Toasted Mashed Potato Sandwich – Thanksgiving ’09 Show

I mean, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just working here, so, if you don't explain to me what's going on, I cannot help you.

And if you're insulting me again, definitely not help you, sir.

Beginning will be enemy, try to help, okay?

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

What the fuck is this?

Hey, holy shit.

Okay.

Hey, buddy, welcome to the show.

What made you there?

For my day, damn, dead, dead turkey day, my brother.

They should add us some turkey today.

i tell you what oh hell i ate the shit out of it literally like as we got the turkey my mom

got the turkey right she brought over here to the house raw and i took it to the bathroom

i took it to the bathroom first and i ate the ass out of it literally like i went down

on the oh hell oopy oopy oopy baby you can't beat that i ate the shit out of the turkey man hey

everybody thanks for listening thanksgiving night just ended actually it's midnight it's officially

black friday black why you gotta call it black motherfucker that's what i said

yeah man it's the day right now midnight and friday on the west coast that means the walmart's

opening and shit and fucking chaos right now how many people you think just died right now milkman

i say four people died already right now on the east coast at least man they're gut butt

death toll this year is going to be eight people dead four people on the east coast

Let's just probably just fucking die.

And there'll be more than that dead trying to get into the doors of these stupid sales.

Yeah, no kidding.

Milkman, you're asking the quality as well.

I'm concerned that on my end, I've got really loud audio on my mic and on your mic.

So if you can bring yours down a little bit.

You sound pretty good, actually.

Oh, okay.

If you can bring yours down a little bit, we might be all right.

And it's just because of myself.

This is cool, though.

Hey, Kokanee's here also.

Big fat Kokanee.

Yes, he is.

Hey, what's going on?

I got a problem with the sound effects.

We have no Black Friday in Canada.

No, you don't do that because it's not Thanksgiving.

You already have Thanksgiving in October, right?

Isn't that when you do it?

Or something, October 20th?

About two weeks ago, I think it was.

Two or three weeks, something like that.

Would you eat some beaver, Canadian?

What do you have over there?

Do you have some pasta?

Would you eat Thanksgiving?

Tell me about it.

Everybody usually has turkey and stuff out here.

I think we actually had ours in the house here.

We had ours on a different date because I think I was working

and Mrs. Kokanee was working

so nobody was here.

Missanee was working also.

So you don't have a big shopping day

where everybody goes out to die

for 50% off fucking Cholos, right?

That doesn't happen in Canada.

There's no day like that.

There should be a day like that.

I think that's what the problem is

with some of your folks

and you're so angry about Kokanee.

So you don't have a day

where you just get your...

No, Boxing Day.

Boxing Day.

You don't...

What's...

Why Boxing Day?

Yeah, that's the big one

where everybody lines up.

Okay, so explain this to me, please.

I always ask this.

I never get a straight answer from you folks,

and I don't know why you Canadians never tell me a straight answer.

Is it called Boxing Day because you put stuff in boxes?

Is that what the deal is?

Yes, sir.

You put stuff in boxes, all the stuff that you got for Christmas,

and you don't want.

You put it into a box, and you take it back.

That's horrible.

Cool.

All right, well, fine.

That's pretty horrible, actually.

Why would you give stuff back?

I just like to keep everything.

I keep it, and you can always gift it back to somebody, man.

can't i guess it's better to send it back and get money back right get your gift receipt you can

send it back get some cash and and you can go gambling exchange it for something that uh you

may want weed that's the way to work in here smoke weed every day probably that's a good idea

that's what i would do that's boxing day would be the best day of the year i buy the best weed that

day right there send all the roaches that's awesome kokanee well dude i'm sorry that you

didn't get to eat turkey today but you had it two weeks ago why don't you bring it up two weeks

weeks ago, why don't you say, hey, everybody, it's fucking Canadian Thanksgiving. I'm going

to have turkey and beaver. Motherfucker. I like turkey. Now tell me about, since you're

Canadian, Canadian football, do they play at this time of year or do they play like

in the opposite end of year that the United States real American football plays? No, they're

still playing right now. And actually, I have a relative that's going to be in the

The Grey Cup.

All right.

That's awesome.

The Grey Cup, man.

Wow.

Is that like the Super Bowl over there, or is it just a special game?

Yeah, Super Bowl equivalent, yeah.

The Grey Cup.

I hear you.

That's awesome.

Congratulations.

Good luck to him.

What team does he play?

Does he play out of Ottawa, Toronto, Ontario, Manitoba?

Where does he play out of?

Saskatchewan.

British Vancouver.

Saskatchewan.

Saskatchewan, okay.

That's cool.

All right.

Is there a big game on your Thanksgiving always, like we have here?

there's always a big game on in the afternoon on thanksgiving day we have three of them this year

motherfucker do you guys have football games on that day that you watch on tv is that the same

thing does that translate over there you see it's a big deal here right milkman the thanks the

thanksgiving game absolutely man that's a part of the tradition right there good old american

blank ball fuck yeah awesome well cool uh kokanee i may go back to you for more questions about

canada it's always interesting it's an interesting subject i've always found canada is an interesting

place because it's our neighbor well sometimes you have such intricacies man and it's hard to

put your finger on it sometimes but we got a lot in common we got that's right the international

nuances man we have a canadian representative one of our madhouse militia members stay tuned

for more information on that i shit on you all right we got numbers here from uh

wilson loser sending in numbers in the uk for dennis jones gordon jones and roy jones

Awesome.

We're in a Jones mood there.

Sounds good.

I was hoping maybe we'd get some Walmarts up in here.

Let me go get the Google machine here also.

We might do some Walmart calls.

Do we have any Thanksgiving calls, Bill, man?

We've always had fun on the Thanksgiving show.

You remember for a few years once the Thanksgiving show ended up me being like half drunk and farting into the phone.

And it was hilarious.

We had a show where I did that.

The first Thanksgiving show we ever did.

Our first year on the air, as a matter of fact, right?

Then I just got drunk and farted into the phone.

Yeah, you went wild, dude.

Yeah, that was fun.

Farting in the phone, man.

You was tore up bad.

Yeah.

Blame it on sunshine.

Blame it on the boogie.

Look, man, I'm thinking about going tomorrow morning.

I was going to get new monitors here for the studio.

You know, going to get two or three new monitors.

Oh, wow.

I was pricing these ones on Newegg for $135 a pop.

Tomorrow is stable.

Oh, shit.

Them flat screens, man.

Yeah, but guess what, motherfucker?

Tomorrow, I best buy $88.89 or some shit like that, bro.

that's what fucking doing it that's oh hey y'all yeah so i think i'm gonna um do it i don't know

what time staples opens though i don't know if they open at four because like i'm watching tv

today and like fucking macy's is opening at four o'clock in the morning sears is opening let's call

them bastards sears at four o'clock find out what their time is they're opening there's no way to

know they're closed now dude i have no idea because their regular hours we'll call if they're there

we'll call i know the mall is going to open at six apparently his information they're across

the street from the mall maybe they have the same hours as them i don't know i think i should be

safe if i go there like at eight o'clock i don't care i'm gonna buy monitors regardless tomorrow

i'm quite excited about it i got these yeah i could save um saving 38 i think i made did the

math out of my ti 86 graphing calculator milkman never leave home without it that's my best friend

There you go.

It's over here somewhere.

They're right here at Mudder Fight.

TI-86.

TI-86 graphic calculator.

They don't make them like this anymore, Milkman.

I bought this one here in 1996.

Boy, I know.

Is that the one?

Oh, shit.

I like the one that had the original red LEDs in them.

This one has the original.

It has the LEDs so I could beam.

Oh, yeah.

You could beam it to someone else who had one.

You could beam answers and shit.

I remember that right there.

Oh, cool, man.

You push the button and it does the sign calculation and it flashes the whole button.

Yeah.

And there comes the number.

I'm telling you, man.

I'll tell you something really cool.

I found an emulator online for the TI graphing calculators.

Any version you want, it's an emulator for your computer.

It's a representation, like an emulation.

It looks just like the computer on your screen.

You hit the buttons and everything.

Works just like it graphs and everything, dude.

It's really cool.

You don't have to worry about spending a hundred-some bucks on a graphing calculator these days.

You can just run this program, run it for free.

It's got ROMs on it.

Yeah, it just works just like one of those Super Nintendo or Nintendo or video game emulators.

It works just like that.

It's got a ROM for the calculator, and you fucking boot it up, and it comes out.

It looks just like the calculator on your screen, and it does everything it does.

Everything.

You can't use that on the SAT.

You got to rock it now, brother.

They don't let you bring in your laptop on the SAT.

It's got lights to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been trying to do that one, man.

Drink a bottle of wine.

Well, you have to get it running on your phone there and put it on the Windows mobile phone.

Look, man, I'm not a wine drinker, but I'm drinking here Gallo Family Vineyards, Twin Valley.

Oh, man.

I don't know what it means, but it's...

Oh, here we go.

It's a white Zinfandel.

What's a Zinfandel?

Nice.

Is it a mix?

Is that when you mix the wines together?

It's where they take a white grape, and then they put just a little bit of the skin back in it,

so it makes it kind of like a blush color.

Oh, it's got a little sharp to it.

I like that little...

Right to it.

I like it.

Technically a white wine, and then they put a little bit of skin back into it,

and that's what gives it just a little color.

It's a nice wine. It's not too dry.

Milkman, I was playing around with some ideas with a friend of mine here.

We're talking about setting up a call manager, a VoIP, going on here in the studio.

We could do all our calls right on the computer and not have any phones in anything.

It would be pretty cool.

We found a way we could tie it into Google Voice.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

We're calling on Dennis Jones in the U.K.

Five minutes of talk time to this member.

I've got five minutes left to these people.

I'm going to have to re-up the card when I get a second.

It only takes me two clicks to do it.

I'm on my Google account.

I'm telling you what.

Quick, quick.

Milkman set up the new podcast, so good to go.

All the main, everyone, please do me a favor.

We've got to talk about that.

Hello, hey, what's going on, big guy?

Good morning.

What's going on, brother man?

Hello?

Dennis?

Hey, Dennis, how you doing, big guy?

What's going on, chief?

Listen, I just had a few sips of that white zen of yours.

You know that white zinfandel that you were talking about the other day?

Oh, man, that's beautiful stuff.

So when they say you take the white grape, you add the skins back in it, right?

That's what you do.

You make a mash out of that grape skin.

You make that white zen, right?

Big Jones.

Dennis.

Pervert.

That's Dennis Jones, everybody.

Gordon Jones coming up next.

You white guy.

When I feel like doing it is when we're going to do it.

As a matter of fact, Milkman, when I get to it is when I get to it.

What else can we talk about now, Milkman?

Are you a wine drinker at all?

Do you drink wine, sir?

Oh, yeah, man.

You get the Pinot Noir, the Gamay.

I like light burgundies.

What's that mean?

What's a burgundy?

Is that a dark wine?

No.

Burgundy is a red-colored wine.

Burgundy is a color of a car.

Some of them are sweeter.

Yeah.

And some of them are, like, more, how can I describe the taste?

More complex and less sweet and a lighter shade of red.

Uh-huh.

I like a light burgundy with, like, a Pinot Noir, et cetera.

Uh-huh.

Less fruity, more complex tasting.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

In wine country, man.

Uh-huh.

Right here in NorCal, baby.

Minutes of talk time to this number.

I'm like far out.

Chasing that train.

A person you've called is not available.

He's a chicken.

He's a bloody wonka.

He's a bloody fruit.

Speaking of wine, bloody fruit, eh?

Eh? Eh? Eh? You get it?

New news sending in a message telling us to wish people in the UK a happy Thanksgiving.

Good idea?

Oh, yeah.

Look, man, you're sending a number for a Jamaican lady named Suzanne.

and do that yeah actually let me give you a brief background these people call every day to try and

telemarket ellie and ellie fucks with their head all the time so she gave us our number there for

them so that we can call them okay so how does she end up with her number like do they have a

history pranking them for quite some time or what's the story with that exactly they've been

calling her for months man and she fucks with them every day he's changing voices and stuff

uh-huh okay so she gave us the number and into the madhouse and wanted us to return the favor

all right we'll check all right we'll check it out everyone don't don't go anywhere uh

give me a second we'll have another jim stewart prank while we get that ready

we're having an orgy in 215 do you fancy coming over excuse me we're having an orgy in 215 do

you fancy coming over i think you might have the wrong room no this is uh 210 right

Yeah, we just called him over once. Do you want to come in?

Um, okay. I will see if he wants to go.

Okay, thank you.

Hello?

Good morning. How are you today, sir?

Very good. Do you fancy coming over to 215? We're going to have an orgy in about 15 minutes.

Um, sure.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How many of you coming?

Six.

Six of you. All right. Bring all six of you. Girls as well, yeah?

Yeah.

Good stuff. Do you have bird protection?

Um, sure.

We have a lot to do, so just come over to 215 in about 15 minutes, all right?

Okay.

I'll see you soon.

Hey, Milkman, what time is it in the UK right now?

Can I get a check, please?

Monique, how are you today on this absolutely marvelous, splendid day?

Oh, my God.

Milkman, can I get a check on UK time right now?

What is the Zulu time right now?

5 a.m.

It's 1222.

Is it 522 or 422?

5 a.m. there.

It's 5 a.m.?

So they're four hours and 38 minutes exactly ahead of us?

No, no, no.

Well, they're five hours ahead of us.

All right, so it's 522 a.m.

I got you, I got you.

All right, all right, all right.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Hi, Jim.

Jim, yes.

Very good.

You remembered my name.

Excellent.

How are you today?

I'm fine.

Are you calling to harass me and make such a wonderful day of it again?

Actually, I don't want to harass you, my dear.

No, no.

I want to harass your guest.

Okay.

Yes?

But how are you?

Are you keeping well?

Uh-huh.

Very good.

I was wondering, you see, we're having an orgy in room 215,

and I'm inviting some of the guests over.

How would you like to join us?

Um, you know what?

I'm okay.

Thank you, though.

Okay, that's fine, Monique.

At least I asked you.

You know, I'm a very kind person like this.

Thank you.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Very good, Monique.

How is Danny the dog today?

He's okay.

Is he there?

Can I speak with him?

He's not here right now.

When does he get there?

When he gets here.

Okay, that's very good.

So I'll try again in 20 minutes?

If you want to.

Okay, very good.

I'll talk to some of your guests in the meantime, okay?

Okay.

How many are staying today?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Of course you don't.

But I will make it to one.

I think one.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Those are definitely my favorite.

Minutes of talk time to this member.

Oh, the gym pranks.

One of my favorite of the gym pranks.

So we're definitely going to listen to the rest of that here.

I have to recharge the phone card, so to say, in a moment.

We're calling the UK again.

No, Jamaica, bullshit.

No, no, this is the UK.

This is Dez Jones again.

Forgot to paste the right number.

Fuck.

