The Rivers in Volgergrad are Cold in the Spring

I-M-A-G-A-Y?

Yes.

I-M-A-G-A-Y, yes.

Okay.

Well, what's wrong with you?

Huh?

You drunk or you took drugs or what?

You calling here talking shit?

Hey, don't talk to me like that.

Idiot.

Listen, woman.

Stop calling here, idiot.

I'm sorry.

Who the fuck is this?

Fuck, who is this?

You are listening to Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Damn it.

Hello, everybody.

God damn it.

Carlito here.

Milkman here.

Tuck here.

Coconut here.

Madhouse here.

Yay.

Fucking sound effects.

Still way too loud.

I said about the damn sound effects around here, everybody.

A little too much energy for me, man.

Just no.

No.

Too much energy.

It's Madhouse Radio.

We're back.

This has become a bi-weekly affair.

Every paycheck is when I call.

I call every time I get a paycheck.

You guys better hope my next job pays weekly.

No, no.

We got to do that Tuesday switch.

I'm just saying that the earlier that I do it, the better it is.

I keep stalling.

I've been busy.

but it's finals week

next week

so

no no no

listen asshole

shut up

listen

listen motherfucker

god damn you

listen

next week is finals week

I take some finals

motherfucker

and after the finals

I'm free for like

three or four weeks

catching shit up

people have been working

helping us out

with the fucking

catching up

the podcast

that should be

I think we got

two episodes

and two hot shits

in the chamber right now

I think we got milkman

I'm quite excited about that

oh man that is

yeah

Yeah, we got two hot shits.

My militia is coming together.

Yeah.

The feeds are all fixed.

The website is all fixed up.

I want to direct everybody's attention to the website

and direct your attention to the, you know, when you go to the website,

I want everyone to go there right now if you get a chance

and click on the section for the, you know, the podcast.

We're supposed to subscribe here.

Subscribe to the podcast here.

It's right in the middle of the page, the Madhouse Live webpage.

You got to be there right now.

I'm presuming you're there.

And subscribe to one or both of our feeds

If you don't know what a podcast is

Just find out

So just click on the links

And you'll figure it out in the process

It's fucking easy

It's fucking great

You can catch up

Because what I'm doing man

Is we're putting all prank calls in one feed

Just prank calls

I called it the prank cast

Nothing but prank calls

And then the other one is going to be

The shows

That's the madhouse

The madcast

And that is shows of Madhouse Radio

So one for pranks

And one for the shows

with the pranks that we do live.

It's like you're listening now.

I cut out all the music and the long pauses.

I cut out a lot of Milkman and a lot of Tuck

because I don't like them.

Milkman is an asshole.

He's a stupid, drunk asshole is what he was.

I'm all Tuck's fault.

And that damn old bastard Milkman,

he's been listening to Nunu.

True that.

All right, Milkman, I trust you're going to be

on top of the Facebook page tonight, right?

I'm going to be sending you updates

instead over there, all right?

Pay attention.

Yes, sir.

Good.

Milkman ruined Facebook.

Ruined Facebook.

I need some information here

I'm a little confused

I understand this is a movie

I'm so out of the loop

I understand this is a fucking movie

With people who are blue

And they're supposed to get an Oscar

What is this about?

Does it come out?

Isn't it premiering tonight or something?

What's this place in Titanic?

I have no clue what you're talking about

Oh come on man

The one, James Cameron

You knew James Cameron

Titanic, did a bunch of other stuff

I already did another water movie

With blue people

It's a blue people movie.

Yeah.

The blue people movie is fucking crazy, everybody.

Avatars.

Yeah, you know, you got to be, if you're Puerto Rican, you got to add, you got to make everything plural, like Gladiator.

Every Puerto Rican that I know, a lot of, let's just say a lot of Puerto Ricans that I know, the movie isn't called Gladiator, it's called Gladiators.

You know, you got to put an S at the end.

I don't know why.

You know

They got their moms

Their pops

Their homies

Yeah

So

Avatars

Everybody

I'm really interested

About this movie

I heard it's blue people

And it's better than Titanic

And everyone fucking saw Titanic

Titanic took over

The fucking world

They had this fucking ship

They cut it up in pieces

And they put shit

From the ship

They took out from the bottom

And they had it in Orlando

And this fucking

This fucking place

You could go see it

In this museum shit

And it cost more than

in fucking Disney. And people were going.

There was lines outside the doors.

Yeah, that's crazy. There's going to be an avatar

museum and everything one day. They're going to bring up

the wreck of the avatars.

It's going to happen, bro.

I'm telling you. Watch out.

It's the biggest fucking thing since ever.

Yeah, what is it that Clark Griswold does?

Someone find me that line.

You know when Clark Griswold

was speaking, we were in a Christmas spirit here. Remember when Clark Griswold

got so pissed off when

when his fucking boss got him that shitty-ass Book of the Month Club

instead of the fucking pool money,

and he wrote the check.

He was going to bounce a check for, like...

He did a Christmas vacation.

Yeah, he wrote a check for the pool.

Yeah, Chevy Chase writes a book, a check for a pool for, like, several thousand dollars

because he figures the bonus is going to cover it,

and for the bonus, he finally gets it on Christmas Eve night,

and it's a prescription to, like, the Jelly of the Month Club or something,

and he went crazy.

He had a panic attack from his family.

started drinking eggnog and he was like it's gonna be the best fucking christmas this fucking

jimmy do a little dance with fucking he has his whole fucking thing he goes off on the boss

because i wish that i'd tell him it was such a mother of youtube the clip is there yeah someone

sent me a link to it because i want to watch it right now send us a link so we can play it right

now i'm gonna put it on the video feed and everything fuckers bring it uh bring it on

it's the breakdown where crock griswold just breaks down he he had enough look man i feel

like that sometimes you know christmas vacation i don't know the year any of you are looking for

any last minute gift ideas for me i have one i like frank shirley my boss right here tonight

i want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on melody lane with all the other rich

people i want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head and i want to look him straight

in the eye and i want to tell him what a cheap lying no good rotten four flushing lowlife snake

snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant,

blood-picking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless,

heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped,

worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is.

Hallelujah.

Holy shit.

Where's the Tylenol?

I feel that way sometimes, Milkman.

I just lose it.

I start choking my balls right there in the middle of traffic.

And I've talked about this on air before,

and you people think I'm joking.

But I swear to God, I have taken something in my balls

and started just choking them right out of anger.

Out of pure anger, Milkman.

In the middle of traffic.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that's how angry I am.

Them bastards, how dare they?

They took my balls off.

I was like, we've got to find Christmas music.

You've got to raise your frequencies, brother.

Yeah, so, Tuck, you always do a bunch of queer stuff for the holidays.

What do you got planned for Christmas?

What are you going to write and doodle over there?

Hey, can you doodle like a sexy Mrs. Santa?

Like a young Mrs. Santa Claus?

You've got like a high time thing going on there, Mano.

know yeah you ever seen you ever seen the girls when you ever seen the pictures of the girls that

um you know sexy girls and they dress up like santa claus isn't that weird to be attracted to

that because they're dressing up like a man it's like they're in drag it's like tranny claus

that was on the office tonight well porn is a strange space my brother yeah but hey here's

an idea i was thinking uh athena let me in on the joke she was watching the office uh tonight's

episode and apparently a woman was dressed as santa claus and she he got upset and he was

calling her tranny claus and it was very funny and i thought it was funny so i thought we should

we should call like some places to have santa claus and accuse him of having a woman you know

who's trying to dress like a man and we're ripping off the office yeah well okay well no we're just

using the fucking idea i sold the office in a prank call about it we're going to accuse him

I'm having a tranny.

A woman dressed like a man

trying to be Santa Claus.

Dude, I've got the proof.

I've got the proof.

I'm going to say I have proof.

Hi, I'm Tranny Claus.

Tranny Claus.

I'm going to say Tranny Claus

that flashed me.

Hi.

And had a vagina.

Got anal cancer and died.

Santa Claus has a vagina.

God, that's creepy.

Stop it, asshole.

Don't do that shit around me.

Anyway.

Christmas music is on.

How are y'all getting it?

Santa Claus.

We got Nisga'a Liquors.

Nisga'a Liquors is in New York, New York.

Magoon's Taxi,

also known as the Goonie Comedy Club and Restaurant.

They're taxis and a comedy club.

That's very responsible, folks,

because if you're drinking too much of the comedy club

and the taxi machine is right there...

Mr. Rogers.

Yeah, I know, dude.

Mr. Rogers is the fucking, you know...

Yeah, here in Orlando, they got a communications building,

and I've been thinking about pushing them to name the communications building

the Fred Rogers building here at one of the universities.

I just thought it would be funny to start it as a joke,

but I got a feeling it would probably take flight.

I think I could get them to change the name of the communications building to the Fred.

What was Fred Rogers' middle initial?

Wasn't it like Fred R. Rogers?

fucker we talked to um mr mcfeely once you remember that we have a number for mr mcfeely

yeah lonesome look for that mr mr mcfeely we called him once on the air it was too late and

he said he said to call him back the next week because it was too late in the day to call him

or whatever he was sleeping i kept saying speedy delivery down hey we've got a number somewhere

or it's easily obtainable i think lonesome keeps a log dude yeah but to find it i don't know

No, hunting it down and finding it is, I mean, the best we get is a date.

Well, yeah, there is tape of it.

I'm thinking 2007, 2007, 2006, perhaps.

2007, more than likely.

That's old, dude.

Yeah.

Okay, we got the Cafe Maritime.

Ivers.

The black and white years, definitely.

Yeah, of Madhouse, the black, dark years, the PCR days and all that bullshit.

Ivar's Acres of Clams.

A foreign-sounding woman answered it.

Ivar's Acres of Clams.

Everybody, Acres of Clams.

Um, I think that's a nice, good, you know, every prank called the first one, I'm not afraid to admit, is a throwaway.

That's fine.

That's how we do stuff.

Give me just a moment, the first prank of the night.

I do remember this now.

He is correctly, McFeely is his middle name.

McFeely's his middle name.

Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers.

Fred McFeely Rogers.

That reminds me, that is exactly right.

That's why, that's why he put McFeely as the character in the show.

It can't be.

You're out of your mind.

That's fucking, if it is, if I get a confirmation on that.

That's right

Because his grandfather was McFeely

Fred McFeely Rogers

So his grandfather's name was McFeely Rogers?

Right

McFeely Rogers

Wow, that doesn't sound Irish at all

McFeely Rogers

That's funny

There's nothing wrong, he's just funny

1800s Irish are funny

Because they're like the Mexicans of the

Of the current time

Yeah, Puerto Ricans are funny

Because they're funny as well.

White people are funny, too.

They talk funny.

They smell funny.

They smell like wet potatoes when it rains.

They do.

That's what white people...

Milkman, you're Asian, right?

You know white people smell.

Because Asian people smell, too.

Asian people smell like Asian...

They smell like the F-Noodle.

There he goes.

Don't be talking to your shit, man.

I'm the only Amish black man you know out there.

Amish blacks.

Seriously, let's get the pranks.

