I’ve Already Informed Corporate About You

I'm sorry?

Yeah, two weeks ago, I called over there.

Some woman hung up the phone on me over there, trying to get away from the problem.

Oh, dude, do you see again?

No, no, okay, no.

I'm hanging up the phone.

Asshole.

And if you call back again, I'm going to call the police next time.

You're an asshole dickhead.

I've already informed my corporate about you, sir.

The sauce is water.

You're harassing our employees.

Goodbye.

The sauce is water.

No, I say I no need appetizer, okay?

You understand?

Did you make a shit in the toilet and then not wash your hands?

I fuck you, you son of a bitch.

You fuck you.

You every time comment and comment, press, order something, you not pick up.

You son of a bitch.

Someone was what?

Bad to me.

Who was it?

What was your name?

My name is Ashley.

Yeah, Ashley's the name.

So I was mean to you?

Yeah, the guy with the girl's name, he was mean to me.

Oh, very nice.

That's good.

Does that hurt?

Have a nice night, sir.

Okay, Julie.

Okay.

Bye, Stacy.

Who the fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Good evening, it is Carlito, Milkman, and the Madhouse.

Good evening, it is May 13th.

Back from my little trip up north.

Exciting times here in the Carlito household.

Having me, thank you for being guests all here.

Time tonight, make some prank calls,

and sit as I watch the Orlando Magic lose their second game in a row, probably.

Damn it.

Send your request over to me, Madhouse Radio,

if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Again, AOL, Yahoo Instant Messenger users, and Madhouse Radio.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, that would be madhouseatlive.com.

Milkman is here with us, I trust.

Milkman, how are you tonight?

Good, sir.

Howdy, howdy, hermanito.

What's going on?

Hey, now, I'm looking at the camera, and I see this guy here, cleanly shaven.

He's got his ear balls lowered.

What the hell's going on?

Who's sitting in your chair there, hermanito?

Cleanly shaven?

What are you talking about?

Cleanly shaven.

I got a bearded.

But you go, I haven't shaved in about a week.

I haven't shaved since I took my trip up north.

Dude, you look like you got a whole head job done.

Like your ears got lowered and everything, man.

You was looking like the caveman there last time I saw you.

Dude, I haven't had a haircut at all since the last time you saw me.

I'm more hairy than I've been since I was really, really hairy a few months ago.

How dare you take a shower before doing a show with us?

God darn it.

That's my fucking problem.

You're right.

Get off the captain hat tonight, man, and let's do some battle.

It's over there. I'll get it in a second.

All right, my brother.

Good to see you, man. Good to see you.

Thanks. Good to see you.

I'm glad you had a wonderful trip up north with the family.

Sounds like very prosperous adventures and always a good thing.

It was my second time seeing snow ever in my life.

I can say now that I don't find it that intimidating.

I am the master of snow. I am the snow master, so to say.

I had a shovel snow yesterday morning for the first time.

That was not enjoyable.

I did not have gloves on.

I didn't know that you need to wear gloves if you're going to shovel snow.

Nope, man.

That's some fucking bullshit, man, shoveling snow.

Oh, yeah.

That's very inconvenient.

Get used to it, bro.

If you've got to visit, I'll tell you a quick secret.

Get a little can of this stuff called heat.

It comes in a can.

It looks about like the size of maybe a Lysol can.

Get a can of this stuff called heat.

And you get it at auto stores.

Okay.

Yep, and you just spray it right on the windows.

And as soon as you get in the car, you don't have to wait for them to defrost as quick.

Because that way, if you've got ice, it'll come right off of it.

You can just scrape right off or sometimes use your windshield wipers.

And if it's just like light frost, then you can just spray that shit on there and start the wipers and get ready to drive.

All right.

What is it, salt or something?

What is it?

No, it's got alcohol in it.

Oh, alcohol.

It's got alcohol in it.

But it's designed for cars and windshields, man.

All right.

Let's see.

Herbal bacon, or as I like to call them, bacon, is saying put a can of sterno in your gloves.

Let me get that here.

Can of sterno.

Is that a joke?

That's not serious.

Yeah, we'll buy you a set of battery-operated socks because sooner or later you'll figure out the first thing that gets cold usually is your feet if they're not doing something.

Yeah.

Ken asking about the big rubber titty.

Dude, since the last show, the rubber titty got sticky.

I remember towards the end of the last show saying it's getting sticky.

sticky i've tried i've scrubbed it with uh with uh with this towel right here um i tried scrubbing

it with a sponge a loofah uh rubbing alcohol uh soapy water hot water cold water nothing gets the

stickiness off of it it stays perm it's perma sticky now um milkman and then i did try to go

i went to the dollar store they don't sell them they i guess they ran out there was a run on the

on the rubber titties man can't find it but uh oh my god they were listening to the show dude

I guess, big run on rubber titties

but they're online

I think that Needy must have got a hold of it

and wanked all over it

and that's why it's all sticky

and that's why you can't get it off

but Needy was wanking on it

I'm looking for any suggestions here

so I'm looking at Milkman

I hate to jinx stuff but I might be making a move

here going up north

I mentioned that to some extent

but things are a little more solidified as of today

as far as job opportunities up there

I'm not going to specify too much

because I don't want to jinx anything, like I said,

but that might affect Madhouse for a few weeks at least,

if not longer than that, while I get situated up there

and move server equipment and studio equipment up there

and we find a house, just a word of the warning.

It could happen, it could come like a thief in the night.

But there may be some positive prospects in the future,

is what you're trying to tell us then.

Yeah, definitely, definitely in the term of money,

which is all I really care about.

That's all I really care about, yeah.

hey man hey as long as you get the cha-ching man you know the cha-ching you pull that big

handle down something pops out that makes it worth it man right right so um you know we're

all behind you my brother we're always behind you my brother you don't have to worry about

that we'll still love you right i'm always behind athena if you know what i mean hey

yeah snow's fun it's pretty i'm not intimidated by it um you know i wouldn't there was no blizzard

up there everyone tells me what the hell is a blizzard like i don't care because i'm just not

going to go to work i'm going to call in like look there's a blizzard i saw and i'm from florida i

ain't going to work and i'll stay home and uh just need a dime bag of weed that's all you need man

peanut butter and a loaf of bread what else you need all right there's like a hurricane coming

get some creepy some uh extra uh get some crunchy jiffy loaf of bread uh gallon of water you know

I got my cousin's coming.

She just went to Walmart just now.

She'll be coming back with my gallon of water here.

I had not stocked that.

Just don't drink the antifreeze.

Don't do that.

It looks like Gatorade.

It tastes sweet, I heard.

But just don't drink it.

Look at the magic throwing the ball away again.

Fucking assholes.

Fucking bitches.

And avoid the yellow snow.

That's the one thing I haven't done yet is write my name in the snow.

I'm going to have to do that for sure.

So we got some numbers coming in from Brendan.

Nunu might be sending in some later.

He's got some ideas here for pranks tonight.

night we're going to be running with here calling hotels in the united states doing a reverse iran

thing hey man we haven't called iran in a while remember we're calling iran there for some time

oh yeah yeah well what was that there was a hotel that we kept messing with right the uh

oh man what was it the very anti-american hotel there was a hotel and you were saying like you're

gonna have sex with a woman and this and that and they were getting pissed off and where at

and wanted to call the secret police.

Yeah, it was one room, one bed, two men.

And in the home of Hotel and I ran Tehran.

And they said they called the secret police on me every time.

You guys are like, gentlemen, gentlemen.

No, you cannot.

Let's see.

Let me hear.

Let's recap.

I'm going to try to give them a call.

We've got some more ideas, some more numbers to do here.

We're going to take it easy tonight.

I'm a little tired.

I can't stay on too late tonight because I do have a –

I don't have an interview, but I'm meeting with my recruiter.

Guy finds me jobs

And he said that he might have some leads

And some jobs up where I'm going to be moving to

And maybe a job here in Orlando

So I'm just going to meet with him

I'm going to meet with my attorney

At 1 o'clock tomorrow afternoon

So I've got a busy day, busy schedule tomorrow

So yeah

Let's listen to Homosexual Hotel Iran

Let's listen to that

I'm going to dig in here, find the homo hotel number

I've got that in the Lonesome Loser Log

Lonesome should be joining us here in about an hour or so

Maybe a little less than that

30-40 minutes maybe, something like that

And we'll be kicking into high gear

This is Madhouse Radio for the 13th

We'll be right back, give me a moment

Listen to this prank call while we get things set up here

Ladies and gentlemen

Come to a homo hotel in Tehran

Hey, this is the homo hotel

Please wait a moment

Peace and love

Yes, hi, what was that?

Gentleman, yes sir

This is the homo hotel, right?

Yes, it is

So homo stands for homosexual? That's why I was calling

No, gentlemen, listen.

Not homosexuals.

This is the homosexual hotel in Iran.

No, no.

Yeah, this is the homosexual hotel.

Not the homosexuals.

What do you mean, sexuals?

No, I was looking for the...

I went on the computer, and I looked for homosexual hotel in Iran,

and this came up, homo hotel.

No, no, that's right.

That's right.

Okay.

Well, I mean, I know we're confused,

but you're not going to report me to the Republican Guard, are you?

I give you information that we're not allowed to give you the room.

I give you information.

But just myself, by myself, I want to go to my room by myself, that's it?

It's possible.

Okay, we do it then.

It's possible.

Okay.

And then will you come to my room?

No.

No?

You're not interested?

No.

How tall are you?

I'm afraid of you, no.

You're afraid of me?

It's okay, don't be scared, I'm not going to hurt you.

I'll do it soft.

Anyway.

No, I'll do it soft, like when I do it to you.

You can get the room, you can get the room.

Okay.

And nobody can enter to your room.

Okay, so just me, by myself, and you in the room?

It's possible.

In what?

No, not just for yourself.

Just yourself.

Not with me.

Well, how can I...

Where's your room?

Because I have boyfriend.

Well, you're not married though, you said.

Yeah, I married a boy.

To a boy?

They do that in Iran?

Yeah.

I didn't know they did that in Iran.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm just...

Unfortunately, I don't have enough time.

How many...

I don't have time.

Let me ask you this.

How many fathers do you have?

How many fathers I have?

Yeah.

Don't have any father.

You don't have a father?

I don't know my father.

Because your mother is a prostitute, right?

Your mother is a prostitute.

No, why don't you know who your father is?

Maybe your mother is a prostitute.

Maybe that's why I like to kiss her.

Let me cut your line, huh?

No, I do not.

You don't do it or there's going to be trouble for you.

I can, but I can't.

But listen, I have you recorded saying that you have a boyfriend.

So I'm going to call the Republican Guard now and play that for them.

What was your name?

No.

What's your name?

My name is Hans Santaginaghi.

Hans Santaginaghi?

Yes.

All right, so I'm going to call.

I'm going to tell the Republican guard that...

Santaginaghi.

That the homo...

Call me Hans Santaginaghi.

At the homosexual hotel that there's a man that has a boyfriend, and that's you.

And they're going to come.

They're going to take you.

They're going to arrest you.

Because it's my duty to...

Don't worry.

It is not the homosexual.

This is the homo hotel.

Uh-huh.

The homosexual hotel.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, not homosexual.

Homo hotel.

Well, why are you answering the phone then?

If it's not the homosexual hotel, why are you answering the phone?

I don't understand.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

This is the homosexual hotel.

Okay.

So then I'm going to tell, it's my duty to report this to the government.

That's what they tell me, that I'm supposed to report homosexuals to them immediately.

So I'm going to do this.

Let me understand your line.

No, I will not let you, no.

I do.

No.

Did you put me down for one bedroom, one bed, one room, two men yet?

You can come to homotide.

Okay.

You can come.

Okay, I'm going to come.

I'm going to come.

Okay.

And I'll come to your room.

I'll come to your room.

Okay, and you're going to kiss me?

You come, okay?

You come to your room and show I will kiss or you will kiss, okay?

Who's going to kiss first, you or me?

We'll kiss you and then you will kiss me back or you just want to see what it's like?

The homosexual hotel, everybody.

I didn't realize it.