The BT call my number.

The person you've called is not available at the moment.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Play some more of that Jim Stewart prank while I recharge the phone minutes.

You bloody wonker.

And yeah.

I think one.

Well, I spoke to three already.

How did I lie so far?

Look, when you get that message I sent you on Google, take care of that.

But I will try.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

We'll need to talk to you soon, my dear.

Goodbye.

Hello.

Hi, good morning, mate.

How are you?

I'm good.

I didn't wake you, did I?

Yeah.

Sorry, mate.

Are you feeling a bit Randy this morning?

Randy.

Do I feel a little bit what?

Randy.

Do you want to come over to 215?

We're about to have an orgy.

Who's this?

This is Jim Stewart.

I'm staying in room 215 at the motel.

Do you want to come over?

Yeah.

I'm just, basically, I'm calling around the rooms, all right?

And we've got about 20 people so far who want to join in, so I'm just kind of seeing

If anybody else wants to tag along

Um, no thanks

Are you sure?

You know, you only get this chance once in a lifetime

Yeah, I know

So you don't want to come over?

Nope

Well, I'll keep that in mind, thank you

Bye-bye

Hello

Good morning, my dear, how are you?

Hello

Hi, good morning, how are you?

Alright

That's very good

I'm calling from 215, my name is Jim Stewart

Uh, how are you feeling this morning?

Are you feeling a bit randy?

You're calling from who?

Um, room 215

I'm in the same motel

Uh, room 215

Okay

Basically, I'm calling around the rooms just to see if anybody wants to join in.

Uh, I'm sorry, I... what, what?

We're about to start, we're about to have an orgy.

We're just calling around the rooms to see if anybody wants to join in.

What is orgy?

An orgy, yeah.

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah, you sure?

So who's there with you?

Uh, we've got about 20 other guests who are coming over

and they'll be there in about 5 to 10 minutes.

If you want to join in, it would be great.

Oh, I just want to take a look at it.

Yeah, you want to take a look?

Yeah, cool. Come on over to 215. We'll be getting going in about 10 minutes, okay?

Okay.

All right, see you soon. Good morning. How are you today?

Good, thanks, sir.

That's great. This is June Stewart. I'm calling from room 215. I'm basically calling you around the room just to see if anybody wants to join in.

Okay.

We're about to start an orgy in about 10 minutes. We've got about 20 guests so far that want to join in. Are you actually taking a lot?

Okay. Can you tell me again? I don't understand you.

Two cents per minute.

You have two minutes of talk time to this number.

Milkman, I don't know why it won't let me dial that number you sent me.

Try to check that.

All right.

Hey, what's going on, big guy?

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Wanted to ask if you had enough carbs or not.

And make sure that you took your Zinfandel pills.

And he just hangs up.

He's not having it.

We will call Roy Jones next year.

Yeah, I don't know why, Milkman.

Check that number again.

I tried to dial it several times and it just sat there in silence.

Might be a Google thing.

Don't worry too much about it.

It might not be you.

It might be me.

20 minutes to the way.

way? In 10 minutes, in room

215, we're going to have an orgy.

Oh, okay. You want to join in?

No. We have about 20 guests

so far that are coming along. The cost of this call

is two cents per minute.

You have one minutes of

talk time to this number. Ah, man.

That's the last one for now. Roy Jones.

I wish we had Dick Jones. Dick Jones.

Mr. Jones.

Yes? Jones, how you doing, buddy?

I'm going to speak to Roy Jones. Is it the wife or the man?

Mr. Roy Jones, who are you on

about. Well, no, I need to speak to

the man. This is man business. Can you please put

him on? I'll put him on for you, but

this is ridiculous. No, it's

not. You listen to what I'm saying. I'm a man

and I'm telling you that you put your man

on the phone. This is man business. Mind

your own business. Mind your business.

Who are you? This is Valente from

the United States. I wanted to call...

Who are you for? I'm calling to wish you a happy

Thanksgiving. I was wondering if you were thinking

on using any consumer credit tomorrow

while you do your shopping. No.

The stores are just opening here in the United States

of America for the...

It's half past five in the morning, thank you.

I understand, but this is

an important message from the United States of America.

Eh, he's not going to have it.

But we did wake him. We did wake him

and his wife up there, so you know.

Let's listen to the rest of that Jim Stewart prank call.

Two minutes, 23 seconds left in it.

And then we'll call

Audrey Blackett. Goodbye.

If you want to join in, it would be great fun.

Okay, well, no, I

do not wish to join in.

Why is that, sir?

Because of personal convictions, right?

That's what, sorry?

Because of personal convictions

Personal convictions?

Yeah, you're talking about room 215 in Norwichy?

I'm almost out of Jesus juice, man

This is going to be fucking shit

I'm going to have to start drinking beer

I've only got two beers left

Oh, heck

Got two beers left

Mother the fuck out of

Yes, that's right, yeah

Orgy, do you know what that is, sir?

Yeah, I do

I do not wish to participate, thank you

Lots of European chicks, sir

No, that's alright.

Okay, so.

Good morning, my friend.

How are you today?

Alright, how about yourself?

Oh, I'm doing pretty well.

This is Jin Stewart.

I'm calling from room 215.

In about five or ten minutes, we're going to get some guests over and we're going to

start an orgy.

Do you want to join in?

What the fuck?

I'm serious.

Do you want to come over?

We've got about 20 European chicks over here, so if you want to join in, then walk your

way over.

215.

215, that's right, yeah.

We're going to start in about ten minutes and I'm just basically calling around the

room to see if anybody wants to join in.

We've got protection, everything is sorted, lubricants.

we've got everything couple of guys with me though that's all right bring those along we've got lots

of chicks over here so come on over 215 215 yeah in about 10 minutes though do you think you make

it yeah i can make it all right so six of you coming yeah no there's four of us four of you

coming okay i'll write that down thanks a lot buddy see you soon yes good morning sir how are

you hi hi how are you who who is this is jim stewart i'm calling from room 215. uh-huh got

Got an offer you can't refuse, mate. How do you feel this morning?

Oh, I don't understand. What, please?

Do you feel a bit randy this morning?

What?

Do you feel a bit horny, sir?

What?

Do you want to come over to 215 in about ten minutes?

We've got about 20 European chicks here.

They're butt naked and waiting for all of us.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Pink.

Yes.

Good evening, madam. How are you?

Very well. Late at night.

Yeah, I hope it's late. I hope I woke you.

Are you feeling all right?

Yes.

Good. I'm going to send you a text, you all right?

Why?

Because I want you to get inside it, all right?

No.

Yeah, well, I'm going to send you a taxi to number 11, all right?

Hello?

Yes.

Mrs. Pink, I got that cab.

He's going to be there in about 10 minutes.

He's already paid for, so I suggest you get in the cab

and let him take you to Heathrow, all right?

Immediately.

Hello?

Mrs. Pink?

Yes.

Did you just taser the phone?

I don't know who you are, and I'm not...

I'm Mr. Stewart.

Thank you for holding National Health Care.

How can I help you?

Fuck National Health Care.

All right, Milkman, we're going to try your number here in Jamaica again.

Let's give that a shot.

Invalid number.

I just added a country code.

It says invalid number, Milkman.

Invalid number.

Oh, fuck.

Let's try this then.

How about this?

Jesus, man.

Air breaks.

Milkman.

That's what's coming off of her.

I know.

That's what's coming off of her caller ID.

She is bastard.

How many fathers does she have, Milkman?

let's see one two uh-huh three uh-huh okay i'm buying ten dollars of credits right now

Now, look, let's see how easy this is, Milkman.

This is Google Voice.

I clicked on my website that I use for my dialing.

I clicked on $10.

It's telling me to confirm my purchase and ask for my password.

I will now enter in my password and see if it takes it correctly.

Let's see here.

I'm going to confer with the expert.

Our number is Hitman.

And send him the number I have and see if he can tell me the proper dialing sequence.

Okay, good.

Well, let me know.

In the meantime, I've got to do this purchase.

We're going to call France here.

We've got a number for the Hotel Napoleon.

We also have the Black Prince Hotel.

And we still have Audrey Blackett in Yorkshire, England to call.

I still have to get the credits here.

I was fixing another thing.

I'm sorry.

Looking for a good...

Okay.

Looking for...

You know, Milkman had this...

Milkman.

Jin had this thing once, dude, where he called this Indian restaurant.

You remember that one?

It was funny.

I'm trying to find one of those.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This is Order Games.

Let's see if it's this one.

I can help you.

Hi there.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

You have the chow mein? You have the beef chow mein?

Yep, we do.

Alright, give me one portion of beef chow mein, one portion of sweet and sour pork.

You have foo young? You have egg foo young?

Yeah, we do.

Alright, I'll have one portion of egg foo young. You have egg fried rice, right?

Which is pork fried rice.

Okay, yeah, can you give me two portions of that?

Wait, um, hold on, do you need egg foo young?

Egg foo young, yes please.

What kind? Beef?

Beef, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, and one portion egg fried rice.

Sorry, two portions egg fried rice.

Two orders of pork fried rice?

Yeah.

Okay.

Right, I want you to read the order back to my friend in a second.

Oh, yeah, sure.

He's going to give you all the details.

Just give me one second.

I need to put you on hold while I go and get him.

Is that okay?

Okay.

Right, one second, please.

Okay, now she's on hold, and I'm going to call another Chinese takeaway.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm going to give you an order.

Just hold on one second.

Okay, what's the order, please?

Hi.

Yep, you have a beef chow mein.

Beef chow mein.

Powered pork, two orders of pork fried rice, and one order of beef asian.

Hold on a second.

You get beef chow mein, pork fried rice, between chow pork, and then pork fried rice, two orders of pork fried rice, beef asian.

You can take my bowl and eat.

I'm sorry.

Okay, we got the credit.

I'm moving in.

We're calling France, everybody, France.

And just coming in, we got a confirmation.

A black woman answered at a Walmart Supercenter in Bluefield, West Virginia.

I can't.

Well, I'm sorry.

She is not slave.

You can't hear me?

No, it's not loud enough.

Okay, go ahead and repeat it.

Okay, you repeat it.

Go ahead, ma'am.

Okay.

Don't talk when I'm talking.

Let me finish and then you talk because I can't hear when we both talk at the same time.

Okay?

Now you go ahead and tell me what you like.

Can you hear me now?

Go ahead, ma'am.

Okay, you have a beef chow mein and sour pork, two orders of pork chow mein, out of beef

egg fuyang.

Beef egg fuyang?

Yes.

Yes, the guy just ordered these eggs for you.

Okay.

Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Go ahead, ma'am.

Can you keep doing that?

I can't hear you.

Anything else?

Anything?

No, do you want anything else?

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

This is a take-free to pick up the phone over there, Frenchie Frog.

Is this France, ma'am?

A stupid hotel.

You know Napoleon had a three-inch penis?

Is that why you work there?

Have one of those or you're just attracted to small penises, huh?

Fuck France, everybody.

Fuck France!

I hate France.

I hate France like a motherfucker.

I'm going to call him right back.

I hate France so much, I hope they all drown.

Wait, um...

Colin, do you need egg bouillon?

Egg bouillon, yes, please.

Beef, yeah.

Okay.

The cost of this call is...

One portion of egg fried rice.

Two.

Two portions of egg fried rice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Right, I want you to read the order by...

Wow, how you doing, you parley anglais?

Yes, sir.

Hey, good, man.

Man, I want to talk about reservation for some spaces, you dumb fucking shit.

I'm sorry I got in a little bit of trouble sometimes.

I got a little angry at my wife, and I decided to take it out on innocent people I talked to on the phone.

The reservation service is closed, sir.

Well, no, no, no.

Listen now, you tell me what the availability is like.

I'm a tremendous, I'm a superstar.

Huh?

I'm a movie star, fucker.

Yeah, fuck your asshole, sir.

Fuck your asshole, sir.

Sir, he says.

Sir, what a fucker, that guy.

Don't give him, sir.

Check your G-talk now, bro.

Check your G-talk, fucker.

I just got it confirmed by the master, the number shit, man.

Listen, you do what he just said, you understand?

You do what he just said for me to do?

You're going to do that right now, Logan Man.

Go fuck your asshole.

My friend.

Well, fuck it with a carrot for a stool sample.

I need a carrot.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

Yeah, there you go.

Me and you and Hulk, man, we're at the same level, man.

You know what I'm talking about.

All right, I'll grab it, Hulk, man.

Hey, it's working now, fucker

The cost of this call is 25 cents per minute

25 cents per minute?

Where the fuck am I calling, bro?

25

This is a quick insult, I'm gonna hang up

Fuck that, it's 25 cents a minute, you fuck

Who do you think I am?

Making cell phone, that's why

Cell phones cost way more than it costs to landline overseas.

I don't know.

That's what's coming up on her...

Fucking shit.

You make me so angry, Milkman.

You make me so fucking angry.

You know that?

You're not authorized to make calls to this phone number.

If you would like to have a...

Fuck you and your phone number that I'm not authorized to talk to.

Who the fuck do you think they are, right?

Who the fuck do you think they are?

God damn it, it's my fault.

Yeah, fucking French, man.

You hear that French?

Yeah, those French...

Fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole French just boiled my butter.

You know that?

They're going to call him again.

Call that French prick.

Don't shave your nads.

Talk to me with any kind of disrespect.

The cost of this call is 2 cents per minute.

Damn right, it's 2 cents per minute.

Cheaper to call France than that frickin' Caribbean shit you're getting me to call.

What the fuck's that about?

Jamaica. How's Elliot can afford to pay 25 cents a minute to prank call people every day?

There's a problem right there.

That's right, she's about to lose her house.

Hey, what's your name?

Hmm? Listen.

me, sir, and I'm going to write down your name. I'm going to put you down and write

you up in my report. Listen. Hey, what's with the clang in the background? What's going

on? Stupid friends. Chicken. Yellow chicken. Now, you know what? The other day I bought

a rifle. It was cheap. It was only fired once. French rifles. Fired once, dropped twice.

Five dollars because you're a chicken. Five dollar sale on French rifles from the French

Army because you guys just, you shoot them once and you just drop them twice. You drop

it once and then you get scared and you run away and you pick it up and then you run about

about five feet and you drop it again that's france army man you know you're the ones that

started vietnam also it was your problem indo-china as you used to call it you made us out of america

because you guys are so pussy that you can't you couldn't stop a stupid little communist revolution

in a shit country in indo-china called vietnam that's how fucking listen that shit phone over

there you got a piece of shit phone you call yourself a hotel napoleon bacon frying bacon

i'm done i want to talk to some more france and i want to call russia again remember we had

Great wish we should call Russian and shit, right?

That's that we call Russia tonight man

Nino says bonjour a J for days actor Vatra mirror. I mean, so I would like to buy your mother

Bonjour, I don't know how to pronounce it new new

No, it says you voodoo. They are ashtay. I will trim air. Oh my that sounds German. That's nasty. That sounds like oh

Fuck that shit.

