Polish Knock-Knock Jokes

This is a mental retarded house.

I'm going to put my dick in your ass, and then I'm going to put it in your mouth.

I want to know why you're calling me at 10 o'clock at night and harassing me and asking me to apologize to you.

No.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Knock, knock.

Me?

Knock, knock.

For the poll action.

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to Madhouse Radio Podcast.

The motherfucker.

Hey.

Hi.

Good evening.

I'm Carlito.

Madhouse Radio.

This is us, what we do, on the internet television, internet radio, internet books, internet media.

Thank you.

Here for the night with me tonight, Milkman.

Milkman.

Hey, shut the fuck up.

All right, thank you.

Sorry, Milkman.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I got good news.

We're doing a show.

Lucky you guys.

Right on.

Yeah.

This is Captain of the French Fries.

Oh, God.

I spent the last five days listening to that prank call.

I don't know why.

Those prank calls.

Stop listening to them.

You remember that, right?

Milton, you were there for that.

Which one is it?

I missed it.

When we called Red Robin,

Jack Masterson got mad.

Oh, yeah.

Because he couldn't get the french fries.

The french fries.

The lady was laughing all of a sudden.

Yeah, that manager was not too sweet.

She was laughing,

and then she's like,

it's not fun anymore.

She hung up and called back

and you could hear her laughing in the background.

Yeah.

Whatever.

I'm out the door and giving you, you know.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm kidding.

Alright, well, yeah, that's last week's show.

I just missed the door thing, man.

And the Walmart, the manager.

You said it was some African manager, right?

It's like Dikembe Mutombo or something?

Dikembe Mutombo.

Oh, boy.

Folks, we're going to have a good night tonight, I hope.

About two and a half hours of prank calls.

Up until one o'clock in the morning Eastern Standard Time.

That's about 10 p.m. Pacific-mic.

Pacific-mic.

uh what have we got here for you i'm carlito's the host but you should be visiting madhouse

live.com the website where we do things prank cast is there subscribe to that forums are there

also hopefully spam free now and i'll keep talking about that but before the show i installed some

once again i installed some new spam where the spam was full polish and turkish spammers today

man i don't know what was going on with the forums what's a turk wow uh cocaine block like

country code on your

forums? I don't know how that works, but I know

some of the spam posts I've seen,

you can actually block like that.

It's not that. It's the IP addresses.

I think I could

look for a list of IP block

ranges in certain

countries, but it seems like a lot of work.

Wow.

I don't know if I'm going to go about doing that.

You better have a spam, dude.

Don't make your forums unusable.

I'm confused. What happened with...

I opted RBCP

and talking to people, and now they're not

off. What happened?

I had sent ops to talk and

RBCP and stuff, and now they're not

off anymore. What happened? What did I do wrong?

Is someone un-opped them?

Maybe it was UK Ted.

Maybe we need to take UK Ted's ops out of the chat room.

Alright, well, UK Ted

has always been my role

for many years.

Trust me on this, man.

You're one to talk. You're not even in the chat room

anymore, so whatever.

Well, hey, if I got to come back in the chain, swing in the chain, I will.

But I think these boys need that.

I figure they're a little, by now, you know, more respectful.

And if they do enjoy the changes, so I think everything gets straightened out.

If it doesn't, then I'll have to apologize.

Hey, everybody, Car Wash just checked into the chat room.

My good friend Car Wash.

Car Wash.

Yeah.

Car Wash.

I don't know who the fuck Car Wash is.

I just thought it was a cool name.

Welcome, Car Wash.

Patty Richards, bro, right there, man.

Car Wash.

Okay.

Yeah.

If you want to reach me on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger,

Madhouse Radio on AOL, Yahoo Instant Messenger,

MSN Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter,

Madhouse on Twitter, Facebook, Madhouse Live.

Milkman is here.

We will do pranks.

Yeah.

All right.

There was some shitty version.

There was a remake of Car Wash in 2002 with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg or something.

It really sucked.

It was called The Wash.

The Wash.

How could they do it without the Danny Rich?

You played Danny Rich in that.

I don't know.

I remember seeing...

I don't remember Richard Pryor, but I remember seeing Car Wash when I was a kid, the first one.

I remember the song.

Yeah, he dies up in the three gold...

The gold caddy man.

He pops something out, you know, the real big shit.

And everybody's like, Danny Rich, yeah, baby!

Whatever.

Alright, that sounds good

Yeah, there's no car wash in the gym

Well, let's see if we got any

Let me check

You can never say that

I can never admit that I got into Red Fox

I really knew much about him

I'll have to check that out one day

Yeah, dude, you ought to hear him when he starts cussing, man

That's what's hilarious, man

He gets raw

Does he?

Yeah, man

That's like

You're flipping out

You've heard of him

You're like, damn, that is Stanford

That's Red Fox

It's like, yeah, the real Red Fox

Cussing and coming off

All right, look, we got a prank call request here.

Request a prank coming in early enough.

Nice.

Making an effort this week.

I wrote it down on the big board on my sticky note.

I want to try to get to these early in the show instead of bullshitting like we normally do.

So Dirty Aaron sent in a number for Craig's ad for an iPhone 4S.

I have a new black AT&T iPhone 4S, 16 gig, comes with wall and USB charger.

All right, good.

What else do you need?

I misplaced the box, but I have everything else.

Please call or text.

Okay, we can do that.

All right, first call of the night.

Let me call this one through Google Voice so there's a caller ID they see.

Hopefully the phone machine is working right here tonight.

Hello?

Hey, brother, I was seeing you have an iPhone for sale.

Yes, sir.

That's good.

What details can you tell me about it?

Is it a 16 gig?

How many gigs available does it have right now?

Oh, it's 16.

I have 16.

It's a 16 gig?

It's black?

Is it in good shape?

Does it have any scratches, any grease marks?

Yeah, because it's been in the cage since I bought it.

I actually bought it like three months ago, but I really can't take it,

so I'm trying to go back to T-Mobile with a family line.

Oh, yeah.

T-Mobile's got cheap family lines, man.

Yeah, because they just got us $50 unlimited everything, so I want to...

Pay as you go.

$50 pay as you go.

Yeah, basically, yeah, pay as you go, but it's $50.

Everything's unlimited, which is cool.

I got a sale this weekend.

President's Day sale this weekend.

T-Mobile, I don't know if you knew about that.

Man, you should take advantage of that.

Totally, because it's...

Let me tell you here.

Are you working for T-Mobile or something?

No, no, I just know.

T-Mobile, they rank last

on wireless purchase experience.

That's what the survey said, J.D. Power survey.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.

That's how I'm going to come back to it.

See, while T-Mobile can take pride in achieving

the top spot in the J.D. Power wireless

Wireless Purchase Experience Survey, 11 out of the last 15 times.

A fourth place finish this time around is clearly disappointing after the JD Power press release went on.

T-Mobile released their own brief statement touching on their efforts to improve the wireless purchasing experience.

I don't know if you knew about that.

No, I didn't know.

Yeah, they have a lot of trouble with customer service, man.

So how many gigs are available out of the 16 right now?

What have you used up?

Oh, okay.

Let me see.

I actually have the phone with me now.

All right.

Because if you use one gig out of that, then it would only be 15 gigs like a hell.

Do you live by a military base or something?

What?

Do you live by, like, a military base?

I heard a plane going by or something.

No, I'm actually at my restaurant.

Oh, all right.

Did you check the gigs yet?

Oh, it says available at 13.3.

So you're using 700 megs of it right now.

You got any pictures on there right now?

Yeah.

Okay, that's cool.

Are they good pictures?

I can delete it off

I'm going to delete all my contacts

You can keep that on there

If you want

I don't want to make you go in

I can take care of that

You can keep it on there if you want

I'll take care of all that

How much were you wanting to sell the iPhone for?

I'm asking $425

$425

What about $400 if I clear it out

If I take care of clearing it out for you

Would that be alright?

I'm just going to reset it

I don't believe

You don't have to

I mean you can

It's cool

Can I see it before you reset it though?

Can I see the pictures and all that stuff, make sure it's working?

Yeah, because I also had a – well, you can see it.

All right.

Somebody offered me this, so they'll buy it.

Okay.

According – T-Mobile is working on a new smartphone called the Prism.

The recent domain registrations are to be believed.

The new device part of this is truly speculation.

However, T-Mobile Council registered the domain names

through Mark Monitor and Internet Brand Protection Company.

On November 21st.

Did you know that?

Are you sure you don't work for T-Mobile?

No, I don't.

No.

But I don't know.

Did you know that?

That T-Mobile, they originally filed for the prison trademark back in 2009,

and they've since gone through three extensions on the domain name.

Originally, when the name prison first surfaced,

it was suggested as a possible name for what eventually became the T-Mobile MyTouch 3G.

No, I didn't know that.

I didn't know all this stuff.

Were you thinking about getting the MyTouch 4G?

or I don't know what exactly.

They don't even sell.

It's the end of life now.

They don't sell that anymore.

No, actually, I have a BlackBerry.

Uh-huh.

So I'm going to use the BlackBerry.

You have the BlackBerry Bold?

What do you have?

Yeah.

That's a good one, yeah.

The goods and services filing list, the Prism,

is a new phone that's coming out in about a month.

Maybe you should hold off on that.

It's a wireless handheld telecommunications device,

namely that combines wireless voice and data services,

digital imaging and computing functions yeah it's pretty good it's called the

prism the t-mobile prison no no definitely not I mean you said this

weekend you might be going to do the sale right so yeah so what part of town

are you in I'm in North Portland all right and when when did you want to get

rid of the phone I'm presuming you need to sell the phone before you go to

t-mobile right because you need the money for it to get the oh no actually I

I have millions of times to sell a phone.

I don't need it anymore.

But when you come to activate it, which store are you going to go to?

Activate T-Mobile?

Yeah.

Probably going to go to the lotion store.

Well, yeah, if you ask my name, my name is Willie.

If you want, I can help you out.

When you go, I'll buy the iPhone from you.

I'll give you the $425, and then I'll activate the phone, your new plan.

Wait.

Hey, what?

Wait, you can activate the iPhone?

and activate the iPhone for you.

Yeah, I have a plan.

So I don't need to sell it then?

No, I can put a new SIM card in it for you and everything.

Oh, like to activate a new line?

Sure.

Oh, okay.

That's interesting.

I thought you said you don't work for T-Mobile.

Well, I'll buy the phone.

I'm going to activate it for myself,

and then I'll activate your BlackBerry on the side.

Wait, you can use iPhone 4s on T-Mobile?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you don't get 4G.

You only get up to 3G on it.

That's cool.

True. I never knew that. That's what I'm trying to get rid of.

If I knew that, I'm not going to sell it.

Yeah, the only thing, it's another bit of disappointing news out of J.D. Powers

is T-Mobile has gone from first to last in the overall purchase experience index rating.

They made a survey and evaluated three channels of contact with the wireless carrier,

phone calls with sales reps, visits to retail wireless stores, and the web.

Overall, customer satisfaction with both full-service and non-contract branded carriers

is based on six factors in order of importance store sales representatives websites phone sales

representatives store facility offerings and promotions and cost of service and back in

february 17th of this year almost one year ago to the date that t-mobile continued to streak of

highest overall ranking in jd power and associates no reasoning was provided as to why t-mobile had

a dramatic change from last year they went all the way from first to fourth out of the big carriers

for customer service ratings.

I mean, I'm sure they all suck,

but, you know, as long as I get the plans I'm looking for.

Right.

And then what they've done here is now we've installed a colored button

so that when a colored person comes into the store,

they hit the button, and it's a special alarm that goes off,

and then we watch people who are not white,

ethnics, Hispanics, blacks,

and that way our white customers like you

can feel more comfortable inside the store

because the alarm goes off when an

associate sees a colored person

not like us who comes into the store

they hit the alarm and it doesn't

sound loud, it's like a silent alarm

but then we watch

the colored person extra

to make sure they don't

try to steal someone's phone

or a purse or try to hit somebody

whoa, that's long

we've been, yeah, the

associates, we took the

recommendation from a lot of our white customers

for about two years and after a few surveys and we've finally been you know pushing this out in

california and portland and oregon and washington state as a trial basis the colored button and i

don't know if you've heard about this it's you know it's been in the news uh but it hasn't really

made the rounds but we're pretty proud of this i don't know if you wanted to um you know come in

and test it out i'll probably keep the phone because i want to use it for t-mobile what so

So I'm probably going to keep the phone and use it for tomorrow.

Well, why don't you just come in, and I can help you out, though.

I mean, I'll take care of it because I'll get points, you know, on my annual review.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bring you over.

You work at the Law Center, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, totally come in.

My name is Willie.

And like I said, you're going to be safe.

Like I said, we've got that new alarm system.

So, you know, if you want to come in with your wife or girlfriend, I don't know.

Okay, yeah, I'll do that.

You don't have to worry about any blacks or Latinos approaching her or accosting her, you know,

or if you leave your phone around while you're walking through the store,

if you want to look at some accessories, we have 20% off.

You don't have to worry that any black people or, you know, Mexicans are going to take the phone or anything like that

because we watch them.

We do extra watching, extra scrutiny now.

And also we have always 24 hours a day, we have at least one person on staff who's trained in martial arts now also.

Oh, okay.

Well, Ken?

Can I push you down?

Yeah.

What was your name?

Rick.

All right.

Rick.

What time did you want to come in?

Maybe 1 or 2.

Okay.

All right, Rick.

Well, come down and see me.

I'll activate the iPhone for you.

I'll get 20 points on my annual review.

That would be great.

My annual review is up next weekend, so this would be perfect timing.

I'm trying to make up some points.

All right.

And like I said, our new motto, T-Mobile, you are safe.

You're safe with T-Mobile.

and that's does it's you're safe you have a good rate a good company a good plan and no blacks or

mexicans you know bothering you inside the store anymore all right okay thank you all right thank

you for choosing t-mobile thank you sir all right hey milkman you still there into it man he's into

the service upgrade man it's awesome first prank of the night is usually a throwaway and i was

throwaway and it was okay i don't know that was good actually man that was that was pretty good

good improv man thanks kept him on the wheels of turning man too bad he didn't become insulted but

the guy was down with it so you know hey man so we are doing a good thing here well he did say

no he's obviously ethnic but you know he was like oh you know what i mean he did make a comment at

first he's like oh yeah that's not cool what you said well it's really funny when you said

and trade with Mark

and he goes,

whoa.

