Your Mom Can’t Make Sauce

Shit, damn it.

I think I just shit in the phone.

No, it's good.

Who the fuck is this?

Fuck, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

What the fuck is this?

Let's do some prank calls and get out of here.

Tuning in.

Several people tuning in.

Lonesome Loser tuning in.

Nunu.

Zuzer here.

Tug is here also.

Tug is here.

Both band is not available by computer, but I'll call him later.

Sir?

Zolar.

Hi, Zolar.

How you doing?

Howdy, Zolar.

Number's coming in from Lonesome Loser.

Let's play this real quick first.

Bitches, leave.

please don't kill me all right oh buddy boy dick jones here i guess you're on your knees about now

begging for your life then you don't feel so cocky now do you but if he's paying you

i'll double it right now you know what the tragedy is here bob friends you wouldn't go

through proper channels you went over my head that hurt but life goes on it's an old story

The fight for love and glory, huh, Bob?

It helps if you think of it as a game, Bob.

Every game has a winner and a loser.

I'm cashing you, Bob.

That's my message to KDK and everybody.

I didn't really get that, but okay.

Pretend Bob is KDK.

But instead of Dave, it was Bob.

All right.

Do I have to play it again?

I mean, just think about it.

Just pretend that was KDK.

No, no.

Whatever.

I get you.

You don't get anything.

From the South, AC.

We're back with a prank call.

Thank you.

Thank you for calling.

Shut up.

Hello?

Yes.

This is the pizza place?

Sorry?

You have hot and ready pizzas there 24-7?

Yes.

When I come in, it's ready?

I need five of them pepperoni pizza larges.

How many you got right now?

Thank you.

Probably best that we can probably have in a minute.

Well, I want 12.

I want 12, so I get the other two for free because that's your policy, right?

The other two for free?

Well, yeah, because if you come in and if it's not ready up to like 5, I guess it's free.

Like if my order is 5 pizzas and you don't have 4 ready, then I get the one for free in 10 minutes or less.

Or the whole order is free.

I have it here in this paper.

It was in the newspaper today in the Thursday ad, the circular.

You know the circular?

It was in the circular today.

Okay.

We do not have...

I command you, I command you under the laws of business science and the theories of customer service

to grant me my offer and follow through with the promises made on this piece of paper.

In the name of business sciences.

Business science?

What the fuck is business science?

Are you?

I'm sorry, how may I help you?

Shut up.

Hello?

Who is this?

Is this a man or a woman?

This is a man.

Okay, good.

I just want to make sure.

In the name of business science, I'm telling this young man to do his job and honor the deal

It's in this coupon that was in the circular today in the Thursday paper.

And it said if your pizza is not hot and ready, that you get one for free.

And I said that I wanted 12 of them, and he said there's only 10 available.

So I want the other two for free.

And 10 minutes after I get there, you will write this down, and you will honor it when I come in.

I can't honor that at all.

It says it in the paper, sir.

I understand that, but if you need 12 pizzas and you're calling a place in order for 12 pizzas,

I'm going to have your 12 pizzas ready by the time you get here.

But they're not ready now.

I'm coming in to claim it right now.

I could be there in less than 60 seconds.

I have the ability.

I'm within proximity.

I understand that.

But for orders like that, we don't honor anything.

It says it in a paper on your letterhead.

It says here, Little Caesars Pizza.

And it says in today's paper that hot and ready or it's free.

Okay.

How many pepperoni pizzas do you have ready right now?

Give me one second and I'll tell you.

Count to me now, bastard.

I'll teach him a lesson about business sciences.

I'm going to have nine pepperoni pizzas available.

All right, I want ten. I want one free.

Okay, just make sure you bring that coupon or else there's no way I'm going to honor that.

It's handwritten, but it's signed by the manager.

By who, manager?

By the owner of the franchise.

We're not a franchise.

The owner of the store that you're in right now, he put his signature here.

It's on paper, on letterhead. It says Little Caesars on it.

I see there's a million Little Caesars around.

First of all, this one's a corporation.

The owner doesn't even live in California.

I know. I'm a friend of his. I know exactly. I play golf with him. I'm Jack Valente.

What's his name?

I'm Jack Valente.

What's his name?

Mr. Caesar.

Nah, dude. I can't honor that.

His name is Cesar, okay? I know his name is Cesar. That's what you call him.

Nah, dude.

Let me speak this...

Check it out. By the time you get here, if you want to place that order, I'll have it ready for you.

What do you do with the...

I don't have whatever you need.

Hey, do you throw away pizzas at the end of the night?

Sorry?

Do you throw away pizzas at the end of the night, usually?

Yeah, we do.

Can you give me a pizza? Because when you close...

I need a free pizza, so you're making a big deal out of things just for a free pizza.

Listen, my name is Milkman.

That's all you need, bro.

That's all you have to ask.

You know, why all the drama?

Yeah.

Bro, can you hook me up with a free pizza?

We don't start throwing them away until after 10 when we're closed.

All right, so come by.

Can you put it, like, in a double bag if you're putting it in the trash first?

I mean, I'll take it out of the trash.

As long as you don't, like, laugh at me or something, I'll do it.

Nah, man, check it out.

If you want to just come in a little after 10, I'll still be in here until probably 11.

So just give me a call right before 10 o'clock, and I'll see what I can do for you.

Can I get some of that Crazy Bread?

We'll see, brother.

Huh?

I said we'll see.

Look, please, I really like the Crazy Bread a lot, too.

I understand that, but, you know, like, if I have some to throw out, then yeah,

but, you know, I can't just be giving out free products.

All right, but some pizza, though, right, maybe?

You'll hook me up with a pizza?

You'll hook me up with a pizza, maybe?

Well, we'll see.

I mean, we always have leftover pizza, so, you know, like I said,

give me a call before 10 o'clock to remind me, or else everything's just going straight in the trash.

All right, man, I'll call you.

I'll call you around 10.

We'll talk about that free pizza.

All right, man.

All right, bro.

Aw, that's nice of him.

That's a nice world, isn't it, guys?

This guy's going to give me a free pizza.

Where is he at, anyway?

Yeah.

Is he in Florida?

California.

If anybody out there, let us know.

We can get you a free pizza tonight.

Let's go get you a free pizza tonight.

And you'll probably get arrested by the guy.

They figure out you're affiliated with Carlito's Madhouse.

An investigation.

I don't know who Carlito's Madhouse is.

Whatever.

Huh.

Well, some losers sending in some numbers here.

We got La Pizza Loca, The Comfort Inn, and Tongue's Happy Buddha.

It's called The Comfort Inn.

I wanted to mention, and Tuck, you ever seen that?

There was this movie called, well, how old are you, Tuck?

Are you in your 30s or in your 20s still?

What's your deal?

Oh, I'm older.

Yeah, I'm old.

What's up?

You ever see that movie, The Day After?

You remember it was a made-for-TV movie in 84, The Day After?

You ever see it?

Yes, the atomic nuclear war thing.

Right.

night it was a very realistic look in kansas of of what would happen if we had gone to war with

russia at the height of the cold war in 1984 so i was if we got nuked so let me tell you something

man i was on youtube on sunday and i said you know what i haven't seen that since i was a kid

i remember it gave me nightmares for like you know for two weeks and i went to youtube and

they have it like sequential part one part two all the way you know through 20 parts or whatever

and then i i go yeah so while i'm watching it i'm reading the youtube comments and people say oh

this you know this is a lot like the the bbc one that came out like a few months later and like

there was a bbc version of this right it was called threads have you ever seen it yes dude

let me tell you i had never seen it before but that that shit freaked it's one of those things

that you watch and it's it stayed with me for like a like at least the whole next day

It's a lot scarier than the day after.

Yeah, I want to recommend to everybody, if you get a chance this weekend

or even just right now after the show or whatever,

you go to YouTube and you look for Threads.

You type in Threads BBC in the search, and you're going to find one.

There's one person that's got it up, you know, part one, you know, all the way.

I think it's like 18 parts.

It's only, I think it's 80 minutes long in total.

I think it's like, I want to say it's like eight.

Part one of both of those movies is the only part worth seeing anyway.

Right.

Part one?

No, this movie.

The Threads movie, man, it's quite interesting.

It's a really realistic take at what would have happened in Great Britain if World War III had started.

And then I started looking into it.

There were a lot of close calls.

There were a lot of really hot situations and close calls that actually occurred.

heard um there's stuff like called like rex 83 was this military exercise that the united states

was doing to simulate going to nuclear war with russia like a readiness exercise in 1983

but the russians the the soviets at the time they their um their intel people their spies and their

intel were seeing that um it was like coinciding with with like a holiday in the soviet union

and they were they became alarmed to the point that they thought it really was the united states

is going to do a first strike against the Soviet Union.

And I think, like, the Soviet Union went to, like, the DEFCON 2 of their country.

There were a lot of, you know, they had the Cuban Missile Crisis.

My cousin was in one of the silos, you know, like in war games?

Right.

To turn the key and the missile goes up?

Right.

He was stationed in Germany, and he was stationed in one of those silos and had a key.

Wow.

During that period of time, yeah.

That's crazy.

Crazy. That's something, and the whole thing, would humans actually, would people actually go through with it, you know?

Would they actually be able to not question at the last minute, you know, are these my orders?

Exactly.

Anyway, so, dude, it's really crazy.

Like, they took a realistic look at the U.K.

They took the actual, you know, published strategy that the U.K. had in case there was a nuclear war,

because obviously the U.K. at the time still has NATO bases there and is an ally of the United States,

So it was obvious that the U.K. would get attacked with nuclear weapons.

They would probably attack the infrastructure, and they would also attack the air bases and the army barracks and stuff over there that were basically NATO bases.

So they take a realistic look to the T, like exactly what the plan of the U.K. government at the time was should nuclear war start happening.

And it's really wicked.

And actually, at the same time, they do a realistic look at what the effects would be of an all-out nuclear war.

I think it's like a 300-megaton exchange that they simulate.

And, like, it's, like, insanely, like, really realistic.

And it will freak you out, like, how close we could have come to destroying this whole fucking world.

It goes from, like, that point all the way to, like, I think it ends in 15 years later, as a matter of fact.

Like, it's all screwed up.