All right, that's the homosexual hotel.

I'm sorry.

That is the Homa Hotel in Tehran, Iran.

And I failed to look for the number all that time, unfortunately.

So I failed my mission.

Thank you.

Thank you for appreciating me.

We've got another number here.

We'll get to that soon, but in the meantime, I'll get to some other numbers that I've got here from Big Brendan.

I also wanted to mention, Nunu, if you could do me a favor, post that picture in the chat room.

Our good friend Charlie over in Honolulu, we have a picture of Charlie from a review of the restaurant back in 2002.

The Honolulu local newspaper there did an interview and stuff with him.

and they've got a picture of Charlie, the angry guy that we talk to

and says that he fuck us and all that.

We've got his picture.

It's quite interesting to look at him.

He doesn't look too angry in the picture.

He's actually smiling, but when you actually hear him

in the calls that we do to him, he's quite an angry cat.

So I would look forward to Nunu posting that picture there soon.

Good job, sir.

Nunu, yeah.

Good job posting the pic right now.

That is the Charlie.

We got his last name now.

There you go.

our UK secret MI5 reconnaissance.

I got the tit here.

Let me take it out of my chest.

I'm putting it in my shirt there.

It looked like it was a part of me.

This is the big tit.

I like your hairdo, dude.

He looked like he did there about two weeks ago with that hairdo.

I know, right?

Looks like a classic Carlito picture of us, too, man.

Fix that hat a little bit.

Puff it out.

Got the old pranking seal up there a little bit.

All right, guys.

I love it.

He looks like he doesn't have one good normal teeth in his whole mouth, I think.

Let me look at that.

Look at him.

No, he doesn't have bad teeth.

They're not bad, but that's him.

It doesn't look like him at all.

He don't sound that nice.

No, he doesn't sound that nice.

No, it looks kind of friendly there.

Until you say shit to him and he's like, I'm fucking with you.

The hair is kicking my way.

Shit.

All right, so what's his last name again?

Let me get that here.

I got Nunu Simi, his last name.

His real last name.

Shirt.

What's his shirt say?

say hawaiian lounge honolulu honolulu hawaiian living leg ray hawaiian lagroom i don't know

what it says let's say legacy legacy yeah because it showed all that old polynesian stuff on there

i guess let's give him let's see if we can get him now we got his last name instead of asking

for charla that's for mr get around the uh getting around the whole she went the lady

blocking his inside scoop let me do it here man we keep that smile on his face do a jack

Like MasterChef, maybe.

Do you want me to help you?

Yes, nice to speak with you, Mr. S***, please.

Hello, yes, can I help you?

Yes, it's Mr. S*** there.

Who is calling?

This is Ralph, Ralph Littlejohn.

Is that S***?

Yes, Mr. S***.

Yeah, who is calling?

Yes, hi, this is Ralph Littlejohn.

I'm with the Honolulu Advertiser.

Honolulu Advertiser.

Yes, sir, we wanted to come in and see if we could do another piece for you.

I think I have it down here.

We might have been in about eight years ago, perhaps.

We wanted to see if you have changed your menu at all since the last time we were in.

where we're needing another piece for the February issue.

No, I don't need it.

No, you're required to do this, sir.

No, I don't need an appetizer.

Okay, because there's a complaint about...

Thank you.

There's a complaint about shitting the food and pissing the food.

What are you talking about?

That there was a complaint that there's shit and piss in the food again,

so we wanted to come down and maybe get your reaction and report to that.

Hey, don't do that, okay?

No, I did it already.

Shit.

You're not having an appetizer, okay?

Yes, I am.

Ralph Littlejohn, look it up, and it says...

No, no, no.

Well, if you do that, you be careful.

I want to call police, okay?

No, I already have a report because of the feces, the shit content in your food.

No, I say I no need an appetizer, okay?

You understand?

Did you make a shit in the toilet and then not wash your hands?

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

You fuck you.

You every time come and call my place and order something, you not pick up.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

That's not nice.

Okay, if you come

young, so you come and

stop. And what? Fuck you, son of a

bitch, you. You're going to shit on me?

Fuck you,

son of a bitch, you. Okay, great. There we go,

guys. There you go. That's what you wanted.

How's that for a Hawaiian

hospitality, right?

Yeah.

Listen to that

madhouse smile.

Listen to that madhouse

smile, man.

Alright folks

Hope you enjoyed that

You know what the

Honolulu Advertiser

Yeah no shit

No shit Sherlock

Look at that picture

Now

I listen to what I just heard

And I flip over that picture

And I start laughing again

Yeah I know right

You look at that

And you just look at it

And you're like

Fuck you

Look at that

Madhouse smile

I just heard it

Make sure you put

There's a new poll out there

On the Madhouse page

Over the chat room

On the chat page

or the main page or just go to madhouse live.com for slash poll p-o-l-l um i think it's uh which

of the madhouse characters do you like the most which one reigns supreme i think i've got uh

well we got my version of fat albert yeah i got uh eddie garcia jack valente valente and associates

um i don't think did i put ralph little john ralph little john isn't really i mean it's just

another name that i use it's not really a character and you got john the 482 pound man

That was his original name.

Well, Jack.

Jack the 482-pound man, more commonly known as Jack Masterson, as named by Milkman.

Kudos on you.

I'm drinking beer.

I'm going to be mixing beer here with Diamond Mountain Dew, caffeine-free in a little bit,

and adding a splash of what's left of the Thanksgiving Beefeater here from that drunk show we had about masturbating horses.

Maybe we'll get back on that topic.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Yeah, that's the horse.

I think that's how the boobie got all sticky.

Yeah, you think so?

So, Horace Seaman, thanks.

Thank you for that.

All right, so we'll continue on.

Pissed Doug requesting a Hey Big Girl.

Yeah, we're going to have to do that.

Hopefully we get some big girls on the line.

I want to give a kudos real quick here to Big Tug and RBCP held the phone down last week.

They had a pretty good show.

I listened to it in my in-laws' basement while I was out of town.

It was a pretty good time.

They had a really funny call to people complaining about AT&T.

Good stuff.

Hope you all caught that.

If not, that will be uploaded here eventually someday.

Cool.

All right, folks.

Going to continue on with some more prank calls.

Ken, don't worry.

I'll get to that.

Well, if you still have the number, I don't know.

It was a macaroni go that we called the last show we did two weeks ago.

If you have that number on you, send it to me now.

I don't know if you got it or not.

Send it to me.

Brendan's sending in a number for a guy named Alex

Who put his phone number up on Facebook

Going to take a page out of RBCP's book

See what we can do with that here

Just a moment

I'm a little confused

I don't understand why all my outgoing calls

Are costing me money today

They're supposed to only be free

Supposed to be free per call

I don't know what's doing that

Did I fail to do something?

Did Skyfish just charge you?

It's charging me for calls that I thought were free all the time

Oh shit

Skyfish bro

I think I might have failed billing here last week without me knowing.

It could make for a pretty short show.

We only have like three bucks of credit on there right now.

You're down by two only now.

Okay, good.

I stopped paying attention to this show and all of a sudden things are looking up.

The calls that I've had here have cost money.

Milkman, did I lose you?

Go, Milkman.

Hey, sorry about that, man.

My signal dropped.

That's okay.

No problem.

Take E&T security, man.

Oh, yeah.

Check it out.

I didn't realize.

My unlimited calling expired on the knife and I forgot to reactivate it.

Ah-ha.

Whoops.

Skype this.

No, that's me. That's me. I forgot to reactivate it.

Whoops. Alright, let me go and do that.

Because if not, we're going to be some shit here.

Um, I'm playing nothing. This is beautiful.

I played this prank call from Phone Losers. It's called Jumping on the Beds.

I don't know if this is funny or not, but we'll do it.

Right back while I recharge the juice.

Hey, quit hanging on the phone, mate.

Hi, this is Bruce from the front desk.

Will you please turn off the alarm? It's ringing in our room all the time.

It's not an alarm. It's the telephone. I've been trying to call you.

Oh, you want this?

Yes, I'm trying to reach you.

You need to stop jumping on the beds there.

Pardon me?

You need to stop jumping on the beds.

There have been complaints.

Jumping on the beds?

Yes, you're jumping on the beds here, and you need to cut it out.

My husband and I are not jumping on the beds.

It must be some other room.

I can tell you're out of breath, and I think you've been jumping on the beds.

It's okay.

You're not in trouble.

You don't have to deny it.

Just stop jumping on the beds tonight, okay?

He's got to be kidding.

It's bedtime, all right?

Are you joking?

No, this is Bruce from The Front Desk.

That's all there is to it.

I mean, we don't have to sit here and argue about it.

Just don't jump on the beds or there's going to be a problem.

Confusing us and jumping on the beds, 78 years old.

Do you think we're jumping on the beds?

I don't know.

Maybe you're doing drugs or something.

We are on the first floor.

I just told somebody about the problem.

It's just, we really need to stop jumping on the beds.

We've had several...

We're not jumping on the beds.

You're waking us up.

We were asleep.

It looks like it's working now.

Now, however, the do-drop-in, who I'm trying to call back, is not registering, is busy.

They got me there.

In room 20, look, in room 24, now who's going to hear us jumping on the beds?

The people downstairs in the basement rooms.

There's nobody below us.

Yeah, there's basement rooms here.

Basement rooms and floors above those, $22 a night.

You must have a sad life.

We're bound to sleep in beds when you woke us up.

We'll go back to sleep, okay?

Okay, I know.

Ruined your week.

We

for the No Motherfucker Policy Hotel Prank Call by RBCP.

Let's go ahead and check that out here.

That purchase is just about completed that I made on Skype,

and we'll be able to do some more prank calls.

We're going to get to those in just a second.

This is only a minute 53, and we'll be right back.

Hang on, let's see if this is any good.

Yes, hello, sir?

Yes, this is David. I'm calling from the front desk.

We've been receiving some complaints in regards to your room.

There's been some prostitution claims that have been made.

I'm trying to get this resolved here without having to involve the police.

What's that from the front desk?

This is 136 is what has been reported to me.

Is there any prostitution occurring there?

I don't have anyone here.

Are there any ladies there?

because I've been getting complaints that there's a lot of moaning and humping and thumping.

No, there's no one here.

You've been masturbating loudly.

Well, sir, I'm sorry.

It sounds like you're really being a motherfucker here.

No, I'm not.

Sir, you don't need to get an attitude with me.

You know, it sounds like you're being a real motherfucker.

Well, sir, I'm calling in regards to room 136,

and I'm really sorry to have to inform you,

but we have a very, very strict no-motherfucker policy here.

I'm not a professor.

I'm not cursing.

Devout Christian, are you?

I understand.

I was an RBCP, and I just don't get what the excitement was about that.

But all right.

Mr.

I'm a devout Christian, bro.

Well, that's something I remember.

Yeah, what about that Senate trust getting shot in the head?

Nine-year-old girl getting shot.

Milkman, any ideas on that?

What the hell was that all about, dude?

I don't know about that.

There's angry people out there.

I didn't know.

I didn't know in America, you know, there were people who would do stuff like that.

Why?

Why, Milkman?

Why do they do that?

Why?

How do you call people again?

View? No. Tools? Fuck.

Add people? No.

Filepad? That was stupid.

Okay. Thank you Skype for confusing

my day. Here we go. View and then call

phones. Yes, that makes perfect sense.

Look, man, you're eating, um, ramen

noodles without cooking them? Magic down by two.

Forty-three seconds left.

Damn it. Looks like we almost had it there, but

I don't know. I can't hear. I don't know if they called the file on us

or what. Forty-one seconds left. Magic down by two.

Magic took it into overtime on a

Hito Tipperoo 3 last night.

but we're unable to beat uh the hornets five zero three eight four one four no answer there

i'm very distracted right now magic game's almost done i will be no longer distracted

hornet shooting two two free throws for the horn uh for the kc thunder let's see what happens

it's very tense shot one made it now made both of the magic down by four now with 41 seconds left

It's still doable, but not very likely.

Somebody was rampaging with a snowplow.

A black guy in Toronto went on a rampage in a snowplow yesterday and killed a cop in his car.