I'm going to call...

Let me get the Google voice set up here.

We're going to do a few prank calls.

We'll do stuff right back.

Everyone shut up

Thank you

That'll be my name tonight

McFeely

I'm with Chester McFeely

Remember that

I'm using that all night

Chester

Hey it's Chester

What's going on big girl

Listen woman

I need you to start

Writing down names

And I need

The ID

The badge numbers

Of all the people

Over there

Who insulted me

And my son

And refused to help us

Get my

My Doberman

My pet Doberman

Pinscher

Out of the tree

What?

The dog is hurt

There are bills to pay now, and I'm suing all of you, individually and the company itself.

So I want to have all your papers ready, and we're going to, we're going to, no.

Okay.

What's your name?

Are you the manager?

No.

Is there a man I can speak to?

Is that your secret one?

Is it a man or a woman?

It's a man.

You sure about this?

Because if you put a woman on, I'm going to write you down, and I'm going to include you in the suit.

Okay?

This is understood?

I'm a hand.

Stupid fucking mirror.

How do you spell that?

Listen, I need to get your papers because my vehicle was damaged and my dog is hurt as a result of your negligence and your refusal to help me out.

Well, I'm pressing civil charges against you and your staff and your company, sir, for refusing to help me out when my dog was out in the parking lot.

The outside area, the vehicles are, the spaces.

Where are your spaces at, sir?

How many spaces do you have?

You have no spaces there?

That's ridiculous.

How am I supposed to get down there in the car machine then?

how convenient that you now

what do you really call them

do you call them space

tell me the truth

asshole I'm calling them back

get down like that around here

people hanging up the phone

fucking Vizine fucking guy

listen I don't play that game

people hanging up the phone on me

put him back on the phone right now

who the fuck do you think he is

Mr. McFeely

listen what happened

We must have connected.

You must have disconnected the call.

I'm sorry, because my phone's still on.

I have a landline, eh?

Great.

What kind of phone do you have?

Huh?

I'm throwing you in a cordless phone.

Is that the problem?

Something that I can help you with.

I'm registering a complaint for negligence, sir, and I want your name right now, because you're in charge over there.

You can contact our corporate office tomorrow.

What is your name?

I command you to give me your name, and you're under obligation.

The license is on your wall when you come into the store that you're obligated to have posted,

and are registered through your business,

you're obligated to give me this information.

What is your name?

You're liable.

Sir, you can contact our corporate office tomorrow.

Who's in charge over there?

Is there a man I can speak to?

Manager on duty.

Yes, I am.

But you're female.

Perhaps you can put a man on the line.

No, I'm not female, sir.

Well, you act like one.

You're afraid like one.

You're hiding behind your company.

You're such a yes man.

The company's going to help me.

The company's going to protect me.

You can call them tomorrow.

Thank you.

Take care.

You're in big trouble, sir.

Big trouble.

Remind me to tell him a little later that he's in big trouble.

I don't know.

Fuck that.

He's in big trouble, mister.

Mister asshole.

What did I say to him anyway?

What was that whole argument about?

And we get to the point where I don't even remember what we're arguing about.

Call number one.

Devin Newell played Mr. McFeely.

Guy lives in Philly.

No, Pittsburgh.

An old guy answered, he says.

A conversation with Mr. McFeely, why Fred Rogers is such an asshole.

Sometimes it can be a total asshole.

Nah, we're having fun with Fred.

Man, Fred Rogers, ass-awesome dude.

There's a fucked-up story.

He was a badass sniper in Vietnam, man.

I'm not kidding you.

Oops.

No, there he is.

Anybody who calls that is not a friend of the Madhouse.

Only enemy of Madhouse will call that number.

Someone who wants to ruin the fun around here will call that number.

I was listening to a show the other day where Da Dead was talking about this girl he had the hots for.

He was a receptionist at some doctor's office.

I wonder whatever happened to that chick.

I hope she's okay.

He's in the chat, man.

Hey, good friend.

That's DaDead, everybody.

DaDead.net.

DaDead.

Dot net.

Nizga Likas.

Nizga Likas is where a Latina woman answered a little bit ago, about 30 minutes ago.

So she'd still be there, you know, blocking.

That's what we used to call it.

I worked at a liquor store we used to call blocking.

This time of night, blocking.

Two bottles up front, right?

Huh?

Listen.

Hello?

Listen.

Woman.

Yes.

I went down there to get vodka, and the vodka's all the way pushed in the back.

Why?

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hello?

Listen, what did she say I am?

A what?

A pendejo?

I'm sorry?

Then I know what a pendejo is.

I know what that means.

No, no, no, sir, she's talking to me.

No, it's nothing about you.

Oh, I think she's calling me bad words in the back.

No, no, no, no.

Listen.

Listen, woman.

I went down there to get vodka, and it's pushed all the way in the back.

Why? Damn it.

I'm sorry, say it again?

Why are your bottles pushed all the way to the back and not two in the front in each row?

You got to block it. Why not?

What do you mean?

I went down there, it's a big mess, the bottles all the way in the back,

and I had to reach back and get the business, the fucking bottles all the way in the back of the thing.

Okay, so what happened then?

You make me stretch, huh?

I make you stretch?

You make me have to go back there and reach back there in that dirty shit, dirty place.

You have to ask, you know, you have to ask.

For what?

For health.

But your hands are clean or dirty?

Well, what's wrong with you?

Huh?

You drunk or you took drugs or what?

You calling here talking shit?

Hey, don't talk to me like that.

Idiot.

Listen, woman.

Stop calling here, idiot.

I'm sorry.

I tried to say I'm sorry,

as if I'd keep her on.

What's up with the balls?

Wow.

I'll call her back.

What was her name?

I'm going to call her Rodriguez.

Idiot.

This is Doña Rodriguez.

Yes, listen, Rodriguez, why do you hang up the phone?

Okay, please, please, please, I'm Betty B.C.

Listen, shut up, shut up, stupid.

She's Betty, Betty B.C., so we're going to leave her alone.

We'll call her back later.

Milkman, you've got to remind me of these.

Remember that one there that I just called and remind me a little bit to call back.

Nizaga.

It's a more refried beans, a very busy.

Nizga Lickers.

All right.

All right, a number just came in for Bunny's Liquor Store.

A Mexican guy answered there.

Let's talk to them.

Fuck yeah, Mexican guy.

No one can run a liquor store like a Mexican guy.

That's got to be a crappy-ass liquor store.

Tequila and bad beer.

Listen, don't give me that shit, okay?

Fuck you, punk.

Listen.

We'll call him back.

That was a good response.

I love that.

Listen, you got your papers, boy?

Your mammy, boy?

Good.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Book around.

They probably won't answer.

sir. My experiences will not be an answered

call. Those are really stupid.

Nope. Either that or you just hung it up quickly.

Here's a hostel. Remember we were talking about hostels

last time? There's hostels in

Russia. Oh, yeah. What did we do with hostels?

We did something with a few hostels or something.

What was the deal with the hostels recently?

They got pretty hostile, actually.

Did they really? I don't remember this show.

This is the last show we did two weeks ago.

Didn't we get into some argument with some foreigners?

The bathroom. Something about a bathroom.

We did a show two weeks ago.

Yeah, you were asking about the bathroom.

What's it like to go to the bathroom and stuff like that?

Can people watch?

And can you watch other people's stuff?

Wasn't it?

I remember you talking to Mr. Ryan.

Yes, that's right.

Our Ukraine guy, and he actually cut a promo for you.

Oh, he did?

That was, no.

Hey, here's one, though.

No, yes, I do remember.

Didn't I invent the potato sandwich or something?

I drank a bottle of wine on the air.

You may have.

Yeah.

You may not have.

I don't know.

It was Thanksgiving night.

Hot potato sandwich.

Hot, yeah, it was a toasted mashed potato sandwich.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I remember now.

Thanksgiving night.

Yeah, but we called somewhere.

Oh, yes, there was that French guy.

Remember the French guy that kept calling him monkey?

Yeah, the Frenchie.

Yeah.

Oh, what was that guy's name?

He was good.

He was good, that guy.

I've got it in the archiver.

Hang on, I'll tell you.

I think I've got that all marked up.

Let me go to the archive.

Madhouse Machine.

Yeah, dude.

dude. We should call that guy back.

I probably got his number here. Frenchie Frog

is a monkey is what I wrote down. I forgot his name.

What was it? Ivan? Gustav?

Something? I gotta put it in the background here.

I gotta let that episode buffer first.

We'll see. Maybe I can figure it out.

Well, we can call back. I gotta remember the

number somehow. Let me look at that.

Maybe Lonesome remembers, too. That was

a good one. Let me go back to that date.

Thanksgiving night. Hotel

Melrose. Fat Burger.

No. Hungry Possum's

Pizza? No.

It was in France, wasn't it?

Paris.

That's where it was.

It was in Paris.

Yes.

It was Paris.

It was in France.

It was a hotel.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

The Hotel Napoleon.

I kept saying Napoleon.

Yeah, I remember now.

Hotel Napoleon.

All right.

Let's see if we can find the guy.

If anybody remembers, shout it out to us over here.

I'm going in blind.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

I didn't mean that it was Bruno.

I told him I saw a movie about a gay guy with the same name.

Swa.

Speaker.

That's beautiful.

Hey, look, buddy.

I need to speak to Bruno.

Bruno.

This is Bruno.

Oh, so what time can I find Bruno?

After 9 o'clock.

How many hours?

I don't do your stupid math, your stupid France math, and your stupid fucking time.

So tell me how many hours from now I can call Bruno, you fucking cocksucker.

Yes, you know what?

Five minutes.

In five minutes?

Okay, in five minutes.

Hey, listen, asshole.

All right, five minutes, everybody.

five minutes away

from Bruno

we're nowhere near

five minutes to an hour

what an asshole

that little fucking liar

we're as far away

as we could be

1103 right now

isn't it

1104

he said he's starting

in four hours

I think he was

fucking with you

yeah yeah

five minutes

to an hour

from now

five minutes

to an hour

from now

I don't know

I don't care

that's alright

we'll get his name

and call him back

in a little bit

he doesn't sound

he's not hostile

hostile we'll go back to that later and we've called numbers in iran remember we're prank

calling iran recently that's a whole bunch of arguments made them look up vagina on the computer

so like a juvenile all right we got a place called fatty hacker sports club let me go back to the

topic take care of magoon's taxi also known as a comedy club and restaurant we gave the whole

speech about how good it is that you can you know get drunk and get driven on your taxi machine

Let's talk about that phone

Talk to him.

Fucking shit. What's the deal with the fucking

ride not coming and fucking picking me up all the time,

eh? Eh? Waiting on this

goddamn taxi machine. Christ,

we're waiting here for the goddamn stupid

taxi machine and nothing else is picking me up.

God damn it. God damn it.

What's the deal with the fucking taxi machine not coming and fucking

picking me up like it's supposed to?

I'm in a taxi company, this is a restaurant.

No, I didn't say a company, I said a taxi machine, you ass.

You understand taxi machine?

Nope, I don't.

The fucking space is...

Can you enlighten me?

