The Piece on the Fleet Special Show
19 Nov 2009 · 1 h 4 min · 9,550 words · source
Calls (19, 29 min of 1 h 4 min)
- Valente calls hotel about fleet live 4.2 min clip ↓
- Hotel Tehran reservation dispute live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Hotel Tehran shoes and insults live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Hotel Tehran shoes and kissing live 3.0 min clip ↓
- Barbecue woman mistaken call live 56 s clip ↓
- Listeners complain about gay jokes live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Kebab shack asked about halal meat and menstruation live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Milkman prank call with 'dead' reference live 39 s clip ↓
- Meatspin.com meat status update live 47 s clip ↓
- Baby poopers eyes opened live 46 s clip ↓
- Barnes Hotel staff call live 36 s clip ↓
- Matrix customer service insulted live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Calling next number after clock rant live 44 s clip ↓
- Random caller about clocks and tea live 56 s clip ↓
- Calling Kevin in Lancashire live 35 s clip ↓
- Calling Kevin about clocks and time live 2.5 min clip ↓
- Calling Ann Griffin about wrong clocks live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Valente called about time consortium live 1.6 min clip ↓
- First Griffin called back about racism live 1.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
Hey.
What is that?
Yeah, I want to make reservations on your computer machine, please.
You want to book it online?
No, I'm going to book it online.
What are you talking about?
I'm on the phone with you now, right?
What, are you trying to make me not do your work for you?
I don't do your work for you.
I pay you good money to do that.
I don't get paid to sit there on the internet and fucking make my own reservations.
You make my reservations for me.
What's your job?
What do you do there, huh?
Are you the janitor?
Who the fuck is this?
The fucker, who is this?
You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.
The motherfucker!
Only noted, phone lady.
Hello, everybody.
Madhouse Radio back on the air.
October the 29th.
What came of that?
It's Halloween Eve.
Halloween Eve.
Excuse me.
There's Milkman, everybody.
Milkman, if you're wondering where he was at.
How to do, Milkman.
How to do, Tuck.
They're both here.
Here, Tuck's website is tuckermike.com.
Milkman doesn't have a website, unfortunately.
Milkman, where can you send people to go?
I do.
MadhouseLive.com.
Yay!
Good answer.
You get a gold star for that.
Milkman on the board with one gold star already, everybody.
Kokanee's also in studio.
Kokanee's busy doing his transcendental meditation.
Kokanee was in a car accident, and then he crashed his car into a...
Security facility.
facility kokanee crashed his car into a tree and a tree fell on top of a moving train ouch yeah
it's fucking bad luck right there yeah but the tree was okay see the tree's okay the tree survived
all right they were able to save the tree thank god bases it looks good and casey's it's bad
let me see through clay agreeing that milkman needs a website so people can download stuff
all right we got numbers here coming in from lonesome loser lonesome loser is the man
the prank call guy the confirmationer i should say thank you yeah good man the numbers hit man
the numbers hit man i would like to call i would like to call i would like to call some of these
um international numbers we've been doing just to have fun definitely not china but we had fun
with some of those iranians last week wow and like the one place has got pretty hostile towards
me and hollywood vanya got a chance to talk to them as his female voice summer vanya summer
summer big johnson and i went well i think milkman tell the people something who's died lately water
of life what's in the news milkman oh my goodness what's the news oh man soupy sales is dead but
that's old news uh kung fu died and uh he died with his penis tied around his neck and uh there's
also a lot of excitement coming up here this weekend that's right trick or treat smell carlito's
That's right, Halloween, man.
Halloween, of course, yeah.
Milkman, that's your birthday.
You're excited about your birthday.
Happy birthday to Milkman on Saturday then, right?
What time were you born?
What time were you born on Halloween?
What time was I born?
30 a.m.
I think I've heard people, depending on the hour you're born even now,
they're actually predicting your future.
So I think we should find out and see how well it's come out,
how well you've come to at this point.
It says that I'm going to be part of a successful Madhouse live crew
right here on your favorite bat channel.
He also says you're going to get
into a horrible car accident at age 82.
And you're 81.
No, no.
That's company.
That's not me.
I'm only 87 years old, buddy.
All right.
All right, folks.
So, Chris says yay for the tree.
Brendan says I smell like rice and beans.
You're all motherfuckers is what I say.
Motherfuckers, all of you.
Even Tuck.
Tuck, the biggest of them.
Motherfucker.
That's important later on in the show.
Thank you.
Remember that.
that motherfucker.
Remember what I just said
that's important later in the show
and you will find out why
next on Madhouse Radio.
Who's Andre Nicotina?
Someone in the chat room.
Sean,
Sean O'Carroll?
Sean Orkle.
Sean Norcal.
Sean,
Sean Norcal.
That sounds too fancy.
I don't like that.
I turned the fucking ringer off,
bitch.
I didn't.
Oh,
it's Kyle calling already.
What's going on there?
You do producing?
You do producing or consulting?
What's the deal?
And what took so long
to pick up the phone
when I called in?
This is Valente.
What took,
why so many rings
When I call in
It rang more than twice for me
It rang like five times
What's the big deal?
I'm sorry, who is this?
This is Valente, I said already
You got something to write with?
Or do I have to keep repeating the same things over and over again?
What's your name?
Valente, my name is Shane
How do you spell that?
I'm writing this down on my papers
You know, don't spell it, you fool
Let me speak to whoever's in charge over there, please
In charge
Well, obviously you're like a kid
So who's the oldest person there then?
I'm sorry
I don't have the time
I'm going to have to hang up on you
I don't have time to speak to the interns
Thank you
I'm not an intern
Well, put me through to the other partner, then, because I already had it with you.
I command you to put him on.
If you don't tell me what you're calling about in about five seconds, hang up the phone.
