What Is Wrong With This Show?

But Black's not a race, though, because we ain't in a race against nothing.

No, but we are.

When everybody else gone, we still will be here.

We the fathers and mothers.

Honor your mother and your father, and your days should be longer in the land.

Ooh, ain't got no comeback for that one.

He'll still be here with the cockroaches.

Yep, that's okay. It's ours.

I'm going to be fine, all right? I'm going to be surrounded by people.

I'm not going to fall over. I'm not going to get raped. Don't call back.

You don't think I'm coming up with it to fuck you up, you stupid motherfucker?

fucking ass and fucking shoot your fucking nuts off that's what i'm gonna fucking do i'm really

scared ma'am you you better be motherfucker you better be you better fucking hope you don't live

close to this motherfucking place who the fuck is this motherfucker who is this you are listening

to the madhouse radio podcast hey everybody this is carlito here speaking on behalf of myself as

well as big tuck and evil arty before the episode starts here just wanted to let you know of my

my failure as a host.

Unfortunately, the episode you're about to listen to

is rife with technical difficulties,

volume off the wall,

and a lot of buzzing.

We had a lot of technical issues this episode,

and I just want to apologize for you listening to it.

It won't be an issue again, I promise you.

I also wanted to thank the following people,

Lonesome Loser,

listener as well, by the name of Richie,

not Randall,

and Tabachi from the Phone Loser group.

Thanks to them, you're able to listen to this

I even forgot to record this episode

As it was being done live

And because of that

I had to cobble together copies

Of MP3s that were ripped

By those three gentlemen

In order to provide this for you

Now, you get all the pranks

You didn't miss any of the prank calls

You just missed the 30 minutes

At the beginning of the show

Which had no pranks at all

It was just me yammering on and on

About some stupid bullshit

So regardless, again, my apologies

You didn't miss anything

In the midst of the four beasts, and I looked, and behold, a horse, and his name that sat on him was Death.

Should it do nothing?

All right, well, we got some requested pranks coming in.

One from Tabachi.

That one was from Curaz that I just tried to connect with a girl,

but there was no answer there, so I'll try that in a few more moments.

Nunu's sending in some numbers also.

That's appreciated.

Appreciate.

You all appreciate it.

Appreciate.

I heard myself.

And why not appreciate, Nunu?

You're such a nice guy.

I got an interview tomorrow, a job interview.

I got jobbed out of the blue.

You got jobs?

I got called over for a job

You got jobs

No I don't have a job

Sorry I didn't mean to laugh at you

No it's ok

You know what

No one has a job so

You know

Obviously I do because I'm not even

I didn't even start applying for jobs yet

And all of a sudden I got a request for

See if I can interview tomorrow

I can

I can barely see

Right now

I'm like, okay.

Sure, why not?

Starts in three weeks.

That'll give me enough time to finish recuperating.

For the first time today, I'm not wearing, I don't have a bandage on my surgery wound.

It was released by the doctor.

The surgeon said, you don't have to do that anymore.

You're healed up.

Completely closed wound for the first time since April 14th.

Wow.

Yeah.

Feeling good.

Not feeling good, the fact that I've gained a lot of weight.

Confirmed that today.

day uh mostly water but about 25 pounds worth of weight that i've gained

take a pin and take a pin and go to the spring the lake a little bit for only that easy for

only that easy so then i try to try it on my work clothes and my interview clothes and of course

nothing fits except for one outfit the outfit i used to be able to swim in it was so big that's

what i have to wear tomorrow so if i get this job literally i'm probably gonna go to walmart

and buy a bunch of $8 pairs of pants

that are going to be too big for me.

Hopefully, I'll lose this weight again.

Get those pants with the elastic in them.

Yeah, well, that's the one that I got.

That's the one that fits me,

the one with the elastic in it.

I can't even wear my belt.

It doesn't even fit me anymore.

So I'm like, I don't care.

I haven't shaved since the last surgery.

I got to shave in the morning.

Do you have a big old mountain man beard?

It's not that bad yet.

It's just a patchwork sort of thing.

I always get the patchwork.

I can't grow a man beard.

Never been able to grow a man beard.

Yeah, I always got a patch right around here on the left side.

You know, it's not as simple.

Hey, good news.

My left eye is seeing much better.

My right eye is seeing much better.

That's cool.

I still can't read with the left eye, but, you know, it looks like a mosaic now.

My left eye, it looks like when they blur someone's, when they blur you on cops.

It kind of looks like that, but I've got a lot of depth now.

You know, I can see what's going on a little more.

It's actually quite pretty.

It looks like a Monet painting, everything.

close my right eye everything's a monet it's beautiful you get you get a kaleidoscope

psychedelic kaleidoscope sort of effect going so let me ask you something i always said monet

and for some reason the other day i was watching tv and they said it's not monet it's monet

monet really oh probably yeah you know who knows who knows every okay every about every 10 years

They say what you learn as a name or a word is wrong.

It's blank instead of blank.

So, okay, so we're saying Monit now.

Fine.

Okay.

Ten years will be something else.

Whatever.

Ten years it'll be sausage.

Yep.

All right.

Well, let's get to these calls here from Nunu.

Like a good example is, it was Van Gogh forever.

Now it's Van Gogh.

Whatever.

it's going to be something else

in another 10 years

when did it become Van Gogh?

exactly

is Johnny Cash going to become Johnny Cash

at one point?

yes in about 10 years

Johnny Cash

it'll be Cash in 10 years

because it's not really about

money

it was about

French

one thing I heard is that

we've been saying it wrong all these years

They expect within the next 100 years, it may be possible that very few people will be able to read handwriting.

There will be handwriting experts because so much typing and digital this and digital that,

only a select few are going to be able to actually read or interpret handwriting.

I don't know if I would go that far.

It might be.

You think about it.

me because everyone is twittering and twittering and and uh um uh you know uh ipad in and like

varying and uh face spacing what's the deal with cursive cursive do they even teach cursive anymore

in school i don't know i don't know do they i don't know they did as far back as me but i mean

that's been a while now yeah i know and i never liked cursive i never i was like what i wanted

to do like oh it's faster like oh it's not it's all complicated and shit it's not clear

Fuck cursing

True it's not

And then someone

Gives you a damn

Cursive note

And goes

Dude come here

Come back

Fuck back over

What the fuck

Does these words say

They should tell you

Learn a signature

Learn your signature

That's it

That's all the cursive

You need to know

You know

You should beat your

Signature

You know

Come up with your

Signature

Come up with a tag

You know

And that's it

Cursive

Cursive's stupid

Cursive

Anyway we got

Numbers from Nunu here

Let's get to those

Chuck alright

Let's discuss

discuss all right ah la la la la la see they're good the mic cutting in cutting out it's driving

me nuts um luan uh luan lives in uh england and she's gonna get up early this morning so maybe

we can help good idea what time is it there now five hour difference 4 30 4 37 don't worry that

jesus 11 37 already normally i'm taking a break at this time and i just started the show haven't

done one prank yet wow i'm i got i'm gonna apologize in it in it ahead of time you gotta

make a phone call before you can take a break it's it's it's the rule but i want to take a

company rule you're right uh we also got ryan who works in england uh don't know what he does

in a relationship with a girl named kelly nice and uh a person named alden i don't know if that's

alden brown drinks too much apparently okay cool i think nuna gets these from open book i'm not

sure but oh that uh back end uh that's what she said thing yeah that's what she said yeah all

right let's see hang on oh god here comes my blind ass now trying to dial numbers let's play a little

music while i get that going baby if you don't care for it did i disappoint you leave a bad taste

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to call you Milardi.

I forgot.

I'll call you Artie.

No, me and Artie have been talking all week.

You don't understand.

Here, I want to tell you something.

I know I'm supposed to be doing a prank, but before I forget,

I got put on these pills that apparently one of the side effects is it makes you very talkative.

Oh, gosh.

So I can usually take Artie in small doses because he talks a lot.

He calls four or five times a day.

Oh, there.

He's used to me answering maybe once a week out of the 25 to 30 phone calls he makes.

He usually realizes he'll get through to me once, and I'll finally answer, and I'll talk to him for 15, 20 minutes.

And then I'll say, all right, Artie, I'm going to go.

You're bothering me.

And I hang up on him.

Now, for some reason, I just – I mean, Artie, you're friends this week.

So we did prank calls all week off the air.

We recorded them with spoof card

He recorded them with spoof card

That's good

Hopefully he actually has them

You know what I'm going to play one of them

Here's the story

I'll tell you

Let me tell you now because I'll forget

Remind me

I'm going to play it after this

And then we'll get Artie on the line

And then we'll discuss

Basically from my hometown that Artie lives

Just outside of

He lives in the town next door

We prank called

called um the crazy comic book guy this puerto rican he looks like a puerto rican uh richard

prior basically he's uh and he's got this complex where like he's the king of the town when it comes

to magic cards and comic books he's a very ruthless dictator in the comic book world kind

of like comic book guy in the simpsons uh but he runs a store or he's just a guy everyone knows

that he has a biz

he runs the comic book store

in this town up until recently

in like a big mega

chain comic book store opened up

in town and he's like scared shitless

apparently from what I understand

but me and Artie fucked with him all week

and one of the calls is funny

Artie like got him pretty good

I have two of the recordings

mine was okay in the beginning

and it got drawn out wasn't too funny at the end

Artie's is short and to the point

really good Artie did really good

Good. And then also, remember

I've talked on the show about that

conference line, the free conference line

that I've been calling on my own just to

fuck with people.

I got already in on that

and we've been doing nothing but messing with the gay people

on that conference line

to no end.

It's been fun.

Yeah. We go on the real horse.

That's what he said, no end.

Yeah.

There's no end to this.

There's no end.

What a pain in the ass, he said.

We're getting text messages here on the Google Voice line.

The Google Voice line is back in operation.

I've been using it today for Craigslist as a trial basis.

See if we can return that.

Holy crap, there's a lot of texts coming in on that.

Wow.

Darn.

Every time you hear a ding, that's a lot.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was Dick John Cassidy.

More than a lot, you gave me nothing now, it's all I got, we're one but we're not the same, we've hurt each other, and we're doing it again, you say love is a temple, love is a temple, love is a temple, love is a temple.

to pick him up if you can give me a call my name is carlos thank you bye oh he's carlos yeah he's

carlos i'm carlos but he's carlos too i don't know what it's supposed to be ringing when

when someone calls it i don't understand why it's not working i was hearing i was hearing

chimes in my headphones what were you hearing what chime yeah but it's supposed to be the

the google voice gmail the it wasn't doing that yeah yeah well you know i have a love

a love for everyone i know hello yeah leanne leanne yeah this is uh this is cross i'm calling

with your wake-up call you're supposed to wake up too early you signed up for a wake-up call

this morning i need you to uh if you could please do some jumping jacks ma'am could you please do

them guys i'm i don't know i just don't have the juice tonight i'm gonna stop saying it i gotta

stop saying it i got this bad habit of doing that all the time on the show i catch myself all the

the time i don't know how did you i suck tonight i suck tonight leanne hello answer you can't fall

asleep you have to get up please i want you to miss that special engagement appointment please

you promised me i promised you you made me promise that i wouldn't let you fall asleep

come on get up get up and get ready third try third try i was against the uk this is the

The Vodafone voicemail service for 0-7-8-0-5-E-4.

Please leave a message after the tone.

When you finish recording, please hang up or press the hash key for more options.

Yes, Leanne, please make sure you wake up.

It's very important that you don't miss this engagement this morning.

It's imperative.

Wake up.

Thank you.

Did I hang up on Tuck?

Tuck, are you there?

Did I hang up on you?

I'm going to see who are you.

All right, sorry.

Hello.

I thought I hung up on you.

Yes.

Sorry, buddy.

Yes.

Well, you know, we're here, everybody.

It's Madhouse Live.

Live.

I'm seeing a weird...

As live as we can be.

You know, I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about what I'm seeing right now.

Okay.

The next part of this song I dedicate to none other than our good friend, KDK.

Really?

Yeah.

What's he been doing?

Listen to this song.

You'll see.

Okay.

And you know I have a drive to live I won't let go

Can you see it's opposition comes rising up sometimes

Dreadful and position comes blacking in my mind

That I see a dark, I see a darkness

And that I see a dark, and that I see a darkness

I forgot that was too early.

This is the part I dedicate to KDK.

But that's appropriate, too.

Well, I was going to say, well, he's just so Mr. Positive.

I don't see what this song had to do or anything.

Well, I hope that someday, buddy, we have peace in our lives.

Together or apart.

Alone or with our wives.

And we can stop our whoring

And pull the smiles inside

And light it up forever

And never go to sleep

My best unbeaten brother

This isn't all I see

Darkness

Yes, yes.

Yes, hi, were you calling about the furniture?

Yes.

Okay, are you going to be helping me move

or is it a man i'm sorry what was that would you be helping me move or would it be a man actually

oh well no i'd be a man where are you guys um where are you guys staying at uh we're in we're

new to the area they just we just moved in and they kicked us out uh basically kicked us out

in the street they someone came and drug my wife by the hair out into the street and everything

where you guys live at yeah where's this at it's off of colonial okay what's the main cross street

um i think it's like 82nd something like that 82nd and colonial i can give you do you have

if you have email i can maybe send you the gps and all that the google maps okay and you guys

when do you guys need to like when do you guys need to move my noon tomorrow the guy said he

was gonna hurt us if we didn't get out okay so you guys staying with okay you guys staying with

um with people no we got we got an apartment in the check bounce and he came in and he said yeah

do this do that and he um he took the stove he disconnected the stove and then my wife started

complaining and he he he um he grabbed her by the hair and yanked her outside and everything

can you guys sue them for that um i'm kind of intimidated by him he's black so i don't know

you guys should be you guys should be able to um you guys should call like you should have called

the police or you know sue him for that well they said that we called the police they said they

They couldn't do anything.

And the thing is, my wife, she's undocumented.

She's illegal.

So if we involve the police, they'll send her back.

