I Don’t Have-A Diabetes

You know what? I have four houses.

And I don't need, but you know, you're very sarcastic, you know?

I don't want to deal with that.

But you said $1,000. Do you want me to write you a check?

You know, because you're the one telling me that I have a diabetes.

Well, it's not true. You know what I mean?

Okay.

Because if you want to prove it, you know, you want to be with me

to prove that I don't have a diabetes, okay?

Well, you're speaking to someone in Holland.

Yes, so what? How come you speak English? What's that about?

You think you're smart?

I'm educated. Bye.

You sound like a monkey.

Who the fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Motherfucker!

Everybody, Carlito on the air, Madhouse Radio turns again.

Thank you everybody who's tuning in tonight.

Fun things planned for the night.

I'm here in studio by myself.

Milfan was going to try to make it tonight.

I'm trying to get a hold of him all night, and he's just not cooperating, not speaking to me.

Taka's unavailable.

He's busy with some art stuff.

I'm having trouble with the audio quality.

I've been working on that for a few days now.

The audio quality in, what's it called?

Ustream.

And I have noticed in the recordings that it's choppy, usually.

If you're watching in the Ustream channel right now, let me know, please.

If you're getting a lot of choppy audio, I have no idea what will be causing it.

I've been working on it, but it's not easy.

I don't know if it's just the quality that I haven't set to it.

I set it to the lowest possible setting to see if it helps it out.

Maybe I'm running too much on my computer.

at one time shouldn't be the problem three gigs of ram should be enough on that server we're trying

to do here again that's the audio on the uh on the ustream feed only not on the shellcast the

shellcast is fine i don't know if maybe it's too loud i'm gonna try to bring it down let me know

that's improvement what i've done here now put an echo see if it does here i'm gonna turn the music

down see what it does test test test see that test test one two three four five six seven yeah it

does chop up ah it's nasty broadcast all right refresh your stuff see if it works better new

scene i need a lot of bandwidth to broadcast images of someone that fat thank you very nice

guess who i'm not paying attention to for the rest of the show you got it you guessed it right

got a number here for the steam donkey we haven't called that we called that place years ago

eddie garcia called them no team speak oh yeah that's right i forgot the team speak before tuck

is inaccessible tonight we try to call milkman again but i call him five times straight he did

did not answer either of the five times at 250 what's going on man how you doing see you big

what's up to everyone in the chat room on all our chat rooms we got several chat rooms out there

password if anybody at this place starcraft 2 let me know how far how many campaigns are there in

starcraft 2 because i only got like i think i'm at the next to last campaign i've only done 23 of

them 23 episodes or 23 battles in the campaign is there only a terran campaign in it is there not

Not a Protoss or a Zerg campaign also like in the first one and the expansion?

How do they do it?

The Dead checking in.

What's up, The Dead?

Nice to see you.

How are you doing there, Big Steven?

J-Rat sent in a prank request.

A request to prank, so to call.

Caustic explaining, it's all broken up into episodes.

So Blizzard makes more goals.

Yeah, but I mean, I know there are three expansions coming out.

But they're not like, they didn't decide to like, the first one is the Terran and the second expansion is the Protoss campaigns.

because that's bullshit god damn it and he's saying to quit playing games and impregnate my

wife sounds like cossack's confirming that now that's the case that's retarded that's stupid

because the first starcraft k had three campaigns you had the terran the zerg and the protoss and

then brood war came out and he had more terran zerg and protoss uh campaigns i just left this

with just the one brendan is sending in numbers new news working on numbers i suppose kokanee's

in the house andy's checking in rbcp baz uh corrupt corruption is in there one of the few

owners uh well no we we sold out the first run the first uh printing first press what do you call

it the first press of the uh madhouse cd i need a link that uh hollywood vanya put a link uh in

the forums to that cd how's your fat ass doing the one that i and i worked on hollywood did some

some editing for, and printing,

and Tuck designed the artwork for.

I gotta add a link on our site

for people to get that free prank call

so that you can download it.

But if you go on our forums,

madhouselive.com forward slash forums,

or just go to madhouselive.com,

go to the forums fucking place,

and there you can see the link

to How's Your Fat Ass Doing.

Great CD.

Award winning.

The most sold CD of its kind

ever in the history of prank calls.

Amuse, Grishnav, holding it down.

The Dead, of course, as I said before.

C-Nut, also known as Cunt

Costico we talked about, he's a gaming nerd

Baz, I think I already mentioned him

Big Baz, alright, let's get to show

Let's get to pranks, let me get some numbers up here

Let's see what Brendan is sending in

First China Kitchen, let's give them a call

I got pissed off today, I went to buy a pizza

And I got changed back

When I went to the store to pick up my unsweet iced tea

Guess what I saw was in the change

Instead of a dime, the guy gave me a

Fucking ferry pass

Like, you know, a ferry, the kind that you, you know

know ride on the water to get somewhere when your car is walking i mean i can understand putting a

canadian dime in there on accident but this thing looked nothing like a dime like the minute i i

felt under my pocket i was like wait a minute this is not fucking what what what is this uh it looked

to me like a showbiz pizza token for a second i was like what the fuck is this shit this isn't

fair and what do you do in that situation i mean i'm so tired that's happened to me you know and

the last time that it happened to me i went to burger king and i got a canadian dime bag no it

It was a Bahamian dime from the Bahamas.

And I got upset about it.

I was cool.

And I said, you know what?

And the next day, I tried to pay with a dime.

And the girl in the drive-thru cash register, the one who gave it to me the day before, said, oh, no, I can't take this one.

This isn't a real dime.

This isn't an American dime.

And I told her, I said, yeah, you gave it to me yesterday.

She said, oh, no, I don't think I would have done that.

Playing Bone Thugs-N-Harmony tonight

I don't know why

I couldn't think of anything else

If you have an artist

That you want to bring up

That I should play just tonight

Let me know

This is a different version of this song

This is the first time I hear this MP3

This is way different than I remember on the CD

Whatever

Alright, we're calling a Chinese restaurant

Just a moment

Passing in a number in Amsterdam

Good deal, we'll do that too

The first prank call that I usually throw away.

Uh, for sure.

Yeah, hey, what's going on there, big girl?

Huh?

Hey, there's a phone problem over there.

Hello?

What was that?

Is there a phone problem over there or something?

Oh, should you hear it?

What was it?

No, is there a phone problem over there?

No.

Now, why did the phone ring so many times before you picked it up?

Take my order.

Okay.

No, it rang how many times, you know?

I heard, like, three times.

No, it was a little more than that.

It rang eight times the first time I hung up and I called back, and it rang three times.

It's 11 times total.

Maybe someone's on the phone, because I only heard that three times.

Yeah?

Who else is running the phone over there, maybe?

Yeah.

Hmm?

Uh-huh.

Who else runs the phone over there, though?

I want to know about the phone.

AT&T.

It's just you?

This is Verizon, I think.

Yeah, but the woman answered the phone, right?

Right now?

That's not Verizon, right?

That's AT&T, yeah.

No, can you ask her?

Why are you asking about the lady?

I don't understand.

What's going on?

Because she's got a problem with the phone.

She doesn't know how to use it, maybe, I'm thinking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think that's what the problem is?

Yeah.

Well, you put her back on the phone then so I can talk to her?

She's wrong.

She's what?

This is a lady at work.

Do you want to talk to her?

Yeah, yeah, put her on.

She don't understand English that much.

Can I help you?

But why does she answer the phone then?

I don't know why.

She can take it.

Yeah, the simple orders.

Oh, okay.

Like the numbers and stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah, because I heard numbers are the same in Vietnam, where you're from in Vietnam,

the same numbers.

Uh-huh.

I think the problem with the phone is there's too much noise in the back over there.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Right?

So you don't order something or what?

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

What do you got?

We have a combo here.

Yeah, you got number four?

Huh?

You got the number four?

Yes.

All right, go ahead and put me down for the number four.

Uh-huh.

Anything else?

Does that come with the free soda after I spend more than a certain amount of money?

Oh, sorry.

No, we don't have a special here.

You don't have?

What kind of specials do you got there?

Uh, we have this.

We have a coupon.

We have four figures.

If you have a coupon on review, like $12 purchase.

What does it do exactly?

What's the coupon do?

If you have a coupon for $12 or more purchase, you can get four free e-goos.

Where do I get that coupon?

At a WAP supermarket.

Can you get any copies of it there?

No, I don't.

Sorry.

Yeah.

I'm sure you people have some stupid limit on how many coupons you can use at once, right?

What limit?

You probably have some stupid limit to the number of coupons you can use at one time, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So?

So you want number four?

Can you be here to pick it up?

I'll be there in a little bit.

What time are you open until?

9 o'clock.

All right, go ahead and make that.

I'll be there around 8.30.

Okay.

Yeah, but I want you to make it now.

I don't want it to be late.

Number four, it took me like two minutes to make.

It's just rice and vegetables.

No, but just in case, just in case.

Wait, what do you mean rice and vegetables?

Number four, right?

