Ass Crazy

Did you ever say you people?

He does not recall saying you people.

Hey there, dickhead, how you doing?

I do like the ass, yeah.

I won't have to, uh...

I'm ass crazy.

Who the fuck is this?

Listen to the House Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

We're here, we're here.

Already starting, we're here, we're here.

Yeah, we're here, we're here for you.

We're here.

Stupid.

Like a woman talk sometimes.

Yeah, we're waiting, we're waiting for you.

Everybody in my house radio.

Carlito.

That's all you need to know.

Prime call thing here tonight.

Still not back to 100% as far as Madhouse Radio is concerned.

As far as I'm concerned, Madhouse Radio does not exist as it used to.

I don't know what direction Madhouse Radio will be taking, but it's taking it right now.

Thank you, Tuck.

You have the floor.

You no longer have the floor.

Everybody, we're also being watched live on Zolar's station.

Our good friend Zolar, Zolar, Glenn Zolarski.

We'll see you tomorrow evening.

That'd be Zolar Party Nation.

It's over here on JTV.

Justin.TV forward slash Zolar, where you're probably watching us now if you are watching me.

And if you want to contribute to that, you can.

My AOL and my Yahoo screen name are both Madhouse Radio.

Again, if you're using AOL Instant Messenger or Yahoo Instant Messenger,

the screen name is Madhouse Radio.

You can also visit our homepage over at madhouselive.com.

Once again, you can visit our homepage over at madhouselive.com

where you can communicate to me.

You can also send your prank call request directly to me.

Subscribe to our prank call only podcast

and check out our downloadable prank calls at the Madhouse Radio forums.

Again, that is over at Madhouse Live.

That's the first applause he played on the show

Like in about two months

Alright, so let's check out the numbers we have here on deck

For some live prank calls

And we came up with some good ideas for some calls to the UK

So we're probably going to be prank calling Britain

I have no numbers here yet

But we have numbers from last week that we didn't get to

Lonesome Losers in the house

Thank you Lonesome Losers for showing up always

We've got Dead Fish Restaurant

They're in Crockett, California

Thomas Hutchinson, he's located in South Yorkshire

In England

Goldie the Clown is in Rockland, Massachusetts

massachusetts we also have the happy bear vacation rental that's at big bear lake california let's go

ahead and warm up with a week prank call they usually are a week the first prank call that we

do here every time uh again this is going to be i'm going to go with happy bear vacation rentals

big bear lake that's too much to fucking say for a city i don't want to live in a city we're going

to you know you got to have three words in it so when you're running out the fucking address

when you call people you call customer service and shit and they're like oh so what's your

your address today and then it's like okay and the city and it's like big bear away goes that

one word or two no it's three words yeah big next word bear and they're like wait a minute

it's like oh fuck that that's too much fucking work don't deal with that shit get out of here

man maybe it's just because i'm fucking lazy maybe it's because i have a i'm not going to

give you my last fucking name but i don't like my last name because it's too long and complicated

Okay, I didn't tell you.

You know what it is.

You saw from the wedding invites you got back for the wedding that I had in May.

Yeah, I read it somewhere, but I forgot what it is.

But I have it somewhere.

Yeah, well, keep forgetting it because you're not allowed to know what it is.

You weren't supposed to know.

You weren't even supposed to get an invitation.

We'll be right back with the first prank call of the night.

I'll get one of this.

I don't know.

My bitch.

We're gonna call Goldie the Clown instead.

Goldie the fucking Clown.

We're gonna be opening up the phone lines later on for you folks.

If you want to give a call here, you can join us for some prank calls.

Just make some comments or harass me and tell me.

You don't fucking like me, that's final.

So you want to be an asshole? You want to call and be an asshole?

Fucking better.

The white people out there wanted to call in to be assholes like usual.

Hello?

Yeah, hey.

Is there any white people there that are making a lot of noise?

You people stop it right now.

Excuse me?

There's some white people over there making a lot of noise.

God damn it.

You need to keep the noise down and turn down the TV and all that music and all that racket.

We're in Massachusetts.

Where are you?

I'm in Orlando.

I want you people to keep the damn sound down.

Keep it down.

Because you can hear my TV from fucking Massachusetts to Orlando?

No, because my grandmother's calling me here in Orlando.

and she's telling me

you people make too much noise

and that you're never quiet

and she's asking me for advice

and before I tell her

to call the police

or call on myself

I'm going to

you can go ahead

and call the police

because there's no elderly people

that live next to us

that she does

I think that's the wrong number

she don't see her

because she says

she's on dialysis

she can't leave the room

but she's in elder care

she has a hospice

they're taking

my family's making hospices

for her

inside the room

she has a dialysis machine

in there

and she can't do the machine

because of the fact

that you keep the TV

too damn loud

and where does your grandmother live?

She lives in Massachusetts.

I thought we already talked about this.

Okay, did you give me her address?

Turn the TV down right now.

Listen, it's an only...

Call the police in Massachusetts,

Massachusetts State Police, as a matter of fact.

Okay.

This is Massachusetts.

I called the Massachusetts State Police.

I talked to this Irish drunken mick cop

who said he was going to write you up,

write papers up.

Red Sox suck.

You suck.

Your mama sucks in the Red Sox.

That's right.

Put the phone down.

Fuck you.

I know she just put the phone down.

not talk to me.

Can't even hang up

this stupid phone.

Alright, everybody,

that was the first prank call

of the night.

Fuck that woman.

Tell me what I can

and can't do.

I don't appreciate that.

Alright, everybody,

continuing on,

we'll do another prank call now.

Let's see if we get any

numbers from Los and Loser yet.

Good, we do.

Alright.

Numbers from Los and Loser

coming in.

We got Trey's

dog-walking

sitting service.

They're in San Leandro,

California.

The Happy Ending Restaurant, they're in New York, New York, of course.

Heroes and Madman Tattoo.

A guy answered, sounding like Kissel from the Jerky Boys.

Hey, talk, dude, we got to do that.

I'm a big fan of Kissel.

He's my favorite of the Jerky Boy characters, man.

Kissel.

The Swine Alliance.

An old guy answered, 10 p.m. he sounded like he could be the head of some crazy cola organization,

maybe responsible for creating or spreading the swine flu.

Wise Fools Pub and running things up.

We got Charlie's Resort and Store Line.

Before we do any of those, we're going to call the UK.

We're going to talk to Mr. Thomas Hutchinson.

We're going to wake him up and see how he feels about, I don't know,

whatever comes up in my mind.

Fuck's all.

Yes, hey, buddy.

I'm sorry for interrupting you.

I'm going to let you finish.

Sean, I'm going to let you finish,

but I want you to know that Beyoncé is the best sleeper in the world.

I know you're sleeping, but Beyoncé is the best sleeper in the world.

That's all I'm saying.

Hello, Sean?

Here we go.

What time is it in the UK right now?

4 o'clock in the morning?

What time is it?

It's a four-hour difference.

Hello, sir.

Sir, you said I'm not hung up the phone correctly.

It's 3.22 a.m. over there right now.

Now he hung up.

He hung up.

As I hung up, he hung up.

What a coincidence.

I'm going to put my phone here for a little bit.

The me, me, me.

Yeah, maybe like that.

Me, me, me.

It's so fucking annoying.

All right, Nino has sent me before.

This is what Nino was suggesting we did.

He was saying, can we wake up people who are sleeping in the UK?

Okay, say to them that I'm really happy for them to be sleeping

and that I'm going to let them finish,

but Beyonce is better at sleeping than them.

That's very funny.

I could also say that I had the best prank call video of the year.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Tuck?

You know that MTV, you were on MTV a few months ago.

You were a carter, dude.

Did anyone else?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought it was more crazy that Lil Mama jumped up at the end

and danced with Jay-Z and it wasn't Rihanna, it was Alicia Keys,

and she made an ass out of herself.

