We’re Not Playing Games

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

Why don't you piss?

I'm in the mess and moon.

You banjoed kutravecha dursut marani fwa.

What?

What kind of pleasure is this getting you?

None.

Prosecuting a disabled person.

Who the fuck is this?

The Listening House Radio Podcast.

That applause ended abruptly.

That was weird.

Hi, everybody.

Madhouse Radio.

Carlito's here.

Milkman is here.

Hey, man.

Man, I know you've got something up your...

yeah man live stream date and time live stream is way that yeah live stream is messed up i don't

understand what's wrong with the live stream guys i'm just gonna shut it off the the video

stream isn't working right you know it's a shit yeah i don't know why it should be off now it

should not be running hopefully it's not running now but uh i can't get video to work i haven't

been able to get video video to work uh for some time now a few weeks now at least i don't know

know why not that it really matters you guys what do you guys want to see me anyway you know it's

nice to have in the site but it's just not working right now it sucks sorry you know i'm working on

it i guess we're going to be video obviously probably something on their end yeah i mean

you know you've got everything set properly you know i mean it's only me if you're on the other

side the important thing is you're doing prank calls and i got that the audio working right on

the website today so that's the important thing let's concentrate on that well i am carlito your

host as i said the website is madhouse live.com as always we'll be doing prank calls tonight

taking your requests calls and concerns on aol and yahoo instant messenger madhouse radio on

aol and yahoo messenger again that's madhouse radio screen name there and if you're using

msn messenger madhouse at live.com you should be sure to follow me on twitter madhouse on twitter

just madhouse not madhouse radio not madhouse live just madhouse look i i i i don't get it man

i keep getting mentions and follows and stuff and i know and it's from people who think i'm

comedy clubs call madhouse people think i'll get like yo i'll be hosting uh someone there now is

like i'll be hosting uh you know i'll be hosting open mic night at the comedy club at madhouse

this weekend it's like come on man get it right you know there's there's there's that nightclub

called madhouse that people keep saying like i think it was ti recently it was like i'm gonna

be at madhouse like i wish ti was gonna be on the show that'd be kind of cool not that i'm a big fan

of ti the rapper um but it'd be cool you know i'd have him on i don't know what we talk about we

don't have anything in common he's a black you know and not that i don't have a great star here

your balls over the years here in the madhouse not really you know i don't know not that i don't

have a lot in common or i don't get along with african americans but he's looks like the kind

of black guy probably wouldn't like me wouldn't get along he wouldn't want to talk to me probably

wouldn't want to be nice one of those kinds of ethnics and there's a lot of puerto i'm puerto

rican myself and there's a lot of puerto ricans out there like that they they wouldn't talk to

me in public uh because they think i'm too white let's say we're not not urban enough we're not

Puerto Rican enough. And they probably don't even

speak Spanish. But so is the way of life.

Jealousy's not a

becoming, I mean, trait, my friend.

No. Anyway.

So get a hold of me, do your thing, do all

the things that you do. Why is someone

calling our Google Voice now? I don't

know. Stop that shit. Hang up now.

Where is it?

I'd have to try to find where it's at.

Back if you're free to find

time. Yeah, call later. We're just

starting the show. I don't know why you're calling now or anything.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of something.

I'm going to be bothered.

Anyway, so yeah, send in those requests to Prank Soul.

So they're over there on the main website on madhouselive.com.

Use the request to prank thing.

The request to prank machine.

That's always very helpful and appreciated as usual.

Yeah, buddy.

Anything going on?

I think they're starting to cover the beautiful thing,

the beautiful service that we've been providing you.

Yeah, we'd love to thank you on that.

Yeah, cool.

Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

Anything that I should know about that's going on out there?

Oh, dude, I don't know if you know this.

You probably don't know, but Dick Clark is dead.

No.

Did you know?

We're in the radio here.

We're in the radio business.

No, I didn't know, man.

You didn't know Dick Clark?

I know, he looked the same the whole time, didn't he?

I didn't see him the last few years that he did the ball drop, but, uh, yeah.

Yeah.

yeah well there you go dick dick clark dad dad is a doornail

why are we playing applause i'm sorry that was an accident

whoops anyway so um yeah that's

i was yesterday yesterday he died at the age of 82 yesterday he went in for an outpatient

procedure and died of a heart attack in the process

that couldn't revive him.

Whatever. Come on. Did you see the guy

in the last few years on New Year's Eve?

He was like...

He had a

stroke and he wasn't...

Right.

American Bandstand. Thank you.

Well, what else is going on?

There's other stuff we can talk about.

out when we get to it oh dude yeah one thing i wanted to mention i saw video i had heard about

it during the week i finally saw the video today um at the koachilla music festival the annual

koachilla music festival uh this year they had a hologram performing of tupac tupac and hologram

form i heard about that yeah it looks i thought it was gonna look like shit and i looked i watched

it and it looked fucking wicked man it was actually really fucking cool real yeah it was

was really weird man like watch it it's like damn that's pock you know and then snoop came out like

he did the hail mary you know he did the hail mary song and then um and then snoop comes out

i was like what's up my nigga you know and then they started doing gangster party together and

and uh and like it was really snoop it wasn't snoop hologram it was real snoop and uh the tupac

hologram and they were interacting and everything it was really wicked dude i'm telling you that

was really cool how technology is getting up there yep amazing yeah yeah i remember when

Obama got elected that election the 20 well the 2008 uh presidential election they had this

hologram thing on CNN where like they had who was it I want to say it was like Will.i.am was

in studio with Wolf Blitzer in hologram form um and he was like reporting live from one of the

celebration areas for the Obama campaign where they were waiting for the um results to come in

and he came like they they said we got will.i.am via um hologram and it looked like shit it looked

like really crappy like he was standing there in the studio with um wolf blitzer wolf blitzer

trying to talk to him it looked really stupid uh but this here looked really realistic man it was

really wicked you should check out the video it's on youtube i recommend checking it out especially

if you're a tupac fan or hip-hop fan it's been done before a few times i know the gorillas did

we put a lot of gorillas music on here anyway so we've got uh we've got a lot of requested pranks

that've come in here throughout the day today and earlier during the week starting off with

a number in indian bangalore a staff software engineer and national instruments national

instruments okay good um it is an indian number i'm i don't know if it's properly formatted here

when i pop it into skype i don't know if it's going to pick up the um country code correctly

clear or not let's see let's test it sometimes this is hit or miss and it still says us let me

try to put a plus in front of it there we go change to the indian flag so it should work i'm

a little concerned i upgraded uh the new version of skype right before the show and sometimes skype

has a bad habit of when you do an upgrade sometimes things break taking your audio drivers over yeah

it starts taking over yes hi is this national instrument machines yes i'm calling from

From International Business Machines.

IBM?

No, yes, from International Business Machines.

How are you?

Good.

Yes, my name is Cross.

Am I speaking with Ankita Jane?

Jane is my wife's name.

Okay.

Is Ritesh Bhantia there then?

Yes.

My name is Ritesh Bhantia.

Ritesh Bhantia.

Okay, perfect.

Well, I'm interested in hiring you for some work coming up soon.

Would you be liking to be an IBM man?

And you wear a suit, and you have a pair of glasses that you wear, and you wear shoes on your feet, and you can take a shower with water?

Yes.

Okay, and you get to use soap. When you take a shower, you use the soap, and you clean yourself, and you don't smell bad, and you put on deodorant?

Yes.

Okay. Where are you at right now? What part?

I'm in Bangalore.

Okay. All right, that's good. So I would like to put you on an airplane. An airplane, do you know what that is?

Yes.

The airplane is this machine that you sit in and it flies in the air?

Right.

The airplane flies in the air and it takes you to where you want to go

and you land places and you get out and you walk out of the airplane?

Right.

All right, and then you get your bags and the bags,

you put all your clothes inside the bags with the zipper and you close the zipper

and the people don't look at your underwears and your pants and your shoes

and your socks and your shirts and then you put soap inside there also

so you can take a bath when you get to the place you're going, okay?

What is this call about?

I'm offering you a job with International Business Machines,

also known as IBM.

Okay, and which part of the world are you calling from?

I'm calling from New York City in the United States of America.

Okay, what's in the United States of America, New York City, right now?

It's 10.30 p.m.

What time is it in, and where are you, Bangladesh, you said?

I'm not in Bangladesh.

Bangladesh. Bangladesh-India. Okay.

I see that here in the map. That's on the eastern part, right?

Hello? Ritash, sir?

Didn't like that. He was actually from India.