I was like,

whoa.

He was like,

whoa.

That's not cool.

Hey,

that's not cool.

Oh my God.

T-Mobile gets

and a cup.

OBX says,

Carlito play

Milkman theme song.

We have a Milkman

theme song?

Oh,

that old Milkman

song by,

what was it?

Oh,

shit.

Kid Rock,

was it?

Kid Rock?

One of those songs,

man.

They sent that in.

I cannot remember.

I don't know

what the fuck

you're talking about.

I don't know

what the fuck

you're talking about.

Wow.

I wouldn't know what it is.

Instead, we'll play Unfunky UFO.

That was awesome.

Okay, that'll work for now, man.

But there is one.

Or Jimi Hendrix.

No, there was one.

I'll tell you what.

It was a cute one.

All right, let's see if we can get any more requests to Frank's here.

Nunu, you got any numbers, man?

I might dip into numbers from last week that I didn't get to.

Yeah, that's cool.

Because we had a whole bunch of them.

I wonder if we could call Frank since we're early, man.

We might be able to catch a few of them.

Yeah, it's still early enough.

I had a few people tell me during the week they wanted that.

I have a separate list on the show archives at Madhouse's website.

There's a few separate ones that are specifically for, you know, like good, you know, best of shows,

classic shows, I guess you want to call it, the best of the best.

So I put last week's show on that list because I had like two or three people say,

hey, that should be one of those.

I think Ken was one of them, if I'm not mistaken.

I could be wrong there.

I took the liberty of doing that.

I thought it was pretty good.

I might take it out eventually, but for the time being, it seems like it was a keeper.

All right, let's see here.

Dave Service Center, 24-hour towing, coming in from Big Dustin.

All right, let's give him a call.

Is this that service center, 24-hour towing?

Yeah.

That's good.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are the kids doing?

Must be getting pretty big by now, huh?

Hey, can you come pick up my car?

This is Cross.

Why don't you answer the phone just hi, like that.

How professional are you?

It's 24 hours.

Yeah.

So what's after hours?

is this 24 how many hours in a day uh 24 okay so when we'll be after the 25th hour i'm a little

confused i don't know what do you what do you what do you got going can i speak to dave dave what

and you drive a big truck okay yes we do do you have big chains on the truck i need you to come

come attach the chains to the truck my truck you're breaking up pretty bad can you i need

you to attach your chains to my truck yeah okay all right and we're going to take it let's see

here to my house and there we will park the truck my truck you're going to take your truck park my

truck there okay and uh there i gotta go inside i gotta get my do you have to pay right when you

deliver it or when you pick it up when you deliver all right so then i gotta go inside

and get my wallet because i don't have my wallet on me and then i'll need you to drive me in the

tow truck with my truck attached to the to the grocery store and from there then i can use the

atm i just want to make sure i mean what areas do you cover exactly before i get well where

you washburn i don't know if that's too far away yeah where are you based out of auburndale okay

auburndale it's not too far away i don't know how long you've been in the area do you know the area

well do you know where the high school is for 46 years all right so you know where the high school

is then in washington auburndale do i know where the height is yes all right so i'm in the parking

parking lot there in the auburndale high school and we're going to drop just need to drop my

girlfriend off at her house and then need you to drive my drive me then to my house to washburg

then we got to go inside and get my wallet and come back out and we're going to drive to the

grocery store and i'm going to use the atm there uh how much you think that'll that'll be washed

at about 900 you got nine hour trip there and back all right so how much is that you charge

150 bucks an hour i don't have the calculator on me how much will it be 1400

,400.

All right, so then we'll go to the grocery store,

or use the ATM there, and then the Walmart, if you could just drop,

I need to pick something up at the Walmart, too.

I'll tell you what, I'll dispatch someone.

You're sitting at Auburn High School right now?

Yeah, but you need to take me to, you know, you need to take me,

you've got to drop my girlfriend off, and then we need to go to my house,

get my, you know, my wallet, the ATM card, drive back.

Fine.

We've got to drive to the grocery store, then we need to go to,

so I can take the money out, then we're going to go to Walmart,

I've got to pick up some groceries, then I've got to go.

Okay, well, I'll just pass them out, and I'll send them out to, you're at the high school right now?

Yeah, but I'm not, I'm only paying for the trip, you know, I'm not paying for the extra miles, or the dead miles, or anything like that.

That's fine.

All right, so, as far as I'm concerned, about $500 should cover it, because you're saying it's...

Well, then you call my neighbor, and maybe he'll tow it for you.

You said it's nine and a half hours, you know, so that's about four and a half each way?

Fucking asshole.

That was a stupid prank.

Yet another stupid prank.

I'm calling back.

I gotta take a shit here pretty soon, I think.

One guy was pretty eager to do it for $9,000.

What was your neighbor's phone number?

1704.

All right, what's his name?

Draxler, Mike Draxler.

I thought that was your name.

My name is Dave.

That's my cousin.

So you're Dave, and his name is Michael?

Yep.

Do you recommend him at all?

Is he any good?

Yeah, he's got four trucks.

All right, and he's not going to charge me these extra miles then.

Your name is what, Dave?

I don't know his name.

Does he operate 24 hours or not?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Can you stay on the line so I can talk to him?

No, I don't want to stay on the line.

Well, why not?

What for?

Well, you told me you said you'd transfer me.

Hello?

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been connected or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this recording in error,

please check the area code and the number and try your call again.

We're sorry.

You have reached connected or is no longer in service.

You have reached Dave.

Yes.

Great.

Tristan is here.

Hi, Tristan.

What?

You're here.

bye hello how you doing there buddy you do tristan is here how you going i'm going good

how you going yeah i'm doing pretty well it's like two o'clock and i'm drunk 2 p.m in the

afternoon that is oh you're in australia yeah very nice i'm at work so so it's a hot over there

it's it's uh summertime over down there right yeah it's pretty warm but uh in melbourne so

you get a bit of rain and stuff it's good good well good on you buddy we're gonna call mcdonald's

now you want to do a prank call you just want to sit there and drink alcohol like a good time

yeah i'll listen okay good milkman's here too so i had a milkman i know he's a mulatto yeah he's a

mulatto bastard now you're you're the one that's been uh getting us the uh promos right yeah for

sure awesome good work uh milkman this gentleman here has been paying five bucks he got us remember

i told you the indian promo oh yeah yeah yeah he did that one then he got a black girl the funniest

The funniest one so far is the black girl, man.

Well, the Indian is the funniest one, but the black girl, who's at love at the end,

so she's going to take, she's going to leave because she has to take a shit in the toilet.

So where in Australia is he?

Melbourne.

Okay, okay.

I got it.

Yeah, I got a mate there.

He's up in Gympie.

That's a likely, man.

He's locked a lot of time.

He'll stop in the chat, like, like.

UK Ted's here now.

It's Queensland.

UK Ted acting very weird tonight.

What's your problem, man?

Why are you un-opping people?

What's your deal?

Why did you unop people?

What was that about?

Well, no, I just thought there were too many chiefs, not enough Indians.

No, you don't need to think that.

You don't need to call the herd.

You don't need to do anything like that.

It's okay.

Don't be getting too familiar.

I understand you.

I don't know about you sometimes, UK Ted.

I like you, but sometimes I don't know.

Something about you, man.

He's British.

I think that's what it is.

He's a traitor.

You can be a traitor sometimes.

You got to watch these.

he went in there

and he took it upon himself to unop talk

who's a long time host of the show

contributor

who else did he unop

no not Nunu

RBCP

you're watching over my chat

that's my responsibility

so you've got to be cooperative

with the show

there was

I don't know maybe 10 or 11 people

who were moderators of the chat room

And when you have that many

It just starts to get crazy

Everyone's unopping people

And eventually you just end up with one person left

Nobody knocks anybody

You're the only one that's unopping and kicking people there

Noone every once in a while gets a little upset

That should be an op

You know, cocaine, that's okay

A few people that requested

But, you know, not everybody

But if we request

You gotta please comply

Yeah, there you go

And while you're doing that, then Gester's in there being rude and jerky.

And you didn't take it upon yourself to kick him out of the chat room ever, right?

That's because I've been banned by then.

You weren't banned, you were in there, you just went off.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

I guess Gester's sound, he's just, you know, he's new, he's excited.

You know what it's like.

I know, that's why he's still in there, I'm watching him.

No, I'm not watching him, I'm just saying he can be in there, he can talk.

You can talk as much shit as you want about the show in there, no one really cares.

there's just a chat room continuing on anyway good show so far i enjoyed the first couple of

pranks thanks buddy i think we need to up the tempo a little bit i think so i'm just not in a

good mood i'm drinking beer i'm drinking beer that'll up my tempo that's fine i got into an

argument today i don't feel like too good about it but sometimes you gotta do i really don't like

arguing you know getting into fights and arguing but sometimes you gotta do you gotta hold your

ground man stand your ground like that song says stand my ground hold my ground gotta do what's

right brother that's right we have a mcdonald's here demand to speak to the manager that you

heard some kids in there cussing up a storm while you were trying to enjoy the mcgangbang what

complain about who the fuck sent this the hell's a mcgangbang complaining about a rosie mohan who

is employee there okay i guess this is a personal thing rosie mcdonald's yes hi listen i have to

to make a complaint which is i want to talk to a manager i don't speak to women i'm the manager

are you a man or a woman i'm the man you're the manager or you're a man i'm the manager sir

oh i thought you were a woman do you get that a lot how can i help you sir well i was in there

with my children we were eating in the gangbang and those new popcorn chicken make chicken nuggets

make popcorn you know i'm talking about yeah listen there were these children in there these

These black kids were talking and cursing up a storm.

And then this woman came out named Rosie, all right?

She came out with a broom, and she started hitting the tables with it

and threatened my son for cursing, and my son doesn't curse.

My son doesn't curse.

You understand?

We go to church every week.

My son's going to be a Catholic priest when he grows up.

What time you coming here today?

Not too long ago.

But since you don't mind the story, you wouldn't know, would you?

Yes, sir, but I don't see anything.

What?

I don't see anything.

I don't get any complaint.

Well, you're getting a complaint now.

Yeah, but I don't see anything in the lobby today.

Where's Rosie at?

Who?

Rosie.

Rosie?

She's not work today?

When was the last time she was working there?

Oh, I don't know exactly.

My son said that he got threatened.

That Rosie took a broom and she started slapping it on the table.

Then Rosie said that everyone had to pay her $5 or she was calling the police.

And she threatened my son.

And she made my son clean the bathroom.

room oh when when when it happened that a few days that was yesterday yesterday i my son just

came clean with me don't give me that she wasn't there yesterday oh what time she you know what

time i don't know my son didn't go to school yesterday could have been anytime because i

worked yesterday in the night and they don't happen anything yesterday and i don't work with

well it must have been before you were there then damn it maybe she woke in the morning listen

Listen, Gonzales, I don't care what you didn't see or did see.

I know what my son did.

Excuse me, sir.

Okay.

Yes, sir, go ahead.

If you want, you can come in here and we can talk about that.

Listen, Lopez, my son is going to be a Catholic priest.

Do you understand?

Okay.

Sorry, sir.

He was skipping school, and I caught him smoking marijuana.

I caught him smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.

And when I asked him who did this, he said that the kids at McDonald's told him to do it.

And then Rosie came out threatening him with a broom.

My son's an angel

And he's going to be a Catholic priest

Okay, one second sir

This is a really big problem

So if you want

I can get your phone number

And we can call

And we can talk to you tomorrow

Listen, Gonzalez

Do you have Rosie's phone number?

No

What's your name? Martinez?

And I'm not Gonzalez, sir

Martinez

Whatever

Hector Martinez

Huh?

What's your name? Ramirez?

Alright man

If you want

You can come and talk to her tomorrow

My bus

He'll be here at 8 o'clock in the morning.

So I'm going to say I talked to Gonzales.

Yeah, you can talk to...

I'm going to say I talked to Gonzales last night.

And I'm going to tell him that you call me a stupid.

No, I don't call you that.

Well, I'm going to tell him that.

Okay, if you want to tell that, okay.

What did you not say?

What do you mean?

Sorry, I'm the manager right now.

And my name is Conrado.

Gonzales.

So I want to know if we can fix that problem.

Your name is Gonzales?

I need your phone number and your name.

What is your name, Gonzalez?

You said Gonzalez.

I wrote it down.

I wasn't convinced that was a man.

I don't know.

There are Mexicans that sound like that.

They usually have a rosy complexion.

They look good out of it, clearly.

Big cheeks.

They got big cheeks.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, Gonzalez.

Can I speak with Gonzalez, please?

Excuse me, sir.

Is nobody named with that?

Oh, hey.

What was your name, Conrad?

Yes.

Condor.

Okay.

This is manager Condor Gonzalez I'm speaking with.

Correct?

It's correct?

Sir.

Yeah.

I try to play.

I don't have time right now.

I'm busy right now, sir.

Listen, I just need some information here so that I can do a lawsuit with you, and I'm going to make a complaint.

If you want, we can fix that problem tomorrow with my boss.

Well, listen.

If you have a son, you've got to bring your son, and you've got to come in here and talk to my boss and Rose if you want to take this seriously.

Are you going to go to church?

Do you go to church?

No, I don't go to church.

Why do you ask me that?

Because my son is going to be a Catholic priest.

Okay.

If it happened yesterday, I don't know because I don't work with Rose.

Rose don't work yesterday neither.

Okay.

So I don't know how you can say that.

Well, this Rose is a problem.

All right.

If you want, you can come in tomorrow, man.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Listen.

If you want to...

Listen here.

I don't got time for...

I'll need to fix it.

If I can fix it with you...

I'm going to call him back.

I'm serious.

I'm going to blackmail this guy.

It's easy.

Why is Apple snacking?

Probably just going to get McFud.

And Cheeto Pandejo.

Yeah, I can speak clearly.

Is it Maricón?

No, not a breakfast.

I can't say that.

I don't eat banana.

All right, we'll give up on that.

