All You Can Eat FRENCH FRIES!

You are a fucking gritty dog, man.

I don't have a mother, I don't have a sister, I don't have a father.

I'm just alone.

Can I come to fuck your sister and mother, please?

Why?

You horny?

Please.

You horny?

I really want to suck your mother's pussy.

I love to suck it, bitch.

Fuck you, motherfucker, son of a bitch.

Banshoot.

You stupid motherfucker.

Okay, please.

You know me.

You are mother, you are, you are mother bitch.

That's why you gritty dog, okay?

Yes, I wanted to make a to-go order if it's not too late.

Sure.

What can I get for you?

Yes.

French fries.

Duh.

Peace.

Good evening to you all, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for joining me and Milkman tonight for another episode of Madhouse Radio Live Machine.

I'm your host, Carlito.

Yep.

Of course, we've got the man himself, Milkman, owner of Three Cats.

How you doing, man?

Hey, gentlemen, this is my old...

milkman just said my sexy voice you mean thanks milkman congratulations girlfriend everybody

milkman just milkman just adopted his brother thanks man i missed you too you only you milkman

just adopted his third cat here yeah man cats cats are cool are you kidding me out here son

both of my cats are doing well uh i was just playing with chloe and davi with their favorite

favorite toy the string they they love their toy the string i throw the string and move it around

their face and they hit it and they like it it's fun chloe loves straws also so i uh we used to

we can't find it anymore but i had a string that i tied a straw to at the end of it and and uh she

used to love that but we can't find it anymore they bury everything like all their toys that

they like they're so stupid they bury it we get we don't find it for like a year it's probably

under a couch or some furniture

somewhere under a mat

in a corner somewhere who knows

damn cats

they look at it

as their prey

that's true one of their favorite toys

that we ever got them we bought these

catnip balls they're

like balls of condensed catnip

almost like a rock

but they're balls

you know I don't know how to describe it

they're made out of like condensed catnip

uh yeah like hard pressed catnip like chalk almost but more durable than chalk but kind of

like that kind of hardness oh they yeah they just love they they bat it everywhere and chew on it

and stuff i get worried that they're gonna choke on it but they seem to be all right i know what

they're doing does it flake off uh no they they gnaw at it you know and slowly they start getting

little nibbles at it you know so it lasts a very long time so a little bit will come out at a time

yeah yeah well see we saw athena was and i were at some kind of convention uh it was actually like

a comic book kind of convention like a collectible stuff but one of the booths these guys were

selling them uh this couple were there and like yeah you know they they they showed us pictures

and like their cats they these guys invented it i guess and um they make them themselves and they

sell it and their cats have it have them gnawed down to like little very small size like where

where they're, you know, they play with them so much that they're, you know, very eat-em-all-up and stuff.

It's kind of cool.

I don't know what they're called.

Yeah, but if you have a cat, it's a really cool toy.

I just don't know what you would call it.

Well, anyway.

They've probably got some kind of filler material in there,

and then the herb itself rounds up, and then they spread it together,

and that's a piece of holly like that.

So, you know, a little bit comes out, and they scratch off with their feet,

so they can get a good, long-lasting time.

Yeah.

Like a jawbreaker for kitties.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's a good, yeah.

That's pretty good.

Like a jawbreaker.

Yeah.

That's a good one, Milfin.

A jawbreaker that gets you high.

There you go.

Well, yeah.

I hope everyone's doing well.

Let's tune in here to Madhouse Radio tonight.

We're going to have a good show, I hope.

Sorry about last week.

I know you've got something great in store for us, brother.

Nothing really planned, but we'll get there.

I was really tired last week, guys.

Sorry.

And I had to be up like 5 in the morning.

And it ended up being for nothing.

thing i got to where i had to be really early and the the nobody showed up so i was quite pissed

off to have to gotten i had to have canceled the show to get up because i had to get up early

got there you know super early on a friday morning got there and it's sat around for a

long time for nothing kind of pissed me off uh i heard that um uk ted had a good show last week

though i haven't heard it i would like to hear that uk ted but thanks uk ted for filling in

i heard a lot of good things um about that i actually got i should forward them to uk ted

but i got an email or two also people saying it was a really good show so thanks man that was very

good um i got one complaint but not about uk ted i got a complaint about mr spesso something about

i don't know what it was something about a uh a guy in a wheelchair and a shotgun

shotgun someone told me i i was like what something about some black security guards

and then a guy with a shotgun and whoever this was was i'm not going to mention names but they

made a good point um it could have been could have gone very bad i didn't haven't heard it

so i'm not judging but it could have gone very bad very quickly so um i'm just saying guys you

know when you're doing prank calls you got to be careful because what if that guy would have

dropped a shotgun you know it happens with stupid people out there especially if he's in a wheelchair

you know he's stupid look at milkman he's in a wheelchair um yeah that's right i got a rascal

span you knew really good or you know you got a pinch into like yeah you guys are gonna get

yourself some trouble you're gonna get yourself i'm just looking out for you guys i'm telling

you guys got to be careful but yeah if that guy would have dropped a shotgun or something or it

would have gone off when he was loading it and would have blasted himself or you know it could

Could have gone through the roof and hit someone, you know.

Well, didn't some poor Amish girl got shot a few months ago?

Didn't some guy was cleaning his shotgun in his house?

I think it was like in Ohio or something.

I don't know if you remember that, Milkman, but that wasn't too long ago.

This Amish girl got shot.

She was in her buggy.

Yeah, that was relative.

I'm just saying you got to be careful because accidents do happen.

But a man was cleaning his shotgun and it went off on accident.

and i think like maybe at least like a few miles away or kilometers for our uk listeners um it

came down and hit a amish girl who was riding her buggy back to her house yeah and i read the

article it's pretty sad because i guess the the horse poor horse horse the horse made it all the

way back to the house and he you know he was like walking around in circles and her brother was like

why is you know why is my sister you know why you know riding her buggy in circles and he went out

out there and he she saw her he saw her like bleeding out and stuff so it was an accident

i think there the guy came forward and said look you know i heard that some girl got shot in the

head you know i had i you know he was honest but i think he's looking at charges anyway what i'm

saying is accidents happen be careful careful man watch out with them crazy calls man so we

will do our own calls tonight uh let's talk to ted i'm gonna get the story about what happened

Hey UK Ted

Hey guys

Hey man

Hey so

Defend

Defend our reputation

For the

Mr. Holiday Specialist show

So what happened

You did

You did the show though right

It wasn't your

It wasn't his show

It was your show right

Oh it was more him

And Tricor than me

We just

We all set it up together

But yeah

It was good fun

Well so yes

I mean obviously

We would have preferred

Madhouse

But you know

Yeah of course

Well thanks for filling in man

And I heard a lot of good stuff about it.

So when you get a chance to meet me, I just want to hear it.

I'm not being a bitch.

Sure, I'll send it your way.

I should say, though, that the guy in the wheelchair,

we weren't actually making fun of the guy in the wheelchair.

He was off work because he was hit by a car or something.

And he was just off work and beating his wife.

Oh, yeah.

I heard he was an asshole, as it was.

Yeah, and he was threatening to get his shotgun on us.

but he didn't actually have a shotgun in his hands

as he was talking

what was the other one

that I needed to explain

something about blacks

I like how it was black security guards

I don't think anyone was being racist

I think they just happened to be black

and security guards

and we were making fun of them for being security guards

not because they were black

and I should point out I do have the utmost respect for security guards

ok

alright that's cool I like it

works for me Ted you're off the hook

Look, Sarah, thanks for doing the show.

I just want to hear it, man.

Maybe I'll even put it.

I'll definitely send it to you.

Tabachi sent it to me, so I'll send it on.

I should say, though, it was much more Mr. Spess, Cool Rob, and Triquel who did most of the work.

Okay.

Cool, cool.

Well, there you go.

Well, everyone's blaming you for the night.

Well, not blaming, but I'm saying they're giving you credit for doing a show.

No, I don't deserve any credit.

All I did was talk in the background for some of it.

I didn't even do very good prank call.

TriQuad did some really good ones.

How'd your thesis and all that work out?

Did you turn it in?

Last I knew, you were working on it.

What happened?

Yeah, I handed it in, but it's not going to get a good mark.

I'll be happy if it just passes.

All right.

Yeah.

But fuck it.

It's done now.

It's something else I don't have to worry about.

But thanks, though.

Thanks for remembering.

No problem.

So last week, I hope it was nothing serious that stopped you from doing the show.

i mean you're back now so no i had a long week working um basically and then i was supposed i

was doing at work at a super crazy early hour like carlito you got to be here and you got to

get these computers ready and so and so vips are going to be here early so make sure you're here

at six o'clock in the morning and i busted my ass got up at five got ready and i can't you know i

don't drive right now so you know my wife had to get up and everything we got all the way there

and i you know i get to this building and i gotta check in through security go all the way up to

whatever floor and doors are closed nothing you know so i sat there until like nine o'clock in

the morning and someone's like oh yeah we were supposed to be here we totally forgot like yeah

i've been here for three hours fucking assholes like yeah thanks so no that's that's three hours

then huh you could have done the done a show in those three hours no i was gonna do a show

know six o'clock in the morning i actually just sat there and i actually kind of slept to be honest

with you i kind of put my head down and uh on my little briefcase there not a briefcase it's like

a day runner bag kind of thing and you're allowed to look down now but well i could look up down

anywhere i want i can't use my right eye it's still blurry but i could see some stuff out of

it but i mean i need more i talked about this the last show i need surgery cataract surgery and

and all this shit here in order to get the vision back hopefully but um i don't know i'm kind of

of getting used to just having the one eye it sucks but you know what can you do at least i've

got the left eye you know are you gonna get a pirate patch no no because it's not it's not

doesn't you know i've got some use out of the eye like it actually does some function but

yeah i keep squinting all the time with the right eye you know i keep keep it squinted and people

probably think i'm really weird but it's just when you get a monocle well i love monocle it

wouldn't help it wouldn't help it doesn't focus and i've got a cataract it's all blurred in the

the center and what it is remember remember ted you looked up the surgery they filled my eye with

oil remember with mineral oil not saline so it's it's at it's at it's at maximum healing but i

can't see through the cloudiness the viscosity of the oil is you know if you can imagine looking

through a bottle like a bottle of olive oil you know it's not clear um real necessarily i guess

i don't know how to explain it but you know i need i need to get the second surgery but since

since i just started this job and stuff i gotta give it some time you know i gotta get acquainted

there and i gotta you know i gotta work for a while before i can get the surgery it's gonna

be into the summer when i get the surgery you know what i mean wow so yeah i suppose you've

got to pay for this yep yeah but while i'm at it i gotta looking into a job offer a different one

here that's going to be a little better than what i've got now actually it'll have better like

benefits and stuff like that so awesome uh but i got some other medicine for my eye works out

out pretty well you know what i'm saying milkman i can see on the screen is that your eye medicine

yes it's my medicine milkman actually i've um no i have heard um but uh thc saying no more is uh

it's good for glaucoma so i don't know how that extends to cataracts but glaucoma it helps out

it helps out i've got other poems too you know um yeah so here we are folks if you want to send

you requested so you can't say let me do my little thing here um oh i wanted to mention here well let

me get to it let me get to the things on the list first uh madhouse live.com that's the website for

the show be sure to check out the podcast prank cast what do you want to call it um speaking of

the site i tried to do some upgrades last weekend and they went swimmingly horrible um tried to

upgrade the forms and i killed them and i crashed them and i brought them up and they crashed again

and all this mess now they're full of spam they i didn't do a full upgrade i did a partial upgrade

but they're all jacked up so now i gotta tweak it over the weekend the spam control settings um but

i did change the request to prank um if you guys want to you know help me out make sure it's

working i'm not 100 sure that it works correctly oh excuse me check out that request request a

prank page over in madhouse live.com it's a little cleaner now it should work a lot more better a lot

lot better on my end um before i came through as duplicates all the time and i lose request to

prank forms i came through an email not anymore it's all fixed up and i included that name field

if you hear the show i'm always saying oh i forgot i gotta put name in there because no one ever

includes a name well now the name field is in there and it's required uh so we won't have any

more issues where we get a request to prank and i don't know the name of who or who i'm calling or

what company it is um i also upgraded the the the player page for the prank cast when you go to

listen to prank calls and archives the flash player is a little better now it's it doesn't

buffer as long at the beginning um it's a little less ganky uh so just some little minor improvements

to the website there um if you're using hey milkman you're back yes hey i talked to tokeny

last night and uh i believe he's giving some permission to do the work on the forum and he

said he went through and cleared out like 100 members in there and took out most of that so

i guess it's down to maybe 40 actual real people so yeah i don't know if you looked at it today

but he told me last night that he's done some work on it okay yeah he's been working on it he's been

helping out thanks coking it by the way i didn't mean to mention on the air thanks for reminding

He is probably out on the road if he's not by the radio.

He's probably out on the road, but I'm sure if he gets back in time, he'll check in.

Yeah, he was in for a little bit.

He might have left for work.

You're right, he does leave sometimes at this time, right when the show starts.

Yeah, they get him on these different schedules, man.

But yeah, we did talk last night, and he said that he'd done a good bit of work in it

and had a good idea who they were, and they were getting caught by some of the spam filters.

So it may see some improvement in that over the next few days.

right rbcp has been looking at that too he catches them it's just getting inundated with

with spam though lately because uh the changes i made i i upgraded the forms not as not to the

2.0 version i wanted but i got it up to like 1.8 for 1.3 let's say so the spam shit that i used to

have in there doesn't work anymore so i have to find new stuff like a motor right so yeah totally

Yeah, Koken, he handles that, but he can't always be in there.

I'll add you as a moderator, man, administrator there.

I can't be trusted with that.

You can't be trusted with those powers?

Okay, well, never mind.

Then why ask?

No, I mean, ask somebody.

I'm sure there'll be someone out there that's happy to do it.

There you go.

You're one of the few people that actually use the forums.

