Madhouse Meatspin Radio

Man, there's some faggot shit on here, man.

There's some faggot shit.

What do you tell us all about it?

I'm gonna fuck you with a John Holmes deal, though.

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

The motherfucking...

Oh, yeah.

How's it going, buddy?

What do you say there?

What do you say there, you big bastards?

You sons of bitch.

I'm glad to see you all here.

Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Live.

Whatever you call it.

Madhouse.

I don't know.

Different things to say.

You can call it whatever you want.

I don't care.

I'm Carlito, I'm the guy.

I'm the dude in the chair with the hat.

Over on the Skype machine, satellite link up is the Milkman.

Milkman, hi, Milkman.

Good to hear you're a little excited, man.

I got a feeling this is just a feeling, but it's a prediction.

Good night, man.

What, baby?

Yay, Milkman.

We got short tonight, big brother.

Yeah, I'm doing good.

Milkman, you used the toilet yet tonight?

I had a hoopie.

You did?

That's good.

Me too, man.

I made an hoopie.

I'm at a very dense shit

I've been having something weird

Milkman I don't know if you know about this

You're a very healthy man

My poo's been coming out like really dense

Like rocks

Do you have any suggestions for that?

What can loosen up my bowels?

You'd be hydrated dude

You're not getting enough moisture

You're waiting too long to go

Probably waiting too long to go

Maybe that's why I have a headache all the time lately

I've been having a lot of headaches

I got one right now

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, right.

You think?

Because that is actually a poison to your body, okay?

And, like, if you wait to go, what it does is it reabsorbs that water,

but it also keeps you in contact longer with what you're trying to get rid of,

which is considered a poison to your own body.

That's why it's got to go.

It's got to go, man.

You've got to get the poison out, Northman.

I hear you, man.

You've got to suck it out.

That's right.

I might have to have Athena suck the poison out like a snake, but...

Then do the paperwork for Man Simple.

No, she's sucking out the poop out of my ass.

I don't think she has to do any paperwork then, right?

Poopy-oopy, buddy.

Thank you, Milkman.

You've become a five-year-old.

Thank you.

All right.

You sound like my five-year-old nephew.

Poopy.

That's his favorite joke is poopy caca.

I'm only five years old.

Don't make fun of me.

Yeah.

We got a lot of things that I'm excited about.

We got a lot of pranks to play.

We're not going to do nothing but play pranks.

We're going to have live pranks, of course.

the beginning um there's not really there's not really nothing in the news that i want to talk

about god damn it that song it was so fucking loud i gotta take that out anyway excuse me so

we um i did want to play our prank from last week at some point milk band you were around for that

one yes the pizza delivery prank the high risk delivery very a lot of feedback during the weekend

on that one i was very happy with it i finally say so myself great great prank call one of the

the best that we've ever done here i think on madhouse as a whole it was good a lot of people

in the chat room people are starting to show up send in your prank request we got a several prank

requested pranks already be sure to send those over at madhouse live.com we are on the extended

madhouse radio network uh that's uh here in madhouse live.com of course also cacti radio

and cactus cactus and blue planet prank hosting call network

big ted uh he tuned in i believe before he said he was yes sir he said he would be yeah man i love

ted oh man it's so good to hear him man i hope he gets back here tonight yeah man sounds good um

also i wanted to mention i've been trying to plug this for jen as much as possible everybody when

when you get a chance go to uh be sure to uh add jim stewart's um fan page on facebook uh go ahead

and click on the like button over on the jim stewart uh fan page he's starting to let it spread

like wildfire like uh what's better than jim and juice nothing you know god yeah and well hey i came

up with uh i thought i came up with a drink on thanksgiving and i made a mistake i was listening

into that thanksgiving show this last weekend and i wanted i i was i made a stupid mistake i i said

that i uh was drinking a gin and tonic and i added peach i said i added peppermint schnapps to it and

what i added was peach schnapps but man it tastes it tastes really good and i found i thought i

invented it but it's actually a drink it's called the uh um it's called the it's called a peach

blossom oh yeah is it a fuzzy that's not a fuzzy navel fuzzy navel is like an orangey thing isn't

it for peach yeah i think you're right man i'm not an opti man so i don't know if you're right

i don't know much but i looked it up um it's called a peach uh peach blossom because you

know gin blossom and peach yeah so they call it a peach oh it's really good i'm telling you when

you when you make a gin and tonic add just a little bit of uh peach schnapps and wow great

stuff good first date drink man the new mojito for the night mikey went to an answer it's a

a good first date drink mikey 129 is it a good drink to drop a roofie in that's what i do want

to ask you one thing man we never did cover and i never got a chance i didn't remember until now

man did you guys have coquito this year uh my parents did in orlando i did not there's yeah

there's a dearth of uh puerto rican stuff here in this town that i live in no pastelas for me

this holidays and no coquito man uh well hey i do have news for you um i'm i'm working downtown

downtown you know that's the in the city that i work in i'm working in and it's not much of a

downtown but it's a downtown area and i haven't had any real latino food puerto rican food in a

while and i was walking and i saw arepa city like arepa like what south americans eat and i walked

i walked in it's a venezuelan um restaurant but they have some puerto rican stuff and i had

tostonis i had tostonis for the first time in a year uh i was excited about that and they also

They also had fried yucca, and I thought about Milkman.

Oh, my God, no, no, no, yucca?

Yeah, they have fried yucca.

I didn't try it yet, but I was like, oh, shit, fried yucca.

And I was like, milkman, shit.

Oh, that's one of my ultimate favorite.

Yucca and green fig, man.

Those are one of my two ultimate favorites.

Yeah, man.

Ted is in the chat room.

Ted is saying, Mauderchud, it's funny, the place that I work at,

I think there's only four Americans, including me there.

Everyone else is Indian.

and all i do all day is just think about bhenchod and calling them bhenchod madhurcha just for joke

and um but they're really cool man and then one of them was talking to me and my co-worker

and he said he was going to make chicken and i said chicken tikka masala he goes yeah you know

you know indian food like yeah chicken tikka masala i said chicken tikka masala

papa dobs pilau rice he's like yeah yeah yeah and i did because you know when i do my calls

of the Indian places, I always say that.

I ordered chicken tikka masala,

papadums, pilau rice,

and then bhenchod.

That's the fourth one.

I was laughing to myself. I told Athena about that.

She laughed. She thought it was funny too.

There you go. The bases of the pyramid, man.

Food groups.

You've got to cover all your bases.

Even your sister fucker.

Hey, so speaking of which,

Jen Stewart and Indians

wanted to bring up here

that Jen Stewart also has a new

new YouTube channel.

Dude, you're so awesome, man.

Now, I told you about Milkman. Did you get a chance

to listen to them, or have you not?

Yes, dude. The guy is sick, man.

I love him, man. He's so cool, man.

He's on the tube.

He is. He is definitely on the ball

and on the tube. This is one of the

shorter ones. This one is called Family Fucker.

Later on, there's

a funnier one.

Nunu said I should play this one, but it's

one with older people.

but I want to play family fucker first

and we'll play the other one later

everyone be sure to go to Jin Stewart's

YouTube channel

he says Jin Stewart on YouTube

subscribe to his page

what I want to say

listen everyone was listening to the podcast

or live

Jin was gone for a while

he got a little disillusioned

it took me a while

I had to groom him

into coming back on Madhouse

and he fell back in love with Prank Calls

and he's doing really good.

All these pranks that he posted are really good

and he does some good pranks on our show.

He's excited about it.

He knows the job, man, with computers and all that stuff.

Exactly.

But everyone, be sure to support him as a community.

Let's all support Jen Stewart so that he stays excited

and he keeps providing us with good Prank Calls.

He's a member of our family here at Madhouse.

Yeah, some people are asking,

he's not going to be here for the next few weeks

because he is um he's an athlete he doesn't want us to say what sport he is but he's training for

the olympics actually i'm not joking when i say that um no he's in like extreme shape yeah he's

like he's an athlete yeah he's very skilled yeah he's very skilled at what he does more than yeah

he is and as you all know the olympics are in 2012 in london and he's actually a part of one

one of the U.K. teams.

We're not supposed to say what sport it is,

but his real name isn't Jim Stewart, of course.

I mean, you're not going to be watching, you know, NBC,

and, like, it says, you know, Jim Stewart.

You're not going to see that, but you're not even going to know it's him.

But he's in busy, intensive training right now,

so that's why he's not going to be with us for the next few weeks.

That's why when you hear him on the show and he's like, you know,

I'm up, I've got to go to training, you know,

but I can be around for a while.

That's what he's talking about.

But, hey, blah, blah, blah, here's a Jim Stewart promo call.

His name does start with gin and ends with Stuart.

We can't tell you the rest.

It's actually Stuart Gin.

Anyway, here we go.

Like Tuck.

Oh, man, dude, I can't believe you said...

Fuck gin.

Now, here we go.

Let's play this.

Family Fuckers.

Taxis.

Yeah, how are you?

How are you?

Excellent.

I want to come over and get a taxi over there.

Where from?

From your place.

Yeah, where to?

And I want to get inside and I want to pee all over the seat.

What, sorry?

I want to pee all over the seat.

What seat?

The driver's seat and the back seat and the front seat.

What are you going to do that for?

And over the driver and the steering wheel and the gear stick.

What are you going to do that for?

And the brake.

Why not?

Eh?

The dashboard.

Yeah?

And the exhaust pipe.

Well, come on then.

Come and do it, innit?

And the windows.

Well, come and do it.

Well, I don't need talking about it.

Come and do it.

Yeah?

And into the boot.

You know the boot?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Like to pee everywhere.

And also...

Do you?

Yeah, yeah.

And onto the tyres.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And then maybe I'll pee a little puddle

And the car can drive through it

So that I can get some splash underneath

You understand?

Yeah

Can I do all that?

You can do that, mate

Come on in

And after that

If I've got any pee left

I'll come in and I'll pee on you

Track the number

And I'll pee

Hello?

Get his number

Put the tracker system on

Get the number

Who the hell are you talking?

Put the tracker on and get his number

Yeah

Put the tracker system on, yeah?

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, carry on, mate

Yeah, keep going

Who the hell are you talking to?

There's nobody in the office, you idiot.

Keep talking, my friend, keep talking.

Okay, yeah, I want to pee all over you.

Why don't you go pee on your mother's fucking fanny?

I would like to pee on your mother's fucking fanny.

No, no, go and pee on your mother's fanny, innit?

If you like peeing, go and pee on your mother's fanny.

Yeah, and then we'll lick her fanny out for you, yeah?

But after I peed on it.

Yeah, so I'll lick it out, brother.

Because you're a dirty bastard, so we could be dirty bastards as well, innit?

Yeah, you're a dirty...

Obviously, you've got no morals, Xavier. You've got no morals.

You've got no morals. You're a dirty bastard.

That's the way you've been brought up, isn't it?

To fucking be rude to people.

I'm not talking about peeing or drinking pee, you idiot.

No, but I see what you're fucking...

I see what you're coming for. You're a mother.

What do you mean, you're fucking swearing shit?

What kind of mother brought you up like this?

What kind of bitch was she?

My mother is your mother.

What kind of parents did you have?

They're your parents.

My parents are not your parents, mate.

Yeah, yeah, we are brothers.

If you're so brave, why don't you come here to the office?

We are brothers, my friend.

Why are you hiding behind a fucking phone for?

Why are you swearing at me, you cunt?

Come, come, come, come to the base in there, brother.

You son of a gun.

Yeah, son of a gun.

Come to the base, I'll fucking show you, son of a gun.

Come to the base.

I'll come right now and I'll punch you in the mouth.

Come right now, you fucking Indian prick.

Come on then, you fucking...

You son of a...

You son of a bitch, you...

Why are you...

Don't bloody shout, you...

Son of a...

Hey!

Hey, you son of a...

Hey!

I'm coming immediately, I don't...

Son of a bitch!

Bitch!

Dude!

I wanna fuck on your ass, I wanna fuck on your fanny!

Bring your sister, I wanna fuck on your fanny's ass!

Bring your mom mate!

Bring your whole family, bring your mom, bring your sisters, bring your auntie!

Bring your mom bawa!

But they are your family!

They are your family!

Son of a bitch you...

I'll fuck my family! Bring them here!

Yeah you dirty ass... you rascal you!

Bring them here you son of a dog!

You fucking hoe!

Bring your mama come on!

my mother is your mother

you fucking cunt

hello

hello how are you

what did you say

yeah how are you

yeah more or less

yeah yeah

what's going on over there

alright

that's one of Jen's new pranks

family fuckers

he's got this thing

where you say

he keeps saying

he has a fantasy

about peeing in the taxis

milkman I wanted to get

your take on that

you drive a taxi

before we go any further

Further into that, Ted Webb's here.

Big Ted made it.

All right, Ted, did you bring your sister?

Did you bring your sister, Ted?

Yes, my sister is here.

Thank you.

Welcome, Teddo.

Hey, Milkman.

Milkman doesn't pee in his cab.

He has one of those little bottle urinals.

Yeah.

He's got a Gatorade bottle.

While we're at it, we've got UK Ted here also.

All right, UK Ted.

Hey, Captain.

How's it going?

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

What's up, Todd?

I'm actually off work tonight,

night and i've got uh i'm as high as it can be off some african coffee so we're good to go wow

african coffee is that what they call it that's the one that like the little animal eats and then

poops out oh the one yeah which one is that yeah i've heard of that camel camel coffee yeah the

guano coffee it's good stuff oh boy that's gross yeah they said that the monkeys eat the coffee

beans and they poop it out as part of the process that's not bad you know monkeys bodies are

beautiful it's no worse than eating honey that's basically bee shit isn't it bee sperm no it's bee

barf it's not well honey isn't bad honey is the only food that does not spoil i don't know i saw

that this week i don't know where but i saw it this week i don't know why they found honey in

like ancient egyptian tombs like 3 000 years old and the honey's still good yeah wow that's true

It has a natural preservative built right into it with the bees, and it's a food.

And then it's actually capable of being stored like that for many years.

And like Ted has told us, I guess centuries.

Many years? We're talking millennia here, man.

It was ancient Egyptian.

It used on wounds back in the old days before there was real medication because of its analgesic properties.

Aniseptic properties, yeah, you're right. Good point.

I'm sorry, an antiseptic problem.

Like peppermint oil, as some of us remember.

That's right.

I'm a big fan of the peppermint oil.

The coffee you're talking about is called Kopi Luwak,

and it's the world's most expensive and low-production varieties of coffee.

It's made from coffee berries that have been eaten by the Asian palm civet

and shitted out and then cleaned and roasted.

Sounds delicious.

Well, they're cleaning it.

That's good.

Good.

Yummy, yummy.

All right.

And what about royal jelly?

Jelly, I hear that's like a special honey.

That kind of gives a new name to chock full of nuts, doesn't it?

Chock full of nuts.

Have you heard of royal jelly?

I guess royal jelly is like a special jelly that's only for the queen.

Yeah, Americans aren't allowed to eat royal jelly.

That's just for British.

Oh, whatever.

No, actually, the very good food is called queen's food.

Whenever a drone or one of the workers are wanting to be turned into a queen,

they feed it the royal jelly.

That's why it's called royal jelly.

And that's what caused it to become the queen.

That's amazing, isn't it?

Just eating that right there, it does it.

The enzymes in it.

It's very good for your health, actually.

I like bee propolis is another good one, royal jelly, and, of course, the honey.

I know where I got the honey talk from here recently.

Oh, damn it.

Sorry about the sound

The Orlando Magic are playing

And I don't live in Orlando anymore

So I'm not in the regular

You know I can't just turn on the TV

And get Magic games anymore

I have to watch it on pirated internet

Streaming feeds

But in order to do that

I have to sit here and watch the commercials

You know what I mean I gotta watch it

I don't get it

I'm on the website I was supposed to play

But they're showing another game

They're not showing the Orlando Magic game.

This sucks.

What time is the Magic game?

Oh, it's at 10.30.

I thought it was at 10 o'clock.

Holy shit.

10.30 at night.

They usually don't start them that late.

Even on the West Coast.

They're playing the Golden State Warriors.

I know most of you don't care about the NBA.

Dude, they're lucky they started it this spring.

They put it for this year, man.

There's no real ball, is there?

I don't know.

It's an aborted season.

It's a mess.

I don't know.

But, you know, the last time this happened, when they had the shortened season,

it was actually really exciting because it was so short.

um and they were more like on an even they all kind of were tired and out of shape so they were

you know they were more on an even level kind of so to say um anyway so yeah that's that

anyway i might play uh well i will play one or two more uh more of those gin stir pranks but like i

said before be sure to check those over on youtube anyway milkman i was gonna get your

uh your idea i know last week you talked about there's a fee for vomiting in the taxi is there

Is there a fee for peeing?

Has anybody ever peed in the taxi at all on you?

It would be the same thing.

Any type of soil on the type of...

Would you clean?

Because you said you cleaned the vomit.

Would you clean the pee?

Yeah, I'd clean the pee, man.

I'd put the 250 in my pocket.

So you'd clean pee for 250.

Okay, all right.

Cool.

That's good.

What about poop?

Is someone's shit in the back seat?

Would you clean that also?

Oh, that would be a little tougher.

To be like a relevant thing, man.

Someone put their shit in the back seat.

That might be cool.

What if a very heavily pregnant woman got in your taxi

and then you just got afterbirth and child and feces everywhere?

How much would that be to clean up?

Oh, I'm sure it'd be a lot.

No, I don't think I'm going to want to ever see that,

even when my wife has a kid.

Oh, man, you've got to see it once.

I hate to say it, but, you know, Ted, you don't have this problem.

You got snipped.

We talked about this on the air, your procedure.

Yeah, it's not you, the other Ted, the real Ted.

You got snipped.

You know, he did. He talked about the whole procedure

and it was kind of, that was good

radio, Ted. When you gave us

the whole story about how you went to get

your vasectomy or whatever, that was a really

good story. It was a good time.

It's a very noble thing to do. Well done, Ted.

The world is overpopulated.

Yeah, well, that's what he said.

He's a big fan of Bob Barker and he took it to heart.

Good. Good for you, Ted.

Good on you, Ted. Is Ted even here?

He's drinking white wine. He's drinking

red wine with his wife already, I think. He left us.

