When the Bananas Cry

It's the number after 4 and between 6.

7.

3.

It's the number between 2 and 4.

1 is the loneliest number.

4 between 3 and 5.

The loneliest number.

1 is the loneliest number, right?

No problem, buddy.

7, 8, 9.

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

The always.

Fifth and final.

Thank you for asking.

I am Carlito.

By myself.

And this is Madhouse Radio.

radio september the 5th yes i'm still not dead look man will be joining us at the top of the

hour live from working his taxi cab those of you who got to hear that classic carlito prank call

taxi cab before the show just started that is my first official carlito pre-madhouse recorded

prank call that i sent into kdk wow back in 2004 and then we made history thank you everybody who

Who is tuning in, if you want to reach me today on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger to send your requests or your comments and concerns, you can do so.

Madhouse Radio is the screen name to do that at.

Again, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio is my screen name.

Also, be sure to check in the chat room over at madhouselive.com.

The chat, our IRC chat, is integrated there right on the page under the chat section.

you can also visit tiny chat phone losers as tiny chat.com slash phone losers losers phone

assholes phone dickhead asshole loser bitch sons of bitches bisexuals that's okay nothing wrong

with that i am bisexual i'm fabulous all right so uh lonesome loser mia new new mia tuck mia

what the fuck y'all forgot this is a thursday thing y'all forgot already because i almost died

I do.

I am late for my meds.

As a matter of fact, it was supposed to be right at 10 o'clock Eastern.

I've got an injection to do.

Right here.

Injection to do.

Jotun.

You'll see my injection, Jotun.

And I've got another injection here that goes in my arm.

And I've got to do my antibiotic ball.

So you guys get to watch me shoot up live on the air.

I'll probably turn the video off.

That's a little too intrusive.

Son of your fucking business, assholes.

You ever heard of the HIPAA laws?

Health Insurance Professionals Privacy Act of something.

something anyway i do have numbers in the logs here from the years past from once and loser we

get a few places we can call i would like to check in once again with good old charlie charlie over

at the dew drop in we had fun with him uh i turned around pretty quick with the uh um the last

episode we did a show on sunday if you weren't around first return since uh surgery surgery

upon surgery upon surgery three surgeries three surgeries one botched appendectomy one corrective

surgery to appendectomy one eye surgery is my i don't even think my eyes red anymore it was

blood red for like a week and a half still can't see there's a light here that shines and i can

see the light if i go like this i see my fingers finging like i can see color and stuff but it's

just clouded haze out of this eye hell right eye i got about 60 use out of it right now but it's

getting better i found out today i'm gonna have some injections put in both eyes starting next uh

next appointment with the eye doctor in about two weeks.

Plus laser surgery in the eye that I can't see a little bit.

But the good news is they get my wound back disconnected.

I don't have that machine to lug around anymore.

If you were watching last Sunday, I had this big hose coming out of my belly and around my neck,

and I had this vacuum machine about yay big attached to me.

Not anymore.

I'm thinking in about a week, week and a half at the most,

I'll be completely healed up as far as my incision is.

Hopefully be able to return back to work.

Knock on wood.

All right.

See what numbers we got here.

Once again, my main number purveyors are not available.

They're missing.

I don't know.

Did something happen in the UK?

The new news is not around because he's always fucking around.

What the fuck that's about?

I'll keep my eyes peeled for him and shit.

But if you do have numbers to send him, send him in.

Please do so.

Again, we'll join Milkman in a little bit.

We're going to catch up with him, see how he's been during the break.

We've been off the air for the most part since April.

I need to get a call-in number going again.

I'm planning on doing that.

Maybe in the next few weeks, I'll get a call-in number so people can call in like we used to do

and do pranks with us and stuff.

As long as y'all behave and don't make it a big mess,

I'll keep it up.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter.

Madhouse is the show name on Twitter.

And if you're using MSN Messenger,

I failed to mention before,

madhouseatlive.com.

In order to see numbers, it's going to look stupid,

but I actually have to...

My laptop's over this way.

I've got to get right here next to it in order to read.

Excuse me for a second.

I've got to pull the microphone up here.

I'm planning this.

I'm going to plan this right.

I'm going to have to yell.

Let's see what we've got here.

Okay, I got the font really big, so I should be able to read this a little easier.

I got a place called Kick-Ass Mules.

I wonder if literally that's mules for sale or something?

Let's see what we got.

Kick-Ass Mules, we got Wimpy's Liquor.

I remember calling Wimpy's Liquor, that was fun.

Lucky Sully Chimney.

Sockeyes.

Roadhouse Bar.

Double Dragon, I remember I called there, made references to the game.

Double Dragon.

We got some places here, nothing's really jumping out.

Too bad.

Maybe should have just not done the show.

Weak Sauce Tonight from Carlito.

Rib City Grill.

Why the fuck not?

Let's call them Rib City Grill Machine.

Big Grill at American Fork.

This is Christy.

How can I help you?

Hi, Christy.

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah.

Oh, beautiful.

Hey, I had a question.

Do you have baby back ribs, full back ribs, fat back ribs?

We have baby back ribs and we have spare ribs.

Spare ribs.

Do you have full back ribs?

I don't know what full back ribs are.

I'm sorry.

Is there a chef guy there?

I'm a chef.

Oh.

But is there a man?

Yeah, sure.

Sure. Would you like to talk to him?

It might be better that way, yeah.

Okay, hold on.

More appropriate.

Appropriate? How do you say it?

Appropriate.

I learned that word.

Appropriate.

Appropriato.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

What movies? There's been a few movies this song's in.

If I remember correctly, it was in Scarface.

It was in a movie I saw yesterday.

I saw clips of a movie yesterday.

It had this song in it.

At some point, some 80s movie.

Look at that.

Most of us speak Spanish, and so I asked him if he even knew what they were, and he said no.

I speak Spanish.

Okay.

I'm with you.

Spanish.

Yes, I'm happy.

Where are those ribs?

Pickles, Spanish.

Costillas.

Si.

Ribos.

Yeah, ribos.

You have ribos?

Yeah.

How do you make the ribs?

You put them in the grillo?

Yeah.

Grillo the ribos?

Okay.

Okay, do you urinate on the grill at all to make it ready?

You know what?

¿Cuánto tiempo?

¿Urinando?

Sí, ¿cuánto tiempo?

¿Diez minutos?

¿Una orden o...?

Ponga tus nargas en la plancha.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes.

Okay.

Can you say...

What is your question now?

Ponga las nargas en la plancha.

I don't know what that means.

I'm sorry.

He just handed the phone back to me, so I don't see...

Let him know that.

Just ponga las nargas en la plancha.

I'm so sorry to ask, but is this a prank call?

No, no, it's serious.

It's about the way the ribs are made.

The review?

The ribs.

Oh, the way that they're made?

Yeah, he needs to ponga las nargas en la plancha.

They're smoked for 12 hours, and then we cook them for about 8 in sauce in the oven.

So baked in the oven, and then they're grilled with sauce.

Hello, sir?

I can't have the conversation with you.

My wife doesn't allow it.

You don't understand.

My wife won't let me have a conversation with another woman on the phone

because of problems that I've had in the past.

See, women, they tend, you know, to start problems with me in my marriage.

Okay.

One more moment.

Okay.

Hello, ma'am?

Ma'am?

Can you call back tomorrow and speak to our owner?

His name is Ron Jorgensen, and he'll be here from about 8 a.m. until 4 p.m. tomorrow.

I know Jason Jorgensen, but before that, is he in earshot?

Can you just ask him this, and he'll just give you a sí or a no, and then I'll know the proceed or not.

Okay, ask him what?

Ponga las nargas en la plancha.

Ponga en la poncha? No.

En la pancha?

Plancha. Ponga las nargas en la plancha.

Ponga las nargas en la poncha.

Well, he can't talk to Sandy because he can't talk to a woman, he said.

We do have pulled pork fat. We do have pork fat.

Okay.

Is that what you're asking?

what you asked him is if he would put his um his buttocks on the grill smoke the pork and then

we we pull it it smoked but i mean you were asking him his personal um rear end i asked you to ask

him if he put his personal ass on the that's what i said yeah just letting her know i hope she

understands what i meant after all this time milkman wants us to call him hello asshole hey

hey can we call you now okay all right well all right all right thanks bye bye bye thanks a lot

milkman useless the last words of the man who assassinated abraham lincoln were useless literally

that's what he said and then he went msc through clay no idea there was a show weren't you here

sunday i said sunday i said show thursday thursday sunday thursday i realized i forgot the i meant to

hit the record button on ustream and i hit the turn off broadcast so in the beginning of the

show didn't get recorded and i wasn't broadcasting on ustream fuck always something me messing up the

broadcast on the ustream and the record on the ustream always always like always what my dad

would say like always like i always talk can i call you talks out there i think i'm getting sick

man it's the last thing i fucking need is got a cold now yeah ken me too dude mr ken i woke up

and i like i had all this stuff like flimmy stuff in my throat and i was like oh it tastes bad first

thing i did i had to spit in the bathroom in the toilet then i pissed in the toilet and it mixed

with the spit it got all weird looking weird i took a big shit but i flushed the toilet first

i don't like pooping in the toilet after i pee in it because i get scared that

the pee water comes up in my ass here's something i didn't know i was online the other day i'm

honest to god i didn't know if you put toilet paper down in the toilet before you take a shit

that it helps out so you don't splash water up i had no idea because that happens to me all the

time and i hate it especially in a public toilet i usually don't make a shit in a public toilet

because i don't want the toilet the water to splash up and hit me in the ass um sometimes

if it's a dense dense shit in the toilet and then i was reading casually on the internet

surfing the internet casually and someone was talking about um that practice where you put

toilet paper down first then you sit down then you take your pants down you sit down you take

take a shit and that makes it so the water won't splash up usually because of that issue if i do

have to take a shit even here at home i flush the toilet first and then i sit down and take a shit

just in case because i don't want the old water and who knows what's in there to come up and when

i was a kid i was afraid a snake was going to come through the toilet and bite me in the ass i used

to be scared because other than florida there were snakes hey what's going on nothing just here just

Just hanging out.

How you doing?

You know, I'm all right.

How you doing?

I walk in.

Hang on.

Let me finish my message here.

Madhouse-O.

Show-O.

Okay.

Give me a second, Tucker.

Hey, I hear music.

Yeah, I got that working now.

Nice.

Tucker, I'm going to ask you because I can't figure out how to turn your volume down.

