Put Two and Two Together

You've used about 75% more water than the average guest.

5 a.m.

Has it been three times?

I didn't order a taxi.

Could you possibly put two and two together?

Here, let me see.

Oh, forget it.

No, no, please, come on.

Okay, go call any place, not here, not this place.

Stop making us drink.

Do you realize it's 6 o'clock in the morning?

It's 6 o'clock in the morning?

Yes.

You don't say.

Who the fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfuckers.

For that sound effect and why, everybody, I'm Carlito.

I'm the guy that does prank calls on the computer.

You're the listener who listens to the guy who does prank calls.

How stupid of you.

Anyway, now that I've insulted everyone who's listening.

Shut up, now I'm kidding.

Now that we're here insulting you, we'll insult others instead.

said madhouse radio starting for the night april 12th i don't have my glasses i left my glasses

in the bedroom april what is it 12 i think that's a 12 april 12th all right april 12th it is and

we're gonna do prank calls talk things like this i'm super excited i hope you're excited too i'm

your host carlito be sure to visit the mainframe website that's over at madhouse live.com check

Check that out.

Forums.

What else is there, Milkman?

Milkman's here.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, my little dog.

Hey.

Hey, boy.

I'm back.

Man, it's so good to hear you, bro.

He's telling my brother.

Thanks.

We have tonight's exciting and sore course.

I'm sure it's going to be action-packed as always, my brother.

It's great to hear your deep, honey-like, baritone voice, Milkman.

I'll tell you what.

Just so you know.

I did miss you, my brother.

So good to hear you back.

Thanks.

Those things are going well there at the home.

Ted, you and the family and everybody.

Yeah.

We sure did miss you, Armanito.

Thanks.

All your devoted, lovely fans and friends of Madhouse.

I didn't miss them.

I can't wait for your arrival.

Oh, hey, you know, every week like clockwork.

I almost didn't do a show.

I'll tell you that in a second.

I don't know why.

Madhouse Radio and AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Send your requests there.

If not, the website.

You can send your requests on AOL, Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

I just noticed, I used to have this huge list of people on AOL, Yahoo, MSN,

that I would send messages out when the show started.

I used to be able to count on that.

And that's like slowly over the last two years, it's been getting smaller and smaller.

I don't think a lot of people use MSN, you know, Yahoo, AOL, or none of those messengers.

That's what it is, baby.

I do the attrition, man.

Everybody's getting away from that shit.

Yeah, I think people just stick to Facebook.

It's old, man.

It's like 90s, you know?

So people are using Facebook and bullshit like that more often than not.

I know.

I think that is.

Yeah, I think everyone's on Facebook, Facebook chat now.

And, you know, I mean, I got my close people are on my Google Talk, you know?

And that's it.

That's all anybody does anymore.

I don't think anybody really bothers with AOL and Yahoo and shit like that.

I still got it.

Yeah, they went to that Facebook crap because they can look at the pictures and talk shit over.

So, you know, we follow the sheep, man.

It's not out there, too.

You know what I mean?

Like, you know, it's a little more secure.

You have more control over who's out there seeing you online and who you're accepting.

And, you know, even though, I mean, you have to accept somebody for most of those things.

It was, you know, it was running around like wildfire bots and all that shit, stuff like that.

You know, plus this whole Twitter bullshit thing got started, so a lot of people fell

into that, you know, so a lot of people just kind of, and texting, it just kind of got

away from messages, because text is almost free everywhere you can go, just about most

plans anymore.

Yeah.

So, you know, people just dropped off Messenger, you know, they basically are texting and Facebook.

Texting, that, you know, I didn't, I don't know why I didn't think that.

Texting also, yeah, texting is supplanted instant messaging also, what's the point?

Why instant messaging if you can text?

Well, Twitter's the thing I think got the unlimited for texting, you know, because people

we're just going wild with that shit but the demand for texting went up and then the prices

for plans had to come down oh man because they were overcharging like for per kilobit kilobyte

of data for texting it was like four times what you would pay for internet for the same per per

byte you know what i mean it was like oh yeah the math got done it was like 99 cents a text

you know a few k's not even a k of information being set in a text a dollar 99 cents you know

fucking for that it's like yeah i mean nuts they're raping people on that shit yeah i don't

know do they even i've i've had unlimited texting since like 2007 i don't even know if you go for a

real weak ass plan like a real cheap ass plan they try to charge you for texting but like people

like metro these offers for service in general realize that well at least we can suck them in

with text you know and they have the unlimited but some of the bigger companies still try and

to hammer at you with it, but, you know, for me

it doesn't win me as well, but I just don't want anybody

I fucking want to text to. I hate texting,

honestly, because, you know, you can

say something quickly in about a second or two

where it takes you a minute and a half to text

and with a virtual keyboard, glass keyboard,

it takes another minute and a half to correct it

and retype it. Crazy, man.

MSN Messenger also

where Ted, not UK Ted

that I know of. I don't think that's UK Ted.

It's not Ted Webb. Just Big Ted

is on representing

MSN, he says, and

And, yes, madhouseatlive.com on MSN Messenger.

Another one that's really dropped off.

I don't know anybody.

I don't know a lot of people.

I've always said that a lot of people in foreign countries use that.

And they're still big with the international crowd.

I mean, most of the, you know, the British nations, you know,

and the commonwealth around this whole planet, you know,

the British-speaking world, man, most of them are still on the MSN.

You know, they didn't really think of DOL, but for whatever reasons,

It really was, you know, they really had a deep market with the British people.

All right.

It is UK Ted.

Cool.

Well, UK Ted's representing, you see, UK Ted on MSN.

Good point, Milkman.

You were right.

Gold star.

But I can't find it now.

Anyway, we're talking about Twitter and Facebook, at Madhouse on Twitter.

That's my Twitter, Madhouse on Twitter, and Facebook also.

Be sure to follow me there.

All the goings on Facebook.

Milkman's here.

Milkman, how's your week been?

Oh, my friend, so well.

So well, so happy to be alive.

Any day above the dirt is a good one, my friend.

You know, and that's the thing about us Madhouse people.

We're always available.

You know, we're always in the retrograde, the retroactive, the retro form of communication.

We're still there.

We're not going anywhere.

So there's many ways to get a hold of us.

Just stop by our website and just look at all the crazy ways you can send important messages

and plans for us to call off to.

Just make sure that they're confirmed.

That's right.

Doing well, my friend.

Yeah, man.

Hey, I'm doing good, too.

Thank you, Milkman.

Yeah, I almost didn't do the show.

I usually take a nap before the show lately.

I get home, and around 8 o'clock, I just either sit in my chair here

or I go into bed for maybe an hour and sleep.

I just didn't want to wake up.

Athena was like, you know, Carlita, are you going to do a show?

What's going on?

I'm like, I don't know.

She's like, you look tired.

Maybe just, you know, take a night off, take a week off.

I'm like, I don't know.

I guess I'll do it.

I kept hitting the snooze button, you know,

and finally crawled out about 30 minutes before the show was supposed to start

and got my ass in gear and got it done.

I feel good that I did now.

I would have felt better if I didn't now.

Now that I'm thinking, I'm jazzed up.

I got some juice in me.

Oh, yeah, man.

We're looking forward to it, Monique, this massive signing.

All right.

Well, let's get right into it.

We got some requests to pranks, and I believe we have...

Yeah, we ought to conduct a poll someday.

How many lives have been saved each year due to the madhouse being on the air?

Lies like...

We relieve tension, you know, we relieve the anxiety,

and instead of going out and killing somebody,

they just stop by the madhouse and have some fun.

How many lives? Like, it's like Rescue 911?

That's huge.

Right, I mean, how many people have been, you know, not slaughtered

because they actually ventured over here on the madhouse?

I know there's many times I felt like I wanted to run over somebody,

and that's like, ah, shit.

Then that half pops up, and I'm feeling good, man.

I'm like, all right, that's all right.

I won't run over somebody tonight.

You know, with all the shows, like, channels that have, like, reality shows and all that,

even the old ones, like, there's a lot of, you can still watch some old school cops out there.

You can't, you'd never find Rescue 911, man.

That was one of the first of the reality shows.

Remember, well, that wasn't reality.

that was that was actually um it wasn't scripted you know what i mean like it was

they were recreating events um but they were based on real stories you know they had like uh

they weren't necessarily the reenactments that's what they became yeah reenactments

yeah yeah yeah and that was around the same time as cops which was

that was the deregulation of the whole fcc genre at that time anyway and that's allowed

people like Fox News

come and listen, because they're giving

reenactments, they're renditions,

not necessarily true, but they're allowed to

call themselves news.

I don't know if Rescue 911's

on DVD or something. For some reason, I just

feel like I want to watch that.

Another thing is Unsolved Mysteries,

man. That's another one from back then

that you don't hear about or see anymore.

That was cool.

That was a really hit.

I remember once there was an episode, Unsolved Mysteries,

they did it on Alcatraz.

the, the, the guy that escaped from Alcatraz, and they said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, well,

he didn't, he got in the raft, well, he, yeah, they couldn't find him, or whatever, you know

what I mean, like, they, they said, they presumed he made it out, or he drowned, or got eaten

by a shark, or something, and then, they're like, they went live, and they had, um, like,

people were saying, oh, it's impossible to, to swim, well, you're out there, right, in

that area, and you're, you're, oh, I live right next door to you, dude, I look right

out and see it every day, man, I can see it, these are fucking currents are massive

and shit but uh well they it's possible that the rubble you know they got a little rubber

wrapping and may have made it short but you know the currents weren't what might necessarily have

been working for them yeah but there is time there's some time that right that these men

have actually worked for them right well this isn't it's really choppy water and it's full

of sharks and it's really cold or something cold as fuck too dude yeah that's what they're saying

So I remember they had some diver or some champion swimmer.

They're like, he's going to test it and see if he can do it.

And he swam from Alcatraz all the way to the shore.

He couldn't do it, I remember.

They're like, he's a champion swimmer and he can't do it, you see.

I'm like, I don't know.

But they're pretty sure that they built a raft out of a bunch of pieces that they caught together.

I never found the guys.

Or was it just one guy?

I don't know.

I remember.

Under the claim, they found some rubber from the raft.

But I mean, come on, man.

Can we be sure?

I mean, all those, I mean, with the, yeah, in San Francisco especially, you found a rubber at the beach, and there's so many homosexuals there.

Well, I mean, you never know, dude, especially if it's got, you know, if it's got the creamy sauce in it, you better just throw that fucker down.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, if you get that on the skin, there's no telling what kind of repercussions may occur.

Right.

UKTED wants to know how many people Milkman has hit with this cab while chatting to Madhouse while driving.

Wow, that's a good question.

You have spared many lives, you know, because, like, I can get on here and, man, that's the beauty of it.

People that have been around the madhouse for a while know, man, instead of having to kill, man, you just get on the madhouse, start slinging the chain.

Before you know it, man, you're smiling instead of being ready to slaughter, man.

So, yeah, I owe quite a bit to the madhouse.

As many lives have been saved, I know, in my world, just because of this crazy madhouse thing we've had going on here for, you know, half a decade plus.

well UK Godfather is checking in

he can't talk tonight on the show like he did

last week but he's going to be sending in some

requests or pranks he says that's good

I got a lot of feedback not to

have that 12 year old kid from last week

again and I don't know

he was alright he was excited

he got a 15 minute

he was excited he got more than 15

I was going to give him 15 minutes he ended up getting the whole show

I just thought it was funny because it was

annoying people and he's a good kid

he's funny he was just excited about the show

Yo, you give him a break.

He's got the kid a break.

Hey, come on, man.

He's a young'un, man.

He's an up-and-coming future of this whole genre we got going on here.

So don't blast him because one of these days he may be taking over the reins and having his own show.

Right.

There you go.

All right.

I love Big Dawg.

Can you suck me today?

Sends a prank call request.

A request to prank, so to say, for taxi sex.

And says, love sex.

and sends a number i don't know if this is uk godfather uk godfather this is you identify

yourself don't be weird man someone else said i love mouse sex that's the username number for

davy ask about hospital prices to stay there is that a hospital okay chelsea demands that brad

fix it or he's fired wow take it easy take it easy no yeah he is you're brad fix it or you're

fired all right help out here do something for the team let me do a prank call for the team here

here because we're bullshitting here all right here's a number for taxi sex i have no idea what

this will do let's do it yes hello is this on taxi hello yeah i don't know taxi sex when you

send me the person's name is taxi sex i don't know what to do they got a answer an answer

yes why did you hang up because i didn't ask for a taxi no did you call are you reporting a taxi

do you have a taxi there quarter to four in the morning i understand well this is your quarter

This is your 3.45 a.m. wake-up call, man.

Maybe this is a better time to do UK wake-up calls, you think?

What's more shocking?

No, what's more disruptive, to get woken up at 3.45 or 5?

I think 3.45.

I'm starting with time.

I don't know what it is about you that you have the wrong number.

No, I was trying to confirm that with you.

Do I have the wrong number or the right number?

You rung for the third time at 3.45 a.m.

Has it been three times?

I didn't order a taxi.

Could you possibly put two and two together?

Uh, two and two is five.

Could you possibly put two and two together?

Your number is not two and two, actually.

Don't you know your own phone number?

Yes, yes, two and two together is four, which is the number of times I've called you.

Right?

Did I get that one right?

I'm up there.

That's funny.

Go away.

Could you please go away?

I'm catching a bum right now, and I'm taking you to the ball.

