jan-5-10

I'm a little confused as to why you'd want to do an emergency prayer at a bar, though.

With you!

And you wouldn't have access to the whole bar.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Good evening, everybody. What's going on?

Carlito here, Madhouse Radio, on our new night, Tuesday, starting right at 9 p.m.

Good work, gentlemen. It's 9 p.m., January the 5th, 2010, our first show of the year, man.

Tuck, you excited about that? You had your black-eyed peas and cornbread and all that shit?

Ah, Tuck's on mute. My bad. Hang on.

Hello. Cornbread Tuck. Hey, Cornbread.

Hey, man.

Ready to send Tuck right over.

Tuck, how was your New Year's, man?

What did you do for New Year's?

Black-eyed peas.

Eating shrimp and black-eyed peas, huh?

Right.

Wow.

Black-eyed peas and furgid.

How do you make the...

Eating furgid.

How do you make...

With the black-eyed peas.

How are the black-eyed peas made?

You had some...

I asked you this last time when you jumped around the gun,

but how do you season some...

I never had black-eyed peas, Southern style.

What do you put in it?

put some onion in it potato put some salt in that yeah but you know I like a

cabbage with a lot of you put some seasoning on cabbage tuck in some butter

it tastes good I don't know what it's called it's called white people cabbage

what I call it yeah and I've had it and the house smells yeah have I said that

before because it's true because the white woman that lives downstairs the old white lady

she's like in her potatoes and cabbage i believe see her house smells like uh cabbage yeah it does

it smells like white like boiled cabbage that's what white people's houses smell like we all

smell like the foods we like you go to a puerto rican house and you smell like garlic and fried

like fried friedness in the air uh fried corn oil and garlic yeah you go to my parents right

now that's what you'll smell if you go to my parents house it smells like uh garlic that

was fried two days ago and it's still lingering in the air and i could make it i could make it

i could make it home by the smell of the garlic sometimes when i was in high school

i could close my eyes and make it home from school yeah i'm not kidding you that it lingers

it just permeates everything in the house everything is soft in this garlicky oily mist

right yeah chinese people have a smell i don't know what it is exactly but it smells like a

a chinese restaurant a lot of chinese people houses uh asians i mean curry and black people

smell like cocoa better so there you go it's a good smell it's not bad i'm not knocking it

the colored show came out and i actually put the i put the finishing touches on uh the on the

newest episode our october episode it's uh what did i i forgot what i titled it oh yeah sign

Sign Language on the Phone is the title of the newest episode that's going to be uploaded October 22nd.

Kokanee and I are pushing forward, man.

Updating all the archives for October.

I already did both November episodes.

Yeah, good. You finally brought shows up.

Yeah.

Kokanee is working on the October...

Right.

Well, Kokanee is working on the October 29th episode right now.

And the next two are already finished.

They're in the can.

I'm just waiting for Kokanee to do his.

And two are going to come on immediately.

And then we have...

A big hack of 09.

yeah but the december episodes uh there's only two i think in december and one of them is already

edited so we're just about caught up i think i can catch up by five days time

technical problems i was working i had finals at school i had family over uh visiting from

puerto rico until they just left on sunday it was when my little cousin finally left she was here

with her boyfriend

and my parents

are coming a lot,

you know,

hanging out.

So that's why

we didn't do it

because, you know,

the problem was

that the big holidays

this year for me

fell on Thursdays

and I foresaw

this coming

and I tried to get

the Tuesday switch early

but I procrastinated it

and I started school

next week,

not this week.

So we can still do

a Thursday show

this week, Tuck.

I'm thinking about

even just coming on

for an hour

and you're saying,

hey everybody,

if you're listening now,

this is the last time

we're on Thursday.

Listen on Tuesdays

from now on,

you know,

Because there's a lot of people who I think don't know yet.

And especially because of the fact that the podcasts haven't caught up to that point.

Everybody listening now, let everybody know that we're on.

Right.

So people can start coming on.

So put out some of your bulletins and stuff now.

So go out and put out little Mike's Place bulletins and Twitters and Twatters and FaceSpaces and all that.

All that.

If you're on.

Yeah.

And this is going to be a new night.

That reminds me.

I've got to do an update to my Facebook too, the Thank You Talk.

I usually keep my Facebook page open

and Twitter at the same time

and I post little updates

throughout the show

and throughout the week right there.

Trying to become more active in it

now that I have a little more time.

Yeah, we need to do a better job.

Anyway, of course,

we're on Cacti Radio

for the second time this week,

but for the first time

on what's going to be

a regular night.

Now, after us tonight,

we're going to sign off at midnight

in about three hours,

less than three hours.

And people probably don't know

that we were on

during the holidays

on the day after.

Each holiday.

Friday, Friday, Friday Day and Christmas Boxing Day.

Were those shows any good?

I think they were. I think the Boxing Day show was great.

Right. Then wait a minute. Didn't I do a show the day after Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving night?

Wasn't there a good show I did at Thanksgiving night where I was really drunk or something?

I think I was really drunk on wine. Did I drink a whole bottle of wine on the air or something?

No.

Yeah, I think I did. I don't remember the show much, but apparently it was funny.

I don't know.

I've gotten to it already.

It's already edited.

I could play it after the show.

Or play bits of it.

I don't know if there were any good pranks that came out.

I might just push out those November episodes tonight.

That would include that one.

And we'll just add Kokanis later on as an extra one or something like that.

Yeah.

So, Go Dice Man's mentioning, thanks for talking about the show on Thursday.

Right.

Yeah, keep that in mind.

And he's thinking he's happy to have us back on.

Well, good.

Yeah.

Tonight, for some reason, tonight feels like it's almost like a resurrection a little bit, man.

We're on Cacti Radio for the first time

RBCP was what I was mentioning

He's going to be on tonight after us

At 12 midnight, RBCP

He's fucking Brad Carter

He's the guy over from

PhoneLosers.org, PLA

Phone Losers of America

If you're listening to us on Cacti Radio now

Stay tuned after us

If you're listening to us for the first time

Go to our website

It's madhouselive.com

I got two feeds there

I got a prank call only feed

Called the prank cast

And I got a feed that says this show here.

And it's our live attempt on a weekly basis to do prank calls.

They don't always come out right.

It's all ad lib.

But son of a bitch, every once in a while we hit.

We get a hit, you know.

We get a base hit.

We get a third base sometimes.

Tuck, right?

You know, I'll be honest with you, Tuck.

Third base is my favorite.

I'd rather have third base over a home run.

It's just so much work sometimes, you know, when you're a girl.

There's a lot of pressure for them, you know, to score.

Third base is close enough for me, gentlemen.

man i don't set my standards low uh this is a high standard for whatever i don't know what i'm

talking about we got numbers let's see lonesome loser is going to be joining us later something

about baseball lonesome uh it just as i say lonesome loser is going to be joining us later

son of a bitch he shows up right now tuck lonesome loser showed up right when i started talking about

lonesome loser would be here later it's a fucking son i gotta opt some people in the chat room a big

what's up to everyone who made it tonight milkman's going to be joining us here any second

it now apparently um ellie's in the house haven't seen her around yeah spread the word it's it's a

it's a tuesday night affair for at least through the summer i think we might stick with it let

know yeah please do all right we got numbers here coming in from lonesome loser everybody my

my bro be sure to visit him at little loser dot uh uk we've got the disneyland resort dial zero

and woman name let's call disneyland all right do that i don't know what to call about what should

we call about we lost an ipod now this is the other one this is disneyland not disney world sir

Big difference.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Don't fucking...

Don't get nasty.

California is...

I respect Lando.

We're right back with the first prank of the night.

One moment, please.

They're not as cool...

They're not as goth as us, man.

Disneyland isn't as goth as Disney World.

We got SeaWorld here.

Well, they got SeaWorld...

No, they got SeaWorld in San Diego.

What do we got here?

California doesn't have no Epcot.

There's no...

There's no Epcot at California.

Right?

there's no animal kingdom in california you got a point but i'd rather sneak in marijuana

it's much funner to sneak in marijuana and get high at epcot in the middle of freaking morocco

not that i've done that ever uh not that i've ever been in the morocco pavilion in a restroom

smoking weed yeah i got i had i had friends that thought it was funny to go to um they

they drop acid i've never done acid before in my life i would never but they um they went to

abcog no i never did that no no no no that's why people drugs i don't know honestly

but uh they said it's a crazy experience to go like the theme parks in orlando if you're

tripping apparently did we did i get to a whole tire with a hostile but i had to share the toilet

and people gonna watch me on the toilet i think that's in one of those november episodes

I think yeah, I was like they're gonna watch you in the toilet like no no no not no one's gonna watch you

Okay, well in that case forget it

Hey, so tell me now so you move from DSL

Well from dial-up to DSL within the last month or so, right? Right. Can you man?

Can you imagine having to go back to okay?

Can you imagine having to go back to that weight again? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, man. It's crazy, right?

Yeah, it's something.

That was the fuck out of you,

didn't it?

Yeah, so hey, tell me...

None of y'all spoiled

fucking pricks.

Yeah, so hey, man,

tell me, do you like

that you're watching...

I totally understand.

You've been watching

any of that porno?

You can watch a lot

more porno, man.

You can go to the

porno tubes now, man.

My thing right now

is vintage,

is classic porno

from the 70s and 80s.

Oh, yeah?

That Betty Page?

Was it Betty Page?

They're actual movies.

They're actually films

of stories and scenes,

many scenes

without any sex at all.

Oh, man.

And they go out in location

and all kinds of crazy shit.

Okay, alright, yeah, if you're into that,

if you need the whole storyline now,

it's not like that at all anymore, man.

It's all get right to the point.

No, it's called mechanical, and like,

who can fuck with 30 minutes straight

at that intensity

anyway?

Right, yeah, true.

Yeah, you just...

Yeah, exactly.

It's all fast-forward time.

