Whipped Cream and Thighs

You remember Kristallnacht? Remember one of those days, man?

No, I'm American, actually.

This is American?

Yes.

You motherfucking Yankee, then fuck off. Don't call me again, okay?

I'm a Red Sox fan, not a Yankee fan, you stupid fuck.

All right, cool. That was cool.

See, it's always good to get them angry.

Who the fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

A radioactive fallout starts drifting down.

If there's no fallout shelter within range, go to the nearest large building and take shelter in the basement or one of the inner hallways.

Know in advance what to do in any emergency situation.

Find out from your local civil defense office.

I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine.

One story was raised as the tale of his life.

An astute and pundit, their sister compassionate to the cowards.

A reckless hedonist, disaffected and not content.

I spit that wonder rhyme and shit, me and my conglomerates

Y'all remain anonymous and shitless

Alright, let's do this

Hey everybody, man, I'm Carlito

I'm here, a kokanee talk is here also

Ooh, the flame effect is on, I'm trying to, uh

A lot of jokes could be made about that

I have hot sauce in the video feed today

So maybe we should keep the flame on

Not a good idea, let me remove that

Remove fire

Um, I suppose we're here to do prank calls, eh?

Let's do that

Taking a look here, we got numbers from last night that we called back

I think that's really all I have right now.

If you've got numbers, send them in.

Nunu just sent in some information for a Children of the Confederacy.

They're starting their convention today.

They've got, right now they're doing registration.

We'll call and make complaints about that.

I'm here.

I'm sorry.

I was late.

I was downstairs.

I was late, too.

But you were later.

So we'll blame it all on you.

Okay.

That's not how it's going to go down.

No, it is.

I'm going to pull up the information here for recent places that we've pranked.

We'll call it the Angry Kebab Place.

We call them every week

We pull them up here

Super they're under

You and Angry Kebab

What if you call

Some Happy Kebab

I love Angry Kebab

How about Anger

Me me

Negative negative

How about Rainbows

And Sunshine

That's no fun

I didn't pick it up

What state is the

Registering in

What state is what

Registering in

Hello

IRC

Cocon is unanswered

Cocon I don't know

What you said

You must repeat.

I was just wondering what state they were registering in.

Oh, Angry Kebab is in the UK.

Children of the Confederacy.

Oh, Children of the Confederacy.

No, I don't know.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

There's a place I always talk about that we don't want to show.

Hello, my name is Royce.

Yeah, hi.

Is this the shit food place?

Hmm?

The shit food place.

No, this is Kebab House.

Yeah, the kebab place, right?

Yeah, this is the kebab place, yeah.

Yeah, because I saw on the news, on the newspaper, the Sun.

that they uh someone got a kebab there and they found that it was feces like on the meat like it

hadn't been cleaned right and stored in the bathroom okay hey big guy how you doing how are

you i'm pretty good hey is this the place that i just saw in the newspaper that had there were

you guys were keeping the meat in the bathroom i think they found feces on the meat feces content

that i was reading in the newspaper they found this kebab place i think it was yours that they

They found feces, and feces matter.

Material like feces inside the kebabs and everything.

All right.

Uh-huh. All right what?

Well, is this that place?

If this is that place, I need...

No, it's not.

It's not?

It's not.

Is this the place with the cockroaches?

What's the place you're calling?

The place with the cockroaches and the feces and the food.

Yeah, what's the name of the kebab?

Yeah, it's just this kebab.

It was a kebab place.

They said they withheld the name for privacy reasons.

What do you mean kebab?

There's lots of kebab places here, you know?

No, but this is London.

This is England, right?

UK?

UK, yeah.

All right, so that's you.

Oh, it's me then, yeah.

Where are you calling from?

From India?

Yeah, no, from...

I'm Bengali.

You're Bengali?

Yeah, where are you calling from?

From Bangladesh?

I'm calling from the hotel.

My hotel in London.

I have a penthouse.

Hotel in London, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Okay, what do you want to know, mate?

I want to make sure that this isn't a place with the shit, you know, and the food.

Feces, shit, cockroaches, a lot of nasty stuff.

Asshole.

He knows what I'm talking about.

They were reported in the newspaper or the news or something like that

for having shit and stuffing their food.

True story.

Probably going to be cold.

I'm going to get a lot from us, for sure.

So how did that show go last night? I missed it.

Somebody let's make some scratch for a t-shirt.

You know, I'm not quite sure how the show went last night, as a matter of fact.

I don't remember much of it.

I was half asleep, I can tell you.

I was really tired, but it was actually pretty good.

We had some good calls to the UK.

okay um angry calls people got pissed off of us anyway so let's try to call this kebab place back

uh this is madhouse radio if you don't know we do prank calls on here doing live whenever the

phone decides to fucking ring which it is not right now i don't know what happened with that

that's fucking bullshit uh regardless we got the as it is like the walmart of uh the uk they're in

essex england or something of that nature oh hang on now i remember all right now we're calling the

angry kebab place back here we just had an argument with these fucks here we go this is

This is not a video, funny man.

This is live.

Stupid shit.

Hey, is this the kebab place that just hung up the phone on me?

