Madhouse Returns

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And his own story was as curious as his narrative.

The tale of his life is the tale of a writer of incredible vision, an astute analyst and

pundit, a lyricist compassionate and callous, a reckless hedonist, and disaffected malcontent.

figures profitably yep that's right i didn't say it'd be a good show i didn't say it would be a

show at all i just said it's gonna be us back i did say it was a show what am i what am i trying

to kid okay i noticed we got a problem but i don't have any numbers a sound check and then

there was a full-on show oh well the issue that at hand now was that i don't have any numbers to

call new news around he said he's gonna work on those uh lonesome loser doesn't work at this hour

but he said he was gonna be uh confirming the night before and sending him in via email his

his idea so this sounds pretty positive i'm thinking we can concentrate some international

calls um we got a new phone so if we're gonna newbies this is a prank call uh show yeah it

is a prank call show oh we did we talk about other stuff though we talk about current events

and we fuck around a little bit you know talk about food i talk about sandwiches all the time

and food that i want to eat or van off the whim stuff like that and we talk about that we discuss

gusset all friendly like and send in your requests if you want uh yeah madhouse radio and aol and

yahoo i think i'm on those it should be online if i'm not sorry i didn't even send a tweet out

anybody that i'm on right now so if you're on right now suck can you handle that can you send

out a tweet or something a retweet of a tweet uh yeah i i'm killing some people that see uh

we're we're going on uh let me quit this or twat this or uh fake fake this right good deal all

All right, so prank calls is what we do.

I was playing some earlier here.

I'm going to concentrate on fixing a few things here that are left to do,

but I just wanted to come and just test actually talking,

starting up a show, music in the background.

Let me know how it sounds.

Is my microphone too over-modulated?

I think it might be.

There we go.

I think that's better.

Let me know how the music is.

If the music is too loud.

Tuck, you and I, we're testing out the new phone system.

We're going to use Skype plus Google Voice now together.

I merged them somehow.

um i found a guide out there i found i found a guide over on lifehack.com about you know merge

google voice with skype with gizmo with whatever you want and it's it's it sounded perfect to me

for our show because we can now do conferences with people on their computer or any number

anywhere and call in and fucking join in the fucking madhouse we'll do it that way i did talk

to reclude reclude is excited i talked to him a few days ago awesome he's putting a final final

Final touch, he's on some album work.

He said he's going to join us every once in a while on Wednesday afternoons.

He'll maybe do a few pranks.

He's out of the prank game for the most part already.

I don't know what else.

Who else can we talk about?

Well, Tuck, what have you been up to?

What have you been up to, Tuck?

Let's talk to the children.

What's Tuck been up to?

God, what the fuck have I been up to?

I've been up with all kinds of shit going on with me.

I'm putting a webcomic together, highbuddies.com.

That's where it will be once we get it done.

For the name, I guess you can figure out it's a bunch of people in high balloons.

Yeah, there you go.

Smoke weed every day.

Is that a project with that one guy with the goofy hat?

They're hot air balloons.

Does that have to do with that one guy with the goofy hat over there in Memphis?

No, that's Muck Sticky, and I actually did a couple of new CD covers for him during the break as well.

Hey, can I call Muck Sticky? I think it would be fun.

MuckSticky.com?

I'll call Muck Sticky. Give me his phone number, and I'll be like, I'm Muck Sticky.

Hey, you know what?

This is a really shitty rap.

He is pimping phone cards.

Yeah? Hell yeah. He's got a show. Doesn't he have a show?

He's totally into that. Yeah, we'll get hold of him. He's totally into that.

Muck Sticky's an interesting character.

He's a hip-hop artist of some sort.

He raps like...

He's got a Ustream going on at mucksticky.com.

He does it the first half of the work week.

You can catch him at night times.

All right, I just realized here...

So he's just around. You can check him out.

Talked or something right down here on the list of things to fix and adjust.

I have to turn off sounds in MIRC

because now whenever someone says be a message,

it goes...

That stupid Windows 7 default noise.

Oh, okay.

Noon is going to be sitting in a number here for

Asda. I think they do

own. Walmart does own Asda or Adsa.

Asda. Asda. They're

owned by Walmart, right? There's no Walmart

in England, but Asda is basically

owned by the Walmart company. So they're

the Walmart of the UK. I think they might

be all over Europe and shit.

And I had heard that Germany...

Big Sean Ward.

Sean Ward. Sean Ward.

Great guy.

Retired, but

but always a great prank caller.

Sean, man, if he's listening or if you can pass on a message, let him know.

I don't know if you're talking to him on Twitter or not.

I'm about to post my Twitter update here that we're back.

He's not home. He's out.

Oh, well, I've got to get a hold of him, see if he wants to send in

or maybe mail me a CD or transfer me some of his files of MP3s

of his chocolate prank calls and stuff like that because it's good shit.

I mean, even if he doesn't want me to play them,

I'm on the rotation of the Shoutcast stream or the Ustream, if that ever starts working.

Even if I could just have it for personal, you know, print college, you know, liking purposes.

Because those are funny.

Sean Ward was a great print caller.

And it's not his thing now.

He's got other projects.

He's just too busy of a guy, I'm sure.

Talented individual.

Go to SeanWard.net.

He's got all the videos up there, Tuck, right?

He's got a video.

He talks to people on the street.

He's like, man on the street, Sean Ward.

Yeah, he does it every day now.

He does it all professional TV style.

Yeah, he does.

That's cool.

All right, so be sure to visit him.

Anyway, get the word to Sean Ward.

I want to put his prank calls on Madhouse, the Madhouse site, maybe, or a rotation or something.

So they're not just sitting around gathering dust.

Don't be a jerk off, Sean Ward, you fucking ass.

Well, okay, so my plan for Windows 7 is to see if I can...

I got a computer now.

It's a server.

It's Server 2003, and I couldn't get Ustream to broadcast on it.

So now I've got a virtual machine running inside Windows 2003,

a virtual machine running Windows 7, which I believe in theory I may be able to get it,

so I'm pushing out the video out of it via Ustream.

