What’s Not Black About Louis Armstrong?

And that son of a bitch made homosexual references towards me.

I'm a Christian, God-fearing son of a bitch.

Do you understand what I'm saying, ma'am?

And to have some guy say that kind of thing to me

makes me just want to put my finger in a light socket

and drink a gallon of vodka.

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

Asshole.

All right, why do I start to show off like that all negative all the time?

I've been editing prank calls recently, you know, editing Madhouse episodes, and I'm listening to them.

And I think, like, every single time for, like, three months straight, I start other shows, like,

Hey, you fucking assholes, you fucking jerks.

Well, I do that to you guys. You guys are just nice enough to listen.

That's not right.

Good evening, everybody. Madhouse Radio is here.

I'm Carlito. In studio is nobody.

I've fired them all.

Talking services are no longer needed, and Milkman is on suspension again.

Kokanee's here, however. How you doing, Kokanee?

What's up?

everyone getting their first look at the new madhouse radio team carlito and kokanee kokanee

now grooming to be the replacement of madhouse radio's own carlito when i retire from the show

in five years i promise that you will get the show kokanee you're going to be the new head

coach of the show start working on your pipes we got numbers here from lonesome loser already

early enough there's like a buzz in the like this interference shit fix it but i'm not very

lucky at it let me open up the madhouse uh mouth line if you want to call it tonight you can the

The number is 407-459-4534.

Again, tonight, Madhouse Mouthline is open.

If you want to call in, 407-459-4534.

Fans of Reckless might be happy to hear that he might be joining us here in the second hour of the show.

I was having a talk with him.

He's interested in calling in around the 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Hour.

I want to say a big what's up to everyone checking us out in the chat rooms all around the world.

Of course, over here at 98.6themouth.com, we've got several people in there.

Lonesome Loser included, sitting in numbers.

that I was starting to mention before.

He's already sent in a number in the Czech Republic.

For you have ran an all-night diner in the Czech Republic.

It's a place I don't think I would want to live, the Czech Republic.

That's the thing about it.

That's the thing about that name, Czech, the way it's like Czech.

It makes your mouth do dirty things with your mouth.

Nasty vocals.

Say Czechoslovakia and look at yourself in the mirror really slow while you're doing it.

It makes you do the Czech.

It's dirty.

It might be nice.

I don't know.

It's like one of those weird small countries in Europe that's so nice, so fucking nice.

Over at a good friend's, hanging out at a cacti radio,

RBCP will be on tonight with a phone show in about three hours.

12 midnight Eastern Standard Time, 9 p.m. Pacific.

He's on for about an hour, usually, with this phone show.

Be sure to visit my website, madhouselive.com.

We've got podcasts there, of course.

It goes out if you get a chance.

Subscribe to them if you'd like.

Even more.

Podcasts helped out by Kokanee.

As a matter of fact, Kokanee, you just finished, which one was it, January 5th, right?

You just finished editing that, so I'm going to be posting that.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

All right, I'll post it after the show.

And I've already completed the last December one, the day after Christmas.

We did prank calls to a few stores, I think, and stuff like that.

That was a good episode.

I got that edited and ready to go.

So then we're only two shows behind then, I believe, not including this one, though.

We're still behind, Kokanee.

Let's put up the work, you know?

We'll be done.

And then we'll start going back.

Good job.

Yeah, we'll start going back to the way I had it.

I won't need your services.

You can just take it easy and, you know, thank you.

Because at that point, hopefully, I should be able to stay on top of it.

Maybe a week or two, I might not be able to do it.

And I'll ask you if you're not busy.

Maybe you could do it.

But after, you know, you seem to do a very good job of it.

You're quite the trusted man when it comes to editing episodes and prank calls, sir.

Right there.

All right, folks.

So on that note, I've got to go actually take care of something at the door real quick.

In the meantime, I'm going to play a prank call.

Give me just a moment.

We're going to come back.

We've got numbers ready to go from Lonesome Loser.

Another all-night diner in the Czech Republic.

Hopefully it's not too expensive with Google Voice.

We're about to find out, aren't we?

Breaking news here, Milkman.

RBCP died in a car accident.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

RBCP died in a car accident.

Who?

RBCP.

Who in the world is that?

Just an acquaintance of ours.

So we're having a prayer circle get-together.

He's supposed to do the phone show tonight, but he can't.

He's young up in there already.

Woman.

Damn.

Oh, I'm back.

He don't even care.

Listen, don't hang up.

Look at here.

Don't call him.

No, no, ten times.

God damn it.

CALL SOMEBODY ELSE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING BACK!

God damn it!

I like that one.

Yeah, I haven't titled it yet, but that's a nice one.

Nice is short and sweet.

There are a few long pranks in this one, too.

Hey, listen, buddy, I wanted to see if we could get a prayer circle going on there.

How much space do you have available?

How many people could I bring in for prayer?

We're trying to do an emergency prayer here.

Emergency prayer?

Yeah, we're trying to get a group of, like, well, as many as you can accommodate.

I'm a little confused why I'm... if... what exactly is this gonna be?

Well, there's a gentleman, Artie Lang,

who's in a hospital after a suicide attempt,

and we're all getting together to do a, you know,

the congregation needs a place to meet together to do a prayer,

an emergency prayer.

He's in intensive surgery right now.

They're going to put him under any second now.

So we're going to come do a prayer.

We need to go to your place.

Well, we decided we're going to your place,

but we want to know how many of us can go there.

Are you going to start doing any cover charges?

And, you know, basically, you know, it's a religious thing,

so absolutely no alcohol.

We'll bring you business, but absolutely no alcohol while we're there.

We can't have that.

Okay.

Well, I mean, we can probably do 50 people.

50 people?

Can you put all those chairs in a big circle?

No.

I don't know how we're supposed to do it, then.

I don't know if you were going to...

I'm a little confused as to why you would want to do an emergency prayer at a bar, though.

This is a place that can hold a lot of people, you know?

Well, yeah, but we keep our upstairs closed, so right now we only have the dining room.

That's fine, yeah.

I mean, well, except when it comes to the seats, we probably have maybe 20 to 25 seats.

Are they stuck to the floor, or can you move them?

Well, half of them are, and then the other ones are the swings that are at the bar, which they can't be removed.

So the only amount of chairs that you could actually move around are probably right around 20.

All right, but that's good enough, then, and then we could have half the people in the swings and then another half on the chairs.

and how many, like what's the science say about how many people could be there

according to the sheriff's marshal?

How many?

Yeah, how much does the science say?

I don't even remember.

I can't see it from my position right now,

so I don't know exactly off the top of my head.

Well, it's probably the amount of people that are going to want to come

or a large congregation.

Well, at the same time, I mean, I can't,

our max capacity is including the whole bar, so I can't,

and you wouldn't have access to the whole bar.

No, well, yeah, like I said, you know, when we come in,

there can be absolutely no alcohol sales or anything.

I mean, we'll bring you business, we'll buy whatever else, but...

No, and I understand that, but either way, the access to the other parts of the bar, I can't, it's not open right now.

But I mean, even people...

It's only the main floor.

I'm talking even at the bar, like anybody else who's not affiliated, we can't have them, you know, consuming beverages.

Well, no, and that's fine, and, you know, anybody can come in, it's not a problem, it's just...

Well, I'm saying if someone, if another patron comes in, you have to tell them that you can't serve them alcohol, even if it's not one of us.

I mean, anyway, there can be no consumption of alcohol on the premises at all.

While you're in here?

Absolutely not.

Well, I can't turn away another customer who's interested in drinking.

It was a prayer service.

It was a consecration of the body and blood of Christ.

And that's fine.

If you guys wanted to bring some people in and you guys wanted to do that,

that wouldn't be a problem,

but I couldn't turn away another patron who was looking to drink

when they were paying a customer.

We'll compensate you for it.

I mean, we'll buy.

What else do you have there that's not alcoholic?

Orange juice?

Yeah, there's, you know, Coke products, juices, there's, you know, food.

Any corn fritters?

No.

You got a lot of gluten there, a lot of stuff with gluten?

I have no idea.

All right.

Well, honestly, you know, we're going to...

Honestly, I don't think this is your place, then.

No, we're already committed at this point.

I think it's going to be about...

Hang on.

Because the other congregation...

Yeah, because it's like two congregations.

And the one congregation already committed 25.

And then we've got about 28 here, I think.

And there might be a few other people showing up later on that are getting out of work.

So we're looking at probably, you know, close to 40, 50 people within the next hour that probably arrive.

Okay, well, I mean, if you wanted to, you know, do that, that's fine,

but I'm just saying I can't turn away any other customers.

No, absolutely not.

No, absolutely, there's not going to be any sales of alcoholic beverages

while any of these children are there.

Absolutely not, sir, no.

No, and that's fine.

Then you're accepting that there's not going to be any sale of alcoholic beverages,

or you can be held liable.

Are you talking about any sale of alcohol to your group or other people outside of your group?

Outside of our group, absolutely not.

They're welcome to come and participate in the congregation and the consecration of the Eucharist.

No, I can't. That's fine, but that can't happen.

I can't turn away a customer who is interested in paying to buy alcohol

just because you guys in here are doing what you need to do.

Well, you just kindly explain, Mr. Customer, Mrs. Customer,

there's a religious event going on here.

We do this every year.

Annually, we host this event for them.

Just lie. Just make it up.

And no, but at the same time, the purpose of our job is to serve beverages of that sort to people.

And we have the right not to refuse service.

The case, we are not a church.

Honestly, I'm going to say that you guys should probably look for...

Maybe, is there a manager I can talk to or something?

He's currently out, so I'm the one that's here.

You're in charge?

Yes.

Where's your papers at?

What do you mean, our papers?

The business papers, where are they?

This show, we really didn't have anything set to say.

Either you accept this deal or I'm going to talk.

I'm friends with Bob Morton, and they're going to pull all your papers, all your permits and papers.

I'm sorry, but, I mean, the purpose of a bar is to sell alcoholic beverages.

That's the type of clientele that we're looking at.

Do you want to be responsible?

I can't.

Do you want to be responsible for the papers getting pulled there?

Then you'd be my guest.

But we're coming in, and there's not going to be any alcohol sold there at all.

No.

We have several alcoholics.

But if there's somebody who's looking to buy an alcoholic beverage,

I can't turn them away just because you're present.

Well, we have recovering alcoholics, drug addicts who are part of this congregation.

We have minors.

I'll tell you what.

If you want to come in, you can come in.

But I have customers that I can take care of right now.

So if you want me to see you in an hour, that's fine.

You need to tell those customers to start wrapping it up

because we're coming in and there's not a drop of alcohol there.

That's fine.

If you want to come in, that's fine.

But I've got to go, man.

You tell them right now.

Now, all right, good, everybody.

Dry bar there today.

Dry bar, that's an interesting concept.

All right, everybody, that's that.

That was an untitled prank call also that I've edited.

A little too long, I think, to release as an official prank call.

I don't know why you think, Kogan.

It's a bit long, right?

Would it come out to like five minutes, I think, or something longer than that?

That's too long to put on the podcast.

I think it's like six or seven.

Yeah, five and a half or something like that.

Five and a half or something.

I might condense it, man, because he just gets progressively angry.

He isn't crazy funny.

But it's interesting.

I don't think it's worthy of inclusion in the...

Yeah, he was. He's a smart guy.

Smart dude. Anyway, calling

the new one here. The first number of the night.

This is the Juha Vrana

in the Czech Republic, who I

understand has hot chicks, according to

Napoleon. The cost of this call is

three cents per minute.

Yeah, not bad. We could do that.

Listen, there's someone over there drinking beers

and my family had to see a man drinking

beers over there. Yes, hi. Is this the

Czech Republic diner?

Jesus. This is the

the republic diner we're just going to call a totally different republican diner i'm calling

republican diners a czech republic diner this one is called the use the lad oh my god i'm gonna

fucking pronounce it the z fucking diner maybe this this call won't suck as bad cost of this

call is three cents per minute hey what's going on this is that diner place a diner damn it

yeah but you got food there right food yeah i want to make an order for room service room 12

Room 12?

Yes.

Okay, and what do you want to eat? What would you like to eat?

Give me some strawberries.

Room number 12.

Uh-huh, I want some strawberries. I want some eggs.

Room number 12.

Please confirm.

Room number 12.

Room number 12, I need strawberries, I need some eggs.

Do you have any fish? Puna? Sardines?

I think it's room number 12, no.

Oh, you know, this is room number 12.

No.

Yes.

And your name is?

This is Valente.

I think so.

No, how about you just leave it at the front desk for me?

You give me some strawberries, and if you don't believe me,

I'll come down.

But this is not room service.

This is walk service.

If you're refusing to bring the food to my room.

Number 12.

Son, listen to me.

If you don't bring...

It's not possible.

Listen, you bring the strawberries.

You know what I'm saying?

Listen, listen.

I snuck in.

I snuck into the hotel.

I'm in room number 12.

I'm not supposed to be in here.

I'm not paying to be in here,

but I'm in room number 12.

Come to reception.

No, no, no.

You come to room number 12.

Right now with my strawberries.

What else did I ask for?

I forgot already.

What else do I...

Room number 12.

Yeah, eggs.

They're next to the reception.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so bring eggs and fucking strawberries right now.

I'm watching you right now.

I'm not a receptionist.

Listen, listen.

Listen, you hear me?

I'm knocking on the door.

You hear it?

Which hotel is it?

It's the Zlatno Stramu.

You Zlat...

Zlatejo Stramu.

Okay.

And you are in room number 12.

Yes, I'm looking at you right now, and I want you...

Why do you look...

Why did you stop looking like that?

Stop it.

Over here.

You see me?

Hello?

No, come to the door right now.

Bring...

I'm not coming out.

No, I don't have any pants on. I'm in my robe, my bathrobe.

Okay, bye.

I'm calling back.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

Listen, I'll be honest with you, okay? I'm going to be honest with you.

I've been watching you from the door, you know, from the room, room number 12,

and I want you to come in the room with me, and I want you to sit down on the bed with me.

Ah, no.

Please, come on. I mean, I've never talked about this before, but...

Room number 12 is not occupying, I see in computer, it's stupid.

No, just come to the bedroom, come on.

Come to the bedroom with me.

He's thinking about it.

He's thinking about doing it.

Well, if I remember, I'll call him back,

saying that I'm still in room number 12 waiting on him.

Anyway, it's 9.25 p.m. and we've done, what, one prank call really at this point.

The Magic are about to win their game, 99-82 over the Bucs.

They take on the Wizards on Friday.

Is that the All-Star break?

When's the All-Star game?