I think she was probably drunk.

You probably know what I'm talking about.

You probably don't even know who Little Mama is.

Tuck.

Do you get cable TV where you live?

What do you got, satellite where you live, Tuck, or cable TV?

I have cable TV, but I'm a white guy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You got on-demand cable TV?

Nope.

No, but I have satellite.

Satellite.

Good for you.

Okay, the next prank is coming up.

This is going to be to a...

Anyway, I set that number there for a while ago.

let's call that uh trey's dog walking sitting service guys sound like crazy fucker to pick

up the phone maybe it is crazy fucker for all we know but crazy fucker has been blowing up the

forums he's posting like hell in there he's posting like hell in the forums yeah he he will

not stop i had to ban him for for three days because he wouldn't stop posting in there no

lie bitch on my desk and i don't know where it came from if it's from a sandwich or for some

meat you remember do you think i think i want a guy like that sitting my dog and walking my dog

You're out of your mind. He probably touches the dog's penis. Fuck that guy. I'm gonna hear this guy

That sounds like kiss over calling heroes heroes and man-man tattoo instead the guy there sounds like kiss

Oh, we should play kiss a prank call

Kissel man kiss Oh kiss. Oh

The machine oh man and get a tattoo once you charge for your tattoo

You want a tattoo of a tribal symbol inside the tribal symbol?

I want a Chinese letter the letter a tiny can't you just give me the price and what's for the quote?

Do you have to measure my arm?

What's the deal?

Yeah, we do all that.

You're going to measure me by the size?

Like, what is it?

You're going to charge me by the size?

What are you going to do a quote for?

I'm a surprise for the arm.

You tell me.

You want me to come in?

How big do you want it?

How big is the arm?

It's not big?

It's a normal-sized arm.

What's the big deal?

You're trying to make me go down there,

and then you give me the signing papers and stuff

and the rain check and this and that

that you don't offer the one model.

You got the other one and this and that,

and that's how you get me.

No, no, no.

Before I come down, I want to know, what's the difference between $150 and what do I get?

What's the big fucking difference?

It just depends on what we do.

You charge an ink fee?

A tattoo.

That's good.

Or do you always stick to that?

What's that?

You ever take any money under the table?

No, we don't do that.

No?

Not for any?

I mean, I'm just saying for bad stuff.

Maybe for good stuff sometimes you get a little extra something in the money under the table.

If you get a tip, yeah.

Yeah, a little bit.

How much are you going to be expecting a tip?

Whatever you want to do.

How much, what's your percentage you tip for a tattoo?

Let me ask you a question.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever go to the buffet?

Where?

The buffet.

Okay.

You know in the buffet where sometimes they cut the meat right there for you?

Okay.

And then next to that carbon station is sometimes the guy where they put steaks on the grill

and then you ask them what kind you want.

Okay.

So what do you do?

Like you go and you want a steak and you say you want a medium steak.

And they say, okay.

Do you just stand there and wait for the steak?

Or do you go back to your seat and come back later and get it?

I'll probably come back later.

What if you stand around?

Like is it bad?

What's that?

What if you just stand around?

What if you don't stand around?

around, what if they assume that you don't want it anymore? Like, what's the etiquette?

What's the etiquette?

I just don't get it.

You just don't get steak?

Yeah.

What do you like to eat?

You get the chicken off of...

That's not good, though. A steak is... You've got to get your steak work, man.

If they're giving you free steak...

I wouldn't eat a steak at a...

So what do you like? Do you like macaroni and cheese in the buffet?

No, I don't eat macaroni and cheese.

No? You don't like no pasta?

No.

What about hot sauce?

No.

You didn't use hot sauce?

Well, we're kind of busy right now, man. If you want to come in, we can do that tattoo

for you.

Fuck you. Talk to me.

Why don't you come over here and fuck me?

I said, fuck you.

Like, fuck you, like, fuck yourself.

Like, you're going to masturbate yourself,

and I'm going to sit here and laugh because you're so pathetic.

That's right.

Fucking shitty prank call.

I didn't even sound like Kiss at all.

I thought you were going to get him going for a second there at the beginning.

He's trying to fix it now.

I can't hear.

I got a bomb that blew up near me back in WW2.

I can't hear nothing.

He's working on a TV now.

I don't know, a little fella there.

Hey, I'm talking to the man.

It's one of them Japanese TV.

I don't know what the hell it is.

Can you help me fix this thing?

Hello?

My name is Ray.

How may I help you?

Hello?

What happened to the other guy?

Excuse me?

I was speaking with a guy.

He put me on hold.

I bought a TV there.

That thing's busting up off me.

Okay, you have a TV.

I sent a Mexican guy to pick it up.

He's trying to wipe on it now.

I can't do nothing.

and I'm sitting down in one of them wheelchairs.

Right. Now, what kind of a TV is it?

He's not going out of it. That's me.

Shut up. I'm talking to the guy.

What kind of TV is it?

The kind of TV you watch shows on.

He wants to fix the back of it.

What should I do?

I can't do nothing.

I don't know nothing without my reading glass.

Because every time he's trying to fix what's in the back,

something keeps popping up with the picture.

I don't understand what's going on.

I bought a TV that ain't working properly.

Don't touch nothing in the back before you...

What are you doing?

He's burning down the house with that TV.

What should he be touching in the back?

Nothing.

You said he should be touching it in the back?

The blue one.

Touch it in the back.

The guy said touch it in the back.

No, don't touch anything.

See, now his hands are all smoking now.

What the hell are you telling him to touch it for?

and it's funny my favorite part of that is at the end where he says purple plug out

he's not dead yet no one ever catches that um we got a number in the uk i guess there's some

asshole named richard kettle who likes to come to america a lot his name is fricking richard

fucking kettle whatever i think the people in zolar station know a lot about him i know nothing

about richard kettle but i think i was gonna call him because he sounds like a fucking prick

Freak asshole bitch.

Baby's problem is that he's British.

What's the fucking code?

011.

Isn't that how I do it?

Yeah, that's how you do it, right?

011 first.

Let's see.

And then 44 for the UK.

And then a number.

Thanks, sir.

Hey, listen, you take a lot of trips to the UK.

The silly kids want to talk about it.

I don't know.

What is it?

What?

That you take a lot of trips to the US from the UK.

What do the little kids care about that?

Little kids on the internet station

They say that they know you

That you're in there

That you go to the United States a lot

Yeah, so I get to go out to states

And I'll be a businessman, you fucking idiot

Yeah, what kind of work do you do?

You know Jim Stewart?

Who am I supposed to know?

I think you should go

You know what?

I would like you

Can you just say this is Jim Stewart?

Could you say that for me, please?

I'm not Jim Stewart

You fucking idiot

Hey, everybody

It's Jim Stewart

What's up, Jim Stewart?

How you doing, man?

You fucking Jim Stewart

That's you, dude

That's fucking

Jen, listen to me, Jen

You may not remember, but I'm Carlito.

And Tuck is here.

Milkman and all your old friends, Ted, we're all here.

And we've been looking for you for a long time.

Tuck, what are you talking about?

You're a fucking moron.

You took a fall.

You were on your bike.

You took a fall, and you don't remember us.

But it's me, your old buddy Carlito.

You remember me?

Where was I?

Huh?

Hey, where was I when this happened?

What part of America?

You were in Alberta, Canada.

You're riding a bike, and you fell down,

and there was a bump in the road, and you tripped,

You flipped over and you hit your head.

Oh, I remember Alberta, yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh, shit.

Gin fucking Stewart.

I was up there talking with one of the tobacco companies.

Yes, that's right.

I was like, oh, shit, man.

I pushed you down.

I pushed you down, you piece of shit.

I pushed you fucking down.