I'm calling about the piece on the fleet.
That's what.
I'll put him on the line.
On the fleet?
Yes, put him on the line.
There is no...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I'll play the piece on the fleet.
It was rude.
Yeah, it was.
That wasn't rude.
He was.
That was all him.
Is it, man?
That's all me.
And now I turn the fucking ringer off.
Ass song.
I hate that fucking song.
Playing some real music around here, huh?
Playing some real music around here, huh?
Is that what you're doing?
Hold on a second.
I'm going to put you on with somebody else.
Wow, thank you.
I've only been asking for that for the last six minutes.
Yeah, well, you're...
Yeah, well, okay, go ahead.
I'll wait.
Transfer me, please.
Thank you.
A little smart with the mouth, that kid.
Who is this?
Who is this?
I specifically asked not to talk to a woman.
So who am I speaking with?
And please transfer me to the owner.
All right, you have a nice night.
No.
I command you not to hang up the phone.
Who is this?
This is Valente.
Who's Valente?
This kid on the, you got on the phone, that intern guy?
He's a little smart with his mouth, isn't he?
Who is this?
This is Valente.
How can I help you?
I'm calling about the piece on the fleet.
The what?
The piece on the fleet.
I'm not sure what you're talking about.
The Valente fleet, you guys are going to do a piece on it,
and this asshole kid over there got to answer the phone.
He's acting like a dumbass.
He doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Okay, how can I help you?
Listen, you fucking cunt.
Where's the fucking papers, and where's the fucking tape?
right now tell me right now where the master tapes are okay bye-bye now woman he's a fucking
c-word or something i don't know god shut up already what's the hell about she's too happy
peace on the fleet he's rather saucy wouldn't you say i'm intrigued like i said it all makes
sense in the end until i finish this song because the rhyme gets rougher as the rhyme goes on i got
a roast it's not going to be ready for like another fucking 30 minutes i think and i'm so angry
one of the house should be cooking yeah pot roast no no no carrots tatas onions it's a pork roast
it's a pork roast you dummy all right we're gonna go on what's even better oh my yeah i think i
might put my dick in the pork roast it was raw yeah where are you calling iran i ran so far away
couldn't get away hello hello hey don't say that fucking muslim shit to me who is this
Huh?
America.
I command you to speak English now, monkey.
Shut up.
American English now.
I insulted him.
Nice and insultive.
They don't speak English at that place.
Yeah, I know about him.
It's funny when they get into a whole argument with me like they did last week now.
Of the hotels last week.
There could be a new Sam there if we worked on him.
Maybe.
Perhaps.
Perhaps.
I was going to sing a salam alaikum when he answers the phone.
All right.
All right, let's see if it was this one here in Tehran.
Yeah, I think it's this one here, the Tehran Engelhab.
That's the one.
I feel good.
I think this is the ones.
Shut up.
Hello?
Hi, jerk, how you doing?
Yes, this is the jerk.
Yes, I know.
Yeah, I'm calling.
I'm calling about my reservations, you jerk.
Please waiting for what?
Turn on your computer machine right now, sir, you monkey.
Yes, your computer machine.
Where is it?
I'm talking to the reception, my friend.
Yes, and okay, now.
Do you have your computer machine there?
What you're running on that Windows 95?
Hello?
Reservations.
Reservation.
Reservation.
Which day you coming?
Immediately.
Which day you reserve?
Immediately.
I'm coming down there to seize your assets.
You understand?
No.
I'm sorry.
Which day you reserve for, you say?
Uh-huh.
For tomorrow.
You want to reserve?
Yes.
Which day?
Tomorrow, stupid.
Tomorrow?
Yes.
Okay, tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
This time is nobody reservation.
Are you...
Wait a minute.
Are you doing this because I'm American?
Are you racist?
Huh?
The time is now six o'clock in the morning.
No.
After nine o'clock you'll call me.
Fuck you.
Turn on your computer right now.
You're welcome, asshole.
You're welcome.
What a dummy.
Fuck you.
You're welcome.
I love Iran.
I made a police mouth.
All right.
So which one was that one there?
And the rest I have in China.
So it must have been one of those.
But that guy wasn't there tonight.
I remember there was a lady and everything.
And they were all together trying to look up vagina on the computer.
and he got upset because i said what did i tell him like yeah you're uh your computer you can't
you don't have computers in iran this is a third world country he was complaining to hollywood
about that when he called the second time he was like i don't know why your husband is so angry
and he called me and saying i get fucking reservation and uh he said that we don't
have computers he said something like that it was funny it was a hoot hey jerk off what's going on
out over here my reservations huh asshole you heard that that attitude of his you heard him
yes hello speak up i command you to speak higher in a louder voice yes sir what's your name hello
sir what is your name jerk this is the hotel may help you yeah i understand and you people screwed
up my reservations again so i want your name and your badge number and i'm going to have you fired
you understand you're going to have no job oh you want to book the room yeah no i wanted to book a
And you people messed it up again.
You understand?
Okay.
If it's possible, call me back after 7 o'clock.
No.
Because the reservation desk is closed right now.
No, open it right now.
Because the reservation desk is closed.
I command you.
I command you in the name of the United States of America to open the reservation desk right now.
Chef, Chef.
Right now, open the reservation desk.
You.
I'm sorry, sir.
They're not here right now.
You know what you are.
They'll come to the hotel after 7 o'clock.
I'm sorry, sir.
They're not here right now.
They are not here.
You're a dog.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm going to take my sandals off and hit you in the face with them.
You understand what I'm saying?
It's disrespectful to you, right?
Yes, but I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry, I can't hear you open.
And do you know, I don't know what we're talking about, but is it possible...
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
My shoes, my shoes.
You know my shoes?
Your shoes?
Yes.
Your shoes what?