Can you bring yourself back from the mic a little?

Turn your mic down a little bit just so it's not plastic.

When I do this, is this better?

Yeah, it's a little better.

Cool, cool.

Okay.

All right.

Perfect.

Thank you.

You can hear the music okay?

sounds good oh yeah it's jammy it's hip-hoppy it's uh loose and uh jazzy and funky it's over

no it was no it's not anymore it'll be a song shortly doesn't do me any good at all

it's clapping now what the hell is this i can't read it rock and roll rock and roll

two years after i'm coming home i don't even know how this got in the mix

whiteboard music we'll play it cool i think this is jimmy hendrix

No, it's three days after.

It's a Woodstock band.

Ah, you would know.

All right, so is Nunu around?

I don't see Nunu or Lonesome Loser.

I saw them in the chat.

Yeah?

Yeah, I saw the name.

Hang on, where is it?

Yeah?

No, no, right there at the top.

That's good, good news.

Yeah, there it is.

You don't see Lonesome Loser, though.

So, yeah, we're kind of shitting in the dark without him.

Yeah, doing my best.

And I have to take long pauses for me to look at the chatroom, guys.

Guys, like I said, because my eyes are still being worked on, I've got to get right to it.

My eyes are still being worked on.

I know.

When I look at you.

I do have to play a prank call so that I can inject my IV, get my IV set up here.

Because I'm about 30 minutes late.

Dear.

And that's not good.

Right.

That's not.

Well, it doesn't sound good.

No, no.

No, my cock will fall off.

All right.

It'll go.

Sorry about that.

Just like that.

Oh, my God.

It almost happened. I caught it one time.

Dude, Tuck, I don't know. Do you watch South Park at all?

I know you like animation and stuff, I think, right?

Do you watch South Park?

I'm really honest with you. I haven't seen South Park in years.

Dude, I don't know why, but I started watching some South Park episodes,

and they made one two years ago where I guess they were talking about their friend got raped,

and we got to report, we got to do something.

We just sat there and watched our friend get raped and this and that, our friend,

and then went to the police and everything.

And it turns out their friend was Indiana Jones, and it was Steven Spielberg and George Lucas that raped Indiana Jones in the last movie that came out in 2008 or 2009.

Ah, right.

But they literally kept showing scenes of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg raping, ass-raping Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford.

Wow.

Indiana Jones.

Oh, my God.

And it's pretty funny

Because what they would do is

They were taking famous rape scenes from movies

Like Boys Don't Cry

And Deliverance

And they were putting

Lucas and Spielberg

And Harrison Ford in it

At the very end

The police raid George Lucas' house

And he's sitting there

And he's like ass-raping a stormtrooper

Nice, of course he is

You should watch it

Of course

Now, have you seen the

that have been leaking out to the DVD

not the DVD, but the Blu-ray of the Star Wars

saga that's been coming out here lately where they've been

making little tweaks and changes in the audio and scenes

Again? Just ass-raping it even more

You haven't seen all that stuff? No, I figured that wouldn't happen

yeah again yeah yeah yeah so so their stuff is being leaked so there's things like uh you know

and uh the end of uh the the most latest one where he turns into darth vader at the end and

he's ah your your your your wife died yeah the baby yeah no yeah so they sort of they sort of

use some Darth Vader nose

at the end of Return of the Jedi

when he's lifting up

the Emperor at the end with the lightning

going on and shoves him

down the hall. So it doesn't sound so

stupid now. It still looks like Frankenstein

though. It still looks retarded.

Yeah, it's never any better.

Now they added the

nose.

No! It's so retarded.

They could have done so much

cool shit with that scene right there.

and it was cool

up until that point

it looked cool

like he comes up

and he's like

you know

and you get to hear

James Earl Jones

you know

voice for the first time

he's like

where's Padme

you know

and you're like

oh yeah

Vader's back

and he's like

seems you have killed her

he's like

no

that's impossible

and then like

and then things start

flying around

like hell yeah

Vader's gonna kick some ass

and he just starts acting

like Frankenstein

like the Frankenstein movie

the black and white

you know when he rips

and he starts walking

it's like ah shit ah shit almost almost had it you know and i guess in the problem there was a

scene that got filmed with yoda where um yoda got left on dagobah and it was like a throwback to et

um where you know et when et landed and the ship left him you know and looks up and light it looked

it was supposed to be just like that yes i i'm guessing that's in there because i was a it was

a deleted scene in the in the dvd of that of uh attack of the not attack what was it called

revenge of the uh revenge of the sith that's the one yes yeah it was it was just a piece of

shit he really just fucking lucas fucking ruined that you know you know what if he would have

waited five years and he you know who he should have i was thinking not too long ago he should

have had jj abrams like direct one of those you know what i mean because like when the first the

first three the original trilogy came out he directed the first one might as well yeah but

He didn't really know J.J. Abrams.

He waited five more years, he could have.

Yeah, can you imagine if one of those movies was directed by J.J. Abrams?

It would have done a good job, you know?

Sure, like it did in Star Trek.

Star Trek was, I love that new Star Trek movie.

Yeah, everyone loves it.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, it's awesome.

But yeah, Lucas, he let someone else direct Empire Strikes Back, right?

Some guy with a beard directed it, and Return of the Jedi.

And he did a fine job.

Empire Strikes Back was the best one of all those

and he didn't

he had to have control over those three

it seemed to me like lost

speaking of J.J. Abrams

it seemed rushed at the end

it's like all these plot holes

it's kind of like ah shit

throw this around here

you know it's bullshit

that Phantom Menace should have been an animated one

I think and they should have started out right

I'm getting too far into it

anyway I started my IV ball here

this is the elastomeric ball

all this will take two hours to drain into my arm if you're looking at it here on camera oh it's got

my last name on there let's not put that on this side um yeah it'll it'll it's filled with liquid

and antibiotics and over the next two hours this will and it works like those you know iv machines

that you have in the hospital that slowly drip it's the same thing but instead of having a big

machine on me it's just a christmas ornament size ball yeah okay well you'll be doing that i'll go

I'll go find the link to that Star Wars news.

Yes.

The new...

No!

Wasn't there the Chinese bootleg version?

They didn't have something funny?

Chinese bootleg version?

No, I don't know anything about that.

When it first came out,

there was a Chinese bootleg version cam of the movie,

and it still had the lettering on the bottom or whatever.

They had transcribed the...

Oh, shit.

They had the...

I'm talking about the lettering on the bottom.

Oh, the text.

The Mandian script or whatever.

Yeah, the script of it, yeah, on the bottom.

And instead of no, it says something really funny.

I'm trying to remember what it was.

It was some stupid line.

Oh, it's translated weird.

It was like angst or something.

I forgot.

Someone out there in the chat room must know.

It's funny.

It didn't say no.

It was like angst.

I think it was some big Star Wars nerdy people probably today.

Yeah, yeah, bigger than me because I'm pretty big.

The one bigger than me, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, Tuck, you got to go because I was going to ask you about DC Comics.

I was watching CNN today.

Something big about DC Comics?

Yes, the relaunch.

The reboot.

The relaunch.

The 52, yeah.

Is it a permanent thing or just a stupid side thing?

No, this is it.

Everything is going to number one.

All the books that are launching this month are starting at number one.

Really?

Wow.

Everything is going back.

It's relaunched back to number one.

Here's why.

okay prince is super fucking expensive right prince of course oh my god yeah

oh yeah yeah yeah and who who wants that the wave of the future is you know the ipads the the the

the tablets the digital ipads you say comiXology and all that right so what they so what the whole

thing was, okay, we're

going to launch everything

number one, brand new

on the iPrint

with the idea

okay, this is number one

and as the future goes

print can start phasing out.

The comics, printed comics

can be phasing out and so all we

are worrying about is digital.

This is the way it's going. This is the way

DC has said

this is the next wave future

of comics. Well, it's true.

True. I mean, look at the way the book industry is.

E-books, e-books, e-books, you know?

Amazon and e-books and Kindles.

Exactly.

So this is their step into the next 21st century of comics

by doing it this way now.

Well, that's smart.

But they're also redoing backstories

and they're redoing stuff.

when you get to reboot

you get to play around with your

shit again and piss a lot of people off

it's just all part of the game

it's happening

so are they messing with Batman and Superman

or just some of the shittier ones

well i mean they're missing with everybody you're missing everything of course they are

because they get to oh we get to play in the sandbox again so superman of course i'm gonna

fuck shit up can they should make a black batman they should make a black batman might as well have

yeah call them black bats they didn't they kept here all they really did uh i mean um you know

tweak a few things here and there that you wouldn't notice if you weren't reading all the fucking

enzyme up to this point okay um but if you see like like like superman's red trunks are gone

what for example yeah i don't know see oh oh no oh yeah oh no pass to me uh superman it's okay

it's okay i'll no that's cool oh but as a matter of fact though uh as there was a

but no no no there's a there was a sneak picture uh release of the new batman movie a few weeks

weeks ago and they made a note no no red trunks no red uh pants on him actually he still has the

superman symbol the the red ass you know whatever the big ass on the chest yes but symbol and he's

the cape and all that they just twigged yeah they just they made it look more like a little armor

kind of things instead of you know and they just got rid of that yeah the red trunk yeah the new

superman is uh is jesus jim cavazio see kazeeville that guy the guy that played jesus in uh passion

of the christ what are you talking about oh is this in the new in the new movie that's filming

now the 300 guy did was he in 300 oh well he's directing it yeah he's directing yeah yeah yeah

and that's gonna be awesome he directed 300 uh um what's the other one dark man no what was it

the other comic book one where they were in vietnam oh fuck i just saw it too oh shit yeah

you know i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah it's in city no is it since city's one of them

No, he did half of Sin City.

No, no, no.

He did bits of it.

You're talking about...

Yeah, I'm thinking...

The Watchmen.

Watchmen.

I said Darkmen.

That's it.

Watchmen.

Right, right, right.

Because the Darkmen was in the 80s.

Yeah, Darkmen sucked.

That was like in the 90s, wasn't it?

Or something like that?

You know what I said the other day was Phantom.

Remember the Phantom?

That sucked.

The...

Oh, God, yeah.

It was purple.

Something was purple.

I don't know.

Yeah.

They need to make a Tick movie.

And I was talking to RBCP about this the other day.

We need a new Short Circuit.

There needs to be a reboot of the Short Circuit franchise, dude.

Yeah.

They really...

Yeah.