Two and two together.

that's a candidate for the uh title of the show that was nice and silly i like that cool

good god anyway so uh keep those requests coming in guys we'll be doing these uh throughout the

night i've talked about this in the past milk banner have you ever here's yo yeah that reminds

me dude i freaked out over the weekend i was reading a article you know when you go out to

a restaurant and they uh you get like i always get diet coke or i get water uh these days mostly

mostly water uh but yeah but you know oh you i didn't tell you 40 days for lent just ended last

week right i did no soda and uh me and athena did no soda for lent and we had our first soda on um

saturday night or sunday night rather um easter night it was our first day of being able to

and i was i was like oh you know what i mean like why did i even bother getting this again

I got a headache really fast

I got off of drinking it

I haven't had any more since then

I had some Sprite Zero today

I guess

I don't know

but listen

I thought it was the aspartame

but listen

they cut up those limes and lemons

to put in your water

at the restaurants

they've done studies

and they're finding more and more instances

instances of, um, of, uh, herpes and female, um, like, uh, whatever, whatever, what does a woman

get? HPV, HPV virus. They're finding more and more instances of HPV virus in drinks. And it's

coming from the lemons. It's coming from women who go to the bathroom and don't wash their hands

properly, or they touch the, the doorknob leaving or the, the fixtures in the bathroom. And then

they go and start cutting limes and lemons. Uh, we're not hopping the line. Maybe, maybe that

that too maybe they're humping yeah they call they don't call lemon juice for nothing yeah maybe but

they're fine so i freaked out about it so i went out and i've used this product before but i went

on amazon and i bought i bought more of these i bought the packets of true lime and true lemon

man these packets of uh they're 100 percent uh lemon 100 percent lime zero calories zero sugars

unsweetened it's the ingredients are like lemon and citric acid and they add a little bit of

of evaporated cane juice to like a bulk so it has a little bit of bulk to it you know um but

one packet equals equals a large lemon wedge i've used these before in the past

all right so you got i got the lemon and then i prefer the lime that's my favorite out of the two

lemon lime and i got that instead also so i got that i'm going to keep these i'm going to take

this to work and whenever i go to a restaurant this is what i'm going to have on me is these

packets i'm going to say i don't want any lemon or no lime just give me my water and that's it

and then I'll put my own packet in

and you can use this in coffee

and then I found out

they've got another one

now they've got true orange

they actually have orange flavored

unsweetened, zero calories

zero sugars, 100% natural

orange powder packets

so I'm really excited

about putting this in my iced tea

tomorrow at work

I got this delivered today

got 32 packets of it

I'm excited about it

No, just drop it into your drink, man, and mix it a little with the straw.

Yeah, it's almost like a Splenda packet, but it's full with, like, lemon powder.

Like, natural.

Well, it's like they took lemon and they freeze-dried it.

I don't know what they did, Milkman.

They just freeze-dried, you know, lemon essence.

They got all the water.

They made a powder out of it, and you drop it in.

that's really cool

so let me get it right

did you throw it away

or the package

you throw in

the liquid

no man

you open it

like a sugar packet

and you drop the shit in

okay

the package

becomes

a refuge

yeah

it's not a shrinky dink

god

man

if I didn't know

dude I've never heard

this shit

I'm trying to get a picture

of what's going on

oh god

look

they cold press

and crystallize

oranges

lemons and limes

to lock in the flavor

and then they put in

in the packets that's what it says so that's what it is it's really cool they also have no nothing

dude i'm telling you look the ingredients are like for the orange one i'll tell you um citric

acid orange orange oil orange juice uh absorbic acid which is vitamin c that's to keep it from

getting rancid and um evaporated cane juice as a bulking agent that's it there you go it sounds

like a sweetener sometimes sugar cane no it's not sweetened at all dude it's just a bulking agent

i don't know what i don't know i don't know anything about evaporator i'll tell you it's

at least it's natural dude at least it's not fucking splenda you know all right yeah so there

you go oh and then another thing milkman i did some research we take one of them and dump it

down in like a sierra mist or dump it down yeah well i put the orange one in my in my sprite zero

oh man it was great oh dude it was like an orangey sprite oh dude you gotta try it yeah i'm telling

yeah anyway so then here's uh speaking of sugar-free drinks milkman you might be excited

about this i i'm a big fan of crystal light um i was doing i was doing the research like audi guy

told me to do and i found out that in mexico they have tons of different flavors all the

tropical flavors you know like guanabana and guava and tamarind yeah and uh citrus punch

and tropical fruit and and horchata you know what horchata is everybody had horchata that's a

the next second thing yeah rice milk with cinnamon yeah and uh lime crystalline all this shit so i

went i was like fuck so i went on ebay and there's a guy who sells it for 40 packages of it for 20

dollars and it's on the way it's supposed to arrive i'm tracking the package it should be

here tomorrow so i'm excited about that i'm gonna have that what huh you broke up there i don't know

what he said sounds good sounds like you're approving the link later man yeah that sounds

on the internet but you know i like the light too yeah man all right well let's continue on

yeah let me check this uh all right it seems like uh shoutcast is holding so far i'm gonna

keep an eye on it uk ted's calling in let's put uk ted on whatever uk ted how are you uk ted uk

ted you cocksucker hello hello monkey what's going on what took you so long what do you mean

what took me so long

well I was saying

UK Ted

and you sat there

you didn't say anything

oh right

sorry I didn't realize

oh okay

sorry big guy

how you doing

you got good internet today

you don't have shit internet

enjoying the beverage

okay

yeah sounds like

it is still a bit shit

you gotta open up

those ports

you work for the hotel

go in there and open

go to the router

and open up the ports

what's wrong with you

I don't want to be honest

yes hello

I was wondering

about the prices

for the hospital

I am an American

I need to use

the hospital please

you mean by what

you're saying

Yes, what are the prices to stay there?

I'd like to make a reservation, please, for two nights.

This is the hospital, yes.

I'd need to make a reservation for one of the hospital rooms for two nights.

Well, no, I need a place to stay, so I figured I'd be...

Well, what if I'm sick?

What if I'm sick?

Don't you give me a room?

No, you'll have to go through A&E and prove that you're sick.

Oh, yeah, what's A&E?

What's that?

Accident and emergency.

Oh, that's it.

Yeah, I'm going to just...

What if I have an emergency, then you guys give me a room, right?

No, it's not that easy.

Let me put you through.

Just a moment.

Shit.

I'm pretty sure prank calling emergency services is frowned upon.

It's not an emergency, it's a hospital.

UK Ted, do the reading.

No, you're calling accident and emergency right now.

No, he's not.

I don't even know what A&E is.

It's a fucking TV channel.

Yeah, that's like prank calling 911.

Well...

It's the emergency inpatients.

Hello?

Yes, I need to make a reservation, please.

I'm sorry?

I need to make a reservation.

We don't make reservations here.

Well, this is the hotel.

I'm the hospital, rather, right?

Well, it's a hospital, yeah.

Well, we don't make reservations at the hospital.

Well, I'm sick.

I need a room.

You're at that.

Well, then you just need to come along and book in.

Yeah, well, if I'm...

You have rooms there, beds and bathrooms, toilets and things?

It's not a hotel, it's a hospital.

I know, that's what I'm saying, but I need a place to stay so I don't feel good

and I want to go down there and you guys give me a room for two nights.

Oh, right.

Like that, is it?

What?

Are you laughing at me?

I think you should be bringing the holiday in, actually, not the Bristol Royal Infirmary.

Cobblers.

Listen, please, I'm sick.

I need to make a reservation to come in, okay?

Have you seen a guy stealing from me?

Excuse me.

What?

What? Well, hello, sir.

Okay, I don't know why UK Ted says, I'm going to hang up on UK Ted.

Pissed me off.

Talking in the middle of a prank.

What do you think he is, Milkman?

Sure, enjoy that.

Yeah, hospital my foot.

Listen, I really need to make some reservations here, okay?

You can't do that.

You can't make a reservation with us.

It's not possible.

I'm trying to, if I'm sick.

All I can do is A&E will decide whether you're placed

on a ward

or whether you can be treated and sent home.

Oh, will the phone, they're going to do that?

Pardon?

Oh, will the phone, they're going to do that?

No, A&E will do that.

A&E doctor will make that assessment.

Well, what kind of,

what would be something that would have to stay for?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll give you an examination.

You have to tell them what's wrong with you,

why you're sick.

I have cancer.

Well, you'll have to talk to them.

I'm not medically qualified.

All I can do is put you back through, I'm afraid.

Well, what did you put me through to?

A&E?

A&E, yes.

And what is that exactly?

Is it like an emergency thing?

Accident and emergency.

So what is it, like 9-1-1?

Pardon?

Is it like 9-1-1 in the United States?

Yes, yes.

Then why would you just put me through to them like that?

I did.

Well, obviously, you stupid asshole.

I'm obviously joking around, and you put me through to tie up the lines like that?

I did put you through.

if you didn't get picked up

the other day because they're very busy.

Well, they did pick me up.

They picked up and the lady was laughing

at me, but now you're telling me you put me through an emergency

line. That's tying up emergency resources.

What's your problem? What kind of

switchboard are you? I haven't got a

problem. I personally

can't help you to A&E.

They're the only people that can help

you. Listen, you're the first step there

to make the decision. You don't put me through to A&E.

I'm talking a bunch

of cobblers here why would you put me through why should i or what why didn't i why would you

because i can't help you solve the problem that you are explaining to me i don't have the authority

or the means to do it a and e do all right can you i don't can you put me through to one of the

doctors listen i'm talking god damn it and you put me through to one of the doctors there

Everyone in the chat was saying

Don't prank A&E

I don't understand

What is A&E

Is that really like 9-1-1

Because they sure have a nice sense of humor there

It sounds nothing like 9-1-1 here

Because 9-1-1 here you call

And they're like they're really mean to you

From the beginning

Like please fire medical

Like please

They don't laugh

They get real upset real fast

They'll send a cop to you if you make a joke

and then

the lady over there

was joking

the lady over there

was like

we can't make

reservations

I made her laugh

what kind of

they sure don't

take things seriously

there in the UK

Nunu says

stop this shit

UK Ted says

fucking hell

alright sorry

Nunu says

we pay for this

with taxes

yeah our taxes

you stole from us

alright well

how about

I'm just gonna

end the show

if you guys

don't want me to

do the prank calls

that I do

then maybe I should

just end the show

and not do it anymore

what the hell

with you

Yeah.

All right.

I'll just do calls anyway.

Get out of here, Milkman.

All right, Milkman.

I think we're done with the show.

You all have a great night.

If you guys don't want to appreciate me, then I'm out of here.

I appreciate you, Winers.

See you.

Bye.

Click.

Anyway, let's see what else we got.

Baby Winers?

God, take it easy.

It's obviously not that big of a deal.

The lady's freaking laughing at me.

Let's call Milkman.

Come on, man.

We lighten their evening.

Let's call 911 here and see how they're out.

Just to compare.

We'll probably call 911.

So, you guys, no, I'm not going to do that.

No.

911, what's the nature of your emergency?

We got a number for V-Cars Bath, different office to normal Bristol office.

What?

How's that related to an emergency, sir?

All right, you kick off for the, you need to check your typing skills.

All right, the name is V-Cars Bath.

Oh, V-Cars.

Different office to the normal Bristol office,

or could you link into the call the Bristol office and they chat to each other?

anyway so we got taxis milkman you're a big taxi fan you like riding on taxis all day sometimes

i hear there we go taxi machine hey dirty aaron hey buddy what's up there buddy i'm working on

my new uh thing what is this thing called new laptop oh good how's it sound sounds okay to me

all right not too loud or anything a little bit loud yeah you might want to bring the mic down

i don't know what the fuck to do god damn it i don't know it sounds like talks are close to

the microphone or adjust your mic gain yeah it sounds like a big car later hey

tristan city wherever you are how are you what's going on not much i'm going good what's what's

happening dude do you have andy in australia also or do you have you have triple zero over there

right yeah we got we got triple zero uh yeah no i wouldn't prank call that but that's cool

whatever it was funny yeah i thought i thought it was 999 now then it was 80 but then what's 999

whatever i don't know uk's backwards stupid you know where i'm coming from all right we're calling

uh taxis you drunk hello because yes hi i'd like to have a taxi please yeah where from from the

bathroom sorry the bathroom the bathroom yes you're on the boat it sounds like you're in the

bathroom it sounds like you're in the bathroom in the toilet you're in the bath no you sound

like you're in the bathroom are you talking funny oh well no there's an echo that sounds

or are you making a toilet?

Well, how would I do the toilet in a taxi office?

Well, yeah, you just support this phone.

Do you want a taxi, dude?

Uh, yeah.

From where here?

Let me see.

Oh, forget it.

No, no, please, come on.

That was funny.

Do that again.

Do it again.

Last one was better.

How's the microphone now?

I think she was doing a shit in the toilet.

I think so.

I keep getting calls.

Can you guys hear me now?

Yeah, we hear you.

Yeah, it's not too loud.

It's better.

No, it's better.

It's better.

I adjusted it.

Good.

I just got a new laptop Windows 7 machine.

i5

you see that milkman

i5

i got an i3

yeah

jesus christ

why wouldn't you go

the i7 man

you have an i3

you have a piece of shit

i3

and uh

it's got 64 bit

7 on it

yeah

you need an i5 at least

i don't know

my friend

he's an amateur

pawnbroker

so i just get

whatever is on the

shelf

oh cool

hey milkman

you were asking me

last week

that uh

computer that i was

looking at building

it's an i3

that's why it's only

only, like, $400 to build.

So, yeah.

Well, I mean, if you're going to stick a processor in a box, dude,

your sweet spot's i5.

You get the most of your money off the i5.

Nah, there's some pretty good deals on i7s right now, man, you know?

Yeah, true, but I'm just saying, you know, if you look at your price,

you'll find most often, not necessarily always,

but most often that the i5, you get the most processing power for your money.

Okay, sounds good.

