House Negroes and Field Negroes

After I ate the six pieces, how long until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

That's up to you.

You check your digestive system, okay?

No.

I can't.

Good for you.

Bye.

Go on.

Who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

The Madhouse Podcast.

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Here I am. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Carlito, host for tonight's show.

Tuck is making an attempt to show up here as early as soon as possible.

Hopefully, possibly he'll make it.

uh we lost our team speaks here for the man that milkman had been paying for

milkman's just very busy a lot of people have been asking me offline hey what's up with milkman

we haven't heard him on the podcast we haven't heard a podcast but we haven't heard him on the

live shows seeing him around etc etc he's working a lot man but he's making a lot of money doing it

and uh haven't been able to catch him when we do a show when we're getting ready to do a show

he's all right don't you worry about your old pal milkman he'll be on here when he can

but uh you know that uh that uh that option there kind of just went out so in the meantime

it seems to be sure that he's been paying for that we use for tuck to connect and him to connect

and in the past other people like ted and uh kokanee and all them uh it's uh it's uh i think

it was like a six month lease that we uh he offered to pay for for it and that's that's gone

so i think we might be able to go back to the um old server we used to use belong to ted web i'm

I'm going to go ahead and see if I can set that up here on the fly.

Hopefully, we can get Ted on.

Not Ted.

What's his name?

Tuck.

Is that his name?

Worst case scenario, we could connect you, Tuck, on Skype if you're listening.

We could connect you on Skype, but the problem with that is going to be, unfortunately, you're

not going to hear music or call.

Well, you will have callers, but you're not going to hear the rest of the show or anyone

else talking if we do go with that option.

Tuck, do you hear me now?

We shouldn't be in the main lobby, though, Tuck.

We've got to find another room to do this in.

Oh, what's his name?

Hey, old what's your hoe?

Uh, is the Madhouse, uh, one dead? Is it gone?

I think he might have purged it by now, right?

Yeah, it's probably purged by now.

It's, this, uh, server is so big and huge,

I wouldn't even begin to start looking for where it might even be.

Well, where can we go?

Can we pick a random one? Can you make one?

We gotta go through Ted to make one, probably.

We need permissions, right?

I don't think we have all of them.

Yeah, probably, yeah, exactly.

I say use the main lobby, and whenever a little 12-year-old kid comes in,

we just fuck with him.

Yeah, and if it comes to problem, then we'll just...

I don't know.

We'll choose a random room to go into, and then we'll go in there if it's a worst-case scenario.

Okay.

Yeah, that's not locked or something.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, everybody, we'll...

I bet most of these are passwords.

I'll look around.

Yeah, look around.

Look around while you got time for an open one there where you can squat in until I get a hold of Ted by email.

He responds to email whenever, so...

Anyway, I think there's other free Teenspeak places we can go to.

House Negroes and Field Negroes here in the mouth tonight.

Anyway, let's turn the game down.

There we go.

That's a little better.

All right, everybody.

Well, good evening.

If you got your prank call request number, send them in.

MSN Messenger is madhouseatlive.com.

Yahoo and AOL Messenger, AIM, as some call it.

That would be Madhouse Radio.

Send in your request to me.

I will take care of them for you.

Don't worry about that.

If you want to reach us here on the telephone,

phone i might be setting up the conference line again i think that was great i think

all right tuck go ahead tuck's gonna work on that but that kind of worked out the last show

we set up a conference line uh for about an hour and i think that might be what we do now for

people there's so many people ask people like i want to call in i want to call in i want to call

in uh so i set one up and zolar called in evil already was on for a little while there

wow a whole bunch of people um a few white boys are on there stuff and such um we're also on our

you stream you want to check that out for whatever reason i just leave us in some video feed the i

don't feel like wearing pants tonight because it's hot and i don't want to put you people through

what looking at me without pants on so i have the camera pointed outside to the parking lot

out to the major street here in orlando you can see what's going on out there it's been a rainy

day you might get a lightning show in a little bit here hopefully the power doesn't go out internet

stays up because we're gonna have their line of thunderstorms here in about an hour according

according to the Satellite Center over there.

Keep an eye on that.

We had some good pranks last week,

and unfortunately, I just can't...

I've got to get time to edit podcasts,

but we did add one last week to the stream,

last weekend,

Time for Fuck.

That was when we did a lot...

Tuck and I were together doing a show,

and I did a lot of calls to a gay chat line,

I think we had some of that shit.

That was a bunch of stuff, I don't know.

Got another one that I started editing today,

but I didn't have a chance to finish it.

hopefully by tomorrow i'll have a chance to and that'll update also and whatever that's that's

old shows all right old shows the people checking in the chat room can wasted herbal bacon herbal

bacon nice that reminds me dude i was the other day i was at a head shop and they had uh papers

there different flavored papers like they always do you know got your grape and banana and you know

all those urban ethnic kind of flavors and they had a bacon flavored one i was like ew man really

You want to smoke pot in a joint that tastes like bacon?

What's up with that?

That would kind of make me sick, I think.

I don't want that mess.

Well, you've got to think about it.

Maybe it masks the scent.

So it smells like maybe you're just frying bacon and you don't smell like you were smoking pot.

Maybe that's why you do it.

Maybe that way cops will think you're one of them.

You know, the old joke.

I just dropped something.

Fuck.

Drugs.

You do drugs in a bathroom, in a movie theater, everybody.

Cocaine, PCP, and ice, and all that stuff all together.

I call it a max ball.

I put it in a balloon in my ass.

halfway through the movie, I go to the bathroom

and get real fucked up.

Then I choke myself for a while and I get

hyperventilated a little bit.

It's crazy, man.

Now I'm disconnecting the cable for the music.

Jesus Christ, what a day.

I got an offer here from

a local podcasting group.

They've got a nice studio. They said it'd be

if I wanted to go in with them on

some upgrades or maybe

just like a monthly help out fee or help out here

and there with some stuff.

They might be willing to have Madhouse broadcast

broadcast live from there and they've got a whole nice setup a bunch of boards and computers and

flashy things and shit um really nice equipment so i'm thinking i might do that the only the only

thing is it's nice now because when i want to do a show um i don't have to drive out to their place

to do the show i could just fucking i'm just here you know what i mean i just uh just drive i wake

up i'm looking i'm doing i can't do a show in my boxers over there and uh that studio i can't do

that it's not it's not it's frowned upon i'm sure i sure they don't want me to do that i'm just

just noticing that that the wrong microphone is on so you people haven't heard any music at all

fuck me and yes fuck me and the ass with a stick you didn't hear the intro nothing wow what a piece

of shit well you you missed uh hella great music and uh intro and a malcolm x thing you missed all

of that that keeps happening tuck i don't know why tuck are you back yet are you still working on

funding a chat room or something you said you're going to be back in a second or 12 and it's way

past 12 seconds here fucker you already got negative one gold star i'm going to give a call

to the do drop in um i might be i've got these queued up here don't have it edited but i've got

it time marked i might be able to jump through the file and play back uh these calls from last

week i think we did a show last wednesday evening and uh several calls to what nunu's been calling

the new um the new long dong from back in the kdk when we were friends with kdk still when we

still had the alliance the pcu alliance was still open um before it was broken by dr lego um it was

This crazy angry Asian guy

And we called this place

Do Drop In

Guy sounded just like him

Let's give a call there

Whatever happened along the dong

Someone asked me recently

I just

I think the guy died

To be honest with you

I'm not fucking around

I think I remember

Once vaguely hearing

KDK calling

And someone said

No no he died

He's not here anymore

New news

Go to the place

That said their logo

That they have outside their building

Looks a lot like

The Pepsi logo

What time is it in Honoruru

It should be open still

It's like 645

God damn it

He was looking as was I

He was looking as was I on Google Street View.

God, that place is everywhere now.

I was surprised when I went in the other day.

I didn't go on to the other day.

Here's what I did, and it kind of freaked me out, Tuck.

I've got a Google Android phone, and I took my TomTom GPS, which cost me, I think, well, I got it for Athena for her birthday once or for Christmas.

It cost $150.

You're showing off.

Shut up.

It cost $150 to buy this thing as a gift.

you know i've worked you know we had it for a good year year and a half it did its thing but

lately it doesn't update as quick and it's slow and i used to be able to connect the shit to your

computer and update the maps right you know when roads change and all this shit and it gets faster

and now it's like you must uh you must pay 50 for another year of updates i'm like fuck you

i got an android phone it's got google maps with navigation on it which is talk i'm telling you

it is better than tom tom garmin all those it's equal or better um than than all it's is you know

you don't i know you don't have you have no need for gps where you live because you have like one

major road with one red light at it probably one stoplight and three uh stop signs actually you do

you're trying to direct people to where i live yeah when you meet them on craigslist right right

Yeah, okay, cool.

I mean, you know what, Craig?

Yeah, Tuck.

Ooh, dirty.

Sly, dirty little dog you, man.

That's cool.

I know.

It's cool.

Gotta do what you gotta do, man.

Gotta get yours.

But, dude, so I took my TomTom, and I bought Velcro tape.

What's that thing, Craig, talking about him?

I bought two-sided Velcro tape.

Velcro tape.

And I took one side of Velcro tape, and I stuck it to the back of my Google phone, my G1.

and i and i stuck the rest of it on the uh on the tomtom uh gps device machine and now i'm mounting

my my cell phone one of my i have two cell phones i'm mounting my my google cell phone with the gps

on and the google maps going um on the tomtom so it's the most expensive cell phone car mount that

i think you could you could find 150 dollars so that's how i roll it's very ghetto but it's

fucking awesome it looks really good and i didn't want to velcro to the dash of my car because

because i don't want to i don't want to get nasty shit in my car yeah yeah and uh dude it was really

weird i well i was testing it and i g i went to see my parents and i put in their address and i

gps all the way there and i got to my parents house and to show me a picture of their house

like in the middle like in the middle of nowhere out of some some suburb out of orlando i was like

holy shit that's that's weird like my parents house the house that i grew up in my parents

My dad's car is in front.

I was wondering.

That's pretty cool.

From 1982?

No.

My dad's got a nice car.

My parents got a Toyota.

I mean that picture.

There's a picture from 1982.

My parents have been Toyota people all along.

Like the one in the car he had.

And maybe like your tricycle.

No, I'll be honest with you.

I'll be honest with you.

My parents have a 96 Corolla.

That they bought.

But my parents have a 96 Corolla that they bought new in 96.

And that's my dad's car now.

It still runs like a fucking dream.

No problems, never really broken down.

They just had to do some body work to it, I think.

You know, it got dinged up a little bit, and they replaced the brakes on it recently.

But they've never had to take it in to get a fucking huge part of the engine or something major surgery-like.

You know, never happened with this Toyota Corolla.

And 10 years later, they bought a 2006 Corolla, and that's my mom's car.

that's the new one an o6 corolla 10 years apart both of them working in perfect condition toyota's

a damn good car you can say what you want about the accelerator and all that that's pussy shit

all right and they already know how to fix that it's just a fucking recall like i you know it just

happens car things i mean this is happening to cars that were like on the road for like three

years so why did they accelerate for no reason no no no but i'm talking street view motherfucker

fucker no i'm not no i'm not talking here's what happens the google the google gps that's what i

meant i wasn't saying the complete thing you guys are thinking it was the maps no no no fuckers

the street view um when you're doing your gps when you get to your destination when it knows

you've made it it's it switches right to street view of your destination so even if you're in

then you're kind of like okay which building is it i'm you know i'm in a downtown area it shows

you a picture of the front of the building that you're going to so you're like oh it's that one

with the red door and the big sign in front you know what i mean it's it's fucking amazing yeah

but isn't it kind of like google's like a leviathan sometimes dude it's just really kind

of getting kind of close to home and you think about it like that google schmidt guy he's uh

he's uh buddy buddy with obama and the obama administration so oh man that's that's uh that's

thank god because i live in a rural area google has has it wrong yeah they will they will they

They will map everything.

They're going to have little droids at one point that are just going to go through every single road constantly.

I don't know.

It's going to be – you know me.

I don't know if you've ever seen Star Wars, the first one.

