You Just Barked Up the Wrong Tree

Well, David, I think you just barked up the wrong tree, buddy.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this conversation.

I don't have fingernails.

You may come up here right now and see me.

How about you come up here right now?

Sir, yes, I'd like to speak to her.

All right, hang on.

Samantha, I got that rude asshole fucking customer here.

Hang on, sir.

I'll put it right on.

I'm a rude asshole fucking customer.

What did you say?

We, the jury, find the defendant, BBC Wills, not guilty in all charges.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

All the very best to you.

You're welcome.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Thank you, everybody, for hanging in there.

Madhouse Radio starting up Thursday, March 29th.

Late start tonight.

I was out tonight with some coworkers.

That's why I'm starting late.

Sorry, but I'm here.

Thanks, everyone, for hanging in there tonight.

Spread the word.

Madhouse has finally started.

I'm Carl Leder, your host for the night.

We'll be doing prank calls, talking about events of the day and whatnot and so forth.

Having a good old time here.

Here on with me, as always, is the man himself, four-time domino champion of the Caribbean, the Milkman.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Humber.

How are you doing?

You sound independent.

Is your vocal cord ready to tickle our ears tonight with your fancy bones?

Thank you.

I'm doing good, man.

Just got back right before the show started here.

I wasn't going to go.

So, I mentioned last week, if you listen to the podcast that was updated today,

I mentioned that the Indian co-workers all wanted to go out for bowling and drinking and dinner tonight,

and I wasn't going to go because I didn't relish the thought of going out with Indians to do that kind of stuff,

but they forced me, they strong-armed me.

They said, what are you, what are you, a banchu?

And I was like, all right, fine, I'll go.

So I went, and I had a good time.

We did a lot of drinking.

Those guys can drink, man.

Bhenchod Ulus.

Good old time, man.

We bonded.

Prairie wine is awesome shit, isn't it?

Dude, we went to a Thai place.

I've only had Thai food once in my life before.

And I was already kind of drunk.

And I said, I want the hottest thing on the menu.

So they brought me green.

Oh, shit.

I'll get more of that in a moment.

Where's this for you at?

This is for tomorrow.

The ring of power will be here.

i took it like a man my mouth is still uh buzzing but it tasted good oh yeah it was good man it was

good as balls try the fresh rolls the fresh rolls no we didn't have i didn't have any fresh rolls

no i i had this oh my god that's something you're really gonna try dude let me tell you what i had

was awesome it was green curry okay they brought a pot out oh yeah they brought this pot out for

me with a coconut milk in it yes coconut milks it was like a coconut milk soup super spicy okay

okay and in it it has it has scallops it had shrimp it had beef it had chicken all of that

together um and with like some veggies in there like some green beans and sprouts and stuff

and like i started eating it and i'm like oh this isn't that bad like are you sure carlos

they're like yeah i'm sure carlita's all right and i got about three spoonfuls full i'm like whoa

this is starting to hit me i was like holy shit so so i started eating red i started eating the

white rice and and and then we were all sharing so i had pineapple pineapple fried rice man and

it had these hunks of pork uh pork back pork skin in it oh my god man holy god good stuff

these noodles pad thai noodles we're sharing all these pad thai that's good it's got the

brown peanuts or like the rice noodles oh it was very onion yeah oh my god oh man i had a good

old time nothing like uh a little bit of sweet did you put a little bit of sweet uh hot pepper

sauce on it uh no they had the chili i mean these indians eat hot food like it's nothing so they

were like passing around the chili the chili sauce the chili oil they had a big they brought it they

brought over a big container of chili oil for them to use because they knew then and they were like

carlos you wanted it carlito you want any chili oil like no i'm okay and they all started laughing

like ah he can't take it yeah but i took it like a man right in the ass so i've been drinking a

a lot i had a lot of beer at the bowling i didn't bowl because i'm not in um i'm still recovering

you know not that i'm recovering from the surgery but i'm still all fucked up from it can't really

move that well still can't see that well and it was a dark uh basement bowling alley like you

walked into the place and it was an arcade and a restaurant up top and the basement was a bowling

alley could barely see um so i just sat there hung out and drank beers all the time and ate appetizers

i had a good old time i bonded with some of the indians now i feel bad for making indian prank

prank calls you know and i think we're not i think we're banning indian prank calls no more

indian prank calls anymore it's over no i'm kidding what am i talking about milkman you

sound cheerful how you doing did you get laid today again did you have sex vaginal intercourse

some adulation uh earlier but yeah man i'm feeling cheerful robust uh viral uh zero uh

yeah yeah yeah i'll be fine i love it that helps me all right so anyway our website is

madhouse live.com that's the madhouse website be sure to join us in the chat room if you're

just listening and watching right now there's a chat room link in there that you can hit us up at

be sure to go in there and say hi to everybody a lot of people in the chat room now people are

filtering in word is spreading having a good time if you want to send your request you can do so

over at madhouse live.com there's a request a prank form you can use it's free fill it out

with your information hit the submit button it comes right over here to me and i will do my

my best to do your prank call if it meets our criteria and if it's a good idea um regardless

you can also send your requests or comments concerns and complaints direct to me also during

the show and when the show isn't on if you're using aol or yahoo instant messenger madhouse

radio aol yahoo instant messenger users madhouse radio and if you're using msn messenger madhouse

at live.com also as always be sure to follow us over on twitter madhouse on twitter at madhouse

That's all it is.

No Madhouse Radio, no Madhouse Live, just Madhouse on Twitter.

And Facebook users, which is most of you, all of you, even Milkman's got Facebook.

Madhouse Live Facebook.

Be sure to follow me.

Links are all over MadhouseLive.com.

On the line now, Milkman, Milkman.

So you said you're having a good week then?

You're doing okay?

Oh, hell yeah, man.

I'm gallons lighter.

I mean, I'm doing great, man.

Milkman, what about this kid that got shot in Sanford, huh?

That's the town over from where I live.

where i grew up in florida i grew up one town over right across the river from sanford i don't know

did you hear about that trayvon martin thing and they keep talking about the kid the black kid

huh did you hear about it well some guy george zimmerman puerto rican guy he looks white

the kid was visiting his dad from miami and he left his his dad's fiance's house to go to 7-eleven

to pick up some skittles and some iced tea and on his walk back he goes to the gated community

that his dad and his dad's fiancee lives in and the neighborhood watch captain sees him and starts

following him and i guess they got into a scuffle they got into a fight fist fight and uh the guy

ended up shooting this kid you know what is he 16 17 something like that ends up shooting him and

he's dead and the guy is still free he hasn't been arrested or anything when it first started i was

I was like, that's bullshit.

There's no reason some 16-year-old kid should have gotten arrested.

But within recent weeks, the media and everyone else is just picking this story apart.

And now they're coming across saying, oh, well, he got kicked out of school.

He got expelled because of marijuana possession and because he had a Twitter account.

I know, right?

Big deal.

And he had a Twitter account where he was talking shit about punching a bus driver and all this shit.

Oh, my God.

We have a bus guy.

The fact is, Milkman, when I was 16, when I was 15, when I was 16,

when I grew up a town over from Sanford,

Sanford is a town that me and Artie, whenever we went to go to the mall,

if Artie was on the show right now, he'd tell you if he was on tonight.

He's out on a big date.

But he'd tell you, the mall, me and Artie grew up in the same town, all right?

He's younger than me, but he's 10 years younger than me, I guess,

but we grew up in the same fucking town.

Well, he acts like he's like 15 years younger than you.

Sometimes he does.

But he'll tell you, Sanford is right next to us.

the mall that we go to is in sanford seminal town center you know and i worked in sanford

worked a few jobs in seminal county you know all that stuff so um it's not it's not the nicest of

towns but it is what it is but when you're growing up as a kid you're stupid you act like you're a

tough guy and you act like you're a gangster or whatever i mean i had that phase i i was like i'm

mr gangster and i'm mr tough guy and fuck the world and fuck the neighborhood watch guy that's

follow me and what probably happened was the guy came up on him was giving him shit and the kid

was like fuck you and started it sounds it seems like the rumor now is that the kid was pounding

was kicking his ass kicking the old guy's ass and the old guy shot him uh so then the argument's

gonna be well you know florida has a stand your ground rule you know if you're getting beat up

you can stand your ground but seriously man he had maybe there's a stand your ground rule but

you shot an unarmed 16 year old kid you know i mean how much of a pussy are you first just run

in a way he was on the phone with the cops already the cops told him we're on our way

don't do anything for you know and he's like can i shoot him do i i think the the video the tape of

the call the audio tape you know he asked the cop am i allowed to shoot this kid or shoot this guy

and they told him no don't do anything just watch where he is the cops will take care of it and

that's what it is because the cop's job and you need to get involved so basically this guy was

It probably was an asshole to this kid, and this kid was like, fuck you.

He's 16.

When you're 16, you do stupid shit, Milkman.

You do stupid shit when you're 16, man.

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God, dude.

You know what it is.

It's like that, eh?

He's a 16-year-old.

I, like, kicked over my biology.

I totally ate your man.

I taught his class.

He was like, I don't know.

Nice, man.

Nice.

So that's what happens, you know?

But on top of that, I think a lot of people are taking advantage of the story.

al sharpton's out there taking advantage the obama administration is taking advantage

a lot of people are taking advantage i mean you've got celebrities on twitter you got spike

fucking lee i don't know where his sense of fucking mind comes from not the brightest of cats

spike fucking lee comes out and gives out an address on twitter um in sanford it says this

is where the guy lives go kick his ass and then we all find out that it's really an elderly couple

that lives in the area but it's not really them

has the same last name and they're

afraid for their lives because half the world

of ethnicity

wants to go over to their house and kill them now

it's just ridiculous it's a big fucking mess

I don't know what it is with Florida

Central Florida Orlando when it comes down

to controversies and bullshit why they can't

get their shit straight it started with

you know look at Casey Anthony look at that

whole mess that whole mess of the way the media

handled the Casey Anthony case

and not only

They use these terrible, terrible tragedies, man, to gain, you know, to gain some exposure for their own, you know, their own.

Ratings.

You know, benefits.

Ratings.

And now the Obama administration is going to use it.

We're like, whoa, you know, I guess the Obama administration thinks of the Kennedy administration when the Kennedy administration was, you know, pro-civil rights.

And, you know, Kennedy was sending the National Guard into, you know, whatever southern state that was that was trying to segregate the schools.

and and the blacks got behind kennedy i think obama administration is gonna

obama administration is over the ring of their hands like oh we got this shit now

we got this shit now we're gonna back up trayvon we're gonna back up the trayvon thing and we're

gonna get them votes in 2012 you know what i mean that's it's just sad and in the end it's a kid

that died a mom and dad without their kid kid before he even started his artists why even talk

about it it's a prank call show i just wanted to talk about that just wanted to mention it

hey mano yeah yeah i got a technical thing here uh have you heard anything about the galaxy s3

samsung i've heard some things about rumors about it's coming out it's going to be this

it's going to be that i heard some things here and there yeah sure what's up well i'm just

wanting to find out for me what the shimmy is what you got man because it's usually pretty

on the spot it is no no i mean i know about it but no not not much not much i mean i've read

HTC release, man, because I hear they're

trying to, instead of May 22nd

for the Galaxy S3, it's going to have a

4.8

AMOLED, which is like

a non-backlight LED with huge

pixels on it. It's going to be HD

quad-core. I don't know.

HTC has

a phone that comes out every month, so I couldn't tell you.

It's hard to keep up. The Samsung...

No, I'm talking about the Galaxy. No, there's another

one HTC's got, the Galaxy 1

or something. I just read about it. Yeah, not Galaxy.

Samsung is Galaxy, so no, not that.

Definitely not a Galaxy.

HTC Galaxy.

Samsung does the Galaxy, not HTC.

Right.

Yeah, the Galaxy is going to be a quad-core phone.

Galaxy S3 is going to be a quad-core phone.

Sounds good.

I don't know.

I mean, I can't tell you much.

I've given up on trying to keep up with it, you know?

Oh, okay.

Well, I kind of figured you probably knew a little bit.

I know a little bit.

I just know the Galaxy S3 is supposed to be a really good phone.

I know T-Mobile's working on getting it, or they're rumored to be getting it.

That's as far as I can tell you.

Been a little bit out of the loop lately.

Looks like a good phone.

I don't know.

You got the Evo, so that should be coming up pretty soon for you.

I got the first.

I'm going on two years with the single processor.

I'm about ready to upgrade, man, because this thing is laggy.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I looked at the dual cores and how much battery saving they have and much more power they have.

Oh, you look at this.

I got the very first awesome 4G phone.

What about the Galaxy Nexus?

What about the Galaxy Nexus, then?

Yeah, but if they're going to release the S3 in April or May,

what the fuck am I going to buy an S2

when it's already going to be outdated in, like, two months?

Any phone you get is going to be like that.

I don't give a fuck, dude.

I mean, if I know that there's one just ready to break, I'll wait.

That's what I did with the Evo.

I was going to get something else.

Then I found out the Evo was coming,

and I waited, like, an extra, like, four months for that motherfucker.

Yeah, you got to do what you got to do, man.

man. It just happens, man, when it comes

to phones, especially with Android. It's all

fragmented, you know. I mean,

I would say, hang on, the S3, the S3,

the Galaxy S3 looks like it's going to be a good phone.

I would hang on for that. Wait for that

to come out. Do that.

I was wondering what this new HTC

phone was. Is it the HTC One

or some shit like that? I'm trying to figure out.