Like, there's no crops, you know, growing because there was a nuclear winter.

and then like the after after that because of the effects of the nuclear you know bombs going off

the ozone layer was like really fried up so a lot of uv rays were coming through so people had a lot

of cataracts they were all weak you had cancer those i think it said that it was pretty certain

like the uk like the population of the uk would fall below like the medieval days and that's how

many people will die just in the uk alone if you imagine the whole world anyway it's quite

interesting you got to watch it everybody if you get a chance to go to youtube and you look for

just type in threads bbc i'll see if i can put a link in the chat room here if nobody has yet

and i will definitely recommend watching that but they have even prepared it for you after it's

pretty cool too actually the day after yeah the day after is pretty cool but this one yeah that

one that one is pretty cool but this one is way more realistic it's very very yeah very good right

they have to with the water down america's version of it yeah it was

and it was but that's still good also anyway we got numbers to call so yeah i remember it very

very vividly when that mini-stitch came out.

All right, no more talking for the rest of the show.

It's just going to be prank calls now.

I have my little moment.

No, I'm going to call Milkman, too, before we head off the air.

What's up? How you doing, buddy?

I'll have to make an order for pickup, please.

What time is it usually closed?

And yes, you will apologize for that.

Who did you ask in the background who was calling the shots?

Uh, my chef.

Put the chef on the phone.

What the fuck do you mean you're closed, man?

What time is it?

Cook me up some of that shit real quick.

Don't be an asshole.

Yeah.

Do your fucking job, you lazy shit.

Where do you think you're going?

You going home?

You're going to get drunk probably, alcoholic.

Go fix me something to eat.

I want some steak fries and pommes frites and shit.

Yeah?

Maybe some twice-baked potatoes.

Baked potatoes.

Maybe some steak fries, man.

We make real food.

What do you make there?

You got some chicken?

Gumbo.

I want some of that gumbo.

Don't be a faggot.

How much is your gumbo usually, man?

It says you're an asshole because you're really close, right?

You got so much to fucking do.

Where are you going now?

What are you going to do now?

You got a big fucking life.

Oh, I'm close.

I'm the chef.

I call the shots.

I'm an asshole. I'm the chef.

Where'd you work at before? Denny's?

Where'd you learn to make chef?

Did you go to the community college?

Did you get culinary classes at the community college?

Nah, I didn't go to no community college, I mean.

Where'd you go? DeVry?

Went to DeVry Culinary Institute of Marketing?

You stupid fucking failing asshole.

You're a failure.

But you fail a lot and shit.

Where's Allison at?

She's not here.

Put that bitch on the phone.

I don't know where she's at.

A girl named Allison answered at 11.01 p.m. over there.

Put her on the phone.

She's on her knees right now.

She's busy.

Oh, she is?

Uh-huh.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

All right, you really creeped me out, but I'm going to hang up the phone now.

Bye.

That's all.

Looking on various street corners, I'm sure you've seen it yourself,

standing on the corner is an alleged brother dressed in blue or green, red, and black,

and spouting news that the revolution is coming, and you better get ready.

Sort of like the end of the world is coming.

Unfortunately, the world is ever born.

Recalling the Cold War, Benny Comfort, and a Valentine, this is Anna.

Yes.

A happy woman named Anna answered there once when I called.

Was that you?

Yes.

You were quite content and happy?

I am.

Okay, hey.

Yes.

If my wife happens to call in, you wouldn't tell her that I checked in, right?

Who am I talking to?

This is Valente.

You seem pretty cool, so I'm just saying, if I check in, my wife might be looking for me.

If she calls in, she might check the statement.

No.

Maybe you could just say that I had business.

and it's like you could say, oh, yeah, he was here for the conference or something, you know?

Yeah.

You could do that?

What kind of conference was it?

I don't know what I'm going to say.

I'm a dentist.

You are?

Because it was a dentist conference, yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah, in Valentine, Nebraska.

Well, I don't know what to do.

It's just I met a girl on this website, and she lives here, and we're looking for a place,

but, like, I've got to put it on my wife's credit card,

and she's probably going to be calling, snooping around, wondering why I checked into the Comfort Inn.

Oh.

You know.

Well, okay, what company do you work for?

I work for Valentin Associates.

It's like my own company.

That's why I was going to put it on the American Express, the company card,

but you'll see it too because she does the books.

Oh.

But seriously, we've got to come up with something now.

Okay.

I'm Dr. Valentin.

I have my associates.

I have two other doctors that work with me.

We have a practice together.

Okay.

Well, you were checking out Dr. B's dental office

and helping him with his Cerex machine here in Nebraska.

Yeah, and I had that.

dinner with his assistant anna yeah yeah because i am you are yeah you're thinking about it no i

had a i am his dental assistant okay so that's fine yeah so i'm saying me and you well i'll take

you out to dinner then right oh okay yeah would you be down for that no i'm good really yeah we'll

give you a massage oh okay well i have to check somebody in so if you would like to get a room

here tonight um i'm here until 11 so how much time has that got how much okay okay just a minute

I need to check somebody in.

Oh, you're going to go away for a while?

Yeah.

For a little bit?

Yep.

You want me to call back?

Sure.

What time?

You get out at 11.

You get out at 11, right?

Uh-huh.

I'll call you right away.

What number did I call you at?

The one you just called.

This one here?

You're going to talk to me?

Okay.

All right, girl.

All right, I'll talk to you, all right?

Okay.

All right.

Actual date, Zor.

Zor, we're going to run a train on Anna.

Zor's going to get that back.

Rear Sanctum.

What's going on?

I was talking about the Rear Sanctum.

with my buddies there the other night.

Is that one dude over there still?

What you talking about?

Oh, man.

You guys got that roast shit?

The roast.

You know, they got that roast?

The coffee roast?

We got lots of different roasts.

Yeah, I'm talking about that dark...

You know that roast that's got a lot of tannins in it?

It's got the tobacco notes in it.

You know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't think I know what you're talking about.

What's that one dark roast?

Everyone's always talking about going on and on.

Whatever we got in North Carolina.

Yeah.

Let me rock you a sugar cone.

Okay, what you doing?

Oh, you put out your finger like that?

you know it's good to do that you ever give a girl a massage on her legs in the back legs you do you

make that with your pinky finger when you get to the ass crack and you stick it in there a little

bit you know like that that's my move if you have any further questions you ever slip a finger to a

girl when you give her a massage and we've all done it sucks every time i hang the phone up now

fucking wedding ring hits that shit hate that hate the fucking wedding ring i'm gonna take it

off right now well share your decision the way you did what you made listen listen listen talk

listen to it right on the table on the desk i don't want it on right now i'm a single man right

now any ladies in the chat room yeah me anna's got downs for someone named chicky's i'll take

that well it's not my cousin i think my cousin might be listening but see i don't want to hook

up with my cousin if you got a hot cup dude it's okay shut up asshole talk about my cousin like

that my cousin's spoken for look at an old numbers here coward church of god that was back from 2006

2006. Wow.

I got some mobile, some loser numbers here.

All right, La Pizza.

They've got a live webcam up, too, apparently.

Mexican guy answered there a few minutes ago.

Who was that?

The what?

The Mexican guy answered there a few minutes ago.

Who was that?

Okay.

Lino had his idea of doing this with the calls tonight.

To take it literal, as Lonesome Losers says to me, you know,

because he'll send me a happy woman named Anna answered at 10, 15 p.m.,

so I'll call him and just say that just to confirm it.

We've got to do the U.K., though.

Motherfucker.

We'll have a Mexican guy here in the line in a second.

Yeah, hey, is this the Mexican guy?

Yeah, hey, a Mexican guy asked you there a few, like, at 10-15.

Who's the dude?

Okay, you're ordering a pickup or a delivery?

I'll do a pickup because I don't need you people coming to my house again

and touching my animals like the last guy came.

Okay, so pickup?

Yeah, but don't send the guy again who came and touched my animals.

You sent some guy over there, touched my animals when I came over here to deliver that food.

So you're going to do delivery this time.

You do it right.

You understand?

Let me get to the assistant manager, okay?

What's your function now?

Why did that have to be put on hold to talk to you?

Who are you, the overseer?

No, because he can talk to the manager, and then they can find the solution, you know?

Okay?

Yes.

I said yes, damn it.

Damn it, damn it.

Nunu says you need to beform the official telephone security service and create.

I'm just reading what he's saying, people, okay?

Okay, don't think I'm an asshole that doesn't know how to talk.

And create a big deal faux te fact that X guy answered at a time at ETC.

Do Jack Valenti voice.

Maybe set off the alarm or something that could be a lie detector or something.

Okay.

Okay, good.

I don't know.

You know what?

No, no, no.

We haven't brought out the lie detector machine in a while.

The alarm machine.

I don't know if it works.

Fuck.

What else?

No, you speak to American, please.

My manager is tomorrow and...

Wait a minute, Jose.

What's your name?

Jose.

You're Jose, really?

Uh-huh.

I just totally guessed that.

I was trying to be racist.

You're really...

Your name is really Jose.

Okay.

Son of a bitch.

Listen, are you the assistant manager or not?

No, my manager is tomorrow and...

You listen to me.

Some guy came to my house and touched my animals when they delivered the food, the pizza,

and I don't like it, and I want to get answers right now who it was.

You understand?

Okay.

Are you Italian or what are you?

Oh, you're Italian?

You speak Italian?

I speak a little Italian, but I speak Spanish, mostly.

No, no English, Spanish.

Oh, you speak Spanish?

Yes.

Hey, buenas tardes.

Buenas tardes.

Buenas noches.

Mira, ahí vino un tipo ahí a darme una pizza,

y me tocó al animal, al perro aquí lo tocó,

y esto no se puede tener aquí.

¿Quién fue el hombre que vino aquí y me tocó el animal?

¿Cuándo se la llevaron, oiga?

Esta tarde, hace como una hora, vino aquí un hombre aquí a hacer un delivery

y que tocó la animada aquí en las partes y todo eso,

y que le iba a morder y todo esto, se puso bien feo la cosa aquí,

le iba a dar spray en la cara y todo.

¿Ahorita en la tarde se la llevaron la pizza?

Sí, ahora mismo.

¿Cuál es su dirección?

He touched my dog, you understand, touching.

Okay, ¿cuál es su dirección?

29, 24, East Cesar Chavez Avenue, that's East L.A.

The man came here, he touched my dog and everything,

and the parts, the privates and everything,

No, he touched my dog.

me a second.

Let me check the order, please.

You guys speak in Italian?

Hello?

Let me check your order.

What?

Let me check your order, okay?

Okay, that's fine, go ahead.

One moment.

What?

Excellent.

We're doing a bilingual prank call here, apparently.

We've really done that.

I frown upon bilingual prank calls because

simple fact that most of the audience doesn't understand that pig language.

Fuck Spanish.

I hate Spanish.

Talking Spanish all the time at work.

I turned the man on the door for my teacher to pass Spanish.