No one appreciates it anymore.

more we're calling russia yeah right the art is gone the art is gone he creates the the art is

gone he creates you but he's gone yeah there was it was such an art have you ever seen boogie

they talk about that in depth well not really that but they they touch on it a lot yeah the

guy jack horner he's a movie porno film producer and he he doesn't want to admit that uh at first

that the film was dead he doesn't want to go to tape makes a big deal about it and then in the

storyline he's one of the he ends up becoming really rich because he's one of

the first people to invest in and he you know got to like make a lot of money

just you know converting the VHS and right right there you go

well he wasn't in the cocaine but seriously um and then they say the big

vhs betamax wars uh one of the key uh victories for vhs was the fact that the uh adult film

industry decided to back vhs for home releases instead of betamax and a lot of people say that

if that wasn't you know that there's no way that it wasn't one of the major reasons that

it went the way it did apparently there you go um i don't know if we can call russia how much

is russia i've got 10 cents of credit left which i think equals like five cents to uh uh to the

the UK. Five minutes to the UK or something

like that. I'd have to buy

$10 worth of credits if we're going to start calling

international here. I think we're going to have to, because

Lonesome is sending in numbers for Amsterdam,

the Netherlands, Amsterdam,

the Rude Liu Hotel. Let me go ahead and do that.

Let me play a classic prank.

What's everybody's favorite top five

porno stars? Who's the

big porno stars right now?

I don't know who it was seen today on

Howard TV. One of the

old, they were putting out some

classic stuff. And

And fucking, what's her name?

She's on Celebrity Sex Rehab or whatever that shit is.

Mary Carey, I think.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Mary Carey.

Mary Carey, yeah.

I was thinking of those.

Yeah.

She doesn't seem that, I don't know.

Well, she was quite interesting.

I just wanted to run to see that.

I don't know.

She was quite interesting in this episode of her that I was watching.

She was drunk off her ass, apparently.

She was really drunk off her ass.

I think she writes a CV in it.

There we go.

Athena didn't let me watch the Sibian ride, unfortunately, but I told her that's for later when she's working and I'm home.

You know, for Carlos time.

Carlito time.

Carlito alone at home gets to watch the Sibian ride.

Where's Hollywood Vanya at?

I wish he'd call in and help us out.

He does awesome voices, man.

I should give him a call.

We're going to call in here in the States.

Fort Collins, Colorado.

I'm one of those psycho-murdering Muslim army guys.

The Fort Collins, right?

Wasn't it?

Remember Crazy Fucker called and laughed himself off?

Leaving a voicemail about it?

He thought it was hilarious.

Hey, what happened?

Hey, listen, buddy.

Buddy, I wanted to see if we could get a prayer circle going on there.

How much space do you have available?

How many people could I bring in for prayer?

I'm trying to do emergency prayer here.

Emergency prayer?

Yeah, we're trying to get a group of, like, well, as many as you can accommodate.

That's why, what exactly?

Well, there's a gentleman already laying.

He's in a hospital after a suicide attempt, and we're all getting together to do a, you know,

the congregation needs a place to meet together to do a prayer, emergency prayer.

He's in intensive surgery right now.

They're going to put him under any second now.

So if we're going to come do a prayer, we need to go to your place.

Well, we decided we're going to your place, but we want to know how many of us can go there.

Are you going to start doing any cover charges?

Basically, it's a religious thing, so absolutely no alcohol.

We'll bring you business, but absolutely no alcohol while we're there.

We can't have that.

Okay.

Well, we'll probably do 50 people.

50 people?

Can you put all those chairs in a big circle?

No.

I don't know how we're supposed to do it then.

I don't know if you were going to stand.

I'm a little confused as to why you would want to stand.

This is a place that can hold a lot of people, you know?

Well, yeah, but we keep...

It's fine, yeah.

I mean, except when it comes to the seats,

we probably have 25 seats.

Are they stuck to the floor, or can you move them?

Well, half of them are,

and then the other ones are the swings that are at the...

The swings can't be removed, but...

So I'm 20.

All right, but that's good enough, then,

and then we could have half the people in the swings

and then another half on the chairs.

And how many...

Like, what's the science say

about how many people can be there

according to the sheriff marshal how many yeah how much does the science say i'm i don't even

remember i don't i can't see it from my position right now so i don't i don't know exactly off the

top of my head well it's probably the amount of people that are going to want to come or a large

congregation at the same time i mean i can't our our max capacity is include bar so i can't

and we don't you wouldn't have a bar no well we yeah like i said you know when we come in

there can be absolutely no alcohol sales or anything and we'll bring you business we'll

We'll buy whatever else.

No, and I understand that, but either way, the access to the other bar, I can't right now.

But I mean, even people...

It's only the main floor.

I'm talking even at the bar.

Like, anybody else who's not affiliated, we can't have them, you know, consuming beverages.

Well, no, and that's fine, and, you know, anybody can come in.

It's not a problem.

It's just...

Right, well, I was saying, if another patron comes in, you have to tell them that you can't serve them alcohol,

even if it's not one of us.

I mean, anyway, there can be no consumption of alcohol on the premises at all.

While you're in here?

Absolutely not.

Well, I can't turn away another customer who's interested in drinking.

It's a prayer service. It's a consecration of the body and blood of Christ.

Fine. If you guys wanted to bring some people in and you guys wanted to do that, that wouldn't be a problem.

But I couldn't turn away another patron who was looking to drink when they're a pain in the ass.

We'll compensate you for it.

What else do you have there that's not alcoholic? Orange juice?

Yeah, there's Coke products, juices, food.

Any corn fritters?

No.

You got a lot of gluten there, a lot of stuff with gluten?

I have no idea.

All right, well, honestly, you know, we're going to...

Honestly, I don't think this is your place, then.

No, we're already committed at this point.

I think it's going to be about...

Hang on.

Because the other congregation...

Yeah, because it's like two congregations,

and the one congregation already committed 25,

and then we've got about 28 here, I think,

and there might be a few other people showing up later on

that are getting out of work.

So we're looking probably, you know, close to 40, 50 people

within the next hour that will probably arrive.

Okay, well, I mean, if you wanted to...

you know do that that's fine but i'm absolutely not no absolutely there's not going to be any

sales of alcoholic beverages while any of these children are there absolutely not sir no no and

that's fine all right so then you're accepting that there's not going to be any sale of alcoholic

beverages or you can be held liable are you are you talking about anyone any sale of alcohol to

your group or other people because we get outside of your group outside of our group absolutely not

they're welcome to come and participate in the congregation and the consecration of the eucharist

That's fine, but that can't happen.

I can't turn away a customer interested in paying to buy alcohol

just because you guys in here are doing what you need to do.

Well, you just kindly explain, Mr. Customer, Mrs. Customer,

there's a religious event going on here.

We do this every year.

Annually, we host this event for them.

Just lie. Just make it up.

No, but at the same time, the purpose of our job is to serve beverages of that sort to people,

and we have the right not to refuse service.

It's a case.

All right.

No.

Maybe is there a manager I can talk to or something?

He's currently out.

He's out?

I'm the one that's here.

You're in charge?

Yes.

Where's your papers at?

What do you mean?

The business papers.

Where are they?

No idea.

All right.

Either you accept this deal or I'm going to talk.

I'm friends with Bob Morton, and they're going to pull all your papers, all your permits

and papers.

Dude, I'm sorry, but that's the type of client I'm looking at.

Do you want to be responsible?

I can't.

Do you want to be responsible for the-

I can't turn away other paying customers.

Do you want to be responsible for the papers getting pulled there?

Then you'd be my guest.

But we're coming in, and there's not going to be any alcohol sold there at all.

We have several alcoholics.

But if there's somebody who's looking to buy an alcoholic beverage,

I can't turn them away just because you're present.

Well, we have recovering alcoholics, drug addicts who are part of this congregation.

We have minors.

I'll tell you what.

If you want to come in, you can come in.

But I have customers that I can take care of right now.

So if you want to come in and see you in an hour, that's fine.

You need to tell those customers to start wrapping it up

because we're coming in and there's not a drop of alcohol.

And that's fine.

If you want to come in, that's fine.

But I got to go, man.

You tell them right now.

All right, good, everybody.

It's a dry bar there today.

I can't have anything to do with it.

A lot of confusion in the chat room.

People understanding who's Madhouse.

What is Madhouse?

Well, no, RBCP does the phone show.

That's his normal show.

It comes in at midnight.

It comes on in two hours and 26 minutes.

and before that we're here we're doing our show we've been doing it for a little while

me rbcp and i talked and we thought we offer similar we offer similar products and it'd be

cool to kind of you know combine forces a little bit yeah that's okay no one's you know no one's

bravi take it easy brad died no more phone show everybody the breaking news there is no more

phone show apparently um talk if you cut the music please where's milkman at fucker we're

We're reporting Brad has died.

There is no phone show tonight, everybody.

Brad is dead.

Be sure to stay tuned here to Cacti Radio for more information.

Be rad, man.

All right, Grishnab now confirming there is a phone show with Zespessa.

So, yeah, so Brad died, but who cares?

All right, cool.

It's a really guy named Brad who died, dude.

I'm sorry.

I was going to say, it's true.

Anywho, be sure to visit cactiradio.com.

And if you're not listening to Madhouse Radio, there's no reason why you should not be listening to them.

And, dude, I really dig the phone show.

it is cool

I like the podcast

also

I like RBCP's

RBCP's podcast

very good

dude

fuck that

yeah hell yeah

dude

fucking RBCP

he had this fucking

this thing

alright

you gotta

I think you said

you got it at Radio Shack

it's like

almost like an earpiece

right

like one of those

you know

before Bluetooth

was the hot shit

you used to have

the wired ones

or whatever

kind of a little bigger

one in your ear

to your cell phone

we're talking like

97, 98 style

anyway

you connect it to

like I guess

you connect it to

a recorder

or either a digital one or a Walkman or something like that.

And when you're using a phone, it makes contact with the receiver,

so it's recording what you're saying

and also what the other person on the other end is saying.

It's a really fucking cool thing.

He went to Walmart on fucking Black Friday, right?

And he figured out if you hit like a certain, I think it's pound 98,

and then the line that someone's calling on, you can pick up the line.

So people will call, like, yeah, I need toys.

Like, okay, you know, and then they put you on hold.

and on the intercom they say, you know, toys, you have a call, line one, toys, line one.

So he'd go and he's probably like in a more quieter area of the store

and he was dialing, picking up and dialing the lines and talking to the customers

and fucking with them, man.

And I'll tell you, I got my new iPod.

My old one finally crapped out two months ago after four years of service,

three years of service, three years of service.

And I plugged it into my laptop and the next day after I got it, you know,

for Christmas, after Christmas Day, I was going,

We were going to Universal with my family.