We lost MyRemains, so there you go.

yeah so continue

AOL on Yahoo Instant Messenger

Madhouse Radio on AOL Yahoo Instant Messenger

MSN Messenger Madhouse

at live.com and if you're using

Facebook be sure to

friend us on there Twitter we're also there

follow us tweet us all that

stuff I'm going to put a nice donate button on the

webpage soon here too

one that

that you guys can help out

we got plenty of funds from that one day

Ted you donated some funds

and some other people

did yeah I donated like

the tiniest amount of money and I've been

riding that ever since

you're one of our benefactors man

that's awesome it helps out

too

I was thinking about making up a package

like if you donate

any amount to the show like

you'll get you know like

I don't know we'll make you an op in the chat room for a

while or something I gotta come up with

something people would want

get someone to pay to be the forum moderator

don't pay to be yeah pay to be pay for the honor of working for us yes sounds good that's a it's

a win-win situation for me ted i hear you sounds like a plan if i could do that i'm all over it

well speaking of which we need your request of pranks lonesome loser isn't here yet he'll be

here shortly new news in here kokanee's here right now milkman actually buddy they were talking

about kokanee i see him there oh man that's cool well then maybe he didn't have to go out yet or

something well hey before we continue we

do have requests of pranks which I

always seem to get to at the end want to

try to fix that since we got some kill

time here red sloth man who two weeks

ago sent in numbers and I didn't get to

them I will make up for that now by

getting to his number as the first of

the night you get bestowed with the honor

of the crappy throwaway prank of the day

because the first one is usually up not

all the time but sometimes Dave this guy

Guy has been a bit of a jerk to me, please.

Can you prank him for me, please?

That's a double please, sir.

Double positive does not make a super positive.

This is the prank you failed to do two weeks ago.

Hope you better now, Carlito.

Well, thanks.

Me better now, Dave.

Yes.

I'm confused because the country says United States,

but it's obviously a UK number here.

Hey, Dave, how you doing?

You hung up.

Okay.

Because you're an American calling him on his

Wanker phone

Actually that was costing 25 cents a minute

Might be a good thing he hung up

That's probably a good thing

Bristol

Where's that at?

What's the deal with that?

Bristol

Bristol is in the south

It's where Steve Merchant's from

Alright

I think that was the cell phone

Sloth man

He hung right up though

Let me try him again

Can't talk to him for long man

That's expensive

I'm going to give him my credits

Softman

That better not be you

Giving me your cell phone

Because I'd be really upset

If you pulled a UK Ted on us

You know

UK Ted's first appearance on the show

Well

Yeah

But that was actually my work number

Yeah

Dave

Who is this?

You hung up on me

Why?

Who is this?

Listen

I'm with the Bristol

Bristol Petroleum Association

Okay

Why are you phoning me?

Because you haven't paid on your petroleum fees

your petroleum dues do you drive a vehicle do you use petrol regularly i don't drive and it's

3 30 in the morning yeah but no at some point you've been using petroleum here either in your

home you cut the grass anything like that i'm from texas where we make oil petroleum he hung up no

he's still there are you there no he's gone i don't know it's probably for the best it's expensive

it's expensive yeah then we end up not being able to do pranks for the rest of the night as usual

As usual, overly concerned with the time.

As usual.

I don't understand it.

They don't know what the time is.

They seem to always ask, what time is it?

This guy's...

It's not even 3.30 yet.

The guy was lying.

I don't understand it.

You got a little bit of snow there, UKTide, is it?

Is that true?

You guys over there got some snow?

UK?

Yeah, most places.

I don't get much because it's...

You know, we get a lot of salty air here,

and they don't really settle.

That make sense?

Yeah, I got you.

Yeah, it melts.

Beach.

Okay, salty air.

There you go.

Yeah, I got a little...

We got some snow here yesterday, one inch, and we're going to get some snow tomorrow.

I was all excited for the snow.

I bought these cleats that you put on your shoe.

You slip them on your shoe to give you more traction so you don't slip and fall and break your ass in the ice.

But then it wasn't icy.

Gutted soles.

Yeah.

They're called yak tracks.

They look really cool, but I bought them, and there was a day where it's really icy.

It rained.

There was freezing rain all night.

That might be good.

and um and i i didn't have them yet i said shit so i went right to amazon and i bought them

they came in the mail and then everything and and now i'm just waiting for it to be i'm waiting for

the bad weather to come so i can use them see if they work or not but not yet nothing yet um i don't

know hopefully uh tomorrow night it's supposed to be uh kind of rainy cold so maybe we'll get some

ice i'll be able to use it but i'm still not used to the snow i freaked out like i was at work and

and I had been, like, focusing on my computer all day,

and I got up to go to lunch, and I look outside the window,

and I see snow falling, and I go, ah!

I'm like, what?

Like, it's snowing.

Like, yeah, so?

I'm like, oh, you're from Florida still.

Like, yeah.

Like, oh, yeah, you're not used to it yet.

Yeah, man, that sucks, man.

And where do you get the frozen mud?

Oh, my God, you're going to love it, man.

You're going to wish you were still in Florida.

Well, I still, I've seen snow maybe, that's like today,

that was like my fifth time seeing it,

it but it's still kind of a fantasy like when i see it's like oh look it's snowing it's like a

disney movie it's not in that novel it's not it's starting to become like ah fucking snow it's just

yeah and hey i was hanging out with the occupiers um close to my work uh milkman i know you you

honk your horn at them sometimes i was talking to them they're pretty nice people they gave me

free coffee man they're a really cool people the occupiers in this town they're like here you want

want some coffee like yeah sure and we talked for a while and they're like we're having their message

well they told me they're gonna have a funeral for fairness i'm like what like yeah we're having

a funeral for fairness tonight you should come out like no i'm good thanks it's like no i'm gonna

be home it's a little too cold for me thank you dude they got all this rabble street trash in

there man they're not talking about what should be talked about you know where the fucking jobs

How come everybody's houses have been put on, you know, illegal, untrackable mortgages, you know, all this bullshit like that.

But they're still, you know, they're doing stupid stuff like bringing these homeless people in and kissing and shitting on desks and stuff like that, breaking windows.

And, you know, they're not very credible anymore out here because of that dumb shit.

So I need to tell them they need to get their message straight instead of having a hundred different ideas.

is yeah i'm up with like three or four basic things yeah ken's ken's mentioning in detroit

once the naacp had a funeral for the n-word uh that was after michael richards did that whole

thing where he's like they're niggers when he was yelling that oh my god so uh yeah but you know

dkc was in on that too probably but uh i've seen so many funerals for the n-word you know what i

mean and rappers will come out like hey you're never using the end you're the first to do that

you knew who it was right milkman your favorite black comedian was the first to say he never used

the n-word again remember after he went to africa you know i'm talking about right yeah big daddy

rich yeah man richard prior he went to africa and uh he said he had a moment where he he said to

himself do you see any niggers now and he's sort of crying and he said he never used the n-word

again i remember that interview when he said that on um i forgot what's the i don't know donahue i

think phil donahue he said that i don't know there you go continue on with the call rich man

Man, long live Daddy Rich.

Yeah.

Immortal.

Yeah.

Dirty Aaron sending in a number for Big Shelly Craigslist ad.

Ask for two, ad for free twin mattresses.

Gently use pillow top twin mattress.

All right, nice.

You know, whenever I try to make these ads myself, they tell me I can't.

They pull them right down.

I don't know why.

I can't make the Craigslist ads anymore.

I think they're on to Madhouse.

Maybe you should put what you want on Craigslist in the forum

and then get someone else to put it up.

that, then I get the number out,

and the next thing you know, I've got a thousand ads

at the same time.

You don't want to put anything in the form

that says you're slowly crawled or

dead by everybody in the world, man.

One-on-one. Yes, that's right, Milkman.

Good point.

That's how they're getting their spam to expand.

They might have crawled your site, and that's how they got in there.

Well, there's some pervert that listens

to PLA who thinks it's funny

to do that a lot. He's a pervert.

Hey, this is Shelly. I'm away from my phone. Please leave a message.

Oh, Shelly, you're killing me.

Shall we?

All right.

Well, we got another number here.

iPhone for sale on Craigslist.

Let's give them a call.

iPhone machine.

How much?

Because I actually want an iPhone.

Yeah, I don't know.

Would an iPhone from here work over there?

I don't know.

I don't see why not.

I think you'd have to get it unlocked.

I don't know.

It depends on which one, Ted, because you've got to have the right spectrum, you know?

It's got to have the right spectrum.

CDMA, GMA, GPS, OPBS.

You know me.

Yeah.

I was calling about the iPhone machine.

Yeah.

I'm interested in that.

Does it have any pictures on it?

No, it's white.

Does it take pictures?

Yes, it does.

How much is it you're asking for, this iPhone?

Maybe if I trade a little bit of something for you, maybe you bring the price down.

I got some pictures.

We could take some pictures.

I have some pictures we could take.

Me and you maybe we'll take some pictures and we'll bring the price down a little bit.

Nothing, I'll pass it to you.

Huh?

$469,000 then?

That's the full price?

Yeah.

All right.

$65,000, yes.

Can I test it out first?

The camera works on it?

How many DPI is it?

Yeah, how many DPI is it?

I want to make sure it's compatible.

Yeah, the iPhone machine.

3. mega DPI?

Yeah.

All right, cool.

Does it have a level 2 power in it?

Yeah.

All right, and the velocimator?

Yep.

Okay, good.

So where can we meet?

I don't know.

You probably don't want to meet me to come over to your house.

Can we meet in public somewhere?

Where are you located?

I'm in town.

Do you know that furniture store?

Any furniture stores we can meet at?

Are you looking?

Well, Portland.

Well, I'm new in the area.

Is there a furniture store in particular that's close to you?

What about Ikea?

All right.

So we go to Ikea, but I want to test out maybe we can go inside Ikea

and test it out, take some pictures.

Maybe if I could lay down, I want the bed, a few of the beds

and the futons there and the chairs, sit down on the chairs

and you take some pictures of me?

Okay.

Well, not that I love it.

I just want to make sure it works.

This is not that you need to love it or not.

It's just to make sure it works.

This is serious.

Is it serious that you're trying to buy

or is it serious that you're trying to be gay?

No, I'm not trying to be gay.

I just want you to take pictures of me with an iPhone.

so please don't waste my time.

No, no, no.

I'm not a gay.

No, no.

I'm not a gay.

Come on.

No, you're a good cop.

You're a good cop.

I'm not a gay.

Cut off my balls, man.

Come on.

You see that hate, Milkman?

I hate all the time.

We need to put him on the homophobic asshole list.

No, seriously.

That's a hateful thing, right, guys?

Like, you know, to cut off, you know, that's what they would do to the gays.

They'd crasher at you.

Pass this number out.

Get KDK on him.

KDK will kick his ass.

KDK had a good show.

You're not gay, but you're willing to learn.

KDK had a good show last weekend, man.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Hello.

Yeah, the pictures?

what

if you call back

I will block your number

and I can have

to come and find you

and do what

what

and while I'll tell

you

you threatened

you said you were

going to castrate me

why

because I'm a homosexual

you're not

because you're

fucking with me

that's a hate crime

exactly

you're not a

grown ass man

or something

listen

you put an ad

on craigslist

I'm calling

you fucking call me

and try to

fucking bullshit me

what the fuck is that

you put an ad

you said you wanted

to meet at Ikea

You fucking wanted me at Ikea

Telling me to take pictures of you

On the food sign

Are you fucking not a grown up man

Do you not have a fucking wife

Come on man fucking grow up

Well what can we take pictures of instead

Do you want to take pictures of a fire hydrant

No I'm not trying to sell it to you

I'm trying to make a point you should grow the fuck up

Alright what about a pet store

You can take pictures of a dog

No you should grow the fuck up and that's it

That's my last word don't call me back

I can fucking fuck you up

Alright so then I'm going to tell

i'm gonna tell them i'm calling the cops and i'm gonna tell them you called me

that you called me and you said you're gonna castrate me and fuck me up all right

and reporting the calling craig right now hello hello sir do you want to let him stew for a bit

and then maybe call him back let me talk to him yeah i like that idea sounds good thank you tad

for renting us out it will come when when you call him it will come up as a um withheld number right

Well, no, I'm calling from the Google voice line for the Craigslist ones,

so that way I'm sure that there's a number coming through that seems to help out.

If we call him back and I talk to him, he won't think it's from the same source.

Yeah, I'll call from Skype when we do it later, and he won't know, right?

Awesome.

There you go. He won't know the difference.

Yay!

You're right, Brandfrog, he does sound kind of gay.

Nothing wrong with that.

I want to thank all you guys.

A lot of the PLA guys, a lot of the Cacti listeners and fans and people

were uh showing up for um kdk show tabachi was there and uh dark stranger that was really cool

it was good that you know we're uh you guys are showing your support for him he's been really cool

with me lately and milkman and he's been doing some good shows and again i'm totally for that

i think we should all support prank good good prank callers and get this community going again

I was talking to

I was talking actually

to Dr. Lego

earlier tonight he was doing a show

he does a show Wednesdays

and he's at PoisonMedia.com

that's his new site

he does a Wednesday night prank call show

and he also does a show

on Thursdays at 7pm

Eastern called the Jew Money

no Your Money Show

and he said

he's going to try to show up for

a Madhouse show here

in the next, probably next week

or so, so there you go

that's right

I meant to reach out to

oh hey, before I forget, another thing

Milkman, everyone should go

to the forums regardless

despite what I said before about the forums

and this and that, Ted

did you see that

somebody paid for

an ad, an Indian

promo, an Indian Madhouse

promo, I guess there's a website out there

they'll call a website out there called fiverr.com f-i-v-e-r-r.com where for like five bucks people

will record themselves saying your madhouse your website info or they'll record an ad for you or

something oh yeah like a promo like a promo yeah so someone paid five dollars for this indian family

to to dance an indian song and holding a sign there's a little indian girl with a sign that

that says madhouse radio and another one who has a sign that says sister and the rest of the family

and they're all dancing i'll play the music i mean obviously you can't see it i haven't seen

that is that in the forum it's in the forums if you look in the forums it's called indian madhouse

radio promo um everyone go check that out because i saw it and all i did was watch it over and over

again and i showed it to jen and he about cracked his ass up he's like oh my god jen stewart like

I fucking loved it.

I'll play the music just so you can hear it.

Basically, this is it.