I'm asking.

Okay, you don't know.

You're Canadian.

They don't have NBA in Canada.

They do.

One city.

Used to be two.

We have hockey.

Is hockey heating up right now?

Isn't it?

Isn't it big right now?

It's starting to...

Hockey.

Keep hearing about hockey.

All these people.

All the white people at work talking about hockey a lot.

Hockey, hockey.

Justin asking, who watched the Pro Bowl?

You know, not me.

I never watched the Pro Bowl.

Like, I didn't know until the week before that...

Well, I didn't know until, like, the day of that they had moved it to the week before the Super Bowl.

But it's retarded because you don't get, like, nobody from the Colts and nobody from the Saints are playing.

So Peyton Manning isn't the quarterback.

He, in all right, you know, should be, you know, the starting quarterback for the Pro Bowl.

And so should Drew Brees on his end, I would suppose.

I don't know.

Who cares about the Pro Bowl?

I don't really care.

They should just drop it all together.

They don't need it.

They don't need an all-star thing.

I mean, I don't know.

Mikey129 asking if the Pro Bowl happened.

Yep.

Yes, sir, it did.

Well, the phone is ringing.

What you been eating tonight, man?

What's on the menu? What was dinner?

Fucking sick. You fucking pervert.

You fucking sick fucking bastard.

You know that really? You would do that?

I bite it. I bite it.

I bite it right. I let you go balls deep in my mouth.

There's like a bite your cock off right at the fucking base.

Right at the base.

You're gonna bleed all over the fucking place, you fuck.

You'd probably be standing for like a minute.

I wonder how long it'd take you to fucking pass out.

There's a lot of blood on the cock, man.

Especially when it's hard.

Oh, you'd fucking love it, though.

You'd be sitting there deeply.

I'd have it all over me, man.

It'd be like that fucking scene.

And what was the movie where it started raining blood?

There was a movie where it started raining blood from the ceiling.

What was that movie?

Blade.

That's what it was, Blade.

Remember Blade?

That was a good movie.

The first Blade.

I didn't watch any of the other ones.

I figured they sucked because they were called Blade 2.

Stuff like that.

It's got the making of a bad fucking movie.

Yeah?

What happened in the end?

Were there good vampires in bed?

I liked them all.

Yeah?

The first one was cool.

It was some crazy, you know, it was a crazy white guy that, you know, was like Blade's dad.

And then...

What?

It was something weird.

Wasn't it some chick who was, like, in a mortuary or something?

And, like, Kristen Sleitner, wasn't he one of the fucking guys?

And it was, like, this computer that was looking at the Bible in reverse

and making the code out of some papers.

I don't know.

Sounded fun.

Let me look here for this fucking number here.

There we go.

Oz Pizza.

Give them a call.

This place has a live webcam.

That's what you can see inside.

I'm looking, but it's dark.

Yeah, but I'm looking at it now.

It's a dark video.

Lonesome has it.

let me uh see if i can paste it here but i just see it's a dark page right now i'm running a

little slow tonight i'll be honest with you i'm not in a very showy mood but i'm here i'll tim

i'll take a few jabs at the old you know the old hornet's nest such as uh milkman would say that's

what he calls vagina the hornet's nest which just says a whole thousand number of things of what

happened to him when he grew up the way he was raised that he calls pussy a hornet's nest but

hey that's you not me speaking of biting cocks off i got a feeling that happened now all right

Here's a strip club in the Czech Republic.

It's their honeymoon.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

Recharge the batteries.

They take a week off, man.

Vacation somewhere.

Hey, what's going on, big girl?

How you doing?

Hey.

What's up, big girl?

How you doing?

Big girl?

Yeah, what's up?

What does it mean, big girl?

I don't know.

You're a big girl.

What's up, big girl?

I see you.

Want the fat or I don't know what you want.

I don't know what you want.

I'm calling because I got a problem.

them some woman down there put this paper in my pocket it's got some stupid codes on it i want

explanation what is this codes that they put in my fucking pocket hello hi listen some woman was

over there dancing all on top of me and she put this note in my dancing listen she put a note

she put a piece of paper with some weird codes in my front pocket and what's the deal it's just

some kind of spy shit one more please i want to know the meaning about the codes words give me

the command codes right now you mean uh for escort or for what no i want the codes i want the codes

right now the business codes listen to me transfer control the codes over to me transfer control

right now the business to me you understand no i don't understand you i don't know what is a

business code i want you to close the business right now command you it's all right you call

to the nightclub and i'm a bartender and i'm here for taking some information about the girl if you

you want a girl for escort i can i can send you the girl for escort i had a girl already

i can tell you some information but listen i had a girl already you had a goat okay

okay and she she put these codes what she gave me a paper our paper though they had an escort

she gave me codes on a piece of paper i think she's a spy she gave you she gave me these secret

codes. She gives you the secret codes? Yes. What is the secret? I don't know. I'm trying to crack

the code. With some girl? Yes. With who? Tell me the name of the girl. I don't know her name. I

don't understand. It was like Rahaha or something. Rahaha. I don't know what is the secret code. We

haven't the secret code. But listen, I think she was a spy. I think she's, you know, I think she

confused me for a spy. No, she doesn't do that. No, she did. She gave me the secret codes and I

I want answers right now.

Go get her.

I don't know what is the secret code.

Okay, well, you know, who's the big girl there?

Ray?

The big girl, that one big girl, you know?

The biggest girl.

And you had, uh, you had a escort tonight?

Yes, she's that one big girl.

And our girl is not, we haven't a big girl.

You don't have a big girl?

What's the biggest girl you have there?

That's who it was.

So I'm sorry, but I don't know what you mean.

Listen, I just want to get to the bottom of these codes here, all right?

I'm going to get to the bottom of these command codes.

Code service.

I know.

And I have the codes now.

I want you to know I have your codes.

You know, we haven't the big bike you like.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

Listen, can you send her back?

I don't know.

We haven't the big bike you like.

Oh, send me a girl.

Send me a girl.

Where?

I'm at the Zoo's Tejo.

Hello, guys.

I don't have an escort.

Fucking music.

Fucking gay Europe music.

I don't have an escort.

So I'm sorry, but which type of girl do you want?

Any girl.

Whatever.

What do you got?

You got a nice girl who likes to party?

Sorry.

I think it will be better if you will come here.

No, no.

You got a girl.

You got a girl here.

She has a girl.

It will be better for you, I think.

No, with a pink vagina, you know?

A girl like that.

Sorry?

With a vagina.

I don't know.

You know, I'm a bartender.

Okay, well, send me the girl. Come on, man.

I don't care who it is.

So, I think it will be better if you come here tomorrow.

Listen. No, listen. Do your women have vagina or not?

Of course.

Then say it. That's all I want.

You can just send one of those if you want.

Just send the vagina down. That's it.

Okay, but you haven't... You didn't prefer type girl?

Do you have blonde girl?

Of course, yes.

Okay, blonde girl, yeah. That kind of girl, you know.

Sassy. A little bit of sassy.

Okay, but I need your address, I need your name.

I'm at the hotel.

I need your mobile phone.

I'm at the hotel.

And for how long do you want to go?

Just for maybe like eight hours.

Three?

Eight hours.

It doesn't matter.

Four.

We didn't do this long escort.

Okay, one hour then, one hour.

Okay.

You know, I think, can you call tomorrow?

No, I call now.

Damn it, I'm not going to be here tomorrow.

I got business to take care of.

but you know i want vagina give me vagina please vagina i'm sorry but uh our client clear not

speaking like this listen sorry listen if i come down they're gonna have your vagina you understand

don't make me come down there so try to call another cop okay i'm gonna take your vagina i

think it will be better i'm gonna take your vagina yeah but you told me some bullshit something about

Well, that's why I like the girls, our girls, and I need our girls' safety.

I don't think so if he will be safe with you.

I'm sorry for this.

I think your girls are sick.

But I think she didn't want to be safe.

I think you're a donkey.

You have AIDS.

He must be safe.

I don't want herpes.

Come on.

Secret code? What is this bullshit?

Because, you know, listen, from America you have to have a secret code when you want to do it with the girl.

Because it's not legal there, so you gotta have a secret code.

Okay, so tell me your name, please.

This is Valente.

Okay, tell me your name, please.

Valente.

Valente!

Valentin.

Valente!

Where you stay in the hotel?

Yeah, this is Zulatejo Stromu.

Can you spell it?

U-A-O-R-O-M-U.

That's so handy.

Andy.

Six, you know where Karlova is?

I have a mobile phone.

Yeah, you ready?

Can you send me, I will give you the number.

Can you send me the name and the address of the hotel?

No, I can't send international texts.

This is my work number.

It's from the work.

You can call me, but I can't send text internationals.

It's too expensive.

They'll fire me from work.

Crazy.

Can you send me the name and the address of the hotel where you stay?

To your mobile phone?

Yeah, we have a mobile phone.

I will give you the number of our mobile phone.

And I'll call it.

And can you send me the message with your name, the name of the hotel, and the address?

Hurry up.

Yeah, you can.

Yeah, whatever.

Shut up.

Give me it.

Damn it.

It's 7-3-7-6-8-2-4-2-0.

420, yeah.

Cool, I'm going to call you there.

420-737-6.

421-327-6.

No, no, no, it's plus.

Uh-huh.

3-7-6-8.

Got it.

Plus 420-737-6-8-2-3.

Call the number.

The cost of this call is 19 cents per minute.

I don't like that.

We pissed off.

That cost me 19 cents right there.

there just to ring it just to ring it oh man anyway everybody that was a long call to the

czech republic that was a sweet paradise strip club over there that lady sounded useless

yeah pretty much i'm looking for carl please give me a call yeah last week we had the um

oh man the what was it a mattress with brown stains for giveaway they got a lot of people

calling say they were sleeping on the floor this and that i'm sorry you didn't get any call

What? What the fuck was that? Hang on.

Is this some Jamaican guy calling from a pirate radio station?

It won't play again now. Fucking piece of shit.

Did you hear that? We just got a voicemail from some guy in New York.

It's like, yo, man. I think it was Great Scott.

Let's hear it again. Let me try to boost the audio.

Boost that gain, Kokanee. Come on now. Milkman's not here anymore.

You gotta boost the gain. You gotta learn how to boost the gain

I'm sorry you didn't get any call, but this is Bob Charlie saying I love your show and one love for 105.3 The Fire, ya heard?

One love to all my friends here in Kingston as well. Peace out. Much love.

105.3 The Fire. Nice. 105.3 The Fire. Okay.

Where did that call come from?

95.3 The Fire. 98.6 The Mouth. Let's see what this is.

Someone insulted me from Phone Losers probably.

Hello? Yes.

How's it going?

Good.

This is Fire Charlie from 105.3.

What's up, Fire Charlie?

How you doing, man?

Thanks for checking in.

I'm doing well.

I just wanted to say that I got hooked onto your show.

Be a maven.

I just wanted to say much love to you.

Okay.

Is this like a pirate radio station, or what are you doing exactly?

I run a whole radio station.

You know, reggae, R&B, hip-hop, all that.

I've heard of it, yeah.

Yeah, 105.3.

The fire is the number one station.

You heard?

All right, everybody.

105.3, the fire.

Okay, cool.

Okay, from 98.6, the mouth, to 105.3.

Dude, fucking, yeah, man.

One love, yes.

Yes, one love, Rasta.

All right.

Bye, homie.

That's cool.

There you go.

See, there you go.

There's your answer, Kokanee.

It's Bob Charlie from 105.3, the Rasta.

The what?

The fire?

I like it.

I don't think we're at depth before somebody full plug-ins themselves.

I don't know we're that big already.

Is it really such a thing, or is just some guy fucking...

I think it's just some high.

Oh, my God.

Some dude, he's fucking high.

I'm going to say 105.3, the fire.

That's a good name for a radio station, bro.

That's cool.

There's 105.3 Cat Country.

We should prank call 105.3 stations tonight in honor of that guy.

Alright, what's the loser saying?

The chat cam should be up now.

Let's take a look here.

Well, not the chat cam, but the prank cam.

Oh, fuck, if I didn't forget to record the fucking loss.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Listen, by chance, I forgot to set loss to record, didn't I?

It was the...

Probably.

Could you check to see if it started at 10 instead of 9?

It might be a 10 o'clock one.

Okay.

Alright.

All right, well, talk to you later.

All right, well, just let me know on the break.

I love you.

All right, love you, too.

Bye.

Many, many flowers.

Yeah, women don't like that.

All right, Oz Pizza, what were we going to call before?

They took out the prices of flowers.

Oh, they're going to go up.

Oh, really?

I've heard of this, yeah.

Oh, they're going to, like, double.

Oh, yeah, they just come out.

Mm-hmm.

Double.

Sick.

Cares about flowers anyway, really.

Pizza Farmer, how may I help you?

Hey, what's going on?

Listen, you got those pizza runners?

Pizza runners?

Yeah.

Who's this?

This is Valente.

I was wondering if you had those Pizza Runners there.

Pizza Runners? There are. We are still here.

No, but runners. You don't serve those there, Pizza Runners?

No sir, we don't.

This ain't that place by the beach, is it?

No sir, it's not.

Oh wow, you know we're near the beach?

No sir, we're not.

Man.

Can I put an order in anyway then?

Sure can, as long as you're here about 10 o'clock.

Oh, you doing delivery?

No sir, we don't deliver.

Oh, okay.

Alright, well give me an order. Put me down for an order then.

Okay, what can I get for you?

You got sandwiches there or just pizzas?

We have hot tub.

Yeah?

They got deli meat?

No, sir.

It's just regular sized meatballs, and then we have Italian sausage and chicken.

All right.

Why don't you put all that in a pizza for me?

What size?

Like, you have extra large or just large?

Just large.

All right.

Put it in a large pizza just with all that, and then we're going to roll it up.

So you basically, okay, so you want chicken, sausage, and meatballs, okay?

And then we're going to roll it up, the whole thing.

That's a pizza runner.

Okay.

Right.

Uh-huh.

Well, I want to make sure you get it rolled up right there, you know?

You've got to bake it for a little bit.

Mm-hmm.

But we don't do that here, though.

What about fryer?

You got fryer there?

No, sir, we don't.

Will they still be able to roll up the pizza, though?

I mean, that'd be cool, right?

I mean, we can make you a calzone where we just fold the dough over.

No, well, it's like a big pizza.

Just roll it up.

Mm-hmm.

Roll it up like, you know, like it's a marijuana cigarette.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

No, sir, we can't do that.

Well, do it.

Come on.

Not really.

Really.

It's just folding of the fucking bread.