You kiss my shoes.
why didn't he like the shoe joke i don't get it it's a very disrespectful thing is that
it shows like i think isn't it like very disrespectful to hit someone with your shoe
isn't that the biggest insult over there yeah yeah it's like a big throw them yeah
throw them at him throw them or hit him hit him with the shoe or throw them yeah
i told him to kiss him that's even worse you take off your shoes before you go into the
mosque and wash your little feetsies too so it's a big deal with the feets
That's right, that's true
Is it really?
If you're wearing a fake leg
They even make you take off that fake foot too
I cross my legs and point my feet out all the time
That's not good
That's just comfortable to me
It doesn't mean anything, right?
Fuck it!
It's not manly
I don't know
No wonder people look at me
No wonder my mom never wanted me to do that
Give me just a moment here, folks
Folks, next prime call of the night is up.
Yes, hello.
You're going to kiss my shoes now?
This is Valente.
I want you to kiss my shoes.
I want you to put your big lips on my shoes and kiss them.
And take a picture of you kissing my shoes.
I'm looking at the picture right now.
I don't know where the fuck that came from or where it was going, but that's where it went.
She thought it was funny.
She had a good old time with it.
Until I got horny about it.
I was all horny.
All right, cool.
I thought you were going to show up in the panty dropper.
The panty dropper.
Anyway, let's see what else we got.
we got the
hotel in Iran
let's give them
a call
fresh from
Lonesome
Loser
everybody
thank you
for calling
hotel Tehran
please vote
for our
representative
I hate it so much
why they got
people speaking
English when
you call them
I have English
computer machines
didn't we call
a place last week
that the whole
music was like
da da da da da
they need another
yeah
instead of
Indian music
Yeah, what was that?
I'm trying to remember which one that was.
That was funny.
The guy's like, who's old?
Hello.
Hey, asshole, how you doing?
Hello.
Jerk.
Hello.
Yes, hello.
Hello.
Hi, where are my shoes?
Yes.
My shoes!
Your shoes are in my pocket.
Your shoes are in my shoes in your pocket?
Huh?
Because I hit you with my shoes, and I made you kiss my shoes and my feet,
like a dirty dog pig that you are.
Is it the time to bother and fumble more, right?
What?
Yeah, you want to mess with me?
Huh?
I'm an important person.
I like kissing you.
you dogs are kissing you what the what what what dogs kissing me what did he say no seriously now
i'm kind of scared did he give me a curse or something i think he says the dogs are kissing
me what yeah i think he said dogs are kissing me let's call him back and find out nothing wrong
we'll call him back right we got that right this is america we call people back in america bitch
hello america want some parmesan cheese sorry no one is available to answer the call to leave a
a message, press 1. To enter another
extension, 2. Welcome to the general
delivery mailbox. Please leave a message at the
tone. Muhammad is a gay.
It's true, he was a gay.
KDK says that.
KDK says, oh, KDK was
on a show. He said, I don't know if you
know, but everybody, but Jesus was a gay
and Muhammad was a gay. He said that one time.
No, he didn't. I don't know.
That'd be a funny rant
if you went off about how people
were gay. Muhammad was a pedophile.
Moses was a gay. Muhammad was a
a pedophile yeah he probably was probably was he married a nine-year-old girl yep yep yep all right
we got another hotel in iran let's give them a call let's see what's up see what the deal is
with iran why are they so angry we're nice people right not me all right everybody we're calling
here let's do it
Hey, how you doing there, big guy?
Okay.
You just need to be scared of Carlito.
I'm not even American.
I'm Puerto Rican.
Let's call Lovejoy Ranch B&B.
This concept works 6.20 in the morning in Tehran.
It's what 20?
6.20?
6.20.
6.20.
Nice.
We should call him up 420 one time.
Oh, that reminds me.
Remind me of that.
Remind me of what I just said.
Breaking news.
Breaking news.
Old lady, how you doing, big girl?
I didn't know the secret in your sauce.
You've got the wrong number.
No, is this the barbecue woman?
No, it's not.
What do you do there?
You watch TV?
Who is with the old woman just laughing at me tonight?
They love me.
Oh, you're so funny.
Why are you laughing at me?
You're just a funny little kind of guy.
You're a comedy man.
Cyan Pranks making a complaint here, everybody.
We got breaking news.
Cyan Pranks says,
Dude, chill out with the gay bashing stuff.
this is the first time i've listened tonight in a while and you scared me off oh man i don't know
who this guy is i never heard of this guy before cyan pranks i'm kidding i know he is well cyan
you know what you're for your prank call you roll with the punches what's your fucking problem you
people all the time with this i'm just fucking joking around here god damn it we're doing a
fucking prank call show you can't sit here make fun of f-necks people and uh sexual orientations
jesus christ what is your fucking problem kid you want to call and make spick jokes go ahead
How are you offended if you're making a friend call?
God damn it, man.
You're just taking me to the gays.
Be proud if you're a queer.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, man.
Enough of that.
Enough of you.
Don't listen to your band.
Somebody's got to do it.
Someone's got to get you people in check.
I heard that all the gays that got married, they're already getting divorces.
Three divorces already in California.
Milkman, did you hear about that?
About the gays getting divorced?
He's probably upset that I called Muhammad.
Muhammad, I'm up there.
Chris had a divorce.
Yeah.
Rose is getting a divorce, too, apparently.
He's probably upset that I said that Muhammad is a gay, because that's really bad.
That's a low blow.
All right, cool, man.
You're right.
You're my bad.
I'll take that back, all right?
A long way.
Come on.
A long way.
Come on.
Yeah, it's us me taking it back right there.
All right.
Now the gays are mad.
We're going to get banned.
We'll never make it to Hollywood now, Milkman.
Good job.
Ha!
Oh, fuck.