Yeah, it's beef and broccoli.

No, that's not number four.

Well, it is in my menu that I got here.

Yeah, I think I'm in the wrong place.

No, but you people are all the same.

you all look the same

and everything

yeah

it seems like

you more

want to cause trouble

than ordering

and what's that about

yeah

what's that about

what do you mean

by you people

you have a problem with that

no because you people

look the same

same menu

I mean it's all the same

same food

stupid food

so why don't you

fucking call another place

fucker

don't talk to me like that

fuck you man

stop calling here

that's not nice

Andy's speculating

it sounds better

when there's no music

going on

really

that's queer

maybe the music's too loud

Is the music too loud?

Let me play music without it being so loud.

Alright, I'll call back.

Took the battery out of the cordless phone, is what it sounded like.

Let me try to call him from the other line then.

Anything in the news we could talk about?

Other than StarCraft.

Funny enough, over on Facebook, Dr. Lego just posted,

does anybody want to play StarCraft 2?

It's a StarCraft night.

I might just end the show and play StarCraft, you know?

No, I'm not seeing the fucking thing to answer it.

What the hell?

It's not coming up.

Try it again.

Got it.

It's being controlled by Trillion, which I don't, I hate it when that happens.

Where another guy's looking and he's like, well, it has the same area code.

Is it the same guy?

Oh, maybe not.

Maybe I answer a phone.

Maybe not.

Nunu's been on a kick, uh, over the last name Dick.

What is it?

Dickshit in India.

Apparently it's a popular, uh, last name in, in India.

Dickshit.

And we got a number in Cupertino, but I did promise we're going to call a number first.

another one from Baz

in Amsterdam. Let's give that a call, and then we'll

call the Indian guy. Alright, Nunu,

someone sent in a number in Sydney,

and I just closed it on accident.

Listener, whoever sent in a number in Sydney,

Australia, I think, or just said Sydney,

please resend that, because I closed

it on accident. There it is. I got it again.

It's Baz.

Sydney Sexual Health Center.

Alright. Loeb Hotel in Amsterdam.

One moment.

Things might be a little better in the second hour

with the show

Lonesome Loser

will be in the house

he'll be here around

11pm you said

around that time

I might take a break

brew some coffee

wait a minute

what country is

Amsterdam in again

embarrassing

Amsterdam

I gotta think

gotta think

what country is

Amsterdam in

Netherlands

that's where it is

it's late alright

it's my Saturday

that's why I didn't know it

I don't know how

breaking this is

but corrupt

is talking about

corrupt

corrupt corruption

as I mentioned

that Greg Giraldo

apparently died this morning

where did I hear

hear someone talking about greg giraldo i want to say they were talking about him on the howard

stern show yesterday i think it was yesterday who they had a comedian in howard stern uh yesterday

who was that pretty decent size not a huge comedian but it was a comedian nonetheless

somebody called but yeah greg giraldo's dead he was on all those roasts it didn't seem like the

drug-taking kind of guy apparently was uh an overdose that's crazy though funny funny fucking

guy man i i love those uh i love those fucking um roach that he did that sucks accidental od

they're calling it see here see what happened christian medicine accidental overdose so does

that mean what is i mean does anybody really mean to overdose i mean i mean you know when you when

you kill yourself that's an overdose but if you're trying to get high if you're doing drugs

and you overdose is that still an accidental overdose or was it an abusive overdose how's

that work because accidental overdose to me is like i thought i was taking my vitamins and i

I took 50 Ambien instead and killed myself on accident.

That's an accidental overdose.

The doctor in the hospital gave me too much of the wrong medicine and it killed me.

That's an accidental overdose.

RBCP did send me some numbers.

He's been doing this thing.

I did get them.

He's asking me now.

I did get them.

But actually, I may need you to resend that, as a matter of fact.

RBCP's been on this thing.

He's been going on the various social networks like Facebook and Twitter, etc., etc.,

and seeing people that are bitching about the fact that they hate their jobs.

I mean, we all hate our jobs, but I wouldn't recommend everybody going out online and doing that.

But apparently, he finds out their phone number, more information about them, calls them,

tells them he's calling from the company they work for, and they're going to be fired for slandering, etc., etc.

Is it that they're working for them, or is it that they're just bitching about the place?

I'm going to get the different email address that I need that I'm locked into right now here to RBCP.

We're going to play a prank call in the meantime

We're starting kind of slow

It's okay, I promise

Things will improve themselves

Where are my babies?

Milkman had a lot of good ideas for the show

Where we were talking the other day

He said we should stick to a structure

Structure things a little better

Talk about news and do only a few pranks

The first hour, the second hour

Do a lot of pranks

Third hour, do conference pranks

With people listening

Being able to call in, stuff like that

Maybe that's something we could do

I don't know.

All right, I'm looking at a phone call here.

Fried chicken and watermelon.

I don't want to play that.

That one's kind of weak.

We'll do the red dots.

We'll do it with a goodie.

You guys have a Cohiba?

Cohiba's there?

Yes, we do have a Cohiba red dots.

You have the red dots?

Yeah.

You're not supposed to have the red dots, though.

Why?

Because they're from Cuba.

No, those are from Philly banking.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I just came back from a cruise, and I went to Barbados,

and they explained the whole thing to me.

The Red Dots are from Cuba, and then the other ones are from the Dominican Republic.

And if you have the cigars that are from Cuba, you're going to get in trouble.

Now, I snuck some in.

You know what I did?

I took the bands off, and I put them in my luggage.

I didn't find them.

No, no, Habib.

No, Habib.

Hand me the cigars from the Dominican Republic.

I'm not your love.

I got your phone number.

You know that?

What do you want?

I want you to meet...

It's from the Dominican Republic.

You don't understand?

No.

Red Dots are from Cuba, you bastard.

It's here, Cuivre, Red Dot, San Diego, L.A., Republic, Dominica.

How is San Diego?

It's called Living Kings.

San Diego is not in...

It's called Taylor, and do you want me to show you a voice?

Bring me your ID and come.

I'm going to report you to the naturalization, and they're going to take you away, Habibi.

Habibi?

Mm-hmm, yeah, Olmec is right here.

Olmec is here with me right now, your mother.

Who?

Your mother, Olmec, right here.

Who?

I'm going to call, I got your number, can I call right away, police, you are harassing us.

I'm putting a report, you have illegal Cuban cigars.

When I come in, I have everything legal 100%, here, it's in the shelf.

I have proof here that you have Cuban cigars there, so you try to sell me, right now, you try to sell me illegal Cuban cigars.

I'm trying to sell, I have Cuban cigars from...

From Cuba.

Hey buddy, how you doing?

Yeah, who's this?

Yeah, this is Valente. Look, I want to apologize. I think you're right.

The red dots are from Dominican Republic. It's the yellow ones that are from Cuba, right?

Well, you know what? This now belongs to the police.

Belongs to the police.

I'm not controlling that, Kokani. I don't know why it's not coming through. Let me see.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Yeah, hello. My name is Bruce. I'm calling you from Fry's Electronics.

Just calling for Mr. Angina Kumar, just in response to some bad service you apparently got at one of our locations.

If you could kindly return my call at your earliest convenience so that we can hopefully see if we're able to make your experience any better.

Thank you very much for choosing Fry's Electronics.

You have yourself a great night.

I forgot my phone number for a moment there, so I'm going to leave it.

That's okay.

No, but I just want to let you know that I'm dropping.

Yeah, I'm dropping.

Listen.

Yeah, Koken, this happened last week.

Tuck is the one that set up the chat room in the TeamSpeak, in Ted's TeamSpeak,

and it was muting me on purpose by default, and he did something to fix it.

I don't know.

I don't know how to fix it back, but I did create a new room last time,

and it let me fix that problem.

Let me try that.

Koken, I'm going to make a room called Madness, and you go in there, all right?

Look for that room that's called Madness.

Same password that we use here.

Listen, I'm dropping the case.

I'm dropping the case against you because you were right and I was wrong.

It's the yellow bands that are from Cuba, not the red dots, right?

Right?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, would you please come to the store?

Why?

Well, you're going to hurt me.

You're going to threaten me.

You're ready to threaten me.

No, I'm not.

No, no, no.

The police officer, he want to come here now.

What time?

No, I don't know.

He can call me right now.

Oh, you want to call me back?

I don't want to deal with you, man.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know you, and you've been harassing me, saying bad words in Arabic.

And that's, you know, I'm going to sue you.

Habibi, Habibi, Habibi, listen.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

I am 100% here with the law, and the police officers love them.

I have contact with everyone.

Wait a minute.

So they're going to take care of everything.

Shiraz, listen.

If you're guilty, you're going to plead guilty.

Shut up, listen.

No, no, no, not guilty, not guilty, not guilty.

What are you going to do when I show up?

Are you going to cut my hand off with a sword?

Is that what you're going to do?

No, no, no.

I'm not going to do anything.

I just called police officers.

Are you going to be head mean in front of the town square, in front of everybody?

No, thanks.

No, no.

