Sign Language on The Phone

I am a man and you are a woman, so you will do what I say.

Go put him on the phone.

Will Bookery, you're not bossing me around, mate.

We don't do things like this in England.

Well, this is America, first of all.

I'm calling from America.

I can do sign language on the phone for him.

Well, how can you do that?

He wouldn't understand that.

Yes, he can.

Listen, listen.

See?

You are listening to the House Radio Podcast.

I was 15 years old and went to my Green Day concert.

and they came out

and the first thing

they says

hey all you

fucking assholes

pissed off

fuck you man

I didn't even like

Green Day that much

some guy was like

hey man

a friend of mine

in school was like

I got an extra

Green Day ticket

it's free if you

want to go

I'm like yeah

sure I'll go

I'm also here

that Billy Joel

when they piss on the

crowd that's usually

when they get pissed

at crowds

no he just

he comes out

like it's just

the beginning of

the concert

he comes right out

beginning of the

concert like

hey you motherfuckers

and they start

playing like some

song out of Duke

and I'm like

what the fuck

it was like

when they were

were first coming out i was like 95 but still i was like what the fuck's wrong with these guys

just come out like fuck you i was still innocent young and naive i was like oh well of course

they'll be so nice to you when they come on the stage like hi thanks for coming thank you for

coming to our concert i was like hey you motherfuckers and that's how this all started

hi everybody madhouse radio for a thursday night big surprise uh october 22nd starting rather

We're starting rather timely.

About time, man.

Hi, Milkman, how are you?

All right, then, Tuck, how you doing, man?

No, no, no, you lost.

You fucked that chance up.

No, no.

What's happening, my brother?

Put it on mute.

No, you fucked that up.

Tuck, you get first, Debs.

How you doing tonight, Tuck?

Just so we all get in.

All right, Milkman, and what's your rebuttal?

Milkman, what are you doing?

You making toilet?

Be honest.

Go ahead, go ahead, man.

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead, man.

Go ahead.

Milkman, it's good to see you around.

I hope everything is well with you.

I understand you had another injury to your ankle again.

The same ankle, the left ankle, the right ankle.

What happened this time, exactly?

You got stuck in a wheel?

Milkman, you should have slow and gay.

He's on some dial-up delay.

What's going on?

He's just sitting there.

Why is he nothing but a green light for Milkman?

No green light for Milkman, actually, no.

All right, Milkman.

I don't know what's wrong with Milkman.

Nunu ordering Milkman to show his tits until Maven gets here.

followed with a please um i did update a podcast like i promised i don't know i don't know maybe

she's got a roll of toilet paper um up there because she's bleeding uh milkman and uh tucker

here as i said i'm carlito i wanted to mention i did update the podcast with a new episode last

week uh i really want to get to editing last week's uh show though it was pretty funny we had

a lot of international calls who do we call then we call some crazy places we called vietnam right

right this girl got into me in vietnam yeah i think it was crazy i can't remember it all yeah

no and i called the ussr also wanted to mention zoar had sent me uh he called me last night on

the local news i haven't seen youtube video this yet he doesn't have he only had a sellers on the

local news no no no no he was watching the local news and there was a news report about uh prank

calls in cairo egypt apparently like uh cell phones or i guess some carrier moved into cairo

A new cell phone carrier moved into Cairo, Egypt, the Cairo area,

and they're offering very affordable cell phones.

So a lot of women are starting to get cell phones for the first time in Cairo, Egypt.

And there's a lot of men who are prank calling random cell phone numbers

and harassing them sexually or just prank calling them and stuff like that.

And it's become a big thing, a big problem over there, prank calls to women.

And if you can imagine what an Egyptian guy's prank calling a random woman would sound like,

would it be like, you know, I can see your face?

You know, I hear they do something really creepy over there.

They're probably just turned on because, like, oh, yeah, I'm looking at your face.

I can see your legs and your hair.

Your hair sticking out of your hair.

I watch you wearing jeans.

I don't know.

I want to sit down on the table next to you when we are not married.

I want to talk to you when you are not my wife.

That is what a prank call would sound like.

A weird creepy guy.

Can you imagine?

That's how they creep people from Egypt.

I can see your face, everybody.

Let's see what numbers we got here from Lonesome Loser, Lonesome Loser, Lonesome Loser, Lonesome Loser.

Sending in numbers here for the Rainbow Room.

Smarties Mart, an Indian guy answered there, Las Vegas.

We got Rude Dogs, Nightclub in Covina, California.

We got the Foyo Restaurant, Tayo, Yo Philly, Sushi Yo Sushi, Yo Yo Restaurant, Sleepy Hollow Motor Inn,

the Kebab Land, Ali's Kebab, an Arab guy answered there in Eugene, Oregon.

Kebab Station, an arid woman answered there in Denver, Colorado.

The Kebab Shack in Portland.

Milkman has quit.

End of the Road Inn is in Pavilion, New York.

Where's Pavilion, New York?

That place sounds interesting.

And then we've got some hotels in China.

Also here.

China, everybody.

Natural Instinct, right here in the madhouse.

That's right.

I wanted to hear a prank call at Reclude.

I was eating a burrito today, and I was thinking about KDK.

And I was thinking, remember this one time Reclude and I,

You were eating a burrito, and you thought of KDK.

Yeah, quite literally.

I don't know how to explain it, but that's what happened.

I was eating a burrito, and I was thinking about KDK.

And I remember this one time me and Recklood were hanging out on a Wednesday night,

and Recklood said, hey, let's talk with KDK.

Is he on the air?

And I said, yeah, he is.

And I called, and I did a voice changer thing, and KDK was like, eww.

It was really dumb.

But then Recklood did this thing where he called in with the old lady voice

and tricked them and like kdk knew it was reclude and he got like really offended and sad about it

right so i'm gonna listen to that i haven't heard it i i just remembered it and i haven't heard it

since way back when but it's been about two years since maybe i've heard this is split i'm gonna do

a shot number two right now i'll do a count off for you five four three two one drink oh my phone

wow that was reclude calling in being really awful and

and evil, and negative. I'm very disappointed.

Reclude, I really thought you were a better person than that.

Man, I'm in shock.

What I really mean to say is what a backstabbing, cocksucking prick.

What a fucking asshole.

What somebody that I doted respect on, and now he stabs me in the back like everybody else.

See what I have to deal with?

Reclude, I hope you have a retarded child.

You know, Reclude, I could ask you the same thing.

saying, why didn't you kill yourself after your woman left you? Because she was hot and

you're a fucking mess. You should go kill yourself. My ex-boyfriend was a hunchback

retard. I can do better. He won't, because he's a fucking hunchback retard. And on the

line, we supposedly have Hell's Fury here. Fuck Hell's Fury. That was interesting. It's

always funny. Because Katie Case is so drunk, he's like, hey.

Yeah, but when I

haven't heard it, I did laugh again when I heard that.

It's kind of funny, though.

Because KDK is drunk off his ass like,

that's not a very good thing,

those sly raccoons.

What are we clapping?

What do we do, then? Let's call these cab-obs.

We're going to call for some cab-obs.

Nunu's recommending that we do the Egyptian

creepy prank to a woman here in the U.S.

Good idea. I think we can do that.

Welcome, man.

Hey, welcome, man.

Hey, I don't know if this is right.

My connection's like shit tonight, man.

Yes.

That hotel room connection, man, I'm telling you.

That'll do it.

You're being throttled.

I'm having fun talking to Sprint.

They've been having all kinds of shit going on here.

I hear you, man.

All right, let's do it, everybody.

First prank call of the night's coming right now.

We're calling Ali Kabobs.

Guess what, guys?

I'm very gassy today.

I'm going to get in a fart position.

I think I might be able to fart on the phone.

It's always fun.

I'm losing it, though.

Before I lose it, this is Ali Kabobs.

I'm going to answer the phone.

I was late.

Okay, well open the doors.

orders and get ready to do it. You got to take my order first.

Tom and I? Yes, from Orlando.

Did you hear?

No, did you hear?

Where are you from? What's your ethnicity?

We don't let Syrian people in our place.

You sound Syrian. Even if you're Mexican.

No, no, no, we're not talking about me. We're talking about you

and your subpar washing abilities

and the fact that people don't wash your hands when you go to the bathroom.

You talk about yourself first, man.

No, no, no, no, I have.

You guys were in the newspaper.

Yes, we are, sure.

Yeah, you're in the newspaper. You failed inspection

and that there were people not washing their hands

when they went to the bathroom there.

It was a microfiche.

How did you know?

Yeah?

When did you read that?

I read that in the paper when we go to the...

In the library archives.

In the archives.

2001.

Say something, man.

No, no, no, but it says right.

It says that the people were shut down twice,

that you had fines,

and that there were people not washing their hands in the bathroom

and coming back,

and that you were mixing the poultry

and not cleaning the surfaces.

Uh-huh. I read it in what? What? 2001?

Yeah, you didn't clean the surfaces. You had unclean, poor surfaces.

No, that was the time I had a good time in the bathroom.

Does that mean going to the bathroom with myself?

You were playing with yourself in the bathroom?

I came home, I conserved you, and I didn't wash my hands.

I thought perhaps you were going to enjoy the food better.

Okay. Well, I did enjoy it, though.

Did you like that kind of stuff, or were you washing my hands?

No, no, I don't like it. Dirty's fine. That's fine.

Don't come in then. So what did you call? How fool are you?

How many fathers do you have?

Why are you full of yourself more and more and more and more?

How many fathers do you have?

Do you know how to stop fooling yourself?

How many fathers do you have?

Many. How many do you have?

You have five fathers.

You don't know your mother was with so many men that...

Why is that?

Because your mother's...

First father, I mean so-called, is Benjamin Franklin.

The second one...

One father, because my mother's not promiscuous.

The job I teach you...

I had one father...

If you want to talk, I love it.

Sir, you're not making any sense.

Why I don't make any sense? Why?

Because it's not a bad thing.

You keep interrupting me.

Sir, I can't help you if you keep interrupting me.

I didn't ask you to help me.

Well, no, you called me here.

You're looking for help.

I'm calling back, so.

No, no, I have it here in my log.

I have it right here in my log, sir, that you called.

Listen, listen, I've got to hear my log.

I'm going to read it to you.

Listen, Ali's Kebab called in at 9.48 p.m.

An Arab guy called in at 9.48 p.m. from 7th and Taylor from Ali Kebabs.

So, why did you call?

Valente and Associates.

What area do you live, you fool?

Portland.

Closed almost for two years.

Uh-huh, but you...

So what are you talking about?

But you have an outstanding warrant.

Whom?

I don't have one outstanding warrant.

I have three.

You have out...

And what the fuck do you want to do about it?

I'm going to go over there and push you around.

What's the matter?

Are you being...

I'm not going to talk to you the way you do.

You never start in your life.

Are you being fresh?

You?

No, I'm not fresh.

I told you I was just playing with myself.

Okay, so tell me the truth about your five fathers.

Why was your mother...

Why do you not know who your real father is?

No, you have five men that had sex with your mother all the time,

so you don't know which one is your real father.

Yeah, my mother was having sex with my father.

Yes, busted.

You asshole.

Nobody was listening to this conversation.

Respond to the people.

Okay, I'll let you go.

The radio, all the people, they hear, you know, what kind of fool you are.

98.6

Madhouse Radio, 98.6 The Mouth

You are, you are

You are going fast

Try to hunt somebody

And you don't know how the fuck you're doing

I know you're

You to do this

Actually I came here to pick up your mother from the whorehouse

She's off, mother

Because she's done working for the day

English language are you?

No you didn't say an English word

Stupid asshole you didn't say an English word

You said something in Arabic

I see.

Your mother's...

You're so fucking stupid.

It's all the same as a bunch of...

I don't make any distinction.

Father, they have to have a...

Sister's dead, so...

Yeah, so we can't talk about her.

Hey, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no.

Don't...

Also, your mother likes...

Yeah, I'll be into that.

Yeah, she likes having sex with women.

