2009-07-30 Show

That's P-E-N-I-S...

Yes, L-Y...

Yeah.

V-A...

L-Y...

Right, V-A...

Vania.

Right, can you...

So what do you have there again?

1,600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Okay.

Washington.

How do you spell Pennsylvania?

How do you have it spelled?

P-E-N-I-S-L-Y-V-A-N-I-A.

Hi, this is Deputy Jones of the County Sheriff's Office using cell phone.

uh if you have a small claims uh to claim with him then do it through the court click call on

his cell phone uh he doesn't wish that you call him anymore and if you have any questions my name

is deputy jones area code attention number two and that'll get you to a real person and you can

ask for me thanks very much don't call his cell phone anymore who the fuck is this

you are listening to the madhouse radio podcast

maybe it's working now i don't know all right good we're in yeah hello everybody my house radio

finally starting standard time and we got echo give me a second let me fix that echo

thank you for that tuck all right i was just was trying a new setup here and again a crash

yep we lost again we lost again so you now they can't hear me kokanee milkman the warrior and

tuck rn we're gonna have to wait five minutes until i can try to set that up again it doesn't

let me uh mute people too many at one time it's called excess flood and it doesn't let me uh

you're gonna have to sit on mute for about five minutes if you're hearing this in the future

milkman kokanee the warrior and talk to sit there and wait five minutes i can go ahead and log back

in and i'll try to fix it again just take it easy relax this is madhouse radio trying some new

things uh technically with the show and it just made a big shit basically it's right here this

This is the show right here tonight.

Got lots of numbers here for prank calls tonight.

We're going to be doing those.

Lonesome Losers sending in numbers for Shagnassi's Enterprises.

They're a salvage yard.

Fiesta Garibaldi Bar and Grill.

The House of Chicken and Ribs.

The Kobe Japanese Steakhouse.

I'll tell you, I'm going to move for some Japanese-style hibachi stuff.

It's good stuff.

I like it when they take the vegetables and they steam them,

and then they put soy sauce on it.

I like it.

Restaurant Paradisio.

The Marble Slab Creamery.

There's another one that said,

And I wish my co-host was here with me.

He might be able to help me out with that.

He's a big fat tubby, so I know he knows his ice cream stuff.

There's a competitor to Marble Slab, and I'm trying to remember what it was.

Coldstone. Coldstone or something like that. I don't know.

We'll take a look here at other numbers coming up.

Smoothie City, Captain Benny's Seafood and Oyster Bar,

Mucho Gracias, they're a restaurant. I'm presuming that's Mexican.

And the Hustler Casino. I didn't even know Hustler had a casino.

Hey, this play won't have a casino yet. Let's find out.

Now I've been kicked again.

Give me just a moment, folks.

We're going to have to play a prank call here while I try to fix something.

Never a dull moment here on Madhouse Radio.

The website is madhouselive.com.

You can reach us there and message us through various means.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger,

you can always send me a message at the screen name Madhouse Radio.

Again, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger,

Madhouse Radio is my screen name.

If you're using MSN Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.

And be sure to visit our homepage, madhouselive.com.

Subscribe to our podcast and do a lot of other stuff there during our forums.

This is no excuse not to have a good time when you go to that site.

And a lot of you are not having a good time when going to that site,

and that's part of the problem tonight.

And that's why I'm not very happy with a lot of you folks tonight.

So you're all going to sit there and listen to an old prank call

while I try to fix things, and thank you for not helping me out.

Goodbye.

How are you doing?

May I speak with the head immigrant in charge, please?

Speak up.

I can't really hear you.

May I speak to the head immigrant in charge, please?

The head immigrant in charge.

Oh, the head.

Yes.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hi, what was going on?

I can't find him. He's not around. Can I take a message?

No, I need you to please tell everyone to be quiet.

There's an important announcement that we need to make,

and we need you to spread the word as soon as possible.

I'm with the fire brigade.

I can't hear you.

Oh, Jesus.

I need you to make an announcement.

This is Jack Valente with the fire brigade.

I need you to request everyone listen to this important announcement.

Okay, what's the announcement?

I need you to make them be quiet first, and I will let you know the message.

I can only give it once.

Please, if you can, do you have a bell there, or maybe a loud horn you can sound to bring attention?

Waiting here.

I need silence immediately.

Yes, I need silence immediately.

I have to relay an important message.

Hello?

Yes, can you please tell the people to be quiet for ten seconds?

I can't hear you. Hello?

I need you to tell the people to be quiet for ten seconds.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Tell the people to be quiet.

Fuck that.

That's retarded.

Maybe we can call a place that's not as busy.

Casino.

Don't see nothing wrong with a little.

Where's that old lady at?

Working now.

The problem is if I try to mute you guys all at once,

usually it says excess flood and it kicks us all out.

Unless Milkman has a feeling that there's foreigners on this server.

Milkman, you think?

Do you think it's foreigners?

Do you think they're Asians?

Or where do you think they're from?

Are they Europeans?

You can tell me the truth.

Go ahead.

I won't be mad if you tell me.

I don't know, man, but we organized a plan.

Milkman, you should be unmuted.

No one's going to hear you on the archive or on the main website,

but you're on the manhouse stream.

I'm doing the best I can tonight with serious pause,

with the technical aspect of things here.

So let's just do a prank call and get over it.

Enterprises, they're a salvage yard.

I'm going to have to end the show early, I'm afraid.

It's not looking good.

One more thing happens and I'm calling it, dude.

I'm pulling the plug.

I'm pulling the plug on you.

We'll play ACDC to always make me happy.

I'll answer a giant stadium this weekend for Stan.

Yeah, dude, they're on tour, dude.

I just got a message about them.

Hello? This is a salvage yard?

Listen, buddy, I need my car back.

I don't care what my wife did.

I don't care about the argument. It's none of your business.

I just need my car back because I've got to get

the ACDC concert before it's over.

You understand?

What car are you talking about?

I've got a Buick.

It's an 84 Buick.

We've spoken about this before.

We spoke to my brother once, and I'm coming down

and I'm getting the Buick, and we're going.

and we're going to the ACDC concert.

You can come with me too, fucker.

I got an extra ticket.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You remember Richie?

Remember Richie?

Richie gave you a call?

Richie came down for Thanksgiving.

He passed away last week.

It's his Buick.

Pardon?

Richie, you took his Buick last week.

He passed away.

He called you back in Thanksgiving.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

No, I don't.

Well, look, it's serious.

I need to get my Buick back

and I'm coming down there

and I'm just going to get it back.

You don't have a title at all.

I have all my papers.

You don't have any papers for the car.

I don't know what you're talking about, but go come down here and raise hate and discontent because I won't tolerate it because I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I'm going to consider that a threat, sir, and if I come down there and you threaten me, then I'm going to have to defend myself.

Well, if I threaten you, you damn well know it.

Well, it seems to me like you stole my car.

Don't come down here and raise hate and discontent with me because, for one, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

A car. You know what a car is? Do you have a car?

No shit.

Okay, so in the back...

Where was this car picked up at?

It was in the street.

It was pulled over and aside, and you took it from my brother Richie last week.

He passed away, and I'm coming down to claim it, and I have all the papers, and that's all I need tonight.

I need it now.

Now and now.

It's now.

N-O-W, now.

I think you got the wrong yard.

No, no.

No, Francine and Richie talked to you on Thanksgiving, and they said that you were taking the car.

They had the papers.

I'm the one with the papers, and I will sue your grandmother.

I will sue your whole family.

I will sue your estate after you die.

Here's what's going to happen.

I have a briefcase.

I'm going to come down with my briefcase, and we're going to open the briefcase,

and inside there's going to be some money for you,

and you're going to give me my pick of the cars back there that I need in order to get to the ACDC concert,

and that's all it is because you owe me a car.

I'm coming down, buddy.

You're going to give me access to the vehicles?

Hello?

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press...

That was an average prank call.

Thank you very much.

And halfway in the middle of that, I realized that's the guy.

He was on some serious claims.

Well, you know who that guy is, right?

We've talked to him before.

Regula talked to him before.

That was a prank call.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

He was on the same night as me, though, if I'm not wrong.

No, no, that's the guy.

That's definitely the guy.

Let's listen to that.

Let's listen to part one of that.

Hey, Mr.

You guys want a salvage yard?

Pardon?

Hello, you guys want a salvage yard out there with cars?

Yeah.

Okay, well, listen.

Listen, my girlfriend, Jean, took my car out there.

I just got a divorce from my ex, and I think my car is out there.

I think she was going to put it through the crusher she was talking about.

What's going on?

Pardon?

She was going to put it through the crusher out there.

Okay.

