The Malaka Show

Listen, I'm not going to let this go.

Are you extorting?

This guy is trying to extort money out of me right now.

Can you hear me?

Did you hear?

So who's playing with you, buddy?

Malacca means masturbator.

Oh, my God.

Or a stupor.

He said that to me in front of me.

If he means it, you know, that's what he means.

But if he doesn't, it's an everyday thing that we say in Malacca, we say to everybody.

You have a reservation in Saloniki, in a hotel in Saloniki.

You are now in France, and you want to send taxi from Saloniki to France to get you from the airport?

Damn it, you better do it.

Okay.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

It's a shit, everybody.

On the air, it must be Madhouse Radio.

It must be Madhouse Radio, Milkman, you stupid shit.

How are you doing tonight?

Good.

Good, I'm glad to see you.

You were gone for so long.

Milkman, no one even asked, no one even wondered where you were.

People weren't even curious.

It was the weirdest thing, though.

Yeah, I'm just saying.

I'm not trying to sound like an asshole, but no one really cares.

Sir, it's okay.

You were missing.

We're much appreciative that you're back.

A lot of people listening tonight.

I want to thank all of you, especially those who are contributing tonight in the name of Madhouse Radio to Haiti.

You should text that number, 990-999-999.

How does that work?

Does that come out of your phone bill?

Because I'm thinking about going around and just...

Yeah, it just comes off your phone bill.

Every time I got a friend who loses her cell phone around, I'm going to text Haiti that number just to fuck with them.

Just to make them, just to make them.

I encourage everybody to do that right now.

Anybody who has a cell phone just sitting around, if you catch them,

as punishment for leaving their cell phone open and sitting around,

grab it and text, what is that number?

90999? Isn't that what it is?

What if I texted that from my Google line?

I wonder what would happen.

Anyway, hey, everybody.

It's 10.04 p.m.

We're starting an hour later than we are aimed to schedule nowadays.

Yeah.

9 p.m.

We have a full lunch tonight.

All right, you've got cocaine in the house.

I've got a full load.

All right, thanks for that.

Ask the pez, ask him where the hat is.

Yeah, where is the hat?

Yeah, Milkman, we found it.

I don't know if I told you last week, but I found the pranking hat.

It was missing for months and months, months on end.

Where did you find it?

Did the cats have it?

It was in the, yeah, it was behind the litter box, I kid you not.

Behind the litter box in the laundry room, but they rarely use that litter box.

Yeah, we have two cats and three litter boxes.

We have a whole system of catification and urination cleanliness

and backup redundant systems to make sure that, you know,

You know, the cats can shit whenever they need to and drink whenever they need to.

Nice fresh water.

They drink and they eat and shit better than I do, milkman.

Fuck.

All right, everybody.

Lonesome Loser's in the house and he's sending him a bunch of numbers.

We were talking about that damn Super Bowl.

Fucking, and I knew this about two, three, well, about three or four weeks into the season,

I had a general idea.

I said it would be ass if it wasn't the Colts versus the Saints

because they're the only two teams playing their asses off, you know,

like they did for the whole season.

Colts and Saints.

I was kind of happy, and I hate to say it, Milkman,

I used to hate the Colts because you were a fan of them.

But on my fantasy football team, my quarterback was Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning was my quarterback and also had Joseph Adai.

So I got to say, I guess I'm going to support the Colts.

I wouldn't mind if the Saints won, though.

That would be kind of nice.

If the Saints win, it's going to be well worth it.

I mean, they played their asses off this season, too.

Jeremy Shockey was on my fantasy football team

He didn't really do that

Hey everybody, that's Milkman's theme song

I guess Nunu sent that in a few weeks ago

And I finally found it

Milkman, what have you brought in today?

Oh, that's so precious

All my fans

I love you

Okay, that's enough of that

this is all milkman's kids all right that's nice all right listen kids look we got seriously um

stop singing we have the goldfish pacific kitchen gimpy's garbage removal yard care and commercial

cleaning gimpy's towing hobo junction mark of the vampire tattoos mr t's liquor fool red robin

america's gourmet burgers and spirits what red robin america's gourmet burgers and spirits that's

That's a handful.

That's a mouthful right there.

That's a whole mouthful of titty.

Captain Don's Liquor, 7th Heaven Liquor Market, Cool Cafe, and the Cool Caress Greek Grill.

I'm feeling a fucking malacca call.

What do you say, Milkman?

I always start off the show with a good call for a nice order of some fresh malacca.

Huh?

Good.

Kokanee, good for you, man.

Good on you.

Welcome back.

Kokanee helped out with a lot of episodes recently, and we haven't actually touched

any in quite some time.

We still have to edit those December shows and those January calls.

All of those are still left.

Then we'll be caught up.

But again, here we are another week and I haven't updated the podcast.

We're almost there, Milkman.

I'm starting to slack again.

We've got big news also, Milkman, at the 11 p.m. hour.

Meantime, here's the first prank of the night.

You missed my order again, sir.

I ordered a goddamn lamb and rice in the Malacca.

I don't know what the hell this is.

Damn, lamb and rice and a side of malacca.

And what you ended up giving me is, like, this lasagna and some, like, phyllo dough with honey.

Order that.

What's with the man that doesn't speak English well?

He's the owner of the restaurant.

Oh, yeah?

Can you put him back on?

Because I'd rather talk to a man than a woman.

I'm sorry.

I'm the co-owner.

Yeah, but I'll speak to the man.

That's okay.

The man of the house.

He doesn't want to talk to a woman.

No, I don't like to speak to women.

This is a complaint, and you're probably the one that messed it up because you took the order wrong, probably.

Or you gave it wrong to the black man in the back.

He's my husband.

Go ahead.

Listen, are those Greek people in the back making the food, or are they Mexican?

What do you need?

I want to make a complaint about the order that's messed up, and I want a free new order.

Okay, it's not, it's not, you know, the ones that...

No, no, no.

Listen, I got it written down here in my paper.

Okay, can I...

What do you expect me to do?

Come down there so you can threaten me like you're doing now on the phone?

Imagine in person how you're going to treat me.

I do what?

You're, like, threatening me and being rude.

I did?

You're kind of mean, sir.

And you're threatening me

I apologize

You're gonna hurt me

Are you gonna hurt me

When I go down

I am

Well sounds like it

You're aggressive

Why

What

Hang on folks

We're coming back

The aggressive grief

They all sound like that

Ask Andy

He was at my wedding

I'll tell you

Listen

Why'd you hang up the phone

I didn't

The woman took the phone

And hung it up again

I am the woman

I didn't hang it up on you

Oh hi honey

Now I will hang up

No what's his name

Marcos Petros

Let's call him back

She's like brainwashed.

I'm kind of like that right now, too.

I'm very tired.

I'm going to bring the paper down, and we're going to talk like men and get this taken care of.

Listen.

Go ahead.

Okay.

I'm going to cancel the credit card transaction.

I'm going to call my bank, but then I want you to give me the money back, too.

Call my bank when he's not as busy.

Aaron, we're busy.

Please.

Hold on.

Donkey.

Pardon me?

The donkey.

Donkey over there.

What's his name?

Why don't you just get off it and go where you're supposed to?

Why don't you get on it, on top of it, where you're supposed to be.

Sit down on top of it.

Maybe that's why he's so aggressive.

Did you think about that?

I don't like that kind of treatment from people.

Damn it, I'm a human.

I'm smart.

Papa Cristo's catering in Greek Taverna.

Los Angeles there.

Milkman hacking up a lung.

Milkman starting smoking again last week as we announced.

Milkman smoking Nat Sherman's.

Very expensive cigarette.

I'm asking the man Sherms.

Nat Sherms.

Sherman, you like Sherm?

Hey, listen, you guys got my order wrong again.

and I called the other Greek place, and they said yes, they confirmed it,

that you guys gave me the wrong thing, and I said I should call back and make a complaint with the owner.

Complaint department.

Cute cookie monster.

Complaint department.

Listen, who's that guy that's answering the phone with that voice?

It sounds like the cookie monster.

Cookie monster?

He's got this deep, rivaling voice, and he already hung up on me twice.

What's your name?

Mark.

Mark, are you the owner, or what's your deal?

I'm the manager.

What's your ethnicity?

What's my what?

Ethnicity.

Listen, you don't sound very Greek to me, but regardless, I'm not very happy with the fact that you people screwed up my order for a second time.

I asked specifically for lamb and rice and malacca.

And I ended up with some phyllo dough with some sweet honey shit and this stuff that looks like lasagna.

You got moussaka?

No, I ordered lamb and rice and malacca.

You mean moussaka?

No, lamb and rice and malacca.

Malacca is a...

Listen, my friend came from Greece from his honeymoon.

moon and he told me the dessert he told me about malacca that it's this this dessert thing he's

and i got it written right here and his an insulting thing to call somebody his wife is

greek he's pulling your leg or what but that's that's an insulting thing to call somebody what

are you talking about i just want all i know is that i'm i want my money back and i want to get

people to get this order right i want the lamb and rice okay what kind of lamb i have five the

The Greek lamb.