Bullshit.

Because I couldn't have done it the other way.

Spanish is bullshit.

I work, I don't get paid extra to talk to Spanish.

I got to talk more words and deal with...

¿Se me puede repetir su dirección, por favor?

I think he was a Cuban, man.

What is your address?

Huh?

What is your address?

Who's the Cuban?

Put the Cuban on, the Colombian.

Huh?

Nah, Colombiano.

¿La dirección cuál es?

2-9-2-4, East Cesar Chavez Avenue.

¿Esa es mi dirección, 29-24?

That's what it says here in the...

Mira, look, goddammit.

This is what it says in the fucking paper here.

2924 East Cesar Chavez Avenue

Don't give me that bullshit

Who touched my dog?

Who made a pass at my dog and almost got bit?

You tell me

Son of a bitch

Someone tried to touch my bulldog

Put an American on the phone

No, no, no more with you

American now

American

Americano

What are you doing?

Okay

Okay.

How long?

He is my manager.

Wait a minute, the manager?

The manager was the one that delivered the pizza?

Yeah, tomorrow, mañana.

The manager is a pervert?

Yeah.

He's perverted?

Uh-huh.

Is he guilty of what he did?

Is he guilty?

It's tomorrow in the mañana.

Okay, well, the manager is guilty, right?

The manager came here?

Jorge.

Yeah, Jorge.

Jorge came in and he touched my dog, right?

Jorge, armas.

He was the one that did it?

Yeah, tomorrow in la mañana.

No, but today, right?

He was there today?

No, today, no, tomorrow.

He's going to come?

Today, no, bro.

So tomorrow he's going to come and touch my dog?

Yeah, tomorrow.

Tomorrow he's going to touch my dog?

Where, in the penis?

No.

In la mañana.

In the privates?

Yeah.

Okay, that's good.

Okay.

He's going to come here and do it?

Okay.

He's good?

Okay, I'm sorry.

No, but he's guilty, right?

Like, you're taking responsibility for this, right?

Yeah, tomorrow in the morning, okay?

Okay, are you guilty or not?

Say yes or no.

Okay, thank you.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

Don't hang up, please.

Mira, no me cancho, por favor.

No me cuelgues, señor.

Ajá, sí lo escucho.

Explícame.

Okay, mañana en la mañana aquí.

Okay, so he's guilty, right?

That he did it?

He came over here and touched the dog, right?

Solamente por aquí hable con él porque yo no tengo ninguna orden de...

Just say yes.

Say yes.

Yes.

J-E-S.

Solamente con él puede arreglar ese problema, oiga.

J-E-S, yes, say it.

Okay.

How do you say yes?

Say it.

Hello.

Bujro.

Huh?

Bujro.

All right.

I called him a donkey at the end there, and I was fucking retarded.

Thank you.

I'm going to call from the official telephone security service.

We're going to call the hotel and kitchen.

Let's see what happens when I call from there.

Call to there, rather.

The official telephone security service.

This is the hotel and kitchen.

This is Jack Valente.

I have down here, excuse me a minute.

All right.

It says here, a girl named Jen answered at 11.15 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Is this true?

We're calling 4-Bot's 9.30 here.

Okay, but that's right, but I'm in Eastern Standard Time, so that would be 8.30 your time.

It's 9.30 our time.

What time is 11.30 Eastern Standard Time where you are?

I don't know. Can I help you with something?

Well, I've got a little bit of a complaint.

It says here that Jen answered at, well, I guess this would be here,

just answered 13 minutes ago, as a matter of fact, and you must be trying to confuse me.

Okay. Did you try and call earlier?

Well, Jen answered when I called in 13 minutes ago.

Okay, that would be me.

Okay, so why are you answering the phone?

Why am I answering the phone?

Because I'm a business and I answer the phone.

Yeah, but you don't have authority to answer the phone.

Why are you answering the phone?

There are half records here that you answered the phone 13 minutes ago.

Bitch.

This is the Italian Kitchen.

This is Katie.

Yes.

Hi.

It says here that Jen answered at 13 minutes ago, 15 minutes ago,

and I don't know under whose authority she's answering the phone over there.

Can I ask who's calling?

This is Valente, Jack Valente.

Okay, one moment, please.

Breaking news, breaking news here, everybody.

i have to fart and i might be able to do it on the phone with the answer quick enough here

this is jen how can i help you yes hello jen jen you disconnected the call i mean i don't

i don't respect that again under whose authority can i help you can i help you with something

where are your papers at do you have your papers are you done i have one other thing to say you're

ready let's hear it i think i just shit in the phone no it's good i tried it i tried it but i

couldn't produce it's pretty embarrassing it's like going to it's like going to fuck a girl

all of a sudden you just get the effort to go and try yeah well you know gotta get that anal viagra

i don't eat bad like that anymore wouldn't make me want to fart all the time needy's loving an

argument about answering the phone yeah that's true that's pretty funny you have an argument

over your answer the phone it's a fucking asshole i work here of course i had a phone stupid anyway

nice mexicans on the phone tonight too that's pretty interesting let's call this chinese

Chinese restaurant and shit, Galveston, Texas.

Yeah, tap, Chinese food?

Yes, sir.

Galveston, Texas.

Yes, sir.

An Asian guy answered there.

Yes, sir.

And what is this?

I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to the Asian guy.

No, we just got to decide which one you want to talk to.

The guy answering the phone over there who sounds Asian.

Well, that's me.

Don't be ridiculous, okay?

Honestly, please let me speak to the Asian person there who answers the phone.

That's me.

I'm speaking.

Okay, I don't want to have a conversation with a Hispanic person.

and I need to speak to the Asian there who answers the phone

who took my order and messed it up.

The Asian people, we only have one Asian people answer the phone tonight,

fucking tonight, answer the phone, so I'm the Asian people.

You know, I think it's a little joke.

Why don't you go, can you put the other Asian person on the phone, please?

That's the only one. I'm the only one.

You said there's someone out there bussing tables and shit.

Who is it? Put the guy on the phone.

Hurry up or you're going to hear a sound over the phone that you don't want to hear.

Well, you can say anything you want.

You know, I just want to know what's going on, and I take care of it.

Farted on the phone.

You heard it?

I don't care.

Whatever.

You smell it?

Smell it?

Farted on the phone.

It'll make you smell it.

I hate you so much, I wish I could smell it.

Yeah.

It's true, I do.

I'm going to keep farting on the phone tonight.

I'm going to get something to eat that'll give me gas.

What can I have, Tuck?

Your mom's lasagna, probably.

Your mom can't make sauce, Tuck.

That's what I heard.

Tuck's mom can't make sauce.

I'm going to drink some chlorine.

I'll be right back.

Beans are good for your heart.

all right this is called the italian restaurant italian restaurant is located

colorado a guy answered yelling bovas into the phone at 11 30 p.m let's talk to him about that

right back in a moment yeah sorry my phone guy answered they're yelling bovas to the phone like

around 11 30 p.m like five minutes ago yeah that was sorry that was me that my phone's messed up

it's got a bad connection on the bottom of it in the back what's your fucking problem sal

What's your problem, Sal?

Why are you calling me Sal?

Is that not your name?

No.

You're Italian?

Yeah.

Your name's like Sal or something, right?

What's your name, Vinny?

Do you need something, man?

Your mom can't make sauce.

Yeah.

Your mom, your sauce sucks there, too.

I bet your mom goes back to make shitty-ass sauce all day.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, your mom's sauce sucks.

Except for the one down there.

I like that sauce she makes down there.

Mm-hmm.

Go down there and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Mm-hmm.

You done?

Well, you know it, too.

You've been down there, too.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, you can't make sauce.

And?

Your point is?

And you're yelling Bova's in the phone like a douchebag asshole all the time.

What's your fucking problem?

Why you got to answer the phone like a douche, like a prick-ass asshole fucking ass?

When you learn a better way, you want to have a little more delicacy.

When you answer the phone, you be more delicate with people.

There's women calling over here.

Women calling you all the time.

Hey, Bova's, Bova, I'm Italian.

Hey, hey, oh, Bova, oh, I'm Italian, oh, look, make a big deal, oh, oh, I'm from New York, oh,

You bet you drive like an asshole, too.

What do you drive?

You drive like a white SUV, probably.

You get on people's assholes all the time.

Hate you.

Are you done?

I hate you so much, I want to fart in the phone.

I wish you could stop.

I wish the fucking God you'd smell it.

I wish you'd get sick.

Throw up.

Throw up all over the phone.

I have to buy a new phone.

I hate you so fucking.

You fucking disgust me.

Your sauce is disgusting.

Disgusting.

All your food is over there.

It's disgusting.

Who cooks back there?

Are you done?

No, I asked you a question, stupid.

I asked you a fucking question.

You're so stupid.

I'm fucking stupid.

You're calling me talking like an ass.

I'm calling you...

And I'm a stupid one.

I'm calling you asking a question, and you interrupt me with...

No, you ain't asking me a fucking question.

I asked you...

You're being a fucking ass.

I asked you who...

And that's what you're fucking doing.

Who cooks the shit food there?

Who makes the shitty sauce?

You can't answer me.

Did I tell you to fucking eat here?

No.

So go fuck yourself.

When I came in and got some shitty food, I'm calling to talk to the prick-ass chef.

What is he, Mexican?

What's the real deal?

What's going on?

Are you done?

If you got something to fucking say, then fucking say it.

If you're going to sit there and talk fucking shit, then talk fucking shit,

because I'm going to hang up the fucking phone.

Yo, yo, you're talking fucking shit.

So you got something to fucking say?

You didn't fucking think so.

I'm Italian.

I'm angry.

And?

How much you weigh?

Does it fucking matter?

You're fat.

Yeah, and you have a small dick.

What's your fucking point?

You got diabetes in your family?

No, I don't.

Are you fucking done?

That's not what I hear.

I heard you're going to get diabetes.

That's not what I fucking hear.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck what you think.

You're just a fucking loser that gets off talking shit to somebody you don't even fucking know.

Let me talk to the chef.

I asked you that question, who's the chef, and you still haven't answered me.

I think you had a lobotomy or something stupid.

Are you done?

Can I speak to the other people?

Yeah, I can give a fuck.

You've already insulted me on the phone, sir.

I don't give a fuck, dude.

How dare you insult me?

I don't give a shit.

Are you done?

You're sick.

Are you done talking to me?

No, not yet, no.

Okay, go ahead.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You command me?

Yeah.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Valente.

No, buddy.

I'm Valente.

That's what I fucking thought.

I'm Valente, buddy.

Valente.

I don't give a shit who you are.