Listen, you get in a taxi machine,

you see your destination, you're like,

inside of it the whole time.

People take shits in the back of the taxi,

people take a piss in the back of the taxi,

people have sex in the back of the taxi,

people get naked in the back of the taxi,

people have germs in the back,

people bring like a turkey in the back of the taxi,

the turkey juice dripping, everything.

Everything, people bring a bag of ice, put it on top of that, take it home, drink the ice, get sick, and they put it in their coke and all that.

People bring vegetables, they bring the vegetable, you bring a watermelon, you just put it right on the fucking seat, just like that.

You know what it's going to touch.

Things get inside.

You know that show, I was watching that fucking show, Mythbusters, they were talking about how, you know, it's fucking bullshit about that rule about the seconds.

It's fucking bullshit.

That is not fucking real.

You put something on the floor and it's fucking dirty.

It's fucked up, not even a second.

I was waiting for him to hang up.

up it's harder to hang with those guys man they're a comedy club tell you what i remember once on

zolar show we called a comedy club in who the fuck was it in australia me zolar and uh who's

the guy remember there's a guy used to call in and say ejaculations all the time who the fuck

was that that fucking guy oh yeah who the fuck was that what lego gunan gunan charles gunan yeah

we got him with charles gunan oh that fucking idiot yeah yeah dude we had some funny pranks

me and Charles Gooden

got along

we did a few pranks

on Solar Show together

we did some dumb shit

we called the Soulful

restaurant once

I think

it was really funny

and we did the

the fucking

comedy club

in Australia

and we were just

making really stupid

nonsense jokes

and saying like

it was American humor

like we're the best

comedians in America

and the lady's like

obviously yeah

you are American

this is totally

she's like

you know

you know the whole story

Borat has

Borat on this

TV show Borat

he said this thing

where he was trying

trying to say a joke and it was about a chair that had legs and it was walking down the street like

it's the most funny joke ever and that's the joke i was saying so basically i was like i was like

look i have you know i'm a good stand-up comedian i'm gonna give you an example it's like there was

a chair man and it was going down the street with these legs i was walking that's fucking funny i

was in the eddie garcia voice thing i'm i'm uh i'm rambling rambling nonsensically even let's

put some different music whoa and fuck you yeah yeah and fuck and tuck as a fuck i got you there

what is this fucking guy right there it's on my laptop but that's uh yeah that's the fucking guy

right yeah yeah yeah bruno was the guy's name according to the notes i have here so okay good

i really would like to call that guy back but i think he doesn't come in until like really late

new news says i should call and said that i've been waiting at the airport for two weeks that's

It's pretty funny.

Apparently, yeah, I got into a fight with my wife at the airport,

and I started shaking her, and she went to the hospital,

and I was running from the cops.

I was trying to get to the hotel.

Yeah.

And my wife, I got into a fight with my wife because she's, yes,

thank you very much.

Someone has to explain it to me.

I got into a fight with my wife because she failed to book the reservations

that they didn't have.

Shut up.

What's with the laughing over there when people call on the phone?

I was calling earlier, and this girl was laughing her ass off

like she's on drugs or drinking or something.

Who's this?

This is Valenta, and I want to get an explanation

of why people answer the phone there like they're having, you know,

oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like that.

It's a bar. We're having fun.

You're having fun, but you're drinking there.

You're not supposed to do that.

You'd lose your license.

I'm going to get your license to pull.

Nobody's drinking behind the bar here.

Let me talk to that young woman there

who's having a good time so much answering the phone.

Go ahead, honey. Go ahead and put her on, honey. Thank you.

This is Reagan, and I'm the manager, and we're all having fun.

Okay, well, this is Valente, and I'm calling from, you know, the licenses.

So, why don't you give me, you know, a man that I can speak with?

A man? Well, I'm the manager, so you got me.

No, but there's, I'm sure there's another, like, a man, a male, like a gentleman that...

He's got a bar back.

Huh?

If you need to talk to anybody about business, it's me you talk to.

No, any man will do. I just, I don't normally talk business with women.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. You can come up here and talk to somebody if you'd like.

No, no, no, no, I can't. No, I'm going to talk to, you know, a man on the phone right now.

Why do you want to talk to a man?

There's nobody here you can talk to, as in my bar back.

No, but it's a man, you know, it's serious business about a problem that we have with you,

with your company there, you know, your organization, whatever you want to call it.

Like an office number?

No, no, a dispute that I have, but I don't want to make a report to a subordinate.

Well, I'm the manager.

But you're a woman, though.

I'm the one that makes the reports.

But you're a female, you're a woman.

Yes, I am.

So, you know, I'd rather speak to the highest ranking male.

There is no high-strength email. I'm hit.

Are there any men that work there?

Yeah, they're barbacks, but...

Yeah, that's who I need to talk to. Put the one barback on the line.

What do you need to talk to him about?

Because he's late on his papers over here.

It's a little... I mean, that's his whole thing. I can't send any speech to the man. Go ahead.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Put the barback on the phone. Go ahead, honey.

Dammit, I want to talk to the barback.

It's a barback, anyway.

What's the difference between a barback and a barkeep?

Whatever. Is there a difference?

explain

someone look it up

thank you

did we find video yet

of the Clark W. Griswold

bar back is the guy

who gets ice

in the bottles

and the bar keep

is basically

bartender

there you

that's how I

do

oh I wanted to mention here

a great thing

that I found

we talked in the

in the past

I talked about in the past

when this came on

when Discovery Channel

had the

when we left the earth

which was that

documentary series

about

I think it was like five or six episodes about NASA,

from the first man in space to current,

with the current space station and the space shuttle program and the Hubble.

Anyway, it's free.

You can actually now download it legally for free at Amazon.com.

If you go and if you look it up,

and then you use promo code BLASTOFF, all caps.

I don't think it matters if it's caps or not,

but if you do promo code BLASTOFF, you can get it for free.

What is this exactly?

It's like a documentary video thing.

Yeah, Discovery made this really awesome documentary.

It has great music in it, too.

I think the music won an award.

I think it was nominated for an Emmy Award.

I don't think it won it, though.

It was a very good soundtrack, original soundtrack.

Yeah, it's called, like, The NASA Missions, When We Left the Earth.

And it's by Discovery, the Discovery Channel.

And it's out on DVD, of course, but you can download a copy of it.

Well, you can actually watch it in your browser also.

You can just stream it.

You can stream it and it's your copy to keep if you want to download it.

And it's promo code BLASTOFF at Amazon.com.

I'll try to get a link.

Maybe I'll post it if I remember to in a chat room for anybody who's interested.

Like I said, hey, at most you can watch it for free in your browser right there.

And you can enjoy it.

It's pretty cool.

If you like topics of that nature, space, and exploration, I don't know, whatever.

Play any song.

You're not going to have dialogue, huh?

Yeah, you know dialogue.

You've got to do something about that, man.

There's not much of a delay tonight, right?

Not at all.

It's quite amazing.

You are sounding pretty good, Mr. Tuck.

Congratulations, Tuck.

This is very amazing.

It's not supposed to be some fucking secret, so okay.

Not even I was told about this.

I found out.

You got muffled up.

What did you say you were doing?

Working out?

I found out from a secret.

You're working out, Tuck.

You're sounding pretty good over there, man.

Yeah.

Someone told me, Tuck, and I was waiting for you to not.

You didn't want to tell me.

You didn't want to be honest with me and tell me what happened.

Okay.

Let's see who my real friends are.

I just wanted to break it on the air.

All right.

Alright, you want to break it now?

Should I make a big fucking deal?

Everybody, talk is coming out of the closet right now.

We just did.

I go to sex parties.

I go to underground sex parties.

There you go.

Sex with gay old men.

Tuck likes to lay down and get ejaculated on everybody by old men.

I said it.

So what is it?

Is it DSL or is it cable broadband?

What do you got?

DSL.

Oh, good.

No, it's DSL.

Oh, cool.

Look at that.

Well, that's cool.

They're expanding that copper, huh?

Awesome.

Got a co-location area.

1.5.

Not bad.

Upload speed.

What's your upload?

Like 285?

200?

Megabytes, yeah.

Yeah, 200K.

It's not bad.

It's about standard.

Where I work, we do that.

We got the low, the DSL, the first level is 1.5 down, and we have a 3 megs down in some areas.

I'll tell you what, it's a whole lot better than what I had.

God, the dial-up, you don't have to wait the worldwide wait.

A YouTube video literally would take, okay, two seconds.

Right.

Wait maybe three or four minutes.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

50 more seconds.

Oh, my God.

So tell me, so, I mean, explain to everybody.

I mean, you're not cheap.

Tuck isn't a cheap guy.

He's an heir to a fucking plantation fortune.

But you're living in the middle of a plantation in the middle of nowhere, right?

I don't know about the fortune part, but we grow cotton out in the rural area.

In the rural area, okay, back in the woods, back in the bush or whatever,

and no, there was nothing but dial up there until then.

On the cotton field in Tennessee.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, if I wanted to suck out money money, I could get satellite.

Well, satellite, it's not worth it.

No, it's not even worth it, though.

You would get not even what you're getting now, and it'd be still a pain.

It's got to be lined perfectly when it rains.

You can't use it.

No, you don't want that.

No, sir.

The problem is with you that the further away you are from where it's coming from is the slower it's going to be.

So I'm presuming you must not be that far away.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty cool.

That's the case.

I don't know how they're doing it out there.

That's awesome how it's spreading out finally.

We're starting to get that footprint more and more.

The nearest port is about five miles away now.

Yeah, they're talking about rolling out fiber here where I live.

They're talking about rolling fiber out here where I live, and I'm quite excited about it.

That would be really nice if we could get fiber out here pretty soon.

Yeah, 21st Century is here.

What's that, Fios?

I have Skype. You can Skype me. You can video phone me.

Wow.

Phone and all that.

Hey, Tuck, you can start doing shows now that you don't have to worry about.

I can stream the porn on the porn tube.

Yeah, man.

I get to download BitTorrent movies.

Right, right.

And TV shows.

There's a lot out there.

There's your X-Tube.

You got your PornTube.

Yeah, that's awesome.

I don't know what else.

You got a truck driving by.

Was that you or was that Hermano?

What?

I heard a truck driving by.

Truck driving by?

That's probably me.

I wish I could soundproof these windows.

I looked into it.

It's way fucking expensive.

I'm trying to make up for it with the...

You've got to take that directional mic and point it away from the windows.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

It's pointing...

I'll move myself a little bit.

Dude, we've been bullshitting it for too long.

Let's do some more prank calls here, okay?

Let's call the lickers again.

Licker, sticker, and flicker.

You got to call back that beater lady here in a little bit,

the one that was making refried beans.

That's what I'm calling them, the lickers, damn it.

I don't know what to call it.

What's the matter with you?

Listen, lickers, right?

The lickers that has dirty stuff all over the place?

Excuse me?

The lickers that has dirty, the dirty liquor store?

Do you think so?

Huh?

Do you think so?

Do you call me for bother me?

