Pranks Not Banks

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

There's nobody being here talking about it.

We're the cooks in the back.

We're going to slap you in the face.

Well, yeah, just come on down.

I'll show you what slap in the face.

Just don't go over here.

You worry that much.

This is ridiculous.

You order any food to order after how long after you're going to go to the bathroom.

Listen, can I kiss you for the au jus?

Like, kiss you a little bit?

Say that again?

Can we, if I kiss you?

It's a very nice offer, but I'm afraid we will be unable to accommodate.

Then I'll kiss your private parts.

I understand.

All over.

Thank you very much for calling, and please don't call me.

I shave you.

Who the fuck is this?

Who is this?

Listening House Radio Podcast.

Good evening, it is.

In the name of Allah the Merciful, we are here.

It is I, the greatest pranker alive, Carlito,

joined tonight by the man himself, the Milkman.

Milkman, how are you?

So, yes.

I've got a little bit of a cold, but I'm hanging in there.

I'm getting through it.

I sound a little nasally, that's why.

A little chilly.

Just a little bit.

The weather hasn't been helping out here where I live.

It's been rainy for the last two days and cold, so.

I've been stuck inside.

I don't want to go outside at all.

I've been staying inside.

Shot yet?

Hey, I don't trust that flu shot, man.

They put bacteria in that on purpose.

They're culling the herd.

You don't take the flu shot.

That's how they control you, man.

They get into your precious bodily fluids.

What, are you crazy?

Yeah.

No.

No, sir.

No, I drink nothing but whole grain alcohol, pure grain alcohol, and rainwater, man.

No way.

You're not putting that.

Hey, guess why I got this little tiny arm growing out of the chair?

Probably, man. Are you using fluoride in your toothpaste?

No, it's the...

That's not fluoride, man.

You gotta make your own toothpaste.

You don't think it's that swine flu, do you?

You don't think I got the swine flu, do you?

You probably do.

You got the horse flu.

Horse.

If you're gonna masturbate a horse, man, what do you do with...

If you're gonna masturbate a horse, you might as well have the flu.

You're gonna get it.

What about the shoes, man?

They know what to do with the shoes.

They know.

Yeah, but do they get blip?

You build up a callus.

it's normal yeah but that's just nailed on man i don't take them shoes off i don't know man they've

been they've been using shoes for a long time i don't understand why do horses have to have the

horseshoes they're not they don't have horseshoes those those horses that are out loose out in

north dakota and stuff right they don't have horseshoes no one's over there shooing those

horses right but no one's riding so do you guess why you gotta have horseshoes so you can ride them

is that why when they're working that their hoof can break well it's that little fucking gear

or rot or a bunch of other things, they'll end up dying.

They get, like, a split hoof.

A split hoof is very necessary.

Split hoof, yeah.

There's a disease they get, right, where they get a split hoof,

and you've got to shoot them in the head.

You just might as well...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, once it gets really bad, the horse will die.

It just depends on their leg.

Oh, poor horse.

Horses are cool, man.

I know we make fun of horses a lot in this show.

Horses are cool.

They're cool as shit, man.

Horses are cool.

When I was in Puerto Rico, I'd go every summer into Puerto Rico,

It was out in the mountains of Puerto Rico

Very agricultural living

My grandfather had like three horses

And there was always horses around

I could ride a horse if I wanted to

Nice horses

There was a female horse

I don't know what they're called in English

Spanish or Jaguars

What's a female horse? A mare?

Is that what they're called?

She was really nice to me

I forgot her name

What that female horse's name was

But she was always very nice to me

I used to feed her grass and stuff

I'd feed her grass

during the afternoons

Mine was named Needles

Needles the horse

She liked carrots and

apples

Horses love apples

No, just no, horses love apples

In our prank calls that we did last Thanksgiving

Needles liked apples

I said the horse that we had in Guam

that apples were the horse's favorite food

and the kids were throwing apples at it

and they got scared

and then they masturbated it.

Wow.

Do you think that maybe

needles in your horse

in the Philippines

were friends?

Maybe.

I don't know.

Here's what I know.

How do you masturbate

a female horse?

Now, that's an interesting question.

I don't know.

Why are they not

talking about that, man?

Little touch girl horses.

Man horse only.

No, I mean,

you brought it up.

I'm just wondering, you know.

You know, I'm wondering.

You don't do that.

Speaking of those, man,

how they get left out

in this situation.

I guess you gotta use

your whole arm

because the horse cock is huge, man.

Horse cock.

I don't know.

I don't know of a guy who could satisfy a female horse.

She'd be like, what's that?

What are you doing back there?

Yeah, that's true, man.

You know, I mean, you know, females shouldn't be left out either, you know.

I mean, hell, if the guy was to emancipate, you know, females shouldn't be left out.

This one time late at night, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning,

this male horse got loose in the neighborhood in Puerto Rico.

It was a rainy night, and he got loose,

and he started running up and down the street of the neighborhood and yeah i guess he was like in

heat or something there was a female horse in heat and it was the cutest thing because he got

he went up to the female horse and it was like trying to talk to her and stuff and they um they

people were like don't come outside because the horse is crazy it's horny it'll kill you i guess

you don't want to get you don't want to get between a mayor a horse what's a male horse

called a rooster a what a stallion you don't want to get between a stallion and his mayor

apparently they were saying and um yeah my grandfather shot him with a shotgun and killed

him oh wow no he didn't do that he didn't do that you know shoot a horse poor horse anyway

that's enough horse talk that's the horse part of our show hey man no more horsing around all right

all right let's get to business here if you want to send in your prank call request your prank

call requests are uh available you can send them to aol and yahoo yahoo instant messenger madhouse

radio and if you're an msn messenger madhouse at live.com just to repeat aol and yahoo instant

messenger users madhouse radio is the screen name to shoot those over to and uh for those of you on

msn is madhouse email.com of course the website is madhouse live.com you can send your prank

requests there as well we've got the request to prank form it's pretty nifty only place you did

now only place that i know of here's my question how do we get on wikipedia man what are we doing

wrong that we're not on wikipedia somebody probably deleted us again well we were on once

and then see what happened was a listener wanted to put us on wikipedia and they put us on

and we were on we were on for a while then one day out of nowhere i got a phone call on the

competitors and we washed out don't do shows no more but maybe once every three months or four

you know deleted us anybody can go and edit well i got a phone call out of the blue ones on the

the old toll-free line, you know, with some guys, like, yeah, is this Madhouse Radio,

the internet show, I'm like, yeah, I was like, yeah, this is Lucas with Madhouse Radio in Oklahoma

City, I'm like, oh, what's up, man, it was like, man, someone, you guys have been messing with our

Wikipedia page, I'm like, what are you talking about, it's like, yeah, you guys have been messing

with our Wikipedia page, it's all fucked up, and I looked at it, with them on the phone,

I looked at the history, and it was our listener, some of our listeners set up a Wikipedia page for

And then his intern went on, pissed off, and said that Milkman and Carlito were two losers that lived in their mother's house and shit and started some flaming war that I didn't even know about on Wikipedia on the Madhouse radio page.

And then the Wikipedia moderators found out and they killed it all together.

They said that neither of us were, what do you call it?

I've got to turn this music down.

They said that we weren't significant enough to have a Wikipedia page.

And I dropped it.

I was like, whatever.

but it was all because of that guy from some madhouse radio there was a different madhouse

radio show some hip-hop station and they're not even on anymore but i used to get their people

used to message me on aim because they were madhouse they were madhouse online i think on

aim and i was madhouse radio so they would message me like hey man what's up yo play the song and i

tell them no that song's gay and i would send people to their studio for prizes all the time

It was pretty funny

I think that's why the interns are pissed off

Oh that's a good one man

That was so nice of you dude

Anyway be sure to follow us on Twitter

Madhouse is the Twitter name

And Facebook if you go to MadhouseLive.com

We're there

MadhouseLive on Facebook is mine

That's for Carlito Pranks

And we got a new Madhouse page as well

Also wanted to mention

RBCP and I are working on

He started it but I'm contributing a little bit here

He's got a prank calls page on Facebook.

And all of you should go ahead and like that page as well on your profiles.

RBCP is going to be releasing one prank a day on there from his stash.

And I'll contribute every once in a while with a prank also.

He doesn't want to pound everybody with spam pranks and stuff.

But he's going to try to release one a day.

And he said there's a pretty good following of people there who are new to all this.

so be sure to tell a friend and look for that um i think it's called prank calls is the name of it

whatever um yeah uh we'll get to some prank calls here uh in just a moment i wanted to tell you all

that yesterday i was working on some ground work for some prank calls tonight uh we had fun with

the steam shark last week i went ahead and uh i spent some time watching late night tv during the

weekend and i wrote down some telemarketing uh not telemarketing some infomercial numbers

I like some milk, man. I am thirsty right now.

But yeah, everyone contribute.

Over in the chat room, what's up to everybody?

The chat room looks pretty full.

We're about to have a good night here.

Starting on time for a change instead of an hour late.

Also, what I mentioned, one last thing here before we get to the pranks.

The numbers are coming in, but before we get to the pranks, what did I mention?

I do have a pop filter, finally.

I had this pop filter.

I've had it for several months.

I got it right before the move off to Pennsylvania.

And it got lost in the move.

And I started rummaging through some boxes.

And I said, holy shit, there's the pop filter that I never used.

So I got the pop filter hooked up covers my face

I think it doesn't look too bad, but it looks like a nice professional studio now

I got an actual pop filter now got a nice mic

You see I like to slobber out of those holes ever so often and won't be able to hear you clearly

Yeah, well, this is a good mic that I'm using but it's uh, it's it's well known in its reviews for having trouble with the peas

You know picks up the pops. So this should help us out with that

But really, all a pop filter is is a piece of nylon over a round thing.

Probably could have made it myself for two bucks.

Was it to Rage Against the Machine?

I tried playing it last week, but I was in such a bad mood, it just would have made me angry.

And we switched over to Bob Marley, per Evil Artie's suggestion.

That was a very good suggestion.

I hope you all enjoyed that last episode.

It is on the podcast.

I did put it up yesterday.

It got uploaded.

I almost didn't want to upload it.

I did, you know, because people were like, where's the new show?

you know everyone wanted a new show uh i got a few emails like what the delay was so i went ahead

and added it but it's not that good of a show i thought i was just in a bad mood and all this

junk but i hope you guys enjoy it let me know if you have any suggestions i didn't pull any pranks

off of it although we did have a good call to charlie did you hear that one were you on for

that i don't know if you heard when i called the dude drop in called charlie told him i had cancer

and that i was dying and he thought it was funny he actually laughed i'm a fucking jerk wow that's

that's the Madhouse

Prankcast

and you should be subscribed to that

even if you don't have an iPod or iTunes

or anything like that

you can subscribe in the podcast section

on the website to email delivery

so you get an email

when a new episode gets released

it comes in your inbox and you just click on the link

and download it, there's no excuse for you

not to be subscribed to the Madhouse Prankcast

and I put

all these episodes that you hear live

Basically I edit them down for time

All the yammering like right now

That I've been talking for 20 minutes without doing a prank call

I'll take it out

And all the ringing and music comes right out

And we make a nice clean episode

And also I release single prank calls

Every once in a while

We'll even let Milkman get in on that action

That's right man

Absolutely once in a while

That's right

You hear every once as you might catch me on there

Alright so let's listen to this

A little bit of this song while I try to find

I am the infomercial group that I made here, and we'll do some calls.

Give me just a second, folks.

And the reason this takes so long for me, that's because I'm half blind,

and I've got to get real close to the screen.

Give me a second. Stand by.

Oh, you never did tell me about that fantasy football either, man.

Fantasy football's going okay.

What happened?

I think I'm second place in the league right now, as it were.

Lonesome's in there.

Lonesome, I think Lonesome had a win last week.

It was Lonesome and Evil Artie played each other,

and Lonesome came out with a win against Evil Artie this last week.

I know that much.

There you go.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm in there.

I'm doing okay, but I think I've got a tough weekend coming up here,

so I might be seeing a loss.

I have two wins, one loss, one tie.

Milkman, your boy is still out.

Peyton Manning is probably out for the whole season, just to let you know.

I'm out for the whole season, man.

Mine's fucked.

Peyton Manning's pretty hurt, man.

man. I don't think he's going to be playing

at all this year. He's missing so

and I'll tell you what,

they're paying

for it, dude. I mean, no offense,

but the Colts are

seriously paying for it. They are not adapting

to Peyton Manning-less

season. They have been not having

a good year at all. Alright, folks,

give me a second. Listen to this song. I've got to organize

here. I've got to get my numbers in front of me. We'll start doing some

pranks. Stand by. Give me a minute. Alright, let's go ahead

and give it a start here. I've got one of those

Those infomercials here to do.

We'll see how this goes.

This is the AirClimber, which I believe, if I'm correct,

the AirClimber is some kind of workout device.

AirClimber.

Here's a thing to work out with.

Yeah, but I said AirClimber, not StairClimber, sir.

I don't think it's dialing.

It's bad for your knees.

Do you know that?

StairClimber's, yeah, StairClimbing is a fad.

That didn't take off very well.

Thank you for calling the AirClimber hotline.

The only system with air-powered technology that makes losing weight and inches fun.

To order with our AirClimber representatives, press 1.

To talk to customer care, press 2.

Thank you for calling the AirClimber.

My name is Jacqueline.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes.

Hello?

Yes.

Hi, can you hear me?

Yes, can you hear me?

No, I can barely understand what you're saying.

Oh.

Can you speak up a little bit louder?

Yes, can you hear me now?

It's a little bit better.

Okay.

Now, to ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes, yes, you can.

And how can I help you?

My name is Jack, and I'm interested in getting the air climber.

I'm overweight, and I was interested in the information they were giving about losing weight,

that I could lose 40 pounds in two days.

I have a wedding that I have to be in soon, and I think this should be the best option for me.

I'm sorry, I could not understand what it was that you said.

Can you repeat that?

that? I'm looking to lose 40 pounds in the next two days before the weekend. I have a wedding I

have to go to. Good night. Are you looking to order the air climber? Do you understand? God

damn it. Do you understand that? Are you calling to place an order? Yeah. What kind of credit card

do you have? Master Visa. And a number? No. I want information on the air climber first. Who

you think you are? You're being fresh with me. If you're not calling to place an order, sir,

then I'm going to have to hang up the line, okay? How does your bicycle seat smell? Look,

Look, when I disconnected, what is my sound?

Do I sound normal?

Do I sound low?

What's going on?

You tell me.

You're in the same room.

No, you sounded good.

She just wasn't playing along, dude.

She was smart.

I sound good to you, right?

I sound normal?

You sounded like a little bit like Jack, but just like a bumblebee without the marker in my mouth.

Well, then I put the marker in, though.

I sounded like Prankmaster at first.

I don't have a thick enough marker for my mouth.

Yeah, but you still sounded...

She was just playing with it.

She didn't fucking hurt you.

She just didn't want to play.

Don't listen to her.

