Crackers in the Bed

I'm sorry, I can't put you through to him.

You stupid monkey.

He called me a stupid monkey, that's not fair.

I don't understand what you mean.

Graham crackers.

There's no one at the front door.

I thought you said there was someone at the front door.

There's someone rang the front door about five minutes ago.

And when did you get it?

Because I'm in bed.

How dare you be so rude?

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to Madhouse Radio Podcast.

98.6

ML

and this

Madhouse Rookie Room

we host the man

himself

the greatest

pranker alive

Carlito

come to this

show thing I do

you should

visit our website

if you're only

listening right now

madhouselive.com

is the URL

for the website

sending your

requests as well

if you wish

that would be

appreciated

AOL and Yahoo

Instant Messenger

Madhouse Radio

screen name

if you're using

AOL or Yahoo

Instant Messenger

if you're using

MSN Messenger

Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.

Of course, Twitter, Madhouse.

Search for us over on Facebook, Madhouse Live on Facebook.

With me, as always, we have the Milkman.

Milkman, what's going on, bro?

Good evening.

Happy Thursday to you, sir.

Good Madhouse, man.

Well, I'm good to hear you, man.

You're sounding good, man.

I'm in good mood.

We got the Mothership connections on here tonight, man.

Up in the Mothership.

That's what I'm talking about.

That broadcast there, it's a topic that's really exciting, man.

Well, thank you, man.

Well, hoo, hoo.

That's what I'm talking about.

Here you go.

Nokeman, the political scientist who warns you never live in a commonwealth, only in

a state, whatever.

You know where we're at, man.

We called the EFUNK.

We got some prank calls to play here from last week's show, too, as a matter of fact.

We're going to be playing...

Hey, I got a...

I got a...

What's that?

Turn that music down.

Jack Funkadelic, you can play on some of the next songs.

Parliament Funkadelic.

Yeah, sure.

We can do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, we ain't heard that in a while, man.

Load us up on the...

Hey, we're doing the top of our broadcast there, man.

That would be a good thing, you know?

All right, you got it, man.

No problem.

I'll load that up right now on the old manhouse music machine.

How about a little maggot brain in the background?

How about that?

You want that?

Yeah, that's a good one.

I'll get some maggot brain.

I'm coming.

Milkman's headed to the airport.

Yeah, that's it.

I'll keep it.

Cool.

Yeah, I admit it's Milkman.

You better hurry up.

Milkman's going to put us on mute.

We're always here, man.

Good luck with that.

That's awesome.

That call there was actually, man, that was somebody in AT&T security, my brother.

Okay.

Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time.

For all of you wondering, Ilkman is a cab driver now, and he works while he does his shows.

I have two issues.

What can you do?

That right there was a hijack.

That's part of tonight's story, I suppose, you see.

We're hijacked by phone losers.

Yeah, speaking of which.

You don't want to be feeding erroneous information here.

Anyway.

Well, speaking of which, we are on Cacti Radio right now.

Of course, cactiradio.com, phonelosers.org.

Thank you for having us on, RBCP.

I was on the phone show Tuesday night.

I had a lot of fun.

It was on until like 3 o'clock in the morning with those fucks.

Man, did we have a good time.

That sounds like fun.

What night was that, bro?

That was Tuesday night into Wednesday morning.

We did something about mother's milk.

I did, and we were calling gyms and some kind of electric mop.

electric electric mops and shit i don't it was fun man i don't know if that's online

when we need her i don't know check with rbcp see if he's uh rubbed that one out yet i need to get

i need to contact maven let her know man we're in business bro the hell do i know maven i don't know

she's your ex-girlfriend not mine she's not in she's not in the chat is she no she's pissed off

at you man all right she's upset at you you left her stranded you left her stranded that one time

and you stood her up for a date.

You know what you did.

Oh, I never stood her up.

She probably still thinks you're in your hiatus.

She goes through.

Dead is what I am.

Anyway, I'm expecting Nunu here to send in some numbers here soon, right?

Jerky.

That'd be nice.

I also got numbers from last week and from the past that we can tap into as well.

As I said before, be sure to send in your requests throughout the night.

I got a few requests to prank emails that came through through the website.

Be sure to fill that out.

if you're watching the video aka chat feed on the website towards the bottom left of the page you

can fill out your chat request your prank request right there rather it's a free service uh brought

to you by milkman and carlito or right there the front page just click on the request to prank link

anywhere on our web page madhouselive.com and send your requests in that helps us out helps us

keep things fresh um speaking of keeping things fresh in the meantime we are going to play a

a prank call here from last week

while I gather what numbers we do have

for the night and start doing some pranks

here. Lonesome Loser will be joining us in a little bit.

We usually do this until about

1 o'clock in the morning Eastern Standard Time.

Give or take a few

minutes. Depends on how the night goes.

We extend things or we cut things

short sometimes. We do the best we can.

This prank I'm going to play

is out of two

pranks that I think went really well last week.

This one would be my

favorite. Milkman, you didn't hear this. You were

off uh the show for this part uh but this one was me and ted uh we prank called the lady in the uk

and she ordered me and ted webb old friend of madhouse to repent in the name of the blood of

jesus i really i don't think you've heard this at all have you milkman or even there still we'll

play that right now blood of jesus here we're right back in just a moment this is madhouse

live.com yes hello i'm calling to schedule that bird removal i'm calling about to schedule the

a bird removal for this morning. We got a call

that you had birds to be removed.

You have a bird that needs to be removed.

Do you have a husband there, maybe, that sat on a bird?

That's the Jesus lady. Try her again.

She gets upset. She sends you

to Jesus. Remember, we were talking about Jesus

and God. That's right.

I send you to Jesus.

The blood of Jesus.

Hello?

What's wrong with you?

I'm calling about the blood of Jesus.

The blood of Jesus on my soul.

Seek yours.

You seek the blood of Jesus.

You need it.

You're worried. You're in trouble.

You need Jesus in your life.

All what you need to do is to go and repent.

Repent.

The scripture says you repent ye

and be baptized by the remission of your sins.

Go and repent, my brother.

Jesus is there. He will fix it.

I can't help you. Jesus will.

Somebody say, brother.

Where do I find this blood of Jesus exactly, though?

When you get it, you will know what it is all about.

Go and seek him.

There's a choice like grape juice.

The time you're taking up my phone and speaking foolishness.

How can you kneel down, get down on your knees,

and ask him to forgive you of your sins?

Blood clot.

And please don't phone me.

I don't know you.

You don't know me.

Don't phone me.

Bumba Klatt.

This is Satan.

I've got to say hello.

What's wrong with you?

Listen, Tupac was talking about Jesus once,

and he said that Jesus said to picture him rolling.

What's wrong with you?

Tupac and Machiavelli.

If you know Jesus, why you don't get up, take up a Bible and read?

I did.

I did. I read the whole Bible. You know what I found out?

Well, you don't read your Bible and get a better understanding of Christ.

I read the whole...

Instead of getting up in the night and waking up old people.

I read the Cliff Notes.

I read the whole...

What's wrong with you?

I read the whole Bible, and I didn't find anything in it. I just used it for toilet paper and a real joint.

Well, what if you don't find anything in the Bible and you expect to find it from me?

If you read the Bible and you don't get anything, what do you expect to get from me?

Jesus told me...

All the answer that you need is in the Bible.

Does Jesus love me?

Yes.

Does he love me?

But he needs money.

Does he love all of his children?

He loves the children of the world.

All what you have to do is to obey.

Listen.

Listen, you might get a little upset about this one,

but does he even love the black children?

Does he even love the black children?

You need Christ in your life.

That's what you have to do.

He sure does.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

God, Jesus, I'm sorry.

Say ten Hail Marys.

All what you need to do is to see Jesus.

No, no.

We're Catholics here.

it seems like you are seeking the head no we're catholic it may seem you need a physician

this is what catholicism is and jesus is the greatest physician my brother's king

i've been looking for him but he and he shall find i don't know about that i've been looking

looking high and low wait let me check under my keyboard you know because it's always in the last

You need to repent of all you've seen.

You must have done some wicked thing in your life.

That's why I know you are, you perplexed.

I'm perplexed?

You don't know what you want.

Wait, wait.

Oh, crap.

I almost found it.

I think I saw it, G.

No, that's a Hell's Angel.

Oh, wait.

This is, no.

Did you see the movie Passion of the Christ, lady?

I didn't.

You did not.

Is she in a line still?

Brian, disconnect the call.

Brian, terminate the call, please.

There you go.

He's a freaking piece of shit.

Hey, everybody.

We're back.

That was The Blood of Jesus from last week.

We got one other call there to a telemarketer who hadn't even started his job yet.

I forgot the fucking name of it.

We'll play that later on in the show.

Okay?

Okay, stupid.

In the meantime, I did pull up those numbers I was talking about.

I'm also pulling up the classic Lonesome Loser blog with prank call submissions, thousands upon thousands of them, dating back to 2005.

Milpen, are you there, sir?

Yeah, I'm here. I'm busy.

You hear the prank?

That's the prank you missed, right?

Yeah.

That sounded like a Barry Menzies or somebody from the islands, dude.

She's a Jamaican lady.

She's Jamaican.

That's all I got for her.

Okay, that's what I'm saying.

She sounded like she's from the Caribbean, all right.

Yeah, kind of, kind of.

Jamaican, but living in the UK, okay?

You understand?

Fuck you, you understand?

Oh, okay.

All right, cool.

Anyway, give me just a moment here.

Let me get in close.

Get a lonesome log up here right in front of me.

You got any type of restaurant you'd like to call, Milkman?

Any suggestions, any...

You haven't called Greek in a while.

I've stopped.

Greek.

I'm gonna send it tight.

There's another prank request coming in.

Every time you hear the Vista sound going off, it's just the default thing I got for, uh...

What do you mean there's no Greek?

There's no Greek restaurant in here, really?

Possible.

Eh, I guess there's no Greek restaurant.

Eh, let me go to the other log then.

Fuck.

You know what sucks about this now with my vision issues is I gotta get so close up

to see shit.

I used to be so nice and flowy with the show.

It's gonna take some getting used to here.

still can't see out of that left eye it'll be a while still so the doctor today said it looks okay

it was just gonna be a while not to suck it up he said he literally said like that he said suck it

up fatty fats big puerto rican fat fat fuck there's a place called monkey mania in australia

jackass cafe we've called them before it's never really gone anywhere jamaican grill in guam we

called them last thanksgiving actually yeah these are numbers from last thanksgiving it's a show i

keep mentioning a thanksgiving show from last year america holiday center shop horse and cow

Oh, what was that?

Somebody getting nasty noises.

Well, I don't know.

All right, milkmans, quick question over there.

We're going to call the Middleton family.

They're in the U.K.

Yes, hello, Mr. Middleton.

Hello.

Pardon?

Yes, hi, Mr. Middleton.

Yes, I'm calling about your pet.

This seems to be a problem.

You failed to register your pet, sir.

I understand, yes, but if you fail to register your pet before 4 o'clock in the morning,

we'll be coming over to euthanize the pet.

How many pets do you have that you're keeping there?

Okay.

That sounds like Paul McCartney.

The Opals.

Oh, shit.

I hung up on Milkman.

Following music while your party is being reached.

Opals.

Yes, hi.

Middleton?

Hello.

Hello, madam.

Madam!

You said hello and you're not saying anything back.

What's going on?

Acknowledge me.

Please.

Hello, sir.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Say something.

Pervert.

I'm going to try it one more time.

Answer 1571.

one the following music while your party is being reached i'm putting an accident sorry buddy oh my

bad it didn't go anywhere anyway you didn't miss anything okay all right all right okay can you

keep talking or you gotta go you sound worried no i'm gonna find that guy man what the fuck

oh shit so he went he wanted to go to the airport what if he misses his flight because

you and you're in big fucking trouble hello hello hello please respond hello please

We'll call the next UK number here on the list.

We've got another Middleton.

Give me a second here.

Let me get that ready.

In a moment, I will take a look and see what request of pranks we've got here from the group.

Oh, yeah, Milkman, I wanted to mention.

You were asking recently about Turd Burglar.

Remember Turd Burglar?

Good friend of ours.

He actually contacted me last Friday by email.

I didn't get a chance to call him yet, but he sent me his new phone number via the website.

And I meant to call him

Even try to see if I get him

See if he wanted to call in this week

I failed to contact him

He's still back in Israel?

No, no, he's back in the States

He's got his kid and all that

I don't know if he's still

I'm guessing he hasn't done his four years yet

He's just not deployed, he's in the States

But he's a good friend of ours in the Army

Good pranker

But anyway, I'll try to catch up

I'll let you know how he's doing

But he's out there

Sir, if you're listening on the podcast or live, what's up, bro?

What's going on?

Yep, McDonald's and the Walmarts.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Yes, sir.

I was wondering if we could get your assistance here.

We're trying to open up a Walmart in the UK.

We'd like to get your signature, see if you're interested,

and let us know what kind of products you'd be interested in.

No, thanks.

Do you like free pastries?

No, thanks.

That's pretty weak milk, man.

I'm not doing good tonight.

You know, I said that last week.

Sure wasn't that bad.

You were very compliant.

Well, thanks.

Try them again.

You've got to fly the plane to the mountain.

And then they'll say yes.

And then you can thank her as well.

Hello?

Yes, do you know what time it is?

It's past 3 o'clock in the morning, sir.

And you're on the phone.

You're calling me.