Well, what I'll do is, because, see, actually, I didn't even know you guys were going through that.

Like I said, the rental prices are moving tomorrow as well, and I know we need some furniture.

So what I'll do is I'll just give you a call.

I actually got work at 6 in the morning, so I'll just try to give you a call around 6 in the morning and see what's going on.

All right.

All right, so is it just you, or who's going to come down to move the, might help us out?

We just need a hand with some boxes.

I'm going to like to be my boyfriend, but I don't even know where you guys are actually staying.

I don't even know where 82nd and the other street is.

Right.

So I'm going to need you guys to call tomorrow and figure out exactly where you guys are at.

Okay.

Because, you know, maybe, do you have a camera or anything like that?

Like a cell phone with a camera on it, maybe, so we can take some evidence, so we can help us out.

um my wife you know will you know maybe lay down on the couch and lay you know lay down on the

couch and you take pictures of what happened you said do i have a cell phone with pictures

and what like camera cell phone that takes a camera machine oh yeah i have i have a camera

phone yes but maybe you could take pictures of my wife laying down on the couch like pretend

like she's hurt or something yeah and then um i don't know is there a man that's gonna come with

you maybe i told you my boyfriend's gonna come i'm not gonna come there by myself yeah i know

No, yeah, definitely, because who knows what will happen.

But maybe your boyfriend could, like, stand over her like he's going to punch her or something,

and you'll take a picture of it, like, for evidence.

Is he black, your boyfriend?

It sounds like he might be.

Yeah, but I don't want to put my boyfriend through it.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to give you guys a call tomorrow, okay?

Well, I mean, you guys look all the same.

I don't think it would be that big of a deal or that far of a stretch if he's, you know, black.

Maybe from the back, like a picture of just him holding the fist, and we lost a patient.

All right, good.

That's a good point, though, Tuck, right?

I mean, I'm not stretched.

trash well so this is the uh what was that oh this i get an ad that uh i need they're they're

kicking us out of my apartment i gotta find a neighborhood in vegas but they're kicking me out

of my apartment in vegas and i need okay and uh i'm giving away a 32 inch lcd tv and some furniture

if you help me move you know the other stuff out because i have to actually go and actually help

Kind of like if you give me a hand

I'll give you, I think I said I have a dresser

and a bed and an LCD TV

and a Playstation 2

A Playstation?

Two

Playstation 2

Oh, two of them

Two Playstation 2's

No, just a Playstation 2

How heavy is the couch?

I don't know how heavy the couch is

It's a big couch

Two ton couches

No, I got to think about it.

I got a two-ton couch.

What?

You got a forklift.

That'd be funny, though.

If I remember, remember we did this with mattresses?

You said, yeah, if you want to get the mattress.

I told this Mexican lady I want her to lay down on the mattress and I take pictures of her.

It's like, no, my husband's not going to want that.

He's like, oh, you know, he doesn't have to come down.

I don't know why I see a darkness.

Did you know how much I love you?

Here's the hope that somehow you can save me from this darkness.

All right.

Thank you.

Let's hear it for KDK.

Hopefully he can save me from my darkness this weekend.

I don't think so.

I don't think he can.

Oh, man.

We have to save him from his.

Yeah.

He's all right.

He's doing okay.

I haven't heard anything from him or about him.

I don't even know why I brought that up.

I don't know why I said it.

I think I was listening to that song once in my car.

and i was like that'd be funny if i said on the air i was dedicating it to kdk that just that part

you know yeah and um here we are like three years later i finally got around to it oh well at least

probably got to it cool but i like the appropriateness of i see of darkness and that's

what i see is a darkness um anyway uh we got a lot of numbers coming in guys uh thanks nunu we

did one of your numbers or do some more of them uh we got some more people in vegas also um if

If any of y'all want to help out there and give me, like, a cross street for a neighborhood in Vegas or something like that.

God, you hear each time that's a ding.

That's a text or a missed call.

And I don't know.

They're supposed to be ringing through, but they're not.

But I'd rather that.

I'd rather I get notified when people try to call, and then I just, you know, call them back on my own.

There's another request to prank.

Getting a lot of request to pranks here, too.

Because it would just be...

Yeah, exactly.

It'd be annoying.

This is good.

This is nice and controlled.

Good.

okay let's see if we got any more voicemails here let's just yeah i got someone asking you

still giving out the bed i know are you when tears are in your shit all right let's listen

to this voicemail here it's 57 seconds long my name is mark i just saw you out on craigslist

i love my first or you still need help i just came back in town i live actually over here in

chinatown the uh yeah i'd be happy to help you guys the uh i move stuff all the time just owns

on some properties and stuff.

Hey, there you are.

So I'm really good at it.

So no, yeah, I'll help you out.

Yo, I'll move your stuff really good, yo.

Yeah.

I have an apartment over here.

I actually have a smaller television.

I got a Hemi and everything.

Something a little more bigger to view.

The fuck's he talking about?

Shut the fuck up, man.

This other bedroom.

And also the bed for a guest bed.

Yeah, if you need my help,

I'll come help you

pack up

help you move

you know

just call me back

at 6788

la la la la

his number's from Georgia too

oh he did say

he was from out of town

yeah that's funny

alright cool

oh yeah

see again

now I'm just

just audio

out of my microphone

out of the right

well them

them southerners

are very helpful people

so

go back to their own country

they need to stay in the south

as well

alright

people gotta move and work too

like everyone else

we're calling back in a moment

let's see

see let me uh regroup here let's see what we got numbers wise here from the peeps let's

this plugged in?

Good.

All right.

We got a number for a gentleman named Christopher here that Nunu has sent in.

See, I'm getting my energy back here.

Good.

You're starting to get a little crackly now.

A little juice.

Just a little.

Yes.

Studying photography at a university.

He posted, this is my number.

I just got my new phone back from the pixies who fixed it.

What a fag.

So I don't have your number.

If I don't have your number, text me or send me a picture of your private parts if that's what you're into.

What the fuck?

jesus christ sir wow check your mic levels a little bit you seem to be crackling a little bit

yeah okay thank you thank you sir i'll work on that okay uh yeah okay test test test okay good

better okay so we got that one to do a guy who's asking for pictures of private parts it's always

fun sir howard stern book private yeah you will go private parts there we go more interesting

some people. Good star.

Ding, ding. Yeah, this is great.

This is great.

Mark, I just saw you out on Craigslist.

I'm up on first or you still need help?

I just came back in 10. Oh, it's the same guy. Never mind.

Same guy, same one. Same fucker.

Alright, cool. Alright, so

let me check

out what numbers we might have in the chat room.

Did Lonesome Loser show up in the chat?

Have you heard about it?

Yes. Yay!

Lonesome. My man.

Alright, good. And let's see.

Curaz has sent in another number.

The first one didn't work out.

Somebody, um, uh, uh,

Lansing Leisure there.

Yeah, let me see if I can get to it.

Uh, Tabachi.

2010.

Tabachi, what's up, Tabachi?

Checking in.

He sent in a request to Prank.

I'll get to that also here.

Uh, do-do-do-do.

Carlito's in the Deep South.

I am not.

I'm in Pennsylvania.

I moved.

Uh-huh.

Me.

Yeah.

MSG through Clay.

Don't worry.

He's from Atlanta, I believe,

or something like that.

Okay.

Do-do-do-do.

Not much going on here.

Jill just noticed I have a beard.

Don't say, is he black?

Say, is he a black?

Oh, good point.

Yeah.

Whoops.

Sorry.

Well, good to see Lonesome Loser.

He's sending in numbers.

Very good.

Very nice, sir.

Very well.

Sending in numbers in London, the UK, United Kingdom.

And it works.

Okay.

All right.

Cool.

Well, let me stop saying okay, okay, cool.

And let's...

And now start saying it.

Okay, okay, cool.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Cool, okay.

Cool.

Okay.

Kick ass.

let me get the google voice here okay cool okay all right wow very unprepared show tonight i just

like i literally sat here for like an hour just take my time you think i was smoking pot again i

was like

might as well get ready for the show i can't it would help out they tell me i have high pressure

in my eyes macular pressure and that i wanted to ask him that but dina said i probably shouldn't

that probably wouldn't be a good idea and she's probably right okay the tooth for a tooth like to

fart i like to fart fart fart fart fart i love to poop poop poop really i really wish i could get

to the bottom of why i did these calls aren't coming and ringing but it's not that big of a

deal like i said it might be helping out well let's do the old copy paste here paste how do

do you paste you get a jar of paste and brush put the brush into the paste dip it you know don't

don't glub but you know brush it on the sides you know smart about it and then lightly but gently

no one likes to sloppy drunk okay hello yes hi you were interested about helping out with the

furniture yes okay i can come get it this evening if that you know whatever works best for you

I don't know exactly where you're located.

No, this evening probably isn't too good.

What I'm looking for is some help.

We've got a lot of boxes that need to be moved around, need to be moved into a truck.

The landlord came in and hit my wife and dragged her out by her hair down the steps.

Oh, lovely.

We need to get out of here as soon as possible.

Yeah, well, I have a trailer, so, you know, I can haul quite a bit of stuff.

It would have to be tomorrow morning, though, because my husband works at noon tomorrow.

Carl, where are you located at?

Yeah, I was hoping that it would be a man that's coming down.

You're a woman, right?

It is my husband, though.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, because I don't want any trouble with women, you know.

No, it would be my husband, not me.

I'm just calling for him.

Hurting themselves and stuff.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

Yeah, well, I need to be out by noon, you understand?

Okay.

Now, your husband, he's healthy?

He's going to be okay to do this kind of work?

Yeah.

Okay.

Does he have any...

You know what? If you give me five minutes, I'll have him call you back.

That might probably be the easiest.

Have him call me at this number. Sure, that's fine.

But he's relatively healthy, handsome man.

Okay, does he have any heart conditions? How old is he?

No, nothing like that. 38.

38? Okay, does he work out?

Yeah, he's a strong guy, used to moving stuff.

Okay, is he bench-pressed at all?

I would have no idea. But you know what? How about I have my husband call you?

Okay, does he have big muscles?

Yeah, you know what? He's a great mover.

Yeah, is he?

Okay.

And you guys are happy together and everything?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, is he bisexual?

Is this because it's really...

Yeah, he is, but can you let me have my husband call you back, okay?

Because I'm actually not in a place where I can talk about that kind of thing.

Oh, he is?

Yeah, he is.

Okay.

All right, so maybe I could take...

And we're completely open, but let me have my husband call you.

Okay.

What's your husband's name?

My husband's name's Tom.

Okay, bye, Tom.

Okay, well, let Tom give me a call back.

Sounds good.

I will.

Thank you.

I wasn't expecting that talk.

I don't get it.

Hello?

Hello.

I responded to your add-on Craigslist.

You need help moving?

Yeah, for bisexual movers.

Okay.

Where are you at and where are you moving to?

Well, don't really have a place to move to.

I am off of, you know where Navasso and Arville is?

No, not really.

I'm on the east side, northeast over by the base.

I don't know the area that well.

It's kind of south of 592, Arville and Navasso, 4400.

I'm new here

I don't know

It's by the bus stop

Oh, by the DTC?

Like kind of

Spring Valley area

Kind of

Spring Valley, okay

Yeah

Is that a problem?

Uh

Well, I worked

Well, tomorrow I work

Till four

I don't know what time

You wanted to move

I got

I have to be out

By five

Um

Okay

Yeah, I need someone

Who can lift boxes

And maybe I could

Take a picture or two

Of the damage

That happened here

What stuff do you have?

Uh, we got about

25 boxes

Of comic books

Uh-huh

yeah and then i've got a dresser and a bed set but you if you want do you want the bed

i'm trying to get rid of the bed the tv the 32 inch tv okay all right and then on the bed um

are you pretty healthy i mean i don't want you to have like a heart attack you sound kind of old

no no you're 36 you work out okay nice muscles and all that yeah okay let's go what's your waist

size like 34 36 33 you like to wear like tight jeans or you wear tight jeans or baggy how do

you like to wear your jeans would you come down a t-shirt t-shirt and jeans yeah you want small

because it's going to be degrees okay so you wear a t-shirt and jeans that'd be nice you have a hat

on that's fine that i prefer no hat so you come in uh how's your hair is it short is it long

short hair tight jeans uh t-shirt no i'm wearing something like 90 something degrees i'm not

not wearing jeans no you're not wearing jeans yeah i'm just trying to get a mental picture of

you know what you got you know if you got a nice little thing on you or not when you come down

because we'll be taking pictures and all that and take pictures of you what's that now just

take maybe take some pictures together for who for me and my website i'm helping you move for

freaking tv well it's bisexualmovingman.com say what bisexualmovingman.com okay yeah i'm

Wait a minute, so what's your address?

4400.

What's your address?

4400 Flamingo Road.

4400 Flamingo.

West Flamingo.

Am I getting paid for this?

Yeah.

All right.

TV.

TV, huh?

Yeah, we got Vizio TV, 32-inch, or you can choose the bed set.

It's a Serta.

Okay.

All right, I got to do this, huh?

We'll start with pictures, yeah.

Okay.

You have a drink.

All right.

Okay.

The drink might taste a little funny, but just have a drink and you'll relax.

It'll relax your anal muscles a little bit, okay?

I'll call you after work.

That sounds good.

Yeah, definitely.

Do you have any friends you want to come over to or anything?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

I mean, if you're interested, I mean, we can make you a big star, you know?

Okay.

I'm all, yeah.

Sounds good.

All right.

I'll call you after work, all right?

All right.

Talk to you then.

See you later.

Okay.

Bye.

All right.

What is wrong with Las Vegas, man?

Everyone's gay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my house is in Las Vegas.

It's Las Vegas.

I didn't know that.

Hello?

How's it going?

This is Tom.

You spoke with my wife a few minutes ago.

Yeah, this is bisexual.

Regarding help for tomorrow.

This is bisexual Tom.

Or tonight.

Yeah, you were going to come.

Yeah, what were you going to be wearing when you came down?

What was I going to be wearing?

Yeah.

