Madhouse Hijack

own story was as curious as his narrative the tale of his life is the tale of a writer of

incredible vision an astute analyst and pundit a lyricist compassionate and callous a reckless

hedonist and disaffected malcontent and madhouse live this is carlito i've got tucker mike on with

me tonight hey tap hey hey carlito uh tonight we're gonna do prank calls i know that's just

Just blowing everyone's mind.

Milkman sent me a small list here.

I want to try this one.

I'm not...

I know we...

We're...

I don't even know what I'm saying.

He sent me this.

It's a diamond shamrock with a great idea of what to do to him.

Hi, is this diamond shamrock?

Is this diamond shamrock?

Well, what is this?

It's a convenience store, right?

Okay, I need to know if you sell Prince Albert in a can there.

Do you sell Prince Albert in a can?

Prince Albert in a can.

i need to know if you sell it do you have that product you don't carry it what that ruined my

because like the prank call goes like he's gotta say yes and then i've got it this is funny i've

got i've got to say he better let him out he's gonna suffocate hey carlito are you okay tonight

because people are talking about that you sound white for some reason i've always been white okay

all right uh but the show's gonna get better it can only go uphill from from here because

Because, I mean, that prank call kind of failed, but maybe we can try it again.

If you start from rock bottom, it always gets better.

That's true.

All right, so, I don't know.

Let's take a quick break and regroup and get Milkman to give us more numbers.

Lonesome loser.

No, yeah, yeah, lonesome loser.

And, yeah, we'll be right back.

I'm Nick Rapperson.

I spread good karma through positive music.

And harmony through my magical positive music.

I'm the old lady lover.

your grandma's coming to my house for supper she rode the train all through the beautiful

country lanes and got in a taxi cab hopped out the car and hopped up the steps and rung the doorbell

oh i i totally forgot um tucker did did i say it was did i introduce the show i forget

no you didn't huh no you didn't you don't have your captain's hat on oh that's the problem i'm

I'm going to go get that.

Yeah, everyone should go to Madhouse live and listen to the chat room.

And I mean chat in the chat room, not listen, you know, because that's silly.

And the webcam's on.

And I've got myself in the visible on the chat room.

Like I typed in slash mode plus minus plus I pound Madhouse Carlito.

And that makes it so people can't see me.

So I'm watching, but nobody can see me.

Tucker.

I can't see you.

Where are you?

I'm sorry.

mode i'm going to work on that um while we play some music here okay all right yeah but madhouse

live.com we're on cacti radio okay you have reached 259 motherfucker one hey please um this

is um my name is um cross and i need to know if your refrigerator is running currently yeah it's

fine it's a new one it oh it is running then oh god damn it son of a bitch oh okay we gotta call

Call her right back.

Teach her a lesson.

This is the important part of the call.

Just wait.

I hope she answers.

She said it's fine.

Ken's in the chat room saying the phone show blows assholes, and man, I love the phone show.

I can't get enough of the phone show.

Oh, you have reached juice.

Let's try one more time.

Wow.

It's just like faded out of existence.

Blew up the universe there.

Somebody from Minnesota is calling us.

Okay.

From unknown caller.

To accept, press 1.

I need to turn that feature off.

Hi, Minnesota.

Hey, how's it going?

Hi, what you doing?

I'm listening to Madhouse Fire and calling in.

That's crazy.

Yeah, and trying to make sense of having two audio sources.

Let me turn down one of them.

Oh, that's just crazy talk.

Well, the crazy talk is over.

Because now it's down.

Do you listen every week then?

Are you like a fan of mine?

Like if I were to come to Minnesota, would we have sex?

Yeah.

No, no we wouldn't.

Why? I'm Carlito.

Well, you might. You're Carlito.

Don't you understand?

You might. Not me.

Clearly, I'm missing something.

No, no, you wouldn't.

You might be someone else here, but not me, unfortunately.

Well, you know what?

What?

Fuck you. Take that.

Nice.

Why did she call the show? I'm confused.

I mean, not that that would be confusing if someone were to call into the show,

because that's perfectly normal for this show.

On this prank call, I hesitated.

I didn't say the punchline fast enough.

Hello, we have reached 2.5 now.

Our shit is weak, Tucker.

Damn it.

I thought we were doing so good.

I mean...

It's all your goddamn fault.

I mean, I know the last two prank calls failed, but, I mean, that's just to be expected on live prank calls.

I mean, what can you do?

Hello?

Oh, hello, this is John from the corporate office.

Yes.

And we show an alarm that your coolers are not working, and we need to make sure that you can, like, go and check and see if they're working.

And by the way, my name is Frank Valente.

That's important.

Sorry?

So could you check the cooler and tell me if it is currently running?

Three customers in line.

Oh, it's very important because the food could spoil,

and if that happens, that's literally $30,000 down the drain.

So their little packs of cigarettes don't matter.

Okay, I'll go check it. Hold on.

Okay, hurry up.

God damn it. You got to say, God damn it.

If I was in person, I'd slap her across the face.

Yeah, no, backhand.

Of course. Only real men do backhand.

you know what fucking milkman he's a big dummy he's gonna be calling in later though i'm pretty

sure oh no ken left he's not a listener anymore i'm so sad damn it carlita what's wrong with you

like there's okay you know i've got my statistics fuck did she hang up yeah that was my fault oh

no i think she picked up the phone when i said what's wrong with you we've got to call her right

back anyway my statistics relays it's like it goes up as it approaches seven o'clock or i guess

you know 11 o'clock and then in the last 10 minutes it goes good evening valero may i help

you goes down so is your refrigerator running then i don't know what you're talking about

the refrigerator if you're pranking me i'm gonna call the police i need to know if the

refrigerator is running just say yes please say yes you have to say yes otherwise i don't know

who you are otherwise it doesn't work i told you i'm frank valente from the corporate office

who frank valente from the corporate office i'm sure you've heard of me i sign your paychecks

my signature if you look on your paycheck and it's my signature and that'll prove that it's me

so the refrigerator the refrigerator is is running i hope it is so so that that's an

affirmative then but i still don't know who you are sir so you said yes your refrigerator is

running is that i got customers i know if you just say yes then then this will all be over

running fine your refrigerator is running you better go catch it

oh thank you so much ma'am thank you thank you it's harder it's harder when you actually do it

you know that was great oh back to music i guess i'm gonna keep the headphones motherfucker i'm

awesome no you're not dude don't lie i'm awesome i'm driving around in my mom's ride i'm a quarter

of my friends online motherfucker i will run away from sad though years ago the swagger of a cripple

i got little for cripple check it out press nine special hours instead of pickup time press nine

here it goes speak with a team member or see our website for details happy holidays thank you for

for calling FedEx Office on Queen Street.

This is Katie.

How may we help you today?

Hey, Katie, how do you spell your name?

Excuse me?

How do you spell your name?

My name is K-A-T-T-I-E.

K-A-T-T-I-E?

And is that a nickname?

Is your, like, full name Catherine?

No, that's my name.

No.

What did you need, sir?

Now, how do you spell your last name?

Okay, this is in regards to?

To my files.

For...

Are you placing an order?

To your papers.

No, this is...

Yeah, this is on my papers.

Tucker, Tucker, say it's to your papers.

It's on my papers.

like tell me how do you spell your last name okay chess like the game chess c-h-e-s-s yeah uh-huh

that's it what about your middle name um i'm sorry i don't give that out that's personal

why not i'm not asking for your social security number just your name we'll check our facebook

excuse me i'm not asking for your social security number i'm just asking that but i don't give my

personal that part on my business cards it does just have my first name and my last name i know

No, but I want it for my record.

It's not for your business card.

I'm very sorry, but I will not give away my middle name.

It's not like your Visa number or your PIN card.

What can I do with your middle name?

Sir, how can I help you?

You can help me by spelling your name.

I can't give that to you, sir.

It is not mandatory that we give that for our company.

I gave it because that is known to our customers.

It's on our business card.

Now, is that your real name or is that your real fake name?

Is your fake name like Alice Carbone?

I'm going to hang up the phone now.

Sorry.

I'm just asking for your middle name, woman.

Is it the same person that answers every time?

No.

You know what I do when in doubt?

What?

I would have been like, could I talk to a ma'am?

I mean, could I talk to a man?

That's what I would have said.

It would have been hilarious.

I would have said, let me talk to a man, sugar.

It would have been so funny.

So funny.

Get it?

Thank you for calling FedEx office on Queen Street.

This is Katie.

How may we help you today?

Hello.

Hello, this is Frank Valente from Valente and Associates.

Yes.

I need to know your middle name, please.

Sorry, I'm not going to give out my middle name.

Why are you being so...

It's not. I just don't give anybody my middle name.

I can give my first name and my last name.

That is the only requirement at our company.

I do not give away my middle name.

What about, like, I don't know, if you're dating someone,

do you give them your middle name?

No, I don't give out my middle name, sir.

What if it's your fiancé?

What if it's gone that far?

What if you had sex with somebody?

Okay, this is what I'm doing right now.

Now, I'm going to hang up and let's just have something to do with FedEx.

And after that, I'm going to put a trace on this call.

Oh, it does.

I'm sorry.

I cannot give you my middle name.

I need to give you my tracking number.

It's not something that is required.

I understand it.

But, sir, you have to understand something.

We do not have to give out our middle name.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry.

I can give you my first name and my last name, and that is it.

I apologize.

And it's personal information.

We do not have to do that.

I can direct you to a senior manager if you need to.

I am the store manager here.

Here, I can give you the district manager's number if you need to speak to him.

But we do not have to give personal information over the phone or in person.

I can just, as a manager, I can give you my testing and last name.

Can I give you my tracking number?

I have a tracking number here.

Would you like my tracking number?

Yeah, I'm trying to log into the FedEx.com, sir.

Okay.

Can you track your number, sir?

It's 1-3-6-4-9-6-2-6-0-1-1-9-4-4-8.

That's 1-3-6-4-9-6-2-6-0-1-1-9-4-4-8.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Where's that package at?

Okay, the destination is, oh, hold on.

If you say Albany, I'm going to scream.

It does say Albany.

Albany.

Not Albany.

Come on.

It's actually not even there.

It's in a place called Troutdale.

Troutdale?

Troutdale, Oregon?

Yes.

Oh, that's great.

Well, it's at the facility right now.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, that's very close.

So it does, it shows as a schedule for delivery for tomorrow.

That's like an hour.

And also, what's your middle name?

I'm sorry, I can't give you my middle name.

I need your middle name!

Give me your middle name.

I want that middle name.

Give me the fucking middle name.

Listen, I have a dot matrix printer.

I'm calling the cops and I'm putting a trace on your call.

Also, that's my real package.

You can just send them to my house.

Because you have my address now.

Brad Carter.

I mean, Carlito.

My name's Carlito.

Boss Wally.

Ma'am?

She's still there.

She's tracing us.

Crap.

Duh.

Go.

Be my neck not icy.

Eating at McDonald's because Subway's pricey.

My unibrow's plucked.

Just ask my mom if I could borrow 10 bucks.

She's like, for what?

Okay.

Are you still there, Tuck?

Tuck?

Oh, I put you on hold.

Oh my god, I don't know how to use Skype.

What the fuck?

Tuck, come back.

Hello?

Oh, hey, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

My mom just called.

Oh, you put me on hold.

Okay.

Skype's hard.