Don't bother me

Because this liquor store is very very busy

And everybody likes the liquor store

Thank you very much and bye bye

Nice

Everybody likes the liquor store

Yeah

It's very very good

It's very good

Everybody likes the liquor store

You got that everybody

It's very good

Everybody likes the liquor store

Did we call that Acres of Clams

We called that right

Here's the Cafe Maritime

time in San Francisco where a French guy answered the phone. Talk about France, everybody. I'll

tell you what. Goddamn France. Goddamn France. Goddamn France, huh? Everything I try to get,

nothing but goat cheese. Not a shred of good regular American cheese, no type of regular

food over here at all. It's just fucking bullshit. Okay. Who's this? This is Valente. Oh, okay.

Listen. Hello. Asshole. I'm sorry? Listen, you were talking to me, weren't you, you little

little jerk, you little shit. Who is this? This is Valenta, I said. I gotta say my name

twice. What's your problem? I'm sorry. What's your name? What's your name? Mark. What would

you like, sir? What do they call you Mark for? Yeah, asshole, listen. I went down there

and someone made damage when I put my car into spaces. What's that? Your spaces over

there jerk off. They're not safe. What are you talking about? Your fucking spaces, asshole.

They made damage on me. On me and my person. What's your last name? I don't know what you're

talking about my friend your last name don't call me friend don't get familiar with me sir don't get

fresh come back and explain don't get fresh try to get that kid in security again got his name too

chucky what was his fucking name listen why don't you put uh the manager on the line please this is

he this is the manager can you put a man on the phone please hey what do you need pal listen i'm

gonna make a complaint against you well you got your papers because i want a copy then because

Because of the damages you people made.

What are you talking about?

You're negligent, sir.

You made damage against my vehicle.

Your spaces aren't safe.

What are you talking about?

We don't even have spaces, my friend.

What did I tell you about being fresh and using those words on me?

Don't you talk to me.

Don't you be talking and getting fresh with me.

Don't be touching on my person.

Are you a joke?

Who are you?

You're fucking getting a little familiar with me.

I don't appreciate that.

Hey, cut the profanity.

I'm not cussing, sir.

You're the one using the fresh language.

which, goddammit, I have a right to defend myself, goddammit!

Who is this?

This is Valente, third time!

I don't know who the hell you are.

Can you just put someone else on the phone?

Put someone else with some sense?

No.

A fucking person who doesn't breathe with their mouth.

Anybody.

No, why don't you just go have a good evening, okay?

Why don't you have a good evening there, okay?

Third time.

Yes, ma'am, could I get your last name, please?

Mark, I mean, I got your first name.

Just give me the last name so I can at least start the paperwork.

I'm filing paperwork against you

and I want you

I got your first name

I want your last name

and I need the insurance information

because I'm making a claim against you

and you're obligated to give me insurance information

when there's been an accident

no I'm not

yes you are sir

for what reason

then listen

for what reason

listen to me god damn it

I'm going to come down there

and the papers you have on your wall

your licenses

I'm going to pull them all

and I have the right to do it

because you're in violation

yes you are

In violation of what?

Of refusing, you're negligent and you're refusing to give me your information.

Negligent of about what?

Public information, sir.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, it's the only information I can get tomorrow morning.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I can pay $20 downtown and get all this information through the state legally.

So either you give it to me now or I'm going to be upset.

I'm going to be upset.

You don't have to be a jerk-off.

You give me the information now.

No, no, you're not entitled to it.

I command you to give me the tax ID number right now.

Well, you do that, okay?

You do that.

Listen, don't be a jerk.

I'll send my word down there.

Go ahead.

Send them.

Please do.

What's your social security number?

It's none of your business.

Give me the first number.

No.

Is it five?

Hey, don't call back.

It's four.

Do me a favor.

Don't call back, okay?

Four.

My first one is four.

What's yours?

You guys are hoot.

All right, everybody.

That was...

What is it we were calling?

Captain Maritime.

Corey.

Corey, yes.

Call Corey Fitman.

Corey Fitman.

Maven here.

Hey, big Maven.

How you doing, girl?

What's up, Maven?

Okay, the next number is Yabby's Coastal Kitchen.

Still in San Francisco here, apparently.

Hey, stop, please, okay?

I don't care.

I don't care what you have to say, what your deals are, the specials.

I don't care.

I don't need that information.

Why are you talking so much?

Why are you talking so much when I call?

Why do you have to say so much stuff?

I don't need to know all that shit.

Really, I don't.

I'm trying to mix it up.

Hang on.

Let me call her back.

I kind of screwed that up.

I'm in a weird mood tonight, and I'm just being a little goofy, and I just want to be rude.

And there, that could have been saved had I not you said shit.

Really, right?

I could have probably kept going with that had I not said shit.

I'm off my A game tonight.

Fine, we're on mode.

It's okay.

Can't all be winners?

I have time for me to go make a sandwich.

Who knew?

Fucker, I'm going to call her back, too.

I'm going to call everybody back tonight.

We're calling Russia, everybody.

The Godzilla's hostile in Russia.

And I hung up the phone on an accident.

Three cents per minute.

Three cents per minute, bitch.

What's with all that noise over there in the phone when I pick up the phone?

Yeah, what's with all the stupid noise?

What do you mean, sup?

Are you being rude?

What's your name?

Olga Dimitri or something?

What's your name?

No, my name is Galina.

How can I help you?

You know that means chicken.

Did you know that?

Sorry?

It means chicken.

Your name means chicken where I come from, Puerto Rico.

Listen, are there monkeys in charge over there?

What's going on in the background?

Sure.

Listen, I'm at the airport.

I made reservations to come here to the USSR, to the Soviet Union.

Okay?

and my shuttle hasn't come to pick me up yet at the airport,

and I'm quite upset, so I want answers,

and I want to know when the bus is going to be here to pick me up at the airport.

It is cold, and there's African Americans around, I think.

So you made reservations for a taxi to pick you up, right?

You made reservations for the taxi, young lady.

So you're waiting for a taxi.

But there's no taxi here, you understand?

Yes, I'm very sorry.

I will just want to pick you up, very sorry.

Alright, may I ask your name again, because I have the taxi list.

This is Vagina. Vagina is my name. Vagina.

Check in today.

No, yeah, absolutely. I have reservation for spaces, yes.

See the reservation. Who is it done for?

Vagina Jones.

For your name?

Yes, Vagina Jones.

You gotta do something. Come on, really. Get my ride here. Pick me up.

I'll figure out when I get there, dude. Really, it's cold.

How cold? Does it always get cold like this?

I do not see the reservation for your...

Then you have a mistake in your...

Well, using your computer, do you have a computer there?

Yes, I have the computer.

How old is it, like a bad, stupid computer?

Because you're from Russia, where things are backwards here, right?

No, I don't think so.

It's a stupid computer, so we're stupid people.

There's big keys on it because you're stupid, yes?

Excuse me?

I said you're stupid, you understand?

You are stupid.

I don't see the reservation for you, sir.

Look it up under stupid.

Stupid. Do you know how to spell stupid?

I'm looking in the computer, sir, but I do not find any reservation for your name.

Let me speak to a man, please. A man at once. An American-speaking man.

I think he's not yet here.

Let me see. I don't like to speak to women. Is there a man I can speak to? You can put him on, please.

Call him back.

No, no, no, no. Connect me now. Please, please. I'll give you a dollar. American dollar. If you do it.

When I get there, I'm going to give you five American...

If you call back in five minutes, put him through to you, okay?

Do it now.

Is it possible?

No.

Is it possible if you call back?

No, I don't wait.

No.

Blah.

Okay, I wait.

I wait.

Okay, fine.

Call back, please.

When?

Five minutes.

I'm calling back.

You got it.

Bye.

Shut up.

God, it's fucking boring.

Five minutes from now, I'm supposed to call her back.

Try to remind me of that.

I forget who I'm going to ask for.

More numbers.

Hotel Metropole.

Hello, call back Bruno.

It's been five minutes.

In Estonia, five minutes to Bruno.

Okay, that's right.

He did say five minutes.

It's been more than five minutes.

But here we go.

The Hotel Napoleon in Paris, France.

Yay!

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Is that the right number?

Yeah I kind of blanked out there for a little bit

but sorry about that.

I'm getting a little tired, you know?

No, I was thinking about it there,

but I was like, man, that guy is like, man,

they must be afeard because they know your caller ID.

They're afeard, Milkman.

Good point.

All right, let's call this Malaysia bitch.

I swear I am afeard.

I swear, I swear.

This number is not available for call return.

I swear, I swear.

Goodbye.

You took my potato chip.

Did you see that on Saturday Night Live?

Wasn't that the craziest fucking shit?

Yes, I saw the, uh, I didn't see what's on it live, but someone sent me a link to it.

It's funny that I think that NASA really is like that, probably.

Oh, God.

And he spit up the potato chips and fucking put them back in the thing.

That's fucking sick.

Sick people.

Well, he was asked for it back, and he eventually did.

I don't even know what we're talking about, Milkman.

Don't tell him when it is, Tuck.

I don't want him to know.

Don't send him a link either, anybody.

The cost of this call is free.

First, keep Milkman out of the loop on purpose.

Milkman's got dial-up, ha-ha.

Milkman's got dial-up.

Milkman has a Gateway computer.

You know that?

Milkman has a Gateway 2000.

Gateway 2000.

Cassette tapes.

Saves hours.

Programs with cassette tapes.

What's with this people cut?

Hello?

Yes, hello, stupid.

I was wondering why I took so many rings for you to pick up the phone.

I'm so sorry.

I'm busy at the moment.

Well, maybe you should...

Listen.

You got some kind of problem you don't want to take my business?

I mean, what's going on here?

I don't know.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Uh-huh.

You're sorry.

Listen.

Is that just you?

Well, listen.

Sorry?

I have a problem, okay?

I was ironing my clothes, and my clothes are burnt.

I want you to give me money for my clothes.

Can you repeat?

Yes, I was ironing my clothing.

What how?

I put an iron on my clothing to get the wrinkles out of it.

Do you understand what that is, stupid?

Stop saying stupid.

Who was the idiot that was in the bathroom talking to you last week?

I didn't even understand her.

Yeah, remember?

She was in the bathroom.

I don't know.

Something like, something like oriental, like lady or something.

Listen, listen, shut up.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Hello?

Listen, what's your name?

Okay, Rose, listen.

I was ironing my clothes and they got burnt with your iron.

Yeah, so I want you to give me money for new clothing.

What's your room number?

That's not, that's not important.

Well, I know, all I know is I want money from you for my clothes.

Iron?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

And I want you to give me my money for my clothing now.

What's your room number?

104.

Coming from the room?

104.

She was a lady, Thailand lady.

I forget what I'm calling, dude.

The Lobster Man Homirus Americanus.

What the fuck place is this?

The Lobster Man Homirus Americanus.

Listen.

Hello.

Listen, you jerk.

What's your name?

Fatty.

What's your name?

F-A-T-T-R-I-D.

What's your problem, sir?

Anything I can help you, sir?

Yes, I need money.

You need money?

Yes, because you people burnt my clothing.

Exactly, yes.