What is that?

Snowplow.

My father-in-law has a snowplow, and I was already halfway in a snowing six inches of snow,

and he said, you probably should have brought out the snowplow.

I'm like, yeah, that would have been cool.

Not a snowplow.

Snowblower.

Snowblower is what I meant to say.

I mean, the guy was probably in an accident, right?

If you pot him in an accident, deal.

People run snowplows?

people thing to do i thought it was like a white man thing to do is run a snowplow there's some

wrong they have black people in canada yeah i know right that's awful far north man a lot of

them escaped to the north they kept going right out of right out of the states went into canada

i think at some point right before the civil war um the certain people got in power in congress

made it so slaves couldn't just make it over the mason dixon line to become free um because

bounty hunters were still were at that point allowed magic hit three magic hit what magic

I had you done by two.

We hit a two-point shot right off the key.

Good deal.

All right, cool.

Still doable if we can get a push here.

32 seconds left.

Might be able to take it home with a three.

I'm certain a Hito Turkoglu will take that last shot if it does happen.

Exciting where we're going to at timeout, full timeout looks like here.

All right.

Trust you're all rooting for the Magic here tonight.

Of course, we need to stop here.

Anyway, yeah, it became a point where bounty hunters were allowed to catch escaped slaves in the north,

and they started moving all the way up to Canada.

So I'm certain, yeah, there are blacks up there, dude.

Of course.

Of course, man.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Basketball's not just about being tall.

Well, I thought they were going to put up that border.

That border.

You know, they were talking about building a wall.

And that's that way they could keep all the brown people out of Canada.

So they'd be stuck in the States.

It'd be a big wall, dude.

I know that's what George Bush and all those guys were talking about.

Crazy fucker.

What the hell's going on with that guy, huh?

It's for the RNC now.

Olive Garden here.

I'm still waiting to see if anybody, whoever sent in the number that we called.

I think that was you, Ken.

No, that was Lonesome Loser.

I'll look at Lonesome's log when he gets in here.

Hopefully he does tonight.

I haven't heard from him in a few days.

Oh, I did want to mention Reclude.

Big Reclude.

Talk to him.

He's in good spirits.

He said hi to everybody, including you, Milkman.

He asked about you.

Oh, my God.

Talk to him, too.

Where the hell is he at?

He's been busy.

He's recording in his studio.

He's still in the Columbus studio.

He said that he is going to try to make an appearance here Thursday night here as soon as he can, but he is very busy.

but he has been following the show

and the podcast. He wants to thank everybody

who voted for him in our previous poll.

He came in second place behind Zolar

for the most wanted

return guest prank caller.

He did mention that. He was

excited that we did release the

prank call, whatever the fuck

it was called,

Junkbuster that he did and

he said he definitely will be making a

return guest appearance here as soon as he can.

Shout out to everybody from

records. Wanted to pass it on to you guys.

Yeah, man, good, good.

We need some more stool samples.

Maybe I need to help you out.

There you go.

More stool samples.

Thank you for calling Olive Garden.

Can I help you?

Yes, sir.

I was calling about a problem with the menu there.

What kind of menu?

Your food menu there that you give out to patrons when they come in to eat.

Yeah.

Yeah, it took way too long to get the menu.

I'm sorry, what?

It took way too long to get the stupid menu.

No.

Yeah, it did.

Are you going to go eat in here or dine in or to go?

Well, I left.

I'm sorry, what?

I left because of the, you know, I didn't get a menu long enough.

I left.

Oh, okay.

Hold on, sir.

I'll transfer you to the manager, okay?

Thank you, sir.

Sorry for that.

Yes, sir.

No, I can't break away.

I must have you every day.

I'm going, I'm going.

Take your curious all the orders.

He got me in your punches and I can't break free.

You're getting to me.

Listen up, they will see.

Thank you for holding.

This is Vastie.

How may I assist you?

Yes, sir.

How are you doing today?

I am doing great.

How are you?

I'm good, sir. I was calling. I had to leave over there. I went and it took far too long to get the stupid menu.

You went where?

I went there to the stupid restaurant.

To the what restaurant?

The stupid restaurant there.

Which restaurant?

Your stupid restaurant.

What happened?

You know what I'm saying? The word stupid that I'm saying?

No.

You know what stupid means?

I'm not understanding what you're telling me.

Do you know what stupid means? Hello?

What was your name?

I'm listening.

What was your name? Was your name Vanya?

Yeah.

Okay, Vanya, I went into your stupid place there.

You understand what I mean, that I'm upset and I say stupid, that it's stupid people?

Okay, uh-huh.

Okay, do you understand?

What does that make you think?

Do you think I'm happy or angry?

No, but let me just hear what happened, please.

I went there, you know, to your stupid place.

Okay.

Yeah, and it took too long to get the stupid menu.

Okay.

So I left upset.

Okay.

So I want to get an apology from the manager, from the owner,

from the person who's in charge who was supposed to give me the menu,

the waitress or waiter who was supposed to give me the menu.

And then I want to get a deal when I come in.

I want to come in and I want to have good service

and I want to have unlimited salad and breadsticks when I come in.

I am sorry. Could you hold, please?

Yes, sir.

Hey, lonesome senior.

Where's your big girl?

Uh, Magic lost this one.

Fucking fuck.

It's better than learning Italian.

Is this the Philippines or something?

Why does that woman talk like that?

.8 seconds left.

We got the ball.

Fouled him.

We've been hung up on here.

I'm sorry.

I'm distracted here.

We got 2.1 seconds left.

We have fouled a black guy who got the basketball in his hands.

That's your matchup.

A black man got the ball in his hands and he's been fouled.

He is now throwing the basketball up in the air.

I want to see a picture of the guy that was driving the black guy that was driving the snowplow.

Man, I don't believe it was a black guy.

It couldn't be.

Can't be.

All right, so now we're behind by three.

One free throw left.

This should be the game here.

If he makes this, it's out of reach.

See, if he misses this one, we'll be able to, you know, tie the game up going to overtime.

Missed, you fucking asshole.

And he made it.

That's a game.

Carlito predicts this game has been lost.

Thank you.

Chris Fry, what's with the Wii?

Everyone who listens to Madhouse Radio is a Magic fan by default.

if you don't like it i got news for you you're all magic fan supporters uh the orlando magic

are the official sponsors of madhouse radio's official prank call show for the orlando magic

yeah buddy they sponsored that last free foul yeah free throw yeah they sure did with their ass

whatever two in a row no big deal all right so lonesome loser has sent in numbers we got 12

monkeys body piercing let's go ahead and see what's up with them toasty here with my gin drink

Seriously, view?

You had to click view to add people?

Magic made a three.

You lost by one point.

12 monkeys.

Listen, is this the tattoo place?

Yes.

Is there a rule there that you have to be sober before you get a tattoo?

Yeah.

What do you guys, you make me sign the papers about that?

Yeah, we have a form that you sign.

But, I mean, if I sign the paper and I'm still drunk, I mean, what's going to happen?

Your tattoo's going to probably look like shit when it heals.

It's not so I don't put something wrong on it?

Well, no, the thing is, is you drink, it thins your alcohol, or the alcohol thins your blood.

It turns out that it's going in your skin, so it's not a good idea to be drunk when you're tattooed.

Well, let's say I got a tattoo and I don't like what it was.

Okay.

Then I wanted to maybe get you guys in trouble for it.

Okay.

So now I'm thinking maybe if you guys couldn't find that paper, then maybe I might have a leg to stand on.

What are you saying?

I'm just going to tell the people, the lawyer or whatever, that I was drinking and you didn't have me sign the paper or something,

or that you guys can't prove it, that you can't find the paper.

For what?

That I wasn't drinking when I had the tattoo done.

Because then you're liable for doing it.

Okay.

All right, so can you check to see if you have my paper there?

Who did your tattoo?

I don't remember.

I was drunk.

You don't remember you were drunk when you got tattooed?

It was a dude.

He had, like, piercings, that guy.

You're calling the wrong shop because nobody here has piercings in their face.

Did he have tattoos on him, probably?

Everybody here has tattoos.

Just about.

Well, look in those papers.

See if you find Ralph Lozang.

Because if not, then I think I got a case.

I'm going to call my lawyer in the morning.

Do you know what shop you got tattooed at?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, my wife took me over there.

When was it? When did you get tattooed?

About a week ago. It was our anniversary.

A week ago for your anniversary?

Yeah, at 12 Monkeys.

At 12 Monkeys?

Mm-hmm.

And you don't remember who tattooed you?

No, my wife planned the whole thing. It was my first tattoo.

Can you look for Ralph Lutterjohn on those papers?

Because if you don't have it, then I'll just talk to my lawyer, and I might have...

Because that's permanent, right? You can't get...

What did you get?

I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about it.

Well, I kind of need to know so I can kind of figure out who did it, because everybody...

It was a dolphin.

Okay.

And it was on a small of my back.

A dolphin small of your back.

Okay.

And tell you, if the guy that tattooed you had piercings in his face?

He might have had tattoos on his face or something.

I don't know.

I was kind of out of it.

My wife's not talking to me ever since I got it done.

There's nobody here that has tattoos.

There's one guy that has a tattoo where you can't even notice it.

Okay.

But nobody here has piercings in their face.

I have a receipt and stuff.

You have a receipt?

My wife has a receipt and paper.

She says, yeah.

Okay.

Bring it down, and then we'll sit down and go through the paperwork.

No, I'm not going to you guys.

I'm going to the lawyer.

It has nothing to do with you.

They're going to send you a letter or something.

Okay.

If you can help me out, just look in those papers.

Do you have the papers?

Not right in front of me.

Hang on one second.

Let me get your name and number, and I'll give you a call when I look through them.

Put me through to the papers room.

What?

You've got the room where the papers are, right?

Yeah, in that room over there, you should have a file or something that has all those papers.

You're supposed to keep carbon copies of the papers because you're supposed to be able to provide one for my lawyer,

one for you, one for me, and an extra copy in case there's a fire.

Okay, well, give me your name.

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

Look for those papers, sir.

Ralph?

Yes, Ralph Littlejohn.

L-I-T-L-E-J-O-N?

L-I-T-T-L-E-J-O-H-N.

J-O-H-N.

Well, it's going to take me a few minutes to look through these papers.

Let me call you back and see if I can find it.

Is there a lot of papers there?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

How long do you think it'll take you to get back to me and stuff?

I don't know, hours.

Wow, man, really?

Do you know Bill Bondsman that you can use for yourself?

What's that?

What was your name?

My name is Sean.

Is that what E-A or H-A?

H-A-W-N.

All right, Sean, H-A-W-N.

Okay.

And do you have your papers there?

I do.

And they say you're a licensed therapist, tattoo therapist.

Licensed what?

Licensed tattoo therapist.

Licensed tattoo therapist?

You're supposed to have that you're licensed.

Okay.

Okay, dude, I can almost guarantee you you're calling the wrong shop.

No, this is 12 Monkeys.

Right.

And Big Tracy.

Okay.

That's the ones.

I got that here.

What day did you get tattooed?

Sean made a tattoo.

I'm writing this all down for my lawyer.

Sean tattooed.

I didn't tattoo five people that work here.

Yeah, but you're answering the phone.

So?

So you took responsibility when you answered the phone.

No, I didn't.

I'm answering the phone because it's my job.

It's your job to tattoo people and answer the phone.

I don't have a receptionist at this place.

Oh, do you have a woman that answers the phone?

No.

I'm sorry for making presumptions that you're a man or something.

I'm sorry.

I need to know what date you got tattooed.

Let's see.

When was my anniversary here?

Wednesday the 5th.

The 5th?

Right.

Okay.

Give me a number so I can call you back and look for this.

All right.

702.

All right.

Give me a little bit.

I hope you do.

If not, then I'm going to serve you with papers.

You're going to serve me with papers?

Okay.

What's your information then?

What's that?

What's your license number?

Just let me call you back in a little bit.

You're supposed to have your license there in plain view.

Look, in the state of California, you don't need a license to tattoo.

Well, you said you have papers.

I have my blood-borne pathogen work.

