Oh God Bill
10 Sep 2009 · 36 min · 4,184 words · source
Calls (6, 29 min of 36 min)
- Pablo's Restaurant asking about spaces live 12.1 min clip ↓
- Coffee shop valet car missing live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Burgermaster valet car theft complaint live 5.6 min clip ↓
- Card game dealer error dispute live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Lawyer demands manager and security access live 3.6 min clip ↓
- Caller demands apology from effeminate employee live 2.9 min clip ↓
Transcript
Motherfucker, who is this?
Motherfucker, who is this?
You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.
The motherfuckers.
I got some numbers from Lutz and Losey here to do some prank calls quickly.
September 10th, Thursday, and it's 10, 13 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
Thank you, everybody who's listening.
I will do some prank calls tonight, and we will go from there.
If you can send me a request, if you have any, on AOL on Yahoo,
Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio is my screen name there.
And you can also hit me up via Twitter.
My Twitter name is twitter.com slash madhouse.
Congratulations to me, right?
Prank call's coming right up.
Stand by.
Can I help you?
Yeah, Mexican.
I'm going to speak to that Mexican people, huh?
Sorry?
I'm going to speak to that Mexican people, huh?
Hello?
You taking orders?
I'm going to speak to that Mexican people.
Hello?
God damn it.
Hello?
Listen.
Speak to that Mexican people.
Put them on.
Hey.
Speaking to that Mexican people.
God damn it.
Hello?
You're crazy.
there yeah you know you got some spaces down there how many spaces you got available spaces for what
well use you know putting stuff into spaces you don't have any spaces there you got to pay or what
is there free spaces or pay spaces spaces for what come down in my car he's parking the spaces
you know what i mean by spaces you know you got ring on your finger you like ice cream well you
like eat no who is this well you like drink you like make number two in the morning or the night
night. What is it, Batch, for you? I understand what's going, what's the big deal over there?
Who is this for you? This is Valente, what's up? This is Valente, what's up? How much is
your spaces? Spaces. How much is your spaces? No, your spaces. How much is the spaces? How
much is our spaces? Yeah, how much is your spaces? What spaces? You come down, you order
spaces, how much are they? They come down for some, come down for some food, but how
much is the spaces? You come down here for some food, how much, like parking spaces?
No, no, no, just spaces. You know, you gotta have spaces when you come down to get the
the food. How much are they? You have to have spaces when you come down here to get our food.
I'm sorry, but you don't have to have spaces. I understand. How do you serve it then?
How do we serve the food on plates? What does that mean? It's spaces.
How much are the spaces? Well, how much are the plates? Spaces. Explain to me what a
space is? Nature abhors a vacuum and will fill in the
spaces when there is existing spaces when you come down. Alright, explain it to me
one more time. Nature abhors a vacuum and then when you come down, you're supposed
supposed to have spaces. It's supposed to have spaces. When you vacuum and it comes
down, you have to have spaces. Is that what you said? No, nature abhors a vacuum. Nature's
abhors? Nature abhors a vacuum. Nature's abhor vacuum? Look at me. Abhor. What? Abhor. It's
not a bad word. It's not a bad word. Maybe you should look it up. Maybe you're not educated.
I'm very educated. I'm sorry. Nature abhors. Listen, do you know that you can get in so
So much trouble for calling up here and cussing at me like that?
Word?
I didn't say a cuss word.
I said nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
A-B-H-O-R-S.
Abhors.
Whores.
H-O.
That's not how you spell whores.
How?
Man.
Okay.
God damn it.
What?
What?
Nature.
No, don't.
No, what?
She wants me to hang up on her.
Don't hang up on me.
Please.
Are you, is it like a prank call?
I just want to know.
I don't know.
I mean.
Do you need something?
I mean, is it like a prank call, or are you trying to be funny?
Because I don't really understand what you're trying to tell me,
and usually when people prank call, they, you know, make sense.
They do dirty stuff. Huh? Do they make sense?
It doesn't make sense to me. It's not...
I don't know. I'm just supposed to come down for spaces, and no one...