Hey, it's the monkey guy over there hanging up the phone on me.

Well, shut your mouth, you motherfucker.

Don't call me again, okay?

Well, listen, do you have shit in your food?

Yes or no?

You were in the newspaper.

You got shit in your food.

Yeah, why don't you eat the shit then?

I'm going to put them.

Whose shit is it?

Is it yours?

Or is it from the...

You have the shit in your mouth.

Where do you keep the meat?

In the bathroom?

In the toilet?

You motherfucker.

Maybe it's that you don't wash your hands after you take a shit in the toilet.

and then you come to make food and you got shit all over your hands and it gets on the food and

that's what happened right well go learn english accent first you indian fucking i i speak fucking

american huh stupid fuck english this is american yes you motherfucker yankee then fuck off don't

call me again okay you bastard i'm a red socks fan not a yankee fan you stupid fuck all right

cool that's cool see it's always good to get them angry we finally got through to him there's like

about three that run around in that place that we usually talk to let's try them again that's

right skype's doing his fucking shit now it is july right now uh what's the date the 21st man

i gotta send my rent like six days gotta pay my rent my mortgage is due call is two cents per

minute we'll be on the air for what like another two hours or so what time is it three three we

in around 5 30 so yeah about two hours to be honest probably take a break get a sandwich in

a little bit i should tonu sending me a fucking number what's the um that's a nice number but

You got to give me a name or something.

I'm going to call.

Yo, is this that number someone sent me?

Yeah.

Yeah, what's up?

They're not going to answer there anymore.

Let's try the ASDA here.

No, I don't want to try the ASDA.

Nunu, send me some more numbers, sir, because I don't have the numbers from last week.

I don't know what happened to them.

I lost them.

Okay.

Did we talk to the Jailhouse Grill last night, I think?

Let's try to give them a call.

They're in Australia.

We're called Australia, I think.

Yeah.

I don't know what we're called.

All right, let's find out.

Might be shut down.

It might be the middle of the night there.

Maybe.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Something tells me I don't want to prank call a place where the person is telling me to ask for the watch commander.

Something tells me that's like fucking the head fucking sergeant bitch in charge.

Time to speak to the head policeman right now.

You've called the jailhouse grill.

Sorry we can't contact you.

Fuck the jailhouse grill.

We got numbers from Germany, right?

Right, last week.

Okay, we called the Acropolis Suvlakibar also, I believe.

We got into an argument over there, too.

They're up in Germany, is it?

i think they might be in australia themselves i think we called them like real late at night or

some shit what was that about i do not remember last night's show yeah they're in australia all

right it's coming through as australia this call is two cents per minute all right we'll pass on

that uh we can call nazis i got uh from three weeks ago that uh answered a few times we got

himmler gert himmler probably related to heinrich himmler there and we're in germany berlin no i do

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

I bet you do, you racist.

All right, we're calling Germany.

Somebody named Himmler.

Imagine that.

Hey, you're the one doing all the racist talk.

Don't be a bitch.

The cost of this call is...

Don't get me involved in it.

You live in a plantation that was handed down for, like, five generations to you.

Oh, you're not racist.

I mean, I am.

You got the blood of slaves running through your...

Somewhere, I bet you anything.

Former slaves.

Yeah, probably, so I could...

Yeah, is this Himmler?

I could...

Hey, what's going on, big guy?

I wonder if you had any big plans for, you know, for later on this week for the whole anniversary of all that stuff.

Huh?

You remember that now?

Huh?

You remember Kristallnacht?

Remember one of those days, man?

No, I'm American, actually.

Why do you hang up like that, asshole?

Let's call Himmler back.

I don't know what this call is, too.

Cents per minute.

Hey, Himmler, why'd you hang up the phone?

Or, I mean, maybe you're a little old and senile that you did that on accident.

Is that what happened?

Do you, like, you don't know how to use the phone anymore?

Are you that old and stupid?

Well, you hang up the phone on accident.

like you know you're having a conversation with somebody then you just hang up the phone i'm

thinking maybe you don't know how a phone works because you're supposed to talk on the phone

you have to hold it why the fuck are you breathing like that sir are you masturbating

hello sir mr himmler i really think dude's fat fucking jacking off over there

he just started shitting himself it's like oh this is so hot this is so fucking hot

Well, it is very hot.

Here, try it.

It is very, very hot.

All right.

It won't let me call back now.

This is why I have this fucking air on.

Because if I turn it off, I'm going to blow up my computers and myself.

What are you eating over there, cherries?

So I do.

Yes, cherries.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, I just know.

Dude, I'm eating cherries, too.

I just ate them all.

You have to call us, too, six per minute.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes.

Oh, dude.

They're so good.

It's cherry season, man.

Got it for like $1.69.

$1.69 a pound.

Fucking liar.

That's why no one likes you.

That German isn't going to answer.

Well, he is too, damn.

Danke schön.

Yeah.

All right, Miss Strawberry is a prostitute in Central Florida

who has had her cell phone, which she uses for her business.

She's had it hacked.

And last night we called, and the greeting, she's black,

and it's a racist song about the N-word that Tuck just loves.

Oh, no, I do remember that.

Tuck just loves this song.