I don't want to talk French.

I'm not gay.

You have a...

Hello?

Hi.

I'm here.

I'm going to just talk effeminate like KDK.

I can't hear you well.

I'm sorry.

Get the same effect.

I'll understand me better.

Hi.

Not loud enough.

Okay, go ahead and repeat it.

Okay, you remember to repeat it.

Okay.

Don't talk what I'm talking about.

Let me finish and then you...

Don't talk what I'm talking about.

How rude is that, Milkman?

Really?

How do people say that to people?

don't talk when i talk jesus don't talk when i talk damn it i said we call motel 8 let's get

it was a motel 6 is that the one that you can dial through yeah i said we find a busy motel

6 talk to some of those motherfuckers given the what for because i can't hear when we both talk

to him okay go ahead and tell me what you like can you hear me now go ahead man okay you have

I have a beef chow mein, sweet and sour pork, two orders of pork chow rice, order of beef egg fuyang.

Beef egg fuyang?

Yes, the guy just ordered beef egg fuyang.

Okay.

Hello, can you hear me now?

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Juliet Napoleon in Paris, France.

Milkman, how do you say that?

Hello, bonjour.

Oui, bonjour.

How do you say it, Milkman?

Je ne comprends pas.

Je voudrais acheter votre mère.

Where's your mother at?

How many mothers do you have?

I would like to purchase your mother for a slave, white slave.

Où est ta mère?

Je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites.

Listen, stupid.

I am the king of Nigeria, you understand?

My name is Dikembe Motombo.

I command you to sell your mother immediately.

I will sell her into white slavery.

She will become my...

Je ne peux pas vous aider, monsieur.

I don't understand.

Je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites.

Speak American, you understand?

Go to hell for God's sake.

Just to hell.

I don't know what you mean.

Hey, will you say some numbers for me?

What did she say, Milkman?

What the fuck did she say, asshole?

She keeps saying, I told you.

I don't understand what you're saying.

I don't know.

What the fuck is wrong with her, too?

What the fuck?

It's kind of scary sounding, man.

Jeez.

I got a douche show right now, Milkman.

It's kind of scaring me a little bit.

I think she had a recording turned on there for a minute.

I don't like it.

Well, I don't know.

Do you want anything else?

Hello, I would like to buy your mother.

Go ahead.

Okay, do you want a delivery?

Huh?

Do you want a delivery?

No, no, we don't.

Do you want a delivery?

Okay, folks, we have the Hotel Abba Monteparnese in Paris, France.

All right, let's give them a call.

Lonesome Loser has him noted here as another French asshole.

All right, good.

good we'll bring that up as a matter of fact that my friend lonesome loser think he's a french

asshole already right off the bat fucking lonesome loser so fucking awesome he knows how do he know

he's an asshole fucking genius fucking god damn it the cost of this call i don't care two cents

per minute yeah i knew it 12 50 a.m right hey stupid how you doing good good damn let's talk

about my reservations and you people screwed up for the third time again you monkey excuse me

You monkey, you people ruined my reservations all over again.

You took a big shit and a bowl and you microwaved it and you stirred it to me with a fucking fork.

Who do you think I am?

Excuse me, could you explain me what's going on?

Listen.

Because I don't understand.

This is the hotel in France, is it not?

Yes, it is.

But name your reservation on what's going on.

I cannot send it to you.

Listen, jerk.

My name is Valente.

You write that down because I'm not going to start repeating it four or five times.

Valente, you got that?

Monkey.

You're repeating me now?

Okay, I will.

I'll stop, I will no longer, well, for now, for now.

Just tell me what's going on, sir.

You monkeys ruined my reservation machine, again, and I don't have spaces.

I want my spaces back, right now, and we want more refrigerator, and I want...

Reservation machine? What's a reservation machine, sir?

Did you make a reservation to the hotel?

Yes, I did.

The reservation machine, I had a confirmation machine, reservation for spaces.

How many spaces?

Look up my, and you have a computer machine there?

Yes, I do.

Turn it on.

Is it turned on right now?

Do you have to reboot it?

I want it working.

Is it already on?

Is it working?

Test it right now.

Stop calling me a monkey, sir.

Listen, buddy.

Listen, sir.

I haven't called you a monkey since you told me not to call you monkey.

It's the truth.

Sir, sir, sir, if you have any problems, not of my...

Listen, brother.

I mean, I'm just working here, so if you don't explain to me what's going on, I cannot help you.

If you're insulting me again, definitely not help you, sir.

From the beginning to the end, thank me, and I will...

Okay?

Okay.

Alright, I'm sorry.

So, what I need, what I need now, I need, and the date reservation is Valente.

The phone's disconnected.

What the fuck?

He hung up on you.

I am so calling him back.

Actually, that guy's funny.

He was trying to keep it cool.

I could hear him start cussing.

That'd be funny.

Oh, man.

Is he angry?

The cost of this call is...

Is he angry?

Wow.

The Kevin Mutombo.

Hotel Alabama.

Bonjour.

Listen, but what happened?

Huh?

Sorry?

What happened?

I was talking to you.

What happened?

I don't know.

Listen, you hung up on me.

I don't know what happened, sir.

What is...

I want your...

Sir, I'm trying...

I've been trying...

As I said, I will try to help you.

Okay, but I want to...

I want to say...

First of all, listen to me, sir.

I want to say that I'm sorry that I called you monkey, that I said bad things.

Sir, sir...

I'm sorry.

Please, I just need help.

Please.

Just tell me...

I had a panic attack.

I have your name.

I need your reservation, sir.

I need to make an explanation.

When was the reservation supposed to be, sir, or something?

Peace.

Peace be on you, please.

Peace.

Okay?

Peace.

Between me and you, let there be peace here.

Dear Lord, I ask you to rain down your presence right now upon myself and what's your name?

Sorry?

What is your name, please?

Bruno.

Lord, I ask you that you rain down your patience between myself and Brother Bruno, that we

can both come to an accord and be peaceful as Christian men, and together resolve this

this issue without coming to insults and being angry. In his name, Lord, we praise. In the name

of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Okay. I'm sorry, brother. Okay. My name is Valente.

Okay. When was it supposed to be the reservation? Over a month ago, I made it. Over a month ago.

My stupid wife and I told her, you stupid bitch. You stupid woman. I said to her,

make the stupid reservation. You get the stupid damn confirmation number. And the stupid woman,

This stupid woman, Bruno, I'm telling you, I'm not a violent man, but I came so close to slapping her right in the face.

Right in the face!

But I didn't do it, Milkman and Bruno, because I am not that kind of man.

I will never hurt a woman, but son of a bitch, Bruno, sometimes it's women.

Excuse me, I need just one thing just to understand, to be sure I understand.

You were supposed, you had the reservation for last month?

I made it last month.

You made it last month?

Damn it!

I made it last month for now.

For this weekend.

All these days we're going to be down there in France with the heterosexual who look homosexual.

And buy this and buy that.

And going shopping and looking at this shit and that shit and all this shit.

And look now, you people messed up the reservation.

I don't have my reservation machine.

I don't have their spaces.

I'm stuck here at the airport.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

You need to come send your shuttle, your person right now.

Send the person, your servant, to come here to pick me up.

Excuse me, one more question.

What hotel did you make the reservation to, sir?

Your hotel.

I have it down here in the e-mail that I got from the confirmation machine.

What's the name of the hotel, please, sir?

Hotel Abba Monteprenez.

Okay.

Monteprenez.

What's your name, sir?

I command you to give me a number.

Bruno, I need your confirmation.

I need your papers right now.

I want to make copies of your papers.

You want to make copies of what papers?

Your papers, your documents, your personal private documents in your papers.

My private documents?

Uh-huh.

You want my private documents?

Is this a kind of joke or something, sir?

Because, excuse me, I've got some work to do, and I don't think it's funny, sir.

Let me explain to you something.

It's definitely not funny.

Listen, listen, Bruno.

Bruno, if you're at the end of your duty, monkey, if you're at the end of your duty, why don't you flush the toilet, you duty, making a duty, you feel the duty? Do you have a duty to do? Why don't you go to the toilet and do your duty, monkey, like a monkey, you're going to do it right there in front of everybody and eat it like a monkey does in a zoo.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much for your help, sir.

Unfortunately, I apologize, but I won't be able to help you.

You're a gay.

For any complaints.

Are you a gay?

I heard you were gay.

They told me that you were a gay.

That's why you were, because I'm a Catholic priest.

And you're a gay.

Okay.

You're going to hell.

Of course I am gay, sir.

Burn in hell.

What else, sir?

I'm going to pray for you, for Jesus, to send you to hell.

Okay.

Son of a bitch.

Monkey.

Anything else?

Yes, Monkey.

Monkey, why'd you go?

Monkey, do it now.

For me, I'll leave you alone, I promise.

I will never bother you again.

Okay, sir.

Have a good day.

Say it, Monkey.

Say it.

Enjoy your time in France, sir.

I love the...

Enjoy my time in France.

That was very nice.

Wow, that's fun.

I love France.

Awesome.

That was very nice.

Tell him to go to hell.

Yeah, what's up?

How would you feel if someone told you to go to hell?

How you doing, Tucky Monkey?

No.

Okay, you want to pick it out, right?

Yes.

You have to come here and pick it out.

Okay, may I have your phone number?

Yes, yes.

Can I have your phone number?

Oh, our phone number here?

Yes.

503-44-0003.

Hold on.

03644-0003.

Yes.

Okay, can I have your name, please?

France.

I usually frown upon the hotel pranks, meaning what happened recently.

Yeah, we'll do one of that more.

We never learn our lesson here.

Thinking about going and making a mashed potato sandwich.

That sounds about good.

Would you have a mashed potato?

I think I might make a mashed potato sandwich.

Sounds like a good idea.

I'm going to toast it.

I bet you that's as good as shit, Tuck.

Fucker, I'm going to do it right now.

Bet it is.

Any answer in there?

I'm going to take two slices of bread.

I'm going to put a layer of mashed potatoes in there.

I'm going to sprinkle some bacon bits on it, and I'm going to put it in a toaster oven on high for about five minutes.

I think it's going to be good as shit.

We're going to call.

Yeah, it sounds.

I'll say just like that.

My name?

Well, I need your name.

I'm supposed to get your name and your phone number.

Why are you getting all phone and all number?

Hey, you know what's up with the casinos?

Wait, is this a joke?

We got to call that one casino.

No, I think you are not me.

This is that lady.

I'm not taking your order.

The crazy broad we call all the time.

Dolores.

And the security dude.

Big Dolores.

Yeah, you gotta do a fitment.

Do a fitment.

Foo, foo, foo, foo, foo, foo.

Syringer, you just have fits.

Bonsoir.

Foo, foo, foo, foo, foo.

Hello.

Yes, is this Bruno?

Yes, indeed, sir.

You know Bruno's the name of a gay character in a movie I saw the other day?

Okay, sir, sir.

It was a piece of shit.

Don't you have anything else to do, sir, than doing stuff like that, sir?

Is it a coincidence that you play a European gay man named Bruno in real life?

Anything else?

I want to say I'm sorry, sir, for insinuating.

Okay, okay.

Sir, I have another line waiting.

I can hold.

Put me on hold.

Awesome.

Call him back.

Tell him I want to hold.

I'm going to call him right back and make him pick up.

He didn't last very long.

Why was he watching gay porno?

I don't know.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Yeah, look, man, the whole music just sucks.

Can you disconnect the other line and come back to me here?

It doesn't cost me double minutes on my cell phone when I call a national, so...

Okay, sir.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, we need to discuss.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm a big, serious lawyer.

You need to discuss.

You need to be polite, and you need to explain yourself.

We've been talking together for something like five minutes.

You haven't sent anything, as

I said, I'm going to send you an email.

Listen, I'm stuck.

I have my duty to do some other things.

So, please, if you have any problems.

Shut up and let me answer.

If you have a duty to make, I told you, go make a duty in the bathroom and come back.

I need to talk to the manager who's in charge because I'm stuck at the airport.

The manager is not 9 o'clock.

I got into a fight with my wife.

I shook her.

Put a man on the phone.

I put my hands on each of her shoulders.

On each one, I put one hand and I shook her.

And I said, shut up, shut up, shut up.

And she left.

Hello?

Bruno!

Put a man on the phone.

Really, this guy, he's got to understand where I'm coming from.

I shook the hell out of my wife.

He's busy watching gay porno.

God darn.

I'm trying to get...

I'm trying to accuse him.

He's trying to get a blowjob from a woman.

The cost of this call is 2 cents per minute.

Hotel Abba Monparnasse, bonjour.

Listen, is it a woman you're trying to have relations with that you can't talk to me?

I mean, if it's cool, I'll call back in 10 minutes or whatever.

Or is it a man?

It's okay if it's a man.

If you're having relations with a man, then I'll call you back when you're done.

Hello?

Yes, I'm listening, but noticing something interesting, I probably won't be answering you.

Okay, but are you busy now?

Do you want me to call you back when you're done?

Because I'm stuck here.

I can't leave.

I cannot have any help if you don't explain what's going on.

I had reservations.

So please stop talking about me.

Okay, listen.

Do you need help or do you just need someone to insult?

I can give you a...

I can ask you about that later.

But right now, I just want to say, Lord, please forgive me.

And please allow Bruno the patience to deal.

And Lord, I apologize for being rude to your humble servant, Bruno.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Okay.

Bruno, I had reservation machines for spaces.

Two spaces today, my wife and I, we got into a fight because you people didn't send the shuttle to come pick us up, okay?

We didn't send any shuttle.

We never sent any shuttle to get anyone up from the hotel, sir.

My agent was supposed to make arrangements for a shuttle to pick me up from the hotel.

Yes, but if you'd said that with your agent, there's nothing we can do.

I called him.

It's a holiday.

It's a holiday in the United States, okay?

Number one.

Number two, I just fired him because I got into a fight with him.

the phone and the last thing you said to me was that to call you people that you people were in

charge that you were supposed to make the arrangements to send a taxi cab and all this

stuff so i don't know why i just know that i need to get we need to find my wife i need to get a car

over here we need to find my wife and then we need you guys got to check me in as quickly as

possible i need to get my sleep i have to do a dissertation tomorrow afternoon i need to have

my rest you people drop the ball again buddy again because i don't deal with human and this

This is what I get.

I get this treatment from everybody, everywhere I go.

They say, oh, well, it's the way you are.

Well, you know, God damn it.

God damn it.

Okay.

And I don't want you to tell me you don't have my reservation in your computer machine

because if you don't, I'm going to lose it again.

I'm going to make insults.

So you need to get on your computer machine now

and you need to confirm that you have my two spaces for Valente

because if you don't, I'm going to be upset.

Upset.

And I might say things that are not good.

I might say bad words.

I might scream.

I might cause a scene here.