I've seen it every hour.

You ever see Star Wars, the first one where they're on a Death Star and Chewbacca was walking through and his little droid that was like a little box on wheels went up to him and Chewbacca growled at him and ran away.

I don't know if I'm digging deep.

But I'm saying

They'll have little droids like that

Just like going up and down streets

You're talking about the movie

Everyone has seen

Yeah

Oprah and Oprah

Way too many times

The big one

The first movie

Which is Star Wars

A New Hope

Of course

A New Hope

Do you like any of those movies?

Have you ever done any art?

Would you do a Leia art thing?

Anything like that?

Would you think about it?

Would you do that for me?

What?

You want some fan art?

You want some Star Wars fan art?

Do you ever draw vaginas?

Have you ever drawn a vagina?

Have you tried?

Be honest

Do you know how?

You can't?

Can you draw?

You can draw a vagina?

Like, do you know how?

Like, do you know what it looks like and everything?

Oh, okay.

Like, you know where all the parts are to the vagina, right?

Like, you know how to draw it.

I'm just asking.

All right.

I don't know.

I mean, if you don't, it's okay.

I know you're a young guy, so.

A little pee-pee.

A little hey-hey.

Hoo-hoos and hey-hays.

Herbal Baker says,

Google just bought one of the automated drones for picture taking.

Well, beautiful.

Here we go.

Yay.

Taking pictures of you while you're taking a shower.

eating beans at the same time that's what i do fuck i eat baked beans in a shower don't ask me

why all right sure go ahead when i was a kid like kid like before i knew about you know

and all that uh-huh so yeah i i was a little kitty drew everything everything okay so i had

like a brother or cousin or something, I forget

how it happened, was

draw me a naked girl.

Okay, a girl.

I, being the knowledge,

as knowledge as I was

when I was six. Six, was it?

Okay, not sixteen, six. Yeah,

something like that. No, no, no, no, no.

This is like a little kid shit. Okay, alright.

So, I draw her

with a full-function penis, of course,

like everyone does, because I don't know

what I've been drawing for my penis. Naked.

okay naked so this is naked i knew the boo part so basically i do a shemale wow when who asked

who asked you to do this a teacher or now walking like a cousin or a brother or i can't remember

all right i drew it that's weird so so i had it in my notebook sitting around who knows how long

right so uh my my my mom goes was showing a friend of hers oh my you know oh my oh my my

my son draws wonderfully for oh he's very advanced for his age so the woman is flipping around

oh my god fucking panic it's like oh no this gets fucking weird wow that's scary

No, I missed the cousin part

I missed the cousin part

But for a second I thought it was like a priest

Or a minister or a teacher or a psychologist

Or a dirty doctor told you to say that

Or do that at six years old

No, it was like another fellow little kid

Or like an uncle

That'd be funny

Hey, draw me a name.

You didn't know.

Draw me a name.

It's a girl.

Yeah.

You don't have to draw me a name.

It's a girl.

Yeah.

Was he older?

You know how little kids are.

You know, kids are, um, not as old as I was much older.

Didn't know any difference that I did.

Right, right.

Okay.

All right.

Uh, also, yeah, just to let you all know, we're on Phone Losers, uh, Phone Losers chat.

It's here also.

80s, 70s, 80s.

This is in the 70s and 80s.

How old was the kid that asked you to draw that?

Eight?

eight younger older than eight maybe he's older well shit on him for not knowing at that point

though all right anyway so uh we're on cacti radio you know i read the you know exactly i

managed the cacti radio stream rotation which for some reason i look today and all the phone

looser stuff this shit's going like i was thinking today i was like you know that's weird i haven't

heard phone losers stuff or haven't noticed that it's been on the server for wow all week i look

on there and i don't know what happened i don't know if i got a virus or something but the my

server kept uh restarting on its own um i'm thinking it was just updates that were hitting

it and i never disabled uh windows automatic updates yeah well you can still go on if it's

dead that's actually better because you'll actually be on i didn't even know i don't

think i knew for like 24 hours because um well no because that server i only i leave it running

i only check in on the server like maybe every day or two and i have it set so it doesn't waste

power the monitors go off automatically after five hours of no use and it'll sit there for

maybe a good whole day before i go back to just here let me make sure the sound levels are okay

still yeah well yeah yeah you'll kick it you'll be doing your show and then when you're done with

it it'll just go back to silence unless my computer is um is uh talking it wasn't talking

at that point oh really yeah but uh yeah i noticed that happened i was like oh fuck you know and then

i don't know why it was turned off completely i didn't know i was like why is the mouse not

waking up the server and then i well wait a minute but you know the server machine isn't

even turned on so that's what happened i want to apologize for that and also i kick it it will

come back up if you kick it you will take over and you will be broadcasting but if my server is

like that if it's if i lose internet here or my server shut down and i don't know it or i have to

shut it down yeah it'll be dead dead it'll go back to dead dead but after you're done but while

you're on you're on you're running and people can hear it that's fine you can just tell people yeah

so yeah that's that's a favor i mean if it if you if you ever notice it's happening take over and

just as long as you throw prank calls on there don't throw music probably because i don't think

they want to yeah right yeah just i mean if i'm out and you come and say and you tell me hey the

server's on it's all right cool i'll be home in an hour can you just play some prank calls you

know fill it up with an hour worth of material do a show or you know and then i'll get home and i'll

say all right i'm back whenever you're done and i'll i'll set it back up here and you don't even

have to go off then you can just keep doing your shit finish your show or your thing whenever you

want it takes over yeah basically it's it's pretty open it's between me you well i mean it's rbcp

first of course and then um and then me and you as long as we can do shows whenever we want as

long as we don't uh you know take up someone else's time like just make sure rbcp isn't on

then and i'm not on check in with us both or one of us and if no one's you know this is rotation

just kick it go go for it really that's the kind of um attitude and that's cool that i think that's

how i've been taking madhouse lately i know we used to do regular set show times and um i noticed

we still get the same maybe just a little or or maybe uh an insignificant maybe one-eighth less

the number of listeners live uh when i'm not on a regular schedule uh well yeah when i'm not in a

regular schedule it's not really not that much of a difference i'm noticing here this has mostly

become a podcast show now and just the the really super listeners are the ones that get to listen

listen live and it adds to the atmosphere and we got a lot of podcast listeners who say well you

know i love it yeah well i'm doing it at different times and what i need to do is what we need to get

going here is you know when when either of us the three of us are going to do a show yeah we're

fucking up we're not having it at time times well no even if we don't because a lot of people say

that's awesome because i i can't listen at night i can listen in the afternoons or i can't listen

on thursday night but i can listen on monday mornings that's that's you know what i mean i'll

I'm meeting people at work, and when they're at work, they get blocked.

There's this firewall for the work, so they can't hear it.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that goes on like that.

Even if they can't stream or something.

I think for Madhouse, I'm going to keep it to this format.

We'll try to always do a show on Wednesday afternoon.

That'll be our main time, but I need to be better at updating in the forums and the sites,

so you know exactly when a show's going to be on live.

At least, you know, I would say at least two or three days before,

so that you can say oh cool let me make a note of that or maybe i'll be around and then i can set i

need to set up like some alerting people better you know so they're signed up to that somehow we

gotta we gotta come up with a way and you can do the same thing tuck you know pick his regular

night like rbcp he wants to stick to that but i think we should i still like the idea of doing

saturday night shows because i think there's a lot of people when it gets cold in the winter

coming up here maybe three or four months when it gets cold a lot of people stay home they don't

go out as they do now as much in the summer so we could get it you know saturday evening and uh get

together and do like just you know have have a conference long like we did last week a phone

bridge like we had going and we're broadcasting that and we were just doing pranks yeah and

yeah it's fun and i just use that shit to fucking uh make a podcast episode

yeah yeah there you go tuck what do you think are you going to stick to a regular night schedule

schedule actual time or are you going to maybe just do the random thing whatever what what are

your thoughts on that what are you thinking for your show i random right now because i don't know

what a schedule would be yet yet yet when's the last when's the last time you did one did you do

one last weekend now i like the random of just coming in um filling in and we don't show up

which happens to be every week uh on wednesday at three okay and uh when your server's down uh

there's no show.

Yeah, I hear you.

But now I know the server's down.

Now you know.

Even if the server's down,

the server's up.

The server's out somewhere and fucking...

And if the server goes down,

let's make a show.

You can.

You can always make a show

as long as the bill's being paid by RBCP.

That's our schedule.

That's awesome.

RBCP's helping us all out

because he pays the money

for the Cacti Radio shoutcast.

And because of that,

I told him I'll help you out.

I'll run the rotation.

and i've been i did good for a while then now i had the whole thing with the but it hasn't done

it in a few days i just think maybe it was having a driver problem or something i just uh i decided

uh i think i found the one of the webcams that i had hooked up it had a bad driver and i think

maybe that was crashing the bitch i don't know i don't know because it's funny my screensaver is

a screensaver that's a bunch of blue screens random blue screens uh you know blue screens of

death you know you don't see that stuff because you're in a mac but on the windows i am and so i

So I never really, you know.

Right, we don't have those.

Yeah, so I think I saw one, but at the same time it might have been the screen server coming up.

So I don't know.

Now I'm just seeing that's probably a bad idea to have.

It's funny.

And I know, like, my wife, she saw my laptop.

She's like, I want to use your laptop.

But it was crashing over and over again.

I was like, oh, no, that's just a screen saver.

It's cool.

Anyway, we should do pranks, right?

I'm just talking.

I'm having a good time here.

I have an overschedule.

Joel, the pranking will be the whole point of us doing it, but you know.

Right.

So I think I want to say that I'm going to take Madhouse now.

This is officially.

The broadcast will be Madhouse Live.

We've wasted enough time for the stalls so people can get numbers to you.

Yeah, I think we've wasted enough time doing that.

But the Madhouse Live show is just going to be when we're on live.

But it's just going to be a podcast.

And just one podcast.

Because in the past I had a script for prank calls.

And I had a script for the Madhouse shows.

shows, and I was talking with, oh, what's this guy's name, we got a friend, he's a friend,

he's a pretty cool dude, he works for Apple support, I think he's like a level two tech

over there with Apple iPod support, and he knows a lot about how this, Incredible,

that's who it is i'm sorry it's just i don't know the

incredible if you hear this at some point if you're listening now i don't know if you're at

work listening but i just deal with so many people man it's hard for me to keep a hold of it

so many fucking people out there but incredible is cool because he works

incredible in six months or more i see him occasionally he'll send me a message like hey

i'm still around you know i've got his phone number should give him a call he he might come

down for christmas awesome he comes down well he come down he comes down to the center florida

area um for the holidays he told me i know he did last year but i was too busy because i had family

here but i think this this time this year round is going to be a little slower for me thank god

not a busy holiday schedule with family and this and that and fucking this event and that i'm i'm

i don't want that shit anymore uh at least not this year i want to have a nice easy uh fucking

holidays here in my house um i don't know why i'm talking about the holidays so it's the middle

summer tuck i don't know what it's like over there but it's 106 heat index today

106 was how it felt

God man

Isn't it horrible

It's such ass man

I fucking hate it

I can't stand it

Too fucking hot

I sweat so much

Like a pig

So you were actually naked

naked i want everyone to know hey ken yeah i saw your message here carlito uh uh got a message

here from ken uh calling me telling me carlito to call his cousin he's a plumber that sounds good

i like plumbers plumbers are uh bandsmen you know what i mean he's in glen arbor or ann arbor

michigan that sounds that sounds fun we'll call fucking plumber call you um we got his company

number uh what else we got uh loans uh new new rather and i forgot to tell lonesome loser about

out this and i nunu uh sent in the number for uh sandra powell she was caught speeding at 102

miles per hour in a 40 uh 40 mile per hour zone because she was late for a hair appointment and

she's 73 years old we're gonna see if she picks up we'll give her a call i got her number here

coming in from right right uh rbcp if you're fucking uh if you want to join us for frank

I say, you know, later on, you can jump on Skype, and we'll conference in on some pranks.

And I might open up the phone lines again like we did last time, dude.