It's time, man.

And the Robocop one we talked about for years on the show, it's in production hell.

It's called WALL-E.

WALL-E?

No, that's not Short Circuit.

He doesn't even talk.

Johnny Five has to be alive.

That's just my Short Circuit.

Bullshit.

shit fuck that's good go compare the two sides i want johnny five is alive and the indian guy

that could have that kumar guy i sent you the link in the uh gtalk today yes okay good thank

you good work all right hey we had to prank calls for a new new starts

probably i did my drugs i did my meds here so we can continue all right let me get a number here

tug you had to go do something was it go ahead and do it i'll be here

Or the microphone go out

Shit

Usually my ear

Fuck

Yeah, Rise of Plymouth was good

Uh, yes, I saw that

Um, and my, um

I downloaded it

Yeah, it was pretty good

Alright, we'll be right back with the next prank of the night

Just a moment, folks

RBCP confirming

I don't know if that's for real

but

oh yeah

look at that

short circuit

2013

there you go

there we go

if we make it

yeah hi

I wanted to know

what I have to do

if there's some kind of

license I need to get

in order to give out

those papers

papers

is it the papers

about the papers right

right yeah okay thank you this is ken am i up here ken hi listen uh first of all your wd-40

would go in very well on some of those doors down there okay okay all right second of all

i had a question do you have to pay for a license to give out papers to give out papers yes i want

to give papers out there that you'd probably want to call the city on i'm not sure no see what i like

What I like to do is I like to put papers on the cars and give them to people there in the store.

Yeah, like I said, that would probably be something you'd want to check with the city

because if anybody requires a license, it would be issued by the city anyway.

No, no, they don't care.

I already talked to the city.

They said it's up to the owner of the private property.

Okay, it should be okay then, I guess.

You're not going to complain if I put papers in the cars?

I'm not, as long as the customers don't.

The grocery carts, too?

Probably not the carts.

Okay, I had this idea.

I printed a mass amount of these.

they're like small little newspapers they're just a fold you know like a little pamphlet

they're newspaper paper you know like they kind of light i got about eight big stacks of them and

what i do sometimes i go to walmart uh parking lot or the mall parking lot and i start at one

end of the parking lot and i have them stacked in the trunk and i start going about 20 miles an hour

through the parking lot and i hit the button for the trunk and they you know the trunk flap comes

comes up and all the papers start flying out and they spread over and they get on the cars and they

get in the sides and then the doors and around the floor and outside and do you have grass media in

there hello i'm not really certain that's gonna be such a good idea some people might complain

about littering and that sort of thing i mean how often do you have the parking lot there clean with

a machine not very often oh well i just want i'm gonna drive down they're gonna let all those

Those papers fly everywhere, okay?

And then what I wanted to do is that I'm going to give you a stack of maybe about,

I'm thinking maybe about 1,000 of these for the weekend.

And then if you could have your grocers and all that, your people.

We're not going to do that.

No, you put one inside every bag, you know, at the bottom of the bag.

Do you know how you put the grocers inside the bag?

Right, but you'll have to touch back.

You have to talk with the store director in order to do that.

I can't authorize people on other shifts or night shifts or anything like that to hand out printed media for somebody else.

Well, here's what you do.

You take the paper, and you put it on the bottom of the bag.

Then you put all this stuff on top of it, and you build walls.

That I can't do without authorization from the store director, and you'd have to talk to him about that.

So right now it's just you in charge, right?

It's me.

I'm actually the assistant because the actual night manager is on a forklift right now, and he's going to tell you the same thing.

you'd have to get

your permission

from Matt Kempson

the store director

for any of our people

to hand out anything

well maybe a deal

maybe to me

you know like now

you know maybe

just a night deal

and I come at night

and we put these things

I have my own people

come and do the groceries

then

now close your store

and then you gotta

close the store then

we'll talk with you later

no close the store

I want you to close the store

Tucker you back

yeah hey

seriously you need

some WD-40 in that door

man I heard that

it's like

well done

i do creep around i don't what i did i have a lot to do amd are you getting an echo if you're

getting an echo mute mute the u-stream audio if you're on that page yes you probably got one both

of those on right you know mute one or the other if you're on that big chat page what you do is

you hit the mute button on the video feed you don't need the u-stream audio anyway no no you

I wish there was a way.

There's not a way for me to set that so it's muted by default on the page, that widget.

If I could, that would be perfect, but I can't.

There's a big note on there that says if you hear double audio, click here to mute.

You know people don't read.

You know people don't follow instructions.

No, they just look at pictures.

I'll point.

Maybe if you put it in Spanish as well.

I'm pointing down here.

By a legal way.

You mute somewhere down here.

It's down here.

Go right there.

There you go.

Okay.

Got it?

Alright.

So this song, is this that guy?

Who's the guy that Dave TV, that Billy Mirro's always imitating?

The one voice that he does?

Look out, babe, I'm coming to get you.

What?

Dave?

Dave.

You know what I'm talking about?

He was in Van Halen, wasn't he?

This isn't Van Halen at all.

Yeah, but the guy, you know?

It sounds like him.

David Lee Roth.

Yes!

David Lee Roth.

Ten years after.

This is like 1960s.

David Lee Roth isn't from the 50s?

What are you talking about?

Now, David Lee Roth was Van Halen in the 70s.

Ten years after was a rock and roll indie band in the 60s.

I don't know how this song got in the mix.

It went from hip-hop to...

Mail Command must have leaked it to you.

Yeah, man, let me take over the music.

That's how I can really...

That's my own theory.

I'm sure you said to me,

you got to watch this and make sure...

Yeah, I know that song.

Let's play this.

All right, more pranks.

Let's get a number here.

Lonesome Loser's here.

Lonesome Loser lucked out.

He got the number one pick in the Madhouse Radio Fantasy Football League draft.

Drafting Adrian Peterson with the first pick.

A little ball game going on.

We did our draft.

We got our teams.

Okay.

Who's in there?

Anyone win yet?

Anyway, any...

Well, the season hasn't started yet.

No.

Season starts on September 8th.

Oh, so when's the first hockey match?

The first hockey match.

You wouldn't know about hockey.

You're in Tennessee, man.

No hockey there.

Tennessee, Kentucky.

Is your guy good at running the bases?

Running the bases?

Oh, man.

Does he make good free throws in the football game?

Oh, wow, Tuck.

It's sad.

No, I got a pretty good team.

Right now it's me, Lonesome Loser, Big Fat Evil Artie, Andy.

Yeah, who else is there?

We got a few listeners.

A friend of mine from Orlando and his friend.

We got a nice league going.

Did I say Lonesome?

That's about it

We got a decent league going

And we're going to have fun this season

Football

Which I think is real

That's the true American pastime

If you go by the numbers

As what makes money

I don't know why they call baseball the American pastime

Fake football leagues

That's what it is

Fantasy football leagues

That is the new American pastime

Hey I got the rubber boob

Remember from the holidays

Fake rubber boob

I found it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Milkman keeps saying, man, you got to get me one of those fake boobs, man.

You want one of those fake titties.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Hang on, folks.

Another prank, as I said.

Let me play a song here and get my ass close to the thing.

Hello, Dr. Matthew.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay, go ahead, sir.

One order of house fried rice.

House fried rice, yes.

The house fried rice where you put it in the pot with the rice and you add the water and it boils.

Yeah, whatever I cook.

No, listen.

You cook?

Mm-hmm.

You cook and put the water too?

No, I know how to cook, yeah.

I'm telling you how to do your job.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

You put soy sauce and onions.

And then you cook.

And you put vegetables in it, okay?

And you take the egg, and you break the egg, and you beat the egg with a fork.

Hello?

Please?

Sir?

Talk, say something.

Music.

That's their thing.

They play music.

Maybe this relaxes them.

I need no man.

Nice song.

I need a minimum of food.

That's the music you hear when you go to the asian massage parlor and you know, they give you yes

Very very relaxed. Yeah, very very relaxed. Give you a little

You relax now $20 I take off clothes 20 more dollar I give you a massage

Make banana cry. Okay, would you like make banana cry?

Make a banana cry. Oh, I get it. Ew, man. Yeah, that took me a while to understand. That's kind of gross

Where'd you learn that from, Tuck?

Shame on you.

I can't tell you.

That was just good.

It's dirty.

Banana cry.

I wake up with a banana cry.

...agency located at 100...

The store is currently closed, but we will...

Shit!

...open tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

Boo!

...for a message...

Whole Foods.

You got Whole Foods in Tennessee?

I know you don't have any Whole...

Maybe in Memphis.

What?

You got Whole Foods over there where you live?

Maybe Memphis, but Whole Foods?

Yeah.

You want to pay 40% more on your groceries?

Go to Whole Foods.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Get sick off of the flu.

You should flu after you eat Whole Foods.

Gosh.

What?

What's that about?

Is that like one of those banana cry things we were talking about?

No.

I'll just get sick after you eat Whole Foods.

You do?

Don't know why.

We're in Memphis.

Ew.

Whole Foods is in downtown Memphis?

Yes.

He's got the flu.

You buy the flu.

Enjoy your flu

I can't wait for Christmas time

Why Christmas time?

Because

It's not Christmas

It's probably Easter

My house

Because the best prank calls

Happen in the holidays

In the show

You know we get Thanksgiving

That's true

It all starts with

That Thanksgiving show man

Every Thanksgiving

We have a good show

Well that's when

All the conferences

Start happening

You know the hotel

Fiascos

And conferences

I think

Conference season is now

Nunu will tell you

Oh

Looks like May. We're in the middle of it now, I think.

There's always a conference going on. Ask Nunu.

There's always a conference going on.

We missed all the good ones.

We're on the air.

We're gone. We missed the clown conference, the midget conference happened.

We missed that.

Damn it, you and your illness, Carlouche.

Me and my shit.

First conference, that'd be cool.

First conference? Imagine what we're going to do with that.

Nunu confirming conference season is the summer.

Wrong again, asshole.

Stupid talk, stupid shit. What'd you learn?

What's wrong with you, dude?

I'm so stupid.

You'll never be Milkman Tuck.

Never.

I know.

I don't.

It's Spire.

Oh, you're ass-piring.

I had a friend who used to drive a Ford to Spire.

I used to tell him that car Spire's would be a car.

Good evening, Super Saver Edgewood.

Hey!

Can I help you?

Hi, how you doing?

Fine.

Good.

Listen, I've got about 3,500 or so of these two-page newspaper pamphlets.