No, when you say you're with Allah, you're 100%.

I am trying to talk.

Thank you very much.

I'm trying.

Caustic, we're laying a number from MBI shop in the PLA chat room.

An FBI phone number.

Sounds like a great idea.

That reminds me.

I see Zolar is online.

I don't know if he's listening to the show, Mr. Zolar.

Zolar. Notice on Facebook

today, he did mention that he's planning

on broadcasting again.

The first

thing I want to say is, fuck yeah.

Zolar coming back.

But, hold your

applause. But, I notice

he mentioned he wants to go on Battlecam,

which is a site that we tried to go on

about two months ago. I don't know if they've

improved. When it first came out, it was really shitty.

Really shitty quality.

Second of all, there was a bunch of asshole jerks on there.

They sent me a number.

what was it for like the fbi in miami or something like that and it pissed me off and i banned them

um apparently it's kind of cool like um i don't know it's it's a site where it's kind of like you

stream but uh you put yourself in a queue in a line if you want to broadcast and they throw you

up there and uh whenever you you know it's based on a voting system and you get votes if they like

you or they don't like you and if you hit a certain threshold you get kicked off and the

The next person goes on live.

And the person who gets the most positive votes in a day in the 24-hour period wins some kind of cash money.

Cash money.

We're not against rappers, but we are against those thugs.

All right.

Let's call another one of these numbers that RBCP sent in.

This is Melissa, who's upset at Apple and Dell.

No, no, no, no, no.

She likes Apple.

She's against Dell.

Let's do it.

and andy mentioned it looks like it is whenever there's uh anything but me talking uh that type

of audio is when the ustream chops up and it didn't used to do that when we first started up

uh i first started this setup that i have now so something has changed since and that means i'm

gonna have to play with the settings maybe tomorrow during the day um trying to get that going again

fuck ellie amuse is one of the founders of battle cam and mentions we don't want to go on there okay

good point thank you we got the guy here himself right yeah the one of the founders of facebook

has a movie coming out tomorrow fuck and did anybody see the new wall street movie was it

any good because i'm thinking about watching it or trying to download it someone let me know what

kind of music you listen to if this is gay noon and what do you listen to in britain what he's in

the bbc radio what do you what do you like over there spice girls those

Who's Boy George?

George Michael and Queen.

I was confused.

Boy George and George Michael.

Who's the guy that masturbates in front of me?

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, hi.

May I speak with Melissa, please?

Just a moment.

Thank you, sir.

Is that Trevor?

Melissa.

Uh-huh.

Larson DeGromolo.

How are you doing?

I'm calling from Dell.

I understand that you had a bad experience with Dell.

I wanted to see if we could extend an offer, possibly make that experience any better.

It is 11 o'clock at night.

I understand, but we just got your update now.

I got a level 3 alert here about a problem with your customer service experience with Dell.

So I wanted to give you a call and let you know what we have.

It's 11 o'clock at night.

We're in the eastern time zone, and we got up at 530.

Yeah, but I'm in Cupertino, California.

Okay, well, I'm going to have to let you go because...

No, no, no. Do you like laptops?

I'm in bed for an hour.

Let's talk a deal. Come on.

What did you get from Apple and I'll match the deal.

And I'll get you a better...

You want an Inspiron?

1545.

Inspiron model number 1545.

Okay, I'm going to go back to bed now.

It has Intel Pentium Dual Core inside.

I'll try to call him back.

One moment.

More gay music.

I was thinking of an idea again today, and I think I might have mentioned this in the past on the show,

but I get so fed up with junk mail.

I'm not talking about email.

I'm talking about the real mail.

I only check my regular mail once a week.

Now, there was a period of time where I went like two months before I checked it,

and I actually had to go to the post office to pick it up.

They took it back.

They figured Thina and I maybe were dead or something.

something but yeah there's so much junk mail that comes through it's such a waste of paper and a

waste of it's a waste of resources on the postal system we pay so much in postage as it is you know

the whole argument well you know if you got if you made marijuana possession legal you take such a

burden off of the prison system in the united states well if they got rid of junk mail coming

through the mail they would get rid of a huge burden on the postal service for sure and maybe

Maybe they could lower or not continue raising our postage rates and shit.

Maybe our mail will make it a lot faster.

Probably could.

Probably would make it a lot faster with a lot of crap in the mail.

And there's no way to opt out of it.

I wish there was a way.

Why isn't there a way?

We've got to have some type of USPS spam filtering or something like that.

I think that's a movement that's in need to start up.

But I was thinking, what would happen if I take all my junk mail?

And every time I go to the mail, let's say I go check the mail tomorrow, check the mail, and I get three pieces of junk mail.

What if I throw them back in the incoming – in the outgoing mail?

Will it get returned or will – don't you think it would automatically go back in the system and return back to my PO box?

I think it would.

And if that's the case, I want to keep doing it and doing it until it starts snowballing and to the point where they're delivering like a pound, 20 pounds of mail a day, and it's all junk.

I want to see – I got to do that.

you know i'm gonna what i'm gonna do i'm gonna record it every day when i go to the mailbox i'm

gonna record you know so see if i can do this snowball effect i wonder how far i can get with

it is it a crime could be a felony there's all those weird you know laws about the postal system

it's not a crime i'm just putting fucking mail in the fucking thing it's time to stop it

might leave me seeing just recycling in the end i will but i'll make a point with it i'm gonna

start sending them trash banana peels take my shit i said i was gonna call them back right

the husband picks up the son he said tweeted back in 95 that's something busy bone i forgot

which bone that is it was the fat bone fatty bone because i forgot their name has been forwarded to

an automatic voice message there was busy bone crazy bone lazy bone wish bone flushing bone was

always in jail i forgot which one i don't know i know busy bone was the skinny one that got

raped uh by his dad or something kidnapped the one that reclude met in the studio you need to

You send them all the round circles out of a hole punch machine, he says.

That's good.

Is there a lot of junk mail?

There's got to be junk mail in the U.K., right?

They have the same problems we do.

Even worse.

They got problems with the water.

I wanted to mention I was doing some research for the last month.

I've been concerned with aluminum in my antiperspirant.

I sweat like a hog, and I've been wanting to make the jump to stop using aluminum

out of fear of Alzheimer's and cancer and things of this nature.

um and i but i was like i tried deodorant for a few days just you know the deodorant without the

antiperspirant without you know it's just it just supposedly makes you smell good which i don't

understand why anybody would want that uh only uh but uh does nothing for me does nothing for me it

becomes a smell it smells like sweat and uh deodorant at the same time i need to kill the the

the fucking perspiration uh doing research today sure enough i found something milk of magnesia

Apparently, it is pretty well known for being an antiperspirant and a cheap alternative.

It's very cheap.

You can buy a bottle for maybe a dollar or two.

In the dollar store, you can buy a bottle for a dollar because everything is a dollar there.

Just apply it with your hands.

It leaves no stains, apparently.

It doesn't smell at all, no residual smell, no staining, and it works just as good as your regular deodorant.

Then you can just put some cologne on or something else.

I don't know, mint spray, whatever.

There's my record.

I'm going to try it out next week.

Magnesia tomorrow, probably, and start using my underarms and see what happens.

There you go.

Milk and Magnesia, who would have known?

And then I said, what is Milk and Magnesia?

You think, is it really a milk?

Because my mom always used to put it in the fridge.

And I remember telling her, Mom, you don't have to put the Milk and Magnesia in the fridge.

She said, but this is milk.

No, it's not milk.

It's something else.

And sure enough, all it is is water and magnesium.

Go figure.

It doesn't go bad.

Try to tell that to my mom.

But I know my grandma used to do the same thing.

That's where she got it from.

It's not her fault.

She got raised with the Puerto Rican version of Hillbillies.

My only new sitting in number for a sister.

We just picked up a new car coming back from Japan for three years.

All right, cool.

I got that.

My only news, Nunez making a good point.

Try to send it to me in chat, number one, because it's easier for me to find later.

Not in chat, in the IM.

PM it to me.

Send it to me in a private message in the chat room.

That way I don't lose it.

It doesn't scroll up.

Number two, that way nobody calls it first.

and when we try to call, they don't pick up because they've already been pranked.

Just, you know, that's the only reason we do it.

We're not trying to be assholes.

It works out a lot better that way.

Don't worry, brother.

Don't worry about it.

You're new.

It's okay.

We get one chance.

One chance, motherfucker.

Just once, though.

You do it again.

I'm going to stick Nunu on you.

Okay.

We got Mr. AJ.

He said that Dell Financial really sucks.

The worst customer service that can be.

Kay Pask is commanding me to pick up his message.

The hotel cunts in Paris, France.

And he sent me a website, but no number.

You're going to make me do all the work, huh?

You want me doing the show to go to thehotelcunts.com and find a number?

Okay.

It would help out if you gave me the number also.

Big Ken.

Big Ken dog.

Rich, AJ at Intellection.

Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks for calling.

Hi, AJ.

This is Garson DeBromolo.

I'm calling from Dell Financial.