And I might do that every time we do a live show for an hour.

We'll let people call in live.

And if it's going good, we'll extend it.

And if not, then we'll just go back to I am the Iron Fist and I want to control.

And I think I want to have that control because I'm a man.

I'm a real man.

That's right.

All right.

So let's prank call the speeding old lady, all right?

Let's do that.

That reminds me.

uh nunu if you want to help me out try to find me some numbers in angola i'm going to call the

country of angola and get some answers over there from the country of angola country that's uh

passed over but it's a very important history and i have some ideas for that nunu so fucking

angola you hear that anybody out there if you want to find a number to a hotel or someone that

will answer in the country of angola please pass that on with some information as to where it is

and what they do there maybe you know is it a hotel maybe try to call if you got some international

of you know phone car minute machines and it's not it's probably gonna be expensive talk fuck

that i don't know let's find out we got more numbers to call here don't worry folks i got

tons of numbers at the asm loans and loser going back in the banks i've been i've done the last

two shows tux has done the last two of his shows also on numbers that have just been on for a long

long time old numbers zolar's uh checking in he might be joining us maybe uh rbcp mentioning i

think he's on uh skype right now we can connect him if you want there he is i believe tuck you

want to get on skype and get off of here and do that too maybe we can just prank together

angola find out how the fuck hey hey hey man what's going on brother i need to turn down my

radio don't i uh yes that's the whole saying i don't know if you people call radio shows a lot

but when you call Terrestrial Radio, they always tell you to turn your radio down

because you end up with that awful fucking echo-y kind of thing.

Yeah, I'm trying to learn to tell people to turn their iTunes down to make it more relevant.

2010.

Is that really what a lot of people use now, you think?

I'm still using Winamp.

I don't know if I'm just—I just refuse to change.

I always use the web browser.

The web browser, really?

Yeah, I always use Winamp.

Because I can just go in there, I just click on the Shoutcast one,

and I type in CACT and I hit enter

because I never remember

if it's us or I

and it comes up.

It's always the first one

that comes up

and I got a bookmark too

and all that shit.

Hey, I'm going to try

to call Angola.

You know anything

about the country

of Angola, man?

No, nothing at all.

That was a revolution.

I've never even heard of it.

I think it's in Africa.

I think they're Africans, man.

Like African.

I think they're like

communist Africans

or something.

I'm a dropout

so I'm not a good person

to ask anything.

That's cool.

Did you get your GED at least

or like?

Nope, never.

Never?

So you're just fucking

living a dream, huh?

Pretty much.

That's cool, man.

Trust fund boys have all the fun.

I do.

About 65% of Angola's petroleum comes from the region called Cabinda.

Cabinda.

I think that should be our target for calling.

I think that's a big town up in there.

That sounds good.

I've got tons of numbers here.

When you want to do a call, you just want to sit in.

I just thought I'd include you in the fun.

You know, I'm here.

Yeah, I don't care.

I probably, yeah.

I suck at prank calls, you know.

That's all right.

You just sit there, all right?

You just sit there and listen, all right?

I'll just interrupt you a lot.

Be my little chicken.

Just be like my little chicken and sit there.

Okay.

When I say you cluck, you just go,

like that a little bit.

How do you add other calls?

Dude, I'm wasted right now.

I'm drunk.

Let's see.

It's not audio settings.

It's not tools.

Help me out here.

Add people.

There we go.

That's so stupid.

Why would they put that like that?

I'm on a Mac, so I'm pretty useless right now.

You too?

Jerk.

This guy's a plumber.

Just so you know.

I guess I can't add calls.

I guess you can't.

I guess you suck.

I need some water.

you bottle water guy or tap water guy sir man but i put it in bottles so it's all right so people

don't know that's cool not available right now leave a message i'll call you back asshole

thanks again for sending a plumber that's uh not not awake good idea send a pile then and pick up

i'm gonna go back into the archives here and find some numbers so what uh you say you don't do good

prank calls but i heard the shit that you did um well you organized some um few uh what two weeks

weeks ago right that was a really good show man just oh he's not even on yeah i hit the wrong

hang up button man i always do that you're a little too drunk right now yeah i am but hey

dude i was saying that was a good show two weeks ago where you did those uh you were calling those

uh call-in shows the radio shows that are on oh yeah that's a lot of fun what site gonna do that

that's a blog talk blog talk radio dot com it's really it's it's so easy yeah blog talk radio

dot com and you just scroll through these stations and they're all doing live shows

and they all have call-in numbers you just got to find one that you know that'll actually pick

that'll pick up on it okay all right cool i might do that these shows are so small to you know that

it's easy to get them to pick up right okay that's cool yeah they're like uh they're oh my god we

gotta call her actually gotta call her here yeah and there's shows here locally that i used to

fuck with when i was like 18 19 and 20 man and i never recorded them and some of them are really

fucking funny i miss it and all i can do is say stories about them when they they come up in my

head while i'm doing a show something will remind me of it all right so it's really convenient that

one yeah i know right yeah yeah right asshole when i was back when i was 15 um so how do you

know who's live on here i got featured upcoming live is there no it'll um i think there's a thing

on the top that says on air on air yeah there it is oh okay pretty much the first page or two it'll

show you oh hey okay let's see here android guys hey i was just talking about android so they're

on air now so you got to go in there see if they have a call-in number do a lot of them have a

calling number they all do like it's part of blog talk radio it's like they provide you with the

phone number and they're doing their shows over the phone i think oh so this is like uh talk do

you i don't know if i don't know if you remember talk there was a fucking show uh no a fucking uh

it might be it definitely might be and there's a thing called talk to you for a while that was

just like this a little this is a little more advanced though actually yeah it's pretty cool

Oh, I signed up for an account just to see how it worked.

Do they pay you?

TalkShoe would pay you for your first ten shows, no matter how many listeners you got, just to give them content.

Oh, I don't know if you get paid.

Yeah, they're paying, I think it was like a buck or a buck fifty.

They send me a check for three bucks for like a whole month,

and after that you have to have a certain number of subscribers or listeners,

and you get bonuses if you go up in the rankings.

That's just quite cool, but I don't think it took off because it had a lot of technical issues.

Anyway, so these people have a calling number.

Let's see what they're talking about, and I'll join in.

The youngest person

Can you hear that?

You can't hear that, can you?

I hear nothing

Oh, fuck

What does that mean?

I mean, is the check mark in here?

Yeah, there's no way for you to hear it

Unless I had another computer going

Playing the feed and the other thing

It'd be a whole

Unless you want to get on TeamSpeak

I don't know

That's your option

We've got a TeamSpeak server going

You can join in

Over there, too

Oh, man

I can't let that right now

Get the window crashed

Yeah, don't worry about it

Hang on for like three minutes

talk and see if I can get my finger

on their pulse. I'll be right back

and I'll give them a call. This is

Android guys. They're on Thursday nights.

Oh, fuck. Here's the number again.

Be a part of the show now at

347-637-2112.

We're going to celebrate. We're going to have six-year-olds.

Today's birthday is on Martinator versus

Justin versus Gunner,

I guess. Hey, I'll actually be

17 in about three months.

Dude, I'm 16 and three quarters.

I'm not 16. Oh, it tucks on me.

You're not eligible, though.

You're on the panel.

Yeah, he's not eligible.

But anyway.

No free stuff for you.

We're going to jump back to the G2s.

We left there when Patrick called in, and Kyle wanted to say something.

Kyle, go ahead and give your piece about the G2 right now, buddy.

Fuck the G2.

You wanted to know what phone it was, and I saw it in the chat room.

Fuck the G2.

The G2 is a piece of horse shit.

I want a fucking, does it got a keyboard?

I don't know.

I want a new Android phone, but I'm stuck on T-Mobile because of fucking T-Mobile grants me a sweet deal.

How do you know they're talking about an iPhone?

They're not, because it's an Android show.

Why would they be talking about the iPhone, Tuck?

Really?

Are you that fucking lost?

Are you that sick?

I don't know what show it is, but I can talk to you shit.

It's an Android show.

It's a Blaze, G1 Blaze, uh, NASGuard.

RBCP, what kind of phone do you rock?

Do you rock a Nokia fucking Motorola StarTAC, or what do you do?

It's an iPhone.

It's an iPhone, huh?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't...

That's okay.

Don't make fun of me, okay?

I hate...

I carry an iPod Classic with me all the time.

I don't fucking...

I need to click wheel.

I got it just because I didn't want...

I don't want an iPod and another cell phone, you know?

I just used it...

Look, I just want to hear the music, okay?

But I don't want the shuffle,

because the shuffle,

I don't know what I'm fucking getting to, okay?

And I'm on a mission, like,

okay, I need to listen to this Madhouse episode

from two nights ago

so I can know what was on it

and make notes with time marks, you know?

And shit,

it's a whole fucking process that i do to edit these shows anyway i kind of learned it learned

and i improve on myself that way uh but i want i don't want to look at the fucking screen all the

time i'm either driving or walking around uh so i want to be able to control the bitch you know in

my pocket basically and that's why i don't want to get the ipod touch uh yeah that's kind of a

downside yeah and i personally um right now okay i i had maxed out my 30 gig ipod that i had until

until the hard drive finally died and burned on it.

I performed surgery on it twice.

It just crashes.

It's a dead hard drive on it.

But right now I've got an 80 gig hard drive,

and I just passed 75%,

because I've got all my Madhouse stuff on there,

and I've got all my music.

I've got a lot of music.

I've never lost a copy of MP3 that I've downloaded

since back in the Napster days.

Before Napster, I used to get them on fucking IRC.

I used to go into the fucking chat with the bot,

that you had to say something

and it'd give you back

the information for the FTP,

whatever that was

back in the day.

I remember that.

Yeah, that's way, way back.

The first MP3s

I ever downloaded

were from somebody's computer

that I was hacking into.

Even without pre-racing

the dude from your place,

you don't have to worry

about this

inside your dishwasher.

And that's how I built up

my MP3 collection.

I broke into people's computers

and stole all their files.

So you just start .mp3

and just take all that shit

and yank it.

I hear you, man.

That's cool.

Basically, why not, right?

Did you ever do Star JPEG?

That's something.

I'll be honest with you, RBCP.

I fix computers for my wise friends sometimes and my friends.

If you're going to have me fix your computer for free, son of a bitch, I'm going to see your browsing history.

And I'm going to look in your pictures.

I'm going to look for dirty stuff.

And I'm going to look at it.

I wouldn't leave you alone with my computer.

Well, hey, look.

You're getting it for free.

If I had an A-plus degree and I was charging you for it, then I would be the man.

I would be, I'm a man and I'm a gentleman.

But if you're looking for free shit for me

I'm looking at your shit

I'm not going to save it

I'm not going to back it up

But I'm going to look at

I'm going to look at those dirty pictures

You and your husband took

Me and my husband?

No

Anybody else

Other people

It's just a warning

Because I get fed up

I get fed up

My wife fucking volunteers me all the time

Oh yeah I used to get that too

That's why I got divorced

You should get divorced

Look man

I got a computer right now

Oh yeah

You got to fix this by Friday

It's like fucker

You should try divorce

Divorce would be awesome

Divorce might be awesome

I'll tell you what

Sometimes

You don't have to put up with all that

Think about it

Divorce or a fucking pillow

Finish

Okay

Alright alright

Tombstone in the chat room

Just said he's never heard

Carlito and RBC partner up

And they

Thought we were the same person

The whole time

Or I guess Jen said that

Yep

We're the thunder

We're the thundercats

Of telephones man

I could be wrong

For this whole trick

We're doing here

You know

It's working

They believe it

Yeah I hear you

We're different people

Well let's see where it goes

Let's start calling.

Is this what you did?

You basically tell everybody, hey, call in such and such show and let's see what happens?

Is that basically how it went?

Yeah.

All right.

That works.

I just posted it in the chat room and I'd call it myself.

All right.

Well, I posted it in there for everybody.

Some of them sucked.

We had to waste a lot of time.

Really?

We'd spend like two hours on the phone and get maybe 20 minutes of material.

Of good stuff, yeah.

Yeah.

Can they take more than one caller at the same time?