She knew something was up.

All right, we'll try again.

You'll get a different operator maybe this time.

No, I didn't know if maybe it had bad quality or something.

Thank you for calling the Air Climber.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling.

My name is Lisa, and I'll be assisting you on the call tonight.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, the call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Well, thank you for calling the Air Climber.

Again, my name is Lisa, and how are you doing today?

I'm a little nervous.

A little what?

I'm sorry?

I'm a little nervous right now.

A little nervous?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a big event coming up, and I have to lose a lot of weight.

So I saw this commercial, and the guy was talking very emotional about all the weight he lost.

I see, okay.

Well, it's definitely a good workout, and hold on one second here.

Could I get your first name?

This is Jack.

Jack, and your last name?

Masterson.

Can you spell it for me?

M-A-S-T-E-R-S-O-N.

S as in Sam, O-N?

Yeah, son.

sun. Got it. Thank you.

All right. Well, Tommy Jack, so about the

air climate interest you today is about, you said you needed

to lose some weight, right, for

you said an upcoming

interview. Did you say interview? I didn't quite catch

what you said was coming up that you're doing. There's a

wedding coming up and I have to fit in.

Oh, a wedding. Okay.

And I weigh 480 pounds

and I'm trying to see if I can get under 400

to fit in the size 58

pants because if not, then I can't

be in the wedding. And I have about

two weeks to do it. Okay.

Well, Jack, the Revolution New Air Climber System is one of the biggest breakthroughs

in exercise technology.

Feel, sculpt your body, and lose weight and have fun all on a cushion of air.

Best of all, it's an exclusive offer.

You can try the Air Climber for a full 30 days for just $14.95, plus shipping and handling.

Now, your order will include the body cords, the Platinum Burn and Serm workout DVD,

three additional workouts, the Jump Start diet plan, and the digital workout computer.

Everything you need to get your body in great shape.

Then in 30 days, Jack, after you've seen for yourself exactly what the Air Climber can do,

you'll have just three payments of $39.99 to complete your order.

You can't go wrong, so let's get it out to you today, okay?

So then I can send it back before the 30 days is back and just pay the $14.99?

If in 30 days you're not completely satisfied with it, you're just going to contact customer service,

and then they would give you a return merchandise authorization

or give you whatever you need in order to return it,

and you would return it and you wouldn't pay anything else.

That's right.

How much weight do you think I could lose in that first 30 days?

I don't have any way of telling you that, Jack.

I mean, I'm not sure.

In two weeks, in the first 30 days?

Well, your 60-day money-back guarantee is lose 10 pounds or 10 inches.

So I guess you could do that.

You could lose up to 10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days

for a 60-day money-back guarantee.

So 5 pounds and 5 inches probably in 30 days.

So if I do that.

Yeah, and then it comes with the health.

Well, 10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days.

5 pounds, 5 inches in 30 days.

In 10 days?

10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days.

Oh, wow.

So 30 days would be 30 pounds and 30 inches that I could lose.

Yeah, it's 10 pounds or 10 inches.

So it just depends on the way your body burns, the calories and everything,

and how your body, because it could be different for someone.

or they might lose 10 inches, maybe not quite 10 pounds.

Well, no, I met Dr. Cody.

I don't know if you've heard of him also.

But he makes a pill that I can take that wakes my metabolism up

and I won't sleep and I can keep working out and I'll lose a lot of weight.

He said that he keeps changing the formula to keep it legal,

that it's illegal and then every month.

Where you won't sleep?

Huh?

Did you say you won't sleep?

Like I can sleep like an hour every other day, he said.

You take the pill.

What?

Yeah, he said that like every time they make a thing that like, you know that like that wouldn't be healthy for anybody

How would that how would it keep you awake all day long?

Well the 24-hour basically 23 hours a day. It's gonna keep you awake on average

No, because it's not gonna be good for you three days straight and then you get three hours of sleep

He said it's just three three four three days on three hours of sleep

Seriously, yeah. Yeah. No, right

Right.

I've never heard of such a thing.

It's a street thing, but he said that it's like methamphetamine,

but he keeps changing the formula so it stays legal,

but he has to change it every month.

Very interesting.

The DEA.

I can't imagine anything like that.

I've never even heard of such a thing.

And it's the vibrating heat beads that he puts on.

It's a plant that he calls a riding snake, riding the snake.

Okay.

So you think in 30 days I can lose 30 inches.

That's a pound a day, and I'll use the beads and the pills.

I think it'll work out.

I'll be able to get in the wedding.

I'll be okay.

So I have your guarantee that I'm going to lose 30 inches in 30 days.

You have a 60-day money-back guarantee.

You lose 10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days.

That's the guarantee, 10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days.

Well, the math doesn't work out then because you multiply that by 3, 30 inches.

No, I'm just, but I'm telling you what the guarantee is.

The guarantee is that because it's a 30-day, you have a full 30 days to try it out.

Okay, now.

So the guarantee is that you'll lose 10 pounds or 10 inches in 10 days.

Now, the diet plan, is that like a book or something that you read that tells you what you eat, like a plan, a program?

You have, you'll get an Eat Right Reduce Fat and Calorie Eating Plan, yes.

Is it a book that I get that tells you what you have to eat?

It's a, um, you know, I'm not sure if it's actually a, um, I think it's a, it's a, I think it's a booklet.

I don't, it's not like a full-size book.

All right, because I was thinking I could get that, and then I'll just take the booklet,

I'll make a copy of it, and I'll spread it out to other people.

Jack, would you like to order this today?

I'm a little interested, yeah.

I just really need to lose, I just need some kind of guarantee about these 30 inches.

Oh, wow.

Oops, I hung up on Milkman.

Let me call him back.

Dude, that's awesome.

Listen, the way I got the new Jack Masterson marker here,

it makes this nasty sucking, licking noise now.

Ew.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being read.

Sounds like I'm sucking on a bone.

Dr. Cody?

Sure.

Dr. Cody, I need new pills.

I need a new formulation, Dr. Cody.

What the fuck?

Did you hear that?

That was funny, the whole chewing, sucking noise.

Yeah, I've been there for a while.

He was really trying to...

Yeah, he was polite.

He just wanted to tell her

that she was trying to be all nice to him.

Nicer than the Steam Shark, folks,

I'll tell you what.

Yeah, what is the Steam Shark, man?

They're a bunch of jerks at the Steam Shark.

Not those, the Air Masters.

What are they called?

Air Masturbators.

Oh, the Air Masters.

Jack Masterson and the Air Masters.

That'd be an awesome band for Jack Masterson to have.

Jack Masterson and the Air Masters.

Oh, my God, really?

There's Jack Masterson and the Air Masters.

Jack could be playing drums, of course.

This is their song right here.

Here we are.

The number one single from Jack Masterson and the Air Masters.

What

was that song you were playing at the beginning there?

Was that by Jack Masterson?

That was Jack Masterson and the Air Masters.

The song you played at the beginning.

It was some crazy song, man.

The Black Angels.

Yeah, is that by Jack Masterson?

No, no.

It's the Black Angels.

That's the name of the group.

Like Jack Masterson.

Okay.

All right, Milkman.

We got it.

All right.

Air Climbers is the name of that.

Maybe we'll call him a little later.

Let's see if we got any more numbers.

I got more.

I want to call the Montauk Williams one.

Because when I tested it, it was a sassy black lady that answered.

This is Montauk Williams, fruit master.

I'm like, jeez.

I'm like, did you know Montauk Williams smokes pot?

She hung up on me, like, real quick.

So I was like, ooh, they got attitude there.

I think they know Montauk Williams.

Montauk Williams does smoke a lot of pot.

He's a marijuana advocate.

He's got some disease that's helped out with marijuana.

I'm going to say he's got not sickle cell, but one of those black people diseases.

See, that blender he got is really cool looking, man.

I wish I could afford that, man.

Yeah?

That fucking thing's awesome, man.

It makes juice, and it grinds up all the shit, and you either drink it or you drink everything, man.

You can have all your food, you can drink your salad, everything, man.

I want to say what's up to everyone in the chat room.

Vi is his boss.

He's in there.

AMD, your good friend, Milkman, he's in the house.

Nunu, RBCP, Todd.

AMD, hey, baby.

Greggulate, we got Kenny Kenny.

Let's talk about.

Kuras, Fortyboard is in there.

It's a big Tabachi.

What's up, brother?

The N and Waste all hanging out in the chat room.

And Dark Strangers.

Dark Strangers?

Yeah.

Yeah, Big Dark Strangers in there also.

Big Dark.

That's a lady in there.

Is Nunu in there?

Yes.

Go watching, man.

Yeah.

Counterpoint and Waste and Shire England.

All right.

All right, everybody.

So, more pranks.

Let's see what we got here from Nunu, if anything.

Nunu, have you sent him any numbers?

I don't think he has.

You know what?

I think it's footing time.

I'm probably not going in.

Asking Nunu nothing?

I mean, he was all talkative before, and I was not sending anything.

Earlier in the night.

Yeah, he's getting his footing, and he's getting his napkin.

Well, he sent in a number, but I needed an IRC Nunu.

Here's what you don't understand, bro.

You got to remember, I'm half blind right now, and I got two computers I do.

I got the messenger on the right computer, and on the left computer is Skype and IRC.

Can you turn the modulation down and the letters up?

No, but it's difficult for me because I'll have to literally pass it from one computer in IM over to the other one

and then plug it into Skype, and it'll take too long.

Well, Nunu has...

After IM on a low-resolution monitor, it's all the letters.

Oh, okay.

And then you could also increase this in the IM, and you could increase font size in Windows.

The DPI, I know. Trust me, dude.

When I went really blind for a while, when I was really, really blind, I had the DPI settings all the way up.

I had the windows magnifier going on man. I was

News getting a numbers now. He was busy

That's right sporty board has I see a request a prank here looks like we got one from sporty board

Yeah last we get we did him really late towards the end of the show

for everybody that actually

sat around and paid attention.

I also wanted to mention Baz.

I felt bad about Baz.

Big baby Baz, I like to call him.

He did send in quite a few numbers to prank

and I didn't get to him. I missed him completely.

Oh, Baz? What's he doing, man?

Is he in the room?

I don't think he's in tonight. I don't see him yet.

I don't notice him. But I did want to apologize.

I didn't get to those numbers last week,

but I will make an attempt to do them this week, man.

If you're listening.

Coconina? Yeah, it's a little early for them.

They're probably expecting me to start at 11.

and we're expecting a late show like I'm usually doing these days.

Oh, God, I got to blow my nose pretty soon.

Anyway, listen, Sporty Board is asking for a Rotisserie Wallace call.

You're a big fan of Rotisserie Wallace.

He didn't send a request.

He said, no, no, I request as much as a Rotisserie Wallace asking for a Rotisserie Wallace.

So there you go.

You're like, you love Rotisserie Wallace for some reason, dude.

That's all we got.

And that will be all we had so far, unless we got something in AIM.

Let's take a look here.

it's like the messengers oh god it's white on white it's hard for me to read uh nothing nothing

yet anyway okay so we'll call another uh infomercial in the meantime while we get numbers

wilson loser will join us hopefully

no i can't still haven't found that i was looking for that but i found the alarm the door alarm you

made i found it yes i did here's the story i found that i found the madhouse box i didn't

find the megaphone, the white devil

machine, but I did find the pop filter

and I found the alarm

but I have to re-solder it. One of the

wires came out. I just got to find, I got to get my

soldering gun out, soldering

iron out and fix it. I'll do that

tomorrow. I got some solder too. I found

the solder. It just got a little messed up, but I can solder

it and patch it up in

2.3. It won't take too long.

That'll be ready by next week. We'll have the alarm

back. That reminds

me, while I get ready,

we'll do... No, no, no. I was trying to

to knock out, but I wasn't up for him.

I didn't want to hit you. Knock out for you, okay?

Uh-uh. Milkman in trouble.

Are you backing me up, motherfucker?

Well, Milkman

mutes himself and backs up before he gets his

ass kicked. We're going to go...

Wow. We're going to play a prank call

here real quick while

I get the... Well, while he does

that, avoids a confrontation.

And while I work on getting

a prank call here already, this is...

I need an address. This is from 2008.

Milkman, you'll like this one. What happened, Milkman?

When you got in trouble, you back someone, you block someone in?

No, somebody got in my way, man.

I ran over him, dude.

The next guy that came along was kind of mad, couldn't get in the road.

I don't know.

They sound a little upset.

Anyway, listen to this.

Speaking of the alarm machine while I get the next prank ready.

There's a job here for a body shop helper.

It says, call Tony.

We are unavailable to take your call.

Please leave a message.

Press 1 to play.

Message.

Press 2.

22.

Message.

1.

Good morning, I'm calling in regards to the body shop helper.

15 a.m. Sunday.

And I spoofed the number as the guy with the job offer.

This will be quite confusing.

Hello.

May I speak with Robert, please?

I'm returning a number for Mr. Robert Roberto regarding a job.

This is Tony.

Oh, no, this is Alberto.

How are you doing there, buddy?

I'm doing good, sir.

So how can I help you?

I saw your ad in the news this morning.

How good are you with the car machines?

The car machines, the straightening machine?

Yeah, straightening the machine.

Well, I haven't worked on that as I was...

Got it, man.

Come on down to the shop.

When do you want to start?

Tomorrow, Monday through Friday?

I'm game.

Fine.

Where are you at?

You tell me and I'll get there.

Come on down to the shop tomorrow.

Bring your papers with you and we'll start.

Okay.

All right.

9 a.m.

You can wear jeans, but we prefer a collared shirt.

Okay.

All right, Alberto, we'll see you then.

Like a polo shirt?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

All right, give me an address.

All right, we'll see you then.

Thank you, Alberto.

Give me an address.

Okay, you got it.

All right.

Hello.

You got that 9 a.m.?

9 a.m. where?

At the shop.

Where is the shop?

It's in Orlando.

Give me an address.

You got it.

All right, Alberto, we'll see you tomorrow, 9 a.m.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

Hello.

I'm looking forward to this.

Thank you very much.

It came down between you and me.

We had a girl, Roberta, in Alberto.

I think we'd rather go with the guy.

Hello?

Yes, I'm here.

Hello, can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Come down to the shop, sir.

All right, but tell me where the shop is.

I don't know where the shop is.

I hear the fire alarm is going off.

There's a fire alarm going off.

Hang on.

Hello?

9 a.m., you got it?

You got to tell me where the shop is.

I don't know where the shop is.

The shop is downtown.

Downtown where?

Give me an address.

There's a fire alarm.

Hang on.

I'm going to go outside so you can hear me, all right?

I need an address.

Okay, you're ready.

You got to shop 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. tomorrow.

Three button polo down shirt.

I need an address.

Okay.

I need an address.

Oh, you need the address.

You need the address.

Yeah, I need an address.

All right, it's 122.

122.

I'm sorry, we got a problem.

They're doing a test on the fire alarm, and it keeps going off.

I hear it.

All right, it's 122.

All right.

Southwest, downtown.