And I wanted you to fucking die.

I wanted you to fucking die, Gin fucking Stewart.

Who the fuck?

I wish you would fucking die, Kettle.

What's your name now, Kettle?

first of all

my name is

it's

you look like

this gin man

I'm in Liverpool

right now

you're calling me

it's 4 o'clock

in the fucking morning

and I can't understand

what the hell's

going on

I hope you get

human papillomavirus

and that you die

what are you talking

about you fucking

American wanker

fuck me

right along

that's really weird

that guy sounds

like gin stewart

everybody we found

gin stewart

people on solar station

have no idea

what we're talking about

Coke and he says

that no tobacco

grows in Alberta

I cut him off

I feel bad

I'm sorry Kettle

I think he's

this one cat

that listens to

the Zola show

that guy's funny

he's funny

I was listening

to some of him

last night

he was talking

to Dr. Lego

Dr. Lego

who just came

on last night

and just

I mean really

Dr. Lego

last night

was like

I don't know

what that

there's something

we're out of here

I think

I think I'm

getting sick

coughing a little

bit here and there

man

you just fucking

called me

and then hung up

on me

And the deal is, and what's the problem?

I don't want to talk to you.

I told you what I wish on you.

I wish you a human papillomavirus.

I got to do an eye wash real quick.

You talk to the people real quick while I do my eye wash.

Your eye wash?

Yeah, it's a saline solution.

What's an eye wash?

Yeah, I take a shot glass, and I fill it with salt water,

and I put it over my eye, and I tilt my head back,

and I look in all directions and blink and blink and blink like that,

and it washes the eye out.

Now, why would you want to do that?

Well, I started doing it.

the doctor recommended

that I do it once

for allergies

and I find myself

addicted to it

like it's something

that I even need it

but I do it like

twice a day now

really so just have

a pure habit

kind of like Keith Richards

with heroin

yeah but it's actually

I'm starting to notice

I'm having trouble

seeing bright lights

at night

and I think it might be

because I keep using

this eye wash

well then don't use

the fucking

don't

then don't fucking

use the eye wash

oh fuck

it's still so fucking

have you ever used

an eye wash man

yes I've used

I've used eye wash

before but that's

because I had an eye problem

yeah I know

and that's how

it started with me

but seriously

see, now I'm like, it just feels so good to wash your eyes out. It's like, I don't know

what, it's like biting your fingernails or, you ever do anything like that? You have any

bad, you smoke cigarettes or anything? Yes, I do smoke cigarettes. Well, we call them

fags over here, but yes, we do smoke them. So what do you smoke? Have you got Marlboros

over there? No, actually I don't. I smoke an American brand, actually. It's by Santa

Fe Natural Tobacco Company. I smoke the American Spirits. Oh, you can get those over there

too? They sell them in newspapers here and stuff. All the time, magazines, something

about America's spirit. Is it cheap? Is that why

you get it? No, actually in the UK

they're about $12 a pack, but

Holy fuck. You know, I have to

get to a special tobacco store in London to get

them. I have to buy them cartons at a time.

Do you ever get those Nat Shermans?

Nat Shermans are alright. I've

dented the tobacco store on Nat Shermans in

New York City. I like

it. I bought my nice pipe there actually.

My favorite pipe I bought at Nat Shermans. I love New York.

It's a great place, but

you know, that's

That's why I get my one pipe, you know.

I smoke a little marijuana out of it once in a while.

Yeah, I hear you.

I don't like smoking marijuana out of a regular tobacco pipe.

It's just something about it.

It doesn't hit right.

It's not designed for that, I don't think.

You can only do that in a glass bowl, man.

And I don't like bongs either.

What about cigars?

Are you into cigars at all?

What do you like?

Do I smoke cigars?

Well, I do smoke a little bit of cigars.

Every once in a while, I like Ashton's.

Obviously, the Churchill's, they're great.

You know, all of those, and, you know, listen, I know you're doing prank call radio.

Do you want to do a prank with me?

I've done prank phone calls before.

I like doing them.

You do prank calls?

Yes.

All right, good, we can do that.

I've done them before.

I'm going to give you a list of numbers that are confirmed here by Mr. Lonesome Loser.

You tell me which one you'd like to do, and I will connect it.

You ready?

All right, that sounds beautiful.

All right, first we've got here is Dirty Martins.

It's a place in Austin, Texas.

We've got Gandalf the Wizard Clown.

An angry-sounding guy answered about 20 minutes ago.

Charlie's Resort and Store Line, the Wise Fools Pub,

and we also have the Swine Alliance all coming in here.

Just confirmed.

Any of those stick to you, or should I just pick a random one?

What is that resort?

Charlie's Resort slash Store Line.

A suspicious-sounding guy answered 28 minutes ago.

All right.

Let me actually try...

I want to try the Angry Clown.

The Angry Clown.

Gandalf the Wizard Clown, who sounded angry, he just picked up about 17 minutes ago.

He should be picking up again.

Thank you, Mr. British Man.

Just a moment, everybody.

Don't go anywhere, sir.

All right.

We're here to take your call right now, but if you leave a message, area code, and phone number, we will get back to you.

I'll leave a message.

Please remember to leave your area code.

Hello, Gandalf the Wizard Clown.

Nice voicemail.

Is that your wife?

She sounds like a pretty little thing.

Quite a pretty little thing.

I'd like to meet her, Gandalf. Maybe she can get away from your weird, clown, fucked-up ass.

So why don't you do me a favour? Why don't you take the make-up off and stick a banana up your ass?

That would be a real show, since all your actual shit sucks my balls.

I'm calling from the UK to tell you I saw your programme on... I saw one of your programmes and it sucked!

It sucked my father's cock, you bastard!

So, you stupid wanker, I want to fuck your wife, and when I do fuck your wife, you can watch.

It was a pleasure talking to you. Toot-toos and greetings from Liverpool.

Goodbye.

So what's up with Liverpool?

What's your industries there and shit?

My industry?

Well, I work for PMUSA,

Philip Morris USA.

I work there.

I'm in the business end of it

because there's

Philip Morris USA International

and there's Philip Morris USA

in the United States.

So I work for

Philip Morris International.

All right.

So, I mean,

has the price of cigarettes

always been that much in the UK?

Because it just started going up

over here like crazy.

I'm sure you know

if you work for

Philip Morris and shit.

it? For a packet of 20, it runs for about, I'd say about seven bucks a pack if you roll,

you know, for a packet of 20, you know, like Marlboro or Newport or something like that,

but, you know, it costs 12 pounds. Now, see, I'm trying to convert it to dollars for you

just so you can get an idea because it costs about, whereas it costs about, you know, 1025

25 pounds, okay, which was about $12 for my cigarettes over there in America.

I haven't seen it.

Man, that's crazy.

Dude, so, and I have one last question here for you while we're on the subject,

and I figure, oh, yeah, American Spirit.

Now, that's not a Phillips Morris brand, though, so why are you smoking that?

I mean, don't you get any shit from that?

No.

I mean, because you know because they put a lot of shit in those cigarettes, don't they?

They put some asbestos in it.

What else is in that?

You tell me.

Oh, gold.

They have so much shit in that I can't even name it.

I'm friends with some of the guys in the plant.

It's ridiculous.

They put us in Festus and beeswax and a bunch of fucking crazy shit.

Rat poison, yeah, cyanide.

That's why I didn't smoke Marlboro.

I smoke the American Spirits because it's all natural.

Actually, because I'm half Native American, my mother was married to my father.

My mother was an Indian and my father was a Brit, actually.

Ah, okay.

I think I'm going to start rolling my own is what I'm going to start doing, man.

I'm going to buy my own tobacco and a rolling machine.

Don't buy PMUSA's tobacco.

Trust me.

Buy the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco.