Well, your mother's going to teach me Arabic.

to my restaurant

and have my special?

No.

No, you don't wash your hands.

I'm not going to do that.

You don't wash your hands.

Hey,

I'll give you a dick kebab

to eat.

You care about

if my hand was washed or not?

You're getting the real thing

about why I was

putting my dick.

I'm going to serve you

a dick kebab.

It's long and skinny then, right?

Come, please.

I enjoy talking to you.

I like talking to men, right?

It makes you aroused?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, definitely.

I have a penis

and two testicles, sir.

Never hang up

and go to somebody else.

No, no, no, no.

I have plenty from your mother.

Okay, your mother. I'd say I'm from the house. No, not really

Okay, I'm from the toilet masturbating

Yes, weird fucking guy man

Hey guys is fun to talk to

Chewing a lot of cat

You need to say bogs on testers and big mavens in the house

yeah of course mia's here also big mia all the big girls are here tonight

nick gambino saying yeah yeah true we gotta call that dude back later

the fuck is this deal it's a hotel if you're how you asshole you know what is he's got five

fathers was he saying his forefathers how does he know about that stuff i guess you gotta i heard

that like if you if you have to study to become you know a legal immigrant to get your citizenship

you end up learning a lot more than the average high school student

like this in history and stuff.

God, yeah.

Basically stuff like that.

You end up learning more

than like the average high school student probably.

Not average college student.

True, you do.

Yeah.

Seriously, workforces and shit.

There was a woman once

at a job I had in a bank.

She was studying for it.

She was studying for it

and we were like hanging out

and reading the questions

and we were trying to quiz each other.

And a lot of them were hard.

It's like, you know,

which amendment does this?

I'm like, I don't fucking know.

It's not a motherfucking amendment.

Yeah, you go, Maeve, baby.

Big titties from Maeve.

All right.

All right, everybody.

That was the first prank of the day.

That was not bad.

All right, cool.

We got those hotels in China here to hit up in a little bit.

Let's try to stay a little domestic at first so these people don't shut down on us.

Lonesome Loser worked hard to confirm these numbers, and I think we should respect them for that.

The Rainbow Room is a bar and grill, and they're in here.

What can we talk to you about a bar and grill?

I should say I lost my wallet.

That's always fun.

Throw in some spaces in there.

Wow, it's not too far from here.

It's about like 20 miles south from here.

Yeah?

Good.

You should go there and take a shit, big shit in the toilet and break it.

I took a big shit.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right, cool.

Everybody, next prank call, I promise, coming right up.

You call me an Adam, Adam, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many fathers again?

Five?

For me?

This week we were telling Russians, what was it?

We were telling them that Stalin was a homosexual.

No, no, no, that Lenin was a homosexual.

No, Stalin, Stalin, right?

We were saying Stalin was gay.

That's the deal.

Stalin and Lenin.

or homosexuals.

What's up with you, Hollywood?

What's your website again?

Tell everyone.

The impossible to find website.

The impossible.

HollywoodVanyaPranks.com

And Vanya is spelled how?

V-A-N-J-A

Okay.

The Pirated Horror Movies.

Pirated Horror Movies.

Okay.

I don't know where that comes from,

but all right.

Hey, guys.

I got a lot of prank calls here

that we need to get to.

Hollywood, are you down for that?

Or did you want to talk about

something at first,

which we can do?

Ooh, Iran!

Everybody, breaking news.

We got a number in Iran here, everybody.

Let's see here.

International in Sanya, okay?

Grand East Sea Tourist

Area, Sanya City, Hainan,

oh, that's China. Where's the China?

Here we go. I'm sorry, reading the wrong one.

Estegal International Hotel on the corner

of Valley E. Asser Street

and Chamron Expressway.

They have expressways in Iran. This is in

Tehran. What do you think, Hollywood? You got an

idea? Hollywood. I'm sure

I will come up with one on the

spot. Okay, well, we're on that.

I'm going to actually... Are you in the chat room?

I'm going to copy-paste you this shit right here.

I am in the chat room.

Let me copy-paste you some shit here real quick.

Give me a second.

The thing won't go up.

Very nice.

Very good.

Thank you, MIRC, for always fucking up as usual.

I've got Asian.

I've got kebabs right now.

And I've got the hotels in China.

I've also got a few hotels here in the United States also.

So I'm going to send you a selection of what I have here, Hollywood.

You tell me what you think you would like to prank call.

We'll call that.

You get the first one.

Then I get the next one.

You know how we normally do this.

So, did you get my message that I uploaded some unedited content?

You said if you had a chance, you might try to edit a few prank calls of you, if you get a chance.

I got your text message?

Yeah, I sent you a text that I had uploaded that.

Yeah, yeah.

That was when I was in practice.

Okay, yeah.

Well, don't feel obligated, but if you get a chance to edit one show, you do,

and between you and I, we could probably get a lot of prank calls up here in the next week or two.

I'll check.

Awesome, awesome.

All right, you should have gotten a plethora of numbers there.

You tell me what you think.

Don't fall asleep.

it'll fall asleep marty's mark you see that mark yeah that was kind of fun yeah smarty's mark in

las vegas which is eight which is the last guy we talked to he said that we were from las vegas so

maybe he's on to something that we're not so let's get on it hang on hollywood i'm going

to work brother all right i know i know father was trying to call him what's going on that's

hollywood i gotta do this call on my own then sorry guys i don't know the phone crashed and

hello hello hello hello hi yeah i can hear you yes yes finally thank you what took you so long

oh okay all right cool cool don't go anywhere let's i'm gonna hit flash and hopefully it

doesn't do it again hopefully it's not a phone thing crush your fingers crush your cock

no no no every time i hit flash it doesn't want to

how long give me your phone number so i can conference you that we'll try reverse ways

fuck it does it sometimes i don't know it might be his phone remember how i remember

Remember, Recloots does it, too.

Hello.

I don't know what's going on.

You know, it did this with Recloots' phone.

Like, he had a certain phone line that every time I hit conference on it,

it would always drop him, and just that one.

This is my cell phone.

Send me your cell phone number, and I'll try to do it reverse.

I'll call them first, and then conference you in.

Okay.

All right.

I don't know if it's feasible.

We had to do it really quickly, and we'll give it a try.

And, well, anyway, since that's going on here, let's go ahead and give a call to China.

All right, China here, the Shang-Chi Grand Hotel in Shang-Chi, China, everybody.

Still haven't gotten the phone number.

Yeah, hi, how you doing, big girl?

Yes,

hi, it's the Republic of China.

Yes, this is the People's Republic of China.

How much is this call?

Ni hao.

Ni hao ma.

Ni hao.

Qing chong.

Can I help you?

Yes, hi, yes, I wanted to make a recommendation, please.

You want to make a reservation?

No, listen, your people were supposed to come pick me up from the airport,

and I'm still waiting here like an asshole.

Who is this that I'm speaking to?

You reserve a hotel, but no one to pick up you?

No one to pick up me.

No, that's right.

Yes, we have...

Wait a moment, please.

Hurry up.

Can I have your name, please?

This is Vagina.

Or...

I'm sorry?

English or China.

No, no, no.

My name is Vagina Asshole.

And...

Do you know how to spell that?

To make the reservation?

No, no.

My name is Vagina Asshole.

You said...

Look me up in your computer for my reservation.

Vagina Asshole.

My middle name is Taint.

You make the reservation.

Vagina tea asshole

Just myself

Have the company of a nice lady

Later on if you know what I mean

How about you suck my cock for your citizenship

You are in the first floor no

Uh huh yeah

I don't care wherever

Can you see a girl with

A red coat

You can talk to her

And this is our hotel

Let me get this right

If I see a girl with a red coat I can talk to her

And this is the hotel room staff

Yes, you can come with her, and you can come to our hotel, okay?

The girl in the raincoat?

Yes, you can see it, and black, and black trousers, and, and red coat, can you see?

Does she have squinty eyes and black hair?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, okay, oh, I see her, I see her right now, yeah.

I'll tell, I'll tell her.

Oh, yeah, tell her, please.

Yeah, thank you.

Mm-hmm, bye.

Asshole.

Returning to main menu.

What the fuck?

Yeah, y'all feel sick, girl?

That was mean.

Yeah.

Vagina Taint Asshole.

That's my name.

I'm going to say that's my name the rest of the night.

Vagina Asshole.

Middle name Taint.

That's a hard place to call.

Yeah, no kidding, man.

It's like pulling teeth.

Pulling teeth from a Chinaman.

There you go.

Zolar says I have to shut down Justin.TV and change it from entertainment to social.

That's a lot of work, man.

Zolar, I don't know.

Is Zolar going to be on tomorrow on Lego Station?

Lego was on last night.

I had a good show.

Zolar, you change it.

Don't have us changing.

You change it.

Now you're changing, man.

Well, this is Zola.

I'm going to sit back here.

He's probably sitting there all comfortable in his boxer, smoking drugs, in his chair,

nice, comfortable leather chair all the center.

Oh, yeah.

You need to do this and do that.

Do this, do that.

I'm Zola.

Zola, why don't you break us off a little bit and help us out, huh?

What do you think you are?

Yeah, exactly.

Break us off a little bit.

Break us off some switching of the Justin, Mr. Computer Man.

Kidding Zola

I don't know if Zola's gonna be on tomorrow

But he should be

And if he's not

Hello

Come on kid

Is that an asshole?

Get it right

Ni hao ma

What's going on with you kid?

Ni hao ma

Good deal

How you been?

I haven't talked to you in what

Like four weeks now

Listen listen

That's me right there

I'm serious

You wanna do a prank call

Or you wanna just make funny noises?

I don't know

Okay

What's a prank call?

Alright you want a prank call

You wanna call China?

Japan?

What are you making like recommendations

Oh yeah call Japan

Let me see

Let me see if I have Japan here

No I got Iran

But Iran is for me

Not for you

I've got

China.

The Guesthouse International in China.

You ready?

All right, me too.

Let's do it.

All right, cool.

I want you to just talk shit in the background just like you are right now, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Let's do it.

It's not going to be conference.

Did you see that?

I did it right now.

I don't know if it's a Google Voice thing or what.

I think we might need to get the toll-free line again, guys.

Shit, that's not good.

That is some bullshit right there.

I'm going to pick another way around it.

Give me a second.

Let me configure something.

I'm going to play a prank call here from the past while I try to get a way around this

This failure of us, inability to conference fucking calls here.

We've done this before.

Don't worry.

Don't panic, everybody.

Hollywood Vine has sent me his number also.

That's good.

Good news.

Good to know.

Recommendations for a prank call we can play.

Milkman or Tuck.

Or Kokanee for that matter.

We've got a whole list of them here.

There's one called the Bible Machine.

Nigger Cab.

You know, Milkman, it's Nigger Cab, first of all.

You just take any opportunity you can to drop that N-word, man.

You're going to get your ass kicked one day.

one day he's gonna be like oh nigger nigger nigger and he's gonna get killed

all right hang on let me get work on that okay

look sir i got a man over here he done diarrhea all over himself we need to get him out the bar

I'll give you a fucking man who got rid of the stuff when you see the fucking brain about sticking your ass. Who the fuck are you?

Listen here, sir. Now, I don't understand you. I don't appreciate your violence with me.

Now, I'm the manager here at the bar, and I need to get this man out of here. He drunk and he can't drive.

Now, are you gonna help me out or not? Turkey-ass motherfucker, what is your problem now?

Turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy. You don't talk to me like that now.

Who are you? You damn racist people over here, random car taxi couple. You gonna come pick the man up or not?

You drive, turkey motherfucker.

Who you speak to, son? What's your name? Let me speak to your manager.

I don't know, but you better talk white in about three seconds or your ass is going to be fucking knowing something about fucking off button.

Now, I need to know if you can come pick up your man or not.

Where the hell are you?

Over here at Dicky Doo's in Deberry.

Dicky Doo's?

Yeah.

Man, you just show me a place, dude. I'm about to come whoop some motherfucker's ass because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge, you guy? Pick somebody up over here at the taxi cab.

