God Damn Bath Salts God Dammit

God damn $10 and god damn a bath salt.

God damn you.

And god damn you too, because you ain't getting no god damn $10, $30.

You ain't getting no god damn dollars.

God damn you to hell, god damn it.

Oh, fuck yourself.

I'm not a stupid son of a bitch.

You're an uncle.

You're a dumber than a box of rocks.

Okay, I'm afraid I don't understand Maricon.

God damn you.

God damn it.

God damn you.

God damn you right in the face.

God damn your sorry ass.

God damn you to hell.

God damn you, buddy.

You gotta help your own sorry fucking self.

out god damn you and your coffin who the fuck is this fucker who is this you are listening to the

madhouse radio podcast good evening hi guys thanks for hanging in there the late start tonight i'm

the guy carlito that stupid fucking uh thanks for giving a shit about me again and being here

listening in the future on your uh ipod your microsoft zoom your itunes uh your android

droid phones your blackberries your rios is that an mp3 player put it in the garbage your mp3 player

thank you for tuning in everybody who is tuning in madhouse live february the 23rd of 2012

marking the last year of the last few months of madhouse radio before the show ends forever

before it heads to retirement before we put this horse out before we shoot the horse in the head

it's all over then no more no more horse i hope you all are having a great week week is almost

almost over of course you know we'll do some prank calls here and there tonight that's the way things

go here no milkman tonight i've tried to call him several times today and he hasn't picked up the

phone i hope he's still alive i hope he didn't get killed last night in this taxi anybody would

like to join in on skype now's a good time to do it madhouse.radio on skype skype.com

forward slash madhouse.radio forward slash prank calls underscore carlito hit me up there

My federal tax return today, direct deposit, it's a great thing.

Got to buy myself a big screen TV this weekend.

I'm excited about that.

How could you not be excited about that?

Be sure to visit the website, madhouselive.com.

Get all your prank call needs taken care of there.

Full service prank calls.

I go all the way for pay.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Again, AOL, Yahoo Instant Messenger users, Madhouse Radio.

Radio, MSN Messenger, users, madhouseatlive.com.

Be sure to follow me over there on the Twitter machine,

Madhouse on Twitter, Madhouse Live on Facebook,

a.k.a. Carlito Pranks.

Yep.

All right.

Well, yeah, I missed.

I saw some people.

There we go.

UK Ted wants to join in.

Good.

Makes me happy.

Well, what did I do?

Transfer call.

UK Ted, try to call again.

I hate transfer call for some reason.

UK Ted is here.

UK Ted.

how are you sir hey buddy how's it going hey buddy how are you i didn't did i hear you right

you started talking about retiring yeah retiring now i was saying that it's fun to say sometimes

gets a little rise out of people were you watching the chat room when you said that you

you caused a uh an internet riot yeah i saw that i don't yeah you know i'm that i'm an attention

whore i just wanted to see what people would say i wanted to hear i like to hear you know them say

Oh, no, Khalid, oh, no.

Don't go.

It makes me feel good, like a big man.

You know, like a big internet man.

Regulate was ready to kill himself, I'm sure of it.

Yeah, well, I know the reasons.

Man, I finally saw Lost Cosmonauts.

I watched it last night.

I must say, pretty interesting.

Oh, it's all bullshit.

Is it all?

It's not all bullshit.

Well, that's true.

What do you mean it's all bullshit?

Well, yeah, that's the point.

It's true.

It's verifiable facts collected together to create a narrative.

But the actual narrative is a lie

That's kind of the point

It's to demonstrate how documentary film

Can mislead people while still telling the truth

Okay

How did you mislead me?

I mean that's stuff that I've read about before though

In the past

You know some of the things

It's fairly easy to discredit the theory

Okay alright there you go

Well good I'm glad you fooled me

Thanks a lot

It was twice now

The first time you were on the show and now that

with the Stupid Lost Cosmonauts.

Thanks.

Thanks for nothing.

I'll make it up to you.

Yeah, sure you will.

How's the UK doing, UK Ted?

Is it cold?

Snowing?

No, it was warm today, actually.

Good.

It was like springtime.

Springtime's come already.

Same here, from what I understand.

This is springtime for where I live.

And I didn't even wear a jacket today.

It was pretty nice.

I walked around.

Walked around without a jacket.

I was quite excited about that, UK Ted.

uh uk 10 let's do a prank call here real quick let's call saipan ever heard of saipan me neither

it's not it's in the pacific or something i don't know okay i heard the women there have gorgeous

breasts is that because they wear coconut bra uh-huh yep they naturally grow longer and wider

they jerk down like uh spaniel dogs all right listen wild bills bar and grill in saipan this

This comes from Baz, who married a Saipan.

Can I help you?

Yes, hi.

I would like you to help me.

Okay.

What do you need help?

Yeah.

Well?

Yeah.

Yeah, can you help me?

Yeah, what do you want?

Yeah, I need my wallet.

My wallet.

Over here?

It's the thing where you keep money in.

Yeah, you left it here?

Yeah, I left it there.

You lost?

Uh-huh.

Okay, let me check.

Maybe somewhere.

You have phone number attached?

No, it doesn't have a phone number attached, no.

It's not a phone.

It's just a wallet.

I can call you when I find it.

Well, no, wait a minute.

Where's the report?

Like, don't you have an area that you put all the things you found?

Okay, let me go check and you hold the line, okay?

What?

I go check now.

Oh, you're coming back?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hurry up.

And you hold the, don't hang up.

Okay, I don't hang up.

Okay, okay.

Very nice.

UK Ted, did you ever lose your wallet?

Isn't that bad, man?

It's the worst feeling.

Yeah, I lose things all the time.

one yeah this one time i got out of work and i was smoking pot in a parking lot and then i thought

i lost my wallet and i went back to the gas station that i had used it at last before i went

to smoke pot and actually yelled at the i accused him of lying about it i don't know why i was in a

bad mood i accused they're like oh we don't have wallets like yeah right you know what i left and

then i went to another parking lot and i went to smoke more pot and then i found that in my jeans

pocket the whole time it was in my jeans pocket the whole time and that's when i knew i had a

problem there's nothing in nothing of value in my wallet though so it doesn't really matter if i

lose it yeah it's old condoms yeah here yeah i collect them used condoms yeah the ones i find

on my train tracks gross sci-fi she there so yeah well while we wait on my wallet if you guys want

to send any requests please do so we got a lot of them that have been sent in the request to

prank form we'll be getting to those here shortly yeah did you take my wallet what's going on i

I didn't see any wallet here.

I think you kept the wallet.

I have $300 in the wallet.

I don't know.

Maybe you can call us and we can buy it.

How much money do you make?

Make what?

How much money do you make in your job?

Nothing.

You don't get paid anything?

Yeah.

Well, that's why you stole my wallet.

You give the money?

Uh-huh.

Why do you steal people's wallets and not giving them back, the money back?

To keep your money.

You?

Why do you say I keep your money?

Because you stole my wallet and you said you don't make any money.

so you took my wallet then right you kept it yeah i have 300 huh give it back come get it back why

do you steal people's wallet yeah why i'm asking you stupid yeah why i'm asking you the question

your answer is yeah why yeah i i don't i want to know also yeah why okay so you don't know why you

just like to steal money yeah i don't know why also you steal money okay bye bye are you a bad

bad person yeah what else do you do there do you touch girls do you kiss girl do you kiss

girls or do you kiss boys yeah yeah hey you can't say what you think they're pretty stupid in this

country saipan right is it is it even a real huh they're pretty stupid there right well at least

do you have a prank cool usually i find it usually um people in the subcontinent um indian especially

especially um if you start talking to them like that they they only respond with um and then

and you say something silly and then they go ah and then and then yeah it's so fucking annoying

i know get mad get mad it doesn't help us out here we got a shoulder dude you know speaking

of fake countries i'm i'm interested to know i guess most of the most of the people listening

are american there's a few brits i know um what are you guys get any news reports or anything

about the um the falkland islands um is it even a big issue to you guys no i mean i in history i

know they had the whole hubbub what 20 years ago and i think something else happened a little more

recently but that's um no you guys make a big deal about it there in the media yeah yeah i think we

do well that's not your islands man what why are you laying claim that's argent is argentina right

And you guys that fight over it?

Argentina is claiming it, yeah, and they did 20 years ago.

I'm just interested to know if this makes for headlines at all,

or if it's even something you acknowledge.

No.

No, I mean, I know a lot of history,

just because I look into history and news and stuff like that.

Did something recently happen there?

For some reason, it came recently.

I saw something about the Falklands, and I was like,

uh-oh, they're starting that again.

Was there a recent claim or an argument over it again?

something happened well it's just um i think the uh i don't know if she's president or prime

minister of the of argentina started saber rattling again and then the sean penn of all

people went on record saying that it was british imperialism and uh okay yeah just condemning the

british yeah like the british have a huge empire it wasn't a newspaper article something in a

newspaper or magazine i think right i'm trying to think now some newspaper article from argentina

that was very aggressive about it i think that's what i'd heard i don't know i read an article

recently here uh talking about that but no not really no okay can't tell you um i mean i know

personally but i don't it's we don't really listen to that nope no sir i mean i don't know

anywhere near as much as i should about it i'm just curious to know if um you know if it's even

And of interest to the Americans.

And is it any interest to you?

I mean, what is it?

I can't see why the British would want that.

It's far away.

It doesn't seem very strategic.

I don't know.

A lot of oil, a lot of beef out there, I guess.

Maybe that's why.

Beef, because I'm not like, you know, bad blood.

I'm saying beef, you know, Argentinians are really big on beef.

Yeah.

Cattle.

I'll tell you what.

The best cooked beef in the world that I've ever had is by Argentinians.

they make the best they they have the best way of cooking their beef products man oh my god

you got to get with argentina beef churrasco is what it's called man have you ever been i don't

know if they have those in the uk but you go to a churrasco place and that's the best way to eat

beef man you i'll tell you what i don't know what it is in in pounds but 25 there's a place in

orlando you pay 25 you sit down and they come by with big skewers that are like maybe four maybe

maybe two or three feet long and they have maybe 10 different types of beef

prepared in different ways,

different spices.

They got it with bacon,

you know,

with chicken,

the whole,

all made in these open pits.

And they come around the whole restaurant the whole time.

And they say,

would you like some of this one?

And you're like,

yes,

please.

And they cut it right there for you and put it on your plate.

Sorry,

buddy.

I'm going to have to mute for a couple of minutes just while they vacuum my

office.

Okay.

Sorry.

Bye.

I'm still here though.

You should get a maid.

I'm still listening.

She got a maid to do that.

Seriously, doing women's work.

How embarrassing.

You're embarrassed for yourself, and your father must be embarrassed about you.

That's UK Ted is going to do the women's work now and not get paid extra for it.

It's not me doing it.

Oh, someone else is doing it?

Is it a Jamaican lady?

You can't talk about it.

Big Ken's on the line.

Ken.

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, I got your message.

You got a ban from the forums, the new system on the forums.

Was that you?

Yeah, I tried to sign up on there.

All right.

I've been saying in the last few weeks

the forums are bombarded with spam

I've implemented the nuclear option

and now it's banning people

when you try to sign up

it happened to you because you have a Hotmail account

it doesn't like Hotmail accounts

so I don't know why you have a Hotmail account

you're American

I've had it for probably

7-8 years

get yourself a Google account

a Gmail or something else

and forward that Hotmail account over to it

get out of it

man what's wrong with you everyone looks down on hotmail that's almost as bad as having an

email account you know well what's next you have a geocities web page for yourself

seriously ken no seriously come on man it's like hanging around with myspace and shit still right

yeah hotmail is so september 10th dirty aaron's here and he'll agree with you dirty aaron doesn't

mess with hotmail don't you dare to aaron no hotmail for me thank you see should all take a

cube we should all learn something from dirty aaron good work sir no thank you let's continue

with the prank calls and one here that i'm very excited with and i'm hoping you gentlemen will

stay quiet while i do this one feel free to jump in a different prank store at the night but for

this one it's carlos time that's my name my real name if you didn't figure it out um we have a

submission here from i thought it was hot carl hot carl rbcp sending a new carding victim all right

In Indiana, Brad Carter writes,

Hi sir, this lady left a voicemail for me on Wednesday, that would be yesterday,

saying she found a note on her car that I dinged it.

She didn't leave her name, but I looked her up on TNID.org.

My name is Roy. Okay, technical difficulties here.

Here we go, got it fixed. All right, good, let's do it.

Hello?

Yes, hi, my name is Roy. You left me a voicemail yesterday, a message.

I'm sorry I didn't get to you before.

before my girlfriend's been in jail, and I was having to tend to that.

Hang on. I'll put him on.

Hello?

Yes, ma'am. My name is Roy.

I think someone there left a voicemail for me.

I had hit your car. I left you that note.

Yeah. What's your deal?

Well, I dinged your car in an accident,

and I think the proper thing to do is to leave a note there for you to give me a call.

I just wanted to explain that I dinged your car.

Well, what parking lot was it in?

Hmm?

Was it in the Walmart parking lot?

I believe so.

Uh, it was at Walmart and Kroger's, so I don't know, I didn't know which one it was.

I didn't notice until I got to Walmart.

Yeah, well, in Walmart, but, I mean, I hope there's not going to be some type of issue here,

any problem between me and you, that you're going to get disrespectful and nasty.

I'm a pretty straightforward going guy.

Okay, so I'm sure you saw the damage. I did my best to fix it.

Where'd you hit it at exactly?

Um, well, it got kicked around the back, around where the gas tank, uh, the things to the gas tank goes.

Yeah.

It got kicked a few times back there.

You kicked it?

Yeah, and then there's some coat hanger marks on the window.

Why would there be coat hanger marks on the window?

I was trying to get inside of the car, but...

Inside my car?

Yeah.

Why?

To fix the ding.

And then you had...

I just was looking at the car.

Why would you kick my car?

Well, I got into an argument with my girlfriend,

and then you were parked way too close to me.

You were parked way too close to me in the parking lot.

You parked really wrong.

like you were too close to the line?

No, I don't park close to the line.

