Madhouse Christmas Show 2011

And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap-lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is.

Hallelujah!

Holy shit!

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Here we are. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Happy holidays from Madhouse Radio.

I'm Carlito. I'm the guy.

The guy on the phone. The guy on the radio.

On the computer radio.

Thanks everyone for tuning in. We're here.

Myself, along with the Madhouse crew, will be entertaining you this evening.

This fine Thursday evening.

Leading into Friday, December the 22nd.

This is our last show before Christmas.

Thank everyone who's tuning in.

And with me as always is Milkman

Milkman

Welcome back brother

It's so good to be here

The shining light of Jesus

Thank you

God bless us all everybody

And of course

Speaking of Thursday into Friday

Where it's already Friday the 23rd

In the UK

Jim Stewart

Milkman

I shake up like Simon everywhere I went

voices and dialects he's got one exit but a damn good one rather better him than me doing it well

everybody we're here we're gonna do a show as i said it's a big show for christmas we got a few

things to talk about i just finally remembered to turn the video feed on my bad it was on but

it wasn't i forgot to turn the camera on but it's on now and we're doing our thing uh join us here

here tonight with your requests they're much appreciated lonesome loser will join us shortly

but in the meantime we need your help new new sending in some already but uh in the meantime

madhouse live.com is the spot to go to subscribe to the prank cast and more importantly for the

time being what i'm most concerned with is your help and prank call submission use the request

to prank form right there it's easy to use it's free to use i still haven't gotten a fix in it

be sure to include a name there when you send a prank request because i i forgot to add that

field and i didn't notice it's like a year and a half later recently uh but we do need a name

of the yeah the name helps yeah because who are we going to be playing jokes that's right thank

you good point milkman you're so smart man dude i couldn't do without and i couldn't i couldn't do

without wikipedia man and uh while you're at it send your requests on aol or yahoo inset messenger

madhouse radio on aol and yahoo inset messenger if you're using msn messenger like jen stewart

it over there in england madhouse at live.com am i using it i don't know i just figured because

you're because you're in england that's all i get the only people that use it are in england

because you people don't know how to i don't know yeah we don't know how to do much else

you're all stuck on ie over there yeah being that you're the guys over there that well europe i

guess european union are the guys that stuck it to matt to madhouse to to microsoft when it came

him to and i trust but hey you guys are stuck on that at live stuff cool good for you uh twitter

of course madhouse on twitter facebook we're on there i finally got around to using i don't know

if you've tried that gin on your page but i um the the new um timeline you know way of making it

look all no i've seen lots of my friends using it though it seems a little bit bizarre and

complicated i don't know i don't like it i took the dip i said let me do it i hit the switch i

went and it looks pretty pretty good yeah i guess it looks nice and it looks fancy and everything

but it just does not make sense to me you know it just doesn't flow as nicely as the old one i don't

know i did that i just thought it was a bit confusing personally maybe i'm stupid well for

madhouse facebook it works because it's you know show it's not a person it makes sense if you have

a timeline but why would you want a timeline for us you know somebody personal like i i don't

understand like somebody updates their status you know yeah oh what a shit day or something

Unless you're like Bill Cosby or something, then I can see.

Because you're famous and funny.

Right, yeah, then it's important.

But now everybody has this sort of vanity that they have to follow.

Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Exactly.

Milkman, is Milkman, you know, hey, Milkman, I was going to say, you know, we've got to start working.

I put you in charge of the Madhouse Facebook page for a while, and you created Jack Bastion and Jack Valente.

We've got to do something with those cats, you know?

Let's do it again, man.

And I said, you know what, like, I know when you got the passwords again,

and now I forget what the hell my passwords were.

I know I gave them to you.

Yeah.

Well, when, yeah.

My old computer hard drive died, that's why.

Oh, well, you know, you dumbass.

I know we got the passwords, but I did not remember what they were.

They were something simple I want to remember.

Horse, one, two, three.

All right.

Okay, but, yeah, share the password with me later,

and I will update and start having some fun with you guys again.

And all you guys that love Jack Patterson and Valente and some of our other characters, we'll definitely get back into it.

That's right.

We need to get on that, buddy.

Yeah, so there you go.

On the line now, Milkman and Jen Stewart.

We're going to have a great fucking time.

It's going to be the best Christmas show since Jack Benny tap dance with something or something.

I forget how it goes.

It's got a thing.

I don't know.

I played the beginning of that rant, which is like my favorite.

I was talking to Athena over there.

They're playing the movie now.

That's why I played that.

It's on TV right now.

We were watching it before the show started, Christmas Vacation.

That's definitely my favorite Christmas movie.

But I'm in a weird mood.

Ever since Thanksgiving, Home Alone 2 was on.

Not Thanksgiving, the week that I was facing down, the week after Thanksgiving,

I was stuck facing down because of my retina detachment.

Yeah, how is that going?

It's going good.

It's weird.

It's actually painful today.

I don't know. I'm a little worried.

If it doesn't subside by tomorrow, I'm going to call the doctor.

Of course, they have to start doing it right before the big weekend

when it will be hard to get a hold of doctors.

I really don't hope I end up going to the hospital over the weekend.

Oh, God, it's the worst to go to the hospital on the holiday.

I've been there before.

I had strep throat once, and I was like,

I can make it through the holiday weekend, and I almost stopped breathing.

This was years ago.

You spend a fortune on medical bills, man, because you guys pay, right?

Yeah, we pay.

We pay.

Hell, yeah.

Hell, yeah, we pay.

But, yeah, remember what?

The fucking green ass is over here.

Years ago, I was like, it was Thanksgiving weekend, as a matter of fact,

and I had strep throat, and I was like, oh, God,

I just don't want to go to the hospital on Thanksgiving weekend.

It's just a lot of people.

It's madness.

It's a nightmare.

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to go.

And I got to the point where I couldn't swallow anymore.

I was like, all right, fuck it.

I'm going.

And it actually wasn't that bad, but, yeah,

I just don't look forward to having to go.

Yeah, so hopefully nothing's going on, but I can still see.

The little vision that I got, every day gets better,

and it's better today than it was yesterday.

I see a little bit more light.

Like, I got my good eye closed, and right now I can see the outline of the monitor.

I can, you know, see where some stuff is.

I can see my hand all wavy, wavy here.

It's getting there.

It's going to be weeks, but, yeah.

Fucking wack, man.

I can't believe you can do this show, man.

You are amazing, dude.

Well, I can't believe you didn't help me out with money.

I know, man.

My blindness is my dumbness.

Okay, nice, Milkman.

You have blindness of the soul, I guess.

I don't know.

You need to read the Bible.

I'm blinded to pray.

MSG3 Clay says, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas.

So we should all die of cancer?

That's nice.

Very nice.

Speaking of dying, Kim Jong-il dead.

Kim Jong-il.

Dirty dancing Christmas.

Kim Jong-il died.

after eating kimchi fried rice

and took a big shit and died on the toilet like Elvis.

Kimchi Sue got him, man, because he didn't shit it out quick enough.

He didn't shit it out quick enough.

Oh, man.

You know, what can you do?

I mean, it's been a bad year for dictators and evil.

Yeah, but you know, this is not good, though,

because his son is now taking the spot, right?

Yeah, but the thing is, his son wasn't really...

How old did that guy live to be, man?

69.

He was 69.

I'm not kidding you.

He was 69 years old.

Yeah, because I was looking...

Yeah, because yesterday I was on YouTube videos.

I was watching YouTube videos of the North Koreans crying.

And someone said, one of the comments was,

that's a good year to fucking die.

That's a funny year to die.

Funny age to die at, 69 years old.

I got a good proposition, man.

How about we do like a joke.

We'll call up some people like China, the Korean restaurant.

How long does it take to shit out kimchi?

69 years.

Kimchi ilp.

I thought it'd be good to call that embassy,

the north korean embassy we got a hold of in japan and um give our condolences or just laugh

it'd be funny just to laugh because yeah but you know you know this is a problem you know the son

is is more crazy than uh kim jong-il right so is he right i don't think so yeah no he's not crazy

he's just he's just not ready i saw a picture of me he looks like he's like 15 years old he's all

baby faced it looks like yeah right and now he's got the the supreme command if you like and he

He can fuck around with the nukes and everything else.

This is not a good sign.

Well, supposedly he's a big fan of Michael Jordan and he was educated in Sweden or something or Switzerland.

Yeah, but then King Jong-il had, what, 15 degrees and all sorts of shit.

He was a professional golfer and all this nonsense.

Sure he was, yeah.

He was an expert marksman and a genius architect.

That's the thing.

And, you know, he was scared of flying, so he had to go around in a bulletproof train.

You know about that?

Yeah, I heard about that.

So his son, I don't think that's the same problem.

So we are facing a serious issue because now he's international.

He can just fly around and visit people and be like, oh, look at that.

Well, King Jong-il was a huge fan of the NBA, apparently.

He was a big NBA fan, from what I understand.

And his son picked up that.

His son is also a gamer, apparently, what they say.

He plays StarCraft a lot, apparently, and apparently he's actually pretty good.

I would rape him.

That's StarCraft 1.

and the koreans are some serious starcraft players but apparently his son is a top top

starcrafter and that's sad because he's probably the only person in north korea that can play

starcraft i can play but you fuck off as long as i pray starcraft well it is the i think the

biggest fear now is the fact that uh the military is taking a little bit of it's not just one supreme

supreme leader now the the brother-in-law of kim jong-il is involved and i think his sister

that person's husband wife is uh taking some power also so it's starting to get a little

fractured and those people aren't used to that for the last 50 60 years since the end of the

north of the north korea the korean war they haven't been used to that and the question is

will there be a coup will the military try to get involved etc etc i don't know i i've been a bit

i'm a big fan of cold war history i've always said that on this show um i and you know what i

took this opportunity i've talked about on the show in the past uh but i've watched um the vice

guide to north korea it's an excellent documentary it's on youtube for free if you type in vice guide

north korea you can see 1 through 12 parts i think it is that that guy is a badass he's been

a whole bunch of crazy countries but the north korean one is great i took that opportunity to

watch it but today even i was watching um video people at the dmz you know good tourists that go

to the dmz where technically you know there's still a war going on and the weird shit that

happens north koreans are just you feel bad for them in some ways but i mean you know they're

they're standing up for whatever they believe is right um yeah so kim jong-il dead uh he joins uh

The big year, 2011, when so many evil people died.

Kim Jong-il, Osama Bin Laden, Muammar Gaddafi, and...

Yeah, I completely forgot about that.

And Steve Jobs.

So many fucking people died this year.

That's pretty good.

Steve Jobs.

Castro took a big hit as far as his health was concerned this year.

Almost died.

And Hugo Chavez almost died also.

Had cancer surgery.

Almost died.

He died, and he's expected to die.

We still have about a week left, so maybe somebody else will die.

They say Chavez is on his last legs.

He's completely bald, and they've told him, actually, he's going to die.

He's got the Steve Jobs thing.

But here's the thing.

Here's what I've noticed.

A lot of people, I think the pancreatic cancer thing is going all over the place.

And I read, not rumors, but I read a whole conspiracy theory about pancreatic cancer

The CIA or the U.S. government has the ability to inflict pancreatic cancer on people through espionage, through nefarious ways, and they're using that to take out some forms of cancer.

Apparently, they're able to inflict that on people pretty directly somehow, some way, and they're starting to use it on others, dictators and stuff like that.

if you think about it think about hugo chavez uh castro has the cancer he's been suffering from

that the intestinal cancer right who else got the cancer quite a few people got the cancers man

i think about it yeah they're not they're not drinking enough green tea my uncle got cancer

that's another one right there they're after him too they're not drinking enough green tea

that's what it is kim jong-il apparently was a big fan of a porno with uh blonde headed girls

big titty blonde girls

because I read

a book about

the North Korean war

and the aftermath

and specifically on that

what's it called, this book was awesome

I read it about 5 years ago

Cult of Personality I think it's called

something like that

and it's about Kim Jong Il

and his father and how they've groomed

this populace and they're worshipping them

with their demigods and stuff

uh but uh madeline albright who went to korea to negotiate in the late 90s under the clinton

administration she went to negotiate that first big nuclear peace talk um she said that she was

like freaked out because she had heard from cia and stuff that he was really into um porno and

stuff and she was like here i am standing next to this guy who's probably gonna go back and jerk

off you know kind of you know she's like oh god kind of freaky but apparently he stopped he stopped

the negotiations all of a sudden he's like we're stopping we're stopping michael jordan's coming

like michael jordan's playing we gotta stop them we're gonna watch michael jordan and shit

and they're like amazed like he like they were getting like nba like illegally there because

they're not i guess however they were doing it was like they were using like an illegal

direct tv dish and stuff like the kind where you get the little card that gets you all the

the free pay-per-view and stuff they were watching it that way anyway so there we go that's that uh

what else there was other stuff i thought we had to talk about christmas of course coming up this

weekend merry christmas everybody oh yeah yeah hey guys i want you to um participate and maybe

we can even gauge milkman yes participate i would like milkman and jen to weigh in on this new poll

the madhouse monthly poll or it's actually kind of like the the six week poll usually because i

I usually forget until two weeks after it was supposed to be over.

But the new Madhouse Monthly Poll.

We finished out the last poll over at madhouselive.com slash poll,

or it's also on the front page if you want to participate.

We got a title for the new Prank Call CD,

which I started making selections for today, the pranks.

Listeners out there, any pranks that weren't on that first CD

that you think should be included,

this is like four years' worth of pranks since we did the CD last.

but let me know send an email

madhouseradio gmail.com

participate

but we got a title from that poll

I put it up to the listeners horse

is the name of it

that's appropriate

I forgot what the others were but hey

what I'm mostly excited about here

is our new poll

it is for our listeners to vote

all of you vote on

the best prank

victim of 2011

and I wanted to run by this

in case you all, before the poll

gets too deep, I just put it up

this afternoon, a few hours ago

but first of all, make sure you place your vote

and then now to the chat room

and to the listeners, everyone

if I forgot someone you think should be included

let me know, but I think I got a pretty good

list here

real quick, I'll name an order

Jen, I think this will be your favorite

the Turkish horse guy is listed on there

for best madhouse

he's one of the only ones I know

because i didn't really listen to the rest of them yeah you just jumped in so yeah exactly sorry

yeah no problem we got the nerd store that banned the furries we talked to them twice we had fun

with them this year um the audi guy the guy who uh got upset because i kicked the shit out of his

audi um also honolulu charlie big favorite right there i think that's my personal contender i think

he's gonna win out um we got the kimchi fried rice aka how long does it take to take a shit

in the toilet, women, at the

Korean restaurant in

Honolulu.

Another big favorite of mine,

the angry

Asiatic black men,

the militants, I don't know if you remember that milk van,

the guys who got into a 20-minute

argument with me about race and

Jesus being black.

Oh my goodness.

Sounds like just the kind of people we want to talk to.

The Steam Shark and the other

infomercial operators that we pranked.

These mostly phone losers also

also worked on these uh but we did a lot of pranks to the infomercials uh blood of jesus lady we

called her towards the end of the summer we had a few calls to her pretty funny and the last one

from the beginning of the year uh romeo from the macaroni grill um he just got really upset at me

because i told him his sauce sucked and he was like oh i reported you this and that uh i think

he's the underdog but any out of all those uh place your vote let us know i'll leave it up

We'll be up there for about four, five, six weeks, and we'll just announce it.

Nothing big, no big deal about it, but just to see what you guys thought was the best.

I think Charlie's going to be the winner.

We had a big year with Charlie all throughout the year.

Yeah, and I did want to mention I did a little bit of religious research this week,

and I did find out, if you remember, one of the things that we laughed at,

that crazy, black, angry Louis Farrakhan black guy,

he told me that jesus uh went to school in egypt that he spent a bunch of years in egypt and i

called him i said there's no such thing the bible doesn't say that and a few listeners said the same

thing well actually i did find out jesus did spend a large portion of his youth in egypt uh because

and i was honest because i was reading some religious stuff about christmas time and it

talks about the last thing that happens in the christmas story really after the birth and the

The three kings come and all that is that Jesus, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you know, smuggle Jesus out to Egypt to protect them.

Because the whole massacre of the innocent kids, you know, where I guess one of the kings said, kill all the firstborn to get this guy who's supposed to be the king of the Jews is going to take it from me.

So kill all the firstborns. And Jesus was smuggled into Egypt and he apparently was there for a large portion of his youth.

so it does make sense that they said that he did go to school in egypt so i take that back

they were correct uh but they said that's proof that he's black because he would stick out like

a sore thumb in egypt which is bullshit well i call that bullshit they were half right but that's

bullshit it's not proof that they were he was black he wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb

because if you if we all remember rome the romans were the rulers of egypt and africa in that point

especially Egypt from the times of Ptolemy

and he would

not have stuck out like a sore thumb

there were black people and you know

Romans and Greeks there

and you know people

from Middle East apparently also

so there you go

so I just wanted to say

I sit corrected

those African American Asiatics were right

Jesus did go to school in Egypt

so so so so we got some

prank requests here to get to tonight

we got some Christmas music playing in the background

round i got some songs that'll be playing here uh anything you guys wanted to touch on milkman

you have any items of note that we should be talking about that i forgot i think i'm forgetting

something but i don't know milkman anything you hit it pretty good other than that htc for some

kind which is bullshit yeah then it's going to uh now it's going to um appeals well no htc phones

to be sold in the united states next year apparently which is total bullshit that that's

It's not going to fly.

Something I did, breaking news today, GoDaddy.

Apple garbage.

GoDaddy, I was surprised.

GoDaddy, a big web hosting company, and they're sponsors of a lot of the podcasts that I listen to.

They came out in support of SOPA, which I'm really surprised.

That's a bunch of fucking assholes.

I think I'm going to give them a call and give them shit one day on the show here about that.

Yeah, so there you go.

Anything, Jen, you got anything that we should be?

No.

What is that you just said? I didn't understand, but GoDaddy is sponsoring who?

They're in support of SOPA, that's Online Privacy Act, Piracy Act.

It's some bullshit where they're trying to pass some laws.

Yeah, well, they're trying to pass some laws here.

Basically, the movie industry and the record industry created a bill,

and they got some senators and congressmen to sponsor it.

They want to pass it.

So basically, if you have a website that has material on it that's copyright that you don't have the rights for, you can go to the DNS providers.

I don't know if you know this stuff.

You know some tech stuff.

I know a little bit about it, yeah.

But, I mean, surely, like, torrent sites and things like that, they're not going to be affected because, you know, here is not hosting anything.

Yeah, they're outside of the U.S.

But, for example, let's say me, Madhouse Live, the Madhouse Live website, because I'm playing copyright music right now in the background.

so they could get wind of it they could say oh this website's got copyrighted material

so they would they would go to the dns servers out there so that when you go to madhouse live.com

it would say this page does not exist when it does so it basically it breaks the backbone of

the internet the way it's supposed to work you go to madhouse live.com and your computer and it

goes out to a dns server and it gets you it gets the ip address for madhouse there's actually a way

to do that to other websites it's called domain hijacking domain hijacking it creates

Yeah, black holes and hijacking and domain DNS poisoning.

That's basically, it's a legal way of doing that.

It's fucking horse shit.

But already, Firefox has a plugin, an extension that gets around that.

If it finds that you're going to a site that says that, it automatically defaults and kicks you over to a trustable European overseas DNS server and resolves it.

So it's fucking stupid.

stupid it's it's there's ways around it and i would think there would be ways around that it's

fucking retarded but whatever so there we got that all right so yeah yeah good point good point um

the uh newest episode of the prank cast was updated today a little late but i made it on

time before the show started so we're still not behind we've got a good record going here

uh it's called um oh jen you missed it we called that we called the turkish horse guy back again

Okay, what happened?

Oh, he just went off on me because I said I was Greek, and Turks hate Greeks.

And Greeks hate Turks because the Turks came in, and they raped the Greek women,

and they conquered Greece, and they destroyed the country over and over again throughout history.

Nice.

So the title of the show is Turks Fuck Greeks, which is what he said to me on the phone.

We should call him again tonight.

Oh, we will.

You want to call him?

Let's call him right now.

Yeah, let's call him.

First call of the night.

Let's call the Turkish horse.

Hell yeah.

Call Berkley.

Berkley. Milkman, I want to send you there, man.

When you get a chance

someday, we gotta plan it out.

We gotta send you over there, my man.

Did you find out his name yet?

No, he won't tell me. He said his name was

Stallion. That's all we know so far.

Alright, let's see if we can get it from him.

What did I save him as

under here? Turkish Kitchen. Here we go.

Tell him Merry Christmas. Jen, you take this, right?

Yeah, sure.

Hello, good evening.

Can I speak to the manager, please?

Who's calling?

Mr. Stewart.

What?

Mr. Stewart.

Second.

Mm-hmm.

Hurry, hurry.

Hello, yeah, my name is Mr. Stewart.

Your recommendation was appropriate to me.

I would like to come in there with some of my friends.

Can I do that?

What are you talking about, man?

What do you mean, what am I talking about?

I said your restaurant, it came as a recommendation to me by some friends of mine,

and I would like to come in and sit down with some of my other friends.

Can I do that?

But, look, tell me something.

I heard that you don't like Greek people. Is that true?

You know, I call the cops on you guys and can give you the officer's name.

Yeah.

And this phone is...

Was he a Greek man?

The phone is trapped, so I'm worried.

It's trapped? Your phone is trapped?

You can say anything you want.

You should try to free it.

It is trapped, and your number will be known to the cops.

What's your name?

Okay, continue talking.

Yeah, what's your name? Tell me your name.

My name is the Greek. Hello?

Hello? Idiot? Okay,

kill him.

Ryan terminate the call please

Alright we did that

Real quick I just want to mention

Milkman I don't know if you're aware of this but

Your friend is in the chat room

Maven you always ask about her

Maven's in the chat room

Alright man I just invited her

And reminded her

Big Maven

Welcome back

Who's Maven

Milkman and her had

Dated a few times

But Milkman

Man, it's too big, man.

If you only knew the amazing, awesome heart of this sports lane that is undisclosable.

You're getting very excited.

Oh, girl, girl.

Smart and a gamer.

Play StarCraft.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

I don't think he likes us.

He doesn't like us that much.

That's no fun if he's not going to say anything.

God.

It's a trap.

Yeah, I love that.

The phone is trapped.

What the fuck?

How do you trap a phone?

Oh, man.

The phone is trapped.

You called my trap.

Oh, man.

So, yeah, that's the Turkish guy there.

Bad blood.

You know, hopefully we'll be able to be friendly with him like we are now with Charlie.

We should call it a real soon.

Another friend of the Madhouse.

I wanted to mention, I was saying in the forums, there's a meeting.

There's been a meeting of the women of Madhouse, the women listeners.

And we've come to the conclusion.

They all have M names.

names maven uh miss mia and and uh my remains and we're like what's going on with the m thing here

you know yeah before you know it madonna's gonna join in madonna madonna madonna you didn't say

madonna i just like saying that because the joke here jen i don't know if you know madonna's miss

american and whatever miss american pie and then she gets the british boyfriend and goes to britain

and then starts talking like she's British out of nowhere, you know?

Really?

Yeah, she's, well, I don't think she does it anymore,

but for a while there in the 2000s, she was in the early 2000s, she was like...

You know, that's not unusual, though, you know, my mum is really weird like that.

She moved to Australia, and, you know, while she was over here,

and obviously we're all German anyway, but when she was over here,

it's all nice and British and la-la-la, and then she goes over to Australia

and she starts talking like an Aussie, you know what I mean?

Like, I'm just chilling out here.

Well, feelers everywhere, la, la, la.

No offense, sir.

I know you're German, so you might not take offense, but it all sounds the same to me.

You just say some words different, you know?

Yeah, I don't get it.

Yeah.

Speaking of which, Australia and stuff, a New Zealand earthquake, 5.8 this afternoon, this evening.

Wow, really?

I don't know.

They got hit really bad.

That Christian whatever, whatever that was.

I don't know.

Yeah, Christchurch.

I don't know if it hit a popular.

I just got the tweet right before the show started.

I don't know what the situation was, but I saw.

I don't know if our listeners can let us know, hopefully.

Didn't that hit them last year at Christmastime?

Wasn't it a Christmastime thing?

I think it was, right?

Oh, boy, something like that.

It was bad, man.

They had a bad one there a while back.

Yeah.

Yeah, so hopefully they're okay.

I don't think we have any New Zealand listeners, but we do have a lot of pranks that we've done there.

What about Australian listeners, though?

No, no, no.

I don't think our New Zealand listeners are listening.

We used to have huggy beer, and then I haven't heard from her in a while, so she got sick.

UK Ted making a good point.

If the Turks, if his phone is being recorded by the police, we should call back and play him talking about last week how he wants to fuck 15-year-old children in Greece and me.

What? He said that?

He said that, yeah.

Can you get him to say that?

He said he wants, he doesn't mind being deported back to Turkey, so he'll be close to Greece where he can go fuck the children because they're close.

Wow.

I know it, man.

I'm telling you.

Madonna's in the chatroom milk band.

Hey, good work, man.

Just move it.

Madonna.

Merry Christmas, Madonna.

Miss Ciccone.

Whatever your first name.

I forgot your name.

I know your last name.

Ciccone.

I think that's right.

Madonna Ciccone.

God, her daughter.

Have you seen her daughter?

She's got a unibrow.

Woo.

Hoofa.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God.

Forgot her name already, too.

But, God, that girl's something bad.

Is she going to be like Cher's daughter, like a lesbian, or what's the deal with that?

Dude, Chaz Bono, she was on the Stern Show a few weeks ago.

Awesome interview.

Chaz is awesome, man.

I laughed my ass off.

Is she?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Chaz is a good, cool dude, man.

Well, I thought everything about her that I did about it in the news, she was looking

like a butched-out dude, man.

What?

I never really want much further than that.

You're muffled.

Looking like a butched-out dude.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, he was he was on Stern and it was Howard's funny because, you know, Howard's

all like, you know, porn, this and that, you know, and he was he started doing guy talk

with Chaz and Chaz was rolling with it.