Forget that.
Forget the Madhouse movie we were planning for 2012.
Blackballed.
Blacklisted.
I guess it won't be filmed in the Bay Area, huh?
I guess not.
Scratch that.
Big chase scene in the Bay Area.
No more.
The final fight climax in Key West.
Out of here.
No way.
All right, so I was going to say, ladies and gents who are listening right now,
we've got a breaking news announcement.
All right, so in January is my last semester at school,
and unfortunately the only time that I can take a particular class,
it ends at 9.30 p.m. on Thursday.
So I think it's smart to say we've got an option now to choose another night
and another time to start the show, either temporarily,
and if it works out we can stick to it on a permanent basis.
But it will be for about five months starting in the beginning of January.
So what do you think?
What are your thoughts?
What do you think?
I'm thinking Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
I like that idea.
What do you guys think?
How does that work with your scheduled Milkman and Tuck?
Tuesdays, Eastern, 8 p.m.
Yeah, that sounds like a good schedule, man.
All right.
Kokanee, how do you feel about that?
How would that work for you?
Do you listen to the show a lot?
Would you be working still?
I think Tuesdays are good.
I can arrange for Tuesdays just like Thursdays are.
There you go.
But 8 p.m., because I'm thinking not starting at 10 anymore.
I'm thinking going earlier, like 8 p.m., maybe doing 8 to 12.
Earlier we can catch a lot of West Coast calls that are still in business day.
Yeah, that's true, Melvin, because if we start doing pranks on the West Coast at 8 p.m. Eastern,
it's 5 p.m. on the West Coast.
And in Hawaii it's 4 p.m., right?
Alaska's 3 p.m. still, so yeah, it does open up a lot of opportunities there.
So I'm thinking.
Justin says Sunday.
No, Sunday doesn't work for me.
Fridays?
Fridays don't work for me.
I don't want to.
Athena wouldn't be happy if we couldn't do Fridays.
Nina's very excited about 8 p.m.
Plus, Zola's always entertaining on Fridays.
Well, Zola's off until January.
He said he's not coming back until after the holidays.
He's going to start his shows again.
That's what he says.
What, when, since Fridays or Saturdays?
we can't do Saturdays
we won't make it a whole month
a lot of our listeners listen to KDK on Saturday
so I don't want to alienate them at all
I want them to be able to listen to whatever
they want to listen to
yeah that's true
Fridays would be good that's 6 of my time
Chris is at 6 his time
I'm thinking 8pm sounds good
so Tuesdays at 8
what are the options Wednesdays
I think I have a class on Wednesday also
I don't think that's going to work
Sean is saying that he gets my show
on the T-Mobile G1.
What are you using for it?
I got a G1 here right in front of me.
What app are you using?
I'm trying to find...
I was trying to find a good Shellcast app,
but I couldn't really figure one out.
Let me know what you're using,
what it's working.
I'd like to know.
I definitely would like to know.
I love my G1, dude.
I was looking at the stuff today for the new Verizon.
It has the Android phone coming out called Droid.
Oh, my God, dude.
It's way better than any of the other Android phones right now
because it actually has decent hardware in it,
so it can run the OS very well.
It doesn't stutter.
It doesn't chop.
so I'm
right now
I'm wishing
I was a Verizon customer
I would love to get that phone
Nindu says
that I go out
cottaging on Fridays
thank you
alright so I think
we're looking at
we still have a lot of time
to make that decision
I think most importantly
we gotta check with
Lonesome Loser
Lonesome Loser
let me know
what your schedule's like
cause it would suck
not doing the show
without
trying to do the show
without you
I don't know if 8pm
is too early for him
I'll definitely go
at 10pm on a Tuesday
as opposed to 8
that means that we'd have
Lonesome Loser around
so let me know homeboy
iPhone has a good shoutcast
at what one says
I'm sure they do
they're slowly all the apps are slowly finally starting to make it over to uh android there
apparently there was a push to make like an iphone app emulator uh for android so you could take any
iphone app and run it on android but apparently it hit some legal barriers and that's not going
to work so that kind of sucked i was kind of excited when i heard about that but unfortunately
it's not to be what i really want is a serious app a serious radio app for android they've got
Got it for the iPhone and the iPod Touch.
It's time to bring it to Android.
Bring it home to Android so I can listen to my Howard Stern on my G1.
All right, folks, let's do another prank call.
Let's see what else we got here.
Oh, yeah, dude, I was spending a lot of time.
I forgot to mention this last weekend or last week.
Last weekend was the last weekend of, oh, God, what was it on Sirius?
The Money Python channel.
They had 10 days of the Money Python channel
celebrating 40 years of Money Python, I think it was.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, oh, it was awesome.
24-7 Money Python skits and interviews and songs.
They got the documentary running last week on IFC.
Oh, yeah?
They did?
Okay, cool.
I'll have to try to find it.
Hey, check it out.
We're one of the 30 stations on the comedy radio app for G1.
Are we really?
Oh, that's awesome.
Cool.
Yeah, Sean just reported that.
Oh, yeah.
What's it called?
Hang on, I'm going to add it right now.
As a matter of fact, let me get on my G1 right here and see it
and see how it works.
Let's see if it works.
Good find there, Sean.
Hey.
Yeah, good little snooker.
That stuff, I'll put that on the website.
I'm redesigning the website.
It's about 50% done.
It'll be a lot nicer soon.
How do we swing that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Somebody obviously has good taste.
Yeah, obviously somebody out there.
Well, hey, look.
I mean, I've got an Android phone, so obviously I have good taste.
All right, let's see here.
It's called what?
The Comedy.
Comedy.
Where'd it go?
What's it called?
Help me.
I lost it in the chat.
Comedy Radio.
Comedyradio, Comedyradio app.
All right, searching and searching.