Anyway, it's connected.

We'll see if it comes back.

Anyway, so, yeah, there you go.

Very good.

Let's see if we've got any numbers here coming in from Nunu or anybody else.

We've got to go over the events, man,

since we were on the whole prank about urinating in taxis.

Does anybody recall the urination of the Marines on the dead Taliban corpse?

Oh, yes.

Yes, they did.

It's not a live video.

It's actually a video that's on the net.

well i haven't seen it i heard about it today for the first i don't know how long i was making

the rounds but i was listening to the radio like last night i heard about last night that's pretty

cool man dbc did dbc looks pretty good man you know uh laying down there i haven't seen the video

i don't know the videos is like really bad or something but as far as i i can hear i don't

think it's what's the big fucking deal well are you against it or something like i don't see what

with the big fucking dealers. Somebody called it one of the

best pieces of propaganda

for Taliban recruitment ever.

Whatever. You know what?

Like, here's this, you know what my grandfather

he fought in World War II? These guys want to

beheading people, okay?

My grand, yeah, exactly. My grandfather

fought in World War II, and he had a picture taken.

He showed me a picture once

of a swastika flag,

you know, a Nazi flag, that him

and all his buddies in the army had,

you know, shit on. And they

took a picture of it. They were standing around this Nazi

They all took a shot.

I'm not kidding you.

They shat.

Yeah, they shat on it.

What's amazing is I was actually at the Royal Engineers headquarters a few months ago,

and they have a huge, like one whole wall of their headquarters is devoted to a map of Europe with a swastika on it.

It's like it was stolen from the Nazis, basically.

It's like the spoils of war.

Yeah, it's just like pride of place.

It's a real war trophy.

I just love the image now that at one point it was probably covered in shit.

Probably.

Yeah, exactly.

but I'm just saying I mean this is war

first of all and yeah I mean they're out there

getting their asses handed to them

you know what it is Milkman

when I heard the reaction

that came out from the Pentagon

regarding this

my thoughts were

if you know for like what's going on right now

what they're trying to do in Afghanistan

the Obama administration

and the current military

leadership is they already got us

out of Iraq and they're trying

trying to wind things down to hand things over to afghanistan to pull us out of afghanistan

mostly i think it's just at this point to save fucking money because our economy is so bad at

this point which makes sense but we're trying to play nice for the taliban and for the last

several months we've been having negotiations with the taliban for a ceasefire and uh you know

And releasing prisoners over back to Afghanistan control instead of American or British control.

And it's even got to the point where I believe last week they finally negotiated that the Taliban have an office in, is it UAE?

I think Dubai.

buy they have an office like a legitimate office you can you know where they can have meetings

and and negotiations where you know with like an actual taliban represented office for the first

time uh from what i understood i think they wanted to have it in saudi arabia and there was a huge

big what to do and saudi arabia said no sorry we can't do it probably because the fact that the

The majority of those 9-11 hijackers, quote-unquote hijackers, were Saudi Arabian.

But, yeah, I think the United States is trying to wind things down when it comes to this war in Afghanistan.

And they're trying to play nice with the Taliban, to be honest with you.

They're trying to make friends with the Taliban at this point.

Well, I don't see the British leaving Afghanistan anytime soon, though.

I mean, I've actually been – I'm not sure how much I should say over the radio, but I've been looking into joining the military myself.

So I spend a lot of time with other officers and talking about it.

And the British, they're so short of cash.

When they go to foreign countries and set up bases or when they set up facilities or any refueling stations or anything like that,

they will not build anything to last any longer than it has to.

But if they're going to be in a country for a week, they'll build a very temporary shelter.

If they're going to be there for a year, they'll build facilities that will last them a year.

They won't build anything to last longer than it has to, simply to save money.

The British Army is really strapped for cash.

Yeah, it is cheap.

It's efficient.

But the British facilities in Afghanistan, Camp Bastion, for example,

the stuff they've built there is going to last for 20 years.

And it's been there for 10 years now.

I don't see the British leaving Afghanistan anytime soon.

It isn't a technically NATO operation, you know, from what I understand.

Isn't that what it is?

You know, Afghanistan is officially NATO, isn't it?

Overall, it is under NATO command, but it's divided into areas.

So the British have Kandahar, they have Lakhshargarh, they have obviously everything around Camp Bastion,

and then the Americans have their areas.

So it's autonomous, semi-autonomous regions under an overriding NATO control.

But really, the real power, the real authority is being passed over to the ANP and the ANA,

the Afghan National Army and Afghan National Police.

the theory is that we're going to slowly

pass control over to them

it's going to go brilliant

just like it's going to go

in Iraq, what's going to happen in Iraq

is Iran's going to go right in and

they're going to fucking invade

they're going to fucking influence the north

they're going to kill the Kurds

and they're going to fucking go in and

start influencing and taking over Iraq

that's what's going to happen in Iraq, Iran's going to fucking do some shit

whatever

damn Quesadilla

you go

hey uh good to hear from you hey listen um what's what is the british beef with the taliban and

and Afghanistan because, you know, is it because of the subway or the underground bombings?

Is that why they're involved so heavily there?

There's so many in the U.K.

Yeah, I mean, bear in mind, this is the fourth time Britain has invaded Afghanistan.

True.

Good point.

The fourth time.

The British invade Afghanistan, like, every 50 years.

For the, what do you think, a heroin thing?

A poppy thing?

What's going on here?

What's, I don't know.

Well, traditionally, it was because Afghanistan was a buffer zone between Russia and India.

And when we owned India, the Russians wanted to invade India,

and they were going to travel through Afghanistan to get it.

So the British had to control Afghanistan in order to control our assets in India.

Okay.

That's for historical reasons.

Right.

This current invasion, obviously, that was a US-led invasion,

and we basically just followed suit because we do what the Americans tell us to do.

Yeah.

You know what I'm thinking is, yeah, if it's a NATO operation primarily, what's Turkey's take on the Afghanistan war?

Are they even involved in it?

They're a NATO signatory nation.

I don't know.

It's possible.

I'm not certain, but I believe.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were Turkish soldiers there.

And the only reason Turkey was in NATO is they were a buffer from the Eastern Bloc.

They needed to create that buffer between Russia and Israel and that part of Europe.

Greece and all that stuff

The whole thing is

An organization called ISAF

Which is the International Security Assistance Force

And that includes

The ANA and the British

And the Americans

Whether Turkey's involved, I don't know

Plus the world counts on

Turkey to continue supplying

Sex slaves

You think so? I don't know about that one

Oh yeah, there's a great front line

You've got to look at sex slaves

And where they're coming from

and most of them are coming from eastern countries and they're hustled into Turkey.

And then, like, that wonderful Turkish restaurant owner we talked to,

they're very much like that, and that's a trade there.

And it's a world trade.

Lots go to Germany, all over the world and countries.

It's pretty fascinating.

Look it up on Frontline Sex Slaves.

I'll get on that.

Thank you, Milkman.

I will.

Ted, are you monitoring your server?

Can you give me a call?

Because my stream watcher here that tells me the number of listeners says it's your server.

servers offline is blue planet up i think it's an error on my end i don't know what's going on

with radial tool toolbar here um ted you're there i thought ted came back i thought i heard ted

no i think he was there for a minute for a second he came back yeah well i'm guessing i'm sure we'd

know by now if we weren't on either of the networks so i think we're okay um okay well

nunu and tabachi are misbehaving in the chat room they're being mean and nasty because we're not

not doing prank calls so i guess we'll have to as nunu says stop talking about sensible things

and uh gregulate is going to slit his wrist if he has to hear milkman any longer very nice

gregulate you hear that milkman wow that's about how i sound after 10 minutes of a phone conversation

with milkman or arty i got a um a shout out from tombstone he's listening he wants to say hi to

everyone hey tombstone creepy guy how you doing we're still working on that i don't know everybody

If any lady is listening out there, if you want to go on a date with Tombstone,

we're looking for a girlfriend for Tombstone, and I forgot his Gmail account.

He's got a Gmail account.

Look him up.

Tombstone, let us know what it is, and we'll get on that.

Anyway, so hey, let's go ahead and take a look at these Request A Prankses

and get on it so that we don't lose our listeners, our jerk listeners here.

here wanted to say also um a big thank you to everybody who's uh in the chat room right now

all of you are doing very well in particular uh big myra my remains who i've decided to name as

the uh queen of the forums the madhouse live.com forums which all of you should be participating in

i'm going to thank everyone speaking of the forums yes i posted a message on there a little

while ago and it said this this message won't be posted until it's been moderate checked by

by the moderators you know it was like two weeks ago yeah i'm having trouble it's when when i turn

the settings down the the spam just starts coming in when i tweak it up one little step it you know

it just starts blocking people for no reason i i i'll go in there and i'll moderate that i'm still

trying to tweak it up i thought about leaving simple smf and go into phpbb or something instead

but i think we'd lose all our posts so i wasn't too excited about that i don't want everyone to

have to register again you know so i don't know hey ted eating a turkey sandwich over there what's

going on you don't eat turkey no i'm eating damn quesadilla quesadilla give me them quesadilla

yeah did that start man i'm not mexican i can't make it right did that cartoon start yet the

this weekend i think is it all right cool nothing like a cartoon about a

a cult movie that was

hot six years ago or something?

Yeah, it took him a while to come out with a freaking cartoon.

Tell me about it. Okay.

I'm impressed they managed to get the actors for it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what else is that hater

kid doing? Isn't his name

Hater? I don't even know how to pronounce it.

He's not a kid, but I'm saying the guy.

The dude. Alright, so

UK Ted, you sent

in a number here. I see that you've

Mr. I've figured out Carlito's role

first and last name. He wants to use my

initials very nice are you trying to say something oh no when i um when i donated to you years ago

what years ago ages ago you said my real name on the live so i just i'm sorry yeah oops

oh well i should i would edit it out if i knew sorry okay hey it's all right the more the more

of the fuss i make over the more obvious it becomes so i'd rather just let that one slide

maybe the fans can find it you got it all right harass me all right i'll cut it out of this

episode all right so listen uh you found a number on open book cool all right you don't have

facebook anymore can check the info stacy gonzalez this is her post hey guys as long you know i have

a new phone number blah blah blah blah getting my license this week and now officially looking

for a job we will be moving in march yay all right good um awesome uh if the uh phone loser

listeners out there can help me out by the way i'm wearing my phone loser shirt that brad sent me

you for the holidays i forgot to wear it up until now um i want to i forgot i want to say thanks to

brett carter for sending me this shirt a few um a few weeks ago very nice very comfortable shirt

um and i'm thinking about making a an investment here in madhouse i'm gonna buy a lot of t-shirts

uh you know a bundle of t-shirts to sell um so might be coming up with this design here i was

talking to talk about some designs um if you folks would be in let me know if there's any interest if

If anybody out there would want to buy a Madhouse Radio t-shirt.

Can I submit a design?

Sure, yeah.

That's fine.

No crayons.

I'll definitely buy a t-shirt.

Small all the way to 10 extra large.

Yeah, that's for me.

I'm a big fat.

Okay, so I got that number here from you.

But before that, I do want to announce.

Last week I was talking that I was trying to find the number for the angry Asiatic black guy.

And I found it.

And that's actually who I want to call right now.

Before we go any further.

Do you still have the number for that pizza lady that you called last week?

Because she was a riot.

Call the pizza lady.

Pizza lady from last week.

I don't know that I...

Yes, I do.

I should.

I should have it in the chat record.

I'm pretty sure I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Why?

I think...

Here's to your favorite pizza, man.

Yeah.

They actually have it right in front of me.

You know why?

Because of the voicemail they left.

Let me see if it's this one.

They left you a voicemail?

The very effeminate sounding husband.

such a fucking piece of shit that's been notified such a fucking garbage they're just carbon

yeah i'm a waste of carbon that's amazing you know we're not that much carbon i know i know

that carbon is the most abundant you know whatever in the galaxy universe organic life

yeah yeah but humans aren't that much carbon like you know have you ever seen like where

they'll take your body after you die they'll turn you into a diamond and like a human body

becomes like a little minuscule diamond that you can

put on a ring. You're not that much carbon.

You're more water. Isn't that what

we mostly are, is hydrogen?

Mostly water. Hydrogen and oxygen.

Carbon is essential.

The most abundant element in the universe is

hydrogen. Hydrogen? I thought it was carbon.

Nope. Hydrogen.

Hydrogen's a noble gas, so everything

evolves from...

Helium's noble.

Hydrogen is not noble.

Your mama's noble.

That's right.

right it's true she's noble this is very noble lady he's from noble idiots i don't uh his royalty

maybe i lied maybe i don't have this number now what the fuck what the fuck is this the guy that

you wanted to charge 30 deposit for a high-risk neighborhood no no no no this is this guy no the

guy that i'm talking about is the asiatic uh black guy who got really mad at me for talking about

malcolm x and he he got his other like they were five percenters you know what those are right

Right, Todd?

Five percenters?

No, what's a five percenter?

I don't know.

99.

They're like, you know, Louis Farrakhan kind of followers, you know?

They're like, you know.

Are these the ones that celebrate Kwanzaa?

Kind of, yeah, yeah.

Kind of like that, yeah.

Salaam alaikum.

They start the original motorcycle gang.

I know, because I'm looking under Brother Man.

I saved it as Anger Asiatic, I thought.

Let's see.

Let's call a taxi company.

Tell them I want to pee?

Tell them you want to pee in Milkman's cab.

i'm sorry for acting so slick i don't know what is it with me when i start the show now

it's like the bullshit because it seems like about this point in the shows when we have our

most listeners people finally get in i don't want people to miss anything you know since i'm off

work tonight we could call my hotel oh great here we go i found get me fired who's that

mr black assalamu alaikum my brother how you doing brother listen we talked a few weeks ago

maybe a few months ago i don't know if you remember me my name is cross i had some stuff

on craigslist so you're very rude to me with some other angry sounding uh asiatic man so what was

that about why were you so angry at me he on the other line now let me get him on the other line

oh yeah yeah i have some questions for him hello is he calling black up let me know if you want

black up is he gonna call me back because he can't call me back i don't know he's just planning

it right now thank you pbx yeah he's got a pbx he's gonna crazy asshole does he did he put you

on hold or something i think you went to explain to the other guy what was going on i hold off the

three-way him now hold on all right freeway hey hey i'll let her play him he's dialing him cool

we're waiting on for that boba johnson in this hello hello yeah what's up what's up brother

how you how you doing how you doing brother we talked a few weeks we had we had a quarrel we

had some ill words for each other you remember yeah well me and you had a quarrel you talked

to me for about 20 minutes you were upset because i had said some things you said that

that I was wrong about Jesus, remember?

Yeah, he's coming back to me.

All right.

I had some things on Craigslist, and then you called to help me out,

and then you got mad because I said, I asked if you were a black,

and you said that you were Asiatic or whatever, remember?

Sure you are, buddy.

Hey, listen, so the first thing I want to do is apologize

because you told me that Jesus went to Egypt,

and I said you were full of shit.

But then I read on the Internet that Jesus did, you know,

You know, when they went after the firstborns, after he was born, you know, on the Day of the Innocents,

that his family did escape to Egypt, and he did live some of his formative years in Egypt.

So you were right.

So I wanted to apologize.

Yeah.

All right.

Are we cool?

What is it that you need me to straighten you out with?

Well, bean pies.

Any recipes?

Any suggestions?

I want to know about a bean pie.

Well, how do you make a bean pie?

What kind of beans do you use?

Garbanzo beans?

Bean pies, though, first.

No, I've had beans and I've had pies, but never bean pie.

So why would you be interested in knowing what happens?

I can't see any pies, though.

Well, because I'm trying to learn about Asiatic culture.

I like fried chicken and things like that, watermelon.

You really going to go there to watermelon?

Well, no.

This is African food from Africa.

No, there ain't no African food.

If you really buy chicken from Africa, there ain't no watermelon.

From what I understand, the cleanest water in Africa.

There's no clean water in Africa

But luckily

Water grows on melons there

So that's what I understand

So what they do is they pick the watermelons

And that's how they get their water

How do you figure there ain't no water in Africa?

There's water but it's all dirty

It has poop

From the elephants

That's what I'm saying

We need to debate on something real

We're not going to go off and tell no

Watermelon

Because that really comes from that.

We go in your culture.

White people come from caves, right?

We know this.

That's not proved, though.

That's not proved.

Y'all was not frying.

Y'all was not cooking food back then.

We had to show y'all how to eat cookies.

Okay.

But really, we are vegetarian.

Okay.

Cook it up.

We are really vegetarian, and meat is not good.

But where did the Africans go wrong?

At what point did Africans go wrong?

Because they have all these resources now, but all they do is fight each other.

I don't understand.

If you guys are so smart, why can't you figure that out?

No, no.

If we keep the white people out of Africa, you probably, they can, you know what I'm

saying, they can get it together over there.

If we keep letting white people come in and kill them.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep them white people.

And having the brothers battle with each other.

Having them see that.

Okay.

All right.

And are you, you're a five percenter, right?

I'm not a five percenter.

So what are you exactly?

Can I ask?

What are you?

I'm a Christian.

And Bubba Johnson.

What if you found out you had.

Because it's different senses.

Yo, man, shut up.

I'm a Christian too.

What if you found out you had a percentage of black in you?

Would you kill yourself?

I do have a percentage of black.

Listen, I'm Puerto Rican.

I naturally, of course, have a percentage of black in me.

I'm black.

What are you talking about?

So, so, so, so.

You know, Puerto Ricans, Puerto Ricans are a mixture.

Why are you stereotyping it and talking all this watermelon shit?

Puerto Ricans are a mixture of African slaves that were brought to the island of Puerto Rico,

European settlers from Spain and the rest of Europe,

and a small percentage of Taino Indian natives that live there.

We're a mixture of all three of those races.

So obviously I have African in me, of course.

Yeah, and I'm going to tell you all of them.

The way you feel about black, you think you want to hang yourself?

No, not at all.

We know how you feel about black.

I like fried chicken.

We know how you feel about black.

Stop beating around the bush.

I feel up all over I'm black.

I have no problem with my African American-ness.