Chaz is really cool about it.

And they were talking about jerking off the porn.

And one of the funniest things about it was like Howard said, you get your periods anymore.

So, oh, no, I had a hysterectomy.

Chaz said he goes, yeah, the fucking period, man.

And she's like, yeah, yeah, fuck that shit.

I started laughing.

I was like, oh, you're pretty cool, Chaz.

Chaz is good.

I like Chaz Bonner.

Good interview.

Very down to earth.

And, yeah, there you go.

She likes to jerk off to porn in the kitchen.

He likes to jerk off to porn.

And Chaz does not have a penis yet.

Like, it's still a vagina.

But I guess because of the testosterone, it's made Chaz's clit grow to, like, three inches.

So it's like a little dick, apparently.

This is what Chaz says.

So Chaz actually strokes it off, he said.

Oh, my goodness.

He actually watches porn and, like, strokes off the three-inch clit.

I was like, oh, my God.

Pretty sick.

Yeah, and then I'll get off the subject after this, but Howard asked us.

You're pretty raunchy, man.

Well, Howard asked, like, do you, like, masturbate with your girlfriend or whatever?

Oh, no, I can't.

I masturbate alone.

I jerk off alone.

And they were like, oh, yeah, you're a guy.

If anybody asks, you know, you're totally, yeah.

I don't stroke my huge clit at all.

It was like, there's no question, man.

Man, that's what guys do.

Jerk off alone.

Yeah, I can't jerk off with my wife.

But nobody else.

I don't watch porn with my wife.

This is weird.

This is my time.

You know what I mean?

It's Carlos' time.

It's porno time.

Yeah, there you go.

So let's continue on.

Let's look at these Request a Praxis's, why don't we?

See what we got here.

Brad Carter, also known as RBCP, good friend of ours,

mentioned to me in personal chat this week

that during the phone show

Tuesday night, he did a little bit

of social engineering beforehand

and got the numbers. He called

Walmarts and Walgreens and basically

said, I'm calling from corporate.

I need to get the list of everyone with the last

name D who hasn't picked up their photos in a while.

And they read them off. They

gave them names of people like

Walmart. The people at Walmart said, yeah,

so-and-so has pictures here since

November 1st or whatever.

And Brad was calling them

and harassed him it sounded pretty funny so he passed them on to me some of the ones that didn't

answer or that he didn't get to uh so again these are people uh that have dropped off pictures at

walmart and have not uh picked them up for a few weeks and i think that's a prime prime uh time for

prank calls i meant to have that's pretty good i meant to have a sound effect of a paper shredder

in time but i forgot to get that shit that was my plan for it but then and and i was listening to

to the phone show.

Who, really,

who gets prints anymore?

Anybody, really?

You've got to be old as fuck.

Are you a scrapbooker?

It's all digital now, baby.

Parents do, man.

Parents get them printed out, dude,

because they want that shit to keep.

They don't look at a computer and stuff.

Oh, God.

Yeah, a lot of people here don't really...

It's a parents and grandparents thing.

I don't know.

We still have it at the supermarket.

You can sort of go in

and have your photos printed.

Yeah, you can here,

but it just seems that that's going to be...

All the Walgreens have it up here.

It's cheaper, though.

It's much cheaper because if you go to a supermarket and get it done,

rather than buying the paper and printing it off here,

if you're only going to do one or two photos,

it's not worth buying your own printer and paper and everything

and then doing it from here.

It's stupid.

Yeah, I remember when Kodak first came out with those

do-your-prints-at-home or whatever, and that was so cool.

Yeah, you paid like 70 quid for 10 sheets.

What's the crazy amount of that?

A quid?

Yeah, 70 quid.

Yeah, 70 pounds or what is that?

Like $100, I don't know.

Oh, no, it's closer now, isn't it?

I guess.

UK Ted sending in a number.

Hey, before I go any further, three things.

Number one, Jen, are you working tomorrow or tonight or this morning?

No, no training, no working, nothing.

I'm free as a bird.

Good deal.

Free as a bird.

You know what?

You should be doing a show with no pants on.

Free as a bird.

All right, so we got that.

And then also wanted to mention before I forget, I can't believe I forgot,

got we're on cacti radio.com and uh that's uh cacti radio and of course uh ted's network blue

planet hosting uh what's happening with ted he needs to call into the show yeah you keep you

two keep missing each other he he was out he was around early last week and you weren't here and

then the week before that you left and he showed up like right after so hopefully maybe tonight you

guys yeah maybe tonight you guys can converge he listens when he's out he when he he's working and

He does his, you know, exercising stuff like you do in the morning.

He does it at night.

So he listens on his Android phone, he says.

So hopefully he'll be able to tune in.

Hopefully he's listening, first of all, of course.

And second of all, hopefully maybe you guys can get together.

Yeah, it'd be nice to do a call again.

Good like old times.

That'd be good.

Bring you guys together back.

Okay, so listen.

UK Ted sent in a number for what's supposed to be the number of the North Korean embassy in London.

This is the first one to actually answer the phone.

Asked to arrange a prisoner transfer.

for we have jackie chan and we're willing to exchange him for james bond wrong that was a

movie well the who did they trade in that movie that bond movie bond was traded for um one of

those guys i don't even know which movie you're talking about the one with madonna that one the

bond movie madonna where she was one of the bond girls she wasn't a bond girl she made an appearance

in it really yeah it came out in 2001 2002 uh which one was that it was pierce bronson's last

one i know that much whichever was his last one it was in korea and the world is not enough no

it was after that die another day die another day okay fine right yeah but i'm forgetting who

chow yun fat not chow yun fat the one that was the one that was in the movie with alia that why

I forgot their names already.

Romeo Must Die.

I don't remember.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Yes.

What was that name?

Rick June.

No.

Who was Jet Li?

Was it Jet Li?

Jet Li?

No, he couldn't have been Jet Li.

No, no, no.

It wasn't Jet Li.

Let me check out Google.

Google will tell me.

Let's see here.

Yeah, I'm on IMDb.

I'm looking.

Die Another Day.

One of the martial artists.

One of the younger ones.

Not really younger, but best.

Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry,

I might be wrong on the actors.

It must be this Wee Yun Lee.

Will Yun Lee. I thought it was someone else

completely. I don't know. Who was I confusing

him with? What movie was that?

Die? No, no, no. Romeo Must Die.

Yeah, that was Jet Li.

That was Jet Li in Romeo Must Die.

It wasn't really.

Then who was the one in Crouching Tiger

Hidden Dragon? Who was that?

Chao Yun Feng.

That was Jet Li too.

Was it?

Yeah, Jet Li was that guy.

I guess Cho.

That's one of my favorites.

It was Chao Yong Fan in Captain Diet.

Yeah, Jet Li was in.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

So then who am I?

Chao Yong Fan.

Now, who's the fat dragon?

Now I'm confused.

Well, it's Sammo Hung.

Sal, that's where I go.

I heard fat, and I was phased out.

Okay.

How do I know so much about this?

Sammo Hung's pretty cool.

He was awesome, man.

Yeah, he was really awesome.

He's like the Ron Jeremy of martial arts movies.

He's like the overweight but kind of cool guy.

Anyway.

Okay, North Korean embassy in London.

Let's do it.

Yeah, you take it.

I'm going to listen.

Oh, you're free.

How do I call a phone here?

You can bring me in if you want to.

I can be a lawyer or something.

A lawyer?

Hello.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

That's great.

Listen, I understand that your dear leader has passed away.

I just want to offer my condolences.

Thank you.

On behalf of the United States of America, that's who I am.

Would you hold on just one minute, please?

Where are you going?

One minute, please.

How do you call?

It's only time.

Well, this is the North Korean embassy.

Okay, so yeah, I just wanted to, you know, offer my condolences.

I'm from the United States, first of all.

Oh, yeah.

And so Kim Jong-il died, what was it, four days ago?

Yes.

Okay, and then I have a message from the people of America.

Listen.

Can you call to our permanent mission in New York?

Listen, listen.

Okay.

Here's the message.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And also, Kim Jong-il looked like Chinese Elvis Presley.

Hello?

Why would he?

Why is he complaining about the time I'm calling?

Is it an embassy?

Why are you calling at this moment?

Yeah, why do you call at this hour?

He is British.

What is time in England?

What is the time?

Do you know the time, kid?

Yes.

It's 4 o'clock in the morning.

He left.

Answer there.

All right, well.

He's probably tearing his hair out.

why did this happen to me why do they call to make fun of the dear leader one more time one

more time i have something funny now this is me that one was me this is my funny one he doesn't

like chinese fan elvis herbal bacon making a good point they don't sound sad enough he does look a

bit like elvis hello embassy you disgrace my family oh man i'm telling you those guys those

those north koreans man north korea what can you say all right everybody moving on here thank you

uk ted good number maybe we can find another embassy to call carl kokanee sending in a number

big kokanee justin tyler hunt i am using text now app to text for free on my iphone and ipod

we'll get it kokanee got some kind of text i think he wants to prank him all right we can do

that i'll tell you what yeah i've been you know i was talking about that eye pain i took um one of

of my pain meds and now i'm all goofy but now i'm hungry he gave me hungry i don't know what to do

you should eat a pheasant oh pheasants are good yeah really nice you know i had one uh what was

it two days ago for the first time and uh i just had one yesterday as well because it was just so

nice i just went straight back to the butcher and brought another yeah yeah fuck it's so nice

a little i ate the whole thing by myself i was like oh yeah this is really good for a bird um

they're kind of red you know like dark you know what i mean like yeah yeah you know it's kind of

of weird it's you know what was really weird though mine still had the heart inside it you

know they leave the heart inside oh there was like there were valves coming off the heart

really yeah i ate it well i it sounds nasty but um my mom always saves the chicken heart for me

she cooks it when she makes a whole chicken and i eat it it's not i don't know yeah but what does

it have do you do you get yours with the little um valves on it the aortic valves it is a couple

no it comes in a little bag inside you know some people throw it away the bag has liver and the

heart yeah sure right the liver as well yeah but she um i usually eat the heart i don't know why

i'm telling you guys that's embarrassing but that's what i do it's really small you get it

it's small as fuck it's like the size of the tip of my thumb chicken heart is very small okay well

the pheasant one was slightly bigger it was sort of fitting in the palm of my hand it was quite

disgusting i was playing with it for a while before i ate it i'm playing with your food

i sound like some psychopath yeah i was playing with the hearts you know

yeah fez is almost like uh beef and you know i've never had ostrich i will like that i heard

nothing but good things about ostrich meat i they say it's like it's like they say it's beef it

tastes just like beef i hear i surely that's not uh legal though is it i mean there's some laws

against that no no ostrich as a matter of fact um you guys over there when when the uk had the

For the first time in the 90s, the big scare, the, whatchamacallit, the mad cow disease scare.

Oh, yeah, that's what the mouse did.

Yeah, it was really big over there, the ostrich burgers and all that.

And, yeah, they're trying.

Yeah, the ostrich burgers and stuff.

That's what I heard.

That's what I told us here.

But, no, it's not illegal.

And there's a lot of ostrich farms and stuff in the United States.

It hasn't really caught on.

But they say it's like beef, but really succulent.

I don't know.

Very interesting.

thing i've never i've never even thought about eating an ostrich yeah well the big thing they

said also it's less of an impact on the environment i guess they eat less food they they rear

themselves faster they um they run pretty fast too yeah true they yield more meat and apparently

it's healthier for you it's not as fat and stuff it's like a good steak but it's not you know you

got your purists that want to have that good steak with that's marbleized and fat and all that and

And that's all fun and good.

You've got to watch out.

I haven't really had much red meat since I had my surgery in April.

We've been staying away from it.

As a matter of fact, I think I told you about this milkman.

If you look in our freezer right now, there's nothing but chicken.

That's all I've had for the last week and a half is chicken, chicken, chicken.

That's really good.

High protein, low fat.

There it is.

And just no dark meat either.

No chicken thighs.

It's just breast meat and wings.

Nice.

Yes.

I thought you'd be proud of that.

All right.

Moving on here.

Here, let's see what we got here.

Request a prank from Richard.

I heard a phone call with this guy.

He was very upset and angry.

He called the company that should fix the elevator in a building he owns.

The company's in doubt.

Did you hear about this one?

No, no, no.

He's got an elevator.

Oh, yeah.

Imagine that.

Shit.

His building is on, okay, this here.

His name is Dave.

From the call I heard, it should be easy to make him angry.

Maybe you can say you're from the elevator company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the programmer for the elevator.

That is fucking brilliant.

All right.

Accused him of breaking the elevator by pushing the wrong buttons or something.

Good idea.

Really good.

All right, so let me do this, Jen.

I'm going to post the name and address for your info.

If you want to do this one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to try it.

All right, guys.

Look, it's embarrassing.

Here's the music I'm playing tonight.

My brother-in-law owns a coffee shop,

and he asked me to do him a favor and get him a BitTorrent with Christmas music

music for his shop for the you know christmas time so i did that i'm playing those songs i found

a torrent that was 200 christmas songs and i'm just playing them at random so if you hear something

stupid it's all right there's like n-sync i don't know the n-sync at christmas songs but they're in

here oh you'll listen to that you'll listen you get what you get guys it's christmas time we're

gonna listen to it we're gonna be happy all right gents so uh let me start out here by opening the

The I.M. Machine?

I don't know who this is.

Is this like Il Divo or something?

Okay.

All right, anyway, there's the info.

Let me get the number here.

You ready to go?

Sure, yeah.

Oh, who's the company that did the lift?

Wait a minute.

Koken is confirming the number he sent.

It has no answer.

What was that?

Who's the company who's supposed to be doing the lift?

Do we know?

I did not get that info.

Well, I can't call him up and say, oh, this is the company that make your lift.

That doesn't make any sense.

We need to know.

I don't know.

Well, just say you're from Elevator.

I don't know.

Okay, all right.

Let's try it.

Let's see where it goes.

Elevator administration?

I don't know.

We'll just see what happens.

I figured it out.

The number you dialed is not in service.

Seriously, Richard.

The number you dialed?

No, we got all excited about that number, and it didn't work.

Let me try it again.

It really melts my butter, man.

Hmm.

This would have been pretty good.

No.

I don't do elevator calls.

I like elevators.

There used to be lists of numbers on the PLA forums, elevator phone numbers you could

call, and you could hear the people in the elevator.

It was so much fun.

They don't work anymore.

though. The number you dialed is not in

service. Well, I don't know what to tell you, Richard.

Maybe because it's a test call or something.

It's okay. Whatever.

Running out the AIM messages here.

Lalo, a friend of mine, says, I look like

the guitarist from Andrew WK

with the Hawaiian shirt. I have no idea who

that is, but sounds good. Thanks, man.

Oh, this is very cool Christmas music.

Is it? What is this? I don't even know. It sounds Korean.

I don't know what it is, but it's pretty cool.

Gregulate

number for TGI Fridays.

You need to make sure you call it quick before they

close. What time is it now? Probably close.

It's 11. Oh, no. TGI

Fridays is open. Too late. Ask for the manager

and just make fun of his name

and bother him. He's easily annoyed. Accused

him of being a hacker. His name is Maynard

Kruger. I'll do that.

I'll take it. And if you want to jump in.

I'll wait for these guys to send in a number for the lift because I think

they've got a really good idea. The lift.

Elevator. I don't know you fucking Americans.

Twist everything around.

We'll get in the call box and call them.

Hi, TGI Fridays. This is Liz. How may I help you?

Yes. Hi, Big Liz. Listen,

Listen, I've got a complaint for Maynard Kroger.

Is he there?

You have a complaint?

Yeah, for Maynard Kroger.

There was someone there by the name of Elizabeth who gave me a hard time.

Maynard?

Maynard Kroger.

Yes.

Okay, one second.

I forget we got to get to his Walmart phone photo number.

Some people just have the shittest whole music.

God, tell me about it.

I can't sign TGI Friday just because of the music when you go there to eat.

Oh, it's so fucking loud.

Yeah, I've been there once.

It's crazy.

and they start singing happy birthday to everyone like what the fuck four or five times a night

exactly yeah how many fucking people have the same birthday same oh withina when we were first

dating she had a massive headache she's like let's go to tj friday's like please no it's like

please i want to go oh god fine they got blaring music just loud it must have been good for a

headache listen marty how can i help you hey big guy how you doing i'm doing good and yourself i'm

good maynard listen i'm making a complaint okay maynard kroger right maynard who maynard maynard

kroger that's your name i'm calling about maynard kroger don't have a maynard kroger here he's the

manager there maynard oh oh boden oh maynard kroger yeah his name is maynard but his last

name is uh not kroger what was he there no he just left at about 10 o'clock god damn it you're

You're stupid.

They don't know what to do.

Guy's not there.

What am I going to do?

Oh, shit.

That was brilliant.

It wasn't.

It was stupid.

I love imagining the look on these people's faces.

You didn't say something like that.

You guys just call me stupid.

Hey, buddy, you're stupid.

Get the fuck off.

What else are you going to do in a situation like that?

You're stupid.

Fuck your mom, you cunt.

What do you call my baby?

There you go.

Fuck your mom, you cunt.

All right.

Me, Marv.

IG-69 wants us to call the Asiatics.

Yeah, I'll have to track down their number.

It's a set and save it.

This Lyft company, this Otis thing, has anybody sent in any elevator numbers?

Negative, nothing yet.

They're talking about it in the IRC, but nobody's sending in numbers.

Was it like a radio?

How do people know the call?

There's a 24-hour service hotline for the company called Otis

who apparently do something with elevators.

Oh, yeah, they invented it, I think.

Oh, it's elevators.

Yeah, they invented them.

Yeah, Otis machine.

They used to call him back in Milkman's day when he was in high school.

Otis over here doesn't ring any bells.

Every time I've ever gone in, it says some German company.

Hey, it's Bing Crosby.

Here's some good Christmas music.

That Bing Crosby could sing.

All right, here we go.

Direct line to an outbound telemarketing call center.

Instant answer only.

Open until 9 p.m. MST3 play.

All right.

This is a direct line for an outbound telemarketing call center.

All right, sounds good.

I would like to try to sell them something.

In order to do that, however, my plan would be to use AMD's telemarketing script.

Let's see if we can locate that real quick here.

Oh, that's what I was supposed to talk about.

The only thing I forgot to say.

I got the best Christmas gift, I think.

I ended up with four job interviews this week.

Yeah!

And I got a job.

Wow!

Here's a funny thing.

Look, let me explain this to you guys.

I don't know if some of you guys are going to know.

Milkman, you know.

I had the job with, I don't want to say who, I can't really, I don't like saying.

Let's just say.

Don't get too much description.

It's general.

All right, let's just say the job I – all right, let's say I had this job –

I had the job in the bag, and I didn't get it because I went blind that week.

Like, literally, I was sitting at my computer.

I got a call from my recruiter that got me my job up here in Pennsylvania originally.

And he was like, I got this job.

It's an awesome job making $50,000 a year for me.

It's pretty good money.

He told me that.

I was like, all right, good.

Sounds good.

I told him he had sent me the confirmation email.

And he's like, all right, fine.

Start Monday.

It was Friday.

I got the email.

I replied back to the secretary confirming yes.

I will be there 8.30 a.m. first day on Monday after the weekend.

And as soon as I hit send, I lost my vision completely.

My left eye, I had surgery already in my left eye, so that was blind still.

It was still recovering.

And a vessel, a blood vessel blew up in my right eye, the one I just had surgery on a few weeks ago.

Couldn't see.

And I was like, I can't.

I had to call the guy back, and he was kind of like, oh, boy, all right.

All right, well, all right, no problem.

Mind you, this guy was patient with me from all my surgeries.

How did you dial the number?

Luckily, I've got, like, watch.

Let me tell you what I had to do.

I'll give you an example.

Yeah.

Call Milkman Google.

It didn't answer.

It was like that.

Nice, nice.

Okay.

Call Athena.

Hello, hello.

Call Athena.

Yes.

It wasn't for that.

Let's see.

I won't let her ring.

I don't want to wake her up.

Sure.

Let's see.

Yeah, you're lucky.

I was lucky.

Because I was able to call him back and tell him, look, I'm sorry, sir.

Anyway, so I lost that job.

Anyway, so fast forward to last week.

And I haven't had any job offers.

I haven't really been looking.

But I emailed him.

And then I called him.

And then I emailed him.

And I said, look, I'm looking for work.

I'm ready to go.

We haven't talked in a few weeks.

Let me know.

And he didn't even call me back.

He sent me an email saying, we'll be in touch.

And that was it.

I was like, oh, fuck.

He's pissed.

Like, that's it.

Burnt that bridge.

Not my fault, but burnt the bridge.

Won't get the job.

up so like all right whatever so that was last week last wednesday and then on monday um i got

a call from another recruiter and he's like i've got two jobs i'm gonna put you down for it and then

one of them is like a sure bet you're gonna get this job no matter what don't worry about it you

just got to go in as long as you're not a doofus you got this job um cool that's good and then i

got a call from another place that i interviewed for two weeks ago they wanted a second interview

and i was like sure that job was like done because they never called me back after two weeks like

all right it's over like we want you to come in for a second interview tomorrow i'm like right

fine sounds good then another job on top of that interview for friday i'm like holy shit what's the

fuck this is all within four hours of themselves on monday i'm like hell yeah i'm on a roll here

you know so i did one of the interviews on tuesday and it went okay you know it was pretty good

and then i confirmed so wednesday morning i've got to interview nine o'clock in the morning

9 30 in the morning uh and the guy's like you know you're gonna get this job it's our position

to fill you just have to go in and just you know be yourself and they already told me uh it text

help desk support but it was only like 18 bucks an hour it's like a big pay cut for me but i'll

take it it's work i haven't worked since april so my shit i'll fucking take it so i'm like and

i'm like all happy and all right got some interviews i'm like i know for a fact you

By the end of the week, I'm going to get a job.

I get a call at 7.45 at night on Wednesday, Tuesday night, from the guy who got me the original job, the really big, really nice job.

Out of nowhere at 7.45 at night, he talked to me for 15 minutes, and he's like, are you healthy now?

I'm like, yeah, I'm done with surgeries, eyes doing okay, recovering.

He's like, all right, well, start working on Thursday morning.

I'm like, really?

He's like, yeah, $50,000 a year?

Yeah, come on.

So four job interviews and a fifth job offer, and it was awesome, awesome stuff.

I was really, really good week.

So I got that.

Yeah, I can't tell you guys who I'm working for.

Let's just say it's a good, high-prestigious, high-paying job, man, with longevity.

What do you have to do?

Well, it's IT stuff.

I'm going to be doing some database work.

Okay, so any programming?

Programming, SQL, SQL, Visual Basic.

I won't tell you

you go look

figure it out

that's very broad

but it's

I just showed

it's a good job

pretty happy about it

pretty excited

yeah congratulations

thank you man

yeah

my nico

that was great

back on the bubble

so

the reason I meant

to tell you guys that

is

that means

those late shows

that we've been doing

three o'clock in the morning

on Thursday nights

ain't gonna be happening

anymore

so

hope you guys enjoyed it

because from now on

1 o'clock in the morning at the latest.

I'm cutting it off, which means we're just

about halfway through the show on normal, but I'm not

working yet. He did want me to start

working today, but he called back and said,

well, with the holidays,

the managers are on vacation

and time off, so we'll start you first week of January.

Tuesday

after January will be my first day.

How exciting!

No, it ain't exciting. Who was that?

Kelly Clarkson. Mouthfucker.

You know, you ever fuck a girl in the mouth?

Artie! Artie!

Hey, you ever fuck a girl in the mouth?

Yeah, you want me to call you?

All right, I'll call you.

Breaking news, ready, okay.

I think Evil Artie just fucked Clay Clarkson in the mouth, man.

Look at that.

All right.

Evil Artie, he's a trip, that guy.

Feel bad for the guy.

He's a good kid, you know?

Brought him under my wing.

What happened?

Hey, what's going on?

Dude, you remember that 30-year-old chick I told you about?

Yeah.

Well, she texted me earlier today and asked me if I had any trees.

You can get her, like...

I'm like, I'm probably not, but I can get you $25 with the legal stuff.

Okay.

And she's like, oh, if you promise it'll get me high.

Then I'm like, all right.

So I finally got it, and around 9, I went and saw her, you know,

and we started smoking it in the car outside of Walmart and that Walmart.

Not the Walmart, but the one on.

Oh, okay, the night, by the mall.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Like, we started smoking it out in the parking lot.

And guess what happens next?

Cops.

We start seeking the fuck out.

Oh, no.

She made me call an ambulance.

Dude, wait a minute.

She had never smoked K2 before, and you had her smoke a whole bunch of it?

I told you not to do that.

No, we didn't even smoke a bowl.

Yeah, that fucks people.

Some people get really fucked up really bad on that, dude.

I told you about that.

I had to ditch the bowl.

Oh, God.

My brand new, beautiful bowl.

Oh, you just bought that bowl, man.

Wow.

Yeah, for $40 motherfucking dollars.

Well, just go back and get it.

Well, I had to throw it over a special comfortable boat.

Why?

If you're in a Walmart parking lot, you could have put it under some grass or something.

and you should have hit it.

Huh?

You should have hit it like in a median or something

and gone back and gotten it.

Well, I didn't want to get out of my car.

Like, I didn't want to look sick, you know?

So what happened?

They came to the ambulance?

And then guess what happened?

Then fucking guess what happens after that?

After the paramedics leave,

say you can follow to the hospital.

Cops show up.

Then my car doesn't fucking start.

Oh, great.

So wait, the paramedics in the parking lot

all around your car,

people watching and all this shit?

Not really any people.

I'm so glad the cops didn't get here.

They asked sir for ID.

I'm like, do I need to get my ID out?

He's like, no, don't worry about it.

And I'm thinking, thank God.

Dude, so wait a minute.

So, dude, what was she doing?

Was she frothing at the mouth?

What was she doing?

Was she going, bloop?

