Turks F*ck Greeks

You're a bumbaclot, I'll suck your mother.

You understand that?

Bumbaclot.

Okay.

You two, you're looking at me, I'll suck your mother.

You never fucked us.

We always fucked Greeks.

You smell that?

Remember that, you motherfucker.

I'll never forget.

Turks fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, everybody.

Good evening.

Oh, shit, I forgot the video part.

Good things.

Near forgetting something.

There we go.

Video now for you.

Whoa, God, that doesn't look so blown up.

Don't worry about that.

The monitor there makes me look...

This is my big fucking head.

For some reason, I don't feel like doing video tonight.

I feel like I got a fat head.

Hey, everybody.

Good evening.

Madhouse Radio is on.

Yeah.

December the 15th, I believe it is.

Something like that.

Good evening.

You're here.

I am here by myself right now.

Milkman is in the middle of a doctor's appointment.

He'll be getting out soon.

Then he'll call in.

Evil already said he wanted to be on, and then calling in, he's not responding.

So no evil already for the time being.

But he did express interest in being on tonight, so we'll see.

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you for being on.

Again, this is December the 15th, Madhouse Radio Show.

Sending your requests.

We are expecting them.

I'm Carl Leder, your host for the evening.

If you're not there now, if you're just listening to this on whatever feed you're listening to it,

you should join us over at madhouselive.com.

Over there is the Request a Prank form, the chat room, links, links to the podcast,

or the prank cast, whatever you want to call it.

Things like that.

All there.

Self-explanatory.

Figure it out.

Send your requests and your comments to me, AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Again, Madhouse Radio, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

MSN Messenger, Madhouse at live.com.

We are on Twitter also tonight.

Well, every night.

All the time.

On Twitter.

Not much going on that I really want to talk about.

We'll probably get to some prank calls here pretty soon.

Numbers will start filtering in.

Usually bullshit from the beginning, but with no milkman around, there's really nothing to talk about.

But yes, there's news explaining in the chat room.

PM, your number's to me.

Master Momo saying that he's got a number for his old man, his dad.

All right, we can do that.

If you really want it, sounds brilliant.

And someone asking me here, no, no Gin Store yet.

I don't believe Gin Store will be on tonight.

I haven't seen him log in.

I think he did mention last week he wouldn't be available this week.

He had plans, like sleeping.

He had plans for sleeping, but he does expect to join us, I believe, next week.

When is Christmas, man?

I don't know.

Is next weekend Christmas time?

I think so.

Two weeks.

Mikey129, thank you.

I did hear Wend on the phone show, I believe, talking about a 24-hour show.

Free message.

No, already.

24-hour show in the talks.

Sometime soon here, 24 hours of prank calls, I guess, in different shifts, etc.

I'd be happy to do the morning shift as long as I'm not working by then.

I'm still unemployed.

I've been interviewing quite a bit this week, so that might be changing pretty soon.

i don't expect it to change until the weekend until the holidays are done though usually places

don't hire or don't start you if they hire you in my experience twice now i've been hired right

before the holidays and they've always told me well you're hired but you know we're not going

to start you until you know after new year's because that's when fiscal year starts and

you know people are coming back from the vacations and stuff like that no one wants you know train

you and stuff show you the ropes during christmas time too many days off and stuff like that you

yep um the other thing we mentioned uh regarding that is uh they were talking about well so what

they were going to do that um i really think we should do that was looking at the calendar

uh the day after christmas is a sunday that's uh boxing day first of all in england sunday the 26th

i believe that falls on uh so first of all you have all the people going back uh to the stores

returning items so the stores are actually pretty busy that day after christmas day

in the uk and australia and canada i believe also it's boxing day so it's a holiday and on top of

that it's already a weekend so people are home great opportunity i think that would be the day

to do it if we're going to do a 25-hour show it should start the night christmas day night uh

and then you know through those overnight hours through to the day after christmas i think that's

a prime opportunity for a lot of prank call us prank calls to happen that's just my take on it

You guys do it when you want to do it, but I was mentioning to RBCP earlier in the week

that that probably would be the best date to do it, and there's still plenty of time

to plan around it.

But I'd definitely take the early shift, because most of those PLA people, most of you guys

are over on the West Coast.

I'm kind of here on Cacti Radio East Coast Studios.

Anyway, regardless, we are on Cacti Radio, cactiradio.com, Blue Planet Current Call Radio,

which is blueplanethosting.us.

wes thank you everyone who's listening to us today and thank you brad carter and uh ted

for having us on we appreciate it and miss you three clicks is the 25th of sunday i don't know

whatever i just 5th of sunday new news calling me a pawn so apparently i'm wrong on the dates i don't

know but honestly i don't know what day christmas is what day is christmas day the 25th or the 24th

i don't know i've never gotten that right i guess it is the 25th well how come my calendar said it

this is the 26th

if you guys are saying

it's not

then it's not

my eye is doing better

it's bothering me

a little bit

it's a little stingy

because I just put

some of those

drops in it

it's fucking stinging

it sucks

found out today

I was putting in

the wrong drops

all week

hopefully it doesn't

affect things

too negatively

my cool shades

oh they're here

but I don't really

need them anymore

I watched the video

of myself wearing

them last week

and I do look like

Tom Cruise

the whole time

not too good

well

here we are

anyway

I got a text message

sorry not feeling

very good

I'm gonna lay down

and pass out

out hardy says all right well no evil already tonight great no milk no milkman no evil already

um if you want to join me on skype then now's the time if you want to join me on the show

uk ted i don't know what you're doing madhouse.radio on skype i think uk ted did the call

already i wasn't paying attention it didn't pop up so i don't know hello hello hey uk ted hey

college how's it going nothing no not bad you know no one wants to be no one wants to join me

tonight i don't get it what's that no one wants to join me tonight i don't know i'm there no milk

stuck with you the last resort you know what i'm doing i'm taking sugar-free jello and i freeze it

and i eat it like ice cream it's great i recommend it oh what's your diabetic because i'm tired of

eating jello it's sugar-free it's sugar-free so i freeze the jello so it becomes like a frozen

treat that's better than eating just jello you know if you close your eyes you can pretend it's

ice cream it's cool what happens to jello when it goes when it's frozen is it just like ice

It's like ice, yeah.

It's really cool.

It's like ice, but if you let it melt for a little bit, it becomes like a half jello,

half ice thing, and it's really good.

That's really, really good.

It's on the camera right now.

Oh, yeah.

I recommend it.

Even regular jello, you know?

Yeah, ice cube in your drink, and then it's like a flavored ice cube, but if you put a

normal flavored ice cube drink, it will melt, and the flavors will mix.

But with jello, it won't mix.

No?

Will it?

I don't know.

We've got to find out.

We'll put it back to you.

We'll put it back to you?

All right, cool.

I'm on it.

For a little bit?

turn your radio down tabachi you're mr radio over there uh tabachi's joining also another thing i

started i did once i got on this kick where i was like i used to drink kool-aid a lot and i was

concerned that uh putting ice and kool-aid uh watered it down when it melted so i was making

kool-aid in the ice cube trays you know to match the flavor kool-aid that i made so to make the

kool-aid cold i would use that in turn then i started doing it with like you know like pepsi

and stuff i was gonna drink pepsi and i was like well this is retarded you know you got your ice

you put it in the pepsi and it gets all watered down towards the halfway through so i started

freezing like pepsi you know if i bought a two liter of pepsi the first thing i'd do is i'd open

it and i'd fill up an ice cube tray and put it in the freezer and then later on when i drank pepsi

then i instead of ice i used frozen pepsi cubes i think that's a great idea dude that's some good

thinking nobody thinks about those things but i know this is why i need to study computer science

yeah computer science hey i'm gonna leave soon but i just want to let you know i'm available

next thursday after i actually took off so oh yeah for sure that sounds good yeah give me a

call if you gotta go that's fine but yeah definitely um i will plan for that sounds

good milkman hey you guys have a great night see it's about well we're started just call me when

you're done all right oh you don't you want to put you on and and you leave when uh you can leave

when uh they call you or is that bad yeah all right well let me call you back all right uh

Milkman called me today.

He was a little concerned, UK Ted.

I don't know if you were aware, but he called me this morning.

He said he felt a lump in his breast.

I told him he needed to go to the doctor.

And all our listeners, especially the women, should know.

Do that.

If you feel a lump in your breast, you should check every other day.

I check all the time.

Good, UK Ted.

Did I hang up on everybody?

I think I hung up on UK Ted.

Oh, UK Ted, you're there.

Give me just a moment, folks.

Call me Milkman here.

Hello?

Call Milkman.

That's going straight to his voicemail.

Your phone's not ringing.

You horse.

horse um nino says call australian horse place and explain what a horse is or the difference

between a girl horse and a bull horse boy call turkish guy pretend he is greek and maybe talk

shit about cyprus very good idea that's true yeah cyprus point of contention in the meantime eddie's

pizza is here from big brendan thank you brendan for sending in numbers first prank call of the

night here we are uk ted is out there being silent we'll drop him back they should have uk ted call

and speak to that guy uh because you'll probably think it's jen stewart he probably would this

with the accent right off the bat um i'll be playing that on the break if we take a break

tonight i'll be playing that call from last week turkish horse i didn't release it to the prank

casket it's jen's prank uh but i did post it on the website madhouse live.com over there in the

prank call archives you can listen to that and enjoy yourself hello what happened here you're

just not doing that hello oh oh hey dude um sorry i'm i'm at work so if i go quiet it means i've

I don't even work.

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

It's, it's, you know, I should really be co-hosting radio shows while I'm at work.

Sorry, rude guy.

All right.

No problem.

All right.

Sometimes guests need me.

Guests need nothing.

No archives.

I'm calling somebody.

Yes, hi.

Is the manager there?

I'm supposed to call to speak with him?

Calling.

This is Cross.

This is the manager of the store.

Listen, I found some hairs in the food that I got.

I found hairs, and I think it's feces that were inside the food.

Kidding me.

Nope. No, it is.

I'm pretty sure I know this is not raisin, sir.

This is feces.

Well, I left it at the laboratory and they said it tested already for E. coli.

Already off the bat.

They did a test on it already from the beginning.

Okay.

Well, so I wanted to sue you.

I wanted some more information.

What was your name?

Listen, you stupid Turkish people coming here and putting shit in the food.

Stupid.

You know what?

I'm Greek and I don't appreciate you.

No, no sir

Absolutely not

Your mother is a bitch

What's that?

I like to take it in the back

That's not true

Well, that's true

You know what happened?

Because the Turks

Like to fuck men in the ass

So they came to Greece

And they did it

Use my shit then

Yeah

I put it in the food

And I make you eat it

So

I'll slap you in the face

Fuck you

That big ugly

Turkish nose of yours

Get out of here

You stupid

You horse

That guy's awesome

You guys should all go to Yelp

And talk about this guy

That's awesome

Motherfucking gay Greek.

Why did you say that?

If you're a woman, why you hang up?

Why you hang up?

You're a woman?

I am a woman.

You want to come and fuck me?

Yeah, I'm going to go rape you like you did to a Greek.

Well, come and do it.

Bring your wife.

I fuck her for you.

No, you're a woman.

You don't have a dick.

You're a woman, you said.

I've got a big dick.

I've got the biggest dick.

I've got a big dick.

You know how Turks fuck you motherfuckers for centuries?

Remember?

No.

If you don't remember, ask your grandpa, grandma, motherfucker.

We fuck you all.

That's wrong.

That's so fucking wrong.

Did you get that last prank call you made a few weeks ago

to that guy who said something similar?

No.

What do you want?

You pushed him, Malaka?

Listen.

You want more?

Yes.

Well, come on over here if you're a man enough

and talk to me face to face.

Listen, you know what?

Your mother and your wife...

Why don't you come here, motherfucker,

instead of talking to me on the phone?

You need your ugly face here.

Your mother's...

I'll break it for you.

Your mother's with a Greek man right now.

Well, fuck you and your mother too.

You know what?

I'm calling the police

and I'm going to make a fucking report

that you called me at this time

and I'm sure they are going to find you.

Well, I'm going to make a report

that you threatened to rape me

and you made racist comments.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Go make your complaint anywhere you like.

Just don't bother me.

I have you recorded.

I'm going to put this on the internet.

I'm calling the police right now.

I'm telling everybody in town about your racism.

You're a man enough.

Come on over here.

Okay, and what?

I'm going to go over there.

I'm going to talk to him face to face.

The first thing.

The first thing is you give me...

Shut up.

The first thing is you give me the fucking money, you stupid fucking shit.

I'm controlling.

I am in charge of you.

Listen, I'm an American.

You give me the money right now.

I'm going to go over there.

I'm going to give you five minutes when I get down there.

And I'm going to take the cash register.

I'm going to go there and take all that money that you took from me.

I'm taking it.

Here, I have more than money for you.

Oh, what else you got?

Why?

Because you're gay?

You're gay.

Every man go in there.

You fuck in the ass.

You're a faggot yourself.

Every man that goes in there, you fuck in the ass.

You smell an ass and you get horny.

Turks fuck Greeks.

He's an angry man.

There's a contender for Prank of the Night right there.

The title of the show, rather, I should say.

Turks fuck Greeks

I hear his name is Eregi

Wow

He did call me Malaka too

That's pretty funny

Fans of the show know what that means

Get some more frozen Jell-O here on me

Yum yum yum

I'm telling you

The UK curb

This is the only way I'll eat Jell-O now

Frozen

No better way to eat Jell-O than frozen

Make vodka Jell-O

Uh

Yeah

Oh yeah

It's good

I had a lot when I was an undergrad

There you go

It's good stuff

Another thing

This person I knew once

They took a watermelon

They put a hole in the watermelon

And they

Dumped a whole bottle of vodka

Inside the watermelon

watermelon filled up the watermelon with vodka and put it in the refrigerator and it marinated

inside and then you just carve the watermelon up you don't have watermelon in you can you get

watermelon in the uk i wonder see i think you're gonna tell me a different story when you said they

uh they make a hole in the watermelon yeah but you have to do two holes if you do that because

you need one for the air to come out because if not then it just it doesn't work out if you fuck

a watermelon no it's a well-known fact i've tried it myself you need to have two holes one for the

the air i want for the cock just saying i don't know that i just figure that's how you know i

figure that's how it works i don't know thank you do you guys call it watermelon or is it called

something else over there like summer watermelon okay summer fruit mackey

all right so before we did that i was gonna call eddie eddie yo i don't know that i want to call

Eddie's pizza. I don't know about pizza.

I'm kind of over calling pizza places.

Hello, Artie. I thought you were

sick or something. Your bowel movement?

Alright, well, let me call you back from Skype, alright?

Alright. Make it so. Thank you.

Make it so. Evil Artie.

Quotes Star Trek now. Nice.

Brilliant. Alright, let's call him.

I know you're a big fan of Evil Artie, UK Ted.

You must be excited. We were connected to the

Turkish kitchen that whole time. Now I'm confused.

I wonder if you heard that. Hey, big guy.

Hey, Biggins. What do you say there?

Who else is on?

UK Tad and the Turkish Kitchen guy.

Hey, you want to complain to the Turkish Kitchen that you took a big shit?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, cool.

Connect them up here.

It's busy.

I think he was listening to me the whole time.

Just now.

He left the phone off the hook.

He was listening to me being stupid.

Right.

Charlie's really friendly with me now, man.

Really?

Yeah.

I talked to his son on Thanksgiving.

His son said, don't call her no more.

Don't call her no more.

God, my whole house fucking stinks.

What's wrong with you, man?

Well, I've been eating a lot of shit.

Like at the fucking circus restaurant.

Shit!

Okay, so you want a Popeye's then?

Yeah, on the west coast.

Oh, wait, they're closed right now?

What time is it?

Well, no, the Popeye's in the ghetto in Orlando is open

until like 1 o'clock in the morning.

I've been there before.

Of course, there's a lot of black people there.

Yeah, but no, I've been like down on some fried chicken.

Let me get that and I drove out.

You have ghettos in Orlando?

To the edge of the ghetto.

Oh, yeah, are you kidding?

Dude.

I thought Orlando was all like bright lights.

I'll tell you what.

Yeah, okay, go to YouTube

YouTube, and look up Goon City TV, and get educated.

There you go.

What's part of Orlando you think is the worst?

West.

West side of Orlando, man.

Are you kidding?

Anything west of the railroad tracks downtown is bad.

Really?

Anything.

Up until you get to Universal Studios.

Anything north of there and that west part of town is bad.

Everything.

All down Colonial.

Even downtown is pretty bad now.

Anything over there by the arena, by the old arena and the new arena and all that?

All bad.

All that's bad, dude.

dude. You don't want to go there. Stay away.

I'm going to mute because I'll be back in a few minutes.

You do that. You're taking a big shit.

Yeah, don't do anything fun until I get back.

Yeah, okay, we'll just sit here and be really boring.

Yeah, just talk about Jell-O for a bit.

Alright, I'm looking up Popeye's Orlando.