I've been with black women before

I've had sex with black girls

I have watermelons

Wait a minute

You said you never touch no black girls

No no I've touched

You said no no no

Last week I asked you if you done slept with my girlfriend

And you said no

And now here you are telling

That you slept with black girls

I don't

Must be confused with someone else

Who's that

That's a nigga for you right there

No, he's my black neighbor, Bubba Johnson.

He's an idiot.

That's the kind, when Judgment Day comes, before Judgment Day, we're going to have to kill.

Any thoughts on that?

That's the kind right there.

Well, he's one of your Republicans.

He's probably a Republican, too.

Are you a Democrat? What are you?

I ain't nothing.

You don't vote?

Not at all.

Why not?

I voted for Obama.

I know what it's going to come down to.

You think it's going to be a race war, but it's going to be one,

but it ain't going to be between the Mexicans and the blacks.

Okay.

You think it's going to be one.

It's going to be one, but not between the four.

It's going to be between the Koreans and the Vietnamese.

They'll be fighting for faux noodles.

Just stick me the ass fuck on the phone.

Stick in the booty ass.

I bet you hold your pants tight, too.

I hold them tight for you.

I thought they was educated.

They was trying to have a real...

At least the other one gave you some conversation.

The other motherfucker retarded.

Do you guys watch NBA basketball at all?

Well, I'm a big fan of the Orlando Magic.

I don't watch too much slave games.

That's a slave game.

What do you think about Dwight Howard leaving the Orlando Magic?

Let me ask you a question.

How come there ain't no white people in the slam dunk contest?

I got a point.

Hmm?

I got a point.

That's racist.

Same reason there ain't no black men.

Same reason the blacks ain't running the country.

No, it's just because white men can't jump.

That's why black people ain't running the country.

Oh, hey, gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

because you're scared because y'all scared to let us run it you're probably you'll see a better

america gentlemen mr asiatics i wanted to mention you know you two both said that a black man was

the first president of the united states what was his name again washington carver damn right

what was his name john hansen all right john hansen he wasn't black he was moorish he was

he was from uh what do you think more staff well he was arabic that man was black that man was

was black like like like he did i i saw a picture he looks nothing like a black man he he has a

little bit of a tan skin like jesus looked like him i mean that was a color no no you looked up

it's two different john hansen's listen listen you looked up the white john hansen you looked up

it shows images of john hansen you looked up the white one no it's a black man he's darker than me

the john i looked up john hansen just when he's angry i i looked up john hansen and he had the

What would I like to put my hands on, y'all?

He was the guy that invented the Muppets.

He had Kermit the Frog with him and all that.

John Hanson.

The one I want to put my hands on the most is the nigga that's on the phone.

Right.

You're the one I want the most.

Why don't you want to teach him, though?

I don't understand.

Why wouldn't you be nice to him?

No, I want a piece of that motherfucker on the phone, that other dude.

Take me under your wing, you and your John Washington-covered peanut butter-eating ass.

You're the one I want.

You're a faggot, too, at that.

You ain't lying.

You're a motherfucking faggot.

wow gentlemen no need for homophobia yeah there's something for that give me some peanut

they don't really study history man they just no they don't you you you hear us talking in slang

the slang language thinking we dumb but y'all motherfuckers that's dumb you think the language

that you're talking is proper but it's not how you feel now are you guys talking about weed i

heard him say something about the weed yeah okay i just heard you the other guy not you the guy that

that I called the other guy.

You're going to steal a motherfucker's language

and then try to teach him some shit

that ain't even proper.

Man, you'd be putting...

How the fuck we...

How the fuck we speak English?

We're not in...

Um...

Preach it, brother.

Preach it.

We're not in English to be called American, right?

You're damn right.

You tell me, suckers.

So, what are your thoughts...

I got a British guy here on the line also.

What are your thoughts on the British?

Anything?

Are you guys cool with them?

Yeah, I'm cool with the British.

There you go.

Fuck yeah.

Nice.

British are cool with you, brother.

What the fuck?

I'm cool with some British people, but not all of them.

What about Puerto Ricans?

Oh, here we go.

They all right with me.

All right, well, I'm Puerto Rican.

Can we just, you know, agree to disagree and be friends, you know?

So why you ain't kicking off into that other motherfucking ass over there?

Well, he's far away.

He's not with me here.

I'm trying to help him out.

That's why I got him on the line.

I'm in Georgia, man.

You ain't getting to me.

You in where?

I'm in Georgia, fool.

In Georgia.

Now you got a country accent

Which one is you man

Yo yo

You be putting that chronic

In the bean pies my brother

You wanna be white so bad

Tell your boyfriend in the background to stop mumbling

You're right I do wanna be white

But my mama slept with a black man

I bet he

You probably hit it dead on the head

You playing and joking but that's for real

I can tell

When I hear that mulatto voice

that you got that's what it sound like the vocal cords be totally different can

I ask you quite now I just want I want to be honest with you guys all right I

have an internet radio show and I wanted to know if it's okay maybe from time to

time to call in and get your perspective on on things that are happening in the

world would that be okay well what now I want to be on the radio we want to we

want to hear it on the radio we want to know who the war monger is who the who

war monger so what do you guys think about these American soldiers urinating

on their dead enemies.

Yeah.

How do you feel about that?

Did you hear about that?

The Marines are...

They're fighting for their privilege over here.

They're trying to police the world.

They're not fighting nobody else.

They're over there

trying to take somebody else's country.

That's what I think about them.

They were fighting on a lie.

Like they always did.

This ain't the first war.

That war been written in blood.

That's all they know.

No, this is what they know.

Wherever it is on the planet

where they want something,

they start a fight with them.

They kick some shit up with them.

Get something going with them just to go over there and get whatever they think that they want over there.

They kick some shit out with the motherfuckers and make them their enemy first.

Yeah, like my bicycle.

They don't want to fuck with Russia.

They don't want to fuck with Korea.

No, they're newcomers.

But this is the first war that started on the plane.

Everything else has been a boat.

They've been lying.

Ain't nobody attacked the United States.

Never have.

No, well, the Hawaiians.

The Hawaiians.

Hawaii was attacked.

That was never the first.

That was not the first.

That was not the first attack on the United States.

The first terror attack on the United States dropped that in Oklahoma on black people.

It was 1812, as a matter of fact, by the British.

Yeah.

Man.

That wasn't by no British.

That was by the United States when they did that.

Black Wall Street?

No damn British.

That was America.

Black Wall?

I'm going to look that up.

All right.

That's cool.

All right.

Yeah, look that up.

Black Wall Street.

That was the first bombing.

That was the first bombing they did on America's soil right there when they flew them.

Yeah.

Yeah, Tulsa, Oklahoma, when they first flew them planes over and bombed them black people.

Okay.

And took their shit.

Yeah.

Really?

I didn't know about that.

Well, I'll look that up.

Thank you.

Well, look it all up now.

You buy a computer, look it all up.

Well, I'm doing my show right now.

It's kind of hard for me to look it up.

I'm doing an internet radio show on a computer.

Well, you know you got to get the live together, though.

Okay.

All right.

So you guys do not watch NBA at all?

If you're going to do it truthful, if you're going to do it truthful.

I don't know.

My research has turned up something strange.

it says the black wall street is an area northeast of oklahoma again he's talking again

hold on what it says what it says the black it says that it is it is the black wall street is

home to several prominent black businessmen i don't know what you're talking about there's

no several problems brendan man that whole they never say that you're making up shit on there

now stop no man i'm right in front of the computer myself it's on wikipedia you didn't know about it

Now you just pull up and see several black businessmen.

That whole city they were in, they had their own banks, social security, and all that set up.

Now, you don't see that on there?

Do you?

Puff, puff.

Do you?

Doctors, lawyers, and all of that.

Do you guys know a Maven?

Do you know who Maven is?

Are you familiar with her?

Maven?

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

You don't know her?

I didn't hear you.

Maven.

Do you know Maven?

Who?

A girl named Maven.

Are you familiar with her at all?

Have you met her?

Know about her?

Maven.

Maven, no?

What's her history?

Oh, look her up.

Yeah, she slept with a lot of black men.

There's a website called blackwallstreet.org.

What, is she a white girl?

She's a white girl, I think.

The first rapist is the white man.

Good point.

So we don't want to hear about no white woman.

Who is rapist?

No, no, hold on.

Whoever you're talking about, she ain't nobody special.

White women been sleeping with black men.

Well, they like it.

Yeah, it's taboo.

The white man started it.

He knew his shit didn't look like nothing.

And that's why he raped the black woman.

It's been happening because bestiality goes back way into ancient times.

And that's an example of bestiality.

No, I know bestiality.

Bestiality only goes back a thousand years.

Bestiality can't go back no ancient years.

You only can go back...

Let me tell you, bestiality did start over in Ethiopia.

King Solomon brought one of you motherfuckers out of the cave and started to fuck you.

That's when bestiality started.

Well, yeah.

I mean, when food is scarce, people turn to bushmeat.

yeah

you know how I know

he's walking on

if you go in any cave

a cave starts closing in

you start off

where you can walk

stand up

and then eventually

as you get deeper in the cave

you're going to have to crawl

that's where you came from

so

it's called Patman's

in the bible

so white people come

from the back of the cave

and white people

are from the mouth

is that what you're saying

the white people

were in the back of the cave

and the blacks

were in the mouth

you're damn right

yeah you still

go with a tail on your ass

everything you try to say

about us

is really about you

You, really fuck your ass.

You come from the monkeys, you're not a monkey.

Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

I got a point.

Well, yeah, well, if, if, that's because the white people, it's easy, it's easy to see them in the caves, because the caves are quite dark.

I mean, if you guys aren't smiling, we can't see you.

Now,

Now, what about...

Black is the best color.

That's why you can't go in the sun.

You're the color, boy.

If you ask anywhere in the sun, you're going to change colors.

We stay the same.

Black is beautiful.

How you doing, color boy?

Hey, monkey.

You put us in a room full of white women, guess what dick they're going to be wanting and lusting for?

He can have a dick three inches, three inches.

They're going to be lusting for that nigga.

They think they look at us as exotic.

Hey, we don't use the N-word, sir.

Yeah, don't use the N-word.

That is a racist term.

Don't use that.

Yeah, you're a racist.

That's, yeah, come on, sir.

Malcolm X didn't die for that, and Martin Luther King didn't die for you to be talking like that.

That's disrespect for you to talk to me in the name of Malcolm X.

What's his name up?

Nelson Mandela didn't die for your sins, right?

You know what?

You know, Malcolm X was half white.

His name was Malcolm Little, and he was half white.

No, you have it wrong.

Ain't no white.

You don't know the difference between Malcolm X and Malcolm Jamal Warner.

Shut up over there.

Nah, nah.

You's a fucking idiot.

That's a faggot.

That's a faggot mulatto.

That's no mama.

up. Nelson Mandela's rolling

in his grave listening to this.

Because they don't know nothing.

Look, we can show you that

the black man is the most dominant man.

You can mix with any one of y'all.

It's not a contest because

it's not a contest

when you're mixing.

Can we settle this with a swimming

competition? I think we should settle it

like gentlemen. We'll have a swimming competition

and who the wins is the best.

Now we're talking about boxing

and now we're talking about swimming

and you can't out-think me.

I'm the motherfucking original man.

You can't out-think me.

You can do shit with me.

Listen, I promise you,

none of y'all can do shit with me physically.

I promise you,

none of you motherfuckers can do shit with me physically.

Well, of course.

You have an unfair game.

That's because you're a white hat.

That's your white hat.

That's why.

Check this out.

Now, if any one of y'all step in the boxing ring with me, I will stop your ass within 30 seconds.

Of course, because you have an unfair advantage.

You have an unfair advantage.

Any animal would have an unfair advantage against a white person because, I mean, it's like, can you imagine boxing a gorilla?

You don't know.

You are.

Let your hair grow out.

Don't cut your hair.

And we're going to see you look like the animal.

I've been practicing a Mike Tyson punch out on the Wii, man.

I'm ready for your ass.

Come on.

Listen, don't cut your hair.

and let your hair grow out

and we'll see who the real Adam is.

King Solomon

grabbed one of them bitches

from the cave.

He cut their hair off

and had sex with them

and then they start feuding.

The bastard kids that they had

started feuding

with his original kids

and they can't cast it out.

Wait a minute.

That's where you get the mayhem from.

How about that?

I'm confused.

King Solomon was black though, right?

You motherfucking right.

Ethiopian.

You know it.

And he had sex with animals?

Listen, when the truth come out

in the end

this shit turned into

listen

Listen, history repeats itself.

No, he was not.

He was Asian because we all were in the caves and we all were animals.

Man, y'all keep coming to an end.

We all was in the caves, y'all was animals.

Y'all are savages.

That's what wherever y'all been.

They call that part of the world Asia.

What are you talking about?

That's true.

All the time, that was Asia, man.

That was a small world back then.

Horses.

Are you crazy?

The world was never small.

That's just like you figured Columbo.

Well, y'all still going with Columbus-bound America when it was already people here.

That's the bullshit they teach you in school.

What about a horse?

How can you find someone who was already people living here?

Guys, what about a horse?

Horses.

So what you thinking?

Horses just got here, or they dead here?

I know black men dicks hang like horses.

Well, you know that horses are afraid of black men.

Like a black man, horses have a natural fear of black men.

Explain that.

Horses get spooked.

I ain't never seen that.

Don't lie like that, Mark.

Yes, it's true.

Now you're lying.

No, it's true.

Horses have a natural fear and will evade and run away from a black man.

And they won't allow them to be ridden by a black man.

And why do you think monkeys love white people?

Because that's what they all are.

Yeah.

That's what they all come from.

What was that?

Y'all little monkeys.

Wait a minute.

I thought horses were colorblind.

There must be something else about you.

It's the smell.

Shit, they all come from Neanderthals.

It's the smell.

You cannot, look, white people cannot say nothing about blacks when y'all asses was

in the cave, was not a black man in the cave.

Okay.

All right.

That's because we wouldn't let him in.

You can break down, and y'all want to call us savages.

Y'all are the real savages.

There's more ancestry going on with whites than any other race in the world.

Y'all start having kids with a woman and leaving the child, but y'all try to put that on us.

No, that's y'all.

That's the shit y'all do.

do y'all have babies with a woman and start leaving that shit started way back in slavery

day we didn't do shit like that we have 10 kids with one woman and stay with her what do you

stayed with sir it don't matter one of y'all might be my it doesn't matter now he doesn't

want to talk about it yeah one of y'all might be my kids that mulatto been talking that shit

that might be his mama's chromosomes that's fucked up oh so you had sex with a white woman then and

And then the mulatto came out.

You're motherfucking right.

Yeah, you're damn right.

You had sex with an animal.

You had sex with a monkey.

I wouldn't dare touch one of them cave women.

I make them my claim.

You had sex with a monkey, then.

It's an atrocity even to be around one.

I dog them when I get them.

They don't look like nothing.

If a white woman is a monkey, then you're saying you had sex with a monkey.

About 6,000 years, and she's still horrible.

Wow.

Wow. Have you ever been with a white woman at all? Have you ever touched a white woman?

I wouldn't even dare do that. I'm not into the blood like that.

Have you ever been angry enough to have sex with a white woman or anything? Not angry in your life?

I do. I would never touch one. I will. And did you guys meet in prison? Is that what happened?

What did you guys go to prison for, can we ask?

I've never been there.

You know what?

I did time.

Guess what?

What?

I did time.

What was it on?

It had nothing to do with doing nothing to no black person.

Oh, you stole my bike?

Was it you?

Yeah.

No.

No, I ain't stealing.

I wasn't petty.

You did what?

You wet your panties?

When I first came to Las Vegas, when I first came to Las Vegas, I went to jail.

Guess why I went to jail?

Can I really guess?

with a mouth like yours i swear to god we're holding up a casino no you was you was you was

a prostitute on the strip don't talk shit yeah i think so no seriously why did you go to jail

i'm probably one of y'all daddies i'm telling you is that you wouldn't have gone to jail for

that mate you know you know what you know what we're dealing with man seriously i want to know

i want to know why you went to jail please for bombing on this white boy he got in my face

He thought I was a white boy.

You're like, yo, fuck you, white boy.

He thought I was great.

Walk off.

I turned around.

Bah!

For nothing?

He just started going for his partner.

Really?

He did?

Just for no reason at all?

He just started bombing on a white boy?

No.

He didn't know why he got his ass whooped for the shit y'all have done for 400 years.

That's what he got his ass whooped for.

I don't understand.

You assaulted him.

My body's white.

My body's mama was white.

Thank you, milkman.

I mean.

Hell, man.

What color was Bob Marley?

He was half white.

He was malted.

He ain't no half motherfucking white.

What color was Bob Marley?

What did he look like?

Bob Marley, he was black.

He was Jamaican.

He was brown, man.

He was brown.

What do you mean, more collared, man?

I thought you could see collars, man.

Where'd that mulatto do that?

You need your ass kicked.

Quit telling me about his mama being white if he was black.

So what's this got to do with Bob Marley?

He need his ass kicked.

How do we start talking about Bob Marley?

I think Milkman just brought him up.

These dudes are, like, hella racist, man.

I know.

They are super racist.

Shame on them.

Bob Marley's a handsome young man.

Super racist.

We deal with some goddamn racist.

Racist motherfuckers.

We live in a goddamn racist situation.

It's impossible for us to be racist.

We walk in it.

How about you boys explain this?

You know Bob Marley was shot by his own people.

It's a few boys.

That's right.

Look, look.

Check this out.

Check this out, monkey.

We're going to go with the very being disrespectful what he's having.

Tell me why y'all world coming to an end there, monkey.

Yeah.

every other country on the world

don't even want the white man in there

I'll tell you why our world's coming to them

because there's a black man in office

because we let black

white men

white men society don't do nothing

do you want to know

our world's coming to them because black men can vote

black men can drive a car

black men are allowed to have jobs

black people are allowed to read

that's what's happening

that's exactly

Look at the little...

No, maybe because the monkey's been at the wheel too long.

That's where all the problems started.

Check this out.

Listen, it's a proven fact.

We were really on like 95% of this shit.

You motherfuckers don't want to give us half,

but we about to take this shit.

Listen, do the research.

If you boys will do the research,

you'll know that HIV and AIDS was never around

up until the point where the black man was allowed to vote.

And that's the truth.

Explain that.

Y'all aren't getting that shit.

That's what I'm saying.