You want to come down for some spaces.
And is Gonzales there?
Gonzales?
Or Lopez?
Who are you trying to call?
Pablo's Restaurant, but I figured there's a Mexican there named Lopez or Gonzales, or...
No, that was funny. That was a good one, see?
No, I'm sorry, not a Lopez or a Gonzales.
Martinez?
No.
Enriquez?
No.
Well, there's white girls that work here.
Yeah?
Yeah, but not really Lopez or Gonzales or Enriquez. No, none of them.
There's a nice cute white girl?
Who?
You think they're cute white girls?
White girls?
Yeah.
I think every white girl's pretty cute.
Yeah, you kiss a girl?
Huh?
You kiss a girl?
Okay, now...
No, wait a minute, because you said every...
No, I do not kiss girls, okay?
No, you think girls are cute.
I'm a girl, and I'm cute.
Oh, okay.
Anyway, what do you need?
I mean, why are you calling again?
Why are you calling Pablos?
Uh, for spaces.
This is actually...
This what?
This is actually Skeet, Texas girl.
Whatever.
Now the rest is whatever.
Okay.
Your name, I'm sorry.
I've been looking for like ten minutes.
Valente.
Valente.
Valente?
No, Valente.
Valente.
Valente.
Yeah.
What's your name?
You're Nicole?
What's up, Nicole?
I'm just guessing.
Listen, you sound like a Nicole, I'm good.
What kind of lipstick do you wear?
Do you use Clairol?
Maybelline?
What blush do you use?
Do you like lipstick?
Do you like lipstick?
Lipstick?
Or a chapstick?
Wait, the subject again.
You're getting me.
What made you call up here?
What'd you need again?
I'm sorry.
Spaces.
Like?
Female spaces.
Any, you don't have any spaces?
You know, like a man says, hey, you know, I heard you had a problem with your pipes.
You know, stuff like that.
Pipes.
Pipes down there?
Problem with your pipes.
My pipes?
I heard that you have a problem with your pipes.
At work?
Like?
Yeah.
Pipes and stuff?
Anywhere, really, for the most part.
Anywhere you got in trouble with your pipes.
They said you have pipe problems and they need some piping.
Okay, so you heard someone called you and said we had trouble with our pipes?
Yeah, the ladies there had trouble with their pipes, that they needed their pipes worked on, is what they said.
And there were spaces, I'm trying to find out how much of the spaces, how many of them.
How many spaces do we need?
Right.
Can you, can you, who's in charge over there right now?
Richard, this guy named Richard.
Can you tell Richard that Valente's calling, that I was calling because I was supposed to go down there and lay pipe,
and that I heard that there was a problem with the pipes, that the girls down there had a problem, needed help with their pipes.
Are you with the company, or?
Yeah, yeah, I'm with Valente and Associates. This is Valente. I was supposed to come down there and lay down the pipe.
Well, I need to know how many spaces, and that there's a problem that, that, it says specifically here that the ladies have, have, uh, need work done on the pipes.
I don't know if you guys know which one it is. Maybe it's the, the ladies' room.
I get what you're saying. Go tell Richard that Valente, Valente, right?
Valente.
Valente, calling, and ladies called earlier and said that they had problems with their pipes, maybe in the ladies' room,
and he wanted to know how many spaces to buy.
That I'm coming down to lay down the pipe.
He's coming down to lay down the pipe.
Spaces.
Spaces.
Is there a reason why you're calling so late? Like, are you going to come do it tonight, or?
Well, we're supposed to come in first thing in the morning,
so we're trying to get access hours or whatever time someone's going to be open
and give us access to the spaces.
Whenever.
Well, my manager, he's here all the time, and he says he didn't know anything about that.
Well, he doesn't know about your pipes?
He says there's nothing wrong with our pipes.
None of the ladies there have any trouble, need any work done on their pipes?
No, sir.
Okay.
Well, I guess I don't know what's up.
You guys got me wandering around in a goose chase.
I heard that the women down there, that it was loose, and that...
The women were loose?