It's four Indian guys dancing in the center,

and on either side is a little Indian girl holding a sign.

This is Madhouse Radio, and the other one says Sister.

It's like a 30-second little Indian dance.

It's fucking hilarious.

That just costs $5.

$5?

And if you go to that site,

yeah, if you go to the site,

Fiverr with two R's dot com,

F-I-V-E-R-R dot com,

There's tons of different things that you can get done.

I'm going to get some of those.

Yeah, but thanks.

It was Tristan.

I think it was Tristan.

He goes by Sooty in the forums.

He sponsored this promo.

So thank you, sir.

That was hilarious.

Much obliged.

That should have been our super.

That's classical, man.

Uh-huh.

Milkman, when you go check it out.

Yeah, check that out, Milkman.

It got posted on the Madhouse Facebook also.

Okay, cool.

Check it out.

Oh, man, I had Chinese today, and I'm just, whew, look at the itis.

You know what I'm saying?

Another number here from Dirty Aaron.

Winco Foods, a discount grocery store that sells collard greens and turnip greens.

All right.

Wanko Foods.

Wanko.

Ken, it was you, right, that we used to call Big Booty Brenda?

It's a number that you sent us, some kind of grocery store in Illinois.

It wasn't a convenience store yet.

It was Ken, I believe.

Ken sent the number.

No, no, no.

So, Ken, he had the Sidgo, the lady, the girl who's really annoyed with us.

But I'm pretty sure Ken also sent the number.

I thought Ken sent the number for some grocery store also that we used to call.

What the hell?

Are you talking about the Grits store?

No, well, not Grits.

I used to call the black lady and ask her about how you make collard greens.

She's like, I don't make no collard greens.

She's like, I don't make collard greens.

Actually, I think you say hit on her every week.

As a matter of fact, you know, she's like, I'm married.

No.

What the hell was that place?

That place was awesome.

Well, if it doesn't have real bacon grease in it, it's not real Southern church.

The last thing I was asking was, like, can you use bake?

Do you have to use ham, like, pork fat?

Or can you use salt back or whatever?

Something like that.

Yeah.

Because there were all of the groceries.

They're like, stop calling.

She doesn't want.

She's busy.

Like, just put her on.

She's black.

She's got to know how to make all the greens.

Like, I told her, like, your mammy probably cooked them.

I know you know how.

Oh, yeah.

Sporty Bird says, yeah.

Big Booty Brando, yeah, that was the name.

This number is not going through.

So, I'm leaving you.

Too short.

Man, I got a friend, man, and they're too short, man.

One of my bros, man.

Too short?

Yeah.

Who's this?

I don't know.

The Wanko.

Calling Wanko Food.

This is Terry.

May I help you?

Yeah, I was calling about collard greens.

Okay.

Hold on one moment, please.

Yeah, this is the collard greens department.

All right.

So, do you have the bacon fat there?

For the collard greens?

How do you make the collard greens, then?

I bought these collard greens.

It doesn't have any instructions.

All right.

Is there a black person I can talk to?

Well, you probably don't know much about collards, right?

Yeah, but you're white.

Well, it's a black people food.

Yes, it is.

Yes.

Oh, what else do I put in the collard greens?

What else do I put in the collard greens?

You put bacon in the collard greens, right?

Yes, in the collard greens.

Can I put mustard in a hot sauce?

No, I have some more questions.

uh watermelons there right no wait a minute you have onions there how many onions go in the

collard greens no no no come on man you guys sold this to me with no instructions how many

onions do i put i did it said the call i looked up on your website it said to call in because

they didn't have any information it gave me your phone number listen okay so you got onions there

right potatoes you forgot to ask him can you put weed in collard greens i wonder no it won't get

get hot enough though thanks for calling michael food does terry may help you yeah i was talking

to the collard green manager oh okay he called me a racist slur he did okay hold on one second

and i'll have someone that can talk to you okay one second okay so it's just cabbage right

no not really more like dandelions you know like david how can i help you closer to like

yeah collard greens right yeah hello yeah this is the collard greens department shuffle to a

manager do you need produce well i was talking to produce and he refused to give me the information

What are you guys looking for?

How many onions do you put in the collard greens that you sold me?

I have no idea.

Exactly what question are you asking?

Because collard greens and onions are two different vegetables.

Well, yeah.

The guy was telling me that I have to put onions and things in the collard greens when you make them.

And then he refused to give me the information.

So I put a bag of collard greens inside the water, in the hot water.

You're asking for like a recipe information?

Well, no.

This thing didn't come with the instructions.

I have no idea how you make collard greens.

I've never had them in my life.

Is the produce guy there?

I can see if I can find someone for you.

Here, here's what I want.

Can you bring the produce guy to where you are

and the both of you figure this out with me on the phone, please?

Well, I still have to put you on hold to go find the produce guy.

Go find the produce guy.

Come back to the phone with him.

I'll put you on hold, okay?

And then come back to the phone with him, okay?

Okay.

All right, thanks.

Anyway, it's kind of like a leafy kind of thing,

and you've got to wash your collard greens, too,

because they've got a lot of grit in them, you know?

UK 10.

It's like the green part that grows out of the ground on turnips.

It's very similar to that.

Yes.

And you can eat turnip greens, too.

People even care.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm just looking on Google Images.

It just looks like baby cabbage.

Kind of.

In a way.

Yeah, kind of like pitch almost.

Leafy.

Leafy when you eat it.

It's more leafy than cabbage.

So what's the bacon fat?

Greener.

Well, because a lot of recipes for it, you add bacon or, like, pork fat to it.

salt back, salted pork fat

just for a flavoring I guess

you know, I guess that's just kind of

it goes with it, onions sometimes

it's an African, it's a black

black American kind of

food, I'm not just

they just returned the flavor

well they didn't have meat or anything

but they could get the grease, meaty flavor

exactly, but I mean cabbage

and shale and broccoli

greens in general are incredibly

good for you, but then to

To saturate it with bacon fat, that just seems so counterproductive.

What you've got to remember is in those cultures, like Milkman said,

they weren't allowed to have the good meat and stuff.

They were given the scraps from the pig and the fat and the hawks.

Sir?

Yes.

Apparently, all you have to do is you can steam them or boil them like you would with a green bean,

and you can mix them with whatever other kind of vegetable you want.

Well, he said onions and bacon.

Well, yeah, you can put whatever you want in there.

Yeah, but he's making pasta.

You can throw whatever you want in there.

I don't understand pasta.

What do you mean?

Well, when you make pasta, you can put whatever kind of sauce.

I'm not making pasta.

I know that's what I'm saying, though.

It's like that.

I don't understand.

You can put whatever you want in those green collard beans.

I don't eat that.

I'm not from Italy.

Okay, that's fine.

All right, so listen, you guys got a big mess here with me now.

Well, you're more than welcome to come back in the morning,

and you can talk to the store manager if you'd like.

Well, I want a refund, and I want it tonight.

Or I want you guys to fix my dinner.

Sir.

No, seriously, come on now.

You provide the groceries.

You've been told by two different people how to prepare them.

You're telling me to throw anything in there.

I don't know what else you want me to do for you.

You're telling me to throw anything in there.

I'm going to hold you liable if I put something in there that's poisonous.

You can put whatever you want in there.

I'm going to put snake venom in it.

You said it's okay.

I never said anything of the kind.

Yes, you did. You said anything.

Sir, I have other things to do in the store.

You said to put PCP and marijuana in it.

Cooperative.

It genuinely worries me

how convincing you are

as just a really creepy person.

You're going to put

snake venom, PCP, and marijuana.

Yes. He said anything.

My mom got...

When I was young, my mom caught me

smoking weed once, and she's like,

you know, she's like, you shouldn't do that.

I said,

I used the whole argument, you know,

the Bible says, the passage in the...

Because she's very religious, I said,

the passage in the Bible says that

That God created all the animals and the plants for man to consume.

And she goes, yeah.

But that doesn't mean you should go out and eat poison ivy.

And I'm like, alright, you got a point.

That's like, you got me there.

Alright, remember, she got me good.

She's smart.

Jesus was anointed with cannabis oil.

I don't know.

Okay.

Did he go to Egypt and they did that to him?

I believe you, Tatum.

I'm just saying, my mom got me really good with that one.

I was like, I don't have a comeback for that.

Because I grew up all the time, like, Cypress Hill always had that.

You know, the barbel says you should smoke weed.

That was their proof to go on.

Oh, boy.

Anyway.

I have a feeling you'll be using that with Carlito Jr.

Cannabis oil?

You know, I don't know.

There's someone that listens to this show.

They told me they caught their kid smoking pot and they weren't very happy about it.

And I was like, but, I mean, you used to smoke pot, right?

Like, yeah.

What's the difference?

Smoke pot, you're never going to have kids at this point.

problem i say none but you know you're at an age now you're you're pretty much setting your ways

you're happy where you are now you're shooting blanks now uh but with if you had a kid would you

our milkman be serious for a second if you had a kid and then you let's say you found

pot in their room or something what would you would you give him the talk like it's bad or

would you tell him look i did this when i was your age just control yourself you know don't

be stupid about it what would you do how would you handle it i'm curious well i'd have to first

of all i'd have to reinforce that you know they're not old enough to be making those decisions and

you know that's not permissible it's age and it's hot for me to tell you did it or not came down

because then it's going to undermine any authority that i may receive that i have

so yeah okay yeah even if you had indiscretions you got to use that information to be more

more knowledgeable not not uh not confident you know and let them know that you made a mistake

use that to be more knowledgeable how to handle the situation yeah that's my opinion you know

that's why you're not a good father ted had something to say about that ted how would it

go down in your house no no i was just agreeing with milkman yeah i mean except i'd probably say

um that i i had done it and i regret doing it when i was younger i mean i don't touch the

stuff now i haven't done for years but um i did it way too much when i was younger and it

It fucks my memory up, seriously.

So, you know, if I had kids, I'd say, look, if you are, you know, once you're 21 or something,

help yourself, smoke as much as you want, but not when you're a child, because it ruins

your head, it really does.

That's your growth as well, too.

Yeah, they're talking about vaping in the chat room, Dark Stranger and Toalas.

I never got around, I tried it once, like, you know, like I went over to some guy's house

once, he's like, oh, you guys, we're going to vape.

like okay and he pulls out this thing and it's got a like a aquarium hose on it and shit he's

like yeah put it in here and light it up and turn it on and turn on the battery it's like it's not

working and here and put it in there and turn it back on and i'm like oh for fuck's sake forget it

i never got to the one chance i had i had someone that had the vaping stuff and he's like he made

such a project i was like for god fuck it man it's like we're putting a cheap ass machine man

Man, if you ever eat meat, man, it's like a good rush, but you don't have all that bullshit.

It's just any case exactly.

Yeah, you know.

I don't know.

No, I never did that, but my dad told me about him doing it.

Uh-oh.

Really?

There you go.

Watch out with that, man.

Japan, they'll throw you in jail.

They'll throw the key away.

I'm not kidding you.

I go back to them.

Then it happened to Paul McCartney.

Then he got caught with a little bit of weed, and he's like, I'm a fucking Beatle.

They wouldn't let him go.

They love the Beatles out there in Japan.

They had the little Paul McCartney, and they kind of was some weed at the airport.

I think it was in, like, prison for, like, a week or something, right?

Oh, God, yeah, they are.

They are super strict.

Yeah.

And they don't really distinguish between drugs either.

Uh-uh.

I mean, legally they do, but, like, the people, they see cannabis as a drug,

and it's no better or worse than heroin.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't think he can go back to Japan.

That was, like, in the 70s or something.

I think he's still not able to step foot in Japan.

But, like, he had a hard time getting out.

Like I said, they love that guy.

They love his music and shit.

I remember when I was there, one of their airport security guys were training the drug-sniffing dogs.

Yeah.

And they put some resin, or skunk, not skunk, what do you call the resin?

Hash.

Right.

They just put it in some random person's luggage, test the dogs, and the dogs failed.

Oh, did they shoot them?

He just left Narita Airport with, like, a kilogram of cannabis resin in his bag.

And it's a massive, massive sick storm over there.

Dude, there's, on Netflix, I don't know what it's called.

There's a documentary about this girl.

It's a National Geographic documentary.

And this American girl was going to Asia.

I think she was going to Thailand.

And then what she would do is she would, like, swallow, like, all these heroin pills.

pills and like she would melt i guess like she would put them in condoms and then melt them and

swallow them and stuff and uh something like that to get heroin like from thailand to the united

states and she would fly through japan each time and at once she couldn't swallow them once so she

had them in her belt like she stuffed them in her clothes and stuff and and the transfer in japan

like she ended up getting lost in the airport and she ended up in security and they checked her

and they caught her with all this heroin

like a record amount

like they had never stopped somebody with this much heroin

at the Narita airport before

and she ended up doing like 3-4 years

in some prison

in Japan and it was crazy

like you just gotta watch this documentary

it's freaking, you feel bad for the girl

no I don't feel bad for her at all

I mean she's incredibly lucky that she was caught

in Japan and not Thailand

otherwise she would have been shot

yeah probably

3-4 years in a Japanese prison

and but but here's and i won't dwell on this too much but here's the stupid thing she's so she's

so dumb she's like this is gonna be my last time doing it right she showed up at the airport with

all the heroin on her like sewn into her clothes or whatever she showed up at the wrong day to the

airport like the day before her flight was supposed to go she showed up and started arguing

at the desk about it like no my flight's today and stuff and security in like thailand pulled

pulled her aside and were like like going and going at it like they were like you know why you

come here why you come the wrong day that's very suspicious you know and they let her go like that

if that wasn't a sign from god like don't do this like she almost got caught in thailand and then

she still insisted the next day and trying it again after she got away with that she went and

then she still went through security and then she got caught in japan but man she spent she spent

spent five years like she couldn't talk to anybody

like in a three foot cell and

like if she washed her hair she could

only use three cups of water to

rinse it out and all this crazy shit.

It still sounds better than American

prisons. I'd rather go to prison

in the Netherlands or

something. That's what I hear. Their prisons are

nice. British prisons are quite nice

as well actually.

Full Jamaicans and stuff. Hell no man.

What about them?

Travelers there and stuff?