You don't even understand.

They started it.

Explain how...

How did you get about 24, 25...

How did the AIDS epidemic...

You fucked up.

You ain't even been here long enough to even debate with me.

How did the AIDS epidemic explode across the world...

How did the AIDS epidemic explode all across the world

only after the black man was allowed to vote in the United States of America?

It's obvious what happened there.

The black agenda

It was brought from monkeys

It was started off as a simian

And it was passed on to humans

As a human immune deficient disease

So it went from SIV to HIV

So when did A's pop up on the scene?

That first case

In the late 60s

70s

a 70 something

who was the first one

you gotta understand

the first is a Haitian

it was a Haitian man who got it in the Congo

in Africa

yes it was

the first

documented HIV patient

patient zero was a Haitian man

who got it when he was working

in the Congo and he was a Haitian man

and he went to New York

we're not talking about other places

he was a bisexual man

who was Haitian

and he got it in Africa

and he came to the United States and spread it here.

He was a bisexual. That's the truth.

You're going to go for that story.

Oh, that's what? Okay.

Do you have a better story?

I'm going to do some research up on it

because I can't believe anything.

What exactly did the

white guys do to you?

I don't trust their word for nothing.

That's just like they came with the 9-11.

Good morning, baby.

They want a motherfucker to believe.

Yeah, it is.

In the first aid case, they injected that shit into a monkey.

That's right.

Is this the BBC switchboard?

It is the BBC switchboard.

How can I help?

Yeah, you have made these black men, these boys here,

very angry at you over something that was on the TV.

Gentlemen?

Just one moment.

Okay.

We're going to take care of this.

Yeah, they were talking about this on the BBC, boys.

So, you know, I thought maybe you want to ask them.

Are you guys there?

Right.

Just for one moment.

I'll get you to the right place.

Thank you, sweetie.

Hey, you guys be polite, okay?

They're my people.

Yeah, be polite to them, okay, gentlemen?

They're Brits.

What the hell?

What's up with this boy shit?

No, it's a nice, it's a respectful thing I'm saying.

I'm calling you, like, you know, friends, boys.

No, no, no.

Not a respectful thing is yes, sir, no, sir, or, you know.

Sir?

I mean, damn, this language is not that old to work.

Who are you calling sir?

We can get it together now.

That boy shit is insane.

You must be an old man.

You want to be called sir?

What is your major malfunction?

I wish we were face to face.

can i call you brother listen by myself let me tell you how strong the black man is

if you put all of us in a room me by myself and all y'all in the room i kill i'll leave

up out of that motherfucker and it'd be i'll be full of blood yeah that's in a room but what

what if it was in a cave it don't matter where it's at i'll leave out of there with blood all

over me and it'd be y'all no i don't think you could handle this in our native habitat yeah

in a cave in a cave you'd be in trouble in a cave you'd be in trouble yes definitely yeah

We could bounce your head against a cave wall.

Here's a question.

Who would win in a fight, James Bond or Shaft?

Who?

Shaft or James Bond?

Who would win in a fight?

I mean, both of them are fictional characters, so I really won't get off into that.

But I'll say, what about me and you?

I'll go what I would win.

How about that?

I can't get off into movies.

Well, here's what I would do.

I would take a banana and throw it, and like, Luke, boy, banana, and you'd run away, and

then I'd kick you in the ass.

I'd take you some bar meat.

I'll take a cow and cut it up and throw you some raw meat

And watch you eat it

And shove a broomstick in your ass

And tell you little monkey you enjoy yourself

That's really gay actually

You want to put a broomstick in his ass

You're gay

You're like these homosexual

Hate fantasies

Hey

Mr. Black number

Mr. Black number one

When you were in prison

Listen, was there really a lot of gay sex in prison when you were there?

Does it happen, like they say?

What'd you say?

Nah, that's a homosexual.

Soap on a rope.

No, I'm asking.

Yeah, maybe I am a homosexual, but listen.

You've got to be a fag to even ask a question like that.

Well, did it happen?

It happens, right?

But it's not gay.

I bet your booty hole big as a motherfucker.

No, never.

You can back into a doorknob and won't make a face.

What?

I like that one.

That's pretty cool, man.

I like that one.

That's all right.

You're all right, boy.

You boys are all right.

I like that one.

Yeah, you're all right, boy.

You call him boy.

Hey, boy.

You my motherfucking slave and don't know it.

All right.

It's just a matter of time.

I'm free in America.

Maybe some other black thing, but I'm free.

All right.

That's cool.

Are you free?

When the police pull me over, they enter with precaution.

They respect my motherfucking president because they don't.

I'll make them.

It'll be me or him.

I'm a one for only one more.

They're kind of like Jay and Silent Bob.

One of them does a lot of talking,

the other one every once in a while says something.

What's an episode?

You sound like dumbass Beavis and Butthead.

Where's that Asian man at?

I don't hear that Asian guy talking.

It's all...

Asian man.

Get the mulatto ass up.

He's a faggot.

Everybody's a mulatto.

Yeah, Milkman, he's a faggot.

That's the mulatto one.

You think I can't tell your voice?

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

I don't think this conversation is going anywhere

We're talking around in circles here

That's the British dude in the back

That's him

My mom British

Is she? Fantastic, do you have dual nationality?

From Belize

That's not British

Do you have dual nationality?

He had some Earl Grey tea this morning

Do you have dual citizenship he's asking

Ah, that's the one

No, fuck a Jew

You see they got what they deserve

though, I don't feel sorry for their ass

that Holocaust happened, that's what the fuck

they get, because they had one of the biggest slave

votes coming over here to America

holy fucking shit

they got what they deserve

where did you come up with fuck a Jew, man?

out of nowhere

they got what they deserve

let me ask you a question, man

there's no reason

why would you say that, man?

the Jew was a slave

to the Egyptians, man, for thousands

of years

as a matter of fact the jews were black a lot of jews were black and they lived in africa

there were black jews in africa nowhere nowhere over in the east can you find no history of no

things over there lying and get fat

What are you talking about?

I was saying you never heard of the Bible.

You never heard of the Bible?

You're talking about your Apollos liar.

Why did they take over Apollos when they became slaves?

They've been tooken over in these.

There's not no history recorded of that.

What do you think the biggest slavery ever happened at all?

What do you think that's at?

It happens between tribes in Africa.

Do you honestly think that the slave trade across the Atlantic could have succeeded without?

It didn't happen in North Korea in North Africa.

We did 400 years over here from 1555, man.

We came here in 1555.

Ain't nothing.

Yeah, and do you honestly think

that people transported anybody out of Africa

without a piece of African tree?

No, nobody.

It was the African chiefs who were sold to the slaves.

We lost 600 million.

Don't come telling me that.

No, but it's true.

They had the biggest motherfucking boat full of slaves.

I'm taking him in the motherfucking hand right now

for telling them how they're doing.

I would have helped his ass.

They was building that shit for somebody else,

but he went on and gave it to them.

Yeah, yep, so did.

So did.

So a British ship can just step up the African Cup.

Please, tell them that. Tell them that story, Liz.

Round up random people, put them on a boat and drive them back to America

without the consent of the African chiefs.

If they're so physically superior, they must have been able to consent to that

to allow it to happen.

Yeah, they sold their Africa.

There is no way the state can happen without the consent of the African chiefs.

You know that.

Y'all don't fuck around with me.

Y'all don't fuck around with me, son of a bitch.

Now, let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something about a little of your history.

Tell me, bro.

Tell me.

Tell me, bro.

Preach it.

Your history, the white history is written in blood, man.

Well, no, think about it logically.

It doesn't even matter if it's history or not.

Just think about it.

Now, tell me who you've been a peace with.

Who have you been a peace with?

Who have you made peace with?

ShakaZulu.

Did you even hear what I said?

Did you hear what I said?

Did you think that makes sense?

Tell me who have you made peace with.

But some British European sailors with scurvy who spent months at sea could land on the coast of Africa, pick up people, put them in the boat, and drag them across to the Americas without the consent of the native chiefs.

That's true.

The slave trade started in Africa.

The slaves were sold to European sailors by African slaves.

No, no, no.

It wouldn't be no such thing as no rape, no cattle slavery if that wasn't.

I'm not talking about slavery.

That's true.

That's where you think the shorts came from.

That's true.

Where do you think the shorts came from?

What did the insurance came from?

There were warring tribes were selling out their enemy tribes into slavery.

They were allowing them, yes, that's true.

There were no tribes over in North Africa.

That's a lie right there.

There were no tribes in Africa.

Well done.

Thank you.

This is great.

There was none of that.

That's where King came and learned how to build, set up base systems and everything.

You know how this was set up over here?

Just like you see the White House over in Africa was set up like that.

You know, John, with this conversation, what's your name?

It's doing all the talking, man.

I don't know.

All I'm hearing is clicks and muscles.

My name is Thunder to your ass.

Thunder.

Okay, man.

I thought this was like Thunder, man.

It has nothing to do with anything about you.

This is what you cannot tell us.

We're not in a race against no time, man.

You're a race.

You're at the ending.

We're not a race.

We always will be here.

It's not a color. It's the origin of what color come from. We're not in a race. We're not a race.

You in a race, because you in a race against time. You know you can't be here alone.

So, Thunder, Thunder, are you a crip or a bluff?

I'm not neither one of them. I got love for my people.

Hey, what, hey, can I ask you a question? What are you, are you a, are you a KKK or a Nation?

Oh no, I'm with the Klan. The Klan's the best.

What?

I'm with the Klan, bitch.

You're with the Klan?

Boy.

Yeah, the Klan is the best. When they can ride up 15 deep like punks and jump one black dude, one-up, one-on-one.

Hey, we learned from you.

I swear, I know it. I know it. We all need to get together. We all need to sit down and get together and see who we're all at.

I guarantee you, you'll break me.

Yes, I will invite you to my cave. We'll discuss this.

First step is to design a hood, and then you can start witching white people.

They put us in a room. They put all of them in a room.

No, not a room. Not a room. A cave.

I come out bloody

with they blood on me.

Man, that's

breaking sound barriers

getting the fuck out of here.

You're full of shit.

Chuck Norris would

fuck you up.

Chuck Norris would

get his own ass fucked.

Well, there we are.

And that old

bullshit.

Man, y'all

every people

on this earth

want a piece of

y'all's ass, man.

Y'all have murdered

everybody.

I was trying to

start a dialogue here.

I don't like

to pull up to

shout abuse at you

or judge you

because of the

color of your skin.

I wanted to start

a dialogue and

discuss history.

but you decided to

name one set of people

that don't want to fuck y'all up

I can start naming off countries right now

they can't name it

how many men were with your mother

Armenians are very fond of Americans

they want to fuck y'all up too

no they don't

the Asiatic are fond of us also

Kuwaitis

they want to fuck y'all up too

Iraqis too

the motherfuckers that they over there

on the download they want to fuck them up too

well I mean

as far as people who are friends with

the British or the Americans

I think you could, yeah for real

say the Australians, the Japanese

the Koreans, the Filipinos

the Vietnamese, the Chinese, the Mongolians

the Kyrgyzstans, the Pakistanis

the Afghans, the Indians, the Saudi Arabians

the Sudans

the Romanians, the Dutch

i'll bet you one thing i'll bet you listen i'll bet you boys one thing i bet you none of them

trust the black man none of them none of them would trust a black man in an elevator

man i want to stop listen i want to slap you so bad and piss on you oh you dare i'm slapped

Oh, just like those marines.

There is one place that these boys on there beat us.

I go on the strip.

I go on the strip to one of them sex jobs.

And by one of them big John Holmes,

Dio does his fuck you in the ass with it.

Look, how'd you know about John Holmes?

Want to get that, uh, 9, 930?

I want to kill you, then kill you again,

dig you back up, and kill you some more.

That's the black way.

You always want to murder it.

He's the one telling us that we've got more.

Hello, Ms. Jones.

So you got to deal with a savage motherfucker in a savage way.

How about Jesus?

I want to kill you and kill you some more and dig you back up and kill you again, motherfucker.

You need to die hard enough.

Ms. Jones.

Mrs. Jones, are you there?

Mrs. Jones.

Hello?

Yes, blood of Jesus is with us here tonight.

Hey, gentlemen, tell this lady about the blood of Jesus.

Do you believe in it?

Nah.

Why are you dying here?

It should have been over 2,000 years ago if the blood of Jesus saved you.

Why you got to die?

That's right.

Answer that.

Answer that, lady.

Miss Jones.

Well.

That's what I thought.

She got on.

She don't even want to fuck with you.

Jesus said you were of your father.

He was a murderer in the beginning.

Jesus was a murderer?

He said you, you.

He was talking to the white race.

You were of your father.

He was a murderer in the beginning.

We called you up for an amusing conversation, but you just.

This is going around in circles.

It's getting boring.

Say something interesting.

Mrs. Jones.

I did God beat you to his father, and you said when you're born out of wedlock, that's adultery.

You claim you're charging God with adultery?

Come on, man, use your mind, man.

I'm going to come to your house, and I'm going to frighten you.

I'm going to frighten you into a boxing match in the deep end of a pool.

Oh, you just said that shit above his head.

You know what I'm saying?

Just let your soul glow.

Mrs. Jones.

Just let it shine through.

Mrs. Brown.

He's all sexual.

He's got a lot of dogs.

Doggy.

Hello, hello.

Soul.

I know, but what the hell are you doing here like a doggie?

Hey, doggie.

Everybody.

You know, Turks fuck horses.

All right, guys.

When we tell you something cold-blooded, I know where y'all at.

Yeah, great.

Come visit.

I live in a cave.

No, please don't kill us.

How about that?

Hang on, Ted.

How about that?

Both Teds, hang on.

I ain't making no threats or nothing.

I'm not a clown.

Mrs. Jones.

What?

Are you praying tonight?

night miss jones listen the blood of jesus what will that do for me well hello miss jones

still on the phone miss jones could you pray for these ignorant black folk on the phone yeah

there's some very i got a john i got a john holmes dildo

it's not something i would admit to publicly but yeah you own a dildo i'm gonna fuck you in the

ass with a john holmes dildo you fucking faggot that's what you really want you have a large

Is it a large collection of dildos, or is it just one special one that you keep around?

Here's a car battery on a nightstand.

I think it's a special one that he keeps for his boyfriend in the background.

I wonder how can you say Jesus and your people killed Jesus. The Romans.

Oh shit, don't talk shit about the Romans. You'd be shitting in a hole in the ground for the Romans.

Don't talk shit about Jesus.

The Romans killed Jesus. Now tell me what's going on.

And if he comes back, we'll kill him again, motherfucker.

That's my people, man.

I know it.

I know you would.

Hey, you like this?

You know y'all got access?

Guess what color everybody that's talking, what color they is.

What are you on?

Okay.

Because you got your lips from your boyfriend's dick.

And then you got that mulatto homosexual on the phone.

Beat

y'all ass so bad, my dick gets hard.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Your dick gets hard when you want to fight people?

That's fucking ridiculous.

You got a problem, man.

Now listen, I want to be the motherfucker walking down the street

when y'all plot on a nigga.

I want to be the one walking down a dark road street.

So you can steal my wallet?

And I want to be the one that y'all stop.

Pull over.

Because I'll leave every last one of you motherfuckers.

Do it, do it.

What the fuck is a dark road street?

I want to be the one.

I want to be the one in the alley.

That don't stop and pull over.

Carlito, can you see the chat room?

You're going to be like, there's a motherfucking demon in that alley.

Somebody might get away and be like, we need some holy water.

There's a motherfucking demon in there.

Wow.

Man, I don't know who wasted time with these monkeys.

They just came up.

They just been out of the cage.

6,000 years.

They cannot go back.

Well.

6,000 years.

They cannot even prove they've been here over 6,000 years.

Hey, the Earth is only 6,000 years.

How long has the tree been here and all this shit?

You can't determine how long shit's been here if you wasn't here.

Chinga, Subaliwe.

Prove to me you've been here over 6,000 years.

Bamba Klot.

No, answer the question.

What's the question?

What's the question, boys?

The decay rate of radioactive elements.

Okay.

It's been here longer than 6,000 years, man.

Yes.

Have you ever heard of a thing called Stonehenge?

No, I doubt it.

Say it again.

It's a monolithic structure in South England.

I got a question for you.

It's been there for 8,000 years, and it was built by native Britons.

He's got a point.

Stonehenge is here.

Well, Britain ain't even been in existence 6,000 years.

Now, what are you talking about, man?

Whatever demons, man.

You don't know Stonehenge.

You should go to school, mate.

Go to a library or something.

Look up Stonehenge.

Google it.

hey is it adam and eve or adam and steve i thought it was jim and

charlie hello charlie hey listen i got some black people here they're upset about your stupid food

Yeah, piece of shit.

All right, he's gone.

Yeah, he's not Mexican.

He's Hawaiian.

That's the Brown Brothers.

The Brown Brothers want some of this.

It ain't enough ass for them.

That man was Chinese.

That man was...

Speak English.

Yeah, speak English, guys.

Yeah, I'm just hearing clicks and whistles.

I can't understand.

I wasn't here to try to pick a bad language.

language. Anyway, listen, guys,

you boys are going to let you guys go.

Thank you very much for being in the show.

It has been an absolute pleasure, sir.

You faggots, what else do y'all want to talk about?

Which one's the Asian brother, man?

I heard something, man.

That's the African brother. What's the Asian

brother? Can we meet for coffee

and then afterwards go back and

check out your broomsticks?

And your dildo, your John Holmes dildo?

What's the Asian brother's name?

I don't know what the Asian brother's name is.

We need to sit down and say something, and you really get to be the agent that we need.

Then we call him Slant.

We call him Slant.

He thought that was funny.

Bob Barker here, motherfucker.

Barker?

You only like Bob Barker because he's got that long, thin microphone.

Thundun Slant.

How about David Banner?

All right, guys.

You big-ass David Banner hit.

Incredible Hulk hit.

Hulk hit.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Listen, I really got to move on with my show

I don't know, guys, should we give them the website?

Or should we just leave them?

Oh, God, no

Seriously

They won't be able to find it

White trash

Go hijack some internet

Easy on the racism, guys

It's a family show

Do you guys still...

I don't know why he's over there.

What did you say?

Oh, long motherfucking dinosaur motherfucker.