HTC One, I heard about that, too. Yeah, this

should be a good phone. Brand new.

I just heard about that one. Yeah, I thought

it was a T-Mobile phone. It might be coming out for the other

carriers. I couldn't tell you off the hand.

Off the cuff, I couldn't tell you.

T-Mobile's getting it for sure, because it's all on the T-Mobile website I go to.

They talk about it.

What's that?

The HTC One S release date revealed Sunday, April 22nd, apparently.

That was announced today on the T-Mobile.

Yeah, they want to try and move up the release date of the S3

because they don't want to get behind the HTC release.

They want to do it in April now.

That makes sense to me.

Man, they should do that.

God damn it.

I love my HTC, man.

Those bitches are fucking sweet.

All right.

That sounds good.

All you gotta do is HTC One X.

Extraordinary quad core, lightning fast web browsing, amazing picture quality games.

What the fuck is all the AT&Ts gonna get us?

All right.

Sounds like a boy.

One S, one X, one S, and one V.

I don't know what all those letters mean, man.

Hey, it's some madhouse.

They're probably different types of, you know, the modulation, you know, like the

The TDMA, the GSM, the, you know, TDMA.

TDMA X1.

Get that.

A JPEG.

Listen, Milkman, let's get to prank calls and Madhouse news real quick.

Real quick, two little items, first of all.

There's going to be two posts in the forums coming up soon in Madhouse this weekend.

They're very important.

The first one, I haven't started it yet, but I'm looking for all the Madhouse fans throughout the years, even current fans.

I'm going to be sending up a forums post.

So I'm going to set up something on the website where it's just going to throw up a random Madhouse quote at you.

Every time you visit the webpage, MadhouseLive.com, I've come up with a small list of some things.

But any Madhouse quotes, anything that Milkman has said, that I have said, that any of our prank call victims.

So I've got stuff like, you know, kiss my pussies on there and, you know, stuff like, you know what I mean?

Like, you know, fuck, you know, fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

motherfucker things like that things that over the last uh how much are your spaces stuff going

back for the last seven years stuff like that god enigma are throws in goddamn bath salts

goddamn it things like that man pants yeah all those things you know i just need a list any of

you i'm gonna make a list myself and i'll put on the forums but feel free to add to that or start

to start the post now yeah this is not a natural call i wrote that down that's a funny that's what

of the lady told me that this is not a natural call

she told me about sticking a carrot

in the ass. So things like that

if any of you get to before I do

tonight, just start a post in the Madhouse

forums there on the website

for quotes and start throwing them

in there and I'm going to do something

with that. You're a hardcore, long time follower

and don't forget about me.

There's so much material

just to not alone, man.

Years and years and years.

Anyway, so we're across the pranks.

We got some that came in during the week and some from tonight.

Start off with a Waffle House.

Call them and ask them questions.

Tell them you would like to make a reservation.

Once they ask your name...

How does Waffle House take a reservation?

Once they ask your name, tell them it's huge ass.

If you get a male employee, you're lucky.

They are stoners.

If they say they won't take a reservation,

go plan B and ask them about 420.

Okay.

We got a Waffle House in Chicago, Illinois.

This is sent in by Big Coleman.

Kind of a juvenile idea, but whatever, man.

I'm the prank monkey, and this is the first prank of the night.

it's always a throwaway so let's do it i got a lot of ideas for a request of pranks tonight

i got a lot of good ideas for a request of pranks tonight hello thank you calling

hi do you take reservations or is this one of those stupid shut up hello hello yeah do you

take a reservation is this one of those places with colored people where you just sit down and

do whatever hello wow thank you thank you coleman for sending in that number where they don't have

have a good phone that's one of those shit my mom had one of those phones when i was growing up you

know what i mean the fucking she had the fucking cord on it that reached you could reach from one

hand end of the house to the other with the fucking cord of the the cord of the phone and

it was so weak you know like if you moved around i was like you're talking on the phone you have

to push you keep pushing of the the jack in on the on the receiver and keep it from doing that

Jesus Christ.

Cord's getting all tangled up and shit.

All wound up.

Ugh, God.

God, thank God we don't do that anymore.

Thanks for calling off the house.

Hey, hi.

Yeah, what happened?

The phone disconnected.

What's wrong with the phone?

It's messed up.

What can we do for you?

Is it a cordless phone or does it have a cord on it?

It has a cord and it's connected to our credit card machine.

Oh, so one of those old phones with a cord?

Yeah.

Is it all wound up, like all coiled up?

I don't know, honey.

I'm trying to be talking about work to do.

You're looking at it.

The phone, the cord, does it all, like, when you hang it up, does it get all, like, wound up around itself, like, coiled up?

No, the phone is old, and it belongs to Waffle House.

I don't know.

I just work here.

Oh, can you check the serial number?

What can we do for you?

I want to check the phone out before I make the order.

Can you check the serial number on it?

I don't know.

What can we do for you?

I wanted to make an order.

Okay, what can we get for you?

The telephone.

Just wanted to check the serial number on it first.

I don't know the serial number.

I'm not about to look for all that.

I'm here to take orders.

What can we do for you?

I need the click count on your credit card machine and the serial number on the telephone.

I can't do that.

Bye.

What a shitty phone.

The click count.

Thanks for calling Waffle House, Lynn Hurst.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

Hello?

Yeah, can you please give me just the serial number off the phone?

I can't do that, honey.

Why?

I don't know you.

You're calling the business asking for serial numbers on phones?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I can't do that.

No, I can't do that.

Sorry.

Sweetie, please.

Bye-bye.

Honey, sweetie.

One more, one more.

One more, Milkman, one more.

Hey, big guy, how you doing?

All right, thank you.

That's good.

Yeah, I was calling about the serial number on the telephone.

It was just to make a record of that for the book.

I don't know, man.

You would have to call back and ask management that, man.

If you check the bottom of the phone, it has the number on there, if you don't mind.

I'm sorry, man.

Can't do that.

Come on.

You'd have to call back and ask management.

Can I ask the lady again?

I'm sorry.

What are you... Shit.

They hang up? They're still there? Hello?

We'll keep them on the phone until they hang up, Milkman.

What do you think about that, huh? Waffle House?

You ever been to a Waffle House, Milkman? You like that stuff?

Like waffles and houses?

House of Waffles? Milkman?

Milkman? Milkman must have a customer.

Thanks for calling Waffle House. May I hire you?

Yeah, hey,

Floppy Tits. My question

is the waffles there,

do they come with the hash browns

or is that an additional?

to them.

Waffles are served

separate.

And did you just

call me a bitch?

No, I said floppy tits.

Floppy tits?

Floppy.

You got big floppers.

No, I don't.

My titties are perfect, bitch.

Hey.

Amanda Hager's baby

is perfect.

I don't like big floppers.

What's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong

with a pair of big floppers.

Dice Star Strangers,

she's got big floppers.

Big pair of floppers.

Oh, boy.

She's got some

bang in that rack.

Where'd you go, Milkman?

I was trying to talk to you.

Where'd you go?

You were the customer?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, good.

Watch out for that, man.

All right, good.

Another request a prank we got here for a lady named Kayla.

Help me get revenge for all the shit she put me through over the past year.

Uh-huh.

Kayla.

Kayla lives in Ohio, and we're supposed to ask for the revenge for all the shit she did.

Okay, whatever.

What part of Ohio?

Do I just...

I don't want to really give out Kayla's address.

Fairburn, Ohio?

Not the exact address.

It was not a town.

Fairborn.

I don't know what the fuck that sounds like.

That sounds north.

It sounds north.

How do you know what it sounds like?

It's so blue.

Because those fucking weird-ass things pop up you up there.

Sounds south to me, bitch.

You know, we got a listener from Australia.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

This is Kayla.

Yes?

You dropped me on my knees, Kayla.

You got me begging please, baby, now.

Kayla.

You know that song?

Who is this?

This is Cross.

You dropped me on my knees, Kayla.

Kayla. And I was looking at a picture

you hear from the yearbook. Yeah, I was looking

at a picture you hear in the yearbook

from when we were in high school. Remember high school?

Are you

sleeping? I think you got me confused

with somebody else. This is

Big Kayla Walker, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I remember you. We went

to high school together. I've got you

my yearbook. You signed it.

Remember? High school? Dude, I'm

still in high school. Yeah, we were

going together, but I graduated already.

ready well oh my god so you don't remember me i can't remember anything for the last year

you remember english class yes remember all that fucking homework we have to do we had to do

yeah that's what i'm talking about it's bullshit it was bullshit it was bullshit yeah so totally

so did you hear about justin bieber what about him he's he here he got a girl pregnant oh wow

Yeah, it's crazy.

Oh, my God.

Did you hear about Brent?

What about him?

Brent got into a fight with Mike.

Oh, wow.

After school, yeah, totally.

Did you hear about it?

I think I heard something about it.

Yeah, it's crazy, right?

So, hey, do you want to go to prom?

No,

I got a boyfriend now.

Well, that's cool.

Look, I'm renting a car.

I'm renting a Dodge Stratus for prom.

I don't have to think about it.

I'm going to have a lot of weed,

and my parents are going to get a hotel room for me, so.

I don't have to think about it.

Oh, come on.

Will you see me tomorrow after class?

All right, I'll talk to you.

All right.

You know who this is, right?

Say your name again?

Cross.

My name's Cross.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to meet you again.

You remember Cody?

Go conference.

You remember Cody?

Cody.

You know who Cody is?

Cody who?

Cody Swan.

Yeah.

He told me to give you a call.

Why?

He said he went up in that, and it was good.

What did he say?

He said that he went up in that.

well he said you he said you were down you like the party man is he saying cody said that you're

down the party and stuff that you slept with him and all that that you went down i did all that

shit so i never even met him in real life look me and cody were watching we were i was at cody's

house right are you listening i was at cody's house and yeah it started out like he had this

this porno DVD, right?

And I said, oh, that's fucked up.

And he said, yeah, you want to watch it?

And so we started watching it, and then he started

jacking off. He asked me if it was okay,

and I said, yeah, sure. And then I started

jacking off, and then I was telling him, like,

yeah, I really want to get, like, a blowjob

from a girl. And he said, yeah,

you know, Kayla, she gave me a few

blowjobs, and she's really good.

And I said, oh, word? And he said, yeah,

and he gave me your phone number. He said he gave you a call.

What the fuck? I'm just telling you that.

I never even met the guy in real life.

We're bisexual.

Where do you know him from?

Internet.

Just a friend of mine.

Well, he's bisexual.

What?

He's bisexual.

Oh, wow.

Me and him both.

Hey, can you touch your elbows behind your back?

What?

Can you touch your elbows behind your back?

No.

Can you try?

Why?

Just tell me if you can.

Try and see if you can.

Are you trying?

Can't do anything.

Can you?

How far can you get?

Really far.

That's it?

Is that it?

Did you get it?

I'm just learning.

I mean, if this is some kind of joke, I'm going to be kind of pissed off, I know.

No, no, he told me to give you a call and all that, so.

All right, see you later.

Bye.

Hang up on her.

Milkman, I don't know, was that illegal what I did?

I used to get, when I was in high school, I used to, yeah, I'm not going to ask her that.

When I was in high school, I used to ask girls, can you touch your elbows behind your back?

Oh, let me try.

I used to do it to the girls with big tits, the Puerto Rican girls with big tits.

I'd ask him that

and they were like

let me see

they'd always notice

like

after they did it

usually

except for the really dumb ones

they'd notice

after they started

they did it for like

two seconds

they're like

oh fuck

oh Carlito

you messed around

you got me again

that reminds me

there's a really

there's a really awesome

trick milkman

I don't know

have you ever tried

the salt shaker trick

the what

the salt shaker trick

have you ever tried

the salt shaker trick

no

but I like the tank shaker trick

no

No, there's, um, you can trick your mind.

You know how you can trick your mind into doing certain things?

Uh, there's, like, there's a trick where you can, if you, if you tilt your head back and

you act like you're shaking a salt shaker into your mouth, it can actually taste salt.

Like, it tastes kind of salty.

It's really creepy.

I don't know if you ever...

What the fuck?

You gotta be kidding me.

Try it.

You really believe that shit?

Try it.

Put your head back and act like you're, um, putting, using a salt shaker, like, on your

tongue.

I'm doing it right now.

It tastes like cheese.

All the guys out there, everybody try that right now.

Act like you're shaking a salt shaker in your mouth.

Well, of course, it might come up in feedback if you've got your mouth open real wide.

It works.

It works for me.

I don't know.

It's amazing.

I can't believe.

I got my wife with that.

I was like, you know you can do that.

She started doing it.

She's like, you asshole.

Awesome.