No we don't send travelers to prison.

they got the iron maiden

they got the rat there

so you know

for your

portrait pleasure

we have the stocks

in every village

in the middle of the village

the stocks

they'll put a dunce cap

on you

parade you through town

and if you're

if you got drunk

after

on the queen's birthday

then we put you

in a barrel

and we

parade you through town

and scorn you

alright

we got a

number here

for uh

well we got a few

more requestor pranks

but before we get

to more requestor pranks

uh mpsa cobra you sent in some and unknown sender uh also has sent in requests to pranks we'll get

to those in a moment before we get to those i want to mention lonesome losers in the chat room

our supreme prank call leader confirmation hitman and he sent the numbers for the some indian

restaurants those are always fun and the vietnamese cafe i don't think i'm gonna drink

coffee from vietnam but okay and here we go brendan is sending in the number it's woodman's

market north that's what it was women's market that's what it was man that's where the black

lady big booty brenda all right you got the right one now i

hear this music it reminds me of like the last vacation i took well the last long vacation i

i took like my honeymoon to the caribbean i listened to this album a lot it just reminds

me of being on the cruise ship listening to this on my ipod good time there was a good thing i

did in that that call with the ipad and you mentioned all these like uh so you know uh

policy unit may have the co-optification device velocimator he was agreeing to all of it dude

i thought that was hysterical the velocimator that's the simpsons thing north road woodman

John, I'm going to help you.

Is Brenda there?

Brenda does not work here anymore.

Oh, when did she leave?

A long time ago.

Oh, is she single?

I have no idea.

We had an affair for a while.

Yeah, I have no idea.

I haven't seen her since she left.

She taught me how to make collard greens, if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

That's like when you go down on a girl in the back end.

She taught me all that stuff, and she was married, but we had a relationship.

Relationship, yeah.

Are there any other black girls I can talk to?

Not here.

Do you know how to make collard greens?

I don't care about that.

Can I show you?

No, man.

That's when I bend over after I take a poop.

All right, cool.

I've got to get back to work here.

You have a good one.

Lick it clean.

Collard greens.

Well, I guess we don't have any reason to call Woodmans anymore because...

You could have told them that you had an affair and she got you pregnant and you need her number.

Well, I'm a boy, Milkman.

man. You really are. You really don't know

how that works, do you? You don't know

where the boys don't get pregnant, Milkman?

Well, yeah, but you're

in a special case, and that's why you followed, man.

Because you realize that you're pregnant now.

Boy, excuse me a moment.

Pitch of a time light in this tonight.

There's dudes that got, like, a pussy

and a feet or two, man.

A half and half? What?

Yeah, like, they got a hole and they got a dick on them, man.

Hermaphrodite? Yeah, half-blood

or all-night hermaphrodite.

Hermaphrodite, yeah.

Yeah.

You want a bottom?

It could be.

It could happen.

You want one of those?

It's typically improbable, but it's still possible.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Lonesome.

Let's do some Banshee numbers for Lonesome.

Yeah.

Tosh Palace, everybody.

Big Super Bowl.

Ted, I know your team, the Giants, won.

Congratulations.

I was rooting for the Giants myself.

I like an armored wank ball.

That's what Dino always calls it.

Armored wank ball.

He does call it that.

Good evening, Ted Dennis.

Hi, Taj Palace.

I would like to make an order for food machines.

Go ahead, please.

Yes, like one order of papadums.

Papadum, okay.

Three diet Pepsis.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have any tandoori?

Yes, please.

Okay, tandoori what, chicken?

Tandoori chicken, okay.

Okay.

One bhenchod?

One?

One bhenchod?

What is this?

Huh?

What is what?

Hello?

Bhenchod.

What is this?

Yes, please.

Yes, order for bhenchod.

please. Okay. So, one papadum, one tandoori chicken, three diet Pepsi. And one bhenchod.

What is bhenchod? Are you Indian? Yes, we're Indian. You know what is bhenchod? No, I don't

know. Maruchud? Hello? Yes, I want to make an order. Yes? Or make an order. Okay. Go

ahead. Tandoori chicken. Okay, sir. Three diet Pepsi. Three diet Pepsi, okay. One papadum.

Okay, sir.

One Bhenchod?

Uh-huh.

It's same to you.

No, your mother.

No, no, no.

It's your sister.

No, your sister.

How many sisters do you have there for me tonight?

Hmm?

Was that your sister I was talking to?

No, man.

How are we going to throw your shoe at him?

Jesus, show some respect to me, those people.

Yes, I will like all your sisters.

What is the price?

Bhenchod?

You stupid motherfucker.

You motherchewed gandu.

Excuse me?

So help me.

That's not nice to say, you stupid monkey, dirty owl, son of a dog.

I kicked in your turban.

You asshole.

You fucking shit, stupid monkey bastard.

I wipe my ass with your turban.

You shithead.

Yeah, shut up.

Nope, man.

Let him talk.

I like to hear him.

That's funny.

Fuck him.

Very good.

Fuck him.

That's what you guys wanted.

That's what you guys paid for.

Ted, I'll call from the other number if you'd like to try the same.

Oh, sorry.

I just got back.

What did I miss?

We're doing Banchu to call.

He got mad and said curse words to me.

If you'd like, I will call from a different number, and you can try the same thing.

Is this just a restaurant?

Yep.

Just Taj Palace.

Yep.

Okay.

All right.

Excuse me.

I'm Taj Palace.

Oh, hey there.

This is Indian.

Indian food.

Hello, say again?

Hello, sir, is this Indian food?

Yeah, go ahead.

Yes, sir, you sell papadums?

Uh-huh.

Okay, I have three papadums, and you have pillow rice.

Okay.

I have some, yeah, papadums and some banshoot pillow rice, and you have a lamb curry?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have some ulukopata lamb curry and the banshoot pillow rice, and you have tikka masala?

What? Go ahead, go ahead.

Yes?

Okay, I have some maruchod tikka masala, and the banshoop pila rice, the ulukapata lamb curry, and some more maruchod.

Yes, ma'am.

What's the total?

Call the police, ma'am.

How much is that?

What did you order? Repeat again.

I want the papadums, the banshoop pila rice, the ulukapata lamb curry, the maruchod tikka masala, and the lamb curry ulalala.

That was good.

He got a little angry there.

He got a little angry.

That's cool.

A little bit of tension, yeah.

Gotta let that tension go.

Jump on.

Okay.

Lonesome sending in more numbers here.

Vietnamese is the theme coming in.

In the meantime, we've got Nirvana, where they should be nice and peaceful.

I think so, at least.

Milkman, I wanted to mention, I found the number for Reclute.

I haven't called it yet, but it's his studio.

I found his studio's new phone number

where he works at

I'm going to try to call it

I'm going to try to call it this weekend

or tomorrow see if I can catch him during the day

and say hey man come on

come on man

I get a lot of people ask about him

you know

yeah man good old recluse man

I hope he's okay man

you know last time he was messing with some pretty heavy duty stuff

he's good actually

the last time he was actually

that's why he hasn't been around

yes hello good evening my love

I wanted to make an order for food.

To go?

To go, yeah.

I come, I get.

To pick up.

I come, I want to come collect it.

Okay.

Horse.

What do you want?

Horse.

What is it?

Horse.

Want to make an order for papadums?

Papadums.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Do you have this thing?

Yeah.

Okay.

One order of sister, mother.

It's masala papadum, right?

It's only one order?

Yeah, it was one order.

Okay.

And then the Bhenchod, the sister Bhenchod.

What do you want?

Bhenchod, sister Bhenchod.

This is an Indian restaurant, right?

Yeah, are you Indian?

So, what do you want?

The Bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Uh-huh.

Like in vegetables?

Like vegetables?

Uh-huh.

No, just the Bhenchod, please.

We don't.

Do you have no sisters there?

What's that?

No sisters?

Just a moment, please.

Okay.

Is that someone calling you?

Yes.

So, why shouldn't we have, I'm telling you,

I'm sorry, what?

What did you say? What? Stupid.

We have Saag Paneer, Paneer Shahi Korma, Matar Paneer, Paneer Masala, Paneer Chilli, Manali Kofta, Navratan Korma, Punjabi Kadi, Dal Makhani, Dal Tadka, Chole Chana, Aloo Matar and Methi Matar alike.

But no Matar Chood?

Manchurian, right?

Ban Chood.

You need Manchurian?

No, Ban Chood.

No, we don't have.

This is Indian food though, you don't understand what I'm saying?

No, I'm not understanding.

Are you from India?

Yeah.

So, you know, when you have a sister, you know, sister, you know, and then you make

love to the sister and you kiss the woman, you know, I thought she was cursing me out

for a while there, but yeah, she just started reading the menu out to me for a second.

She was going, uh, we did get a, uh, voicemail here.

Let's see what it is.

Daddy Aaron's put something in the chat room.

it's uh it's a particularly nasty insult i'm guessing but um how the hell would you pronounce

all that though it looks good on paper though i have no idea how to pronounce that no idea what

it is yeah they left the voicemail someone called they left the voicemail they didn't say anything

i heard it ringing man was that going out on the air uh yeah i was trying to get to it in time

uh to silence it turn that off for show man so it doesn't ring yeah i know it's it's hard to turn

off because then i won't know if they're calling back in it's kind of fun when they do you know

uh yeah yeah they could hear it that was the problem i know milkman it's a problem i know

i'm sorry okay no i just thought just disable notification when you're in a call man sorry man

uh well let's see what number this was is either the police calling back or that person's uh the

The first number we call, that might be their cell phone or something.

Let's see.

That's what you heard, Milkman?

Yeah.

Yes?

Yes.

You okay?

Uh-huh.

You tell me what this is.

Yes?

This is the Bhenchod guy.

You also fucker guy?

No.

How did you get my phone number?

I blocked it.

That's why I call you and I call the police.

No, please.

I'm sorry.

All right.

No, please.

No, I don't want to get in trouble.

No, no, no, no, no.

You Bhenchod.

That's why I call and I already call the police.

I don't even know what that means.

I'm sorry.

My friend told me to say it.

Hey, you stupid piece of shit.

You're a son of a dog, and your mother sleeps with a dog.

Your mother sleeps in the bed with a dog, and she touches him.

What?

Oh, my.

That's awesome. Cool.

Have you got a direct number for him?

Yeah, I got a direct number. He gave me his direct number now.

Can he be the new Charlie?

Yeah, I guess so.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press...

Oops, wrong number.

That's awesome.

That guy's cool.

I like that guy.

Shall we call him back?

He's back on the callback list for later, dude.

Not right now, man. He thinks he's got you.

So let him...

Let him stew.

What the hell is he going to tell the police, though?

This random Indian guy is calling me and swearing at me.

They don't fucking care.

Yes, I'm sure they're going to launch an investigation immediately.

They're going to think it's some kind of terrorist civil war or something.

Really?

This guy called me police?

Police head?

Shut the fuck up.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone, you Taliban.

All right.

yeah we do have to save the dark stranger and others we will save them excuse me my god

i have to be up early tomorrow not as early as last week but i'm gonna be really pissed off if

i end up not having to be there like last time it just that was really rude of those people to do

that man you know what i mean especially to you guys you guys are the ones most disrespected by

that fact no we were just worried about you we're just happy to hear it wasn't a health

health thing that prevented you?

No, no, it wasn't. I was just tired as balls, man.

I guess it was healthy, you know. I was tired.

Marijuana?

I want to make an order, please.

Okay. Just a moment, please.

Okay, go ahead.

Yes, I would like the order of the

pilau rice with curry

chicken. You have curry chicken?

Chicken curry, yeah.

With pilau rice, chicken plow.

Chicken curry.

Spice level? Yes.

Chicken curry, yeah.

Spicy little

Uh-huh, yeah, spicy, sure, whatever

And then I want you to take a cup

And I want you to fart in the cup

What's that?

I want you to fart in the cup

Hello?

I want you to fart in a cup and smell it

I'm not understanding what you're telling me

You take a cup, right?

A cup that you drink out of

And you put it on your ass

And you blow air out of your ass

You break wind

You go

In the cup

And then you put it in your mouth

And you smell it

No

That was the same one from last time

You lost the connection

She tried it

She's upset that you've discovered the secret

To Indian food

Who told you

You know

Dude no offense

I gotta work with

A lot of them

And like today for example

We had a conference meeting

In a conference room that was closed

Door and it was about

Three Indians

For every one American in there

And it got smelly

really i'm not trying to be racist i'm just saying it's really smelly really fast man it's

i don't understand how that can't be racist that's the most racist thing i've ever heard you say

that's not yeah they have a smell golden curry yes hi are you indian yes i want to make an order

please yes what would you like uh chicken plow chicken plow we don't have chicken plow you're

you're not indian yeah we are are you an indian person yes well you don't make chicken plow here

though do you have regular plow do you have papadums yes okay i'll make an order for that

okay okay and then one order for coconut soup what was that coconut soup from thailand we don't

have that either this is indian food no that's different we don't have that though oh okay do

Do you have Madrachod and Bhenchod?

Excuse me?

Madrachod and Bhenchod.

Who are you?

I'm a friend.

Hello?

Please don't hang up.

Please.

Who are you?

We are friends of the family.

I want to be.

Yes.

Hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Order?

Oh, yes.

I'd like to make an order.

I don't have an order.

Huh?

Hello?

I don't have an order.

Hello?

You heard her in the background.

Yeah.

You want an order?

Well, I guess my money's no good for them, Milkman.

Oh, my.

Okay, George Takei.

What are you doing, Ted?

What is that noise?

Oh, it's my fans.

Your fans?

Yeah, that reminds me.

There was a prank I was playing for Athena from the marathon.

I want to play it now.

I don't know if you're doing a version of that.

Did you hear the one?

You know all those vacuum cleaner pranks I was doing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's one where I was sticking a credit card inside a fan,

and I think it was Legend who was saying that he had his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

And I was making the noise you were making.

It's pretty funny.

Let's listen to it.

While I take a break, I've got to stretch my legs real quick here.