I was taking my cousin or her boyfriend,

and my wife Athena and I went to Universal Studios

in Islands of Adventure here in Orlando.

And I decided to throw his podcast on my iPod,

and I heard that episode.

I just about died laughing while I was standing in line

for the Simpsons ride, which I never rode before,

which I was kind of like,

Tuck, I'll tell you, I don't know if you've heard about the Simpsons ride.

They took out Back to the Future, the ride here in Orlando

at Universal Studios, and they replaced it with a Simpsons ride.

ride yeah and i'm a lifelong diehard fan of the simpsons ever since the first episode ever since

the tracy olman days fucker and i'll tell you what i was kind of i didn't like it i miss i miss back

to the future i miss the i miss sitting in a in a in a mock-up of a delorean uh that's bouncing up

and down in front of a screen it's a you know it's the simpsons ride wasn't that cool it was

a little too cartoony for me and it wasn't like they made them 3d like 3d simpsons you know every

Every once in a while, they throw a Simpsons episode there where part of it, they have three dimensions.

It looks like that.

They look really big and oversized-headed.

It's supposed to be like a roller coaster in Krusty Land.

I did not dig it.

I'm upset.

I feel, I don't know.

I had high hopes for it, Tuck.

Great.

Yeah.

Blizzard won, confirming.

The same with me.

Simpsons rights suck.

That's true.

But one cool thing is they actually had a Quickie Mart there, though.

They took out the Back to the Future store and they put in a Quickie Mart, which sells Simpsons memorabilia and has squishies right across the way on the waterfront.

It was really cool.

I dig that.

I dig the whole Simpsons look.

It was really cool.

But the ride, no thanks.

All right, guys.

We got a lot of hotels here in Ireland.

Call them that Amsterdam hotel, though.

Amsterdam, the rude, lewd hotel.

Hey, Amsterdam isn't that expensive.

we can call the netherlands

hey

listen buddy

observations there

confirm them for me

immediately

what's your name sir

this is valente

jack valente

and when are you due

to arrive sir

i'm at the airport now

and i've been waiting

on my shuttle

so why don't you start

by telling me where

my ride is

excuse me sir

why don't you start

by telling me where

my god damn ride is

i heard you sir

i just don't understand

your attitude

hey don't be nasty

with me

all i get is shit

from you europeans

cause i'm american

don't you be racist

with me

this is america

i'm america

and i'm superior to you

Now, where's my ride?

Goodbye, sir.

Fuck you.

I'm right back, bastard guy.

Athena went to Amsterdam with Greenpeace,

and she said there were such assholes to Americans.

Her and her friends, some of her classmates,

were hanging out here afterwards,

and they said they got nothing but shit from them.

They hate fucking Americans. Fuck them.

Who saved their asses? The Russians, to be honest.

Hello, sir. You want to try that again?

Don't be nasty, okay? Don't be fresh.

I've tried to be friendly. I'm sure you had a bad day, sir. What can I do for you?

I'm stuck in this stupid airport with people who don't speak American.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

It's nasty. Why are there so many bicycles in this town? What's that about?

I don't know. I guess it's cheap, and we're all small-scale, so it works in Amsterdam.

Oh, it's small-scale, so what's the next thing you're going to say about Americans, huh?

Go ahead. Say it.

I didn't say anything about Americans, sir.

Look me up on your computer, please.

There's nobody here under the name Valente, sir.

Well, try under V-A-G-I-N-A.

Right.

I understand.

No, you have one there.

I'm certain you have one right there.

If you look between your legs, there's one right there.

Why don't you check it out for me?

I understood the joke, sir.

Yeah, confirm that.

You have a vagina, right?

We have no vagina.

There's no reservation for a vagina, sir.

No, take your pants down.

You'll see a vagina, right?

I understood the joke the first time, sir.

Yeah, but why don't you answer?

You're voting it because it's true.

You know what, sir?

You're a female.

If you show up at the hotel, I'll do my best to help you.

Until that time, I don't think I can be of service.

I think you're a threatening man.

I'll see you later, maybe.

I'm going to sue you.

I don't fuck with him anymore.

He's not angry enough.

He was close to blowing up.

I was waiting for that, but he ain't coming.

That's called the Irish.

Can't believe the fucking asshole magic lost.

Hello, donkey, how are you?

Yes, hello, donkey, how are you?

Donkey?

Donkey.

Are you all right?

Do you know what a donkey is?

Yeah.

Okay, that's you.

Listen, can you check for how much are your spaces, please?

We don't have any spaces.

What about...

You know what I mean by spaces, like, you know, reservations and shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay, so put me down.

Doggy.

When?

Hmm?

What time is your check-in?

My check-in is three.

At three?

What time is it now?

Three to noon.

Okay, so I'm going to check in, you know, I'll be on my way there, and I'm going to

check in now.

Do you check to see if the person I'm coming with is married to me or not?

No, we don't.

You don't have a problem with that?

Hmm?

I do.

You do?

Why, because it's your religion?

Sorry?

Is it your religion?

Fucking gay.

Not gay.

I'm saying he's gay.

He's just fucking...

What's worse, donkey or donkey? They're both kind of equally bad.

I like donkeys. It's funny to call people donkey.

I had a good suggestion regarding calling Universal Demanding that they put Back to the Future.

They should, man. Get rid of that fucking crap.

Yeah.

Donkey.

Let's call Iran.

Let's get that home and hotel in Iran. Let's see if we can piss him off.

Back to the Future back by calling Iran.

Demanding Back to the Future back.

The Mandit.

Get out of my room.

Looking for the stupid Homa Hotel.

I don't see it yet.

Here we go.

Homa Hotel in Tehran, Iran.

Nice friendly bunch over there.

Let's give them a call.

Yeah, that's what he said, right?

Keep this hold of me, then.

I can't wait to edit that episode.

It's going to be good.

Yes, Homa Hotel?

Yes, hello.

I would like to make reservations, please.

A minute.

Listen, jerk.

Every time I call, you people say the same thing.

45 minutes.

I've been calling for the last two hours, and it's the same thing.

Call back in 45 minutes.

No.

to be here in 7 a.m.

Listen, I...

No, but listen.

I'm an American...

It's 45 to 7.

Gentlemen, nobody's here

to make the reservation.

Habibi, Habibi, listen.

Habibi, listen.

It's 45 to be here.

Listen, peace be unto you, brother, okay?

God's peace be unto you.

Thank you.

Okay, now I command you

in the name of the United States of America

to make my reservation right now.

Reservation access, gentlemen, as I said.

Write down the paper information on the paper.

Your name here, again.

Okay.

Do you have room service there, sir?

Room service? Why not?

What kind of food do you have?

Do you like to talk to a woman who is not your wife?

Do you ever do that?

Listen, I'm going to be coming in with a woman who is not my wife.

I'm going to be staying in the same room with her tonight.

Oh, this is the question that...

No, no, you tell me, between me and you, is it okay if I get a room?

If you give me the room, I'm going to say your name, your wife, available.

No, it's not my wife. We're not married. No, she's my mistress.

And I, I'm in the moment. Give you a second.

No, no, I, no, I will not pay for a second room. I'm gonna sleep with her in the same room.

Okay. Then speak to the reservation. Maybe the whole...

There's no one else I can talk to? The manager now? You, what, I have no recourse. I have to call back in 45 minutes.

It is midnight here, gentlemen. Where are you now? Are you in America or Iran?

Yeah, I am. In the greatest country in the world.

Well, yeah, and she needs me about...

Okay. What about your mother? Oh, she's not alive anymore.

Mine is too.

She's alive? No?

What about your father?

You know what I'm going to do to your father?

I'm going to take off my shoe and I'm going to hit him in the head with the shoe.

I'm going to take off my sandal, right?

Yes.

And I'm going to hit your father in the face with my sandal.

No, your father. I'm going to do that to him.

Okay, if you can do it, no problem. Do it.

Okay, and then I'm going to take off your pants in front of your father and make him look.

Again, if you can do it, you can do it. Absolutely.

No, but I have him here right now. I have control of him.

If you can do it, then do it.

Okay. You ready?

Of course.

Let me get your father here.

No, because I'll still, I'll hurt you. I'll beat you up in person, even because I make, I have big muscles. I lift weights. I have a better diet than you because I get good food and medicine here. You don't get that.

No, how many, how much can you bench press? How many weights can you bench press? I bench press 270 pounds, man.

I call him and he's a natural. He's a hunter.

You don't eat pork?

He's a hunter. Must be a hunter.

He was hunting and I threw a shoe at him and I caught him.

Are you a Jew?

Okay.

Do you hunt Jews?

Do you hunt?

Yeah, I hunt.

Hello.

I hunt Muslims and Iranians.

Hunt?

I hunt for people.

I'm coming to Iran. I'm going to collect a bounty. I'm a bounty hunter.

Okay. You can just...

Oh, well, I'm coming. I'm going to get in my helicopter.

Be in my helicopter. I'm going to call you back from the helicopter in 45 minutes, okay?

All right. Talk to you then, buddy.

I'm going to call back and ask for reservations again.

Every time we call him back, he's going to call back.

I'm going to wait.

I'm going to open.

I'm going to do this.

What was an excuse?

MST3 Clay passing the word along to Lonesome Loser to have us call Adolphus Cotton.

Excuse me.

Adolphus Cotton.

Classic pranks to him and his wife here on Madhouse Radio.

Let's do it.

This is Valente.

I was hoping to speak to Adolphus if I could, please.

Adolphus.

He's not here.

Oh, he's not?

Is he out right now?

What's he doing?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Is he out to no good?

What's he doing?

What now?

Are you happily married?

Yes, I am.

He's looking for a divorce.

Divorce.

Nah, you must have the wrong number, babe.

No, no, no.

No, he got...

What the fuck?

I don't know.

I really want to talk to Adolphus one day.

He's the guy to fucking talk to.

Although, we had fun with her impersonating the phone company once.

I just ruined that.

She's too much on guard.

She knows.

She hears my voice.

She's like, oh, this motherfucker here.

Yeah, that was pretty weak.

That was her, though.

msjc play a good point you don't know what i'm talking about we'll play big black gun we'll know

what we're talking about oh i'm gonna reach your husband hello he has such a big car i love to take

it in the ass and i got some other ones to talk to you dude rose and pool how you doing there buddy

i said it was this margaret i just love your big black car this just a little old white lady

I heard you have some of that North Carolina sausage. Would you like to speak to my friend, Jill?