No, that it was loose, and there was a problem with the pipes.
That they needed someone to come down and lay down pipe, because it was, you know...
Oh, okay.
Are you, like, a company from Sweetwater?
Uh-huh, yeah, Volante and Associates.
Where y'all...
We do consulting, and we do construction work, contractor work, electrician work.
We work on pipes. We do piping work.
Okay. Where are y'all located at? Like...
I'm sorry. You know where the warehouse is?
The shop.
Shop, yeah, with the warehouse and the business center.
Warehouse?
Yeah, it's Unit 3A, and in the warehouse, that's the office,
and Unit 3B next door is the warehouse, and we've got the pipe.
Okay, look, sweetie, I've got to go.
All right, you're wasting my time.
Bye, honey. See you.
I shouldn't have known to call them shit for brains.
I was wondering what's the status on my car.
Coffee shop.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I came down to the valet, took my car, and I never got to see it.
I ended up getting my friend just gave me a ride,
But as he said that they were gonna wash it that they offered washing for five dollars to wash the car
Well, I went down to this the coffee house, right? Yeah
Yeah, I came in the guy who's in front
He said he was the valet and he took the car said it was that they wash it
I gave next to five dollars to wash the car in the machine and never he never came back
He never came and then my buddy Bruce's gave me a ride home. We're playing Xbox
No, really though, I think I have a ticket here and everything that he gave me says valet and as he said
Okay, we don't have a valet here.
Do you know who the African-American guy is that does the valet?
We don't have an African-American that works there.
Can you transfer me to the valet?
Who has my car?
Oh, my God.
40 minutes ago, even.
Probably call the cops.
No, wait a minute now.
He said that he worked inside.
He said, I asked him, who are you?
He said, I work inside.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
He said he worked inside.
What's his name?
Well, he had a name tag on.
He had the shirt that said Coffee House and everything.
It was a green shirt.
No, he didn't.
We don't have uniforms here.
Well, he had green shirts on, black pants.
That's cool. We don't have outfits here.
We don't have uniforms.
Well, no, he identified himself as an employee, sir.
And you were lied to.
Who's the black man that works there?
I don't mean to say that word.
There's no black man that works there.
What's your name, Jose?
Jose.
What's your last name?
What's your name?
What's your function there?
What's my function?
I need to speak to the...
No, I need to get all this information here,
because if you tell me someone stole my car,
then I'm bringing charges on you.
You're in charge there right now?
You're going to press charges on me?
Why are the press charges on somebody?
You can come up here and talk about it.
Well, I think one of your employees...
What's your name?
You're telling me that one of your employees...
My name is Valente.
Please stop talking over me.
Valente?
Listen.
You're lucky that I'm, like, dead right now,
because I'm just bored and, like, just been on the phone with people that crank calls.
You are responsible if you're telling me that one of the employees there took my car and stole it.
One of your employees.
If that's what happened.
I'm holding you personally responsible. What's your tax ID my tax ID number the business tax ID and you know that it's
27 that's a little too short sir. No, it's it's it's the same length as a social security number
Can you please give me the tax?
Give that to me again. What what give that to me again, please?
No, that's too short
And that's a different number because the last number you gave me ended in three the last number you gave me ended in three fucking shit
Give me one second give me shit born me. He knows it's a prank call anyway. Anyway back to bill
$0.85 per minute? Where the fuck was that to?
$0.85 a minute to Texas?
Fuse.
Yes, hi, I'm waiting on the valet to deliver my car, please.
Excuse me?
I'm waiting on the valet to deliver my car.
I've been sitting here in front of the building for quite some time after my meal,
and I still don't have my car valet.
Hurry up.
Hey, Bill there.
Oh, God, Bill.
Here you go.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, listen, I'm waiting on the valet to bring my car to me.
I've been waiting for quite some time now after I ate my food there at Burger Master.
The man took my car for valets.
He was going to wash the car for $5 and do a valet.
So where's my car at?
What car?
My car.
I came down in the car to Burger Master's.
And the valet took my car and he never...
Hello?
I brought my car down to the Burger Master's.