I didn't get to say bonjour to him yet.

I think he's working on losing his energy right away and doesn't respond in a proper way, sir.

I think so. I hope we get more India numbers. Indians in India.

Thank you, Athena.

Athena closing the door because Davi forced it open.

Oh, Davi.

Davi was at the vet. He was at the vet today.

day oh no look he stayed in here the one that was partying with you the other night whenever

last night chloe chloe was on the yeah when i was on the phone with you she has this thing

that we're when i'm on the phone with either milkman or my mom or something she jumps on my

lap and starts meowing into the phone so davi and davi for some reason davi doesn't like hanging

out with me all the time but for some reason thursdays he gets upset that i'm in here talking

by myself and he'll force himself inside the room here and he's sitting with me now he's just

staring at me he went to the vet today he had an annual and he was really um not happy about that

you gotta tell him if he really gets no he's on the fucking book bags man he's a dick i said you

just gotta say no book bag it's just a few words together i think you'll get a get a little flash

there i hate that god man he pissed me off i have been saving a bunch of stems and seeds from all

my pot smoking and i put him in my book bag in this container i was gonna make hash oil with it

and stuff and he fucking peed on the book bag ruined it like i i swear to god it was like

three years worth of stems and seeds i could have killed him i was like you fucker i was like

literally i was looking for the book bag to make the to make the oil i was like gonna boil this

down and make hash oil whatever you do i don't know how you make hash oil hello sir mr ritesh

What happened with the phone?

Did it disconnect?

Or did you...

I believe there was some problem with him.

Okay.

So you just decided to hang up the phone like that?

Using the one that you...

No, I was talking to you and you stopped talking to me.

I don't know.

Maybe you're not an IBM man.

You don't think you have what it takes to work for IBM?

Right.

Do you not think you're not man enough to work for IBM?

Hmm?

I don't think...

What about your wife?

Is she able?

Does she have a pretty face?

Pretty?

Does your wife have pretty face and pretty eyes and pretty lips and nice body?

Well, I'm just curious. Maybe she'd be interested in working for IBM instead of you.

Does she have a nice body? Huh?

I don't know who the heck I am.

I'm interested in your wife to work for us, to work for me. I'm a private woman.

I'm cross. I'm with International Business Machine. Huh?

Listen, are you Bhenchod? Is that what's wrong?

Are you Bhenchod? Is that what's wrong?

Are you Bhenchod? You don't know what Bhenchod is?

Well, maybe. Can I talk to your wife for a little bit then?

No, he's gone. He's gone, Milkman. He's uninteresting.

He's not very cooperative.

He doesn't sound very professional.

I don't know if he's IBM material.

He was getting really red there.

You heard him?

He's like, I do not want to talk to you.

Why are you asking these things?

Wow.

That was cool.

All right.

And guest number two says, no wonder why they hate Americans.

I know, right?

We call them.

What time is it in India?

What time is it in Bangalore right now, I wonder?

Maybe an eight-hour difference?

Maybe a nine-hour difference, you think?

It's, like, close to 13.

13-hour difference.

So it's one in the afternoon now.

He can talk.

It's fine.

He can talk.

Yeah.

But, you know, Nunu is, like, really crazy with the kicking.

Nunu, take it easy with the kicks, man.

Don't, you know.

Are they still on my chat again?

Nunu wants to kick everybody, like, crazy now, like, for little things.

Like, someone said, I'm coming in Nunu's mouth, and Nunu kicked them.

And I think that's funny.

I think it's funny that that guy said that.

whoever it was that said that you were coming in Nunu's mouth you know that's funny good for you

Nunu don't make a don't make this the kind of place where people are afraid to make fun of

each other make fun of you you know and say mean things they can say mean things about me and my

mother if they want I don't care that's fine this is chat room man Nunu don't take us to the heart

let people be stupid just as long as you're not as long as you're not like flooding the room

let people talk shit it's all right man we don't we don't want to foster we don't want

want this to be one of those chat rooms or you know you can't say anything like the twit network

chat room where you can't say anything i i make it i get banned there all the time i say dumb

shit like on the this week in radio show where i um i kept asking if they were gonna discuss

uh radio shacks quarterly earnings i kept asking are you gonna discuss radio shacks quarterly

early earnings they're like no we're not talking about that why not it's about radio i got kicked

and banned like immediately i just thought it was funny it's to be stupid uk ted said the n word now

uk ted don't say the n word that's not nice okay you will get kicked for saying the n word here

you don't call anybody nerd gregory agrees twitnet rig rooms are insane i god you can't say anything

in there i went other once and uh eileen rivera she had she had really pretty hair and i uh one

one day i said eileen your hair looks really pretty and then she actually said like oh thank

you carlito and i got kicked by the fucking mod i'm like you gotta be kidding me like i complimented

the the fucking eileen rivera who does you know the google show and runs the board she actually

was like oh thank you that was sweet of you and i got kicked out of the room i'm like wow

gee was that nunu in there running that one too no he's acting like that though

running that one in the ground yeah we don't want to make it so people don't want to come

in the chat room all right anyway moving on let's do more pranks nuna says he sent in a number well

nuna maybe i'm gonna i'm gonna ban your number how do you like that huh maybe i'll kick your

number i'll kick it out of the chat room let's see what nunu sent you know i appreciate your

help with everything really just don't go too crazy call bbc to quit your job at the bbc world

service say you're quitting because of their racism against americans really really shitty

pub in bolton england i got closed down but i think i have the owner's number it is called

the flying shuttle but people fucked up the sign for them to change it to the flying slut wow

they changed the flying shuttle to the flying slut oh the lying slut awesome

that's awesome wow all right and we got the number for that place okay cool that that might

that that that's that's there thank you the bbc noona why don't you get me the bbc number there

make yourself useful instead of uh kicking people and banning people in the chat room

why don't you uh find me the number for the bbc switchboard okay honey thank you honey i appreciate

it caress is most americans are fatter than brits that's true look at me well you can't look at me

i'll tell you the truth the reason why i stopped with the uh videos because i'm fat but i've lost

25 pounds since i started my diet i'm quite proud of that off the insulin mare milkman i told you

last night i'm off the insulin right i'm on no diabetes whatsoever yeah that's awesome not only

am i saving money but i'm not putting shit on me and and i'm not gaining weight off of the insulin

on top of the diet and then dude the insulin was making me break out i was wearing a lot of hats

lately on the show if you watch the video sort of wearing like my magic hat a lot and the pranking

hat not just for you know for looks but mostly because to hide i was breaking out these pimples

on my eyebrow,

like above,

like on the brow of my head

and my temples a lot.

And it was from the insulin.

It makes you break out really bad.

Milkman, I know...

That's the famous hat, man.

I mean, that is the famous

pranking good luck masterpiece hat.

Whenever you put that on,

like masterful things always occur.

Right.

All right, we got Michael Tata.

I think we've caught them before.

Ask him,

have you really repented

and do you know

what a born-again Christian is?

Because it doesn't seem like you care.

And how many times does a person make the same mistake?

Oh, wow.

Someone's got a vendetta against Michael Tata.

Okay.

All right.

Let's do it.

Someone really has a vendetta against this person.

So, again, Michael, we need to ask him, have you really repented?

And do you already know what a born-again Christian is?

Do you actually know what a born-again Christian is?

Because it doesn't seem you care.

And how many times does a person make the same mistake?

Five times, ten times, what goes around comes around.

Okay.

UK test is I'm so vain.

Okay.

Whatever, murderer.

The person is going to go join, be in the artillery unit and murder humans, innocent humans, civilians, for no reason.

I think that's a good job.

You can tell, you should stay at your hotel.

Don't do that.

Yes, hello, is Michael there?

Um, Eric.

Well, can we wake him up, please?

I'm asking, Colin.

This is Cross.

Pardon?

This is Cross.

May I ask you what this is concerning?

This is regarding international business machines.

Come on, come on.

Hang right up on me.

What's wrong?

Hello?

Michael?

Yeah.

Why did she hang up the phone?

Who was it?

Why did your wife hang up the phone?

Who is it?

This is Cross.

Yes, Cross.

I know who Cross is.

I understand you're a born-again Christian, right?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Do you know what that really means?

Who are you?

I'm Cross.

I don't know who you are.

I am the Cross.

Listen, I represent the International Business Machines and the Catholic Church.

211 and I'm more sleeping.