Excuse me.

I'm still burping up taste from dinner last night.

Like, I had this...

I had Mexican food last night.

I went to a Mexican restaurant with some friends for dinner.

Met up with them.

And I still taste it.

I don't know.

Is that normal?

My son is a saint.

He's smoking marijuana,

playing, drinking beer,

and skipping school.

We got a number here for Eddie.

Get a white guy

who just started dating

a big girl named Carrie.

Has a short temper

and will probably flip out.

Cool, let's do it.

Just make sure he doesn't have a gun.

That's a trouble.

A wheelchair?

Dickhead Eddie is.

I'll leave him a voicemail.

He'll call me.

He'll be such a hothead.

Eddie, I can't get to the phone right now,

so leave your name, number,

wrote a brief message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks for calling. Have a great day.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you're finished, sorry, operator assistance

is not available at this time.

Fuck that. Alright, fine, I won't leave a voicemail.

Alright, Lonesome Loose just checking

in with some numbers here. Numbers in Poland.

I don't think we've ever prank called

Poland.

Yeah, we've got some hotels in Poland. That'll be

cool. You've got a Polish

listener, I think, right now. Do I?

No, no, he's local.

One of my friends is listening, but he's

he said be right back and hasn't come back.

Oh, what an asshole.

Oh, I was going to say,

if you want an Australian Skype account,

you can use mine.

Just go crazy.

A what? An Australian what?

Skype account.

Australian Skype account.

Nah, I'm all right.

I can call Australia.

I have money.

That's cool.

I don't need your charity.

Okay.

Well, you've been helping out enough, man.

You're good.

You're one of the good guys around here.

All right.

Let's see.

We'll look at some more requests and pranks here.

Here, Cactus Joe sending in a number here in New York for Vic.

This guy is the business development coordinator of some bullshit for downtown New York.

Troy, New York.

Pretend to be starting a business and fuck with him.

I'll do that.

How many beers you got there, Tristan?

Not an empty beer.

I've gone through about six.

How many ounces is that?

Not fosters.

Fuck fosters.

Fosters is ass.

Are you drinking from a tinny?

From a tinny, yeah.

A couple of tinnies.

Did you reach Vic Christopher, the Econ Element coordinator?

So, tinny as a can.

That's cool.

Yeah, so that Foxtrace is shit.

That's what everyone says.

Yeah.

Even you guys.

That tastes like licking a dog's ass.

Yeah.

I'd say so.

It smells good.

Worse than Corona, I bet.

You guys got Corona over there in Australia?

You ever drink that?

Yeah, yeah.

I've pretty much got every single beer you can think of.

Yeah.

Cool.

Good for you guys.

A number here from Dirty Aaron for Big Heather.

Craigless ad for horse.

It says, good for breeding.

All right.

Time for horse, everybody.

I'm excited about that.

it's colleagues are sending me uh it's up he's sending me pizza numbers pizza numbers i would

like rbcp to get some pizza people you know pizza delivery you're so stupid yes hi this is um you

know want to make sure i got the right person here and i wasn't bothering you this is heather

right you had the ad in craigslist for a horse oh yes uh-huh okay good um this horse is it a

handsome horse i don't know which one are you talking about i had a couple ads in there uh

They have the breeding horse.

A breeding horse.

Yeah.

You have an ad for horse, good for breeding, $1,800.

Oh, the Cremelo mare, the quarter horse mare?

Yes, yes.

It's a mare.

Is that a girl horse or a boy horse?

Yeah.

Yes, it is.

It's a girl horse.

Jesus.

That's good.

All right, so the horse is friendly?

Yes.

And what's the horse's name?

What is her name?

It's Punky.

Cunty?

Yes.

Cunty.

cunty punky p-u-n-k-y c-u-n-t-y registered name i don't have that with me right now you stole the

horse that's cool i won't tell anybody about it that's cool yeah i deal in stolen horses and cars

i send into puerto rico oh okay all right nice okay so i mean you know i know you stole cunty

and i won't you know it's cool um the horse is good for breeding does it have all its papers

and does it have clean teeth yes okay can i ride the horse for a while it's not broke no

No.

Well, I can still ride it, right?

You could eventually if you get it started, yeah.

All right.

Who are you calling for?

I mean, you don't have a lot of familiar, you're not really familiar with horses, so who are you buying for?

No, I am.

I grew up in Puerto Rico.

There were many horses around where I used to live.

There was a horse named Alonzo that was my friend.

He was my friend horse.

I used to feed him apples.

They were his favorite food.

and then there's one time these kids threw the apples at him and he got scared of apples yeah

um is uh cunty is she afraid of black people because i know some horses are afraid when they

see black people and they run away i have no idea she doesn't have black people i don't think

nobody's been out that's oh that might be a problem if she's never seen a black person

she's never seen a black person before no not to my knowledge no okay well i've had her since

She was three months old.

Okay.

How do you think she'd react to a black person?

She'd probably get scared and run away.

I've never had that happen before.

I've had a black trainer, and it never seemed to make any difference.

Was it a man or a woman?

Yeah, it was a man.

Was he aggressive?

No.

No?

Okay.

Well, maybe that...

Well, but she wasn't around this horse.

He wasn't around this horse.

No.

Uh-uh.

Okay.

Well, that's...

Maybe we'll correct around that.

I had a Doberman Pinscher that I trained to attack black people.

Okay.

what I would do is I had a black neighbor named Willie,

and he would come over, he would hit the dog with a garden hose,

and it learned to hate black people.

Why would you do that?

Well, because I had a certain customer who needed to have a Doberman Pinscher

that would attack black people on sight.

I see, okay.

So that's how you train.

So then what I want to do with this horse is train it to be afraid of black people,

to run away from blacks.

Joke or what?

No, I want to buy the horse.

I'm not going to sell it to you.

Oh, come on, don't be nice to the horse.

come on please yeah no i wouldn't sell a horse to somebody no you have to sell the horse why why is

it because i'm samoan i have no idea what you are i'm talking to you on the phone well please

yeah probably not thanks for calling your name is heather yeah and you breed the horse i'm sorry

do you mount the horse you breed the horse are you gonna be rude now well listen there was

don't call my number back okay listen let me ask you something don't be disrespectful okay

Just one question, please, Heather.

I'll leave you alone, I promise, okay?

Can I ask you one question?

Oh, man.

You've got to call me in on one of your calls, dude.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Five, zero.

Just one more chance, Heather.

Come on.

Pick up the phone.

It's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I do know someone who did that.

Somebody who paid a black guy to beat up a dog on purpose.

No, I don't know that.

That was from the movie.

What movie is that?

denzel watching the movie no there's a denzel where he was a bad cop and he was saying he was

saying a story oh what the fuck about that training day i think it's like uh i think it's a

deleted scene from training day there's actually a movie that was in the 80s it's just about a dog

that would just attack oh my yeah dude but didn't didn't the dog end up liking black the black guy

didn't the black like a black guy like uh i probably stopped watching it by that point

I was thinking about that movie recently

I remember it was a dog

I'm pretty sure it was a white dog

the dog attacked black people

and this black man made it his mission to make the dog like black people

yeah white dog 1982

yeah is that what it was

but then the dog

wanted to attack only white people

instead of black people

and I think they

ended up having to put the dog down

something stupid I remember seeing that

it was like 3 o'clock in the morning and I was really high

Hey, how you doing, man?

Hey, man!

Hey, Milkman, tell them about the racist dog.

Dogs are colorblind.

Yeah, they are colorblind, it's true.

But black's not a color anyway.

Black's not a color.

Black is an absence of color.

Exactly.

They have good other senses.

I should call the Asiatics and ask about racist dogs.

Black people don't have salt.

Oh, boy.

Am I drinking Fosters?

Dirty air?

No, I am drinking Bud Light.

Just as bad.

Fuck Fosters.

Yeah, man.

Moving right along, as Milkman would say.

milkman the owner of a racist cat ben and jerry's ice cream shop coming up here from dirty aaron and

after this we'll get to loan some loser calls uh call me call me you want to do this it's an

ice cream place you want to call an ice cream place you can call me you know what i'm pretty

drunk but i'll take it i'll take it thank you clack miss ben and jerry good day how you going

good who's this uh no i'm just um holidaying here with uh my family we're just wondering we're

I was just wondering what flavors you had.

Sorry.

Yeah, well, there are probably about 40 flavors.

I couldn't really name them off to you.

Okay.

Looking for something in particular?

Yeah, we usually eat kangaroo cream.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I really believe you.

Do they milk the kangaroo?

Yeah.

Sorry, I don't think so.

How about, can I milk you?

No.

Okay, fair enough.

I'm sorry.

You're doing pretty good, though.

I'm trying.

So what time do you finish work?

What was that?

What time do you finish work?

I think that's part of the flavor list.

Sorry.

You sure?

How many flavors do you have?

Pretty sure.

All right.

Have a good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop the clock.

Hello?

She gone?

Damn it.

You see how she...

I want to point out how she, you know, the whole accent thing, she was all for it for

a while there.

She was thinking of it.

She was all flirty with you, man.

She's still for it.

Yeah.

She's still for it, too.

All right.

Someone sending a number here

Richie, IG69 I guess

Not sure of his name

I call him ClassyChillFag

Hey man, sorry I haven't been around

I pranked this guy with

Something, he told me that he hurts people

Goes to jail, then hurts them

When he gets out again

When I told him I'd been in jail

He became a lot less threatening

Just ask if his mother is a horse or something

Okay, right, I'm going to do exactly what you said

IG69, this is going to be an IG69

in a prank call style,

which means it'll last 10 seconds

and I'll laugh halfway through it.

I'm just not in a good mood.

What

did I miss?

Some drunk Australian guy was doing a call.

Hello?

Yes, hi. How are you doing there? Is this Classy Chill Guy, fag guy?

What's that?

Is this Classy Chill Fag?

Who's this?

Is your mother a horse?

My name is Cross. Your number was passed on to me for making threats and racial comments.

You want some of that too?

Well, you know, if you could give me an example so I can write this down.

I'm going to make this a report.

Are you in Orlando?

Yeah, I'm in Orlando.

Do you want me to come to Orlando and whip your fucking ass?

I'd like to see you try.

My phone number doesn't come through.

It's blocked.

Well, I got a phone number.

No, I'd like to see.

No, it's star 69.

There's a number you fake fuck.

It's star 67.

I know people.

I can fucking find who you are, and I'm stupid enough to do something.

And even if you whip my ass, you know what?

I'm so dumb, I'll come at you again.

What are you going to do exactly?

Fuck you up.

Uh-huh.

How exactly?

Do you want to use powder or oil?

I'm going to put my dick in your ass.

And then I'm going to put it in your mouth.

Are you a top or a bottom?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Is that how Americans fight?

That's how Americans fight.

You got a point.

I love it when people say, I'm going to kick your ass.

I'm going to fuck your ass.

That's what we do.

You're right.

You're right, Tristan.

That's how Americans fight.

Americans and Indians, they will rape you.

In Turks.

i'm not gonna fight you i'm not gonna punch you like a man i'm gonna i'm gonna have my i'm gonna

have gay sex with you just to humiliate i'm gonna do it in front of your wife humiliate you my god

good point thank you for pointing that out i think that's that's the biggest thing that ever

happens on this show all the time you know that's how people what is that why why are people they

want to be all tough and and their threat is they're gonna have fuck you you know they're

I'm going to have sex with you, sir.

I'm going to have gay sex with you.

Yes, hi.

I've only ever talked, but I could probably bottom if you're interested.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Who's this?

I was talking to your boyfriend.

He said he wanted to hook up.

I don't know if you wanted to be involved or not.

How'd you get this number?

Huh?

What number?

Are you just like a loser fuck that just calls people randomly?

No, it was on gayhookup.com.

Yeah.

Awesome.

I was talking to him.

and he told me to give him a call

I guess, I don't know, maybe because you're around

he's upset

do you have nothing fucking better to do

you loser fuck

sir, can I talk to your friend again

your boyfriend

you think you're a funny guy

yeah, that's right, hey stupid bitch

why don't you go suck your friend's dick

and stop drinking out of cups

you little pansy ass motherfucker

that sounds like a good plan

but first can I talk to your boyfriend

because he said he wanted to have sex with me

good point, I'll bring that up

Sorry, I'm going to go to the phone right now.

The guys in the chat room are right.

They should have said they got it from Craigslist.

Yeah, and the chat room, they're right.

Ken says his girlfriend will put up a better fight.

I think it's true.

She sounds like a bruiser.

Good God.

Milkman, any thoughts on that?

Do you want to talk to that guy?

I'll save his phone number for you if you want to ever meet up.

He's in Fort Lauderdale or 561, yeah, Fort Lauderdale, right?

Yeah, Fort Lauderdale.

954 is West Palm Beach.

Milkman, are you there?

Hang up on him, you bitch.

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay, good.

Fuck, doesn't he have voicemail now?

I'm trying to leave him a voicemail.

Or I'm going to say, I'm sorry.

Sorry your girlfriend was around.

Didn't mean to get you in trouble.

Call me back.

I think I'm going to get drunk tonight.

Play it.

I got to get more beer, though.

That's what's up.

Sorry, I'm unable to get to the phone right now.

Just please leave your name, your number, and I'll get back to you as I can.

Have a good day.

Hey, man.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I called when your girlfriend was around.

I hope I didn't get you in trouble.

But when you get a chance, give me a call back.

And thanks.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

now they'll hear that and get upset seriously what happens his girlfriend's like give me that

fucking phone mr tough guy all right moving right along it's my new thing to say i got it from you

we got a walmart milkman your favorite yeah that's where you do all your clothes shopping

big and tall let's do it let's get that big and tall two extra dollars answer there so we'll move

right along speaking of which tucker mike what the fuck you want mike tucker why are you doing

Hey, I got a white cat.

What's up?

What?

No mixing the races on this one.

Yeah, white cats.

That's not as bad.

White cats are freaky.

Like, all white.

Oof.

Yeah, this one's kind of weird.

With red eyes?

Yeah.

No, not red eyes.

Like those nasty bunnies that have white bunnies and red eyes.

Oof.

Kick them.