I park right in the middle.

Well, you did this time

because you would not have gotten your car kicked by me

because I got angry.

And I hope you learned your lesson now

to learn you had to park right in the middle.

You get too close to the line there

and someone like me with little patience

might get upset and kick the car.

But then my wife made a big deal about it

so then I left the note.

I thought it was your girlfriend.

No, she's in jail.

I kicked the car.

We got into an argument.

What about your wife?

I don't have a wife.

My girlfriend.

You just said you had a wife.

No, I said I had a girlfriend.

You just said my wife.

My girlfriend.

Why would you kick my car?

I told you, Ray.

You were parked too close to me, and I got into an argument with my girlfriend.

But that's my car, not yours, so kick your own car.

Well, no.

You were the one that parked wrong.

Well, what's your phone number here?

Well, you obviously have the caller ID there, right?

I mean, I don't know what the big deal is.

You gave me a call back, even.

Yeah, I got the number here.

I've already called the police.

Like, I got them on the other line.

They're listening to the conversation right now.

Oh, what's the police officer's name?

Can you ask him?

His name is Roy Rogers.

Roy Rogers, yeah?

Oh, wow, yeah.

I had his hamburgers once.

You're very stupid.

Stupid?

Yeah.

What the hell?

I just want to know why you kicked my car.

I told you because you don't know how to drive.

Because I don't know how to drive.

You don't know how to park a car.

You park like a Mexican.

You know nothing about me.

Yeah, I know you can't drive for shit.

I know you can't park a car.

I know I watched you from the other end of the parking lot.

You watched me park my car.

No, no, no.

After I kicked your car.

And you parked next to me to kick my fucking car?

Excuse me, ma'am.

After I kicked your car, I parked...

You little punk motherfucker.

Lady, listen.

There's no need to get so upset at me, ma'am.

Be a lady and I'll be a gentleman, okay?

You're probably some little punk shit-taker.

How about you get your shit pushed in every night?

What the hell is your problem?

Very classy.

That's very classy for a woman to talk like that.

You're obviously not American.

Where are you from?

mom do you have a mom dirty little mouth on you lady a mom yeah your mom i got your mom right here

listen what i did was i kicked your car then i parked on the other side of the parking lot to

watch you with my you know from the other end of the uh parking lot just to see you know if you

were intimidating or not and you weren't dating or not and you weren't obviously you kicked my car

because you're mad at your girlfriend which is first time you said was your wife no listen

listen, I kicked, I got into an argument with my girlfriend. Okay. Because I was complaining

that you didn't know how to park because you parked so close to me. So then I got out and I

said, if you don't like this, if you don't like the argument, then how about this? And I started

kicking your car and then we got into even bigger fight. And then she made me put a note on your car

to apologize. And I tried to put the note inside the car and I use the coat hanger, but you don't,

you have one of those cars that the locks you can't open with a coat hanger yeah yeah so i mean

but there wasn't no damage to my car there's definitely damage on the bottom like towards

the skirt down there it's all kicked up i kicked i i fixed most of it because it's fiberglass you

have a cheap fucking car was you wearing a skirt when you did this no no sir you must not know how

to kick because there's no damage done to it how did you fix it are you blind or something are you

stupid how would you my fucking car can you put your husband on the line yeah here yes sir hey

yeah how can i help you yeah what's her problem i don't understand my problem no his you're the he

she's the she yeah you car yeah exactly because were you the one driving it or was it him

sorry everybody hung up whatever play along with the i'm sorry what do you call me back for i just

want to apologize i want to know how you fix my car because i'm looking at it right now and there's

no damage i have tools under the gas tank yeah how do you fix it i mean how did you fix it i have

tools in my trunk that i use i do body work i do frame bending stuff like that you're a body guy

well i do that and other things um do you have any do you have an insurance card i'm unemployed

well i'd like your insurance to be honest with you because my insurance company i already called

to report it and they said i need your insurance information are you kicking my car because you

get pissed at your wife yeah i mean you're yeah you're liable for this and someone's gonna pay

pay for all this and i sure am not because i've been unemployed so what so what you're telling me

is you kick my car because i'm liable for you kicking it yeah you are you parked wrong and

pedestrians have the right of way and you got in the way of me walking and it's your problem and

maybe i would have been cooperative but ever since i gave you a call to help out with a situation

you called me uh you made fun of my gender you said i'm a woman you made fun of my girlfriend

friend you you said cocksucker motherfucker to me and all that stuff i don't know that

you sit and said that i was a girl i was confused huh well i was talking to your wife there your

girlfriend whoever that is oh no no you was talking to me you said can you put your husband

on the phone uh maybe i was confused i don't i don't know are you a dope head or something do

you do drugs i mean who goes around kicking somebody's car you see there you go again being

and rude do you want me to be i'm asking you if you're on drugs no was you under the influence

of drugs when you kicked my car not drugs no well what was you under the influence of then

when you kicked my car they're legal you heard of bath salts asphalt bath salts like you buy

these bath salts that you snort and they're legal and this uh synthetic uh coat k2 you know what

that is you mean things you put in the bathtub yeah but they sell them now so you can you know

know put them up your nose why would you put them up your nose to get you know get you know get high

so you was under the influence of bath salt and you kicked my car yeah but the bath salts are

legal so you can't do anything about that i mean well what are you doing now i'm just drinking a

beer how old are you 19 yeah i could do something about that that's illegal what's so it's illegal

to buy it not to drink it oh it's illegal to buy it and drink it oh okay well it's a good thing

you already have the police on the line stupid who supplied the alcohol to you that your friend

or was it your girlfriend that's in jail well why is your girlfriend in jail because we got into a

fight was she on bath salts too yeah kind of that's it started with that yeah i don't know

why you kicked my car i mean there's no damage done it's because of the bath salts and i told

you i do frame frame and body work frame bending body work painting stuff like that but i mean i

i've been unemployed for a long time so you painted it well no i didn't paint it but i do

do that type of work i used to work for mako you know what mako is that company yeah who do you

work for now i'm unemployed i'm on unemployment i've been looking for work but i i work for my

own like i do work on the side with my tools so i was on to maybe i give you an invoice for the

repair and all that like uh could i ask how you uh thirty dollars heard from your job hmm if you're

if you're so fast at fixing cars why did you get fired from your job mexicans took my jobs

Mexicans?

Yeah, the Mexicans taking all our jobs.

And then the bath salts, too.

Yeah, their backs are wet.

No, I don't know.

Give me your insurance number, and I'm going to turn in my insurance.

I'm going to get it checked out by a real...

No, I'd like...

Do you have an email address I can send you the information?

Oh, yeah, I do.

All right.

Well, I'd like to also send you just the invoice.

Invoice for what?

For the car repair.

Car repair?

Well, for the body work that I did.

I mean, it's not much.

I mean, I'm just doing it for cost, but...

How much was it?

Well, I'm just going to charge you maybe like, well, like the bath salts are, I can get three one-ounce bags for $10 each.

Why would I pay for your bath salts?

Well, no, you're not paying for the bath salts.

You're paying for the repair work I did.

So I think, you know, $30, I can get three baggies, and that would be good for the weekend.

Are you crazy?

No, I really need these bath salts.

You don't understand.

I can't get off of them.

Hang on.

Give me a second.

Huh?

What are you doing?

Toast.

Are you snorting bath salts on the phone right now?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Hey, man, I'm sorry.

Do you have problems?

No, I'm sorry.

This is a big misunderstanding.

What are you going to give me for damaging my car?

I mean, you kicked the car.

Well, I'll give you...

I fixed the car.

I'll give you $30, and then I'll invoice you $60.

You just want me to pay for your bath salts, right?

Is that what you're saying?

Can you help me out?

Can I help you out?

Yeah.

Why would I give you money for kicking my car?

I fixed your car.

You said you kicked my car and damaged my car.

I tried to get into my car to fix it, then you said you fixed it.

But I fixed it, right? Amazing.

That's not amazing. I was only in Walmart for three hours.

You cannot fix my car in three hours.

I did. I didn't kick it that bad.

I've got a scam.

Yeah, are you trying to scam us here?

No, no, no. Seriously, if you look at the car, it's a beautiful job I did on the car.

You yourself said you can't even see the damage.

Yeah, I mean, I had my dad look at the car and stuff.

that we've looked at the car a couple times and there's nothing wrong with the car yeah

your dad's a faggot thirty dollars yeah that's the phone with that for bad salt your dad's a

faggot my dad's a faggot i'm sorry it was the bad salts talking why would you call my father

a faggot i don't know you're right i don't know him you're right maybe he's just bisexual or

something i don't know he sounds you know here here talk to my father about that would you like

like to talk to my father sure sounds like a nice man hello yes ma'am yes ma'am hi i'm john's father

you're john's father yeah now so there you go prove my point well that you're gay you're a fag

faggot you know yeah put the father on the phone i don't want to talk to you lady unless you want

to fuck i don't want to talk to you your goddamn problem hey how you doing there hoss i'm not doing

too good uh you you're trying to scam my son here out of 30 dollars or something you can get your

You're goddamn dope.

It's bath salt, sir.

It's legal.

It's not dope.

You're using it for dope.

You're hooked on it.

And he ain't giving you no goddamn $30.

Well, I fixed his goddamn car, son of a bitch.

You didn't even do nothing to his car, buddy.

I went out there and looked at it.

That car ain't been wrecked.

What do you know about cars?

I know.

I went out there and looked.

You don't know shit.

I know you're a goddamn crook.

Faggots don't know about cars.

You're a goddamn crook.

What do you know about cars?

You can't even drive.

And you're on dope and you're probably drunk right now.

That's why you're calling him here to try to get $30.

Crazy, blind, diabetic old man.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to scam him.

Do they have any work I can do?

You're a scammer.

No.

It ain't going to work.

Please, please.

It ain't going to work.

You don't know how hard it is.

I can't get bad thoughts out of my mind.

I don't give a goddamn about a bad thought.

You're not scamming him.

Do you have any beer or something?

I don't know.

Can you buy me a beer?

Honey, I couldn't afford to buy a beer.

Then what do you know about cars?

You don't know anything about cars.

I'm not going to buy your goddamn dope for you.

Faggot.

Goddamn dope head.

I'm not a dope head.

That's not nice.

It's bath salt.

Goddamn snorting son of a bitch.

It's bath salt.

Your wife's probably in goddamn jail.

I don't have a wife.

I have a girlfriend.

Fill them bath salts for your ass.

That's true.

You probably got her sent off.

Goddamn habit you're doing.

Yeah, it is, actually.

I put her on the street.

She got picked up for prostitution.

Yeah, she probably did just to get your goddamn shit.

She did.

That is true.

It's not funny, sir.

That is what happened.

I believe it.

I know how you guys operate.

That's all you're worried about is something going up your nose.

That's true.

That's all you're looking for is to rip somebody off.

I'm sorry.

You're not going to aggravate me.

I'm going to get tail off her, and you're not getting no goddamn $30 from him.

Well, can he buy some bath salts for me?

Get that shit.

If you go to the gas station, they have them for $10, the bath salts.

Yeah, goddamn $10 and goddamn a bath salt.

Goddamn you.

And goddamn you, too, because you ain't getting no goddamn $10, $30.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

Goddamn you to hell, goddamn it.

Yeah, yeah.

Motherfucker.

Yeah.

Son of a bitch.

Goddamn motherfucker.

Oh, you goddamn you.

Goddamn you in the ass.

Motherfucker.

God damn you, shit in the ass, bitch.

God damn fucker.

Fuck, shit, god damn it.

I'll be snorting bath salts up your god damn nose so you can snort something up your ass.

I know you don't got a god damn clear.

I'm sorry.

I know you're sorry.

I'm sorry about all this.

I know you're sorry.

It ain't going to work here.

Is there any work?

It won't work.

Can I fix something for you?

I'll fix everything.

Get you some god damn help.

Can I park your car?

I'll get you some god damn help.

You motherfucker.

Get your girlfriend off the street, punk.

Go get yourself some help.

What was your name, buddy?

Go get yourself some help.

Do you go to church?

Yeah, I go to church.

Well, you think maybe you could introduce me to the pastor to get me some help?

I wouldn't even talk to him about it.

I need help.

I'm trying to help too much.

I ain't got time for you.

Please, I'll give you $30.

Well, you give me the $30 and I'll do that.

And then you buy me the bath salts and you bring them to me.

Oh, I ain't buying shit to bring to you.

you. You give me the $30, I'll talk

to him. Did you check the car?

Are you sure you checked the car? I checked the car

and ain't a goddamn thing wrong with it.

And like I told him, you're doing nothing but trying

to scam him. Well, you're... Because you're a goddamn

scammer. It's probably because you're so stupid and

old and blind. Oh, well, you're a sorry-ass

work punk. You're trying to scam somebody

and it ain't gonna work. You're just an old man.

The car ain't fucking been wrecked. You're an old man

who can't see right. You kicked the fucking car.

Oh, God. Dog.

Dog. You're getting... You got a fucking

foot up your ass. You're getting

between me and my drugs.

Listen, give me my dope.

You're getting between me and my dope money.

Pick my foot up, you fucking ass, motherfucker.

Bad salts.

I'll kill my mother for bad salts.

Give them to me.

Ugh.

Back here, you're wasting your goddamn time.

Goddamn $30.

I'm losing my patience with you.

I fixed the car, now give me my money.

Bad salts has really messed your fucking mind up.

You're acting like a friggin' 12-year-old.

Oh, God.

God, assholes have taken control of me.

I asked you to help me, to ask for help.

Oh, God.

Can't get the monkey off of my back.

You're all I need from you.

You brought my phone bill up a goddamn nut beer.

Goddamn, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

You sicko.

No.

You should get your ass some help.

What happened?

I blacked out for a while.

Yeah.

You need to go get some help.

It happens sometimes to go through these episodes.

I lose control.

Well, you need to.

That's what you're trying to act like you fucking tore somebody's car up and fixed it.

You didn't tear up shit.

You're just trying to scam him out of $30.

I don't have anything else.

I have a lot of everything.

It ain't going to work here.