122.

All right, we'll see you at 9 a.m.

You got it.

I didn't get that.

I didn't get the address.

We got it.

I got you.

You got it.

We got it.

I didn't get the address.

I can't hear you.

Hello?

What is that noise?

No, no.

Let me call you back.

Tony?

This is Tony, yeah.

Call you back because I'm getting some noise on the line.

The fire alarm's going off.

Okay.

What's the address again?

122 what?

West on 5th Street.

I get that.

Sir, you know what?

Forget it.

If you can't write down directions to forget, it's just not going to work out, Alberto.

Oh, you're playing with me, man.

Good night.

Good luck to you, Alberto.

What's the address?

I'm going to call Roberto, all right?

What's the address?

You're not giving me the address.

I thought I meant to call Robert.

I meant to call Robert, but not Alberto.

I made a mistake.

Come on, man.

I'm going to call Robert.

What's the address?

I'm calling Robert.

No, no, no, no.

Forget it.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not going to work out.

Oh, you're playing with me, man.

Why you call me to play with me?

I got to go.

That's it.

I'm calling Robert.

No.

All right.

Good luck, man.

You too.

Bye-bye.

That's a horrible thing.

It's a very bad moment.

I feel very embarrassed that I did that, Milkman.

It was horrible.

That guy was desperate for a job.

Poor guy, desperate for a job.

There I go.

I need that, dude.

Wow, man.

Alberto really got upset.

Trying to get through the health master here.

Trying to call health master.

It's not going through.

Hey, hey.

I got a guest here, man.

I got a guest.

We got a guest shout out, man.

Say hi to Cash, man.

Cash is here now.

Say hi, Cash.

Hey, brother.

How's it going?

Big Cash.

How you doing?

We're calling him back.

Garnito will be mine.

It's going to be tomorrow.

Yes, hello.

This is the health master.

Hey, what's up, Mr.

All right, man.

All right, everybody.

All right, let's try again.

Here we go.

Health Master is coming up.

Hi, guys.

We're going back to Montel Williams Health.

Master, this is Tom.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yeah, you can.

And can I have your first name, please?

This is Jack Masterson.

What's your first name?

Jack.

And what was your last name?

Masterson.

Masterson?

Okay.

Yeah.

You know, Jack, today you're getting the Montel Williams Health Master.

You're getting the Super Slim Eat Diet Plan, four recipe books, all for just $49.99, plus shipping and handling.

You're going to find it easy to make smoothies, sorbets, ice cream, salad dressings, even hot soups and gourmet sauces.

And included with your product, you'll find also a 60-day unconditional money-back guarantee.

Can I make Guadalupe?

Go ahead.

I want to make Guadalupe soup.

Guadalupe soup.

Okay.

And also, 100-year warranty on the motor.

Well, here's how you make the Guadalupe soup.

You put in the Guadalupe soup.

You got to let me know if it makes Guadalupe soup.

Well, that's all.

I'm asking about Guadalupe soup.

Question.

I'm just hanging out.

You know, see, the health master, people are jerks.

Okay, right up there.

We're calling.

All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.

A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Wait off here.

We get a request from Baez's boss.

Hey, we're calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.

This is Tom.

Hi, Tom.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yeah, yes.

May I get your first name, please?

This is Jack Masterson again.

I think the phone disconnected.

Okay, Jack, just a minute.

Okay, now, Jack.

What happened to the phone before?

Did you have a problem?

I don't know.

It must have just disconnected.

I don't know what happened.

Now, Jeff, what card would you like to use to pay for this with, Visa, MasterCard, American Express, or Discover?

Visa, Master, but I have a question about the soup.

About the soup?

Yeah.

Okay, what about the soup, sir?

I want to make sure that this mortar can handle this soup that I'm making Guadalupe soup.

You put in a whole avocado, the whole thing with the pit.

You put in five ice cubes, okay?

You put in cornstarch, one bag of cornstarch.

You put in a jar of pickles with the glass and everything, and you put in some cumin.

Now, will that machine be able to handle all that is what I'm asking,

because you're saying there's a warranty on the mortar.

There's a 100-year warranty on the mortar.

That's correct.

100 years?

Mm-hmm.

So it'll take anything that I throw at it?

Well, within reason, yes, sir.

Can I put rocks in there?

Now, that I don't know.

I wouldn't advise putting rocks in a blender, no.

Well, in the commercial, Montel Williams threw a rock in there, and he grinded it up.

Well, then, if he did it, then you might be able to do that.

Well, he said, be careful, don't try that at home, but he put a rock in there,

and he put a cell phone in it, and it runned it, and he drank it.

Well, maybe he was doing that to show you how strong the motor was.

Yeah, he put a cell phone in it, and then he drank it, and then he started ringing.

Yeah, right.

And he took a big shit, and it was, yeah, right.

I don't like that guy.

He's got a bit of mush mouth.

He's got a bit of hair lip.

Hey, milkman, hey?

Genie Bra, let's call him.

Thank you for calling for the Genie Bra.

The Genie Bra is the ultimate in comfort for a bra.

If you're interested in purchasing a Genie Bra, but have a question about our sizes,

please press 1 to hear more information.

Genie Bra comes in sizes small to 4XL.

You'll choose a size based on your calling to order the Genie Bra.

My name is Crystal, and I'll be helping you today to make sure we provide the best service possible.

This call will be recorded, okay?

Okay.

Okay, great.

May I have your first name, please?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

Ralph, is that R-A-L-P-H?

Little John.

L-I-T-T-L-E-J-O-H-N?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, great.

Well, Mr. Little John, how can I help you today?

The Wonder Bra.

I saw it on TV, and I want to get it for my wife.

Okay, the genie bra?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

All right, well, we can definitely help you with that today.

Now, my friend, when I saw the commercial, they were showing that it has the Velcro on the front

so that you can just snap it right off.

You don't have to deal with the hooks in the back.

It just comes right off in the front.

Actually, no.

This is completely different.

You did say the Wonder Bra.

This is actually called the Genie Bra, and it doesn't have any straps, hooks, or anything.

It's one complete bra, one piece.

You step into it, or you just flip it over your head.

But it doesn't have any wires or hooks, but it doesn't have any snaps or Velcro or anything like that on it.

You just simply pull it on, pull it off.

How do you recommend pulling it off?

do you pull from the back or what exactly um you can step into it um and then pull it down when

you're ready to take it off or you can um you know pull it over your shoulder or over your head like

a you know a shirt or something like that and then take it off the exact same way you put you

know put it on so either way so if i were going to do it then i would like to say where the cups

are i will put my hands underneath the cups and i'll pull up exposing the breasts and then she

would put her arms up and i will pull up on it like it's a t-shirt pretty much uh-huh and then

Then her breasts would be exposed.

That's a decent question, Milkman.

How do you take this thing off?

Because us men, we need to know all this stuff.

Shit.

Expose the breasts.

Calling for the Genie Bra.

Hello, this is the Genie Bra.

My name is Lorraine, and I'll be helping you today to make sure we provide the best service possible.

This call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes.

Okay, great.

May I have your first name, please?

This is Rex.

All right.

And Rex, your last name?

Horse, like the animal.

All right, Rex Horse.

Okay, great.

And are you calling to order the Genie Bra today?

today? Yes, I was asking about how, wondering about how you actually take the genie bra on and

off. It's for my wife, and she has concerns. Okay, and what's the particular concern? Well,

to expose the breasts. How would I go about, it doesn't have any hooks or straps or Velcro, right?

Right, so you just put it on over your head, or you can step into it. It's really simple. Would

you like to place your order, Mr. Horse? Well, we're a little more concerned with how you take

it off exactly. Does it come off like a t-shirt, or would I pull it down past your waistline?

either it's optional whichever one you want would you like to place your order mr horse

as soon as i'm i'm clear about this so to expose the breast let's say if i'm from behind

then i will come around as if i was cupping the breasts and pull down on the bottom of the cups

mr horse would you like to order mr horse you don't hear that every day milkman hey hey all

All right, let's get this.

All right.

What do I like?

Yeah, man.

This is so bad.

I'm going to hell.

I, oh, my God.

I'm going to hell.

All right, Nunu has sent in numbers here.

Good.

Soon a lonesome loser that I can see, but we did get that request to prep from Jose Baez, apparently.

Hey, Carlito, would you consider this prank idea?

Download the pocket and download it from the internet.

Who's that?

Someone who wants to listen to the show?

Android?

Milkman?

An Android?

If they do WinApp.

Yeah.

They do Winamp and the internet radio.

Look for Cacti Radio.

Right.

Look for Cacti Radio on Winamp.

You can download it for free right now.

And then get in there and look for it.

Another one, if Winamp doesn't work, Stream Furious on Android is free also.

That's another one they can use.

AOR, I think, works too.

I think so, but I'm not familiar with that.

Yeah.

You can add your own URL with AOR.

Yeah.

Android Winamp is a good app for a shoutcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

Yep.

anyway by doing this prank we will really help his life first off this creep named josh that

keeps spreading rumors behind jennifer's back and she hates him they're both really stupid

we get her back behind spread huh i guess so just as stupid as she got caught

stealing she got caught stealing like twice in

make your booty clap man

just tell her

to stop bothering you

alright

I'll think about it

we usually shy away from pranking minors

just because you know

let's just do a booty call

do a booty clap

the parents find out

it's all weird

I'll think about it

I got it in the big board

but in the meantime Nuna has sent the numbers

as I was saying

alright we got the BBC switchboard

that's one of the ones he really likes

when we call he suggests

if the angry lady who's usually there

she answers mess with her

and get all confused about the

difference between England

Britain UK and the like

ask if they are in Britain

or in England or the United

Kingdom and whichever

she says request

the number for the

real BBC in the other

other one. Okay, good deal. All right, we'll do that. But first, we'll do his first prank

call to a gentleman named Bram in Calgary. I'm guessing it's Canada. Calgary, home of

the 88 Olympics.

Is Kokanee there? Is Kokanee there? That's where Kokanee's at.

He's close to that area. But Kokanee, I don't know if he's here. Let me see.

Yeah, he's from that area, man.

Oh, Kokanee, yeah. Who else is in the chat? Ken showed up now. Ken's here.

How about Maven? Is she there?

No, I haven't seen Maven in ages, man.

We should call Maven and tell her to come listen, man, because I don't know, man.

We got guest 2466 is in the house.

What's up, guest?

Big guest.

We should do a Maven interview.

Spoiler board says we should ask him about the Calgary Stampeders.

Is it a hockey team?

I'm guessing.

Bias' boss left upset because we said we weren't sure about doing the prank, I think.

Sorry.

We should do an interview.

We should call Maven and give her an interview.

You just got to be careful.

And, Ken, you mentioned this last week.

Big Dick's halfway in.

Can you resend the number to me?

Or something.

Because I couldn't find it.

I saw you were talking about that last week, and I couldn't find it in between calls.

If you get a chance, send that over to me.

We got a request to call the Burger King guy from last week, asking about bananas.

Remember, the guy that said it was a monkey in the office?

Oh, yeah.

I titled the show from last week.

It's called Monkey in the Office.

Or The Monkey Has an Office.

I did talk to Evil Artie.

He said he was busy.

He was very cryptic.

He said, I'm in Daytona Beach.

I'm like, okay.

What are you doing there?

I think he was buying drugs.

He's probably listening right now on Android.

Hey, Artie, be careful.

Whatever you're doing, be careful.

I think you're up to no good.

I'm going to call you out on the book.

This is Bram.

Hey, Bram.

How about those Stampeders, eh?

This is Cross.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

Yeah, good.

Listen, are you interested in doing some work over by the stadium?

We got free Stampeders tickets.

Uh, not really.

Do you do any kind of...

We just need you to pick up a few little pieces of trash,

and we'll give you four Stamperers tickets.

No, thanks.

What do you do?

I'm a...

What do you study? Engineering?

I'm in Montreal. I'm not...

I thought you were near Calgary, the home of the 88 Winter Olympics.

So, physics?

What are you going to do with that?

Are you going to teach it?

Because there's not really a lot of physicians out there anymore.

Yeah.

I'm not interested, so...

Do you want to work with CERN?

I can get you a job with CERN.

Are you interested in that?

Come on.

I don't know why I needed to send a guy named Bram in Calgary.

I got nothing to go with.

One, four, two, six, seven.

I had a good question for him.

Milkman's a good one.

If you go to the top of a building and you drop a pound of feathers and a pound of lead, what lands first?

It doesn't matter if it's a vacuum or not.

They still fall at the same rate, Milkman.

It's gravity.

Hey, listen.

I got a question.

Question, if I go to the top of a building and I drop a pound of lead or a pound of feathers,

do they fall at the same rate, even though it's not in a vacuum?

How does that work?

They fall at a completely different rate, man.

Feathers weigh less.

That doesn't make sense.

They both weigh the same, and there's one constant, which is the speed of gravity, though.

You're not taking into account the quantum effects.

There's quantum effects?

Oh, yeah.

Of what?

Of the feathers?

I don't understand.

There's no quantum effects in the gravitational field.

That doesn't make any...

Well, you've got to rule out wind resistances and everything.

There's still...

You don't know what you're talking about.

They fall at the same rate.

They reach terminal velocity, and they fall at the same rate.

What's your problem?

Sure.

A pound of feathers and a bowling ball.

If I were to throw a bowling ball, right, and a baseball,

and drop them from the same height down,

you're telling me they're going to fall at a different time?

Yeah.

Now, how come they told me that that one guy went to the Leaning Tower of Pisa

and he did the same thing, and they both landed at the same time?

Oh, because Galway...

But they land at the same time.

No, they're off by a little.

Well, explain quantum mechanics.

What's that?

All right, here we go, man.

Listen, if a train leaves Calgary going 35 miles an hour

and another one leaves Toronto going 20 miles an hour,

where will they meet?

Vagina.

Vagina?

All right, cool.

I don't know.

Good point.

That's what I would have said.

Vagina.

I like that guy.

And that was Galileo.

I know what I'm talking about.

Galileo, they were like, you're crazy.

And he went up and he did that test.

It wasn't a bowling ball.

It was like a heavy thing and a light thing.

time i think it was an apple and a cannonball well good i guess this physics is good for

something it's good for stupid starter kids calling a middle of night in the middle of

prank calls oh what if i throw a feather down quantum physics my ass milkman you're bringing

up the vacuum but i'm telling you it's the same thing it's the same thing it doesn't matter if

it's a vacuum or anything because the properties are the same from where you're throwing them at

unless they're in two different rule out air resistance if if it's not rule out the air

air resistance it doesn't matter it doesn't matter what if they're they're both solid

masses okay i think they're right that's me i'll be catching i got you now look when we're doing

a show milkman okay we're doing a show milkman all right we're sending the number for the uh

counter over in australia we called once and acted kind of funny we can call that

also for the hotel schloss schweiner daschendorf in australia all right good but in the meantime

time let's get to the bbc number here from nunu and his suggestions yes hi um this is the bbc in

the uk britain or england or where exactly yeah in the uk all right i was trying to reach the bbc

switchboard in the united kingdom yeah that's where you've come through to yeah but this is

in england though you said this is the uk i need to get right i need to get a hold of england right

do you realize that england is in the united kingdom well i'm in the united states and i

I asked the MNC to put me through to the BBC in England,

and you're telling me you're in the United Kingdom,

so I got the wrong place.