I mean, do you guys need to help move and stuff?

Yeah, but, you know, we take a few pictures and all that.

Your wife said you were bi.

Yeah, but, I mean, I actually responded to the ad, you know,

based on, you know, you guys needed some help moving out, not on the other.

Yeah, we do that, too.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, we do move.

Yeah, we need help moving out.

My wife got slapped in the face and everything and dragged down the stairs

by the landlord, so we need to get out of here.

And if you want, we don't have any room for the TV or the bed,

and there's a PlayStation 2 if you want it.

Okay, how much stuff do you guys have to move?

We have 20 boxes.

Half of them are just comic books.

Okay, and where are they going from to?

And did you want to, when are you looking to do this?

We're going to a storage unit about three miles away, and that's all we need.

We're going to be squatting inside the storage unit, so we prefer that, you know, you don't say anything.

None of my business.

Okay, that's fine.

But when were you guys looking to do this?

We need to be out before noon.

We're going to, you know, try to do it on our own.

We just need help loading up the truck and then unloading it at the storage unit.

You've got a truck, so you just need to load and unload boxes?

Yep.

And what's, because I work tomorrow at noon, so what side of town are you on?

Because I'm just trying to figure out timing-wise.

I'm new to the area, Flamingo Road area, West Flamingo.

West Flamingo?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, if you want to come in the morning and we can set it off, you know,

So maybe come a little earlier.

I mean, if you're game, you want to have some fun, you know.

I mean, that's always a good thing.

Yeah.

So your wife said you were bisexual and that you're open?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Has she ever had something?

I'm kind of curious how you went to that off of, you know.

Your wife was attracted to me.

She said that I sounded hot and all this stuff.

And I said, well, you know, I don't know because I'm married.

Well, because while we called about the Craigslist ad that you had posted,

so she didn't say any of that.

I was right next to her.

Yeah, she got all into it.

She was all into it when I was talking to her.

I really, she hit it off with me.

She said she was volunteering all this information that you were bisexual

and they had an open relationship and everything.

Yeah, that's cool.

Well, I'm just kind of curious how it got, you know,

it usually in the course of two minutes usually doesn't go from that to that

is all I'm saying.

You know what I mean?

Your wife's like that.

She's a dirty girl.

Girl, what can I say?

You're a dirty wife, girl.

Dirty wife.

Naughty wife.

It's not my fault that your wife wants to sleep with me.

I mean, it's not my fault.

I mean, she said, you know, apparently she wants you involved, too.

You know what?

I think I'll take a bath on it, man.

Good luck with everything, though.

Can I talk to your wife real quick?

No.

Well, she's into me.

Come on.

Dude.

Come on.

Dude, you know what?

None of that conversation took place.

I was sitting right next to her, man.

She called me before.

Dude, now have a good one, man.

Your wife.

I can see your wife.

What are you doing?

You're just creeping out these four Craigslist collars.

I will drive them.

I'm creeping them out.

I'm the one creeping them out.

They're the wife.

Oh, yeah.

We got an open relationship.

Yeah.

I've talked to two random guys, and both of them are into dudes.

Both of them.

Yeah, I'm the creep.

I'm on their side.

Yeah, I'm the problem here.

Nina reminded me, for lonesomes, for lonesomes numbers,

asked people how come it is

too hot

and it gets dark

too early.

I'm playing about it because

it is confusing and I asked them to stop.

Apparently it's

really hot in the UK for September

and it's getting dark early.

What is it like

at 80 or something?

I don't know.

Is it like 79 and they don't know what to do?

What is it?

What is it like 20 Celsius or something?

Are they having to plug in a fan and they just wear shorts instead of the long stockings?

Just walk around shirtless in the boxers.

It's not a big deal.

That's what we should do.

Hey, it's fine just to walk around for a few nights in your boxers and you don't have to wear a shirt.

And you can actually take off your socks.

box it's okay it will people feel so much better and if you have the luxury you have a little you

have a little oscillating fan somewhere go ahead and turn it on it's gonna be okay yeah it's in

the 50s down here and i'm in my underwear right now you can't see yeah it's yes but some here

i walk around my underwear all day if i could work in my underwear i would if i go to that

interview tomorrow my underwear i would shit i'm gonna ask them i'm gonna get us a hey you

I've gained a lot of weight

you mind if I take

these pants off

you want to take

some pictures

it's okay

just to wear a muumuu

imagine if

you know

God plays a trick

on you

y'all ain't gonna see

under my muumuu

so I can just wear

a muumuu

and that's

it'll be alright

with that

because my balls

sweat so much

God could play a trick

on me tomorrow

and I end up like

you know

the guy's gonna

want to take pictures

of me during my interview

yeah

wasn't it fame

with Coco

didn't she go for an interview for a job

and the guy wanted to take pictures

you know what I'm talking about

well that was Coco

you sure are no Coco

I love you so beautiful Coco

you're gonna be a star

yeah I don't think that's gonna happen

well because it's Coco

it's not gonna be you

sure it is I could be Coco

you're no Coco

sir

I'm no Coco

I knew John F. Kennedy.

I serve with John F. Kennedy.

Yo, sir.

Man, are we talking a lot tonight.

Having fun, though.

Time of our lives.

Yeah, he said those chills are making talky-talky.

All righty.

That's the hippies.

It's the talk-talk show.

Thanks, Sam, for your patience tonight.

Artie, that's right.

what we're gonna talk about soddy okay all right i guess what's your phone number can you give it

out well you have it but it's not in skype and i can't see very well hang on what is it i got it

i got it don't don't say that a lot hey we're getting a call coming i gotta go i gotta sell

off some furniture i'll be right back with you this is such a fucked up shit today hello how you

doing good i'm calling regarding about the boss you put on the correct list the porch yeah you

say you're moving tomorrow in the afternoon and you need some help my wife got attacked by a gang

of mexicans so we have to move out i'm sorry my wife got attacked by a group of mexicans so we

have to move out because the next mexican i see is gonna get it i'll tell you what you know that

feeling you know what i mean yeah all right so what was your name jesus oh oh where are you from

where are you from i'm from la are you involved with what happened to my wife today no what

happened these mexicans came over and they kept trying to sell her a vacuum cleaner okay then

then she slept with one of them you understand okay so i took yes i took her down to the church

and then they all right they threw in the baptismal font okay yeah it's a lot of mexicans

around my dad you know bad mexicans a lot of bad mexicans if you know what i mean so what do you do

yeah you like moving stuff yes i do you have good muscles yes i do okay do you wear jeans

t-shirt okay so what are you working tomorrow are you off i'm off on the afternoon okay so maybe

what i'm thinking you want do you want the bed what do you want the tv or the bed or i'm interested

the bed the bed okay so here's what we're gonna do if you help me move these boxes and you put

them in the trailer right yeah i got i got a small pickup okay that's good and then three

miles away is the um three miles away there's a a storage unit okay okay okay and then we put

them there and then i want to put the bed in the back of your pickup truck okay okay and then i

I want to go by my wife's work, and we're going to get back at her.

I'm going to sleep with a Mexican this time in the parking lot in front of her work,

and I want all her co-workers to see me sleeping with a Mexican.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to shave my private parts, I'm going to shave my assholes,

and then I want you to put it inside of me with no condom.

You understand?

Oh.

I have my friends videotape it, and then we're going to call all her co-workers outside to come see it

and embarrass her.

Really want to do that?

Well, yeah, she slept with a Mexican, and I'm going to do it, going to get back at her.

This is what needs to be done.

Are you okay?

No, not really, sir, because I was thinking to take my wife to help me with the bed.

I'm not that kind of Mexican, you know.

Oh, okay. You're not gay Mexican?

Half and half.

Oh, you're bisexual?

No, half Mexican, half white.

Okay. Well, that's okay, then.

So, is your wife full Mexican?

No, she's white.

This isn't going to work.

Will you please have sex with me in front of my wife?

No, sir, I can't.

Really, I can't.

I'm loyal.

I'm loyal to her.

But what if your wife is there watching?

No, no, sir.

I'm not that kind of person.

Okay.

No?

Thank you anyway.

Can I touch you?

Okay, go ahead.

Can I touch and kiss you?

No, sir.

Just touch you.

That's it.

Just touch.

You don't touch me.

I just, you touch.

You sit in the bed, and I touch you.

Is that okay, Mr. Mexican?

We lost him.

He was saying half and half.

I thought we had another one.

I was like, what the hell?

What's wrong with this?

I touch you.

I touch your number.

No, no, no.

I'm not that kind of guy.

I'm not that kind of Mexican.

Not that kind of Mexican.

Taki's not that kind of Mexican.

I touch your number.

Hello?

How you doing?

What's going on?

You got a problem?

What?

Thing.

Huh?

Not working.

What?

What thing?

Thing.

What?

Thing's not working.

Hello, can you fix the TV?

I'll touch the TV.

Yeah.

Touch the TV for me.

Make it go.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

Can you please make my TV go?

Can you make my TV go?

I don't think so.

Why not?

Can you, can I watch TV with you?

I don't think so.

Are you, are you sexy?

You know what?

No, no, I'm sorry.

I have your number on my caller ID oh no I blocked it right yes no it came through

and as soon as you hang up no I'm gonna call the police and tell them where to go get you

it was a mistake I'm sorry I thought you were my girlfriend no you didn't think I was your

girlfriend oh you have a boyfriend my husband just said he's gonna come over with a gun and

shove it up your ass

and blow your balls off.

That's violent.

That's a crime what he said.

Put him on.

Oh, really?

Put your gay husband,

bisexual husband on.

You

don't think I'm coming up with it to fuck you up, you stupid motherfucker?

What are you going to do?

I'm going to put a gun up your fucking ass and fucking shoot you fucking nuts off.

That's what I'm going to fucking do.

I'm really scared, ma'am.

You better be, motherfucker.

You better be.

You better fucking hope you don't live close to this motherfucking place.

I do.

I live behind the Burger King.

Are you ready to hang up now?

Can I talk to him again?

No, I don't think so.

Does he wear jeans and shirts, T-shirts?

like a bridge over troubled water i'll lay you down don't you have anything better to do with

your life yeah what why aren't you doing it let's study i've got a midterm tomorrow yeah well it'd

be it'd be smarter to uh study wouldn't it why did you call my number well i meant to call my

friend arty but i misstyled the number well you seem nice at first but then your husband's so

so nasty and mean well i'll be blinding you woke him up well i thought it was his mom that answered

the phone you know because you sound like his mom and mean his mom had a thing he doesn't know about

it and it was kind of awkward yeah do you see this one time his his mom asked me an appropriate

inappropriate question and then she asked me to look in the cupboard for a knife and it was

condoms in there understand what i'm getting you know what happens when a man puts it on for the

a woman so yeah and what's the mistake well i don't want please don't call the police yeah okay

just forget my number okay and don't call it again can i apologize to your husband please

no i don't think so just put him on i want to apologize it's very important to me

no he's gone back to bed put him on he wants to talk to me he said no come on no my husband has

He has a heart condition.

I'm not going to yell at him.

If you upset him, that disturbs anything with him, then you'd be in a lot of trouble.

You know when people die of heart conditions, they usually shit the bed?

I'm sorry.

You'd have to clean it up.

That happens when everyone dies.

You know that?

If you just take a shit, it doesn't happen.

Like Elvis.

No, it does.

He had already taken a shit.

It happens with everybody.

John Wayne, there was like five pounds worth of poop that came out of him, they said, after he died.

No, they said 30.

30? Oh, my God.

30. Get your information straight.

Can you imagine?

You think he was probably saving it up, right?

Don't you have anything better to do?

I just really would hope you let me apologize to your husband.

I think you need to go home, go to bed.

Can you tell your husband from there, just say that I'm sorry?

Let me hear you say it.

Okay. He said he's sorry he bothered us.

Me too.

Yeah.

Okay.

But he's still saying something.

What did he say?

He said he's sorry too that you called.

Can you tell him to eat Cheerios because it helps out with cholesterol and that might help out?

And then he should look into lisinopril for his heart pressure.

I would say 20 milligrams of lisinopril once a day in the morning.

Okay.

Does he do any cardiovascular?

Even just walking 30 minutes can do wonders for the heart condition.

Okay.

Does he have any hardening of the arteries?

Is he diabetic or anything like that?

Yeah.

He does?

He's diabetic?

I'm a medical student.

That's why I'm asking.

I might be able to save his life or help him out.

I don't think so.

Okay.

Well, I'm sorry I bothered you.

Okay.

Bye.

Forget my number.

What was your name again?

I didn't tell you my name.

Well, you were very nice.

Thank you.

It was a nice conversation.

All right.

I love you.

Good night.

Whatever.

I tried to call Artie and I called somebody else.

That was everywhere.

That went everywhere.

I don't know what the fuck.

That was awesome.

That would be the town that I grew up in, everybody.

just so you know the kind of people i grew up with yeah yeah there you go that's yeah

someone keep every time i try to call arty arty actually guest star on this

edition of madhouse live be tuned hello um hello um um um um um here in the internet um you have

a playstation you want to give away playstation 2 yeah yeah but you have to come down and move

stuff how old are you oh yeah um god whatever no you don't deserve it okay bye there goes his

christmas he crushed him christmas christmas he crushed him poor guy seriously that was mean

what's his parents calling now yo why'd you say that to myself yeah yes that's just yeah

you have a

free station

to get away

no

shut up

leave me alone

that's funny

I thought

I really

I thought I missed out

like Artie's mom

or something

I was like

where the fuck

where's this lady

it sounded like

Artie's mom

oh really

I haven't sang to them

leave me alone

go on

with time

to kill

so it goes out

to the guy

who's gonna shoot me

in the ass

with a shotgun

and sat on the hill

crossing the plain

I drew a beat

on

adventure collectibles

and Computer Repairs.

Hey, how you doing, Big Artie?

Finally got you on here.

Hey, what's up?

Did you hear what just happened

when I tried to call you?

Yeah, I think that should be

the name of the show,

Blow Your Balls Off.

There you go.

