Accused of Being Un-Patriotic

uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh i forgot somebody oops i got milkman oops i always forget something

hey everybody this is madhouse radio i am carlito march the 22nd thursday 2012

nothing specifically in that order but that's what it is congratulations y'all you are here

or you're listening live or you're listening

on the podcast, I'm good for you.

Yeah. Yeah, man.

That's awesome. We'll be doing prank calls

tonight, talking and shit. Having a

good old time. Best way

to listen to this show? Please enjoy

the following music while your party is

being reached. Having a good old time.

See if Milkman can talk to the customer. Milkman.

What's up, man? Starting the show.

How you doing? What's happening?

Happening? What isn't happening?

How you doing, man? Better than everything,

everything man i'm just hanging cruising man doing my thing man watch your time did you just

say there's an app for everything yeah okay cool man yeah look it up man there's an app called

everything groovy all right nothing i was just getting ready to tell everybody the best way to

listen to this show either you play it on your iphone your android or you turn up your computer

speakers real loud you go to the kitchen you sit down on the kitchen counter and you drink and

you listen to the show and you smoke right there smoke a cigar or a cigarette right there in the

the kitchen okay if you got them baby right there in the kitchen and if your mom and dad tells you

now you tell them shut up flip the cigarette out shut up blow a puff of smoke out of let them know

yeah you'll get really far with that second thought don't listen to that

cram that pack of cigarettes down your mouth just take off run make you smoke every single one

then you'll learn yeah that's better than soap in your mouth at least my dad caught me smoking

weed and tried to do that it didn't work it didn't oh god it didn't have the same effect

every parents like you know smoking tobacco when i was a kid my dad like was like very young was

like a big like you know we decided we're gonna try cherry smelled good okay we go out a couple

big old do that we was done oh he's really slick his mom on you know and all of a sudden all moms

actually hit up underneath of their income songs like what you guys been doing oh that's my mom

watching TV. I don't think

so. I smell smoke.

My mom sniffed the back

door through the living room, through the kitchen,

right underneath the couch,

exactly where he sat, the butt to this.

She told my dad, and I had to sit there

and smoke and smoke that.

Wow.

My parents are alike in some things, man.

Yeah, my mom was the same. I couldn't

smoke pot in the house when I was a kid

because she'd smell it, and she'd know.

She'd smell all over the place just like that

until she found whatever.

the same way my parents kind of gave up with me on weed after a certain point i mean they tried

i mean my father went all the way to take me to the to the cop station and tell him to take my

blood man to scare me and they'll take admitting that i smoked pot and i lied wow yeah my parents

my parents eventually gave up they're like whatever i mean he's just a part of it after a

while it was like whatever then i found out my old man was smoking pot i said you old bastard

so why didn't you tell me well because you're my son i'm like you didn't have to fucking do that

I gave you a blast, man.

Come on.

So I actually got to party with Pop, man, long before he died.

Became a total asshole.

There you go.

Cool.

Well, we're here.

It's time for Madhouse.

Madhouse Radio on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.

If, what's the other one?

I don't know.

Whatever.

Just figure it out.

Just go to madhouselive.com.

Madhouselive.com.

That's the website.

site request a prank request a prank we are uh streaming live over at manhouselive.com

cactiradio.com we're in the cactus the big cactus tonight and also join us in chat chat

thanks milkman we're also on blue planet prank radio uh and uh prankarchive.com apparently

don't forget to sign up for the prank podcast the prank cast so to say that's right the manhouse

house prank cast join our forum while you're at it please do yes get involved in the forum man

come on man yeah man we got everything going on you might as well be part of the club yep we got

a lot of people in the prank uh the prank chat room hello to everybody uh people are starting

to filter their way in making their way in prank requests are coming in new news here lonesome

loser will join us shortly uh msc3 clay jumping in early on says he wants to mention he was

browsing the madhouse archives renner cost the car kicking aftermath called god damn you uh

yeah what happened three quarters of the prank i did a spit take when you and the father ended up

in a tennis match with the same god damn you good stuff thank you msc3 play yeah it's fun

it's just a back and forth god damn you god damn you

back and forth yeah buddy so um yeah i'm going out of town this weekend i'm going to be hitting

the big city i'm excited about that what city are you going to be uh no i'm actually going to dc

this weekend man i'm gonna check out the big city uh star city huh it's capital city the capital

all the capitals here you go star city baby um i'm planning on i don't know hitting up a few

museums you know uh i think they have a cold war museum out there i don't even haven't even done

the research yet um yeah cliff says there's nobody in a warm war museum i just said i wanted

to i was telling my wife i wanted to get find a good place to eat in dc preferably one of those

places where they have brazilian style meat where they make it on the skewers you know they keep

bringing it to you and feeding you meat.

Oh, kebab, kebab.

You're talking about like a Turkish place or something like that, a kebab place.

No, no, no, no, no.

The Brazilian style, they make the meat on these huge skewers

that are about maybe like four feet tall, three or four foot tall.

Oh.

Right?

They put them in the fire in an open pit.

And they got like, they'll have like maybe five, six, seven different types

going in the kitchen at the same time.

And then when they're done, they go around the restaurant, the servers, right?

and they tell you, this is marinated beef, do you want this?

And you say yes, and they carve it right there off the huge skewer,

and they put it on your plate, and they keep going to the next table.

You know, and you just sit there, and they bring the meat to you.

Making me hungry, Jackson.

And you pay for it.

You pay to get in.

You usually pay like a good $40, $50, $60, but it's worth it,

because you eat your ass off the meat.

Oh, man, that's a lot of all you can eat.

Yeah, man.

Argentinian slash Brazilian style.

out it's good stuff oh man i gotta find me one of those i heard brazilian steak houses are good i

never got to eat one look for texas look for uh texas day brazil where you live that's nice that's

that's one of the big chains that does that called texas beef and brazil texas day brazil texas and

then de you know like day brazil texas like the state but texas jesus christ the lone star state

right texas yeah and then d e like spanish for the oh okay the brazil the brazil texas

the brazil is okay now i got it yeah and there's you know yeah that's okay yeah and then there's

another one called fogo de show f-o-g-o and then show they show is s-h i'm sorry c-h-a-o

it's a brazilian name also oh the show the show show the show is the way you're supposed to say

it, but yeah.

That's another national chain

that does that. I don't know if they're in the

West Coast or not, but you'll find one.

You'll find one out there. Look for

Churrascaria.

I'm sure we'll be able to Google it real quick

and find out. Maybe we'll get a call there

and place an order. There you go.

That'd be a good spot for a prank call, a Fogo Day

show or Texas

Day Brazil or something, you know?

That'd be good.

Just get into the specifics

of spelling it correctly. That'd be a good thing.

Nunu says, stop talking about food.

Well, what do you want, man?

Just don't be jealous because, you know, you can't afford food in the U.K.

Hey, we don't all have food stamps.

Don't be jealous.

Some of us actually have real food.

Don't be jealous because you live in a country that rations its meat,

and you can only have one piece of meat a week like you do over there.

That's right.

And you have to eat spam.

And you have to use coupons to go to Tesco with Nunu.

I heard in the U.K. you're only allowed to have so much meat in your house

With your license

Your meat license

They don't let you have so much meat

And if they have more meat than that

They take it away

They burn

There you go

They pour chlorine on the meat

The Clorox on the meat

And ruin it

In front of you

Oh wow

And then they make you eat it

Oh that sounds good

You know it'd be clean

Yeah

That's a good idea for a prank call

Not for the UK

Accused of having

Too much meat

Than to have

Some World War 2 style shit

The rationing

You have more meat

Than your ration book

Say you should have

Oh, boy.

Sounds good.

Yeah, just get your Tesco's coupon and head to the bean row

and ask Nunu to assist you in the most delicious choice of the day.

Now, Nunu kicked out Closo because Closo made fun of the British chief.

Nunu, don't be like that.

That's not nice.

All right?

That's not necessary.

Come on, man.

Some of these guys.

You guys are letting me down, man.

You guys are really, really disappointing me.

You know, some of these guys take it serious.

The chat room, you know, they take it serious.

I mean, the chat room is fine, but it's not like total heresy saying that somebody in Britain needs a tooth chop.

I mean, come on, the fact is 99% of them do.

Yeah, Nunu's drunk with power, I'm telling you.

Why have us a Nunu, you're supposed to be opping Kokanee, he's not opp?

You see what I mean?

Yeah, okay, so now it's all Nunu show.

Sleeping at the wheel.

Take a look at my chat.

And you're going to be all, just the whole Nunu show in the chat.

Nunu is, uh, yeah.

Come on, Nunu.

Lighten up, man.

Put some of our main people back up there where they belong.

These guys deserve it.

They've stuck with this as you have too, my friend.

That's right.

Nunu is, uh, yeah, just like the captain of the Titanic, asleep when the Titanic hits

the iceberg, just like two weeks ago with UK 10.

Asleep at the wheel, not paying attention.

and acknowledge the accomplishments

of some of our long-term listeners, Nunu.

Share the glory.

All right, well, Ben, Nunu will get upset now.

He gets real particular.

He will do it.

I know, but I'm still going to bust his balls

because he really made my chat pout.

My chat pout, man.

It's my job to keep people in the chat,

but you do bounce them when they need it,

but let's not go crazy.

Thank you.

Enough said.

I'll shut the chat room down.

Listen, we're going to call Baz over here,

Our big friend, Big Baby Baz, found a number from the past.

How's he been doing?

I haven't heard from him, man.

He's our West Canadian representative, I do believe.

How's he been?

Well, he passed a few kidney stones last week, but he's doing better, he said.

He's been drinking his cranberry juice, and he's been...

I told him you take your corn husks, you know, you buy corn,

and you hang on to the corn silk, and you boil that.

You make a tea out of it.

I know it sounds nasty.

It doesn't taste that bad, but that's the best thing.

I'm going to lay off the toms, man.

Like, those toms.

Iced tea will do that.

Yeah.

Toms are rolling.

You're doing a lot of toms.

They're rolling.

Well, iced tea will do that also, Milkman.

Okay?

I'm just saying.

Oh, did you get toms, too?

I have, yeah.

You remember I got them.

Oh, my God.

I like them rolling.

See, there is some toms.

There is some toms.

I've never had them.

Okay, good.

Well, hey.

We got a blast from the past from Big Baz.

And now we're going to play the prank first.

One of our older pranks.

Now, Milkman, I'm going to tell you what.

But if you piss me off when we call this guy the second time

and you keep talking over it and laughing and talking about your name is Walter,

I'm going to hang up on you for a whole month, all right?

Don't bullshit me.

The last time I called Gritsen Groceries Liquor back in 2006,

Baz found the phone number.

How did I get Walter?

Yeah, I know.

That was when I was dying.

You almost ruined this prank.

You just about ruined it.

I had to edit out all this laughing that you did out of it,

and half the prank got lost.

But I salvaged it.

Let's play this prank first.

and then we're going to call them.

Grits and Groceries.

What do you mean, pal?

But, man, you took out the...

You wish.

You're backing guys here

for enjoyment of the moment, man.

That's what I do.

I had a little nuance to it,

but I probably overdid it.

Hey, Grits and Groceries, right, sir?

You got it.

All right.

Yes, sir.

So you're going to make up your mind or what?

Make up my mind about what?

Is it grits or is it groceries or is it liquor?

It's grits and groceries and liquor.

So I can go in there and get some grits right now?

You got cheese grits or ham grits or what?

We got them in the pack.

You can buy them and take them home and cook them.

Fuck that shit, man. I want you to make my grits for me.

We don't make grits.

Then why do you have grits in your first name, asshole?

Why are you asking so damn many questions?

Because if I'm going to drive down there and not waste my gas, I'll tell you what, gas is expensive there, old boy.

You know, I want some.

It sure is.

Yeah, well, it is. Well, shit, I think it's false advertising you say that the first thing you sell is grits.

I ain't got time to listen to all this bullshit. What you want?

How do you make grits? If I go down there and get a pack of grits, you eat grits, fat boy, or what?

Yeah, I eat grits.

All right, how am I going to make the water?

I take this bag of grits and throw it in some water?

How do I do it?

I don't know how you make them.

You can do them any way you want to.

You're a fat fucker, aren't you?

I know I ain't a fat fucker.

I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

What did you just say to me?

I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

How dare you talk to me like that on the phone?

I dare you to talk to me that way.

You just said the F word.

I'm just calling for some grits.

Who the hell is this?

This is Bo.

Who?

Bo.

Bo Steen.

Bo Steen?

Write it down, you fat fucker.

Bo Steen.

How do you know I'm a fat fucker?

Because I can hear it in your big, fat, wally-ass voice.

Your gravy chin, bro.

What can I hear in your wally-ass voice?

You hear it?

Yeah, I'm a homosexual.

I hear a bunch of bullshit.

That's what I hear.

I'm going to go down there and make you eat my shit out of my ass, and it has semen mixed in it.

I got a damn 38 that says you ain't going to make me do a damn thing.

Oh, I got you on tape threatening me.

It's over.

You better give me some free liquor.

I ain't giving you shit.

Well, I'm going to go down there and give you some shit.

I'm going to punch you in the mouth, you fat redneck.

I'm going to go down there.

You're going to make me some grits, and I'm going to have sex with you.

How are you going to go down there?

I ain't down there.

I'm up here.

I said down there, because I'm up here north.

I'm in New York.

Oh, who is this?

I told you.

My name is Bo Steen.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Oh, I'm a good old boy from town, and I'm going to go down there.