So I just want to make sure it's not there, you know what I mean?

Because she said she was going out to Shag Nasty's and going to put it in the crusher.

You guys got, like, a magnet and a big crusher out there or something?

Maybe she's lying, but I just want to make sure.

Well, no, I have a crusher come in about a year.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Christ, when did it come in last?

Oh, it's been a while.

What kind of car was it?

Oh, it was a Buick.

It's got off my mom.

She put that goddamn thing down there.

I'll tell you what.

I just want to come down there and make sure it's not there, you know.

I mean, because it's not there, you know.

I mean, when's the last time the crush was there?

Maybe you got it in there in the lot.

Yeah, it's been over a year.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay, well, that's good.

I mean, it's only been a couple weeks, but how often do you get cars in there?

Well, I get cars in there all the time.

So, I mean, you just...

What's that?

What you're a Buick and model.

Listen, I know you got it.

Listen, I mean, I know you're just trying to jerk me around.

So, listen, let's get to the point.

No, no, I'm not trying to jerk you around.

I'm trying to show you whether I have it or not.

I'm just, that's fine.

But, listen, I'm going to come down because I just opened a door for me.

You got a Jeep down there or something?

Where are you guys off of?

I'm not opening it tonight.

You got it off of Highway 5 or where are you guys at?

We're off of Highway 2, but I'm not opening it tonight.

Highway 2, okay.

Okay, that's close enough.

Well, listen, I'll just stop by because I really need that car.

I mean, she's got, you know, I know my wife's got it down there.

Well, you'll be wasting your time because I won't let you back there tonight.

What's that?

You come around tomorrow in the daylight hours after 10.

I can't wait, John.

I've got to go to my parents' because I'm late for Thanksgiving.

So I'll be right down.

My name is Richie Randall.

Well, I'm not going to let you in the backfield.

What's that?

You're going to be wasting your time because I'm not going to be opening the gate.

Well, this doesn't matter.

I'm going to get in.

I'm like my guy.

No, you're not.

Don't sit here and threaten me on the phone.

I'm not threatening.

I'm just going to come in my car.

It's my car.

Listen, it's my goddamn car.

I'm going to come get it, and nobody's going to stop me because I'm Richie Randall.

Do you know who I am?

Who?

You ever heard of Richie Randall?

Yeah, I've heard of you.

Exactly.

So I'm coming down.

That's a Richie Randall prank call.

Well, one of the two, rather.

And they just got updated to the Madhouse YouTube page.

We're Madhouse Radio on YouTube.

If you hear me, Annie, I'm not...

Be sure to check that out.

YouTube.com slash Madhouse Radio.

And I just updated that there.

The whole saga of the salvage yard.

Plus a bunch of prank calls that I put up on YouTube.

Be sure to check those out.

And subscribe to us if you are on YouTube.

Subscribe to us.

Give us a hand.

I don't remember whatever the link is to that Y-O-U-U-U-U-T.

whatever that was that lets you make that whole

word duplicates

in the background you know what I'm talking about

the one you sent me with the Alice in Wonderland video

that was really cool

send that to me when you get a chance

and you send me an email with background music

dude and I totally never got to

listen to it or download it and set it up for tonight's show

so I apologize I'll set it up for the next one

whatever I really want to make an effort

to do a prank call

I'm just trying to say that

you want to make an effort to do a prank call

show on a Monday morning here. We haven't done one

in a while. I think maybe this week might

be the week, so we'll give it a shot.

I'm losing my Mondays

off at the end of

August, so I've got to

take advantage of it while I

can. So I definitely have to make an effort

to do at least one more Monday show

before that's gone, before the ability to do so

has taken away from us

at a very early age, and that's not good.

The Kobe Japanese Steakhouse,

we're going to speak there to a guy, hopefully this is

David, who answered there about 15 minutes ago.

I've been taken away from this one really.

I know.

What can you do, man?

We're thugs.

I don't know.

You know.

We're not, you know, prank callers.

We're a dying breed.

KDK retired.

Congratulations, KDK.

Enjoy your retirement.

Lucky bastard, man.

I mean, I wish I could retire already.

I'm nowhere near being able to retire, and I don't know if I ever will be able to retire.

Is there any feasibility?

Is there any reality to this?

Well, he's rich.

Yeah, but he's not.

Why?

Because his dad died.

Isn't that what it is?

and he make, like, two million because his dad died or something?

Get a trust fund?

Something like that?

I don't know.

Cover a bite.

No, no, milkman.

I make two million for a fund.

I ain't even that shit at all.

All right, whatever.

No one knows what we're really talking about.

Nobody should care, as a matter of fact.

Let's continue doing prank calls here.

The Kobe Japanese Steakhouse is the next call, the next target, target of opportunity.

This is the Japanese place, the Kobe Japanese Steakhouse, yes.

All right, good, good.

I'd like to take some hibachi for takeout, please.

How many spaces do you have when I come in there?

I'm sorry?

When I sit down, how many spaces do you have?

Our table's seat nine.

No, but I don't care about the seats.

There's any spaces, exactly.

How many spaces can you afford?

I'm not following you.

But you know there's a space, and when you go down, you sit down,

you have your plate, your knife, fork, all that stuff, and you eat spaces?

Nine.

You're talking about seats, sir.

Yeah, and I'm not following what you're saying, so this is a prank.

No, this is not a prank, sir.

What are you accusing me of?

Is there a manager I can speak with, please?

That would be me.

Are you the owner?

No, I'm not the owner.

Oh, you're not Asian, are you?

I am.

Which Asian?

Are you Japanese or Vietnamese or something?

It's your ethnicity.

It's an honest question, right?

Asshole.

Ooh, bastard.

Oh, my God.

That was shit.

David, how can I help you?

Oh, you think that's fair that you hang up on a customer like that?

A good-paying customer, sir?

I think you're not asking me questions that are relevant.

Well, let's seek it to a relevant comment.

You know, relevant comments from you and from me,

because I think I took a lot of punches from you also when I called him before,

And I was respectful.

I don't go around hanging up the phone on people at work.

When you're asking me about how many spaces there are at a table, sir,

I told you there are nine seats.

That's how many spaces there are at the table.

But you see, I don't know if there's a problem with the translation

or something that you're not understanding.

That's why I was asking if you're Chinese, and my friend, he speaks Mandarin.

Sir, you're bringing race into this conversation.

No, I'm just asking my friend.

You're asking irrelevant questions.

My friend speaks Mandarin, and my other friend down the stairs,

he speaks Cantonese, so I can have him talk to you.

I don't speak Chinese.

so what question

would you like to know

about the restaurant

what ethnicity is it

it's a Japanese

steak house

okay so do you want

me to get a Japanese

person to speak to you

and ask you about the

you know the spaces

because you're not

understanding so

it's all

yeah obviously I'm not

neither are you

what kind of space

do we have parking

spaces

right well you know

that's kind of leading

into the right realm

yeah okay great

you have a nice night

well do you have

stations there

see yeah

that just isn't fair

he's got to be fair

with me and answer

my questions

that's all

what a party

boo burper

fucking spaces

worst fucking

idea for prank calls ever and i keep doing them well it's about time i have a man answer the phone

how you doing sweetie good and he's i was hoping to speak to a manager as a gentleman there who's

been saying rude things to me and refusing me service so i wanted to have you to have him

written up okay well what can i get for you today well i was asking about the spaces there he doesn't

seem to understand and i asked him he said he's asian that he didn't understand me okay and what

What kind of spaces were you looking for, sir?

Like, come in to eat?

How many, for how many people?

Well, not exactly how many people, but spaces.

Like, how many spaces?

How many, like, you know, different, you know, platforms you have there?

Well, like, for, we don't really have platforms.

What we do have is we have a bar area.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

We have the lounge area, and then we have upstairs.

Right, okay.

So, this is all 17 tables.

Sure, right.

Okay, so how many spaces do you have?

We have 17 spaces.

17 spaces?

Yep.

Okay, at what rate of space per hour?

No, it's not rated per hour.

Oh, can you break it down for me by meal?

Can I break it down to you by meal?

Right.

Um, not technically. It just depends on what your party wants to order.

Average, please. I'm trying to get a flat rate.

It's gonna be around $20 to $36.

$36 per plate, all right, so multiply that by nine spaces.

Okay, I do not have a calculator in front of me this evening.

Oh, do you have the cash register there?

No, I'm not.

Aren't you Japanese? Don't you have all those computers and shit?

What's wrong with you?