Well, no, she was shaking and shit, and she said, I can't move my hands.

Oh, my God.

She said she had a Benadryl earlier today.

That kid is just about ready to be banned, man.

They say that the chemicals in it aren't even guaranteed to be what's in it, man,

that some of that shit actually is poison.

Yeah, some of it.

Like, there's people, yeah, there's people that, like, yeah, they burn their lungs out and shit.

Like, if you get a bad batch, because some of that, where'd you get it, a gas station or something, man?

No, at the head shop, and he said that the crust on the bottom means it's a really good batch or something.

Oh, yeah, it's...

Yeah, it's fucking loaded with, like, gray kind of chemicals and shit like that, man.

It's dangerous, guys.

Be careful, man.

Yeah, man, that's, that's, yeah.

And she didn't fucking pay me back for it, and I need that money for Christmas shopping.

Oh, very nice, Artie.

She's fucking going to probably fucking...

She's going to be in the hospital.

You need to go to the cops.

I think that's your gift, brother.

She's probably going to be in the hospital for Christmas,

and she has, like, what, four kids?

Yeah.

If she took your head, it's not meant for human consumption.

Okay.

Yeah, here's a pipe and a lighter,

but it's not for human consumption.

Okay.

No, it's not a lighter.

That's like in Florida when you go buy fireworks

and you have to sign that you're going to use it

to scare crows off of your property.

Like, yeah, that's what I'm going to use these fireworks for.

I hope you learn your lesson, dude, and stick to the real stuff if you're going to do that shit, man.

That's not good.

This is exactly why marijuana should be legal.

Yeah, well, they've completely outlawed that shit here in Pennsylvania

because, like, there were kids showing up at the mall here down the street.

They're, like, all freaking out, passing out, doing that same shit you're talking about.

Dude, that's scary.

Yeah, but the good thing about the bowl, I think it's relatively protected.

I might go back in the next week.

You shouldn't even touch that bowl because whatever got her all fucked up

will probably do the same thing to you if you try to smoke out of it.

Well, what if I clean it?

I wouldn't even take that chance.

If it did that to someone who was sitting next to me,

that shit may not come out.

That shit won't come out, dude.

I wouldn't touch that.

That bowl's bad.

Well, there's already a healthy layer of other resin on there.

All right, dude, do whatever you want.

Go ahead.

Do it.

I smoked a whole batch of that stuff before.

Not the same.

You just bought it today, right?

Yeah, it's the same song.

Oh, my God, that poor girl.

You told, she had never done that before.

You just get the real weed, man.

I told her just take one hit, I swear.

I told her what you told me.

Is that what she did?

No.

How many hits did she take?

Oh, my God.

You got to do, like, one hit, and you wait, you take another one,

you wait, like, 20 minutes with that legal shit, dude.

That'll kill you.

You know what was the funny thing the guy at the head shop told me?

Like, I have a kind of rapport with him now.

He's like, all these people say, Dave, you want to party with me?

I'm like, you can't handle me because you always want to go to the hospital.

Wow.

You're talking about don't, don't.

If they say they want to go to the hospital, tell them, suck it up.

That's crazy, dude.

I know this one guy a long time ago, back when I was a big fan.

He'd never taken one before.

He took that fucker and, dude, he, like, went and, like, did shit.

Man, we thought he had that man-made shit.

Yeah, man.

Look at that girl with a cramp.

You're lucky she didn't die in her fucking car, man.

She's got four kids around Christmas.

Can you imagine that?

Who knows?

I've never contributed to any, like, of an unknown cause.

Yeah, that's why I've never touched acid in my life.

I'm so fucked because I have a bad trip.

No way.

It's coming from, like, Peru and China.

They're spraying potpourri with who knows what.

Fucking crap.

Here's my new rule.

If it grows from the ground, okay.

Okay.

All right, man.

I just, I don't know.

Okay.

God, I just don't want to.

But, you know, it all ended in peace for me.

I mean, I'm on my way home.

Aren't you freaked out that this girl that you know,

I think she's been playing games this whole time, to tell the truth.

She has a boyfriend that she's lying to.

And another guy she's lying to me about.

How's she going to explain to the boyfriend, yeah, I'm in the hospital.

I was in the Walmart parking lot smoking with some guy.

You've got to be careful, man.

Does she know where you live and shit?

Yeah, but the boyfriend's in Houston, Texas.

Kill me, man.

Go kick his ass.

Yeah, I'm telling you.

Or she's going to tell the cops.

Like, who knows?

They're going to want to, like, check her blood and shit.

And who knows, man?

I don't know, man.

There's no more evidence.

I know, he laced it.

That's what it was.

Yeah, they should say he laced it because he was trying to get in her pants.

He was trying to do a date rape on me.

Yeah, delete the show.

That's what it was.

There was roofing in it.

Everybody got away from him.

Yep, I'll tell you.

Everybody forget anything I said tonight.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Take it to our depths.

Everybody, Artie Wilkinson lives on 1222 Johnson Road.

No, I'm not kidding.

That's not your name.

anyway dude wow dude so yeah that'll teach you a lesson you know just rival that hangover night i

had hangover night oh when you remember in the double tree oh when you peed in the yeah all that

stuff yeah man you almost killed somebody i think so i think peeing in the hotel lobby um trash can

yeah this is when shit goes yeah dude don't i don't know just fucking nuts anyway so um

Jen's on here.

Jen, do they have that legal marijuana substitute there in the U.K.?

I wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know.

That's something I'm interested in.

Sorry.

Yeah, see, Jen, all Jen does, Jen watches porn, and he jerks off,

and he cuts off an oxygen supply to his head.

I use male sex toys.

Yeah, and he puts a bag over his head, a plastic bag, and he jerks off,

and that's all you need sometimes, man.

Try that, Artie.

Yeah, but I'll call her up sometime tomorrow.

Should I call later tonight?

night no dude she's gonna be in the hospital man do you want to know the truth man yeah dude you

know be honest with you the only stories that i've heard of people going to the hospital in k2

they've been there for several days and and the doctors don't know what to do like they always

like you read the articles and like we don't know what to do we don't understand what the

poisons the toxins are in that yeah they can't do anything did you send what was left with her

You might need to delete this show, Carlito.

Did you at least send that shit with her so they could at least test it in the hospital for what it had?

No.

Oh, my God.

Well, I don't know.

I don't know where it is now.

Oh, my God.

I got to do a search on my car when I get home.

You fucking killed that girl.

Oh, man.

I'm going to check my land.

I think you might have taken it with her.

Hopefully she did so that they could test it and see what the fuck was in that shit.

Yeah, I hope there ain't no fingerprints all over it either.

God damn.

Oh, fuck.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yep, I'm telling you, and Walmart, and that Walmart's going to...

I'm telling you, man, don't fuck with that garbage, man.

You're better off just going out with the natural shit.

Yeah, Walmart's going to have that, they got the cameras, man.

They're going to know you were doing that.

They got the video of it out there, I'm sure.

And you know that they report to Homeland Security now.

They do, yeah, they do.

They might have a video of me throwing my ball over the fence.

Yeah, the cops are going to rip back.

You're going to rip over the fence, you dumbass.

Too late now.

Nah, you should have thrown it out on I-4 on your way home, you dumbass.

Broken it on I-4, never would have found it.

Ooh, look at the wheels.

They're in the fucking backyard.

They're not going to look for a bull back there.

I'm telling you.

I'm pretty sure they're not going to look at all,

because I'm pretty sure this thing happens every day.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think they thought that she was full of shit.

They were talking to her like she was a retard.

Well, you know, I mean.

They kind of were.

Because she was having a, so she was, like, shaking and shit?

Yeah.

Could she talk?

You're in the hospital.

She said she couldn't breathe.

Hospital.

You put a girl in the hospital.

Well, no, she said she couldn't breathe,

and they started saying, well, you can talk.

Yeah, good point.

Yep.

Wow.

All right, Artie, dude, I don't know what to tell you.

I'll edit this stuff out.

I don't like the reaction, even.

But you got 94 listeners right now hearing all this,

plus all the people.

Were there people standing around watching?

I'm presuming they were standing around watching.

No, there was not really anyone there.

I got a question.

Did the listeners jump when I started?

Jump?

What do you mean?

You know, like the numbers.

Oh, no.

No.

So what, I know that's my favorite Walmart.

So what part of it?

Over by the GameStop or?

We were, like, right behind the gas station between, like, we were pulled up to that fence.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So did you get any real quick?

No.

You didn't get a chance to get any?

That was going to happen next.

Wow.

Dude, she's having convulsions and you're finging her ass.

Man, dude, that is not good.

You should have put her hand on your cock real quick.

Well, here, just real quick.

Then I'll call the.

you should have had her

you had her man

yeah I'll call the ambulance

but first suck my cock

she wanted me to drive her to the hospital

yeah you might have been

see that's what I

I probably would have taken the hospital dropper off

because they have this rule in Florida

it's like no questions if you're bringing somebody in for something like that

you just they don't ask you

but I would have felt bad you know

oh yeah you don't feel bad now you're totally not

you shouldn't feel bad now

Now I kind of had a reason to go straight home because my car wouldn't start.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Am I right?

I guess.

Oh, boy, dude.

I just don't know what to tell you.

All right, let's move on with the show.

So we don't have to edit it out.

I'm telling you.

Maybe all this happened so we know maybe this is preventing a seed from being planted in her.

Maybe this is all part of the overarching plan.

I thought you said she has a hysterectomy.

Yeah, I'm sure our girls never lied about that.

You got a point.

Yeah, it's the next thing you know, I'm pregnant.

You said you're on the pill.

I lied.

I had that once.

I had a girl tell me that.

I was.

It is.

I mean, I guess maybe that was something from up above preventing me from knocking her up.

Maybe it was Grandpa.

Grandpa, yeah.

Uncle Tony.

Listen, listen.

Grandpa wanted me to keep my money.

I don't think Grandpa would approve.

Yeah, let's just get our mind off of that.

Let's do some pranks before we, Jesus Christ.

I just don't know what, I'm really disappointing you already.

Really.

Really?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'll talk to you about this after.

We're going to have a conversation.

All right.

I can't wait.

Is that me that's going to be present?

You've got to school him, bro.

Seriously, dude.

Really, seriously, man.

You need to fucking grow up by the time it's already.

You're really lucky, bro.

I'm telling you.

Listen, all right.

Let's continue on.

Here, we've got numbers.

We've got an elevator and a parking garage.

Jin, I got you an elevator.

You got me an elevator and a parking garage.

This will get you through to the parking garage.

You have to be lucky to have someone in it.

Let's try it.

Let's see if someone's in it.

All right, then.

Artie, you can say, oh, I can't breathe.

Let Artie do it.

I'll do an animated company.

Oh, God.

I can't breathe.

I got an idea.

It's the same story.

I just need to go.

Just tell the story.

Oh, my God, guys.

You know what just happened to me?

All right, let me do this one first.

All right, Artie.

I turned my phone down onto the next level, man.

If you see it, man, get it for me.

Just kick it.

Hello?

Elevator.

This could be a breaking news.

Back to message.

Elevator

No one's in there

We'll keep it on the background

Let's do the show in the elevator

We'll have it on the elevator

I just got a text, dude

Alright, tell us what it is, Artie

I'm curious

It's from a 407 number

Alright, what is it?

It says, what the fuck did you give her?

What?

No, you don't

Yes, I do, dude

Oh my god

Ruthie, baby

Artie, seriously, did you get that?

You think I should go over to my brother's house

And ask him what I should do?

Did you seriously get that text?

Tell me the truth

Yes, I did

And you don't know the number?

A local 407 number?

What the fuck did you give her?

Yeah.

You got to reply.

You think it's the best for me to get legal counsel?

I'm going to do with you.

I don't know.

I don't know, dude.

Yeah.

Call your brothers.

You better be blocking that number.

Yeah, you need to go, dude.

You need to figure that.

Yeah, you got to get that taken care of, man.

I got another.

It says what?

Fuck.

What's it say?

It said answer me, god damn it.

Well, call it.

Call it.

It's the same number.

Call it.

No.

That's going on the show.

What's the number?

No, no. I don't...

Come on. Don't be a pussy, man.

I gotta get my story straight.

What are you, a pussy? I'll take care of it.

And he asked you for the lawyer, man.

We got it, man.

We'll get you out of this, dude.

No, no. I don't want to fuck with it, dude.

We can get you out of this so easy.

Gin talks British, so believe him.

We'll get you out of it, man. Come on.

Man, it's cool.

Listen, man.

Artie, let me tell you.

This one time when I was 22, all right, no one knows about this.

I choked a girl, all right, and she passed out.

I choked a girl.

Let's do it.

The ambulance showed up, and I got out of it.

I know what to do, man.

Come on.

No, I think I'm going to go over to Kyle's cell.

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

Oh, Artie.

So call me in about an hour.

Are you going to be out in an hour?

No, we're definitely calling you now.

Now we've got to know what the fuck's going on with this story.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

I'll call you back.

All right.

All right, see you, man.

See you.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if we had told that number?

I wish I had that number.

How old is he?

He's like 16?

Artie's 22.

He just turned 22.

Jeez, you got me pulled.

What the fuck?

That's like high school shit.

Oh, my God, dude.

That's the...

He went from Skittles to fucking imaginary weed.

Oh, my God.

He...

Wow.

Now I feel bad.

What did you do to him?

He's totally corrupted.

Yeah, well, dude, yeah, right?

He had never smoked weed before until he came over to my house once.

Wow.

Yeah, we totally need to follow up with Artie.

Dude, can you imagine if we had that number?

That would have been awesome.

Yeah, I would have loved to.

Yeah, Athena's going to flip us.

We really need to see counsel.

We've got Jim Stewart, one of the international finest lawyers.

He's probably a lead counselor.

Oh, my gosh.

And a man of total honor.

UK Ted's on the line.

UK Ted.

Ted, you got any take on this?

You listening to this drama?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Is this normal stuff?

Man, if you had a video phone and took me to that shit,

that would have been hilarious, wouldn't you?

That's not...

Maybe we can get the footage from Wal-Mart.

From Wal-Mart.

You know, it might end up on the news.

Let's see if we can find out, man.

Do we need to...

All right, yeah.

All right, dude, let me...

Tell you what, if you call Wal-Mart and tell them

you dropped a very valuable vase in their parking lot

and send someone else to come and have a look for it...

A secret vase behind the fence.

Somehow it fell back there.

I don't know how.

Well, he said they didn't know, like, right?

I don't think that they know.

Well, I don't know.

Right?

He said that no one knew.

Like, the cops didn't show up or anything.

But, dude, he's in fucking...

Art is...

I'm not joking, dude.

Art is in some fucking shit right now.

Wow.

All right, let's...

He said it was legal, right?

Like a herbal high.

Yeah, you got a point.

It is legal.

It is.

He didn't...

It doesn't matter, man.

And the way they're making this shit out to be the bad guy, man, that's a patient point

to why we need to prosecute this.

I just feel bad.

Artie, come on.

We can prosecute Artie, Milkman.

What's wrong with you?

God damn it.

You can fucking sell someone out in a second.

But didn't he consent to that?

He even said it.

I like that.

Remind me not to call you if I need to get bailed out, Milkman.

Geez.

No, I mean, they can make an example out of it.

I'm not fucking, I'm not autogesting.

I'm just saying, dude, don't make an example out of it.

Yeah, true.

But at the same vein, I'm just mostly concerned with the girl, with the lady, because she has four kids, man, and it's Christmas time.

Exactly, so she's stupid enough to do it.

It's her own fault, right?

You got a point.

Yeah, exactly.

Jin's right.

It is entirely her fault.

It is.

She inhaled something, not knowing what it was, from some creepy guy who sat her in a car in a dark parking lot outside Walmart.

Yeah, exactly.

Who is that stupid?

That is a really good point.

Arnie does have a creepy car.

You guys haven't seen it, but...

You know it's not going to come out.

You can't tell if she was

nearly abducted.

It's his fault.

She's 30.

He pushed it on her, blowing the shit in her face.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy. Okay, guys.

I am willing to go to court as a character

reference on Artie's behalf. I think he's

a gentleman and he wouldn't have done it.

He's a gentleman and a scholar.

He's a gentleman and a scholar and a decent human being.

He is, damn it.

He was Shanghai'd by this

Tentress

Hey IG69

You ever do that K2 man

You're 16 whatever you're 14 or whatever

Yeah nah

No you ever smoke pot

No nothing you drink beers anything

That's good

Good for you man

Don't do it don't smoke the K2

Yeah I didn't touch that shit

K4

Oh boy alright so moving on here

Let's do some more pranks

we got that telemarketer number here

I know, I can't wait, guys remind me

to call them back, we gotta call

back in 30 minutes

Jim was after some elevator

company, I sent one through via

the requester prank, I don't know if it'll work

though, I took it straight off

their website

elevator company for emergencies

alright, well, that's just an elevator

company though, right, it's the oldest company

Jim, if you want to call

yeah, that's fine, it's not what you were after

yeah, it's perfect

Alright, cool. That's it. 24-hour emergency hotline for emergency elevator repair.

Yeah, there's local offices as well if you wanted, like, a Jacksonville, Florida or something like that.

No.

Let's think of a place, like a hotel. What's a famous hotel in America?

Four Seasons, New York. Home Alone 2. It's Christmas.

Motel 6.

Yeah, but do they have Otis Elevators? That's the thing.

Motel 6.

Sheraton.

It's got to be a hotel that's got, like, a place that has an Otis Elevator.

They're all Otis.

the most expensive man

so it's going to be

in a nicer place

yeah Otis are the nice

they're the nice ones

yeah

I know it bleeds

from hotel

but 100% certain

he has Otis

elevators

who does

I'm not fucking

telling you that

that's right

we know

I know

I'm kidding

listen

so we can say

it's the fourth season

let's just try it

and see where it goes

yeah alright

hey real quick

UK Tim

before I forget that

whatever episode it is

where you wanted me

to edit out

the name of your

did you hear it

did I get that right

yes

yeah you did

that was perfect. Alright, I want to make sure

I tried, but it was a little goofy, the

audio. I want to make sure I did.

No, no, it was great. I appreciate that. Good.

I'm sure you would have let me know if not, but...

Oh, actually, before I forget,

I had an idea for a prank, actually.

We kind of did it last week.

What's that? Oh, hang on, Jin's making a call.

No, I'm not.

Oh, no, I was just saying,

you were pranking some restaurant or something,

and you got to the point where, as soon as they

answered, they started swearing.

think if we did that again to some point someplace just calling them constantly so

that they they answer the phone assuming it's a prank and start swearing and then either myself

or jen or someone else could then pretend to be a customer and be incredibly offended that they

were being sworn at for no reason at all because of the shape the accent you know it's like obviously

you know it's like oh this is something else who the hell do you think you're talking to i was

calling up to place order i had that before you know calling up lots of these indian restaurants

and i would call up doing yes hello how are you and then the next time yeah hi this is uh marvin

and uh you just did your fucking mother what did you say why would you say that to me i'm just

calling it's a quick change of voice and they're like oh they're so confused oh yeah like yes well

i thought it happened last week i heard it on the podcast but um yeah i think there's some

potential there well i thought about that for last week but like with arty and me his voice but the

guy didn't the turkish guy that he was he thought we were the same person or something he's like

I remember.

Thank you for calling the Otis

Communications Center. This call may be

monitored or recorded for quality and training

purposes. Please have your building ID number

ready for the next available representative.

Don't worry about that.

Oh, hang on.

I can get a building ID number.

No, don't worry. We'll just take it.

Well, if you can, send it to me.

I can give you mine, but I'll change it slightly.

All right, put it in the chat.

Don't worry about it. I'm not going to use it for this.

Otis Service, Kristen speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi there.

My name is Mr. Stewart.

I recently went to a hotel in New York, and I was using one of the elevators there,

and I would like to talk to somebody about the logic behind the programming.

You see, I am a programmer, and I would like to discuss that with somebody.

Am I in the right place there?

Actually, this is the National Dispatching Center for Otis.

Unfortunately, we don't have that kind of information here.

But if you'd like, I can give you the number for local office for first thing, regular business hours.

No, no, I would like to discuss that with you.

Why could I not discuss that with you?

Because we don't know anything about the programming here in Dispatching.

But can't you learn something about the programming?

Let me teach you something about the programming.

It's a very bad programming, and I would like to be the person that makes that very clear to everybody.

I would like to fix that myself.

I would like to reprogram the elevators.

All right.

I'm sorry you don't like the programming, sir, but let me –

But the logic behind – let me explain to you basically what happens.

When the lift goes up, okay, it should stop, okay?

You know, it should stop on every level, okay, so that people – if there are people waiting, they can go inside the lift and push another button to go to the other floor.

You know, the lift I was inside, I went inside, and it just kept going up and up and up and up and up and up, and it just kept going up.

And, you know, before you knew it, I was at a different floor.

I didn't want to be there.

And all the people that were, you know, in between that potentially could have got out of the lift, they were not there.

You know, they were just, you know, the lift did not stop.

What could I do?

I'm sorry about that, sir.

We'll definitely have to.

You should be sorry.

But do you not think that is a very bad way to program a lift?

That is an elevator.

It's terrible.

I mean, surely it makes sense for the elevator to stop on every single level.

I know, but, sir, some of the levels might have been locked.

Oh, listen to me.

I say the elevator stops on every single level.

You make it happen, okay?

Sir, I can't control the elevator programming from over here.

Why?

I can definitely have somebody from your local office contact you in the morning about that, okay?

This is the number I found on the Internet.

And I believe you have the power to change the way the elevators are programmed

and the logic behind the elevator.

Sir, unfortunately, I don't have that power from where I am right now.

Speak to your manager.

Hold on one moment, please.

Thank you.

Wow.

Yeah, let's see if I can take it any further.

I hope they're not listening now.

I don't think so.

I wish I wasn't at work.

I'd love to be able to yell like that.

I'm going to have to scare off some guests.

Hi, this is Alan with Otis.

How may I help you?

Hi, how are you, Alan?

Ellen, I talked to your colleague there, Kirstie, Christina, Carol, whatever her name was.

She told me that you could help me with the issue I was having with the programming in the elevators.

Okay.

Did you need to program the elevator telephone?

No, no.

The logic behind the elevator program, you understand, you walk into the elevator and you push a button and you get taken to that floor.

but in between you know your journey to the floor uh you know the elevator does not stop

it doesn't stop do you understand there could be people waiting on every single level so the

elevator should stop on every single level okay that is logical that that makes sense to me okay

it does not make sense that i go inside there and i push a button and uh it goes to the right

for what the hell is that okay i need to go in and stop on every single level that's what i want to

do and that's how the elevator should be programmed okay we have no control over the programming

elevator that's what i want you to make control i want you to get control and take control and

make control and fake control that's what i want okay i want the elevator to work wonderful well

you can contact building management and inform them of that they can contact their local otis

office who's your manager asshole i want to speak to your manager i am there's no manager

are available right now. I am the highest level right now.

Well, you're not high enough.

And if you continue to be

abusive on the phone, I will disconnect this call

and block your call. Hey, fuck your ass, buddy!

Fuck your ass! Okay?

Hello.

Dude, you're American.

That was fun. You're American. Angry accent's awesome.

You sound like my old boss.

Did the accent sound alright?

Yeah, it did. It sounded just like a boss

of mine used to have. He used to talk like that.

He was such a dick.

He used to think he knew everything.

Sounds like a David Firth cartoon

So you want it to stop

At every floor no matter what

It's bullshit isn't it

If you imagine you get in an elevator it would take you forever

To get to the floor you want to get to

If you were like in a

70 floor building or something

You push the button for floor 70

Never get done

Holy Christ

I'm looking for that old

Man I wish I could find the old

Telemarketing script

that AMD sent.

I can't find it. Shit.

Because I got the telemarketer place to call,

but I wanted to sell them, but they're selling me.

I can wing it.

Anywho, so, on the line

now, Milkmanjin. Stuart just did

a prank call. Very good one for that thing.

UK Ted and IG69.

Evil Artie's

on his way to his brother's house.

What the hell?

That is brilliant.

Rude boy. We need a what?

Oh, freaking hell.

Yeah, call in some Jamaicans with me.

Lord Claude, me no want no rasta, pussy.

Yeah, Artie got a Jamaican guy last week.

Bacon.

Blood of Jesus, lady.

Please leave your message.

Oops.

That's the last one.

All right.

Evil Artie.

Not answering the phone.

He's still got a card, man.

Like, do it.

Yeah.

This is Officer Wallace.

Officer Gladys.

This is Officer Gladys.

I should tell Athena. Athena's going to want to know about this.

Call her real quick.

You're calling your wife?

Yeah, she's in the living room.

Why would you call her if she's in the living room? You'd just be like...

I don't know. She might be sleeping. I'd rather wake her up this way.

She'll probably want to answer. She never answers the phone.

But she's in your living room. Can't you just walk in there?

Nah. You know what? I'm doing the show, alright?

Oh yeah, this is how Americans get a bit wireless. Sorry.

This is America, alright? We don't walk.

Oh, I noticed.

You noticed, huh? Oh, nice. Very nice.

Alright, well, it's a crisis.

I'm just gonna answer.

Ah, pick up the phone!

That's what I asked for.

I need her to do it.

It's an emergency.

It's a crisis.

I already better answer the phone when I call him again.

Later on, you know?

Can't leave us hanging like that.

We're already getting arrested.

Putin J.

Fucked in the air.

Already gonna get raped.

Alright.

I don't think he'll get in any trouble.

He didn't do anything illegal.

It wasn't an illegal substance.

He called the police.

Oh, right.

You know, they're both within age.

I think he's okay.

Okay, but Milkman's got a point.

That girl could be like, I don't know what he did.

He did something.

He coerced me, blah, blah, blah.

They're not trying to do anything wrong.

If she's got a boyfriend who hears about it or a mom who's watching the kids right now or whatever.

No, no, no.

I mean, what Milkman said, he said he didn't do anything wrong.

I don't agree.

He didn't do anything illegal, but he certainly did something wrong.