This ain't no motherfucking taxi cab.

This is a taxi.

Come fucking pick somebody up. I'm going to whoop this goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, and your goddamn mother.

What?

Mother, your mother.

You motherfucking nigger, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a motherfucking nigger, you son of a bitch.

You nigger, motherfucker.

He's probably a nigger, man.

What?

You don't, sir, who's speaking to Michael Frasier?

Man, I'm a motherfucking, this is a private goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggers calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen boy, listen boy, listen boy, listen boy.

I'll show you a boy with a 12-gig shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

I don't know that three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

Hollywood.

All right, we're going to try this again.

Cross your fingers.

Hopefully this works.

If not, there's problems.

All right, everybody.

Three, two, one.

What the fuck is going on with Google Voice, everybody?

I don't know, cracker.

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I don't know.

Maybe that's weird.

I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

I'll see you here in your taxi.

I don't want you in there in your gas tank.

I don't give a shit about gas tanks.

I don't know who the fuck you are.

Who you?

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is a motherfucking white man.

Shut up.

I'm going to have the wrong number then.

Yeah, you got the fucking wrong number, so fucking don't call this number again.

Listen here.

Hang on.

Listen here.

You tell me where the fuck you are and I'm going to come in and shoot you right now.

Hello, this is David, the manager here at the bar.

What seems to be a problem?

I don't care what the fuck it's a problem, but someone's calling up my goddamn phone.

I ain't a fucking taxi driver.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, listen to me.

you calling my disestablishment plenty of times now and i'm gonna have a trace why are you calling

here being violent we've had some guy calling here making racist comments before is this him

he called making racist comments i'm calling racist comments now because i want to hear some

Leroy over here Leroy over here saying you're calling him a nigger and stuff i'm calling him

a nigger because he's calling my guy in phones why do you have to call people nigger for what's

your problem is this the tech we call it a taxi service and trying to get in touch with mr frank

you know i was wondering what it was in the background where he goes at the end there he

that was you know something he said something there i don't know i don't know why i cut it off

i would yes this is the right one all right so so let's try to get let's let's see if it's a

landline thing or a google voice thing if i hit conference here it shouldn't drop us

in theory okay so you uh you want to try that one that we're going to do before then smarty smart

there were an indian guy that answered in las vegas right all right hey now please just you

know positive wishes pixie dust whatever it is that you believe in i don't know what religion

you are whatever it may be but just fucking do it now because i know we got big trouble

where's pixie does get it's in orlando magic kingdom okay good it works this way kooka do

you want a google voice yes hi this is uh marty okay um uh do you have any uh specials tonight on

i'm so sorry i'm sick um can you hold on for me i have a customer what can you hold for me i have

a customer you're gonna cut a customer in half what you're gonna eat a customer okay go ahead

Did he hang up or hold?

What's going on with you, Hollywood?

How's he doing?

Oh, no, he didn't.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the phone key.

For international numbers, this is a free call.

Order him to apologize, Hollywood.

You know what to do.

Play that here.

I remember all that fun we used to have, parent calling for jobs on Monday mornings.

Oh, those were good times.

Look, man, did you get any...

Yes, sir.

How dare you hang up on me?

Yeah, I have a customer...

Hey, you didn't have to hang up on me.

You could have put the phone down.

I could have listened to your whole transaction.

There's no reason you should have hung up on me, sir.

I had a simple question, and all you had to do was answer it when you got through with your customer.

But you hung up on me.

Now you've pissed me off.

I'm a stripper.

I've been stripping all night.

And now I'm going to come there, and I'm going to rip your freaking throat out.

You understand me, you asshole?

Thanks.

Sorry about that.

No, you can be sorry about it, but here's the thing.

I didn't hang up.

I just put the phone down.

No, you didn't.

You hung up on me, you jerk.

So here's the deal.

You don't have any hot dogs ready.

Huh?

You don't have any hot dogs ready.

That's all I wanted to ask.

No.

And you hung up on me.

I didn't hang up.

If I did, sorry.

You hung up on me.

I just put the phone down.

Sorry.

Oh, you didn't.

You hung up on me.

What kind of phone do you have?

Is it one that hangs up on the...

Is it a cellular phone or is it...

What kind of phone is it?

It's a...

You tell me.

What's the model number?

I just put the phone down.

I didn't hang up.

What's your name first?

No, what is your name first?

Who's this?

This is Summer Big Johnson.

And I told you, what is your name, sir?

Why?

Your name is why?

I mean, like, what, what, just tell me what you want, and I'm going to tell you.

I told you, you, you, all you had to do was answer my question.

Now you have come down this path, and here is what's going to happen.

You tell me your name right now.

Get.

Your name is Gay?

G-E-T.

Get.

Mm-hmm.

What, what's your last name, Alife?

Huh?

Is your last name Alife?

Is that what you, you trying to play games with me now?

No, I'm not playing, oh, my God.

Okay, what do you want?

I'm going to ask you, what do you want?

I want to know, you know what?

Hang on.

I'm going to get my boyfriend.

Just a minute.

Everything's cool.

I don't know what's wrong with her.

Huh?

Anything.

Who's the temptationist, man?

Why?

Your name is why?

I'm going to ask you.

Do you have a question or what?

Yeah, hang on.

Let me get my girlfriend back on.

Well, did my boyfriend tell you what's going to happen?

Mm-hmm.

See, I told you.

I bet you're quaking in your boots now, aren't you?

Oh, no, no.

Don't worry about that.

Okay.

Do you have any hot dogs ready?

ready? No, I don't have any hot dogs. I already told you. Okay, what do you have ready tonight

to eat? I don't know, some sandwiches or something? You like sandwiches? How much is your gas?

How much is your gas? $2.53. You, you, you are in trouble. You, that is an FCC regulation.

You are not supposed to do that over the phone. I'm calling the police right now. What? I'm

still with the price, the gas price on the phone? You know what? That is, that is illegal

to do. And I did that on purpose to get you, I'm recording this entire call. Did you know

Okay, it's okay. Why don't you come in the morning and talk to the manager?

No, I want to talk to you. Your name is Get-A-Life, right?

Yeah, I'm just a clerk. If you want to talk to the manager, you can talk to the manager.

Okay, here's the deal. Okay, so this is Smarty-Smart, right?

Okay, I am part of Mensa. If I come in there and buy a sandwich, do I get a discount for being in Mensa?

What kind of discount?

For being in Mensa. So you're so dumb, you don't know what Mensa is, do you?

There is no discount.

Okay, do you know what Mensa is?

No.

Just the same as Mensa Trading. I'm Mensa Trading right now.

I'm going to come in there and bleed all over you.

Oh, my God.

You want this blood, don't you?

I didn't do anything.

You told me about it.

I was...

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're staying on the phone with me this whole time.

All this time.

And you haven't hung up once, you dumb jerk.

No, I'm not finished.

I can go on all night.

You're going to have to talk to the customers.

No, let me talk to the customers.

The customers are on the phone right now.

They're outside.

They're pumping gas.

Well, when they get through pumping, I'll be on the phone waiting for them, okay?

Okay, what do you want?

Let's talk over.

What do you want?

I want to know everything there is to know about you.

Get.

Who is this?

I told you, this is Summer B. Johnson.

What color is your hair?

Black.

Black, isn't it?

Yeah, why?

So your skin is brown, too, isn't it?

Is it dark brown, or is it like the tanner brown?

Why don't you come over to the store?

I'm not going to come there.

No way.

Yeah, you can talk to me, because I'm going to hang up the phone.

No, no, I want to talk to the customer.

Because I'm busy.

I'm not supposed to talk to you like this.

Oh, so you're busy now, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, if you have any questions, just ask me.

Otherwise, I'm going to hang up.

No, no, I'll tell you what I want.

You ready?

Yeah.

I want to talk to the customer outside something.

That's what I want.

Why is that?

Because.

I'm going to hang up, sorry.

No, don't hang up.

I'm going to hang up.

No, you better not hang up.

Give me two more minutes.

Two more minutes, okay?

Why?

Because.

Two more minutes, and we'll start the clock right now, okay?

So give me two minutes.

Are you counting down?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

So what do you live?

You live there in Vegas right now, right?

Why?

I'm just asking. I'm trying to kill two minutes.

You are just a customer. Just ask me what you want, and I'm going to answer.

Otherwise, I'm going to hang up the phone.

Sorry. Bye.

No, you can't hang up the phone.

Call him back for a minute and 40 seconds, all right?

Are you ready?

You need to give us another minute and 40 seconds.

Returning to main menu.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

No, same one. We'll have to call him back from the 305 in a little bit.

Excuse me.

Alright, so in the meantime, we can call Iran.

I say we call Iran.

Why not?

Unless we want to call China first.

No, it doesn't matter.

It's up to you.

Alright, I'm going to call Iran.

What the hell?

Let's try it.

Who's the host?

Come on.

The host with the most.

Esteg...

You want to call me a sister?

No.

Call you a sister.

This is my sister on the line.

Okay, this is the Estegal International Hotel.

They're on the corner of Valhalla.

A bunch of shit, okay?

They're on a corner somewhere in Iran.

Tehran, Iran.

The capital of Iran.

Iran. The enemy and

the cornerstone of the axis of

evil. Her former president,

George W. Bush, got

his name be praised. Isn't that what I used to say

in my brain calls? His name

be praised. Alright, hang on.

This is 11 cents per minute. Yes,

hello. Hello. Assalamu alaikum.

Shut the fuck up. Hey, I gotta make a number, please.

You speak English? Sure. A little slow.

I need to check my reservation, jerk

off. Son of a bitch.

I need to check my reservation.

Is it possible to check it at the 7

No, no, no, no.

You listen to me.

I'm American, and when I say it goes.

Now, you check the fucking reservation right now.

Where's your computer?

Turn it on.

Sorry, sir?

Maybe you don't have computers in Iran because you're so third world nation backwards.

But I'm an American.

You will turn on your computer now and confirm my reservation,

or you will go to the papers and look in the papers.

Good day, sir.

I command you to do this in the name of the United States.

Fuck it.

It's a war.

It's on.

In his name.

What are you doing?

It's on.

Don't worry, folks.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

We're playing a new song.

We need a nice war song.

Let's play some Metallica.

What should we play?

In the United States of America here, we're about to go to war with Iran.

One.

Good idea.

Metallica, as we enter into this...

We enter into Sandman, right?

Yes, that's right.

We're calling on behalf of the people of the United States of America to Iran here, apparently.

Maybe we'll start an international incident.

That'd be quite interesting.

I don't know how to spell Metallica appropriately.

I don't have any A's in it.

How do you spell one?

O-N-E?

Something like that, yeah.

Something like that?

I think there's three letters in there.

W-U-N.

Three letters and a one.

W-U-N.

There we go.

I got it.

Thank you, Milkman.

All right, everybody.

Here we go.

Metallica 1.

We're calling Iran.

We're going to call that gentleman back.

Actually, you want to start this one off?

Say you're the wife.

All right, cool.

Sure.

All right.

Here we go.

Thank you for your call.

How are you doing, sir?

I was just wondering.

My husband called just a few minutes ago, and he was hung up on very rudely.

He's trying to check his reservation.

Oh, my.

Can you check his reservation, sir?

One road.

Hello, sir. How are you?

I just wanted to call my husband.

Yes, my husband called in just a few minutes ago,

and he was hung up on very rudely,

and he's just trying to check his reservation.

Is there any way for us to check his reservation?

But I'm sorry, lady.

Is he supposed to tell you something?

Excuse me?

Yeah.

I don't know why your husband was very angry,

and he used very terrible words.

I'm so sorry.

No, what did he say, sir?

I'm very sorry.

What did he say to you?

No, no problem.

You said I want to check my fuck reservation to call from American perhaps and you know, you don't have any computer

It's very very bad. This is disconnected. I'm sorry. I can't understand you

May have your reservation number, please

You know what? I don't have my reservation number, but it's for vagina Jones. Oh, yeah. All right, please

Okay, is it possible ask you your resolution is for when it's for today tomorrow when is it possible to clear everything?

for tomorrow. For tomorrow. And

your good name, please? Um, his name

is Vagina Jones.