Greek lamb.

Oh, my God.

I have both the chops.

I have shish kebab.

I have six different ways here.

What kind of wine?

That's nice, honey.

Hey, can you put the owner on the line, please?

Yeah, hold on.

Toilet.

What are you doing over there?

Making a shit in the toilet?

Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, who is this?

Hello?

Hello.

Who is this?

Hey, this is Sam.

Yes.

How are you doing?

Hey, good.

The tomatoes are no good.

Yeah, the tomatoes are no good, and you people gave me the wrong order again.

All right?

And you got that gentleman over there who just said that I'm insulting.

He made an insulting...

He's made an insulting comment to me.

Who did?

The other feminine guy that was just on the line.

The guy that was just talking to me.

The guy that says he's the manager.

Yeah?

Yeah, you know, he made a nasty comment to me.

What are you doing?

Don't cover the phone up and start talking to people in the back.

You let me hear you act like a man, and let me hear what you're saying.

What this was?

Now, did you use it?

Now, listen now.

Wait a minute.

You act like a man.

What did you ask?

Are you talking about me in the back?

Are you making a plan?

Yeah, I'm making a plan.

Yeah, you act like a man.

You understand?

Act like a man.

I'm going to drop a bomb on your house.

Really? Is that so?

Yeah.

Yeah? What else are you going to do?

Where's the bomb now?

I don't care.

I'm writing this down in my report. Where's the bomb now?

Flying.

Okay. What color is the explosive device?

Probably yellow, like you.

Okay. No, I'm writing this all down because you made a bomb threat, and that's a federal offense.

I need to get all the details available so I can report this.

Okay. How many bombs are there?

Is there anything else you need to find out?

No, no, I think this is serious business that you're threatening, you know, with an explosive device.

You know that's a federal crime, right, to say that on the phone?

Okay.

Yeah, so maybe you and I should discuss maybe some money.

You should give me some bread.

Listen, I'm not going to let this go.

Are you extorting?

This guy's trying to extort money out of me right now.

Can you hear me?

Did you hear it?

What are you doing, buddy?

You made a bomb threat to me, and I have you on tape making a bomb threat.

Are you extorting me?

And I'm going to use it against you unless you give me some bread.

You're extorting me.

What the fuck is that guy's deal?

Flabbergaster, the nerve of this man.

He's extorting me.

Jesus Christ.

Everybody listening to us.

We've got a lot of people on the Madhouse Radio Network.

A lot of people over at Phone Losers.

Cacti Radio, goddammit.

Listen.

I'm listening.

Listen.

I'm telling you.

I'm listening.

I've recorded your voice making a threat.

A serious, a serious thing, sir.

Okay.

So if you know what's good for you, you're going to talk to me right now.

We're going to come to a deal.

And I don't take checks.

So what do you want to do?

You got any bread?

I want you to finish doing whatever you want to do.

Okay.

Well, I already paid.

You tell me what you can offer for me.

and I'll let you know if that's enough to keep me from having to talk to the authorities.

No, I think you should talk to the authorities.

What do you think they're going to do?

I think you should talk to them now.

Now.

When I play the tape of you saying you're going to give me a bomb,

what do you think they're going to do?

What do you think they're going to do to you?

I don't care what's going to happen.

You just go ahead and do it.

Hurry up, but you better hurry.

Do you have a daughter?

Do you have a mother?

No, no, I don't.

Do you have a daughter?

A mother?

What's your daughter going to think when they take you away for a long time and you're in jail?

Oh, I think that she'll think it's great.

She'll have a place for sure she can find me.

Yeah, no, because she'll stay with me.

She'll be okay.

Greek terrorists.

You know they're all into that terrorism.

Those Greeks are Mediterranean.

They're sick.

Extortion here on Madhouse Radio tonight.

He does, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He is mad.

Someone calling from Phoenix.

This is a car.

Remember we said you should give me the damn details before we set this all up.

God damn it.

What's up, man?

It's the Cactus Cactus guy.

That's all he does, man.

I want to have a conversation with that kid.

He kept calling last week.

Like, say something.

What the fuck?

Come on.

Stupid shit, man.

They like cactus there.

There's this thing about cactus.

Apparently, this one time, this guy, Brad, there's this guy over there, a phone loser,

Brad Carter.

No, he sat down on this cactus once, and he had to have a certain operation to remove

it, and it's just been, I think, ever since, I don't know, something like that.

It's been, it's awesome, man.

It's an awesome story.

I'm sure some of our...

This is a fucking inside joke, dude.

If you were cool, you were known.

If you were cool.

Milkman, if you were a man.

If you're really a milkman, instead of just a milk, you'd know.

Sing it to me if you still remember the milkman.

All right.

AIDS.

All right.

I'm the only one who's lost.

All right.

Seriously, folks, Greeks are angry, so let's continue targeting them.

We've got Papa Christo's catering in Greek Taverna, Los Angeles, California.

We should call Greeks in Greece.

Those are real.

I mean, they're Greek.

They're not even off the boat.

I mean, they're still on the fucking mainland, man.

They got real oomph, though.

They got something, man.

Hello.

Hey, not bad.

What's going on, brother?

What?

Yeah?

Call in and say that I just love this show.

Oh, fuck.

Who is it?

Are you in the chat, or are you just calling, just listening?

Just calling, just listening.

You don't listen to...

Okay, good.

Well, I'm glad to know, man.

Dude, well, you know, it's as good...

You people never call in, fuckers.

Never.

You guys call...

These people used to call in all the time.

What's your name?

Yeah, what...

Do you want to go by a name or just Mr. Calling Guy?

Call me Frank.

Frank.

Big Frank.

Milkman.

Milkman was asking.

He needs to put a name to everything like it fucking matters.

All right, Frank.

So you're a podcast listener or just live listener?

How'd you find out about us?

Help me out.

I'm trying to target you people.

I'll be at work driving on the tractor, and I'll be listening to stuff on my phone.

And I was listening to comedy, and I just happened to put comedy in and had prank calls.

Right.

And it's had Madhouse Live, and ever since then.

There we are.

All up in it.

Yes, awesome, dude.

So be honest with me.

Between me and you, we could do without Milkman, though, right?

Like, he's not an integral part of the show.

Cool, I like him.

All right, cool.

We'll keep him around then.

Cool.

All right, Big Frank.

Thanks, man.

You don't want to join in?

You want to sit in for a prank call, or you just want to listen?

I love you.

I'm just getting high and laughing.

Right on, man.

All right, well, keep listening.

Tell your friends, bro.

Thanks for calling in.

All right, thank you.

All right, Big Frank, everybody.

Big Frank.

Frank.

Frank. Frank Rizzo.

I had a few words, but good taste.

Big plans and big pants to match.

Hey guys, how can I help you?

Yeah, listen. I want to make an order, please.

And I don't want you people to screw it up.

Because last time I called some lady, some girl took my order and messed it up.

And I'm presuming it's probably you.

So you're ready on watch. Watching you.

Well, if you like, I can hand you to the chef.

You can talk to him if you'd like.

Is he ethnic?

He is ethnic.

Yeah, put him on. Yeah, sure. Why not? We'll give it a shot.

Hey, man, have you ever heard of Kostas Opa Greek Restaurant?

I'm sorry?

Have you ever heard of Kostas Opa Greek Restaurant?

Yes, I have.

Hey, man, I just called over there. The guy fucking made threats to me over the phone.

What?

The guy was making threats on the phone to me.

Yeah, he was threatening me, and I got him on tape and everything.

He said he was going to hurt me and my mother, about my sister and all this stuff.

Who did that?

He's a jerk, that guy. What do you know about him? You go to church with him or something?

Well, I used to, but I've seen a guy for...

I guess that, I don't know if it's the old man or the younger guy.

Some old guy. Chris is his name. Chris.

Chris?

I think he said, is it Craig or Chris or something like that.

I don't know. They've changed so many people in there, you know.

Yeah, but that old guy that owns it. I was talking to the owner.

The old guy is Costa.

That's, yeah, yeah, that's him.

But hold on a second. Costa Opa or Costa?

Costas. Costas Opa.

The one on the university?

Yeah, no, Costa Sopa, damn it.

Oh, yeah, because there's two.

Oh, there's two?

You see, I know a Chris that worked at Costa Sopa, I mean, at the Costa University.

Well, that's the guy then.

That's the owner of Costa University.

I don't know exactly.

You know, these guys, I don't know.

I mean, I don't deal with them.

He's a big asshole is what he is.

You know, what do you think?

Is he tough or what?

I don't know.

I know one of the brothers owns the Byzantium.

The other one owns the three brothers.

I don't know.

Well, what did you do?

I mean, you just went for dinner there, and they threatened you?

Well, I went to dinner, because they got the order wrong,

and the guy came to the table and said, you get the fuck out.

He said, like, bad words.

I'm sorry I said bad words, sir.

He said bad words in Greek.

He said this Malika or something to me.

And I don't know what it means.

And then my friend, he's Greek, and I called him.

His name's Bruno.

Malika means masturbator.

Oh, my God.

Or a stupor.