Oh, yeah, like they're like albinos or like the equivalent animal kingdom of an albino

or something, it seemed like. Exactly, like an

albino snake, but a rabbit.

Gotcha. Yeah.

You should have albino black people.

Ted, Ted sent a message. I just thought

I would make a good op and that you had

far too many blah blah. I really heard

this, Ted. Whatever, you know what? Why don't you go cry to your mom,

Ted? What's going on with

the chat room tonight?

Ted's crying. I'm hearing all this weird

stuff like I was op'd and it was de-op'd

and... I don't know. Ted didn't think

you deserved to be op'd or something. I guess you haven't

put in enough

Madhouse time

7 years worth of Madhouse time

Mr. Ted

I've been here for 4 months

I'm the new kid

I know it's best for this thing

I'm going to

completely go in and change up

everything because I know

how to shake things up

because I'm brand new

and I know what you people need

that hasn't been working for what?

Seven years?

We're swinging the chain, Tug.

Nothing you've done right for seven years has worked.

So I'm going to come in.

No, Ted's cool people.

UK Ted's cool people.

But I think UK Ted's a little surly tonight.

I don't know.

Ted, we're done ragging on you.

It's okay, man.

Ted got his ops back.

He's behaving so far.

He's all right.

Ted's not the same person as Steve Stewart.

There was a Jen in there.

Was that Jen Stewart? I just noticed that.

They just sound the same, so I can't tell them apart.

All right.

Milkman, yeah.

Milkman's got a fair.

He's got a fair.

Pretty lady.

I'm going to have to voice call him.

Milkman, why don't you take a ride in the front seat with me?

He's going to give him a front seat discount from Milkman.

All right, I'm sorry, Milkman, I'll keep picking, I'll stop the time.

Yeah, I'm going to get in there, I always do bullshit with this place.

I don't know if it's up to you.

Milkman, mute your shit.

All right, who cares, we're calling Poland, they won't even know, they're so stupid there.

Where did you have all the bullshit?

I think there's a fight in there.

Oh, we're right.

This place is Polish

Holy shit, what's that?

The dead, we need the dead

Yeah

Where did that dead be?

Hey, you stupid monkey

Are you Poland?

Hello?

What?

Eh, this is stupid Poland

There's stupid people

I'm surprised there's any Polish people left in Poland

Hello, Poland

All we got from him is

That means a lot over there though

That's a

That's a coherent sentence there

Exactly

What a jerk

You're not fat

I am fat

Is there a full moon in the UK or something?

I don't know what's going on

Hello, is this Poland?

I'd like to make a reservation for the Poland hotel.

Okay.

In Krasnoyarsk.

Shut up.

What?

You shut up.

Do you understand?

Hello.

Don't hang up, please.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

I want to make a reservation.

Shut up!

Okay, what day?

Saturday.

Saturday, yes.

Are you smoking something?

What's going on?

What?

Speak up.

I don't know what you mean when you go...

What's that?

Stupid Polack.

Listen.

Listen, if you had a submarine, would you put a door on it, a screen door?

I don't understand.

Listen, I heard the Polish Navy had a submarine with a screen door on it.

Is this true?

Well.

I don't understand.

You know what a submarine is?

What is it?

It's food.

Well, yes, a submarine.

Saturday, okay?

Okay, how many people?

Five.

One room, five people.

Five men, five gay men.

No, no, no.

Oh, come on.

Come on, come on.

We have a...

Please, I'm a student, I'm a student, I'm a student.

How much is one room?

How do you sink a Polish submarine?

Well, do you hear me, sir?

No.

Do you know how to sink a Polish submarine?

No.

You forget to close the screen door.

You understand?

I don't understand.

Listen, a Polish man stepped in a cow pie and he started crying because he thought he was melting.

You understand that?

No.

Did you hear about the fish in Poland that drowned?

Did you hear about the Polish cocktail, Perrier in water?

Listen, have you heard the Polish knock-knock joke?

Knock-knock.

Listen, I...

I have a question, okay?

No.

Do you...

Listen, when I say knock-knock, you say who's there, okay?

You ready?

No.

Say it, please.

I say knock-knock, you say who's there.

You ready?

No.

Do it.

Knock-knock.

For the Polak joke.

I seriously have a Polish joke here on this website.

Say knock-knock, who's there?

Knock-knock, who's there?

There. Knock, knock. Who's there?

That's the Polish knock-knock joke. He fell for it.

What a dumbass. Well, it's true.

I had a whole bunch of them here.

I didn't get it. How do you sink a Polish

battleship? Put it in water.

The first part.

Sign on a toilet seat in Poland.

Polish t-shirt. What?

Sign on a toilet seat protector dispenser.

Polish t-shirts. What does it say

on the bottom of Polish Coke bottles?

Open on the other end. That's funny.

I like how he fell for the knock-knock joke.

What a dumbass. Okay.

Okay. Thank you, Lonesome.

Enjoying Poland here.

I am going to get beer. I am going to get sloshed.

I think I deserve it.

I should play a prank call, though,

in honor of something.

I don't know. Any requests for a prank call?

Any old prank call we haven't played in a long time?

Any of you want a name? Now's the time.

Old one.

Is that not the cool one?

Oh, my God.

I think you should play a prank call

that Milkman's made.

Which one?

One of those with the black people.

Remember that game with the black people

sleeping on the couch? I cannot remember

the name of it, but you know. Black people

sleeping on the couch. Black people

sleeping on the couch.

The chat room is voting for

Kiss My Pussy. Alright.

That doesn't give me enough time to get beers,

but I'll queue that up.

I'll need at least one more, and then kiss.

Play it twice. Play it twice.

Yeah, okay. But then, uh,

Rarer's gonna make fun of me. I'm trying to make

a good impression. I'm trying to, you know, we're trying to turn

him around. I'll play the, uh,

If you want one to get enough beer, then how about the gangbang, the famous gangbang?

Oh, I haven't been played in a long...

All right, sure, we could do that.

Or the Charlie call, either one.

We'll do the gangbang.

That's beer enough, Tom.

Gangbang.

Prankmaster Gangbang.

Good big-time fare.

That's a long call, too.

All right, we'll play that.

Give me a second.

I'll be right back with more beer and more pranks.

Thank you.

ECU Radio at House 5 every day.

Hello, this is Dingle Residence.

Hello?

Hello, this is Dingle Residence.

Is this Dick Dingley?

Yeah.

What do you want?

I have a question for you.

What is your favorite potato chip?

What is this call about?

Why are you calling me this late at night?

We have created a new product called Dingley Chips,

and it's a combination of...

Well, you got a speech impediment, boy?

Can you act like you just molested a nine-year-old,

You fucking child-molesting fucking idiot.

You just got fucking owned, you fat bitch.

What do you have to say about that?

Why don't you take your fucking hearing aids out?

Oh, speechless, huh?

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, what's up?

What happened?

It was some asshole.

We don't want to deal with assholes, I suppose.

That would suck.

What else have we got?

I can call him.

No, I think it was somebody from the chat room.

It was obviously somebody who listens to TCO.

Milkman, who's this from?

This right here says Parker.

Yes, this must have been some prick.

Yes, it seems so. You're waiting. Hello?

Yes, I have a couple questions for you.

Do you like milk, sir?

Milk?

No, do you like milk?

No, but I'm a prank master like nine-year-old boys and girls that fucking prick molester.

You mean molester a nine-year-old?

That's about it.

He just hung up again. Now he's calling back in.

Baby.

Yeah, are you really trying to get me fucked up around here?

I don't know what the hell's going on with these numbers, man.

Milkman, who's sending that in?

That was Zolar.

I can tell you right now.

That was definitely Zolar.

That was Zolar?

Was that Zolar?

He's not in the chat right now.

Okay, well, he's in the chat, but it wasn't from him.

Hang on, everybody.

We're going to try this third time's a charm.

Just give me one moment.

All right.

Hello?

Yeah?

Is this Mark Jameson?

No.

It's D.D.

Who is this?

D.D.

The dead.

The dick?

The dead.

You motherfucking pedo.

Hang up, Khalid.

Hello?

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, Jesus.

You motherfucking pedo.

What's with the language?

You fucking asshole.

Khalid, hang up.

All right, hang up.

You fucking piece of shit.

You fucking dick.

Go fuck yourself.

Tell him, Frank.

Go fucking nine-year-old motherfucker.

Dick, dick, dick, dick.

Go fucking nine-year-old motherfucker.

Dick, dick, dick, dick.

Go fuck yourself, motherfucker.

well you can hear the conclusion of that awesome prank call and a bunch of others over at

madhouse live.com in the prank section request uh request a prank what the fuck am i talking about

the archives and then prank calls do that do that thing uh i guess we should have played that

because like i said that's like the king of polish prank callers not really but he's the

The only Polish prank call that I know of.

I never get over how much

Milkman's voice has changed.

It's insane.

He sounds like a completely different person.

Who? Milkman?

Oh, yeah, I know, right?

Did he, like, start or stop smoking?

He started screaming a lot once,

and we just messed up his vocal cords.

Big Ted Webb,

the owner and curator of

Blue Planet Prank.

Is it Blue Planet?

What is it now?

Now, God, Ted, you and Tuck just love changing domain names all the time.

I didn't change it.

It's BluePlanetFranksRadio.com.

How hard is that?

Every six months, I've got Tucker Mike Pranks.

I've never, ever had Tucker Mike Pranks, just for your record.

Tuck is a far worse offender than I am.

He has, like, .info.

Yeah, and he lost it.

He lost it from Indian Company.

Someone else gave me

I never registered

.plex

.xxx

That's the new one

You should get madhouse.xxx

I'm telling you

Maybe like Vin Diesel

Maybe a triple X

Alright folks

How are you?

I'm good

What does he want?

Pranks?

Pranks wants to prank

I heard you called to Poland when I was driving back from the grocery store.

Yeah, how was that?

It was pretty good.

Thanks, man.

I'm trying to do okay.

I like the knock-knock joke there.

It's pretty good.

Yeah, I love it.

I thought it was funny that he fell for the knock-knock joke like a dummy.

All right.

It was last time out loud at the screen door in the submarine, too.

I thought the joke was going to be how do you sink a Polish submarine,

you knock on it or something, and they'll open.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Well, I guess...

That one guy, Evil already wants to be on.

He's calling, and I promised him

I'd let him on last week, and I totally forgot.

And then the week before, I did the same thing.

So let me call him here.

If he gets out of control, we'll hang up on him.

Is it too good just to call in

on Skype?

He doesn't have Skype. He doesn't have internet.

He's still on story.

Please leave your message for...

Well, the internet is...

Oh, number.

Oops.

Go ahead and get to it in time.

Sorry, Artie.

Don't worry.

Everyone else will call you.

You'll have plenty of people to conversate with.

Hey, guy.

Hey, big guy.

How you doing?

I hit it when a fucking call pops up right as I'm hitting the button to exit.

Yeah.

Penis.

How you doing, Artie?

I'm drinking tonight.

How you doing?

Oh, this should be a good night then, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's talk, UK Ted, American Ted.

Girls have a penis.

Boys have a vagina.

You know, we've got a good representation.

We don't have a vagina.

All right, look, Artie,

you're going to have to lower your voice a little bit

when you get on here

because you're way too loud all the time, all right?

Wait.

Sorry about it.

Blow it out.

I'm just excited.

All right, easy.

Tranquilo.

All right, so listen.

I'll let you know who's on here.

Some vodka.

Milkman, UK Ted, America Ted Webb,

some guy from Australia

who likes spending $5 for me all the time,

and TuckerMike.com.

So I think I'm going to do something weird.

What was that?

Pop open a beer.

Oh, no.

Why not?

Go for it.

I haven't had a drink since New Year's.

Well, tonight's tonight.

Tonight's tonight.

Congratulations.

Hopefully we won't have another Doubletree.

Yeah, don't pee in the garbage can again, man.

Jeez.

Please.

Yeah, anyway.

We could write a movie on that shit.

All right, well, guys.

We've got to stay away from K2 also.

Yeah, no K2.

You haven't smoked that shit at all since the girl almost died, right?

That's all I've been smoking.

Because now it's easily accessible, you know?

It is for now.

We'll enjoy it while you can.

You're going to get hooked on it, and you're not going to be able to buy it.

I am hooked on it.

There you go.

Smoke K2.

I haven't had it for about a few days.

Are you having trouble?

Like, are you like, I need some K2?

I want some more, but, I mean, it's not like I'm shaking with withdrawals, you know?

Fair enough.

Okay.

All right, let's do some pranks.

All right, guys?

In the same way I want some right now.

Very classy of you, man.

Yeah, let me not ask you

I don't want to get you in trouble

Hey, but wait a minute

I did want to mention

Artie called me on Valentine's Day in the morning

She's like, should I call my mom?

It's her birthday and Valentine's

I'm like, of course you call your mom, man

When you're having trouble with your family

You're like, should I call?

Would it be better if I don't?

You still gotta call, man

Oh, it's worse if you don't

Yeah, they're waiting for your call

It's worse if you don't

Did you call your mom?

She's at the point.

I went and saw her.

You did?

Yeah.

Went out to dinner.

See, I told you it was a good thing.

Did you take her out to dinner?

So you made her pay for Valentine's dinner?

No, we all went out.

Oh, okay, okay.

That's it.

I think they were pretty much planning on not including me, though.

Oh, boy.

Oh, they'll get over it.

I mean, you know, Mom, she'll come around.

She's upset at you, but...

She's my mom.

Mom's love, man.

She's your mom.

That's what they do.

My mom gets mad at me.

She'll last a few days, and she's calling her Carlito again.

All right, listen, we got a number here for an overnight cashier at a grocery store called Wegmans.

Brian takes his job way too seriously.

Ask him if it's okay to mix bulk candy.

I guess that's an inside thing there.

Is it okay to mix bulk candy?

You know, like you go and they got the candy that you buy by weight, you know what I mean?

And I'll be honest, I'm guilty of this.