It's just taking the pizza that's made and folding it over twice on top of itself.

That's all it is.

Am I asking for that much?

No, sir, but may I ask who's calling?

I told you this is Valente.

And if I didn't tell you, I'm sorry.

But I've explained this with all I need.

Very simply, you're the third place I call.

I want you to make the pizza like that, and I want it rolled up.

That's it.

Okay, we can do that for you.

That's fine.

I want your assurances that it's going to be done.

As a matter of fact, put me on with the...

Who's the cook back there?

The cook?

His name would be Marcos.

Put Big Marcos on the line.

I got to talk to him.

Marcos, come here.

Hello?

Listen, that girl over there said that you're not able to roll up the pizza after it's made.

Well, what's your problem, man?

Why can't you do it?

She said she has a problem with it, but you're complaining that you can't do it.

I mean, I don't know how do you want it, but if you can tell her I can make it.

I'm not going to sit back there and do your work for you now.

Now, you're rolling up this pizza for me right now, son.

Okay.

Are you going to roll it up exactly?

Yeah.

Now, how?

Okay, talk to the lady in tow here, all right?

No, no, but listen, I got to talk to you.

You're the one doing it.

You're going to mess it up.

No, he said he wanted to talk to me first.

Yeah.

Well.

So, you want me to make the roll-up pizza and then roll it?

And then roll it up like a joint.

Okay.

Right.

Okay, I can try and see what happens.

Don't mess it up, because if you mess it up, I'm not paying for it.

All right.

I don't want any breaks in it or anything like that.

Okay.

All right?

Alright, get on it. How long is it going to take?

It's going to take like 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

Yeah.

Alright, you got a fryer down there?

If I got a what?

A fryer.

No.

Oh man, because they're going to light the end of the pizza on fire.

I mean, we got ovens, a rug oven.

You got a big microwave you can put it in after you roll it up so it stays tight?

I mean, it's not to be the microwave that we have over here.

I got a big microwave, though. Bring it.

Okay, you said to the lady, because we almost closed the channel.

Okay, yeah, let me get the microwave. All right, go put her on. I'll make arrangements.

Okay, sir.

So listen, do I need to bring like an extension cable, or do you got one there?

We have a microwave here, but we don't have an extension cord.

All right, so I'll bring my extension cord for my microwave.

Okay, that's fine.

All right.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

And if you take down your contact information, I'll have your name.

Valente.

And your phone number.

Uh-huh, 407-

Uh-huh.

459-

Uh-huh.

4534.

Okay, so you want chicken, Italian sausage, and meatball on the pizza.

Right.

Roll on your pizza runner.

Right, and then we're going to roll it up.

Okay, no problem.

All right, cool.

I'll see you then.

How long?

Ten minutes?

Yes, sir.

I'll be there.

Okay, no problem.

You think they're really going to do it?

I'm going to call back in ten minutes and ask about my fucking pizza joint, my pizza runner.

It's an homage to Reckland.

Maybe he'll call in now.

What time is it?

9.53?

Fuck.

Noonan reminded me we're talking about doing food orders and at the end yelling really loud to give me some shit to drink.

the dead's here everyone run the dead's here everybody run the dead we're finding out the

secret source the arm we haven't heard from the arm in a long time everybody i don't know if you

guys uh i don't know if you remember kokanee but the arm i'm talking about the secret source he

always gives us the mouth well the arm is the most secret source and here we have evidence

apparently unbeknownst to us the dead speaking of arms is now a fucking weapon carrier there you go

there's your proof right there posting right there the dead and his firearm owner's identification

identification card has been tracked by a secret source of the arm and we're all on alert here

hopefully he does not come he doesn't get angry about this and start shooting manhouse listeners

across the country did that explain that what are you doing with weapons man what do you need a gun

for why does the dead have guns why does he need them i just pose these questions to you oh did

it six foot tall that's not bad six foot 158 what the fuck yeah well dude you can't take piss out of

of a pool, sir. You can't take pee out of a

pool. You post something on the internet, man. We got

it here. The arm has it for sure.

Hey, Milkman. Hey, Milkman.

You're not in the chat yet. Milkman, you're

not in the chat yet, but when you do, let me know. I gotta send

you a link to a... We got

a copy of the dead's firearm

weapon carrying license.

Kidding you. He has a gun ready for us.

Alright, I'm sorry, D-Day. You know I'm

sorry. Maybe I should not have posted that.

Look, I'm already in trouble. I did that to the dead.

I called Athena, Big Athena. I'm in

all hell of a trouble.

blast from the past right there give me a second i gotta take care of something here real quick be

right back in a second hey buddy i have reservations there confirm them for me immediately what's your

name sir this is valente jack valente when are you due to arrive sir i'm at the airport now and

i've been waiting on my shuttle so why don't you start by telling me where my ride is excuse me

sir why don't you start by telling me where my goddamn i heard you sir i just don't understand

you right don't be nasty with me all i get is shit from you europeans because i'm american

Don't you be racist with me. This is America. I'm American. I'm superior to you now. Where's my ride fuck you right back bastard guy

They hate fucking Americans. Fuck them

What position do you have a night manager? Okay, maybe you can help me out with this

All right, this is gonna sound kind of crazy, but I've been caught different places. No, no, let me do it

So he's in prison execution for next Saturday. He wanted to be a burger

He loves hamburgers and stuff, but instead of messing with him, he shouts at the jailhouse and everything, you know.

If it would be okay for him to sit down, you know, we're all gone, and maybe he'll die from the poison or from the injection.

Do you think that's a possibility?

I have no idea. You would have an owner.

I mean, if there's nobody in the store, well, he gets the wrong kind of ketchup.

He has a thing for hunts instead of hunts.

You'd have to talk to the owner, and she's the one that makes it.

As a matter of fact, if you want to, you know, I can, like, have you work out a deal or something like that.

I don't know.

If you want it to her, she's working in the morning.

Can you call in the morning?

You know what, make you know what?

If, girl, I'd hate it if, like, the whole staff came down there and saw him at the, you know,

at least a little bit of his face so he can kind of take his mouth a little bit.

Hey, I can't make that decision.

Make my uncle's last meal something good, you know what I'm saying?

I know.

I know, but I can't make a decision, though.

Well, can you write him, like, you know, like, kind of take a hamburger and smear it on the paper so it smells like a burger?

Kind of like a scratch and sniff?

I could do that.

I have a question.

I know, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Why are you laughing?

I don't know.

I just, uh...

No, ma'am, no, uh-uh, no.

You do not laugh at a customer.

No, you know, my uncle's about to die.

You don't want someone on the phone to laugh.

I know.

No, this is some serious stuff.

I know, I know the term is crazy.

It's going to last a little bit, but it don't last.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's too late for apologies.

See, people like you are the same ones that made my uncle do this.

People like you. Some man laughed at him at the shoe store for him buying a pair of shoes too small and walking in front of it.

And he don't shoot the guy. And he didn't even hit the guy. He ran in front of the car and the car hit the man.

Don't even mind killing him.

Yeah, and justice is terrible these days. People just get the wrong idea.

And you got the wrong idea about me.

They want to judge quickly.

No, no, no. This is to tell you, can you please go in the office and listen. Show us one thing.

One thing, I don't have an office. Just an employee here. I don't make the decisions.

Well, you're a manager, so therefore you have some kind of authority.

I mean, I just don't appreciate you sitting on the phone laughing.

Well, my uncle about to...

Sorry about your uncle. Sorry about the...

All it is is a white man trying to pull a black man down.

This is some Rodney King type stuff.

There's nothing I can do.

Yes, there is. There really is a lot of stuff you can do.

First of all, you can start by not laughing no more.

Second of all, you can start by actually sounding like you care about what I'm talking about.

I laughed and laughed. No, I haven't.

I'm sure white people do shit.

Hey, now, you're being prejudiced against us.

And how do you know if I'm white or not?

Tell your wife.

I could be Mexican, or I could be black.

You're not Mexican.

If you're, you know, Mexican in the nighttime,

can't wake up early in the morning and pick oranges.

You're not Mexican.

How do you know I'm not black?

Because if you're black, you would relate to me on the right of kings that you want.

You're white.

You did this on behalf of black men in America.

I blame you for killing another black man.

It is your fault.

It's your fault.

Appreciate none of this.

N-double-A-C-P, they ain't helping with nothing.

You know what?

Malcolm X was right. We should go to B-Doll, everybody, make y'all pick cotton and water for us, then you'll recognize something.

Okay, you're right.

You know I'm right. You better realize, recognize stuff you're about right now, because people like you are killing my uncle.

I'm really sorry about your uncle.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry about your uncle.

What if it was your uncle? What, you're telling me to laugh about it?

My brother got murdered five years ago, so I know how it feels when part of your family dies.

Hey, okay, okay, well, um, ma'am, uh, you were laughing, so apparently, I, I, you don't want those things.

Well, I thought it was a joke.

No, this is serious business.

Why would you call burgers at the same time?

I told you from the get-go, I told you from the get-go, this is some serious stuff, and you had to go and laugh.

Well, I thought you were screwing with me at first.

Well, first of all, he's kind of overweight, and I guess that's it for cholesterol, and loves y'all burgers oh so much.

See, that's the reason why.

You ever, you ever thought about that one?

I mean, just, you know.

But, you know, it's people's choice to eat, not my choice.

You know what, as a matter of fact, I just have a bad thought.

As a matter of fact, I think if this whole lethal injection thing wasn't to kill them, Burger Hut would have done it.

Well, that's what fast food is. It's full of grease.

Why are you going to stab me?

It's full of grease.

And since it's so full of grease, you're going to say that your food is too good for my uncle who's on death row to eat?

You know what, it's other people's decision to eat fast food and get big and have cholesterol.

I have a question.

Do you smoke cocaine?

They know it.

You're talking kind of funny.

What's that?

Are you under the influence at work?

Oh, what?

You're kind of, you know, a little, a little bit.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

I have a question.

Do you mind if I come down there and talk to you?

Well, actually, I am closed.

Oh.

So I'm talking to you on aftercare.

Then I'll get you on the phone then.

So I have to go.

Well, I'll go to Burger King.

I don't care about no anyway.

Hang on.

We said bye, everybody.

We played this movie already.

I think we did.

Fuck.

That's DJ Glowworm, Milkman.

Man, good friend of yours.

You haven't heard from him in a long time, huh?

The Milkman song.

You know what?

I'll be honest with you.

I've been looking for the Milkman song.

Nunu, if you're out there, I don't know what the fuck I did with it.

I can't find the damn Milkman song from last week.

It'll be like the fifth time that he's had to send it to me.

Nice little tune, but I can't find it.

I'm sure Nunu will get right on top of that.

Call

back that hotel from earlier tonight.

A little longer.

At least take longer than they say, you know.

Call them after this one here, buddy.

Keep me on top of that, though.

The cost of this call is three cents per minute.

A lot of pain and tension in my abdominis tonight.

Listen, this is room number 12.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Listen, I've been waiting for a gentleman to come over here to spend company time with me.

I'm looking for the company of a man, and I'm in room number 12.

I'm watching you from...

And you keep wanting to do your work, but I want you to come over here now.

Stop being silly and come here.

It's not room number 12.

No.

I'm watching you from room number 12, but I'm calling from a different time.

And?

We are not in room number 12.

I'm in the future.

Seriously, though, come down and come to room number 12.

Spend some time with me.

He doesn't believe me about the future thing.

All right, you sing it to me if you still remember the milkman.

All right.

yeah let's remember that everybody milkman that should be your ringtone look what you've been

around what's he doing silent see y'all pissed off again harvest is queuing up icp oh boy i just

love insane clown posse those aren't the most annoying fans in the world i'll give you i'll

give you a list of the most annoying fans in the world jets fans eagles fans icp fans there you go

thank you everybody yes they're not they're not annoying though nicks fans new york nicks fans

fans are annoying also. Soccer fans, all of them. Annoying. All right, we're getting a

webcam here from Lonesome Loser along with a direct number to the DJ at the place. Take

a look at that here and share that with the folks in the chat room. You are listening

to Madhouse Radio tonight, for better or for worse. We're in hour number two of three.

Let me turn it down.

That's better.

All right, so I'm looking at a webcam.

It's this very old man.

It looks about Milkman's age here at this radio studio,

and I believe we can call him.

I should have phone mobbed this guy.

Let me share this link.

We got a request to print coming in from York Duffin.

Duffern.

Dufferns.

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

You know, I like the...

I'm trying to remember one of those I like.

The Great Malenko.

I have that album.

them. But it's just the fans themselves

just got annoying.

We have your picture ready. Okay, you do?

Alright, well, how long does it mean...

I mean, how long are you still open until?

I mean, we're really close.

Oh, shoot.

Is it all rolled up and stuff?

Yep. Awesome. Alright, man, I'll be right

there. I'm just going to take it, because we're really close.

Yeah, I'm going to put my shoes on.

I'll be right there. Alright. Whatever. Cool.

I'm going to tell him to meet me outside the next time he calls.

Well, I should have told him now, right? Because we've got a

webcam out there. Actually, matter of fact,

Yeah, I could call back and say, hey, just meet me outside because we have the webcam.

Maybe we can catch, well, someone's got to send her that.

I don't understand the damn webcam.

Someone send her in the front of that pizza place.

Yeah, I'm just working on it right now, actually.

Yeah.

Trying to get the front of this place.

All right, let's see if they're closed.

I'm going to tell them I'm going to be right there at the front,

see if they can wait for me up front.

But it's insane.

Yankee fans don't have to be annoying.

They're number one.

Okay, true.

I think any fans that have, like, a chant, like, you know, the fucking Jets,

it's just, like, I just tell you, I go to, like, the Ale House sometimes on a Sunday.

day I'll go to the ale house to watch NFL, you know, fucking eat wings and watch NFL

with Fafino or with some friends or something like that. And the Jet fans are there and

all you hear is fucking J-E-T-E-S. Fuck them. They getting into fights. Jets. Jets. Jets.

Man. Jets. Jets. You know, they have an ace on the end of that jet. Jets. Jets. All right.

I went in for the old guy to come back to the DJ booth so I can prank call him. I believe

I shared the webcam with you folks, right?

Yeah, there you go.

I posted it there.

Quit moving it, fuckers.

Follow on to those white boys in the chat room.

I know no respect for webcams.

Is this centered?

I'm going to call.

Hey, the Depot Diner.

Remember we used to call the Depot Diner on our Monday afternoon shows and Monday morning shows, Milkman?

Yeah, I don't think you were around for many of those.

But, hey, that's where Ernie used to hang out.