I love my mother.

do you want to talk to this person um um you can you can do a name thing if you want and just like

bargain with them be like i'm not we will have special hours just be like i'm not asking for

your visa number social security number you know just give us your move your name the team member

or see our website for detail i wonder how many people wrote down my tracking number you know

what like i'm not asking for your sin wait wait i have a question for you why why is that lady

gonna call the police like police i need your help somebody calls and asks for my middle name

i mean really i mean police never report prank calls unless they're like violent

because like if you call a police station right now they'll be like honey we're dealing with a

murder and a hidden run we don't care about your fucking prank i did bang my fist on the desk that

was pretty violent you're bangry ah the number went away i hate that skype does that i have to

type it in again oh all right i mean you can do it this time like bargain with them if she's

They're just going to think she's an idiot.

We will have special hours and FedEx pick-up due to the holidays.

Please speak with a team member or see our website.

Nunu says I have to do tit-size this time.

But I'm going to do name first.

I'll work up to tit-size.

You're all listening to Madhouse Live.

Happy holidays.

Thank you for calling FedEx Office.

This is Ernest talking to help you.

Hello, could I have your name, please?

Sorry?

Could I have your name, please?

Ernest?

Like E-R-N?

And E-S-T.

And last initial, please?

Y.

Why?

We'll come back to that one, because I have your tit size, please.

My what?

Your cup size.

Cup size first.

A, B, C.

What?

Who is this?

My name is Frank Valente.

I'm with Valente and Associates.

Okay.

And what is your business?

Did you say your last initial was G?

I wrote that down, but I think maybe I was just thinking that.

Yeah.

What is your business again?

Valente and Associates.

And what do you, or why are you asking me these questions?

Who are you?

I'm calling about your papers.

Ernest, I need to know your tit size, please.

About what papers?

Excuse me, I'm sorry, breast size.

My papers?

Yes, and first, I mean, we got your first name.

I like how he only hung up about the papers and not when he asked me what was his dick.

Oh my god, I'm not talking about my papers, that's personal.

No, but I'll talk about my tits.

Hey, Cyclone.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing. Oh wait, hold on, let's play music here quickly, and we'll be right back.

So now's the part of the show where we're going to talk about how fucking awesome the phone show is.

And, like, I love it so much.

And if it was on at the same time as my show, I just wouldn't do a show anymore.

So you first, Tucker.

I don't know.

But you can listen to my show, Revolutalk, on Cacti Radio.

Also, tuckermike.com.

It's kind of shitty, to be honest.

Which is way better than the phone show.

It's just you testing the microphones a lot.

No, goddammit.

Listen to it.

tuckermike.com.

How come you don't do them anymore?

Like, I mean, you did all your tests, and then it just disappeared.

Because I'm an artist.

i have inspiration and when i have the inspiration i like fucking own all of you so you're like

quality over quantity yeah that makes sense i guess

yeah like you can paint a thousand pictures but it won't beat my mona lisa

revolutuk okay sorry sorry to doubt you damn it and reason why you should watch the listen to the

phone lose to the phone show we call 7-elevens and get them to rip up playboy max we so if you

you don't like porn like have you ever actually called into the phone show yeah i did oh wait oh

this is lonesome loser on the line by the way yes lonesome loser has not actually called into

the phone show but somebody that sounds remarkably like him has yeah lonesome loser doesn't usually

call into this show either he usually just gives us the phone numbers but he wasn't giving us phone

numbers today and i'm called him up and i'm like what the fuck yeah he's not getting a paycheck

this week lonesome i'd really like to be a co-host let me fire up google so we can find something

been good to call um i've got something on the form machine request to prank machine that um

who sent this in number to prank this is a computer service company that has been unfairly

over posting 10 plus times a day on craigslist hurting legitimate businesses so since lonesome

loser such a deadbeat let me uh call this number it's in sacramento area according to the area

code because of course me Carlito I know all my area codes in the country so

somebody named big B sent this in is it even gonna be open I am so yes oh no I'm

sorry go ahead with the prank call on some loser it's your turn yes I have a

computer problem and I need to have fixed my computer it's Adele Adele okay

yes my Dell has a problem where it only just the browser will only go to gay

gay pornography sites. I've tried Chrome,

Firefox, and Explorer, run

antivirus. All it does is go to

gay pornography sites. And I think

there's something wrong, like a demon

screwed my computer, and it loves

gay pornography. Can you fix it?

Yeah, sure we can. We can fix your computer.

It's probably got a Trojan or virus

in there, and we can clean it up for you.

I've run all my antivirus stuff.

I mean, I got Norton, and even the

Microsoft antivirus. It still

keeps going to gay porn sites.

Well, if you have Norton,

that doesn't mean a lot to me

because I know how Norton works

and I know how McAfee works

and all other antiviruses.

So, yeah, if you really need it,

we can, you know, repair it for you.

We'll use our technique

and we'll get it up and running.

Well, question,

do your techniques make it go to straight porn sites?

Yeah, really need help

or are you just playing around?

I actually need help,

but my friend Brad actually has a computer problem

because it doesn't like Skype at all.

Carlito, excuse me.

Carlito has a problem because it doesn't like Skype.

Yes, it doesn't like Skype.

Well, if it doesn't, then whatever, you know.

What do you mean whatever?

You need to fix it.

Excuse me?

You need to fix it, sir.

You want a prank call or you just want to talk seriously?

Listen, is there a man I can talk to there?

I need to talk to a man, honey.

Well, there's a real man there.

Please get me a man.

Yes.

Only men know about computers.

Right, exactly.

Well, if you're one of the competitors or, you know, go ahead.

Did you just sniff like you were all

superior? Was that what that was

in the middle of your sentence?

just don't like to talk to idiots.

Could you please speak clearer, like removing the microphone from the cock of the black man you are sucking?

Can you please get a life and do your thing, idiot, and not call people and be jealous?

Why don't you just hang up on us?

Yeah, I command you to hang up the phone.

Are we really worth your time?

I command you to hang up.

Hey, only I command people.

Hang up, little boy.

Hey, quick question.

What's your phone service?

Did he just hang up on us?

Oh, I don't know.

He's an obedient little bitch.

So he should be called back.

Just so I can hang up on him.

I want to be all like,

eat him.

Nunu's being racist in the channel.

I think we need to kick him.

Hello?

Aha!

There.

Speaking of racism,

we should call Randy Dandy.

Okay.

He might be a like this time.

Yeah, that's true.

It's a different time of day.

uh let me get his notes up here who computers is hard to work i don't get it i need um some

sort of technical support from craigslist a button presser that would be nice randy dandy

smoke weed every day when he uses my text message tone he'll be like standing in line at mcdonald's

smoke weed every day he'll go off in church yeah i remember i was listening to a um some stupid show

show called The Phone Show.

God, fuckers.

Yeah, there's fuckers.

And on the podcast, there was a...

Leave a message, please.

Oh, hold on.

Thank you and have a good day.

Go hack Carlito.

I'm going to try.

That is not a valid option.

No, it is.

Sorry, the message is not recorded.

Go ahead.

Press the pound key when you have finished.

There's like...

Oh, maybe if I hit star.

Star?

Maybe they switched machines after we hacked it the first time.

Yeah, their first phone machine was a shit machine.

That's right.

They had a new phone machine.

It's an answering machine machine.

Damn it.

Why do I hear myself echoing?

Is that...

There's not a valid option in this menu.

Is it a valid option?

To simply leave your message, press 1.

Otherwise, to hear it, press 2.

Oops.

All right.

Milkman, are you getting numbers for us?

I mean, Lonesome Loser.

Yeah, I found one.

Okay.

What is it?

Or maybe if you just paste it into the chat.

Okay.

Let me find out how to do this on the new Skype.

All right.

We'll play music while you're figuring things out.

yeah it's pretty weird that i'm playing so much music that's similar to the phone show

tonight i think you got a virus maybe you really need to do take it into your you know computer

repair stop shop maybe oh hold on let me let me pick up this call here real quick before i call

walmart hello uh yes i'm calling about the ipad madhouse radio carlito speaking the ipad what do

you want to know about the ipad is it still for sale are you gonna use it for kiddie porn because

because that's what the last person used it for.

No.

You're not going to get the kiddie porn app?

I didn't know there were kiddie porn apps.

Liar.

What apps do you have on it right now?

I have five kiddie porn apps.

You have Pedobear?

And Angry Birds.

Oh.

And he has all the episodes of To Catch a Predator,

because he wants to know how to get away with it.

Will you take...

I was wondering if you'd take a little bit less for it.

I can trade for Pokemon cards.

Okay.

What Pokemon cards are you interested in?

Um, any really. I mean, I'm just trying to build up my collection. I'm just now getting started.

That's cool, because my cousin, he collects Pokemon, and I'm supposed to babysit him tomorrow night.

So, I could probably take all of his Pokemon cards when he's not looking.

Oh, shit. Don't do that.

Hey, man. Why do you want an iPad with KinePoint apps if you're going to go over and babysit your cousin?

That sounds really, really wrong.

wrong. I've got my dot matrix hooked up to my iPad and I'm printing out kiddie porn right now.

I think we need a call to catch a predator on the sky. Sir, what's your name and address?

I have his phone number. I just want the iPad. Well, I need to get your name and your address

to send you the iPad. Yeah, we're going to mail it because I don't like people.

You can't meet me at Wendy's? That sounds sketchy. Is that what you say to kids too?

If you want the iPad, you need to masturbate our horse.

Aw, he hung up.

Here, let me call him right back.

And then we'll call Walmart for Lonesome Loser.

Oh, it's Tucker Mike that's repeating things like 30 seconds later.

No, it isn't.

No, it came from your thing.

I saw it blink.

Hey, stop looking at my thing.

Hello?

We got disconnected somehow.

I don't know how, but we were talking.

I was in the bathroom taking a dump.

I had to get up.

Oh, I see.

Dan is taking a dump of Codename for having sex with a little boy.

No, I was pooing and I had to wipe my butt.

You know what I think this guy does for a living?

I think he's a Catholic priest.

So do you want the Pokemon cards or not?

Yes, please.

Would you like my address?

All right.

Meet me at, I'll tell you what, since you don't want to meet at Wendy's, we can meet at Walmart.

Yeah, that sounds less sketchy, really.

Yeah.

All right.

You want to meet in the bathroom or you want to meet in the toy section?

He's not going to meet you in the bathroom because if he meets you in the bathroom, you're going to want to fuck him in the ass.

Yeah, let's stick to the toy section right next to the Pokemon cards.

This can't be real.

No, I'm pretty sure it's legit.

Where do you want to meet at because there's two of them.

The closest one.

You pick.

You want to meet on the west side?

Yeah, west side sounds great.

Okay.

All right.

I'll see you in about 10 minutes.

I'm wearing a pink shirt.

Okay.

I'm wearing...

I think that was Milkman.

You think?

Yeah, because he was talking about...

What do you call it? I remember he did a prank

before to some girl at a hotel

or a gas station. He'd be like,

when do you guys close?

Can I take you to go potty?

So they're all alone.

And he's like, oh, excellent.

I don't know.

Yeah, it could be.

You'd think I would recognize his voice right away,

but for some reason I didn't.

Yeah, something's wrong with you.

you at the end it's like giving you like something in your in your phone or meal machine okay lonesome

loser this is for you this is walmart yeah ask about your names and you need it for your papers

yes ask about your name just like tuck said how to spell uh yes uh what is your name i'm from the

immigration nationalization service uh why do you need my name because i'm a bar operator i'm

updating my files on oakridge walmart employees just to ensure that they have the legal right

to work in the United States.

Hang on a minute.

You need to speak to management.

They don't let Mexicans be managers.

Come on.

Hey, Carlito, you just joined the IRC.

Finally.

Oh, yeah, I figured out how to do the plus minus slash mode pound madhouse Carlito plus

I.

I mean minus I.

This is Sluss.

How can I help you?

Hi, my name is Agent Roberts.

I'm from ICE, and I'm calling to get the status on all of your workers to ensure that

that they are legal to work in the United States.