I understand, but you say you're a born-again Christian,

and i have papers here and evidence that you're not a born-again christian at all

that you're a sinner and that you're a bad person we're all bad huh we're born bad what are you

doing in bed right now are you having sexual relations i have a computer report right here

it says that you've been having sex with a woman in the bed this printout says here

when was the last time you had sexual relations tell me the truth you heard him on zippering

his pants i heard him he started thinking was that you look better than him is that like

It must have been him, man, because, like, my pants are up, dude.

I'm, like, not wearing anything, any pants at all.

I heard a zipper.

Hold on.

A person who called mailbox 7-1.

Dude.

He appeared to read his mind.

I think that alarmed him.

A person who called mailbox 7-1.

All right, that's not going to work for now.

They are on guard.

Let's put UK Ted in the line.

Let's hope he...

He's definitely not open to the word.

Let's hope UK Ted doesn't sound like shit.

Hi, UK Ted.

What a bastard, that guy.

a real jerk hanging up like

what UK Ted

hello UK Ted

he's not ready I guess whoops

why was he calling in then right Milkman

yeah he might not have his pants zipped

he was the one unzipping his pants

alright let's see what else we got here requested prank wise

let's move on oh

Oh, that reminds me.

Hey, Milkman, did you hear Mel Gibson had another crazy rant?

I heard something about that.

I wasn't sure if that was his gossip or his actuality.

No.

No, it's true.

I guess someone recorded him on the sly.

He was in some hotel in Costa Rica.

Oh, my.

Ice cream.

I heard ice cream.

Hell, yeah, man.

Let me have some.

No, I heard the ice cream man.

What was that?

I just drove by one.

Maybe that's what it was.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I heard ice cream.

I was like, wait, stop.

It always says soft children, so I like Florida.

You get extra points for hitting him.

Look, I'm not going to play.

And then you get 100 more just for going back up and retread points.

Anyway, I'm not going to play much of it.

I don't think it's very easy to hear, but he's just fucking nuts.

Listen to this.

It's off of TMZ.

My God, I love that shit.

I love Bill Gibson.

He's yelling, why don't I have a first draft of the Macabre?

See, I had downloaded a different version.

It was him cursing.

This is a version where you can hear him better, but it wasn't bleeped out.

Now they bleeped it out.

That sucks.

Let me hear one more.

That sucks that this is bleeped out.

I've got the other version.

Well, you sure have it really in, man.

I mean, the audio is so poor.

It's kind of like in person.

No, no, it's him.

No, it's proof.

The guy was really there.

And you hear it, I guess, from this conversation, you can tell.

He's saying, why don't I have a first draft for the Maccabees or whatever,

that movie that he's in or talking about or whatever,

or he's been talking about being in, something like that.

The edited version, it's low.

Like, the audio, you can't hear it as close, so you can tell it's him.

but it doesn't have the beeps.

He's like, you know, I

wake money for a cocksucker or something

like that. He's talking about that girl

that he hit, the

recorded phone calls, you know, the girl that

he supposedly hit when he was holding her, his baby

and all that. He says that he

he's like, I fucking work, you know,

and she gets all the money, he says.

I'm earning money for a filthy

cocksucker.

Yeah, it's just not making it on my

end of a power company.

probably sounds better on the screen

it didn't sound so bad

it sounds like bacon fine

does that sound like on your end

or is that just because I'm digitally on the other end

no no the guy

it was a guy

he was

I think the guy was staying in the hotel room next to him

and he just was like

he was screaming into the phone

and this guy's like

oh fuck I gotta record this

he's like I gotta record this

Phil Gibson's next door freaking out again

I didn't hear that part before

who wants to eat

who wants to fucking eat

oh gibson i love you you were such a train wreck

oh my god i'm gonna hear that part again uh there's a whole tirade ahead in person

i can't hear it stop fucking hey 10 seconds left that's it well interesting yeah yeah all the

beeping sucks though that sucks in that version i've got a better version but i don't have it

ready so too bad too bad i don't know because i'm like i said visually you know disconnected

that's definitely mel gibson man you know what mel gibson sounds like if you've heard mel gibson

rounding like a fucking yeah yeah i know i know uh ken's here hey big ken how you doing hey what's

going on that was some crazy shit i thought i was listening to some morse code there for a minute

the unedited version is much better but you can't hear it as loud um whatever but yeah he's fucking

it's still good to hear mel gibson you know back in the news did he have some stupid movie where

he had his hand up a puppet's ass and everyone

was like it's the return of the nice Mel Gibson

you know last year

he was playing some doctor who

thought that the puppet was alive

I seem to recall something along those lines

so much for that

he's just like Mike Tyson

well actually Mike Tyson's been doing really good lately

I must say for the last three years Mike Tyson's

been really cool well didn't you hear what

he said about that

Trayvon stuff going down in Florida

he was like yeah I'm surprised nobody

shot him yet he goes

I was like, they should shoot him and all this stuff.

And I'm like, wow, way to try to get somebody killed there, Mike.

But everyone else, I mean, even Spike Lee is saying that.

And every rapper in half the NFL and NBA is saying the same thing.

So, you know, it's Mike Tyson.

What do you expect?

What's he going to do?

Just take a look at that tattoo on his face.

Exactly.

And there you go.

George Zimmerman, that guy, their article just came out about an hour ago

on the Orlando Sentinel website that they're expecting him to make bail tomorrow.

so here we go again here all over again that guy's gonna get killed anyway we got a taxi number well

we got a number where we're supposed to ask for a taxi repeatedly even though this is not a taxi

company and put on a french accent okay this is in the united kingdom that's all i know somerset

we have no name because the name is not known so i don't understand but we'll do it i guess i think

this is UK Godfather

is here

let's put him on

UK Godfather

hello

no

they're there

alright they're there

anyway

Milkman you still there

alright Big Ken's there

alright let's call

this number here

let's play a song

songy song here

have you ever heard

Jay Battle

yeah a rap guy

no

can't say I have

he's like one of my

friends man

I didn't even know

this man

he's like

I gotta send you

some of it

does it go

hubba biba

bubba bubba

I'll try

again just for safety yes hello i like to make a taxi i'd like to have a taxi please you've got

the wrong number no this is the taxi people no this is the resident i am mr horse i would like

a taxi from 1600 pennsylvania avenue to your mother's cunt everybody knows that route it's

frequently visited as to when a bill clinton takes all the time or he used to and good

Come to voicemail.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to your mother's gun.

Give me a cigar and a taxi.

Oh, come on.

Take it off the hook, lady.

Put it back on the hook, rather.

Come to voicemail.

The person you have called...

Come to voicemail.

All right, one more.

Come to voicemail.

No, there.

I shouldn't have said the cunt word.

Sorry, guys.

Ruined that one.

Bristol Ambulance Control.

Ambulance booking line.

Ask for a taxi to Bristol.

Royal Infirmary from Bristol Children's Hospital.

Okay.

Okay, this is an ambulance control.

Is this another one of those things where we're going to get shit for calling the ambulance control?

Ah, fuck them.

I'm not British, so yeah, deal with it.

Thank God.

Thank God, right?

This shit would really suck.

It'd be nothing but soundboards like Nunu.

Yeah, people need to brush their damn teeth.

Ooh, that's not true anymore.

They fluoridate the water now, I think, don't they?

Fluoridize, fluoridate.

Hey, Dobby, how you doing, man?

Dobby, come here, Dobby.

Great Western Ambulance Service.

Yes.

currently experiencing a high volume of calls please hold and your call will be answered as

soon as possible you're dying fucking going home i like the idea of booking a taxi hey milkman you're

back yeah come on you know what i'm talking about when i do that milkman when you you said you like

the rap song california love by dr dre and uh tupac oh yeah man yeah that's my boy man like

Like, dude, I'm going to have to, like, email you with the figure.

Hey, that's cool.

We already got Nunu fucking in there.

Stop pranking them.

Oh, here we go.

Well, they're not picking up.

We're not pranking anybody until they pick up Nunu.

I think they're fucking pranking us, putting us on hold and shit.

Right?

It's a joke.

J-Battle, J-A-Y, or just the letter J, Milkman?

And it says J-A-Y.

Yes, J-A-Y.

Yes, J.

Battle.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make a taxi, please.

Sorry, you'd like to?

Yes, I need to book a ride as soon as possible, please.

You need an ambulance?

Where are we collecting the patient from?

I need the vehicle.

I need a taxi machine to pick me up as soon as possible.

Oh, you come through to the ambulance, don't you?

Yeah, exactly.

I need a taxi from Bristol Royal Infirmary to Bristol Royal Infirmary from Bristol Children's Hospital.

I don't understand.

You're calling for a taxi?