There are no matches in Android Market for the search Comedyradio.
Well, now I'm confused.
All right, help me out with that, Eric, because that didn't show up.
I've had the app for almost a year.
Yeah, see, he said that.
Let's see if we can get a URL from him.
Yeah, that's not really a URL.
Just let me know what to search for in the market.
I don't think you can do a URL for the Android Market.
It's on your phone, dude.
I can't just search it online.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'll look up Shellcast again.
and maybe I'll see it if I do that.
Anyway, this is some prank calls, everybody.
Chris wants us to do his number.
I didn't know you sent one in.
Let me see.
Chris sent in a number for a random number
he found on the floor of his room
and I have no idea what it is.
Oh, my God, man.
You're always something else, aren't you?
You know it's some bullshit here.
It says comedy radio is what you look for.
I did.
I did comedy radio.
All right, let me look here.
Droid Live.
What comedy app?
Stream Live Radio.
radio ant players radio nagari rock and droid light that's a new one i never saw that one before
there's a lot more of them this time around that i'm looking i haven't looked in a few months i
hacked my uh my g1 i put a a different build on it it's much nicer you should look into that there
sean it's not hard to do at all
nagari rock and
roll no tune wiki no no no tell us about the the 420 breaking news that was the schedule change
yeah that's what it was that's what i had to talk about because you guys were talking about phone
you know about times and stuff like that so that's what it was so i don't know it's a bad
news it might be good news i think it might be nice to bring this fucking earlier you know
Be nice.
Do you have any U.K. numbers in the hatch?
Uh, U.K. numbers.
I don't know.
From last week, I might have some.
But it's an hour earlier.
There's been a time change.
What time is it there now, then?
So it's 2 a.m.?
Hey, what's going on there, big girl?
Hey, I want to get an order for them kebabs.
Yeah?
You guys got steak meats?
What do you guys do down there?
What kind of meats do you do down there?
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Yeah?
Half a chicken.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
And you put the stir-fry on the kebab?
Is this halal meat?
Um, we're a Thai restaurant.
Oh, no.
Yeah, you're thinking about the Indian cuisine, right?
No, this is a kebab shack, right?
Um, no, we're Tarika Thai now.
When you're not, oh, man, really?
So you're like, you don't have your face covered or anything?
You're showing your hair?
You're not, you don't have, you're showing your hair and stuff?
Yeah, like I can see your hair when I go down there?
Yeah, we're Thai.
That's nasty.
That's sick.
Do they let you handle the food when you're a woman?
They let you handle the food when you're a woman?
even when you're menstruating and stuff because you're not clean right okay like when you're on
your period like are you touching the food anything else i can help you with can you tell me if you're
dirty right now or not you're unclean okay back again i'll call the police i'm blocking my number
ladies so you don't know what my parents number is okay so shut up yeah okay don't call here no
more whatever you'll be in big trouble okay thank you i'm gonna tell my mom that you lied
all right what else we got here hey where would i find um sound effects that i'm listening for
looking for a list of sound effects or something i can download meet spin.com as a matter of fact
it's a good site for that i don't know if you've ever been there before no man i don't want no
seriously dude i don't know
fuck you milkman fuck you yeah milkman it's a trap is that the dead i'm presuming that the dead
is in there who's this the dead is that dd i i told him that they were asking about him earlier
yeah it sounds just about like the dead something the dead would say oh beaters oh i'm excited about
that let's call fanny real quick see if the meat's ready it's a meat spin.com this prank call brought
Brought to you by Meatspin.com.
Hello.
Hey, go check on that meat.
Take the phone with you.
Waiting on the meat status here, everybody.
I'm telling you, I'm all about meat tonight.
I want to take a break, but I ain't going to take a break until there's meat.
That's all I got to say.
Meat, uh, think happy meat.
Think happy meat.
Jesus, I told her to take the phone with me.
All right, everybody, breaking news.
We have meat.
Meat is ready.
Meat is ready, so I'm going to take a break and eat some meat.
When we come back, we'll have more prank calls.
About ten minutes ago, a guy tried to break into my truck.
Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.
Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.
98.6.
And toll free at 1-888-278-8509.
You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.
So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.
Madhouse Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
We're back.
Extra long break there, sorry.
It was like 10 minutes.
More than that.
I was eating meat, so okay, I told you.
You should have known.
When you heard, oh, Carlita's going to eat meat.
This is going to be gone for five minutes.
that's like five minutes in puerto rican time it's like 10 minutes but i'll tell you what belly
poor me yeah money oh i got the itis but i'm gonna tell you something that you know what you do here's
what you do man with your meat i made this uh you know you take soy sauce right and then i take soy
i i get a big bowl no i got a big bowl right and i put the the the roast in there the meat that
i'm going to be roasting and i let it sit there with a little bit of olive oil and then soy sauce
and I put ginger in there, right?
And a little bit of sea salt.
Not too much because soy is very salty.
Leave it in there in the fridge.
And, dude, that's a great marinade right there.
It's a very Asian marinade.
So you had an Asian roasted pork.
Pretty good.
Good stuff.
Good, bro.
Yummy, yummy.
Next time I'm going to try it,
I'm going to do soy sauce with ginger
and some onion peel.
Onion peel.
Fucking orange peel.
I'm going to citrus it up a little bit.
Let's see what that does.
Put a little bit of sesame oil in with it, too, bro.
Now, that is a real nice flavor.
Yeah.
All right, sesame oil.
I got some breaking news for you here, Mano.
Everybody out there in the chat room, 98.6 the mile.
What?
I got a message, and Sweet Kisses said that the baby poopers have opened their eyes now.
Didn't that happen three weeks ago?
No, no, they were born.
That's when they were born.
This is next time that they've actually opened their eyes.
Oh, okay.