I have my fucking CPR test.

As far as a license goes to tattoo in the state of California, you do not need one.

All right, so you got the numbers off those papers then?

The papers for what?

The one you signed when you got tattooed?

The herpes test, the blood-borne test.

I have those paperwork.

Okay, I will need a copy of that.

Okay, well, let me find your paperwork before we start doing all this.

And who's the insurance there on the building?

Who is it with?

I don't know.

I don't own this place, man.

My lawyer gave me a list of questions to ask.

If you let me go through this list here real quick, and then you can get back to me.

I had the social security number of the person who did the tattoo.

You don't even know who did the tattoo.

I don't know who did the tattoo.

I got that here.

Sean did.

You're going to go ahead and just blame me?

Well, you're good, buddy.

No, no.

No, I'm just, I mean, it's the only name I've got so far, unless you have something better for me.

Right, well, first of all, you would probably need to come down to the shop and talk to the guy that did the tattoo.

Then you can go from there with your fucking lawyer.

Yeah, but you're keeping the information away from me, so I'm...

I don't even know what information you need.

I got a list, I'll read them out to you if you let me read it out.

Why would I give you all that?

Because I...

I don't even know half that shit.

You're required to give me the information, all right?

Yeah, if I...

You can just...

Let me find this paperwork, supposedly, that I have, and then I'll call you back.

And then you can ask me all those questions again.

You're going to get in serious fucking trouble.

I'm going to get in serious fucking trouble.

Unless you give me these papers.

That's right.

Okay, well, you're not here to give them to you,

so apparently I can't get in too much trouble right now.

Well, social security number?

I'm not giving you my social security number.

No, it's a list of questions here.

It's not, it's the person who did the tattoo.

So if you're...

Well, I don't know.

You don't know who did the tattoo.

I don't know who did the tattoo.

So how am I supposed to give you their social security number?

Well, the burden of the proof is on you, sir.

I somehow seriously doubt that.

Well, the burden of proof is on the state, and the Japanese surrendered, so whatever.

What the fuck are you talking about, bro?

All right, I got a different phone number here for you.

You ready?

Yep.

It's 787-879-1873.

Okay.

And that's the Catholic Library in Arecibo, Puerto Rico.

What does that have to do with it?

Because they're representing me.

What is it?

The Catholic Library in Arecibo, Puerto Rico.

And they'll be representing me here in this case.

Okay.

So how do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

Okay, I'm hanging up, buddy.

I'll be back when I'm all right.

All right, I'll be following up with you, sir, in an hour.

I'm going to try to give you a call back in an hour.

Okay, I'm going to fax that information.

Do you have a fax machine there?

No, sir, I do not.

You don't?

You're supposed to have a fax machine.

I'm supposed to have a fax machine?

Why am I supposed to have a fax machine?

Because, I mean, it's kind of the rules here in the state of California on tattoo installations.

What's the woman saying back there?

What's she smart in the mouth about?

There's no woman here.

Who's smart with a mouth over there?

There's a woman talking there being smart with a mouth.

There's nobody here but me.

I want you to say, stop being smart with a mouth.

Say it.

Who do you want me to say it to?

There's fucking nobody here but me.

There's a woman there.

I'm closing the shop.

I'm getting ready to walk out the door.

Not for another hour, you're not?

You're right, I'm not.

That's right.

You're going to get these papers in line for me and get this taken care of.

And I'll be calling you back, buddy.

Oh, I know you.

You know what?

You see, there is somebody there.

Who is it?

Tell me now.

That would be one of my co-workers.

And what's her name?

I'm not telling you.

It's not a her.

I'm not telling you his name.

Sure it isn't.

Okay, buddy.

I'll call you back in a little bit.

It's a big fucking game.

Okay.

Have a good night.

It's a big fucking game until you get a fucking subpoena in the mail.

Cool.

All right.

I have fun arguing with those tattoo places all the time about their papers and such.

Milkman, are you hitting buttons over there?

What's going on?

You got a virus on your phone?

Dog!

At your destination, please.

At your destination.

Oh, dude.

I got me a Beck's Dark right here, man.

man. This one's for you.

It's dark. Well, it's good

shit, man. Reminds me of the island.

How does that remind you of the island?

I always pick... Virgin Islands?

Because every time

before we did a show or when I went out

and bought phone cards, this store

always got back dark beer

because it was ice cold. Every time

I tasted it, it reminds me of when we were

going to do the show. Oh, okay.

I had a handful of phone cards.

It was always at that A-Rap store

where I got these. You could buy them by the singles.

All right.

Nino's got a good suggestion.

He says we should call, get Charlie back on the line, and say it's the lawyer.

I fuck you.

Boy, we should get Crazy Bus Driver to call Debra M.

That should be our lawyer.

Oh, oh, cheese boy.

Cheese dog.

All right, guys.

That was the first Lonesome Numbers.

Cheese dog.

I'd go for a cheese dog right now, fucker.

Well, you got a titty dog here.

Where's my tip?

Almost dropped it.

Lost it.

I got the nurse on here.

The back's dark.

Better than that.

You're going to get nothing out of this tip.

What about some weird water?

Like, you look at it, it's all gooey.

It's like cloudy, the water inside this.

It's really weird.

I wonder what they put in it.

I want to pop it so bad, just get into it, you know?

But then it'd be no fun, because I can't find any more.

Damn!

All right.

Yeah, if it goes flat, man, you lose your implant, dude.

That's the end of it, man.

Man, because whoever got them bought them all up for their kids or something.

All right, good point.

Cowboy Palace Saloon.

Let's see what's up with them.

I tried to get you to buy one for me, too.

I told you they sold out.

I went in there with those intentions, Milkman, and they had nothing left.

I even asked.

Oh, okay.

You know how embarrassing it was to ask?

I think you probably got the rest of them, Kevin, for yourself.

You know how embarrassing it was to ask the Puerto Rican guy in the dollar store for fake boobs?

He's like, what do you mean fake boobs?

I don't have fake boobs.

Cowboy Palace.

Yeah, is this that gay bar of the Cowboys?

Cowboy palace. Yeah, the gay bar with the cowboys. Cowboy palace. Is this the gay bar? Cowboy palace. Cowboy palace. Stupid bitch. Fucking gay bitch.

That's one of them great calls.

I'm screaming the fuck out of her.

Watch this.

Cowboy

Palace.

What's that sound like, Milkman?

I'm putting the microphone in my mouth for it.

Hey, someone's calling back.

It sounded like you were playing a horn or something.

Ralph?

Speaking.

Hey, what's up, man?

This is Sean.

Hey, Big Sean.

You just called here?

Yeah, what do you got for me on those papers?

I got nothing.

Yeah, see?

It's going down.

Going down.

Yeah, so your receipt on a credit card?

My wife has it, and I'm not talking to her right now.

She's jealous.

Okay, that's fine, but is it from a credit card?

It's some kind of signed paper.

I think she paid with a card, probably.

Well, that's where your first mistake is.

Actually, no, no, she didn't.

She didn't pay with a card.

She didn't pay with a card, as a matter of fact, no.

Okay, then what you're from?

Some kind of signed receipt about services rendered.

Okay, we don't have receipts.

So, do you see, there's a whole lacking paper.

I've got such a case on you.

You don't have the papers proving that I authorized the tattoo.

You don't have your own papers proving who made the changes to my skin, who installed the tattoo.

You don't even have a record of services rendered.

So then you explain to me how you're supposed to get yourself out of this one.

I think you might need to do a little more research before you start blaming people, buddy.

All right, so can I go by with my information that I need from you?

No.

What's your social security?

This is completely ridiculous.

I want the social security now.

If you actually have a receipt from a business like the tattoo shop,

it would have the name of the tattoo shop on the top.

God damn it.

God damn it?

Okay.

What time did you get your tattoo?

Do you remember that?

You don't remember what time you got your tattoo?

I don't need to give you any information.

If you don't have any for me, I don't have any for you.

Okay, fair enough.

All right.

Have a good night.

Bye, asshole.

Shit.

Milkman.

Hang on.

Milkman?

Milkman.

Milkman!

Damn it!

That's what he said.

God damn it.

Oh, sorry about that.

Forgot to link you up, you know?

Oh, I had to flip over to the stream, and I heard part of it, man.

Yeah, it was stupid.

I ruined it.

All right, we're going to call back.

That guy called back?

Yeah, he called back.

It was really nasty to me, disrespectful.

All right, so, you know, speaking of milk, man, we're going to call at Kobe's Steakhouse.

Awesome.

I thought you'd like that.

Now you're making me hungry.

Me too, man.

You're making me hungry.

Any second now, the fucking phone will ring.

I'm calling Kobe's Steakhouse.

If you have reached this recording during business hours, we invite you to leave a message, and we will return your call promptly.

Our restaurant hours are 5.30 to 9, Monday through Thursday, 5 to 10 on Fridays, 4.30 to 10 on Saturdays.

Shut up.

That don't sound very cool.

I'm a spirit of Texas.

Pretty white.

Read this message here.

I've been reading these hours.

If you've read these messages.

Going down to the shithole, stomping some mud up out here in the cow pastures, kicking around cow trees.

If you freeze these ways, you're going to call it every day.

All right, Milkman, we're going to take a break here.

What time is it?

11.15?

It might be break time here.

Let's try to call them again, though.

Hang on.

Shit in an oven.

Put some music here.

Man, I love that boobie.

That's not fair.

I want a boobie.

Did you go to the dollar store, Milkman, like I told you?

No, man.

They don't have any boobies.

Keep kidding.

They showed me Christmas ornaments.

That ain't good enough.

Christmas ornaments.

Go to the other dollar store.

Dollar Tree.

Not Dollar Store.

Sure, you gotta go to Dollar Tree.

I want a boobie.

Wait a second, folks.

I gotta clear up the conference here.

We're not gonna be able to add a new number.

Yeah, Ken, I got the macaroni to go.

Don't worry.

I'll call in Dewdrop instead.

I didn't set up a break list here,

so it's gonna be...

Hi, I was trying to help you.

Yeah, hi.

I was...

I had an issue there.

You know, I called in earlier.

And the gentleman made curse words to me on the phone.

What are you gonna do?

Whoa.

Can you hear that?

Whoa.

say nothing wow please answer

milkman it's not fun anymore we gotta buy it with it the milkman there's a weak spot in the titty

uh you can't see it on camera but there's a weak spot here it's like a pimple starting to grow like

a cyst on the side of it i think i might squeeze it oh no it's gonna pop you want me to do it

You're going to have to suck on it and kiss it real nice there.

That way it won't pop.

You want me to do it?

I can do it.

No, don't do that.

No.

That would be nice.

Imagine how bad that would hurt.

It's going to be so much fun.

Oh, yeah, dude, look.

You probably can't see it.

It's got a weak spot there somewhere.

That's not good, man.

It's a lump.

You're supposed to check for lumps all the time.

Okay.

Look, guys, we're going to take a break here.

We really need to take a break, okay?

When we come back, we've got more pranks to do.

We're going to call the Macaroni Grove.

Lonesome Loser has sent it in.

and he sent in an additional one as well.

We've got the Hanger One Steakhouse.

We've got the Wayfarer Inn.

We've got a Chuck E. Cheese here, also from Grindr.

And we've got us a call back at Olive Garden.

It's Madhouse Radio.

Probably ending the show just after midnight tonight.

We've got things to do tomorrow.

In the meantime, a request to me, Carlito.

Madhouse Radio is the screen name if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger,

and madhouseatlive.com

if you're using MSN Messenger.

Or use the Request a Prank form

over at madhouseatlive.com.

Thank you for tuning in to us.

Hey, Hermano.

On Cacti Radio.

Yes, Milkman, go ahead.

I got a quick news report.

Sweet Kisses reports

that Bella is healing rather nicely,

but she's still in big pain

and she's not sleeping at all.

Thank God.

What the hell are you talking about?

I think for the break

we're going to play

some Jim Stewart

prank call here

I don't know which one

I'm going to play

I don't care

see what we got

because on bat now

is the children

who break up marriages

and I really don't

want to listen to that

I know this is funny

it's called

Kashumbuk

part two

I played Robinson

way too much

we got Baba Palace

we do Baba Palace

there right

I know that's funny

but we'll do Baba Palace, all right?