Yeah, we had Ernie throw the phone in the trash can once.

on video. Oh, man, that was funny.

Oh. Yeah. That's where that

retarded guy was. Link to

the dead's gun license.

I have a gun ready for you.

Alright, I'll send that to you. Or someone else can.

Grishnevs and RBCP fans are the

most annoying. Or the rudest.

They've called me so far. What have they said

to me? They called me piggy.

They threatened to, you know, force

oral sex on me. They've talked about my

mother. My mother's a saint.

Damn you. But I made this deal with the devil

with RBCP. It wasn't for him.

The server would have collapsed

I'm an indentured servant to Brad Carter

Alright, let's call old man at the DJ booth

Carbondale Community Access Radio

Alright

What kind of show is he doing?

I wonder

Can we play the Easy Online?

Do they got an online stream?

Let's see

Maybe we can play the audio

KDNK

That's almost KDK

With an N in the middle

Here we go, listen now

Radio station

I don't think he'll put us on the air

Callin' him

Set with Satchel

Long live Raptors

He was armed strong

And his orchestra

Vocal and the trumpet solos, Louis Armstrong also.

Well, this is KD&K Carbondale streaming worldwide at KD&K.com.

And, uh, let's see, where do we go from here?

That's a plenty of Dukes of Dixieland. Here it is.

Yeah, hey man, why don't you play some more of that jazz?

You think I'm playing Miller?

Well, I want you to play some real colored folk over there,

and I want to hear this weak white people jazz that you keep playing.

What was wrong with Louis Armstrong?

And this isn't white folks.

Most of these bands are black.

Yeah, but I want to hear some real black people playing real black music.

And I would rather hear from an African American rather than you, sir.

You're Anglo-American, aren't you?

What's so white about Louis Armstrong, he says?

Well, I got news for him.

I should have taken it easy on him.

It could have been...

Yeah, you know that one's gonna last.

Apologize.

I ruined that.

Oh, the video stream is off the air.

Yeah, that was a career or something, damn it.

Take it off.

You figure it out, people.

Oh, those internet kids are pranking me again.

I like this station.

It's a nice station.

All right, let me call in from the other mouth line, the backup emergency mouth line.

Miami line.

Okay.

The American is entering here.

The phone, the tone, come to here to make this event.

Every, to say, make this phone, the message.

To access your, please enter your fort.

Hey, this is Jack.

Jack, what can I do for you?

I was wondering, do you take requests there, or do you just have your own preset?

I do bring my music in.

What do you want to do?

I can't play it probably.

Do you have In The Mood?

In The Mood, of course.

Would you like to hear it tonight?

I'd love to hear it tonight.

When I was in Vietnam, I used to listen to that a lot, like when I was in the Wolf.

I got shot in the pancreas, and I got type 3 diabetes as a result of it.

I, you know, went kind of sick, and especially lately here, they took away my VA benefits.

Were you the guy that just called me a few minutes ago?

No, I just started listening a few minutes ago myself.

Oh, okay.

He called someone else called?

He was annoying.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I do have, John, I do have with me, John.

Jack.

Jack Masterson, yeah.

Masterson.

Jack, I do have that with me, and I'll play it in a few minutes.

All right, can you do dedications at all?

Sure I can.

Okay.

Were you dedicated to you?

Yeah, well, to me and also my brother Malcolm.

And your brother Malcolm.

Right, brother Malcolm.

If you could, you know, do you ever take collars on the air or do you just play music?

I just...

Because I'd like to talk about how Louis Armstrong was a...

He was a house negro.

And, you know, this guy you're going to play now, he was a field negro.

And the house negro, you know, was more concerned with his master than anything else.

When the flyer started in the house, the house negro would break his back trying to put the flyer out.

Now, feel near go pay for, you know, nice wind, run down the master's house.

Okay, I understand.

That's the difference between Louis Armstrong and, you know, real Africans.

Take it away.

Adios.

Yeah, finally.

I should have let him do the dedication, though.

I know, man.

Now you don't do it.

I should call back Ice Grass with the dedication.

That's, I don't know what his name is.

That's the old dude.

He took his video cam offline.

That's unfortunate.

But I like that music.

Reminds me of my grandfather.

grandfather i remember when i was in high school still and uh my uh my grandfather's brother

those are my grandfather this is my great my grand uncle i don't know what you want to call

him what was that 1906 when you was in high school oh 1906 i was in high school when i was in high

school like 90 like the mid to late 90s he used to give me a ride to work or to school or something

every once in a while and there was one am station in town that played music just like this like you

you know, from the World War II era.

And it was, like, you know, it was just for, like, really old, like, you know,

World War II vets and stuff like that.

It was out of Cocoa Beach.

Like, out, like, by NASA and stuff.

There used to be music like this.

You had to listen to it all the time.

Yeah, you tell me.

Yeah, you see, they don't play any of that rap music here.

That's right.

Uncle Roddy, I know.

That guy, he was a trip, man.

Well, somebody needs to let us know if he does play the dedication.

All right.

Yeah, please let us know.

Yeah, don't listen to this show.

Listen to him.

I remember he told me once when I was 17, I finally got around to asking him about World War II.

He was in World War II, but he didn't make it to, like, the very end.

He was, like, basically when it was all wrapping up.

He was, like, after, like, you know, Normandy and all that stuff.

He didn't have much to do.

But he was there.

You're talking about Laos and Cambodia, and then he was in Vietnam?

No, not Vietnam.

I'm talking about World War II.

But he was there after the war, too.

That's what I said, Laos and Cambodia.

Yeah, and he told me that his first marriage, he paid for it with two cartons of cigarettes, he told me, or something.

He said the German people were really poor.

And he told me for a carton of cigarettes, he had a threesome.

I'm not kidding you.

He told me this.

He was like, for a carton of cigarettes, he had a threesome with a German girl and her mom.

I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

You're actually telling me this?

He was like, I can't talk about that.

He told me, when you turn 18, I'll talk to you about it.

I'm like, okay, cool, man.

Well, at first he told me, like, we were talking about World War II,

and I said something like, yeah, you know, Hitler, you know, talking about his, you know, perfect race.

Like, perfect race? Superior race? I'll give you superior race.

He said, I can't tell you now, but when you turn 18 in three months, I'll tell you.

I'm like, just tell me. He's like, no, no, no.

When you're 18, you're a man, and I'll tell you, you know, what happened.

I'm like, okay.

And I asked him, like, after my birthday, like two days after, went over to his house.

And I said, all right. He's like, oh, it was your birthday, blah, blah, blah, you're 18 now.

And I was like, yeah, so tell me that World War II story.

And that's what it was.

They're like, really?

Like, they did stuff like that back then.

Seriously enough, he said, yeah, I mean, that's something.

Those Germans are into some freaky stuff, man.

For a carton of cigarettes.

Germans are wild, man.

Awesome.

Yeah.

All right, enough of that music, man.

Come on, what are you doing to me?

Enough of that, too.

1026.

We're going to be taking a break in about a half hour,

and then we'll join Syndicate in progress at the top of the hour.

This is Madhouse Radio.

halfway through the show, February 2nd, 2010.

Can't believe it's February already.

We're going to call Roscoe's House of Chicken. Stand by.

Manchester, may I help you?

Yeah, this is Roscoe's.

Roscoe's, Manchester, may I help you?

Oh, hey, you don't have to be nasty. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be rude. You didn't have to be.

I'm not being nasty. I just said, Roscoe's, Manchester, may I help you?

But when you said it a second time, you're kind of like, you know, like,

like, I already said it, and you're so dumb that you didn't hear it.

How may I help you?

Can I make an order, please?

Go ahead.

I'd like a 12-piece chicken.

We don't do 12 pieces.

You do 11?

I need to have things in multiples of four.

So what are you trying to get?

Well, I can't get anything that's not in a multiple of four

because I have OCD and the fucking shit will fucking crack is what will happen.

Excuse me now?

Listen, do you have a calculator there?

Because I don't know if you know your four multiples.

Well, tell your mama to line them, then.

Tell my mama to line them.

I'm going to call her a fuel negro.

Tell my mom what to line them?

Learn them.

I get it.

I thought she said line them.

Tell your mama to line them.

My mom already knows them.

We'll call my mom down in the air and she'll tell you.

Four times tables.

Four times two.

Four times four.

Four times five.

Twenty.

Right, Milkman?

What else you got?

You got four times six.

That's 24.

Hi, thank you for calling.

Roscoe's on Manchester and Maine.

That's 22.

Who's this?

What was your name?

My name's Tisha.

Because you said something about my mother or something?

No.

No, I just got to the farm.

Bunch of field Negroes over there, huh?

Oh, man.

That's a nice feeling.

Hi, thanks for calling Roscoe's on Manchester and Maine.

Listen, I'm sorry.

My wife just explained to me that it actually is bad.

I didn't know.

I thought it was, you know.

So, if you're calling here to make an order?

Yeah.

Or are you calling here to play on the farm?

No, I'm calling to make an order, but it has to be multiples of four.

Like the pieces.

What would you like?

16 piece.

We don't have a 16 piece of what?

Chicken?

Chicken, yeah.

No, of what?

We don't have soup.

16 piece chicken you got four piece soup we have four piece okay no but it has to be multiple of

four what about eight no so what about sizes that come in four and what our size is like it

depends on what do you want size you got five you got five piece right five piece of what of chicken

chicken no we have four what do you have in fives we don't have no five anything in sixes can you

please stop playing on the phone if you that bored pick up a book and read it you don't have to call

here and play on the phone i have to call her okay my bad but no

you have to call her

could i make an order for chicken and fries please sure you want three wings and french

fries yeah that's good and then i need chicken parts know what tell your mama to break her bones

and get her chicken parts.

What?

Break her bones.

Break her bones

and get the chicken parts.

Ask her if she'll give you

the fat and the skin.

This is bullshit.

My wife refused

to record Lost.

The fucking woman.

Bitch.

I know all the people.

That's a good run

to, uh,

work the TV.

Yeah, I will.

Get chicken parts

from me, dude.

Even the bones, we can make it into it.

That's it, we got some bones.

We're calling back later, that's from Bones.

Yeah, yeah, but it was time to go.

Them hoes coming eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

The cost of this call is two cunts per minute.

This song talks about chicken and fries.

God damn it.

What's wrong with these Negroes these days?

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

What's going on?

Hello.

Vincent.

I'm calling from the telephone administration.

Your phone is out of sync and it's causing a problem with an underground cable in Illinois.

In the United States, when was the last time you had this phone line calibrated by the telephone company?

Not this time of the morning, Mitch.

Well, no, you need to calibrate this right now because it's the middle of the night

and the phone is ringing off the hook in a hospital.

Calibrate it.

Is it still there?

No.

I think there's pubic hair on my microphone.

I don't know why.

It's pretty good there.

This call is two cents per minute.

That's probably why Tuck isn't here right now. He probably did it, that pervert.

Hello, we are not available now.

Please leave your name and phone number after the beep.

We will return your call.

Yes, hello, this is Valente calling back from the United States Foreign Administration.

Would you please call us back on your earliest convenience?

We have a need of you to calibrate your telephone machine as soon as possible.

Your telephone is causing a discrepancy in the underground sea cable,

and this is affecting telephones across the eastern seaboard.

If you could please call us back at your earliest convenience so we can calibrate your telephone machine for you.

The telephone number here is 01-407-449-4534 or something like that.

I gave it my wrong number.

I think I realized it's 01-407-459-4534.

I think, aren't we, we're just country code one, right?

Isn't that fucking stuck up of us?

America's country code number one.

I think that's how it works.

And it should be like that.

It should be like that.

Fuck that.

I'm going to try to download...

How easy is it to download a TV episode the night that it came out?

Is it pretty easy?

Isn't it pretty easy these days?

Can I go into that btjunkie.com forward slash org and download it?

Can I just put in Lost?

I just type in Lost and I should be able to download it in like five minutes, right?

I hope.

But I think they did put Lost on one of those Hulu's or something, right?

Isn't it online too?

ABC online?

I'm sure they put Lost up there, motherfuckers.

Artbay.org, yes, I know.

Oh, I know the site.

i'm just saying i've never really tried to i'm not that in the tv where i gotta like oh my god

i missed the show i gotta watch it it's always picked up by the dvr and if not it's on like

hbo that repeats it again during the week you know well not on abc they don't repeat shit

bob charlie saying hulu.com so apparently yeah hulu.com bob charlie did someone take that name

after what i said earlier because i got bob charlie from like the super nintendo version of

of uh punch out that was the name of the jamaican character that you boxed eric verducci calling me

a fag you're a fucking you know what you're a fucking you're a fucking nigger lover and i heard

about it too i heard you got a kid i'm sorry i don't use that word that's a milkman talking

there milkman's words not mine all right let's call the home hotel a good friend's in terran

yeah kokanee that's one of the pranks you edited out of that last show there's one where i called

Egypt and I said yeah that my wife was in a hotel room in Egypt and it goes

like oh my god yeah I think they know everything the cost of this call is

Shalom 10 cents per minute

good

Assalamualaikum

A lot of people in Tehran tonight

Hello everybody

M&M's in the fucking house

What's up M?

Hello

Assalamualaikum

Salam

You want to talk to him?

Yes

Can you spell the last name?

S-I-M

We don't have such name here

Okay, what about Couscous Olmec?

I think I know who you are.

You know, I was reading on the internets that there's a big announcement coming February 11th.

Hold on a second. Talk to somebody else.

On your Revolution Day, and I want answers.

They're on to you.

International incident. Watch what I'm going to do here for America.

Transfer to the National Guard. Republican Guard, right?

Hello, Luz Bechey.

Who is this?

They're calling the Tehran police.

Hello, Rosh Hashanah speaking.

Listen, I was talking to a woman and she said she had to transfer me. Why did she do that?

okay listen I want you to put me back to the woman I was talking to before good

the whole music that's like the number one music kind of music genre in Iran

right now I read that on February 11th we're gonna make some big announcement

and them wouldn't even talk to me no seriously did you hear is it the 11th of

the 14th the the anniversary of the Iranian revolution and apparently

ackman abdabad a jab say that there's gonna be an announcement that what is it

it's going to knock the win

out of the world.

What is it? Let me see what he said.

Something that next week is going to make some

fucking announcement. Maybe not next week.

Maybe it's the week after that. Trying to find it.

Apparently, like, U.S. troops are more on alert

and they're sending more launchers and shit

to the fucking Middle East in anticipation

of some big announcement.

They're going to announce it during the Super Bowl.

They're the Super Bowl.

Well, the explosion will be there. No, no, let's not say that.