I can't remember the answer. I should be like,

hey, are you up in the wrong way because of all the

niggas in the area? Don't say the

N-word, alright?

What do you think they'd say? Well, you can say it.

I mean, I'll edit it out. It's not my fault

that you say it. Oh, yeah. You can edit it out?

Yeah, I'll edit it out. The N-word, I can't just

be saying that i'd be saying that censorship let me find uh popeye chicken uh there we go

pine hills man right on the map pine hills at the pine hills marketplace aka what's it called

thank you yes tell so people don't think i'm lying when i say this is the orlando has a ghetto

crime hills orlando dude you've been listening about this whole dwight howard fucking mess man

have you been even not really i don't really watch basketball fucking mess man he wants to

to leave the magic it's gotten bad i should call them up as dwight howard's agent okay we're gonna

come in dwight dwight wants like a 40 piece chicken you sound nothing like dwight howard's

agent he's a pretty famous agent man he's pretty well known in orlando i forgot his name now but

he's pretty well known oh his agent is well known yeah his assistant then and then maybe about two

or three hours ago about a minute i took a big made my i'd like it the manager

Hey Michael, how are you doing? Are you the manager?

Yes I am.

Tell me, can you hear this real quick?

Go ahead.

What was the sound of my toilet flushing down the drain because I ate your shit?

I took a bitch in the toilet that made my entire house because of your fucking shit.

There's nothing I can do about that.

Can I get more food to shit out?

No.

What

you.

We're here until midnight, so feel free to come by.

You're a bit of a smartass.

You're a little fresh with the mouth.

I didn't mean to be.

Are you the general manager?

No, actually, the general manager is a little bit more sarcastic than I am.

Well, can you leave a message for the general manager?

I recommend you speaking to her yourself. She comes in tomorrow, so feel free to call back tomorrow.

I'm the customer. I want you to leave a message.

Well, she's not here at the moment. I'm afraid if I leave the message, she might not get it.

It would be better if you call back tomorrow and speak to her.

Yeah, because they'll throw it out and not even give it to her because you want to keep your job, right?

It doesn't make a difference. I'll surely leave her a message.

Because you're just a lying . Am I right?

What do you say, sir?

How many black people are in the restaurant right now?

I'm sorry?

How many black people are in the restaurant right now?

How many do you think there'll be?

I bet there's nine.

Why not?

Considering it is Pine Hills.

Are you African American, sir?

Why not say black?

You said black earlier.

Why not say black now?

African American seems beside the line.

Would you rather me just say...

Huh?

Good, because we use cracker too, so it don't make a difference.

Anything else?

Okay, so you are a Negro.

Huh?

You are a Negro, right?

Oh, dressing it up Negro?

I'm not sure I'm not Negro.

I'm sorry, I need a translator, because I can't really understand what you're saying.

I need a translator.

You understand this now?

If you're Bumba Cluck, I'll suck your mother.

You understand that?

Bumba Cluck.

Okay.

You two, you're looking now to suck on spit out your mama was a man.

I got you.

Taught you a lesson.

Favorite word, Bumba Cluck.

I love it.

Taught you a lesson.

We got to keep that number.

Bumba Cluck.

I knew I was going to get on the flip.

The Turk.

You call him that?

No.

Can I help you?

Yes, hi.

I was calling with a complaint.

I ate your food and I took a big nasty shit in the toilet

and I want my money back.

Give me any money back because you are a nasty motherfucker.

Be nicer and come here.

Give me the hair.

I've given it to you.

I'm not giving you shit.

Listen, you said bad things about Greece and that's not right.

We're supposed to be friends.

We're supposed to be brothers.

We are not friends at all.

You fucking...

You stupid big-nosed fucking Turk bastard.

Do you read the Koran?

Because I take a shit on it.

Oh, man.

man. Artie, you were supposed to talk about

taking a shit. What happened? Well, I thought you

were taking it. No, I wanted you to do it,

Artie. I don't want to take your time now.

I wanted you to take a shit.

I didn't take a shit. Alright, we're coming back.

I took two shits, actually. Nice.

My patience is really running out.

You know, I have this really big, sticky shit

because you...

Sir, sir.

I'm calling the fucking police right now.

I swear to God. And they are going to

trace you, motherfucker. You have no right to

harass. You can come here and make your

complain, okay? Or go...

I just want you to reimburse me for all the toilet

paper I used, because I took a big, sticky

shit in your toilet.

I want me to be nicer to you. Forget it.

I'm not going to give you nothing, and if you

call me one more time, call the police.

I'm giving them the time. You call me

and you're making, you know, threat to me.

I'm going to bullshit all kind of stuff

to police, and they are going to get your mother.

They are going to stop you from calling me

again. So try again. Call me one

more time, then I'll call the police.

I'm sorry, that was a mistake

I'm sorry

No, that was a mistake

I'm sorry

I hit the wrong button

I hit the wrong button, please

I don't give a fuck, motherfucker

I'm calling the police right now

My mom

Why you kept calling me every two minutes

Please know my mom is going to

My mom get mad

Please, my mom, no

It's all fun and games until someone gets arrested

Yes

The shit in the food was kind of brown

Black

What color is your shit?

Sharmuta

I just don't want you to call the police

Because my mom will get very mad if she finds out

Motherfucker

I don't give a shit what she thinks

I'm only 15 and you were talking about having sex with me

And that's illegal

So I recommend if you call the police

I'm going to tell them I'm 15

And I'm a high school boy

And you said you were going to have sex with me

You said you were going to make to rape me

And I'm 15

So you're going to get arrested for telling a boy

Yeah

What's the name of your place?

Turkish Kitchen

Big One

Okay

Do you have baklava?

I'm going to put it in your ass

And make you take it in the ass

I fuck you in the ass with my big dick

I'm going to tell the police

I'm going to call the police right now

And say that the man in the Turkish kitchen

Keeps calling me

And says he wants to have sex with me

And that you called

You said how old are you

You called me

And you said that I'm 15

That you like to have sex with the 15

That's right

Go tell them

They're going to come arrest you

And send you back to Turkey

Where you shit in the road

I like to go to Greece

Because Turkey is so close

And I go and fuck all the women

Like your mother

Your mother makes good coffee

Your mother says you want to have coffee

Come and say to get coffee

And she opens her legs

No never

Never touch that dirty nasty people

No never

I'm pure

Right now

Yeah, if nobody has, bring her over. I'll fuck her for you.

I would love to talk to her.

Well, you see, you cannot be my mother.

Hey, hi. How are you doing, sir?

Call your mom.

I'm his mother.

Okay. Have you ever had sex with a Turkish man?

I'd love to. I'd love to just suck your dick, dude.

Come on over. I would love to fuck you.

Hi, Archie, what's your name again?

What's your home address? I'd rather just meet you at home.

Ask your son, he knows exactly where I am.

Where is he, Crash?

You know, ask him to bring you over.

And bring him too, maybe, you know, I can too.

I don't want to fuck my son.

Maybe you won't be enough for me.

What are you talking about, you stupid son?

He knows what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about, dummy?

You've been calling and asking me to fuck your mom.

Well, yeah.

I didn't ever say that, Turkish.

I said, you know, you want me to fuck your mom, your sister, your whole family.

I told you to bring them all over.

I don't know, man.

Because you don't speak English right.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

Because you're stupid.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe you just said you don't come to suck my dick.

You're too busy fucking your son in the ass that you didn't understand.

No.

No, I think you have Greek in you, though.

Okay.

All right, we'll take care of you.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of you.

Okay, I pray for you tonight.

I posted his Yelp page

In the chat room

Evil Arnie that voice you do

Is horribly convincing

You practice that quite a lot

Yeah I do practice it

Zolar does that all the time

I know I mean I learned a lot from Zolar

I mean I never could do it

Without the voice changer

Then all of a sudden I could

Hi how you doing

Stop that that was really creepy

But you know the only thing about that voice?

I need to, like, have my head and neck at, like, a 45-degree angle going up, you know?

Really?

That helps out?

Okay, cool.

Otherwise, I can't.

That's how you do it?

This is me doing it straight.

Okay, here you go.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah, I think it's all the weight goes back, you know, when you do that.

I'm not trying to say bad.

I'm just saying it's not anybody that I happen to.

Oh, God.

I don't know if I've got it going on now.

Oh, God.

Really?

It's not a full beard, but I haven't shaved in about a month and a half.

Uh-huh.

Is it patchy?

My chin and going up, like, there's, like, very thin.

You got to sculpt it, man.

You got to shape it a little bit.

I got a pedophile mustache.

No, gross, man.

Don't do that.

No wonder your girl doesn't want to hang out with you and stuff anymore.

Oh, no, she's coming over this week.

Oh, is she?

Good.

Does she like the facial hair?

She's not sure about it.

She says get rid of it, though.

I think you should get rid of it.

I don't think that's your kind of style, man.

It hides the acne.

Yeah, I don't think you should be doing the facial hair.

Ted, you okay, Ted?

You do facial hair at all?

You got any of that?

You okay, Ted?

He's busy with a customer.

It's funny, when you grow yours out, you look like you should be, like, stopped at the airport.

I do, yeah.

Sorry, I heard you call my name, but I wasn't looking at myself.

I look terrorist when I...

Do you have facial hair at all?

Do you grow out of beer or anything?

No, not into that kind of thing.

No?

I see.

I know I live in Brighton, but I don't bend that way.

No?

Cool.

Too fake.

Because of all the shit I'm putting down my throat.

What are you going to take care of?

Greggulae, G-Regulae, whatever the fuck you are.

How are you doing?

From Turkey.

And I tell you that the Greek people will not be seen.

I fuck...

Be seen.

No, they fuck us.

And I agree.

Fuck you.

Well, we go on and come.

Maybe later you can call that Turkish place back

and I'll tell them that I found all their food wrappers and stuff on my doorstep

and someone had smeared shit everywhere.

And I'm calling them up to get them to come pick it up.

Yeah.

Yo, can I call you out really quick?

Who, me?

I have to call you out on something.

and you really did me wrong

last week. Why? Because

I submitted a prank to you

and you read it, because

I know you knew it was there, because you read it

at the beginning of the show, and then you just totally

blew me off, man. You didn't

even do my request to prank, and I was like

second in. You were second

in? I'm sorry, I didn't know it was in one.

You never got mine either. Last week's

show was still hilarious, so I can't

really... Yeah, that Thanksgiving show was way

too long, though, man. It was five hours

and three minutes. That was

thanksgiving show it was last week yeah i know yeah i know but i'm just saying thanksgiving

show i was thinking about that the other day i was like god it's way too long i should have

broken it off in two episodes or something for the podcast it's way way too fucking long but

yeah i'm sorry about that um you know i don't i forget because what happens when you send them

like that the new ones start coming in and it goes to the bottom of the list and i and i start

working from the top down because i'm weird like that and it gets lost you know i'm sorry it's

okay man thanks man i still love you and you thanks thanks bro uh we got a number for someone

who likes a woman no name i really have to add a field in that stupid request a prank form that

says name because now people are not sending the names um of who we're gonna prank so i'm supposed

to call so hey you kruger so uh t-rock uh who's this t-rock's in the chat room t-rock who is this

that you want us to call a woman who loves to talk shit just go with it give me the number give me

the name damn it just say it in the chat room that's fine he sent the number let me see if it's

That's a correction.

My boyfriend's friend and he thinks I'm hungry.

Well, I need names.

Give me names on both of those, T-Rock.

Come on, let's go.

Do it.

Hey, Artie.

Artie.

He's gone.

He's gone?

Son of a bitch, he's gone.

Well, he's there.

Artie!

Maybe he's working.

Yeah, Evil Artie's working.

Works less than I do and I've been unemployed.

Oh, I'm at work right now.

Yeah, sure you are.

Hey, Gregulate wants to ask you something.

Go ahead.

Wait, what's the name?

Regulate?

It's Gregulate, but I just wanted to say you were hilarious in the last call.

Thank you, Artie.

It was horrific.

No, the funny thing about my voice is

I was talking to some chick I met on the internet

She was pretty cool, but she hit on some guy at one point

And I call her, and we were talking

And I'm like, oh, get on the phone

Tell him it's a hot girl

And I start talking, and I'm like, can we have it sometime?

And he's like, yeah

And then all of a sudden, I'm like, maybe you can suck my cock, dude

Yeah

And she told me he literally fucking freaks the fuck out

Artie, you gotta give credit where credit's due

That's a throwback to Zolar

He's a king of doing that one

yeah i know but even i back in 97 i used to prank call one of those uh chat lines like

and i used to i used to do that i started like hi like that and um the guys were like oh yeah

i'm jerking off like yeah like oh i do that they're like what the fuck and you hear them

hit the pound key to exit the chat that's when they hit the wrong key to exit but that's yeah

Yeah, well, we were doing that a few weeks ago, or, like, a few months ago.

They keep trying to hit the wrong key, like, beep, beep.

But that's where the chat runs, with that one gay guy from Louisiana.

Yeah, the guy that was like, what the fuck is Hulse?

Hulse.

What's a Hulse?

Why do you keep saying Hulse?

We should call it.

Yeah, we got to call some businesses in Ocala.

Yeah, do you know the number to that?

Do you know the number to that line, Artie?

Do you remember it at all?

I forgot it.

I might have it written down somewhere.

I don't know.

We should call that in the show one night.

At the end.

At the end of the show.

You know what I mean?

because this takes a lot of setup, but that one gig, I was funny.

I love the message that we left, like, we talked to the girl,

hey, my name's Kroc.

She goes like, you're fucking disgusting.

I'll pitch one more.

This is Gina?

Yes.

Hey, Gina, I was there, and I was, Kathy was talking.

Mm-hmm.

She was talking mad shit about you.

Okay.

Yeah, she said that you were fat.

Okay.

She called you the M word.

Okay.

And she said that she walked by you and smelled like you farted.

Okay.

So.

Oh, what's your name?

I'm Cross.

Does she know my name?

I'm Cross.

Okay.

You have a good night, sir.

Bye, stupid.

That was nothing.

That wasn't even that funny.

She was talking mad shit about you.

Artie, tell her something.

Message.

Thanks for calling Oak Ridge Walmart.

Hey, talk to her, isn't he?

I don't know, maybe.

Thank you, Gordon.

Come in, big girl.

Just a moment.

I'll get ready real quick, yeah.

You're too cold, woman.

That's right, you're too cold.

Are we on hold, or?

Yeah, we are.

We don't have time for that.

Call back.

You taking this?

No, you tell her.

You've got to finish.

Thank you, Colin.

That creates one more.

Hey, what's up, woman?

Biggie Park?

Do you douche with coconut juice?

Why do you like that saying so much?

Do you douche with coconut juice?

Why do you like that so much?

I don't know.

Oh, man.

Anyway, oh, yeah.

Here's something we could talk about.

Howard Stern is going to be the new judge.

I was just going to mention that.

On the show.

What is it?

America's Got Talent?

Yeah, that's the only thing that got me to watch it.

It's going to shit.

Who are you calling?

Hello, Derek.

You're talking to Elker?

Yes, hi.

How are you doing?

Do I have to make an order?

Sure, what can I get for you?

Just a moment.

What can I get for you?

Yeah, do you guys have that one, it's like a wrap, kind of?

What kind of wrap?

Yeah, you know what it is?

No, I don't know.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm going to go and slap you in the mouth.

You know what?

I just left.

We called the police, and they're going to find you.

I don't know.

Yeah, but he said lots of bad things about Greek.

Malaka.

I don't care whatever you want to say, but I don't want to end the conversation.

I just want to work here, okay?

What do you have to say?

what do you have to say

about Greeks

I'm not talking about it

right now okay

I'm running around here

and I need to go to the customer

is your mother there

I have no problem

with the Greek

or with any people

oh so I can talk about

I have no problem with people

it's okay if you're having

sexual relations

with the customer

just call me back

okay

if you want a relationship

just come over here

and I will show you

your relationship

go ahead

the boss left

but he called the person

I think that's what

she said to Bruno

huh

he called you dude

Dude.

He called me dude?

He called Carlito dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah.

I got the legal, dude.

That's what I heard.

If I have a number, can I submit it to you through Skype?

Because I called this 24-hour fitness earlier today,

and I convinced the people that somebody exposed himself

and took a shit on my towel in the sauna.

Okay.

So I want to see if anything happened with it.

Okay.

They never thought it was a prank.

Okay.

Yeah, put it in the chat.

I basically, I said the guy exposed himself, so I left.

And then I came back for my towel, and he was gone, but there was a shit on my towel.

It was a big snail trail.

Yeah.

I'll call later, and I'll say I took a big shit on it.

You already called back.

I took a big shit on my towel.

I'm going to go find a number.

All right.

That would be perfect.