He said that to me in front of me?

If he mean it, you know, that's what it means.

But if it doesn't, it's an everyday thing that we say, Malacca, we say to everybody, you know.

Oh, man, he's sitting in front of these kids, and they're Greek, and they're all laughing at me.

So, listen, I'm thinking, I'm going to go down there, I'm going to punch him in the face.

You want to come in, you think maybe you can help me.

Who are you, anyway? Do I know you?

This is Valente. Valente.

Valente?

Yeah.

Do I know you?

No, I'm new in town.

New in town?

Yeah, I'm just...

What, are you Greek?

Well, no, no, I'm Puerto Rican.

Puerto Rican?

Yeah.

No way, you got something with the Greeks?

No, because I called, you know, I was making a Greek order.

My friend came back from his honeymoon, and he gave me, he said, hey, let's go get Greek.

And this guy got all rough with me in the restaurant.

What, you live around there?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

So I figured you Greek people all know each other and stuff.

You go to the same church, you see, I was right.

Yeah, Puerto Ricans, you know, they're good with Greeks.

Yeah, yeah, we're good.

Oh, yeah.

I know that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I have Greek every night.

Yeah.

All right, buddy.

How are you?

Well, I mean, you're interested in maybe fighting, I mean, or can you maybe come down with me?

Just, you know, give me some support.

The what?

I'm going to fight him.

I'm sorry, my friend.

But, you know, as I said, I don't, you know.

This is a good for you.

He's a pussy, right?

He's, like, short, right?

Well, listen, the thing is, you know, you can check people that they know him better.

You know, I mean, you know, as I said, I don't know him that well.

No.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, there's.

I'm just trying to get a group of.

I'm going to go down there.

I'm going to punch him in the face.

I'm going to ask him to give me money right there in my hand.

I want all his money.

You don't have to do that kind of stuff.

I mean, just...

I'm going to...

No, I'm going to embarrass him.

I'm going to want to embarrass him in front of a lot of Greek people.

In front of his friends and his family.

I'm going to embarrass him.

I'm going to stand on top of him and urinate on him.

Well, you know, these guys, sometimes, you know, they act like a hillbilly.

Yeah, well, he's a son of a bitch, I'll tell you what.

I don't think you shouldn't go that far.

I mean, you know...

No?

You know, the best thing you can do is say,

you know, what the fuck, I don't go there.

Yeah, maybe you're right, buddy.

Like,

Yeah, man, I guess I'll let him go off the hook,

but I'll tell you if it happens again, son of a bitch,

I'm going to do something now.

Well, all the best, my friend.

Hey, but what's your name?

Yeah.

Peter.

All right, Peter.

Petros.

All right, then.

All right, that's Peter.

Nice guy, that guy.

I got along with one great guy, Big Peter.

I got Milkman on mute because he kept laughing in the middle of the call

during the funny show, you know.

All right, damn it, Milkman.

I wish there was a riot in L.A. and you'd die in it.

Masturbator, apparently, that's what that means.

bovas and valentes in colorado yeah legend says it's called tarpon springs yeah jesus christ they

tell me about it dude like fucking my in-laws came in last last time my in-laws came in my

my father-in-law just wanted to go to tarpon springs it's like the greek fucking capital

of the americas or something well not anymore we oh we saw the whole story they got they got

they got a movie

no

they had some virus

that came through the water

and killed all the sponges there

and

yeah

and the Greeks

that were there

yeah

that was

yeah

they sell sponges there still

but they're not

they're not from there anymore

they used to be

but yeah

some red tide

killed the fucking sponge

now they make soap

they make soap now

good food down there

I'll tell you what

my mama's going there too

but yeah

anyway

that's how I learned

the name Malacca

that word

I learned it from my

my Greek wife

Alright, look. We got a number in Greece. Let's give this a shot.

Anarkiros Esbagas.

Down goes the number, nigger.

It's our first prank call ever to Greece there.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Alrighty.

Man, I miss my pranking hat. It looks so goddamn handsome in it. Thanks.

Hey, listen.

Hey, how you doing, baby? Listen, I left my hat over there. Outside of your house.

Hey, malaka. Damn it.

How much was that call?

I wasn't paying attention.

Ah, it was 26 cents a minute or only 2 cents?

I didn't hear you.

That's fine.

The cost of this call is 2 cents per minute.

Oh, shit.

Call Greek all night.

We got Niko's Niko's Greek in Texas.

That's funny.

Hello?

Listen, Malaka.

Put the husband on the phone.

That's not worth it.

They're not American enough.

Yeah, but those two places are in L.A.

I had a feeling they probably know each other.

The Greek community is like that.

They're all up in each other's business.

He sure is.

Yeah, I used to go to church with him.

Jesus Christ.

What was it called?

Kostas Opa?

I didn't even know that Kostas Opa was the one that I was calling before.

I don't even remember.

What was the first one we were calling?

No, we were calling Papa Christos last, I think it was.

Let me see.

Let me go to the fucking log.

Placed.

20 minutes long.

That sounds about right.

Number ends in 6-0.

Is that the same one?

Oh, that's a different one.

Oh, crap.

All right, cool.

It's called Costa's open and what was this guy's name is Peter Peter right Peters

I'm gonna complain about Peter to Costa's they know each other and what did he say the guys know Costa's the owner Costa?

Yeah

Fucking hunger here hunger short show the night, you know, only only two hours. We got to end at midnight

We can't go late because our BCP starts at that time and I'm I don't want people

It'd be not be listening to him and listening to me instead and want to put them in that fucking position

hello god damn it listen hello where's costas at oh i need to speak to god what is your deal

i need to speak to costas man okay just a moment hurry up where's tuck at tug legend has videos of

the sponge dogs and tarpon springs dude milkman when you when you come into florida man next time

you come over here hang out we'll go to tarpon springs get some pussy oh yeah man i want some

that new sponge action yeah i'll make a sponge pussy a big one fuck it you got to call back

Fuck me, man.

That's right.

Whenever that happens, we just call right back.

Tell them we can't hold.

I want a grilled cheese sandwich, milkman.

That's what I'm doing at 11.

I'm having a salad here with some dip.

Chewing tobacco dip?

Hey, is this Costas?

Yeah, this is Costas.

Hey, listen, I was talking to Peter at that other Greek restaurant.

You know what I'm talking about?

You know the Panos Greek Taverna?

Yeah.

Yeah, that guy Peter's over there?

You know who I'm talking about, that jerk?

Pete?

Yeah, Pete, Pete, that jerk off.

Yeah, the Greek taverna.

Yeah, listen, I was over there, and they messed up my order, and I was there with my wife, okay?

Uh-huh.

And then I started complaining, and he came out to the table, and he took all the plates, and he threw them off the table.

He swiped them off with his hand.

He got so angry, and then he started cursing at me, and he said these bad words in Greek.

He said malika or something like that.

Uh-huh.

Why can't I help you?

Well, I'm complaining about him.

Do with him.

Well, yeah, but you're his friend.

I'm sorry?

Well, I was complaining, and he said to give you what he said.

Call my friend, blah, blah, blah.

You could take care of me.

You could take care of me because you didn't want to do business with me, he said.

Well, no, I'm not his friend.

We're competitors.

Yeah, but he sent me to you.

Called him an asshole.

He sent me to me because I'm a nice guy.

No, he said go to this asshole, and he said to make an order here instead.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I have nothing to do with him.

We have no business together.

He's not related with him, and sorry.

Listen.

If you want to come here and eat, that's fine, but I have nothing to do with other restaurants.

Listen, he told me that you could take care of me, and I need a refund for the bad service that I got.

So I'm coming in and...

Listen, listen, listen.

You work...

I have nothing to do with that guy, okay?

Work for the same company, sir.

Don't come here for a refund, because you've got to go to him.

This is two different Greek restaurants.

He got his own place.

I'm not related with him.

I have no business with him or anything, okay?

You need to fix this.

Have a good night.

Fix it, you malaka.

Damn it.

All right.

He doesn't like that idea.

I'm going to get these guys all pissed off at each other.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Nico Nico's Greek.

And we got Crystal's back ass.

Bigger than you.

No, he had it.

22.

We got some badass reflux for the last four days, Milkman.

Does that mean he got a bad prostate?

Get the privacy now.

We'll have to fix my prostate.

I'm going to stick it in your ass or your wiener.

Oh, okay.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Christos.

Hey, listen, buddy.

I got a problem with my prostate.

I wanted to see if you'd give me that exam.

You got that cream for your fingers and the glove?

Malacca.

Huh?

No, this is Valente Malacca.

So, sir.

Christos.

Jesus.

Maybe calling Greece isn't that...

Maybe not calling Greece houses.

Maybe that's what the problem is.

Eh?

You think?

I don't know.

Maybe we should be sticking to...

I don't know.

...dedicated to the niggas that was down from day one.

The niggas.

we should keep it to the hotels where they speak english if you ever wonder why i usually call

hotels overseas that's usually why in non-english speaking countries what are the english-speaking

countries that we do here we got uh the uk of course right new zealand australia guam

american samoa france no speak french that's not an american english-speaking country monkey

what about the isle of man there you think we could prank call the isle of man

Pizzertook reminding us that they give away free tires in New Zealand.