I understand that you have some type of bad problem with us.

either earlier today or this week or recently.

I want to apologize first, and I want to know what the big damn problem is.

If you give us a call back at your earliest convenience,

reference to code number 377529.

Again, that's 377529.

Ask to speak to Garson Abramalo here at Dell Financial,

and I'm sure we can get whatever your problem is taken care of for you.

Thank you.

No answer from him, but at least maybe he'll give a call to Dell Financial.

Dell Financial?

Dell does their own financing on those fucking laptops and computers and shit?

Do they really?

They got their own financial company?

I guess you got to do it.

You're going to do loans these days.

You got to do it yourself.

Well, it's true.

I mean, my loan for my car is straight through Honda.

Honda Financial.

That's true.

They got their own bank or something.

I was confused.

Because when I was there, I was trying to get the lease on my car.

And usually they come out, well, who do you want to go with?

Bank of America?

SunTrust?

uh wachovia do you have an account with them already savings account usually helps out they

said oh we'll do it ourselves honda financial i'm like really this is one of the really bad

like general motors had uh has their own right gmac isn't that theirs then they go bankrupt

aren't they one of the ones that went down they're one of the big problems out there because i know

they started giving out home loans like they were like it was hot cakes back in the in the early

2000s that didn't go well for them i don't think gmac exists anymore mariah carey for a second

in there. I just figured we were listening to Mariah Carey.

This is gay, Nunu. You're right.

Now you can talk shit. Alright, got the

number here from Big Ken for

the Hotel Cunts. That's down on the big board, sir.

We'll give it a call. Don't worry.

My plan is to get to them all tonight. Not miss

any of these from you guys. Except for the

FBI place. I'm sorry, Caustic. I just

can't. I'm not going to do it.

This show has been shut down

twice by the authorities, raided once

by the police, and I'm not going to get

us into a third. Sorry, buddy.

We got street cred when

I've been there, done that.

All right, let's call Dickshit.

Ashutosh.

Dickshit.

I don't know what to say to Dickshit.

Do you have any ideas?

No, no, tell me.

Mr. My Music is the Best.

A music critic over there working for Rolling Stone magazine, apparently.

I had a Mariah Carey poster when I was in high school.

She was hot back then.

She's still hot right now.

She doesn't look bad.

Last time I saw her was in that Zohan movie.

She looked good there.

Andy didn't like her because she's a mixed race and Andy frowns upon mixed races.

Didn't she have a video where, um...

Wasn't it the fucking dude from the Jerky Boys?

And Eddie Griffin was in it in a boat?

Hello?

We hung up.

Weird, that's my fault.

I forget who I was calling anyway.

I was calling the hotel in Paris.

No, I was calling someone in the States.

Who was I calling?

Oh, dick shit.

That's who it was.

I'm trying to come back.

Whoops.

Johnny Brennan, yeah.

Johnny Brennan and Kamal.

I forget which one it is.

There was some boat or something.

It was really weird.

That happened.

Kamal ended up being an asshole.

Hello?

Hi.

We cannot take your father right now.

I was trying to hack his voicemail machine, answer machine.

Frizz Fry is saying you got to play the track with Tupac from Art of War.

Is that, that wasn't No Surrender.

That's the one where he's like, it's from L.A. to Cleveland, nigga.

Where are you people from?

What the fuck song is that, though?

It's the one with the gun cocking in it the whole time.

I forgot the, tell me that title, dude.

I'm tired tonight.

You got to help me out.

People got to help me.

You got to work with me here.

I could just put in Tupac and do a bone, I think.

I know the song, I just forgot the title of it

Tupac

Thug Love, I think it's Thug Love, right?

Yeah, I think this is it

It's gotta be, if it's Art of War

Alright, yes

Alright, we got one last number here from Mark

Who's upset about his pizza that came from Papa John's

Papa John's is shit

Long wait, wrong pizza

Wrong pizza, that's the worst

And bad customer service, alright, let's call him

Yes, hello, good evening, may I speak with Mark, please?

Oh, Mark won't be here anymore

No, who's this? Is this Mark's family?

Yes

Did you know about the pizza he got that was bad?

What?

Did you know about the pizza that he got that was bad?

Pizza?

He got a pizza and it was bad, he said.

A pizza.

Pizza machine.

Oh, I don't know.

No, he's complaining about the pizza that we sold him.

I'm from...

I don't know because he don't live here.

He don't live in the other house.

Does you still talk to him a lot?

Yeah, we didn't complain about that.

Do you talk to him every day?

Because I want you to give him a message for me.

Okay, maybe I give him a call.

Okay, can you connect him now?

Can you three-way call him?

Because I want this taken care of right now.

Okay.

He's got some kind of problem.

Oh, no, I cannot connect.

I cannot connect because I don't know the number in the house.

I know his cell phone, but I don't think he wants me to give the cell phone.

Well, I mean, what do you like?

What kind of pizza do you like?

You want some coupons or something?

What's with you people?

You looking for free stuff?

Well, I'm not the one who ordered the pizza.

It's my son.

But he's got some kind of problem with my pizza, and I want him to tell me what it is.

I'll give you free pizzas and make you people shut up

Because you're all looking for free pizza and stuff

I heard, I saw this on the news

Where you people from like other countries

They don't speak English good

You know why you don't have to speak like that

Because you always buy a pizza

Last night I buy pizza from Pizza Hut

But we never complain if it is good or not

You don't have to speak like that, you know

Because we can always pay our pizza

You know we don't need a free pizza

You know what I mean

Because if they complain, maybe it's not good

because maybe they always buy pizza there, you know?

But you don't have to speak like that

that we want a free pizza, you know?

Where do you get pizza from a pizza hut

instead of...

Why?

Because me, I live in another house.

I'm the mother.

And I have a visitor yesterday

and then they want a pizza hut.

But my son is living in the other house.

They have their own house.

So they order pizza from you guys

because they like their pizza.

But people start.

Because I don't know about that

because maybe that's their brand.

Because in my house, I eat Pizza Hut.

Why do you people buy so much?

You know what I mean?

But you don't have to say that, you know,

we want a free pizza because we have money to pay.

You want a free pizza?

I can do that.

No, I'm not talking about that pizza

because I don't know, you know,

what's your problem with my son, okay?

Why do you eat so much?

But you don't have to speak.

Why do you?

Because you don't have to speak like me like that, okay?

You need to calm down, Missy.

Why do people eat so much pizza anyway?

What's with that?

You know what happens with that?

You get coronary disease, you have heart attacks, and then you put money on our system

and the United States health system and people who don't even know, you know, aren't from here

and messing it up.

You understand?

You know what?

I don't know anything about the pizza that they order.

So you don't have to speak like that to me, you know?

Do you have diabetes?

Uh-huh.

You have diabetes, right?

Me?

Yes.

I don't have a diabetes.

Oh, you're lying.

I know you.

I can tell you do right now on the phone.

You're a diabetes woman.

You know what?

Come down and tomorrow bring your papers and I want to talk to your doctor because you have diabetes, I'm pretty sure.

I'm certain you do.

You want $1,000? That's what this is about?

No, because you're talking about I have diabetes and I want to prove it to you.

So if you put, you know, you want to bid about $1,000 because I prove it to you that I don't have a diabetes, okay?

And you won $1,000 because, what, you had to pay the rent?

You didn't have money for the rent?

You know what?

I have four houses.

And I don't need, but, you know, you're very sarcastic, you know?

I don't want to deal with that.

But you said $1,000.

Do you want me to write you a check?

You know, because you're the one telling me that I have a diabetes when it's not true.

You know what I mean?

Okay.

Because if you want to prove it, you know, you want to bid with me to prove that I don't have a diabetes, okay?

You're the one who started it.

I have diabetes.

And you told me that I'm lying.

You don't even, you know, see my face.

Where is your office?

And I go there right now.

Where is your branch?

It's not an office.

It's a p***.

There's only one p*** here.

Where is Dr. Trish?

And I go there, you know?

The local p***.

That's all you need.

You know, you are talking to me.

I don't even know where the p*** is.

Because I don't buy there, okay?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry if it was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

You know, because my son is the one who, you know, orders the pizza.

Your son is a piece of trash, I think is what it is.

Don't talk bad about my pizza.

I have good pizza better than what you have, and you eat so much pizza.

You know what I'm doing?

You know what I'm saying?

Maybe my kids, they like your brand of pizza.

But me, you know, you know, I don't eat pizza that much.

I just have a visitor, and then it happens that my visitor, they like the pizza hot, so they order pizza.

But I don't know about my son, because he like your pizza.

You don't have to talk to me about that, you know what I mean?

I know, but...

Oh, my God.

You know, I'm sorry.

You know, I'm a good person, you know?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Because you took like that.

My son, they order your pizza all the time.

This is their business because they like your pizza.

But you don't have to talk to me like that.

No, you're right.

I'm not supposed to.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You know?

You know, you make me mad because, you know, you say that we want a free pizza.

You can buy pizza anytime.

You have money.

You can buy pizza anywhere you want to get pizza from.