They've got the sugar-free candy, and it's like a dollar more a pound than the regular candy.

candy and and then at the grocery store that we go to here they you get anywhere you go you put

in your own like you do your own weighing and you print your own sticker you they make you print

your like if you get like like if if you go get like whatever by it get lettuce you know if it's

by the pound you know they make you do the fucking work like this all right you know putting you got

to put in the code and print it out and you put on your sticker they don't ask no questions as

they'll let you do it instead of the cashier doing it for you and the same thing with the

candy like if you go to the candy aisle the bulk candy every candy slot has his little code so you

literally fill up your bag you put on the scale you type in your code and it prints it out so i

put it i put in the regular code for the cheapest one and it prints out and so i end up i pay like

a dollar fifty less a pound for my sugar-free candy and then that's the best way to get sugar

free candy man yeah but it's a sin i just thought of something with that dude but it's a sin i'm

I'm going to go to hell now, Milkman.

Baby Jesus doesn't like that.

Well, no, I just thought of something.

Say you want to try the candy first.

How do you pay for that piece?

You know what?

I tried to weigh.

I wanted one piece of candy.

They had a new one there.

I was like, I'm going to try this one, but I don't want to buy the whole thing.

I just want one or two.

And I tried to put two on a little scale.

It wouldn't accept it.

It was too low of an amount.

I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?

They're forcing my hand.

Forcing my hand.

and they just eat it.

You've never been guilty of this

when you walk by it?

Just grab something and eat it?

No.

I did that when I was a kid.

My mom would just, like,

grab some out of the bin and hand it to me.

They didn't even call that even a panty's work.

They had an honor system at the grocery store.

They had an honor system.

There was an honor system at the grocery store

where you put in a quarter

and you could take a sample of the candy in the bin.

I think it's like three pieces for a quarter or something.

Three pieces.

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen that.

The little box.

They got a little box there, yeah.

But I'd put in like a quarter and take like 20 pieces of candy.

I didn't know.

I thought it was a penny a piece.

You never learn to count.

That's all.

Yeah, well, the –

Attention deficit.

I learned when I worked at the grocery store, though, when I was a kid that –

When you get three, you lose track.

It's always an – it's an outside company that does that, though.

It's not the actual grocery store.

an outside company rents space

inside the grocery store to sell that

they rent spaces?

yeah they pay

whatever it is

Because, yeah, they pay the grocery store to come in, and they fill it on their own.

They handle the inventory, and they're in charge of, you know.

So the grocery store really doesn't give a shit.

They're like, whatever.

You know, they just, whatever.

It's overcharged.

Anyway, bulk candy is a ripoff.

Bulk candy.

Candy is a ripoff.

What it is.

A long time ago when I worked in the industry, they really wanted people like Papa.

I used to do that shit.

When I worked at a grocery store, I'd like, if I had customers, like, that had grapes,

if I was really hungry, I'd, like, take two or three off of the, you know, after I rang them up.

I would take, like, two or three grapes off the thing, off the little stalk or whatever,

and put them aside, and I'd eat them.

That was bad.

I was a thug, man.

I was thug life.

That's why, man.

I'll listen to Tupac and Bone.

I was a thug.

That's what happens to you.

Yeah, man.

It's thug life.

Gotta do what you gotta do.

All right.

That devil music rain washes you.

All right.

Does anybody want to talk to Brian about mixing bulk candy here at this grocery store?

I would, but I'm not sure you guys can hear me.

We can hear you.

All right.

He might not be able to understand your accent.

I thought I'd broken it.

Ted, a compliment.

I will say, Athena and I both listened to the prank call

where you were the translator last week for the British call.

You played the phone translator.

I don't know if you remember that, but it was pretty funny.

Oh, right at the end.

Yeah, right at the end.

That was a pretty good call.

So good on you, man.

Good on you.

What happened to the UK guy?

Oh, the Australia guy.

Oh, here he is.

All right, Tristan, you're back on.

UK Ted, take this.

Bold candy.

Wait, I can't.

You can't.

Okay, someone else.

I'll do it.

Yes, hi.

I wanted to talk about the candy, the bulk candy there.

This is Brian.

Yes.

Hi, Brian.

Listen, my friend recommended I give you a call that you had to deal with the bulk candy there.

You know how you get the candy that you get by weight?

What's the code that you put in for it?

The candy you buy.

Well, I want to get the sugar-free candy, but he said that it's cheaper to get the non-sugar-free.

Okay, please.

Okay.

Yeah, hi.

Brian was making a deal with me for the bulk candy.

I was just talking to Brian

Brian told me to call in

He said that he could make a deal with me on the side

About getting bulk candy cheaper

Well he said that we can put in the code

For regular candy for the sugar free candy

Yeah but how are you going to know

Well I'm getting

Brian said that it was normal

To go in and like if you get

Sugar free candy you can put in

Yeah you guys put in the code for the regular candy

If you don't say anything

What's the price difference

Well you've got the sugar free gummy bears

Yeah well here's what I understand

understand damn it why does it cost more money to get sugar free when you're taking the sugar out

of it well that's not fair i'm getting right uh what's the codes can you give me the code numbers

yeah i just need the code numbers yeah i just wanted to get it ready i'm gonna write it down

on my book what a dick what a stupid prank call to you did he hang up how come i can't hear the

other end of the call yeah those of us in skype can't hear it or you can hear it on the stream

yeah i couldn't hear anything either i had the calls before i forgot to put the microphone back

in the earpiece that's why oops sorry you didn't miss much it was shit anyway let me call him back

just in case

yeah hey listen um the bananas what's the code for the bananas is it still for what was it

four zero one one the plu code for bananas is is it for what is it yep what all right plantains are

Are they still 4-2-3-5?

Well, I'm trying to remember.

Onions were like 4-0-8-2.

What's the PLU code for bananas?

I know 4-0-1-1 because it was the most common produce that ever came in.

4-0-1-1.

All the time.

All the time, man.

4-0-1-1.

All right.

Yeah, man.

Onions, lettuce.

What was lettuce?

Was it 4-2-4-2?

I forget what 4-2-4-2 was a common one, too.

I don't know.

Bananas always, everyone needs bananas.

It's helpful to know the PLUs when you're doing self-check.

Yeah, but I remember 4-0-1-1.

I used to hate that shit.

See bananas.

Fucking bananas.

Well, you want bananas.

No, actually, bananas are easy.

But I used to be like, I don't give, like, I get people with, like, some lettuce and shit.

There's, like, 20 different kinds of lettuce, you know?

And they'd be like, here you go.

I'm like, I don't know what the fuck kind of lettuce this is, you know?

I'm like, whatever.

And I put in some lettuce code.

Like, that's too expensive.

That's the wrong one.

like i don't whatever i don't give a shit well tell me what it is no i just used to ring it up

as the cheapest one that they got kale i used to ring it up like regular butter lettuce my manager

got mad some of his checkouts now though yeah well my manager got he was a pakistani he was like

what do you know you're such a rebel it's like the kale is 250 pound more than the butter lettuce

i was like i don't know i'm trying to i'm making deals man

I got a deal for you.

If you came through my line

and you had produce, I was the man.

I was like, you could have

some fancy hydroponic

tomato and I'm like, alright.

I'm charging you for the cheapy one.

See, that builds

customer loyalty.

Your manager didn't do that.

I had customers that go through my line

just for my line. Just because of me.

That's probably why.

Stop that guy again.

The guy.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Yeah, very funny.

Yeah, it's better because you don't have a job.

I'd like to see you get a job at a grocery store, Artie.

What job have you had?

I'd be too fat.

Whatever.

You have no fucking job at all.

I think I've hit rock bottom, though.

Yeah, okay.

Why?

I'm drinking beer out of a fucking coffee mug.

That's not bad.

I've drank beer out of a 44-ounce cup before.

That's just wrong.

It's like drinking Coke out of a coffee cup.

It's just weird.

You're safe from washing dishes.

I've drunk a beer out of a 44-ounce cup

on my way to work.

Oh, with a straw, too.

Oh, no, not with a straw.

Take the straw out.

Why?

Why are you drinking beer with a straw?

That's just gross.

I hate the taste.

You're such a rebel.

You hate the taste?

Yeah, I haven't had beer in so fucking long

that I, like, lost the taste for it and shit.

It tastes worse with a straw.

What are you talking about?

Why would you want that?

Yeah, why would you...

Well, no, that shoots it to the back of my mouth.

That's what she said.

i was gonna say that's what she said that is what she said

here put the straw in your heart your enigma within your own self that reminds me i don't

know if you guys know about the rampart scandal i don't know do you know about that ted you're in

california and shit i don't know rampart scandal was uh in uh compton and stuff there were these

really crooked ass cops in the rampart section of compton and shit and uh they were cops but

they were actually gang members they were involved with um suge knight and all that you know killing

biggie and tupac and all that shit they were the crooked cops and and um they used to drink beer

out of um cups with straws because they thought it got you drunk quicker it doesn't make any

fucking sense right i said that's you know it came up like anything drinking it without a straw would

make you drunk faster because you're you're this the tongue and like tissues of your mouth would

would absorb the alcohol.

Right.

You think so?

I thought it just...

I think an alcohol suppository

is a pretty quick way

of getting...

Yeah, alcohol enema.

Oh, boy.

Oh, come on.

You gotta watch out.

That'll kill you.

Oh, yeah, that'll fuck you up.

That'll kill you.

A beer enema?

Yeah.

Because I heard of someone

who was like,

he's like,

oh, I'll do an enema

and they did a whole

fucking bottle of vodka

and they almost fucking died.

Yeah, okay.

They pulled an Ardy's girl

smoking K2

in the Walmart parking lot.

They had to go to the hospital

and get their stomach pumped

or something.

Well, also, I think that there might have been something mixed in with that specific one.

Because, like, when I smoked that one, my heart was racing like crazy.

But then when I smoked other ones, it's not like that.

But did you put a crack rock in it?

I felt like there might have been bath salts in there.

Bath salts.

Armor all.

I don't know.

Because that was their most expensive brand.

Maybe it was really potpourri.

Definitely not.

Like, I think I'm, like, really fucking, what's the word?

Gay.

My tolerance is way up now.

All right.

But anyways, like, two hits of that shit fucks me up.

I gotcha.

There you go.

Cool.

Hey, guys, let's call Poland.

Want to get high?

Aren't you proud of yourself for introducing him to weed all those years ago?

It's not my fault.

I introduced him to K2.

I actually introduced him.

You smoked K2 at my house for the first time, too, right, Artie?

Wasn't that?

Yeah.

I did that to him, too.

Actually, Carlito knows exactly whose fault it was that I smoked weed now.

That was Olar, right?

No.

Yeah, it is.

No?

That's with a T.

T.

Oh, her?

Yeah.

Really?

Tamika?

Yeah, Tamika.

He's having a fish again.

To Shonda.

Artie.

Artie, listen.

We're getting complaints all across the board.

Bring your voice down, man.

You can't talk so loud.

I can't.

You got to do something.

I'm going to have to hang up on you, man.

You're too loud.

You're way louder than everybody else, man.

You're blowing up the speakers.

Is that better?

No, you're fine.

You're a little low.

Yeah, just already too loud, man.

There should be a setting for the microphone on my phone.

That's not too bad.

When you talk like that, that's not too bad.

Talk like a creepy fucking voice.

If there's a setting, find the setting.

Find it.

Try talking through the straw.

Yeah.

All right.

Now you're loud again.

All right, listen.

We're going to call...

Peter Frampton style.

we gotta we gotta call poland all right we gotta call the uk we're gonna call poland

does anybody want to call poland uk i want to america ted all right listen here's what i got

i got a hotel uh america ted what do i got america i don't know what this is i got contact

persons dorota greca i don't know what the fuck that means let's call a hotel instead uh we'll

I'll call a hotel first.

This is in vice.

I can say a bunch of gibberish in Polish.

Does that work?

We got the hotel Czarny to lap in

and Zakadena Pomakrzewski Bisexualis Kozielinka Poland.

That's what it looks like to me.

All right, we're calling them.

I worked in a factory with Polish people,

so I know, like, just random things.

What the hell do they do in the factory, Polish people?

It's better than nothing.

Dumb motherfuckers.

Only Polish people I knew working at the grocery store that I was talking about, the cleaning crew, was Polish.

I remember they were Polish, and this one, the wife was looking for the husband.

One husband, he's like, is Rukulov there?

I'm like, no.

I'm like, no, he's not here today.

He's like, oh.

And he was cheating on her.

Earlier, you know what he said to the Polacks before he died?

He said, lower your voice.

Until I get back.

I'll be right back.

Hello.

7-8-7-5-5-7-8-1. Milwaukee Avenue.

Hello.

How are you?

Yes, hello, I'm fine.

Good. Who are you? Who are you?

Who am I? Hello.

Yes, who are you? Who are you?

That's a nice name. Hold on, let me turn into a nerd.

Hello.

Hi.

I'd like to make a reservation.

Yes, it's okay.

Okay.

How many people? It will be two? Two persons?

It'll be me and you.

Me and you, together, in a Polish room built for two

Alright, I need a room for 14 men

14?

Well, I can't because I don't have so big room

They're only going to be in the room for a little bit

Yeah, just for an hour

I don't have such a big room, sorry

I have only room for three people

Do you have rooms with adjoining walls?

We could break down the walls

and make one big room is that okay sorry i don't have what would be the charge to break down the

walls of the room like how much extra would that be hello hi she's so polish she says hello before

she hangs up say hello hello i'll call her back if you like there we go you do like hello you know

what's so fucked up about polish even if you look at the pronunciation it's supposed to help english

people speak polish by the way atomic wants a shout out hello hello hello she's playing that

game where you hang up the phone you know that game atomic wants a shout out in the chat room

atomic shout out to atomic everybody atomic let's hear it for atomic yeah atomic gold star

atomic big reception for atomic

And we had some shitting and okay faggot there.

Wow, this is hopeless.

I can't pronounce any of this shit.

Well, what can you do?

Do any of you on the dais know where this is from?

What movie this is from?

Okay, faggot!

I bet you guys don't know where that's from.

Full Metal Jacket.

No.

I was going to say that too.

No.

I didn't think Full Metal Jacket.

No.

Do you know, Arnie?

I found swear words.

I'd like to say them to a Polish person.

Okay, faggot!