Why? Google Voice just took a shit.

Oh, man.

Literally, it did.

It didn't let me.

All right, so I'll have to call from somewhere else.

excuse me

we got garden of india restaurant coming up people who work there beat up an ex-employee

what t-shirt business what are you talking about

it's cool at least someone's doing it but that's your art

i think they should put down that um artwork by that's my point here

Yeah, you got to put down Art Byte Talk.

I don't care about my name being on it as much as the percentage you want to get.

Yeah, that's right.

Talk guy deserves a cut of that.

That's what it's selling.

That's right.

I forgot who that was.

Who is it?

He's pushing them shirts.

I'm trying to remember.

He pushes stickers and shirts or something of that nature.

I'll send you a link in the sky.

Last night we were prank calling someone and they actually said telephone machine, I think, too.

I remember that.

We're going to call this...

Send us a link in the sky.

We're calling an Asian, an Indian restaurant that fucking beat up one of their ex-employees.

They're in York, England.

It's not available for call return.

Goodbye.

I didn't try to call return it, you stupid cunt.

Shut you down.

Yeah, I need it in a different format.

You ain't getting no play from her.

I got it now.

I got it.

I forgot the country code is all.

That's all.

Take it easy, kids.

Take it easy, baby.

That should work.

This call is two cents per minute.

All right.

Garden of India restaurant beat up their former colleague over there, according to an article

in the New York Press.

I've got a link to it, too.

I'll share it with all of you.

Hello?

Is this the Indian restaurant?

Sorry?

Is this the Indian restaurant?

Indian restaurant is the next place.

Uh-huh.

And what's your status over there?

What do you do?

What do we do?

No, what do you do?

What's your status?

My status?

Uh-huh.

Coffee boy.

My status is coffee boy.

Really?

Are you a citizen?

Sorry?

Are you a citizen?

Do you have papers?

Who are you?

This is Valente.

Do you have papers?

Sorry?

Do you have papers?

You what?

No, your papers.

Do you have papers?

What papers?

Papers that say you could be working over here.

Where are your papers?

Are they in order?

I want copies of your papers.

Who are you?

This is Valente.

I heard you got a lot of tough guys over there.

Tough fucking guys, right?

You're a tough guy.

Yeah, we're very scared of you.

Yeah?

Well, tell you what.

I'm going to bend you.

I'm going to bend you by the thorax into a pretzel.

Right.

You are, right?

Yeah.

How many fathers do you have?

20.

Yeah?

You have 20 fathers because your mother's a whore, right?

Yeah.

Hey, put me down for this order.

I want to order a Banchu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you Banchu.

Yeah.

Listen, I go down there and I hear that you hurt someone again, a member of my family, by marriage.

We are very scared of you.

I'm going to come in there.

I'm telling you.

Oh, yeah, we're very scared of you.

I'm going to turn off all your lights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Knock all your fucking shit down, stupid shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're very scared of you.

Does it upset you that you're a different kind of person?

Yeah, yeah.

You're starting to piss me off from letting you go.

Bye.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had my finger on a button when he started doing that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She loves you, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to have sex with that song tonight.

Good point, Tuck.

Write that down.

For a love like that, you know you can't be bad.

Have a love like that.

Now, who wrote that song?

You know you should be.

That's a Paul McCartney song, right?

That was Led Zeppelin.

That was Led Zeppelin?

No.

Who wrote that song?

I think that wasn't a John Lennon.

I think who wrote it and then Led Zeppelin played it.

Yeah, okay, right.

Let's call that guy back.

Fuckers.

I want to go back into a fucking yeah, yeah, yeah fight with that stupid guy.

Anyway, we got another number here.

Yes, no, maybe?

No.

Fuck.

You guys are really being slow.

Anyway, so the guy you used to talk to, or were trying to talk to over there,

apparently they beat up one of their former co-workers there.

I guess they got into an argument, something about he left a place to get another job

that paid better wages, and it just went on from there.

We're going to call the Isle Belal restaurant.

We've been prank calling this place.

place for like three fucking years now we've been prank calling the all below here off and on

the heat the heat makes you crazy the heat doesn't make you crazy like curry guess your brain you go

crazy you start fucking killing the cost of this call is seven cents per minute fuck that's the

problem with the live prank calls we got another one here that beat up customers the sizzling spice

they're in england also uh new news try to share that article with everybody uh post it in the

the chat so people know what we're prank calling here i'll read it also in a second if i can paste

the fucking shit so when they started was asking yo i'm here and so yes i'm here yeah we're here

you can hear me in the uh thing yes yes we're here yeah well yeah that's tucker mike is not

available for call return goodbye there we go try it now add an extra plus in there what a bitch

cost of this call is two cents per minute she is cute though oh yeah the google voice brought yeah

Hey, what's going on?

This is the Sizzly Spice.

Yes, sir.

Listen, I'm going to come down there for a meal with my daughter,

but you put your hands on my daughter and you mess with my daughter,

the consequences are never going to be the same.

You understand?

What happened, sir?

I'm coming down there to eat a meal and get some food with my little daughter.

She's 11 years old.

But if you dare put a finger on my daughter, you mess with my daughter,

the consequences will never be the fucking same.