You can get pizza from, right?

There's no rules.

It's a free country.

I know, but I know not.

It doesn't matter that you're not.

It doesn't matter that you don't have papers or anything, you know, that you're not, you're here, you know, with undocumented worker.

That's fine.

You can still order pizza wherever you want, right?

What do you mean by I'm undocumented worker?

Well, if you were.

I'm not.

I work with the government.

Oh, you have your papers?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

I've been here since 1977, you know?

Oh, yeah.

I'm really old. I'm 61 years old right now.

I arrived here in 1977.

You don't tell me that I'm undocumented.

I've been citizen for a long time.

Oh, I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

My husband is a retired in the military, you know?

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

Do you supersize?

Like that, you know?

Do you supersize?

No, I mostly size 10.

But, I mean, do you supersize when you go to McDonald's?

Do you supersize the meal?

No, I don't buy, I don't eat in McDonald's.

We eat pizza, though.

Yeah, I eat pizza once in a while.

Maybe every other month.

I don't eat junk food because I have high cholesterol.

Oh, you see?

Too much pizza, you get high cholesterol.

That's the problem.

And then look what happens.

You know, we are Filipino.

We eat our food, you know?

Oh, you like pineapple?

Yeah.

I had a Filipino girl, and I used to kiss her all over her body all the time.

What is your name anyway?

Garson.

Huh?

Garson, the brown man.

Are you the owner there?

Uh-huh.

Are you the owner?

Yeah, I'm the owner.

Yeah, because maybe I can file a complaint because I recorded what you said to me.

No, but it's just me.

We're talking like friends, you and me.

There's no coming out.

Oh, no, because, you know, my husband is, you know, is hearing what you said to me earlier.

Oh, he's got a problem?

Yeah, he recorded it because, you know, you're very rude, okay?

Well, I'm certified in self-defense.

Yeah, maybe I'm going to file a complaint on you, you know, about you.

Are you coming to my store?

I'm going to write you up.

I'm going to give you a complaint, too, to my manager, my boss.

Okay.

Yeah, because, you know, because my son is the one who ordered it,

and then you took it to me that way, you know what I mean?

Okay.

Hey, do you do laundry also when you come to the house to clean,

or do you just clean the house?

No, she hung up.

Okay.

That was straight up what my mom would sound like if we would prank call her.

I've got to get some more Stevia.

I started using Stevia last week.

Stevia is a natural sugar-free sweetener.

It's not Splenda.

It's not NutraSweet.

It's not the pink stuff.

It's not some chemicals you're putting in yourself.

It's a plant.

It's a herb called the Stevia plant.

It comes from South America, and it's being cultivated.

It's been cultivated in Japan and Europe.

Not Europe as much, but Japan, Asia, and South America.

It's been used as a sugar-free sweetener for years and years,

and it's finally making its way to Europe and America.

in America, the United States.

Coke got their hands on it.

Pepsi got their hands on it.

They're both selling versions of it.

Coke's version is Truvia, and Pepsi's is something else,

something with V at the end.

It looks like they're going to start sweetening some of their diet sodas

with the Stevia stuff instead of Splenda, which all I am for.

I mean, I don't know how good Stevia is for you or not, but it tastes sweet.

It tastes better than Splenda or any of the other stuff.

It's actually granulated.

it feels like sugar which actually helps out and it tastes great in iced tea so i bought some

unsweet iced tea from the old publics um one of the best iced tea and the best uh fried chicken

and the best subs in the south trivia sweet leaf yeah i think they call it sweet leaf also

trivia and i'm trying to remember i bought the trivia one here that's what i got and i bought

the packets at sam's i had the packets uh 200 of them for like eight bucks or something i don't

I bought those so I could take them to work.

Maybe it's Shorvia or something.

I don't know what.

It's on Google.

Google it.

Google.com has the answer.

All right.

Let me call Baz's numbers here.

Find them.

Here we go.

He's got the numbers for the Sydney Sexual Health and for the Globe Hotel in Amsterdam,

which failed before.

I'll try them again.

Got another request here for a different bone song after this one.

East 1999.

That's the album.

But I know there's a song also called East 1999.

I found it here.

Here, let me go ahead and put that next on the old playlist.

That'll be next.

All right, Amsterdam it is.

See if it works this time.

I wasn't too fond of this song, I'll be honest with you.

I wasn't really into Tupac until after he died,

and even still never really been that into him.

Some of his stuff was cool back then,

but for some reason it seemed to me Tupac was really popular with the white kids.

At least when I was in high school.

The brothers didn't really listen to Tupac that much.

There were more Biggie Smalls, Wu-Tang listeners, stuff like that.

All the wagers of Tupac, though.

That's how I remember it.

I don't know.

Whatever.

If you can help me out, Baz, send me the...

The way you send it to me isn't dialing through, even if I mark it as the Netherlands.

If you might know what the country code is for the Netherlands, I'll try it again.

In the meantime, I'll try Australia here.

I think he did send it.

He sent it plus three one.

It's not going through.

Thank you for calling Sydney's Central Health Centre, located at the Nightingale Wing of Sydney.

Sydney Eye Hospital, Macquarie Street in Sydney.

Eye Hospital.

To ensure your inquiries are answered appropriately,

please select from the following five options.

To change or cancel an existing appointment,

please press zero now.

To make an appointment, please press two now.

To collect your results,

you'll be transferred initially to reception

and then to a nurse.

Please press three now.

If you would like expert information about sexual health,

please press one to be transferred

to the NSW Sexual Health InfoLine nurse.

For all other inquiries, please press 0.

Oh, shit, where's the dial pad?

If you hear the buttons again, please press 9.

I can't find the dial pad!

Shit.

God damn it.

Damn it!

Sorry, we have not received your selection.

Your call will now be transferred to reception.

Okay.

One moment, please.

I forgot how you do the view.

Hello?

There's a button here somewhere that does it.

Dial time, I help you.

Yeah, hi, I need information on unprotected sexual relations, please.

Okay.

And I'll just put you through to the nurse who gives you information about...

Will she know about body bodily fluids?

Yep, yep. I'll just put you through to the nurse.

All right. Thanks.

All of the tissue donation with your family...

Body fluids. Lipids.

Thank you for calling the New South Wales Sexual Health Info Line.

Our staff may offer you information about available health services.

We do not favour these services.

Rather, the information is provided to assist you

in making informed decisions about your care.

Okay.

Sexual health information line.

You're speaking to a sexual health nurse.

Hello?

This is a sexual health nurse.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I have some questions about unprotected sex.

Sure, go ahead.

Doesn't it, I mean, my friend was telling me the other day

that if you do it without the condom,

the condom takes away all the feelings a lot,

so he was recommending that I do unprotected sex,

that I try that.

Right.

I wasn't sure.

I heard there was risk,

but then he told me that there's cures for all those things now,

that it's mostly the media making a big deal

because they want to sell condoms.

And I think he's right.

I think he's got some valid points.

can i just

ask you a couple of questions so i understand the situation a bit more yes sir okay so how old are

you i'm 29 and when you said having sex is that with men or with women or both with women of

course with women i'm a man you might want to write down that i'm a male i don't know if you're

new yep yep that's fine um and in the last year how many partners have you had sex with uh boys

kiss girls i've had with zero i've only had relations once when i was 19 okay um have you

ever worked in the sex industry before never no no okay have you ever injected any drugs before

no no okay do you have any symptoms at the moment no i don't have sex yet i mean i met a woman that

you know for it's it's i mean i don't want to get too into it but for a certain amount of money

then she'll do some things and other things.

Yeah, okay.

So when we're talking about risks of sexually transmissible infection,

it depends on what you do sexually to what risk that would be.

But let me just say, for example,

if you're engaging in any unprotected vaginal sex

or unprotected anal sex with a woman that you're unsure of,

a new partner, a casual partner,

there is a risk of infections like HIV, hepatitis B, syphilis,

Yeah, but he was explaining that HIV, like, it's not even AIDS, you know, so it's not a big deal,

and that they have medicines now, and this guy was saying that sometimes it's even fake,

that it's not even real, that it doesn't even do anything,

that there's no proof that people are dying of AIDS and HIV anymore.

There are HIV treatments, and there's a variety of different medications,

but they don't necessarily work on everybody.

The way that the treatment works is that it slows down the virus from replicating

and it helps to preserve the immune system.

But some studies suggest that if a person was infected, say, you know, today,

then there is the potential for them to live for the next 38 years without becoming unwell.

But one factor that you need to consider in this

is that there's many different types and strains of HIV

and there are drug-resistant strains of HIV as well.

They're known as wild-type HIV viruses.

So HIV remains incurable, and it remains life-threatening for some people.

Now, what will protect against, you know, if let's say the sexual activity is different?

So in terms of in what way?

Can you describe that a little bit more?

Cleveland steamer, sometimes I think it's called.

I don't know what they call it here.

Are you referring to oral sex?

No, no, no.

Cleveland steamer, rusty trombone, things like that.

Can you describe what sexual act that you're doing?