And then she had a bunch of people do it, too.

that's funny

alright so moving right along

Lonesome Losers in the house

hey Lonesome how you doing we got requests for pranks

but sending your

confirmation

Lonesome sending

your confirmation machines in the meantime

Big Verge who's in the chat room

has sent in

Sonny's House of Pizza

Sonny's a miserable short little gang banger

from Massachusetts who moved up north

to get away from some heat

he opened up a pizza shop as a front but is

actively selling if you want to buy you got to order a pizza with african sausage if he refuses

you must tell him that you won't settle for the puerto rican sausage because the african sausage

is bigger he will understand this will make him very angry because he only deals face to face

i guess that's the code for the pot is uh i want sausage on my pizza african sausage or puerto

rican sausage whatever yeah what if they also order like white cream with that i don't know

He sent this on Tuesday originally

I sent it to RBCP to do on his show on Tuesday night

The phone show

I don't know if RBCP got to it or not

But I'll try it

I sent this one

I know but it's already

I'm trying to share

I'm trying to be nice

RBCP is working against some blockbuster

Some blockbuster customers or some pizza customers

And I'm excited about that too

Milkman Enema

you have reached zero zero please leave your whoops that got out i'll edit that out yeah sorry

about that yeah i am uh smoking a cigar here i am smoking my favorite brand of cigar thanks for

that one new new good job buddy my favorite brand of cigar cohiba these are the red dots from

dominican republic of course the better ones are the yellow bands those are from cuba uh no those

are for cuba these are the dominican version the legal version the united states cohiba best you

you can get if you ask me best bang for the buck macanudos i do i do get macanudos i've been i've

been smoking a cigar every day and i get what i do is um i'll show you milkman i get these

miniatures they're good enough for a car ride home from work after work they're about the size

of a cigarette maybe yeah the churchills yeah but that that's that's a churchill and all those big

ones it's good for the weekend but i'm smoking one a day to relax it helps out and uh the doctor

you told me true right no you can't when you when you when you start a cigar you have to go through

you can't stop and start it's gonna be nasty no you can't right yeah i mean that's good like a

that's a good saturday afternoon you know you're not working you know sit out on the patio on the

porch you know or the or the bar and you know take your time good 90 minutes smoke a cigar

watching golf you know what i mean watching bat you know watching some march madness something

like that having a good time with a cigar that's something you do but on a daily basis

I smoke these miniatures here, but I've been smoking

the Macanudos, but today I bought the Cohibas.

Monte Cristo?

Oh, Torpedoes.

Toriatos.

Like a cone, you know, you smoke the small end

and then you put it on the end.

Yeah, I think those are Toriatos, I think.

I don't know. I'm not a cigar expert. I do pretty good

when it comes to cigars.

Oh, Pyramids. What the fuck out of here?

Pyramid. What is this?

I don't know, dude. I quit smoking cigars

I used to get these ones that, like, the brown wrapper, not some green natural.

What's the brown wrapper called?

Maduro?

Yeah.

And then they had, like, a chocolate flavor, man.

They were from Brazil, man.

They kind of, like, chocolatey flavor.

They were fucking good.

Yeah, Maduros are good, man.

Maduros are the dark ones, man.

You smoke on that, it's strong shit.

Yeah, I had today on me and my new co-worker.

It'll get real rank in your mouth, though, you know?

Yeah, you got to be careful.

Yeah, me and my new co-worker, he's 20, but he smokes cigars,

and he's all excited because I smoke cigars.

Before we went to the big get-together, we walked down.

We're downtown.

We walked down to the cigar place, and we bought some big ones.

So we got two Maduros, and we smoked them on the way there.

And even when we got there, we actually were the last ones into the bowling alley.

We hung out outside for a good 20 minutes, finishing our cigars.

Well, we got some Maduros.

rose and the ones we got man like i i i cut it and i put it in my mouth and i put my tongue against

the end and it tingled that's how dark and rich you know what i mean like it was already tingling

you know what i mean like just touching the tobacco with your tongue was like tingly kind of

it was kind of good good stuff man that was good we had a good time was there any other tongue

touching on anything else no man i'm not a faggot it's not good man you know like tea bags like got

Got any situation?

No, no.

If I have the exuberance of the, you know, the fetish or the, you know, the mouth fetish.

God, no.

Listen, Kelly.

The phallic-shaped cigars.

We got a number for Kelly here.

Kelly designed a webpage.

We'll change the subject quick here, Mono.

Come on, man.

Work with me.

Kelly designed a webpage.

Kelly, shut up.

Kelly designed a webpage for a seafood company that really sucks.

Big Samantha.

Samantha.

We still love you, man.

Samantha, I haven't heard from you in a long time.

What's up?

I died.

Oh, my God.

Where were you been?

I like some...

God.

Well, it's good to hear from you.

Milkman...

You ever talk to Milkman?

Milkman's here.

Milkman doesn't know who you are.

Milkman.

I'm twitter.com slash I'm on jar.

There you go.

Who's this?

That's Big Samantha.

Big fan of yours, Milkman.

Milkman.

Hello, baby.

How you doing?

You sound awful cute.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

And she's creeped out on me.

I like your fresh voice.

Boy, that's nice.

Awesome.

Anyway, she...

What's up, girlfriend?

You've been missing MIA.

Fill us in.

Can you send me cock pics?

Bill, and cock pics?

What?

Cock pics.

She wants you to take a picture of the cock.

Oh, yeah.

Well, hell yeah, man.

Okay, cool.

But you cannot, you know, you cannot release this.

I could, you can't, you know, share this with anybody.

It's like a corkscrew.

It kind of looks like, you know, kind of like a pig's tail.

Oh, God, that's gross.

Don't worry.

Mariam, I'm familiar with receiving these kind of special pictures from celebrities.

I'll sign a note of your agreement if you would like.

Celebrities.

All right, listen.

All right, we got a number here.

From all the piercings, you know, after many years of piercing, that kind of grows in like a twist.

All right, Milkman, you're creeping me out.

Shut up.

All right, we got a number for Kelly.

Kelly designed a web page for a seafood company that really sucks.

Tell her that you think she sucks and she has a big fat ass.

All right, Samantha.

You want to do a prank call or you just want to sit there and be cute?

That's a tough decision

I know

What do I do?

Can we do a little bit of both?

Sure, yeah

Do a cute prank call

Alright

A cute prank call

You jump in when you feel it

She answers

Hey, this is Kelly

I'm sorry I missed your call

But please leave a

Of course she didn't answer

She sounds pretty

She sounds small

Eyebreaker

I split her in half

That was funny

You split her in half

You talk like a dude

I like that

I get that a lot

but I look like one, too.

Awesome.

Are you into that?

Best hand jobs are from dudes, man.

They're really difficult.

You've got to understand that.

Hi, this is Kelly.

You do Samantha, and that's true.

That's something all ladies can learn from.

Samantha here could show you.

Ladies, you've got to put some effort.

You've got to listen to the man when it comes down.

Because most men, when they're getting one,

they don't want to start telling a woman,

do it this way, do it that way,

because the next year, you're like,

I don't want to do it anymore.

You know what I mean?

You're just happier getting the hands up.

Right, Milkman?

You know what I'm talking about.

Some things you don't ask, and some things you don't discuss.

Some things you just, like, move in automation, and it's kind of, you know, the moment takes

you up, the groove gets it going, you know?

I think...

Like talking, you're like, kill the buzz.

I think it's all about the way you hold it, the way you grasp it, you know?

You gotta have not too much pressure, not too much, not too little.

It's like an egg.

You gotta hold it.

Well, I mean, there's totally different rules for the cut and the uncut team.

The cut team, that shit's like, fucking, that's harder than theoretical physics.

because I can't manage that shit.

Oh, you're messing around with uncut?

Man, that's nasty, really.

I'm not done.

Well, I don't usually,

but that shit is a lot easier

than trying to manage.

That looks scary.

I'm thoughtful about it.

I mean, here, let's...

You look like a dog.

So canine looking, you know?

That's like, eh.

I mean, let's all give a round of applause

for Samantha having to deal with uncut cock.

I mean, you guys think you have it bad.

She has to, you know, jerk off

and mess with, you know,

men that don't circumcise.

And that's just nasty, guys.

Just get that cut, man.

well don't you feel sorry for the babies

no

the babies getting all cut

what was that

that was the mormon church of Jesus Christ

but no way Carlito needs to

have his soul saved and the mormons think

they just the folks

mormons are crazy alright let's try to call them again

isn't there a 24 hour

prayer line

that's what I'm trying the mormons

no agents are available to take your call

no agents available

available so what we don't get a cue we don't get some nice uplifting hold music well a little bit

come on put some effort and mormons really need to get their straight act straight together they're

talking about living this principle and all this shit look this could be a fucking spiritual crisis

i'm in here shit they're too busy fucking no kidding and impregnating their 15th child wife

all those women they got just the life listen food co-op they help with your vegetarian diet

diet several months ago someone there can hook you up with weed ask them about herbal remedies

i remember calling this place okay we'll call them again i'm a vegetarian are you really yeah

did you know that vegetarian cum tastes better i've heard that if you eat pineapple it makes

it taste better yeah i heard that too any citrus really wait you know something i noticed if i eat

onion and i pee i smell onion in my pee so i mean totally i mean so i could see that

That goes good with a brief.

Yeah, there you go.

What about asparagus?

Oh, that's, that's, that's, everyone knows about that.

Well, that goes without saying, man.

They get the rosaroma there.

No, actually, some people, it's actually a mutation.

Only some people can smell it.

Oh, they're closed, too.

Yeah, you know, Samantha, do you see special pills that they sell now

that specifically target the semen and make it taste better?

Oh, yeah, you want to do some double-blind tests?

Well, I've thought about that myself.

Well, they've got, you know, they've got different, like, they have a cherry-flavored one and stuff like that.

I don't know how it works.

I guess it's just whatever's in it goes straight to the boys, to the ball sack.

Do you think they have a Twinkie-flavored one?

Ooh, there you go.

I might try that.

Thanks for calling the food co-op.

Please hold while I transfer you to the operator.

Damn, a cigar went out.

Samantha, you smoke cigars?

Something sexy about a girl smoking a cigar.

Only if it's filled with chronic.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

There used to be a 2600er named that.

Thank you for calling the Skagit Valley Food Co-op.

This is Jason speaking.

How can I help you?

Hey, Jason.

I had a question about vegetarian diets there and some vegetarian items that you have.

Okie dokie.

Let me transfer you to grocery.

One moment.

Is 2600 still even published?

Yeah.

We should write an article.

This is Lauren in grocery.

Hey, Adidas.

I had a question about some of the vegetarian items there.

Okay.

I know there's one specifically that if you, there's some different items there that I'm

trying to make the right recipe here for my wife.

She's on the line also.

Her name is Samantha.

That's me.

So what we're trying to get to is I know there's certain things that the man can eat that makes things taste a little better afterwards.

I know pineapple is one.

Do you have any dishes there or anything you could recommend that will make the, you know, certain things taste better?

Certain things taste better?

Yeah.

For sweetness?

Is that right?

Sweetness or just a flavor.

My wife, she likes like a cherry flavor.

flavor so we're looking something that might make it so after you know when we're intimate together

in bed that things come out tasting a little better if you know what i mean did you tell

him about the pineapple do you know about the pineapple well i can't think of anything you

should just ask someone else there who might have more experience in this arena all right

does he know what i'm getting at i went on him to ask people about what makes your cum taste better

I wanted to hear him ask.

We got some restaurants here coming in from Lonesome Loser.

Mario's Pizza, Biggie's Restaurant, Big Tony's Grill.

Biggie's.

Biggie Smalls, King of New York, King of Brooklyn.

Spanky's Pizza in Italiana.

Cool.

Where do you live, Samantha?

The West Coast?

No.

Good.

Keep it at that.

I'm just saying.

I'm just curious.

I live in Canada.

I see.

It's the North Coast.

It might take a while here.

Maybe we can do another prank while we wait.

It takes a while because he needs to find a vegetarian guy that actually gets laid.

Yeah.

Milkman gets laid now.

I don't know if you've been listening to the show lately, but he's been getting laid left and right.

I saw Brad post about that.

I was very happy for him.

Good Milkman, but he's not vegetarian at all.

I think all he eats is meat.

Is that true, Milkman?

Milkman?

He's with a customer now.

He's getting laid.

I don't think Milkman likes me.

I think he's just not talking

because I'm on the line

no he's with a customer it's cool

so Matt I just want to thank you when I was going through my eye surgeries

and my troubles you were very nice to me

when I called into the phone show a few times

well I mean

I really have a spot in my heart

for the disabled I've worked with them before

and I understand some of the struggles

they go through

being ostracized by society

and everything sometimes they just need someone

to be nice to them because it may be the only person

that's nice to them that day

Thank you, I appreciate it

Well, I was going through a lot

And I remember

And your divorce

Yeah, my divorce

I don't have

Sorry about the wait, who are you holding for?

Uh, I was, we were calling about

What makes your semen taste better

What's that?

Uh, what makes the semen taste better

The guy was looking into it

Um, okay, I'll let him know

That you were back on the line

One second

Thanks

Back on the line, where did we go?

are you gonna come to hope i'm planning on it i'm gonna need a ride though i don't know i can't

really get out there can't drive yeah you can't drive no do they let blind people fly on the

planes sure not fly the planes but sit in the seat uh yeah hi thanks for holding this is

in the health and beauty department oh she would know she sounds like she would know ask her

Yeah. Listen, hi. I was talking to the vegetarian department. We had been in there before, my wife and I, and the gentleman that works there was recommending certain things that make things taste better for my wife after when we're together at night, after we have...

The semen.

Yeah, that.

Uh-huh. Interesting.

So the gentleman had...

Do you remember who Wes you were talking to?

No.

I mean, when you called in earlier this evening?

no he well we were in there earlier today and he made some recommendations but we're the pineapple

tell her about the pineapple yeah he recommended pineapples he said that makes the semen taste

better but he mentions yeah he mentioned some other things and then my wife she's a big fan

of cherries um so we're hoping something that we can maybe get or order the next time we come in

that would make the semen taste like cherries after i ejaculate you know i'm not familiar

with any product that would um that would do that it might be something you could look up online

and we don't have computers we're not we don't have computers yeah i can't think of anything i

mean you were talking to someone who is an employee here yeah he wasn't he was telling us

about how he and his girlfriend that they do this thing with a pineapple and all that and that sounds

all fine and good but we're mormons and we're we don't really like tropical fruits and stuff like

And cherries are a nice American fruit, you know.