I'm in the hospital, and I need a taxi ride to the other hospital.

Sorry, are you a doctor?

I'm adopted? No.

No, are you a doctor?

No, no.

Who are you?

I work for International Business Machines.

Just bear with me one second.

Hello?

Oh, I can't show you guys in the cam, but I bought a box of Black & Milds.

You know Black & Milds, Ken? You ever use those?

You ever smoke those?

Yeah.

It's ten packs of Black & Milds. I got them for 25 bucks.

That's not bad at all.

Find him on the site.

on the Black and Mild website.

Hello, did you see ambulance service, the ambulance control?

Well, I'm in the hospital, and I, you know, if I'm going to ride,

I'm going to ride in the style ambulance has a lot of room,

and I can lay down in it and have a meal, have a pizza.

I don't, sorry, I don't understand why you called the ambulance service for a taxi.

Well, yes, I need a ride.

See, the taxi is a vehicle machine, correct?

Yes, we transport poorly patient.

Yeah, so I will, you know, I get to lay down and relax,

and you take me in the taxi ambulance to where I need to go.

I just want to stop at a few places on the way.

I need to stop and pick up my laundry, and then we go to the children's hospital.

I'm going to have lunch there, and then I need a return trip later on back to my house.

Quite frankly, I don't know what to say to you.

Well, do you have oxygen on this ambulance?

We do carry oxygen on the ambulance, yes.

That's why. I'd like some oxygen, too. I want to breathe it.

Who are you?

My name is Cross.

Oh, one second.

I'm Mr. Cross.

I'm your supervisor. How can I help?

Hi, lady. How are you?

Fine, thank you.

Thank you, sweetie.

Yes, I am looking for a ride to the Bristol Children's Hospital

where I will be having dinner with my wife.

And we're on the way.

We're going to stop and pick up some laundry

and run to the post office,

whatever you call it here in the UK, the post,

where you put letters in the mail for people to take

to send to the United States.

And then we'd like a ride there.

And then after we're done, we'd like a ride back

and a scenic tour of the areas.

But we're an ambulance service.

I know, so I can lay down in the vehicle.

There's a lot of space and you have medicines there in case something happens.

Where did you get this number from, sir?

From the United States Embassy.

Okay.

And where did you get this number from?

Who passed you on this number?

The doctor at the United States Embassy did.

From the United States Embassy?

Yes.

And can I take your name, please?

I'm sorry, what?

Can I take your name, please?

My name is Mr. Cross.

Okay.

Okay, and where are you at the moment?

I am at my hotel, and then in the ambulance, then I'll be able to lay down, correct?

No, we're not on an escort survey.

No, I'm not looking for...

If you needed an ambulance and there was something wrong with you, then we would be able to help.

Well, yeah, there is something wrong with me. I'm sick.

Obviously, we're not going to take you to the Bristol Children's Hospital with your wife.

Well, I mean, you don't seem to understand.

Now, you're saying an escort service. I'm not looking for a companionship.

I have a wife already.

I'm not looking for a woman to escort me for sexual services and things like that.

I'm not looking for that.

How dare you?

I demand an apology.

No, I'm saying if you're wanting...

There's nothing wrong with you.

You have no injuries.

You're not unwell.

I am unwell.

I have a problem.

What problem do you have, sir?

I make harassing phone calls too much.

Right, so in that case, then we'd need to help.

So, have you got psychiatric problems?

I do.

I do, but see, the most important thing is that I want to be able to lay down in the ambulance in the bed with my wife in the back.

Right, so where is your wife now?

I haven't seen my wife for the last few days now, since they left me here.

Right, where are you at the moment?

I'm in the hotel.

Which hotel are you in, sir?

The Hotel Bristol.

Yeah, there's quite a few hotels in Bristol.

It's called the Hotel Bristol.

bristol right well sir i mean as you've already said you know you may you make harassing calls

okay so why are you calling the ambulance service now oh no this is for a legitimate reason i need

to go to the hotel with my wife for dinner yeah but you're saying you haven't seen your wife for

a few days now so no she's due here in a few hours well do you want to wait for your wife to

arrive no no she said to make sure that this is taken care of right well well because if it's not

She's going to get upset.

The best way to get to the Bristol Children's with your wife would be to order a taxi.

No, but we can't lay down in a taxi.

But you don't need to lay down, do you?

I do.

With my wife, I do.

We lay down together.

Right, but your wife's not even with you at the moment.

Well, when she is.

We wouldn't provide you with an ambulance just so that you and your wife could lie down in the back of it.

Well, that's the plan.

When she's here, I'm not going to be able to keep my arms, my hands off her, my lips touching her.

I'm not going to be able to keep my hands on my lips and everything off of her, you know?

I'm going to be in love.

I'm going to be in a state of love with my wife.

Right.

Well, that isn't something we can help you with, is it?

You're better to stay in the hotel.

Well, what else kind of vehicle can I lay down in?

Well, you don't need to go into a vehicle, do you?

If you're going to meet your wife in a few hours and you're going to have dinner together,

you can do all that in the hotel and you can lie down on the bed there.

No, we don't want to stop.

Like, we're going to do this when we're having dinner.

or are you even going to lay down and eat dinner together on the floor and everything and kiss and touch?

Right, so I actually think that at the moment, obviously, you're abusing the ambulance service, aren't you?

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to hang up.

If you have a real emergency, then call us back on 999.

Okay, my foot hurts. I need an ambulance.

Yeah, but the address you're giving me, there isn't an address.

I mean, there isn't a Hotel Bristol.

It's 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

That isn't in Bristol, is it? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Washington, D.C.

Yeah, unfortunately, I can't send an ambulance to America.

Oh, do you have any recommendations?

What you need to do is call, obviously, if you're a senior in the Hotel Bristol,

you can't be in Washington and Bristol at the same time, can you?

Well, I'm on my way back to the Hotel Bristol from Washington.

Right, well, that's going to take quite a few hours, isn't it?

It's going to take you about 10 hours to get from Washington to Bristol.

Not very much, no.

I'm laying down in the hallway.

Right, I'm going to end this call now.

All right, when you need an emergency, then call 999.

What's 999?

Thank you.

Hello, please?

Okay, there you go.

UK Ted, you have some kind of problem?

You're here.

I don't know, but Nunu sure as fuck does.

What's he doing?

What's his problem?

Storm like normal.

Who cares?

So what if we're calling that place?

Who cares, Nunu?

This is his last quote in the chat room.

Nunu, don't prank ambulance.

Piss ass balls.

It's a private ambulance company, Nunu, for God's sake.

It's a private fucking company.

We're not calling emergency services.

They've got ambulance companies here in the States that are private companies, like America

Ambulance, and they don't necessarily operate, they don't have EMTs on there and life support.

They just provide services for, you know, old and infirm people from the nursing home

to a doctor's office and back.

Yeah, they'll transfer them back and forth to different facilities.

Yeah, because they have to be on a stretcher, you know, so they'll take them, you know,

to a doctor's appointment and bring him back,

but they have to have oxygen

and be in a stretcher the whole time,

so they take the ambulance.

That's all I'm going to do.

We're not doing anything bad.

We're not calling your 999 here, okay?

God, seriously.

Give it a program.

UK Ted, what's going on?

He's not saying anything.

I'm getting ready to drop him off.

Why are you calling and using up my bandwidth

and not saying anything, UK Ted?

He's typing in chat,

but he isn't saying anything over voice.

He dropped off himself.

I was kind of harsh with him.

Another person that dropped off is Milkman during that call.

Let's call him back.

Milkman drops off the call a lot.

You know that?

I think he's getting another blowjob.

He had to hang out.

Yeah, he's getting a blowjob from that black rapper.

You notice I didn't specify if it was male or female.

Yeah, I know.

Blowjob's a blowjob, though, man.

It doesn't matter.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

As long as they're not nicking you with the teeth.

Even though I had a girl once where she'd use her teeth a little bit sometimes.

It actually felt kind of good.

Raging war in the chat room.

Is he kicking people?

Okay.

Nobody's about to kill everybody.

Milkman.

All right.

Hey.

Okay, darling, you have a good night.

Good night.

All right, go back.

Let me know what you think.

All right, I will.

See you.

Hey, man, what's going on, bro?

Later, man.

Bye.

Hey.

I lost you, man, but I heard part of that.

Nene needs to quit fucking whining, dude.

We're not going to have to talk about this situation here in the chat room, you and I.

So we're going to have a board meeting here.

He doesn't even offer his vocal resignation or confirmation that he can have a foot out.

Like Tuck mentions, 999 is 666 upside down.