That's the question because they've got some kid on there right now.

I don't think they can.

but i don't know all right so if anybody's gonna do that maybe i should hang up with you and and

and you know all right go ahead um sounds good i'll send i'll copy paste you the server to

connect to just um hit me up and i'll we'll do that sounds good okay thank you bye he's gonna

take care of getting on on that team speak machine if anybody's gonna make an attempt to try to call

that let me know uh oh yeah brandon uh sent this uh number for earl he's a republican guy who

who writes letters to the editor of the Beacon News

complaining about liberals.

We also got that number for Eddie's Pizza and Woodman's...

Woodman's 24-hour food market.

24-hour food market?

Hey, I'm gonna move for some grits.

Hey!

Super mayor!

Shit.

What do I got?

I got, um...

I got RBCP still connected here, though.

What's going on with this shit?

I want a new number.

New call!

When can I get a new call?

You're not greenlit on the Skype, though.

I am, too.

Are you looking at Madhouse Radio?

or are you looking for the Carlito one?

I see you lit.

Stupid. I'm calling you now.

Look. Calling you.

I'm calling you now?

Ah, you're hiding, right?

I hung up on you on Skype now, bastard.

Call back.

Call back. Call back. Do a call with me.

We're going to call this...

We're going to call Errol Johnson, the Republican guy,

and then we'll call this Pizza Pub.

Pizza and Pub.

RBCP needed the...

What is it again?

I got it here.

I'm going to turn my air off

Alright, turn your air off, yeah

Take your pants off, your bra and all that

I want to take off your clothes for a tug

Get naked, nice and naked for us

That's nice, that's a good idea

You want to be comfortable, get yourself your tea

Iced tea, everybody, right now

Any women are allowed to get naked right now

While you're listening to Madhouse Radio

Give me a second, let me find that

What's the server called?

What is it again?

Well, you probably shouldn't give it out in the air

Oh, blue.

I got it.

Yeah, blue, blue, blue.

I got to find which one.

I have so many windows open that are IM with the people just messaging me shit.

I don't know where.

RBCB sent me another message, so it'll pop up in front of me.

Because I've got multiple windows open, and now I can't find it.

And if I'm afraid, I'll close something that'll be important.

You sound so different on Skype.

Thank you.

You sound nice, also.

The number to call in that Android show is 347-637-2112.

I got the RBCP now.

Okay, here we go.

If I can get the control key to go down.

I got something in my keyboard, man.

I got to take the vacuum cleaner to it.

All right, RBCP, I just sent you the server.

That's the host.

Connect to that.

We're in the lobby, of all things, and we might have to make a jump.

Lobby?

Yeah, because we don't have a room anymore.

All right.

That's why.

We haven't been on this server for a long time, and the one we were paying for just shut off.

A year.

They've got free ones out the wazoo.

We can find one.

He'll give you a free one.

We just got to...

well yeah that's true yeah we can find that ted i gotta send him an email so hey can you uh hook

up our station uh channel for our station real quick it was milkman was our guy in charge of

team speak he handled all the logistics for it and uh he's just too busy for it now i'm not

talking shit about milkman saying we love him we could try to call him but he changed his phone

number or something i don't know what happened he changed his phone number i don't have his new

phone number i talked to him online in an email but he doesn't he hasn't called me with his new

phone number. I think I might have it

here. I'm going to try to call him on the speakerphone

here. But I really doubt this number's been

working for some time.

Actually, no, I've got him in Skype already saved. Let's try to

call him there.

He's getting all jazzed up

on his tablet thing, you know.

Holding a keyboard above my eyes.

What would I hold? You know, too soon. That's

not cool, man. You know, there's a lot. I'm Puerto Rico

and I eat rice and beans at my desk

here and there's probably rice and garbanzos

in there. Hello?

Hello.

I'll just leave your name and number in a brief message, and I'll call you right back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

My bad.

My bad, guys.

Hey, Milkman.

I'm just trying to make you understand.

Love you.

Yeah, we miss you, Milkman, and you don't ever call the show anymore.

Why don't you call the show?

Why do you hate us?

Give us a call.

We're doing a show now.

If that's the way you feel, then...

We came on for your birthday tonight.

It's Milkman's birthday.

Really?

He doesn't want to be on the show.

Yeah.

Is it? Yay! I was lying about Milkman's birthday

That's on Halloween as a matter of fact

He always makes a big deal

Oh yeah, that's right

It's on Halloween, I'm able

I like to have, uh, kill my cat

On Halloween

I kill a cat on Halloween

I'll be here for a second fashion

My god, sure though

He's like, Ermato, Ermato

I kill the cat

He would kill a cat

So, Milkman

kiddies. That pervert.

Anyway, let me open up the Lonesome Loser

Logs. New news.

I'll get a catch out here and go

show my old kiddies.

New news center number here for

Mr. David Tate.

I don't know what he is or what he does, but he's a

fucker, so let's call him. That's what I understand.

What is he, a conservative

fellow conservative like us?

Who makes hippies and pinkos?

Pinkos.

Any second of the ring.

See if he picks up. Hey, this is Dave.

David.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Yeah.

What's going on, man?

Yeah.

Who is this?

Hey, it's Vegas.

How you been?

Who?

Vegas.

Hey, how you been?

Listen, I had a question about the brakes.

Anthony said that you knew something about someone who knew about a good place to do brakes or something like that.

You get brakes changed over in the car, you know?

David.

Who is this?

David, it's us, man.

Come on.

Open the door.

It's Vegas.

He told me, you know.

Who?

The brakes went out, dude.

Yeah, Tuck told me that you knew a guy who fixed brakes really cheap.

It was a place that fixed brakes really cheap.

You know what we mean by brakes, right?

Brakes really cheap?

David, open the door.

Yeah, open the door, man, because I need my brakes fixed.

I want you to come outside.

I'm parked outside.

I want you to come fix my brakes.

It's gone.

Yes.

It's gone.

You should come outside and park my brakes.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Come outside and park my brakes.

It doesn't matter.

He is awesome.

He is the best.

It doesn't have to make sense.

Hang on, let's listen to this.

I'm listening.

Hey, didn't they give credit to DroidDev for those pictures?

No, they gave them to...

They gave them to...

I'm getting some more literal fans.

Oh, no, no.

Obviously, no one wants to talk about us making our little thing on there, assholes.

We did a thing on there, you know?

They obviously get this every night.

They probably do.

I guess some assholes call it and say it's stupid shit they don't care about.

Yeah.

Be right back.

All right, good.

And I for one as a Muslim believe that the white man is intelligent enough.

If he were made to realize.

There was two kinds of slaves.

There was the house Negro and the field Negro.

The house Negro, they lived in the house with masks.

They dressed pretty good.

good. They ate good because they ate his food when he left. They lived in the attic or the

basement, but still they lived near their master. And they loved their master more than

the master loved himself. They would give their life to save their master's house quicker

than the master would. The house Negro, if the master said, we got a good house here,

the house Negro would say, yeah, we got a good house here. Whenever the master said

we, he said we. That's how you can tell a house Negro. If the master's house caught

caught on fire, the house negro would fight harder to put the blaze out than the master

would. If the master got sick, the house negro would say, what's the matter, boss? We sick,

he's sick. He identified himself with his master more than his master identified with

himself. And if you came to the house negro and said, let's run away, let's escape, separate,

that house negro would look at you and say, man, you crazy. What you mean separate? Where

is there a better house than this? Where can I wear better clothes than this? Where

Where can I eat better food than this?

That was that house Negro.

In those days, he was called a house nigger.

And that's what we call him today because we still got some house niggers running around here.

Modern house Negro.

His master.

He wants to live near him.

He'll pay three times as much as the house is worth just to live near his master.

And then brag about, I'm the only Negro out here.

I'm the only one on my job.

I'm the only one in this school.

You're nothing but a house Negro.

Should be calling chicken and waffles here.

see how they feel about brother malcolm talking about house negroes and field negroes maybe they

can shed on the uh issue themselves hello hello yeah hi it's just uh yeah listen i wanted to ask

you what you feel about the house negroes and field negroes what do you got over there

what's your contention yeah hello what do you have over there you have like a house negroes

or field negroes like uh we have like a mexican food like a house burritos so are they house or

or field?

Are they from the house

or the field?

No.

Yeah, see,

I went to 50 bucks.

Is there an American

I can talk to?

Why are you asking for?

I went to 50 bucks.

Well, no,

is there an American

I can talk to?

I mean,

because maybe

you don't understand.

I need to know

if you got house

or field over there.

No, man,

he said field.

I heard him.

Yeah,

this is a Mexican place.

I went to bed, man.

I went to bed.

He said field, right?

Is there a woman there

or something?

Someone else?

Yeah,

can you put a real man

on the phone, a man?

Do you have the menu with you?

You can make it easy for me

I don't understand what you're saying

I don't understand

It sounds like clicking noises

You're making clicking noises

I don't understand

He told me

Give me the 50 bucks

So we can go out and do the thing

You owe me 50 bucks

I swear he said field

Right sir?

I don't understand what he's saying.

What a fucker.

Let's try to call him back.

I win.

I win the bet.

All right.

This time let me talk to him, for God's sake.

He can't hear you.

Talk to him in Spanish.

You know that language.

Well, you're not letting me talk, fucker.

Fuck.

Listen, I want to apologize to my friends over there.

And he's been doing drugs in the bathroom.

I'm not kidding you.

He does drugs in the bathroom.

Yeah, actually, I'm sorry anyway.

But I don't understand why you're talking.

Well, your eggs, were they from the field or from the house?

It was.

What can I do for you?

I want a chorizo burrito.

Do you have that?

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, we do.

Do you make it with eggs, damn it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's coming with eggs.

Chorizo burrito.

Shut up when I'm talking.

Do the eggs come from the field, or are they field Negroes or house Negro eggs?

I mean, it's not that hard to understand.

Chorizo, chorizo with eggs, together.

How big are they?

It's pretty much bigger.

Yeah?

Pretty much bigger.

How big?

Like, how many inches?

Like, how big is the burrito?

Like, five long?

Yeah.

It's pretty much bigger.

I don't know how to explain you what this is like.

Is it like when you make a shit in the toilet and you don't flush the toilet there?

I want to use the bathroom there and someone took a shit in the toilet and they didn't flush the toilet after they left.

That is not good when you compare the food with that shit.

Well, I think maybe was it a burrito or was it a shit?

I think it was a piece of shit that they made in the toilet.

Are you on audit?

But my question is, the person that came out before me, he works there.

He went back into the kitchen.

Well, I was going to take it, sir, but honestly, someone used the toilet over there,

and I think they worked there, and they didn't flush the toilet,

they didn't clean themselves, and they didn't wash their hands.

And that's why I'm making the phone.

I left, and I decided to call and find out about that first.

You know this restaurant? You can see the restaurant's very clean. The people, too.

Yeah, but what I'm telling you is I went to the bathroom,

and someone came out of the bathroom when I was going in,

and he works in the kitchen, and he took a shit in the toilet,

and he didn't flush the toilet.

there was no paper in the toilet just the shit the khaki okay and and though he didn't wash his

hands or anything because i heard him get uh he left straight through and the water hadn't been

run the sink was dry there was no water no drops nothing who said that you were saying i was there

i was coming in when i said i said i'm not going to get why you don't why you don't come in here

i want to see you facing you told me you told me why are you threatening me i'm by the phone by the

phone i i i can i can tell you so it's true so you can threat always always what screen who maybe

But ask, I want to know, who's the man?

He had dark hair.

Who was he that used the toilet and didn't flush it before he went back to work?

Who was the man?

I don't know who.

Well, how many men worked there?

We worked with three men.

Three?

So was it you?

Did you use the toilet?

Used to be the cook.

He's a very clean guy.

Well, ask the cook.

What's his name?

You can come in here.

No, but ask the cook.

Ask him if he used the toilet.

Yes, for sure.

Ask him now.

I want to know.

Or let me talk to him.

I think you used it on drugs or something like that.

No, I'm saying.

I went there to buy a chorizo burrito.

When did you come?

It was about an hour ago.