You like that?

You like them apples, bitches?

Let's do it.

Woo-hoo.

I like Baba Palace.

Baba.

Baba OJ.

All right.

Be back in about five minutes, everybody.

Enjoy your spaces.

Dear Michael, and I would ask that your precious blood

would wash and cleanse every stain

until it is in the seas of God's forgetfulness

never to be remembered against me.

One of the most mysterious books ever written is the Book of Revelation or the Apocalypse.

This book reveals the future of the world and your part in it.

The Book of Revelation, the last book in your Bible, features apocalyptic symbols and secrets.

Madhouse, Madhouse.

Madhouse Radio will be...

Let's go.

Break in my...

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Dad, it's a long weekend.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

we are back

I get to trade email with him

and he's a man on a mission

he's obsessed with getting pussy

from the email conversations

that I can't get out of him lately

that's all he ever talks about

he's working in a Japanese restaurant

or something

No, we're doing badminton or something like that.

Tennis, badminton.

He gave up on pranks.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Well, he's still pretty young, dude.

Yeah, he's a good guy, you know.

We'll get him.

We'll bring him around.

Anyway, I wanted to mention here, guys.

He'll come back.

I wanted to get a poll here.

I'm not a big fan of the Papa John's pizza, okay?

Let me give you my story here.

We always end up talking about food on the show.

I'm not a big fan of the Papa John's pizza.

I find their pizza to be rather watery.

now something that i'm really not a fan of is with papa john's is their um their garlic dipping

sauce i've got some right here you know they include with the pizzas for free i find it to

be too watery like by the time you get towards the end of it it's like water it sucks it's

fucking ass conversely however for the longest time little caesars had their own garlic butter

dipping sauce which was good it's it's like butter with garlic seasoning it's not a watery

mess it's not oil it's like that squeeze butter you know you know you can get that parquet butter

that squeeze you know it's in a container and you squeeze it out you know in a bottle in a bottle

yeah come in a bottle you get it in the dairy section it's like that with garlic salt it's good

i love it but i hate this watery shit okay so i'm at i'm in pennsylvania i'm north and it's my

nephew's 18th birthday and they ordered pizza for him you know we had a little get together party

party for them and they ordered pizza and i had papa john's for the first time in years

and the garlic dipping sauce it's the butter stuff that they used to have at little caesars

and and hungry howies and they don't make it like that anymore they were they started doing the oil

water shit there now you can't find it i've been making it myself i've been buying like what i do

is i'll buy whenever i get pizza sometimes i'll get the the the squeeze butter and i'll mix it

with some garlic salt at home and i'll dip it in that because i hate this shit i hate this water

shit use the garlic powder dude not the salt man that's too much sodium okay whatever actually i

use the garlic powder that's you're right though i do use the garlic powder anyway well listen what

i'm getting at the pizza over there it came the garlic dipping sauce it was the butter shit it

was the actual butter the stuff that i like and i was excited like holy shit i haven't had papa

john's in so long i haven't had a chance to realize that they stopped making the oil water shit it's

actual butter with the garlic flavor and i get down here and i'm all excited and yesterday i

order papa john's pizza and i order extra of this garlic dipping sauce 75 cents each because i'm

like fuck yeah they got the good shit now again and guess what i get the watery shit again the

oil water shit the fuck man the fuck so if anybody knows there if if you get joy uh papa john's pizza

where you live up north or wherever it is if you get the butter stuff let me know i'm just curious

why is it that the one in florida is getting the oil shit this pisses me we need to call papa

Papa John's and find out.

I know.

I've thought about, like, it was cool.

I think this would be a valid complaint for Jack Masterson.

Yeah.

Anyway, let's do some more prank calls here.

For the ever-ongoing search for food excellence, this is a job for Jack Masterson.

The Institute of Food Excellence, Jack Masterson and the Man House crew.

That's us here, man.

I'm going to try dipping popcorn in it, see if it's any good.

There you have it.

See, the Papa John's stuff is good at first, but when you get towards the bottom, it ends

It ends up being like cloudy water.

Ugh, God, fuck.

It's pissing me off.

God damn it.

All right.

Yeah, it tastes good if you dip it in popcorn or whatever.

I want to go to the movie theater to see the popcorn.

Yeah, movie theater over here where I go to, it's all you can eat popcorn.

You can get the large, the large bucket, finish it off, and halfway through the movie, I get up, go refill it, get extra butter on it.

There's another movie theater here where they let you put your own butter on it, like the butter machine is your own.

Man, I kill it.

I got like half a pound of butter in that, man.

More than that probably, just soaking it, soaking it in that butter.

I love buttered popcorn, man.

That's how you do it.

Milkman, you still there or did I lose you?

Milkman.

Jill, you're asking what song this is.

This song or the one that we came back to the show with?

Let me know.

Hello?

Hey, man, lost you.

Oh, man, I lost you, dude.

Sorry, I was trying to call back.

Thank you.

Okay, I got you.

So, dude, I think that what they're doing is somebody's taking and opening those little lids,

putting water in there and sucking out half of the sauce.

I guess.

and remarketing that shit.

Yes, man.

So what we need to do is find out who the middleman is

that's actually taking and removing the sauce

and find out where it's going.

Because that's how you capitalize and get back in the loop.

It's been like that forever.

Well, with Little Caesars, it was cool.

Little Caesars, the pizza isn't that good,

but it's $5.99 fresh and ready, so you don't have to wait.

And the good thing was you could buy your sauce for a dollar,

and the butter, the garlic butter, they made it there themselves every time.

They actually took the squeeze butter, and they put garlic powder in it, and they sold it like that.

And it was the shit that I liked.

I get it.

I get a bunch of them.

Then they stopped doing that, and they just sell this shit here.

Not the same, but it's like their own little packets, and it sucks ass.

So it's gone there.

Hungry Howies, the Hungry Howies here by my house, right up the street, they used to make their own.

They used the squeeze butter, and they would put garlic salt in it whenever I'd call.

all and they knew and and then they started selling the packets and i complained about it

and i said all right we'll we'll make the other stuff like we'll make the old stuff like we used

to and the last time i ordered from them the guy said he didn't know what i was talking about like

fuck you then man you know what i'm talking about i'm the fat puerto rican guy that orders the the

old school uh unhealthy garlic butter that you don't want to make oh man so i resorted to make

it in myself i just you know but it's so inconvenient like i don't want to have to

make an extra, you know, fucking thing.

Damn it, cutbacks.

By the time you get it made, then your pizza's cold.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

How come Nunu's not off?

Look, you're supposed to be in charge of that,

offing people and whatnot and so forth.

Who got off?

All right, let's call Romano's Macaroni Grill,

where we had a complaint two weeks ago

about somebody hanging up on us or something.

Oh, Nunu got on off.

Okay, I didn't see that.

I got him.

Probably got booted off because he's out of sales.

He probably was busy wanking.

That's what it was.

But he was watching the titty ball there, and he was getting excited.

I wanted to mention, with talking about Nunu,

I wanted to mention my sister-in-law was talking to me two days ago.

I'm trying to, since I'm thinking about moving up to the north and northern states,

she's mentioning how to drive, you know, in the snow and how they, you know,

when it's snowing, they come out and they salt the streets and stuff like that.

And she's telling me, you know, lately, because of the budget,

a lot of cities, they don't have enough money for salt, and they run out of salt.

And I thought about Nunu and his thing with KDK, where he always has them call about salt.

and a run on salt and people running out of salt.

Yeah, I had a little chuckle.

Dina wouldn't know what I was talking about.

See, I dumped it in the popcorn.

Now the popcorn's watery.

Thanks for calling Romano's Macaroni Grill.

Sir, this is Danielle speaking.

God damn it, the sauce is watery.

I'm sorry?

This sauce is watery over here.

I'm sorry?

I ordered some takeout, and the sauce is watery again.

Are you at the restaurant right now?

No, I'm not at the restaurant right now.

That's silly.

I ordered takeout, and the sauce came out watery again.

Okay.

What did you get?

What's that about?

Fucking bitch.

She's the one that hung up last time, remember?

Remember those when I hung up?

That's her.

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm all over this this time, guys.

Don't worry.

We'll never end up calling the reinforcements.

Oh, I'm all over this one.

I remember her.

She's the little hang-up girl.

What was her name?

Thank you for calling.

I'm on his back.

Ready to go.

I have practice bottles.

Wine on Tuesday.

This is Romeo speaking.

How can I help you?

Ah, Romeo, huh?

Yeah.

And the girl that just picked up the phone, who was it that hung up, did the same thing

into me two weeks ago.

What was that?

Yeah, you know what

I'm talking about, Romeo.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, two weeks ago

I called over there

and some woman

hung up the phone

on me over there

trying to get away

from the problem.

Oh, dude, do you see again?

No, no, okay, no.

I'm hanging up the phone

and if you call back again

I'm going to call

the police next time.

You're an asshole dickhead.

I've already informed

my corporate about you, sir.

The sauce is water.

You're harassing our employees.

Goodbye.

The sauce is water.

He informed corporate about me.

His sauce was weak.

We are scared now.

We're terrified.

I'm going to choke on my popcorn.

I'm calling the police.

I got weak socks, but I'm calling the police.

Okay.

That's too funny.

That's funny.

She informed.

We offer half-price bottles of wine on Thursdays.

This is Romeo speaking.

How can I help you?

Oh, I didn't mean to call back.

We just made a big deal about calling you back or something.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to call back.

I hit redial. I meant to call the other macaroni girl.

Okay, no problem.

No, but what was going to happen again, you said?

I'm sorry?

You said something was going to happen because of a callback?

No, hold on for just one moment, okay?

It was an accident.

Okay, have you been helped yet, sir?

No, I was waiting.

Okay, hold on for just one second.

Thank you.

What did I do to them last time?

Can you help me find the grocery store?

Thanks for holding.

How can I help you?

Yeah, what happened?

Hello, who's this?

Hmm?

This is Cross.

This is Cross?

Yeah, is this Romeo?

Yes, this is Romeo.

Yeah, you said to call you back or something.

No, I said please don't call back again, sir.

No, I called back on accident.

You told me to hang on just now.

No, I said please don't ever call back again, sir.

Yeah, I'll call back on accident.

Thank you so much.

This conversation is over, sir.

You have a great day, okay?

No, I'm still going.

I'm still going.

What happened?

I forget exactly what happened.

Ken knows.

Ken remembers.

I got hung up.

Once put on Epic Hold after that

And then spoke to Romeo

Yeah, I talked to another manager woman

I remember, that is the girl that just hung up the phone

I mean, remember really quick and I called back all pissed off

She recognized you

That's funny

She's like, oh, it's you

I talked to corporate about it already

Jill, you were asking about the music

I'm playing instrumentals

Off of the Beastie Boys

2008 album

It was a completely instrumental album

and I'm trying to get you the name of the album.

I think the song you were listening to

is called The Cousin of Death.

Yes, the album came out in 2008

and it's called The Mix-Up by the Beastie Boys

and a completely instrumental album

which I've been playing here for a few years now.

Enjoy it. Get it. Download it for free

over at ThePirateBay.com

Sponsors of the last half hour of the show.

Enjoy that one on me.

This one's called The Melee.

Yeah, the previous segment was brought to you by Macaroni House.

Macaroni Grill. Macaroni House.

Yeah, yeah, Macaroni House.

There's a change to that because of me.

I wanted to mention I finally finished over my vacation up north.

I finally finished on the toilet.

I finished reading the Phone Losers book.

Great read.

I loved it.

I recommend everyone go out there and buy it online if you haven't yet.

It's being sold through an affiliate of the Amazon store.

Great read.

Good times.

If you like prank calls and phones and shit like that, dude, it's an awesome read.

It's just so funny.

There was so much.

You know, RBCP talks about pranks that he's done in the past and stuff like that.

It was great.

Great. I really recommend it. I had a great time reading it.

Milkman, maybe I'll send you that book next, now that I read it, if you want.

It's a good read.