Isle of Man.

There's Isle of White.

It's all white people there.

There's one black guy there and they killed him and they ate him.

They're savages.

African Nation.

African Nation and Isle of White.

So black they're white.

Anyway, okay, let's look at numbers here.

The Gamers Inn is coming in from Acid Pez.

It's in Mesa where he lives.

A bunch of nerds hang out there playing WoW,

calling like ass for a Joe and be like coming down to kick your nerd ass.

All right, that sounds good.

We'll try it.

I was going to do exactly what you said.

The whole day's, yeah, back in the bro building, remember?

Remember we used to do shows in a bro building with KDK?

Blackout.

Losers.

Listen, what?

Yeah, well, you're talking, and I'm trying to talk, and you keep interrupting.

So why don't you explain what you're saying?

You've got so much to say.

I've got a lot to say.

Can I help you?

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to speak.

Can I speak to a man, please?

You are actually talking to a manager?

That's nice, honey.

This is Valente.

I have a complaint to make about security and the casino staff.

So put me on with a man that can take the request.

Thank you.

Thank you, honey.

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

Okay, yes, that's why I asked to speak to them from the beginning, sweetie.

I'm going to hang up, and then we're going to try this call again, unless I want to interrupt.

I prefer that you don't interrupt me.

I prefer you do, you fucking...

You heard him?

He's gay.

He's a gay.

Milkman, I got to mute you.

You keep fucking making noises, man.

God damn it.

Are you stupid?

Took you off mood.

You keep making the fucking noises.

Damn it.

Yes, I need to make a complaint to security, please.

Okay.

I'm listening.

What can I do?

No, I need to speak to security.

We do not have security, sir.

We are a game store.

This isn't a casino.

No.

Son of a bitch!

That's the problem the whole time, no wonder.

No wonder.

Make sure you have the number correct before you call, sir.

No, no, no, no, but listen now.

I still have to make a complaint.

I called in a moment ago, and this lady hung up the phone on me very rudely.

Be sure to take it up with the manager.

Well, what's her name?

Her name?

Um, but is she cute, or...?

She's not very cute.

No?

No, I don't think she'd be able to help you out.

Is she smart or stupid?

Kind of smart.

You know, academic, book smart.

I like that.

That's nice.

Could you pass on my phone number to her?

Sure.

You ready?

Yeah.

407-459-4534.

45.

Listen, Steve, and I'm really interested in talking to you.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what your sign is?

I can see.

I believe it's a Gemini, and I believe they do pretty well.

Yeah, I am a Gemini, as a matter of fact.

You can see that?

What's my aura, then?

What's my aura look like, homo?

I wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know?

It's green.

Your aura is a little red.

You got flanges of red and green.

Wow.

You're very wise.

I'm very wise, yeah.

Yeah, you sound hot, too.

I'm wise.

Yeah, you think?

I do.

Are you top or bottom?

I'm more of the bottom.

Yeah, I'm versatile.

Yeah.

I'm versatile, actually.

Yeah?

All right, buddy.

I'm going to let you go.

Thank you for that.

Jesus Christ, guy.

I thought it was a casino.

No, it is.

I didn't pay attention.

Gamers in and a bunch of nerds hanging out there.

Oh, okay.

There's nerds hanging out.

Oh, okay.

I must...

All right.

You know who...

Fucking gay.

It's okay to be gay, Milkman.

make fun of it you know we're taking a break in a little bit here prepare for our announcement

cents per minute yeah hi buddy listen you people messed up again again son of a bet you messed up

yeah listen are you speaking english or what little little bit is there an embedded america

speaker there yes okay um can you put that other person on the phone or should i just speak to you

The nightkeeper.

The only place open now is closed.

So if I had to sleep, the people can't sleep there this time?

You kick them out?

Listen, buddy.

I want the keys.

Do you understand?

I want the keys and I want all the codes right now.

Man, do you have the codes?

You call Greece for the codes.

I really got to take a break soon here, though.

Like, honestly, I'm doing the pee-pee dance here.

I really got to pee really bad.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Got some great classic prank calls coming up on a break.

Hello?

Listen, man, don't speak that stuff to me.

Are you speaking English or what?

Good, I'm glad you don't have the phone in your asshole.

Listen, I made a reservation there, and now I come to find out that you people rejected the charge and are refusing to recognize my visa.

In which name you make your reservation?

Under Valente.

Yes, but listen now, my wife was supposed to do it, you understand?

Your wife?

My wife was supposed to do it, and she messed it up, and I punched her right in the face.

We're at the airport now.

In the airport now?

Yeah, but I missed my connecting flight now.

I see. What I can do for you?

I need you to send a taxi to come pick me up and give me my room.

Let me see your reservation. It's for today.

Well, my wife messed it up. She screwed it up like a stupid woman.

Stay here, your wife.

She better not. Not without me.

I'm finding your reservation. Which name and which date?

Under Valente, but she messed it up. I told you, she didn't make it.

Let me see.

Do you understand what an airport is? Do you know what that is?

Yes, I know what is the airport, but we don't send a taxi to get our...

Well, listen, dammit, I'm at the airport in Paris, Charles de Gaulle Airport.

Oh, in Paris?

Listen, listen.

Yes.

I said to my wife,

Wife, do you have the confirmation for the Greek hotel in Greece where we're coming?

And she said, no, I forgot to do it.

And I punched her in the face.

Yes.

And she left.

So now I need you to come and pick me up at the airport.

What's the airport, Nicky?

Charles de Gaulle Airport.

Please, no.

What's the problem?

It's Europe.

You're right down the street.

Great, just send your taxi to come pick me up.

Taxi where? In France?

Oh, from Greece.

From Thessaloniki?

Yes.

Listen, I'm a paying customer and I have reservation.

You have reservation in Thessaloniki, in hotel in Thessaloniki.

You are now in France and you want to send taxi from Thessaloniki to France to get you from the airport?

Damn it, you better do it.

Okay, bye.

He called me a malacca!

Did you hear that?

Fuckers, he called me a malacca.

What a freak.

put him back in about 15 minutes

where's that taxi

I could have walked there by now

son of a bitch

it's too late milkman

let me try

I don't think we have time

hang on fucker

I don't have it on replay

I don't have the replay ready

we got some madhouse

request a pranks that we're sending at the website

you can send in your request a prank

over at madhouselive.com.

Oh, dude.

We just missed it, Milkman.

We just, like, by seconds.

Seconds.

Well, that was awesome, though.

Good.

He was getting ready to explode.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Listen, do you hang up the phone on me?

Tell me.

You know why you hang up the phone on me?

Because you're a malaka.

Whatever it is you call me, that's what you are.

And I heard it when you said it to those stupid, drunk, Greek bastard men back there.

What do you want with?

You bastard, you send a taxi to come pick me up right now, god damn you.

I'm here, the taxi.

I could have walked there by now, sir.

Yeah, okay, tell me the number of the taxi, I don't know.

Send a taxi.

The telephone number.

You call the number, you call the taxi number there in your Greek place,

and you send them over here to come pick me up.

From De Gaulle Airport?

Cars De Gaulle Airport in France, yes.

Okay, I shall send, okay.

When is it going to be here?

Give me the confirmation.

I suppose in 20 minutes.

Give me the confirmation number.

Yes, okay.

No, I want the confirmation number, say it.

I don't know, I shall phone now to the taxi station

and then you will phone me later after five minutes.

Five minutes, I'm going to call you back for confirmation.

Yes, yes, okay.

And in 20 minutes they're going to be here, you bitch.

Okay.

I'd rather call him back.

You heard him, folks.

20 minutes, remind me.

In the meantime, I'm going to get that break I was talking about.

Yay!

Well, yeah, right, five minutes.

Okay, when we come back from the break, I'll call him,

and then we'll have every right to call him back,

because he promised us, right?

He promised us.

I can't believe we had someone threaten us with a bomb threat today.

That's the first.

Where a person being...

That's as bad as that time whenever Wankhamster did that.

Prankmaster's an idiot.

Yeah, remember that?

He did a bomb threat.

Stupid asshole kid.

anyway when we come back we got more prank calls to do we got more hotels in greece i guess it's

greek night it's malacca night everybody that'll be the name of this show when it finally makes it

to the podcast coconut i'll give you an episode here to do and get that taken care of brother

we also got request a prank sent in uh we got four of them here from our listeners listening

live right now you too can send in a request a prank as i said uh we got a number for a dude

for McDonald's here

coming in from RAR.

RAR.

Joe sent in a number also.

Et cetera, et cetera.

Whatever.

We'll get to all that

in a little bit.

Thank you for listening.

MadHouseLive.com

is our website.

In about an hour

we'll be, uh,

RBCP will be taking over

Cacti Radio.

Whatever.

You know what?

Just, I gotta go.

I really gotta pee.

A little bit.

Milkman, you can go pee now.

Now's the time to go pee,

Milkman, now.

Because last time

you had an accident,

remember?