I went to buy chorizo burrito, and the man went back to the kitchen from the toilet right when I was entering to go inside.

And when I went inside the toilet, he had the number two in the toilet, and it wasn't flushed.

And he didn't wash his hands when he came out.

And then he went back to start cooking food.

And how am I going to go?

Listen, listen, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, sir.

How am I going to go?

Listen, listen, I said.

I'm talking.

Why would I have, I'm not screaming, I'm making my point, because it's loud where you are, and I have to talk loud so you can hear me, right?

Yeah, I can hear you, that's why, that's it.

Okay, baby, okay, so I'm sorry, sweetie.

Listen, I, he left without washing his hands, and do you think I'm going to go and order my burrito after I know the man who might be cooking, touching it, and putting in the thing?

He made khaki in the bathroom

And he didn't wash his hands

And he's so nasty

That he didn't flush the toilet

And didn't wipe his butt

After there was no paper

That he used

I didn't shoot

Like an hour ago

Because I was here

So it was you

That did it

We don't have any

Any customers

But I cannot

50 bucks

Then ask

Over there

Who used the toilet

Ask who used the toilet

I didn't come up

Because I saw that happen

And I got out

I saw it happen sir

And I got out

Because that's disgusting

You know

I used to make sure

Listen, all I'm asking for you, for me to go there and buy this and prove it,

I want you to just ask the other two men,

hey, did one of you two use the bathroom about an hour ago?

And the person that says that they did, he's the one that did it.

And ask him about, did he do it?

And he's going to have to tell you he did.

Because I know I was there, and he didn't flush the toilet.

And it's probably there still.

Unless someone else, did anyone else use the toilet there?

Any more customers that use the toilet?

Huh?

Huh? Did any other customer...

Let me talk to the chef.

No, I want to talk to the chef.

No, that's it. I want to talk to the chef now.

There is no way to talk to him.

You have to come here.

No, no, no. I talk to the chef.

No, no. Until I talk to the chef, then I come down.

Hold on a second.

The guy who came down, the big guy who came down to the restaurant,

he mentioned, you know, that most of the time,

people in the restaurant, they come in without a lot of food,

Fifty bucks.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

He don't want to understand you, because he's asking and speaking in Spanish.

I know the Spanish, so put him on.

Do you speak Spanish?

Yeah, put him on.

Put him on the phone now, and I'll talk to him.

Do me a favor.

Now, yeah, now, now.

Okay.

Yeah, now.

Do me a favor and put him on the phone now.

No, no, no.

Caballero, caballero, put him on the phone now, yeah, now.

Okay, why do you want him?

No, to see if he used the toilet or not, without lowering the toilet, and I don't know, I don't know, he didn't use paper either, nor did he wash his hands.

And I'm not going to be ordering food there with people who are shitting there, without washing their hands, touching the, putting everything there, disgusting.

Forget it.

Why did you come to the restaurant? Because we haven't received this for more than an hour or two hours.

Do me a favor, put it on my phone right now, right now, I told you.

No, you're not going to call the police.

So then you did this.

You made the shit in the toilet.

It was you.

That's it.

$15 I win.

We get fine.

$15 I win.

I'm going to tell everybody that you went to the toilet there

and you didn't wash your hands and you went to cook the food.

I'm going to go down there right now.

I didn't get to order?

Was it the woman that did it?

I didn't make the order.

You didn't make the order?

You left before that because you saw that scurvy and you left?

Why would I order food when someone used the bathroom and didn't wash their hands

or had the decency to lower the shower?

Or maybe it was a client.

No, but I saw him, gentleman, I saw him walking back, back to where the kitchen is. How is that possible?

Well, you can say what you want, but here we are sure that those who work here, we work here, we keep our hands clean and everything.

You are some dirty...

I handle, for example, the box, I don't touch the food.

You are some dirty, there.

Well, say what you want.

It's disgusting, there are some dirty demons there, and what they sell is shit.

You must shit in the box and give it as if it were food.

That's what you have there.

Well, say what you want.

They take it and shit and urinate in a tub and put it in the microwave for two minutes

and serve it as if it were arroyo bichuela, then.

Well, if you take it in the street, in the street it's more dirty.

You Mexicans eat sombrosa, crap, the crap of the pigs and the cows,

and look what you do here now.

I'm going there right now.

Don't worry.

Oh, no, we're not going to talk.

No, no, no.

I'm an airplane pilot, okay?

Okay, I have money.

I have money.

And that's fine.

That was so Telemundo.

Telemundo, yeah.

That was so Telemundo.

He tried to do a spare soap opera.

I think my cousins might like that in Puerto Rico.

They listen to the Madhouse shows and podcasts.

Oh, yeah, you got to give diversity to all audiences.

No, they listen, though.

They listen.

That's cool.

Three of my cousins do.

And two of their boyfriends listen.

Also, they understand it, but they might like the fact that I included it.

Maybe we have people that speak Spanish that are listening, or we'll hear that.

And if someone comes to you right now and says, let's separate,

you say the same thing that the house Negroes said on the plantation.

What do you mean, separate?

from america this good white man where you gonna get a better job than you get here i mean this is

what you see if you ever discover the team speaker he can come back on i pulled some low blows there

because he could tell from my accent that i wasn't mexican and he started going like well you people

this and i said yeah well you mexicans you uh all you eat is like the entrails of the pigs and the

oh he could tell you weren't you were like puerto rican or something he could tell it was caribbean

or not mexican yeah and i i said that yeah well you mexicans eat the end all you eat is entrails

From pigs and cows

And the shit

From the pigs and the cows

And I said

You might as well just

I said

Why does everybody

Hate everybody

Why do you

It's more hugging

More hugging and loving

My family

The family members

On my mom's side

They don't like

Dominicans

They're highly racist

Of Dominicans

They don't like Colombians

We're just going to

Hug everybody

And they all

Drink a coke

That shit's awesome

It's crazy

Yeah there's racism

In the Spanish community

Like you wouldn't believe

That's what you say

While you left your mind

In Africa

We'll end up on RBCP.

Did you figure out the T-Speak?

Did he ever show up?

I don't think he did.

He could always come back on Skype.

He was sending it up.

He's got a call.

Did he show up on there, T-Speak, or call on Skype?

I don't think so.

You are ready.

There was always more Negroes in the field

than there was Negroes in the house.

The Negro in the field...

I've got a number here from Milton.

He's a creationist school board member.

in Louisiana.

Give Brother Milton a call.

So when you're doing the

conference thing, you're adding

these numbers to the

to your address book

or how you do it in the conference?

I had call phones and this is any number

and I... No, no, no, that's what I'm saying.

I'm just saying that

technically... Well, the good ones

that I like, I add them, yeah.

Is that what you mean? Okay, so that's

because I'm seeing the lists pop up over here

what you're adding. Oh, really? Yeah, you can save those

if you want

on YouTube too

if you see a good one

that you want

because that was

in conference

so I'm seeing

the numbers

well there's one

that you see

come a lot

incoming

and that's going

to be the

Google line

so don't bother

saving that

that's not going

to be anything good

that's just going

to take you to

the Valente

and Associates

voicemail

but this one

here I'm adding

from Skype

this one here

is Milton

you have to add

to get to

conference

Milkman is a

dirty negro

who says who's that that's not nice you did well just mean brennan wants me to call oh yeah i called

did we call earl johnson he didn't pick up

here we call him now what is this um i forgot okay fine milton the creationist

together oh available to take your call all right they're not there leave a message after

Hi, Milton. How are you doing, brother?

I just want to say that you eat entrails of pigs and cows.

Wow.

There we go.

So much for that.

Let me remove...

So much for him returning your call.

Yeah, that's true, right?

I guess that's not going to happen.

Take care of that.

You catch better flies with sugar than Vaseline.

That's what I heard here.

What?

Yeah.

All right, let's call Eddie's Pizza, which came in from Brendan a little bit ago.

24 hour pizza

Oh it's open till 11

CST

Oh shit they're about to close

Let's call them

Oh no

Yeah they also say

That he didn't have papers

And he got

Really pissed off at that

That was right before he hung up

My dad did say that

That was kind of mean

He kind of went

That's a very sensitive

Subject these days

Oh really

Yeah

You think these assholes

Don't pick up the phone

Two minutes before they close

They probably don't

I wouldn't

On a Friday night

Thursday night

I don't know dude

Because it's my weekend

So I get confused

Right

For me it's my Friday night

Right now

Well I got three days

Off in a row

So like

It's my

Oh really

It's technically

It's my Saturday night

Of a three day weekend

If you want to put it that way

But I get this every week

That's my weekly schedule

I love it

Well no

Because the three day weekend

You've always got Monday off right

Yeah so it's actually my Sunday

Of a three day weekend

That's what it is

So you go back tomorrow

So Monday

I got one more day off tomorrow

And then I go back to work on Saturday

Oh that's cool

Nah dude it's cool

Because Saturday I don't have to

Fucking

It's easy peasy at work man

We don't got a lot of

Oh yeah

Easy peasy at work on the weekends

Sunday's even slower

Let me find a number to call here

Let me go back to what people have submitted

I'll be right back

I just use this stuff for inspiration

For pranks

Whatever he's saying

I just mention it to the people I call

Some of it's crazy

I've been taking quotes

Posting them on my personal Facebook

To my co-workers

I said that the place that I work at

I said that if they can't clean it and keep up with it, they should lose the house or it should burn down.

And a bunch of my co-workers were like, yeah.

They added.

They said they liked it and shared it and stuff.

So I might be getting fired when I get back to work.

This is a sticky job.

The field Negro was beaten from morning till night.

He lived in a shack, in a hut.

He wore a cast-off cloak.

That's the man over here.

He hated his mask.

Oh, I'm lighting a cigar.

My wife's awesome

She went to Tampa

Just took a road trip to Tampa

When things froze over

They're coming back

It froze for a little bit

I think I'm maxing out the memory over there

I gotta close down some applications in the background

Anyway, my wife's so awesome

She took a girl's day out with her friend

Out to Tampa

And Tampa has a district, which is a lot of Cubans that left Cuba in the 50s and 60s after the revolution.

In the 60s, I guess.

Late 50s, early 60s, whatever.

A lot of the Cubans, they went to either Tampa or they went to the Bahamas, I think, or Bermuda, one of the two, and Dominican Republic.

That's where they went to continue doing their tobacco cigar industry.

A lot of the people that ran all the companies in Cuba, they emigrated.

Anyway, she picked up, like, three really good cigars for me.

Nice.

As a matter of fact, yeah.

I was quite surprised.

I didn't know she knew what kind or my favorite, my Romeo and Julietas.

They're the ones that are really, I think they're the best bang for your buck.

They're a good cigar, and they're only, like, three, four bucks a piece.

But they smoke like a $20 cigar.

It's so awesome.

She picked me up two Bloomin' It edition ones, and she picked me another one that I like, Cuesta del Rey.

She got that.

that and she got me a cigar box to put it in and an awesome cigar cutter i had lost it rick

little always makes fun of me when he calls in because i'll say i'm lighting a cigar and like i

can't find my fucking cigar cutter he's like you never find your cigar cutter and literally now

i've lost my cigar cutter and she got me a really awesome really nice one oh cool yeah i used to

have this cheapy guillotine one that i got uh for a buck at the cigar shop that was in the mall

you're almost tempting me to go and grab one of these last little uh cheapy ones i have and smoke

This is a pretty night outside.

Well, if it's dry, it's going to be nasty.

You got to, well, I don't know.

Whatever.

Is it like a Swisher Sweet or something?

No, it's almost.

It might as well be.

I think it's like a, I don't know.

It is a good cigar.

I might go, it's too hot.

I think it's nice and a little cooler tonight.

I might go out.

It's cool down there.

It has been hot.

It has been.

You're feeling what I've been feeling for the past two or three weeks.

Yeah, I got a sleeve of this shirt.

I might throw on a pair of my

My Orlando Magic bicycle shorts

Might throw those on

And take the laptop out there

With a cigar

And smoke it

This is it

I've got to work tomorrow

And do some surfing

On the

On the internets

Outside

Put it out that field, Negro

24-hour wind

Alright, 24-hour food market

Yeah

Well, it was supposed to be 24-hour

24-hour what?

