Throwing Things at Cats

You have a nice toilet?

Yeah, I do.

What's it made out of?

What about you?

What's it made out of?

It's made out of toilet material that everybody use.

I don't know, man.

Okay, is it comfortable?

I don't know what kind of toilet that I'm using.

Is it comfortable?

I don't know.

It's comfortable to me.

I don't appreciate it.

Well, maybe southern people.

Are you calling a place an order, or are you not?

Yes.

Okay, well, what is your card number?

Watermelons.

Your card number is watermelons?

Dude, didn't you just take a shit?

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You're my little fucker!

Hello, everybody. Good evening.

It's Carlito, the greatest pranker alive.

Yay!

Another round of applause for your old pal Carlito.

From the Skype connection, we also have

five-time domino champion

of the Virgin Islands, the Milkman.

Hello, Milkman.

Hello, Milkman. Milkman is not talking now.

Milkman wanted to talk

while the show was not ready.

talk over the intro have a conversation and now he doesn't want to talk now that the show has

started i'll have to hang up on him though to try to call him back the bad connection this is

madhouse radio however october the 20th i'm told while your party is being told it's october the

20th i don't know if it is or not how true that is i don't know but we're here doing our thing

milkman are you there now all right milkman we're on yeah milkman hold on hold on i'll be right back

God damn it.

No.

Oh.

That milkman's busy then.

Whatever, we don't need him anyway.

He's a big silly.

He's a big filly.

Your requests are appreciated.

Send those over on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger as always.

MSN Messenger, we take them as well.

We also take them on our website.

A whole bunch of different ways to send a request and no reason not to.

MadhouseLive.com is the website.

You can send your AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger request over to my screen named Madhouse Radio.

radio again aol yahoo instant messenger users madhouse radio is where to send that to if you

do happen to be using msn messenger that's madhouse at live.com there's a whole bunch of

different ways to get a hold of me uh twitter of course follow madhouse on twitter it's that easy

just madhouse no radio no live at the end of that i make that really easy and available for you

and madhouse live on facebook as well of course be sure to like my face face my like whatever it

it is that you call it milkman is on the phone but he's not talking he's busy i guess he's not

on the phone take that off there on the big board please forgive mr producer thank you all right i

hope you all have a great week have had a great week rather i have i've been having fun vision

continues to get a little better currently look currently looking for work doing that work thing

is good we got fun stories to talk about today mumar kaddafi dead he's not dead that's bullshit

You don't think he's dead?

Hey, Milkman, you're back.

No, dude, it's already confirmed.

Already confirmed, man.

He's been seen with Elvis, and he's been seen in Vegas, actually, dude.

Yeah, he's hanging out with Tupac.

That's right, Tupac is with us, you know, dude.

I was just getting ready to say that, man.

And Jim Henson, creator of the Muppets.

Jim Henson created the Muppets, Never Died, and Steve Jobs also.

All of them, fake their deaths.

Yeah, they got Islam, Aladdin is with him too, and you know what?

What?

Shazam, Obama, Clinton, he's with him too.

Yeah, we got a message here.

And how you slacking?

Oh, no, no, no, how you slacking? He's not with me.

What happened? I got a text here. I can't read that well yet.

Hang on, let me look. Give me a second, Milkman.

What have you been up to, Milkman?

Hey, buddy, I'm okay, man. What's going on, brother?

But how's your week been going?

I don't know.

Trying to find work, doing my thing.

Evil Artie says he'll be available to be on the air at 11.

Okay, good.

He didn't make it for 10.

He was trying to make it for 10, but he didn't make it.

Anyway, so, yeah, Dad, that guy, Muhammadir Gaddafi.

Ronald Reagan couldn't even kill him.

What's up with that?

Ronald Reagan tried to kill him.

Killed, like, his family and blew up his tent.

He didn't get him.

Gaddafi.

He tried to kill which one?

Gaddafi, Muammar Gaddafi, after the

disco tech, the

disco place in Germany got blown up

and the American Marines were there.

Recklood was there when it happened, he said.

He was a Marine. He was dancing.

He was disco dancing.

They were looking for Recklood and they got him mixed up.

They blew up the wrong Pan Am flight.

Yeah, I guess.

Anyway.

We got a lot of requests to pranks

here from Tabachi.

Tabachi has sent in requests to pranks.

Thank you, sir.

Brad the Carter has sent in

some requestesses also

we could do that

thank you guys

those are our friends

phone loser cacti radios

you know we played

tapster Gaddafi

we didn't play tapster Steve Jobs

seriously what's going on here

and what's going on with the world

I mean Steve Jobs and Gaddafi

it's like all the pioneers of the world

are dying all of a sudden man

Yeah, boozing everybody

I'm telling you

Anyway, so

I will be playing the prank call from last week, Milkman

A favorite of yours

How long does it take to take a shit after you eat the kimchi fried rice?

Remember that?

Oh my god, that was a crazy call, dude

I'm telling you

That lady was obsessed, she was totally obsessed

I was, I want to say what's up to everyone in the chatroom

A lot of people in the chatroom

What up?

I can't see very good, my eyes aren't working

Anyway, is Nunu in around?

Where's Nunu?

Nunu's on the chat room.

He's probably whining.

Check KBJ's site, man.

He might be over there.

He might be stuck over there, you think?

Is that his friend name?

He might have got bent over, and he hasn't made it back yet.

He's kind of cramped now.

I don't know.

Jill's in there, though.

I guess that's good enough.

We'll settle for Jill.

They want to mention all...

We love jelly beans, hell yeah.

I wanted to mention, speaking of British members of the Madhouse family,

I wanted to mention that your favorite one, Jim Stewart,

I was talking to him by email, and he says he still does prank calls.

He doesn't record them, but he does them with his nephew or his son-in-law

or I don't know, something like that.

He's got a son now, huh? He's got a son?

No, not a son. I take that back. I don't know where that came from.

him he's got some family kid cousin something like that and they're doing prank calls together and

uh they have fun but they don't record him but he says he's still in practice and uh i didn't get a

chance to extend them an invitation but i didn't mean to but i i do mean to extend an invitation

mabel uh he says he has a little more it seems like he might have a little more time on his

hands now so i am gonna go ahead and see if i can convince him to uh join us here sometime soon

you know that'd be kind of cool oh that's excellent yeah um yeah you know yeah i did

pick up a new uh i did see a new infomercial over the weekend three o'clock in the morning

i saw an infomercial for the heat wave oven the new heat wave new wave heat oven new heat wave

i forgot what it's called it's all the light wave light wave no not the light way what did

i say it was milkman the new heat wave wave heat i'm gonna say light i thought it was light wave

It's underneath of a black thing with a blaze of hot air on it.

No.

You're talking about the oven that the little girls use with the light bulb?

No, that's not what I was talking about.

That's what you use to make your breakfast in the morning.

No, I'm talking about the Betty Crocker.

Remember it was called the Easy Bake?

No.

Is it Easy Bake Oven?

Is that the one for little girls and stuff?

Yeah, I guess they're not putting the bulb in them no more.

So what do you do?

They're not making them anymore.

They're trying to put some kind of eating element and shit, and they're not making them anymore.

Oh, that sucks.

They're trying to get away with an incandescent light bulb.

A 100-watt light bulb is what it works on.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you imagine you were actually able to cook with a 100-watt light bulb?

Imagine that.

Yeah, dude, I wanted to mention the light here that shines on me during the show.

The lamp that's on the desk.

That was the last incandescent light bulb that I had with me where I live in my home.

and uh it went out yesterday it went like i was in the middle of playing my online uh star trek

game star trek online i'm not afraid of shame it went out it just exploded i'm like what the hell

so i went to the you know what dude it's how like you hit a space time temple fissure there

it was fine i was in the middle of killing some cardassian bastards you know but um i think that

you've got a temple fissure though and that's what caused it to blow the bulb whatever listen

and it was hot it was a 60 watt light bulb and this thing i remember like whenever if i went to

turn it off after it was on for a few hours it was hot to the touch you had to be careful when

you turn the light off um and now i got the fluorescent light bulb in there and uh it doesn't

get hot at all to the touch it's been on all day and it hasn't gotten hot to the touch it's a

beautiful thing it's not hot you know well i have been playing star trek online again um it's

It's dangerous because I got banned the last time I was playing

because I was making up racist words for Romulans and Klingons

and saying it in the chat room.

I was skirting the edge of being inappropriate.

I didn't think I was being inappropriate,

but I was calling Klingons something that probably wasn't very nice.

I won't repeat it on the show.

That's all right.

Call it.

No, I don't want to.

Maybe later I will.

Maybe get enough drinks in me tonight.

Maybe I will.

All right.

I'll call everybody.

he called the cling on the bag cling bags all right go ahead they gave me a 24 hour time out

and i said ah screw you then and i um canceled my account but i got back in there now um yeah

thank you then he came back is a cling on named katie terry listen guys we need to do some prank

calls here let me get ready um but before that i do want to play that prank call from last week

really quick um if i can remember the name of it what did i call it i uploaded it to the steam jet

steam jet that's not what i called the prank call that we did last week milkman oh i don't know what

you called i just know he was called the wanker steam jet company the wanker steam jet yeah yeah

they want to tell us a steam jet i don't know you're making up a lot of stuff you're starting

okay calm down how long until i can't read it how long until i use the bathroom there we go

how long until i use the bathroom that's what it's called how long until let me see that's

That's enough search terms.

Here we go.

We found it.

How long until I use the bathroom?

Here we go, everybody.

Listen to this from last week.

It is a funny prank call.

I give it four out of five stars.

We'll be right back and do some live prank calls.

Yay.

Yeah.

Listen, tell me how long after I eat the food, the rice, how long until it becomes

feces and I have to use the bathroom to push it out?

I don't know.

How long do you eat the rice?

How long?

We can make it and in just 15 minutes you can pick it up.

Yeah, but after I eat the rice, when do I have to go to the bathroom?

That is everybody different, right?

That is how I know.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

How long for you?

Excuse me?

Do you use the bathroom every morning?

Excuse me?

You want to just order?

This is a business phone, okay?

I know.

I want to make an order, but I need to know when I have to use the bathroom.

Yeah, but if you don't want kimchi fried rice, you want to order different, okay?

But I want to get the rice that doesn't...

I have to use the bathroom very fast because I have to use the airplane.

I don't know.

Everybody depends, right?

I know, but is there...

Yeah, everybody depends.

That's why I cannot talk to you make sure kind everybody different all right, but what about you like which one would you eat?

So I'm the Korean that's why I'm is every time is in kimchi. So used to that's why engine there is and then I'm not sure

I cannot talk. I cannot talk to you. Maybe 12 hours after you eat rice. Do you go to the bathroom later?

Excuse me that is and then I don't know you gotta talking to doctor. I don't know either. I don't know listen

Yeah, that's why. Excuse me, this is a business telephone, okay?

Listen, help. Help me.

I ate pizza last week, and I still haven't gone to the bathroom.

I don't know. You want to talk to somebody? I'm working right now.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. Just a moment.

You want to talk to somebody, too?

Can I kiss you? Okay.

Okay, hold it.

Bye.

Hi.

Hello.

Yes, I'm asking, how soon after I eat the Chinese fried rice until I have to go to the bathroom?

Excuse me, this is on a Chinese, kimchi fried rice, Korean style.

Yeah, Korean kimchi fried rice.

We cannot tell you after you eat how long you want to go to the bathroom.

What kind of question is that?

Everybody different, yeah?

But kimchi is different, though, and you're Korean.

I thought maybe you knew.

Yeah, kimchi is different, but, you know, like, everybody different, right?

It doesn't matter what you eat.

You can go right away.

Some people, you know, you don't even go.

So, you know, you're not supposed to ask him that kind of question.

That would be ridiculous.

I don't think that's the right question that you're asking for.

I'm just, I'm worried that it's going to take me a long time.

Pardon me?

I'm worried that it's going to take me a long time to go to the bathroom after I ate the rice.

I don't want that to happen, okay?

Yeah, but this is the first time, you know, like a ridiculous question like this.

And you want to order for the food.

This is how long after I ate, you go to the bathroom.

So if you worry that much, just don't order them.

Listen, do you eat the rice there or no?

I eat the rice.

And how long does it take you?

Excuse me, I guess you're asking wrong question, you know?

You better not order food, okay?

Thank you very much.

Please, I'm sorry.

No.

I was cracking up that whole time.

Very bad question, Roklan.

This is a very ridiculous question I'm asking.

how long does it take

should we try to call them back

yeah I think we can

let's try a different

let's try a different angle

we left on good terms

milkman you do know

you do know that's not me talking

this is a recording right

I'm talking to you

in the recording milkman that wasn't me

that was tape you were talking to the

tape milkman you were talking

You were talking to the tape, yep, just now.

I know, I'm talking to the tape right now.

Put my reader back on.

Oh, jeez.

Never mind.

If I can hit play again, we'll continue.

Second half of the prank.

Yeah, pretty friendly turn.

That's funny milkman.

Hi, hi.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Yes, go ahead.

For the kimchi rice that I don't have to go to the bathroom until the next day.

Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

Excuse me.

You got a call to another place, okay?

Not over here.

Listen, if I go to shit in the toilet, it better not be from the rice.

I cannot talking to you, okay?

Talking to me.

I don't know.

Excuse me, I don't know.

I want to know.

I don't know.

Excuse me, bye.

I think you know.

No, but kimchi rice, I never heard of a kimchi fried rice.

It is so good, Alexa.

I love kimchi.

Kimchi tastes good.

It's Korean.

Oh, my God, kimchi rice is so good.

It sounds good.

Yeah, the kimchi fried rice.

Hello?

Kimchi fried rice, please.

You want to take out kimchi fried rice?

Yeah, I'm ordering kimchi fried rice.

Okay.

What's your name?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Cross.

Now listen, do you have kimchi stew also?

We have kimchi stew.

Kimchi stew is good, too.

Okay.

Okay, now if I eat the rice and the stew,

the stew will make me go to the bathroom faster

because it's liquid and it's warm, right?

It'll make it soft.

What do you want?

Kimchi fried rice or kimchi stew?

well both of them because i think if i have the stew and the rice then it'll be softer and it'll

make the me go to the bathroom sooner than having to wait a long time right okay okay sir if you

want to order to end it you come here and then you gotta be order please well can i use the

bathroom there over here yeah yeah can i eat in the bathroom anyway if you want to order over here

You come here, you order, please.

Will you bring the food to the bathroom to me?

Oh, cannot.

I'm sorry.

Listen, what if I eat the food and I have to go to the bathroom?

Excuse me.

You got to call today in the other restaurant, okay?

Not over here.

Please.

Let me talk to the other person.

Just a minute.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, I was wanting to get the...

Thank you for the business, but you know what?

The stew.

I just don't call over here.

You worry that much.

This is ridiculous.

Ridiculously, you order any food to order after how long after you're going to go to the bathroom.

So, would you please don't call back, please?

Thank you.

What about the kimchi stew?

The fact that she keeps saying it's ridiculous.

Anyway, you hear how sick I was last weekend.

I'm still not 100% over it, but I am feeling much better.

Still a little nasally, but yeah.

That is one thing that happened last weekend, man.

I got sick as a dog.

As a dog.

Why do people say sick as a dog?

Are dogs prone to being sick, Milkman?

You would know.

You're a dog lover, literally.

Dog lover.

I guess so, because like with a dog, it's...

Fucking dog.

If I had a dog that was sick, you know, take him to the vet, say, I can't deal with him anymore.

Sorry, he's...

Nope.

Boom, down.

We're calling a new wave oven.

Hmm?

New wave oven, Milkman.

The service you requested is not available in the calling area.

S-B-R-I-N-E-A.

All the same, hey, hey, yeah.

Are you going to call back the L.A. Steamer Company again about the mini pocket steamer?

The Steam Shark, you mean?

From a few weeks ago?

Yeah, yeah, the L.A. Steamer Company.

That was a long time ago, Milkman.

You want to call the Steam Shark?

Yeah, we could do that.

Why? What's up?

What happened?

You want one?

Well, we could find out and see if they could sell us the L.A. Steamer model

or the Cleveland Steamer model.

The Cleveland Steamer model, yeah.

You said that before, and he didn't understand.

He kept saying, it's important to know.

He said something like that.

Milkman is in return.

Hello?

All right, good.

these calls are recorded is it okay uh you're recording the call if that's okay with you sir

that's okay sure buddy all right you calling to place an order uh well yeah i mean is this about

the new wave oven yes sir all right it's you're watching one of our tv promotions i just saw i

was yeah well i was flipping i i got the uh 24 hour i got the 24 hour subscription on the tv

to the spice channel and then it was over and i flipped over a few channels and then i saw it on

okay well what's your first name sir this is cross your first name is cross yes okay your last name

john's all right what zip code you calling from cross 32808 okay and i'm sure you saw on the tv

there where you're you're uh we're paying one of the payments today so it's just three payments

$39.99 plus the shipping of $29.95 okay and if you'd like we do have a couple extra goodies that

we throw in for free. You just have to pay the extra

shipping. Our baking kit's

$19.95. Twister and

party mixer is $29.95, and

then the pizza kit's $29.95. Now, what's

the party mixer do? Is that the one that lets

me make party mix, and it makes the margaritas

inside of it? It's great.

Well, it's definitely great for mixed drinks, you bet.

Yeah, I mean, it's like a blender, sir. That's the party

mixer, and then the smaller one is the twister.

The twister is like a food

processor slash blender. So, then this

goes inside the new Wave oven? I

wouldn't put them in the oven. I mean, maybe for

For storage, you could put the little one in there.

Well, no.

They said that these were add-ons, but I was confused.

So it's a blender that often becomes a big blender, basically.

So it is like the blades go inside the container.

I guess you could kind of make any concoction there that you'd like, sir.

So how does it work?

Would you like to add those three items?

Well, if you can explain what the, I mean, I'm interested if I knew what it was.

It's pretty cut and dry, sir.

Do you know what a blender is?

A what?

A blender.

Do you know what a blender is?

You just said to make mixed drinks and stuff, so you have a pretty good idea there.

So that's what you're looking at.

No, I use an ice pick.

For what?

For mixed drinks, or I buy them.

You buy an ice pick.

I'm sorry, what do you buy an ice pick for?

You smash the ice with the ice pick, and then you mix the alcohol with it.

Or then sometimes I go to 7-Eleven and they have mixed drinks there already, and you just add alcohol.

Oh, I got you.

Okay, okay.

Well, whatever you'd like to do, sir.

But the oven is the oven and the Twister and Party Mixer are the Twister and Party Mixer.

Then why are we mixing the twister and mixture, you know?

We need a mixer.

We need an oven, not a twister and mixer.

You're confusing yourself, Cross.

You're confusing yourself.

I am.

That's why I need help.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, it's pretty cut and dry.

There are two separate appliances there.

So you connect them together?

I don't...

Do they have the same...

You put the one on top of the other?

Is that how you use the mixer?

Sure.

There you go.

One on top of the other.

You got it.

Is that how it's supposed to work?

Why are you being so dismissive?

You got it.

You're being dismissive.

No, that's how it's going to work.

across that's exactly how it's going to work and if you want once you get the instructional manual

if you want to go by some of those guidelines you can as well but you can use it any way you'd like

why are you being so nasty i don't understand do you get commission points or no no nastiness no

nastiness whatsoever they're across are you affiliated with the steam shark people affiliated

with who steam sharks steam shark i'm not sure what you're talking about steam shark pocket

shark machine your shark that's in the water sir no it's a machine called the steam i sell the

The New Wave Oven?

Yeah, and then you're affiliated with the Steam Sharks.

I don't know what a Pocket Shark is.