J-O-N-E-S. J-O

N-E-S.

S, yes. Yeah. Hold on, please.

Let me check it. Vagina. For tomorrow, yeah?

For tomorrow, yes, sir.

What time is it? What day is it right now?

What time is it right now? It's

a quarter to seven. Quarter to seven.

On what day? Is it night or day

there? No, it's a day.

It's day? Okay. Yep.

In the morning. Wonderful.

Sorry, lady, may I ask you your family name, please?

My family name is Jones.

Jones?

Yes.

Is it possible to spell it again?

It may be under his middle name.

Taint.

T-A-I-N-T.

Sorry, is it possible to repeat it again?

Vagina.

Jane?

Sir, I'm sorry?

Yes.

Give me the phone.

Hello.

Hello, sir.

Who is, who is, who is?

Hello, sir.

Who is?

Hello.

Who is this?

Is it possible to give me your name?

I want to find your reservation.

It's under vagina.

Yes, sir.

It's under vagina.

V-A-G-I-N-A

Look in your computer right now.

You tell me, why do you not have my reservation that I paid for?

Am I on speakerphone?

Is it possible to spell it?

Listen.

Is it possible to spell your family name? I can't hear you slightly. Sorry, sir.

Is this the hotel in Iran, first of all?

Yes, it's the hotel.

In Tehran, Iran?

Yes, in Tehran.

Listen, look me up under vagina.

V-A-G-I-N-A

V-A?

V. V like vagina. A-G-I-N-A.

No, stupid. Tell the woman to not be involved because this is man business.

Tell her to go away and go clean.

Woman, go away right now.

This is understood.

Listen, tell the woman to go away right now.

I can't have her around.

We're talking, we're men, and we're not married to her.

She must leave.

Yeah, is it possible to hold the line clean?

Is that your wife?

Who is the woman there?

Yeah.

Is she your wife?

is too fucking expensive

It's too fucking expensive

It's 11 cents a minute

They freaked me out

There was an echo on it

And I think we're being

Listened to by the ACIA

I'm not kidding you

Don't believe me

Listen there was an echo

Halfway through that

And all of a sudden

There was an echo

It was the RIA

Listen shut up

Is that your wife

Who is the woman there

Is she your wife

This is too fucking expensive

I can't hear anyone

there was definitely an echo there you think we're being listened to you think there's an

automatic thing that says hey there's a phone call from the united states

what would you do you know this house was raided once by the cops for prank calls what if it ended

up like we got like raided by the fbi next that's the next step you can only go up

all right we got ambos mundos in havana cuba fuck dude we gotta call cuba right

How come we're not called Cuba?

We already called Iran.

That would totally get...

No.

Dude, you know Iran is probably...

You know someone in Washington knows we just called Iran.

Oh, yeah.

If it's so illegal, Google should not let us do it.

Did you call it with your Google number?

Yeah, yeah.

It comes up with a Google number.

I'm not worried about it.

It's Google that did it.

Did they know it too?

Dude, you're right.

Google knows.

Google knows, man.

Google knows.

All right, well, we might as well call Cuba while we're at it.

I got a phone call.

I think we're definitely being tapped into.

I think they were recording it for future reference.

No, I'm not saying that they were recording it.

I'm saying that you could hear like someone was tapping into the line.

You're thinking probably internationally.

It probably wasn't the United States.

I bet you it was wiretapped along the way.

Yeah.

I bet you anything.

Our line was being wiretapped probably in Iraq.

I don't know.

Where would the trunk cables go through somewhere there?

Turkey

I bet you the

Turkey was

The Turkish government

Does it for the United States

That kind of phone traffic

They tap into that

VoIP traffic right there

Alright we got Cuba

Ready to call Cuba

Cuba

Havana Cuba everybody

This is Obispo number 13

Is the address

I don't know

I don't understand it

It's the Hotel Ambos Mundos

Obispo number 153

SQ

Mercaderes

Havana Cuba

Alright cool everybody

Let's do it

All right, everybody, change of plans.

Couldn't get the number to Cuba to work.

We're working on that.

Lonesome Losers checking it for me.

In the meantime, we're calling the Rifa store.

Rifa store is in Tehran, Iran.

Social Manager Mohamed Ali Korsani.

Nunu saying, call Iran and ask about the homosexuals.

Good point.

We'll mention that now.

Nunu saying, there's a lesbian sister of Mia's who wants to be called.

Mia, have you sent it in?

All right, no answer there.

No answer there, everybody.

We cannot call the store.

It might be too early.

It's only almost 7 a.m. over there now.

It would be great to call them.

I was thinking about calling up and when they answered to say I'm former TV child star Fred Savage from The Wonder Years.

Yeah.

And I'm working for a new company, and we're trying to get orphaned children here in the United States over to Iran.

Four good, good Christian families over there.

Good Christian families over there, yeah.

Good Jewish families, actually, is what you should say.

No, just Jewish.

All right, listen.

We've got the Yaz Safaya Hotel in Iran.

The managing director is...

Hebrew family.

The manager's name is Sine Galabaf, apparently.

All right, let me paste that here to you so you have that information.

Hollywood, now you're ready.

You know where we're calling?

Actually, I kicked out of the house.

Yeah, you kicked out of the house.

Too loud, really?

Your wife said to get out?

She said, get out of the house, of course.

Oh, my God.

I'm hoping Lonesome Loser can confirm that Cuba.

Here we go.

Okay, we got confirmation from Lonesome Loser.

We're going to give that Cuban number a shot.

If it doesn't ring through, be advised we're going to call another hotel in Iran.

And that's for the manager by name because we have the manager's name.

Fuck, we got him there.

Let's put some gang stars.

Returning to main menu.

Yeah, we can't call Cuba apparently on Google Voice.

No dice with that, so we're calling the hotel.

Hello, what are you there?

We can't be called.

Hello, is this a woman?

Hello.

Is this a woman?

Hello, yes.

Is this a woman?

Hello.

Woman.

Yes, hi woman.

How are you?

Thanks.

Good.

Woman, I can see your face.

Yes, woman.

I'd like to see your face.

All right, good.

I need to speak with

John Bacash Hamadast

I need to speak to

John Bacash Hamadast

Hello

I need to speak with

John Bacash Hamadast

Returning to main bank

And you have one new message.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the password.

Yes, I need to speak to an American speaker right now.

English speaker right now.

Shut up.

Woman.

This is a woman.

Yes, hello.

Who is this?

Yes, I need to speak to an English speaker immediately.

Immediately.

An English speaker now.

No, you have an American speaker, please.

Do you have an American speaker?

Spans are all over the place.

India.

These people are stupid.

Spans and these people are stupid.

We've got breaking news here, though.

About two hours ago, I wasn't aware of this,

but apparently a U.S. airliner loses contact and overflew its destination just a few hours ago.

A Northwest Airlines flight carrying 144 passengers from San Diego to Minneapolis

Minneapolis lost contact with air controllers for more than an hour

and overflew its destination by 150 miles.

The National Transportation Safety Board said that two pilots of Flight 188 and Airbus A320

told authorities after landing safely on Wednesday night

that they had become distracted during a heated discussion about airline policy.

This was yesterday that this happened.

Wow.

Is that, what?

I can't believe douche finally got up on an airplane and is a pilot now, huh?

They became distracted during a heated discussion about airline policy and they overflew their destination by 150 miles.

Wow, that's really fucked up.

The NTSB said on Thursday it would review the pilots' flight data and voice recorders and interview the pilots.

Oh man, you know, if they were talking shit about airline policy and now the NTSB is going to review the tapes,

you know, it's basically going to be, it was a fuck the NTSB, you're a bunch of faggots.

Oh wow, that's got to suck.

Among other issues, investigators will explore crew fatigue to see if the pilots were tired.

Northwest is owned by Delta Airlines.

Blah, zay, blah, zay, blah.

So apparently this was yesterday.

It was the second unusual incident involving a U.S. airliner this week.

On Monday, a Delta Boeing 767 with 182 passengers landed on a taxiway

instead of its assigned runway at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport.

The taxiway, which is parallel to the runway, was active but cleared of ground traffic.

traffic. Well, that's understandable because fucking Atlanta's airport is the most biggest

fucking jumble fuck confusing piece of shit ever. That is the most, have you ever been,

if you've ever flown, if you've never flown through, you know, if you don't know what

I'm talking about, oh my God. Piece of shit. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. All right, anyway,

so what do we do next then? We got numbers in Essex, England, a little closer to home,

not as expensive. These are only two cents a minute. We have like a, let's call Smarties

smart back smarty's mark okay yes that's right we had fun with smarty's mark yeah indeed seven

minutes 40 seconds with him that's right okay smarty marks everybody don't go anywhere playing

that shit how you doing but then soon as you walk by that bitch i will not do it to myself

anymore so if you're confused about what i'm saying i refuse to walk around and watch people

on my job looking over my shoulder people lying to me people talking about it's ridiculous it is

sad i can't take it i'm not gonna take it i don't have to take it i'm not a dummy i know how to find

another job but i refuse to walk around people you can say what you want to say about me and if

you see me on the street i'll let you know whatever you want to know but i refuse for the last six

years i made six dollars an hour that ain't nothing i just got a raise after six years i

know i'm qualified and after saying this i don't care if i ever get another job in radio period

it does not matter to me but i never will not be setting the mood at blx no more i refuse to

to walk around with people that'll speak to you, hey, how you doing? But then as soon

as you walk by that bitch, I will not do it to myself anymore. So if you're confused

about what I'm saying, listen very carefully. I quit this bitch.

I'm a big station, 93.

Come on, let's talk over here.

Hi, yes, is this Get?

Huh?

Is this Get?

Yeah.

Hey, Get, I still have a minute and 40 seconds left with you.

Uh-huh.

So are you still busy? Are you still busy?

Yeah, it's kind of busy.

Who is this?

This is Summer again.

How are you today?

Good.

You?

I'm doing fine.

Can you tell me, I've got a friend that got locked out of his house around the corner.

And is it okay if he comes over there and warms himself before the locksmith gets to his house?

Where are you right now?

He's around the corner.

He's in the corner?

The only problem is, yeah, he's around the corner, but he just has underwear on.

Do you have any clothes that he can put plastic foot on?

But isn't it really cold?

No, I don't have any clothes.

Do you have, maybe you can put some paper towels around him, or, can you wrap him in paper towels?

Paper towel?

Yeah, he had a big paper towel.

No, I don't have any paper towels.

Okay, well can you maybe tape some napkins to him or something?

Yeah, napkins.

Yeah, just any kind of napkin, just tape them to him if you have tape there.

Where is he right now?

He's around the corner. If you say it's okay, I'm going to send him up there, but like I said, he only has underwear on,

so if you could just tape some napkins to him to cover him up, that would be great.

Okay, send him over.

Okay, well, hang on. We still have about 35 seconds, okay?

35 seconds?

Yeah, we have 35 seconds left.

When do you get off? Get 12?

What are you doing afterwards?

I'm going to hang up.

Hang on. Are you going to watch a movie tonight, or can I come over and watch it with you?

I'm busy right now. They're watching...

Okay, but what movie are you going to watch tonight?

Do you need me to bring some...

I don't like movies.

You don't like movies?

No, I don't like movies.

You like a rat? Did you say, I like a rat movie?

No, I don't like movies at all.

Oh, do you watch Sportsman, or what do you watch?

I'm busy right now. I'm going to hang up.

Hang on, we still have about seven seconds left, okay?

You are hairy, man.

That reminds me, I don't know if you remember the prank call we did where the girl, where we had her, you know.

Returning to main menu, you have.

I was like, yeah, you know, this is 98.6 the mouth, you won a contest, you have to fake an orgasm for 30 seconds,

and you won tickets to, I don't know who it was, Green Day or something.