I went to a nice wedding once

In South Florida

And the guy

He had

Right there in the reception

He had a guy came in, a fucking cigar roller, rolling cigars right there for everybody, giving them out to all the guests.

He was so fucking pimp.

I was like, it was, it was.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Listen, I know you guys don't have friendly with alcohol around here, but I don't appreciate you people over there.

You got a, you got field Negroes or house Negroes over there.

What's the deal?

Wow.

That's pretty quick.

All right.

I'll be nice this time.

My bad.

What was this called?

What are you calling now?

I was calling the 24-hour food market.

Oh, gosh.

I guess I'll apologize.

Let's assume the fields are running the food.

I'll be like, my bad.

That's kind of why.

Didn't I say earlier my name was Vegas?

Yes.

My name's Vegas.

Honka.

I'm Vegas, man.

Honka.

Very cool.

And all of a sudden, you're like, hello.

Listen, I want to apologize.

I apologize. I was just trying to, you know, I wasn't necessarily making a joke, but I was just trying to come down a certain level with the lady, and I said something that was rude.

So I wanted to first start by apologizing to you and your women there, that I know women are supposed to be talked to nicely, you know?

Alrighty, sir. No problem.

Hey, listen, I had a question. Do you guys have greens there?

Greens, sir?

Yeah.

Like what?

I like Collar Greens, Turnip Greens, the works, whatever.

Collar Green, Turner Green. Collar Green, Turner Green.

Turnip.

Yes, we do.

Okay.

Now, are you able, because I know you're supposed to wash them really well, right?

Yes.

Okay.

So then, if you can find out from one of the ladies over there, do you put in, is it bacon?

Can it be bacon, or can you put in just, does it have to be the piece of ham, the salt pork and all that?

I mean, the lady I was talking to before, I think she might know.

Can you ask her for me?

One second, please.

All right, thanks.

You're so mean.

He wants to know if you put ham hocks or bacon in there.

He said you might know.

Call produce?

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, she said it's on the website and she doesn't know.

She said to call produce, right?

Yeah, she said to either call produce or look in the web.

Can you call produce for me?

There is no one in produce right now.

What's going on with produce?

Is there anybody in the deli department?

Not until 12 o'clock, sir.

Not until 12 o'clock?

Nope.

After 12 o'clock?

They don't?

After 12, he'll be here.

What about, there's no produce is in?

Not until 6 o'clock in the morning.

What about the drug department?

Is there anybody there?

Nope.

No?

Well, then can I talk to the black lady I was talking to?

Because I think, I mean, she probably knows.

She's, she will refuse to talk to you.

Is there any other black lady I can talk to?

No, there's not.

Really?

Is there a black guy?

Hello?

Sir, we are a grocery store.

Yeah, I know, but listen, I went in there, and I bought this stuff,

and the guy was telling me all these things that I can do with the greens.

And you've got a kid over there who doesn't even know what turnip greens are.

And then now I was talking to the lady that was telling me how to do it,

and she hung up the phone on accident, and I just need to talk to her again.

She is very busy at this moment.

Is she checking out a customer?

Yes, we're very busy at this point.

I can wait. That's fine.

I mean, you sound like you're not African-American, right?

No.

Does that matter?

No, because, I mean, I'm not.

Oh, no, I don't know how to.

I've never made collard greens before.

That's what I'm saying.

That black woman, she says she had before.

But can you ask her for me, just ask her if bacon is okay

or if I actually have to put the salt pork in it because I'm not sure.

She knows.

Okay.

Do you have access to the Internet?

No.

Okay.

It's probably not.

It's very busy and it's not able to just like.

But she's right there.

Just holler at her real quick.

Do you put bacon or salt pork in the collard greens?

That's all you've got to ask her.

I'm just asking for her help here.

Please.

All right.

Could you hold, please?

Yes.

Thank you.

Okay.

Of course I don't have the internet.

Ever since they stopped giving AOL free discs, I don't have the internet.

Thank you, everybody else.

Listen to that loud Mac keyboard.

That's how loud it is in the Macs.

It's the AOL keyboard.

Yeah.

I haven't gotten the updated little...

We got a bar in Angola from Herbal Bacon sending a bar in Angola, everybody.

Thank you, everybody, for wishing me a happy birthday.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Tuck, man.

How old are you going to be, 32?

Anyway, who called next?

How can I help you?

Yes, hi.

Is this the African-American lady?

How can I help you?

Okay, I think it sounds like you are.

I'm not sure with the collard greens if I'm supposed to put I have bacon.

I don't cook collard greens, so I wouldn't be able to tell you.

All you have to do is look on the internet, and they can be more than helpful to you and for you.

You sell them here, you're more than welcome to buy them here.

But you probably learned from your mammy, like, if it's salt pork or...

I win, 50 bucks, field!

Definitely field.

Yes, um...

You come out here one more time, I'm going to call the police and they're going to check this car.

I'm just saying, salt pork or...

bacon that's all i need to know right and is there what how do you make okra so it's not so

watery and gooey i know there's a way to do that too do you know that it's breaded right you bread

it do you know how to make a good blueberry cobbler um my mom does hello ma'am she's gone

she's been gone it's african-american all right she's not gonna play anymore she just left the

phone off the hook she ain't she ain't down with us she hung up she left the phone off the hook

Oh, she did.

That's awesome.

Okay, everybody.

Thank you very much for that.

This is Angola.

A bar.

Hello.

What's it costing you?

Four dollars?

It ain't safe, fucker.

I don't know.

Hello.

Is this stupid Angola bar?

The bar in stupid Angola?

Hello.

Is this Angola bar?

Field.

Are you a field Negro or a house Negro, sir?

I called it field.

Fifty bucks.

Sir?

Crazy.

It's five o'clock in the morning.

So what?

but i want to know if you're a field negro or a house negro are you a salad uncle tom or you're

a real man what are you fucking white fucker that's like you fuck you there's angola for you

everybody that's how nice you see how he treated me that's how every angolese angolonian whatever

they're called yeah should be toxic just like that angolonians he's

not connecting.

Try it again.

Herbal Bacon says that's the only place in Angola you can get pizza.

We'll find out about that.

We'll see.

We could just move to Fnet and just use the phone as a chat, but, um.

F?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Angolonian.

Hello, sir, Mr. Donkey.

Why are you there?

Field?

Field.

Field?

I'm not saying anything.

This guy will dump an Angolonian steamer on your pizza, says Herbal Bacon.

Good point.

rbcp says we're not welcome on fmint so you know what you're not welcome here either

rbcp you're white there's negative answer on this one negative negative contact all right

and skype has stopped working according to windows 7 just a moment please all right so we can open

up the uh madhouse conference call telephone number thing if you want uh if there's enough

interest let me know now i'm starting to lose a little bit of gas myself and i'm probably gonna

just queue up a prank call here and uh go ahead and run and maybe get some caffeine in me uh you

downstairs

make a sandwich

things like that

you know

if you give me just a moment

I will take care of that

but if a lot of

if any of you are interested

in starting a conference

call here

we'll do some prank calls

all together

y'all can take turns

and shit

I'll be able to manage it here

and keep things under control

if you're interested in that

let me know

I'll send you the

conference number

and conference ID

and we'll go ahead

and get that going here

and if not

I'll come back

and do some more prank calls

and call it a night

and I think I'm going to go outside

and enjoy that cigar

are perhaps that's what i'll do okay all right continue listening to music here a prank call

will start shortly i'll take a three to four minute break and then we'll be back for more

prank calls or conference whatever happens thank you oh yeah that's right the cost of this call is

two cents per minute i should have called the telemarketers conference is going on now i think

and i should have called that's going to be during the day tomorrow good afternoon this is great

Hey, Kevin, this is Sen.

Hi, Monkey, how are you doing, sir?

Um, how are we going?

I'm good. I wanted to make an order for pickup.

Is there someone there who speaks English who could take my order?

Certainly. What would you like?

No, I like... I don't know, because you have a language barrier, maybe. I don't know.

Is this an English-speaking person?

I'm not really sure what you mean.

No, I'm calling to say I speak English. I'm from the United States.

So, I know I'm calling a different country here.

I just got here on my plane.

But I want to make sure when I'm ordering food that it's a person who speaks, you know, American language

Because I know you probably speak Tasmanian or something like that, so I don't want to, you know

Okay, well, do you understand me now, or?

I understand you now, but I'm saying, do you speak good American English, or are you from, do you just speak Tasmanian?

I don't understand

Well, Tasmanian is English, and American is English

But you're different people, it's a different country here and everything, so I know you speak a different language

No, not so far

Fine. We get American people in here all the time.

Oh, you speak, yeah, like, regular English?

How do you mean?

You speak the President's English, then.

What's the President's English?

Well, the English, the President's proper English, the English that the American people speak.

Okay. Well, I can put you on to the owner, and you can ask her if you like.

Oh, you don't have a man that owns the company there?

A man that owns the company? He's not here at the moment.

Oh, but there is a man in charge of the company, the owner,

because if you're going to put the manager and it's a woman, then I'm a little concerned for the place.

Like that?

Well, you can put her on. I'll see if maybe I can get her to understand, because she's a woman, you know.

Well, I actually perfectly understand you, and if there's a problem, you can give my manager a call if you like.

No, you were going to put on a woman for some reason on the phone, so why don't you do that if you're...

She is the owner of the restaurant, yes.

Yeah, because, I mean, if you can't handle it, maybe, maybe she put me on to...

I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't know. You can put me on to a higher-level woman then.

That's okay. I'm sorry to have bothered you, ma'am.

I'm actually finding it quite offensive, what you're saying, but I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here.

No, you said that you're a woman and you had to put another woman on the phone.

So go ahead, ma'am.

That's okay.

Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, honey.

But is it not what he said?

Why is there an echo?

All right, let me call back.

That was an unnamed contact, according to Google.

Oh, man, I got some ice cream in the freezer.

I think I might get it and eat it.

That sounds like a good idea, Tuck.

My screen.

cream fuck that fucker just doesn't want to pick up the phone anymore son of a bitch son of a

bitch all right let me see if i can find ice cream because i don't move for ice cream all of a sudden

man i just like some ice cream see there's any ice cream in compton there's got to be some 24

hour ice cream up in the hood ice cream maybe not i don't know let me go to google maps and find

something out there in the ghetto if you know the ghetto area of the united states let us know

Give us a cross street in your major town, and if it's a ghetto, we'll look in there for a nice restaurant or something that might be open.

It's super late right now.

We can only really call the West Coast.

I wonder if I got that song.

I might.

I think I have Elvis.

I put in ghetto, and I got so much music.

I got Ice Cube, Ghetto Vet.

Ghetto Vet?

Ghetto Vet.

Oh, like a Corvette, maybe?

Or like a vet, like a veterinarian in the ghetto.

Let's listen to that.

Hang on.

Let's see what that's about.

was that ice cube prank calling was that what that was what was that yeah what a bastard

here's uh here's a little ghetto boy by donnie hathaway i'll have to go to youtube i guess i

don't have elvis uh as much as elvis as i thought i did okay let's call it ghetto get google maps

open here and focus on the ghetto ghetto boy playing in the ghetto street you're gonna do

When you grow up

We got a church's chicken in downtown Detroit

From Herbal Bacon

Let's try this

Not open

We gotta stick to chicken and waffles

That shit'll be open

I'm just saying

That's pretty crazy

Kept asking for the black lady to ask how to make collard greens

That's really fucked, man

Yeah

Dang it, that shit done that ringin'

Jesus Christ

Let me look at waffles up here

We've called Roth

Rothco

We've called Roth

Roth

Ross

Roscoe's before, haven't we?

Isn't that a major chain out there in the Compton area?

What are Roscoe's?

Roscoe's is like a waffle place, a famous waffle place, man.

There's one in Hollywood, I think, and I think there's one right in the ghetto.

That's, like, well-known.

I think I'd be at a Roscoe's, I think.

I think it's Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

I've never had chicken and waffles before.

Have you done that before?

I know you live in a weird part of the country.