I don't give a fuck about you.

I told you I want to talk to the...

You didn't want this closed down?

Let me talk to the chef.

Aren't they no longer?

Aren't they gone?

Didn't they fucking close?

No.

No, they didn't close this down.

We just moved.

Oh, well, why don't you eat their fucking...

Go eat your own fucking sauce.

We make good sauce.

we make good sauce but you why are you calling me because your shit sucks and you've knocked us out

of town so go fucking go fuck yourself you first i told you he hang out first motherfucker i thought

it wasn't i wasn't gonna be able to bring him in finally got him hooked there for a while geez i

was wondering what's gonna work that's pretty good i knew eventually something was gonna stick to him

i want to hear that back i want to see at what point i finally got him to bite you got him to

lose i think it's what i think it's what i said he's so stupid he didn't know how to answer

questions that's where you've got like yeah like a little too close to that italian ego with his

bar they have a live webcam up in the mug i'm going to move for something with vinegar in it

uh no uh talk you get your old lady over here with a douche megan taking a look at this video

i'm sorry milkman's not here and you know all right we're looking at american bar

they're in nevada there's a chunky girl behind the bar over there a woman answered 11 37 p.m

Eastern Standard Time. Let's give a call

to Harry's American Bar.

Hey, Big Brooke. How you doing, girl?

Really good. Thanks. Awesome. Big girl.

Hey. Uh-huh.

Woman answered there about five minutes

ago. I must not have been able to hear

the phone over the music.

Why didn't anybody answer the phone? I called for five

minutes and I called once and someone hung up

on me and I heard bad words. Someone was saying

bad words. Oh, you must have called the wrong

number then. No, this is

someone was saying bad words in the back.

Oh, I have no idea.

In fact, that's totally impossible.

Are you in the toilet right now?

I called the wrong number.

Ew, you're in the toilet?

What is this?

Are you taking a shit in the toilet?

What are you doing?

Who is this?

Are you doing your business in the toilet?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Okay, I hear it.

Put the phone down there and let me hear you.

Put the phone down there and let me hear you tinkle.

I want to hear you tinkle.

What can I do for you?

You can let me hear you tinkle.

Hey, you.

Is there anything else I can get for you?

Yeah, you can put an order in for me.

Is there anyone I need to talk to?

Okay, let me talk to a man.

hand please have a wonderful evening no whatever i didn't like her from the beginning she's a woman

that's why that's why i didn't like her that much shut up shut up hello hello hi yes this is vagina

jones how are you senate jones vagina jones yes yes fine thank you okay i need to make a

reservation i need to make computer computer reservation damn you stupid thank you very much

Okay.

Now, would you like to dine with us?

As soon as possible.

Will you have women rub me when I eat my food?

I would like a woman to come and give me a massage.

I'm sorry, could you speak slowly, sir?

I want a woman to give me a massage while I eat.

Massage?

Mm-hmm.

This is New York Grill?

Yeah, I went to the New York Grill, and this woman was giving me a massage, you know, my private parts, while I was eating the food.

Uh, I'm sorry, just a moment, sir.

What's your name?

Uh, this is Adachi speaking.

Who? Adachi?

Adachi.

Adachi?

Hi.

You like oral sex?

Um, sorry, sir.

You know, you like that.

Just a moment, sir.

No, I can do it now. It's cool.

I'll be right over.

All right, let's talk oral sex in Japan.

Just a moment, sir.

I will change manager.

You're going to change managers now with night shift?

Who's coming in?

Just a moment, sir.

I need to speak to Sakura-san.

Mm-hmm.

Sakura-san?

Sakura.

Sakura-san.

Mm-hmm.

Miyamoto-san.

Morimoto-san.

Yes.

Any other than there?

Ching Chong-san.

Aoyagi-san.

Ching Chong-san.

Mm-hmm.

Ching Chong-san.

Mr.?

Mr. Ching Chong-san.

Yes.

May I have your name, please, again?

I'm sorry.

This is Larry Leland.

Could you spell for me?

L-A-R.

R-Y.

L-A-R.

Mm-hmm.

R-Y.

All right.

L.

A.

E.

O.

B.

V.

V for British.

Huh?

V like vagina?

Mm-hmm.

V.

X.

Mr. Larry.

Yes, that's me.

That's me.

Can you put the manager on the phone, please?

Because this is just too much for me, sweetie.

All right, go run along.

If I was there, I'd slap you in the ass and tell you to go run along.

Go run along.

Just a moment.

Yeah.

I would spank her in the ass on her way out.

Wish this place had a webcam.

Hello, I think Mr. Lally.

Hey, how you doing?

Very good, sir.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Very good.

No, my name.

Mr. Lally.

That's not me.

Do you have the right line?

Yes, sir.

What do you have there?

I heard from Mr. Lally.

Mr. Lally?

Yes, sir.

No, that's not Mr. Lally.

Oh, okay.

Maybe you've pronounced it funny.

Listen, I was over there recently, and I met a girl.

We had oral sex, and I was wanting her to, like, serve me there

and give me a massage while I eat the food.

Trying to eat food, sir.

Yeah, but I want the massage again like last time.

Uh-huh.

So you had the dinner.

You will have dinner here.

Uh-huh.

And after that?

Massage.

We'll massage.

Yeah.

Help me, sir.

Are you staying with us, sir?

No, no.

Uh-huh.

I will check the availability, sir.

No, no.

I'm like, there's a cute girl there.

I like a cute girl.

Make a massage while I eat at the same time.

Oh, okay.

We don't have that kind of massage, sir.

Do you have banana show?

No, sir.

No? Meat show?

Yes. No, sir.

Do you have banana?

No.

Do you have zucchini?

No, sir.

Sausage?

No, sir.

Hot dog?

Sorry?

Hot dog.

I don't know, sir.

Just tell me. I just want to get a massage while I eat my food.

I think it's possible.

Do you have a secret room there, like the back room, the champagne room?

No, we don't, sir.

Do you have champagne?

No.

Do you have water?

Yes, we do, sir.

Can we go to the water room?

We don't have that kind of room, sir.

They have a toilet.

What about the toilet?

No, sir.

You don't have a toilet there?

No, sir.

How do I go to the toilet if I'm there to wash my hands and make a toilet?

It's not the same floor, sir.

So what do you have to do when you go to the toilet?

How do you make a toilet there?

Sir, I would change to my manager, sir.

Just one piece, sir.

Why are you changing me to another manager?

Maybe I can't speak to you, sir.

Make toilet.

Go make toilet.

Okay, good.

This is going to go make a toilet.

Some losers sending in the Seville Trinity Wharf in New Zealand.

A guy answers like his name was Turd.

Oh, man.

His name is Turd.

We've got to call New Zealand, fucker.

All right, breaking news here, everybody.

We have a voicemail.

Let's see.

Let's play this.

Good afternoon.

My name is Ernie.

I'm calling you from Reno, Nevada.

Your telephone is being used for some really difficult calls.

I see you at one of my places of business just today, a few minutes ago, and it is almost

9 o'clock CST.

Good afternoon.

This is George speaking.

Yes, hello, George.

This is George.

George, listen.

I have an issue here.

I was speaking to the woman there, and she's refusing me service.

What can I do for you?

How do I make a toilet there?

Where do you make a toilet?

Yes.

I need to make a toilet there, and no one tells me where to go make a toilet.

Why?

I was in the restaurant, and I wanted to make a toilet when I come in.

When I come to the restaurant, listen, stupid.

I want to make a toilet inside in the restaurant when I come in.

I need to have the toilet so I can wash my hands and use the toilet before I eat.

And this people says they don't have a toilet there.

Is that true or no?

Well, listen, listen, listen.

I actually have right here a lie detector test.

I'm going to run it right now and see if there's a toilet there or not

Because this lady said there's no toilet there.

So you tell me, is she guilty or not guilty?

I apologize.

You're lying.

It says you don't apologize for real.

You're not apologetic.

Say it again.

Okay, I'll ask you.

Are you being sorry?

Are you sorry that the woman refused me service?

Yes or no?

I am definitely sorry for that, yeah.

No.

Can I?

No, you're lying.

You're lying.

I need your papers and your ID right now.

Where are you from?

You're not even Japanese.

Are you French?

Oh, God. Disgusting. Disgusting Swiss. Cowardly Swiss. People perverted.

Are you a pervert? Yes or no?

Is there anything I can do for you, sir?

Are you a pervert? Yes or no?

Is there anything I can do for you, sir?

Answer my question. Yes or no?

To the topic?

Yes.

You, I mean...

But they refused me toilet. They refused the toilet to me.

You call me a dickhead. Several, about a year ago, you called me a dickhead.

Well, I was there, I was planning on going there tonight, but there's no place to make a toilet, and you called me a bad word.

You called me bad words. You said bad words to me.

No, it says you're lying here, that you're done apologizing.

Sir, you're lying.

You're guilty.

That's it.

How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

Say it now.

You cowardly Swiss.

Sir, sir.

Swiss coward.

Say it.

Guilty or not guilty?

Say guilty or say not guilty now.

If you do this, I will leave you alone.

Say guilty or say not guilty.

Do it now.

And I will let this cut pass.

You can let this end.

Listen, listen.

Listen, Jose.

This can all end right now.

You can end it right now if you say guilty or not guilty.

I'm not going to answer.

an asshole this is being

anything we were the toilet is where do I make a toy mm-hmm is it clean you're

gonna clean the restroom for me yourself I want you to clean it no I want to see

you I want you one if you if you're so sorry if you're so apologizing

apologetic why don't you i want to see you come in and i want you to use clean the toilet yourself

and tell me i'm sorry that this happened i cleaned the toilet just for you we'll get one of those

japanese women to do it like right now no clean it to go clean the toilet no my name you have my

name i want you to hang up and clean the toilet right now for me please thank you i'm coming in

i want the toilet to be spotless when i come in bye-bye okay thank you for cleaning the toilet

and they would call me a dickhead i remember when he did i have it right here on tape matter

Matter of fact, let's listen to that.

Anyway, let's hear that voicemail again before we do that.

Good afternoon.

My name is Ernie.

I'm calling you from Reno, Nevada.

Your telephone is being used for some really big telephone calls.

I received one of my place of business just today, a few minutes ago,

and it is about almost 9 o'clock Pacific Standard Time.

Give me a call.

I'm calling using your phone to make disgusting calls.

Bye.

He's saying someone with a Spanish accent

is calling using your phone

to make disgusting calls.

I don't have a Spanish accent, you fuck!

Using your phone to make calling...

Let's see, let's go back.