First of all, I will need your first and last name as spelled.

Hold on, hold on.

Let me put you on hold.

Let me put you on hold for a minute.

How do you fuck up?

Woman.

I dare it.

Was that a hang up?

Did she hang up?

No.

No, she put us on hold.

I thought she was being a smart ass.

Motherfucker.

Hey, that just gave me an idea.

We should prank call Jeopardy's contestant line.

Okay.

Are they even open?

I don't know.

What time is it in LA?

You should say you're in a wheelchair because Jeopardy is racist against cripples.

You know, in like over 30 years or whatever, there hasn't been anyone like handicapped on the show.

Like TV shows don't like handicapped people.

I don't know, people in the IRC can try to prove me wrong.

But I'm pretty sure there was no handicapped person on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune.

I totally agree, Tucker Mike.

Yeah, Carlito.

Thanks for calling Walmart. This is James Wiggum. May I help you?

Yes, my name is Agent Roberts. I'm from ICE.

Ice, and I'm calling to confirm the status of all your employees, if they are legal to work in the United States.

First of all, I will need your name, first and last, spelled out, please.

Okay, you'll need to come into the store, bud.

We don't give out personal information over the telephone.

Well, this is, I am from the United States government.

I actually do need that information over the telephone, because due to the roads, we won't be able to have someone come in tonight.

And it has to be done by midnight.

night okay uh got a phone number i'll call you back yet sir hold on one second please okay the

number is 505-796-4021 did you just tell him that this is recording what is it you heard me the

number the number is 505-796-4020 4020 that's correct all right i'll have somebody from our

home office contact sir thank you very much good night we'll call right back it's gonna be funny

I want someone from Walmart Corporate

to actually call us in.

Whenever we get a phone call from that area

of code, we need to pick up the phone

and be like, hey, this is the United States Immigrant

Record Department.

I don't know. Let's talk with them.

I was going to call them right back.

The number disappeared. Fucking Skype.

How does it work?

That guy is calling back.

I lost him. I was going to pick up, though, guy.

Yeah, guy.

Could I have housewares, please?

Housewares.

Damn it. I assume I'm being transferred.

I don't know, though.

I wonder where they pick up, like at the cash register or some, you know, phone office upstairs.

I'm not sure. I mean, I think it's downstairs somewhere.

They've got people multitasking.

I know at Target they pick up at the fitting rooms.

That's hot.

Yeah, it is.

That's where all their phone equipment is, is in the fitting rooms.

And their camera equipment, if you know what I mean.

Wink, wink.

I'm bored.

Let's end the show early tonight.

Let's do something crazy this week and end the show early.

Have you ever heard of Mac-10?

No.

Yeah, me either.

You have?

I know what a Mac-10 is.

Oh, no, he's like a rapper from L.A., I think.

Who cares about rap?

You can't spell crap without rap.

He's worked with the likes of Snoop Dogg and some other famous people,

which tells me that he's just not good enough to make it for real.

Yeah.

Anyway, if I were to leave right now, I could go watch him in concert.

How far is Manhattan?

Oh, hi.

I need your name, please.

This is John from the office upstairs.

Uh-huh.

This is Brenda.

Amanda. Oh, and what's your last name?

Washam. Washam? Oh, and your middle name?

Gail. Gail. And

your cup size? You're an idiot.

No, it's for the record. It's for my

papers. It's for your papers. For my record, you're an idiot.

No, it's for your papers, ma'am.

Oh, what's going on? Sir, I mean, sir.

No, I meant to say sir. Because you're a ma'am

and when people are female, I call

them sir because it's funny.

Hi. Hi, iPad guy.

Wait, where are you? I don't see you.

Hey, wait, hold on.

I got a middle name, Tucker.

Oh, really?

Fucking awesome.

Hey, Carlito.

I found the number for Jeopardy.

She's going to be sorry now.

Are you where the clothes are?

Yeah, I was in housewares for a second talking to that lady, but I'm heading back to toys now.

You're headed to toys?

I'm heading to toys, jerk.

Okay.

Don't be a jerk.

Did you get any panties?

You're in the quietest Walmart ever.

Did you get any panties?

I don't need any panties.

I have plenty.

What color are your panties?

Polka dot and pink polka dots.

My pair is a polka dot.

I got a yellow polka dot in the front and a brown polka dot in the back.

Oh, there it is.

I came.

Okay, I'm done with him.

But I have polka dots inside polka dots.

Hey, Lonesome Loser, have you got new numbers for us yet?

Yeah, I think I got the number for Jeopardy ticket reservations.

It's in Skype chat.

The 818 number.

Oh, 818?

Yeah, by the way, Carlito, I think we need a smoking weed every day.

We've gone too long with that one.

Oh, yeah, no kidding.

Smoke weed every day.

I almost forgot.

You're slacking.

Here, let me do it twice.

Smoke weed every day.

I totally made up for it there.

Sign up for Jeopardy and say you're handicapped.

Say you're in a wheelchair, but say it at the very, very end.

Fisha in the chat room says that he or she is confused right now,

and I don't understand why.

Yeah, Fisha, this is Tucker Mike.

That's Carlito.

What's to be confused about?

Don't you ever listen to the show?

You noob.

Fucking noob.

this is Lee Valentine

I can't come to the phone

right now

but at the tone

please leave your name

and telephone number

Lee Valentine

he sounds like a cup drinker

he sounds like a

fucking cup drinker

that's such a Hollywood name

Valentine

I think

I don't know

I'm just saying that

because it's in Hollywood

yeah okay so

yeah thanks for letting us

download some Lizard

I want to play music again

yeah sorry about

I didn't think it'd work

hold on

let me try to find

something else

alright find some more stuff

or I'm going to end

the show earlier

call a uh 7-eleven in galveston texas hey tuck challenge the rock i want to make love it's just

been brought to my attention that there is an imposter in the chat room jones can i help you

hold on oh hey um this is john from the corporate office uh who's this i don't know who you think

you're calling but this is jones we don't have a corporate office my boss comes in here every day

thank you don't be a smart ass wow by the way um nunu um i mean yeah um nunu pointed out that

that you aren't saying any bad Indian words yet.

So start swearing, Malacca motherfucker.

I was just getting ready to,

and I mean, I was going to say like Ulu Kapatha,

but I'm going to say that to some Indians

at some convenience stores,

and that's going to teach them a thing or two.

Fuck Indians.

How about 7-Elevens in Houston?

Yeah.

Houston, Texas, or Baytown, Texas.

What did she say she was, though?

Like they've been switched to another company?

Uh, they're privately owned and say my boss comes to work every day.

The owner or whatever.

There's no corporate.

Comes to work every day.

Oh yeah, there's an imposter in the chatroom, you guys, um, someone calling himself

Lonesome 2010.

He wants you to think he's Lonesome Loser, but obviously it's not him, because you're

not on...

When they talk, it's in the chat, too.

That's not me, either.

You're not on the IRC, are you?

Uh, Lonesome Loser?

Actually, I am.

I am the original Lonesome Loser.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I thought that was, uh...

Good job.

Okay.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to be accusing.

That's fine.

Lonesome 2010, you're...

Fuck, I forgot what I was about to say.

Too much alcohol.

Oh, no, that's what I'm saying.

Lonesome 2010, that's the fake one.

You're Lonesome Loser, right?

Right.

Lonesome 2010 is a fake motherfucker.

So there is a fraud in the chat room, and I...

If I understood how to work the IRC machine, I would kick him so much right now.

I would just...

I would be like, plus K, slash...

And then you would play a...

Slash Madhouse.

For IRC.

Yeah.

Or I'd be like this.

Like a click.

That's what I'd do.

that's the sound i have in my mirc i think we should say hello to fedex again oh yeah of course

the 808 hold on hold on the same one i just had an idea what was that 7-eleven we called that uh

excuse me what was that 7-eleven that the phone show called and uh was it linear that no who's

it to get the legend that was that he hasn't called in the phone show over a year i know

who's the guy that on the phone show that got the 7-eleven to rip the playboys that was legend i

I was listening this week, and I heard Legend813 do that.

We should call that one again.

I don't remember which one it was, though.

It was in Chicago.

Matt remembers which one.

Oh, no.

Matt.

There's three of them in Chicago.

Here.

This is me talking.

I'm going to do this.

All right.

This is 7-Eleven in Houston.

I mean, in Dallas.

Get them to get lost this time.

7-Eleven.

Hey, who am I speaking with?

Root.

Can you spell that for me?

R-O-U-T-H.

Okay.

Okay, I'm calling from Playboy Corporate. I need you to remove any Playboy magazines for the month of December with Kendra Wilkinson on it.

We don't carry.

Well, according to my records, you have. According to my papers, you do.

I don't see no Playboy magazines in here. We don't carry it in here.

So who am I speaking to, Root, and what's your last name?

H-A.

H-A?

I.

L-E.

L-E?

M-A.

M-A?

R-I.

R-I?

A-M.

A-M?

Yes.

Okay.

You're so fucked now.

This is Iceman.

Please stay on the line.

An agent will be with you shortly to process you for deportation.

Thank you for your cooperation.

You know what she did?

She just threw down the phone and ran out the door.

That's what's happening there right now.

If only we had, like, a live webcam that we could watch there,

and we could have seen her run out the door.

But we don't.

Damn it.

You know, damn it all to hell.

Who the fuck has a name called Root or Roat?

Mexican.

mexican is that mexican did you have another number lonesome loser or uh should i just call

more 7-elevens uh i really don't have anything i think we should call 7-elevens i forget which

walmart that was that brenda gail washington worked at i really wanted to call housewares

back and is that that was walmart oak ridge is that the one that you posted yeah okay uh not

818 is it it's 865 area code yeah it's 865 okay i'm gonna call and ask for her by name i want to

to do a reverse address in the house that where um john bonet grew up you're finding the number

there well i wasn't listening good i'm sorry i was looking at something else on the wall

and wall fucking walls how do they work smoke weed every day that's better thank you for calling

no creature walmart oh hello could i speak to brenda gail washam please just a moment brenda

gail washington washam learn how to pronounce gail's name i mean rid of his name how big are

your titties game oh hey um tuck you should um talk to her because she doesn't know your voice

and ask her what her cup size is.

Okay.

I just put a 3711 numbers in Skype chat.

The top one is the one that Matt went to on the phone show.

Hello, Gail?

Gail?

No.

Who am I speaking with?

We have our phones monitored.

If you want your number traced, we can do that.

Oh, my God, I don't care.

Put Gail on the phone.

It's Brenda.

She's not here.

Where the fuck did she go?

If you call back again, I'm going to get on to you,

because I'm calling management.

You're going to get on to me?

Oh, I'm all ready, baby.

How do you like it?

Oh, you're a stupid idiot.

I'm going to get on to you?

What the hell is that?

Dude, if the roads weren't shit, I would be so tempted to actually drive over there and

ask them about the prank callers.

You asked for Gail, Tuck.

It's Brenda.

Brenda Gail Washam.

You fucked it all up.

You know, I never fuck up prank calls.

But hey, I got a date.

I got a date.

She's going to get on to you tomorrow night.

That's true.

You're going to get some tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So, all right.

oh wait so are you sending me 7-elevens that were on the phone show this week

yeah yeah the top one is the one that matt made his no playboy video at

okay what are we gonna say to them uh let's say there was

penthouse that was supposed to get yanks not playboy

oh um like i'm sure like nobody knows what the hell we're talking about but on

the phone show this week uh that i was listening to because i i

kind of like rbcp's show um they called up 7-elevens and they

They were successful in convincing 7-Eleven employees to rip up issues of Playboy because supposedly there was an underage girl in the issue, which was a lie.