I don't know if it's going to work or not, but I don't have time to do it now.

The machine just finally came online for the first time.

I spent an hour trying to get the Ustream to work so we could have our Ustream video up today and everything.

It's the reason why I was late.

I ran into serious problems, couldn't get anything to work to get it to broadcast video or audio.

So we're just on audio via Phone Losers, Cacti Radio, cactiradio.com, RBCP.

I'm helping out, but I'm going to be running the rotation.

RBCP's going to be going on vacation here.

He's going to be going to Hawaii and New Mexico, from what I understand,

and possibly a trip to Europe and Amsterdam, from what I understand.

I don't know that I was supposed to talk about that.

He's actually thinking about it.

Have you ever been to Amsterdam?

Or have you wanted to go?

My wife's been to Amsterdam.

Athena's been to Amsterdam.

He doesn't want to go.

I know, right?

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, I hear you.

Red light.

If you know what I mean.

He doesn't want to go to Amsterdam.

You don't want to bring a woman with you to that, you know?

That's a bachelor party trip.

Bachelors only or married men who are going to go out for a secret weekend, you know,

wearing business suits and go to Amsterdam and do a bunch of wicked stuff.

Amsterdam, everybody.

All right.

Hey, we need to do a prank call.

Did you send me a number yet?

Never tell anybody.

All right.

So this is going to be the first.

I mean, never tell anybody ever.

Ever.

Yeah.

Watch this.

Something really weird.

I'll get to that in a moment here.

I kind of don't want to talk about it right now.

It's going to sound weird if I don't have enough time to explain it.

United Kingdom is where we're calling.

And Essex over there.

We've got a Walmart, Asda place.

See if this works.

Trump said, yeah, you can have it.

Everything.

Old shows, calls, whatever you want.

the cost of this call is two cents per minute you have five minutes of talk time to this number it's

not working as i expected busy well that sucks another problem with uh skype wow the volume is

really loud on i'm gonna have to adjust the settings on that let's see here or how do you

do you use skype much uh tuck you got any experience with that thing much not enough to

...to tell you the ins and outs.

Ugh.

If there's a Scott Guru in the chat room,

get with us and tell us some secret shit.

I'm sure there's a way for me to lower the output volume on it.

I don't know.

Let me try to redial that.

No.

I called someone.

Wrong number.

It keeps a log of your calls, though, right?

Doesn't it somewhere?

Pretty sure it does.

Yeah, I believe it does, yeah.

Yeah.

Show history.

Here we go.

Aha.

Man, I didn't put it in here.

What a bitch.

All right, let's try this a different way, then.

Unless for some reason I'm not dialing it right.

All right. Nunu was telling me that there was a deal with Skype and free calls to the United Kingdom,

but he never really told me much about that, past that.

Seems like it's a, the number says it's invalid almost.

On here it does, at least.

Let me try if I pick UK.

I'm not good at this at all.

I'm going to dial 011 at the beginning.

0, oh, it doesn't like that.

011. All right, let's try that.

And it doesn't even accept that.

All right, well, cool. Well, that's not going to work.

I'm going to try the other way.

Definitely got to change that noise.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

You have five minutes of talk time to this number.

Try it again.

Nini was saying for Scott, do you want to get rid of zero and...

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

You have five minutes of talk time to this number.

Oh, it's ringing busy.

That's a good sign.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

You have five minutes of talk time to this number.

Are you reading what Nini was saying about the number?

Yeah, the number formatting.

I'm seeing that now no dice there. All right. We got a walk and roll. Give that a shot

I'm guessing some kind of Asian establishment. Is it

It says walk and roll walk and roll

Hey, what do you say they're big guy, how you doing? Okay these Chinese restaurant

Yeah, so I want to make an order for the Chinese's walk and roll, right? Yeah

Yeah, put me down for three spaces of walk and roll. Yeah noodles

Do you do noodles kind of substitute noodles instead of the rice? Yeah, you pick up. Yeah

Yeah, I'm going to come pick it up, yeah.

Okay, pick up, okay.

What delay, sir?

What's the delay?

I'm not sure.

There's not going to be much of a delay.

I was trying to set up the microphones and everything.

It took me a while.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Are you ready for the order?

Yeah.

I need three spaces.

Yeah.

Of the wonton soup.

One wonton soup, yeah.

No, three spaces of it.

Three?

Spaces.

What do you like?

I want three spaces.

Yeah.

Okay, how much is three spaces?

Three what?

Spaces.

How do you like, uh, what do you like, Jay? Tell me what do you like.

I like the spaces, three of them, please.

Huh?

I like three spaces.

It's not that difficult, sir, three spaces. Write it down. Do you know how to write it down?

Yeah.

All right, type, tell me how you're going to type it.

Wanton soup?

Three.

Three wonton soup?

Three wonton spaces.

I don't understand.

When you have more than one soup, it's a space. You understand?

No.

Yes, come on.

Wonton soup?

Listen, you need to learn the language. This is America, all right?

Yeah.

Three spaces.

Huh?

Spaces.

Three wonton soup.

All right, fine.

Whatever, the way, however you say, sir.

Three order wonton soup.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Anything else?

Yeah.

Uh, they have Pepsi.

Yeah, no Pepsi.

Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Ginger Ale.

Coca-Cola.

How many Coke?

Three.

Three Coke, three wonton soup.

Okay.

Yeah, and I want you to put it in the wonton soup, though.

Three Coke, three wonton soup?

Inside the wonton soup.

Inside of it.

Huh?

Inside of the wonton soup.

I want you to open up the coke, and put it inside the wonton soup, and cook it in there so it caramelizes.

Okay, I don't know what to say.

Hello, one minute.

Yeah, hi, I want to know, open the wonton soup.

How many?

I need three spaces.

Three wontons soup?

Three spaces.

Three places?

Spaces.

Huh?

Spaces.

Three orders?

Spaces, yes.

Three orders?

Say spaces.

What spaces?