You understand?

Just fucking hang on.

Come on.

Nothing sticks today.

Fucker.

Call him back.

This call is two cents per minute.

The manager got into a fight with a patron over here,

Hossain 34 and Maya 32.

Denied one count of assaulting,

occasioning actual bodily harm.

Yes, hi, may I speak with Hossain, please?

Our manager is not here at the moment.

Can you call the clitor?

What is your name?

Our manager is not here.

We are just commuters.

Well, then how many sisters do you have?

Or fathers, even?

Someone sent in a number for a carpet salesman?

maybe we can give that a number uh give that number a call here um well yeah we've got a huge

lack of uh numbers here to prank call today we get that number here for uh someone who's going

to be attending that conference today for the children of the confederacy we prank called them

about two years ago and then called the hotel staff and informed that one of them was in the

pool and took a shit that was fun and noticing that skype's having a problem lately we're releasing

the calls after they hang up doesn't do it all the time well she's probably on a plane right now

Well, they started the registration today.

That was the whole point.

Right now, I think they started their presentation.

They're at a Holiday Inn in Decatur, Georgia.

So if you want to help us and find out that call, let us know.

Or find out the number that we can call.

JRAD's giving a number for the Vista Grill in Nevada.

All right, let's try to give them a call then.

Is JRAD, is he like one of these 16-year-old kids or something?

Yeah, he's one of the white boys that listens to the show.

You know, little white boys.

Ah, that makes a lot of sense.

He's the one who did the t-shirt thing, apparently.

Someone's sending a number for the Federation of American Ballet.

I'll check that out.

Thank you for calling the Mr. Bell.

This is Chelsea speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Chelsea.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

I'm good.

Listen, I came in and I left my food, right, you know, to go food,

and I went to the bathroom, and this guy was talking to me.

We were hanging out.

You know, he said he works there, and I said, well, I've got to go to the bathroom.

He said he was going to watch my food, my leftovers.

leftovers and i went to the bathroom and i came back and my leftovers are gone and i think he took

them okay i left today uh right my wife left her purse he said he was going to watch it that he

worked there and he and he left with the purse he left with my uh my wallet he left with a handful

of change that was on the table and luckily thank god thanks god that my car keys were in my little

little diabetes kit that i carry with me and that was under the table because i gave myself an

injection in the bathroom so luckily he didn't stop to see that now who is this employee you

have over there that did that that took my stuff with them he identified himself that he worked

there with you was what was he wearing he was wearing a white shirt had a like a collar kind of

and black pants and he was carrying around an apron okay when was this this is yesterday and

And I called in yesterday, and they refused to take my information there.

And they said that I had to call today during business hours to get it taken care of.

Okay, hold on one moment. Let me see.

Let me know if I've got to terminate this fucking call.

Can I take your name and number down and just have the owner call you back?

The owner's not there?

No.

When is the owner back?

Well, he usually gets here around 4.30 to 5 on Wednesdays.

is there a reason why i can't speak who is there a man i can speak to right now that's there

a man yeah i'd rather speak to a man um no there's not so it's just women running the

place right now yes you think maybe that's what the problem is here what

else i do with that stupid bitch okay

anyway let me terminate that call over here that wasn't worth the fucking hole that we had to go

through you know fucking tuck it wasn't worth it that's not it none of it none of it's worth it

none of it's worth it escalation jugs veronica how can i help you how are you doing there big

Hey, big girl.

Um, good?

That's good.

You all right?

You stopped there for a little bit.

You all right?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Who is this?

That's cool.

Hey, do you guys got whipped cream over there?

Um, yes, we do.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

Cross, okay.

No, I'm Cross.

Yes, we do have whipped cream.

Are you looking for it in a can, or are you looking for it in the tub, or are you looking

for the actual heavy whipping cream itself?

No, like the can.

Yes, we do.

Like the ready whip?

Yeah, like the kind you can put on someone's thigh, yeah.

Yes.

Yes, we do have that.

You got that kind?

Uh-huh.

You got any thighs around there?

Um, this is.

This is Cross.

Who is Cross?

That's me.

I'm calling you.

For whipped cream and thighs.

How are your thighs?

Is this a joke?

No, no, no.

How are your thighs?

Tell me how are thighs.

How are they?

Delightful things.

Yeah?

You got like a light complexion or you got olive skin or what do they look like?

Really?

Yeah, tell me.

Really?

I want to know.

No.

Come on.

okay well we saw what you're looking for yeah you got thighs then right um i don't think they're

for sale sorry come on come on give me some thighs i want whipped cream your thighs and i'll get you

some diamond you like you like diamond you like jewelry oh my god you like jewelry i'll buy you

some jewelry i'm telling you sorry off the market oh come on really what's he paying you i'm married

So?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm married.

No, no, no.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, really.

Come on.

How long have you been married for?

Is this happily married or just married?

Yeah, six years.

That's not too happy.

You know what they say about the sixth year, right?

No, it's the seven-year itch, not six years.

No, it's six years now.

It was seven years.

Now it's down to six.

Hold on a second.

Did you possibly want to talk to the manager about that?

No, no.