Okay?

You understand?

No.

You know what a paper is?

Yeah.

Okay.

I've got a lot of them.

And I wanted to see about putting them on cars on the windshields there.

For what?

For promotion.

Okay.

Well, just a minute.

Let me give you to my manager.

Okay.

No further than the Super Saver Produce Department, where you will find the perfect treats for your family.

Fresh, healthy, and bursting with flavor.

Pack some fresh strawberries in your little one's lunchbox, or grill some bananas for a rich dinner dessert.

Bananas.

How about a bunch of less succulent Colorado peaches as a mid-morning pick-me-up?

Wow.

Because possibilities are endless.

I bet they are.

This is the Super Saver produce section, your number one spot for finding snacks that are both good and good for you.

Wow, I'll get a heart on some.

Super Saving at Super Saver. We sell for less.

I still can't get over the idea of a banana crying. It's very sick, man.

Because that's exactly how banana tears would look like, probably.

Wow.

Say goodbye.

But I will, I will, I will

This is Ken, how may I help you?

Hey Big Ken, how you doing?

I'm alright

Alright, listen, I'm glad you're a male

I have got about 3,500 of these papers here

And I wanted to see about maybe putting them on some windshields there

Without any trouble

You know, I want to keep it on real

Which with me and you

I don't want you to come down there

And see all these papers in the parking lot and get upset

Now if I put papers on the windshields

Is that okay?

Me and you okay, man to man?

You're not going to get mad at me?

I'm okay with it as long as I don't get customer compliance.

Okay, well, so it depends on what the content of it is?

Well, it's going to depend on the customer.

If I've got customers coming back and complaining about papers and flyers

and all kinds of stuff getting put on their cars, then, yeah, that's going to be an issue.

Well, the way I do it, I fill my trunk up with the papers,

and I go about 20, 25 miles an hour through the parking lot,

and then I hit the switch on the button for the trunk to go flying open,

and then the papers go everywhere.

So it gets on the cars, underneath the cars.

They fly over to the front door.

That would be considered littering, and you can't do that.

I checked with the city, and they said it's private property,

so it wouldn't be littering.

It would be your problem.

That's why I was making sure I called you before.

No.

Well, I figured I'd call Pat.

I mean, I'm going to do it no matter what,

but I figured I'd pass it by you first and give you a chance to accept or not.

Because if not, then I ain't paying for this.

That's up to you.

Okay.

Okay. Now, what about, instead of putting them out there, can I bring them in and people take them?

That you'd need store director approval on, and you'd have to talk with the store director tomorrow to get authorization for that.

Are you 24 hours there?

Yep.

All right. What if I just maybe leave them around the store?

No.

Like tonight, you know.

Without the authorization of the store director, anything other than that would be considered littering.

Then we have a problem then, because I kind of left some already there.

Can I get those back?

You ought to come and get them.

Well, can you round them up for me?

I've got other things I've got to get done.

Listen, I put some in the ice cream area in the freezer.

There's some there.

There's some in the men's bathroom.

I put a stack of them in front of the butcher block, the candy aisle.

Let me see here where else I put some.

Produce.

You know where the bananas are?

Okay, I put some under the bananas.

So they wouldn't be found immediately.

It would take a few days, and then after some time, they'd come up.

And also by the front door, there's some on the floor.

God damn it.

What was his name?

Big Ken.

He's calling back.

This show's going nowhere fast.

Shit show.

Good evening, Super Saver Edgewood.

This is Deb.

How may I help you?

Hi, Big Deb.

Ken told me to give him a call.

Okay, just a minute.

I'm here.

Saturday, for the grilling event of the season,

Super Saver will be firing up the grill on Saturday, September 3rd,

to celebrate Labor Day

and the beginning of the Nebraska football season.

We'll be selling Kretschmore Barbecue Pulled Pork, hot off the grill, for just $4.98 a pound.

Don't miss out on this opportunity.

Pick up some fresh barbecue pulled pork, hot off the grill, and make your Labor Day and Game Day a success.

Thank you for saving at Super Saver.

We sell for less.

This is Ken Ham. I help you.

Hey, Ken. Something happened with the phone.

Yeah.

Okay.

You think you can round those up for me?

Do me a huge favor, guy.

If I see them, I'll pick them up, but I've got other things I need to get done tonight.

Send them, at least, you know, did you write down where I told you they are?

I'm trying to unload a freight truck right now, and, yeah, I've got things I need to get done.

Oh, it's a freight truck.

What's that, produce?

Yeah, it's a little bit of everything.

It comes up from Kansas City.

We get one six nights a week.

Oh, well, that can wait a little bit.

Is there any perishable items on it?

Oh, yeah.

Like what?

Fresh-cut flowers.

Flowers, I got produce, dairy items.

That can wait, that can wait.

What kind of milk is it?

The milk comes in on a different truck, but it's like cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt.

That's dairy.

It's also frozen product.

Frozen product, so that's important.

Yeah, you can't leave that out for too long.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Nope.

So what do we do?

I don't know.

I mean, I got my problem.

You got to fix this.

I need these papers back.

You need papers back and come get them.

I got things I got to do.

I got to give out these papers in the other stores.

I got three guys out there right now doing rounds.

I mean, and here you are, you're refusing service, so I understand.

Like, I'm looking at your company website, and it says here that you're supposed to go the extra mile.

It says here in your mission statement, right?

Product in the store, yes.

Well, it says customer service, though.

You pick up something that you left in here without our knowledge is not considered customer service.

It's customer service.

I am a customer, and this is service for the customer.

That's our product.

Then why do you have trash all over the store, then?

I got to get to work.

You have trash papers all over the store.

I'm reporting this.

Okay, fine.

I gotta go to work.

Clean your trash.

Shit.

Let's get to work, man.

Thanks, Tom.

Okay, gotta go to work.

Nunu sent the number, Nunu.

Okay.

Come on here, I can tell you.

Nunu says, you need to take more of these pranks where you ask how long it takes until

the food goes into the toilet.

Oh, that's from yesterday.

Anyway.

Sylvia Roberts' cell phone.

A lady who seems talkative.

She is a retired teacher, University of Maine, class of 19-something.

lives somewhere okay what's her deal i got her facebook page looks like some old lady all right

we can do that sure new new let's do that what time is it can we in the show yet no i'm like

howard stern i've been on vacation for months and i really don't want this complaint does he even do

new shows anymore i don't fucking care yeah he's been off for like three weeks now fuck son of a

bitch you know i found out he's got a deal where he only has to do 100 shows a year now 100 don't

think about that 100 shows a year and they don't have to be good either well how many weeks are in

the year there's 52 weeks in a year so that means he can do two shows a week i mean he does three

shows a week dude three he does he does monday tuesday wednesday he doesn't do shows on thursday

or friday anymore and he can't i canceled

Howard TV this week because it is bullshit.

Yeah, I'm paying that extra $10 a month for what?

They don't do anything anymore.

No.

Wentz already stabbed himself.

The shows?

Yeah, it is.

And already wanted to come back.

He was saying he wanted to come back.

while i was gone no they said no yeah he said i'll do anything on you know but it looks like

already was getting that dude he was gonna get a sports show and looks like that fell through too

him and nick was it nick topalo and him no nick topalo i don't i don't know nick topalo's dead

wrong guy him and someone else this is not nick topalo is nick topalo dead i don't know

who's the guy that killed himself last year one of the roasters oh oh did he kill himself uh uh

greg giraldo greg giraldo yeah i didn't know he killed himself well it was an overdose or

something maybe something like that supposedly amy whitehouse did not have drugs in her system

when she died i hear well you know when you uh uh when your body is used to to all the medicine

and the medicine's gone and the the body shuts down yeah that's true well it just it takes a

toll on you man i mean come on the damage was done look at arnold schwarzenegger he was like

Like, you know, super strong, Mr. Olympia or Universe or whatever a whole bunch of times

and ended up with heart attacks and shit in his later years.

He did so much damage to his body.

Toxics.

And there's roids and shit.

Yeah.

And you're Mr. Oh, marijuana's the cure.

Wait until they find out what it does.

Gives you dick cancer.

Well, in this case, what?

The roids.

Oh, my dick.

I love my dick.

I feel so good to touch it.

Call it anyway.

No.

It better be good.

You need the number so it probably won't go anywhere.

It's still ringing.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Sylvia Roberts is...

Thank you, Nunu.

All right, I forgot Lonesome's here.

He's probably sending in numbers.

I'm calling old numbers of Lonesome's, and he's probably confirming a word.

Yeah, he is.

Oh, and the font is small.

Shit.

Cockadoodle Restaurant.

Cajun Cowboy Hotel.

And the Prairie something 2.

All right, we'll call those.

If you're using, like, an IRC client, you can tweak that font up big.

Well, I did.

I thought I did, but it just did the main page.

It didn't do the windows.

And I got to go back in and do it again, and that's a whole mess.

Fucking internet.

Anyway, I got to pee, and I got something to drink.

So I'm going to take, like, a five-minute break or so.

I'll be back, and we'll do some more pranks.

I'm sorry.

I'll be more animated.

I'll be more excited.

I don't know what's going on right now.

I'm losing the gas.

We'll be back.

You know, maybe Milkman will join us in a little bit.

Tuck will stay on here.

If anything, unless we've got to talk, we can laugh at him.

Yeah.

You want to send in your requests like Nunu did?

Yeah.

You can go to highbodies.com and look at the funny little comics and see what we can back.

See, Tuck, you're the pioneer, man.

DC's following your lead, man.

Internet comic books, man.

Ain't following my lead.

So what happens to Marvel?

I heard, isn't there a black Superman now?

Isn't there a bisexual black mulatto Spider-Man, I mean?

I don't know.

Maybe it could be.

We'll see.

I saw that.

That Spider-Man was black now and gay.

I saw that on the internet, too.

Don't tell me that's not true.

Didn't Superman say he was renouncing his American citizenship, too, or something?

I was gone.

Oh, my God.

The comic book world is out of control.

I'm talking.

Yeah, Superman's not American anymore.

He doesn't wear red pants.

Fuck, next thing you know, he's going to be fighting a giant spider.

Shit.

Kevin Smith warned us.

All right, we'll be right back in about five minutes.

Pray for Carlito.

He'll be funny when he comes back.

Check out HiBuddies for the feds.

Shut it down.

Visit us online at MadHouseLive.com.

MadHouse Radio will be back right after this.