But we're like, you know, legends like, you know, you got to rip this up, and we're going to come and collect them or something.

We can't have you selling them to people.

That's what happened.

Do you believe me, Lonesome Loser?

I don't believe you.

Yeah.

Tuck.

Okay.

Were you guys listening?

I'm going to link the model that y'all should try to say that's underage.

Kendra Wilkinson.

oh yeah that was playboy that's not penthouse penthouse shows asshole right yeah it doesn't

have sex or just a nudie uh i don't know i think they actually do have sex or lesbians you know i

think it's been like i don't know at least 10 years probably like 15 since i've seen a penthouse

or playhouse or anything like that like who the hell even has those anymore i got you porn.com

damn it and red tube and eskimo tube what about like john bonet would look like naked hello oh

Oh, am I talking, you guys?

Can I talk to you?

Oh, I guess I'm talking.

This is John from the corporate office.

We had somebody call yesterday about your Playboys, and that was a mistake.

Do you have Pint House there?

Pint House?

Yeah, Pint House magazine with the naked pictures.

Let me check.

Oh, okay.

There were, yeah, I remember there were...

Yeah, I do have my .matrix printer running, so it's okay.

All right, I think we don't have it.

Oh, which naked magazines do you have?

Playboys.

Oh, do you still have those on the shelf?

with kinder wilkinson oh yeah i didn't get you oh do you still have playboys on the shelf

we have playboys are they on the shelf currently uh you want how many you want no no i'm from the

corporate office with 7-eleven all right yes i'm with 7-eleven i'm with the corporate office

all right all right uh i don't know so yeah we have playboys are they on the shelf currently

Um, I don't, wait, actually, yeah, I don't find, I don't find, I don't find any.

Oh, okay, well that's good because we can't have those on the shelf.

There was an underage girl in them this month.

Yeah.

Oh, alright, alright.

But what other magazines do you have there?

The naked magazines?

With the dirty, sexy pictures?

Naked magazines?

Me,

To remove everything from the shelf?

Yes, all of the Naked magazines, because they all have this Kendra Wilkinson in it, like advertisements for Playboy.

Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, we have to take them all off the shelf. My dot matrix printer says so.

Can you, like, enumerate the names of that so that I can be fast in checking?

Oh, well, it's just the ones that are naked. You know, they might have plastic wrappers around them.

Oh, okay.

Could we put the plastic wrappers on them so employees don't read them?

Like Curve?

The plastic wrappers.

Yeah, they're the magazine Curve.

Yeah, Curve is one.

Alright.

It's got like boobs on it.

Yeah, I think there's only Curves here.

Oh, that's all you have is Curves?

Yeah.

Because that's one of the ones on our list.

That's the one on the list?

Yeah, because we, how many issues are up there?

I have like four of them.

Oh, four?

Yeah.

Okay, could you take those off the shelf?

And we need to destroy the covers on those.

Where are you, by the way?

I'm with the Southland Corporation with 7-Eleven in the corporate office.

So I'll just remove these from shelf, right?

Yes, that'd be perfect.

And also, we need you to rip the covers on them.

Rip the covers on them?

Yeah, it's very important because it's against the law to have those in the store,

so we have to rip the covers to make sure we don't sell them to anyone by accident.

Okay, I think I have to talk to my manager for this.

I have my dot matrix printer on, you hear it?

Do you have the number of your manager?

Yeah, his name's Legend.

I'm sorry?

Okay, well you're still going to take them off the shelf though, right?

And could you put them down low, like in a cabinet or something, so they don't accidentally get sold?

Like, maybe put them under something, like under other papers?

Or under a six-pack of beer?

All right.

My dot matrix printer is also saying that it would be okay to stack it underneath, I don't know,

just like a bunch of cardboard or something that's underneath the counter.

All right.

All right, I'll do that.

Okay.

Yeah, make sure those don't get sold, though.

Oh, sure.

And we'll call and talk to the manager tomorrow.

All right.

You can contact your store manager.

But if you have a change of heart, it would be best if you rip up those covers.

All right.

I'll just dump them.

Oh, you'll put them in the trash?

No, no, no.

I mean, I'll hide them somewhere.

Yeah, hide them.

really good yeah sure like you do at home all right okay thanks have a nice day

seriously those carlito carlito you're a good christian do i get healthy applause

no you're just gonna golf clap oh damn it you're a good christian carlito christ would be proud

i know i'm totally getting into heaven now you're stopping immorality and pseudo sodomy i thought he

was gonna do it at first i thought he's gonna rip him up so wait um uh lonesome loser is is that the

one that actually did rip one up last night or is that the one at matt's house uh i mean earlier

this week the first one on the list that was matt yeah yeah oh okay uh two three six zero one eight

eight is the one that they ripped him up at i see should we get legend on the phone because he's

so much better at this than me the only problem is i don't see him on and what we need to do we

We need to call a school during a time of a next shuttle mission

and do, like, an anniversary prank call to the same school, like, 30 years later.

That would be awesome.

Oh, and since nobody knows what we're talking about,

we should, of course, you know, clue them in to how awesome Legend is.

Legend hacks the grade school.

In the 80s.

In the 80s, before the internets and everything, and before tape recorders.

So that's his excuse not to, you know, record it.

I was recording phone calls in the 80s.

I'm sorry, go ahead.

Fucking legend.

Yeah, fucking legend.

Yeah, but he called grade school, said he was an astronaut in space, in orbit.

And he called school and he had an interview with the kids, you know.

So the kids asked him, you know, what is it like to sneeze in space?

How do you guys go to the bathroom?

Yeah, they assembled all of the kids into the auditorium or whatever, into the gym.

How do you make oxygen in space?

You know, what do you do on the, you know, mission and shit like that, you know.

And then he got disconnected.

and then they called nasa and they said yeah we never we never called here yeah that's an

that's an epic prank and instead of like you know because this is an 80s so and they had kids call

down class one by one to the gymnasium or the office or whatever where the call was and they

asked the astronaut questions and they did that for about an hour and some of them were probably

so excited and then they just had their dreams crushed when they found it was a prank it

It probably affected lives seriously, you know, like we should find out that same school and call it back during some shuttle mission or something.

What I want to do, like Legends tried this, but I guess he hasn't been successful, but he's tried to find Facebook of the students, of the kids.

But I think I'm going to try and put some work into that and like find these people.

So you're calling from orbit?

And I'm going to suggest to RBCP that he do a PLA radio on the episode.

Yeah, fucking RBCP.

His last PLA radios weren't original content

They're just from the phone show

Yeah, he's kind of lost it

He's kind of, I don't know, past his prime

Optimist prime

More than meets the eye

Transformers

We're doing this backwards

All I'm going to say about Transformers

Well, of course there is the

Transforming current and voltage

From high to low, step up, step down

Number of turns

I just remembered something, I'm missing Mac 10 right now in concert

Did you see the Transformers 3 teaser trailer?

The what? I'm sorry.

Hello.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

Want to ride in my truck?

I like noodles.

Want to masquerade horses together?

Who doesn't like noodles?

I like to take abs and ramen noodles.

Hey, will you go down on me quicker than a $2 hooker with the ashes?

No, we use Pepto-Bismol for that.

I'm going to leave you guys in the air while I go downstairs and pee.

You pee too much.

I like noodles.

I have bladder problems. Don't judge me.

You're taking a bladder shit.

Doodle.

Carlito.

Carlito's gone peeing.

It's only me talking to him.

I was trying to get him to play What What's in the Butt.

What What's in the Butt?

I say What What's in the Butt.

This guy, since he seemed to like ass.

What's in my butt?

I have a second candy motion.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

What is it?

One of the songs on the iPod.

one of the songs on the ipad smoke weed every day hey guys hey baby what happened that one of the

songs that's on the ipad that you have for sale yeah i was just playing it on on itunes on the

ipad hey play play uh what's in the butt do you have the afro man because i got high song on the

ipad um i don't have afro man i'm sorry what else do you like i was gonna make i was gonna make

I love to you.

Were you going to give me extra Pokemon cards if I had Afro Man?

But then I got high.

I was now being traced by AT&T security.

Then I got high.

Oh, that's Afro Man?

Is that Afro Man?

I'm looking for you.

No, I've got that somewhere.

Wait, what's it called?

I can't find it.

Then I got high.

Or I got high.

Because I got high.

It's called Because I Got High.

I'll just write I got high.

It's not there.

I'm working to stick my dick in the blender, but then I got high.

It's really weird that it's not in this thing.

It's on my iPhone.

WTF.

Now, I'm pretty sure I have that one.

I'm pretty sure I have that one.

Oh, no, not on this computer.

Oh, there it is.

Happy days.

Hey, do y'all want to go to have dinner with me tonight?

Yeah.

I want lobster.

Can it be at the McDonald's at Walmart?

Give me lobsters.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could go to the seafood section and get some lobster, some live ones,

and then we could go to the houseware section and get an iron

and plug the iron in and throw the lobster on top of it.

Well, you know, upside down.

That sounds so good.

And then throw the lobster.

We could grill it right there at Walmart.

That'd be the best.

I am out playing through the woods from the Ku Klux Klan.

Have I mentioned to you guys tonight that I'm missing a concert by Mac-10?

It doesn't really matter.

I could be at Mac-10 right now.

It started 26 minutes ago.

So you can show up and it'll be late?

I could be hanging out with Lisa and making out.

I mean Athena, Athena, not Lisa.

I don't know why I called her Lisa.

Oh, Athena's going to be pissed when you hear her.

Hey Carlito.

I'm texting Athena right now and asking her if she's there.

I just had a thought about the KKK.

Maybe we should call the British Nationalist Party.

How does the KKK song go?

I actually love that parody.

I used to sing that one as a kid.

How does a man get to be this way?

I've always got a smiling face.

Noon is saying it's time for a REM.

UK wake-up calls.

So I think that's a good idea.

It wouldn't be a madhouse life.

I'm trying to find their number so we can call it.

They're probably awake.

A UK number?

No, UK is only five hours ahead.

Five?

No, it's not.

It's like nine hours from where...

I mean, it's six hours from here in Florida.

Yeah, well, it's five hours ahead from where I am.

Come on, Europe.

Okay, here we go.

The number is...

I thought you were on the West Coast, Tucker.

Yeah, I don't know where...

I'm not going to put it in Skype.

It's like eight hours for you.

Oh, you posted it.

What country are you calling?

I was just in Germany.

Germany is six hours ahead of Eastern Time.

Yeah, they're probably five hours ahead,

so it's probably 4.30 in the morning there.

But that's the number if you want to try it.

So this is just the number.

this is not the country code right i have to dial plus 44 first is that i think so is that the

country code plus 44 i don't know i just put what's on their website oh okay i'm pretty sure

that's correct y'all sound like y'all know that i wasn't really we're on to you man we figured that

i'm trying to connect you please hold athena's not at the concert either because i'm not this

whole yeah we're calling we're calling uk calling the british national party we're sorry we're

We're unable to take your call at the moment.

The British National Party?

Give me your name and phone number, and we will get back to you.

All right, I'm going to get some real, like, residential phone numbers in the UK,

and then we'll be right back.

I'll tell you what.

If I said you had a nasty body, would you keep it away from me?

I'd rub it all over you.

It's supposed to be a residential in the UK.

Apparently they're not answering.

It's as if they're sleeping or something.

Probably because it's 4 and 30 in the morning over there.

I'm sorry the casters aren't in to take your call at the moment.

Oh my god, her voice is so funny.

She's like one of those comical British people on the movies.

Oh, you're good.

Hold on, hold on.

I found another number in the UK.

What is it?

I'm going to push the escape.

Okay, but I mean, what is it?

Top Gear.

Top Gear?