She's like, oh, my God.

She's like, oh, my, like, yeah.

She's like, okay.

And she, like, did it, and I made her do it for, like, three minutes.

I kept saying, like, you know, 10 seconds left.

up and she's like moaning and moaning and moaning hey mia what do that to her yeah definitely i'm

looking for me as uh looking for this phone number uh here apparently was emailed to me

what's the deal with her what's the woman's deal do you know anything about it she said that she's

a complete cunt complete cunt okay nice interesting is she a lesbian or we're just making presumptions

here um she didn't say that or not someone said the l word i wasn't sure me me all right i got

out of here she's 22 a loser and dropped out of college and just went back she's a bitch and psycho

opinionated she dated a kid named trevor that sounds black but it was more her bitch than

boyfriend apparently okay all right so amy so so what do we got to work on this i don't know i mean

we're gonna call her but we're gonna say mia saying yeah john mayer tickets that's right that is what

it was all right so she's 22 she's a loser dropped out of college just went back a bitch and psycho

Psycho-opinionated.

Psycho-opinionated doesn't help me out much.

She did it.

It came in Trevor, who it was more her mission than her boyfriend.

Okay, cool.

It's got it.

All right.

Cool.

You want to call.

I was looking for Trevor.

That is the only thing I could think about.

You ready?

Yeah.

All right.

You got Trevor.

Let's say Trevor got you pregnant.

Yeah.

I'll be Trevor's new girlfriend.

And I'm Trevor's husband.

Okay.

All right.

And not Trevor's husband.

I'm saying I'm your husband.

I'm Summer.

What were you going to do?

Summer?

Summer's going to be who it is?

Yeah.

All right.

Summer's husband, Valente.

Good deal.

All right, good.

We got a plan, everybody.

And where we got our plan?

You know, we got a better chance of success.

You know what I just realized?

I got to put back up the request to prank form.

Because I used to get a lot of people every week,

at least one or two a week, I would get for the show.

I got to put that back up.

That was quite popular.

I'll put that back up tonight.

Or tomorrow, rather.

Oh, yeah.

Should we put the link up to the CD?

The CD, too.

I already got a save.

I got the new homepage save that includes it.

I just haven't updated it yet.

Yeah, because there's one last thing I have to add.

And make that two, because I've got to add Request a Prank back.

Anyway, just a moment, please.

Jamie, obviously I'm not here right now, so just leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Thank you. Bye.

Please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options.

To leave a callback number, press five.

If you're satisfied with the message, press one.

To listen to your message, press two.

2. To erase you're satisfied with the message, press send your message with normal delivery, press 1.

To send your message with urgent delivery, press 2.

Thank you. Your message has been sent.

Returning to main menu, you have 1.

All right, cool.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

All right, let's see here.

To place a call, press 2.

I'm going to call somebody. Hang on, don't do nothing.

For booth 411, press 3.

Or to change your settings, press 4.

All right, we're calling Lancashire, England.

Break, but I'm taking a break, sir.

I've got to let my bunions breathe.

All right, Brother Hollywood, thank you for finally calling in and not going to sleep.

You're going to take a pill and go to sleep now, but all right.

I've already taken three, so.

Warm glass of milk.

Yummy, yummy.

Yeah.

All right.

So, everybody, you have a wonderful evening.

Thank you for allowing me to be on once again.

Yes, sir.

Quite fun.

We even got to call our end.

I'll remember.

All right, man.

If you get busted by the FBI, don't rat me out.

I won't rat you out.

Deal?

No problem.

All right, man.

See you.

Change my name.

Going to change it to Hollywood Vagina.

I do have to take a break, though.

That was on the line.

That was on bullshit.

shit all right so um let's think about some prank calls we can play some of the older ones uh

someone was mentioning like their list of three and one of them i think it might be one that i

might be able to find bing bong bing no you like that one way too much that one is not that good

someone had a someone had number one number two number three as far as like their list of

funness like favorite prank calls yeah can't find it way back up the list i'm looking

and go away at this by like an hour not an hour it wasn't that long ago was it it was the last

time we were playing a prank call here we go msc3 clay thinks his top three prank calls are

first psycho prostitute goes nuts second drunk black guy we already played that and third dude

gets mad about broken car dude gets mad about broken car what's that dude gets mad about broken

car i don't remember that one that doesn't ring a bell at all msc3 clay if you're still listening

let me know more recent go we got one called sanjay i don't know what's this one other shows

Yes, may I speak with the Bhenchod again, please?

The Bhenchod?

Refusing service and you're, you know, you're being...

No, I'm not refusing service.

I'm trying to take an order from you,

and you're telling me something which I can't understand.

This sounds like it might be interesting.

Let's try this one.

This one's called Sanjay.

All right, I'm going to cue that for the break.

Let's see.

Free tires, we played that recently, I think.

We got one called No Hot Ham Chee.

I don't remember that at all.

Before asking for some sand...

Let me see.

Put the phone down.

We play that a lot.

To close a bell.

Add placement job.

Appointment center call, number one.

Number two.

Dr. Nargis calls for a doctor.

I want to see the one with the panty dropper.

The panty dropper.

All right, let me see if I can find it.

Hang on.

I'm looking.

Operator fund.

Security guard.

Oh, no.

Anger management calls.

Oh, the anger management calls.

Those are fun.

Diabetic hit a casino.

That's the one you were talking about there, Milkman.

Reclute has an outburst.

Reclute calls Muhammad.

I'm looking for your window.

Flower shop.

flower shop i think might be funny too let me put that on the maybe list here air conditioner oh

yeah i wanted to mention if anybody out there wants a google voice invite i don't know did

you get any milkman all the accounts were supposed to get three invites that you can give out

instantly to somebody else by email address no i never got any extra invites i got i got mine made

but all right well fucking look out for it anyway uh i've got one left if anybody really wants a

the Google Voice.

Send me a message

with a good explanation

why you deserve it

and I'll send it to you.

Give me an email address

when you do it.

How can I help you?

Hi there.

How are you doing?

I was calling

interested in driving

your van machine.

Okay.

I like driving vans.

I used to own a van

when I was in high school.

I had a mattress in the back

and I called it

the panty dropper

and I like wrote it

on the sides of it

and everything.

It was really cool.

It had neon lights.

Click and dirty.

There you go.

The panty dropper.

Great day to see you.

This is Kelsey.

Yeah.

So I even installed

in the back

I act like a big amp, and I used to play my guitar, my electric guitar in the van.

Look, are you interested in the position?

Because if so, that's fine.

But if you're going to prank call, then I...

No, I'm interested.

You're not allowed to make assumptions.

I'm just telling you.

I used to own a van.

I didn't know how to drive a van.

I have credentials, lady.

I have experience in the van machine.

What's the problem?

What kind...

Are these...

What ton?

Are these 1.5 ton vans?

Are they 2 or 1.5 tons?

I have no idea.

I'm not into that.

Well, why good are you?

Can you put a man on the phone who can answer my questions?

If you'd be a little bit nicer, maybe I can help you.

I don't have to be nice.

I'm applying for a job.

Okay, well, in this case, the position's been filled.

If I call back and it's not filled, it's against the law.

You understand that?

I'm going to have somebody else tell you.

Equal opportunity.

You know what?

I'm going to call...

What's your name and number?

I'm going to answer the phone each time.

So, sir, what is your name and number?

I'm going to call the new solvers right now that you're discriminating against me.

I'm not discriminating, sir.

I'm just trying to get your information.

Well, you already told me.

you already told me

the position is filled

so I hope that it's not filled

maybe there's another position

what what

is it

is it card

sir can I have your name

and your phone number

sir can I have your name

and your phone number

don't

you're very rude

I don't

you know what

I decline your application

I'm not approving you

ok

I command you to hang up

the phone now

because I am superior to you

well what are you going to do

will you admit inferiority

go ahead

apparently she won't

you know what I'm trying to find

you know what

all of a sudden

remember when reclude

we kept calling that

junk buster guy

not the junkyard

not the crazy guy that went to vietnam and all that stuff i'm talking about this junk buster

um and he was like i'm gonna pick you up like a refrigerator and truck you over the border and

all this shit they were like fighting about meeting in front of a strip club that was a long

that was a long time ago i think it was in march or something like that i can't find it though i

don't i don't think it was ever edited out that's that shit is hilarious because they just went at

it for like a good five prank calls in a row here's the one with not tika where we call that

where we call the house and they're on there flipping out on the phone and getting on there

and talking shit with nautica um is that escort remember we call back here sam we heard him talk

about drugs and stuff yeah i think so i just haven't yeah here it is this is a nervous breakdown

right isn't that what you have in there no no that's different that's this one here the following

is an exclusive radio madhouse live.com hello silent is uh the room service please yeah it

sounds like you can hard i can hardly hear you you want to give me your landline number what's

your landline number? I'm on the landline now, dear. Okay, what is it? What's your room

number? Yeah, 214. And which hotel was that? Look, let me just ask you real quick. First

of all... I can't talk on this phone line. If you give me the room number and the last

name, I can call you. Why don't you shut the hell up? Fuck you! Fuck you fucking piece

of shit! Fuck you, you stupid bitch whore. I mean, that's old. That is an old one. But

why do I get so angry, really? Is this the one you're talking about, Milkman? Let me

The following is an exclusive of

Radio and MadhouseLive.com

conversation don't don't make me call call the police yeah you know what's up yeah i got you

i'm gonna blackmail you oh i'm so scared whatever

yeah that's old too wow that's like from 2005 isn't it four calendar years ago four years ago

that's a classic that was about october of two of when we first started this black and white

no i know yeah man black and white right right then we called somewhere right in that night same

night we called up and there's these people on the phone there's a whole bunch of people getting

on the phone you want to talk to the girl and then the guy got on the phone what the hell was

that one about oh yeah that had really bad audio i called some people some black people and they're

all like yeah what's up yeah i don't know yeah they're flipping out on you i can you start

start talking shit i couldn't remember i couldn't i know you're talking about kiki her name was

kiki remember the guys were like who you talking to kiki yeah they kept saying that like kiki who

is that i was like i was telling her i had her dirty underwear or something she was getting all

scared like yeah yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't i mean i don't know how about the one where the

kid's scared because uh you said that uh um he was talking to your daughter or something kid's

Kid's scared talking to my daughter.

Talking to my daughter.

Yeah.

Online.

Yeah, online.

Online.

He was online talking to your daughter or something.

Uh, I'm thinking here.

Hmm.

I don't know.

He's, like, all scared.

You said you was, uh, Joe Hanson from Nightline or some shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's, uh, that one's on the CD.

That one's on the CD.

Yeah, what is it?

They're making Carlito's 50th birthday.

Yeah, Carlito's gonna have a 50th birthday.

We have done so many calls, Tuck.

We have done so much shit.

God.

But it shows us from the clock of highlights.

We don't play at all.

We're trying to rack his brain.

I thought I'd never get to the point where I wouldn't be able to remember them.

So, like, oh, God.

Dude, we've done a lot, dude.

Huh?

Yes, hi.

Are you friends with 18 Blondie?

No.

Like, how do you know 18?

This isn't the KDN, dude, because I found out on Good Word

You were talking to my girl on the chat room.

No.

My boys saw you give out your number to 18 Blondie.

That's...

What chat room?

Because I don't...

Some fucking web chat room, man.

No, I haven't...

I don't go on those.

How long have you known that my girl's been doing porno shit on the webcam, man?

Are you the dude that started it up?

No, I don't know anything about this, man.

Because I know you're...

If you're the guy that's running his website, so help me God, man.

When I put the lawsuit that I'm going to put on you...

Dude, hey, hey, hey, hey, could you please listen to me?

Hey, jackass, I'm calling the shots, all right?

Okay, can I please say something?

I do not, I know nothing about a webcam site or anything, okay?

I did not go on there.

Somebody could have put my number on there.

I did not, okay?

I'm 15.

I did not go on there, okay?

Can you please trust me?

Well, I've traced your IP address.

We got the proof on your IP, man.