Lord, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box at a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight to hell.

MadHouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I'm gonna do that with Mike

Alrighty

Yeah, buddy

Brennan sent in a number.

Nunu sent in a number.

Lonesome Loser sent in a few more numbers.

Let's do it.

Real quick before we do the pranks, I wanted to mention.

This is a good question for you.

Let's try to call Milkman.

See if we can call Milkman.

And I want to tell you now, when we call Milkman, you got to know how it is with Milkman.

It's a special case.

I hate it when he does that.

It's so annoying.

Let's try it one more time.

I hate people that do that with their voicemail.

At least with the generic one, it says, no, it's not him.

See?

Milkman, Carlito calling you.

Call me.

You call me.

I call you.

We call each other.

Call, call, call.

He called here.

He called the cell.

It didn't ring for some reason.

I missed it at some point.

Way cool.

Anyway, what I was getting at.

Yeah, dude.

He didn't answer when he was ready.

Do you have Friendly's over there where you live?

Ever been to a Friendly's before?

In where?

Friendly's over there where you live.

Have you noticed their Friendly's restaurant anywhere where you are?

Do you go to Friendly's?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, man.

Tell your son.

I've never been there before, but someone's calling in.

I've never been to Friendly's before.

Athena called me.

She's like, I'm at Friendly's, you know, with the nephews.

Do you want to bring home dinner?

And I was like, all right, yeah, sure.

So then I was like, I don't know what I want.

I've never been there before.

So she was reading the menu out, and I wanted something simple.

She said, oh, well, here's something you might want.

You want something simple.

For example, this is a grilled cheeseburger.

I'm like, all right, sure, that works.

Cheeseburger.

I'm thinking grilled cheeseburgers, you know, just, you know, cheeseburger on the grill, right?

You know, burger grilled.

Hell, dude, you know what it was?

It literally is a cheeseburger in between two grilled cheese sandwiches.

I'm not kidding you.

Grilled cheeseburger.

Wow.

Literally, like, two grilled cheese sandwiches, and they put a burger patty with lettuce and tomato and mayo and onion in it, in the middle of these.

Oh, dude.

I just ate.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Dude, I just ate it now.

I was like, I'm going to eat my burger.

I'm like, oh, my God.

It's like three sandwiches in one.

Oh, dude, I ate it.

And I almost choked eating it.

I ate it so fast.

It was cold.

You know, I didn't even have time to microwave it.

Oh, man.

Still got it in my teeth.

Oh, good.

I'm having that again.

I might do it more.

Grilled cheese burger.

Go out there and get it pressed next time.

It isn't a grilled cheese burger.

It's a grilled cheese burger.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm with you.

Let's see you Europeans do that.

Nah!

All right, let's call Lonesome Numbers here real quick.

We'll also do Brendan's.

We're starting with Cock-A-Doodle.

And I fixed the font so I can see Lonesome's number.

Congratulations.

Cock-A-Doodle?

Hey, good.

Do you have chicken there?

Okay.

Fried or baked or grilled?

We have deep fried chicken.

Deep fried chicken?

Uh-huh.

What you do is you take...

We also have chicken breast.

What you do is you take the chicken, and do you bread it?

Hello?

You take the chicken, and you put the breading on it, and you put it in the fryer with the oil, the hot oil, right?

And you put it down, and it gets all crispy until it's cooked, right?

And you take it out with a basket.

Want to order some chicken?

Yeah, but I'm just confirming this, though.

And that's when you take it out of the fryer in a basket, and you put it, what do you put it in a box?

Damn it.

The kitchen is closed for tonight.

But listen, what you do, you put it in a box, or how do you serve it?

We serve it on a plate.

You put it on a plate, and the sides are like what, mashed potatoes, or what are the sides?

And vegetables, all right.

So then you eat the chicken, you put it in your mouth, you chew it, and you swallow it,

and it goes down your esophagus, and it goes into your stomach, and the acids break it down.

I'm going somewhere with this, folks.

I'm going to try to call back and get this straightened out here.

Well, as long as you know where it's going.

I know where it ends up.

Uh-oh.

You're about to see.

Yeah, hi, about the chicken, right?

Hello?

Hello, ma'am?

Yeah, chicken?

Huh?

Chicken.

Chicken?

Yeah.

Okay, when you eat the chicken, it goes in the stomach, and it goes to the intestines,

and it becomes feces, and it accumulates in the colon.

Yeah.

Okay, and after some time, when there's enough accumulation of feces in the colon,

then the sphincter muscles send a signal to the brain to let you know that you need to evacuate your bowels.

Yeah.

Okay, then you go to the bathroom, and you pull on your pants.

Huh?

He's not listening.

I've got to explain this to him.

I don't understand.

I mean, I've got to make...

You're just yap, yap, yap, telling him a story.

He doesn't have time.

What did he say?

What did he say anyway?

I was just like, yep.

Yep, yep.

You're just yap, yap, yap, but no one's listening.

He's a busy guy.

You're telling a story.

He doesn't...

Jack.

Yeah, listen.

And you sit on the toilet.

You take a big shit in the toilet.

You know what?

So why don't you call somebody else?

Well, you have to eat chicken.

Damn it.

You didn't know.

The whole time we knew.

Get a life.

Look, don't waste my time and yours if you know the story already.

Hey, asshole, you're calling us.

If you know how the process is, then why didn't you stop me and tell me a long time ago?

I didn't call you.

You called here.

Well.

You're alive.

I'm trying to make an order.

Listen, it's time.

Keep harassing all the authorities.

Shut it down.

What's my number?

Come have dinner.

But other than that, don't be a perv.

Shut it down.

What's my number?

I'm trying to make an order.

I command you to give me my number.

All right.

So take your pick.

Give me your number.

Give me my number.

Your number?

Yeah, if you're so smart, what's my stupid number?

Dude.

This is Cadoodle.

What's the number?

No, my number.

You said you had my number.

Yeah.

I'll call you back in two minutes.

I work for the police department, and you'll have your number in two minutes.

What's your...

You want my badge number?

Yeah, what's your badge number?

It's 3-48.

Call me.

Ask for my badge number, and we'll go from there.

What is it?

What's the badge number?

So if you want to run it, we'll run it.

What's the badge number?

Other than that, other than that...

What's the badge number?

I need to run your badge number.

How does a cook have a police badge?

I need your badge number so I can run it, please.

I already gave it to you.

I just did.

Fifty-three-forty-eight.

It's not coming up.

My last name is Gonzales.

Officer Gonzales.

Yeah, right.

There's a cop named Gonzales.

How does a cook have a badge?

How does a cook...

How does a...

Gonzales have a badge?

I'm not Albert.

This is...

This is Officer Gonzales.

He's Anthony Gonzales.

Sure you are.

Fifty-three-forty-eight.

You guys...

You know what's weird about you two?

No.

You guys are...

Two of you guys are talking on the phone.

Are you guys, like...

What's going on?

We're bisexual.

Whoa.

It's technology.

Guess what?

It's 2011.

I'm sorry.

It's 2011.

That's number 5348, Officer Gonzalez.

You said 5438 a second ago.

5348.

5438.

I can't understand it.

53.

5348.

Let me do it in easier terms.

5 is the number after 4 and between 6.

3 is the number between 2 and 4.

1 is the low-maintenance number.

4 between 3 and 5.

The loneliest number.

One is the loneliest number, right?

No problem, buddy.

Seven, eight, nine.

We'll talk to you in a little bit.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

Okay.

He's calling us back, Tuck.

Get ready for that, okay?

Oh, God.

He's going to trace us.

I'm panicking.

I know what to do.

I'm cold sweats.

Cold sweats.

Oh, man.

Dude, I got to do morphine molast surgery.

It was pretty fun.

Oh, man.

Morphine is cool.

Oh, you have no idea.

I felt it going through my veins and stuff.

Yeah, you've been living that here

for six months.

Oh boy, get ready.

Day two.

You're a happy birthday.

Get him back for copyright violation.

Yeah, you don't have permission

to play that song.

I don't have permission.

It's an actual thing.

It's an actual happy birthday in a restaurant.

Did you pay ASCAP royalty fees for that?

No, ASCAP royalties. Exactly, yes.

Asshole.

you have to have that clap clap clappy song the clap clap clappy song happy happy birthday

that shitty one yeah oh man just let them sing happy birthday man don't you hate you go to a

place and yeah they do that you know where they can't sing happy birthday they have the retarded

song that's what i mean yeah yeah some old friends of mine we used to think it was funny

we go to restaurants and we say oh yeah it's my friend's birthday so they come on sing

And one time they asked us for his ID

And it got embarrassing

Well you used to be able to get like free dessert and stuff

Not anymore

Too many Puerto Ricans say

It's my birthday

There we go

Shit

I am the problem

problem it's been two minutes i'm waiting not yet all righty anyway so i did i i know on uh

the show i did in may or rbcp called i didn't give the story how um i was on a morphine drip

and i uh when i started coming off of it i i had a nightmare that i had a horse head

and i heard voices talking to me telling me it wasn't human and i woke up screaming who am i

so you're a horse i don't know what i was i was just a horse head i don't know what it was

i don't know why it was weird i was convinced i woke up and i was convinced i had a horse head

a horse and i look at look up horse boy you'll know i don't look up horse boy why exactly it's

just a guy with a horse it's a mask is that the guy with the mask and he had the hooves and he

keeps walking back and forth kind of all creepy like is it that one no i don't think it's even

that it's just it's just a human body you know the mask oh he was on the google a lot on the

a google map yeah yeah yeah i heard that uh yeah well um i i saw on um there was another video that

came out some guy was like really into the furry stuff but he liked horse and he had a horse face

and horse legs and he did a video in his backyard it was and i just started throwing it to joining

it to teenage she's like oh stop i gotta see it anyway so this last time i had uh with my last

operation they wouldn't give me they didn't give me the drip where i could do the morphine myself

in my iv which apparently you don't feel that as immediate it goes in your iv and it slowly goes in

your system uh when you get the morphine little button um but they were giving me injections if

i wanted if i wasn't enough pain they would give me an injection of morphine like right in my

in my arm and um i was in pain and i was like can i get something for the pain can i get some pills

you know the pills that were giving us and no you can't have pills because you can't eat so we can

can just give you morphine and injection i was like okay sure and i'm talking to athena athena's

like sitting next to me she's like are you okay like yeah i just you know i can't you know i want

to i want to get up but i can't it hurts too much so i figured to give me something for the pain

and the nurse is injecting me while i'm talking and literally like yeah and i want to get like i

my teeth clenched and i felt this coursing through my body as the morphine was racing through me it

felt like i turned into an incredible hulk i was like i was right in the middle of a sentence and

And, like, my teeth just clenched and my, like, muscles, like, expanded.