Do you read, Milkman? Can you read English? Do you know how?

Awesome.

Do you know how to read?

Not really. I'm still practicing, so maybe that'd be a good way to learn.

Okay. All right, cool.

All right, let's call the oven macaroni grill.

I'll try not to eat, guy. I know it's rude.

I'm just hungry. I'm diabetic. I got low sugar.

I could end up getting angry.

I could end up beating up my wife in the background while you guys watch.

You don't want that?

Thieners.

Good Thieners.

Yeah, a wild sex scene here later on.

You can't do that.

Oh, we did some freaky stuff last night.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you all about that later, my friend.

Thank you for calling the Moms Macaroni Grill.

It's good, Captain Ashley.

I can help you.

Yeah, I was talking to Romeo.

He's got me on my...

He gave me some attitude over there.

What?

I was talking to Romeo, and he gave me some attitude over there.

Romeo?

Yeah.

He's at the Romano's Macaroni Grill.

Yeah, he told me to give you a call.

He said if I called him again, I was going to be in big trouble.

He said what now?

You see, I was going to be in big trouble if I called him again.

Called who again?

Romeo at Romano's.

This is Cross.

Who?

Cross.

I was calling him about the sauce.

Cross about the sauce.

Is your manager there?

Huh?

Is your manager there?

Yeah.

Can I talk to your manager, please?

Speaking.

I'm the general manager.

Is there a man I can talk to?

What?

A man I can talk to.

I'm the only one here.

I'm the GM.

Oh, Jesus.

Wow.

Big deal.

I'm the GM.

How much do you make a year?

50K?

How

I can do for you?

Yeah, I want you to write down a report about Romeo, the macaroni grill.

I want him reprimanded.

You're the general manager, right?

Yes.

Well, write him up for me.

I want you to take down my report.

No, I don't.

There's no Romeo that works here.

Yeah, but you represent macaroni grill.

I can't hear you with your mouth full.

I'm sorry, hang on.

You work for macaroni grill, right?

You represent him?

Yes.

All right, so write down the report.

I want you to send it to corporate.

Do you have a standard for him?

Where does he work at?

Romeo Romano's.

Then you need to contact that store.

He said I'm not allowed to call there anymore.

Well, then he probably doesn't want you to call there anymore.

Well, you work for Macaroni Grill, and you haven't been threatening me yet,

so why don't you write down this report?

It was trouble for you.

Okay, sir, is there anything else I can help you with tonight?

Do you have a standard form for writing people up?

I do for people at this location, yes.

Well, get that out.

I've got a complaint about someone who works there.

They don't work here, sir.

No, I came into your store, and someone was mad to me.

What?

Bad to me.

Who was it?

What was your name?

My name is Ashley.

Yeah, Ash is the name.

So I was mean to you?

Yeah, the guy with the girl's name, he was mean to me.

Oh, very nice.

That's good.

Does that hurt?

Have a nice night, sir.

Okay, Julie.

Bye, Stacy.

That's a member two weeks ago.

That's funny.

We had the guy that called back with the girl's name.

Remember that milkman?

He's like, fuck you.

I got your number.

I'm going to trace it.

Yeah, big fucking deal.

Why'd you call me?

You got a girl's name, sir.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

You're an asshole.

Something like that.

This is Tony.

His name was like, wasn't it Marge or something?

Margie?

Something stupid like that.

Andy.

Yeah, it was Andy.

Andy called in.

Stay calm.

Hours of operation are 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Thursday.

Ah, they're close.

Sorry, Lonesome.

I waited until on the call that one, bro.

Sorry, I'm slacking.

And I know you make extra effort always to try to get, you know, the show as soon as you can.

You're a good friend, Lonesome, man.

And, yeah, lonesome, I might be moving out to Pennsylvania.

We'll have to hang out, do some shopping together.

Hey, cool.

We're going to go to Target, The Gap, what stores?

You don't have Target down there?

Yeah, we got Target.

Dude, Target, man, they got groceries.

They're everywhere, like a pariah.

Yeah, dude, Target.

Good evening.

Hello.

Thank you for calling the Wayfair.

You know your party's room number.

You may dial it.

Thank you for calling.

The operator.

Please wait a moment.

Shut up.

Target, um, not, not, the regular Target, not the super Target, they started selling groceries down here.

Wayfairian.

Oh, you're the Wayfarer?

Yes.

I gotta make a complaint over there.

Do what?

Yeah, I gotta make a complaint.

About what?

That people don't have ice in the room.

Well, we have an ice machine, you can get in your own ice.

Yeah, but I want to know if I can move the ice machine to my room.

Oh, no.

Why not?

Because it can't be moved.

All right, so when I check in, what do you have in the room for me?

Do you have television?

Do what?

Do you have televisions in the room?

Yes.

And can I move the television around?

No, there's no television in every room.

Is it attached?

Yes.

No, I think I can move the TV, right?

It's not attached to the furniture, right?

Yes, it is.

Does the furniture move?

I'm going to move the furniture into the bathroom.

Why would you want to move the furniture into the bathroom?

Because I want to watch TV when I'm taking a shit in the toilet.

Is that okay?

Hello?

Hello, goddammit.

You want to take a shit in the bathroom?

No, you take my furniture.

Can I take a shit in the toilet?

Yes, you can take a shit in the toilet.

I don't want to watch TV while I'm taking a shit in the toilet.

You understand?

Well, that's too bad.

You can't move its furniture.

Does it have a refrigerator?

Yes, there's a refrigerator in there.

Is the refrigerator close to the TV?

It's near the bathroom.

I'm going to take a shit in the refrigerator.

You're not going to know who I am.

I'm going to take a shit in it.

Hello?

Please.

Hello, please.

Oh, man.

All right, call back.

Wait a moment.

Finfin.

Wait, they're in.

Yeah, hi.

I was talking to the smoking lady over there.

Talking to who?

Smoking lady.

Yeah.

You know who that is?

What was your meeting?

About the toilet.

What about the toilet?

Well, I wanted to move the TV closer to the toilet.

No, you can't move the furniture.

Well, but it's possible to move it.

Is it nailed to the floor?

No, but you're not allowed to move the furniture.

Well, how do you find out?

What do you mean, how do I find out?

Like, if I move it, you're not going to find out.

Yeah, we will.

I already did that.

Would it be a problem?

Yes.

I need a new TV.

It's an unrelated subject, but I need a new TV.

What's wrong with your TV?

Well, I moved it into the bathroom.

It better not be, or we'll be charging you for a TV.

Put the TV back where it belongs.

Well, I've got to pick it up now.

Hang on, all right?

Can you send someone to help me?

I'm going to have to do it myself.

You moved it yourself, didn't you?

All right, hang on.

Let me try to unscrew it.

It's not coming out now.

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus.

You have maintenance over there to fix the TV that you broke?

That you broke?

No, no.

It was defective like this.

No, it wasn't.

There wasn't a sign here that said that I can't move the TV, lady.

Dad, you broke.

She was there still.

Better put it back.

Evening.

I'm going to dial it now.

Please dial.

She's on a 112.

Please wait a moment.

Sounded good, though, ma'am.

I heard you, ma'am.

I had to find a sound.

Sounded like an electric scooter, Edward.

Give me a room number here, Milkman.

No one's in 112.

104?

Huh.

Custom service menu.

Fuck you.

Let's call it back and talk to him.

Start dialing around.

Leave a message.

Give us some service manual.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling the white man.

The operator.

Please wait a moment.

Thank you.

Run the tool and bang on stuff.

I can't get this damn thing back up.

Milkman, can you hear this?

Tell me.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Shit.

The white man.

Dial it now.

Please dial zero.

Run the tool and bang on a bunch of shit.

Can this be free?

The operator.

Please wait a moment.

Wait for him.

Yeah, I was calling about that TV.

Yes, what about the TV?

You need me to move it, or can you send someone to help me?

Is it in where it's supposed to be?

No.

Where's it at?

It's in the bathroom part.

Why would you put the TV in the bathroom?

I had to use the toilet.

I wanted to keep watching the Magic Game.

Okay, well, put the TV back in.

Can you hang on?

Because my wife's going to do it.

Okay.

Dana!

Dana, go ahead.

She said move it.

You sure it's okay for her to move it?

Yes.

She's moving it.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

I think the TV's broken now.

You just broke the TV.

You guys broke the TV here.

How could we break the TV?

It should have been secured.

What room are you in?

It should have been secured on the ground there so you can't move it off the ground.

Well, why would you move the damn TV in the first place?

Well, it was on the ground to start with.

It wasn't on the furniture.

It was on the floor.

Okay.

Okay, well, I'll report it to the owner then.

Well, I'm reporting you.

What's your name?

No, I'm going to report it because you guys broke the TV.

Well, I'm reporting you to the TV.

You guys moved the TV so you broke it.

I'm telling the TV on you.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm reporting you to the TV people.

You guys better come here and fix this TV.

I want a new TV.

I want it to be working.

I want HBO.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Well, we don't have nobody here to change the TV out because the TV's already on.

You get down here.

God damn it.

The maintenance man won't be here until 7 o'clock this morning.

What are you doing there?

I'm checking people in.

Well, check yourself in and get over here and start working.

Start moving TVs.

My penis is hard.

I'm handcuffed to a bed.

I need help. I don't know my room number.

Nice. Alright, let's do this TV thing

somewhere else. Oh, hey, Lonesome.

You were gone for this. Lonesome, do me

a favor. I want to call the Homa Hotel

in Iran. If you think you might

be able to find it. Oh, yeah, the Homa Hotel. Oh, my God,

yeah. If you can find the Homa Hotel, I would

love to call them and talk to them about the TV.

About taking a shit in the TV or

something like that. Let's make it happen, Lonesome.

Come on. Alright, in the meantime, we're going to call the Traveler's

Motel. Hey, call back to the...

You should call back to the

some pony show

back in Guam, too, man.

That was pretty good.

Oh, no.

They were telling

the base commander about it.

Who was the guy

we were talking about?

Bernie.

He was calling

the base commander on me,

remember?

You know,

calling General So-and-so?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

You need to remind me

of another premise, too.

We'll do that.

Thank you for calling

the Traveller's Inn.

If you know the guest room number,

you may dial it now

or dial zero

for the operator

or stay on the line

for further information.

You are being transferred

to one.

One.

I said 104.

Sorry.

The person you're trying to reach

is unavailable at this time.

Okay, so, any more options?

You are being transferred to one.

I didn't say one, you shit.

Sorry, the person you're transferring to

please enter your mailbox number.

Fuck, I'm gonna call it again.

If you know the guest room number,

you may dial it now or dial zero

for the operator or stay on the line

for further assistance.

You are being transferred to the operator.

For further assistance.

Yeah, listen, I moved the TV over

to the bathroom where the toilet is.

Hello?

Yeah, I moved the TV where the toilet is.

What's this?

104.

104?

Yeah.

And I moved the TV where the toilet is.

What is in 104?

108.

You moved the TV?

Yeah.

On the stand, on top.

Yeah, but I put it where the toilet is.

Because I went to take a shit in the toilet.

You understand?

So?

I moved the TV so I could watch it.

And then?

Yeah, it fell on the floor.

I want a new TV right now.

You moved the TV?

Yeah, I put the TV in the shower and it fell.

And it broke the shower

You know the bottom part of the shower

It damaged it and the TV's broken

TV?

What are you talking about?

The television that you watch the TV shows on

Damn it

Do you have an extra TV that you can give me?

No, not tonight

No, then you put me in 104 then

I want you to put me in 104

Right now

Alright, Noonoo wants us to do this stupid thing

The reverse

Well, we already talked about it

The reverse home and hotel thing

Okay

We'll do it on the next one

The Century Motel

You got it, Noonoo

Seriously, what are we going to do, dude?

If I move, it's going to be at least a month before I can do this show again.

I mean, they're going to have to set things up all over again, bro.

You guys going to be okay without me?

I don't know.

I can't have...

You just got to take a camera and take all your connections,

and that way it'll be a lot easier.

Okay.

I think I can manage that.

I'm just saying.

No, I do it.

I do it all the time on computers and shit.