Let me know when you're ready.

let me send it okay you think we should say i took a big shit on it first just like ease into

it kind of like don't say it right away but say like you had a problem with someone in the sauna

and then eventually go for the shit reveal he was looking at me all gay and shit yeah i told

her that you just stood up across from me and you exposed yourself with an erection and you

came up to me and whispered in my ear only gays are welcome here

only gays are welcome here and the guy said you what the only gays are welcome here in the fauna

i was just bored during my lunch break at work so i was just like that's awesome

are we exposing the big uh gays the sauna thing the gay sauna conspiracy or something

oh this is the gay sauna well you don't know about that last week already i made a big thing

Jack Masterson was moving somewhere in the West Coast from Orlando,

and he wanted to know what the secret sign is that you do in the sauna

to have sex with a guy.

And they're like, no, we don't do that here.

Oh, God, listen to this, dude.

What?

You know how I went to St. Ann's Catholic Church by chance?

I think I told you that.

Yes.

When I was, like, growing up, but we never really went after, like,

I was, like, 13 or 14, you know?

All right.

The one priest, the main priest of the whole church, he had, like, leukemia,

so he stopped being the priest or something.

Okay.

So then his father paid, I remember.

Okay.

Yeah, I just saw him in the news.

Guess what he was in the news for?

Oh, no.

Soliciting sex in a bathroom.

Really? Where?

In Daytona Beach.

Oh, really?

There's a lot of that going on in Daytona.

Like, all the time.

You'll be watching TV in Orlando

like, another gay bust in Daytona Beach.

The bathroom's in...

His father also has my virginity.

I'm kidding.

Oh, so you seduced him.

You brought him over to the dark side already.

I found the number for a sauna in Britain.

Let's go to Father's Village.

Hang on, Artie.

What was it?

A sauna?

Ted, that doesn't work?

Yeah, UK, in Brighton.

It's open until 5 a.m.

Oh, okay.

See that number?

Yeah, send that.

Put that in the chat.

That sounds good.

Okay.

We can do some gay sauna action.

That's cool.

IG-69 is checking in.

Very, very gay sauna.

IG-69, you there?

Hey, man.

Are you excited about the Nets coming to Brooklyn?

Yeah.

You are?

You think you're going to get Dwight Howard, you bastard?

You son of a bitch.

Fuck you.

I hope you don't.

I don't know if you can see it, but I pasted the number into the Skype chat.

Yes.

The gay sauna.

Here we go.

It says on their website they're open until 5 a.m.

That's not 5 a.m. there yet, right?

You still got time?

We got until...

Yeah, it's only 10 past 4 now.

Okay, we got an hour.

I'm going to have to delete my browser history, aren't I?

I'd get there.

Yeah, before my wife sees it.

Is that work, Artie?

That's horrible.

It doesn't matter.

They can still see what you did in the network, you know.

You can still see what you're doing on the network side of things, UK Ted.

Yeah, but, like, the chick's never going to know that.

He's at work, Artie.

At work.

He's calling from work.

Oh, no, I bring my laptop to that.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God, there's this show, The League, that I watch.

And at one point, there's this married couple,

and they figure out they want to smoke weed that night.

And, like, they got the kids at the babysitter,

and the dealer was coming over.

They bring over dope.

Oh, my God.

Because they ordered a VHS and not a DVD.

Hmm.

So that's the code?

Yeah, VHS.

Call later.

Please call later.

Now.

We'll see.

We'll later.

That does a really good British accent.

I know, it's awesome.

He does a good Jim Stewart accent.

I wish I could do accents.

That's such a great skill to have.

I just don't have it.

So do Americans have an accent?

Yeah, we have an accent to you, right?

Like, we sound all funny?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I find it difficult to differentiate between American accents.

Like, I can't hear an American speak and tell where they're from, really.

I can kind of tell north and south, and I can sometimes pick out Canadian accents, but that's about it.

Yeah, because Canadians, yeah, aboot, stuff like that.

Yeah.

You can tell what a Texas accent is pretty easy to tell, right?

Yeah, yeah, I can pick up southern accents, but that's only because of Forrest Gump.

I'm a Forrest Gump.

How do you distinguish the class of an American?

The question is, it's very easy to tell what class you're in.

Is it black?

Skin color.

Okay, right.

A car.

See, that's much easier than accents.

What the fuck you want, Tucker Mike?

I want to learn how to show to, uh...

Charlie?

Yes, uh, Shang Hui Si?

Shang Hui Si.

Who's calling?

Yeah, Shang Hui Si, hi, this is Cross.

How you doing, buddy?

Yeah, who's calling?

Yeah, I'm with the, uh, Department of Immigration.

What?

I'm with Immigration.

I'm looking for Shang Hui Si.

This is Cross with the Department of Immigration.

I've been doing a case on you for the last 12 months.

I have all the information I need to send you back.

Shang Hui Sai.

You give me $5,000 or you're going to be leaving Hawaii.

You understand?

You give me $5,000 or you're leaving on the next flight to Taiwan.

You

understand?

Listen, you pay money or I send you back to Taiwan.

You're here illegally.

You're here illegally and you're cheating on your wife with another woman.

I have evidence.

I have took pictures of you with the other woman in the hotel.

You're crazy.

You have pictures of you having sex with a black woman.

Oh, snap.

You sex with a black woman.

No, no, no.

Never, never.

I have the pictures of you with the black woman.

Okay, send me a picture.

Did you kiss her down there?

Okay.

Yeah, send me a picture.

Okay.

Do you kiss the woman down there in the private?

No, no, no, no, no.

What are you talking about?

You know you kiss your wife down there in her private parts?

No, no, no.

I think about doing that to her sometimes.

I kiss her down in her pussy.

Who is it? Who is it?

I'm your wife's other boyfriend.

Okay, can you give me your phone number? I want to call the police.

No, no, no.

Your wife has my phone number.

Your wife calls me all the time.

She calls me and she goes,

Oh, I want penis. I want the big cock.

Puerto Rican.

Don't do that, okay?

Ask your wife how I fuck her.

Really good and hard.

Better than you.

Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, my friend want to call you, okay?

No.

Hey, just a chinga two mile away.

Aloha.

Hi.

Who's this?

Chinga two mile away.

Yeah, I see.

It's a chinga two mile away, huh?

Uh-huh.

Huh?

Yeah.

Oh, you're crazy.

I know.

You want to see the doctor, okay?

No, will you be my friend, please?

Hello?

He hung up already.

Am I out of here?

I think this is bordering on harassment now.

No, he likes it.

He's laughing.

He's having a good time.

Not doing nothing bad.

Can you guys hear me?

Yeah.

No.

What?

No.

Okay.

I can't tell with Skype on my iPhone.

But I submitted the number, Carlito, to you.

Thank you.

Regulate.

Hey, Carlito.

Can you call me back?

Okay.

Bye.

Stop doing shit.

He's not commanding.

Charlie is getting better every call.

He's got his son or something he's putting on now.

I'm amazed that he's playing a tool on the podcast.

I'm amazed he's actually answering the phone on Thursday.

at all now

you think you'd

understand by now

I wonder if he's

made the connection

I don't know

probably not

Chinese calibers

I call him all the time

oh yeah that's right

how often do you

call him Marty

well I haven't

called him in a long time

alright so how did

it start with you

calling him

this is while I wasn't

doing shows

and I was sick

is that when it started

you and Lonesome

were calling him

I figured I needed

more entertainment

so what you would

call him and what

would happen

and I'd fuck with him

so I'd fuck you

and you'll know

do they have

a recorded

that we can play

and shit

did you do your own show

I sent them to you.

You didn't send me enough of those with him.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I did.

Junk Buster.

What the fuck is Hulse?

Yeah.

What is that?

Hulse.

What is that?

Fucking Hulse.

Let me take a hint real quick.

I'm so cool, guys.

All right, let me call this number here from Greg.

Is he eating carrots or something?

Is he eating carrots?

Artie's just stuffing himself with carrots.

He's drinking out of a baby bottle.

Yeah, that too.

I don't see the number, Greg.

Are you sure you sent that?

Oh, here it is.

No.

I don't have it.

It's not a baby bottle.

My mommy calls it a soda bottle.

Isn't it in the chat?

It's the 405 or whatever.

Oh, in the chat.

In the chat.

No, Skype chat.

Skype chat.

I'm looking.

I don't see shit.

Madhouse Radio added Tuck, added Charlie Sell, added that number.

No.

No, not here.

Try it again.

Son of a bitch.

Okay.

That's what I'm saying, son of a bitch.

Anyway.

Skype for iPhone is really, really buggy.

Yeah.

Do you remember the story I told you about in Ocala?

The horses?

Yeah.

They're getting defaced, the horses and shit?

Yeah, basically they're covered in quarters.

Yeah, yeah.

IG?

Yeah.

I'm back.

Sorry.

I thought we could work that into the show.

Call up Ocala Businesses.

Oh, Gregulet, I got it now.

I got it.

It's a 407 number?

Yeah, it's in Florida.

That's in Orlando.

916, that's Maitland

Do you already know 916 is Maitland?

Yeah, I do

Who is this supposed to be?

It's a fitness place

It's not 24 Hour Fitness, it's some similar thing

Yeah, the reason I know is because

Real Radio is in Maitland

And their number is 407-916-1041

Oh, look at me, I'm on Real Radio

Because I only heard them say the fucking calling number

Like 50 times every hour

Don't ask for like years

Do you hear them anymore?

more um i listen to sbk on his podcast sometimes he's funny yeah he's the only good thing on that

station anymore man i should try to get a job i heard one of the two jams isn't rap anymore

well i don't know like listening to the radio and when i do it's just tasha controlling it i'm just

stoned you know fucking bitch you said her name that one knows her name everyone knows tasha

black girl all right he's fucking a black girl oh yeah that's right what is his name

She heard you say that

This is RTV Sportsplex

Told you it was Maitland

Oh RTV I've been there

That's the Orlando Magic

That's where they practice

It's an actual gym

It's magical

They actually have a hockey rink in there too

Yeah I skated there

Sure you did

They took us there

Last time I went there I got free magic tickets

Oh cool

I worked across the road from there

The magic sent the SMS text

First 20 people get free tickets

You worked across the road from there?

I worked at the

Over there in Maitland

The last job

Be more cryptic please

You may read a message

By answering the following questions

Paul

I worked across the way from there

And I got a text saying

It was like the first 100 people get free

Tickets to the Magic game tonight

I went there

I told my boss hey I'm taking a break

Got in my car drove over there got free tickets came back

And they were like why didn't you tell us

We would have gone with you

First 100 people

It was already like 80 people

Had been there

We only got like 20 left

Press 0 for the athletic club

Press 1 for the ice den

Couldn't call it a girlfriend.

Can't hear.

God damn it.

Stop talking over it so I can hear.

Press 4 for Forte Salon.

Try it again.

If you guys let me hear the answer.

Is that Forte Salon?

Is that what they're saying?

Shut up.

Hey, woman.

I just hit 0 before.

Oh, not yet.

Thank you for calling RDB Sports.

Please press 0 for the athletic club.

Press 1 for the ice.

That is the one.

Good.

RDB Sports collects athletic club hours of operation

are Monday through Friday

from 5.30 a.m. to 10.00 p.m.

Shit.

Yeah, they're closed.

Yeah, I didn't...

It actually did a voice response to your shit.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that place...

I don't think that place is open 24 hours.

Yeah, that place,

it's owned by the company that owns the Magic.

It's a really nice facility.

Have you ever been...

You've been there before, then, Artie?

The RTV Sportsplex?

My dad used to work there, too.

My dad used to work as a security guard there for a while.

That's crazy.

I just chose it by random.

them yeah i remember the very first time i went there i was going to a magic the gathering

convention really close to there and we got lost and we pulled in like oh this is the rdv

and um you have some magic together no quite we were like oh shit's the rdv and then i looked

and um anthony penny hardaway was coming out and like oh god and i wasn't driving like my friend

was driving i was in high school still and i looked and it's penny hardaway and i'm like

Like, oh, my God, it's pretty hard work.

And the windows are down.

Oh, my God.

He started to laugh.

I was like, what's up?

And he got in his car.

His voice is cracking.

Yeah, just like that.

Did you know that my brother played basketball with?

Like, some kind of game, basketball game with?

One-on-one with Daryl Armstrong.

Daryl Armstrong?

Yeah, and he won.

My brother won.

Daryl told him, if he can beat him, he'll take the shoes off his feet and sign them.

Oh, boy, Daryl Armstrong's shoes.

and he beat them

he beat them

and he took the shoes off

and signed them

and gave them to my brother

Daryl Armstrong

he's something else

Daryl Armstrong

had a TV commercial

for kids to wear

their helmets

with their bicycles

on TV

he's Daryl Armstrong

he was a

semi-okay

basketball player

for the Lionel Magic

and the whole commercial

he kept saying

hemlet

instead of helmet

and the local

the local radio

used to make fun of him

he's funny as hell though

I met him

yeah I never met him

but

But he seems nice.

Anyway, continuing on.

What's wrong with the music tonight?

It's all fucked up.

Make kind of a slow show tonight, you know.

We just had fun with the Turkish guy and stuff.

Can I make a request for music?

What?

Joker.

Have you heard that song?

No.

Is that ICP?

No.

Johnny Rebel.

Alright, listen.

We got Lonesome Loser numbers to get to here.

Sorry, Gregulate.

RDB is closed.

Sorry, sir.

But if for some reason you happen to find another fitness place,

we could do that

okay that's funny

that you said that

happened in the RTV

that's like

the nicest gym

in fucking Orlando

they used to take us there

like two or three times

a year at school

really what

to go on the ice and shit

yeah

they're like

oh you see

this is what happens

up north

when it gets cold

up north

outside of Florida

the ice

this is what happens

to nipples

when they get cold

they used to have a

they had an ice skating

place in

in Orlando

I was like

I can never do that

like

it was fucking retarded

I fucking hate it.

I just like fucking

sliding around on the ice.

That might be fun

to do while you're high.

Or on shrooms.

My mom was terrified

of me jumping on a trampoline.

through it i want to watch you jump into my trampoline i'm kidding god goodbye trampoline

all right yeah um t-rock asked me to call this person in tennessee this is uh tuck's neighbor

tuck did you hear the beginning did you hear the beginning of two shows ago where the guy was like

what the fuck you want mike tucker yeah because i was on that call you started saying my name

i started the show at the very beginning the little things in the beginning so the guy's

is like what the fuck you want mike tucker yeah sounds like he's like your neighbor mike tucker

i'm sorry that was kind of a that is how they say i'm gonna like point to beat me up your neighbors

sound like that you come you go to the the diner and they say that the fuck you want mike tucker

the kids growing growing up wanting to kick my ass

it's like back to the future when they used to pick on marie's dad yes exactly yeah

I told you not to come here again.

Biff, man, he's a fucking asshole.

I actually saw Back to the Future 2 recently, and that's helpful.

Strangely, it doesn't hold up, but it does hold up.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Carolyn is not available at the time.

Please record your message.

She sounds like a doll face right there.

Oh, hey, Ken.

How you doing?

I forgot to say hi to you

What's going on Carlito

Get in the car

Has anyone ever

Passed out on air

Uh

I did once I think

No I did not

You have

I did not

Passed out on the air

Yeah you have

No I have not

I might be a contender

For that pretty soon

Well you

I know you

I'm so hot

I'm sorry

But us big boys

Know how to handle

Our liquor and shit

Yeah

If you pass out on weed

You're fucking stupid

I mean you can

Like fall asleep

And just get really high

But

You're gonna pass out

out like oh my god like suddenly you know that's yeah you're something else is wrong with you

you're doing that yeah you got like diabetes or something man yes

fucking falls over his chair legs up in the air shit out the floor yeah all right that's already

that was all the time i went to visit him once he's back the windows of my house opening shit

dude and the neighbors say that smells close the fuck well no smoking the garage oh you poor

Poor bastard.

I thought you smoked in the back back there.

Not anymore.

I mean, that's visible.

You have it like the dirtiest backyard patio I've ever seen.

I never use it back there.

Yeah, we did.

We smoked in your backyard on your birthday, your 21st.

We were back there smoking.

We called Zolar, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's another time we smoked back there.

We have the dirtiest backyard already, I swear to God.

We have so many cobwebs.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Emily is on.

They're not answering there T-Rock

I'm sorry I'll have to try them later

Sorry but

What did he want you to do with that?

What was that such a big deal to you?

No just prank requests

People request pranks here

We allow them to do that

We allow people to get involved

Yeah that's great

So we got a prank request here from Emma Royd

Emma Royd

I was thinking earlier this week

Emma's a cute name for a girl

if i ever had a girl it's like an emma but then royd yeah no it's not my last name isn't royd

but then i was like no people call because when anytime i see emma i always joke and i say enema

in my head and i could you know just can't do that i have a daughter named emma i get mad at

her and be like hey enema exactly the next thing you know she's in counseling hey enema what i say

that my own daughter um this uh here's a request a prank from emma royd this guy's some bloodhound

gang member from trenton new jersey i saw a video of him in which he gave out the phone number

in the midst of threatening the cops uh-huh naz jay-z and mark zuckerberg although he was

threatening all those people he can also be he can also be seen firing a gun into the air at the

end of the video he dares people to call him if they want to get it popping uh did we lose anybody

we lost gregory again yep well we got big ken big big ken big ted in the uk big tuck and big

This gangster guy sounds fantastic.