I was like, oh, my God.

That is some scary shit.

I was like, wow.

I could totally become addicted to this.

I could totally see.

Plenty of people have.

Wow.

It was immediate, too, dude.

Like, the minute she started depressing that little fucking syringe, I was like, ah.

I felt like, you know, Dragon Ball.

When, like, the power.

They had the power.

Yes.

That's when we get the blonde hair suddenly.

Yeah.

What?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Blonde hair.

They get blonde hair.

Keep your racist Nazi talk out of here, okay?

Blonde hair.

Jolteon, you have blonde hair blue eyes now.

You do.

What is going on to get so blonde?

All right, come on, Pringles.

We'll call that guy back, though.

I like that guy over there.

He's tracking us.

Number 5348.

Yeah, the 5-4 Gonzales guy.

It's been more than two minutes.

He can call us back.

We'll call him back.

He was busy.

Who's going to call us back?

I guess he's getting lazy.

I guess he's getting tied up.

I guess he's getting busy.

You got a call.

You should just call him back and go, hey.

You got a call about a guy giving out papers at the grocery store.

Giving out papers?

As in rolling paper?

Or news paper?

You've been missing a great show, Tuck.

I don't know.

I just did three calls about giving out papers at a grocery store.

Thanks.

Glad you know you got my back.

Thanks a lot.

Then again, you are no milkman.

What the fuck happened to the computer?

I got a news story I want to talk to you about, Tuck.

I don't know where we're going.

Hello?

Well, never mind.

We'll talk about it now.

Tuck, you're a big Apple fanboy.

What about Steve Jobs, huh?

He's dying, right?

Yeah.

There was a picture that came out Sunday.

They stamped a paparazzi picture on him.

It looks pretty bad.

It looks like he was wearing a dress.

It was kind of creepy.

I had a cousin who used to like wearing nightgowns.

We caught him once.

We went to my aunt's house.

Oh, you know, he's a forward-thinking kind of guy.

Forward-thinking.

Yeah, but, you know, how do you think it'll do okay?

They should let Wozniak take over, if you ask me.

Woz has nothing to do with the company.

He hasn't, for like 20 years he hasn't had anything to do with the company.

Yeah, he's just less.

What does Wozniak do?

What does Woz do anyway?

Does he do anything?

He sits on the money.

He gets fat.

Yeah, he gets fat.

He's chicken.

He doesn't have to do nothing.

He made his money, dude.

Kind of like Paul Allen.

You know who that is because that's a Microsoft guy.

You don't like Microsoft.

Yeah, Quistin ain't left.

Before that announcement came out, I finally got around to watching Pirates of Silicon Valley.

It's pretty good.

Good. I don't know if you've ever seen it, but it was pretty interesting.

About gates and jobs and all that back in the day, back in Vietnam.

Hello, National Taekwondo Center. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi. Listen, I was interested in learning how to karate chop a table in half.

We don't teach karate here.

This is Taekwondo?

Yes, sir.

Will you be able to teach me how to do a Taekwondo chop where I can break my boss's desk in half and intimidate him?

No, we'll not be able to teach you that here, sir.

Do you break boards there?

Yes, we do, sir.

Okay, so that's a start.

In a sense, yes, sir.

Is there a speed track that I can do to break boards?

No, there's not, sir.

You have to do the regular program, regular class,

and we will take you step-by-step through the martial art,

not just teaching you how to break boards and break people's desks.

I'm just interested in breaking wood boards, though.

I really don't care about throws and tumbles and stuff.

I just want to learn how to break boards and cement blocks.

Well, that's not really our style.

You would want to learn from us.

Well, money. Money I gave you just for that part.

We're not about money, sir.

Sorry.

We're about teaching martial arts and discipline,

not about teaching people how to break bricks and break boards and break desks.

Where do you get your magic, evil, Chinese dragon powers from?

If this is not a real call, sir, I'm going to have to hang up now, sir.

Listen, I will break a cement block in front of you.

Do you get blonde hair?

Do I get blonde hair?

What?

Are you talking to me or him?

Him.

Oh, you want to ask him?

I'll call him back.

I was still on the thing.

Hang on, I didn't know he...

Okay.

No, he hung up.

It went...

There we go.

Take it away, Tuck.

Ask him about blonde hair.

Call him Round Eye.

Hey, Round Eye.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Okay, you don't.

Busy.

Busy, suddenly, right?

Oh, God.

You know, I used to be that guy.

I used to answer the phone at a Taekwondo center right out of high school.

Okay.

I used to be that kid.

Did you really?

Yeah, my brother-in-law ran a school.

How do you break the...

Did you ever learn how to break the wood blocks and stuff?

Not really.

I never got that far into it, but yeah.

It's just this little thin little wood planky thing,

sort of like a little rectangle size.

Sweet.

Just go right through it with your hand.

It's a say something?

It's all about the guy holding the board, too.

Ah, I see.

Yeah.

It's a trick.

Sort of.

Did you learn the move where you guess the person's card in the deck?

Yes, I did.

Is it the same guy or are we going somewhere else?

It's the guy, Cockadoodle.

We should come to more karate places and talk about it.

Can you show me how you put the rings through each other?

Yeah.

Fizzle with magic.

Yo I saw David Blaine

He does karate

Yo he jumped into a garbage

Compactor and he came out

What's David Blaine been up to lately

I haven't seen him do anything

Last time I saw him he was actually

Doing like a little

What do you call it

Video tiny chat

Sort of thing and he had a lot of kids

And he was just answering questions

And you know

You know, having little kids or, like, starting to, like, flip little, you know, cards around.

And he was, like, you know, doing it back to them.

And, you know, he was just...

That's cool, man.

He was having a little...

He's doing something with underwater sharks and shit coming up.

Oh, God.

Is that his new thing?

Yeah, that's his community thing.

Remember he had to...

Didn't he fail...

I remember it was once he was in the water for three days.

And then he was going to unbuckle himself from some shit.

He had to swallow the key and he failed at it.

he never tried that again did he he's doing something on the water this time yeah he's

doing a water thing oh crap man i'm telling you fucking david blaine man awesome guy very slow

talker but awesome yeah our next girlfriend remember he does the thing where he levitates

she showed me how he does it he had to have sandals on he showed me she showed me like oh

you could do that and she was like oh my god how'd you do that it's like uh a lot of it has to do

with the angle

that you're seeing it from.

The camera angle.

How you're doing your feet

and pushing up

and you're going to love it

as far as like that.

Just like a little

inches off the ground.

It's an illusion.

If you know how to do it,

you can do it.

It's all about

hiking your feet up

at the right angle

from where you,

the viewer,

is looking at

at the right time.

I remember when

I was having those

appendectomy symptoms and I was trying to

talk myself into not going to the hospital

when I first got it when I should have

I was wikipedia-ing it

and even WebMD and everywhere I went

online for the symptoms it always

ended up saying Houdini died

of an appendectomy, you know, a burst of appendix

I've always said that

some kid punched him

in the wrong place

some frat kid

yeah, and he got infected

and he drowned

in that tank or whatever

Yeah, but he drowned like a day later or something.

I don't know, whatever.

The movie, you know, has a little different.

The movie.

Especially the, yeah, the movie.

Okay, the movie.

The movie.

Yeah, I was pissed off, man, because I don't know if you ever watched Lost,

but I remember when they told me I had an appendicitis,

I was going to have an appendectomy, and I was like, oh, it'll be fine, right?

The doctor's like, no.

i was like but i saw lost and jack on lost had the appendectomy on the beach and he was walking

the next episode and he's like uh no this isn't lost island yeah yeah that was dr dude i think

it was younger than me and it was a fucking surgeon i was like what the fuck he had like a

skull and crossbones bandana he came in he like he looked at my x-rays and my casket and he came

was like dude i'm like hey bro it's like okay i thought you'd be cool like that like i am just

being funny he's like okay well your appendix burst dude i'm like okay dude i wasn't in a good

mood well my appendix i'm sure you weren't yeah no no but he's not the one to mess up the surgery

it was his other doctor but oh yeah the guy that fixes surgeries is black surgeon who looks just

like um jesse jackson like toxic m looks like him wow yeah dr creary anyway i'm trying to dial here

and Skype is giving me a shit, so I'm going to have to clear it out.

Tuck, I'm going to have to disconnect and reconnect you.

Okay.

Give me a second here.

Excuse me.

Hello, martial arts.

How can I help you?

Yeah, this is Karate Machine.

I'm sorry.

Who is this?

This is Valente Cross.

This is the Karate Machine.

No, this is not the Karate Machine.

I'm sorry.

I got the wrong number.

This is the Karate Place.

Fighting and martial arts?

It's Northwest Fighting Arts, yes.

Okay, good, good.

What do you teach there?

We do boxing, Muay Thai, Jiu-Jitsu, Eskrima, Tai Chi and Qigong.

Okay.

All right, good deal.

Hey, do you teach where you break the blocks, like wood?

No, we don't break blocks here.

No, cement or wooden panels or anything like that?

What's that?

I'm trying to get on a fast track where I can break wood.

Try Taekwondo school.

They'll probably be able to help you out.

Okay.

Do you have any secrets, you know, where the secret powers come from?

Try Taekwondo school.

They'll help you out.

Okay.

What about with boxing?

Yeah.

You're not going to be breaking any blocks with boxing.

All right.

Jiu-jitsu, is there anything?

Not like that either.

Like I said, sir, we don't do any of that with any of the martial arts we're doing here.

If you want to look for breaking boards and blocks, you'd want to look at a Taekwondo school.

What's screamo?

What's that stuff?

Sounds like fag stuff.

What's that?

Have a good night.

Screamo.

What is screamo?

He hung up on me.

What the fuck is screamo?

It's a new one.

Screamo.

You go up to somebody and go, ah!

It's a screamo.

That's what I do.

I scream and I run away.

Oh, you mean he, uh, he, uh, we go through the board.

He said, no, he called it screamo.

Oh, it's like we teach Jiu-Jitsu, Screamo.

Fuck is Screamo?

Who knows?

It's a lot of the same stuff.

They give different names.

And boxing.

They get very, very touchy.

Boxing's dead.