Can you put me through to England?

We are in England.

England is one of four countries that is part of the United Kingdom.

I'm confused.

You are speaking to the BBC that is in England and in the United Kingdom.

Well, I was talking before to the BBC switchboard in Britain,

and they gave me this number to call to reach England.

Who are you actually trying to reach?

And I'll see if I can try and put you through.

I know you want to speak to the switchboard in England,

But when you speak to them

Who are you wanting to speak to

I've got breaking news for the radio station

BBC World Service

But it has to be the one in England

Not the one in the UK

It's all one and the same

England is part of the United Kingdom

They're separate entities

Not when it comes to the BBC

It's all one and the same

There's a World Service in the United States

And then there's a World Service

In the United Kingdom and England

Alright, but I'm in the United States

I don't need

I'm in the UK

England is part of the UK

You've got Northern Ireland, England, Scotland

Isle of Man, The Rock of Gibraltar

The Rock of Gibraltar is not included

This is England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales

But it's classed as the UK

So you're wanting World Service

One moment

Is it for radio or television did you say, sorry?

Radio machine

Radio, okay

Okay. And what kind of news story is it?

Oh, there's a riot down in New York. They're rioting.

There's a riot in New York. Okay.

One moment for me, and I'll see if I can try and get someone on the phone for you.

Thank you, Governor.

She wasn't a mean lady.

There's a mean lady sometimes when you call.

Anyway, keep those requests coming in, folks.

I am taking them, and I will be getting to them.

I'm trying my best to stay afloat here, despite the fact that I've got a cold, as you can hear.

Yeah

I might go for some bacon right now

I really want some bacon

Ooh, that's nice

I'm out of

The friend of mine

Milkman

That friend of mine

That I told you

Is gonna visit us this weekend

Hopefully take him out

For breakfast

Local diner here

He's cool

You know, diner

And he's gonna get

A lot of bacon

Fried bacon

And eggs

Oh, that's awesome

You ever make bacon

And then fry the eggs

Inside the bacon fat?

Yeah

I like to

Hello

Hi, can I help?

Yes, hi

I'm trying to reach

The World Service

Service, BBC in England.

Yeah, this is us.

Yeah, this is The World Today.

Who's speaking?

This is Cross Valente.

Now, the lady I was talking to before said you were in the United Kingdom, so I'm a little

confused.

That's right.

We are.

I'm trying to reach England, not the United Kingdom.

Yeah, it's the same.

England in the United Kingdom.

Did you want to speak to Karen?

Yes.

Okay, hold on.

Hello?

Karen, hi.

This is Cross Valente.

I'm with UPI.

Oh, sorry.

You're quoting from Greenpeace.

Well, no, I'm from UPI, and there's a riot down here in New York,

and I'm supposed to call in.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

There's a riot here in New York City.

They're rioting in Times Square.

My name is Cross Valente with UPI,

and they wanted me to give a call to the BBC in England,

but I understand that I reached the United Kingdom office instead,

the United Kingdom Bureau.

Go to roll number.

I think you might have to go to roll number.

This is BBC World Service Radio.

Who else did you call again?

Huh?

Who else called us again?

I'm supposed to call on behalf of Karen to give a report.

On behalf of Karen?

Yes.

Of Karen who?

Well, my boss said Karen needs to speak to you to make a live report on the scene in New York City of the riot for the BBC World Service Radio.

Sorry, what's your name and what do you do again?

I'm Cross Valente. I'm with UPI and I'm a big-time reporter.

I'm with Cross Valente and the News Solvers.

You're a reporter

Absolutely, yes

On what story, sir?

UPI

I don't get it, I'm sorry

UPI

In the Associated Press

Who else called us?

My boss did

Your boss did?

Joe Fox

FOX

Did anyone call you and spoke about a story that we asked you?

Because I don't think, you probably come through to the wrong program of the BBC

Well, no, they said BBC Radio, World Service,

and it's the radio station that plays on Sirius Radio,

on the satellite radio here, and on some of the public stations.

Yeah.

Okay, well, they wanted me to give a report.

They were supposed to record my report.

Look, this man just threw a bowling ball up in Times Square at the big screen,

and it's on fire.

I don't understand.

You know the big Coca-Cola screen in Times Square?

Yeah.

A man threw a bowling ball at it, and it broke it, and it's on fire.

It's shooting off sparks the Times Square. It's on fire. No, just the coca-cola sign, right?

They threw a bowling ball. Why are you telling us what do I do really get it? Sorry?

Is there someone there speaks English?

I don't understand. Why are you calling us?

I mean if you're reporting it then shouldn't you be reporting on your paper or on your outlet?

No, I'm supposed to give a report that would be played on the air on the road on the radio service the World Radio Service

You would interrupt breaking news.

It would say breaking news.

Okay.

And then you'd be like this.

Well, we have recorded it, so you don't have to call us again.

What did you?

I've got it.

What did you record?

I have recorded it, so you don't have to call us again.

Okay?

You recorded me talking because I wasn't ready.

I wasn't on.

No, it'll be fine because I have taken down what you've told me,

so you don't have to call us again.

I've got the information.

Well, listen, if you put it down, listen, this is my chance here.

Okay? So you need to put down, you need to credit me.

You got my name?

No.

Well, my name is Cross Valente with UPI.

You need to say that this is news from Cross Valente with UPI.

Because if not, then you're going to take credit for my story.

Who do you think you are?

And who do you think you are?

I'm Cross Valente with UPI. You need to write that down.

You need to credit me in this story.

Well, we haven't put it on there yet, but thanks for the information, okay?

Well, if you do, there's a police horse here, too. Okay?

The police what?

The police was on a horse.

A police officer was riding a horse.

The police are riding a horse?

No, you know there's a police horse for crowd control?

Yeah.

Okay, and the policeman got scared and he jumped off the horse and he ran away and he abandoned the horse.

Okay.

Now these youths, they threw apples at the horse.

Okay.

And then they masturbated the horse.

He masturbated the horse.

And now the horse is on their side.

Okay, I think...

The leader of the right...

I think we've got enough information.

The riot leader is riding the horse now.

The horse fell in love with him.

He's a good horse.

Right.

Okay, I've got enough information now.

The horse's name is Darkie.

Darkie the horse.

We still don't understand.

How can you do it when he wears his shoes?

Big Mac said,

With the shoes on!

And Lonesome Loser has made it.

Good.

We got the lose.

I'm the lose with the Lonesome Loser.

Lonesome Loser's there on his Windows XP machine.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

He got upset at me because I made fun of his Windows XP machine a few weeks ago.

Baz is in the house.

What's up, Baz? I was talking about you earlier. Sorry about the numbers I didn't get to.

He was asking if it was a black youth or a white youth that masturbated to the horse. I don't know.

Guess we'll all have to tune into the BBC to find out.

Alright, we got Angelica from somewhere. I have a website for her. Hang on, let me check it.

Boudoir Chic. I have no idea what boudoir... What's a boudoir?

Milkman, do you know what that is?

Boudoir?

It's a word for bedroom.

B-O-U-D-O-I-R? Really?

Boudoir.

I thought that was, like, a place where, like, the women have sex with the men.

Yeah, but isn't a boudoir, like, oh, you know, the boudoir.

Isn't it like a bordello?

All right, and what's clique?

Cheek.

C-H-I-Q-U-E.

Q-U-E.

Q-U-E?

Yep.

I don't know either.

See?

It's confusing, all right?

Okay, I don't even know how you spell that.

What's it called?

Shicky?

I don't know.

All right, let's ask her.

Let's ask her about her bed.

I don't know.

That's, like, a so-called bordello.

and what's a bordello anyway milkman are there any bordellos out there all i know is the movie

bordello blood well that was a famous place because in world war ii was like a layover for

the you know the troops and they went to they would have the sex right

bitches everything yeah man yeah 40 bucks extra money and you know

a little bit i'm gonna have to go over there again man make the banana cry milkman you know

know what i mean yeah oh man that was creepy i like i like it when i look down all right we are

calling her what's her name again angelique angelica oh god i'm so sick i don't think we're

gonna get an answer here milkman nothing there no problem no worries we got more numbers where

that came from um this song again gorilla radio okay um quick shout out over to uh brian lawrence

On Facebook, he just gave us a shout out

On Facebook, it says

Now it feels like a fucking Thursday

That's right, cause Madhouse is on

I used to love Thursdays, man

Growing up, cause Thursdays

At first, when I was in middle school still

Thursday was always the day that

The Simpsons came on

Thursdays was the day that

The Simpsons came on

I remember early, back in the beginning of the show

So, be excited, you know

Cause you're like, oh, the next day is Friday

You get to slack a little bit, you know, in school

school, Friday's always a slacker day, you get to watch the Simpsons, go to school the

next day, and everyone's kind of letting it hang, I always like Thursday nights more than

Friday nights, because it's Thursday night, and weekend hasn't even started yet, and I'm

the kind of guy, I don't work hard on Friday, because it's Friday, I'd be a good union worker

man, they cut out Friday, last job I had a lot of union workers there man, Friday, 2pm,

those union workers are gone, I didn't mind, it was cool, I was the IT guy there, and the

The guys in the middle room were always the funnest.

They always had fun.

But, man, I'll tell you what.

Friday afternoon, 2 p.m., 1 p.m. sometimes.

We ain't working.

Fuck that.

It's Friday.

We got to drink.

We weren't drinking there, but they were eating a lot of chips, taking breaks in the parking

garage, smoking weed.

I knew it.

I knew they were.

Anyway.

The reason I'm talking to that little man is I don't understand the fact that I'm a criminal.

Who has jurisdiction?

That number's coming in from Baz.

Who has jurisdiction in this?

and there's uh what who has jurisdiction in those instances in one instance what are you talking

about what happens well you know people participating in horse masturbation who has

jurisdiction over the oh god i don't know that's that's a that's the cops man federal that's a

crime man it's the horse it shouldn't be the best because it's horses the horses aren't no the horses

aren't um into it man anyway we got a lumber here i don't know it's not funny milkman it's a

We got a lady who wants a free car.

A Mustang.

She thinks she deserves a Mustang.

Her name is Becky.

She runs a massage studio.

No happy endings.

She runs a massage studio with real happy endings.

That's what I'm talking about.

I don't know what to call this.

No one's looking for a happy ending massage studio, man.

What does she look like?

I don't know, dude.

I don't have all that.

I don't have a whole box.

How big are your tits?

All right, Baz is sending in a number.

I've got to refort my heart.

What?

Anyway, he's got a number here in Sydney.

Find them a big tits. We need that for sure because it's one of our qualifications.

Australia, colorectal clinic. A tense sounding woman answered at the colorectal clinic.

Alright, that's funny. Tense. Alright, let's give them a call.

Northern Sydney colorectal clinic. Hopefully this doesn't cost too much money.

Colorectal clinic, Carolyn speaking.

This is the colorectal.

Sorry?

This is the colon rectal place.

This is colorectal surgery, yes?

Alright, yes. I'm in need of a surgery on the colon.

Alright, have you got a referral letter to one of the doctors?

I got a referral from the United States.

They sent me to Australia.

They said they have the best doctors for colon issues here in this place where I'm calling.

Do you want to make an appointment?

Well, what is your availability like?

And is it a female doctor or a male doctor who will be touching me?

A male doctor that does the colon surgery.

Two male doctors.

I've got Dr. Pillinger and Dr. Justin Evans who does colorectal surgery.

Will they mess with the colorectal fistula?

I love it.

I'm sorry.

It's a very noisy line.

I'm sorry, there's a noise in the background because I'm...

Dr. Justin Evans could see you here in the St. Leonard's rooms in Sydney on Tuesday, the 1st of November.

Okay, I can take a plane and go down there.

All right, now do you accept my insurance?

I have United States Medicaid.

Doubt it, you would need to check with the hospital involved.

Oh, okay.

You would have to have private hospital insurance with Australia to be covered for the private hospitals here.

Oh, okay, and what do I have to do in order to do that?

Can I buy the insurance?

You would need to contact a private health fund to get those details.

Does the doctor use warm instruments or does he use them cold on my colon?

I don't know.

I'm getting that weird echo.

I know I call the UK sometimes, Australia.

Those underground cables, they do that, underwater cables.

Oh, God.

Time is 11.30.

I think I might take a break now because this is starting to get to me.

I've got to do a good nose blowing here in a little bit.

We're going to call this so-called Becky.

Let's see where this goes.

You have reached the Sprint voicemail box of...

Nurse Becky, licensed massage therapist, nationally certified in therapeutic massage and body work.

Okay.

We'll try to call her later.

She's not answering yet, sir.

So thank you for sending that.

Becky is not ready to massage.

Bye is his boss.

It's sending a number here for a creepy guy.

I had reservations about his call to a teenager before.

But this one is different.

this is the weirdest

50 year old guy

dude on earth

he's black

he's really angry about

the ending of

all the sitcoms

and Baz's message came right in front of me

of all the sitcoms

the ending of all the sitcoms

he hates the show

How I Met Your Mother

I've never watched that show

I don't watch many sitcoms

I got over sitcoms after like Seinfeld

I was like oh fuck after the ending of Seinfeld

I was like fuck sitcoms it's all the same

I tried watching that new Whitney Cummings

sitcom with Athena I heard nothing but bad things

about it I tried to watch it

I understand it's doing good and it got picked up

in the ratings you know they did good in the ratings

it got picked up for the rest of the season but

holy shit is that a crappy show

anyway he calls that show

how I beat your mother he loves

the big bang

theory he lives in New York

works for the

The IRS, call him and tell him that I would either masturbate a horse,

then watch the Big Bang Theory, or watch any of those sitcoms.

Okay, Bias is a Boss, we'll try that.

Call him Spike. Spike.

Okay, alright.

Little trepidatious about calling this.

This is kind of weird here.

Bias is a Boss is one of the newer listeners, and you never know.

Sometimes he might be a snake in the grass.

Snake in the grass.

We'll do it. Whatever.

I am shielded by Operation Shield.

Play the music until your party answers the phone.

Curb Enthusiasm, good show.

He's black?

Anyway, that's Curb Enthusiasm's theme song.

I love that show, man.

It came back for a new season and it only had like five episodes.

Michael J. Fox was in the next to last one, I think.

Play the music until your party answers the phone.

Whenever I hear that song, I always make a fart noise at that part.

Athena loves it when I do that.

She laughs and laughs.

I got Athena hooked on that show, too.

When I was going through my surgeries and stuff like that in the recent months,

I downloaded the HBO Go app on my Android phone,

and in the hospital I was watching Kirby Enthusiasm on my Android phone.

How do you watch HBO?