The Pocket Mop, Steam Shark, Pocket Mop.

No idea.

Don't lie to me, boy.

I understand what's going on here.

They talked to you about me, didn't they?

Do you have any idea what you're calling for today?

You just have nothing better to do today?

The New Wave Oven.

The New Wave Oven, but you're being very dismissive like the man at the Steam Pocket Mop.

I feel bad for you, sir, but you have a great day.

Please.

Oh, man.

Why is he so nasty, Milkman?

What's that about?

I'm going to be a dick.

Yeah, boy.

What is she?

When you call back here, you can see what it is.

They need to do as long as they can to get more here.

Whatever.

They're sitting there in the prison taking the calls.

You see how quick he tried to move you to the close?

Okay.

Yeah, he's throwing everything for you down the aisle yourself.

It's ringing.

Welcome, and thanks for calling.

All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.

A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.

I saw that TV show Oz.

I saw how it works.

They're all in prison.

Are you calling the dominatrix back?

No, no, I'm not calling the dominatrix back.

I'm sorry.

All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.

A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.

You still got that dominatrix call?

Yeah, I'll find it.

All right, bye.

Yeah, you have to play it.

Sorry.

All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.

I'll have to call them later.

Apparently Brad is, RBCP is reporting here, breaking news.

The Steam Shark people have decided to institute a ban on blocked numbers coming in thanks to the efforts of the phone losers and us recently as well.

Apparently they had so much issues with prank calls coming in that they no longer accept the blocked calls.

I don't think our number comes up as blocked.

I think ours still goes through as a number, I think.

I think.

Milkman, do you see a number when I call you?

Does it say an actual number or does it have like 1-1-2-2-2-3-4?

It's a number.

It is a number?

It usually comes up a number.

Sometimes it does.

Usually it does?

I could try it.

Mm-hmm.

I got to find it.

Hang on.

Yeah, because every time it comes up, it shows your name, so it's the same number.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Cool.

I don't know if that was still working like that or not.

I thought that subscription had run out, the one that I had that did that.

Why do I not have it saved here?

Steam Shark.

I'm typing in Steam in my contacts, and it's like, oops.

I don't know what I did there.

Hang on.

Let me try again.

Milkman, what is it you want?

The dominatrix call?

We can play that. I'll find it. I'll play it a little later.

Just a moment, folks.

Yeah, that was one tough bitch, man.

I don't know.

A lot of these people don't remember, but she was a tough bitch.

If I remember correctly, we had two calls to a dominatrix.

We had one...

Somebody gave us a gift card to a dominatrix.

It was Andy.

It was busy.

It might be blocked.

Sometimes it did come up as busy, though.

It's probably into here.

Yeah, it looks like they did set that up.

We can't call them.

They figured they got it.

They're on to us.

They figured us out.

Can't call them from Skype anymore, apparently.

Did you just call me man baby?

He's talking about the girl's pussy in this song, you know that?

Damn.

He wants to stand next to her pussy.

Her pussy.

Her vagina?

That's what it is.

Very good enough, man.

I didn't know you knew about that vagina pussy.

What is it?

People talk about it.

What is it?

Calling to order the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Map.

My name is Kathy.

To pull up this special offer, may I have your zip code or postal code, please?

It is 32808.

3-2-8-0-8?

Yes.

Thank you.

You have a very clear voice.

For quality purposes, this call may be recorded.

I have a very nice voice.

Well, I've had a lot of callers that I think they were using their speaker,

and they're very far away or muffled.

It's kind of nice to have a voice that I can clearly understand.

Oh, I like your voice, too.

It's nice.

May I have your name?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Yes.

C-R-O-S-S?

Yes.

Is that your first name?

That is my first night.

Okay, cross.

Today you're calling for the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop?

Mm-hmm.

And what was it about it that led you to call in?

Well, I had found out that people that use this had lost 10 inches within two months, apparently.

Some people had, their cholesterol had dropped down five points, one lady said,

that it reduced the fat on the commercial they were explaining.

so in turn it doesn't sound like i i have a hard time believing that a steam mop could do that for

you i thought so too but the lady on the tv was swearing up and down that she lost 10 inches off

of her waist you know after the last caller who i spent 10 minutes and could not find the answer

she was asking me you're kind of a refreshing change uh what was her question about how many

How many ounces were in the tube she was ordering?

Oh, really?

Yeah, and I looked everywhere.

I'm on the information sheet right now, and it does not say how many ounces.

Does it have how many inches in there?

It doesn't say about the inches either.

Okay.

Can you find that about the ounces for me?

Don't push me.

All right.

Did you wish to order the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop today?

What was your name again?

I was going to tell you that if you don't wish to order it, it's a really bad mistake because it's a great item.

Oh, yeah?

That sounds good.

Yeah.

What was your name again?

Well, I'm pretty sure it's still Kathy.

Kathy with a K or a C?

K.

Oh, that's hot.

That's how I like to spell Kathy.

That's a nice way to spell it.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to let you go before I stop laughing, okay?

No, don't let me go.

No, because if I stop laughing, then I'll probably throw up in your ear or something, okay?

That's very nasty.

Dusty, why would you say something like that?

Have a good night.

Would you clean for me, please?

Frank.

I found a way.

She was...

Oh, that was awesome, dude.

She was a cute little thing.

You heard her?

She was like, ooh.

Yeah.

I like your voice.

Like, oh, I have a clear voice, baby.

I like you, daddy, yeah.

Google Voice seems to work still, so...

There you go, guys.

Use your Google Voice account so you can get through still.

Yay!

We found a way.

Your old pal Carlito found a way.

That's too funny.

There you go, Pimp Daddy.

I thought she was into me, and she said she was going to throw up in my ear.

That's not nice.

You said she was going to burp in your ear or cum in your ear?

I couldn't make out.

Throw up in my ear.

She said she was going to cum in your ear?

I guess.

Yeah.

The way she sounded burped might have been better.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

That sounds good, man.

Well, we're not going to play the same song over and over again, though, okay?

Anyway, give me a second.

Let me read what people are saying.

All right.

All right, someone is, I think that's RBCP saying he's got a number for a company, a

nominee for a comper, a number for a company that's spamming his Facebook, wanting to light

up his house for Christmas.

Nice.

All right, we can do that.

Let me check the chat room, see if there are any requests there.

All right, nothing there yet.

Let's see what's up to everyone in the chat room.

Kokanee, MSC3, Clay, Nunu finally made it.

There he is.

All right, cool.

RBCP, of course.

Hey, MSC3, what's up?

Yeah.

Big Tuck.

Big Tuck is in there

new Hi Buddies episode

got uploaded today

be sure to check that out

who else

Dick Cycle

huh

what

Dick Cycle

I don't know

who else is in there

but I know

Bize's boss is in there

that's me

man

that's awesome

Car Wash

yeah

Car Wash

woo

Dark Stranger

alright hey

what's happening

Dark Stranger

Dark Stranger's a woman

with tits in Canada

DC Loke

I haven't seen DC Loke

in a long time

around

round that's cool dragon dragon flee all right jill with three l's corrupt corruption is in the

house what's up good friend of ours caraz in austria i think or likes austria sporty boards

in there what's up to bachi big to bachi uh the n it was someone who just sits there all the time

i don't know if that's even a listener big venison big venison or good friend venison

Listen, I worked from Technofrag Radio back in the day, and Waste is their host.

Dick Masterson, what's up, man?

Okay, Bill, what is your deal tonight, Milkman?

Now you're just throwing out weird names.

Dick Masterson, Carlito, Bill Cross, Bill Bobby Bob Bob, Johnny John Jones.

No, dude, it's Bill Cross.

Fred Dong.

Say Fred Dong.

Carlito, say Fred Dong.

All right, listen, come on.

Get back on track here, Milkman.

Dragon Fly Flea.

Sent the number twice.

I thought you'd like it, Milkman.

I knew you'd like it.

That's why I'm playing it, because I knew you'd like it, asshole.

Okay?

All right, I'm down, bro.

All right, good.

Asshole.

Seriously, I thought you'd like it.

It's, uh...

Yeah, man, of course, man.

You're my bro, man.

You can have that.

You know, I got this, um...

I've got this...

I've got this thing in Google Chrome.

I wasn't expecting it.

I don't know why.

All of a sudden, Google Chrome, my options got reset to default for some reason.

And I guess at some point I had installed a Skype widget thing for Google Chrome.

And if a phone number appears in the browser, it lets you click it, and it'll dial it for you.

It'll send it right to Skype, but it doesn't let me conference them.

So if I were to do it, it would be bad, let's just say, because it would actually disable Milkman here, and he wouldn't be on the line.

Not that everyone's really complaining.

No, no, no, that's a bad idea, dude.

You need to change the settings.

Well, I just did.

I disabled it, okay, you old fool?

you old shit

you old fool

that's weird

maybe I gotta refresh the page now

I guess it would make sense

if it had been there before

now it's gone

you're driving me nuts tonight

I don't know what it is with you

something about you

you're like evil already tonight

I need to shut up

tranquilo

Tranquilo.

You know what tranquilo means?

You know what tranquilo means, Milkman?

You know that word?

Tranquilo.

Tranquil.

Calm down.

You're driving your buddy nuts.

I'm going to start choking my balls off.

It's like I have you already in my mind.

God, now you're just going to curse.

Milkman, do you miss the Virgin Islands ever?

Okay.

Never mind.

Let's just not talk to Milkman because I'll ask him questions and he'll just go, oh.

All right.

I asked you if you miss the Virgin Islands ever and you say, ha.

What's that?

Oh, you said, do I know a Virgin Island or something like that?

I wasn't sure.

Nope.

Okay, yes, I miss them.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I miss them bad, man.

Oh, man, you know, it's all the time I think about it.

You know what?

It's a beautiful place, man.

It's something that once I went there, it changed, you know, changed me.

So warm, it's silent, man.

It's like, you know, if you're actually there and you see how beautiful it is

and clean the water, the shade just going outside.

All right.

Thank you.

You know, you can go out of your house and go to some beautiful man.

Go and just see him.

Oh, please leave a message to the tone.

No answer that number.

That was a request to prank.

It was supposed to be a 24-hour duty-free store.

Duty-free store in New York.

Dude, do that or do me.

Well, no duty there.

It's duty-free, and apparently they don't even answer the phone,

so that doesn't help.

Prank call idea being sent in here by somebody,

a shitty driver named Milkman lives in Charleston

in a relationship with Tom and Michelle.

All right.

doesn't know what call she goes to

and gives us the phone number

call her and tell her I saw her

at the Citadel Mall

around 6

and want to go out

I don't care she has a boyfriend

also there was recently

a double murder down the street

her best friend is Sarah

on Facebook that only posts

like stupid quotes

or if you have any other ideas

um I'm sorry

You want me to talk about the double murder, sir?

Michelle, a shitty driver in South Carolina.

Uh-huh, okay.

The double murder?

He just wanted to throw in there was a double murder.

Okay, yeah.

No, I'm going to mention the double murder.

I think that's a good idea.

Oh, okay, all right.

There's nothing in here.

There's no criminal.

All right, all right, continue.

Can I pull a KDK?

Just complaining.

I want to go end the show, play my game.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is this Big Michelle?

Is it who?

It's this big Michelle.

Oh, I'm Michelle.

Yeah, hey, Sarah was talking to me.

She said that you were over at the Citadel Mall earlier.

Mm-hmm.

All right, and I had seen you before, and Sarah was like, oh, yeah, that's Michelle.

I knew who that is.

She said she's a friend of yours or something.

I don't know how.

Yeah.

Are you guys tight or something?

Yeah, we're best friends.

Oh, that's cool.

Well, I'm Cross.

Who?

I'm Cross.

My name's Cross.

Oh, cool.

Cool.

Do you like ice cream?

Yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I was, you know, do you know they have ice cream in the mall?

Mm-hmm.

You maybe want to go get ice cream?

I don't know.

When's the, are you busy tomorrow?

Yeah.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I'm hanging out with Sarah.

With Sarah?

Yeah.

Well, Sarah said we can all hang out together, and we'll go to the mall, and we'll eat ice cream.

And I, do you like ice cream out of the cone or into the cup?

I don't know.

Will you eat it out of the cone?

I don't know.

Well, you know, I'd like to watch you eat ice cream.

That's creepy.

No, it's cool.

This is, you know, it's a good, you know, first time hanging out.

Eat ice cream.

Please.

Say yes, please.

I don't know.

Oh, well, do you like jewelry?

Yep.

Maybe I get you some jewelry if you eat ice cream in the mall.

I'm good.

Oh, come on.

Do you like perfume?

Yes.

I get you perfume, and I get you jewelry, and then we get ice cream, and I watch you

eat ice cream.

No, I don't want ice cream.

Can I watch you put on the jewelry?

No.

Oh.

What will it take for you to eat ice cream for me?

I don't want to eat ice cream.

Well, you said you like the ice cream.

Yeah, but I don't.

You don't like ice cream now?

Not right now, no.

But tomorrow you will.

No.

Do you know turkey legs?

Yeah, I don't eat those.

What about chicken?

Do you like chicken?

Yes.

Like the chicken legs, would you maybe eat that with your hands and let me watch you?

No.

no would you eat pretend it's an ice cream cone and just lick it no i'm not into boys i'm i'm

into eating well is there anything you'll do for me for jewelry and perfume no what about just get

well maybe we could just eat ice cream it won't be creepy i promise okay well sarah says she wants

you to eat ice cream i'm talking to sarah right now well yeah she told me to give you a call

can you put on the line yeah okay is this sarah hey it's cross man that michelle bitch was

on the other line. She's totally bringing me

down, dude. Who's cross?

It's me. We were talking. You said you wanted me

to give Michelle a call that she'd eat ice cream with us.

I'm going to watch her eat ice cream.

Michelle, the girl at the mall?

At the Citadel mall?

What about her? Well, we wanted

to watch her eat ice cream. That's really

weird. I don't even know what

you're talking about. You know

ice cream? You take ice

and you add cream? I know how

to make ice cream.

You like to eat ice cream.

That's weird.

Out of the cone, dude.

That's weird.

It's like, oh, let me watch you drink a drink.

No, that's stupid.

That's just silly.

I was just saying, eat ice cream or maybe like a chicken leg.

Why would you want...

That's weird.

Because you know, it's like you put it in your mouth a little bit.

Sorry, I'm not into boys.

That's nasty.

You know boys have cooties, totally.

All right, okay, listen here, Cross, or whatever your real name is.

I'm just kidding.

I'm so straight.

You know, you want to know my real...

I don't even know who you are.

You want to know who I really am?

Give me my number, sir.

My name is El Guapo.

Who?

El Guapo.

El Guapo?

Yes.

I have a funny name.

Okay.

Oh, you actually believe that?

No.

That's my name.

Oh, Sarah.

One of the people that...

Blah, blah, blah.

God, enough.

It was funny for a while, but then I said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, fucking women.

Can't stand them.

Let's call Annie Beckham.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's how it is.

A bunch of teenage girls.

Andy, please leave a message.

That's Andy, your friend, Milkman.

No, that's Andy.

Andy Beckham.

He didn't answer.

And the movie guy, the movie Jew, who I just found out made the movie Rat Race.

And I wanted to complain to him if he would have answered the fact that he stole that idea from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

And that's bullshit.

If you ask me.

Hell yeah.

That's a song right there.

You got a kickin' right there, now that one there's got some...

Shut up.

Yeah, man, I'm tellin' ya.

Let's just shut up.

Artie's callin', alright.

Yes.

Hey, Artie.

Okay, you took your Zoloft, you wanna come in the air.

Sounds good, alright, cool.

Okay.

That's good.

Well, that's good, too.

Alright, now...

Are you on it?

Yeah, shut up, I'll call ya, bye.

Let's call Artie.

Yeah.

What do you wanna know, you wanna watch him eat ice cream?

Oh, it sounds like he's far away.

He was on his cell phone, though, man, and I put the phone up to the microphone.

Oh, that's what I was gonna say.

those girls are calling back right now oh my god who are you i gotta use my bifocals i'm still

learning to use bifocals it's not easy to use bifocals you know i never had to use glasses

up until now and the bifocals you gotta aim it right it sucks yeah dude do you wear glasses at

all milkman or do you have good visions i get one eye that's good is that why they took your

license away but you still drive a taxi i'm like blind too all right here comes another annoying

Hey, Big Carlito.

Alright, Artie. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. Who else is on?

Milkman is here. What's up, Milky?

What's up, man?

I'm just chilling. Wow.

I'm coming in. I had one of those long-ass

conversations with my brother

I couldn't get out of. Yeah? Okay.

It was good, though. It wasn't like that.

Yeah? Hey, Artie, who's

playing tonight? Is there a Thursday night football

game tonight? My brother turned it

on, but I cannot put a life on me and remember

remember who it was. I didn't check my fantasy

football league. I don't know

who, if I have anybody. We're playing.

We are, me and you? Yeah.

Oh, hang on. Let me go in there real quick. I want to make

sure I have anybody who should be benched.

Oh, shit. Yeah, you have three

players on by. No, I don't.

Manning, Nix, and

McCoy. Ah, fuck. Really?

Yeah, but you're projected, if

you just switch out the players, you should

beat me. Oh, good. Alright,

cool. But I got them.

You got the sleepers. I got them sleepers.

Let's see what's going on here.

anybody who's playing today who's like

injured or something. I didn't even think to look at that.

It's not a Thursday night game, but it's just a college

game. No, there's always a Thursday. I thought, isn't

there always a Thursday night game? No,

it's November 10th. Oh, okay.

Alright, hang on. Let me look here.

I got a shark down some fucking chicken nachos.

Alright, so Eli Manning,

LaShawn McCoy, and Hakeem Nix. Okay.

Yeah, alright. So Giants are on buy

and the Eagles are on, I gotta buy a week this

week also. I gotta make some

changes, I see. Alright.

Yeah, I also still have a player who I haven't

switched out yet. I got a quarterback I want to

pick up. I'm not going to tell you because you're not going to take him from me.

I know which one.

Well, I'm not going to tell you. Who?

Roethlisberger, right? Yeah, Roethlisberger.

Sure. Okay.

I heard that Donovan

McNabb is getting benched.

I heard that. Did you hear about that?

Yeah, that's awesome.

You know who else is getting benched?

Oh, shit.

What's his face? 49ers quarterback?

No, then I'm wrong.

No, the other team. The Chiefs quarterback?

Who's the other quarterback that's getting benched?

Castle?

No, no.

I forget who the other is.

There's another quarterback I heard is getting fucking put on the bench also this week.

There was one who got traded.

No, no, not traded.

It wasn't a trade.

I don't know.

Whatever.

It was Carson Palmer got traded to the Raiders.

Yeah, no.

There was someone else.

Some other quarterback is getting benched.

Someone else is being given up on after a loss last week.

Who lost last week?

I don't think.

16.

Well, there's a lot of teams that lost last week.

Half of them, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Really?

I think.

Redskins.

Who's the Redskins quarterback?

Who's that?

Oh, yeah.

Rex Grossman.

That's what it was.

Yeah.

I was thinking the color.

I had the color in my head.

Red.

I heard it in passing yesterday.

Yeah.

Rex Grossman is going to be benched also.

Yeah, I heard that.

Yep.

Anyway.

Yeah, I got some adjustments to make to my team this week here.

Anyway, hey, come on.

Let's do some more pranks.

Is Lonesome in there yet?

I don't think he is.

Let me check.

I haven't actually talked to Lonesome yet tonight.

You haven't?

Oh, my God.

It's been a bit of a busy night.

Ken saying, Matt Stafford fucking rules, go Lions.

Lions are having an impressive season.

I'm quite surprised.

Even had a nice old-fashioned coach fight.