You gotta love Google Voice,

so I can get to it.

Someone with a Spanish accent

is calling using your phone

to make disgusting calls.

Bye.

Someone with a Spanish accent

is calling using your phone

to make disgusting calls, he says.

I guess it was.

That was being Spanish.

Joshua in the house.

What's up, Joshua?

One of the apostles checking in.

It was an honor.

All right, I'm going to take a whiz.

I'm going to play this right back.

All right, sorry, I had to finish my piece of chicken.

I'm going to be back.

So as you can see, we've called that place in Japan quite a bit.

A few times now.

All right, we're going to give a call here to New Zealand.

That woman answers speaking very loudly, asking how she could help.

Well, we'll go down to that.

Welcome to Hotel Oakley.

Speaking with Christine.

First of all, first of all, you can lower your voice a little bit

because I don't like being yelled at on the phone when I haven't even talked to you

and you don't even know who I am.

What a little fucking cunt.

Welcome to Sydney.

Speaking with Christine, how may I help?

Apologize.

Apologize right now, please.

She doesn't want to play.

I'll get her later when she's calm.

Sri Intan Malaysian and Vietnamese Cuisine.

They're in New Zealand also.

I've got their phone number here.

I will put the phone number into my phone.

Thank you.

Season starting this weekend.

I'm sure Tuck's excited about that.

We never got to start that fantasy football league

we always talked about here.

Fucker.

Hello?

Who the hell is that?

Hello?

Who's the asshole who just tried to hang up the phone?

Hello?

Someone just tried to hang up the phone over there.

Who is this?

Well, did you just call this number?

Yes, I did.

As a matter of fact, I'm calling to make an order machine.

Who is this?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, because I was on the phone and it was an incoming call.

Okay.

And I was on the phone.

And who are you?

I'm calling from the Malaysian and Vietnamese administration.

Uh-huh.

In the United States of America.

Okay.

Well, can I help you?

What can I do for you?

We're listening to your conversation and you caught me with my pants down.

No, no, no.

Were you calling me just now?

No, I was.

I think there must be a cross line somewhere.

No, no, no.

Okay.

No, no, I was listening to your conversation on purpose.

I was monitoring the call because you were speaking a different, you know, you were doing something else,

and I was calling a snoop on you to get information about you.

What do you want to do that for?

Well, because you might be a threat.

Come on, don't give me that shit.

Well, that's what a New Zealand-ish Vietnamese person sounds like.

Call her back.

Be nice, Nuno.

That is one of our pranks about the car.

What does that call?

Hello.

Yes, hi.

Some woman over there said shit to me.

Who was that?

What is it that you want?

I wanted to make an order, but why do you put women on the phone to take orders and say bad words to men?

No, no, that was a cross line.

It's not misunderstood.

Can I help you?

Yes, I want an apology from her first.

I'm going to report you to Bob Morton and the news solver.

Oh, you wanted to buy something.

Yeah, but she made a bad word, so she needs to apologize first on the phone right now.

Hang on a minute.

Okay.

She's in trouble, cursing her out.

I'm looking for the call now, Piss Jug.

I want you to apologize right now for the bad words you said to me on the phone.

Okay, I'm sorry, okay?

What are you sorry?

Explain.

Okay, I'm really sorry.

Because?

Okay?

Because you're a bad person?

No, no, because it was just a misunderstanding.

Because I stopped a phone call.

I cut my phone short, pick up the incoming call.

Uh-huh.

And when I called your call, you said, oh, I'm listening to your conversation

and you might be a threat to blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, I thought this might be a scam, you know?

No, no, I was upset because you picked up the phone and you were very rude to me and mean.

And you said bad words.

But I said hello and there was no answer.

And when you came on and you were talking, talking, talking, I said, who is this?

You know?

It's just a misunderstanding.

Okay, so you're sorry then?

Are you in trouble with your husband?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

You're in trouble with your husband?

No.

Is he going to hurt you?

That's nothing to do with, this is out of the whole thing, all right?

I apologize, that's what you wanted, okay?

Now put him back so I can do the order.

He's going to take my order.

Put him back.

Yeah, I'll ask my husband to take your order, okay?

Thank you, okay.

Here I am.

Listen, don't you dare do anything to that woman.

Did you hit her because of what she did?

No, no, no, no.

Don't you do?

She was on the line with someone else talking Cantonese.

Uh-huh.

And then an incoming call, she phone call with there, got your call.

But in the meantime, you must have heard conversation in Chinese.

And therefore, you assume that some cross line, somebody, you know.

And from there, the misunderstanding grew and grew and got worse.

But did you yell at her right now in Cantonese?

Yeah, I gave her a piece of my mind.

Why though?

Why are you so mean to her?

You know, bad PR, bad PR.

Bad woman.

No, no, but bad PR.

Oh, a bad peel.

Unintended.

Yeah.

Is she good in the bed?

Nah, don't talk like that, please.

No, I like her.

Does she taste good?

Like strawberries?

Okay.

What is it that you...

Do you want to make a serious order or do you just want to talk with me?

Hey, asshole.

Listen, go take my order, please.

Okay.

I want one chicken Thai Mien.

Eh?

Chicken Thai Mien.

Chicken curry noodle.

Yeah.

S9 and?

Uh-huh, and you have Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi there?

Eh?

You have Diet Coke or Diet...

S9 and chicken?

Huh?

Anything else?

Oh, no, I think that's it.

Chicken, uh, chicken noodle, S9, huh?

Yeah, ni hao ma.

Oh, good, good.

Uh-huh.

And may I have your number, please?

It's, uh, 407-

47-

459-

4534.

453-

459-

4534.

Your name, please?

This is Valente.

Eh?

Valente.

Valente, okay.

And you do delivery?

No, we don't deliver.

You come and collect 20 minutes?

Well, no, I'm in Washington, D.C., the United States right now.

Oh, fuck you, man.

You're playing the fool again.

Yeah, pretty much.

This time it's my turn.

Don't do all these things.

This time you're an asshole, aren't you?

That's what you get.

That's what you get for yelling at your wife.

That was good.

He gave it to his wife.

She was all like, okay, okay.

They're very subservient.

Wouldn't it be hot to have a girl like that, you know?

Nice Chinese girl.

She gets out of line.

You tell her a few things.

She's like, okay, all right.

He's probably bowing her head.

head. She's probably sweeping the floor right now, all happy, smiling on her face. She's

like, I gave her a piece of my mind. All right, that was cool. Let's call the guy whose name

sounded like turd. We're from Taronga. Taronga, New Zealand. Good afternoon, reception. But

actually, we're going to play this first for Piss Jug. Yes, hi. I was calling interested

in that deal on the tires. Apparently, if I come in and you guys have a deal on tires

if I spend the night. On tires? I was just listening right now. I was on hold and it

It said to come in and you get free tires.

No, it's a radio ad.

Yeah, I know.

It said that I was the number three caller, so I accept it.

That's fine.

So we're a hotel.

Okay, yeah, but it said there was this thing while you're on hold

would have been a local radio station with an ad.

All I know is that I was on hold and it said,

you're the third caller, you win free set of tires from Think Pink Tires or something.

Okay, well, when you put on hold, what you're listening to is a radio station.

Yeah, it said that I won.

Yes, but not with us.

Well, who?

Didn't you say Pink Radio?

I don't know.

I didn't have a chance to copy it down.

It was on the radio.

I don't know.

Could you please connect me?

No, I can't.

I don't know.

Your system told me that I won free tires for calling in, being the third person to call in.

So I'm calling to have a like my tires, please.

Look, I'm sorry.

Sorry, what you're listening to is a radio station.

And it said I was the third caller, and I got a free set of tires for my car machine.

So I think...

Yes, and that's on...

But are you denying that the telephone told me this?

Because the telephone just talked to me and said I was a winner.

Sorry, who's speaking?

This is Valente.

I'm from Chicago, Illinois.

Okay, just a moment.

I'll pop you through to our general manager.

It won't be a moment.

Get popping.

Hey, buddy, I just heard an offer when I was on hold that said I was the third caller

that I won some kind of prize, and this woman is refusing to give me the prize money.

I was just on hold, and the phone told me that I was the third caller and I won a prize,

and I'm wanting to claim the prize before I, you know, check in,

and she's refusing to, you know, accept my order.

The pit on the thing is the radio program.

Well, whatever it was, your phone told me that I had a prize to claim,

So I'm claiming the prize.

Whatever it is, I would like it.

Well, as I said to you, the thing you heard is a radio program.

And the thing it told me was that I got a free set of tires.

Yeah, so you have to be by the radio station.

Well, I'm calling it now to accept it in the hotel.

I called the hotel to make a reservation for spaces,

and you people told me that I was going to get free tires,

and now you're refusing it.

I don't think that's fair.

No, it's a radio program that told you.

Then maybe you shouldn't have the radio program on there

if they're going to lie, if you people lie.

What can I do for you?

I want my tires.

We didn't offer a prize.

No, wait a minute now.

Are you calling and saying that I didn't get here on the phone now when I was on hold that I won a prize?

I don't know what you heard.

As I said, the program we have on the telephone, background and basically waiting music,

which is directly tuned in to a radio station.

So whatever comes on is actually what the radio station has to offer.

Can you roll the tape?

Pull the tape. You'll hear what it said.

I know you folks monitor your calls.

Pull the tape, and then you'll see what I mean.

No, we don't. It's not a tape.

Who was talking to me on the phone that said, I want a prize?

That's who I need to talk to right now.

He's obviously the person who's in charge there.

I don't know who you are.

That's the radio station.

I don't need to find out which radio station it is.

Are you the janitor?

Who's the manager there?

You talk to him.

You don't sound like much of a manager to me.

You're refusing service.

Sorry, sir.

I mean, we can go around the bend on this one for hours.

No, we're not refusing service.

I can come and get my tires in about ten minutes.

Well, we don't have any tires for you here.

Do you have a car?

It's a radio station.

Do you have a car?

Sir, please.

Give me your tires.

I think this conversation doesn't take us anywhere.

You're going to give me your four tires, God damn it, or I'm going to sue you?

I mean, you must be American.

Either you're going to give me your tires nice and peacefully, or I'm going to take them by force.

That's the bottom line.

So what's it going to be?

Well, you can try to take my tires, but it doesn't really make much of a difference.

I mean, as I said, it's a radio program you listen to.

Well, I don't know.

The man on the phone said, hey, congratulations, you get the third call,

you get a free set of tires, hold the line, and they will give you your tires in a second.

And the woman said, she said,

Exactly what she sounded like.

Calling the WARF in New Zealand.