And the valet still hasn't come back with my car.
Your car?
My car.
What kind of car is it?
It's a 99 Hyundai Elantra.
I mean, how, I'm trying to say, because, I mean, people just park in here.
No, no, no, this man was parking, he said that he was a valet for Burger Master,
and he had a, a green shirt on, the black pants, he was a black guy,
and he said valet, that this is the new valet, that we wash your car if you give us $65, and he went.
Well, this is a food place, this is not a, yeah, hold on, hello?
Yeah, hi, the valet man never came back with my, with my car after I had my food there.
I have valet service here. This is the Burgermaster?
Yeah, that's where I went.
Yeah, the man said that you guys are doing a valet promotion for Labor Day weekend for MDA,
that it was passed, that they were still making donations,
and then he said that we'll wash the car for an extra $5, and we waited out there for a while.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. This is the Burgermaster?
Yeah.
This is the burger joint? We don't do washing cars, we don't do valet service,
and we don't have any special promotions for Labor Day weekend.
Again, there's a Burgermaster at the University District.
There's also one in Milton Peak.
I don't know.
I went to the one in Milton Peak.
The guy said he was in the valet.
He said he was in the Burgermaster valet.
Burgermaster valet.
I'm sorry.
We don't have that service here.
Then who has my car?
I gave the guy my keys.
I gave the guy his car.
It's a company car.
I gave him the keys to the company car.
Okay.
Well, we've never done valet service here.
Wait a minute.
It was a black man.
Who's the black man that works there?
He has my car.
I'm sorry. I've been here all day, and there's only been one man here, and he came here at 6, so he didn't start until 6.
Put him on the phone. That's the guy.
I'm sorry, sir. We don't have that service here.
But wait a minute. The man said he was an employee of Burgermaster's, and he said that they were doing a valet promotion, and I gave him the keys to my car, and I waited, and he never brought it back.
And you were at Bellevue Burgermaster?
Yes.
In our parking lot?
Well, I was in the process of parking, and he stopped me.
And he said an extra $5 that he was going to take to wash the car and the machine and come back.
We don't have a machine to wash cars.
But he's an employee there.
Okay.
Who was the male employee there that did that, that came in, that will tell me who it was?
It's the person that got my car.
Okay, I can give you a phone number for our manager.
No, no, I need my car.
No, no, I need my car.
Okay, well, we don't do valet service.
Then who has my car?
I don't know.
If you are missing a car, you need to call the police.
I'm holding you responsible for this because one of your employees, now you're telling me, stole my car.
Okay.
Well, we've never done valet service here.
We don't have a promotion.
I don't know.
So who took my car?
He said he works for the store.
Who took the car?
I don't know, sir.
Here, I'm going to put you on with another manager.
Can you hold on for a second?
Oh, God.
Please leave a message after the tone.
I just wanted to talk to you then.
I was there just recently, and I was playing a card game up there,
and what happened was the dealer dealt the deal of three cards.
He dealt the three cards that were supposed to be dealt and not flopped it
and dealt the fourth one.
I would have won about $375.
The dealer that did four cards is what happened.
The case is we have to know because we don't know for sure.
What happened, though, I would have won the $375.
If those weren't back to three cards, yes, okay.
Right.
So what happened?
Can I just, I need to come there and get a $375, or you guys can write me a check, or how do we fix this?
It doesn't get, it is an error by the dealer.
They do make mistakes.
They are human.
If they make an error.
Will he just give me the $375 then?
Can I just come get it out of his check?
How are we going to fix this then?
Apologize if this happens.
Nothing I can do about it.
What's your name?
My name is Larry.
Shift manager.
Larry.
Here's the deal.
I want to come get my $375 either way.
How are we going to do this?
Can you just directly put it in my account, or do I need to give you, like, my bank account number?
How are we going to fix this?
You're not going to understand what I'm telling you.
You're not going to get your $300.
Mr.
This is my lawyer on the line right now.
This is, I'm Ralph Littlejohn.
I'm the attorney.
Ralph, let me explain this to you real quick.