Where was this video?

Athena's hooked on those jail TV, like prison shows on MSNBC.

They just depress me, man.

Yeah, all of those.

Locked up and, you know, whatever.

God, I just can't.

Are they drama or reality?

What?

They're reality.

Yeah, they're realities.

Reality shows.

It's all weekend.

It's not just reality.

No, it is a reality.

But all weekend, she falls asleep and she leaves it on.

want to watch this shit you know what i mean like in the bedroom she moves in on the tv in the

bedroom it just depresses me and i end up having dreams that i'm in jail fucking guys they had

this one these guys were tattooing the whites of their eyes and stuff i saw that oh my god one was

like like red the other guy was black the one guy did a black she has black eyes and black pupils

even when uh that's not when locked up it's not on they got like to catch a predator it's like

you switch from one to the other it's like you guys can come up with something a little bit

better here yeah please all right trying to drag everybody down yeah that guy is he even doing that

anymore ever since he got caught cheating i don't think he's doing anything anymore no but on msnbc

like saturday nights man they do a marathon wow when that first came out was a shit but then was

like all right same thing over and over again the telephone number you have dialed is temporarily

not in service no the gangster is out of service i guess he got popping speaking of shows i saw

saw that old fear factor came back oh i missed it monday i forgot about it yeah i already told

me about that it was coming back shit uh any ufc fans uh i think the best ufc i've seen in forever

was on last weekend holy shit broken arm yeah man fucking uh who got their arm broken who was it one

of those brazilian kids the two twins or the two brothers the one got his arm broken um that was

was an awesome fight. And then John Bones

Jones choked

the fuck out of Machida.

That was pretty good. Good.

I never really talk about UFC, but I

catch it. Most of the time

when it was an event, I'd go,

my friend Eric, who I beat

in the playoffs here. Well, half

of the playoffs already. I don't know if you're paying

attention to the Fantasy Football League.

Fuck the playoffs. Yeah, because you suck.

You didn't make it to the winner's bracket.

You're in the losing fucking bracket.

Fuck you. Yeah, you suck. That's why.

I'm surprised you beat East Dog, man.

Okay.

Right when it doesn't matter, I have a fucking 200-point game.

You had a 200-point game?

Yeah.

When?

Last weekend?

This weekend.

Plaxico Burroughs got zero points for me.

Ah, right when it doesn't matter, then you, yeah.

Yeah, I have it, Maurice.

Fucking Romo gets 49.

What?

Hang on, Ken, what was it?

Try having, what'd you get?

What happened, Ken?

Oh, no, I was saying tonight's game with Jacksonville and the Falcons.

I had Maurice Jones-Drew in play tonight, and the Jaguars just got rolled, like, 41-7.

jaguars will do that you know yeah okay anyway hey we're uh dwindling down here let me uh start

picking things up here a little bit uk ted sent in a number uh who is this now uk ted

gay sauna did i already try this one i think probably is even in here okay that's working

i forgot i can't gotta remember that already tried that number i want to do this in japan

bob the flamboyant builder sent in a number ask if you can move in with this person tell

Tell him you're packed and ready to move in.

Be persistent.

Okay.

This is in Japan.

Speaking of Japan, there you go.

Leaving for about 10 minutes.

You're leaving in 10 minutes?

What?

No, for 10 minutes.

Oh, for 10 minutes.

All right.

Too bad.

Go get your act together, Artie.

Please.

Go clean your backyard, man.

Artie's fine.

I went over to that.

Remember that day.

I went over to Artie's house.

I think he's planning his passing out.

I went over to Artie's planning.

He's in some pillows.

He actually plans his passing out.

He's getting his pillows.

Putting the TV on.

Right channel.

Putting his hoodie on.

Make sure the cigarette is out.

Yeah, put the cigarette out, man.

Athena smokes, so she complains about the new cigarettes.

I guess they got these new things that makes them so they don't burn.

They don't catch on fire if you drop them.

Well, that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Well, no, they go out really, really fast.

You can't just leave them in your hand.

They go out real fast, so if you're talking while you're smoking, they keep going out.

Bob the Flamboyant Builder.

Something's up with that number you gave me.

In the format you gave it to me, it doesn't want to go.

so maybe clean it up put a country code in there or something i don't think that's going to work

okay listen folks here we are we've uh caught up on the request of pranks yeah we're here

and now we've got a lot of numbers from lonesome loser i think it's what time is it 11 30 what

time is it hang on yeah i think you know go to one o'clock so this is this is the halfway point

if i'm going to one o'clock and i started at 10 yeah this would be the halfway point okay good

i'm gonna take a break then real quick because i gotta regroup i gotta get some coffee or

or something, because I'm, like, getting slow here.

I'm going to get some soda or some tea.

Okay.

All right, guys, I'm sorry.

You know, I'm trying.

Slow night.

That happens.

Because we have, like, two-thirds of the listeners that we usually have, too.

I don't know what's going on.

Is there a ball game or a TV show?

No, I don't think so.

God, I hope not.

Anyway, all right, so when we come back, we've got more numbers to do,

more pranks to happen.

We're very excited about that, I'm sure.

Lonesome has sent in numbers for a French restaurant,

a petite cafe, Empire Grill and Tap Room,

catmandu kitchen where's catmandu india we got a few indian restaurants and the banana leaf

restaurant we talked to them recently it's a bob seger song i know that there you go we got

your uh requests are always welcome here of course as always yeah i uh i played a lot of

battlefield 3 this week and a little bit of skyrim too not much of skyrim been sick and

most of that battlefield 3 i want to try to finish the first player battlefield 3 campaign and start

playing some multiplayer here i'm stuck in iran right now i'm stuck in a little part i'm a little

little bit of trouble you can't be stuck in iran we're out of it i am very convinced that we're

going to be going to war with iran pretty soon they're forcing it on us you know i don't think

we're going to go to war with iran that isn't necessarily bad but i like how we lost we'll go

to war with pakistan the irony is they're too they're too powerful it would be a major conflict

well i think that's why i'm saying pakistan well it's pretty stupid that we're going to go to war

with iran after we pull out of iraq that's really fucking retarded you asked me it became

It became official this week.

But they're going to concentrate on Afghanistan

and moving to Pakistan.

And then once we rip and pillage

both those countries,

we'll start targeting Iran.

I don't know, man. Pakistan's a nuclear...

Pakistan's a nuclear power.

I don't know. We really should be...

We didn't see Iran either.

Was that? Iran, yeah.

It was Mars.

We lost the drones on Mars, I believe.

We lost the...

Obama asked on Monday.

he put a formal request asking for it back like okay please give it back well at least he's polite

and then i saw the interview like minute deba jod and he's like it seems they give us i think

they give us this throne they want us to have this spy plane literally that's what he said

america must want us to have this spy plane they claim they shot it down no it looks brand new it

didn't get shot down it's untouched it's not a it just it's probably just ran out of power so i

I forgot to charge it.

It went,

and it came down.

It probably just landed,

all safe.

And then the Iranians said

they can control it.

So we have figured out

how to control it.

It's probably not that special anyway.

It's probably got a big camera on it

and a computer

and a Wi-Fi connection.

Probably.

IG-69 could probably control it.

You don't think it's funny,

but the reason we're not invading

Iran and Pakistan

is that they have weapons

of mass destruction.

Well, Iran doesn't have them yet.

And Israel's just looking

for an excuse to fly over

and they probably are now.

I don't think any of the camera info is on the card or hard drive.

You think it's on Wi-Fi back to the cloud?

It's on satellite internet connection.

It's on some kind of wireless data back.

So there's nothing in a hard drive.

I doubt it.

There might be a little operating system running there.

Maybe something like Linux or something.

You know, the British UAVs are controlled by Xbox controllers.

There you go.

Should look into that.

All right, cool.

All right, guys.

Look, we're going to be right back.

It's break time.

I'm going to make a sandwich, get some coffee.

I expect you guys will do the same.

We'll be right back in about, I don't know, coffee?

But it might be a little too late for coffee.

Tea, tea, iced tea.

Make some iced tea.

Sweet tea.

All right, everybody.

When we come back, Tucker Mike with his special recipe for iced tea.

The new dog test.

Hot looking, extra flat house radio.

All the people are coming in.

I hope that when you die, you put your GPS in your box at the bottom.

But when you die, you open up the tractor at the bottom.

Check it and you go straight.

Head House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Cutletta woman.

Thank you who you are.

and we're back thank you everybody for uh hanging in there i literally got the

sandwiches out of the toaster oven as the music was starting i came around and

on

the line here, we got UK Ted, Tucker Mike, Evil Artie.

Oh, Carlito, that's where me and her went.

And Ken, who, what?

Me and, you know, who?

Tasha, yeah, what's up?

That's where we went last weekend.

Puff Daddy concert.

Bay Ridge.

Great sushi.

How many rolls we got total?

Best sushi in Orlando.

How many did you get?

15.

Ooh.

40 bucks.

I got 11.

I was going to say, how many did you eat and how many did she eat?

Well, she laid off of one of my Tempura ones.

They got the best sushi rolls, though.

Was that the first time you ever went there?

Was it me?

Yeah.

Artie's talking about this place that I went to.

So where was it?

It's, what is it, 20, 22 bucks all-you-can-eat sushi, but you have to eat it all?

It's 40 bucks.

I think you can share only if the order's another $20.

And whatever you don't eat, they charge you insanely a lot for like a roll.

Yeah.

Like $5 for a roll.

But dude, here's what happened.

Can I talk about weed?

Yeah, sure.

Whatever, yeah.

Okay, well anyways.

I don't know.

Bald guy you were talking about?

Bald guy.

The old bald guy who works there?

The old bald guy.

That works at the sushi place?

Yeah.

You said he's an asshole?

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.

Well, anyway, when my dog was wearing off, well, we were waiting for them this light, you know?

Okay.

Like, um, seven of them on the lift coming, and I'm like, I want one of each.

By the way, the salmon one, just like pussy.

Yeah, they do. They taste like salty pussy.

I know, but that's besides the point.

But, um, I go out, and I sit in the passenger seat, and we had a pre-tax bowl in there, you know?

Then, compartment, and take a hit.

The dog in the car, I didn't know, but I caused it.

Yeah.

Smoking?

I think he was watching me smoking.

Shit.

Because I bet that anyone's stoner.

everywhere's got stoners

that come in

you know

I know but when stoners

come in that's

so you get all sushi

for a whole night

so you get high

you get munchies

you come in

no when I get

when I get high

when I used to a lot

like you get the munchies

I end up like

I'm like super hungry

and I get full really fast though

you know what I mean

like I'm like whoa

I ended up

I usually end up

not eating way as much

I order a lot

like I'll go out

I'll go to 7-Eleven

and I'll get like

15 bucks worth of

fucking Cheetos

and a thousand things

and I'll only

so I won't eat that much

though of it

But I take that back now because one time I got really high with my ex-girlfriend

and I dragged her.

I dragged her.

I was like, we're going to go to all the fast food places today.

So we started at Waffle House.

We had waffles at Waffle House.

And then I got a Whopper at Burger King.

You know where this was, Artie?

This is over there in DeBerry, close to where you live.

I went to that Burger King that you go to a lot.

Oh, really?

I went to that Waffle House.

That's there.

I don't even think it's open anymore.

It's open.

All right.

I went to that Burger King, then I went to that McDonald's

to get fries, and then I

drove all the way to Orange City to get

a Frosty

from Wendy's.

Nah, I don't like Chick-fil-A.

I don't like Chick-fil-A.

There's a Chick-fil-A out there?

Chick-fil-A's been around forever.

In that town. I don't think so.

Oh, that Chick-fil-A.

Yeah, it wasn't around then.

That Chick-fil-A didn't show up until after I moved out of that town.

I never liked Chick-fil-A.

It's a big rip-off. It sucks.

Fuck, what am I fucking checking for?

Checking.

It is.

I'm in the chat room to put up a phone number for a guy in Japan.

I think we should prank it.

Okay, that's the number.

Yeah, that was a little broken from Bob the Flamboyant Builder.

Yes, good deal.

I'm a little rusty, but I used to live in Japan, so my Japanese is fairly good.

Oh, did you?

Mushy, mushy.

Hey, that reminds me.

What about milkman?

Yeah.

Let's try to call milkman real quick.

His real name actually has Japan in the title.

The milk woman.

Yeah.

There you are.

Well,

please enjoy the following music

while your party is being reached.

I sure hope.

Did you just back on the

am I fired again?

No, no, no.

I had a talk with him.

I told him I had to get over it.

Hey, man.

I could be in pussy.

Hey, Milkman.

You still busy?

I thought it was your voicemail.

Shut up, Barney.

I'm out.

I know.

I thought it was,

yeah, it sounded like his voicemail.

Milkman,

that sounds like your voice

when you go hello

and you give like five seconds.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, anyway,

you still busy?

Got out.

Okay, I'll call you back.

If I forgot,

got, then you call

myself, and I'll

call you, all right?

Or text me.

All right, see you,

man.

Bye.

All right, great.

Oh, can we call

a monkey at Burger

King?

I don't know if I

have the number.

I keep eating

until the end of

the air.

I'm sorry, guys,

man.

We have to

quiet.

I just want to

call him and ask

him about the

nude policy at

Burger King.

I'm sitting

with him.

I think today

they're giving away

free fries, so you

can fuck with them

about that, too.

Is that today or

tomorrow?

I think it's today,

the 16th.

Oh, man, I

missed my fries.

It was a prank where Jack matches him

where he was too late for the

Free Grand Slam at Denny's.

I can't do that every year.

He's like, no, you're wrong.

It's 8pm to 8am.

Or whatever, the opposite.

That guy stayed on forever.

Yeah, I know. Two calls and they were

long as fuck.

Anyway, Japan.

We will call Japan

and then after that

UK Ted we will

do some lonesome calls

maybe lonesome can find the monkey in Japan

I mean in Burger King

that I already like so much

are you trying to say monkeys are in Japan

no no no

are Japanese monkeys

the monkey is Saru

there you go

if I start shouting at them in Japanese

I mean nobody else would understand it

so it would just be amusing me

nobody else

there's no funny enough

funny enough it's also what they call President Obama

in the news media over there

oh geez

no it's not

President Monkey today

no in Japan

I wouldn't put it past them

and it's not that they're really

it's not

it's not that they're outwardly being racist

really it's just that they don't

really interact you know

there's a

advert campaign

in japan at the moment which is for a um like a hair care product called gatsby uh-huh and it's

um their adverts is just a group of rastafarian guys they sort of like fixing their hair

and in the room there's a chimpanzee dressed exactly the same as them just copying them

oh no seriously i'll um i'll see if i can find the pictures i'll post they love the rastafarians

yeah but uh these four rastafarians and a chimpanzee all dressed the same well recently

Recently, about four years ago, they had a campaign, a pamphlet campaign that were given out to tourists as they came into the airport there in Tokyo about what to do during an earthquake, before the big earthquake happened.

It was information for tourists of what to do in Japan when you're in an earthquake, and it had, like, Japanese animation, little cartoon, like, you know, duck and cover and all this stuff.

Yeah, they've always been earthquake aware, so.

Yeah, they are very earthquake aware.

They knew that was coming.

yeah they were ready for the big one but um they they for the black guy that they represent the

black tourist guy it's like freaking sambo like it's like the big red lips in the black face

yeah you know and like they totally yeah like i guess because someone came in the airport as a

black guy was like what the fuck like you know but that's what they they don't know i guess you

know like it's bad they just don't have that um but i guess since then they um they they fixed

it you know they took that out but that shit is whack but that's it though i mean they're not

obviously they're not trying to be offensive no they don't know i know yeah they don't know

because over here you're like all the time and they probably take a lot of offense to that but

they're polite like look when i call charlie all the time he doesn't get super mad about the

when i do that

That's a wrong one.

Suck it, suck it, and they'd love you a long time.

She's not responding.

Ari, turn off your hentai.

Let's just do a piecing voicemail.

We're doing a French voicemail.

Ari, turn off your hentai card, too.

We're doing a French voicemail.

Did you say I'm not doing anything?

What?

That was just a voicemail message.

Oh, that's it?

Yeah, it was just a repeat.

So they're closed?

No, it was the SoftBank.

SoftBank's a mobile phone company.

A cell phone company.

Oh, okay.

So it was going to a voicemail.

Yeah.

Well, fuck.

Well...

I was listening to RBCP once,

and this was pretty interesting,

what he did.

What?

I think some company,

I think it's called Bell in Canada.

When you call them to do shit about your account,

the phone company,

you just say,

at Bell, my voice is my password.

RBCP was watching a movie

where a voice password is

It's got pieces of the person's voice, you know, to break in.

So, yeah, he tried.

So he called up the guy and got him to say each of those words.

They played it together, and he got through.