That's a good point, Tuck.

You know what?

Tuck, very good point.

Think about that, guys, before we get all bent out of shape about this whole thing.

Good point, Tuck.

Let's talk to Tuck.

All the bankers get it.

Besides that, it's the U.K. anyway, so what does it make a fuck anyway?

We want funny calls in the U.K. We're giving them them so quick.

You always want the UK call, so there you go.

All right, Nunu wants us to call the BBC.

Let me try to extend an olive branch here to Nunu.

A BBC call here for you guys.

He wants us to call the BBC and quit our job at the BBC World Service.

Okay.

I don't get it, but okay.

Oh, didn't I call once from BBC Radio World Service saying there was a riot in New York

and it was caused by a blasted wind from Harris-Turns-Asshole?

I remember now.

Or there was a fire in New York City.

Hello

Yes, hello

I'm calling in order to quit my job from the BBC World Service

Who would I need to speak to about that?

Wanting to what, sorry?

Work for the BBC World Service

Right

And I'm quitting my job

Okay

So I want to report this

And I want it reported on the BBC Radio

And BBC One

Okay, do you have a contact name within the BBC that you can speak to?

I want to speak to the gay guy on the fourth floor

You know, she's not ever mean to me anymore

She used to be

Switch parts

Yes, can you please put me through to the homosexual on the fourth floor?

The what, sorry?

The homosexual on the fourth floor. I would like to make a report to him.

The telephone number?

For the homosexual?

It's for our human resources department.

But I already have a job there.

Then you should know who to speak with?

Well, here's my question now. If I speak to human resources, can I make a complaint about an employee?

You can indeed.

Would I need to have their name?

No, just the department.

What is your department?

Switchboard.

And your name?

the name back and give a reference number uh all right because i'm gonna write why don't you just

complain because you hung up the phone twice on me on purpose no no the line went dead the first

time what did i hear a click the first time went dead yes and the second time when i called in and

you hung up because i don't know can't answer that one for you okay but my computer i you know i have

a computer here that can tell me whether or not you hung up or went dead okay fair enough okay

would you like me to run that test no let me see tell me now yeah it says disconnected by other

end okay whatever you say right here what's your operator number it's three nine five one one three

nine five one switchboard and you're the you're the lesbian that works on the switchboard i am

yeah okay can you put me as human resources open now no no why are you offering to put me through

no one's there because you'll have to wing on normal hours i'm not i'm not i'm not putting you

through i'm giving you the number no you can ring on normal hours i don't write down numbers like

like that when i call i get people on the phone and take care of things i don't care if you have

to pull someone out of a meeting is someone in the meeting is that why no get them out of the

meeting and have them talk to me no who's your supervisor who's in charge there i am at the

moment you're a woman and you're in the supervisor what's that is that a problem for you it's it's a

problem for the bbc switchboard yeah it's a why is it why is it because woman not this good as

woman as man when it comes to working do you have a problem with women i do with women who

Who think they know how to work the telephone and don't know how.

Yep, and I exactly know what to do with the telephone.

Do you have a computer?

If your computer knows how to disconnect, then I will disconnect this call.

Wait a minute.

Because I do believe that you're just a newsman's caller.

Okay, wait a minute.

Do you know what the subnet mask is for a slash 24 computer network?

You

don't, do you, honey?

Because you're a woman.

You don't know.

Come on, tell me.

What's the subnet mask for a slash 24 network?

You don't know.

Is this call going anywhere?

Because really, it's really irrelevant to me right now.

Well, yeah, of course it's irrelevant, because it's information, it's about computers and technology, and you're a late woman, you should be...

What's that got to do with it?

That's not part of my job, that's not part of my job, so I don't need to answer that one.

How hard was it for you to get...

I'm talking to you like this, it's not my job either, so...

Okay, how hard was it...

Either take the number for human resources or disconnect this call for me.

I'll take the number, but how was it you got the job away from the cafeteria, the kitchen, and you started working on the phone?

The telephone number you need to ring...

Uh-huh, yeah, stupid.

Stupid.

It's plus 44.

Stupid.

203.

Horse.

208.

Horse.

9013.

And I would appreciate it if you didn't contact this number again.

I will contact again because you haven't taken care of my problem.

I've took care of your problem.

I think you need to tell somebody about your problem.

Your problem.

My problem is I need a sandwich.

Will you please go to the kitchen where you belong and make it for me?

I like to.

Are you serious?

Yes, make a sandwich.

Do you know what year it is?

It's obviously a very horrible year in the UK

When women are answering the phone like this

And think they're in control

No, we are in control

It's people like you that are in control

Okay, let me tell you

Sandwich with ham and cheese

A little bit of lettuce

Toasted bread

Do you have a job?

What's your job?

Yes, I work with computers

I work for international business machines

Do you really?

I thought you worked for the BBC

So why can't you get your life straight?

I quit my job, remember?

You see, you don't even

So what are you phoning for?

Typical woman doesn't even take down notes.

What are you phoning for?

And doesn't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm calling to report.

No, you don't know what you're talking about.

I think you are phoning from some mental institution

and that you don't know what you want.

You're the second person tonight to accuse me of that.

Well, why are you phoning at this past o'clock in the morning?

To quit my job.

In the United Kingdom.

I start my job tonight at midnight with International Business Machines.

Do you really?

I did.

Do you?

All right.

Well done.

Congratulations.

Well, write that down, please.

Do you know how to write down things?

I'm not writing down either.

No.

It's too intelligent to write things down.

How much for the sandwich, honey?

How much for the sandwich?

The sandwich you're going to make?

Make me a good sandwich.

This is irrelevant.

You're going to make me a good sandwich, honey.

You're pathetic, really, aren't you?

Make me a nice, good sandwich and a nice glass of milk.

No.

Because you're not worth it.

You do a good job, honey.

I'm not?

Yeah, and you fold my underwear and my clothes for me, too.

Are you a sick pervert?

No.

You are.

I'm not telling you to touch me and things like that in the private parts.

That's exactly what you're telling me to do.

To fold my clothes and underwear and make me a sandwich with a glass of milk?

You sure have a twisted thing.

You know, oh, I'm sorry.

You don't know where babies come from?

The penis goes in the vagina.

That's where the baby comes from.

That's how it happens.

Okay, then.

You don't get it from eating a sandwich.

Here's the deal.

Here's the deal, right?

Here's the deal.

Y'all are not job.

Y'all are not job, and I'm disconnecting this call.

I love you.

Here's the deal.

You should have busted the white devil out on her and just said, I want my sandwich.

Where's my sandwich?

That was fun.

Sounds like she was getting off a little there during the call.

Yeah, I heard that.

I was going to say that, too.

I think she likes being roughed up a little bit.

She likes a man to rough her up.

She said she knew what to do with the phone.

She puts her phone on vibrate.

You know what I'm saying?

Milkman dropped again like a shit.

So UK Ted dropped about 65 times

During that call

He kept coming back and going

Just give it up UK Ted

It doesn't work

Just go to Afghanistan

UK Ted get with us when you get back from Afghanistan

Okay

The switchboard just now hung up

We're still online

I lost you bro

Every time I go on the other

I called you as soon as the phone call was done

Yeah I was trying to get back on

and I could not hear you.

Oh shit, now what?

What? What happened?

I think you're...

Okay, let me...

Hold on.

Alright, live and direct,

Milkman is getting pulled over right now

and is going to get an anal probe.

Milkman's getting pulled over.

He doesn't have a valid license, guys.

I don't know if you guys knew that,

but he doesn't.

I'm not kidding you.

His license is suspended.

This could be interesting.

He better keep that phone out

so he's got some witnesses

in case some shit goes down.

Milkman, take that off of mute.

We want to hear.

oh shit

this is where we need the breaking news shit going right now

here we go

we'll hang on and see if Milkman gets arrested

you can get out of a ticket

if your license is suspended

that got pulled over once where my license was suspended

and I knew about it

but I acted like I was like what

like

it was a ticket I hadn't paid

and I knew it I couldn't afford it

and the cop pulled me over and was like

when's the last time you had a ticket

and I said about 6 months ago

why

and he's like well your license is suspended i'm like what he's like yeah i was like no way man

come on i i took a class and i took that paid the ticket i took the class and i don't know i don't

know what you're talking about he let me go they in florida at least they they can give you driving

with license suspended without knowledge and if that happens they let you go i had something

similar up here happened uh my license was suspended i knew about it and all that but uh

And I was going down the road.

Never seen any cops down this fucking road.