Lieutenant Commander WARF.

What was that?

Yes, sir, I'd like to make an order machine, please.

A what, sir?

Order machine, please.

Order machine?

Yes, I'm calling from the United States Embassy.

Give me your hand one second.

Sorry, what was it you were needing?

Order machine.

I called there earlier.

A guy answered, sounded like he said his name was Turd, 11.50 p.m.

11.50?

Well, it was about 30 minutes ago, so I'm calling from somewhere else.

All right.

Did they ask you to ring back today?

The guy said he said a bad word on the phone.

What's your name?

Who's Turd?

We have no one by that name.

Some guy said his name was Turd.

No, no one here by that name.

Anybody with a name like that? Bird? Horde?

I want to talk to Turd.

There's no one with that name.

Can you ask to see if there's anybody there now whose name is Turd?

There's no one by that name at this hotel.

There are no customers there?

No one.

So what do you do there then?

Receptionist.

Receptionist?

Yes.

Are you female or male?

Male. Why?

Then you're a receptionist?

Yes.

Isn't that usually for women?

What would you like?

I want an order machine.

Do that here.

I have no clue what that is.

A reservation machine, computer reservation machine.

I can transfer you to the reservations if you like.

What do you do there, then?

Do you want to make a booking?

I need someone to come clean the toilet and give me some new towels.

Okay, sir.

I'm sorry about that, but...

Sorry for what?

Did you need anything?

I need a clean toilet and clean towels.

Are you staying in the hotel?

Well, I will be.

Can you deliver the clean toilet and clean towels?

Sorry, sir.

Is this a joke?

Because I...

No, I mean, I want to make reservations, but I want to make sure they have clean towels

and a clean toilet.

They do.

They will.

when you arrive.

I'm sorry, what?

What did you say?

Is there anything else you need?

No, what did you say?

That we'll be clean

and you'll have fresh towels

when you arrive to the hotel.

No, you said the ass word.

What did you say?

You said a bad word?

Huh?

No, sir.

I haven't said anything, sir.

I need to make a reservation, please.

Okay, I'll call you soon, now.

What's your name, Brian?

Yeah.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

Fuck you.

Music sucks.

That wasn't nice.

Thank you for calling

the hotel's resort.

Fuck you.

Your call may be recorded

to enable continual improvement in the services we provide.

Fuck you.

Thank you for calling the Lackawatt House Resort and Reservation.

Hello. God damn it.

Hi, my name is Gina. How may I assist you?

Regina, yes, I need to make an order for a reservation machine, please.

Yes, absolutely. And which property?

Listen, first of all, I was just talking to a man there,

and he was a receptionist, a male receptionist,

and he said that, he said ass, that the ass was going to be clean, he said to me.

And I want to make a complaint right now before I...

He said the ass was going to be clean.

That's what he told me, the man that I was talking to, the male nurse, the male reservationist that was there.

Okay.

Did he call up on this number and spoke to that man?

Yeah, I called the main receptionist.

I called the place, and the receptionist, he's a male receptionist, and he said the ass, that the ass was going to be clean, the ass.

He told me the ass.

He called me an ass with my ass and this and that.

I don't need that.

I don't need this thing.

I'm calling to make a computer reservation.

So you're wanting to make a reservation.

I'm happy to make the reservation for you.

Yeah, but am I going to have clean towels and a clean toilet?

Well, you will certainly have clean towels and clean toilets.

We will certainly organize that for you.

How many toilets?

How many towels?

Well, it depends on how many guests you will put into the room.

We do calculate that after how many people are in the room.

It's just going to be by myself.

I mean, I might bring a lady later.

Why do you keep talking, really?

Hello?

Why do you keep talking over me?

Would you like to speak to my manager, sorry?

What's the name, sorry?

Yeah, go put sorry on the phone.

I'm more than willing to help you out of here, but...

Well, put down a reservation, then.

What are we sitting here for?

But I need you to respond to what I'm saying as well.

Okay, I said I want towels, and you don't even answer my questions.

This is horrible service here.

I'm certainly trying to help you the best that I can.

So put down on your computer one reservation.

Okay, and which property would you like to stay at, sir?

At the wharf.

Which wharf?

Sorry, I have three properties in New Zealand.

No, this is the wharf, it says here.

It's called the wharf is what the people told me.

We go to the wharf, call this number, call the wharf, stay in the wharf.

Which property on the wharf?

I don't know.

I'm not from here.

I'm from the United States.

They just said I had to stay in the wharf.

Yeah, okay, but we have three properties.

Is this in Auckland or is it in Toronto?

It's in the wharf.

It says the wharf here.

Are you wanting to go to Auckland or are you wanting to go to Toronto?

New Zealand.

Yeah, both of those, those are two cities in New Zealand.

No, but I'm going to New Zealand.

This place is called New Zealand.

I think I'm flying there.

I'm not going to Tarango or whatever.

It's New Zealand, it says here.

Yeah, but New Zealand is a country,

and we have two cities in there where we have properties on the walls.

It's a country?

One is in Tonga and one is in Auckland.

It's a country?

Yes, it is.

Get the fuck out of here.

What?

They speak English?

No, but New Zealand is a country.

Really?

Yes, they do.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh, yeah?

What's your GDP like?

All right.

What is the GDP?

The gross domestic product.

I'm not too sure, sir.

Can you find out for me?

Unfortunately, I only do reservations.

Oh, God.

Just transfer me to the concierge at the wharf, please.

Which hotel?

Sorry, sir.

The wharf.

Yeah, which hotel?

I have three properties down at the wharf.

One is in Toronto.

Two of them is in Auckland.

Give me the first one.

Not the one in Australia.

No, I don't need the one in Auckland.

What?

In Auckland, which is the...

No, I don't need to stay in Ireland.

I'm not going to Ireland. I'm going to New Zealand. That's the first one.

And where's Tarango at?

Tarango is down south in Auckland. Oh, sorry, in New Zealand.

No, I'm not going to Auckland. I'm not going to California.

You're not going to Auckland?

No.

Would you like to make a reservation, sir? Sorry.

Well, I need to speak to the concierge, please.

Well, I'm the one that makes reservations, so you need to speak to me.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. I need to speak to the concierge before I do this.

And what do you have to ask the concierge?

The GDP of New Zealand.

You can Google the GDP in New Zealand.

What do you mean I can Google?

Where are you that I can't?

Are you telling me what I can and can't do?

I want to talk to the concierge.

It's my right.

I'm staying there.

I'm a guest.

I have the right to speak to the concierge.

Who do you think you are?

What do you do?

Why don't you Google it for me then?

You're so lazy.

I'm sorry.

I'm not here to Google anything for you, sir.

I'm here to make a reservation for you.

I'm happy to help you with doing that.

Give me your GDP right now.

Sorry, sir.

I'm not here to find out the GDP for you.

Okay.

Okay, well, then transfer me to the concierge.

So transfer me to the stupid concierge already, the stupid idiot over there.

He's probably eating graham crackers and drooling on himself.

Put him on.

Sorry, sir, I'm not actually a switchboard eater, so you would have to call through to the hotel.

Well, you're answering the phone, aren't you?

Are you answering the phone?

Well, I am doing the reservation, so if you want to speak to the concierge,

you can call the number again and then try to speak to the concierge instead.

No, this is my last quarter.

I don't have any more money to put in the phone machine.

Sorry, but I'm not a switchboard, so I can't transfer you, sir.

All right, so how about I give you the reservation, and then you transfer me.

Will you do that?

Okay, so which hotel would you like to stay at?

At the Wharf in Tarango.

Is there a concierge there?

The Wharf in Tarango.

Is there a concierge there?

We do have concierges at these two hotels.

Okay, good.

Yes, put them on then.

Put them on.

Put me down for that place.

But you're going to transfer me to the concierge, right, before we're done?

No, I'm going to make, yeah, I'm happy to make the reservation for you.

Yeah?

Otherwise, you can call the hotel itself.

No, no, you'll transfer me to the concierge when we're done with the reservation, and that's it.

You do what I say.

I'm the customer.

You do what I say right now, and I'm a man.

You hear me?

Respect.

Sorry, sir, are you being sexist to me?

No, you respect me, woman.

I'm a man.

I'll give you a nice spanking.

You listen here.

Just give me one moment.

You're going to take this order, you're going to transfer my call, like I said.

That would be trouble.

Sorry, sir.

If you say stuff like that, it's not acceptable here.

No more lip out of you, little missy.

Sorry, sir.

Would you like me to transfer you through to my supervisor?

What's the suit?

Is it a man?

No, it's not a man.

Ugh.

Is there a man that I can talk to?

Sorry, sir.

Are there any men working there?

Yeah, bear me one moment.

Yeah, it is.

Just bear me one moment.

It better be.

It better be a man.

One pill a moment, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

One pill a moment.

Hurry up already.

Do it.

Jesus.

Good afternoon, my name is Steven. How can I assist you?

I specifically said I wanted to speak to a man.

That's right, I'm a man, if you want to speak to me.

Excuse me?

How can I help you today?

What's with your voice?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Can you please...

What's with my voice?

That sounds a little effeminate. Can you please transmit over to the concierge?

At the actual hotel?

Well, of course, you twit. Yes. No, the concierge at the call center.

Do you have a concierge there where you work?

You do not have to take that kind of tone.

I will put you through to the hotel directly,

but I do require which hotel you need to be transferred to.

The Wharf.

Siebel Swinton.

Auckland?

I don't want to go to Auckland.

I'm going to New Zealand, sir.

New Zealand is the country.

Now, which city would you like to go to is the question, I suppose.

The Wharf.

I'm not going to Auckland.

I'm going to New Zealand.

I need the Wharf in New Zealand.

Is that the Siebel Trinity Wharf Hotel?

Yes, that's the one for the 50th.

And why wouldn't that woman transfer my call to the concierge before?

I don't know.

Maybe she was trying to work out which hotel it was.

Maybe she was trying to get my money from me like every other woman.

Go ahead and put me through to the right people, please.

Do it now.

Okay, just one moment.

This is like the longest lasting call we've done in a while.

Just transfer it back and forth.

You know what's a bra size.

Good idea.

Take your pants off.

Why is MSC3 Clay using...

Is MSC3 Clay not a cursor?

He censored himself in the chat room.

I call myself these fucks.

Alright, we'll call him back.

This is getting way too...

We gotta call some UK shits for New Year.

Too many fucks.

Jesus Christ is the word.

I guess so.

Hey Wanker, how you doing Brad?