Spaces.

That's it. There you go. Three.

We don't have it.

Okay. Three wonton soup spaces.

We only have three wonton soups.

Okay. Well, three of those then. I'll have to settle for that.

I want to substitute noodles for the rice inside the soup.

Soup has no rice. No noodles.

No noodles in that? Can we put noodles in it?

No, we don't.

Soba noodles.

No, we don't.

Do you have noodles there?

We don't have noodle soup.

Do you have noodles?

No, we don't have noodle soup.

Not soup. Just noodles, man.

We don't put it on.

Do you have noodles by itself?

Yes, but we don't put it on.

Okay, listen.

You got butter?

We don't have butter.

You don't have butter?

You have oil?

Oil?

Yeah.

Yeah, we have oil.

Okay, I want you to take a walk.

I want you to put a quarter inch of oil on the bottom.

Is it peanut oil or vegetable oil or what is it?

Put it into where?

In the wok.

For what?

I'm going to tell you.

I don't want you to write this down.

I'm telling you how to make my dinner.

I don't want to make your own dinner.

No, I'm paying you, damn it.

No, no, no. We don't do it.

Okay, listen. You take a quarter inch of oil inside the wok.

We don't do it, sir.

You put the soba noodles in the oil.

We don't do it.

Let me speak to your manager right now.

I am the manager.

Let me speak to the owner.

I am the owner.

The women aren't the owner. Man, put a man on the phone.

Who?

The real owner.

So I'm the owner.

You got your papers?

What paper?

Your papers that you're the owner.

I don't have to show you. Do I have to?

Oh, yes, you do. If I say you do, you have to. I'm an attorney. I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go ahead, sue me.

You know what?

I'm writing all this down.

What's your name?

I don't have to tell you.

I'm coming in, and I'm going to make you give me your driver's license and your social security card.

Yeah, yeah, come in, come in.

Bling, bling, bling.

Bling?

Bling, bling, everything.

You got bling, bling?

Don't be putting on airs talking about your gold jewelry in front of me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you're here.

Tell me all the bullshit.

You're not paying taxes, and you're buying all this jewelry over there.

I heard about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about you people?

people yeah yeah yeah uh-huh yeah yeah yeah now now you don't know english now right now you

dinky dow yeah tell tell me all the shit dinky dow yeah that's you monkey do you wash your hands

when you go to the bathroom hello do you wash your hands do you wash your hands god damn it

god damn it i'm done with that guys just sitting there not talking fucker wasting my time so is

that the first uh that's the first officially officialish first kind of prank call that we've

gun right good deal yeah well you know getting there i was fine yeah if you're gonna send in

numbers you got a private message to me because then i won't notice i couldn't look at so much

of that chat room during the show sir but i got this one i'm paying attention now there's not so

many people in there smoke cars smoke cars smoke cars barbecue um the dead's in here under a

The Sky is Clay's here.

News here.

Some guy named McVengeance is here.

McVengeance is cool.

Some guy named Justin is here.

I believe McVengeance is from Australia or something.

What time is it in Australia at this hour?

Because we can call them, too.

Oh, gosh.

I don't know.

I think it's wake-up time in Australia.

Can I call them to wake them up?

That'd be great.

I think it's more like night, night, night, night time.

McVengeance is in Oklahoma.

Damn it, man.

He wouldn't know.

That's why I asked him.

Well, he still has a computer.

All right, we're going to do another call.

We're going to try to call that ASDA again and see if they pick up this time.

Stand by.

Welcome to ASDA Harlow.

We are continuously open for...

Now what happened?

Anything.

Great.

To speak to our George Clotham department, please press 1.

To speak to our pharmacy...

The extension is busy.

uh yeah say what say what say what good evening that's the whole life customer service

first want to explain that i've been calling and it's an emergency an issue and i get put

on transfer and hold and i have to keep putting in the options every time and a lot of times

i'm really sorry about that but you know the phone is only wrong and i've answered it here

how many people are there answering the phones it's just myself on the customer service test

Can I ask who's calling?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

Ralph Littlejohn.

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

I'm from the United States.

I'm calling you from Chicago, Illinois right now.

Right.

And you said it was an emergency.

Well, it's an urgent matter.

I need to get baby formula.

But I need to know the specifics that you have on your baby formula.

I'm paying with a check, a personal check.

Just bear with me.

Okay.

I almost said Valente.

I'm not using that name anymore.

I had to get used to that.

Spent three, four years just rolling Valente off my tongue.

I forgot, oh, we got a whole list of new names people sent in.

Your new names?

Your name for the new season?

Yep.

Can I help you?

Yeah, who am I speaking with?

I didn't ask to speak to no men over there.

What are you doing here?

What's this?

What do you want, mate?

What's your name first?

I don't go around talking stuff to people I don't recognize, I don't know.

What's this about?

I'm Dave.

What's your function there?

Are you a manager?

No, I'm a warehouse colleague.

Can you put a man on the phone, please?

A man?

Yes.

I'm a man.

Well, what about a real man, like a manager, you know, like a person in a suit, like a real...

Okay, give me two seconds.

Okay, thanks.

Okay.

Hello?

What's your function?

My name's Steve. I'm the hardware manager.

The hardware manager? This isn't a hardware issue.

Why am I speaking to a hardware manager?

No, no, I want to speak to the hardware manager.

I want to speak to...

Who do you want to speak to?

The administrator of the real manager, not some fly-by-night guy who got a promotion because someone had a heart attack or something.

I got a promotion because someone got a heart attack, yeah, that's right.

Exactly.

I'm the only manager in the store.

I can help you.

Why don't you find me the highest-ranking woman, then?

There ain't no other highest-ranking woman.

I'm the only manager in the store.

And you do hardware there?

Yeah.

What are your functions?

What's the scope of your powers there as a hardware manager?

I run the whole store.

Yeah, but no, no, you're a hardware manager.

You're not a store manager.

Yeah, but at the moment, there's no other manager in the store,

so I'm the store manager.