Like when I disassemble them, there's stages,

so that way it's really easy to remember

man but what if you have to disassemble your camera if i gotta disassemble my camera i won't

put it in my shower because i'll shit in the refrigerator first he was in the refrigerator

first i got you man good point the hillcrest motel isn't that way well the century isn't

we'll call the hillcrest instead good point milkman you always get an answer for everything don't

you you bastard son of a bitch bastard son of a bitch hey ted webb's online oh chris yeah hello

Hello.

What are you saying?

I am here, and there is a man in one room, okay?

You are what?

There is a man in one room, and there is one bed in the room, and in the bed with another man.

There is a man in one room, and in the one room he has a bed, one bed, and another man in him with the bed in the wrong room.

I'm in the room.

What is your name?

This is Ali Kamal.

Hello.

What room?

Hey!

Hello!

Hello, sir.

Sir?

What room are you in?

104.

How are you, Dan?

Eh?

Hello?

What'd you say?

I'm going to put my son on the phone, okay?

Huh?

I put my son on the phone.

On the front?

On the phone.

Okay.

Hang on.

Hello?

What's your name?

This is Cross, I said.

Cross?

Yeah, there's a man, there's a man, and he's in a room.

I mean, are you here in our motel?

Yeah, there's a man in the room in the hotel.

And he's got only one bed in the room.

You know what I mean?

Well, yeah.

I mean, are you in there with him or what?

Yeah, there's two men with one bed, one room.

So what room are y'all in?

104.

Well, I don't have no 104.

Well, there's two men in the room having sex right now.

Well, I mean, what do you want me to do?

I want you to stop it because this is a goddamn Christian country.

Well, you're in my motel.

Yeah, and you've got people there having sex, men with men having sex in the hotel.

In my hotel.

I'm calling anonymously because I have a report of men having sex there.

Well, I don't know.

Well, do something about it.

Are you not Christian?

I don't like the hotel thing because they want to have the room number,

and they never have the fucking room number, you say.

Never.

Oh, my God.

Is that the real Ted Webb?

I told him to get in there.

I told him, yeah.

I told him it was online.

I told him to get in there.

Ted, Jack is back.

Jack is back.

Yeah, listen.

Oh, fucking bish.

Okay.

Welcome back, Ted.

Hello, Banchot.

Ted, call in.

I'll pass you the number.

You want to call in and do a Banchot prank real quick, if you're not busy?

Absolutely, man.

I'd love to hear one of your calls.

Ted Amarilan.

Where's that Bubba?

Bubba.

The repairman.

Jack.

Hello.

This is Jack.

And remember, Ted does that effeminate voice, too?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm just making that up.

I don't know who he does.

He does that operator.

He does that real nicely, geeky guy.

Here we go.

We got a blast from the past here.

Breaking news, Milkman.

We got the Houma Hotel ready to go.

We haven't called them in about a year.

Thank you, Lonesome.

Time to call Iran.

Iran's so far away.

I'm pointing my teeth now.

Shit.

This is the Houma Hotel.

Hello?

Yes, this is the Houma Hotel.

Okay.

Houma Hotel, Iran.

Hello?

Houma Hotel, Iran.

Hello?

Houma Hotel, Iran.

Is this you?

Yes, yes, yes.

This is Homa Hotel of Thay Barakas.

Is your face covered right now?

Are you showing your hair or is it covered?

Do we have what?

Your hair.

Is your hair showing or is it covered right now?

From where you come here?

Because I have a report to make about a man that's there right now.

Do you want to have a reservation here?

I'm planning on making a reservation, but I got a report.

You are at a port now?

No, I have to make a report about one man

with another man in the room together right now.

I don't know what he's saying.

Only if you say it slowly, it's better.

Damn it.

Slowly, say it slowly.

One man.

Yes.

One, another man.

Yes.

One room.

What?

One bed.

Yes.

One bed.

For when?

Now, right now.

Okay, we have.

You can come here.

They have sex.

What?

They're having sex, two men together in the room.

Okay, you want a double room, yes?

No, no, one room.

One room for two persons?

For two men.

For two men, yes, good.

To have sex and make kissing.

With?

With a man.

With a woman.

Hi, this is my family.

Hi.

Yes, hello, is this Iran?

You can come here, we have double room.

No, no, no. I want to have one room for kissing man with another man only.

Just one room?

Just one room. I think you have fun.

No.

I think you have fun.

Can I see your hair?

No.

I want to see your hair.

We can't. So sorry. You can't come here because this is in love with country, city, and people.

If you want to have this, you can't come here.

I want to kiss woman.

You can choose another place.

I can kiss woman?

No, bye.

No, kiss woman.

I'm so sorry, bye.

I want to kiss you.

Bye.

Kissing you.

Whatever.

Cool, that's Iran, everybody.

You hear the echo there?

That's the CIA listening to the call.

I'm telling you what.

Anyway, so there we go.

People, as you know, this is a Muslim country.

You're not allowed to have men kiss another man.

Remember the guy used to tell us it is not permitted.

It is not permitted.

What's up that call to Guam, man?

Still got that one where you're talking to Ernie?

What's his name, Ernie?

Yeah, one girl was Turkish.

She said she's Turkish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think that's the one, because...

Yeah, it's not in Turkey.

Listen, the one that we used to call was in Tehran.

Lonesome.

Not this one, because the one you sent me was in Rande, Abra, Ababas.

And he sent me another one in Azadi Park.

That's not the one, I don't think.

Maybe, let's see.

Because the one we used to call, and they go,

Welcome to Homo Hotel Tehran.

That's what it'd say every time we call it.

Welcome to Homo Hotel Tehran.

All right, let's try this one.

We got a different one here.

It used to be a Hilton until the revolution, and it got taken over by the Iranian government.

Homeless. Homeless.

There's nothing wrong with being a gay. I like it. I love gay people.

Is this Tehran, Iran?

Hello?

Is this the homosexual hotel?

Yeah.

Okay, good. I want to make a reservation.

Yes.

Okay, for one room?

Yeah, where are you now? You are in Iran?

I'm on my way. I'm in my helicopter.

Okay. So, what's your name, please?

This is Cross Valente.

Cross?

Valente. Listen

to me, goddammit.

Yeah, and how many rooms do you like?

One room.

One bed for two men. I want two men in the bed at the same time.

Two men on one bed or separated?

No, no, the one bed.

Okay.

Man kissing the other man.

Just hold the line, please.

Okay. I think he's a gay.

I'm a gay monster.

Hello.

Yes, I'm making a reservation for one bed, one man, two men, one bed.

Wait a moment, please.

Who is this?

Yes.

Why am I talking to you again?

Hello.

Okay.

Yep.

What do you got?

You want a reservation for when?

I want two men in the bed at the same time.

Okay.

And they're going to kiss each other.

Make kissing and having sex.

What?

The two men are going to have sex in the bed in your hotel.

Wait a moment.

You want to reserve a room?

Well, yeah, but I just want to make sure that no one interrupts.

I'm going to have sex with a man in the room.

So I only want one bed.

You haven't any man for you?

No, I have my own man.

He's my husband.

A husband?

I have a husband, yes

I'm a gay

I have to discuss this

It's okay

It's okay to have sex there?

Yeah

Okay, what about

Is there a woman there

That maybe wants to come?

What is he saying?

Okay

When do you

When do you come in hotel?

Well, I just got to Iran

I came to the big airport

You want a double room?

No, single room

Just because the man

Is going to have sex with the man

What's your rate?

Rate of the room

is charging for two

persons. No. No.

No. Excuse me, sir.

I can't have a reservation.

I can't make a reservation for you.

Because the law is our hotel.

What is the law? Yeah.

I'm a human. I can have sex with man

if I want. Do you know what sex is?

Do you know what is sex? Why?

Do you know?

They know.

They get all horny when they talk about sex.

They're repressed over there.

I need a good sexin'. Right, Milkman?

Milkman? Huh? Milkman? Huh?

yeah uh-huh hello thank you have that web call in he doesn't want to call him he said he wasn't

interested he told me no seriously uh ted webb you want to call in oh let me send him the number

hang on i want to hear tato my old friend big old if you have a number get the private pm

yeah i am i'm right now go ted that's the skype in number don't share it but if you're interested

in calling in and maybe doing a bunch of things you can go ahead if you're not busy again he might

He might be busy.

Ted might be busy doing stuff, you know, with the old lady.

He might be busy.

I know he's not having sex because he had a vasectomy.

So that means you can't have sex anymore after you get a vasectomy.

Oh, shit.

Ouch.

And you lose your ability to have sex.

I got my feet or so to my leg, and that don't help either, man.

We got a number in Tokyo.

We got the Saigon restaurant.

It looks like a Vietnamese restaurant in Tokyo.

Oh.

You had that girl hot.

hot she was like uh-huh they called the girl in vietnam though after that remember she said

she wanted to marry me i told her i told her i was tom cruise that's two at least two women

remember amd married some girl on the air one time to our lawyer yep

hi this is vagina jones yes my name is vagina jones hello hello english speaker i can't you

Do you speak English, baby?

I can't speak English.

You know sex?

You know what sex is?

You know what is sex?

I guess she does.

I think sex is one of those words they all know.

Look at that.

Denver Nuggets beating the shit out of Miami.

And she hung right up.

All right, we got the original Home My Hotel,

the one that we pranked for months and months on end.

Lonesome Loser confirming he has found that target number.

Let's do it.

Oh, my God.

Awesome.

Yeah, but there's our hero again.

Ken wants us to call Big Booty Brenda.

No, she doesn't talk to us anymore, dude.

That's it.

This is the one.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Hi, Dan.

Hi, I am an American.

Okay.

I want to make a reservation for homosexual.

Okay, no problem.

Do you send your fax or email?

I'm going to put it in my ass.

Okay, just a moment.

I'm coming to the reservation department.

Hold on.

Thank you.

Oh, sir, how are you?

Hello, thank you.

Good.

Good, that's good.

I had a question.

Yes.

When the man goes down there, and he sees the woman, but he chooses a man instead, what is the problem?

The man has a room, and he's going to invite another man to stay in the room with him tonight.

Let's try it again.

Shout out to the guy we used to always talk to.

Oh, boy, I'm tired.

Fucking shit.

The man hung up on me.

Okay, hold on.

Okay, no problem.

Hold on.

Damn it.

Like American Infido, line one.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, gentlemen, the phone hung up when you called me.

The phone hung up.

Yes.

What happened?

Oh, shit.

Hey, I made a mistake.

I failed to add you to the conference.

I was in the middle of talking to an Iranian, and here you are.

Hey, can you call back?

Can I call back?

Yeah, call back.

Call back.

Thanks.

All right.

Right now he's hung up.

Gentlemen.

Milkman, did he hang up?

Milkman.

I think he did.

He did.

I think he did.

Gentlemen.

Hey.

Teodoro, how are you?

Almost there, mijito.

Estoy bien.

Muchas gracias.

Qué bueno hablar contigo.

Gracias por tanto tiempo.

How are you, man?

How's it been?

Pretty good.

Pretty good?

I'm working in school.

Enjoying, like, having my evenings free for once in a lifetime.

That's good.

You're out of the prank call game.

I just saw you on.

I thought I'd give you a shout-out.

See how you're doing, buddy.

Glad to hear from you, man.

Yeah, I still run the stream, and I grab your new stuff off your blog every once in a while.

Kick-ass.

Well, keep it in gear, man.

Keep doing your thing.

Well, I'm glad you're doing good, man.

Did you not finish your school, then?

You're still doing your thing?

I'm done with school.

Okay.

Did you certify at all, or no?

I was going for my master's degree.

Holy shit, dude.

So I'm done.

That's crazy.

I'm about to get a pretty good job here.

Hopefully, we're seeing.

I got a final interview.

Hopefully, it's going to be out of state.

So this is going to be a big move for me.

I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, you're going to move somewhere?

Yeah, I'm going to move what the Pennsylvania looks like.

Wow, that's like a whole other country.

Well, it might as well be.

Things in Florida are bad, sir.

No good jobs.

Crime is going up in Orlando.