It might work for somebody else, buddy, but it ain't going to work here.

Do you have anybody I can call?

Like anybody in your family?

No.

Nobody's going to help you.

You're going to help your goddamn sorry self.

Goddamn you.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn you.

Goddamn you right in the face.

Goddamn your sorry ass.

Goddamn you to hell.

Goddamn you, buddy.

You got to help your own sorry fucking self.

God damn you and your coffin.

You're pitiful.

You're fucking pitiful.

You're a fucking junkie.

Listen, I was a high school quarterback.

You're a salt junkie.

I was a high school quarterback.

I was the king of the prom.

Look at me now.

Yeah, look at you now.

No, I just had bath salts.

Well, uh-

The way I'm here, your scam ain't working.

All right, fine.

Well, God damn you in the ass.

God damn you.

God damn you, fuck.

God damn you.

God damn you, asshole.

God damn you.

You, you dope-headed motherfucker.

And that you don't.

I don't think you're old, Paul, because I know you ain't talking about me because I'm not damn bit old.

I'm talking about the old man who's talking to me on the phone now.

I'm praying to you, Lord, that when he dies tonight, that you don't open up your arms for him in the heavenly gates

and you send him to eternal damnation in the fires of hell for all the crimes he's committing,

for not getting paid for the services that were rendered to his son's car.

In God's name we pray.

God damn him.

God damn you, sir.

God damn you, you God damn dopehead.

God damn son of a bitch.

Get off the dope, punk.

Can I talk to the girl?

Get off the dope, punk.

Let me talk to the girl.

I'm hanging up here, you God damn dopeheaded motherfucker.

Bye, God damn bitch.

I'll be calling back here, God damn you.

God damn you, God damn it.

I'll call back, God damn it.

God damn you.

God damn it.

God damn you.

You're probably a beer drinker.

You probably smoke weed and every God damn thing else.

And cocaine.

bath salts

a little heroin

you ain't nothing

but a god damn punk

you'd

you'd probably

fuck a guy in the ass

and wouldn't even have

the decency

to give him

a god damn reach around

you'd fuck a guy in the ass

and put your dick

in his mouth

right after

what you'd do

nasty fucker

yeah you are

god damn it

you got your god damn

mind warped

god damn it

putting that shit

up your god damn nose

and put it in a needle

hang up

I command you

to hang up

the god damn phone

I'm gonna listen to you

cause I'm off of here

I command you.

God damn you.

Wow.

That was fun.

God damn it.

Sounds like an interesting family.

That old man was full of vinegar in the tub.

Wow.

That got really good when the old man got on it, because it was starting to go south.

You should have asked him if he could have sniffed those bath salts off his ass or something.

That would have really got him going.

I was like, I could just keep arguing.

God damn it.

All I had to say was, God damn you.

God damn you.

God damn it.

God damn, motherfucker.

God damn.

I mean, for a man that goes to church, he sure loves saying god damn.

God damn!

He wants to talk about your gay ethics, too,

about how you won't give the other men a reach around and shit.

I hurt my nose doing that.

Holy shit.

You certainly knew a lot about gays.

Wow.

The white devil turned into the black devil there.

There's a deeper voice.

I never heard that at the end.

The white devil turned into the dark devil.

Hey, Carlo, did you happen to see the phone number from last week

when you called him down in Orlando?

orlando and uh you asked or you uh called him a fag and he started flipping out he's like i'm

gonna fuck you up and even if i can't i'm gonna come after you then his girlfriend got on the

line yeah who was that i don't who did who sent the number in i don't think you did someone did

it wasn't me i can't remember who sent it in but it was down in orlando somewhere yeah yeah

he started talking about his defense to like getting beat up with he's gonna fuck you in the

ass yeah well that's like that's what i said i'm gonna fuck your ass and put it in your mouth

That's what he said to me.

He said, I'm going to fuck your ass and I'm going to put her in the mouth.

I'm sure it's here somewhere.

I'd have to do some rooting around, but that guy was pretty good.

What was his name?

Anyone remembers out there?

Hey, man.

It was a request of me, and they said all they did was call him fag or something like that,

and he flips out.

Let me look here.

Some people are very sensitive about their sexuality.

Looks like I found it.

Richie sent it in.

Not sure of his name.

I call him Classy Chill Fag.

There we go.

That's it.

Hey, man, sorry I haven't been around.

Pranked this guy with someone.

He told me he hurts people, goes to jail, then hurts them when he gets out again.

Okay, I got it.

This is in Alabama, though.

Oh, no, it's South Florida.

It's South Florida.

My number comes up as an Orlando number, but he's in Fort Lauderdale.

Bath salts.

I think the title of the show is going to be Goddamn Bath Salts.

That was awesome.

God damn it.

Thank you, RBCP.

Great, great number.

Thanks for passing it on.

Hello.

God damn it.

You son of a bitch.

He hung right up.

You don't want to talk?

No kidding.

Sorry, I'm a new.

You sound so friendly there, eh?

Try again.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey.

God damn it.

Talking to you, bitch.

God damn it.

Give him a few more minutes.

Maybe he'll, uh, maybe later in the show he'll play, you know?

Needs a little time to warm up to you.

He was all warmed up last week, man.

All about the warm love.

I'll mark it.

Remind me, too, if I forget.

God damn it.

We're going to keep saying God damn it all night.

Horse.

God damn it.

Horse.

God damn it.

All right.

right snob space sent in a number yesterday uh in norway pretend i'm calling from facebook inc

about the site blah blah blah tell them that they still will sue i guess he had taken a some guy

took out a domain name 12stepfacebook.com uh some years ago and he got into trouble with facebook

over it uh he recommends that we call saying now that facebook has an ipo or whatever did that go

down that didn't go down did it they haven't filed that ipo yet have they you guys wouldn't know i

I don't think you guys are in there.

I don't think it happened.

What was that?

12-step Facebook.

12-step or one-two-step Facebook.

12-step Facebook, something like that.

But, yeah, I guess, what's his face?

Mark Zucker, whatever.

Zuckerberg?

Zuckerkorn?

Forgot his name, man.

I hear they're making him go public because it's got too big.

Yeah, but he stands to become, like, one of the richest guys in the world.

He's going to have, like, Bill Gates money pretty soon.

Fucking guy is younger than me.

That shit.

You know, good on him.

Whatever, man.

An American dream.

The Mark Guy.

Calling goddamn Norway, goddammit.

Ah, no answer there.

Sorry.

Anyway, a lot of turnout here tonight.

We got 121 listeners live.

Thanks, everyone, for tuning in.

As I've said a thousand times already.

We'll correct what's up to everyone in the chat room.

Something we do about this time.

Big new news in there.

Holding things down.

The only other op.

Because UK Ted wanted to complain about so many ops.

so now there we go there you go you guys wanted uh uk ted wanted to you know have a simple uh

setup here so there we go bone thuggish crazy bastard won't thuggish into big dark strangers

in the house enigma enigma she uh he or she enigma is just a mystery to me uh gregulate

holidays spessa corrupt corruption caraz msc3 clay npsa cobra rbcp rbcp underscore

underscore wacky tabachi is in there tabachi i heard you're gonna is it true you're gonna start

editing kdk's shows that's kind of cool i'm gonna help him out he's always complaining he can't edit

his shows let me know that's true because if it is you deserve um you deserve props for that the

end is here uk dave is uk dave now wow amd is in the house big baz who sent in a number at

side pad first call we did car wash we got a big reception last week big toke chelsea b

dirty aaron is also here with us big ken zinner duluth uh big maven royale with cheese aka quarter

pounder with cheese here in the united states sporty board stay high and uk ted last and most

definitely at least tabachi says he's editing for old kdk shows for prank call albums all right

that's cool awesome he's scamming you he's scamming you i'm kidding that's good

Prankers need to unite

I was talking to Ted

Ted Webb about this the other day

You know

If it isn't

It's good that some of the older prankers

Are starting to come back around now

I got a little pissed off though

Maybe it's jealousy

Maybe it's just me being girly and stupid

But I listened to that

Johnny Brennan

He's got the Jerky Boys show

His podcast

And he's on there

Now he thinks he's Mr. Internet Prank Call Podcast Master now.

And it's fucking bullshit because, yeah, you know, I got to give respect where respect is due.

You know, I came up as a kid listening to the Jerky Boys and him and Kamal,

John and B and Kamal doing prank calls, among others, of course.

But, you know, he disappeared from the game for just about goddamn near 10 years, goddammit.

and it was people like me and fucking you know kdk dr lego rev um people like us that kept the

fucking scene going here that we've got you know what i mean he didn't do anything for the last 10

fucking years and now he's now now that we've you know built a kind of a culture here and shit

you know and gotta kept the prank call scene alive well he became mr hollywood doing fucking

fucking voices and commercials and fucking family guy and shit.

Now he wants to come back and do a podcast and act like he's the king of pranks again.

It's fucking bullshit, man.

I don't appreciate that.

You know what pisses off me the most is the fact that I got an email either from him or from his fucking people like,

oh, yeah, you know, promote Johnny B's new podcast on your show and on your website and this and that.

We really appreciate it.

and i was like well that's you know like you know he you know maybe you could you know call in

sometime to your show or you can call in his show oh yeah that sounds cool i got all excited about

it and then like that was the last i ever heard i was like i was like yeah i'll try to you know

call in or talk to him or be on his show or something or something like that never heard

back nothing nothing at all i think we should phone him yeah it's just yeah well he's got a

skype account he's got a number on skype he's got a phone number and every episode he plays

there's a few bits at the beginning but all you hear on there is like people sucking his sucking

his fucking ass and saying oh yeah you're the fucking best of prank calls and this and that

yeah i mean he has some good prank calls but all this show is nothing but old pranks it's the same

fucking pranks you heard from him like since the fucking 1990s god damn it is this a declaration

of war it's not a declaration of war it's a declaration he needs to give respect to us man

you know he needs to give respect to us here that kept the fucking uh you know minded the

the fucking store and worked fucking hard you know amongst a lot of bullshit to get a prank

call scene on the internet going here you know people like blackout fucking everybody man zolar

uh friday night pranks all of them even the fucking uh what's phone losers too phone losers

yeah i didn't mean to forget that i mean okay let's go tea bag even the prank net i'm willing

to go i like to go find uh kamal because they're bitter enemies now they hate each they hate each

Kamal and Johnny B don't get along at all.

I'm willing to try to find Kamal and get him to come on our show.

That'd be fucking, that'd be funny.

Well, it sucks that he said that he would do that, come on the show,

and then he's out there trying to, you know, jump all over the number one spot.

Well, it's not that he's coming out saying I'm the king of prank calls,

but you just, you know, you certainly get the feeling now that he's like,

you know, oh, yeah, I've been doing this all along.

It's like, well, you haven't, man.

He's got that attitude like he's top shit.

yeah yeah and i'm not saying that he's not the time again it's it's like me coming out you know

yeah you know i wouldn't i wouldn't be doing prank call shows the shit right now wasn't for

the jerky boys and for him i'll be honest with you that shit is the best that he and kamal were

definitely the most successful prank cars of all time because they made a bit they made a movie out

of it they had platinum selling cds they're the epitome of what any prank car would want to be

when it comes to this you know level that we do it at if you want to call it that but then again

he should be giving some props to everybody else and i'm not talking about just about me i mean

everybody fucking else who does prank calls and has a podcast or has a website that does prank

calls like where's the fucking love man well for him to go dormant then come back after all that

time you don't just you know reprise that position that you were at you gotta you know get pumped

back up and you know kind of do a little something yeah i'm saying maybe bring some of

of the guys like like you and and tuck and these other guys and uh rbcp on the show and you know

kind of make a bridge you know in between when he was gone that's true yeah because i came on

i was all promoting and i was like hey man everyone check out this podcast i was putting

on my own podcast because i got that email from his people they're all you know they're like hey

you know i was like cool and i never heard back i sent uh two emails you know and and i got one

response from like whoever's agent is like oh that's awesome yeah i'm gonna pass it on to johnny

he'll get back to you never heard back i haven't tried to call a skype number to leave a message

or nothing because at this point it's fucking no but whatever yeah i'm off my soapbox i'm just

saying where's the love man come on bullshit christopher curtis big chris is here whatever

you go by how you doing man yeah cobra that's the cobra guy hey cobra yeah what that's hi

that's hi hello how are you all right moving on i got a problem here what's that freak damn it

wow train wreck moving right along let's do some more pranks that uh norway shit didn't go through

and i'm just in a bad mood now uh we gotta go i don't think we should do any pranks until

yeah we'll be here for seven more years uh melbourne australia we got big d this guy is

an asshole i don't know uh any of you want to do this dirty aaron

Dirty Aaron

Melbourne, Australia

Is there any background noise in my

Nope, I don't hear it

I gotta call back because my Skype won't stop ringing

Alright, are you using Android Skype?

Yeah

Yeah, that happens to me too, I don't know why

Restart the whole thing

Yeah, the Android Skype does that sometimes

Alright man

Meanwhile, you should stick your dick in Johnny B's mouth

Oh yeah, I'm on it

I'm headed to New York right now

Alright, Dirty Aaron, you're on. Invalid phone number.

God damn it. Missing a country

code. What's the country code in Australia

now? I don't know.

Johnny Brennan must have sent that number in.

Probably. Bastard.

There we go. Got it.

Australia has a nice flag.

Very nice, pretty flag.

You have reached the message bank of private

number. Private number.

Hello? Big D. Answer the phone.

Asshole. Alright.

Johnny Brennan. Johnny Brennan.

Answer the phone. Johnny B. Answer the

fucking phone. Alright. Moving right along.

next call uh that's that was a car ding maybe we'll call that guy back yeah tabachi yes are you

back cobra yeah we're back we're back on we're live all right good no ringing either good awesome

no it's perfect yeah yeah it does that does that at random i know uh we got a temperamental 20

some year old ghetto male posted his number on your open book.org called him several times and

and have had fun exchanging profane words.

Okay, good.

His name is Josh Brown.

He lives in Massachusetts.

Dabachi sent this in.

All right.

Anybody?

Well, Aaron, you're on this one, right?