Yeah.

A business?

Like businesses?

No, it's a TV show.

Is it going to be open in the middle of the night, though?

Maybe.

The costers aren't in to take the call at the moment.

The costers?

Alright.

You should find a number at the 24-hour adult store and call it.

Hold on, I'm going to go Google that right now.

Are those allowed in the UK?

No, it's probably in the US.

I'm going to get one of these UK people on the line and I'm going to say...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I just found a store that's open 24 hours a day.

I'm going to say Ulu Kapatha and that'll teach them a thing or two.

It's in Skype.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment.

Yeah, 602 does...

Call them wankers and stuff.

That doesn't look very British to me, Lonesome Loser.

I just found a hair in my eye.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

We got an unknown...

Hey, unknown caller.

I'm sorry, I forgot about you.

What the fuck is wrong with their voice?

I heard you see a doctor.

I completely forgot they were on the line, but they called in.

Let's see, okay.

I'll call your 602 number in a minute, Lonesome Loser.

What?

Okay, there's an alternator in my car today.

Really? What'd you change it to?

It won't, because now my hands are black.

They aren't normally?

No.

Can't come to the phone right now.

God damn it.

Any reason to message off to the phone?

Are we calling people with Down syndrome?

Because they have weird accents.

Well, they're UK people.

I mean, usually...

What's wrong?

UK aren't people.

They're aliens.

That's true.

Lonesome Loser usually calls ahead on these and makes sure that we get people to actually

answer, but he's really failed this week.

My mom's got a porn shop in Australia.

They're probably open.

Oh, man.

Well, they'd be awake, I think, because they're like 12 or 14 hours, I think.

It's like the future over there.

I think they're 25 hours ahead.

Oh, crap.

It's a what?

An answering machine.

Oh.

An answering machine.

Let me see if I can hack it.

Probably not.

Sounds too advanced for me.

You can't hack British telephone systems.

Too complicated, remember?

Oh, yeah.

It's not compatible with my skills.

It's like in that show, Time Tracks.

Time Tracks.

Jinx.

His computer can do anything, but it can't hack UK phone systems.

All right, I'm going to try one more, and then we will try Lonesome Loser's Arizona number.

I never knew you can hack computers from a floppy drive.

That was the best.

You know what's really cool?

You know how this fucking retard and RBCP were doing match bombs?

Yeah, yeah.

And his fucking ugly girlfriend was helping him put it in a tennis ball.

but if you you know if you can open a uh a floppy disk and fill a floppy disk with match heads oh

yeah and you put inside in the computer it can make it blow up you like scrape off the number

which does not accept calls from telemarketers oh we're not a fucking telemarketer you scrape

off the match head powder you like you scrape off the match heads and it's into a powder and

then you coat it with um flammable fingernail polish to make sure it sticks on there yeah and

And then the reading heads on the disc, they heat it up and blow it and make it catch on fire.

What did those work with?

Was it just 8-inch, 5-3-quarter?

5-3-quarter.

I worked on the 3-1⁄2-inch, too.

You have reached the Carter residence.

The Cardo?

Carter.

For some reason...

The phone!

Oh, it hung up.

You went since you're Carlito, and maybe Brad won't mind doing it, but Carlito, can you call Richard Cardo?

Nah, I don't know his number.

Carlito, can you call RBCP's number?

Yeah, we should call RBCP. Let's prank him.

Alright, let's try this.

Man, I was really hoping what's-his-face would get on.

Milkman.

Yeah, Milkman. He's not online yet.

Oh, Milkman's on. Holy shit.

Good day, sir.

Oh, hi. Who's this that I just reached?

I'm sorry?

Who's this? What's your name?

Who do you want to speak with?

Oh, this is John from the corporate office. I need to know who I'm speaking with.

From the corporate office?

Yes, my name's Cross. Not John. You misheard me. It's Cross.

Okay.

Yeah, that's my name. And I'm from the corporate office. What's your name?

Looking for.

What's your name, though?

I need to know who I'm talking to from my papers, from my paper machine.

Yeah, I don't recognize you, boys.

From the corporate office, the only person that I know is not you.

Don't be a smartass.

I need to know your name and then your cup size after.

But first, your name.

I need to know who you are.

I'm Cross from the corporate office.

Sir, I would highly advise cooperation with Mr. Cross.

My name is Mr. John from...

Oh, motherfuckers.

You know what it is?

is i didn't play the dot matrix sound effect so it was totally unbelievable um we have to do some

stuff here real quick and then we're going to uh uh be right back stupid mom if your mom tries to

tell you to take out the trash give her a titty twister and a slap in the ass

i'm glad you liked my video lonesome loser yeah did the guy say anything after you uh no dude

Dude, the Playboys are still down.

I was there like 15 minutes ago.

So listen, Milkman.

Everyone, Milkman just called in.

Hey, it's the Milkman here delivering milk to all your moms.

We just called.

Okay, Lonesome Loser, was it the 7-Eleven at Milkman's house?

Is that the one I called tonight?

Yeah, that was one of them.

That was the one.

They had a magazine on the rack called Curves and four issues.

I had them take it off.

I tried to get him to rip them up, but they wouldn't do it.

Nice.

The Playboys are still off the shelf.

There's two guys there tonight that I don't know very well.

Oh, well, maybe we called the wrong one then,

because he said there were no Playboys on the shelf.

No, the Playboys are still off the shelf.

Oh, okay.

Cool, cool.

You're stopping out pornography there, Carl.

We're doing stuff for Christians.

Just in time for Christmas.

That gives me an idea.

Maybe we should probably call one of those televangelists.

or a prayer get a prayer

oh yeah prayer land would be good

prayer warrior

which one do you want me to

telecall to get

I mean there's 700 club what else is there

say you want to pray for the German

victims of world war 2

I'm going to try the last 7-11 on that list

of 7-11's in Chicago

I'm going to find their phone number

the one should be 63

or 60 something lake street

oh I don't have the address

i just i'm calling the last one hello seven hello this is paul from the corporate office

yep hello and i'm calling are you uh indian by chance i wanted to say

because nunu says i have to

that's the end of that chapter i love your laugh milkman uh i found it what the prayer lines yeah

i found 700 clubs yeah hold on one second or uh post it are they gonna really answer though

I mean I think they're 24 hours like for donations or whatever yeah I think one of you one of you

two should talk Tucker Lonesome Loser or I mean what do you want me to do I don't know like make

a donation bid five cacti I'd like to donate donate some aborted fetuses to them and Pokemon

cards Indian Indian dude I saw a fucking pedo bear shirt with uh who's that Pokemon really

Oh, it's just the outline of pedo there.

It's so awesome.

You should have got a picture of that.

Hang on.

No, it's not.

It's not.

It's not a modem either.

I don't know what that was.

It's not either.

It's pretty weird.

Hold on.

I just found something that's going to get us all sent to hell, but it probably will

be hilarious.

Okay.

What is it?

What is it, Lonesome Loser?

It is the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

It's open 24 hours a day.

I refuse to prank things like domestic violence hotlines

and teenage suicide lines.

Yeah, because the last thing domestic violence needs

is more calls and more money and more sympathy

because them broads fucking deserve it.

Lonesome Lizard, do you remember what happened

on Madhouse a few years ago

when I called one of those emergency lines

and the police came to my house?

No.

You don't remember that?

I remember that.

It sucked.

thank god he didn't have any cpn ever since then i remember me milkman here remembers when a

girlfriend called the police on me for choking the life almost out of her and they came to the

house and said i was sitting there like private pile from full metal jacket staring at him did

you do it finally they finally kicked the door in and beat the shit out of me and that's when i

I came to.

Did you really do that, though?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

God.

So, everyone listening, you should know that Milkman is a girl choker.

Girl abuser.

I put an R2-D2 hamper over her head.

I think that's important for everybody to know.

You dressed her up as R2-D2?

Yeah.

And then tried to choke her.

We're ruining Milkman.

R2-D2 doesn't have a neck.

Well, it was an hamper over her head.

So, she's a Muslim?

Yeah, well, damn near a corpse.

I'm calling the 700 Club right now.

Yay!

But that's how the milkman does it.

This is the best.

Most fan-made milkman in the world.

I'll try one more time.

It'll be good this time.

Hold on.

I think I found something also.

Oh, is it the Teenage Suicide Hotline?

Is it the Runaway Hotline?

No, no, no.

God damn it, it doesn't have it.

It's Islamic Relief.

What if you call it Canadian Hotline?

Would that be okay, Brad?

I mean, what?

Who are you?

What are you talking about?

Like, why did you say that name?

Sorry, it's a boyfriend I love.

I love a guy named Brad.

You know, sorry.

Weird.

Can you call a Canadian suicide hotline?

No, they have

every reason to commit suicide in Canada.

They live in Canada

for Christ's sake.

Them and their igloos.

I'm trying to find the chat room.

I lost it. Oh, what is it though?

Okay, I think

I found one. This may not be

open because it's in Chicago.

I'm trying a 700 club right now.

What is it, though?

Is it going to be like the NSA or something?

No, it's like an Islamic charity thing.

I'm going to be really sad if it's FBI field office.

happened before you're gonna

get Carlito you're gonna get your head cut off with dude screaming Allah Akbar don't want that

praise be to Allah if Mac 10's gone on stage yet I love Allah hello namaste assalamu alaikum you

You have reached the administrative...

Salami racked in bacon.

You may catch your party's three digits of suction

at any time during this message.

666.

If you need immediate help or...

You have entered an invalid extension.

Using the dial pad,

please enter the extension you wish to call.

To use the directory,

press pound.

To leave a message, press star.

To reach an operator, press zero.

Zero, that's what I'm hitting.

I used to have a girlfriend named Star.

I like to press R.

I knew a second name star.

You have entered an invalid extension.

That's enough of you.

You're really striking out, Lonesome Loser.

Goddamn ragheads.

Nothing you've done tonight is right, Lonesome Loser.

Yeah.

That's why he's a Lonesome Loser.

Goddamn it, they don't have a number for that.

I was going to call the NAACP nearest to RBCP's house.

Who's this RBCB?

They don't have a number for both Oregon or Washington, so what's the next closest state?

Wait, black people don't live in Oregon.

That's crazy talk.

The trees are way too high, because if they hung them from those, they'd break their neck or rip their head right off.

They don't even have one in Hawaii.

All right, I'm trying a person in the UK again.

We need to do some wake-up calls like we do every week.

What do you call it? Like a 7-Eleven in England?

No, this is just a person's house.

We're trying to wake people up.

That's the Arizona NAACP.

It's wake-up time.

Is it nighttime in England?

It's like five in the morning or something.

I just had an idea.

Six, I don't know.

Are there numbers?

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Hi, this is Cross from the wake-up center here in Chicago.

Are you a woke-up?

Is this Ms. Tompkinson?

Oh.

She went back to sleep.

You're doing a wrong thing.

She sounded like a lovely little bird.

That's it. That's my idea. I'm just going to call.

I'm going to stay right here.

Like, I just, like, I so wanted just a fucker sleeping mouth.

Hi.

Hi, I've got my dot matrix printer running this time.

This is Cross from the Chicago Wake Up Center in the United States of America.

Oh, yeah?

And if you hang up on me again, I'm going to give you a demerit, sir.

Are you awake?

Not really.

Oh, you need to wake up, because that's the purpose of this call.

It's a wake up call.

You've been entered into the machine, machine, machine.

I'm really confused.

Why have you called?

Excuse the ring, ma'am.

I'm going to stop it there

before Tuck gets in.

Eight inches of Tucker Mike.

You're only eight inches? Man, I'm ten.

She sounded so cute. My parents are at home.

Yeah, I know.

It reminds me of when I went to JonBenet's house.