Or apples.

I guess your best bet would be to come back in here and talk with him then

because it's not something I can help you with.

I just don't have that kind of knowledge.

Well, how many apples would I have to eat after I masturbate,

like, you know, where it comes out and it tastes like semen?

It tastes like apples.

Apples, yes, that too.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Like I said, it's out of my realm.

Oh, are you one of those women that goes with women?

Answer the question.

I'm sorry.

I didn't hear what the question was.

Are you one of those women that goes with women, other women?

Is that why you don't know?

You know, guys, I'm sure you have authentic questions that you want answered,

and I'm not going to be the person to do that for you tonight.

So I'm going to hang up now, and like I said,

your best bet is to come back in when this person you spoke with,

or if you know who it is, I can let him know that you were calling to talk to him,

but I don't have any answers for you.

You tell me, you sound like I have a saucy little mouth on you.

That's cool.

All right, well, there you go.

In the meantime, we have Spanky's.

Speaking of that, Spanky's Pizza in Italian.

Why do they call it Spanky's?

I don't know.

Why would they call it Spanky's?

That's ridiculous.

That's a bit suggestive.

I'm thinking about what they're doing in the back room before they're tossing my pizza.

Are they tossing something else?

Not what I want to think about when it comes to pizza.

I don't want Spanky's.

I don't want that in my hand.

Dustin Kiefer is here.

Dustin, how are you, sir?

Holy crap.

You finally added me in here.

Did you?

Well, welcome, Dustin.

You've been calling quite a bit, and now you're here.

Welcome.

Yeah.

Took a while.

All right.

Samantha's here.

Say hi to Samantha.

Twitter.com slash I'm Elton John.

There you go.

Cool.

You're the one that talked to, who did you talk to?

Did you talk to Waz?

Weren't you on the line when I was talking to Waz and I said some weird shit to him

or something like that?

That was Captain Crunch.

I've also talked to Waz and Mitnick.

Yeah.

What did I say?

Did I say something weird like Captain Crunch about his muscles?

Oh, you were fucking hilarious.

I was mean to him.

You asked him about Ram Check.

I was dying.

Captain Crunch.

That's funny.

Oh, that guy is great.

Yeah.

Anyway.

All right.

Spanky's Pizza.

Big Belushi's on.

Big Belushi.

Let's see if he calls in.

How many listeners are there right now?

Spanky.

Thank you.

Spanky.

Thank you.

Spanky's?

Yeah, how can we help you?

Oh, you can help me great.

Great. Listen, I was a little concerned about the taste of the pizza.

Will that affect anything after I eat that with my wife?

Say that again one more time.

With my wife. I was wondering if it will affect anything after we eat that.

Eat what?

After we have some of the pizza and all that.

You have a lot of garlics and sauces and things like that there, right?

Yeah, what kind? Did you already order a pizza? We're already closed for tonight.

Yeah, yeah, we already ordered pizza and we ate it and everything.

But then my wife and I, we've had some red wine and pizza and everything.

thing we're a little bloated you know we were thinking um you know maybe we'd you know have

a little bit of sex and but we're just concerned you know what that might do to the taste of things

nah man you all right man go ahead and handle your business all right okay that's cool i mean

you have an experience with this with what you know with the taste of the semen oh no i don't

know what you're talking about man you have the you know with it you know how the semen gets that

taste of garlic maybe or onion no oh come on i don't know what you're talking about bro are you

you married huh are you married no i got two baby mamas though man i'm not married though

oh so they don't it's never affected things nah man obviously they're not swallowing they're

putting it somewhere else they're putting oh yeah do you like the cream pie or what's wrong

what you didn't pull out in time oh no man everything worked out great though uh you know

you guys have a good night what do you have two baby mama you're not married though what's that

You're not married, but you have two babies of different mothers?

Yeah, man.

I'm stupid.

I'd like to talk to you about Mormonism, because it sounds like you may be a little bit lost in life.

lost how you figure well normal people they don't have sex before they're married

and I'm a bit troubled that you seem to have had it twice.

At least.

I do apologize about that, but I'm living and learning.

But I do take care of both of my kids.

I do.

By working at a pizza shop?

What's that?

With your wage from the pizza shop?

Oh, no.

I do other things.

This is not my only hustle.

Are you a doctor?

I'm taking care.

Are you a doctor?

You're a doctor?

No, I'm not a doctor.

No, I cut hair on the side, too.

I'm a barber.

So I got a barbershop, too, that I work at.

So did you, like, do you, like, I mean, do you go no condom?

I mean, what's wrong?

Are you like Cedric the Entertainer in the movie The Barbershop?

Hold on, what?

Are you like Cedric the Entertainer in the movie Barbershop?

Nah, I'm more like the entertainer.

That was a good one.

See you, Cedric.

Nah, you know, huh?

Cedric.

You guys are crazy, man.

Where y'all from?

from y'all not from around here or what i'm i'm from utah from utah salt lake city damn i never

i never been there how's everything i've done well it's hot you're kind of people like it here

oh yeah what are the women like out there they big freaks or what um after marriage then they

can be a little bit on the wrong side i forgot you don't i forgot you don't like that before

marriage stuff i forgot i'm sorry well i accept your apology but the real question is will jesus

Well, you know what?

That's what I have to deal with when that day comes, huh?

I guess so.

But, you know, he knows my heart.

You know, I'm a good person.

Everybody makes mistakes.

I'm just curious.

So why?

But I'm not trying to be an asshole, but so do you just not like using the condoms?

It takes away the feelings or, I mean, is there a hole in the condom now twice?

Well, when I'm, you know, when I'm pretty regular with somebody, I'm not going to.

I'm more apt not to from time to time.

but if i'm just messing around with you of course i'm gonna have to uh you know i'm gonna have to

yeah but obviously but you're way too fertile here first of all you know and so i mean you're

not even married if you're gonna have sex without a condom at least you should maybe be married i

mean you know that's that's true and i do i do have somebody in my life that i'm at least

considering but you know i'm not gonna just jump into it you know what i mean so third time's the

a charm, brother. Third time's a charm.

How's y'all relationship?

Are y'all married? We're open.

Huh? No, we're good, yeah.

We're loving each other, but

you know, I'm not, I'm wearing

a condom the whole time. I don't trust, I don't know her that

well. Okay.

We got married, we got married so

I could get on her medical insurance.

I'm Canadian, originally,

you see, so we go back

every time he gets

an injury. Well, you need eye surgery.

I'm disabled

She took pity on me

Next time y'all stop in man

Y'all come holler at me man

I'd love to meet y'all

Y'all been some good people

We'll party, we'll have unprotected sex together

What's that?

We'll have unprotected sex together, we'll party

Nah, I don't like messing with men

I'm sorry bro

I'll watch, I'll watch

If you don't mind me

Knocking the back out of your woman

man i mean all right i mean you know sounds like a party do you know how to make do you know how

to make white girl hair look pretty too or do you only know about them nappy headed hoes what do you

mean what do you mean say that again do you know how to make white girl hair yeah what are you

talking about the top hair because most of the females i mess with don't have no hair on no hair

on the cat mike how did my cat get into this conversation your pussy well i was trying i was

i was trying to be nice i wasn't trying to say pussy oh this this conversation is really vulgar

this conversation just got really vulgar and i'm out of my comfort zone yeah very very well you

know i'm not i'm not disrespectful at all i tried to i tried to use another word for it well i just

wanted to talk about getting a perm or something and now you totally got this off track yeah we

just called about semen tasting good and then you just had to take it away somewhere else

hey you know what it's been fun talking to y'all man y'all cool people though all right like i

said y'all stop being there man y'all holler at me man i love to get to know y'all man y'all all

right with me well praise be to allah the merciful i love you all right brother have a good one all

right one i liked him hey he was cool that was great made his night that's awesome oh well then

all right cool uh i wanted to mention hey real quick i did see a movie that chris rock made

Except not actually see.

Chris Rockman, you mentioned white girl hair and black girl hair.

An awesome movie, very little known, not very well known, but awesome.

Chris Rockman, a movie called Good Hair.

It's all about black women's hair and the whole black female hair industry

and the products they use to straighten their hair

and why why from the time they're like you've really like in their when they're three and four

years old they put all these caustic chemicals in their hair to straighten it out to look more

white because it's frowned upon to have your hair natural and nappy as an african-american

and he goes to a competition that's in atlanta every year where people compete to cut hair and

it's really off the wall and there's even it's like a documentary yeah and it's crazy because

like at the end like he's he he shows it's kind of like a documentary and he shows like this um

competition and like there's like they compete and like there's like one of them like she she

cuts uh hair underwater in a fish tank um in her in her show and there's other this is other really

flamboyant gay guy and he has like he cuts hair but like a marching band from a black high school

comes out and they're playing while he's cutting the hair and this this is other very jesus-like

effeminate white guy who's really

well known for cutting black people's hair.

He's like, oh yes, I love

black hair. It's beautiful and I'm the best

cutter. Oh man. Good hair.

Go over

I recommend going to

Pirate Bay. To my local video store.

Pirate Bay. Get it there. Or Blockbuster.

Local Blockbuster. Yeah.

If you have any left, do that.

Yeah. There's a documentary

coming out about Blockbuster. The Rise and

Fall of Blockbuster also.

Blockbuster video and that looks

really interesting. I'm very excited. Very excited

about that. Free.com.

Free.com? Never heard of it.

What's that? Movies? Free? What is it? Free.com?

No. Free.com.

Free as in like let loose

as in do not imprison.com

as in Kim.com.

Kim.com. Alright. Good deal.

There you go. That's Samantha's web pick

of the week. Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Samantha. Very rude of me.

No, no, no. It's not a website.

His last name is .com.

Yeah. Kim.com. He's arrested.

Or he's trying to deport him to the States.

I don't understand how the United States

is trying to impose on another country

to deport him to here.

Yeah, with some whack-ass shit, really.

Over mega upload, yeah.

Big Tony's Grill, I don't want to do this.

Any of you two want to do this?

Please?

You've already done enough calls, Bridget.

You want to do a prank call there?

Who's on here?

Dustin? Kiefer?

I don't know if I should be giving out

your full name like that.

Is it Kiefer Sutherland?

Kiefer Sutherland.

Ed Winich.

Yeah, right.

here. You want to do a prank call,

Dustin, or are you good?

I'm good. We'll see.

I can't do that.

What are you here for?

Maybe sometime in July when they can be a bit louder.

Thank you for calling Big Tony's.

Big Tony's. How are you? Listen, I found

a fingernail. You what?

I found a fingernail there. A fingernail?

Yeah, there was a fingernail there.

What do you mean? There was a fingernail there when I

went to eat at the grill. There was a fingernail

out there. There was a fingernail out where?

Where I was eating.

It was in the plate on the food where I was eating.

Where was this?

When?

Big Tony's Grill in McKinney, Texas.

And when was this?

This was yesterday.

Did you?

Really?

Yeah.

I want an apology.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

I'm on the line here with my wife, Samantha.

Hello.

Yeah.

I brought my wife, Samantha, food, and there was a fingernail on it.

A fingernail on your food?

What did y'all eat inside?

Was it to go?

What do you mean?

It was to go.

I brought her her food.

She broke her arm, and she sent me out to get food, and I came back, and then she ate

the food, and at the end, there was a fingernail at the bottom of the food, the food container,

the plate.

It's like the prize at the bottom of the bag that I never wanted.

Man, this is disgusting.

What was your order?

Let's see.

A chicken, grilled chicken.

Was this last night or yesterday during the day?

Yesterday.

Yesterday, night into day, you know, like around early dinner time, I got out of work.

Who would do...

Was that yours?

Was it mine?

What's your name?

My name is Sarah.

I'm writing this down.

Sarah's fingernail was in my food.

My fingernail was not in your food.

I don't have any nails.

I have it written down here.

Yeah, you don't now.

Huh?

You don't now.

Why doesn't she have any nails?

You don't have any nails because you cut them off and you put them in the food.

You think it's a little joke to do that to Hispanic people?

No, I'm not. I don't think it's a joke at all. I don't have any nails.

Yeah, because you cut them off and you put them in the food because I'm visually impaired.

You think I wasn't going to know. Well, my wife can see just fine.

I saw them. So does she just have stubs?

How many fingernails did my wife eat before we found this last one? Tell me.

I'm really confused.

We ate food from there. My wife ate food that I picked up for her and it had fingernails in it.

She ate like eight fingernails and found one at the end of the food.

I don't have any fingernails and I've been in this industry for a very long time

and I do not clip my nails at the bar, for sure.

And if you're talking about fake nails, I don't have fake nails.

Yeah, this is a real human fingernail that came from your hands

and you don't have any now because it fell in the food.

I'm a geneticist. I can have this DNA tested.

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's fine.

But I'm telling you, I mean, if my fingernails fell off,

it's not because I clipped it and placed it in your food.

So I'm going to come in and get a cheek swab from you, then.

Is that going to be okay, so I can run the DNA test?

Would you be willing to do that to prove that it's not your fingernail?

Now, why in the world would I clip my nails and put it in somebody's tooth?

You're changing the subject. I see you don't want to do the test.

I'm not changing the subject.

You're accusing me of something that I'm very not aware of,

and I'm completely confused about this whole conversation.

First of all, you call me a day after saying that you found my fingernail.

You know how many people work here?

Well, you're the one answering the phone, so I guess you're taking responsibility.

Okay, so that automatically means that I'm the one that did it?