All right, we got Lonesome Loser in the house.

that's good golden corral coming in

golden corral

the kind of place that I'd like to go to

sometimes do things

got any kids who me

do I have kids no not kids

calling in oh no

no UK Ted

UK Ted's I think trying to call

in but yeah put Teddo on

but I think that it's a bad

idea to have 12 year olds on the line I don't

know why I listened to the last podcast

it was like fucking Bonnie

everyone's

I got nothing but feedback today

for that fucking kid

don't have him back on

I feel like I should apologize to him actually

I was very rude to him in the last show

he seemed like a nice chap

ok there you go

you guys gotta remember

you may be speaking to the future

of Frank Hall

that's exactly what I said in the forum

he said he's the future

him and IG Richie

or whatever his name is today

Jenny Cricks is called Cuba

if you find a working phone in Cuba

I would be happy to call it

yeah I'm sorry I dropped earlier by the way

I was sat there talking to you and looking on the

video camera looking at some

guy breaking into my bar and stealing stuff

what? so I had to run

oh man what did he steal a beer?

yeah just like snacks and stuff from the actual

bar itself oh shit

is he a resident there? is he staying there?

what happened? yeah well that's the thing

if he wasn't then I'd get to do all the whole

righteous indignation angry British guy

I act, but unfortunately he was a resident

so I was all friendly to him and just told him

I'd add it to his bill. Wow.

What a dick, though. That's funny, though.

I'll just add it to your bill. Okay, Golden

Corral. Here we go.

Golden Corral. Is this in the UK?

No. I don't think they eat like that in the UK.

Thank God. Yeah, God.

Annie. Hey.

Okay, Annie.

Yes, hi. I had a question.

How many

cans do you have there that you

use for all the food? Like, what percentage

comes out of cans sorry what what percentage of your food comes out of cans to manage and find

out do the cans the cans have potassium the cans have potassium in them what are they lined with

gta plastic uh yeah fucking cans bad prank already thinking about cheating on my diet

tonight making a cheese sandwich no dairy what no dairy no just um been on a diet diet

i've only been bad i've only been having like 800 to 1000 calories a day for the last two weeks

It's been good.

It's been working out.

It's going to be not big Carlito anymore.

Nope.

Small Carlito.

I'm just trying to get back to big Carlito.

I'm bigger Carlito lately.

I'm like Milkman size lately.

You don't make too much fun, dude.

I lost 100 pounds this last year.

Hi, it's John.

Yeah, hi, John.

Listen, I lost 100 pounds this year.

Did.

Listen, how much potassium is in those canned foods that you have there?

Sorry, what's that?

How many canned foods do you have there?

Because they have a lot of potassium.

potassium they were they just had a tv on cbs station they just put down the golden corrals

in the area used too many cans and the cans had a lot of dht in them and potassium well they showed

your place from the outside oh yeah the cbs station yeah no no no they said it was the golden

corral yep they said they said golden corral california and they showed a picture and they

They said that they have DHT, that it could cause your hair to fall out.

It can make you tired.

It can make you feel full, they said, the food.

Yeah.

So how do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

I died.

Okay.

So do you have one of those cans there?

What am I talking about?

Well, the cans of food.

You have the cans of food.

The cans that the chicken comes in.

So what about what else comes in cans?

The scratch.

All right.

Well, can you get one of those cans, and we'll read together what it has in it?

Or whatever vegetables you have there.

Lettuce.

Get the lettuce.

Canned lettuce.

Oh, that sounds like shit, doesn't it?

It's a sauerkraut.

I was at a grocery store once, and they had canned rice and beans.

I was like, whoa.

Boy, that sounds like shit.

Goya brand canned rice and beans.

I was like, wow, that's sad.

The good people at Goya, they will can fucking anything.

They'll can and freeze anything.

Oh, God.

This should be called, like, prank cost and food cost.

A lot of times it is, man.

I think most times it is.

It makes me hungry.

Oh, I took your advice, Collie, too, and checked out the documentary you recommended, Good Hair.

It was absolutely amazing.

Yeah, wasn't it really cool?

Like, yeah.

I was really impressed, actually.

Yeah, Chris Rock did a good job with that.

Yeah.

I know Morgan Spurlock has a new one.

I think it comes out this week about Comic-Con.

Right.

I heard good things about it.

He's not in it.

He's just directing it for a change.

I like his stuff.

I like that show, 30 Days.

30 Days is a great show.

All three seasons of it have been good.

Hello?

Yes?

Green beans are Del Monte.

You've got green beans.

Same thing you'd buy at the store.

All right, so what's in them?

Ingredients, green beans, water, salt.

That's it.

Green beans, water, and salt.

Oh, you see the salt.

Why is there salt in it, though?

Oh, I don't know.

You get it at the grocery store.

Yeah, they put salt in it as sodium, and that makes you thirsty.

And you keep eating more beans because you're thirsty.

Yeah, that's how they get you.

Uh-huh.

So why do you allow that to happen?

Why do you allow that to happen?

I've been wanting you to buy the green beans that are fresh from the store, not green beans.

You're right.

Well, let's put in a change.

Where's the change request form?

It comes from corporate.

Well, go ahead and get me a copy.

Let's get a copy and fill it out together.

I don't have a copy of that.

Well, do you have any papers there that you can fill out requesting a change?

No, you're more than welcome to call corporate.

Corporate Golden Corral, they're the ones that determine what kind of stuff we use.

Are you in the office or where are you at right now, on the floor?

No.

What do you mean you're in a store?

Yeah, but you have an office room there, right?

Yeah, I'm not asking for corporate.

I just want your office.

Can you put the call in your little office there

and let's work on some paperwork together?

Listen, I'm coming down.

What time do you close?

All right, so I want to see a copy of all your papers there.

Well, you had the insurance papers there for the building.

I need to see it because I was eating there,

and now obviously you're putting sodium in the food without our permission.

Everyone does.

When you say, when it says on the menu green beans, it doesn't say green beans and salt.

Wait a minute, read those ingredients to me again.

Green beans, water, salt.

All right, so it's not just green beans then?

You're adding extra stuff without telling me what it is.

No, come on, listen, this is called a spade a spade.

You're saying green beans is on the menu.

And then you're reading other things to me, so it's not just green beans.

What's the salt you're putting in?

Thank you, sir.

I'm coming, what was your name?

Don't go.

My name's John Sanchez, sir.

All right, Mr. Sanchez.

I'm coming down there I'm going to see

I want to see your papers I'll be there in about 30 minutes

I want to see your insurance papers

I want to see the licenses right now

I'm coming

yeah I've heard of it I don't really watch

commercials

when that first came out

didn't someone want me to talk about putting my dick in that

Who was it?

Was that you, Dirty Aaron?

Was one of you guys, someone out there.

Put your dick in what?

In the chocolate fountain at Golden Crow.

That sounds like a Dirty Aaron thing to say.

Yeah, so I thought that was you.

Maybe Ken.

No, that was Ken.

I think it was Ken.

Ken, confirm.

Is it just me, or are you maxing out the microphone there, Carlito?

Maxing?

Cracking.

It's cracking on my end.

Is it?

Let me see.

Maybe.

Because in the podcast and today, it sounds like it was a little cracky.

At the high end, anyway.

Sounds good to me.

I don't know.

I'm all nervous with my new machine.

I'm drunk.

You guys are good.

We're used to communicating via rusty tin cans as well.

Yes, that's right.

How do I sound?

You sound good.

You sound the best out of all of us, including Milton.

I've got a $1,000 microphone.

Holy balls.

That's Australian dollars, though, isn't it?

That's like, what, 50 cents?

No, it's more than US dollars now, actually.

Oh, wow. Inflation.

Unless you use PayPal, fuckers.

I got you there.

All right, so Alfredo's Pizza and Pasta.

Someone's calling in named Fuck Andy.

Fuck Andy.

Hey.

How you doing?

Big Ken, how's it going?

I know, Big Ken.

That was you with the fondue, digging the fondue thing, right?

Wasn't it?

Yeah, well, when the commercial came out, it said originally that you could put anything in it.

I was like, well, we ought to take them up on that.

Yeah.

I'll put my boogers in it.

Tell her something like your wife's addicted to chocolate or some shit

and you want to put your dick in there to help her out.

Well, UK Godfather says he submitted a prank that he thinks is good.

Oh, did he?

Okay.

I'm trying to call the hotel.

Let's see.

I'll get to that in due time.

Got every...

Good evening.

Thank you for calling.

This is Crystal.

Where may I direct your call?

Yes, hi.

Can I have room 110, please?

Can I get the guest name, please?

I don't know the guest name.

I'm with a taxi company.

I'm supposed to pick them up.

Okay.

You said room 110?

Yes.

Isn't anybody in 110?

Perhaps it's 210, then?

Maybe 1110?

Yes, 1110.

That's correct.

I'm sorry.

Okay, hold one moment.

Groovy fucking music.

Yeah, digging that.

Why aren't the front desk and prank called enough they don't realize it?

Yes, hello.

This is 1110.

Room 1110?

It is.

Good.

Now, I understand you're making a lot of noise over there, and you flushed the toilets

too many times tonight.

What's the deal?

I've been fast asleep, so I think you've got the wrong room.

No, this is 1110.

We have you down with five toilet flushes.

With what?

Five toilet flushes?

I've been literally fast asleep.

You got the wrong...

But you've used the bathroom, correct?

I use the bathroom once at most.

Is this someone from the hotel?

Yes, I'm calling from the front desk.

I understand you flushed about five...

The computer here shows you've flushed the toilet several times tonight

and that you've left the hot water running for a while also.

I just want to make...

Is it on now?

Huh?

Because I literally have been fast asleep since about quite a while ago.

doubt i've been sleeping for the last few hours so um no you're to tell you you're dead absolutely

wrong okay either there's something wrong with your system you've got the wrong room number this

is room one one one zero yeah that's right i just want to make sure that there's no trouble here sir

um you know when you wake up in the morning i think honestly they must have the you must have

the wrong number were you planning on brushing your teeth and using the shower in the morning

Am I?

Yes.

Okay, because we might have to put an extra deposit here on your stay if that's the case.

You're using so much water.

You wouldn't be planning on leaving the sink running while you're brushing your teeth, would you?

You're being serious.

Yes, I am.

You've used a lot of water here so far.

There must be a leak or something because literally the only time I've used the water is I got back to my room, I showered, and I got into the bed.

Okay.

Are you planning on staying more days than just tonight?

Or is this the end of your stay?

No, I have a stay for the week.

That's what I had you down for.

Are you trying to get rid of me by annoying me?

I don't get it.

Well, the important thing is, please, sir, don't run the sink with it while you're brushing your teeth.

Turn it off.

And also, when you're washing your hair and what you do, you turn the water on to soak yourself.

And then you soap yourself with the towel and you wash your hair with the water off.

And then you turn on the water just to rinse yourself

And then also any of the linens on the bed

That you're going to reuse

Don't just leave them on the floor

And your towels

Don't just leave them on the floor

Because we don't need to be wasting water

On washing stuff over and over and over again

Is this for management?

This is from the front desk

And the computer here

I'm looking at the water table right now

I have your name

This is Cross

How do you spell it?

C-R-O-S-S

What do you need that for anyway?

What's going on?

Yeah, well, what's...

Why?

Are you trying to intimidate me or something?

I'm a little taken back.

I'm a little taken back by calling me, you're waking me.

I haven't flushed the toilet a single time.

You used the toilet, but you haven't flushed it yet.

I haven't what?

You've used the toilet, and you haven't flushed it.

I don't think I even have.

I was thinking back.

I don't believe I've even used it since I came in.

If there's urine in that, you need to flush that, too, because that stains the inside.

It makes it yellow.

I've never had a call like this.

I feel like something's going on here, but any of that.

I'm just really concerned with your use of the water and this pattern that we're seeing

and you're wanting to stay with us for the entire week.

And we're already seeing trouble here from you, sir.

I mean, you understand where I'm coming from.

I mean, you're not making yourself look good with your water use.

I think you're wrong.

You must be having an issue with your computer system because you're wrong.

I mean, we are a green hotel, and we strive to use the minimal amount of resources.

sources if are you willing to show me your computer system if i come down because i think

it's wrong normally we don't do i mean normally we don't i mean i'd be willing to make an exception

um if that will get you to stop using so much water is that something that you think is necessary

and or i just don't haven't used any water um i'm telling you i'm also telling you that hang on

there's a new report coming in yeah it's showing here yeah you've used way you've used about 75

percent more water than the average guest did you want to come down i'm sorry i hit the wrong

sound effect fuck man i hit the wrong one no i just i hit the wrong one i meant to hit the dot

matrix again and i hit the fucking wrong the fucking music shit he sounded confused as hell

He wasn't quite sure what was going on

At that point

I hit the wrong one

God damn

I'm glad you hit that one that was funny

It was good yeah

He was getting ready to go down there

Should have brought the three seashells to him

Tell him he's using too much toilet paper

He's using seashells

Nunu said

Complain about air use and too much fart gas

Wow

I have to admit though I do feel sorry for these

these poor hotel night managers whose jobs you're putting in jeopardy.

All right.

These are your brethren, and we're here for them.

This really hits home with Ted.

Yeah.

For now, anyway, I've got a new job now.

How cool is that?

Oh, yeah?

You're not doing the same thing again?

What do you do now?

Well, no, I don't know if I told you.

I've told a load of people, but I passed my officer selection,

so I'm going to join up in a few months.

What?

Ooh.

Yeah, I'm going to be lieutenant UK Ted soon.

hit the breaking news sound right now oh do i have a breaking news sound here it's not really

news he's a spy no seriously that's crazy so you're you're gonna fly helicopters what are

you gonna do no i'd love to fly helicopters but my my eyesight's not quite good enough for air

core oh i hear that i want to go um artillery actually oh wow holy shit man i didn't know you

had that in you that's crazy i can't wait i can't wait to be an officer so we're gonna we're gonna

to lose you, you know? They'll never hear from you again.

You're going to die in the wars.

Well, I'm looking forward to the day when I can

call into Madhouse from Afghanistan.

That would be amazing. Yeah, but when you're in Afghanistan,

you'll probably get shot and killed and stuff, you know?

You'll die and your family will be all sad because

you died. Well, let's have a bet.

Let's see who dies first. Me from

Taliban or you from diabetes, eh?

Wow, thank you.

Asshole.

Thanks a lot. Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay. It's true.

Alright, let's see what else we get.

I don't know what else we got going on here.

Mexico Cafe.

Oh, boy.

Sounds good.

Abrahuchi South and North Indian Cuisine.

That's funny.

After the big deal I made last week about are you South or North Indian.

Let's call some Indians.

Why not?

That's all we ever do on this fucking show.