Yeah, I think it would have gone undefeated

until they chased the Packers and they were both undefeated.

That would be a good game.

Yep.

MSG3 Clay was mentioning I give a shout-out to Bias' boss a few weeks ago.

Yeah, because that was one of the screen names I used in the Orlando Sentinel chat

to cause havoc during the Casey Anthony trial.

And I brought it out.

Well, I used it last week.

Speaking of fantasy football, the Yahoo Sports has a fantasy football TV show

that they play Sundays at 12, 12 noon to 1, right before the games start.

And they have the same type of chat program on their website.

And I signed in as Baez's boss, and I was causing a big deal.

What did you say?

I forget.

I signed in as Negro Judge Perry, and I just said, hey, how y'all's doing today?

And everyone started complaining real quick.

I asked the problem at the end.

I said, the problem with the NFL is there's too many black quarterbacks.

Am I right?

And I got banned really quick.

You should, like, put Negro Michael Vick or something like that.

Negro Michael Vick.

Michael Vick's dog.

It's Michael Vick, Negro dog killer.

Anyway, Michael Vick's dog, is that what you said?

Yeah, just put in the chat, help me.

Help me.

Damn.

Michael Vick's pit bull.

All right.

sporty board sent in a number let's see what he sent in you may have heard this story on the news

a dad got drunk and what what hello yes hello i was talking breaking news breaking news yeah

breaking

news sound.

There's a sound board here.

And I got to find.

how do you spell breaking news how do you spell it

all right what you can just going up and down just now an earthquake earthquake in san francisco

how bad was it just like slam the brakes on man come to a dead stop man you got that confirmed

here all right everyone get your guns prepare for the race war

That's the first time I've ever heard of it.

Doug, man, are you driving the cab right now?

I was here earlier, yeah.

So this was supposed to be like an aftershock.

Oh, really?

There was an earthquake before?

Yeah, I thought I was imagining it, but that's how I felt it.

It felt like it went up and down, like the whole room just went down in an elevator shaft.

Wait a minute, you said it was an aftershock you felt just now, or there was an earthquake before?

I think so, yeah, because I felt one earlier, too, and I thought I was crazy, man.

I said, no, I'm just crazy.

Ah, so you felt the foreshock then, and then you felt the aftershock.

Okay, then poor shock.

Then this is the one, because this one was bigger.

I felt this one.

The fucking room felt like it went up and down.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Well, let's see what they say.

George Report says democracy, so I don't think it's that, Milkman.

I don't think...

Democracy!

That's what it says on George Report right now.

GeorgeReport.com.

Democracy.

All right.

What's that?

That's the news for you.

Democracy is the news.

I'm sure it's nothing, Milkman.

Are there any fires?

Did your gas pipe break and burst into flames yet?

my gas pipe is about to break

we're going to be late now on the part

so I just wanted to give you a quick warning

for viewing in the immediate vicinity

expect to be late or delayed

sporty board says

sporty board says breaking news

democracy causes earthquake in San Francisco

Obama caused it

you know what happens when your gas pipe breaks

you fart

thank you

it sounded funny in my head

You know what happens when the gas pipe breaks

and you move out of San Bruno.

That's right.

If you don't live here, then you don't get to live.

Is it okay?

Do you think it's worse than that

89 earthquake?

You can look at that, man.

There was an earthquake once.

Wasn't that earthquake in 89 in San Francisco

during the World Series?

We're in the World Series now.

Everything stopped.

The BART stopped.

stop oh my god all right well what would you say i told you my distaste for apple right uh i didn't

know you had a distaste for apple continue well i'm sorry that has officially changed tonight when

i saw the new iphone the new iphone it doesn't look much different than the iphone 4 to the i4

4s sir it's got basically a personal assistant you can ask it questions and shit yeah siri

yeah i know so yeah welcome to like 10 days ago no it's fucking crazy dude

dude. I just saw it for the first

time. Like, you can ask it, like,

well, I need to bring an umbrella, and it'll

tell you if it's going to rain.

Wow. Seriously, this is

reported quite some time ago, sir.

Yeah, I know, but I just found out about it, and now I want

an iPhone. Okay, well, yeah,

go. Go break your contract and get an iPhone.

Very good. You know there's an app

for Android.

There's an app for Android that's

called Iris.

There's an app for Android

Android called Iris which is spelled Siri backwards Siri spelled backwards and it does the same thing

does to let you know and it's is it free yep it's in beta but it's free there's also one called

Vlingo also same thing and there's also another one good um I don't know I guess you talk to it

it does stuff that sounds pretty good to me just saying look I'm not hating look let me let me just

explain let me explain I'm not hating on iOS or iOS 5 or anything like that or Apple I'm not

of hating on apple i'm just uh when it comes to a phone uh i'm more of an i i prefer android over

than the iphone to be honest with you i just like the android better yeah i'll get it you know i

covet an ipad i would like to have an ipad too and that's an ios device is basically the same

thing as the iphone just bigger you know but for a telephone machine i want an android that's it

it's open source and i can do a lot shit with it you know if i'm going to be carrying it around i

I want it to, you know, be an Android phone because I can do a lot more.

If you ask me, I can do more.

I can put a customized ROM and do a lot more shit than you can with an Apple phone, an iPhone machine.

So I have a question for the chat room.

Okay.

How many Adderalls should I take?

You shouldn't be mixing meds at all, Milkman.

Uh, uh, Evilardy, I'm sorry.

You shouldn't be mixing them at all.

I'm proud to be mixed with Zoloft.

I take the Adderall in the morning and the Zoloft at night.

All right, look, come on, that's enough.

they're off to put you to sleep milkman i'm trying to get confirmation on this uh earthquake of yours

i would guess the place to go would be twitter but they're not talking about it on twitter so

i think you're a liar milkman i don't think it really happened gold star sorry i got a gold star

for that one how do you search can you search twitter let me search earthquake in twitter let's

search earthquake on google news 7.7 likely near iwaki japan all right north of tokyo and that

That was 16 hours ago.

Wow, wow.

Breaking news.

Great.

That's quite an aftershock.

Here we go.

Another earthquake felt in the San Francisco area.

Reports 4.2 magnitude center near Berkeley.

There you go.

All right.

There you go, Milkman.

That was, uh, there you go.

Breaking news.

Oh, the breaking news.

That was about three miles from Berkeley.

All right.

So even more earthquake alert.

I didn't imagine the first one.

Preliminary 4.2 magnitude quake shakes the Bay Area with an epicenter in Berkeley.

same location of earlier 4.0 tremor okay there you go milkman you're not crazy it happened it

happened milkman don't take your pills yeah gold star where are the gold stars at where are the

gold stars at boring that's the wrong one oh shit all right you done you happy milkman you

stopped the show for an earthquake i hope this i hope this is on another one okay we do anyway

listen speaking of news there was a story recently a dad got drunk and has had his nine-year-old

daughter drive him around town here's a link to the story anyways the van is actually the dude's

company van and i could see his website on the back and some of the footage before that website

got taken down he got the phone number off the site haven't called it but i might get the guy

okay let's try it so this is a number uh the uh the dude whose company we're about to call

if he answers even his dad got drunk and had his nine-year-old daughter drive around okay cool

Cool. Wow.

I'll mute.

Please. Thank you.

I'm going to use some yogurt. Breaking news.

Do I get a breaking news for telling you I'm eating yogurt?

Not for Go-Gurt. Nope.

It's not Go-Gurt. It's the O'Play.

Okay, yeah. You get a breaking news for that.

And I'm going to send a little cop to the breast cancer.

All right. Mute.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

It's known. Please record your message.

Well, he wanted us to leave a message and call him back.

I don't do that kind of thing. I don't get into that.

Breaking news here as well.

Ted Webb checking into the chat room.

All right. Ted.

Ted, I don't know if you heard, but I have been in communication with Jen.

Jen, it was good to talk to Jen.

Jen Stewart.

I'm trying to entice him to do a show with us one day.

Again, where he'll talk all ethnic.

All right, we got a number in Detroit here.

This is, we may have heard this story in the news.

The drunk guy, and this is the same one from before.

Never mind.

I read the wrong one.

Okay, let's continue.

Another request to prank here from Tabachi.

Let's see what Tabachi sent in tonight.

$25 Love Spellcaster 7 African Voodoo Power.

What?

Stop.

What is a Love Spellcaster 7?

African Voodoo Power Cell Explanatory.

Nunu says he sent the numbers also. Good Nunu.

Okay, let me call this one real quick from Dabashi so he doesn't get all mad and shit.

Then we got more numbers to do.

Alright, just mute. Don't tell us each time.

Milkman, you should find a table to get under in case another earthquake comes.

Just sayin'.

Milkman, go buy a table real quick. Just in case.

Buy a table.

Buy one, real quick. Go to Ikea, buy a table, and put it together.

You never know.

But I can't read it!

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

3, 4, 7, 5...

Fucking Ikea.

Don't they have no, like, isn't all the instructions are just pictures, right?

If I understand correctly.

I never buy any of their furniture, but I think that's the case.

You got that civil defense warning thing?

I got a few of them.

I played one before the show.

Which one do you want to hear?

What's it say for me to do?

It says I'm supposed to get in a tub of water and roll on the ground first.

Get in a tub of water and roll.

Stop, drop, and roll.

I don't know.

For earthquakes, let's see.

I got one about fire.

Let me see what I can find here for you, Milkman.

I know you're scared.

It's okay.

I know, man.

Let's see what civil defense would have you do.

Let's see here.

Well, let's play this one.

I think this one is the most appropriate one that you would have to do.

You ready?

All right.

Write it down.

Take notes.

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense,

Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If you receive warning of an enemy attack, get to the nearest fallout shelter promptly.

But if you're caught in the open, and there's a brilliant nuclear flash in the distance, take cover immediately.

Even miles away, you may be exposed within seconds to a searing heat wave from the explosion, followed by a blast wave and flying debris.

Get into the nearest building immediately, or into a ditch or culvert, beneath a parked car, behind a tree or a wall, anything solid that will give you some measure of protection.

Curl up in a ball and cover your head with your arms.

Stay there until heat and blast waves have passed.

Then go to the nearest fallout shelter before radioactive fallout starts drifting down.

If there's no fallout shelter within range, go to the nearest large building

and take shelter in the basement or one of the inner hallways.

Know in advance what to do in any emergency situation.

Find out from your local civil defense office.

There you go, Mokbanzo.

You can figure it out.

just remove nuclear blasts with earthquake

and radiation with tremor

and there you go, you know what to do

just basically curl yourself in a ball

curl yourself in a ball

and say oh baby Jesus, baby Jesus

and someone will come and help you

when I was a kid

they never taught us any of that

did you learn any of that

civil defense shit like duck and cover

when you were a kid

I was alive

I was alive.

I mean, I was...

No.

I was alive in the 80s.

I was...

I mean, I was born in 79.

I went to school.

I started elementary school in 85.

You know...

No.

The Civil War...

The Civil War.

The Cold War wasn't over until 1990.

I still had five years, man.

1990 was when the wall fell.

You know?

All through elementary school, you know,

they still had the missiles pointed at us,

and they never taught me to duck and come.

I wasn't getting under the desk unless it was for the principal.

When were you born, Artie?

What year were you born?

89.

So you missed it all then because 89, it was just about all over.

You were only alive for the first year.

The first year of your life, then the Russians were,

the Soviets were still wanting to kill us all, I guess.

I didn't know what the Cold War was until school.

All right.

Did you understand that everyone every day was thinking that at some point

there was going to be a nuclear war between the Soviets and America?

Because I was just one

When it ended

Yeah I know

There you go

I thought it ended in 89 for some reason

89

It started ending in 89

And 89 is when like Germany fell

Like East Germany fell

But the Soviet Union didn't break up until 90

But I think by 80

I could be wrong I could be off by a year

But by 89 it was just about

The tensions were down in 89

But yeah actually the Soviet Union fell in 91

If I remember correctly

so 91 92 technically didn't finish until 92 i could be wrong but by 89 that's when the soviet

union fell oh the communism was falling anyway that's when they had the best heavy metal anyway

rock and roll this number directs to family who mommy is a psychic we've been fucking with them

lately and the father likes yelling the devil gonna pull your eyes out okay

All right, that's another request to prank, I think, from Tabachi.

Let's try that here.

Give me a second.

It takes only seconds.

That's magictalk.com.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Your caller ID is either being blocked or being deleted by your carrier.

Please arrange to have your number unrestricted with your carrier and dial again.

There we go.

Did they have to play an advertisement before they let me know the fact that it couldn't be dialed?

I don't understand.

Pretty good theme music here

And the advertisement

Artie wasn't it

Wasn't tonight

The finale of

Jersey Shore

You still watching that

You used to be really

No I haven't watched it

In like a year

Yeah cause the last time

You came over to the house

In Orlando

You and Athena

Talked for a whole hour

With that stupid fucking show

Like oh Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore

What's your favorite

Jersey Shore moment

And what's your favorite

Jersey Shore scene

It's funny

It got kinda old though

Well the finale was tonight

I'm reading up on that

But that's good news

Because you know

What's coming back

because Beavis and Butthead, I'm pretty excited about that.

I've been watching the previews and the trailers

for the new Beavis and Butthead show,

and I'm quite excited.

Oh, man, I love Ren and Stimpy.

Ren and Stimpy, well, they tried to bring that back, Milkman,

but it really sucked

because they didn't have the same guy doing the voices.

It wasn't...

Yeah, he was on a Stern show for a while.

Did they look the same?

Billy West.

Oh, they looked the same.

Even the animation was kind of off, too, to be honest with you.

The animation wasn't all there.

it looked a little weird and the voice sounded nothing like the guy that was doing ren's

voices and i think stimpy was still there yeah uh billy west was still doing stimpy's voice but

the guy who was doing ren's voice sounded nothing like him it totally okay whatever really pissed

me off about ren and stimpy was like when it first came out it was really hot and everyone

was like loving the ren and stimpy show and they had like four or five episodes and they kept

playing them and playing them and playing them over and over again ren and stimpy you're the

the same four or five episodes on MTV and Nickelodeon.

It never ended.

Never understood why they couldn't make any more.

And, like, they had, like, the first episode,

and they didn't even release it for, like, a whole fucking year.

They used it in the intro to the show, and you were like,

well, that looks like a funny episode, and they never showed it.

It was one where they were, like, in the pound or something.

It was a funny show, but, God, man, I mean...

It was fucking soft.

It took forever to get the first...

They were cool as hell, man.

It took them forever to get the fucking new shows out,

and it fucking died as quick as it became hot.

Not. Shit. Anyway.

Alright, let me go over to the chat room

where Nunu has sent in numbers. We're all excited

about that. Jill's asking if the

rubber boob ever showed up. Yes, it's

over here on the floor next to me. I found it.

I just don't feel like getting it. Alright, no

Lonesome Loser yet. If it could be in by

now, it's 1130. Holy shoot.

But let's see what numbers we do have. We got the

Korean Fried Rice Lady. Well, Nunu's saying

we should call the Korean Fried Rice. I don't have that number

on me, though. We'd have to get Lonesome to send it again.

Or I'd have to go digging in the

logs. For that, we'd have to take a break.

Which I am planning on doing here pretty soon.

I've got to stretch my legs.

Shaniqua, loving him.

Braxton, shabaybay.

What?

Wenta Anacosta lives in Washington, D.C.

Married to G-Money Hit Squad.

Speak in a formal, serious voice and refer to her husband as Mr. Hit Squad.

Okay, sounds good.

Let's do that.

Apparently, Nunu's hitting up OpenBook again.

OpenBook.com, I think it is.

Is that right?

Alright, give me a confirmation on that, PLAs.

Oh, shit, we got a number that the RBCP sent in also.

I gotta get to that also.

Now we're gonna do some more telemarketers, right, Milkman?

You have fun with those.

You like telemarketers, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, Fina came in because the cat was locked in his crate here for like eight hours.

Hello.

Hi, is this Big Shaniqua?

Hello.

Yes, hi, is this Big Shaniqua?

Yes.

Okay, hi.

I need to speak with, is your husband there, Mr. Hit Squad?

What?

No.

Please.

Mr. Shaniqua.

I should have got another angle.

I knew I shouldn't have gone with Nunu's idea.

Let's try to call her back.

Why did you hang up?

Don't do that, please.

I'm sorry.

Look, do you ever go to the mall and eat ice cream?

Have you ever tried it?

And she hangs up.

Well, you know, that's what I thought was a good first date.

Milkman all this time was eating ice cream with a girl.

Isn't that a good first date?

You know, right?

Ice cream is a great date.

You eat ice cream, right?

Yeah, I'd get her to peel the wrapper off of you, too.

Ask her if you're going to have to watch how she peels the wrapper.

Ah, I gotcha.

Good idea.

The more you know.

Milkman version.

Yeah.

No, no, you had sent in two numbers last week that you were complaining that I didn't get to.

Do you want to send those to me again?

I think they were British numbers.

Milkman, I want you to stop asking about Maven.

Every week you ask about Maven, and I tell you every week, Maven hasn't been around in months.

It's been ten months.

Ten months or longer since we've seen Maven.

It's going to be a year soon.

Stop asking.

No more Maven.

Maven's gone.

Maven's dead.

Not real.

I know, okay, but she doesn't come around anymore in the show.

She's busy or something.

I don't know.

Well, maybe I should pass her into the show.

Well, you got her phone number?

Yeah.

Well, you tell me.

You know better than me.

I'm just sitting here.

I don't see a Maven every week.

I don't see a Maven in the chat room.

Nunu said, not the big girl voice.

I said I was supposed to use the serious voice.

Sorry, Nunu.

My bad.

I made a mistake.

I am a poet.

What was that oven we were calling?

The new wave?

Let's try to call them again.

The stylings of Jimi Hendrix turned on a Madhouse Radio,

and you're listening to It, the show called Madhouse Radio.

Thank you.

Or the songs are repeating one after another.

Thank you for calling.

Order the new Wave Oven Pro.

This call will be recorded for quality assurance.

This thing will take a whole turkey, right?

What?

You can put the whole turkey in there?

In what, sir?

In the new Wave Oven machine?

That depends on the oven, sir.

What do you mean?

This call is going to be recorded for quality assurance.

Yes.

Is that okay with you?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay. It depends on what size turkey you get.

You said it depended on the oven.

It depends on the turkey.

But you said it depends on the oven. Did you make a mistake?

Sir, can you let me repeat? Can I finish what I have to say, sir?

No.

It depends on the oven and the turkey size you're getting.

Can I ask you another question?

What is that?

Do you remember? I have two questions. Are you ready?

I'm going to ask them both, all right?

Number one, do you remember in the beginning when you said it depends on the oven?

I just said it depends on the oven and it depends on the size turkey.

Did you not hear what I said, sir?

Well, I was asking you to clarify, so I would say I didn't hear it clearly, right?

Well, I was trying to, but you were talking when I was talking, so.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know I didn't have the floor.

I thought it was a customer.

Can I ask my second question now?

Go ahead.

The second question.

What did you say?

I forgot it.

What did you say?

What do you mean what did I say?

Can you say what you said again, what you said at the beginning?

That this call will be recorded for quality assurances.

There was something after that that you said it depended on the turkey.

And the size of the oven that you get.

There was something else you said that made me want to ask you a second question.

I don't remember what it is now.

I have no idea.

Can you steam vegetables in the oven?

Yes, you can.

So what do you do?

Do you put the steamer attachment on it?

No, there's no steamer attachment.

Because I have a Steam Shark Pocket Mop.

I was thinking maybe you could attach it to this because they're both on the same commercial, back to back.

No.

They're not affiliated?

No.

Okay.