That's what it says.

You know, I don't make the food.

I don't put it in the boxes.

It says here, Sarah takes responsibility.

On the paper, I'm writing down, Sarah's taking responsibility for her fingernails.

I'm not taking responsibility for anything.

And she refuses to be tested.

She refuses to submit.

I'm not refusing anything.

Well, will you subject her?

And if you have a problem, Tony will be more than happy to talk to you tomorrow.

How about I have a blood pressure machine?

I'm going to connect it to your arm, and we're going to see if you're lying or not.

Okay.

And we're going to do a cheek swab.

Whatever.

And we're going to do a pap test, a pap smear on you also.

Yeah, okay.

Who is this?

This is Cross and Samantha, and we're geneticists.

No, really.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

That's my name.

And my name is Samantha.

See?

Told you.

And you're Sarah, the fingernail person who puts fingernails in the food.

I did not put my fingernails in the food.

You're more than welcome to call and talk to Tony.

Well, I've got it written down here, and I'm going to give this to Tony tomorrow

that you're taking responsibility for putting the fingernails in the food.

I'm not taking responsibility for anything, first of all.

Then you need to fix this before I get down there and talk to Tony.

You better handle this tonight with me on the phone.

I'm just going to sign the confession note as if I was you,

and we're going to show Tony that you confessed.

I confessed nothing.

You should be embarrassed for yourself, Sarah.

Shame on you.

This isn't a way to run a business.

You're disgusting.

Putting fingernails in people's foods.

You're gross.

Hello?

So are you sorry that you put fingernails in my wife's food or not?

I didn't put fingernails in your wife's food.

Oh, so you're not sorry that you put fingernails in my wife's food.

Okay.

If you just apologized, we wouldn't have to escalate this issue.

You can make this all end right now if you take responsibility.

And apologize.

and apologize and admit that you did it just you if you admit that you did it now you'll be in less

trouble you won't be in any trouble you can make this all you can make this all go away by admitting

you put fingernails in the food she doesn't have fingernails so how can she admit to it if she

doesn't have fingernails who are you what do you mean she i talk in third person sometimes and i

get angry well you really do you now you have psychological problems have you ever been baker

Well, it's obvious she has psychological problems

if she's clipping off her fingernails and putting them in people's food.

Obviously, yeah.

Why am I even asking?

And she talks in a third person.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this conversation.

I don't have fingernails.

You may come up here right now and see me.

How about you come up here right now?

Are you threatening me in my life?

And I can show you my nails.

Fort Worth, 682.

This is a prank call.

Have a good night, guys.

Bye.

How do you not have fingernails?

how do we get her on for that long

that's funny

there she goes

now she hung up

alright Brad Carter I don't know if you ever heard of

that gentleman Samantha

big fan of yours

he's got a number here

this is a person who ordered via the web

it's a carry out order

don't have a name or address or any other information

we got a phone number

we got a whole bunch of numbers here awesome alright cool

Alright, so, a carry-out

order. Let's do it here.

Wait, should we call it first

and get an employee's name and then

call the person?

You know, that's a good idea.

And then tell them we left a fingernail.

And here's a piece of

delivery again.

Brad, let me know

if you got an employee name there

if you're listening.

An employee name for that before I call it.

Hurry, post haste.

Alright.

All right.

Mario's Pizza.

Coming right up.

Are you going to Hope, Samantha?

Is that your plan?

Is that where you got plans to go to Hope?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, I asked recently.

I was going to make the plans.

And I was like, is anyone going to Hope?

I think everyone's going to Hope.

Everyone was like, no, we don't think we're going to Hope this year.

I was like, fine, I won't go.

Who did you ask?

I'm just obviously not anyone very important.

I don't know.

It wasn't Tiny Chat.

I don't know who I asked.

Brad said he couldn't go.

What? Brad said he's not going?

That's what I thought he said. He said he didn't know.

He didn't know if he could go. I don't know.

He was probably just on meth when he said that.

Probably. What an asshole.

Meth mouth, Brad.

Is this Mario's Pizza?

Mario's Pizza.

I think they ever get that.

11.45 already? Holy shit.

It's only 10.45 here.

Hey, Mario's Pizza?

Yeah, this is Mario's Pizza.

Oh, is this Mario?

Yeah, Mario.

Are you Mario?

Yeah.

Mario, I have you down here that you put fingernails in our food.

Huh?

There's fingernails in the food.

When my wife ate the food, she found a fingernail in it.

I know.

What are you talking about?

You put fingernails in my wife's food.

Fingernail?

Fingernail.

Fingernail?

Okay, okay, okay.

Are you Japanese?

Chinese?

Yeah, Japanese.

And your name is Mario?

Yeah.

You probably have the shittiest pizza in the world, don't you?

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you put eggs in the pizza dough?

you put eggs in the pizza dough no oh how do you make the pizza dough with fingernails

i let's make an order okay all right one order of shit shit shit shit you don't have any shit

kind of places hello dirty aaron's here how are you doing dirty aaron on the iphone skype

hey iphone skype good luck with that i'm on the ipad skype that's why i'm having some major issues

use. Oh, iPad.

Are you cutting?

I don't know which it's happened,

but it's not favorable.

Yeah, the Android Skype's pretty

shitty, too, man. It starts

ringing for no reason, but it doesn't need to be

ringing.

That's why you just use a computer.

That's right. Well, some of us

can't afford fancy computers.

So you afford an

overpriced tablet.

I mean,

it's a nice $700 phone.

No, I can't afford a computer.

No, I stole this awesome girl on the subway.

What do you got, an iPad too?

Are you really on an iPad? Which one do you got, Samantha?

I'm thinking about buying one.

This is the new one.

The new one? How many gigs?

16?

32.

LTE version?

No, I got the LTE first

and then when I compared the LTE

plans, I did

not decide to go forward with them

so I just exchanged it.

Yeah, I can't see myself getting the LTE.

You know, probably what I'll do is look at the Wi-Fi version

and then just have my Android create a Wi-Fi hotspot and connect it that way.

Yeah, a lot of people are saying similar, and I agree with it.

There you go.

Good work.

All right, cool.

Awesome.

All right, here we go.

Biggie's Restaurant.

Biggie's what?

Restaurant.

Biggie's.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yes, hi.

There's fingernails in the food?

Is what?

Fingernails in the food?

No.

You were just on TV. They were showing a TV show here in St. Louis on the news that you had fingernails in the food that they reported Big E's restaurant.

I did not hear that. Who is this?

This is Cross.

It was just on the news?

Just on the news right now.

What channel?

The ABC channel.

The what?

ABC channel.

Interesting.

Alright, so my wife and I had food there yesterday and we're concerned that there's fingernails in the food that we ate.

Well, let me have you talk to the manager.

is her? What was your name? Megan.

Alright, go ahead. I'll make a complaint about you

too. Thank you. Megan made rude

comments. You need to mute your

mic. Is it killing me?

It's killing me. Man, it's killing

me too. Damn it. There.

Is there no mute button on your version?

Oh, maybe there is.

I found it. My head is a horse.

Your argument is invalid.

Are we on hold?

Yeah, we're on hold.

Good.

Also sent in a number here for

or a catering place called Mookie's?

Let's call Brad Carter's number next,

even if they don't have the employee name.

We do.

Let me just hang this up.

This is stupid.

Barbara is the name of someone at...

Let's give a call.

It might be too late already.

Shit.

Let me get to it.

Barbara's there working right now.

What's the actual person's name?

We don't know.

He could not get that,

but we do have...

They said they have an order.

They're not answering, though.

We'll see if this one answers real quick.

Okay.

And we call.

I'm doing this on Google Voice in case they call back.

Oh, I can't be Barbara.

Too bad there's not, like, a line on the phone.

Oh, perfect.

It's not showing up on Skype here.

It's on Google Voice.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hello?

You just placed an order?

Yeah, ready?

Yeah, there's fingernails in that.

Yeah, I'm hoping, are you eating it already?

Where are you right now?

Are you sure?

No, there's definitely fingernails and other things in there.

Yeah, they were my fingernails.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I don't know.

Did you speak to Barbara when she was there?

She's pretty upset at you, I guess.

She said you acted a certain way.

She had put fingernails in the food that you got.

When you came in, I tried to ask you out, but you denied me with your eyes.

So, have fun eating my fingernails.

So, are you there, sir?

Sir, may I have a hug?

I didn't go for it.

Aw.

Is this him again?

Yeah, I'll try him again.

Okay.

Yes.

Do a message.

No, you fucker.

I hate it when people do that.

And I waited, too.

I was like, let me give it a second.

It sounded like it.

Sounded suspect.

All right, look.

I'm going to be honest.

Artie's calling.

I'm not going to connect him on the show because he's too loud and annoying.

But I am curious how his date went.

Let's see.

How'd your date go?

I mean, you don't know.

What happened?

Okay, why?

Did you bring her back home like I told you?

Did you get her high and go to the hospital?

She wanted to go home.

Let me connect you on air.

Hang on.

I don't want to hear this story.

Alright, I'll call you back.

What?

Oh, boy.

Everybody, hold your ears.

I just want to hear this.

Turn down the volume.

Turning down headphones.

Please, everybody.

Turn your headphones down.

We're going to be calling Artie.

I'm ready.

You know how he is.

Loud and shit.

Alright.

Let me type in Artie.

Evil Artie.

Here we go.

That's a conference.

Call cell phone.

Here we go.

Alright, so what happened?

I didn't even make it to first base.

Okay.

Did you pay for dinner?

Did you give me the K2 and to the...

80 fucking dollars.

All right, so wait.

Don't talk so loud, goddammit.

So your plan was to take her to sushi, all-you-can-eat sushi, right?

Dude, we ordered two things of Kirin and two big things of sake.

She had, like, one sake bomb.

Uh-huh.

I'm like, what a bitch.

So you had to drink all the alcohol yourself then?

I had to drive.

You don't just start ordering alcohol like crazy

She probably thought you were some weird psycho

Trying to get her drunk man

Was this a first date?

Yeah

Is she Mormon?

I don't think so

Isn't he a weird psycho trying to get her drunk?

No I get drunk before my dates

I was high as hell when I showed up

Yeah well there you go

So you pulled into her apartment

You picked her up right?

Yeah I picked her up in her apartment

picked her up in her apartment you drove all the way to the sushi place about what 30 20 minutes

away let's say yeah that was a lot longer than i thought it was all right so was the conversation

flowing or was it awkward there was a little like maybe every 10 minutes or so every 10 did you meet

her on ok cupid how did you know good guess samantha all right so so you get to does she

have any sushi or is she just sitting there yeah we got like did she eat also or was just kind of

I'm like, eh.

Yeah, she ate, like, probably half.

Right, and then...

She ate three rolls of sushi?

Yeah.

Like, 18 pieces of sushi?

Holy shit.

I don't know.

We just kind of picked...

Smoking marijuana while you're on the phone?

He's smoking fake marijuana.

No, I just have a cough.

Oh, okay.

All right, so you were high when you picked her up.

Did you mention weed to her also?

Yeah.

I was smoking in the car.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

You're such a...

That's...

She smoked.

Did she smoke with you?

No, because she has a job

and she's scared about drug deaths.

You don't have a job?

No.

Why do men even try to date

when they don't have a job?

Can someone please explain this to me?

He's got money. I'm not allowed to talk about how he's got money.

He's got money.

He's good.

No, he's good. He's good.

Trust me, he's good.

I already inherited quite a bit of money.

He's fine. Trust me.

He doesn't need to work.

But then he does shit like this.

I smoked K2 all day and had really bad first dates.

So you get to the sushi place and you immediately order two Kirin beers and two bottles of sake.

Not immediately.

Not immediately?

She said she wanted sake, but before we even got there, she brought it up.

Okay, all right.

So did you open the door for her?

Yeah.

All right.

So you smoked on the way there also, like on the way to the sushi place?

I told her I always...

That's really weird.

That's really weird, man.

Why did you do that?

You shouldn't have done that.

No, she would not have done that, man.

If she was going to smoke, then yeah.

But if you're just sitting there smoking by yourself,

she's probably like, oh, my God, I'm going to get pulled over

with this guy I don't even know.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

That's weird.

And then I got baked on the way back.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God.

Really?

Yeah, it was pretty fun.

For you?

For you, not for her.

No, I mean on the way home.

Oh, okay.

All right, cool.

How was the good night?

Watching all the trees go by.

Was it a hug?

It was good.

She gave me a hug.

Did you go for a cheap kiss?

No.

I don't know.

So you got a bad vibe.

It didn't seem like it went well.

Well, sometimes it doesn't happen, you know.

How old is she?

I think she likes me, though.

I don't know.

Yeah.

How old is she?

22.

And you're 22 also, right?

Yeah.

All right.

She's a smart girl and all that?

Yeah, a nerd.

A nerd.

All right.

E-buff.

Nerd buff.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Well, there you go, Artie.

I don't know what to tell you.

I probably would have stayed away from soaking the pot like that on the first night, but

that's cool.

But I want to do some fucking pranks.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, too bad you're not allowed to do pranks on the show anymore.

Look, just don't talk over my pranks.

You're really pissing me off.

You pulled a milkman the other day, and I got really mad when I was editing the podcast.

What prank was that?

I don't know.

You're probably high.

You don't even remember yourself.

So there you go.

It's funny sometimes.

Yeah, whatever.

All right.

RBCP is sending in numbers for people who've ordered pizza.

Let me see about calling this one here first, though.

It's a beautiful answer.

It's been forwarded to an automatic.