Alright, you too,

coconut.

Go to the toilet

and try to push a little bit.

We got five minutes

to make a duty.

We'll be back right after this.

What is the manager's name?

Who's going to be calling me at what time?

I need to know.

I need to make sure that you...

What's the owner's name, I said.

All right.

Can you let him know?

While you get him on the line, I'm also getting, like, just for the business.

But if you can get him on the line, I'd be happy to talk.

Tell him Valente is on the line, please.

Hold on.

Just one second.

Thank you.

I'm going to get kind of loud.

I'm going to get these inside.

Mr. Alvin Kramer.

Try to keep it down, please.

Hold on.

I'll get Mr. Alvin Kramer.

Kramer.

He said Kramer.

I thought it was Kramer.

Mr. Oppenheimer.

Hello?

Mr. Oppenheimer.

Yes, I'm going to speak with Mr. Oppenheimer.

Oppenheimer, I got your...

Okay.

How do you spell that?

This is Valente.

I'm calling.

There's an issue with the water table, sir.

We check with the most adjacent unit.

The water filtration system outside, we advise you folks that everybody had to have this

in place.

The east.

Your most closest unit to the east or your unit would have been where the...

Excuse me.

Where it was coming from.

Right.

Well, if you're...

With the water coming out...

This is the administration. This is the management of the court I have here, correct?

It says the most adjacent... I don't have the information. I just got the...

Well, I just... You said that you said...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mr. Oppenheimer. What's going on is that you folks haven't apparently...

I mean, I prefer not to be put in a position where I have to do the first name basis, Mr.

Regardless, what I did... Basically, you folks...

You're mispronouncing my name. I'm saying it. I used my first name.

All mispronouncing your name.

I understand. I didn't understand, sir.

Sir, I just, I didn't know I was saying your name wrong.

I apologize, okay?

I'm sorry.

How could you not say that?

I'm very sorry to you twice.

Mr. Overheimer.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fucking Jesus!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Taking the world.

98.6.

No.

Hi.

Friends with, uh, Team Blondie?

Um, no.

Like, how do you know A-T-

Is this Kate?

this isn't the end dude because i i found out on good word girl on the chat room no i saw you

team blonde enos what chat room because i don't web chat chat room man no i haven't i don't go

on those how long have you known that my girl's been doing porno shit on the webcam man started

it up no i don't know anything about this man because i know you're if you're the guy that's

running his website so help me god man when i put the lawsuit that i'm gonna put on you dude hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey, could you please listen to me?

Hey, jackass, I'm calling the shots, all right?

Okay, can I please say something?

I know nothing about a webcam site or anything, okay?

I did not go on there.

Somebody could have put my number on there.

I did not, okay?

I'm 15.

I did not go on there, okay?

Can you please trust me?

Well, I've traced your IP address.

We got the proof on your IP, man.

I saw her doing something on the video cam.

What kind of thing?

With some fucking dildo shit where I don't know where she got that.

Are you the guy that bought it for her?

because she says some guy online bought it for her,

and I look at the screen,

and you're there giving her this phone number

telling her to call you.

No.

What happened, I know what you're talking about,

but it was not me, okay?

It was on my computer, but it was not me, okay?

And you?

Not me, but no.

Can I explain? What happened?

Cool. I started holding my laptop, okay? And they knew it was my laptop, and I don't know who it was, but they started giving it to another person.

Somebody called me. I'm trying to figure out what's going on, and they gave out my number to a whole bunch of different people, and I'm trying to figure this out.

so you know look listen it's right here i want to blank you you like to blank doggy style how old

are you i want to blank you now i blank you now do that yes this is really me this is really my

phone number and it gives your phone number out right here okay that's definitely i would i'd

never say something like that sir something to tell you chris hansen with dateline nbc we're

doing a show about children breakup marriages please well i didn't have anything to do with

I didn't say anything like that, um, you know, I am gonna, I'm trying to find out who's doing this, but...

Pictures on the computer machine?

No.

You never have?

I have, but I don't anymore. I did, like, a long time ago with friends, but I don't do it anymore.

With friends? So you got together and looked at pictures on the computer?

It was, like, years ago, years ago.

Together, you looked at...

Well, we were together, and it was, like, a pop-up thing.

Because, um, because people aren't supposed, uh, people your age aren't supposed to look at porno.

It was a pop-up.

That's like buying, um, that's like buying cigarettes, son.

It was a pop-up, though.

But why wasn't your parent filter turned on?

Because I don't know. I don't know.

You don't know.

Well, you're free to go.

Is anything, go through anything?

Well, you're going to be on part of the report.

Okay.

You see radio about people like yourself who break marriages up on the Internet.

Okay, well, I'll try to figure this out, figure out who this is, and I'm going to talk to them.

Let me know.

Okay, if I find out who it was and let you know what I find out, because I didn't.

What's the DA?

Okay, thank you.

Okay, bye.

I gotta go. My mom's calling me.

Okay, bye.

That was funny.

Madhouse Radio is live

Thursday nights at 10pm Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Be sure to visit us online at

madhouselive.com

You're listening to the Cacti Radio Network

work at 1-888-278-8509 you know what i hope that when you die they put your gps in your box

and a trap door at the bottom so when you die you open up trap door at the bottom you check the gps

and you go straight down to the hell madhouse radio is back you are bigger than a woman you

are better than a woman we'll always be behind you do not let a woman we'll always be behind

ever make you who you are everybody madhouse radio back living for our tonight eastern standard

time but i started late tonight deal with it uh we are of course the mouth

thank you everybody listening on there a lot of people over there as always lonesome

loser in the house as well sending in numbers cacti radio and the phone losers cactiradio.com

RBCP will be starting there in one hour

midnight with the phone show

be sure to stay tuned for that

speaking of which guys over there open up the

fucking

Craigslist let's put some ads up

I want to let you know

I think it was Grishnab that posted last week

the ads for the HP laptops

unused still in the box

Milkman I don't know if you remember that you guys are a muted fuck I forgot that

by the way Tuck just

waking up apparently he's going to be joining us here shortly

Of course, Milkman is in the number one chair.

What's up, big guy?

Last week, we had the HP laptop calls.

Dude, I still got calls today, texting calls.

You still have the laptops?

And then I got a voicemail from the guy yesterday

who ended up going to the hotel in downtown Los Angeles

looking for the laptops and waited.

He said he waited for four hours.

Anyway, so yeah, dude, open those up, Cacti Radio.

And of course, you know, the big news here is

we are back on SyndicateRadio.tv for the last hour of the show.

Sneaking it in there.

SyndicateRadio.tv.

Thank you, everyone, for tuning in.

This is Madhouse Radio.

Let's get back to the prank calls.

We've been prank calling Grease all night, Milkman.

And having fun with it, fucker.

We got to call back that...

We got to call back the guy, right?

He said to call him back for that confirmation number for the, uh...

Yeah, that's right.

One call back.

I'm making a...

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Earthdog reminded me how to use stick cam over here.

Thank you, sir.

I'm enabling cams right now, damn it.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, can I get that confirmation now for the taxi cab?

Si.

Yeah, I was supposed to get a taxi.

For when?

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, for when?

Oh, to come pick me up.

One minute, please.

The earth duck, what do I do?

Settings and then what?

Shit.

Settings.

For when?

Well, the guy said it was going to be here.

Where are you now?

I'm at the airport.

Airport?

Charles de Gaulle airport.

Which airport?

Charles de Gaulle.

Well, I have a connecting flight, sir.

Yes, Michelle.

God damn it.

You shit.

Please.

Hello?

This is Greece.

Well, no, listen, listen.

Airport in Greece?

No, the taxi's supposed to come pick me up at the airport and bring me to the hotel in Greece.

Now in Greece, Thessaloniki?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm in France. I'm in France right now. I'm in Paris.

I talked to some...

Yeah, you want to send the...

Well, I have arrangements made with another Greek man already that he's going to come send a taxi to pick me up here in France and give me a ride to Greece.

You want to send a taxi to Paris?

Yes.

Well, no, seriously, look, listen, I told you I have reservations already to stay at the hotel, okay?

You understand, damn it?

Where's the guy that I was talking to before?

Put him back on.

He knows more English than you do.

I can't taxi.

I call you, but I can't.

Well, why don't you say...

It's better for you to find a taxi.

No, they won't.

They said they won't.

They won't go that far.

I can't send it.

Something now.

Well, listen, I missed my airplane.

I missed my airplane because of you.

Yeah, if you come in Thessaloniki...

No, no, no.

Listen, it's your fault that I missed my flight from France to Greece.

And that guy promised me he was going to send me a...

What time your flight?

It was an hour ago, stupid.

And that guy promised me a taxi to pick me up and take me to Greece, damn it.

Okay, I get something now.

Maybe you want something, then I'll call you after 9 o'clock, okay?

You're a stupid Malacca.

Yes, you, Malacca.

Are you sure?

I'm certain you are.

Your mother told me.

Okay, okay, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Malacca.

I really wanted to talk to the guy, and now I'm talking to this other cockblocker guy.

Hey, listen, what the heck?