What agency did you make the reservation with?

Valente and Associates.

It's my company, man.

I don't have no one under your name in the reservation.

Nothing.

Now, jeez.

Four, four, four, four.

Speak American right now.

Speak American.

I command you.

Listen.

Hello, yes.

I want you to, listen, on the name of the United States, you're required on the U.N. Charter of the United Nations to translate exactly what you just said right now.

I'm a lawyer and I know this stuff.

So you tell me exactly what you just said.

I thought you were a travel agent.

I'm a travel agent.

How dare you?

You know who I am?

I'm a United States Senator.

Any complaint, any sort, I'll give you an email address.

Listen, I don't care about that.

I just need to get my ride to your hotel and I need to go to bed as soon as possible.

Well, as long as you don't have any confirmation number,

it means that you make any reservation.

It means that we don't have any rooms for you.

You fucking monkey shit.

You're a monkey who takes a shit in his pants.

You come in the hotel, give your room, sir.

We don't have any reservation under your name, sir.

How many fathers do you have?

We have four fathers.

We've been together.

Off of my duty.

You took a duty?

As I say, there's an email, and everything will be fine, sir.

A monkey rubs his face in his duty when he's done.

Yes, I know. I'm a monkey. You time, sir.

I wish you a good day.

Something else to discuss.

Thank you, Milkman, for laughing over the prank call.

As always, thank you for running a good prank call.

I did.

Asshole.

Are you a monkey?

He admitted, though, he is a monkey.

He laughed over Frank.

As I said it several times.

He laughed over Frank.

Milkman, you jerk.

It's okay.

I can edit you out.

It's good, Milkman.

You're okay.

Milkman, what do you think, man?

France, right?

That guy in France is pretty cool.

Oh, my God, dude.

We've got to save that number, man.

Bruno is a goldmine.

Dude, Nunez was saying I should have gotten those numbers to insult.

They're probably, I don't know.

I wonder who they were.

I wonder who wanted us to insult.

That's interesting.

All right.

Well, here we got the Aerostar Hotel.

Woman answer there.

They're in Russia.

In Corp Russia, whatever that is.

We got the Corston Hotel and Casino.

They're also in Russia.

Let's go ahead and call these people.

Dude, I still got to edit this show where we call Vietnam.

Had a lot of conversation.

Oh, my God, dude.

That was a bonanza.

The chick in Vietnam.

And the guy in the Ukraine.

Oh, we got to edit this.

Green, green.

Bogdan, this is Bogdan at the Madhouse.

Hey, woman, how you doing?

Hello, good morning.

Hey, stupid, I want to say happy Thanksgiving first.

Where's my stupid car to come pick me out of your stupid hotel?

Moment, I need your reservation or reception.

Are you stupid or something?

This is Operator Alessia.

I don't care.

I want to talk to the person in charge of spaces.

Oh, just a moment. I'll connect you with the reception.

The reception? Okay, hurry up.

Nice. If I was there, I would give you a nice spank in the ass.

Go.

Yeah, that's how you do it.

That's nice.

Every woman wants to get a nice little spank in the ass, huh?

What?

Do you like to have a nice little spank in the ass?

A little spank on the backside there?

When you go do me a favor?

Do you live in the hotel now?

Yeah.

You speak American or what?

English, English.

No, American, though.

You speak American, stupid?

Listen, where's my car?

I'm waiting here at the stupid gay airport here, you stupid Russians.

Don't hurry up and come pick me up.

I swear to God I'm going to give you a bad review.

My name is Valente.

Look it up in your computer machine there, woman.

Your room number is?

What?

What is your room number?

My name is 407-459-4534.

459?

4534.

4534?

Uh-huh.

Did you get that area code?

What is it, 4534?

He asked me for a stupid number. I gave you my numbers. What do you want? What numbers do you want, dummy?

One minute. I'll connect you with the manager.

Monkey.

What about a bunch of monkeys you got over there, huh? Jeez.

Excuse me?

What's your name? Dalkolai? Ack-Nikolai? What is it?

Nikolai?

Is that your name, Nikolai?

No, my name is Artyom.

Is what?

Artyom.

Artyom?

Yes. How can I help you, sir?

What kind of stupid name is that?

Good point. Call back and ask for Akchom.

Fucking Akchom. What kind of name is Akchom?

Akchom!

My name is Akchom.

The cost of this call is...

Akchom!

...cents per minute.

He sounds like he's Chechen or something. Sounds a little Muslim, right?

Even the Muslims over there run the hotels, fuckers.

I bet you the Italians in the casino.

Fucking guineas.

Hey, jerky, I need to talk to Akchom over there in the front desk and shit.

Okay, just a moment, I'll connect you.

Listen, you put me through to Akchom.

God damn it.

Shut up. I need to speak to Akcham.

Akcham, only a minute.

Hey, Akcham, what's up? Akcham, why'd you hang up the phone on me?

Can you repeat, please?

Okay, listen, this is the hotel in Russia, right?

Yes.

Okay, damn it. I need a car that I ordered to have picked me up at the airport and bring me down to check into my spaces.

And you assholes still haven't sent the stupid shit card to the airport to pick me up.

and if you don't send it i know your surname huh i need your surname why do you say like that like

with attitude with you know like angry why no he ordered in our hotel i need you i need to know

your surname my name is valente can i please pronounce it by letters valente v-a-v-a-g-i-n-a

moments all right in our hotel today yeah you can't find me in there can you read it back to

to me, please. I can't see such sternum in our reservations. How much do you weigh, sir?

Yes, sir? You sound like you're overweight because you're breathing into the phone like

a lot. Why do you do that so much? What's your problem? Listen, I'm sorry. Don't get

upset, okay? Listen, I need to check in. Hey. Action! One moment, sir. Hey, do you have

my name in there? Can you read it back to me? I want to make sure you write it down

right. Can you please pronounce it one more time? Vagina. V-A-G-I-N-A. V-A-G-I-N-A.

Hey, yes, one moment, I'm trying to find you.

Do you have Google? Because if you look it up, I'm from the United States, I'm a movie star, I'm Vagina.

I'm looking it up, maybe you can find it under my synonym, Antoninus.

One moment, sir, please.

Hurry up, do you have Google.ru?

Fucking asshole.

Good afternoon, sir, can I help you?

Yes, I need you people to come deliver my car immediately and check me in and to my spaces. Damn it!

Sir, sir, can you repeat this?

I need you to come deliver my car machine to the airport and bring me down to your hotel so I can check in on my spaces immediately.

Do you have a reservation in our hotel?

Yes.

Can you tell me your name, please? I will check your reservation.

V-A-G-I-N-A.

Just a second. B-A?

No, V like Victor. A...

Ah, okay. V-A?

Uh-huh. G-I...

Yeah, V-A and so on.

V-A-G-I-N-A.

Sir, we have no reservation.

What are you looking for?

Just read it back to me and confirm, because you probably don't even know what you're doing.

I have a bad attitude, don't I?

Huh?

Am I rude?

You don't like?

Huh?

Monkey, listen.

Tell me what you're dialing in the computer.

Looking for a vagina or not?

Get some if you want some.

Carpet?

This is you with carpet.

Ryan, should we terminate the call here?

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

All right, we got the word from Ryan.

That was Russia.

We got more numbers in Russia here.

Here at the Arthur's Spa Hotel, they're in Russia.

The Aerostar Hotel in Russia also.

Well, that's the one we just called.

We have the Carson Hotel and Casino here.

And we still have that Walmart that we can call.

They just opened at midnight.

They had specials, deals of the day.

Whoop-de-doo.

Fucking deal.

All right, let's give them a call immediately.

Okay.

Pretty, pretty good.

I'm not kidding you.

I think I'm going to make that mashed potato sandwich, bro.

I'm not fucking around.

I'm going to put some mayo on it, too.

Hey, what's going on?

big girl, how you doing? Hey, what's good? Listen, you got any more of those, uh, uh,

keyboards there that were on sale? Cause I ain't coming in unless you fucking have them.

Put me through the electronics machine. God damn it. Put me through the stupid electronics

machine, damn it. Do what? Put me through the stupid fucking electronics machine, damn

it. Do you have to cuss me? I'm sorry. I have bursitis. Now put me through. Come on,

move along. Bursitis has nothing to do with cussing. You don't need to cuss me. You

I don't even know what bursitis is.

Why don't you hit extension 4 and poop me through?

It's not even extension 4 and you don't have to cuss.

I'm not cussing anymore since you made a big deal.

Hold on just a minute.

Okay.

Oh, damn it.

Oh, damn it!

Where's Eddie Garcia at?

I'll get him.

No, this is West Virginia.

No wonder.

No wonder they're talking.

Like, what's a fucking assholes?

We're at West Virginia, man.

I got realtors back here.

That's funny.

Four.

You know how they say five?

We're still in West Virginia.

You know how you say five in West Virginia?

You go five.

How can I help you?

Yeah, how do you say the number five?

Excuse me?

Five.

You got five over there?

Five what?

Five.

Listen, I had made an order for reservation machines there.

God damn it.

For the stupid keyboards you assholes are going to have on sale.

Sir, please don't cuss at me if you want me to continue listening to you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Listen, can I curse?

of Walmart in Bluefield, Virginia.

What did you have in order?

If I can't help you, I will find somebody to help you.

Well, you gotta tell me. I know where I live.

You know? I know where I'm at.

What's that about? Huh?

Sir, let me put you on hold and get management to answer your question.

No, no, don't you dare. I'm gonna get you

written up. We got your papers?

I hope you got your papers ready.

Son of a bitch.

Dude, that's down in the deep mountains.

The deep mountains. Is it really?

Where is this again? Walmart.

Bluefield, Virginia. Right after you go out south

South of Virginia.

Holy shit.

Great old civilization.

It's in West Virginia.

West by God of Virginia.

No, it's Virginia.

Very north part of Virginia.

Well, that's not what fucking Lonesome Loser said here.

And who do I trust more?

Bluefield WV, man.

I know where Bluefield is.

Mercer County Airport.

I trust Lonesome Loser a lot more.

It's right on the line.

Batman.

Bluefield Mountain's huge, you know.

It's on the borderline.

coal mining down there.

Fucking Christ.

We sell a lot.

Get away from the moon signers.

It's not too far away

from fucking Kentucky, you know.

That's a nasty part

of the country.

It's right on the top

of the Appalachian Mountains, bro.

Look at that.

Holy shit.

Hey, bro, this is Jojo, man.

It's you, dude.

Hey, big guy.

How you doing, man?

I'm fine, sir.

Listen, I've been insulted there

by two people

threatening to hang up on me,

threatening to write me up,

that they're going to report me.

So I want to make sure

that you have your papers

because I may be coming

and asking for a copy

of all your papers

and those people papers.

So I'm going to make a report and write all of you up.

Okay, what can I help you with, sir?

The stupid keyboards, the stupid shit keyboards.

I went down there, they're a stupid damn sale,

and the people refused to give them to me,

and I saw them there in the box, god damn it,

and they refused to come out and give it to me.

I told them, oh, we're going to get you in this,

we're going to get you on that, and push me around.

The guy's like, I can smell it on your breath, son of a bitch.

I just want my god damn keyboard.

Now, what type of keyboard is it, sir?

It's one of those keyboards that has a wave in it.

It goes up and down the keys.

Is it in the sale paper, sir?

Uh-huh.

Okay, the sale doesn't start until 5.

It has an unofficial sale that was supposed to start on goddamn fucking Thursday.

It starts at 5 o'clock in the morning.

No, it starts...

The items are...

Listen, ass.

This was a Thursday sale.

I came in on the damn Thursday, right?

I came in on damn Thursday.

And you people refused me service, refused me the keyboard.

When I got through with the lawsuit I'm going to do on you,

Are you the manager there in electronics, sir?

I'm not over electronics.

Well, you're answering the call.

Are you taking responsibility for what you people have done to me?

I'm taking the call, sir.

I'm trying to help you out.

Well, I'm putting you in responsibility, sir.

So what is your papers then?

What's that, sir?

Where are your papers at, boy?

I don't understand what you're saying.

You know you got papers.

I don't have papers, man.

But like I said, I'll be more than happy to take care of you on your keyboard option.

If it's something that we can take care of you, we'll take care of you.

Break me off on a $2 keyboard after rebate right now.

I'm going to come down there.

I'm going to come get it.

I don't want any questions, and I'm not sitting standing in that goddamn forsaken line with those nasty people.

You bring that to me in the front, and I want a security guard right there in front, too.

All right, partner.

We'll take care of you, man.

You can be a man and not hang out at the phone is what it can be.

How many fathers do you have?

You have a good day, sir.

You have four fathers.

Bye-bye.

I get it.

You got it, milkman?

Four fathers?

We all have four fathers.

Hey, guys, seriously.

Or five skins.

Tuck, ever since you brought it up, you put that in my head,

the idea of a fucking sandwich made out of mashed potatoes

with a little bit of mayonnaise and some bacon.

That was a nice idea.

It was a great idea.

I was just nodding in agreement.

I'm going to make that right now.

Do you want this order?

I'm looking to see what we should play here.

What is hala hala meaning?

Tell me, what is it?

What is hala meaning?

What does it mean?

Hala, hala.

What does that mean?

Hala means

fucking, fucking,

fucking.

You fuck.

I fuck you.

I fuck you bastard.

But not if I fuck you first.

Bastard, bloody.

Your mom fucking

with me.

Bloody bastard.

But what is bloody,

what is hala, hala meaning?

Tuttar wachia.

Hello.

Sob petera baphe,

mare baphe.

Huh?

Ita agosveta,

oi mokha.

Huh?

What is Hala Hala meaning? What does it mean?

What is Kitahos? What does it mean?

I don't understand Bengali

Hello?

Hello, who is this?

This is your father

A fucking bastard

Who are you man?

I'm Mr. Stewart

What is

What does it mean

Hala hala

What does it mean

Hala hala

You don't know what is hala hala

It's a fucking bastard

Mother and father

They're doing this kind of business

Isn't it

What does it mean

Why are you disturbing us

Because I want to find out

He's got a point

You don't know what it means

Hala hala bitch

I think la la la la la

Means

It's like saying no no no

La means no

So I'm sure they're just saying

Something like la no no no no

Anyway

Anyway, guys, I made that sandwich.

All right, so I'll just explain what I did here.

I don't think I've heard this.

Yeah, it is pretty good.

So what I've done here, let's hear a few seconds again.

It's getting in.

I'll explain what we're doing.

I don't know what just happened there.

Hello, let me go, let me go.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Bloody just put the phone down, fucking bastard.

And it just stopped playing.

I don't understand.

I hit the wrong button there.

And anyway, what I'm getting, I just made a sandwich of my own invention here.

I mean, I didn't, you know, basically I took white bread.

Let me get a camera on here.

Let me tweet it here.

Milk, mayonnaise.

And mash.

I just made up, well, what was that?