I'm not going to leave for a full break

I'm just going to play a prank real quick here

while I go over here to the side

and grab my tea and drink out of it

the gallon that I made of tea

can we call Indian Charlie

yeah we can call him

sure we can call him back

that's a good idea

I want to call him Chudley

when we come back we'll do that

but before that let's call this

what would it be called here

vacuum cleaner problem

that's what it's called

fuck yeah

alright listen

plumbing this is charlie hi charlie listen hi i i accidentally i have an issue with one of your

vacuum cleaners and since this is you know a plumbing problem i figured i'd call you

because it's it's my plumbing that's stuck in the uh vacuum cleaner and like i i just need to know

how to how to get out of it and it keeps turning on on its own i i don't understand what's going on

Oh, God, there it goes.

My plumbing is stuck in your vacuum cleaner, sir.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

I don't understand.

What were you doing?

Were you trying to get the water out of the sink or something?

No, I accidentally fell on the vacuum, and now my plumbing is stuck in your vacuum cleaner.

Oh, Jesus.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, God.

There it goes.

All right.

Who is this?

My name is Roy.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. It keeps turning on and doing things. Oh, Jesus. Oh, baby Jesus, help me.

All right, who is this?

My name is Roy, sir, and this is not a laughing matter. I wish you wouldn't laugh at me.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. I've been trying to reverse it. Here, let me put it in full reverse.

Let me see if I can put it in full reverse. Hang on. That didn't do it. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I'm stuck.

Can you help me?

Oh, you're unstuck now?

I wish I was unstuck, sir.

I'm not unstuck.

Can you help me?

No, I don't think so.

I think this may be a 911 matter we're talking about.

Will they use the jaws of life on me?

I'm sorry, what's that now?

Will they use the jaws of life?

No, I don't tend to judge life much.

Oh, God, it keeps turning.

How do I at least keep it from turning on?

Oh, my God.

How about unplugging it?

That would work.

Well, no, it's battery-powered.

It's battery-powered, and it keeps turning.

Oh, boy.

I tell you what, you should have made my mic.

This is probably one of the most unusual thoughts I've seen in here.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it's stuck.

Can you please help me?

Oh, ow.

Ow, ow.

Oh, please.

Oh, Lord.

How do I back it out?

Can I back it out?

I set it to low, but that's what got me in this trouble to begin with.

There you go.

That was me on the fan.

Thank you.

Everybody, for listening tonight to Carlito, Milkman, and UK Ted.

Big Ken sent in a number for a Toys R Us year, which we're good to.

Of course, the prank's also coming in from unknown MPSA Cobra.

He sent in a number for Red Robin.

Milkman's a big fan of Red Robin.

Calling Red Robin, where burger lovers unite.

How can we be of service to you?

To place a to-go order, press 1.

Great night, Red Robin.

I want to make an order for all-you-can-eat hamburgers to go.

You want to do an order to go?

All-you-can-eat hamburger.

We do all-you-can-eat fries, but not all-you-can-eat hamburgers.

All-you-can-eat fries and hamburgers.

Okay, and do you want your burger cooked pink or no pink?

What do you mean pink?

And what kind of cheese?

What do you mean pink?

In the burger patty, cooked with pink in the middle or all the way through?

What do you think?

When they do, can I get a little bit of pink on the outside?

On the inside.

On the outside part.

On the inside, it'll be brown.

Okay, so we'll go no pink?

On the outside, I want it pink.

It's not going to come pink on the outside.

It's going to come brown on the outside.

And I want all-you-can-eat hamburgers.

What kind of, do you want cheese on there?

Well, some of them want cheese and some of them I don't.

How many are we doing?

All-you-can-eat.

We don't do all-you-can-eat burgers.

It says all-you-can-eat here on the menu.

All-you-can-eat french fries, not the burgers.

It just says all-you-can-eat.

I can grab a manager if you want.

Wait, please?

Hold on just a second, okay?

I'm going to put you on hold.

Okay.

Hello?

This is Earl. How may I help you?

Hi, Earl. How you doing?

I'm good. How are you?

I want to make an order for all-you-can-eat hamburgers and fries.

All-you-can-eat hamburgers and fries.

Well, we have bottomless, you can have as many steak fries as you want, but we don't have bottomless hamburgers.

So, if you order a bacon cheeseburger, you can get as many fries as you want, but you don't get bottomless hamburgers.

So, I want to make a total order, then, I guess, for bottomless french fries.

For bottomless french fries.

Well, in order to get the bottomless french fries, you have to buy a burger.

But we can do, like, a pound of fries for $4.29 plus tax, and that's quite a few fries in there.

Wait a minute. The hamburgers come with free fries, right?

Yes.

So then I'll get, I want a one-side burger with everything on it.

Okay.

And no pink inside.

And then I want a garbage bag full of french fries.

A garbage bag full of french fries. We can't do that many.

That's all you can eat.

Okay.

I can eat all of that.

Okay. Um, well, I will give you, I will give you a lot of french fries. How about that?

Garbage bag.

Okay, so I have the bonsai burger with everything on it,

and that's going to be the mayo, lettuce, and tomato, and then fries.

Do you want anything else?

How big are your garbage bags there?

How big are the garbage bags?

Are they 10 gallons?

Well, either way, I can't serve french fries in a garbage bag.

I can put them in to-go boxes, but I cannot do a garbage bag.

How many to-go boxes will fit inside a garbage bag?

I have no idea, but I can't give you that many.

We don't have that many fries in-house right now until our order tomorrow.

That's all you can eat.

So when you get here, I will give you as many fries as you would like that you can take home, okay?

Well, what I'm going to do, I'm going to come in my fake-out truck.

You're going to what?

I'm coming into my pickup truck.

Okay.

And I weigh 482 pounds, so I can't get out of the car.

Well, we'll do curbside to go for you.

So you can fill out the front and back seat of my truck with a french fry.

Sorry, sir, I cannot do that.

But I will be more than willing to give you three or four boxes of fries with your bonsai burger.

And I will be more than willing to take them out to your truck to give them to you.

Do you have a computer there?

Um, yes, I don't, not for guest use.

No, well, you have an inventory.

Yes.

So, can you look up and see how many french fries are in the inventory?

Can I look up what?

How many french fries frozen you have in the inventory?

I don't know how many I have in the inventory right now, but...

Well, look it up.

If you hit F1 on the computer, hit F1 and type in your search query, and then it'll tell you how many you have in stock.

Oh, really? Okay. Well, let me put you on a brief hold, and I will go do that, okay?

I just want to know how many bags of frozen french fries you have, so then I can make plans to bring enough boxes for you to put them in.

Okay, well, let me put you on a brief hold.

How long is it going to be, a long time?

I do not know.

We will figure that out.

But let me first find out how many french fries I have in the restaurant for you, okay?

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah, I knew she was going to hang out.

What a bitch.

I knew she was going to do that.

A brief hold.

I knew she was going to do that.

I bet she can't be that nice.

She can't be about to find out how many french fries they have.

How do you do she wasn't being nice?

Jackie.

Calling Red Robin, we're Burger Lovers Unite.

How can we be of service to you?

To place a to-go order, press 1.

Having a great night, Mr. Robin.

This is April.

How can I help you?

I was talking to the manager.

I'm sorry?

The manager put me on hold on accident.

She hung up.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I accidentally pressed the wrong button there.

So, you know, I'm not trying to be rude or anything like this,

but, I mean, are you guys wasting my time?

Is this a prank call?

Because it's not funny and I don't appreciate that

And this is really disrespectful

Because I tried to put you on

I tried to put you on hold and I didn't

So I picked back up the phone

And then you guys were saying

Oh she's not really going to go find out

How many fries you guys have in house

In a regular voice

That wasn't me talking

Oh it wasn't?

No

You signed the phone down

You guys can come in and get a bonsai burger

To go and I will give you two boxes of fries

You slammed the phone.

You slammed the phone on me in a disconnector.

Oh, okay.

So I don't know who you were talking to.

Okay.

Well, you guys can have a bonsai burger and two boxes of fries to go if you would like to do that.

Who are you guys?

For you or whoever.

I don't know who you are.

Okay.

Well, like I said, you can have a bonsai burger to go with two boxes of fries.

Are you guys still interested in doing that or is it not something you want to do?

It's just me. It's just me. It's just me. It's just between me and my all-you-can-eat french fries.

I command you and the white devil, you must feed me.

You guys, I'm here. I can't get rid of it. My french fries. Give me my french fries.

Let's call back. This is never going to be serious.

Calling Red Robin, where burger lovers unite. Your call is being transferred.

Having a great night, Scotch Belly, Red Robin, this is Alyssa, how may I help you?

I'd be having a great night if I had my french fries.

Please feed me my french fries.

Yes.

I need to eat all my french fries.

There's special salt here.

Added milk, I have written the salt.

Call her back.

Last time I called her.

Red Robin, we're...

Your call is being transferred.

Having a great night here, Red Robin, this is Ariel, how may I help you?

Oh, yes, special sauce.

Sauce.

This isn't funny anymore, and I have your phone number, and if you call back one more time, I'm going to call the police.

No, please. I want you to put special sauce on the french fries.

Okay. Like I said, if you call back one more time, I'm going to report you to the police,

and I'm going to give them the phone number that I got off the phone.

We have an agreement. Just three boxes of french fries, please.

Oh, God.

Special sauce on french fries.

No. Absolutely not.

So if you call back one more time, I will call the cops.

Is this the manager? Is this the manager?

Thank you very much. Have a good night.

Answer my question.

Who is this concerning?

I want my special sauce.

French fries, special sauce, and seasonings.

Have a good night.

No. Not until I have my french fries. Do you understand?

I command you.

No, I do not.

I command you to make three boxes of french fries.

French fries.

In the back room with Papa.

Calling Red Robin, where burger lovers unite.

How can we be of service to you?

to place your call is being transferred having a great night with my red robin this is april how

can i help you uh yes i wanted to make it to go order if it's not too late what can i get for you

yes i um french fries oh my god juvenile that was fun

what ted you sound weird i just think of jabba the hutt saying french fries now

That'll have to be the title of the show

French fries

At first she was cool though

She was gonna

Give me three was it

Three boxes of french fries

She's like I'll give you two

And then I got mad

That's what happened you see

She got greedy

She yanked a box of french fries from me

And then all hell broke loose

Jack Masterson turned into the devil

182 pounds of

raging appetite

oh boy

ok let's move on

new news says for UK calls

be from the local council

advise people that their snowmen

aren't diverse enough

and too white

they would actually fall for that

make more ethnic looking snowmen

using different colors of snow

or ones representing minority groups

such as homosexuals

if that doesn't work be a traveler

Traveler offering to make a new driveway for them, okay?

Awesome.

I really like the whole fridge price thing.

All right, I got to get off of it, though.

I'm dwelling on the past here.

Fridge price.

All right, Ken, you sent the number for Toys R Us, isn't it?

Let's have a little fun.

Calling a Toys R Us here.

Some nice, clean fun.

What are you doing there, Milkman?

You got zipping up a body?

Come on, dial number.

Let's get Dirty Aaron here.

Yes, Dirty Aaron.

Hey, buddy.

Hello.

What's going on, Aaron?

Hey, Ted.

It's a good call tonight, guys.

Thanks.

You're doing well.

Thank you.

I'm working on getting some more here if my computer will cooperate.

Here we go.

Toys R Us.

I'm even thinking about calling that Banzai Burger place again.

Red Robin, is it?

That's what they call it.

I'd love to call another Red Robin with that stupidness.

Usually Red Robin is so loud, though, you know?

I know.

That one wasn't.

That poor lady.

She's being nice at first, but she hurts.

Toys R Us and Babies R Us, though.

Thank you for calling Jantz Beach Toys R Us.

Babies R Us, this is Ariel.

How can I address you, Paul?

Yes, I was calling about the horse.

Horse.

The what?

The horse.

The horse?

Yes.

What horse?

The toy horse.

The big toy horse.

Okay.

Are you looking to see if we have it in stock?

Yes.

Let me go ahead and put you on hold, and I'll check on that real quick.

Will you bring it with you?

I have some questions.

Okay, yeah.

I'm going to go ahead and put you on hold, and I'll grab that real quick.

Okay, thanks.

Please hold.

While we wait, let's see what other numbers we can get to when we're done with this one.

We've got a few more Indian places.

Yes, Ted?

Are you saying something, Ted?

I was saying pony.

Oh, okay.

Um, we got a few more Indian places, uh, Saks Restaurant and Lounge, the Vietnamese places,

Spicy Ginger, uh, we got a guy named Eric Meek from YouTube who goes by the name Apple

Soldier, okay, Blue Coyote Grill, Fifth Street Steakhouse, Tokyo Garden Japanese Restaurant,

and The Butcher Shop.

All those here to call tonight.

And the Japanese one would be fun.

Yes, always fun.

Baz sending in numbers, uh, also in Australia.

We got those here, thank you, Baz.

This is, uh, Ken's reminding me, this is the Toys R Us where a guy went crazy with lightsabers.

I read that story last week.

We need to call, uh, Charlie and the guy selling his iPhone again.

Yeah?

The iPhone guy.

And the Indian guy, we got his cell phone also, we'll call him.

The cursing Indian.

Let me try to get Milkman back here before we, uh, this lady comes back.

Lost him.

Last I heard of Milkman was Zip, and then you went quiet.

Like a horse, you said?

Yes, the horse.

Uh-huh.

Do you have them there with you?

Um, unfortunately not.

We don't carry them anymore.

And it doesn't look like any of the stores in our area have them.

Do you have any horses?

Yeah, we go to California.

Not big ones like that, no.

We might have...

No, we don't even have any electronic ones right now.

The only thing we have are, like, briar horses and the Schleck ones that are really small and hard plastic.

Oh, do you have any animal that I can get on top of?

Mm-mm.

Nothing big?

Not this time of year.

It's kind of more Christmas time that we get big ones like that.

You don't have any plush horses or anything?

Yeah, let's have one.

That's nice.

Ones that you can cut into.

Yes.

I guess the plushy ones, you can cut them quite easily.

Like the Pink Panther.

That's from the marathon, too.

Must have missed that, though.

Hey, Zipper.

Hello.

Hey, Mr. Zipper.

What's up, man?

I lost you.

I know.

I called you back.

We're on hold with Toys R Us.

I did a prank call to some guy who had a Pink Panther thing, and I told him I want to put

a hole in it and have sex with it, with his wife watching.