So the people are just goofing off over there.

No wonder I got such bad service then, right?

Because they've got an inferior person like you

is supposedly the manager of the store.

They're letting the children run the store, right?

Who's the real manager during the day, the person who really runs the store?

Yeah, that's it. That is totally it, sir.

I'm letting the children run the store.

No, I'm asking, what's the person who's really the manager in charge there?

Who's your boss?

I can't give out that information.

Now, you're required, by the permits that you have on your walls in your offices,

to answer these questions about calling in.

Now, I'm an attorney, and I know the rights of this country and my country.

And you know very damn well you're supposed to at least give me...

What is your query today, sir?

Quiet.

What?

You're supposed to give...

Quiet.

What is your query?

Don't tell me to be quiet.

Quiet, sir.

Quiet.

Sit down and be quiet.

Sit down and be quiet, boy.

Right now.

You're talking to a joke.

Listen, I'm calling from a superior nation, the United States of America.

I told him to be quiet.

Let's call him back.

What was his name?

Dave?

Hey, Nunu sent you some good information in the I'm.

It's about Skype free calls.

Oh, I care.

Okay, let's see.

Thank you, Nunu.

Because of the World Cup thing, they got a lot of free and unlimited things.

It's a World Cup country.

We open from Monday 8 a.m. to Saturday 10 p.m.

Sunday we are open from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Speak to our George Clothing Department.

UK is unlimited.

Please press 1.

Good deal.

I'm working on it.

Please press 2.

Speak to our...

That was USA.

Please press 3.

Speak to our music and video department.

Please press 4.

For all other inquiries, please press 0, and you'll be connected to our...

She sounds so cunty.

Yeah.

Right.

Good evening.

That's the hard-eye customer service desk.

Michelle speaking.

How can I help?

Yes, sir.

I need to speak again to that manager who hung up on me so rudely.

Is he really the only manager there, the guy that deals with the hardware?

Yeah, he is the only manager.

Joe, you'd like to speak to the one that was rude to you, would you?

Yeah, he was very rude.

He sounds like he's epileptic or something.

He was very rude.

And you'd like to speak to him again, though?

Yeah, how did you know?

Because you just told me.

I didn't tell you that part.

You already knew before I said it.

How did you figure that out?

What's that mean?

No, you just said that you wanted to speak to the rude manager that hung up on you.

No, I asked who was the rude manager who hung up on me.

And you made presumptions that I want to talk to him.

I don't need to talk to him again if he's going to hang up on me again.

Because he's rude and nasty and mean.

So, why don't you tell me who's really in charge over there?

He's in charge.

Well, during the normal hours when the real owner of the store is in,

when the real manager's in, who's his boss?

Hello?

Listen, I want to know who's the person in charge over there of all these mongoloids and epileptics.

There's no epileptics at work here, sir.

I think you have an epilepsy, though.

Who is this? Is this the lumber guy?

Yeah, he's the hardware guy.

The hardware guy? Wow, big deal.

So I command you to give me the name of the person who's in charge over there.

Sir, I don't appreciate you being rude to me.

You don't command me to do nothing.

Come now. Be a good boy and tell me who it is.

Who?

Be a good little boy. Be like my little chicken and tell me who it is, please.

I don't appreciate you ringing me up and having a laugh on the phone because I've got work to do.

Piss off, you bastard.

And I'll ask you any questions and I'll go.

You're an effeminate man.

Eh?

An effeminate man.

Yep.

That's you.

I can't hear you, sir.

Your club sucks at football.

Sorry?

Your club sucks at football.

My club?

You don't even know how I support.

Yeah, the English, the English country, England, they suck at football.

Yeah, that's the country.

It's not a football club.

Whatever it is, I call it soccer.

How do you like that?

Yeah, that's perfect.

I heard because you guys lost in the World Cup, they were taking away the London Olympics

and taking them somewhere else now.

They're going to bring it to Chicago in America now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Nah, they can't take it there because people will just get bombed.

We massacred you in the fucking World Cup, you know.

Oh, okay.

It was a massacre that we did upon your team.

Did you?

So we're claiming the Olympics in 2012 for the United States.

That's brilliant.

Chicago.

I've got a medal here if you want one.

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing but effeminate men over there that work in your store.

I'm sure you know.

Who?

There's nothing but effeminate men that work in your store.

Yeah, effeminates?

Yeah, yeah.

I heard you.

Okay.

Who would that be, then?

Yourself.

Myself, yeah.

I haven't talked to any of the men there.

You don't know anyone else that works here?

Well, I mean, you're English, though, so it's obvious that you're, you know, like that.

Yeah.

Good for me.

You're not putting a good accent on that.

I'll give you that.

English men have effeminate accents.

They do?

Yeah.

They have common accents as well.

Are you a commoner?

I am.

Okay.

And how much are your spaces?

Yeah.

Spaces?

Yeah.

What are you on about?

Spaces.

No, how much are your spaces is what I'm asking.

I don't get you.

What space?

What space are you on about?

No, I need to acquire two spaces over there, so I want to ask you how much they are.

Two spaces for what?

For my personal use.

Yeah, but what do you mean spaces?

Spaces.

Yeah, well, that's the woman that maybe, maybe there's a woman out there who's smarter

than you.

Maybe you should ask her.

No, what do you mean by spaces?

Advertising spaces.

Is that what you're saying?

No, just spaces, sir.

It's not that difficult to grasp.

You know what a space is?

I know what a space is.

There you go.

There's a space.

Do you want floor space?

Wall space?

And general spaces.

All spaces.

You're being silly, huh?

No, general spaces, sir.

There ain't none available.

Okay, well, whatever.

Yeah, I guess you don't understand the laws of physics.

You're really fucking stupid.

You know that?

There's no spaces here.

Yeah, we're two-dimensional.

There's no spaces here.

Yeah, brilliant.

Okay, yeah.

You're showing me, Mr. Englishman.