I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

You're being very rude on the phone and nasty with me at this time of morning.

No, I'm not.

It's okay.

No, I'm not.

No.

Not me.

Come on.

This guy's got to get mad.

He's got to have an angle somewhere.

Hello?

Mr. Middleton?

Mr. Middleton, will you please get angry?

Anyway.

Anyway, it's like friggin' Fred Rogers over there.

Eh, eh, whatever.

All right, well, uh.

Where did this guy go?

Maybe he went to go with a real cab driver,

one that doesn't leave people stranded, Mokman.

You know?

One that's paying attention instead of being on a radio show

while he's trying to work.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

What did he say?

He said he was going to be right back,

take him to the airport, and then he disappeared?

Just call the police.

Call the police, Mokman.

No, don't take it so hard on yourself.

Jesus, anyway.

Speaking of Turtberg, let's play this prank call.

Mokman calms down.

Jeff from 363.

What?

We're in Mesa.

Just a second.

I'm going to patch you through, okay?

What's my customer's name?

Walmart, man.

Hello?

Walmart.

What?

You're calling Walmart.

Walmart?

Why are you calling a Walmart?

We're calling a Walmart.

Just call a Walmart.

Ma'am, just one second.

What's your phone?

Walmart.

Where is it?

It's a...

You can call your customer at Walmart.

How can I help you?

Sorry, what?

Someone just called me from this number and...

Oh, you don't know anybody that works here or...

Sorry, I just called a number then.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fucking penis, yes!

Be sure to visit us online at Madhouse Radio.

How fucking stupid are you if you haven't figured out that we're on live Tuesday nights, Thursday nights?

I guess I haven't.

I just said something else.

Anyway, all right, so let's do the next prank call here.

Tabachi sent in a number for a tattoo shop.

He said they're funny.

Yeah!

That's the kind of pranks I like, funny ones.

Let's try that.

A $50 promotion and shit.

Take advantage of that.

50?

$50?

Anything like 50, sir.

No one cares about 50 cents anymore.

I've noticed.

Sucks.

So let me just...

Hey, yeah, you guys still got that $50 promotion going on?

You still have the $50 promotion going on?

Yeah, um, when were you looking to come down?

Well, you're probably closing pretty soon.

I got this intricate tattoo that I want.

Yeah, if you want to come by tomorrow, we could probably check it out and see what we can do.

All right, so is there a limit to this?

I want the tattoo to cover, like, my shoulder blades and halfway down to the small of my back.

For $50, I think that's a pretty good deal.

Well, for an hour, it's going to be for an hour.

It's not going to be for the whole tattoo.

It says, Dave, my friend told me that for the tattoo is $50.

You can do this fast enough.

I don't care about details.

Just, you know.

Well, bring it by, and then we can check it out tomorrow.

It's $0.50.

$0.50?

Yeah, I want a tattoo of $0.50.

The whole person?

Yeah, the whole person.

I want him, like, on my shoulder blades.

He's going to have his arms out like Jesus Christ.

And then going down, and I want birds around the sides, like pigeons.

Yeah, I can't do that for $50.

I think you posted it wrong because it was, like, for $50 an hour.

No, it says $50 full tattoo promotion, including the cream afterwards, it says here.

The cream, you know, you got to put that cream on you afterwards, the cream, because it gets your skin gets infected.

Yeah, but I think you posted it wrong, whoever you're seeing it.

Well, listen, between me and you, I'm going to come down there,

and you're going to give me a tattoo for $50,

and it's going to be a 50 cents in the back.

He's my hero.

I met 50 cents once at Lollapalooza.

The guy's awesome.

He's a genius.

You know he was a...

Okay, well, I got to go.

I can't do that, though.

Shut up, Mr. Horse.

Do you know that he won an Academy Award?

Award?

Huh?

Hello?

Hello, sir?

He was good friends with six...

You're so white, Milkman.

You're so fucking white.

Hello?

Yeah?

I'm not playing that shit.

I'm playing that West Coast bullshit.

What are you talking about, nigga?

The West Coast, man.

I play Biggie Smalls.

Biggie Smalls is the best in the West.

Please leave your message for 4-0.

I was a West Coast... I was an East Coast homie myself growing up, man.

during that whole war.

You're a sellout, dude,

because you're from...

You're from Virginia

and you lived in the Virgin Islands

and you sold out to the West Coast

because you moved out there.

You're like Tupac.

That's a Tupac there.

Tupac was from New York originally,

you know,

and then he got put in jail.

He got fucked in the ass.

You gotta be smart, man.

You gotta move where the plate...

You know, Tupac,

you know, he got raped in jail,

you know?

I'm not kidding you.

I'm not being Carlito bullshit.

He got raped in jail

like four times, they said.

And then Suge Knight's the guy

that bailed him out.

He made the deal to get him out

He said, I'll get you out, but you got to do four albums for me and shit.

And when it was coming to that fourth album, that's when he, you know, he died.

They got him shot.

And they still say Suge Knight has something to do with it.

I don't know.

I just don't understand how a guy gets shot up in the middle of LA, the Vegas Strip, and there's like no suspects.

How does that happen?

After a huge Mike Tyson fight, this guy just gets shot up in the middle of the Vegas Strip and like no one saw nothing.

Okay.

Tabachi for the numbers.

I saw you sent a few. Some other people sent in some more numbers.

I've been doing them.

Milkman!

Fuckin' baby!

Those rock music over water.

Oh my god.

Milkman, do you know what they're saying?

Do you know what he's saying?

Do you know the lyrics?

I knew that's what you were gonna say.

Sounds fuckin' killer, dog.

How many times?

Love that song, California.

It's California love.

Yeah, man.

California.

So fuckin' old.

Alright, we got an email here.

Someone said, hey, Carlito, here's a script that I once used to sell timeshares.

UK people get really mad with cold calls, even more at 4 in the morning.

Yeah, good call, man.

All right.

That's a good one, actually.

We're going to use that in just a moment.

That's awesome.

We've got a script here for telemarketing calls.

We'll do that.

We'll wake them up in just a little bit.

We're going to save that.

Thank you, sir.

Appreciate it.

Wherever you are out there.

All right, listen, JFK is Jack, good friend of the show.

Hubba Bubba, yeah, you know, my dad got that recently.

Yeah, they do.

It's gum, it's real, it's a juicy can of it.

Milkman, Milkman, they make it, yes.

Yes, my dad got some online recently.

Where?

He was a big fan of Hubba Bubba in the 80s.

Yeah.

Yeah, he asked me, and I found it for him.

There's a website out there that sells old-school candy,

and they've got Hubba Bubba bubblegum.

Yeah, you can find it.

All right.

I'm giving up.

Well, fuck him.

He's not down with the West.

That's right.

Anyway, listen, shut up.

You know what?

You're done.

All right, cool.

JFK is Jack, good friend of the show, as I was saying.

He made one of those McKinnon M&M's with the Kiss My Pussy prank call.

It's over on YouTube.

YouTube, check it out.

He'll link you if you're in the chat room.

It's in the forums.

I created a link to it.

JFK is jacked.

Quiet.

He sent in a number.

A Spanish woman who has a really easily jealous boyfriend.

And we got the Facebook also.

Cool.

Let me check out the Facebook.

Milkman, would you stop playing that for the love of God?

You think that's what the song is about?

Yeah, dude.

Look, man, let me welcome everybody to the wild, wild west,

a city that's untouchable like Elliot Ness.

Elliot Ness.

You probably don't even know, who's Elliot Ness?

Do you even know who that is?

Untouchables?

Yeah.

The movie?

That's what he's saying.

Yes, hi.

How are you?

Hello.

This is Elliot Ness.

How are you doing, sir?

Listen, I had to ask you about Cheryl.

Hello?

Yeah, Cheryl?

She went home for a while.

She went home for a while?

Who is this?

Listen, I left my wedding ring inside of her.

I was touching her private parts.

I was fingering her, and my wedding ring must have come off

because I can't find it.

My wife's going to kill me.

Okay, I don't care about that.

Huh?

Can you ask her?

Can you call her for me and ask her about that?

I'll give you her number, but she don't tell you everything.

Huh?

She doesn't tell you everything?

I'll give you her number, but don't tell him you got it from me.

Oh, okay.

But you understand what I'm saying?

I put my fingers inside her vagina, and my ring came off of my finger.

Yeah, you got a point.

What's the number?

It's 219-260.

Hang on, hang on.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, dear.

219.

218.

Uh-huh.

213.

And 260.

What?

260-9723.

And what's the area code?

208.

209?

218.

260-9723.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

All right.

All right, so what do you recommend, you know, for that?

If it's lost up, do you think it might get up in her fallopian tubes?

I never had that shit opportunity before.

You never lost anything and said that big pussy of yours at all?

No, who is this?

This is Elliot Ness.

No.

No?

Oh, okay.

Ask my man.

Is that dangerous?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

This is Elliot.

Who's this?

This old Melody's man.

Yeah, listen, I was fingering Cheryl, and I lost my wedding ring up inside of her,

so I need to get it back before my wife finds out.

He's like, duh.

All right.

He got it.

Hell no.

All right.

You sound like Dr. Dre.

Hell no.

You're giving it to Freddy.

Full finger Freddy.

All right.

Four finger Freddy.

Four finger Freddy is what Reckless would do, Milkman.

Okay.

Well, Reckless.

Well, whatever.

All right.

Because you got big fat fingers and that's all you can fit in.

Is that why?

Yeah, Cory.

Seven, two, three.

Engage.

Yeah, you got to play a Cory call again.

And I still haven't heard of Dalek.

Any what?

Dalek.

I was playing Dalek.

I played fucking Dalek.

Stupid.

California love, man.

You can't even get your bands right.

He's so old, man.

I've got to take a look at the chair and see what's going on there.

I don't have it up on the screen right now.

Let's do this call first.

Cheryl.

Yeah.

Listen, I think my wedding ring is...

I think you have my wedding ring.

Right.

My wedding ring, I think you have it.

Who is this?

This is Elliot.

Who?

Elliot Ness.

I don't know who you are.

No, listen. When was the last time you used a bathroom?

I just did.

Okay, did anything come out?

No.

In a toilet?

No.

Like out of your vagina?

Because I have reason to believe when I was fingering you, my wedding ring slipped off and it stayed inside.

Hello? Hello, sir?

She hung up really quick.

Three fingers, baby.

I had four at first.

It's in your fanny.

Started out with four, came back out with three.

Hi, I just received a call from you, but I'm not available right now.

You just received a call from me.

No shit.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Stupid.

On the business, you went into the bathroom,

and then answered even if nothing fell out.

Yeah.

That was pretty gameful there, you know?

You get asked that on a regular basis on the phone, number one,

and B, would you respond so politely and willingly?

And for all intents and purposes, she should have hung right up on that call.

It wasn't that I didn't do that good.

You should have never made it that far.

What a smart girl. Good for her.

Alright, well, thank you, JFKs. Jack, we did something with that.

It is what it is.

Not everybody has their cell phone number. Have fun with that, folks.

Free finger Freddy and Franny.

That was a Spanish woman named Cheryl.

Alright, we got a...

Rich sent in a number here in Jersey.

Right enough.

You haven't done a Jack Masterson call, either.

I'll play a Funkadillac song in a second.

Alright, listen. Question here on the request of Frank.

Frank, have you ever watched the show Monk or seen the movie Rat Race?

I never watched Monk, but I have seen Rat Race.

It's a good movie.

Rat Race, Milkman, it's, I don't know.

Have you ever seen the movie?

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, old classic movie.

It's like my dad's favorite movie of all time.

Rat Race is like a remake of that.

Anyway, it's a good movie.

It's got the record, I believe, for most Academy Award winners in a single movie, as a matter of fact.

It's got, like, Cuba Gooding Jr. and, uh, I don't know, a bunch of them.

Anyway, this guy was the creator and head writer of both.

He also does a radio show in New Jersey on Wednesdays at 6 p.m.

Tell him I am a big fan and have a movie he'd be interested in writing or whatever other ideas I have, okay?

What's his name?

I don't have his name.

Well, I guess I could just say something.

I mean, I don't have his name.

I'm about to go find out who wrote Rat Race the movie.

be sounds like a lot of work nunu has sent in numbers also everybody before we start panicking

remember nunu sent in numbers his name is andy beckham gotcha 10-4 okay andy beckham thank you

and of course nunu repeating again in the chat room that yes we know he sent in numbers all right

milkman parliament funkadelic uh any suggest any requests i got their whole discography here

let's take it you got the ones that have weed funk on it i don't know you tell me what's it

it called let's take it to the people uh if it don't fit don't force it ah that's a good one

if it don't fit don't force it this sounds fun uh back in our minds uh can you get to that

funky woman some more come up man name a funkadelic song you want or i won't play it

i'm listening to what you're naming so far sexy ways biological speculation funky dollar bill

Bill, side effects, foot soldiers, you and your...

Hey, how you doing?

What?

Un-funky UFO.

Un-funky UFO, okay.

Damn.

I don't have a...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Okay.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Let me get it, hang on.

Here we go.

I got four or five...

I got like five versions of it that you sent me.

This is the old...

Yo, Bill, I'm a funky UFO, I'm a funky UFO.

There you go.

This one goes out to Milkman's mom.

Give us the best gum jobs in all of Virginia.

We'll be right back with the next prank of the night.

This is Andy, please message.