Crazy.

I can't find it.

Was he up for that?

He was actually, yeah.

He said he'd do it.

Chorches, they're $50.

They're about the size of butterscotch.

Oh, nice.

They come in brown, and they have like a little saddle on top, or there's pink ones.

Do you have them there with you?

Are they pretty?

They have nice long hair?

It's worth the $50.

Okay, can you put it up to the phone?

Damn it.

That's going to do it.

Is that it?

That was it.

All that.

Damn.

I had a plan.

Damn.

So close.

So, so close.

She actually almost did it.

She thought about it for a second, and she realized what was going on.

Can you put it up to the phone?

Toys R Us and Baby's R Us, though.

It's Toys R Us?

Yeah, I was calling about the horse.

What happened?

That's right, if it let me.

Hello?

Ah, all that holding for nothing.

She hung right up.

Oh, what a waste of show time.

Sorry, everybody.

Well, we cleared her out.

Well, getting your prank request before the show's over here.

We're winding things up here.

Probably not going to end at 1 o'clock.

Probably a little earlier.

I do have to get up a little early, like I said, tomorrow.

Hopefully get some more of these Lonesome numbers out of the way.

And maybe even some UK numbers and stuff.

You can send in your request.

I can't guarantee I'll get to them

because I've got Australian numbers to get to here,

but in the meantime...

You're just having a fit.

Yes.

Yes, hello.

Yes, I was returning a call that you left for me.

What?

You left me a voicemail about Bhenchod.

No.

Yes, you did.

No.

You left me a Bhenchod voicemail.

No.

You stupid Bhenchod.

You...

Huh?

Hello?

Sir?

Did you have something to say to me?

You jerk.

He was going to say something

until I scared him with a voice.

Oh, no.

Tell him you're going to call the police on him

for saying that and cheating.

The devil's calling me.

Hello?

You won't talk now.

I'll save the number for next week, though.

Big tub,

why so long for iTunes to get the shows on?

I get the shows on iTunes within the day

or usually within two days

or so. I usually don't get

to edit them until the weekend.

If I can do it Friday, I can, but usually by Friday

I'm so tired from work. I usually

go to sleep really early on Friday.

uh i mean you didn't hear there hasn't been an upload uh upload in a week or two because i didn't

have a show last week so there's been a gap um but yeah they're all current i mean within usually

within a few days i never there was there was one iphone or one show that took like seven or eight

days to get on but yeah yeah there was a few weeks ago there was a show that i i went it up

until like the very last day before the next show happened before i uploaded it you're teasing us

Sorry, guys.

I got a life, you know?

30 hours.

It does actually work.

And, you know, we've got one man on the whole editing team.

Mono kind of gets busy sometimes, so just try to be patient.

We love you all.

Thank you for your interest.

I don't love them.

I don't love these guys.

Milkman, what are you talking about?

I don't care less.

We got Homo Panthers calling in.

Homo Panther.

Wow.

Hi.

Okay, bye.

See you.

All right, nice talking to you.

Thanks.

Thanks for joining us.

CEO wouldn't want to be, uh...

Whatever.

What are you saying?

He was thug.

He was a gay.

Are we calling Australia or what?

We'll get to it.

When I feel like it.

Yeah, you're the man.

Thank you.

Good evening, Gus.

For real?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

What's your name, sir?

Yes, my name is Mr. Horse.

What would you like to get tonight?

I'd like an order for Bhenchod, Gandu, and Matarchud.

The fuck are you talking about, man?

This is an order for food.

Bhenchod, Gandu, Matarchud, and your sister.

Okay, this call is recorded.

I'm going to call the police.

Do you want that?

I don't understand what you're saying.

Your dirty, filthy accent

What?

You motherfucker

Get out

Right

More insults

He told you to get out

Does he think

That you're inside his phone?

I wanted to get out

Of my phone

The guy was a little bit

Sexy there

Actually that wasn't that funny

You know

When you think about it

It wasn't that funny

Yeah that guy said

To get out of what?

What did he mean?

I was making an order

Alright go ahead sir

Yes

Order of

Bhenchod

Maruchud

Gandu

And your sister

No

Where are you from sir?

I'm from India.

That's not nice to talk.

Huh?

It's okay.

You can say whatever.

It's not nice to talk, sir.

I'm Bengali.

You're Bengali.

It's okay, sir.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you're misunderstanding.

This is a really good restaurant, and that's not how hard to talk, sir.

Is your sister there?

No.

Your mother, she's here.

What?

Yeah?

Your mother.

Yeah?

What is she doing there?

She's cooking and cleaning?

She's a good girl.

You don't tell her to ask her.

Did you fuck her, your mother, sir?

No.

Not at all.

I fucked your sister right now.

Go ahead and fuck your mother, sir.

No, sir.

Absolutely not.

You don't talk about my mother like that.

She's a saint.

No, I really want you to fuck your mother and suck her pussy.

Do you ever suck your pussy, your mother?

No, I fucked your mother's pussy and your sister in the mouth.

I don't have a mother.

I don't have a sister.

I don't have a father.

I'm just alone.

Can I come to fuck your sister and mother, please?

You horny?

Please.

You horny?

I really want to suck your mother's pussy.

I love to suck it, bitch.

Okay.

Sure, yeah.

Do you, nigga, this is a Punjabi boy, motherfucker.

What did you say?

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, nigga.

I am the devil.

Motherfucker.

The devil.

Come, nigga.

If you have it, just come to suck my dick.

That's not nice.

One feet dick.

Punjabi has a one feet dick, motherfucker.

You want to talk to me, nigga?

Yeah, it's nasty.

I don't want to.

I'm saying, motherfucker, my dick is one feet.

You're.

You obviously suck it so bad.

Tell your mother to suck my dick.

She would.

Tell your mother to suck my dick.

No, all the men there are too busy

sucking each other's dicks already.

Fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you.

I'll be over there shaking your dicks at each other

all the time, so you're hoping to get tired.

I really want to put my dick in your mother.

Yeah? Wow, man.

I really want to put my dick in your mother, bitch.

Yeah? Okay.

That's good. That sounds good.

Could you send her here, please?

I'm ready.

When I'm done with your sister first, then I send my mother there to kill you.

Asshole, I don't have a sister.

I don't have a mother, motherfucker.

No, you do.

I kill them all, motherfucker.

No, no, no.

I have them here.

They came to me.

And I fuck them every night.

I want to put my dick in your ass.

Why do I have to kill you, motherfucker?

Because you're gay.

Because I want to enjoy you, motherfucker.

Because you're gay.

All of you there are gay.

You're fucking right, motherfucker.

No, I'm from the Kasturi Grill.

Oh, shut the fuck up, motherfucker.

You stupid.

Believe me, nigga.

If you're Hindu, Muslim,

take Punjabi, take, motherfucker.

Stupid, I'm Pakistani, okay?

And I'm superior to you.

Shut the fuck up, motherfucker.

Never call here again.

Pakistani, number one.

Shut the fuck up.

Punjabi is number one.

Bengali, are you all fucking Nepalese?

Bengali, stupid motherfucker.

All you people are a bunch of dogs.

You know it's Punjabi.

This is the dog house.

Kebab house.

This is the dog house.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, piece of trash.

This is Punjabi, nigga.

This is the dog house.

Dog and mother there, then.

Uh-huh.

No, no, all the dogs.

Do you know how to talk now, motherfucker?

How many dogs in your kitchen?

You got enough?

You got enough of the shit?

How many dogs?

You got enough shit?

How many dogs in your kitchen shitting on the floor and you eat it?

Shut the fuck up, motherfucker.

Huh?

What?

Fuck up, bitch.

Yeah, you put your dick in the food?

You got enough shit, motherfucker?

You still want to suck my dick?

You fucking stupid dumb horse.

Fuck you, bitch.

Yeah, stupid.

Come on, suck my dick.

That's it.

That's all you got, motherfucker.

Okay.

All right.

Bitch.

Okay, stupid.

You have any power?

Come on.

Suck my dick, motherfucker.

Tell your mother.

Come over here.

Okay.

Right now.

Don't be like that.

Come on.

Will you just be my friend?

Come on.

Give me your real number.

Come on.

Give me your number, motherfucker.

Then look at what I can do it.

Okay.

206.

That's your motherfucker, 206, motherfucker.

That's my number.

That's my motherfucker number.

Can you write it down?

That's all.

Could you call this?

I'm calling right now, motherfucker.

Motherfucker, answer this phone, bitch.

7-8-2.

If you're not, you're not a real nigga, motherfucker.

I'm from the club.

206.

Uh-huh.

7-8-2.

Just 206-780.

Call.

No.

If you have any power.

Stupid.

Just answer.

3611.

Stupid monkey.

7-8-2.

Motherfucker, I already did.

Listen.

Let's, let's, if you're a real nigga, let's answer this phone right now.

Listen, assalamu alaikum, okay?

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

Yes, for you.

This is out of area.

You ought to be trying.

You already got a nigga enough shit, bitch.

If you are your mother father, bitch, just go, okay?

No.

Absolutely not.

Shut the fuck up, mother.

What do you mean no, motherfucker?

You go to the hell first.

You want to kick my one feet dick, motherfucker?

Listen, you go to the beach and you drown in the water.

Shut the fuck up, the beach.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Go to the beach and drown.

What the fuck are you talking about, the beach?

Send your mother here, motherfucker.

Go to the beach and drown.

You're going to voicemail, motherfucker.

You don't answer this phone, motherfucker.

Uh-huh.

Call me.

You've got enough shit

I'm gonna put my dick

On your mother ass

What's your name sir?

Shut the fuck up

Listen

Never ever call me in here

Listen

Wow

Hey

Hello

You piece of shit

Hey listen to me

You know

You're not

I'm gonna

I'll dress on this one

And

Cops can knock you

You know

I don't know

So white ass

Or black ass

Don't try to call

In this restaurant

Don't think

You know

If you have

A friend of us

You wanna fight

One on one

I'll fight off

All of you

At the same time

Cause you're gay

Okay

If I take my

You know what I do?

Listen.

You know what I do?

Otherwise, I'm going to call my company,

and we're going to put the card dress,

then I'll see you in court.

You know what I do?

I go down there to your store,

and I take off my pants,

and all the men go,

ooh, they don't even fight.

They get horny.

You know what?

I feel the same.

You are, you are, you know,

I'm American, too.

I feel the same.

Like, you live in this great country,

but you, like,

you don't, you know,

just go, just, you know,

in front of a mirror

seeing how you feel

how you feel

you should have some

quality time

to do some other

other thing you know

okay but is your sister

there though

while we're waiting on that

yeah I mean okay

actually I'm ready

for your mother right now

I'm ready to fuck your sister

whenever you're ready

yeah I'm gonna just

get ready there

coming now

the first thing I do

is I go I'm gonna

fuck your sister

in front of you

and then we fight

and then I beat you up

hey bitch

bitch bitch

is Punjabi nigga

motherfucker

are you still

are you fuck your mother

already or not

could you put your dick

on your mother

I'm busy

she has a little

A really small hole.

I'm busy working.

Do you ever kiss Adone?

You know what his name is?

Yes.

Her toenail.

You don't know his word.

The ass.

What?

That's enough for you?

That's enough tonight?

Yes.

You're going to sleep enough?

I'm going to have a nice night tonight with your mom and your dad.

Shut the fuck up.

Nice night, nigga.

I'm going to sleep between your parents tonight.

You're a fucking Hindu?

Fucking Hindu or fucking Muslim?

Ah, you...

Tell me now, nigga.

Mara Chot Gando.

Man, you're a fucking idiot.

What the fuck is that?

Ulu.

You don't know how to speak English, motherfucker.

Where you going to school, bitch?

Are you speaking English?

I don't speak.

I don't understand what you're saying.

Fuck off.

They pick up again.

No?

Okay.

Wow.

He's an angry young man.

God damn.

It's been some night tonight here with these foreigners.

I'm telling you.

He obviously has some backstory.

There's some chip on his shoulder.

He says, I don't deserve to be in my country.

Maybe he's with the revolution or something.

He grew up with the Punjabi, like, different country, racist against others, all brown.

Well, he doesn't like Muslims, and he doesn't like Hindus, so I guess that makes him Sikh.

He doesn't like blacks, either. I don't know.

Nice. Good times tonight, everybody.

I feel sort of agitated there, Armani, so I don't know what his problem was.

I don't know.

He must be cousins with the Turkish horse guy.

Yeah, yeah, should have third-way called him, right?

That's what you do. You get one going, and then the other one going. You put them together, right?

There you go.

There'd be, like, two attacking dogs.

I did actually, when he was off on a rant,

I started recording it because I thought it would be funny to use,

but you can play that back to the Turkish horse.

That would be fun.

There you go.

Well, I'm confused.

Who's on the line here?

Is this Baz on the line or Dirty Aaron on the line?

Dirty Aaron here.

You're not Baz?

It's not Baz, for sure.

It's not Baz.

I don't think so.

Anyway.

All right.

You just said we should have connected that call to the Asiatic Black Sea.

That's definitely another one to hang on to.

holy shit man wow all right moving right along getting some keepers tonight i'm telling you it's

been a pretty good night french fries tonight i think i figured out why that some of the

restaurants don't know what the madrachad means because this is it's their hindu swear words

i found this website that has all the different hindu swear words in there uh the madrachad and

all those are all on here so some of them might not be hindu they might speak a different language

was a different dialect i thought they all spoke hindi though i'm confused maybe they don't because

sometimes you're right we do call them like i don't know what this is but it's usually the women

that say that you know some of them speak punjabi is the first language right oh so they are different

dialects i don't know i don't mean to sound listen to me i don't mean to i don't mean to

sound uh uh whatever it means you don't want to sound racist but they all smell the same they all

sound i don't mean to sound ignorant i'm saying but i didn't know that they don't speak the same

I'll speak the same language.

But here I'm talking about being ignorant

while I'm calling them sister fuckers.

Yeah.

But, yeah.

Alright.

Just a moment here.

Regathering my thoughts,

thinking about who I'm going to call next.

Call the iPhone guy back.

The iPhone guy back.

Yeah, let me call Australia first, though.

Hang on.