Damn it, man.

I don't know.

I'm going to go to Hope.

You should go with us.

Artie.

You should go with us.

Artie.

Samantha, what happens at Hope?

Is it just a bunch of, like, talks?

I've never been to Hope.

Well, what's the other one like?

DEFCON.

I've never been to DEFCON.

Oh.

I don't know what happens then.

Is this a bunch of...

I mean, do they have, like, little talks and stuff?

Like, this is what's going on?

They have talks.

They get drunk.

Okay.

Cool.

We'll see.

Sometimes they get naked.

Okay.

Sometimes they smoke weed in the car.

Really awkward situations.

Yeah, all that stuff.

The conversation did flow most of the time.

All right.

We got a good one here.

Answer the phone.

Tracker says, David put the pizza in the oven, so it's not delivered yet.

He ordered a pasta permavera, Tuscan salami, and roasted veggie.

What a shitty pizza.

All right.

Let's call it.

Hmm.

Oh, the hotel rates are up now.

That's good.

I'm going to book.

Oh, cool.

Hey, yes, sir.

I'm calling from...

I understand you just made an order.

I wanted to confirm that with you.

Make sure you were coming in, first of all, but you still wanted it to be delivered.

We got it.

All right, so then there's going to be an extra surcharge.

The computer here says you live in a high-risk delivery neighborhood.

Whatever.

Well, there is.

You paid with a card, correct?

Paid with a card, yeah, but there's never been an extra delivery charge.

Well, we've had some problems in your neighborhood,

and there's a report here of, like, I guess, I don't know if you've ordered from us before,

but maybe either you've got a complaint from a driver.

Did you not tip once or tip a little amount or say something rude to a driver?

Tip all the time.

All right.

Well, we're going to still do the delivery.

The driver's going to be on his way soon.

David's going to be headed out there pretty soon.

There's a deposit on the delivery.

It's a $30 delivery that's a hold on your credit card already.

I just want to explain that when you see that,

if you log into online banking or anything like that.

And we'll release the hold as soon as the driver gets back safe from your neighborhood.

then the hold to release and your bank might take maybe five or six days to release that uh the funds

we've had some problems apparently delivering to your location there so this is a requirement now

yes that's why we're putting the nuisance fee and there's also the 30 delivery deposit well yes i am

and i'm going to tell you something this is ridiculous now we'll cancel the order um but

because you're doing a short notice cancellation then that's that's what the deposit is designed

designed for uh so the deposit the deposit is going to stay sir we're going to keep the

the nuisance fees $15 and there's a $30 deposit and both of those we won't release the deposit

if you don't accept delivery of the pizza then well i'm confused too why people like you in this

day and age wouldn't tip a driver like that guys the price of fuel and gasoline and safety and

driving to a bad neighborhood like yours huh well have you been rude to the driver were you not nice

i said driver i'm confused this is within the last uh few weeks this would have happened they

have you done as a nuisance customer well no no we'll cancel the the fee for the food you won't

get charged for the food of course you're not being having the food delivered uh but because

because the food is already hang on hang on buddy because the food's already in the oven uh then we

are gonna have to keep the deposit because you're canceling that's to cover the cost of the food and

the driver sure uh yes that stays on the card and then also the $30 deposit won't release it'll

actually after five days it'll become a charge and we'll keep that also if you accept delivery

if you don't cancel then right there's an extra $15 fee on your order and there's a $30 deposit

but that'll release in about two or three days if you cancel the order then there's a total of $45

that will charge $30 deposit that doesn't drop off plus the $15 nuisance fee that you get charged

no matter what for placing the order and being a nuisance bad customer oh i don't appreciate

threats like that i'll charge you a threatening fee can i i'd like to second are we being charged

uh because we have a report that you're bad customers that you were rude to the driver

david before in the past and that you never had that's our last well david's very upset he was

very hurt when the way you folks treated him and you didn't tip him he says he has down here

customer rude and didn't tip enough it says here in the paper on the computer also it says it he

He put it in on his computer when he logged out that day.

It says bad customer, alert, bad customer, nuisance customer,

charge nuisance fee, next order, and place deposit from now on to this address.

What's this?

This is last week.

It's a weekly cycle, so I couldn't tell you specifically what day.

I know that you're a woman and you don't understand how the computer works, honey,

but it's just a weekly thing.

I don't understand how rude and cute.

He's busy right now.

He's finishing your pizza and is going to be in his car soon to deliver it.

and i and and i don't want you i want you done you better not be rude to him again you better

treat him nice and let him inside the house and let him sit down and everything did you keep him

at the door did you not let him come inside and put the food on the table table right now well

did you not let him bring the food inside the house and be polite to him and let him sit down

for a little bit while you get the money ready and everything and sign the receipt and all that

that's rude that's very rude and nasty my name is cross yes and david is gonna place a big

Big complaint. Big complaint on here

about how bad a customer you are.

And you should be ashamed. You're luckily

I'm even releasing this pizza.

That's the same people you killed last time.

I loathed.

We're new here. It wasn't us.

Artie, what do you think about that?

Artie hung up.

Artie hung up? Alright, good.

Okay, I think I confirmed my hotel

pen reservation,

but now I'm not getting a copy

in my email.

What's that?

You know, spam. Spam machine.

Not following. Not following.

Could we ask Captain Crunch

and ask him if he would know where my email went?

Maybe he'll tell you. He owns the internet.

I'm trying to call the pizza guy back

on Skype.

I have less than four minutes left for this call.

Why is my credit learning low?

Oh, shit. Is he not in America?

You didn't get the unlimited plan?

I do have the unlimited plan. It was supposed

to renew here, and I don't think it did.

Are your credit card bounced

as usual? Nope. Nope.

Oh, yeah, not enough Skype credit.

Now we're stuck with, ah, shit.

That's going to suck.

How is that even possible?

It's a long story.

Okay, now I got my registration confirmation.

It's because I changed PayPal accounts.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Next is blah, blah, blah.

Answered.

Order is completed.

Not sure of delivery or takeout.

All right, let's do this one.

Sam, what do you got?

Is that Tombstone?

Sounds like it, right?

Yes, sir.

I understand you made an order from my restaurant.

run that's correct uh we got it for double cut no sauce then you know that right yeah i understand

now there's a problem here because we're gonna have to place an extra charge for your food

you're having a what we're placing an extra charge on the food uh you were rude to the

to the delivery guy i asked him if he had any pepper and i tipped him two dollars

yeah was i rude well two dollars for two dollars first of all is not the appropriate tip

Yep, and why were you asking for extra pepper?

We charge for that.

No, you know the dried crushed red pepper?

Yeah, there's no need to ask for that.

You had enough food.

He didn't give me any, sir.

Well, I know.

You didn't have to ask him for that.

He doesn't have permission to give that to you.

How dare you ask him for extra crushed red pepper if you didn't order it?

Why didn't you order it in the beginning if you wanted it?

Sir, you guys have the Parmesan cheese and the crushed red pepper with the delivery guy.

Do they hand me extra ones?

Yeah, well, no, that's stopping here

because you've been taking advantage of that system for way too long, sir,

and that's what we have in the computer here as a bad customer.

I'm a bad customer, am I?

We have you down here.

Really?

Bad customer to ask for too much red pepper and gives a bad tip.

Can I have your name, please, and your phone number?

My name is David.

David, yes, okay.

You already have the number, I believe, don't you?

Do you need me to give you our stupid number again?

Oh, the stupid number again, okay.

And who is your supervisor?

Samantha's my supervisor.

Excuse me?

Samantha.

Samantha's your supervisor?

Yes.

And is she there now, or is she there during the day, I think?

I can put her on now, as long as you're not going to be rude and nasty to her.

Sir, yes, I'd like to speak to her.

All right, hang on.

Samantha, I got that rude asshole fucking customer here.

Hang on, sir, I'll put her right on.

I'm a rude asshole fucking customer, what did you just say?

That asshole.

Hang on, sir, here she is.

Samantha, are you there?

I don't think Samantha's available.

Really?

What do you think an appropriate tip is for a $33 pizza when you guys are already charging me for delivery?

It's $8 plus the delivery charge.

$8 for a tip that is appropriate?

Absolutely.

Really?

Yeah, it's 25%.

25% for a delivery when you're already charging me for it?

It's unavailable at the moment.

Please try again later.

If you don't have the money for it, just don't order pizza from us again, all right?

Why don't you just go to McDonald's and order off the dollar menu

and become a big, fat, stupid asshole?

Really, David?

Yeah, well, you know, what's your store number there?

The phone number?

No, the store number.

Which location are you?

What number store?

So I can get ahold of the store.

This is a, this, we're, you know, we're a franchise, okay?

This store is owned by.

Yes, I understand that.

This store is owned by Valente and Associates, okay?

I am David, I am David Valente.

And listen, I am talking.

talking i'm in charge of this conversation and i make the shots here mr bad customer

asshole bad customer well dirty aaron are you still there i lost everybody lost aaron lost

dustin i'm here i've been muted because i'm like outside oh we lost samantha was trying to put

samantha on as the supervisor that would have gone long and that would have been good she

fucked it all up she fucked it all up samantha good work that was fun i have to play a prank

call here because I'm having

a need now to fix Skype so we can do

UK calls.

Well, no. Bullshit. Let me see the Papa John's

numbers here real quick.

Yeah, fix the dollars. What the fuck?

Alright, cool. Thanks.

Listen, I hope you never ever

dare order

pizza from my...

If you charge my credit card, I'll reverse charges on it.

Well, no. You don't have a right to do that.

And I've already... I held...

Yes, I do. I've already signed my slip.

You have the charges.

I have a copy of the order.

If you look at the back of your credit card,

it tells you right there that we reserve the right

to do whatever we want with the information.

So we're charging $45 for a nuisance fee.

$45 for what?

Because you said bad words to me.

You said, fuck you, shit, bitch to me like that.

You called me a fucking asshole customer.

I did not say that.

You didn't hear that because I had you on mute, sir.

Yes, I did hear it when you called Samantha

and nobody responded.

The phone was on hold.

If you call me again, I will get a hold of the authority.

Listen, you asshole customer.

Cease and desist.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Let's call.

There was one before that we called that didn't answer.

I'll try him again.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

This is Pizza.

My name is Cross.

My name is David Cross.

Did you get your order yet, sir?

I did.

All right.

And what happened here with the delivery man?

Why were you like that with him?

Like what?

You were very rude and nasty to him.

Sorry?

You were very rude and nasty to the person that got you the pizza.

Why?

I don't think so.

I gave him a $2 tip.

Yeah, well, that's a very weak tip, sir.

You're supposed to tip at least $5 for a pizza delivery, at the least.

Oh.

All right, so...

Well, you have a nice night.

Well, I'm charging your credit card here an extra $10 for the nuisance.

Okay.

What's your name?

This is David.

Yes.

It's already done.

What are you going to do about it?

You're a stupid asshole customer.

What's going to happen?

Call the police, David.

That's fine.

Why?

Oh, police.

They're charging me $10 because I'm an asshole who doesn't know how to tip for a pizza.

Well, wasn't that bad.

No, no.

You had to tip 50%.

At least 50%.

$5.

Okay.

All right.

So, I have you down.

You're authorizing a charge.

Extra charge, $5.

I'm not authorizing anything.

Well, I'm putting you in a computer as bad customer.

What's your last name, David?

David Cross.

Cross, I'm putting you down as a bad customer then.

That's fine.

Bad customer.

I'll never order from you again.

Don't you dare.

You order pizza from us from now on like you always do, and you always tip good.

And don't you start any trouble.

You understand?

Don't you start any trouble.

Don't you start any trouble with me.

David Cross.

That's right.

Well, David, I think you just barked up the wrong tree, buddy.

What's going to happen?

Oh, I'm scared.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

What's going to happen?

Are you going to get called corporate?

I don't care about corporate.

Right.

What's going to happen then?

Are you threatening me?

I'm not threatening you.

I want you to know all these conversations are monitored.

That's fine.

So what's the wrong tree?

All I'm going to do is I'm going to call the police because I didn't authorize any charges.

And I didn't treat anybody rudely.

So if you try to charge my credit card any money...

I'm sure they're going to give a shit, stupid asshole customer.

Yeah.

Do some sort of...

Obviously some sort of troll.

Okay.

Now I can play the prank call and try to salvage the rest of the show.

hopefully cross your fingers that uh i can work out paypal and all that shit let me find a nice

long prank call here to play i can't even call milkman right now because that would cost credits

and i don't have any my idea is mio we lost samantha here also samantha just dropped out

that sucks it's good having samantha on the line but having a lady here in a line

goddamn sausage fest that the show is normally hotel extension cord it's a phone loser's call

I don't know much about that.

I don't know that I remember this one.

Let's listen to it.

She noticed she had an extension cord pointed to your van.

Yes.

And that's against the policy here.

And she tried to cut it with a pair of scissors.

I guess she couldn't get through it because it was too thick.

It kind of caused some sparking.

Why didn't she let us know?

Brad Carter.

Shame on you, Brad Carter, for being so mean and rude to an elderly lady.

I'm about gay.

That's just wrong.

Scaring her with gay.

Hey, everybody.

I fixed the Skype, I think, here.

and we might be able to get things going, hopefully.

I understand Dirty Aaron and Dustin are here still.

Gentlemen, if you can talk, go ahead and do so now.

Let me know. If not, you'll be dropped.

In the meantime, I will...

Speak. Hello.

Good, good, good.

Brad Carter. Gay. Grandson.

Bisexual. No, he's bisexual. That's okay.