I heard of Jester Rolling Papers

are really big in the UK for some reason.

I don't know if that's true or not,

but that's what I hear.

You want to do another prank call, sir?

Yes, I'll do another prank call.

But give me a number that's going to answer so I can prank them.

Okay, that's indeed.

Well, yeah, we didn't do the first prank call in the first place.

That's right.

Good point.

That's right.

All right, hang on here.

Saying I want to bang his wife.

I've got a wireless mouse and a battery's dying on it,

so I've got to be a little careful here.

Okay, so we had Dirty Martins.

I have no idea what that is.

There's that resort that we mentioned before.

There's, let's see here.

We call it a tattoo place.

There's a restaurant called The Happy Ending.

They're in New York City.

Is it a Chinese restaurant? What is it?

No, Happy Ending Restaurant Club and Lounge.

I think it might be one of those places where the ladies are a little loose,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, all right. Put me through to that.

I think there might be some explosive shit from some of the food.

You got it. All right.

Cool, man, everybody.

And where is Liverpool in the UK anyway?

Central, north, south, east, west? What's it like?

Well, if you ever watch Titanic...

Actually, if you go on Google right now, you can see exactly where it is.

instead of asking me because, you know, I'm currently in Cambridge.

I'm not actually in Liverpool.

I'm from Liverpool, but I'm currently in Cambridge,

which is on actually the west side of the UK, near Norway.

You know where Norway is?

Yes, yes, yes.

But my hometown of Liverpool is on the eastern side of the UK,

eastern towards central,

and that's actually one of the places that the Titanic left from.

Ah, yes.

I believe they hit Liverpool, England.

I'm not completely sure, but I wasn't alive when that happened.

Yes, Liverpool is right below Preston and above Mould, you know, there's Shrewsbury, it's around that area.

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

I do. I played a video game where you had to conquer Europe and stuff, and I fought in a lot of those places in the medieval times, sir.

And I took it over, and I was Spain, I was a Spanish, and I actually went into what is present-day Liverpool, I remember,

and we invaded it and we did rape and pillage. I had to choose that option, so just to let you know.

Hey, all right, Scott.

All right, buddy.

Slipped it to your mom.

Okay, everybody, here we go.

Next prank call of the night.

This is a place called the Happy Ending.

Happy Ending, the club and bar.

Happy Ending.

Rex, Richard Kettle.

I am staying in New York currently.

I hate your establishment.

Hold on.

Your phone's buzzing.

What's going on?

Are you getting an attack?

Pearl Harbor, no drill?

No.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jay Swift.

He's in East Sussex, England.

What can you tell me about East Sussex, England?

Real fast.

I don't know much about East Sussex.

I've never been there.

All right, we'll stay on the line, Joan, and if you feel like it, all right?

If you feel the spirit, you get in the call, motherfucker.

You ready?

Yes, sir.

Fuck yeah.

Let's do it.

98.6.

No.

I'm going to take a break pretty soon.

I need some iced tea.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this Swift?

Yes.

Hi, Swift.

Listen, I'm sorry for interrupting you.

I'm very proud.

I'm going to let you finish.

I know you love sleeping, and I'm very proud for you, but I'm going to let you finish.

But I just want you to know that Jen Stewart here on the line is the best sleeper in all

of the UK.

You understand?

I'm sorry.

The guy that I have, a guy on the phone here, and he's a better sleeper than you,

so we decided to call Wake You Up.

Ain't that right, buddy?

Hello, this is, you know, this is Jim.

How are you?

Who is that?

That's Jim Stewart.

Yeah, listen, listen, man, it's Jim, you know.

I live in Liverpool.

You're in East Essex, right?

Who is it?

It's Jimmy.

You're from East Essex.

Remember me?

Listen, I'm calling, listen, ma'am, I'm calling from New York in the United States.

There's this man from Britain here who I found drunk on the side of the street.

He was half asleep, and I figured I'd give you a call, see if you know who he is.

He's from Britain.

You know who this is?

No, listen, it's Jimmy.

It's Jimmy, man.

You know, we met in Liverpool.

You remember me?

Yeah, you know this guy, right?

You're from England.

You know this guy.

I don't know who you are.

Well, he's from England.

I'm calling from New York in the United States.

We need you to come pick this guy up.

He's drunk.

Listen, you've got to remember me.

We met in Liverpool that one time.

We met out in London with you and your husband.

And we met out there.

We were, you know, hanging out.

We went to town.

Oh, for goodness sake, though.

You sure you don't...

No, no.

You sure you don't know him?

Hello.

Hello, Janet.

I'm sure he knows you.

Hello.

I love you, Christ.

All right, listen, I got to go...

I got to go get something to drink and take a piss, you know what I'm saying?

Thank you for calling.

By the way, listen, listen, I want to make one more comment.

Sorry that my accent was in and out like that, but when I talk to Americans, I try to enunciate my words more,

because, you know, sometimes a bit when we talk, you know, we kind of talk like this,

and you can't really understand what we're saying at all.

Right.

But I try to enunciate my words more when I talk to people in the United States.

Did they teach you that, like, in speech classes for your job?

Probably did.

You can't understand what the hell you're saying.

Yes, actually, they did.

I have to pronunciate my words like I am now,

but when I'm talking to my own people in my workplace,

so people like her, I can speak much quicker,

and I can speak in my, you know, normal tone, you know,

hello, what's going on, rather than hello.

All right.

All right, buddy.

All right, I'll take your word for it.

Don't worry.

How do they teach you British guys not to sound so effeminate

when you're in the United States, when you're working?

How to sound so effeminate?

Not so effeminate

Because British people

Sound really effeminate

Like especially British men

They

I mean I know you guys

Aren't the gay

But you guys sound effeminate though

Do I sound effeminate to you?

Well you sound British

Like you know

Like a British queer

That's cool

I mean there's nothing wrong with it

I mean that's how you sound

I'm not a queer

But you know

I mean

It all depends where you know

How I'm talking you know

I mean if I'm going to do

If I'm going to talk like

To other Brits

It's different than

If I'm talking to an American

Well you sound kind of goofy man

It's funny

I like listening to British people talk

You guys make me laugh

Like

Hey this is British guy work

I make him say stuff

all the time

I say hey

say this

say elevator

he's like

I don't call an elevator

I call a lift

you're so stupid

no that's what we call

we call a lift

I call a lift

you know

he's so funny

you know

hope to fuck a lift

but don't say

oh the elevator

I now

hey Tuck

we'll send the first guy

to talk

it's so funny

you know

I mean

what else

what we just

oh that's alright

instead of queer

I know

Alright listen

Listen sir

Listen

Listen in the name of the United States

I gotta go alright

Thank you for being on the show

We'll talk to you next time

Bye

Have a good night

Alright

Everybody that was that

Okay that's 21

That's 20 in there

Cause it really sounds like

It sounds like someone

Putting on it

Alright

I gotta take that break

That I was talking about

You know what I mean

They can't explain 20

So it gets

I'll be back in about 5 minutes

Everybody don't go anywhere

Thank you

Okay

New Year's

I gotta check on my slaves

There's two dogs on late

New Year's are shut up

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

All right, everybody.

We're back to come inside the woman and impregnate her and then pull it out and watch the cream pie.

I always love cream pie videos.

Tuck, you like cream pie videos, don't you?

Thank you.

Take Tuck off the mute.

Take Coke and get off the mute.

Madhouse Radio, MadhouseLive.com.

Madhouse Radio on AOL, Instant Messenger

and Yahoo. Tofurline

is disconnected and will probably never return.

You can still call us here

407-459-4534

Once again, you can call us

here if you'd like to join in.

407-459-4534

I haven't paid it.

They call me like, hey, will you please pay your

$15?

Will you please pay your $15? We'll turn it back on.

I'm like, eh, no.