Yes, and I was using an iron on my television clothing and my t-shirts, and they got burnt.

All of them burnt, big marks, marks from the iron on them.

You understand?

I just want to know what they're getting you for, then.

I want the money back.

I want my money for my clothes that got burnt by the iron.

Name, sir?

This is Valente.

Valente, do you know what I'm saying?

This is Valente Vagina.

Yes, I'm in room 1104.

1104?

Yes.

No peace in Valente?

So, I'm sending you an idea.

Call Rush as a spy.

Say the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

I'm going to ask if they have the dossier and ask if they are a red fox.

Good idea.

What's that next?

Calling Russia back.

That one Russia lady likes you too, man.

Yeah?

But I wonder how much a minute this shit is.

It's pretty high.

You know milk, man?

You know nothing, milkman.

You know nothing.

There's very little infrastructure down there.

Malaysia.

Hello, Mr. Blackberry.

Listen, I heard there's like no infrastructure down here, right?

Like if people drink out of the toilet?

We don't have your record.

Yeah, so yeah, I know it's the right hotel and I want the money.

Send it in an envelope.

I want you to send $300 to room 1104 right now, right away, or I will have your job.

And I will not pay for the stay unless you give me $300 right now for my shirts, right now.

1104?

Yes, right now.

You send this right here, right now.

You send me the money right now.

No, because if you check 1104, there's no guest name under Valente.

I'm telling you, my name is Valente, goddammit.

I don't care what your computer has over there, you little monkey.

You come down and give me my money for my shirt so I got burnt by your iron.

Do it now.

You come right now?

Yes, this is the right hotel.

You come down right here right now and you talk to me in person and you bring a checkbook for $300 right now.

Are you coming or no?

Woman.

This is the random room I call.

I don't care what it is.

Yes, come to my room, 1104, right now and discuss this with me and we're going to handle this.

You come here right now.

1104?

Yes, come here right now.

What's your name?

Listen, fuddy.

I expect you here. How long are you going to take you to get here?

Five minutes? I gave you five minutes.

If you're not here five minutes, I'm going to make you give me more money than $300, okay?

Find the record.

Come over here and figure it out. We'll find the record together.

10-0-4?

Yes.

Don't have your name.

I don't care what name you have me under.

You have a mistake in your computer. It's flawed.

Mistaken computer?

Yes, your computer's mistaken.

A piece of shit.

You understand shit?

No, I don't understand shit.

You don't know what shit is?

Scat?

Okay.

Okay, the lobsterman hummer is Americanas.

That's who we're going to call.

That's just, uh...

No.

We can't call the Russians from last week.

Shut up with that sneezing.

Hey, listen, what's with all the people sneezing over there?

There's an echo on the phone.

Stupid asshole phone.

Yeah, your phone is an asshole.

It's an asshole.

No, no, no.

Your telephone is a shit.

No, shit.

Telephone.

Shit. Say shit.

Shit. No, I'm not saying you can buy it.

Shit. No, shit.

No, shit.

Telephone shit. Yeah, this is telephone shit.

Yeah, I want some shit.

How much are your spaces?

You gotta hang up the phone now? Why?

Is there an American I can talk to?

You don't need to buy now?

That's good stuff. I got some genuine

snake oil here, man.

It's good. You rub it on your cock and everything.

It makes your cock bigger. It makes it give your balls

always better your sperm. Gives you big sperm. Listen, I'll give this to you here for four

AC payments of $39.99. Two bottles of the snake oil and one of the applicators even

and I'll even, I'll throw in a box of diabetes lancets. Yeah, you got diabetes? What's the

number, stupid? Give me the stupid number. Hang on. Damn it. Hey! Shit. Call him back.

hang up on me cost of this call is three cents per minute listen you little shit what happened

what no no no put him on the phone right now okay how do you dial that from america

how do you call it from the united states of america yeah go fuck yourself right anyway so

i found out that i think google voice will let me do it now okay okay hey what i get a request

This is a request for a Russia call here, and you're looking for Red Fox.

This number is not available for call return.

What the fuck is call return?

What the fuck?

I'm trying to call return.

No, no, but you sound like an asshole whoever a call return is.

Yeah, whoever a call return is, you can go kiss my ass.

I wish I knew how to dial that number.

That's the manager's house, and I think that would be great.

If that word's busy, then it'll automatically ring on your telephone once it frees up.

Call return, maybe that's what it's trying to do.

Perhaps, good point.

Good man, smart guy.

Let me look at how many digits that is.

They gave me 0, 1, 2...

Oh, we don't get tired.

Pardon me.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

And if I called it the way Lonesome had it set up,

it was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Yeah, I think I see how I can do it.

No, this is easy.

I just got to add 0, 1, 1, 6 to the beginning of it, apparently,

and that should work.

Let's give that a shot.

I didn't get the name, though.

So, presuming I understood it right, as well, it's connecting.

The cost of this call is four cents per minute.

Well, it's somebody.

What's four cents per minute?

All of Malacca's.

Hey, listen, you Malacca.

Who is this?

Pardon?

Who the fuck is this, huh?

Who are you?

This is Valente.

You understand?

Where's my shit?

Are you the manager?

According from?

I'm from the United States of America, and I have a complaint against your lobster man,

Homerus Americanus.

Yes.

Are you the manager or the owner?

Yes, major.

Are you the manager?

Huh?

Yes.

Listen, I called over there and these people got fresh on the phone with me.

They stole my wallet and they made damage to my car machine.

Who stole your wallet?

The person that works there stole my wallet.

Who?

The guy with the shoes and the hair.

The guy with?

Shoes and hair.

Yeah, they stole my wallet and he works there.

I want the money back right now.

I want you to give me $300 right now.

When?

Listen, don't let me go down there in a Suzuki fucking samurai fucking ninja bike and fucking do some damage to you.

You understand?

I will hurt you.

I will bring you down.

I will bring down a rain of terror around your house and your neighborhood.

I will make you wish you were never born, you son of a bitch.

Where's my $300?

No, you are calling from when?

I don't understand what your situation now.

I'm calling from Chicago in the United States of America.

We are in Malaysia right now.

I know.

I want you to give me $300 United States dollars for you to buy my snake oil.

So you are in Malaysia or what?

I'm in America, stupid.

I'm in Chicago.

You are in Chicago and you say we in Malaysia stole your wallet?

Well, no, I made that up so you give me money, but now I'm going to force it out of you.

You gave me $300.

Why don't you give me your money?

No, no, I'm calling you to get the money out of you.

No, no, no, you are in Malaysia or what?

No, I'm in America.

You are in Malaysia or what?

United States.

You are in America and you say we stole your wallet?

Yes, I want money from you.

Because I just want your money because I'm a rude person.

I'm American.

I call people and I tell them to give me money.

And you report to the police?

No, no, no.

No, you report to the police.

You don't want me to get the police involved in this, because there'll be trouble for you.

Then?

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand your situation.

You are in Chicago, and you say, want me to give you 300 US dollars.

Yes.

For?

Because I lost my wallet.

When?

Today.

Today, stupid.

Listen, are you a woman or a man?

No, hello.

Are you a woman or a man?

Today, in where?

In Chicago.

In Chicago, you lost your wallet.

Well, I'm going to sue you if you don't want the money right now.

You threw me.

It was a Malaysian.

Yeah, they hung up.

I can't believe she stayed on that long.

She was getting a coffee, boy.

That was funny.

Your money.

The cost of this call is four cents per minute.

Four dollars a minute?

Four cents a minute.

Still.

Listen, if you don't stop it, and if you don't get serious with me,

you're going to be in big trouble with me and the United States of America,

and there could be a big problem.

No, no, no.

You go and report to the United States.

No, listen.

You're saying you lost your wallet in Chicago, but you claimed it in Malaysia?

No, because it's a Malaysian man who stole my wallet.

Who is the Malaysian man?

His name is...

I don't know.

He's got some stupid Malaysian name.

And he stole my wallet, so...

Shiro.

I don't know who is Shiro.

I know, but this...

And how do you get my number?

The embassy gave it to me.

The embassy gave it to them?

Yes.

You tell the embassy.

Oh, no.

You're already involved.

You sent me this money.

No, no.

We're going to bring you to the...

I stole your wallet?

I'm going to sue you.

I stole your wallet?

No.

No, a Malaysian man stole my wallet, so now you pay.

Every Malaysian loves me?

Well, yeah, you're down here on the list that you're the person that you get sued.

Hey, I'm not a prime minister of Malaysia or what.

I'm just a manager of a restaurant.

So, you claim me for what?

You come to Malaysia and claim me if you can.

You come and sue me.

No, no, no, no.

No, please, you come and sue me.

I'm a senator.

You understand what a senator is?

I sue you.

I have power.

I can make things happen.

People disappear.

Okay, you come, you come.

I'll wait for you, please.

Where's my $300?

You have the...

You send me my...

You have the...

Anything, you can come.

I welcome you.

I'm going to go down.

I'm going to...

Do you have a toilet there?

Listen, do you have a toilet there?

Do you have toilets in Malaysia?

No, no.

Do you use a toilet or do you go outside?

Do you...

Are you talking to the right person?

Do you make a toilet outside or inside the house?

Are you talking to a right person?

Yeah, I'm talking to the asshole manager of the restaurant.

And?

Well, I'm saying, if you...

I don't understand why he says it about me.

Answer me the question.

Why is it related to me?

Do you have a toilet?

Why is it related to me?

Because I need to know...

Why is it related to me?

Please answer my question.

It's part of the case.

The case?

The case against you.

Why me?

Why me, please?

You have to answer about the toilet first.

No, you tell me first about if you have a toilet or not,

and then I'll tell you the truth.

Go and see your police or something.

Listen, listen, listen.

No.

Listen, I'm going to use your toilet.

I'm going to make a...

Damn it, I'm going to give her a story about the toilet.

Ah!

A turkey club sandwich coming your way, baby.

Half a Subway sandwich.

The cost of this call is four cents per minute.

Could be if a Malaysian guy called you from Malaysia saying an American stole their wallet.

And they wanted you to send him $300.

Voicemail.

I want a voicemail for the lady.

She's calling the Malaysian police right now.

Her number from the embassy.

I always have an answer up my ass.

Security.

He needs security.

Give it to me.

Alright that ain't working

What was that one we called

Orlando Bell

No no no

Miami Bell

Yeah

From Miami Bell

You can kill your upper ass

Yeah

No those

We actually said

It was Bell South

And Embark

I was actually saying

I was with Bell South

The funny

The brilliant shit about that is

Well you don't

What a lot of people

Don't realize

We call those

That old black lady

She gets

She gets into an argument

With me a fight

And as I'm explaining

You know

As she's

Disconnected something on accident

Disconnected myself

Can't hear myself talking

Anyway so as she's hanging up on me

Ted and I start laughing

We're still on the line

And she picks the phone right back up

She doesn't realize that we're still on the line

And then she hits like

Star 6 7 or whatever to trace the call

So I come in and I'm smart

And I'm like

This is Bell South

And she's like

Like, yes, I was being called in here.

You know, so I'm like, all right, I'm going to do a trace.