All right, let's see.

You need to find out where your confirmation number is.

Room control.

Check.

Guests can start feed.

It says, check.

Guests can start a video feed.

Oh, my God.

Now it's moving all over the place.

Holy shit.

Let me try it again.

But they must be enabled by me.

Oh, no.

That's what I don't want.

Earth Dog, come on, man.

If you're going to fucking explain shit.

Jesus, man.

Really?

You got to commit, Earth Dog.

You got to fucking commit.

Hello?

Hi, good night.

I'm calling about a team bed that you have.

I don't know if you're available and can I go and pick it up?

What do you, what do you, I have two things right now.

Are you talking about the ad?

Uh, the king size.

Yeah, we have a mattress, honey.

You have the mattress?

Yeah, we have a king size mattress.

It's got to go out tonight.

You got to get it now.

Are you going to sleep on it?

Do you have the stains in the box?

Yeah, I have the stains for it.

Yeah, it's got stains on it.

We can make some more stains.

I had a, I had a colonoscopy.

Okay, may I go and pick them up?

Yeah, I made a big shit in the bed.

Okay, where are you located at?

Listen, I need you to come down here.

I need you to clean the mattress for me, okay?

Okay.

Okay, you're going to clean it?

Yeah.

I want you to lay down on the mattress.

I want to see you laying down on it first.

And if you're a good match for the mattress, then you can have it.

Okay.

Yeah?

Do you have a husband?

Yes, my husband is gone.

Well, I'm going with him.

I mean, you have to stop.

Oh, no, no.

No husband, no husband.

No?

No, no husband, no.

Why not?

You know, I want to have, you know, on the mattress.

Oh, no, I think I just have a wrong number.

No, no, this is for sex in a mattress in Phoenix.

Uh-huh.

You're going to have sex in a mattress with me?

No, I don't think so.

Listen, do you want the mattress or no?

No.

No?

No.

For free?

No, no sex, no sex.

Just mattress only, no sex.

But my husband is going with me to pick them up.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Is he bi?

Let me speak to your husband, please.

But he doesn't speak English.

I speak Spanish.

It's okay.

I speak Spanish.

You speak Spanish?

Sure.

Hey, well, listen.

My wife is going to come over and I'm going to poke her right in front of you in my mattress.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

You speak pretty good English.

Yeah, bro.

You turned pretty black there.

All right, so we got the...

All right, we got a mattress that's been put up for sale or for giveaway on Craigslist.

Let's copy-paste this fucking, what do you call these things?

A link.

That's what it is.

Okay, so the link says, king-size bed in Phoenix.

It's got to go tonight.

Fair condition.

King-size has stains and box springs are in rough shape.

The box springs are in rough shape.

This is called Carl.

Good deal.

Excuse me.

Let's get a Carl one up there, too, with a nice picture.

Oh, man.

Up there, too, with a nice picture.

Oh, man.

Yeah, look at that.

It's an echo.

All right, give me a second here, folks.

Let me get the next one.

Well, hey, you want to hold, see if we get another mattress call?

We could.

It could come in.

You never know.

Let me set up here.

I'm going to call another number in Greece.

Listen to this while I get that ready.

Dude, we're almost out of show.

This sucks that we lost an hour.

It was only a third of show, but still, this is a big chunk.

You think?

What was it called?

The Hotel Napoleon from Thanksgiving?

Yeah, we can call them back if you want.

People are just getting to hear that on the podcast.

It just finally got updated.

Be sure to visit madhouselife.com to check out our podcasts.

There's two of them.

And there's a prank call podcast.

It's just prank calls.

It's called the Madhouse Prankcast.

And, of course, you've got the Madhouse Madcast, which is the Madhouse Madhouse shows.

And we're going to call Aerotel Akiaha Beach Hotel in Akihaha's Greece.

See if they'll get it.

The Homa Hotel.

The Homa.

Hey, you know what?

You got me there, man.

We're going to call the Homa Hotel.

The Homa Hotel in Iran, everybody.

If I can find it.

There's Bunny's Liquors.

We've had fun with them.

I can't find it.

It's just finding it, but it's not.

There we go.

The Homa Hotel.

The Homa Hotel is located in Tehran, Iran.

The cost of this call is 10 cents per minute.

Did the cameras get fixed at Earthdog or Chuckers or whoever's there now?

Let me know.

I'm so happy we got stick cam back for fucking syndicate, man.

We're calling Iran, everybody, if you haven't noticed yet.

Yeah, dude, that live feed, live shit, live video, live fuck, that piece of shit never fucking worked.

Just kicked me off.

I got so mad.

Hello?

Listen, woman.

Yes?

I was down there and this woman was showing her hair off.

Who was that?

I'm sorry, who are you?

This is Valente.

There was a woman down there.

I went down to the lobby and there was a woman there and you can see her hair.

And she's talking to men that she's not married to.

And I can see her legs.

Disgusting.

In the lobby she's sitting?

A woman right there, right now with her hair, showing her hair off.

Letting other men see her hair.

I know, but where is she?

In the lobby?

She was in the lobby.

And I think it was you.

You're mistaking me with somebody else.

Oh, no.

We are not working in the lobby.

You're the woman who's showing...

Do you have...

Is your hair covered or are you showing your hair?

We have hair covers.

You do?

We all have hair covers here, yes.

Well, I think you were walking around and people were looking at your hair and you were showing it off like a hussy, like a dirty girl.

You're mistaking me with somebody or you're sick?

Both.

A little bit of both.

I am sick and everyone knows it.

Or you're sick.

I'm sick or you're sick.

Nice little caveat there

Alright, there you go

That was our prank call of the night to Iran

You're welcome

Alright, I'm looking for the Hotel Napoleon now

It might not have been the Hotel Napoleon

I think it was called something else

Well, no, that was a late show

We started that show at midnight and he was getting ready to

Yeah, it wasn't the Hotel Napoleon, it was something else

Hello

Hello, yes, I was calling to see if you had the bed

Yeah, look

Look, it's got some stains on it.

What kind of stains?

Human stains.

Human stains?

Yeah.

It smells good.

Uh-huh.

And you put bed sheets on it, you can't even see it.

What?

If you put a bed sheet on it, you can't even see it.

Or do you sleep without bed sheets on the bed?

No.

No?

Where are you located?

I'm in Phoenix.

What part of Phoenix?

What's your main cross street?

72nd and Grant.

Grant Avenue?

Uh-huh.

Grant?

Yeah.

I'm only here by Metro.

Listen, man.

Just come down.

Come down.

You lay down on the mattress if you like it.

You take it.

I'll give you a frame and everything.

I have pillows.

You lay down on the mattress.

You tell me if you like it.

If you like it, you just take it.

We shake hands.

You take the mattress with you.

Take the bed.

Take it all.

You want some lamps?

I'll give you the lamps.

Yeah, I know what you mean, but I'm all the way on 7th Street.

Listen, man.

I'm going to tell you what.

I was cheating on my wife.

Yeah.

And the girl shit the bed really bad.

And if I don't get it out of here, I want to say that it got stolen.

Just come, please come down and just take all the stuff from the bedroom if you can.

Just take the lamps and everything, fucker.

Come on, man.

Uh, nah, I'm straight.

Well, what are you, lay down, I'll take some pictures of you and everything.

Uh, nah.

Ha, I think you want pictures of yourself.

No, no.

That's why you got mirrors like that, right?

No, I want pictures of you.

Oh, yeah, because you're fruity like that when you're dicking your mouth and you're dicking your ass.

Yeah.

No, I'm queer like that.

Yeah, I'm not a gay guy.

Fruity is like a name.

No.

This is a gay website that you're visiting.

You know that, right?

Hello?

I was guessing with the gay.

I was guessing with the gay, everybody.

Double KDK laugh right there.

All right, let's call this other hotel in Greece.

Was I talking about something?

What even happened here?

Yeah, the hotel.

It was a different hotel.

I don't remember which one it was.

Hey, Milkman.

Tuck's trying to get into the main stage.

He doesn't have the password.

Can you hook him up with that, please?

He's missing.

Tuck's trying to get into the chat

The satellite link

He needs the fucking password

Damn it

Yo

Hey, Big Tuck

You're late

Oh, they're dead

Listen

You speak English?

Listen, monkey

You speak English?

How you doing, monkey?

Listen, monkey

You were supposed to send me

A car

A car machine

To come pick me up

Yes, you're supposed to send me

A car to the airport

To come pick me up

I was talking to Peter

And Costas

And Christos

And Sam

Costas and Christos

Kostas, Christos, Phanopoulos,

I don't know.

Nikos.

Is Nikos there?

Nikos.

Maybe there's...

It's just Niko.

I don't...

Listen, he was...

Niko's...

I'm waiting for Niko in this stupid car, damn it.

I'm waiting for...

I'm at the airport in France.

Uh-huh.

You are waiting?

Yeah, to come take me to Greece.

No, you said...

You promised me you were going to send me a car

to come pick me up in France

and take me to Greece.

Yeah.

To send you for your car from France.

Greece.

Again, here's a high...

Anahia Beach.