Please.

the lady called me

like two days ago

she wasn't like

she's in her collection

she's like the nicest lady

she's like

well you don't want it anymore

I'm like yeah

it's like we're not going to

send you the collection

it's just $15

but just pay it

and get the service again

I'm like I don't really

want it anymore

I don't really need

the toll free line

you got Google Talk

who needs it

it's too expensive

paying money for a

toll free number

but we had one

for a while

until September 10th

yep

it's out there enough anyway

we use it on all our

prank calls

407-459-4534

if you want to call in

Don't be an asshole.

I'm going to give a big what's up to everyone watching this over on Zolar's channel.

Zolar will be on tomorrow night at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Zolar Party Nation tomorrow.

Ellie's saying hi on AIM.

Hi, Ellie.

Ellie still doesn't know how to get the chat room to work.

Piss Jug's in the house.

What's up, man?

Mikey129 is in the house as well.

MST3Clay, good to see you, brother man.

Gangrene's in the house.

The Blackjack dealer himself.

Jake, man, hi-fi, boggy.

Of course, Nunu and Lonesome Loser helping out in the background.

Brown Coconuts here in the chat room in the satellite link up with me here on T-Speak.

Along with Tuck.

Tuck's website is tuckermike.com.

Tuckermike.com.

Check out his art and bias.

I'm going to do a few more prank calls.

Probably about another 30 minutes worth of show here.

We're going to cut it off.

It has not been a strong night.

And that's okay.

They can all be strong nights.

Athena woke up this morning sneezing.

You have a weak nut, you have a strong nut.

Tuck, Athena woke up this morning sneezing with a stuffy nose.

And she's getting worse.

I think she's got the donkey flu and I think I'm next starting to hit me now. So I'm drinking a lot of tea

That's too late fuck it if I got it I got it man, it's it's it's a nice three or four days out of work

I'm all for it as long as I can still go to class talk. You don't even work some of my bitch

Bastard tuck doesn't even have a job. He lives on this

plantation and colors colors

This colors watercolors all day

between the lines actually i turned the phone service off let me turn the phone line back on

all right see what numbers you got here taylor swift swift and swift all in england all ready

to be woken up hang on everybody more prank call nunu says call people in the uk and ask

them for their phone number all right you got a good idea it's perfect sense

it's a phone number bitch yo what's your phone number just say i'm updating my record

nunu has speaking of effeminate british people nunu has an effeminate british voice because

Because he never calls in.

He's never called in.

Yeah, of course.

I want to know that.

Nunu's one of them that has a...

I think that's what it is.

He's probably like 15.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Nunu, open up, man.

Spill the beans.

How old are you?

At least tell us how old you are.

Tell me how old you are and I'll give it out.

Just tell me.

I won't tell anybody else.

How much do you guys owe Nunu?

I think it's 26.

Yes, hello.

This is Valente.

I'm calling from the United States Phone Administration.

Could you please confirm your phone number?

I need it for my records.

Because I'm...

I'm calling...

I know.

No, I'm calling your phone number to get you to give me your phone number.

No, I'm not giving you...

Well, I already know what it is. Just tell me.

No.

I called you, right? You can't tell me the phone?

Whose number? Am I not calling the right number?

Tell me.

It has a four in it. There's a five. There's an eight in there. Yeah.

There's a one. There's a few fours. There's a two.

It's private. I can't give it out like that.

You can't. I'm not bothered if you tell me a number.

No, no, but it's...

If it's not one, I'll tell you it isn't.

No, but it's a private number. Like, I can't just give it a number like that.

It's against the rules, but...

Well, I'm not going to answer what the number that rings is.

No, but listen, sir, I'm with the phone administration.

And you're, by American law, you are required to respond to my request,

a federal request, for you to confirm and give me your phone number.

Oh, I'm sorry, I left out.

Well, this is America, baby, and we're in charge.

Yeah, I knew this.

Yeah, so...

Yeah.

Are you not a NATO signatory nation, sir?

Nothing to do with me.

I'm a private citizen.

Yes.

Yes, but have you heard of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, sir?

No.

It was a contract that was written that says an attack against one of our member nations is an attack on us all.

And it assures mutually assured destruction.

Hello?

Give me the phone number, you old fuck, you old son of a bitch.

That's funny how I say yeah.

Give me your phone number, despite the fact that I already called him.

And then when he asked me to give him the phone number, I refused to give it to him because it's private.

Okay.

What the hell is that?

What's your problem?

Dickhead, how you doing?

Motherfucker, what's with you, man?

Hey, you fucking cocksuckers talking to me like that.

I'll come down and slur it inside your head, boy.

Thanks, sir.

Appreciate it.

Crazy fucker, you know, I was thinking to myself,

it'd be nice if you called in and just answered like two or three questions,

serious questions about how you feel about certain things.

Well, man, like I'm open to answer questions,

but like not from like the Communist fucking party,

which is otherwise known as the Democratic Party.

or the Republican Party.

All right, listen, listen.

How do you feel about public option in health care?

Should there be a public option or not?

Say that again now.

Do you think there should be a public option in the next health care bill that's passed?

Do you think there should be a public option for health insurance care?

Well, I think that health insurance care is something that all living beings upon the planet have a right to.

I'm talking about every human being on the planet has a right to health care,

and they have a right to shelter

and they have a right to food

and they have a right to clean air

and they have a right to clean water

and toilet.

Now, if the fucking corporation

Hey, wait a minute.

What about it?

They have rights to a clean toilet, right?

Well, unless you're of the opinion

that you want to take a shit

and a hole in the ground

and if you choose to do that,

you should have an option for that too.

It's called an outhouse.

Now, why don't you clean your toilet?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because, man, I've been waiting for your mama to come over to clean it

because I don't want to fucking put her out of a job.

You've got a dirty fucking nasty toilet, and then the toilet seat slides even.

Like, it doesn't even stay bolted on there.

You did it wrong.

Dude, dude, I do, man.

You're right.

I see, man.

You're the motherfucker that came creeping in the other day when I was gone.

you're the guy

but check this now

answer to your question

you asked me about

health care now

if these

bastard corporation

mother

quit putting poison

in the food

then people

wouldn't be

crazy fuckers

so answer me this

what do you eat

what's your diet

consist of

do you like grains

or what do you

do you grow your own

vegetables

oh man

hey you remember

a show you did

about three months ago

no

where you

you said that

you was eating spam

spam

you said you was

eating spam

noose

Listen, no, no, no.

What happened was we got hit by a hurricane here.

We were going to get hit, and I bought Spam, bacon-flavored Spam.

Day one, Dave, fucking canned.

The next day, I ate this.

All of a sudden, liver is like a sandwich, man.

And I'm not kidding you, man.

I started, like, fucking, I started getting really fucking sick, man, and it was like my liver.

Man, I'm telling you, dude, I'll never, ever eat Spam again.

Well, it's got a lot of sodium in it, man.

And don't eat that raw.

You've got to cook.

You've got to warm that up a little bit.

I think it's edible.

I think you can eat it like that, though, but no.

Well, no, it was like it looked good.

It slid out of the fucking can.

Oh, when it comes out, it makes that noise.

Right.

So I just started chopping it up in chunks, right,

and pouring hot sauce on it and eating it.

But I'm telling you, that shit, man, I'm telling you.

Amazon, I'm telling you, dude, I'm telling you,

that fucking shit is, if you start reading what's in that shit.

You know, over there, where's those islands

where all those people have been eating spam since World War II?

Oh, they love it.

It's a delicacy.

See, I know Korea, it's really big, too.

In Korea, like, they sell it.

It's real expensive over there.

It's like caviar.

Yeah, they love Spam out there and those islands,

all those little bitch islands over there that we took over.

Right, right.

But they have chronic obesity, right?

Yeah, yeah, they do.