Jill Rosen.

Big bad, big black gun.

But you don't know about it.

But you don't let me buy it.

I'm sorry, man. Please. I'm sorry, man.

It's your goddamn problem.

I need many meds. I'm really sorry, man.

That's the guy we were just asking for.

Reckless prank called him about a year and a half ago. That's Adolphus Cotton.

And then what? Ted and I had a series of calls with his wife, the woman we just talked to, all in one day.

She kept thinking she was tracing the call.

She would dial star-6-7, and we'd still be on the line.

She never hung up the line completely.

And I would just say I was a phone company, and she'd fall for it,

and we'd trace the call and fuck with her again.

Oh, it was great. It was so much fun.

Hello?

Hey, is this Patrick?

Patrick? Patrick Murphy?

We have a report that your wife, Nolene, was making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary.

Who's talking like this? I want to let you fucking eat it.

Hey, listen, don't talk to me like that. I'm a Catholic priest.

Bastard.

I'll call him right back.

Bastard son of a bitch.

I tried to call you twice and I can't go on straight to voicemail.

I'm lying. I didn't try to call you. It was my excuse.

I'm lying. I did.

I actually forgot you were not here.

Oh yeah, Jack Masterson.

I almost choked on a big chunk of onion there.

Randy Dandy?

we've called randy dandy before oh randy dandy that was a long time ago no randy dandy was a

was a was a he was one of the chat room kids yeah look when i'm on my list look when i'm

drinking coquito like early old school first year shit oh god old back in the day old time fan

breaking news your milkman rbcb died in a car accident hello no hello yeah hi rbcb died in a

car accident? Who? RBCP. Who in the world is that? Uh, just, um, an acquaintance of

ours, so we're having a prayer circle get-together, because he's supposed to do the phone show

tonight, but he can't. He's hung up on me already, woman. Damn. Call him back. He don't

even care. Call him back. RBCP's dead, man. I mean, fuck. Go pray. Pray for a soul and

enter the kingdom of heaven. I never understand why people pray for someone after they die.

If they die and they were assholes, it's because people pray for them, doesn't mean

they're going to heaven. God already made his decision. I don't know. That's what I

I understood for the book.

You make your own decisions

of where you go.

Listen, don't hang up.

We need to...

Look at here.

Don't call here no more

at no 10.30 at night.

God damn it.

Call somebody else

with the gang's back.

God damn it.

Oh, good.

Wow.

That's a really big one.

Yeah.

For sure.

She doesn't give a shit, RBCP, man.

I'm sorry.

RBCP, if you died, man,

she wouldn't give a fuck

with your games

about dying and shit.

Dying's not a game.

You ask me?

You might as well forget it.

Don't look for yourself in that obituary, nobody gives a shit.

Die at 9pm or something, something early.

Don't fuck.

Fuck the collab-o.

Suck your neck, baby.

Was that a prostitute you were calling, or what?

I don't know, it was Randy Dandy.

Nunu says again, okay, cool.

Not Randy Dandy.

Yeah.

That's a real Randy Dandy, that's the guy, the kid who used to-

He's probably like 18 now.

Fuck that.

Took her phone off the hook.

Remind me to try Randy Dandy again later,

and maybe she'll take her phone off the hook and we'll get through again.

The garbage lady from the other show.

Is she related to Debra Mansfield?

I don't like it.

Her and Adolphus Cotton's wife, man.

He's a fucking asshole.

Yeah, what's that number?

Remember she said she was on us or something?

What was that all about?

Get that number.

You got it around, Milkman?

Yeah.

What?

that I'm livin'

I'm quick to slip the clip

We got another,

we got the Amsterdam

Airport Hotel here.

Call the d***,

give them a call.

Hello, Monkey.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

How can I help you?

I'm good, Monkey.

I would like to check

your spaces, please.

Uh, sorry?

I want to check your spaces.

I got a status on your spaces.

What's your approval code

and all that stuff, you know?

Give you something for file.

Put it on file.

Thank you, uh...

No, no, no, no.

Listen, sir,

this is the hotel

and I have reservations there

and you haven't come

to pick me up yet

at the airport.

That's right,

That's right, I'm in the airport, no one's going to pick me up yet here to take me to the hotel, dammit.

Uh, yes, I will try to send, but what's your last name, sir?

This is Valente.

Valente?

Valente.

Let me just check, give me one moment.

Hurry up.

What took so long?

It's fine if you don't, just, I will get it straight now, just send the vehicle for me immediately.

You're not talking with the Durin Amsterdam Airport, I'm not, I really don't know what you, how can I further help you, sir?

You are at the airport, would like to come to the hotel.

Well, you promised me that you were going to give me my transportation

from the airport to the hotel, and here I am still waiting,

and no one's coming to pick me up.

Because I don't know the situation, sir.

You asked my colleague this.

That's right.

I confirmed with your colleague.

And he said you were going to come pick me up, and no one's here yet.

Nicely.

What do you mean by nicely?

Hang on now.

What do you mean by nicely?

What was that little comment for, huh?

I don't know the situation.

What if I'm not nice?

What if I'm upset?

Are you not going to help me out then?

Of course.

What if I'm angry?

try this situation. We'll help you.

Okay. Well, I'm not going to be nice.

That's it. You said I had to be nice. I'm not going to

be nice. How do you like them apples, huh?

What is your room number, sir, please?

I don't know the room number. I'm just waiting for my ride.

I'm on transportation. And then you would

like to check in? Yes, I will check in when I get there.

That's right. Just accounting in front of me.

Information as well. Oh, this is Valente.

I got you. That's all you need. Valente

is my name, and I'm at the airport. DHL.

I will send somebody to the airport.

Where are they going to find me at? Where do I go?

DHL is a normal shippable...

Yeah, and where are they going to find me at, exactly?

Like, who am I looking for?

The cruise center.

It's a van?

It'll be here.

It could be...

What time is it now?

20?

20.

For 20?

Hey, yeah!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

This is Amsterdam, right?

Yes.

He's going to bring some of that weed with him?

To the cruise center.

I want him to take me to a marijuana smoking party.

I think I'm with DHL.

No, I am in DHL.

I need my ride.

I need you to come pick me up, please.

20 minutes, you said?

10 minutes?

Yeah, 15.

15?

I don't...

Listen.

Can you tell me your last name, please?

V-A-G.

Yeah, it's just me.

Right.

I was thinking about picking up a woman who's married to another man.

You understand?

Is there a charge for that?

Hello?

What was your name?

Monkey, what was your name?

If you might come down there, you're going to give me your name.

I can't thank you enough.

Well, just get the ride over here.

We'll get a straight now when I get there.

Look, I really need to get out of here.

Please just get me there now, damn it.

Madhouse Radio, madhouselive.com is the website.

You should subscribe to our podcast fees.

Check out the forums.

Post in there a little bit.

Touch it a little bit.

Smell it if you like.

We won't tell anybody.

You know the name.

Mm-hmm.

Tune in and get the cast.

The cast.

Both the cast.

The castesses.

This is a Billy Mirarose being hosted by Yoko the Clown.

I know about that.

I gotcha.

Angry black woman, school bus driver, known alcoholic.

I'm just trying to see if I can get this guy to commit to sending a van for me.

I'll call back in 15 minutes and give him shit.

I didn't send the van.

Call Homo House, too.

Well, I can't call them for another...

How long now?

Are they open now?

When did they say?

49 minutes?

I could try.

Let's see if the Homo House hotel is ready.

Is that what you're talking about?

The Homo Hotel?

It's taking too long.

Or we could call Corey and Big Girl.

Big Dolores?

Yeah, true.

We could do that.

Teen in Chicago.

MSC through Clay reporting from North Carolina.

26 feels like 20.

Wow.

All right.

We got to call that...

Go call.

The p***o gas station before they close.

Bunkster dude, I'm on it.

Hang on a minute.

Got a wrong number.

Called the madhouse line on New Year's Day.

Some kind of pastor.

Yeah, hi.

Listen, buddy.

I want to ask you about your napkin situation over there.

What's going on?

Well, everything's in a mess over there in that area.

And everything out of order is a mess.

I couldn't find half the stuff I needed.

How many napkins do you have out there now?

Or what's the deal with the napkins?

What do I got to do to get napkins?

I want you to write down my information.

I'm going to come in next week.

Well, I'm going to come in tomorrow.

All right.

Who's the shift manager tomorrow morning?

I want you to write down a message for Candace.

I want you to say that Valencia's coming in for a pack of napkins tomorrow,

and I'm going to take them with me, because this is ridiculous.

Well, did you write it down?

Read it back to me, just like you have it.

You tell me.

This is coming in tomorrow for a free pack of napkins.

What's your name?

Her or Josh?

Put that there at the bottom, okay?

Read back the whole thing to me.

Okay, and just put down, well, we've got to make something up,

that your service is bad or something like that.

All right, so what can we say?

Josh did not do his job.

Josh did not have enough napkins out.

Josh should be reprimanded.

Josh should not be considered for an employee bonus at the end of the quarter.

Okay, read that back all to me, please.

Contest is coming in tomorrow.

Why don't you write down the rest of it, Josh?

What did you get down?

Josh did not have enough napkins out.

What else did we say?

Josh should not do his job right.

Josh should be reprimanded.

And the last one is Josh should not be considered for an employee bonus at the end of the quarter.

Make sure you read that all back to me and I'll be out of your way.

Yeah, that's good enough.

Okay.

Okay. All right, Josh, I'm sorry to do it for you, but, you know, you've got to call spade to spade,

and I've had enough coming in there not getting the proper sequence, you know, the proper service there,

and inadequate supplies and condiments there.

Enough is enough. I hate to do it to you, but I should expect a call back from Candace.

Should I just call back in the morning? What time does she get in?

You get that.

right, I'll talk to her.

I'll call her on my way to work.

I go to work at 8 o'clock. I'll be calling sometime around 7. Do you want to add that there?

All right, buddy. Well, you have yourself a good night, and reflect, and think about what you did.

And I'll be following up as she gets this note. Thank you, sir.

Good. Josh is being reprimanded for doing a bad thing. And he should be.

Piss joke, make it a good point. Josh doesn't keep the spaces clean.