I mean, no, I mean I'm Carly Hill.

Oh, wait.

I'm Carlita.

Dun, dun, dun.

Carlita doesn't have anything to do with John.

Of course not, no.

He wasn't a getaway driver.

Nunu brings up a good point.

This is a first on the Madhouse show.

Get under the bed.

I was just thinking that what we should do is call numbers

and have them set like a wake-up every hour to random use.

I feel sorry for British people that listen to this ringing noise.

It's the most annoying ring I've ever heard.

Or for somebody we don't like.

That little English broad sounded about it.

sounded about what i'm sure adorable i'm sure she has some little snaggly teeth doing which is cute

in her little school girl outfit i'm sure she was um 16 years of age or older because that's

probably the legal age there so it's okay yeah i called her yeah of course hell yeah it's okay

for the milkman too bring in the milk bring in the milk let's give me an idea milkman services

over in the UK are probably open.

How would you

go about looking? Would you look up?

Yeah, but what would you even look up?

Irrelevant services no one uses

anymore? I've actually been

to the UK. They actually have milk people

over there. That's the heading in the yellow pages.

That's it.

We just call them

milk people.

It's like right next to the blacksmiths.

Remember that time we called up a little

British kid and scared her? A little British

I was just reminiscing about like 10 minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

I'll shut up.

Oh, Carlito, you're so wacky.

You should be a wacky morning DJ.

I should.

I should move the show to six in the morning.

But then I couldn't do wake-up calls.

Well, I mean, I could do them in America, I guess.

Yeah, you could do a legitimate one.

Please enjoy the music while your party is reached.

Oh, no.

Hey.

That's a good song.

I'm a little baby.

So why don't you kill me?

I forgot to dial the plus 4-4.

Fucking UK.

How does it work?

Whoever that was with the loser plan, they might have been good people.

They might have been good to talk to.

They might have been.

Here's someone from New Jersey calling us.

Hey, New Jersey.

Hello?

Can I speak to Arby, please?

Hey, this is Arby, but shut the fuck up for a minute.

Hello?

Hi, this is Arby from the Chicago Wake Up Center in Chicago, Chicago, America, Chicago.

And I'm just calling to give you your wake-up call.

No, you've got the wrong number.

This is 4135.

Yeah, yeah, correct.

For Smith.

Why should I want to wake up from Chicago?

I don't know, sir.

That's just what I have here on my computer machine.

So you don't need to get all snippy with me.

No.

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't know what you want.

Goodbye.

Your parents are there, right?

Like, you're not alone.

Oh, hi, ma'am from New Jersey.

I can take your call now.

I'm sorry.

I was really, really busy here tonight.

I'm sorry, is this Arby's?

Yeah, but Milkman's the one that's got the ad up.

Go ahead, Milkman.

What's up?

What are you looking for?

I've got a couple ads.

I'm sorry, what?

The button presser.

The button presser?

You want me to press your buttons?

Sexy.

She presses my buttons all the time.

All right.

Yeah, this sounds fantastic.

But you're in Jersey, so you don't.

Hey, actually, I'm going to hang up now on you.

you what hey what the fuck lonesome loser just hung up on us i'll call him yeah that's odd you

gotta go potty i think hello yeah baby we were just talking about pressing your buttons and we

got disconnected somehow i don't understand it but uh go ahead milkman yeah no she's she's gone

yeah well you know what lonesome loser it'd be nice if you could just say that instead of hanging

up and hanging up on us yeah all right go ahead and hang up on me then maybe you'll be fired from

in the show. Me and Carlito are going to have a

talk afterwards. You've got to let me take you out with the

phone slam. So, here goes.

Bye, Lonesome Loser. Thanks for being on the show today.

Bye, dick neck.

Monkey face.

Monkey face, puke face,

eat off turtle slime.

Diarrhea eater. Yeah, and at that, we're going to

play some music.

Your mother was a witness.

Your mother's a mime.

Your mother's a mime

Welcome to our

I'll show the bitch my gratitude and cut his hands off

Everyone a suspect when it comes to my shit

I have a headache and the pain is traveling to my dick

I'm so stressed, I can't function without it

Whoever took it better have the strength of a thousand

Men ready for war, I'm screaming and shouting

My anger's bursting like scalding water from fountains

So who was it?

See our website for details

Happy holidays. Thank you for calling FedEx Office at University.

This is Allison. How can I help you?

What was your name again?

My name is Allison.

How do you spell that?

A-L-I-S-O-N.

Bam. Just one, bitch.

Last name.

Excuse me?

Can I get your last name?

Sure. My last name is Fadden. F-A-D-D-E-N.

You're awesome. God bless you, sweetheart.

You have a great night.

Excuse me?

Ma'am, this is his supervisor. He's new.

We need to know your middle name, please.

I don't have a middle name.

Yes, you do.

Don't lie.

Okay, then your cup size didn't work out too good.

Do you believe her that she doesn't have a middle name?

Everyone has a legal middle name.

I know some people are name retarded.

Like, I went to a school with a guy named Steve.

Like, his legal name was Steve.

Not Steven, but Steve, you know?

You know, the host of the phone show?

His name is Brad, but his legal name would be Bradley.

But, you know, they named him Steve.

Oh, that's kind of weird.

What is this phone show you speak of?

That sounds like where a lot of losers would hang around.

It's on the same station as us.

Nobody actually listens to it, though.

They don't have the numbers we have.

Ah, I bet not.

Or the machines.

Because the milkman's rocking the machines, bitches.

Yeah, it's a good thing you're not on their show,

because then everybody would be listening to them.

Yep.

Did you hear about that guy that changed his name to Captain Awesome last week?

No.

He legally changed his name to Captain Awesome,

and he legally changed his signature.

I don't know how this works exactly, but

his signature is a smiley face

with an arrow pointing to it on either side.

Nice.

With his work, his bank, everything,

his name is now Captain Awesome.

The only thing he can't get to change his name

is Facebook. They won't allow either of those

words as a name. Well, fuck Facebook.

It was down for like a half

hour today. The IRS is okay.

It was down for more than a half hour.

It was down off and on all day.

Yeah, I was like, oh my god.

The world's coming to an end.

WikiLeaks is hacking Facebook.

No, they were rolling out new pages

and they crapped out, I guess.

Their new look.

Let's blame WikiLeaks.

I like WikiLeaks.

I liked them a lot.

The documentary on them was fantastic.

I missed that.

It's online.

It's like an hour long.

It stopped shooting

two weeks ago.

You don't piss off the government, man.

Fuck you with your love of...

I'm not saying I love the government, but you gotta

know your place, man. If you fuck with the government...

No, you don't. Yeah. No, they need

to know their place. They're your

servants. You're so political, Tuck.

Together, you'll fucking set

them up. I can't really remember how I do these wake-up

calls normally, but I'm pretty sure Chicago's

involved. Chicago, Chicago. Not

Chicago, Illinois. Chicago, Chicago.

Chicago, Chicago.

Or New Chicago, Chicago.

Or New Chicago City. Of course.

Wow. Somebody

Somebody doesn't have an answer machine or voicemail or anything, which is bizarre.

I'll make them pick up at least.

They don't even have a fucked up fax machine that's not really a fax or a carrier.

That thing was weird, whatever it was.

Maybe it's like an alarm system.

I should have hit some touch tones.

I like that ring.

Yeah, that'd be a reason to move to the UK.

Welcome to BT Answer 1571.

The person you're calling...

It sounds so official.

BT Answer 1571.

Oh, the reason is just, dude, I would just live in a fucking pub if I moved in.

Don't you live in the bar here anyways?

No, I don't.

They're not, like, as cool and cozy as pubs.

No, their pubs are like Starbucks' mixed with bars.

They gotta have something in Chicago or wherever you are, Milkman, that's, like, a nice and cozy.

Hello?

There's kind of one.

Hello?

Hey, don't talk to me like that, motherfucker.

fucker i you didn't even say hello we were confused you have to say hello so we can properly

introduce ourselves didn't go well dude yeah because they're not like irate hillbillies

like they're just like good evening hi hello ah see i think you didn't say hello because you you

were talking milkman so i'm gonna blame this all on you okay god damn it that's why all i can do

is deliver milk your man milk zing in steaming semen or or what comes out of my breasts

because that's mainly blood blood and pus i'm not the pus coming out of your breasts oh crap

i forgot the plus four four again oh dialing phones is hard all right lonesome loser took

off didn't even give us any good numbers tonight hey baby this is uh frank valente from valente

and Associates? We're an answering service here

in Chicago. Do you believe me?

Was I convincing? Why not?

I'm not good

at this prank call thing.

We should say some British words

like, you know, I'm on the telly.

Call him a fat slag.

Yeah, I'm here

in Chicago, Illinois on the telly.

That'll help relate.

Also, I'll play the dot matrix sound.

Yeah.

People listening to the

Tomatoes live

Type out some British word

In the British language

Ask her to spell your name

Wow, she speaks really slowly

I'll just say windscreen

I'll do it, I'll do it

Let me do it

Hey Mike, how are you doing?

Good

Is your name Mike?

M-I-K-E or Michael?

Look man, I know you've been calling

I'm not giving you my name, alright?

No, I know

your name is Mike.

Please give me your name, Mike.

I love his

way he got so mad like,

look, man, I heard that you're

calling.

And we're not doing prank

calls, damn it. We just want to find out how to

spell their name. Yeah, how is it even a prank call?

What the hell? But it makes them so

mad.

Now, one brought it was more

than that. Just spell everything out for me.

Let's take a quick break.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I was just saying, let's take a quick break and find some more numbers to call.

And we'll be right back.

I'm a monkey.

You're not a monkey, Tuck.

I'm a monkey.

I'm a monkey, goddamn it.

I have a banana.

You are a monkey.

I'm calling the bar where Mac-10 is playing.

That's who you're going to see tonight?

Good old Mac-10?

Oh, you actually know who he is?

Hey, is this Riley's?

Hello?

Hey, is Mac-10 still playing?

Yeah.

How long is he going to be there?

I'm not for sure.

uh just one moment has poverty's poster boy played yet uh he's on right now oh man

fuck i'll hold i'm not sure how long it's gonna go but he's on right now do you think

and maxin's supposed to be coming in here soon so do you think it'll go till after 10

i'm not sure hang on just one moment oh okay sure okay honey okay baby yes ma'am i have to

i have to call uh yeah okay okay okay ma'am thank you ma'am thank you ma'am yep i call

ma'am because it's funny it's degrading to you do you understand that's what i do because i'm

carlito yeah so thank you ma'am for letting me know and i'm the milkman and i'm tucker mike

yeah that's tucker mike thank you for taking our call he's gone he stayed on for way too long for

a guy that works in a bar yeah he sure did it was like way too helpful that's because you live you

live in like a nice state there carlito yeah yeah he's close to the border i should just quit the

the show right now because that place is four blocks from me i could just walk right over and

i could go see mac 10 and and poverty's poster boy why don't you call yourself self on your cell

phone on skype then walk over there that's a great idea i go hang out with athena i think she's there

yeah i've been texting her but she's not answering me okay let's find some numbers

let me do this one turn off the radio turn off the music all right

I'm going to call some Walmarts.

We're doing another FedEx.

Let me talk, let me talk.

Shut up.

All right.

Good evening, FedEx office.

Can you hear Lenny speaking?

May I help you?

Hey, who am I speaking with?

Lenny.

Lenny or Glenny?

Lenny.

With an L?

Yes.

How do you spell that?

L-E-N-N-Y.

And how do you spell your last name?

C-A-P-E-N-I-A.

And do you have a middle name?

I do, but I don't want to give it out.

Why not?

Because I don't.