I mean, really, they drop dead like it's fucking 40 years old,

heart attacks and shit, right?

Like me.

But they love their Spam.

Fucking Spam.

Anyway, just to reiterate what I said about your question,

and the serious issue about health care.

Every human being should have their choice.

If I want to go to a medicine man to get health or whatever,

that should be my option under the help.

But help guys my age now, there's a whole list of shit that I'm not even eligible for

if I go to a doctor.

72 hours, that's all my death.

I'm not going to do that.

Listen to Sarah Palin.

They're doing it, dude.

They're doing it already, man.

They put shit in the fucking food.

I started listening to that Alex Jones, and I tell you what, I'm not too impressed.

It's some of the stuff.

Come on, man.

Like the fluoride stuff, you really believe that, that they're dumbing us down with fluoride?

You really buy that?

I mean, that was...

Hey, that was...

Okay, okay.

Well, you can trace that down for yourself.

That's what they gave the Jews.

That's who invented that fucking...

The inflated was the Nazis, man.

What it does is it kills brain cells.

That's how come they take concentration camps in Germany to make them...

There's like a hundred and fifty million cheap fraction of the fucking people.

You know why?

Because they were drugged, man.

Float flight kills your brain cells, man.

It makes you fucking like a dumb fuck.

It's like a chemical cast.

That's what they do.

They put the shit in the water, in the food.

It keeps people dumbed down.

So they let it be.

listen listen i'm gonna you want to talk to somebody in scotland we're gonna let you go

you gotta yeah let's do a prank call there dude i'll put you through to l taylor in scotland

all right stand by don't go anywhere damn it jesus christ good to hear him

just when you thought the guy was fucking done forever and had diarrhea forever remember he

He called him once, he said he had diarrhea for two days.

No, no, no, I don't want any.

I had diarrhea for two days.

Ask him if he got his swine flu shot next time he phones in.

Yeah.

Is this the Taylor residence?

I'm calling from the United States of America, and I have a lucrative business property.

I would like to go into business with you.

I'm trying to contact somebody to send me some tape.

I know.

You're somewhere around, aren't you?

You're somewhere in England.

Oh, you're in England.

Well, can you send me some Beatle albums?

Say, crazy fucker, you did what you could.

Thank you very much, sir.

All right, man.

Good talking to you.

And you're going to be on tomorrow night with Zola?

I might make an appearance.

I'm going to be, I've got to visit my mom.

I've got to, some family members are going to make an appearance north of here.

But hopefully if I'm in town back in time, I will make a phone call with parents of Zola

and we're going to have a conversation on the phone because we have,

there's an issue that we need to get handled here.

So you're not going to be on Syndicate no more?

Syndicate doesn't work.

Crazy fuck

You know since they permanently banned my ass

Yeah, man

You should go to jail, man

Yeah, yeah

I'm gonna get you there, my man

All right, asshole

All right, see you later, man

All right, you son of a bitch

All right, you shit

I was gonna talk to Crazy Fucker

That's my man

They curse each other like men

There you go

We had him call the UK

And it never

His prank calls are always lame

Because he just wants to call in

I'm like

Hello

Hi

Hi, who is this?

Free

Can I do you for a buddy?

You wanna do a prank call?

I'm doing prank calls

Yes

Good, we're gonna call

We're gonna call Scotland

I think it's Scotland

Give me a second

I can shut up for a second.

All right, bitch.

We're going to call Swift in England.

You know what I'm going to do?

You're going to be an asshole, or you're going to do a prank call?

No, I'm going to do it.

All right, don't be an asshole, Ava.

Don't be talking like that.

You show respect.

Fuck, Jeffrey.

Make your fucking noises already.

You hear that?

Look at this stupid shit.

Listen.

Hey, stop.

Say it, please.

He's saying hellos already.

Is anybody there?

Eleven.

And he's still sitting there with his thumb up his ass, not saying anything.

Jeffrey, man, you fucking suck, bro.

The fuck is that?

Fucking weak.

Jeffrey!

ask these people to start calling in and doing prank calls like stupid suave sending a number

for marcus he's a white boy fuck let's call white people man fuck it i'm on a fucking roll tonight

we're calling white boys tonight everybody we're calling marcus the white boy we also got a number

for some woman who sent out her number on youtube to a bunch of people her name is brandy she's a

slut apparently a youtube slut bitch and she gave out her number on youtube we're going to give her

a call also oh man i

don't remember which of these british numbers i called them which ones

i didn't fuck me it's called it's called marcus and what you know why people usually learn called

marcus i don't know that i don't know check your sources man that sounds like a black guy's name

to me. Hey, Mark. Marcus.

Marcus Lebeau. That's French.

French-Canadian shit. Fuck that.

Syracuse. A lot of white people in Syracuse,

I think. The boys. Alright, Suave, you

tried. You failed, sir. You do not get

your Madhouse Prize. That's

okay. You too can send me a request

over on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger

or Madhouse Radio if you're using AOL or

Yahoo Instant Messenger. You can also IM it

to me in the chat room. If your prank call

request turns out good, you do get the Madhouse

Prize of the night, everybody, so be sure to

try to get that.

And you don't find out until you win the fucking prize.

That's what we're doing here.

We can't give up.

We're going to show all our cards at once.

Yeah, man.

Five Madhouse dollars for the Madhouse Radio Store.

And that, of course, is brought to you by 98.6 the month.

98.6.

No.

Call in Brandy.

Hang on.

Take it easy.

Take it easy, weed man.

Take it easy.

Whatever.

I'm a pool time.

What's your fucking problem, dummy?

What is this?

This is Valente.

This is Brandy.

Yeah.

You're such a fucking dummy.

You know that?

You're so stupid.

You're a 5%-er, yeah.

Okay.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, do you supersize?

Huh?

Do you supersize when you get food?

Do you supersize?

Huh?

Fucking listen to her.

Does she supersize Weed Man?

I'll call her back.

Tell me the truth.

Does she supersize?

Is she like that little chunky?

Weed Man.

They say yes.

People saying yeah.

She sounds like she supersizes.

Call her back.

Ask her about that.

No, she got a big booty.

Pull her.

They say this girl's got a nice big booty.

Talk.

Are you more of a leg person, a breast man, or you like the ass?

I like the ass myself.

I'm a fan of a nice ass.

I do like the ass, yeah.

We'll have to agree on the whole ass perspective and thing and aesthetic.

I'm ass crazy.

What about eyes?

Eyes, too.

A.

A, eyes is a close second.

Can't fuck eyes, stupid.

Wait a minute.

Hang on now.

You know, the whole thing with the eyes is all I think when I see the eyes is what it's

going to look like when she's going down on me and she's looking up because she's got

got some nice eyes and that's that's that's what comes to my head like this girl's gonna blow me

and uh you know this is i'm gonna be just i'm gonna tell hey look at me you know and they take

a picture with your cell phone and she wasn't expecting it and you um and you just let it get

out not that i've ever done that before it's her face not mine how would paul show my cock off

matter of fact no no no sean ward seen my cock

It's not gonna happen

So I was saying call 100 Jenny Craig

Why cause I'm a fat ass

Okay fine we'll do it

J-E-N-N-Y-C-R

Alright

You know Thanksgiving's coming soon

Looking forward to that

Guess I'm target

Is it engaging or not

Tell them that you're tempted by donuts

Okay I can do that

Man this swaffer's gonna hit me

I can feel it

Fuckers

1-800

I thought that was 1-800-95-Jenny

That's what it was in 1995

1995, Jerry.

This shit doesn't ring.

I remember in 1995 they had a commercial.

It was 1-800-9-5-Jenny.

That's right.

All day and night.

Join us.

Call 1-800-456-5600.

That's 1-800-456-5600.

Some phone sex line or something there.

All right, let's make up a...