Let's not say that. I can't find it now.

Let's see. Iran.

Iran, I'm looking for it and I can't find it.

February 11th, here we go.

I think this is it here.

Yeah, Iran to deliver, what is it?

What did he say?

Yeah, Iran, quote, Iran will deliver a telling blow to the global powers on February 11th, apparently.

So it's in nine days.

Iranian president says the nation will deliver a harsh blow to the global arrogance

on this year's anniversary of the Islamic Revolution.

The Islamic Revolution opened a window to liberty for the human race,

which is trapped in the dead ends of materialism.

Abdomen of dab-jabs, said during a cabinet meeting on Sunday.

If the Islamic resolution had not occurred,

liberalism and Marxism would have been crushed.

What? No, who cares?

Anyway, Iranians are expected to pour in the streets on February 11th,

and it's going to be some big blow to the global powers.

I don't know.

You think it'll be an announcement he has nuclear weapons?

I don't know. Who knows?

That'll be something.

Maybe a test.

They should do a test right then.

All right, Mickey Mouse is asking us to do the goddamn prank call.

Let's do the goddamn prank call that he sent in.

Pull up the email and find out.

Pulling it up now.

Okay, Mickey Mouse sending in a number for Stephanie.

She has really bad acne.

Disgusting, horrible face.

She smells, doesn't shave her armpits or vagina.

Trust him.

Dude, why you know she doesn't?

Hey, okay, sure.

I'll take your word for it.

You like hooking up with girls with bad acne and hairy vaginas.

Hornet's nest.

All right, Milkman, hey.

Milkman, you get that picture of the dead yet?

Hello.

Hi, how you doing?

Good.

Good, listen, I wanted to give you a haircut.

I wanted to give you some advice on what you can do with tomatoes.

You know those little seedless tomatoes?

You know the ones I'm talking about?

I don't know what to do.

I'm going to talk to her about her acne.

That's horrible.

Let's see.

I'm not a prank.

I don't got the pranking juice tonight, man.

I don't have it.

I'll be honest.

We'll call Space VS.

There's a Dr. Lego show tonight.

F***ing voicemail.

Reckless isn't around yet.

He was supposed to be here like, what, 45 minutes ago or some s***?

The f***?

I hear the music so loud.

Is it live for you, Kokanee?

Or the station, the stream?

This is barely hitting the levels up, dude.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

Is it kokanee? Milkman was talking over you.

Loud Mike, right? See? Loudmouth Milkman.

Burger Time trying to confuse us, I think.

Again, I don't trust any of you.

I don't trust you, Burger Time.

I don't know. You're all against me.

You're all fucking...

If I worked at a job where I wrapped presents,

right now you'll all be ripping out my present paper.

Jerks.

I'm sorry, Burger Time. I believe you.

Alright, we got another Vincent. Let's give another Vincent a call.

Ah, phone's ringing.

Hello, it's Valente.

Who's this?

What's your name?

It's Valente.

You want a mattress, kid?

No, no, no.

No?

It's real.

You're faggot real?

Yeah.

Oh, word?

No, it's not.

Uh-huh.

It's not real.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Kid, you have a crappy cell phone.

Can you go to a better area?

Walk outside.

Walk outside with the cell phone real quick.

It's cool.

Open the door.

Daddy, your mom told me it's cool.

Oh, it's a cactus guy.

Hey, cactus guy.

Don't go.

Fucking cactus guy.

I want to talk to that fuck.

God damn it.

He got us again.

I want to make his kid run out in the traffic.

How come cactus guy sounds white as hell, but he has a kid that sounds black?

I looked at A13 asking if I said no.

I didn't say that I never torrent, homeboy.

But I just said I don't really torrent for stuff like Zero Day.

Like, I don't go crazy over movies.

Even movies, like documentaries.

If I hear of a good documentary that comes up.

For some reason in Orlando, there was one movie theater that used to bring all the good documentaries that I hear about and read about that I'm interested in.

there was one movie theater here in town

and they stopped releasing them

they stopped picking them up there as much as they used to

they're still playing a lot of independent films

and they play old movies

like cult flicks and stuff like that

but they stopped bringing the nice

the nice documentaries

and the fucking place is so expensive

it's one of those places where you can have dinner right there while you're eating

like popcorn costs

it's like twice the price it costs at the regular movie theater

which is expensive as balls as it is

it's all organic food there

They're organic sandwiches, organic popcorn with organic butter.

Oh, God damn it.

But they have one place and they stop.

So the only source I got for some really good documentaries is to download them sometimes.

There's some website out there that uploads a lot of documentaries.

And I wanted to mention there was one that I watched recently called The Entrepreneur.

If you get a chance to get it on Netflix or download it or watch it online or whatever it is,

look for a documentary that came out last year called The Entrepreneur.

it's about the guy

this guy who designed one of those

really failure cars of the 80's

I'm trying to remember which one it was exactly

but he was trying to get into a deal

with the Dodge Stratus

yeah that's what it was

he was trying to get into a whole deal

with bringing Chinese cars to the American market

very low price

cutting down the price of the whole deal

but it didn't work out

because the deal fell through

and this company is called Cherry

C-H-E-R-Y

out of China

It's like one of the biggest car companies in China that make really, really cheap cars.

And this guy came up, came and said, hey, here's my idea.

You know, you come to America, and I'll get the dealers and all that.

We'll sell these Cherry cars.

And apparently, Cherry decided to go with, like, GMC, I think, or something, one of the big companies.

I don't even know whatever came about it.

But whatever.

If you get a chance, look for it, okay, guys?

Just look for it, all right?

We're a little away from the break still here.

Got the name for the car, the Dodge Stratus.

Eric asking how much longer

Eric I got about an hour left in me

Now we're in 10 minutes and I'm going to sign off here

We're going to be taking a break which will be about 5 or 6 minutes long

At the top of the hour

Eric call in

Reclude's wanting to call in

Eric's wanting to call in

I remember saying we're inviting

Of course Eric is more than welcome to call in

Reclude ain't going to call

Yeah he just did right now but I can't take it

I didn't get a chance to take it

Hang on let me see if that was him

I think it was but I was in the middle of talking and I didn't get to it in time

Got you.

We want to hear Eric.

Oh, we want to hear Reckless, too.

Maybe we can put Eric and Reckless together and they can, you know, make friends.

Call and eat.

I'm going to call this other Vincent Kelly here.

Vincent Kinsley, rather.

And Lancashire, England.

Let's give them a call here, folks.

Don't go anywhere.

All right.

Can't do that.

Oh, it's playing the break music already.

Stop it.

This is, well, I need to speak to Vincent, not you.

Basically.

This is Valente.

Who?

Valente?

Who are you?

He's not what?

Sorry.

Who are you?

This is Valente. I'm with the phone administration.

The phone administration?

Yes.

And what's that?

We're administrators of the phones.

Give me a moment, please.

Thank you.

I don't know what happened to Tuck tonight, right?

Well, Vincent.

Yeah?

Listen, your telephone is not calibrated,

and it's causing a problem with the phone network on the eastern seaboard.

I wanted to know if you would be kind enough to go outside and calibrate your phone line for us

so we can solve this problem before it becomes an issue in the morning.

Who is this?

This is Valente. I'm calling from the United States Phone Administration.

And who do you think you're calling?

This is Vincent at 9756.

Right, and where am I?

Oh, you're in England.

So what are you phoning for?

Well, your phone is miscalibrated. It's affecting the phone lines here.

Several of the phone lines over here are being affected by yours.

In what way?

You're pulling the same phone traffic that our phones over here are pulling.

We need you to recalibrate the telephone machine outside.

And who are you? What company are you?

I'm with the United States Phone Administration.

The United States Phone Administration?

Yes.

What, is that a government body?

Yes, it is, absolutely, sir.

And what's your name?

My name is Valente.

And what's your phone number?

It's 407-459-4534.

Hit the dial 01 at the beginning if you're calling from the UK.

Now, we have administration of all the phone network under the realm of NATO.

Are you familiar with NATO, sir?

Oh, yeah, very good, yeah.

Okay, so that means that we require you to recalibrate your phone immediately.

And what would recalibrating mean?

Well, you need to go outside and press the recalibration button.

You hold it down for 10 seconds, let it go, and you test the phone.

Go outside where?

To the phone machine box.

The phone machine box? What's the phone machine box?

It has this phone machine box on the front of it.

It says phone machine, it's a box outside.

Oh, yeah, very good, yeah.

Do you know where it is?

No, no, do you know where it is?

I can send a signal to it so it makes a noise.

And it also has a light, but most of the time the light's already out.

it doesn't work anymore

it's old

but I can send a signal

very good yeah

well do you want to go outside

and I'll send a signal now

put the phone down

and go outside

yeah you send a signal to it

yeah

well you got to go

tell me where you're going

to go outside now

and I'll send it

yeah yeah I'm stood outside now

well you're inside

come on

don't be a donkey

where are you

for real where are you

you're outside or inside

don't waste my

it costs money to send

a signal now

and if you're making me

send a

if you're making me

send a signal

and you're not really outside

we're going to charge you

for it

right

we're going to charge you

in United States dollars now

Now, it's not pounds we're talking about.

It's real money.

Right.

Now, listen, you go outside and recalibrate that phone line right now.

It's going to be hell to pay in the morning.

No, that's right, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm there now.

Well, can you put your wife on the phone again?

No, no, I haven't got a wife.

No, no.

She's your girlfriend or your wife?

No, no, I haven't got a wife or a girlfriend.

Well, who is that, your daughter?

No, that was me that answered the phone.

I have a very high-pitched voice when I'm disturbed in the middle of the night.

Oh, so that's your real voice?

Do you wear panties or something at night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

And a dress?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah?

That's nice.

You like how it feels on you?

Yeah, very good, yeah.

Woman's clothing and panties?

Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah, it's lovely, right?

It feels good?

Yeah.

You don't have to get naked for men?

Yeah.

You realize this is going nowhere, don't you?

Yeah, I kind of get to that point, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Man, what do you think?

You give it, you know, A, do you have, you know, like, let's say 1 to 10.

How would you rate it?

Yeah.

Well, give me some criticism, old man.

Come on.

Between 1 to 10, 1 being the highest, 10 being the lowest.

Right.

What would you rate this call?

Four?

Yeah, it's somewhere in the region of Nal, I would have thought.

No?

You didn't like it much?

Yeah.

Do you like wind-ups, prank calls, stuff of the sort?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Do you have any suggestions for next time?

Um, you couldn't all bother.

No, I'll call again, probably.

Right, okay.

Mm-hmm.

What time is it over there?

Uh, I don't know.

No?

Late?

Were you sleeping?

No, no, no.

We're playing cards.

Oh, cards at this time?

Yeah.

What do you play, gin rummy?

No, no, just solo.

Solo?

Solitaire?

Yeah.

Hey, you want me to send you one of those computer decks?

Yeah, you can do that.

Yeah, you got a computer?

I'll send you some CDs with games on them and stuff.

I downloaded them from Torrance.

Send it down your signal when you recalibrate the phone.

Oh, okay, I'll do that.

Give me like three minutes, I'll send that signal, all right?

Okay, then.

All right, you old horse's cock.

See you later, buddy.

Okay, then.

All right, then.

This is the old man's honest when a prank call isn't going anywhere.

Man, that was nice of him.

Reckless confirming he will be giving us a call when I tell him to call.

Eric Verducci, still no word.

alright talking about that break

motherfucker I don't want to take it right now

this is Madhouse Radio for Tuesday February

the 2nd but it's a slow night but a night

nonetheless when we come back we got more numbers

to get to Lonesome Loser has sent in numbers

for A. Queenie, Colin E. Turk

and A.J. Jones all in England

we got a few requests to prank

some here also we got a number for

Jolene in Seattle that was sent in by

Justin we'll get to that

York sent us a number for Motel 6

we got a guy named Patel imagine that

we're running the phones over there tonight we'll give him

him a call problem being you're built to give us the full number it's missing one digit well york

if you're still listening to the show if you're still listening resend your request to prank over

there with the full number buddy uh the uh website is madhouse live.com cactiradio.org

or no cactiradio.com phone losers.org that is rbcp downloading it right now what a monkey that

guy already it just how did it just come out if that's what you're talking about and then we

second about the last episode or the fucking something else whatever all right milkman

kokanee stay around i don't know how milkman i'm mute that whole time milkman you monkey

he's muted himself fuck you then right back in a moment thank you yeah we'll be back right after

this yeah hi is this the indian place that you make the orders at they come pick it up yeah i

like to make an order please this is not the indian place this is a kebab palace oh you guys do kebabs

there yeah but it's indian people sun and rainbow is it indian people no that's not indian this is

afghan this is a mediterranean restaurant oh that's disgusting stuff i don't think you are

disgusting stupid don't call here no more stupid you fucking asshole bastard you fucking asshole

you can disgusting what kind of person are you calling here you don't want to order don't order

i don't want to talking bullshit it's stupid i don't want to

good wow jeez those people just everyone is it a full moon or something tonight

who's god yes hi i'd like to make an order please we are close for bullshit you disgusting

monkey immigrant bastard fucking piece of shit you're fucking how many fathers do you have i

bet you have more i got your number i'm gonna report you you know that you're calling to the

business that you're borrowing them i don't care what the problem is i'm gonna i'm gonna what is

What is your name?

What is your business calling here?

You're saying disgusting.

You're a fucking piece of shit, asshole.

Why are you calling here?

How many fathers do you have?

I asked you several times.

Go ask your mother.

I'm your dad, you piece of shit mother fucker.

Your man come face to face to me.

Then I'll show you how many.

Then I'll tell you who I am.

Piece of shit mother fucker.

I didn't plan on this, Joan.

Joan, I didn't plan this, and I don't expect you to bring this on me either.

You understand?

Hello?

I didn't plan this.

I didn't plan for this to happen, and I don't expect you to bring this on me either like you are, woman.

What's the matter with you?

You've got people over there who are making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary,

and I'm calling to tell you you do not make these statements.

Do you understand?

I beg your pardon?

You made blasphemous...

Are you mental?

No.

I'm American.

You made blasphemous...

No, I can hear you're American, but are you mental, ringing here?

I shall call the police.

You will do no such thing.

I will.

I command you not to, under the name of the United States of America laws.

Oh.

Look, I'll speak to my police first before you go around calling,

making half-truths about me and the Virgin Mary, or Blessed Mother.

You understand?

Joni, I think you're full of piss and vinegar.

You're right from the beginning.

Right from the get-go, she's like,

Listen, what's with the woman there talking rude to the men on the phone

and was smart with her mouth?