I transposed two of the numbers

and I thought it was your mom

or something.

I was kind of scared.

That dude was awesome.

We need to keep that number.

He's got a heart condition.

He's like Mr. Burgess.

You ever heard those pranks, Tuck?

You know what I'm talking about,

right, Mr. Burgess?

Pranks from you?

No, that's an old PCU

kind of prank, you know, on the rotation

Ted would have it. Mr. Burgess

has a heart condition. Yeah. They called

Mr. Burgess for a survey, and they said that NASCAR

was going to get a black driver.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to talk to the

14-year-old. Let's say this is... No,

you can't. You're not allowed to talk to the

14-year-old. You already got that pervert

shaking away. Yeah. Hello?

Hi, um, I was calling about

your ad on Craigslist. Do you still

have that stuff? Um, well,

you need to help out Move.

I don't know if you're able to do that.

You sound like a woman.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Um, you guys...

Oh, boy.

Needed help moving?

Is that what you said?

Yeah, you know, come down, move,

take some pictures, and help us out.

You know?

Oh, yeah, no.

I wouldn't be able to do that.

So why'd you call if you can't move?

Because it say you need to move out.

Oh, in exchange for help.

I'm sorry, I didn't read it correctly.

How old are you?

Just old enough.

You're an old woman?

Hello.

God damn it.

What a bitch, right, guys?

Jeez.

What's that even mean?

Why do people even say that?

No, no, no.

You guys there?

Todd?

Yeah, yeah.

Son of a bitch.

I'm a little worried.

All right.

Sorry about it.

I added myself on mute for once.

You found out how to use a mute button, guys.

Woo!

Oh, look at that.

Woo!

Good.

I'm using a new phone machine.

Big fucking dude.

That's good.

I'm going to take the next call about moving.

All right, the next one about moving, it's in Vegas.

All right.

I'm going to go to rest.

There you go, Arnie.

Can they hear him?

Yes, I think so.

Well, yeah, you still need help moving, man.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I need some help moving some items.

Hey, I don't have a truck, man.

And all I got is, like, I got two people to help you move.

Okay, that's perfect.

Now, are they going to participate in the pre-moving activities, though?

I'm sorry?

Are they going to participate in the pre-moving activities?

What's the pre-moving activities?

Well, it's basically the fee.

Like, this is how I'm paying you.

I'm letting your guys participate in a full-on gangbang.

Dude, what's up with this TV and PlayStation 2?

Oh, yeah, and it's going to go on TV, and then we're going to save it.

We're going to videotape it with the PlayStation 2.

I thought you were giving that stuff away, man.

Yeah, and you can have it afterwards.

It might be a little dirty from the gangbang.

All right, I appreciate it.

Okay, are you interested?

He hung up. All right.

The gangbang one was pretty funny.

What do we got so far? The Mexico was funny.

My name is Jesus.

Jesus.

Here in the courthouse, the whole town was there.

The whole town was there.

Have you played the Saudi calls?

No, I'm going to. I got them in Gmail.

I'll mute.

Okay, I can have the call.

Before we take another one of those, I want to call Christopher.

He's the guy that gave out his new phone number.

He said he wanted to give out, he wanted people to send pictures of his private porch.

So yeah, Carlito, I had the best dinner ever tonight.

I had the best dinner ever.

I went, me and Kyle and Mike, we went down to Sonny's and got the all-you-can-eat pulled pork.

Oh, that's good stuff at Sonny's, man.

Oh, my God.

Shit is fucking amazing.

You know what I don't like about Sonny's with their all-you-can-eat?

They do the all-you-can-eat pulled pork and beef.

Was that just a pulled pork this time?

It's just pulled pork.

Yeah, a little later in the year, they'll do the pulled pork and beef at the same time,

and it's really good.

It's a good deal.

Oh, really?

Yeah, definitely give it a shot.

Colin's funny as a 14-year-old, though.

He's like, no, forget it, no.

I should have asked if he was Mexican and then said no.

I'm like, no.

Ruin the kid's day.

That's the way you do it, man.

Ruin the fucking kid's day forever.

All right, seriously, I've got to find Skype.

We're going to take a break in a little bit.

I've got to adjust my phone.

So where's Milkman?

I don't know.

I tried to call him, man.

Milkman, you know, he heard Tuck was going to be on and didn't want to be on.

I don't know why these two can't get along.

What the fuck is wrong with that motherfucker?

Seriously.

It's you.

Both of you.

He doesn't like you because you talk over the calls and over him and you don't like

him because he complains about it.

I don't know.

Well, yeah, because he complains about it.

He's being a bitch about it.

Sorry, he is.

I think that's what they call in the milk plant.

I don't know.

They call in the milk plant for...

This is the Vodafone voicemail service for 07831.

07831.

Please leave a message after the tone.

When you finish recording, please turn up or press the hash key for more options.

I already leave a message.

He's fumbling for his mute button.

I told you to leave a message, R.A.

It's too late.

I had myself on mute because you weren't in a fucking call.

You heard the part where I said leave a message, R.A.,

and you sat there on mute still?

You see, you can't do anything, R.A.

You're fucking stupid.

Well, no, I was in the middle of cooking.

Oh, you were eating again?

You just said, oh, you can eat pork.

That was like three hours ago.

Oh, my God.

So, next show, have milk then with R.A.

I see how well they go.

Probably, though, I'm having a bit of a day,

And these pizzas, they calm me.

Huh.

Are you having a Totino's pizza?

What are you doing?

The cheap 99 cent Walmart ones?

No, the $2.

I've upgraded to the $2 ones.

I'm going to find Soddy.

He's going to beg to have me back after that show.

All right, so listen, guys.

This is a prank call that Artie did here.

I'm going to play it.

This is to the comic book guy in the hometown that I grew up in.

We should mention that he never allowed trading,

and he banned Carlito from the shop because he traded cards.

Yep, I traded Magic Cards and he banned me and Eddie.

You know Eddie Garcia that we talk about?

Yeah.

I based the character on a friend of mine.

What were you trading, Magic Cards?

Magic Cards, yeah.

He said you couldn't trade Magic Cards because it took away from his business.

What a dick, right?

What an asshole.

Anyway, let's listen to that prank call.

SSL industry, whatever.

Anyway, it's going to sound low, but I think because it's...

Hey, I'm looking for magic cards.

Okay.

Now, which ones do you have?

What sets, you mean?

I said, which magic cards do you have?

You mean packs or cards?

Packs.

Packs, I only have Fist Dawn, Cold Snap, and Savior.

Okay, do you have any tournaments there ever?

I used to, not anymore.

Oh, really? Do you get a lot of business for Magic Cards?

Oh, I did. Yeah, in fact, I had some guy come in from, how do you call it, the University of Florida.

Really?

And they spent almost $800 here.

Oh, wow. And do they ever come in and trade them?

They do sometimes.

Okay, and you allow that?

The what?

You allow that?

I used to, but not anymore because I don't have tournaments here anymore.

Why not?

because the parents that have younger kids pain in the butt that's why is it

because is it because you're a sex offender you might be the sex offender

you son of a bitch Wow Wow she's always can draw a full

circle in it 14 year old sex offending sex offenders magic I love it I love that

call. It just brought memories of

my past.

We should call him back. We should get his phone number.

Did he text your number back in the past?

Yep. That guy?

Yep, he texted my number, alright.

Wow, we got a lot

of people listening tonight. We got

25 on Cacti Radio

and another 15 over on Livestream.

That's pretty good. Not bad.

Man, pretty good crowd for a live show.

40 of you, despite the fact that I'm

tonight. You know, the show's somewhere about

out there right there and right about here there and then already got on and forget it sorry about

it huh how about it i said sorry about it that's all right i asked you to call in i asked you to

be a guest we usually call the um the chat line you know that's it's just it takes a long time

to set that up dude and you know that's something just to do off and and what we need to do is do

those just record them you know what i mean the good stuff yeah and edit that out you know and

And then, yeah, the chat.

I want to talk to Chris again.

Chris.

The gay Chris.

Oh, yeah, in the gay conference rooms there.

Yeah, that's true.

You want to talk about the story with the girl who wanted a phone card?

Was there a girl who wanted a phone card?

I don't remember that.

Yeah, and we said that we'd pay for it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't talk about that.

Yeah, me and Artie were pranking this chat line.

And there was a girl on there who was like, yeah, you know, my baby needs diapers.

papers and i need money for my prepaid cell phone if anybody out there is generous you know so we're

like all right cool and then we then uh me and arty well i left the messages arty gave out his

burner cell phone and uh we told her yeah you know you know we want to see some pictures first

so she sent arty arty what did she send you exactly send her a face picture she sent a face

picture and like a picture of her tits and her bra right yeah and then uh she got upset because

Because Artie didn't send the money, of course.

She wanted $40.

And Artie, what, you called her and asked for phone sex, right?

Yeah, and she's like, well, I can do that after you send the money.

But I even got a Bear City picture after she had sent the originals

because she was desperate.

She had to get the money by 9, and it was like a quarter after 8.

Yeah, and you were telling me, just tell her no.

I said, no, no, take your time.

You know, you've got to go in slow with these things.

You know what I mean?

You've got to go in slow.

And then she sends me the picture.

She's like, I'm trusting you.

and I was slightly disappointed

but the funniest part about this chick

is the next day I sent her a text

saying I'm sorry, she's like for what

I'm like I'm sorry I didn't send the money

and this was probably because her Walmart

she had to go to the Walmart to get the money

and she said it closed at 9 and this was probably

about 8.30, she's like go send the money

now

yeah, well then remember

I checked the exif data and the pictures

and they were taken like days prior

like she was lying, she broke the deal

She broke the deal. She didn't say yes. She broke it. I'm not shouldn't be sorry. She already asked for fresh pictures. There's another

I don't want pictures she's sending to other guys.

You say you got a free star. I need TV. I don't know fake station. You show me how to hook up. That's good. That's good man. You call me. Antonio.

What?

4-2. You call me back.

What was it? What? What?

I'm surprised this guy can even read on the Craigslist ad.

I'm calling to help you move.

You say you got a free spot.

I need TV.

I don't know PlayStation.

You show me how to call.

That's good.

That's good, man.

You call me.

Antonio.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

You call me back.

Is he Italian or Mexican?

I can't hear it anyway.

It sounds like I can hear it anyway.

It sounds like Mario.

All right.

Hey.

Exactly.

Thank you for that.

What?

I'm wondering if this might mean something.

I might be going to a place Friday or Saturday night.

Rachel's.

Rachel's is stupid.

That's what?

No, but one of my brother's friends works there, and I've always wanted to see her naked.

You're not going to see her naked at Rachel's, dumbass.

They don't have nudity there anymore.

They don't even show tits.

They don't?

No, they haven't shown titty there like in ten years.

But this girl, I've known her forever.

She might hook me up.

There's no sex in the champagne room.

You said nothing about the champagne room.

I was talking about my bedroom.

Okay, yeah, Artie, you're going to take the stripper home and fuck her.

Yes, everybody heard that.

Do I need to provide video?

It's the same one.

I thought that was a different voicemail.

I need a TV.

And he says something about hook up.

He said, a hook up?

I need a hook up.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Anyway, look, we got a request of pranks here, okay?

And we got to get to those.

But before that, we take a break.

We take a break.

Antonio wants us to take a break.

Because I've been all over the place today with the show.

And I'm not feeling well.

And, you know, whatever.

whatever you don't like it too bad don't listen anymore okay i'm in a surly mood i'll be back in

about six minutes how you like them apples for the break you should play you're called

for the break you should meet yourself and that's hot i hope that when you die they put your gps in

your box and a trap door at the bottom so when you die you open up trap door at the bottom

you check the gps and you go straight down to the hell madhouse radio is back you are bigger

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Yeah, let's take them back.

Uh-huh.

Coming up, I was confused.

My mommy kissing the girl.

Confused in the curse.

Coming up in the cold world.

Daddy in a round.

Probably out committing felony.

My favorite rapper used to sing.

Check, check out my melody.

I want to live good.

So shit, I said I want to live good.

Oh, wow.

This is Evil Artie's graduation song.

Hi, everybody.

Thanks for tuning in.

Oh, congratulations on your graduation.

Yeah.

Evil Artie's graduation song.

Free-a-yo.

I don't know.

Could be.

Hello.

These kids like to rap songs.

Could be.

It's part of my life.

Yeah.

We thought that.

You know, I want to talk about it.

I want to say something.

Oh, no.

I probably shouldn't.

I'm not in the right frame of mind right now.

It will come across angry and bitter.

And rude.

And it might cause some problems in the show.

Or maybe I just keep my mouth shut.

Okay.

Keep talking to everyone.

everyone.

Maybe I should just

do my thing.

Say it to your mind.

Just hold things in.

Make sense.

Gotta let the poison

out of my system.

So would you like to talk about my

fire experiences?

Yes, yes I do.

I want to talk about Arty. What's your fire?

Okay. Well, when I was

was younger about 14 i was put in um the university behavioral center because i burned down the

neighbor's house and my parents found me jacking off to it wow i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm joking

he's not gonna take you where is this full circle no i was actually 17 when i was putting that place

for something similar i wasn't masturbating to a fucking fire though well you brought it up

You brought it up.

That was just a joke I came up with.

The masturbating arsonist.

Well, you're real.

No, you're not.

I used to do that shit on fire in the fireplace.

Sitting shit on fire, number one.

I don't know.

Okay.

We'll find out.

You probably shouldn't masturbate either, sir.

I don't think that's...

Yeah.

You shouldn't.

Or she at least really slowed down a little bit.

From what I understand.

You know, just nothing.

I don't want to talk about it.

What don't you want to talk about?

Let's just say information came across my desk, which I could use for nefarious reasons.

Against who?

Against somebody.

A person.

Me?

No, not you.

Nobody.

None of you guys.

Not you or Tuck or Milkman or any of those guys.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, nobody who's a friend.

Well, I'll be right back.

Oh, boy.

Take your time.

I'll be right back.

Can you tell me now that he's not here?