Yeah, and he shouldn't be doing that.

I mean, I just don't know.

Well, hey, wait a minute.

minute this stuff does say it's not for human consumption when you buy it but i don't think

it's illegal to do it i think it's just like you can't sue the manufacturer or you can't go back

to the store the head shop and say hey i smoked this and it killed me well that's it i mean you're

not going to sue the maker of a kitchen knife if you stab yourself with it are you because it's

not made yeah because you're buying it for cutting meat you're not buying it to you know stab yourself

it's not a stabbing knife you're not it's like um in the uk we had some herbal legal highs that

That were being marketed.

They were technically bath salts.

But people were sticking them up their nose.

And getting bathed.

They've got those here too.

That's the last thing I do.

I saw those here.

The bath salts.

That's another one here.

That's next on the list.

To get fucking taken off the market.

The bath salts and shit.

Oh boy.

I don't know.

Things people do.

I'm telling you man.

Just don't.

Why don't we just sit at home.

And make prank calls at stupid times.

Just drink.

Drink man.

Drink or get the real stuff.

You know.

God.

Just fuck.

Don't be.

Jesus.

I want to talk

Up until a year ago this time I was doing that

Legal stuff because it was cheap

It was easy to find

I can't believe it's been a year

Exactly a year

I think this week is yeah it was Christmas week last year

That I stopped smoking exactly a year

You were smoking last week

Did I say exactly a year

A week ago last year

I mean like a cigarette

You smoked a cigarette

I'm talking about marijuana

Oh that stuff

smoking drugs

who's this

N800 number

where does this come from

Otis number

thank you for calling

the Otis communication center

yeah there we go

you take it

I sent you a number

on the

Mr. Stone

he's Mr. Stone

what's Mr. Stone

somebody we called

a long time ago

but it's not the same

Mr. Stone

but it's just somebody

in the UK

so I thought I might

piss him off at 5 o'clock

in the morning

is this the Nunu one

Nunu sent me a Mr. Stone

here

Michael Stone

yeah yeah yeah

that's the one

okay

I don't remember Mr. Stone

You remember 7 Glacier Drive

And I called a taxi

And sent the taxi there

Oh yeah that I remember

I didn't order a taxi

I do remember that

Here we go

Welcome to the Sky voicemail of

0178239

You knew it says it's the same Mr. Stone

It's not the same Mr. Stone

No way

Can you hear me

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Why are we talking like this?

Because his parents are up.

Because his parents are asleep.

Oh, sorry.

I get it right.

IG69, you don't have school this week, do you?

I have school tomorrow, and then I have off for like 10 days.

You suck.

Anyway, what's up?

What are you getting for Christmas?

What's Santa bringing you?

I think Santa's going to bring me like a Ferrari 308.

Nice.

A semi-automatic assault rifle.

Seriously, what did you ask for?

Battlefield 3?

What are you getting?

I already got Battlefield.

I'm asking for a...

Not be grounded anymore.

I forgot.

You forgot.

You got PlayStation or what do you play on?

Yeah.

Dude, what's up?

You should get it with me.

I'm playing that shit.

You have Battlefield 3 also?

Yeah, on PS3.

Yeah, I do, man.

What's your PSN?

Carlitos X.

Carlitos, you know, Carlito, but it's U.S. at the end instead of O.

And then a hyphen, a dash, and then the letter X.

That's me.

Yeah, we should get a clan going because AMD is on there.

I don't know if he plays Battlefield 3

but I think he's playing Battlefield 3

you could add me

mine is Richie0213

Richie0213

I'll try to remember that

but add me

is this on Playstation 3?

yeah

PSN, anybody who's on PSN Network

add me, Carlitos-X

we should start gaming

that'd be cool to have a gaming night

we should broadcast it as well

I have been playing Skyrim

rim this week though it's been fun having a good time with skyrim although i know it's gonna start

fucking up pretty soon because of the whole problem with the ps3 on it after a long time

anyway yeah my friend is obsessed with skyrim he like he cut school to play that yeah there you go

milkman get a playstation 3 man i'm gonna play i'm thinking i'm probably gonna get a playstation

3 once i finish my thesis feast what's this big thesis yours keep talking about it yeah i keep

keep talking about it but i don't do any of it i probably should it's juicy oh milkman you got a

customer what's going on over here oh man oh dude i'm just here hanging man get a playstation 3 man

come on we're gonna have a big game i asked santa for one man i think he might bring me one

i'm gonna try and get him a return to lump of coal though yay cool we'll play

awesome bag of switches wish someone would send me a lump of coal it's fucking cold here

Yeah, where are you?

Where are you?

Yeah, I'm in South Coast, Brighton.

Okay, nice.

Where are you?

Buckinghamshire.

Oh, you guys are neighbours.

Pretty much, yeah.

I don't know.

The fuck do I know?

I think we're in the same wife-swapping club.

Ooh, jogging?

I heard about that.

Sounds fun.

Sounds fun, but keep your hands off my wife.

Okay, listen, let's go.

Let's continue here.

Extensions.

Oh, we got a hotel and a casino.

I mean a hotel and a casino.

Curaz, is this an elevator?

I think we have an elevator in a casino

In Las Vegas, that'd be good

So explain this

You're calling an elevator

Yeah, these elevators, they put phones in them

In case there's an emergency, you can call out

And also, they receive calls also

That's amazing

Yeah, that's really cool

See, there was one, it doesn't work anymore

But I had one, it was in a university library

You could call it, I used to call it during the day

And one time I called

and it rang and the lady's like i'm sorry i hit the button an accident and i said no no no i'm

calling about a gas leak she's like really like yeah it was a gas leak in the elevator someone

farted it's like very funny and then someone's like i'm with campus security who's doing this

and i hung up i got scared it was like back in the 90s i remember i think it might be better if

you could call in and it had a speakerphone because then you could do some you know announcement you'd

It does.

It's a speakerphone.

Warning.

The lift is about to crash.

No, it is a speakerphone.

It is.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, it is.

If it goes any slower than five floors an hour, it will explode.

Oh, my God.

It's like speed.

Doesn't that count as a...

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel and Casino.

Yeah.

If you know the department extension you are calling, press the extension now.

I'm guessing this is an elevator.

30 p.m.

For tickets to Riviera Box Office today.

Sounds like a funky elevator.

All right.

And we're back.

Sorry about that, everybody.

Lost power here.

We are very disappointed.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Lost it for about half a second, but it was long enough to kill the main computer.

It was an attack by North Korea because we called them earlier,

and they unleashed the power of an electromagnetic gun.

Yes, and now they're completely without power for the foreseeable future.

Until 2012, they're out of power until the end of 2012.

There you go.

All right, so thanks, everyone, for being patient.

Sorry about that.

We didn't lose one listener.

That's good.

Really?

Yeah, all the fail-safes picked up.

That's good, I think.

Well, how did it work on your end?

Did the call drop, the conference call drop?

Yeah, it kind of said, yeah, there's been a problem with the call.

We're trying to fix it, and that was it.

And then I lost it.

I just disconnected.

Yeah, I'm curious what happened to chatters.

What did you hear exactly?

The video went out, audio went out.

Was there silence?

What happened?

I'm curious.

Oh, the video.

Oh, that's right.

We've got to get the video back up.

Shit.

Alright video feed should be back up

If I take off the big card

Out of the way

The video is freezing up

Yeah see back in the day

Before I moved to Pennsylvania

I had one of those UPS things

Always connected to this main computer

So and that happened on

Two occasions where the power went out

And the show didn't stay on because I had the modem

The router and the tower

Connected and one monitor only

So it would just blip out

it gave me about 15 minutes of power

where I could, you know, wait for power to come back

hopefully. But, not the case

in this instance because I don't

have that anymore. I threw it out.

It was way too heavy to move up here.

And I said to myself, well, I mean, when does it

really happen? And sure enough

it really is. I'm moving again. Alright.

Big Ken's calling in. Milkman, I just talked

to him. He was wrapping up a phone call with his

mom and he was going to be back on.

Thank you all your chatters, everyone listening,

all your watchers, viewers, etc.

Well, the good thing is we're going to have to take a break now.

I took it.

What's going on?

Are the feds getting ready to raid your house looking for Hardy?

Or what's the deal?

Nah, just lost power.

Everything's all right.

Got it figured out.

Hey, IG.

Yeah, the problem with me, see, what you got to understand is

what I do the show on, I've got a laptop that handles Skype and my chat room.

That's on my left.

And on the right is the big main server.

And when I say it's a server, it is an actual server.

So if that bitch gets restarted, that's some little bitch.

What's it running, operating system?

It's old.

Well, I've got Windows Server 2008 running on it.

So it's an actual server.

I mean, it does the DHCP here in the house.

It's, you know, all the files come off of that.

It's a media server.

But for that thing to restart, it takes about 15 minutes

because it has so many services that it restarts.

Wouldn't it be easier to run it with some Linux distribution?

I don't have time for that.

because i do other stuff like i've got a i've got to see what happens that server starts up and

it's got like it loads all the shit like i have a personal shoutcast server a private one so that

i can um i can stream uh music inside the house well you must have a really fast connection that

way well yeah well no the shoutcast server it's it's only for the inside it's on the land only

so like that starts up the shoutcast starts up and it connects automatically winamp connects to

and all this shit.

And then I have a PlayStation 3 media server

so I can watch all my downloaded

torrent movies and all my music

and the Sirius satellite radio server

starts up and all this.

So I've got to let that all go.

I've got to just leave the computer alone for five minutes.

And when that all starts up, then I've got to shut all those things down.

This is what I go through before the show every day,

every week when I do the show.

It takes me a good 30 minutes to set everything up.

I only had to do half of it because the laptop

stayed up because it has the battery.

But anyway.

Maven?

What?

Maven's back.

So it wasn't the North Koreans, then?

No.

Not that I know of.

It could have been.

I don't know.

Let's see if Milkman's done talking to his mom.

He was having a conversation with his mammy.

Do we have everybody back?

We're missing one person.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being read.

IG, Cam.

Do you think the Iranians will get upset?

Artie's done.

Hello?

Hey, are you done or we're back on?

We just got back on.

Oh.

You go to your cell.

All right.

We're back.

All right, good.

We're back.

All right.

Here we are.

Evil Artie.

I want to call Evil Artie.

You can call him back from now on.

Yeah, find out if he's at his safe house, if he's all right, under police protection.

I'm not kidding you.

His brother's going to be really pissed off at him.

He's probably getting lectured by his brother.

His brother probably won't even...

Watch his brother answer the phone and yell at me.

His brother's going to fill a pillowcase full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of him.

Yeah, he's going to private file him.

Come on, Artie.

Yo.

Artie.

Oh, I'm talking to my...

Not good.

What happened?

Well, I'm freaking out.

Well, what happened?

She said that the cops came for questioning.

Oh.

That's right, man.

And that she gave them my name.

Oh.

Are the police that fucking bored?

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Seriously, they have better things to do than chase down legal highs.

Well, no, because the hospital staff probably said she's got a drug thing,

and they call the cops every time, man.

Yeah, but if you brought it over the counter, then you brought it in good faith.

Yeah, they don't know that.

Yeah, that, and so quickly, for the police to react so quickly, I mean, that's, she's probably bullshitting, man, I don't think, I don't think, yeah.

Artie, you have nothing to worry about, mate.

Artie, let me hang out real quick, not, without giving it out so people call, is she at the hospital by the river?

Yeah.

Okay, okay, that's it.

Why do you ask?

Just curious, that's why I figured they'd send her to the ghetto hospital, okay.

You should have just said the obvious ones.

Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, so what happened?

Yeah, I could have just said the obvious one.

So, all right.

Well, then she texted me saying, where are you?

And I bet she's fine.

If she's texting me, she's fine, right?

Well, you don't know it's her?

It could be...

Well, she's saying, because I told her I had to go see my brother's roommate or something.

She's like, well, I'm in the hospital.

Yeah, that's kind of fucked up.

If she's feeling hurt because of that, she's going to be fine, right?

I don't know.

If it's really her, it could be a cop saying that to get you down there.

Yeah, true.

All right, so she told you, what, she's fine then, or what's going on?

She doesn't know.

All right.

Cops questioned her.

She gave you up.

She's saying like a bird.

So if the cops come to my house, I should ignore them, right?

What do you mean ignore them?

Well, like stay in the back room.

No, you should probably open the door if they don't let them inside your house.

But if they go there to question you, don't just not question them.

You're going to look guilty, man.

Yeah, tell them you want to talk to your attorney, Jen Stewart, and he'll handle everything.

Yeah.

We'll take care of it.

It'll be cool.

Cool. So that's it so far. You know, she's breathing still, apparently.

Don't worry about it. Who was saying I have nothing to worry about, Jen?

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

It's going to be all right, Ari. Don't worry. You're going to be fine.

Yeah, I just did something stupid. Fuck this, you know?

Yeah, you know, Jen from Valentin Associates will handle your case.

Yeah, we got your back, man. That's what I told you. You should have let us talk to her first.

You got to get involved. So who was texting you before? Her friend or what?

what? I don't know. That was from another

number. Then it was texting me from her phone.

Artie, give me the number. I'll

look it up. I'll tell you exactly who it is.

Yeah. You want me to text it to

Carlito? Yeah, text it to me. Yeah, if he puts it

in a chat in Skype, I can look it up and tell you who it is.

Yeah, yeah, we'll look it up. Don't fuck with me,

dude. No, we're not fucking. We're being

serious. I'm telling you straight up. I got a number. I can

look it up and see who it is. Yeah.

Alright. We'll give it to Lonesome. Lonesome's your friend.

Lonesome's gonna help you out. Alright, he's texting it now.

Alright, Artie, can you stay on or is your brother pissed off

of you talking to shit.

My brother doesn't know.

Oh, you didn't go over?

I was at home.

You didn't go?

Oh, he's not at home.

All right, well,

let's continue with the show.

Artie, you didn't know

but the power went out here,

so actually right after

we stopped talking to you,

the power just about,

well, not really that long,

but the power went out and shit.

All right, I've got to go off

for a second just to get

this number and type it in.

All right, cool.

Sounds good.

All right.

All right, one sec.

Well, there you go.

Things aren't that bad then,

right, guys?

We're cool?

Now the rumors are starting

in the chat room.

Evil already has sexual relations with a cat

Apparently they're saying in the chat room

He's not even around

I wouldn't put that above him

Alright so regrouping here

I got all the numbers back in front of me

Do we have any numbers for individuals?

Let me check

I'm sure Lonesome has sent those

Somebody we can wake up

You got a text machine Carlito?

Yeah I did

Let's see how my voicemails talk

Yeah I got the number

Let me send it to Ken here

Ken, you ready?

Yeah, go for it.

I have the landline number for my old house in Brighton if you want to call someone.

Your old house?

Yeah, I'll test it first to see if it works.

Do you know who's living there?

No, no, just a bunch of students.

Ken, don't mess already up with that.

I'll be serious.

No, I'm good.

I'm going to look it up right now.

Okay, yes, we do have numbers in England.

Excuse me, Wendy Neville.

Oh, Carlito, I forgot.

I guess I was expected to go to the hospital.

I wouldn't go.

Well, no, that's what she said, that I was expected.

Well, I have an excuse.

My car wouldn't start at first.

You could have gone to the ambulance, but I wouldn't go.

I don't know.

No, they told me to follow.

I asked if I should get in the ambulance, and they told me to follow.

All right.

And my car wouldn't start.

What the fuck am I supposed to do, right?

They probably were wondering, yeah.

But, dude, that would have been really bad.

Was that your sending back?

Sending back.

All right, info coming back.

Great, IG-69 got that.

IG-69, don't be cool, all right, man?

I know, I know.

You're weird with those numbers, man.

All

right

so uh uk you asked for uh jen should we call yeah all right cool let's move on here wendy

neville wendy who wendy neville neville let me post her data here for y'all to see i would like

to call blood of jesus lady and let her know that we're um she's a contender for prank victim of

of the year do you still have the number for that woman um hates crackers hates crackers actually

oh kiss my pussy yeah uh what's the name debbie mansfield debbie mansfield that's the one i think

we do didn't you don't you have an ig69 i gave it to you i thought right no i didn't i don't think

you gave it to me you said you were gonna i didn't know how you're gonna send it yeah i got it yeah

i'm sure if that she was texting she has to be fine right you don't know that she's the one that's

texting you dude that's what i'm telling you yeah you know anything uh check chat there carlito

that's the name of the person that uh is using that number let's see does the last name start

with an r no is it a man's name nah i don't even know that's a weird name i'm gonna see

yo they sound like a russian spy it does dude i don't know what that's about let's give her a

call no i think that's a polish name yeah i was gonna say i think that's polish would be a cop

Nah.

Someone texted you with their own number.

Yeah, that's true.

It looks like around the Florida area.

Oh, that's not good, then.

Does that girl live with a man, or where?

We shouldn't be talking.

I know, we're already in trouble.

Tabachi's on the line, though.

Tabachi gets...

Wait a minute, I'm meeting you real quick.

All right.

It's Tabachi.

All right, anyway, we're calling the UK.

Wendy Navelle.

You got that number?

You saw it there, Jen, before I call it?

The info?

What was that about?

Everything dropped, huh?

Ah, it's you and your fucking connection.

Oh, no.

Now I'm having trouble with the internet.

Lost everybody.

No, I'm still here.

I got you guys back.

You started ringing back in.

Ken, you're back.

Yeah, I'm back.

I lost Artie and Milkman.

Well, technical difficulties.

Beautiful.

I'm a mess.

Reconnect Milkman here.

It was kind of cool, the thing.

I just looked up the phone number from.

I found on Phone Losers there some telephone number identification thing.

That's kind of cool.

Is that on the Phone Losers website?

Yeah, I found it on there at some point.

I don't remember where it was, but you could just type in a number.

It will show you the caller ID, name, whereabouts, where they may be at,

and stuff like that.

No, man, you're back.

Lost everybody again.

Would that work internationally?

No, man.

No clue, actually.

Never tried it.

I'm going to have to give it a try.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

I'll put the website in the chat.

Yeah, yeah, please.

Oh, yeah.

What happened, Artie?

Oh, okay.

Okay.

That's up.

Oh, you did a Facebook thing.

Okay, let me call you back.

Are you got to go again, or do you want me to call you back?

No, I'm good.

I'm good.

Alright, I'll call you back.

Alright, now we gotta start moving on to some prank calls.

We're slacking here, guys.

It's fun to have this drama

and all this shit, but...

Alright, so...

Everyone's here? We're good?

Alright, let's go.

Alright, Jen, you ready?

That's exactly who I thought it was.

Who else do you think she called?

Wendy Neville. Ready? Good.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Who's Wendy?

I have no idea.

It's a Smig's hamburger.

After the big A.W.

the hot and juicy

hello Wendy

get that hot and

juicy ass baby

did she pick up

or what

yeah she did

it didn't sound

a word

oh sorry

yeah I kind of

I heard it stop

ringing but

didn't say anything

yeah she didn't

say anything

she took forever

to hang up

alright we'll do

Rachel Garth

instead

she in the UK

yep

I'll be doing

UK calls right now

I haven't been

listening for a few

minutes

can you send me

the details

yep

I'm kind of afraid

to go home right now

I got it

you gotta go home

man what are you gonna do aren't you i thought you were home no i'm at my brother's oh your

brother's backyard yeah and he's not even there nah well he's with them oh okay cool i'll just

stay there man nah i'm not sure if i want to tell my brother then just stay there just tell your

brother you're hanging out there what's the big deal you don't have to tell him well i can't

spend the night we'll go home later wait till their school off hello yeah morning mr garth

Hello? Yeah, morning, mate.

Morning. Sorry, did I wake you, mate?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was wondering if you could give me a lift

a bit later this morning. Is that

going to be possible? Hello?

Hello?

Alright. That was rude.

You know, that was quite rude.

Even if somebody said that to you, I'd be like,

yeah, you know.

I'm going to hang up now.

Put a little Brooklyn accent on it and ask him what the big fucking deal is.

Let's get some info on you.

Call him back.

At least ask, like, who are you?

Do I know you?

Are you Artie?

You want to call up the hospital?

Shut up.

Hello?

Yeah, I don't think so.

He's there.

I already had to ruin it.

There's a lot of Artie.

No one cares about your story anymore.

Thanks, Artie.

Yo, call Daddy, man.

I was thinking we should call someone like that,

but each of us, one at a time, call him.

Yeah.

Yeah, and everybody takes it instead.

Round Robin.

There you go.

That would accuse the shit out of somebody.

Yeah, but you guys are like,

Is this the same guy?

No, let me do this one real quick.

Hello?

Rachel.

Yes, I'm calling in with the holiday phone administration.

You were purchased for you.

Someone purchased a Christmas carol over the phone.

So good morning, first of all.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

And are you ready for your song?

Why?

You phoned me the night.

We miss you.

Merry Christmas.

And fucking New Year.

And you kiss my...

No, shut up.

I had this Christmas carol over the phone. That's something we could all sing together. Yeah, there we go. Yeah

Yeah, well we could change the name words to be like dirty

What song are we doing? Jingle Balls. How about Deck the Halls? I got Bing Crosby, Deck the Halls here

Okay, do it quickly because I don't want to be sat in the office singing Christmas carols when our hotel guests come to the house

Let me queue it up. Especially with your lyrics

Deck the halls.

There we go.

All right, cool.

Deck the halls.

All right, you ready?

Deck the halls.

Think we can do this one?

I think so.

All right, we will call Gordon Bloor.

Gordon Bloor.

And this is great.

I like this idea.

And what I'll do is I'll do a countdown.

One, two, three, and we'll go.

All right, everybody?

I'm bored.

Oh, yeah.

Can I play guitar in the background?

Sure.

No.

Can I sing it from Larry?

Yes.

Hello.

You're not the guy right now.

You can leave a message.

Leave us a Christmas Carol message

No

Let's call Rachel back

Rachel, the first one we called

Well, the last one I called

She answered once

She's fit as fuck

Rachel's a nice one

Rachel, we have a Christmas Carol

And a one and a two

Don't do that.

Come on.

Merry Christmas.

What I really want to do is take some anal beads, put them in your girlfriend's ass,

and then jump start her like a fucking chainsaw.

Be fantastical.

Hello, sir.

Are you still there, Dipshit?

Can we speak to Rachel?

I'm going to call the constable.

Can we talk to Rachel?

The constable is going to beat me with a stick.

Can we talk to Rachel yet?

Hey, tell Rachel I left my condom over there and I want them back.

He's still there

He's just sitting there

I bet this sick bastard

Is jerking off to my voice

You guys are the worst singers

I'm calling back

I think we should all

Sing the same song

A very merry Christmas

I'm finally home

And a happy screw year

Welcome to voicemail

The person you must reach

Carlito I have a plan

To call Debbie Mansfield

Yeah but I don't have

The number on me

I don't know where it is

I'm not that happy

Welcome to voicemail

The guy you currently called

Is beating the shit

Out of his girlfriend

friend hang on okay carlito yes i know you don't want to hear any more about this but i just thought

of a new detail okay that kind of makes you think okay she was telling me you'd never even known

that you could get any legal stuff at this head shop you know okay we were talking and she's like

you know they're open till midnight what the head shop they're open till midnight and she knew that

Yeah, but she didn't know anything else about it.

It seems funny, doesn't it?

You've been played, boy.

You cracked the case.

All right, we're with Debbie Mansfield.

Who had an idea for the IG-69?

Me.

I do.

Now you're going to get a call.

You owe me for a hospital bill, buddy, or I'm going to turn your ass in.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

All right.

Probably to remember, you guys, Google voice it.

Are you guys?

Oh, yeah, I got to Google voice it.

You're right.

All right, so what's going on again?

I'm sorry, Debbie Mansfield.

What do you want to do, sir?

I'm her student, and she locked me in the cigarette compartment under the bus, and I'm calling from there

And she needs to come and let me out before winter break.

Alright, cool.

You gotta speak up, boy.

Yeah, and don't laugh, you know.

God.

Alright, bye.

Shut up, bye.

See ya.

Alright, bye.

See ya.

See ya in hell.

Hey, what kind of cigarettes do you smoke, man?

One's that are bad for you.

Pomo.

Gonna make sure we know what kind of cigarettes you smoke so we can get it for him to calm

us, sir.

They all do the same thing, don't they?

Like Golden Virginia

It's not ringing

Come on, Debbie

Nope

Our friend Debbie ain't playing

And we've left her alone for long enough

You'd think maybe by now she'd

I got a pretty good idea there, Carlito

What we need to do following up with that Christmas caroling

Is call some people up

And tell them they signed up for some like

Adult XXX Christmas carols

And by answering the phone

They're going to incur a charge of like

$5.95 a minute or some shit like that

For us to sing to them

It's already been billed

You might as well take it

You've already paid

You paid for it

Oh shit the elevator

Is it

Listen when the power went out

Remember we had that question

Was that an elevator in the casino

And yes it was I heard the doors opening

And then the power went out

I was in the middle of saying it is an elevator

I was all excited

Dude you lost electric too for a second

Yeah did you lose it

Fuck yeah

That's what happened to me I lost electric

trick and fucking uh it was like five seconds yeah yeah you two near each other or something

i uh i actually listened to a radio show around this area and they used to love calling those

elevator phones that just mess with people yeah pretended they were from uh the service people

in the building like welcome to the riviera hotel and casino if you know the department

extension good grief shut up also features the carving station carving station is good

Hello, elevator

Elevator passengers, hello

Hello, attention

If there's anybody in this elevator

You've just won a prize

Please respond

This is the Riviera Hotel and Casino

Please keep your hands to yourself

We don't want any more losses

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel

To ensure customer service

Do you think anybody's actually in the lift?

No.

It's just going down the floor.

What the hell is that?

It's beeping.

The elevator's going up and down.

What the fuck?

Why would you want to get on an elevator that does that?

I would kill myself.

How many floors does that have?

Holy crap.

I don't know.

Is it ATM or something, maybe?

Shout one.