You're going to make me some grits.

What?

Which town?

The town that you're in, you stupid asshole.

Chesterfield.

Y'all ain't know where the hell you're at, boy?

See what I mean, Milkman? Why did you talk so much over this prank?

I got so mad at you, remember, after this?

You pissed me off, man.

The whole prank, it's just him.

This is a hog gut.

This is a bacon sir.

Why are you here?

You don't know your name.

Don't change ring no bell with me.

You're such a goddamn homosexual, you don't even know what town you live in anymore.

You're a damn lying son of a bitch, too.

You're a stupid cock and you're a liar.

If you don't tell me what the hell you want and what you called me for,

I want some grits, I said.

G-R-E-T-Z.

I told you you could go to the grocery store

anywhere and get grits.

Well, I want grits from your place, because your place says grits.

I ain't going to sell you none.

I don't like your attitude.

You don't even know who I am.

I'm going to go down there and force you.

I said I didn't know, and I'm fixing to hang up.

You don't need me to sell me no grits.

You're going to make it for me for free.

I ain't making nothing.

I'm going to use it as lubrication to have anal sex with you.

No, you're not having no anal sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, Luke.

No, you're not.

It's going to be just like when your cousin was in town.

What cousin?

Your cousin.

Your cousin, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife.

What?

Who?

Your cousin, boyfriend, mother, sister, wife, cousin.

Oh, yeah, you're talking about it.

I ain't got time for this bullshit.

I'm working.

His name's Ernest.

I'm going to pull all your pubic hair out and make a sandwich and make you eat it in front of me with grits.

You can go to hell, too.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

This is Bo Steen, I said.

Who is that?

Bo Steen.

I don't give a damn.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Why are you asking what my name is, you crack-ass crack-ass?

What's your name?

This is Bo Gritz.

We lost him.

See what I mean, Milkman?

Milkman, are you there?

Answer.

Answer the accusations.

You spoke all over this prank call.

It pisses me off to hear this.

It could have been such a good prank, but all you hear is Milkman in the background.

You could just sit there, could you?

Gritz, I'm grocery ABC store.

Yes, hi.

Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to make a donation to the homosexual movement of South Carolina.

What did I just get through telling you?

That you wouldn't make me...

I don't want you to come back here anymore.

Look, boy, I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy. I ain't no boy.

I'm old enough to be your father, boy.

And here I am getting upset about a prank call that we did back in...

Ah, it's going to be six years.

According to this, it was April of 2006.

Wow, God, it's been that long.

I can't believe it.

Milkman, where are you?

Call him back.

Milkman's all upset now.

Now, everybody knows I'm mad at me.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Well, what's going on?

Hey, what?

What's going on?

Why aren't you talking?

I'm trying to ask you questions.

You're not answering.

I'm in the middle.

I got it.

Now, why'd you talk so much over that prank call six years ago?

Why'd you do that, man?

Because he was late and I needed to put up a little bit.

You're an asshole.

I need to stir a little concrete here myself.

There's a little hot gut.

There's a little bacon.

All right, let me call you back, man.

I got it.

Real jerk.

Bye.

bye all right let's call that place back from 2006 i'm just kidding i'm not upset i was upset

when it happened i remember i had a conversation with him because i don't ever fucking do that

again i'll talk over my pranks that's something already does i got mad at him i was sending one

of the pranks in the last podcast he kept talking over it i hung up on him he's calling right now

like he wants to be on the show you're gonna be on the show ever again asshole oh man come on pick

up man one last ring well that went nowhere we got more numbers here to call more numbers to

call lucy film we're sending in a number for fogo to show fogo to chow it's good got a website there

got a phone number i gotta think what i'll do with that i think jack master's gonna call in

something about the beef something about the meat you guys come up with the idea help me out the

first prank of the night's a lot of pressure usually not ready usually not too good nunu

hasn't sent anything yet he's too busy pushing people out of the prank of the prank chat room

Ken says beef is tainted.

The cook was fucking it.

No beer.

Yeah, I got beer.

I'm drinking my gin and tonic first, and then I'm going to have my beer.

Don't worry.

It's over here.

My beer is here, man.

Enigma is asking about the beer.

All right.

So, Baz, that number didn't work.

We'll keep moving on here.

Royale with cheese.

Sending a number for an iPhone trade band guy.

Thought this could be a good time, like milk band with a French woman.

This guy lives in New York.

He wants a Verizon iPhone 4S.

I'm looking for someone with an iPhone 4S who wants to trade phones with me.

I have a Droid Bionic.

Why would you want to trade a Droid Bionic for an iPhone 4S?

That's pretty stupid.

I think he is.

If you're up for trade, I will throw in a new 6th generation iPod Nano in $40 cash.

I'll confuse it with an iPad that he's throwing in.

I'll speak Puerto Rican to him.

He's in New York, so he probably is Puerto Rican, too.

iPhone 4S for a Droid Bionic.

Here we go.

Droid is the rising ringback tone while your party is reached.

What are you doing there, guy?

I understand you.

I understand you have the iPhone.

Do you want to trade for the iPhone?

I would like to trade for the iPhone 4S, yes.

Okay, that sounds good.

Do you have a Droid Bionic?

I got here according to the computers.

The computer says that you want iPhone 4S, which I have,

and you will trade phones with you.

You have a Droid Bionic 4G, and you want iPhone,

iphone and you're up for trade you will throw in sixth generation ipad and forty dollars okay

yeah okay sounds good um so you have an iphone 4s for verizon uh-huh yeah it's unlocked iphone

4s verizon lte iphone is iphone um i have it says iphone it's an iphone 4s the new one right

iphone is a new iphone yeah it's an iphone um and then the ipad you have tell me about

How many gigs, how many jigs does it have?

Eight jigs?

Yes.

That's the small, how's the screen on the iPad?

Is it the Wi-Fi iPad or is it the LTE iPad or 3G?

Which one is it?

It's not like the big tablet.

It's just for music only.

Yeah, the iPad.

The iPod.

The Apple, yeah.

It's really small.

I know, it's amazing.

I was on the TV computers that they show that the iPad is small,

it's very small, you can carry it around.

Yeah, it has a clip on it.

It has a very small touch screen, probably about an inch and a half thick.

Touch screen iPad?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's nice.

It's very nice.

Okay?

Okay.

All right, so what can you do with the iPad?

You can put music on it, and you can...

Watch movies?

Can you watch the YouTube computers?

No, you can't watch YouTube or any of that.

It only holds music.

Does it get the position of the satellite, the SPICE?

Is it in the position of the SPICE?

SPICE.

I actually.

How do you get the position on the iPad, the position for the satellite, for Spice?

I'm actually meeting somebody tomorrow about it.

Well, how much they give you?

How about you meet them and you keep the, you meet me and you keep the $40?

Actually, they said they just want the cash and they don't want the iPod.

So I'm just going to be giving them the cash instead of the iPod.

Well, then you're dealing with a stolen iPhone then.

Think about it.

Who wants $40 for an iPhone?

Who wants to sell an iPhone for us for $40?

No, they're not.

I'm giving them my Bionic and $40 for their iPhone.

But do you keep the iPhone then, and you keep the Droid, and I just take the iPad?

We'll talk about that.

And then I give you my iPhone.

It's kind of late right now.

Everybody's...

Well, listen, do you want to go to McDonald's with me and we get hamburgers?

And then you show me how to get the computers on it, right?

I'm sorry.

I got to go.

Show me how to get the computers, you stupid shit.

You're stupid.

That was stupid.

That was altogether stupid.

Altogether a stupid weak call.

But the first call of the night is usually weak.

Let's try to call back.

Enjoy this Verizon ringback tone while your party is reached.

Hobzoid saying he laughed.

That's a nasty liar.

Lost a piece still.

Hello.

I am Nunu.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

That's Nunu's theme song.

That's Nunu's ringtone when you call his phone.

He gets that.

That's what it sounds like.

how much for sister nunu says nunu why don't you tell me that i did during a prank you know

see what i mean sleeping at the wheel sleeping at the wheel nunu sleeping at the wheel again

i'll tell you fuckers what i've been making gin and tonics and they got these new i'm always a

sugar-free ice sugar-free drink theme fiend right katie k knows me and him talk about sugar-free

drinks all the time i talk about sugar-free drinks on the show all the time they got these new meos

right i'm sure you guys seen the commercials for them they're these little pat these little

bottles like this big okay and they're concentrated liquid inside sugar-free they come in maybe 10 12

15 different varieties and you put like two or three squirts in your glass or your cup and you

you fill with water and then seven having to make crystal eye or kool-aid where you got to mix it

and mix it and all this shit all you got to do is put a few squirts and it's all ready to go

sugar-free drink and iced tea and different fruit flavors you know it's great man so what i do is i

make a gin and tonic and then i put a few squirts of whatever flavor i want right now i'm having a

black cherry one a black cherry gin and tonic it's great man i'm telling you it's great i went

I went to Amazon and I bought a package of nine different varieties of Mio's.

And I got it free shipping in two days.

Two of them are Mio energy drinks.

They actually put caffeine in them.

You can make your own energy drink.

I just recommend Mio's.

M-I-O's.

Thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Nunu sends in a number.

Found this on Twitter.

Posted 38 minutes ago.

Her number is blah, blah, blah.

Yes, all of Twitter.

That is my mom's cell phone number.

Feel free to prank call her all night long.

Nunu confirmed a middle-aged woman answer.

Didn't sound like she had been pranked yet.

Daughter must be called Lexi.

All right, well, here we go.

So she says that's her mother.

I mean, it could be somebody else, Nunu, you know?

And again, you'd be sleeping at the wheel like normal, like usual.

I'm giving you a hard time, man.

I'm just having fun.

Nunu's a good guy.

I respect...

Nunu's been with me since the beginning, man, since the first show.

This is way back 2005, back in the Brill Building.

Seven years now, we're going to be doing Madhouse.

Seven-year anniversary.

We've got to do an anniversary show this year in four months, man.

Fuck it.

This July, we're going to do it.

I missed the anniversary show the last two years.

I used to make a big deal about it and have a prank call.

Best of the last year.

We'll do that this time.

One year, we did the show live from a bar.

Just leave me a message and I will...

Shut up.

Hello?

Hi, lady.

My name is Fogo.

I work with Fogo de Chão.

And Lexi told me to give you a call.

You know Lexi?

What was that again?

Lexi told me to give you a call.

I love the Fogo do Chão, you know.

And who is this?

My name is Mr. Fogo.

I'm with Fogo do Chão.

I have a business in town.

We have Brazilian-style meats.

Have you ever been in a place where you sit down and they bring the meat to you?

And they bring it to your table and you tell them if you want this or that,

we cut it for you, put it on your plate?

Have you ever had that kind of meat?

No.

Well, then that's why we're calling,

because Lexi wanted us to send you to this place to have some meat,

a different okay now we have a full we're not interested well we have a full pasta bar also

this and then you get a free bottle of wine also for your table and it's free no thank you all you

have to do is watch a video that i made where i masturbate inside the video and tell you but

the meat is i just start touching myself i can't control it thank you please just watch my video

then don't worry about the meat okay girlito right on logo they show live demand saying sup

what's up leave me a message and i will give you a call back thank you bye ah yes i was supposed

to speak to the lady about the meat in the movie event that's going on she was they paid for her

to come in and watch the meat and movie event the what meat in the movie what is that well you come

and we're at Fogo de Show

and you come and the servers bring skewers of meat

and 10 different varieties

coming out of three different kitchens at the same time

and you tell us if you want some of this or some of that

we cut it and put it on your plates, all you can eat

and then there's a video that I made myself that you get to watch

it talks about Brazil and then in the video I appear naked

and then, you know, there's things that happen in the video

and we want her to rate the movie

she fits the demographic that we need her to

yeah I don't think so if you ever call her

don't be an asshole listen just because you're

jealous okay yeah we'll send

a number to her don't ever call her

let me ask you this and I'll leave you alone I promise

are you her husband my number are you her husband

how'd you get Lexi gave it to us

on the computers well what's the

problem don't ever call us

I'm gonna call you a few more times I'm just

letting you know now okay then this number

is going to the police don't know I

don't give you permission to do that you can't

I can't do it unless I give you permission.

You can't give my information out like that.

Who do you think you are?

You called this number.

This is not the police department.

Well, this phone number was given out publicly, okay?

You understand it's public domain now.

And if you get a phone call from me on accident, then it's just your fault for doing it.

It's not my fault.

Don't get nasty with me.

I'll put a lawsuit so fast on you, your head will spin.

Is that what you want?

Please just leave me a message, and I will give you a call back.

Thank you.

What do you mean, just leave me a message?

Just leave me a message.

Very presumptuous of her.

I wasn't going to do anything else but leave a message.

please send me a message and call again hello yeah yes lexi told me to call uh yeah what on

the computers what the computer machines oh she connected on the computer and set the call

what number what are you talking about

listen do you want me to give you the information

i'm trying to help him out try him again just leave me a message and i'll just let him be

You let them be.

Let them be.

Lexi's in big trouble.

Why would Lexi do that?

Lexi, Lexi, I don't know.

What's your deal, Lexi?

Big Lexi?

You're in trouble, girl.

Lexi went on Twitter, gave out her parents' phone number, apparently, or says they're her parents, and told everyone to prank call.

Anyway, moving right along.

More prank requests here.

New news in the house.

Once and Loose joining us shortly.

Send your prank requests over at madhouselive.com.

Do that now.

I wanted to mention here, folks.