Whatever happened to the Steam Shark?

Remember them?

And the Pocket Mop.

Pocket Mop.

They were blocking Skype.

Yeah, those guys with the awnings, too.

You're going to attach them to your trailer and drive them off a cliff, make them fly and shit.

Just make it fly.

Yeah.

That was me in Laugh Track, Matt.

Let's try the awnings.

Thank you for calling Sunsetter Products.

Please listen to the following two options so we may assist you as quickly as possible.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.

Are we going to fly a motorhome off the cliff?

If you have questions prior to ordering, please press 1.

Probably close.

I think they close early.

May I have your last name, please?

Hi, Tim.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

Hi, I had some questions about the Sunsetter awnings for the RV.

Did you find this before?

No, no, I had a question about the RV.

Uh, an RV?

I just wanted to share...

Or awnings?

Shut up.

I just wanted to share this with you.

I think every woman should drive an RV.

Do you know why?

Why?

So that they always have their kitchen around with them.

The kitchen is disconnecting.

Oh, he has no sense of humor, asshole.

That's true, though.

They probably have a meeting about Carlito already.

He probably, like, oh, it's this guy.

It's like, wait a minute, awnings for the RV?

You fucking called here before.

You had this fucking idea before.

God, you terrorized him that one late night.

What's that, UK Ted?

You like that one, UK Ted?

Thank you.

I do.

That was brilliant.

Well done.

Thank you.

Nunu won't stop talking about fall.

Fall in the chat.

Fall.

Who's fall?

Fall.

I know fall.

Fall has...

Wow, I was thinking about fall.

Is there a fall in the chat room?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, I haven't seen Fall in a long time.

That's good.

I was thinking about Fall.

I was thinking about one time Fall and the dead were calling in the Zolar show.

And they left a voicemail.

And it was really funny.

I think that was like two days ago I was thinking about that.

I was like, man, Fall just disappeared.

Here's Fall.

Hi, Fall.

It's good to see you.

You've been gone for a long time.

Big Fall.

Hey, big girl.

How are you doing?

It's time to order food, okay?

Stop joking around.

Yes, who is this?

Yes, I'd like to make an order of food.

Please stop messing around and joking.

No, yes, sir. Go ahead, please.

Okay, I'd like to make an order for chicken tikka masala.

Uh-huh.

Okay, one for bhenchod.

One?

Bhenchod.

I didn't understand what it is.

You know what bhenchod is?

Gandu?

Hello?

Yes, gandu bhenchod.

Tung kono.

What?

Huh?

Gandu.

I don't know what he said there.

He's on the Vietnamese.

He didn't even give us a chance.

I know.

Thanks for jumping in there and saying gandu.

Oh, Baz, you're sending Guam numbers

I don't see them

I want to recommend a podcast for you, Carlito

I think you'll like it

What's that? Hang on, let me hang this shit up

Alright, what's that? Podcast

Do you know, have you heard of Salad Fingers?

Yes, I love Salad Fingers

That is some disgusting shit, Ted

Yeah, well, the guy who made it

is a guy called David Firth

and he made a podcast called Waller FM

and it's absolutely fucking hilarious

Probably the funniest

After Madhouse, of course

It's probably the funniest podcast I've ever heard.

Okay.

I highly recommend them.

I'll add that to my Google Reader.

Thank you, sir.

I appreciate it.

It's the Fat Pie podcast called Waller FM.

I'll Facebook it to you.

It's really, really, really funny.

Okay.

There's a few prank calls in it as well, which is good.

All right.

Yeah, Salad Fingers is pretty, wow.

It's good stuff.

If I explain it, though, it doesn't sound that funny, but it's just absolutely incredible.

I love it.

it's like a um it's a parody of a north yorkshire local radio station but it's just absolutely

incredible okay all right sounds good yeah i recommend that to everyone anyway everyone

listening check it out it's brilliant i'll check it out and i'm glad you like the hair thing isn't

that crazy where they're cutting hair in a in a fucking tank of water and all that shit i can't

believe it yeah the fact that in that whole industry the favorite to win was the skinny

skinny white guy the skinny effeminate white guy yeah and then like they they expose like the

chinese have bought all those uh uh products now like it's all chinese run yeah there's no black

people that sell black hair products like four or five guys and they're trying to start like a

black black owned business union thing yeah it's kind of sad as well though crazy yeah i had no

idea it went that deep like black women's hair like they have to do this stuff where they

they're putting these nasty chemicals in their hair

that would fucking, wow,

just straighten it out.

But of all the people that they interviewed, that woman with

the natural curly hair,

she was hot. Yeah, she was. I don't mind

that natural curly hair look on a black girl.

That's kind of cute looking. I don't know.

I prefer the nappy-headed hoes.

Well, I was going to put it like that.

Oh, jeez, man.

Alright, Star of India, because Nunu has an idea,

and he told me this during the week. I thought it was funny.

For Indians, order two chicken

tikka masala. Explain what

chicken is and what tikka is and what masala is and what rice is also explain what two is and how

it is one and then another one as well okay it's just to act very you know i found a delicious uh

indian uh buffet tandoori chicken fucking good yes hi i'd like to make an order okay go ahead

i'd like two chicken tikka masala very spicy uh 10 yes and then two two pilau rice

yeah sure all right the chicken you have chicken tikka masala right the chicken is it's the you

know there's a bird it doesn't fly and uh you know it's on the ground it's in the farm you know

the chicken it's like a bird it doesn't fly it has feathers okay so that's what i want in the

food i don't know if you know understand what i mean by chicken do you know what you know how that

it is do you know what a chicken is and the chicken they they catch the chicken oh you left

already oh man i put a link to that podcast in the chat and such yes do you have chicken tikka

masala okay uh do you marinate the chicken and spices and yogurt okay in a like in a clay oven

a tandoor yes okay and then tikka means bits and pieces like like the uh tikka means like small

all bits and pieces so uh it's like i need small pieces of boneless chicken baked using skewers

he's not too friendly though we'll try a different one i'll tell him their whole job

when you run out of um indian restaurants to start calling the nepalese they use the same

insults ah nepalese they use the same insults yeah i guess that makes sense yep yep yep this

big indian too yeah just be careful you don't get a burka because i'll fucking kill you the

What the fuck is a Gurkha?

Gurkha.

They got their big ass sharp fucking knives, dude.

That's the one.

Yeah, what?

Curve knife, man.

Deadliest fucking knives in the world.

Curve knives.

Gurkha.

Curve knives.

Give me a fucking spork from Taco Bell.

I'll take them.

Real quick article I wanted to read that was really cool.

um i don't know if you guys remember the iranians um had the uh virus stuck stuxnet virus that was

going around their nuclear program uh ars technica posted an article today the stuxnet computer worm

used to sabotage the iran's nuclear program was planted by a double agent working for israel

the agent was a boot used a booby trap memory stick to inflict machines deep inside the nuclear

facilities in the tans according to a report published it's some crazy shit uh once the

memory stick was infected it was able to infiltrate the network when a user did nothing more than

click on an icon in windows uh what else here uh covert operations from israel and the u.s wanted

to use a saboteur on the ground to spread the infection to ensure the worm burrowed into the

most vulnerable machines in the system and it gets even deeper the double agent was a member

Member of Iranian dissident group

probably from the Mujahideen.

The group is believed to be behind the assassination

of key Iranian nuclear

scientists. In October,

a huge blast destroyed an

underground site near the town of

Karam-e-Dababad.

It housed most of their Shabab

3 medium-range missiles

capable of reaching Israel and

Iraq. Yeah, there's some dirty stuff,

man, when it comes to Mossad and

the CIA. They're like planting

viruses and paying off

and all this shit that's why a little bit after that happened after that blast i remember iranians

came out and said we caught a bunch of cia agents and most of them were iranian citizens that's why

they caught they figured out who all the all the um they did their investigation and found out who

all those double agents were they're being paid money by the cia i bet it was the pla no absolutely

yeah and uh well they uh and apparently like and here's a crazy and you know these are like

hackers that are hired by the US

government to create this. Stuxnet

made history as the most advanced, if not the

first real cyber weapon, ultimately

exploited four previously unknown

vulnerabilities in Windows

and masterfully took advantage of weaknesses

buried deep inside Siemens

SIMATIC WinCC

Step 7 software

used to control machinery. Basically

it took control of the machinery and destroyed

the, it sabotaged

the centrifuges that they were using to

enrich the uranium.

uranium that's some pretty cool stuff um according to the same source uh the u.s military used it

used against opponents in the 1980s it planted viruses in the soviet military industrial

structure that could be activated in time of war and a similar process has been going on against

china and is continuing today i'm not at liberty to comment on that okay in late 1991 prior to the

a desert storm operation in Iraq.

CIA and British government

officials implanted bugs into

hardware that was smuggled into Baghdad.

U.S. planes destroyed the

targeted command

and control network where the

infected equipment was before

it was able to spread. That's crazy.

They actually snuck in viruses and

equipment before they...

If you think about it, it's kind of

skullduggery, but I'd rather

fight a war that way than by

killing people. Yeah, I mean, if it saves

some lives, right? Or hastens

up a war. Yeah, you got a point.

Well, on that note, did anyone hear

about the North Korean missile?

Yeah, it failed.

That was pretty lappable.

Failed.

Satellite launch.

Yeah, right? They launched it

just right after it broke up, right after launch,

just about, right?

Yeah, it was

sort of like the Rick Santorum

campaign. Oh, boy, yeah, right?

Well, he, you know,

Mokmed's loving this.

It's Milkman's greatest week ever

He's like yes Santorum's gone

Iran's got viruses

North Korea lost its missile

The only thing better is if that rocket

Would have went straight up and came right back down

On the new leader over there

Hit one of those big monuments of theirs

I just got this image of Milkman in his taxi

With like video screens all over it

All with different explosions on it

And he's just sat there laughing

something out of a Wile E. Coyote

fucking cartoon fucking Acme rocket

went all fucking all over the place

blew a bunch of shit up

they spent so much money on that fucking program

missiles and nuclear shit

that first nuclear test they had they said

they didn't even really work right anyway

have you guys ever seen the articles about like

Kim Jong Il inspecting shit

oh they're hilarious

inspecting shit

no it's just like pictures of him like staring at like pigs

hanging from the ceiling

or he's just like standing around pointing at shit i mean that's all yeah for the past 25 years

yeah yeah you got a point yeah i just went around yeah and it's a fantastic film actually called

kim jong-il yeah i recommend that's right oh that's right yeah and the vice guy to north

korea that's fascinating that's good that i've seen that's really good yeah the vice guy's really

good that was the first vice guy i saw was the north korean one then i saw the one in liberia

Yeah, that one's awesome too, yeah.

It's pretty depressing.

Yeah, I know, right?

That's sad, that damn country.

And those are freed American slaves.

They went there to...

The vice wife stealer, that one's fucked up too.

Which one?

Vice what?

I don't know.

It was in one of those Kazakhstan near countries where they steal your wife.

Like, you kidnap her.

It's wife kidnapping.

Oh, shit.

Like, even if you're dating her and it's your girlfriend,

girlfriend they still just uh you and a bunch of your friends get in a car ride out to wherever

your girlfriend lives and kidnap her until she marries you oh shit that's a way to do it that's

a way to do it that's fucking love right there that's what i did it's kind of hot i might do

that my wife like role playing milkman we'll do that you'll drive the taxi your flavor is talking

to help you yeah it's a lot to make an order for food uh what would you like uh there's this chicken

chicken that I like. Uh, there's the bird, chicken bird. Chicken biryani? No, no. Um,

chicken tikka masala. Chicken masala. That's actually my favorite dish too. Yeah. See the

chicken, it's, it's that one bird that doesn't fly. It has the feathers. You guys pick the

feathers after you kill it. Yes, that chicken. After, after you marinate the spices in the

yogurt. Good. So good. Yeah. And you put it in a clay oven called a tandoor. You know

No, actually, as much as I do.

You cut into little pieces?

I'm Indian cooking.

Did you ever get into Indian cuisine or something?

I lived in India once.

There you go.

Yeah.

Are you Indian?

I am not.

I'm not too educated on it, and I haven't been to India, unfortunately.

Oh, okay.

You sound hot.

Well, thank you very much.

Do you party?

Occasionally.

Yeah?

That's cool.

I'm a good-looking kind of guy.

Are you top or bottom?

Um, you know, I don't have a...

Are you versatile?

You're versatile?

Yeah.

I've got a British friend.

He likes guys, too.

He's over here.

We're in a hotel.

Well, that's good stuff.

As far as the chicken tikka masala goes, do you have a spice, Prince?

Like a 10, like a number 10, a 1 to 10.

You want it like Indian spicy, like really hot?

Yes.

All right.

And how long until you get here?

Oh, you know, maybe like 15 minutes.

All right.

Well, I will see you soon.

Okay, bye.

I don't know what to do with that guy.

He's fucking boring.

Should have told me you want to rub the Indian spice on his ass.

I tried to get gay with him, and he's gay, so what the hell?

gotta rub it on his ass neck

his ass neck

oh yeah we didn't talk about Johnny Brennan

you saw Johnny Brennan

that was crazy in the fucking

forum

I know he came to the forums

I bet you took a big shit in the toilet when you heard that

oh yeah I was like

what was it Saturday

whatever so the pranks got released Friday

and I felt like one of them was good

one of them was okay the rest weren't that good

so I was like I was gonna be a dick

i don't think anyone no one pays attention to those fucking forums so i went in there i made

like an in-depth review like i'm like it's like it's fucking like jay-z's new album and i'm the

fucking source or something it was like the cisco and ebert of uh five frank call reviews i know

i i think i did it yeah well basically it kind of milkman like an arm review i put it in there

then i just went to the facebook and i put a i said here's a review on his facebook and he went

in and he saw it and he was like

you know and I felt bad

because he was like you know all those albums

I did I didn't make any money so basically

Johnny Byrne and Johnny B from the Jerky Boys

actually went into the forums and posted

and he seems like an alright dude and I feel bad

for that shit that I said

yeah but do we really know that's the actual one

until he comes on and actually does his interview

I don't know if he doesn't want to do it

it'd be nice

just trying to use the name

to get in the forums you know

that's him dude that's him no

Didn't you invite him like two years ago for an interview?