I just invented it, right?

Put it up for everybody.

I just whipped up a, I'd say, I guess you would call this a, it's a mashed potato sandwich.

sandwich now i was going to use mayonnaise but unfortunately i couldn't find the mayonnaise is

way in the back is like behind a bunch of stuff and i couldn't get to it so i decided just to

grab the thing that was closest so i used that shit they used to make deviled eggs with we had

a bunch of that filling left man so i'm gonna be removing this now uh so if you know if you've ever

thought about trying this i'm sure a lot of you may have some mashed potatoes left to get some

right well you want to do what i did you get some white bread and then you put a layer of

of mashed potatoes there and then you and normally you would do mayonnaise and here in this case we

have mayonnaise but it has some a little bit of egg and mustard mix with it mix with that i guess

i was thinking of adding mustards in this case we're using egg and and we're out of bacon bits

uh talk so we couldn't do that unfortunately yeah so uh next time perhaps uh oh we know i might you

know this is this if this is like a good thing i might end up uh making some real ones tomorrow

but anyway so basically then i toasted the whole thing in the toaster oven uh tuck i just think

you something to post in facebook if you don't mind so here we go here it is the mashed potato

sandwich let's take a look at it what are you expecting i had to add some salt to it because

uh it was a very makes you say oh there you go let's try it that's great that's great mashed

potato sandwich toasted mashed potato sandwich i love it i'm not lying man it's so good

motherfucker man that's some good shit make you slap your mama make you slap your mama right in

in your face and call her a monkey all right mashed potato sandwich a toasted mashed potato

sandwich i recommend it that feels good i don't even think you need the mayonnaise you might not

i'm still gonna die of a heart attack in a few years i just tried bacon grease man

bacon grease sandwich no no no add bacon grease instead of mayonnaise oh did i have

I bring grease to everything.

When I first, the first time, when the George Foreman grill first came out, I bought it.

And you know how I had that thing?

They said it made it healthier because it made the fat and the grease run off at an angle.

It collected in that cup.

Concentrated.

Yeah.

All the runoff, you know, would go into this concentrated cup, you know, that we kept it for to keep it clean, keep it out the food.

It was bullshit because if you just put it in a pan, that's the same stuff that's going to come out.

It's just not wallowing around it.

It's just sloping at an angle, but it's still coming out anyway.

But anyway, dude, I used to dip my steaks and my burgers in that juice, man.

It's good.

Yeah, I ended up eating it anyway.

Probably before I wouldn't because it's stay-in-the-pan,

but now I was using it as an au jus just about.

You can't do that with chicken.

You can do it with beef, but not with chicken.

With chicken, this is true.

It looks red still.

It's bloody.

It's not as nice.

Uh-uh.

All right, more numbers from Loose and Loser.

The Golden Apple Hotel in Russia.

The Calvi Moi in Estonia.

they got that spa hotel in russia also let

me get that right.

So they're not doing the door busters?

Were you able to get a hold of that number I sent you earlier that you asked for?

No.

Did you send it again?

No, no, no.

I texted it to you.

Oh, yes, I did.

I did, and I did make contact.

Yes, good guess.

It's all good.

Thank you.

Awesome.

yeah um yeah that's bullshit i guess they don't have the doorbuster sales anymore like they used

to for walmart the guy said that they're not doing those sales until five in the morning so

you can fucking do whatever you want what well you know what i think the reason i did is because

literally it got out of control with the people just fucking going crazy i think they just they

just stay open now a bunch of people got run over yeah yeah i don't think they did that this year

according to that guy the sales unless they still work yeah i'm gonna close at four and reopen a

five to cause a mayhem yeah that's what they're gonna do that's why i might fall down in front

of the people and they were stepping on top of him yeah yeah yeah well in my hometown like four

like a good family oh dude man you gotta try it anyway like in my hometown like four or five

years ago i tried on rye next time no fuck right that's fucking white people bread i use cuban

bread or french bread food or food or wonder bread that's all i use man no man that's not it

it man that's right wholesome man puerto rican bread puerto rican bread now it's too flaky i'm

not into it and it gets bad really quick wholesome wholesome the wholesome they don't sell that here

as a matter of fact in puerto rico i'll buy it and eat it when i'm over there it makes a mean

sandwich but no wholesome in orlando no sir okay so estonia let's give them a call here estonia

what do they what do they do are they a former soviet bloc i'm sure they are sound like yeah

they were and they're really big in communications now they're like trying to forge deals with

with governments around the world, including Japan, et cetera,

trying to do a complete, like, communication systems over digital and eliminate paperwork.

Yeah, nothing, man. That's cool.

Paperless phones, imagine that.

Who would have thought that would ever come?

Paperless phones, everybody.

Ask them about that.

Hey, stupid, I'm over here eating some leftovers. What are you doing?

Excuse me?

I'm over here eating some leftovers. I had some turkey tonight.

I had some mashed potatoes.

I don't have that.

You guys mash potatoes over here in Estonia?

Mash what kind of potatoes?

You mash them.

You know how to mash a potato?

This is Estonia, right?

I'm calling Estonia, right?

Yes, this is Kalvi Hotel.

Uh-huh.

You ever take a, you take a potatoes, right?

You take a few potatoes, you peel them.

Some people leave the skins on too, man.

That's good too.

And then you boil the potatoes, right?

And then you, when they boil for a while and you drain the water

and you mash the potatoes with a masher, mashing machine

and you add some shit to it and it's good.

I actually, what you would like to say?

I want to make a reservation machine.

You would like the reservation about what?

Machine, machine, get it right, write it down.

I think it's not possible.

Can you write down my name and look me up on the computer?

I mean, when can I make a reservation?

You mean like accommodation?

Sure, whatever.

I'm a communication master.

I'm a master of communications.

I'm a center of communication.

I make a lot of communication agreements,

and I forge forward with communications.

You know, I think it's maybe better to talk to our manager.

To a man, I think. Maybe not a woman, a man.

Yeah, let's do that before I get angry or fresh and untoward.

May I have your phone number, then?

No, no, no. You put me through now. Right now. I command you.

Excuse me?

Are you a woman?

Yes, I am.

I am a man. You understand?

You know, actually, I don't understand what you would like to our hotel.

I want to talk to a man first.

Okay, our manager is a man.

Okay, so let me talk to him.

It's not here right now.

When he comes, I'll call back and talk with him.

Because he can't answer in this phone, but I can give your number and he may call back for you.

Are you married?

I think it's not important.

No, no, it is to me because I'm looking for a wife. Do you have a husband?

I think, you know, I think you're calling not the place you would like to.

Do you like I put milk on you and drink it off of you?

Milk.

Would you like I put milk on you and drink it off of you?

Lick it.

I think I should finish this call.

I'm sorry.

You ever have a man do that?

You know, put stuff on you and eat it?

Sushi?

He finishes the call.

Yo, kid, let's get out Eddie Garcia.

Oh, Eddie Garcia, that's right.

We got Godzilla's Hostel there in Russia.

That's awesome.

Hostel, isn't that for students?

Dude, what's a hostel?

Isn't that for, like, college fuckers?

I thought it was, like, for recovering patients and stuff.

Well, anybody who wants poor, uh, cheap housing.

Poor and cheap housing.

Oh, fuck that.

Okay, hostels provide budget-oriented, sociable accommodation where guests can rent a bed.

Sometimes a bunk bed and a dormitory and share a bathroom.

Ew.

Right, right.

Sometimes a lounge and kitchen.

Rooms can be mixed or single sex.

In a few countries, such as the UK, et cetera, et cetera, the World Hostel,

sometimes also refers to establishments providing longer term accommodation blah blah blah okay well

cool yeah i guess it's for people just anybody doesn't matter communal accommodation i have a

friend who travels all the time and that's what she does she stays in hostels really even now at

her age yeah yeah wow is she in her 30s isn't it isn't only for people in her 20s i'm not allowed

to do it anymore apparently because i'm 30 now not really not really i could be an old man and do it

Nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to be like 80 years old out there, 60, perverted, 60, 70 years old.

I'll do that.

I don't care.

I'll be in a hostel.

If you're a cheapo man and don't want to thrift for a hotel, then yeah.

All right, well, let's call this hostel and get perverted with him.

It's always fun.

Big Matt checking in.

You get hostile at the hostel.

Matt's an asshole.

Get Eddie Garcia to get hostile.

I wish Matt was here right now.

Choke his balls off.

Three cents per minute.

Matt, I ate a sandwich, bro.

is made out of mashed potatoes

and that shit they make

deviled eggs with.

And I toasted it, fucker.

It was good.

Make one of those right now

and give me a review.

You fagged me.

You should name that after me,

the mashed potato sandwich.

Hey, what's going on, big girl?

Hey, this is the hostel.

Yes?

I'm going to go down there

and check in.

How much I got to pay?

You got fees there?

How many toilets you got?

Please?

Do I share a toilet

when I'm in the hostel?

Uh, yeah.

I had to share.

It's on the floor.

Are people going to watch

when I'm taking a shit?

Anything going to watch?

That's good.

No, they won't.

That would be cool.

I mean, is it, can they see me when I'm taking a shit?

What kind of, where's the toilet at?

I want to know about the toilet.

Is it clean?

Yeah, they are.

Mm-hmm.

Who cleans it?

The, the hostile people or the workers?

Uh, it's for the hostile people, uh, no, it's cleaned by the...

Uh-huh, okay, there's no shit anywhere, like papers, does it smell bad?

Clean.

It's, uh, we've got a good clean in here, it's, everything's comfortable.

So can I, do I get to change clothes in front of other people?

like they see me changing clothes you you've got a common uh clothes with other people oh so they

get to watch me when i take out my my private parts and everything it's nice that's what i

want to do i get changed closing up or like eight outfits all day and we change the clothes so much

in front of girls and stuff like on purpose but i think you'll manage huh can i do i have to see

women taking off you know changing clothes and stuff in the room together with me i suppose you

You can deal with it.

Do you want to look at Nick's dorm?

Yeah, I do.

And then I want to, like, model, you know, for you, maybe.

I mean, do you show me the room?

When do you want the room?

For today.

Like, I want you to go down there and be like, hey, man, I'm Valente.

You were like, what's your name again?

Olga?

Hey, Olga.

What's up, girl?

I'm like, hey, big Olga.

I'm Valente.

I was talking on the phone about getting us spaces.

And you were like, all right.

And then you take me, you know, and we'll go together.

and then you show me the room and you be like is there anything else and you want a tip and i say

oh yeah hang on i'm gonna change you something more comfortable and i'll take off my pants and

my shirt my underwear my shoes and my socks and everything yeah you can clean everything here

we've got laundry if you're talking about it and then just exactly what are you meaning i'm gonna

take off my clothes when you show me the room like it's a secret thing between me and you it's like

my sign if i if if you're attractive if you're worthy of it it's a bad deal you know you don't

want to watch me with my clothes off then uh no i don't want to really i'm working here well that's

okay i mean that's cool you take your clothes off yeah you can use uh you can use godzilla's

hostel book my number if you want to okay uh but no but when i see you like i'm gonna you know i

want you to come to my room for me i'm gonna take off my pants and stuff all for you like and then

You watch me with no pants on, no shirt, you look at my back, I have muscles like that, nice back muscles, I move my muscles for you, my back, my ass muscles.

I'm glad for you, I'm sorry, but I don't have to do anything except check you in and check you out.

You have a big clitoris?

What exactly?

Your clitoris, is it big or small?

What?

Clitoris, is it big or small?

Okay, and chicken, yours and their.

I understand the size, that's why I'm asking you, what size?

Okay.

Sir, we are not on the phone, so use still a hostile point.

I'm going to take my pants off right there when I get in.

I'm coming in.

I'm not coming with no pants on.

I'm not going to have any pants on.

Is there going to be a problem if I don't have any pants on?

What if I lost my pants?

Sir, wait for me.

What?

Jesus.

No problem.

What the fuck am I talking about?

We got a big clip, boy.

I'm talking about coming in with no pants on.

I'm sorry.

I don't have to do anything else.

She didn't know what you were talking about.

No, no.

She's Russian.

What does she know?

Ooh, Pete's in Australia.

Let's call them.

Oh, she's Estonian.

I'm sorry, Estonian.

No, no, no, my bad.

We did call Russia.

All right, Eddie Garcia will call.

I hate Eddie Garcia.

That's just a stupid word.

Yo, kid.

Yo.

Why are you so stupid?

I don't even remember how to do it.

Hello?

Is that it?

Huh?

Remember how?

Eddie Garcia, kid.

Yeah, Eddie Garcia.

On the private, yeah.

More Chicano.

Happy possums take away come and speak to us. Okay. How you doing? What's up kid the pizza? Oh, you know

I ordered a pizza. Why is it so stupid? It tastes like shit, man. I don't like yeah, put me down. You got my name

I'm gonna go down there and push you around. Yo, why are you so stupid? Well, you just saw what?

You look forward to what you know, I'm in the army. I'm down play games. I'm down the army buddy

You're on the army man. I'll wrestle you. You're the nine millimeter pepperoni bullets party. Are you threatening me?

yo have a hand grenade yo yo they give me hand grenades in the army yo they give me hand grenades

and i'm top of a humvee yeah man yo yo i'll catch you later drive a helicopter over

drive a helicopter over immediate provocation man and eddie garcia shows up he takes a shit

the cost of this call is three cents per minute fucking that sandwich is awesome

Yo, while you hang up on me, yo

Yo, dude

Yo, take my order, you mother

Listen, I'm gonna drive a helicopter over there

Stupid

He won't listen to my story about the helicopter

Keep him going

I'll call, give him a little bit

Cause he's not, he's too busy right now

That's the Hungry Possum's Pizza

That's the place I wanna go

A place called Possum

And I think pizza

Anyway, was that, uh

We gotta keep him on our call list

Was that Matt from Motherfucker Joopin' Friends?

is that who it was

jupin' motherfucker

friends

I didn't even think

about that

probably

it's a comcast

Pennsylvania

so I think it was

that motherfucker

jupin' friends

alright

motherfucker

jupe

yeah

ain't seen that

fucker in so

fucking long

in the asshole

didn't want to

stare at

in the chat room

you asshole

the one you're

supposed to be

charged up

you shit

oh man

live

oh Matt

okay

okay yeah

the farm

yeah he's

he's probably

gonna go do

face farming

on Facebook

facebook he's gonna face farm whatever what's that farming gay shit athena's doing it i'm like

you stupid ass farmville what is that anyway everyone's okay what what are you doing what

i don't know i think it's like i gotta i gotta use your computer because mine's too slow i'm like why

so i got a game i'm playing like athena you're gaming now it's like no i gotta play farmville

like you need a high performance computer to play a java game on uh fucking on facebook so yeah i'm

I'm like, okay.

So she's explaining what she's doing.

She's got fucking cows and a carnival on a farm,

and there's daffodils growing and fucking shit,

and a bunch of, there's like a thousand things you can grow.