There's nothing going for this place.

There's a lot of it now.

Yeah.

I don't want to talk about this stuff, though.

That's not.

You want to do a prank call, or are you not in sync?

Yeah, I have to warn you, though, I haven't done a prank in who knows how long.

That's fine.

No worries.

I'm about to wrap things up here, but I'm going to connect you through to the motel.

Does that sound good?

Fair?

Even, Steven?

That's fair.

What is it?

Is it Motel 6?

Pecan Grove Motel.

Okay.

Hold on a second.

I'll send you the details, just like we used to back in the day.

You want me to dial zero for you to get to the front desk,

or do you want to try to see if you can find a room that's occupied?

With Motel 6.

I don't know if you can do that with every motel.

Yeah, some you can, some you can't.

Okay, all right, let me get you through to the front desk.

We'll see if we can have fun with that, all right?

Okay.

All right, homeboy, don't go anywhere, everybody.

It's Big Ted.

Sorry for the big part.

That's not true.

Ted's not, he's smaller than me, actually.

All right, don't go anywhere.

Ted-o.

I'm not that small of a man.

How big a boy are you?

Be a good tassel.

Is this in Pawnee County?

Ponte? I don't know what the hell it is.

Ponte, Oklahoma.

Okay, so I'm looking at the right one.

Calling the Pond Grove Motel.

Told you room number of the party you're now.

Station number for 20.

Okay, so three-digit numbers.

Yeah. 108? What the fuck?

Huh?

Don't worry.

What the fuck was that all about?

Don't panic. Hang on. I'll dial him again.

Oh, man, the new Skype sucks balls, man. This sucks.

Have you tried the new Skype yet, Ted? It's ass.

I'm on it.

Yeah, it does.

Nah, I only got the option.

Are we in a... What kind of conference?

I'm not in a conference where I can call out.

Right, it's just you can call out.

If you're on Skype right now, I think you can add somebody.

You've got to click on view and then call phones and all this shit.

Tardy.

Try it again.

For reals.

For reals, yo.

That's just the...

Oh, my God.

Hang on, I'm going to go anywhere.

I might have to...

Do you have the same place?

Yeah, I'm trying to eventually here.

They have cable TV, phones, and queen-size beds.

Holy crap.

It is a balmy 30 degrees Fahrenheit in Pawnee, Oklahoma.

Nice.

Yeah, now my shit's all locked up.

Thank you, Skype.

God, this is like Redneck Central.

I got it.

I fix it now.

Dude, won't you please come on and sit a spell?

How did you find this place?

Holy crap.

Their webpage streams 1995 internet.

It's like when people first got access to AOL and were creating webpages.

That's what this webpage looks like.

Animated gifs, playing text.

Seriously?

They got someone in-house doing that, bro?

You even got that cheesy email mailbox graphic that was all over the place.

Yeah, I don't know.

It tells me if I call it in, it's going to put the current call that you and I are on,

you, me, and Milkman are on, on hold, which is definitely not what I'm trying to do here.

Boy.

I can do anything.

Conversation.

Add people.

That's not going to work.

You got to do view now, apparently.

Ooh, ooh, I got it, I got it.

Oh, it sounds like I put in a phone number.

Yeah, I got it now.

Now it's working.

Shit.

Thank you for calling the Pond Grove Motel.

Do you know the room number of this party here?

Please dial 0 extension number for this fact.

I had 0.

Transfer the call.

Pond Grove?

Yeah, I used to be a janitor at your school.

I was a janitor at the school.

I was a janitor at the museum, you know?

Yeah.

It's about 6 to about 6 o'clock, you know?

Yeah, one time when I was a janitor at the ghost society, you know, down 6th Street?

It's in the toilets.

I think he had some kind of mental disorder.

He happened to be having, like, we was talking a lot about, you know, like, them old big boats during the war.

It was sort of funny because, you know, there was a tour guide saying, oh, you know, look at this frigate over here.

And then just a bunch of water came coming down towards the people.

Because I ran out there with my mop and I was sweeping back and forth, left and right,

pushing all that water back outside, you know.

I mean, that's what I bring to the job.

But right now, we just don't need nobody right now.

Looking at somebody else.

Right now, I got staff.

Yeah, appreciate you calling, though.

No, wait a minute, now.

How many rooms you got, though?

We ain't got but 16 rooms, that's it.

You come for six hours?

I'm saying.

A week?

Yeah, all you got to do is go in and pick up towels, take in and pack out the trash.

Put your goddamn...

You're going to have bed bugs up in there, motherfucker.

You need to clean them goddamn rooms.

Meet me up in there.

Nice talking to you.

Call back or you want to do something else?

Let's see what we got.

I have a feeling he'll pop if we call back.

All right, we're going to call England here.

This is M. Winston.

Thank you very much for entertaining the troops here, sir.

You're doing a great service for your community.

Let's see here.

Call.

Community service that may be given to you if you get caught.

Start calling.

All right, here we go.

Have you heard from Jen lately?

Is she still on the...

Yeah.

She's around.

Hello?

What's this?

Winston.

I'm sorry.

I forgot to tell you correctly.

It was M. Winston.

No, I think you did tell me.

I didn't do the job.

Call back.

All right, we'll call back.

See if they pick up.

She doesn't like...

She's not an old-age pensioner.

Oh, Jesus.

I don't think so.

Welcome to the Sky Voicemail.

Fuck your voicemail.

All I got left, we're going to do one more here, Ted.

You can take us out for the night.

This is the Living Room Cafe.

A Latino in Brooklyn.

A Latino woman answered there.

Know what that means?

Not really.

She makes rice and beans, man.

Come on.

You know what I'm saying?

Look at this.

Now won't let me at it.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is this?

Beats on me.

Living Room Cafe.

Living Room.

Hello, this is Living Room Cafe.

Yes.

My name is Olga.

Olga.

Oh, God, that's a nice, wholesome American name.

What time are you open until?

4 o'clock.

In the morning?

Yes, 4 a.m., from 5 p.m. to 4 a.m.

Oh, that means you're sleeping when everybody else is working,

and you're working when everybody else is sleeping.

I guess so.

Do you have any more questions?

No, why are you being so rude?

Oh, just...

Call your customer, please.

About?

I really don't like the food there, and I just want to make sure he knows.

You what?

Okay.

When did you have it the last time?

Have?

Yes, when and what?

And what?

Basically, I can't remember.

I think it was like a grilled cheese.

I have grilled cheese.

Yeah, you do.

Grilled cheese what?

Grilled cheese sandwich?

Cheese is grilled cheese.

It's a very, I think it's for me, and I had to describe the recipe.

Pieces of bread, and then you just slide some cheese in the middle and let it melt.

It's a delicacy.

What's that have?

Okay, is it a joke or something right now?

Because seriously, like, what's your claim about it?

I have a serious, legitimate claim that the Living Room Cafe and Bistro is incapable of

executing a simple recipe known as grilled cheese.

Okay, so now tell me, when did you order this the last time?

Because we actually don't have this thing on the menu.

And, like, when did you have it?

Did you take it to go?

Were you having it here?

Or, you know what I mean?

Just, you don't tell me the story.

You made early brown cheese.

I think this is a joke.

What's a joke?

She's gone.

All right.

All right, Ted.

You did good.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to be rude.

I got an interview or something-ish kind of thing going on tomorrow at 9.15 in the morning.

Wish me luck.

Oh, shit.

Yes.

This is for the J-O-B we're talking about.

Well, it's for a backup plan for the J-O-B, sir.

You know, if that doesn't go through.

But I'm trying to leave Florida post-haste as quickly as possible.

Fuck.

Milkman wants you to come.

Good luck with that.

Thanks, man.

And thanks for calling in.

I wish I should have gotten a hold of you earlier.

You know, maybe we could have hung out for a little bit.

But Milkman wants you to get a hold of him.

and he's going to IM you some email address to get a hold of him, okay?

Sounds good.

All right, buddy.

Hey, take it easy, man.

Don't be a stranger, my friend.

I can't IM him.

I can't IM him from here, man.

IM him my email address so I can get a hold of him.

The one you sent me?

Okay, I'm going to IM you an email address to email Milkman at, okay?

All right.

He probably has it, but it's this.

Okay, well, he can hear you, Milkman, so it's okay.

I don't have no way to get a hold of him.

Okay.

All right, buddy.

I'll take care of it.

All right, Ted, man, love you like a brother, man.

Take it easy, man.

It's good to hear you.

Glad you're still doing your thing.

Good to hear you, man.

God bless you.

Bye.

Peace.

Bye.

All right, that's Big Ted Webb, everybody.

Milkman, I think it's time.

Yeah.

It's that time.

Take us out of here.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I got them.

Well, kids, it's another night right here in the madhouse.

You can see we had a good evening.

We had some special guest appearances there from the past.

Oh, Webbo.

That's right, Red.

If you don't know about Ted Webb, well, keep on listening,

because he's been a figure in the past, and he'll always be a figure in the future.

Good to be.

I do like to thank you.

That's right.

All our friends right here in the chat room, 98.6 the mouth that I'm logged out of right now,

that's my PC locked up, and I had to restart it.

So, Sir Nunu, thank you so much.

I do want to give a special high-five and hands-fold high to our number 10 man.

That's right

The Lonesome Loser

Thank you so much

And our friends over at the Homo Hotel

I'd like to thank Ken, MSP3 Clay, Tuck

Who else was in there?

Grishnav, Ken, Fitzjud

DX Outlaw

Anybody else I can't remember

Sweet Kisses, oh yeah

And the whole fella gets feeling better

I'd like to thank who else was in there

Everybody else that I can't see in the chat room

Thank you so much

And especially would like to thank you

That's right

Our friends over at Tech Tech Radio, Tech Radio, thank you so much, RBCP and the gang.

Especially you, our listeners, right?

Our beloved friends and audience.

We do this every week just for you.

The most interactive, crazy stylings of the madhouse that you can find anywhere on the internet right here.

That's right.

We drop the dime.

All we ask is that you give us the time, man, and stop by and share a smile with us.

Bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy, and let them in on the insanity that's right here known as the Madhouse every week.

And don't forget to get into our podcast, if you can't make our show, check it out.

I'd also like to thank you, Hermonito, our fearless leader, and Generalissimo of the Madhouse Militia.

We could not have these crazy stylings and insanity known as the Madhouse without you, Hermonito.

Thank you so much, my big brother. We love you, man. Over to you, big guy.

Big deal!

All right, thank you, Milkman.

Yeah, thank you, Milkman, for being on.

Lonesome Loser for sending in numbers, as well as Brendan.

And Ken sent in numbers also.

Looking at you, buddy.

Lonesome always on top of things, of course.

And Nunu, did I send Nunu?

Anybody else send in numbers?

Not that I know of.

I don't know.

Dude, I didn't even get to the request of pranks.

I'm sorry, kids.

I think Fridge Fry sent one in that I didn't even get to.

I'm sorry, homie.

What is that guy?

Hint at prostitution?

Try playing it straight.

Do you care and do your thing?

Yeah, dude, I'm tired.

Frizzfry, look, I'm sorry, man.

I know you sent that in with a lot of love and respect for us.

And I'm sorry that I failed my mission in, you know, calling all the people I promised to call.

When you send in these requests, you're a failure when it comes to that sometimes.

You know, I think I should just end the show now.

Forever and ever.

Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted.

If the show does go on hiatus for a month or two because of a move,

then I'll let you know with ample time.

Don't worry, there'll be plans.

Regardless, I'm still planning on, you know, doing shows here in the interim

on Cacti Radio, madhouselive.com.

Be sure to listen to the phone show on Tuesday nights,

and et cetera, et cetera.

Bitch, we're done.

Thank you, everybody, who tuned in.

We'll catch you here next week.

Placed by AT&T Security and Call Safety Network,

you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

We just came through to check y'all niggas,

you know what I'm saying, to show some love.

I'm saying us niggas don't know how long we're going to be here.

Feel me?

So enjoy this shit and enjoy yourselves.

And then we out of here

I’ve Already Informed Corporate About You

Calls (23, 1 h 27 min of 2 h 31 min)

Transcript

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