Folks, I did run across a brand new prank call from Prank University,

formerly known as PrankNet.

I was contacting it by one of their staff or one of their super fan listeners.

They said, hey, I heard one of your recent shows.

You said PrankNet.

They're not called PrankNet anymore.

They're Prank University.

They don't do violent calls anymore.

They do, what do they do now?

They just do regular prank calls.

they don't do calls where they break windows and pull fire alarms anymore uh-huh so you know you

should listen sometime get educated learn about the new prank university is different i'm like

okay let me go check it out so then i i listened to the newest prank that big dex released right

the newest prank call that big dex released and i was just curious i don't i'm not trying to say

that i'm hating on these guys or nothing but um i just i'm gonna play some it's a 48 minute long

call it's on you it's on a youtube channel prank university on youtube the thing is it's fucking

hilarious i was talking to brad about it rbcp and we both agree i've laughed my wife's listened to

it and we've been laughing about it all week it's funny um and yeah they're not doing lots

of damage in this prank call they're not breaking having the hotel guests break windows and all this

shit uh creating millions of dollars of damage but basically what happens they call a 57 year

year old woman who's menstruating first of all how a 57 year old woman is still menstruating i

don't know but that she apparently is um they call her and say there's two rapists in the room next

to you they're in the hallway you need to start yelling so they go away so she starts going to

the door banging on the door yelling and all this shit go away rapist you will not rape me

you will not enter my vagina funny funny stuff okay whatever so security comes down and she

starts yelling at the security but then they convince her to pull down her pajamas and pee

pee she pees all over the door uh then she tries to poop but she can't poop they even told her

stick a finger up your ass to get the poop out but she couldn't do it because she had already

taken a shit before she went to sleep this is a two o'clock in the morning mind you when this

happened then after that um they tell her that the quote-unquote the rapist is allergic to

vaginal secretions and she needs to masturbate and in order to scare him away and she needs to

have an orgasm so she starts faking an orgasm or having an orgasm i don't know at this point 30

minutes goes by and she's a 57 year old woman is sitting on the floor of her hotel room yelling

and pounding at the door at security guards yelling at the top of her lungs masturbating

while she's on her period um she's peed in the hotel room door uh and um the cops show up and

And then the cops break into the room and they talk to her for like, we get about 15 minutes worth of audio of the cops asking her, what the fuck is your problem?

Why are you doing this?

Why wouldn't you open the door without someone's attacking you?

Let me play a little bit of it.

I'm just curious to see if you guys think this is wrong or not.

I mean, it's funny.

Yeah, it is funny.

But has PrankNet, a.k.a. Prank University, have they really turned New Leaf?

Are they just as controversial as they were before?

Let's play a little bit of this.

Madam?

Huh?

He's allergic to tacos.

I want you to yell, please shove your taco into me as you're having an argument.

Take your taco into me!

There's a police in the door.

No, no, no, no.

It's the rapist, ma'am.

No!

Keep going, ma'am.

Keep going.

Oh, my God, there's a taco!

Ma'am, you need to come right now.

You can't.

Don't stop.

Oh, my God, there's a taco!

Oh, my God.

You can't stop coming, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

That's awesome.

I have a badge.

Anyway, it continues on from there.

The conversation with the cops is kind of funny, too.

It's hard to believe it's real.

Like, at certain points, some of this has to be fake.

Excuse me, but it's just because that lady's so outrageously fucking stupid.

It's not fake, I can assure you.

in my estimate, I'm pretty good at spotting fake pranks

and stuff like that. It's not. She's just a crazy

fucking woman. If you keep

listening in, like, then her family, her family

will stay in the hotel, too. They go get the family

and the family's like, she's never done anything like this

before.

The cop's like, are you bleeding? And she's like,

yes, I'm bleeding because I have my menstruation.

God damn it.

So, it's

like, well, me

and some other people who have

listened to this this week are just

just tossing like you know is it bad it's funny yeah it's funny i've said this about prank net

prank university before it's funny stuff uh but obviously you know the damage in prank calls isn't

helping out the prank call seat is just putting a negative light and it's just gonna get the

fucking fbi to crack down on all prank call internet sites um and i know that i know they've

come out with new rules saying we don't do this we don't do that but if you think about it it's

hard to feel bad for the lady yeah i want to say it's wrong that they made some crazy fucking lady

masturbate and pee on a hotel but then again she's not retarded she admits it herself she's

on a medication she doesn't have any trouble she's not schizophrenic her family says she's not

she's just dumb um it's borderline but i i think it gets a pass because i mean it's different they

were prank calling like someone who was mentally retarded you know there if there was a hotel room

with a mentally retarded person they call it said you know yeah you know go jerk off in the hallway

way then that's wrong the person's mentally retarded but this is a dumb gullible person

who fell for it i don't know i'm just just thought i'd share the prank called and listening to this

week 48 minutes worth of that cliff says funny shit but so is a streaker running naked through

an elementary school bus true still think he should be arrested for being a pervert though

we've done some not so nice stuff here but nothing too i mean we've never had any i think the most

damage we've ever done here in the show what is it well we had charlie patton uh drop his uh

cordless phone in a tub

full of water. And that means nothing.

The cordless phone started working. We called

them the next week and the cordless phone was working again.

We just had to dry off.

We're going to find a mentally retarded convention.

Awesome. Nunu says that was Milkman's

wife or Milkman's girlfriend last

weekend. That was live audio from

Milkman last week while

we were doing the show. That's what it

sounded like. Oh yeah.

Okay, moving right along with more prank calls

here. Lonesome Loser showing up.

Oh, that's good.

Lonesome.

Nice to see you.

If anybody wants to join in the Skype chat, now's the time.

You can do that.

Join me.

Why don't you?

Madhouse.

Radio on Skype.

Usually by now, a bunch of people will try to call in.

I don't know what's going on this week where you guys don't want to join.

Fine.

All right.

Fine.

You guys don't care anymore.

Gotcha.

Hooah.

Heard, understood, and acknowledged.

Dustin has sent in a number for a tow truck company, and there is no school in this town

unlike Auburndale.

Okay.

Dirty Aaron.

How you doing, man?

How's it going?

Number one ass kisser on the phone.

Yes, awesome.

The Madhouse Yes Man.

Welcome.

Yes Man.

Is it Yes Sir or Yes Man?

I don't know.

All right.

And Dirty Aaron's gone.

Nice to hear.

Yes, hello.

Is this Tow Truck?

Is this Tow Truck Machine?

Yeah, is it a Tow Truck Machine that you have there?

Okay, good.

How much do you charge to come out here in Auburndale?

I just want to see the truck.

What kind of truck is it that you have?

What model?

Okay.

Which ones do you...

What's the newest one you have?

Oh, nice.

i like peterbilt's my dad used to drive a peterbilt um okay did you just come by and maybe

just we could drive just drive around the block a little bit and honk your horn honk the horn a

little bit it's real easy work i'll pay you for your time well no i mean i'll pay you for your

time you just charge you whatever rates you want but then we you know we can drive to like the

mcdonald's and go through the drive-thru and the record will it fit through a drive-thru you think

it won't fit through like a drive-thru or anything like that hello what about the bank uh

Uh, like the bank thing.

You know, a bank drive-thru?

Well, will it fit through anything?

I mean, what can we do?

It's too big?

Um, can we, maybe we can go buy a park?

I just want to honk the horn at people a little bit.

I'll pay for your time.

I'll pay you money, cash, and everything.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

$6.50, what?

What did you say?

No, I just want to see the record and then we can drive around a little bit.

Drive around the area and honk the horn at people and things.

But you can pay me, like, I'll pay you for the time and everything, you know?

Can you please speak a little faster or respond quicker?

quicker not take so long with your answers hello i don't have time for that dirty erin you know

belushi's here john belushi how you doing yeah the audio is not coming back on the skype chat

or on the skype all i hear is you talking all you hear is me talking yes it's weird belushi are you

here hanging up on belushi oh there he is oh too late too late too late i'm here i just got dip

yep ken are you here yeah i'm here hey big ken how you doing buddy good how's it going good

thanks man thanks for asking we're calling belushi back hey what's going on all right belushi how

are you pretty good how are you guys good thanks man i'm gonna do another prank call here sounds

good to me oh thanks man really nice of you that last one was pretty funny that's all right i wish

he'd be sitting there as i say nothing much uh mpsa cobra sent in a number for an olive garden

The food here is shit.

Also, they are racists.

Okay, cool.

Absolutely.

Love Olive Garden.

Do they have an Olive Garden on the East Coast?

Oh, are you kidding?

All over the place, man.

Every other block?

Just about.

It's the McDonald's of Italian food.

Oh, God, I can't stand it.

It tastes like shit.

The one where I'm sure the one that MPSA Cobra submitted is so small

you could reach over and eat off the next person's plate.

Are they small?

I don't know.

Are they that known for being small?

All the ones I've been to are pretty big.

Well, some of them are small, but that town, I'm sure the one that he submitted is, is small.

It's just a small, they fit it in, like, in a strip mall, basically, like, right next door.

Where's it located?

Burlington, Washington.

Burlington, yeah.

I don't know much of Burlington, so I couldn't tell you.

Probably is, probably is small.

I'm having trouble connecting numbers on Skype.

If I hit answer or add to conference, nothing happens, so I'm going to have to kill this call.

I'm going to have to try to regroup, right?

It's the Belushi, Ken, and Dirty Aaron.

Call back in.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi, Tuck.

What you doing?

Just here, showing.

Did I hear Milkman's prostitute wailing and screaming there about ten minutes earlier on the show?

Yeah, that was her.

You think that was her?

No, that was a joke prank call.

Milkman's got a girl.

Everyone's giving him a hard time, man.

I only caught, like, the first ten minutes of last week, so I don't know what happened next.

that i just heard that beginning of the show it was like oh it's just walked into that look

i gotta restart skype skype's being a stupid i'm gonna come i'll be right back all right okay you

call me okay all right we'll have to restart skype because i think stupid it's being a stupid

i'm gonna go to task manager and kill it shit gotta love skype but what else you got you know

what i mean i don't know this there's another program out there some people have been talking

talking about trying to remember what it is i think uk ted uses it or talks about it sometimes

skype competitor i've heard it's kind of decent i might be free even a little worried now that

microsoft don't skype not that i'm hating on microsoft they just have a tendency sometimes

with some projects that are good after they acquire them to just ignore them and let them

wallow until they become shit google is just as guilty it's been here regrouping and play a prank

call, I guess. What else can I do here?

Oh, no, here we go. Belushi's calling.

Big Belushi. Hey, hey, hey.

Alright, good. We'll see if Skype pulls up now.

And let me grab this

Olive Garden here. Let's see right now.

Everyone wants to call in Olive Garden.

See this stuff at Skype? Start putting ads.

That what?

you know like there's an extra spot

and it shows an ad

sometimes in Skype calls.

Are they doing that already? Really?

Oh, shit.

A little place where a person would go, it's an ad.

It's really annoying.

They had mentioned that.

I had heard

they were going to put audio ads

in Skype calls.

I think it only pops up

in one-on-one calls.

I heard something about

Skype to Skype that we're going to start inserting ads.

I don't know.

Interesting.

No, I don't see it on mine.

Better not upgrade that.

Okay, here we go.

Prank call.

Stand by.

Hey, Drexler says he has an actual tool mailer there.

Well, Jordan, I'm thinking of calling the Burlington Olive Garden.

This is Michael.

How can I help you this evening?

Michael, I am in need of some apologies here.

I'm not very happy about the way I was treated.

First of all, you people say you're offending Italian,

and you don't know the first thing about being Italian.

And Italian people all sit together at the table.

You sit together.

You break bread.

You break salads.

You eat together.

you have your family there everyone was respectful everyone the everyone prays before the before the

meal starts next thing i know i'm trying to leave the whole restaurant of prayer and these people

started telling me to shut up i don't appreciate that i'm an american all right i'm a veteran of

the war on terror i fought in afghanistan i'm an american hero my name is dustin and if i want to

leave the entire if i want to leave the entire restaurant in prayer god damn it i have a right

right to do it because i'm an american hero i fought for a war and i'm the most superior person

inside that restaurant if you ask me unless someone else there was in the war were you in

the army hey yes you were in the army um no navy seal you were a navy seal when what was your

what was your theory of operations i'm right out in the middle of the restaurant right now

can i put you on hold for a second no talking in the office hurry up charlie sheen was a navy

seal in a movie that's what he's talking about really man using my name i'm sorry

Sorry, Dawson, I won't use your name.

His name is Mike Tucker.

Fuck you, Mike Tucker.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

It's hilarious they're playing Sinatra for whole music.

It is the Italian restaurants.

Just saying.

Okay, thanks.

Sorry, first of all, what happened?

I'm a brand new manager.

I just got to the...

You had an experience with us today where somebody...

I had an experience yesterday.

I told everybody,

everybody, I want you to put your forks down.

I want everyone to stand up,

and I'm going to lead you all in prayer.

And then some guy said,

said hey shut up asshole he said that he said asshole like that was that that must have been

a guest in our restaurant uh-huh that's not something that we would uh practice i mean we're

we're proud of our country that's why we put a flag in our lobby we love our country and olive

garden is the american flag and i mean when we're whenever we come into our honor i and talk to any

any men or women in uniform that ever come in in olive garden and and uh you know we are we are

can't uh you know explain the behavior of a guest that's in our restaurant it isn't that

we restaurant that that stands in the variety and appreciate and love all the work that the

military do around the world well listen then i said hey listen i was an american veteran in the

war and then the guy said he said oh yeah what did you do clean the toilet you shit in the toilet

did you shit in the toilet and clean the toilet then and then everyone started laughing and there

were these girls that were working and they were laughing they're going like that and then when

When did this happen yesterday?