You what?

Didn't you invite him to come on the show and do an interview like two years ago?

Oh, a while ago.

He's still got an open invite.

Until he actually comes in and announces his real presence,

we don't know if this is just a mockery or what.

I'm on the side of that's a mockery.

Somebody is a sympathizer, calling me a sympathizer,

and they're just trying to gloss it over.

I think it's legit.

He's real, he's mean, and he's heartfelt.

Since he's come on the show...

It's like you go join somebody's Facebook page and, you know, you think it's a real person,

but it's just, like, their agent or their fucking, you know, secretary that's just posting shit for them.

You think?

I mean, he went pretty in-depth.

He went pretty in-depth in his whole, in his forum post there.

He was like, you know, it sucks.

I got...

Woke it down about his kids and everything else.

Yeah.

And then he got screwed over.

I mean, it's shit that no one would know about, I think.

But, I mean, Milkman's got a point.

milkman's got a point about the uh you know if he wants to jump in and you know make a you know

unite the clans uh he needs to he needs to call that ability and validity

on a famous person like that everybody adores the guy you know what i mean he'd be totally welcome

of course we have a free opportunity to address many of his fans you know many people that would

It would be, I'm his fan, you know what I mean?

It's an open invitation, in my opinion.

Don't you think, Armando?

I think so.

I think that's fair enough.

He seems to be coming around, but he's just a little nervous, I guess, about the whole thing.

I don't know.

He's been screwed over in the past and all this shit.

If you go to the forums, you'll see his, I think he posted about two or three times,

and Brad was talking to him and stuff.

But I think we kind of turned him around, because he said he was, at first he was saying

he was done with the podcast and the pranks for now and all that shit,

And then apparently he got motivated.

He said, well, I'm going to do pranks now.

I'm going to let fans in on the new pranks, you know,

and give me ideas for pranks now.

You know, but, you know, we're all like, dude, you know,

we'll give you tons of numbers, man, just to hear new Jerky Boyz pranks.

We'd be just, you know, he doesn't have to, you know.

That's a legit guy, man.

He's more than welcome to come on.

I mean, you know, and just take the case.

We'd love to have him, man.

I mean, you know.

Don't even prank on him.

I mean, he'd be more than welcome.

You know, open arms.

well i even told him like off off the forums like you know you can be and if you want to be on we

don't even have to do prank calls i just want to talk to the guy like interview him ask him about

like man yeah man i just want to ask him about mariah carey when he was hanging out with her

and and eddie griffin and all that shit you know and and fucking i even posted in the forums like

you know did you ever meet radio because radio had named pablo honey after him after the the

pablo honey prank call their first album was named i'm a big radiohead fan i was like dude

Dude, I'm a big Radiohead fan.

If you ever get to meet Dan, that'd be really cool.

I mean, he could even outline some of the subjects of this discussion topic.

Yeah, I mean, whatever you don't want to talk about, you know, sure, we won't talk about it.

Exactly, man.

You know, we don't touch on any odd spots.

And, you know, we keep calling you up and up, and, you know, you've got to feel comfortable.

And, you know, he's got a voice right here, a free voice in the Madhouse.

Well, there's a lot of up-and-coming people that like to listen to the Madhouse, too,

who probably have no idea who he is

or really what the Jerky Boys were about

and stuff like that.

I'm sure, and they should know,

because that's like the beginning of,

well, not the beginning,

but it's where it really,

well, the majority of us got influenced

by the Jerky Boys, I'd say.

The parameters would jump off.

He's budding talent.

A lot of these young, young generation

have never heard of some of this stuff.

It'd be a way to feed a new audience

for a new generation from one to great.

Yeah, let's ask Richie.

you boys are before i started this whole thing talking about of course yeah you did all right

yeah of course i do all right never mind all right i guess you never mind yeah fucking milky

liquor richie did you call that number i gave you oh no i didn't i didn't have a chance to

god damn it i keep meaning to tell you uh carlito i i dropped my coat off at a uh a very non-english

speaking uh dry cleaner and the guy fucking called me a week later and swearing at me

about how I haven't picked it up

and how I'm a liar.

And he said,

Chinga Tumalewe to me.

No, he didn't.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought it was a fucking joke,

but he kept calling me.

He said, Chinga Tumalewe?

Oh, Chinga Tumalewe.

He's like,

you're a liar.

You don't pick up your code.

You're a liar.

I fuck you, you son of a bitch.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, he swears just like Charlie.

Maybe Charlie's cousin

cousin got into the laundromat game.

I guess.

Charlie just switched a fucking job.

Charlie's got a new job now.

He closes at

7 o'clock West Coast time, so

I haven't quite figured out how to

record the conversation so I can play it back.

Oh, wow. That's awesome.

Yeah, that's really cool. Alright, let's

do another call. We've been bullshitting.

Oh, Carlito,

that Debbie Mansfield number was disconnected.

Yeah, Milkman, Debbie Mansfield's number

We need a new one.

Get it.

Get one.

Yeah.

Yeah, me.

Come on.

Chop, chop.

No, seriously.

Seriously, Richie tried to call the Debbie Mansfield number we've got most recently,

and it's disconnected.

She moved on.

I don't know if you have a way of getting a new one for her, but that'd be good.

Maybe she moved on.

I have to verify you got the right number.

I still have the number in my database.

You can verify you actually got the right number.

Well, I tried it also.

So Richie tried it, he got disconnected, I tried it, and unless I got it wrong also, it was the same,

that you had sent me in chat before and it was disconnected.

Oh, okay.

So you verified that it's the same number that I posted to you because that's the number.

Right, right.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, we'll have to see if the arm can pull out any more info and maybe update the number

and see exactly what the situation is.

Right, right.

Exactly.

Exactly, and things of this nature.

All right, how do I put in the UK numbers again?

0-1-1-4-4?

That's plus 4-4.

Plus 4-4, that's why it's not working, thank you.

Aha, now it says the right thing.

Because I'm smart.

Oh, busy.

Cock.

All right, moving along here, let's see.

Next request a prank from UK Godfather.

The name of the company's martini.

Ask him if he found his phonex.

Re-remember you spoke to him last week.

I don't remember.

Someone who...

oh the guy that talked about the phone or something he's like i lost my phone do you have

my phone all right whatever he'll try it see where it goes uk godfather uk godfather can't

be on the show tonight he's he had dental work trying to connect charlie yeah dude you should

connect charlie to that guy charlie's our friend he'll defend us he's got your back rich you got

charlie's number yeah i got it you want to sell or is no i'm just saying you should call the other

guy oh yeah it's a good idea call the dry cleaner guy and hello hello hello still ringing

how do you how do you see it's still ringing i just see a red button it'll if it if the

bubbles are still lighting up and stuff if they're still going i mean it's still ringing

oh yeah you are smart look at that but what what if uh charlie picks up and the guy's like charlie

is like, Freddy!

And they're like, hey!

They're brothers.

They're friends.

They're friends with Charlie now.

Oh, damn.

I thought they lost you in the socialist revolution.

They just start talking back.

Jigga to Molly, what you son of a bitch.

It's like they're greeting or something.

Yeah, like, you, Jigga to Molly, what are you?

All right.

Male escort here.

Male escort ad.

My clients are international, business, divorced, and separated.

Lonely housewives, single women.

I'm not a woman, I don't know what I'm going to do

I'll get gay

I'll get gay on the guy

Just get Richie to talk to him

Get Samantha to talk to him

That was funny

What was the 12 year old's name who was on last week?

Samantha

No it wasn't

I forgot

Dominizio

Well if he's listening now

I'm sorry I told him to fuck off

I feel bad about that

There's a lot of people, oh my apology

they've been bitching about him all week

well I was defending him on the forum

but I was rude to him on last week's show

and I feel bad

there was no need for that

I was in a bad mood

you'll be in a better mood when you go to boot camp

oh yes

when they haze you

they do sexual things to you

you know that right

be right back

that's what it's all about

is that what you're doing

yeah man

what a mess

I should join

I'll teach you guys how to play biscuit

oh soggy sayo

the fuck is

that's the one

the fuck is biscuit

is that where you jack off on the biscuit

oh

The last one to cum has to eat it?

That is gross

Sounds like someone was in the military

It's a good party game

Like for family parties

Yeah family parties

Let's all jerk off on the biscuit

The last guy gets to eat it

Hey dad you wanna get in on this game

Well, does the last guy still have to come on it, or can you just stop and just eat it?

Or do they make you eat your own cum also on top of all that?

That's a good question.

I think you have to eat your own cum.

That's a deal breaker for you, isn't it?

Actually, I think you have to eat it while you're still jerking off.

I think that's how the rules go.

Yeah, that's not so bad.

That's no fun.

Look, if I put my mind at it, I can cum pretty fast, man.

I don't know about you guys.

What are you fantasizing about, though?

What are you thinking about?

out i just go to my rolodex you know past experiences i can do it pretty fast you know

not athena nah yeah i jerk off to my wife oh yeah that's fun my wife my wife yeah it's me

of all the things myself i just think of milkman just to get milkman in his taxi

uh the bang taxi oh he's riding around his fucking leopard thong in the bang taxi

Oh boy

Thank you

Getting blowjobs from French women

Belgian

Belgian women

Same thing right

They all smell like fish

They all smell like tuna

Same continent doesn't matter

Smells the same

They're all hairy armed

Fucking women

That's like the difference between chocolate and vanilla

Come on man

Belgium that's like a waffle

Blue Waffle.

I don't know why I started with the Blue Waffle thing.

It's like every week I get someone to go to that stupid website.

I sent you a requested prank, man, to an SEO company.

Okay, I'm working up the list.

I'm up to a landlady who is a nightmare named Maria

at the Clyde Arm Pubs in Redland, UK.

Wait, hold on.

Carly you needed

You needed

You needed like

A female for that

That thing before

Uh who are you gonna get

Taylor

Big Taylor

No someone else

Oh I'm gonna talk to Taylor

She's not on anymore

Man

Taylor

You wanna help with that

I'm gonna hit that

No we're okay

Cause they didn't answer

Oh

I tried to call

They didn't answer

Not answering here either

Shit

Stupid shit

Damn it dude

Alright

How many more requests

God

UK Godfather sent like

Like a shit ton of Request a Prank.

I got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Still got 10, 11 more in the list here.

Holy shit.

This is a one thread.

Well, not just from him, but all together.

And I got another thread here also with another 17 of them.

Holy shit.

I got 27 Request a Pranks I haven't gotten to yet.

Do it.

Speed Prank.

Yeah, I'm going to do it later.

And we still got Lonesome Stuff.

We got another India Kitchen.

Does anyone want to do an India Prank call?

You can.

Yes, we all do.

Someone call it.

I mean, does any of you specifically, personally want to do a call?

I'll do some.

Let's rapid fire.

Fuck yeah.

Here's the India Palace.

Just bang him out.

India Palace, let's bang it.

Let's bang it out onto that biscuit.

Bang, shoot.

India Kitchen, rather.

Horse.

I'd fuck a warm biscuit, too.

Who's taking it?

Go ahead, Tristan.

Okay.

I'm so drunk.

India Kitchen?

Perfect.

Hey, how you going?

Yes, sir.

Hello?

Hello, I want some, I want to make an order for pickup.

Yes, please.

Yes, I want some Palau rice.

Rice?

Yeah, Malau kofta.

We have no more malai kofta, sir.

Why don't you have malai kofta?

Not on the menu, sir, malai kofta.

Could you make malai kofta for me?

No, sir.

I'll give you an extra $50.

We have no more, sir, right now.

What about bancho?

What?

Could you make me some bancho, then?

For $100 more.

Yeah, for $100 more.

Why are you talking?

Yeah, I want some bancho for $100.

You know?

Sorry, sir. Thank you.

Oh, fuck you.

I was going to get mad.

It was right there.

Oh, man.

I'm going to give you some of that sweet, sweet sister ass.

Sweet, sweet banchan.

What about maruchan?

What does maruchan mean?

Motherfucker.

Which one's brotherfucker?

I don't know.

I think it sounds a lot like banchan.

I've seen that one.

Same one?

Yeah.

In your kitchen?

Yes.

Hello.

Hello, I'm looking for some banchan.

You got the banchan?

No special?

We have no banchan, sir.

Thank you very much.

You have maruchan?

Maruchan with a special sauce?

Hello?

Yes, you have maruchan and your sister is going to come down here?

also your sister gonna come in front me come front of me your sister i'm gonna kiss your sister

tonight okay where's your sister put her on the phone i'll call you police ah you shut up you

pussy call me the police man i'll call you police you're the police you're police fuck the 50

gandu hello gandu yes i want palau rice problem do you have any malai kofta we have no malai

No, I want Malai.

Listen, that's all I want to eat tonight.

I don't care about any of the stuff.

I just want some Malai kofta.

I'll give you $100.

Can I speak to the manager, please?

I'll offer you $200.

I've got five people here.

They want to eat Malai kofta.

That's all they want to eat.

$200.

I'll pick up tonight.

15 minutes, okay?

Hello, can I speak to the manager?

I fucked you, you son of a bitch

You heard him, I think it was when he said

They called me that

He's calling us the police

Bam, next one, do it

Alright, here we go

What's malicota?

It's like potato bowls in like a

Cashew sauce

Pretty tasty

Is that Roxanne you're playing?

You said business

Maharaja restaurants

Every time I hear this song I think of

movie Another 48 Hours with Eddie Murphy

on the fucking prison bus singing this shit.

Yeah. That's a good one.

Indian food? Yep. I'll take it.

Mara, the restaurant? Yes, hello. You got chicken

tikka masala? I'm sorry? You have chicken

tikka masala? Yes.

What about marachood? Marachood?

What about bhenchod? Bhenchod?

Pillow rice? Who's that?

Who's that? No, I want pillow rice,

tandoori chicken, bhenchod.