But what is it, though?

Is it like a Sims game?

Kind of.

What is it exactly?

It's like, the layout's like Sim City.

You got a farm, and you pick the shit you're going to plant,

and you buy the plants, and you sell the plants.

I don't know.

I think there's an open market, and you can sell it.

All I know is that you can, like, get points as you go along,

and give them to people and stuff like that,

try and get them to hand stuff back to you.

It's one of those sim games.

I want to see.

It's a farm.

Milkman, you're in charge of the Facebook page.

I want you to set up a Farmville thing.

All I want is cows on there.

I want people to donate their cows and get cows.

We should have a bunch of cows in our face.

We've got several invites.

There you go.

We'll pick one, and then whoever's coolest,

and then we're going to just set up.

I want cows on that, and that's it, cows.

Cows.

Nothing but animals and cows.

I don't know why.

It just sounds interesting.

No, that's cool.

I don't know.

It'll tell a lot.

Then we'll give out cows on Facebook.

Every time everybody wants a cow, we'll give you a cow.

We'll give out shit on Facebook.

Farmville.

You want some daffodils?

We'll give you some daffodils.

The cow market.

We'll give out fucking animals.

Who fucking cares?

Is that a fucking real?

She's so obsessed with it.

It's like, oh my God, I'm late.

I got to start harvesting.

I'm like, what the fuck are you harvesting, stupid?

stupid daffodils and shit and pineapple trees i'm like what the fuck it's fucking facebook why

you play why are you selling for growing at pineapple trees and facebook i thought you just

go on there to talk about your face you talk to your other face friends you facebook your friends

i thought now people go jesus christ entries and it's all dude i poor ugly little black duck

Yeah, ugly duck or a cow.

I don't get it.

What?

Like, what?

What's going on?

Yeah.

Let's call Frenchie Frog back.

Lonesome Loser sent us this number earlier.

This is for the Hotel Napoleon in France.

I think Frenchie's going to be gone by now, though, right?

He said it was the end of his duty.

Yeah, he said that, but he might have been afraid.

If he's there still, I'm going to be like,

Hey, I thought he said it was the end of your duty.

That's the end of my duty.

Best Thanksgiving show ever.

No, we've had better.

This is good so far.

I mean, you know, I wish Ted was around, that fucker.

That fat fuck Ted.

Ah, I know, man.

And I miss him.

And Rickwood.

And Rickwood, yeah.

Oh, I've got the eyes.

Hey, where's Bruno, that fat fucker?

Sorry?

That asshole Bruno, where's he at?

Who?

Bruno is not here for the moment, sir.

Listen, woman.

Gentlemen, Bruno was supposed to send me a car over here to pick me up at the airport.

I'm at Charles de Gaulle fucking gay airport.

They're going to bring me down, and that fuck didn't do it, did it?

Where's my car? Tell me right now.

But what's your name, sir?

This is Valente. Bruno was supposed to send a car machine down here to pick me up at the gay airport, Charles de Gaulle airport.

But Bruno, my manager, the front office manager, Bruno, hello?

Whatever, the guy who was talking to me when I called this same stupid number earlier, damn.

A French guy named Bruno

He's effeminate

You know who I'm talking about

Effeminate man

Sounds

Yeah yeah yeah

I understand

But hold on

What's your name sir

Your last name

Do you have a booking

In this hotel

Yeah I do

So what's your name please

My name is

V-A-G-I-N-A

Oh no

Let me check

Huh

Hello

Yeah yeah I'm here

Don't shout at me

Hey don't get fresh with me

I don't need this thing

What's this about

You talking to me like that

I'm a woman

I'm a man

And so what

You are insulting me, sir, and you're shouting on me.

You don't have to talk to me like that, right?

No, wait a minute now.

You don't talk to a man like this.

I'm a man.

Wait, wait, wait.

If you want me to help you, just...

You behave.

You just go use your computer and fix this right now, woman.

Let me try to help you, but don't be so rude with me.

No, just...

I will try to help you as...

Listen, your job is to be pretty and use a computer and fix the problem.

That's it.

That's okay.

Yeah, okay. I will be pretty with you, but don't be like that with me, sir.

Well, don't tell me. You don't give any orders here. Who are you? You're a woman.

I'm a man.

And so what?

So, you're a woman.

Are you kidding or what? No, it's a joke. I mean, oh, no, no.

You're a little fresh and smart with a mouth, a big mouth on you.

Okay, so you have a booking here in this hotel for tonight, sir, right?

You got my name or what?

No, I don't have your name. Do you have a reservation number maybe with you?

No. I got into a fight with my wife. She had it, and she's out of here. On her ass.

No, not vegan.

V-A-G-I-N-A.

What are you looking up? Read it back.

How are you typing it in, dammit?

Hey, you.

Okay, I don't have your name, sir. I'm sorry.

Read it back to me, stupid.

What are you putting in there?

He's still on there.

God.

Oh, God.

I'm jerking it right now.

What?

Let's call it back.

It took a second.

That was so cool, dude.

She was still on there.

They still got me online.

Listen, why do you hang up on me?

What's that about, woman?

You see why I said you shouldn't be talking to me?

Because a woman doesn't even know how to use a phone.

She hangs up and asks him when she's supposed to be using the computer.

And then you didn't even hang up the phone.

I could still hear you talking in the background, too.

You're like...

In the background.

And I never said fucking woman to you.

I just said woman.

That's it.

And it's true.

You're a woman, right?

let's be honest you're a woman call a spade a spade why are you why are you people laughing at

me no sorry sir i i just i what what's your name again this isn't fair okay you are which airport

now what's charles de gaulle charles de gaulle charles de gaulle okay no no no i don't know

they go bruno was sending bruno was sending a taxi to me over an hour ago and the stupid

thing didn't come over here yet hold on i tried to talk with my

and try to find out what's happened.

J'ai un monsieur au téléphone qui me dit que Bruno

devait lui envoyer une voiture à l'aéroport

et que personne n'a jamais voulu le chercher.

Are you talking about me?

No, no, no, I'm talking to my concierge.

Don't get me in trouble.

Oh my God.

I don't have your name on the computer,

so I don't know if you have a booking here in this hotel.

How did you type it in?

No, but what?

Is it for a hotel room or for apartments?

No, hotel machine, man.

I got reservations.

Il me dit qu'il a une réservation ici.

I don't, because I don't have, for how many nights do you have the booking, sir?

Two.

Two nights.

Under vagina.

The thing is, sir, I don't have any booking under your name here.

Really.

And maybe under another name.

How are you typing it in?

You don't even know how you're typing it in.

I don't, confirm, yeah.

You told me already.

You told me already, but anyway, I don't have any booking.

Start with a V today, sir.

Oh, Jesus.

That's why I just wanted to know if maybe the booking was under another name.

No, it might be under Valente, but I'm Vagina.

How do you say Vagina in French, Milkman?

What's your first name, sir?

This is Valente.

Valente Vagina.

Chat.

What?

You don't have any booking reference.

Spell it.

Huh?

You don't have any booking reference with you, sir.

No, I gave it to my wife.

I hit my wife and everything because she didn't get the ride on time.

I gave it to her.

She's my age.

Where is your wife now?

Well, she's in the hospital.

Oh, maybe the best for you now is to take a taxi then.

Because for the moment, me, I can't do anything.

Well, I'm hiding from the police because I hit my wife in the airport.

I got so mad that you people didn't send a taxi that I hit her.

Angry, and I slapped her in the face, in the fat face.

But why you did that, sir?

Because she's a woman bitch.

Oh, come on.

Okay, let me talk to Bruno.

Maybe he will know about the story.

Can you just hold on a minute, please, sir?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay, don't take too long, damn it.

I thought Bruno left.

What a liar.

Hold on, hold on, sir.

Bruno said he was leaving.

He's a lying...

Okay, hold on.

Stay on the line.

I'll try to talk with him.

Okay, honey, okay.

Mad.

How do you say that shit in French?

No plan, you asshole.

Ah, okay.

I have the voicemail.

I can't reach him right now because...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

I know, but it's not my fault, sir, really.

I want to help you, but I don't know what to do now

because I don't have the name on the computer

and I don't have any information about the transfer,

about Bruno, you know?

Bruno's going to get me arrested because I hit my wife

because of his fault.

It's his fault. It's your fault.

My fault?

But me, I did nothing.

You didn't pick me up and I got angry at my wife

and I got physical with her, violent.

Alors, can I take your...

Donne-moi un papier là-bas.

Can I take your phone number, sir, please?

407-459...

4534.

Is it a USA number?

Absolutely.

I'm American.

Best country in the world.

You know that you people, you know that you owe me a favor because of what we did for you, huh?

Yeah, I know.

I know, sir.

I just wanted to help you, but I don't know how because I don't have your name here in that computer.

You know, you people are a bunch of monkeys is the problem.

I think that's what it comes down to.

Oh, come on.

Monkeys.

Okay, 407-459-4534.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hey, will you do me a favor?

Will you speak French to me, please?

You want me to speak to you in French?

Yeah.

You want me to speak in French to you?

You have an attractive voice.

You will not understand anything?

Huh?

Merci, monsieur.

Oh, thank you.

Merci, monsieur.

Let's, okay.

Hey, what's your vagina like?

What, my, sorry?

Your vagina.

La chatte.

If I'm what?

La chatte.

Oh, sir, you don't have to talk like that.

You know, I put my mouth on there for you.

I, you know, lick it.

Comment, mais?

Well, you talk French, you know why I do it.

You say anything in France.

Avec ma bouche.

Okay, qu'est-ce que vous voulez que je vous dise en français?

Yeah, do you want, you like, you're any guys, you know, licking it down there?

You like it?

Huh?

I do it good.

Okay, um...

You shave or no?

Tell me.

Yeah, no, yes, I don't know.

Oh, come on, tell me.

You shave a little bit?

Okay, I'll call you later.

You smoke cigarettes?

I'll call you later.

You smoke cigarettes?

That's fucking hot.

Yeah, I smoke.

Yeah, you smoke?

Yeah.

You like cigars too?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

No.

Like penis in your mouth?

No.

Yeah, give me one.

No.

Never.

Never?

Come on.

Okay, I tried to reach...

Ew, you're a lesbian?

So you like getting oral, but...

Uh-huh.

No, no, no, not at all, not at all.

Yeah, you are.

You're gay. Go to hell.

No, I'm not.

Go to hell.

Anyway, I will try to reach you later.

Oh, yeah, you do that, baby. You call me.

Okay, no problem.

Talk to you later, then, okay?

Yeah, girl, I'll fuck you later.

Okay, bye.

The cat.

What's it called, milkman?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, I have Bruno on the line.

Hold on.

Bruno's calling in, everybody.

Someone came to pick me up, apparently. He gave me your name.

He told me, Bruno, suppose to come to Pickmeup at the airport, blah, blah, blah.

And it's been half an hour since I've been on the phone.

He tells me, Virginia.

I don't understand what he's telling me.

He's telling me weird things on the phone. He's American.

He tells me he hit his wife, his wife is at the hospital, blah, blah, blah.

That someone came to pick him up at the airport.

He's completely drunk on the phone.

And since he gave me your name, maybe it's for one of your apartments, but I don't think so.

Gay woman of you.

Well, yes, but I don't know.

Wait.

Hello, sir?

What's he saying about me?

What?

Okay, no, I just wanted to take your name again.

Sorry, can you spell it again for me?

V-A-G-I-N-A.

G-I-N-A.

Yeah.

G-I-N-A.

Well, no, it's N-A-R-A-N-A-V-I-N-A.

Check it out in your G-talk.

J'ai faim de toi.

What's le chat avec ma bouche?

That means you're pussy with my mouth.

How do you say the second one?

J'ai faim de toi.

Yeah, j'ai faim de toi.

Allô, monsieur?

J'ai faim de toi.

Ouais, super.

OK, donc là, c'est pas drôle.

Quoi qu'il arrive, it's not funny.

If it's a joke, it's not funny anyway.

It's not funny anyway.

You're getting nasty with me.

No, it's not funny.

So you have to take a taxi and then come over to the hotel.

I don't know where you want to go, but me, I don't have time.

I have to work.

So have a nice day.

What did Bruno say?

Have a nice trip in Paris.

Bruno is not here.

He doesn't work here anymore.

So thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

you asshole you made bruno quit you got him to quit yeah he had apparently yeah he's he's not

there anymore baby carlito's in the house i would presume that's uh he still works to dead yeah i

guess so he gave her the whole the whole word right she's on our little game now no man yeah

Yeah, she was telling me he was talking dirty.

You know, you was talking dirty, too.

Oh, she was, okay.

I was talking dirty.

I think that lady gets customer service award of the week.

Apparently.

She figured it out, though.

Get another call next Thursday.

I think she should.

I don't know.

I think she should.

She was laughing.

She liked that when you started talking about that little shit.

Yeah, she said a blush, and she almost told us whether or not she shaved.

That was pretty nice.

That's nice to know.

She probably doesn't.

She's France.

She won a Levegan, so she liked that shot.

She's France.

She doesn't shave.

She has a lot of hair.

All right.

Let's see what Lonesome Moose has got here for us.

Great call, man.

It's 2.18 in the fucking morning.

We're still doing prank calls.

What's wrong with us?

All right.

Harold Seafood on the Strand.

I still have stuff downstairs in the kitchen today before I go to bed.

Oh, man.

How are we doing?

Let me check things here.

We're going to make sure we're good on phone card minutes.

Yes, we are.

Listeners are holding strong.

That's good.

All right, well, let's continue here.

That was France.

This is somewhere else in Europe.

It's called the Harrods.

I'm guessing this is England.

That's what I know.

Harrods is a big store.

It's like a huge store.

It's kind of like Macy's, but it's for London.

It's a seafood, you shit.

I'm on Harrods.

They've got seafood, too.

They've got everything.

It's Harold's.

Use the shit, though.

Don't worry about me.

Hello.

Listen, is this Harrods?

Yeah.

Listen, you jerks are supposed to go pick me up in my car machine.

I'm from the United States of America, god damn it.

And you haven't come pick me up over here to go shopping.

Pardon? I think that's the wrong number. We are a fish and chip shop.

Yeah, exactly. I'm going out here to do shopping for fish and shit.

Yeah?

Uh-huh. That's why I want some fish and shits.

Okay, so you want to make an order?

Yeah, for fish and shits.

Okay.

Yeah, put me down for three spaces.

What time would you like to pick it up?

Immediately.

Okay, what's immediately?

Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.

Right now.

What's your name?

Valente.

What is it?

Valente.

Okay, could you spell that for me?

Sorry.

V-A-G-I-N-E.

All right.

What is it then?

Pagina?

Yeah.

Okay, and one half fish bag.

One half douche bag?

Right.

No, fish and shit.

Yeah, that's the half fish bag.

That's the crumb.

Hey, listen, stupid.