Because I worked yesterday, and I didn't see this going on last night.

Was this during the daytime?

Yeah, and then later on when the guy was leaving, then he took the,

you have a flag in your lobby.

I don't know if you knew about that.

And then he took it, and he blew his nose on it.

He said he was going to blow his nose, and I think he did.

And he said, how do you like them apples?

How do you like them apples like that, he said.

No, if I know, I'm not even.

You didn't see it.

I know that Jeff was managing yesterday.

I know.

Jeff wouldn't talk to me about it.

I sat in the parking lot waiting for Jeff to come outside.

I was so upset.

Yeah, I mean, that wasn't good to disrespect you at all.

I mean, I'm proud of my country, and I'm proud of every branch of the service,

Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, National Guard that takes care of our country.

Coast Guard is part of the department.

I appreciate it.

I'm sorry that you had to go to that yesterday.

The Coast Guard is part of the Department of Homeland Security.

The Coast Guard as well, absolutely, absolutely.

But listen, that flag needs to be disposed of properly.

properly that flag needs to be disposed of properly because it's been defaced i know you

said you were a navy seal so i know you know what the military code is and the flag code

so we need to dispose of that flag together and it's just me and you i'm the army i was in the

army branch and you were a navy seal so between me and you together i think we we need to hold

a small ceremony there in front of all the restaurant staff and then we need to dispose

of it right there yeah i i well i just got like i said i just got here i've been managing down

down south and i definitely before i do anything i my general manager and she's definitely needs

needs to be involved in any decision that i make i definitely don't want to lose my job

well listen that that need that flag needs to be disposed of as soon as possible and i'm willing

to come today and take care of it i have my own flag and i'll gladly give it to you and you can

display it my flag proudly there and everything and if you want later on to put a no or a flag

a post that said this flag was donated uh and put my name on it if you don't even have to do that

But the flag you have there needs to be disposed of tonight.

Well, I can't do it tonight.

Jennifer's not here, and I've got a family of six children to support.

And if I lose my job, I go on welfare.

You can have my flag, but please don't do this.

It makes me sad.

The flag is there, and it's been touched.

And I had that man put his nose on it and everything.

We need to go outside and bury that flag.

Like I said, my general manager, Jennifer, is in tomorrow night.

There's nothing that I can personally do about it.

That's a flag that was given to us by maybe somebody that did serve in the forces,

and I did anything with it and without, you know, my upper management.

I'm giving you my flag.

That was supposed to be for my coffin.

I'm going to give it to you.

Put my flag up there.

But please don't do this to me.

You know what?

You know what I'm going to do?

If you don't do this, I'm going to call Bob Morton and the news solvers tonight.

I have certain friends at that TV station.

I'm going to call Bob Morton and the news solvers.

and you don't want him to show up tomorrow with a TV crew there

to talk about how Olive Garden is un-American.

What was your name?

That definitely has an American flag,

and just because another man comes into our restaurant

that is not even friends with the Olive Garden,

that does something like that, that we don't support,

that has nothing to do with our restaurant in the way that we believe.

He said he loves Olive Garden.

He said this is Olive Garden, and he put his nose on it.

Well, it doesn't matter.

It's just one man's opinion.

I mean, you can't, if you, you know, take what other people, you know, say and do your whole life,

and, I mean, people have opinions.

Some people are not thick enough, and some people, I mean,

you just can't let what other people do you feel and how you are.

That's just not the way to go about it.

One bad ass in that barrel.

And, you know, I'm sure that Jeff has seen this person.

He's probably not going to ever let him back in our restaurant again for doing that and playing like that.

I just doubt it.

But, you know, there's, like I said, I wasn't here.

As much as I'm involved in this situation, my family, my six kids, my parents sold me,

and I can't do anything at this point in time of something that I don't know,

an event that happened here, in my job over it.

But that's not fair, because I'm giving you a flag, but what you're doing is unpatriotic,

and now you know what's going on.

Now I'm being accused of being unpatriotic. I'm sorry, but I need to hang up.

You're pamper-training it.

Oh, my God.

That guy's no joke. You should get him to pray with you for his three-month-old.

That guy's awesome.

Proud to be an American?

I was going to say that.

Actually, it was about to say that.

Buongiorno.

Thank you for calling Berlin, California.

Listen, you're un-American.

You're un-American.

Are you the one that was laughing at me when the man put his nose on the flag?

No.

Who was it?

I don't know.

This man was down there, and he put the flag on his nose,

and he blew his nose on the American flag.

I don't know.

Who did it?

I don't know.

What's the manager?

Where's the manager?

The manager is Mike.

Put Big Mike on the phone, please.

Hurry up

Okay

Where's Milkman?

Time to sex

Oh, good

He's dead again

I need new music for Holden

I see

The person who

Touched his nose on the floor

This is kind of groovy

Let's go through the numbers

On some losers

Then we got

Wild Bill's

Cheesesteaks Grill

Where Jessica answered

Stanley Plumbing

Vincenzo's Pizza

Hey

Vincenzo

Pinewood's Pizza Grill

Brett Slothman has sent in

the same request of pranks that he always does

European cell phone numbers

yep

please send us the most

expensive ones too

if you don't mind

taking too long

she was stalling you

she knew you were going to hang up on her

Big Cliff sent in a number here also

selling a travel trailer on Craigslist

for $5,700

hundred dollars says it sleeps eight says you must call before 10 p.m eastern standard time

call and tell him that serious sellers must be willing to take calls at all hours i like i like

the cut of your chip cliff uh offer him offer him a sales tactics lesson i say you have a company

that helps naive motherfuckers like him sell their shit properly on craigslist that's good

i like that uh cliff you got you got the juice man let's try that you got the juice

Tom, you didn't see the other two zeros and thought it was $57.

The force is strong with that one.

Tell you what.

I don't know if you guys know about the movie Juice,

but there's a remake of the movie Juice coming out, I hear.

That was one of my favorite movies growing up.

Tupac was in that movie.

Yeah, Tupac was in it.

They're battling DJs.

They go in a club and they battle with records.

Yeah, and then Tupac went satanic and crazy

and he shot the Puerto Rican guy

during a robbery.

And then he started shooting all his friends

for some weird fucking reason.

Tupac started killing everybody.

He killed the fat black kid.

He killed Omar Epps.

He killed everybody.

I guess they deserved it.

Tupac deserved it.

Someone should have shot him.

Yeah, finally.

I finally got him.

I finally got that boy.

That's horrible.

Come on.

I'm a big Tupac fan, actually.

Not big, but I'm a Tupac fan.

Hey, you've reached Danny Hicks, AT&T Universe Operations and Support.

Sorry I missed your call, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I will get back to you at the same spot.

AT&T Universe.

Sounds real country.

What a piece of shrak around.

Chris Echelman.

Hey, you've reached Danny Hicks, AT&T Universe Operations and Support.

What kind of last name is Hicks?

All right, you got Red Sloth Man.

Phil.

There you go.

Red Sloth Man sent in a number.

I'm going to try that.

If this is his cell phone, I'm going to be really pissed off, Red Sloth Man.

I'm telling you, I asked you, don't send any more UK cell phone numbers, man.

Man, they're too fucking expensive.

Son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

Sloth man.

God damn you.

That's Sloth man.

God damn you.

God damn a cell phone.

Why aren't you there?

It costs money because they don't answer it.

No, no.

Just if it connects.

When it connects, it says how much it's costing.

It's kind of a mellow show without UK Ted around raising some hell.

Yeah, you know.

What can I say?

UK Ted.

He's not calling in, so I can't.

I don't know.

He's working, I guess.

He wasn't working last week

He's fucking stapling something somewhere

Somewhere

He's a weird guy that guy

I complimented him on his documentary

He's like yeah it's all bullshit

Like okay

Documentaries

What do you mean

He made a documentary about

Communist

Cosmonauts

And he says it's bullshit

And he made it it was bullshit

Hello, V-Cars.

Hi, V-Cars. How are you?

Do you have cars there that pick up people?

To get from?

Well, I'm in Somerset.

And then my plan was I wanted to make sure this is okay.

My friend, Jim Stewart, asked me to give you guys a call.

Yeah, unfortunately, I ain't going to be able to get anybody out of Somerset.

Well, what area are you based out of?

Well, we're based in Bristol.

Well, can you pick me up in Bristol and take me to Somerset?

That's what I'm talking about.

But you asked me to pick you up from Somerset.

I need transportation to Somerset.

You need to go to...

Yeah, I mean, we could do that.

When would you like it for?

Well, tonight.

Preferably within the next 30 minutes.

But listen, what my plan is...

I need to pee, is the thing.

So then what will happen is the driver will take me from Bristol to Somerset,

I will pee, and then he will bring me back.

Oh, man, that was stupid.

Anyone want to talk to the taxi guy?

I don't know.

I don't know Bristol from Somerset.

I don't know.

All I know is that they're all British and they're a bunch of traitors.

That's what I know.

That's all you need to know.

Someone want this?

Is he calling?

Listen, that man hung up the phone on me and I want transportation.

You wanted what, sorry?

I want to be picked up in Bristol.

I'm going to be taken to Somerset.

Right, okay.

Whereabouts in Bristol are you?

On Horse Street.

Horse Street.

Yes, and then I'm going to pee in the back of the seat.

I'm going to pee on the driver.

I want to pee on the tires, I want to pee all over the driver, I want to pee on the gas pedal, I want to pee on the hood of the car, I want to pee on the trunk of the car.

I want to piss on you.

That's Jim Stewart's prank call where he says they're going to pee.

He's naming everything in the car.

Yeah, please let me pee on the car and the people in the car.

You do realize, I mean being drunk, because over there, getting pissed means getting drunk.

Call her back and tell her you want to be improper.

Tell her, I'm sorry, I want to urinate on you.

Yeah, I don't want to get drunk, I want to urinate.

Make it clear.

I have a bitter idea.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm wrong, I don't want to pee.

I want to make my water on you, on the driver.

Yeah, we charge for that.

How much?

Did you fart on the phone and dirty bitch you heard her?

She queefed on the phone.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I'll do this one.

Hello?

Can I take a big dump in the back of your taxis?

Yeah, you could.

It costs you 75 pounds.

75 pounds?

Is that good?

Yeah, if you would like to make any human waste in the car,

then it will cost you 75 pounds.

Okay.

Is that check? Cash or credit?

That would be cash, yeah.

Credit? Yeah, if you pay £75 cash

you can make any mess you like in the car.

Okay. Is that alright?

That's why I'm here now.

Should I ask you if you could bring a friend who wants to piss everywhere

and you could split that £75?

Bush, you got a lot of echo. Do you have

headphones on or you just got the computer speakers on?

No, we're customer service.

If I would have kept every number

I would have been able to give you

the White House number.

that reminds me i i saw david cameron was in the united states and what was it he was on air force

one and obama offered him to use his bed on air force one and he tucked him in the bed he tucked

him in that's that's the new story that david cameron came out and said yeah i was on air force

one visiting obama and they were flying me back and it was four o'clock uk time and the president

Obama said David

you look tired why don't you use my bed

and he took me to his

bedroom and he tucked me in and I slept

and I'm like that's really gay

David Cameron the Prime

Minister of Britain said that President

Obama tucked him in the bed on his

personal bed on Air Force One

I don't know it's just weird

you don't do those things

fellow Freemason

member too

they do that to each other

I don't know

Obama isn't a Freemason

But he's approved by the Freemasons

And the Illuminati

No you don't have to be

They just have to approve you

They just have to give you their blessing

Come on

And it's the Bilderbergs anyway

That are the real problem

Not the Freemasons

Just saying

I still want to work on my

real-time strategy game, which is like

the Bilderbergs versus the Freemasons

versus the Shriners

versus the Illuminati.

Bohemian Grove.

Yeah, all those.

You can pick a faction

and it's like Command and Conquer.

Cancel farm relations.

There you go.

Farm relations. It's like a big game of Risk.

Alright, well, here we are.

This is Madhouse Radio. We're here.

Belushi, I'm talking to you. You got a lot of echo over there, man.

Man, you're going to get dropped from the conference.

You've got to get headphones.

What's wrong?

You don't have headphones there?

I'm mute, damn it.

You've got headphones there?

He's on mute, but when he comes on, it's got a deco.

I'm fixing it right now.

How do you not have headphones in this time of the year, man?

You know, when you buy an iPod, you get a free pair of headphones with it?

Yeah, man.

They give it to you free.

Yeah, man.

Is that better?

Yeah.

Good job.

I'm just being.

I'm drunk.

Well, I need to get drunk.

I think that's...

Yeah, I'll...

Go make yourself a mint julep.

All right.

So we got a lot of requested pranks, but even more, we got a lot of Lonesome Loser pranks here to do.

That means you're just about a Lonesome Loser.

All right.

Let's get to those numbers here.

Wild Bill's Cheesesteak and Grill.

Let's call Milkman.

Let's see what Milkman's up to.

He's busy.

Seriously, what does a Milkman blowjob sound like?

I want to hear.

If you ask him, he won't give you a straight answer.

He's like, oh, man, brother, you know, it's like...

Luga, Luga, Luga, Luga, Luga.

Yeah, that's what he'll say.

You know, I'm 85 years old, so we sound like a rascal scooter.

Please enjoy the following music while you're listening.