You got some? Or maybe your sister?

Bring her down the fuck?

Everything for you.

Just show up your face there, and then I'll show you.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What else are you going to show me?

Huh?

Can I come down there or what?

Yeah, sure.

So, are you going to make the order for me or not?

You should have joined us over at Madhouse Live.

What the fuck was that?

What's wrong with your phone?

Trying to make an order, and you're playing that in my ear?

What the fuck?

God damn it.

Good recovery, though.

I like it.

That was good.

All right.

We got more where that came from, though.

I got Galena's Grill.

I don't know if that's Indian or not, but we got it.

We'll try it and see.

They either got French fries or Mattitude.

Bring it on.

One of the two.

They probably have French fries.

Everywhere has French fries.

W wants a Mattitude and then have Carlito in a bagger and play the dun-dun-dun.

Yeah.

Nice finger slip, asshole.

What are Indian French fries like?

Oh, they're actually pretty good.

They're breaded a little bit.

This is you, Teto.

You got French fries?

Hello.

Hello, how's it going?

You got any French fries over there?

Can't hear you.

Can't hear me?

Hello.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, hello.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah.

My audio fucked up or what?

after every order he makes

for every little piece of food item

play that sound that you played

when you fucked up

hey man I want some french fries

I think they catch up

I gotta open that again

that's Brad's new soundboard

he's working on

he's got a HTML5 one

I'm gonna start working on mine this weekend

I've got such old sound effects

I've got shit that I don't even use

I've got some here

here let me see like that zone two yeah okay yeah i gotta get the zone two sound effect that alarm

sound yeah but like i've got shit like this that i've never used that's funny but that's not really

funny when do i ever use that shit never you never i got a rim shot never use that right there

I've never used that shit.

Tell your sister to come in front of me.

Dun, dun, dun.

Yeah.

I choked.

You need, like, 10 different types of cartons.

That's awesome.

HTML5 soundboard.

Let me look it up here.

Get it ready.

Bazooka Man's on.

Bazooka Man.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, come in front of me.

What's that?

Come in front of me.

Come in front of you.

Yes.

We'll call you police.

Yes, we'll call you police.

I choked.

I had your pilaf rice.

took a shit.

Hey, Carlito, you haven't called

freaking Charlie in a long time.

Because he just wants to be nice.

I'll call him right now.

You've got to get him angry or something.

Yeah, hang on.

Let me try.

It's been a while.

Maybe he'll be a little...

Talk to Molly.

Way!

Maybe he'll be...

Wait till we get a soundbite

and fucking see if we can get him giggling or something.

Yeah.

We've got to make a soundboard of him,

just Charlie.

Oh, my God.

I was going to say,

we should make a soundboard

of the Turkish horse guy

and then when he's not in,

call up his restaurant

and play it.

Like he's pissed off.

I fuck boys, you like?

I'm whores, I fuck you. You suck my dick.

You use two hands.

Hey Carlito, how's my sound coming in?

A little muffled, you're alright.

Hey, I found a website

that's got some other Hindi insults.

Oh yeah, there's quite a few

of them out there. Some of them sound really funny

too.

Hello. Charlie.

Yeah, you insulted me the other day.

You're insulting me over there.

You call me a jerk.

I'm going to go over there and punch you right in the mouth.

Bend your teeth back.

I'm going to put my dick in your mouth and make you suck my dick.

From the airport.

Listen, you like to suck a dick, don't you?

Huh, stupid?

What are you talking about?

You suck a dick.

I call you police.

I want to call police so you'll be careful.

Nah, you shut up.

I want your wife's sweet, sweet ass.

Yeah.

I found a hair in my food.

Huh?

I found a hair in my food.

Is it yours?

We'll call from the radio.

we're from the internet what are you calling where from the radio radio yeah man yeah hey

call from the big island can you tell me about your wife is your wife pretty

okay tell me about last time okay tell me about you you have a pretty wife right she's pretty

she looks good she's sporting a pretty healthy rick does she kiss you oh you're so

go on does your wife kiss you a lot does she like to kiss you oh you're so hot just say it man

Are you getting excited?

Are you okay?

Wow, jeez.

Come on.

Holy shit.

You saw.

He must be on the Prozac or something.

You saw.

Wow.

I think he was jerking it.

I think he's losing it, man.

Something wrong with him.

I think maybe he got a little disease or something.

I don't know.

I think he went to go take a cold shower or something.

Holy shit.

You saw.

Oh, poor Charlie.

We've done it now.

Yo, was that his cell?

Call him on his cell, he'll be pissed.

That was his cell, yeah.

I'll try him again.

Everyone else kept interrupting.

That's okay.

We're just having fun.

No interrupting.

Damn it.

Let me talk to him.

Just me this time.

Hang on.

Back on my mouth.

Leave your message for 8083.

Nope.

Nothing there.

All right.

Well, poor Charlie, you know.

What can you do?

Hey, we might have to reboot the Skype.

It's doing some shit.

Shit.

Uh-oh.

You see, here's...

I got the error.

Shadowcast says,

unable to send data fast enough.

Buffer something.

Yeah, we lost all the feeds again.

Shit.

Come on, Winamp.

You can do it.

Don't crash on me, man.

Charlie sabotaged the show, man.

Yeah, he did.

It's cleared up now.

Cleared up now?

Yeah.

It's a damn good song, man.

My favorite police song by the policemen.

Love the police.

Dude, it's like some major freaking lightning, man.

You've never seen freaking lightning here, man.

We got ball lightning?

Yeah, it's fucking lightning, man.

I mean, you can light up the whole damn sky.

It's the alien type of lightning.

There's actually aliens inside.

Those are the best stars, man.

When the lightning and shit starts going crazy.

Yeah, man.

I've got an orange moon tonight as well.

It's weird.

I mean, when I lived in Florida,

you know living in Florida, dude,

it's the lightning capital of the world, man.

But out here, man, you never see lightning.

It's so rare.

You get rain occasionally,

but lightning, man, that's hardly ever.

there is a lot of lightning in florida man they do you're right milkman it is called the lightning

capital of the world absolutely but it's surrounded by water on all sides man it's like you know right

there near that salt stream or just so many you know so many different you know thermodynamic

changes going on there it just we just fucked up lightning man more anywhere in the world

florida is absolutely that's the same shit up here in michigan man we could be fucking having

in the 70s one day

and the fucking next day

we'll be dropped down

to like 32.

Yeah.

I don't forget Michigan.

I got folks back here.

I got folks just

about to be there

in Ohio, man.

It's the same shit

as like 80 last week

and this fucking night

last night

was down to 30

or something.

It's about like

50 degree change

within like four days.

We were cranking

fucking mid-60s,

almost 70s

all the way

through February.

It was fucking nuts.

Well, today was cold

here in Pennsylvania, man.

And I was like, what the fuck?

What is this spring, man?

It was like it was...

We had frost through here in Michigan today.

It's probably the same type of weather you're getting over there in Pennsylvania.

Yeah, it's kind of cool, but then it's going to be in the 80s this weekend.

I don't know what the fuck.

Fucking hell, it was nice, dude.

Yeah, the weather's just flip-flopping back and forth.

We're getting cacti back.

Which part of Michigan are you in?

Southeast.

I'm probably like, I don't know, probably like 45 minutes from Toledo,

somewhere right around there.

Okay, okay, okay.

Then you're on the lower side of it.

Yeah, you're pretty close in temperature.

It's a little bit warmer south of there.

All right.

Well, we got Cacti and Blue Planet back.

Sorry, guys.

You know what happened?

I tried to restart the video, and that might be the cause of trouble here.

Yeah, what the fuck's up with the video?

I had to leave it off now because it's completely fucked up.

You better start wearing the hat again, man.

I think it's a message, man.

Get the hat going.

Exactly.

It's a rubber titty.

Let's call the Banchutes.

See if they want to talk about their titty.

They're definitely awesome, man.

Do you know what's going on with the stream, guys?

I got it back.

It should be back up now.

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crossing streams.

All right, we got Eduardo's Border Grill here.

I feel like being a racist.

That's good.

Oh, yeah, speaking of racism and Florida, that Zimmerman guy got charged.

He's charged with murder.

He's in jail.

The guy that shot Trayvon Martin.

Do you think he'll get convicted?

It's Florida.

Probably not.

I think there's enough pressure that they'll get him on manslaughter.

I really don't think you should have charges brought against them

But with all that political pressure

And different shit going on down there

They had to do something

It was inevitable

I told you I grew up in the town next to Sanford

And that was a powder keg waiting to happen

It was getting bad

My mom was telling me

You fuck up in Florida man

You know they're going to fry your ass period

So they're going with the higher charge

Knowing that if it gets talked down

They're going to get in with some meat

They might fuck up

They might fuck up like they did with Casey Anthony.

He'll get off free and then he'll be fucking race one.

It'll probably get pledged down and then he'll get time served.

I was reading about it today.

He wasn't even charged when he was picked up.

He was released from the station.

I think there was some dirty pool going on.

Is that what I'm happy?

Yeah, it's high.

This is Eduardo's Border Grill?

Yes, it is.

Oh, that's good.

Are you Mexican?

Yes.

Oh, do you have oranges?

Pardon me?

Do you have oranges?

Oranges, no.

Oh, because most Mexicans, they pick oranges at some point.

I thought maybe you have some.

No, no, no.

Do you have any fruits?

Fruits?

No, we don't have fruits here.

They have vegetables.

We have taco, burritos, the salad.

The salad is lettuce.

Where did you get the lettuce from?

Did you get it yourself?

We have the salad.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And is it dangerous there?

For me?

Is it dangerous there?

No.

It's not?

No.

Do you speak Spanish a lot?

People there speak Spanish?

Are you going to order, sir, or are you going to just ask me the question?

Well, that's how I order food. I ask questions first.

Yeah, I mean, you can see it has a website.

Oh, what's the matter? You don't speak English, or you don't want me to ask questions?

Well, I mean, if you just ask me a question, I don't have time. I'm so busy right now, okay?

Oh, what would...

If you want to place your order, I can help you, okay?

Oh, I'll let the place in order.

Okay, what would you like to order?

Do you have rice?

For me?

Do you have rice?

Yes, sir.

Okay, do you have tacos?

Yes, we do.

Do your tacos have meat?

Yes.

Do they have chicken meat?

Do they have steak, beef, chicken?

Do they have chicken?

Yes.

Do they have steak?

What would you like to order, sir?

Steak taco.

Okay, how many?

With beef.

How many tacos, sir?

Yeah.

How many tacos?

Si.

How many?

Four tacos.

Okay.

Five rice, six beans.

Okay.

Seven Diet Cokes.

Okay.

Eight chicken.

Okay.

Nine shrimps.

Okay.

Anything else?

Ten watermelons.

Okay.

11 apples.

12 waters.

13 toilets.

I'd also like you to come here and put together some furniture that I bought from Ikea.

It's, let's see.

It is 310-475-2410.

There's something coming in on the computer.

Alright, thanks sir. Bye bye.

What a stupid prank call, guys. Good work.

What happens when that guy

Calls that phone

He's going to get his voicemail

It's his own number

I gave out his number

You know up here in Washington State

The Mexicans pick apples

The Mexicans pick apples in Washington

That makes sense

Southwestern Washington

Has got a huge Hispanic population

They pick oranges in Florida

Eastern Washington too

Hey, pizzeria, you guys do it

I don't want to talk to this guy

Pizza place

That's not me typing, by the way

Yeah, just typeling

Rocky, speak to some fortune in here

I'm gonna help you

Go ahead

Rocky, speak to some fortune in here

Richie

Hello

Yes, my friend Richie wants to make an order

Richie, go ahead

Hey there

What kind of toppings you got on the pizzas?

What kind of what, honey?

Toppings

What toppings do we have on pizza?

Yeah, you got some

That's what I said

Sir, just give me a second

Let me switch phones

I can barely hear you

Okay

Sorry to put you on the spot

but this is going to be bad.

Nunu's just had a brilliant idea.

Sorry about that,

what was the question again?

Oh yeah,

what kind of toppings

you got on the pizzas there?

Anything out of the ordinary?

What, toppings?

Yeah, toppings.

Actually, you know what?

I think I'm going to go

a little experimenting here.

How about underings?

Like you put the stuff

underneath the pizza.

Under what?

Yeah, an under.

You guys put anything

underneath the pizza there

or just on top of it?

No, we put the rest of it

in the cheese

and then the toppings we want.

Do you think maybe

you can make it

instead of the pizza bread

bread like normally you use you can make it out of um chocolate why not i mean your small business

i expect that pizza underings you know it's a new thing could be the innovators in the business

underings any undering you want two underings for let's say 12.99 medium-sized pizza sound good

richie you sound like you're from jersey or something that's freaking awesome

that's awesome you threw me for a loop there what the hell

you're talking like your uncle or something

yeah like most of the people here

what the fuck

make it that way

I think it would be good underings

yeah I might have to

yeah I laughed

because I read Nunu's idea

for UK calls if they ask what time it is tell them

and then play the sound

good deal

and Nunu also said 11 apples for the horse

I forgot that it's the horse's favorite

food

me and Athena were listening to one of the recent podcasts

where I said that my horse had been abused by the kids.

They threw apples at it.

And the lady was like, oh, I'm sorry.

And I said, yeah, I even tried to talk to it.

I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're a horsey.

He actually did that when we were kids.

You threw apples at a horse?

Or are you talking to him like that?

He threw apples at a horse.

Oh, that's weird.

He'll regret it now.

My grandpa did have a horse named Arturo.

And Alonzo, Alonzo, I mean.

Arturo was a bad horse.

Arturo bit my cousin.

Was that the crazy one that ran throughout the city?