Sure.

Cool.

Josh Brown.

He's an African-American man?

Yes, an African-American.

Very good.

I feel sorry for Josh already.

Josh, yeah.

The deck's stacked against him already.

Ring.

Well, you reached the phone of Josh.

I'm sorry I couldn't get to it right now.

All right, nope.

He didn't sound ghetto enough for me.

Yeah, I know.

All right.

We had the rapper last week at In Some Ghetto

at all. He sounded like Urkel.

Oh, man.

Nobody gets more ghetto than the Asiatics.

Where's Milkman?

Tried calling him all day. Called him in the morning

and called him when I got home from work.

Called him like four times before the show started.

Can't find him.

Is he dead again? I don't know. He might be.

He might be in the hospital again. I don't know.

I'll try him in a little bit.

He had a little group action in the back of his taxi last night.

He's at a rave right now.

Carlito, when was the last time you called one of those

like the gay chat room or whatever.

I don't know.

It's been a while.

Well, me and Artie,

like when I wasn't doing shows

and I was recovering from my surgery over the summer,

we were calling every day

like on our own time to prank a chat line.

And one part of it was gay,

one part was straight.

And we were having a lot of fun with it.

See, do you think Johnny Brennan

makes prank calls on his personal time?

I think he should send it for the money.

No.

No, he doesn't have time for that shit.

What is he doing anyway?

He doesn't say.

I don't know.

Family Guy.

I don't watch that much Family Guy.

I'll be honest with you.

Family Guy is all right.

I watch bits and pieces of Family Guy.

Something about the show turns me off.

And it's not necessarily the show that turns me off.

It's what's-his-face, the fucking dude behind it, Seth whatever.

Seth MacFarlane.

For some reason, I don't like the guy.

I mean, I don't hate on him.

I just don't find him particularly funny.

I watch Family Guy sometimes, but it annoys me a little bit.

But is that character on a lot on Family Guy?

Is he doing an every episode kind of thing?

I have no idea.

Yeah, I didn't think it was.

I have no idea.

I don't know.

He's doing a commercial for Lee Jeans, which I didn't even know they sell Lee Jeans anymore.

Like, who wears Lee Jeans?

What's his Family Guy character?

J.C. Penney.

Yeah, Kmart.

Yeah, I guess.

Kmart, J.C. Penney.

Kmart sells Lee Jeans.

Arizona jeans.

Yeah, so I got a number here.

It's supposed to be the United Kingdom, but the flag looks like Russia.

I don't know what the fuck this is.

Dave the Rave calls me all the time, pisses me off.

He calls me at all times of the day.

Okay.

Ask him about buses and having sex with them.

He knows all about it.

I know it sounds sick.

Okay, cool.

He's a bus fucker?

I guess.

Here we go.

Dave the Rave, fucking buses.

is either Russia or this is

invalid. Who sent this in? Red Sloth

man? You did this last week to us, man.

Probably another cell phone.

I guess. Fix your shit, man.

Do you want to post the number in the

Skype chat and I'll see if I can

fix it. You're going to scrub it? Good deal.

Alright, I'll do that.

Skype phone machine. There you go. That's what I got

from the guy there, buddy. Did it come through?

Yeah. Okay, good.

Work on that, UKT. I did a little project

for you there on the side. In between

Between your vacuuming and stapling and documentaries.

And killing prostitutes.

He doesn't kill prostitutes.

That's not nice to say.

Is that what hotels are for?

That's for fucking prostitutes.

That's not part of rape.

I don't kill prostitutes.

I kill ladies.

Oh, man.

There's a whole lot of fucking in hotels.

I don't know what.

I heard most people go there to fuck.

That's what I go to hotels for.

A whole lot of fucking.

Unifam by myself.

I don't fucking.

Tabachi sent in another number here.

here. Oh, Lonesome Losers here, by the way. I forgot

to mention. What's up, man? Lots of

numbers from him already. Uncle Tom's

Liquors.

Alright, cool.

Uncle Tom.

King Kong Barbecue Restaurant.

Cobra Security. Yeah, we talked to them a few

years ago. I'll have to play that prank first.

That's awesome. That little alarm thing

I was playing. And Mama's

Spaghetti House. We got that there

in Honolulu, okay?

Yeah.

Bristol. I think I got it

sorted you got it sorted out all right let me do i already copied this number here let me do it and

then i'll do that one then we'll head over to lonesome uh to buy you should be able to click

on it excuse me okay sounds good we got a number in oregon for an elderly person absolutely that's

all i got i gotta mute for a second okay uk tab would you like to prank call an elderly person

i don't know i feel bad pranking the elderly oh what was the pretty didn't didn't you have

me prank call an american you said i want to prank a regular american and we did that last

Yeah, that didn't work very well, did it?

They hang up quickly.

Yeah, it was funny.

Feels bad pranking the elderly, but yet, when we call the UK...

Yet he'll own up everybody in the chatroom, and that's very rude.

Just saying.

I'm kidding.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from the National Water Association.

I was calling to get your information about your water license, which, as you have not passed recently...

You dirty, crooked bunch of bastards.

Yeah?

You know damn good well there's nothing wrong with my water.

You don't know anything about it.

Your water's a piece of shit.

Trying to get me on a trick.

Huh?

Goodbye.

Holy shit.

I thought it was joking.

I thought it was someone trying to...

That was Grandpa Simpson.

That guy's obviously got, like, four purple hearts.

Hello?

Hello, yes, sir.

Do you have any purple hearts?

Do I what?

Do you have any purple hearts?

No, I don't have purple hearts.

I've got silver stars and bronze stars and all that.

Is that because you're a faggot you couldn't work hard enough to get a purple heart?

What?

Were you a faggot and you didn't get a purple heart?

Is that why?

No, I didn't get really injured.

Why not?

Were you hiding?

I served in three wars.

Were you cleaning?

Okay.

Where were you in?

Let me guess.

In Europe.

In Panama?

Invasion of Panama?

No.

Hell, there's no wars in Panama.

That's just sexy house.

Six, yeah.

I was in Europe.

You were in Europe.

In England, and France, and Belgium.

In Belgium.

Did you do any parachute drops?

No, I was a fighter pilot.

You were a fighter pilot?

Really?

Yes.

That's interesting.

Did you ever get shot down a lot?

No, but I bailed out.

You bailed out?

You were too chicken?

You got scared?

Yeah, right.

Well, listen, I wanted you to speak in front of our high school.

We're looking for a war hero to come speak in front of the association,

The Water Association in the high school this year.

The Water Association?

Yeah, where we're going to honor you with a potluck dinner.

They were going to give you $5,000 in one of those big checks, you know, those really big checks.

No, forget it.

Come on, you're a hero.

You know where I live?

I live in Albany.

Yeah, we know that.

And it's the wettest piece of world, and we've got water everywhere.

Yeah, but it's not clean water.

Yes, we got clean water.

The Water Association has to clean it first.

Oh, bullshit.

No, it's not bullshit.

If you drink that water out there without, you're going to get diarrhea.

God damn it.

No, let me tell you.

The water was just fine until everybody started playing with it.

I know.

That's why we're here.

I've drank pure water.

I learned to swim in the Willamette River and everything else.

All right.

It was fine until all the politicians got into it.

Listen, my concern is that you're having a lot of fluoride in your water.

You understand that's a problem.

You know what fluoride does to you?

Oh, bullshit.

Hell, do you know there are plans to put fluoride in ice cream?

I'm watching television.

Good night.

Children's ice cream?

Get your mat locks on.

Is that really?

It's not one of our listeners?

Do you think it's one of our?

I think it's.

I want to think it's.

I think.

You hope so.

That's too good to be true.

I don't know.

You think?

He's just a senile old man that was in WWE, too?

WWII.

He knows his stuff, if he was.

He's like, I got some.

Let me ask him for proof.

Last one.

Oh, don't call him again, please.

What is your deal?

Come on, man.

Grow a sag.

You're a phone loser.

What's wrong with you?

Hello?

He hung up.

You happy?

You see what you did?

You made him hang up.

Thanks a lot, UK Ted.

I just think that the elderly, the veterans, I think they should be off limits.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

Unless they're from the UK, it's okay to call and wake them up.

Unless they're Welsh.

If they're Welsh, fuck them.

You're British and you're appeasement.

That's exactly why people like that had to go to war against Hitler.

Because you're too much of appeasers.

Oh, first it's like, don't call the kids.

And now, don't call the elderly.

And then next, what's the good?

Don't call the women next?

What you did right there, Carlito, when he started naming off his medals,

started naming the lucky charm shapes.

Asked him if he had any green clovers, blue moons.

I want to talk to him about my precious bodily fluids now.

See if we can get a hold of him.

Give him a few minutes to calm down.

He was probably grateful for the conversation.

He hasn't had anyone to talk to for a while.

Probably.

You probably made his day.

Yeah, there's hours on the watch.

Realized in addition to fluoridating water

where there are studies underway to fluoridate

salt, flour, fruit juices,

soup, sugar, milk.

Milk? Ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream?

The fluoridation first began?

I know. I don't get it.

1946. 1946, Mandrake.

How does that coincide with your post-war commie conspiracy?

Incredibly obvious, isn't it?

Our substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids.

Without the knowledge of the individual, certainly without any choice,

the hardcore commie works.

Go on him again.

Hey, speaking of fluoride, what happened to Crazy Fucker?

Oh, dude, that's another thing.

Don't know.

That's all I got.

Wow.

I wish I knew.

That's deep, man.

Yeah, man.

That's like whenever Milkman's gone, it's just, he's dead.

That is what I always say, and that's rude.

We should have talked about the elderly like that, UK Ted.

It's not even ringing now.

Old man.

See, UK Ted had his way.

He probably got so pissed off he yielded over.

He probably damaged his rotary telephone.

Yeah, he has.

He's scrubbing it.

Gregulate's here.

Hey, Gregulate, how you doing, buddy?

All right.

Anyway, we got the Gaylord India restaurant,

but I don't want to get to some of these lonesome loser numbers here before they get stale.

What's that, sir?

Uncle Tom's Liquors.

Who dropped out here?

We got everybody still.

Still Dirty Aaron, UK, Ted, Ken, and MPSA Cobra.

Cobra checking in.

Big Cobra.

We'll be calling your security company here in a moment.

Checking in.

I'm looking forward to it.

Good.

Good for you.

Uncle Tom's Liquors.

Anybody want to call Uncle Tom's Liquors?

An Arab guy answered there.

Cobra wants to do it, I think.

Cobra.

Last I heard.

I'm a little scared.

All right, whatever.

Put me on.

Fresno, California.

Uncle Tom's Liquors.

Yeah, how late are you guys open tonight?

2 o'clock.

a.m a.m yeah okay i was gonna say two o'clock p.m that'd be kind of stupid

what are you still doing there so how's business tonight good yeah great goose great goose yes sir

gallon huh 50 what gallon just the fifth do you have the pints what can you hook me up with

tonight what can you hook me up with your money yeah yeah i got cash okay food stamps too though

Let me try them.

Yes, until what time is open?

What do you mean?

Until what time is open?

No, what time is open until?

Until 6?

You're open?

Okay, are you Arab or Indian?

So what are you talking about?

Are you Arabic or Indian?

He doesn't want to play.

He's going to sell his liquor.

You Punjabi motherfucker.

Punjabi niggle.

He gets into that too.

He's doing business.

All right, let me do this Indian restaurant over here and decide.

side. Gaylord India

Restaurant. Was that you messing with the mic or

what? Yeah, it was me itching.

The mic sits in my ear

and I have to scratch my ear.

I hear that. Yeah, I hear it really

loud. Sorry.

Yes, hi. Indian restaurant food?

Yes. Uh-huh. Until what time

is open? Until 10. And

are you Indian or no? No.

You're not? No. Can I speak

to an Indian, please?

Just a Mano speaking, please.

Mr. Ulu? Ulu. Ulu.

Yes, hello. This is Mr. Ulu. I had to make an order.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Yes, sir.

Okay. One order for aloo slag.

Uh-huh.

One pilak malasa.

And which one's that?

One pilak malasa.

A pilak malasa. Uh-huh.

I'm not getting that.

Uh, what about one lamb pons?

Uh-huh.

And one keema wanker?

Come on, man.

He didn't get angry like I wanted him to. We'll redial. We'll see.

see yeah could you um put him back this is mr hello yes hi this is mr ulu i was just talking

to the gentleman can you put him back on um just a second because uh hold on hello yes um he's um

we're really busy right now so he's um helping other customers no he's not he told me to talk

to him i don't understand why is he doing that um because he went back to the floor because

the customer need him could you send him a message real quick let me know what the answer is

Okay.

Ulukapatha.

Yes, Ulukapatha.

All right, if you could please let him know that and tell him to get back to me about that order.

Okay, okay, no worries.

Ask him about that, please, up right here.

Okay.

What are you asking?

About the Ulukapatha or something?

Ulukapatha.

Okay.

Thank you.

Well, I'm here.

Can you please give me his answer?

Oh, you want to hold?

Yes, I need his answer.

Okay.

Thank you.

posted a link to the hindi swear word like encyclopedia in a skype chat thank you skype

chat you're gonna slap the shit out of that waitress for calling him a son of an owl i know

such an insult benki load machuta sister dick go fuck your mom sister dick got her

her ah they hung her up chudasi sadness after fucking oh man it's all brilliant

the sadness after fucking okay oh man sadness the best kind you know when that happens

you ever get sadness after joking off when you look at some really bad porn

you get that sadness out there and you just feel disgusted with yourself like oh

you know you're getting old you're in your 30s when you start having that

We just can't do this anymore.

All right.

Lonesome sent in the ideas for those Indian orders we just did there.

Good work, Nunu, rather.

Thank you, Nunu.

Continuing on, Uncle Tom's Liquors.

We already did that.

We'll do Uncle Tom's Tavern now.

Moving on to Cobra Security here in a moment.

I think I'll play that.

Gay, fag, chill boy there down in Orlando.

Yeah, we'll try to give him a call back.

Maybe he'll play.

I'd like to call him back.

I'd like to call the carding also again.