Hey Andy, this is Valente. I was calling and interested. Your number was given to me by Gary Busey. I'm trying to pitch an idea for a movie. It's a story of Parliament, Funkadelic, and George Clinton. It starts off with Emmett Till being hanged in Chicago. And it just gives a story about how you get up in the mothership.

Yeah!

dancing in cocaine use let me know if you're interested thanks if you are satisfied with your

message press one to listen to your message press two to erase and re-record press three to continue

recording where you left off press four message review hey andy this is valente i was calling

and uh interested i was uh your number was given to me by gary bucey i'm trying to pitch an idea

for a movie it's a story of parliament funkadelic and george clinton it starts off with emmett till

all being hanged in Chicago.

And it just gives a, you know,

story about how you get up in a mothership.

Yeah!

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

It's a lot of booty dancing and cocaine use.

I don't know if you're interested. Thanks.

If you are satisfied with your message,

press 1 to listen to your message.

Press 1 to send your message with normal delivery.

Press 1 to send your message with urgent delivery.

Press 2. Thank you.

Your message has been sent. Goodbye.

There you go. Hopefully Andy Beckham enjoys that.

Yep, I know I will.

That's just a goofy-ass fucking message.

All right, there you go.

Very important.

Thank you, Milkman.

You always got my back.

I love you, bro.

Jack K's Jack.

Coming in 2012.

The most returning movie ever made by Jack Palante.

No way, dude.

I would so watch a George Clinton movie.

If they could make a movie about Ray.

If they could make a movie about George Clinton, man.

Painting the White House black, motherfucker.

motherfucker that would be awesome i'll pay to see that movie you know what movie needs to get

made milkman i'm really hope one day they make a james brown movie the story of james brown you

know that's got to be fucking crazy because that guy was nuts have you ever heard chris rock talking

about james brown and all that shit and a richard pryor movie would be pretty cool too there's a lot

of biopics i'm hoping start coming out soon people that have passed in the last five ten years uh

richard pryor would be a good one richard pryor is dead isn't he is he dead isn't he dead yeah

Yeah, he did.

Oh, yeah.

He died back, what,

when was he on the show in 2007?

2005.

No, first year of the show,

2005, 2006.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Daddy Rich.

Yeah, Richard Pryor movie,

James Brown movie would be good.

Any other ideas, let me know.

We'll pitch him over there

to Andy Beckham

so we can bend it.

Oh, no, battery warning.

All right, everybody,

this is Madhouse Radio.

You're listening to

Madhouse Radio

live on the air.

You can see we have

some prank calls here

in just a moment.

Milkman is here, driving away.

He lost his fare.

And if you want to send in your requests,

continue doing so over at the Request a Prank page

over at MadHouseLive.com.

And I am, of course, on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger,

MadHouse Radio, MSN Messenger, MadHouseAtLive.com,

MadHouse on Twitter, and yeah.

Let's take a look and see what prank calls next here.

AMD's here, Milkman, your friend.

True.

Did you ever get a hold of him on Facebook?

You knew he was looking for you last week.

He was mentioning specifically he wanted to talk to you on Facebook, fucker.

I've got another Parliament Funkadelic song on there for you in the middle of it, alright?

Sorry for the wait. I'm getting the next number here in front of me.

Just a moment. Just a moment.

If you have any suggestions for the show, let me know. Anything we can change.

Oh yeah, that reminds me.

We're not going to do any foreign...

Other than the UK, we're not going to go super crazy with the foreign numbers today.

But next week I would like to go ahead and call some...

You know, we've called Iran in the past, and China, and Vietnam.

We've had some fun.

We tried to call North Korea once

But the best we could do was a North Korean embassy

In Japan

Anyway

There is a new poll over at Madhouse

On the website if you're in the chat room

It's on the bottom

Contribute to the poll

Also you can go to madhouselive.com

Forward slash poll

Got a listing of

Troublemaking foreign countries in the news

Lately we've got Russia, Libya, Syria

Iran and China

China. Go ahead and place your vote

for who you'd like us to prank here in the next

before the end of September

is out. In one of our September shows

we've got about two left here, I believe, after

tonight's show. I'm going to plan

to do some prank calls here to one of those countries.

We've always had fun with Iran.

I believe Iran currently is the

front runner.

Followed by China, I believe.

I don't know. I haven't looked at the voting

as of this afternoon.

But anyway, vote in the Madhouse poll, why don't you?

We've got a taxi counter at the

the airport in Vienna, Austria. Milkman,

I might be right up your alley. Okay, let's call

him, man. How much is it there? I'll have to

find out. You'll have to find out.

We got a number for an angry

hooker named Sophia.

We're to call her asking about a frequent

customer named Josh

who used to bully the gentleman

in high school. Can you recommend

this angry hooker? What's that?

An angry hooker named Sophia, and we're supposed to ask

about Josh, a friend that used to bully him

in high school. Alright, let's work

work with that that's fine i like it it's saucy to get the hell beat out of me when i was young

and then i beat the hell out of everybody when i got big has someone listening from montreal

canada home of the expos i'm asking what was the name of the song i don't know what song

were you asking about i'm funky ufo i i just caught your im sir let me know what point in

the show was the song and i will gladly help you out someone did ask uh our friend from scotland

was asking, pretty soon

in the forums at madhouselive.com

I will be posting the different

songs and intros

and outros and stuff like that that we play in the show

here regularly.

So be on the lookout for that. What the fuck is this?

Yeah, we ain't already in how many

moons, bro? I don't know. I don't know how many

moons. Emmy's feeling left out.

We'll get to him. Alright, let's call the Anger Hooker.

Be right back. Anger Hooker, coming up.

I've been here a little while, yeah.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press

Yeah, hi, I was calling about Josh.

If you get a chance, please give me a call back.

You got that number there on your caller ID.

Thank you, dear.

And in the meantime, here's a little bit of permanent fuckadelic for you, I ask.

We're clear?

No answer there?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm milking.

Yeah, yeah, I'm milking.

I'm making my own way.

I'm milking.

Anyway, moving right along.

That's a more prank phone.

Man, they just really smacked it up, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

AMD sent in the script.

I thought I remembered that.

I think I remember him sending that once before.

Sounds good.

AMD?

AMD has the UK script, the script to sell timeshares from the UK.

He sent in a script that he used to use at his work.

So I got a copy of that, as I mentioned before.

We're going to be calling that in a second.

All right, let's go ahead and mosey on over to Nunu,

see what numbers he sent over.

Before that, I do got to stretch my feet.

I got to stretch my feet.

Got to stretch my legs.

And in order to do that, I'm going to have to play a prank call, I believe.

I'm sorry, folks.

But the doctor told me I got to stand up every once in a while.

But no problem, we can play the other prank call from last week.

This one's called Ginsu Knives, or is it Jinsu? I don't know.

Oh, Ginsu Knives.

You were here for that one, Milkman.

Since we're going to be doing some telemarketing calls here in a little bit to the UK.

Here we go, Ginsu Knives, everybody. We'll be back in a moment with more prank calls.

Addison.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. Listen, I got a report here.

You're not supposed to call people on the do not call list.

What's that?

You're not supposed to call people on the do not call list.

For what?

At your job, you know you're not supposed to call people on a do-not-call list, right?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, there's a do-not-call list that you're not supposed to call, but you called my mom.

She complained because she keeps getting calls from your company, and she keeps making a track of it.

And after 30 days of being on the do-not-call list, if she gets a sales call or a telemarketing call,

then there's a civil case that can happen because of that.

Wait, I haven't even started working or anything yet.

Are you talking about the gaming center or what?

No, no.

They had you down.

You were going to be giving a call tomorrow to my mom on the list.

I don't know what you're talking about because I'm not working or anything.

Well, whenever you're starting working, they have her down as one of the accounts that you're going to be calling to try to sell to.

You understand?

What's her name?

Her name is Valente.

Diana Valente.

Diana Valente?

Yes.

Okay.

If you dare call her, I'm going to put such a lawsuit on you personally.

I've got some personal information of yours already.

ready and then if you actually if the call goes through um if it rings more than twice to her

number then i'm going to have a lawsuit against you because i'm giving you fair warning that

you're not supposed to call my um call her at all yeah i really don't know like how i don't

know what you're talking about because i haven't even like worked or anything i don't even know

like how to do it or anything like i'm not even supposed to call tomorrow or anything because

i'm not working there tomorrow or anything doing that kind of stuff you must have the wrong person

When do you start working, then?

I start training next week at the center for work,

but I haven't even started working at all or anything.

I think the best thing you do is you don't even go to that

because even just going into that,

if somehow you end up calling my mom,

there's going to be a lawsuit against you.

And it's just serious stuff.

This is a pretty serious business, sir.

So I've got your last name.

I got your last name as...

Yeah, what's your name?

This is Cross.

This is who?

Cross. My name's Cross.

Cross?

Yeah, my mom is Diane Valente.

Valente is her last name?

Yeah, Diane Valente.

This is Cross Valente.

Listen.

Diane Valente, okay.

How'd you get my number?

It was given to me by my lawyer.

He's metering out.

He found they infiltrated the organization you're going to be working for,

and they found that my mother's number is in the list of people

that you're going to be calling,

and you're going to be in charge of calling.

Okay, well, I'll make sure I don't have a call.

caller. I need to get a little information

from you, though. First of all,

what is your social security

number? I'm not going to give you that

information, sorry. I have it here already.

You just have to confirm it for me.

No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to give out that information

to you. Okay. All right.

And you haven't started working yet? Yeah. You haven't been paid

any wages yet by the...

Hi,

can I help you with this?

Hello?

You haven't been paid any wages yet?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Who is this?

Is it a different person?

This is Addison's dad.

Why don't you identify yourself when you first say hello like that?

Well, I want to know what you're talking about and why you're harassing my son.

Well, Addison is in a little bit of trouble because he was getting ready to place a call to someone on the do not call list,

and my lawyer let me know through an infiltration of the records of that organization that he was getting ready to make a call,

and they've been making harassing calls without permission while they're on the federal do not call list.

So I'm looking for a little bit of information for the lawsuit.

Yeah, when was this, though?

Bastard's son. I'm sorry?

When was this?

The infiltration was earlier tonight.

Yeah, he hasn't even worked at any call center or anything.

He just has been here at home and starts school on Monday and starts training at center on Thursday.

Yeah, see, what happens is they assigned him a list of numbers to call already.

Right, and he hasn't called anybody.

Well, we have someone on the inside who was watching out for this.

So we're asking him to cooperate with us first so we can take them down.

Well, tell you what, he hasn't made a single call to anybody because he hasn't been employed.

And so what I would like is maybe your phone number and social security number.

Well, I won't give you my social security number.

I don't know why you're asking me for that.

That's private information.

Well, then that's exactly what you're asking my son for.

Well, because this is for a lawsuit, you see.

Well, my son hasn't filed a lawsuit because he hasn't made a phone call to anybody.

Well, I represent him.

He hasn't worked at this place.

Yeah, but he filled out a W-2.

He filled out a W-2, sir, but he hasn't worked one second at that place.

He hasn't even filled out a W-2 there.

Well, they're processes papers. I don't understand.

I'll tell you what. You give me your phone number.

You want to give me your phone number?

Here's what I'm offering.

Okay, yes, I will give you my phone number, but before that, here's what I'm offering.

We can get him out of this trouble if he enrolls in Privacy Guard now.

It's $39.99 for the first month.

No, no, I'm sorry.

After 30 days.

We're done.

Free trial.

Well, wait, there's more.

No, we're done.

If he acts now.

Goodbye.

If he acts now, we'll be willing to send him the Ginsu knives.

Beautiful dovetail.

Thank you for that comment, Milkman.

you're listening to madhouse radio uh we're gonna do a little a few more prank calls here for taking

a break a formal break as it is a mandatory fcc uh ordered break and uh yeah uh let's see amd has

sent in his master list back in his telemarketing days i'm looking at three numbers from nunu we got

one for a supermodel who's currently being sued by the police or something she has bad teeth

apparently she's in the uk that's probably why she has bad teeth uh let's see what else he's

sent in here uh a musician who sounds like he's deaf okay cool and a woman on facebook he sent

in a whole bunch of information about her and um her facebook profile profile says she's engaged

but also that she's interested in men he suggested we ask her if she's a slut good idea we'll start

off with that one i think nunu with your permission thank you sir it's called the possible slut her

Her name is Caitlin.

She lives in the United States of America.

Once again, I hope you all are having a great night.

MadHouseLive.com is the website.

This is MadHouse Radio, something that we do every Thursday night.

If you are listening live for the first time, thank you.

What took you so goddamn long?

Milkman and Carlito are back.

Milkman's rapping over there.

Milkman's rapping.

Milkman, let me welcome everybody to the wild, wild west.

A state that's untouchable like alien nests

Lord was like, yeah, I know that song, that's so cool

Originally was the blind piano guy

Then it was Will Smith and Timberland, I think

Hello

Caitlyn? Caitlyn?

Hello, Caitlyn

Mr. Monson.

Hello.

Please leave your message for...

Mr. Burgess.

Remember those prank calls, Mr. Burgess?

Which I'm pretty sure were fake.

Oh, yeah.

Those were fake, right?

Weren't they fake?

No.

You don't think so?

Is that the one that you wanted to strike on, baby?

No.

What are you talking about?

Some old radio station and...

Oh, he's the one that did Black Car.

Yeah, the Black NASCAR and stuff like that.

Mr. Burgess.

Yeah, that was in an Orlando radio station.