And, of course, I'm sitting there speeding and shit.

And I zoomed past this cop.

And I pulled over and waited for him.

He comes back around.

I told him straight up.

I'm like, yeah, my license is suspended.

I'm going to work.

He actually still let me off.

No kidding.

He's like, you knew about it?

I'm like, yeah.

And I was like, I was heading to work.

And he's like, all right.

And I had one of my family members come pick up my car.

And he just fucking let me go without a ticket, too.

Wow, that's cool.

Yeah, this cop, he let me.

he said don't drive your car

because if I catch you or someone else sees you

they're going to take you away

I was at a gas station

he was actually kind of cool about it

but I had like a ton of weed in the car

I think I was coming back from buying weed

I just bought like an ounce

what's even shittier up here though is

you get pulled over for those offenses here in Michigan

they got what's called driver responsibility

so if you get pulled over with a

suspended license they fucking make you

pay $500 a year

year for the next two years as a fine just to keep your fucking license that's for dark that's

ridiculous holy shit man they hit you for a dui it's uh a thousand dollars a year for two years

so you get hit for two grand just to keep your license wow see but then i got i got pulled when

i got pulled over though it was just for um like my light i didn't even know that my front light

in the car one of my uh lights was out i didn't even know so he's like do you even know why i

pulled you over like no i was like yeah your light's out like oh man i mean if i would have

known i told him like i mean like the auto parts is like right next there i was like i'll go to the

auto parts now and fix it he's like yeah shut down yeah that's where i'm going man i'm going

to get me a fucking light to fix that yeah yeah i know i know i didn't tell him the truth either

when i was doing that would have been oh i just came back from my boys i was buying weed yeah

i don't deal with that anymore no more weed smoking hey it's 4 20 tonight you're not even

even midnight tonight. 30 minutes

away or so here in

the East Coast. Yeah, we're celebrating my birthday

here. Come on Saturday. It'll be pretty good.

Well, good. Happy birthday.

421 for you. Awesome.

Oh, I used to get that shit all the

time because me and my friends would always go

out like the day before and went and played

laser tag one time. This guy's like,

enjoy the rest of 420.

Aren't you just a clever fuck? Right.

Aren't you fucking nice?

Fucking cool. That's kind of cool.

Dude, laser tags are shit.

uh let's connect tucker mike here we haven't talked to tucker mike in a while

mike tucker fuck you tucker mike what the fuck you want fuck you want mike tucker

he won't would you will you go you know there's someone on playstation i'm stopping you there's

someone on my playstation list whose little um whose status on the playstation network is what

the fuck you want mike tucker i don't know if i ever told you that that was uh about a month or

so ago. Is it still going on?

That meme? That crazy

meme? Well, he changed it now

to How Much Are Your Spaces?

I think it's Klossos.

I forget who it is out there, but

I logged in to play Skyrim and I was like

what the fuck you want, Mike Tucker?

I'm kind of digging the little quote here on the

Madhouse page right now.

I'm going to drag you by your hair to the jail stairs.

Everyone get a random one.

Yeah, that's

Reclude got that from the

The Junk Busters.

The Junk Busters, yeah.

I've got to put that down.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

I've got to add that there.

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

You know, you don't give me alerts anymore when a show is on,

so I never know it's Thursday night.

No, you don't get them.

Hey, Chuck, you got anything down there?

Hello, Janet Morris.

Sorry.

All right.

What's all that?

We're watching...

Oh, no, that was who it was.

They're saying hi to you.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Do you have a good mic in the house?

Yeah, watch a family feud back there?

We're talking to you.

All right.

Ask Mike if you have a good mic.

Are we talking to your TV, or are you talking to us, or what's the deal?

Mic's on.

Stop.

Wow.

Somebody's having some fucking technical difficulties.

They're celebrating 420 a little early.

Probably UK Ted in the next room at the hotel.

Hey, Janet, can I borrow your internet real quick?

Yeah, let us talk to the Spice Channel, man.

That'd be cool.

Yeah, let's talk to the Spice Channel.

See if they send anything back.

Get all 1997.

Alright, we got

We got the

What's the waiver lines?

What is the

NHS office? What is that?

Is that a British, is that 911

services there in Britain, too?

Oh, I don't know.

Is that the National Health Service or something?

Is that like the socialized medicine there?

You may have to...

National Health, maybe?

Something boogie-boogie?

I don't know.

Anyways.

Tucker Bridge person.

I don't know.

Only one way to know is to give it a call.

Give it a call.

See if Nunu goes fucking nuts.

They tell us...

Let's watch the chat room, as you call it.

Milkman, you with us yet?

Are you arrested?

I think Milkman's getting arrested tonight, guys.

Probably got his pants around his ankles at the moment.

I won't take you in, but you gotta pick this call.

Is he still with his four-year-old girlfriend?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Don't say that.

Yeah, they're going to get you.

They're monitoring you.

We're tracing this call. We trace every call.

Illuminati's going to get you.

They got Tupac.

Now he's a hologram.

Yeah.

That's the first sign.

They turned him into a hologram.

New world order. Read my lips.

New world order.

Oh, God. Fuck that shit.

I read a couple articles

there where people were at that concert

and thought that hologram was a

Tupac look alike, and they were just fucking

tripping balls out there.

Some people thought it really was. They didn't know

that it was Tupac. Like, oh my god, Tupac

came back! They're like, flip it out.

He lives! I told you he was alive!

I told you. He made his comeback.

Alright.

We got a number for Policeman. I don't think we're calling

Policeman.

Sorry. Policeman!

Policeman!

Please call me. I'm lonely.

Please call me a Policeman.

yeah i don't think we're calling policemen uk ted sends in this is number for a certain gay hotel

and gay bright in uk the night manager is a murderer apparently and he has shitty internet

call him and make fun of him uh someone sent in a number from uk ted i think uh did you get a

chance to check out that podcast i recommended no i i added it to um my feed list i added it to uh

my server

program. The program I have on my server

that downloads podcasts. So it's in my

rotation here. And it's also

on my Android phone. I added the feed

to my Android phone

podcast app and it's downloaded three

episodes. But I have

not had a chance. I haven't

listened to much. I've been really busy at work this week.

It's crunch time here for us.

Twice a year

it's crunch time at my job. And this is

the first crunch time this week.

Crunch time.

All right, so does UK Ted want us to call him, I think?

Let me see.

Hang on.

What do we call him?

I don't know, his phone.

He gave us a phone number.

I'll get back to that.

Let me do some more pranks for us, UK Ted.

I don't want to type the lines too much.

We got Milkman here, too.

You know, he's getting arrested, so we want to...

Yeah, we want to keep that open.

We want to keep that open just in case he needs to call in,

needs us to bail him out or something.

All right.

We got a number in Spokane.

Again, Todd Rima, yet another found on Facebook, not confirmed.

I guess he gave his phone number out on Facebook.

Guessing this might be jealousy following was last message eight days ago.

What, Dobby?

What do you want?

You're not going outside now, okay?

You stay here.

You insistent on coming inside the room?

You stay here.

He's meowing at his shadow.

Dumb cat.

Stupid cat.

You know what's funny?

He got a stick up his ass today for a fecal exam.

It was funny.

Thanks.

Hey, Keith.

This is Todd Rima.

Give me a call and I'll give you the phone number.

that's the message on facebook okay cool well let's do it uh everybody next call of the night

if i can get it to paste i cannot get it to paste come on oh man you're back yeah i'm here you got

a ticket no no you got a finger in the back hey either i didn't hear the phone or is he the

message well go fuck yourself go fuck yourself thanks for the little bit of a sushi a little

Either I didn't hear the phone ring

Or I'm busy

Or I'm fucking

Or I'm sleeping

Or like it's on silent

Or I'm at work and I can't answer it

It could be a lot of things

It's so cool to be a douche because it's a trendy thing to be

So I'm going to be a douche because it's cool

Oh shit

What now Milkman?

Are you getting pulled over or are you upset about Tuck?