You're not going to defend yourself with boxing.

The fuck's that?

Boxing's dead.

As a sport, boxing's dead.

It's all UFC now, man.

UFC's fun.

That's true.

Well, UFC, you know, you have to learn some boxing.

Not really.

You've got to learn, like, two of them.

Isn't it Jiu-Jitsu?

I don't think it would help.

Yeah.

Status and background in it?

I don't think so.

I think they make fun of boxers.

I think you've got to know, like, jiu-jitsu and ground fighting, whatever it's called.

All right, ground fighting.

Mahongo.

Capoeira, Mahongo.

You've got to know that.

Apple number guys.

Yeah.

Throw them down on the ground.

Hold them down.

You've got to know when to hold them, know when to throw them, know when to walk away,

know when to run away.

Oh, guys, thanks for hanging in there with me.

I know it's not the best of shows, but...

Go listen to the dude win from Sunday.

Yeah, if you've got a problem, listen to Sunday.

It's already updated and everything, man.

It's already updated and everything.

I haven't been able to listen to it.

We even had a good dewdrop call.

We had one tonight, wasn't it?

We could try to call them again.

Or the chicken guy.

See if Officer Gonzales is busy still.

Yeah, find out what he had called.

Mr. Gonzales, please.

Mr. Gonzales.

Nothing.

Mr. Gonzales.

Officer Krupke.

Hey, Officer Krupke.

Krup you.

West Side Story.

I know you know what that was, Tuck.

Do you know the secrets of karate guys going blonde?

I take that as a no.

He knows. He just won't tell us.

Fucker.

Those karate guys don't like to give out their secrets.

You saw how they were about the karate blocks, right?

They're like, no.

Yeah, they don't.

They're very touchy.

I'll give them a secret.

They're very touchy of why you name things.

You can tell just from those two calls, they were correcting you.

Like, no, no, no.

If you don't say it exactly, they'll say, no, we don't do that either.

and you know

isn't karate

like looked down on

isn't it really

80s anyway

does anyone

it's not even karate

because

okay by the way

it's all the same

fucking thing

they just

because

you name a certain

thing

they'll go

no no no

we do this

it's karate

guess what

same fucking

oh you know

David Carradine

the guy

from

fucking

Kill Bill

and

Kung Fu

yeah

and Kung Fu

Legend Continues

he was on

in Orlando

he was on the local

radio station

the talk station

he came in

and he got mad

because they kept

calling it karate

he's like no no no

it is

yeah exactly

it is karate

you know

oh right

shut the fuck up

it's gay

is what it is

anyway

it's not fighting

it's all that fucking

shit

it really is

it is karate

he had a weird

way of talking

and they caught him

you know

then he died

he choked himself

in Thailand

yeah he caught himself

choking his family

said no no no no

he was assassinated and that's how the spies

did it these invisible ninja

spies came in

and made it look like he was

jacking off

it's probably Bruce Lee man

because remember he took Bruce Lee's job on that show

that was supposed to be Bruce Lee's last show

that's actually true

Kung Fu was supposed to be Bruce Lee

and Bruce Lee developed it for him

and then they turned around

and he wouldn't start it

Bruce Lee faked his death

Didn't Bruce Lee die of a headache or something stupid like that?

What the fuck was that?

It was some heart murmur thing in the gig or something.

He died of a headache.

He had a headache.

He took an aspirin.

Fucking crazy machine.

Fucking guy.

They say Bruce Lee was so freaking awesome.

When he played Green Lantern's sidekick or whatever on that Batman show.

Green Hornet.

It was Cato.

Green Hornet.

Yes.

But he was punching and kicking so fast they had to ask him to slow down

because they couldn't pick it up on the camera.

his moves right it was so fast that fucking wow wow remember didn't he fight um the basketball

guy you know yes he did will chamberlain was it will chamberlain or the other one i confused these

two i i want yeah i think it was will chamberlain yeah wow or the other one uh otis smith i don't

know whatever no it was will chamberlain was it will the stilt the guy that fucked 3 000 women

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, anyway.

Another prank.

Let's see.

And then they fought Chuck Norris without a beard.

Really?

Yeah.

It was that movie that he never finished.

Oh, Chuck Norris.

They did film that scene.

They say Chuck Norris is like the strongest kicker out there.

I don't know.

And what happened to Jean-Claude Van Damme?

He just went all gay on everybody.

Then he, I think literally, he got really weird gay.

like wasn't he doing weird creepy stuff yeah with his wife yeah he lived in uh he lived really close

to where i grew up he had a house out there and every once in a while you hear a story someone

said i saw him working out you know he'd run down the street because i know he got pulled over once

um speeding they let him go and there was a big controversy in the newspaper like how dare they

they should treat him like anybody else just because he's john clockman down you should have

gotten a ticket in that same town that i grew up in uh what's uh the fucking uh the guy from

Grease, that guy, and Pulp Fiction,

you know, the airplane guy? Travolta.

Travolta, yeah. He had a house out there with a...

There's a community on the outskirts of the town

I grew up in that

it's, like, airplane-friendly.

So, you know,

like, your backyard, everyone's backyard is

on this airstrip, so you can have your plane

and fly out on your backyard. Yes, it's the plane.

Yeah. But then he bought a 747

and thought it'd be funny to start landing

this big-ass Boeing jet or something

in the backyard, and then everyone's like,

fuck that, get the fuck out of here.

They sent him out to, like, the horse lands in Ocala in Florida.

He's so stupid.

He can't do it.

Yeah, it's like it's a little field.

He's landing his big jumbo jack.

Here's another one.

This is going to end up like JFK Jr., dead.

You just messaged me with I command the pranks.

Oh, okay.

Talk to you, pranks, because I'm not doing that.

Fuck that.

I'm talking about karate.

We got a mixed martial arts here, but we got Brendan's number first.

Brendan first.

closed in 45 minutes and i think he sent it to me like an hour ago so let's try it wait i'm not

doing it sorry brendan i'm trying it thank you for calling menards medicavia our store is closed

no our store hours are monday through saturday 6 30 a.m to 10 p.m and sundays 8 a.m to 8 p.m

to better serve you our commercial fuck you all right all right so mixed martial arts let's do

it here was uh rbcp on tuesday i don't know if i got i i completely forgot about it yeah

Yeah, it's so late at night, I don't even know.

I think it's once a week.

And he also illegally plays the movies off his Ustream on Mondays.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Which, I don't know.

I mean, Justin TV cracked down on that.

Ustream seems to let you still.

When you log in to go on, it's really big, like,

we respect copyright laws, agree.

And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever.

Yeah.

Ustream has gone kind of poopy lately.

Justin's seems to be more reliable.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

The machine's been doing a lot of weird stuff with our ads and stuff.

Ah.

Yeah, it interrupts the feed.

Like, if you're watching, 10 minutes in, you'll get a Spanish language ad.

Thank you for calling Club TKD Martial Arts.

We are located at 3675 Old Paneo Road in New Bray Park.

Our site is www.clubtkd.com.

If you'd like to leave us a message, we will call you back as soon as possible.

Everyone's in bed right now.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think it's time.

It's 1242.

But this is a good idea for, it would be, this would be better for, like, during the day when we have a day show if we need to.

We get around to it, yeah.

See, what I want to do, I want to try to at least do, like, one of those Monday morning shows.

Yeah.

My nurse comes on Monday mornings, and it's hit or miss.

Like, sometimes she comes right at 8, and that'd be good.

She'd be gone by 8.30, and then, you know, unless she gives me a blowjob that morning, it takes me an extra 10 minutes.

Well, I mean, sometimes.

Okay, all right.

Well, sometimes she has a schedule and she can't.

Okay.

She can't jack me off.

All right, let's see.

We got another one here.

Captain Jack's Game Room.

What's it called?

Jack.

Smack.

Delight.

Hike.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

I'm a T-Mobile customer, a little concerned about AT&T taking over T-Mobile, Department

of Justice this week, suing to block the merger of T-Mobile and AT&T, and I'm excited

about that.

I don't know what'll happen.

Brent will probably buy him out instead.

Fair.

Yeah, look who's calling.

Captain Jack's.

This is Captain Jack's. Great. That's good.

Hey, now when it's a game room, are these arcade machines or pool or what?

I'm sorry, but I can't understand you.

Your machines. Hello?

My machines?

Yeah.

What about them?

What machines do you got there?

We've got Life of Luxuries. We've got Captain Jack's, Spy Machine, Mars Venture.

We've got several of the Cherry machines.

What are these, like slot machines?

Yes. They're game machines. They print out the tickets, and they spend the tickets, and then, of course, we can do redemption for tickets.

Are any of them flat that you can lay down on top of?

Are they what?

Are any of them flat that you can lay down on top of?

Sorry, I'm having a little bit of difficulty hearing you.

Are any of them flat that you can lay down on top of them?

No.

No? None of them will support, like, where you have anything you can lay down on there?

Well, they probably would, but I doubt if we would let anybody to do that.

Well, I mean, are you 24 hours?

No, we're open from 7 in the morning to 1 at night.

So maybe towards the later hours when no one's around, maybe I could lay down on top.

I want to take pictures of myself laying down on the machine.

What, planking?

No, no, just laying down.

You'd have to talk with the boss about that, and he's already gone home for the night.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

If we don't involve the boss, it'll be just between me and you.

No.

Can't do that.

Well, can I do the planking?

Is that okay?

No.

Oh, come on.

Nope.

Talk about that.

Listen, I just...

You might try the other game room.

Well, will you hold the camera for me and take a picture of me there?

Nope.

I'm not going to lay down or anything.

Nope.

Just a picture.

It's my camera phone.

You just hit a button on the top of it.

No.

Look, listen, I just want to take my pants off.

I like to take my picture in public with my pants down.

No.

Please?

I think what you need to do is talk to someone at the other game room

or just go on about your little world.

Do you have a bathroom there?

Yes, we do.

Actually, it's outside.

Does it have a urinal?

No, it doesn't.

When I use a urinal, I like to take it.

It's just a one-huller.

It's got a moon carved in the front door.

Okay, when I use a urinal, do you ever...