Listen, I want you to take a shit in the bag and put it in the microwave.

Okay, anyway, maybe you just stand in the line and this is...

Anyway, I slap you in the face.

Okay.

Huh?

All right.

Stupid.

All right, I don't even know what country that was.

I think that was Australia.

Apparently they don't know what vagina means there either.

We're getting away with a lot of...

What do you want your farmer's name to be, Hermano?

Vagina Jones, thank you.

Hermano?

Vagina Jones.

No, it can't be that.

Well, prison ships.

I almost...

I'm from London, England.

You can't make it Vagina Jones, can you, milkman?

make it v make it i may not i'll try it but do v.jones all right can you do that v jones initial

v the last name jones don't do vagina i don't want to get sued by these fuckers goddamn fucking

liberals on the fucking youtube uh youtube how about giovanna giovanna just do last name vagina

i don't know valente just whatever figure it out valente valente agriculture no no no do valente

Valente Agriculture Corp.

Valente Agriculture Inc.

I like that one.

Valente Ag Inc.

We'll call it Valente Ag.

Or VADGE for short.

V-A-G.

Valente Agriculture Inc.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

This is Valente with VADGE Inc.

How are you doing?

Hello, hello.

Yeah, listen.

I got these nipples.

Don't ring again.

Hey, shut up.

Don't ring again.

Well, fuck yourself.

What's your problem?

What the fuck?

You heard?

Don't ring again.

I didn't even get to say anything.

That means call back immediately.

That's a different place on the internet.

This is Baz Jones.

The cost of this call is...

You said enough, sir.

You don't need to say any more.

I rang again.

What's going to happen now, huh?

Woman.

Don't ring again, okay?

I already did, stupid.

And I'll do it again.

Don't ring again, okay?

Take my order right now.

Don't complain.

I want to talk to a man.

I want to speak to your civil rights.

I want to talk to a man.

What's your civil rights?

The supervisor.

What?

The supervisor.

Oh, what do you want to talk to him for?

Are you going to complain?

About your attitude.

Okay, hang on.

Yeah.

Eddie Garcia.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Eddie Garcia.

What's up, yo?

Hello?

Hello, this is Eddie.

Pardon?

This is Eddie, yo.

How you doing?

Just a second.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

What you after?

This is Eddie.

Yeah, what?

Yo.

What you after?

Yo, you said you want to talk to...

What do you want?

You want to talk to a manager, yo.

What do you want?

I'll do that right now.

You ready?

No, it doesn't.

Yes, get off.

I just did.

Right.

What's with the reverse psychology?

All of a sudden, the prank victims are asking to talk to my manager.

I'm the one that says that all the time.

What the fuck?

What the fuck's going on with this world?

We got the prank victims pranking the pranker.

Crazy mixed up world.

It is a crazy mixed up night.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

That's kind of scary.

I'm going to talk to your manager.

Get out of here, bitch.

Whatever that was, that's what it was.

Sunshine Kebabs.

They're in Queensland.

It is what it is.

And that's what it is.

Vanna Jones on the mic.

Calling people.

I think that's pretty good.

Eddie Garcia made a killer comeback.

Eddie Garcia's an asshole.

Wait, is that kind of stupid?

Listen.

Hello.

Listen.

This is Austin.

What?

This is Austin Sunshine Kebabs.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, I called earlier.

Some woman was talking to me.

You know who that is?

Call some who?

I talked to you, stupid.

And this woman was talking to me.

Excuse me.

It's sunshine kebabs.

What did you call?

I want to make an order for fucking kebabs and shit.

You want to do order?

For fucking kebabs and shit.

Excuse me.

I want to make an order.

Yeah.

Can I make an order, please?

Okay.

Uh-huh.

What would you like?

I would like kebabs.

Kebab.

You have lamb meat.

Listen.

Monkey.

Small or large?

Large.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

You want a small or large?

Yes, monkey.

I want large, please.

Okay.

Okay, you have to learn, finally, how can you speak, okay?

You don't need to be rude.

I'm not doing kebab for you, okay?

No, please.

Please, I'm hungry.

Please.

Okay, you can come there.

No, I'm sorry, asshole monkey.

I'm sorry, donkey.

Oh, man.

What the fuck's going on tonight with me?

Here we go.

I might not go to sleep.

I might just go to Walmart at 5 o'clock in the morning.

I'm expecting a big crowd.

I'm going to roll tonight.

night oh it's you again huh who's this listen i only speak to men put the man on the phone again

please okay he says unless you're coming in for a kebab then he's not speaking i'm coming in so

put him on tell him yes to put him on because i'm coming in um he says okay no tell him this

to tell him i say he's an asshole again on the phone right now or there's going to be trouble

for you i'm talking to you missy you put him on the phone now or you're you are going to be

Hey, I heard him back there.

He said this guy can't get in trouble for us.

Oi, what does he mean, trouble?

You want me to hang out?

Alright, that was, uh, who was that?

That was the Sunshine Kebabs again, okay.

Rocket Rods Hamburger Heaven.

They're in Queensland, Australia.

Alright, let's give these fuckers a call here.

You want me to hang out?

Because, like, what he said, unless I was...

He wouldn't talk to me unless I'm coming in

And I told him, okay, I'm coming in

I'm coming in so he gets to talk to me

Let's listen to the inside of my mouth

Oh, listen, your phone sounds very bad

It's very muffled

Can you speak up a little bit?

Get out of here, I have a Thompson phone

It's from the United States of America

Listen, I want to make a stupid order.

What would you like?

Food.

It's on the menu and shit.

What do you got that's good tonight?

You got some hamburgers in there?

Yeah.

Put me down for a double cheeseburger, two half-prown patties, medium well with mustard, mayo, onion, and cheese.

I'll have curly fries with that seasoned, Diet Coke, and do you have any jalapeno poppers?

No, and we do not have hash browns or curly fries.

I didn't ask for hash browns.

What are you talking about, bro?

Bro, I asked for curly fries.

Give me that curly fries shit.

No, we actually don't have any.

You make some then.

You know how you make a curly fry.

Why don't you put a little effort into it, huh?

And I'm just starting to get insulting.

I'm losing the juice already.

I'm getting really tired is what it is.

Let's call back, though.

I keep sipping on Mountain Dew over here, trying to keep myself awake.

I'm almost in a zombie state right now.

The dead's in the chat.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

Floppy tits.

Thank you.

Speaking of, I have you.

Listen, some woman over there is hanging up the phone and talking fresh.

Um, yeah, she didn't know if you were a serious customer or not, sorry.

Okay, well, can I get her an apology, please?

I want an apology before I give you my order.

Maybe a one-and-a-half apology.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I do apologize, sir.

I didn't think you were making a serious phone call.

All right, honey, that's fine.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, what'd you say?

I said I'm sorry.

I didn't think you were making a serious phone call.

All right, did you get in trouble for this now or something?

No, not yet.

Not yet?

All right, well, I hope you don't get in trouble.

I'll do everything I can, but I might have to...

I've got my papers here, and I might be filing a report against you.

Okay?

That's fine. Would you like to speak to my boss?

Yeah. Let's go ahead and get the paper started. Go ahead.

Can you get your stuff together, maybe?

And just maybe go to the office right now, please?

Hello?

Hey, who's this? Who's this?

Who am I speaking with?

This is Valente. This is Valente.

Valente, yes.

Now, listen, who was that young lady that was just apologizing because she made a mistake?

State for what?

You haven't got an order in, have you?

Well, I tried to make an order, and she was rude to me.

And she hung up the phone on me, and she said, shit, damn it, and stuff like that.

Okay, well, what would you like?

She said, shit, damn it, to me.

What would you like? Anything?

Well, yeah, we need to take care of the situation first.

What would you like?

I want you to write her up.

I have to order, because I have people I have to go and serve.

Listen to me, woman.

Listen, woman, I want her to gather her stuff,

and I want her to be sent home and not pay for the rest of the day.

Right now.

You do that right now.

You listen to me.

You hear me?

Love it.

Take my sunglasses off.

Whoa.

You're on a roll now, man.

I don't know about that, man.

I'm, like, barely coherent right now.

Took my sunglasses off.

I've been wearing them all night inside the house.

Just like the song says, I wear my sunglasses all night.

Man, it's really bright in this house.

I wear my sunglasses.

I wish I had that song.

I doubt that I do.

Oh, my God, I do.

That's Corey Hart.

Let's play some Corey Hart.

I wear my sunglasses all night.

Oh, cool.

Cool.

I got to, because I just took...

Cory, hell yeah.

Dude, let's find...

What's that number?

I'm sure I got it here.

This is Melissa.

How may I direct your call?

Hey, what's going on, Big Melissa?

Listen, I need to talk to that fucking guy, Cory, in security right now.

You put him on the phone right now,

or we're going to have a fucking episode on the phone,

and I'm going to yell and say bad shit.

Okay, let me connect you to Cory.

God damn it!

Cory can't be here tonight.

He's a supervisor.

Security, this is Joe.

How may I assist you?

Hey, this is Big Joe.

Hello.

Hey, big guy, how you doing?

Listen, I want to hear about Corey.

I want you to tell him, spill the beans.

I can't hear you.

Listen, you son of a bitch, I want to know about Corey.

About who?

Corey, this asshole Corey.

It's Corey.

Some stupid son of a bitch at the security there that stole my iPod a few weeks ago.

No, there is no Corey here.

Give me all his information right now, and I want your papers.

I want a copy of your papers.

I'm going to sue you.

I'll tell you what, start suing because you ain't getting nothing from me.

You're a son of a bitch.

Who in the hell is this?

This is Valente, and I'm calling the shots here.

I'm going to sue you unless you start acting.

No, you ain't calling no shots.

Yes, I am.

I'm the consumer.

I'm with ConsumerReports.com.

I run the magazine.

You understand me?

When I get a hold of you, when I get the lawsuit I put on you,

you're not going to be able to support yourself anymore.

You're not going to do this.

These casinos will close when I'm done with the lawsuit I'm going to put on you people

for stealing my stuff.

Bastard.

If I'm not calling those shots, then who the hell is?

You tell me right now, boy.

Speak up.

Who are you talking to in the background?

maybe I should ask that first

because I gave you my name

when you asked for it

I just got on the phone

what's your name

who is this

this is Valente

why don't you introduce yourself

when you get on the phone

I don't even know who I am

all I heard you rambling

about something

I'm sorry asshole

you say you don't know

who you are

right

stupid

he doesn't know what he's saying

he doesn't know who he is

I'm sorry

if he doesn't know who he is

well fuck me

I'm an asshole

whatever

okay

Rocket Rod's

Hamburger Haven

uh Heaven

not Haven

in heaven and they are located in queensland australia let's give them a call here getting

ready to wrap things up here late on a black friday the cost of this call is three cents per

minute evening rocket road center speaking hey what's going on with your plasma hey uh did you

want to place an order yeah i wanted to is that okay i mean then you sound kind of being rude

and stuff is there going to be a problem with me and you maybe i should talk to somebody else and

Not you, if you're going to be a rude person.

Maybe I should talk to someone else myself and get an order from someone.

Could you please place an order?

Because we are busy.

No, put me on with somebody else there, because I don't like your attitude,

and I don't think you're going to do stuff to my food or mess it up.

If you keep ringing up, sir, we will be reporting your number.

I don't care.

Why don't you go shut up, stupid?

Why don't you go sit on it?

I'm just being a rude asshole tonight, and I don't know why.

I just know I don't have to work tomorrow, so who cares?

Elena's Fish Cafe in Queensland, also.

so just call at this point i've degraded it and calling people australia and degrading them

and a casino it's not that funny but whatever that's what you get the cost a little out of

it right now three cents per minute just finish a bottle of wine oh that's right here bottle one

gone man what's going on i just drank a whole bottle of wine son of a bitch you put me down

for fish and chips fun went out for three spaces three spaces i want a goddamn three spaces of

So, just three cards?

No, three spaces.

Three spaces?

Yeah, are you daft or something?

Uh, what spaces?

Are you a twit?

Fun?

Are you some kind of twit?

No.

You sure about this?

Because maybe because you're a woman, you don't understand what I'm talking about.

Maybe you're going to mess it up.

Is this too much pressure for you, honey?

No.

Do you mess up orders a lot?

Do your hands tremble?

No.

No?

All right, put me down for three spaces of fish and chips.

Three spaces?

Yep.

Or three pieces?

No, spaces, man.

I know what I'm saying.

You don't know what I'm saying, but I know what I'm saying.

We don't serve spaces here, sorry.

Oh, no?

Oh, fuck me in the ass.

Forget it then, right?

Meh, I'm an asshole.

My bad.

Yeah, stupid.

What would you like today?

I told you I wanted fish and chips.

Just how many fish would you like?

Three spaces of it.

Three pieces of them?

Yeah.

You get started on that right away for me, honey, okay?

Pardon?

Listen, honey, I want you to go get started on that right away for me, okay?

I'm going to be down there, how long do you think?

Maybe 10, 15 minutes?

So what was your order, sorry?

Three spaces of fish and chips.

Three spaces.

Uh, yeah, of fish and chips.

We don't have three spaces.

But I told you maybe I'm an asshole, and then you said you did have it.

So you're trying to say I'm an asshole?

No? Okay.

So put me down for it. You got it? Three spaces.

Just write it down.

Take it to the boss who's in charge back there in the kitchen.

He knows what I'm talking about.

I think maybe because you're a woman you don't understand.

I'll get it for you.

All right.

Can I help you?

Listen, sir, uh, this woman that you had there,

I don't, uh, you know, the problem with women on the phone

is that sometimes they don't understand when men are talking like us.

That was a male speaking.

Would you like to order something?

I keep asking for three spaces,

and this woman you have on the phone, sir, is not able to understand my order.

What would you like to order, sir?

Three spaces.

Three spaces?

Of fish and chips.

Three serves of fish and chips, sir?

No, spaces.

I know exactly what I'm saying.

I'm speaking the President's English.

Spaces.

So what would you like to order?

Three spaces of goddamn fish and chips.

So where are you ringing from?

Can I start off with your name?

This is Valente.

How do I spell that?

V-A-G-I-N-E.

Goodbye.

Bye.

All right, finally somebody fell for that.

Breaking news here, Milkman.

Yes, sir.

Whoa, that is loud.

Still got to fix that.

We got in Lahore, Pakistan.

Pakistan, we've got the Hotel Melrose, and let's give them a call.

I was going to wear a little song.

I've been loving this.