When asking, did I call the Asian kid back? No, not yet. I will. I'll get to it.

So do you know who Josh is? Apparently, this guy knows who Josh is.

Josh is just rolling with the flow. He's like, yeah, whatever. I'll roll with the punches.

Yeah, I'm bad. Yeah. I shouldn't get a bonus.

He almost cracked up trying to read that one back.

You know they don't get no employee bonus every quarter there.

Fuck.

I don't think anybody gets quarterly bonuses anymore like they used to back in the day.

More numbers in Ireland.

Didn't we have fun with a liquor store or two?

Wasn't it like Bunny's Liquor or something like that?

Nisga Liquor and Bunny's Liquor too I think we had an argument with, right?

Bunny's Liquor store last on Friday.

Give them a call.

And we got Debra Mansfield also, right?

Milkman has sent in.

Milkman's on mute right now.

Sounds familiar.

Think of us bunnies.

There were two liquor stores from last week.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Hmm.

You wouldn't.

Because you're slow.

No, I'm not slow.

I mean, I'm in Denver.

I work over there.

You wouldn't know because you're on dial-up.

Speaking of which, I'm kind of excited, Tuck.

I don't know if you heard, but DOCSIS 3.0 is finally being rolled out.

it's finally being rolled out by comcast it's a new i think it's new encryption or encoding or a

new platinum new way for uh the cable you know data to be transmitted new type of platform instead

of 2.0 goes to 3.0 in a process you end up with like fucking oh my god like speeds that are really

much better i think you can i think theoretically it tops out at 30 megs i could be wrong i could

Comcast started rolling it out at the beginning of the year, and apparently they're going to be hitting Orlando here in the next few weeks.

Looking at a likely increase in my bandwidth.

Hello? Hello? Yes. Yes, hello.

Yeah, this is Sam. What's up?

What?

Did it buy rain?

I'm not planning on it.

I'm going to Syria instead. I'm going to Syria instead. Syria, Syria.

Yeah, I'm going to Syria instead. I got mixed up.

I thought my sister said you were coming here.

No, no, no. I'm going to Syria. I canceled all those plans. I'm going to Syria.

I got a group of religious men. We're going to get together in Syria for a few weeks.

You want to come?

Man, you're Muslim.

Yeah, so?

You didn't tell me you were going to Syria.

Yeah, I'm going for some training in Syria.

But you're not in the military, man.

Well, not like official military, no.

You're not. You're not working in the military.

No, I'm answering to a higher calling, to a fatwa. It's just, you know.

Joe.

Oh, this is Joe, yeah. What's up?

What's my name? You saved my number, and you know me pretty well.

Yeah, that's fine.

So what's the big deal?

What, are you going to tell someone that I'm going to Syria?

What's the big deal?

I know where you live.

If something happens, I'm holding you responsible for it.

You understand?

So you make sure nothing happens to fucking Joe, okay?

Don't you tell anybody, you fuck.

All right?

I don't need shit from you.

I don't need shit from my parents.

You understand?

What are you talking about, man?

I'm going to Syria.

There's nothing you or my family or anybody else can do about it.

You understand?

But Joe never told me.

This is Joe.

This is the new Joe.

This is Joe 2.

Who the fuck is Joe?

Who is that?

Who the fuck is calling for Joe?

Who is that?

Where did you walk into there?

I don't know.

Some guy just called looking for Joe.

I had no fucking idea what that was about.

I'm like, all right, yeah.

Hey, yeah, sure.

I'm going to Syria.

Bahrain.

Fuck, why would I want to go to Bahrain for?

I guess.

Let me look up my received calls.

Let me see what that was.

There's a number from New Jersey.

I don't know.

Hello.

Some guy obviously has the wrong number. Coincidentally enough, he's calling a prank call show.

I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Yeah, I'm doing it now. Hang on, buddy. I'm calling...

Listen, what?

What a waste of my time and yours.

10.42 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That would make it 7.42 p.m. on the West Coast.

This is Madhouse Radio on its new night, Tuesday evenings.

Starting on your schedule here, Tuesday nights, 9 p.m. to 12 p.m.

Midnight Eastern Standard Time.

We're on cactiradio.com, of course,

and madhouselive.com, featured on 98.6 of the mail.

98.6 of the mail.

You should visit madhouselive.com and stay there.

just bookmark it and make it show up all the time

fucking put it on your desktop

fucking spam it

whatever

they're in Queensland, Australia

let's give them a call

asking for some Vegemite

hey listen, what's the deal

with your beverages there?

the beverages, dammit

the beverages, what do you mean?

yeah, they're kind of salty

yeah, I think maybe the women there are putting salt in the beverages

as a joke

no, no, no

No.

Who's the...

What did you get?

Huh?

No, this is here.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I got a soda over there.

It came out salty.

What are you doing to the beverages there?

What did you get here?

You know what?

What did you get here?

A little bit ago.

Listen.

What?

Yesterday.

Yeah, what did you get?

I had a soda.

Coke, Pepsi, I don't know whatever it is you got there, damn it.

I don't know.

All the drinks we have here come in bottles.

Yeah, but this...

Or cans.

But listen, what I think is going on, you're putting seawater and mixing it out to make

the soda last longer.

No, no, no.

Yeah.

Well, I had it analyzed.

I had it analyzed.

Well, you bring it back tomorrow.

No, no, listen, I'm already

at home. I'm in the United States

again. I flew back yesterday night.

You understand?

Right.

So I need you to send me

a credit via the computer, bitch.

It could happen.

What happened to your microphone? What was the deal?

What were you doing over there? Taking a shit?

I meant to, but this white boy was telling me to call his Asian friend

who never picked up the phone. So yes, I'm going to do

The one next

I just pasted in the fucker

It's pasted in dude

There's no way around it

I have to call it now

Fucking have to call it

Oh hell

We got some guy calling

Asking for Joe

Milkman

Did you hear that

Wow

Listen why'd you hang up the phone

You fresh woman

No I said I had to go

I'm busy

I'm sorry

No you didn't

You just hang up the phone

Who's

They'll put a man on the phone then

Yeah there's no man here

Is there another woman there

No

Do you want to ring back

On Friday morning

And the boss will be here

No you

I want you to send me

An electronic credit

Well, you'll have to speak to the boss about that, and he'll be here Friday morning, our Friday morning.

You know what the stupid problem is?

It's nothing but women working there, messing up everything, and putting stuff into the drinks.

Yeah, well, do you want to ring?

No, no, we don't make the drinks here.

We buy the drinks from a factory.

But you're putting something in these drinks.

You're doing something to them?

No, no.

Uh-huh.

Well, look, do you want to ring back on Friday morning and speak to the boss?

Is that the only man that works there is the boss?

Yes, he's the boss, and he'll be back on Friday morning.

Because I'm going to tell you...

He was here yesterday.

He was here yesterday, and he won't be back till Friday.

Well, that explains it.

You know why?

I had the sample analyzed, and you know what they told me was in it?

What was that?

Semen.

Like ejaculate.

Yeah, well, do you want to ring back on Friday morning?

Well, it was obviously him.

If he's the only man there, he obviously ejaculated in the bottles.

He won't be back here until Friday morning.

I will, but I need some information now.

Does he have any, you know, sexually transmitted diseases or anything that might have adjusted?

No.

Well, listen, I think you just have to speak to Scott about this, right, yeah?

Does he masturbate a lot there?

I have.

She has.

Apparently, she has.

She has masturbated there, everybody, but not him.

She's quite salty.

You can't hack the tactics of a semi-automatic full-wrapped romantic.

Apparently, Jack Masterson's got a salty drink.

salty drink salty drink okay let's see what else it's too fucking late now all right we

got about 10 minutes before we call iran try to book that room for the homo hotel

not yet

Aquarius Hotel, will you do that?

Those are all edited.

That show's been edited.

I got those calls.

Yeah, they're ready to go.

Well, Mr. Jake speaking.

Hey, Big Jake, how are you doing there, sir?

I'm good, thanks.

How are you?

Hey, listen, good.

I was in there earlier.

I dropped my wallet off.

I'm not concerned with the contents.

I have a small piece of foil in there.

A small piece of what, sir?

Foil.

Okay, I don't think we have wallets.

You have any foil?

I don't think we have any wallets that have been turned in.

Is there any pieces of foil?

laying around i had something i had pills i had i had pills inside the foil okay um whereabouts

did you have it it was in the restroom in the restroom in the toilet i was chopping out the

i chopped up the pills with a razor blade and i left it on the toilet seat they're just grabbing

the key now why is the bathroom so dirty anyway why is the bathroom so dirty why is the bathroom

so dirty why is it so dirty it was kind of dirty there in the bathroom i probably good as now it's

clean yet yeah it's pretty nasty the toilet a minute you did did you look behind the toilet

because I might have fallen on behind it.

Okay, I want you to get down on your hands and knees

and look behind the toilet.

I did that already.

No, do it now.

I want you to go.

I want to hear you get on your hands and knees right now.

No, I want you literally on your hands and knees.

Sorry, I'm not.

Tell you what, dude.

I want you to go back with the phone to the bathroom

and I want you to prove you're on your hands and knees.

He's trying to get him to do that.

He wasn't going to do that, was he?

No, he said he already did it that quick.

Yeah, right.

Bastard.

Liar guy.

Oh, he did not.

He's a fucking poop.

Fucking ass liar.

Man, you're fucking crazy.

You heard that?

You forget me?

I fucked last night with your mom?

You heard that?

That's on that episode from November 5th, and it's edited, but I haven't taken that.

I got to take that call out.

It was like a long banter, Carl.

It wasn't until the very end where they finally bit and got pissed off at me.

You like it?

Thank you.

Do that to you.

He's not going to be able to make it tonight either.

I'm making a complaint at the front desk again.

Anyway, so we got a lot of episodes ready to be uploaded here soon enough. They will be I'm quite excited about that

I really wish I knew what this old Joe thing was the person calling looking for Joe sad about right

Like a random call out of nowhere. I don't know where the fuck that came from Jesus Christ

Someone's sending me a text

Someone's sending me a text asking saying hey sexy sup sexy spelled s-e-x-i

This is a song called black shampoo

Let's call that homo hotel again, see what's up

Yes, hello, I would like to make a reservation

I was given assurances that I could call at this time and make reservations, dammit

Listen, listen

Yes, reservations please

Okay, listen to me, sir

I want to have a reservation

I'm going to stay there with myself and a woman who I'm not married with

And then a homosexual man also

I'm calling from Chicago

I'm coming to Iran, yeah

Tomorrow?