We'll do that.

what's the answer

or do we have to

play the game

and end up

I don't know

it sounds like

Sgt. Hartman

no

not even close

no it doesn't

no Scarface

no

it sounds like

a drill sergeant

it's not Scarface

he's an Italian

that says this

I'll play one more time

he's an Italian

an Italian

a famous Italian

tell us who it is

it might give it away

oh really

if you tell us

Beyonce

yes it will

give it away

is it

Al Pacino

no no no okay it's uh i'll give you the i think i'll give it okay well i'll give you the name of

the actor it might not give the movie away dom deluise really never heard of that you never

heard of dom deluise oh my god so well i've heard the name but i can't think of anything

run i'm just naming random dom deluise movies can i run yeah maybe it's not them uh history

of the world part one isn't it okay dom deluise yes yes i know yeah when he sees her you know

and he's sitting around and

he's got the court jesters and he's like

you know he says

his little jester is that

I haven't seen that in a long

long time

I know he sits at home

that background noise isn't me by the way

just in case

background noise who is it

we'll get banned from the show forever

I can't believe I forgot the word curva

Atomics is die hard

I hear that noise every week

what is that noise

That's UK Ted over there.

Stapling papers back there

and opening doors.

Really? Stapling papers?

Prick, meat, rod, pork

is kutas.

Alright, guys, come on. Let's go.

Come on. Prank calls.

Let's go.

Just like a home number

or a cell phone number.

Just some random American person.

Oh, let me pull him out of my ass.

Jay Buck.

Everyone wants America.

Everyone wants UK or some exotic place.

We'll do America next for UK Ted.

He wants to call America because it's queer.

I'll get him a number.

You do that.

Get your mom's number real quick.

I'm just going to look through my phone and see who he should call.

All right, good.

Do that.

In the meantime, America Ted's going to do a call here to another hotel in Poland

so he can curse at them.

Ready?

Good.

All right.

You guys got to rant it in because Milkman's going to get mad

if you guys get out of control.

What do you mean?

Every week he gets mad because you guys get out of control.

He gives me a bad review at the end of the show.

1, 9, 4, 0.

Zostaw wiadomość po usłyszeniu sygnału.

Kurwa, much.

That sounded cool.

That was Spire Code Radio there.

It was, yeah, it was.

Polish people get very upset if you insist that they're Russian.

Zero, zet.

Call them Russian, yeah, that'll piss them off.

Maybe we should just call people we can understand.

Sorry, that was me making back our noise.

I just had to take a shit in the toilet.

Oh, man.

God damn it.

Let's all blame UK's head.

Yeah, blame the UK guy.

It's cool.

Let's tell the mute person.

Hello?

Hi.

Is this a Bordel?

No, it's not.

It's a hostel.

Oh, I thought it was a whorehouse.

I'm sorry.

Are you a gupe guignac?

You're not a silly cow or a dumb bunny.

You know, do you offer the service of yebak?

You don't offer the service to fuck, to screw, to hump, to bang.

You offer kutas.

He's Jack, and I drive a gruhut, or gruhat.

You know, an old banger car, like a piece of crap.

You sound a little chewback, a little crazy.

Pierdolke, pierdolke.

Fuck you, up yours.

Are you Russian, sir? Is this Russia?

Do you speak Russian? That's awesome.

I think Russian men are sexy.

God, you sound so fucking Russian.

You sound so fucking Russian right now man

You like it

You like it the Russian man

That cracked me up

He had a pretty good American accent though

Uh yeah

Alright that was

That was the extent of my Polish capabilities

Good deal alright

So we want an American number

So we've got

The girl that didn't show up

Yeah what a bitch

Well no I didn't tell a story about this

Alright here we go

story. This chick was like

anti-weed and I tried to get a hold

of her one day. I called her like twice. That's not bad,

is it? You're too loud. Twice in one day?

Stop being so loud. She got pissed

and I told her that I wanted to because I wanted to

make sure like the date was still on. You need

to shut the fuck up.

I tell her, yeah, because I wanted to know

because using my weed money

I told her I was using my

weed money to take her out and she got pissed.

Wow. What a

fucking ungrateful chick. You made a bad impression

you dumbass.

Hey, Artie, Artie, but you know what?

You know what, Artie?

I spent my fucking dope money on you, you bitch.

I thought it would be, like, a nice thing to tell her.

Artie, Artie.

Yeah, I think it's awesome.

I agree.

Yeah.

Do they have more options?

Yeah, it demonstrates a very deep sacrifice.

He's so romantic.

He's so romantic, yeah.

It's Valentine's Day.

Hey, Artie, but you never...

I cross-lover you.

You know what that means, though, Artie?

Fuck me.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

That's what it means.

Look, guys, come on, let's focus.

here fuck milkman's gonna be mad at me tonight azar fran cuban cuisine in oceanside california

yay yay yay um who wanted to call a uk ted you want to talk to americans is that what it was

i just wanted not not like a business just like a um just a random person

here we go g g g l dean lord all right can you handle that g l dean lord mrs lord mrs lord yes

Yes, okay.

Gracie Lords.

I'll give it a go.

She's in Wyoming?

What's W-Y?

Wyoming?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

It's just an experiment.

I don't know if it'll be funny or not.

We'll see.

Good luck.

Guys, don't interrupt UK Ted.

He's got a constant.

No, if he gets boring, it's a problem.

Just do it and shut up already.

Oh.

Oh, good evening.

Hello.

Can I speak to Mr. Lord, please?

Hello, Mr. Lord.

The reaction was funny.

I'm called Popeye.

Why did you say anything, though?

You keep saying hello, hello, hello.

I was saying hello.

He was saying hello.

Well, he said hello, you said hello.

Then keep going from there.

God damn it.

Come on back, come on back.

I wasn't sure if he could hear me.

Perfect.

Come on back.

Don't call here again, you whippersnapper.

You motherfucker.

Cocksucker, you.

Okay, faggot.

What time is it in Miami?

Hello?

Hello, good evening.

This is Ted.

I'm calling on behalf of Walmart Customer Service.

Is now a good time to talk?

It's fairly important, sir.

No, not fucking 10 o'clock at night.

Yeah, so we're currently calling people

who have recently made use of their local Walmart

to offer them 50% off their next Walmart shop

up to a maximum of $200.

We'd be interested in taking a very, very short survey, sir,

in return for 50% off your next Walmart shop.

Oh, wow.

Let me call in a supervisor complaining about the rudeness.

He was to you.

The party you called did not answer.

Did not answer.

Thank you for letting me know.

So his big idea was to do a poll.

Well, I wanted to complete a survey just with a list of questions.

No one is going to do that, especially in the United States, too.

Yeah, this is in the UK where they're all polite.

Yeah.

They'll shoot you over here for that.

They'll put the gun up to the phone and shoot you.

Yeah, yeah.

They'll shoot the phone.

What do you want, food?

Listen, I'm the manager here, and I don't appreciate you talking to my employee like that.

I don't appreciate you calling my fucking phone back at night.

Listen, you're threatening me.

And soliciting me.

You're threatening me, and I'm going to report you to the police.

You don't speak to my employee like that, you understand?

He called me an asshole.

That's rude.

That's very rude of you.

You hurt his feelings.

Apologize right now.

The UK dead.

You know what?

I'm not your manager.

I'm not your supervisor.

I'm the manager.

You call me and harass me at 10 o'clock at night and expect me to apologize to you?

Is this Mr.

Yeah, uh, hello?

I want your supervisor.

And then you put him on the line.

This is Willie.

I'm the supervisor.

What's going on here?

I want to know why you're calling me at 10 o'clock at night and harassing me and asking me to apologize to you.

Well, see, what happened was...

That's what I want to know.

What happened was...

I want to know your manager.

I want to know what company you're working for.

Yo, press pause on them flippant lips of yours.

No, no, press pause.

You call my goddamn phone again, I'll see your ass.

You flippant, boy.

You flippant.

Now, listen.

We got cameras in the bathroom.

He's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone.

I had a 4th grade teacher

Who was black

And she used that word all the time

Whenever we would talk she'd call us flippant

Flippant?

Yeah

A word she learned in a dictionary once

Get on her

I looked that up

That's very racist of you Tuck

Is that what they taught you in your school?

Lacking proper respect or seriousness

He made a flippant response to a serious question

You guys know Malcolm X

read the entire dictionary when he was in prison.

Think about it.

Why?

Because they made him.

He just wanted to sit in bed all day.

Oh, bastard.

What an asshole.

by the way. I'm going to sue you, you know?

I'm going to sue you.

That's what

UK Ted wanted.

Good work,

UK Ted. That was a good call, man.

I didn't help much with that one.

You made him a very angry man.

That's the whole

point of this show. That's what we do.

Make people mad.

One of these days, I'd like to be

the manager

that gets the phone passed to me.

We either end up with mad people that we call

or mad fucking listeners

because the calls suck. Either way.

Either way, somebody's angry.

Somebody's pissed off during this show.

And that's how we know that we

provide a service here. Anger.

Maybe we should do some UK wake-up calls then.

That's a pretty simple way of pissing people off.

Could be. Could be.

Alright, Nunu sent in

a number for CapStyles.

He is a black... He is a black.

Posted his number on Twitter.

he is a rapper

complain about him using bad racial words

during his performance at the Empire

what's his name?

Cap Styles

that'd be great if someone with a British accent

called up a black rapper

complaining about his language

what are you doing to our language here

also complain about his sexism

that he shouldn't say bad words about women

we got his cell phone number

and his twitter

Twitter. Let's listen to...

That's how quick he hangs

it up. Yeah, the black guys

usually don't play.

You know what? We get better luck

with white people who are

trying to be black and being angry.

Yeah.

Bass guy,

nigga.

Wake up, white people.

Fuck you, nigga, bruh.

Bass guy

came straight for the bitches.

Mack 10 lay him on the floor

All right, let's give them a call, everybody.

This is Kepstyle.

Yeah.

That's the dude we're calling.

You got a good beat, though.

Not really.

You think so?

It's funny.

It's funny, it's not- I don't know if it's like, serious, but I think it's funny.

There's no, uh, rap- rap season.

He can't rap.

Where is this guy?

Hi, you have reached Steven Stenbridge Jr.

Junior!

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Let's try him again.

Oh, art. Oh, Oreo. Holy crap.

Sorry I couldn't answer your call

But if you leave your name, number

And a brief message

I'll return your call as soon as I can

Thank you and have a nice day

We were wondering

What's his name?

His name is Cap Styles

No I mean his last name

Steven Stembridge Jr

Okay cause I know a rapper named Steven

Is that that motherfucker?

It's him

Because I gave you that number, remember?

No.

Remember I had to call a rapper?

I'm trying to think of his name.

Oh, yeah, Thorn.

Thorn?

Yeah, that's his, like, rapper name.

It doesn't even sound like the other name at all.

This is what happened to Urkel.

I see how confused you could get, though.

Hey, Urkel, give us a call back, all right?

We're Madhouse Radio, and we're really big fans of you.

Hi, Laura.

We downloaded your music on Napster.

We've been playing it all week, so give us a call.

You send your message

That's one at any time

I'm sure it wasn't hotline

Thank you for calling

LimeWire

Alright sorry

What was it

Kazaa

God damn

LimeWire is still around though right

I hear LimeWire is still around there

I think Hotline is still around too

Just something different

I never heard of Hotline

Yeah Hotline was sort of like LimeWire

I don't remember Hotline at all

I got so much shit off of Hotline

it was one of these ratio services

I'll tell you what

I started with Samba

that was my first MP3

was on Samba

then I learned about Napster

I met this girl

at UCF

we were already used to go to

she was like have you heard of Napster

and she showed it to me and was like

oh my fucking god

this is awesome

So I did Napster, and then when Napster got shut down, I did Kazaa.

I remember Kazaa.

God, you were at UCF such a long time ago.

Shut up, faggot.

And then I did LimeWire.

Everyone's opinion is respected here.

Shut your ways.

And then I did WinMX.

WinMX, I think, is still around, too.

WinMix.

I used to use Kazaa.

Kazaa was cool.

Kazaa was cool back in the day.

Now I just use Torrents.

Yeah, I used to try to get porn on Kazaa.

Dude, I remember those days.

Get, like, fucking 10-second clips of porn on Kazaa.

It took, like, 30 minutes to download.

No, I get the whole movie.

You just stream these things.

Well, back in the day.

We're talking about, yeah, back 2000, 2001.

This was eight years ago, back when I was living with my mom.

Yeah, 2000, 2001 and shit.

You didn't have your porn tubes.

And she caught me masturbating.

Yeah, now you got porn tubes and stuff.

Now it's not even an issue.

You don't have to download that.

I don't even have any...

Back then, I was like, you know, you'd save your pictures on your...

You have a special folder with a password on it so no one could get to it, you know.

Did you ever get caught masturbating?

Right as I came.

Wow, you can't stop either, man, when you're...

Do you stop?

I know, it sucks.

Yeah, you can't stop.

What do you tell your mom, man?

You're like, I can't stop.

I was scratching.

You were what?

My dick was itchy.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

And this magic milk came out of it

that you don't know.

What's this?

Did you open your eyes

and find a sandwich next to your bed?

And then she went through the next day

it was the whole thing like

for boys.

Oh no, not that talk.

Wow.

I don't think my parents ever walked in on me.

Pretty sure.

But then again, I didn't have porno, man.

That happened multiple times to me.

When I was in high school and stuff

I didn't have internet.

We didn't have that back then.

It was, you know, bootleg copy

bootleg VHS copies of

porno and

or it was BBS

ASCII art

whatever ASCII art

jerk off to that

Ted you're my age

is it true it happened to me

even but did you ever

did you ever end up

on some kind of plethora of porn

inside the woods at some point did you ever go into the

woods and you found porno

magazines or something

thing yeah sure did that did that i was talking about the internet or the actual fucking woods

you go in the woods or on just on the side of the road yeah but no i'm just on the side of the road

if you're in your 30s and you're a man at some point in your life you were in the woods or on

the side of the road and you walked upon porn when you're a teenager it like it just happened

yeah you know and it was like the greatest day of your life you're like sure yeah and

I'm bringing this shit home.

Yeah, that's how it was.

Oh, you go home as quick as you can.

Kids today don't know how lucky they are

that they have so much of the porn.

It's so easy now.

You guys have it made.

Artie, you had it made.

No, I didn't, dude.