Okay, all right, so you can put turkeys in this thing, hams?

Right.

Soups?

Mm-hmm.

All right, now, how do you bake a soup? Tell me.

You don't bake a soup.

What do you do with the soup when you put it in the oven? That's silly.

Oh, is that silly?

Well, why would you put a soup in the oven? I would never do that before. This is new to me.

Okay, well, you set the time feature, and then you cook the soup.

Okay, but I don't understand, because the oven, it isn't waterproof.

Do you know how to use a stove top, sir?

No.

You don't know how to cook on a stove top?

My wife does all the cooking.

Okay, well, you get a really great instructional DVD that will help you out with this.

My wife uses the DVD player also.

Okay, well, have your wife do it then.

Do you have the VCR tape?

Nope.

Oh, you see? You see?

How is that fair to me? I don't have a DVD that I can use.

My wife uses it.

You just said that your wife has one, so let her use it.

No, she's not allowed to cook anymore.

Well, then how are you guys going to eat? You're going to starve to death, right?

No, my wife left me, so that's just why I'm calling to get something to eat.

It's, you know, a way to...

Okay.

So this makes a whole turkey?

Yes, it will.

How 10, 20 pound turkey or less?

No.

10?

Up to a 16 pound turkey if you purchase our extended ring kit.

Now can you put the stuffing inside it also?

You can if you want.

Okay, so what are the instructions for the stuffing in the turkey?

I don't have the instructions.

What do you, do you have an instruction booklet there that tells you all the things?

No, I don't, but it will come with that.

What information do you have?

What you get with your order.

All right, what's that again?

You can actually purchase quite a bit.

We offer a baking kit, a party mixer and a twister, a supreme pizza kit, an extended ring kit.

You can also get the limited edition black oven.

It's up to you.

Now, the black oven, is this a special color?

Black.

Is it a black color?

It's a black oven.

Does the black cover, does it fry the chicken instead of just baking it?

What is that supposed to mean?

Because it's a black oven.

It's the black version.

Okay, so since it's a black oven, you think it fries chicken instead of baking it?

Possibly, yes.

How does that make any sense?

Well, because it's a black version.

What does that supposed to mean?

Because black people like fried foods.

Mostly that's the culture.

Are you calling a place in order or are you calling to mess around on the phone?

No, I'm calling a place in order.

I just want to know.

Because that's very racist and I don't appreciate it.

I'm talking about black African American culture and it's true.

And that's very racist.

But it's true.

I don't appreciate it.

Well, maybe southern people do.

Are you calling a place in order or are you not?

Yes.

Okay, well, what is your card number?

Watermelons.

Your card number is watermelons?

No.

That's what I'm asking about watermelons in this thing.

Okay, have a good day.

Okay.

Milkman, she said...

I wanted to cut in about fried chicken.

Look what a fried chicken.

Artie, would you like to talk?

Would you like to talk?

That was awesome, man.

I was laughing so hard.

Oh, I have a bit of a disgusting breaking news, Carly, though.

Hang on.

This is really bad.

Am I going to get mad at you?

Think about it.

Think about it first.

first am i gonna get no you're not gonna get mad it's fucking crazy though all right what is it

anyways i told you last night that um they cut off the internet that i was stealing for free

right yes well i've lately i've been like since that happened i've been going outside and stealing

another signal that's the only way i can get it awesome and i told you last night i kind of got

sick right yeah well i was out on my back porch and it came so quick that i didn't have time to

to get to the actual grass and it went all over the cement you know when you shit yourself no and

i um puked oh okay all right and there was a bunch of chunks of like um what's it called um

you ever seen that chicken flatbread no the taco bell no a bunch of chunks of that i had four of

them my god would you have to eat that much of that stuff man why can't you just have one they're

tiny oh god yeah okay i don't want to talk about it but anyways there were chunks of it all over

and I figured, oh, I don't feel like cleaning it up right now.

I'll do it in the morning.

Okay.

I came back about two hours later.

The chunks were gone.

As soon as an animal ate it, that's all.

That's disgusting, though.

It's crazy, though.

Animals don't care.

If my one cat throws up, the other cat will eat it.

It's disgusting, too, but it's stupid.

And there might have been a Zoloft in there.

Oh, that would have been funny.

That's awesome.

Because I had taken a Zoloft like probably 10, 20 minutes before.

Arnie, I want you to explain this to the New Wave Oven people, okay?

The Zoloft?

No, the whole story you just told me.

Repeat it.

Thank you for calling to order the New Wave Oven Pro.

This call will be recorded for quality assurances.

Is that okay with you?

Okay.

That sounds great.

You calling the place in order?

Oh, yes.

I'd love to place an order, but I was wondering,

will I puke the food that I cook in this oven?

Like, is it safe, food in the oven?

Hello?

Maybe a different approach already this time.

I don't know.

Ask if you can make your leftovers in the oven, and then when they say yes.

Make my leftover puke?

Well, no, just the leftovers, and then when they say yes,

then go into the story about how you went back and you puked.

Okay.

Try it again.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Or call them up.

Do a testimonial real quick.

Thank you for calling to order the oven.

How can I help you?

Hey, I'd love the oven.

How much is it?

We're offering it on three payments for $39.99, plus your shipping and handling.

How much is shipping and handling?

$29.95.

Wow, that's a lot.

But anyway, is the oven good for cooking leftovers?

Yes, it is.

It's got the reheat feature.

Okay, that's great because the other night I puked

and there was a bunch of leftovers left on the floor.

I'm sorry.

I plugged that up.

Oh, she was transferring us.

Coming back in an hour.

She was transferring.

I hung up, but she was transferring us,

and we're probably out to the manager's to see if we get her again.

We only got one person working there?

Shit.

I want to do a different approach.

Go for it.

Yes, sir.

Well, I think I want to order the oven.

Your name?

My name's Artie.

Okay, Artie.

Well, what would you like to use today, sir?

Well, first of all, I have a couple questions about the oven.

Okay, go ahead.

Is it good for cooking brownies?

Sure.

Well, is it good for cooking meth, too?

I mean, if you like to cook meth, have at it.

Okay, is it, like, does it have a good rating for cooking meth?

Have you heard anything from previous customers?

No, no.

Previous customers haven't given us any feedback on that,

but um you know i mean have you tried cooking no no i'm not uh i'm like a vegetarian of math

if you will uh i was wondering if you'd like to buy something you mean you're a virgin like um

like a non-math user um oh would you like some crack like as in like anti-math or okay

don't use math is it good for cooking up some coke into some pizza yeah into some pizza you

you cook your coke with your pizza yeah and that way you you get a fucking badass high with the

pizza yeah you never tried it no okay well would you like to come over you sound like we might get

along you sound a little effeminate so i'll give it to you soft okay i don't think i live near you

are you new mexico yes i am i love new mexico date albuquerque bugged bunny kept getting stuck

there that guy just man wrong turns in albuquerque non-stop he never made any wrong turns at roy

though right oh yes i was in roy that's where i lived roy they hung up hey wait a minute i'm

I'm confused.

How did he know about Roaring New Mexico?

That's what I was...

I was actually going to say I'm in Roaring New Mexico.

How did he know about that?

Is he...

Wait a minute.

That's...

I'm confused.

Isn't that the fucking city that RBCP uses?

Well, yeah.

That's what they...

That's what the phone...

Yeah.

That's what RBCP uses on the phone show.

Maybe they're calling...

Where'd you get the number from him?

I got...

I got this myself.

I started...

Unless they've been calling it without me.

Coincidentally.

I saw the...

That's hilarious.

I saw the infomercial, and I said, hey, that'd be a good one to do.

That's kind of scary.

We've got to get RBCP on.

You think he was a listener?

Maybe he's a phone loser fan, and he just happened to work there?

I don't know.

Yeah, that's funny.

I was thinking that.

When he said New Mexico, I should say I'm from Raleigh.

RBCP's like weird.

RBCP, have you guys been calling the new Wave Oven?

I don't remember.

In the shows that I've heard recently, I haven't heard the new Wave Oven.

that was kind of i unless they're affiliated with the steam shark uh people i don't know

that would be funny that's weird that's that is totally weird i think he's a fan i think he's a

closet fan and we uh he's like oh my god they're gone anyway look we got to take a break here um

ted webb's in there as i said before in the chat room that's good milkman's here also he's not in

the chat room he's been banned yeah he was right he said he's never made a turn in roy i that's

I'm still, like, thinking, what the fuck is that about?

Okay.

Let's call back, and do you remember the guy's name?

No.

Roy?

Was it Roy?

Let's call back.

I don't have an answer to replay.

His name was Murphy, wasn't it?

Murphy?

Murphy.

That was Robocop's name.

Muffin would be like, farted on the phone.

I farted on the phone.

You guys said it all creepy.

I farted on the phone.

I did.

I farted on the phone.

There he gets there.

You got to fart, actually, though, already.

I can't.

Do you have a sound effect?

No.

We're calling in to order your new wave oven. This is Jason. How are you today?

I'm great.

All right, great. Now, these calls are recorded for quality assurance. Is that okay?

I don't know. What are you going to do with my voice?

What are you going to do with it?

Forget it. No recording.

No, we're just going to leave it the way it is.

Okay, you're not going to make me say weird shit, right?

Nope. Nope, we wouldn't do that.

Okay, thank you.

Are you calling in to place an order?

Yes, please.

Great. Go ahead with your credit card number whenever you're ready.

Well, I don't have a credit card, but I can send cash in the mail, can't I?

Well, if you like, sir, I can give you our customer service number if you'd like to send cash in the mail.

Could we, like, maybe make a trade?

Make a trade?

Yeah, like I'll send you a kilogram of Coke for the oven.

I'm sorry, sir, the phone broke up. Send you what, I'm sorry?

I'll send you a kilogram of Coke for the oven.

Oh, man, we can't go there, bud.

But thanks for your call.

What about a gram?

You have a great day.

Me too.

The phone broke up.

I think Legend is confirming that it's the same call center.

Okay, that would make sense.

You know, the funny thing is, if that's the case,

and we found a backdoor then to keep harassing them

because the Steam Shark pocket mop machine,

I don't know if you heard before already,

but they blocked Skype calls and blocked numbers

due to the efforts of all of us here.

Yes.

I just called from Skype.

Oh, good idea.

Very good idea.

And, yeah, very good idea.

Very good idea.

That's hilarious.

It's a lot of Skype calls.

All right.

Anyway, we're going to take a break here.

When we come back, we're going to have more calls to telemarketer things.

And Lonesome Loser's here.

All right, good.

We got Lonesome Loser.

We got new numbers also.

Good.

The McRib is back.

Lonesome's getting numbers.

I'll fart on the phone.

We got Request a Pranks.

We're going to fart on the phone.

We're going to have fun.

Yeah.

Maybe about five minutes there.

there and I'll go make a sandwich. You should

make a sandwich also. Turn your speakers

as loud as they go. Make a sandwich.

Couldn't Athena be making you a sandwich?

She's sleeping. She makes shitty sandwiches.

I love my wife and all, but she

makes crappy sandwiches. We're back in about five

minutes. Thank you. Guys, be quiet.

Two dogs all late.

Gotta testify. Come up in the spot

looking extra fly. Yeah. For the day

I die. House Radio will be back

right after this. Don't tell me

40,000 people are coming here, bro.

They're not here. You know what they

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I love niggas.

The niggas are me

And I should only love that which is me

To see niggas go through changes

I love to see niggas

Shoot the shit

But this one thing about niggas

I did it again

To all my Brooklyn

Niggas

To all my up

Niggas understand

To all my bro

To all my wave friends

What's up everybody, Madhouse Radio, bye

Hey Carlito

Hey, how are they?

I just thought of something, you said that the Steam Shark people blocked people who blocked their numbers

Well yeah, I fixed it, I got through to them because I went through on Google Voice

But why?

Well, there's no point in blocking your numbers

because every 800 number, like, they can see your number.

Yeah.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I know the CP&I or something.

I forget what it's called.

It's got a name.

Yeah, yeah.

I know, Artie.

I know.

There's something they're doing.

They did something to figure it out.

They got away.

They're blocking Skypes.

So you can't call from voice either?

Well, Google Voice is working.

You can get there on Google Voice.

Oh, so the Steam Shark people?

Yeah, the Steam Shark people.

I tested it tonight in the show before you got on.

yes google voice steamshark work okay let's call them all right run i'm taking it all right cool

guy before i get marcus your favorite i never talked to marcus i just heard him i can swear

you've talked to him before oh it was um you talked to him funny how they have to sit they

have to go through yeah the force to basically legend saying i guess it's a company called

tell us something tell uh what was it big legend

Get that bus to Rhinestone.

Not on me.

I can look for it.

Your call is important to us.

Please hold for the next available specialist.

Even if it's locking it this way.

This aren't holding.

Did you talk to someone?

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you for your patience.

Please stay on the line and the next available specialist will assist you momentarily.

Next available specialist and they don't even know what the three levels are.

They don't know what, yeah.

Trying to make sure they're listening.

The lady I talked to, she was like, I was just talking to somebody.

and I couldn't answer her question.

She was admitting it.

About how many ounces it holds.

I don't know.

We're on hold.

Artie, we're on hold.

I don't want to do this right now.

Thank you for your patience.

Please stay online

and the next available specialist

will assist you momentarily.

Maybe later, Artie, okay?

We'll try again later.

Not right now.

Now's not the time.

We got more numbers we can do, all right?

This isn't an Artie show.

Anyway.

My show.

You wish.

I'll hang up on you in a second

and you can start talking like that.

What do you think you are?

Clone homegrown?

Have you ever said not to Athena?

Yeah, all the time.

I'll hang up with you in a second if you start talking like that.

No.

Well, it's good to have all you here who are joining us tonight.

We're going to continue with the second half of the show.

Madhouse Radio, as I said before.

The Milkman and Evil Artie.

Yes, Kokanee's in the chat room.

We are your parvayers of prank calls tonight.

MadhouseLive.com is the website.

Be sure to go there.

Subscribe to the podcast if you haven't already, which you probably have anyway.

I still can't believe the guy didn't hang up when I asked if it could cook math.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio is the screen name.

Again, Madhouse Radio on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Madhouseatlive.com for those of you stuck on MSN.

Be sure to follow us on Twitter.

The username thing, whatever you call it there on Twitter is Madhouse.

And on Facebook, Madhouse Live on Facebook.

be sure to follow us and also like the madhouse crank calls page thing yeah of course who doesn't

like it who doesn't like it good to have you on tonight milkman it's always good to have you on

of course evil artitude you're appreciated i just took four adderalls guys i'm so high

all right let's look at lonesome losers number here i'm kidding about the adderalls i'll actually

be starting my adderall tomorrow i'm telling you be careful what you're mixing that shit with dude

milkman over there had to spend a fucking six months in a hospital because he started mixing

and pills in an accident.

The doctor made a mistake,

told him take this

and take this.

Well, I took his Olof

and Adderall

for like four years.

Together?

Yeah.

Can you do that?

I guess.

Today I've been in the hospital

for months, dude.

I had to shit the fucking box

and I was so fucked up.

Yep.

They made him shit in the box

and they were cutting it

with a knife and everything

and looking at it.

Fucking sampling

and all this crap.

Lonesome forgets what,

which of the Korean restaurants,

I don't remember

which Korean restaurant it was.

What do you,

I don't remember the name of them.

Hmm.

that had the kimchi rice.

It might have been this one ju-guac.

Let's see if we can call them again.

Is it okay to mix Zoloft and THC?

Zoloft and THC?

Yeah.

I don't think it's a smart idea

to smoke pot on any of that stuff, man,

because it messes with you.

It's a depressant, man.

You know, you don't want to try to

be careful with that shit.

Well, like, the upper, it, like,

it evens out with the depressant, you know?

It doesn't work like that, man.

man. There's weird effects on long-term

stuff. You don't want to be doing that. If you're

on the weed, you should be okay. You shouldn't need anything

else, usually, man. Nah, man.

Just get you a box handy if you start having

to mix up pills, man, because you'll be using the

box regularly. Yep. They're going to put

you in your box and check your GPS.

Learn how to

hang off of a pole, man.

It's almost like a strip dance.

All right, quiet.

No answer there.

I did want to mention,

Lonesome, that

whichever Korean restaurant it was,

it was in Hawaii. I remember for a fact

the two you sent me in Oregon here, I don't think

it's either of these. It was a Hawaii

Korean restaurant. It might not have said Korean.

It didn't say Korean, though.

It didn't say Korean. It might have been Chinese.

It was some of those Hawaiian numbers

from last week.

Are you making fun of the way I talk, Milkman?

No, dude. Like cream.

You know, like when you gotta cream the house.

Oh, okay. Milkman, I'm starting

to get that Pennsylvania accent. It does exist.

You say things in a funny, stupid way.

and i'm starting i'm starting it's starting to affect me and the people who are the people here

in pennsylvania are kind of dumb man no don't talk to my wife like i'm stupid on the stage

what their infatuation is with pencils i don't even get it's actually about penises

they just don't pronounce it right they pronounce it pencil penises

recording look man i'm telling you like they they do dumb shit like here they call

hamburger all right wherever i've lived in if you get a hamburger all right a barbecue style

hamburger you know where like it's like it's got barbecue sauce like a you'd call a western burger

you know what i mean or a barbecue sauce on hamburger they call it hamburg barbecue

hamburg barbecue milan hamburg it's not even they're not even saying the full word hamburger

burger they're just saying hamburg barbecue yeah i mean why i want to take a pencil sharpen it

shove in my eye i want to hear that shit yeah oh my god speaking of hamburgers uh-huh would you

like to call back the monkey at burger king oh yeah the monkey at burger king yeah lonesome look

for that and if you got that on hand still we call last week hit an answer but the monkey at

burger king well what's that and do you know what they call green peppers in some parts they call

They call them mangoes.

What?

You can't make this stuff up.

They call them mangoes in some place in Pennsylvania.

I'm not kidding.

You can't.

I cannot make this shit up.

Mangoes.

I don't know.

I've never seen one before.

They call them boobs.

Tropical tomato?

I don't know.

Tropical potato.

I don't know.

Seriously.

I'll order a tropical potato.

Tropical potato.

Oh, my God, man.

But I heard someone say that.

I want a tropical potato flavor drink, please.

A tropical potato flavored sorbet

Oh my god

I have a tropical potato pineapple smoothie please

Alright well

We got a lot of Chinese

The first two numbers haven't picked up here from Lonesome

Let's keep going here

Talk more about shitting in the toilet

The monkey has an office

I want you to know

That I'm a person

And if I see you here

I'm going to take care of stuff

Wait a minute

Do you remember around when we called

It was two weeks ago if you asked him what time I don't know what time because they were closed

We got to figure out when they're closed. It was pretty late

My cat is just jumping all over the place here in the room in the office

We are not available now, please leave your name and phone number after the beat we will return your call

he's just he's staring at the door now i won't go out probably don't want me jumping around he's an

asshole he broke a lamp the other day in the living room in the morning he's a fucking dick

man i fell asleep in the living room and uh he he's got this thing where when he hears the first

alarm alarm clock go off he wants to wake us up to feed him so he'll start knocking stuff down

from the tables and the counters and the dressers and stuff and he got on top of the one of the

the tables in the living room

trying to wake me up, and he

knocked down the lamp

and broke the light bulb. Fucking dickhead.

I picked him up with the nape of his neck, and I

threw him inside his crate, and I locked him in there

all morning. He's like, you want to eat? And I

fed the other cat in front of him. He was crying.

He's like, mew. I was like, shut up.

You watch her eat. Learned his lesson. He hasn't broke another

lamp since. That was yesterday, though. He's looking

at me all angry. Is Burger King? No. I'll tell

you when it's Burger King, sir. I had Burger

King today. You have Burger King every day.