I mean, is the manager a lady?

No, it's not a lady.

All right, put him on then.

Maybe he'll give me an assessment of you.

Okay, just a moment.

All right.

Hey, Ron, can I help you?

Hey, what's going on, big guy?

Nothing.

What's going on with you?

Hey, listen, is that lady over there, is she really married or did she just say that?

Who's this?

Huh?

Who's this?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Who's Cross?

That's me, the guy that's calling you.

You're not the husband, are you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know her husband, the guy, the chick that I was just talking to?

Yeah.

Well?

Well, what do you want?

Well, is she married?

she's really married like she said yeah she was just flirting with him on the phone i was putting

the okay is there something is there something i can help you with have you ever seen her husband

before why well just to size him up you tell me if he looks like a tough guy or something

what does that matter i'm gonna go see you later because i'm making a move

i was hoping to find out if you guys if you guys carry like car tires what do you think

that actually what the fuck do you think for walmart of course we have that's in our online

section did you just say what the fuck do i think yeah what's your name we have a whole automotive

section here we do like oil changes and everything okay well guess the fuck what someone who just

answered the phone told me that you guys don't have a fucking tire center there that's why they

transfer me to you asshole you don't need to curse at me you know what you i you work there i'm a

customer you don't fucking cuss on the phone you haven't bought anything yet you're not a customer

you know what i'll be there in five minutes and i'm sure i will see you and then you i will talk

to your manager what are you gonna do get me fired what time do you guys close we don't close

we're 24 hours okay asshole i'll see you there in five minutes love you fuck you this electronics

can i help you yes i was wondering if that movie wanted came out yet you know i know we don't have

that you don't so evidently didn't come out yet then right no no i guess not okay you guess not

you don't know um it sounds like a great way to find out it sounds like a pretty gay movie anyway

way. So, you know, why do you want to see it? It sounds like a gay movie. Why would

I want to see it? Who in the hell are you? I'm someone that has better taste in movies

than you do. You're someone that has better taste in movies than I do? No, hold on. What's

your fucking name, man? My name's Roy. Well, I'm going to be down there and talk to your

supervisor. I'm going to talk to David. No, you won't. That's bullshit. Anyone that watches

that movie, it can't beat anyone's ass. Excuse me? Anyone that watches a gay movie

like that can't beat anyone's ass anybody that watches that movie can't beat his roy yeah hey

what yeah is that tim yeah big tim hey buddy say there you know not bad say so that thing that you

saw had beautiful hair right what about that you had big beautiful blonde hair who the thing that

you done saw out in the backyard but you saw i had beautiful hair hey man um i came i was hiking

right yeah on mount blackstone and it done come up behind me and it had this beautiful long hair

did it smell too like it smelled bad and it had these boobies and it raped me and everything

where you at now huh i'm gonna take you i i used to live in brunswick georgia but now i live in

vegas where did you have your encounter at just outside of brunswick mount blackstone hiking on

on the mount blackstone trail where's that at it's up right near the border between uh georgia

and the carolinas okay right about there and it did it came up behind me it was crouching behind

a rock and it came up behind me and it attacked me and it hit me with a stone on top of the head

and then it had and then it had its way with me yeah it was a big foot that happened did you see

the big foot go after you like that like it wanted to fuck you at all because that happened it took

It took me. It took the life out of me almost.

I'm sorry for you, but I don't want to talk about this no more.

I'll see you. Goodbye.

That is what happened. Did he touch you?

I think Bigfoot touched him.

That is the guy that saw the Bigfoot in his yard, or so he says in the news.

He seemed pretty... I got a feeling maybe he did get a little touched.

He got touched by the Bigfoot.

You heard him? Get close to home.

Beanbag chairs.

Definitely not.

We have video game chairs.

That's all right. Don't get that out of me.

Vacuum cleaners.

Nope.

Tupperware containers.

It's dead, dead, dead.

Restroom utensils.

Toilet cleaners.

I'm going around with a dog.

That's disgusting.

Wow.

The phone won't reach all the way over there.

It's pretty much on the other side of the store, so it'd be impossible for me to walk the receiver over.

That was a pretty decent call.

Thanks, MST3 Clay sent that, right?

Yep.

MST3 Clay.

Do you want to store myself?

That would be the smart thing to do.

All right.

Since, you know, I don't work in sporting goods, I don't know why you called my department.

All right.

How, of course.

Because I'm in the housewares.

All right, great.

Thank you.

Have a good day.

Can I help you?

Yes, I just need to know how late your store is open.

What the hell do you think?

Your Walmart.

I don't know.

My Walmart closes at midnight.

Well, your Walmart's fucking stupid.

We're an awesome Walmart.

We're 24 hours here.

I'm going to have to answer the phone.

I need to get some better language.

Hey, fuck you.

Don't tell me how to talk.

What the fuck is that?

Walmart, can I help you?

The Walmart store?

That's right.

To whom am I speaking?

Who are you?

Young man, I'm on my way out there, and I'm going to find out who's answering calls.

Young man.

That language is not going to be tolerated.

I'm going to have your job, and you might have an ass with it, all right?

So make your move now, because I'm on my way.

I don't care.

Come on up.