Uh-huh.

there's a good accent you're doing yeah you think thanks i've been working on it for a while

you've been working on it for a while yeah oh yeah how good does it sound sound good

does it sound american it does sound good actually yeah what others can you do the australian no no

no no i don't like the sound of them it's horrible when someone plays your own game isn't it yeah

kind of it's not horrible this is a good conversation yeah it's quite quite amusing

quite amusing so seriously about the spaces what do you want we own the store and all our

Our spaces are filled up.

Oh, they're all full?

We own the ground.

You can make room for them, though.

You can make room for mine.

Just got to bump them off.

We can't.

We change promotion all the time, sir.

Bump them off, bump them over.

Sorry?

Bump them off, bump them over, and put my spaces in there.

How do I want your spaces in there?

There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

You have to accept them.

It's in a United States charter.

No, I don't.

Oh, these are the rules of the United States, sir.

This is America.

Yeah, it's the United States.

This is America.

This is the UK.

Yeah.

You have your own set of rules over there.

I'm from the United States, and my laws take precedence over yours.

Yeah, but this is the UK.

Yeah, but I'm calling you from America.

Oh, yeah, that's a very expensive phone bill.

Yeah, I don't quite give a hell about what you think your rules are and how things go.

If I want to come in and sell my product there, you're obliged by law to make space for my product.

No, we're not.

Well, you definitely do.

Then I'm going to come in and make the space.

I'm going to do it myself then.

Okay, and then we'll kick you out.

No, no, no, you won't catch me.

I'll come in very sly, very quiet, and I'll put stuff off the shelves.

I'll put them on the floor and put my stuff up there.

I have a flea market.

I have used clothes and old Sega Nintendo Genesis tapes and all that.

You can bring what you want in.

Have you been to the store before?

Definitely.

That's why I'm calling.

Remember, I was making a complaint about the toilets.

Yeah, yeah.

You live in Harlow, don't you?

I was making a complaint about the toilets.

Quiet.

Go on.

Are you going to carry on?

Quiet.

No, don't be quiet.

I was making a complaint about the toilets.

About the toilets?

Yes.

Okay.

What one's in the store?

We've got a couple, sir.

What one?

Well, there's a sign there that says that you're happy to clean the toilets for me.

Yeah.

Not for you, but for every hour for all the customers.

Yeah.

Yeah, but for us, right?

For the people?

You clean?

You're happy to do it?

Who cleans the toilet exactly?

Is it you?

Our cleaning team.

You have a cleaning team?

We do.

All right.

So then I want to go ahead and have them come.

I'm going to be staying at a hotel just outside of Essex.

It's a bed and breakfast castle that's over there.

And I need them to come in and clean the toilet, because I like to have it sanitized.

I don't usually trust just the, you know, normal cleaning teams or places like that.

So if you're cleaning...

I'm glad you're, uh, eh?

It says you're...

I'm glad you're clean.

No, but you do the service. You clean the toilets for us, so that's what I'm saying.

Nah, only for us to do.

No, it doesn't say that on the sign, though.

Where it does?

Well, no, it doesn't anywhere.

I mean, I have a good lawsuit here, and pending, because there's nowhere on that...

No, you haven't.

There's nowhere that it says that it's only for in-store.

There's no asterisk there.

There's nothing that explains it.

It has an ASDA logo on it.

And why would you have an ASDA sign in a hotel, sir?

Because it's your service.

You're advertising it for yourself as your service.

Yes, it is.

Okay, if you say so.

You can carry on going around the block because you're not winding me up.

Any more questions?

I'm still going to get you guys to come out here and clean the toilet.

They don't clean the toilet.

They clean the toilet in-store, in ASDA.

No, no, no.

It's in your same town

I'm not asking you people to fly over here

I'm just saying that there's a sign there

That says you clean the toilets for everybody

And I need you to go

Before I check into this hotel

The day of or at least the night before

No, we clean the toilets for our customers

Exactly, that's what I'm saying

I am a customer

Not if you're not in our store

I am going to be in the store

I'm going to make a visit

I'm going to buy a few things

Yeah, but you're asking me to go to a hotel

No

To clean the toilet.

It's not you.

It's your cleaning team.

This is what they do.

No, no.

They're not going to come to that.

They're not going to leave the premises to clean.

They're cleaning.

They're cleaning the toilet here for you.

They're cleaning people.

They're not going to clean the toilet at another time.

They're people that clean.

Yep.

So they should...

Yep, but not for your hotel.

That's not what it says on your sign.

Your sign says specifically that you're happy to clean the toilet for me.

I don't care what the toilet sign says.

I'm telling you.

Well, it's there.

Then you've got to take it down.

No, it hasn't got to be taken down.

Well, then it's a false advertisement.

I'm going to sue you.

Where are your papers at?

I want copies of your papers.

You're not getting copies of nothing.

The only copy you'll get is the front paper.

No, I want your papers.

I want copies of your papers, your social security number and everything,

your identification number.

No.

Social insurance information.

Sorry?

Social insurance information.

I'll leave it to you.

What, sir?

Give it to me.

I ain't giving you nothing.

Send me a fax now with all this information.

I need a copy of the papers.

Nah.

Write this down, then, for the real manager.

I ain't writing nothing down.

What if I command you to write it down?

You don't command me to do nothing, mate.

Then you're a badly behaved little monkey,

because you're obviously not understanding that when I say I command you to do something,

you're supposed to drop everything.

I understand what you're saying, yeah,

but we're not all jumps up idiots that have a dodgy accent from America.

When people command you to do things, we don't all jump and say how high.

Well, you do all the time in history, throughout history you've done that for us.

In history? Ah, right, okay.

It's in your character

It's in your moral fibre

To just do what we say

Do as you're told

You understand?

Because I'm superior to you

Like as far as a person

I might look better than you

Cool, cool

Have you got any other stuff

You want to tell me?

Yes, I'm still going

Because I'm really bored of this

And I've got work to do

Women, shut up

Please quiet

Women are

You shut up

Women are more attractive to me

Than they are to you

It's obvious

Yep, yep

Okay

I have better facial features

Whatever

If this is how you get your kicks

On a Wednesday night

Then good luck to you, man

I have broad shoulders

Yep.