It has nothing to do with him or you.

Okay.

Don't worry about it.

Let me handle it.

Okay.

It's fine, because I'm actually in a very good position now

to get rid of a problem that started a little over a year ago.

A year ago?

A little over a year ago.

What do you think?

What is going on?

Shut up.

Why don't you shut up, Tuck?

The trap has been sprung.

Let's just say that.

Okay.

Okay, we got numbers from Noonoo.

We should do those.

See what they are.

Oh, shit, we got numbers from Lois and Loser.

Dude, Lois, I'm sorry, dude.

I got an interview at 9 o'clock in the morning, and it's currently 1.20 a.m., and I'm still up and wide awake.

This does not bode well for me.

I

thought it would be a good idea to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon so I'd

be fresh for the show, and then it ended up becoming a four-hour nap instead of a

one hour nap and i'm mostly nervous about the interview too so you know how it goes anyway look

we got a number for joe joe works at unemployed works at unemployed okay makes sense i love a lot

of people were there right now that's my job it's a good place to be or the saying i'm in between

joe hey i'm unemployed i just realized i'm a piece of shit study at 99 99 all right he studied at

expelled for being too good looking uh-huh lives in xxx married to jenny pine he is 26 but looks

over 40 his wife is 21 but looks at least 30 that's not bad i gotta save the number that we

call with a guy with a heart condition because maybe we can call him and give him a heart attack

and kill him yeah man imagine that we kill them

I don't think so.

Imagine a street cred we get there and a prank call scene.

We'll be all over it.

Friday Night Pranks can't claim they killed somebody.

Zolar never killed anybody.

Well.

Well, there was that one time.

Zolar never killed anybody on the air.

On the air, no.

KDK faked that he killed himself once.

Remember he played a gun like he was going to shoot himself?

Yeah.

And KDK was like, oh, I was kidding.

Because he chickened out

after he tried to actually do it.

He was...

Wasn't he playing with...

He says he was playing with a shotgun

and it went off

and he got scared

and got in his car

and drove away.

That's the thing to do.

Yeah.

You know?

Stay away for a few hours

until he came right back.

He gave code and left me.

All right, guys.

Nothing.

All right, guys.

I'm going to go back to the chair.

We'll do some lonesome numbers

and we'll do some new, new numbers.

Looks like the numbers

have slowed down from Vegas.

us sleeping beauty motel in london cool windsor in london cool mr man mr man call him we got a

few people named wilson awesome well thanks lonesome loser we're gonna get to those right

now bro sorry i wasn't paying attention it's been a crazy night for me man do do do do uh in our

fantasy football league i am up against big andy former co-host of the show used to be sitting

right there where tuck is right now the chair has never been the same

wait a minute before i call people let me see what is that i'm pasting in here stupid carlos

stupid blind fat carlos december ends in da da da da da seriously i know there's a lot of people

who are listening still i i know i'm just in a weird mood i can't explain hello mr wilson

yes good evening sir i just wanted to let you know the high the temperature is going to be

quite high today did you prepare yourself to hydrate get nice clean clothes nice you know

cool clothes on i'm calling from the united states heat administration we're supposed to warn the uk

citizens before they wake up that they need to properly hydrate and not spend too much time

outside because of the heat have you prepared yourself because of the heat it's six o'clock

in the morning i know the sun's about to come out and when the sun comes out so i'm still in bed

Oh, dear.

I had down here that you were an early riser.

I wasn't aware.

Yeah, I'll look that up.

Thank you.

Are you hydrating yourself?

It's not that late there.

Not that early, rather.

Come on, it's 6 o'clock in the morning.

You should be up milking the cows by now.

Oh, yeah, but you've got to dine.

Get up before.

The milkman's going to be there any minute now.

Milkman himself.

My daddy used to get up at 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4 in the morning.

And touch you.

Yeah.

Has to touch your penis.

He's cows, chickens, he's doing all the chores.

Tucky, Tucky.

Yes, hello.

Yes, did you prepare yourself with proper hydration,

milk, some cookies, and waters?

It's just warmed up, yeah.

Listen, I need confirmation that you're prepared for the heat, please.

Yes, I am.

We're going to have to send someone over there to check your temperature, okay?

Now, do you have white-colored or light-colored clothes you're going to be wearing?

What are you talking about?

Don't go outside in the heat.

It's dangerous.

You could die out there.

You could fall on your back and not be able to stand back up, and no one would know.

And someone could come by and kill and rape you.

You wouldn't even know about it.

They could take pictures of you in jeans and a T-shirt.

Right.

You know what?

I'm going to be at work today.

I'm going to be training about people.

I really think if I fall over and somebody fucks me up, yeah.

They might notice.

I was supposed to understand what that meant.

I don't know.

I'm American.

I don't understand your accent, your stupid, disgusting accent.

Hello?

This is United States Hydration, non-existent bullshit.

Please, I'm going to be fine, all right?

I'm going to be surrounded by people.

I'm not going to fall over.

I'm not going to get raped.

Don't call back.

I'm so worried about you.

Please, I'm putting you down as...

I'm still worried about him, Tuck.

I think he's going to get raped.

I'm not going to fall over, and I'm not going to get raped.

It's a damn shame that the lab house is making that noise today

because it's ruining the calls.

Some of them have been all right.

Hi, this is Dan.

Sorry, can I bring you to court now?

Oh, coming to court right now.

Coming to?

All right.

All right, let's call the next Wilson up.

I'm not going to.

I'm going to be surrounded by people.

I'm not going to fall over, and I'm not going to be raped.

Tuck, you got that?

Yes.

He's good.

He's safe.

He's okay.

Thank God.

No jeans, no t-shirt.

He's going to be all right.

Jeans, no t-shirt.

You'd be okay.

I should tell him that it's okay to go out in underwear because of the heat.

Yeah, yeah.

It's understood.

It's understood you might have to wear underwear.

No.

It's not going to be me.

Someone's going to be walking around, oh, that guy can't get out.

Let me put my dick in his ass.

Perfect sense.

Tuck, you've been doing really good with muting lately.

I appreciate that.

Thanks.

Very good.

I'm going to call the other UK guy back, see if he needs a rape whistle.

Well, you know, I don't want anyone complaining that I talk over him or anything.

Oh, God, Tuck.

Tuck, I'm sorry, man.

It's just, you know.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it that way, Tuck.

You're doing good.

See, look.

No, I mean, you brought it up earlier, so I mean, I guess I can now at least be more candid about it.

I feel bad now.

Why did I bring it up?

See?

It's like my wife when she asks me if something makes her look up bad, and I say it does.

She gets upset.

She says she doesn't, but she does.

Ah, fucking wife.

I need an open relationship like that guy in Vegas.

I'm going to court now.

Give me a message. I'll get back to you.

Nah, he won't answer anymore. The fuck?

Alright, well, I was gonna offer him a rape whistle in case he's getting raped.

You know, he can just blow the whistle.

Tuck, you ever use a rape whistle?

Uh, rape whistle, no. Not...

No, I don't... No, I haven't... No.

Oh, okay. Good.

A rape whistle.

Rape whistle!

Alright.

Yeah, I'd be so nervous if I was getting raped.

I'd probably, you know, like...

try to use the whistle and you spit it out instead of blowing it i probably panicked i'm not using

right so then i'd have my friend practice you know raping me just for practice just for practice

you ever heard of a girl who will go down on a guy like suck a guy's dick and say he's just

for practice like it doesn't mean anything i'm just practicing i knew two women i knew two friends

of mine growing up that said that they one was his roommate and it's like no she's stupid she

I wasn't that lucky.

Yeah, he was like, it was his roommate, and she would, you know, suck his dick.

And, you know, her thing was like, it was just for practice.

Like, I don't love him, I don't have any friends for him, it was just for practice.

Like, okay.

And then another friend of mine, it was a co-worker of his, and it was the same thing.

She was doing it just, quote-unquote, for practice.

Whatever.

Some woman out there really dumb, dude.

No offense, I'm not trying to be sexist or nothing, but there's really bad parenting out there.

Mm-mm.

3207.

Yes, hi.

6924, how are you doing?

Pardon?

This is 3207?

Yeah.

This is 6924.

What's your 1020?

Over.

Are you reporting in?

Yeah, I'm calling about the heat.

We're supposed to call, calling around, making sure everyone's making proper preparations for the heat.

We got to make sure that you're hydrating yourself correctly.

I had you down on a list of people who needed assistance.

No, I bet you're talking.

No, you know about the heat, right?

No, bye, goodbye.

It was extreme heat.

You could get raped.

He's one of those that answers...

Nunez was mentioning he wanted people that answer where they get the number out.

There you go.

628-5.

629-4.

Nobody.

Excuse me a moment.

All right.

I got to talk to you about skunks.

Oh, he answered.

I didn't answer.

I didn't pay attention.

Yes.

Hey, I didn't mean to call so late.

I had seen your ad on Craigslist about you guys...

Think you guys need some help moving?

Yeah, you know what they say about assuming, right?

Huh?

You know what they say about assuming?

I didn't say I assume anything.

thing you know when you assume you know what you do to me you make an ass out of you and me

you know hello yeah you know that one you ever hear that one before yeah yeah there was a man

who was assuming and he made an ass out of you and me oh crazy it's not true real no no it is

i need help moving i was just trying to make humor that's all i'm sorry oh i thought this

i thought this was one of those you know those recordings you know uh those recordings that

like somebody sent me a recording, one of my friends

recording, and I was sitting there

talking to it, but it was a recording the whole

time, so I didn't know if it was somebody

on here for real. No, no, I'm a guy. I'm a dude.

Okay, okay, okay.

Anyway, so, yeah,

we got about 20 boxes

of items and about

15 of comic books that we need to put in.

We have a trailer already.

The landlord came and threatened my wife

and slapped her in the face and dragged her down

outside and everything. You kidding me?

No way.

We got to get out of here.

Yeah.

When are you trying to move?

Well, we're moving this stuff into a storage unit, and we're going to sleep in the storage unit,

and you're not supposed to tell anybody about it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

But the stuff on there, you say you have a PlayStation 3 or something else?

There's a PlayStation 2.

Yeah, a PlayStation 2.

There's a TV.

And a queen-size bed.

Yeah, and we got a lawnmower, a chainsaw, and a log splitter.

Man, I'll help you.

I got a truck.

If you guys want to move tonight, I can help you.

No, we got to do it tomorrow.

Tonight's not good.

Okay, okay.

I got a plan, you know.

In for the night.

It was a horrible, horrible experience today.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Did Metro come out when he did that?

He's, like, African-American, so we're kind of scared of him.

I'll beat his ass.

I'm African-American.

Oh, you are?

Yeah.

The thing is, my wife might be a little, she's still kind of scared of black,

I'm sorry, African-Americans, not because of what happened.

Oh, no, I'm not cut like that.

No?

No, I ain't cut like that.

Y'all should have did something to them.

In Vegas, I don't like these Vegas people.

No way, they plastic.

The blacks or the whites, they plastic.

Right, that's what I'm saying.

Most of them plastic.

I ain't saying all of them is, but most of the people I met out here, they plastic.

They not real.

Right.

Yeah, see, I'm from Georgia originally.

Okay, I came out here from where?

From Michigan.

Oh, from Michigan?

Yeah, over there in Georgia, you know, you hang them from a tree or something.

Or one time, like, my grandfather said that they took a guy like that, an African-American,

and they tied his hands to the bumper of a car and they drove him through town.

Yeah, my grandfather killed four white men early in the 1900s.

Did he really?

Yeah.

That's cool.

That's like Nat Turner.

Remember Nat Turner?

You heard about him?

Yeah, yeah, I remember Nat Turner.

You don't remember Nat Turner.

Nat Turner was in the 1800s.

Yeah, I do remember Nat Turner in Virginia.

jr yeah he had the slave uprising remember he had the what he had a slave uprising nat turner did

yeah yeah it's crazy yeah i remember that turner i remember him too he was a good guy good people

what about michael max i remember him too what do you brother brother who did you prefer brother

uh brother no but he malcolm x wasn't the first person to say by any means necessary no stokely

carmichael who stokely carmichael no john brown did oh john brown did yeah you don't know who

that is no i don't no i don't get on the computer look up john brown he he he said he's going to

enslave you by any means necessary he's a white guy named john brown oh really yeah i'm sharp

i know my stuff all right well that's cool what about what's stokely carmichael's deal

who stokely carmichael you don't hear about stokely you know stokely carmichael yeah

uh you don't know about stokely carmichael stokely he started the snlcc wasn't it

you know the who the slcc snlcc snlp something like that norton negro league conference

something s sln snlcc stokely carmichael i'll tell you what see malcolm x had him right because

malcolm x is getting you know what happened he was getting ready to go to the united nations

and uh and uh he was gonna you know basically pull up uh international uh crime charges against

against the United States, against the white man,

and that's when they took him out.

Yeah.

You know, because he said basically the white man, you know,

goes around the whole world, you know, talking this about equality

and the greatest democracy in the world,

and look how they're treating, you know, their own citizens in America.

Man, they've been doing it from the beginning of time.

It goes deeper than, way deeper than Malcolm X.

America got the most corrupt regime in history.

They talk about other countries.

But for you to kill, come over to bring some people over here, take over some land, kill them,

and then kill some of the people that you brought over here, you don't get no corrupt in that.

They was talking about, what was it, South Africa or North Africa?

South Africa.

Part of Africa.

Yeah, talking about how corrupt their regime is.

Yeah.

Now, me and you get together and go down the street, decide we want to rob a bank,

y'all want to get in our business, but y'all go to a country and steal all their oil

and don't expect them to fight to the bloody end.

Right, you don't expect them to die to the last person.

Oh, they're insurgents and this and that.

No, that's their plan.

That's why they over there, man.

They ain't over there for nothing else.

Bullshit, gets me so angry.

Choke my balls off sometimes.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, you know,

and the problem with these house Negroes and field Negroes

is the other problem, you know?

Like, me and you are more like field Negroes.