May I ask you to send me an email?

We have rooms available, sir. No problem.

You're not Iranian?

My colleagues will not check your documents.

She's a married woman from Iran.

She's a girl who is with you is not Iranian?

No, she is.

She is Iranian.

Uh-huh.

Unfortunately, we cannot accept you.

Why not?

Because of the hotel regulations.

What are the regulations?

That I can't be with a woman?

What do you mean?

No, unfortunately.

Why not?

Because of the hotel regulations policy.

What is the policy?

What is the problem?

You should have the marriage documents.

They will check.

The police will check your documents.

What police?

It's forbidden.

What police?

Iranian police.

No, you don't call the police.

It's between me and you.

I'll give you United States dollars.

I'll give you money.

No.

Listen, do you want citizenship?

American citizenship?

I'll give it to you.

I'll let you marry me.

No problem with American citizenship, but when you bring an Iranian girl, if your girlfriend

was American also, it was no problem.

But because she's Iranian, there's no name of you in her document, so it's the problem.

But she's married to an Iranian man.

The man is not you.

Yeah, I know.

Check your document.

Yeah, he's an asshole. I don't care for him.

Here is Iran, and here has their regulations, and it's forbidden to bring a woman that's not your wife.

Well, what are they going to do? Are they going to chop my hand off or something?

I cannot help you.

You don't know what they'll do? Will they hurt me? Will they put me in jail?

If you arrive here, my police will not give you the room.

Listen, I'll fight every single one of the police one by one by myself.

One by one like a man. You understand?

You can come yourself and have a room for yourself.

And also your women can have another room.

Okay, but can she stay the night in my room just for sex?

And then go back to her room after?

Would you please call to the reception?

No, no. They sent me to you.

I cannot help you, sir.

Okay, let me ask you this.

Do you show your hair?

Can I see your hair?

I want to see your hair on your neck.

It is forbidden, everybody.

It is indeed forbidden.

The police will come for you.

The police will come for me.

Nina sent me an article.

Apparently in Malaysia, there was a big crackdown on New Year's Eve in hotel rooms with people who were, if they were Muslim,

They checked their documents just like she was saying if they were not married and they were sleeping together in the same hotel room

They got like a huge fine

Imagine that

They circumcised her vagina

Gave her a clitoral circumcision

Like quite literally

A clitotomy

Clitorectomy

Alright Nindoo's asking me to call from the phone administration

Good idea

Execute them. Execute them.

Who was it that took their phone off the hook that was funny?

Randy Dandy. Let's call that Randy Dandy.

This song goes out to Artie Lang.

Yeah, hi. Listen, we got off to the wrong foot earlier tonight.

I just want to apologize for my attitude and the way I was with you.

hard to forgive me yeah good and that's what could yes click yes click yes that was i was

getting ready to make my move so talk man did you have you heard the last two two days of the

stern show already didn't make it he was in the hospital you think it was an overdose or a suicide

attempt what's your take on the whole situation man that uh you know as much or maybe even more

party night, dude, to be honest with you.

Party party. Poor Artie Lang.

Baby Gorilla's dead. Like a dumbass,

I took a blunt wrap out of the package here because

I was filling with stuff and it dried out and I had to throw it away.

What a racist blunt wrap.

I was looking for that. You were

mentioning there was footage of him

on the air,

on camera.

But I can't find it anywhere.

It's taken down. They probably took

it down. I don't know.

Let me try 50 Cent.

R.D. Lang.

All right.

There's, like, the audio of the actual Howard TV stuff is gone.

Yeah, I saw it.

Someone put up a clip of it in the SternFatNetwork forums.

Which, see, Howard got pissed off and tired of fucking, over the weekend, I guess,

over the holiday break, he was going to SternFatNetwork.

I saw how negative people are and fucking shit and all the shit they talk in there.

Yeah, I heard him talk about that.

And he's true.

Yeah, it is fucking true.

It's a horrible place to go.

Yeah, it's so, I'd never, I've had a username there since like 2004, I think, and I never

fucking post, because it's, you see like a person posting, they get chewed out for like

two pages, made fun of, because they've made a valid point, it's just fucking negative.

I only go there just to read the Howard Stern related news, I only go there now whenever

something happens, like Artie, you know, I go there to see what people are saying, what

information, if I miss the show.

God, I haven't been there in maybe two years.

Yeah, it's just such a fucking negative fucking place.

I don't know if I ever started talking about it.

I remember when I went, when you sign up, there's like a filter on it.

So you have to post so many times or actions in the site.

You had to post 30 times in 30 days to be able to post normal or to post more than an hour.

It took me like two years to get to the point where I had posted enough.

Pitchduck says he got banned from SFN for calling Jessica Hahn an annoying cunt.

Yeah, I got banned.

I was in the IRC chat for Leo Laporte's fucking twit.

You know, the fucking podcast he does on Sundays.

I was in there and I forgot what I said.

Yeah, Leo was playing rap music, right?

And then one of them was a Missy Elliott song.

That's the only thing I haven't heard in a while.

yeah well he was doing a missy elliott playing a missy elliott song and the song is like it has

a point where he goes nigga and i started laughing and i literally typed lol i typed lol space n i

star star star star star and leo that's crazy and the guy the guy kicked me he kicked me out of the

chat room his fucking op says oh yeah fucker and i went back in and i private messaged the op and

i said watch it like you fucking watch it and he goes wave goodbye and i said fuck you and then

and he banned me, and I'm banned from the NRC chat.

I'm such a badass.

Yeah, you can say whatever you want in my chat.

If you're not actively, like, crashing the room

or really being an annoying asshole,

you're not going to get banned or kicked, really, in our chat room.

I can give a shit.

You can say whatever you want.

You can say anti-Carlito stuff all you want.

We haven't really had much of a trouble with spamming and blaming.

Yeah, because I keep it very laissez-faire in there,

I keep it very laissez-faire.

I think people just do their thing.

I think it polices itself.

You ask me?

RBC, we need to get fans.

Nigga!

That really pissed me off.

Carlito has a fat head.

Thank you, Buzzer.

Thank you.

Thank you for being so positive.

Yes, I do have a big head.

You know what they say about big heads?

Big hands.

You gotta put that hat back on her, man.

You gotta get out the Captain and Tennille hat, dude.

Man, I'm kidding.

Alright, let's stop talking so much and start doing pranking so much.

Republic of Ireland, Christopher Wicks, aka Biggie Smalls, coming up.

Okay, you're good?

Not about it, yeah.

Yeah? You lose a little weight? You lose a little weight?

Yeah.

Listen, I heard you were making blasphemous comments about our Virgin Mother, Mary.

Well, I have a report here that you made blasphemous comments about the Virgin Mary being promiscuous with other men.

Well, how do you plead these charges now?

I'm going to report you to the diocese.

Hmm?

Do you go to church? Do you take communion?

Yeah, you do?

I don't think you should, uh, maybe you shouldn't take communion in church anymore, okay?

Well, how are you? Who is this?

Listen, your husband was making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary.

Tell your boss to go back to bed and go to sleep.

Why don't you shut up?

He's got a point, though.

I could do that.

Go back to bed and go to sleep.

Christopher Wallace.

That's awesome, guys.

If you want to give out my...

Someone give out the manhouse number, the manhouse line,

in an adult chat room, I think someone was saying.

That's funny because I got a fucking text from somebody like,

Hey, sexy, what's up?

Someone in Wisconsin.

Phillips, Wisconsin.

Let's give them a call.

Whoever did that, I'm trying to roll up here and see what that was about.

out tell me what chat room i think i'm gonna call back as as the husband or the dad yeah let us give

me some info on that i'm gonna call this guy back who texted me tell me what my name what the chick's

name was supposed to be etc etc see if i get that that's a good idea we should get people to go adult

chat rooms say hey this is a sexy one two three call me my phone number text me you text me i'll

I'll text you back my pics.

This is Sexy Jack Masterson.

Sexy.

This is Halloween Vagina the color.

Halloween Vagina.

Where is Hollywood Vagina?

Bastard.

He was on AOL earlier, and he's not anymore.

Man of a Thousand Voices.

Then we'll call the other one from Lonesome Loser.

From

the United States Phone Administration,

I need to confirm your phone number, please, if you could.

Well, again, just repeat that.

88417, right?

Yeah.

All right, because your phone is not coming up calibrated correctly.

It's crossing a line over here in Chicago.

I don't know what that means.

Can you dial pound 6-2 on your phone to calibrate the phone again?

It'll clear up the line.

Pound 6-2?

Yeah.

Is that all?

I mean, it's 4 o'clock.

Is it?

Yeah.

Imagine that.

I'm sorry to bother you, but yeah, pound 6-2,

and then come back and we'll make sure it's calibrated.

What the hell has this got to do with anything?

Well, your phone is incorrectly calibrated.

It's crossing over.

It's bleeding over to a line on another interface in Chicago

and one of the phone routers.

I know where you sell your phone from,

but I don't understand why you're phoning.

Oh, I had to confirm your phone number.

I need you to calibrate it by dialing that code, pound 6-2.

Hopefully it's going to do that.

Tell him if he doesn't,

it's going to continue to make you an ass full of charges on his number.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, did you do that?

Yeah.

That's good.

That means that my phone bill is going to be collected to your account now.

You're going to pay for my phone calls tonight.

Terrific. Have a nice call.

You accepted the phone charges now.

Thank you.

I'm going to make calls now, international calls.

Whatever.

They used to say that was a scam going around.

You get a call from someone in a jail, and they'll tell you to dial a code.

And if you do it, they'll be able to call collect all day or whatever they want.

I never bought that.

That was bullshit.

My mom got that.

Someone told her that.

I told her to stop being stupid and listen to Puerto Ricans spreading around half-truths.

Jesus Christ.

11.21 p.m. Eastern, 8.21 p.m. on the West Coast.

It's January the 5th.

Madhouse Radio moving to Tuesday nights.

We'll be signing off here in about 40 minutes or so.

After that, the phone show will be live on Cacti Radio where we're on tonight.

And, of course, we're also over at Madhouse Radio, madhouselive.com.