Milkman Direct.

Let's get him here directly.

had some good pranks today it's a

pizza i don't know who else do we call who else do we call please enjoy the following

fingernails fingernails fingernails is good running out of time here get requested pranks

and i'm presuming we got some uk numbers and more from lonesome let's get going scotland says get

that thing out of the cam oh the incense is it bothering you guys hello hey milkman i'm back

All right, man.

I lost you there, man.

Yeah, what happened was Skype ran out of credits, and I forgot to buy more, and I was on a roll.

But, yeah, got you back, man.

How you doing?

Everything okay?

Beauty, man.

Good.

All right, let's continue on with a little bit more show here.

Maybe I'll do an extra half hour tonight since I had to start all night.

Oh, I mean, they don't have any say in it.

We heard a prank call when someone prank called Milkman about his rascal scooter.

I've never heard that prank call before.

That's a funny prank.

Frank, you might like that. I wish you could have heard that, Milkman.

An old prank by Brad

where, I guess, he called the hotel.

I guess he had advanced notification

that there was a guy in the hotel

who was charging his scooter

his scooter wheelchair.

He had, I guess, he had

a, what did he have?

He had an extension cord running from the room

to the van outside

to charge his scooter.

Brad called from the hotel front desk

complaining about it

and say that someone had cut the cord with a pair of scissors

and it sparked or something on it.

It was funny.

Funny stuff.

I said when I first started playing this,

I don't remember this at all, but I remember now.

I remember it.

You missed it, man.

We'll get it later.

All right, UK numbers in the house.

All right.

What happened?

Lonesome said, that's it for me tonight.

Next week, it'll be War and OKCupid.

Stuck up bitches, so we'll have a bunch of numbers for them.

OK, good.

Lonesome.

Easy there, buddy.

I'm pretty excited about that.

Yeah, I know.

All he did, he just sent in one UK number also.

What's up, Lonesome?

What happened?

You got tired, man?

He's fucking leaving us hanging?

He never does that.

He might be tired.

He works a lot, you know.

What about Nunu?

He'll get him.

I got backlog dumpers out the wazoo.

Anyway, so we're good.

Let's do it.

Hang on, I'm lining another cigar.

My iPhone Skype's working okay.

That's good.

I'm on the headphones or whatever.

Well, Lonesome, you have a good night.

If you're still listening to me,

thanks for sending in numbers, bro.

Much appreciated.

I'm going to speak to you.

So good.

Yeah?

Slow roasted barbecue?

What do you got?

I've written down, man, barbecue.

Oh, there you go.

Those blacks.

They know their stuff, man.

You got the red drink, too?

All blacks.

I've manned it on my rock.

The red drink.

Red drink.

Big red.

Isn't that what it's called?

Big red.

I don't like that stuff.

No, it's just red drink.

Red drink and grape drink.

Oh, that's what you're talking about.

Purple drink.

Yeah.

All right.

We got Uncle Tom's Liquor here from RBCP.

I think we called them previously.

That's a good place to call.

Try them again.

Jigaboo Jim is drunk again.

Call Uncle Tom to bail him out of jail.

All right, you got it, man.

Remember we talked about, is this place in Alaska or something like that, I think?

Yeah, I think we offered to fuck the owner's girlfriend.

Yeah, two weeks ago we did that.

The week before that we had a few back and forth with the old man.

Uncle Tom, how you doing?

Good.

Jigaboo Jim is drunk again.

Jigaboo Jim.

Yeah, he's drunk again.

Uh, you know Jigaboo Jim, right?

Yeah, the liquor store.

My friend Jigaboo Jim is drunk again, so I wanted to call Uncle Tom to bail him out of jail.

Mm-hmm.

Jigaboo Jim, you guys sold him alcohol and he got drunk, so you gotta bail him out.

What?

You know who I'm talking about.

Jigaboo Jim, he comes in a lot, has gin, drinks gin.

Jigaboo Jim drinking the gin.

What about you being a Bhenchod?

You're a Bhenchod, mother...

Mm, he's gone.

And RBC be confirming he didn't send that in.

Uh, whoever sent that in, I've got your IP address.

And I will trace you, okay?

I will trace you, and I will report you to the cyber police and the state police.

So don't do it again.

I'm warning you.

Don't ever do that again, where you come sending in requests of paying impersonating other people.

Who do you think you are?

We got a number in Worcester, Mass.

Red Lantern.

I'm just kidding.

Do whatever.

I don't give a fuck.

Red Lantern Restaurant.

Fancy Chinese food establishment.

I'm a regular there.

The owner, Danny, can have a pretty short fuse.

he has complained in the past about people stealing things from the bathroom knickknacks

pictures etc okay good um i did have ideas uh for the uk first of all i wanted to call hotels

and ask about their their light bulbs because i want to steal the light bulbs i got that idea

when i was in dc staying in a hotel last weekend uh i wrote that down and also the uk for some

reason i feel like i want to call and yell objection and good day sir that just came up

It came up in my mind during the week also, so there you go.

There are plans, big plans, Milkman.

Nunu, it's on you to get the U.K. calls.

U.K. numbers, man, because Wilson dropped out on his ass.

Available now.

Please call again.

Thank you for your call.

We'll get right on that.

All right.

Well, that request to prank ain't going down.

No fancy Chinese.

Maybe it's too late.

I don't know.

Next one here from U.K. Godfather, a.k.a. Red Sloth Man.

Oh, this guy again.

BBC Radio Bristol asked him about Minute by Minute, which has been going on all day.

It's a cell phone number.

Don't do it.

Let's see.

Let's give him a chance.

If it's a cell phone number, that's it.

I keep saying this every week, but this is...

He reached out to me and said, look, these aren't cell phone numbers, okay?

I promise they're not cell phone numbers.

We're about to find out.

Hello?

BBC Radio?

Pardon?

Is this BBC Radio?

It is.

Hello there.

Are you doing Minute by Minute?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, that's great.

Hey, can I?

Do you, so, do you just play the music there?

Do you play the music?

You know, I choose the music and you play it on the radio machine?

Um, yeah.

Well, my radio isn't getting the reception, right?

Okay.

And I need you guys to fix this because I paid for this radio, paid a lot of money, and it's not getting the radio station on it.

Um, well, we're in charge of the radios themselves. We just make what goes out on them.

Yeah, but I paid a license fee for the radio here, for the radio station.

Yeah.

So that's supposed to cover repairs of the radio when you people aren't working,

when the radio isn't working for this radio that I'm renting from you.

No, if it's a problem with the radio, that would be with the man, yeah,

people would have to fix that with the man.

Listen, I don't know how this, I'm from the United States.

I don't know how this works.

All I know is that I called the embassy and it told me the radio wasn't working

since I paid a fee and I'm supposed to call the BBC to get it fixed.

So I need you people to send someone out now.

I'll send out a driver over here now to get this repaired.

I have the stuff that I have to listen to for school tomorrow.

What make of radio is it?

What sort of radio?

It's British radio.

It says BBC on it.

Radio Bristol.

Is it on the radio itself?

I have the information here.

It says BBC Radio Bristol, and it doesn't come in.

But what's the actual manufacturer of the radio?

It says BBC Radio Bristol here on the papers.

I think it's BBC Radio.

We don't actually make radios.

I paid a license fee.

You understand?

For the television?

And the radio.

Yeah, but that's not to do with the actual electronic instrument of the radio.

I paid it to the government, and the government controls the BBC.

Is this British Broadcasting?

Yes, where are they both?

Hello?

Hello, sorry, we're very busy at the moment.

Don't you give me the runaround, you rude jerk.

You need to fix this radio.

Well, I'm afraid that that's...

I don't know what the embassy has told you,

but that's not how it works, I'm afraid.

Put your supervisor on the phone.

Put him on.

I can't at the moment.

Don't you argue with me.

I'm afraid I can't.

I have to ring some other people at the moment.

We've got a show going out.

I will squeeze your neck and pop your head like a grape.

Okay, thanks very much for your call.

Please, I'm sorry I said that, all right?

Can you just put him on?

Oh, man.

Yes, hello.

This is the BBC Wales.

Yeah?

How do you turn on the television in the BBC Wales, in Wales, in Wales-ish?

In Wales-ish?

Yeah.

Yeah, TV or radio?

I have a computer machine.

Right.

Uh-huh.

The television machine.

Prepare me.

I don't know.

...to BBC audience services, where you can provide feedback or get help and information relating to BBC programs and services.

The cigarette has a chocolatey, kind of smooth flavor to it.

I really like.

...BBC coming.

Good morning, BBC Wales.

Hello.

Boredar, Boredar, Boredar, Boredar, hi, I'm from the United States, I'm staying in Wales,

okay, hello, they said Boredar, that's funny, Boredar, people in the chatroom talking, yeah,

go ahead, sir, yeah, listen, why did you hang up on me, I haven't hung up, I transferred

it to a different phone so I could hear it better, it went like that, that's all I heard,

yeah, it's a transfer of a line, alright, so did you get those papers for me, papers,

I asked you about the papers.

What about the papers?

The important documents, the private documents.

Yeah, but who are they addressed for?

Oh, to the BBC Wales.

Yeah, but you must have...

Objection!

Pardon?

Objection!

Objection?

Yes.

On what grounds?

On grounds that you're disillusioning the facts.

On what grounds?

He's ready to represent himself.

On what grounds?

Yeah, go ahead.

Objection.

Yeah, on what grounds?

On grounds that you're colluding with the facts.

Here, where are these papers?

The BBC Welsh papers.

I command you to send the papers to me immediately.

Do you understand? The jury is present.

How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

Objection.

Very well. Motion stands.

I'm finding you in contempt of court.

I plead not guilty.

I would like to submit a non-binding arbitration first.

Well...

I can put you through two, sir.

Yes, I would like the last four digits of the social security number.

The last four digits of the...

Social security number and the command codes for the BBC Wales satellite.

The BBC Wales satellite, the last four digits of the security code.

Yes.

Objection.

Overruled.

Objection.

Overruled.

On what grounds?

Accountability.

Good point.

We, the jury, find the defendant, BBC Wales, not guilty in all charges.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

all the very best to you you're welcome that guy was a gamer yeah it was cool i didn't know

where else to go with that he's like he fucked you all up he figured i'll let him off the hook

he was a smart guy a little grubs wow all that thinking to get that out and then he just trumped

you yeah he got me i don't know how do i plead no one's ever asked me how i plead i'm always the

one asking that shit milkman objection to you i object to milkman bulgarian objection yeah so

So what was going on in the chat room?

Someone's getting a drug test, a hair drug test.

Yeah, they do sell a shampoo that gets sent out.

They sell it at GNC.

Yeah, but what about your testicle hair?

They don't take your testicle hair for that.

They can take your fucking leg hair, arm hair.

I don't know.

How do they test it?

If you shaved your head, then what do you do?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

It must be a government job.

They also want your Facebook name and password, too.

Facebook made a big stink about that last week, and then they reneged.

Speaking of reneging, Obama 2012.

2012 hey yeah that's gonna happen so it is gonna happen come on man have you seen this shit

i know it's a fucking shit show the fucking uh republicans republicans and the democrats

at this point yes milkman how do you plead he pleads dial the phone hang up long hanging up

on you milkman see you later bye all right oh my god i'm on because somebody's excited

I just wanted to say fuck you

Closso56

get out of the chat room

Closso's cool he's one of the only people that joins me

on Playstation

to play Battlefield 3

all these people

oh we'll play Battlefield 3 and it's the weekend

I'm busy

where's Richie at anyway

what

Dirty Aaron you said you're gonna

did you get Battlefield 3 for Playstation

was that you or was that someone else

Yeah, no, I got Battlefield 3 for PlayStation, but I bought it fucking used for $45, and

then I was stoked, and then I got on there, and they wanted to charge me $10 extra to

play online.

I'm still pissed, so I just haven't paid the $10.

Oh, okay.

But for $5 more, I could have got the game brand new and then got all the little coupons

for the upgraded guns and shit, but I got fucked up the ass.

I hear you, man.

Well, that'll teach you.

Buy and use.

What's your gamer tag, Carlito?

Carlitas?

x carlitus dash x carlitus yeah carlitus and a hyphen and then x and me uh you know what i heard

i heard the new version of the xbox i read this the the successor to xbox 360 is being designed

so it won't play any used games yeah do you hear they're calling it do you hear what they're going

to call it i saw some weird name what was it again but not such a piece of shit uh game station

no it's called the y box why the fuck would you buy the fuck would you buy one yeah exactly you

You beat me to it.

Yeah.

Cool.

It's too money.

What's that going to do to Gamefly, man?

Gamefly won't be able to support Xbox 360, I guess.

No, that'll never happen because retail stores wouldn't carry them, like GameStop and things

like that.

Wouldn't sell it if they couldn't sell their used games.

That's true.

What would the rest of the, what would, like, the third world countries, how are they going

to play video games?

Right.

The poor starving children won't be able to play Battlefield 3.

I think they're just trying to stick to, like, delivery, like, they want to do digital

It'll download deliveries and all that stuff.

You know what I mean?

Hey, Lonesome, send in more UK numbers.

Let's knock these UK numbers out and get out of here.

Did you ever fail a drug test, Carlito?

Never failed.

I passed plenty of them having smoked like two days before the fucking test.

I know how to do it, man.

I got a book.

I got a PDF book that teaches you how to do it.

It's mad easy to do.

You just got to drink a lot of water.

You don't have to do any of this pills and all that shit.

Yeah, that's the same thing that happened to me like two weeks ago.