There are some lazy fuckers in the UK

who are asleep at the moment.

That's true.

I'm sure Lonesome will be sending UK numbers in a moment.

Hopefully that same town we've been calling recently

recently where they're very angry bristol is it where are we no not bristol bristol's a gay town

right must be in the north right i forget like some little village or what we're calling well

he sent the numbers south end on sea england and ben fleet england i don't know where those are

south end on sea okay nina's going crazy for uk let's do australia and then uk

i agree with ted in the chat if nina wants to call uk you can call in exactly yeah nina when

When are you going to call in?

How about we don't call the UK again until Nunu calls in?

We'll never call in again.

Nunu suggests that we call my mum, and I agree.

I agree, too.

Absolutely.

Hello.

All right, here we go.

Australia.

Every three adult horns be.

Yeah, I wanted to read them books.

Do you have any that are in American?

Do you have any books that are in American?

That are not American.

North American?

North American.

You know we're a bookstore, yeah?

Yeah, do you have any American books?

Oh, we've got American magazines, mate.

I'm visually impaired

from the United States

I'm blind

well they've got

adult books for blind people here

that you can touch

unfortunately those we don't have mate

and I haven't come across them

from any of our suppliers

I can make inquiries

and see if we can get you something mate

would you like to leave me contact details

so I can get back in touch with you mate

or would you rather just check that

no do you have any breasts

that I can feel

like plastic breasts

not at the moment mate

I can get those as well mate

we can get

Yeah, I think Jenna Jameson's probably the best one.

She's had her breasts molded, and you can get a lifelike pair of hers.

What about penises?

Penises?

They've got dongs, yeah.

Okay.

Can you describe them to me?

I can't see them.

Can you tell me what they look like?

Well, they're penis-shaped, mate.

That's pretty much it, just in various sizes.

What color?

Well, which ones do you have there right now?

Well, does it really matter if you can't see them?

They're growing in the dark, pink, purple, and fresh colored.

Yeah, because, I mean, it matters because other people are going to see me with it

when I'm walking to the library.

Well, you can't walk around with a rubber penis in your hand, mate. You'll get arrested, basically. They're for home.

No, not in the United States.

Not here, mate.

Actually, you can walk around with a dildo if you're blind, because you don't know better.

What did I do?

I'm sorry for eating you guys. That's funny, though.

You're echoing.

I'm going to do it if my father-in-law is blind. I'm going to give him a rubber dildo and walk around with it.

People will stop him. They'll be like, I can't see it. I don't know what it is.

It's horrible, mate. In fact, my wife here is just going to kill me.

can you imagine

a blind guy walking around

with a fake dick in his hand

a dude who

mate mate mate

mate mate mate mate

I'm gonna call him back

he got rung around

with a rubber penis

will they really arrest you

in Australia for that

indecency

what's the crime

I'll set the police kangaroos on you

so really I can get arrested

for walking around

with a rubber penis

it's funny

I feel bad for people

who work in adult shops

because they must get

pranked so much

all the time

oh boy

brand frog makes a very good point actually the uk police walk around with uh black wooden ones

in their hands all day yeah the bobbies yeah toll chocks moving right along another number

in australia here this is jester's meat pies hello yes um what internal temperature or do

the meat pies get up to hello yes what's the internal what internal temperature do your meat

pies get up to yes what internal temperature do your meat pies good into

all right what internal temperature does your meat pies get in up into in the

oven yeah yeah it's 180 degrees and is that

Fahrenheit Fahrenheit or Celsius 180 degrees and you you have to defrost the

first fully defrost and then um shaking oven 180 degrees 15 to 20 minutes but is that celsius or

fahrenheit sorry celsius celsius 180 yep now if i understand 37 degrees that's the body temperature

right yep all right can you can i get it at 37 degrees instead then uh i want the meat pie to

be internal temperature 37 degrees uh your internal temperature 37 degrees yeah so the

The meat inside the pie.

Probably looking at, or still 180 degrees.

You probably, 10 minutes if you want to cook it.

All right.

Then I can take it out and put a hole in it, right?

Sorry?

Take it out and put a hole in it.

Yeah.

Then I put my dick in the meat pie.

Sorry?

Then I put my dong in the meat pie.

Then it's like it's a girl.

Sorry?

Yeah.

Uh, if you put your penis inside the meat pie at 37 degrees, it's like it's a girl.

Like a real girl.

Yes, hello?

Hello?

Want to make an order?

Not as funny as I thought it was going to be.

You'll be the message bank of...

I guess that sounded like the voice I was making there.

That voicemail.

Anyway.

Yeah, kokanee, 180 degrees Celsius is like fucking the surface of fucking mercury or something.

I don't know if it's that bad, but God, that's fucking hot.

I guess not.

That's like 360 Fahrenheit.

That's not bad.

who's saying that that's like the oven

he said they put it in the oven for like

20 minutes or whatever

yeah I cook at 360 and shit

usually that's about the right temperature

for a nice London broil 360

if you don't want it to take too long

you know if you don't want to crock pot

crock pot cook you know stuff

anyway Dirty Aaron's here

UK Ted I'm presuming is here

Milkman are you here? Milkman

Milkman I command you

Homeworld Panther was just sitting there I disconnected him

well he kept writing in the skype chat just remember what his deal is what was your writing

i couldn't see the chat what's he said just said red sloth here red sloth here he did it like 10

times all right good we got your red sloth the weirdo you weirdo we did your number but it

didn't really work out sorry it was expensive oh boy getting tired finally i got some numbers that

hit seemed like i couldn't get any good ones yeah milkman's picking away over there all right we

We've got the Wales Day Centre Proctology Clinic in Sydney, Australia.

Okay, let's go over.

Dr. Hall, those rooms can help you.

Yes, this is Proctology.

This is Dr. George, all those rooms.

He does do, he's a surgeon, but yes, he does do that area, look into that area.

What can I help you with?

Well, I have a glass eye, and I swallowed it, so I think you know where I'm going with this.

Sorry?

I have a glass eye that I swallowed, so no.

Oh, you might be right off at the hospital.

This is just a doctor's room.

She's not actually here this afternoon.

I went to the hospital.

I don't have insurance, and I went to the hospital.

They told me that it's going to pass through.

Well, doctor's not here this afternoon,

so he wouldn't be able to do anything about it, at least till Monday,

or you couldn't even speak to him till Monday.

Do you look at the ass?

Yes, we do.

Well, that's maybe you, then.

Sorry?

I just need someone to take a look back there,

see if you see my eye looking back at you.

Oh, very funny.

Well, I'm being serious.

I'll have to speak to the doctor on Monday.

Sorry?

I just want you to look at my ass, and it'll look back at you.

Okay.

And I'm going to fart.

Just take another call.

Just a moment.

Wait a minute.

No, no, wait, wait.

Great song.

Never have I farted.

A TARDIS?

What's a TARDIS?

Can you hold the line, please?

You there?

Yes.

Can I help you?

Yes, I am the anal eye.

You were going to make an appointment to see me?

Okay.

Very funny.

I'm going to give you a wink.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to hit it when he's...

Since I'm going to call Australia and the Pacific,

I think you get a little echo after the call ends.

I hate that.

I wanted to play audio here, but I can't find the video now.

During the KDK show, I found a video where Prankmaster was at some YouTube video maker convention.

And I guess a video blog group was going around interviewing people at the convention.

And they caught up with him.

And they started talking to him.

And they noticed he has this funny voice.

you know and they started making fun of him and it was hilarious because he can't talk uh but i

have no idea what youtube link it was for the life of me i don't know my mom's calling

i found it the conventioneers are the name of them and uh they make fun of prank master here

in this video let's listen to this major chaos prank master what everyone to call him it was

a t-mobile advertisement first playing gotta win on that five seconds left after this some calls

to the UK. I'm going to be wrapping it up.

AMD sent in his famous

script for us to call

also. That'll be fun.

Milkman, are you there? I want you to hear this. I want to get your

comments. Are you there, sir? Yes, I am.

This is the reinvented...

Guys, this is the reinvented

Pragmaster, a.k.a. Major Chaos, at

a YouTube convention. Boobs?

No. Oh, that figures.

And Ashley Madison.

No use for that until you get

a girlfriend, but I don't see that

Interesting products out there, stuff that people have never seen, like the beard head.

This is a beard head.

It's two separate pieces.

And then this I make.

Nothing ever compared to this.

Nobody's seen it, and everybody loves it here.

So, what does Ridley Scott think about this?

Who? Ridley Scott?

There's a little movie called Alien, and his thing jumped out of the chest.

You seriously didn't know that? I just thought you were being smart with me.

You had no idea who Ridley Scott was.

Oh, shit.

You know that copyrights do exist on the internet?

A little bit.

There was a little bit of a copyright, but this is not a copyright because this has nothing to do with Alien.

What is this, then?

It's supposed to be a worm.

A what?

A worm.

A worm?

Mm-hmm.

A worm.

Worm.

No.

Now, what made you want to come up with this?

The fact that I'm not going to have something interesting that definitely pop out at people,

and people would say, whoa, that's really cool.

And this...

Cool.

No, cool.

What are you, my speech teacher?

I'm trying to help you.

Hi, my name is Adam.

I am wearing the beard head, and it impairs my speech.

Hi, my name is Adam, and I'm wearing the beard head, and it impairs my speech.

Beard-a.

Beard-a head.

Try it again.

Beard-a.

Beard-a head.

When we return on the conventioneer.

Anyway, so that's Major Chaos Prankmaster there.

The funny thing is, I think that guy thought it was the beard that was messing with his voice.

Later, as you know, we all know, that is indeed the way he talks.

There we go.

Any thoughts on that, Milkman?

You used to be friends with Prankmaster, right?

Remember him?

Good friend of yours back in the day?

No.

I don't remember any of that.

You don't remember any of that sort of thing.

Yeah, there we go.

He's a dick.

He's a real fucking asshole.

That popped up something called Prankmaster Fights with Carlito.

I don't know that I remember this.

What's this?

Hang on.

The famous gangbang call?

No, this is different.

What a big move-out.

No, this is Prankmaster Fights the Carlito.

What is this?

Gay?

You have nothing better to do?

What?

Are you gay?

Hello?

Oh.

You have nothing better to do?

You know, the person who's accusing me of being gay,

who sounds like he has a penis in his mouth 24-7,

has a lot to say for himself.

Yeah, that's why you stay on the shitty channel.

Oh, that's not nice to say, man.

You're hurting my feelings.

Oh, yeah, okay, sure.

I can't just fucking call my house.

You're still deaf, okay?

You're still deaf. You're still not funny.

You're a loser. You're still a pedophile.

And your mother picks firms and has a mustache.

So what do you have to say about that?

Exactly.

Kid, kid.

Go ahead and enjoy that pussy, okay?

Stop it and go to bed.

Alright.

You keep doing that because you know what?

You're not a talented, low-life fuck.

You're a talented syndicate.

You know that?

Lego, Zoolog, maybe even...

Zoolog.

I don't know yet.

They're moving on to bigger and better things.

You?

Sturdy, low-life fucking little chow.

You only get fucking people.

Depending on where you are.

How many listeners do you have?

You have 480 listeners right now?

Sitting in a U?

Big blue wow.

Anyway, that's Prankmaster.

what was he even upset about I don't know

I guess I called his house or something

it's funny he got upset at me

for calling his house I guess when I was doing a show

or something but he would call my house

like at 3 in the morning 4 in the morning

like fucking night after night after night

pissing me off oh my god

I get the feeling that he does not

like you very much he's okay with

me now but he's a weird

dude what can you do well

everybody follow Major Chaos on YouTube

Chaos with a Z

and then uh nunu was reminding me over the weekend uh when i found that video how i guess uh major

chaos did a show fucking major cat prank master did a show once and nunu kept sending him numbers

for people named mr marbles and he kept saying marble mr marble uh and t-mobile stores would be

like t-mobile oh that nunu okay moving right along let's call the uh yeah see and then lonesome sent

at the numbers for like the blue coyote grill that i didn't get to here but it's getting late

let me call the uk first and if i got any time left then we'll call those restaurants starting

off robert baker south end on c anybody want to do a uk call other than me i haven't let anybody

else do a call tonight yet i don't think i think i'll let uk ted try to do one before uk ted are

you there uh cool are you okay i'll jump in i think you passed out all right well you do it

than Dirty Aaron.

No, I'm here.

Nope, too late.

Too late.

UK Ted got killed

by a hooker

at his hotel.

I just can't rely

on my computer

at the moment.

Oh, you shit.

You shit for brains.

Alright, Aaron's

gonna do this one.

Go for it.

What's the name?

Ah, shit.

Mr. Baker.

Yes, Baker.

Mr. Baker.

Baker.

What was the first name?

Pronounce it correctly.

It's Baker.

Robert.

Baker.

Robert.

Robert Baker.

I don't know how to say Robert.

I don't know.

I don't have a British accent.

Okay?

I can't imitate it.

Robert Baker.

7-1-3-5.

Yes, hello, Mr. Baker?

Sorry?

Is this Mr. Baker?

You've got the wrong number.

Try it.

You've got 467135.

Second time I've got this call.

Check your number.

You've got the digits wrong at the end, I think you'll find it.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry.

What was your name?

Name?

Yes, your name.

Why would you want my name?

Well, my name is Brent Westwood.

Why are you finding me at 5 o'clock in the morning?

It's 5 o'clock in the morning.

It's 9 o'clock where I am.

Well, that's great for you, 9 o'clock in the morning.

It's 5.45 British time, and I don't know what the hell you're phoning me for and waking me up.

This is the second time I've got the call.

Do not phone me again.

Well, isn't it tea time over there or something like that?

Don't you have some crumpets to eat?

He's in a business, though.

What's his deal?

He was awake.

Yeah, he was awake.

He answered like a business.

So, hang on.

Let me ask him for a Robert Baker announcement.

Go ahead.

My turn.

He specifically asked you to call him back.

That's right.

Yes.

Yes?

What do you want?

I was calling for Mr. Robert Baker.

I'm calling with his wake-up call.

A wake-up?

Yes, for Robert Baker.

Well, completely wrong.

I don't want a wake-up.

Hang on a moment.

Look, 545 in the UK here.