Yeah, the white trash motherfucker

be the first one to call somebody poe.

He ain't got a pot to piss in or a window...

No, he got a window to throw it out.

What the fuck is that?

Okay, but we can call you guys next week, right?

Next week?

Yeah, you guys can call us back next week.

Hot cum catchers.

We'll talk to you guys.

We'll talk to you boys next week, all right?

You don't have internet

Why would I give you the website

You don't know how to get to it do you

It's www.4chan.org

And listen

It's

www.4chan.org

Shut up

www.tubgirl

No, www.whitehouse.org

Whitehouse.com

Are you at the computer now?

Guys, be quiet.

Guys, be quiet for a moment.

No, go to whitehouse.com

Go to the start button.

Y'all don't give a fuck about the website.

Which one is real?

With your eye in the eye and shit, bro.

Meat spin. This is meat spin right here.

Don't throw a rock at your head. Throw a rock and come forward

before we can snap that motherfucker off.

Mr. Gorilla.

I'm trying to give you the website.

Ted, Ted, UK Ted, quiet, guys, Ken

Alright, listen, I'm going to give you the website

Alright, what is it?

We're on the Meat Spin Show

It's Madhouse Meat Spin

It's Meat Spin

Meat, like you eat

MeatSpin.com

Madhouse

Madhouse on the Meat Spin Network

It's just MeatSpin.com

Alright

MeatSpin.com

Yeah, MeatSpin.com

Make sure you spell that right

M-E-A-T-S-E-Y

Guys, let him talk.

He's a queer.

He's when everybody get mad.

He go ahead and jack them off.

Man, there's some faggot shit on here, man.

John Holmes, yo, though.

There's some faggot shit right here.

That's awesome.

That's our show.

I don't even know what you're thinking about what you're talking about, man.

Going on with your games.

One man, one day.

I know, I know, I know.

Let's all agree on this.

Star Monkey, Star Monkey.

Sure.

BoysOneHorse.com

Horse.

Horse?

Ain't you a monkey?

No, I'm a horse.

We're homo erectus.

Only on weekends when I'm with your mom.

You was made in the laboratory, motherfucker.

Yo mama, you the original test tube baby.

I can't carry on talking to you guys.

It's draining me.

A lot of emotional distress going on over here.

We're going to do some more calls.

I don't know how true it is.

Here's saying you guys made the original test tube, baby.

You just made it in a laboratory on an island.

Yeah, it's about pretty much the same.

She was the first test tube, baby.

Like Jurassic Park.

Sparadogs course.

Hey, man, where did y'all come from?

The cave.

the cave

the cave from the moon

we're moon crickets

oh yeah

I'm out in the cave

all the time

alright guys

say goodbye

I'm hanging up

we're gonna move on

alright we love you guys

really really

honestly love you

I love you

I love you too

I told one of them

I might be their daddy

so why they playing

love you daddy

bye

love you daddy

jeez

wow

I thought I wound up

at the zoo

didn't know what the hell

was going on

I don't know

dude that was awesome

milkman

good with the

the incendiary

coming. No, the meat spit was

funny, too. Gotta keep it well-balanced.

No, we're calling it

trash. I was hoping they would stay on the

line so we could hear the result of them going

to the page, too. That was great. Oh, no, you

heard him. Yeah, he was like, man, this old

faggot shit right here.

I can't believe they've never heard of that site.

Of course they have. They don't use the internet

very often, do they?

How long was that? I've had, like, 15

different friends trying to send me that stuff, and I'm like, oh,

no. Not getting me with that.

Milkman.

Now, one guy, one jar.

Is that the guy that sits on the jar?

Yeah, that's horrid.

Wow, yeah.

Jesus Christ, that's horrid.

Yeah, it's really sad.

Yeah, you've got to look at that one there, man.

You'll really be amazed.

It's a saddening thing.

Good God.

Next, we've got to send him to a lemon party.

Every week, if we ever talk to him again, we should make it a regular thing.

Maybe eventually we'll give him the site.

Did you guys call them, or did they call back in?

I called them.

I had the number

That's the first prank of the night

And it was like 30-40 fucking minutes long

That was well over an hour

I was disappointed in the blood of Jesus lady

She didn't say anything

I felt bad about that actually

She sounded really old and frail

Yeah but I was hoping she'd join in

And get angry because they were talking bad about Jesus

But she didn't really react

No she seemed kind of relaxed actually

She was just kind of like what the hell is going on

Yeah she stayed there for a while

Wow, she's like, every once in a while she's like, hello, hello.

She may have just partaken in some communion there and hit it a little too hard.

Charlie was a little wound up tonight, I noticed, when I called him in, dialed him in.

I think he was laughing, though.

Yeah, he was having fun with it, I think.

Anyway, IG69 or whatever he calls himself now is here.

Hey, man.

Hey, what's up?

Son of a bitch.

All right, well, there we go.

Chinga to Molly, son of a bitch.

He said a few new ones, Charlie did.

He said Chinga to Molly.

He was saying some other ones, too.

I got a...

He was trying to do a rant there.

He says Chinga to Molly or something.

Yeah, but he said Chinga to Molly way, way, way.

Way, way.

Oh, he did?

He said way?

Yeah.

Is he doing remixing it?

I guess.

He's having fun.

Chinga to Molly.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we got a lot of numbers here to get to and about an hour left of show.

I can't believe how fast that went.

that was it's hard like i i wanted to hang out but they just keep reeling in with the crazy

shit those guys talk about it's just hard not to it's it's hard i just want to know their story

too like why the one guy go to prison and why do they talk to each other every night it seems

how was he's like oh i'll talk to him right now hang on hang on i think they're plotting

They're plotting their revolution.

I don't know.

He's like, yeah, I'll remember.

Let me call him in.

Hang on.

All right.

How did you come across these guys in the first place?

I put a Craigslist ad that I needed to help move in,

and the first guy called me,

and I made weird comments that he was black,

so I couldn't have him come by because my wife was afraid of black guys.

And then we got into a big argument about Malcolm X,

and he hung up then he he like he was all upset about it and then he had his friend the other guy

calling to debate me for like 30 minutes that was the whole thing with evil arty and evil arty said

some racist stuff to them too anyway evil arty was calling during i'm not stapling by the way

i don't know who that is just in case you call that with me who's stapling ig that you okay

don't say anything i'm gonna pop this one for carlito here all right thank you i could use

some beer have we uh i missed last week's show have we heard anything have we heard anything

about what about arty yeah yeah there's now there's an echo who's echoing i'm gonna hang

echo um already he went back the cops never came looking for him uh the girl pissed him

like tried to get him scared but it didn't work out and he went back for the pipe or something

Something like that. He went back to the Walmart

and got retrieved the bull. That's about it.

Regulate's on here.

If you missed last week's show,

you missed the $30 charge

on the bad neighborhood.

Yeah, I heard it in the podcast.

That was fantastic.

Hey, guys. How you doing?

Hey, Regulate.

I'm not paying a $30 deposit.

It's already done.

Hey, G-Regulate. How you doing, creepy guy?

I gotta be quiet. My grandma's asleep.

Okay.

Okay, what's her number so we can call her?

Yeah, let's call her.

Call her, guys.

Oh, man.

All right, so we got Greek restaurants here from Lonesome Loser.

We've got the Rusty Pelican Cafe, Turkish Coffeehouse.

Let me call the Turkish Coffeehouse real quick.

Tux Fuck Greeks.

Was that enjoyable at all?

Was that just way too long and drawn out?

It seems like the people in the chat room enjoyed it.

I hope it was good.

It was good, but we were getting drawn on a little bit.

Yeah, but it ended well, getting them to go to Meat Spin.

That was a good ending.

That made it worth it.

We even got a Maven reference in there, Milkman.

Do you like that?

Can you go off the road with me?

Yeah, is this Turkish food?

I'm sorry?

Is this Turkish people food?

Hello?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, is this Turkish people food?

Fuck me.

Tony.

Damn it.

What's the deal with her?

That's funny.

Do I sound bad?

Does it sound okay?

Mayan?

Dudu had a very good idea of a chat room just now.

A deer.

Buy their house to build railway lines?

Well, they're building a new high-speed railway link in the UK at the moment.

Nicholas on Broadway.

Yes, hi.

Is this Turkish food?

No, this is Lebanese.

Lebanese?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so why are the Turks in Greece taking over Greece and stuff?

What's going on with that?

I'm sorry?

Why are the Turkish people going into Greece and taking it away from the Greeks?

I don't know.

Well, aren't you people the same race?

Aren't us people the same way?

Yeah, you people the same way.

What people are you referring to?

Dark Muslim people.

The what?

Dark, nasty, ugly Muslim people.

um i sorry we don't really follow you uh what what's your ethnicity uh that's not really

pertinent that's kind of personal are you turkish uh no i'm not turkish this is not a turkish

restaurant the only thing we serve here that is turkish is turkish coffee you're by what are you

lebanese uh as i said before uh my ethnicity is personal oh you're gay i see he is i think you

You obviously touched a nerve there.

Oh, yeah, something hit home, definitely.

I touched the gay nerve.

Oh, hang on.

We'll do a third.

You can do three, and it's not a crime.

Oh, malikom?

Me gay?

What?

Hey, Ted, that reminds me that you're saying malikom.

Milkman made peace with KDK recently.

I don't know if you heard that or missed it or not.

Yeah, that's true.

They were on the air on KDK's show, and you know what?

want kdk said he would like to hopefully maybe you one day call a show and and maybe uh that piece

with him i'm just i i said i would work on it i would let you know that he was interested in you

listening to his show and maybe calling in one saturday so he's he's actually doing much better

kdk i think it'd be great if you guys maybe talk did a few pranks together or something like that

i think it would mean a lot to him so i'm just letting you know spreading the word kdk are you

Are you guys going to, like, join forces again, Carlito?

I don't think I'd want to.

I mean, not that I don't like Katie Katie or anything like that.

I just don't think I'm going to join forces with him.

Yeah, I think it's better the way we are.

We're all friends and we respect each other.

And, yeah, but no, I don't know.

I just don't know.

But I'm more, you know, with phone losers now, Cacti Radio,

and they have their own Saturday show, too.

It would be really awkward for me to be, you know, with Katie Katie on one side

and, you know, phone losers.

I think I'm happy with phone losers

and Cacti Radio. I think that's

our place to be. Especially

a huge, tremendous outpouring of love

that I got from everyone

associated with the PLA

last year. We do love you. Well, yeah.

It really meant, I was thinking about this the other day,

it really meant a lot when I was going through

my surgeries and all that.

Just a really, you know,

very, tremendous

outpouring of support and concern

for me and everything.

thing. And I consider

RBCP and Brad

a good friend. He's good people.

We talk a lot. And yeah,

nothing but positive things. I love

I think, and Milkman said the same thing.

I think we both love being on

Cacti Radio.

I have nothing but love for the PLA guys.

They're all wonderful people. Yeah, they're good people.

Well, it's because we're all

gay. All of us PLA people, we're

actually gay. And that's fine. Nothing wrong

with that. And I like Blue Planet

also. Ted, don't feel bad. It's cool.

Oh, yeah, I was ready to slit my wrists for validation.

The Blue Planet guy.

Well, you're not doing any live shows, right, Ted?

We're just manhouse.

No, but you know who contacted me the other day?

The guy who still runs RadioPrank.com.

He just doesn't run it on Shoutcast anymore.

Okay.

He was curious if it was me who was running Blue Planet

because I think the last time he knew me it was in the PCU days.

Oh, okay.

So he said he's more doing

like old time

TV shows now like on the radio

Old time TV shows or

like radio shows you mean

What do you mean like the serials

No like old TV shows but he just

puts the audio up on shoutcast

Well that would work right

like yeah I don't know maybe

Oh there was a lot more dialogue and less

action and special effects in the old days

Yeah I guess so

Like Bill Cosby would be good audio only

I guess

who the fuck is that what's going on

someone who's a stapling son of a bitch

Ted leave your work

I'm not stapling I'm

I'm off work tonight

yeah well don't bring your

I'm off work tonight and I'm muted when I'm not talking

don't bring your work home who's doing that

I'm on a

academic sabbatical I've taken a month off

someone's over there

is it IG is that you man

stop it it's IG 69

I'm muted

you're unmuted

no you're not muted

you're unmuted

your voice is muted

get your grandma

out of your room with you

and tell her to stop

stapling shit

yeah

tell her to stop

doing your laundry

do your own laundry

IG-69

geez

come on man

grow up already

did you do your own laundry

IG-69 or anything

you do chores

no

oh wow

thank you so much

I don't do that

what a lazy jerk

grandma's over there

sewing his name

into his fucking

underwear and shit

I like

I like Gregulate's

imitation of IG

no I don't do that

hey guys i'm at my house right now it's just like you remember was it a thanksgiving when

he was in the basement he was like i could be as loud as i want he's like he's all excited

don't forget when we're all old and dead ig will still be prank calling so we've got a we've got

a nurture this talent well he he needs to get better by then at least yeah he'd not crack

crack himself up when he just says hi at the beginning like hey how's it going

help laughing oh look at you it's got a little bit of humor see we're trying to get you riled

up ig so then this way you'll have like an attitude and then you'll be more funny and

daring and then we'll like you dirty errands here in the days how you doing sir i'm doing fine sir

how come you didn't ask about the collard greens or the turnip greens the turnip greens oh man i

I didn't think about that.

A good recipe for that.

I've got to make a list of things to ask.

Call him back.

No.

Call him back.

No.

Just to ask him one quick question.

All right, see you guys later.

It'll turn into a half hour.

Well, the white man.

I like the guy who's giving their name to Thunder and one of the other guys, Dimeslot.

Yeah.

It's like, you see, the white man wants us to put poke in the collard greens because that's his poison.

And it's got salt and sodium.

They want us to put pork in our bean pods.

You see?

Because King Sam was a faggot.

And he ate the first pig.

Prove to me that the earth is...

Prove to me you've been here long enough.

He fucked a dog and he got a pregnant.

And it was a pig.

Yes, hi. Appleby.

Appleby, hi. Listen.

I have news about David. Is he there?

Hello.

I have news about David.

What do you want?

David was interested in donating one of his kidneys

kidneys for a amount of money. Excuse me, it's five o'clock in the morning. Yeah, I know. Well,

we have a patient who needs to get that kidney. David, he put himself on a list where he was

going to give up one of his kidneys for some money. He was going to get a payment for a kidney.

So we're ready to prep him for surgery. How soon can you be here? Call him, please. I'm calling

from the National Kidney Administration from the United States of America. We're going to send a

plane over to England to go pick him up. Nothing wrong. National Kidney Administration.

National Kidney Foundation is what I should have said.

Hello?

Applebee?

Applebuy?

I'm calling the police, okay.

No, no, no.

The kidney first, please.

Then call the police.

Okay?

Please?

Can I have your kidney?

No.

Okay.

I don't think we want her kidney.

I don't know that I have anything else in me here for prank calls.

I got a lot of UK numbers.

Anybody want to call the UK?

You guys let me know.

I'm going to call Debbie now.

She's not going to answer, man.

We'll call her and she won't answer.

We can do that if you want.

Yeah.

Google Voice isn't working for me tonight.

I've tried it like three or four times.

You can prank everybody on a Thursday.

Eventually they're going to start just unplugging their phones and shit.

I'm amazed that Charlie hasn't done that yet.

I'm amazed Charlie hasn't figured that one out yet.

He's so dumb.

Hey, I'm on it.

Who else is in the chat room tonight?

In the chat room.

Let's see here.

Let me play my chat room check-in music.

In the chat room tonight we have Deuce Box.

Wow.

And that's it.

Now we have Gregulate, who's op somehow.

I don't know how that happened.

Lonesome Loser.

uh new new stallion amd big toke bone thuggish oh long time listener what's up bone thuggish

not long time i know he's in there debo who will steal your chain

it's my bike punk

i just had i just had

he's a mongoloid he's a mongoloid oh man remember when debo was it didn't he wrestle for a while

but didn't he he had the movie with hulk hogan where he wrestled hulk hogan then he became then

he went to the wwe for a while zeus something like that was that the same guy i seem to recall it

yeah whatever david 434 uh dirty aaron who's also here on the skype jimmy with five or six m's

juice box i go for a juice box right now caraz big maven max a donkey max all right that's my

girl max a dunk who max hang on it's cut off here what's going on come on merc mirc max and one

horse oh cool uh mikey 129 msc3 clay ted webb who got unopped here let me up him here he probably

Probably doesn't care, but I'll help him anyway.

The N, Tuck.

I didn't see Tuck in there.

Let me help him also.

UK, Ted.

Yo.

William, 272.

Bookapoo, IG69.

Ken, Kokanee.

My remains.

Her remains this year.

My brother.

MPSA, Cobra, and Sporty Board wrapping up the day in the chat room.

Roll call.

Excellent, man.

We got a good group of people in there.

And breaking news, D-Star Poppy just came in.

All right.

Oh, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus.

Oh, Amadeus.

Okay.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome one, welcome all.

Waka, waka, waka.

I downloaded that Muppets movie.

Is it any good?

My cousin, who's with us until Saturday, she's visiting.

She watched it.

I didn't get a review from her yet, though.

She watched it right before the show tonight.

Have her come in and go in front of the camera and wave hi to the audience.

No, she's in the living room.

She's not here.

She what?

She's in the living room.

She's shy?

Yeah, probably.