Oh, that's where I heard it originally.

way before pcu and shit oh well anyway the wild wild west yeah it was a will smith song but before

that it was stevie wonder i believe all right we got a number for a musician as i said before let's

try that out here let's say hi to everybody who's checking in the chat room today uh milkman this is

who you're missing out on carlito's there what's up big fat guy and nunu of course holding things

down rbcp proprietor of the phone losers uh amd's in there what's up big guy we were talking about

by him just earlier.

Dark Stranger,

Herbal Bacon,

JFK's Jack,

who we talked about before.

Big Jill.

Big Jill the cross-dresser.

MSG3 Clay,

Richie Randall Stubbets

is there.

MSG3.

Yep.

Big Scott with a K.

K for Klan.

Tabachi,

very talented prank caller.

Tabachi on the tablet.

Tabachi showing off

that it's got,

I'm guessing,

a gingerbread tablet there

or maybe an iPad.

Good for you.

Show off.

Big Tuck.

Tuckermike.com.

hi buddies.com checking in what's up man how you doing bro too bad tuck and milk bank can't get

along they can't coexist anymore and the n as in the nigga in there also hi to all of you thanks

for joining in the chat room tonight everybody who's listening live be sure to check the chat

room out even if you're not listening live you know if you're listening on the podcast when you

get a chance you know jump in there and say hey what's up i saw a turd burglar was out there go

for it to jump in there who knows maybe i'll maybe i'll respond i don't work i'm gonna start

start working in about a week and a half though apparently i got the call from the boss man

he's like carlito you're ready to work and like yes sir i got the note from the doctor right here

he's like all right i'll put you in all right thanks coach thank you ah shit you know i just

remembered put me in coach i'm ready to play centerfield you know i just remembered dude um

i forgot to check uh my fantasy football team and there's a thursday night game this week i think

there were two of them no just one your fancy football team oh my goodness oh my god

That sounds pretty fancy.

Holy shit.

Anyway, well, it's early in the season.

It can't be that bad.

I lost, dude.

Milkman, I lost by three points in the Madhouse Radio Fantasy Football.

I just wanted to mention.

Andy lost to Big Evil already.

I was winning by 63 points after the Sunday night games.

63 points over Eric, Madhouse listener in front of mine.

And he only had one player left, Tom Brady, for the New England Patriots quarterback.

uh was playing monday night and i even talked to him on the phone i was like hey man you know

well he was like yeah i guess you beat me unless just some miraculous historical game you know on

monday night okay whatever so then we talked again monday night you know and he was like yeah you

know we're both watching the game and it was the first half was over and nothing really was

happening he hadn't really no points yet and he basically said yeah i guess you did beat me unless

something historical happens here like yeah sure enough so i stopped paying attention to the game

him, I figure I win. Next thing I know,

Evil already calls me. He's like, dude,

you just lost to Eric. I'm like,

what? He's like, yeah. Tom Brady

scored 69

fantasy football points and lost by

three points after winning by over

60 points. In the scope of 90

minutes, I went from

winning handily to losing by three

points. The first game of the fantasy

football season in the Madhouse Radio

League. I'm not happy. Happy at

all. In my

minor league fantasy football team,

Yeah, so, yeah, my other team lost as well, thanks to Monday Night Play.

Lonesome Loser actually was the big winner of the week.

He won by the biggest margin.

Yeah, he won by the biggest margin against, I forget who, one of the listeners, I believe.

Who do you got, the Steelers or the Cowboys?

No, Milkman, you pick players from all the teams.

You have your own draft.

So you can have, you know, players from, you know, two Steelers players.

Steelers suck, dude.

Dude, I know you're a Colts fan, but they got their asses handed to them, man.

They lost like 34-0.

They got their asses beat last week, dude.

No, not fun not having Peyton Manning.

They really got a shellacking on Sunday afternoon, dude.

Hopefully Peyton Manning returns to the Colts.

All I got to say for your organization, man.

But the team that I'm supporting right now, the Chicago Bears,

did pretty good against the Falcons.

And Michael Vick had a pretty good game against, well, for Philadelphia.

I forgot who they played.

Who did Philly play?

Michael Vick did okay.

Looked a little slow.

But still had a decent game.

That's the NFL report for you.

Anyway, let's call that next prank call here.

I get, like, my favorite cheerleaders, too.

I like the UK people, like, this is gay.

Market football's gay.

You wear pads.

Whatever.

You can't use your hands in your game.

Who's gay there?

Faggot.

All right, doing that next call from Noo Noo.

Speaking of gay UKers.

At the second half of the show, we'll be calling the UK.

Okay, do some telemarketing wake-up calls and the rest of your requests as well.

Anyway, we're calling the Civil Rights Defender musician guy.

Yeah, I can't believe Evil Artie beat Andy like that, man.

Andy's not happy.

Andy's a not happy camper.

He lost to Evil Artie.

Lost to the likes of him.

Evil Artie's out of control, man.

Tell him.

Called me 2 o'clock in the morning last night.

I about took the cell phone, threw it against the wall, got so mad.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

is not available

at the tone. Please record your message.

When you have finished recording,

you may hang up or press 1

for more options.

Hello, Mr. Civil Rights Musician. Please give us a call back.

We'd like to see if you'd like to star in a movie

about Parliament Funkadelic. Thank you.

I hate people to breathe like that, like a big fat

like me. Anyway, this show's going over fast.

It is 11.30. That means it's

time for our break of the night.

We're going to take a five-minute break here.

When we come back, more numbers to the UK,

United Kingdom that is

United Kingdom and Protectorates and Commonwealth

Milkman will be with us

your requests are always welcome

we're going to call the UK quite a bit I believe

here this second half that's my prediction

we'll be starting off with the British

model who was on trial for assaulting

a police officer in London

British model with black teeth and

plenty of numbers to people

who are asleep right now in the UK

we'll be waking them up with telemarketing pitches

and keep sending in those requests everybody

And as always, MadHouseLive.com is the website.

MadHouse Radio on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, MadHouseAtLive.com.

Milkman, are you going to be with us for the second half, or are you going to head out?

What's your status?

No status from the Milkman.

Milkman's taking a shit right now.

Well, we'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere, folks.

Be right back.

Right back.

And I would ask that your precious wash and clean stain is in the seas of God's forgetfulness, never to be remembered against me.

It is. I know where I'm just from, man.

Most mysterious books ever written is the Book of Revelation or the Apocalypse.

This book reveals the future of the world and your part in it.

The book of Revelation, the last book in your Bible, features apocalyptic symbols and secrets called Madhouse.

Madhouse Radio will be right back.

When you die, put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

ever make you who you are.

What the fuck?

Fuck the wild street

and mock the shit.

New York, New York,

ready for the likes of this.

May 21st.

All right, everybody, we're back.

Belly fat girls wrapped around my neck.

Mad Jordan, that is going to be a bad boy.

All right, everybody, this is Carlito and Milkman.

Milkman.

All right, everybody, and we're here, we're back.

Thanks for hanging in there

Milkman was talking all this time about

Cassette tapes and now he's on answer anymore

He couldn't get him to shut up

So what were you saying Milkman

Cassette tapes

90 minutes

Now, 90 minutes, okay, they made a thinner tape and a cassette tape for the 120-minute ones,

but they had worse quality.

I remember after a while, they'd get all really bad.

Well, it wasn't so much quality, dude.

It's just that the tape was thinner, and as tape gets used, it would stretch.

Oh, good.

And when it stretched, dude, then the reels would not load,

what would not reel back in properly

because there was time

that, you know,

that amount of tape

would not, you know,

would see properly

if he stretched out

and one part would be thinner

and the other part

would be a little thicker

and black.

The fidelity wasn't quite as good either

because the tape was thinner

and skinnier.

You know, there was only

a four-track tape

and one of three 16th-inch.

All right.

So now explain that.

You're saying it was a four-track tape,

you know, so it was all

like an eight-track tape then?

what do you mean by that exactly yeah the fourth track you had you had a side a side b stereo

so it was two two stereo channels one direction two stereo channels on the other side of the tape

the other direction yeah so were eight track tapes better quality than the regular cassette

tapes oh hell yeah yeah the eight track was the best quality of all of them other than real to

real okay that's why our eight tracks were so popular man was because they sounded so good

okay okay better not better than vinyl right vinyl still good well no vinyl would be your best

probably in that in the in the medium of course yeah so so what is the best for study uh quality

vinyl you know as soon as vinyl got deteriorated it sounded like shit you know scratching but

what's the best quality is is um is vinyl right isn't is that true am i correct when i say that

Yeah, because vinyl is analog.

There's no digital sampling, dude.

It's analog.

It's pure waves, ups and downs, is what we're saying, right?

There's no sampling.

There's nothing being missed out in between.

All the sound is being there.

So what was the big move to move over to CDs?

Because they used to say digital quality and digital quality.

Is it because it would have messed up?

Because digital quality, first off, you didn't have the noise floor.

that you had on a turntable.

Cheaper to make?

Number one.

Number two, you had instant,

you had non-linear track points.

So, like, you could play any song

in any order you want.

You didn't have to move the needle around.

Okay, yeah, you could just go right back.

Before you had to move the needle,

you could, like, when you had it on cassette,

you couldn't, say, play song one,

and then four, and then two,

and then 11.

Yeah, you know,

I was thinking about that the other day.

You'd have to kind of,

I remember, I remember,

you'd have to kind of find it on there.

It was all linear.

Remember, tape and records were all linear.

Yep, you had to kind of...

Everything was straight line, one after another.

Yeah, but I had a car that had a cassette player in it

that you could hit a button,

it would go to the beginning of the track, though.

It would go track by track.

And I guess it looked for the silence, right?

Well, okay, after a while,

they started doing this with, like,

recording industry started actually putting in their tapes,

like a one or two second pause between songs.

The original old tapes and stuff didn't have all that, but they started doing that because

this sensor would look for when it was cueing to the tape forward or reversing to the post,

it would look for two seconds of silence with no amplitude coming off the tape.

And then it would say, ah, okay, that's the end of the track.

Yeah, that was something that was available, but it was still not only, it was still in

there you had to wait for the tape to wind all the way to that's true you still had to you still

had to wind you had to wait it didn't just skip immediately you couldn't just put like

the madhouse you know i got to keep on hitting it over and over yep you had to wind every time

you had the the the the madhouse yeah the madhouse okay all that went away everything

Everything became on-line and digital.

And noise was super low.

Okay, all right.

Then you get a great high-end, too.

So it started out vinyl records, and then it went to 8-track tapes and cassette tapes and CDs,

and then digital.

Like, they tried to do mini-discs for a while.

It actually was to reel-to-reel before it went to 8-track.

Oh, okay.

All right, but mini-discs tried...

Reel-to-reel was first.

Mini-discs tried again.

Sony tried the mini-disc thing, and it never took off.

It just...

The digital took over.

Minidisc was after CDs, right?

Didn't they try Minidisc for a while?

Yeah, actually I got several Minidisc players.

My original collection in the 90s, everybody had CDs, I had Minidisc.

Radio stations used a lot of Minidisc from what I understand.

What I understand, a lot of the TV industry went beta also.

Home use went VHS, the TV industry all went beta.

Beta was, you know, I wasn't television for a long time.

It first started out with just a half-inch, you know, the VTR tapes, you know,

videotape recording tapes.

That was standard for the industry from the 60s to the 90s, it's tape.

It looks like a VHS tape, only it's probably about two inches,

maybe two and a half inches wider.

instead of three-quarter-inch, I said, well, let me think.

What the fuck was three-quarter-inch?

All right, well.

It was three-quarter-inch tape.

Enough of that, Bill.

Enough of that.

All right, let's continue moving on.

Half-inch was VHS, so it was wider.

It was thicker.

And then after they went from that, then they started using beta,

but not everybody uses beta.

But the really important part about beta is you get your frame sync right

Right, because beta is done in frames.

The counter runs in frames.

You lost me, Milkman.

Well, the VTR basically ran in inches, okay?

It gave you a number.

I'll run you in inches, you bitch, okay?

Listen, enough.

We got Lonesome Loser checking in.

That's more important things to talk about.

I know I love you, Milkman.

There's very little tape being used anymore.

I know.

Milkman, you should teach a class at a community college about tape, all right?

Well, actually, I witnessed the whole evolution in my time.

I put the first digital playback system on back in the old days, in the 90s, man.

Back then, what Benedeck Broadcasting used to be, you know,

the biggest privately owned broadcast network in the United States.

I helped to debug and build the original stuff.

All the Fastbrick installations, yeah, there was like 18 of them.

And I put the very first one on the air, man.

I don't know why, 1994.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Pushed a button.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.

And we went from tapes on air to all commercials there and being on tapes to commercials being on a hard drive.

Yeah, uh-huh, si, uh-huh, como, claro, si, si.

Now they come into me.

Claro, si, clear, very clear.

Lonesome Loser sending in a lot of numbers for Domino's Pizza.

I have no idea.

He's got something.

I guess he had a bad experience.

Well, that a good filler.

Well, that a good filler, bro.

There's something wrong with Domino's Pizza and Lonesome Loser.

Let's call them.

I'm having some Papa John's Pizza.

All right.

And that was it, man.

That was good filler, right?

Jesus Christ, man.

Shut up about the tape.

Oh, man.

Should I rewind?

Thanks for choosing Domino's Pizza.

Open daily at 10 a.m.

Today's special is two large pizzas with one free topping on each for just $18.99.

Or lock in our best value with three of our featured American Legends of the Month.