I like to

I take all my clothes off

Damn it

I want to see the story

About how I take all my clothes off

Of the urinal

Ah shit

It's cold milkman

I really think I'm getting sick

And that's a fucking tragedy

If it's true man

He was impressed by your

Well he wanted me to play

For a second there

I thought he was into it

Enjoy the following music

While your party is being played

Hey

Hello

Hey did you find your notebook

Oh no

Now what do you do

Damn it man

You're going to fail the test now

Now you'll never graduate

I'm going to call you back on Skype

type or write sing it on the air decent wise okay all right when you see a number come through that's

weird looking don't think it's someone else okay it's me bye bye all right bye jesus no one's in

the mood oh boy hurry up i'm gonna kill somebody i'm gonna kill some colors something i don't know

what milkman called me today he's like i lost my notebook i'm like what notebook

notebook for what i don't know if you mean i don't i don't know if he means a notebook laptop

Laptop or actual notebook?

Oh, it might be a notebook laptop.

He needs to learn to keep it all in the cloud, man.

Google Docs.

Oh, I don't know.

He needs an iPad.

I can't trust that cloud shit, dude.

The following music while your party is being read.

Boo bitches.

Pick up, milkman.

It didn't ring for so long.

What happened?

They were just talking to you.

I don't know.

It didn't ring.

I picked it right up.

Oh, you know that.

that. You know how it is. You know, fucking

Sprint. Nothing. So what

was your notebook? Did it have numbers in there

like your girlfriend? No, no, no.

No, it's all different. Shit, dude.

Luckily, I put it all in

coded language. You know, it's all in that.

Yeah, it's in pig

Latin. Pig Latin.

O-K-N-K comes in

K. O-B-K-B.

Omar Ote. Oh, shit.

I said kill.

Ew. How you been, man?

What's happening, everybody?

Nothing. Tuck's here. Tuck, say hi.

Say hi, Tuck.

Tuck. I think Tuck left.

Tuck's afraid of you.

Hi, Tuck.

Anyway.

Do you actually still get that

thing and all that stuff?

I got taken out yesterday.

I got disconnected yesterday, man.

I have no... I've got my

IV going, I think.

My IV ball's going, but my

wound vac is gone.

on. All that's left is

to get it done.

Now just use it for

like BJ's and stuff.

No, no, man. They picked

it up today. That's in the morning.

That's in the morning.

How about that? It like gums you though.

Like gums you and kneads and massages you.

That's the nurse. That's when the

banana cries.

That's what it was. Alright, now I got it.

No, they picked up that machine today

and I'm happy because they were like, if you don't

turn that machine in in 24 hours, we're

We're going to bill you $300 a day for it.

I'm like, oh, okay.

Go ahead.

What the fuck?

They sent UPS to pick it up.

Like, I didn't know UPS will come pick something up.

I was like, do I have to send it to UPS?

Like, no.

UPS will come to your house and pick it up.

I was like, okay.

It's like, don't put it in a box.

Don't do nothing.

The UPS guy came inside.

He was like, you have a delivery for so-and-so?

Like, yeah.

I was like, all right.

Let me see it.

Let me inspect it.

Here we go.

All right.

And he took it.

And that's it.

I signed the paper.

It was convenient because it's hard for me to walk.

I'm very weak right now.

I've got stairs where I live here.

So for me to get up and down with a box would be kind of dangerous.

So it was kind of convenient.

All right.

Yep.

Before you handed it back in, did you rip a little shit in the cup there real quick?

No.

It doesn't have a cup.

A cup?

Yeah, the vacuum.

It isn't really like a vacuum.

Well, it kind of is.

It's a little hose.

It's not big.

It's about the size of this microphone wire, the hose.

If they ask you what that foreign body is, just tell them it came out of your wound.

You have no idea.

I have no idea.

Sorry.

Yeah.

I don't know.

See, it's better than doing it in the microwave.

That's my kidney.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Yeah, because the next customer can enjoy it.

Yeah.

So how's work going, man?

Did you lose your job because of the notebook?

I mean, you're so worried about it.

I'm worried about you.

You in trouble?

It's all right, dude.

The yielded parties are protected, man.

They have to actually be in the madhouse.

Gee, if they don't have it, then...

All right, well, whatever.

Just stay glad.

Very cryptic of you, but okay, all right.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

Hope everything works out.

Have you been listening to the show at all?

No, the only thing I've heard is Cactus Radio shit, like normal shit.

That's about it.

Cactus Radio normal shit?

Shouldn't be.

We're on.

I don't really hear much else.

I'm not doing that.

When I tuned in, I don't know.

You know, what's this?

Oh, but I mean tonight.

I've been listening to the show the night, Milkman, is what I'm asking you.

Oh, that's why I called you, man.

I was trying to call you.

I was just getting going to go pick up somebody.

Okay, cool.

I've got a red belt in Taekwondo.

You've got a red belt?

Yeah.

There is no red belt.

Oh, yeah, sure there is.

Yeah, there is.

It's like right before black Taekwondo.

No way.

Milkman, you're a red belt.

That's right before black.

Hey.

Yeah, yeah, I've got a red belt, yeah.

Yeah, I used to do the flying side.

kick back whenever i was training i used to do appliance i got like six guys up i'm about to

bend over and like like showing and then i jump over across all them and then i kick out and break

before i get to the right shit wow that's awesome oh man i want to i want to learn to break boards

milcom will you teach me how yeah i could teach you but you know you have to it's a lot of uh

more but the other guy holding the suit it's more mental training but anybody could break

the board it's just uh how your mind is feeling hello captain jack yeah hi captain jack yes listen

my buddy's on the line here and he knows taekwondo and he said that you have to take pictures of me

while i'm there breaking the boards i think you're uh on the wrong page bud no listen captain jacks

needs to take pictures of me okay i have it here on my grocery hunt huh no treasure treasure hunt

Nope.

Sorry about that.

I'm going to pull my pants down.

I want you to take a picture of it.

He's going to wear his underpants out.

No, I'm not.

You hear me?

I got to call R.D. on him there.

Oh, my.

Oh, I can wear a mask.

Got to call R.D. on him there.

Yeah.

Did we call Officer Gonzales back?

He missed the weed out.

Go weed out.

Let me try.

for some Gonzales, huh?

Milkman, did you get

one of those

marijuana smoking cards yet?

Oh, yeah, they're easy to get, dude.

You just gotta

find the right people

and get the discount.

Tell me you got a period.

59 bucks is the cheapest

I can find it for.

It's just not that cheap.

Is that for a year?

That's for one year

and then from then on, four.

What a racket.

Yep.

That's all it is,

is money.

It's awesome.

Can't wait.

Good shit, dude.

Hello?

Chicken.

Man, they won't talk.

Gonzales won't talk to me.

What is it?

Call McDonald's then.

See what they say.

I don't have a McDonald's

oh mcdonald's i'm hungry i don't know did you have a yeah yeah oh so the people in the chat

are saying is anyone else sent the numbers new new talking over there at all what's he doing

everybody's in the chat room milk bag oh i need some names i need some names to protect the

guilty kokanee's in the chat room let me hop him i didn't notice he was in the chat room let me get

Clay, Nunu, RBCP.

He was saying have Carlito call Manchester.

Who sent a number?

We have a Manchester.

I'm sure he gave you Manchester numbers.

Please relay a message to Nunu, okay?

Tell him that he is our favorite wanker.

He is our regular YouTube wankers.

United the movement.

Okay.

You just did.

You just did it, Milkman.

You did it.

Good work.

Thank you.

Nunu, my wanking buddy.

Ew, waking buddy, okay.

I think this is going to be the last call, because not only is it late, but I'm feeling sickly.

It sucks, man.

I told you, you should have shit in that wound back before you let it go, man.

It was a feeling right now.

Damn it.

Yeah, what if they told me I had to reconnect, and then there's shit feces in me, and you get cock-a-virus.

Well, if you reconnected, Tommy got called.

This came out of me.

Thinks too strong.

You pulled the shit out of me.

That's not a good number, dude.

All right, well, there you go, kids.

There you are.

I hung up on Milkman on accident.

Wrong number.

Now we're fucked.

Enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Sorry, sir.

What the hell?

That was a good song there, Milkman.

It's a random Jimi Hendrix song every time I call you.

That one right there was fly.

Did you send him the 10 years after?

10 years after?

Well, you asked me earlier in the show,

what is this music?

I was like, it's probably Milkman.

Oh, no, Milkman.

There was some song, but I don't think you sent that to me.

10 years after, I bet you.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

Nunu's number's not working.

He sent me a 778 area code number.

Lives in Vancouver.

And it won't go through.

Well, it's Canada.

Maybe that's why.

Let me try to mark it as a Canadian number.

Maybe that'll do it.

There's an ad that convention.

One of those people there, he's got it right.

Probably.

Possibly a gay porn convention.

He's got it right.

Gay porn convention.

Oh, God.

It's so hard for me to look up stuff, man.

I've got to get right on the fucking Canada.

Here we go.

C-A-N-A-D-A.

All right, let's try it.

Vancouver's in Canada, right?

Last time I checked.

Yeah, hi.

Yep.

Yeah.

California.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to take your call.

However, if you leave a message, I will get back to you.

Has anybody else made it?

Just who I told you, man.

Ken was in there for a while.

Alex is a fudge packer.

I think that's, I don't know.

No Maven?

No Maven.

Maven doesn't show up anymore.

Lifelike.

AMD was in there, Milkman.

You missed AMD.

AMD was in there for a while, yeah.

Jill was in there for a while.

Pure Evil, yeah.

But you missed your friend AMD.

He's on my Facebook, my personal Facebook.

Yeah, I talk to AMD every once in a while.

Life like you in there, too?

Yep, life like.

Life like you in Australia.

Yeah, Australia now.

Big Scott the N, people.

You know.

Anyway, I'm ending the show.

It's over, Milkman.

Next time, you know, try to be around early, you know.

Yeah, just be on there and see if you could, like, do a quick hand drop or a hand release.

I guess so.

Then you'll feel like doing some more calls.

I guess so.

Well, next time.

I'm going to get it fitted.

No, no, we need a hand release.

All right.

Bye, Milkman.

Take care.

Bye.

Hey.

All right.

See you.

Bye.

Hey.

Bye, Tuck.

See you later, Tuck.

We're done.

We're out of here.

Hi, Buddies.com.

All right.

All right, everybody.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for being on the show or not being on the show or sending numbers and everything

you did.

It was, uh...

It was something.

It sure was.

Hey, that went right.

That went right.

Bye, Milkman.

Disconnected Milkman.

And Tuck, you're being disconnected.

And now I will disconnect myself.

Good night, everybody.

We're on next week, next Thursday.

Don't forget, tell a friend.

Calls (18, 51 min of 2 h 6 min)

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