Yeah, you have to have an account with your cable provider, you know,

that you have HBO.

But, yeah, it's good.

Comcast thing, too, that they got.

You can get on the go or whatever.

Xfinity, yeah.

You put in your Xfinity account info, username and password in HBO's site,

and you get to watch them.

Oh, it's awesome, though, because they got every episode of all their series ever.

Sopranos, every Sopranos, Rome, which is really a Game of Thrones.

How much is it a month?

It's free.

You just have to have HBO.

If you pay for HBO, you get HBO, you get it for free.

Yeah.

Yeah, but dude, yeah, I gotta watch Game of Thrones

Yeah, you know what, I will

Yeah, sure, you can use mine

Just don't order anything with it

I never watch it anyway, I'll probably watch it one time

Yeah, there you go

Yeah, but I gotta watch Game of Thrones

I saw the first episode and I didn't watch the rest of them

I heard nothing but good things about it

But I'm in the middle of reading the

Well, not reading the book, I got the audio book

I've been listening to it, I'm halfway through it

Awesome, awesome stuff

Game of Thrones

Game of what?

Thrones, coño.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got a subscription to Audible now.

Oh, yeah.

That sounds fun.

That's where I got my Game of Thrones.

Audible.

Yeah, because what I'm doing is I'm getting all the books I like for cheap,

and then I'm going to close out,

because the only thing I really read is only classic stuff.

Yeah.

You know, out of print or very, very, very old.

Yeah, Game of Thrones, I got for an Audible.

I went in.

You get two free books when you sign up if you use an offer code.

And I got Game of Thrones, one of the books,

and I got the Steve Jobs book, Icon.

When I'm done with this Game of Thrones book,

I'm going to listen to Icon.

No, not Icon.

It's not that one.

I don't think that one's an audiobook yet.

There's a different one.

There's a different Steve Jobs book

that I'm going to listen to.

How many books do you have?

Well, there are a lot of books on Steve Jobs.

There's quite a few of them.

And I wanted to mention...

Not one that he wrote.

They're just me, you know, like biographies,

not autobiographies.

No, there are quite a few.

There are quite a few of them.

I don't know.

And I know there's a special, Discovery's going to have

An 8 o'clock on Sunday

Discovery's going to have

A documentary on Steve Jobs

I don't know if it's an hour or two

But I saw the commercial for that

I'm going to DVR it and watch that for sure

Steve Jobs

Documentary on Steve Jobs' life

After he died I watched

I re-watched

I own a copy of Pirates of Silicon Valley

I watched that

That's a cool movie

if you're into IT and the tech industry.

And then I went out and I downloaded the PBS one.

Some nerd guy made a series of what they called,

I forgot, a PBS documentary on the tech industry,

early days of it, and a sequel to it.

I watched those.

It has a lot of Steve Jobs interviews in it

and Bill Gates and all this stuff.

You know something, Milkman, you remember Excite?

You remember the Excite website?

It used to be a big portal and search engine

back in the early days of the internet up until like 2000.

remember that yeah did you know that um that sergey guy that worked on google do you know he

went to them in 2000 and offered to sell them google for like i think it was for a hundred

thousand dollars who did sir sergey whatever the the guy that and uh the co-founder of google

i thought it was like a chinese dude or something no that's that's yahoo that's yahoo the google

guy it's eric schmidt i think and sergey something but he went to the excite guys and he said hey

hey, this is taking up too much of my time.

I'll sell it to you for $100,000.

And then they talked him down to $75,000, I think, or something like that.

And then they passed on it, and then he ended up, he kept doing it,

and now Google's like freaking billions and billions of dollars.

It's one of the biggest companies out there.

It is the internet for the most part.

Yeah, Google almost got sold to Excite back in 2000 for like pennies on the dollar, literally.

And they passed up on it.

Now Excite's nothing.

Excite, I don't know anything about Excite anymore.

more. X-Site's dead. What's X-Site?

You just got finished telling me you knew X-Site.

You knew what it was.

I'm just fucking around, dude. I'm making a

point, man. Who the fuck heard of X-Site?

Oh, I got it.

I got it. I'm sorry. 11 years later.

I'm sorry. My sugar's

on milk, man. I'm sorry. It's alright, man.

My sugar's on milk. Go get you one of them brownies,

man. I might. Fucking

sick. This sucks. Anyway.

Lonesome, if you still have the burger

game we called last week that they called the guy a monkey

on last week's episode,

So, get me that.

That'd be cool.

I'd like to follow up with him.

He's probably closing up again tonight.

You guys, I'm sorry to say, we're having fun, but I gotta take a break.

I gotta stand up and walk around, blow my nose, get something to drink.

Because I'm not super sick, but it's starting to hit me.

And I'm just like a nasally fuck right now.

I gotta go get some medicine.

See if I can find some Zycam or something.

Holy shit.

Yes, man.

You'll be alright.

I don't do it.

You think I'm reclute or something?

We got another number from Baz here also that we'll get to.

Lonesome Loser sending in numbers.

Nunu sending in numbers.

We got a few requester pranks to get to.

Even my voice is going, dude.

It sounds cool.

Tell Nunu we want fresh virgin numbers in soiled butter.

We'll talk about it.

Kenny had a good show last night.

I listened to his last show last weekend.

It was pretty funny, actually.

It wasn't bad.

He did that, too.

It's like, hi.

Anyway, so when we come back, we got more numbers coming up.

We got a number from Baz.

Hopefully, once some loser can locate that Burger King we called last week.

He also sent in numbers for a China Doll Cafe.

cafe and there's the burger king sure enough my man lonesome loser found it already what's up

brother we got the numbers that curaz sent in in australia australia in austria the other one

whoops i speak english good anyway and all your requests coming up more madness in the madhouse

with milkman milkman obese we're gonna have fun no matter what that is right sick or not we're

gonna have fun all right we'll be right back in about in about five or six minutes give me enough

enough time. I'm going to run a few laps, do some

rails, smoke some drugs, like

Milkman said over there. Smoke some drugs, everybody.

Smoke them if you got them. We're right back. This is

Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Don't get a quick timer, man.

I hope that when you die,

P.S. in your box, and a trap

door at the bottom. So when you die,

you open a trap door at the bottom, and you

go straight down. Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better

Better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

How's the radio back on the hour?

Second half of the show is commencing.

Got myself a sandwich and I feel great.

Milkman, you there?

No, man.

Excuse me, folks.

All right, we got Milkman hopefully here coming up soon.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Hey, lost you there on the break.

Sorry, man.

Sorry about that.

I'm in one half.

I figured something happened.

But we're back.

We're back on the air.

Yes.

All right.

Got myself a sandwich, as I said.

You missed that part, Milkman.

It was a good sandwich.

Would you like to hear about my sandwich?

Yeah.

What did you have?

A mashed potato?

No, no.

It wasn't really like that.

I had two slices of American cheese, a little bit of mayonnaise, some Cheez-Its, and two

pieces of bread.

Wow.

Not bad, huh?

Sounds good.

That's all good, dude.

That's a meatless, crunchy sandwich.

Even the crunchy stuff had that cheese in it, man.

Cheez-Its.

You gotta love Cheez-Its, man.

i love cheez-its i i love cheez-its but you can i can only eat cheez-its original cheez-its i don't

want the hot sauce ones i don't want the fucking white cheddar i don't want any of that nasty shit

i just want regular cheez-its and then now they got i saw they got big cheez-its they're like the

size of four of them in one like a big wafer those are good but if you take cheez-its and you start

with white cheddar cheese and white american cheese is nasty no and uh cheese nothing it's

got to be original fucking cheese it that's the only good thing and i love it i'll eat the hell

out of some cheese i'll eat a whole box so you get really bad diarrhea you try anything but

no it just tastes like crap happen ma'am whenever you gotta relieve yourself you gotta put like a

400 degrees shit in the oven there you go man new news we gotta say don't break these when

we didn't manage that last night i'm confused because bias's boss or jose bias is sending

and a number for charlie is a stupid chinese restaurant owner this is this you know this guy

you're trying to be funny sir i know the dude drop in i know charlie he's my friend i think

we got listeners that have been messing with charlie off the air because the other a few

weeks ago his cell phone number got leaked out on on an episode and i think i even left it on

the podcast i think who the hell is giving our numbers out that was me on accident no that was

me because charlie's number it'll it'll forward his voicemail on his cell phone if it's after

for hours. And I called him after he

closed, and it gave out his number

and I forgot to, you know,

mute it.

All you gotta do is just want to read it.

Yeah, but I forgot to.

I forgot to. I was blind. I couldn't find it.

Oh. I fucked up.

Jill's in the house. Big Jill's checking in.

What's up? Caraz and

Jilly Bean.

Let's see. Two Caraz's is in there also.

That's fun. Herbal Bacon made it.

What's up, Big Herbal? Big Bacon?

We were talking about bacon earlier in the episode.

Jill says Charlie's a gentleman.

and a scholar. That's true.

Charles. Chuck. Alright, here's the plan. We're going to do some

Lonesome Loser numbers. Then we're going to call

Karaz's Austria numbers.

Then we're going to call Charlie. Then we're going to call

Nunu's numbers. And then we'll regroup and see what else we got.

Okay? Sounds like a good plan. Okay, good.

Starting off with Walk on

Wheels. Fear is your only god,

Milkman, because you're paranoid all the time.

Mine. Remember what JFK said.

The only thing we have to fear

is what you can do for your country.

Is that power now? No, sir.

Huh? No.

Dude, I've got it on Audible. I have to rip it to you once again.

Well, yeah, I always thought about getting Audible, but Andy would always make fun of me.

He said, you know what, you're a fucking homo.

If you're going to read a book, read a book.

No, but Andy would make fun of me.

He said, if you don't get an audio book, read the book, look him in, and blah, blah, blah.

So I never get it, but then when I went blind, I was like, ah, shit, I've got to do something.

So Athena went on, and she's like, well, here's something for you to do.

Well, put him on the FTP.

FTP. Put them on the Madhouse FTPs.

You know, we got the Madhouse secret FTP that me and Nunu use, yes?

Yeah, once I get my...

All right, sounds good.

But you know what?

Anyway, before I do this prank call, I wanted to mention,

I checked out Kindle for the first time.

I use Amazon all the time,

but I knew about the new Kindle that came out,

the one with no audio, but it's $79.

I was like, oh, that'd be nice.

And then I didn't know Kindle.

I know Kindle had an Android app,

But I didn't know Kindle had a free program for the PC that you can read the Kindle books, you know, on your PC after you purchase them.

I was like, oh, shit, that's kind of cool.

You know, so.

Yeah, yeah.

The whole deal with Kindle is you'll be able to.

Well, yeah, I know that.

I can read now.

You won't read to me.

I can read now.

No, I mean, but it won't.

No, but Kindle will read audiobooks to you.

Audible.

You can have your Audible account.

Audible and Robot Voice.

Yeah, well, no.

Robot Voice.

Yeah, that, but also Audible will work on their Kindle.

It's supported.

recorded audible and uh amazon have something i don't think they're the same company but they

got something going on anyway hey quiet prank calls call in utah i am agent johnny utah i am

an fbi agent i can't do that voice right because i'm sick the voice kiana reeves and uh speed

hello hi this is this is the walk what this is the walk no i'm sorry you're wrong no this is

is chinese food milkman shut up yes hi can i make an order please you want me to pick up or

do that way um why not just pick up and to go pick up please who do you like uh do you have

chinese house rice what what house rice house rice yeah yeah and what do you put milkman mute

your fucking microphone god damn it all right anyway you have house rice right house fried

Yeah, house-fried rice.

All right, so you put in the water and the rice and the oil?

The water is house-fried rice and one cup of water.

Uh-huh.

Okay, anything else?

Yeah, then I eat the food, right, and it goes in my stomach.

It goes down the esophagus and in the stomach, right,

and it gets grinded up in the stomach.

Listen, I don't know.

Wait a minute, okay?

Yeah, hey, the house-fried rice?

You need to come and pick up?

Yeah, pick up.

Oh, okay, one house-fried rice?

And I eat the rice, it goes in the stomach, and the enzymes and the acid, they break it down, right?

What?

The enzymes and the acid in the stomach break it down in my stomach.

Oh, that's okay.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I thought about that.

Yeah, that's okay.

The enzymes break down the rice, the house-fried rice, in my stomach, right?

The acid and the enzymes, you know?

I'm not sure.

What?

The house-special fried rice will throw?

Yeah, the digestive fluid in the rice goes down into the colon.

and it goes into the upper intestine, the large intestine,

and it mixes with bile from the liver, and the bile removes...

I don't understand.

So you want to teach me the medical lessons or what?

No, I'm just explaining.

I'm making sure this is how it works.

When you eat the rice, it goes into the large intestine,

and then the small intestine, it goes in there,

and then it forms into feces, right?

And it packs up in the colon?

Sorry, I don't know.

That's hard, maybe.

No, you don't understand that when the colon gets full, it sends a signal to your brain

that makes you know you need to evacuate your bowels.

Yeah, maybe, but I don't know.

We don't have time to discuss those things.

Okay.

So we're just almost close.

So do you want to order?

Yeah, yeah, I want to order.

Okay, so do you want to come here and pick up?

Yeah, I'm going to go there, and then you have the walks, right?

Sorry.

Can I order?

We're just open, like, just five to ten minutes, so if you want to give me an order, you can order now.

Otherwise, thank you for your calling, okay?

I order, okay.

So would you mind giving the order now?

Uh-huh.

House fried rice.

Uh-huh.

And then I eat it, and I pull down my pants, and I put my ass inside the walk, and I release my bowels, and my feces comes out.

Sir, I think you should call either 911 or the hospital, okay, to cure your thing.

We cannot do that for you.

I'd take a shit in the walk.

Nice.

Milkman, what was going on?

You talking to the protesters?

I'm trying to do a call and you're like...

Hippie?

I didn't know it was unreaded, man.

Sorry.

You jerk.

Yeah, hi.

Do you have toilet paper?

Huh?

Toilet paper.

Hello?

Sorry.

Can you...

Can you put the woman...

Put woman on the phone.

You know her number?

Woman.

Woman what?

Put woman on phone.

Can you go home?

No.

Toilet paper.

Yeah.

Toilet paper.

No, I already know.

Go home.

Toilet paper.

He only 10 kilometers.

He only know.

And more and more, he go home now.

Shut up.

Hey.

Sorry.

Shit.

Sorry.

All right, Milkman, there you go.

That one's for you.

I'm sorry I got upset at you, Milkman, but I was trying to do a call, and you're sitting

there.

So what were you, are those the-

I didn't know.

I tried to push the button.

Are those the occupiers that you were talking to?

Who was that?

They was the wall people.

Yeah, I heard you said, fuck the corporations, and they're like, eeeh.

Go back to them and ask them about horses.

Tell them, masturbate on horses.

Oh my God, of all the banks.

I'm telling you, man.

Yeah, I'm ready.

I closed my bank account.

I'm opening up with a small credit union here in town.

I have one of those big banks.