Well, it's because I was out of town, and I only had $7.

You have a Burger King, like, behind your house.

That's why.

I haven't had Burger King before that since two weeks ago.

Burger King, Burger King.

Well, no, the week before, actually.

I was going to Nocala.

I hate people who say it like that.

Burger King, Burger King.

Double stackers were so good.

Where's your family from?

Are they from, like, up north and stuff?

Are they from, like, Massachusetts or something stupid?

My family's from Jersey and New York.

How can I help you?

Finally, someone answered the phone.

Someone answered the phone finally.

I've been trying to make orders here.

No one answers the phone.

I think I got your call earlier, but no one said anything when I said hello.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it was my fault.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Hey, I'm sorry.

You know, we're actually closed, though.

We closed 30 minutes ago.

Oh, man.

Hey, do you guys do hot pots?

No, we don't even do hot pots anyways.

Oh, you don't?

What do you do, like, right?

You have fried rice there?

Yeah, we have fried rice and stuff, yeah.

All right.

Do you have kimchi fried rice, or you just do, like, what do you do?

No.

No, you have to go to a Korean place to get kimchi fried rice.

What do you do here?

We have Vietnamese food.

We have soups, but they're not hot pots.

There's Thai food.

You go to Thai food, there's a place next door, they do hot pots.

How long does it take to go to the bathroom after you have one of those?

Sorry?

How long does it take to go to the bathroom after you have one of those?

You have one?

Yeah.

Quick phone hang up.

Man, I love...

Hang up when you hear the echo.

Artie, do you like Papa John's pizza, or what do you like?

I usually like Domino's.

Okay, the new Domino's, you like it?

That's cool.

The new one with the garlicky crust?

The new one is good, yes.

It's kind of salty, though, but yeah.

Milkman.

Oh, I love salty.

Milkman, out of the big change, you got your Pizza Hut, your Papa John's, and your Domino's.

What do you like?

I think Milkman had to meet himself.

He was talking to a customer.

Actually, Hungry Howie's, too.

No, dude.

Hungry Howie's is crap.

The butter crust.

No.

Butter garlic.

Well, I like Little Caesars because you can go right in, get the pizza, and get out.

You know what I mean?

Five bucks.

Yeah, it's five bucks, and it's fresh and ready to go.

That's not bad.

Five bucks for a large pizza.

The breadsticks are...

Oh, dude, the crazy bread.

There's, yeah.

Cheesy bread at the Domino's.

They got cheesy bread.

It's fucking amazing.

I hate Pizza Hut's cheese sticks.

Pizza Hut breadsticks suck really bad.

They're, like, dry.

I know.

They're salty and, ugh.

And I swear they make the boxes so that the air can come in them, you know,

so that it goes bad quicker.

Like, the next day, everything's hard as a rock.

Yeah, yeah, yes, yeah.

Those things do not keep.

The Pizza Hut breadsticks, do not keep.

But, dude, I'll tell you what.

The best crust is Pizza Hut pan pizza.

It's got that buttery, oily goodness to it.

You know what I mean?

The best crust.

No, I don't like the stuffed crust.

It doesn't have that good of a taste.

The good crust, the Pizza Hut pan pizza out of the big three.

Excuse me, Pizza Hut pan pizza.

What are the big three?

Pizza Hut Domino's and Papa John's?

I'd say so, yeah.

And followed by, I don't know.

There aren't any Godfather's Pizza

there in Florida, right?

Where I used to live, right?

I don't remember Godfather's Pizza.

It's supposedly a big chain, but I never

went there.

There's probably a couple others I can't think of.

Did you ever go to that pizza place across from UCF

that had the $3 pizza on Tuesday or whatever?

We talked about that, I remember.

I'm asking if you ever went.

There was this one pizza place that was amazing.

I forget the name.

Almond Pop Shop, I forget the name.

Cho-Cho's.

Something I love ordering at pizza places.

What's that?

Pizza?

Teriyaki wings.

Yeah, a little too sugary for me, but yeah, that's a good thing to order, I guess.

Yeah, because there's this one pizza place out by UCF.

They said they were open until 4 in the morning.

That's why I love them, because I was always up in the night.

Oh, that's Broadway, man.

Broadway pizza?

Yeah, I think that was it.

Oh, my God.

That Broadway pizza, the one that you're talking about, is the best pizza in Orlando.

You cannot get any better pizza in Central Florida than that fucking pizza place right there.

It is deep.

Oh, no fucking doubt, dude.

Andy used to work there.

And I'm telling you, the neighborhood that I lived in, you could order from that Broadway pizza.

And, dude, oh, you're fucking nuts.

And they're open until 4.

Yeah, and they'll bring you beer, too.

They say, we deliver beer.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I remember that because I had no idea.

Because now they'll bring out the little flyers door to door.

Yeah, yeah.

One of them appeared in the apartment complex, and I picked it up.

I'm like, yeah, let me try it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a whole menu.

Yeah, Broadway Pizza, right on their menu, said they deliver beer,

and Andy said they'd even deliver cigarettes if you asked them to.

Really?

They pick it up.

If you told them, hey, give me a pack of cigarettes at the gas station,

they'd go to the gas station on the way to deliver it.

But call them up.

I don't want to mess with them.

I don't know.

They knew me there.

I'd call, like, every week.

Every Friday, I'd call Broadway Pizza and get an extra-large white pizza with pepperoni.

White pizza?

Yeah, with pepperoni.

Can't be black, huh?

With fried chicken.

I've seen your photo.

Yeah, hi.

Is this Burger King, right?

This is Burger King?

Yes, it is.

Hi, is this the manager?

Yes, it is.

Are you closed?

Excuse me?

Are you closed already?

No, we closed in about a half hour, sir.

Oh, did I bother you?

Were you in the office or something?

No, we're very busy right now, sir.

And I got orders in my ears right now.

Are you the monkey?

This is the monkey guy?

Could you call back, sir, please?

Is this the monkey guy?

Yeah, that's the monkey.

Call back and we're like, when did he say they closed?

30 minutes.

Okay, let's call back in 30 minutes.

We'll call back in 28 minutes, right?

When it's closing up, you know what I mean?

So we don't miss him.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's funny.

He's kind of occupied.

He's like, who's the monkey guy?

He remembers.

Cool, we got him.

I'm going to save that number here in the contacts.

Monkey Burger King.

I think that's a good name for him, right?

He's a good Charlie.

Monkey Burger King?

You think that's a good name?

Yeah.

Monkey Burger King.

Monkey office.

No, monkey has an office.

You said you were like, what, are you going to throw bananas at me?

That's what I actually, I called the title of the show, I called it that.

Yeah, I know, I saw that.

And listen, that's the head opposite.

It is.

Did I tell you?

Actually, it's not that good.

It gets a lot of complaints, but it always works fine for me.

Listen for Android.

That's a Google, actually made that app for podcasts.

Audio only.

You can't use video podcasts with it, but it does the trick.

We need it.

Who cares about video?

I don't want to see your fucking ass.

I don't have a video podcast, dickhead.

So don't fucking watch it then.

Stupid.

What time do they close at one hour time, huh?

Yeah, and they're located in Oklahoma, so I guess they close locally like 11.

And you said they're probably in the ghetto, which is right, if they're closing at all.

Because most of those places don't even close anymore, man.

Mine doesn't.

Monkey.

That was supposed to be Steam Pocket Mop.

Let's try it again.

They're actually blocking us.

Thank you for calling to order the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop.

My name's Nicole. To pull up this special offer, may I have your zip or postal code, please?

Alrighty.

90210.

90210. Thank you.

And for quality purposes, the call may be recorded.

Again, my name's Nicole. And your name, please?

Um, Roy.

I was just wondering who I'm speaking with.

Roy. I said Roy.

Oh, Roy. I thought you asked why. I was like, um, so I know your name?

And do you mind if I call you Roy?

Oh, yeah. You can call me whatever you like, baby.

Right. Thanks, Roy.

Troy, I was just wondering what interested you in our Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop?

Well, you know, my floors are a little dirty.

I haven't swept them or anything in probably about two years.

I figured the Pocket Mop would do a great job.

I mean, you might need to use both the pads you get today to clean the first time,

but that's not a problem.

We'll be able to help you clean it up in just a couple of minutes.

Do you need to use both pads?

You do receive two pads with the...

No, I mean do you use two pads at once to get it all?

No, you'd use one pad at a time.

Okay.

You do get a rectangular head with two pads, a triangular head with two pads,

a concentrator nozzle, the carpet glider, and a two-year warranty with this today.

And it won't leak through the pad?

As far as I know, it won't.

I'm pretty sure it's plastic, so I'm pretty sure you're good on that.

Okay.

Do you have a problem with it leaking through the pad?

um no i've honestly never used one of them i've seen them you've never used a pad i've never used

oh i guess you just use tampons right okay i'm disconnecting the call have a great day

i'm gonna do that in all my calls tonight

for now i was like oh you can call me whatever you like baby all right for now now now i'm when

they're gonna hang up we'll go i don't know why but yeah i had a thought that's where they get

Get you some of those damn pads, dude.

They sell it, well, it's not even that cheap.

Holy shit.

Isn't it four payments of $30, $120, and then you got to call back and get pads?

Yeah.

I promised, didn't you, about the pads?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

You can do it already.

That's cool.

I'll take this one.

Okay.

Thank you for calling to order the Shark Professional Steam Pokemon.

My name's Nicole.

Would you pull up a special offer?

May I have your zip or postal code, please?

Zip code is 12171.

12171.

Thank you.

And for quality purposes, the call may be recorded.

And your name, please?

This is Bill.

All right, Bill.

And what interested you in our steam pocket mop?

I need to clean floors a lot.

And I was interested because the show uses heat powers.

It heats up the water to make steam.

That's correct.

Is that how it makes the steam?

Yeah.

So I don't have to add hot water to it.

It makes the hot steam itself.

Yeah, that's why it plugs into the wall.

How long do you have to have it plugged in before you start steaming?

I don't know.

If you wouldn't mind holding on, I'd be happy to pull that up for you, though.

Very well.

No one's ever asked me that before.

Usually I know.

Does it take a long time?

I don't know if it takes a long time.

As far as I know, it doesn't take a long time, but let me see if I can find that for you.

That way I'm not telling you any lies here, because that's not what I'm here for.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you for being honest.

Not a problem, though.

If you mind holding on one moment, I'm going to ask a supervisor if you don't mind holding for me.

All right.

All right, thanks, though.

Though.

Not here to lie, though.

I'm going to check, though.

Never heard that, though.

Thanks for holding, though.

Though, though, though.

I got a premise.

Well, I got mine.

I'm good, all right?

I know, but we'll call it after this.

Okay.

No hook, man, there?

Yeah.

Bill?

Hey.

Thank you for holding.

I'm sorry about that.

Unfortunately, we don't have an exact amount of time.

Those sort of instructions would be in the instruction manual that comes with the machine.

But you do have a two-year warranty on the machine if anything happens where it takes a long time irregularly to warm up.

You'd be able to call customer service, and they'd be able to help you with that, okay?

Well, I hope it doesn't take a long time, Susan.

I give my name to Nicole, and as far as I know, it doesn't take a very long time,

just maybe a couple minutes to get everything heated up.

But I'd be happy to get it out to you, Bill.

Obviously, you know today you'd be getting the all-new Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop

with three different levels of steam control that way you can clean and sanitize every floor in your

home oh yes normally i know that i'll like right and normally that would be five payments on today's

call you're getting them off for just four easy payments for 39.95 plus the free shipping and

handling what do you apply are there some what do you put on it is it like the swiffer where you

have to have these pads on it i'm guessing from the commercial um what it is is like uh an enclosed

closed so it's like a zipper closed pad so you just put the one side in of the mop into the pad

and then zipper close around the edge of it how long are the how long are the pads good for how

many uses um usually four to six months if you use it regularly i mean if you're only using it

once a month it's probably gonna last you a couple years and it comes with how many pads

um you get two regular pads for the rectangular head and two triangular pads for the triangular

angular head so a total of two different heads and four different pads okay so how long i mean

four pads six months each pad 24 months two years you're saying approximately give or take depending

upon how often you use it no wait a minute now two years from now and i need more pads and i'm

out of this money i'm out of pads and that's it it doesn't work anymore so you're telling me it's

180 out of the four payments and then i can't use it after two years no i mean all you have to do

call customer service and they'd be able to set you up with some more pads if you're still actually

if you're still in business gyro pro and shark have been in business for uh quite a few years and

all of our products are backed by um different warranties this one actually has a 60-day money

back warranty yeah but we're talking about two years from now and you're i'm just scared that

i'm going to make this investment in this machine here to cook vegetables and clean the floors

and the next thing i know i need more pads and what am i going to do the business is out of

business you ever heard of montgomery ward that store they were the most powerful store in the

world and they're gone i used to work on montgomery awards i used to sell belts and leather appliances

no more not anymore well i mean as far as i know we've been in business for a while and there's

not been any large problems i mean if there is a problem customer service deals with it

very well i've actually called customer service myself because i do have several different sharks

um listen appliances i bought a tv from circuit city with a five-year warranty you know what

happened to circuit city three months after i bought this five-year warranty closed out of here

gone guess what just happened a week ago tv tv doesn't work right doesn't have the color green

on it anymore and guess what i try to call sir i went to circuit city out of business went to

circuit city online it was some other company now no more circuit cities so i need some kind

I'm trying to guarantee that Shark Mop Incorporated is going to be open here in two or three years

and I'm not going to get the runaround again because this has happened to me twice.

I bought a lawnmower from Montgomery Ward with a warranty

and Montgomery Ward went out of business the next year.

I bought from Circuit City a Circuit City brand TV and it went out of business.

No more warranty.

So can you ask the supervisor if you guys are going out of business any time in the next five years?

I mean, they pay us to take their phone calls for them,

so I highly doubt they're going to go out of business anytime soon.

Well, can you look in the book and see if it says if there are any plans?

There's no book.

I mean, if they were going out of business,

they wouldn't be paying us to take their phone calls overnight.

But they might publish it in their earnings report to the board.

I haven't seen anything, and I've looked through all of my information for the day.

Can you ask the manager about the meeting of the board of directors,

is the last one if they mention anything about them closing in the next year or two i'd be happy

to ask if you don't mind holding for one moment okay thank you thanks yes thank you for holding

um no there has not been any plans to close or to minimize or anything like that we're planning to

keep everything going as it's going um and actually get bigger if uh the business allows it is the

company solvent right now i'm not really sure what solvent means i'm sorry well solvent that it has

has enough funds to pay off all its debts as well as its bills

and accounts receivable and accounts payable, let's say, for the next year or two?

As far as I know, we're completely covered with that bill.

Well, what's the market cap currently on the company?

I don't know. That's not my job to know.

Well, can you find out for me?

Unfortunately, that's the kind of information that I'm not provided.

That's provided to upper management.

What I can do for you, Bill, is get you our customer service number,

and they can answer those kinds of questions.

I need you to write this down, write this information, and follow up with me.

Send me an email, follow up with me as soon as you get a chance, okay?

I can't, I can't.

Do you have a computer there?

Yes, but we're not allotted outside Internet access,

aside from what we have available to us.

Well, do you have, I mean, you can use Yahoo Mail.

It's free.

No, sir, we can't.

We're on an intranet.

We're not allowed to provide information from our facility to outside facilities.

The reason we do that is because we deal with credit cards, home addresses.

us is we don't want your information getting out to the public if you don't have it there listen i

want i'm with mr i'm with mr magic cleaning company and i want to buy a purchase about

1 000 of these but i need some kind of assurance that you're not going to be going out of business

and we can keep you as a supplier now do you get any type of incentives for making sales yourself

personally i do get commission off of these sales what kind of commission do you get i get one

percent of everything that's sold and how much how much is the steam mop if i get the steam

mop how much is it if you get one steam mop by itself it's 159 dollars and 80 cents all right

so let's say i'd be a hundred a hundred hang on 160 times 1000 and times zero zero one percent

of that what would that be i'd be happy it's gonna be one thousand six hundred dollars would

you there's a thousand that for you that that's a nice chunk of change for me but it's not my job

to hand you something if you don't believe in the clock listen what i can do for you bill is i can

I can get you one.

You can try it.

If the people in your company like it and you find out it works for you, feel free to call.

I mean, I'd be happy to make the commission off it, but if you don't believe in the product and the company,

why am I going to sell you 1,000 of them?

That's not my job.

Listen, I'm just, look, I want to give you the $1,600.

I want you to have it.

I want to make, I'm ready to make an order for 1,000 pocket mops right now.

I will give you my credit card.

I have it right in my hand.

But I need to get some kind of assurance here.

This is between me and you.

If you can, you know, you want a credit card number?

I can't take the credit card number until I get to that section of the scripting.

That's number one.

And number two, I can only process, I think, either three or six at a time.

In order to get a bulk like that, you have to call customer service or go to the Sharks website.

So what's the maximum you can sell me right now?

Either three or six.

It depends.

It's different for every campaign I run.

Well, put me down for six.

And do your little talking thing, and then we'll do it for six.

Okay.

What I can do for you is I'll get you the most we can get you out today.

Obviously, you know our Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop has the different levels of steam control.

It has three levels.

Three of them, actually.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're going to be paying four payments of $39.95, I'm sorry, free shipping and handling,

and you're also getting the Shark Portable Steamer for all of your above-floor cleaning with your order.

You saw that on the TV.

Normally, that's $100.

We're going to include it absolutely free to you just for trying the Steam Pocket Mop.

Oh, thank you.

So we'll go ahead and start your order today.

And I know you said you wanted six, right?

Yes.

Okay, we'll put you down for six.

And I have your first name as Bill, B-I-L-L.

Mm-hmm.

Last name is Cross.

C-R-O-S-S?

Yes.

Thank you.

And which card would you prefer to use today, Bill?

My Visa.

Okay.

And the card number four digits at a time when you're ready, please.

4-3-5-6.

4-3-0-0.

1-0-2.

Now, if you want that last number, I'll make you a deal.

You find out that information for me, and I'll give you that last number.

What exactly do you want me to find out so I can get the correct information for you, Bill,

so we can get you out your 16 possumers?

The market cap of the company, the stock value of closing bell,

the price of preferred stock of the company,

and just an assurance that in the last most recent, you know, there aren't any plans.

You said that there weren't any, but I want you to make extra sure for me.

There aren't any plans to close up, and if you do this for me, I will give you the last number.

We'll put it through, and then I'm going to follow through with customer service

and order the rest of the order, the large order I'm going to make, probably about 900 of them,

and I'm going to make sure that they put it down for your credit for you to get the commission.

You're going to have a lot of money, over $1,600 in your pocket.

it um this is my assurance to you my guarantee to you that you'll be very happy with this okay

i appreciate that bill unfortunately it wouldn't be credited to me there's no way to do that but

again i do appreciate it um i'm gonna check with my supervisor if you don't mind holding and see

if i can get some answers for you okay i don't know that he'd have these sort of things available

because stock prices do change on a daily basis well just whatever it last closed at okay i'll

see what i can do for you if you wouldn't mind hold on for a moment for me okay thank you

Selling to her, everybody.

Bill?

Yeah.

Thank you for holding.

Unfortunately, my supervisor said that we're not allowed to provide that kind of information to you.

You'd have to call customer service because it does vary on a constant basis,

and we're not directly involved with meetings on a day-to-day basis like the customer service representatives have available to them.

All right.

I can get you that customer service number.

Again, I do appreciate your patience during this.

Sorry about that.

I'm willing to get you that last number.

and have 62 orders, 62 easy orders of six pocket mops at a time,

directly to you, equaling over $1,600 in commission in your pocket.