Hang up the phone

I command you to hang up the phone

I'm so tired of you people

And not

And just fucking bringing me down

Get out the gate

Go

Go to hell

Go now

Okay

Go to hell

That's it

Go to sleep

Okay

Alright baby

Alright

Bye bye

Thank you

I also get a bad prank call

I don't know what else to do with them

I don't know why you people

Keep asking me to do that call

Look man

Losing patience

You're telling me to do that

It's about time I did that

It's about time I just yelled at them

And hung up on them right

Pick up my hot pot

It's gonna be a hot dog

Stupid

How's some chicken and ribs

How's the chicken and ribs?

In Sacramento, California.

Let me check that out.

Still got the restaurant Paradiso here also.

Marble Slab Creamery.

Smoothie City.

Captain Benny's Seafood and Oyster Bar.

Muchos Gracias Blackbeard's Family Restaurant and Huster's Casino.

And coming in most lately here, the Wonderful Dragon Chinese Restaurant there in Loveland, Colorado.

The Cobblestone Cafe and then Barkey's Resort.

Barkey's Resort.

Reckless sent in a number earlier

for an escort

named Diamond

I'll do that

an escort named Diamond

I'll take a look at it

an escort named Diamond

here in Orlando but apparently it's an automated

message or personal line so apparently it's a big

scam so it doesn't have

not much promise there for a prank call

I don't think Reckless called that one

first just to check into it and see how it was going to be

the Wonderful Dragon Chinese restaurant

They're on North Lincoln Avenue in Loveland, Colorado.

Let me give them a call here.

Folks, don't go anywhere.

Please.

Yeah.

Have you guys got a Buick in there?

Pardon?

My brother, my brother Richie's got a Buick in there,

and I just want to know if I can come pick it up.

Nobody's coming here tonight.

I've already told him that.

I've been really nice, and I'm really...

Listen.

Don't like to search me.

My brother Richie.

Well, if he comes up here, he's going to jail.

No.

It doesn't matter.

He can stay away from here, because if he comes up here tonight, he's going to jail.

A dad's a lawyer. It doesn't matter. Nobody's going to jail.

I don't want anybody trading me and my dog.

No, I'm not trying to. We just want to get to Buick.

No, no. He will.

Listen, it's okay. We're just going to come and get to Buick.

Nobody's trying to beat us.

No, you're not coming up here tonight.

It's okay. Just let us in the door.

Just like I told him. My business hours are canceled.

Let us in the door. It's okay. Just open the gate.

You call us before you come.

Um, no, nobody says anything.

We're just going to open, just open the gate for you.

It's okay.

No.

Everybody be happy.

All right.

Open the gate.

Hold it now.

All right, this is the only way I'll do it.

If you hear, you listening to me?

Okay, yeah.

You call the sheriff's office, you come up here with a deputy.

They will go into the backfield.

But if you show up without a deputy, somebody's going to jail.

Um, listen, we don't...

Do you understand me?

Okay, yeah.

Hey, we're showing up.

I don't like being threatened.

I don't like my dog being threatened.

My buddy, I'll tell you what.

What about a city cop?

Well, there ain't no city cop that'll come out here because Newport is a sheriff's department.

You'll have to call and make a case.

Well, actually, my sister's a state trooper, so maybe she can come out.

But listen, it's okay.

Just open the gate for us, okay?

I want a uniformed officer in a patrol car.

It's going to be okay.

If there's not, then I'm going to have my gun in my hand.

Do I make myself clear?

And I will not take any crap.

And I will not be trashy.

I got Kevlar.

I used to live in England.

I don't give a damn what you got, mister.

I don't know what the problem is between your brother and his girlfriend,

but it's not something that's worth all this bullshit.

You follow me?

Listen.

You come up here in a peaceful mood with an officer,

and I'll go in there tonight, and I'm going out of my way for this.

It's going to happen.

But if you don't show up with a lot of it, you're going to get turned around or go to jail.

Holy shit.

No, we're not going to jail.

We got a connection.

So, listen, let me just spell it out for you, buddy.

Let me spell it out for you.

What's going to happen is my ex and this, all right, I blew my cover.

It doesn't matter.

What's going to happen is you're coming down, and we're going to get my Buick.

I'm telling you.

That's exactly what's going to happen.

And nobody's going to get hurt.

I tell you, I got a mace, and I got a Kevlar.

Nobody shoot me.

And I got a Doberman pinch or two or something.

And you don't need to see it.

It'll be in the car.

I'm not bringing it out.

You want to fit me?

Fine.

I'm bringing it out.

You come up that driveway without an officer with you, and I'm going to start shooting immediately.

Do I make myself clear, and I don't give a fuck if I kill you or not.

Is it Cantonese or Mandarin there?

Only one that you're supposed to speak.

What's the official one there at this restaurant?

Because I don't want to make an order in the wrong language.

Oh, okay.

I can speak Chinese.

No, but which one? There's two different Chinese. I heard there's Chinese Cantonese.

Mandarin is fine.

Mandarin, is that yours? Are you from Mandaria?

Yeah, it doesn't matter where I come from, but I can speak it.

Okay, so I should make my order in Cantonese or the other one?

Huh?

Either one.

Well, what do you prefer, Mandarin or Cantonese? Just be honest with me, it's all right.

Okay.

Which one?

Mandarin is fine.

Mandarin, are you ready?

Yes.

All right.

I beg your pardon?

Ching-chong-chong-chong-chong.

That's Mandarin for you.

I'd like two of those, please.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

Oh, maybe you speak Cantonese, and maybe you don't speak Mandarin.

Okay, anyway, could you hold one second?

Could you put a Cantonese speaker for me?

This is very juvenile, but whatever.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel tonight here, folks.

She's like, I don't understand you.

Maybe you don't speak Cantonese.

She didn't think about that.

All right, we'll wait for her to come back.

This is Madhouse Radio.

milkman how long do you got left four minutes where you got to go back to work yeah i gotta

go to a meeting for about in five minutes man i'll be i hope you're gonna get fired in the

meeting i'll be the only one that works yeah suck doesn't have to worry about getting laid

off yeah pay that call for me man with the crazy bitch though until i come back man crazy bitch

oh yeah dedicate that one to maven oh the mala and brooks is that the one the one that went crazy

and hit her under the table and said you hate it dedicate that to maven man okay all right well

I'll pay that one for me when you get back.

This must take you too long.

I'm going to hang up and call her back over here at the China Place.

This is like a best of, hit all, past the victims night.

I don't know.

Have we called Wonderful Dragon before in the past?

I don't know that we have.

I don't know.

Cobblestone Cafe, that's a new one.

We've never done that one before.

We've got a beef eater restaurant.

All right.

Listen.

What?

Just hold the port for me until I get back, man, and save the goodies until I get back.

Okay.

I'll talk to everybody here in about an hour.

I'm negotiating a new contract for Madhouse and Ratchet Special Edition coming out very soon.

More details after this meeting.

Love you, Maven.

Good for you, Milkman.

Go.

Go work.

I've been getting it.

Tuck, when was the last time you worked?

You've never had a job, don't you?

You just live on a farm?

True, but, I mean, I've been here about 10 years.

What's going on with bees in your house?

So you had an attack of insects, like, all of a sudden at your farm that you have there in Tennessee?

The animals just went crazy on you?

Yeah, um, you know, the farm, you know, bees decided they were going to make a nest, yeah.

Uh, uh, and they started swarming right outside my window here, that is right where, uh, my

shower stall is, right inside the wall there.

Okay.

And they started swarming like motherfuckers.

Like, they were moving in or moving out, or the queen died, or...

Well, you know what, when the queen dies, the mound dies.

I don't know if you remember that.

You remember that commercial about the ants?

Like there was a special medicine you put on top of the ants called death medicine.

And it said when the queen dies, the mound dies.

Yeah, you got to attack the queen, Tuck.

You got to learn how to attack the queen.

I learned how to in Puerto Rico.

Well, they moved out.

They got the vibe and moved out.

They were worried about to kill them because the beekeeper that was going to come

doesn't like them anywhere in the summertime.

He likes spring bees.

Spring?

There's a difference?

So he was going to continue the summer bees.

Summer bees are what?

You know, I don't know.

They're more worry?

A big greeting to Cantu Taro, who keeps asking us to give him a greeting.

Hi, Cantu Taro.

Everyone knows.

Everyone, give attention to Cantu Taro.

Cantu Taro.

I got audio here from Cantu Taro called into the show earlier tonight.

He left us this message.

Let's play that.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

All right, good deal.

Stop press 1 to send a voicemail.