Sounds like you're revving up a rascal scooter.

Nunu sent you a news story.

Uh, he did.

No, he didn't.

Don't lie, Nunu.

It's Ted.

Oh, here we go.

Hello?

Yep.

Are you busy still?

Did you get the message?

What message?

You need my message?

Are you stuck in the trunk again?

No, I left the unit.

No? Why?

It's a message.

He's saying he's going to call the message.

Well, the message usually means it's for something.

Okay.

All right.

Should I hang up and play the message, then?

Maybe.

All right.

I'll hang up, then.

Talk to you later, Mr. Secrets.

Bye.

Do you have to go, Milkman, or can you stay?

All right.

Okay.

Let's listen to this Milkman message.

Look man, that's very rude, you know, to have her say that.

Not to bother you anymore.

Is that how it is now?

You get a little bit of pussy and that's how it is now?

Pussy, how would it laugh, man?

A French bitch gives you a little bit of fanny and then that's the way, look what you do to us.

Oh, don't call me.

Don't have her say no bother me anymore.

That's how you really feel.

No, that's okay.

No, that's all right.

No, that's okay.

Everybody here, we got breaking news here, everybody.

i got breaking news for everybody breaking news the new uh full-time co-host of madhouse radio

tucker mike yeah you see how easy that was milkman you're expendable you don't like that

thank you he's gonna fake guys

milkman has been demoted to uk ted sidekick

no no no i'm lower than that i'm like below noon and that's pretty darn well

milkman doesn't care it's like i'm getting laid i don't give a shit

it anymore fuck you fuck you fuck a madhouse i know you're just kidding milkman i'm kidding too

i'd never replace you oh man you know i love you yeah okay enough you know you're my best

brother in the whole bag i don't need to hear your post orgasmic friendship talk okay i don't

need it you're in a good mood because you just came that's why he's come drunk again

sperm on the head look we're calling wild wild bills cheesesteak and grills

Milkman, mute yourself there if you've got a customer, okay?

Try to set a good example.

All right, thanks.

I've got to do a pickup right now.

Yeah, pickup.

Then you're going to go back.

I've got to call an Uber and Uber.

Okay, all right.

Now Milkman's complaining.

Now he doesn't want a job.

No, no, no.

I appreciate the deal.

It's just a call-in.

He complains when he doesn't have customers.

He complains when he doesn't.

Does he know that Thursday's Madhouse?

I know, right?

He's a cab driver.

He can work whenever.

Wild Bills, full phone.

This is Alex.

Hi, Wild Bills.

Do you have cheesesteaks there?

Yeah, we do.

Good.

You put peppers in them?

Yes, we do.

I want to make an order for cheesesteak.

All right.

Hold on just one second.

Shit!

What do I do?

I don't know what.

Was she breathing hard?

Ask about the french fries.

All right.

French fries!

All right.

What can I get for you?

The french fries you have there, are they curlies or straights?

We have twister fries, and then we have steak fries.

Steak fries?

Yeah.

They're like thicker fries.

Yeah?

They're what?

They're like thicker fries.

They're not like the thin fries.

polarized. They're more... They're more thick? Yeah. And then we have onion rings, too, and

sweet potato fries and garlic fries. Yeah, you sound cute. Okay. Yeah, what's your phone

number? I'm going to give you my phone number, okay? Okay. Write it down. Do you need my

phone number for the order? Yeah, I actually do. It's 916-248-1110. Okay. And then, so

what kind of fries did you want? My address is 2209 South Douglas. I don't really need

that. No, because you come over, you know. No, I'm okay. What kind of fries did you want?

What do you like? Do you like the other curlies or do you like the big thick ones? I like

the fries. They're pretty good. You like the long twisty one? Yeah. Mine, you know, mine,

it points kind of up. Oh, okay. You know, do you like, is that okay? No. You know that

with that, then I can hit certain, you know, the G spot. Don't hang up, please. Please

don't hang up

Don't hang up, please.

Okay, look, I just, I went there before.

I'm not going to hang up.

Like, what can I get you, though?

I went there before and I saw you and I really liked you, okay?

Okay.

So then I just wanted, you know, you probably, you look like you smell really good.

What perfume do you wear?

Are you going to order anything?

Because I kind of didn't need to finish cleaning up.

Yeah, well, can you just tell me what perfume you wear?

I don't wear perfume.

What, do you wear anything?

No.

What shampoo do you use?

I don't use shampoo.

What soap do you use?

I don't use soap either.

I just don't shower.

That's dirty.

I like that.

That's kind of cool.

Okay, what can I get you?

So you smell like dirty cunt?

What can I get you?

Yeah, dirty cunt smell.

I like that.

That's nice.

That's French style.

Dirty cunt smell.

Oh, did I lose you?

Are you going to order anything?

Yes.

Okay, you ready for my order?

Yep.

Five cheese steaks.

Okay.

One woman.

Steaks, that's it.

And one woman.

Five cheese steaks.

Come on, please.

Do you want just a regular cheese steak?

Please.

Look, my wife's out of town, all right?

And if she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me anymore.

Well, then help me out, please.

I need to help me out.

You need to help me out.

Did you know that if a man doesn't have sex for a while that he could get sick and die?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's in the doctor's book.

Come on, please.

Write down the five keystakes.

Is that what you want?

One woman, please.

Is there a man there I can speak to?

Yes, there is.

Do you want to talk to him?

I'll swing that way, yeah.

What's up, Bill?

Listen, that girl's hot, right?

Yeah, she's pretty hot.

Yeah, she's sexy, man.

Yeah, would you, like, kiss her all over her body and stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

Come on, man.

I'll tear your fucking shit out.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe he said that.

What does it walk into now?

I don't know.

Did he just say that and hang up?

I don't know.

Someone got on with you.

He was like, what up, dog?

He's like, what up, dog?

Yeah, he fucked the shit out of him.

He called just drops.

Black guys like doing that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I've done that before.

It's all right.

A lot of pressure, you know.

It's cool.

A Hooters number?

A Hooters number.

You know, they're usually...

The only look I've had with Hooters is, like,

Like, when I call, because there are always really flirtations there,

so I call back and act like, hey, remember me?

We talked.

You know, I act like, oh.

That last chick really thought she had you.

She didn't show up.

Although there was an episode of South Park where there was a Hooters version.

The kids, what was it, Stan fell in love with a Hooters girl or something like that.

The girl's like, hi.

Like, oh, my goodness.

Hey, Hooters, they play that game.

You know, the girl, when they take the order, she sits at the table with you.

You know, she sits next to you and takes the order.

It's just a fucking tease.

Leans forward so you can look down her shit.

Yeah, it's so stupid.

There you go.

I've only been once, and I got so pissed off because she kept coming by and coming by.

I'm like, look, lady, first of all, I'm trying to watch the Magic Game,

and you keep coming and talking about your stupid shit.

Best of all, the more important.

Second of all.

I knew one of these girls wanted to work with me.

One of the classic techniques all you guys have.

These Hooter girls come and sit down at your table.

Yeah.

They don't just stand there and they come and sit down.

That's because they want to get a good tip.

They want to get your full attention on their body.

You get a good tip.

Not necessarily because they're interested.

They just want a good tip.

Athena told me that.

Athena, she used to be a server, and she said that they taught her that.

And then the guys also, they've done the studies,

and then guys, you know, a guy server, if he gets to the table and he kneels,

not kneels down, but like squats down, you know,

where he gets down to table level, that's their trick.

No, he just said to get the girls interested in him if it was, you know, a guy like that.

But, no, anyway, so the first, I was like, first of all, you keep interrupting my basketball game.

Second of all, I'm eating wings, and I'm really self-conscious about eating wings,

and you keep coming down to sit down, and I'm embarrassed, and I'm not going to give you a tip.

Let me use your Hooters t-shirt there where the O's are.

Well, it's just annoying.

I never went, I've never been back to, and the wings weren't that good anyway.

way and for you know and like i was like you know i'm trying to eat here i don't want to sit there

and talk i gotta stop you might as well just went uh watch the game at home that's what i was like

next i'm just gonna go stay at home i'm gonna you know i don't know i don't know there you go i

don't know if you have a good customer she may have gave you a tip whatever i don't i've a lot

of people see those wings aren't that good i agree um laugh track matt um says that the only

only way you can eat those wings the best way they charge you extra but you have to have them

double fried he says that's the one where they're really good i don't know a place with the best

wings i dig is uh buffalo wild wings they got yeah but i don't mind i don't mind wild wings

pretty good yeah i don't mind them and uh they announced that they're coming to my town here

for the first time and down in orlando there's like five of them and like a sports bar and they

leave you the fuck alone yeah games too yeah the only thing is the seats are so uncomfortable

with their fucking wood benches, no cushion

on them, and the only time

Well, I go there

I go sports and hardwood

chairs, what's the good of that?

Yeah, because you're going to sit there for like two hours

if you're going to watch football, but then I go to watch

UFC at Buffalo Wild Wings

and you've got to get there

UFC

UFC starts like at 10, you've got to

get there like at 7 or 8 o'clock if you're going to

get a decent seat, because everyone shows up

because it's free pay-per-view, basically

Shits for a weekend

after eating their food ah dude those wings are pretty good though they're um there's a

there's a local small chain here called arugas that's really good and they're even better than

buffalo wild wings but their menu is like eight eight pages eight big pages eight to ten big

pages i'm not kidding you man it's like they got deep fried hot dogs on the menu and i've had them

and i must say not bad i was watching uh not interrupt but food network one time they're

They were showing this one fucking restaurant.

They deep-fried anything.

Like, they were deep-frying Skittles and fucking, like, anything the customer could bring in.

They would deep-fry for them, like, fucking pizza.

They'd throw anything in there.

Well, and there's that big fair in here.

They'll deep-fry and put pepper powder on anything you can grab.

It's handy.

Hamburgers.

I mean, anything that you can imagine, they temper deep-fry.

It's, like, awesome.

Well, there's the big fair in Minnesota or Michigan, one of those M states, that has deep-fried everything.

They have a pavilion that says deep-fried everything, everything from pizza to spaghetti, any food you can think of deep-fried on a stick.

This place is like a perfect place for Jack Matz's because they've got these contests.

You can eat so many of these foods, this certain mix of foods in so many minutes, then you get your meal for me.

Look it up. It's hilarious.

Do you win

if you get a heart attack

at the place?

Well, if you don't finish your meal,

no.

You gotta pay.

Can they deep fry

my own arteries?

They probably would

feed them back to you, too.

How about this?

Can they deep fry

my fingernails before I chew them?

Hey, they deep fry

the ice cream, dude. They put tempered batter

If you go out to Vegas, they've got the Heart Attack Grill out there.

Guys or whoever over 350 pounds fucking eat free.

They fucking cart you out of there in a wheelchair afterwards.

Nice.

That's awesome.

MSC 3 Close has deep fried macaroni and cheese.

What sounds good?

There's a lot of good stuff to be deep fried.

They have that too.

They have deep fried macaroni and cheese.

Mac and cheese?

I'd try that.

It's awesome, dude.

I'll tell you what.

what i try i've i've had a deep fried twinkie very good deep fried oreos i've had they're really good

deep fried pickle stickers are fucking out the hook i haven't had that but deep fried pizza i

would do in a hot second in a minute i only got deep fried pizza i would try that i might make

some covered and oh my god duck strange is deep fried this body i have yeah duck strange all

deep fried but i'll eat it all night man they put they put the tempera back so it's got a

yeah that's cool i've heard of deep fried coca-cola i know they do that

Not that.

Anyway, all right.

Well, keep going.

Let's go.

William217 wants to fuck her link.

Fuck DS links.

Derek Stranger's link.

Same dude in the top.

It's you, man.

Hot dog.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Come on.

Prank calls, right?

Nuna makes a point.

All we do is talk about food sometimes on this show.

Yeah, if you don't do prank calls, you don't get to go and save shit.

SportyBurst has asked more about Apple Spaces.

I don't know who we're talking about apples.

Who are we talking about apples?

Forgot.

Sorry.

man nobody's in fucking la la land yeah uncle freddy's junkyard grill uncle freddy oh that

reminds me i keep i keep getting off tangent here not doing my pranks but um johnny brennan you know

we got this ongoing thing here in madhouse with johnny brennan and i hate johnny brown not

necessarily hate him i'm just looking for my interview and looking for the respect that's due

to all prank callers not just me and anybody who does prank calls online from prank net prank

Crank University, to KDK, to me, to Zolar, to Friday Night Cranks, everybody.

You need to pay your dues and give us respect.

But he came out.

He said, yeah, there's going to be a – he hasn't had a podcast episode come out in like a month.

And he came out on his website and said, yeah, we finally got a new episode coming out this week.

And also the first brand-new Jerky Boys prank call like in 10 years or something like that.

I'm like, oh, that's pretty cool.

All right.

So I go to the forums, and the link in there is like,

yeah, you've got to pay $0.99 to download this fucking MP3 of a fucking prank call.

It's been corporate.

What the hell?

Can you imagine if I did that?

Imagine if I were to come to Madhouse when I said,

from now on, you want to download a Madhouse prank call?

$0.99.

You guys would kill me.

The fucking monitor goes flying out the window.

Yeah, you've got to pay.

It wouldn't so much

kill you, just no one

would even bother to go and

download it and pay the thing.

They would just go, oh well.

See ya, bye.

I would rather pay Fiverr.com to download it

and then put it on YouTube than give the money.

There you go.

There you go. You spend an extra

$4 to do that.