If you're interested, then get this information out in the mail right now.

There's no way for me to do that, Bill, but I can get your customer service number.

I'm more available Monday through Saturday from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern Time,

and you can reach customer service by calling toll-free at 1-800-798-7398.

The web address is sharkseamop.com, S-H-A-R-K-S-T-E-A-M-O-P.C-O-M.

Again, I do want to thank you for calling, and I do hope you have a good day.

One last question.

Hang on.

One last question.

All right.

Go ahead.

1,600, right, divided by 4.

Mm-hmm.

What would that be?

Do you have a calculator there?

It would be $400.

So 400 boxes of this.

If a box of tampons is $4 each, you'd be able to get 400 boxes of tampons.

Have a good day.

400 boxes of tampons.

You don't want these tampons?

I'm going to send them out to the milty.

She was a jerk.

Call back.

You want to call back, Artie?

I want to ask about an accessory they have.

All right.

We're going to do one more of these, and then we've got more numbers to do.

Then people are like, all you do is do a pocket mop.

All right.

Thank you for calling to order the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop.

My name's Brandon.

May I pull up the special offer, ma'am, for your zipper postal code, please?

90210.

How you doing, Brandon?

90210?

Okay.

Yep.

I'm doing fine.

How are you?

I'm good.

I was wondering what kind of accessories does the pocket that I can buy, too.

Well, I'm glad you asked that question.

Well, for quality purposes, this call may be recorded here.

Now, okay, the accessories.

Here we go.

Well, we do have certain packages.

One would be...

Well, do you sell the chain for the mop?

The chain?

Yeah.

Explain the chain.

I don't recognize the chain, but we do have other...

Should I say in the mop packages, we do have certain packages where...

Well, it's basically a chain that attaches itself to, like, my wife's ankle

so that it's always near her so she can clean up the messes, you know?

Okay.

Well, no, we don't have a chain for the pocket mop

in order to tend it to your wife's ankle, but...

Is there an accessory to attach it to the chain that's already attached to my wife's ankle that keeps her in the bedroom?

No, sir.

No, there isn't.

Okay.

Well, is there any accessory that gives my wife more incentive to clean?

Yes, there is, actually.

We do have a professional package where basically there would be additional mops here as well as...

Would it have a clip stimulator?

Say again?

Would it have a clip stimulator?

Does it have a clip?

A clip, actually?

No, a clip stimulator.

No, it does not, actually.

Okay.

Well, what does it have, then?

Okay.

Well, what it would have is also an anti-calcium bottle.

Hold on.

I hate to interrupt you again.

Does it vibrate at all?

No, unfortunately, it does not.

Okay.

Will it help her cook at all, like steam the vegetables?

No, no, it will not.

Sorry.

Okay.

Because, you know, like if it blows steam out, it could steam vegetables.

And while she does need some help in the kitchen, her cooking fuck sucks.

Well, I wouldn't prefer using it in the kitchen for steaming vegetables, so I'd prefer it on hard floors and bathrooms as well.

What about after you fry the chicken to steam that?

No, I wouldn't recommend that either.

Okay, what about like heating up some grape soda to steam it or heating up some cauliflower?

Okay, well, I wouldn't recommend that.

Food-related items, I wouldn't recommend to steam them at all.

What about some collards?

I wouldn't recommend any.

Strictly floors and garbage.

Or watermelon?

No, not at all.

But you know what?

Thank you for calling the Shock Professional Steam Pocket Mop and have an excellent day.

You too.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

Thank you.

That added to it.

I'm sorry.

He almost laughed at the beginning.

When you asked him something, he almost laughed.

Huh?

I'm sorry.

I cracked there.

My bad.

My fucking wife, Jane.

You almost laughed at that at the beginning

But then

It would have been so great if I got a woman

Yeah

Well we'll call him later but let's mix it up a little bit

Remind me before we end the show

We'll do more Pocket Mom

Yeah

Milkman you there still you driving a car

Honk your horn

We got Lonesome Loser numbers

We got Request a Prank so let's see where we start

Moving on I'm going to hit Nunu up first

Because he's been winning patiently

Occasionally, the MSC3 Clay sent in some numbers.

Mikey129, I think, sent in one.

And we got lonesome numbers, and we'll get the request of pranks.

We'll knock some calls out of here.

You know what I noticed?

My appetite is a little lower since I started taking Zoloft.

Zoloft, it might have that effect.

I don't know.

I'm not a doctor.

That's good.

Ask your doctor.

I don't know.

No, Adderall knocks your appetite down.

I know that.

Yeah, and plus, it probably burns more calories because it's an upper.

Yeah.

And Baz also sent in numbers.

Everybody, remember, Baz.

Big baby Baz.

All right.

Fern Creek High School.

Isn't that in Orlando?

Fern Creek?

I don't know.

It's fucking cold here now.

Dude, it's cold everywhere.

Milkman said it's cold in San Francisco.

It's down in the 30s here.

It's down in the 30s over there where you're in Volusia County, right?

Low tonight's a 51, though.

Huh?

Where?

What?

51 is the low tonight.

Oh.

Well, what's my mom telling me?

It's going to be in the 30s.

When was this morning?

Is she counting Celsius?

I guess.

Puerto Rican.

Actually, 50 degrees Fahrenheit might be around 30 degrees Celsius.

I don't know.

What the fuck do I know?

I know negative 40 is the same on both.

Is that what it is, metric, in the metric system?

Yeah.

Cool.

How many minutes are in an hour?

There is a metric hour.

There's a metric hour.

Oh, shit, what time is it?

Oh, we got to call the Burger King.

Oh, we're good.

57.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

What's going on?

What's up?

This is Gene.

This is Cross, Bill Cross.

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for you, Gene.

This is him.

Okay.

So, what's going on?

Oh, shit.

I heard you got a problem with black people.

I heard you have a problem with black people.

I got no problem with black people.

Well, we've got you written down that you have a problem with black people.

I'm with the NAACP.

I ain't got no problem with no black people.

My stepdad's black as charcoal.

Well, you're imitating black people, but you're not black a lot.

And you're you're making fun of them apparently a lot because you talk like them on text and Facebook

They got a report here

It says that you've been leaving messages on Facebook acting like you're black

But you're white and that you're imitating and making fun of the black man

Well, listen, I want you to know that the original black man original man is the black man

Okay, the mothers and fathers of the earth or the black man honor your mother and your father and your days will be longer

Well, how do you get my number?

I'm a 5%-er.

You understand?

I'm from the nation of...

How the fuck do you get my number?

We got it from the nation of Islam.

The nation of Islam.

Yeah, they're out looking for...

The nation of Islam, this dick.

How dare you.

How dare you call and disrespect me, dude.

Listen, black's not a race.

We're not in a race with anybody.

We're winning.

Look, my stepdad right here can tell you he's black as a shark.

Shut the fuck up, suck a dick, bitch.

So he's not your dad.

He's your stepdad.

Man, shut the...

So you're not black, then.

Man, I'm white as day.

What the fuck is your dumbass ignorant problem?

Are you fucking ignorant?

Do you got a dick in your ass while you're calling me?

You're ignorant making fun of black people making fun of the way they talk.

We don't appreciate that.

Man, I ain't ignorant because I talk the way I talk, man.

This is the way I fucking grew up, bro.

Do you get pulled over by the cops for no reason like I do?

I'm black and you hear how I talk?

Man, I'm listening.

He's really making me, like, laugh.

I'm a black and I don't talk like that.

Why do you have to talk like that and you're not a black?

Say what?

I'm a black, and I don't talk like that.

Really?

That's right.

Now, come off the head.

Every year.

Take a hit on the dick, man.

What's up?

Take a hit on the dick.

What's up, redneck?

What?

That redneck that you got, Lee Ellen, back there.

What's his problem?

You call him a redneck, man?

We call him a redneck.

We call you a redneck.

He's a piece of shit.

Racist ass.

Racist ass redneck.

Hey, let me tell you something.

You little son of a bitch.

I am 100%, 1,000%, 1,200% a black motherfuckin' man

that will whip your motherfuckin' ass if you don't quit college.

Whatever.

Cracker.

You want to tell me how black I am?

You want to tell me how black I can get?

Give me your number.

Let me know your address.

I'll come get it and steal your woman.

Honky.

Man, shut the fuck up.

Honky-ass Cracker.

Yep.

That guy you had talking to me just now.

Dude, he's black as day, man.

Motherfuckin' ass.

Now, come.

You want to see how red I can get?

You want to hear me?

What do you do over there since you call it all unavailable, bitch?

Can you put him back on the phone?

I need to ask him something to see if he's black.

You want to hear me, Chris?

He said he needs to ask you something to see if you're black.

What?

What do you want to know?

Can you hear me?

Sir, can you hear me?

Yeah, what do you say?

There are three fruits in front of you.

Which one do you go for?

A, apple, B, peach.

He said there's three fruits in front of you.

Which one do you think?

Which one?

I'm going to pick.

Apple.

Is it apple?

Peach.

Peach?

Watermelon.

I'm going to pick, motherfucker.

Take that with a slab of watermelon on top of it.

Wrong.

It's water.

The answer is watermelon.

You're white.

Dude, she just said watermelon, dumbass.

Who was the first president of the United States?

Was he a white man or a black man?

He was a white man, dumbass.

The first black president ever was Barack Obama.

Wrong.

Who was he?

Wrong.

Who was he?

It was Jim Henson, and he was black.

What?

It was Jim Henson, and he was black.

Jim Henson?

Jim Henson was created as a fucking muppet.

He wasn't a muppet president, dude.

Last question.

If he gets this right, he is black.

Are you fucking dumb, Uncle Mary?

Because seriously, it's like, how white is it?

Which of these countries did Jesus go to college at?

A, Saudi Arabia.

B, Egypt.

C, England.

What's this, dude?

I'll follow that for you.

okay all right see how good your head is okay if you walked in on your mom again

fucked by 10 guys hey what you gonna do are you gonna be like mom why you got a dick in your mouth

a dick in your ass a dick in your twat you're jacking off the other guy you're jacking off

the other guy while the other dudes are getting fucked in your ass wait a minute are you gonna

join wait a minute are you gonna turn around walk out and be like fuck it that's my phone for you

I don't understand. Can I get my translator on the line? Translator? Artie?

Hello?

Can you explain that again? My translator will translate that.

What are these Negroes saying?

Where do you live at, dude? Can I ask you that question?

Where do you live?

We live in Rory, New Mexico.

New Mexico?

How about this? If you call my phone again, I'm going to go find your mama because you told me what your name is.

So I'm going to get your records after this phone call, okay?

No! I'm sorry, please.

She'll take away my Nintendo Wii.

Come on, sorry.

We're just joking around.

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm going to go fuck your mom in the end, dude.

No.

I'm going to go fuck your mom so hard, dude,

that she's going to be calling me daddy in the end.

Don't call my mom.

Daddy, yeah, how about this?

I'll take you and your mom and drop your asses off on 34th Street,

dress her as a kid member, and let them be like motherfuckers.

Can you put him back on the phone?

There's a bitch in the background.

He's funny.

That white guy is very ignorant and very racist back there saying bad words.

When you go to Burger King, do you get a chicken sandwich?

Do you get your computer at the rent-a-center because you can't afford to get it on credit?

I don't think this is...

If that's the case, then you're black, and I believe you.

Who the fuck are you?

We're with the Nation of Islam.

We ain't no Nation of Islam. Who the fuck are you?

That's bullshit.

This is Nat.

My name is Nat X

I'm with the Nation of Islam

And you're on the line

With my whitey translator

Yeah Burger King

Shit

Damn it

I was gonna call them back

Let me have the Burger King

The manager might be there alone

Yeah

It might be in the cage

You taking it?

Yeah

Okay

Look at this

Why'd you hang up the phone?

Man

What the hell is my phone?

Listen

Just explain to me

Why

Why are you imitating

And making fun of black people

Good black people

Like myself

And Brother Malcolm

Freaking yes

You take it, though.

I'll take the next one.

Not answering at the Burger King.

You think they're just not there, or they know it's us?

He might have known because I made the monkey comment.

He's like, oh, that guy's calling again.

Let's try it like 10 minutes.

Yeah, we'll try it again.

They're busy cleaning.

Yeah, he took his time last time.

Remember, he said it was already closed the last time we called.

It was pretty late.

It was after 1.

It was like 1.30 when I called the last time around.

Remember, it was a late show.

What comes up on Call of Duty Unknown?

I guess if it's a cell phone, it comes up as unknown,

known, but Milkman says it comes up with a name.

Milkman, you said...

You got a number, right?

Yeah, mine says unknown, but I mean, sometimes

it has like a 661.

I think it's hit or miss. I don't know.

Is it Google Voice or is it Skype?

No, I called you on

Skype, but I can Google Voice

too as a backup if I need to.

Yeah, call on Google Voice because

that has a number

on caller ID, right?

Yeah, call it on Google Voice.

That'll be funny.

Okay.

I'm just kidding.

Okay, if I can see paste.

No, that's print.

The monkey has an office.

I really like that one.

I know you already keep saying it.

I think there's Olaf kicking in.

You sound a little happy.

I feel high.

Maybe that wasn't Olaf.

Let me read the label.

I really don't think you should be mixing them.

This is Burger King.

I got out of the stock in five years.

Hey, Poto.

Yes, hi.

I need to speak with the manager.

I have a complaint to make.

Okay, this is the manager, sir.

All right, listen.

I got a shake from there.

Uh-huh.

Do you people put, was there a problem with, like, cross-contamination with onion rings or the oil or something with the shake today?

No.

I could taste this in here, onion rings.

I don't know how it's that because our shake machine is nowhere near even your grease.

Well, it got in there somehow.

Maybe someone didn't wash their hands after they used the bathroom or went to lunch or made onion rings.

Well, they said it was, um, what time was this that this happened?

This is during a lunch rush.

Did you call earlier?

No, I have to work.

I just got out of work.

That was my breakfast.

was your lunch your dinner is my dinner your late dinner night is my dinner your

lunch your dinner is my lunch and your lunch is my breakfast do you still have

the receipt with you I didn't get a receipt and I asked for it he said he

was putting in a bag and there was nothing in there it was a black man it

was a black guy that was doing this well that's the one I know what time was this

so you said during lunch what time was it lunchtime like you know between 12

and 2 okay well there's no other there was no black person working at that time

What do I do then?

I don't know what to tell you.

Bye.

Stupid asshole.

I didn't get the same monkey part.

Shit.

Thanks a lot, Artie.

Don't mention that there was also a banana in the bag.

Nope.

Okay.

Nope.

Like 10 minutes.

Yeah, he'll never think of that.

We'll try that.

Yeah, no, actually, I'm not...

You're right, you're right.

All right, that was Burger King again.

I don't know if some losers sent that.

I mean, you sent in a number before that.

Did he say his name?

I don't know.

It'll be on the recording.

We can grab it later.

Yeah, because we've got to figure out his name.

Huh?

We should figure out his name just in case there's two managers working at one time.

I guess.

That's the same guy.

LL sent over information about a deck company.

Lonesome Losers ended up coming from a deck company whose truck took up four handicapped spaces.

Yeah, so I tried to call them and there wasn't an answer.

I'll try again later, but yeah, that's fucking...

That was three weeks ago.

Photographic evidence, a guy who took up four handicapped spaces in his work truck.

What a dickhead, man.

Maybe he thought it was a parallel parking.

Oh, I gotta mute for a minute.

Good.

Fuck you.

Mikey 129, Food Report, McDonald's McRib.

Sucks.

Yeah, I could have told you that.

It hasn't been good in like 15 years, man.

I can't tell you the last time I had a McRib that it was good.

They used to be good when they first came out.

It was sucking.

I never understood why the commercial they showed it had bones and never had bones in it.

I know it was just for looks, but I wanted my bones.

Here we go.

We got it.

From last week.

Lonesome Loser Numbers, by the way.

Asian Cuisine and Sports Bar.

This is the one we called last week and talked about shitting in the toilet.

Shitting in the toilet.

I don't know what happened to Milkman.

The arm is talking to me here on the side, asking me what happened to Milkman.

I do not know.

No arm.

We have no Milkman.

Actually, his call dropped altogether.

We'll have to call him back.

MK Shanku Jin?

Yes, hi.

Hello?

I was calling about the fried rice.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You had the fried rice there, correct?

Yes.

What kind of fried rice?

The kimchi.

You have kimchi fried rice?

Yeah, we have.

Okay, I'm following up.

I had the kimchi fried rice, and I had to let you know something happened.

You had kimchi fried rice?

Uh-huh, and I have to let you know what happened.

You don't have?

No, I ordered kimchi fried rice, and I ate the kimchi fried rice, okay?

And then eight hours later, I had to go to the bathroom.

Are you one more time calling?

Yes.

Excuse me, don't call anymore, okay?

Over here is a business place, and you've got to talk to the doctor first, okay?

But listen, you asked me last week, you didn't know how long it takes.

I don't know, I don't know, everybody don't know.

I'm asking already, everybody don't know, okay?

But I'm telling you.

You're going to ask your friend first, okay?

Write it down.

Don't call over here anymore.

It takes eight hours to take a shit.

It's very good.

There you go.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, hi, Liz.

I just wanted you to write that down.

It takes about eight hours to go to the bathroom after you eat the kimchi fried rice.

Because I found out.

You asked me.

Remember?

You wanted to know.

Hello?

Yeah, you were asking me last week how long it takes.

And I told you I didn't know.

But now I know.

It takes eight hours.

So you wanted to put that on the menu.

that it takes eight hours to go take a shit in the toilet after you eat the rice.

We don't know, okay?

We're just a restaurant, okay?

But I know.

I'm telling you.

I found out.

I ate the rice and I went to the bathroom eight hours later.

I had a bowel movement.

It was good.

A good one.

It was healthy.

It was collected together.

What donut talking?

Huh?

What donut talking?

Yeah, what donut talking over here?

What donut talking over here?

I don't know what you mean.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

I cannot understand what you are talking to region over here.

Why are you calling to over here?

Do you want to order over here now?

Yes.

Okay.

But we cannot talk anything, okay?

Just if over here is a business point, just you want to order, just order.

If you don't want to order, you order to something, it's a different kind, don't call in.

Okay?

Can I make an order, please?

You want to order?

Yes.

But we cannot answer for you everything, okay?

Okay, just order.

Only order only.

Just order.

Okay, you ready?

You ready?

ready okay well you're ready okay one kimchi fried rice okay okay and one toilet don't call

anymore okay bye i'm sorry already now let me call charlie from the toilet already i want you

to call back and i want you to order a kimchi fried rice and then ask her how long for you

to use the toilet and then you're in the toilet still yeah and then i want you to flush the toilet

okay well i'm not done one one i'm not done well no just just do it right now just you know what

what i mean and then do it i hate flushing the toilet when i'm sitting on it then stand up but

i'm not done are you gonna do it or not already if not then forget it i'll do it i'll do it right

no don't say kimchi because they'll think it's you know well you're a different person ask if

they have kimchi fried rice and ask for one order kimchi fried rice and then tell them ask them well

i don't know how long it'll take to take a shit in the toilet yeah and then flush the toilet

all right let's do it let me get this last one out would you like to hear it

I'll have kimchi rice, fried rice.

Kimchi fried rice?

Yeah.

Okay.

But I have a question about it.

What kind of question?

Like, after I eat it, how long is it going to take for me to take a shit in the toilet?

Can you answer that, please?

You're supposed to put the phone in the toilet.

I don't have no answer for that, but maybe you can talk to the one who will cook here, okay?

Okay, let me talk to the cook.