Fuck you.

I'll see you there in ten minutes.

You got a first name?

My name's...

I'm on my way.

I'm asking for the manager, and then you.

Okay.

Love you.

Yeah, hey there, big girl.

How you doing?

Hey, good.

Hey, I want to see the doctor, Jemsa James Doe.

Okay.

See Doe.

Okay.

When do you want to come in?

Does he look at ingrown toenails?

Maybe, but he doesn't, like, do surgery on them.

What could he do for it?

Could he poke it a little bit, you know, with a scalpel?

Let me ask him.

Have you been here in the past?

No, man, I've never been to the doctor.

I haven't been to the doctor since I was, like, 21.

Okay, do you have insurance that you owe?

No, I got money.

Okay, hang on just a second.

I got cash money.

I got cash money, so I have a lot of cash.

It's good.

Okay, so let me hang on, okay?

I can budget, like, $4,000.

Okay.

Let me get them on.

Okay, please hold.

That's cool.

All right.

Oh, she's like, judging.

They'd rather have insurance because it's guaranteed to lose some of the money.

Was I talking to you about the foot?

The toenail.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, doctor said that he'd be happy to look at you here, but he won't be able to take

the toenail out.

So, he gave me a name and a number of a foot doctor that you can call.

Uh-huh.

Do you have a pen?

Sure.

Okay.

His name is Joseph.

Last name is...

Okay?

All right, then.

Okay.

Well, thank you for nothing.

Okay, you're welcome.

Bye.

I've got to figure out the area code, though.

Who sent that in?

This kid over here.

All right, it's that area code.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Yeah, hello.

Is this Dr.

No, I think you're looking for 9559.

You called 9599.

Oh, this happens a lot?

No, not a lot, but enough so that I was like, wait a second, I wonder who this is.

So, 9559.

All right, big girl.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

That's nice of her.

I think everyone knows the phone number now.

Good afternoon, Dr. K's office.

Hey, is this Dr. K's office?

Yes, it is.

Yeah, this is Boris Teeter.

Okay.

It's got an ingrown toenail on it.

I want the doctor to take a scalpel to it.

Have you been seen here before?

No, I've never been seen here before.

I haven't been to the doctor since I was 20.

I'm 31.

I've got a budget of $6,000

I have no insurance

You know what, I don't have anything

Okay, sweetie, look

I've got a budget of $10,000

Okay, I just don't have anything

I don't have anything

I can give you a phone number though

of another doctor that potentially would have an opening

I'll give you $8,000 up front right now

Well, first, I don't have a doctor here today at all

Can you call the doctor and tell him that I'll give you guys $8,000 up front

and $13,000 total if you get me on for this week at some point?

You know what?

He's in surgery.

I can't even call him.

He's a surgeon also, and he's not even here.

Well, after hours or something.

I got cash money.

Okay.

I can see if I can get a hold of him, but like I said, we have zero openings.

It just happens to be that time of year.

Do you like ice cream?

I'll get ice cream for the staff.

I'll get jewelry from you.

Do you like earrings?

You know, what's the number?

And I'll see if I can get a hold of him.

Is there a number that I can reach the doctor at at all?

No, uh-uh.

Oh, really?

No, uh-uh.

Oh, sweetie, come kill me.

All right, you ready for the number?

Uh-huh.

Okay, if I get a hold of him, and I'll see if we can finagle the schedule, okay?

That would be much appreciated, sweetie.

Uh-huh.

Sure, you're welcome.

Bye.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

Do you tell the doctor if he scratches my back, I'll scratch yours, and I do mean yours.

All right?

I'll see what I can do.

All right, sweetie, babe.

All right, bye-bye.

Thanks.

Doesn't anybody know how to take a bribe anymore?

I thought that's how it worked.

Okay, we got someone that got in trouble for having a lot of snakes, apparently, in Idaho.

Ooh, I got too many snakes.

Oz has too many snakes.

Too many snakes in my place.

Ooh, Lord, I got too many snakes.

message after the tone fuck your tone no answer from the snake man although i had a good idea for

that we got a prank call we did here recently about a serpitarium i was listening to it the

other night it's pretty good pretty funny if i don't say so myself oh serpitarium i was gonna

open a serpitarium in uh ireland i think or something because all the snakes have been

you know what you could do that prank just to some other random number true all right let's

Let's play some stuff.

I'm going to play some more

of these Warwick homes.

I'm going to gather some numbers

and I'll be right back.

I need a prescription refill on my medication.

We don't refill prescriptions in toys, ma'am.

I know. I asked for the pharmacy.

I don't know why he transferred me to toys.

It was really dumb of you to call

toys and ask for a refill

on your prescription.

Well, you don't need to get mad at me.

It's not my fault you dialed the wrong number.