I don't get it, Johnny Brown.

You're not thinking right, man.

You're thinking back in the 90s. You haven't done a prank

call since the fucking 90s.

That's kind of why

He's working on brand name

He's trying to exploit the brand name thing

Exactly

Johnny Brennan, have you heard of a thing called Napster?

Have you heard of a thing called Tord?

Nobody pays for that shit anymore

Have you heard of my name?

You're not even on iTunes

I can see if you release it on iTunes

Shit, what was I thinking?

It's a general defense

I just don't get the guy

Whatever man, cool, you're the king of pranks

thanks all right so uh we called wild bills and said we're calling stanley plumbing anybody want

to talk to a plumbing place now's your time can you want to do a prank call you're mr smart ass

tonight you talk to bring it on let's do this fucker all right he's doing it let's go stanley

plumbing in redwood city california cali going going back back to cali cali we can help you

hello plumber hello plumber who is this this doesn't matter who this is is this the plumber

Yes, it is.

What can I do for you?

Well, I got this fucking leak in my house.

You think you can come over and take a look at it or what?

I got water.

It's coming out like a fucking sieve.

Are you serious, man?

What do you mean?

Are you at the bowling alley or something?

Are you ready to come out and take a look at my thing?

I'm at the bowling alley.

I'm bowling, man.

I'm bowling.

Oh, yeah?

What are you, Big Lebowski out there or what?

Huh?

What did you say?

Are you going to come out here or what?

You bring your wife down?

Who's going to come with you?

No, I don't do plumbing at night, man.

After 7 o'clock, I quit.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, what kind of shit is that?

My water's still running.

I got water all up in my bathroom.

I think my son, he shoved some shit down in there,

and now the pipe's blown out.

I don't know what to do.

Fire department, man.

Call the fire department.

They come out there and put some more water in your house.

I don't have a fucking fire.

I got water.

Who's this?

This is Brent Westwood.

Who the fuck is this?

Johnny's not going to help you plumbing?

Yeah, that's him, man.

Huh?

Yeah, give me the address.

I'll come out there and fix it for you.

All right, hold on.

I just moved here.

I don't know the name of the place.

It's right next to Ikea.

Next to Ikea?

Yeah.

Which one?

The one in East Palo Alto or the one in Oakland?

Yeah, the one in Oakland.

The one in Oakland?

Yeah.

You got your bag of tools.

You get on the BART.

You come down.

You fix my pipes.

What do you say?

All right, sounds like a plan.

Let me get your phone number.

All right.

You ready for it?

I'm ready.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

Well, fuck, hold on.

I got to look it up just a second.

I just got this new cell phone, too.

Who is this, man?

Huh?

This is Brent Westwood.

Hello?

Brent Westwood.

You ready?

Okay, it's 562.

562.

449.

You got it?

Yeah.

2460.

What's the last phone number?

460.

562, man.

Man, where is he at?

It's an L.A. cell phone.

It is.

Who is this?

This is Brent Westwood.

How many times do I got to tell you?

I live next to the Ikea.

I got water coming out of my fucking toilet.

And you're in Oakland?

Yes.

I'm out in the morning.

What can I do?

What should I do?

Do I get down there?

How should I proceed?

Should I shove some toilet paper in there or what?

Wrap a condom around my butt?

Let me call you right back.

Okay, go ahead.

The fucking fire department.

Who are you going to call the fire department?

If you got a plumbing problem, call the fucking fire department.

I found an ad quick on Craigslist, something in L.A.,

and I just gave them the phone number for somebody.

Good idea.

There you go.

Rock on.

That oak amory.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't know black guys bull.

You think I was black, right?

No, he sounded Hispanic.

I don't know Hispanic guys bull.

He wasn't bull in any way.

He was fucking selling drugs there.

Definitely selling drugs.

Bad self.

It reminds me, the people I work with, there's 30 people in my office.

I'm one of five people that's not Indian.

They've got a genius plan where we're all going to get together next Thursday to celebrate some shit.

We're going to go out to dinner, and then we're going to go bowling.

And you're going to bring the Indians, or what?

The Indians are going bowling, and I want to go just to watch.

I just want to go.

You're going to take pictures of them, too?

Yeah, I just want to see the Indian guys bowling

because I can just imagine how fun it's going to be.

I think I'm going to take some painkillers and drink a beer and watch them bowl.

Watch them big old turbans whiz down through, man.

They don't wear turbans.

Don't want to get one wrapped up.

They don't wear turbans, but I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

When these guys get together in a conference room for a meeting, a weekly meeting,

it stinks, man.

It just smells.

It smells like BO and fucking Rijkaard.

and right guard

and Curry.

The girls smell like Curry

and I like that.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking guys

are wearing their turbans

and leaning down

to get their ball

and the ball returns.

On our way.

Miltman's on his way.

Nunes, it's time for UK calls.

Hang on, man.

Take it easy, man.

It's about time

for UK calls, man.

I think you should cut him off

from the UK calls

for about two weeks

and make him a free agent.

I think Nunes

is becoming a director now.

I like the UK calls.

I like the mess

of the UK, actually.

And he's become

the chatroom tyrant.

it no kid all right let me look up requested pranks here real quick and then we'll knock out

some lonesome loser numbers and then go into the uk lonesome time for uk numbers let's do it well

here's one right here well that's the cell phone number red sloth man no no red sloth man no

god damn you not calling ass clown the bus lover guy the guy that i called him once and it was 25

cents for me to ask him if he likes him he loves buses all right pf chang's chinese restaurants

Restaurants in Rhode Island has put a huge, larger-than-life horse statue by the front entrance of the restaurant.

It's gigantic.

Yeah, I know.

All the P.F. Changs are like that.

I know.

That and every other P.F. Changs in the fucking country.

But okay.

Yo, that's amazing.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

Yo, you got a big horse.

That's amazing.

We'll knock this one out real quick.

I'm just going to be stupid and say that.

Dial it down a little bit and be stupid.

That's what you guys want anyway.

P.F. Changs, Robin.

Brian, how can I help you?

Yeah, you have a big horse in front of your place, right?

Is this the right place?

Yes, it is.

Yo, that's amazing.

Where'd you get that horse?

I don't know.

Where does the horse come from?

Where do you get the horse?

Every single one of you places has a horse.

True.

Who makes the horse?

The company.

You can't help me out, find out who makes the horse?

No.

Yo, so do you have horse there?

Do you sell horses, horse meat?

No.

You know Chinese people eat horses?

They do.

Certain regions.

Huh?

Certain regions.

No, in all the regions.

All the regions, they eat horse.

All the regents, they eat whores.

And then I heard in P.F. Chang's, when they start the day working,

guys, is he still on the line?

I think so.

Guys, listen.

I heard that at P.F. Chang's, they take a puppy and they pass him around the staff.

And until that puppy is dead, they don't open the doors.

Asshole, you're going to sit there and listen.

Which horse meat?

Meat.

Oh.

Hello.

Who is this?

Can I help you?

Are you involved with Madhouse?

Who is that?

Yeah.

Shut up.

Are you involved with Madhouse?

Damn it.

Are you involved with Madhouse?

Can you call back tomorrow for Madhouse then?

No.

We're working on another event tonight.

Listen, I got a problem with you.

Are you listening?

Hold on one second, please.

God damn it.

Stop on me.

I have a legit problem.

Someone sent the number.

Remember I've talked about how I keep getting tweets

for some fucking Madhouse weekly party on Friday nights

at the Opium Room in Tampa?

Yeah.

Someone sent in a number for that.

There was a radio station in Tampa

And over there at the Indian Casino

The Hard Rock Casino

The one where, um, What's-Her-Face died

Who was that?

Did you hear anything back from the I Wear Pants of Madhouse?

No, that died down

Promotion

Yeah, listen, Madhouse

Listen, I got a problem with you people

We gotta straighten this out, okay?

Listen

I'm listening

I'm Carlito, I'm with Madhouse Radio, okay?

I keep getting tweets from your stupid people

Who keep fucking listening to your shit

and they keep tweeting me

and bothering me

and my people all the time.

Hold on one second.

Here, I'm coming to your picture.

God damn it.

Hello?

Madhouse Radio.

Hello?

Listen, I'm Carlito

with the original Madhouse Radio, okay?

You calling for Madhouse Radio?

Madhouselive.com, yeah.

We've been doing this show since 2005.

Uh-huh.

All right, and I keep getting your tweets.

Your people keep tweeting me

talking bullshit about

I'm going to be at Madhouse this Friday, yo.

What the fuck is that about?

Listen, and your wife?

I keep getting...

You need to straighten this shit out, you stupid-ass fucking fans, whatever the fuck they are, these fucking Mexican immigrants.

Yo.

They need to stop fucking tweeting me and tweeting my shit and bothering my shit, clogging up my tweet.

Yeah.

God damn it.

That's what it is all the time.

Yo, I'll be at Madhouse this weekend.

I got all excited.

I see Lil Jon's tweeting all Madhouse, and I see it's just fucking...

He's still in our hotline for promotions and events.

God damn it.

I got all excited.

I was like, yo, Lil Jon's listening to Madhouse Radio, and it's, no, Madhouse with opium.

They keep putting at Madhouse.

Stupid assholes.

It pisses me off

It pisses me the fuck off

What do you want Tobachi

What is it

Tobachi

I may be a problem

No no you're not

I'm just being surly tonight

Did you see your stupid movie

No man

No no

It's too crowded man

No

What's that movie

You're watching

The Hunger Games

What I read the book

What

Yeah yeah

I mean I was

I was gonna go watch it

But uh

They were sold out

Pretty much from all the venues

I didn't feel like

In a shitty seat

Wesley we don't want

To see that movie

I don't know why

No one wanted to see

John Carter

You heard about that

That piece of shit

I rarely go to the movies

I know nothing about popular culture

201 Jump Street's got more people

than John Carter

isn't that crazy

Disney lost $250 million on John Carter

I don't understand

I'm watching the previews for

Star Wars

looks like fucking Stargate

they were advertising the shit out of that non-stop

I know

international campaign lost $250 million

right up their ass

good for them too

Good.

I'm glad I have.

Couldn't have happened to a better group of people.

Anyways, I went out.

It was the only venue that they had tickets for.

It was really crappy.

All right.

The Black Theater, I got you.

That's all right, man.

I don't know.

Nothing worse than going to a room with bad projection and you pay nine bucks for it.

That's not worth it, man.

Not worth it.

You know what pisses me off is I can't see 3D because I only have one eye that I can see out of.

I paid Movie to go see Star Wars Phantom Menace in 3D and I sat there like an asshole with glasses on for no reason.

and if i take the glasses off it looks like shit well now wait don't they now if you're going to

the one that i think you go to they show everything in 2d right no no that's a 3d i pay don't go to

the one like right around the beltway interchange no i had to pay three extra bucks to go see it in

3d because my nephew wanted to see it in 3d oh no he's my nephew's awesome he's five years old

he loves star wars and he knows that i'm into star wars and i've been in the star wars since

i was a kid and he's like uncle coralito you know tell me about star wars and then he sees all my

star wars collectibles that i got boxed up in my closet here and now he wants my star wars toys he

doesn't understand they're worth money so he's like oh can i have one of your toys like no no

you can't have one of my toys no you can't have my signed r2d2 fucking toy so oh god he just

doesn't get it i love the kid but please not a toy it's a goddamn action figure he doesn't get

at it i know you keep your kids with the toys he just i love the kid god bless him

i love my two nephews but man this kid's just like every time i come over and i was like oh

carlos you bring me a star wars toy like no i didn't bring a star wars toy it's worth fucking

50 freaking dollars i didn't bring you a star wars toy so now now every time we go to visit

we gotta stop a target on the way to pick him up a fucking star wars toy out of there nine bucks

Since when do toys cost

Since when does a Star Wars figure cost $9

What the hell is that about

$9

What a Star Wars figure

Costing that $50

That was a kid with like $4.50

$4 for like a G.I. Joe

Right now it's like $10 for a toy

Like a little figure

Well they have to take into consideration now

They're doing targeted marketing

In places like Target

And they're signing it for a reason

They aren't just selling it out of pure randomness

i had the uh i had the old millennium falcon and the fucking death star star wars shit yeah i had

all that i i one day i got a hair up my ass and i had a bunch of leftover fireworks on the fourth

of july and i blew up all my star wars and gi joe stuff um with fireworks and my dad shit a brick

when i got home and he realized that i had blown up like i had the the gi joe space shuttle one

that was that's worth like a lot of money right now i blew that up i poured gasoline on it lit it

on fire i was like i don't need tires anymore i'm growing up you want a war i'll give you a war yeah

dude i had that i had that aircraft carrier i didn't blow that up my dad sold that later on but

the aircraft carrier was a shit he bought it i remember he bought it at sears remember the day

we bought it we went to sears and we bought the aircraft carrier the uss something i forgot what

it was and it had a it came with one plane and a little uh little car like a little um utility

utility vehicle with it. Yeah, man.

They put a car on the aircraft carrier.

How did the G.I. Joe's

have an aircraft carrier? Anyway, what's that about?

They were like a splinter group of

the army. I had to have a space

shuttle and a fucking aircraft carrier.

I don't get it.

A $50 million budget?

Ronald Reagan, that's why.

It's the fucking Cold War, of course

That's right, it was the fucking Reagan administration

Of course

Of course it was a team of 20 people that had their own space shuttle

And an aircraft carrier

Just like the Expendables

Exactly, alright, let's keep going

Are they coming out with a number 2?