Like, I saw her doing something on the video cam.

What kind of thing?

With some fucking dildo shit.

Well, I don't know where she got that.

Are you the guy that bought it for her?

because she says some guy online bought it for her,

and I look at the screen,

and you're there giving her this phone number,

telling her to call you.

No.

Well, what happened, I know what you're talking about,

but it was not me, okay?

It was on my computer, but it was not me, okay?

It wasn't you.

It was not me, but no.

Can I explain?

What happened?

School, with my laptop.

Somebody got a hold of my laptop.

I don't know who, okay?

It was my laptop, and I don't know who it was,

but they started giving it to another person.

Somebody called me.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on,

And they gave out my number to a whole bunch of different people

And I'm trying to figure this out

You know

Right here, look, listen

It says right here

I want to blank you

Do you like to blank in doggy style?

How old are you?

I want to blank you now

Can I blank you now?

Do that, yes

This is really my

This is really me

This is really my phone number

And it gives your phone number out right here

Okay, that's what I would

I'd never say something like that

Sir, I have something to tell you

I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC

and we're doing a show about children who break up marriages okay well can i please well i didn't

have anything to do with this i didn't say anything like that um i'm trying to find out

who's doing this but do you look at porno do you look at porno dirty pictures on the computer

machine no you never have but i don't anymore i did like a long time ago with friends but i don't

do it anymore with friends so you got together and looked up pictures on the computer it's like

years ago years ago together you looked at well we were together and it was like a pop

Because people your age aren't supposed to look at porno.

It was a pop-up.

That's like buying cigarettes, son.

It was a pop-up, though.

Why wasn't your parent filter turned on?

Because I don't know.

I don't know.

You don't know.

I don't know indeed.

Anyway, this is the one that I think is like, of the calls this year,

this has to be my favorite so far.

This is like a big contender.

There's a job here for a body shop helper.

It says, call Tony.

Like, this one has to go on the CD, the next one, for sure.

Yeah, you hacked it.

Mm-hmm.

Class 1 to play.

Message.

Class 2.

22.

Message.

Message 1.

Good morning, I'm calling in regards to body shop health.

6 a.m. Sunday.

And I spoofed the number as the guy with the job offer.

This would be quite confusing.

Classic, dude.

Speak with Robert, please.

I'm returning a number for Mr. Robert.

bird roberto regarding a job this is tony oh no this is how you doing there buddy i'm i'm doing

good sir um so how can i help you i saw your i saw your ad in the news this morning how good

are you with the car machines with the machines a straightening machine yeah straightening the

machine um well i haven't worked in that ass body you got it man come on down to the shop when you

want to start tomorrow monday through friday i'm i'm game all right where are you at you tell me

Come on down to the shop tomorrow, bring your papers with you, and we'll start.

Okay.

All right.

9 a.m.

You can wear jeans, but we prefer a collared shirt.

Huh.

Okay?

Okay.

All right, Alberto.

We'll see you then.

Like a polo shirt and shirt?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

All right.

Give me an address.

All right.

We'll see you then.

Thank you, Alberto.

Give me an address.

Okay.

You got it.

All right.

Hello.

You got that 9 a.m.?

9 a.m. where?

At the shop.

Where is it?

It's in Orlando.

Give me an address.

You got it.

All right, Alberto, we'll see you tomorrow at 9 a.m.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

Hello.

I'm looking forward to this.

Thank you very much.

It came down between you and me.

We had a girl, a girl, Roberta, in Alberto.

I think we'd rather go with the guy.

Hello.

Yes, I'm here.

Hello.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Come down to the shop, sir.

All right.

Tell me where the shop is.

I don't know where the shop is.

The fire alarm is going off.

Hello.

There's a fire alarm going off.

Hang on.

Hello.

Hello? Hello?

Okay, yeah, you got it from 9 a.m., you got it?

But you got to tell me where the shop is. I don't know where the shop is.

At the shop, is it downtown?

Downtown where?

There's a fire alarm again, hang on.

I'm going to go outside so you can hear me, all right?

I need an address.

Okay, you ready? You got the shop, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. tomorrow, three-button polo down shirt.

I need an address.

Okay.

I need an address.

Oh, you need the address. You need the address.

Yeah, I need an address.

All right, it's 122, 122, I'm sorry, we got a problem.

and they're doing a test on the fire alarm, and it keeps going off.

I hear it. I hear it.

All right, it's 122, southwest, downtown.

122, we'll see you at 9 a.m. You got it.

I didn't get that. I didn't get the address.

We got it. I got you. You got it. We got it.

I didn't get the address. Oh, come on.

I can't hear you.

Hello?

What is that noise?

No, no.

This is Tony, yeah.

I'll call you back because I'm getting some noise on the line.

The fire alarm's going off.

Hey, what's the address again?

122 what?

Southwest on 5th Street.

I get that.

Sir, you know what?

Forget it.

If you can't write down directions, forget it.

It's just not going to work out, Alberto.

Oh, you're playing with me, man.

Good night.

Good luck to you, Alberto.

What's the address?

I'm going to call Roberto, all right?

What's the address?

That's not giving me the address.

I thought I meant to call Robert.

I meant to call Rob, but not Alberto.

I made a mistake.

Oh, come on, man.

I'm going to call Robert.

What's the address?

I'm calling Robert.

No, no, no, no.

Forget it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, this is not going to work out, no.

Oh, you're playing with me, man.

Why are you calling me to play with me?

I got to go.

That's it.

I'm calling Robert.

No.

All right.

Good luck, man.

All right, you too.

Bye-bye.

That's a horrible thing I just did.

That is so bad.

I'm going to hell.

I love that one.

That's still not good.

I feel really embarrassed right now with myself.

And he talks over like, good for him, good for him.

are you talking about remember he was telling them about like they had a contract with you

and the wife was on the phone and the son was still like as a lawyer uh no i got it right here

it's it's this little soldering kit that i got for one of my classes and to make the alarm but

i love that thing man i busted the uh the wires i got to hold the wire out to none to make it work

that's right here i got it that's the uh i don't know it's just the alarm it doesn't really have

a name and then you guys are you guys are thinking that no the motherboard that's that's

That PC is about to be replaced in a week.

It's the one over here to my left, the one that handles the stream.

If you've noticed, the station goes down a lot because I turn it on in the morning,

and by the time I get home, it's crashed.

It's just a black screen.

I don't know at what point or what does it.

It's a very old machine.

I think it's at its last legs.

But I'm going to be building a new computer in about a week,

so the one that I'm using now for the main show.

The main computer now is going to become the backup,

and that's going to handle the station.

So the station will be back up 24-7 here in about a week or so.

I am planning.

I found one here that says, I'm a black man with anger issues.

Hi, this is Mandy.

What's your name again?

Oh, it's DJ Glow Warm.

My name is on focaccia bread.

Yeah, you said.

Like an orange, like a pesto mayonnaise on it.

I'm trying to figure this out.

Go ahead, I'm sorry.

Okay, we also, extravagant dishes like salmon.

I have a question.

Sorry to cut you off here.

I never really get too good in school, so the word extravagant,

Does that mean the same thing as scrumptious or delicious?

Yeah, it does.

Okay, go ahead, Kelsey.

I'm sorry.

Well, actually, you know, we have a whole menu and everything.

If you wanted to come in, you can take a look at it.

All right, hang on.

I'm going to go take that break that I've been talking about because I really got to take a wee.

I'm going to make a sandwich.

I'm going to come back, and we're going to do some more live prank calls and call it a night.

Lonesome Loser has sent in numbers here that we need to start getting at.

Sussex, England.

We've got Betty Reynolds.

We've got a few numbers in Lancashire, England here also.

so. We also have another

hotel that we have not called yet in Iran.

And we also have

two more hotels that we haven't called yet

in China that I would like to give.

Well, we have one left in China yet.

And I never got a chance to call the Kebab Shag.

It's in Oregon. It's like 9, 12 p.m.

Maybe they'll answer.

Maybe not. We'll give them a shot. Anyway, so listen to the rest

of this prank call and then listen to one more.

I'll be back and we're going to do some more

live prank calls and enjoy ourselves

for about another hour. Thank you.

Call you.

customers have to deal with so um as far as convenience goes um if you wanted to call back

at a later time then somebody can be more thorough with the menu and uh if you want and you could be

angry with him sounds good let me do that you said somebody i have like herbal sandwiches and

scrumptious dishes i'm not sure as to what kind of food y'all serving if you're just

yeah there's a problem in zone two and you people still haven't shown up over here i don't know if

but someone's got their keys locked in

and there's an intruder in zone number two.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Who are you?

Jesus Christ.

This is Destro.

I'm calling for status on zone two.

We've been paying you people on this contract for security.

You guys don't do jack.

This is the third time I'm calling in.

Look, there it is going off again.

What for that business?

What?

For what customer?

I need you guys to stop.

Do something about zone two.

Turn that alarm off.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Zone anything.

All right, now...

What customer are you?

Huh?

What business is it?

I'm with Valenti.

Or what customer?

Shut up.

I'm with Valenti and Associates.

I don't know.

This is Cobra Security.

Exactly.

And I don't know any Valenti and whatever.

Let me speak to the Baroness, please, because you people will look, you know,

for the third time, the zone alarm keeps going off in zone two.

This is Cobra Security.

Exactly, yes, Cobra Security.

You're in the wrong place.

You guys are on contract.

Excuse me?

You're in violation of contract, sir.

Who?

That's all?

You're in violation of contract.

I'm a 60-year-old woman, and I don't know anything about Zone 2 or anything else.

Well, I'm going to speak to her.

Or any of this customer you're talking about.

You're in violation of the contract unless you do something about Zone 2 immediately, sir.

Whatever.

There it goes again.

Hello, sir.

In the middle of lighting my cigar, we got a voicemail, a legitimate voicemail here from those folks with the security company.

Let's go ahead and listen to that.

53 seconds long.

Let's take a listen to that, everybody.

Enjoy.

Told you they'd bite.

Yeah, my name is Herman.

Roman, I'm calling from the law attorney office of Michael Douglas.

And, well, my client just received a prank phone call,

and she's been receiving this for months of being harassed.

And, well, I'm just calling to let you all know that if one more harassment comes through,

I will be filing papers to press charges for phone harassment.

me um and i would like somebody to give me a call back i'm sure y'all have caller id and um and i

heard um i heard everything that you said to my client and um this it was extremely rude and if i

um and push charges will be pressed if one more phone call comes through wait a minute so if i

call he wants me to call him back but i'll press charges he's a trap yes hi i'm calling for a

status on zone two please okay look sir um the owner yes ma'am no no no no wait a minute i was

just talking to you you said you were a 60 year old woman so i apologize no no that was not that

was my mom i'm the owner of the company i am 30 uh my name um i am the i am the owner it's a deal

sir you're under contract to come out of here and secure zone two immediately send your son or send

yourself over here old sir and get over here and fix the problem tell me where we're supposed to

Valente Associates

I don't know any Valente Associates

Valente Associates

You don't even know how to speak English right

Is there an American I can speak to please

Could you spell it to me please

Valente

V-A-L-E-N-T-E

And Ass Associates

I don't have a customer like that

You're under contract

It says right here

Cobra Security

My paper machine

God damn it

Let me speak to Desperate

What is the address or phone number

I don't know any customer

Let me speak to

Valente anything else

Let me speak with the Cobra Commander please

There is no commander.

I'm the owner.

Can you put the Cobra commander back on the line, please?

That was my son.

He's in the car with me, and he's mad because you're unreasonable.

He's a bad worker.

That's why.

We're not under any kind of contract with anybody at Valencia anything.

Valente and Associates.

Get my name right.

Valente.

It doesn't matter.

We don't have a customer like that.

You come out here, I'm calling the police.

Do what?

There it is again.

Someone else.

Okay, I don't understand.

Where are you located?

You.

Valentin Associates.

I know where I'm located.

Disgusting woman.

What do you want, sir?

I need you to get these Mexicans off of Zone 2 immediately.