Yeah, that was Alonzo.

he was retarded arturo was a bad horse so he he bit and then my cousin he bit my cousin on the arm

uh when he was bathing him like he was using a hose and he bit him and my cousin

like beat him like really he like beat him with a stick like you motherfucker like in spanish he

said in spanish you hijo puta he said and uh they got rid of that horse they gave it to some old guy

and the old guy got bit too and he was like remember he's telling my grandma to return

her and his horse

from my grandfather

I was like fuck you

and my dad said

my grandfather said

he was going to get

his revolver

my grandfather was a

cop in Puerto Rico

back in like

in the 50s and 40s

when it wasn't bad

you know

he was like a cop

my mom says like

my dad

my grandfather

would bring like

prison inmates

to work on the house

and stuff

like back then

like they were cool people

you know

it was a different time

like you know

you know

if you're in prison

yeah

not anymore

god

prison guy in Puerto Rico

holy shit

did you read about that

I forget where the fuck the prison guy was from, but he brought one of the prisoners out to work on his golf game to help him out.

And the guy got in so much trouble.

What a dumbass.

The prisoner was, like, a world-famous golfer, like, in Canada and shit, but he was arrested down here.

And the sheriff or whoever the fuck it was was like, I need to work on my golf game.

So he fucking brought him out to the golf course to fucking help him out and shit.

Was that Boss Hogg or something?

That's funny.

Boss Hogg out there.

Boss hog.

All right, let's look at some more numbers here.

Any UK numbers yet from Lonesome?

Not yet, but I'm sure those are coming in.

In the meantime, we'll get some more requested pranks.

It's 12.23.

We'll be wrapping up things here shortly.

If you have any requested pranks, I would say wait until next week.

Hold off on them because we are, like, tapped out.

Like I said, we've got 27 of them right now, and we're going to rapid fire,

but I don't know if we're going to be able to make it through all of those.

But we'll try.

I sent you an Indian restaurant in Guam.

Do you want to try calling that?

Mm-hmm.

Well, we can do that.

It could

be in my Gmail

thread I had going with you

let me see

you know I didn't see those

like you said look above or whatever

let me see if they can

oh here we go

typical Guam lady

curry kebab

I mean, stupid.

Gary Kabob.

Is it your wife that's Guam?

Or she's not, right?

No, she's Filipino, but she lived in Saipan.

She went to high school there.

Yeah.

I ask this every time.

I bring it up, like, every other time you send in numbers.

You think I've learned by now.

Yeah, actually, we're going to probably go to Saipan in a year or two.

So I'll have to call the show in from Saipan.

Saipan, Propan.

Sounds good.

Well, it's good to finally talk to you, man.

I don't think we've ever talked before, so it's good.

Yeah, we have.

One time ago.

Never mind.

What do I know?

All right, here we go.

Curry, kebab, Indian restaurant, and Guam.

Hi, is this Indian food?

Well, is this Indian food?

Hello?

What is wrong with these people, dude?

Hello?

I'm sued.

Windy.

This is a customer.

It's idiots.

The phone's ringing.

What do we do?

We didn't think anybody would actually buy our shitty food.

Oh, shit.

Here's the phone.

Here's the watch.

Here's the island.

That lady gave us one of Hummer right there at the fucking reception desk.

Hello, last chance

What is with those people

They're just really dumb and guam

Except for that horse guy

The guy that I call every year to ask about a horse

I don't know

He is always really fucking surprised every year

He's like, how do these bastards keep tracking me down

Well it's only been two now

But the last time he was like

Living is like, I don't understand

Why you keep calling me

Asking about a fucking horse

Wasn't he at like a hotel or something

He was at a Hooters.

He was at a Hooters, yeah.

He left the fucking horse and cow or whatever.

He was at a Hooters.

So I called him there.

Well, I called him.

He hadn't made it yet.

And I said, yeah, tell him I'm going to be calling in.

And she's like, okay.

And I call him.

He's like, I don't know why you keep fucking calling.

I think one day at Thanksgiving we fucking rapid-fired on his ass.

We kept calling him over and over.

Yeah, I've only ever called him on Thanksgiving and talked to him.

Well, I think the first time I called the day after Thanksgiving

giving and they were like the guy about masturbating a horse is calling again they said they were going

to report me to the base commander or something hey we're gonna call general whatever general

jones sure whatever good afternoon how can i help you hi you speak english yes oh that's good yes

your massage is there how much for 30 minutes i'm sorry sir we don't have a 30 minute cost we only

have a 60 minute cost which is which is 99 99 for 60 minutes and how many hands how many hands

What do you mean, how many hands?

Well, you know, sometimes you have four hands.

The woman, two women, it's four hands.

No, it's just one by one.

One customer, one therapist.

Okay, but if the woman only used one hand the whole time, can I get a discount?

What are you talking about?

Well, I just wanted to use one hand the whole time.

You're calling the wrong place to make a joke.

No, no, no.

Hey, what are you going to do?

You're calling the wrong place to make a joke.

Oh, she was still there.

I thought she hung up.

You got the wrong place to make a joke.

She was still there.

Shit.

She was going to say something again.

How about this?

I'm going to rub myself and I'll give you something real.

Hello?

Yes, if I do the massaging and she just watched, then how much?

I'm sorry, sir.

We have a right to refuse the customer service.

So we're not going to service you.

Bye.

Do not call in again.

Bye.

Oh, service.

I get it.

The code word right there.

She says she's not going to service you.

Happy Mass.

That reminds me of when Hollywood called somebody and posed as a masseuse.

Okay, how about no service, but just massage, regular massage?

A customer for our company.

Please, I have a lot of money.

We don't need your money, okay?

There's so many people outside.

There's so many customers outside.

We don't need customers bringing us stupid money, okay?

I'll give you $300 American dollars.

That's not Guam dollars, okay?

I'm the lawyer.

I want some fucky sucky

let me be the lawyer

and I say that it's unlawful

for you to refuse your service

based on your race

Carlito keep your trigger on the

dun dun dun sound

I think Jack Masterson

should call up and ask to get a job there

a job

it's fine

it's Richie's

I'm aware that you just refused service to my client

Mr. Jack Masterson

I want to know on what grounds you are to do this.

I'm sorry?

On what grounds are you refusing services to my client?

Sorry, sir.

I'm a lawyer.

You have the right to do a customer service.

We don't want to massage you.

We don't want to take you as this kind of customer.

Is it because of this race, creed, or ethnicity, or sexual orientation?

Stop calling me here.

Okay?

I believe it right now.

Don't call me anything at this, not this place.

Stop making a stupid calling.

How dare you call my pack of stupid?

I want to sue you for slander.

Have you pleaded guilty or not guilty?

Guilty?

Guilty.

Yay.

Dre.

Dre Siskel.

Stop make a stupid calling.

That's the name of the show right fucking there.

Stop make a stupid calling.

That reminds me of the, what was the prank you so stupid from the pizza fun, the pizza one.

Oh, you're so stupid, man.

You're so stupid.

Jasmine, you're so stupid.

Put an Australian massage in the Skype chat.

Where's that Sam Sam the donut man?

What happened to him?

Oh, he sold the place or whatever.

His family sold the Dunkin' Donuts.

I called back a black guy

who bought it, and he's actually a cool dude

I remember once

I called him, and he was like, yeah, those guys

don't work anymore, all black staff

now or something, which is weird

Al Sharpton took it over

I want to talk to the

angry Asiatics

King Solomon was a faggot

Al Sharpton was a faggot

Al Sharpton took it over and turned it into KFC

Oh, you racist son of a bitch

I saw a posted image over the weekend

that made me laugh

it was a piece of KFC chicken

with a candle in it

and then underneath was a black kid crying

and it said thank you mom for the best birthday cake ever

oh my god

it's an incredibly racist Australian KFC commercial

where it's like

it's like a white guy in the middle of a black crowd

just like I'm a bit stuck in an awkward situation

and it shows like the KFC

and he gets a KFC bug

and the black people around him start picking

him and he's now friends with it because he has KFC.

He's like, get KFC.

No way.

Their fucking chasing was like

an old man or some shit like that.

Tristan, is that true?

I'm not joking.

You're joking.

I'm not joking. I have the fucking thing right here.

You're joking.

You're making it up.

Fuck you. We're not racist.

Racist KFC commercial.

We're not racist.

I'm not a liar. I'm going to get it, and I'll post it.

We don't love that shit here.

Yeah, don't lie, Richie, okay?

I'm not lying.

You're worse than a 12-year-old.

You're just trying to make Australians look bad.

Oh, if you want to call that male number, I added the girl to the chat.

She's on the line.

Let's call an Australian number.

Hi, girl.

What's up, girl?

Hey.

Your name is Dick Wank?

I didn't say your name.

Washington, D.C.

Jesus Christ.

If you're on the subway, it sounds like shit.

Aw, be nicer.

Come on, it's Richie's girl.

Is that a 12-year-old boy?

Is it a 12-year-old boy?

Or a 12-year-old girl?

Come on, you gay kid.

I am a 12-year-old boy.

Nice, that's what we like.

Delicious.

That's what I'm talking about.

All right, look, we got more pranks to do.

We got England here in the house.

England.

Let's do it.

Rapid.

Oh, fucking England.

Fucking England.

Oh, the cobblers.

Cobblers.

I don't know why they lost the war.

That's why they lost Vietnam.

Who's this?

Ian Anthony.

I know you.

Hello.

You're not available now.

You don't know?

Call number after the beep.

We will return your call.

No answer there.

And so we'll call Anthony Brown.

That's a good name for a chef, Anthony Brown.

Hmm.

Or a dishwasher.

Anthony.

Anthony Hardaway.

Anthony.

Come on.

Pick up, man.

Yes, hello, Anthony.

Thank you, sir.

Is Anthony there?

Who's there?

I'm with the Department of Water Enforcement.

I understand you've been flushing the toilet a little bit too much.

We wanted to make sure that you weren't flushing the toilet so much for the next 24 hours,

or we're going to turn off your water service.

Do you know what?

No, no.

Do you know what time it is?

No.

Can you tell me?

Why should I tell you?

You tell me what time it is.

It's 5.40 in the morning.

That's what the computer says.

Hello, sir?

I hit the wrong one again.

Now I hit the other one, the one I meant to hit the first time when I hit the wrong one.

Did it come free when I played it?

Oh, yeah, it did.

I just posted a link to the racist KFC video in the Skype.

Don't lie.

I just posted it right there

You just paid for it on Fiverr

That's bullshit

That's what he's fucking doing

Hit him with the Fiverr real quick

Please make a Braceless Capsule video

Alright I believe you

I believe you

Here we go Anthony Brown let's call again

Alright one of you guys do it if you want

Please

Dirty Aaron you do pretty good with the British

I want to say you do good with the wake up calls

Oh yeah thank you very much

Let me know if you need a chance

That's my fucking favorite ever right there.

Or an ex-con.

Anthony?

Foo.

I'm gonna ask you there.

Instead we'll call Barry Cousins.

Barry Cousins.

Bring him on.

The title to that thing, like, the KFC's like, KFC's Cricket Survival.

Wow.

That is KFC.

Good day.

KFC was Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Hello?

Hello, Barry.

No.

Please stop phoning this number.

Why?

Why am I phoning this number?

This is my first time.

We're in the middle of the night here.

Well, it's not in the middle of the night.

Alright, it's early in the morning.

Hang up.

I love the long hang ups.

Hello.

She doesn't want to talk anymore.

Barry Thorpe.

Here we go.

Thorpe, bring it.

Wasn't that the football player?

James Thorpe? Who am I thinking?

Who was the Thorpe that played football back in the day?

Back in the Milkman days.

Isn't that Milkman's real name?

Jim Thorpe.

Jimmy sounds about right.

My name is Jim Thorpe.

Oh shit, we lost Milkman.

Fucking long time ago.

Yeah, about like 20 minutes ago.

Hello?

Barry.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Is Barry in?

Mr. Thorpe.

Mr. Thorpe, this is Mr. Westwood calling.

Are you there?

Hello?

Mr. Thorpe.

How are you?

Mr. Westwood.

Hello?

I'm at number 27.

There.

That was perfect.

All right.

I'll call him back.

We need to send people to...

You didn't want to play Blue Waffle.

Oh.

We have to do that.

Send your friend to our website, BlueWaffle.net.

Hello?

Yes.

Hi, sir.

This is Barry Thorpe.

Barry Thorpe.

What do you want?

Do you have your thumb up your ass?

I'm asking you a question.

This is Barry Thorpe.

Why do you keep saying, whoo-hoo?

Do you realize it's 6 o'clock in the morning?

It's 6 o'clock in the morning?

Yes.

You don't say.

Frederick Dyson's next in the United Kingdom.

Frederick.

Yo, you want me to take this?

Sure, Richie.

Go ahead, Richie.

I got this, I got this.

Do it, Giggles.

Giggles.

Welcome to voicemail.

Ah.

The person you have called is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the tone.

That's fine.

Let's go up the list again.

Let's try Ian Anthony.

He didn't pick up the first time.

Maybe he'll pick up this time.

Okay.

Oh, hang on.

Milkman.

Can't forget Milkman.

Leche.

Leche hombre.

Ted, get off the keyboard.

Leave the Casio.

Put the Casio down.

If it's not the keyboard, it's the goddamn stapler.

It's a big, beautiful music with that stapler.

I like how it says,

Please enjoy the music while your party's being reached,

and it's no music anymore.

Milkman used to have the Jimmy Hendrix when you called him.

That's just a fast ring.

Milkman, answer the phone.

Milkman's right now looking some chick in the face saying,

Let's not turn this rape into a murder.

That's not it.

duct tape turns

no no no

there you go

I like that

that's funny

I never heard that

this is Ian Anthony

oh this is yours

rather Richie

if he picks up

we're not available now

please leave your name

and phone number

after the

oh here we got a new one

do we have a new one

no we don't

never mind

fuck me

oh um

no

has a

her neighbor's number

and they're in the UK

so

so I'm going to call that.

Okay, who does the...

I do. I'm trying to find it,

so I'll give it to you when I do find it.

All right, let me know.

Hi, talker, old boy.

Thank you.

Hello.

Thanks, kid.

The fuck do you have to do?

That's Dirty Aaron's wife telling him to go wash the dishes, apparently.

This is a lie.

Please enjoy the following night.

This watch party is being reached.

Hey, you're back.