And I make a big fart on the phone.

That's the trace, apparently.

And then I ask her, no, that failed.

Are you sure you put the carrot all the way in the ass?

And she finally realized, she's so stupid, she finally realized she doesn't have a Bell South guy.

And it happened twice in a row.

The second time I told her I was with Embark.

As a matter of fact, didn't Ted call back as the line technician?

Yeah, Ted got in there.

He was Bob, the line operator.

He was monitoring the line.

Yeah, he was monitoring the line, and he dropped it.

He did a trace, or he cut into the call.

He said, normally we charge 50 cents for the trace or whatever, but I'm going to do it.

He got pissed off.

Yeah.

I'm going to do it for free this time, but normally we charge for a trace.

He's like, okay.

What are those calls called?

What are they called?

I forgot.

Stool sample.

Aid office.

Stool sample.

What was the name of the office?

Stool sample calls.

The stool sample calls.

That's what they are.

Hang on.

The husband's name was Adolphus something.

Adolphus Cotton.

He talked to Reclude and got really mad at Reclude the week before.

He's the big black gun.

He's like, I got a big black gun.

He was the black snake.

Yeah, no, he was the whole, I got a big black gun.

It was because Reclude started off, he said that he was funnier than KDK

and any voice that KDK could do, rather.

He said that any voice that KDK could do, Reclude said he could do it better, apparently.

He said he could do a prank call.

So he was doing it all night, and he called her as Jill Rosenthal or whatever,

Ed Rosenthal, whatever the hell it is.

Yeah, and that's how it started.

Anyway, I'm going to play a little bit of the stool sample calls.

Since we're talking about it, I'm going to make a sandwich real quick,

come back, we'll do some more prank calls and call it a night.

Give me about six minutes, please.

Stool sample sandwich.

Yes.

Come back and do that USSR call.

I mean, who?

No, I'm just saying, yeah, Dr. Nargis told me to give him a call with these instructions.

But his doctor is not Dr. whoever you say it.

It's the specialist, ma'am.

His physician forwarded the information on to Dr. Nargis and made the determination of what was going on.

He just wanted to give him a therapy plan.

He needs to practice at home.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

Hurry it up.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

I'm sorry.

I lost my temper.

Did you have a pen and paper?

Who are you talking to?

I'm trying to leave a message for the instructions for the therapy plan he needs to practice.

Yes, but someone said hurry it up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Quality assurance thing.

And we have something that you're supposed to, for the quality of your service, just blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I'm ready.

Breakfast as much fiber as possible, preferably oatmeal and greens.

What kind of greens do you make, if any?

All.

Do you like collards?

Cabbage, collards, string beans, the works.

Collards and turnip greens and spinach greens.

Yeah, I do all of those.

Okay.

Broccoli, the works.

And he needs to eat as many oranges as possible.

Okay.

Okay, now what this is going to do is it's going to be like a natural colonic for his system.

Okay, now he needs to collect a stool sample after every bowel movement.

Got it.

So do you have the instructions there for the stool sample collection?

Do I have any?

Did his doctor give him any?

Well, I'm not certain, so I'm making sure.

I mean, if he didn't mention it to you, perhaps I should.

No, he hasn't mentioned this to me or that someone would be calling.

That's just not natural that he wouldn't mention this.

That's why I'm asking all of these questions because he never said anything about it.

He just needs to collect a stool sample after every bowel movement, and it's very simple.

He's supposed to have carrots.

Do you have any carrots there now?

Yes.

Get them.

The long kind, not the baby carrots.

The long ones, please.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Basically, all he does, after he has a bowel movement, he's going to take a carrot and

shove it up as far up into his asshole as possible and then put it in a bag and write

the date on the bag.

You got that?

Hello?

Did you get that?

No.

Maybe you need to do that.

Well, that's his responsibility, not mine.

No, it's my responsibility to tell you to do that because this call is not a natural

call so you can just go to hell.

Ma'am, don't speak to me like that please.

I'm a professional.

Well, you don't sound it.

I'm a licensed male nurse.

Yes, okay.

I believe it, too.

Well, I mean, I'm a smart person, and I command a bit of respect in this society.

Excuse me?

I command a bit of respect.

Well, I command a bit also, and I say that you can go to hell.

Now, did you hear that?

Did you hear that commandment?

Do you know?

Do you hell go to hell?

Do you know what the Bible says about Jesus?

Can you hear me?

Do you listen to Jesus?

Do you listen to him?

I sure am.

No, you don't.

Dr. Nargis is a beautiful Catholic.

Good for him.

And I am ordained through the body and blood of Christ to give you these instructions.

Good for him.

About the stool sample, ma'am.

So I expect you wrote them down because there's going to be a quiz at the end of this conversation.

Go to hell.

Yes.

Did you write all that down?

Did I write all what down?

all the instructions yeah and i had this call trace also how do you have a trace come on

excuse me did you turn on your tracing machine well tell me this what is it that you want what

kind of nutcase are you i'm giving you important instructions you know what i don't want your

important instructions i do not want them so you take your instructions and give it to somebody else

Okay, ma'am.

Or cram them up your behalf.

Do you want to know the truth?

No, I do not, because you can't even tell me anything that's true.

I'm telling you, I'm after you.

Goodbye, asshole.

I'm...

Ma'am.

Oh, man.

I was going to tell her the truth.

You're as funny as hell, dude.

That's what they told me.

That's what I did.

That's a good number.

Phone company.

Go ahead.

Hello?

Yes, this is the phone company.

How may I help you?

Someone has called here.

This is the second time, saying stupid things.

And I was told to dial to have the call traced.

Okay, just one moment.

I'm going to go ahead and trace that now.

Can you hold, please?

Yes, I will.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, that's coming back negative, ma'am.

Did you insert the carrot all the way up into the anus and then extract it?

Go to hell.

Love you, lady.

I love you.

You are one son of a bitch.

Excuse me, identify yourselves.

I'm tapping into the line.

Go to hell.

Excuse me, this is Bubba Johnson.

I'm the operator.

What the f*** is going on on this line right here?

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

F*** you! F*** you! F***ing Taylor Swift!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Hello?

Good evening. This is Bubba from...

Yeah.

I was just breaking in on the line there.

I won't charge you for the break.

Normally it's 50 cents when we trace a call and break in on the call.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm taking notes here.

I noticed that you received about three calls this evening from a number.

What is it?

So what is the content of the calls?

What was going on?

The person asked to speak to my husband, and he said he was a male nurse,

and he wanted to give instructions to him.

He heard some doctor or something told him to call because he is...

Please slow down.

I'm sorry.

Can you slow down?

I'm typing the same thing.

All right, you said it was a male nurse.

Yes.

You called your husband, and then what did you tell your husband?

And you are from where now?

I'm a line technician.

Okay.

And the person said that they needed to give him some doctor's instructions

about what is it that he could do so that his pressure would go down, and they gave him.

All right, his what, blood pressure?

Yes.

Okay.

And I said, I'm sorry, but I know about this.

I haven't heard him say anything about this.

And he continued and gave me instructions.

And on the end, he said, now, do you have a carrot?

Do you know about collecting a stool sample?

I said, what kind of stool sample?

And he said, well, you need.

This sounds like kid stuff.

This sounds like kids pulling a joke on me.

Well, it wasn't a kid.

I mean, I'm, it wasn't a kid, this was an adult, a crazy adult, and he said, take a carrot and stick it all the way up his ass.

His what?

You heard what I, huh?

I can't write that, though.

Well, that's what they say.

You said you from back.

I'm just going to put down, I can't say harassing, but what would you call it?

I call it harassing.

Harassing, okay.

That's what I call it.

You said you were a technician, a line technician?

Yeah, I've got to take notes because they're going to trace it back to who called you,

and we're going to send somebody out to his house tomorrow.

Okay.

And this is not the first time.

Okay, now hold on, hold on, hold on.

I've got this filled in.

Okay, so what was you going to say before I cut you off?

I'm sorry.

I was going to tell you that this is not the first time.

It happened about a month ago also.

And I did, I was able to apprehend a couple of numbers, and I called the phone company,

and I was given, I was told to dial this stuff, and they would trace the call.

I understand that.

All right.

Okay, what I need you to do, and I can finish up with you here.

All right, I got all the notes down, got your phone number.

Now, how many calls did you say it was, three?

Mm-hmm.

Because three, you know, three is the limit.

What do you mean three is the limit?

Oh, if someone calls you more than three times, then it's considered, you know, somebody can do something about that.

Oh, okay.

Well, why did the...

No, okay.

When I dialed, excuse me, let me tell you this.

When I dialed the star, I was told to call an number, 1-800, and that I could do that at business hours.

And I never knew that you was going to come into, inject and come into on the land.

Yeah, I can, I can.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'm just making sure that you got.

Now, next time this happens.

Okay, so next time it happens, if he calls back.

Mm-hmm.

What I need you to do with your phone.

Okay, I need you to dial the following sequence of numbers.

First you, first you got a pen?

Yeah, hold on a minute.

All right.

Where's my pen?

Hold on a minute here.

Okay.

You'll be ready to take notes.

Hurry up.

Okay, I'm ready.

Hey, this is the number you got to call.

Okay.

It hits star.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And then four.

Mm-hmm.

Two.

Mm-hmm.

Six, two, two.

Three.

Mm-hmm.

Zero, zero.

Mm-hmm.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's six, six.

It's my fault.

My fault.

And you're a line technician?

No, I don't tell you how to do your...

I don't tell you how to do your job.

Don't tell me how to do mine.

Now, who are you talking to?

Are you a line technician?

Are you going to talk to a customer this way?

Look, let me just give you the number, okay?

Just let me give you the number.

Okay, and I'm listening for the number.

You're the one that messed up.

I ain't been on the job that long, okay?

Cut me some slack.

You ain't been on the job that long, cut you some slack.

And you work for, what is your name?

My name is Cletus.

I work for .

Okay.

Cletus, and you work for .

I don't want to stop, you know.

I'm trying to help you here, and you're just finding fault with everything I do.

No, I'm not either.

I'm finding fault with your talking to a customer this way.

Normally, a . person or anybody connected with a phone system

would not talk to a customer the way that you're talking.

All right.

I'll take that as a point of personal improvement.

Well, frankly, I don't care how you take it.

I'm a customer, and if you're working for the company, you're working for the company.

I'm sorry.

What did I say that was so bad?

I don't understand.

Well, you was giving me a number, and you didn't know the number yourself.

So I'm questioning whether or not you are actually a worker or that fool that called me.

Now, I can give it a number to call.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, if he calls back.

Let's just go back to that.

Okay, and what is your supervisor's name?

Okay, my supervisor's name is Jack Stephen.

Okay, and his number?

All right, I got it on the paper here.

Okay, it's 877.

Okay.

Thank you very much, but I will deal with the company and your person if this is correct.

Rick. I'll deal with them. But I don't want to call already and stop. No, I don't want I don't

want the number to call. I don't want to talk to you anymore. And why you got to be disrespecting

me like this? Goodbye. Didn't know what is going on. That person was close. Any two times you're

talking to it didn't sound like it. This is Jack. Hello. Jack, who? Jack Masterson. Are you work

How can I help you?