Get stuffed by the cacti

On the radio

Going all big

Get stuffed by the cacti

Why are you whispering like that?

Hello?

This is Carrie

Carrie

Carrie hung up already

That's a good question

Why is she whispering like that?

Let me call her back

She thought if she answered quietly

To talk to her boyfriend

Her husband wouldn't hear

Cuckold

The cost of this call is

Two cents per minute

You know Milkman

A man is being cheated on

It's called a cuckold

to learn something every day in the show.

And she put the cock-hold on him, huh?

Who is this?

Yeah, this is Valente.

I'm calling from the United States Foreign Administration.

Is this Carrie?

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, Carrie, I got a report that Sean was making

blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary.

I'm calling on behalf of the diocese.

I feel like getting a call at, what, 4.30 in the morning?

Just waking him up 4.30 in the morning.

Yeah, I'm making blasphemous statements.

Are you awake?

I'm not biting.

Good.

Thank you.

I'm just playing Wu-Tang Clan songs.

I don't know what's good and what's not.

I'm just hitting him.

Yeah, it's been Wu-Tang all night.

I just typed in Wu-Tang, loaded every single Wu-Tang call.

Wu-Tang song.

I've got 100...

How many do I got?

195 Wu-Tang tracks.

I got the whole discography.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Because they all branched out, and I got all that shit.

I got some that's not, but...

RBC reporting.

RBCP reporting.

I want some people over in the PLA chatroom.

Yeah, they have their yeah, I should have joined their fucking chat room. I bet right now. Fuck

Plan on this Joan. I didn't plan this and I don't expect you to bring this on me either. You understand

Oh, I didn't plan this

I didn't plan for this to happen and I don't expect you to bring this on me either like you are woman with you

You you're you've got people over there who are making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary

And I'm calling to tell you you do not make these statements you understand

You made blasphemous

Are you mental?

No, I'm American.

I know, I can hear you're American, but are you mental ringing here?

I shall call the police.

You will do no such thing.

I will.

I command you not to under the name of the United States of America laws.

Oh.

Look, I'll speak to my police first before you go around calling,

making half-truths about me and the Virgin Mary or Blessed Mother.

You understand?

Joni, you're full of piss and vinegar.

Right from the beginning, right from the get-go, she's like,

Listen, what's with the woman there talking rude to the men on the phone with smart with the mouth?

What do you want? What can we do to help you?

I've got a complaint that your people are making blasphemous comments about the Virgin Mary.

Um, I really don't understand what this telephone call's about.

Well, someone over there is making blasphemous statements.

What's he talking about?

Blasphemy, sir.

Who's calling?

Huh?

Joan Wilson. I have her on record here making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary and the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church?

Yes. You're a Catholic, aren't you not?

No, sir. I am not a Catholic.

Even worse, then. You're making statements about a church that you don't even belong to.

Who are you to make judgment against the Catholics?

I don't make judgment against anybody.

Well, your wife is making blasphemous statements about Catholics.

Oh, don't be silly. Of course she isn't.

No, I have recordings and records and IP addresses here and everything.

I don't know what this is about. I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I'm calling to inform you.

You're not talking sense.

Well, I'm calling you from the United States of America.

And I'm here to inform you that I'm placing a lawsuit on you,

and I need you to tell me how do you plead, guilty or not guilty, of making blasphemous statements.

Not guilty.

Guilty?

All right, I've got you down for guilty then.

All right, that's an admission of guilt.

Look, are you not listening to me?

No, I did.

You said guilty.

No, I did not guilty.

Yeah, but you...

I don't propose to talk anymore.

You're not listening to me.

I am.

You're talking to me from America.

Uh-huh.

Look, this is not...

If you ring again, I'm serious.

If you ring again, I shall have you traced.

If you know what's good for you...

No, I could...

I could care less what time it is over there.

Don't you dare call the police.

If you know...

If you know what's good for you, you will not...

If you know what's good for you, you won't call the police.

Yeah.

seven five nine oh damn it you heard they got my eyes darn it she got one she went to that

cola i day the british police are on the thing cool in the jack mattresses

with the big stick guess what i got a gun all right i'm american apparently apple's got some

big new product dude that's coming out uh talk i don't know if you read about i know you're a big

mac fan you're a fan boy you're a mac owner yourself uh the rumors point in the direction

I guess they reserve that place they always reserve for their big product rollout announcements for the 24th or the 27th of the month.

And all the rumors say that it's a tablet that's coming out, the iSlave or the iTablet or something ridiculous like that.

A tablet Mac, if you understand.

It's supposed to be the whole big thing that's going to revolutionize everything.

Oh, my God.

I can't wait to get one of those.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Fuck that.

I'm going to be happy with my Nexus One, though.

my new android phone

probably

yeah that's true

imagine that

what's the point

of having no blue screen

if you can't do shit

when it isn't giving you

a blue screen

fucker

Zolar checking in

Big Zolar

host of Zolar Party Nation

well he retired

tired i was talking about that before i think zolar is out of the prank uh the prank live

live prank show game but i think he's still pushing his pranks and stuff like that on the

side etc etc the zola zola nator tell zolar to call in man call in zolar call in and make a report

you're mad out milkman you just told him yourself you fuck good work good point you just

zola if you want to call in you better make it quick let me know i'll keep the line free

Ow.

I bet you that'd be a shit right now if I could find my old Apple Newton.

My dad had an Apple Newton once.

Zolar asking what the word is.

What's the word?

Thunderbird, sir.

Thunderbird.

Thank you.

Seven.

Five.

Nine.

Hello.

What the fuck was that?

Did the call go out or was that someone trying to call back and trace me?

That's interesting.

Let's try it again.

Jen in Altamont Springs.

That's my favorite mall, Big Jen.

Favorite mall is the Altamont Springs mall.

I don't give a fuck what you say.

What's going on?

Who's making all the noises with the phone over there, huh?

I called in earlier.

Someone was mashing buttons on the phone.

What's that about?

No, someone was over there mashing numbers on the phone without permission,

so I want to know what that's about.

See, I want to know exactly.

No, no, no.

What are you doing there?

Just tell.

Yeah, I'll tell you.

Okay, I need room service.

Room?

No, no, services.

Yes.

Yeah, I want some bacon.

No, no, listen.

You can't ask about this.

Listen, stupid.

I got a room already.

I need you to come bring me some bacon.

Right now.

No, I'm in a room already.

I'm just not paying for it.

You don't know it, but I'm in there.

Yeah, I do.

Right now, at this moment.

No, I'm there now.

I'm staying in the room right now, but I'm not paying for squatting in the room.

I'm not paying for it.

Are you?

Yeah, but I'm not paying for the hotel room.

I don't...

I'm saying I'm one of the rooms already.

I'm in the...

I'm staying now.

But what's your number?

Huh?

What's your room number?

Twelve.

Yeah.

One twelve?

Yeah.

What numbers you got?

Numbers.

I'll tell you which one is mine.

I heard a big beep on the phone there for a second.

That's the way to work it here, mano.

I think the DHS was tapping into the services there, the phone services.

Oh, no, the Department of Foreign Hackers.

Hey, Zola wants to know what number he's supposed to call in on.

Call the mouth line.

407-459-4534.

You know the Zolar.

No, he doesn't.

There you go, good one.

Holding the line for Zolar.

Let me look outside and make sure those aren't cops showing up.

It's happened before, fuckers.

It's happened before.

We got a number in Italy.

Presuming she speaks the English.

Got 22 minutes left of show.

After that, it'll be midnight, and Big RBCP will be taking over.

This is Madhouse Radio.

Needed mentioning, Egypt would be a good place to order bacon,

because they killed all the pigs belonging to the Christians.

I heard about that. That's bullshit, too, man.

Zohar, what's going on, man? How you doing, brother?

Good deal, man. What'd you get for Christmas?

I had the Santa Claus treat you.

Speaking to you on it, actually, it's the mobile, the MyTouch.

Oh, you got the MyTouch?

Sounds good.

yeah being that i was yeah being that i was eligible for the up 400 you got oh you got

ripped off for the my touch that's not that good of a phone you should have waited for the the

nexus one comes came out today man today i know i got i got this like about a week before or two

weeks before christmas and i needed to have and i was using that razor fuck that man well you know

what um when i wanted to get my g1 i was locked into contract with another phone i just added a

second line all they did was charge me an extra 10 bucks a month and i got to get yeah they screwed

me totally they were like well you're gonna need a media plan and if you want to get the internet

and you know so my economical rates but again i don't pay it so there you go good deal dude you

gotta you gotta root your uh my touch man you gotta get root access on it bro i'll send

you some links you can open that up yeah i don't know anything about that so you'll have

to send me some intel on what that means and everything because right now i'm just patients

like Russian Roulette and Light Racer and stupid shit like that.

Right, dude, yeah, there's a lot of apps out there, man.

I'll get with you.

Hey, I got a site.

I got a site for you to go to get the paid apps,

the ones you got to pay for, the games and the good shit.

You can get it for free.

And full versions instead of light versions.

They're like, you know, copies.

Not copies, but it's like, yeah.

Anybody wants to send me suggestions, you know there's Zolar for them,

and I'll be very grateful for any free stuff that I can do on my phone

because it's fucking awesome.

Fuck, so, dude, we're going to do a prank call here with him.

I'm getting ready to wrap things up here.

We've got about 20 more minutes before the next show takes over.

But I want to ask you, before we get to a prank call,

so you've retired the Party Nation.

The Solar Vision is off air indefinitely at this point.

You're just going to be doing, like, prank calls here and there,

releasing stuff?

What's the deal?

Well, you know, I'm just going through the archives

and pulling out the gems that were there

and tightening up some audio and stuff on YouTube.

But now I'm not able to do a show because, like, you know,

I'm all, you know, caught up in too much trouble.

And you missed it.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Well, keep us posted.

So whenever you decide to bring your show back, you let me know.

Make sure all my listeners know that you're coming back, because it's a good damn show, man.

Well, we started together and all that back in the day, back in that old PCU shit.

Yeah, man.

We're fucking like old schoolers.

Yeah, hell yeah, man.

All right, I got a lady in Italy.

I don't know how much English she speaks.

Her name is Adriana.

What else we got here?

We got some Irish people that we called earlier.

We could bother again.

I'd like to try Adriana.

Adriana, her name is Adriana.