Okay, where is Zone 2?

Zone 2 is on the second floor.

It's a secured room.

I don't have any buildings, sir.

I don't have any buildings that are customers.

What do you secure, whorehouses?

You know, I don't know who you are.

Get off my phone.

Get off my phone, old sir.

Right now.

You called me.

I command you to hang up.

I'm going to call the police, and you know what?

I already called the police on you because you're in violation of contract.

That's all it is.

Oh, good.

Go for you.

There it is.

Oh, man, we're going to get...

The police is after us.

Oh, it's now being traced by AT&T Security and Cloud Tracing Network.

You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

All right, good deal.

Corporal Commander is after us, everybody.

That sounded like a bullfrog over there.

All right, folks.

What do you say there?

All right, folks, let's do a few more prank calls.

Excuse me, call it a night.

Sandwich coming up.

All right.

Woosah.

All right, Manchester.

We've got the French's over there.

M French and E French.

Yeah, Cuba doesn't work, unfortunately.

I really was wishing that would have worked.

Let's call that the one hotel that we have left in Iran that we haven't called,

then we'll do the one in China, then we'll do a few UK calls,

and then we'll call it a night.

Deal? Deal.

All right, good, good.

Play some music here in the meantime.

11 cents per minute.

Good point, Tuck.

How are you?

Hello.

Hi, how are you?

Hmm.

Huh?

Is it shaved?

Huh?

Hello?

Oui.

Yes, is it shaved?

Oui.

English, American English, now.

Go.

Hurry.

Chop, chop.

English.

Oui.

English, now.

English.

No.

Yes.

Okay.

Right.

New York, you dumbass.

We are in New York, and you know what?

We'll be down there in a second if you want us to be.

Yeah, you'll be down here in a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm calling you.

I'm trying to call your number.

It tells me I'm in there.

Hey, you cuck.

You know what?

Listen here, you cuck.

That's my cell phone you're calling.

You don't need to be putting in the access code on your cell phone.

You don't want to do that, okay?

No matter what.

Call me, too, when I call it.

It don't go through.

Look, that wasn't supposed to come through.

So I was getting to block my number right.

I'm sorry.

If you're getting the New York number, the one that starts with a seven?

Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

What the fuck is it?

I'm sorry, man.

Please don't tell my parents about this, okay?

Who the fuck is this?

This is me.

Who the fuck's me?

I'm a friend of, you know, of Joey.

You're a friend of, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know?

Yeah, my name's Ben.

Your name's Ben?

Yeah.

Really, where do you live at, huh?

Right here in Wayne.

You live in Wayne?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, man.

What part of Wayne?

The good part, over there, you know, South Park.

The good part?

Why don't you come to Bendix Street right now?

Come to do what with your dick now, what?

Come to Bendix Street right now, motherfucker.

If you got balls, come down my fucking street right now.

Ben Dick Street?

I'm down my fucking street, you fucking fat ass fucking car.

That's right.

Look, man, I don't know what you be talking about.

I know what I'm talking about because I fucking recognize your goddamn number.

Okay, look, I sat on the car.

You called my cell phone because you wanted to do a trade on the ham.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Are they just so stupid?

They just pick up the phone and go, hey.

You heard him?

Remember last week, I got into a whole tirade about that.

My shit got broken throwing on my fucking car.

No.

Tug got me started, and Tug was like,

and I was like, uh-huh, yeah, you?

And I started arguing with women.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I'm

I'm the fucking bendix.

I'm innocent.

You innocent?

I'm innocent.

You innocent?

Eyes don't see nothing, sir.

Calm down.

All right.

What street you at?

I'll come to your fucking house.

Where do you live at?

Bent Dick Street?

I live right off fucking Annapolis.

Annapolis?

Where the fuck is that?

You say you from Wayne and you don't know where fucking Annapolis is?

Oh, Annapolis.

Yeah, I know where Annapolis is.

You said Annapolis.

Where is Annapolis?

Over there.

Over there by Wayne.

Northeast, southwest of there.

You know?

Northeast, southwest of there?

Dude, you ain't even from fucking Wayne.

Yes, I am, man.

Wait until you die?

Wait until I die.

You sound like a Belleville faggot to me.

Belleville? How'd you know? You could tell by my voice?

You sound like a little fucking...

So what happened to your car now?

My car? What the fuck do you think happened? Why don't you come try to steal shit out of my car again so I fucking kill you?

I didn't do anything to you.

Yeah, that's right. You're fucking scared to come back.

Yeah, I am. Look, how'd you know it was me? Look, you got my number now, man. Please.

Yeah, I got your number when I called fucking Black.

Well, then what's it got to do with me? What's it got to do with me? You got a problem with your phone. That's all it is.

I'm in New York. I'm going to pay for them.

I'm in fucking New York.

I am.

Why the fuck are you calling yourself?

Two cents per minute.

I'm not calling. It's a cell phone.

Yeah, this is a fucking cell phone.

Oh, great. Yeah.

How the fuck do you know my cousin's name?

He's my boy.

So you're from New York.

He's your boy.

Enjoy it till I die.

See, you ain't even from fucking New York.

He's my BFF.

Hey, how you doing, sir?

Yeah, I do. May I speak with the woman?

No.

Let's see her face.

Good idea. We'll do another one then.

Every single one of these British people.

Fuck you for listening still, old man.

You ain't even from fucking New York.

I am.

You from New York.

What the hell are you talking about, yo?

You.

Yo.

Youse guys.

Yeah, that's right.

You know where I'm at.

I'm in fucking Wayne on Bendix Street.

Get the fuck out of here.

You fucking take way too long to get out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

The fucking mullies are the fuck up, you niggas.

They got fucked up, man.

If you keep talking shit.

What'd you say?

Cents per minute.

What's that deal?

What the fuck, you niggas.

Calm down like fucking people.

That's how Milkman talks in his personal time.

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, how do you talk on your personal time saying stuff like that?

I think you've got the wrong number.

No, no, I do not.

No, I do not.

This is Griffin.

Listen, Griffin, how dare you say racist stuff like you do?

I'm on to you.

I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?

I'm calling to speak to the Griffin.

What Griffin?

The Griffin, this Griffin, and Griffin.

Who?

And Griffin.

This is Neil Griffin.

Yes, that's who I need to speak with.

Neil Griffin.

Yes, but we're not the Neil Griffin that's been on the television.

Well, listen, I'm from the United States of America

and I'm bringing a lawsuit against you because of being racist

and making use of that nigger word on the phone.

Listen, I'm sorry, but you've got the wrong number.

No, I'm suing you, though.

I'm serving you with papers.

What is your Social Security number?

I'm sorry, we don't have a Social Security number.

I doubt that.

I doubt that seriously.

You're a member of Congress.

I think you need to get a different number.

Is this the secretary?

You're not the... Pardon?

I command you in the name of the United States of America to put him on the phone right now.

No, I'm sorry.

Then you're guilty.

You're not... You've got the wrong number.

How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you guilty or not guilty?

Guilty of what?

Of being racist.

I'm not racist.

So you're not guilty?

I've got nothing... Sorry?

Well, my quarrel is with Neil.

Yes, but you haven't got the right Neil.

No, put him on the phone right now.

It's between me and him.

Look, you've got the wrong number.

This is Neil Griffin in the United Kingdom, is it not?

There's more than one Neil Griffin in the United Kingdom.

You need to get your phone book right.

Bullshit.

There's more than one Neil.

Now, listen to me.

You listen to me.

We live in Essex.

Where does this other Neil Griffin live?

In England.

Yes, but there's more than one Neil Griffin in England.

But you're in England, aren't you?

Yes, we're in England.

So this is the one.

This is the Neil Griffin who's racist.

Oh, so you're saying that my husband is the only one in...

And how old is this Neil Griffin?

I have no idea.

I don't pay enough from the United Kingdom.

No, well, my husband is 75 years old.

That sounds about right for an old racist man.

So the Neil Griffin that was on the television last night,

which I presume you're talking about,

Is that the one you're talking about?

I suppose so, yes.

Yeah, well, my husband...

You're covering for him, yes.

Yes, he's your husband, I understand.

He's your husband, I understand, yes.

Okay, so it's your husband, so put him on the phone.

No, because my husband is not the Neil Griffin that you're talking about.

Listen, if you refuse to put him on the phone,

then it's admission of guilt that it's really him

and that he really is a racist.

My husband is not a racist.

Okay, so you're going to put...

Well, what are you hiding?

You need to get the right number, my dear.

My husband is an old-age pensioner.

I am not putting him on the phone at the moment.

Listen to me, woman.

If you have nothing to hide, then why don't you just put him on the phone?

If he did nothing wrong, then what are you worried about?

Because my husband is nearly deaf.

He will not hear you on the phone.

That's why.

Oh.

You need to get the right number.

Can you do sign language?

Pardon?

I can do sign language on the phone for him.

Oh, well, how can you do sign language?

He wouldn't understand that.

Yes, he can.

Listen, listen.

See?

Pardon?

Did you understand what I said?

No.

I'll try again.

Hang on.

There, I was sign languaging on the phone.

Well, no.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what you mean.

No, no, no.

Your husband's deaf, you said, but I know sign language.

Yeah, he's not.

I said he's not deaf, but he doesn't hear very well on the phone.

He's hearing impaired?

Sorry?

Of course he's hearing impaired. He's 75 years old.

Okay, so I'm going to do sign language on the phone. Listen.

Look, I'm not listening to you any longer.

I'm doing it right now. You're ignoring me.

Okay, good. That was fun.

Oh, man.

And it did it again.

It did it again.

Look, my mama black.

Your mama black? Well, good.

Fuck you, nigger.

Fuck me? I'm not black, though.

Fuck you, nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Fucking nigger.

Kiss my ass, honky. Crack ass. Crack a motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm glad to be a fuckwad, bitch.

Fuckwad, bitch.

Uh, wad, bitch.

I mean, where do you live? I'll be right over.

Wad, bitch. Wad, bitch.

Exactly, you're a little bitch that talks on the phone.

You're a crack-ass bitch.

Where do you want to meet? Come on, where are you going to be at?

Where do you want to meet?

Pistols at Dawn. Pistols at Dawn, sir.

Did he say you're from Wayne?

I told you already, I'm Wayne, man. Wayne, Wayne, Michigan.

Wayne. Wayne.

Wayne, Michigan.

Wayne.

All right, what high school are you going to do?

What's it got to do?

What's it got to do with me?

What do you want to know it for?

Tell me what high school you want to go to.

It's none of your business.

Because you ain't here from here.

It's not him.

There's one high school here.

What the fuck's it called?

I don't need to tell you shit.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Tell him, Carlito.

Hey, speak with Griffin, please.

Pardon?

I need to speak to Griffin right now.

Speak to him.

This is Valente.

I demand to speak to Griffin immediately.

I will speak to Mr. Griffin immediately.

Don't make out what you're saying.

This is Valente.

I need speak to Griffin immediately.

What's about wrong number?

No, this is Griffin.

This is Griffin.

Okay, so I need to speak to Griffin right now.

Where is he?

You need to speak to...

Uh-huh.

Old woman, I need to speak to Griffin now.

No, brother, yeah.

Oh, who are you?

You're somebody, right?

Aren't you?

Sorry, I can't help you.

You have penis and testicles?

Griffin?

Sorry, I can't help you.

I can't make out with you.

Shut up, shut up.

Hang up the phone and shut up.

I'll make up what you're guessing now.

You shut up.

I want you to shut up, okay?

Because you got the hint to shut up, stupid.

Look, I work at the county airport.

You work at the county airport?

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

There ain't no fucking county airport.

Yes, there is, man.

What's it called?

Wayne County Airport.

Wayne County Airport?

Yeah.

You know, every day I take the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel

to over the Ambassador Bridge downriver.

And over there at the airport.

Really?

Well, you're from Wayne.

You know where Miss Gav is?

Yeah.

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gav is?

No.

Should I?

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gav is?

Who is...

Hello.

Sir?