No I'm getting calls

I get like fucking five different calls

I'm trying to drive and I want you to pick him up at once

you know

I mean

I get like

five people

calling at once

oh man

I juggle all the calls

and drive

well yeah

you gotta get

one of those

phones you can

hit a button

are you a popular guy

or is someone

from the show

finds your number

and teaches a calling

what

is this work stuff

or is this

someone bothering you

no no no

people want rides

man

you know

I make money

doing that shit

oh ok

when I want to ride

I pick them up

but they all

call at once

and I gotta like

stop what I'm doing

and it's this call

and then I'm on the line

with Dave

and as soon as I hang up

somebody else calls

and they don't want to

ride with me

and then I'm stuck

on the phone with you

and I'm wishing

we were

alright

let's

what'd you say

uh oh

here we go

god damn

hello

oh shit

are you talking to us

or your ride

you're fair

I'm talking to you

I couldn't understand

I can't

I don't know

what you're saying man

but I repeat it

We're calling Godfather's Pizza

Take it easy

What's going on man

Are we talking here

We're doing a prank

Jessica can I help you

This is Godfather's Pizza

This is the pizza that's owned by the crazy black guy

That ran for president

You know the black man that ran for president

Chalk crazy

Yeah it's owned by the black guy

that ran for president remember his name no you know he's not he doesn't own us he was a ceo for

a little while but he's not anymore yeah but he he said he he took his shirt off and he was running

in traffic and everything they had him on tv okay he was running around saying they're gonna kill me

i don't know what you're talking about yeah martin lawrence no i do you want to order some pizza

we've got yeah what specials do you have okay um you can buy any large pizza at regular price and

and get a second one of equal or lesser value for $6.99.

Do you do delivery there?

We do.

Okay.

The delivery guys, are they cool?

Well, yeah.

Do you think I could talk to them?

They're on deliveries right now.

Is there one there now I could talk to?

Nope.

Can you have one call me?

No.

Is there anybody in the kitchen I could talk to?

I'm in the kitchen.

Oh, cool.

So you're cool then.

Are you cool?

You're down?

I'm just trying to do my job.

Yeah, I hear you, man.

man that's yeah so it's like it's 4 20 and like i'm new to town and i can't find anything so i

know like you know pizza people you know it's real common so my friend said to give you guys

a call and one of the delivery guys there maybe or someone in the kitchen could help me out so

that'd be cool so okay can i get an onion or you want just an onion pizza no well is that what it's

called is that how you i don't know is that the code for it no there's no what are you talking

talking about do you want do you want to order pizza for delivery or not because i have other

stuff that i have to do yes that's what it's called yeah pizza with herbs on it you know

no you know what i mean onion no we don't we don't do that well you just said it's a code

that you have it no we don't have any code words for any special pieces oh come on sorry all you

please what about the delivery guy no come on please i'm the person who makes the pizzas i

I would know.

Who's the one that does that stuff?

Nobody does that stuff here.

Seriously?

None of the drivers do?

Is there a driver doing there any second now?

Bitch Bogart and all the weed for herself.

Yeah, none of the drivers there do any.

I think Milkman got mad at you, Tuck.

I don't know why.

You know how he is.

Why is he like that?

I'm in a silly mood.

And somehow Milkman is like silly moods.

Watch if I call him, but he doesn't pick up.

No, they don't.

All right, you act like you don't hear.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

I will enjoy the-

Why do you do that? Why do you hang up like that?

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

You guys want to fuck around, fuck around.

I ain't going to sit here and play games.

I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

You know, I'm not doing it, man.

I'm not playing these games.

We're just messing with you.

You know that, man.

If you fucking need it, I won't do it.

We're just messing with you.

That's all.

Huh?

You don't have to be upset.

We're just messing with you.

You don't have to be like that.

I'm not in the messing mood.

I never am in the mess.

You know that.

Alright, so.

All right, fine.

Well, we're going to be like that, fine.

Yeah, I'll be like that.

If you guys want to fucking play games, play games.

I'm not playing games.

All right, well, just sit here and have a good conversation, then.

Well, what the fuck was you guys saying?

I don't know if it was at you or it was at somebody else.

What was it?

I could not understand.

I don't even know who it was.

I don't know.

What was it?

Well, then you need to control your fucking voice box there, your fucking Skype, whatever

the fuck you're using, man.

I don't want to deal with it.

Well, I ended the show.

We're not even doing the show anymore now, so forget it.

All right, well, that's good, then.

because if you can't control it, dude, it ain't worth being on the air.

Fine.

Fucking calamity, it's bullshit.

All right, fine.

No one likes that shit.

No one wants to hear a bunch of people talking, 10 people at once.

All right, well...

Nobody wants to hear that.

That's not even fucking good radio, period.

All right.

And, you know, and I guess...

You got a point.

You're right.

Remember we had this discussion since we started this years ago?

People on the air, and we'd get all these problems

because everybody's talking at once.

Now people, like, can take a turn, you know,

and this whole talking bit one starts up.

It's no fucking fun.

I don't like it.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Other people don't like it either.

Listeners don't like it either.

They're told it by other people.

Write that down.

Because this is not something on the air, which is not supposed to be...

The person you have called is unavailable.

I didn't know you felt that way, Mark, man.

I'm sorry.

I thought...

Well, I'm going to get off here, man.

I'm not playing no games, dude.

This is not supposed to be something we discuss on air, man.

I thought you were happy.

This is something we're supposed to discuss in the fire.

Well, bye, Mark.

He's upset.

Last three weeks...

He was chipper as fuck.

I don't know what happened this week.

I don't know, man.

That's, uh...

I think he was getting a little something the last couple weeks, so I think...

He's rollercoaster.

He goes up and down.

Smooth swings.

Yeah, he's got...

He's got a problem with the chem...

He's got chemical imbalance.

Yeah.

He's not happy.

I think you just need a Charlie to call him a son of a bitch or something.

I guess so.

Hello!

Hey, Ted.

Hi!

Don't talk like that.

Milkman will get upset at you if we're talking.

Hey, Ted.

You, uh...

Could have been...

Hello, you

Who is this?

I am Mr. Camel

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Elephant

You're Mr. Elephant?

I thought you were Mr. Monkey

Or Mr. Ulu Kapata

Get the fuck out of here, man

I don't have anything to do

Go fuck your mom

Get off, you asshole

Fuck your mom, you cunt

How was that, anyway?

Doesn't matter

It doesn't matter anymore.

Probably not.

It was a milkman.

Best you don't know.

Carlito's going to get in trouble anyway.

Well, I know you're there, you muggy.

Drop him.

Anyway, that was good.

That Indian guy was nice and rockety.

I don't know what that means.

What's up with milkman?

Why is he a very angry man now?

I don't know.

He gets upset for talking too loud and talking over him.

It's why sometimes I'm here

And sometimes I'm not

Because I get fired every other couple of months

The last time you two were on together

He was like saying I like Hot Buddies

And Hot Buddies is good

And man I like you Tuck

I get my dick sucked I like you Tuck

Next day I'll fuck this shit

This is a prank call show

I like assholes

This is a prank call show

And I'm not fucking around

I don't like assholes

I don't like to play

Yeah, I'm not playing any fucking jokes here

I don't like to play games

That's why I told him, alright, let's just sit here and have a conversation

He got mad

He turned red, and he's like

So who are you voting for?

Can you imagine how Nunu would explode in the chat room

If we did that?

We had a show where we just talked about shit

That was a basketball game

Oh yeah, I get all the shit when I talk about basketball

How fast are you driving right now, Milkman?

Be honest, come on

god i'm not gonna talk to milkman tomorrow he's gonna lecture me about how

hello kazi is that gonna help you yes hello ulu i would like to make an order please

you want to order something to go food yes yeah what you want it's gonna go in my mouth

what uh-huh i'd like to make an order for pilau rice one pilau rice two chicken tikka masala

one pilau rice one chicken tikka masala how spicy no two chicken tikka masala and the same spice

Very spicy, ten.

Okay, hot and so hot.

Anything more for you?

Three tandoori raj.

Three tandoori what?

Raj.

I don't understand, sir.

Tandoori what?

Do you have tandoori chicken?

Yes, we do.

Okay.

Raj.

Uh-huh, all right.

Tandoori naan.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Four naan breads.

Okay, plain naan?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Five papadums.

Five order of papadums?

Uh-huh, five orders of papadums.

Okay, five orders of papadum.

Six diet Pepsi.

What?

Six diet Pepsi.

Six diet Pepsi, okay.

And one bhenchod.

What?

One bhenchod.

I don't understand, what?

Bhenchod.

Hey, hello, hello.

How are you?

I want to talk to the chef immediately, please.

I found a rubber band in my chicken tikka masala and I'm very angry.

No, I need to talk to the chef immediately.

Make it happen.

No, Chef doesn't talk here to the customers.

He doesn't?

You have to talk to the receptionist.

Yeah, you have to order.

You have a receptionist?

Put me through immediately to the receptionist.

Okay, we don't want to do your order, sir.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

Do you have a man that you kiss at night in the bed?

I am the manager.

We don't want to do your order, please.