What do you want? What can we do to help you?

I've got a complaint that you people are making blasphemous comments about the Virgin Mary.

I really don't understand what this Tarzan goes about.

Well, someone over there is making blasphemous statements.

What's he talking about?

Blasphemy, sir.

Who are you calling?

Joan Wilson. I have her on record here making blasphemous statements about the Virgin Mary and the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church?

Yes. You're a Catholic, aren't you not?

No, sir. I am not a Catholic.

Even worse, then. You're making statements about a church that you don't even belong to.

Who are you to make judgment against the Catholics?

I don't make judgment against anybody.

Well, your wife is making blasphemous statements about Catholics.

Oh, don't be silly. Of course she isn't.

No, I have recordings and records and IP addresses here and everything.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I'm calling to inform you.

You're not talking sense.

Well, I'm calling you from the United States of America,

And I'm here to inform you that I'm placing a lawsuit on you,

and I need you to tell me how do you plead, guilty or not guilty, of making blasphemous statements.

Guilty.

Guilty? All right, I've got you down for guilty then.

All right, that's an admission of guilt.

Look, I'm not listening to you.

No, I didn't. You said guilty.

I said not guilty.

Yeah, but you...

I don't propose to talk anymore. You're not listening to me.

I am.

You're talking to me from America.

Uh-huh.

Look, this is not... If you ring again, I'm serious.

If you ring again, I shall have you traced.

and talking about blaspheming,

I should be having you in front of me.

Oh, yeah.

And you'll be in trouble.

Listen.

So would you kindly stop ringing me, and that's it.

If you know what's good for you...

Do it.

Do you know what time it is here?

No, I could...

It's five o'clock this morning.

I could care less what time it is over there.

Young man, look.

Put the phone down on me.

Please don't phone again.

There's nothing we can do to help you.

There's no point in you talking about blasphemy.

There's no point in you talking about religion.

Just forget about it.

Don't you dare call the police.

If you know...

We took the wrong track.

If you know what's good for you, we'll not...

If you know what's good for you, we won't call the police.

Yeah.

Number is 0140775910759453.

Check your phone.

Oh, damn it.

You're listening to the Cacti Radio Network.

This is Alan.

What?

This is Alan.

I'm near my home.

Where you at?

I'm in the bar.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, this is the taxi service.

Who the fuck is this?

This is the taxi service.

I'm about to fucking fuck with somebody's ass.

who the fuck is this?

Is this the taxi service, sir?

Yeah, yeah, shit's funny, huh?

Is this the taxi service?

Yeah, it's the taxi service

when I put your head

on my motherfucking wall,

motherfucker.

Look, sir,

I got a man over here.

He's on diarrhea

all over himself.

We need to get him

out of the bar.

We're here to bury him.

Yeah, I'll give you

a fucking man

who's got a brain

about sticking his ass.

Who the fuck are you?

Leave him here, sir.

Now, I don't understand you.

I don't appreciate

your violence with me.

Now, I'm the man

you had at the bar,

and I need to get

this man out of here.

He's drunk and he can't drive.

job turkey-ass motherfucker, what are you talking about?

Job turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy. You don't talk to me like that now.

Who are you? You damn racing people over here, random car taxi.

Tell me you're going to come pick the man up or not?

You job turkey motherfucker.

Who are you speaking to, son? What's your name?

Let's do your manager.

I don't know, but you better talk white in about three seconds or your ass is going to be fucking knowing something about fucking off-button.

Now, I need to know if you can come pick up your man or not.

What the hell are you?

We're over here at Dicky Doo's in Deberry.

Dicky Doo's?

Yeah.

Man, you just show me a place, dude. I'm about to come whoop some motherfucker's ass because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge, you guy, to pick somebody up over here at the taxicab?

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxicab.

I love you, but this is hackin' crap.

I'm come fuckin' pickin' somebody up, I'm whoopin' his goddamn ass,

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, and your goddamn mother.

What?

I murdered your mother.

You motherfuckin' nigger, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm a motherfuckin' nigger, you son of a bitch.

You nigger, motherfucker.

You're probably a nigger, man.

Wait, wait, wait, you don't...

Oh, sir, let me speak to Michael Fraser.

I'm a motherfuckin' sister to the guy with the goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't wanna hear from no goddamn niggas callin' me in the fuckin' middle of the night.

Listen. Listen, boy. Listen, boy. Listen, boy. Listen, boy.

Listen, boy. I'll show you a boy with a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker. Listen to that. Three letters.

Listen here, cracker. Listen here, cracker.

You hear that, cracker? I'll show you some fuckin' three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here. I'll see you here. I'll see you here in your taxi. I'm gonna urinate in your gas tank.

I'll give a shit about that thing. I'll see you in the fuckin' mud in your ass.

Shut up, motherfucker.

I don't know who the fuck you are.

Who you? Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man. This is a motherfucking white man.

Shut up.

I'm gonna have the wrong number then.

Yeah, you got the fucking wrong number, so fucking don't call this number again.

Listen here, listen here, hang on a minute.

Listen here, you tell me where the fuck you are and I'm gonna come in and get you right.

Uh, hello, this is, uh, I'm David, the manager here at the bar. What seems to be a problem?

I don't care what the fuck is the problem, but someone's calling up my goddamn phone. I ain't a fucking taxi key.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now listen to me. I heard, I've had you calling my disestablishment plenty of times now and I'm gonna have a trace.

Why are you calling here being violent?

We've had some guy calling here making racist comments before.

Is this him?

I ain't calling making racist comments.

I'm calling racist comments now because I want to hear some fucking nigger call me.

Leroy over here is saying you're calling him a nigger and stuff.

I ain't calling him a nigger because he's calling my goddamn phone.

Why do you have to call people nigger for?

What's your problem?

We're calling the taxi service and trying to get in touch with Mr. Frazier.

1-888-278-8509.

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not ever, ever make you who you are.

That took longer than I said it would.

But I'm here now.

Thanks, everyone, for tuning in to Madhouse Radio for February the 2nd.

We've got about 45 minutes left of show.

After that, RBCP taking over at Cacti Radio with a phone show.

Of course, Madhouse Rotation always at madhouselive.com.

I've got shit working over here.

All right, everybody, as I said, we're joining in for the last hour of Madhouse Radio.

Coconut, can you give stage information to Tuck over there in the chat room?

Do you have the password, or is that Milkman only that has it?

He's trying to get in.

Milkman's away now, so I don't know the password.

I don't know it.

Everybody, welcome to Madhouse Radio.

Let's go ahead and do some more prank calls.

Eric, if you wanted to call Eric Verducci,

the talent of prank caller, legendary prank caller from the Internet,

he's checking in tonight.

Listen to chatroom on madhouseslive.com.

Be sure to call and let me know if you're going to first.

Clear line for you.

A pure evil has sent in a prank call request.

Indeed, I see that, sir or ma'am.

Go ahead and check that out.

Acid Pest sent in a request also.

York re-sending in the request.

There you go, Big York.

Good work, my homie.

All right, we're going to call Patel at the Motel 6.

We finally got around to sending the number correctly this time.

Let's go into the regular room.

Hey, Big Tug, how you doing, man?

TuckerMike.com in the house, everybody.

Hello, I want to speak to Patel.

This is Valente.

Yeah, Patel, you want to talk to Lalu Patel?

I just want to talk to Patel.

Pardon?

I just want to talk to Patel.

Patel is not available today,

No, listen, jerky.

Jerky, I can't believe I just said that.

Listen, jerk, where are you from exactly?

Are you from Bengali or where?

Oh, no, because I need to get information here

because I found some stuff outside of your hotel

and I want to complain to Patel right now.

Okay, let me call my manager.

What is your cell phone number?

407-459-4534.

There's condoms outside of the hotel.

Condoms on the ground on the floor.

Oh, what's your room number?

You stayed in the hotel?

Number 12.

Which 12?

12.

No, can you tell me your room number?

12.

We don't have only 12 room numbers.

No, 112.

Huh?

112.

112?

Hmm.

Okay.

Listen, why are there condoms outside in the parking?

Outside in the parking?

There's condoms here.

Do people have sex in the parking?

Uh-huh.

They do.

Right now, I don't have any guy available, so I will tell tomorrow morning.

Well, is there evidence that people are, like, fucking in the parking lot, having sex

Sex in the fucking parking lot.

Huh?

Prostitutes doing cocaine in the parking lot?

Is that what this is?

This kind of place?

Listen, why are you fucking skirting the issue?

Because it's true, isn't it?

There's people doing prostitution in the parking lot.

Yeah, what is your name, please?

Valente.

Huh?

Valente?

Yes.

Okay.

Listen.

Listen, sir.

Is Bhenchod there?

Huh?

Bhenchod.

I don't know.

You are Bhenchod.

Stupid ass.

We've all had sex in that fucking, uh, what's it called?

Parking lot before?

I'm sure we all have.

Who hasn't?

Maybe Reclude hasn't.

Reclude, give a call if you want, man.

Reclude.

Someone's calling, man.

Reclude.

What's up, man?

What's up, bro?

How you doing?

Yeah, who said I had a fucking bang in a parking lot?

You never have.

Come on, man.

No, I have.

That's what I'm saying.

You're trying to say I have it.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, not outside.

Nothing like on the fucking lot itself.

Like in the car.

You know, you don't have sex on the tarmac or whatever.

No one does that.

No, no.

Put it in the car.

Backseat.

Yeah, man.

That's nice.

You get your girl right on top of you.

hell yeah

dude

what's going on

you're doing

you're all up in the

music production

and shit now huh

yeah like

I go back and forth

now it's like

I'm actually gonna be

in fucking Florida

yeah

down there

15th

yeah you were telling me

about that

I'll be there

Miami

but I'm gonna

I'm gonna be in

I'm gonna be in like

Fort Myers

I'm going to Miami

for a couple days

and I'm coming back

kick ass

so I'll be down

all around there

so I'll have to

come check you out

yeah you have to come

maybe so you're gonna

be here on the Tuesday

that's when we do

the show now

yeah I might

actually might be

able to there you go i'm thinking cool man yeah it'd be nice i'll be i'll be flying in but i'm

gonna like a lot of my family's down there i might get to come off i'll see all right yeah let me

know dude sit on the show we'll do some pranks together be cool zolar has done it you'll do it

hell it's fucking you know the fucking kings of prank yeah so hey before we get into the pranks

you got any websites you want to plug real quick i know you've had some stuff online or anything

you're working on you want people to go to vote for anything like that shit right now not really

uh just trying to i'm about to i'm actually you know you know who waka flock is you ever heard of

them no fucking rappers like gucci man shit well i'm trying to get i'm like in the works to get

like tracks for their people like that i had some people stop through the other night that were like

supposedly signed to like convict okay which is like acon so i'm like getting so hopefully

basically right now it's just i got a bunch of connections i'm just making a bunch of music

for people and we'll see if anything sticks you're still working out of bahia though like

cleveland shit or wherever that area like columbus yeah still working out of there but it's nice

because people like the other night like people come on tour and then they'll call real quick

like just when they're in town they want to do like a verse or something like that right right

i got you call up local studios since i got like a good studio like wearing a phone book and shit

though people call me up fucking of all people you know who called the other day and i fucking

blew them off i didn't know it was them jay the kid you ever heard of him all right you know who

that is no jadakiss jadakiss oh jadakiss i know yeah no tuck was talking i know jadakiss yeah so

really him yeah because i don't know he had some people in town or whatever i blew him off once

okay i blew off the guy that was trying to bring him because i it was it's the big drama situation

i didn't really believe him but then of course it was him and he was supposed to come in so i

blew him off once and then the other day i'm sitting there i'm like up to my ass and work

and i'm fucking i'm all like i got his number but no we can't prank him i feel really bad

right right

fuck

so he called up

and I'm just like

I'm busy

and I'm like

god damn it

I was kind of like

he was like

I was like

look dude

I can't hear you

I was kind of mean to him

I mean

I felt bad though

yeah well fuck it

like I called my dude

my dude actually knows him

or knows all of them

as people

or some shit

so I asked him

and it turns out

yeah he was in fucking town

and I was

fuck

so whatever

he's like

fuck you

where's my fucking dog

I can't do that anymore dude

I'm gonna have to take

everybody seriously

Oh, shit.

Because it is, I mean, it's like, it doesn't seem like it in Ohio, but, like, I mean, everybody comes through here on tour, just about.

Right.

More, not the, this city is not, is not visited as regularly as, like, Cleveland, Cincinnati, but we do get a lot of people coming through here.

Yeah, I was going to say, Columbus, especially the music scene, has been pretty big, not as of late, but, I mean, it's not, it's not small potatoes, right, lately.

It's moving up.

I mean, it's always been big.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's alright

I mean, Columbus is alright

I'm just trying to honestly get the fuck out of here

Yeah, I hear you

I mean, I'm really just like

I've got some really good connections in the industry right now

And I'm just trying to basically send people music like non-stop

I mean, I had these guys

The guys that came through last night

I was playing them some shit

And they were just

They fucking wanted me to take off

I made songs already with some people

It's actually on

You can hear a couple of my beats on

On myspace.com slash reclute

but I think I got

samples of my shit

up there

alright everyone

check those out

just send your

whole list of

send your whole list

of numbers

and we can

fucking call

yeah let's do it

do it

alright

what was I going

to say

to finish up

for example

we got like

a Skynet 360

in Homestead

that's kind of

closer to where

you're going to be

well you said

you might go to Miami

something about

I don't know if you

see that one there

Skynet 360

you see that

what's that about

I don't know

Skynet 360

it's probably like

a club or something

like that

Skynet 360

I would say

Latina woman

Let me see, we've got numbers in the UK

You always have fun calling and messing with old people in the UK

We've got a bunch of those there

We've got three or four of them

I've been looking at some Monty Python

Oh yeah, yeah, hell yeah

Monty Python's classic, man

They had one where like Hitler was

Hitler was standing in a bed and breakfast

Oh yeah, with Patton

Yeah, I remember, he's like

No, not with Patton

He changed his name, Hiltler

Hiltter or something like that

Hiltter, Hiltter, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and, like, he's, like, doing the big speech outside.

He's like, do, do, do, do, like that.

And the one guy's like, he had nice legs or something.

Like, that's all he knew.

Yeah, I just saw that.

That was awesome.

He's got nice legs.

All right, I'm going to call...

We're going to call Ireland.

This is the Crescent Townhouse.

All right, man?

The what?

The Crescent Townhouse.

They're in Ireland.

Ireland, okay.

Ireland, Crescent Townhouse.

Nobody go anywhere.