And you got house Negroes that are wearing good clothes.

Yeah.

You know how it is.

sell-out Uncle Tom

handkerchief heads.

Uncle Tom, Uncle

Smith, Johnson,

Sambo's.

Yeah, what's the name?

He's one of them. Obama?

No, Clarence Thomas.

Clarence Thomas. Yeah, that's right.

I want to pull a bullet in his head.

Oh, shit. I don't know about that. What about Muhammad

Ali?

Muhammad Ali, alright. He just

blinds certain things about

about the nation right but yeah you know you know he he was in the olympics and all that so

he he blinds to certain things i ain't blind to certain things um i ain't saying that all

all muslims is bad but but some of them some of uh some of the teachers uh i don't agree with

no what about brother farrakhan how you feel about him he'd be telling the truth about when

he talked about america and other in other countries he tells you from that aspect he's

He's one of the few that tell the truth.

As far as America and how we're more corrupt than other countries, he tells the truth.

As far as his personal life and how he's been living, I couldn't say.

I don't know the real about the...

I hear you.

Farrakhan be keeping it real.

He a threat to America.

Yeah.

Hopefully he'll be all right, brother.

Farrakhan will be all right.

Well, look.

Hey, you've been on my radio show.

It's been a great conversation with you, man.

You know your stuff.

Thank you.

Hello, sir.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just want to thank you, brother man.

You're on my internet radio show.

We're out there messing with people on Craigslist, but you ended up being a pretty cool dude.

That's all I got to say.

Oh, no, I'm always cool.

Yeah.

All right, well, don't be a stranger, you know.

Okay, okay, I'll put you up.

I'll incite you on some more stuff.

All right, cool.

All right.

It's been great.

It's been emotional.

Thank you, sir.

All right.

What the fuck was that about?

Wow.

You should have given him the link.

Yeah.

You finally got a conversation you wanted to have.

I should have given him the link to the website.

Call him back.

I think he blocked his number coming in.

I'll call him back later. We'll check in with him.

We'll call him the brother man. I don't know.

He's just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael Mack's the problem

with Michael Mack.

Whatever. I wanted to mess with him,

but he just seemed like a generally cool dude.

Certainly, Carl Mack was a Black

Panther's guy. If you said that,

Yeah, he probably went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, wasn't it the SNLCC?

Isn't that what it's called?

Well, Black Panthers.

I mean, if you said Black Panthers.

Yeah, but I thought he started SNLCC.

Let me look that up.

I don't know.

I think that was the original thing about the Black Panthers.

It was like SNLCC.

People know Black Panthers.

Yeah, oh, we know the Black Panthers all right.

Let me look up SNLCC.

Yeah, was I right about that?

Southern Nevada Lotus Car Club.

No, I guess not.

Guess not.

something like that

he could

I'm not saying he didn't

I'm not saying

he couldn't

very well

the problem was

the Black Panther movement

was

and it still is a good one

but

it got ruined

unfortunately

because of crack

it got

there was a lot of

positive stuff happening

happening in the country

and then

the crack epidemic

just hit like a bomb

that's what it's saying

you know

hey I just had

something interesting happen

what

I just tried to

I tried to make a call on my phone.

Welcome back, Artie, by the way.

Yeah, thank you, bud.

I tried to make a call just now, and it said conditional call forwarding right when it started to ring.

Conditional call forwarding.

I'm trying to figure out what that means.

It's the same thing that when you put me on hold, it told me that you put me on hold.

I know what it is.

Yeah.

By the way, it's SNCC, pronounced Nick.

The Student Nonviolent Coordination Committee.

Artie, were you calling the person that we were talking about earlier tonight, today?

Yes.

Yeah.

Conditional means your call is forwarded on condition.

Like, this person has it set up so when your number is ringing, it forwards it automatically to a different place.

They don't want to talk to you.

No.

It wants to do a voicemail.

This person has it set to go automatically to the voicemail whenever you call, Artie.

It didn't go straight to voicemail.

Whatever it did.

That's the conditional forwarding.

Jesus.

Yes.

That's weird.

Yeah.

They don't want to talk to you, Artie.

I thought you weren't supposed to call this person.

I know.

Ah, you see?

Dammit.

Wonder how my phone knows.

Your phone is smart.

It's an Android.

Come on, it's a robot phone.

No, it's not an Android.

Whatever it is.

It's a burner.

You got a burner phone, right?

Is that what it is you got now?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, Artie, I don't know what to tell you.

This person doesn't want to talk to you.

Why do you want to keep insisting on calling so much?

I don't know.

You said you don't want to talk about it on the air?

No, she said we'd talk tomorrow, actually.

Well, she's not talking tonight.

You know what?

Sorry about it.

You should call again and make sure.

What do you mean?

Right now.

Call again and make sure.

Okay.

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, God.

Oh, Artie, Artie, Artie.

What did he learn after a good, swift fucking ass from a stranger?

You should show up at the girls' work.

With a pipe in the alley.

She opened the girls' work with flowers and chocolates.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I used to do.

And one of those, a packet of those matches for candles with the long stemmed, stunt lung.

You know the one time.

You know what I'm talking about.

All right.

You know those lighters for starting fireplaces?

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

It was like curling irons at times.

Yeah.

Anyway, more numbers on behalf of Lonesome Loser.

Thank you, Lonesome.

We're having fun with the U.K.

Woo!

K.K.

U.K.

United Kingdom of England and Britain.

I was doing some research there, Tuck.

I found, did you ever hear of Operation Red, Code Crimson, back in the 1920s and 30s?

The United States before.

In between World War I and World War II,

apparently the United States government spent millions of dollars

drafting a plan for a war with England and Canada.

They felt that the British Empire was getting too large

and they were going to incite a war in order to fight britain again and take over canada for

ourselves um i believe for the airports that are in like michigan and detroit that area up there

like the detroit michigan area were built they were built under the guise of civilian airports

but they really were to supposed to be used for this invasion of canada and uh yeah they had all

all these plans

basically was to do

a sneak attack

on Canada

and

this is pre

this is before

Hitler happened

oh this is better

before Hitler happened

yeah

and at that point

because

because eventually

you have to like

start a war

semi-economic

you know

that's

and that's what

and so

there was like

oh here will be

here will be

a easy one

so until

that

in Europe

start happening

and didn't make the focus.

It's like, oh, this is worse.

It's crazy.

Can you imagine us going to World War Canada?

They're so buddy-buddy now, and even Britain and stuff.

Well, I remember, well, England is a given

because, remember, we had, we went,

we just got to war with them a lot.

Yeah, but in 1915, 1920, 1930,

like right before World War II.

Still, still, you know.

They didn't cancel the plans until 1939.

Yes, Artie, what's your report?

It's not what I thought it was.

What?

I tried calling a toll-free line, and it says the same thing.

Okay.

Like the Wachovia number.

Uh-huh.

I doubt that they blocked me.

You don't know?

Well, is it a 100 line you call a lot?

Is it already?

No, it's a toll-free one that goes, you know.

That you call a lot?

Not really.

I haven't called in a while.

What does not really mean?

I usually just check my balance online.

You can't get blocked from the Wachovia number.

Artie, you should check your balance again real quick.

No, I already know what's in there.

Okay, all right, good.

16 cents.

Holy shit.

Imagine the interest on that, Artie.

Maybe I'll gain a cent by the end of the year.

Maybe you'll get two cents and we'll all be saved.

Well, no, I get 50% interest.

That's actually pretty good for it.

Is it a checking account or a savings account?

No, this is checking.

You get a 50% interest on a checking account?

How is that possible?

Well, they just love me there.

Okay.

I'm kidding.

I probably get like 0.001% of my savings.

Yeah, I mean, you can't find a savings or checking account now.

It gives you more interest than inflation.

You're better off keeping your money in a mattress these days.

Money market.

money market, the same thing as a bank account, a checking account?

Well, you can only get a certain amount of transactions a year or something.

Yeah, it's retarded.

By this higher interest.

Alternatively, you may dial 0 for reception, 2 for reservation, or 3 for the duty manager.

It's called the duty manager.

Duty.

Thank you.

Just a moment.

Good morning.

Thanks for calling.

I'll see you later.

I'll come out here.

You know, your people are recording with cameras here, aren't you?

Hello?

Your people are recording with cameras here?

Recording the camera.

Yeah, you have cameras that are recording here, aren't you?

Where are you talking about?

In the parking?

In the hotel, in the parking lot, yeah.

Yeah, which parking are you talking about?

The front parking.

Yeah, we have this TV.

Well, you know what?

Are you people watching it?

Because I was just getting intimate with my old lady over here.

and then she realized that there's cameras here.

Where was it?

In my car.

In your car?

Yeah, we were getting intimate in the parking lot

and then she said, there's cameras here, like that.

Where is it, man? Where are you now?

Well, we left, but I don't want you...

I'm going to come back.

I want to get that tape.

I don't want you looking at me having sex in the car.

You come back, I'll give you the tape back, no problem.

Are you going to give it back to me or are you just saying that?

Because I'm serious about this.

I'm coming back and you better give me...

Yeah, you come back.

Come back here and talk to me then on reception.

Are you going to watch it with me?

Are you going to watch the tape before you give it to me?

You can come back to the hotel and talk to me.

We don't discuss these things on the phone.

I'm sorry.

Will you watch it with me, though?

I need you.

How do you get into the car park?

What's your room number?

Huh?

112.

How do you get there?

3?

112.

3?

112!

112?

Listen, do you want to...

Don't shout at me, man.

What happened to you?

I'm sorry.

Are you crazy dickhead, man?

Come down here and talk to me, fucking bastard.

That's not nice.

Crazy dickhead bastard.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay.

That's not nice.

Yeah.

All righty, you talk to him.

...the all-season London Layton Hotel.

All righty.

The room number that you require, please dial it now.

All right, he's checking the interest in his bank account now.

You may dial zero for reception.

Are you trying to get a hold of me?

Thank you.

Just a moment.

I was telling you to take this one, but now I want to do it.

How about I come on and be like, hey, you done with the phone?

Shut up.

You take the next one.

You want to go to the hotel?

Yeah, there was a stupid monkey over there who called me a dickhead.

Where?

There was a jerk there who just talked to me on the phone.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

I didn't get you. Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from my car. I'm going, I'm headed back to room 112.

And a man over there called me a dickhead.

I called over here at this extension and a man called me a bad word.

Where are you, where are you calling?

I don't know. I mean, like, that's the only call we have received since last half an hour or five minutes or so.

Well, it was about less than a minute ago.

I just redialed right now.

Now, who's the manager there or whatever?

This is the duty manager, yeah.

You called my extension just now.

The duty manager?

Yeah.

If I don't hear anything when I first call in, where does it transfer to?

The front desk?

I know, because it might have been going to some room or something.

Well, no.

I said I was calling in that I needed to get a copy of the surveillance tape outside.

Surveillance tape?

Yeah, from the camera.

Which surveillance tape?

The camera that is on the parking lot outside.

Camera in the parking lot?

Yeah.

Which parking lot?

The front one.

Which one?

We got two buildings.

For the guests.

Sorry?

The one for the guests in the second building.

Which side of the road you're talking about?

The building, the east side of the road, I think.

Sorry?

The east side of the road.

Shit, damn it.

East side?

Yeah, east.

You know what the east side is towards Mecca?

I didn't find all you coming up.

I mean, like, what's your room number?

112.

We don't have 112 in the hotel, sir.

Well, then there's some confusion here.

Because I was having sex inside the car.

and the camera we noticed there was a camera looking at us okay but if you are inside the

car we couldn't it's impossible to see someone inside the car is sitting inside well i got

outside cameras are not that fine we don't have close-ups or anything we got outside for a little

bit my pants i pulled my pants down and then she was bending over um the hood and then i put it in

her from behind and we were moving the car okay you are in room number 112 you said yeah okay

Okay, you come to the reception.

I'll talk to you.

I'm down here.

Do you want to talk about it?

Do you want to watch it?

Yeah, come to the reception.

Will you watch the video with me of sex?

Please come to the reception, sir.

Please don't waste my time.

I've got so many things to do down here.

I'll wait for you at the reception.

You come down, I'll speak to you about it.

Does it excite you?

Maybe you can tell me how good I did or not.

Oh, okay, thank you.

In the video.

Oh, boy.

I want to talk to the guy who called me a dickhead, not the manager.

Shit.

How do you think we get that guy back?

I don't know.

What's up?

Yep.

I'm going around the kitchen causing havoc.

How are you?

Eating again on the phone?

Making noise on the phone?

Eating?

During the show?

No, I won't.

While we're doing the show, you're making noise?

You know the room number that you require?

Please dial it now.

Shame, Micah.

Yeah, shame.

Call room.

Not yet.

Two for reservation, all three for the duty manager.

Duty.

Miguel, let it repeat.

Hello, thank you for calling the all-season London Layton Hotel.

If you know the room number that you require, please dial it now.

Now, alternatively, you may dial 0 for reception, 2 for reservation, or 3 for the GC manager.

Thank you.

Just a moment.

Ah, this is the path we took.

Hello.

It says something like, think, think.

Invalid.

You may dial another extension number.

Or press 0 for assistance.

I meant just 1-3.

Thank you.

Just a moment.

Record the video, man.

It sucks.

We've forgotten.

You have a riot at the mailbox for the hotel manager.

manager we are unable to take your call at present please leave a message including your contact

details and we will return your call as soon as possible thank you sorry your message cannot be

delivered because that mailbox is full you may now dial another extension number or press zero

for assistance just a moment a waste of time getting ready to end the show here folks fun and

all it's our black history what black history month i can't find it about moving stuff yeah

Yeah.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

It's still available.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

You want the TV?

Yeah.

I wanted to know if there was anything else coming in the hand.

Yeah, we got a bed.

We got a bed.

I understand what you're saying.

It wasn't clear.

We got a bed.

Yeah.

You want the bed?

Yes, I do.

Okay, and you lay on the bed?

You lay down on the bed.

I'm going to watch you.

I just want you to move some stuff.

Move them around.