It would be nice to whip back around some of these people from tonight.

It's been a good night so far.

Huffering at 120 live listeners.

That's good.

Let me switch the music up.

I've been playing all this for the last three weeks of the show.

Uncle Tom.

Yeah, hello, Uncle Tom.

How are you?

Uncle Tom.

It's going good.

Who's this?

Yeah, listen.

Since when have the sellouts been hanging out there?

Wondering.

I can't hear you.

You've got to speak a little bit.

Listen.

What are you wondering?

This is Uncle Tom's Tavern, all right?

You understand?

Yeah, I understand.

then yeah and i'm calling to say you're nothing but a handkerchief head sellout i'm nothing but

a piece of shit well hey handkerchief talking this is being recorded i don't give your permission

now who is this you're a handkerchief head i almost you know what i am you know who i am

go no i don't i'm not i don't really give a fucking you go fuck yourself i'm not turning

all here again i'm not turner you're gonna get charged with harassing shut up you stupid son

son of a bitch, Uncle Tom

Sella. Fuck yourself. I'm not

a stupid son of a bitch. You're an Uncle Tom.

You're dumber than a box of rocks.

Go have another shot of heroin

and build up some courage and come on

on down, you fucking faggot.

Bye. Uncle Tom.

I think we should all call him back.

There we go. Call him back.

See, the problem is, there's

house Negroes and there's field Negroes

and you're a... You what?

There's house Negroes and field Negroes.

And you Uncle Tom, handkerchief head, house Negroes, Uncle Toms need to go.

Who are you?

Well, I'm Nat Turner.

Huh?

I'm Nat Turner.

Nat Turner?

Yes.

Where the hell are you calling from?

From the south, the southern state of Maryland.

So why are you calling here rather than the guy that owns this place?

Well, because I'm leading an uprising here.

here and he's been nothing but a son of a bitch a goddamn son of a bitch and a sellout what are

you doing fuck your mother no he fucked my people he fucked my mother my father he fucked his own

mother oh he fucked your father too your father must have liked it well he's a gay he went after

my father first we had to separate him from my father and in order to get him away we had to

let him have his way with my mother he was so into the man at first you know hello stupid

There's an argument. You said you fucked his mother.

We'll do another call while we wait on them to come back.

Hey, I hope you're still there.

I'm here, Uncle Tom.

Fuck you too. I'm glad you're still there, you little fucking faggot.

Yeah, piece of shit.

Come on home.

Goddamn you.

We got a bunch of people in here witnessing this nice little conversation.

Yeah?

You guys are all about...

Come on and hang up. Give me another call because we're tracing these.

Sounds like a fucking gay orgy going on in there

Wow, alright, UK Ted

Would you like to call them? I want to call from a different number

Just, you know, maybe

Request an apology, I think is what you should do

Come on down

I think she's got the fucking prices right over there

Come on down

Oh my god, right?

The price is right

Yeah

Let me check here

Where are they?

When they start arguing again, just tell me you didn't mean to get him and his boyfriend all riled up.

I'm sorry, yeah.

I know you guys are busy in the circle jerking there, but I didn't mean to do that.

Okay, cool.

It'll be fun.

All right, so you can't say, yeah, like I said, I want you, you know, maybe we could just do a whole thing.

Hey.

Just ease into it.

Yeah, cool.

Cool.

I don't think Ted gets it.

Hello.

Hello? Sorry, can I speak to your manager, please?

Hello? Why are you coughing on the phone?

Will you put the manager on, please?

I had the wrong number. Who did I call?

I called the wrong number. I don't even know who I fucking called.

Some 510 number.

You just called your neighbor?

No, not my neighbor. I don't know who the fuck I called.

I don't know anybody in a 510. That's weird.

Oops. Sorry. Alright.

This is the right one.

Well, that was embarrassing.

I don't care.

Someone got submitted

to get pranked. My fault.

I take full responsibility. I apologize.

I'll make this guy apologize.

Oh, hi there.

Hello?

Uncle Tom.

Put the manager on the phone, please.

That's unacceptable.

Will you put the manager on the phone immediately?

I have it under good authority that you're a bunch of wankers,

and I demand an apology from the manager.

That's a really bad connection.

Hang on.

That guy doesn't sound drunk as fuck.

He took his teeth out after the last call.

Is that me or him?

No, that was him.

It's Alaska, so that might be why.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Do you realize you can go to jail for this?

This is harassment.

Listen, I'm just...

Every call is crap.

I'm... what I'm doing...

If you've got a brain in your damn head, you'll hang up and you'll never call again.

Well, listen.

Listen.

Please.

All right, we'll stop.

He's, he's, he's.

He was jumping all the way.

He must get these phone calls all the time.

Every goddamn phone call is tracked.

We're tracking every phone number.

Come on down.

All right, moving right along.

UK Ted I posted a

YouTube video of the Price is Right

Which is what the music is from

Best show ever man

I haven't seen much of Drew Carey

He seems to be okay at it

But yeah there's nobody like Bob Barker

Bob was doing every chick on that damn show too

He was a man

He's still a man

But yeah he used to do all the chicks

but yeah you know it was something you know about watching bob barker you know like during the

summer when you didn't have to go to school or if i skipped school i'd watch it you know it was

yeah every time i fucking skipped school it was sick i had to watch that shit yeah

my friends man we'd watch it together and i would tell them i'd be like okay this showcase this price

and this price he's like how the fuck do you know that i was like because you got to over guess

every fucking thing by about 10 grand yeah that's true bob barker hygiene products for prison

Yeah, Bob Barker Toothbrush

Fucking flip flops

Really?

Wow, that's cool

He was very popular among the blacks

That's probably why

I'm not kidding you, he was

I remember once

I was watching it

My first week after

I graduated high school

The seniors got out a week before

The rest of the high schoolers

We got a week out early

and then we had graduation we got a week to rest up and do graduation remember i was watching it

and like these these like ghetto ass guys were on there they were played something

some game where they had to run back and forth and you had to flip the thing to the right price

and the guy it was one guy whatever and he was like this thug gangster was the funniest thing

and he had them all wrong up until like with 10 seconds left and he's like fuck it and he went

he like changed them all at random and every single one was right i was like oh shit that

I could not believe it.

I remember, that was the greatest, the greatest Price is Right that I've ever seen.

I've ever seen.

It would be that one.

The ghetto gangster guy.

And, yeah, he gave Bob Barker a hug and stuff.

It was really cool.

Moving right along, more prank calls, enough talk about the Price is Right.

And coming on down, King Kong's Barbecue Restaurant.

After that, Cobra Security, Blast from the Past, coming up.

This is Madhouse Radio, MadhouseLive.com.

Where's the barbecue place at?

This is Oakland.

oakland hell yeah that's what they know about barker the clock can probably close yeah i think

it's my voicemail oh you're there this is the barbecue place yes we were talking before and

you hung up on me what happened no do you do do you have any barbecue left yeah do you have any

barbecue oh we're close oh what time do you open and all all right do you have any orange juice

there orange juice did you do orange juice there or no if they have to he can't go there and buy

Okay, but what about drinks?

Do you have Coca-Cola or do you do Pepsi?

Yeah?

Listen, I want to throw it in your face.

What?

I want to throw it in your face.

Throw it in my face?

Uh-huh, and then eat the sandwich in front of you with my pants down.

Well, what do you say?

I'm here right now.

Are you full-service barbecue restaurant massage?

No?

What the hell?

Is this run by 15-year-olds?

What is going on here?

I'll have you know, Tupac Shakur lived in Oakland,

and he went out of stead for that.

Was that a 7-year-old or a 30-year-old Asian?

I don't know.

God.

You know they ain't got no juice.

You got no juice.

They got drink.

A lot of people on the chat are busting a return call to Red Robin for the French fries.

Oh, yeah.

If I could find that same one, yeah.

Fuck, you could call any of them.

They're all the same.

It's not fucking funny when you call me like that.

Nigga, what the fuck is juice?

We need some drink.

Drink?

I want some apple drink.

It's green.

Sugar, water, purple.

There's this fucking place in Portland that has, like,

it's like an old broke-down trailer that has, like, a porch,

and that's the barbecue place.

Those are the good places sometimes, man.

You get out of a car, you know, not out of a car,

but out of a food truck and stuff, you know,

you get some good barbecue and ribs.

Hell, yeah.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you guys what.

Well, let me, I'm going to grab another beer.

I'm going to take a quick three, four-minute break, run to the kitchen real quick,

grab a beer, be right back.

We've got about an hour left to show.

We're going to call Corporate Security.

In the meantime, we'll play Zone 2.

This is the first calls to Corporate Security from about two years ago, maybe three.

Be right back.

Corporate Security.

Yeah, there's a problem in Zone 2, and you people still haven't shown up over here.

I don't know if someone's got their keys locked in, and there's an intruder in Zone 2.

number two. I don't know what you're talking about, sir. Who are you? Jesus Christ. This

is Destro. I'm calling for status on Zone 2. We've been paying you people on this contract

for security. You guys don't do jack. This is the third time I'm calling in. Look, there

it is going off again. Well, for what business? What? For what customer? I need you guys to

stop. Do something about Zone 2. Turn that alarm off. I don't know what you're talking

about. Zone anything. All right. What customer are you? Huh? What business is it? I'm with

Shut up. I'm with Valenti and Associates.

I'm with Valenti and Associates.

Okay, well, I don't know. This is Cobra Security.

Exactly.

And I don't know any Valenti and... whatever.

Let me speak to the Baroness, please, because you people will look...

You know, for the third time, the zone alarm keeps going off in Zone 2.

This is Cobra Security and...

Exactly, yes, Cobra Security.

But you're in the wrong place.

You guys are on contract.

Excuse me?

You're in violation of contract, sir.

Who? The boss?

You're in violation of contract.

I'm a dear old woman, and I'm in...

Okay, well, you...

And I don't know anything about Zone 2 or anything else.

Well, I'm going to speak to him.

Or even this customer you're talking about.

You're in violation of the contract unless you do something about Zone 2 immediately, sir.

Whatever.

There it goes again.

Hello, sir.

We're in the middle of lighting my cigar.

We got a voicemail, a legitimate voicemail here from those folks with the security company.

Let's go ahead and listen to that.

53 seconds long.

Let's take a listen to that, everybody.

Enjoy.

Told you they'd bite.

Yes, my name is Paul Groman.

I'm calling from the law attorney office of Michael Douglas.

And, well, my client just received a prank phone call,

and she's been receiving this for months of being harassed.

And, well, I'm just calling to let you all know that if one more harassment comes through,

I will be filing papers to press charges for phone harassment.

And I would like somebody to give me a call back.

I'm sure you all have caller ID.

And I heard everything that you said to my client, and it was extremely rude.

And charges will be pressed if one more phone call comes through.

Wait a minute.

So if I call, he wants me to call him back, but I'll press charges.

He's a trap.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling for a status on Zone 2, please.

Okay, look, sir, this is the owner.

Yes, ma'am.

No, no, this is a sir.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

I was just talking to you, and you said you were a 60-year-old woman, so I apologize.

No, no, no, that was my mom.

I am the owner of the company.

I am 30.

I am the owner.

What is the deal, sir?

You're under contract to come out of here and secure Zone 2 immediately.

Send your son or send yourself over here, old sir, and get over here and fix the problem.

Well, could you tell me where we're supposed to go?

Valente Associates on...

Well, I don't know any Valente Associates.

Valente, you don't even know how to speak English, right?

Is there an American I can speak to, please?

Could you spell it to me, please?

Valente, V-A-L-E-N-T-E, and ass, O-C-S.

I don't have a customer like that.

You're under contract.

It says right here, Cobra Security, my paper machine.

God damn it.

Let me speak to Desperate.

What is the address or phone number?

I don't know any customer.

Let me speak to anything else.

The man, speak with the Cobra commander, please.

There is no commander.

I'm the owner, Denise Pope.

Can you put the Cobra Commander back on the line, please?

That was my son.

He's in the car with me, and he's mad because you're unreasonable.

He's a bad worker.

That's why.

We're not under any kind of contract with anybody of Valencia anything.

Valente and Associates.

Get my name right.

Valente.

It doesn't matter.

We don't have a customer like that.

You come on here.

I'm calling the police.

Do what?

There it is again.

Someone else.

Okay.

I don't understand.

Where are you located?

You.

Valentin Associates.

I know where I'm located.

Disgusting woman.

What do you want, sir?

I need you to get these Mexicans off of Zone 2 immediately.

Okay, where is Zone 2?

Zone 2 is on the second floor.

It's a secured room.

I don't have any buildings, sir.

I don't have any buildings that are customers.

What do you secure, whorehouses?

You know, I don't know who you are or what you want.

Get off my phone.

Get off my phone, old sir.

Right now.

You called me.

I command you to hang up.

I'm going to call the police, and you know what?

I already called the police on you because you're in violation of contract.

That's all it is.

Oh, good.

Go for you.

There it is.

Police.

Go for you.

All right, everybody, we're back.

Madhouse Radio, last hour of the show.

I am Carlito.

Hey, Carlos.

Hi.

The phone machine did a collapse there, the Skype machine, so we lost everybody.

In the meantime, IG Richie69 or whatever he is now is here.

Dirty Aaron is back.

Ted Webb was trying to call in, I think.

I saw it out of the corner of my eye.

I spied.

Let me see if I can get Big Ken back on here.

Who else are we missing?

UK Ted?

Uck Ted.

How are you?

Ted Webb.

I'm sure it was Ted's fault.

How are you?

How are you, Ted?

How are you?

He's calling me.

Oh, yeah.

Calling all of us.

UK Ted.

Call us.

Come on, man.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What was that?

Was that call with the Cobra guys, was that just happening now, or was that something

from before?

That's from a few years ago, but I'm getting ready to call them back for the first time

in years right now.