No, you should talk to the cook because you keep calling and you're talking nonsense.

sense we don't have no answer for that the only answer let me talk to the um let me talk to the

cookie rolls overhead just a second may i help you hey is this the cook yeah i have a question

after i eat the kimchi rice how long will it take to make a shit in the toilet you are you're on a

speakerphone can you put your phone off the speakerphone so i i could hear it better excuse

me you're on a speakerphone so i'm not on a speakerphone how long will it after i eat the

rice, how long will it take for me to make it shit in the toilet? I don't know. It depends

on your stomach. So maybe four hours. Can I use your toilet? Yeah, you're going to hit

the toilet after four hours. No, I mean at your personal home. Huh? At your home. Can

I come to your home and use your toilet? Oh yeah, you could. You have a nice toilet? Yeah,

I do. What's it made out of? What's it made out of? It's made out of toilet material that

that everybody use, I don't know man.

Okay, is it comfortable?

I don't know what kind of toilet that I'm using.

Is it comfortable?

I don't know, it's comfortable to me.

Okay, is it comfortable when you're receiving

a blow job from your wife sitting on the toilet?

Not really, not that comfortable.

Have you ever done that?

Ever done that?

No.

You should ask your wife to give you a blumpkin.

It's called a blumpkin, ask your wife for a blumpkin

when she gives you head on the toilet.

Are you jerking off now?

I could talk all night.

Have you ever jerked off on your toilet?

You saying?

Hey, I'm asking you a question, man.

Did you ever jerk off while you're sitting on your toilet?

Oh, yeah, I did. Have you?

No, yeah, I have.

That's how much comfortable I am with my toilet.

I'm doing it right now.

You're doing it right now?

Yeah, I have my pants down and everything.

Good for you.

While I'm making a big shit from your food.

What are you guys, pissing shit in the food?

Maybe it depends on your stomach.

It depends on your stomach.

Why does it depend on my stomach whether you guys shit and piss in the food?

I'm comfortable with your stomach with a kimchi fried rice.

That's what I'm asking.

How comfortable are you with kimchi?

Do you know your freaking stomach?

Who's Kim?

Is she hot?

Yeah.

Is it kimchi?

Is Kim your wife?

Is it kimchi?

Kimchi you just ate, man.

Do you know your stomach?

You don't even know your stomach, man.

What the hell are you talking about?

No, I'm saying did you guys piss and shit in the food?

Because I got so fucking sick.

You got some sick, man.

Do you know your stomach?

No, it's because of you guys.

Howdy, man.

Have you ever eaten kimchi all your life?

Hold on, listen, listen, listen.

It's going to be louder.

When you flushed the toilet, you couldn't hear it well because you weren't holding the phone up to it.

Oh, I held it right down almost above the water.

Well, you have a quiet toilet then.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, it's an environmental one.

It's quiet.

It's a nice toilet.

That's a nice toilet you got there, Milkman.

Milkman.

Artie, this is called Milkman back.

That sounds like a nice toilet.

How come you never let me use your toilet when I was at your house?

You never asked.

Well, then she'll offer.

I have two of these toilets.

You should have offered me to use your toilet.

Hey, Crowley, do you want to use my toilet?

No.

Party, thank you, but no.

Hey, Abidi, do you want to use my toilet?

I would have said that.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is in.

Thank you, no.

Who's this?

Milkman.

When did you drop off?

I've been here a long time.

I don't know why you guys are doing all those calls and stuff.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry.

I didn't have a...

Oh, the burger came back.

The burger came back?

Okay.

I'll talk to him.

We're going to call Burger King back.

No, man, I just, uh, I just, I banked everything, I'm sorry.

What?

Yeah, dude, what happened?

Shit, my phone is dying.

Did you use the toilet at all, Milkman?

No, everybody, you guys have done all those calls and stuff, so I was on hold for a long time, and then finally I got cut off, and...

I'm sorry.

Here I am.

I'm sorry, I just realized, I was like, wait a minute, Milkman isn't here, and already was talking about toilets for a while.

I think it was a turkey club that got stuck halfway.

Probably.

Yeah, I think it's stuck in Florida right now.

Uh-huh.

Hey, don't be nasty, okay?

We're going to call Burger King.

Don't be a nasty grub.

We got Montreal.

We got who?

Montreal?

Sweet.

Exposed.

No answer already.

Actually, I don't even think Burger King has caller ID.

Probably not, but whatever.

He's doing something.

Because I know the Dunkin' Donuts that you know who worked at didn't, and the gas station

she worked at didn't either.

This Burger King has fancy caller ID.

Burger King again?

I'm muting.

Good.

Fucking white.

A lot of numbers not picking up tonight.

nights is one of those slow nights a lot of these restaurants don't want to pick up tonight uh we

got two uk numbers here let me go back to noon because he said he said something about these

lonesome is getting uk numbers in basildon essex there was a big news story there this week where

a bunch of irish gypsies got evicted from an illegal camp there and fought with the police

and shit call people they're using irish voice asking to move your caravan onto their lawn

Those poor gypsies, Milkman.

Milkman, are you on a Lysol?

Did you drop off again?

I'm here.

You're not Milkman.

I didn't hear what you said.

I just heard, did you drop off again?

Excuse me.

Is it okay to snort Zoloft?

Dude, don't ask me.

I don't know anything about pills, man.

I don't do that stuff.

The only pills I do is they're prescribed for me for good reasons.

These are prescribed for good reasons.

I have depression, social anxiety.

You don't fucking snort them.

ADHD.

You take them with a sip of water.

I use milk.

Whatever.

Sometimes vodka.

Don't snort Zoloft.

How many have you taken?

You keep taking them all night.

Just take one.

I only took half.

All night?

You've been like, I'm taking a Zoloft.

I'm taking another one.

I was joking.

You've taken like five of them already.

Cut it out.

No, I've only taken half of one.

All right.

Well, good.

Stop.

Stop playing with pills, man.

Call up Walgreens.

You're going to be playing with pills you know very well.

You have to have like a babysitter around, you know?

Like, not a babysitter, but you know, don't do that shit if there's not people around.

I want to do acid.

I don't care.

UK, shut up.

Sorry.

Yes, hello. My name is Michael. I am in a caravan.

I don't know if you knew that we just got kicked out of the property over here recently.

Pardon? Who are you on? Who do you want to talk to?

I'm a gypsy, and we got kicked off the property.

She screamed. Oh, good heavens.

She screamed, oh, good heavens. Just about.

Yes, hi. Why did you hang up on me?

How are you?

I'm Mr. Gypsy, and I need to park my caravan somewhere because they kicked me off of the land.

No, I'm your private residence here.

Well, I'm coming. I'm going to be there in about five minutes.

Do you have a garden hose you can connect to my caravan?

No.

I'm Michael Gypsy.

No, you.

Well, I'm a gypsy. I used to live in the area, and the police came and kicked me out.

Did you see what happened recently?

I didn't know that, but where are you supposed to be phoning to?

Well, I need somewhere to sleep tonight, so I'm going to...

I haven't got anywhere for you to park a caravan.

Do you have any room on your lawn or your driveway?

I haven't got anything like that.

Well, I'm going to park in front of your house then.

No, I'm not parking in front of my house.

Well, I'm about three minutes away.

I mean, if you don't mind, can you bring me out some water and towels?

You park there, I'll call the police.

Don't you dare.

There'll be trouble for you.

Gypsies, you see, are like the blacks of England, from what I understand.

They're racially profiled a lot, and they're hated.

Are you hit by potatoes?

I don't know.

There are gypsies in America, but they're in, like, such a big deal.

Like, they're in the U.K., and the U.K. is like,

like oh my god the gypsies all over europe everyone's like the gypsies the gypsies aren't

they psychics i i think so but they're not psychics some people call them the roma some

people call them travelers i don't know gypsy give me your tears gypsy she's calling her back

yes i'll take that what do you want yes listen gypsy give me your tears i don't know any gypsies

You're a gypsy.

Oh, is that you, Teddy?

Yeah, talk to my buddy, Cross.

Is that you, Teddy?

Yes.

Yes, that's me.

It's us.

How are you?

Hello.

Who is this?

This is Rolf.

I don't know who you are.

My name is Rolf.

No.

Rolf.

No.

Rolf.

No.

Teddy.

Rolf.

And I need a place to park my caravan.

No, I haven't got anywhere for you to park a caravan.

Is there a man that lives there with you, or is it just women?

I haven't got a driveway.

Do you have a man there that I can sleep with, then?

Pardon?

Do you have a man I can sleep with tonight?

No, you can't.

I want to touch your husband.

No, you can't talk to my husband.

I'm going to touch him and kiss him on the back of his neck.

No, please don't ring me again.

Please, one more time?

She didn't say no.

Artie, you just interrupted my call.

No, what do you want?

You didn't say I couldn't call one last time.

Look, don't call me again.

one more time after this please hello is it okay if i call one more time she got the phone off the

hook never mind okay that was fun the first one was the best was it i'm a gypsy she goes

she hung up the phone like oh my god arty what would you do if gypsies moved in your neighborhood

would you get scared yes very even more scared than the negroes you don't even know what they

are you'd be scared no i don't even know what they are really you know they're good people

you can trust them not all of them not all white people are good what are you trying to say arty

You think you're good?

Hold on, this is what I'm trying to say.

Hold on, hold on.

Dude, didn't you just take a shit?

Didn't you just take a shit?

That's what it sounded like.

You just took a shit and you still had to do that?

What's wrong with you?

I know.

That's gross.

Seriously, if you just took a shit, you should be clear, man.

You shouldn't have to fart like that if you just took a shit.

You got a problem, man.

Do I?

Yeah, if you just took a shit and you still have that in you,

you probably have, you might have cancer or something.

You might have bladder cancer.

Yeah, you better get that checked out.

Tell the doctor what just happened right now.

Are you serious?

I'm not kidding.

All right, we got a bad sentence number before.

I'm finally getting to it here.

A salt and battery fish and chips in Brisbane, Australia.

Battery Josh speaking.

Hey, listen, I need a battery for an 88 Ford Pinto.

A what?

A battery for an 88 Ford Pinto.

Hello?

Yes, is this a salt and battery fish and chip machine in Brisbane, Australia?

Yes.

Listen, I'm from the United States of America.

I'm good.

Good, I'm visiting Brisbane, Australia.

How's the trip going?

Beautiful country you got here, but I need a battery for a car.

It's a Ford Pinto 1988.

Sorry, mate, we're not in that business.

We have batteries here.

Nah, bro, we batter fish.

It says the salt and battery.

Yeah, but we batter fish.

I don't know if you understand because we're not speaking the same language.

I'm speaking English and you're speaking Australian.

Do you have a translator there or someone who speaks English?

Australian's English, you know that, right?

What?

Hmm?

Australian.

Australian and English, the same language.

Yeah, you're an English colony, but you don't speak the same language, though.

American speak.

American?

All right.

All right, have a good day.

Listen, Australia, English colony, right?

That guy's like a stoner.

I'd say Artie if he was Australian.

He'd sound like that.

But he wouldn't be working because Artie doesn't have a job like me.

Yeah, is it true that Australians were all our sons of convicts and stuff like that?

What did you just say?

Is it true that Australians are all convicts, sons of convicts?

Why don't you come down here and say that to me?

Well, that's what I heard.

I read on the news.

Yeah, so who is this?

What are you after, mate?

If you're after, like, an order for fish and chips, I'll take it.

But if you're going to talk nonsense on the phone, then I'm just going to hang up on you.

You're a British colony, and it's full of convicts here, right?

Buddy?

Yes.

Are you after fish and chips, yes or no?

Well, yeah, I wanted to come in and make an order.

I'm visiting.

I'm from the United States of America.

We're the greatest country in the world.

Are you?

Are you the greatest country in the world?

We are from the greatest country in the world.

Are you?

Yes, America, United States.

Yeah?

So what are you after, mate?

Well, I'm asking about if the people who are going to prepare my fish and chips,

are they convicts, like their parents were convicts?

What difference does it make if my parents were convicts?

What are you trying to say, mate?

Your ancestors are convicts because this is Australia.

No, my ancestors are not convicts.

My ancestors are European because I'm from Europe.

I'm not a convict.

This is a penal colony.

Everyone's a convict.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

Can I make a suggestion?

Do you have someone that speaks English there?

Yeah, I speak English.

Can I make a suggestion, mate?

I suggest you don't come down.

And what?

Artie, you're saying you want to call it a night?

Are you still there?

Did you hang up already?

You bitch.

Plonker.

I'm not going to the conference call.

Is it even up anymore?

I think it's gone.

Yeah, Milkman dropped out, and now Evil Artie dropped out.

That's just beautiful.

That's just brilliant.

Atone, please record your message.

You have finished recording.

I hit a button and it called every single number that we've called tonight all at the same time.

I heard people answering.

I heard voicemails.

I heard busy signals.

That was pretty wicked.

Wow.

That was kind of cool.

Hee hee.

But seriously, I've got to try to find evil already here now.

Give me a second.

Sorry for that, folks.

It probably blew your ears off.

But that was literally every single person we've talked to tonight being called at the same time.

That's what you get when you get a blind guy trying to do prank calls.

Hey, sorry about that.

Wow, what's wrong?

You got to take a shit again?

Bye.

Okay, bye.

See ya.

All right, everybody.

Evil already gone.

Tired.

Giving up.

Sore loser.

I was kind of rough on him tonight.

I feel bad now.

Oops.

I can be kind of mean sometimes lately, you know.

It's a bad mood.

This is the health problems and the surgeries and all that.

I'm sorry.

Did you hear another phone call come in?

Everybody that I called tonight got dialed at the same time.

It was really crazy.

That was weird.

Yeah, because you called and I heard, like, about three or four different, like, ringing, all kinds of shit was going on.

There was people, like, answering and people going, oh, and people like, oh.

Yeah, that would be a hell of a thing to start doing regularly, man.

I think it would be awesome at the end of every show we should do that.

I should dial all at once on Skype every person that we called in the show.

Yeah, man, can you do that?

Trigger that to happen?

Yeah, we'll do that.

We'll do that from now on.

But not now.

I already did it once.

I don't want to do it again.

but next week and from now on next week and the week after and the week after that and we'll keep

doing it every week just like that just like i said we'll do that weird sound effect you uh

demonstrated earlier for me uh which one you had that weird sound effect where i couldn't

understand you half the time i said you could like play up the volume and it sounded like you

know somebody was like you had that like speaker thing or some kind of feedback thing going with

the phone speaker phone you want me to do that wow that's amazing where we were talking today

you called me and i said you was coming in and out uh-huh did i remember no you had a stupid

ass speaker phone you're talking on the phone at the same time you're switching back and forth

while we were talking remember no what was that today before the show when we were planning the

show and what happened you had the speaker phone and on at the same time while he's on the phone

and it's sounding really weird.

Hang on, is this it?

That's not it.

I love messing with you, man.

I'm sorry.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Hello, yes.

I am Michael Gypsy.

I need to park my caravan somewhere

because I was kicked out of the neighborhood.

I don't know if you saw that recently with the police.

Did you see that?

What are you talking about?

I'm a gypsy and I was kicked out of the local area

by the police.

I don't know if you saw that recently.

Why are you ringing me?

Well, because I need to park my caravan

on your property now.

I haven't run your garden, so that's not going to work, is it?

Well, I'm going to park in front of your house, then.

Is that okay?

Poor gypsies.

I feel bad for them.

Steal your wallet, Milkman.

You ever had a gypsy?

Been with a gypsy girl, Milkman?

Did Milkman hang up again?

Upset?

Like a baby?

Hello?

Do you have an extra bed I can sleep in, please?

Please?

I'm a gypsy.

I'm your friend.

Okay, he doesn't want to play.

Milkman, are you there?

The line is open.

It says you're connected.

What's going on?

Are you mad because I didn't do a speakerphone for you?

Maybe it's with a customer, I guess.

I don't know.

Let me see what other numbers we got then.

This is Madhouse Radio.

It is 1.45 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That would make it 10, let's see, 12, 11, 10, 10.46 a.m.

The time just changed.

The minute just changed.

Milkman, are you there now?

Hey, I was talking to you.

You were ignoring me.

How rude.

I thought you'd be so rude.

Milkman, so what do you know about gypsies?

They'll steal your wallet.

They'll steal your stuff.

Is that how it goes?

Have you ever seen them before?

I couldn't tell you what a gypsy is if I saw one in person.

I would never know.

And they'll steal your heart doing their most gorgeous, beautiful women.

There's a show here.

It was on the BBC in England, and they got it here in the United States now.

It's like Traveler something.

It's like about gypsies.

God, the girls are fucking good.

Gitana.

Good looking.

The real gypsy girls are the Gitana girls.

Yeah, Gitana.

Gitana.

In Spain, that's what they call them.

Gitana.

Gitana, they call them in Spain.

That's the real gypsy.

I thought they were the Roma people.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

My name is Rex.

I am a gypsy.

Oh.

No.

I haven't called that person yet.

Give me a chance.

I don't...

Oh, shut up.

I didn't even get a chance to do my thing.

Hello?

I am Rex.

I am a gypsy.

Oh, good.

Can I park my caravan?

Oh, man.

Nothing tells me you shouldn't ask.

Let's start off with I'm a gypsy.

Gypsy!

Lifted off the hook that time.

Okay, that's not going to work.

Anyway, Milkman.

And so, gypsies.

Hey.

I am your friend and you're my little chicken, Mikey129.

It's going way back, that's cool.

My little chicken.

What are you talking about?

I don't understand you.

You can call me any words you like.

If you like it, I am chicken.

I am horse.

If you want it, I am horse.

If you like it, I am chicken.

That was the night I kept calling Russia and saying it's just the USSR, and they get really mad at me.

Especially when I called the Ukraine.

Hi, it's the Burgers, how can I help you?

Yes, hi, it's just a burger with the pineapples on it.

Um, no, I don't think so.

You guys put pineapple slices in the burgers and call it a Hawaiian burger.

No, we don't have those.

Teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, Hawaiian burger, ginger, onion, ciabatta roll.

No, we don't do that.

Well, what do you do then?

We just do regular hamburgers.

Well, you take a burger and you put a slice of pineapple on it.

We don't have pineapple.

I have pineapple.

You have pineapple?

Well, you put it on.

Okay, give me one second, okay?

Damn it.

Fantastic burger.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I was going to bring in the pineapple for the chef, the cook,

but that lady said she had to put me on hold.

Okay, hold it for one moment.

Damn it.

The cooks here don't know what you're talking about, pineapple.

The cook said to bring in a can of pineapple.

He's going to grill it and put it on top of a burger.

Did you get the cook's name, and was he from the evening shift?

He was a Mexican guy.

Okay.

They're all Hispanic here.

So what time did you come in?

His name was Jose.

Jose?

Yeah.

One moment, okay?

Okay.

There's no Jose here, hon

I'm sorry

Maybe Jesus

No, there's no Jesus here either

You're more than welcome to come in if you want

And there's a few cooks here

You're more than welcome to come in

There's a few cooks here

Shut up, please

Is there one with the last name Gonzalez?

Pardon me? Don't tell me to shut up, okay?