You don't even know what I look like.

You can take a run and jump, to be honest.

No, I've been there.

I saw you already.

You're the guy in the hardware department.

Yeah?

Only because I told you that.

You're the guy in the hardware department.

When did you come in then?

How long ago did you come in?

I was there two days ago before I left country.

And now I'm coming back.

Oh, two days ago.

Okay.

I'm coming back tonight.

So you saw me two days ago?

I'm coming back.

You saw me two days ago, yeah?

Two, three, or four days ago.

Something like that, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

I only come back from holiday today.

Where did you go?

You couldn't have seen me.

Where did you go?

Mind you, I'm busy.

It's not for me to go.

So you didn't go to holiday, then?

Yeah, I didn't go to that.

Where did you go?

Oh, in Egypt.

Where did you stay in Egypt?

What city?

Yeah, it's still in, yeah.

What city in Egypt?

It's none of your business.

Uh-huh.

Well, you can.

Was it a chain hotel or a private hotel?

It was a chain hotel.

How'd you book it?

How'd you find the phone number?

You don't phone up in nothing.

Have you got a pod?

You're full of shit.

You've never gone to Egypt.

With that voice of yours, you sound like a mouth breather.

You really think that I believe you went to Egypt?

If you say so, man.

You go to an Egyptian restaurant, you think, oh, I want the Egypt.

Yeah, I went sharm-a-shake.

Sharm-a-shake.

Yeah.

Okay, that makes sense.

Do you want to quickly check that out on your laptop?

Yeah, I guess.

Before you come back with some more questions.

We're going to hear it.

Monkey.

It's quite funny, actually, because I'm getting paid to do this.

Monkey.

Hey.

Monkey.

I was trying to send it to Tuck.

I don't know.

I don't think that was very funny.

It was kind of, it had its moments.

Sharam El Sheikh.

Getting paid minimum wage.

Good point.

Man, I'm in the mood to eat.

I'm on wife's home and I can't quite get anything good to eat.

I gotta eat some fucking shit.

Hey, I think you're on me.

Did you talk to the guy?

Did he get transferred to you?

No?

You didn't get anything?

Alright, what number is the guy here from?

New, new.

Let me play some music.

Okay.

Burden of India restaurant.

York, England.

I'll try it.

What's he saying?

Hello?

I was calling my friend, and he goes, hey, give me a second, and now I'm talking to you.

Put him on speaker. Can we hear him?

So who is this? Who am I talking to?

Are you Pizza Place? I'm kind of hungry. Could you send me a pizza?

That's all echoey. Kill it. It's all echoey.

I hear myself in the fucking background.

I'm going to mute that talk.

He's gone.

He's gone. Unmute talk, then.

So he was asking, like, what's this?

Was he all pissed off?

They're like, eh, oi, oi, oi, eh, probably.

I was in the middle of calling someone else, though.

Now we have no music.

Give me heads up when you do that from now on.

Uh-huh.

How come we have no music?

Oh, there we go.

Miss Miller.

I'm 15.

These cats just whack flat out.

They got some cats flat out that get the mic.

They just whack.

Where, where I come from an era where the art of rhyming, like, what you're saying

and, and even if you, okay, let's say you're just gonna talk about drugs in your chain.

Okay.

I'm tired of that guy.

Hey, big guy, how you doing?

This is Ralph Lillijohn.

I want to make some orders over there, buddy.

I want to make some stupid orders for food.

I want to make some stupid orders.

Stupid orders. Stupid order.

Stupid order? Yes. For food.

Food? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. What do you want? You have tandoori chicken.

Sorry? Tandoori chicken.

Are you picking up? Yeah, I'm gonna pick it up.

I'm gonna pick it up.

Yeah, I'm gonna pick it up. What's that?

That's Valente. Sorry? Valente.

Those guys are stupid. Someone sent me

a number. Hey, the gay guy.

Needed to send me a number for the Al

Balal the gay guy is answering again.

Oh, the gay guy. What's that? Al Balal is

This is a British place in the UK and they have a gay guy that answers sometimes. It's funny. It's a hoot.

Well, they are funny.

Well, they sound gay. Funny gay.

Well, they're called gay.

Gay, gay, gay.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Pride right now anyway, right?

Yep. Hey, buddy, how you doing?

Sorry, mate.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

I'm all right. How are you?

I'm good. This is the kebab place.

This is the kebab place.

Can I get put down for a few orders, please? I want to make an order. Pick it up now.

and I want to make one for a little later for somebody else.

All right, no problem.

One minute, yeah?

All right.

Let me just get a pen.

All right, Doccy.

Sorry, mate.

One minute, yeah?

All right, Doccy.

Something to hold.

I need something to hold.

Yeah, mate.

What do you want?

I need something to hold on to.

Sorry?

You have lamb kebabs there, right?

Yeah, lamb kebabs.

All right, put me down two lamb kebabs.

You put a piece of bread on top of that.

A piece of what?

A piece of bread on top of that.

Put a piece of bread on top of it, the very end.

A piece of bread on top, yeah?

Do you have bread there at all?

Two medium-time tunas, yeah?

Hello?

Listen, don't be a monkey, all right?

No, no, listen to me, sir.

Don't start playing around here because I get nervous

and I think you're going to play around with this stupid food.

And I heard about you people and what you people do to food sometimes,

and I'm watching you, and I get the food checked out if I feel anything, all right?

You know what, mate?

Listen, you muppet.

If you don't believe it, come to the shop, yeah,

and then check how we cook the food.

You don't need to talk like this to us, you know what I'm saying?

You have people that don't wash their hands when they go to the bathroom.

Do you know how to cook?

I saw that you people have...

When you go to the toilet, do you wash your hands?

Yes, I do.

I wash my...

Don't talk to me, yeah?

You don't wash your hands.

Don't talk to me like that.

Do you wash your hands?

Don't talk to me like we're idiots.