Wow, that's great

That's great, isn't that a great idea

Yeah, hey UK Ted, how are you

Nope, hang on, it's a conference

There we go, hey UK Ted, how are you

And you can do

Gondu

Ulu

There you go, he's here

Oh yeah, we're

Big Christopher Curtis is here

Ted Webb, you heard any of your shows there

While you were playing hockey over there in California

Which makes no sense to me, but whatever

Did you hear any of the pranks

Did you hear the car

The god damn it guy that said god damn it

Like 50 times to me that was fun

I didn't hear that one

I got home from work late today

Working late I know what that means

I gotta call back my

There was like nobody

That I work with that even

I would entertain that

I'm sorry

Sorry guy

Oh boy

That was rude of me I'm sorry

Alright, Cobra Security. Here we go.

Blast from the Plaza. Homo Panther wants to be on.

I don't trust him.

With a name like that, I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, so IG, what?

You've been doing prank calls? I heard the phone

losers have trained you to not laugh during calls

and stuff now? Is that what's going on?

Good for you! Alright, man.

Are you in Grandma's basement still, or what?

No, I'm in my living room.

Whoa!

Oh, yeah.

Where are your parents at?

That myth of my ass.

Are they out or something?

Uh, the other side of the house.

Well, his mom's over here.

I don't know about his dad.

Uh, turn.

All right, guys.

Quiet on the set.

Corpus security.

I don't have an alarm to play, so.

Damn.

I got messed up in a move.

You have reached the sprint voicemail box of nine.

Seriously?

See, you ran him out of business.

No, Lonesome just confirmed him.

You have reached the sprint voicemail box of nine.

That sucks.

What a letdown.

i know right all that hype for nothing i did nothing but for the last half hour talk about

corporate security phone number not confirmed well you know maybe he's he's on the phone

he's going after like a ring or two he might be talking to his old lady i'll try him back in a

little bit uh all of a sudden i'm in the mood for toast like dark toast with uh grape jelly

don't know why just came to my head we need to take another break or we can wait i mean

no i'm good i'm good i've got a beer i'll be okay to cate no bud light still got i still have beer

from i only drink beer on thursday i have super the last of the super bowl beers here i can't

drink like i used to man i used to have a little drink i used to drink at least two beers a night

or at least one well i talked about how i used to drink i have three beers on the way to work

every morning out of a big gold cup so a cop like if i went by a cop he wouldn't know what i'm

I'm drinking.

That was my little trick.

Anyway, continuing on.

I have a drunk alcohol.

I've smoked cigarettes in three weeks now.

Good for you.

I don't know.

You smoke cigarettes.

You have money.

I've been like 14 years without alcohol.

That's something.

I've got to light a cigar.

Hang on.

That's what it reminded me.

My wife's going to be pissed when she finds out I was smoking a cigar.

I pay the rent here, motherfucker.

I pay the rent here.

Good evening, Mama.

Can I help you?

Hey, Mama's Spaghetti House.

Yes?

I found a Band-Aid inside the spaghetti.

Band-Aid inside the spaghetti?

Uh-huh. Band-Aid inside the spaghetti.

This is disgusting.

When did you order that?

Today.

Today? Do you have the food?

Well, I ate most of it.

You should have come back and show it to us, you know.

Well, I didn't find it until the end.

How do you think I feel?

Am I going to die now?

You know, while eating, you should have keep the food and come back if something wrong with the food.

Is this an Italian restaurant or an Indian restaurant?

Yeah, this is an Italian restaurant.

You sound Indian.

Yeah.

Where are you from?

We're inside the Makai food court.

Uh-huh, yeah. But where are you from? Are you Hawaiian?

No, I'm a Filipina.

Ew. Ew, right? Gross.

I thought all Filipinas were nurses.

Yeah, you should have showed the food, the receipt.

You're fresh off the fucking boat, aren't you?

Is that Mary?

Hello?

Mary.

Who?

Mary. We've been looking for you for ages.

Mary.

It is Mary, isn't it?

I'm sorry, but I cannot hear you that much.

Is this Mary?

What's wrong with your phone?

Are you Mary?

I found sauce in my pasta.

Yeah, but do you have the receipt?

You come over here.

Are you putting white sauce in the spaghetti now?

I thought it was always red.

What's this white stuff?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I found yogurt instead of white sauce.

What's he talking about yogurt?

I think it has semolina in it.

We're not choosing yogurt at all.

I found

There's noodles in my pasta

I got semolina poisoning

Can you come down here

We're going to talk about

Over here

Not on the phone

Because the phone is not fine

I cannot hear you that much

I have noodles in my pasta

And show me the receipt

The food

Listen

My fried rice wasn't crispy

I have a dirty question for you

Okay

That's the best thing

You have to come over here

On the food court

At Mama Spaghetti House

Show me your receipt

what time you went for

to taste the food

and show me the food.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I have a...

Mama.

The address is inside

the market.

I have a dirty question for you.

Do you have pink pussy lips?

I'm sorry.

Well, do you?

Hello?

Do you have pink pussy lips?

Don't know where I was going.

I warned you guys

it was going to be nasty.

Don't complain, Ted.

America, Ted.

But...

Stop having so many people

doing prank.

Too many people

They'll stop it.

Nunu?

Did he say that?

Yes, in caps.

In caps.

He's an angry man now.

Nunu, stop yelling.

Stop yelling, Nunu.

Call in, damn it.

He's so worried about it, he should call in.

Yeah.

He wants to get off his cell phone.

No, he's incognito, boy.

He can't have his identity.

He's more incognito than, like, Lonesome Loser,

because even I've been able to talk to Lonesome Loser at some point.

I've talked to him on the phone.

He's a cool guy.

He sounds nothing like what I thought he'd sound like.

He's like, ooh!

No, he doesn't sound like that.

He doesn't sound like that.

Hello.

Can you know?

Hey.

No, he doesn't sound like that.

Hey.

I'm the promoter.

No, he doesn't sound like that.

I'm the promoter.

Sounds like a handsome young man.

Like your mama said.

Handsome young 52-year-old man.

Lives in his mama's basement.

I cracked up the Indians today with a that's what she said joke.

I don't think they ever heard it before.

Someone said something.

Someone said, yeah, is it up now?

that's what it was

they were working on a server

I was working on a server

and a group of Indians came in

and one of them said is it up now

and I said that's what she said

and they said oh that's so funny

I get it because that's what she said

oh my goodness

and one of the ladies was like

why did I get it

and next week you can introduce them

to Footloose and

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Oh no, don't fucking spin them that close.

They'll only be 30 years behind us.

That's too fast.

You need to introduce your mama jokes first.

Your mama jokes.

You guys remember a show on HBO called Snaps?

Was it Snaps?

Where it was just black people making fun of their mamas?

And you got tricked to them where it takes you to the...

Bring some Garbage Pail Kids cards next time.

Oh yeah.

Man.

Biddy something.

I don't know what a good card...

I hate a Garbage Pail Kids.

It's hard to say.

But I'm just saying.

Okay, guys.

Yeah, Nunu does have a point.

let's not all get into the prank

maybe one person at a time

let the other person, whoever

pranking, it's good to get their response

if they're talking, refrain from

speaking

sorry guys, I didn't mean to burst in

but I thought it was Mary on the phone and I got

excited

Mary, your Filipino

girlfriend, they're all named Mary

and they're nurses

good thing Milkman's not here, he's going to tell us

all the rules again, yeah he'd be pissed off

there's so many people

Zyklon's on here now.

Zyklon.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Zyklon.

I don't think I know you.

Have you ever been on the show before?

I don't remember you.

What's your deal?

No, I'm with the phone losers group.

Phone losers?

Okay, good.

Welcome.

Welcome, Zyklon.

Welcome.

Hey, hey.

Well, any phone loser is a friend of mine.

I'm a phone loser.

I'm proud to admit I'm a phone loser also.

I'm into it.

I like it also.

And I'm a Blue Planet guy also.

Oh, all that good.

Hey, hey.

Okay.

All right.

MPSA Corbett sent in a request to prank.

Frank. Maybe he'll explain it.

Mount Vernon, Washington, home of one of the

presidents. Yeah.

Calle Tacos Tequila.

The owners here had to fight the mayor

for their liquor license.

Made national news.

Liquor, I hardly know her.

Ask him if it's clean there.

Call them and ask.

Call them and order a bunch of

maricones and pendejos.

Okay, I can do it. Call and say you're

from the state liquor control board and you're

revoking their license for over-serving

or Carl asking for maricón pendejo.

Alright, that's cool.

Should I use the accent or should I say

maricón pendejo or should I say maricón pendejo?

I'd try the accent.

Maricón pendejo.

Maricón.

I'll do the whole

gandu.

You gotta speak real slow and enunciate.

Say it loud too. That's how people

treat my dad. They think because he speaks

he has an accent. They think you have to speak

louder so he understands you. Just because I got

a freaking accent doesn't mean i'm not an american doesn't mean he's deaf my dad gets

it all the time when he was a security guard how are you today because i'm not fucking deaf

yes i want to make an order for matacon what's that i want to make an order for matacon for who

matacon i'm sorry my friend he said to make an order i have an order for the uh for the whole

business okay we're at a we're at a store okay what would you like mara maricon yes i don't know

what that is m-a-r-i-c-o-n maricon this is a restaurant okay so this i'm reading you the

orders that the people gave me to get i'm afraid i don't understand maricon is there someone there

or there is there a mexican there one of the cooks or something um maybe they can make this

Don't forget to ask for La Chupachabra.

Buenas noches.

Hablando calle.

Que le puedo?

Yes, hi.

I needed to make an order for Maricon.

An order for who?

Maricon.

Okay.

What can I get for you?

All right.

My friends here, we're at work.

They gave me information.

We have a piece of paper.

You hear it?

With the orders.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

The first one is the Maricon.

One order of Maricon.

I'm at the wrong restaurant.

This is Calle Tacos and Tequila.

Yeah, that's the one.

Maricon, and there's Pendejo, P-E-N-D-E-J-O, one order of Pendejo.

Maricon.

Is there something, did you put one of the chefs on or something, Mexicans?

Because they can make this.

Okay, do you know Spanish, or do you have somebody that can speak Spanish?

So I can speak Spanish.

Maybe you can explain it a little bit better in Spanish.

Well, I don't speak Spanish.

Obviously, I know what the hell I'm saying.

God damn it.

Listen, I don't appreciate what's going on here, all right?

These people put a lot of pressure on me.

I'm the new person here.

And they're very upset with me already, as it is, because I was late for work today.

And I have to buy them dinner, okay?

Please just work for me.

Work with me, please.

Please.

Okay, no, I'm trying to.

I just want to know what it is exactly that you want on the menu, because I don't find

anything that's like that on the menu that's why i'm asking oh god damn it you have beans there i

bet you got a lot of beans damn beans and rice mexicans stupid spick puerto ricans i'm sorry

you do have rice and beans but i don't appreciate you saying those comments i'm sorry are you

mexican yes no and you don't have maricon no what we have are chile relleno spinach and corn

Carnitas de puerco, yeah, ustedes le ponen adobo, cebolla, pimiento.

Yeah, tenemos carnitas de puerco.

Yeah, I want Maricon.

Y los chicas.

Okay, do you want one of the carnitas de puerco?

Excuse me?

Would you like an order of the carnitas de puerco?

Carnitas de puerco?

Yeah, that's fine, okay.

Okay, what else would you like?

I want one of these Maricons.

Seriously, you can't do this?

Maricon, we don't have anything that's menu.

do you know what's in it that we can possibly it's white skin nice smooth white skin on a boy

you ever say see him take a shower you ever see the boy take a shower no since you know when you

ever see the shower okay you know a shower you know the floor of the shower has a like a drain

okay um did you have you ever like pooped in the shower and then you mashed it into the

drain the grate with your feet like you've ever had to do that i'm

trying.

I'm trying with you.

I'm trying to work with you.

You're not working with me.

Hi, this is Jeremy.

Can I help you?

Your name is what?

My name is Jeremy.

That's a boy's name.

Yes, it is.

But it is my name and I am a woman.

Can I help you?

Hi, sir. Yes, I was making an order, sir, for Maricon.

I'm going to hang up now. I don't appreciate you being this rude. Thank you.

Bye, dude. Later. Whatever.

I was trying to say the weirdest shit I could for him.

Jeremy.

Wow.

Jerome.

I think that was the Maricon.

Yeah.

That was the Maricon.

Can we call Debbie Mansfield?

That was the Maricon. Debbie Mansfield.

I could try.

Debbie won't answer

but I'll call her

I actually got a call to the number

from Randy Dandy a couple weeks ago

and I got like this really confused black lady

on the phone probably his daughter

but it may be worth calling

yeah dude

you see I never had fun with him

I got that number I remember I got that number

when I first started doing shows on Cacti

and I didn't get to it during my show

and I passed it on to Brad

Brad, that was the first time he called that, like, he was doing a show right after me.

I was doing shows on Tuesday then.

Oh, man.

That was a good call.

But, yeah, I mean, good calls.

You guys have messed with him quite a bit.

But, yeah, pass it on to me, please.

Please do.

So it's his sister, is it, or what is it now?

I'm thinking it's his daughter because it didn't sound like his wife.

Or it could be someone entirely different.

Okay.

Looking for Mansfield here.

Here we go.

Debra Mansfield, our good friend, the bus driver.

Give him a call.

call all right i got it all right good luck yeah i'll go find that number i'll be right back

it'll be on the google voice because she won't answer if it's blocked you get that screening

thing yep every call on google voice sound i have to hit it twice it's weird you who's gonna say the

name for that say the name you want to say it the name yeah because you know it's like

state your name after and because you got like the the call screening oh no no there's gonna

going to be a number going through oh uh all right it's hopeless sorry all right so we got more

numbers we can do though don't fret fear not don't okay i want you to do a prank ig whatever you go

by now yeah i don't know just call me richie richie all right richard um i just put up the

numbers in the sky oh yeah that guy backed out true and we got the bristol number two that you

fixed for me uk ted i gotta call that here um you're gonna i'm gonna shoot some shit at at

at your Richie.

I can't get used to that, but tell me

what do you want here? I got a Chinese restaurant

here. I got a buffet

called Tin Tin. I got an Asian bistro.

Dim Sum. What else we got here?

Indian place, if you want to call, and a

Himalayan Indian restaurant.

You know what? Give me the buffet. The buffet.