I'm just asking for your middle name. I just need it for my papers.

What kind of paperwork are you doing?

I'm just categorizing all the FedEx employees, FedEx office.

I can't give that out unless you come down in front of me and show me your badge that you are a FedEx employee.

No, I'm calling away from Hollywood.

I'm not asking for your social security number or your visa number.

All I'm asking for is your middle name.

No, sorry.

Like, I have your papers up here already, you know, I got your employee ID and everything, but all I want is your middle name.

Okay, where do I live then, if you don't know all that information?

I can't give that information out over the phone.

Then, too bad, I'm not giving you my middle name.

Why not? I'm not asking you for anything, like, personal.

Like, I can't ruin you with this, I can't get your, you know, I can't fake your ID or anything.

Just tell me your fucking middle name.

Like, Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

He doesn't want your papers, you immigrant.

You get applause just because I haven't used that sound effect nearly enough.

Carlito, if you were the victim on this prank call, would you tell him your real name?

Yeah, because I don't have anything to hide.

So, I mean, it's sketchy that he doesn't want to give out his middle name.

Yeah.

You know, it's like he's a terrorist.

Even though your middle name is fake, you know, would you give it out?

Yeah, I'd give out everything.

I give my name out on prank calls.

it's like when people ask for the name i give them my real name if you don't give out your full name

to somebody you're hiding something like you are a criminal like that guy he's like an immigrant

illegal yeah probably we need to get somebody on the case that'll cook his goose like really we

should call the police on him and it wouldn't even be a prank call because he's obviously

he's up to something it's sketchy i almost shot beer out of my nose i like how i discovered this

It's like, I don't know, like, it's good, and it's personal, you know, it's worth some time.

Smokey every day!

I didn't mean to quiet you down.

You can still talk.

Hello?

I'm here.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like, I like how he discovered it.

Like, it's kind of funny how no one, you know.

The handwriting samples?

What are we talking about?

I'm confused.

Middle names.

Or names in general.

Yeah.

I think, like, instead of the TSA, like, grabbing people and groping them and stuff, they should

ask middle name.

If they don't give the middle name, then, obviously.

Then put them through it.

Then put him through the porno scanners.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling the Colonel Cormorant Supercenter.

How may I address your call?

Oh, I need to talk to Housewares.

Hurry the fuck up.

Okay, hold on, please.

Thank you.

You're welcome, bitch.

This is not the one that Brenda works at.

We should call the Brenda one back.

Oh, you didn't hear that, um, uh, Milkman?

Milkman was milking around.

Milkman was masturbating the horse.

He was doing his milky milk milk thing.

No, I was, uh, I was passed out on the couch for quite a while.

And then I woke up and started drinking beers again

And then I was chatting online

With an ex-girlfriend

The heroin junkie

Milkman, did you see the latest E-Fuck video

Where the girl has an orgasm and passes out?

No

But my shirt shipped today

I did that to a girl before

I've held a girl by her

I've held a girl by her neck

While I've fucked her

On a toilet and she passed out

Well no, I made her pass out

with my dick not by choking her yeah mine was mine was the choking i tasered as a six-year-old

once and then choked her to death with a rope nice it was awesome i heard about that it was

in the paper that was a little little pageant broad or something carlito yeah yeah we um family

and i were on vacation in colorado one thing oh yeah that's all they paint their kids up like

whores and then expect them not to get raped yeah like it's not even my fault it's their fault for

dressing her up like that yeah i know she was dressing like she wanted it i'm not even guilty

of anything yeah let's let's dress a toddler up like a fucking streetwalker and expect somebody

not to choke the life out of it a little bitch had it coming yeah my god amen where is housewares

for christ's sake i know what the hell they're busy doing housing duh you know we need to um

ask housewares how they're talking to us because they don't have phones on poles anymore like do

Do they have to run up to the paint section or something and pick up a phone?

Because they took all the phones off the poles everywhere.

Because people, I hear, like to prank call and accept calls on those things.

I believe CNN would call them corporate terrorists.

Yeah.

You wouldn't think, you know, 20 years of having phones on poles that anyone can touch would bite them.

Hey, after reading the PLA book.

Oh, wait, ma'am.

Is this Housewares?

Yes.

Oh, what's your name, please?

Support Manager Christina.

I'm sorry, what?

Christina.

Oh, Christina with a K?

C.

C-H-R?

Yes.

I-S-T-I-N-A?

Yes.

And middle initial?

M.

M?

What's the middle name?

Michelle, what's this?

Do you guys have a question?

Oh, no, it's just for the paperwork.

I'm in the office.

And what's the last name?

Lomeli.

L-O-M-E-L-I.

L-O-M-E-L-A.

L-I.

Ding, ding, ding.

Oh, yeah, hold on.

Ding, ding, ding.

So L-O-M-E-L-I.

Yes.

And you're cup size.

Do you have a Facebook account?

Oh my god, that's genius.

We should get their names in the Facebook.

Alright, we're going to play some music right now as we look up Christina's Facebook account.

And I'm going to friend her.

Yeah.

It's going to be awesome.

What's the combo?

Get the money, make the getaway, back to the condo.

Lay low for a couple days.

Put on some disguises and hop on a plane.

in a foosie bear suit sitting next to a robot with a mustache a robot with a mustache

i found a christina low millie but it's the wrong one it's one in texas and that one was

supposed to be in washington oh uh we should do the thing again where we call up and ask for him

by name do uh do one of you guys want to talk i might do it all right i'm gonna be really sexist

while i do it too like hey honey but i need to get a girl you know all right tuck's gonna do

do this one okay oh her name is christina hey um who am i speaking to this is debbie who's this

um this is tombstone can you put christina on the line christina yeah christina ellie

low millie low millie do you know what department um houseware is

this an emergency?

It's an emergency.

Is she a manager?

Yes, she's the manager of houseware.

I'm a relative.

Because I don't have any managers here tonight.

Hold on, let me see if I can...

It's not a manager.

It's just a low-life employee.

She's just a worker, and she owes some goddamn money all over town.

And she's going to pay up tonight.

Well, you're not going to get it from here because I can't transfer that call to her.

Unless it's an emergency.

Fine.

Hey, cunt.

Let me talk to housewife.

God, Milkman.

What the hell was that?

Milkman, I wanted to say I'm pregnant.

Okay, you guys be quiet, and I'm going to get past this lady.

i'm gonna use my um dot matrix printer i'm gonna use my dot matrix printer to get through

hello could i please speak with housewares i need to ask about a blender hold on please

thank you did it work milkman she's gonna know mama monkey how can i help you oh hello could

i speak to christina christina michelle lomelli oh yeah is there something i can help with oh i

I need to speak to Christina, please.

Okay, let me push on hold.

Okay, thank you.

I'm going to get on to you.

It's yours, Tuck.

Tuck.

Wink, wink.

She's not available right now.

Is there someone I can help her with?

Yeah, can you do me a favor?

Can you tell her that someone has been impersonating her on Matt House Live?

And the guy's name was Carlito.

And I don't know.

I'm just trying to help her out.

That's all.

Does she know who she is?

I'm trying to understand.

No, a man named Carlito.

It was on his phone machine.

He needs to be arrested.

Yeah, he's a dangerous man.

And, yeah.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Fuck you, Walmart.

Yeah, that went nowhere quick.

It was better off calling the other brother a cunt.

Did you hang up on him?

I mean, did he hang up?

No, he's still there.

He set the phone down.

He's lurking.

Apparently to get her.

He'll lurk more.

Let's leave the phone off the hook so he can hang up.

He hung up.

There's a lesbian named Xenia

At FedEx office in Columbus, Ohio

They completed the trace

No, we're fucked

Usually this time of night we start doing

Wake up calls in the UK, don't we?

Yeah, I guess

That's what we always do

You know how I am

I'm the crazy milkman

I never remember

I drink too much spoiled milk

Put down the milk, milkman

What is

What a stupid name

what stupid name milkman you picked it it's your name why would you pick that name

i i hate myself i look at myself in the mirror and i think really

this is the best i can do as a nickname welcome to bt answer 1571 oh my god i love her english

voice is it always 1571 or do the yeah does it can it be a different number i don't know and is

Is that, like, some government-sponsored voicemail?

We're calling MI6.

If we call a different quadrant of the UK, we'll get a different, you know, we'll get 1573.

UK is about the size of Texas.

They break it up in quadrants.

Yeah, of course.

And nowhere near half as cool as Texas.

Milkman, someone says you're being real tonight on the chat room.

Yeah, Milkman's keeping it real.

I do.

I look in the mirror.

Hello, ma'am?

Hello?

Hello, you need to turn up the heat.

It's damn cold in here.

Can you turn up the heat, please?

It's so cold.

Oh, she hung up.

She wants you to freeze to death.

Yeah, they have absolutely no patience.

I don't know why a phone show

would make so much time call in England

because all they do is politely hang up.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,

please turn up the thermostat.

You, you dummy.

No, I'm not. I'm calling for you.

This is Ms. Smith, right? Hello?

She called you a dummy.

No, I called her a dummy. She said, how dare you call me a dummy.

She's like, I'm going to put

my elderly husband on the line

to give you a one-point.

Put up with you yanks enough

in WW2.

We saved them in WW2.

Yeah, no shit.

We killed assassins and we blew up Hitler

in the French theater.

It was all good except for that Jew,

Eli Reiner.

Fucking Jews.

you know they're just like steamy mad right now they're they're like i'm not gonna answer that

phone i'm not gonna do it and they're fucking in their dreidels they're like they're like

unplugging the phone and thinking they won and then they're remembering that there's like more

phones in the house bloody hell how many phones have we purchased over the field i'm a monkey

seems like there's a fucking bloody telephone in every room

who doesn't have an answering machine in 2010 i don't

you've got voicemail though right right tuck yeah i mean something something that picks up

and that doesn't ring for five hours for the remaining 20 minutes of the show we're just

gonna listen to this they might have just turned the ringer off on their one vote listen milkman

i like my fantasy better where she's really angry i i like it i like it better i'm saying

there's a possibility it's like a shitty old like push button phone and she simply put the ringer

off she lives in a one room flat where there's just one single phone sitting on the table

And it's red

It doesn't make the cool hang up

I remember I lived in an apartment

One time

With one telephone jack

And it was a two bedroom apartment

And the phone was in the fucking kitchen

That's crazy

Who did you live there with?

Your mom, before you moved in

Did his mom like to admire trains as they passed?

No

Cause only fags do that

I'm trying to call Julie Andrews

in the uk now i mean mary poppin exactly really oh no i mean not really it's just you know it's

a common name so i'm calling it is it they named a lot of little broad julian yeah that came out in

the 60s so like now there's just tons of them they're like i'm gonna name you after mary poppin

really there's only 20 my name you're like there's there's hundreds hello ma'am ma'am you

fucked it up milkman you were talking side she was like more like a growl the way you did it

it anymore sexy noise i make when i'm making a nose hey shut the fuck up no you you just made

me spit on my monitor your phones are numbers are fucked up leave a message in your number

and we'll get back to possible wow he sounds like he doesn't have down syndrome i wanted to yell

pick up the phone for a while all right let's try a different one but that must have been some bird

he picked up the club last evening nunu says we have to like tell people to turn up their thermostat

i'm not sure why but it sounds hilarious it's one of these jokes we do all the time

I mean, that's why the show's so popular.

That Nunu, he's such a crazy guy.

Nunu's crazy.

We're so crazy in the madhouse.

Crazy.

We're not doing anything good like stamping out pornography.

Yeah, that was earlier.

You're really, really sexist now.

When you start calling people honey and sweetheart and shit like that.

Like I always do, of course.

And put the man on the phone.

Stop wearing the man pants.