I'm not saying which one it is, but I had an account with one of the big banks.

I said, yeah, these assholes.

I've been wanting to do it for a while.

Wow. I've always had credit unions, but when I moved up here from Florida, I had to go with a big bank.

Because I don't know...

They're out of the United States. They left Florida, Orlando.

They don't have any branches up here, asshole.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello, this is Burger King. Thanks, Milkman. Thank you.

We're calling. Oh, that was the same number again. Anyway.

No, listen, Milkman, I've always had a small community bank, small credit unions.

But when I left Florida, I moved up here, and the credit union that I was with, I couldn't bank with them up here because they're not up here in Pennsylvania, only in Florida.

So to facilitate the move, I picked the bank that was big that had branches in Florida and Pennsylvania.

So I could deposit and do my move and come up, and it would be convenient.

But that phase is done.

I've already done the move, so I'm getting ready to close the account of the big bank and find a small bank here in Pennsylvania to go with.

So I'm shopping around for a bank.

I don't like giving my money to those big banks.

Fucking assholes.

You know, Wells Fargo and Wachovia.

I think they're the same company.

Yeah, but dude, they hammer you with fuckings all the time.

Every time you turn around.

That's what I'm saying.

And then they make the rest of your shit over.

It's all just designed to do that.

That's the thing.

The credit union I was with, they never fined me.

I always had a balance in there.

They left me alone.

You know, if they had to transfer money automatically, never a fee, not a fee for this.

I got with this big bank and it's like, oh, you know.

Yeah, yeah, you used the ATM, we're going to charge you $1.50, and you called here, you're going to get charged this, and I'm like, what the fuck?

Like, you're nickel and diming me, dude.

Seriously, what the fuck is this about, you know?

I spent more on fees in six months with this big bank than I did in, like, eight years with the credit union I was with.

I'm like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

And it's not like I'm overdrawing and shit, it's just they're nickel and diming me for all this shit.

You're a fucking dork.

Out of your fucking mind, man.

Seriously.

Dude, I got over a fucking bank.

Didn't trust me for 20 fucking cents after eight years.

And it overdrew one, which overdrew another one,

which in turn drew about 14 in a row, man.

Oh, yeah, it just starts snowballing.

They get you on one, and it's just one after the other.

It was fucking hundreds of dollars they wanted me to pay just in fees,

and I wouldn't do it.

I closed the account.

I'm telling you, it's ridiculous.

know it's ridiculous but then um i forget who the two senator two congressmen i think are senators

uh harry reid and one of the other ones they put in legislature to stop that they were not to stop

it but to control the way the banks are doing it because they'll they'll put your deposits in last

and they'll they'll put in big charges first so they can get the most fees so they put in

legislature that affected that so that you know it would it would keep the banks and making it

It's so easy for them to make all those charges

Where they just start snow-jobbing you

When it comes to the overdrafts

And the banks came out and said

Oh, well we've lost all this

Fucking, you know

We've lost all the revenue from this

So we're going to start charging you for online banking

And we're going to start charging you for

Having a savings account transfer

They're starting to charge

They came out with all these fucking charges now

They'll charge you for using the ATM card now

You know what I mean?

What the fuck is that about?

And how is it possible?

possible what how do you get charged when you're saving them money instead of you having to write

a check and them getting this paper check and having to have somebody encode it and decode it

and pass it through and pay someone all this and have it all go through and instead of that it's

just electronic and it goes through in one night immediately and it posts the next day electronically

and they're gonna say well we're gonna charge a fee for that no you're just charging a fee because

you want to charge a fee asshole that's what it is it's fucking ridiculous man this is fucking a

fucking racket they're making all this fucking money dude they make all they're they're used to

making a lot of money and people are tired of it you know people are just fucking tired of you know

it's fucking ridiculous it's been coming for years and years i've been seeing the writing's been on

the wall i worked for banks i've worked i worked in the call center for a bank in 2007 and i lasted

about three weeks i was like i can't do this shit i cannot sit here and tell these poor customers i

would get them calling them crying they're like you understand i overdrew like you said milkman

at 20 cents and then you know and it's like they overdrew for 20 cents and then they got a 35

dollar free tacked on you know and then and then two more came in yeah two more charges for a

dollar a piece and it's like 35 so if next thing they know they're they're overdrawn 700 and their

paycheck is like 600 coming in and that's not right you know that's not right to do to somebody

because you covered you cover 10 bucks worth of charges you're gonna charge them 200 bucks worth

of fees the fuck is that i don't know if it's like that all over the country over the world

I don't know if that's just a USA thing.

Fucking Rothschilds.

Oh, Burger King.

Damn it.

I don't know if this is the monkey one, but we're calling him.

Luna says, do pranks, don't talk about banks.

That's a saying.

Pranks, not banks.

Hey, Milkman, are you there still?

Have any audio?

Okay, good.

My Burger King's not working.

Anyway.

Pranks, not banks.

What, Milkman?

What happened?

What'd you see?

We got a number for a Korean restaurant here.

No

Korean food.

They are closed.

We got a different Korean restaurant.

Let's call them here.

You know what sucks about living in this small town in Pennsylvania here from Orlando?

Orlando had a lot of restaurants, nice mix, eclectic mix of different foods, ethnic foods and stuff.

You don't get that here where I live in Pennsylvania.

Not in this town.

I'd have to move to, like, Philly or Pittsburgh, I guess, or something, but fuck.

I mean, I've been looking for a Puerto Rican restaurant.

I can't find one up here.

I don't get it.

There are no Puerto Ricans where I live.

I'm, like, one.

I've looked at some.

Have you tried any of the Amish food, man?

They probably got some very good Amish food around there.

What the fuck is Amish?

It's, like, British food.

It sucks.

What do they got, shepherd's pie?

What do they got?

Well, omelette. Omelette.

What's wrong with omelette food? What do you got against that omelette?

Oh, no. This is not...

Thank you.

This is Paula's Lebanese Grill.

Oh, we're actually... Well, we're actually closed. We closed at 9.

Do you do lamb there?

But we open at noon.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, what was that?

All right, do you do lamb there?

That's all I can do.

Shut up!

I made $6 for that.

I'm in the hole now.

God damn it, milkman.

I can't hear what you're saying.

Yeah, because this stupid asshole is talking over you.

I hung up on you.

What was your question?

Do you do lamb there?

Lamb?

Yes, we do.

All right.

Lamb cutlets, or how was it, like shish kebab style?

Yeah, yeah.

Both, or just one or the other?

We do shawarma, and we do kebab.

All right.

Is it tender?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

And they use rosemary, or what do they use?

I'm not sure.

I'd have to ask the cook.

You're going to rush or something?

You sound like you've got to pee.

What was that?

It sounds like you've got to pee or something, like you're in a rush.

Am I bothering you?

Oh, well, we're just about to step out the door.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

Hey, I found out today about the genie bra that it doesn't have any hooks or anything like that.

you just you can step into it and take it off like a t-shirt oh man it's true though man it's awesome

i'm gonna hang up on milkman what the fuck's his problem he knows we're doing praise oh

i'm making money he's having this conversation meet yourself you're gonna do that milkman

damn it please anyway let's call milkman back on and explain to him he needs to be quiet when

we're doing the calls we're doing a show gotta be quiet please enjoy the following music while

your party is being reached dude i had to hang up on you because i'm doing a call and you're

You're still talking about it.

You didn't make any money.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I'm going to hang up again if you can't hear me, Milkman.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Milkman, mute yourself.

We're going to talk to people, okay?

All right, dude.

I didn't mean to.

Jerk.

I'm trying to get the burger I came from last week to dial.

It won't go through.

Anyway, this is the last of the Lonesome Loser numbers for now.

We'll move on to Austria.

You mean the Austria?

Well, we've exhausted...

Hey, have you got any numbers?

He hasn't sent any.

We've exhausted the Lonesome Loser numbers here.

The bird came from last week

It's not ringing through

I don't know what's going on

I don't know if they're disconnected

Andy had a shitload of numbers

He should have some

Last time he did, yeah

But not right now

He doesn't milk me on, okay

Alright, so I'll go back to Lonesome in a second

I'm sure he's confirming more

Baz sent in a number or two, I think

That we need to get to

Check this out in a moment

Alright, cool

Before that, Kuras sent in numbers

And he's waiting patiently

He's sending in a few numbers

International ones

Let's go ahead and get to those here

Play some music

Yes, hello, is this Austria Taxi Machine?

This is Austria Taxi

It's a taxi company, yes

Okay, I need to get a ride, please, to pick me up

Where you are now?

I'm in Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris, France

And I need a ride to Austria

Okay, you please call a number

I give you a number and you call this number, okay?

No, what's your number? What do you do?

This is only the desk on the airport

Yes, I need to go to the...

I am at the airport.

You're at the airport?

Yes.

Where are you at in the airport?

In Terminal B, British Airways.

Yes, then come downstairs to the arrival hall, you know?

But I'm in Paris, and I want you to pick me up and bring me to the airport in Switzerland.

Where are you? In Paris?

Yes, and you pick me up and bring me to the Austrian airport.

Come on, man. It's not that much of a stretch.

Yes, I'm blowing my nose with a sock.

I'm saving trees. If you have a better idea, let me know.

I jerk off in the socks, too.

Mary, now you know.

One body of fluid looks like the other.

Bleh.

Did you notice he had a...

Welcome to Vienna...

...their gewünschte Teilnehmer meldet sich derzeit nicht.

Bitte wählen Sie nach dem Signal...

God.

Nasty language.

...we're buying here, we're getting started...

That guy's not playing anymore.

But we do have a hotel in Austria, the Hotel Schlosserfaschel.

Let's give him a call.

...welcome, bienvenue.

Herzlich willkommen im Hotel Schlosserfaschel.

Yes, hello, and welcome. This is Hotel Schlossel Fossil.

Hi, what can I do for you?

Yes, this is the Hotel Schlossel Fossil.

Hello?

Yes, I'm outside waiting for my shuttle to pick me up to bring me to the Hotel Schlossel Fossil.

Okay, and you're waiting for the transfer?

Yes, there's blind people walking around here.

And what do you want now?

You send a taxi from the airport to pick me up to bring me to the Hotel Schlossel Fossil.

To the Schloss Hotel Weikersdorf?

Yes, that, the walled Schlossel.

Pardon me, I don't know the Hotel Schloss

This is your...

You mean the Schloss Hotel Weikersdorf

The Schlosselhochdorf, yes, that one

Okay, and now you're on the airport

Oh, I started walking away from the airport

Because there were these children who were throwing apples at me and my horse

Okay

And I started riding the horse

Pardon me?

I was riding my horse

Okay

And then my horse doesn't have shoes on

So we had to stop

So now I need a taxi to pick up me and my horse

So we can go to the Hotel Schlosseldorf

Okay, I'm sorry, I can't send a taxi for you and your horse at all

Because we don't have taxis with transport for the horse

What do I do with horse?

You told me that you have got a horse

I do have a horse, but what do I do with horse if I can't bring him?

Maybe you can phone a place where the horses are, like a farm

You know what I mean?

Will they give my horse apples?

Pardon me?

Will they talk to Horse and say nice things to Horse and give him apples?

He loves apples. They're his favorite food.

Yes.

Okay. Well, listen, here's an idea.

Send a taxi to pick me up here, and we'll leave the Horse on the street.

Okay, please just tell me your name that I can check.

You're going to check in today in our hotel, Horse?

Yes.

Okay, just tell me your name.

It's for me, Ralph Littlejohn, and Mr. Horse.

The family name? I'm going to check it with my system.

Horse.

Pardon me?

Horse.

It's a family name.

Yes.

Okay, I'm sorry, we don't have a reservation.

Maybe you have got the reservation number?

But maybe you send taxi for me and I give you money for a horse.

Hotel.

No, I'm sorry, we don't offer taxi.

We are a hotel and we don't have a reservation at all in our hotel.

Hotel Schlosserfachsen.

Pardon me?

The Hotel Schlosserfachsen.

No, we are the Hotel Schlosserfachsen in Baden.

Okay, now if I come with my horse, maybe I ride my horse to the hotel and I give you my credit card.

Okay, but you don't have a reservation in our hotel, or do you?

But I'll make one. I'll make a new one.

Okay, so just come to our hotel, and then we're going to make a reservation.

What about horse?

You can go to a farm, or...

No, no, no.

My horse, please, my horse.

Yes.

My horse in the hotel, please.

No, we are a hotel.

Can I tie my horse up front?

He won't bother anybody. He's a nice horse.

Yes, but anyway, you don't have a reservation in our hotel?

But I will in the future. I will tonight.

night when i get there i will make a reservation for me and my horse okay okay so let's come to

the hotel and then we're going to make the reservation you accept my horse not in our

hotel but we can organize a farm for it no but you leave him outside just outside he's nice he

was in the plan and he was behaved he's it was okay you know it's not possible i mean we are

in austria it's not possible at all the horse was on the plane he sat down in the chair and

everything it was a good horse well it's a shetland it's a lady yes a shetland pony horse

horse. Okay. Listen. So just come to the hotel and then we're going to make the reservation

and yes. Listen, do you have massage there? Yes, of course. Yes. Massage for horse? No.

I'm sorry. We are hotel. We don't have our farm for horses. So you can go organize either

a farm, come to our hotel, make a reservation. Or I'm sorry, we don't offer places for horses

in our hotel. Maybe I give you. So I can't help you. I'm sorry. I have United States

dollars, the best money in the world. And you touch. Okay, yes, but I can't help you

But I give you personal money for you.

$1,000 if you touch the horse.

No, I'm sorry.

I can't help you at all.

So maybe call another hotel.

Is there someone there who will masturbate the horse?

No, pardon me.

I can't help you.

Sorry.

Bye.

Do you know what it is to masturbate a horse?

Thank you, Milkman.

Appreciate it.

That was sweet.

Yeah, we could put the horse in the other suite.

Put you in the suite.

welcome to schloss weikersdorf residence and spa a member of austria hotel thank you for calling

we will be with you as soon as possible all right no answer there she's probably telling

I'm calling everybody. Some weird guy wants to bring a horse.

Offer me $1,000 to masturbate a horse.

The person you have called is unavailable right now. Please try again later.

La persona que se ha llamado no está disponible.

Oops. We lost everybody. We lost Milkman, even. Hang on. I gotta mute.

Gotta get Milkman back on so I can talk over the pricks.

Enjoy the following music while your party is being reeked.

I don't know what happened.

Can I do this one? I would have music this time.

We got a number here for someone who posted a new phone number on their Facebook.

buck for the whole world to see including us whoo that's not an open invitation my guy's name is

rogelio what's up kids rogelio yo what's up yo what's eddie hey dude dude yo i just saw you

posted your new number yo i ain't talked to you in a long time yo yeah dude my new number how's

that how's life man yo it's all good yo so what's up you got iphone what's that what phone you get

You got an iPhone?

iPhone 4SG?

Um, it's a Nexus or something like that.

Yo, you get the Nexus Prime, yo?