See if you can hear an echo.

Hey, I hear an echo.

Oh, we lost it.

Well, pound disconnects it.

I guess.

All right.

Oh, jeez.

All right, let me try.

I got four elevator extensions here, so we got plenty to work with.

Well, what, you guys.

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel and Casino.

If you know the department extension.

Just relax, first of all, and then if no one's answering, wait until you hear the door open.

You'll go.

Then you go, oh, someone either got in or got out.

Your tickets to the Riviera Hotel and Casino today.

Say you're an elevator technician.

Attention, elevator rider.

Hello.

Respond.

Nobody's there.

We'll keep it going in the background.

When you hear a star beeping, we know it's going to somebody, okay, guys?

All right.

Anybody there?

Hello, hello?

All right, super incovalent on that.

Madhouse streaming into the elevator.

Fuck yeah, I'd love to step into one of those.

Oh, what's that?

Hello?

Nothing.

Oh, there's a gas leak.

All right, we'll call the UK.

Why don't you call the front desk there and get them to get in the elevator?

Yeah, get in the elevator.

Test it out.

Yeah, come on.

The fart detector is going off.

You can tell them.

You can make a complaint that somebody's cranked the animator.

It's like you're stuck in the elevator.

sick we're the entertainment i should say that like the joker and the dark knight we are tonight's

entertainment i just have one question where's harvey i saw the trailer for the new batman movie

it was like shit yes hi david bett david beat how you doing barry merry christmas we're calling

with a christmas carol for you it's been purchased for you free of charge are you ready and it's

Christmas, you horse's ass. And a one, and a

two, and a three.

And we miss you.

I'm gonna fucking

strangle you.

Wait a minute, the elevator.

Elevator!

Oh, it said something. It said to

word being disconnected hit something now.

It said, yeah.

Was that the hotel?

Riviera Hotel.

What you need to do with the elevator is ask them why they pushed a button.

They'll be like, oh, I didn't push it.

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel and Casino.

If you know the department extension you are calling, press the extension now.

We can say racist jokes.

Racist jokes.

Elevator joke administration.

If you can get through to someone in the elevator, tell them to press the stop button.

Hit the alarm.

Let's do that first.

You need a fireman's key for that.

Attention.

Is there anybody in this elevator?

Speak.

Anybody here?

In the lobby.

Speak up.

Hello.

Who's in the elevator?

I hear somebody.

Elevator.

Please.

I hear you breathing.

We'll do a prank call in the meantime.

Let's go back for a minute.

Call the front desk, man.

Yeah, send them to the elevator to say that they're in the elevator.

Yeah, I want to get them to the elevator.

I'm stuck in the elevator.

I need to get out.

It's like the second or third floor.

Yeah, but I don't know which elevator it is.

Honestly, that is...

That's fine.

You just tell them you're stuck in the elevator.

You don't have to prove which one.

You're completely disoriented.

Get them to go to all the elevators.

I can't get up.

Anyone in here?

That's the most common prank call

a hotel front desk ever gets.

Exactly, yeah.

So why don't you just call them

and tell them that

somebody is going on the intercom

in the lift

and they're pranking them.

Then they'll come in and investigate

and then you can start fucking with them.

Brilliant.

Is anyone in the elevator now?

I think there's someone there.

Elevator.

Don't forget that most of these places

have got several elevators

so they'll have to find it.

That's what I'm saying.

The casino's probably got like

50 freaking elevators in it, you know?

Or lifts, as Jen Stewart says.

Lifts.

I'm such a prat.

I hear footsteps.

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel and Casino.

Let's try this one.

That's the sound they hear in there.

Unless it notes Reagan.

...for dinner from 5 to 10 p.m.

For reservations, call 702-794-9233.

Hey, answer Tom.

It's inappropriate to be fucking with security.

Attention!

Elevator! What was in here?

Yeah, this one's empty. Fuck.

Carlito, can you hear me?

No.

Is there anybody in there?

Sir, we have a report

that somebody pressed the emergency button.

Who is that?

Well, it's all part of it, man.

It's Tucker Mike. Mike Tucker!

The fuck you want, Mike Tucker?

Mmm. Go and beat me up.

Is that what it is?

Violence.

Silence.

How are you getting through without ringing?

I don't get it.

Who's ringing?

How'd you get on?

No answer to Macedonia Greek cuisine.

This is Madhouse Radio, pre-December, oh, pre-Christmas show.

We're live in the elevator at the hotel and casino.

Anyone in the elevator now, goddammit?

I'm pre-Christmasing.

Pre-Christmasing.

We know somebody in there pressed the button.

I'm up to it.

I hear something.

Is that an echo?

Oh, that's an echo.

Yeah, that's the echo.

And we sound pretty good in the elevator.

I think that might be a dead end there.

The whole elevator falls.

You breathe.

Are you jerking off in the elevator?

I'm going to call that.

The first elevator seems to be pretty happening.

Let's try that one.

It must be in a major area.

The thing is, it's the holidays.

You're probably not going to get a lot of people in the elevator much like at a casino.

It'll be a home problem.

Welcome to the Riviera Hotel and Casino.

If you know the department extension you are calling, press the extension now.

Now, for complete and detailed information about the Riviera Hotel and Casino, please visit us at Riviera Hotel.

No, man.

It's busy.

What are you talking about?

No, man.

P.P.M.

For tickets, buy the Riviera box office today.

A New Year's Eve would be a good time.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

We hang on to these.

There's Karras.

Karras sent these in.

Happy New Year's Eve.

I'm not going to be around New Year's, man.

I've got to do something.

Perhaps go to the orgy.

You're doing a show next week?

Add him.

him next we'll get check out my thick leaf hello elevator rider is anyone there jeez attention

hello oh that's our echo jesus christ god fuck that is our actor yeah see that's what's doing

it oh this whole time wasn't even ringing or nothing oh my dick feels like somebody get the

fuck there's no one there guys well wait well wait wait wait for the doors to open i can't do

this one man this is too annoying yeah i was gonna say what's going anywhere let's go charlie

tonight let me call charlie already yeah well we're gonna do a christmas carol for him or

oh by the way i've been listening yeah only that would only happen to arty of course that

would happen christ that's annoying god hang on this is killing me hang up i can't figure out

i know there's so many people in here anyway we're saying you you don't know what happened

to Artie? No, it's only

that, only Artie

this would happen to. Yeah, I know.

Well, you know,

that's the sort of luck or

karma or whatever you want to call it he has.

Negative energy,

I don't know. Negative.

What you need to tell Artie is

sometimes you gotta take your thumb out of her ass

and just cut your losses.

Just don't

smoke that fucking nasty shit.

Yeah, man.

Is this that fake

fake pot shit? Is that what it is?

Yeah, the K2 stuff.

You wouldn't know. You're Mr. Hi Buddies.

Oh, I'm asking. Hello?

Hey, Charlie. Yes. Merry Christmas.

How are you? Oh, I'm fine. How are you?

Merry Christmas. I'm good. I'm good.

Everybody, we're going to sing Deck the Halls.

One, two, three.

Deck the Halls.

I'm going to strangle you.

Take a shit in the toilet, you

fucking stupid.

Charlie, my dick feels like corn.

Do you have any extra butter?

Charlie.

Stick it in my hole with the razor and you'll get a hamburger.

Charlie.

Here you go.

Charlie.

Scott, your wife has an ex-boyfriend.

Is anybody in there?

Put it in your mouth.

I think so.

He's getting ready to.

Hang up and call back.

Anyone at home?

I think that the cheer him up

is making a good point. He seemed pretty happy.

I was like, oh, hey, how you doing?

Yeah, mind if I say hi?

Yeah, I think only one at a time

because it's just too much.

Ask for a big seat.

It's going to be better, yeah.

Skype has a delay in people, so no one's

in sync.

It's like a clusterfuck when people

try to sing together.

I think it was a point anyway, but

but nonetheless.

Please leave your message.

It was a better idea on paper, I think.

But it was still,

I think he heard it.

He made his day.

Oh, yeah.

You're a charlatan.

Anyway, guys,

as usual,

it's been fun.

I'll hopefully,

if I don't see you guys,

have a great Christmas.

It's been a fun night.

Bye, Jim Stewart.

Thanks, Ted, man.

See you, Jim.

Yeah.

Take care.

I've got to get back to work.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

See you, Ted.

It's not work.

Christmas is no system.

Has it been, Jim Stewart?

Jim Stewart, man.

Thank you so much.

That wasn't me.

Hey, Milkman, he's going to give me an exit, and I'm still here, man.

What the fuck?

I'm not going anywhere.

You stupid Milkman.

You fell for it, Milkman.

Hey, Ted, this one's for you.

He's kicking me off the show.

I haven't talked to you forever, Jen, but bye anyway.

See ya.

Waving, waving, waving.

Milkman's like, all right, man, yeah, dead soon.

Oh, Tuck is on, man.

Hi, Tuck.

How you doing?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, man, I haven't talked to you in a long time.

How's it going?

Oh, God.

Milkman, you cracked me up.

That was too funny.

All right.

Hey, man.

Hey,

Carlito.

I'm going to throw an open book number in here for you.

All right.

So we all did this.

All right.

Guys.

Conversation.

I didn't even notice.

All right.

All right, so we have our Lonesome Loser numbers here.

He's probably confirming away right now.

In the meantime, we've got more numbers from the Request a Prank, though, a lot of them, actually, as a matter of fact,

including people who need to get their pictures picked up from Walmart.

Let's give them a call.

Nice.

I just upgraded my gadget.

I wish I had one on eBay that I could get from my son.

It was taking two fucking weeks to get it to me.

I wish you could talk to his dad.

You're taking two what?

He borrowed your car?

No, I ordered something on eBay for my son for Christmas.

this uh ordered it on the 12th it's taking like almost two fucking weeks here by the time it's

gonna get here i'm done with um it's how it works i'm done with ebay no more no thanks yeah i'm

with you on that yeah fucking way too many uh fucking uh broken things came through and fucking

all that no way it's ridiculous man i paid for it on the 12th you didn't ship it to like the

fucking 20th i'm like are you kidding me i want to deal with it if i gotta buy it i'll just i'll

We'll just get the shit on Amazon now.

You buy from Amazon stores.

Are you getting any calls from the company?

Huh?

What's that?

Oh, man.

All right, Milkman.

Have fun with that.

All right, we are calling Autumn Davis.

She left her pictures there November 1st.

You're doing this, right?

Yeah, I'll take this first one.

If you guys don't mind, I have an idea.

I've got a whole bunch of them, though, so we can all take turns.

Cool.

Testicle.

it is fantastic it's magic it's christmas welcome to verizon wireless wireless customer you called

is not available at this time please try all right terry daniel's all trying to study don't

call my number ever again shut up this is terry hello yes who is this uh this is cross valente

i'm calling from walmart photo center photo lab hello yeah you have uh yeah you have pictures

here that you dropped off on november 1st and you're in collections right now when are you

you planning on coming here to you know what you know what every time i first of all you know what

every time i call this number it's to a weird number so don't call here you have to you're

if this is the number for walmart then why would i call it back do you not answer excuse me sir

you need to calm down first of all and take it easy telling me to shut up excuse me sir don't

be calling me at this time in the night and telling me that i am going to report your number

and right now, you are being traced.

Oh, yeah, since you called back

and you can't even get through to us

here at the Walmart switchboard.

You're so stupid, you don't even know how to use a phone.

Do you need me to give you the number,

the main number of the store, stupid?

This is how we treat people that don't pay their bills

and don't pick up their pictures.

You understand?

Hello, sir?

She told you, man.

That was a good reaction.

She asked me to call back.

Yeah.

RBCB's been saying that.

Is this someone someone's been fucking with?

Uh, I guess, uh, RBCP's already, I think RBCP's already called her.

Oh, well, there you are.

Yeah.

Okay.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice.

Jesus, man, I didn't even get a chance to split anything.

Like, don't fucking call my number.

Mm, something's already gone.

Shonda came across the line.

Tainted, tainted call.

Miss, we're Walmart, we can do whatever the fuck we want.

Yeah, we can do whatever we want.

Tainted call.

All right, anybody want to try one?

I've got, uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this is a black person.

Shonda Anagreen.

Oh, boy.

Oh, who's going to take it, then?

You can take it.

You are.

I'll take it.

I don't give a shit.

Oh, let me do it.

Come on.

You let Jen do it.

All right, go for it.

Let Jen do it.

Shonda and a green, all right?

Put the details in the thing.

Yeah, let me put...

First of all, I'm going to put the store details here in the thing, as Jen calls it.

Come on.

Paste.

I want to make it ridiculous, you know?

Well, the first thing is to come across the tower that her photos didn't come out very good

because her kids were jumping around like a bunch of apes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that would be a bit extreme, I don't know.

I don't think my friends would lie to her if I said that.

Oh, you have black people there?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

They have only three.

That's cool.

They got three.

Scary spies.

Who else?

Downtown Julie Brown.

Whatever happened to her?

They need to call some gas stations and get the cashier on the line.

It has to be transferred to the other cashier.

Right.

Alright, so, alright, yeah, funny.

The first post is the Walmart, that's the actual address, name, Wichita, Kansas.

Nice.

And then Shonda, Anna Green, you should have that information there.

Let's give her a call.

You'll be alright, there's no black people in Wichita.

No, Shonda, I don't know.

Well, it could be a white trash name.

Instead, we'll call Cesar Agano, and I'll post his information here as well.

Give me just a moment.

Actually, who speaks Spanish?

Me.

Hola.

um the uh saturday show it's about you hear the uh show on saturday the uh yeah man uh i cracked

my ass up because as i was falling i i i i disconnected from the uh the skype uh conference

for it and i was still listening on my android phone i went to bed and i just i hear the one

guy who like got all the way to the papa johns and he's knocking on the yeah that was great here

Here, I'm on a glass.

He's like, oh, yeah, sir, just point to your phone.

Yeah, they'll know what you're talking about.

He's like, oh, I'm here for the whatever.

What was it?

What car was it?

I forgot.

Here for the free car.

Ford Escort.

And they're like, oh, no.

Yeah, I was with Rob Sampo's ads, and the first thing that came to mind was, dude, Ford Escort.

Yeah.

The guy was like, fucking fuck you, motherfucker.

You're watching me.

Oh, you're fucking watching me.

And Brad's like, yeah, oh, yeah, we're watching you.

We're right here, sir.

We're a block away watching you

That was an awesome show

Oh my god

Rob isn't posting those man

What the hell is that

It's the music

You have reached

Hey Macarena

What the fuck

Please leave your message after the call

Oh thanks

Well

Let's try to call Terry Daniels back

She's the one that got mad and said things

Was that the only ones you had

I got more. I got a few more, but, you know, I do a few and then I go back, do a few, go back, you know.

It's like doing the dance.

Well, yeah, the cha-cha. There you go.

I was going to say cha-cha, but I didn't know.

I'm not much of a dancer. I'm Puerto Rican, but I don't dance.

You're the whitest Puerto Rican I know.

I have a gun to my pants.

Can't dance. Gun to my pants.

Of course, you're a horse.

Probably the only Puerto Rican he knows.

That's true, but I digress.

That is a cool-ass cartoon, dude.

Thank you.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Hi, buddy.

Tuck can thank me for the awareness.

What?

I have cool calls I need to send you that IG has been making to this radio station out of New Jersey.

Okay.

The cactus one?

He sent me some cactus prank calls.

Yeah, and some HiBuddies.com prank calls.

He would just say HiBuddies.com over the air.

Nice.

Yeah.

That's good.

I hope you're getting some hits for that, man.

Yeah, I hope we are.

I have to check that.

Hey, I got a question for Tuck.

Are you doing all the artwork

or are you jointly doing it

with somebody else?

I couldn't quite get it.

Joint.

No, that's all me.

It's the concept my partner

in Manila came up with

but I fleshed it out

and took it over

all the work

as far as the comic goes

and he runs the website

site and the business on the back end my partner my partner fleshed it out that's really really

your original material then everything i'm saying i designed all the characters and the strips are

all mine and i did all the work and the coloring and writing that's cool man thank you i was

flipping through some of your pages man i just started my ass i said that's crazy yeah that's

awesome that's good that's good to hear the paranoid dude is really talking to the devil

obviously yeah

it's kind of obvious to me

this is how war things are going to go

I just heard

my partner flesh it out in the back door

black end

just saying

I'm glad you guys are getting along again

good for you

we'll see about that

while the liquor's flowing anyway

the liquor's flowing

oh boy hi buddies

I wish I got high again I'd read that if I was high again

That'd be awesome. I do it sober. So, uh, you know, it shouldn't be much of a difference. What's the point?

Yeah, if I was stoned I wouldn't be able to do it. I got a point. Yeah, I'm just waking the bacon

I would be too lazy. I'm too lazy to do it.

I don't feel like doing it.

I don't have too much work.

Too much work.

I was gonna do Black and White, but...

Hi, this is Trisha. Please leave a message at this time.

I just need to please Skyrim.

Hey, I ended up with a Scarface cartoon.

She sounded quite nice.

Yeah, Trisha's a cute name, man.

I give her one.

She wasn't there, though, so, you know.

He just put the message over again.

Marielle Urich.

Urich.

I think there's a reason these people didn't answer before.

Yeah.

And that sucks.

Jesus is born and comes out.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, buddy, man.

How you doing?

Yeah, I love that.

Are you reached yet?

I'm not available.

I thought that was Milkman's voice for a second.

Oh, it was Milkman's voice.

What do you call him, Milkman?

I don't know.

He's already on.

I'm crazy.

It's so funny when he gets customers

And he starts talking just randomly

He's so friendly to all his customers

He sounds like me when I used to go to work

High at the call center

I was always like hey man

How you doing man

Yeah that guy

That passed away

That died in the accident

It was a madhouse listener

Me and him we used to just

We'd go to the parking lot

In the middle of the day

and we'd just get high

and we'd go back and just have

contests about having the funnest

conversations with customers.

We got Pedro. Yeah, Pedro,

man. Good guy.

Rest in peace,

Droid Machine. You actually met him?

Pedro? Yeah, yeah.

Did you hang out a lot? Oh, yeah.

I met him first in real life

and then he became a Madhouse fan.

And he died?

He died in an ATV accident, man.

He was out riding his Banshee ATV

and took a flip and he broke his neck, man.

Right.

Jesus.

I'm telling you, man.

Sad.

One of the coolest guys I've ever met in my life.

Awesome dude.

You know how people just say nice things when people die,

like Richard Nixon and all that?

Yeah.

Nothing like that.

No, he was – I always – even my wife.

My wife really liked him a lot.

He used to hang out, introduce him to my mom, knew him and everything.

He was crazy.

He was a nice guy.

My mom actually got sad when she heard and told her about it.

She started crying a little bit.

Was he Puerto Rican?

Was he more Puerto Rican than you?

Thank you for calling YoDaddy.com.

Para Espanol.

Get ahead of your own cousin.

Thank you for calling the sales department.

My name is Bernice.

Can I get your customer number, please?

Hey, Big Bernice.

I understand you people are for SOPA.

What's that about?

I'm not sure exactly.

Why don't you know things?

What's the matter?

I'm sorry?

Why don't you know things about things?

I don't actually have any stand on it, so, you know.

What do you mean you don't have any stand?

You're either for it or you're against it.

What do you mean you don't have a stand?

Well today it came out

That these GoDaddy people

Of yours

That you came out in favor of SOPA

The SOPA Act

If you have any questions

Specifically on it

You can email

PR at GoDaddy.com

No I want to talk to someone about it

May I talk to the Puerto Rican

I'm sorry

I want to talk to the Puerto Rican

Give me one second okay

It's at PR

are go daddy well this has been a weird show you know started off with a bang and then uh

power went out she sounded really nice that girl i know that's why i asked for managers

because they're paid to take it you know i didn't ask for manager but i put it that way

oh yeah carlito did you get my uh email that i sent you like a couple days ago

yes what was it about i remember an email coming from you but it's new new it was like a oh yeah

Yeah, a black girl named Nunu on Chrysalis.

I marked that as spin.

No, I'm kidding.

Lamy's it.

Really?

Oh, you're kidding.

Holy shit, really?

So we almost opened a brand new door.

Yeah, I've got your awesome, awesome high buddy calls, is it?

It is.

Professor Dum-Dum.

It's good stuff.

It's actually pretty fun.

Oh, is he sending you the recordings?

Hey, listen, it's about three minutes.

Okay.

All right, I'm going to disconnect this.

This is going nowhere.

It ain't going anywhere.

The toilet.

Sofa.

Sofa is soup in Spanish.

Sofa.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, Brad sent, RBCP sent the paper shredder sound effect.

Good.

No, let me.

Oh, nice.

But they're not answering.

He sent a WAV file.

What's wrong with him?

What's wrong with you, RBCP?

Jeez, was it 1997?

It was Skype therapy.

It was norm back then.

God, I just lost this WAV.

I was freaking trying

Papers for like

Three hours at work today

Digital lossless wave

What happened

The digital

What

I was running papers

For like two hours at work

You work

Yeah

Where do you work

Accounting place

You work at an accounting place

Yeah

Okay

I get paid

About 15 an hour

You don't pay

You pay nothing

You're a kid

Fucking amazed

That's good

Good for you

Right everybody

Good for you

14.

Yeah, nice.

It's not even 15.

Jesus.

You're working at an accounting firm and you're 14, 15.

Yeah, but I don't actually do any accounting.

Okay.

What do you do?

I can't even get paid.

You can't get paid until you're 16 legally.

No, you can.

You can get paid 14.

I was 14 years old.

I was working at Burger King.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I don't know how it works over there, but I was working at 14 as well.

Whatever.

It must be a state-by-state thing.

In the West, you can do whatever you want.

I mean, I guess so.

West, west, y'all.

This is in the wild, wild west.

A couple numbers in chat there in Skype.

You live in Brooklyn.

In Skype, I've got to fart.

Man, I've been having difficult farts lately.

Like, it actually hurts.

It's hard to push.

That's good.

You're eating hard.

You're getting some heavy.

Oh, it's just air that's coming out.

I don't understand why it hurts so much.

It doesn't hurt.

It's just got to grunt a little bit, you know?

You need to stop sticking things up your ass.

You're eating too heavy.

Your wife's meatloaf is a little bit too heavy

Oh Athena makes some good meatloaf

She hasn't made it in about a year

You know what I'm going to tell her to make meatloaf tomorrow

It's a recipe

I love making meatloaf

Because you get to take the raw meat

And you mix it with your hands

It's fun I squeeze it

It may go

Okay guys

Let's continue here

I was going to tell Artie

I got an email coupon just now

Artie is getting arrested

The sushi place.

Yeah, actually, yeah.

As a matter of fact, you're right.

Yeah, he did call.

What did he say?

Hang on.

He sent a text.

I actually do feel bad, Artie says.

Aww.

Only to Artie.

Only to Artie this has happened to.

I'm going to make him feel better.

Hang on.

We'll tell him.

I thought it would be on the back of a patrol car.

We're on the air.

What, you feel bad now?

You have remorse?

Why?

Maybe she's dead.

You want to call the hospital?

Quit being a pussy, Artie.

All right.

Hey, listen.

Well, here, this might make you feel better.

Listen.

You ready?

Bay Ridge Sushi, right?

Special dinner.

Special dinner, December 24th and 25th.

Offering menus for two listed below.

I don't know.

$59.95.

Appetizer, entree, dessert, and wine.

That's actually pretty crappy.

Well, never mind.

Sorry.

Yeah, you did.

You go there, like, all the time.

All right.

We'll see you later, buddy.

All right, bye.

Good luck with that.

Last time I was going to sleep in his nice little bed.

Wow, dude.

I mean, seriously.

Now he feels bad.

You've got to go to the hospital bed, man, right?

Would you go to the hospital at this point?

Cops are gone.

I think we need to call the Walmart and get some details.

I don't know what's going on.

It's way too busy with Christmas and shit.

As far as I know, someone had a heart attack in the parking lot.

Where it happened isn't really in front of the Walmart.

It's the parking lot, but it's just huge.

I know where a well party's at.

I've been there as a youth in that part.

Well, Walmart owns the whole property, so the whole property is Walmart.

I don't know. It's over there by the GameStop and stuff. I don't know.

But in that part of the Walmart, I've been there before, Smokin'.

I got a little stinky pinky little feet on this, too.

That particular parking lot.

Yeah, the parking lot they control, they own all that.

Well, they shouldn't let people like that there.

That's true, but they do because they buy super pies.

Fuck.

What?

I just, you know, you just said something else.

because I'm with the God-fearing patriots.

They got a load of men.

If you're able to take your call right now,

please leave me a brief message,

and I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Go to the shit.

All right, so, Tabachi, now, let me regroup here.

I'm getting a little off track here.

All right, Tabachi, you said you sent us some open book numbers, right?

I have a couple.

I put in one earlier.

Let me go find it for you again.

All right, well, I'm just...

Did you send in the request to prank, or where'd you put it?

No, I put it in the chat.

at. I wasn't sure if you were taking requests.

You said something like they were broken.

Give me one second

here. I'll slam a bunch

in there for you. No problem.

In the meantime, Koken is sending in numbers.

Who else

sent in numbers?

We've got to get to those.

Let me see if we can get anything from Lonesome. What happened to Lonesome?

He's not sending anything. Did he leave?

No, he's still in the thing.

Chris is on vacation, man. He's gone.

He's out here.

He's drinking some red wine.

Okay, whatever.

I'm going to try to play this Professor Dumb Dumb.

You got turned off.

There's a space between my syllables

and it's not in your pants!

Two zero one, two zero nine!

Three six eight, WFMU

on the air. He plays like Hitler

youth music. Night!

And he does this

nutsy character.

Just to explain what's going on.