Can you shit on it, man?

Stick it in the oven?

I'm going to help you.

Yeah, hi.

Is this Domino's?

Yeah.

What happened?

What's...

I called in and it's sort of giving me a whole spiel.

What's that about?

Different specials that we have on.

You don't think I get enough of that?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Looking for a delivery or pickup tonight?

Looking for pickup.

Oh, kidding.

Because you people charge for delivery, don't you now?

Yeah, yeah, they charge for delivery.

Yeah, that's not fair.

What's your phone number?

You know, back in my day, back in my day when they had cassette tapes,

And if you didn't get your pizza in 30 minutes, it was free.

Remember that?

Yeah, from the 8-track days.

Yeah, well, I'm from the...

Milkman, my friend Milkman's on the line.

He's from before that.

He used to have reel-to-reel, right?

Milkman, tell them about the reel-to-reel.

Yeah, man, I have reel-to-reel.

All of my LPs are recorded onto the reel-to-reel.

What can I get you guys tonight?

Well, to be honest with you, I like one of those pizzas, you know,

with the new formula, you know, has the salty crust.

The garlic crust?

Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah, we got this.

I've got to get a phone number from you first before I get any farther.

The reel-to-reel was the best quality one.

It came after 8-Tracks.

Yeah.

Before 8-Tracks.

570 number?

Mm-hmm.

570.

888.

2435.

435.

And your name?

This is Valencia.

Where's that at?

What's the...

Hmm?

Oh, okay.

Salt Lake City.

What's that?

Salt Lake City.

Salt Lake City?

Yep.

This is Dixon City.

This is Pennsylvania.

Okay.

Yeah, I heard of it.

Yep.

Okay.

And you said you're going to be picking up the order?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah, the guy on the phone, he's a taxi driver.

Okay.

Yeah.

So we're going to be coming over to pick up that pizza.

What's the name?

We're going to put it under Valente.

Under what?

Valente.

So you got any vinyl records still?

You put Jack Masterson on there, too.

Valente?

V-A-L-E-N-T-A?

Uh-huh.

Where are you guys at now?

Milga, tell them about the 90 minutes versus the 120 minutes real quick.

Well, you know, the 120, 80, and the 90.

Where are you guys coming from to pick this up?

Front Lake City.

Yeah.

Where are you coming from?

No, no, I had a tour. We're doing a tour.

Hi, my name is, I'm the general manager. Can I help you?

Hey, yeah, we're calling about the 90-minute versus the 120-minute deal.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

I'm looking at a promotion here, 90 minutes versus 120 minutes, but the 90 minutes has better quality, it says.

I don't know what that means, sir.

Well, some general manager you are.

Well, you're saying 90 minutes, 120 minutes. I don't know what that means.

Well, it's free if you don't understand what it says here.

No, not at Domino's Pizza.

The service guarantee's been gone since 1993.

That's the problem with you people.

Would you like to order food, sir?

That's why we lost Vietnam.

Got a bunch of foreigners here selling pizza now.

I'm an Irishman from North Carolina.

Exactly.

You're not even American.

You're from Ireland.

Fucking foreigner.

Sir, would you like to order food?

Do you have whiskey over there?

Is that what you're doing?

Sir, I'm going to discontinue this phone conversation if you're not going to order food.

Okay, I'll order food.

I'm sorry.

You have to tell me where you're coming from first.

Salt Lake City?

No.

It has to be in Pennsylvania.

I can't take the order.

No, but this...

I'm from Salt Lake City, but I'm...

Where are you presently right now?

Main Street.

Main Street where?

What's the address?

118 Main Street.

I would have to be north or south.

North.

Whatever...

If you want, I'm in a taxi.

I can come wherever you want me to go.

What's his name?

What's your name?

This is Valente.

What's your name?

Valente.

Do you guys have the pepperoncinis?

We don't have pepperoncinis, no.

This sucks, man.

Totally sucks.

Maybe your competition does.

Maybe they do, but we don't have cappuccinos.

Who's better?

Sell me on this Delmonos pizza.

Like, what's better about it?

I don't have to sell you, sir.

If you'd like to make an order, make an order.

You don't want to sell pizza to me?

I'm ready to sell pizza to you.

All right.

Well, well, I'll put you above the competition.

Would you like to order, sir?

Yeah.

What's your mission?

Can I have your mission statement first?

No.

Okay.

All right.

I want ten large pizzas, pepperoni.

Okay, that's not happening, sir.

No sauce?

Come on.

You asked me if I want to order a pizza.

So, you want to talk business or what?

You're not talking business, sir.

If you're going to keep fooling around with me, I'm going to discontinue this phone conversation.

Okay, one large pizza.

Okay.

Anything on that?

What toppings do you have?

I have pepperoni, sausage, bacon, onions, green peppers, mushrooms, premium chicken, Philly steak.

Okay, I like that.

And ground beef.

I like that.

Black olives, diced tomatoes, spinach, pineapple, peppers, roasted red peppers.

Oh, I like that.

Jalapenos, banana peppers.

I like that.

Feta cheese, salami.

Mm-hmm. I like that. Okay. Do you have sausage?

Yes, we do.

Do you have Italian sausage?

Pardon me?

Is it Italian sausage?

I have a sliced sausage and Italian sausage, yes.

Does it have those little seeds in it?

I don't know.

Can you look at it for me? Let me know, because I'm allergic to fennel seeds.

Well, I don't know, sir.

Oh, come on. Open the book up. Do me a favor. Come on.

Come on. You're Irish. I'm Irish. Come on.

Order or don't order. Just do so, sir.

Order or don't order. Do so.

Stay the course.

All right.

I would like two large pepperoni pizzas.

No sauce.

Well done.

I would like a two liter of Coke Zero.

I don't have two liters of Coke Zero.

What do you have?

Pepsi?

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

What two liters do you have?

Pepsi products?

No, I have two liters of Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, and Sprite.

All right.

Two liters of Sprite and a two liter of Cherry Coke.

Excuse me.

All right.

So what do you got me down for so far?

Two?

Yeah, the two pepperoni, no sauce.

A two-liter bottle of Sprite, two-liter bottle of Coke.

All right.

Then I like two medium pizzas with sausage, the sliced sausage and salami, extra sauce, light on the cheese.

Two medium pizzas, extra sauce, light cheese.

And what else would you like on that, sir?

Extra sauce.

You just said light sauce.

You want extra sauce or light sauce?

Extra sauce, light on the cheese, sir.

Okay.

What else would you like on those two pizzas?

No, that's it.

And I like two Hawaiian pizzas.

What size, sir?

Large.

March. Okay. Okay. Do you have Philly cheese, Philly steak pizza, like a Philly cheese steak

style? Sure. All right. Three of those. How many pizzas are we up to now? You're up to

eight pizzas, nine pizzas. Nine. Okay. And for simplicity's sake, then just six more

medium pepperoni, black olive, and jalapeno. Okay. You're going to have to pay for this

with a credit card, sir. Okay. All right. You have to repeat those last two pizzas I

i didn't hear six uh pepperoni black olive and jalapeno can i get a total largest can i get a

total please pepperoni jalapeno and what pepperoni black olive and jalapeno love that spicy garlic

sauce you get the sauce the garlic sauce oh yes sir you have the garlic sauce okay i'll sit now

six what six you wanted six of those right yep i should make 15 pizzas you said i couldn't have

I couldn't afford, you said.

Okay, you've got 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 12 pizzas.

All right, that's fine.

I won't go with that.

I'm tired of this.

All right.

And I'm ready with the card number, whatever you are.

Okay.

4356.

Go ahead.

4300.

I missed the first few numbers, sir.

4356.

All right.

4300.

Uh-huh.

0156.

Okay.

5393.

Okay, expiration date?

12-12.

Billings of code for that card. Postal billings of code for that card.

3-2-8-0-8.

It's an invalid credit card number, sir. Would you like to try again?

No, no. I just wanted you to put it in.

Could you change the last two numbers to 4-5? We'll see if that one works.

Invalid credit card number.

All right. Change those numbers back and change the third and fourth number to 2-1.

Why don't you try giving me a completely different number again, sir?

No, no. No, no. This is my credit card.

Try again, sir.

4-3-5-6, 4-3-0-0, 0-1-5-8.

4-3-0-0, what's after that?

0-1-5-8.

Go ahead.

1-7-7-5.

5, okay.

And postal zip code?

3-2-8-0-8.

It's an invalid credit card number.

If you can't give me an invalid credit card number, I can't place the order.

Did you press pound at the end?

I don't have to press pound at the end.

Did you put the code in the back, the three numbers?

I don't need to do that.

It's 3-1-7.

Okay, but I don't need to do that with my computer.

No, you're supposed to, though.

I don't have to.

Oh, you have a computer there?

Can you call the bank?

Call the computer people.

No, I can't call the bank at 2-0-8 in the morning.

Well, call the tech support.

I don't need to call tech support.

The credit card number is invalid.

I cannot process it without a valid...

4-3-5-6, 4-3-0-0, 0-1-5-7, please.

Are we done yet, sir?

Please, please make it.

You've got to make it go through.

It doesn't go through, sir.

4-3-5-6.

Okay.

4-3-5-6.

You got that one?

Go ahead.

4-3-0-0.

Right.

0-1-5-7.

0-3-1-7.

No, it's going through.

Invalid card number.

Won't go through.

You're doing something.

There's something wrong with your computer.

How dare you accuse me?

I'm not having this money.

You said from the beginning that I couldn't afford 15 pizzas,

and here I am trying to pay, and you're forcing it on me like this.

Shame on you.

Sir, if you can't give me a valid credit card number, I can't process the order.

I'm sorry.

Fire up those pizzas.

Come on.

Do it.

Can I have your phone number again, please?

It's 4356.

No, that's your phone number.

4356.

That's not the phone you're using.

I have a different phone number you gave me before.

4356.

4300.

That's the credit card number you're trying to give me again.

It's been invalid five times already.

305.

Joel, you've got to start giving me some correct information here, okay?

302.

Joel?

Huh?

That's your name, Joel, right?

No.

Yeah.

All right, Joel.

Are we finished yet?

0-1-5.

Joe, these numbers you're giving me aren't processing.

Pound, X-T.

It's not happening.

Pound, 1-5.

There's no pound, 1-5.

HTTP, colon, forward slash, forward slash, creditcard.nmp.org.

I'm confused.

Maybe my sugar's low.

Oh, I think it's because my diabetes and my sugar's low.

Maybe I'm just, I need help, please.

Please, if you just give me a pizza, my sugar will come back up and I'll be able to pay for it.

I'll give you the right number.

Sir, this is over with, okay?

Okay, have a nice night.

Please, I'm dying.

Oh, my God.

He is card, then we'll get him back this week.

No, it's not that hard.

It was funny how I was eating pizza while I was ordering a pizza.

I just figured I'd make it as hard as I could on him.

Tell you what, Milkman, I don't know what, but I used to hate Coke Zero.

I used to be a Diet Coke fan all the way.

And for some reason, when I got sick, I drank Coke Zero in the hospital.

And I was like, holy shit, that's way better than Diet Coke.

Oh, you're a mountain baby now.

No, it's way better.

The Coke Zero is way better than Diet Coke.

Coke. It tastes so much better than Diet Coke.

So, so much better.

Oh, yeah, man. You gotta have some Coke Zero, man.

I know it's been out for like 10 years, but fuck, Coke Zero is the bomb.

Man, it's like regular Coke, but it's zero.

All right. Give me just a moment here, folks, please. Stand by.

Yeah, well, just as I suspected, my blood sugar is down to 64, which is not good.

It's pretty low. That's why I feel a little weird right now.

See, folks, before me a minute, I'm going to stand up and go to the kitchen and eat something sugary

before I collapse.

Just a moment, please, before I die.

Thank you.

Milkman, you have the floor.

I got to play something here real quick.

I have a low blood sugar.

We got to pay a prank call, Milkman.

Oh, sure.

You want a Jack Masterson call?

Jack Masterson pizza?

There wasn't a pizza Masterson pizza call?

Yeah, I haven't heard Eddie Garcia in a long time either, man.

Valente?

No, no.

Let's see here.

Eddie Masterson?

Pizza complaint?

That'd be cool.

I want to try an Eddie Masterson.

What the fuck is Eddie Masterson?

It's like you're doing a Jack Masterson with the Eddie Garcia Yo Kid accent.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You're crazy.

You're out of your mind.

Look, we're going to play a Jack Masterson ordering a pizza, okay?

Well, real quick.

Look, Superman, quiet.

I got to go.

I got to get something.

I'm going to clap.

Shut up.

God damn it.

Hello?

Asshole.

Hello?

Can you speak out for a little bit, please?

Hello?

Can you speak out for a little bit?

Hello?

Yeah, can you hear me?

Yes.

It sounds a little loud over there. Is it busy?

No.

Well, it just sounds like there's a lot of noise in the background.

Could you maybe ask them to be quiet so I can make my order?

Hello?

Nobody is being loud.

Sure, because it sounds a little loud. I hear a radio in the background or something.

No, there's no radio.

No people talking?

No.

Are you ready for my order?

Yes.

If it's busy, are you going to have the $5 pizza ready?

Yes.

But it's busy, right?

So how long is it going to take?

It's not busy.

Okay.

Well, I mean, I can wait like 15, 20 minutes if you need me.

No, it's not busy.

I'm on my cell phone.

I'm almost there right now.

Is that okay?