Yes, yes.

Where are you phoning from?

I'm calling from the National Telephone,

International Business Telephone Machines.

This is your 545 a.m. wake-up call.

I've got a...

Well, I did not...

Shut up.

This is 467135.

Yes.

All right, so this is your wake-up call.

Please confirm you're awake.

Well, I think that's pretty obvious.

So obviously we can class this as a nuisance call

because this is an awake-up call.

I'm now disconnecting the phone.

No, do not.

You will not be able to phone me again.

If you disconnect too early, the computer is going to call you back.

It will be another attendant.

Well, I think you've got a problem.

If you don't confirm the code that you're awake,

the computer will call you back

and you'll probably get another random attendant from the call center.

Well, yes, it's pretty obvious I'm awake, isn't it?

So, yes, I'm awake.

I don't understand your accent.

Are you British? Is that what the problem is?

Can you provide your confirmation code, please?

I can't give you a confirmation code because let me try this again,

and I'll say it very slowly for you, right?

I have not requested a wake-up call.

You get that bit?

I did not request a wake-up call.

I don't want a wake-up call because I want to be asleep.

Can you say it a little slower?

or I just don't...

Sorry?

A little slower.

You're speaking...

You have an accent.

I don't understand.

Are you Mexican or something?

I think...

Are you familiar with the expression

prat idiot?

Because I don't know what to.

Do you know what a horse is?

I think you're an idiot.

I think you're a horse.

I'm disconnecting the phone.

I was going to say

you should have got

your international representative online

and I could have translated it for you.

You call back as a complaint.

He's getting busy.

Don't let me put a call.

As the manager.

You gotta get the right number for

Baker. Get the

number. Well, he said what it was, but

it's the same number. He said, I'm afraid you want

467135. It's like, that's

the fucking number you're calling.

Hello? That's what it says here. He left

it off the hook. Ah, shit.

He did something to the phone.

Oh, Milkman's right. Those

British always with the fucking time.

I was a concern. He didn't give him his code.

Maybe that's why they got Big Ben.

Yeah, folk. Oh. Alright, we got

got roberts bonora what kind of name is that all right sounds like he knows about matter chug

sounds italian actually yeah sure you want it go roberto bonora hello good morning mr roberto

this is uk ted with international wake-up machines just calling to wake you up this morning are you

fed or what you know what the time is yes sir it's 5 50 10 to 6 in the morning on friday uh which

which is calling to wake you up.

Go on, fuck yourself.

You need to see it.

He was rude to me.

He sounded a little Italian.

Same one.

Yes, let me do it.

Hang on.

He's very sassy.

Hello?

Roberto, listen.

I'm the manager,

and you're rude to my associate.

I was going to be, like, defending you.

Like, how dare you talk to me?

Talk to my employee like that.

We're providing a service.

We're not paid enough to get abuse.

So the first guy again.

No, I'm doing all right.

Call him a bunch of...

he was like yeah i'll be in a bunch of her our model carlito order for her he's good

all right so instead we got robert gamer g-a-y-m-e-r hello let's do it i'll start this

one off robert gamer good morning i'm with international business telephone wake-up machines

this is your 5 52 a.m wake-up call are you awake i didn't ask for a 5 52 wake-up call thank you

You paid for it, sir, with your telephone.

No.

You're signed up for one of these every 30 minutes until you get out of bed.

No, not me. You've got the wrong number.

Well, the computer's going to keep calling you unless you give the cancellation code.

Well, I'm canceling it now.

Well, what's the code?

I don't know.

Well, it's not going to cancel. It's going to call you right back.

Well, I've answered the phone now, so...

Well, if you don't, then it's going to keep calling you again.

I don't understand. I'm sorry.

Are you saying you want to cancel this?

Yes.

Uh, I'll have to put you through to my supervisor, UK Ted.

UK Ted, go ahead.

Hello?

You awake?

Yes.

Good.

There you go.

That's all.

You can hang up now.

Thank you.

Are you busy, UK Ted?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, buddy.

Thought you were a member of the show.

I guess not.

I'll never include him again.

All right, Harold Kelsey, then, instead.

I'm sorry I'm at work.

I know.

I'm kidding.

This will be me and Aaron, then, since, uh, UK Ted has to work.

Bring him on.

All right.

You start this one up.

Wake him up, Aaron.

sorry i had a chef in my name harold kelsey hello yes good morning is harold there it's all about

this time of the morning yes this is brent westwood calling from international business

machines in the united states calling for a 545 gmt wake-up call we didn't ask for that

well it comes it comes with your phone with your phone service you signed up for it

Good morning sir, this is Brent Westwood

calling from the United States

International Wake Up Business Machines

We're calling because you reserved your space

your spaces

I don't think so

I do think so sir, are you awake?

Of course I'm awake

Okay, what I need you to do is enter in the confirmation code

Do you have it there next to the telephone?

No, I don't

You don't?

No, I don't

Can I call in again?

Yes, call in again

Are you done working?

Good morning, so this is UK Ted with International Business Machines

I understand you just received a wake-up call

Hello

Gone, try it again

Please leave this phone alone, I have a 12-year-old son trying to sleep here

Good morning, this is UK Ted from International Business Machines

We're just calling to make sure you're awake and tell you to leave that 12-year-old alone

Very inappropriate, especially at this time in the morning

Look, I don't know nothing about it, I've got no idea what you're talking about

out we have never ever signed up for anything like that believe me we have this is a free

service we're just this is a free trial of our wake-up call service we are offering it to everyone

in the uk this morning but we don't want it we don't want it we are a pensioners and we do not

need to get up early in the mornings we do not want anything like this okay well um obviously

this is a bad bad day for your 5am wake-up call but it's a bad day at any time we do not want

We'll try again tomorrow, shall we?

No, you won't try tomorrow.

How about the day after tomorrow?

No, we don't want it.

We are pensioners, and we don't need to get that early.

We provide this free of charge to everyone.

I don't care whether it's free or charged.

We do not want it.

Yes, hello, ma'am.

This is the supervisor.

I will put the police entry if you do this again to us.

Ma'am, excuse me.

Good evening, Mrs. Kelsey.

It's Chris calling from Falcon Leisure on behalf of Shakespeare Holidays.

they've passed your name to us because

they would like to offer you a sample

one of their promotional holidays

we do not need thank you

I'll give you the details shortly but first

could I confirm that we have the right Mr. and Mrs. Kelsey

well I'm sorry you had

the wrong ones because we do not

need that

we have some double glazing

oh

first you said she had a 12 year old son

who was asleep and then she was a pensioner

yeah

I don't get it either.

It's someone else's 12-year-old son.

You've got to call back and get him out of there.

Let's call again.

I think that's more than three calls and you're harassed.

I have no part in this.

I'll do this one.

Excuse me.

It says here that you're married and living together as a couple.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Kelsey?

Mrs. Kelsey?

Will you please wait and leave us alone?

Well, you're both age 25 to 65 and the owner of a horse.

We are.

Between you both, you enjoy the national average income of above currently around 20,000 pounds.

We do not.

And I don't dare find this again.

That's great.

The holiday you're being offered as a sample consists of reading AMD's telemarketer script.

This is awesome.

I caught that.

I had to mute myself.

I started laughing so fucking hard.

I just looked.

That's great.

Thank you, Greg.

Like, I don't give a shit what you're saying.

I'm going to keep talking.

I'm not listening.

I got paid to read the script.

Oh, boy.

Good times.

All right, we're supposed to do something about snow per Noonoo here,

as he's the boss.

Oh, that's right.

It's snowed.

I saw pictures.

Oh, my God.

Harold Turner.

Ask him about the snow.

About the snow.

We have pension, huh?

We're calling Harold Turner?

Yes.

Let me start this one.

This is Harold and Mrs. Harold Turner.

Sorry?

This is Harold Turner and Mrs. Turner's wife.

That I'm speaking with?

You've got the wrong number.

I'm calling from the local council, and I understand that you have snow.

You've got what?

You have snow there.

Don't you think it's a bit early to ring people in the morning?

Well, I'm calling from the National Snow Council Administration.

Sorry?

I'm calling from the National Snow Council Administration.

Why are you ringing me?

Who are you ringing?

Who's the name that you're ringing?

Let's see here.

I believe I said Turner, Harold Turner?

Yes.

Okay, so then you have snow in front of your house, according to the computer, right?

There's snow.

And I got what? Show me.

Well, somebody built a giant penis out of the snow in front of your house.

We have a complaint.

They made a penis snowman.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, we need you to go outside, and we need to take care of that immediately.

It's a giant effigy of a penis outside.

What is it about? Can you tell me?

Outside, in front of your house, there's a penis.

Someone made a penis with the snow.

like a snowman but they made a big penis

and apparently there were

these people that were dancing around it

like they were doing a pagan satan dance

oh good god

they were and it made a lot of noise

and now the police are being called

hello, hello the long hangups

she's gone out to find the snow phallus

got real excited

she's gonna jump on it

how dare you

make a giant penis out of snow

in front of your house, you're disgusting

I don't know what you're talking about

There's a giant penis outside of your door, of your house.

Oh, get out of here.

It is.

It's made out of snow.

I'm going to get out of the place.

Is that okay?

Listen, is it because you need a man?

I'm getting out of the place right this minute.

Are you that dirty?

Please stop ringing me at this unearthed hour of the morning.

You're that dirty and horny that you need to make a penis out of snow to get...

Oh, don't tell them.

Horny.

Are you?

Tell me.

Hello, sir?

He is.

She is, brother.

That's someone else who thinks you're inside their phone.

I guess so.

We'll call the Harold Kelsey back now, just because they're fun.

Is this the 80-year-old people?

We have the 80-year-old bed-sitters.

Let me take this.

Okay.

Yes, hello, man.

This is Brent Westwood calling from International Business Machines.

I've spoken with my supervisor, and he said that if you'd like to have the service stop,

you just need to dial into your phone.

Are you ready for that?

We're not.

We don't want it.

How many more times?

Okay, so what you're going to need to do is...

We do not want it.

I was going to get her to dial into the phone.

Hang on.

Let me try.

darn what were you trying to get her to do i was trying to get her to just dial into the phone like

press some buttons on the phone give her the code and then she'd just enter in the phone go well

moving right along let's see what else we got huh we got two uk numbers off george burton and george

cox nice george burton first then the line it's one o'clock guys i gotta go can you connect them

at the same time both of them sure we'll do that so i can get out of here both of these at the

the same time last call of the night then here we are i regret saying that no i gotta go great

i gotta go i ruined it and i would have just left then all right is that what you wanted

then i just would have left so what was it gonna be let's go cox cox first you got the other one

hello yes hello good morning good morning this is mr cox this is brent westwood calling from

international this is your 545 wake up call no i think you got the wrong number why are you

you breathing so hard into the phone? Did you have to run

to get to the phone? Pardon? Good morning.

This is Brent Westwood, calling

from the United States. Are you there?

I think you have the wrong number.

Well, who am I speaking with?

This is

474-987.

I know the number because I just

called it.

Who's speaking to me?

Who wants to speak to me?

Let me get my translator

on the line. Hold on, my international

translator, are you there? Yes. Good morning.

I'm here.

Yes, hello.

I'm having trouble speaking with this woman.

Can you please translate with her?

I'm trying to...

It's her wake-up call.

Okay, this is translator number seven.

Go ahead.

Hello?

She says hello.

Yes, hello, ma'am.

This is your wake-up call.

I haven't put in for a wake-up call.

This is the second call I've had this morning.

The first one was at five o'clock, and now it's...

What is it, six o'clock?

Okay, she said...

I think you'd know the list.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, that was it.

She said she ordered the wake-up call for five o'clock, but it's six o'clock.

now so you're an hour late no no i no no this i have not ordered any call at all my sorry my

mistake okay now ma'am okay this is brent westwood calling are you still there please don't hang up

brilliant ted correct me up ted that was awesome just like it no no all right wrapping it up here

then thank you dirty aaron and uk ted you gentlemen have a great night thank you good night all right

Bye guys

Milkman

It's time to go

Hello George

George

He was still there

Alright Milkman

You ready to get out of here

Say goodbye to our friends and people

Okay alright man

What a really excellent show man

Lots of activity lots of clients

It was rather impressive

Good pranks

Definitely like to thank you man

and everybody out there for joining us.

All our friends there in the chat.

Our friends over at Cactus Radio.

And Stephanie, I'd like to thank the number.

I'd like to thank Nunu, the wanker,

from Wankershire, England, our good buddy.

And I'd like to thank you, especially you, our listener.

That's right, we do it every week.

We drop the dime, all we ask is you give it time.

You can send, or better yet, send an enemy, man.

They're always welcome here.

Thanks so much.

my big brother there would be a million less smiles in this world and many ear goggles just

aching for something great so much my friend thank you all right well thank you uh milkman

thank you to you sir thanks to everyone who joined in tonight of course all the numbers i came in

from all over the world accusing mr lonesome loser primarily nunu for his snow ideas uh you

You know, Kokanee, thanks for your help with the spam.

RBCP, same, likewise.

Kokanee!

Dirty Aaron, Ken, RBCP,

I mean, fuck, UK Ted,

that's what I meant to say.

I've got a bunch of prank requests, right?

I think a lot of them that I didn't get to.

More than likely.

Actually, there were a lot that I didn't get to. Holy shit.

But, you know, they're saved.

They're in there. Send them again next week.

Remind me.

When you send prank requests, you get a prank ticket number.

All you've got to do is give me

the prank ticket number next week and i'll find it real quick hang on to your emails there

confirmation if you put in a valid email address in your prank request you get a confirmation number

back nice little feature that nobody really knows about uh yeah i know i'm forgetting people uh

sent in numbers thank you there you go all right well thanks everyone for listening we'll be back

next week this has been man house radio for february the 9th and we'll be back next week

week the 16th happy valentine's day to all the ladies milkman get yourself something special

for yourself get yourself some chocolate all right man you deserve it all right i'll give

you a call tomorrow milkman all right i'm going to sleep now but i gotta talk to you

talk to you tomorrow see you man all right you good name anytime brother

yeah man bye everybody

Calls (28, 1 h 34 min of 2 h 54 min)

Transcript

Comments 0