Nexus Prime?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think it's just like Google Nexus or something.

Yo, that sucks.

Yo, the Nexus Prime coming out next week, yo.

Oh, yeah?

Your phone is whack.

Yeah, it's good, huh?

Yo, you got a whack phone, yo.

Yo, the Nexus Prime coming out next week.

Google's talking about Nexus Prime now.

Yo, the Nexus sucks.

Yo, why don't you get the iPhone?

iPhone 4.

4S.

It talks to you and everything, yo.

Yeah, it's a good chip.

I don't have money, though.

Yo, I got the iPhone 4S.

I was talking.

I hit the button.

I was like, what's up, yo?

It talks back.

Like, watch.

I'm going to test it now.

Milkman's going to do it.

I hit the button.

Milkman.

Call Rogelio.

You see?

That's it, though.

Your iPhone talks back to you, man.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yo, it's fucking trippy, yo.

Yo, so, do you hear it?

Yeah.

I put a customized voice on it, man.

That's cool, man.

Yo, so why'd you get the Nexus?

How much was in the fucking phone, yo?

Why'd you get the Nexus?

What happened?

How much was it?

$99?

Really, yo?

It was $99?

How much was it?

I think it was $99 or something like that.

I can't remember.

You got mail-in rebate, yo?

Nah.

Nah, I don't do that.

He's just straight up, yo?

Yeah, just straight up.

That's straight.

That's cool.

Wow, man.

That's cool, yo.

You got a two-year contract?

Yeah.

How's Lisa doing?

Huh?

How's Lisa doing?

Yo, she's all right, yo.

She's pregnant.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she's pregnant.

She got a baby, yo.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

You want to come over?

She's a good girl.

You want to come over?

Am I going to come over?

Man, what are you doing this weekend, yo?

Because she's talking about a threesome or something.

I don't know.

You ever try that with a woman and a man?

Like, I'm okay with it as long as you're on that side and we don't touch, then it's okay.

Yo, let me watch you jack off.

Yo, get Skype or Android on your phone and let me watch you jack off with me.

Come on, yo.

Milkman, you didn't let a guy watch you jack off before, right?

For money?

Milkman, I'm talking to you, yo.

iPhone.

That was gay.

He thought he knew me.

He was straight up, he thought he knew Eddie.

He was like, yo, what's up?

He wasn't in on that one.

The number told him.

No problem.

Yeah, the Nexus Prime was supposed to be announced on Tuesday by Google and, well, someone else,

but by Google and Samsung.

But unfortunately, it was the Google and Samsung, I think, but because of Steve Jobs' death,

they said they were going to hold off on it until the 19th.

They want to overshadow the death of the great Steve Jobs.

Yeah, they want to get all the fools that are ready to jump on them.

Yep.

Oh, I heard yesterday that someone was complaining they had upgraded iOS 5 and they lost the majority of their apps.

I don't know about killing phones.

I heard it was killing the apps.

That's the problem with that app, man.

With Android, you can image your phone.

You can make an image out of it.

You know, back it up.

You can't do that with iPhone unless you're jailbroken.

We got a German who's preying on his Facebook profile image and got a new phone.

He's a German.

Yes, hi, is this German?

Are you a stupid German?

Fuck you.

I don't want to talk to that guy.

It's 25 cents a minute, milkman.

25 cents a minute to talk to that guy.

Caraz, you just cost me a quarter.

And I only have like $4 of credit when we started this show.

You're a jerk.

Some German cell phone, man.

Don't call them cell phones in Europe.

Yeah, there's another one.

3-1-6-1-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Yeah, I can't call these.

Curaz, these other calls, I can't do them.

Sorry, man, too expensive.

I don't have that kind of money.

I don't have that KDK money.

Excuse me.

I meant to cough away from the mic.

You reminded me to say hello to the brand new listener, Kenny Kenny from India.

Who?

The Banchu from India.

We're out in India.

He's from Banchu.

He's Bengali.

Anywho.

All right, look.

Look, Pantason, dub plate King Johansson in Kingston, Jamaica.

A number in Jamaica, which I'm guessing is going to be expensive.

In my experience, whenever we call Jamaica, it's fucking expensive.

Let's try it.

You're the one, Milkman, that pissed me off.

You said, here, call this cell phone in Jamaica, and I called it.

It was like $1.50 a minute.

I could have killed you almost through the microphone, through the monitor that night.

Let's see how much this is.

Shit.

Yeah, how's she doing?

How's her daughter?

I don't know.

She wouldn't tell me anything like that, but I guess she's still alive, and that's all I know.

It says currently can't call that number.

I don't know.

I'll have to try it later, Nunu.

It says temporarily can't call that number on Skype.

I don't know.

Maybe the radar's down.

I don't know.

Starting to wrap things up here.

It's almost 1 o'clock a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That's about the time we wrap things up.

This is Madhouse Radio.

This has been October the 13th leading into the 14th.

I have no idea what we're going to call the show.

Any ideas, Milkman, on a title for the show?

Pranks, not banks, maybe?

I don't know.

You're welcome.

We got the numbers from Baz also.

Let's not forget those.

We gotta get those done.

Oh, okay.

I thought you were

gonna get some.

We got more.

Oh, okay.

Do we got any more

prank lines or pranks?

No more requested pranks yet.

No.

We called the

colorectal number already,

but we got a

Gentle Brook restaurant,

Mexican restaurant,

in Spain.

Cool.

Where?

Spain.

Ooh.

Yeah.

What's it called?

Oh, Saipan.

Saipan.

Huh.

You see how blind I am?

Saipan, not Spain.

And, uh, yeah.

Saipan's always fun.

They're kind of weird.

All right, let's give them

a call.

Saipan.

Better check the price, man.

And that could be the best way out in the middle of nowhere.

Don't tell me.

No, we've called it before.

It's pretty decent.

We'll see.

If it's expensive, I can't do it.

I know.

I think Saipan's one of those American ones, right?

I think it's pretty decent.

It is, but it's a specific thing.

It's a specific holding.

We'll see.

Yeah, so I don't have any numbers of Guam ready.

I'm trying to call.

It says invalid phone numbers when I'm getting when I try to call it.

How about Hawaii?

I don't have any Hawaii numbers in on me.

I can't just come up with numbers like that.

That Saipan number is a golden roll of it.

it's not up right now and i can't really see it invalid phone number for saipan

set skype to call us all right let me try that i'm still getting invalid phone number

cool

Cool.

It's not a valid number?

Don't call Saipan.

1-670-234...

Try the Hawaiian number.

What Hawaii number, Bill?

Walmart.

I don't have a number in Hawaii on me.

What are you talking about?

We used to call Hawaii.

Yeah, I don't have those numbers ready, Milkman.

Are you listening to me?

I don't have them on me.

I thought you didn't know what I was talking about.

I do.

You used to tell me the Hawaiian number.

I don't have the Hawaiian.

I don't have the...

Alaska number?

Now Milkman is just naming countries and places to call.

The country of Alaska, yes.

I'm a very good Thunderfuck.

I think I got to do it.

Yes, is this Saipan?

Yes, this is Saipan.

Saipan.

Saipan Mexican people.

Is this Saipan Mexican restaurant?

This one?

Yes.

This is the Gentlebrook Cafe.

Do you sell Mexican food?

Ah, yes, we have.

Some Mexican food.

Listen, I'm Puerto Rican, and I can't find any Hispanic food around here.

Are you Puerto Rico?

Yes.

Ah, okay.

You know the Susupe area?

No.

I don't know.

How about World Resort?

Yes.

It's not from the world.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

You can see the 360 building.

Uh-huh.

It's the first floor.

Yeah, yeah.

And what?

What happens there?

Yes.

Something happens?

They have Puerto Rican food there.

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't understand.

Do you have plantains?

I'm sorry? Hold, please.

Plantains.

Plantains. Listen, I want you to take a pork, and I want you to fry the pork and the plantains together.

Can you do that for me? Can you do that for me, please?

Can you please make Puerto Rican food for me?

Hold on, please.

Okay. Will you make Puerto Rican food for me, please?

You make Mexican food?

Mexican?

Yes.

Mexican food, we have a menu.

What do you make?

But listen, I'm from Puerto Rico

And I moved to Saipan

And there's no Puerto Rican food here

I want rice and beans, please

Rice and beans?

And pork, fried pork and rice and beans

And plantains

I'm sorry, I'm Japanese

And I'm sorry, I cannot understand

My name is

Vagina Jones

Vagina joined, okay, Mr. Vagina.

Joined, and then?

And I want to go down on you and perform oral sex on your vagina.

Dining?

On you. I want to kiss you down there in your private parts.

A month ago, I do.

I'm sorry?

I want to kiss you down there in your private parts.

What?

Yes, I want to kiss her down there in her private parts.

You want order, or?

To kiss the girl.

Is that your wife, waifu?

Yes.

I want to kiss waifu.

You call another company?

Is this funny? This is nonsense.

You're nonsense. I wanted to kiss you.

Kiss you and kiss wifey.

Bye bye. I have horse.

Saipan everybody. Saipan.

There's always a trip over there in Saipan. Well good we finally got that to work.

It only took me 10 minutes.

See what happened was I sent it to USA

but I forgot to take out

I took out a number

and I forgot to add the number again.

Stupid.

It's always something simple like that.

I usually do talk to Filipinos there

But I could tell Saipan.

I could, I mean, I could tell Japanese.

I could tell by the way they, I'm starting to learn the accents from doing this show.

The different accents of the different Asians.

The Asian peoples, the yellows.

Got the House of Prime Rib.

I've never been a big fan of Prime Rib.

Good evening, House of Prime Rib.

David speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, David.

The House of Prime Rib.

You got a lot of juices that come off of that meat, right?

What's that?

You have a lot of juices that come out of that meat?

Yes.

Do you make a gravy out of it?

Yeah.

You do make a gravy?

Yeah.

Oh, how do you make it?

Just shoot it out and mix it up.

What do you mean shoot it out?

It runs out of the meat.

And you mix it up with what?

I don't understand.

With beef base and meat juice, meat juices.

I was calling because I wanted to get some of the drippings.

Okay.

What are you looking for?

Maybe like a quart-sized container.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

And while we're waiting, I'd just like to let you guys know I'll be wrapping things up here pretty shortly.

I'm just knocking out some Lonesome Loser numbers here.

We're done with Baz numbers, Nunu numbers, Karaz numbers, Request a Prank numbers.

I think that's about it.

We had about two or three more from Lonesome, and then we'll call it a night.

Milkman has been disconnected for interrupting my prank call again to Saipan.

Three in a row.

He knows he has a rule.

I've told him many times, stop interjecting in prank calls.

Stop interrupting.

Stop interjecting in the prank calls, because then I have to get really mad.

But it's a good prank call, and it's him saying something stupid in the middle of it

that makes no fucking funny sense.

at all good evening this is Bernd how are you hey where are you from Austria oh man listen um

I have a question I'm trying to get I'm trying to get the drippings from the meat okay

and I was wondering how much I could get how much you would charge me or maybe you could just give

me some of the drippings I just need about two quarts of it the drippings we use it for the

au jus so I could only tell you the quarts of the au jus but can you separate before you put it in

No, we need to use a vital part.

I don't like au jus.

I just like drippings and fat.

Yeah, yeah, but part of the au jus.

I can't just sell you the drippings.

Well, you can sell me the au jus.

All right, but what about you sell me the au jus,

but before you make the au jus, you just keep the separate from the beef base?

Again, it won't have the au jus for the restaurant.

Wait a minute.

Why can't you just take two quarts of the drippings and give me that?

Then make less of the beef base.

No, no, I need it for the restaurant.

Well, what about the two quarts of au jus you sell me?

You're going to run out of that, too.

No, sir, enough.

You don't know math in Austria, I guess.

Listen.

Okay, don't worry about it.

I'm sorry we...

I'm sorry, no, please.

...will not be able to...

Please, no.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm so sorry about it.

No.

...will not be able to...

Please.

...enjoy your evening.

I'm sorry.

Thank you so very much.

Please.

Thank you very much.

Please help me.

I'm sorry.

I understand.

I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick, man.

Have a good one.

Let me suck your dick.

Can I speak to the Austrian guy, please?

Yeah, one second.

Bond, listen, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry I got upset about the au jus.

Simple story.

I can sell you the au jus, and that cannot sell you only part of it.

We have a repeat that we will follow.

Okay.

And that's it.

Yes or no.

Very simple.

How much for two quarts of au jus?

Two quarts of au jus, six.

That much?

How much au jus do you go through there?

You're asking for a quart of au jus, $7.

Well, wait a minute.

What do you serve the au jus with?

And how much is the beef meal?

Ranges between $5.45 to $39.85.

Is it all you can eat?

You take it home with you, you only get one.

Oh, man.

Listen, can I kiss you for the au jus?

Like, kiss you a little bit?

Can we, if I kiss you, you know, and you give me two quarts of au jus for a price of one,

then I kiss your private parts all over.

I shave you.

He's not into it.

I'm trying to come on and, you know, attract them to me.

It's a very nice offer, everybody.

Well, that's nice.

I still got it, guys.

I still got it.

And we'll be married.

Let's call Milkman back directly.

Yeah.

No, not yet.

No, I put you on time out for a little bit, but we're back.

We're wrapping it up.

I got a few more calls to do.

What happened?

Why'd you talk?

Why'd you talk in the middle of the call?

Talking in the middle of the call.

I'm doing a call, and you're like...

Yeah, I was something.

I was a comment to the caller.

He was responding.

Yeah, because you, man, you didn't know fucking Japanese and Japanese to get...

No, I don't know.

You talk over Japanese people, I know, but we'll be glad to talk to you.

Well, they must not be real Japanese people then, because real Japanese people don't share.

The next thing they do, they give you a sword.

They make you use a sword on yourself.

It happened to my friend.

You hang up on me again, I'm going to use a sword on your asshole.

On the air.

You dick, probably.

You're gay.

Don't talk over the pranks.

Just like that liquor store prank from a few years ago.

I mean, you did.

You kept talking over it.

It pissed me off.

I banned you for it.

Mochias Ribs and Pies.

Yeah, listen.

Is this the Pies?

Is this the Pies place?

Mochias Ribs and Pies.

Shut up.

This guy was down there.

He was talking over me and my friend Milkman.

man i don't know there's a guy over there i was trying to have a conversation and the guy was

talking over me all rude understand what you're saying i was talking with my mouth making words

you understand that you're talking about buddy you know how you talk to people with your mouth

yeah what about some asshole was down there talking over me louder than me and i couldn't

get my words out where over there in your stupid pie place was it you i don't know what you're

talking about man there's nobody being here talking about it we're the poor in the back

I'm going to slap you in the face.

Well, yeah, just come on down.

I'll show you what slap in the face.

Hey, do you have cream pie there?

Do I have a...

Cream pie.

No, we ain't got no goddamn free pies here.

No, cream pie.

Stupid.

Don't call here no more.

Stupid monkey.

I scared him off, Belkman.