What's happening, bro?

You dropped off. I didn't even notice.

I was like, where's Milkman?

in and the guy said you've been off for like 20 minutes nobody missed you nobody missed you

i'm saying you're a mess all right richie oh wow man we're calling i don't know we abuse you shut

up don't make me come over there and get to deal with you that falls in line right was what i said

yeah don't make me turn this rape into a murder all right harold don't know man i'll swing the

the chain, but be careful.

The chain?

Alright, we got Harold Gould.

Richie, let's see if these guys

pick up.

Hey there, Mr. Gould.

I'm calling from the UK

Water Service Association.

How are you doing today, sir?

Oh, giggles.

I was laughing at something else.

Alright, I got this.

Soundboard Ted over there.

Yeah, Ted's is going nuts.

Sir, Mr. Harold. I love you.

Harold, this is Milos from the UK Water Service and Administration.

Sir, Harold, this is Milos.

Milos from the school.

Did you answer the man, you bitch?

Goddamn, instead of a gun.

You know what?

I'm just going to turn off your water right now.

Do you know what time it is?

Time to turn off this motherfucker's water.

Turn it off.

Come on.

What else?

Okay, your water's now off, sir.

What do you have to say about that?

Try to flush the toilet.

I dare you.

Go ahead, do it.

Toilet will flush, but no more water's going to come out.

One more toilet.

You get one more flush.

That's it.

Courtesy flush.

All right, I hung up.

It's not doing nothing.

uh james back in england james is back whoo let's do it try not to laugh richie you can do it you

can do it i got it i have faith gotta mellow out f-a-y-f james james you're back james hello this

is me from the water service administration of the united kingdom how you doing today sir

i need to tell you a couple things sir first of all i've been using too much water and we're

We're in an emergency crisis right now, so you've used all your water batches for today,

and we're going to have to suspend your water usage.

Okay?

You get one courtesy flush after that, sir.

Your water gets turned off.

Okay?

Alright?

Okay, sir.

Okay.

He's not talking.

No one wants to talk to us anymore.

I've been doing this.

What the fuck?

It's her rapture.

Oh, boy.

That's where you fucking...

Mom's underneath you.

You got dissed.

What do you got to say to that, soundboard?

Motherfucker.

Fuck you!

Oh, I got you there.

Tristan sent in a number here

a while ago, was it?

Stuart Media, the SEO.

Is this the one you were talking about?

Nunu took away my ops in the chatroom.

They're assholes.

Yeah, Nunu's a cunt.

Nunu, why'd you take away my ops?

You son of a gun.

I didn't really have ops.

Good for you.

Nunu, the ops himself.

See, I don't have control of the chatroom anymore.

It's all Nunu.

I dare Milkman to come and swing the chain in the chatroom.

I fucking dare him.

Nunu's going to power him, man.

Swing his balls in the chamber.

Yes, hello. Do you do

SEO work? Yes, we do.

Yes, I needed SEO for my website,

bluewaffle.net.

Yes, I need an SEO.

Sure. What I might do is I'll push you

through to Adam. He's our BDM here.

He'd rather help you. He's your what?

He's our BDM. He's the development manager.

He's obedient. BDM.

BM. He's the development manager.

Bow movement. Okay, put him through.

He's a prank call. No, you said he's a BDM.

Who am I speaking to?

No, I need to speak to...

What are you doing?

Bye.

All right, no more soundboards.

Yeah.

Get out of here.

You're becoming like new to the chat room.

Yeah, I know, right?

You're still in the chat black soundboard.

That's Aaron.

I think it's Aaron.

We got another number.

What's my favorite soundboard?

Big Cliff sent in,

this guy has a space to park your boat.

I already tried it once, I think,

and it didn't work.

I'll try it again.

I think I had the country code wrong before.

I'm gonna have to go in about five minutes, so...

Motorboat this son of a bitch.

Motorboat what?

Richie, if you giggle at me one more time, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What was that?

He-he-he-he.

What was that, Richie?

God, come on, man.

Grow a pair.

Okay, I'm going.

Damn virgin.

Invalid phone number.

Shit, man.

Shit.

Wait, you didn't add an area code, or did you?

I don't know.

Well, that was an Australian number.

Oh, Australia.

Yeah, but I don't know how to dial it.

Cliff, I'm sorry, man.

I'm retarded.

UK Fred, Mayflower Chinese Restaurant.

Usually open until 4 a.m.

They're closing.

Okay, from now on, I'm going as UK Richie.

Everyone's using the UK thing lately.

I'm noticing that.

That's cool.

Whatever you guys want, man.

I've got a number for Australian Massage.

That's right, you did.

Where did you send that?

Skype?

Where did you put that in?

Yeah, I just took off again.

Let's put it in Skype.

Yeah, put it in Skype.

And let me get to the chat for Skype.

Australian massage, as you say.

All right, cool.

I'm going to try that again with the one hand.

How many for...

Oh, that's the price for the regular one, you know.

Watch.

You'll see.

Can I help you?

Yes, hi.

Is this massage?

Yes, it is.

Just a moment.

Just a lady.

Rona?

Yeah, how are you?

Just a sex sweetheart.

Okay, honey.

And a sweetheart, huh?

Like a hooters girl.

Hey, darling.

It's massage and hair and relief services.

Half down.

What?

Are you talking to me now?

Yes, it's Massage and Hand Relief.

A hand release?

Just come down and meet the ladies and take it from there.

Uh-huh.

Are you talking to me?

What are you saying again?

I'm sorry, I don't understand your accent.

Could you just hold on a sec?

Oh, shit.

Did she offer some penis release?

Did she say hand release?

I thought she did say hand release.

Was that her phone that was beeping?

Mm-hmm.

Massage and Hand Relief.

Got another mouth-to-dick transaction on the line.

Please hold on.

Recluse hand release.

Sorry, baby, now.

Yeah, what kind of release?

You said a release?

Big pedal?

Did you say release?

What did you say?

Hand relief.

Yeah, hand relief.

Hand relief, massage, and hand relief.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, okay.

All right.

Not oral, hand, by hand.

Not oral.

No, it's massage services.

Oral, some ladies do extra services, which is oral or full service, but it's massage

and hand relief, so it's, you know, by hand.

Oh, so they touch the privates.

It's a brothel, darling.

What would you like them to do?

Oh, it's a brothel.

Oh, that's nice.

So how much for 60 minutes?

Yeah, what did you think it was?

No, because I'm from America.

I can hear that accent, yeah.

So what did you think it was, though?

Well, I'm from America.

You're usually not that upfront about it.

You say, oh, it's just massage, but then, you know.

No, because the difference is it's illegal parlors who say just massage if it's illegal.

We're legal.

Oh, okay.

But our legal place will say the full thing.

So you do the legal stuff here then.

Okay, I got you.

We're legal, and we have massage and have a leave, and full service, oral sex, the works.

You do?

Okay.

Some ladies do the works, but it's all safe sex, condoms, et cetera, et cetera.

So if you want to come down and meet the ladies, you can come down and meet the ladies and take some now.

Are they sexy ladies?

Of course they are.

Oh, and do you do these things or no?

No, I'm just a receptionist.

Oh, you never thought about it.

Okay, so how many for one hand and two hands?

Do

Do they charge extra for two hands?

Because I need two hands.

You can't do it with just one.

No, they wouldn't charge extra for two hands.

Just come down and meet the ladies.

We're at 16 Greens Road down in Long South.

I might pick you up on that offer.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye-bye.

I don't know what to do.

I'm going there

that's right I forgot

alright yeah we'll call her

bring your son Richie

alright hang on

Richie digs the anal beads

I gotta say

he does

let me call him back

I was like confused

like wait a minute she is laying hand rollies

this whole time

wow that's a place

That was fun, guys.

I've got to get back to work, but it's been

an honor, as always.

Ted, you're not going anywhere, you fucking liar.

You always say that. You always stay around.

Of course I'm not going anywhere. I've just got to do

all the work I haven't done tonight.

You're going to go staple papers? Okay.

In an hour. Yeah, I'm going to staple stuff.

Okay, cool. Have fun. You're a stapler.

See you, guys.

Have fun, UK.

Tristan, where is this in Australia?

It's about

20 minutes from Melbourne.

Melbourne? I wouldn't go there.

So, Charlie, you want to start this and introduce me, or what?

Yeah, I got this. I got this.

We'll bring you in.

Number 16, can I help you?

Yes, hi. I had called you before.

Now, do you guys do anything special for...

It's my son's birthday. I was trying to get it for him.

Sorry, what did you want to tell?

It's my son's 16th birthday.

My son, Richie, he's going to put him on the phone.

16?

Mm-hmm.

So you said 16?

Richie, are you there?

Yeah, hey, Dad. I'm here.

Yeah, that's my son. He's on the line.

And he was just, you know, he's at that age.

So he's never had experience of a woman before, just a man.

Hey, darling, darling, how old is he?

It's his birthday.

How old is he?

Old enough, you know.

He knows how it works.

I'm asking, what's his age?

Well, what's the age?

You know, older than one, under 35.

What you just said was from, oh shit, what was that movie?

He was old enough to party?

I was at Superbad, that's what it was, when he was in the fucking convenience store talking to the cops.

How old are you?

Old enough.

Old enough to party.

All right, more UK numbers here.

We got James Graham.

James Graham.

There we go.

Anybody want it?

Call it.

Going once, going twice.

I'll talk to the bastard.

All right, Ken, your turn.

How's it going?

I'm good.

How you doing?

Good.

You know who this is.

Come on.

Is James there?

I'm sorry?

James Graham.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Ken.

Yeah, this is Ken. How you doing?

Trying to get a hold of James.

Why are you trying to get a hold of James?

Uh, yeah, we were supposed to meet up.

He was, uh, supposed to bring me some green.

I'm sorry?

He was supposed to bring me a special package, some green shit.

Who am I speaking to?

It's Ken. Come on. You know who this is.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, about four or five in the morning.

Well, James was supposed to be here a half hour ago,

and I don't appreciate him being late.

Well, for your information, James died six years ago,

so I don't really know what you're talking about.

What year would that have been?

with psychics james why does your woman tell me that you're dead where's my green

playing games you know who i am come on come on come on you know what you know what time it is

come on it's not time to be playing around what time is it come on name off the time what time

is it 6 a.m 6 a.m you sure you're still gonna bring me my stuff quit moaning in the don't

quit moaning in the phone like that you're turning me on come on what's going on hey he's gone well

i think that's it it's one o'clock in the morning and i'm going to work early tomorrow

Mars, I can leave early.

Carly, do you got to get on

Battlefield?

Yeah, I think maybe this weekend

I will. I won't play Skyrim.

I'll play Battlefield this weekend. Sounds good.

Do you know what time? Because last time

you never came on. Saturday night.

Let's do Saturday night. I don't know.

What's a good time Saturday night there?

10 p.m.? Ah, shit. I got

something to do Saturday night. I don't know.

I don't know.

We'll have to coordinate it for Sunday

Sunday night or Saturday night or something.

We'll figure it out.

All right.

Well, Richie, you're out of here on your ass.

See you later, man.

See you.

All right, Big Ken.

See you later.

Bye.

Come on.

Get out of here.

Come on.

Bye, Ken.

Tristan, you're out of here.

Okay, bye, Big Kelita.

See you later, man.

Dirty Aaron, it's been nice having you.

Thank you.

All right, yeah, thank you.

Thanks for the...

Oh, lost him.

Sorry, Dirty Aaron.

Cut him off.

He said thank you for that, that thing.

Dick Wank, Richie's friend.

thanks for being on

nice having you

bye

she's out of here

milkman it's time

it's time to get out of here

oh my goodness

my friend

it's been a wonderful evening

out there friends

and members of the

family of madhouse

I told you it was going to be a good show

thank you for being out there

that's quite a few thrilling calls there

of course

I'd like to thank all of our friends there

and in their numbers

especially the lonesome loser

our number is good man

yeah

and all I request of Frank's friends

I'd like to also thank the people

book stop by and join us uh on air and especially like to thank our friends in the chat and st3

clay all my good buddies out there so good to see you i'm sorry i can't be there to sling the chain

but i'll be back just watch i'm gonna pop in there and the chain gonna whip out boy i can thank you

that's right our listeners it's for you we do this every week for you the most interactive

fun crazy show that you could ever find on the net tickling your ear balls weekly right here

You're saying bad days, saying bad times.

Why?

Because we love you.

We drop the dime.

All we ask is that you give us the time and bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy.

You're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

But what we do without our fearless leader, that's right, the militia leader, the general

regional of the Madhouse, everybody, my brother, so much, thank God that we saved some more

lives tonight.

You are a miracle man.

Thank God.

Thank you, and thank you, Milkman.

And just to reiterate, thanks to all the request of pranks that came in, even the ones we didn't get to appreciate it.

We've got a lot of them.

Lonesome Loser, thanks for your services as usual.

Nunu, thanks for your ideas and whatnot.

Baz, it's good having you on the line.

Thanks for your numbers also.

Everybody, thank you.

That reminds me, Baz sent in some prank calls from the past, including one to Guam from like 2007, I want to say, that was mentioned in the forum.

So I'm going to play that after the outro here.

I remember those.

I'll have to do that for you.

Yeah, you have to look me up.

Don't forget to send me that link also to the Trust for Life.

Oh, yeah.

Next year, I'd like to throw out an invite to our friend over there.

It's the B-Boys, the Tank Tall Man.

I was really in the forums, man.

We love you.

No hard feelings, really.

It's, you know, no hands-on interview.

We'd be glad to have you stop by.

Got a whole new audience out here, dude.

I would love to experience you, and you've got quite a few fans all the way in Georgia.

So please stop by.

Hermano, please pick up now.

Will do.

That's Johnny Brennan of the Trekkie Boys.

He's the Beastie Boys.

All right, we're out of here.

We will catch you all next week.

I'll play that prank on the way out of here.

See you guys later.

Have a good night.

Have a good week.

See you, Milkman.

Peace.

Calls (31, 1 h 8 min of 2 h 38 min)

Transcript

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