Okay.

But I need a specialty pizza, though.

Okay.

Extra large or just, you go with the large only?

Just large.

Do you have at least five of the pepperoni available?

What was that?

Do you have at least five of the pepperoni pizzas available?

May I ask who this is?

I'm asking if you have at least five of the pepperoni pizzas available.

May I ask who this is?

This is Jack, Jack Masterson.

I'm about three minutes away, but it sounds like it's busy, so I'm just making sure that you know.

No, it's just I heard there were a whole bunch of ridiculous type questions being asked,

but I just wanted to know if there's five pepperonis up and ready for you.

Why do you have to treat me like I'm an animal?

What's that? I'm sorry?

Why do you have to treat me like I'm an animal?

Sir, do you need five pepperonis up?

I'm asking if you have, because it's busy.

She said it's busy.

It's not busy.

There's nobody in our lobby.

Did you need to know if there's five pepperonis up or not?

Yeah, and I need to make an order for a special pizza.

All right, could I get your phone number from you, please?

Do you really need my phone number, sir?

Yes, I do.

I've got to put your phone number and your name in, and, John, if this is you, I'm going to be very frustrated.

All right, fine.

It's 360-2.

Three?

The ID is right there, sir.

You don't have a car ID?

You want to give me that number again, please?

360.

One moment.

Jesus.

Yeah, I know, it's terrible.

360.

Are you tracing me?

No, I'm not.

360.

I have 360.

Anything else for you?

Cool.

Yeah.

And the name under this for you?

Jack.

What can we do for you?

You know, I was a Vietnam veteran, sir.

You know, I got interrogated then.

What can we do for you today?

What other pizza other than the pepperonis would you like?

What I was asking the woman was if you have extra large or you only go to large pizza.

No, we just have large and small.

How many inches is large?

Large is 14 inches.

It's got 10 slices.

Is it the same size as those pepperonis?

Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah.

Well, get from my order.

I'm sorry.

What was that?

I say shut up and get ready for my order.

Hello?

Make an order, please.

Okay.

Five or your finest...

First I have to get your phone number and your name.

Three, six, zero.

Okay. And your name?

My name is...

Is your name Jack?

Jack.

Sorry about that, folks.

Hey, Milkman, you there?

Man, I'm sorry I yelled at you, man.

You know, I'm just...

I'm not all healthy still,

and my sugar gets really...

I've never really taken care of my diabetes right, so...

It gets too low sometimes,

and I get a little angry,

and that's probably why I was drinking so much soda there,

and my body was asking for sugar, and I ate that pizza really fast, and, you know, I get

kind of intoxicated, a little angry, I'm sorry, man, I think Milkman hung up, upset, because

I yelled at him, but I'm telling him, man, my sugar's low, I gotta go, and then fucking

Athena, this stupid asshole, I told her, for when my sugar goes down, buy fruit, buy apples

and oranges, there's not an apple and orange in this whole house, and I also told her to

go buy some graham crackers, you know, have some graham crackers, buy the regular, I

I like regular graham crackers with cinnamon, you know?

Honey cinnamon.

She buys this damn chocolate shit.

It tastes like a burnt graham cracker.

Chocolate graham cracker.

Look at this.

You know what it tastes like?

It tastes like shit.

It looks like shit.

It looks like a big, flat piece of shit.

I'd rather die than eat this shit.

What can I get for you?

Give me a real graham cracker is what you get.

I'm going to call...

Let's keep calling Domino's Pizza and complain how my sugar's so low.

That's the kind of mood I'm in now.

I know, AMD, you sent in a script for UK calls, and I'll get to them.

For right now, I'm upset.

These chocolate graham crackers are pretty good.

Okay, there is right now only four pepperoni pizzas.

They said there was five.

Promise me.

Yeah, there's going to be five in like two seconds, sir.

But if you don't get in before someone else, we can't save a hot and ready pizza for you.

Well, I'm doing call ahead seating.

Okay, just one second.

Can you make sure that there's five?

What does it say on the paper that I can't call it in?

It doesn't say first come first serve.

Taking me for a ride.

What?

You're taking me for a ride.

Tell him that he's taking me, that I said he's taking me for a ride.

Who's he, sir?

The manager man that's back there saying...

He's not here.

He's gone, actually.

He just clocked off and left.

Well, whoever the other guy is who thinks he's...

He's making you say these bad things to me.

Tell him that I said that he's taking me for a ride.

Are you prank calling us or something?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I was in Vietnam.

I would never, ever do it.

You know what they did to me?

They put cuts in my belly, and they let it accept the car.

No, he's saying that you need to shut your mouth.

I didn't say you need to shut your mouth.

Okay, sir, just calm down.

I didn't say she's lying.

I said you're taking me for a ride.

All right, all right.

You wanted five pepperonis?

it was you promised me that they'd be there and now she said there's only four or two that

and then she said that i told you to show i didn't say that party is being

why you hang up hello why you hang up on me you know i'm sick no uh yeah why would you do that

You had to go to the bathroom.

When you took that bathroom break there, dude, I had to do the same.

I'm so pissed off.

What happened, man?

I told Athena to get regular graham crackers for me to eat my sugar gets low.

You know what she got?

Chocolate graham crackers.

God damn it.

She got chocolate.

Graham crackers instead of regular ones.

It tastes like chocolate shit.

She can't do anything right, man.

All right.

One moment.

What do you expect, man?

You know, anything that is spun with a crescent or broken, what do you expect?

Anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die.

Come on, let's do a prank call here.

Come on, show your life.

though are you gonna wake up the manager at home no the manager just clocked off and got off work

sir get on the phone and call gordon right now because i don't know somebody's gonna do something

i don't understand why you're arguing with me you just call live thursday nights at 10 p.m eastern

why don't you shut the hell up she finally realizes hang up the phone stupid it's a damn

infomercial about pizza now thank you for choosing domino's pizza please stay on the line for our

our current specials, or you can press zero at any time to place your order.

Right now, get our national TV offer.

One of our large legends or feast pizzas or any pizza with up to five toppings

for only $11.99.

These graham crackers would be good with that ice cream on top of them.

And a medium one-topping pizza for only $5 more.

Or make it our early week carry-on.

And be sure to ask about our great lunch deals available from 10 a.m.

to 4 p.m. daily.

We'll be right with you.

Jesus Christ, what am I listening to, a commercial?

At Domino's.com, you can view the entire Domino's menu and...

It's Domino's Pizza. I'm sorry we're closed.

Tim, man, listen.

The guy's got the wrong order.

You hear me?

I'm sorry?

He got the wrong order for me.

What was the wrong?

I made an order for a pizza, and you got me this chocolate thing.

What was the order?

I got it for a Hawaiian food truck.

When did you order?

Tonight.

What time?

About 7 o'clock.

About 7 o'clock?

I'm sorry, I cannot understand anything of what you're saying.

Son of a bitch.

Excuse me?

You've got me the wrong thing.

Refund my credit card right now.

One second.

God damn it.

What was the address?

141 North Main Street.

I'm sorry, 141 what?

141 North Main Street.

141, I cannot understand the name of the street.

Yeah, about 7 o'clock

You wanna start a problem?

I'm sorry?

You wanna start a big problem?

Um, excuse me?

You want big trouble with me?

Big trouble with you?

Uh-huh

Okay, one sec, I'm gonna find your order and I will tell you

I'm gonna slap you in the face

Excuse me?

I'm gonna slap you in the face

For what?

For messing up my order

Listen

Hello?

Who's this, the general manager?

Yeah, I'm the supervisor right now

Who was that?

I was talking to

That was our assistant manager.

Wow.

Listen, you people got the wrong order over here.

Where?

You got me the wrong order.

Where?

Hello?

Yes?

You got me the wrong order over here.

What's wrong with him?

You got the wrong thing.

Uh, can I get your name, please, sir?

It's 131 North Main Street.

Marshmallow Street.

131 North Main Street, goddammit.

Marshmallow Street.

What do you think you are, making knowledge of Marshmallow Street?

You think I'm saying Marshmallow Street?

I'm just putting on my understanding right now, sir.

You stupid.

Will you make a fun of me on the phone?

You stupid.

Slap you in the face.

Speak up, boy.

I can't hear you.

You're muffling the phone, you retard.

Okay.

Patient.

Here.

Okay.

All right.

All right, I got like graham crackers way back in my throat now.

Oh, and I'm on a diet Coke Zero.

Oh, fuck.

All right, Milkman, I'll play some Jimi Hendrix for you here in a second, all right, you horse?

Dude, I like that hairlip guy, man.

You got to like work that in there, you know?

Back top straight to the one, and then when the other one comes on, you got to put that hairlip shit.

You know, when you make the summer come to knock-off.

All right, that was Domino's.

That was brilliant, man.

Are you making fun of me?

Hey, now you're...

I could be talking like that

and all of a sudden

he's going to be like

Marshmallow Street

don't talk like that

that's rude

slap you in the face

slap you in the head

slap you in the face

I remember Reckless

when he said once

he told some girl

I'm going to punch you in the gut

she's like what

he's like

oh you got a big gut

I'm sorry

she's like

no I don't

oh you probably got a big gut

but I'm sorry, girl.

Anyway.

Okay, hey.

Feeling a little better now?

My sugar came up

after eight hours of graham crackers?

Noonoo's a fuck.

Hi, my buddy, Noonoo.

Sir Noonoo of Wanker Show.

He had got some bad news.

He had surgery,

and it didn't go well for him.

Oh, no.

You mean his anal cancer

didn't work out?

No, that was KDK.

Oh, no, that was...

That wasn't any...

That was his...

I guess it was, wasn't it?

No, I got you there,

high asshole.

Yeah.

Which one...

So, one facet to the other.

Which one facet to which?

They put their asses together and, you know.

Yeah, they were doing that.

Get a little French kiss, man.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, guys, come on.

Hi, hi, hi.

We still got to call the UK.

We still got to call some Linsen News and Numbers.

Anyway, man, how's life?

Anyway, everybody give a big shout-out to my buddy over there,

Sir Nuno of Wankershire, England.

Yep.

I'll try to stop eating now.

I feel better.

Okay.

Unless you're doing a prank call.

Good job, Jack.

That's funny.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Do that airlift guy with the cleft palate.

That was good, man.

You kind of like turned out and around.

It started out normal, and then it started like you're really flipping that dude there.

He was doing some good judo flips.

Yeah, I guess so.

Anyway, come on.

Let's keep going here.

Marshmallow pizza.

Yeah, it's not a good thing, dude.

Jill mentioning a marshmallow pizza.

A s'mores pizza would be good.

A mushroom on your pizza?

Marshmallow pizza.

Listen, Milkman.

I thought he said Marshmallow Street.

No, no, no.

No.

Yes, but Jill's recommending a marshmallow pizza, and I'm saying that sounds good.

And then I said a s'mores pizza would sound good right now.

You mean a pizza in s'more style would be good, right?

But I'd like it with extra cheese and olive, too, and I would make a kick.

You would put that nasty shit on a sweet pizza.

You know what I've never had?

I've never had a breakfast pizza before.

Like a real breakfast pizza, you know?

I'll tell you what's good is those breakfast burritos are pretty good.

Okay.

Like egg and sausage and shit like that.

Yeah, really? I thought they'd have turkey

I'm the boss, motherfucker

Alright, we got another one here, we'll try

This is in Nebraska

Nebraska

Your mom, your mom in Nebraska

Your mom, your mom

Milk mom

bomb yeah i'm calling one more dominoes i misunderstood you i thought you're talking

about charlie patton for a second no no no you know um evil already said he tracked him down

in front of he was dead they had died about two years ago man good old charlie patton dominoes

can i get your phone number no he didn't die dude listen uh they got the 90 minute deal still

i'm sorry the 90 minute deal the 90 minute deal

You come out, you get 90 minutes to get as much pizza as you can in a box.

I'm sorry?

You come in, you get 90 minutes to get as much pizza as you can in a box.

I can't understand you.

You come in, you get 90 minutes to get as much pizza as you can in a box.

Hello?

I can't understand you.

Is the general manager there?

Uh, general manager's not here right now.

Oh, who's the guy in charge right now?

Uh, that's me.

Oh, for real?

Will you write this down?

Write it down.

I'm sorry, I can't understand anything you're saying.

WRITE THIS DOWN!

Alright, goodbye.

Fuck.

I don't think that was a good Saturday Night Live right there. That was electric.

A good Saturday Night Live.

You say one check clearly and the next one will be helpful.

That would be a good big Saturday Night Live.

That was perfect.

Talking about it.

You just witnessed it.

Thanks for calling Domino's. Can I get your phone number, please?

Yeah. Phone number is 445-2838. Hello?

405-1388.

Can you say that again?

405-5124-1340.

51248.

1148.

Okay.

4051248?

Yeah.

Would you like a delivery or carryout?

Delivery.

No, I'm sorry, a carryout.

I got my credit card number.

You ready?

You know you're calling?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, can I get your name?

4356-4300.

Okay, would you like to place an order first?

Yeah, but I had to put a deposit down first.

You have to put a deposit down?

Mm-hmm.

What would you like to order?

I need four pepperoni pizzas, extra sauce, and light on the cheese.

One Philly cheesesteak pizza, large, and one Hawaiian pizza, large.

The pepperonis are large.

Okay.

Large pepperonis, light sauce, one large Philly, and one large Hawaiian.

Yep.

Can I get your name?

My name is Jack Matheson.

Josh what?