Come up with a phone sex line.

We'll call it.

We'll see what it sounds like.

Let's think.

The gay ones were always funny.

This is a game I used to play when I was in high school.

Let's go ahead and do 1-800-BLACKBALLS.

B-L-A-C-K

Shit, I fucked it up.

Hang on.

1-800-B-L-A-C-K-B-A

That's a hard one to dial.

Dial the number that is not available from your calling area.

Oh, man.

We can't call it from our calling area, whatever that means.

How about 1-800-FAT-CUNT

1-800-F-A-T-C-U-N-T.

Ooh, it fits.

Babe, stay on the line for a wild and wicked chat.

Or, in other words, all you can eat.

My gorgeous friends and I are ready for you to feast on the sweet treat we have waiting for you.

If you're an experienced caller, you may enter your credit card number at any time.

This call will be billed to your credit card as Frontier or Network Pal.

Menu selections 1 and 3 through 7 will be billed at $4.99.

Unable to process the credit card number you entered.

Because it was zero, stupid.

Okay, so that wasn't as fun, though.

Sometimes there's really funny messages that you can hear.

That one wasn't particularly funny.

She made a little joke there about all you can eat.

That was kind of funny.

Murbis has one.

Murbis, send in your request.

Go ahead.

You can put it in now.

Send it to me in the machine, in your computer machine.

Find out more UK phone numbers, please.

The last call was great.

says new new all right buddy buddy all right buddy new york rangers says i got one i got a 45

year old crackhead number i will win the prize i got a fucking retard you know he's from new york

is it yo i got a fucking retard r-t-r-e-t-a-r-t come on and then yo with three o's all right

uh new york send it in send in your number okay all right you don't you don't need my permission

send it in just send it it's all right buddy don't be nervous it's all right bye bye don't worry we

got more numbers from the uk coming from lonesome loser including the golden crown restaurant and

lounge gloria webb and ernest bonner in the uk the fox city diner in san francisco and charlie

brown's club in fort worth texas oh here's another one jimmy john's gourmet sandwich shop okay okay

now new york rangers are sending to me in all caps so fine all right you know what you're the

the bat you're the boss fa all right asshole put your way let's see if they can pick up every time

i try to give away a prize to these white people uh tuck they never get the numbers right they

don't know how to do it they don't know how to confirm numbers or whatever it is like they never

pick up numbers from white people lonesome losers and white though lonesome losers actually ethnic

i don't i don't like to get the man's business out you guys don't know but he's not a white

i assure you of that lonesome loser is not white he's ethnic good news but i don't think they're

gonna answer leave your message for shit long silences i know folks take it easy i'm trying

to set something up for you guys i want to hear some richie randall calls man it's always funny

man i'm not zolar i am zolar everybody i'm not zolar i ate zolar i killed and ate zolar i am

the fat man who went into zolar's house and killed him and ate him and his dog and yeah i'm gonna

live off of a social security check all right uh murbus i called the number man that was the one

when we just tried to call no one picked up there did you hear that did you hear the phone just

ringing now my friend that was me trying to give your number a call and they didn't pick up so you

lose sir you lose jimmy john's gourmet sandwich chop just a moment hey jimmy hey buddy i'm gonna

make an order for a table machine over there how many spaces you got many spaces how many are the

spaces over there this is for what when i come down i wanted to get an order where i want to

and know how many spaces you've got.

How much is your spaces?

You know you have spaces there

and you come to eat

and you get spaces?

We,

the lobby's empty, so.

No, but how much are the spaces?

They're not the lobby.

I'm talking about your spaces.

How much is?

Yeah, spaces, man.

So what can I get?

I like, uh,

like a light spaces on it.

Light spaces.

Yeah, we don't have spaces,

so stop saying spaces.

What do you mean

stop saying spaces?

Why you gotta say it like that?

Huh?

Why you gotta say it like that, huh?

What?

No, why did you say it like that?

What's that about?

Like, stop saying spaces.

What do you mean stop saying

Stop saying spaces like that

What's that

We don't have spaces

Are you getting fresh with me

Why are you saying it like that

Sandwiches man

I call it spaces

And you say stop saying spaces

Like what are you

What is that

Put your supervisor on the phone

We'll talk to you

Alright

Fucking guy

Fucking spaces spaces

Why is he saying it like that

Huh

He's like

Don't talk about spaces

I don't want you talking about spaces

Like what's that

What's that

Why is he going around

Talking telling people like that

He's not even going to talk about spaces

Huh

I don't know what you're

You're talking about

Well you heard him over there

talking like that

getting fresh with me

what's his problem

huh

all my money's no good

I can't call over here

I call about making spaces

and he's like

don't call it spaces

that's how I call

I call something spaces

what are spaces

come down

I want to

ask him

how much are your spaces

over there

he's like

oh we have spaces

there's spaces

keep saying it back

like what is spaces

what is spaces

and he finally said

he told me to stop

saying spaces

that we don't have spaces

here we don't have

you know

and he said that

I know you people

I really don't know what you're talking about.

What did he mean by, ask him what he meant by saying, I know how you people are.

We sell sandwiches.

Yeah, but what did he mean by, I know how you people are?

What does that mean?

Huh?

I don't know what he meant, because I don't know what the problem is.

Well, ask him, I want to know right now.

Ask him, I want to hear you ask him, what did he mean when he said, I know how you people are?

And I want him to make an answer, and I want to hear it in front of you.

I want you to find out now.

I'm sorry, I really don't know what the problem is.

I command you to get him to answer the question why he said,

I know how you people are to me on the phone.

You do it, or I'm going to talk to Bob Morton.

Bob Morton?

Bob Morton, the news solvers.

I'm personal friends with Bob Morton.

I play.

I'm Valente.

My name is Valente.

I'm personal friends with Bob Morton.

I play golf with him, and I won't tell him.

I don't know who Bob Morton is.

He's on the TV.

He's Bob Morton with the news solvers.

With the news solvers in Columbia?

That's right.

I want you to ask him right now what he meant by saying that I know how you people are.

I don't know what he meant.

Is this the fourth time?

Listen, isn't this the fourth time now that I ask you to ask him what he meant?

I'm not asking what you think it meant.

I'm asking you to ask the gentleman what he meant

by saying he knows how us people understand.

Because he was referring to me as something less than lower class.

Less than him.

You people.

Grouping me into you people.

What does he mean, you people?

I don't know what he means.

Then ask him.

I demand you ask him for the answer.

What are...

I want my answer first.

No, no, I don't give...

Until you find out what he meant, I'm not telling you the answer to that.

No.

I'm sorry, but if you're not ordering any food, then I...

Well, I am ordering...

That was my intention for the spaces, but here you go.

Oh, no.

Now, what do you mean the spaces?

The spaces.

Now, you like that, too.

What are...

Well, what do you mean by spaces?

What do you mean by...

What do you mean by us people?

Ask him.

Go find out.

Ask him now.

Where is he?

Maybe he thought you were...

Well, it seems to me like you're very evasive

and you'll do anything to get out of having to ask him this question.

I think maybe he thought you were prank calling or something

because he didn't understand what was going on.

Did I ask you?

Again, did I ask you what you think?

Or am I not ordering you to ask him now while I listen

so I can hear his answer to you?

Okay, hold on just a second.

All right.

He said he didn't know what you were talking about.

No, but he said, I know how you people are.

You just messed it up

Because you said

I know what you people think

Ask him what he meant

By you people

That he was grouping me

What does he think

Us people are

Did you ever say you people

He does not

Call a thing you people

Well I do

And I have it on tape

You have it on tape

Yeah

I record all my calls

Your sauce sucks

My sauce

Yeah your sauce over there sucks

Anything to order then

I'm going to have to

Cat's breath smells like cat food

That's not my fault

Weeman says

That the number that he gave

That I fucked up

The number that he gave me

That it's going to give

The same number

to Zolar, that Zolar's gonna do better.