Press 2 to listen in on the voicemail.

press three to at any time you may press star to join the call let's see what this is and it's not

ringing okay i want to listen to them leaving a voicemail i want that to work one day i wanted

to be leaving an angry voicemail for me prank calling them and just jumping in the middle of

it like what i know what you're saying fucker i'm listening because i can just hit star and i jump

into the conversation one night fuck fucker one night hell yeah okay beef eater restaurant and

pub they're in xx england i think it's time to give them a call thank you we're not on syndicate

it tonight because i couldn't get it to work that's it bye i don't even know where to change

your phone down there for me it's not your fault right you know i only do so much phones are

ringing stop press one to send a voicemail at any time you may press star to join the call

leave voicemail show's falling it's falling apart i just lost all the phones all of a sudden they

just died out beautiful worst shown history of of july the worst july show ever and we've only

than four of them fiesta garibaldi bar and grill let's try them that ain't working i was gonna

talk to her and ask her if it was angry black woman which she is everybody hi thank you for

uh tuning in on a less than stellar madhouse radio show but we're doing our best

but both talk i think that one doesn't forget the other really i mean you could be angry you

could be black but in this country if you're angry and black you're in for some trouble with

the police man they pull you over and they don't take that two strikes against you right

right there i'm not saying that it's right i'd probably you over regardless oh boy i want to

say a big what's up to everyone tuning in tonight you can pull it over checking us out over at

justin.tv thank you very much we've been simulcasting and okay so we've been simulcasting

on justin.tv uh 24 7 for the last four or five days at this point and uh a lot of new follows

as a lot of people

following on with us

so it's kind of

interesting

what a big

big thank you

all you ladies

and gentlemen

over there

checking us out

in the meantime

you can send in

your requests

to me

if you go over

to manhouselive.com

we have some

requests there

still

wanting to be

made

or fulfilled

rather

wishes

to come true

let's try to

call club 99

Iraq

club 99

Iraq

is located

in Beverly

Hills

California

what a

hot name

it's a

great way

to go

you buddies

is the pub

restaurant

in place

you guys

got corns

hello

I beg your pardon?

Yeah, I wanted to make a reservation, please.

Um, for what? For tonight?

Yeah, for corns for tonight. I want some corns.

You got some corns?

Yeah, you got corns?

Um, I don't quite understand you, but your name is corns?

Yeah, this is corns.

Um...

Corns Diego. You want to write that down? Corns Diego.

Um, is it possible you could ring in a few hours?

Because, um, we don't have any reception at the moment.

No, I'm calling from the United States.

here in a little bit.

I'm going to come

in my flying machine.

So before I get out there,

unless you don't want business,

is business pretty good?

You don't care

for business right now?

No, it's just

my computer's down

and I can't help you

that way.

Can you go to paper?

No, we don't have

anything there.

Do you have any paper there?

You have to leave it

for a few hours,

I'm afraid.

Well, that's fine.

Go ahead and write.

Do you have any

piece of paper to write with

and I'll give you

the information.

That's all.

It's like a secret

between me and you.

I won't tell the owner or the manager.

It's okay.

I won't get you in trouble.

Oh, all right.

All right.

Who's the manager there?

You don't want me to tell...

What's his name?

I'll make sure I don't tell him.

You can't get me in trouble because the human computer's not working.

Okay, but I don't want to...

Because they might get mad at you because you're refusing service, you know.

All right.

Have you got a telephone number?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

It's 407-459-4534.

407-459-4534.

4-5-3-4.

Right.

That's an okay.

That's a superior American phone number.

It's an American phone number.

Yeah, it's a superior one.

It has less numbers in it.

Superior one.

Yeah, it has better sound quality than yours.

Just a second.

Hold on a second.

I'll just see if I can do something.

Do you have an HD phone there?

All right, cool.

I was going to hook up the HD phone, everybody,

and we're going to wait for him.

We'll play this music thing in the background in the meantime.

Hey, old man, you there?

Old man.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

Um, what's your name, please?

Uh, this is Valente.

Valente Corns.

Pardon?

Valente Corns.

Mr. Corn?

Yeah, Valente Corn.

V-A-L-E-N-T-E?

V-A-L-E-N-T-E Corn.

Where did you have to turn?

C-R-R-N.

Did you go to the computer now?

What's going on?

No, I'm just writing it down.

Oh.

I'll have to give it to someone in the morning and see if they can book it for you.

Okay, I appreciate it.

Thank you, buddy.

When the computer's going.

Right.

get you a beer you want a beer well no it just just um can't help you at the moment i can give

it to the receptions in the morning but for a favor i'll get you a beer do you like beers

no i want beers well you like a little marijuana or something no what exactly do you want what's

your vice well i don't like i like anything uh women it's cool you have you know loose women

anything like that i can get you anything want some hair bread no so when do you want this for

For tomorrow?

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow night.

I need a reservation.

Have you got an address?

Yes.

Your address is in America, is it?

Yeah, it's 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

It's in Washington, D.C.

2-triple-0-1.

Pennsylvania?

Yeah.

What was it?

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

1600?

Yeah, Pennsylvania Avenue.

Pennsylvania Avenue.

Right, and that's in Washington, D.C.

Washington, D.C.?

United States of America.

Okay.

All right.

You can abbreviate that USA.

Pardon?

You can abbreviate that USA, but it has to be in all capital letters.

All right.

Okay.

Make sure it's all capital letters.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Do you know how to spell Pennsylvania?

Yeah.

Pennsylvania.

Okay.

Avenue.

There's no I in Pennsylvania.

At the very end, there's an I.

Next to the last letter.

That's it.

I think.

Yeah, it should be about right.

Don't spell it with an I.

At the end.

I-A.

At the end.

That's P-E-N-I-S

Yes, L-Y

Yeah

V-A

L-Y

Right, V-A

Vania

Right, can you, so what do you have there again?

1,600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Okay

Washington

How do you spell Pennsylvania, how do you have it spelled?

P-E-N-I-S-L-Y-V-A-N-I-A

Very good, good point, alright good, and that's Washington D.C.?

Washington D.C.

Then U-S-A, all caps, all big letters

U-S-A what?

It has to be in all capital letters.

USA, bold.

If you have it, bold.

Big, big USA, like at the end of it.

Very big.

All right.

All right, and then the zip code is 20001.

Okay, I'll get them to bring it back tomorrow then.

Okay.

Well, how much is it going to be?

I want to go ahead and charge it.

The charges tomorrow will be 53 pounds.

Okay, I'm ready to authorize it.

Are you ready to receive the transaction?

Pardon?

Are you ready to receive the transaction?

No, I can't do that till tomorrow.

As I said, the computer is not working.

But I'll send it now through my modem.

Just tell me if you're able to take the transaction.

I'll send it right now.

No.

Just give me authorization.

I'll give it to you in the morning.

No, just say authorization.

Just say that you give me authorization.

Come on, buddy.

Please.

I can't give it to you.

I can't do it at the moment.

I authorize you to authorize me.

It's okay.

I do it first.

Authorize.

For you.

See?

See, I'm authorizing you, so you can do it back.

Go ahead, say authorize back.

I'll say it first.

Authorize.

Go ahead, say it.

I cannot do that.

Say the word.

Because we don't, we don't, pardon?

Say the word.

Authorize.

Oh, thank you so much.

I have you committed down, I have you written down here, committal for five spaces.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Whatever, got him to say authorize.

So apparently that's how you spell Pennsylvania.

It starts with penis, P-E-N-I-S.

And I had him read it back, and he totally wrote it.

Crazy old man.

That's the UK for everybody.

buddy hope you enjoy that one i know club 99 iraq no answer there wonderful dragon we already talked

to them actually you know what we never got back to them about that cantonese order let's do that

now let's see why she never came back from hold i totally forgot about her i'm rude what kind of

customer service is that i hate this song i hate this song too phone off the hook dirty trick gets

us every time unless i've called waiting in which case still gets us bastards let's call that

at Conference of National Association of Fat Aspectants.

They're in Washington, D.C.,

coincidentally enough,

just like we mentioned in the last prank call.

Our website is madhouselive.com.

We have a podcast there.

We have two podcasts.

One for the show, episodes,

the other one for prank calls only.

So subscribe to one or why not both while you're at it.

If you don't know what a podcast is,

we'll tell you, all right?

Figure it out.

Google it.

Why do you call and not say anything

in my voicemail, stupid?

You call twice to my phone number.

You don't leave messages.

What is this?

Are you a prank caller, sir?

No, I'm not a prank caller, but you called me concerning a Buick or something, aren't you?

No, you called here.

We have you on our phone records.

You called the business here twice after hours and didn't leave a message on the emergency voice line, sir.

Right.

Somebody from that phone number called me and was threatening to come pick up a Buick.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We don't have any Buicks in our fleet, sir.

Who am I speaking with?

Bob at Shag Nasty's Towing.

What's your authorization number, please?

I've got to make a report here because you left a threatening message here.

I did not leave a threatening message.