Tin Tin Buffet is located in

California. An Asian guy answered

there just a little bit ago.

And you're on. Good luck. Madhouse Radio.

Got about 30 minutes left to show.

Madhouselife.com is the website.

Be sure to visit blueplanetprankradio.com.

Am I right?

Yeah?

Good.

Woo!

And cactiradio.com, phonelosers.org.

Any shows on the slate for this weekend on cacti that I don't know about?

Is there going to be a Craigslist show tomorrow?

Tabachi, anybody?

Tabachi's not here, but I'm wondering.

Let me know.

So I can plug it for you guys now.

Craigslist show was last week.

Yeah, there was one Friday.

Was it good?

I missed it.

I fell asleep.

I'm sorry.

I tried to listen to it, but Fridays are really hard for me to stay up.

closed here nope all right how about a chinese restaurant how's that sound ig sure ig richie

uk calls coming up soon i assure you we always end the shows with that i miss that milkman tonight

yeah just not yeah i have a couple questions about the food um so i closed already you're

closed um but just one one question um is it halal so when i come in tomorrow yeah oh yeah um is it

is the food there halal like is it uh blessed by an iman so me and my buddies um we're going

on a secret trip and we were wondering if the food was halal halal like um blessed by a muslim

dude so we can eat it and not go to a muslim hell uh you know what man i'm gonna actually i'm gonna

report this because you're being racist okay you're you're racially profiling against uh muslims

what do you have to say about that sir sir you're you're being racist to me i'm gonna

Do you want to get sued?

Maybe you shouldn't have a settlement here.

Do you want to pay me some money?

You racist.

I'm going to tell all my friends about this.

Hello, is this the manager?

Sorry, hello?

Well, actually...

Here.

Is he gone?

What happened?

What's going on is...

Hello?

Let's not go there, Cole.

Thank you.

Sorry, that was pretty bad.

Richie, you're doing better.

You didn't laugh.

I'm telling you you're getting there

you know I'm not saying you're getting there

you've had good calls recently you said

you told me

and I believe you I also have faith in this kid guys

this is the future of prank calls

Richie

new generation

Richie will be taking over

Madhouse Radio when I retire at the end of this year

you're going to retire that soon?

I'm not retiring I just keep saying that

Carlito

yes go ahead

so what did you think about the heat absolutely curb stomping

the knicks what was that tonight yeah i didn't dude i don't know did the hang on let me get i

was watching the first half of the magic game and i got my hold on let me get the score i gotta hear

my they i get texts uh 83 oh the magic fucking loss okay hold on magic lost the hawks fucking

assholes okay there's a 102 88 wow really how jeremy lynn do they say horrible who did what

Well, guys, hang on.

How did you...

He played like crap.

Did he?

Yeah, well, he's about to have a bad game.

He's going to have, like, him and Carmelo work for a while.

You know, those two aren't getting along is what the problem is.

Carmelo, because Carmelo Anthony is like that.

He doesn't, like, he's a fucking showboater.

Oh, yeah, I'm like, I don't have bullshit, so...

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I don't know.

You know, at the very least, maybe the Knicks,

They might be able to trade him somewhere where he'll blossom, Jeremy Lin.

He might have just been a good fit at the right time on the Knicks.

That's what happened to Hito Turkle with the Magic.

It was a good fit in 2009 with the Magic, and now he sucks.

I can't stand him.

I don't know.

Let me look at how Dwight did.

Did Dwight even play tonight?

The chat room is about to explode if we don't make UK calls.

Yo, they're like freaking getting like...

Fuck the UK.

UK calls, UK calls.

That guy's going to get kicked off any second now if he keeps...

This is a prank show, not a gay sport, so says Nunu.

See, if you guys let me be a moderator in the chat room, that shit would never happen.

You abuse your power, Ted.

You do abuse your power, Ted.

You're like a tyrant.

Everyone's on Time Mountain except for Nunu, trusted man,

who we don't even know his real name and don't know what it sounds like.

We don't know if he's a girl.

We don't know if he's a spy.

It's Arnold Schwarzenegger, that's right.

For all we know, he could be a KDK spy, Ted, and he's here.

That's right, man.

He's here to infiltrate and masturbate.

It's probably Johnny Brennan who's been here the whole time.

I know.

Stealing my ideas.

Fucking guy.

And I have sores all over my ass and legs.

Next thing you know, you're going to hear Valente calls on the next Jerky Boy CD.

I will fucking shit a brain.

He's not going to do that.

Anyway, guys, come on.

Focus.

Fuck us.

Fuck us, yes.

Fuck us.

Thank you.

So when are you going to call a Japanese restaurant?

I don't know that we really call Japanese restaurants that much on this show.

I'm forced to two numbers.

We call Japan.

Hold on.

Let's call a Japanese restaurant and say we're from Sea Shepherds.

Sea Shepherds?

Yeah.

You're selling whales there.

I know you are.

Got whale meat.

Why do you say your voice?

Give me my whales, motherfuckers.

Oh, God.

All right.

I know a greeting in Japanese.

All right.

Thank you, dolphin.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to do Baz's.

He sent a hotel in Saipan.

We started off the show with a Saipan number.

The people there are waterheads, as I've said before on the show.

And here's a hotel in Saipan.

Ted Webb, would you like to do a prank?

This is a hotel in Saipan.

Sure.

Good.

Nothing like putting you on the spot.

The largest island of the United States Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands.

Can't kick Puerto Rico's ass.

The hell?

Hell?

He just looks Saipan up that fast

What do we call me in Saipan?

Aqua Resort Club

Hotel

You're breaking up

We're going to drop some people on the Skype chat

We got too many

I'll keep you on

Does anyone want to volunteer to step off?

Sounds better now

Go ahead and drop me Carlito

Let me try

It seems to have fixed itself

I didn't volunteer

Me either

no no no no no no come on ring who are we calling try to get it to go saipan

saipan is probably what's making the thing go yeah that's what it is the long distance call

call the atlantic it always they have to ferry 1.4 megabyte discs from one side of the ocean

to the other there's a bird flying the telephone coconut strip it by the husk all right that's not

not going to work out it's not even going through it's you know i'm i'm sorry baz i called one of

your numbers tonight my friend maybe next week maybe next all right so we got a whole we got

numbers in in scotland aberdeen uh and england also here aberdeen that's uh where um willie

from uh the simpsons from there yep groundskeeper willie uh but before that let me run these here

real quick uh we got a corrected number you corrected that number right dave the rave

Dave in Bristol, UK Ted, if you're here still, if you're not busy, stapling.

I'm here.

My internet's a bit shit at the moment, though, so I'm muted most of the time.

No worries.

Dave the Rave, supposedly he knows all about sex with buses.

I'm going to ask him about that real quick.

If we call Scottish people, we have to ask them why they're drunk.

Okay.

Because they're fucking Scottish people.

This is the way they talk, but it's true.

Hey, Felix Buses, so like Debbie Mansfield.

Scotchess is being shite.

My wife's going to be pissed when she wakes up,

smells a cigar.

I'll give her a burner with it.

Come here.

Put it on her ass.

I want to piss on you.

He's so hungry.

Yes, hi.

Dave.

Dave, hi.

Listen, I wanted to offer you a bus pass

if you could show me how you do it with the bus.

You know?

He doesn't want to play.

He doesn't sound very British.

I don't know.

Writzloff, I'm sorry, man.

You know, I fucked that one up.

V Cars Taxi Company

anything from Jim Stewart

I haven't heard from that guy in a while

I've seen him on Facebook

but he hasn't really done any pranks

not since Thanksgiving right

yeah not since around then

well we got a taxi company in England here

recommendation is ask them for a taxi

from Bristol UK to the USA

and wind them up

ok

where are they located

in Bristol England

You could probably piss them off by asking them about NASCAR,

since there's a big NASCAR track in Bristol, USA.

There you go.

Bristol.

NASCAR.

Bristol.

Daytona 500s this weekend in Daytona Beach, Florida,

and NBA All-Star Game in Orlando.

Big, big times in Central Florida, and I'm not going to be there.

If you have trouble understanding the Scottish people,

let me know and I'll translate for you.

Yes.

I like it.

Hello, guys.

Hello.

Hi.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah I need a taxi

From Bristol to Cheltenham

You're sick

Why is it taking so long

How much will it cost to go from Bristol to Cheltenham

Yeah sorry

What did you just say that

I said how much will it cost

No that's not what you said before that

What did you say before that

I asked you how much it cost to go from Bristol

That's not what you said before that

What do you think I said before that

I believe you just insulted me

That's what I believe

I don't believe that

Yeah, I do. Just as I was typing it in, you insulted me.

You could be a wanker, but I didn't say that.

Goodbye, sir.

I didn't say anything.

You should say that's actually a good thing.

You complimented him.

He seems like somebody who would get...

What did you say?

Before that.

Don't you need a taxi from Charles de Gaulle Airport?

airport yeah oh yeah i was talking to athena about that prank today this morning on the way

to work i was imitating the guys like i do he's like you want the you want the taxi you are now

in charles you're now in france and you want me to send taxi from saloniki to france to bring you

to airport you better do it god damn it okay you know it'd be hilarious if you could bridge

That taxi guy on with the Turk guy

The Turkish kitchen

Yeah, yeah

Can you call him back one more time?

Yep, uh-huh, you got it, man

I have my finger on the button

Hi, um, I've been waiting for my taxi for some time now

And where's it going from, sir?

Supposed to pick me up in Cardiff

Cardiff?

Cardiff

Are you sure that's with us, sir?

Yes, it's right across from you

Just a jaunt across the water

Yeah, no, and I know where Cardiff is.

I just didn't think I had any bookings from Cardiff this morning.

Yeah, somebody said that they would be here, and...

I mean, it didn't sound incompetent, but, you know...

You're the person that's wrong. Just now.

Yeah, just now. I just...

It's me. I'm calling you.

No! What are you talking about?

I'm in Cardiff, and I was told that there would be a cab here in 15 minutes.

Not by me, you weren't, sir.

There's no way I could get...

I'm based in Bristol.

What?

I'm based in Bristol.

Where did you learn how to speak, sir?

I'm waiting on the corner of Wellington and Cathedral.

He's gone.

Yeah, past it.

All right, let me try him once, and then we'll move on.

Skype numbers.

Maybe.

Oh, well.

Now I want to call taxis all the time.

Now I'm in the mood for taxi.

All right, so there we go.

And I think that rounds up the Request a Prank,

so unless any more have come in since then.

Yeah.

Yeah. Real quick, let's see if we can

touch base with this elderly guy real quick

here. Oh, and after that, could you

call Classy Chilfag back?

It's funny to hear you...

Oh! That piece of shit.

Ah, son of a bitch.

I want to talk to him when you call him back.

He's a dick. He is a dick.

He'll go to jail and come out.

Didn't, um, not Appalachino,

didn't, um, wasn't that in Casino or

something? One of those movies? The short guy?

What was his name? Yeah, yeah, it was Joe Pesci.

He had that line when he

he's talking to the banker yeah yeah but because i'm stupid the way he told that to me it was crazy

it was like well said well said richie indeed yeah he was spit it out ig yo he said i go to jail

he opened his mouth and he said i hurt people then i go to jail then i plan how to hurt them again

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system old man's not picking up

anymore okay well time for the uk speaking of k way way what i was wondering what time it is let's

call and find out let's find out that's right oh wanted to mention if you go to the forums manhouse

forums uh i forget who it was was it baz or someone else might have been bad someone uh paid

for another fiverr um promo uh it's a what it's like a hidden camera of a uk guy getting prank

called by us where he does the whole thing where he picks up you know and he's like hello five in

the morning he's like you know what looking on there there's a guy uh he'll do a whole ghetto

rant and stuff on there for like a minute 30 yeah thinking about employing his ass yeah yeah

yeah right speaking about the madhouse uh-huh speaking about the madhouse website uh are you

gonna declare the poll closed and charlie the winner uh yeah call victim here's what's going

The poll's closed. I can't think of what

the next poll should be.

I think and I brainstorm.

I don't know what to do for the next one.

Which one's better? UK Ted

or American Ted?

There we go. New poll.

New poll this weekend.

I'm just going to vote Ted.

I'm going to put

UK Ted, Ted Webb, Ted

none of the above.

We should call Charlie and tell him he won.

Yeah, it's just

American Ted.

you're so stupid

you know

you understand

you put the

fuck

and then we got

a call

Audi guy

told me

he only came

in second

if he even

picks up

we had the

one epic

two epic

calls to him

in a row

and that was it

never heard from

him again

alright here's

Charlie

let's let him

know

let him know

the good news

and yes

Bass confirms

that was him

good work Bass

thanks man

gold star for you

thanks man

much appreciated

I love it when you

guys contribute

like that

it's good

good stuff

Charlie.

What is it?

Hey, it's Cross.

How you doing, buddy?

Hey, man, you won the poll.

What won the poll?

Well, no, there was a poll.

We had a poll for the best on our radio show, the best person that we called all year last year, and you won.

You're the winner.

No, no, no.

No, you win.

You win, you stupid shit.

You stupid horse.

Call from where?

I'm calling from Honolulu.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

Yeah.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

Close to you, man.

I know.

I miss angry Charlie.

Charlie, why can't you be angry anymore?

What's going on?

Huh?

You used to be angry and mean, and we loved it.

Now you're friendly, and it's nice that you're friendly, but...

Yeah, just say, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Yeah, say that.

Go on.

I say, chinga tamale, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Yeah!

Chinga tamale way.

Hey.

Way.

Chinga tamale way.

Understand?

Chinga tamale way.

We get it.

Ha ha.

Kill you.

All right, buddy.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

God damn it.

Son of a bitch.

Charlie, you're awesome.

Yeah, right.

Have a good night, Charlie.

Bye.

Good night, Charlie.

Night.

He said good night.

He's back.

Oh, shit.

He's like a little...

He knows he's a celebrity now.

He's like, all right.

I'm crying fucking tears in my eyes.

Oh, shit.

That was awesome.

That was good.

All right.

The promised UK calls are going to be fast because it's almost 1 o'clock.