Yeah, in the highest, Greece.

Yes, yes, you told me half year in my paper

that you were going to get a car to pick me up at the airport

and take me there to Greece.

It's right down the street.

From which airport?

Charles de Gaulle.

Cool.

Know something for me.

I do know something for you.

No, you better send the car now, damn it.

When is it going to be here?

Again, half hour.

No.

No, no, no, send the car.

I want the numbers right now.

Give me the confirmation.

What's your name?

That's Malaka.

Malaka.

No, my name is Malaka.

My name is Malaka.

Yes.

No, I masturbate.

It's okay.

What are you, a malacca?

Malacca.

I'm going to cut that bit short and nip it right in the bud.

Malacca.

So I was watching Twitter today and I saw a lot of back and forth.

Tuck this, Sean Ward this, and Sean Ward that, and Sean Ward.

Who's Sean Ward?

I don't know.

Sean Ward, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Fucking make me puke, Tuck.

Why don't you just kiss him?

Why don't you just send him lips?

Send him a pair of lips in the mail.

Tuck even here.

Tuck went to go take a shit at everybody, right?

Never mind.

We can say everything we want about him.

There he is.

You heard him.

We need more mattress calls.

I'm sending you a number right now.

This is Ed DeDaddy.

It's a pervert named Tim.

So I just say, what should I do?

Just call him a pervert?

Get the story right before I call.

Figure it out.

Say about Tim real quick.

What?

Tuck, you're crazy.

Oh, my God.

All right, we got a prank.

I am crazy because I'm talking to DeDaddy on the other phone and I'm talking to you.

You must be.

Okay, we got a prank call.

While you work on that with Stephen to Dad, we've got a number here from Stephen.

Another Stephen.

Yes, call Carlito, please, so you can key him in on what's going on.

Yeah, please, call in to Dad.

He's shoving dinner in our throats here.

Please, do us a favor.

We've got Sarah.

He says, please, call Carlito.

All right, we'll call Carlito.

Really bad hair smells bad with a high-pitched voice.

Her name is Sarah.

This was sent in by Stephen for us to prank call.

Not the Dad, a different Stephen, the real Stephen.

Let's see.

Is that the girlfriend of his?

I don't know.

The call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Five.

There you go.

The dead's going to call you.

The dead's going to call us.

Everyone, hold on.

The dead's going to call us.

Let's wait for that.

Man, I really want to hear that guy call me in Malacca again.

That prank call from earlier, man, Milkman, you were right.

We really should have made that effort to get the replay.

Yeah, I know.

We'll play it again someday, man.

Don't worry.

Hello?

Steven, to accept press one, to set the voice for finished recording press pound to cancel

press star.

Damn it.

Do you know asking me hope see I replaced I didn't play it press record I did now fuck better now

I didn't get the training try to call back in Steven. You screwed it up really

Call from Steven to accept press one to send a voicemail press the dead

Yes, I remember

Can you get...

I am an AIM.

Are you an AIM?

I don't see you.

Unless you have a new screen name.

I'm on fucking AIM.

You know, before he...

Oh, let me see.

I think...

I'm going to block you.

I'm going to block you, actually.

And Milkman, I think Milkman is right.

Yeah, I did block you.

Hang on.

Let me unblock you.

Why did you fucking block me?

Yeah, because you kept calling me.

Because you...

Because you sent...

Every day, I would come to my computer

and I would see 10 offline messages from the dead

asking if I put in her ass yet

about my wife

and then about my kid.

Dude, I'm just fucking with you.

I know.

That's what he does with me.

Come on, man.

You're sick.

Hang on.

There you go.

I sent you one.

Oh, no, I didn't.

He aimed me.

You gave me the fucking...

Okay.

Well, I'm there.

All right.

So what's the deal with this person?

What is it?

Is it a friend of yours

No, not a friend of yours.

No, he's one of Eric Fiduci's mugs.

Okay.

What

lost the dead.

I didn't hang up, for the record.

For the record, I did not hang up.

All right, so yeah, we'll get to that.

Let's try to call this Sarah Broad again.

Let me get back over here.

All right, we're going to try Sarah one more time.

Sarah, good friend Crazy Fucker's in the house over at Syndicate.

Good to see you there, you crazy fuck.

And his voicemail.

Five.

There you go, that's...

Hello, guys!

I'm glad you don't call here.

You're in a buggin' bat cave down there.

You're a little jack and you're a jack-off and you're a 5-3-0.

When's your new show coming on, man?

Your new show there.

This crazy fucker back on November 11th of 2009 at 4-11 in the morning

calling the Madhouse line and leaving drunk dial voicemails.

yeah

I thought you guys

would enjoy that

some people haven't

heard that

I remember that

oh my god

alright so we got

another number here

this is another request

from earlier tonight

from Leo

Leo sent a number

for Greg

the reptilians

alright

oh Jesus

alright we got Greg

This guy met him off of Xbox Live.

He's a closet homosexual.

They never had any romantic conversations,

but they flirted.

He's friends with Matthew and Steven.

He goes to Bangor High School.

I don't know what to think about that.

It's a minor. I don't like calling minors.

We got a guy named Kyle who hates black people.

Nice.

I don't have any numbers in the UK.

I might have some old ones.

We're running out of time here, folks.

Come on.

Look, this is precious prank calling time, okay, kids?

Now, come on.

Let's just get to this.

Enough of crazy fucking voicemails.

I know.

Everyone's calling me.

I don't want to get all the details.

What the fuck?

I'm going to get out of here.

God damn it.

Fucking Wic-Chack milk, man.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

They get out of the women.

They just had a baby, and they're poor.

Hey, guys, I didn't pick up.

You know, I said, you know, name, number, info, whatever.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Got the tone.

Anyway, yeah, so these WIC checks, like, they give you...

They give you these checks, right?

Instead of giving out government cheese and government this and that,

you get these checks, and you go to the grocery store,

and you've got to buy specifically, you know, the certain cheese, et cetera.

And they would go, and they would start trying to get this gourmet damn cheese,

you know, trying to pick up gourmet cheddar and all this stuff,

and we'd have to tell them, no, you've got to go back,

and you pick the store brand

the one that's marked on the fucking aisle

that says this is the WIC one

and they argue and shit

but dude I have to do so much paperwork

every time one of those people will come with a fucking WIC check

and they come with like 3 or 4 of them

and you can't add them all together

they gotta be separate fucking transactions

and shit

they always got

they got one check for the formula

and another one for

I think it was like cheese, milk and butter

or something crazy retarded

Whatever

Bullshitting here already

20 minutes of show left

It's 11.40

You want to call in

Better do it quick bitch

Madhouse Live

The mouth line is

407-459-4534

It's open right now

Kokanee you were saying something

Niggas

Good good idea

Yes we do

Yeah

Okay cool cool

840 Mariposa Street

the alley with the big tree in front

cool did you look like

yeah did you check it out

like in Google or something

that's pretty cool

like Google street maps

or whatever that shit's called

Snickers Mommy reporting

cheese milk juice and eggs

yes that's right

the eggs too also

they would always try to get

the fucking

the jumbo eggs

and we have to tell them

no assholes

not the jumbo eggs

you go back

you get the fucking regular eggs

Man, it says eggs.

You fucking ghetto bitch.

Go back and get the fucking eggs that it is.

And shut up and do it.

I wanted to say sometimes coconut gets so fucking mad.

Oh my God, I think I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.

Here we go.

Tim a pervert.

Got it.

We're calling it now.

In his late 20s.

So I guess this guy was like on the Craigslist or something.

I guess Eric Veducci set this guy up.

Apparently the guy's a pervert.

Oh my God.

but need a boy toy after work.

Jesus Christ.

Let me look at this real quick.

Hang on, give me a second.

Erica, it's Tim.

I saw your ad there in Park City for a few days.

There's no more of them.

All right, so that's the voicemail that they left him.

I guess I saw the ad.

That's cool, yeah.

So people are running with this whole Craigslist thing.

All right, guys, let's call this guy then.

This is for the dad and fucking Eric Verducci's.

I wish Eric Verducci would join us one day.

He's a good pranker.

I love his pranks.

Of all the pranks that I used to play on PCU and that Ted still plays,

this is the Verducci ones that I love.

I don't love them.

I'm not trying to be gay.

I'm just saying it's good shit.

Good fucking pranks.

I think he's a very underrated prank caller.

Zolar and Syndicate Radio.

That website is zolarkast.com, I think, or zolarxyzolar.com, zolarvision.net.

I don't know.

He changes it every fucking year.

He's got a new domain.

So you know what?

Just Google Zolar, and you probably won't even find it then, so screw it.

Who cares?

Why try to give out plugs for the guy and pranks

and fucking places for people to check his pranks out

when there's no...

It never consists in Zolar.

Never with you.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox

that has not been...

Can't tweet him.

You can tweet him.

He's Zolar on Twitter.

There you go.

Twitter.com slash Zolar.

Figure it out from there.

Anybody know I got married last year?

Does that mean I have to file as married for the taxes?

Because I'm not really happy now.

I used to love it.

Yes.