I don't know.

she doesn't like you milkman milkman i talked to you about her yesterday you're like oh how old is

she like yeah i'm not gonna hook you up perfect well tombstone sure don't deserve it that's for

sure actually tombstone and her going out on a date this weekend saturday oh my god yeah

how could you do that to her i know right uh here's a number in england hey it doesn't matter

but maven's got my heart i got you uh does anybody want to talk to john alsop call it now before i

dial it i'll talk to him all right what's the story for john also some guy it's just some guy

about to get morning time hello hello

can you hear me yes hello sir good morning i'm back

into voicemail the person you have called is on the phone please leave a message

yeah it's on the phone is that answering it's probably trying to like star 67 you

you guys got star 67 voicemail we've got 1471 it's the same thing god why you gotta hit so

so many buttons because we've got very skinny fingers so we can't because they're not all

fat asses over there i know you're so lazy all right well we got john all caught instead you

want to try this one also dirty aaron maybe have better luck with it all caught that's his last

name a-l-l-c-o-t-t first name john as in jonathan john all right john damn it john like john and

that'd be an answer here instead i will call and speak to i will speak to sasa gonzalez

us hello you'll be taken at the moment is that the uh open book girl yes she's looking for work

i got some work for her dirty work good movie you guys have never seen dirty work i recommend

the movie dirty work love me some dirty work donald funny imagine how much cocaine they had

to have to get that movie done oh man they had what's this that was the uh chris farley's last

movie wasn't it uh maybe yeah stacy hold on one moment hello stacy yes you got a new phone number

huh i did who is this this is my phone number my old phone number i couldn't pay for it anymore

they took it from me um i've actually had this number for a while i know well i had a long time

i know well i had it then why are you saying that it's new i'm like a track phone and i had to have

minutes on it i haven't used it in about six months but it's the same number i used six months

ago and we turned off our home line so i gave out that number well during the meantime i had the

I was using the number.

They gave it to me.

Track phone.

I got it at the gas station.

What?

Yeah.

Well, I've used it forever.

I mean, for like the last two years.

Well, they were explaining that after 30 days, if you stop using the phone, that the number drops off.

It goes back into the pool.

So when they activated my service, they gave it to me, and then all of a sudden, my phone stopped working.

And I called to find out why, and it said that your account had a priority over mine, and they took my phone number.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

I mean, I obviously was clueless about that because, you know, when I was in school, I had to have a phone.

Well, I need to have a phone, too.

This isn't fair because I need to have a phone, too, and I'm at the payphone now, and what am I supposed to do?

Wait a minute.

I didn't do this to you.

The track phone did this to you.

Well, they said you made a big deal about it on the phone and that they had to give it to you.

That's what the lady, that's what Frances said.

Track phone told me just now.

Wow. And she gave me your phone number to call.

She gave you my phone number to call.

She said your name was Stacey Gonzalez.

I've used this number on this track phone for years.

And just because we didn't use it for a few months

and they were stupid enough to give it to somebody else,

if you didn't make the payment and it was out for 30 days,

this has been my number for a long time.

You don't have to call me stupid. I'm not stupid.

That's not very nice of you to say.

You stole my phone number. That's not fair.

I did not steal your phone number.

You made a nasty statement.

actually my husband set it up i'm gonna let him talk to you because he's the one to put more

minutes on this isn't fair i always have this number this isn't fair hello listen they told

me a track phone that because i got this phone number because your wife damn it she she hadn't

used the phone it went it went inactive it was stale they call it for 30 days so the phone number

goes into the track phone system pool and then i bought a track phone so i could go to school and

and talk to my parents this semester.

And then all of a sudden, when you activated the phone

and you people made a big deal about it,

then they had to disconnect my phone line

and all the money I put in to activate the phone card.

We didn't make a big deal about anything.

Well, they...

We didn't call...

Stopping...

You're calling and accusing us of something.

Well, track phone accuses you.

Well, I'm telling you the story here.

I activated the phone.

When you put time on your track phone,

you get 30 days.

I put so much time on this phone that I have this phone until 2017.

Well, that's the problem.

Well, that's the problem if you have a track phone, not with me.

You have a problem with track phone, not with me.

Well, you owe me.

They said I had to contact you to get my money back for what I had paid for my card.

You're not getting any money from me.

Well, then you're getting this bloody bollocks.

That's not fair.

How do I owe you any money?

because I paid money for the track phone

and they gave me the number

then get your money from track phone

they said no they said it was a Stacy problem

well I'm sorry we're not giving you any money back

I purchased my air time

and I purchased my time

to have this phone number

till 2017

that doesn't mean anything to me

no it doesn't mean anything to me

just because you have more money

are you rubbing your money in my face

and your wife is calling me stupid

stupid i'm i'm not i'm not i'm not rubbing any money in your face you're i'm saying i have news

for you i paid for the service i paid for that service through 2017 and i use this phone for

business so i put lots of minutes on it and i'm sorry you're gonna have to deal with track phone

well i have news i have news for you i'm not the stupid person you're the stupid person

number one and number two number two you're not supposed if you have a if you're using a track

phone for business purposes then it's against the contract you're supposed to get a business account

so i can get you in big trouble okay go ahead all right well what's i want to get your information

because i'm going to sue you i'm talking to my lawyer go ahead what's your social security

number i gotta figure that you're not having a whole lot of luck with the lawyer what's your

social security number you really think i'm that stupid just give me the last four digits i know

I'll give you my last four.

I don't care.

My last four are 1732.

I'm sorry.

1732.

All right.

Does anybody want to call from track phone?

Bubba Johnson, would you like to explain the situation?

Mm-hmm.

I'll explain it.

Well, thanks.

Even better as you're running up his minutes right now on that track phone.

Sounds like a Jack Masterson problem.

Busy.

Busy because it came from the same number from Skype.

So, I can fix that.

hang on so yeah uh carlito uh dirty works was farley's uh last movie he was uncredited in it

but uh that was his last one yeah wasn't there a hooker that bit his nose off or his tongue off or

something in that movie i sent you a sound bite from that movie uh it's called time to pay the

fiddler if you look it up uh in the email i sent you it's the exact sound of it oh wow okay i'll

What did you send it, an email?

Yeah, I sent it to, I think it was Gmail.

Oh, Gmail account?

The email address you gave me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Time to pay the fiddler.

Let's see.

Just now you sent it?

I sent it last week.

Oh, one of those from last week.

Okay, yeah.

Then I'd have to find it.

I didn't get to get those.

I'm sorry.

I'm a jerk.

All right, Bubba Johnson, you ready?

CeCe Gonzalez is the name.

Is that all we know?

Yeah, and the phone number.

Where are they at?

Uh, well, let me look up the area code, yeah.

So, are you calling on behalf of the phone company?

At our house, it's a pay anyway.

Track phone is the pay, yes.

Uh, yeah, Bubba Johnson will be calling on behalf of the phone company.

Bubba Johnson has...

Bubba Johnson in the past also worked for Bell South,

where he traced, uh, interrupted a prank call

that he was, uh, that was going on to Adolphus Cotton,

if I remember correctly.

Uh, these...

Right, he's a member of AT&T Security.

Yeah.

I don't want to get out over that line, man,

because they'll try to give us a check if I can avoid it.

What?

They come down here a little while ago, man.

It was kind of getting pricky.

I like that you called him a bloody bastard or something.

Bloody bollocks, I think I said.

Bloody bollocks, isn't it?

That's from the internet service providings prank from back in the day.

Sounds like a Jin Stewart kind of thing to say.

You bloody mollucks.

This is going to work.

Getting dead.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Try again.

They're probably calling track phone right now.

They're calling track phone?

They probably are.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press...

Oh, that's not how it works.

Shit.

You have no new messages?

You just check their messages?

No, no, no, no, no.

That was my son.

Long story.

Wait a minute.

Are you able to change your incoming number?

Or the number you dial out from?

I just, I go over to...

The call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

They don't want to run up to us now.

Wah, wah, wah.

Don't they get free minutes after a certain time?

Track phone?

I thought you did.

So you get charged to be called?

That seems weird.

Yeah, I think, isn't it in the UK?

Your cell phone rates are really good out there in the UK, I think, right?

Isn't it something where you get, like, how much is it for a text message?

Isn't it like pennies or something like that?

Well, whatever.

yeah yeah it's like maybe maybe three pence so six cents the hell's that i don't know well you

get unlimited plans here and stuff but you gotta pay 20 a month 30 bucks on track phone it's uh

they charge you by the unit i think text messages are like uh three tenths of a unit and then

anybody you call or they call in it just deducts from the amount you have on there it's it's really

ridiculous i can't believe you get charged to be called that seems so strange yeah yeah you do

yeah you do

incoming comes out of your

out of your mess yeah I remember my first

cell phone was with aerial communications

and their big thing was like you don't

get charged for the first incoming minute

so I remember like people will

call me and I'll be like oh yeah yeah I'll call you right back

and then I go to a pay phone or I go to a

go to my you know if I was at home

I'd call them from the home phone

so you may as well have had a page event basically

yeah

it was just like 98, 99

when I had that cell phone so

So, yeah, I remember that.

And then their big thing was, like, you know, we have true per second billing, which I don't think anybody does anymore.

Like, because, you know, if you use a minute, a minute's a minute.

Well, they did by the second.

So, like, you know, if you only had a – if your phone call was five minutes and 12 seconds, it took out – you know, you only took out – you didn't end up with six minutes coming out of your pool for the month.

It was five minutes and 12 seconds, I remember.

That was really cool.

I remember that.

Aerial Communications was a good...

I think I already did a research.

It got bought out by Primeco, who became T-Mobile, I think.

I'm with T-Mobile now.

I must say.

T-Mobile came out

and the CEO,

after the whole debacle with the AT&T

merger not going through, thank God,

and all that shit,

he came out now and he's like,

we're going to fix this.

We're going to right the ship.

We're going to set it afloat again.

Again, we're going to address the issues.

So we'll see what happens because it's bullshit.

I don't know if there are any T-Mobile customers out there,

but back in the day they had J.D. Pyron Associate ratings for their customer service.

Now it sucks.

Now you've got 30-minute-plus hold times.

You used to never get that, number one.

And number two, their plans used to be so lenient and stuff,

and now they nickel and dime you like Athena when they get a new phone.

And we were like, we're going to pay out of pocket for the phone.

oh, we don't want to get the upgrade.

We don't want to extend the contract.

We just want to pay for the phone outright because in the long run,

you end up saving, and I didn't want to add any more time to that contract.

I want to get out of T-Mobile altogether.

And they still charge a $35 phone upgrade fee.

I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.

Like, we're just buying the phone.

I'm like, yep, that'll pay.

The phone upgrade fee.

They're ridiculous.

I called one time about a phone I had, and they tried to sit there and tell me.

I'm like you know I'm dropping calls left to right

No signal and they're like oh yeah

It's probably just because of the type of phone you have

And I'm like you're fucking kidding me

Are you for real

Wow that's fucking shit

Yeah but they're saying

They have a premium charge for Blackburn

You gotta go through their servers

Yeah I know it's just I don't know

I've got two I carry two phones with me

And the one line I'm gonna

I'm getting ready to move

I'm gonna port that I'm gonna pay the $25

Fee and port it over to Google Voice

so i'll have it forever and they charge you to port it uh google voice google just charge they

just it's a one-time lifetime fee of 25 to bring your cell phone number over to google voice okay

gotcha yeah and that's when i used to work for comcast uh there was never any fees and stuff

for porting cell phones to the new number you want anything like that yeah well that's yeah

well yeah by by law you're not supposed to charge a port over fee uh and you know they're supposed

supposed to all support it but google voice has charged you to to do it because it's not a

traditional but if you think about it it's going to be great i'll get to keep that number i've had

this number for eight years i don't want to lose it that's part of the reason why i've kept it in

my t-mobile plan but i'll move it over to google voice i'll have it forever and the one thing that

i was waiting for that that just got announced a few weeks ago was mms support for google voice

finally coming out they've got sms but they did not have mms up until just now milkman you're a

sprint user you can get mms you can you can get mms already since you're on sprint milkman by the

way on google voice yeah but also you can get a free uh switch over for your number directly to

uh google there you go there you go cool i had sprint 10 years ago it was terrible i did too

good man i've had them for like about nine years now and they uh give you special loyalty rewards

and stuff man you get like free upgrades uh you know you get a lot of different perks man and

And any time you call in there, man, they help you right away if you've been with them for a while.

Yeah, T-Mobile used to be, I used to call T-Mobile, and the first thing they would say was,

Well, you know, sir, we'd like to thank you for being a T-Mobile customer for seven years.

How can we help you today?

I'd never get that anymore when I'd call them.

They don't give a fuck.

No, they don't give a shit.

They don't give a shit anymore.

They used to.

They call us Sprint Premier Customer.

Oh, you see.

I could get discounts on buying stuff, all kinds of shit.

Sprint knows what they're doing, man.

I mean, well, they're in third place when it comes to carriers.

but they know what they're doing i got two iphone machines is they own all their towers they borrow

very little they own their towers and they've got free roaming too yeah they built their network

from the ground up you got two iphone machines is it yeah two iphone machines i can make a car

payment with my fucking cell phone bill yeah shit yeah yeah i got a windows phone old windows phone

windows it's a windows mobile 6 phone it's old as fuck and i i got 6.5 on windows mobiles

Yeah, I just

like it. It's nice, easy to use.

I got my Android phone

and Athena's got an Android phone.

We've got three phones on the plan.

I think we pay about $200 a month.

I think, total. After data.

Required data and all that shit.

Anyway, let's take a look at his...

Yeah, I know. I'm going to look at the request of pranks

here. Nunu's said he's been

him and Lonesome Loser have been

sending in mobile

phone numbers for people

on the new high-speed rail link.

There's a big brouhaha about building through people's back gardens,

so I think you can upset people that way.

An Englishman's home is his castle,

so you upset English people very well if you threaten their land, I think.

That's true. That's what I hear.

Well, Mr. Francis Fletcher is one of those.

So they're going to build in the back of people's gardens.

Tell him he has to move out.

Are they going to build the train in there?

Move his garden.

Yes, this is the Fletcher residence.

Francis Fletcher and the old lady.

Hello?

You need to tell them that you don't really give a crap about their home or anything

and that you'll burn it down and piss on it.

During construction, they have to stay indoors.

Hello? Fletcher?

What do you want?

Yeah, listen, I'm calling from the National Train Administration.

We're calling regarding the train that's going to be going through your property.

I couldn't care less. Go away.

Well, listen, you need to stay inside.

We're beginning construction tomorrow.

Oh, come on.

That guy was rude.

I think he wants you to call him back.

I think that's what he said.

Give his wife a little chowder.

Hello?

Fletcher?

Fine.

Fletcher, you stay there and listen.

Yes, Rob, Baxter Residence?

Yes.

Excellent.

My name is Ralph Littlejohn.

I'm calling from the Royal Train Administration.

I know if you're aware that we're going to be building a train through your property,

high-speed train.

No, it's not coming through our property.

It is, actually.

We're going to be offering you a sum of money to purchase your home.

And within the next seven days, we're going to start construction in your area.

Why are you ringing at this time in the morning?

It's 5 o'clock here in England.

Well, the surveyors are going to be there within the next 60 minutes

to begin surveying your property for the train that's going to come through.

Why would they come at this time in the morning?

Because they have a lot of houses to get to,

and you're only going to have seven days until you have to move out.

You're joking.

uh no we're gonna give you a valuation of your home and you have seven days to gather your effects

and get out before the train comes through you're talking rubbish i am not you're talking wrong

it's true i am they're squatters man eminent domain excuse me back hello yes have you heard

of eminent domain we have the right to go through and build this train through your house whether

you move out or not you understand well you just no no get i want we you have seven days to get

it out of the home the train's going through your home yes shut up hey jack have you gotten those

squatters to move yet hello francis robin baxter your home is now ours it belongs to the united

states of america train administration and we're gonna burn it down and then i'm gonna piss on the

ashes international business machines and train administration ask your wife about the train

administration, she knows. We run trains

on her all the time.

The bloody yaks are building

a train. Isn't there

a movie, like a country western kind of

movie, where didn't some people go

to a house and they said, we're gonna

build the train through here. And then they're like, we ain't

selling. And then the sons got started

fighting. Wasn't that Tombstone?

American Outlaws

with Colin Farrell. Okay.

No, it was Back to the Future 3.

Back to the Future 3.

Scott Cann

Colin Farrell

and a couple other people in it

it wasn't Blazing Saddles

Can we call Slavo?

What do you want to call Slavo?

I thought last time you freaked out

that Slavo figured out who you were or something.

I told you how he figured it out.

So, he's going to know again.

You're going to freak out again.

He's going to drop your name

and I'm going to have to go in there

and edit it all intensely.

Want me to call Slavo a piece of shit or something?

I don't know.

I said I want a massage.

He's like, we don't do massages.

I missed that.

How did he figure it out?

He's such a liar.

Don't call Slavo again.

Well, I'm calling him right now.

Oh, God.

I'll shout out your real name.

Hello?

Yeah, Slavo.

My name is Slavo.

This is Aldred Francis.

Who?

I'm looking for E. Aldred Francis.

I have no idea who you are.

Listen, we're building a train through your house.

Pardon?

We're building the train.

The high-speed train is going to be built through your house.

You understand?

You have seven days to move out.

We're going to...

Stop that shit.

Nothing don't go like that.

We're buying your house, but you have to move out at 17.

Your bumper clock.

That guy sounded like a bumper clock.

I was fucking thinking that too,

you know,

a bubble clot at it.

Save that number.

Don't fuck that.

Don't, don't, don't.

Tell them you're offering,

you're offering 2,000 pounds

and that's it.

And a hill of beans.

Yeah, we're offering you

2,000 pounds for your home

so we can build a train.

Why don't you go and stick it

in your,

stick it in your stupid ass hole.

Fantastic.

Alright, 2,001 pounds.

That's the British

that you're asking for.

I want to talk to her. Call her back.

We got MP Sac Obras here.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, hey. Hello. Hi.

Hey there. Hey, Aaron.

Hey, Cobra. Hello?

Yes, hi. The train's going through your house.

Will you... 2,000 pounds.

Hey, run the train on your wife also.

It'll be fantastic.

I like how he answers hello like he's wondering if it's

someone else. You gotta save that

guy's number. He's a cracker.

Hello? He's a cracker. You're

racist, man.

No, I meant that, like, he's a funny guy.

Oh, okay.

Who's the cracker?

You, the cracker.

Hello.

I'm the cracker.

Hello.

You're a cracker.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Okay.

If you don't evacuate the premises right now, you will be killed by the train.

Do you understand me?

Wow.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.

Speak up.

The train.

Hey, wait.

What's going on?

The train.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

It's a train.

It's coming.

I command now.

I jerk off in a sock sometimes.

he said train is coming oh man i like speak up ig69 i command you the the black guys uh

i thought my command is a royal guard you must move the black guys really didn't like it when

i called don't impersonate an officer when i was like hey you boys you know what you

wait wait a minute i really like i was like i really want to smack you i want to choke you out

this guy i'm gonna choke you how about the queen mother's royal guard

Me mother's dead, man.