Well, I want to speak to a manager.

Do you have an extension of the name, please?

No, I don't.

I want to speak to, it doesn't matter, any manager.

What's your routing number?

What's my routing number?

I need the number to route you to.

Okay, I don't have one.

And what is your name?

It's a bunch of shit.

Hey, everybody, we're back.

Madhouse Radio is back.

It is now December the 11th, Friday, 12.19 a.m. on the East Coast and 9.19 a.m. on the West Coast.

Thank you for joining us.

Jumping back in here to do some more prank calls before we call it a night.

We've got the Grand Hotel.

They're in Poland.

Also got the Hotel Puri, Malacca.

Hotel Puri, Malacca.

I don't know.

Jin Tan Tan Cheng Lok.

I have no idea where Jin Tan Tan Cheng Lok, what country that is.

Oh, it's in Malaysia.

Okay, cool.

Jin Ton Tang Chang Lok.

Wow.

Well, there you go.

Imagine that.

Amazing.

Let's call Bunny's Liquor Store back real quick here,

and then we'll move into those.

Bunny's Liquor Store is a place that I called and just said,

like, didn't I just say, hey, stupid asshole or something,

and I got into a little verbal spat.

We got to call the first liquor store, too.

This is Bunny's.

This is the second one we did.

And we'll check back in with the Puerto Ricans over there at the other one.

At Nisga Ligas in New York, New York.

Yes, Milkman, we got to call the USSR.

Look when you put that in the Facebook, that we're calling the USSR next.

Yeah.

Nice.

I said we called Malaysia and Paris next.

We're calling the USSR.

All right.

All right, no answer.

Can I terminate the call, please?

Okay.

Nobody there.

This is AT&T security.

This call is being traded.

Tell again.

You see if Bruno's back.

Yeah, it's about time I check on Bruno again.

Please leave a message after the tone.

I should have tried to hack it.

Too late.

All right, we're calling Frenchie.

You can see Bruno's in here at the Hotel Napoleon.

It might be late enough.

I think he was there around 12.

I think it was like around this time that he started answering the phone.

He was there late last time.

Yeah, he got bit.

I think it was last time we started the show at this time.

That's why.

Yeah, it was like a three-hour show.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Looking good.

Things are not looking good.

We are fucked up now.

We really fucked up now, guys.

Do the red box call to UK.

Can they block the number?

No, I don't think so.

You know, I could change it up with any trouble, really.

Okay, so Russia, Milkman, as you said.

Where's my Russia number for the day?

Looking, looking.

Lulu is dying to hear this call with his premise there about the spy.

Well, let's call a different, let's not call it the same one we called earlier.

We're going to look for another one here.

Okay.

From before.

There was a poor lady we talked to from like a week before last.

I don't know.

I'm looking, I'm looking here.

Yeah, she's kind of getting hot.

You was talking to her for a while.

Talking to her?

No, that was Vietnam.

You mean, you're talking about Vietnam?

Vietnam?

We called Vietnam for a while.

No, there was a Russian one we talked to in Estonia.

I'm looking.

Hang on.

Anyway.

I'm looking.

I'm looking now.

Here's a Korsen Hotel and Casino.

Maybe it's this one.

Yeah, there was a casino.

Maybe that was the one.

I don't know.

Corey Fitman.

That's different.

That's Excalibur or something.

Hey, this is Corey Fitman.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

Hello?

I'm sorry I made that noise.

What noise?

Listen, the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

I'm sorry, I've been drinking.

The rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

I said the wrong code word, Nunu, I'm sorry.

I was a little out of it, too.

I'm going to have a dossier for you.

And I worked for the Aerostar Hotel.

So Nunu's plan is to get me to say that the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring,

ask if they have the dossier, and then ask if they are a red fox.

If I can get through that, I win the prize.

on that i wish i had some good russian music i wish i had russian music i wonder what russian

music would be like oh so they're very queer the cost of this call is three cents per minute

yes hello this is the ussr good morning good morning listen the rivers in volgograd are cold

in the spring yes i can't excuse me the rivers in volgograd are cold in the spring the dossier

You would like to speak with the guest?

No, with...

Yes, Red...

The name?

Red D.

I need to know if you have the dossier.

It's okay.

I can't...

If it's not safe, say excuse me.

The guest yet.

Are you ready?

I'm going to give...

Listen, stupid.

I'm going to give you something to type in.

You ready?

Vagrad are cold in the spring.

The secret USSR code.

I need you to type it into your computer.

The rivers in Vagrad are cold in the spring.

I bet.

I missed.

You missed something?

What did you miss?

Did you miss your binky?

Did you forget? I'm sorry. It's okay. What can I bring you? You want me to bring you a bottle? A magazine?

You sound like you're getting ready to explode, bro. What's going on, man?

Oh, dude.

Oh, sit down next to me on the couch over here.

I want you to sit down next to me on the couch, okay?

I'm going to play chicken. I'm going to play you, but you'll be my chicken, all right?

You're my little chicken. I'll pet you like my little chicken.

You know chicken? You know what a chicken is?

Do you know what a chicken is, you stupid shit?

Chicken.

Chicken, you know?

You can call me any words you like.

Chicken.

up to your horse

to your horse

you know that

if you like it

do it

horse

say it

if you like it

oh he's like

play-doh

yeah dude

you hear that guy

he's just

malleable

jeez

that was quite interesting

to be able to get that

out of him

if you like it

you can call me

anything

chicken you know

you can call me

any words you like

you're a chicken

up to you

if you like it

I'm chicken

you're a horse

to your horse

you know that

If you like it, I am close.

Do it, horse.

Say it.

You are...

Don't kid me.

All right, see, that's awesome.

Instant replay brought to you by 98.6themouth.com.

Everybody, be sure to visit that site.

98.6themouth and our friends over at 98.6themouth.

98.6.

The mouth.

Awesome.

God, he's got it.

Interesting.

All right, so we didn't quite get through.

I think, didn't we...

We had a conversation with the Golden Apple Hotel, I think.

Let's try them and see what's up with them.

Yeah.

Let's talk about the code word.

James Bond music is what I need, motherfucker.

Listen, shut up, stupid.

Why you talk so stupid?

Why you say so much stuff, huh?

Yeah, why you say so much stuff when you pick up the phone?

I have a problem.

How can I help you, sir?

I always have the first word and the last word, you understand?

That's how we're going to start this conversation.

Listen, the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

Go repeat it.

I kind of got a little fresh with him.

We're looking for Red Fox.

We got off on the wrong foot.

Fox.

We have to do it in order.

We say the code word, we get a response, we ask if they have the dossier.

Yes, hello, the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

No, I said the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

Wink, wink.

Yes, do you have the, listen, do you have the dossier there?

Do you have the package?

The dossier, the bag, the book bag.

The briefcase.

it has the papers

I need to speak

to Red Fox

I think it's nice

to go to Russia

I think it's a cool

place to go

listen

the rivers in

Volgograd are

cold in the spring

the rivers in

and volgograd are cold in the spring wink wink okay okay good and i left the papers do you have

the papers to speak a little bit louder because we listen attention to me yes sir first papers

and the dossier papers no unfortunately we don't have it but the rivers in volgograd are cold in

the spring are they not and i need to speak to red fox no no i need to talk to red fox mr fox

you need to speak to him or yes once he's our guest now yes this is tell him that jay duck is

Okay, what's his surname? One more time, please.

Mr. Fox?

Yeah, Mr. Fox.

This is fucking nuts.

Unfortunately, at this moment, we don't have such a guest.

Which surname was?

Ben Dover.

One more time, please. What's his surname?

Ben Dover.

No, nothing, sir.

What did you look for? Ben, read it back to me.

You gotta read these back to me when you're looking for them.

I can't find, I guess, which name you tell me.

Okay, what about the other one?

This one.

You ready?

Yes.

Ima Gay.

The name, please, one more time.

About...

G-A-Y-E.

And then first name, Ima.

I-M-I-M-A.

I'm trying to find it by the last name, but...

Do the full name.

The full name, first and last.

Back to me.

Make sure you have it right.

What are you looking for?

For Mr. Gay.

But I can't find him.

What's the first name?

You tell me.

We just...

Look, try it. Do I-M-A-G-A-Y.

What

did you look

look for her say it back no i am a g a y a y yes read that back to me please a g a y am i gay

pronounce it right i'm a gay yes okay what was it again here you're laughing milkman

i think you realize what he said

milkman we're gonna miss it read that back to me please a g a y i am a gay sorry pronounce it

right i'm okay yes all right what was it again i'm okay that's funny milkman you're the one how

did he hear you laugh milkman that's funny no i guess i did laugh a little bit but from the

beginning he said he couldn't hear me how could he hear me laughing in the background like that

i pulled the phone all the way for me jeez i think he figured it out he knew enough yeah i think you

you figure it out he goes i'm a gay yes yes after that that's going into a promo i gotta get the

so what are you looking for her mr gay

mr gay he said it upset like

yeah he's looking for katie k i gotta make that a drop i gotta i gotta add some new sound effects

that one on there i'm a gay i'm gonna get the russian guy saying i am a gay 98 point mouth 98

point mouth all right let's see if we can get some action over here from bruno what the fuck right

fucking bruno fucking ass cost of this call is two cents per minute

yes may i speak with bruno please yeah yeah it's a 645 i don't care i know we'll arrive around

10 well that's a long time can you connect me to his phone please at home connect me to his

personal phone line.

Doing it.

Listen, I need to speak

to Bruno, please.

Who is this, damn it?

He promised me

to give me my $300

so you people

stole my wallet.

You understand?

Where?

From the toilet.

Where?

The toilet.

You want me to

have a green light?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm in the toilet right now.

To the toilet.

Give me my wallet right now.

Room number.

Which toilet?

The toilet on the first floor.

The man's toilet.

My toilet.

What's your room number?

Are you going to come here

and try to touch me

and my person?

Listen, man.

If you think I'm gonna let some fucking sexual pervert come to my house

What's your name, please?

And touch my underwear

You got something else coming to you

Sorry, because I am not a

104

May I know your

What am I

Excuse me, am I a chicken that I have to reply when you say

When you say the say, I have to say back?

Am I a bird?

Name is Valente

Valente

Valente, goddammit

You monkey

May I have your phone number, please?

It's 407-459-4534

Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit

Okay, I will have the green one too.

No, what's the phone number?

Read it back.

No, answer me.

Listen, you're not answering my questions, woman.

What?

Are you a woman?

We just take back.

Listen, listen.

I got one more question, okay?

Listen, okay?

You ready?

Okay, thank you, sir.

Goodbye.

No, shut up.

Listen.

I got a question for those fucks.

I want to hear my question.

Here's your phone number.

He almost gave it to you.

You've got to get AT&T security.

I put up the mic there.

The cost of this call is...

Sorry, guys.

...three cents per minute.

Listen, I hate Sprint.

I'm sorry?

Get me off your telephone machine right now.

I said, get me off your telephone machine right now.

Get me off your telephone machine, why?