I had to hang up on those other people and call back

Can I speak to the concierge please?

up the phone already i am falling asleep actually i'm getting tired

um got a few new numbers in new zealand i did want to call this uh some england numbers here

for new new we're gonna call betty give her a call see how the old gal's doing who's that

yeah betty who's that she's on bbc2 this is bob morton from bbc2 tell me now what is your gdp

and your bra size i would like to know this please get off the phone shut up stupid woman

be mean to them now out of this bullshit i'm gonna call them all i don't care gonna go through

this whole list, Lonesome Loser.

Don't worry about it, man.

I'm going to get them all.

We've got quite a few of them here.

Janetta, give her a call.

What are you doing?

This is Porter.

Porter, of course she can.

Yes, speak to Coleman, please.

Who is that calling?

This is Valente.

May I speak with Coleman, please?

It's 6 o'clock in the morning.

Uh-huh.

I don't appreciate calls at that time in the morning.

It's 11 o'clock at night over here where I am.

Well, it isn't here.

Where are you?

So just put your phone down and do not ring again.

Listen, listen, woman, to me right now, what I'm telling you to do.

Don't you call me woman.

Listen, woman, you'd listen to me right now, and you'd be a good little woman there, and you'd answer my questions, you understand?

Listen, Hussie, what is your bra size and your GDP? Tell me this now.

I will not.

What's your bra size?

Let's call it out.

Well, she will not.

She will not.

I will not.

Yes, I. Love? Low? Is low?

Lo?

Yes, yes.

Hey, Big Lo, how you doing?

Fine.

Good.

I'm sorry if I woke you up.

I need your GDP and your bra size right now.

Pardon?

I need to know what your bra size is, please.

Why?

Because I'm curious of what your bra size is, how big your breasts are.

Sorry.

Are they B, C, what do you like?

D.

D?

Double or single D?

D.

What's the number?

36.

That's pretty nice.

You got a nice little waist on you?

Sorry, but I'm not going to answer anymore.

But you got nice titties, though, right?

The 36D?

That's nice.

As you told me.

Okay, cool.

Who says no?

GDP, then bra size.

Oops, sorry.

I fucked it up.

My bad.

Howard, Manchester.

Home of the nicest people in the world.

They were so nice to us.

Let's see if we get cursed out like usual here.

Hello, how are you?

Here's a weaver.

What do you want?

I need to know your wife's bra size, please.

I said I'd ask for the GDP first.

My bad.

No, no.

I got one left.

That guy just pissed off like an asshole.

What do you call him, GDP?

GDP, he was still on the line.

Fuck, I could have kept talking to him.

I actually got a bra size.

A good one at that, right?

36D, it's not bad.

Nice big floppers.

Looks like you like him, Tuck.

I know, I like him like that, too.

Nice big floppers.

That won't do it.

That's it.

That's how we open.

What's up, buddy?

Thank you.

They got it down properly.

5-7, what's your status?

Over.

This call is two cents per minute.

Yes, I have 6-4-9-4.

Is this...

Yes, sir.

6494, come in.

What's your copy?

1020, over.

Yes, I...

6494, what copy?

Your 1020, over.

This is...

Okay, good, good.

I need to know the GDP, please.

The GDP?

What's that?

The gross domestic product.

I don't know what you're going on about.

I need the GDP of the United Kingdom, please.

GDP?

I have a paper due tomorrow morning in class, and I need to know where the GDP is in England,

and I can't find it on Google, so I thought I'd give you a call and ask.

I don't know where it is myself.

Do you have any ideas of, like, a few billion, or...

Is it in pounds or dollars, you think?

Five pounds.

What can I put down?

I'll put you down as a source.

I don't know.

What do you think?

Five pounds?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cheap.

I don't know what it is, though.

What's your bra size?

My bra size?

You got D's?

Five pounds tall.

You got big floppers?

Small.

No?

Yeah.

Can you bring back legs?

Where are you going?

Where do you work at?

Do you do milk?

Do you know what that is?

Does that go bowling?

Like ice cream?

All right, floppers.

Hello?

This is Valente.

Valente, how are you doing?

I don't know what you said.

Mrs. Valente, my name is Valente.

You have a name?

You hit me, Valente.

Okay.

I'll try calling her back.

You did sound hot-pissed, Chuck.

Good point.

Welcome.

Yo, Crow.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

I need to know what the gross domestic product, the GDP, is, please.

Paper due tomorrow morning.

I need to know what the GDP of the UK is, please.

I'm calling from the United States.

I'm a college student.

I have a paper due tomorrow.

When did you get that call?

What time is it over there?

It's 6 o'clock in the morning.

Some asshole calls you.

Can't find out.

Those are GDP.

Like, fuck you.

Trying to sleep.

It's 6 o'clock.

I'm going to be sleeping as well.

Fuck.

I think we're out of numbers.

Yeah, I really like that 649 phone call.

It's a good one.

Good afternoon.

Did you call my fucking broad?

Your broad?

Yeah, I called her.

Yeah, it's fucking...

As to her bra size.

Snaggletooth fucking British broad.

What's going on, recluse?

I was about to cut the show off.

Why'd you show up so late, man?

I was in the chat room the whole time.

Oh, you are?

I didn't know.

Huh, fuck that.

I'm Vala.

Oh, yeah, you're Vala.

That's my cousin.

He'll be an asshole.

I know who Vala is.

That's...

I got some numbers in New Zealand.

You been listening to the show tonight, you said?

What do you think?

Not bad, not bad.

Yeah, I got some good ones in there.

That one with...

Man, you got some broads.

I'll tell you what, them broads, you can wake them up at 5 a.m.

They're calling you broad-sized.

We need to go over there.

Yeah, I know, really.

That's ridiculous.

Fucking great country.

I mean, yeah, I know.

It's like, even the one that was pissed off at you, right?

Right.

She still gives you, I was like, god damn, them broads are the one to fuck or something.

Yeah, that last one, that last one was pretty hot, too, the one she's going to work.

She's not kind of cute.

Dude, send me her number.

I'm just going to call her.

You're just going to call her?

I'm just going to call and say, hey, what's up, girl?

I called you the other day, and, yeah, what's up?

Yeah, you ever get with that?

Where are they at, New Zealand?

No, these are in England.

We're doing now.

Oh, that's close.

So, yeah, New Zealand's the fucking other side of the world, right?

Yeah, it's the fucking, like, the Pacific and shit, like, you know, out there.

I got a restaurant out there.

What the fuck are you going to do over there?

I don't know.

I got two numbers left.

I got a restaurant out there.

You want to give them a call?

Yeah, what time is it?

Over there.

Good question.

I don't know.

I know it's tomorrow afternoon.

I think it's like 2 p.m. tomorrow right now.

Huh.

As a matter of fact, that is what it is.

Oh, about 12 hours?

Yeah.

They got a Thai restaurant.

How shit were you, man?

You going back to L.A. anytime soon?

I heard they got fires over there and shit.

Yeah, I ain't going up to that fucking shit.

No way.

No, I've just been working, dude.

I've been making, like, tons of fucking hip-hop.

Like, you got to send it to me.

It's, like, crazy-ass, like, and real sinister shit.

But it's not like the gay-ass 808 bullshit.

I can't stand that stuff.

Bass shit.

But it's, like, more club tracks.

It's fucking some good shit, though.

Okay.

But, yeah, that's about it.

That and fucking, I don't know.

I just do what I usually do.

You hear, Reckless, you hear KDK has cancer?

Oh, no.

No, I used serious.

Yeah, that's what he said, at least.

I don't know if we got confirmation on that, but that's what we heard.

Oh, that's fucking sad.

Yeah, that's pretty sad.

Oh, okay.

What the hell?

That guy's got a curse on him or something.

He's got something.

Even his whole face is cursed.

I mean, serious, dude.

That's really bad.

He's got, like, this curse, like this fucking life curse on him.

I don't know what it is.

That's real bad, though, to be honest.

All right, well, let's call this, I'm going to call the Thai restaurant.

You ready?

Thai restaurant in New Zealand.

Two things I know nothing about.

Yeah, let's give it a call.

All right.

And there's also the Dockside Restaurant.

We can do that next.

And the Wharf also.

Every time there's called Wharf.

Queen's Wharf, Papa Wharf, Tarungi Wharf.

I don't know.

Whatever, man.

This is Star Trek shit.

Doing that shit again where a recluse can't be on the line.

This is letting me conference him in.

Hello, is this the Wharf place?

You guys in the Wharf?

No.

Hey, yeah, is this the Thai restaurant?

No, no, I think you've got the wrong number.

Hey, tell those people to shut up in the back.

Excuse me?

Tell those people.

Those are my kids.

Well, tell them to shut up.

Don't mind. This is a private residence. All right.

Tell them to shut up. The grown-ups are talking. What's your problem?

Returning to main menu. You have no new messages.

Look at you. The grown-ups are talking. Shut the fuck up.

Talked like I mentioned in a meeting at work today about the, they said,

please be careful that you don't curse out customers and you don't make fun of customers

and say things when you have them on mute because you never know.

Now, there have been some instances where we've had people lately

who thought they had the customer on mute, and they didn't.

You know the one?

Oh, man.

Yeah.

I said, just don't do it at all.

Don't curse.

Don't put your customer on mute.

Don't put them on hold and curse them out.

You curse them out when you get out of work or when you're off a call.

That was funny, though.

The story is I got a customer calling in, this southern lady.

She was like, her internet and shit was down.

And she was like, I need to get this fixed now.

And I thought I had her on mute.

And I went, and I looked at the phone and it was off of mute because I heard my echo in the headset.

And it got real quiet and awkward.

I said, okay, is there anything else I can help you with?

She's like, no.

And then she told my boss.

I didn't get in trouble though.

That was funny.

But I still want to get a copy of that.

Still want to get a copy of that so bad.

He said no.

He said, no, no.

Sorry, I can't do that.

All right.

Yeah, Reckless, I don't know what it is with your line,

but it does that shit where it doesn't let you.

I think it's...

I don't know where he calls from.

It comes from his pay phone.

Well, cell phone.

Cell phone, it says.

Hey, Reckless.

Yeah, what happened?

I don't know what it is.

Every time I try to conference you on this line that you call from sometimes,

it never lets me do it.

It drops it as soon as I click over.

Oh, fuck.

But this is a cell phone, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Is it like a prepaid, or what is it?

No, prepaid.

What do you think I am, some fucking deadbeat?

I don't know.

You got like a burner phone?

You got 7-Eleven?

You got the minutes?

I got a pirate phone.

Pirate phone.

I can call Somalians on it.

Yeah, here I am.

Well, it ain't going to work.

I only got one number left.