Get over it.

The one.

Hello.

You're not available now.

Please leave your name and phone number after this.

Every time you got up on the black guys there, they always reverted back to,

Put us all in the room.

I come out bloody.

Yeah, I know, right?

Every time.

Yeah, they can't fight in caves, though.

Well, they come and, like, you know, I fuck your mom and this and that.

And it's like, but then you're fucking an animal.

They were monkeys.

I'll use a John Holmes dildo on my buddy and then on you.

I want to get to the bottom of what they were talking about, how King Solomon shaved the hair off a white woman who was an animal.

And he was telling me to grow my hair and then see what happens.

See who the animal is.

Laugh Track Matt.

He started the Freemasons.

Laugh Track Matt.

What's up?

What's up, big guy? How you doing?

The other milkman.

Hey.

Hey, Matt. Good to see you, man.

Broken man drunk off his ass tonight or what?

He looks it.

Where did you get it?

I wore my PLA shirt, Matt.

The unauthorized Harley one

Yes hello

Yes I'm calling from the train administration

We're going to be purchasing your home

And building the train

Construction begins tomorrow morning

I beg your pardon

Construction is going to begin on the high speed train

Tomorrow morning through your property

So we wanted to make an offer for your home

And assist you with moving out

This is Michael Allen

Crazy

No we're beginning construction as soon as possible

on us before we have a lot

of people complaining. We figure

this is 22 Norton Close.

I'm authorized to

offer you a lot of compensation

for your trouble, sir.

Do you know what time it is?

No, what time is it? It's time to get

out of your house so we can build a high-speed

rail right smack through your living room.

Thank you. Bye.

Do you want some Indian food?

Thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Bye, Cal.

They're sliding.

Like, prank call in the fucking UK is hilarious.

It is.

You know, Matt, next time, don't get the video.

Get the, you know, the credits to call the UK.

The overseas, yeah.

Get the overseas, man.

I'm trying to start video in this Skype conversation,

but it's not working for some reason.

Eh, who cares, video.

Oh, well, it's not a...

It just uses up bandwidth, what do you want?

Yeah, yeah.

Miss Jones.

Hello?

Yes, Ms. Jones, hi.

We're going to be building the high-speed train through your property, through your home.

Is that okay?

Hello?

Miss Jones, we need to find Jesus.

Miss Jones.

Yes, the blood of Jesus can't save you.

We're building a train.

We're building a train to go right through your asshole.

Let's move on.

Place your head firmly between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

Who the hell is stapling?

Blood of Jesus lady, are you going to say anything?

You're just going to sit there.

Blood of Jesus.

She doesn't play anymore, man.

She doesn't get mad.

She keeps it real.

She does keep it real.

Too real, if you ask me.

Real dumb.

Niggas love to keep it real.

Real dumb.

Okay.

Where's that Malato guy?

Yeah, the model.

The Asianic, man.

Asianic people.

The best is still when he finally went to Meatspin.

And he's like, man, man, this old faggot shit I got here.

What if he made it to the, however many spins it is, and when it says you're gay, you're officially gay or whatever.

That's the name of the show right there.

This old faggot shit.

Man, this old faggot shit right here.

Anyone want to talk to Michael Bird about the train?

There you go.

Yes, this is the Bird residence.

Who's that?

This is, my name is Michael Allen.

I'm Michael Allen, I'm with the train administration

We're building a train through our property

You hear the foremans in the background here?

Yes, I can

Okay, so we're making an offer on your home

We're starting construction in 24 hours

So we're going to need you to move out

We'll provide you assistance, a helicopter

And we're going to

I don't know what you're talking about

Your home is

The new high speed train is going to go through your property

So we're going to buy out your property

Construction begins in 24 hours.

Do you know what time this is?

It's 5 o'clock in the morning.

Well, I know, yeah.

We're starting construction.

I think you've got the wrong bird, actually.

No.

Actually, it's 5.41.

Learn to tell the time.

Yeah, it's 23 Shakespeare, correct?

Yeah, we're planning on running a train, and we need your help.

We've got a couple of black boys that are going to help you move out.

That'll be no problem.

Yeah.

I think she likes it.

Yeah, she's like...

Please hold the line.

He's so blind.

She doesn't know how to use a clock.

She goes, ooh.

I think she got excited about the black girl.

She's like, ooh, black.

Well, they did tell us that the black...

What is it if we put him and Ted in a room with a black girl?

Or with a white girl?

She'd go for him?

She'd go for him.

Yeah, it's divided.

He looks so handsome in this costume.

Hello.

This is Michael Bliggich.

Calling.

Yes, my name is Michael Bird.

I'm calling from the train administration.

registration. We're beginning construction

in 24 hours. The high-speed train.

It's going to be going through your property.

We wanted to make you an offer

to purchase your home, and then we need you to move

out within 24 hours. Will you just fuck off?

No, I won't, as a matter of fact.

You fuck off. Fuck off.

Train, train, train.

Call him back. I want to talk to him.

Take it away, Ken.

It wasn't necessary.

It's Michael Blassie.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment,

so leave me your message after the tone.

Leave a message.

Hey, bud. We're going to go ahead and hope that's okay.

We're going to fucking plow down your house

and then we're going to leave another trick or two.

Yeah, Skype just froze on me,

so we just got to do something here.

Are you guys there? Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Skype is not responding.

At least you guys can hear me. Hopefully Skype will

decide to play. Nice. Here we go.

I must say, those of you that aren't on my

tiny chat should check out Matt Hillock.

He's a damn sexy guy right now.

Right away.

I'm sorry, what? In a tiny chat?

He's got his video on.

Yeah.

Me and Matt have got a little

we've occupied Tiny Chat.

Occupied Tiny Chat.

On user and aim

I can't read.

Jesus Christ.

Ace Hunter

said they sent a requester prank.

I didn't get to most of the requester pranks.

That was really bad tonight.

We've still got 15 minutes of show left here so we can try to knock them out.

Let's do it.

We got someone requesting that we call in a bank repossession on a 91 Ford Ranger.

That is an old car, man.

How do you owe payments on a 91 Ford Ranger?

That would be a good car.

A Ford Ranger.

Matt, you want to do a repossession here?

Are you into that?

Yeah, let me.

We got a repossession order from Reggie.

He's requesting the car back.

Matt, don't take your mask off.

Now I look like an asshole.

Oh, whatever.

If I got to talk to somebody.

Yeah, you got to take it off, man.

I can't drink beer

When I'm doing it either

I'll put it back on me

I've got the

PLA hat on though

If you want to do a mask thing

That's okay you don't have to do a prank call

I'm sorry Matt

I'll take it

I think a prank call would be more fun than

Pissing about with masks like hippies

What am I doing

I'm repossessing somebody's car

Yeah we don't have the name

And we just know they're in Wisconsin, and they have a 91 Ford Ranger, and someone wants us to repossess it.

So, here we go.

Tell them Reggie wants a bag.

Reggie.

Say what I can do.

Reggie.

Is that a real name, or is it a false name?

Weed.

I guess this is going to go nowhere.

The voice mailbox you have reached is full.

A message cannot be recorded.

All those repossession calls.

That's always a good sign.

Queens, New York.

Caribbean food restaurant.

around call them and and tell them you want a lolly sandwich what what's that i'm in new york

i can call that okay okay what's a lolly sandwich milkman you lived in the caribbean any idea what

a lolly sandwich is that's uh that's young asian born i thought that was lowly lolly girl lowly

girl okay all right here we go ig69 like three layers disguised can't drink for a bit by now

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ, you're making a lot of noise back there.

What's the show's title?

I don't know.

Asiatic.

Asiatic again?

I don't know.

I think so.

Return of the Asiatic.

I think it's Mulatto.

Mulatto.

That Mulatto over there.

That Mulatto.

Thunder and Slant Eye.

Yeah, there you go.

No, Thunder and Slant.

It was just Thunder and Slant.

Oh, just Slant.

Milkman called him Slant.

He actually laughed at that.

Did he laugh?

He started laughing.

I don't remember.

Milkman had fun with that.

asiatic just means from asia doesn't mean anything else well i i looked it up you know and like i

guess the because i asked him if he's a five percenter he says he's not but all the shit

they talk about is the five percenter shit you know and uh like they call themselves asiatic

and it's kind of silly but they say that they're the continuation of a intelligence of the asian

culture that it was passed on to the Africans

and I don't know, man.

It just doesn't make any sense.

What is Asiatic? What does that mean?

I don't know. It just means from Asia, according to

the Google machine. Right, but then

they're not from Asia.

That's what Milkman got. It was like, because Milkman, he used to have

Japanese and he's like, fuck that, man. I'm Asiatic.

I didn't know Milkman was Japanese.

Afrocentrism.

Is Milkman even on here? Yeah, I think he's with a customer.

That's what's going on. That's where I'm at.

Milkman.

Carlito, how do you feel about

sound boards?

They never seem to work for me. I mean, I'm not against

them. Boy, you got one?

I don't know. Myself and the NPSA

Cobra, you were very successful with them for

quite a few years. Oh, that's good.

The Jack Black one especially is good.

Oh, yeah. Jim Stewart had a lot

of luck with that. I really want to make a sound

board out of that Turkish guy and call

up his restaurant when he's not in and just harass

his staff.

His staff?

I'll get right on waiting

I'm waiting for that because I'm not smart enough to make a soundbite.

I want to do it.

I'll wait until you have macaroni grow and fuck with him again.

Romeo or whatever.

I don't even know that I have.

I've got to look in the archives and see if I can find what macaroni grow that was.

But, yeah.

It was Romano's.

Are they all Romano's?

Romano's macaroni grow.

That's what it's called.

I'm going to invite my friend for like the last few minutes.

You again.

You again?

What do you want?

I'm sorry.

You're not supposed to.

I've already informed corporate about you.

All right.

This is, again, the dispatch office for a coal company.

Ask for Dwayne or Cujo, then just royally screw with them.

Cujo.

Security guards.

I imagine either Dwayne or Cujo could be a lot of fun.

Like, either coal company.

They're security guards.

That's two people whose parents hate them right now.

Yeah, security guards who think they are cops.

I think Cujo is like, he thinks it's cool to be called Cujo.

Yeah.

I'm sure he did it

I'm sure it is

It's a horror movie dog name

I'm sure it's a name he named himself

I'm sure it's a nickname

They just call me Cujo

Because I eat children up

I'm so cool

Yeah

Is Cujo there?

What?

Is Cujo there?

Speak up boy

Is Cujo there?

Cujo!

Oh hey big guy how you doing?

Hey, do you kiss Dwayne there when no one's around?

Do you kiss Dwayne over there when no one's around?

No, I don't.

I'm never there.

I don't have anything to do with Dwayne.

Dwayne says that he went to use the bathroom and that you were watching him through the crack in the door.

Well, all of you guys are queer with each other.

Living in denial.

Wake up on me.

Wow.

Look at that.

Very anti-gay there.

Who's making all the fucking noise?

Who's making all the noise?

I really want to know.

UK Ted, is that you?

someone's making uh yeah well he uh he was doing something with this teddy bear for a moment

but it seems like it's all set up now god damn it man this guy he's not even at work and he's

still making sounds like it's a freaking work hey carlito can i invite my friend for like the last

five minutes can you what knife invite my what my friend for the last five minutes you want your

friend for the last nine minutes yeah you want your what never mind what are you saying say it

it again. Can I invite my friend for the

last five minutes? Oh,

yeah, sure. The girl? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we always need more girls

around to make them feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, totally. Get her on

the touch chat as well. Yeah.

That'll make her feel even better. Hey,

Taylor. Taylor, what's up, girl?

How you doing? No. Taylor.

She's gone. Oh, come

on, man. Bring Taylor back. We talked to her last

week. She's kind of nice. You're a smelly

pirate hooker.

That's me. She's like 16, man.

I wasn't talking about her.

Oh, okay.

Can I read off the other book?

Snacks sent in a prank

request here in Oak Grove,

Kentucky. A man named Cole.

The idea he has is to call him

and tell him that I have had sex

with his wife, Jerrica.

Hey, Taylor.

Taylor.

This hat's so big.

I feel like a mushroom.

I gotta go to the tiny chat after the show so I can see this hat

you keep talking about.

It's a PLA hard hat.

Can you guys unban me from the tiny chat?

I'm banned for some reason.

What did you do?

Nothing, I went on there.

Nunu probably got rid of you.

Yeah, Nunu banned you.

I don't know who has

fucking rights on tiny chat.

I don't have any.

I can't do anything.

Brad Carter does, probably.

Matt doesn't have any rights.

No, there's other cats that do things.

Dark Strangler.

The Strangler.

Where's Dark Stranger been lately?

I haven't heard from her in a while.

She's in the tiny chat all the time.

She's in the dark chat.

What's up with that?

She lurks in the tiny chat.

She doesn't lurk in my chat.

She's drawing mustaches on herself again the other day.

And doing all kinds of wacky shit.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Alright, and I think we only have one more quest or prank left.

You see, this is the problem.

Every time I do this, I don't get to the request

of pranks early in the show.

It gets too late. They don't answer.

Spend too much time talking to Asiatics.

I know. That's what the problem

was tonight.

Papa John's Pizza where an employee was

recently fired for putting down an Asian woman's

name as Lady Chinky Eyes.

I want to talk to him. I like it.

Let me call him.

Who's that? Dirty Aaron? You said you want that one?

Yeah.

Where are they at?

I don't know.

Let me look it up real quick.

UK Ted, is that your spy cam you use to look up broad skirts?

Nice.

Yes.

Yeah.

I like it.

Send me some vids.

Funny.

It's the 212 area code.

That's New York, New York, man.

New York, New York.

Yeah, man.

That's by me.

Wow.

They got to be awake, right?

What is it?

One in the morning?

Yeah.

Is there names?

No.

What's Papa John's Pizza?

That's all I got.

Oh, we're not calling the employee.

We're calling just Papa John's.

Yeah, just the Papa John's is all I got.

I'm sorry, man.

That's all I got.

What?

You want to complain still?

There you go.

Hi.

Hey, no, no.

Head roll.

I'm upset.

Who's taking this?

I am.

All right.

Thank you for calling, Papa John.

Our store is closed.

Please call back.

Oh.

Fail.

Thanks for calling, Papa John.

Get this shit back up.

Abort.

All right.

Yo, Carlito, can I call Debbie Mansfield real quick, please?

You can call.

She's not going to answer me.

Actually, I can't call her tonight because the Google Voice isn't wanting to work right

now, like I said.

Oh, okay.

Voice is broken.

Stupid.

Yeah, and she won't answer Skype because it comes through as unknowable and it doesn't go through for her.

It'll tell me, like, this call cannot be completed.

You got a crush on her, don't you?

Yeah, I know, right?

Don't you?

You got any more UK numbers we can call and ask them about the Republican primaries?

There you go.

Debbie Mansfield's a handsome woman.

I don't know what she looks like.

She's got that mustache lined up just right.

I'll take your word for it.

Now, someone's asking about...

She's like Freddie Mercury, yeah.

The aim user, Ascentathinker, he said he sent in a number for a hooker as a request to prank.

I just went through the mall. I didn't catch it.

So I'm asking him to send it here on the side real quick.

It's 12.58 by my clock, so that would be the last prank of the night.

Unless I got anything else from Lonesome Loser, and I did.

Romano's Macaroni Grill. This is the one where Romeo is at.

this could be the first time ever

I've been here from the end of the show

good yeah you didn't have to work

you didn't have to end your shift

so Ted how's your thesis coming along

I'd really love to hear Romeo

fuck thesis

alright guys enough listen

I'm doing this

see if Romeo's there

yeah is Romeo there

Romeo actually

you say Romeo

Romeo does not work

you know why cause I got him fired

Who is this?

My name is Cross.

When did he leave?

What happened?

He's been, like, six months since he's worked here.

He got in trouble, huh?

No, I'm not able to say why because I don't know why.

Would you tell me if you knew why?

If I did, I couldn't tell you anyways.

Oh, man, come on.

Do you know him, like, personally?

What?

Do you know him on your own time and stuff?

Yeah, I know him personally.

Yeah?

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's a good guy.

Can you call him?

Can I call him?

Would you want me to give a message?

Well, no, like can you maybe three-way call him or something?

Oh, I can't three-way call him.

Why not?

Well, can you give me his phone number, please?

Number for you?

Yeah.

Okay, what is it?

No, give him my phone number.

Give me his phone number.

Could you do that?

I can't give out his phone number either.

I can give him your phone number.

Well, can you call him now to call me back now?

I'll send him a text to call the number and give me a name and number.

Can you tell him it's urgent 911?

Yeah.

All right, because it's very important that I talk to him as soon as I can.

You understand?

I mean, I really appreciate it.

Send him a text.

Yeah, no, I'll send him a text.

I just can't give out his personal information.

All right, you ready?

You ready?

And your name?

It's Cross.

Say that one more time.

Cross, C-R-O-S-S, like Jesus.

Cross, okay.

Please, hurry, okay?

Yeah, no problem.

I'll send him a text right now.

All right, thanks, baby.

Uh-huh, bye.

Whose number is that?

Mine, private number.

Don't give out my private number, okay?

It's not private anymore now, is it?

Well, no one heard it, because I muted it off the feed.

You guys heard it.

I can trust you guys.

If I can't trust you guys, then who can I trust?

Exactly.

You know?

Now UK Ted has my real name and my real phone number.

Oh, man.

No, it's not mine.

Oh, yeah.

It ain't doing shit.

It's one of the incoming Google voice lines.

So I don't like to give it out, because then we get people wanting to make stupid fucking Craigslist ads that were in the show.

Because then all we get is incoming calls to the whole show.

Son of a bitches.

Yeah, I know.

We have a lot of problems with Craigslist ads that keep going for weeks on a phone show.

That's how the brothers came about.

It's fun, but there's one guy out there who made like ten of them in one night.

It's like, dude, chill, man.

For two months, I kept getting calls, do you still have the HP touchpad?

well and then brad just had to keep doing like like look if you're gonna do like a fucking

craigslist ad to save the sale ends like after the show ends like just stop just stop it it's

stupid because i'm shit for like two weeks yeah just do one one ad that's all you need

with one ad it blows up say there's like a time thing to it like say like it ends

at this time.