HiBuddies.com, have you heard of it?

no but thank you for the plug

it's something it's own species

elves would benefit humans

last thing I heard they don't like us

but they're forced to make toys

maybe they are being sneaky

and putting lead into the toys

you ever think about that

this is like a radio show

yeah I'm here

it's an eclectic

radio station

and they can play whatever

and he plays like this weird

like Nazi metal

battle sort of sound and music and he does this weird hitler type stick voice character

that was the best part of the call you didn't he'll go back to it if you're good i don't go

back yeah he wants to send the numbers yeah that's where i'm calling carlito runs the show

oh jen it's for you stewart house oh really hello hello yeah what's wrong with you

what's wrong with you

I think you're wrong

hello

that was a bit short notice

I don't know what I'm doing

I'm making a cup of tea here

you guys are going on the show and I'm just listening

and then you're suddenly like yeah okay

why don't you take it away

that's what you're doing there

how hard is it to make some tea

you're like sitting there

yeah but I don't drink British tea

what the fuck is that

Special Chinese tea.

It doesn't matter.

Who did you call?

It said Stuart House Hotel, according to Nunu.

That was definitely not Stuart House Hotel.

Thanks a lot, Nunu, you big dumb liar.

You big dummy.

All right, Professor Dumb Dumb continued.

Are you on the app?

Yes, I believe so.

Do you have a poem about...

Would you like to play with my anus?

...posting on an open fire,

or do you want to reveal something that you've seen or felt or know that Santa Claus did to you?

I want to reveal a Christmas event.

All right, reveal the Christmas event, and please, if you feel like you need to cry,

do you have a tissue around you?

I have several, don't worry.

All right. I'm ready for you, sir.

So it began that my Christmas list had on it just one thing, a cactus.

A cactus?

A cactus, yes.

Is that some sort of sexual code word, or is it a plant?

It's a plant.

All right. Because Americans, they don't say what they mean. They have all these innuendos.

I know.

They're a free country, yet they don't exercise the freedom.

I know. It's sad.

So you wanted a cactus, and that was on your list.

Yes, and it was about 2 in the morning on a Christmas day.

I went up to get some water, and then I heard a noise arising from my living room.

And I walked over there, and I might just let you know that I love cacti, and I had a Christmas cactus instead of a Christmas tree.

And now Santa apparently pricked himself on the cactus, and he came at me, and he knocked me down, and he held up the cactus that I had asked for.

He said, you live by the cactus, you die by the cactus.

He brushed me over the head with it, and I woke up December 27th.

You still want to write him letters about what you want for the next Christmas?

Yeah, I did.

It must be terrible.

What lesson did he not observe?

I don't know.

Look.

What?

I don't like that radio guy.

I just...

Stupid.

He thinks it's funny.

Remember my grandfather fought in World War II.

My dad fought in World War II.

Yeah, exactly.

Jim Stewart.

My cousin was killed in World War II.

Yeah, he was.

I think my grandfather was fighting your grandfather in World War II.

Possibly.

You never know.

My uncle lived on the German side in World War II.

They're helpful with dad more, which is on the American side.

IG, what do you say?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

How are you doing there, buddy?

I'm sorry?

Is this Taylor?

No, you got the wrong number.

Oh, shit.

Thanks, Taylor.

Thanks.

No, seriously.

I'm, like, dialing numbers.

I don't even know who I'm calling.

Oh, that was James Carter that works at McDonald's.

Hang on, let me call him back.

What were you saying before I called you back?

I was asking, why do you sound so confident and project your voice on that when we do

calls with us?

You're like, hey.

I'm wondering that.

Jesus.

I thought it was the same thing.

Yeah, you're like, hey, what are you doing with us?

Because I can't wake people up in my household.

Well, tell them.

Yeah, you can.

Oh, your household.

I screamed earlier on with that elevator door,

and I live right next door to this crazy lady.

assert yourself

she's gonna be pissed tomorrow

wasn't there a Chinese guy

lived under you

used to get mad at you

all the time

not after me

Jen yeah

what are you

under you

no no no no

I live next door to a lady

who used to bang on the wall

when we used to do the shows

late in the evening

so now I've got my wireless

and everything

I go downstairs

I'm sorry

but the person you called

has a voice mailbox

oh

gotta take advantage of that

yeah

well yeah

IG69

you know

it kinda hurts

so you get the call during the day

you can be yourself

That's what you're saying.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, you have a handsome voice.

Thank you.

All right.

So now we'll call who Taylor is.

Taylor, the Taylor.

All right.

Good.

Do you have any more UK numbers for me?

Yeah.

I think so.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we do.

We call Taylor first.

Hang on.

Yeah.

Let's see.

There's a space here.

I've got to put a one and a number.

Why is it not dialing?

You have ample credit.

I've got five bucks and change of credit.

I've got plenty of credit.

It doesn't matter.

It's just not international.

Six.

There we go.

Done.

Oh, crap.

Did I lose you guys?

Uh-oh.

No, I'm here.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Taylor.

Yeah.

Taylor, you work at McDonald's, correct?

Yeah.

Listen, we need you to come in and make eggs.

You know how they have the little separator for the eggs?

Well, I haven't worked yet because I didn't do my orientation.

Yeah, but we're going to put you on a fast track to come in.

When do you need me to come in?

Well, the morning shift.

We usually open for the employees at 4 o'clock, but if you can come in at 5, I'll go ahead.

I'm the manager, and the second manager, and the morning shift manager, and then Cross will be there, and IG will be there also.

We're going to get things started at 4, and if you want to come in, we'll teach you how to use the egg machine.

Okay.

All right?

So you want me to be there at 5?

You're at 5, that's right.

Now, do you have your uniform and all that, or did you need to come dress somewhere?

No, I didn't get anything because they didn't let me do it.

Do you have any polo shirts, anything like that?

My sister may have.

All right, well, if not, come however you are.

Just, you know, no jeans, though.

Can you not wear jeans?

Okay.

All right, no jeans and then no makeup.

Okay.

And no strong cologne or perfume.

Okay, so if I could just find a pair of black pants and maybe like a blue shirt.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Okay.

That should work out.

Okay, Taylor.

All right.

I'll see you at 5

Alright welcome to the team

See you later

Alright there you go

Oh that is cruel

She's going to go there tomorrow

You shouldn't have asked her

How big her tits were

No I just want her to come in

That's fine

Fuck man that is really cold

I feel bad now

You know I'm starting work

Soon I'll be really laid down

What am I talking about

i'd be really let down if uh you know they were pulling a joke yeah i i love doing this kind of

thing to businesses but i've i've never done that to an individual that's i'll call her back

that's far-fetched man yeah yeah but make it probably no should i tell her the joke

should you tell her the joke no no no oh wait a minute wait a minute think about it because you

could you've got the advantage now she thinks she's gonna come in she thinks you're serious

so you can turn this into something you can tell her oh there's been a mix-up um or something i

I don't know.

You make something up.

You've been fired.

If you're not here in two hours, you're getting fired.

No.

That's horrible.

How about I tell her not to bother coming in, that we let her go, and then...

No, that's sort of...

That's bad.

Tony, ask her how big her boobs are, so you have the right shirt for her.

Yeah, that's a good idea!

Come on, yeah, ask her what her size is, and say, sorry, you're too fat, or something,

or you're too thin, or something.

No, let's call her back.

No, because she's probably going to show up, she's going to be embarrassed.

You know what I mean?

It's just, you know, she'll be embarrassed.

Yeah, you big baby.

I know.

I'm sorry.

That's what I'm saying.

You've got to offend her now, right?

So that she doesn't come.

Don't cancel.

Just offend her.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Hello?

Taylor?

Yeah.

All right.

I think I have a shirt for you.

Okay.

That you can wear.

All right.

So what is your size?

Small.

Smallest you've got.

And what about the C cup or a B cup?

Why does that matter?

Well, for the shirt.

So I can get an idea of what goes in the shirt.

Your breasts.

C.

Yeah.

round C's? Big floppers?

The big floppers are D's, so you have

nice, firm, are they

the nipples, do they point straight, or do they

go, are they a little wop-a-john?

She's good.

Now, why did she hang up at that?

Oh, man.

Now she knows it's probably a joke.

Now she won't

come. That was fucking brilliant.

See? Look at that. Everyone's happy, huh?

We had a laugh, we offended

her, and she's not going to come back.

We didn't want her to come anyway.

See if it was a business and it was the other way around

Like, you know, me ordering this

Back to a hotel, it would have been funny

Yeah, that's funny though

That is really good

She was like, why?

Why is that important?

She actually told me

She paused and then she told you

Call me old fashioned, but I like a pair of C's over a pair of D's

This is me, I like a nice pair

Me, I like a pair of double D's

I'm fucking crazy

What the fuck was that?

we all know milkman over there he likes some big floppers

he's with a customer he can't say anything he's getting rid of explode over there

he's like i want to tell you about our case

he needs to get something so he can broadcast a show over his cabin shit so they can hear what's

going on. Oh, hey, that's

I almost forgot to mention.

Tuck, you didn't hear it. I don't think

Milkman was on KDK's show on Sunday.

Really? Yeah.

I know. Sounds crazy.

What was the scenario behind that?

I was listening to KDK and

Nunu was in there and KDK was

listening to some, playing some

song and his thing was he was going to

Christmas Carol. Something about

Minty. Minty

fell on the ground. Minty

had, I don't know, some song.

and then Nunu said substitute Milkman

and KDK did it

and I thought it was hilarious

I told KDK hey you should call Milkman

and sing that song for him

and KDK was like alright

and I gave him Milkman's phone number

so he called him and he sang this song

Milkman fell on the ground

it was really funny

and they ended up talking for like a good 5 minutes

5-10 minutes

they made up and Milkman was like

I'm sorry man but I gotta defend my Armando

I know that's why I said mean things about you.

Yeah.

We're all happy. It was a great moment.

Did his archives or anything

still? You know what? I did archives.

I should play this song. It's KDK's

song. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want to hear a conversation.

He sang it in Jill's voice.

It was like, Milkman fell on the ground.

Milkman fell on the ground.

Yeah, and if you think about it, it's funny because

Milkman probably does fall on the ground all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Let me look here.

Milkman fell on the ground.

Let's see, what date was that?

The 17th?

Milkman fell on the ground.

It was just like that.

Okay, okay.

Just, just like that.

No one can do it, man.

Here we go.

Got it.

Oh, good.

I've never understood why Milkman was so, like, angry with me.

Oh, and look, I just got email from Blackout.

Okay, wonderful.

I haven't listened to Blackout in, like, three years.

Like, I give a shit what you have to do.

Ah, Blackout.

Fuck you.

I got my own shit that's really much more fun

He's a dumbass

He is so cool, I haven't heard him in ages

Yeah, he's still kicking

Really?

Yeah, he's still doing stuff

We should call him, now you should make up with him

Yeah

I think Ted needs to make up with him now

Yeah, if Ted does, then, you know, it'll be good

That's nice

I never made down with him

Well, you know

Then I can call and ask, do I have, do I come

Do I check for him

I'll leave a message. I'll sing the entire song as a message.

You can hear the sound of Milkman, the candy cane who briefly fell to the ground.

Milkman fell to the ground and now Milkman's covered in poo.

Cause Milkman fell to the ground for just a moment or two.

It's becoming evident that he landed an excrement.

But never fear, cause Minty's here to make Christmas excellent.

Milkman fell to the ground and now Milkman's covered in poo.

Milkman like acted like he didn't know it was him

Then I called Milkman

I was like Milkman just talk to him

He was like I don't want to talk to him

Come on

And he called him back

I have a lot of

A lot a lot a lot a lot of people

That still hate me for nasty things

That I said and did

Back when I was in a different place

so i don't blame people for being angry with me i was a mean he was a mean

i don't know what you heard but that never happened what never happened oh it's all right

then man there's nothing wrong with that dude you know rehab is good time is too much explain

to me what you had heard about me being into drugs well i heard that there's a brief tense

tense moment here.

Every time you go

to Hollywood,

Lindsay,

that for whatever

reason they pop you

and the next thing

you're in jail.

Are you doing a joke?

Are you talking to me

as Dave the person

or pretending to be

me on Lindsay Lohan?

I'm going with the

Dave,

I'm going with the

Lindsay Lohan character.

Even though it does

sound like my old

friend Dave Jill.

So you sound like

my old friend Milkman.

Yeah,

I guess I do at times.

I've been told

that I resemble such.

And it could taste from there.

We'll let KDK put it on his own show for once.

Okay.

KDK gets upset.

Send me a copy if you can.

I want to hear it.

Yeah.

It was good.

I was happy for them.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

You probably don't.

I just posted it.

Speaking of Blackout, didn't you call Blackout?

Or didn't someone say you called Blackout?

Yeah, I was on Milkman's show.

I was on Blackout's show.

Yeah, totally.

Hey, Milkman.

So you were happy to talk to Milkman?

God damn it.

to kdk again yeah that was really cool man actually man i feel good about it man because like you know

i always really like that guy man yeah from the old days you know and

that was how we all that's how we all kind of like you know met each other you know and just

have to go and go and defend and you know have to be mean to him you know a person i like you know

i'm really glad to get that over with man thanks for doing that man i appreciate that i'm glad i

I can do something.

That's my Christmas gift to you,

Milt, man.

There you go.

Cool, man.

There you go.

That's good, man, you know.

Hey, look,

there's no room for hate

in this world, man.

I mean, time's too short, man.

And, you know,

what if something would happen

to one of us, man,

and they never got

to that person again,

and they never found out,

you know, why, you know,

I was sorry about what happened,

you know.

All right.

Try and resolve things

before it's too late.

Hi, girlfriend.

All right.

Good deal.

Awesome.

Alright well continuing on

Let's continue on

You guys are sending in

You guys are sending in numbers in the sky

Yeah just tell the guy

That it's not an Audi

There's all kinds of activity going on

In this Skype chat

Going up the roof

It's hard for me to see

Let me just copy paste it

Jesus Christ hey there

I'm selling Maximo

Hey there

I'm looking at your dog

A Russian chick

Oh nice

They busted

A few weeks ago they busted

A Russian sex ring in Orlando

I couldn't believe it

Had I known about it I would have been all over that

I'm just saying

Good thing my wife doesn't listen to the show

Yeah down here in the valley

In PA

You go down to one of these malls

And you'll see all those shitty stands

you'll see a bunch of russians around there you'll see the guys next there and they're the pimp

really in the mall yeah and then underground i'm not kidding there's these corridors

where what i'm telling you dude oh my god i'll be going down there and oh my god to go to my

storage closet and you see some of them walking around man where are you at yeah tell me i don't

know i gotta go we gotta go maybe i'll take a trip down there i gotta get jerked off yeah down

Down in Amish County, man, down at Mall,

you wouldn't believe what goes on.

Amish people.

Hell yeah.

I'm going down there in Amish County.

I know what you're talking about.

All right, let's see here.

I prefer sports bike.

I don't know what that's about.

Vespa.

Oh, he was asking me about my motorbike.

You know, I'm actually Amish Christian.

Are you?

Look at my Facebook, man.

I'm Amish, dude.

That's my religion.

You do always say I'm the Amish milkman.

Yeah, but you know.

Who knows?

You also say you're 82 years old, though, man.

I never know what to believe.

I'm only 87 years old now.

You know, I'm one of the shepherds.

All right.

He's Caribbean, he's Japanese, he's Amish.

He knows what the fuck he is.

I've been only saying that for, what,

that last seven years, right?

Yeah, the monos.

Jeez.

That we've known you.

I know, right?

That we've known you.

Yo, Carlito,

call the guy selling the Maximo

and tell him that you feel bad for him

so you'll give him an Audi.

Call who?

Who? The guy from Maximo?

What?

The guy from Maximo.

Something about a Magma Alley.

Maximo, the Nissan Maximo?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's on the bottom of the Skype chat.

Okay.

Well, I haven't gotten there yet, sir.

Give me a moment.

I got a lot of numbers.

I don't see it like you would on the Dumb Dumb Show.

Yes.

Please.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I think IG-69 is trying to blow some guy for a car.

Oh, I guess.

All right.

Oh, boy, you guys.

All right.

Ken posted this about

I don't know, 30 minutes ago

Sex for a man, a man for sex

Looking for

Yeah

If that's the way you want to call

Just really wondering where you want to go

See if you can get some cannibalism into this

Hmm

This subscriber cannot receive messages at this time

At this time

Bitch

Call the other one

Is this another sex ad?

A woman looking for men

and craigslist please state your name after the tone and google voice will try to connect you

uh mr horse shit there's no way she's gonna take that that's your phone bitch all right so we got

a number here you know this one said it's a girl with no limits nice nice ask if you can cook her

or something yeah yeah you used to prank all people you used to right so you're gonna cook

it's so six one nine seven two seven zero is not available right now i can get out she posted it

did you hear about that case in germany where the guy put an ad out on the internet and

the other guy um sort of ate him what like yeah yeah yeah you must have heard about this in

america i'm in my voice this is we don't hang out in germany man that's every day this was

international news this was massive this guy posted an ad saying he wanted to be eaten hitler

it was a serious issue and the guy actually went and he came to his house and they drugged him up

and everything and he actually cut off his penis tried to feed it to him and the whole thing was

filmed and everything and it was shown in court massive thing i can't believe you know we pepper

and censor our news over here

with what made-up celebrity

is pregnant.

Or split up with somebody.

You know, that's the news

we get over here.

Real stuff is filtered

away from us.

We're like North Korea.

Basically.

We're giving our own made-up news about made-up people.

We're North Korea with the internet.

I'd still like to put one of these ads out.

Please eat me.

This is the Russian IG-69.

It's better working.

Answer, IG-69.

They didn't answer.

Bad.

Tabachi posted an open book.

A few of them.

Let's see here.

Let's see.

Very shortly.

And the good news is, sir, we're going to do these numbers off of Skype,

and then I'll go through the, oh, geez, through the request of practice.

Got a few there.

And then we're going to just call the UK like crazy.

It's got a bunch of numbers.

Oh, yeah.

And then we'll call it.

Put it through the ha-ha filter.

The ha-ha filter.

Yes, the ha-ha filter.

So I should be laughing.

Yo, I just got a weird call on my cell phone from some guy saying weird stuff.

That happens sometimes.

Yeah?

People do call you.

I'm a hot bitch.

I bet half the people we call tonight are saying the same things to their friends.

I get this really weird call this morning, you know?

This weird fucking guy.

Yo, I just chugged, like, two liters of Mountain Dew.

Okay.

What the fuck is a liter?

44 ounces, bitch.

I want a liter of cola.

Daryl Phillips here.

What do you mean, what's a liter?

What the fuck is a gallon?

A liter is French for I want some fucking cola.

A gallon is real.

A liter is something some Europeans made up.

That's the difference.

No, no, I don't go to the petrol station

and gallons of petrol in my pipe.

What the fuck is that even a fucking metric system?

There's no, really no such thing as a petrol station.

There's only gas stations.

Petrol.

Yeah, it's petrol, right?

And we don't go in and we say,

Oh, yes, pump number two, please!

And I'll have five gallons on that fucking thing, thank you!

Yeah, just take the metric system, fuck that shit.

It's not petrol, it's not petroleum, man.

It's gas, it's a gas.

Right, it's gas.

God, get with it.

It's not gas!

Yes, it is!

Gas is air, gas is...

You don't burn

Gas, gasoline

Petrol, as you call it

The liquid doesn't burn, it's the fumes that lets off

The gas that burns, you dummy

Yeah, right, but you're not putting

You're not putting gas into your vehicle

How could you put gas

In the vehicle?

That's just stupid

Yeah, don't be silly

Makes no sense

You put petrol, you put oil in the vehicle

No you don't, you don't put oil in the vehicle

You're ordering

ordering, but you're ordering

for gasoline. That's right.

Ordered gas.

What puts in

the gas is

irrelevant. I don't know how you guys

do it, but I put petrol in my bike.

I don't know what you guys do.

You better shut your mouth before I

fuck it.

That's not gay at all.

That's the most American thing

I've heard all night.

Just do what I do and call it fuel.

That's what I do.

What are you, a NASCAR driver?

No.

It's fucking fuel, man.

That's what I call it. I put that fuel in there.

Fuel her up. Fuel up the bird.

That's what I do.

I tell my wife, fuel up the bird.

Enough of that argument.

I just got 20 on number 2.

I didn't do that. I just got 20 on number 2.

there's no u in color there's no confusion there hello and you spelled the fence wrong it's no c

it's s hello daryl hey daryl what's going on hey um do you know where i could get a nice pair

like a nice jacket who is it this is cross i just moved here to clayton i'm looking for a nice like

chinchilla kind of coat jacket you know cross i'll wear a cross my name is cross and i wear a cross

Daryl.

The what?

I like to wear cross.

My name is Cross, and I wear cross.

You know, crosses?

Cross, yeah.

I like to wear crosses.

Then I need, like, some chinchilla jacket, coats and stuff, you know?

You know where I can go?

Who is it?

This is Cross.

I don't know you.

I know, but I'm a friend of Audrey's.

She told me to give you a call.

Who's Audrey?

Audrey.

Audrey Flynn.

Who?

Audrey Flynn.

She told me to give you a call.

In Clayton County.

Yeah.

My name's Cross.

I'm a friend of Audrey's.

She told me to give you a call.

She said that you know where I get like a chinchilla coat and like some jewelry, like a big cross to wear on my neck.

And listen.

Hey, man, look.

I'll suck your dick, man.

You know?

I'll suck your dick.

Right?

Hello?

What?

No, no, I got it.

I saved it.

It's in my phone, my Android.

I'm not losing it.

Come on, man.

Where do I get cross?

I'm trying to be black.

You know, black.

It's racist to me.

Hey, Carlito.

Call him back.

Let me fuck with him.

Alright, Ken.

Ken's gonna fuck with us.

He's a white guy.

Tell him you want to fuck his mouth.

Tell him that.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Try that again.

Where's his number, nigga?

What did he call you?

Where's that white guy?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Why are people saying the N-word like that?

Like it's normal.

I have something really good for him.

I wanted to tell him I want some armadillo chaps along with some like snake skin fucking thongs and shit.

and just fuck with him really hardcore.

Oh, God.

Wow, you're into some serious shit, Ken.

I'm telling you, man.

Just call it a roll.

Jonathan Boone.

Jesus.

Jonathan Boone is a fan of the Hurricanes and the Bucs.

Okay.

Awesome.

Yo, Carlito,

the last number I put in the Skype,

you gotta call that.

Yeah, I heard you get that, man.

Gotta call that.

Let's see.

willing to trade for another

Nissan Maxima manual

what's the last one

the one about the orgy

yeah that's pretty funny

we want to join in

wait a minute is an orgy going on

yeah yeah he's looking for orgy members

room 16

please let

please let your mom walk in on this

yeah

please let your mom walk in on this

awkwardly

and you awkwardly explain

explain what i'm doing yeah and she bans you blocks your existence in it for six months

there you go please this happened looking for orgy members that's all we guys just have a

craigslist where'd you please jesus you should involve all of us this is really good you can

tell him he's got like yeah you know you've got everybody on the line he's gonna be involved

let's do it oh i mean i'm all right you know as long as it's a 50 50 mixed men and women

And no one touches my car

Fuck yeah

As long as there's no DP involved

I'm cool

That's just gay

DP

How do you know?

The car has two cocks

I've seen the movies

DP

DP's gay

You're the one watching it

It's on

If you get on that motherless.com

You don't know what you're gonna see

Hi this is Scott

I'm not able to answer your call right now

I'm not able to answer your

Call right now

Call

Your numbers suck, IG-69.

No offense, man.

Yeah, you don't even test them.

None of them work.

Your mom doesn't work.

She does.

Nope, IG-69, nope.

Give us your mom's number.

Will she answer?

No.

No, yes, she will.

You won't give it to us, but yeah.

Do you have a dad?

Yeah.

Do you live with your mom?

I live with both of them.

They're not divorced and stuff?

That's cool.

No.

Awesome.

Me neither.

My parents aren't divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's good.

What are you talking about?

I

gotta get to Amsterdam for the make it so tourists can't smoke pot in the cafes.

I don't know why I thought about that, but I did.

I thought you had a girl in the window.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set.

Who would name a set with their voicemails anymore?

Voicemails.

Pussies.

What kind of world are we living in?

They know the PLA is going to call them.

Good.

I'm awesome.

All right, Jonathan, Mr. Boone, you didn't answer.

We move on.

That's the majority.

That's all the Skype numbers that I can see there.

We got those.

Kokanee sent the numbers here.

We did.

Oh, I think we did Kokanee's numbers.

We did the McDonald's girl.

Yeah, so we're caught up there.

We deserve a rig today.

today a reg reggie you deserve to hang out with a reggie yeah i could go for that

i know nobody

i made it a year guys it's over long enough all right so number in hawaii from tabachi from before

and kawar oh yeah webcam prank okay nissan of kawaii oh god i don't know if they're open anymore

more of these this late

of night yeah it's true

it's too late oh but

that does remind me

ig69 sent you the car

number what was that

about then ig69

uh some guy wants to

sell a nissan

hondo he's trying

what he said i don't

know what he said

ditto

i'll sell a nissan

maxima i'll do it

you want to do it

okay i'm selling my

nissan magmaxima

97 has okay gotcha

all right well here

you go oh he's making

the call oh yeah it's

all him well we live

in here i'm clear he

said what is he going

to whisper to him

what yeah well i'll

whisper it's all him

it's all on him

He can't, no one can help him either.

Okay.

Milkman got you.

I'm gonna crack the windows a little for me though, okay?

Crack the windows for me?

Okay, for you.

All for you.

Crack the windows.

Don't be fucked if I can't help you.

Don't be fucked.

The Google voice subscriber you have called is not available.

Please leave a message after the tone.

You're like 0 for 5 sign IG.

I'm wondering if they could see if I was smoking pot and backseat because I can't

do windows.

What?

All right, IG-69, I have this.

Oh, I got a Sonic's drive-in.

Sonic drive-in.

That was so cool.

A Sonic screwdriver?

Sonic drive-in.

Okay.

Sonic, uh, IG-69 will call and say,

Hey, can I have a...

Can I have a...

Can I have a fart?

Okay.

Can I have a fart?

Can I not?

Is he asleep?

I can't say it.

Why would I want him to sleep?