Jack Matheson.

Can you spell that?

I'm running out of P-U-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-O-R-M-A-S-H-E-R-F-

to keep pranking them

if I can't use

bread crackers.

Oh,

I think I'm going to

have too much sugar now.

I'm going to go into a coma.

Yay,

so I'll clap for that.

I like herbal bacon's

graham cracker thing.

You've insulted my

told us for the last time.

All right,

UK,

let's do it.

If I get numbers,

Lonesome,

you got numbers,

UK numbers,

did you send them?

Hey,

Muckman.

Here you are.

Your orders,

man,

those are awesome,

man.

It's perfectly clear

on part of it,

and then whenever you

ask for your name,

it's wah,

wah,

wah.

And then,

And then you did it perfectly clear.

You get that, sir.

And then all of a sudden, they'll say, no, could you repeat that?

And he's like, wah, wah, wah.

And he's wondering why I want to put a deposit down on a pizza order.

He's like, wah, wah, wah.

That is completely blowing him away.

Then he did the smart thing.

He just ignored it and moved on.

Keep going.

The guy was adaptively thinking with your order, dude.

I think you would be a very challenging and insightful.

Till it got to the graham crackers.

That's just silly.

Yeah, listen, hi.

There's a lot of graham cracker crumbs inside this bed.

Sorry?

This bed, it's got graham crackers in it.

Who ate crackers in my bed?

I don't know what you're on about.

This is the hotel, right?

Yes, yes.

Someone ate crackers in my bed.

Somebody had what?

Crackers in my bed.

You know what crackers are?

Crackers in your bed?

Biscuits, crackers.

Which room are you calling from?

Twelve.

Twelve, damn it.

No, which room are you calling from?

The hotel.

Someone ate crackers in the bed.

Hi. Hello. This is the hotel, ma'am.

Hello. Damn it. Milk, ma'am.

Son of a bitch.

I'm back. I've done a graham cracker and a half.

Now what do we do? I'm going to be screwed.

You know, I talk shit about

Phoenix Graham Crackers. Yeah, hi.

I was calling about the crackers that someone ate in the bed.

What do you mean crackers in the bed?

Someone was eating in the bed before I got in it.

Right. Where are you now?

I was crumbs all over the bed.

No, where are you now?

I'm in the bed right now.

In the bed?

What room are you calling from?

Number 12.

We don't have a bedroom number 12 here.

Is there one 12th?

I want to do when housekeeping comes in, I'll get them to change your bedding.

No, no, I'm not sleeping with crackers in the bed and the ants are going to get me and kill me.

I saw on the TV where this man ate crackers in the bed and the ants came and they killed him at night.

They killed him.

Slowly.

They have formic acid.

We don't have any housekeeping yet.

What are you doing?

I'm on reception.

Well, come down here and do you have a vacuum cleaner?

I can't because I'm on my own.

Come on, man.

The funny part is, I'm the one eating crackers.

Do you get it, guys?

I'm complaining about crackers in the bed, but I'm obviously the man eating crackers.

One more time.

I'm going to have to wait him out a little bit.

Okay, next.

We have a different hotel we can call instead.

That was the Satchez Hotel.

Next, we're going to call the Portland.

I'm just remembering the ridiculousness of graham crackers

When the guy at the Domino's Pizza realized I was eating graham crackers.

It's like, graham crackers.

Portland Hotel in England, Manchester.

It took a while.

Good morning, Paul.

This is Ron speaking at my home.

This is Paulo in room 112.

How are you?

This is the front desk.

Sorry?

This is just the front desk.

It is?

Listen, this is Paulo in room 112.

I listen to you.

No one has been eating crackers in the bed.

Attention.

Do you hear me?

I can't make you out.

I'm sorry.

Someone has been eating crackers in the bed.

Someone has what, sorry?

Eating crackers in the bed.

Can I pull up my sister?

I'm speaking on my own.

Someone is eating crackers in this bed.

Hello?

Yes, someone is eating crackers in the bed.

In what bed?

My bed.

Someone is eating crackers in here.

And I want to know why.

Please.

One more time.

I could have a graham cracker left.

Shit.

Now what do we do?

We have to get more graham crackers from the kitchen.

Hello?

Desk on desk.

Talk to me anymore of these places.

I call them, and they get upset, and they refuse to talk to me.

How rude.

All right, let's try the first hotel we called before, the Satchaz.

Satchaz Hotel.

Still got to get to AMD's idea.

I know AMD.

Usually they're a big guy.

We'll do it.

I think I got crackers in my eye.

Yeah, is this the front desk?

Yes, hello.

I was calling to make a report about a problem I'm having here with the room.

Oh, man.

Yeah, Milkman, you there?

Milkman.

I can't take the call off the hold.

Milkman.

Okay.

I'm speaking Huck and Huck.

Yeah, I didn't think you were going to answer.

Sorry?

I didn't think you were going to answer.

It took so long.

No, I'm on the other line.

Sorry.

Are you the only one at the front desk?

Sorry?

Are you the only one at the front desk?

Yeah, you're at the front desk.

Listen, someone ate crackers in the bed.

Sorry?

Someone ate crackers in the bed.

Sorry, where are you calling from?

From my bed.

You're in your bed?

Yeah, someone ate crackers in here.

Crackers?

Yes.

What's your apartment number?

112.

112, just by the door.

God damn it.

Crackers in the bed.

Do you know what ants do to people?

Oh, right.

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

All right.

Well, I want my money back right now.

All of it.

I'm American, damn you.

I'll sue you.

As a matter of fact, what's your full name?

I'm writing you down.

I'm putting a report and my lawyer is going to sue you.

What?

All of a sudden, it took a shit.

I'm sorry for that.

The phone's gone dead.

What was that about?

Sir, can I just take your name, please?

This is Kvalente.

Listen, what's your name?

My name's Khaled.

College?

Yeah.

All right, I'm writing you down here, college.

I'm going to sue you because of this incident, the crackers.

How many ants are in this building?

Sorry?

When's the last time you had an ant attack here?

Are you in the room now?

I'm on the bed.

Do you want me to come and check what's going on?

Please.

All right, so room 112, yeah?

Bring a vacuum cleaner.

Are you the only one at the front desk?

No, there is another one with me.

Okay, can you please hurry?

All right, no problem. I'm coming up now.

All right, right away. Thank you.

All right, thank you.

Let's call back quickly and see if we can get transferred to room 112.

Wake him up and see if we can catch this in action.

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yes, sir.

You were coming to 112?

Yeah, I'm coming up now.

Well, please hurry.

Okay.

I'm just going to have to give him a little bit of time.

Anyway, in the meantime, Milkman, are you there?

Do you have any ideas what we could do here?

I'm thinking to give it a few seconds, call back, and get the lady to say,

Hello, will you please transfer to room 112?

And hopefully she won't ask names and she'll put me through to 112.

And they'll ring them up, and I'll say,

Say, hey, answer the door.

There's someone coming to the door.

And hold the phone.

You know what I mean?

Do one of those phone loser things.

You know how they do this thing where they do the thing where they call people in the hotel

and they hear them on the radio?

You know how those guys do it like that?

Those are real fucking professional, those fucks.

Let's do it like them.

Let's do it like phone losers do.

Yeah, man.

Again, the home team here.

Phone loser team.

How do you paste?

There we go.

Give me 10 more seconds and we'll call.

10, 9.

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

No reception, please.

Yes, hello, this is 112.

Okay.

Hi, my manager is coming upstairs now.

Okay, can you please transfer me through to 112?

To room 112?

Yes, please, transfer my call to 112.

Sorry, what's your name, please?

This is Valente.

Are you a resident, please?

No, I need you to speak with 112, please.

Okay.

This is a hotel, ideal for business and legislators, so whether you're staying for one night or one month.

Hello?

Yes.

This is 112.

Hello, who is this?

Yes, this is 112.

Yes, yeah, is there someone at your door?

Yeah.

Okay, who am I speaking with?

You're speaking with Paul Glanton.

Okay, and you're the resident there?

Yes.

Okay, there's someone at your door who needs to speak with you.

Okay, thank you.

Is he there now?

There's someone here, yes.

Can you please put him on the phone?

The person at the door is outside, I'm inside.

Well, put the phone down and let him inside and tell him he needs to get on the phone, please.

It's urgent.

You have the wrong apartment.

No, this is 112.

This is the manager's over there.

I'm calling from the front desk.

Please put him on.

There's no one at the front door.

I thought you said there was someone at the front door.

There's someone rang the front door about five minutes ago.

And when did you get it?

Because I'm in bed.

How dare you be so rude?

Oh, how dare you be so rude.

All right, I'll have to call back and get that ticket and get care of that.

All right.

Damn, it's so close.

So close. So close.

That man only listened to instructions, you know,

and done what he was supposed to do.

Lugman.

Good morning, sir. Tell me, sir, how may I help you?

Yeah, this is regarding 112.

Excuse me, sir. Are you in 112?

Yes, and you rang me. You didn't give me enough time to get to the door.

My boss is not at your door again. He just went upstairs again.

Okay, well, please let him know I need some time to get to the door. I'm crippled.

Okay.

All right, can you please put me through to 112?

I should do what?

Can you please put me through to the room, 112?

I should put you through to the room?

Yes, please.

Are you not in 112, sir?

I'm calling on behalf of my father.

He wants someone to come up there as soon as possible.

I need to talk to him.

Okay.

Thank you.

...in city center hotel accommodation.

The place offers you a spacious setting with everything...

Hello?

Yes, I was with...

Room 112?

No, you didn't put me through.

...separate living and dining areas.

What could be better?

Thank you for your patience.

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Can I confirm your name?

Because I'm trying to speak to room 112.

and he's mad at us that we're getting in the room.

He's getting mad?

Yeah, just hold on, please.

Okay.

I'm at room 112.

That's why we came.

I'm at room 112.

I do apologize.

You call him on the phone.

Let me find out.

He's at room 112.

That's why we came.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Can I confirm the name of who you want to speak to, please?

Oh, no.

I need to speak with Mr. 112.

Mr. 112, I need to confirm the name you want to speak to, please.

I'd rather not. Who is this?

I'm sorry, I can't put you through to him.

You stupid monkey.

He called me a stupid monkey. That's not fair.

Can I speak to my manager, please?

Hello?

Yeah, that guy called me a stupid monkey.

Did you hear him?

Sorry, so who are you?

This is 112.

Right, we've just been to 112, and we know it's not you in 112.

You caused us a lot of trouble, got a gentleman in bed that we will have to wake him up.

Now he's putting a complaint through, and now you're calling my staff some names.

Who are you, and where are you calling from?

This is Valente. I'm calling from the United States of America.

You're calling from the United States of America?

Yes.

And why are you calling us?

Because I've been 112.

And there's crackers in the bed.

Because?

Someone ate crackers and biscuits in the bed and left a mess, and it's itchy.

Have you got nothing to do?

So you thought, from like America, I'm just going to call the UK and say,

just take the piss on the people.

Take the piss.

That's disgusting.

That man called me a stupid monkey.

The man that you, I want him written up and reported.

Listen, what happened with 112?

Is he upset?

I don't understand.

I spoke with him.

Yeah, you will speak to him very shortly.

Speak to him very shortly.

All right, that was fun.

He's starting a big international mess.

Oh, my God.

That was fun.

Milkman, are you still there, sir?

Oh, my God.

All right, let me gather my thoughts here, see what we'll do next.

It's 1 o'clock, and I still feel okay.

We'll bake it.

They're fixing for a trace, Carlito.

I know, man.

I'm in trouble.

This is making me ill, this is.

Good number, Lonesome.

That was fun.

Who knows you're going to have so much fun talking about crackers in 112.

You hear him in the background.

I'm sorry.

I do apologize.

So, I do apologize.

Just imagine him.

That guy just fucking called me, eh?

And woke me up out of bed talking about crackers.

Section 30 has been coming to help.

Yes, hi.

Good evening.

Hello?

I'm calling from Timeshare Leisure on behalf of 112.

Yeah, just hold on for a minute.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

I'm not holding the phone.

Hello?

Yes, good evening.

Hello?

Please, hello?

Vagina.

From Dr. Lego.

Sent a message.

That reads vagina.

Very nice.

Thank you, Dr. Lego.

hello hello yes it's the american calling from thai share leisure oh come on man play play the

game with me it's not fun if they don't play anyway there's nothing else okay fine be that

way instead we will call the hotel international it is now past 1 a.m i am carlito you're listening

to madhouse radio if you'd like to send me a parent call request you may do so madhouse live

Live on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you're on MSN Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, madhouse on Twitter.

And on Facebook, of course, none other than Madhouse Live.

I'm going to give a call here to Milkman, get him reconnected here,

and see if we can do some more pranks before we call things off for the night.

In just a moment, please.

Is the show any good tonight?

Should I continue going, or should I quit?

Let me know.

I don't know how many people are listening.

I don't pay attention to that anymore.

more fucking care. Please enjoy the

following music while your party is being

reached. Looking to see if my glasses look good.

Thanks, man. Feels good to see you again.

Hey, man. Were you listening to any of that?

Yeah, yeah, I was. I was just, uh,

I just got a call on the other line, too, man,

so. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I'm here, man.

I'll just, I'll just pop back and forth. I got

to finish. I'll be right back. Oh, well,

we'll finish, baby. All right, cool. Sorry,

bro. Rub one out. All right, cool.

All right, well. All right. I just wanted to make

sure you were still there. Okay, good.