He could do anything.

That RBCP is quite the trickster.

Yeah.

Quite.

Where is he tonight?

He's not around.

He's usually around for the show.

Jerk.

According to what Ari just said, he's probably in jail.

He's probably.

He deserves to be in jail.

Good for him.

Yeah.

Bastard.

Roy.

Hey you want to call

Let's call for something

Let's get some product

Not the Audi guy

I don't have his number

I should have saved it

He never answered

He hasn't answered

Those first two calls

Fresh content

Yeah

No

It's Genie Bra

Health Master

What was the Health Master

Was that the

No

The New Wave Oven

Is what we should call

I'm pretty sure

New Wave Oven

Closes at midnight

No they don't

They don't

I called them a blackout

Like at one o'clock

In the morning

Two weeks ago

already order an oven or anybody can't even let this on how are you doing ma'am for you right okay

this call is being recorded for quality assurance okay with you no it's not but whatever well then

yes ma'am okay and were you calling in a place in order today yes i am but um i have a question

about the oven yeah how long does it take like when i cook the food and eat it how long does

How long does it take you to take a shit in the toilet?

I thought as long as it would take for anybody to.

How long does it take for you?

How long does it usually take you?

Well, sometimes it takes me four hours, but I don't want to make it take three hours.

You know, quicken the shitting.

We need a doctor about that.

We want to make sure we get our money's worth.

You might want to talk to a doctor about that one.

Well, how long does it take you with the shit in the oven?

Who is this?

This is Cross.

How long does it take you to shit in the oven?

In the toilet.

I'm sorry, in the toilet.

I forgot.

I made a mistake.

You got multiple personalities?

Mm-hmm.

You do?

My voice changed.

You should probably talk to a doctor about that, too.

No, I'm asking you.

I should ask your doctor?

What's your doctor's information?

It's 1-800-LIFE.

Will your doctor tell me about the miscarriage you had?

Hello?

No.

She did have a miscarriage.

That's not funny, Artie.

Why'd you say that?

Because she hung up, bro.

Oh, okay.

Thank you for calling in to order your new wave oven.

My name is Jody, and I just want to let you know this call will be recorded for quality

Yeah, my wife is spotting.

Excuse me?

My wife is spotting.

I think you have the wrong number.

This is for the new wave.

Yeah, she turned it on and she started spotting.

She turned her oven on and she's spotting?

She's spotting, yeah, like in her panties or spots.

She has spotting coming, like hemorrhaging.

Okay, what would you like me to do about that?

Well, I want your information.

I want to know what it says there about women spotting.

Sir, this is a new wave oven ordering line.

Okay.

I think you have the wrong phone number.

No, we turned on the new wave oven and my wife started spotting immediately.

immediately okay well i don't know i can't do anything about that what does that usually mean

i'm concerned she doesn't know she just started getting her period okay well maybe then she should

call her doctor sir well she's never had her period before until she just started getting it

for the first time this year so we're not very okay well i can't do anything about that well

what does it usually mean to you like if you start spotting what could it be are you you're a woman

you know what this they tell you this stuff right i'm a man i don't know that's what i'm saying you

You should probably call her doctor, sir.

But can't you just tell me what it usually means for a woman to start spotting?

Is it dangerous?

I don't.

I can't.

If you started spotting right now, what would you do?

Would you just put a tampon on or would you, like, call a doctor?

I would probably call 911.

911 for spotting?

Is that serious?

Well, if she's never had it before, probably.

Oh, my God.

What about the baby?

I would call her doctor, okay?

And what's the New Wave Oven have to do with the spotting?

Why did it start?

I mean, it's fun.

I have a phone number.

I can just have them call you.

Yeah, if you want.

I don't know.

Can you connect them?

Can you transfer me?

All right, well, I'll come to you, okay?

Who's them?

Who are they?

The police.

You said the doctor, not the police.

Okay, well, I'm going to call 911,

so they're going to send the police to your door.

You're going to call 911 there where you are

to run New Mexico over here?

This is silly.

I lost a patient.

This is silly.

Silly.

Can I have a go at calling one of these,

the new right guys?

You want to call them?

Sure.

She's a very clever girl.

She makes sure to put out a sign about it

It's going to be recorded

Jill says she'd call 911 if she broke a nail

I like that

She would

Oh my god, I know

Thanks for calling in to order your new wave oven pro

My name's Lynn and we do record the call

Is that okay?

Yeah, that's fine, thanks

Okay, and who am I speaking with?

My name's Jim

Hi Jim, are you calling in to order?

Yeah, I just wanted to check something actually

I've just been looking at pictures and stuff

on the video, on the infomercial, right?

Sorry, can you hear me okay?

I can.

Oh, good, okay.

No, I just wanted to check.

Am I good to cook shellfish in the new wave?

Shellfish, they're going to send you, you know,

that's customer service.

I really don't know for sure.

Right.

They're going to send you...

Well, the thing is, I wanted to use it specifically for lobster.

Is that correct?

I don't, I really don't know.

Yeah, well, when I...

Pay attention.

When I cook lobster, obviously, they're live when you put them in the pot.

You boil them live, obviously.

Is that okay in the new wave?

I doubt it highly, sir.

But, no, I mean, you know, this is how you cook lobster and crab as well.

You boil them live.

Yeah, I know you boil it, but I doubt highly you could put live ones in a new wave.

Well, what live things could I put in the new wave?

Sir, really, are you calling into order?

Well, I need to check that this is okay for what I want first.

You know what, though?

I'm going to give you the customer service, and they can deal with you.

Yeah, you transfer them.

Are you ready?

Sure.

Do you have a pen?

No, you're going to transfer me.

No, I can't do that, sir.

I'm in the call center.

Okay, but you can tell me which live things I can put in the oven, right?

No, I really can't, because I don't know.

But you have a nice night, okay?

Jews.

Where are Jews coming in the whole thing?

I'm going to ask her if New Wave Open will make you sterile.

Thank you for calling New Wave.

This call will be recorded for quality assurance.

Is that okay?

Record, yes.

Record, please.

Okay, and who am I speaking with?

This is Horse.

Okay, and are you calling in to order a new wave oven?

Yes, I was curious the different attachments that you have.

What do you mean different attachments?

You have several, a whole myriad of things you can order with it, right?

The drink maker and all that?

We have the baking kit, the party mixer, and the twister.

We also have the extender ring kit and the pizza kit.

Okay, all right.

Is that something you're interested in?

Yeah, which other ones do you have?

That's all that we have.

I was specifically looking for the one that you could use to cook the horse.

Okay, well, I don't know how I'm going to help you with that.

You should probably try to Google it, though.

No, there's an attachment for it.

This is stupid.

There is a horse attachment.

I know there is.

Artie?

Very unhelpful customer service people.

Must be a small call center to catch it on that quick.

Where did the horse start?

I must have not been privy to this.

Hi, I think we're calling the audience of the Wave Oven Pro.

My name's Lynn.

We do record the call.

Is that okay with you?

Yeah, that's fine.

Ryan, how many cigarettes do you smoke?

She does smoke cigarettes.

Have another bourbon.

Of course she does.

I'm going to hop in the shower real quick.

I'm going to be weirded.

Speaking of which, I'm going to start smoking cigarettes.

I started smoking this week.

Smoking cigarettes.

You started smoking cigarettes?

Yep.

Cigarettes.

What the fuck are you saying?

Smoking gets you glaucoma.

I don't know.

No.

I'm leaving for about 20 minutes.

All right.

You know what cigarettes makes you do?

Makes it happen to you?

Makes you horny.

You want another cigarette?

Mm-hmm.

It makes you rock hard.

I like suits.

It makes you rock hard.

So is Ryan fixed now, then, Carlos?

Nope.

No, not fixed, no.

It's getting there slowly.

Like, yesterday I went out, I was on my way to my interview, I can't drive, but I was

getting a ride to my interview, which is embarrassing to get a ride to an interview, but I could

see a little more.

Yesterday I could see, you know, some little details and stuff, you know.

My bad.

bad i just i was listening to the podcast and it just sounded like so much effort to go into just

for one eye you know lying on your face for a week oh my god it's crazy well the thing is just uh

when you just cut it out and wear an eye patch like he almost did cut it out he said he got to

it and he said all it was the eye was so bad that all the blood vessels in the eye were white i don't

know if i talked about this part but all the blood vessels were white behind the eye he said the eye

was basically dead and he contemplated as soon as he started just taking the eye out literally

contemplated it and he said let me let me try i don't think so he couldn't even see the retina

the retina is like the size of a stamp and it had detached and it was somewhere in there

and he started he started he said luckily he was able to um to get it working he scraped uh there

was all the scar tissue in the back from the bleeding that had happened what happens is the

scar tissue your retina i mean your eyes it's just a big ball it's full of this jelly your retina sits

on the back and that's like the film in a camera all right the light comes in and the film is your

right now so uh yeah i guess whatever so that's how this is what my doctor my korean doctor told

me right so anyway uh he's an ice cream scoop the the no like little microscopic instruments but

he started scraping basically what happens is it gets scar tissue forms on the back wall of the eye

and it starts pulling on it like it puckers it up you know and that's what because it stretches it

in you know and that's what pulled my retina off in the back there and i remember the minute my

my retina detached

because it was like

it was actually

I already had the surgery

ready to go

I had my injection

I was just waiting

for Monday to come

and it was Sunday morning

and I was sitting down

all of a sudden

I saw like a flash in my eye

he's like

did you see a flash in your eye

I said yes

yeah that's when it pulled off

he said

you saw a flash

and it went away real quick

and I was like yeah

and after that

I had like a big dark circle

a perfect circle

in my eye vision

he said oh yeah

that's when it was

so what do I have to do

like what major life changes

do I have to make

for this not to happen to me

because that sounds horrible

Well, you're British, so you guys don't have a big diabetes problem there in Britain, I don't think, right?

I don't think that's a big problem over there, is it?

Not so much, but it is getting worse.

We're getting serious obesity issues now.

We're catching up.

Catching up with the USA.

Catching up.

We're the fastest country in Europe.

Oh, yeah, I guess that would make sense.

Well, listen, and what's with the, you know, and they say the French have the next factor.

Your diet, your diet as a country is horrible.

Well, not as bad as France.

not as bad as France

and everyone

I was reading a book

on diabetes

and I said

one of the things

they're trying to figure out

is how the French

don't seem to be

that affected

by long term health effects

they are

but not like

to the extent

as they are

in the United States

and other parts of Europe

it's because

a lot of the fats

that the French consume

are dairy based

they drink

a lot of fat

outside of Britain

where you go in the world

wanting British cuisine

don't

right

whereas in America

the fats

are that cornstarch-based.

Yeah, that's the truth.

That's our own government

fucking it up for everyone else

in recent years.

Well, I read a book.

The recipes were great back in the day.

Just go to the grocery store

and you'll see about the whole corn.

I read a book recently

and there's a documentary out there too.

I saw when I was facing down

during that time,

I saw a documentary on my phone

on Netflix on the Android app

all about the corn thing.

them it's pretty wicked like and the book i did an audio book that i listened to and the guy says

from the moment you walk into the grocery store everything is corn like act from from the meat

has been corn fed to all the products he said even the the vegetables now are sprayed with corn

based um waxes and stuff to make them shiny and it was fruiting wasn't it yeah well no no no

different one fruiting didn't go as i forget what it's called it's a book it's it's called

called the tragedy of the carnivore something like that i don't know but um goes into detail

and then uh he even says it even down to the building itself that you're walking into

the walls the paint the plastic bags everything is made out of it has corn in it you know the

materials that build the grocery store you're in is all corn corn all over it's all one strain of

corn as well isn't it it's a monoculture that's what's really dangerous it is fairly recent too

I mean, in history, maybe 15, 20 years at the most, this has started to happen.

Well, yeah.

Well, there were parts of, I mean, the Midwest was always, I mean, always proud of, you know, we're corn-fed and this and that.

We're corn-fed, but not.

But the cattle were still, you know.

Monsanto.

Yeah, Monsanto.

It's new.

Yeah, because basically they've got corn to the point now where it doesn't procreate at all.

and you need to buy the seed from osanto whoever every year because the first yield is like huge

huge yield you'll get if you use the same seed the second year you get a third of what you did

the first time and after that it doesn't reproduce at all oh man it's crazy actually uh it's been

known that a single strand of human hair contains actual corn so yeah that is how much corn is being

in The Hoot's Fly.

Yeah.

Let me,

I want to look,

I want to recommend

this book,

Tuck,

you might,

I don't know,

if you watch Dignation,

is it over yet?

I think this is the last week

of Dignation, right?

Isn't that it?

I don't know.

You're going away.

I haven't viewed Dignation

regularly.

Me neither.

Yeah,

it was either last week

or this week,

but,

the last Dignation,

but I saw a recent one

and Kevin Rose

recommended this book

about the corn problem.

problem uh what's it called here the i just i can't find it am i in audiobooks here let's see

game of thrones michael pollan audacity of hope no i can't find it ah the omnivore's dilemma that's

what it is the omnivore's dilemma i recommend it bigger question is it even really corn anymore i

mean they're getting so so good at it gmo yeah exactly i don't know and they they said like

even fish now like they're breeding uh salmon that'll live off of corn instead of being a

carnivore all right well continuing on mikey129's here hey man hey thank you thank you for joining

us hey did you see that image i put up uh no where we don't look at images image free society

madhouse anniversary mission patch oh cool yeah you were asking what anniversary year

is i don't know we started 2005 so we missed the fifth and sixth anniversary we didn't do

anything for the 5th or 6th anniversary.

Because you're out of

living or whatever.

So it'll be the July.

This coming July will be the 7th anniversary.

7 years of the show. Really?

Oh, so we're already in 6?

We're already past 6?

We're in season 6 right now. We're in the middle of season 6

right now, technically.

It's in the IRC?

There we go. Let me see.

We've got to get our shit together

and do a big huge

uh seven i like it masterson little john little john's one word sir oh ralph oh no no ralph little

john is one word the real ralph little john does exist and actually i he's a friend of mine from

high school played football with me talks exactly like the dad has that voice like the slow cp kind

of thing and um i actually found him on facebook and we've been talking to each other and i told

him that uh his name is used on my show he's sort of cracking up he's like are you he's like

Like, are you for real, man?

And, yeah, so he wants me to, he's a trucker.

He wanted me to give him a call.

He's this overweight Filipino dude that played football with me in high school.

Funny, awesome guy.

Ah, the trifecta right there.

Overweight, Asian, and plays football.

How about that?

And he's a trucker now, too.

Trucker?

Yep.

Yeah, Andy used to pick on him a lot, dude, back in high school.

All the time.

He actually asked.

He's a trucker.

Is Miltman not on tonight?

Oh, she was supposed to call him back, right?

He was going to call us.

Yeah, we'll call him.

He's Mr. Busy.

Oh, yes.

I have something going on.

He's Mr. Busy Pants.

Yeah.

Okay, listen.

This song reminds me

we've got to do prank calls.

Let's do them.

Lonesome Loser Numbers.

Let's do them.

Madness.

Who needs having a pit?

What if they die

having a pit?

That's true.

guru and i will teach you you guys got into the whole discussion in the chat room during the break

there i saw about going to war pakistan iran interesting stuff and then the election someone

said obama got re-elected i i saw that uh obama this week asked for um email addresses of

republicans like if you have email addresses of republicans send them here we want to message

them i guess the the going conspiracies that uh the uh obama re-election campaign is going to

to email them to support during the primaries whatever candidate they think is the weakest

so that'll be the candidate that gets put through by the republican party against obama

i would suspect this newt gingrich and i suspect it's already happening to be honest with you i

don't know i think the returns from i saw some results from iowa today where newt gingrich is

in fourth place actually you were at the new hampshire primary have you already had the new

hampshire no not not till january not till january all right the first one's always new hampshire

right? Isn't that the first one? Yeah. They moved it earlier this year because Florida moved theirs

really early. So they're having some fun. We'll do ours later. You should ban Floridians from

boasting. Shut up. On restaurant then so we can help you. Yeah hi is this France food? Who? Is

this France food? Francie? France food. Yes sir. France food yeah listen when I eat there do I

instantly become scared of people and not want to fight? I ate your food and I became scared of

people and i wouldn't fight hello yeah is it on yet can you stop the piano music thanks for

holding may i have you please yeah are you french no i'm ha ni hao ma yeah what can i do for you

you can go shove it up your ass if you do it is that what you want me to put in your ass

is you have a big ass no no you speak it to your own mother you have a great big ass yes hello

you were saying something anybody want to talk to him he seems interested anybody

No, not yet.

Charlie won't tell me.

He thinks it's hilarious when we say it, but...

He's like, what'd you say?

That's funny.

I'm eating two sandwiches.

This is bad.

Goodie?

Yeah?

This is Chinese, man.

Like preservation?

Yeah, I'm going to touch your hair and stroke it and smell it.

Hey, you want to touch my cock?

Do you have hair on it?

You son of a bitch.