When I was a teenager, I used to do the fucking niacin pills.

But you've got to do them before you go to sleep, otherwise it sucks.

It's all bullshit.

Yeah, it doesn't.

All you have to do, here's how the jar test works for THC, all right?

Listen up, Chelsea.

They check your piss, okay?

And you have to have a certain amount of THC for you to pass or you fail, okay?

So when you pee there, before you even leave the door,

usually before you even leave the little clinic,

they have the cheap $5 test is the first thing they do.

They dip the stick in there, and if it comes out a certain color,

then you fail the first part of the test

then they send your pee to the lab

because that part is like $150

but if you pass the dipstick part

they throw your pee away right there

like alright you pass, see you later, buy your gun

it's much cheaper for the clinic to do that

because they only get paid

they get paid their $50 fee

by the employer and that's it

so they don't send your pee

unless you fail the first one

they check the temperature

if the temperature is in range

then they they stick the little they put the little dipstick in there and if it if it doesn't

change color you're good to go all you have to do the day the day preferably stop smoking as many

days as you can before makes it easier on you yeah but you you pee as much as you can you jerk

as much water as you can and it doesn't you can't if you did less more than 12 hours before it

doesn't do anything preferably what you do the night and the morning of your test you're drinking

drinking as much water as you can,

and you pee as many times as you can

before you go there.

I recommend going in the afternoon

as late as you can.

And then what you do,

you do take some pills

that will turn your pee,

they turn what comes out of you yellow.

B12, right?

B12, yeah.

Yeah, just take a multivitamin.

That'll do it.

Multivitamin does it,

and it brings your pH down to the normal level

so it doesn't look fake.

My ex-girlfriend failed it

because it was too diluted.

she did the drinking like crazy

like I told her but she said oh I didn't want to take the pills

because I can't swallow pills

well they also say you can drink a lot of

Gatorade instead of water

yeah no hang on

try to drink the Gatorade before you go

because it adds the saline

to your pee so it's not coming out

so it doesn't

the gravity test also something like that

but anyway in case you do feel like

oh but Gatorade doesn't have

as much sodium so yeah you definitely want the

Gatorade

The other thing that really works for me

Is not smoking weed

That helps out too

But hey, we can all be free

Ballers like that

But yeah, I've done it before

Plenty of times, stressed out

But just do that

And also, when you go

Take your test, take your cup

Don't put your first

Pee a little bit, it's hard for women I guess

Stop yourself, pee a little bit

Clear out your system, clear out your stream

stop then fill up the cup stop and then finish peeing and you're good i heard that too that's

all but what's with the blue they when i went they poured blue stuff in the toilet too like to

like to make sure i don't know what they were checking with that well that's because they did

water yeah they want to make sure you're not taking water out of the toilet and put it in

oh okay that's why yeah yeah most of the places don't let you flush either wow that's what the

or get a Wizenator

if you're a guy you can get the Wizenator

the fake dick and if you know someone who

doesn't smoke just have them pee

Michael Madsen got caught with that

yeah I heard Milkman

you do like hard cocaine and stuff

right so how do you get through it

that goes right through your system though you're good

cocaine's good

the THC stays in your system for 30 days

the more you smoke

the worse it is like if you never really smoke

if you have a toke and all of a sudden

and you get pissed at it, it's only going to stay in your system

maybe a day or two.

But if you're a regular smoker, you have

to go. You have to not smoke for a long

time for it to be completely clear of your body.

It's fat. It's olive oil. It's what it is.

It's fat. It's an oil. Milkman, he knows all.

He's done all the research. He knows. So the fatter you

are, the worse it is. It is. The fatter you are, the worse

it is. Very good. The fatter you are, it's

in your fat cells in your system.

I'll share that PDF.

I'll try it.

They had me pee into the lady's hand.

She held out her hand.

Did she really?

Did she lick it?

She just made a cup with her hands, and she just made me pee into it,

and she just smelled it and licked it.

Oh, you're a liar guy.

Man, I couldn't taste it at all, but we ended up...

This sermon has to you, too, isn't it?

All right, UK calls, and we're calling it a night.

We're starting off with Mr. Harry Jones.

I love how that question goes, man.

You're very appreciative.

I want to thank Lonesome Loser.

Lonesome, I know you wanted to go.

You can go if you want, man.

You help us out way too much, and if you need to go, it's okay, man.

Don't worry. I know you might be tired.

It's okay. I'm just here

a little later because I started later today.

We love you, Carlito.

I know the last few shows haven't been bad

but they've been kind of weak.

I think tonight should maybe be a little better.

It definitely was already

so far. Thanks, man.

That's nice of you.

The first number isn't working. We got

Mark Higginbotham.

Let's call him and object.

Does anybody want to do this one before I

do it? I'll object.

All right, object to Mark Hagenbach.

Mark Hagenbach and...

Botham.

Yes, good morning, Mark.

Hello, Mark, I object.

Are you sorry?

I object.

You object?

Absolutely.

What are you talking about?

Hello?

I object.

Hello?

I was speaking to Mark on the phone.

Did something happen?

Who is this?

Yes, it was Mark on the phone.

Who is this?

My name is Chip Sorensen.

Your name is Chip...

Sorensen.

I'm calling from the United States.

I'm calling from the United States Office of Objection machine, and we're calling to

object.

Object to?

Whatever you're doing.

We're also conducting a survey to see if you can pass a drug test, because we need, the

Office of Objection needs some clean urine to pass their drug machines.

Why are you ringing from the United States?

Why not?

Because we're from the United States Office of Objection.

You're from the United States Office of Objection?

Yes, and my name is Chip Sorensen.

Listen, why aren't you taking this seriously?

Because it's 6 o'clock in the morning

and you just woke me up telling me that you object.

Yeah.

Can you put Mark back on the phone?

I don't think that the Office of Objection

does not object to women.

We love women.

Mark can hear you very well.

Well, that's great.

So are you guys going to donate some urine

or some money to our objection cause?

I'm having a laugh.

Are you just, like, bored?

Yes.

Can you just ring any random number?

Are you just ringing any random number?

Hold on a second, let me put my supervisor on the line

Supervisor?

Yes, hello, I'm the supervisor

Yes, they're having trouble with the objection

They don't seem to understand

Yes, cats use their tails for balance

And have nearly 30 individual bones in them

Would you like to receive a cat fact every hour?

Hello?

I think we lost him

Hello?

That was an awesome call

That was fun, good deal

Nunu has sent me cat facts, facts about felines, about cats,

and he wants me just to call and give felines.

Yes.

All right.

I'll do it with this one.

Mark Lynch, let me try this one here.

Let's talk to him about cats, see what he says.

I was wondering where he got the cat facts, like the random tail fact from.

Internets.

Ask Jeeves.

I don't think this is going to work.

Nothing there.

Well, Mark Lynch is in there, so instead we'll call Thomas Chambers.

Well, I will call Thomas Chambers.

That's what you get, Nunu.

That's what you get for asking us to do favors for you, Nunu.

I'm kind of lightheaded.

Nunu kicked me from the chat room earlier tonight.

He's a silly wanker, that's why.

hello is this uh thomas chambers thomas chambers yes uh cats use their tails for

balance and have nearly 30 individual

bones in them.

Yes, in ancient Egypt, killing a cat

was a crime punishable by death.

Well, listen, did you know that

the first cat show was held in 1871

at the Crystal Palace in London?

Thank you for asking about

that, and I will give you some more information.

Cats bury their feces to

cover their trails from predators.

Did you know that? No.

Did you know there are about 100 distinct breeds

of domestic cat? I don't know what you're

You know, cat, do you like cats or dogs?

I need more cat facts.

That's all I got.

He must be a dog skink.

So he only gave you seven cat facts?

That was it?

That's it.

That's pretty weak.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah, you need a few more.

Yes, I'm calling from the National Cat Administration.

I don't know why you're showing up in the post.

Well, I'm calling to let you know that cats bury their feces

to protect them from predators

and cover their trails.

You know when a cat eats the food

and then he takes a shit in the box

and he buries the shit

in the food?

Oh, I don't know. Thank you.

Cats take a shit in a box.

Okay.

They do take a shit in a box, those dirty cats.

Should I ask him how long after the cat eats the food

does it make a shit in the box?

How long after a cat eats a tuna?

How long

does it turn into a cat?

Thomas Kosins

is another one in Britain.

We'll give him a call.

Gregulate, you're the one that lost

control in the chatroom recently, huh?

What?

A few weeks ago, you went crazy in the chatroom.

Yeah.

Hello?

Is Thomas there?

Hello?

Is Thomas there?

I think you've got the wrong number.

No, I have information for you.

Cats use their tails for balance

and have 30 individual bones in them.

Well, and there's, did you know there's 100 distinct breeds of domestic cat machines out there?

You know what a cat is?

A cat!

Yeah, well, when a cat takes a shit in the box, it buries the feces.

Did you know why?

It's a natural instinct to protect them from predators.

They cover their trail from the shit and the smell.

Did you know that if you smell a cat's feces,

you can find out everything about the cat,

where he's been, what he's eaten?

Did you know if a cat...

Listen, did you know if a cat is diabetic,

his feces will smell like almonds and urine?

You've been signed up for cat facts.

Are you happy about cats?

Objection.

I object.

Are you in England?

Is this London?

Is this the British island?

Island of Britain?

No, I'm in Liverpool.

You're in Liverpool in the United Kingdom.

right yeah well then you did you know that your national animal is the cat you do love cats

did you know that if you die in your home and no one feeds the cat the cat will eat you

he will did you know that the cat is just waiting for you to die so he'll eat your face

good night good night good night all right and i heard that's actually true that the cat when

if you're laying down it's just sitting on you waiting for you to die so it can eat you

My stupid female cat, she bothers me at night.

She's waiting for you to die so she can fucking eat you.

No way.

She lays down on my chest every time.

She smells me like, are you going to die tonight?

I'm going to eat you.

That's why all those cat ladies end up dead and eating.

They trip and fall down and their cats eat her.

Hello?

Oh, hey-o.

Dial machine.

Hello?

Hi, it's a guy.

Give me a message.

Shut up.

It's a guy.

What the hell was that?

Britain, are you still there?

The lady in Liverpool?

She's still connected.

anyway I'm calling it a show

this has been fun

it's now 1.13

I have to work tomorrow

so in this case

so go

we will say goodbye

to Gregulates

and

goodnight guys

and Dirty Aaron

bye

see you later

bye

and Milkman is left here

Milkman

yow

Milkman you're a cat fan

right

oh yeah man

I love to shit in a box

did you know cats

have 30 bones

in their tail

oh my goodness

well what if they have 31

does that make them

like

like freaky

cause they got an extra

bone growing out of their tail

Make some African cats, Milkman.

Take us out of here, Milkman, all right?

I got things to do.

All right, well, if you get a wishbone, man, you don't break it, though.

Ew.

You hang it up on the wall, man.

That way you can show everybody how cool your cat is.

That's a horseshoe.

All right, well, that's good luck.

That's good luck if your cat has a wishbone in his tail.

You say so.

All right, Milkman, out of here.

Get us.

Oh, and there you have it, folks.

Folks, another fantastic episode of The Madhouse.

That's right, right here, 98.6.

I'll thank our numbers hitters.

And that's right, the master of the keypad dialing number system acquisition.

Yeah.

Thank you, number hit man.

Loser, loser.

I'd like to thank our friends, all our friends in the chat, all of our guest callers.

I request a prank up there.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to also thank our point man right there from Wankershire, England.

Yeah.

Sarah Nunez.

Thank you.

I'm going to have to come back and bust that chat up.

I'm just going to be fair warning.

I'm going to have to come back and sling the chain.

But no, no.

I'd like to thank also all of our friends at Stop By from Cacti Radio.

And I'd especially like to thank you.

That's right.

Our friends.

That's right.

Our dedicated fans of the most interactive radio show right here on the Internet.

that tickling your ear balls or ear fancies

every week. Same about Kay, same about

Don. That's right.

Why? Because we do it for you. That's right.

Why? Because we love you.

And

also, we just ask that

you bring a friend, or better yet, bring

an enemy. You're always welcome right here at the

Madhouse. What will we do without

our fearless leader? That's right.

The madman of the Madhouse

of Generalissimo of the Madhouse

Militia.

Thank you so much, my brother, for your lovely services to humanity and saving more lives every Thursday night by providing us with your great show content, sir.

Yeah, thank you.

That's it.

Thank you.

Well, Milkman, thank you for being on.

Yeah, thank you for being on.

Thanks to everyone who joined in.

Request to prankers.

Send in requests tonight.

That was great.

Got to, I think, all of them or most of them.

Thanks to everyone in the chat room.

everyone we prank call tonight uh everyone who joined in the skype conference including

next week dirty aaron gregulate dustin keifer and samantha yes milkman and our evil arty yes

you were saying milkman next week we'll be here yes we'll be here next week i will i plan on

remember you've got days to the prom that's right also i'd like to thank sword maven and

we miss very deeply and kokanee also and it's not one of the friends in tub and actually dance

store but

we'll rule

alright cool

well we're out of here

we'll catch you all

next week

thanks

oh yeah

so of course

we're on Cacti Radio

Brad

RBCP thanks for

sending in the

pizza pranks

that we did

that was fun

and Ted Webb

Ted W-W-W-W-Webb

and the

Blue Planet Prank

Radio Machine

we'll catch you

next week

as I said

bye guys

eye radio

not cacti

cat eye radio

cat facts radio

Calls (19, 1 h 21 min of 2 h 40 min)

Transcript

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