Uh, G.I. Joe movie number 2?

I don't know

No, the Expendables

The Expendables number 2? I don't know

Oh, that's good for them

Yeah, they're bringing the Expendables 2 out

It's got Van Damme, Chuck Norris, a bunch of people in it.

That sounds cool.

Oh, yeah.

Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Van Damme, and Ronald Reagan.

And Ronald Reagan.

And the Terminator.

Robocop, too.

Then I'll see you guys.

Still waiting for that new Robocop movie.

They keep talking about it, never release it.

Talk, are you excited about the Avengers or not?

Yeah, sure.

Avengers, that'd be awesome.

There you go.

Whatever.

You're the comic book guy.

Anyone looking into Prometheus?

What?

Yeah, when it happens.

The new Alien movie.

Yeah, it's sort of kind of Alien, sort of kind of not.

Well, it's a prequel.

It is, yeah.

Okay.

It explains the space.

It's really Scott in this Alien universe, and it's kind of prequel to Alien movie.

Well, no, the whole story is based around the space jockeys,

and what the space jockeys do is that it's that skeleton of that giant alien

and they find in a crashed ship.

That's what they're called.

Right.

Ah, Alien.

Great movie.

First one was good.

I saw the other ones.

There's Alien S.

Alien S was good.

Who's calling?

You mean Turkish Kitchen?

Yes, hi.

Turkish Kitchen?

Yep.

Is the manager there?

Who's calling?

This is Cross.

Long stick up.

Telephone off?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

How you doing, buddy?

Good.

How we going?

I'm good.

Listen, I'd like to take a piece of turkey

and shove it up your asshole.

Okay?

Anything else?

And then you'll like it, because you're a gay.

Yes, I do.

I love it.

When are you going to come to my house and fuck me?

Whenever you want, motherfucker.

Give me your address.

I want that stallion.

You want what?

I want the stallion.

You know, they're going to get your phone number.

What are they going to trap him?

No, please don't.

Don't call the police.

Keep talking.

No, no, no.

Please.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

Don't.

Don't, please.

Okay?

I leave the phone on, so you keep talking, okay?

Don't track.

track it okay please you think a tracer can stop me all they're gonna find out is that you're gay

you like to suck the men yeah they're gonna have all the evidence all the things you said about

boys that you're gonna have sex with boys remember that we have that all recorded sir

and you're gonna fuck the horse remember i don't think he's listening anymore

yeah i'm gonna say it's one of my favorite pla things is when they who said that that wasn't

brad who wasn't it does anyone know who that was in that radio show you think attrisa can stop me

so it cracks me up every time i hear it it's true attrisa can't stop me all right uk calls are up

david reardon all right let me do this one i gotta sign up all right do this man get out of

here get the fuck out of here david reardon yes there are a lot of numbers in that uk phone number

sandbagging you david reardon hello yes how's it going uh yes this is brent westwood calling uh

we're just calling to make sure that you set your clocks back what david so if you don't set your

clocks back do you know anything about the pornographic movies that were found in your

neighborhood don't know anything about big knockers all right do you know anything about

do you know anything about the offensive anti-litter signs well there's some signs in

your neighborhood that are offensive i want you to take pictures of them okay i want you to go

Go take pictures of the offensive signs that are causing an uproar.

Do you hear me?

Looks like dicks.

Hello?

Is he gone?

He's just not playing.

I think he's just listening.

This is stupid.

All right.

Sir, you sit there and listen to what I have to say.

New News sent in an article.

Don't be a toaster.

Take your rubbish home.

Landowners' offensive signs cause uproar at a county manor.

Apparently someone put up signs in this village where this idiot who's on the phone who doesn't want to talk lives at.

where this stupid fucking guy,

this fucking mongoloid donkey molester

lives at. The message says

Donkey raping

shit eater. Upon entering the village,

there's a sign that says

Stanfordham

welcomes you, not litter.

But it

appears the rather modest sign

planted in the bed of daffodils.

I don't have time to read all this, bitch.

One resident has become increasingly

frustrated at having to pick up

litter, okay?

I know.

God.

So someone put up a sign that says, don't be a tosser.

Take your litter home.

Oh, my God.

Don't be a tosser.

Better if you did is on the line.

What's up?

Better if you did.

Speak up, damn it.

You've been calling all night.

Now we're dying.

What do you want, asshole?

Three, two, one.

Bye.

All right.

See you.

You're out of here.

Out of here on your ass.

I like that.

I like that Avatar has got those women with the pussy showing.

See that?

I missed it.

Where was that?

Panties.

Yeah, I like panties.

It wasn't worth it.

Nah, it's not worth it.

All right, so big deal.

So someone put up a sign that says, don't be a tosser.

Is that what the big deal is, Nunu?

Is that supposed to impress us?

I mean, sometimes you can.

I don't follow.

If Nunu would call in and explain this shit, we would understand.

Yeah, of course we would.

We're going to let that big guy get on the phone all night.

It's a big fucking insult in the UK to call someone a tosser.

But if you're tossing stuff, that's who you are.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

yeah richard bales we'll call him maybe he'll be more willing to participate we don't toss we pitch

you sir need to wash the dishes what you need this is already done dude well shit about time

you're asking trouble again hello richard hello this is richard bales yeah hi sir i'm calling from

the from the united kingdom sign administration i understand that there's a sign in your neighborhood

that's offensive that says don't be a tosser there's a sign that you put up in the neighborhood

hood that says don't be a tosser don't litter is this you live in you understand you understand a

punch to the face you would answer my questions you're gonna get in big trouble with me you

understand now listen you live in stanford you live in stanford ham don't you where do you live

you live in where do you live how much meat do you have in your freezer how about that

you shut up i'm gonna fart on the phone listen to my fart there you go how does that smell he's

gone he needs to get some more participating people yeah no kidding well that was in that

that right neighborhood uh it's funny to him i guess so i've been having my farts lately i can

only describe them as smelling salty that is the strangest thing i've ever fucking heard if something

can smell salty that's my fart smell salty i don't know i didn't even know salty had a smell

but there you go salty all right william harriman william william let me jump on him yes good

morning is william there william who william harriman yes speaking my name is brent westwood

ma'am yes what is your name shirley harriman shirley harriman well good morning i'm calling

from the united states we've been uh we've been contracted by the british government

to give wake-up calls wake up do you realize it's three o'clock in the morning and we are

80 years old that's pretty old are you a pensioner yes of course we are

i don't appreciate your call at this time in the morning so please put the phone down it's time for

to get a job

is what you need to do.

A pensioner

has been woken up.

Stop the press.

Oh, she was picking up again.

Coconuts on my microphone

smells good.

Smells good,

but I fart anyway.

Smells really good.

Oh, yeah, no shit.

Gross.

Anyway.

Salty microphone.

Smells like spit.

Who's having buns?

Who's doing it?

Tell me now.

I want to get into voice mail.

If you tell me now,

you won't be as much trouble

through the errand.

No, but no buttons for me.

That's the one thing they got on us

These people we prank call

They leave the phone off the hook

No way we can get through

I don't know if you guys know how phones work

I've never used anything with Skype

There's what?

Sometimes there's a few neat little menu options

If they have really old phones

Yeah, voicemail you can't

You can't just hack a voicemail

Unless you've got a lot of time or a computer machine

Oh, it was a voicemail, I thought it was an answering machine

On the answering machine, you can. You hit 0-0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-1-2-5-2-2-5-1.

Hello?

Yes, hello. Is this P. Edwards?

Good. Listen, how much meat do you have in your freezer?

I have it down here. We're calling from the United Kingdom Meat Administration.

You have more meat inside your home than you do ration tickets, ration books.

You have more meat than you're allowed to have, sir.

Who are you?

I'm calling from the United Kingdom Meat Rationing Administration.

Okay. How many cuts of meat

do you have? Up for how many days

do you have meat? That's a weird call,

I guess. Yeah.

Nobody wants to play, Dan.

Hello? Hello?

Listen.

Answer the phone. I command you.

Nothing. We got Captain

S.F. Riddell in England.

Give me the captain.

Oh, Capitone.

I gotta find my captain's hat, man.

Milkman, are you with a customer? Is Milkman

unconnected still. I can't see.

I don't see him. Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he's with a customer.

Captain? Captain! Hello.

Do you know what time it is, sir?

How dare you call me Captain?

Well, he woke him up at least, I guess.

It seems like those people

are already fucking awake.

He picked up on it.

Amelie, a left

tenant.

You pissed him off

enough to answer.

answer now it's busy ah he got us he got us with the trick still can't believe people like keep

telephones right next to them i know like high school yes it's old school is it that like for

me like a phone call like i rarely answer the phone rarely you gotta call me like five times

in a row for me to answer the damn phone you know that's about you the first hand experience

try to call me i don't answer the damn phone if you call me like five times i'm like oh it must

to be important. Let me answer this next time

coming up. And I might not even answer that next time.

What the hell is that? What are you doing?

I just stay quiet.

David Reardon, calling him back, see if he

answers. Breathing like that. Is that you,

Belushi, you're getting vaginal fluids?

Somebody's getting hot breathing over there.

Vaginal fluids you're getting there? I have no idea

where they came from. Hello? David!

How are you? Listen, hi,

listen, I have you down here on this list of

computers that you have more meat

than you're allowed to have in a week inside

your house. How many days worth

in your refrigerator or your freezer,

your ice box, your ice chips.

You know what time this is?

Yes, I do.

It's 5 in the morning.

Ed, it's 5 in the morning.

You're off telling me what to eat.

I've gotten this.

Because the troops...

Listen.

Shut up.

Shut up, you horse.

Because the troops need meat, okay?

We're at war,

and the troops need meat,

and you're eating all the meat.

You don't need that much protein.

Your kidneys are going to go bad.

Meh.

I'm recycling numbers here

because I haven't really got anything new.

Here we go.

So, Nim Thomas, N-I-M Thomas, whatever N-I-M means.

Little Nim.

I have a hotel number back a few lines.

You can scroll up.

Oh, you're in the chat?

Skype chat.

I almost never look at that Skype chat, you know?

I didn't know.

Oh, I'll look now.

You've got to tell me.

I'm not watching out.

I've got way too much.

I'll look, I'll look.

He's got like seven screens in front of him.

Hello?

Is this Nim Thomas?

It is, yeah.

What's Nim stand for?

N-I-M.

I just wanted to know what it stands for

I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone

I'll get mad alright

I'll answer the phone next time you call me

Sorry man

I realized the past three times

I did it on Friday and then it dawned on me

One time like oh wait a minute

That's when you take the wife out

That's when I'm always rolling by

Your place anyways on Fridays

Fridays I'm sleeping

Be honest with you Fridays after I do the show

And I wake up at 5 in the morning and get to work

Oh I'm talking about in the evening

An evening?

Yeah, I'm sleeping on Friday.

I usually sleep Friday by like 8 o'clock.

No kidding, man.

I sit here.

I usually sit down and I try to start editing the podcast on Friday.

And I usually fall asleep in my chair.

And then my neck starts hurting and it wakes me up.

And my wife tells me, you're fucking snoring.

Go to the bed.

And then I go to the bed.

That's my Fridays.

Big, big exciting Friday.

Now that I'm in my 30s.

Can't all be young like Tabachi.

Going out on Friday nights.

No, I'm not going out.

I'm going home.

Gay hotel.

Is this the gay hotel?

It's the gay hotel.

Thank you for calling the Parker Guesthouse.

It's in the gay hotel.

It's the Parker Guesthouse.

Liar.

Your call is being transferred.

Nobody there tonight, huh?

I've never heard of the gay hotel.

Do you guys call the gay hotel a lot?

Room 23.

All the time.

Is not available.

To leave a message.

Oh, I hung up.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no big deal.

No, there's some days it's real busy and you can dial every room.

or if that fails, there's a front

attendant who thinks he

can keep himself.

It's like one of those things that's on

and off. I think tonight's a good night

for it. Fine, I'll hang up.

Fine. Fine.

Next number, Robert Thomas.

Isn't that Robert Thomas?

Rob Thomas.

I've heard of that name before. Isn't that a musician?

Rob Thomas.

Isn't he the boring

singer who sings of Santana

sometimes. Yeah, he lived in Orlando

for a while.

He was Christian, and then he got in trouble

with drugs and stuff.

Like Rush Limbaugh. Oh, talk,

are you bored? You bored, talk?

Go to hell. Hello? Hi,

Robert Thomas, is he around? Is this the wife?

Uh, yeah, it's England,

and it's 4.30 in the morning. I know

what country he is, bloody Will, bloody dammit.

I don't know where I'm calling. Who do you think you are?

Tell him it was England.

What's that about? What was that?

that it's so fancy in the morning so what oh you piss off

seriously it's england so what this is america do what i want we have belief bars hello and now

skype just froze on me michael hall is located in england also i'm sure they'll explain that to us

also hello england robert thomas talk talk you stupid i keep picking up and hanging up and now

Now Skype's freezing again.

I'm losing Skype.

Damn it.

Too many of you guys connected here.

All right, well, I'm going to jump off.

I got to go.

Bye.

Who's that Belushi guy?

He's got to go clean.

He's not saying anything.

He's got to go sweep the floor.

I got to go T.T.

I got to go sweep the floor for my wife.

I get in trouble every week for not doing the dishes.

What man does the dishes, huh?

I'm just saying.

I do dishes.

You don't have a woman to do them, though, Aji.

Come on.

Or a man.

That's okay if you've got a man.

Hello?

Hey, just heard we have a dishwasher.