Does it have hair?

Huh?

Does it have hair?

You're stupid.

You're stupid, you know?

Can I smell?

down there?

But it has sparkles on it, I bet.

And it smells like gummy bears.

IG69 added a phone number.

Phone number for who, IG69? What are you trying to pull here?

Okay. IG69 is off his game

today. I don't know what's going on.

I mean, he's not laughing at his own jokes again.

He's playing with himself.

I do that at 14 a lot, man. I did.

Shit.

It's nuts.

I'm not ashamed to say I got cuts

on my wang for a while.

I was doing it so much.

it was irritated

I'm not

I think every guy

has had that problem

right guys

man pour a little

Listerine on there

you'll be alright

yeah

hello you have

reached the pound

restaurant

able to answer

you

little bitch

ok

Hamilton Petit Cafe

where is it

my little coffee

one dozen

heck

IG69 give us

your grandma's number

you've reached

heaven

two five

what is health master

I don't remember

I got health master

here but

oh that's the

the Montel

Williams

blender

until ian's blender he was selling a blender yeah okay yeah and he sells it and that uh sylvia

whatever psychic came on and putting his name on sylvia she's always with him hello hello

this is the health masters uh yes thank you for calling about the health master yeah i saw that

that sylvia brown and was talking about it too okay this is jerry huh uh ensure proper handling

and Quality Assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Oh, yeah, I can do it.

Me?

Yes.

Okay, would you like to place an order?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

May I have your first name?

My first name is Horse.

Okay, your last name?

Carrot, Tuck.

Why would you say that?

Hey, Horse Carrot, Tuck.

I don't...

Why not Horse Carrot?

Why not Horse Pony?

Hello.

Calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.

This is Benita.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance,

this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yeah, I'm Kyle's brother.

Okay, may I have your first name, please?

This is Tony.

Okay, Tony, and your last name?

Horse.

Is that H-O-R, can you spell it for me, please?

H-O-R-S-E.

Okay, one moment.

Okay, the Health Master is a great way to eat healthy and reach a goal of living well

by preparing whole, fresh foods in minutes.

Today, you'll get the Living Well Health Master, the Super Swim Me Diet Plan,

and four recipe books offered as...

Hello?

No.

Yes?

All for just four payments of $49.99 plus processing and handling.

And the Healthmaster is available in black and red.

How many would you like in each color?

I want five blacks, and I'll give them a basketball.

I'm sorry?

Five blacks, and you give them a basketball.

Okay.

And you don't want any reds?

No, God.

That's racist.

Okay.

Everyone knows that black people are better at basketball than Indians.

Have you ever seen Native Americans play basketball?

Jeez.

There's a whole point to that, guys.

Blacks and reds.

You get it?

Yeah, no, blacks, reds, blacks.

Yeah, no, communists and, you know, uh, yeah.

Hello.

Who is that?

I don't know.

I just thought it would be funny.

That's horse Edith.

Is this the health master?

Yeah, Edith is deep in there.

Horse.

Yeah, so that's to order a health master?

What the hell?

Well, I don't know why.

I took IG-1699.

He keeps hitting buttons.

What's his problem?

Yeah, that's, I don't know what that is.

Stupid.

All right, you guys don't interrupt this time.

You mean no more host noises?

This is maybe later into it, not the beginning.

You're fired.

Hello, and thank you for calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.

This is Monica, and to ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this cover will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes.

May I have your first name?

Jose.

Okay.

One sec.

Sorry.

My system is very slow.

Of course.

Excuse me?

Yes.

May I have your last name?

Hernandez.

I'm sorry.

I cannot hear you very clear, sir.

Hernandez.

Excuse me?

Jose Hernandez.

Okay.

Okay?

Horse.

One sec.

Your master is a great way to eat healthy.

Excuse me?

My horse is acting up.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

If you're going to be funny, sir, you might want to call later.

No, listen.

I'm grooming my horse.

Otherwise, I'm going to report you.

Thank you.

I find that funny.

I don't know why.

You didn't find it funny, Tuck?

Is that what it was?

No, they didn't.

No?

Okay.

That's okay.

And I'm just reiterating.

I'm going for the genie, brah.

The genie, brah.

If you're interested in purchasing a genie bra, but have a question about our sizes,

please press 1 to hear more information about sizing.

If you want to order for the genie bra, please press 2.

They must do.

They're mammals, but I can't imagine it.

Horse.

I'm KDK.

I smoke cigarettes.

Thank you for calling to order the genie bra.

My name is Mary, and I'll be helping you today to make sure we provide the best service possible.

This call will be recorded, okay?

Okay.

All right, may I have your first name, please?

Yeah, well, this is for my wife.

Do you need my first name?

Well, if it's for your wife, then we'll use your wife's name.

Well, it's a gift for her.

I don't want her to know.

Oh, okay.

Your name is fine, then.

My name is Ted.

Ted, okay.

And your last name, Ted?

Asher.

A-S-H-E-R?

Yes.

All right.

Honk, honk.

Now, with today's exclusive offer to you.

Oh.

Yes, go ahead.

Are you there?

Yes, go ahead.

All right, with today's exclusive offer to you.

Honk, honk.

You will receive three genie bras, perfect for any occasion.

One in nude, one in white

For only payments of $19.99

Free processing and handling

She's trying not to laugh, you heard her

You should have told her it was for you

Instead of your wife

Don't tell my wife

Don't tell my wife about it, man

Just want to feel pretty

Alright guys, the Katmandu kitchen

I connect Milkman and Lion, but you guys are being all

Discombobulated and loud

And he's just going to get mad about it

No, he won't like that.

You're not talking over Carlito.

I'll call him later.

Hi, dummy.

What kind of food is this?

Sorry?

Honk.

Is this Indian food or what exactly?

Yes, sir.

Honk, honk, honk, honk.

Hello?

Sorry?

Honk, honk, honk.

Yeah, I want to make an order then.

Yes, sir.

Pick up.

To go out.

Honk.

For pick up.

Come collect it.

Okay.

Honk.

Okay.

How would you like, sir?

One order of, let's see.

Do you have papadums?

Papadums

Do you have pilau rice?

Pilau rice

And one bhenchod

One bhenchod

Ban-chud

Ban-chud, do you have that?

You bastard

You black crow

Are you Bengali? What are you?

Bastard

Your mother is here right now

No, I'm mother-treating her.

I'm treating your mother.

Do you have a sister?

No.

Do you have a sister?

No, no, no, no sister.

I want him, man.

I have a brother.

You want him, don't you?

You motherfucker.

You gay.

You black crow bastard.

I'm Indian.

You remember?

No.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Hey.

Why is that man talking to me like that?

What did you say?

Why is that man talking to me like that?

Hey, we got your number, man.

Why is he talking...

I gave the police...

Listen, you stupid Indian.

Why is he talking to me like that?

What?

You stupid Indian.

Bhenchod.

Why is he talking to me like that?

Your mouth, okay?

Shut your mother's legs, please.

It smells bad.

And I gave your number to the police, and you will do as well for that.

Did you do it all right?

No.

I don't understand.

Speak English, please.

Say it again.

You understand, man?

Mm-mm.

What?

Don't call here, okay?

Do you wash your hands after you shit in the toilet?

Do you wash your hands in the toilet?

That was nice.

That guy sounded like an ulu kapata.

You did.

Ted, why don't you talk to him?

Since you want to talk to someone.

You can say that again.

I can't be relied upon to make prank calls tonight, I'm afraid.

Oh, dear.

I'm just sipping tea and watching The Queen on the BBC.

Oh, dear.

I'm terribly busy.

I have an empire to run.

Hey, the mother is not here.

What?

Hello?

The mother is not here.

Is this the Indian restaurant?

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Kathmandu?

Yes.

Yeah, sorry, I'd like some place and order, please.

Well, I was going to, but then you started swearing at me.

I'm a little offended.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, um, sorry, I want you to explain to me why you were swearing at me.

Hey, what do you want?

I wanted to make an order. I wanted to reserve a table and order some food, but as soon as you answered the phone, you started swearing at me. Explain yourself.

We can serve food for you.

Yeah, you're not going to serve me food, because I called you trying to reserve a table, and you started swearing at me.

We are closed right now.

Bhenchod.

Okay?

Bhenchod.

Hello?

What?

You're motherfucker Bhenchod, right? Matrchud? Is that what that means? When you have... Do your mother?

Huh?

Your mother, you know?

Where is your mother?

She's here, man.

No, no, she's dead.

She's here?

No, no, she's dead.

She's in front of me.

I have no mother.

I never had a mother.

My mother is your mom.

Your mother is my mother.

I better fuck her.

Yeah, you fucking shit.

You stupid little shit.

Stay on the line, you stupid asshole.

Good evening, sir.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

I don't know why I need crap.

Thank you.

One second.

Thank you, buddy.

Thank you.

Nice guy.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I'd like to make an order.

Can I get your name, please?

Yes, this is Ashoka.

What's your Ashoka?

Uh-huh.

And what's your phone number?

It's 858-947.

858-507.

Uh-huh, extension 947.

We are closing like 10 p.m., right?

I'm coming there to pick it up.

Do you have pilau rice?

Yes, pilau rice, okay.

Okay, one order of papadums.

One order of papadums, okay.

And one order of stinky bhenchod.

What is this?

Bhenchod.

What is this?

Bhenchod is

You know

My friend said the order

Bhenchod

What is this?

Matarchud and Bhenchod

It's the wrong place

You have to go to

No

You're a Bhenchod right?

Because of your

Your mother and your father

Hello

He didn't get mad

He was about to

We can help you?

Yes I made an order

For your sister

Is she ready to pick up?

Yes

What's your name?

Meshoka

What's your order sir?

One order of

Palau rice

One order of

Papadums

And one sister

about your sister i want to have your sister do you have mother come on man how many fathers

huh you big nose bastard you hold on one minute uh one minute okay quiet okay those are some indian

numbers that we called we have one indian restaurant left would anybody like to call

an indian restaurant anybody anybody out there carlito uh uh in the uh skype chat i put that

link to that video again what skype chat you want to play that what skype chat what skype chat

Why don't I have a Skype chat?

Hang on.

Let me see.

There's a video?

Yeah, that one with Jenna Juice.

Oh.

Okay.

Yes.

Thank you.

Why is it not coming up?

Can you PM it to me in the chat room?

Are you in the IRC?

Uh, no, but I can get back in there.

Or I can do it on Yahoo.

This is not coming up for me.

Hang on.

Show IM.

It's not.

Hang on.

Let me try now.

Show IM.

Excuse me.

No, nothing.

Sorry.

I'll do it on Yahoo.

Hang on.

Yahoo?

IG69 is calling back.

IG69, are you going to contribute or what?

Yeah.

Okay.

Why were you hitting buttons on the phone?

What's your problem?

It was an accident.

All right.

Why is it something that you got low bandwidth or something?

Now what's going on?

What?

Mm-hmm.

Why are you being quiet?

Can you give us your parents' phone number?

Go get your home phone number for me, IG-69.

I'll be right here.

Quick.

I'm talking to the guy who was coming in as buyers as boss.

I had a guy who really liked that.

Was that you, IG-69, or was that someone else?

Me.

Maybe.

It was you, I knew.

Yeah.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message to the tone.

That Indian place is out of business for the night, unfortunately.

Unfortunately, the other one that Lonesome Loser called, or got for us.

All right, everybody, we're here.

Madhouse Radio.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

Yeah, dude.

Artie, we got Popeyes.

You want to call Popeyes?

I put my home phone under the tape.

No, not really, but I do have breaking news.

Breaking news.

Go ahead.

My bathroom still smells like shit.

Did you open a window or light a match or anything?

My bathroom.

Yeah, yeah.

Light a match.

Am I going to hold a match up in there?

That makes it worse.

That match shit doesn't work.

never worked for me how was that somehow single may i kick a little something for the cheese

few ends as i breeze through two he's still jumping because my mama at home i got bitches

in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving till six in the morning what you gonna do

shit i got a pocket full of rubbers on my homeboys do too turn off the lights and close the doors

but but what we don't love them hoes yeah so we're gonna smoke an ounce of this jesus up hoes down

While your motherfuckers bounce to this

I knew that song

Another no answer

I'm pretty good at that rap music huh

It helps when that's all you heard

Every day

20 times a day

On the radio

I don't know why

People talk in rap music

Why don't they just sing

Cause then it would be R&B

You're one to talk

You live in Brooklyn

That's probably all you listen to

Yo yo yo

How come you're white

And you live in Brooklyn

I don't get it

That's Harlem

You're singing in Harlem

Are you near Marcy

The Marcy Projects

Yeah

No

Harlem is where the Blacks are.

That Popeyes is close, too.

Don't you know where Marcy Projects is?

No, I have no idea.

You don't know where Marcy's son?

Marcy's son?

You don't know where that is?

Marcy?

That's in Brooklyn.

Oh, shit.

IG-16.

I don't think you're from Brooklyn, man.

I think you're talking about Harlem.

No, man.

That's where the Blacks are.

Isn't it in Brooklyn?

Marcy Projects.

Where Jay-Z and the shit are from.

Marcy.

The Marcy.

Well, Harlem is a district of Brooklyn.

Actually, Larry's from there, too, I thought.

So, he wouldn't have any idea.

No.

There's also a section where it's just for civic Jews, too.

I don't think he knows anything about it.

Well, I heard Harlem wasn't bad, though.

Like, Harlem isn't bad, is it?

Yeah.

Hey, Blackhorn.

What?

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

An order?

Yeah, you just turn off your stupid music over there and stop being so fucking loud.

Probably not.

Thanks for calling, though.

You stupid woman.

I don't know.

I don't have any gas.

LTM's here.

I'm going to track Matt.

What's going on?

Hey.

Hey, man.

What's up, fellas?

Well, thank God.

You can say beer can in an English accent,

and you can say bacon in a Jamaican accent.

Okay, Matt.

You can, hey.

Beer can.

I can't do it.

Beer can.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Beer can.

Beer boy.

Beer can.

Laugh Track Matt, do you know,

have you ever heard of the Marcy Projects Laugh Track Matt?

I'm sure you have.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You see?

And there's a kid here in Brooklyn

that has never heard about it.

I have no idea what you're talking about either.

I don't know.

I was on a law and order SVU.

Yeah.

Well, your snoop rendition was fucking awesome, Carlito.

Thanks.

That was awesome.

This is angry.

Marcy Houses, Marcy Projects,

a public housing complex built and operated

by New York City Housing Authority,

located in Bed-Stuy.

I thought you said you lived in Bed-Stuy,

as a matter of fact.

Bed-Stuy neighborhood of Brooklyn

It's in Bed-Stuy

I'm thinking maybe he didn't hang out

With colored people

You know the neighborhood

That you're not allowed to go to

Your parents say you can't go down that road

That's probably where it is

Yes, exactly

Come on, please.

I used to go buy fucking weed.

Like, I would go with my black friends

and buy weed in this one project in Chicago.

The expressway, it's torn down now.

But, like, they would make me park across the street and they would just run over because they're, like, they're going to think you're a cop or something and fucking shoot you.

Like, we'll just run over.

You stay parked behind this building here.

No one just will run over and grab the shit.

Yeah, there was a neighborhood like that.

Artie, if you're there, you know Midway and Sanford, you know what I'm talking about?

Midway in Chicago?

Midway Airport?

for it no there's a there's a little airport just north of orlando and there's a ghetto there's a

ghetto called midway right by it and yeah it's pretty bad florida is crazy yeah that's why legend

does well down there yeah yeah dude i saw i saw a video legend had on his youtube of him going to

disney he was and these disney security guys are like you can't record here i was like the fuck

It's Disney. Everyone's got a camcorder

24-7.

Well, it's something about him.

I don't get it.

Why can't I do this?

That's like my life.

I'm like, I'll be the guy at Disney

that tells everyone, you can't take fucking video here.

Like, what? It's fucking Disney.

Everyone's taking video of everything.

Don't wear a punk rock.

They don't like the way you're pointing the camera.

They think you're pointing the camera

in a suspicious way, and you have a turban

and red and a beard

and a gown

they're going to

take you out.

Wearing a turban and a shiki

was a bad outfit choice.

Probably.

We're just having an anti-gay shirt

maybe at Disney.

No, a pro-gay shirt.

No.

You haven't been to Disney World, dude.

That's like all gay.

I know.

I used to hear

about a lot of punk rockers

getting thrown out of there back in the day.

Yeah, probably.

At Disney World?

Yeah.

A friend of mine used to go there on acid all the time.

He was in, I think,

Epcot, and he was tripping off of acid

really bad, and he got kicked out.

I remember.

He started freaking out.

Of all the places you went,

if you want to have a really bad trip,

if you have a bad trip at Disney,

That good trip can turn bad like that.

Yeah, but if you went there

and it was crowded,

if you were a local and went on a weird day

and you just knew there wasn't going to be

a lot of people, then you could just

cruise around Epcot

and ride around that silver

fucking ball thing

and lick at all the bullshit.