Have you ever done that?

I don't think.

Got a Roscoe's House of Chicken in Long Beach.

See if that works.

Barbecue pizza, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I've had that.

Hey, man, do you guys do barbecue stuff there or just, you know, just chicken stuff?

Nah, we just have fried chicken, man.

Okay.

Are they field chickens or house chickens?

House chickens.

They're house chickens?

They're sellouts, so, like, one, if the place catches on fire, then they'll help out more than the master's going to help out, right?

It's house Negroes that are there?

I don't know.

Are you a field Negro or a house Negro, man?

I'm a house.

You're a house Negro?

grow well you got nice man you're wearing nice clothes right yeah man i take these up bitch

you wear nice clothes and you eat the master's food the best of the master's food right yeah

yeah meanwhile the field negro's outside and he gets beat and he gets whipped every day

yeah oh well man and he was he get what part of the chicken you give him tell me shit the

shit part you feed him chicken shit yeah is that what you believe when i go in there you're just

feeding people chicken shit yeah hey tell me the truth who's the manager there right now

I don't know man

Put the stupid manager on the phone

That was going nowhere

That was a bad prank call

Started off okay but

Here's an uppity

Los Angeles place

That's just me though

I don't want an uppity chicken

You don't want an uppity chicken?

Does he live at your house?

On your farm?

You probably do have an uppity chicken

That lives there

Uppity motherfucker chicken

I had an uppity rooster

At my grandma's house

I remember

He was so uppity

I hated that rooster

And one day my uncle

We caught him

I got to trap him

In the garage

I put some corn

in the garage and he finally went in and then i closed the door to the garage and said hey man

i got him and then we killed him my uncle came over broke his neck and then he uh put it in hot

water and boiled out the feathers hello hey how are you listen this one time i know how you make

the chickens there right um i uh i fed some corn to the chicken and i i got him inside the garage

and i closed the garage door so i've got uh the rooster here now what i'm gonna do i'm gonna

break his neck and then what you do is you put him in hot water right and you boil him

The chicken?

Yeah, you boil the chicken in the hot water so you get all the stupid feathers out, right?

Yeah, and then how do you clean the chicken inside?

That's the part I don't know.

Do you know how?

How do you clean the chicken inside after you boil its feathers off?

All right, let me put that on the water.

Okay.

I think this is some really nasty shit now.

It's reminding me of a Saturday Night Live skit, which I want to try to find now.

They had a chicken place that was doing a commercial,

And they explain the process of the chicken from the time it was on the ranch to the, it was slaughtered and processed and then fried up and eaten when you bought it.

And then it goes into your mouth and in your esophagus and into your bile system.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, listen.

Yeah.

I know I took the, I broke the chicken's neck and then I put him in the pot of boiling water so you can get the, that's how you get the feathers off, right?

We don't get feathers off, that's up to the plant.

Yeah, but at this point, then when I'm dead, I've got a boiled chicken with no feathers on it.

So I know I've got to cut the neck off from the neck up.

But how do you clean the inside of the chicken is what I don't understand.

Well, everybody does it differently.

Cut the chicken open.

If you want to cut them open, then clean them out.

What do you clean out?

What parts do you clean out exactly?

Every part that you don't want.

But am I going to see it there, like the khaki and all that?

The what?

Do you see all the guts and the khaki and all that and stuff?

Whatever you don't want, you clean it out.

Do you just throw it down the toilet?

Or the sink.

If that's what you choose to do.

How much do you guys charge to install a chicken?

We don't do that.

You don't install them?

No, we don't do that.

So what do you do with the chickens there?

What's this place?

Hold on a minute, man.

Hold on a minute.

God damn it.

Yeah, you sell the chicken though, right?

Hello?

Wait.

Yeah, what was your question, guy?

Well, so all you do is you make the chicken, right?

So I can buy it?

We make chicken?

We cook chicken.

Yeah, you make...

You want to buy fried chicken?

We can sell you that.

All right, so then...

I can't help you with it.

I mean, you don't know about cleaning the chicken, but you know about, like, I can go there and order chicken, right?

What?

I get the chicken there to eat it.

I was ready to eat, right?

Yeah.

And I put it in my mouth, and it goes down my esophagus into my stomach.

It goes into the stomach.

Yeah.

And then there's a...

It sounds like you're going to have to call the company that makes the chicken.

No, but listen, this is after.

Listen, sir.

Yeah, but what you're talking about, I really can't discuss it that way.

No, but after you, when you make the chicken...

I have another call I have to take.

But listen, this is when you cook the chicken.

And I'm telling you, you call Foster Farms or one of those companies.

No, this is after the merchant.

They would tell you all of that.

You're not listening to me.

Be patient, please, brother.

No, I'm not listening to you because I can't help you.

But I'm not asking about that anymore.

Whatever you're asking about, all I can do is, you want to buy some chicken?

We sell chicken.

Okay.

Well, how much is the six-piece?

That's what I'm asking.

How many pieces?

You got six pieces there or what?

How many pieces do you want to buy?

How many?

A whole truckload, if you wish.

Well, listen, sir.

Let's not get fresh, but do you have a six-piece meal or a five-piece meal?

Either way.

So I can pick as many as I want?

Yeah.

And then, so you've got it cooked and I eat it, right?

That's it.

And anything after that, don't ask me, because I can't help you on that.

It goes down my throat and to the stomach.

I can't help you on that.

There's acids in there, and it breaks down the chicken, and it goes into your guts.

I can't help you on that.

It comes out, and you shit it in the toilet out.

Right?

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Alright, let's call him back. I'm not going to take that.

No real boss time.

I'm going to ask him how long from when I eat the chicken

do I take a shit in the toilet.

It's because I don't know.

I don't know why I'm going to ask that, but it's in my head now.

How long after I eat the chicken

do I have to take a shit in the toilet?

What a fucking night, man.

What a fucking night.

Yeah, how long after you eat the chicken

how long until you have to take a shit in the toilet?

Let's call it on.

Okay.

Yeah, hi.

Yeah.

Can I help you?

Yeah, six-piece chicken, right?

Six-piece chicken?

No, no.

Five-piece?

Say, Steve's chicken?

No, chicken.

You got six-piece chicken, fried chicken?

Yeah.

All right, can you put me down for that?

Put you down for five pieces of chicken?

Six pieces of chicken, not five.

You want six pieces of chicken?

Yes.

All right, come in and pick it up.

No, I'm making an order.

I don't want to have to stand there with those people.

Okay, you want six pieces of what part?

Dark meat.

Huh?

The dark meat.

The what?

Dark only?

Dark meat only?

You want wings, thighs, breasts, or legs?

But last time I checked, the wings were white meat, right?

They're not dark meat?

Is there something new?

I didn't know what you said.

You want dark meat or white meat?

Dark meat.

Okay, you want dark meat, no problem.

Okay, and after I ate the six pieces, how long until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

That's up to you.

You check your digestive system, okay?

Is there an average time to make it go to shit in the toilet?

Yeah, probably about two years.

How's that?

That's bad chicken, then.

Right.

In two years, you can't wait that long.

I don't know what to tell you.

Call Kentucky Fried Chicken and see what they say.

You said some field Negro?

All right.

Cool.

Damn field Negro is all up in it.

All right.

How does he know that I don't call Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think someone sent it to Kentucky.

Someone sent it to KFC.

No, you know, I went by an old one here in Orlando,

and it still had no KFC outside.

It still said Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I was like, damn.

It was all faded.

It was still open, though, and it was in the black part of town.

It was on that side of the train tracks, if you know what I mean.

All right, Herbal sent the number for Popeye's Chicken and Watts.

Let's try them.

They got to be open in Watts, dude.

They cluck and shake when their feathers are plucked, but when you pluck their feathers, they shake.

Yeah, hi, listen.

Do you do the pieces?

Do they come, like, three, five, or four, six?

We have a two-piece, a three-piece.

Yeah, that's nice.

That's nice.

I like that.

What's up with you?

How do you make an order there?

Can you make an order before or do you just have to come in?

You have to come in.

You don't take, like, reservations or anything?

No, not here.

So, do you say that two-piece?

Can I get that two-piece dark, right?

Just dark meat?

Yeah.

Does that come with any sides?

One side order and one biscuit.

Let me get this right.

A two-piece meal would come with the one side and the one biscuit?

Yep.

And how long after I eat that do I take a shit in the toilet?

Shit, I don't know.

ask your mama how long does it take you shit i don't know ask your mama good point

she got a point there you go that's it that's the that's this episode's title maybe there's

another contender we should start asking people at the end of the show to give us the phrase of

the night the phrase of the day and that's what we'll make it name the show title there you go

ain't gonna answer now you see what i mean they just pick up and hang up they're smart they do

Do work with tools over there, those people.

All right, Noonan, what'd you send?

McDonald's in Cardiff, Wales.

A woman answered.

And since I'm speaking, this is someone who can speak Welsh.

Do people like...

Is there actually...

There isn't actually a Welsh language, is there?

Is there?

I think there is, right?

Don't they speak the...

Yeah, there is.

That's not a good idea.

I'm going to be like...

All right, let's do it.

This is some Welsh prank calls.

I think this is the first in internet Welsh prank calling right here.

this call is to...

Another first for you. Madhouse Radio.

Breaking down barriers in the prank call scene.

McDonald's, can I get a case?

Yes, sir. I insist to speak to someone

who speaks Welsh. Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Chicago, Illinois.

And what's it about?

I need to speak to someone who speaks Welsh only.

I only speak Welsh. Do you know you can do

to McDonald's?

Yeah, I'm calling to get some information

because I'm in town, but I need

to speak to someone who speaks Welsh only.

That's the only person... There's no one here that speaks Welsh.

Do you speak...

Not fluently, anyway.

Isn't this Wales?

Yeah, so there's no one here to speak Welsh fluently.

How sad is it that I'm in a country of Wales and people don't even speak the stupid language here?

What does that say about you, honey?

You're a sellout Uncle Tom.

She hung up already.

I'm going to call her back.

Complain.

She's a sellout Uncle Tom.

Come on, man.

How are you not going to speak the language?

I think that...

There is a Wales.

I guess there is a Welsh language.

That's all good.

All right, dragging taxis in Newport, South Wales.

Let's do it.

My blood.

Yeah, I only speak Welsh.

Is there a Welsh speaker there?

They don't like that at all, Nunu.

Am I offending them somehow?

There's some American guys saying that shit.

They get pissed.

Yes, hi.

Do you speak Welsh?

No.

Is there anyone there that does?

No.

I can.

Good for you.

Bye.

What am I supposed to do with that, Nunu?

That's your idea.

I sound like a retarded chicken.

Good morning is Boradar.

What the fuck is that?

Boradar.

Tom Jones is Welsh.

So they should respond to this.

I'm Tom Jones.

Is he the most famous Welshman ever?

Who else is Welsh?

Is James Bond from Wales?

I think he is.

Isn't he Welsh?

Just start the car with Boradar.

You fucking Africans.

Hi, trucking.

Boradar.

What is she saying?

and she is cursed Manuel, she heard her

that's how they talk, the nasties

angry blacks

yes hi, I'd like to reserve a taxi please

where from?

I'm going to be flying from Chicago, Illinois

and what time?

it's tomorrow

around 1.04am

I'd like to have a vehicle come pick me up

and then the temperature in Wales

is the temperature is set centric the system as soon as an operator becomes free hello

fuck this just threw me on a plane i'm paying money international call hello

i already called i ruined it with a taxi place no no i'm sorry find me more welsh numbers and

i'll continue on that theme that's fun got a liquor store in gary indiana looks depressing

according to herbal bacon let's call it yeah hi what's going on sister how you doing hello

I wanted to see what you had available there

As far as spirits and liquors

Is that okay or am I calling

Do you think I'm a creditor or something

Do you presume I'm a creditor or something like that

No a creditor is going to call this time of night

Yeah I know that's what I'm saying

Hey is there someone there

Who could tell me if you have certain

I got three items that I need

Just to get a total on it

We can't get prices over the phone

Why not

Um, you gotta check with the owner

I'll just work it

Well, can you tell me the shit's in?