In Cleveland Steamer, the man lays down on the bed or maybe the floor,

and the woman sits over and she defecates on top of his chest.

Right, yep.

And essentially, as long as that feces isn't ingested or potentially infects a womb or the bloodstream,

then it's not necessarily an issue.

I won't get the AIDS from that.

No, no.

I won't get an AIDS.

Okay, now the rusty trombone is different, too.

I think there's some risk involved in that, though.

And what do you mean when you refer to that?

Rusty trombone is, you know, from what I understand, it's after anal sex,

performing oral sex on the man's member after it's been inside an anus.

Yeah, so essentially there may be the ingestion of feces.

Right, and then the ingestion of the juices, too, right?

The AIDS juice?

Yep, sure.

Yeah, even if it's my own, right, I could still.

Now, can you get two strains of AIDS at the same time in your body

and you have to fight them both?

Yes.

So if I get AIDS, it doesn't mean that I can just have sex with AIDS peoples, right?

What you're talking about is HIV.

AIDS is the end stage of HIV infections.

AIDS isn't actually a virus.

It's the end stage of HIV infections.

So HIV.

That's right.

AIDS is where a person's immune system is severely weakened

and they can develop opportunistic infections.

Now, what about gay cancer?

Is that still a problem?

I haven't heard about that since the 80s.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that.

These people used to get gay cancer.

They were going onto these bathhouses

and they were getting lesions on their skins and dying.

Yep.

They were getting skinny.

So they were getting opportunistic infections related to AIDS.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, what if AIDS gets in the air?

AIDS will not get in the air.

AIDS is caused by the HIV virus

and it's only transmissible in certain body fluids.

What is the source of the AIDS then?

Of HIV, yes.

Well, the HIV, where did it come from?

From Africa?

Someone said monkeys?

Well, there's been many theories about that, yes.

Did you know that felines have a similar type of disease?

Yes, and so do monkeys.

Which doesn't do anything to them.

So we go to from here.

Well, I'm just speculating here now.

Think about it.

If these large cats had the HIV,

like feline fiv right yeah who who came up with the hiv all of a sudden um i'm not going to answer

that question for you somebody you know was it the russians tell me the truth because i heard

the first aids person was from haiti and they're french right so i'm thinking maybe france did it

and if you think about france was cut was controlled by who the nazis right nazi germany

ring a bell okay now um this is an information line i certainly can give you information about

Well, I want information about the rhesus monkeys and the Russians and the big cats,

the big felines that have this, and I think they're all in collusion.

I think you're giving out false information when you talk to people about this,

because this isn't even a threat.

Do you people give out free condoms?

Can you direct me to a place that gives out free condoms and lubricants?

Can you tell me where your postcode is, yeah?

I don't have a postcode.

I have a zip code.

I'm calling from Chicago, Illinois.

Okay.

All right.

Maybe a sexual health clinic in Chicago might have a zip code.

No, the embassy told me to call here because it was Australia.

What embassy?

The Australian embassy told you to call this number?

Yes.

Okay.

We're based in Sydney.

I know.

Obviously, they're Australian, so they would call me to you in your direction.

Yeah, but you're in Chicago.

Yeah, so that's one more community.

And you're after free condoms?

Yeah, well, then I can't get them here.

They declined me.

They declined my Medicaid card and everything over here.

Don't you have free health care in Australia?

Well, you know, in some cases, yes, but in others, no.

You know, people do have to buy condoms in Australia, too.

But, look, I'll tell you what, I'm going to end this call now

because we seem to be going around in circles.

So we've talked about a couple of things about risks,

but there are services in the U.S. that you can access.

Oh, risk. I thought you were saying a reese.

this whole time

I thought you've been

saying risks

you say risks

what are they again

we're gonna end this call now

risks

you spin me right round

baby right round

like a record

baby right right right round

aw man

I wanna hear my song

cause she's saying

we ice pun her around

I spin her around

I put her on top of my dick

and spin her around

oh

she does say

condoms kinda hot bags

where's Lonesome Loser

she doesn't wanna be here

what happened

oh yeah

i had to mention um earlier this afternoon i was here at home i got a phone call from comcast

their automated system said that uh between 12 midnight and 6 30 a.m there could be interruption

in service for service upgrades uh the bad news about that is we could go off the air and i would

have no control over it um i have no other connection here well bullshit the neighbors

downstairs have at&t and uh i've i cracked their uh never mind i shouldn't say that answer

I might be able to use

my friends

I have another internet provider here

that I could use

so if it crashes hang on and give me a few minutes

I might be able to

actually no I wouldn't because the server doesn't have a wireless card on it

I took the wireless card out of it

because it kept dropping out

I got it hardwired to the router

so no actually that wouldn't be an option

maybe they won't start

it's good news because apparently it's DOCSIS 3.0

that's getting rolled out here in central Florida

to tonight from the rumors that i heard online excuse me that's good because that means uh i can

upgrade to a new package and that'd be nice i think i can get something like uh 15 megs down

i think i'm getting 12 right now i think the that they're going to be offering 15 20 and 25 i think

something like that i wanted to mention uh everybody out there listening if you haven't

noticed yet uh madhouse radio is uh posting videos on youtube again we got a youtube channel

We'll kick in once again.

Our channel is Madhouse Radio.

Subscribe to it, please.

Help me out.

The Madhouse Radio channel over on YouTube.

I've got three pranks up there.

Stuff.

Nunu asking me to call the dick shit number again.

I forgot about that for a second.

Let me give him a call.

Is this Sandeep?

No.

Oh, is this...

Where am I calling?

What was that?

I think that was the Netherlands.

Hello?

What was that about?

What happened to the phone?

What do you want?

Well, I'm needing to solve a problem

it when you're hanging up the phone missy is there a man i can talk to or what's your problem

what's your problem i've got a problem with the service that's what i got a problem with

where are you calling from from illinois well you're speaking to someone in in holland yes so

what how come you speak english what's that about you think you're smart i'm educated bye you sound

like a monkey this is a random number in the netherlands we're calling here in holland i don't

recognize holland is it netherlands or holland make make up your mind is it holland or netherlands

why don't you people make up your mind you cowards whatever that's a definitely wake-up call over

there and calmed all right now we'll do dick shit i i called it with the netherlands country

code it was still plugged in there whoops surprised that worked it's weird all right

rhinestone cowboy hello nice is this dick shit when i'm calling please this who who's that is

that dick shit in the background this is garson no this is garson how are you doing huh oh is there

any message it's for sandeep whom would you like to it's for sandeep he's not available can i take

the message for him i don't like to speak to women though i didn't get to relay my message let me

call back and give the message everybody i'll be nice i'll be nice i'll be nice i'll be nice

hey is the coconut ever making in this room coconut leave a message and we'll get back to

you as soon as possible thanks bye

I'm trying to see if they pick up the phone.

Hang on, let me coordinate Kokanee.

I stopped paying attention to his chat room, his chat screen,

and I think I said the password wrong.

Fuck!

Kokanee, looks like I made it.

Go to the madhouse, Kokanee.

Come into my hood, you can see that we're on.

Thugs, more than thugs.

A little twist of harmony, both smoking and lethal warriors.

This is supposed to be our class song.

this uh all the puerto ricans and black people got together in one of our uh senior um meetings

once a month senior class had a meeting in the auditorium in high school where we'd come up with

like you know the colors for the prom we'd all vote and the theme you know the class song for

graduation and all that and all the puerto guys yo yo you gotta pick that new bone song days of

our lives yo and it won and i was in my computer programming class and we shared the class room

room with uh the student government uh and they went in to meet and they they were playing this

song it's all right this is the song that won for you know class fucking whatever and they're

talking about soldiers smoking weed and bud and buds blood blunt smoking lethal warriors and

like uh yeah i don't think we could do it was so funny and the blacks and the puerto ricas i know

for sure were really pissed off about like yo they took our shit and i said we got i believe i can

can fly by r kelly from space jam i was remembering that the other day was playing on serious on the

90s channels like this piece of shit's the song that my class graduated to i believe i can fly

from a movie with that doofy ass michael jordan a bunch of looney tunes sean talking about the time

i taped the spray nozzle down what did i do a spray nozzle oh yeah i got my dad i was uh looking

looking at suffering i think it was mad magazine or cracked one of those and it had an idea for a

prank to play on somebody and what you do in the middle of the night you'd uh tape down you tape

the handle to the sink the little hose nozzle on the sink you know the extending one you use to

wash out the pans little hand nozzle um i got up in the middle and i set my alarm for like four

o'clock in the morning my dad always woke up at five to make coffee before he went to work he

He used to work early, early in the fucking morning.

Not that early, but he used to leave by 6 a.m.

He'd get to work by 7.

And the first thing he'd always do would be half, usually probably half naked,

just in his T-shirt and a pair of boxers and maybe a pair of slippers if it was cold.

And he'd make coffee, half sleep, sleep still, lights still off, you know,

maybe just a light here or there turned on.