Sonic drive-in in Walsaville, this is Ryan.

How can I help you?

Hey, dude, is it okay if I...

Is it okay if I smoke pot in there?

Hello?

Yeah, dude, can I smoke pot in there for free?

Or do I have to pay extra?

No, you can't smoke weed here.

Why not?

That's a violation of my third amendment right.

Is this a business call?

You bet it is.

Have a good night.

Great work.

And there you are.

And there you are, everybody.

Can I smoke pot in there for free, or do I have to pay extra?

That's a good title for the show, man.

That is.

I'll make it.

That's all.

How do you write that out?

How do you spell that, ID6?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell us.

Dude, Aaron sent in a number

from Portland, Oregon.

Hey, ask him if he can

smack Paul for free.

Smack Paul for free?

This guy's trading guitar for guns.

Oh, dear.

That's never good.

Nope, man, I'd do that.

On her guns.

Hi, sorry I missed your phone call.

Give me a message and I'll call.

IG69 with another bad number.

Thanks a lot, man.

That wasn't me.

I know, it wasn't you.

I don't know if James Brown

had Christmas songs.

Did you hear that?

He was like, Christmas!

Do-ba-da-do-ba-do!

Yeah.

That's what he's singing.

Yeah, man.

The people sing, man.

Someone sent a number for 999-9999.

Well, thank you.

Oh, yeah, great.

Thank you, TZY Kids.

This is a prank for a gentleman's club.

999-9999.

Gentlemen.

You know, people here in the UK are going to start going to work soon.

Yeah, so?

And?

What's your point?

It's a good opportunity to catch them.

They were all going to a gentleman's club.

Okay, we got a black guy that goes to Sam Houston State University.

His name is Kentavian Deshawn.

Kentavian.

Thank you.

And he lives in Texas, and Kokanee just woke him up.

Nice.

Anybody want to talk to him?

Tuck's going to do this one.

Tuck.

Oh, God.

Ask him if he's holy, and then you got to be strong, man.

Tell him because he's black, and you heard he's holy because he's black.

Do something edgy, man.

Come on.

Make your life worthwhile.

Hello.

Yo, it's Crack-a-Lack-a, man.

man. Hey, man, this is Tuck.

You holding? Oh, man,

well, that's what I was told, man.

You holding? Is that

no? That's no, okay.

I feel you, man.

That's it. I'm just done.

It's just because you're black.

Hey, Mr. PC,

hibuddies.com, but I won't say anything offensive.

Yeah.

Hello? Yeah, listen, you're black.

I know you have drugs, okay?

Yeah, I know you're black, so you

have marijuanas. Come on, please.

Huh? This is Tuck.

This is Tuck. My name is Tuck, okay?

What's crack-a-lackin'?

Yeah, now listen.

I know you know someone who plays basketball in the park.

Maybe I can get some from you, please.

What about drugs?

There's one in the morning.

Is there anybody you think I can get some from that's black that you know?

Where do black people usually go to in this town?

I'm new here.

We'll even take Shake at this point.

Yeah, whatever.

It's Christmas.

Do you have any K2?

Where can I get K2 at?

so i get some k2 all right and where can i get a bowl a bowl you know like a bowl to smoke it in

and then where can i get the weed oh no are you black no i'm black oh it's even better

yeah yeah okay yeah cocaine then maybe you got some yayo

come on man come on thank you whoever you whoever taught it

What about some heroin or something?

Yeah.

Oh, you smoke weed then?

Yeah.

Come on, man.

We do a lot of heroin, we're just fucking...

I tried horse tranquilizer the other day, that was quite interesting.

How did that come about?

It didn't come.

Where can I get...

Do you get any donkey?

Do you want to get some donkey?

No, he's gone.

You have to have a cup of...

That's awesome.

You know, he says he doesn't do any hard drugs.

well yeah

he ain't a junkie or anything

his name's Contavian what do you expect

he's just a normal guy

help us out man

he's just a normal brother man

see Kokanee sent an update that he was

friends with Taylor

before

Taylor got the job at the McDonald's

that we called

oh man that would have helped out

Maven is questioning my ebonics

in the chat room

are you holding

that's what i heard the same before and it was howard stern does that you know come on

that's he does come on he said that's what it sounded like when he grew up in roosevelt

they'd say that oh when they were beating him up in high school you ever heard the story about

he said a black guy that wanted one of his pants in the class in the middle of class in high school

He was like

Hey man

Give me your pants

He was like

No I can't

I can't give you my pants

I need my pants

Come on man

Give me your pants

And the kid was like

No I need my pants

Like I can't just walk around

With my own pants on

Oh boy

And now we're giving

Those people money

In our country

Oh well you know what

You got all that free labor

Now

Now what

I don't know if there were

Puerto Ricans over there

In uh

What town was that guy

In Texas

Are there Puerto Ricans

In Texas

Yeah

There aren't military

Puerto Ricans everywhere.

Not in Britain.

There's no Puerto Ricans in Britain.

No, you'd be surprised.

No.

I'd be hot in Puerto Rican.

I bet you all the women would be like, oh, boy, you're Hispanic.

You're Puerto Rican.

You sound hot.

I think.

Oh, yeah, I got my Pennsylvania driver's license finally.

I was supposed to get it 20 days after I moved here, and I moved here in April.

Finally went about getting it.

And it's funny because...

You have to change your driver's license if you move from state to state.

Yeah, you do.

The funny thing is

Remember now I'm blind in one eye

And I've reduced vision in my one eye

And I still got a driver's license

I can't drive right now

I know for a fact I would be too scared

To get behind the wheel of a car

I haven't driven a car since April 12th

The day before I almost died

You should get a bike

Oh boy

Is it raining over in Texas?

I mean Pennsylvania

Could be in Texas

Texas could be Texas.

Is it raining in Pennsylvania?

Is it raining?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

It was kind of.

It's raining now?

In New York.

Oh, that's Tabachi.

He lives up the road.

Is it raining now?

I don't know.

I couldn't tell you.

It's pretty wet out there the last time I stepped.

Well, they delivered a pizza yesterday, and it opened the door, and it looked pretty wet and cold.

That was the last time I've been outside.

Oh, God, it was warm today.

Is it going to snow?

Is it supposed to snow at Tabachi at all?

Coming up.

It was like 60 degrees then, man.

I think so.

Oh, good.

I walked home in a t-shirt.

It's my first Christmas up north.

I was hoping for a white Christmas, like the song says.

Nothing.

60 degrees.

I ain't gonna smoke.

Fahrenheit.

I ain't gonna smoke.

A lot of people are allowed to celebrate Christmas, too.

That's like 112 Celsius.

That's...

Yeah.

That's like what we're born like.

When did you move up there?

Me?

Yeah.

Last week of January, I moved up there.

Oh, okay.

And it was around...

Starting around...

I think it was in winter.

Yeah, it was last week of January.

You were talking about shoveling snow

and the first time you ever had to do that in your life.

Yeah, I came up here.

I'd only seen snow twice in my life before.

Oh, wow.

And then I move up here, and it had to be like a huge snowstorm.

I got on the plane like, wow, this is fucking cold.

Why did I quit my job in Orlando and move up here?

You didn't decide to make this decision.

Literally, we came to visit Athena's family.

randomly i shoveled snow and like i had my laptop so let me see what jobs are like up here in this

park you know in pennsylvania and i just put my resume out there and i got a call back before i

even went back down after the vacation was over the guy's like yeah resume seems good want to

interview like yeah sure i met him and i interviewed and everything and then i left and i and as i was

down there the guy called me said yeah you want a job was making like double what i was making

before down in orlando i was like okay sure i guess and he called me like it was a monday

i was at work in orlando and he called me and said you got the job like okay i like called my

wife i'm like well you know um i got a job in pennsylvania it's like okay how much is it paying

like like it's like double what i'm making now it's like okay i guess we're moving like so all

All right, I'm going to quit.

You sure?

He's like, yeah, go ahead.

Got up.

I told my boss, oh, I'm leaving.

He's like, why?

I'm like, well, I got a job in Pennsylvania making doubles.

He's like, yeah, I guess you're leaving.

He wasn't even arguing with me.

He was like, good, man.

He was actually happy for me.

My boss in Orlando is pretty cool.

Francisco's a good guy.

Francisco.

Anyway.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, so I came up here, and as I got off the plane,

that was only my third time seeing snow.

because i remember the middle winter it was when uh me and and uh brad uh and uh pla gang were like

doing fill-in yep shows during that time well see i was i was staying in my in-laws basement

basement so i couldn't do shows there you know right yeah so then i guess awkward he was like

in the basement yeah it was it was awkward yeah yeah my wife wasn't here it was just me

And my in-laws

And they were telling me

You don't have to move out

I got an apartment pretty quick

In a month and a half

I was like look

My mother-in-law was pretty cool

She was like yeah I know you don't want to

She was like I don't blame you

I wouldn't want to stay with my in-laws either

For too long

I was like you guys got your things you want to do

Like sex and I got my things I want to do

Like porn

Let's just go our merry way

And there you go.

There we go.

I got the apartment, right?

And then I had my equipment.

Then my equipment came up here the next week for the show.

And I put it all together.

I did one show, and then I almost died.

There you go.

It was like I did the one show, and that was it.

Madhouse is killing you.

No.

Madhouse, I don't know what.

Bad hoodoo.

Anyway, why are we talking about this?

Yeah, yeah.

It's been a crazy 2011, and it's almost done.

It's ending off pretty good, though, you know?

But jobs are good.

All right.

Alright, so we're caught up.

One more year to go.

One more year to go, I know. Yeah, the countdown started.

I see that we're caught up on the

Request a Prank series, so let's see

these Lonesome Loser

numbers, which I believe

are all UK calls.

Nice.

And we're going to wrap it up.

We're going to wrap it up. I'm going to play

a little bit of Skyrim.

Where do we leave off here?

Yeah, Jim, yeah. I live quite close to you, and I actually just started my own business making biscuits,

and I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to come around and share some biscuits with me together.

I think you've got the wrong number.

Not at all, not at all. This is Thomas Melia, isn't it?

You live at number six, don't you? I live at number three.

Oh, number three.

Yeah, yeah, just quite close to you, and basically, you see, I started the business only yesterday.

Yesterday I started the business and I've just been calling around the road, you know, around Seven Oaks area and just to see if anybody would like to, you know, try some of my biscuits and just enjoy them with me.

You know, just sit down and pleasantly just discuss, you know, just anything and just, you know, have some biscuits.

Yeah, I see.

Yeah.

Would you like to come over?

Pardon?

Would you like to come over now and we could just have some biscuits and dunk them into some tea?

I'm really good at making biscuits.

I'm really, really good.

everybody who's come so far has really enjoyed it and i think you would like it quite a lot

what's your name jim stewart my name is jim stewart jim yeah yeah well certainly not just

now because um i've just got out of bed oh i'm sorry did i wake you did i wake you did i make

you awake yeah oh i'm really sorry but most people actually they get up around five o'clock now

because that's the new time where people get up.

That's the new time what?

That's the new time that people get up in the mornings

because that's the new time.

Five o'clock?

Yeah, five o'clock.

Five o'clock because it's five, isn't it?

It's number five.

That's why people get up at five in the morning.

Well, I don't think everyone gets up at five in the morning.

I was up at half past four this morning, I was,

and I started making some biscuits

because I'm getting some people from the road to come in

and enjoy some of my biscuits later today and you know some some of your neighbors actually

do you know mr cross he's coming as well and mr horse mr horse mr who did you say mr horse

mr horse yeah mr horse yeah like a pony you know and he's coming yeah he's coming in there and

we're gonna have we're gonna have biscuits together where does he live i think he lives

at number 19

19

19 what

yeah

yeah 19

on the same road

at Seven Oaks

yeah

so I think

it's possible then

that you could come today

and we could just

do stunking biscuits

and just really like

talk about things

you know

yeah well I'll think about it then

thanks Ian

bye now

just one more thing

one more thing

just

would you be able to come

possibly this afternoon

would I be able to come

for what

yeah just come

just come round

and I'll show you, like, you know, my biscuits and my testicles, if you like.

Well, I don't know about that.

I don't know.

It depends what I'm doing, my friend.

I think it would be very interesting.

I'll see what I can do.

My testicles are fascinating.

Yeah.

So you should come and have a look.

Definitely come and see them.

I'll let you touch them as well.

You won't?

I'll let you touch them.

Oh, I see.

If you'd like to do that.

I don't know if you'd like to do that.

Fair enough, then.

Thank you, Tommy.

Bye-bye.

What a nice guy

He hung in there for a while

Bully for him

What's he doing in bed

It's 20 to 8

He should be getting ready for work

Lazy ass

Alright who's next

IG69 said he wants to do UK calls

Yep as he said

Ask him if he can smoke weed for free

Yeah

if you look in the chat there in the irc in the irc in the um sky chat it's the next one down

michael bleasdale bleasdale

exactly what you said hey jen and those calls you used to do what was it

what was that from was that your recorder no no no that's um payphones they make that noise

yeah it was kind of weird you were calling from payphones no no no i was calling two

payphones and you still hear the sound because they haven't put any money in

uh well it stopped on inbound calls after like 20 20 seconds or something

okay so well i just sit down it didn't work i'm sorry i don't want to tell you

michael ellis feather

I'm sure he's never gets any uh sort of uh shit for his name like the most straight ever

fuck you want Mike Tucker Roger fucker don't it

mcfucka

don't love a kid

yeah

who had a thousand men

he must've been up the hill

he must've been balling hens

one year up you're off

and one year down you're down

and one year you're half way up you're neither up nor down

what?

who is this?

Goldilocks

I've got three little bears

who?

Goldilocks and the three little bears

and the little biscuit

that she ate

I can't understand you

we're here to rescue you ma'am

if you don't cooperate

you're in danger of losing one penny

are you willing to comply or not?

what do you want, Mike Tucker?

TURN AWAY!

How do you know my name?

How do you know I'm Mike Tucker?

Can you help me?

I'm here to help you.

Calm down.

She's gone.

I don't know what the hell is going on.

Ah, you lost her, man.

You lost her.

She was brilliant.

She would have jumped on me.

She hung in there, though.

Yeah.

She sounded like she was ready to pop, you know?

She hung in there.

Who is this?

What do you want, Mike Tucker?

Oh, shit.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

I love that.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

I don't get it.

Tucker by his name

Sorry

I'm not supposed to use your name

Yeah

No one will ever guess

Alright

Michael Fulker

Michael L

Fulker Tucker

Who's taking Michael L

What happened to Ken

Michael L would like

The Blues Brothers

Yeah like that one

Or the sequel

Blues Brothers 2000

Maybe he wants to get

The band back together

Oh wait a minute

Before we continue

Before we go any further

That reminds me

Very bad movie

Do not watch

Apollo 18

Oh my god

Was that horrible

Yeah

Oh my god

It's like Blair Witch

It's like Blair Witch meets

Apollo 13

I just skipped through it

Oh my god

That was a rough one

I'm glad I didn't pay to see that shit

God that was horrible

I'd go for Pirates Online

Right kids

Yeah exactly

Don't even pirate it

Oh Tintin

Then I watched

Watched All-Star Superman

animated movie. Sucked.

That came out in February. That was horrible.

It was nothing like it.

I read the comic books here.

I got the trade paperback.

Really? It wasn't anything like that?

It was

barely. It was loosely

based on it, if you ask me.

Kind of was. Did you read the

All-Star Superman? You know, the whole thing where he

died, where he was going to die?

No.

That was cool.

Superman was going to die. He saved the sun.

and he had Superman 2

and all that stuff

and he saved Kandor

and all that.

Oh,

it sucked.

Anyway.

Yeah,

and then you know what I saw

for the first time

since I was a kid

was the original Tron.

I saw that yesterday.

That movie's just as bad as this.

I don't know why people are like,

oh,

it's a legend, man.

Oh,

it's an awful movie.

Yeah,

the first Tron was awful.

It was just...

It was so goofy, though, man.

The original was so goofy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,

it's goofy as hell

and the effects are cool

for a time,

but it's awful.

That's about it.

yeah that was it

I remember it sucking

when I was a kid

and it's

yeah I too

and I saw the Neutron

and I really liked

the Neutron legacy

I really liked it

but I didn't know

what the fuck was going on

yeah exactly

I didn't remember

like I know Tron

was the guy

and that was it

it was pretty

to look at

and that was about it

yeah

the Neutron was cool

and I'm a big fan

of Daft Punk

and they had

their music

oh totally

yeah Daft Punk

did the music

yeah that was cool

man that's all

that humanic robot

yeah

Yeah, exactly.

But then I tried to watch the old one

just for good sake, and I was like,

oh my god, this fucking sucks.

This is ass. This is like a bad version

of...

The Tintin movie I saw a part of

and I literally took a nap

midway through it.

That looks like it's crap Tintin.

I don't want to watch that shit.

I just took a sleep.

It was a good nap, too.

I recommend a movie called Drive.

I don't know if you guys have heard about that,

But that's a really good film.

Ryan Gosling, a really fantastic film.

That was Nicolas Cage.

No, no, no.

That's Driver.

Yeah.

Yeah, different film.

Is it?

I don't know.

I just said that.

Anyway.

Okay.

Nicolas Cage could be anything in this.

No, Nicolas Cage, he seems to be like he used to be everywhere.

Not as much.

Not as much anymore, right?

He's just most places now, not everything.

Anyway.

Michael Elwood here.

Who's doing this?

Anybody?

Yeah.

Tabachi.

Oh, yeah.

Tobacco has got it.

I left Tabachi a voicemail yesterday.

I said, hey, Tobacco, what's up?

Or two days ago.

Tobacco.

Yeah, we lost Ken at some point.

What happened?

Hello?

Hey, Mom.

This is Bill from the National Time Squad.

Time is close.

I'm good.

Please adjust your clock.

time to tea hi please adjust your clock it's time for tea mom

i'm sorry i can't hear what you're saying

i am a robot you cannot hear me i am speaking robot like through the computer

so my voice sounds like a robot time for tea tea time mom so big right now dude

She's gone

Yeah, Tabachi, you started coming in really bad

Yeah

You Skyped shit, took a shit

Yeah, it went

It went real packety, man

It felt like I used to from the Virgin Islands

Yeah

Because you're downloading porn, that's why you have to pause it

Oh yeah, my bad

Lay off the gay porn, man

You know, you'll go blind

It doesn't have to be gay

Hey, blind, watch it, man

It's not funny

That's right

You get that sometimes, so

Be careful

You can get blind anywhere you want

Proof

IG-69 is baked.

What did you say, sir?

You better not be, young man.

You didn't go to bed to do your homework.

You're going to end up at Walmart parking lot like Artie.

See what happens?

There's your lesson in life right there.

This is mine.

Harry Crossland.

Cross.

Hello?

Yes.

This is Crossland.

Who?

Crossland.

Harry Crossland.

Sorry?

This is Crossland.

No.

Is Harry there?

No.

What's the meaning of all this?

I don't understand.

I think you've got the wrong number.

No, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Is this 1-2-0?

I think you have the wrong number.

Harry Brayford.

Harry Brayford?

Yeah.

Yes.

Who wants him?

Hey, this is Harry Crossland.

I'm Harry Crossland.

I was confused.

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Where's Harry at?

I don't know Harry Crossland.

Well, I know your husband, Harry.

Well, it's private information.

We're lovers.

Can I speak to him, please?

Hello?

Madam.

What's it about?

It's about a private man matter.

It's a medical issue.

Should I tell you?

Yes.

Hello?

Well, come on.

Damn it.

Call back.

I'm just getting Harry no longer with us.

You don't want him to mood for hash browns.

I'm in mood for hash browns.

Oh, yeah.

With onion.

Scattered, diced, covered.

Smothered.

Yeah, that's how I do it.

Harry!

Yes?

It's about time.

I was trying to call you and your wife didn't let me talk to you.

What's that about?

Oh, right.

Well, listen, I'm calling about the male genitalia.

Hello?

Isn't it amazing?

It's a penis and two testicles, you know?

How it works?

What?

The testicles.

What about it?

Well, it's a beautiful thing.

It's a beautiful part of the body.

It's something that women don't have that we do.

Am I what?

Oh, because the human body.

You know, the man's testicles.

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Sorry, man.

I lost you for a second because my thing is running out of battery.

My wireless headset.

Can you still hear me?

Yes.

Yes, I can.

Yes.

Yeah, I got it.

And they were talking.

I hung it up and they were talking in the background.

I probably could have gotten some more.

A little more juice out of them balls

Let's get Milkman back on the job

Please enjoy the following music

While your party is being reached

Get some more juice out of them

Hey, I got your back there

Sorry, man

I don't know what happened

Now we have Harry Crossland here

If anybody wants to take that

Milkman, you want to do a prank?

You want to talk funny?

Yeah, good

This is always a treat

Because Milkman's like

Oh, I'm drinking milk

I'm drinking that

He's goofy

Listen

His pranks are really cool

Hello

You're not available now

Please read your name

And phone number after the

Milkman

Harry Hogan, it said, though.

It's Hulk Hogan's real name, Harry Hogan.

Now, what's his real name?

Terry Bollea or some shit?

Terry.

Hello.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Well, more calls to the UK coming up.

But in the meantime, let's go ahead and take a break real quick and give a call to our

good friends over at the Genie Bra.

How's that sound?

Genie Bra.

Flip our bra.

I figured we were talking about C-cups and D-cups and stuff, so.

Nah, man.

I wish I got y'all.

Rude, man.

We're calling for the Genie Bra.

The Genie Bra is the ultimate in comfort for a bra.

If you're interested in purchasing a Genie Bra but have a question about our sizes,

please press 1 to hear more information about sizes.

I don't even volunteer to be the human bra.

If you want to place an order for the Genie Bra, please press 2 for questions.

Thank you for calling the Genie Bra.

My name is Ann Quillis, and I share profit handling and quality assurance.

Hi, Ann Quillis.

Yes, you can record me.

That's fine.

I prefer you do.

How may I help you today?

Yes, so the issue that I'm running, we want it for Christmas.

I want to get these bra breast holders for my wife.

She doesn't usually wear breast holder.

Okay.

This is Cross.

My wife's name is Maven.

Now, I want to order.

She hung up.

Damn it.

Wow.

Maybe they're used to Cross.

Calling for the genie bra.

Jack, you want me to pick one for you?

Thanks for calling to order the genie bra.

This is Joanne.

and I'll be helping you today to make sure we provide the best service possible.

This is probably recorded, okay?

Yes.

Oh, oh.

May I have your first name, please?

Oh, this is John.

Your last name, please?

John Maven.

Oh.

Spell your last name for me, please?

Maven.

You want to spell your last name for me, please?

Maven.

Will you please spell it?

M-A-V-E-N.

Maven.

Oh.

Okay, now the Genie Brass Breakthrough Technology does the way with the Warriors.

It breaks through?

That's not what I'm looking for.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Okay, how can I help you?

Yeah, I'm not looking for the one that breaks through in the front.

That's not what I'm looking for.

I saw one on TV that was, like, it was faster to put on.

It was a sling.

It was safer, more comfortable for the woman.

Allow me to give you the information, please, okay?

Don't be rude, Joanne.

You're in line for the infomercial that you're calling in on, okay?

Nasty.

Can I still get this in time for Christmas?

No, sir.

How long does it take to get?

Three to four weeks.

And that's it.

I need to give you a measurement of my wife's breasts, correct?

No.

How do you know which ones to get her?

Her shirt size.

Her shoe size?

Her shoe size.

That doesn't make any sense.

Her shirt size, sir.

Her shoe size?

Well, I think she's a man's 12.

Okay, I'm disconnecting.

No, wait a minute, sir.

Please.

Hello?

Don't go.

Oh, man, that's fair.

You probably don't call talk.

Wait a minute, sir.

I love it.

Call talk?

Yeah.

It seems we've got off on our back.

I get it.

See if we get her back.

What would we get stuck on?

That's like a monkey there, Milkman.

Keep her calling for the genie bra.

This is Joanne.

I'll be helping you today.

Make sure we provide the best service possible.

This call will be recorded, okay?

Okay.

May I have your first name, please?

Yeah, my wife's is like a size 12.

That's all I know.

I don't know if it helps you out or not.

May I have your first name, please?

Oh, John Maven.

Hello.

So there's no wires in this at all?

There's no clips or clamps?

That's correct.

How do you fasten it with a zipper?

Does it have zippers?

I'm disconnecting.

No, come on, lady, you stupid Puerto Rican.

What's your problem?

Fucking spigwad.

I'm tired of these fucking Ricans, man.

She is Puerto Rican.

I know she is.

I'm just saying that.

You need to find out if, you know, you get a woman that would fit a man,

And, you know, to give you support, man, Jack, my friend, Jim.

Thank you for calling for the Genie Bra.

Speaking of bras, talk us back.

Hello, and thank you for calling to order Genie Bra.

My name is Linda, and I'll be helping you place your order today.

For quality purposes.

Hi, Linda.

I was wondering, this guy, I was feeling kind of down the other day,

so I was walking along the beach in California,

and this surfer guy came up to me, and I'm like,

Hey, dude, I need something to fulfill some wishes.

wishes I was like you need a genie bra and I'm like oh my god I saw a commercial for that I was

like could this grant me three wishes the genie bra are you calling to place an order today yeah

but first I need to know how many wishes it'll grant me sorry I need to know how many wishes

it will grant me and if I can ask for more wishes or not because it's a genie right okay I don't

know what you're talking about are you calling to place an order for the I'm calling a place

an order give me the phone son I'm sorry it's my son he's playing with the phone I'm sorry I

I told him the dollar number.

Listen, I need to make an order.

Oh, hello, sir?

Sir?

What is your deal, IG-69?

Calling for the Genie Bra.

The Genie Bra is the ultimate in comfort for a bra.

If you're interested in purchasing...

Don't mess with IG-69.

Let me have a go.

Let me try this.

Hello, thank you for calling the Genie Bra.

My name is Hank Fuller.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance,

this call will be recorded.