It was like two weeks ago.
How long ago?
Two weeks ago, Baba?
yeah two weeks ago 10 more poopers and now they've opened their eyes baby poopers good deal well good
luck with her and selling them they'll be walking yeah that that poor uh mama dog that's gonna be
it for it right you can't be you can't uh breed her anymore that's enough the poor dog you don't
want to know if baby is going to the baby puppy parrot is going to have any more poopers after
this she said no all right good she's retired the pooper baby is going into retirement folks so
So this is your last chance to get any baby poopers.
All right, folks.
We've got the Barnes Hotel in England, and we also have the Woodland Manor.
In Mantua, it's poopers.
I had no idea.
Some kind of dog.
Pooper dog.
These dogs are shit all over the place.
They're living animals with tails that sniff around and poop around, and they're cute and make a lot of noise.
Thank you.
Good point, Tuck.
Hey, how you doing there, man?
I want to speak to Nate.
Do you have that name?
Nate.
Put him on your hide in front.
I know you've got some kind of front over there.
at, huh? You got him in the back, in the case? Let him out. Jerk off. Where the panda bear's
at? Thank you very much. Goodbye. No. Don't hang up. Please. Sometimes I ask him and I
say don't hang up. And what does it give me the option to redial? Like, press 2 to do
this. It never does that anymore, piece of shit. Ugh. That was a shitty call.
Matrix, yo. Good morning. Fucking Matrix, yo. What's going on, big guy? Hello? Hello.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey.
What is that?
Yeah, I want to make reservations on your computer machine, please.
You want to book it online?
No, I'm going to book it online.
What are you talking about?
I'm on the phone with you now, right?
What, are you trying to make me not do your work for you?
I don't do your work for you.
I pay you good money to do that.
I don't get paid to sit there on the internet and fucking make my own reservations.
You make my reservations for me.
What's your job?
What do you do there, huh?
Are you the janitor?
Hello?
How can I help you?
What do you do?
What's your job there, sir?
I'm the assistant night manager.
Uh-huh.
So what's going on that you don't like to take reservations?
You don't like business?
I didn't say I don't like to book a room.
Yeah, but do I have to go to the internet to do it?
No, you can book it by phone with me if you want.
Listen, why didn't you change all your clocks back?
Excuse me?
An allegation has been received that the left one at the wrong time.
You left one of the clocks at the wrong time there, apparently.
Did you change all the clocks?
Hey, manager.
Monkey boy.
You listen?
Hello, monkey.
Donkey.
Listen.
Excuse me, but why are you insulting me?
Because you're not answering my questions, and I'm getting upset.
I'm rude.
I'm American, and I get angry, donkey.
Okay, I'm not going to continue with this.
Listen, you know what you are?
You're a chair, because I sit on you.
I fart.
Sit down on you, and I fart on you like a chair, like a nasty chair.
That's what you are.
Good night, sir.
Have a good night.
You're a chair in a funeral home where the old people sit.
That was fun.
Why are you insulting me?
I'm going to be more insultive.
And that's a good idea, Nunu, that you're sending in about the clock machines.
Is that right?
Very good idea.
So we change our clocks on Saturday, everybody.
Woo!
this is weird because i'm so used to not changing clocks man oh that's right in the virgin islands
man in the caribbean we never change them man fastest rage against the machine ever
incredible asking we don't know the video feed is it should be back up soon i just got to throw
the fucking widget back up on the website man for now i just haven't had a chance to put it back up
there um i got shaved mince at kokanee found there online that's pretty interesting you want to try
I'm trying to see who we're going to call next.
Let's see here.
Who do we call next?
You got any UK numbers?
UK numbers.
I think I do.
I'm pretty sure I do.
Well, we got the ones that he's sending in now.
We could try to call another one of those hotels.
Ass is his clothes.
All right, now he wants us to call his brother, is it now?
He gets mad easy.
What's your brother's name?
The horse's ass?
Donkey.
Is he gay, too?
Yeah, I got him.
I'm seeing him.
I'm ready to call him, but you got to tell me what the fucking guy's name is, Donkey.
Brotherly love.
Hi.
Brotherly love.
Brotherly lust.
They've probably seen each other naked a few times.
Well, while he works on that and giving me his name, we're going to...
Yay.
We're doing this machine night tonight.
Second half of the show, apparently.
Message off to the tone.
Yes, hello.
I was calling because I was interested in seeing how you were doing and just calling in to
see how things were and how you're doing.
You know, just to see generally how things are going down there and see how you all
all we're doing over there i hope everyone's doing and i hope i see how's it going also and
how you're doing so just let me know give me a call back and let me know what the what for is
thanks bye nice to miss you though here in the morning a little bit oh yeah i love tea i love
fucking icy so much you're from the south talk i know you like tea also you little monkey
i'm not florida is not this i'm not a south well it's like geographically perhaps but
but when it comes to, like,
when it comes to the culture
and the intelligence,
I don't think so.
The necks just aren't as red down in Florida.
I think so.
There's a lot of people that live there.
There's more people from here that live,
you know, that are from up north in the Midwest
and shit than are rednecks.
It's, like, deep south, like, where you're from.
You know, we got fuckin' Miami.
It's like a fuckin' international haven.
They say that Atlanta's the capital of the South.
That's bullshit.
Miami's the capital.
It's the biggest city in the South.
What's bigger, Miami or Atlanta?
It's got to be Miami, right?
How come Miami's never had the Olympics?
Fuck.
What's up with that?
We didn't talk about that in our hiatus.
Chicago didn't get the Olympics, man.
It went to Rio.
Fucking nuts.
Too many Cubans.
Yeah, good point.
What a fucking joke, though.
Atlanta got the Olympics and Miami's never had it.
Let's see what we got.
Kevin.
All right.