I'm going to do it real quick and head out, though.

Well, next week, we're going to do a normal show like in the old days, man.

What were you doing today?

I just came out to do pranks.

I ended up talking some shit at the same time.

But I'm going to go back.

In fact, I think I should have the website built up and uploaded again by this weekend.

Hopefully, the podcast will be back up.

That's cool, man.

Well, fuck, yeah.

Fuck.

All right, Rack.

Take it easy, man.

I'm going to let you go.

Are we doing another call, or what are you doing?

Well, that's the whole thing.

I can't connect to any calls.

You got another phone number you can call from?

Yeah.

Let me call the same number.

Yeah, call the same number, yeah.

All right, let me do it real quick.

All right, cool.

All right, bye.

I got Racklet to do one.

I don't know.

Honestly, we figured it out once.

Once it's like, it just, and wait for a recluse to call.

We'll do the last call tonight.

Hang on to bed.

Make a shit in the toilet.

Ellen Matthews is a name.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Let me get you pasted here.

I don't see you.

Who are you?

Are you in the chat room as RR?

Is that you or is that someone else?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not.

I'm up in stairs smoking a vaporizer, though.

Vaporizer?

You got weed in the vaporizer?

How's it work?

Oh, fuck yeah.

This thing is the best investment I could ever make.

it's like it pretty much like it's three times as powerful you don't smoke at all

and it's just it's fucking amazing does it do you get the smell on you still like from smoking or

no it really doesn't have that much of a smell oh shit i mean i'm smoking it right in my office here

in the main lobby of the studio and it's fucking you can't smell shit dude it's it's wonderful

so you how much does it cost how much does a vaporizer cost you this one i bought i wanted

to try one out so i bought it was like 160 okay 160 really but it wasn't bad i mean shit it's

kind of weird you have to this is one of those you have to heat up and you have like a hookah

thing that's weird so you don't light it at all just heat it up or no it heats up to a specific

temperature and then like then it just vaporized and the the weed is still on there that's a crazy

thing but it's brown like it doesn't burn anything that's kind of weird like it just takes all the

the green off of it and the brown and then you could smoke the brown afterwards too like it it

it's kind of like that bullshit weed the bullshit as high as you get but it's nice to have you can

make joints out of it or something you know okay oh that legal weed you can get online and all that

that whatever i know what you're talking about okay herbal the herbal weed or whatever yeah

all right yeah that's exactly that's what we're talking about did you ever try that savier that

sativa that shit man i have a weird story about that shit dude man do you think you're

Did you think you were a ninja turtle?

That's what my friend did.

What'd he do?

He thought it was a ninja turtle, and he jumped off the top of a flight of stairs and broke his arm.

I mean, that stuff is pretty insane.

I wouldn't do it again.

It's just, to me, it's not that pleasant.

I saw the fucking screen bubble up.

Oh.

Like, because I did it, you know, and you wait, and you have to hold it in for a long while, and then you exhale.

And then it's, like, for, like, 60 seconds.

Fucking nuts, dude.

It's, like, I was making, like, beats or something, and the fucking screen kind of bubbled.

Like, and I started hearing this whirring noise.

Fuck that.

It was like a fucking whippet, dude.

It was crazy, dude.

I was like, I wouldn't...

And then you feel really fucked up for the next six hours.

It's like you feel this dull feeling.

I really did not like it at all.

I thought it was shitty.

Yeah, this shit's legal, though.

In Orlando, it's still legal.

I don't know.

You can still buy it in the hedge shops, apparently, for now.

Oh, yeah.

I don't...

I mean, that...

If there's anything that should be illegal, it should be that shit.

Yeah, right?

It should legalize weed.

Yeah, I mean, the greens, man.

I mean, that...

Fuck, man.

God.

That doesn't make you do that.

You can't even...

I mean, I wouldn't even drive on that salvia.

Hey, what's hash?

Anyway, is hash made from weed, or is it something totally different?

No, it's like, I mean, I'm not a real expert on that, but I think it's like opium.

Oh, really?

It's like kind of opium or some shit.

It's kind of like, yeah, it's good shit, though.

No, hash is just condensed pot plants.

What am I talking about?

I'm trying to think.

What is it?

Yeah, hash.

Oh, Tuck says it's condensed pot plants, condensed marijuana.

I guess that makes sense.

Oh, that's right.

Right, yeah, it's like people make it by, like, using resin or something.

Resin, and you compress it, and it makes, like, a brick, isn't that what it is or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And that stuff's pretty, I mean, I've had it a couple times.

It's fucked me up.

Yeah, yeah.

I think once, a long time ago, I couldn't find weed, and I was still smoking, and my

friend was like, hey, try some hash, it's weed.

Like, are you sure?

Like, I don't know, it tasted kind of funky.

Like, smoking, it was kind of funky.

Of course, yeah, I mean, because that's, like, condensed down bullshit, you know.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

All right, let's do, like, one or two more, and I really got to go.

All right, let's do it.

Yeah, we're going to tell them the restaurant there in New Zealand.

I ain't bad.

New Zealand is cheaper than Hawaii.

Hey, man, how's it going, man?

I'm a tourist.

I'm from, like, the USA, man.

I'm trying to get down to your place, man.

I talked to a couple cats, and they said it was pretty happy.

These guys had some good meals.

Yeah.

I'm over off the beach over the south part of town, and I'm kind of lost.

So could you give me directions from there, man?

What street are you guys on?

We're actually on Wolf.

I'm sorry.

What did you say, man?

Wolf?

Queens Wolf.

Queen Wolf?

Teen Wolf?

Queens.

Like queens, like drag queens?

Yeah.

Okay, cool, man.

Well, like, if I get a cab, I tell them Queens Walk Wolf.

Listen, man, can you call a cab for me, man?

I don't know the number.

I'm trying to overwrite you guys.

We found these two cabs.

So we're kind of out of it, but we got good money.

We're not hippies, man.

We just like to have a good time, you know, hefty smokes and all, man.

So could you call a cab for us, man?

There's like about three of us.

Probably fit in a regular cab.

I'm about, I'm down here like by this, I guess what you guys call a post office,

like right down by here.

I don't even know how we got here, man.

They send letters and stuff, you know what I mean?

It's not Kinko's.

it's like a post office man that's what these guys maybe i can't really hold on a second

shit what yeah i mean that's not an address man what's the number give me the number

shit three shed three h e d you guys shed yeah isn't it well how small is your restaurant man

right well man because like over in the u.s man we had a shed and that's pretty much where you

You put your tools and stuff, man.

It's like a small thing, man.

It's like you can only fit, like, two people in there, man.

So, okay, we're down by the, we can go down by the beach here.

Hello?

I kept asking if they had clean toilets and towels.

Pissed off.

Good afternoon.

This is Oshunichi Wastaronga speaking.

Hey, man.

I'm trying to get to your place there, man, but I'm kind of lost.

I'm, like, trying to take, like, the blue, like, the tram, man.

It's like basically I'm down by the reserve.

It's called Where Pie Reserve or something, man.

Are you guys close to there?

Yeah, we're really close to the reserve.

Oh, nice, man.

Have you ever been to the reserve?

Pretty nice place down there.

Yeah, we're right next to it.

Okay, cool.

Can you send me a cab?

Returning to main menu.

You have no new number.

To place a call, press 2 for Goose 411.

She knows it's like you're ruining it.

Or to change your settings, press 4.

What?

She knew it was American.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound fee.

For international numbers, please enter 011 plus the country code and number.

Stop.

I just want to pick up.

This is not a valid number.

Oh, come on.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize you.

All right, fuck it.

You have no new messages.

I'm going to sleep.

Ready to go?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to head out, man.

Thanks for calling in.

All right, man.

I'm going to have a little bit of fun.

I've got a dude earlier next week.

I'm going to start doing shows at 9 o'clock, I think, on Thursdays.

It's been like 9 Eastern, so what's that, like 8-year time?

What time is it over there now, 1220?

What are you talking about?

It's fucking, it's like 122 a.m.

You don't even know what time it is.

Oh, really?

Are you Eastern Standard Time and shit?

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, it's 122 here.

Oh, okay.

You're in the same time zone.

I didn't know that.

Anyway, I got to get going, man.

I'm going to go to bed.

I got to work tomorrow.

See you, bro.

All right, later.

Thanks for calling.

That's Reclude.

Fucks.

That's Reclude, everybody.

but thanks lonesome loser thanks everyone who's listening i gotta try to put this shit up on the

podcast this weekend maybe saturday night probably still going to be just prank calls for a while

folks i'm sorry well it's a little updated i'm in the mood to hear this one this is a new year

prank call that we did here you probably have heard it before if not then enjoy it uh it's

called in my own speakerphone from unknown caller the valentine this is valence to an ad that we

placed on my number an interview for tomorrow between the hours of one and six to the

receptionist thank you have a nice day oh that guy sounds interesting let's listen to

If you're returning this call, press 2.

Hi, let me help you.

Hey, Big Vanessa, I need to speak to Alan.

He just called asking for me, and I'm returning his call.

This is Valente.

And your name?

This is Valente.

What's your name?

Valente.

Peace.

Yeah, what's going on over there, sir?

How do you say there, buddy?

All right, good.

Hey, am I on speakerphone?

Was that before?

Yes.

What, you have a problem with that?

Well, I think usually we ask for permission before we put people on speakerphone.

Isn't that right, Mr. Alan?

That's right.

Okay, and are you looking for a job?

Yes, I am.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay.

You know what, asshole?

Returning to main menu.

There we go.

That was called whatever it is.

That prank call and all of our prank calls,

I don't know if you knew, but they're on the forums.

You got to go to madhouselive.com, click on the forums button,

and right there you see there's a top prank call section

and a prank call vault of all the prank calls there

that are fit to be published.

The top ones, though, are the creme de la creme.

Right.

Hollywood's showing up late.

Just in time for the end of the show.

Good work, Hollywood.

I'm pranked out.

I'm too tired.

I've got to be at work.

I've got to get up at 6 a.m. and it's 1.25 here at my time zone, man.

It's over.

All right, everybody, thanks again for listening.

Thanks again to Lonesome Loser.

I did not call Milkman.

I feel bad.

Well, we'll be back to about, I think, 78% next week.

And the week after that, a high 80s to low 90 percentile.

And after that, we'll be back to 100% as the current state of the madhouse.

house everyone be sure to visit tuck's website that's at uh what is it tuck give it out please

please tuckermike.com is it tuckermike.com i think it is tuckermike.com have a good weekend

everybody catch you next week thank you bye

Calls (28, 1 h 25 min of 2 h)

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