Record's on the air.

We're going to do some prank calls here.

Thank you, sir.

What's that, Ireland?

Yeah, townhouse in Ireland.

Belfast.

from the airport i i would like directions to your place there airport no the international

airport drive i need directions from the airport no i want to make sure you've got a room set

aside for me yes john vicar hello what hello okay um hold on one second okay this man told

me that i'm uh i'm headed the wrong way that's at the international airport bus is taken there

Yeah, um, I'm going the wrong way. I just want to make sure if I got a room.

Wonderful, wonderful. And how much will this be past the, uh, I put down a deposit.

Wait, I mean, okay.

How much was the deposit? Because they put a 50 pound charge on my card.

50 pound? And is it a...

Just a suite.

I got this off of Orbitz on the internet, and they were telling me pretty much 50 pounds.

We can use it for a room, for a couple of days.

I'm coming from there.

I mean, I don't know what will happen if I don't have a room.

Because I've got a room.

I've got no place to go.

I'm not exactly a young chicken no more.

What am I doing?

No, that's okay.

What?

I might be wrong about the price.

I'm coming from the airport.

I'm coming from the international airport.

Yes.

I booked a room on Orbitz.

Now, I was looking at the LonelyPlanet.com guide, and they said it was a good room.

I went on Orbitz and booked it.

And now I'm wondering who charged my card and if I'm out some money and where am I going to stay?

Well, no, if you booked it through us and you were talking to them, that's not fair.

Okay, pretty much.

Right, right.

Okay, that's cool.

Well, let's sort it out right now because I'm going the wrong way in a bus.

And everybody's kind of rude in this country, I must say.

Everybody's been quite an asshole to me.

I'm going to get the right way in a bus.

So you don't know if my credit card is charged or not.

I'm going the wrong way in a bus.

I just come from the airport and he tried to steal my luggage, but got run around the country already

I'm I'm about half shitted because I went and had a couple points at the place

So we need to figure out something real quick. You guys deal with the internet

Okay, then somebody is pulling a somebody's pulling a joke. Somebody's pulling jokes

Somebody took my credit card. Maybe some Nigerians got my credit card numbers running around with it

Um, can you move out number here? Excuse me? We'll check phone. Hold on one second. Hold on one second

and I'm going the wrong way in this bus.

Let me write it down for you.

Hold on one second.

Listen, what's your street address over there?

Okay, let's see here.

Alec Avenue?

Is this a Muslim sort of place?

Okay, right.

Okay, will you get on the line with this man

and maybe tell him better directions?

I'm out of my ass here.

I can't find my way around the city.

Hold on one second.

Let me get it.

Carla?

Hello?

Cut it.

Oh, mate, mate, get on the phone, you...

You know who?

Yes, what do you want?

...to main menu.

You have 50 new messages.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

You want to call them back or you want to call somewhere else?

Press 2.

For a Duke 401, press 3.

I had, like, no fucking premise.

Yeah, I know.

That was wacky.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

To face the call, please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

The first call is 2 cents per minute.

All right, Duke's at Queen's Boutique Hotel in Northern Ireland.

Yes, hi, sir. I was calling about reservations. How to make them, how not to make them. What's the protocol?

Um...

What?!

I was looking, but I want some more information about the safety of your parking lot, or what you call a car park.

Car parking! Is it safe? Are there condoms there on the floor?

I was just at a hotel and they have condoms all over the floor, and I left in disgust.

Honey, look, I'm sorry. I have a problem with interrupting.

Yeah? Is there an elevator there? Do you have televisions in the... I mean, you're so archaic.

You don't have car parks.

Maybe you don't even have the stupid television.

You have a fridge?

Fridge there?

You have refrigerators in the rooms?

I mean, what's the deal?

You're so backwards in this country.

Returning to main menu.

Rick, what are you there?

You have 50 new messages.

To listen to your messages, press 1.

To place a call, press 2.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

Call.

Fixes in this number.

Cost of this call is 2 cents per minute.

Number the fucking devil.

Are the cams back up in Seneca or what?

I thought I'd turn them on.

I turned them on.

Let me turn them on.

I guess, I don't know how to work this shit, sir.

Sorry, what was that?

I don't know how to work this shit.

I'm not going to take a verbal language lesson.

Well, listen, I'm sorry.

I've just been drinking.

I'm at the airport.

I've been drinking.

Well, is that fair to me?

Come on.

I need help, sir.

Come on.

I need to make reservations there, okay?

I had a horrible episode with a man who was using condoms in a...

What are you doing there?

Did I interrupt your sleep?

What's the problem?

Please take my information, sir.

sir. You don't understand how scared I am. What's that? Please take my information. You

don't understand how scared I am right now. Scared you are? Yeah, currently I've never

been outside of the United States of America, and look what happens to me. Condoms on the

floor. All over the floor. They're all over the floor, sir. That's not true. But your

place isn't like that, right? Do you serve food there? And you all wash your hands a

lot, right? Like, how many times? I mean, you wash your hands after you use the bathroom.

You wash your hands, you know, when you touch the chicken. Do you have any raw chicken in

the is there any raw chicken in the kitchen will there be chicken then because i'm just more

interested in knowing about the chicken returning to main menu you have 50 new the goddamn recluse

thank you saigon asshole there you go always has to be an asshole like saigon to ruin everything

boy i missed you saigon saigon and contributing in the syndicate chat room he just played a

fucking train wreck or something he reminds me the fucking uh the fucking skype guy what's the

the fucking guy that pranked there's the dude on skype that just fucks with everybody quite a bit

does shit like that all right we're gonna call eric raducci fucking asshole saigon cunt so much

you're fucked fucking saigon's a traitor man he's got time to listen to zolar he's got time to

fucking listen to kdk and his bullshit you think ever comes into fucking the madhouse show and

fucking tunes in us no fucking asshole that's all i've done for him and then look what he does

look what he does you see what he did saigon wants to call the dead the dead saigon you

You fucking missed it, you fucking asshole.

You're such an asshole, you missed that the dead has a fucking gun license,

and I found, I paid someone for a copy of it, and I posted it.

Where's that link? Talk...

What's with that fat faggot talking back there?

I think I... Yeah, you sent it to me yesterday.

Sorry, I didn't recognize...

I posted it to everybody here.

Hang on, let me play this while I get Eric Verducci in a line, we'll do some pranks.

Hello, please state your name after the tone, and Google Voice will try to reach the subscriber.

Fat hairy pussy.

What

happened to you, Reclude, you shit?

You in the chat room now?

Reclude just ran.

I don't know what happened.

Hey, Verducci, how you doing, sir?

I'm trying to find my other fucking...

Oh, fuck.

...lost it somewhere along the way.

You got an animal?

Probably a fucking cat fucking took it, man.

Man, fucking cat took my fucking prank calling hand and hit it on me.

Hey, look, hey, you got to keep, look, when you're not in the room, you have to keep clapping the hands.

You say, keep clapping the hands whenever you're not in the room and there's a fucking prostitute there.

Hey, man, you want to do some prank calls?

I'm pressed on time when I do some fucking pranks, and I got a lot of numbers.

You ready?

I'm going to rapid fire shit.

We're calling the Sweetwater Truck Stop.

They have a Popeye's there.

Sweetwater Truck Stop with a Popeye's inside the fucking truck stop.

A Popeye's in a truck stop in Texas.

That's right.

Eric Voducci, everybody.

Sweetwater Travel Center, if you know your party's extension, please dial it at this time.

One moment, please.

You have entered an invalid extension.

Using the dial pad.

One moment, please.

Chitham is 228 Lonesome.

Thank you for calling Sweetwater Travel Center. How can I help you?

Returning to main menu.

Ah, she killed it.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

If you look in the chat room, I am due the...

Please enter 011...

Shut the fuck up.

I am due the info for the place if you need an address or some shit.

This is not a valid number.

Returning to Mainland, you have no new message.

To place a call, press 2.

For please enter the phone number you...

This is a free call.

One moment, please.

Thank you for calling Sweetwater Travel Center.

How can we help you?

I'm about three miles from the...

What the fuck is that lady's deal?

To place a call, press 2.

She doesn't give you any time to fucking take a second.

We're going to call someone else.

She doesn't do any shit.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

For international numbers, please enter 011 plus the country code and number.

All right, so this number I'm sending you, tell them that you're, this lady's looking for Chris.

Apparently, that's all I know.

She's angry and she's looking for Chris.

This is not a valid number.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

For Goog4, please enter the phone number.

Okay, she's Patricia Kidd.

She's an angry old woman, and when Lonesome Loser called to confirm her number,

she said, is this Chris?

And she was really pissed off about the call.

So just say that you're affiliated with Chris.

That's all we know.

That's all we've got to go for.

This is a free call.

Chris.

Looking for Chris.

My grandson?

What did you need to speak with Chris about?

Speak up.

Talking about Chris.

Yes, I am.

He doesn't live there.

Listen to me, ma'am.

I'm trying to tell you something.

I'm calling on his behalf because there was some reason why you were inquiring him about.

Didn't to me at all.

Doesn't to me either.

But no, no, listen.

Let me tell you something.

My problem is, is I hate being a lawyer, right?

And kids, you know what it's like to go home and see your kid up because your wife got drunk and smashed a bike?

No, listen, I'm telling you my life story.

Don't cut me off, okay?

You just need somebody to talk to, but it's obviously not you.

But here's the deal.

Chris issues lately, and for some reason, you were inquiring about him recently, so I have to call you on his behalf, find out what the issues were or what problems you were having.

Some stupid court order that was put in place.

What can you tell me about Chris?

What's the issue?

Returning to main menu.

We have no new messages.

To place a call, press please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

What the fuck happened to her?

For internet...

God, Anthony freaked her out.

We'll call her back.

This is a free call.

I've got disconnected.

I don't know why, sir.

Hang up or was it my phone?

I have a quick...

I think it was mine.

What phone do you have?

Online.

Service provider.

We're talking about Chris, but who's your service provider?

Who do you pay your monthly phone bill to?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't pay your phone bills?

Granddaughter does.

Do you have bad...

No, do you have bad credit?

If you do, I can help you with that.

Do you have bad credit?

No, I don't.

Well, then why is it you get credit?

I just want to know why you want to know all of this.

You told me.

Why do you want to know all this stuff for?

I'm not trying to know anything.

What I knew is if there was something that I was supposed to relay to Chris through court order.

See, what was happening, I was down playing a fucking old Nintendo game that cost 25 cents and it ate my quarter.

And fucking Ross Longbeats stopped selling chicken wings by like four packs or something because of some obsessive disorder guy.

I freaked out one night with a gun.

It was in the papers.

Did you read that story?

My grandson lives in...

Did you read that story?

No, I didn't.

My grandson doesn't live here anymore.

Cincinnati?

Oh, I love Cincinnati.

They have that big sign.

Don't cut me off when I was talking.

What were you saying now?

I'm sorry.

My Chris lives in Pennsylvania.

I just wanted to talk to you about Chris.

I know.

That's what I was talking to you about.

Okay, go right ahead.

You're the one that brought up Cincinnati.

I said Pennsylvania.

I didn't say Cincinnati.

You said Cincinnati.

I thought Cincinnati, but I didn't hear that correctly.

No, no, that was the last kid with a bottle, and she hit me with a bottle.

I had to get stitches.

Can you believe that?

If we're back in, like, the 50s and 60s, that kind of thing wouldn't happen.

You couldn't put up with spousal beliefs.

Have you ever been abused?

Ever married?

No.

We had one.

What can I do, do you think, to fix my relationship with her?

What would you suggest I do?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about this.

I have no right to even say because nothing like this has ever happened to me,

so how would I know if it did?

Well, no, I didn't ask if it happened to you.

I don't think you need to.

I mean, you just sound like you...

Well, basically, you just sound old.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

I mean that in a good way.

Like, you've been around.

You know what's going on.

Do you think I should just leave her?

I don't know.

I guess that's besides the point.

What was it that you needed to speak to Chris about?

A message that needed to be passed on?

No, I did not call or anything to speak to Chris.

My Chris lives in the...

You did, though.

I know he lives in Pennsylvania.

I'm not too overly excited.

I understand what you're trying to get to, the points you're trying to get to.

I'm sorry.

I explained to you earlier that I had been drinking because I had a rough night last night.

Try to talk slower.

Is this good?

Are we doing okay now?

Yeah, go ahead.

What was it that you needed to speak to Chris?

Why do you want to know?

Chris is my grandson.

What do you, what do you, what do you...

I understand he's your grandson.

Well, why do you, why did I have to tell you what I was...

It has nothing to do with where I was at Christmas.

The whole thing is, go to the court order that was put in place to relay all messages with him until something happens at the trial.

Well, honey, you're talking to the wrong person.

Am I making sense to you?

No, you're just, you, no.

No, I'm not talking to the wrong person. I'm talking to the right person.

The thing is, is you don't understand the current situation that Chris is in, evidently.

That's why I'm having to call you.

Well, then you hang up and I'll call Chris.

You hang up and I'll call Chris.

myself and i'll find out what chris what's going to happen is you're going to get chris put in

jail because he's not allowed to have any communications with anybody in this how much

money did you bring in in taxes last year the fuck oh she's so gullible though man she just

walks right into it that fucking lady and you kind of wrapped up the whole fucking show and

one whole explanation of fucking returning to main homage you have no new messages let me see

we can call now.

I got to play SkyNet 360.

We got enough time

for maybe one short one.

And I could jump in

in this either.

You got to be...

SkyNet 360.

You can start it out

and I can jump in,

whichever.

All right, that works.

You go ahead and start.

All right, yeah, cool.

All right, man.

You should tell people,

you know, your voice

sounds a lot like

Jesse Ventura sometimes.

Say that.

You should say

you're Jesse Ventura,

or his son.

You sound like

a young Jesse Ventura.

SkyNet 360.

You're a young Jesse Ventura.

You're a young Jesse Ventura

back in the Vietnam days.

That guy fucking was a fucking Navy SEAL.

Yeah, I can't get on the internet at all, man.

I keep hitting the blue E and nothing comes up.

And I ran a diagnostic and it said to call my internet service provider on it.

You know, my computer ran a diagnostic on it and everything.

Let me get information and I'll give you a call back.

Alright, so look, man, I've got an important paper due in 22 minutes.

And if I don't get it out, that's going to be my ass on a platter, you understand.

I command you to make this work.

I got a LinkSki router, and I even restarted a LinkSki router, and it's brand new.

I put it in.

I went to the store and bought a new one.

Put it in.

Well, I'm not a service tech, but I'm just a receptionist.

What I can do is take a reservation.