Lancashire, England.
Let's give Kevin a call.
See how Southern Bob's doing.
All right.
Lancashire, yeah.
Lancashire.
That's right next door to where Nunu lives.
You know, Nunu's from Wankershire.
You're from San Francisco, Milkman.
What's that about?
It's the anti-gay show.
Hi.
It's the anti-gays.
Hello, Kevin.
Can I speak with Mr. ***, please?
Mr. Smith, who's calling?
No, Mr. ***.
You're a woman, right?
Yeah, who is that?
Are you a woman or a man?
Yeah, who's calling?
This is Valente.
I need to speak to Mr. Smith, and you sound feminine to me,
so I don't know if I should be talking to you, right?
Mr. Smith, who's calling?
This is Valente.
Womanette.
Hurry up.
Hey, it's Valente. How are you doing, Kevin?
Who's that?
This is Valente.
Who's Valente?
Valente, yeah. I was calling because you forgot to set your clocks back.
What are you talking about?
I'm calling from the National Clock Association.
The National Maritime Clock Association.
Did you change your clock machines?
Yeah, I did, yeah.
Was it wrong?
No, no, no. You set it wrong, though.
Did you set it back or forward an hour?
Was it much?
Because you set it wrong and you're causing a problem with the space-time continuum right now.
It's detected at your house.
so we're giving you a call to fix your clocks as soon as possible, please.
You're messing up the, huh?
Okay, moving.
No, no, no, wait a minute, but tell me, wait a minute,
what time did you set it to, you asshole?
Jerk off.
You didn't answer my fucking question.
I'm going to confuse them and tell them they were supposed to set it back, not forward.
No, it's back, right?
You fall back.
You fall back, and you spring forward.
So I'm going to tell people that they got it wrong.
Set it forward an hour, and then they say,
no, wait a minute, you've got to set it forward another hour,
because now you're compensating.
I'm going to make it very confusing.
Matthew and I are neighbors.
He's from Wankershire.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Nice.
Makes perfect sense.
Let's call Ann Griffin and tell them about the clocks being wrong.
They got the wrong clocks.
Clocks are messed up.
8.6 in mouth, chat.
You know what we're talking about.
If you're not, you need to join it now.
Yeah, madhouselive.com forward slash chat.
Join everybody in there.
A lot of people in there.
The last of this call is two cents per minute.
Here, here, here, here.
Six, four, nine, four.
Six, four, nine, four.
What's your 20?
Hello?
pardon yeah hey is this the griffin hey what's going on big guy i'm calling why don't you go to
sleep it's too early no wait a minute now listen sir this is urgent matter here now you got a
problem over there with the clocks you need to fix them you understand old man old man he's a racist
he's a racist old man i command you to speak there call somebody else yes milkman he's a racist i
got it i got it okay okay i heard you oh we're anti-gay that means you're racist that's what
It's a kitty cave.
Doesn't a kitty cave say that?
It's a kitty cave.
It's a kitty cave.
It's a kitty cave.
It's a kitty cave.
Now, cyan pranks is another one.
They're just too good for each other.
They can't take a joke.
They can't take a fucking joke.
Well, I'm a prank caller.
I can't take a joke.
When?
Listen, lady.
I'm a gay.
I'm a gay.
I'm from the United States of America Maritime Time Control Consortium.
You guys got a problem with your clocks over there.
You sent them the wrong way.
Speak up.
Yes, what's the problem?
What time?
Did you put your clocks back or forward?
Back.
You're supposed to put them forward.
No.
No, no, no.
This year we're doing it backwards.
We're going to spring forward in the fall and fall back in the spring.
I don't mean to be rude, but it's 4 o'clock in the morning here.
Oh, no, but it's not really 4 o'clock.
Listen, stupid.
It's 6 o'clock.
Change the time.
Hurry up.
I'll wait here.
You're causing a rift in the space-time continuum.
Hello, sir?
Sir.
All right.
We let her know.
Ben showed her.
It's not four, actually.
It's six.
And we have another guitar machine.
That raged against the machine machine.
Hello?
What's going on?
Hey, big girl.
I'm Valente.
I'm calling from the United States National Time Consortium,
the Naval Training Center in Vermont.
I think you've actually dressed me up,
and I don't think I'm really very pleased.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
No, there's a problem with the clocks over there,
with the time consortium.
You understand?
You set your clocks wrong.
Did you set your clock back or forward?
You actually are ringing a private line
And I have nothing to do with anything you've been
No no no wait a minute
You're supposed to change your clocks
Your clock
The time
The change clock time
Remember
You change your clock
Okay
Oh man
I'm going to start waking people up
Just telling them
Hey your sister woke up
She's not pleased with you at all
I'm going to tell you
You forgot to put your clock back
Now you're late for work
What
Doesn't make any sense
You beat early
But I won't tell them that
Big girl that is the best
Yes it is
I love saying big girl
Hey big girl
the best is when they would say big girl to people
when I was looking for jobs
there was one lady that took a really big offense to it
a few times
here's what an episode she's like
we gotta do a day call
we gotta do a day show one of these times
we can't have a job on the show
yeah there was an episode once
where I called the lady three times
and the first two times
the first time I called her hey big girl
she got upset
I called her back
she's like you're the one that just called me
saying hey big girl
so no
and she hung up
and I called back a little later with a different voice
and again I had her like
she's all ready to take my resume and all this stuff
and I said yeah I got your email
address it's biggirl at biggirlsforjobs.com
and she goes oh you're funny
you're funny
and goodbye
she hung up oh that was the best
alright let's call this fag Jeff
I'm sorry I keep saying anti-gay stuff
you're right maybe it means I am a gay in real life
because of Sigmund Freud
Sigmund Freud
i think i think simon freud just had all the obsessions that he kept talking about
yeah well you want to talk on new new griffins is the racist and griffin is the racist guy on tv
yes that's right but it's fun to talk about the the clocks new new come on you know i've been
reading this all night this guy named griffin is a racist we got it we got it yeah congratulations
He's a racist
If I don't want to do the racist thing
Alright, let's call the last one back
And ask her about the racist thing
The one that talked to us, the older guy
The guy that talked to us, actually, he talked some shit
Let's see, the first griffin
I'm going to call him back and we'll ask him about the racist thing
You're right, Nunu, I'm sorry
He said to tell his mother
He said we knew
His mother lived there
He's okay, Nunu
Accusing him of being a racist
A racist, non-clock-moving motherfucker.