I left no message.

We have you on tape leaving a bad message

that you were going to do something about a Buick

and then you called twice and didn't leave a message

and that's a violation.

Somebody there called me

and was threatening to come over to my place

to pick up a Buick, whether I liked it or not,

and I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about.

Sir, we're closed.

I don't know if you heard that.

I've called the sheriff's office.

That's okay.

Somebody shows up here

If somebody shows up here and starts threatening me,

this shit's going to hit the fan because I do not take threats.

I don't know what you're talking about, picking up this damn Buick.

Well, I'm considering that you're threatening me now, sir,

and I'm putting this all in my report.

Well, put it on your report.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

All I know is that we're closed.

I don't know if you heard the message when you called in.

We're closed at this time.

Where are you located?

We're in Las Vegas.

You called us after hours, and you left us a threatening message,

and then you hung up twice.

Why are you people calling me?

Because you left us a message on our voicemail, sir,

our emergency voicemail.

I've got a recorded phone number,

and I've called the sheriff's office here.

Okay.

So I don't know what's going on.

I would very much appreciate it if you'd not call me anymore.

All I know is that, sir, you called over here,

and you left two messages here on the phone

where you didn't say anything, and that's harassment.

No, it is not.

I am trying to get a hold of whoever called me.

All right, well, this is serious.

I got a real call at 730.

We take this seriously, sir.

This is serious business.

I got a call from your number at 730 tonight.

I don't know who you are, but I'm going to stay there one time and one time only.

Stay the hell away from my place.

Do not call.

Sir, we're nowhere near your location.

Don't call me.

me we don't we don't we don't give you authorization to call our business any further and if you do

you're subject to further civil action sir well if you did it before call i'm i'm the next call

you're going to receive will be from the sheriff's office all right before you try to call us again

i would recommend you speak to an attorney first sir because we don't we you know i don't know if

you have children that are over there that are playing with the phone what kind of business

are what kind of business are you we're a consulting company we consult okay consult

Consult? Consult about what?

I'm at a loss here.

Consultations.

I'm trying to find out why you people called me.

Professional consultation.

What do you do, sir?

You deal with trash, correct?

I operate a tow company.

Oh, that's nice.

And I also operate a wrecking yard.

Wow, that sounds very important.

Now, this has to do with...

When I'm a consultant, I'm a consultant.

How much did you make last year?

I made $115,000.

I don't give a damn about money.

My salary is $100,000.

I just, I want, hey, don't call my place anymore because I don't know what you guys are talking about.

And I consider it harassment.

And, uh, definitely don't show up.

This is all going to my, this is all going, this is all, I'm writing all this down and it's going in my report, sir, against you.

Good. I don't give a shit what the hell you do.

There you go. You said a bad word to shit.

Don't call me. Don't call me no more.

Or why? Or why? Are you threatening me? That's a threat.

Because, hey, I don't give a damn how you take it, and now you're getting me pissed off.

Don't you dare.

Now, you want to have a threat.

You just show up at my property and try to take some kind of car that don't belong to you,

and you're going to find out what a threat is.

Sir, again, we don't have any dealings.

Do you understand that?

We don't know.

Do you understand that?

No, I don't.

And I don't want you calling me no more.

I don't understand.

I don't understand what you're saying.

I think you're talking out your ass because you guys are mistaking me for somebody else or some damn thing,

and I don't want no more phone calls.

Well, sir, we don't have any Buicks in our fleet, as I've told you, for the fifth time now.

Fleet?

Yes.

Well, I understand.

I'm going to see if I can quote you as opposed to that kid in the accuracy that somebody called my place in November

or something about a vehicle that I had picked up off the street

and it belonged to somebody's brother that called here,

and he said that the brother was dead.

He has the paperwork, and he wants his vehicle back.

Now, I don't know what you're talking about.

Sir, are you senile?

Somebody at your business made this call.

Tell them to leave me the hell alone.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're obviously called the wrong place.

Sir, I think you're senile.

I'm senile?

How old are you?

Hey, I'm done talking, all right?

Now I'm pissed.

Did you take all your pills tonight, sir?

It's okay.

You can tell me.

Oh.

You're out of your fucking mind.

You know that?

It's okay.

You're out of your goddamn mind.

I think not, sir.

I think you're the one I'd see now, and I think I might have to include that in my report.

Return to voicemail.

To return this call, press 2.

That was fun.

All right, cool.

See, we got him fired up.

He was the one that was calling in and not leaving a message,

so I called him back home.

He remembers that shit.

That's Reclude's in the chat room now.

What's up, Reclude?

That's Richie Randall, the guy that Richie Randall called on Thanksgiving.

That was an homage to you, Big Reclude.

I hope you enjoyed that one.

How evil would it be to have him call back and sit here right now?

That would be awesome.

Reclude calling.

Oh, don't we have a prank phone now?

What was the prank line?

I forgot what that new prank phone shit was.

I don't know.

Call the number 407-459-4534, Recklude.

We'll put you on the air.

We'll call him back.

That guy's fun.

I love that guy.

He's fucking awesome.

Let's see if that's Recklude.

I think it's White Boy.

Hello.

To accept press 1, to send a voicemail, press Q.

To listen in at any time, you may press star to join the call.

Oops, your caller just hung up.

Goodbye.

Aw.

All right, well, nothing for whoever that was.

It was some time.

All right, next prank call of the night.

Reclute, let me know if you want to call in.

I'll make sure the line's clear for you at the time.

We're going to call Nigel Lord.

He's in Essex, England.

Just a moment.

This is Nigel.

How you doing, big girl?

This is your, um...

What time is it right now?

Is it 25 after?

Nigel, don't do it to me.

Come on.

Bunch of shit.

Nigel!

All right, we'll call Roderick Lord instead.

I don't know where I was going with that.

All right, Reclute's calling in.

Any second now, we'll hear that ring.

Any second.

Oh, there it goes.

Reclute.

Yeah, yeah.

To accept press one,

to send a voicemail...

I got to stop the greetings.

What's up, man?

What's going on, man?

What's going on?

You want to talk to the guy at the junkyard before he gets too crazy on us and calls the cops and shit?

Let me think about it for a second.

Maybe I should call back a business-like and try to use the Richie Randall voice and make it all like,

Hello, sir.

You just called a business to show you the line.

Yeah, exactly.

And try to disguise the voice.

But remember the last time you tricked him when you did Richie Randall disguised as the brother?

I mean, the guy keeps on talking about the fucking brother, and I was like, I blew my cover, fuck it.

And then, yeah, he still didn't figure it out.

How dumb does that guy have to be?

I mean, that guy's a fucking moron.

You know, those are the best, like, if you listen to, like, Sterner places,

like, the best prank calls are people with, like, bad tempers and just hillbilly morons.

And hillbillies, yeah, that loser temper.

Indeed.

That's funny.

Yeah, apparently he gets really offended if you call him C-NOW, so look into that also.

I called him C-NOW and he was about to, like, explode.

Okay, C-NOW, and then maybe we should have, see, I don't want to offend veterans, but maybe we should, like, call him, it's like you could have never been in the military or some shit, I don't know.

Yeah, something like that.

You can do it, you are a veteran, you were in the Army, so you're allowed to do it, anything you want to say.

Shit, I'm a fucking, just about kicked out, discharged fucking veteran.

Yeah, well, whatever, whatever it takes, man.

It was Army, right?

You were in Army or Marines?

Army.

I was in Air Force.

Oh, okay.

Like, fucking, I was fucking up, dude.

I told, I about stabbed some motherfucker.

I was just pissed off.

People were being dicks.

And I was, this is weird, because those people used to hang out, like, 24-7.

Right.

The firemen.

They were just fucking losers.

They were just, like, cavemen.

Okay.

They were, like, the biggest dipshits I ever fucking worked with.

And they were just, and it was, like, all they do is hang around 24-7.

Like, you'd stay at the firehouse for 24 hours.

you wake up

go home

and they would hang out

for the next 24 hours

right

ok so

so if you didn't hang out

with them

they'd be all weird

towards you

right

and it was just

constantly being their

click

unless they start

talking about you

and shit

yeah

that sucks

we've all had to deal

with that shit

alright let's call

this guy back

before he goes

batty on us

I forgot his name

but

it's Shagnassi's

salvage yard

he's gonna call the cops

I tell you what

you better decide

does Madhouse Live

have a lawyer

yeah we got Dr. Legos

as a Jewish lawyer.

Oh, yeah,

remember last time

that we were saying

we should have ordered a pizza

so the delivery guy

would have shown up there

and probably gotten shot?

Oh, God,

I'd be scared to death.

Dude, then the fucking,

yeah,

I guarantee the fucking cops

will be after him.