You people keep calling my telephone machine.

I do?

Yeah.

I keep getting call solicitations trying to sell me snake oil and shit.

Yeah, man.

In Chicago?

It doesn't cost me any money, because I'm in Australia.

No, I'm calling Collect.

No, hey, can you hit star one, two?

Yeah, I'm calling Collect.

And we're like, woo, like it's a party.

Yeah, I'm calling Collect.

Let's call

England or Australia. Let's call Australia

again. Let's tell them I'm calling

collect. Yeah, that was cool. You sounded pretty

saucy. Let me just say I'm calling

collect. That's actually a good idea to get them going.

I'm calling collect.

And I'll keep calling. I'm calling

collect. It's an episode of The Simpsons,

isn't it? Cent per minute. Bart ended up

getting extra-eyed Australia to get kicked in the ass

with a boot. That's a good episode, the Australian

one. I love that episode.

Hey, I'm calling collect.

I'm calling collect. So, yeah,

Yeah, hi, I'm calling from Chicago, and I'm calling Collect.

Yeah, I'm calling Collect. I'm from Chicago, in the United States.

Is the hair present?

No, no, this is already accepted. I'm on an underground cable.

Underground cable.

I'm on an underground cable?

What's your name? What are you wearing?

I thought I called a different one. I guess I called the same one.

All right, we'll call it Sunshine Town Kebabs in Queensland.

I'm sorry, none of the hair, you mean it?

Yeah, right.

right he's like it's them again it's the collect call us the cost of this call is three cents per

minute i'm gonna call and yell ozzy ozzy ozzy and see if they yell oi oi oi eddie garcia oh okay

hey listen how you doing this is jude hey this is valente what's going on sorry who's this this is

valente i'm calling from chicago who were you wanting to speak to i was calling to make an

an order. I'm calling collect. You want to make? I'm calling collect from America to

make an order. Where are you calling from? From the United States of America. So how

can you make an order if you're calling from United States of America? Because, well, see

it starts with some Malaysian guy who stole my wallet earlier tonight. Well, I can't help

you with that. Well, yeah, you can. You can put my order in. Yeah, but you can't pick

it up. Well, yeah, but I just want you to make the order, though. Like, in case. I

I can't make an order because you're not going to pick it up.

How do you know? I'm not even there yet.

How do you know?

I know you're not here yet.

You're calling from America, so what's the point of me making you an order?

No, I mean, no, no.

I command you to make the order.

No, you can't command me to make one.

Listen, listen.

I'm the United States of America.

So you go ahead and do what I say.

You go ahead and be a nice little girl.

Girl, if I was there, I'd give you a little spank on the bottom, go like that, and you go, and run along, and make the sandwiches for me.

No, it's not going to happen.

Can you put a man on the phone, please?

Yep.

Thanks.

Listen, can you take my order, because I'm just not getting anywhere with this stupid woman.

This stupid woman doesn't hurry up and take my order, so you write down my order, all right?

Because I don't need women messing up the stupid order, and women make a mistake all the time.

Okay, all right.

Yes, all right.

Listen, sorry about that.

Okay, how can I help you?

What kind of sandwiches you got there, man?

Pardon?

You got any kebabs? You got beef kebabs? You guys got curry?

Do you like?

I'm building curry. Give me, like, I want three beef kebabs, you know?

Kebabs? No problem.

You don't have any hummus?

Well, the flight is about 24 hours, and I'll probably go to the airport, like, in two or three.

Okay, no problem.

If you can maybe start that up, like, maybe in an hour for me.

Okay.

Like, I'm not going to come. I'm in America. I can't make it there to eat it, but I want you to make it, though.

Okay.

Like a place in the order, and I just want you guys to

That's all right now. Okay. What would you like well three kebabs? Yeah, okay? That's all yeah, that's all anything else

No, what kind of so no problem? Do you have any diet coke?

Are we do just about you don't have any soda a soda do you have sodas?

Do you have what?

Freshman soft we have chicken and lamb have the drink you stupid and me to drink

I'm gonna I'm gonna drink chicken meat I drink we do we deep I've seen what else what pepsi that's it just pepsi

that's it? That's mean it's Pepsi and you know, all Schwab's products, Mountain Dew,

Paddle, Sun Kings, and Passion Fruit, yep, and Gatorade. Yeah, Gatorade, yeah. Yeah? Yeah,

sounds cool man. What do you like better? Coca-Cola, like I want Coca-Cola though. Huh?

We do just Pepsi. You're gonna have a drink? We do just Pepsi. Yeah? I was wondering, like,

do you know what, you know like chicken, right? You know what a chicken is? I want you to be

like my chicken, and I'm gonna, you know, like, I want you, I'm gonna pet you like my chicken.

Let me pet you like a little chicken. Sit down, like on my lap. Chicken, will you make

make noises like a chicken, like, like that, while you do it? Would you be okay with, like,

I'm just, I'm just a little bit, uh, I'm just a little bit, I think. No, no, it's okay,

no, just tell me, you want to do my fantasy, I want you to be my chicken, my little chicken,

I'll pet you like a little chicken, like a chicken. Yeah, you can, you can, you can pet

with chicken. No, no, no, I want to pet you like you're my chicken, baby chicken. I want

to pet him like my, I'm like my baby chicken. You want what? I want to pet him like he's

my little baby chicken.

You understand?

No, I don't understand.

No, I want him to be

like my little pet chicken.

I'm going to pet him

on his head

like a little baby chicken.

Oh, okay.

Touch him.

Oh, you're coming here

in 24 hours, are you?

Uh-huh.

He's going to sit down

on the couch next to me

and we're going to pet him

like my little baby chicken.

Who is?

What's the boy's name

that was just talking to me?

Assam.

Assam?

He's going to sit...

Assam.

Assam?

Yes, I am.

Assam, okay.

Assam, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to pet him

Like a little chicken

You're going to pat him

Like a little chicken

I love that

Yeah

So you're going to be here

In 24 hours are you

Yeah you're going to

Get me a sandwich

A kebab

Yeah two beef kebabs

Have you had

A sunshine kebabs

Kebab before

No never

So how did you get

Our number

Your number

Was given to me

By the embassy

The US embassy

Right because I lost

My wallet got stolen

In Chicago

By a Malaysian boy

Right

And they gave me

This number to call

Why?

I don't understand.

Why?

I don't know either.

They just gave me this number to call this number.

Oh, okay.

Ask for Asim.

Yeah, so.

Okay.

All right, well, look.

That's pretty weird, eh?

Tell Asim that, you know, we're going to touch and everything.

We're going to play.

All righty.

So tomorrow you'll be here, yeah?

Yeah, but I want to thank you for letting me do the collect call

because I know it's been a few minutes and everything.

Oh, okay.

All right.

This is a collect call.

That's all good.

Yeah.

No, it is really.

No, it's not, because it would have come up beginning to say that it was collect, and I would have said no.

No, no, I called from... No, no, because I called from the underground cable.

No, really, this is...

Yeah, but it comes up.

Can you...

It should come up this end that it's a collect call.

Yeah, but could you actually do me a favor? Could you, on the phone, could you hit star four zero?

Why?

Just to end the call.

Oh, okay. When I finish.

No, right now. Can you just do it right now?

Alrighty.

Um, star, star forty.

Yeah, could you do that for me real quick?

Yeah, okay, that authorizes the charges.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate it.

All righty.

Okay, bye.

All right, bye.

How gullible is she?

Not the perfect call.

That was good.

That's him.

Oh, my God.

I'm a little baby.

I'm a little chicken boy.

I'm a little baby chicken.

You can see me petting some guy like a little baby chicken.

Baby chicken with Vegemite on biscuit.

Baby chicken.

I'll be all weird like that.

All right, that's how I talk to my cat.

The Golden Ring Hotel.

Close the loop, it's an ass ram.

Ass ram.

Hold on, there's going to be some ass ram.

He's an ass ram.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

Ass Sam.

Sam must be a university intelligent.

In Volgograd, our cold in the spring.

Yes, hi, this is the Jade Duck.

hello hello hey stupid this is the jay duck how are you fine thank you yeah you sound hot

you're a little hot hello are you a little hot sorry okay hey the rivers in volgograd are cold

in the spring sorry hello yeah the rivers in fucking volgograd are fucking cold in the

fucking shit fucking spring sorry fuck you hang up the phone i'm done because i just realized i

gotta wake up early tomorrow and i have to make uh two boxes of stovetop stuffing because i've

I've got a fucking potluck tomorrow at work,

and I'm supposed to bring the stuffing.

Oh, where do you got to go?

You got to go get up early tomorrow, Tuck?

Big plans tomorrow, Tuck?

Good big plans?

Painting on numbers?

Yeah.

Paint by numbers, yeah.

That's a big demand for painting numbers.

Painting numbers.

Painting numbers a bunch of different colors and shit.

Everyone can do it.

Yep.

Yeah, motherfucker, everybody,

I want to thank Tuck for being here, of course.

Of course, that's tuckermike.com is his goddamn website, tuckermike.com.

Thank you for being on the show tonight.

We'll catch you next week, Tuck.

Yay, Tuck.

I want to announce that I am making final selections.

Go ahead, Tuck.

I'm sorry.

Tuck.

All right.

So now I'm sending up the new CDs.

I'm coming down to final track selections.

Looks like it's going to come down to 13 prank calls.

It's going to be online only.

Not going to sell hard copies of it, more than likely, unless there's some huge demand, which that will be.

God willing

There won't be

It's a bunch of stress

Having to send those

Fucking CDs out

I don't want to go

Through that again

I'll release it online

Download it for free

Download the MP3s

And listen to them

I want to thank

Lonesome Loser

For sending in numbers

I want to thank

Milkman for stopping in

I want to thank

Everyone who listened tonight

A lot of people

In the house tonight

Milkman do the official thing

So we can get out of here

Make it quickly please

Man hey man

This has been a killer night

What do you say everybody

What I'm talking about man

Irmanito

So back in the house and kick it in.

I want to thank everybody for stopping by,

visiting your friends right here at 98.6 the mile,

or praying to Madhouse Live.

Do not miss us next week.

And first and foremost, I do want to thank our number six man,

the Lonesome Loser.

All hands held high.

Thank you so much, Mother Lonesome Loser.

I'd like to thank everybody else for stopping in.

Kogan E. Tuck, Lifelike, Maven, my sexy Maven, yeah.

Nunu, the wanker, MSC3 Clay, Sonora Cal, all of our friends,

Bart Wynn, friends,

and the queer cheater.

I'd like to thank everybody for stopping in,

because you know what?

We do this every week for free.

We drop the dime,

or we ask for a little time to share some laughs

and have some fun right here in the Madhouse.

And most of all, thank you, the delicimo,

the Madhouse, and Magito.

Thank you, brother, for having us back.

Yay, thank you for fucking me up, Milkman.

Hey, thanks Coconut for working on editing also.

Good work, and we're out of here.

Thank you, everybody.

Bye.

The Rivers in Volgergrad are Cold in the Spring

Calls (20, 1 h 28 min of 2 h 23 min)

Transcript

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