I said please

You need to call somebody else

I said please

I didn't say please

she's a little guapa you know what i mean yeah who's the lady that was just uh hung up told me

to shut up and hung up the phone she didn't tell you to shut up you told her to shut up no she said

shut up please and she hung up no she said don't tell me to shut up put her back and don't you tell

me to shut up either i didn't tell you to shut up i just did right now again put her on the phone

right now i think i'm gonna show you guys i'm gonna throw something at the cat davi over here

the cat I was talking about earlier

he looks the cutest right now

let's turn the camera on him

see if I can get him on camera here

he's

he looks so comfortable

I don't want to mess with him

he insisted

in coming back in the bedroom with me

before he was all

he was in his crate because he was being a bad cat earlier

and then Athena and me forgot about him here

And Athena came and got him out

And then when I took the break

He started following me

He was all happy and meowing

And headbutting me

And I said alright Davi

You can come in if you want

No problem

And then

Now he's just comfortable there

Yeah there he is

On the futon over there

He was in the catwalk

He got forgot

He's curled up

Like in a fetal position

Hang on let me see

If I can zoom in on him

Let's play some music

While I get this ready

I'm going to throw something at him

And scare him

Oh I can't do it

He just

Look man I can't do it

he's in this thing where he's like having a dream

and he just scratches his nose a little bit

and put his paw back down

I can't do it poor guy

before the show's over I'll do that

I'll throw something at him right now let's let him rest

I'll keep the camera on him though he looks too cute

he's like

don't do that man come on Papa

don't throw another at me poor guy

that was about

I was about to get it in my hand

and I looked and he just did this cute little thing

keep watching keep watching the show

Let's see what other numbers he got.

If you got numbers, send them in.

We got a lot of prank requests here we can do.

That was Fantastic Burgers.

We just called and told the lady to shut up.

We got Big Daddy Burgers.

Let's call him.

I'm just going to tell him to shut up and see what happens.

Can I have these two El Guapo pizza?

Yep.

That'd be cool, those El Guapo burgers.

I think Ted did a prank call once where he said he was El Guapo on the show.

Ted did a show or call in here once.

He said he was El Guapo.

Big Daddy.

Yes, hi.

Big Daddy Burgers, right?

right? Yeah. You want to order? Can you shut up for a second? I wanted to ask you about pineapple

burgers. What? Can you shut up for a second, please? Hello? Okay. Okay. Do you have the pineapple

burger? You put pineapple in the Hawaiian burger? No, we don't. Can I bring in pineapple? We'll

avoid my warranty if I put pineapple on the hamburger. If you want pineapple on your burger?

Yeah. I can make one for you. When are you coming to get it? When do you want me there? Huh? When

When do you want me there?

You know, how long it takes?

It takes about five minutes.

You put the pineapple, is it chunks pineapple or a slice?

No, it's going to be sliced.

Oh, good.

I want you to grill that and put it on the burger.

And then you have sesame seeds?

No, we don't.

Do you have soy sauce?

I do have soy sauce.

Will you put some soy sauce on it?

Okay.

Okay, and what else do you have, adobo?

Do you want lettuce, tomato?

Adobo.

I'm sorry?

Adobo.

No, I don't understand that.

What was it?

Do you have onion?

Oh, onion, yeah.

Okay, and do you have Coca-Cola, soda, or Pepsi?

We have Coke.

All right, put Coke on it, okay?

Okay, so you want a cheeseburger or a hamburger?

A cheeseburger.

Okay, so you want a cheeseburger with pineapple, onion.

Do you want dressing or just the soy sauce?

Soy sauce.

Okay.

And Coca-Cola on it.

And a Coke on the burger?

Uh-huh.

You know what?

I don't think I can make this for you.

No, no.

Okay, no Coke.

I'm sorry.

Do you have salt?

Mm-hmm.

Can you put a whole container of salt?

Okay, put a little salt on it, not seasoned salt.

The whole container.

A whole container of salt?

Shut up.

Can you put, um, do you know shut up?

Let's go.

All right, let's see what we can do with the cat over here.

I'm not into salt for some reason.

You don't even kill your own, right?

All right, everybody.

I'm not going to hurt the cat.

I love my cat, but I'm going to scare him.

I'm going to throw something light at him.

Let me see what I can throw.

Here we go.

I've got the lid to a crystal light container.

We'll throw that at him.

I've got to make sure.

There you go.

He might go chase it.

All right, here we go.

Get the video on it.

We've got to get cat action on video.

He just looked at it.

Did he catch it?

No, he just looked at it.

It looks kind of pissed off.

Look, it's looking at you.

It's like, ew.

It's going back to sleep already.

It didn't take too long.

I ain't getting the fuck up.

Are you crazy?

There ain't even no meat in it.

Sorry, darling.

And he's looking at me like, where'd you do that, man?

That's not cool.

He's like, that wasn't cool, man.

Can't you see I was sleeping?

What kind of master are you?

You locked me in a goddamn box all day.

I just pissed on your book bag.

You know, hell, you know, I need to go, man.

You ever had an emergency?

He's staring at me like, you're an asshole, man.

Oh, yeah, I was just kidding, man.

I'm sorry.

He's staring at me like, you're a jerk.

You is a jerk, man.

Oh, boy, you know, I get it.

we'll get him back later

I'll get him with something even heavier next time

he's going to pee on my head

shit my bed and pee on my head

probably

he did pee in my book bag

and I remember

I told you this

I got so mad when I moved into the condo

that me and Athena lived in Orlando

I had a book bag

that had been with me since I was in middle school

and I always used it

and he came and he peed all over

and I got so mad at him

I flipped out.

He kept peeing in all the corners.

He kept marking the new territory.

I was like, he does this one more time.

All right, Milkman, quiet.

So anyway, I got so mad at him the second time, the time he peed on my book bag.

I took him, and I put him in his crate, and I put him in the shower, and I peed on him.

With the shower on, though.

I turned the shower on, but I peed on him.

I was like, you jerk.

He's looking at me straight.

He's like, you're an asshole.

You got to tell everybody to embarrass me about that.

Asshole.

He said we was over.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this AP Williams?

Yes.

Listen, I need to park my caravan.

I'm a gypsy, and I got kicked out of the local neighborhood.

I'm going to park my caravan in your property.

I do.

I'm going to park it right now.

It's an operating machine.

Duh.

Please leave your message.

Thank you.

I did not know that.

Appreciate it.

I love the video I got up.

Cat.

I gave it a lower third, and it says cat.

He fell back asleep.

I'll let him lull himself into a deeper sleep, and then I will throw something at him.

We will have fun. We will laugh.

It is now 2 o'clock in the morning.

Actually,

no, I think we're at a numbersome, lonesome loser now.

Let's see what we got here from the Request a Pranks.

Oh, God, we got a lot of them.

Holy shit, you guys.

Carried away.

Bradson's in a number three.

Milkman, you still there?

Did I lose you again?

Yeah, I was the first one.

I had to hold off a couple times.

I was available.

You can leave a message after the time.

Well, that sucks.

Didn't get through, but Brad, if you're paying attention,

that's the Christmas tree guy that's been spamming you.

Now we have his personal phone number.

went to his cell phone, and he gave it out.

Ha ha ha. I think it is. It's a local

number now, so he got that to go with.

Uh, but I waited too long to call that, and I'm

sorry, RBCP. I apologize. I'm an asshole.

Yeah. I'm sorry, dude.

Anyway. Uh, Ken.

Ken sent, uh, I'm

no punk bitch. Okay.

Did I call you a punk bitch? I'm sorry if I did.

I didn't mean to, sir. Don't be mad.

Alright. Birding through the last of these requested

pranks, and we'll be calling it a night. This is Madhouse

Radio. If you get any last-minute ones you want to get

in, go ahead. I may be able to get to it.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio, MSN Messenger, MadhouseAtLive.com.

You can also send them in via Twitter.

Madhouse is his name.

What do you say for that anyway?

Madhouse is my what on Twitter.

Or you can send in a request to prank using the request to prank form over at MadhouseLive.com.

We got a 24-hour hate crime incident number.

Jack Masterson could report a hate crime, fatism, or anti-American fatism by Youngie.

This is a number in the UK apparently, I think.

Yes, it is. In the UK.

Milkman, are you going to be able to get us out of here in a little bit?

Very soon. In about 10 minutes.

All right. That's enough time.

Please wait. Your call will be connected to an office.

Good morning. You're through to Spatial Instant Line.

Hi.

Yes. My name is Jack. I'm an American, and I weigh 482 pounds.

Sorry, you're American, and you work?

482 pounds I weigh, and I was discriminated against.

You feel you're being discriminated against?

Yeah.

Okay, due to the money that you receive for your work?

Not necessarily.

You see, what happened is that when I go to work, they have this tram that you're supposed to take, okay?

They have a train?

The train takes you into the cave, down into the mine where you collect rocks or gold that they used to make computers, okay?

Where they used to make?

Computers.

And where is this?

This is in the UK.

Yeah, so they put me on the tram and I didn't fit inside.

The lap bar wouldn't go down.

They put you on the train?

And the lap bar won't go down.

And the which won't go down?

The lap bar.

The lap bar?

Yeah.

It's a bar for the lap that's supposed to keep you inside.

It won't go down?

Because I'm too heavy.

And I said, you're supposed to accommodate me.

And they made fun of me.

And I said, no, we don't have to.

And they said, stupid American like that.

Is it that you feel you're being discriminated against?

Is that about conveying you or the amount of money that you earn?

The tram needs to be bigger.

They need to have a special tram just for me.

And they make fun of me, and I don't like that.

My feelings were hurt.

And then the other day, they ordered 10 pizzas for everybody, and then it's 20 of us.

And they said, everybody, it's time for lunch. Come get pizza.

And then they had us all sit down, and the guy took one pizza, and he said, okay, this is for us.

And then he took the other pizzas, and he gave them to me.

He gave me nine pizzas, and he took just one for 19 people.

and he said that the other nine pieces out of the ten were just for me to eat by myself.

Would you like to leave your name and address and where the incident is occurring?

Will you be able to sue them for fadism?

I pass this information on to the police and they would deal with it accordingly.

I can't tell you exactly how they would handle it.

Well, I want them to arrest the people who are making fun of me.

Would you like to give me your name?

This is Jack Masterson and I weigh 482 pounds.

And where do you live, Mr. Masterson?

I live in Bristol, England. Bristol. Yeah.

What's the name of the road you live in?

Winchester.

Winchester Road?

Yeah.

That is where?

Bristol, England.

Can you say again the last bit of the address?

Bristol.

What town do you live in?

Bristol.

What?

Yeah. And then the other day I got into a helicopter and the helicopter crashed because I was so heavy.

So I want to sue the helicopter people.

What's the deal with that?

Will the police come and arrest my boss tomorrow and everyone else?

I want them to drag the people out by their hair,

and I want them to handcuff them behind their backs.

And then I want the police to hit them with sticks.

Have you spoken to them?

No.

Does the police here abuse the prisoners?

I think you need to speak to the police.

Where do you work?

I work in Valente Mining Company.

That was a weird production right there that we just heard.

Thank you.

How's Dobby doing over there?

Looks like it's changed positions.

The cat has.

Stay tuned for the end of this show coming up where I will scare the cat and throw something at him.

Heavy.

Don't miss it.

Was that a good call, Coconut?

I don't think it was that good.

All right.

She's just too skeptical.

Right.

and uh we get a number for a guy named ben he thinks he can become an actor and is going to

school to be one tell him he got the job to act as a gay high school student being bullied um

all right something tells me that may not be a good idea i don't know sorry there listener i

think we might pass on that uh please do it again man i want to start bitching on facebook michelle

okay the one from before oh so you did have me call her again buys his boss you're having me

call people multiple times and that's not fair that's not fun or funny i'm kidding it's all

right if you do that i know we get excited man we want to call people a lot at the same time but

it doesn't always work that way they don't uh you know they just don't pick up after a while

craigslist number all right craigslist number this asian lady has a skinny tall one

but first you know the most important question right what you know the most important question

It's going to have to be determined before the end of it closes up the conversation.

Yes, I know.

Don't forget that.

All right.

This Asian lady is a skinny, tall one who is selling her size 4 dresses.

Ooh, size 4.

Ooh, with double Ds?

I don't know.

In her auction are Korean designer heels, too.

She even posted a couple panties.

Okay.

I called her a few times inquiring about cunty panties and cum-stained dresses.

That didn't make her happy.

Eventually she modified the Craigslist ad to

Do not call from any blocked numbers

Weirdos and perverts will be tracked down

And reported to the police

I'm completely fed up

But I mean it

This is in San Francisco there

Milkman over there where you are

Where at? I need to find out

I gotta do some research

Where is this place?

I know you like the Korean girl

She posted she wants to sell her panties

Or clothes

She's auctioning them off

But she changes

Yeah, dude.

That'd be hot, man.

You know what Kim Chi Chase looks like, right?

Oh, boy.

New with tags.

How long does it take, though?

How long does it take?

I don't know.

New with tags.

Black stretch panties.

Size 6.

Ooh, she's a size 6.

Gorgeous lavender slinky dresses.

Ring neck collar style.

That's too little, man.

We're going to have to speed her a little bit there, man.

Get her up to speed, dude.

She's got bridesmaid dresses, prom dresses.

She's got pictures of herself in them.

She looks like she's got a little sexy little thing on her, man.

Yeah, man.

You get one that little, dude, you're easy to hurt, man.

And she's selling us.

Especially in the back.

Yeah, because, like, you know, man, they can't take a good pile drive.

It could be a problem.

All right.

Who sent this in?

This has been a while, but it's funner to call them late.

Almost midnight over there where you guys are.

This is Tabachi who did this, and he already called a few times, but let's call it.

Probably won't answer.

I think it's a little too late, but we can try it.

You're right.

This show does need a title.

I don't have no idea what it's going to be tonight.

Any suggestions in the chat room, send them in.

We're wrapping things up, as I said a thousand times already.

Hi, this is Ellen. Please leave a message. Thank you.

At the town, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may...

Ching-chong-ching.

Milkman, I'll send her cell phone number to you there,

because you're in the area, and I know you like Asian girls,

and maybe you can make an offer for her panties.

Right? I might like that.

Milkman, are you done with your customer yet?

Hello? I guess not.

Someone sent in a number that said,

our premise is whatever the hell we want to do.

It's a China King in Oklahoma.

They're going to be closed now.

It's too late.

I think we've got one left here.

This might be the end.

This is the end of the road.

Tabachi.

Send in a number there.

I would say Tabachi.

What'd you send in?

A number in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Vietnamese noodle restaurant Pho.

Had a business meeting here.

Oh, that's good shit, man.

Awful service from non-English cunts.

The place.

Together.

Nothing wrong with that.

Kokanee around there?

Kokanee around here.

Yes, Kokanee is here.

That number's not going to work.

Asian restaurant in Pennsylvania is most definitely closed at this time

so I guess that would wrap up

prank call requests here for the show

let me check one last time here, lonesome, nothing

noo noo, nothing else, Baz sent in one number

and I think we did it already, let me double check

make sure Baz didn't send in another number

I've been trying to get better at getting through to all the requests here

unfortunately I waited too long, I did get to a lot of them

but there were a lot of requester pranks coming in from Tabachi and the others

and it just got a little too late.

Yeah, it looks like Baz only sent them the one number.

So we're in the clear.

We are clear, everybody.

Clear.

Milkman, are you done with your customer?

Yeah.

You are.

Well, I'm sad to say, Milkman, I think that's the end of the show.

We had fun.

Oh, no, dude.

Yeah, it is.

I'm tired, man.

It's like 2.30 in the morning here.

What do you think?

Who do you think you are?

All right, dude.

This orange crusher will be for you.

I'm dedicated.

Get us out of here, Milkman.

All right, bro.

Well, everybody,

I want to point out once again,

Again, even though the time grows nigh, every week, you remember, you'll find us right here.

You need a fix, you need a laugh, you need to get somebody's chops busted, send them our way.

You know where to find us.

We've got our major hitman, leader of the hit squad, the numbers hit squad out there.

The numbers hitman, so awesome loser every week, with his huge rail gun, out there blasting them out of the sky.

I tell them we'll be proud. We've gone beyond that.

So thank you, though, especially all of our friends here in the chat.

Everybody over at Cacti Network

Kokanee, my brother

MSG2 Play

Our homosexual representative in the UK

Mr. Nunez, thank you so much

Everybody else who joined us

All of our friends at Cacti, thank you so much as well

I'd like to thank you also

Our listeners, that's right

Our dedicated, beloved listeners

We do this every week for you

100% for free

We provide the content

All we ask is that you share the time

Drop by, share a laugh

Bring a friend, and better yet, bring an enemy.

Come on over and see it.

That's right, everybody.

Same, I'm saying my channel right here.

Don't miss any T-Mobile on the Madhouse.

Hermanito.

Juan Pito himself.

Thank you so much, my brother.

Thank you so much.

Also, Evil Artie.

I hope that your diaper rash gets better, and thanks a lot.

It was very interesting.

And Hermanito, my big brother, it's over to you, brother.

Thank you.

All right, everybody, let's reiterate some things.

Thank you, Milkman, of course, for being on the show, EvilRD, LonesomeLoser, Mikey129, Nunu, Baz, RBCP, and everyone else who sent in numbers today via the request of Prank and other avenues.

Thank you very much.

The Dwarf Crush is for you, man.

Thank you.

Enjoy that.

You shouldn't be doing that while you're driving.

And, yeah, I just want to say what's up to everyone who visited the chat room.

We had a lot of people in there today that we haven't seen in a while, and our good friends, Gang Green, and they're also now, I noticed, Ted Webb was in there, Venison, Legend's in there tonight.

and I don't think Legend's ever visited us in our IRC before.

That's pretty cool.

Good seeing you.

Legend's a funny dude.

Legend is a taxi driver also, Milkman.

He drives around during shows taxi driving also, just like you.

Legend, all right.

Who's that?

Legend.

Legend is one of the—

Legend, that's my name.

He's got my old name.

Oh, you're Legend?

Okay, cool.

That's my old name.

The very thing people love about Legend.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, man.

Milkman has a stalker.

Okay, all right.

Well, folks, it's been great.

Great, let's go ahead and do that thing with the cat.

Hang on.

Cut the music, Milkman.

You don't mind.

Thank you.

I like this part.

Video of the cat.

Time to get everyone to make sure you're looking at the video.

If you're listening on the podcast, this will not be entertaining.

But I got an empty gallon of milk here.

Empty gallon of milk.

Well, it's actually a water gallon, but it's a gallon.

Empty drink gallon.

And we're going to throw this at Dobby the cat right now.

I'm not going to hit him hard with it.

I'm going to aim for right next to him just to startle him.

Hopefully I don't hit him, but it's just to scare him.

I'm going to hit that pillow, that leather pillow next to him.

He'll be like, what?

Dina's going to get pissed off when she finds out I did this, but whatever.

We won't tell her.

No, you guys won't tell her.

I know, I know.

If I can find the right sound effect that I play here, where is the timpani roll?

God, I'm so blind.

Found it.

And nothing.

He just looks at it.

That's it.

Come on, Dobby, do something, man.

Entertain him.

What's that?

I got him to do something.

He just sat there the whole time.

He finally ran into the chair.

All right, Dobby, good work.

Yeah, I was thinking you could get his attention,

but it'd probably give him a nightmare.

So you probably better not show him the book bag.

Poor guy.

He's looking at me like, why are you throwing stuff at me?

What did I do?

All right.

He's like, what?

What did I do?

All right, everybody.

You got Phil Henry tonight?

No, I haven't played Phil Henry in about three years on this show.

I deleted all my Phil Henry.

You got Phil Henry tonight?

I deleted all of it.

It was taking up too much space.

Oh, man.

Phil Henry tonight?

You got it tonight there, right?

Good night, Milkman.

Good night, everybody.

God bless you.

Good night, children, men and boys.

We ring the pump.

Yo, cut it off.

Y'all right out there.

So, you know, we just came through to check y'all niggas, you know what I'm saying, to

show some love.

I'm saying us niggas don't know how long we gonna be here.

Feel me? So enjoy this shit and enjoy yourselves, and then we outta here.

Calls (39, 1 h 57 min of 3 h 53 min)

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