Yes, yes, I'm here. Are you putting Lego or something there, too?

Good morning, Mr. Devon.

Hello, Hotel International.

Yeah?

Yes, this is 112. How are you?

Yeah, how can I help you?

Yes, someone ate crackers in the bed.

Oh, someone ate crackers in this bed.

It's itchy, and it bothers me.

Well, unfortunately, I don't have any other rooms at the moment.

Your what?

I don't have any other rooms at the moment.

Can you...

We can sort it out by later on today and we'll move you into another room.

Can you, I need you to come down to 112 right away, please.

Okay.

Is there anyone else there? Are you by yourself?

Yeah, fuck.

Yeah, shit.

Good morning, we're going to the international.

Are you the only one there? Are you coming by yourself or what?

Yeah, I'm just on my own.

You're on your own?

Yeah.

Can you transfer me to 112, please?

To where?

Transfer me to room number 112, please.

Alright, no problem.

Good morning, guardians. How can I help?

Good morning, may I please have 112?

112.

Uh, 112?

Yes.

Yeah, and what name is it?

This is Valente speaking.

Sorry?

Valente.

And the person you're calling, what name?

The person at 112.

It's for a taxi.

Transportation.

Oh, okay.

So, why are you waiting?

This is Valente with transportation.

Valente Transportation Associates.

Okay, so you want me to put it through, yeah?

Yes, if you could.

Thank you.

Okay.

You're putting me through or what?

Deception?

Yes, you were supposed to put me through to 112.

Okay, I'll put you through.

Did it not go through?

No, I heard nothing.

Okay, I'll put you through again.

Thank you.

Yes, good evening.

Hi.

I'm calling from Timeshare Leisure on behalf of Shakespeare Holidays.

Okay.

They've passed your name because they would like to offer you as a sample one of their promotional holidays.

Okay.

I will give you the details shortly, but first could I confirm that I have the right Mr. 112?

It says here that you are married or living together as a couple, both age 25 to 65,

and you're the owner of, between you're both, you enjoy the national average income or above,

currently around £220,000.

Okay, hang on. What's that all about?

Sorry, you call in Gardens Hotel, right?

Great, yes, that all tally's up.

Okay, I think you need to ring after 7 in the morning

because the authorized person is going to come around 7-ish.

Well, listen...

Do you mind calling back around 7-ish?

The holiday that you're being offered as a sample

consists of up to four free return flights.

Okay, I understand, but you're going to have to speak to manager.

Manager, he's going to come down around 7, 7 o'clock, okay?

7?

7 o'clock in the morning, around.

7 nights.

40 minutes.

7 nights, villa or apartments accommodation, and a choice of 9 separate European destinations.

Mainland Spain, Ibiza, the Canaries, Portugal, Madeira, south of France, Switzerland.

Okay, I understand.

Listen to me, please.

Cypress and Prague.

Listen to me.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Listen to me.

You're going to speak to manager, call after 7 o'clock in the morning, okay?

I don't know any of those jump out at you.

Are they the sort of places that you'd normally holiday?

Hello?

I like this script.

It's cool.

He's actually quite polite, this fellow.

I don't know if any of those jump out at you.

Are they the places that you usually holiday?

Listen, I told you, ring after 7 in the morning, speak to manager, okay?

After 7?

Yes, after 7 in the morning.

Well, how many of you usually holiday together?

I don't know. You're going to have to speak to manager, okay?

When are you away and what do you like to do?

I don't know.

When we talk about the accommodations, we refer to as luxury.

But this is a pretty vague term.

Let me tell you a bit more about it, okay?

Okay. Tell it to manager after 7, okay?

Listen, wait. All the villas and apartments are designed...

I've got a job to do, okay?

They sleep up to six people.

Oh, I would be so bad at this.

I would love to get a job just as a joke as a telemarketer

because I'd probably just get really high and just take it like a joke.

I would do like a second job, just have fun.

I'd be all stupid.

Kokanee, right, I've got to call the holy lady from last week and do this trick.

The blood of Jesus.

Nenu, send me that number again.

Again, do you have it?

The new for Blood of Jesus Lady?

Send it to me.

Hurry.

These people aren't answering anymore.

Okay, we're stopping that call.

See if we can get another one here.

Lonesome loser calls.

Numbers.

Is Lonesome even out there still?

Lonesome, you still paying attention?

So, uh...

See if I can remember the first one that we called here.

The one that we started a problem with.

I think it was the Portland.

I don't even remember.

Shit.

I think it was the Portland.

The one where I started a big mess.

Let's see.

I did notice RBCP has posted the after show from Tuesday night on Facebook.

Hello?

Good morning.

Thank you for the opportunity to talk to you.

This is Louser speaking.

Yes.

Good morning.

I am calling on behalf of Shakespeare Holidays.

Okay.

They've passed your name on to us because they would like to offer you a sample,

one of their promotional holidays.

Okay?

Right.

I'll give you the details shortly,

but first could i confirm that i have the right mr 112 it says here that you are married or living

together as a couple and both age 25 to 65 the owner of between you both you enjoy the national

average income of above currently around 20 000 pounds great that all tallies hello hello yes the

The holiday that you're being offered as a sample consists of up to a free return flight, okay?

Seven nights luxury villa or apartment accommodations and a choice of nine separate European destinations.

Mainland Spain, Ibiza, the Canaries, Portugal, Madeira, south of France, Switzerland, Cyprus, and Prague.

Craig, are these the places that you normally travel and visit?

So you're talking to someone at the hotel.

This is the hotel you're talking to.

I don't know if any of those jump out at you.

How many of you usually holiday together?

Wait for customer to respond.

Hello?

Okay.

Hold on.

Windows update fucked up my XP install on the other machine.

I almost didn't lose it, so I was XP.

haha how 1990 uh how 2001 of you man 10 year old operating system dude seriously what's up with you

lonesome you know hit this i am doing this this is jim bob with the department of water

we are conducting a survey today how often do you drink the water so i'm going for here folks okay

I'm kidding, Lonesome. I'm just messing around with you.

I'm in a funny mood. My sugar's low, and then it got high again.

It got high.

Alright, uh...

Lonesome, okay. I run Windows 7,

XP, and Vista. Easy, buddy. Okay, I was just kidding,

alright? Easy, big guy.

I'm just, uh,

having a piss, so to say,

as they say in the UK. I'm taking

the piss. Are you taking...

That's what Lonesome's saying right now. Are you taking the piss of me?

Are you taking the piss?

Okay.

Can't remember which of the hotels is

the one i started the big mess yes hello yes which places of those do you normally like to

holiday at is anyone there can you hear me yes we can hear you okay when we talk about the

accommodations we refer to it as luxury but this is a pretty vague term hello let me tell you a bit

more about it hello what about you all the villas and apartments are designed to sleep up to six

people and as such are very spacious they each have a double bedroom one of which is a suite

is anyone there hello attention hello okay done with that one all right the monroe's hotel let's

See what's going on over here.

I feel like I've got a big bowel movement coming up.

As soon as I'm done with the show,

I'm going to take a nice long big shit.

Feels good, man.

Sometimes I take my time pooping.

Good morning, Monroe's.

Yes, hello.

Is 112 there?

Can I help?

Yes, 112?

112?

Yes.

What's up?

The room.

Who's it?

Where are you?

This is, I'm Valente with Valente Transportation.

Calling for 112.

You want transportation?

I'm providing transportation for 112.

Have you got the right hotel, darling?

Is it not the one next door?

No, no.

The International.

Good evening.

Hello.

It's Valente.

I'm calling from Timeshare Leisure.

Have you got a room booked at Monroe's?

Have I got what?

Have you got a room booked with us at Monroe's?

A room at the Monroe's?

Yes.

I do.

When for?

Uh-huh.

For when?

For this evening?

No, I'm calling to confirm the transportation for someone who's staying there.

Right.

Okay.

Have you got a name? Have you got a name for them?

I'm calling on behalf of Shakespeare Holidays.

Shakespeare Holidays?

Yes.

I honestly don't know what it is, darling.

Yeah, they passed on your name to us.

Yeah.

What was your name?

This is Monroe's Hotel.

Yeah, they passed on your name because they would like to offer you, as a sample, one of their promotional holidays.

holidays oh right well you just got you have to phone this afternoon darling because

the owner isn't here at the moment listen damn it i'll give you this detail shortly but okay

but first shut up and i'll confirm that i have the right uh mr and mrs it says here that you have

married living together as a couple is it right no i don't know what you're looking for darling

I have no idea.

You're both age 25 to 65, and you're the owner of a horse.

No.

Between you both, you enjoy the national average income or above of 20,000 pounds.

No, no idea what you're talking about.

Great.

Sorry.

That all tallies up.

Okay.

The holidays that you're being offered as a sample consist of up to a free return flight,

flight seven nights luxury vanilla or department accommodation and a choice of nine accurate

european destinations i have no idea who you're talking about darling because i'm not the owner

do you like mainland spain have you ever been there no sorry listen i went to spain once okay

and they do this sexual dance there okay oh fuck who was that was this milkman calling me this is

to police getting tired of this show i don't know hi i'm calling on behalf of leisure international

okay i'm gonna i'm gonna call you back from the right number okay pick up yes that one i'll call

you right back all right i cut him off shut up we're really i'm gonna end the show that's i've

been mabbling here for like an hour an hour long well not really i usually end the show at one it's

It's 1.30.

What, 30 extra minutes?

It was a big fucking deal.

But seriously, I don't know.

This has not been a good night.

I don't think it's been a good night.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Hello, Mr. Shit.

I'd like an extra large portion, please.

Could I get that double wrap?

I don't know.

We've got time for one more call, okay?

We're calling the blood.

Can we put that in the oven and create the Cleveland Steamer before serving?

Take a big shit in the oven and turn it around?

I don't know.

I don't really like that, Mokman.

That was a one-night thing.

Enough, okay.

Mokman, that was a one-night thing, okay?

I'm not into the one-night stands.

I'm like you.

I mean, you're actually going two nights a day or two stands in one night.

It's a big job.

Quiet.

Hello?

Yes, hi, Ms. Jones?

Good evening.

It's Valente calling from Timeshare Leisure on behalf of Shakespeare Holidays.

Yes?

Yes.

They've passed your name on to us because we would like to offer you a special holiday vacation package.

I want to go in.

I'll give you the details shortly, but first could I confirm that I have the...

I won't be going once you're going.

Shut up.

Thank you.

Shut up.

Bye.

Stupid.

What's she doing?

Why is she doing that?

She doesn't let me talk to her.

I thought you were going to die on the phone.

Hello?

Ms. Jones?

She's doing the slow motion hang up.

Yeah.

Usually she takes a little bit.

Man, let me try one more last time.

One last time.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment.

please leave your message after the tone.

I'll give you the details shortly,

but first I would need to confirm that I have the right Mrs. Jones.

It says that you're married or living together as a couple,

both age 25 to 65,

and the owners of a horse.

Between you both, you enjoy the national average income or above,

currently around 20,000 pounds.

Hello? Hello? Damn it.

All right.

All right, Milkman, take us out of here quickly, okay, please?

I'm done.

I'm over it.

I'll go ahead.

Hey, man, it's me out there in the world.

What's wrong with that?

You know what we say right here at the Madhouse.

We love you, everybody.

We do it every week for you.

The most interactive show you can find right here on the internet with the craziest stylings

of the generalissimo of the Madhouse himself right here and the ignoranimous, crazy musings

of the Milkman right here every week.

That's right.

Do not miss it.

Do not be late.

Get your gold stars.

check into the chat

and join our podcast

and I want to hear

some more from these

forums so we'll be

looking forward to

you guys checking in

next week and hearing

from you along the

way you know we say

bring a friend better

yet bring an enemy

everybody right here

in the madhouse are

here to share

we love you and

thank you so much

the hermanito the

generalissimo of the

madhouse and our

numbers hit man what

a team we got right

there the lonesome

loser the generalissimo

right here in the

madhouse the hermanito

So, thank you so much, my brother.

Thank you, Milkman.

God bless you, sir.

God bless you.

I want to thank Milkman for being on Lonesome Loser.

As Milkman already said, thank you for sending in numbers.

Nunu also sent in numbers.

Tabachi sent in numbers.

AMD for sending in information in the script that we used during the second half of the show.

Thank you very much, sir.

JFK is jack, sent in a number also.

And I think someone else sent in a number.

Everyone who sent in numbers today, thank you.

Thank you everyone who participated.

faded. I'm very saddened to know that Dr. Lego

wanted to be on the show and I didn't get the chance to put him on.

I'm very sorry. Also, I have to apologize

for my attitude. I'm sorry, Milkman, for yelling

at you when my sugar got low. And I yelled

at you to shut up, and I got up to get graham

crackers. Remember that part? That was funny. Ha ha.

But I'm sorry I did that. Ha!

Yeah, so I have to thank all the people that we prank called,

including Domino's Pizza, the different

hotels, the Blood of Jesus Lady,

and everyone else who I forgot at this moment.

Thank you, everyone who listened, and as

always, be sure

Be sure to check out our website, manhouselive.com, subscribe to the podcast, listen to Cacti Radio all weekend, as well as Tuesday night.

Thank you.

We're out of here.

Good night, everybody.

Have a safe and happy weekend.

Thanks, Joe.

And we're coming.

Funky time.

And it's good.

See you in the next song and time.

Calls (30, 1 h 39 min of 3 h 1 min)

Transcript

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