Well, first of all, who's this Al here who was there, who I roughed him up?
Apparently, I might have made the mistake.
Who's this Al person?
I haven't had a chance to tell him that yet.
Okay, first of all, let me, you have a pen and a piece of paper handy.
No, I do not. We are paperless here.
Would you mind getting...
All right, go ahead.
I'm hearing two of you at once.
Well, this is attorney-client privilege, and I'm allowed to be on the phone at the same time.
Okay. All right. This is what I'm going to ask you to do.
If you can get a piece of paper and a pen, I am going to give you my boss to him about...
Well, I think we're going to come down, and either you can write this check out for $375,
and we'll call it even instead of having to go forward for the punitive damages.
Okay, all right, all right.
Spell your name for me, please, Ralph.
Ralph Littlejohn, sir.
Littlejohn, thank you.
That's the last name.
And who is the other gentleman on the other line?
No, hang on, sir.
We need access to your video security camera tapes.
You will not get access to surveillance.
You can make copies for us.
Well, according to this paper that I have here.
Okay, let me explain something to you.
I'm trying to run a ship right now.
I'm going to give you my...
How dare you use the S word to me on the phone?
How dare you say the S word?
You said the S word, sir.
How dare you say it again, sir?
S-H-I-F-T.
S-H-I-T.
I know what that word means, sir.
It means excrement feces.
I know exactly what the word means.
No.
You left the letter F out.
I have.
Have you gone to the S-H-I-T?
I am a shift manager.
S-H-I-T shit, you said.
You heard that.
Goodbye.
I heard it.
To place the program larger.
Wonderful.
That's what he talked to then.
I was there just recently.
Hello.
People, I need to speak to the manager now.
I need your badge number right now.
Give me your badge number right now.
What number?
Your badge number.
Who's the effeminate guy who answered the phone there?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
You need to speak up.
I need to speak to the gay-sounding guy who answered at 10.45 p.m.
10.45 p.m.?
Yes.
May I ask who's calling?
This is Valente with Valente and Associates.
Someone answered there about nine minutes ago.
A feminine-sounding gentleman.
I demand to speak to him right now.
An apology.
Right now.
Now, who is the effeminate boy?
Excuse me?
Who is the effeminate man who answered the phone?
Okay, sir.
I'm just going to go ahead and hang up now.
We're very busy.
I need to speak to the man.
He had information, and he was rude to me, and I demand an apology.
Who is the effeminate sounding man who was talking to me about ten minutes ago?
Okay, sir.
I'm going to go ahead and hang up unless you would like to speak to a manager.
Put the manager on the phone.
I said from the beginning, you put the manager on the phone.
Go.
Go do the manager right now.
On the phone, put him on.
From the beginning, from the beginning I asked for that.
Damn it, I'm letting it all out tonight.
The manager is busy right now.
Can I get your name and number and I can have him call you back?
My name is Valente.
Okay.
407-459.
407-459.
4534.
What's your name?
49, okay, can you repeat the last four digits, please?
459-4534.
Okay, sir, I totally understand that you're upset,
but that is no reason for you to call back and cop an attitude with me
when you never spoke to me in the first place.
I'm sorry because I've been nothing but respectful to you.
And I did nothing but ask you for service
and you keep interrupting me.
I will have the manager call you back.
You keep interrupting me.
You keep interrupting me.
Fucking cunt.
You think I'm not going to call back?
Fucking Lito.
Demand satisfaction.
Everybody, satisfaction will be had.
Thank you.
Isaac, how can I help you?
I demand satisfaction, goddammit.
Hello?
Who am I speaking with?
What's your business there?
Are you the manager?
Or are you just some other person over there,
some other autonomous person?
Who doesn't provide the proper services?
What's the problem, sir?
How can I help you?
What's your purpose there, I said?
You answer the questions, I'm the customer.
Excuse me?
What's your function there, boy?
You know what?
You ain't gonna call me no boy.
Fuck you, bitch.
Motherfucker ass.
I should have said the boy part.
And her name is Ake.
Belly Ake.
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