I'll tell them

it's Katie's day.

Yeah, all right, cool.

Let me give this guy a call.

Don't go into a recluse.

Hang on, everybody.

Customer service representative.

Hello, thank you.

Who is this?

Am I speaking with?

Yeah.

I'm going to make sure

you're busy.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Somebody keeps calling

his number.

Somebody from your business?

In just about 10, 15 seconds, you can talk to a deputy sheriff, all right?

Excuse me.

There's no need to be an asshole about this.

Now, who keeps calling my number?

I'm getting tired of it.

I'm getting a little bit irritated.

The cell phone that you're on?

No, it's a goddamn business phone.

I mean, I'm getting sick of it.

Whoa, just a second.

Don't be threatening.

Just a second, man.

What are you, you know, you can't remember something like two seconds ago?

Joe, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

I start 6-7.

I mean, that's how I got your number.

Hang on here for a second, okay?

No, don't do it.

Don't do it, Pop.

You're not doing it.

No, don't do it, man.

I'm getting Britney phone calls here.

No, no, I'm just trying to find out who's calling.

You're being, you know, you're doing all that.

You're the one calling me.

I should be calling the sheriff.

Who it is?

Britney is about getting a car back.

It won't matter what it takes.

It's getting out of hand.

They've called me now twice.

I've called them, and all I get is a no.

Yeah, a second.

I can hang up and give you your number, and they'll call you back.

Returning to main menu, you have two new messages.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

Good job, Bricklude.

Yeah, you fucking did it.

Your goddamn number.

I don't trust Google Voice like that.

Why not?

You don't trust Google Voice?

You think it's open?

No, no.

Dude, I got a fucking sweet-ass number.

Oh, yeah?

I got one in, like, North Hollywood.

Oh, shit, really?

That's fucking awesome.

Really?

That's good.

Yeah, because I'm planning on moving out there, dude.

Dude, if I get the North Hollywood number, I mean, people are going to take me serious, you know.

Yeah, if you don't have, like, a...

And they already do.

They already do, the people that know me.

But I'm just saying, like, all the new contacts, like, oh, cool.

Yeah, it'll give you some credibility.

Yeah, you seem to be more local in that case, and you don't have to worry about, you know, losing out to...

Yeah, that's what those people told me.

Like, my buddies out there were telling me.

They were like, if you want to start networking, just...

Get yourself a Hollywood number.

I just, I love that, dude.

Dude, I want to start, like, I want to start doing, like, let's just start doing, like, KDK calls.

Right, yeah, you know, he retired.

Did you hear that he retired again for the 10th time or something like that?

He'll fucking, he'll be back.

Yeah, no one worries.

Next fucking week.

Yeah.

He'll be back, like, fucking drinking and have a new troll-looking boyfriend or whatever, whatever the fuck he does.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

He'll be back.

I know a lot of our listeners are very upset about that.

All right, so I got a number in England.

I've got a guy named Roderick in England, and we also have, I think we've, not very good on numbers,

but we've got the Cobblestone Cafe, they may be open still, they're in California.

746 over there, they should definitely still be open there.

Cobblestone Cafe.

Yeah, Cobblestone Cafe in Sacramento, right by the university, apparently.

Alright, well

Well, let's get this

In Sacramento

Okay, give me just a moment

There we go

Alright, everybody

Hang on, next prank call tonight

Yo, is this like

Cobblestone Cafe?

Hello?

What the fuck is that all about?

I don't know

There's some weirdness

On the phone

I'll call them back

Don't go anywhere

Cobblestone Cafe

Everybody, we're gonna

Try them again, goddammit

Oh, Nunu said

Some, like, college convention

What's up with the convention?

Oh, this is

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I keep forgetting about him and his little convention.

In D.C., there's a national association for the advancement of fat acceptance

over weight people.

Oh, let's do it.

Kelly Bliss is there.

She's a fitness expert.

She's 5 feet tall, weighs 200 pounds.

Elizabeth Fisher.

That's an expert on what?

Fitness is what it says.

Yeah, it's Kelly Bliss of 200 pounds.

Wait a minute.

Five foot?

Yeah, 200 pounds.

No, no, no, no.

That's not a...

Unless she's fucking built...

Unless she looks like Bridget the Midget or some shit and she's with muscles.

Maybe.

I don't know.

I don't think that's...

I don't know how she...

Because a fitness expert, it sounds like someone there is getting ripped off.

A few people are, at least.

They're paying her money to be their fitness expert.

Elizabeth Fisher, running workshop, giving tips and tricks for living a full, independent life in a supersized body.

She's also making an appearance there.

Let's see here.

Melissa Taylor Waldron, certified by the Aquatic Exercise Association.

Oh, my God.

Because they can't work out in anything but fucking pools or something.

Yeah, because pools makes you weightless.

Because of gravity.

Yeah, it's good for the joints.

I like that.

I'm a man.

You can fucking float.

It's kind of like, yeah, it's helping them out.

It's kind of like steroids for fat people.

Yeah.

Are you in Google Talk right now?

Where can I send this to you at, man?

I can send it to you in AO.

Oh, fuck, I got the Yahoo.

Yeah, can you sign it?

Are you in there now, or...

Yeah, yeah, here, I'll send you a message.

Send me a message, because I can't see in this huge...

It says, fuck.

There we go, I got you.

Oh, there you go, reclude.

All right, cool.

What's that, do you got like a site, or...

I don't have a link yet.

I'm sure Nunu, if you have one, send it to reclude and send it to me.

Advancement, advancement for fat people.

Fat acceptance.

Yeah, this fucking sucks on Yahoo.

You can only send so much at a time.

there you go

uh

DC

let's see what we got here

there we go

oh there we go

NAFTA

okay

oh you know what

I do have a

I do have a link

as a matter of fact

I did have one

did I lie

did you find it

did you see the page

for the convention

did you find it

um

I found the like

official site

okay here's a link

to the convention site

here it is

oh okay

man they're fucking

broad on there

it looks foggy

I'm not at their

official site

I haven't seen it yet

yeah

holy shit

40 years and going strong

they'd be like

Like, our annual fundraising convention, man, $250, and what do you get?

They go to one of their conventions, you get a lot of food, I guess, for that.

I guess so.

Nice buffet.

You get a Hawaii vacation raffle.

Nice.

Yeah, but they got a lot of pig roast.

Yeah, with the apple in the mouth.

Yeah, trust me, if they ain't got apples in their mouth, they wouldn't be there.

See, your frequently asked education awards masquerade.

What the fuck?

What's wrong with these people?

I don't know.

Awards masquerade gala.

Gala.

Did you get the list of people?

Oh, my God, dude.

It says, masks, beads, and boas will abound at this enchanting ball.

What?

Is that a masquerade they're having there?

Yeah, this is their award.

These fatties got fucking masks on.

It says, the rustling of satins and silks,

flutter of feathers with high lashes peeking out from behind.

What?

It must be a masquerade gala, this formal event on Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, okay, so Saturday night.

so maybe richie all okay okay so maybe like richie randall try to get a date you know i'm

saying to start asking these girls to the masquerade ball there you go yeah so like

the director of programs we just got her name here i said yeah the dude yeah yeah you see the

names here that day august 4th first yeah well they're starting to arrive tonight apparently

is what i understand that's what new news confirming so we should be able to ask for

several of these people at least one of them should answer fashion show holy shit dude there's

There's a fucking fashion show.

Okay.

Oh, there is?

Look, yeah.

There's a video.

There's a fucking video.

Oh, my God.

Everybody, go to, let's see here, NAAFA online.

Oh, my God.

This is, like, I mean, like, I like thick chicks.

Holy shit.

You've got to see this.

Go to, like, okay, go to NAAFA online.com, and then click on events.

And then it says, in this fashion show, you've got to see this fucking video.

All right, so I see a fat broad, and there's people with a stroller walking around,

and there's some broad.

They're all, like, awful.

Right, I see it now.

Actually, I'm piping it in now to the video stream, so everyone take a look at that.

Are you?

Yeah.

I tell you what, the Fatima's whole ship.

I wanted to share this before we did this.

The American Hotel and Lodging Association of Recruiters issued an advisory

regarding prank calls at hotels recently.

and it says here on their website, which is ahla.com.

Recently, hotel employees and guests at various properties around the country

have been receiving panic phone calls informing them of a fire in the building,

urging them to follow their instructions about how to combat it.

Calls are all very similar.

A frantic man urges the hotel desk worker or guest to set off a fire sprinkler,

sound an alarm, or break windows.

That didn't even sound frantic.

Yeah, they didn't sound frantic at all.

Yeah, and the only people that were frantic

were the people smashing fucking windows with a toilet lid or whatever.