You know what? Fuck you, alright?

Isn't that the number that no one even picked up, you stupid

horse's shit? You stupid horse's ass?

How did I mess it up if the fucker didn't even answer

the phone, you dumbass? Stupid.

Yeah, I sure fucked that one up.

By not telepathically commanding the person

to pick up the phone for your bum number.

Dumbass. My bad. My bad.

Yo, I fucked that up. Yo, you fucked that up,

fatty. Yo, Khalil, you fuckin'

sucked. You fucked it up.

Why'd he give me that number?

they didn't pick up you suck yo anyway i got about like one more prank calling me here

it's called the uk i love waking up fuckers in the uk gloria webb sx england why not going on

big girl how you doing hey how you doing hey big girl how you doing the number here what's this

another number so i was sent the number for dorians dorians i gotta scroll up for it i didn't catch

it as for costa he was my boss number because i don't know i'm out of here i'm done i'm tired

Just about

I'm going to do one more here

It's a shame

We've got some

Promising numbers here

Fox City Diner

Golden Crown Restaurant

Etc, etc

But, you know

Ernest Bonner will be

The last prank call

The night of here

He'll probably go nowhere

One of those nights

I don't know

Because they blocked him

They blocked the fucking

Curses, man

The cost of this call

Is two cents per minute

The fucking curses

Are blocked

I mean, come on

That's our ghost shit

I'll do it

With the CK

It's very queer of him

It's okay

BG answer 1571

Fuck you.

BT shit.

Dorians, yo.

Dorians.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, DeLorean.

I still want to buy a DeLorean.

There's a company out in Texas that makes them.

That bought all the spare parts and, yeah, they had enough and they didn't get finished production.

I think they release like 100-something a year.

If I want to get one, then I'm actually going to trick it outside.

Hey, Dorian.

Yes.

What's going on?

I want to make a reservation for one of those pizza machines.

I understand you don't have that much pizza there anymore, right?

You just do other kind of stuff?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

One moment.

All right.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I want to make an order for one of the machines.

Yeah, how much of your space is over there?

No, we're a pizza shop, right?

Yeah, I want one of those pizza machines.

Oh, the pizza machines?

Yeah.

I do not know what that is.

No, I'm not trying to make, no, you don't want pizza, pizza machine.

Pizza machine.

Yeah.

So you want a pizza, correct?

Yeah, yeah, pizza machine.

I can help you on a pizza, on a pizza machine.

Put down one pizza machine.

No sauce, cheese, pepperoni.

Pepperoni.

No sauces.

No sauce, so just cheese, pepperoni, pizza dough.

Yeah, steak meats.

That about fucking moron.

Excuse me, I must hang up.

Ryan terminate the call please.

It sounded like Ryan terminate the call.

Ryan terminate the call please.

That's what it said, it sounded like the guy from like Paul.

Call please.

Poor Ryan.

His name is Simeon the monkey.

Monkey.

Sit me in like a monkey.

I'm thinking about it.

Our manufacturer came up with a car that did 170 miles a gallon right now.

Yep.

Just a little bit.

Suave is confirming we need to call him Goatfucker.

All right, fine.

It just takes me one click of the mouse here to redial it.

I told you that this man was not supposed to get on the phone

and talk rude to me like that and to refuse to take my order.

Okay.

So finish the order for me right now

or I'll put a man on the phone who's going to finish it right.

I'm sorry, we are not taking your order.

I command you to take my order.

No, we are not going to take your order.

You are under orders to take my order.

I don't want to do anything.

Put on the man on the phone right now.

No, you're a woman, and I'm going to speak to women to conduct business.

No, you're a woman.

Put the man on the phone right now, you fucking little shit.

I tell these women, I'm not respecting women.

Why is that being your face?

Sorry, he wants me to call him a fucking go-fucker.

All right, fine, I'll do it.

Connecting again.

You got it, man.

Whatever you want, man.

I'm gonna do it.

Fucker.

Okay, why don't you come here and make the order,

because you obviously are smoking some shit.

I don't understand what you're saying.

You're a goat fucker, dumb son of a bitch.

I'm gonna come down there and pull all your leg hairs out.

You don't want me to go down there.

Put it down for one pizza machine.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Just write it down, you son of a bitch.

Pizza machine.

I'm trying to think who the fuck this might be.

Stupid.

Who?

Stupid.

I got you.

I put it in.

It's already in, dog.

Pizza machine with what?

Pepperoni and steak meats.

Pepperoni, no sauce, no nothing.

I got you.

Stake me

Say it

I did say it

No say it now

Say stake me

I don't play games man

Say stake me

I only play video games

That's all I play

I don't play video games

Can you put a man on the phone please

Can you put a man on the phone

This is the man

So what can I do for you

I'm speaking to a boy

I don't like to speak to a man

Oh a boy got a beard

Uh huh

And he'll probably

Alright you know what

Do you have

Do you have your

Do you have your papers

Listen you're fucking retarded

you're fucking retarded

alright bye

you have your papers

damn it

I meant to ask him

about the papers

Tuck I didn't get that far

his name is Simi

his name is Monkey

doesn't Simi mean monkey

monkey

yeah

I don't know

Kokanee wouldn't know

because he is one

that doesn't make any sense

a lot to announce

on my

fantasy football team

one by one point

this week

I've got three players

on uh

I've got

I had to pick up

Joseph Adidai

or Adidai

I don't even know

how to pronounce his name

I've got Peyton Manning

as my quarterback

you know my fantasy

comprised of a bunch of

buxom young women

running around the field

man you should have

fucked those girls

that came to your farm

to take those pictures

they're like yeah

but you gotta suck this

that's what I would have done

no kidding

I screwed that up

yeah man

they totally went up for it

Corrupt Corruption

scored 139

and what

are you talking about

something else there

KC

or are you talking about

fantasy football

that's pretty good

i think i scored a 97 that's what we're talking about yeah a really good week if you scored a 139

man that's like bowling numbers right there ball espn football bro what's up that's for me too

brother man uh yeah 10 team standard right on me too man that's me as i'm in the league just like

that had to pick it publicly because no one wanted to invite me to their own league like i

i don't know every year i come on the show and i say hey let's all start a fantasy football league

and all these most of these people listen to like nerds a lot of nerds a lot of kids uh you know

don't go outside a lot they have vitamin c vitamin d deficiencies because they don't get a lot of

light a lot of these uh look at todd i mean come on you can you imagine talking throwing a football

you've seen the picture of the guy talk i want you to put a video of yourself throwing a football

on youtube for me i'd like to see that okay get it take your decision uh show's over thank you

to everyone who listened. Thank you to the Zolar people.

We had fun with that last call.

The whole Madhouse Radio thing

got dropped on its ass recently here

a few weeks ago, so that's why things aren't

100%, but I assure you, things

will improve in the next few weeks.

For our podcast listeners, we haven't had an update

in about, oh,

two, well, five weeks.

That's just about

ready. I've got a new episode ready

to be uploaded already. I'm going to be doing that

pretty soon. There's a lot of prank calls over

at our website. That's over at manhouse.com.

Are we going to do the episodes again? No, just

prank calls, my friend. What are they going to do?

What I'll do? I'm just going to condense the

prank calls from each episode into a

compilation, and that'll be what gets

released. Alright, for now.

For now. I don't know what they want to hear anyway, right?

That's all you guys want is prank calls.

You don't care about me. Alright, we'll catch you

next week. Thank you. We'll listen to Zolar tomorrow

night at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,

6 p.m. Pacific. Visit kokanee.ca

and visit

Visit tuckermike.com.

Thank you.

Calls (13, 1 h 2 min of 1 h 31 min)

Transcript

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