You know, as I said, she's in Rome, Italy, or as they call it, Roma, and here we are.

All right, don't go anywhere, Zolar. Everyone stay tuned. Zolar is coming up.

Yeah, Zolar, back on the air. Stay tuned.

It was quite interesting to see that when I call internationally, it does show up in the caller ID.

I was wondering how it showed up for them on the other side.

It does show the 407. Yeah, that was funny.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Adriana. My love, how are you?

Hey, Adriana, how are you?

Da dove chiami?

This is a Tony, a Tony Bofaco, you know me?

No, no, non ti conosco.

Tony Bofaco, I put it in your anus that day.

You say, oh, mi amore, Tonito.

No, no, io non ti conosco.

Da dove chiami?

You're my bici?

Come?

Hey, you're my bici.

Da dove chiami?

I was following it.

Yeah, she was like, where are you calling from and shit.

You know, I heard that.

And you were saying, go, what did you say, suck my dick, bitch?

No, I called her a whore.

I said that she could lick on my balls.

Butana is a whore.

Oh, okay.

And I don't know any Spanish.

I wasn't able to do much of the translation there.

I might have been able to say, you know, America or something.

Right.

Yeah, you did pretty good.

Yeah, she kept her up for a little while there.

It's kind of weird.

I could understand and know my Spanish as I do.

I was actually able to follow it.

Before we do the next call, Zorlar, what are your thoughts?

What's it do with Artie?

I know you listen to Howard every once in a while.

Well, I'm sure you do.

I mean, do you think he's gone for sure?

Is it official?

I haven't caught much of it, of the whole, you know.

As far as I can tell from being on the Outskirt show,

not able to listen as much as I used to and stuff like that,

you know, he's all fucked up on drugs.

Management had asked him to take extended leave,

but he hasn't gotten any better.

And that he just most recently admitted himself to the hospital,

unbeknownst to reasons, and no real leak.

You are, Carlito.

Right.

Well, hopefully it wasn't, like some people say,

it was an attempt at his life.

He's done it before.

etc. Hopefully not that. Maybe just trying

to get help. Hopefully is what I'm hoping for. The best for

Big Artie. Big Fat Artie. And hopefully he comes

back on the show. Yeah. Me too.

And listen, you got a great show and I'll be able

to let you know as soon as I'm able to get back

on the air. You'll be the first one to break the Zola

news. And I appreciate you

letting me try to fucking warm myself up with a

prank after all these weeks. And I'm

going to run because I got something to do.

Go handle your manly duties, dude.

Thanks for calling in. Don't be a stranger. Call anytime, man.

Thanks for having me. Alright. There you go.

involved in a nice little 69 with a cougar lady in chicago yeah woke up this morning smoked some

sticky green to get me started and that's the story of my life everybody hey we got one more

number coming in from uh in egypt i think this will be a first for us calling the republic of

egypt i heard that you had a voicemail on your thing here a minute ago did i really yeah i said

one then you hung up let me see when i hung up let me look at my voicemail let me go to my inbox

box here buddy let me see holy crap i'm getting a bunch of messages here holy shit all right look

i'm looking at hey listen i got messages i got texts all over one from charlotte someone says

hi manchester new hampshire hey this is ladies man the best boy uh vidalia georgia yo from the chat

the situation ellsworth kansas what's up really got what's up really got text lol uh someone left

the voicemail here

and from Utah.

Two seconds long,

nothing.

Someone asked

if this is Becky

in Carthage, Texas.

Yeah, wow,

there's a lot of people

texting me from this adult site.

Who is it?

Yeah, there's an adult site

that's going fucking crazy.

Oh, the adult site thing.

Yeah, I told them,

yeah, go ahead

and spam out the number.

Let me respond

to these people here.

What is the site exactly?

I don't know.

I forgot who's doing it anyway.

Also, who's the person

that was doing this for us?

Let me know.

adult friend finder or whatever the fuck is it adult friend finder buzzard's doing it no it was

buzzard is doing it okay cool i'm gonna i'm gonna text them all with the same thing hey let's see

hey sexy what would a girl say hey sexy yeah why a it's asl becky no are you alone hey i'm sending

hey sexy yeah it's becky are you alone all right i'm gonna text that to all these people here using

in google voice god you gotta love google voice now now we're doing this shit now we're getting

random men that this is like fucking this is fucking that's all right send that to everybody

hey sexy yeah it's becky are you alone let's see if we get any bites on that for the show

ends here 13 minutes left are you texting yeah the google voice sms yeah they're texting they're

texting me thinking it's my cell phone they think it's becky's cell phone so i'm thinking what i can

do here is after a little bit call back as becky's boyfriend or call back say yeah this is

Or I could just give these numbers out

Oh man

Beautiful

Alright let's wait a little bit

See if those bite

In the meantime we get a call

Yeah true

That's a good idea

We gotta follow up with that

With more time

Good idea Buzzer

Hell yeah

Just give out the 407 number

Anywhere you are

Alright guys

Let me call Egypt

What is this again

The Maverick

No

The Resort Alamein

In Alamein, Egypt

Alamein

Combined networks

Hello

Hello donkey

Yes

Yes this is the donkey man

Listen

Yes listen

I'm waiting for my ride

Wife

No yeah my wife

No no

That's your phone number

No listen

I was there

And there's another man

Sleeping with my wife

Yes

I want you to call the police

And have them sent to room 112

Immediately

And break it up

112

What do you mean

My wife ran off to Egypt

In Egypt

Yes

And she's having sex

In your hotel

With another man

And she's my wife

this is forbidden okay thank you yes my wife name is Virginia she's staying with

another man Virginia she's staying with another man

Virginia?

Yes, Virginia.

Virginia.

I will...

Just...

Are you...

I'm fresh now in our...

In my system?

I don't know that.

I don't...

She's under her...

It's under the man's name.

I don't know his name.

If she's in our...

We have her password.

Her password?

Yes.

I have...

I'm sure we have the name.

Okay.

Well, listen, look...

If she's...

She's having sex with another man.

You understand?

This is my wife.

Yes, sir.

I can...

I understand.

I need you to go to room 12 immediately and take them out by the hair.

And call the Republican Guard immediately.

There is no number room. It's 12.

1-12.

1-12?

Yes.

No, no, no.

What are the room numbers like?

We have from 20 to 30.

22 then.

22?

Yes. Go in there immediately and bring them out and ask them what is going on.

My wife is there with another man.

Hurry.

Come down. Come down.

no no they're having sex right now you need to stop it please please I beg of

you and from one man to another in the name of God this man who is having sex

with my wife yes knock on the door since I would never knock on the door

Virginia. The second name?

Virginia Valente.

I'm looking for the right one, the right room number.

Yes.

What does this mean? Her name is Virginia what?

Valente.

Valente?

Yes.

V-A-L-E-N-T?

Yes, that's right.

It's Italian or American or what?

I think she's Italian.

Italian.

Yes.

Valente is V-A-L-E-N-T.

Yes, yes, that's right. Hurry, please. You have to stop her.

Listen, if she gets pregnant, I'm blaming you. I'm blaming you.

It's 22. She called me from room 22. She said the man was having sex with her at number 22.

I'm on my way to the airport to fly over there to take care of her.

You understand? I'm going to take stones and throw them at her.

Yes, sir. Come now. I'm going Monday.

No, but stop her. I won't be there till tomorrow. You need to stop her now. Stop the sex. Stop it. Please.

I don't know the room number.

22.

I don't.

Go to room 22.

No, me. I can't break the room with permission from anyone. And this name is not in the room.

She's using fake papers. Fake papers!

Okay, sir. I'm trying to fish. I work all I can to you. I'll do my best.

You do your best.

I'll do my best.

Hurry up. Break it up.

I'll come.

Yes.

Okay, sir.

Okay, I'll see you there. Bye.

Enough of that. It's too expensive, and we've got to wrap it up here. It's midnight, just about. We're about five minutes away from quitting time.

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ. All right. So I was trying to hopefully get in a break in room 22.

Johnny, how's my life?

Don't do that again.

don't do that again

alright, no, that's right, whenever you say don't do something again

I will not do it again, you're right

alright, Milkman, take us out of here quickly, sir

quickly

thank you all for joining us right here

in Best Right

every Tuesday

9pm Eastern Time

and on this time slot, right here on our network

with all brothers and sisters and friends

at CACSAT

Radio

and stay tuned for an upcoming great program

right here on Tech Day Radio.

I'd like to thank you, Carlito, Ellie,

Lifey, Loaf and Loser,

our special numbers hitman.

Without you, we couldn't do it without you.

God bless you.

Nunu, that's right, our UK...

What's all these numbers?

Wait a minute, dude.

I copy-pasted the stuff from the adult site.

One of the guys said he's 15.

This guy's like, I'm 15, by the way.

I gave you all the phone numbers there.

Have fun with it, guys.

That's right.

Come to our channel.

If you're already playing, they are hot.

Sir Nunu, our representative from the U.K.,

I'd like to thank you also for joining us.

MST3 Clay, another wonderful artist,

a U.K. world-renowned artist, extraordinary.

Thank you so much.

Zolar, lost but not forgotten.

Yes, that's right.

Returns in action for an exclusive tonight, right here at the Madhouse.

That's right.

Don't ever miss out again.

We love you all.

That's right.

Everybody, we do this for you.

We drop the dime.

We only ask that you drop the time, man.

Bring your friends.

Better yet, bring your enemies.

Also, I'd like to thank Mr. Big Tuck, our artist extraordinaire, right here, official.

And also, with you, Mr. Carlito, Hermanito, Generalissimo, all the Madhouse.

what could we do without you

God bless you

and thank you so much

thank you so much for having us on Air Mono

TuckerMike.com

be sure to visit TuckerMike.com

I am Carlito

our website is MadhouseLive.com

be sure to stay tuned for the phone show

on Cacti Radio

thanks for having us guys

our first Tuesday night

the first of many

it was fun

we had a lot of fun

there we go

I'm sending this

love and kisses BJ

I sent you that number there

Brandy Dandy was the name of that angry black lady

I sent it to RBCP there

go for it on your show if you want to

alright we're out of here

he claims that he's in North Carolina

even though he does

post artwork in the UK

there you go alright we're out of here

we'll catch you next week

thank you oh jesus i know right the big guy big famous man 98.6

Calls (24, 56 min of 2 h 5 min)

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