Can you tell me the stupid shit is in?

Why would I say that?

How crass of me, Tuck

Wow, I'll call it back and apologize

I always make it right

I forgot, I was supposed to call Tuck Walsh to her

I was gonna call her

Can't get credit, buy furniture

Cause you're black

hello this is mcdonalds

boradar

what the fuck

that was gay

with the gh

he's broken english

Yes, can you make

Someone speak in Welsh

Please

The only way I know

Broken English is to speak like a fucking spick

Is that gonna work?

I don't like this

No, no, this makes me scared.

The car's just calling, too.

Just a minute.

Hello, Jack-in.

Yes, I'd like to get a taxi machine, please.

Where from?

From the airport, Welsh airport.

We'd need it prepaid.

Wales International Airport.

How would you make that?

Do you use JCB card or Sears Master Charge?

Credit card.

We take credit cards.

Except Amex.

All right, I'll give you the...

Okay, that's fine.

I don't have Amex.

I have a credit...

Major credit card I have.

Hang on a second.

Yes?

We're delivering an unusually high number of calls to our company,

but are working to connect you to it.

I'm going to pay with a serious card, everybody.

Hold it.

Stop.

A lot of Americans keep calling in.

Carfit Airport?

Okay.

Cardiff.

Cardiff or Carfit?

Thank you for holding.

A member of our staff will attend to you as soon as possible.

All right, thank you, Buzzard and Ms. T3 Clay.

I should start flirting with her, talking about my high limit.

Hello?

She's just hung up because you hear me laughing, or she's sitting...

I'm going to complain about people hanging up on me like that.

Don't do that to me, I'm a car fucking leader.

Damn, that's what I get for talking.

I should meet myself when I'm doing these things.

Good night, bitch.

This call is two cents per minute.

Hello, Dragon.

Yes, hi, I was following up on the taxi machine.

I was trying to get prepaid.

Okay, have you got nothing better to do with your time?

No, I was calling to make a taxi machine for Cardiff Airport.

Pick me up tomorrow.

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Yeah, it's going to require prepayment.

But I'm telling you, I've got to pay with a credit card.

I don't understand what the problem is here.

Yeah, that's fine.

That's not a problem.

What time is it you arrive in?

Do you charge extra for after hours?

Because I think the flight comes in at 1.04 in the morning.

1.04, okay.

Is there a separate charge for after hours or dead miles or anything like that?

No, it's exactly the same.

Okay. Perfect. Thank you.

Okay. What time, where are you going to when we pick you up?

I'm going to be at the terminal that JetBlue comes out of.

Do you know, I think that's the Blue Terminal is what they call it there.

But where are we taking you to?

You're taking me to the hotels, the Radisson.

I understand it's about three miles away from the airport.

No, that's incorrect. It's a lot further than that.

Is it really? How much further? These people.

It's about another 15 miles.

That's not going to be too bad then.

And how much is the charge for that for prepay?

If you prepay, it's going to be 50 pounds in total.

What's that in euro?

We don't do euros.

But you're in the European Union.

Doesn't matter.

I'm sorry.

I would charge a pound sterling.

You're in the European Union, as far as I understand, and you're required to accept.

Well, so then you're saying that I can only pay with a credit card then?

You can pay by credit card, and we do it in pound sterling.

Oh, but it won't come out in euro then.

It's going to come out in pounds.

Yes.

You don't have any idea how many pounds to the dollar, do you?

No, not at the moment. I don't know the exchange rate.

I think there might be an exchange rate.

Okay, well, whenever you're ready, I will give you my Sears Master Charge number

for you to put through the computer machine.

Yes, what is the number?

It's 3790-22003.

Yes.

That's it.

No, that's not a credit card number.

That's my Sears Master Charge.

No, this credit card number is 16 numbers long.

That's like a Visa or MasterCard, but you said that you take everything but American Express.

No, every credit card number is 16 numbers long.

You said it was everything but American Express.

We don't accept American Express.

But you said that, but I'm not giving you an American Express number.

I'm giving you the Sears MasterCard, and it's accepted as Sears and Kmart.

We don't accept American Express. I'm afraid you'll have to ring back.

I didn't say, so do you accept Visa then?

We accept Visa, yeah.

All right, I'll give you that number.

Okay.

All right, it's 4233.

5-1-1-2.

The code on the back is 75.

An expiry date?

It expires December of...

And I'll hold for the confirmation number, please,

because I want to make sure that I'm picked up on time

and that there's no excuses.

Thank you. I'll hold. Thank you.

One second.

Watch this.

You don't know my credit card number.

I was reading random numbers off my desktop.

There you go.

Lies.

Well, go ahead and put it through, Buzz,

just like this lady is.

Go nuts.

And for some miraculous reason, I got it right.

Holy balls.

Man, am I in trouble.

You're right. I did look up my number.

I'm sorry, so that car's come up with a decline.

What did you read?

Can you read it back?

Maybe you missed a number.

No, it's come up with a decline.

I've put in the correct number.

I tried it twice.

Well, can you please read it back?

Maybe you got a wrong digit.

I don't understand.

Yeah, 4-2-3-3-1-2.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not 4-2.

No, that's the number you just did.

It's 1-2.

Let's see, I'll try it again.

In the K, and then December, hang on.

She's not listening, because I gave her the wrong expiration date.

I'm going to keep her making it back and forth.

You guys really wrote that down

You're assholes man

You guys are real dickheads

You guys don't stop

You guys are on top of things

New egg took the card just fine

Well at least we got this lady to do something now

Mrs. Eska about the chicken and the shit

Come on take a shit in the toilet

I'm sorry say that

I'm a little embarrassed

I just made those numbers up

I don't really have a credit card number

Yeah, I know that.

So did you put it through twice?

Well, you think we're fucking stupid or something?

You stupid bitch.

What did you say?

I might have put it through three times for nothing.

Yeah, I'm a rebel.

Getting ready to end the show pretty soon.

It's 1.18 a.m.

We've been on, I've been on, wow, 10, 3 hours, 20 minutes.

Man, just thinking about it makes me want to yawn.

We missed an incoming call.

And we got a new voicemail.

I don't know, it was boop.

Someone said boop really loud.

RBCP and Jenner Ops now.

They're going to do a hostile takeover of Madhouse Radio.

We're almost done here.

Let me do like one or two more pranks.

See if I can get new numbers.

If not, we'll call it a night.

Cool.

Call all the new news numbers as far as I know.

So I'll close that out.

We got the Welch Castle here from Herbal Bacon.

All right, I'll try that.

I don't think this ain't going to work.

This is Welch Castle.

One ring left.

Can I terminate the call, please?

And that's it.

All right, folks, that's the end of my time.

I only pay for three hours on Cacti Radio.

radio tuck's website is tuckermike.com my website is uh madhouse live.com cacti radio.com

phone losers got their website phone loser is it phone loses that org isn't it yeah i know i just

i got the shit bookmarked and i i just i type p-h-o-n and it comes up in my google chrome like

hey there it is i don't bother remembering shit what i gotta do that for this is fucking

in 2000 fucking 10 everyone just goes to google and searches it remember shit for it like that

i had found here earlier hang on let me find i i found the outro music we used to use here all

the time where the shit go you know the um the the funky chimes i had found it let me go to my

recently played i played it right when we were starting up let's see nirvana nirvana

j electronica oasis what what this isn't right the right order here played a lot there we go

all right let's go back the beastie boys am i going back in time no i'm going forward 820

dray fidel castro speech you played that uh the green zone dvd no that's not it that's a movie i

was watching oh man i can't find it now yeah fuck let me see which one it is eucalyptus no

sars perilla red number 40 no it's none of these i can't find it i had found it right when we were

was getting ready to start the show. They tested things and it

came up. I guess not. I don't remember

what the name of it is. Maybe MSU3 Clay

remembers. It had a name. It had a fucking name.

Some special name. Let me see.

Burdock. It's not the

root. I'm trying. I just

don't remember. I really want to hear it now. It's one

of those things. Dragon's Blood. Was it this? No, it wasn't

that. Can't be. I think I stuck it at

the end. Yeah, it is what I did. Hang on.

I got it now. Whorehound. Aha!

Found it. Finally, bitch.

Thank you very much for listening, everybody.

This has been Madhouse Radio for

Or the evening of Thursday through Friday of August 19th through 20th.

I've got to do this one.

BBC, Nuneson in the last one here.

BBC, the office for the BBC.

And he said I should check to see if they have their toilet license.

Okay, cool.

Absolutely the last call of the night.

I'm going to end the show as soon as this call is over.

Thank you everyone for listening.

We'll be back next week.

I'll try to make an effort to do an early notification for everybody

so you know when we're going to do the show.

This is BBC.

Hi, this is the BBC Switchboard.

Yes, hi, this is BBC One.

This is the BBC Intel Switchboard.

Okay, well, I'm calling from the riot in Manhattan.

I'm supposed to be put on the air.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm calling from the riot in Manhattan.

This is Jack Valente.

Yeah, I know who you are and where you're calling from.

What I'm asking is which program are you ringing for?

I'm supposed to be live on the news program.

I guess it's BBC One.

I don't know, whatever the urgent news would be on.

Presumably it would be News 24 Breakfast then.

Okay, can you get me through, please?

Yeah, baby, she won't.

I'll transfer you through.

Thank you.

It's very good for you now.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God.

It's Captain Jack's moment here.

I hope someone's recording BBC now.

Kelly on.

Kelly on News.

Hello.

Nothing.

This is the theme song of News 24 right here.

It is, man.

That'd be awesome.

This is BBC News 24.

Hey, what?

Stop that.

Came up and called back.

Come on, man.

I thought I was going to do the News Desk.

That'd have been awesome.

Mark, BBC Switchboard.

Yes, I was being transferred to News 24.

This is Jack Valente.

I'm calling from the news van in Manhattan from the riot.

Was it Jack Valente?

Yes.

You're late one moment for me.

There's a news van here.

Yeah, I'm inside the news van now.

There's a riot in downtown New York, Manhattan.

I'm supposed to go on the air ASAP.

New York.

Lovely.

I'll be one moment.

I do need to announce the car.

Thank you.

They're starting fires on the road already.

Oh, no.

I see Zoj.

He looks scared, man.

I see Zoj.

Don't do that.

Just do that.

And a bubba booey to you all.

Hi, Jack.

Thanks very much for holding for me.

I've just spoken to a colleague that you were speaking to previously.

He did get through to breakfast to advise him that you were on the phone.

And they've asked, have you got a name of anyone you're meant to be talking with?

Because they've got no recollection of any interview that's going down.

They said I was supposed to speak with a Mr. Hunt and a Miss Taylor.

I don't know.

I'm from America.

I don't know.

I just was told I was supposed to speak to, I don't know.

It's getting pretty dangerous here, like, to be honest with you.

I can't stay here for a long time.

We're going to have to move the van back pretty soon because they're lighting cars on fire.

Right, okay.

One moment again for me.

Obviously, I can only put you through, so let me take the car over.

Oh, Jesus.

One moment again.

Oh, my God.

They're getting really close.

Back the van up a little bit because I'm not going to...

There's no way to make explosions in the background.

I wish I had my other laptop set up.

I would.

And they disconnected.

Oh, well.

Well, whatever.

I tried.

Maybe one day we'll be lucky enough to pull off a jinx.

All right, we're out of here.

That's it.

I said I was out when the law was out, and I'm out.

Can't say I didn't try.

Maybe it'll go viral on the Internet anyway.

Maybe someone will tweet it over there at old BBC.

President Barack Obama will have to come on with that blind mayor guy, Governor Patterson.

He was a governor, I guess, right?

The blind mayor named Governor Patterson.

Governor Patterson will fall down, fly the stairs, and he's blind.

Everyone will laugh.

And it's cool because he won't know who was laughing at him.

Yeah, I think she might have heard me when I laughed.

It chuckled there a little bit.

She might have heard me.

Oh, well, I screwed it up.

We'll wait.

We'll try in a few months.

I've clothed my cats in here.

I've got to go.

Bye!

Calls (30, 1 h 13 min of 2 h 19 min)

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