Hello?
Hey, listen, you racist people over there didn't change your clocks over.
You know what?
Why don't you go to sleep and let us sleep as well?
Why don't you stop being racist people?
See, you didn't know that.
Start hating blacks.
Start hating blacks.
Yeah.
Be racist.
They don't have a use for the Irish.
Yeah, the Irish, right?
Yeah, because they're Irish.
That's why.
Mostly.
What about the Scots?
Why do they got a problem with the Welsh?
Dude, I don't know.
They all hate each other.
It's like Palestine over there.
You know, let's see what else we got.
That's right next door to New Newstown
Wankershire, England
I like this song
Ancient Clan Disagreement
Yeah, probably Kokanee, is that what it is, probably
How about Fucking Your Cousins
Trevor Williams, let's do it
That sounds about right
I need you to send a signal to my cable box
To restart it, please
It's not working
That's what I was thinking to do though
Call Comcast
And have them send a signal
To restart the cable
the tv out there in the living room and athena's watching it she'll not be able to watch her show
she'll get mad that was funny ass we used to do those calls the bt remember when jen used to come
on the show who never heard of him i haven't heard of him for a long time what the hell happened
all right william
hello i'm the racist policeman understood please speak i command you to speak you know who i don't
know where that came from i'm the racist policeman all right you know what i'm a piercing man yeah
You know what?
I'm out of here.
Milkman, take us out of here.
Thank you.
Etermon, you do.
I want to thank everybody for tuning in tonight.
That's right.
Your latest edition of the Madhouse right here.
I want to especially thank our numbers hitman.
That's right.
Also want to thank our special representative in Wankershire, England.
Sir, my neighbor.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Look at me, our news reporter here in the Madhouse.
Thank you so much.
Chuck, our artiste, it's George Snare.
Hello?
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Jeff, you're a sellout.
You know that?
A what?
You're a fucking sellout.
Sellout?
Sellout, yeah.
You sold out, man.
Oh, yeah?
You fucking read it out on a bunch of fucking people.
What the fuck's up with that, right?
You sellout.
How am I a sellout?
You know they're just going to fucking use you anyway when you get up ahead.
All they're going to do is fucking use your ass.
Such a fucking sellout.
White boy sellout, man.
Oh, yeah?
You're an asshole, bro, for real.
after what you did to me and my girl?
What did they offer you?
What did you get?
What the fuck did you get, asshole?
What did you get?
Because I want that fucking shit right now.
I want half of that fucking shit.
You understand?
I want half of that fucking shit.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know what?
I'm gonna fuck up your car.
Are you?
You're gonna go to your car
and it's gonna be all fucked up, man.
It's gonna be all fucked up.
I'm gonna rip all the fucking seats.
I'm gonna rip the fucking seats up, man.
I'm gonna break the fucking light bulbs.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna take a knife.
If I'm going to pop two of the tires on opposite ends,
you've got to fucking move the jack and everything fucking two times, asshole.
All right.
There you go.
That's Jeff, everybody.
That's for the Chris Eller break.
He wanted us to call Jeff for some reason or another.
There you have it.
He's pissed him off so much that he needs to piss him off back.
Well, there you go.
We talked about that.
All right, Milkman, where were you?
Oh, I was thanking, I tried, an artist extraordinaire, Mr. Tut.
Thank you so much for joining us.
and also all of our friends over there in the Madhouse chat,
MSP, PC, PC, Loke, Game, Green, Pitch, Judge, Brennan, Sean, and NorCal.
That's our test chip.
Thanks a lot for everybody for joining in, but especially you.
That's right, our listener.
I'd like to thank you because every week we do this for free.
That's right, absolutely.
No dime from you.
All we do is ask for your time.
So do not miss the next installment of the Madhouse right here at 98.6.
Next Thursday, same bat change, same bat town, same bat time.
But without our fearless leader, the Generalissimo of the Madhouse, what will we do?
God bless you, Hermione Tully.
Over to you, Big Five.
All right, thank you, Milkman.
I would like to thank all of you for listening tonight.
Everybody who Milkman mentioned already.
TuckerMike.com, that's his website for Tuck.
TuckerMike.com.
Tuck as in Tuck.
Happy Halloween, everybody.
Whoopie.
Happy Halloween.
Hey, Tuck.
Okay, well, you got something.
Did you upload anything to your website for Halloween?
Did you have any special pictures or anything?
What's going on with that?
Not really, but, I mean, you can go to the blog part portion of it.
There's a Revolutalk.
If you click on Revolutalk, you can see all kinds of Halloween-y kind of shit.
I found that was cool and put it up there.
Here are some sketches and stuff, but it's not exactly Halloween-related, but it's cool.
Ah, I get it.
All right, yeah.
Yeah, I get it, I get it, yeah, I get it.
Just a couple of days left.
Just a couple of days left, that's right.
Everybody, seriously, go visit Tuck's website.
Go visit Milkman's MySpace and madhouseslap.com is where you've been all night.
I know you've been there.
Doggies.
Catch you next week.
Thank you.
You a doggy, you son of a...
Point six.
ML.
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