Yeah, it's true, because if you don't delete it, it will stay up there

forever. It stays up there forever, yeah, that's the thing.

Every once in a while, I still get a text like,

you still got a Mustang? I'm like, I haven't had a Mustang

on Craigslist for like five fucking years.

Two years or something.

Still getting, yeah. Is Craigslist

popular in the UK? No, we have

a thing called, well, Craigslist is popular

in London, but outside of London, it's not very popular.

We have a thing called Gumtree, which is pretty

much the same thing. Sounds crappy.

Gumtree. They've got the Swap Shop.

The Swap Shop.

swapshop.com.uk

Hey, guys.

Well, I'll tell you.

We got the number for the hooker here.

And we also have

hopefully Romeo calling back.

And we've got two or three

more UK calls to do here, hopefully.

Let me call the UK.

Alright, we'll call the UK.

We got Richard Broadway.

Richard Broadway.

He sounds like a coony.

I have no idea what that means.

Richard Broadway.

A coony?

I think it sounds like a coon, and that's a crime right there on it.

No, it's a pleasure.

Hello?

Hello, Richard.

Who's that?

Yes, yes, this is Brent.

Matt.

Brent.

Hang on, do you want Bob?

No, I want Richard. Is Richard there?

He's not here yet. Oh, he's just here now. Hang on.

All right, get him. He's just here now.

Hello?

Hello, Richard.

Hello, it's good to speak to you.

I'm having a hard time hearing you. Can you speak up, please?

Yeah, I can't hear you. What are you saying?

What?

Hello, my name is Brent.

I think I'm on the campaign.

I'd like to know if you'd like to donate.

Hello, are you there, sir?

Hello?

Are you there?

Richard?

Well, who is it?

My name is Brent Westwood, States.

Hello, sir.

Do you speak English?

Who is it you want?

Who are you after?

We're after you.

Hello?

Pardon?

Yes, I'm sorry.

You must have...

Since you're a woman, you must not know...

Hello?

This is a vote person.

I'll let you know that if you vote for me, I'll give...

Who is it you want to vote for?

This is Ross Perot.

Pardon?

My name is Ross Perot.

Right, who is it you need to speak to?

I need to speak to every American person.

And Richard.

I'm not American.

No, but you are Richard, aren't you?

Richard Broadway, yeah.

Yes, Mr. Broadway, well, that's...

Well, I'm running...

Yes, Mr. Broadway, there, sir.

Mr. Broadway.

Sir.

Are you after my brother Matthew Broadway?

Yes, I am.

Is he there?

He told you.

Are you from the army?

Yes.

No, I'm calling from the United States of America.

My name is Danny Oro.

And who is it that you want to speak to?

Mr. Broadway.

Richard Broadway.

Nick to you, Broadway.

Is this the first time you're using the phone, sir?

I'm not dancing.

Is this the first time you've used the machine?

Dick, did they call you Dick?

Mr. Broadway, Dick Broadway?

What?

Did they call you Dick?

No, they fucking don't.

What do they call you then? Because I've been calling you Richard and you're not answering.

My name's Richard, yeah. Right, you gotta put him on fucking air.

What are you ringing my mum's house for this time?

Who the fuck are you?

Hey, let me talk to the parents.

My name's Richard. I wanna talk to your wife right goddamn now.

Hey!

Get your wife on the phone.

My wife? My wife's not here. I'm at my parents' house.

Hey, well, you should have asked that of your parents.

Hey, is this something to do with Vanessa?

Yeah, I don't like your wife, or your, I'm sorry, your mother jerking me off and then running out the...

Yeah, mum, speak to your...

Hello?

Is this something to do with Vanessa?

Hello?

Hi, Miss Perrault.

Listen, hello, what's the problem?

Hi, my name is Mr. Ross Perrault.

Ross-co?

No, Ross Perrault.

Ross Perrault, yeah.

Yeah, some people say I look like the Purdue Chicken Man, but I don't.

You look like the Chicken Man, yeah?

No, the Purdue Chicken Man.

Oh, listen, who was it you wanted, Matthew or Richard Broadway?

No, I'm calling to ask you out on a date.

Out on a date?

You know, to go to the movies.

I don't want to go to the movies. I'm married with children. I'm 75 years old.

That's a really good reason to go to the movies with a straight man named Mark Ross.

Here I am, mate.

My name is Ross Perot.

Yes. Would you in the army with Matt?

Yes.

With Matthew Broadway?

I never left my buddies behind.

Right. So you want Matthew Broadway? He's not here.

No, I want to watch Matthew on Broadway.

Pardon?

I was I heard that Matthew was gonna be on Broadway. No, his name is Matthew Broadway

He was in a Broadway show. He played a queer. I heard your mom was in a show too. Hey, I'll tell you what

Mate, where are ya? I'm in Swaziland. In where? Swaziland.

Hey, guess what? What? I'll jump on a fucking plane if I have to. Is it because you're a TASA? Is that why you're angry, sir?

You're a TASA? Hey, guess what dickhead? I'll tell you what, you got two fucking seconds, you va-

Yeah, Skype is really messing up.

It's dropping people left and right.

Well, he said two seconds.

He probably meant, like, by the time that word finally came through,

he had probably already hung up.

Yeah.

He was pretty angry.

Carlito, I think you need to, like,

for the people that you've hung up on previously,

I think you need to eject them from the conversation,

and Skype will run a bit faster.

You think so?

That's a bit to do.

Well, they're hung up, but they're still in the conversation,

so it's taking up a bit of space.

Well, anyway, I gotta go.

It's past 1 o'clock. I gotta work tomorrow, guys.

It's 6 a.m.

It's morning. Let's get today started.

Well, fuck you.

Well, good night, Laugh Track Matt,

Ted Webb, UK Ted,

Hey, thanks for having me on, buddy.

Thanks for being on, buddy.

Carlito, we gotta play Battlefield 3.

You've been on Netflix.

Yeah, well, yeah, I know we do.

You guys have BF3?

I do, on PlayStation 3.

Do you have PlayStation 3, Ted?

No.

You suck.

What do you got, Xbox?

No, PC.

Wii.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

All right.

Well, yeah, we'll all get together.

IG-69.

Ted's going to buy a PlayStation 3, and we'll be cool.

All right.

Bye.

Okay, cool.

See you.

Bye.

It's been fun, guys.

I haven't been on a show all the way through before, so it was a good experience.

Good work.

And Ted.

Oh, the other Ted left.

Man.

I was going to say bye proper to Ted Webb.

Damn it.

In the meantime, Romeo had called back in, but it's late, guys, you know.

And, well, you know, I did kind of promise this guy I'd do his hooker call, I guess.

I guess I'll do the call to the hooker real quick there, buddy.

This is it.

This is the last one.

Romeo did call back, though.

He called like four times straight.

Yes, hi.

Is this the lady?

Who?

Were you on the OKCupid profile?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

So what you doing tonight?

Tonight I was actually getting ready for bed.

No, ladies like you, little girls like you shouldn't be up so late.

Late?

It is.

Do you like to kiss?

Are you a good kisser?

Yeah.

Where do you like to kiss at?

Where's your favorite place to kiss?

Damn it.

I told you to call me, remember?

Yeah, that's right.

I need to talk to you.

Is this Romeo?

Yes.

Yeah, I heard you got fired from Macaroni Grill.

No, I did not.

Who's this?

Well, they called me.

They said that they fired you after you complained about me at a corporate.

Who?

My name is Cross.

Okay.

You made a complaint about me.

Did?

Yeah, to corporate.

You informed corporate about me.

You said I was complaining about your sauce.

It was really bad.

A back-roaring grill.

It was a piece of shit.

Good times.

Yeah, and then you made a complaint to corporate about me,

and then they fired you, huh?

I got you in trouble.

I'm the one that made you lose your job.

Yeah, sure, you did.

Yeah.

So what do you do now?

What was that?

What do you do now?

I track phone numbers, and I work for a department.

Yeah?

You work for the DOD?

Yep.

What's your clearance number?

I'm not telling you.

Who's that?

What's your clearance number?

How many digits long is your clearance number?

What's your clearance level?

What's your clearance level number?

Hello?

Yeah.

Who's this?

Yeah, who's in charge of the Department of Defense?

If he works for the Department of Defense,

why doesn't he tell me who's in charge of it?

What's it to you?

Well, because he's lying.

He says he works for the Department of Defense.

And what's it to you?

Are you doing a background check?

Well, no.

He's just throwing that around like he works for the Department of Defense.

I say he's talking bloody bollocks.

Okay, so what's it to you?

I repeat, what is it to you?

Who the fuck are you?

Are you his mom or something?

Oh, yeah, bitch.

I'm his mom.

You're a stupid bitch.

Why does he got to hide behind you?

How old is he?

Who are you, dude?

You stupid woman.

Hey, that's right.

I'm a woman.

Why did Romeo get fired from Macaroni Grill?

Why does it matter to you?

Because I'm involved in it.

You're involved in it?

I got him in trouble.

I got him fired.

Great.

Yeah.

things yeah well he got fired and it's on his record now and you're supposed to cry about it

yeah because he's never gonna when they let you go did you cry about it i mean are you still stuck

in the past that you're like that i'm getting i'm getting him fired from his new job oh yeah

really that's awesome do you speak english yeah bitch didn't you hear me you don't know what the

word awesome means i still don't understand you what sim w-e-s-o-m-e look it up in the dictionary

It's probably something you've never known in your whole life.

What?

Probably a word you've never heard in your whole life.

I mean, I know your parents probably talked down to you your whole life.

This word means awesome.

Yeah.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Yeah, you're talking to him.

Because I'm more happy than you are.

You have a big dick?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

It's fucking nine inches under my bed.

Yeah?

It's under your bed?

Yeah?

I shove your girl's fucking ass every night.

Yeah, do you ever sit on the bedpost?

Do I what?

Do you sit on the bedpost?

Yeah.

No.

Hey, can I talk to Romy again, stupid bitch woman?

No.

You cannot talk to him.

You need to tell me what this is in regards to.

About how I got him fired from his job.

Okay, so what are you tripping on?

If he's not there no more, why are you tripping on him?

Are you like some stalker with him?

I'm not tripping on you.

I'm tripping on him.

I want to know, are you in love with him?

Yes.

Are you in love with him?

Yes.

Do you want to sit on his dick?

Yes.

Is it the dick you want to put in your mouth?

stupid bitch

how many times

do I have to say yes

What?

Oh, no, you're right.

So much you wanted to figure out who the server was,

but I wouldn't give him the server's name.

What?

What are you talking about?

The time that, you know, that one time in back camp

where you wanted to fuck a server's dick.

I don't know what the fuck.

Shut up.

You're so stupid.

You dumb fucking cunt.

I'm not a fucking bitch.

Let him talk.

Let Romeo talk, you stupid fucking bitch.

God, shut the fuck up.

I know.

Hey, I'm the bitch.

I'm a bitch like you and Chick.

I still don't understand what you're saying, you tuxed soul.

I told you that I would have called you with my number

that I did not block at all.

What? I can't hear you over the stupid cunt rag.

What were you saying?

Can I talk to Romeo now, dumb bitch?

Alright, dumb cunt whore bitch monkey girl.

Can you hang up now?

Okay, bye.

Hello, can I help you?

What is this in regards to?

this is in regards to his new employment okay what new place is that i'm not supposed to give

out private information okay then stop calling bye-bye i'll call him next week then maybe am i

was that the call that i did i tried to figure it out but she's all fucking being this cool girl

with her cool fucking comments not letting me talk to romeo it sounded like he was starting

to put two and two together as to what the call was about he was like something about you know

exposing you know are you the one but i want to give you the server's name no i think wasn't it

what was the call originally i think it was like remember correctly i got put on hold or something

and the girl hung up on me she just hung up or something and i was calling back trying to get

the girl's phone number that's what it was he he almost had it but the dumb bitch over there just

wouldn't let him fucking talk god fucking women telling you anyway i'm going to sleep you know

it's time thanks uh everyone who sent the numbers everyone who was on a deus milkman thanks

thanks everybody just thanks let's put this outro music and get me out of here oh man it's gonna be

a bad last week uh i did the show up until 120 like i'm doing tonight and i was nodding off at

my desk at the end of the show i'm still getting used to um the old work schedule you know actually

having to be at work and uh it's not easy getting back into that after not working for almost 10

months not this song i'm not going to break i wish back in the day would be you know before i

started working. Could just take a breakdown

do another hour and a half of show

or so, but nothing more. Alright everybody, well

hope you guys have fun. I know it was

a weird show. First half of it

was just one prank call. You guys seem

to enjoy it. Second half was alright.

Good to see you all. Thanks Lonesome Loser

for sending in numbers. Try to get

as many of them as I could.

Hello? I think they were

singing Criss Cross Jump, but I'm not sure.

Because again, it was the crazy

fucking bitch who talks so loud

and annoying you can't understand her anyway yeah what was i saying i don't know i'm out of here

good night everybody madhouse live.com so uh we just came through to check y'all niggas you know

i'm saying to show some love i'm saying us niggas don't know how long we gonna be here

feel me so enjoy this shit and enjoy yourselves and then we out of here

play another of the new jen stewart pranks right now listen to that hope you'll enjoy this one

Hello?

Hello, I was not finished with you.

Hello?

Hello, yeah.

Hello, can I help?

Yeah, yeah, how are you, you bloody idiot?

Sorry?

I said how are you, you bloody idiot?

Are you feeling alright, mate?

No, I'm feeling a bit dizzy, actually.

I think you've got the wrong number, mate.

No, no, I have the right number.

Hello?

Hello, yes, what's wrong?

You fucking arsehole.

You son of an owl.

You're a fucking arsehole, you are.

Why do you swear to me, you idiot?

Because you're a fucking arsehole.

Your mother's an arsehole.

Your fucking mother's a bumhole.

How does that work?

Fuck off, you fucking wanker.

Fuck you.

Don't wank your fucking cock on your head, you fucking wanker.

I'd rather wank it to you.

You fucking desperate fucker.

What donkey?

Your fucking mum's a donkey, the bitch in the upper arse.

Go fuck her, go on.

Your mum's a donkey and you're the fucking...

Your mother's a pony.

Ah, you're fucking funny, ha ha ha.

Pony, pony.

I can't stop fucking laughing, ha ha ha

Pony, pony

What?

Pony

The fuck you on about, you prick?

Pony

So what about it? Go shove your head up a pony's ass, your mum's ass, the pony

Your mother's a pony

Let me talk to your friend, please

Let me talk to him, man

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Well, I don't understand your bloody language.

You're a bastard, that's why you're a fucking Bengali, aren't you, you fucking fishy fucker?

Why, yeah?

Yeah, you're a Bengali, aren't you, you fishy fucker?

Why are you whispering to me, you idiot?

You know what we call Bengalis? We call them fish.

I'm gonna play this to your customers in Aylesbury.

You're not playing with the fuck you want, to whoever the fuck you want, you waste man.

It's only 1.59.

Record your mother.

Back in one second, yeah, ring me back in one second.

No.

I'm not gonna ring back in one second now.

How can I ring back in the one second?

Idiot.

Texas?

Yes, yes, it's me again.

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, yeah, I've got both lines.

You've got both lines?

Yeah.

So?

What do you want?

I've got another line as well that you haven't got the number to.

Thank you.

I don't have that number.

I see.

Yeah, you'll never get that number.

You won't get that number.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Okay, hold on then.

Hello?

Hi, my name is Rob.

What do you mean?

Your mum needs a fucking cock or something.

Is that what your problem is?

I think your mother needs a good cock.

Yeah but you are the one

That's fucking ringing innit

So obviously you're

Fucking either

Your fucking wife

Or your sister

Or your daughter

Your mum needs a fucking cock

Yeah I was

No actually I was

I was calling because

I'd like to speak to your mother

And give her a bit of cock

Yeah that's what you

Fucking need you son of a bitch

And what do you keep

Fucking ringing up for

What is that doing to you

I'll tell you

If you listen

If you shut up and listen

I'll tell you

What

Okay I'd like to

I'd like to come in

And have sex with your mother

Yeah well that's what

I would like to come in

And fucking fuck your mum

From the backside

and open her fucking backside uh hole yeah because you probably she probably takes white

braces up there all the time she never had a proper cock i've got a few people here that

need fucking give her give her the cock yeah yeah yeah the people that the people here are

the fucking jack donkeys yeah yeah and they fucking they'll give your mom a proper fucking

bat bat ring they should remember it and she then your mom will fucking be uh pregnant with

Shut up, you idiot.

Do you even know what you're saying?

Idiot.

You talk rubbish.

You talk absolute rubbish.

You're rubbish.

Yeah, let me talk with them.

Did you tell them that your mother's backside hole was a dirty one?

Hello, hello.

Keep on the line, yeah.

Thanks, really.

Yes, I've hijacked all three now.

Well, I've got another two, my friend.

No, you don't.

You are a lying Ulukapata.

You've got four lines here, my friend.

You need to redial again.

Check your fucking circumstances properly, yeah?

But no.

You don't even know fuck all.

Because we've done that last year.

We've got a digital line now.

So it doesn't really bother us.

We're getting all the calls in anyway.

But I can make ten lines.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

It doesn't bother us.

We're getting the jobs free anyway.

So it doesn't really bother us.

But you get less jobs this way.

Yeah.

You don't get less jobs.

Yeah, of course.

The job is still coming in.

Bollocks.

Absolute rubbish.

That's extremely rude for you to...

What is it you want?

I've got people like you fooling me every night, right?

I want to send you a taxi, do you understand?

A taxi?

Yes, a taxi.

Don't scream at me, you idiot.

I don't want a taxi.

I never ordered a taxi.

I don't care about that.

I'm going to send you one.

Do you understand?

You're going to send me a taxi?

Yes, I'm going to send you a taxi.

you for absolutely no reason whatsoever,

simply because I have the ability to do so.

Well, go and do it, then. Yeah, I'm going to,

and it's going to be there in 15 minutes, and when

it gets there, I'm going to send you another one,

and when that one's gone, I'm going to call up another taxi company.

Shut up, you idiot. You shut up, you idiot.

What's wrong with you? Go back to India where you come from.

I'm not from India.

Calls (30, 1 h 10 min of 3 h 20 min)

Transcript

Comments 0