I showed him good.

Taught him a lesson.

That's what's going to happen to you.

You keep talking over me, just so you know.

You're getting insulted by me.

This is the Sleeping Beauty Motel.

All right, let's do it.

Invalid phone number.

Cock!

alternatively

made out

zero

section

two

just a moment

no wait a minute

I got a better idea

hold on

cancel that

let's find a good

room number first

just a moment

morning

yes hello

I was looking for

room 112

who is this

you calling from where

I'm calling from the

front desk

you're calling from

the front desk

I'm calling the

front desk

where are you

calling from

room 112

yeah

we don't have

112

1, 2, 3 in the hotel.

What's your name?

You have 12?

Sorry?

There's a horse.

Huh?

There's a horse outside.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

Hello.

Sir.

Do you hear me?

Hello.

Yes.

Speak.

Hello.

God damn it.

You stupid asshole.

You didn't hear me.

Liar.

The moment.

Another one answer.

Good deal.

Great.

Another failed hotel call by Carlito.

What's that on these numbers, then?

Lonesome loser.

Don't you dare talk bad about him, milkman.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know because they're kind of not going nowhere.

I thought maybe they were like somebody else.

No, it's my fault.

Don't talk bad about Lonesome Loser because remember how you were saying you wanted to talk to Hawaii?

Guess what Lonesome Loser did for you.

He got me numbers in Hawaii.

Isn't that great?

Really?

Yeah.

See, who loves you?

Lonesome Loser.

That's right.

Lonesome Loser.

You were getting ready to rip his head off.

Thank you, Junko-ji.

This is Asian casino food.

Asian casino restaurant.

Uh-huh, and sports bar.

Restaurant dining.

Dining.

You want to talk into a sports bar?

Well, no, listen, do you make food there?

Yeah.

Okay, I want to make an order for rice, fried rice, house fried rice.

What kind of fried rice?

Yeah, and then when I eat it, it's going to go down into my belly.

What kind of fried rice? We have a lot of fried rice menu.

House fried rice.

I'm sorry?

House fried rice.

We don't have house fried rice. We have chicken, beef, shrimp, combo.

Shrimp.

Veggie, everything different.

Kimchi. Okay.

You want a kimchi fried rice?

Okay, what's your name?

That sounds good. Listen, how many pints is in it? How many quarts?

How many quarts?

Yeah.

Kimchi fried rice?

Two quarts kimchi fried rice. I'm going to eat it.

And then it's going to go through my belly and my esophagus.

You have a bathroom there?

Hello?

Excuse me?

After I eat the rice, it's going to make feces inside of me, and I'm going to have to use the bathroom.

Do you understand?

I cannot understand.

Do you know when you eat food, it becomes poop, caca inside of you?

One kimchi fried rice, you want to order it.

We end up serving to one person.

Yes.

Yeah.

But after I eat it, it's going to become feces.

Feces?

Oh, that is cannot.

You want to end up half and half, right?

No.

You know when you go to the bathroom?

Bathroom?

Yeah.

Feces.

Poo poo.

And?

When I eat the rice, it's going to become that.

Go to the bathroom afterwards, right?

Okay.

You want to order or not?

Yes.

How long after I eat the rice until I have to go to the bathroom and shit it out on my ass?

What's your name?

This is cross.

Cross?

Cross.

Phone number, please.

Yeah, let's see here.

808-459-9654.

9654?

5454?

Yeah.

Extension 44.

Uh-huh.

But listen, tell me, how long after I eat the food, the rice,

how long until it becomes feces and I have to use the bathroom to push it out?

I don't know.

How long do you eat the rice?

How long?

Oh, we can make it, and then just 15 minutes, you can pick it up.

Yeah, but after I eat the rice, when do I have to go to the bathroom?

That is everybody different, right?

That is how I know.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

How long for you?

Excuse me?

Do you use the bathroom every morning?

Excuse me?

You want to just order?

This is a business point, okay?

I know.

I want to make an order, but I need to know when I have to use the bathroom.

Yeah, but if you don't want kimchi fried rice, you want to order different, okay?

But I want to get the rice that doesn't, I have to use the bathroom very fast,

because I have to use the airplane.

I don't know. Everybody depends, right?

I know, but is there...

Yeah, everybody depends. That's why I cannot talk to you, make sure kind.

Okay.

Everybody different.

All right, but what about you? Like, which one would you eat?

No, I'm the Korean. That's why I'm in there every time.

Kimchi is so used. That's why I'm in there.

That is, and then I'm not sure.

I cannot talk. I cannot talk to you.

Maybe 12 hours after you eat rice, do you go to the bathroom later?

Excuse me? That is, and then I don't know.

You've got to talk to the doctor.

I don't know either. I don't know. Listen.

Yeah, that's why. Excuse me. This is a business telephone. Okay?

Listen. Help. Help me.

I ate pizza last week and I still haven't gone to the bathroom.

I don't know. You want to talk to somebody. I'm working right now.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. Just a moment.

You want to talk to somebody too?

Can I kiss you? Okay.

Okay. Hold on.

Bye.

Yes, I'm asking, how soon after I eat the Chinese fried rice until I have to go to the bathroom?

Excuse me, this is not Chinese.

Kimchi fried rice, Korean style?

Yeah, Korean kimchi fried rice.

We cannot tell you after you eat how long you want to go to the bathroom.

What kind of question is that?

Everybody different, yeah?

But kimchi is different, though, and you're Korean.

I thought maybe you know.

Yeah, kimchi is different, but, you know, like, everybody different, right?

It doesn't matter what you eat.

you can go right away some people you know you don't even go so you know you're not supposed to

ask him that kind of question that's ridiculous i don't think so this is you know right question

do you ask people i'm just i'm worried that it's going to take me a long time and i'm worried that

it's going to take me a long time to go to the bathroom after i ate the rice i don't want that

to happen okay yeah but this is the first time you know like a ridiculous question like this

and you want to order for the food,

how long after I ate, you go to the bathroom.

So if you're worried that much, just don't order then.

Listen, do you eat the rice there or no?

I eat the rice.

And how long does it take you?

Excuse me, I guess you're asking wrong question, you know?

You better not order food, okay?

Thank you very much.

Please, I'm sorry.

No.

I was cracking up that whole time.

it's a very bad question milkman how dare this is a very ridiculous question i'm asking

oh boy i forgot i was how long does it take how long does it take milkman you know that's a

farfetch so far it's a great oh my god the whole time he thought you were still the brother because

he was actually actually i was trying to get to the instant replay how long does it take

Milkman, you know, that's, I guess, too late.

I tried to get instant replay of Milkman and I messed it up.

Shit.

Oh, boy.

Should we try to call them back?

Why not, huh?

I think we can.

Yeah, all right, cool.

I mean, it was pretty friendly terms.

We left on good terms.

Yeah, pretty friendly terms.

We left on good terms.

Hi.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Yes, go ahead.

For the kimchi rice that I don't have to go to the bathroom until the next day.

Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

Excuse me.

You gotta call to any other place. Okay, not over here. Listen if I go to shit in the toilet

It better not be from the rice that is I cannot talking to you. Okay talking to me. I don't know. Excuse me

I don't know. I want to know. I don't know. Excuse me. Bye. I think you know, I

Yanked the microphone. I don't know

That's funny

Yeah, the way I got them the instant replay set up it doesn't give me enough time

I need a little more of a buffer there.

Shit, that sucks.

That's funny, though.

I don't know.

Let's try one more, Malcolm.

Let's call him one more time.

Why not?

Oh, my gosh.

I don't think what I'm asking is too crazy, you know?

Really?

No, but kimchi rice.

I never heard of a kimchi fried rice.

I love kimchi.

Kimchi tastes good.

That's Korean.

Oh, my God.

Kimchi rice is so good.

Sounds good.

Yeah, the kimchi fried rice.

Hello?

Oh, kimchi fried rice, please.

You want to take our kimchi fried rice?

Yeah, I'm ordering kimchi fried rice.

Okay.

What's your name?

This is Cross.

What?

Cross.

Do you have kimchi?

Can you spell, please?

C-R-O-S-S.

C-R?

O-S-S.

Phone number, please.

808.

Yeah.

405.

Okay.

9654.

9694.

Uh-huh.

Now, listen.

Do you have kimchi stew also?

We have kimchi stew.

Kimchi stew is good, too.

Okay.

Okay, now, if I eat the rice and the stew, the stew will make me go to the bathroom faster

because it's liquid and it's warm, right?

It'll make it soft.

What do you want?

Kimchi fried rice or kimchi stew?

Well, both of them because I think if I have the stew and the rice, then it'll be softer and it'll make me go to the bathroom sooner than having to wait a long time.

right? Okay. What? Okay, sir. If you want to order to in there, you come here in there. You

got to be order, please. Well, can I use the bathroom there? Over here? Yes. Yeah. Can I eat

in the bathroom? Anyway, if you want to order over here, you come here, you order, please. Will you

bring the food to the bathroom to me? Oh, cannot. I'm sorry. Listen, what if I eat the food and I

have to go to the bathroom? Excuse me. Excuse me. You got to go to the other restaurant, okay?

Hey, not over here.

Please, let me talk to the other person.

Just a minute.

Okay, thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, I was wanting to get the kimchi.

Thank you for the business, but you know what?

The stew.

Just don't call over here.

You worry that much.

This is ridiculous.

You order any food to order after how long after you're going to go to the bathroom.

So would you please don't call back?

Please, thank you.

What about the kimchi stew?

It's ridiculous.

How much is time for food to go to the bathroom?

So, would you please don't call back?

Please, thank you.

What about the kimchi stew?

I don't know why.

That one, that lady cracks me up.

I don't know why.

Just hearing the fact that she keeps saying it's ridiculous,

it makes me laugh each time.

She makes me laugh the most because she's so serious about it.

She's like, it's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous that you would ask this.

Can you rewind and play that little section there, dude?

Like, listen out for the answers.

She starts giving that snake head accent.

I don't know.

I'm very American for a minute.

I can't just start rewinding it, dude.

I can't.

I don't have that ability.

It's recording in the stream.

You're not going to talk about that snake head accent.

Yeah, I know.

The black cheek lay on you.

I don't know.

I know.

The Asian snake head.

You've been watching some TV, man.

Living colors.

Herbal Bacon mentioning her rants in Korean in the background are pretty good, too.

Yep, that's pretty good.

Yeah, dude, I've got to find a Korean restaurant up here where I live.

I doubt there is one.

It's a fucking piss-water town.

I've got to go hang out with Lonesome Loser where he lives over there.

There's got to be some good restaurants.

Go to a nightclub, get a horse.

Speaking of which, we've got the Four Plane Nightclub.

They're in Hawaii.

How far are you from Duquesne?

I've never heard of...

What's Duquesne?

What's that?

Are you from Fort Duquesne?

I don't know.

I've never heard of it.

Timber?

T-Berg

I don't know

Yawning

Okay

That's it for the

Yawning

That's it for the

Lonesome Loser numbers there

And um

Nunu says

We didn't call

Musa or DJ

Unbeatable

Yet

Uh

Because

Why didn't we call them

I don't know

Musa or DJ

Unbeatable

DJ Unbeatable

Here we go

Sell

I don't know

I'm tired dude

I'm sorry

Milkman are you there still

Did I lose you

No

Alright good

Milkman

Noonoo I'm sorry

I'm going to have to get to those

Numbers next time

Because it is

Late

It's 1.30 in the morning

I am sick

I'm getting worse by the minute

I need to get some rest

I'm going to go

Have some gin

Milkman take us out of here

Good night.

I'd like to thank you also.

My brother, we couldn't do it without you, man.

It is being honored.

Yes, thank you.

We're going to take our horse and find a farm.

No, man, don't forget that.

That's what they said we should do in Austria.

You know what made me laugh was the fact that the guy,

we did the Austria prank calls,

and then right after we called the primary place,

and the guy there is Austrian.

I'm like, where are you from?

He's like, Austria?

I was like, oh, boy.

You know what we forgot to ask you?

What?

The most important question of the week.

What does it do with the horse?

How big are your tits?

How big are your tits, baby?

That's right.

You got a big pair of tits, baby.

All right, everybody.

It was great.

Lonesome Loser, thanks again from me.

I know no man thank you, but I'm going to thank you, asshole.

Deal with it.

Nunu for numbers.

Kuras sent the numbers also.

Big Baz sent the numbers.

Byz Boss sent the numbers.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Goons.

I don't know who else sent it.

A lot of you sent the numbers tonight, and that's much appreciated, okay?

Thank you, guys.

I don't know what we're going to play here to get out

because the Funky Chimes isn't playing.

Oh, shit.

Anyway, this episode will be on the podcast here,

I would suspect, within the next few days.

Be sure to head over to madhouselive.com

and subscribe to that.

Be sure to listen to Cacti Radio all weekend.

I'm sure there'll be shows out the ass

with phone calls and people talking about telephones

and telephony and analog signals

and all that stuff, man.

And how the heck...

Hey, I have a question for you real quick.

Look, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead.

Yes, sir.

Hey, I heard it.

I'm sure there's a few of them, yeah.

Where did you hear it at?

Like, just, I don't know.

They were just onto an audio stream.

On Cacti Radio?

No.

No, no, no.

Nothing on this stream at all.

There's all another stream.

I was wondering.

I'm sure Brad Carter, RBCP probably has it.

He's interviewed that Captain Crunch guy.

I think he has.

A few of them have.

That might be one of the guys.

Probably.

That might be one of them.

I don't know.

There's a documentary.

He's made a shit in every.

Was it Kevin Mitnick?

I don't know.

Maybe it was Kevin Mitnick or something.

I don't know.

He was one of those early guys.

I would like to be the rest of it.

This is Cacti Radio is the place to ask, I'm sure.

If anyone knows, let me look in the chat real quick,

see if anybody's answering.

Hang on.

I wish I could.

Two men and four.

And then on, like, you know, with Cherry Hood,

they were each of these, like, twos and fours.

Double Bacon says,

an episode of RBCP started the podcast with a male with a red box tone.

Bage Boxing Baz says,

Phone Losers Radio, they say.

I don't know.

I would go on YouTube and look up blue boxing, red boxing.

Look up red box, blue boxing, and beige boxing.

I'm sure you'll find them.

But this is like they interviewed somebody, and he would just tell them his whole shit.

They weren't really, like, asking all the...

Baz says asking the PLA forums, and someone there should probably know.

But I would say I'll see what I can find.

I'll look around YouTube.

Maybe I'll find it.

Yeah, I'll just do it out.

Oh, not going to work for you.

Look at you.

Yeah, you know, that would be a lot of fun, man.

Wouldn't that be cool if you could still do the network?

It's all digital.

at all. You can't do it at all now, man.

Not in America.

Well, we're out of here. Thanks, Milkman. Thanks, everybody.

Have a good night. We'll catch you next week.

Thanks a lot, bro. Love you, man. Peace, everybody.

Peace.

Calls (30, 1 h 38 min of 3 h 10 min)

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