Okay?

Yeah.

We'll watch you move the boxes into the trailer.

We're just going to sit and watch you while you do that.

Do you have muscles, a lot of muscles?

How old are you?

240.

240, no fat.

No fat, oh, okay.

Are you black?

No fat.

You're black?

Yes.

No, I'm Asiatic.

There's no such thing as black.

I'm Asiatic.

Asiatic?

Yeah.

Okay.

What's that like for me?

I don't know.

Are you Caucasian?

No, I'm white.

Right. If I was Caucasian, I'd be from the Caucasus Mountains in Armenia.

Oh, you couldn't be from the Caucasus Mountains?

Well, that's Caucasian. It's Caucasus.

No, it's not.

That's the mountains.

No, no.

Caucasus Mountains.

The Caucasus Mountains are in Armenia.

Caucasus Mountains.

See, the black man was created by the devil.

What's the line of that?

It's in Job 3.12.

Job 3.12?

Verses 12 through 26.

That was only 6,000 years ago.

I'm checking. I'm running it through the computer right now.

It doesn't check out. Okay.

So do you want to help out or not?

Yeah, I want to help out, but I'm not going to get into the racist thing with you

because your people have done way more than my people have ever done.

I didn't say. I just.

We've been in 400 years free cattle slavery.

I just asked if you're a black, sir, and you got all upset and started screaming at me about numbers.

No, I'm not screaming about numbers.

I just told you I was not black.

I told you I was Asiatic, and you told me you was not a Caucasian.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

You was white.

Are you, you're Asian or something?

No, I'm not.

I'm Asiatic.

You're Chinese.

I've always been here.

I'm one of the oldest people on Earth.

Okay.

Is that like a...

Because F, F.

Okay, I got a question to ask you, and you be honest with me.

Are you still there?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, if the white race is older than the black race,

then that means it won't even be here because two whites can't can't produce black okay now but i

told you that lucifer but answer that question can can can two white people produce a black baby

no but lucifer created the first black baby you see and introduce him where where where did lucifer

create a black baby where did he get the material at to create a black baby the mud and in the

In the beginning was darkness, and darkness was up on the earth.

Mr. Sir, he created with mud and water from the Babylon region.

Where is that at?

Between the Tigris and Euphrates River in Mesopotamia.

Oh, yeah, and that's in the Bible?

It is in Job. I told you about that.

Well, what about Solomon? Solomon told you he was black.

No, it was fake.

No, he wasn't.

No, no, he was black.

He tell you I'm black in common, meaning I'm black and I'm peaceful.

No, it was a different.

He was.

That was a different kind of black.

No, no, no.

It was misinterpreted.

No, no, no.

No, no, that's in the Bible.

I don't know.

I just, the original man and woman were white people.

Where do you get that at?

In the Bible.

You can't prove, you can't prove that.

You don't belong nowhere on earth.

I have a picture of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis.

I mean, that's because you have tampered with the books.

I haven't.

I just bought the book.

I don't tamper.

Your race have tampered with the books.

You know what tampering is?

When the other day I saw a picture of a black Jesus.

That's tampering.

Do you know who King James was?

He was a faggot.

And I guarantee you, you've got a King James Bible there.

1611.

He's a faggot?

Yeah, you know he was a faggot.

He fought with the men, with the women, harder than he fought with the women over the men.

Really?

And you're telling me that that's the pure word of God?

You knew that.

Well, I don't have any.

You can't come to me with Greek mythology.

Who built those pyramids over there?

Did the right race?

Africa is where everybody comes from.

No, Alexander the Great.

Alexander the Great did.

No, no.

Alexander the Great didn't build no pyramids.

Yeah, he did.

He came over there.

They named it after him.

He came over there.

He came over there and raped Africa.

No, that's what they call it.

And stole from their library.

He founded it.

He stole from their library.

That's what they call it.

He couldn't have found Africa.

Africa was a civilization already.

The highest civilization had already existed.

He went over there.

He went to school over there and came back and invaded there.

Right, well.

So he couldn't have found it.

I guess y'all found America, too.

If the Africans were so smart, why didn't they kick his ass?

When they invent nuclear weapons and kick his ass.

It's coming.

No, it's because Satan has six days to rule.

Y'all got six days to rule.

Your rule is up.

Don't you see how your world is going down?

Is this Stokely Carmichael?

What?

Is this Stokely Carmichael?

No, this ain't.

No, is this Jim Jones?

Is this Jim Jones on this other end?

It's Alex Jones.

You Alex Jones?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Well, Jim Jones, I mean,

I mean, how could you tell me about the word of God?

And you have killed, everywhere you've went has been bloodshed.

Because I've been studying the Bible, and I've seen pictures of Jesus and Adam and Eve, and they were white people.

You don't even know what Jesus looked like.

I mean, Jesus told you his foot was like bronze, and his hair was like lamb's oil.

You got straightened.

Well, how could Jesus be white and his feet like bronze?

The Romans put that in the Bible on purpose to throw off the early Christians.

Have you heard of the Shroud of Turin?

Do you know what the Shroud of Turin is?

The face of Jesus?

Yeah, I know what the Shroud of Turin is.

And what does the Shroud of Turin show?

Well, let me ask you.

It shows a Caucasian man.

Let me ask you this.

How could Jesus go over into Egypt and fit in?

If he was white, he would have stood out.

He's black.

Jesus didn't go to Egypt.

He wasn't in Egypt.

He did go to Egypt.

He was in Palestine.

He never, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus ain't know nothing about no United States.

Jesus was over in the east.

He never went to, where does it say in the Bible he went to Egypt?

He was in Palestine, modern-day Palestine, Syria, and Jordan.

You don't know what you're talking about.

No, he went over to Egypt, and he went to school in Cairo.

That's why I say he finished up his school.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You're making up things, and you can't prove it up by fact.

I missed that whole part where Jesus went to school in Cairo.

Whoops.

Okay.

Yeah, I know it, but let me ask you this question.

So did you want to help me move this stuff?

No, because it would be a bloodshed over there with me because you're racist.

Is that the other black guy that's in the background that I talked to earlier?

He was pretty cool.

You're motherfucking right.

I ain't got no problem.

You were cool with me before.

Why you got to get this angry guy here?

Because I know you're a racist pig, and I let you slip some shit out your mouth.

But I'm going to tell you like this.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You're kind of young.

Before you go to saying quotes and different shit, do your homework first.

It's nothing in the Bible that ever speak of any Caucasian or white person.

Nothing in the Bible.

In the fucked up Bible, the one the faggot made, and the one that, uh, in the original Bible.

Nothing in there speak of any white or Caucasian person.

It does talk about Lucifer creating the first black man.

Yeah, just tell me that.

Let me hear how he did that, Lucifer.

Was Lucifer white?

Lucifer is actually, you know, a fallen angel from heaven.

You know, the man, the one that holds the keys to hell.

Okay, I understand that.

No, wait a minute.

I got a question for you.

You are the colored man of the earth.

Black is not no color.

Black is the original.

You can take black and get any color you want.

Black is the absence of color.

No, black is not.

It's the original of color.

White is the absence of color.

You're the pale face.

Pale nose, hook nose.

No.

No, if I turn on the light, when you turn on the light, it fills everything with color and light and black.

Well, I tell you, okay, well, I tell you this much.

If me and you traveled to different parts of this earth, I would still be black.

Your color going to change.

So who the color boy?

If the half's enough color, you going to change.

In different climates, you going to change.

Is your translator there?

No, you need a translator because you just lied.

Why do you change in different climates?

Can you seriously put your translator back on the line?

Because I didn't understand that part.

Ain't no translator.

That's what I just said.

I want you to understand this real good.

I'm saying it to you clear.

You could not stay in Africa.

You would get cancer.

You ain't got no melanin.

You have no melon in your skin.

Melanin.

No, it's called melon.

It's melanin.

Ain't no melanin.

It ain't melanin.

Melanin.

You're adding in shit.

It's melon.

Melanin.

It's melon.

Melanin.

It's melon.

Well, ask me this.

What?

You didn't even, your people didn't even build this country.

We was architects and all of that.

We built all of this.

I don't know how to do shit.

Nuh-uh.

The Freemasons built this country.

Man, no Freemasons did it.

That's why they call them the Masons.

Because they built everything.

No.

Blacks built this country, brother.

All the early Mason work was the Freemasons.

The Macy's was trying to figure out how that pyramid got built.

They didn't have shit to do with them, one of those pyramids.

Yeah, they did.

Now, if I go back and track your history, and I can show you where you're from,

you're from Europe.

Europe.

France.

No, Europe.

And they kicked out the goddamn prisoners.

Yeah, they kicked out the prisoners over there because you're dysfunctional.

You're dysfunctional.

You're all like dysfunctional people, man.

You love to kill.

You're hurting my feelings, and I don't need that.

I don't deserve what you're doing to me right now on the phone.

That's not necessary, sir.

No, what's unnecessary is we held true falsehood to knock his brains out.

You've been running around here with lies,

and then you'll get around a little black kid and try to discredit him

and show him a picture of a white Jesus, and Jesus never was white.

He said he had like bread.

This has been like it's burnt in the oven.

He wasn't black, though.

He wasn't black.

He was, but you wouldn't.

If he got lamb hair, he had like lamb wool.

The people in that region, Jews don't look black.

Do you got hair like lamb wool?

So the Jews turned white, like light-skinned all of a sudden out of nowhere?

No, no.

They said he was the ancient of days.

Okay.

Jesus was from the region where they had bronze skin.

Yeah, not black.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

And his feet was like brass.

Like brass.

That's black, man.

That's not black. Brass isn't black. Brass is like brown.

It's like reddish brown.

All right, we can put you in a ton.

We can go look it up.

Brass might look black in the dark.

Brass might look black in the dark, or when it's all dirty and grimy,

it turns green and then black.

Man, white is weak-boned.

They weaken everything. You weak-boned it.

You got a little six-ounce brain.

and you have the fucking littlest brains on the planet.

What religion are you?

What religion am I?

Yeah.

I damn sure can't be the one that your forefathers tried to teach me.

Answer the question.

All before those, they were thieves.

What are you?

Hello?

What are you?

I'm Christian.

What are you?

Can you, now let me ask you this.

Can you show me in the Bible what Jesus said he was a Christian?

Out of his mouth, Jesus said, I'm a Christian.

That would make no sense.

The Christian church was founded by...

It wouldn't make any sense if you said he wasn't Christian.

Christianity was founded by Peter, not by Christ himself.

It was named Christianity because it was the followers of him, Peter.

He was Jewish. You know that. Don't be stupid.

No, don't you be stupid. It was 300 years after Jesus passed.

Jesus didn't know nothing about him being a Christian,

and Peter didn't find his font at a church called Antioch.

300 years after Jesus passed. Now, don't you be stupid.

And then it became Christianity after that.

Don't play games.

Well, why did you ask me when did Jesus say he was found in Christianity?

Because I just wanted to hear you lie.

You just lied.

Okay, you got me.

And then I just bust you up.

You got me, crazy black man.

You just lied.

Crazy gorilla.

Sorry, Mr. Angry Gorilla.

I'm sorry.

Gorilla?

You the gorilla?

You come from gorillas.

No, I don't.

The gorillas are in Africa.

No, the gorillas is you.

That's your race.

Y'all are gorillas.

That's why Jesus said you have to be born again.

He know you can't be born again, because then that means you have to go all the way back to the origin of the essence.

And he know that you cannot be black again, because you're white.

Hey, man, this is what I heard.

I heard they was born with tails.

They do got tails today.

They got tails on their ass today.

Listen, listen, listen.

King Solomon was fucking the cave bitch in a cave.

And she had hair on her.

She was a white Caucasian, wherever you want to call it, from France, England.

White, basically what I'm saying.

And he was fucking her.

They had babies.

And the babies was getting into it with the other kids.

And they was outcast.

Is that true?

Tuck, do you have any input on this?

I'm just Tuck you there.

Is that true?

King Solomon is supposed to be said the wisest of the wise of the Bible.

That's what the Bible says.

Okay.

And he says he's black.

You know that's there.

It doesn't say he was black in there in the Bible.

It do say.

He said I'm black and I'm kindly.

Those words are in there.

Okay.

All right, you got me.

You're right.

I know what's in there.

We can sum it up like this.

The smartest motherfuckers ever to be known been a black man.

That's a fact.

That's a motherfucking fact.

No, it's not.

We're the fathers of everything.

We're the fathers of medicine.

We're the fathers of math and everything.

We let y'all build y'all world.

The smartest man ever lived is David.

Who do you think built a fucking, who do you think built a White House?

They had two carpenters from the South, two black men from the South,

on standby to build a White House.

We was carpenters.

All you motherfuckers that got them construction companies and all that shit now,

that shit was took it from us.

They stopped us from learning.

Yo, wait a minute.

I got one for him.

Do you know who the first president of the United States was?

Yes.

Oh, he don't know that one.

Yes.

Huh?

Yes.

Who?

Oh, I forgot his name.

It wasn't George Washington.

It was somebody else.

You know who it was?

It was John Henson.

He said, no, a black guy.

He was a black guy.

He know who it was.

He didn't want to set the system up.

Was he a black guy?

He know who it was.

He didn't want to say it.

Was he a black guy?

Who hurt?

Was he a black guy?

Yeah, he was John Henson.

He was really white, though, you know.

No, he wasn't really white.

He was black.

He was Asiatic.

No, no, no.

What he's saying is basically Uncle Tom.

I know what he's saying.

He's Uncle Tom, but check this out.

A day is coming.

Okay.

You see?

Don't you see?

I do.

Everybody want a piece of your race

because of what you've done to every race,

but black not a race, though,

because we ain't in a race against nothing.

No, but we are.

When everybody else gone, we still will be here.

We the fathers and mothers.

Honor your mother and your father,

and your days shall be longer in the land.

Ooh.

He ain't got no comeback for that one.

He'll still be here with the cockroaches.

Yep, that's okay.

It's ours.

We made it.

You didn't.