What department?

I'm going to call you back.

I'm going to hit service tech.

I'm going to dial zero.

Just transfer me.

What option is it?

Hello, sir?

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

Oh, you call back as my lawyer now.

For 21411, press 3.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the parent.

This is not a valid number.

Remember, returning to main menu, you have no new message.

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your entry.

To place a call, press 2.

For please enter the phone number you would like.

Hear that, Eric? Call in as my lawyer.

Give me a hand here.

You're a leading local provider.

Local shit provider.

My name is Christian. How can I assist you?

Yeah, my son just called in regards to our internet connection.

He's having problems with getting his paper printed out or something for school.

Okay, I can take your information and have a service tech call you back.

Well, no, I'm curious as to why you hung up on him.

I thought that's why we paid for, like, the extended service.

Why do you guys just hang up on him?

I didn't hang up, sir.

I mean, he may not be that bright, but he drinks.

Listen, I'm telling you, he's not that bright because he drinks a lot,

because that's what they do in school, and I understand.

That's fine.

Well, why did you hang up on him?

I did not hang up on him, sir.

Phone, did it just magically disconnect it?

I don't know, sir.

Goodbye, syndicate.

This is the end of our broadcast time.

We just moved here.

He brought me over here.

We got on your internet service.

We thought, you know, this was the best around, but evidently it's not.

I don't know why you gotta hang up on my kid.

I'd like to speak to... who can I speak to?

Hold on a minute, I'll pass you through this in one minute.

Two left.

Don't worry, thank you.

Put down the goddamn phone transfer.

Alright, we gotta stick in with this here.

I'm liking it.

How are you doing with the social engineering there, Eric Verducci?

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

For international numbers, please enter...

This is a free call.

I wonder what they got, DSLs and shit?

SkyNet 360, you're leading local.

Welcome up.

SkyNet 360, Chris, how may I help you?

I just called you in regards to my son.

You were transferring me to a supervisor, and I got hung up on.

Okay, that was the other operator.

What kind of supervisor do you have there?

Okay, sir, that was the other operator.

It was the other operator, Christian.

Are you guys all using the same name?

No, my name is Christian.

Well, no, I wasn't trying to cut you off.

You don't need to be hateful with me.

Okay, sir.

Well, what happened to me being transferred to a supervisor?

Okay, the connection may have set.

If you'd like, I can go ahead and...

What kind of system are you using there?

Okay, the thing just fell.

Hold on one second, sir.

Good evening, my name is Janet.

I am the supervisor.

How can I assist you?

Janet or Janice?

Janet, J-A-N-E-T.

My name is Janet, sir.

Okay, what is going on there, really?

I know, Janet, quit cutting me off.

What is going on there?

What do you mean, what is going on?

My son calls, he gets hung up on.

Let me, if you let me understand the situation.

Customer trying to get my problem remedied,

but yet people just keep hanging up on me.

Are you having a bad day over there?

Is everybody having a bad day?

I don't know who hung up on you.

There are different operators here.

I'm sure it was probably a connection failure, which can happen.

It's a human error that can happen in computers.

I'll be happy to take your information down.

No, no, no.

What is that?

It can happen in computers?

Yeah.

No, that just means the people that you're hiring are minimum wage and they're stupid.

Okay, however, I'm not here to listen, sir.

I do apologize, but all I can do is take a message.

I can understand you want to apologize or take a message or what have you.

Why would you take a message if I'm looking to be helped

and they transfer me to the supervisor that is supposed to help me?

Right, but you're speaking with a...

Sir, all you do is keep talking and you don't want to listen.

You're speaking with a...

Okay, you had your say, so, sir, if you don't let me speak,

This call is going to be terminated.

How is it going to be terminated?

Because all you're doing is talking and you're not listening.

This is an answering service.

An answering service?

You mean I'm talking to a recording?

Hello?

Is this a recording or a human?

Returning to main menu.

You have no new message.

To place a call, press 2.

For good or bad, press 3.

Or to change your settings, press 4.

Oh, man, that's good.

Let me try to call now.

You would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

For international numbers, please enter 011.

A human error that happens in computers.

What the fuck, man?

This is a free call.

What kind of fucking stupid...

They offer residential.

It's not bad.

4 megs.

It says 4 megs for $69.99.

But a $250 install fee.

That's bad.

For the technical support department...

It's probably DSL.

It's only probably down.

I don't think...

$300 a month for full service.

They don't even say what it is.

It's the Xtreme package.

Sales? No.

Wrong shit.

Hello? Is this sales?

Listen, you people promised me good service.

And we're getting the runaround here.

This is Valente, and I'm here with my partner, Verducci.

And we've got the Xtreme package, and the service is down.

And we're getting nothing but, like, we're getting our questions over there,

and we want to terminate our contract unless you get this fixed.

We're putting you in charge.

Who are you again, please?

This is Valente. I'm with Valente and Associates.

Verducci's on the line as well.

Where are you at? Am I calling your house or something? What is this?

You've reached my cell phone.

At this time of night? And you do sales at this time of night on your cell phone?

Why are you calling sales? You should be calling technical.

They're giving me the runaround at technical.

Let me interject, ma'am. I'm sorry that we're calling.

I'm sorry, ma'am. Listen, here's the situation.

I'm Valente's.

Here's the problem.

They've been having Internet connections all night.

And the reason I'm on the phone is I was called and woken up as well.

They called into the answering service there, kept hanging up.

We have the whole force.

That's what we do for the legal aspect of the things.

It's happening in the courts.

You know, it doesn't get furnished in the public records that they have.

But keep getting hung up on them.

We called in again with me on the line this time.

Answered to a supervisor, and then the supervisor hung up on them as well.

Then we called back, they transferred us to you.

Which makes me question, what kind of answering machine service are you having there?

They try to be in recording.

They just have no idea what is going on there.

I mean, it's worse than those call centers that get hired out of India.

Try to give you tech support over the vibrator thing that broke on the microwave.

Just have no idea.

People that have been dealing with us tonight, complete bottom feeders.

I have no idea.

Yeah, it's like they're those Negro people in Compton in line for chicken.

I do not understand what kind of company you guys are running.

Please explain it to me.

Familiar with the company that was hired to take the answering machine calls?

I'm not.

Who handles that?

I'm surprised they just didn't transfer me to them.

To them.

Why are they transferring me to you?

I feel bad for having to wake you up to deal with our issue.

We're trying to figure out why we pay $300 a month for this extreme package and nothing helps.

You should not be doing that at all.

I've been there for a year.

I'll be happy to help you.

Excuse me, sir.

Well, no, that's fine.

I understand.

It doesn't matter.

Well, I'm just good at helping with the police.

Well, no, I mean, it does matter.

I'm really good at civil suits, ma'am, and if they're not taking care of you,

especially for having you woke up because of the incompetency of somebody else answering phone calls,

pretending to be Fisher Price on, like, I don't know, some kind of Disneyland ride,

it doesn't make any sense to me.

Neither does anything that I just said.

But that's the point.

So what can we do to get this line fixed?

Okay, first of all, do you have service and Internet or just have Internet with us?

Yes, ma'am, yes, we have telephone service and Internet.

That's why this phone call is so choppy.

I'm having to call you on a cell phone right now.

We need to get everything fixed.

We lose a lot of money when we're down.

Phone lines aren't working, Internet's not working, and we keep getting hung up on.

May I have your name, and I'll have someone call you back in the evening?

Yes, you may.

Okay.

How long will it take them to call me back?

I'm going to do my best to try to get a host and see if we can't resolve the problem.

How long do you think it'll take?

I have no idea.

We don't know.

Everything is wrapped, though, right now.

Everything is wrapping up, so we need to get some kind of conclusion.

Do you know who will be able to help us immediately, like within five minutes?

Maybe one would even be better.

Time's running out.

The market's going to close, and everything.

thing it's gonna bankrupt our company do you understand what i'm saying let me call someone

right now okay what number can we call you well let you call somebody right now that no no seriously

yeah that's like that's like you know what i've been through tonight one of your operators

again they said they were gonna suck on my dick and then they hung up on me that is after i the

lawyer got on the floor and you know what that guy's name was christian that son of a bitch

made homosexual references towards me i'm a christian god-fearing son of a do you

understand what i'm saying ma'am and to have some guy say that kind of thing to me

makes me just want to put my finger in a light socket and dream a gallon of vodka what kind of

thing can you do for me tonight can we get the service fixed what is the phone number that you're

having the problem with oh i am at home i do not have your records in front of me i have no thing

to look at. They didn't tell me that. Valencia didn't tell you that at all. No, I have a phone

number. I was asking Valencia. No, I said I have a phone number. I was asking Valencia if they told

him they didn't. I was trying to get to the bottom of it. Why are you taking phone calls at home?

Why did they transfer me you in the first place? You ever walked in the office over there and

people have been naked? It's kind of what it sounds like. Because I worked for a company in

LA and everybody there were alcoholics. And that's what the office place was like when we

walked in. I have no idea what's going on with the phone calls tonight. You get the extreme package

that we purchased for our company fixed. Do you want me to call you back at 1-6? You can call us

back on either one of our cell phones. Call you back. Get somebody on the phone quick. I'll do my

best. Are you lying to me? Are you lying to me? What's your name? Janet or Margaret? I'm sorry,

I forgot. It's been a long night. I've talked to like a lot of people. What's your name? Norma.

Norma, what's your social security number?

Excuse me.

No, I want your social security number because I need your social security number

just because if I don't get a call back, I'm going to stalk you on Google.

Excuse me.

Okay, what?

You cut me off.

What do you want to tell me?

What?

Go ahead and tell me what you want to tell me.

You keep stopping when I'm talking.

I'm going to try to reach the supervisor now.

That's all I can do.

Try to report you to another one.

Well, the supervisor's probably going to hang up on you, too.

She hung up on me.

So can I please have your social security number?

No.

Goodbye.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new message.

Dude, that's good stuff, man.

That's crazy.

Can you believe the fucking sales reps' ladies' phones bring in at midnight?

Is that necessary?

What kind of company is that?

They're doing WiMAX, man.

They're doing WiMAX in Homestead, Florida.

So that's pretty amazing, actually.

It's expensive, though.

But it's WiMAX.

The lady's like 60.

Her name is Norma, and she's answering a cell phone at this time of night.

At this time of night for sales calls.

Jesus.

Can you imagine if I called in for a quote?

Do they really need to have someone 24-7 answer?

They're desperate right there.

Like someone's going to be calling 2 o'clock in the morning.

I need fucking internet.

No, they got a lot of services.

They got VoIP.

Best for time.

Best for measures.

Man, I guess so.

All right.

Hey, Eric, man, I'm going to wrap it up.

It's way past my bedtime, but hey, thanks for calling in, man.

And hectic.org is your site, right?

H-E-C-K-T-I-K.

.org.

All right, cool, man.

All right, well, thanks for calling in.

It was good.

It was fun.

Later, brother.

God damn it.

That's Eric Raducci, everybody.

That was pretty good.

Good to have him on there,

helping us out a little bit.

You know, I admit,

I wasn't all there tonight.

We did the best we could.

We had some timing issues tonight.

Went way over our usual schedule time,

and we pissed off Milkman.

So, hey, isn't this great?

Great fucking night.

Great fucking night, everybody.

Yep.

Happy fucking do yeah

His internet isn't I don't know he does this sometimes and I'm trying to be an asshole

But he does it sometimes he gets upset a little things and just acts like his internet crashed next thing

You know a week later. He's like I didn't like that

This I have to have it not to get him flowers to him in trouble with Athena

I'm in trouble with Athena there was somebody else and now milkman

No, I called her big Athena on the phone. She didn't like it. She got upset at me

man, she called me an asshole when I took a break, she called to slam the door, yep,

that was fun, oh, I, dude, I have a guest bedroom, I got a guest bedroom, and it's the

shit, I love my guest bedroom, I'd rather sleep in my guest bedroom than I do in my

own bedroom next to my wife, that's goddamn true, yeah, like a bachelor, like a single

man, every once in a while, dude, I'll tell you what, Tuck, it feels good when you, even

especially when you're married, it feels good to spend the night in a guest bedroom all

by yourself, you feel like, you know, every, it's like, you know, you got, we got these

these animal instincts man it's like the wolf and every once in a while the wolf just leaves man

wolf leaves and you know he gets another uh gets another cave for a little bit you know leaves the

den he comes back yeah man it's true okay she says she wants to she wants to have the stupid uh

fucking oh what is it the uh the tv on all the time and i can't stand it man it kills me tv

kills me i can't sleep with that on i cannot sleep with the tv on sure all right uh we'll be on next

Next week, the website is madhouselife.com.

I want to thank everybody post-mortem on Cacti Radio who was listening.

RBCB had to take over at midnight.

That's his time start.

But we're in the middle of that last call with Verducci, so I didn't want to cut it short.

We signed off right at the top of the hour with Syndicate also.

It's always the fucking thing with Syndicate.

I don't even know if it's...

I could care less about the...

I didn't even know we were back on Syndicate.

Yeah, I just said, I don't even know why I even worry about it.

But, you know, I don't know why I even worry about it, to be honest with you.

We're not on the schedule or anything as far as I heard.

We are.

I mean, they got us on the front page now, but I don't know.

Whatever.

All right.

Have a good week, everybody.

TuckerMike.com is his website.

And remember, it's on Tuesday night.

All right.

Okay.

Cool, cool.

Hey, and, Tucker, are you going to start doing live shows anytime soon, you think?

Or what's the deal is?

right maybe we can do some more show i don't know what do i got any numbers here really

uk numbers and stuff yeah mikey129 you're right dude that place is like i was thinking that man

and i didn't know how to describe it dude but that place is like pre.com bubble burst is exactly what

mikey129 said that's that's almost like i just didn't know how to describe it i wasn't like it's

They got that feeling, like, you know, look at the website and the way they're fucking, like, just advertising on the site and the way they only have two people taking calls this time of night and the salesperson, the sales department rings up some lady's cell phone at midnight and she actually answers it, whatever.

It was very, like, you know, nice and laid back.

like you know it'd be cool to work for one of those companies like you know back in the day

like back before the com.com burst where you could go to work you know whenever you wanted to

and leave whenever you wanted to as long as you just got the work done and it wasn't all this

pressure and shit i don't got that anymore you can't find any works maybe like in california

there might be some places like that now san francisco or some shit it's all gone yeah but

the guy got fired for it gay chat anyway i'm out of here good night everybody

What’s Not Black About Louis Armstrong?

Calls (29, 2 h 12 min of 3 h 7 min)

Transcript

Comments 0