So I taped that nozzle down and I pointed it right like a chest level

right in front of the fucking sink.

and funny shit ever man wake up four o'clock i said i go back to sleep you know i wake

and i stay awake i couldn't fall asleep and i was like i'm pins and needles i hear my dad's

alarm wake up he gets up grumbles snoozes it once or twice i'm like fuck come on man

he finally gets up shuffles down the bathroom takes like a hour long piss you know he's like

peeing and farting at the same time i'm like hot hurry up dad takes his time he finally gets to

of the kitchen i can hear it we got tile floor in the kitchen and he uh turns on the he's got

the coffee uh and he goes to the coffee machine he pulls the the coffee carafe you know the coffee

thing the glass holder coffee whatever and he walks all the way to the sink and he turns on the

water and you just hear and he drops it and it shatters everywhere so there's glass all over

overshadowed on the kitchen floor mixed with water and the lights are like half off and he's

not wearing shoes i'm pretty sure yeah because he's like i don't know what's he's like he doesn't

know what what's water what's glass you know and and he got sprayed in the chest with cold cold

ass water and it was like december so the water was really cold i remember he got he got pissed

and uh it was a black nozzle and i did it with um black electric tape so you couldn't even see

Yeah, I was all lead about it, man.

That shit's funny.

I think I talked about it.

I must have talked about it on the show, obviously, because he remembers the story.

I remember I talked about that.

That's cool.

What was that?

Did we talk about that?

We did.

I might take a break here real quick just to get some more stevia.

Looks like I drank some more iced tea.

I forgot to turn the camera on.

Yeah, I was testing.

I thought maybe if I didn't have so much video pushing up, maybe it wouldn't chop so much.

But no, it still chops, according to what people were telling me in feedback.

Sean remembers the banana phone, yeah, the banana phone, that's the thing, we first got a cordless phone, ever, the first time ever, we were always, like, five years behind everything, like, we didn't get a TV with remote until, like, five years after everyone had one, you know, we didn't get a microwave until, like, five years until after everyone, we didn't get a VCR until, like, five years until everyone had one, and, yeah, the cordless phone, I remember my dad bought it on a fucking finger hut,

But I still think to this day he still gets billed for it.

And it has this thing, you know, you can set the volume and it rings.

It lets you know what volume you're sending it to.

And he didn't know about that yet.

It was new.

And my dad was like, he used to work some long hours and shit.

And I think he was just home.

He was so tired, he'd just get home and he'd lay on the bed and just fall asleep right there.

He wouldn't even eat.

He'd just go to sleep.

And it was like one of those times.

And I hit the phone, the volume on the phone.

and it makes it ring like the test ring i do it twice and i go hello yeah you want to talk to my

dad yeah yeah i mean obviously yeah you want to talk to you know blah blah blah like yeah sure

no problem and i got a banana from the kitchen and i went into the bedroom and my dad's half

like dad you got a phone call i think it's your boss i forgot what i told him it was like someone

important maybe someone from puerto rico and he's like giving the banana and he puts the banana up

to his ear and he goes hello he does it again hello and he looks at it and he it took him like

half it took him like half a second not it took him a good man i'm actually took like a good two

or three seconds looking at it to realize it was a banana and i'm cracking up laughing at the door

and he threw the banana at me i remember and i ran i ran to my bedroom and i closed my door and i

blasted bone that was awesome too i know i talked about these stories well it's like you guys

as their family now.

Fuck.

Ah, I double-clicked the song.

Fuck it.

We'll play the other one.

All right.

More pranks.

Well, a break first.

A break.

When we get back,

we got more calls to do.

Brendan's sending some

Burger King in Illinois.

Woodman's Market,

where we called about greens

a few times.

Actually, didn't we?

Did I flirt last week

with the black lady

that I fucked around with

the first time?

I spent a good half hour

trying to get a black lady written up for not telling me how to make collard greens

and i call her what three weeks later and i'm hitting on her she's like 50 something and she's

married i think she was thinking about though hooking up with the white boy what was her name

again fuck you guys i know you guys remember i haven't edited it yet so i don't know

they're in the big brenda yeah okay good brenda vegas or brendan not brendan brendan thank you

Brandon gets a gold star.

Congratulations.

Big booty Brenda.

I'll be right back in about five minutes.

Thank you.

Be sure to visit us online

at madhouselive.com

Madhouse Radio

will be back right after this.

I'm a male nurse. Is he expecting

Can you, I mean, who?

No, I'm, yeah, Dr. Nargis told me to give him a call with these instructions.

But his doctor is not Dr. whoever you said.

It's the specialist, ma'am.

His physician forwarded the information on to Dr. Nargis and made the determination of what was going on.

He just wanted to give him a therapy plan he needs to practice at home.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Hurry it up.

Hello?

Yes, hello, I'm sorry.

I lost my temper.

Did you have a pen and paper?

Who are you talking to?

I'm trying to leave a message for the instructions for the therapy plan he needs to take.

Yes, but someone said hurry it up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Quality assurance thing.

We have something that you're supposed to, for the quality of your service, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I'm ready.

Breakfast, as much fiber as possible, preferably oatmeal and greens.

What kind of greens do you make, if any?

All habits, collards, string beans, the works.

Collards and turnip greens and spinach greens.

Yeah, I do all of those.

Okay.

Broccoli, the works.

And he needs to eat as many oranges as possible.

Okay.

Okay, now what this is going to do is going to be like a natural colonic for his system.

Okay, now he needs to collect a stool sample after every bowel movement.

Got it.

So do you have the instructions there for the stool sample collection?

Do I have any?

Did his doctor give him any?

Well, I'm not certain, so I'm making sure.

I mean, if he didn't mention it to you, perhaps I should.

No, he hasn't mentioned this to me or that someone would be calling.

That's just not natural that he wouldn't mention this.

That's why I'm asking all of these questions because he never said anything about it.

He just needs to collect a stool sample after every bowel movement.

And it's very simple.

He's supposed to have carrots.

Do you have any carrots there now?

Yes.

The long kind, not the baby carrots, the long ones, please.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Basically, all he does after he has a bowel movement,

he's going to take a carrot and shove it up as far up into his asshole as possible

and then put it in a bag and write the date on the bag.

You got that?

Hello?

Did you get that?

No, but maybe you need to do that.

Well, that's his responsibility, though.

No, it's my responsibility to tell you to do that

because this call is not a natural call, so you can just go to hell.

Ma'am, don't speak to me like that, please.

I'm a professional.

Well, you don't sound it.

I'm a licensed male nurse.

Yes, okay.

I believe it, too.

Well, I mean, I'm a smart person, and I command a bit of respect in this society.

Excuse me?

I command a bit of respect.

Well, I command a bit also, and I say that you can go to hell.

Now, did you hear that?

Did you hear that commandment?

Do you know?

Do you hell?

Go to hell.

Do you know what the Bible says about you?

Can you hear me?

Do you listen to Jesus?

Do you listen to him?

I sure am.

No, you don't.

Dr. Nargis is a beautiful Catholic.

Good for him.

And I am ordained through the body and blood of Christ to give you these instructions.

Good for him.

About the stool sample, ma'am.

So I expect you wrote them down because there's going to be a quiz at the end of this conversation.

Go to hell.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you fucking penis chicks!

Be sure to visit us on...

You're listening to the Jackdive Radio Network.

1-888-278-8509

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom.

You check the GPS and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We will always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Anybody out there, if you're just thinking about doing the jump to Stevia,

be sure that you realize that it's about three times the strength of sugar.

sugar so use a third of what you would use in your coffee and your tea whatever you're going

to put it in supposedly you can cook with it just like sugar that's what i hear i haven't tested it

yet if

I had money to invest in something, I would invest in a Stevia plant right now.

I think it's going to be the next thing.

When it starts getting out there

It's starting to get out there now

I got a good feeling

If Coke and Pepsi are both producing the stuff

And selling it already as a sweetener

You know, that only means

It's just a matter of time before they start

Putting it in Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi

And Diet Dr. Pepper, all of those

And I wonder what it's going to taste like

It's probably going to be cheaper than Splenda

For them to do it

And why wouldn't they?

And if they're producing it themselves now

They're not having to go through

Whoever makes Splenda

Is Splenda a company?

Like, who fucking runs Splenda?

There's got to be someone making money off of that Splenda thing.

Who is it?

Oh, you know Splenda.

You don't know?

No.

What company is behind it?

What company is behind NutraStreet, for that matter?

Whatever.

Acetaminophen.

Not acetaminophen.

That's Tylenol.

All right, man.

Now I'm going to listen to too much Bone.

Starting to get into the conspiracy theories here.

I'm going to go to Wikipedia.

Yo, who the fuck is Splenda, yo?

I have to do a show tomorrow in the afternoon.

These fuckers on the TV, let me tell you something.

I never listened to – I never watched the local news on TV.

I got myself about ten links that are the main newspaper in town,

one of the main TV stations that I like their news staff the most in town,

one of the big four here.

And it's a bunch of local kind of community newspapers.

And some of them keep it current.

I don't know if Orlando – this sounds pretty wired.