Get back home as quick as you can.

My mom wouldn't let me on the internet unattended.

Well, IG-69 has it made.

He's got his own internet, you know.

But you know what I had to do, Carlito?

What?

To those cheap penny magazines

that have all the bra ads.

I had to use my fucking imagination.

Imagination.

That's stupid.

That's 70s style, man.

Really?

You had to do that?

Imagination.

That's pretty sad, dude.

I knew a guy who would jerk off to like the scrambled channels back when the cable channels used to be scrambled.

Oh, yeah.

If you try to tune into the channel and repeatedly press zero.

Well, that I would do.

No, no, no, no, no.

You could use the tuner on the TV if you had the little analog tuner and the channel would scramble like the Playboy channel.

it would be black and white

but you could make it come through straight

it was transmitted in Morse code

no no no

they just

had them

they had them there but it was

on certain channels

back in the day the pay channels on TV

the movie channels HBO

and Playboy

you could hear the audio

it was all wavy

how weird was that time

man yeah i haven't thought about that wavy design that always from the tv and i know it's all

digital now but back then yeah and then see my dad he went to like the flea market and he bought

a box it had a switch on it and he flipped the switch into it and it would de-scramble it and

that was heaven yeah i remember i said my friends over like because they were like well you get

these we watch boxing all the time fucking uh wrestlemania and shit for free and all that

can't do that anywhere you can't do with the digital boxes but back then when it was still

analog man those were the days hell yeah man okay here's a funny story um back when i was like 15

or less than that um on the tv i don't know how the fuck this happened but all pay-per-views i

got the first like five minutes of it you know okay without having to pay for it and every time

naked news was come would come on i'd watch it for the first five minutes okay that's all you

had to bust my nut before those five minutes that was a tease though because they start off

Those five minutes, they still had clothes on.

They still had clothes on, yeah.

Those five minutes, yeah, they were still talking, you know, like, at her boss's desk or something.

Yeah, well, you know, they get down to their bra by the time you finish watching it.

Yeah, five minutes with a bit of the bra.

So I'm enjoying the whole nostalgia show and everything.

The fucking, is Naked News even, I remember that when I first came out, it was like.

Yeah, it's still around.

It was like.

They're not as cute, they're not as cute though.

It was like five girls.

They have a title for the show.

There was like five girls

that would just say the news

and it would get naked

like they had a gun pointed at them

or something.

Yeah,

I saw that at my grandma's house

for the first time.

She caught me masturbating to that.

Alright guys,

prank on me.

Those were the days.

Naked News.

I don't love the show.

Porn the stuff show.

I remember,

I was,

because you used to be able

to watch Naked News

but then what they would do

is they would make you pay

to have it full screen

and I used to get,

I got upset

when they started doing that

because I was like,

man,

Man, I can't watch it full screen anymore.

It sucks.

Okay, now we know.

Sheets, a convenience store.

You did a prank.

We got a Sheets.

Sure.

Yeah, right.

God, Artie, I'm about 10 seconds away from hanging up on you and your perverted ass.

Did you save the number for Indian Charlie?

Indian Charlie, yes.

Who's Indian Charlie?

Is that the guy that fucks?

No, asshole, that's the Turkish guy, you dumbass.

It's his fucking face.

Oh, last week.

uh yeah what was his i should have it yeah let me look it's a good point yeah we should talk to

that guy right his i know he's fucked yeah already i know okay look last week we talked

we talked to an indian guy who's like the indian version of charlie last week

party you wouldn't know because you weren't around last week you were too loud no i was

too fucking stoned and i fell asleep before i could call you that's true you did call me

I hear you, please put me on so I can be loud on the air.

I'm looking for the number here.

Hang on.

I have no clue which one it could be.

Seven days ago.

Here we go.

One minute, two minute long, four minutes.

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess it's this one here.

Let's try it.

Let me play some music first.

We're going to do some more prank calls.

What time is it now?

Is it one o'clock yet?

We've got 30 minutes left of the show.

We're doing pretty good tonight.

12.29.

We've got 30 minutes left.

Making time.

We've been bullshitting for a little while here.

We're going until five.

I got to work tomorrow, asshole.

Don't work drunk.

Get Battlefield 3 for PC.

That always works.

Dude, I need a nice PC.

I need to get a good PC before I can do that, bro.

Sorry, man.

I would, but I got to get a decent PC before I can do that.

I'm actually using a somewhat older PC.

I just put, like, a really good graphics card in it.

Yeah, but my...

It's not worth it.

All right, I'm going to go out on a limb and try to call this number and see if this is him.

All right.

UK Ted.

2-9.

This is Angie and Charlie.

uh hopefully we'll see chuckley we will see god come on computer you see i can't even dial

fucking google voice i think i'm gonna play battlefield 3 on this shit scrolls admit the

shivering isles what is addictive isn't it what are you talking about shivering what the fuck is

that isn't that the elder scrolls game older scrolls skyrim oh skyrim yeah skyrim shivering

the other one was shivering isles never mind i got the mix there's an expansion pack for the

the last one called

Shivering Isles.

Nope.

Skyrim, I haven't

played in about two

weeks, so I've got to

catch up on that again,

man.

Shit's no fucking

fun.

It's good.

There's a lot of

Madhouse listeners

who are playing Skyrim

and enjoying it.

Level 65.

Wow.

I've only played

Oblivion.

I've heard that there's

no multiplayer on

Skyrim.

No, there's not.

I'm surprised it's

so popular.

They're working on a

mod for the PC

version that's

multiplayer, but...

That's the kind of

game you just want

to play alone,

though.

At least that's how

I feel about it.

It's good to play

Play by yourself.

Get cups.

That's what he said.

Let's see if mom catches.

Uh, still trying here.

Hang on.

We'll talk.

Come on.

Google talk.

Show your titties.

Oh, boy.

All right.

We'll try and skip instead.

Nothing can be simple on this show.

UK calls.

Hello?

Yes, is this Bhenchod, motherfucker?

Shut up.

You stupid asshole.

You thought...

Young right up.

Oh, that for that.

You want me to call him back?

We'll see if he's a little more receptive the next time around.

I'll give him a call

Whereabouts is he based?

Is he in the states?

Washington state

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

4-2

Well you see the number there

If you want to write it down UK Ted

You can call on your own time

Have fun with that buddy

Now I'm feeling good

Sorry guys I'm breaking up

Sorry

What's up man

He's sending in a number

okay for who oh an article for a man who crashed into a house okay cool put that on standby there

in a little bit we'll call that multiplayers for the gay says mpsa cobra there you go uk 10

realize that recognize that you multiplayer is for gays according to him you know sorry guys my

internet's failing i think someone else is on it oh gotcha we're out with cheese sent in a number

here for a ghetto white guy that we

already called and he didn't answer. Never mind.

Atomic sent in a number earlier that

we didn't get to. A convenience store. They've

always got old ladies with cigarette voices

down there. Tell them my

son, who's going to be a Catholic

priest, keeps getting in there and buying the

Mountain Dew. Tell them if you can put up

a picture of him in the store so they know not to

let him in. Okay, cool. Let's do it. That was a good plan.

Can I take it? Okay. No, I think I'm back.

Good. Can you guys hear me? What?

Yes, we're here. Kidding.

6-2 Midnight Lounge

joining us in the chat room

he's got a new podcast

he's trying to get off the

get off the ground

everyone be sure to

try to check that out

give us a link there

6-2 Midnight Lounge

he was checking in with me

on Twitter earlier

I'm taking this

okay take it

asshole

PDQ this is Rose

can I help you

hi sir

this is a little embarrassing

come into the room

I'm wondering if you

could pick it up

because I don't want to

tie a bit of a germ

fucking my girlfriend

let's see

yeah um

can you come and help me

clean the bathroom please

I

that's kind of an unusual request

I don't know

No, I'm, you know, it's...

Maybe me and you can break out another condom.

No, see, yeah, that's a problem.

I mean, like, are you, like, prank calling me, or you think this is, like, why would you ask me to come...

What's a prank call?

Here it is, lady.

Sorry, man, if you drop something, you need to use a paper towel or something and pick it up,

and I'll come in, and if there's a mess, I'll have to clean it up after you leave.

I'm not going to come into the bathroom, that's, like...

Well, I have a request.

You can pick it up, and while you bend over, like, maybe I can pull your pants down.

she did treat it uh like serious what the fuck man seriously she's taking it for real

let's do that we lost everybody ted webb you're still here ted teddo ted's here take us to a

point where he doesn't talk anymore i think that's him now ted ted we lost the australian guy i hope

she checks the bathroom talker you call her milkman you still here milkman oh man talk you

You're still here.

Hi, this is Todd.

Is this me and Artie?

Help us, God.

Oh, God.

All right, all right.

Typing Milkman.

God, not even that.

I think Milkman's got a...

He's driving somebody.

I'll try to...

Crazy.

There might be a problem with the Skype, though.

Artie, I'm going to call you back, all right?

I'm down to one beer.

This sucks, Artie.

Hanging up on you.

Yeah, I have.

I've had three, and I'm feeling pretty good.

I haven't drank in so...

Me neither, actually.

I've had four, and I'm pretty...

Not bad.

Last time I...

Ah, I hung up on him.

One beer left, everybody.

Let's play that song.

Milkman, are you there?

Milkman.

Please enjoy the...

Milkman.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Three straws worth.

Hey, guys, that's a restart.

I've done this.

Milkman.

I got you back.

little more quiet now over here we got you my ears were ringing dude i had to like i had to

like switch off man it was a little bit loud so fucking loud i just i can't deal with it

why don't you like holler in the front i mean you hear it on the street i know i don't know

why i do it i do to be nice he does sound like that that is exactly how he is man wow

Artie's cool

It's gonna be like

Three feet from his head

It was probably

Wouldn't be so bad

I mean he just

Overs the whole audio

He's like right on top

Of that fucking

He's got his mouth

Right in his fucking

Fucking thing man

It sounds like

He's got a phone

In his mouth

That's him

Evil Artie

Back on the road

Alright UK Ted

And Tuck

Are you here Tuck

I'm still here

I don't know if you can hear me though

What

Yeah I hear you

Uh Tuck

Tuck you Tuck Tuck

I'm gonna call Tuck back

Artie's calling back

I'm gonna keep him off

We had enough Artie

I already just called my cell phone now.

I don't have the screen already.

Okay, I've sent the caller to voicemail.

Your caller just hung up.

Goodbye.

That was rude.

He's going to call right back.

Watch.

I've got to block him.

Good God.

You're back, Tuck?

Tuck, are you talking?

Mm-hmm.

All right, good.

Big Tuggy Tug Tug.

Tuggy Mike.

Good God.

It's not easy dealing with Artie, you know?

But he had a good prank there at the end, though, you know?

Come on.

You've got to give it to him.

He's funny.

I mean, just the volume is just like 12 on a scale of like 8.

It is.

Yeah, it's strangely more quiet.

Does he have to go away?

Much more peaceful.

Did he pass out?

All right, well, we got a Taj Palace in Washington.

Oh, we just called that guy already.

Come on, white cat.

Get out of my chair.

Yeah.

All right.

Kick his ass.

Castori Grill in Washington.

Give them a call here.

Washington State Indian Restaurant, Bonchute and the like are probably.

We don't have any UK numbers

Maybe I'll call last week's UK numbers

Lonesome

If you don't have any

Let me know

I don't know what your fucking problem is

Hello

Good evening, Mr. Gale

This is Indian Place

Yes

Good evening, how are you?

Good

Good, God bless you

I would like to make an order for food

Okay, what would you like to order tonight?

I would like to make an order for Tandoori Raj chicken

What's that again, sir?

Tandoori chicken

Abdo

Hello

I can barely hear you, sir

Tandoori

Okay, hold on.

I'm in here.

Who's that?

Okay, you want to get the tandoori chicken, right?

Yes, that one, uh-huh.

Chicken tikka masala.

Kut tarocha.

Hello?

Yes.

Chicken tikka masala.

Uh-huh.

Okay, one order of bhenchod gandu.

Bhenchod gandu.

I think that's the guy that got really mad at me last week.

Called me the other day.

Are we cooling around Indian restaurants now?

Yes.

Can I do one?

Yeah, that's what we do.

Hey, am I being heard?

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's an Indian restaurant.

Yes.

Same one.

Sala Masala.

Sala.

Okay.

I'm going to make a cheese sandwich when the show's over.

I'm going to put a cheese sandwich in the toaster oven.

I'm going to toast it up.

Oh, yeah.

And you know what?

I went to Arby's and I saved a horsey sauce.

I'm going to put that on too.

Horsey sauce.

Horsefish.

Is that code for something?

I'm sorry.

This mailbox has not yet been set.

It's like horseradish mixed with mayonnaise.

It's horsey sauce.

I don't know if you've ever had it before.

Horses.

Oh, man.

It's good.

It is good.

All right, well, we've got Dr. Michael E. Callender in Ireland.

Woo!

Dr. Michael E. Callender.

What kind of doctor?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask him, UK Ted, Mr. Fancy Pants?

If he's a medical doctor, I don't want to prank call him,

because that's like prank calling the emergency service.

Why?

Because he could...

Yeah.

If he's a doctor of theology, then I want to prank call him.

Well, if he's at home, he's not a...

Is that an emergency services?

What do you think?

This is the 80s, where they got to park wherever they want with a special license plate?

It's Ireland.

You have, like, three doctors in the whole country.

Hello?

Listen, this is Dr. Michael Callender.

Yes?

Listen, there's, like, three doctors in Ireland, right?

Huh?

Please speak.

Listen, what are the symptoms of a heart attack?

What should I do?

I have a thousand knives of fire in my chest, and my jaw hurts.

Where are you?

I'm in the toilet, and I think I'm having a heart attack.

Can you tell me what the symptoms are?

Yes, just ring 999.

I called 999, and they said they had to transfer me to you.

Can I ask the doctor a question when you're done?

Yes.

Dr. Callender?

Who's speaking?

Mr. Callender, I have a rash on my tush, and I don't know what to do with it.

Listen, he didn't go to school for eight years to be called Mr., okay?

Well, it's pretty rude, Ted, for you to say that to him, Mr.

Jeez.