Why did you transfer me to the pharmacy

like I asked to wait?

it's not my fault you don't know how to dial a phone i don't really yeah i'm looking at the chat

it's it's not that i care that oh you're putting the numbers in the chat room the only thing is

what happens is when you do that if i don't get to it for a while um usually a lot of uh a lot

other white boys like to call it first and then we call it and they're they're not going to pick

up they're gonna be like oh they already got two or three people prank calling them so that's we

try to i'll sometimes if it's funny i'll release the number in the chat myself i just we just ask

you don't make it so that everyone sees it because there's always a chance that i'll miss it and

someone will call it first and when i try to call in it's not going to be funny because they've

already been pranked you know they've been pranked so fucking they're not going to pick up or the

phone's going to be busy because they're getting pranked or they took the phone off the hook it

just sucks it makes for bad radio that's all that's the only real reason we got to push that

rule and i don't care if you get the numbers out for people's professionalism we just do that for

for the show it's not like some big we don't do the show sucks we learned that early on because

we used to do that all the time i remember when we first started the show but and we get that we

had a lot of plans where we'd spend like maybe a whole half hour trying to call and they're really

really quick or they wouldn't even pick up and then i was thinking i said obviously that's what's

going on that's not the kitty k started that real back in the day actually i think he was like him

and ted were the ones that figured that out as a matter of fact let me know figure that out

You gotta give it to him

He figured that out

Not long ago

Yeah

KDK

He's the originator

You know we're just copying him

That's all we do here

He's the

He's the king of all pranks

Copy copy copy copy

The king of

The king of pranks

We're the carbon

We're the carbon show

The carbon

The carbon copy show

Alright

More Walmart pranks

I gotta go refill my water

Over here

And we'll do a few more pranks here

And do about another

45 minutes of show

I suppose

If we get some numbers

I don't know

Here's a magic message.

Pet Food Express coming in from Sean.

All right, we'll do that next after I go get some water and take a leak.

Housewares, can I help you?

Okay, you know what?

I just called last time and the guy transferred me to the toys.

I don't know who you have after a customer service transferring people,

but he sure as fuck does not know how to transfer people.

I asked him to transfer me to the pharmacy twice.

Not housewares, not toys.

Can you please transfer me to the pharmacy?

Well, you dialed the wrong number.

This is housewares.

Well, I didn't dial a number.

I was transferred.

Well, you transferred to the wrong place.

Can I have...

Yeah, well, you need to figure out someone who knows how to fucking transfer people.

Because I'm not the one dialing the numbers.

I'm not the second person that told me I don't know how to dial a number.

I dial this phone number every single day and they transfer me correctly.

Whoever's up there transferring people needs a new job.

Well, would you like me to help you buy a vacuum cleaner?

No.

Would you like to transfer me to a fucking pharmacy before I come in there and blow up your fucking store?

Well, we only sell...

I need my medication!

Well, it sounds like you do.

God damn.

Because I just sell vacuum cleaners.

You want a vacuum cleaner?

Hello, this is the pharmacy.

Can I help you?

Hey, um, I need to get a prescription tilt.

Okay.

What's the name?

All right.

Do you know what a prescription is?

What is it?

It's a bunch of Percocet, right?

Hello?

Hello.

Um, yeah, it's for prenatal vitamins.

Oh, no, it shows here Percocet.

No, I don't have Percocet.

Did you type in...

Yeah, that's the name on it.

It says 500 Percocets.

I don't have Percocets.

Well, come on, man.

If you sell these, you can make a lot of money.

You may as well just pick them up and, you know, sell them to people.

Sorry, what did you say?

It's worth a lot of money.

Do you get this on your insurance?

Yeah, I probably do.

Oh, well, there you go.

Come on.

It must be some sort of an error in the computer.

So if you pick these up, you can sell these Percocets.

I don't know how much they go for street value, but, you know, you can make some cash.

I don't know how much they go for.

I sell pills.

I don't know how much they go for.

You sell pills?

What's your name again?

Yeah.

I used to sell pills in California, yes.

How much are Percocet worth?

Maybe we could work out a deal here.

It shows here 500 Percocet in the computer.

Okay, well, can you just have that prescription filled by tomorrow, please?

You don't care what you get?

Nope, I sure don't.

Okay.

Yeah, it'll be ready by 10 a.m.

All right, thank you.

Sure.

That's funny.

Okay, everybody, let's continue on with some more prank calls.

Do we have any more numbers?

The Depot Diner from Nunu.

new how about the number eight the number eight yeah let's call it let's call it let's call it

kokanee where'd you send in your number there's a tough guy email uh google machine where'd you do

oh google let's see here you sent one for seth bring him and what does she do bring him i did

your first one um the rattlesnakes what happened with that no one answered yeah i went to voicemail

i think that's the only one i've gotten kokanee have you sent me more numbers in one let me know

You should have a second one.

I see information, but no number.

I sent you the last number that I got.

That was the forward number for a doctor that someone else gave me.

Oh, yeah, J-Rad's been giving numbers here.

He's sending you numbers for 50 cent low, Will.

That's okay.

I don't know that I'm going to call that.

We got a resort and casino in Reno.

Let's try that.

His numbers have been sticking pretty well today.

And they need to send the depot diner first, though.

Let's do that.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-pow.

Yeah, depot diner, eh?

Yes.

Did my wife leave a white bag over there near the counters?

A white bag?

Yeah.

Oh.

Like one of the, she, she, she left it on the countertop or on the chair?

How long ago?

Oh, shoot.

Not that long ago.

A few, maybe like 20 minutes, 15, 20 minutes.