Oh, that works.

I do dishes for my wife.

Michael Calder.

Yes, this is Michael.

Hello?

Yes, is Michael there?

Do you know this is the middle of the night?

Yeah, it's 530.

I don't care.

So what?

What are you doing?

Are you sleeping?

Yes.

Not anymore, right?

You're awake.

Yes.

I got you there.

Can I speak to Michael, please?

is important. I'm sorry. Listen,

it's important. If you don't put him on, you're going to be

in big trouble, Missy. I'm terribly

sorry he's not available. You stupid woman.

Put him on. Let me talk to you then, okay?

Aw. I don't know.

Is she sorry?

Hello. Michael! Sorry. Michael

Holland said then. I hate that song.

I think I'm going to end the show here pretty soon.

I know it's a half hour early, but I'm just not, you know.

Might be a good call. Tired.

Tired, man. Tired. Well, you're hot.

You're hot. Well, you're not. You're not.

You got to know when to end the show.

Yes, hi. How are you? Good, sir. Is this Michael?

My name is Cross. I'm calling about the administration, the United Kingdom Administration of Approvals and Denials.

Okay? You understand?

Oh, please. Come on, man.

What do I usually say to the UK at 6? I'm not hitting it right tonight.

I'm not clicking tonight. What do I say to them usually?

Say, cheerio.

Yes, hi. Do you know what time it is?

Yes.

Can you please report the time?

Sorry?

Can you please report the time to me?

No.

I command you, in the name of the United States.

Yeah, fuck.

Fuck you.

Been nailed.

Yes, hi, Michael.

Who's that?

Did you wake up now?

Were you sleeping?

Yeah, who's that?

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Hi, I'm Cross.

I'm calling from the United States.

How are you doing?

Well?

What's the matter?

How is it?

It's an important call.

It's very urgent.

Is your wife with you right now in your bed?

Is your wife?

Who is it, man?

Oh, you're in the bed with your wife.

It's important.

She needs to know about this.

Yeah.

Are you alone?

Oh, is there anybody in the house with you?

No.

Okay, so can you take your pants off and just walk around the house?

What the fuck?

My name is Cross.

You know, I like to make people kiss each other on the phone.

Where did you get this number from?

From the computer.

Uh-huh.

They have you down for a possible sexual deviant in the registry, the city book.

So I like to call people and have them kiss each other.

like to make call people

and have them kiss

on the phone

and I listen to it

but you said you're alone

right?

well can you

you don't have a woman?

he got a woman out there

he's gonna have him

get in the shower

he's gonna wash his hands

welcome to voicemail

the person you have

I'm gonna do another

prank call or two here

but before that

we gotta call milkman

hey

you enjoy the following music

while your party

is being raised

I'm sick of your stick

I tell you

I'm sick of your stick

good good good good to hear you man yeah man actually i'm feeling pretty good man

okay stretch my legs out you know stretch the legs out yes sir is that what you call it now

got my legs stretched out man you know middle leg kickstand man stand up good deal good for you

we're gonna call kevin guthrie hang on that's what them kids are called nowadays you kid now

now. You're talking like a kid now.

Oh, whoa.

Is this Kevin and Mrs. Guthrie?

Hello? Is this Guthrie?

Yeah. Is Kevin there?

Who is it? This is Cross.

Calling from the United States

Amherst Association.

Can you please put Kevin on the phone?

It's important. It's urgent. 4 o'clock in the

morning. Do you know that? I know. I'm sorry

to bother you, ma'am. Please forgive me, but I need

you to speak to Kevin. It's a matter of

urgency. Very important.

Hold on.

You've got to wait, brother.

Let me see.

Hello?

Kevin.

Uh-huh?

I'm sorry to wake you up.

Was that your wife I was just talking to?

Yes.

Yes, it is, yeah.

Oh, she sounds very nice.

Very nice lady.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd like, can you go ahead and just tell her you love her and then kiss her?

Are you waiting me up here?

Yeah, I like to make people kiss each other on the phone and listen to them kiss.

I really do want to hear that, man.

You think we could ever get someone to do that?

Like, make out?

That would be nice.

Because Milkman won't let us hear that.

Right.

Do we have to get another source for our entertainment?

Seriously, Milkman, I'm really upset you didn't let us hear that last week, you know.

All you had to do was say, yeah, I'm hanging up, and then not hang up,

and then just put the phone in your pocket and let us hear that.

That would have been awesome, man.

That would have been...

Okay, I don't need it.

I said last week, last week when you were getting ahead,

you should have left the phone on and not told her and let us hear it.

That's a little messed up, man.

Hey, this girl, you've got to understand, this girl's a double-weight.

She's a dummy.

You're going to get a blowjob.

Hi, is Horsefield there?

Yes.

Is this the wife?

Okay, can you put him on, please?

This is important.

This is Cross.

It's who?

Cross, yes.

That's why you called.

This is important.

I need to talk to him.

This is a very urgent matter.

It's a matter of urgency, please.

I'm sorry to wake you up.

I know I've woken you up.

I'm sorry, darling.

Mr. Horsefield.

Yes, hi.

Was that your wife I was just speaking to?

Yes, I'm sorry to wake you up.

Were you awake or were you sleeping?

Oh, no, I just wanted to see if you're in bed with your wife.

Was that your wife next to you in bed?

You're a weirdo.

No, no, no.

I just want to know if that was your wife next to you in bed.

Huh?

I'm cross.

I'm going to get him to wait.

Well, listen, please.

Can you just please kiss your wife and I can hear it?

Please.

I'm really not going anywhere with this kissing your wife thing tonight.

But that's all I got.

That's all I got to work with.

I command you to kiss your husband right now.

on this phone it goes automatically to the police yeah but i'm in the united states so

it doesn't work it does work like that if you're in the united states it doesn't matter because

it doesn't work on the metric system stupid then will you please kiss your husband i want to hear

hear you guys kissing i'm saying please okay hello please they keep picking up and hanging

i think they're trying to trace it does it does it take something like 20 minutes for them to

trace the call i don't think so like it's like like in the 1970s so they're like keep them on

the line to a trace the call they got a little wires in the back yeah i know they keep them on

on the line. What happened to Milkman?

Milkman, you dropped out again?

Yeah, I'm getting a little bit of a peachy.

Alright, I'll call you back.

Milkman's signal dropped out.

Alright. Scotland says Rip

Carlito. R.I.P. Carlito. Why? I'm not

going to die? Oh, because I'm getting caught.

Yeah.

Bongerick. You should do a Bongerick.

No thanks.

I don't need that anymore, man. I don't do that.

Drugs.

Yeah, you're the one that keeps drawing comic books about it

and, you know, getting into the children's heads and stuff about it.

Right.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Hello.

All right.

IRCTC114 says, can we prank call this number?

They close soon.

What number is it?

What am I going to call a number and not say?

Is it a person?

Is it a business?

Obviously, it's a business.

They close.

What's the business, IRCTC?

Tell me.

You want us to do your prank calls, brother?

brother. You gotta tell us what to work with here.

Big GameStop. The one thing is,

if you do want us to do a prank call, it has to be

verified, but we need some info to

work with so they'll have a reason to

talk to us. Yeah. Let's just say I called his number.

Like, alright. Code number

White House Hotline. Hello.

Hello. And now he's calling me an asshole.

That's where you're a real asshole. You're an asshole yourself.

No, no, boot. Uh, kick, uh,

kick IRCTC. Uh, I don't need that.

I don't need that shit. Calling me an

asshole in my own chat room. What's that about?

Oh, he hates prank callers. Oh, okay.

The manager's an asshole.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Not you, him.

All right.

No, no, don't kick him out.

I don't need that.

Closing soon.

They close now, RCTC.

You know, the penalty for sending a prank call that doesn't answer is getting kicked out.

No, I'm kidding.

That's not.

We'd have nobody in here.

I'm kidding.

I'm in a weird mood today, RCTC.

I know this is your first night here that I've noticed.

Please just don't take it to heart.

Yeah.

You guys just kind of learn, you know, that some of the things that we require is basic,

you know, whole references.

I just want to answer, hopefully they speak the freaking English.

I'm proud to work with some information to discuss this week.

Yeah.

The tactic feels comfortable talking to us.

They need to learn that, Milkman.

You know, you need to learn bros before hoes.

Remember that?

Remember how we used to say that?

What is it?

Remember how, what you used to learn?

You used to know bros before hoes, and then you forgot that last week.

You forgot it.

Hello?

This is Lara.

Lara, do you have a man there with you, or are you alone?

Well, this is Cross.

I was just wondering if you have, there is your husband next to you.

Hello?

Your husband.

Who are you?

Well, I need to speak to Mr. Horsfield.

My name is Cross.

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Cross.

Cross.

I'm a friend of your husband.

It's an urgent matter.

It's a matter of urgency.

What's it regarding?

It's about an amorous relationship that he's in.

An amorous relationship that he's in, you know?

Yeah, an amorous relationship.

Who is?

Yeah, he's in an infidelious relationship.

With who?

With me, yeah.

Will you kiss him and let me hear?

A relationship with this guy.

You can speak to him.

Hey, honey, how are you?

You can see the moon.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, how are you, honey?

I'm fine.

I'm sorry to wake you up, but I wanted to kiss you tonight, and I can't be there right now.

Well, you've got to be somewhere else, don't you?

No, this is Mr. Horsfield.

Please, no, this is not Mr. Horsfield.

No, can you kiss her for me? Let me hear.

Please, don't you love her?

No.

You don't love Lara? Say it right now. I don't love Lara. Say it. Say it.

I've got to go to sleep. See ya.

Put her back on the phone. Put her on the phone.

Goodbye.

put on the phone put her on the phone i command you shut up please i think for a second she

believed it i don't know i don't know how the woman just puts a real man on the phone he's

half asleep i thought i could convince him to do something because he said it's so like

he was halfway in the dream still uh he's just like you're in an amorous

rapidly turned into a nightmare there two more pranks are recalling it tonight i think there's

a lot of requested pranks i didn't get to i'm sorry i just can't this is it like michael

Jackson. We're going to call Kathy

at Newbank, Kathy Eubank,

and Kathy Newbound. Hi, is

Kathy there? Just a minute.

Hi, Kathy. Good morning. How are you?

Who are you? My name is, I am the

Frenchman. My name is Cross. I'm from France.

Okay, how can I help you?

Yes, I was wondering, are you sleeping in the

bed with your husband, or is he in another bed?

Hello? Hi.

You know, I thought I'd get somewhere tonight with the

freakiness, you know, being a little weird.

All these people are like,

I'm sorry, there's nobody here to take your call.

Nothing. Last call of the night.

Captain U-Bound in England also.

This is the last one.

Member of the Council of the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead.

Uh-huh. Good.

Hope you guys have enjoyed the show tonight.

I've tried my best.

At the very least, we've kept you entertained.

You've tried pranks.

Yes, hi. I like to think.

Thinking about you tonight.

Thinking about what we could do together

where I wake you up and tell you these things on the phone

and you tell me what you're thinking.

milking and huh whatever i'm done i'm bored with this show i'm bored with this i'm bored with my

show i'm bored with madhouse i don't need you guys belushi you're out of here on your ass

see you later man bye you're gone out of here on your ass all right tuck tuckermike.com

you're out of here on your ass see you man and you milkman you're out of here see him

no i'm kidding go ahead go ahead i'm kidding i'm kidding

Oh, okay. No, no, no. I didn't want to interrupt, man.

But, you know, if not, I'd like to thank our participants.

Then you can throw my ass.

Like a Bulgarian whore. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

First, our most important thank all of our friends out there.

All of our friends right there at Texas Network.

Everybody loves the madhouse.

The number one man, the number one, number hit man of all.

The load of losers.

God bless the man.

And I sure do, sure do appreciate all that you do, my friend, my great friend, fellow Pennsylvanian.

But also, you, especially you, our listeners, our beloved friends and lovers of the Madhouse for many years.

That's right, the most interactive radio show that you can find right here in your ear balls on the Internet.

That's right, every Thursday, same back day, same back time.

Please, please bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy.

because we do this show every week for you.

We just ask that you give us the time,

and we'll drop the dime, baby.

Sorry you have to bring an enemy,

because you're all welcome right here at the Madhouse.

But what would we do without our fearless leader?

That's right, the man with the hammer,

the man with the big fat fingers.

And as you told Joey,

tomorrow at the Madhouse,

God bless our fearless leader.

Thank you so much, my brother.

And I did have a good, I mean, time.

Okay.

Oh, Milkman, you're funny.

Thank you, Milkman, for everything you do, man.

Everyone who sent in numbers.

Milkman already covered you guys.

Everyone who sent in requests for pranks.

Nunu, thank you.

Lonesome loser.

And everyone in the chat room.

Thanks, guys.

Let's do one more prank call.

Last one.

I promise.

This is for Nunu.

Dad, you can sound bad.

On your ass.

Whoa.

I forgot the name.

Calling Lexi's mom back.

Please just leave me a message, and I will give you a call back.

Thank you.

Please record your message.

No answer there, Nunu.

I tried.

Can't say I didn't try.

I didn't follow your orders.

Well, guys, this is it.

Milkman, you're right on your ass.

See you later, man.

All right, brother.

He went soft on that last one.

Thank you, my brother.

Take care, brother.

Peace.

Take it easy.

Peace.

Good night, everybody.

We'll catch you here next week.

MadhouseLive.com is the website.

Calls (39, 1 h 16 min of 2 h 42 min)

Transcript

Comments 0