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon.

afternoon i have to work but um get an interview for apple for the new uh server bank no no apple

server bank what and oregon no god i want to work for apple i would never want to work for i mean

not saying it's bad but they don't want me there it might be a nice nice place to work at i like

to work at google man google that you can bring your dog to work i don't even have a dog i get

a dog just to take it to work i'd get a dog just to work at google yeah but if you work for apple

then you have to be in an orchard.

Hello?

Eric.

Hi.

How are you?

Hi, thank you.

Can I speak to you?

Yes.

My name is Mr. Campbell,

and I wanted you to stop urinating in your sink.

We've got a report that you've been flushing the toilet not enough,

and that all signs are pointed that what you're doing is you're peeing in the sink.

You're pissing in the sink instead of actually using the toilet.

The sink is for washing your hands only.

No, that's stupid.

I don't even know what the fuck that was about.

That was Nunu's idea.

Nunu said call about...

Call him and say he's pissing in the sink.

Here's what Nunu told me.

Nunu said...

I know somebody who went into like a...

We went to this Indian restaurant

and the bathroom was so dirty.

It was like an Indian buffet

that he later admitted that he didn't...

He didn't want to touch the toilet seat

to like lift it up to pee.

So he peed in the sink.

I've peed in the sink.

well remember the one

the skit in Jackass

in Jackass where they went

into the hardware store and took a shit

in the display toilet

yeah and then they cleaned it

that was in Portland

if you listen to the commentary on the DVD

they made

he cleaned it the guy

I think

Johnny Knox was like why didn't we just buy

the toilet and throw it away

we could have just bought it

the guy made him clean it

And put it back

And shit

And I'm like what

I wouldn't buy that

Yo that UK guy

Is just sitting there

Listening like a creep

He didn't even hang up

He's Aberdeen-ish

Hey stupid

Hey go fuck yourself chief

Yeah

Fuck your son up a bitch

Chinga to Mali

Chinga to Mali way

He got all

Chinga to Mali way

He fucking hung up

Little creeper

He said it the loudest

He ever said it before

Man

Yeah

I had never heard him say that

He did it for us

That was awesome

Alright, Eric Campbell.

Who wants Eric Campbell in Aberdeen?

I'll take him.

You will take it.

He will take it.

Okay.

Oh, Skype's screwing up.

My Skype is frozen.

I don't know if you guys can hear me, but I don't have control.

I can hear you.

My Skype is frozen.

Going up.

There we go.

I got it back.

No, I don't.

I'm trying to hit call phone.

There we go.

I think there's too many people in the conference.

We'll keep it going.

Hang on.

We're almost out of here.

Yeah, I'm not...

I'm just kidding.

I've peed in the sink a few times.

Eric, who's this?

eric campbell eric did we just call him no that was barclay different eric yes good morning eric

campbell hello sir and you hear me sir my skype is frozen i'm happy what's going on yeah i can

hear shit damn it shows in the conference that all these all those numbers you call are still

like on does it really all right let me i'm gonna disconnect the call everyone let's uh regroup we

gotta do this quickly uk ted dropped out he might be trying to help out okay all right let me uh

everyone call call back in while we went on that final uh notice here madhouse live.com is the

website to hit us up at zyklon's checking in first zyklon gets chair number one good work zyklon

ken's next i'll take the dealer button please dirty air yo yuki ted is a bitch yuki ted was

dragging down the packets i think he was so yeah carlina my cat just decided to lay down and curl

up on my foot nice gotta love it yeah i'm surprised my cat the the boy cat usually at this point in

the show he's like knocking on the door like scratching at it again and he gets really into

being here when i'm doing the show i don't know why yeah i just let my cat run around everywhere

because he's good yeah well this i got the two the females she's really close to me and the other

guy he's he has his moments he likes me but sometimes he gets really into hanging out with

me but he pisses me off man he'd be a real dickhead sometimes davi i still got the cat that

i threw stuff at once on the show yeah he's one of the peas on stuff okay anyway moving along here

uh we i ruined that aberdeen number we have another one here this is for eric kruik shank

what

Eric Kruikshank.

Kruikshank.

That's my boy.

Who wants it?

Call it now.

I do.

Okay.

You do.

Is this a UK number or is this something else?

How are you?

This is still Scotland.

Aberdeen, Scotland.

Eric Kruikshank.

Eric Kruik-Schenk.

Here, I'll take it.

Well, Ted Webb's got it.

You got the next one.

Okay.

Hello, Ms. Kruik-Schenk?

Yes?

Hi, I'm calling from the Department of Sanitation.

Do you have a few minutes?

Calling from where?

The Department of Sanitation.

Department of Meditation.

No, Sanitation.

Sanitation?

Yes.

How can I help you?

Well, we've been going around the neighborhood

recommending that residents boil their water

because there's been some contamination of dihydrogen monoxide has been making

it into the water and we recommend that you boil your water before making tea or

pasta or other things yes yes but dihydrogen monoxide is is quite

dangerous and we've detected it and we just wanted to call around and make sure

that you took precautions.

I see, yes, okay.

How far spread is this problem?

Well, dihydrogen monoxide is quite all over, really.

In some cases, it can cover up to 80% of the Earth.

Are you for real?

Yes, I'm serious as can be.

Can I call you back? Give me your number.

Okay, my number is 1-800-DIRTY-WATER.

Can I speak to the man of the house?

No, I'm afraid you can't.

How come?

Is he indisposed?

I think I'm hanging up now.

Is he in the toilet?

I shall boil the water.

Don't worry about that.

I shall do.

You need to boil your waste water before you flush.

After you use the bathroom, you have to take the water out of the toilet and boil it and then flush it.

What a...

You are a nut.

Look, boil all the water

until the yellow goes away from the water

and then you can flush it first.

I think I'll get one to the police about this.

Oh, whatever, you stupid idiot.

You're going to jump on the police?

You're going to be a little lovin'?

Look at you.

Hot cock lovin'.

Dirty little cock.

Dirty little cowgirl.

Dirty little cock.

All right.

I'm hanging up.

I'm thinking about jumping on some police for this.

Oh, shit.

Damn. Bitches in heat.

She's polite enough to let us know

she's hanging up.

Alright, so

I got some hot police dick over here.

Oh, no, yo.

Yo, yo.

Triquil created

a fake parasite called water bears.

It's really funny, so just say that

if water's contaminated.

The hell's Triquil? You don't know who Triquil is?

No. He's a guy, I think he

helped fill in for you.

I'm sorry. He's a PLA guy, right?

Yeah.

NyQuil's cousin

Oh okay cool

Tricol's like

That sounds like NyQuil

But with methamphetamine in it

That's a hardcore

Yeah hardcore NyQuil

Alright so

Zyklon

Zyklon's up

Eric Dunbar

You smoked that shit

Do it Zyklon

Do it now

Okay

Good no

3-1-0-6-2-3

Oi good morning

You bloody wanker

How are you

Alright who are you

I'm a bloody wanker too

How are you

Who are you phoning from

I'm phoning from London

London.

So, are you going to the Olympics, old chap?

Pardon?

Are you going to the Olympics?

Why not?

You're British.

It's our patriotic duty to go.

Right, hang it up.

Get it.

You should have some fucking trouble with me in that corner.

Hang up the phone.

I can't hear you.

Get it.

You got it.

All right.

Long hang-ups are the best.

All right.

Joyce Campbell.

These are all England from now on here.

What time is it?

It's one o'clock, guys.

I don't know.

I'll do one or two more.

You had to call that guy from Orlando back first.

Come on, Carlito.

I'm doing them fast.

All right, two UK calls, the Orlando guy for IG, whatever, and then we're done.

Masturbation.

I'll take one.

Take it.

This is you.

Joyce something.

I forgot.

Joyce something.

Campbell.

Joyce Campbell.

Yes, good morning, Joyce.

Good morning.

This is your wake-up call from the sanitation department.

Are you there?

Sanitation department.

Yes, ma'am.

Who are you?

Who am I?

My name is Brent Westwood.

We've been contracted...

It's a funny time to call anyone.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Did I wake you?

Well, what time do you think it is?

Well, we've been contracted, subcontracted.

We're in the United States calling on behalf of the sanitation department there in your neighborhood.

Well, it's not even 6 o'clock in the morning.

Is it?

It isn't.

It isn't?

Well, what time is it then?

Time is, well, it's two minutes past 6 in the morning.

Good morning.

morning uh we need to make sure that no one is uh urinating inside of the uh sinks today so if you

guys can go ahead and knock that off that'd be great he's gone all right nice uh quick whip there

with the fake name i was impressed i like that let me take this one the same lady chipola on

answer though follow the upper decker to detector the upper decker hello local cannot be taken at

at the moment.

We've detected a number

detected on the system.

Hello?

Oops.

So, what?

I got this one.

Yes, hello.

Joyce Chapman.

Yes, who's calling?

Yes, hi.

This is Lou.

I'm calling from

the Sanitation Department,

Royal Sanitation Administration.

I'm sure you're aware

that we have a drought

in this country right now.

We're experiencing...

Are you seriously calling

somebody at 6 o'clock

in the morning?

Yes, our calls start

at 6 o'clock in the morning.

You're the third person

on the list

because of your name.

You have a C in your name.

Well, you can't call people.

I work night shift.

I've just come back at 5 in the morning.

Oh, so you're awake.

Well, that's why you got the call now, because you just got home.

You should be home by now.

You should be having dinner.

But that's none of your business.

How dare you call me at this time in the morning?

I've got four kids in my house.

Shut up.

The most important thing is that you don't flush the toilet for the next 24 hours.

If you have to urinate, we're asking that the men urinate in the sink directly

and the women urinate in a cup

and then pour it down the sink.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Why in a cup?

Did she star six nine you or what?

It was a cup.

In children's mouths.

I think a cup.

It would have to be a big cup,

16 ounces.

Well, how else are women going to...

Hello?

You're not available now.

Please use your...

Hello?

Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

All right.

Well, I had a bunch of numbers.

Like, we got Tasmania here.

We got a Greek restaurant.

Let's call them.

Let me call them.

Say Malaka real quick.

That'll be fun.

We're not available now.

We'll get available, bitch.

I'm pretty sure Zyklon, all he knew was mate and, like, good day and whatever he made that call.

Ask him if they know the Greek army's motto.

Ooh, what's that?

You know, I was just trying to piss that guy off.

You're put.

Savakian shots, Karen speaking.

Yeah, Akrapas Savlaki bar.

Yes?

Yeah, so let's make an order for Malaka.

Let's make an order for what, sorry?

Malaka.

Um, I don't think we have that.

Yeah, Malaka is masturbator.

That's funny.

Yeah, well, do you do that?

He does not.

Is Tasmania a different country?

I didn't know.

It's listed here.

Call her back.

Call her back real fast.

All right.

Apologize.

Yeah, I'll make amends for you.

Thank you.

On behalf of...

Hello?

Hello.

I was calling to see if you knew the motto of the Greek army.

It's a poll that I'm doing.

Listen, I suggest you go and get a life, okay?

See you later.

Bitch.

skank

got a point though

who was gonna do

who was gonna call

chill fag

was that you

Richie

yeah

alright

I'm gonna say

remember me

alright

this is the last call

of the night

there's big

big pressure

on you

try not to giggle

a lot of pressure

I don't giggle

a lot of pressure

he doesn't giggle anymore

he's got

he's got rain

in the living room now

watch out

I don't get it

Richie

Richie G

hello

yo remember me

you said you're gonna make

you said you're gonna go to jail

and got out

You're going to hurt me

And you're going to go back to jail again

Well I just got out of jail

A couple weeks ago

You want to square

That is recidivism

You want to square out man

Do it

I've been benching 350 each day

In jail

With a dude named Bubba

Threatening to kill me

Huh

You ever been like that

He's gone

Son of a bitch

Why don't you lift weights

With someone who's threatening to kill you

Yeah I just learned that word recidivism

Yeah right

I just learned that name

That word recidivism

That's good

good where you keep going in and out of jail nice okay well guys that's it for the show thank you

very much for helping out on your interview good job good luck thanks for the show hey tell them

that you're a ninja at your job that you're gonna kick the butt of the competition if you're hired

i'm gonna karate chop the desk bring some madhouse tapes for a reference yeah absolutely

if they don't hire you tell them you fuck you son of a bitch

and i'll flip the desk the desks over i'll keep doing it till they give me show me your website

for reference there you go all right guys please give me this job i don't want to just tell him

please i need this job i don't want to go back to jail all right let's get a 50 50 shot i don't

want to go back to stealing cars okay bye zyklon take it easy zyklon's gone bye carlito uh dirty

Dirty Aaron's gone.

Bye, Dirty Aaron.

Good night, sir.

All right, go shave or something.

All right, Cobra Man, you're out of here.

On your ass.

Richie, good work tonight.

Peace and love.

Ted Webb, very nice having you again.

Always an honor and a pleasure.

Who else is on here?

I don't know the rest of you.

You're all out of here.

Big Ken.

Charlie's the champ.

Big Ken.

All right, look at that.

We're done.

All right, folks, well, real quick, thanks to everyone who sent in parent call requests

tonight.

We got to a lot of them.

uh i want to apologize well thank you to lonesome loser of course first and foremost uh prank call

machine uh confirmation or uh did he get he sent in a lot of numbers that i didn't get to but i

got to a lot of them there so in my defense i did the best i could there you go uh rbcp said

thanks for the ding call that was really good too we had fun with that uh tabachi sent in a number

two i think he sent to the old guy uh that was pretty good i can't uh baz also thank you for

for that Fiverr video you got taken care of.

And also thank you for your help with the Saipan numbers.

So, yeah, everyone who sent the numbers, thank you.

Everyone who we prank called tonight, thank you even more.

Visit madhouselive.com, blueplanetprankradio.com,

and cactiradio.com, phonelosers.org, all that shit, whatever.

Congratulations to Big Charlie, and we out of here.

Good night, take care, see you next week.

And Johnny Brennan, we're coming for you.

Yeah, Quick Pick?

Yeah, how you doing?

Calls (31, 1 h 21 min of 2 h 46 min)

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