The guy went to school for, like, eight years, did internships and sabbaticals, whatever they do.

Sabbatical?

And now he ends up being a doctor.

Sabbatical means you're not doing anything.

clinicals

whatever they call them

how come they rape people with money

your call cannot be taken at the moment

I got a rash on my ass so bad

I can't even sit down

we got Michael John Collins

Michael John Collins in Ireland

since America Ted wants to do a prank

we will let him do this one

Michael John Collins

That sounds like a good country singer in Ireland.

America.

Good morning.

Morning.

I need to be wanking here.

Okay.

Hey, wanker, what are you talking about?

I'll try again.

He sounds like he's ready to go off like a Roman candle.

I can hear what he says.

It's like, don't call him.

We'll see how he answers now.

You ever hit chicken heads with pigeons?

Yep.

You did?

Nope.

No. Did he say no?

No.

Yeah.

I'll hit your head.

Welcome to BG Answer 1571.

Fuck you.

Welcome to BG Answer 1571.

Fuck you.

Lift the phone off the hook, Milkman.

What an asshole.

Joe wants us to do Satan voices.

White voice. The white devil voice?

Okay, I'll do that next.

I will be calling Michael Crawford

as the white devil.

I like Milkman's White Devil from long ago.

I don't know if you remember that call where he's like,

this is the White Devil.

That's Reclute, I think.

No, he did one where he did one long ago when we were on Team Speak.

Did he?

All right.

I'm sure he did something silly like that.

Okay, Michael Crawford.

I'll take this one.

Stand by.

Michael Crawford's in Ireland, of course.

Belfast.

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

Michael Crawford.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do, do, do.

Hello.

Hello, yes, this is the operator.

They hit buttons.

I heard them hit buttons, I don't know, let's try the doctor, let me try the doctor again.

I need a doctor.

Ten minutes of the show, and it couldn't end sooner.

The implicit, the deal, the word.

Doctor, can you return to me?

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment.

No, no.

Listen, I'm the white devil.

I am taking possession of all your patients.

Thank you.

That's all.

That's all I got.

Jinx.

America.

There.

That's like a George Bush thing.

America.

Texas.

Okay, moving right along.

Apparently we just hit some kind of limit with Skype because they just charged me $10.

Thank you, Skype.

Huh?

Well, no, it ran out of Skype credit, international credit, so they put it through automatically.

We have delivered your purchase.

Exactly.

That's what they did.

I'm going to call the Indian place back here from just a few moments ago.

Fart.

Take all deliveries in the region.

I get it.

Getting a kick from...

Hello?

Peace out.

May I help you?

Yes, hi.

Do you have french fries there for children?

All right.

Do you make french fries there for, like, children menu?

This is a mental retarded house.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay, no, I was wondering if you had, like, a children's menu at all or anything like that?

For stupid Indian asshole people?

This is a mental retarded house.

Yeah, I know, and you also have sex with your mother and your sister there, too, right?

You fuck your sister?

Let me call 911 again, because I filed a case and they can track your call.

Retard is not a politically correct term.

Will you fuck your mother first, before you do that?

It's mentally challenged.

Will you have sex before or after with your mother?

How about mandaloid?

you know

I think a long time back

I fucked your mom

I remember that

and then she made you

she sucked my dick first

and then

I think you are

the product

the way you talk

I feel like that

I don't know

and then another thing

you know like

actually we had

we had a threesome

with you

kissing your mom

right now

oh man

she's just kissing me

all over my body

I think they get scared

of that voice

I've done that before

it's like

oh

you're saying

oh

say

the devil

I'm gonna say

I'm Krishna

We'll call from the other number here, maybe it'll answer, from another caller ID.

Oh, they're not gonna answer.

Nothing.

Watching!

This mailbox has not yet been set up by the subscriber.

Please try again later.

Goodbye.

Uh, well, those are the numbers we got from Lonesome.

Let me see if we got anything else.

Dirk-a-Dirk-a-Dirk-a-Stan.

We had Dr. Microcalendar.

We already did that.

Michael John Collins.

We already did that.

Here's another one.

B and R Mayor.

And Cool Bally Share Croag Rathakaski Republic of Ireland.

All right.

A woman answered.

Woo, a woman.

All right, cool.

Let's do it.

Gundoos.

Getting close to the end.

Oh, that's the other word I forgot.

Gundoos, yeah.

Yeah, it's hard to remember them all.

It's sad that the only Hindi I know is insults.

Yeah. The only Spanish my wife knows is insults.

It's all I've taught her.

Uh, trying again. Trying the number again.

There we go. This should do it.

I think I missed the digit.

Is it dialing?

What's going on? Invalid phone number? Never mind, I wasn't paying attention.

Um...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, one...

Excuse me while I count digits here.

lonesome that last number isn't dialing bnr meyer networking buddy it's no work man steven

steven jr whatever his name was earlier you know lonesome i sent him some other numbers here we

never got to like the crazy horse bistro boom hell horse havana club restaurant and bar latin

grill express that's the contender there i don't know i'm gonna do one more prank i'm gonna call

call it a night. Sorry, guys.

It's time. We'll call

Gordon Marshall in England. This is a

number from last week. We might have already

talked to them last week, but we'll do it here.

I'll give you a few rapid-fire

UK wake-up calls if you guys want to jump

in, you can.

Can I take the first one?

Gordon Marshall.

Mr. Marshall.

Well, he woke up. That's fine.

Yeah, well, we got him there. William Marshall

instead then. Good luck, UK Ted. Godspeed.

Does someone else want to take this one?

No, you do it.

but you're on the...

Sure.

Enjoy it.

You guys figure it out.

I'll fight you for it.

This is Edith.

Hawaii.

Oh, shit.

What?

Let me try it.

I'm playing Battlefield 3.

You're paying attention.

I'm paying very much attention.

Chit, chit, chit, chit.

6494, this is 1695.

695, this is 6194.

What's your current status?

10, 10, 20, over.

Come in.

Yeah, are you 1012?

695, this is 6194.

What's your status?

695.

Come in.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

695

what is your status

I'm calling from

6194

you're 1695

I'm 6194

I need a full report

you stupid horse's ass

you stupid shit

guys

you motherfucker

what's your problem

I love how they answer

with the number

Nunu says that's like

really old style

like you would answer

6194

well that's four digits

of your phone number

old school style

UK way of answering

the phone

well that's Ireland

well that was UK

that was UK

Okay.

But, hey, anyway, the number that didn't work before in Ireland, here we go at it again.

See if it works this time.

Oh, this is different.

This is Michael O'Donnell.

I got this one.

Good, good.

Hello?

Hello.

This is Michael O'Donnell.

Speaking.

Yes, hi.

This is Mr. O'Donnell.

Yeah.

Hi, my name is BNR Meyer, bowel movement.

How are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, O'Donnell is a pretty Irish name, hmm?

Who's this?

That's a stupid Irish name for stupid Irish people that drink alcoholics like you, right?

Right?

Yeah, go.

Yeah, well, fuck your mother.

My name is I.P. Freely.

Go fuck him.

UK Ted, take it over.

Apologize to him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, he's there.

I'm going to do some public relations.

Yes, hello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on.

Go ahead, UK Ted.

Good morning.

Hello.

No, I was just calling to apologize to my friends.

They've been making prank calls all night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on, yeah.

That was it?

Do you accept our apology?

Yeah, you're...

It's okay, yeah.

No problem.

Hey, you're stupid.

Thanks so much.

You're a stupid understanding.

You're a stupid fucker.

Apologize.

Say that again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No problem, man.

No problem.

Let him know what I said.

Yeah, hello, man.

Oh, he said hello.

Hello, man, yeah.

You're an asshole fucking shit.

Is he messing with us?

Go put it away, you wanker.

Put it away.

You wanker.

Put it away.

Put it away, Mr. O'Donnell.

You wanker.

You suit.

Not any more.

Keep the contents of your trousers to yourself, sir.

Good point.

We don't need that, Ted, right?

UK Ted.

And American Ted.

We don't want to see that stuff.

America.

There's a time and a place.

Harold Turters in Benfleet, England.

We'll give him a call.

Wrapping things up here.

This is going to be, I think, what time is it now?

It's the last call of the night.

Make it count.

Who's doing it?

UK Ted?

Nope, UK Ted's busy stocking a Coke machine.

Stapling.

We'll do it.

Stapling his Coke machine.

Ted Webb.

Ted Webb's got it.

I'd like to make an order, please.

If you turn it left to house.

If you turn it south to house, you're gone.

No, I want to order a four-foot-long submarine sandwich for a party I'm having tomorrow.

Well, I don't know.

She's not here.

She's moved out of where the house is.

What are you talking about?

And she's got two buyers after it.

Hey!

No, I'm one of the buyers, actually.

What the fuck is she talking about?

No, I'm saying that's a...

She told you she's no longer here as a buyer.

The sandwich lady is gone.

It's pretty straightforward to me.

Let me call back.

This is mine.

I got this one.

I want it.

I'm a buyer.

You're the buyer.

Hello?

Listen, Turner, I got the buyer on the line, UK Ted.

I'm the American, and you're a woman, so you're going to make a sandwich.

You understand?

Women make a sandwich.

I think Turner is not here.

Shut up.

Can you not get the message?

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

I think she got the place on to you.

I don't know.

She was.

She's getting a bit fed up with it.

She was getting fed up with it.

And she got the police on to you.

I don't know who you are.

And quite honestly, I'm looking at the house to buy it for myself.

Listen, look, we are the potential buyers.

Sorry?

I'm buying the house for myself.

And my name is not...

I want bread, cheese, mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomato and onion.

What?

We're also looking to enter into a bidding war with you.

I'd like to know how much it is you're willing to pay for the building.

I want to know

where are you

it's my freaking house

where are you

you're a computer

I don't know

what you're doing

my name is she

but Mrs. Turner

was so fed up

about with you

she got in touch

with the police

so if I was you

I would leave you alone

listen

ma'am

what the hell

bitch

no hang on

I was trying to say

I was making an order

for a sandwich guys

and you guys

had to talk all over it

thanks a lot

sorry

thanks a lot guys

it's her problem

I have no idea

what she's talking about

Let me do the talking.

No one cares about your house.

No, I'll never get my sandwich from her.

Thanks a lot, guys.

I don't think anyone's getting it.

She's not going to answer now.

We're going to get some three-way bidding war over there for a house.

Did we ever get any food from any of the calls we've ever made?

No, you know.

I wonder how much...

All these restaurants.

I wonder how much money in wasted food over the years from orders I've made.

Right?

I heard a show recently where I felt bad

because I called and something about where I was like

yeah I want you to make a pizza where you roll it up

like a blunt and he goes like alright I'll do that

and he called back like 15 minutes later

he's like we're closing but I'll make it

but you gotta come pick it up

and I hung up and he called me

back directly and was like hey yeah we're outside

we just closed I got your pizza for you

alright I'll be right there

free pizza for him

is what happened it's alright

I had him make some weird pizza

like a calzone pizza where it's rolled up

like a joint or something.

He's like, oh, yeah.

Free food's free food.

Why not? You know who would have liked that?

Muck Sticky.

All right, Mike, Tucker, you're out of here.

Thanks, man, for being on the show tonight.

You have a good night. Bye.

Muck Sticky.

TuckerMike.com.

Good night, Mike.

Bye, Tucker.

All right, then Ted Webb goes away now.

Ted Webb, thank you very much for being on.

Of Blue Planet Prank Radio.

BluePlanetPrankRadio.com

Yes, I was going to say that.

BluePlanetPrankRadio.com

Right?

Is it .com?

It is .com.

Oh, right. I knew that.

Alright, thanks, Ted.

Bye, Kuta.

Bye, Kuta. What a jerk.

UK Ted, do you have a website, a MySpace or something like that?

No, I don't even own a computer.

Ah, you shit. Well, there you go.

I have an Xbox Live username that you can add.

What is it?

it uh harry flashman so h-a-r-r-y-f-l-s-h-m-a-n-n okay there you go that's that's my plug add him

all right see you later buddy bye it's been fun yes it has thank you bye all right and now we

have no milkman oh shit i'm gonna call milkman he won't answer and i end up in the show by myself

hopefully please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached i do much faster than

he does no milkman milkman is carly you don't mending the show so saying good night to you and

everyone says good night bye take care love you bye love you i said i love you to milkman yes

that's right we have a bisexual relationship and that's okay nothing wrong with being bisexual

right right right right i am bisexual i'm fabulous all right guys well i want to thank everyone who

sent in numbers today a whole bunch of you dirty aaron kokanee sent in a number that i didn't get

too sorry what can i say i'm a jerk uh i don't know we got atomic sent in a number i think whole

bunch he sent the numbers lonesome loser hey can't forget about him lonesome loser sent in a lot of

numbers tonight thanks very much you're the man bro uh ig richie 69 whatever he goes by now atomic

roar out with cheese dustin keifer i think sent the number to did i say dirty aaron i think he did

also that's cool did i say dustin dustin did send in numbers as they get to them also okay cool

Cool. Noonoo, thank you.

We had the rapper. We tried to call him.

He didn't really answer, but it was cool.

He had an idea that you wanted me to call

Travelers, but I didn't get to it. Sorry.

And everyone who listened,

I know it was a weird show tonight.

We got off to a weird start, but I think

we ended up okay. The problem being that I drank.

And when I drink, it gets weird, you know?

It gets weird with my drinking sometimes,

you know? Hang on. Milkman's

calling. Let me put him on speakerphone.

Milkman! Hey, man. I tried to call you back.

Do you want to say goodbye to people? You've got to be quick, though,

because I've got to get to sleep.

What the f*** do we do?

Nothing.

All right.

Thanks, Milkman.

Take care.

I'll try to call you tomorrow.

Answer the phone when I call you in the morning, all right, or something.

I'll leave you a voicemail then.

Check your voicemail.

All right.

Good night.

See you, man.

Take care.

Bye.

That's Milkman, everybody, and that's my time.

Thanks, everyone.

MadhouseLive.com is the website.

PrankCast forums all there.

Tick them out.

Do all that s***.

And we will catch you next week.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night and good luck.

F*** you.

Calls (37, 1 h 24 min of 2 h 55 min)

Transcript

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