Hello?

Sir.

What?

Sir.

What?

Hello, sir.

You're from fucking Wayne.

Yes, I'm from Wayne.

All right.

Well, fucking...

Why don't you get in your little fucking car?

I don't have time for that right now.

Because you're fucking stupid.

I don't have time for that right now.

You don't got time for that right now.

Why?

You're fucking everybody's dick.

I'm busy.

Yeah, you know, me and you, we met back in Wheel Fest.

Wheel Fest?

Yeah, you know, Wheel Fest.

And Wayne.

Yes.

When did we meet?

I think it was the last Wheel Fest.

Last year.

I didn't go to no Wheel Fest last year.

Well, didn't your friend used to work at the Ford factory?

Ford factory?

Yeah, make expeditions.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Oh, yeah.

Bill.

He's falling asleep.

Go to sleep, man.

I know you've got to work so hard tomorrow.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

What are you guys so busy that you're doing tomorrow and you're not even awake yet, huh?

Why are you so busy?

What are you going to do so much tomorrow, huh?

Why are you going to be so busy tomorrow?

You can't be asleep?

What's the problem?

Speak to Turner, please.

Hello?

I want to speak to Turner right now, immediately.

Put Turner on the phone right now, you understand?

Why?

Because I have a problem with Turner.

That's why.

It's a personal, private problem.

Have you got the right number?

Yes, I do.

And this is not for women to be talking about.

This is not women talk.

It's man talk.

Where are you in the room from?

I have man business for Turner.

What time it is?

It's in the morning.

In America, it's only 1241 a.m.

What's with America?

Well, I have business with Turner, and I command you to put Turner on the phone.

I am a man.

What's that?

I am a man, and you're a woman, so you will do what I say.

Go put him on the phone.

That's a little boogery.

You're not bossing me around, mate.

We don't do things like this in England.

Well, this is America, first of all.

I'm calling from America.

Oh, cool.

Tough nothing.

I'm a man.

Watch out.

They'll get fresh.

You asked her, I want to know. What's his Christian name?

Kay. Kay Turner.

Kay Turner? I think you've got the wrong number.

No, this is Turner, and I think you're the mistress who's hiding for Turner.

No, I have no business with you. We would have to sleep and we would have woke all the family up.

I told you quite some time ago that it's correct, that this is not business for you,

because this is man business now for women to be talking on the phone at this time of night.

I think you've got the wrong number.

So go do your duty.

Go ahead and put him on, honey, okay?

Go put your husband on the phone, please.

Put the man on the phone, honey, okay?

That's nice.

No, you're not even soft.

Uh-huh, that's nice, honey.

Go ahead.

I can wait.

She accused me of buggery.

Did you hear her say that?

What's that mean?

She's accusing me of butt-fucking.

He plays EverQuest.

She must have gotten me confused with Nunu.

Yeah, that's him, dude.

That's him.

I just met that boy two days ago.

Well, he's talking some shit about you, so that, you know, he said some shit.

I don't know.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or nothing, but...

That motherfucker's 39 years old, Blake.

He's going to talk shit about me?

He's talking mad shit about you, man.

No, you the one that's talking mad shit, you little bitch.

You got it all twisted.

I'm all twisted, dude.

I'm fucking sitting outside right now waiting for you to fucking come down here.

I forgot how to get there.

You ain't never going to figure out how to get here.

It's all right.

You tell me now.

Tell me now.

All right, cool.

You don't even know where the fucking...

Tell me now.

You don't even know where it is.

I command you to tell me now.

Ah, you go Michigan to Wayne Road.

Michigan, hang on, I'm writing it down.

Michigan to Wayne Road.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Good.

I think we just had a seizure over there.

He's not going to try to swallow his tongue.

Okay, I need you to put a wall in your wife's mouth immediately.

She's having a seizure.

Hurry.

I need you to put your wall in your wife's mouth immediately because she's having a seizure.

yeah put it in your mouth in your in your wife's mouth please oh you're with another man i'm sorry

i didn't mean to make presumptions i'm sorry well i don't do you know where your wife is because

she's having a seizure i think we should put a wallet in her mouth this is valente coming from

chicago wife that so i can put a wallet i think it should probably bite it off she's having a

seizure you know can you please advise so i can make sure that your wife doesn't swallow her tongue

so just stand there you took it to the phone that's what it's for your mouth open it make

Make noises into the phone.

Bugger yourself.

Bollocks.

I can see your wife's face right now.

Stupid.

She's in there.

Oh, my God.

Stupid.

What else?

Hurry up.

Then you head towards Annapolis.

And as soon as you get to Annapolis, you make a right.

You take that all the way down to a dirt road.

You make a left.

And then you make a right on the first street.

It's called fucking Bendick.

Bendick.

Yup.

Bendick.

Just like that.

Yup.

You little bitch.

So wait.

I'm trying to figure out.

You little bitch, you're wasting my fucking time.

How do I get there from Cherry Hill Road?

Please enter your destination number now.

Okay, so let's see what we got left.

I think I have two numbers left.

E. French and Betty Reynolds.

Let's go back and see what we actually got to do today.

I missed some of the early ones.

What about that idea that I sent you?

You sent me an idea?

You have an idea?

Yeah, on G-Talk.

On G-Talk?

Let me look at G-Talk.

Excuse me.

Okay, let's see.

You do sound very good on here, too, Kokanee.

So, Kokanee, you're thinking that we should put some ads, like, on Craigslist or something like that,

but say that they need to call in from 10 to 11 p.m.?

Maybe if I did it in, it might make a little better sense if we did it in L.A. over there where Milkman is at,

because it would be from 7 to 8 p.m.

That would be a little less, you know, weird, not as weird.

It would have to be, like, a night position or something like that,

so it would make sense if it was from 7 to 10.

maybe security

I could put an ad

in the paper

for a security job

maybe a stock clerk

stock clerk

or maybe a hotel

you know

hotel night manager

yeah

cleaning

right

maintenance and cleaning

and shit like that

yeah definitely

there you go

definitely

oh you'll get all kinds

of losers calling in

if you start that

fuck yeah

don't call until

after 7pm

ok I'll do that

ok so

we had numbers

we called smarty smart

a few times

twice

that was interesting

rainbow room

I never got to.

We didn't get to those Asian restaurants.

I hit two of the kebab places.

One didn't answer.

One was pretty good.

The other three I'm going to save there for next time.

We didn't get to the end of the road in.

Okay, so we called all the Chinese places.

Those weren't that good.

China, not that good.

They were a little too submissive.

But in Iran, we did have good luck with that first hotel,

the Estegal International Hotel.

I'm going to make a note of that one.

I'm gold-starring that, as a matter of fact,

just to make sure that we do not lose that one.

Because the guy was pretty cool there.

All right, that's marked down.

Cuba, we learned that we can't call using Google Voice.

And, Kokan, you made a good point.

I don't think Google wants to get involved with phone calls to Cuba

because they don't want to be privy to any commerce between, you know,

any illegal, you know, per the embargo commerce or anything like that.

That would be pretty bad if that happened on Google.

They'd probably get fined pretty heavily.

I could just tell the people already, oh, my God.

You can't get Cubas up here in Canada.

That's true, yeah, you can't get them in Canada.

But you can fly to Cuba if you wanted to.

Is that a common thing?

Do people in Canada go to Cuba?

Are there a lot of vacationers that go to Cuba?

They love it.

They love going there.

Yeah?

That's a good place to go?

Do you know of someone who's...

Miss Kokanee went there for 10 days, I think.

Who did?

Miss Kokanee.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Miss Kokanee did.

Oh, wow.

She went to Cuba.

I met her a long time ago.

How is she doing, man, Kokanee?

Oh, she's good.

Yeah, she's really good.

Give her a nice smack of that.

Cool, cool, cool.

Next time we see her for a minute.

Hey, be nice.

She's nice, man.

I've talked to her before.

I'm telling you, next time, Kokanee, go ahead and do a nice little smack.

There you go.

That's right.

Give him a smack.

Hey, what's going on?

No, no, no.

I know I don't.

Hang on now, man.

Don't make presumptions.

Is this French?

There's one right there, and he's going to smack in the ass.

Get up on me.

You got the wrong number.

Making assumptions.

I didn't even get to do what I was asking for.

Bernadette Cooper and Sussess.

Sussess.

Phil Henry.

I heard.

Oh, Kokanee, that says something that you announced last week after the show that Phil

Bill Henry went back to his old format, just with the goofy voices.

And apparently he's streaming this.

Yes, he did.

He comes on in 10 minutes, I think, actually.

I'm going to try to listen to a little bit of that.

Put the info out.

Put the info, stream info out there in the chat room, Cokney.

Yeah, Cokney, I gave you a link to that, right?

Hello?

Yes, you did.

Cooper.

Bernadette Cooper, please.

Bernadette going once.

Bernadette going twice.

No sale.

I've lost the juice.

It's late for me, man.

It's 1 a.m. and I'm done.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

I wanted to make a note here that, was it MSC Thrickley who broke the news here earlier?

Somebody broke the news just a little bit ago.

Soupy Sales died.

So that's pretty...

No!

Look, man, I know you remember him from when you were a teenager.

Yeah, man, he was beat to clock, dude.

Watch your line.

That's way before these kids here, man.

Who's stalking you?

You're a police ship of wargates here.

You're a whippersnapper.

recipe soupy sales good night funny man yeah i used to hear about him but i never really got

to experience him until after i was at a high school like i would hear references to soupy

sales all the time but um afterwards he had that big teeth and big smile and that comb over hair

dude dark hair well i know that he was cool and on howard stern he used to be on right before

howard went on back in the old wmbc days i heard i heard some of the audio on history of howard

Stern, the second part

or the first part? The first one, I think.

It's funny because it had this little war going

on where it was one where Howard was like

he was cutting the piano wires

under the piano, Soupy's

piano, because he left a bunch of trash

and mess and stuff. It's really good radio.

Yeah, if you get a chance,

I'm sure it's up there to download somewhere, History of

Howard Stern. I think it was the first part

that had the Soupy-Howard war.

It was quite interesting, so

I recommend that.

And that's it

Milkman, why don't you take us out of here, white boy

Thank you

That's right, that's right, man

That's right, because we love you

Right here in the madhouse, you know

All you out there listening to us, 98.6

That's right, that's your good buddy

You're the milkman, I'd like to thank everybody

For tuning in, that's right

Everybody over here in our

Shopping, cooking, lunch, and loser

New, new, maven, that's right

Show your titties, yeah

Welcome back

MST3 Clay

That's right

But thank you so much to our

Food Numbers Hitman

That's right

The Lonesome Loser

God loves the Lonesome Loser

And so don't we

And I know I got a message over here

The dad is out there whacking off the gay porn

I hope your blisters heal up

That's why you couldn't see the folks tonight

Hi

That's right

All right, Dr. Leggo, Zolar, that's right.

Yeah, he'll be on tomorrow.

Good to see you, Zolar, Zolar, Party Nation, on tomorrow night.

That's right, stay tuned on your favorite fat channel.

That's right, but I do want to especially thank you.

That's right, our listeners, we do it all for you.

We give you the love every week.

We pay the dime, we just ask for your time, man.

Bring a friend, better yet, bring an enemy and come join us again right here next week.

same bat channel

same bat time

same bat gag

and join our

fearless team

that's right

the generalissimo

of the madhouse

car beat

of El Manito

thank you big dog

thank you

god

you're gonna die

old man

whatever

alright everybody

thank you

specifically

Lonesome Loser

and I'm the

one who already

thanked you

I'd love to thank you

as well because

I fucking can

the website is

madhouselife.com

the podcast is back

the forums are back

everyone be sure to visit

tuckermike.com

that's Tuck's website

I think he fell asleep

with his dick in his hand

over there

yeah

thanks Kokanee

for joining us also

that's it we're out of here

thank you everybody

for showing up

we'll see you next week

yay

yeah

yay

Calls (19, 1 h 35 min of 2 h 27 min)

Transcript

Comments 0