I'm kind of surprised people say Orlando is small, but they've got an online newspaper for the east side of town.

They've got one for the west side of town.

They've got one for just downtown.

It's like actual news that just pertains to the side of town that you live in, and I go into those.

Anyway, I don't listen to the mass, Channel 6, Channel 2, Channel 9, whatever have you news,

whatever channel number it is where you live at midnight or 6 o'clock because it's all sensational as crock of shit.

The only time that it's valued me to watch it

Is when there's a storm coming

And supposedly I heard

I heard it like the day that it was coming in

There's some tropical storm coming in

That's how little I am on the pulse of local news

I don't worry myself with where I live in

Or local media or anything

This is a joke

Sweeps weeks especially

Anyway I digress

They were saying

This is the only time that I will ever really watch the local news

On a daily basis

Is when there's a storm in the area

That might be coming

Just to see what they're saying

and la tune in twice uh four times a day because the national weather service pushes the update out

at 12 and 6 of every hour 6 a.m 12 noon 6 p.m 12 midnight four updates and they've got intermediate

ones halfway in between that but here in orlando where i live when there's a hurricane that's

coming through us they're coming really near us they go wall to wall 24 7 we're just talking about

the storm of doom that's coming did you get your fucking water and fucking plywood and your fucking

gasoline and gasoline is running out of the gas station and there's no fucking bread left and

fucking they stopped selling beer because the sheriff said they had to a bunch of weird shit

but in between that time it's just rehash story bullshit the scarier and they're going out and

buying stuff and staying tuned 24 7 to their coverage so anyway all today they were saying

oh it's gonna start raining at 3 p.m 4 p.m it's gonna be the worst fucking weather you could

ever see and it's gonna who knows how long it's gonna take who knows how many tornadoes are gonna

a spin-off of this storm in Orlando, all over the place, it's gonna be carnage, and it ended

up being sunny and partly cloudy at 3pm, and not a drop of rain all night tonight, nothing,

because you can't predict the weather, everybody, it's fucking cockhorsery shit, I swear to

God, they go balls to the wall here, they're like, oh, fucking, we got this story about

the emergency center, let's go to Tom in the emergency center, Orange County, and it's

a bunch of old people on some phones out there with a generator going talking about yeah you

know if you're living in low-lying areas you need to get out and we got a shelter set up and none of

the shelters except pets and bring your own food and water because they will not provide that and

it's just that shelter the same story over and over again they get they'll get 20 stories they'll

print they'll go and they'll go to a target and they'll interview a few people like what are you

doing about the storm and there'll be one guy like yeah man i'm going in i'm buying all them

batteries and water and then they'll go inside the waters are you know the the shelves are bare

of water and batteries where will you get water and batteries back to you it's oh my god and they

always go to the beach there's always uh there's always three or four surfers at the beach and it

was like it was like lifeguards are off duties but these gentlemen are heavy surfers and they're

out surfing in the waters of tropical storm blah blah blah or hurricane blah blah blah and they

they talk to them and it's like you know some stoner surfer like yeah man elaine uh the total

surfer and it's the best waves you can get you know and they're always saying you know beach is

supposed to be closed and they could be arrested there you go stories like that they get 20 of

those going and they keep repeating them over and over and and between every three of them they go

to the weather guy again and they got this dramatic music like it's like hurricane big ass bitch or

whatever it is and like let's go back to scary terry in the in the weather center and he says

the same exact thing again you know and it meant to scare you or what could happen but the wind

swath will be and they always talk about oh and it was always a story about the storm surge and

you know the biggest problem is the biggest killer is the storm surge wow i've been rambling about

that but that's exactly what it's like this get a better pancreas i need a better pancreas why

Why can't I just get a pancreas?

Because it's not, you know, the thing is with diabetes, it's not your pancreas that's bad.

You've got insulin in your system.

Type 2 diabetics have insulin in their system as they should.

Probably more than they should normally on a normal basis.

But their cells lack the ability to be receptive so that the insulin actually binds to it.

And who knows what fucking makes it happen.

It's weird.

The receptors.

Your resistance to your natural insulin, you know.

know so really for a type 2 diabetic you know he can take insulin shots he or she can take insulin

shots but um it's not going to really help out that much it's like going nuclear on it and

eventually what happens the type 2 diabetic will become type 1 which is basically when i believe i

could be wrong but i understand that means that your pancreas has problem you know responding to

when it needs to create insulin or can't create it at all in that case you're just injecting

yourself regularly depending on time of day and uh while you're eating or getting ready to read

and your activity you you inject insulin because your body's not going to make it you know they

got it a little easier they just got to inject themselves once they do that they're good they've

got now that's coming out it's the size of a hockey puck it's full of insulin and they implant

it in your lower back like to your like right above your kidney kind of area and it's basically

like a kind of plastic kind of hockey puck and it's hollow and uh whenever your insulin is getting

low you just inject yourself into that and you fill it up so you only have you end up only having

to inject yourself like once a month i think instead of every day several times a day or with

the pen poking yourself a whole bunch to get your insulin you can just load yourself up for a month

you just got to get that implanted in your bag but fuck that's uh that's something that's really

amazing that's good science right there you know but the truth is uh everybody diabetics the the

moment that i was um the moment that a doctor you know told me diagnosed me with diabetes too for

the first time um that equaled uh i think like millions of dollars uh to the medical industry

um to the people who are making the drugs the test strips that i use now and to the doctors

are gonna get to make money and who knows whatsoever many visits and co-pays and this

and that they're going to be going on when you become a diabetic so doesn't it make sense why

perhaps if there is a a way to fight it or a way to get yourself off of the medicine uh it probably

wouldn't really be promoted that much think about it telling you that bone man gets in your head

i got that bone in my head chattering it up i got nothing to do i'm gonna keep doing this until i

see that the internet drops out we should call comcast we guys want to call comcast we'll ask

when the internet's going to go to hell.

All right, let's do it.

That HCG.

Watch HCG.

Thank you for calling Comcast.

Para continuar en español, marque el 9.

For quality or training purposes, your call may be monitored or recorded.

Please enter the telephone number, including area code, where you have or want service.

What a phone number.

I don't even know that.

What a joke.

You're at the main menu, having trouble with your swan.

Yeah, let's crash the show.

Executive.

They're not going to know anything anyway.

To improve your customer service experience, we would like your feedback.

Let's just enjoy it while we got it.

I could miss a Comcast, but no reality.

It's not their fault.

They're just answering the phone.

I said hang up.

He doesn't want to hang up.

Okay, unless that was somebody who knew the old back line and was trying to get on.

Someone was asking about getting on the show or listening.

Calling in.

What number?

I could turn on the conference line if you want to do that.

you gotta get at least uh we gotta get at least three or four people that want to do some pranks

all together on the line and then i'll turn it on that was ken i think asking about that

let me go through the message here see if i find any uh notifications we called sydney's sex health

the globe hotel wasn't working but thank you baz uh jay red wants us to call justin i got justin's

number he's sending him a request to prank the request to prank by the way if you didn't notice

is open again chat room if you go there that's where it's at around hotel cunts in paris they

They didn't work before.

I got a number for a hotel with hot tubs, which is apparently well-known for people making fuck.

I'm just going to give them a call to talk about making fuck there in the hotel, in the hot tub.

This one comes from Kim.

I'm going to have to look up that HCG diet there, buddy.

Reminds me.

I got a book about diabetes.

I want to recommend a diabetics out there.

Thank you for calling the Oasis.

This is Emily.

How can I help you?

Hey, big girl.

How you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

That's good.

How much are the spaces per night?

Or is it by hour or by night?

We close at 1, so our last space is at 12, and they are $39 for the hour tonight.

$39 an hour, and then you have hot tubs also?

That is what it is.

And the room has a hot tub?

No, it's like the room, and then it has an outdoor portion that has the hot tub.

Oh.

It's an outdoor room, yeah.

Can I have sex in the hot tub outside, or no?

No, we are a family establishment.

establishment is it outside the room is it a private hot tub or the rooms are completely

private yeah but i mean in the hot tub though it's a private hot tub right for the room you're

saying yeah the room including the hot tub is completely private locked doors 18-foot walls

yeah so i can have sex in the hot tub then with with my mistress but we're not that kind of

establishment so so it's not allowed to have sex there right then what is what's going to happen

and then what happens

if we do it

if we get caught

is it a problem

like what's gonna

I mean do you

charge a deposit

or something

like sex deposit

I don't understand

I've never done this before

I think that's one of

those places where

well it's obviously

any place that rents

the room by the hour

you know obviously

what they're doing there

we have lost data

well

podcast listeners

that appears to be

the end of Madhouse Radio

more than likely

that's all

thank you for listening

internet finally got

shut off by Comcast

I want to thank

everybody

everybody and who will listen to this at some point thank you for being on helping us out

tonight online madhouse radio was uh fun tonight while i lasted i could have kept going i was

doing great i think i wish i would have done more pranks

Calls (13, 55 min of 1 h 46 min)

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