Lahore

what kind of name

of a place is that

Lahore

I'm from Lahore

yeah your mom's Lahore

oh man

that's not the place

I want to live in

looking for some

uh

appropriate music here to play

let's see

I don't like this one

yes

hey man

I'll be

I'm probably gonna be

taking off

so

oh yeah

y'all have a good

bye chicken

Tuckermike.com

Bye monkey

Tuckermike.com

That's Tuck

Bye

Don't insult me

Dot com

Don't insult me

Bye Tuck

That's Tuck everybody

Visit his website

Subscribe to his podcast

Tuck is a dick

Seriously

Everyone go suck Tuck's dick

Dot com

You can have some finger in his ass

When you suck his dick

Hey stupid

How you doing

Hey stupid asshole

Is this Pakistan

This is Pakistan

How are you

You son of a bitch

I'm gonna put pork in your food

And watch your mom

When she takes a shower

Hello

Yeah, I like to watch your mom when she takes a shower.

Hello?

Yeah, I like to watch your mother when she takes a shower.

Your mother takes a shower?

No, your mother takes a shower, and I like to watch her when she takes a shower in the bathroom.

You're a very stupid person.

Yeah, I am.

That's true because I'm American, but I still like to watch your mother while she takes a shower.

Very stupid person.

I have no idea how much it costs to call Pakistan.

All right, we've got another one here.

Here it is, Islamabad in guest house.

They're in Islamabad, Pakistan.

One of our allies in a war on terror.

Yeah, right.

Okay, thanks.

Allies with allies like that, who needs enemies?

The cost of this call is nine cents per minute.

Who cares?

I got money for days, though.

Is this the guest house?

Hello, bastard.

I just want to let you know that I like to watch your mother when she takes a shower in the bathroom.

Hello?

Yeah, I like to watch your mother when she takes a shower in the bathroom.

This is Valente.

This is Valente from the United States of America.

And I want to let you know that I watch your mother when she's taking a shower.

When she's bathing in the bathroom, I watch her.

You have mother?

Listen.

Yes.

Listen.

Do you have the Quran in the toilet?

You call another number?

No.

No, I talk to you, monkey.

What's that noise?

What's going on?

What's that noise?

You are speaking, I don't understand.

Donkey monkey, bitch.

You are big bitch.

I'm not bitch.

You're bitch.

You are big bitch.

Very big bitch, huh?

You're Muslim bitch.

Islam bitch.

The fuck was that?

You hear that in the background, dude?

They're like, hello.

Holy shit, that's the place I want to live.

Wow.

Fucking beautiful country there.

Wow.

Hear that?

Where's DTT?

Let's get him to translate.

Jeez.

It was kill the infidel.

Jesus.

I wonder if they ever caught DTT, man.

Those people from all those hotels and shit.

He screwed up.

Yeah, DTT, that fucker.

He was involved in that whole flim-flam, man.

Phone losers?

What was it?

Phone losers?

Or what was it?

Ah, phone gays.

Phone fags.

Is it prayer time now?

Looks like it is.

You're right, Brandon.

I think it is, man.

Cost of this call is nine cents per minute.

That's my favorite, um, heathen song.

Songs.

It is stupid.

This guy's not answering again.

What a bastard.

We'll try to call the one in Lahore, Pakistan again.

Again, the Hotel Melrose Inn in Pakistan.

Lahore.

The cost of this call is nine cents per minute.

Stupid donkey, how are you?

Hey, donkey.

Listen.

Listen, donkey, I want to make a reservation.

Yes, sir.

I don't want...

Single, double.

Single, well...

Two men, one bed.

One bed, double room.

No, no, no.

One bed for two men at the same time.

We're going to sleep in the same bed together.

I have a double room for them.

No, no, no.

One bed, single room for two men together.

Room is total double.

No, we're only going to have one bed for two men and we're going to sleep together.

Single person for single or two person for double?

No, no, no.

Room is all double.

No, but I want to have, I'm going to have sex with him.

It's sexual relations.

So we're going to have one bed only.

Your relation is?

No, sexual.

Sexual relations with a man in your bed.

What's your name?

Valente from America, United States.

America, you are so stupid, man.

No, I'm going to have sex with another man in the hotel.

No, no, you are so stupid, man.

American is so stupid, man.

Don't say that because we can hurt you bad.

Backus can't go to hell.

Burden in hell.

You think I'd get killed over there if I admitted to that?

That I wanted to have sex with a man in the hotel?

Probably.

he was so

stupid

am I really

then again

the cost of this

call is

nine cents

per minute

I want an

ice cream cone

with female

shitting in it

hey monkey

no no no

I command you

to in the name

of the United

States

no room is

available

no there is

if you're lying

to me we're

going to attack

asshole

no room is

available

available all right cool let's call poland we're gonna attack we got numbers here from poland

ecotech marilek jolenec hotel jesus christ ecotech melonek holonek in poland the cost of this call

we're gonna attack per minute as you heard him say i'm american i'm stupid very nice of him to say

what a nice guy hey stupid how are you yeah is this poland hey asshole i heard you had a submarine

and he had a screen door on

and I drowned it.

One second, please.

Okay.

Looking like racist

Polack jokes.

Hello, asshole.

Hey, listen.

I want to make a reservation.

Fucking reservation,

asshole.

Hotel.

We got the Hotel Green City

there in Pakistan also.

And we had a comment

here in the chat.

What's that?

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh.

DTT came in the chat

and made a comment.

DTT?

He's a different

screen name, yeah.

I'm Muslim.

That last call was offensive.

Oh, wow.

Too bad.

What did I hear?

That's funny.

How'd they get a place to song again for, man?

The cost of this call is nine cents per minute.

Too bad, asshole.

You're British is what you are.

You're on BT Central Plus.

If you're Muslim, you're a chicken donkey.

Hello.

Is this the stupid hotel?

Hello.

As-salamu alaykum.

Hey, go fuck yourself, asshole.

I want a hotel room.

room? Yes, I want a hotel room for two men, one bed. No, two men, one bed. In one bed

only. No, no, no. We're going to have sex together. So you put us in the same bed. Only

charges for one bed. We're going to make love in the bed. I'm going to kiss a man in the

the bed? 600. 600 what? One man, 600, two men, 1,000. No, no, no, no, no. We're going

to sleep in the same bed together. He's my boyfriend. He's my husband. Huh? Yes. We're

coming from America. I'm going to touch his penis. Yes. Is that okay? Okay. You take your

pants off too? Poor man. That's it. Okay, good. Whatever. They don't get the concept

The concept of two men in one bed.

I'm like, what?

No, wait a minute.

You can't do that.

That's not right.

God will go mad and kill us.

If he don't kill you, God will kill you.

We're going to attack.

DTT.

Yay, DTT.

Yay.

DTT is in the house, everybody.

DTT, coincidentally enough, is in training right now in Pakistan.

Golden Apple Hotel in Russia.

Tim Hogue is working again.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

of that. I love our listeners.

Hey, stupid, how are you?

Hello. Good afternoon.

Is this Russia? Is this the Soviet Union?

It is Russia, but...

No, no, no, listen, I'm trying to call the Soviet Union.

No, it is the hotel

Golden Apple.

Uh-huh, and the Soviet Union.

I don't understand you.

Excuse me, could you repeat, please?

Yes, I need to speak to the Soviet Union

hotel. Could you hold the line, please?

Okay, dummy.

U.S.S.R., try that.

U.S.S.R., no, they call it CCCP.

No.

Here, guess.

Golden Apple is available online.

Book your rooms directly on our website, goldenapple.ru.

Get the best trade and save your time.

It is convenient and safe.

Book rooms on goldenapple.ru.

Get right on that.

Book a room.

Good morning, how may I help you?

Yes, hello, is this the Soviet Union?

This is Russia, yes.

No, shut up, asshole.

Shut up, this is Soviet Union.

You bastard chicken donkey

I want to make a reservation

I only speak to men on the phone

This is the United States of America

I understood

Let me connect you with the reservation

No, asshole

I'm making a complaint first

What complaint?

What kind of a complaint?

Because you people don't have computers there

Yes, of course

I have a computer

No, you don't

It's the Soviet Union

You people are so backwards

That you don't have technology

And what would you like then, sir?

If I don't have a computer?

I want you to get a computer

So you can people can take care of my problems

problems right now of course i will take care about your problems sir what would you like i

want you to write down an apology what kind of apology sir for not having a computer i see i see

i think you need to speak with someone else sir no no i need to speak to you i want you to explain

how you people lost of course that we beat you in the cold war right huh i see i think you need

to speak with someone else sir what do you call the cold war what do you call that buddy i see

Goodbye, sir.

Fucking asshole.

Hey, listen, Gormy.

Don't get lippy.

Hey, listen, Yeltsin.

All right, have we got any more members in Russia we can call?

Any more of these backwards people?

Here's another hostile in Russia we didn't call.

All right, cool.

Godzilla's hostile in Russia.

Let's call them, ask them about the good old days in the Soviet Union.

Back when they wanted to kill us.

Seriously, listen.

How's that Iron Curtain now, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it's all rusted.

Oak Bend is 3 o'clock in the morning

it's getting late

say goodbye we're leaving

do it now

I hope you enjoyed this latest installment

of the Madhouse

38.6 the mouth

Thanksgiving extravaganza

especial

we do want to let you all know

that yes even though you are turkeys

we love you

we do this every week for you

that's right we drop the darn

We only ask that you just bring the time.

I'd like to thank everybody that showed up tonight.

Kokanee, Lifey, Lonesome Loser, our numbers hit man extraordinaire.

Yay!

Yes, thank you, Lonesome Loser.

Hail and hi to the Lonesome Loser.

We had the dead in there, MST3 Clay, Brendan, DTT.

We had quite a turnout tonight and other people that showed up.

L-E-V-E, Maven.

That's right, Justin.

X-Line Flat.

Everybody that showed up, we'd like to thank you all.

And hope you enjoyed our turkey special.

And least of all, but not least, Mr. Tug.

That's right, Tug Knight.

That's right, my good friend and pal and buddy.

I'd like to thank you all.

So please, please, everybody, join our Facebook page, Madhouse Live.

Jack Masterson, he has a page.

Your favorite character is Jack Valente.

He has a page.

And, of course, your old buddy, the milkman.

And be looking for Eddie Garcia.

And we've got some great things coming up for you.

Some new things cooking.

The manhouse militia will be activated very soon.

Mano is going to take this next call.

Thank you.

The cost of this call is two minutes.

Once again, late number from Los Angeles.

I figured I'd call it.

Hello, woman, is this the Soviet Union?

Excuse me, could you...

I want to speak to this stupid Polish.

Which, uh, your surname, please, sir?

Uh, hey.

Who exactly?

This is Valente, and I want to talk about that submarine you guys had.

Who would you like to speak exactly?

Which department?

The head manager in charge.

Manager in charge, and your surname, please?

This is Valente, goddammit.

Mr. Valente.

You want to spell it?

Food manager.

Immediately.

All right.

Right now.

Do it.

All right, I'm transferring you.

Okay, baby.

My sexy.

Polish women are hot, dude.

They're not.

Yeah, they are.

You kiss a Polish woman, ma'am, and she gets pregnant.

You know what I mean?

Excuse me?

I kissed a Polish woman once and she got pregnant just by kissing her.

I don't know.

She's a whore.

How can I help you, sir?

She's a whore.

Polish woman once.

I kissed her and she got pregnant.

I didn't even put it in her.

Hello?

Do you hear me?

What's the big deal with you talking in the background and talking the other language?

Excuse me, I don't understand you.

I kissed a girl and she got pregnant.

She's a Polak, Polish Polak, Pole.

Who is Polish?

Some broad that I had kissed.

I don't understand you, sir.

This is Polish chick from Illinois, all right?

Her name is the dead.

And I kissed her and she got pregnant.

I just had a little sex with her and she got pregnant immediately, stupid bitch.

He's a stupid bitch. He's just Polish. Thank you. Hey, man

Do you know about the submarine with the with the screen door in it?

She hung up already. Fuck it. Cool. Who was what was the place that yeah, let's call this call this on my bed in guest house

Real quick. I know I said I was ending the show milkman, but let's call this place. That's alright, dude

They gotta call me a stupid asshole or whatever stupid bitch

Call them then once you have Eddie Garcia, man

Well, I guess you got everybody, right?

We thank Lonesome Loser, everyone, for listening.

Thank you, Milkman.

That's right.

Yeah, we got everybody.

Almost done.

I was going to thank Carlito, our Generalissimo of the Madhouse.

That's right, our fearless leader.

Carlo, Carlito, please tell everybody about the upcoming Madhouse Militia

if you're ready to release this.

No, I'm not.

We'll catch everybody.

No, I'm kidding.

10-4.

No, no, no, that's cool.

No, no, the Madhouse Bulletin I've always talked about.

I'm starting to get that ready here.

I've always asked for some help.

Right now what I really need help with is, dude, we need to get some episodes edited.

If you think you could take a crack at editing some Madhouse audio,

I got them all uploaded now, right, Milkman?

I told you about that.

I showed you.

I uploaded the unedited audio.

We've already got two people that are interested in volunteering.

Well, yeah, anybody out there, if you think you want to take a stab at it,

get with me on one of the

messengers or send me an email. Go to the website

madhouselive.com. There's other

options there on how to do so.

If you know how to do some editing,

like Audacity kind of shit,

let me know.

I'll get with me and we can get you

access to our unedited audio

from now on. So you'll always have

Madhouse. You don't even have to wait for the podcast

update. You can go in there right now and listen to all the shows

that we haven't even updated.

If you listen to this on the podcast,

eventually hopefully this will get edited into the podcast but yeah i'm looking for help editing

some audio because i'm behind by 13 episodes 14 episodes at this point something like that 13 14

and i just don't have the time to edit all those prank calls and audio and the podcast is suffering

as a matter of fact and it's the only thing that's keeping us behind from a complete 100

relaunch of the site the podcasts are up and all that the feeds are all fixed but we need to get

get some new content on there so i need help catching up so i don't mind taking over after

it's catched up but at this point we're way behind so i don't know it's a mountain of death

anyway you go whatever you love the show and you want something do something for the show man

uh we always remember people to help and take care of us and so please contact us man get with

us right here uh you got you can get ahold of milkman you can get ahold of carlito right please let

Let us know, and we'll definitely be glad to have your services.

Right, that's right.

And then just to mention again, well, not to mention again, but to say,

I'm just about done with the final selections for a new Madhouse Radio prank call CD.

So that's going to be called How Much Are Your Spaces?

How Much Are Your Spaces?

We're going to have to get audio.

It's probably going to be a download-only one,

so I'm not even going to have to do any album art for it.

But anyway, that's what's going to happen.

so look out for that new downloadable

prank call CD

visit the website

any aspiring artists out there

people that work on webpages as well

anybody like that with any talent

please we'd be happy to talk to you

contact us

and check out Milkman in the Facebook page

he's running

goodbye everybody

Jack Malente, Jack Masterson, Madhouse Live

Milkman, all your friends right there

on Facebook

see you guys, thank you Milkman

And thank you, Coconin.

Germano.

Fart.

Toasted Mashed Potato Sandwich – Thanksgiving ’09 Show

Calls (37, 2 h 4 min of 2 h 56 min)

Transcript

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