Athena's so bad with the paperwork.

Yeah, that's the whole kind of point of married, really, is to have the whole tax thing.

So now I've got to share the check with her?

Because before, all my life, when I've been doing my taxes, I get my own check.

I get my own check.

It says my name on there, Carlito Regales.

You are married, it is.

It's the whole tax thing.

We've got a bed.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

This is a cheap-sized bed.

Yeah, it's got some stains on it, though, but you're welcome to have it.

You want some lamps?

Lamps? I'm getting rid of the lamps and getting rid of everything.

My wife's not here. On her ass.

What are you sleeping on?

On the floor.

Oh, yeah? You got a mattress on the floor or nothing?

Nothing. It's on the carpet.

I caught my wife cheating on me, motherfucker,

and I'm getting rid of the mattress and everything.

I don't even want to see it. I want to see it.

Swear to God, I'll burn it.

Damn.

Damn it. If you don't get here soon,

I'm going to fucking burn the mattress and everything in the front yard.

You better hurry up.

What are you doing?

I'm putting gas on it right now.

What the fuck?

No, I swear to God, I'm going to put gas on the mattress and burn it

unless you take the shit out of here, man.

That's a fucking bitch.

Sleeping with a black...

I caught her with a black guy in the bed.

You saying bullshit or what?

No, dude.

Come on, man.

Seriously, you're going to take the bed or what?

I want it out of here.

She's out of here on her ass.

Where's it at, though?

On Mariposa.

840 Mariposa.

Are you just saying around or what?

No, dude.

Listen, I'm telling you.

I got the mattress.

I'm getting it.

I got some lamps.

You want some lamps?

Yeah.

Lamps?

I got...

But you're saying you're putting gas on it.

Not yet.

I'm just saying I'm pissed off.

I caught her cheating on me.

I'm saying,

if this,

either the bed leaves tonight,

I don't want to see it in the morning.

I'm going to throw,

I don't even want to throw it away.

I'm just going to burn the fuck

into the backyard.

So fucking angry.

Oh, so,

so where do you live?

Are you in Phoenix?

Yes, Mariposa.

Mariposa or what?

It's, you know,

eighth.

It's like between eighth and ninth.

And it comes with everything or what?

Yeah, west side of town.

It's the mattress,

the box springs,

they're kind of old.

I don't have a frame though.

It's just a stupid bed.

I'm keeping the frame.

I want the mattress

and all that shit out of here.

All right.

All right, so you're coming tonight or what?

Yeah.

When are you going to be here?

Like in one hour.

Are you messing with me?

Are you going to come down or not?

Seriously, because if I get another call,

I'm going to tell them.

Don't waste my time, man.

You're just going to give away the mattresses or what?

The mattress and the box spring and the lamps.

What is the box spring?

The box spring.

It goes under where you put the fucking thing.

The mattress goes on top of it.

Oh, okay.

I gave it to you.

I don't know.

What are the big streets where you live?

But it seems west side of town.

The west side of town.

I know, but where are the...

Again, let me think.

I mean, I don't even know how to explain it.

You know where like 8th, 9th, you know the whole area, kind of close to downtown?

It's between...

I don't know where that is.

There's a mall, like a Camelback.

You know Camelback, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, we're like right by Charlie's over there.

All right, I'll be over there and I'll call you when I'm close to there.

All right, you want to meet at the McDonald's?

The McDonald's is right across the street.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just wanted to see if you have a truck or what.

No, you come with me here, and then we come together into the house to get the fucking mattress.

All right.

All right, are you coming alone, or who are you bringing with you?

I'm going to bring my little nephew.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Is that that girl that's back there?

Are you coming alone or not?

Because I don't want a bunch of people showing up here, like two people at the most.

Yeah, I'll call you when I'm close.

Are you coming by yourself, or are you coming with someone?

You know what?

I'm kind of scared.

You know what?

I'd rather you don't come then.

No, it's just me and my...

Is it a guy or a girl?

Good guy.

All right, we can lay on the bed and take pictures.

You're a fucking faggot, bitch.

No, I just want to take pictures of you laying on the bed with your clothes on.

With your clothes on.

You're a fucking faggot, bitch.

All righty.

The most epic had to be the first time, dude.

When we had the three wreckers at one time at the Denny's two weeks ago.

That was fucking milk, man.

You weren't around for that one, man.

But, oh, my God.

When that makes it to the podcast, you guys are going to love it.

Love it.

We've got about ten minutes left of the show here.

I'm going to say Malacca and see what happens.

Shut in the dark.

You are in Tentatrum.

For English, press 1.

A face-to-face Tentatrum hotel.

Thank you for calling.

You are in priority line.

Please hold on.

Please hold for the operator.

I want to thank Chuck for helping me out, getting coordinated there, as well as Earthdog.

Hello.

Listen, I'm still waiting on that taxi to come pick me up, damn it.

Where?

To the airport.

To the airport?

You are in the airport.

I'm at the airport.

I've been waiting at the airport.

I could have walked there by now.

What's your problem?

There is problem with the taxi, you mean.

Oh, yeah.

You promised me to send me a taxi to pick me up at the airport here.

And I'm still here.

Well, I don't have a message like this here.

No, you gave me...

I don't know.

You gave me a...

You promised me you gave me a confirmation that they're going to come down here and pick me up.

Well, I don't have something like that, me.

Maybe it was in the morning, a guy.

Well, whoever it is.

Whoever it is.

I need you to come pick me up.

Why are you not taking a taxi from the airport and come down?

Because you people promised it, and I don't speak the language here in France.

You understand? I'm at the airport in France.

Yes, I understand.

But there is no taxi driver who can speak French.

No, but I want you to send a taxi now to Paris.

To Paris?

Yes.

I don't know.

No, no, no. You do it now, damn it.

Come on, man.

I don't know the way.

You've got to help me, man.

Yes, I understand, but I don't do anything because I'm in the nighttime and I don't know the way they're doing those things.

Okay, I mean, what's the matter with knives?

No, I'm a new...

You're a chicken?

I'm a new one.

You're a chicken?

I'm a new one.

You're a new chicken.

Yeah, stupid.

I'm tired of grease.

I'm tired.

I hope we never call grease again, Milkman.

Honestly.

Any idea what was...

Greasing your food's bad.

It is, man.

It's bad for you.

It gives you the itis.

So yes, there is a Craigslist ad running around tonight that Acid Pez hooked us up with.

That would be the mattress in Phoenix.

Alright guys, I don't know.

I think this is the hotel we were calling before.

I'm trying to remember.

I don't remember the stupid name of the stupid place.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Ferry does drunk.

Girl, what with you?

I'll show up for a few months and all of a sudden you're a raging alcoholic.

Geez.

What happened? You should be a Swede.

Hey, listen.

Where's my taxi?

It's not coming.

You said 20 minutes.

20 minutes.

You said taxi in 20 minutes.

20 minutes.

No.

Oh.

Hello.

Listen, you said 20 minutes.

Yeah.

Where's that stupid taxi, you shit?

What you want exactly, please?

You send taxi to airport to pick me up.

I said it.

It's not here yet.

I could have walked to Greece by now, from France.

Said it, sir. Don't know he's not coming.

No, give me the confirmation number right now.

I want to speak to them myself.

Yeah, I give you a telephone number from taxi.

No, give me the confirmation.

I want the proof that you sent me a taxi number over here, right now.

I give you a number from taxi in taxi 184.

His number?

You can't, and he's coming there.

He's not a driver.

He's going to deal with me physically in the town only?

Is my pizza in there?

You must take a taxi from there.

No, no, no.

You promised me already.

I'm not getting a taxi if you already sent it.

No, you already did.

You said 20 minutes, taxi's going to be here.

He's not speaking with me.

Another man who is leaving.

Went to sleep in the home?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Man, this is really messed up.

You stupid malaka.

Again.

That's right.

Again.

You stupid malaka.

Are you sure for this?

You're a stupid malaka shit.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

You're very welcome, Malaka.

Go, now go monkey, go.

Very good.

Call me again after.

Go masturbate.

Bye.

All right, good.

Whatever.

I got a feeling the sound, the shoutcasting quarter keeps freezing.

I think it chopped that prank all up.

That would suck.

That was a good one right there at the end.

All right, Milkman, take us out of here, sir, if you could, please.

We got three minutes for shows, for RBCP things over the phone show.

Hurry.

Thank you, The Lonesome Loser.

Everyone visit Tuck's website, Tuckermike.com, but go there very late.

RBCP will be next over here in the fucking Cacti Radio, CactiRadio.com, PhoneLosers.org.

We're at MadHouseLive.com.

Subscribe to our podcast.

Check the forums.

Download some prank calls and jerk off to pictures of Carlito.

And, of course, SyndicateRadio.tv.

Thanks for having us back.

Here's to another four years of MadHouse Radio shows.

Syndicate Radio.

Fuckers.

we're right here

bye

see ya

next week

Tuesday 9pm

what's next week

I promise

I'll be on time

there's the phone

ringing

the phone

the fucking phone

Calls (20, 1 h of 1 h 52 min)

Transcript

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