Idiots.

The lid of the toilet.

Yeah, cases have been reported in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Florida,

and Nebraska in recent weeks.

So felony charges could be filed against whoever is making the calls.

At this time, they do not know who is the responsible party.

So apparently there's just a...

I can't wait to see.

What's going to happen with this whole thing.

It's been going on for a few weeks now, apparently.

A prank caller out there.

And I believe they're with PrankNet, isn't it?

They've been, you know, creating damaging prank calls, and it's...

Aren't they in Canada or some shit?

I don't know if they are.

If they were, that'd be smart, because that way they could be getting around the system.

Maybe that's what they're doing.

Talk about balls, dude.

Did you hear about, like, this guy in Britain that fucking...

He pranked the White House?

Yeah, I got that story to talk about here also.

Somebody said there was a bomb in...

Was it Times Square or something like that?

No, what it was was, like, this guy...

These motherfuckers were at a cookout.

It was a 19-year-old guy for, like, British guy, right?

They were at a cookout.

They must have been fucked up.

And they were like, oh, I got a good idea, mate.

Let's call the White House.

And they said there was a bomb in Madison Square Garden.

Oh, my God.

Why would they call the White House and report that?

You know what he got?

He didn't get shit.

He got a fucking six-month suspended sentence.

He didn't get fucking dick.

Yeah, but he got tried in England, right?

Is that where it was?

Yeah, I mean, they couldn't do shit over that.

I mean, I can't believe that.

That's pretty hardcore to say.

And then, you know what I'm saying, because that's like, I mean, of all the shit that America's been through with the bombings and shit, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you can't do that from the States.

He's lucky that he was in the U.K. when he did it, yeah.

You know what, though?

I don't give a shit.

That was funny.

I don't care what anybody says.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Yeah, I guess it was reported by, I guess the guy's in Liverpool, England.

He called in a prank, a bomb prank to the White House and got away with, what, a six-month suspended sentence, you're saying?

That's the way to do it.

That's hard.

We can never achieve that.

That's, like, hardcore.

That's, like, a real deal.

Phoned the White House and claimed it was a bomb in central New York

during a drunken prank.

Drunken prank.

Come on, man.

Thomas Hutchinson, 19, at Dorsen Crescent, Sheffield, South Yorkshire.

God, they got so many names for where you live there.

Sparked an international terrorism investigation

after he made the phone call during a barbecue on May 10th.

Hutchinson was handed a six-month suspended jail sentence

at Sheffield Magistrate's Court for the hoax

in which he claimed

it was a bomb

in Madison Square Gardens.

They actually put

Madison Square Gardens.

They're so,

they don't know.

Oh my God.

They're so stupid.

I didn't know

there was more than one.

Yo, the gardens.

Madison Square Gardens.

Are there two of those

fucking places now

where asshole Nick fans

gather on a,

you know,

semi-weekly basis

to watch basketball

and be generally

annoying and assholes?

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't think so with that,

but it's fucking,

yeah, so that's what's up, man.

I just, I think,

I mean,

could you imagine, like,

what balls that guy had?

Like, I mean,

I wonder how drunk he was.

What is it like Coke and he had a good idea

to just fucking phone that guy

and interview him for being stupid?

There you go.

Well, put him on it.

It's his prank calls in the news.

I think we should touch it.

We should launch a search for that guy's phone number

and have him call us as a guest

or we call him and talk to him about what happened.

Yeah, somebody, one of you like

badass fucking phone looker-uppers,

I'll tell you what.

Yeah, get on it.

Like, just find that.

I don't know how to do it.

I'm fucking too busy with porn and shit.

Get on it, guys.

Come on.

Help us out.

All right, let's call these fatties

as you're saying

the National Association

of Fat Acceptance

it's called a phase

fatty rape

we're going to have

a good time

so you want to

cancel the show man

you'll be missing out

on some good shit

that's true

the flirting

holy shit

why

they have a

flirting workshop

okay

there's actually

a workshop for that

to learn how to flirt

I would like

to put on a fat suit

just go

I want to know

what they talk about

I wonder if they

got YouTubes on this

dude

I mean

flirting workshop

I don't know

I'll have to find out

maybe they do

I mean all these

there's only one

one solution to all these fucking problems.

You know what it is?

What?

Lose weight.

That's the point, motherfuckers.

Yeah, that's what Howard was talking about today.

Hey, so, wait a minute now.

Who's doing the event about the flirting?

Does it have a name?

We're going to ask for them, see if they're at the hotel already.

I love how it says the hands-on, taught by some of the biggest names.

The biggest names, I get it.

All right.

Those little dumbasses.

All right, but who are you going to ask for?

You've got the list of people you're going to ask for, right?

I sent it to you on Yahoo, or on AOL, actually.

Yeah, let's look, I wonder if there's, I'm trying to find, like, the pictures.

I wonder if they got the pictures and shit.

I don't know.

Okay, here we go.

They got, okay, Thursday, pre-convention event, 11 p.m., so that's over.

Tomorrow, they got, what do they got?

A great big workout.

Make room for bellies and butts.

Where are you seeing this?

I can't find it.

Dude, all right.

Schedule, schedule.

Okay.

Schedule, and then click on Friday, July.

Dude, this is the best.

I need to go through this website.

Warning registration.

Like, I can't believe these people, how delusional they are.

Like, I mean...

Setting boundaries workshop.

Yeah, like yoga.

Like, do you honestly think these motherfuckers can do, like, any form of yoga?

I don't know.

Let's call Kelly Bliss, then.

Like, how do you...

I want to see that.

Like, I want to know how these sons of bitches do yoga.

Well, ask...

You know what I'm saying?

Well, we'll call...

Ask for Kelly Bliss.

She's got to be there already.

She has to do yoga at 8 o'clock in the morning.

I'm sure she's there.

She's the very first one.

She's the 5-foot-200-pound woman that we were talking about at the beginning of this.

All right, so that's what I want.

I wanted something to talk about besides some bullshit, so there we go.

There you go.

The fitness expert who is not much of an expert or not much of a fitness.

How do they do?

All right, we're going to find out.

Okay, I've got a premise now.

I got it.

She's got to be flexing.

She's got to be...

Something's up.

She's up to something.

She's juicing.

I'm going to try to talk like a fat person.

I don't know how to do it.

Put a...

You got any markers with you?

You got something you can put in your cheek?

That's how I do it.

Oh, same.

Well, I kind of...

I'm kind of...

Maybe Rich Randall can be fat.

Yeah.

I just have to talk like I got...

Just breathe in the phone.

Oh, let me go get...

Slow it down and breathe in the phone.

What's that?

If you slow it down and breathe in the phone.

Let me go get some fucking chips or something.

I got something up there I'm putting in my mouth.

in the fucking...

There you go.

You just eat the whole time.

Dumbass, that's fine.

All right, I'm going to connect

while you do that, all right?

Okay, let's do it.

All right.

I'm going to talk to Kelly Bliss, please.

Yeah, she's there for the convention.

I'm going to connect you.

Yeah, yeah.

God damn it.

Can I speak to Kelly, please?

To Kelly?

Yeah, Kelly Bliss.

I'm trying to speak to her.

She's supposed to be teaching a class tomorrow

on yoga.

Okay, I'm having a meeting.

Hello, is this Kelly Bliss?

This is Kelly Bliss, yes.

Thank you for answering my call.

My name is Richard Randall, and I'm supposed to, yes, I'm supposed to come tomorrow to the yoga class,

but I don't think, I just don't understand how I'd be able, I'm kind of, I'm pretty bad off.

Like, I'm about 350 pounds, and I'm just trying to figure out how I do the yoga.

I'm kind of afraid.

It's not a yoga class.

That is my specialty is I work with supersized people.

I am.

So you're welcome to come.

Are you a supersized yourself?

I am.

Oh, that's okay.

You're welcome to come and do whatever you can.

And I've had people in my classes, five, six, seven hundred, and we've had no trouble at all.

Wow.

That's great.

And they can do yoga or Pilates.

What do you guys do again?

Because I read on the website it says yoga.

yoga with 10 minutes of yoga like stretches oh wow you're welcome to come and check it out it's an

hour of your life if it helps you it'll be great if it doesn't what the heck it's just an hour

that's right because the thing is i had so many problems and it's just i'm tired of it and i just

i want to exercise and be normal just like everybody else what you're saying you're in

In the right place at the right time.

Because it's just I had a white friend seem she left me for just a regular guy.

Now tell me your first name again.

Richie.

Richie, you know what?

I have to go so that I can do class tomorrow.

But I look forward to meeting you and talking to you more tomorrow, all righty?