I've done my research.

Is this another person without a machine?

Yep.

Ask them to turn up the weather, Nunu says.

That'll be the best.

Talk British, though.

may you please turn up the weather

I can't believe 29 people are still listening to this

they have problems

thanks 29 people

you're the true fans

fuck all your dicks

listen if you guys are ever in Florida

you 29 people

I will personally suck your dick

cause that's the kind of guy I Carlito am

and I'm milkman

and he can spit the gum in my mouth

and the other guy is tuck

then I'll videotape

You always do the videotaping.

You need to join in once in a while.

No, I gotta clean my lens every time.

Yeah, no, great, because then we all get herpes.

Don't let him in the mix.

It's like a tree dish of infection.

Chi-town, I'm sorry I was mean to you earlier in the chat room.

It was just a joke.

It was the alcohol speaking.

You hang out with Matt from the...

Welcome to BT answer 1571.

Always 1571.

I'm going to do one more London, and then I'm giving up.

Our wake-up calls usually go so good here on Madhouse Live.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

It's because fucking Lonesome Loser, he didn't test these out for us.

Yeah.

Do you hear me playing in the background?

Yeah.

I hear kind of like orchestral music.

No, that's not me.

I just heard someone scream, I'm hit.

No, I'm heavy.

That's what she said.

You are.

You're fat.

You're fat and you're a minority.

Green.

Green playing.

Who?

You.

Who?

Carlito. That's better, fucker.

Yeah. Ah, fucking

Christ. It's the worst thing

since Mobile Hitler. I really

like asking people for their names. I really

I mean, that was a good idea, Tuck.

It makes me LOL. Is that

Raffy McRapperson? Of course!

Who else would I be playing?

He's pretty awesome. Just like every week.

Uh, Tuck wants me to, like, make a

zip file of every Raffy song I have

and put it up online somewhere.

Because you can't pirate

shit himself. No, you can't.

yeah we can't find him like I think his albums are all free somewhere but he

just doesn't post links to him wherever they are well like I can find his latest

to but that's it and his best stuff is old his new friend higher try the good

old pirate base is not on there try demonoid God you can't find it on

demonoid I want to find like you know pictures of JonBenet that this guy Brad

Carter took at the murder scene before the cops shown up I keep those in my

private file. Hey, I'm going to go downstairs for a refill, so I'll be right back.

Not for a piss. No, just a refill this time. I promise.

Cool. Check yourself before you get wrecked and call the plumber

because those get sticky in the summer.

So minty, my breath, but the windy currents through her dress.

Yikes. Bunnies, saw it on the internet and crazy. Got me switching lanes

in the game like a baby baby.

From beyond the stratosphere, planet stars and space crust

Oh man, you're getting an ass

I love this song

I love me

It's my pot smoking song

Listen to Revolutalk on Cacti Radio

Tuckermike.com

So we're going to call another Walmart

Oh, another Walmart and ask for their names

Because that's just hilarious

Really?

Thank you for calling Walmart

Oh my god, they have an automated thank you message

Then the person picks up and they say thank you

Calling Walmart again

Milkman, you're not an IRC, are you?

i think there's an imposter on no yeah that guy's fake i need to kick him if only i leave

leave mine if i understood the commands here let me do mode slash minus kick milkman pound mad

plus plus minus plus madhouse pound slash kick him jesus christ it would have been better just

Just let him impersonate for a while.

I don't think it worked.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I would definitely not enter that old string again.

Maybe if I copy it and paste it, it'll work this time.

Thank you for calling War Mic.

Good evening.

Oh, hello.

Could I speak with Housewares?

You took long enough to answer.

What the fuck?

What do you need from Housewares, sir?

A blender.

Call them.

One that blends iPhones and stuff.

Yeah, like will it blend on YouTube?

That's right.

I'm going to wear my lab coat while I use it.

Yeah.

and and don't breathe it that guy kicks ass i want a blender that can blend a crowbar don't

breathe this well is it a good idea to microwave this kid yeah i listen to that a lot jay pizzle

i watched all of his episodes god he's really big like i can't believe you know him he's the best

oh a fucking milkman on irc is trying to say you're not milkman milkman he can eat a dick

He's fake.

Dick boy.

Eat a dick, milkman.

There, I just typed that.

He's like feeling...

Masturbating horses.

He's feeling stupid now.

I don't like this Walmart.

Yeah.

They've been making us hold for a long time.

Yeah, they're not on fucking top of it.

They didn't do their corporate chant this morning, I don't think.

Hey, the other girl wanted to get on top of me.

Yeah, yeah, who was that?

Christina Michelle Lomeli?

I'm going to get on top of you.

No, no, no.

No, it was Brenda Gale Washam that wanted to get on top of you.

Oh, yeah.

I like the sound of the O'Malley more.

It sounds like a good Irish drunken mick.

My name is O'Malley.

Oh, hi.

Housewares, please.

Hurry the fuck up.

What do you need in housewares?

A blender.

A blender?

What kind of blender?

I don't know.

Like an Oster?

Okay, now, are you looking for a particular one?

Oster.

I just said Oster.

God.

Okay, hold on, please.

Hurry up.

What is with this?

What do you need?

I don't know.

That's bizarre.

I'm going to make sure he's a legit caller before I let him through.

She's like the TSA.

The TSA of Walmart.

But, I mean, both of them have done this.

These are different Walmarts.

Yeah, but very similar style.

Yeah, notice how they get the automated message saying,

thank you for calling Walmart.

Then the employee picks up and says, thank you, calling Walmart.

She tells him, Jesus, he only thanked me once.

yeah jesus jesus i thanked him i thank him daily for dying for my sins yeah like you know what i

hate people who credit god you're like god gave god saved my son god saved you know you know me

from getting into a car accident but god didn't save seven million jews from you know getting put

in the ovens god never saved people in 9-11 you know people need to realize that god doesn't do

do shit because if god saves you he's letting the other people die shut the fuck up yeah i don't i

don't like it it's weird because this walmart's usually nice because me milkman i buy most of

my clothes there and your milk and your milk of course like milkman are you are you more like

into two percent milk top or bottom milk i'm in the whole here that is thank you for calling

walmart i'll i'll i'll let her know what i think of that talk hello ma'am thank you for calling

on your 24-hour Walmart. How may I help you?

Ma'am, listen. This is John from the corporate office.

I mean, this is Cross from the corporate office, not John.

There's a slip of the tongue.

And when you answer the phone, you need

to not say thank you because the automated

system says it for you, so it's redundant.

It's stupid. It makes you sound like an idiot.

Okay? Okay. So from now on.

Could I have housewares, please? Sure.

Thank you. Aww, she laughed.

She's like,

sure. She's gonna

go cry her fat

out of the way on a fucking quilt

for her grandma.

I think she agrees.

She's going to open up the handbook and write that in as an extra rule.

Like, you know, section

5.5

and a half.

She's probably nodding and saying, that makes sense.

No. If you thought things

make sense, you wouldn't work at Walmart.

I work at Walmart. How do you get a job?

Yeah, you do.

I need to stay on unemployment because

it's awesome. I think I make

more money on unemployment than you'll make

Make it your job.

You're such a loser, Milkman, being on unemployment.

Yeah.

I'm going to get $30 a month.

I get $1,200 a month.

Wow, that's awful.

Yeah, it's free money, though.

So basically you're getting more than you would

working a minimum wage job.

So you need to get a job under the table somewhere

and, you know, in addition to unemployment.

That would take effort.

That's the way to do it.

I wish Cactar Radio

would start paying then.

I think it's time to end the show because I think it's a good time to, you know, let's end on this fail of like three Walmarts in a row.

Okay.

Can I do my special thanks like I always close the show with?

Oh, of course.

Hold on.

All right.

Cacti Radio, Madhouse.

I would like to thank...

Hey, I didn't say the thing yet.

You need to just wait.

Take us out, Milkman.

Go ahead.

Thanks to Cacti Radio for hosting our show.

And thanks to LemonParty.org

For being super awesome

They're my favorites

And who else are we thanking today?

I mean

We're thanking the PhoneLosers.org

Tuck deserves some thanks

And thanks to me, TuckerMike

TuckerMike.com

And I want to thank Chris Ellerbeck

Chris Ellerbeck

Those points don't cost

I know

I guess they do

I think no thanks to Lonesome Loser

because he really pretty much failed

all night. Yeah, I would say

negative response

to Lonesome Lizard.

He did worse than nothing.

He was like a cock tease.

He went out of his way to do nothing.

He showed you the pussy and almost let you

put it in and then, like, no,

I think I need to go home.

I drank too much. That motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's about it, I think. I think it's time to get

out of here. I think I'm gonna go

walk down the street and try and see

The Mac-10.

What are you looking for in housewares?

Oh, shit.

Oh, hey, a blender?

Is this housewares?

No, I'm trying to get someone, so hang on.

You know what?

A power saw would be okay.

So if you could put me in the hardware, that would be all right.

Okay.

I could go for a power saw tonight.

What is this?

Two or three?

Perfect timing.

I'm going to go see the concert.

This is Walmart.

What type of ring is this, Carlito?

This is like a British ring.

British ring.

Who invented the telephone?

Curlito. Thomas Edison, duh.

No, Alexander Graham Bell.

Was he American or Canadian? It's Thomas Edison.

You're an idiot. Oh, my. Yeah, so as

we were saying before Walmart

interrupted us. Walmart sucks,

especially the one with the 503

221

2800 number. Yeah, fuck those guys.

They fucking eat dick.

I think you can go there and steal

all day because they have, like, two people

working there. Alright, yeah, that's it.

This is the end of the

Madhouse Live for the week, and we will see

see you guys next week where we'll keep it mad because we're crazy like that uh fuck you i'm a

monkey fuck you to the fake milkman in the chat room you can suck a dick you know you need to

stop impersonating us and that's the end of the show bye everyone i love you thanks thanks for

being on tuck and milkman god god bless thank you for calling the reading park on friday december

24th. The store will be open

from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.

This is a bonus prank for those people

who haven't disconnected yet. The store will be closed

on Sunday, December 26th.

The store will be open from 7 a.m.

to 11 p.m. Our store

hours have changed for the holidays

from Monday, December 13th through

Thursday, December 23rd.

Do they have Walmarts in Hawaii?

Yeah. They have Walmarts in

China. They're like

McDonald's. They got live

fish corrals for Christ's

thing you gotta call the walmart super center in hawaii there's like a they have their own operator

all right she's like walmart operator i'm calling walmart it's the only one in honolulu is it like

in a different city what is the capital of hawaii hawaii or honolulu definitely not hawaii

because that's not us no there's no there's hawaii hawaii oh is there thank you on camera

walmart how can i help you oh hello this is john from the corporate office um who's this

This is the operator, Gail.

Oh, Gail, and is that G-A-I-L?

G-A-Y-L-E.

Oh, I see, and the middle initial, please?

M.

Really, and what's that stand for?

M as in Mary.

Oh, so your middle name is Mary?

M as in Mary, no, but it's not Mary.

Oh, what's your middle name? We need that for the papers.

Papers?

Yeah, for the, we're updating employee records here.

Updating employee records.

Yes, I have my dot matrix printer running.

What's your middle name?

Bicicco.

Bicicco?

Bicicco.

M-I-T-S-U-K-O

Okay, and then

finally the last name.

T-A-N-O-U-R-E

That's perfect.

I'm actually an identity thief.

I'm just kidding.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Okay, that went good or bad

depending on how you look on it.

Her middle name is Meat Sickle.

No, it's

It's Meat Sickle.

Well, I have it spelled here.

She's still listening.

Oh no, she hung up.

Calls (35, 1 h 17 min of 2 h 29 min)

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