I lost my dad.

Okay.

Dad, did anybody leave a white bag?

No, he said nobody was here earlier.

I just got here like 15 minutes ago.

Nobody was here.

Hang on.

Because my wife, she's looking inside right now, but we know she paid with her card.

She paid with her money, or I don't know what she paid with, but it was out of her purse.

She says the wife, she thinks she left it, like, in front of the table, like, on top of the chairs where she's...

What?

Where?

On top of the where?

Where?

Hang on, she's telling me.

Where?

She said on one of the stools at the counter.

On one of the stools at the counter.

The only bag that's on the stools is my bag.

Oh, she's, hang on.

She bought a ticket here?

Yeah, she did.

Maybe it's in one of the tables over there then.

I don't understand.

Did somebody buy a ticket here earlier, Dad?

What kind of ticket did she buy?

What kind of ticket?

I think she had like a dessert.

Did somebody buy a dessert here earlier?

What kind of dessert?

I don't know.

I wasn't there.

I just came to pick her up now.

She was in a wheelchair.

Weren't you just talking to her?

You can ask her so we can identify who she was.

She's upstairs right now.

She's looking for the bag.

As a matter of fact...

Nobody here looking for anything.

She's in the garage.

There's a gentleman here.

You sure that gentleman didn't take anything?

Does he have...

Is he sitting on something?

No.

All right.

Thank you.

All right, then.

It's her bag.

Shit.

Had it not been her bag,

we're gonna watch it on the webcam.

I didn't wanna be like,

that's my bag,

because that's gonna be like,

what the fuck?

Want that bag.

Tuck and Maven,

you're gonna do a show together?

That's hot.

Hell yeah, I wanna hear that.

Fuck yeah.

I wanna hear Maven.

Maven has a really good black girl voice.

Tuck, that'd be a good idea.

Look, she's...

She's up on the webcam.

Exactly.

Yeah, she can do all kinds of shit.

She's so stupid, she's on the webcam.

We've got to get her onto Skype or G-Talk.

We've got to hook her up on the audio.

She's on the webcam, and she's eating her dessert.

Open call.

I need a co-host.

She's so dense that she's sitting and eating her dessert with her white bag

and not realizing we were talking about her on the webcam.

She's eating her dessert right now.

There's that dude.

There's a dude, a white dude back there.

What, Maven?

No, the Depot Diner webcam.

Maven should do a show.

That would be awesome.

We're back to that again?

I'm watching the video.

The lady we just prank called.

It's her bag.

She sat down with the bag to her back, and she's eating a dessert,

and she didn't realize we were talking about her shit.

This is the Depot Diner where the guy takes the phone into the trash.

Yeah, what's his name, Ernie?

He's not there right now.

A little guy touches the head, goes and actually puts the phone in the trash.

Yeah, we got him to do that.

He put the phone in the trash and ran away.

Because I think somebody saw him do it from the back of the counter,

and they chased him off.

I remember because they took it.

I think we called him the next week.

It's like, oh, he's not allowed to have the phone anymore.

Well, they took the phone out of the trash,

and the guy looked right at the webcam.

on purpose. Like, he said, I know

someone over there made him do it.

He's like a regular. He comes in every morning.

I guess it's too late. He used to call in the

morning and Ernie would be there. He's kind of,

like, hey, is this Jose?

Like, yeah, yeah. Hey, Jose.

Yeah, we were doing

afternoon shows for a while.

Yeah. I mean,

this is bad. I mean, we're doing an

afternoon show now, but remember

we were doing a nighttime show

and then somewhere in the middle of the week

we would do an afternoon show.

Like we're doing now

We were doing two shows at a time

Trying to see if I can find a Depot

Maybe Depot Diner

I got that prank somewhere

Searching, I can't find it

I thought it would be phone in the trash

Phone, trash, it doesn't come up

That sucks, oh well

Ernie or

I could have sworn it was phone in the trash

I probably went into the trash

Get it, went into the trash

I don't actually get it

That's really weird, I can't find it

Here we go.

Train Depot Cafe.

The Depot Diner.

Hi, can I speak to my dad?

He said he was going to be in there tonight.

I can't make it, and my cell phone is not able to reach his.

Yeah, that's it.

This is it.

All right, let's skip forward.

Do you see the trash can over there?

Yeah.

What's the...

Yeah, do you see it there?

Yeah.

Can you go ahead and put the phone inside that, please?

Yeah, do you see it there?

All right.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Can you go ahead and put the phone inside that, please?

Oh, okay.

All right, go ahead and just put it there, and don't turn it off.

Just put it inside there, okay?

Okay, okay.

All right, thank you.

He's doing it.

Look, he put it in the trash can.

Put it in the fucking trash can.

Oh, man, I wish we could have captured the webcam.

He actually took the phone and put it in the trash can at the counter.

That's a phone machine in a trash machine, and I think that's a show,

because I've got to help my wife just text me.

She needs to help with the fucking groceries she just texted me.

show over

madhouselife.com

and

tuckermike.com

cactaradio.com

thank you we'll be back next week

what the fuck is that guy

Calls (16, 37 min of 1 h 1 min)

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