I got to tell you a little bit more.

Hold on a second here.

Let me get something.

I've been drinking a little bit.

Okay, Richie.

You have to listen to me and believe me, I cannot talk to you tonight, but I really hope to meet you in the morning when you come to the class.

Can I come early for a morning warm-up?

Half a minute before that.

Once you're right attire.

You have a good time?

I'm eating like real bad.

Yeah, it came and went.

It was pretty funny because at one point you're like, hang on, let me get some.

And you took a hit of chips.

It was pretty funny.

I sent you a link to her.

She's got a website.

Her picture, she's got a video up there, man.

KellyBless.com

I found it while you were doing the call.

I was just about to tell her about Francine and shit, but she didn't want to hear it.

We should call her.

Can we call her back?

This is so horrible.

Hang on, let me call her.

What?

No, here's what we should do.

You call back.

Uh-huh.

And then just call back in a little bit, right?

Okay.

And then just say that, yeah, there was this guy, his last phone, like we checked his cell phone,

and this guy killed himself.

Oh, no.

Killed himself to death

or he choked.

He just choked.

Yeah.

No, he didn't choke.

He just, he, like,

slit his wrist or some shit.

You were the last person he,

you were the last person he talked to.

Yeah, right.

He must have been disturbed

by whatever you said about him.

What did he say?

What was his last conversation?

You have to tell us.

On the state S-string,

give me a second.

It's three minutes,

57 seconds long.

Don't do anything reckless.

Are you going to be on mute?

Oh, the video of her?

Yeah, yeah.

Go check it out.

I'm going to play it now

for everyone else to see.

Yeah, now I'm really hungry.

All right, give me four minutes.

I'll be right back.

Hey, I'm just over five feet tall,

under 200 pounds.

I eat so healthy,

a Weight Watcher customer could follow me around

and would just be envious.

I work out all the time

because I'm a fitness instructor,

and I still remain five foot tall, 200 pounds.

It's the way I'm supposed to be.

I got two choices.

It's fucking boring.

I'm going to cut it off.

It's a woman who's big,

and she teaches people how to stay big, I guess.

I don't understand it.

She seemed ancient and old.

I asked if she was a large person.

Fuck it.

I mean, she's not, like, as big as the people, like, the Fatimas or whatever, but...

No, she's no, yeah, she's no svelte fucking thing.

She's got, she doesn't have a little thing on her.

So, let's call, like, who was that, was it, she had, like, a dyke girlfriend?

Who the fuck was in her room at, like, midnight?

I don't know, her handler, you think?

I don't know.

That was kind of weird, right?

Her handler.

I'm looking here to...

That's, like, King Kong.

All right, so, before we call her back, we can also...

Francis White's going to be doing an orientation tomorrow there in the early afternoon.

We can try to give her a call.

Dude, I'd say, me personally, I would say, I just want to listen to that.

Dude, I would say you call back.

I think that would be balls, dude.

I wonder what they'd say.

I don't know about telling her that you killed yourself.

I know, but, like, I mean, is that illegal?

Kind of, it might create a panic.

I could say that you ran away crying, and I don't understand that.

You seemed like you were having an episode that you were going, you know, got real emotional.

He's crazy.

They had to take him.

All right.

Don't say they killed himself.

No, no.

All right.

He said he had to be taken to the hospital because he was hysterical.

Also, you had a panic attack and they came down and they had to take you away for observation.

Nunes says that the association is full of lesbians.

They're notorious for it.

Ooh, all right.

Nice.

You know why?

Because he can't get a fucking dude.

I mean, what dude's going to fuck that?

You get two broads that look like that.

It's like, okay, well, we can't get dicks.

So I guess we'll settle for somebody that looks as bad as I do.

You know what I mean?

Get a little bit, you know, a hole's a hole.

Get a little meat in there.

That's my opinion.

That's right.

I'm pretty sure it's right.

Yeah.

All right, cool.

Let me give her a call back.

I'm going to call as Jack Masterson and see where we can take it.

You want to do that?

I'm not going to chime in on this one.

I just want to.

All right.

Cool.

But, yeah, I want to hear this.

This is great.

All right, thanks.

Yes, hi.

Good afternoon.

May I speak with Kelly Bliss, please?

One moment.

Hi, can we get there?

Hello.

Hi.

Can I speak with Kelly Woods, please?

Sorry, she's sleeping.

I'm sorry to bother you.

My boyfriend got upset, and he had a panic attack, and he just left.

And I just looked on his phone, and this was the last number he called.

I don't know if someone, did someone upset him, or he seemed upset, and he came in, and he said that he had it, he had it.

He went to the bathroom, and he started throwing up, and he had a panic attack, and he was, like, shaking.

Did someone talk to Richie over there?

Do you know Richie?

Do you know what happened to him?

I don't know. I know that he called just to find out about if you're good.

Was he upset? He had a panic attack, and he started clenching his fist,

and he was trying to harm himself down there a little bit, too, I think.

Who is this Kelly that he's talking to?

Because he's had a thing before where he's straight away,

and I want to make sure that everything's on the up and up.

Regarding an exercise class in the morning.

He's under physical therapy. He's not supposed to be taking an exercise class.

Who prescribed this plant for him?

He prescribed it.

He called here himself.

Miss Kelly, the doctor?

So what was she trying to do?

I'm a little confused now.

What was she trying to do?

She gave him some advice, and he had a panic attack.

Well, this woman said something to him, and he got upset, and he had a panic attack,

and he won't tell anybody what's wrong.

All I know is that he failed, and he started trying to harm himself.

So what he did, he took out his private parts, and he grabbed them really hard.

He was, like, strangling them.

He said, you MF her.

You MF her.

Even when they're out for it, like that, really loud, and they had to call the people downstairs, and they took him away, and they said he was having a panic attack, it said, on the paper is what they said.

So whatever your wife said to him, sir, I need to understand right now, because I need to try to go down there now and talk some sense into him.

So what did she say to trigger him?

Did she say something about he's overweight?

Did she talk bad about it?

Sometimes he gets upset about that.

No, the whole organization.

I don't appreciate you laughing in the background about this or making comments like you are.

So, I apologize if I misinterpreted it.

You just have a very man-like voice.

This hasn't been confusing.

I'm laughing, you fucking dykes.

All right, that was a Richie Randall call.

Well, a Richie Randall foul-out by Jack Masterson, which went nowhere, but we tried.

And they almost hung up on Reckless.

Reckless, you're there.

Returning to main menu.

Oh.

You have two new messages.

To listen to your messages...

We have a Reckless to call back in.

They're probably going to end the show now, actually, as a matter of fact, because I'm tired.

We had a lot of technical difficulties today.

Did Milkman ever make it back in?

Or is he still on his break?

Or his work.

Actually, he's not on break anymore.

He was on break before.

Milkman.

No Milkman, everybody.

All right, we're going to call it.

Calling the shot, everybody.

Thank you for listening tonight.

It's been Madhouse Radio, madhouselive.com for July 30th.

When we come back, it'll be August.

I'm going to try to do a Monday morning show here soon, Tuck.

Be aware of that.

Are you up at all early on Mondays still like you used to be sometimes?

I know you used to get up just in case.

You never knew when I was going to do that show.

Tuck's not even around.

No one's around.

Fuck you.

you all right i want to thank everyone who showed up for tonight lonesome loser thanks for uh

showing up and sending us your confirmation thanks reclude for calling in also we had a good time

with the uh calls to see let's see this is a callback or if it's reclude reclude that's your

reclude reclude reclude i think the phone's off now reclude well the phone's fucking up again

beautiful beautiful night it's been here folks anyway be sure to visit our website madhouse

live.com again that's madhouse live.com you can join us there uh subscribe to the podcast check

Check out the forums and visit all our friends.

We're linked there as well.

And tell a friend while you're at it.

Tuck's website, that's tuckermike.com, tuckermike.com.

He's got a blog there as well.

Be sure to check that out.

Kokanee doesn't do anything but work on the railroad and send us archives of articles for the show.

Thank you, news director.

Couldn't do it without you.

Of course, Milkman, if Milkman was here, he'd tell you that he's the co-host and number two chair and all this stuff.

And he's so proud of this and this and that and Irmana and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, man, yeah, man.

You guys know how that goes.

and we've all had enough of that

to be honest with you from here.

We'll be back next week.

I think that's going to be the 8th.

I'm sure.

I'm going to try to get back to you one more time.

Is this hanging up?

I don't understand.

I don't know.

Phone's fucked up.

We're out of here, folks.

Thank you very much for listening again.

If I could find the outro, I would, baby.

There we go.

Bye-bye now.

Take care.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (14, 55 min of 1 h 28 min)

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