Okay?

Excellent.

Yes, excellent.

What's your name again, sorry?

my name is

Sanquillo

yes

what the hell

kind of a name is that

I can't pronounce that

she's gone

let's go again

let's try

I was gonna ask you

if the bra makes a woman

nicer

you know

nicer

calling for the genie bra

the genie bra

the ultimate

in comfort

for a bra

if you're interested

in purchasing a genie bra

yeah yeah yeah

I have a question

obviously

let me try again

sorry

thank you for calling

the genie bra

my name is Sanquillo

paying a share

for all free handling

scheduling quality assurance yeah yeah you said all that last time why why did you hang up hello

hello because because when you had said what you said i had the right to hang up oh okay i'm sorry

i did not mean to you know get on your whatever i didn't uh you know mean to offend you i just

said it was very difficult to pronounce your name i'm sorry because i didn't understand what you

said there was no need for you to hang up that's very rude you know i'm a customer i know what you

said sir are you trying to order today yeah no i'd like to get a little bit more information

first if that's possible yeah okay so i no i don't care what i can get i want to know about

the uh the actual product now does it uh have any kind of effect you know does it is it effective

have you had a lot of feedback have you had feedback feedback from people you know customers

who have purchased this who are happy hello what the fuck no no no that is so rude uh she is rude

they're rude they're very rude there you know who's even rude is a health master people i got

this health master they're mean if you're calling for the genie bra the genie bra is the ultimate

in comfort for a bra if you're interested in purchasing a oh thank you for calling hello

now listen hold on i've had just about enough of this hello hello yeah she's hung up straight away

i'm sorry all customer service representatives are

A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.

I'm the jackass yelling at you.

Oh, my God, somebody keeps calling.

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Hello?

Yes, thank you for calling to order the Genie Bra.

My name is Arlette, and I'll be helping you today.

Yes, you may be helping me.

I'm trying to get some further information on the bra.

Have you had a lot of feedback from people who have purchased it?

I've had good feedback, yes.

And what kind of feedback?

What is the result?

Well, most everybody that has ordered it has loved it.

Excellent.

And what kind of things does it do for a woman?

Well, there's no lines.

There are no bulges, no underwires.

So it's great.

And what does it do for a man?

Well, I don't know about a man now.

Yeah, but I mean, if it does something for a woman,

you know, it must be doing something for the man as well.

Hello?

She killed it.

They're rude there.

Find out if it'll shut off metal detectors when it goes to the airport.

for it. She was funny. She's like, nah.

They keep squeezing them up. She's like, nah, honey,

I don't know what you're doing, old man.

They had a seminar about this

exact example.

They all sound like a bunch

of feminists. They had an entrance

lesson

film scenario.

They all sound like a bunch of feminists there.

It's written out in a list of

things to avoid.

Are you popping bubble wrap

or what the hell is that noise?

PVC pipe. What is that?

There's some electronic

busy-busy going on.

Yeah.

Hold on a second.

Don't talk.

Yeah, I can't.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, my friend,

he was popping some sort of

bubble wrap or something.

I don't know what the hell

was that about.

Hello?

What's assholes?

God.

Yeah, you're not going to

get much out of them

because they're all sitting

in the same office

so they're all in cahoots

with each other.

No, this is the health masters.

Let me try this.

Oh, okay.

This is somebody else.

Well, so could be the same people.

Man, I've heard nothing but bad shit.

Thank you for calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.

This is Brandis to ensure proper handling and quality assurance.

Yeah.

Yes.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance.

Yeah.

Can you hear me?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I hear you.

Okay.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance, this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Mm-hmm.

May I have your first name?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

This is Will.

Okay.

Last name?

And your last name?

Maven.

Can you spell that for me, please?

M-A-V as in victory E-N.

Okay.

Now, when you put this thing on the machine

And it goes fast, right?

And it goes like that

It does that thing where it goes around

And you put the things in it, right?

Um, I'm not sure

You make the colors go

Honestly, I'm not sure

Well, what is it they tell you to say, honey?

Baby, sweetie

Um, um

Do you like it?

Huh?

Do you like it?

Do I like the offer?

The product itself?

Hoss?

Yes

Well, I've never used it before

Hoss?

You haven't?

No, no, sir

What's up, girl?

That's cool. You don't, like, use the blender?

Well, I've never bought it before. I've never used it before.

How do you make your drinks?

I buy a blender from the store, like Dollar General or...

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Do you like the Dollar General? That's what you get?

Yes, sir.

Okay. You put some ice in that?

Yes, sir.

And, like, what do you recommend? Like, Alizé? Do you make frozen margaritas or what do you do?

you oh i'm not sure i'm not a drinker oh what do you blend what do you make like smoothies or

milkshakes with ice cream and fruit do you like whoppers the candy whoppers you ever had the

whoppers those malt balls they come in they come like a little milk carton they're like these

chocolate um like round ones you know i'm talking about no sir i've never had them before well i

want you to go you go to the store and you get whoppers okay they're like in a blood and uh

in a box right you get you put yourself a box of whoppers right and you put yourself about two

scoops of ice cream okay and then you put yourself some ice in there also and some milk all right

like three cups of milk and you blend that all right okay sir would you would you like to or

would you like to uh would you like to buy the health master yeah but you think it'll work out

we'll be able to grind that up i'm sorry what was that horse hello yes what was that i'm sorry

Do you mean horse?

Horse?

Yeah, will we be able to grind it up?

Do you think that we'll be able to take the ice and all that?

I'm not sure.

The Health Master is a great way to eat healthy and reach a goal of living well by preparing whole fresh fruit, foods, and minutes.

Today, you'll get the Living Well Health Master, the Super Slim Meat Diet Plan, and four recipes.

Huh?

Sir?

Yes?

Today, you'll get the Living Well Health Master, the Super Slim Meat Diet Plan, and four recipe books all for just $49.99 plus processing and handling.

Is there something wrong with your phone?

There's something wrong with me.

I think I'm having a stroke.

Sir, if you're having a stroke, I suggest that you call 911.

No, tell me more about those health masters.

The health master is available in black, red, and white.

How many would you like in each color?

Fifteen.

You want to buy fifteen in each color?

Forty-five.

Three times fifteen is probably forty-five.

Did they teach you that?

Yes.

Nine times.

I can't put in fifteen.

Nine times five.

You can get up to nine if you like.

I will now put on my associate, Marvin the Martian.

Go ahead.

Yeah, hi there.

This is Marvin the Martian.

How are you?

I would like to buy.

Hello.

Yeah, I would like you to explain to me what you explained to my colleague there.

Okay, the health master is a great way to...

The health master.

We would like to buy the health master.

The health master.

Okay, how many would you like in each color?

There's black, red, and white.

How many would you like in each color?

Fifteen of each unit, please.

Okay, it doesn't go up to 15, it goes up to 9.

So if you like 9 in each color...

If you take a 9 and then you put another 9 on top of that 9 and you take away 3, then you have 15.

Yeah, but I can't put in 15.

Yeah, you don't have to put in 15, you put 2 times 9 minus 3.

It won't allow me to put in the number 15.

Can you type the word, hello, can you type the word pony into your system there?

What do you want, Mike Tucker?

Hello?

Sir?

Yeah, pony, pony.

It won't let me go to 15, but it will let me go to 9, if you would like 9 as a quantity.

No, I would like 15. I don't know why you keep saying 9 for. I don't want 9, I want 15.

Well, it won't allow me to put in 15.

Look here, I want you to make 15, okay? I don't care how you make 15, you just have to make 15, okay?

Okay, would you like 15 in each color, or 15 in all?

No, I would like 15 in each color. One in red, one in black, and one in green.

Okay, it won't allow me to put in the number 15.

Okay, but I don't understand what that means, okay?

Okay, because you have 15 is a number, okay?

1, 2, 3 is a number, okay?

15 is a number, so make 15.

I don't care how you make 15, like 3 times 5,

or if you want to do, like, I don't know, 10 plus 5,

or if you want to do 2 times 9 minus 3,

I don't care how you get to 15, but I want 15, okay?

You understand?

15 divided by 9.

Um, sir, it would not let me put in the number 15.

I'm getting really angry now with the whole thing, dear.

Okay, I'm sorry that you feel that way, sir.

But I'm not allowed to put in...

It won't allow me to put in the number 15 as a quantity.

But if you allow me to put in 5, then you can get 15 in all.

Yeah, yeah, put in 5. Put in 5, okay?

Okay.

I would like 5 of each one.

Okay. So you can't order more than three?

I don't understand. I don't understand.

What the hell is going on over there?

You can order nine right now, and then you can call back and order another set of nine.

If you would like.

So you would like three? Yeah, I would like three.

I would like three times nine.

Three is the magic number. Yes it is. You get three in a family.

Lady, what the hell is going on with your phone?

Um, I don't think that there is anything wrong with my phone, sir.

I think there is something going on with your phone. I can hear noise.

It sounds inappropriate.

Yes, I don't think that is my phone.

Yeah, but it's certainly not my phone. It must be your phone.

okay it's gone okay i don't know what it won't allow it won't allow me to put three

in now it will okay i don't care okay i don't care first you can't put 15 now you can't put

three now you can't put nine i don't care what you do i just want to get one of these things

and i just want to i want to sit on it okay it's a magic number yes it is are you taking

Yes, three in a family.

What is our today's Germany?

Not again beautiful and glorious.

If I look at you, I know my life's fight is not for nothing.

Lady, what the hell is going on over there?

There's nothing going on over here, sir.

There's something going on over there, and you're playing the things to me on the phone.

The voices of Hitler, and I'm really offended.

Can I talk to your manager?

Sir, my manager is not in right now. You don't have anything playing as of right now.

I think that there was somebody else online who was playing and pranking. I'm not sure what's going on here.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on here either. I think you're making a prank call to me. Why are you doing that?

I'm not making a prank call, sir.

You're making a prank call to me? Why are you gonna make a prank call to me?

I'm not making a prank call.

You're making a prank call to me.

Why are you doing that?

Why are you calling me and making a prank call?

I'm not making a prank call.

You're making a prank call.

Why are you making a prank call to me?

You know, I'm Marvin.

You don't make a prank call to Marvin.

I'm a cool guy.

You don't got to call me and make a prank call.

What's wrong with you?

Who do you think you are?

You're making a prank call to me.

Sir, would you like to continue with the order?

I want to know why you're making a prank call to me.

I'm Marvin.

Please make the call, please.

Lady, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to be angry with you, okay?

I'm not prank calling you, sir.

You're making a prank call on me.

I don't need to be prank called.

I'm a real man.

I'm Jim Stewart, okay?

I'm a man, okay?

You don't want to prank call a man, okay?

A man to prank call a woman, okay?

But not a woman to prank call a man.

I'm going to be angry with you for the rest of my life, okay?

Okay, sir.

I'm really angry with you.

You want to make a prank call on me?

Why you got to do that, huh?

Sir, would you like to continue with your order?

I'm not making an order.

You're making a prank call.

Why you got to do that to me?

Sir, I'm not prank calling you.

You're going again with the noises.

What the fuck is going on here?

Sir, I want to ask you to not curse at me.

I'm not cursing at you.

I'm cursing with you, okay?

Listen, lady, you're making a prank call to me, okay?

This is not good.

This is not good for my rage, okay?

I'm going to kill something, okay?

I'm going to squash a fly or something.

I'm going to get real angry.

sir i'm going to hang up now why are you gonna make a prank call

and then hang up what's wrong with you i'm not prank calling sir you're making a prank call

i'm real angry i'm gonna make a complaint against your manager and i'm gonna have your business

shut down. Sir, would you like to

continue with your order or not? No.

I want an apology from you.

I'm not prank calling you, sir.

I want you to apologize. I want you

to say I'm really sorry and all

that. Sir, I don't have anything

to be sorry for. You need to apologize.

I'm sorry, but I don't have...

I'm not prank calling you. What the hell are you doing?

You're making a prank call to me.

You're going to apologize right now.

Okay, sir. I'm going to hang up

now. Thank you for calling me. You're going to apologize

Apologize right now.

If you hang up, I'm going to be angry.

Have a great holiday and happy new year.

Yeah.

Wow.

You guys fucking ruined it.

You're making fucking noises.

We didn't ruin it because she didn't hang up.

Yeah, well.

I have an idea.

It's a good idea.

What's your idea?

I have a broken leg.

Can the health master heal me?

She did sound really nice.

I gotta admit, she sounded really nice.

She actually sounded cute.

I like to kiss her private parts.

That's all.

You're a sweetheart.

Thank you for calling about the Montel Williams Health Master.

This is Marcy.

To ensure proper handling...

No!

...this call will be recorded.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, is it okay if I record it also?

Hello?

Hey, I'm hearing them.

To ensure proper handling and quality assurance,

this call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Absolutely not.

Okay.

Get it?

Proper handling?

Absolutely not.

I'm recording you too, ma'am.

You can play that game, okay?

So get your facts straight.

All these are better than D&LBs combined.

Let's play the game.

All right?

No, she killed it, mate.

Oh.

It's over.

You want to call that guy Harry Hood?

Harry Hood?

Who?

Yeah, the English guy, the British guy.

Oh.

Yeah, we can do that.

Harry Hood.

Literal Hood.

Okay, here we go.

So I'm going to get this going, right?

I'm going to be really angry.

I'm going to start screaming at him.

Fucking bastard.

There we go.

You sound like a Jersey Shore guy

Get ready

Hello, Harry

Yeah

Yeah, listen, boy

It's Mr. Stewart here

You live at number 56, don't you?

Yes

Right

I was pulling out

You know Lays Road, don't you?

You know where the roundabout is

At the bottom of the road?

Yeah

Right

I pulled out of the junction

To go into Lays Road, right?

And you fucking idiot

You cut me off

I was on my motorbike

And you didn't even see me

I don't do motorcars

You're fucking

You fucking lying bastard.

You want to lie to me as well.

I come up there, I punch your tooth.

You can't fucking talk to me like that.

You fucking, oi.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you talking about?

I'm not fucking talking about it.

I was on my bike on Lays Road,

came off the fucking junction,

and you fucking cut me off, you wanker.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

How do you mean cut you off?

You fucking cut me off, didn't you?

I fucking nearly fell off my fucking bike, you cunt.

You fucking idiot.

You were looking at the car.

Shut up, I'm fucking saying.

You nearly cut me off when I saw you walking into your house.

I know it's you, you fucking cunt.

I know it's you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I really don't.

You fucking do.

See, you're just saying that, yeah, to try and get out of it.

I know people like you, yeah.

You are an absolute animal, okay?

You mean I cut you off walking?

I'm going to, listen, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to punch your tooth.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You were- I caught you off-walking, I caught you off with a car and a what?

You were- Yeah, you were walking, you idiot! You were walking out there, you didn't even fucking see me!

I fucking- I nearly- I came off my bike, you wanker!

Fucking hell, you nearly killed me, I nearly killed you!

You've held the line.

7 before and then they'll pick up again, usually.

Uh, alright, get it.

Throw him again. That was pretty funny.

That wasn't too bad, but you need to get the right person. If they had a car, if they had a car, shit.

I like that voice, that's awesome.

You call it now.

Yeah, we'll pick up.

Old people?

That's awesome.

Try again, but this time we'll do the next one.

I like that accent.

That whole voice.

You need a character.

Yeah, Angela Stewart.

We're still going to be...

Angela Stewart.

Yeah, wicked.

Angela Stewart.

I'll try it, but I don't know if this will work.

It depends if they've got a car as well.

I like how there was a roundabout.

I don't know if you planned that or not, but that's pretty funny.

Is this a shot in the...

Hello?

Hello Angela

No she's not here

Yeah well she fucking better be

She nearly fucking cut me off the road this morning

She nearly cut me off the road this morning

Cut you off the road?

Yeah cut me off the fucking road

I was on my bike

And she fucking swerved out in front of me

My Angela?

Yeah your fucking Angela yeah

Oh no my daughter doesn't drive

She fucking does

She fucking went out in front of me

No she does not

She fucking does don't lie to me

I'll come over there

I'm telling you, he does not drive.

I'm fucking telling you, she fucking pulled out.

It must have worked out to be a hog.

You get the whole East Enders going on there,

or whatever that soap opera is.

What's the one with the bar?

British people, online.

Tell me.

East Enders or something?

British people know what I'm talking about.

I have no idea what you're saying.

I'm joking.

You live there, you don't know.

I'm joking.

What was the question?

what's the soap opera with the bar and they're they're like they talk like oh that's uh do shut

up no no i don't know because i don't i don't have a tv so i don't watch tvs oh do shut up

yeah do you have a tv no oh uk 10 left i forgot it was like three hours ago

go to bed and you're gonna work she's not gonna she's not gonna pick up

welcome people damn i love how i love how she nearly flipped out

she's about to break the bottle and cut you in the head oh my god you got any

uh no yeah maybe i don't know we're calling robin alderson i don't know if this is in the

list or not but i i don't see it in the list robert alderson you taking this i don't want

This is awesome.

Okay, let me do it again.

It's awesome.

Robert, yeah?

Did you just...

Listen, where...

What's your car?

You've got the wrong number.

I fucking haven't.

It's your fucking car.

Excuse me.

Who are you fucking to?

You've got the wrong number.

Are you fucking staring at me?

You fucking animal.

That's awesome.

People are falling for the Hookland Synchro.

He's just, like, upset.

It's beautiful, man.

The man of a thousand actions.

Oh, God.

Robert Alcock.

Alcock. I posted him in there, Jen. This is great.

Yeah, I saw it. I saw it. Are you going to ring it back?

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to do the Alcock. Do you see the Alcock?

We'll try this one.

What the fuck was that?

You do it one more time, my Jim.

That's enough.

Hello. Your call cannot be answered.

So please leave your message after the tone.

Hang up.

Alcock. Robert.

Try Alcock one more time, and then we'll do the next one.

Alcock.

Lester or whatever.

It'd be better if I knew what kind of car they were driving.

You're Robert's wife, right? Now listen to me very carefully. I know it was you. Do not deny it, okay? You are a liar, a cheat, and a filthy animal, okay? You cut me off the road, okay? I know it was you because you walked right back into your house after you did it.

When?

This morning.

I've not been out this morning.

You're a fucking, see, this is what I mean. You are a fucking liar. You are an animal and a liar.

What's your name?

Mr. Stewart.

Mr. who?

Mr. Stewart.

Mr. Stewart?

Yeah.

Where do you live, Mr Stewart?

I live at number 16.

16 where?

Hargreaves Road.

I've not been out the door.

You are a liar.

You are a liar and a cheat and an animal, okay?

I know it was you.

I saw you.

Right, so you live at Hargreaves?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Okay, well, I can assure you I have not been out the house this morning.

You are a liar.

You are lying to me.

Why do you want to lie in my face?

Do you want me to come over there?

Okay, then.

I'll speak to my husband and then we'll sort this out.

Let me talk to him.

He's not here.

Well, then you are a liar, because you cut me off!

I've not been out the bloomin' house!

You are a fucking liar! You are an animal-ending liar!

Alright, goodbye.

Fuck off.

No, she's too friendly. She's kinda nice, actually, that way.

Who's that? I thought that was the same lady. I thought it was shit.

No.

That was him.

You know, call that house back, pretending to be, uh, the mental home owner of, uh,

Jim Stewart, and that he's now supposed to be near a phone.

Uh-huh.

Or something.

Are you doing this?

I'll do it. I'll do what he's on.

She's not going to pick up.

Oh, look at that.

She's not picking up.

Yes, hi.

This is Terry Lester.

I'm here at the warden here at the hospital.

Did you just get a threatening phone call from Jen Stewart?

I did, yeah.

I'm very sorry.

He's a little angry.

He says you cut him off.

I cut him off?

He says you cut him off.

Let's see.

Where's he ringing from?

He's at number 16.

I don't cut him off.

I put the phone out because it was a threatening phone call.

And he started telling me I put him out of the house and not being out of the house.

Well, he's really upset.

and I already gave him his injection and his pills

and he's not calming down any.

I already gave him his injection and his pills

and he's not calming down any.

I don't know what I'm going to do with him.

Well, I don't know what to do with him either,

but I'll be ringing the police if he rings me again.

Well, his father, if his father finds out what's happened,

you're going to be in big trouble is all I've got to say.

Okay, well, thank you anyway for ringing.

Well, please don't.

Okay, don't hang up.

Can you fix this?

Can you come over here and fix this, please?

No, I can't.

Come down and I'm going to ring the police.

No, I'm not coming over anywhere.

I am on my way to work.

Is Robert there at all?

He's the person that did this then, you're saying?

No, he's not

Well, wait a minute, where is he now then?

He's not there, he got in his car and he did this

I'm not talking to you, I'm on my way to work

I'm really, really busy, I'm sorry

But I can't talk to you anymore

It was your husband that did it, wasn't it?

Where can we reach your husband? What's his phone number? Give it to me now

No, I won't give you any of his phone number now

I command you in the name of the United States of America

To give me your phone number

His phone number, in the name of the United States of America

I command you to give me his phone number.

Right, I'll have to let go now, thank you.

Yeah, stupid.

You happy?

Could you still hear me in the background?

Yeah, I can hear you.

It was beautiful, man.

It sounded like you were back in the same room.

Yeah, he's having a fit over there.

Who are you calling now?

This is Terry Lester.

You want me to do it?

Hello, Terry?

Hi, Merry Christmas.

Are you a woman?

I am.

You're Terry, and your name is, and you're a woman?

That's a man's name.

Oh, who are you?

Huh?

I'm Robert Alcock.

What do you want?

Well, Colin, I'm finding out about your bra size.

What is it? Is it a B or a C or a D?

Could you tell me?

I know what.

Well, your bra size.

I'm trying to find out so I can send your Christmas gift.

I'm going to send you some bras.

Oh, are you? That's really nice of you.

Well, how big are your breasts? Tell me.

Are they D's? No? C's?

Big flop? Where you at? C's?

No? Do you soap them up ever in the shower?

Look at them?

Do they have big salami nipples?

Oh, stupid. Stupid. I'm sorry.

Oh, shit.

Does she have poppy nipples?

salami nipples guys all right uh well listen i got four more numbers in the uk we can either

call a night i got one two three four four more yeah four more you tell me uh my voice is starting

to hurt to be honest with you yeah i'm starting to get a headache i think i think it's time it's

over it's over time's up sorry guys all right done all right well then ig69 you have yourself

a great night sir thank you but uh yeah merry christmas bye i didn't i didn't celebrate

christmas so i can't really wish you a merry christmas you don't celebrate christmas they

you're a christian what i'm not christian who the fuck told you that were you atheist or something

no not at all i'm just i'm not a christian okay okay all right good luck with that each each to

their own i mean i'm not gonna celebrate ramadan either i'm not a muslim so oh all right i see

you're those nazi guys that celebrate yeah yeah exactly yeah it's a big occult okay no i'm kidding

well whatever no that's whatever you want to not celebrate or celebrate that's cool all right

That was good.

All right.

Well, hey, whatever.

We're done.

Milkman, did you want to leave?

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you going to do the show next week?

Yes.

That's the plan.

Yeah.

What is it?

I'll come on next week and we'll do some screaming and shouting.

Good.

Yes.

That was fun.

I really liked that voice.

Milkman, you ready to take us out of here, man?

I'm going to do your thing.

Yes.

Do it.

Take us out of here.

All right, man.

It's been an incredible show, huh, lovers and fans of the Madhouse?

Man, what an extraordinary show.

I hope you liked our Christmas gift presentation there.

Featuring the awesome Carlito

The immense, amazing

Man of a thousand million accents

The Gene Stewart

What a show

I'd also like to thank everybody else that joined in

I think UK Ted

I don't know if we got Ted Webb in there

But I heard some other people in there

Hardy man, I hope you get these cigarettes

We sent to your commissary when you're in jail

Good luck there buddy

And I'd like to thank everybody in our chat

Swartmaven, oh my god

We love you, thank you for returning

MadHouseLive.com, and we do that all for you.

That's right.

We do it free, and that's right right in your ear balls, man.

We just ask that you give us the time, and we'll drop the dime,

and we'll have all your friends, we'll have all your enemies laughing

and joining in right here in the Madhouse.

Why?

Because we love you.

That's right.

Incredible, wonderful.

Thank you all, and wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Could not go forward without the man himself, Mr. Generalissimo,

Timo was a mad hermanito so much.

And the numbers hit, man, of course.

We cannot do without the Lonesome Loser.

We love you guys so much.

Thank you so much for giving us a bright Christmas.

And God bless.

And if you don't have a God, then may you find peace in this wonderful season.

To you, big hermanito.

Thank you.

All right, good.

That's great.

Well, thank you, Milkman, for being on.

Jen, thanks for being on.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks for having me.

Never mind.

I don't care.

I hope you're not getting any gifts for Christmas because you're not Christian, okay?

Yeah, I'm not getting any gifts, don't worry.

Good, all right.

I'm not giving any either, though.

That's the point of the day.

Jerk.

TuckerMike.com.

HiBuddies.com.

Merry Christmas.

What is Navidad?

I don't think it's here.

All right.

Thanks to Lonesome Loser.

Sorry, you sent me some last numbers there, last-minute numbers.

I couldn't get to them.

Sorry, man.

Next week.

Big thanks to Ken, who was on, UK Ted on earlier, IG69, everyone who was on, Tabachi.

You know who you are.

Everyone who sent in numbers tonight also.

Most of them already mentioned, but everyone else, that was fun.

And as normal, everybody else, everyone that we pranked tonight, thank you.

This show will make it to the podcast within the next few days.

Good, I'm looking forward to that.

I'm going to download it.

Awesome.

We'll be back next week.

Jen Stewart will be joining us, Milkman and others, the last show of the year.

yeah it's gonna be

an extra special show

we hope that Ted Webb

is gonna come as well

yes

that's right

try to get a hold on

for you

alright

goodnight everybody

Merry Christmas

see you next week

bye

fucking animals

fucking right

Calls (37, 1 h 40 min of 4 h 50 min)

Transcript

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