Don't talk to me like we don't know our jobs.

You know?

We know our jobs.

Listen.

So we're working there.

Listen, monkey.

At least we've got a job, you know?

When's the last time you washed your hands, Moses?

You don't need to be rude.

Stupid monkey, when's the last time you washed your hands?

Huh?

When's the last...

When I fucked your mom.

So you came in today, you didn't wash your hands, you make a shit, you don't wash your hands, and you make cooking and food?

I wash it every hour.

Every hour on the hour.

Why don't you ask, why don't you find out where your mother is for me?

Find out where your mother is.

Go find your mother.

are a waste of life. Cut. You're just a waste of life. You're just calling and wasting your

credit. You're a waste of life. That's horrible. You're just a waste of life. What do you mean

I'm horrible? You're the one who's coming and chatting shit to us, and then you're saying

I'm horrible? I just try to make an order. You're the horriblest person in the world,

mate. You're just a waste of life. Cut. You're the one all angry. I mean, I didn't mean to

get upset you or anything. But what do you mean? You didn't mean what? I didn't mean

anything. You don't wash your hands. You lot of people, we don't know how you cook

the food if you don't like it don't buy it mate i was just asking we're not we're 12 hours and

then people like you come and chat shit to me nah mate i'm sorry please don't just take my order

though okay no i'm not taking order from you you understand listen i command you to take my order

you monkey huh i command you to take i command you to take my order uh shut your mouth man it's cool

one thing about skype damn like everything else i plan to start saving these numbers up

so i can call them back easily so how was i getting that or were you transferring it to me

yeah i hit a button that said transfer and i transferred that working i transferred it

it worked okay all right cool i don't know if you could transfer it back you should be able

to transfer it back it doesn't cost me anything i don't think right no couldn't

I'm just saving that last number.

That's the, uh, I don't know what to call it.

Angry.

That's the phone ringing in, sir.

I don't touch a real phone anymore.

I got a second little pin mic on the clip of this one.

Chillin'.

Hey, buddy.

Hello?

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

I'm all right. How are you?

I just want to say I'm sorry, brother, okay?

Will you please take my word?

Sorry, mate?

I just want to say I'm sorry, you know.

I'm sorry, mate.

You see, you just, you're rude, you know?

I know, but my wife left.

What do you mean?

My wife left the apartment and everything because I was talking like that.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's not my problem, mate.

No, I'm saying I'm sorry.

That's your problem.

It's your problem.

Asshole, I'm sorry, asshole.

I'm fucking sorry, you asshole.

That's your problem.

Deal with it.

You want to come to the shop?

If you want to come to the shop, we're still here in the shop if you want to.

I'm sorry.

Deal with it, okay?

Asshole.

Yeah, come to the shop and then we'll see, asshole, or not.

Are you going to hurt me if I come in?

I'm not going to come in if you're going to threaten me.

Huh?

If you're going to hurt me and stuff.

No, come to the show.

You fucking waste that.

You promised you wouldn't.

Your wife left you because you couldn't fuck in it.

No, she left because...

It's not about the food.

Your wife left you because you couldn't fuck in it.

She left because she knows that I'll hurt you if I go over there and she didn't want to be a part of it.

She knows what I'm capable of.

You are the biggest joker in the life, mate.

I think you should go to the TV shows, the jokers in TV shows.

I practice...

You waste life.

I practice Muay Thai.

Why don't you put your normal number in it?

Why are you putting it on private?

It's a foreign number, some foreign language number, isn't it?

The American shit number or something like that.

Listen to me.

Don't you dare fucking talk about the United States, you understand?

Hold up, mate.

You're going to do something about it.

We're the superior country to you, and you be quiet.

You sit there and be quiet.

Quiet.

You're going to do something about it, mate.

I'm going to go over there and make you be quiet.

All right, come on, then.

You little monkey shit.

You be quiet, mate.

All right, come on, then.

When I say you be quiet, you be quiet.

your whole family everyone be quiet yeah come on then mate why don't you why don't you find out

where your mother is what mate why don't you find out where your mother is well mate you find out

yeah english people go to turkey to get it you know no but where do you find out where your

mother is and you'll find me because she's she's with me how about you do you know who's your mama

actually do you know who's your dad forget about the mom yeah he's your dad he's upstairs my house

Yeah, your dad's up there, yeah? You sure he's your dad? He talks to your mom?

He's watching TV. Yeah, I look just like him.

He talks to your mom that he's your dad, yeah?

Yeah, we have the same color eyes and everything.

Yeah? Is it?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Are you the same color?

Absolutely.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, pure American.

Maybe you're color blind, you know?

Pure white blood American.

If you're not a man, you come to the shop. If you're not a man, you just shop and watch your car, yeah?

White blood American without a drop of your insignificant blood.

I thought, yeah, cool.

Having fun with that guy.

All right.

Ask about Sister Nunu says.

We'll call him back in a little bit.

Let's go.

Chat room's asking if we're still doing podcasts.

Yeah, there's a podcast feed.

A prank cast is up.

I guess I'll start with all the ones we did in earlier 2010.

We got about eight episodes.

I'll throw that in there to pad it at the beginning,

and I'll start picking up from this week on.

All right.

Sounds good.

Good? All right, good.

And then we'll keep the pranks.

Did you ever put the last one we did up on the podcast?

Never, never, never been on.

I know it's a Ustream on there.

There's a Ustream version of it online,

and the MP3 of it is edited and ready to go and unreleased.

Maybe one day.

Oh, you're holding on to it.

Yep, pretty much, yeah.

All right, let's call ASDA.

Not ASDA.

I see how it is.

We're calling Albalala.

Your call is 7 cents per minute.

Ta-da.

That's somewhere, isn't it?

Okay, let's see what else we got.

I guess we will not be calling the altar at all.

The buzzards we did already, that was the kebab restaurant.

We'll call them back in a moment.

Here we go, there's a Greek restaurant here.