Crowds of people is not...

I went stoneballed all the time

to Disney.

Universal especially.

Especially, like, you don't know how many times, like, I would get to Universal, I'd go to the very top of the parking lot and smoke, like, two bowls of, like, Crippi, like, really fast.

Yeah.

And then fucking, and then, like, you know, just take the people mover in and, oh, my God.

You guys have to go to Busch Gardens.

Yeah.

That's my favorite.

Well, you got to.

Busch Gardens.

Brilliant.

Busch Gardens.

Yeah, but another thing, I would go to, when I would go to Universal, they have this thing called Halloween Horror Nights.

They're in the Halloween.

season uh and like people you know you drink there but it's number one it's super expensive

to drink and number two it's very uh like super long lines and they only let you get one drink

at a time because they figure what happens is at first people would go like yeah let me get five

beers and you go back and you give like beer to all your underage friends yeah so they uh they

said you know one drink at a time and you gotta stand in like a freaking 20 minute line for one

drink so i would um what happens is you park in a big parking garage at universal and you walk

through the garage and there's like a halfway point where all the garages meet and then from

there you go right into the park so i would get to that halfway point and it had bathrooms and

i'd go in there and i would like down like all this alcohol like i would you know those little

shooter like little um shooter test tubes i would get a whole box i would get like a whole box of

them and i'd stuff my pants and and shit with them so i'd like down like 20 of these like little

pocket shooters of like alcohol and i'd be like staggering drunk out of the bathroom like

you're putting test tubes in your

ass crack that's horrible

I don't know if they got them there but in the clubs over here

and stuff like the waitresses go around

they got these little test tubes

I don't know how you got them

like outside of a bar

I didn't want to bring it up

I worked in a liquor store and they sell

them in boxes

there's a brand they're foil topped

they're topped with foil and you can buy a whole box of them

I'm taking it the box you got

wasn't purchased though

it was

it got missed

he was working

in a packing store

he happened

to know

how he

gets handled

no no no

I bought it

it wasn't expensive

no it's like

five bucks for a box

of that stuff

you could have

bought a fucking

pint like

Everclear though

and like

poured it in a soda bottle

I can't drink

hard liquor

I don't

I can't

like on it's own

I can do gin

I gotta mix it

like I can do gin

okay

you could have made

like a big ass

like mix a drink

and walked in

in a plastic bottle

though yeah

no they don't

they check for all that

you could have

like done a

plastic flask

of like liquor

and then like

bought a soda

when you got it

people do that

made a big old

rum and coke

yeah I've done it

yeah

because yeah

when I worked at

you know

at the liquor store

there in Orlando

and people would

come in like

yeah cause we sold

the plastic flask

there

and they're like

yeah we're going

to Disney

you know

gotta get plastic

yeah that's awesome

We don't want the metal detector to flag us

Yeah I know

I know people they take Gatorade bottles

And they fill them up with stuff too

And shit like that

I've only had a couple

The one here is Six Flags Great America

In Illinois

And I've only had like three or four beers there

I've had a whole lot in the parking lot

And I've ate a lot of pills

And smoked a lot of dope going into there

Yeah

Tailgating all the time

I'm going to Universal.

That was my thing at Tailgate.

And even once, I went to the Hard Rock.

They have a Hard Rock venue.

Yeah, you've got a lot of theme parks down there.

That's kind of awesome.

Well, I'm not there anymore, but they have the Hard Rock venue where they have concerts,

and ACDC was there, and I brought some weed with me,

and then I went to the bathroom in the middle, like a break between the sets,

and I smoked in the bathroom with a dupe tube so it wouldn't smell.

Like I used a toilet paper roll and stuff.

Nunu says in the chat room

We should call that

Blood of Jesus lady

And wish her a Merry Christmas

Okay

Alright

And Nunu sent in a number

For Lakeisha

Alright

Lakeisha Welks

Let's see her Twitter

He sent her her Twitter

I'm just gabbing a lot

You know

Why doesn't Nunu call in

He's always in the chat room

I have no idea

I think I've talked to him

I think he was on

The other day

On the phone

No

He does not

He may

I think he was on

The call

all but i don't think he thought i think he was just there just there look at that what a jerk

i i've been doing this for almost seven years and he's never called i don't know how old he is

he's super weird like i don't even know his real name i don't know how old he i don't know if he's

a boy or a girl i'm guessing that's a man all in new new at least new new listen what are you

like in your 30s or something like are you like a 50 year old guy he's rolling into pranks he's

He's been around since the day one that he's never called in.

He's one of the weird enigmas.

Him and Lonesome.

Lonesome Loser, yeah.

I remember that guy.

I remember when me and Tucker did the show for a minute.

He's like, this guy usually submits calls.

Sometimes he does.

Talking about Lonesome.

Yeah, sometimes he does.

All right, we're playing the last song of the show.

Hey, by the way, I got group video if any of y'all want to turn your shit on.

grew yeah i paid i paid for group video group video like on twitter i mean on uh skype skype

yeah so you can see my video yeah if you turn it it could work let me see some people want to call

me to get skype oh really i can do video okay yeah there's ig 69's kicking on oh yeah that's

It's IG-69?

He's about to.

I don't want to see him.

The whole field's going.

Well, let's see.

I don't know.

It costs like seven bucks.

Oh, does it?

Yeah, my webcam isn't connected to this one.

There's IG-69.

Oh, look, he's black and white.

Yeah, it looks just about what I expected him to look like.

There you go.

Laugh track, man.

You got less hair than I thought you would have.

Like, you're shaved.

You look like that guy that shot the senator chick.

Oh, you've never seen me before?

I saw...

No, I don't think I ever have.

I thought you saw our Defcon picture.

No, I don't think I knew which one was you.

I know you were there.

Are you guys going to Hope or whatever next year in New York City?

Yeah.

Hey, UK Ted.

Wait, you've never seen Matt's YouTube page?

Yeah.

They're awesome.

They really are.

It's Matt on YouTube.

Imagine that.

I can imagine that.

All right, guys.

There you go.

Let's do some prank calls.

Let's call some Thailand Thai food here.

and we've got Nunu's number also, right?

Thanks, Edward.

Oh, are you at work, dude?

Yeah, man.

Oh, that's fucking lovely.

That's so awesome.

There's that damn stapler of his

that he keeps using during the show.

Killing me.

That's fucking awesome.

You've got to get a mute for that stapler.

Yeah, anyway, speaking of work,

I've got to get back to it.

So it's been really good fun, guys.

I'll see you next Thursday.

Bye.

Have a good day.

Cheers, buddy.

Ah, he's drinking.

Oh, Big Lakeisha.

IG-69 is putting a hit on himself.

Something on the crosshairs.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Set it up.

Goodbye.

Oh, what do you do?

Oh, I hate when they do it.

There's, like, there's ones you can't do it anymore.

I'm on the old Skype, so I guess I don't have to be.

You're on the Mac Skype.

That's your problem.

Well, I'm on the old version, too, because the...

It's got a little...

It's funny.

It's funny, Tucker.

It's got an exclamation mark

and a red circle.

It doesn't work with him.

You need to get the latest

so you get a mark on you.

Oh, gee.

Yeah, he's wearing a scarf.

For the first time.

Alright, Nunu, Lakeisha didn't answer.

Sorry, buddy, but we'll call Uncle Tim here

and then, who was it, Blood of Jesus Lady?

Yeah, that's what somebody said.

Yeah, Nunu said that.

UK Ted's gone, that's right.

Cunny Flaps is here. Hey, Cunny Flaps, how you doing?

Yeah, thanks for letting me on.

You guys are still doing a lot on the IRC.

It seems like most people

migrated over to the Tiny Chat.

Yeah, I don't know. It's Tiny Chat,

you know. Tiny Chat takes

it too much, uh, uh, RAM.

Does it? Oh, it kills, it kills

things, dude. Yeah, that's

sort of why, I mean, yeah, why you can do that?

Yeah, then I feel bad, because all the

PLA people are hanging out in Tiny Chat, and

it's, I would go in there also during the show,

but it's just, it's a little too

too much for me to jog, you know, jog

two chats at the same time.

There's two IG-69s.

But the majority, the majority of the

The majority of the

When there's a Rowan and one is

When there's parallel

universes, there's all

Right, yeah. When it's a little bit taller

you have to

One looks a little like

a skeleton robot

that likes to lick the sea while it

gets blown.

Fake mustache.

Yes, hi, is this the Thai food?

Yes.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're already closed.

Okay, what about for just meeting a man there?

Is it possible still?

No, we're already closed, so that means everybody's leaving.

No, but just where we can meet.

Me and you talk a little bit.

Are you working still yourself?

When do you get out?

No, we never get out.

Listen, Thailand, right?

You're from Thailand?

Right.

Okay, that's one of the most socially acceptable places in the Pacific, in Asia.

Okay, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

No, but I kiss you.

Please, come on.

Weak pranks tonight.

I don't know.

Whoa, IG-69 went boom.

At least you're still doing it.

Like, it doesn't even matter.

It's the fact you're doing it.

People seem to like it.

Little cares, bro.

I don't care if they suck, just do them.

Oh, so IG-69 and I tried to do a madhouse the other week when you were out.

Yeah.

I still want to hear that.

Yeah, that was awful.

Was it?

I haven't recorded

I have yet to

I have yet to play it

to hear it

that reminds me this week

I got a call here

someone called the house here

the house number

and I guess they called the wrong number

for some kind of

life insurance they were calling back

and it was the wrong number

so I called back and I thought I was recording

from the beginning and I forgot

in the very beginning I did the whole

you know you know you're a woman you know you're a manager what the fuck you suck and i didn't

record that until she was getting ready to put me on hold and i said let me see if it's recording

and i had forgot to hit start record i was like oh shit so i started it halfway through but she

still gets a little upset um let me play that here for you guys real quick okay if i can find it

correctly here 2 20 p.m yeah this is monday she got she got real upset i was treating her really

bad you know and i feel kind of bad but oh you asshole i missed the beginning of the beginning

was even funnier i think but let's see i think this is it will you hold on for a moment sir

a big lawsuit is going to happen yes i'll hold sir thank you please stop calling me sir

excuse me why are you calling me sir hey hey carly are we off right now are we still no no

they can hear you they can hear you let's go out there all right all right yeah all right we're

We're doing commentary, apparently.

You're a man?

I didn't say I was a man.

I said I'm a woman.

You have a man's name?

I made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

You called me ma'am earlier.

Only, I called you ma'am because you kept calling me sir.

I said, yes, ma'am.

That's kind of silly, isn't it?

Hold on, I'm going to talk back with you.

Isn't that silly?

Maybe you would say, excuse me, sir, I'm a man, not a woman.

Accident.

You made an accident, you would say.

Oh, sir.

Auto insurance costs.

I haven't had ears.

There's offer discounts for combining these coverages.

I go for it a little bit.

Get that a little bit.

Your tentative school.

Here we go, here we go.

Mr. Finley?

Yes.

Okay.

Amy said that you all have sent new bank forms to Jackson National Life Insurance Company

to update your banking information, and the forms that you had are, they need different ones.

They've changed their forms and require a different one,

and the insurance company is happy to take care of that information

over the phone with you.

That is just so that you can...

You people...

Could you or your wife update that information?

You people messed up again.

Big time.

Big time messed up again with the papers

and the phone calls to the people.

You messed up again big time.

I'm very, very upset.

You should be very, very ashamed of what you've done.

Shame on you.

I'm trying to help you.

You shamed her.

And you can call Jackson National directly, and the woman will help you over the phone.

That's the problem, too, is the woman this and the woman that.

The lady that said Jackson National, I do not know her name.

I know her phone number and her extension.

The thing, you call and all you get is women answering the phone over there.

That is the problem.

Well, women work as well as men do, sir.

Not as well.

They work also, but not as well, if you follow.

No, I don't follow.

Because women don't have a smart business acumen like men do throughout history.

And within the last few decades, then they get a little bit of power and this and that.

And, you know, the liberals start making, letting women work.

And then we have a situation where you're the supervisor here and the mistakes are happening.

We've never heard of feminism.

Well, I doubt anybody's without mistakes.

And Jackson National updated forms and obviously we weren't given the new forms.

We're happy to take care of that for you

If you'd like for me to give you the number

I know that Amy gave it to you on the phone message

Well, Amy made a big mistake

Amy called the wrong person on the phone

The wrong person?

I'm not the person she's looking for

You're not the person she's looking for

She dialed the wrong number

So I'm calling back to complain

Hang on

And Amy needs more training on the telephone

She's finally getting it now

She's like, wait a minute

I'm trying to find

Amy left a message on my phone

And I'm not this person she's looking for

Okay, so you're not the person she's looking for

Then I called Jackson Hewitt

Whoever it is

And they threatened me on the phone

They threatened you? How so?

They said they were going to steal my information

And give it to the whole world to see

The guy told me

You know, I'm happy to try to assist you

If Amy left a message

On a number that wasn't the person

She was trying to reach

then you can actually delete the message

and forget about it

obviously she looked up the wrong person

she usually looks it up by the policy number

and so

I can get to the bottom of that

she's still thinking I work

I'm one of their clients but they call

the wrong one but I'm not she's still not getting

it 100% but at this point she still

thinks I am one of their customers but they called

the wrong one like they looked up the wrong record

not knowing that the lady this Amy had called

the wrong person all together

it's still getting there

about three minutes it's funny she says sir the way that police say gentlemen yeah

well before this you missed because i was calling her sir the whole time and she's like please stop

calling me sir excuse me she calls me ma'am it's like ma'am i'm like i'm not a man you know she

was she was like tit for tat nigger yeah yeah yeah she's all over she was all i got a real

riled up at the beginning but like i'm saying she says sir with that same thing when the

Like, when the police are like, this gentleman that is accused of something.

Sir.

I'm drunk with just some tea going south with you.

Like, when they pull you over and the first thing they ask is, how you doing today?

You know, you're like, yeah, fuck you.

Like, how you doing today?

Like, fuck you, how am I doing today?

You know why I pulled you over?

Yeah, I know why you fucking pulled me over, you dickhead.

Because I'm whacking off behind a school bus.

Again.

Well, my house is on fire.

Artie.

Mr. M, would you like to have her on the phone with you and I?

Well, maybe she dialed the wrong number in an accident.

I'm getting another beer.

Yes, perhaps so.

Could you ask him, Finley?

No.

Because when I came back on the phone, I said, Mr. Finley, you said yes.

Well, I was just leading you into a trap with the spider web.

Okay.

You know, I can pretty much tell this conversation is not going anywhere.

And so what I'm going to do is...

Well, let me ask you this.

You sell life insurance there?

Yes, sir.

Well, what do you have to offer?

Maybe I'll get one.

I don't think we'd be able to help you.

Yes, you have to.

You know, there's laws that say if I'm asking for information and I'm looking for a sale, you can't deny that.

You guys could look at yourself and see yourself in quite the litigious situation if you deny services to me.

Why would you even go there?

I know these laws.

You know, if you're so angry at us, why do you want to do business with us?

Because maybe God had a plan for her to mistype that number and call me.

What are you typing?

Are you typing secrets?

I'm just pulling up your file in our system.

I don't have a file.

Oh, it's fucking hell, dude.

It looks to me like...

No.

And your wife's name is Rachel?

No.

Okay, well, then, obviously, we've called the wrong person.

You have my sincere apology.

That's about to get really weird now.

But we're not...

Weirder than typing secrets in God's plan.

Yeah, you're about to hear.

The whole sacred, everybody's personal information.

We hold these truths to be sacred.

Can you just explain a little more to me?

Well, I need maybe just another minute.

Jackie?

Did Amy not email forms to you or to your wife?

She sends them by email.

She normally emails her stuff.

Oh, you're whacking.

Jackie?

Pardon me?

Does she normally email her stuff?

Are you in Pennsylvania?

I'm going to call this phone.

Wait a minute.

I have an important question.

Just a few more seconds.

Would your company, you should sell life insurance?

No, she's gone there.

There you go.

I hear my cat in the middle of this walk-in.

You hear my cat there in the background.

What the fuck is that?

That was kind of awesome.

Danny, what did you do with the paper yet?

Yeah, no, I didn't really do it.

I know.

No, of course not.

I got banned from Tiny Chat

for pulling my dick out too much.

What?

Oh, there you are.

Not Tiny Chat, Chat Roulette.

I kept getting the 15-minute ban.

I thought that said that was for.

Isn't that what Chat Roulette was for?

Yeah, I was going to say.

Isn't that what it's for, right?

That's what I would say.

Apparently, I was more offensive than usual people

because I would get the 15-minute ban.

That was some pretty offensive people on there.

I don't know.

i guess not anymore but not like it used to be well when it first came out it was bad

well yeah i was i was sitting there like drunk at six in the morning

sunlight's on my carol let's show it up god it's still over there i don't even know i don't think

so i think everyone got tired of it because it was like you know there's another version of it

there's another version of it that's like you know it you know yes you can jerk off on it you

You know what I mean?