You ain't did nothing.

Go study for about four more years, and then come back and try to debate with us.

No, no, I'm going to tell him like they told Alexander the Great.

Come back in about 80 years when I care to answer something you ask me.

No, no, no.

That's what they told Alexander the Great.

No, this is in books.

Acts.

When he went over and eat it the first time, and they told him,

come back when you about, come back in 80 years.

And you know how old he was then.

He would have been dead in another 80 years.

And they told him, come back in 80 years when I care to answer a question that you ask me.

They was letting him know you was a fucking kid.

Okay.

Going on, back on.

Where did you learn this stuff, in prison?

No, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

No, I've never been to prison.

Okay.

The first prison that was ever invented was over in Newark, where we put y'all's ass at.

Hold on, let me tell him this.

This will let you know how slow and behind you are.

Now, I've been to prison.

He ain't been to no prison.

Now, I live in Sumlin, Nevada, one of the best, one of the nicest neighborhoods you can live in.

Now, think of where you live at right now.

You had a 400-year hand start on me.

You ain't shit.

Okay, good point.

You ain't shit.

Good point.

That's how strong the black man is.

I'm sorry, Mr. Black Man.

You ain't shit.

You're right.

I'm not.

And I'll tell you this much.

I'll tell you this much.

If God took all the girls off the earth and you woke up and wasn't no girls on earth,

you was shit on yourself.

Because you know you don't stand a chance.

You're right.

At all.

Hand-to-hand combat.

Okay.

Mortal Kombat.

You know it.

Mortal Kombat.

Man, he playing.

That's a little kid, man.

He can't debate.

debate. Go call one of your friends.

Who do you think you can debate?

They can't debate. They ain't been number

three. They don't know the word of God.

God would never leave his word with a heathen.

Evil Art is to Freemason. He's on the line.

He can debate you. Freemason? Hello?

What you doing there? Sit on that bar.

What's going on? What's going on, nigga?

What's going on, cracker?

Cracker? Monkey?

Oh, I'm not a cracker. I'm Hispanic.

Monkey. I said monkey.

What's going on, monkey? I think you the

fucking monkey. No, you the monkey.

You was a fucking monkey. You was on all four of your legs over here, and you were laying up with dogs and shit.

That's why they used you.

All right, he's a translator.

You's a monkey. You don't need a translator. I need a translator. You's a monkey.

Do you understand any of this?

I don't.

And you was made in a laboratory.

He's speaking in a strange dialect.

I just hear clicking noises.

Ain't nobody speaking no strange dialect. You was made in a motherfucking laboratory.

Did you hear that clear?

I'm speaking this bastard language good enough for you to understand it.

Hold on, let me try.

Did you hear that?

I can break it down to you in Creole, too, if you want me to.

Oh, they know they monkeys, man.

No, put it like this.

We can meet up and debate.

They don't hung up.

No, I'm here.

No, I'm going to tell you how weak y'all are.

We can meet up on your turf.

This is your turf that you took.

And then see who can out-debate each other.

We'll have your motherfucking ass run down the first highway you get to.

I'm in Afghanistan.

Man, they don't belong to no part of the earth, man.

Let me ask you this.

What part of the earth is yours that you can call just yours?

One nobody did.

What part of the earth was yours?

A nobody did.

Where?

Tell me.

Fallujah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you missed geography class in the GED class, right?

No, I didn't miss geography class.

That's the shit you pulled out your ass.

They didn't teach you in prison high school, did they?

No.

No, only place that you was, we took y'all's ass over to Europe,

and we was already over there already.

Where would you go over in Africa and blow the noses

and the lips off them statues and shit, folks?

Because you know your ass, you didn't build them.

And they all over the earth.

Do you understand that?

That's what I'm saying.

They ain't one land that they from.

Can you think of one?

They not original nowhere.

Thank you.

They not original from no part of the earth.

Listen, I want...

There's two of these things on the phone.

That's just the colored boy on the phone.

You're the colored boy.

I want you, your boyfriend, and your mom out of my fucking house by Monday.

Yeah.

We're not in your house.

I wish I was.

I tell you what.

You, your little faggot buddy, your little fuck boys, and all of that.

Y'all keep living the life.

Have you ever gotten anything on credit?

Uh-uh.

No, I don't need credit.

Don't need it.

Don't need credit.

Where do you get your credit?

You can't get nothing on credit right now.

Your world is coming down.

You see it?

Your world is gone.

You want 32-inch TV?

Go over there and get that black dude out the house like you said you was going to do.

You know he might blow your fucking head off, and I don't even know nothing about it.

You were telling me.

You're the one saying it was plastic that you wanted to kick his ass.

No, I didn't.

I told you people out here in Vegas is plastic.

Yeah, okay.

You said that the black people were plastic.

But you started out with them.

I don't understand.

understand. I don't understand anyway. Your woman must not be too fucking out. You had

to rape ours. Okay. You started to race me. Okay, boys. Your woman won't do much for

us. Bye. Flat asses. Bye. Flat asses. Nothing. Yeah, all right. I know. Bye. Click. Sometimes

I set fires and masturbate. He hung up. Shut their asses down. His ass is on. See what

he don't know, I can find out what he has with his number. While he's sitting there

playing got his asses on shut up arty are you playing music he's back home arty shut up did

you hear they're talking having a conversation why you got to fucking interrupt they were talking

how they're going to trace me would have been funny that's stupid you told me they couldn't

do it the fuck was that it's been the weirdest fucking show i just don't fucking get it you said

you had a friend named arty yeah at the end arty when i said i was hanging up and they were talking

like they thought i hung up and i wanted to listen to what they were saying thinking that

we hung up but instead what is with the show tonight i don't understand he's just we need a

code we need a code the da vinci code yeah okay i don't know what happened the the black guy i

thought was cool and nice ended up being some crazy farrakhan guy who called in with some guy

his friend named Lysol.

His name was Lysol?

That'd be funny.

He said he was going to call back.

Oh, boy.

God, what happened?

I don't know.

What the hell?

What kind of show is this, Tuck?

I don't know.

I want to take the next incoming call.

It's a fucking awesome one.

Crazy.

What kind of show is this?

I don't know.

We just spent 20 minutes debating whatever.

I just don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I took a cat nap and then I kind of...

I really wish I could get...

This whole black tender debate that's going on.

They'll have a laugh.

I really wish I could get on their good side so they'll call in regularly and just tell us

they like the new crazy fuckers from California.

It's awesome.

The black crazy fuckers.

Have we ever found him?

No, I don't know. He disappeared. He disappeared.

We need to find whatever jail he's at and call the jail.

gangrene says he has like a a a sound file of him calling a barbell recently i i guess so uh

i don't know he can't get online probably can't get online well how's it listening to our bell

unless it's a local am station i don't know yeah uh have them but you know gangrene if you hear

this send it to us yeah i would like to hear that definitely see how he's doing um yeah definitely

crazy fucking show

tonight.

I hope you all

have enjoyed it.

Someone is in there

as Baez's boss.

Really?

Okay.

Who is Baez's boss?

That wasn't that

your little screen name

in the Orlando Sentinel chat?

Yeah, that was

one of them.

Negro Judge Perry.

Negro Judge Perry

and Baez's boss.

What other ones

did you use?

Casey Anthony's

big tits

was one of them

I had.

I want to see her tits.

Chaney Mason's beard

beard there's another one i've never seen any mason chocha smell trying to think oh i think

that's it that was it i want to see casey anthony sits okay go go for it good luck with that i'll

just have her blow me because you know i don't want to get anywhere near in that buys i can't

believe someone's paying that much attention to the show that they're like why is this boss

that's awesome cool cool nickname listener you get a gold star if i can find them i don't know

where they are i can't see them anywhere you got a gold star buys boss just like you're good

Good for top, God.

There you go.

Same noise.

All right, yep, there we go.

Let's see what we got here.

MSC-3 Clay.

Sounded like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The question was, when you blah, blah, blah.

Let me take this.

If I can find it.

Shit.

Yes, yes, I called for the one you have for free.

What the fuck are you saying?

You have something, you put something on Craigslist for free?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you have to work for it.

Uh-huh.

You have to help move some boxes.

Are you cool with that?

Yeah, but where do you move?

Well, here's what's going down.

I got kicked out of my house by the neighbors

because the neighbor's house was burning down the other day,

and they caught me in front of the house masturbating.

Uh-huh.

And ever since then, I've been kicked out of the development,

so I need to move out really quick

because, you know, the arson charges are coming really fast.

Uh-huh.

Okay, where do you live, and then where fast do you move?

Oh, I'm near Los Altos Park.

You know where that is?

Where?

Los Altos Park.

Which way is that?

Over near Tulane Avenue.

All right, okay.

And then you move to where?

I'll be moving to Orlando.

Rimbo?

Did you just call me a gringo?

No, Rimbo, Rimbo.

I know what gringo means.

Uh-huh.

You better not have fucking called me a gringo.

No, I say you move to...

I'm docking your fucking pay.

Or you don't get the fucking TV.

You understand me?

Uh-huh.

uh-huh now you're moving my from vegas to orlando all right for a tv yes and we might even

stop and set some fires and masturbate all right uh-huh and we'll do it together and i'll give it

to you soft then they take like uh how many hours what'd you say they take like how many hours to do

that i'm sorry i can't understand you can i get a standpoint how many hours do i have to work for

you yeah yeah you have to work you're my slave now uh-huh you understand i haven't done your

knees right now. Okay. I have

another friend. If they call

him, if they want him, then they call you back.

Okay. That's good. Okay,

man. Thank you. You're welcome.

I don't think he understood

what I was saying.

How long does it take?

How long does it take to get from

Vegas to Orlando?

That's what he said?

He has asked you how many

hours is the job going to be?

I should have told him like 28.

Oh god

What a fucking night

I got kicked out of the living development

This is insane tonight

Ladies and gentlemen

Thanks for listening

This is Madhouse Radio

I was working on getting more numbers here to call

I don't think I'm going to do this every week

With the incoming

Because it's taking over the show

You know what I mean

Literally

Maybe every other week

Once a month

Events

Yeah

I agree

And events

Yep

MSU 3G sent the number that was the Alejandro guy with the weird accent.

Who?

Alejandro.

I don't remember that.

Alejandro.

Did you really start singing that, Tuck?

What?

Tuck almost started singing that song, Alejandro.

Oh, no.

Don't start singing that.

No.

Don't get that in my head.

Alejandro with the weird accent.

The hookup.

Oh, the number.

Oh, I got you.

Oh, thanks, Koi.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little slow.

I want to keep going.

going. It is being kind of fun,

but the only issue is, like I said,

I have a job interview tomorrow at 9 o'clock.

Oh, shit.

It's currently almost 2.36

in the morning. Are you able to drive?

No, no. I'm going to get

a ride

down there. No, just drive.

Oh, yeah, sure. It'll be safer. Oh, yeah.

Much safer. Yes, sir.

The police will make an exception because you're a diabetic.

Okay. When you get in an accident.

Please take audience and lifestyle advice.

Yeah, whatever. Good show,

Carlito took an RDMSC through Clay reporting

by his bosses. Call Drew, drop in.

Okay, let's call Drew, drop in.

Hold on. Next time I get in an accident,

here's what I'm going to do, Carlito.

When I get out of my car, I'm going to get out and act like I'm blind.

Like,

I'm running this shit.

Put on my sunglasses.

Get out and masturbate.

Like I got a problem.

You take this. Yes, thank you. Thanks, buddy.

Hello, Drew, Shawn Matthews.

Drew, drop in. Yes. Shit in the toilet.

Hello?

Shit in the toilet.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Can I make an order, please?

Oh.

Hello, ma'am?

I ruined it.

I don't know why.

I just figured I'd try to be crazy with her for a change instead of being nice and gentle.

Man, I didn't work either.

That's busy.

Shit.

She's probably sitting there.

Hello?

Can I hang up?

Yep.

Call back.

Don't you have Charlie's cell phone?

Yeah, hold on.

I'll go look it up.

I'm in the Evo.

All right.

Where is he going?

How are we going to do this?

I can't say it on air, can I?

Oh, no, you can't.

Oh, never mind.

How can I end it to you?

No, nothing.

We're ending the show.

Look, I've got to get to sleep.

This is irresponsible what I'm doing right now.

This has been fun and all.

It's been a fucking crazy night, but we need to end the show.

That's enough.

Where's Milkman to bring us out?

No more fun.

No more fun for you guys.

Stop the fun.

I want some milk.

I'm out of milk.

Stop it.

Stop the fun.

I want to thank everyone who participated tonight.

Tuck, Artie, thank you.

All our friends in Vegas.

High time.

The niggas in Vegas.

The black guys in Vegas.

this i'm sorry the what are they called the asiatics whatever whatever that means um everyone

we prank call everyone the numbers have fun whoop-dee-doo whoop-dee-fucking-doo did i say

thank you to lonesome thank you lonesome you sent us the numbers and i did the new news asleep now

but thank you new news might be listening in the background in the sleep while he touches himself

yeah i should be doing i've got some ideas for next week same write them down in your book i

I don't have a phone.

Don't call that person anymore.

You're not supposed to call.

Stop being stupid.

No, she called me at one point.

Yeah, I'm sure she did.

All right.

Bye, everybody.

Good night.

AppleEats.com.

Kisses.

Bye.

EvilArty.com.

I don't have a site.

What's the title for the show?

No idea.

Asiatic.

Asiatic American.

I thought it was Blow Your Balls Off.

Oh, that's right.

T-shirts and jeans.

There's another good one I thought of.

I can't think of it.

Masturbating to Fire.

That's right.

That's the new title

That's the CD

Covering the CD

Yo cut it off

Y'all right out there

So uh

Just came through

To check y'all niggas

We gonna change

And show some love

Say us niggas

Don't know how long

We gonna be here

Feel me

So enjoy this shit

Enjoy yourselves

And then we outta here

Sit down

She got us out of their house

In the master bedroom

Calls (27, 1 h 28 min of 2 h 50 min)

Transcript

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