Like the 60s

All gala calls

The Air Force crispy

Cut clean as a whistle

Spin a 360

It's a dreamer

Hittin' the mommas

At Wrigley

Raps are believable

Not just like

Riffle

I see

Yes, hi.

Hi.

Hello.

I'd like to

make an order, please.

My name is Ralph.

Ralph, what could

we get for you today?

I'd like an order

of Malacca.

Taka?

Malaka.

It says, my friend wrote down, it's like a lasagna.

It said it's M-A-L-A-K-A, malaka.

We don't have anything on our menu.

He's from Greece.

His name is Nikos.

Yeah, we don't have that.

There's nothing like that.

Can you ask the chef for it, or can I speak to the chef?

The only thing we have is moussaka.

Well, he said this is a very common dish called malaka.

Moussaka is layered like a lasagna.

It's got eggplant, beef, potatoes.

It's got a top with a tomato sauce.

No, no, no, no, no.

What's the malacca, then?

It's something different, then.

It's got to be.

I don't know.

If you give me your phone number, I'll have them call you back.

Is there a man I can talk to?

If you give me your phone number, I'll have them call you back.

I'd rather talk to a man now, any man.

It's really important.

You can have your phone number, Ralph.

I'm holding.

It's okay.

That's okay.

I'm about to take your phone number, Ralph.

I'm going to put the phone down, and I'm going to come back.

I forgot what number I'm giving out.

Sorry, ladies.

Oh, no.

Regular straight now.

This is horrible.

What kind of way to do business is this?

Sick seal.

Listen.

I just got transferred over to a computer or a fax machine.

What's that about?

I don't know.

How can we help you?

Are you transferring?

Did you transfer me just now?

How can we help you?

Answer my question.

How can we help you? Please answer mine.

You can help me by answering my questions.

I'm all set. How can we help you?

The question is, why did I get transferred to a computer or fax machine?

I don't know. How can we help you, Al?

Who were you trying to transfer me to before?

How can we help you, Ralph?

Answer for me the question.

Ralph, I don't have time to play games. How can we help you?

I'm asking you to transfer me back to the person you meant to transfer me before

and not to a machine or a fax,

because I think that maybe you don't know how to use the telephone machine correctly.

How can we help you, Ralph?

Transfer me to manager.

You are speaking to a manager. How can I help you?

Transfer me to a male manager.

We only have women that work here, Ralph. I'm sorry.

No, there's got to be a man in charge,

because this explains exactly what the problem is where you work.

What can we do for you?

Who's the owner of the business? What's that person?

How can we help you, Ralph?

Ralph.

Tell me who the person is that owns it.

Ralph, I don't have time to play games with you.

Is it a man or not?

Have a good day.

Tell me, is it a man or not?

Have a good day.

Man or not.

She is a cunt, too.

I don't appreciate that.

She doesn't have time, Ralph.

She has time for you.

She can put a man on and has time.

I mean, really.

Seriously.

She doesn't have time for these games, Ralph.

Her games are the...

She's the one with the games.

She's repeating the same thing over and over again.

I repeat the same thing over and over again.

What's your problem?

What do you want?

What do you need?

you, Doug. Hello, stupid woman.

Peace.

Now that sucks.

The chat is blocked at work, eh?

I was looking at the forums

and some people are saying they're reporting that...

Good. It's good that chat didn't work.

No, Baz wanted to chat and

Mia. Mia, hopefully, is listening.

She's always been in the forums.

ever in the show now that we're doing an early show she can do it hello mia what are you eating

did we call the india restaurant already let's call them back if we did we're calling them back

well it's been a learning experience so far i think i did okay despite i was a one hour late

but i was able to get everything for the most part working i'm gonna have to adjust the sound

The sound of the microphone, I think it's just too bassy, maybe.

Maybe this is better.

There we go.

Ah, success.

Okay, good.

And I trust the phone sounds good.

Like, when people are listening to it, you can hear the conversations good.

It sounds good.

Hopefully, you can hear me okay and stuff.

Yeah.

Please let me know.

Keep me in the loop.

I can hear you okay.

I can hear the phone okay on my thing, anyway.

Good deal.

All right, let me call the...

Am I too loud and not too soft?

How am I sounding?

Yeah, you're sounding right to me.

Whatever.

I'm going to do one more call.

I'm going to call it...

Doing one more call.

I'm going to call it a day for the time being.

There's really not much more I can do.

To improve things any further, I'm going to have to take the show offline

and do some rewiring of stuff.

I'm here.

Hey, woman, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

Yes, ma'am.

Can I speak to a man, please, to take my order?

Excuse me?

Can I please speak to a man who can take my order?

Yeah, I can take your order.

Oh, you're a woman, and then you speak to a man.

Man, that's stupid.

All right, I'm really out of here.

I don't have any outro music.

Oh, wait a minute.

We've got to call Milkman.

What did you ask about the music guy?

People never asked.

It's funny.

No one cares about Milkman enough.

But he's actually out.

I guess not.

I was wondering where he was.

He is visiting family somewhere.

What does he deal with them?

He's out of town visiting some family.

So let me see if I can find him here.

Find his number.

Give him a call.

I told him I'd try to call him.

But he's still coming back to the show.

Oh, yeah.

He'll come back.

Don't worry.

He'll come back.

Okay.

Good.

Yeah, I'll do.

What's going to be the normal hours here for the show?

Eastern Standard Time, Eastern Standard Time, 3 to 6, normally.

That's the plan.

3 to 6, so this is the normal time.

This is the normal time.

Normally, we'd be ending in about a half hour, and we would have started an hour early.

Okay.

This call is for cents per minute.

He won't answer.

He thinks he's a collector.

Okay.

I am the collector.

That'd be a funny thing to start, calling as the collector,

Like an evil guy named The Collector.

I am The Collector.

Anyway, we're out of here.

Thanks everyone for tuning in.

Great tests, good times, some pranks.

We'll be more organized next time.

And show your kiddies at Sookermod.com.

MadhouseLives.com, thank you.

Calls (7, 43 min of 1 h 9 min)

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