Or is it?

Yeah, they made a different version.

Someone else made, like, I think Dark Stranger has it.

Dark Strange Face, whatever.

It's Omega, Omegle or something.

Yeah, but, you know.

I see a lot of the videos of the little broads on Motherless.com.

Oh, okay.

Well, remember Twit?

Twit, when it first came out.

Did you see that on Twit when Leo Laporte was like,

oh, let's check out Chat with Wet live, and, you know,

oh, this is what we have.

and then people

kept saying no

they people jerk

off on it

careful

and he was like

show the wife

he reports this

shit

yeah

he was like

talking you know

like this new

chat roulette thing

and everyone was

like you're gonna

get dicked

you know

and then sure

enough like all

of a sudden

they go to

another one

and some guy

just starts

jerking off

and like

oh

I think like

what's his face

Calacanis

was on that

episode or

whatever

Jason Calacanis

I miss

This is fucking TV.

Yeah, man, dude, that's...

I stumbled on tech TV.

I was unemployed, like, now,

but it was, like, for a whole year.

And I did nothing.

I would wake up in the morning,

and I would, like, I would wake and bake,

and I would watch Mallrats, like, every day.

And then...

You know, twit...

Twit...

Twit.tv.

Where's my fucking cell phone?

But then in the afternoon,

then I'd watch Screensavers.

Like, when I first saw it, I was like,

this is awesome, and it's live.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Did you ever see The Phone Losers on screensavers?

Yeah, I heard about that, but I didn't see it.

It's awesome.

For the changing signs or whatever, the street road signs.

No, it's about getting a number redirected for tech support

and saying what kind of gerbil do you have inside your computer.

Oh, okay.

And then Martin Sargent was like,

I don't want to say too much because I don't want them to fuck me.

Oh, wow.

It was fucking neat.

Why did the sergeant kind of disappear?

I haven't heard about him in a while, you know?

Dude, I loved this show he was doing for a while.

Remember his live show?

And then he had the podcast.

That was pretty good, yeah.

He would go like the internet weirdos, like the guy that wore the rubber shit.

Yeah, we pranked him on this show, that guy, the rubber guy, once or twice.

I called him.

I said his rubber guy was cheating on him.

He was like, really?

Yeah.

That guy was cool.

We called up fucking, we called up the fucking, what's his name, Kevin Mitnick the other day.

I heard, who was it?

Samantha.

Samantha was like flirting with him and shit, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It was weird.

I wrote him on Facebook, and I was like, nice talking to you, buddy.

Friend requested him, and he sent me like, yeah, it was cool, and sent me a little smiley face.

That's cool.

Mitnick.

Yeah.

He was freaking cool.

well who is it who is it did i i'd say something crazy to either mitnick or waz recently on on the

phone show i forgot what it was i said oh i just i wasn't on the waz call i think i was i think i

said something really nasty to waz i'm pretty sure it was waz or mitnick one of those two i was on

and i said something and i got upset because i was in there yeah i remember it was one of those

episodes and then i think about it's pretty fucked up i really respect waz yeah yeah i know

I think I said something really nasty to him.

I don't even remember. I was pretty drunk.

I still feel bad when people

fuck with the old Captain Crunch.

I'm still like, he's awesome to me.

I can't ever say anything bad.

Oh, never mind. That's who it was. It was Captain Crunch I messed with.

I can't say anything bad to him.

I'm still

whatever. You're awesome.

That interview was kind of weird

because he was kind of strange.

Well, Tuck knows, right?

Wasn't I messing with those old guys, the old ham radio guys

on the twit network?

Yeah, that's different, though.

That's those hands.

Twit.TV, Matt, do you watch that at all?

That's especially Tech TV.

No.

Especially Tech TV.

Oh, Twit.

Check it out.

Oh, it's awesome.

Oh, dude, yeah.

Yeah, Twit.TV, man.

It is FW is our show.

Yeah, Leo and all the old Tech TV guys.

Everyone's there, man.

Kevin Rose.

Well, Kevin Rose, he shows up a lot.

Sarah Lane.

It is FW is Tommy's show.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Because Kevin Rose is killing the, what is it, Dignation, right?

I think this is the last week of it.

I think this week is the last episode.

They're doing a live New York thing, I think, and that's it.

Like, I loved it.

That was always, like, a very fun show.

I got burnt out for some reason.

I used to watch it religiously, and then, like, for the last year or so,

I never really, every once in a while, I'd watch it.

I don't know.

One of my favorite things to do was to, like, put it on my, you know,

get the newest Dignation on my iPod and go to a Chinese buffet

buffet and watch it while i stuff myself full of food yeah i don't know why i used to always do

that dad i always uh always used to do that i don't know why what it was i have a lot of memories

of big nation and chinese buffets yeah it's cool dude you get it in it was fun and i can't like

watch it if i'm not drinking and a lot of chinese buffets don't have booze some do that well yeah

the one i used to go to they had singtile beer you get it i get like five singtile beers that's

Singtown's not bad

Alright you can't wake up Colin

Is Singtown

Is that with the little golden dragon on it

Yeah hello

Richard

No it's Diane

Hey Diane how you doing

I'm alright thanks how are you

I'm good is Richard doing okay

He's fine thank you

He's just in the shower at the moment

Oh they just finished porking you

No

When was the last time he was porking you

Oh man

No, that's the end of that chapter

Rose's skirt

I didn't wake her up, they were awake already

Yeah, I know

He's up showering, motherfucker

He's doing his thing

What?

I got some numbers in Skype, I am

He's got some numbers in Skype, I am

Skype, I am

Skype instant message

Skype, I am

Oh my god

That show a couple weeks ago with him

this is what it was

it was me trying to

interpret what he said

every time

it was just

nightmarish

Richard

yeah

hey how you doing buddy

hey

how you doing

this is Cross

were you sleeping

yeah

oh good

I'm over here

I'm at 112

I thought you got my number

no I'm your neighbor

I'm about two doors down

oh yeah sorry

no it's okay

listen

hey can I

I need to park a

a caravan in your yard there

I was wondering

yeah

how much would you charge me

if I parked my caravan

in your front yard

for a few days just for the weekend yeah well no it's it's i mean it's uh there's a family of irish

travelers they're going to be staying with me i'm going to be sleeping with the wife we're having a

sexual thing but they need to park the caravan on your property and i'll give you money you know

well listen can we use your toilet do you have a toilet so fucking polite

it's hard to be mean to him

no thank you

they're like no thank you

you call some fucking hillbilly

in America and they'll want to fight you

no I'm kidding

Richard, he hung up quick

he's on our little game

I think he's some killer robots

building killer robots are always fun

so did you and IG

do any pranks at all that night

or whatever when I was facing down

I'm sure they listened to a lot of

Ringing numbers

Yes that's really what it was

It was me going what

IG-69

And ringing numbers

And missed calls

And

Sorry

That's what it was

And Jen was just recording

For thisisrecording.com

That's awesome

I like Jen, Jen's cool

She's my favorite of all the songs around here

she's a cool fucking broad yeah hi dahana hi listen do you have horses there we do do you

rent them out uh no we do not we only do horseback rides guided horseback rides oh can i just be alone

with the horse for a while no i'm sorry um you're gonna have to have a wrangler with you just

because the horses that we have they are not trail horses they're horses that we actively

we compete on so yeah but i was thinking maybe i could just spend some time with a horse and talk

to it i was going to bring some apples can you hang on for one moment for me i'm going to pass

you to someone oh okay passing me around i'm gonna piss can i help you yeah hi i was wanting to spend

some time with a horse for a while okay you mean you want to go out on a ride well just to talk to

the horse and touch it and give it apples and tell it's a nice horse oh okay well um we don't

offer any kind of programs like that you may want to try to call um like not a lot of stables or do

they let you do they let you touch the horse uh you know i don't know what their programs are

oh well what you guys don't have anything where i can see the horse with a boy horse with a girl

horse okay that's weird no just to see them it's beautiful they love each other you know yeah do

you have boy horse do you have boy horse and girl horse that love each other where are you

Hmm?

Where are you?

I'm in Honolulu.

Wow, okay.

They have a lot of horses on Wahoo that you can probably see.

No, but, no, you guys have not beautiful horses, right?

That's kind of weird.

Stop creeping them out, Carly.

Jesus, really.

Oh, God.

You're my wife now.

Tell me what to do.

You're going to have to black his eye, too, buddy.

He's going to act like a wife.

He needs a black eye.

Shut up, woman.

Yeah, dude, I don't know if you caught my comment, but Veronica Belmont, right before NSFW,

did you watch that talk?

Did you see her?

She was whispering olive juice on camera.

Really?

Oh, my gosh.

She looked so hot.

I don't know what it was.

I don't know what.

And, like, Brian Borchardt said, just whisper olive juice.

And she's, like, going, olive juice, like that.

And she's, like, so fucking hot.

You guys ever listen to me?

I told you.

Who is this broad you're talking about?

Veronica Belmont is, like, one of those tech TV.

Well, she's...

She's Tekzilla in Revolution 3.

Yeah, just a video game.

I know Tekzilla.

Okay, I can do that.

Oh, my God.

She's with the last name Belmont,

and I keep thinking she's out of Pennsylvania.

Yeah, she's Simon Belmont's sister or whatever.

I don't know.

But, oh, man, she was just...

I guess that's something.

If you have a girl whisper olive juice,

it's supposed to make them look really sexy.

I didn't even know that, but they had her do it.

And I messaged Tuck.

I said I would eat her pussy for five hours

straight and she just, if she just kept doing that, you're probably wondering why I sent

you that, I was like, what, yeah, I was like, I will just eat her out for five hours straight,

yeah, did you just put it on a loop and just whack to it, it's on YouTube, you can go

there, no, it's, it was right before they started recording the show, so then I was

like, fuck, I want to see what's going on, hello, yes, hi, this is Jason, what, olive

of juice. Will you say that?

Who are you?

Well, I'm another Jason. I'm calling

other Jasons around town. There's a rumor

going around about me and a horse.

About the horse? Yeah, there was a horse in town.

A horse came riding in the town.

The town? The Manchester.

Manchester? Yes.

And supposedly people are saying I got on top

of the horse naked. And I ran through

town.

Do you have a Jason number?

Well, there's a Jason who's supposedly running

around town on top of a horse naked.

He's not a horse, uh, Jason number. He's a wrong number.

I'm Jason.

No, I'm not Jason, okay?

You want to take a picture with me?

What?

What are you talking about?

I'm not Jason, okay?

Who are you?

What?

He's an immigrant.

You stupid monkey.

Hang up the phone, I command you.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You're what's ruining Britain, immigrant.

There he goes.

Good point, good point.

Guys, I don't know if you've seen it.

I shared this with RBCP, but that Danger 5, have you seen that?

Danger5.tv?

Yeah.

Oh, that's awesome.

I haven't seen this week's episode.

I've seen the trailer.

I haven't watched the whole thing.

Yeah, go find the first one.

Yeah, I think there were up to three episodes.

I haven't seen the third one, but I saw the second one.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay.

The second one's funny because it's the one where they're in a plane

and some silly shit happens.

It's just really funny.

Yeah.

You've got to watch it.

I think I'm going to watch that after this show.

It's the same guys who did Italian Spider-Man.

Did you ever see that?

I didn't see that, but I've heard of it now that this one's out.

Whatever it is that we're talking about.

It was pretty fucking funny.

It was like a trailer

and then they started

making an episode

to see the trailer.

IG-69 needs help.

Well, I'm sorry.

Help.

Okay.

Bye.

Stop living in the crosshairs,

then, man.

Stop living in your...

Should we put our eyes

right in the middle of it?

What kind of help

does he need?

He needs help

to not get shot,

apparently.

He's in the crosshairs.

He lives in Brooklyn.

What do you think?

All you need to do

is just stay to the left.

You can just stay out of it

and you'll be all right.

I'll just ventilate your room.

All right, listen, guys.

I think this is the last prank of the night.

I believe so.

Put the towel under the door.

Video feed is buffering.

It says that life is hard enough.

The video feed is buffering?

Ah, shit.

Fuck the video feed.

What do you guys care anyway

about the video feed?

Look at me.

Bunch of perverts.

Motherless.com

hot pink sticker on my

netbook. Oh, Jesus. You do not.

Do you really? Oh, wow.

I'm going to get one of those for my job interviews.

I can't. I might

show you with a mirror.

Does it have a picture of the

girl in a sweater or whatever?

No, it's the little

monster if I can do it.

I got all mirrors. Oh, they work.

Nope. Yep.

Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Nope, yep.

Alright, that's it. Whatever.

motherless.com

one of the

I haven't been there

in a while

but one of those

sites I just

when you're done

watching it

you're just like

god what's wrong

with me

I feel like

yes exactly

it's a bad one

yeah

what is it

and my buddy

my buddy bought

stickers from it

and he's like

I know he wants them

why would you want

anything by

I know

why would you have

that like

that paper trail

like that man

why would I

second card now

yeah

why would you

I felt like that

I felt like that when I bought a

Pirate Bay hoodie from the

Pirate Bay. That's okay.

That's not that bad.

That's more trendy hipster.

Like, man.

How do you...

I can't even find it.

But I was still, I'm like, I'm giving the

Pirate Bay my credit card number.

I was one of the idiots when I had money.

Like, when they were trying to buy that

sea land, I like,

gave them money to try to buy that

shit. Oh, they were trying to

put the servers out in the ocean or whatever

or something? Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, alright, well, we're done.

I'm done here, and, uh, yeah.

I just want to, I guess, thank everybody. Milkman's not

around. I never called him back.

I feel bad now. It was lovely.

Thanks for letting me on again, buddy. Thanks for being

on. Anytime. Goodbye, sir.

Yo, I just want to know what's that you were talking about

before. It's terrible. What?

What's that you were talking about?

It's just mumbles.

Oh, it's just me. I know.

What's that you bought the sticker from?

motherless.com

you don't need to go there

go to the band and do your homework

don't go to motherless.com

I've been talking

you gotta check it a couple

times a day cause they delete

the real shitty things quickly

there's some crazy shit on there dude

anyway alright guys so

thanks to

yeah see ya man

LeftTrackMan, IG69, BigTuck

UKTag was on

HiBuddies.com

Hey Tuck, you get any more revenue from that

call I've been doing? Revenue?

Yeah

Are you like

are you like

giving me money from your calls?

No, did it

Yeah, did anybody else give you a site?

I haven't checked

any of the numbers

Check your numbers guys

rock on fellas

I don't know

what you guys

are talking about

alright

hanging up on you guys

yeah

I'm going RBCP style

on you

alright

ka-ching

that's who we do

kisses

shrinks my dick

every time

thanks everyone

who sent in numbers

including T-Rock

Emeroid

UK Ted

Bob the Flamboyant

Racist

Barber

Zyklon

and that's it

all the people

who were on

Gregulate also

thank you

who was on tonight

Lonesome Loser

who sent in one last number for roger cross i guess i'll call roger cross lonesome loser oh

yeah evil already was on too that was good thank you slow show but you know what not a bad one i

guess that's some fun could be worse last call the night yeah sorry roger cross hello yes roger

cross who's calling my name is valente cross from the united states how are you you're from where

i'm from the united states and my name is valente cross so what do you do well because there's a

a nasty rumor about me here in this town

and I'm looking for family members to talk

about me in positive light.

I'm very sorry. I have no idea

who you are. Well, you're a cross. You're a member

of my family, okay? We go back.

Me and you for the same ancestors.

Now listen, I'm in the local

newspaper here. I'm running for

United States President and I was touching a horse

in his private parts and they caught me.

So now they're talking... You're allowed to give me your number

and I'll call you back. Were you sleeping?

Yes. Well, how come the TV's on?

What's going on? I've been

I don't know where you're coming from.

Well, listen, I'm running for the President of the United States.

I'm a politician.

And there's a scandal now.

Valente Cross.

That's my name.

And there's a scandal because I got caught masturbating a horse.

So I need my family to come on TV and talk positive about me.

And since you're related to me, then I was hoping maybe you could help me out.

I'm obviously not related to you.

We have the same last name, you stupid twit.

Come on.

Yeah, cunt.

We're all of us are not related.

Obviously we are.

It's not what your last name means.

It means you're related.

last one, last one, last one, last one, last one

and he just

left it off busy, okay, we're done

everyone visit madhouseslive.com

subscribe to the podcast, check out the

archives, send in your prank requests

participate in the madhouse poll, that'll be

changing this weekend, I think we got a

winner there, I don't want to check it now, but

I believe we have a winner, a strong

enough vote for the title of the next

prank call to Ethan, I'm tired, my

eye hurts, so I'm gonna go, God bless you

all, have a great weekend, and we'll catch you here next

week, bye

Check y'all niggas show some love

Us niggas don't know how long we gonna be here

Feel me?

Enjoy this shit and enjoy yourselves

And then we outta here

Calls (33, 1 h 14 min of 3 h 21 min)

Transcript

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