Now, what about at night?

Do you sleep in the bed with a man?

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Do you sleep in the bed with a man?

Eh, dear.

God damn it, women wearing the man pants.

Guys, remember what Milkman said.

Don't talk over, you know.

There's an order.

Okay.

An order of things.

Nobody liked that bullshit.

I forgot.

I don't want that bullshit.

We're not here for fucking games, are we?

We're playing the game.

That's it.

This is serious business.

I think that quote should go on the website.

I think that quote's gross.

I'm not here to play games.

Hello?

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Ulu.

Uh-huh.

Is this Mr. Ulu?

Sorry?

Is this Mr. Ulu?

I'm sorry, you got the wrong number.

Oh, is this Indian food?

I have to make an order.

To go?

Yes.

Call us a while back ago?

No, no, this is an order for now.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You got any orders for me today?

Why not?

Can I speak to your sister again?

I want to talk to her

How she kisses a man in the bed

Please

Very dirty man

Oh he's keeping her all to himself

I'm having my sister

Sister come in front of me

Why is Tucker Mike the biggest box

In my Skype window

Why does it make him so big

And everybody else so small

He's just a bad motherfucker

That's right

That's why I piss everyone off

I'm a big cheese man

My biggest box

That's me

That's right

You've got a big box

That's true

And thanks for pointing that out too Ted

What the fuck are you talking about boxing

What are you talking about

I don't think Milkman's happy

He's sending me an angry message

He says that he's upset

It's box too big

He's going to have to edit all this out of the show

So he doesn't know any better

Yes, that's you.

Oh, yes.

That's what he lets people ride

in the passenger seat of his cab.

He said he will. I asked him that once.

I don't know why he's acting like that.

We had a nice conversation yesterday.

He said he's listening and

he says he's upset and he doesn't want to listen

to the show anymore.

I don't know why he's acting like that.

I don't know what I did.

Milkman, if you're listening,

UK Ted will blow you

if you keep listening.

me it's on the uk part yeah he's got to get to the uk good evening yes i'd like to make an order

please for the milkman the milkman is upset and we're sad we're here to make an order for food

hello yes the milkman is sad and we'd like to make an order for food for him please well can we make

an order he's not here understanding of the situation well tuck was there talking you know

I'm talking loud in the call, like usual.

You're on mute, all right?

You know, Tuck, you do talk over a call sometimes, a lot of times.

I'm not here to joke around.

I know.

Hello?

Ah, they hung up.

I'm cooperative, bitch.

Which one was that, Taj Palace?

Let me see here, 420.

How's your hockey doing there, UK?

I mean, America Ted, how are you doing?

Oh, my God, I'm America.

I'm America Ted.

How's it going?

Hockey good?

Yeah, still playing roller and ice.

Not particularly really good at either one, but I still play.

Good for you, man.

What are you, a wing?

What are the positions in hockey?

It depends which team it is.

I'm on, like, three different teams.

Leg, wing, maybe a thigh, a breast.

Noo-noo Milkman is not a KVK.

Hey, I have to call you back to do it all because we're in the baseball game.

What are you talking about?

I'm trying to make an order, stupid.

Huh?

I'm making an order, stupid.

Are you at the game with your wife?

No.

Are you with your girlfriend?

Yep.

This is your wife's boyfriend.

Trying to figure out...

Very nice, very nice.

So I wanted to get together to meet up at the game

because I'm with your wife now

and we just left Arby's.

We had this special.

He hung up. He didn't like that.

No, no, I'm at the baseball game.

What are you talking about?

I'm at the baseball game.

Carlito, your mic kind of fiddled out there at the beginning of the call.

Yeah, that's why I jumped in, because I couldn't hear Carlito anymore.

Yeah, you're hearing a little bit.

Oh, I unplugged it.

Yeah.

Oops.

It's fiddling out a little bit.

Fiddling out.

There it goes.

Oh.

I don't think there's going to be an answer here, so we'll look at Garam Masala, Indian.

Please leave me a message, Q.

Aw.

Very cute.

Very, very cute.

We're rangers.

Let's go.

What the fuck?

I don't know. What do the youngins watch these days?

It's like Power Rangers Samurai. It's like the 16th fucking installment of that shit.

Yeah, there's a new Power Rangers because my nephew, he's five, and he keeps saying he wants to cut my hair off with a Power Rangers sword.

Yeah, Si, I'd like to make an order, please, for a sword.

And delivery and pickup.

For pickup.

Yes, sir.

Now, if it's delivery, is it a boy that comes or a girl?

Oh, delivery and sword. It's a two-day delivery off.

What?

Two-day delivery off.

You don't do delivery now?

No, I'm leaving.

So, what did you ask?

Just only pick up.

Okay, so pick up only then.

Alright, fine.

Okay.

I have to make an order, please, for one tandoori.

Lamb curry?

Uh-huh.

Okay, lamb curry.

Two pop...

Spicy?

Yeah, spicy.

Two papadums.

Okay, two papadums.

Uh-huh.

And?

Three sisters.

Sorry?

Three sisters.

Sister?

Sister, yes, uh-huh.

I'm sorry, sister.

I don't understand sister.

Do you have sister?

No.

Do you have a mother?

Yes, father.

No, no, no, not my father, your mother.

Me, father?

Yes, your mother.

Can you have her ready for me, your mother, for me?

No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm just saying.

I want to look at your mother, look at her face and her hair and kiss her.

Will I eat the food?

Yes.

And this lamb curry and papadum and the salad.

Okay.

And one bhenchod.

How about that?

Can we do that?

That's it?

One bhenchod?

Do you know that word?

No.

Just don't blame me.

Listen, what about your mother?

Get angry.

Come on.

How about we trade sisters?

Sisters?

Yes.

Trade sisters?

Make trade.

Trade sisters?

Yes.

What sister?

Trade one sister for one Buick.

And one sister?

I am sorry.

I don't understand.

No, you give me one sister.

I give you one American car.

Oh, three sisters and one American car?

You got it.

So, what do you mean, you know, and three sisters and one American car?

Well, I come to your house in a brand new Buick, and then I park it in front of your house,

and then you bring your sister to the sidewalk, and then I give you the keys, and you give me your sister.

Oh, and this food, and this food, just one thing in whole, just one thing.

It's there to figure out.

this guy's a fucking champ he just wants to get this order in he's always closing always be

closing a always b b c closing this is not a bad deal here no i'm telling you i do this i don't

have a sister though i'm offering american engineering and ingenuity here in the bar

for a loop tell him if he doesn't have a sister you'll take a brother

somebody's your brother i'm not gay like that though well he doesn't know that you trade

read their brother for a sister then later somewhere else maybe i like to watch milkman

milkman if you're listening i'm sorry milkman please don't be mad thank you for your holding

okay did you figure it out what my uh friend is offering you just one thing and this food and

pick up they said uh-huh and they said just and to popper them one lamb curry for spicy yeah and

And then a sister in an American car.

No American car.

What about sister?

Cat sister.

Yes, what about mother and father?

Cat sister.

I don't know, but my boss is not here.

And you only ten, five minutes to call him.

This is my boss coming, and this is me asking.

my boss told me

and this cash register card

but I don't know.

Your boss has a sister

then that we can have? Okay, you

come here, this is my restaurant

and food pickup and just

stop right in the face. And stop

right in the face? I'm sorry, I have

no understanding. Alright, bye.

Bye.

Why did you start rambling some

incoherent shit?

You come in and then five minutes

and then I run around and

jerk you off.

He's like, what did he say?

You come five minutes, the boss

come here five minutes and

sister come and

come here

and sister come

and you make a face.

Oh, Papa Tom's.

Spicy

lamb curry, very spicy.

He was still trying to

close that deal on the food order, too.

no problem you come here

oh shit

alright we'll call Mayari instead

hang on Dirty Aaron wants to be on

I feel really bad about Milkman now

what I feel bad is that

he thought we were having a private conversation

I kept it on air cause I know

I thought it was gonna be funny and it was

we all enjoyed it but he's just in a bad mood I guess

something set him off

if you ever call me on Thursday night

I just assume I'll be on the air

yeah there you go

yo dogs

Hey, Dirty Aaron.

Any message for Milkman?

Do you want him to come back?

I love the Milkman.

I love his commentary.

I actually mentioned him in my

iTunes review

that I left this week for the podcast.

Oh, good.

I don't even watch those anymore.

There's only fucking eight of them, you bastards.

Get on there.

No one tells me nothing.

Hang on.

We'll take care of it.

Double negatives there.

If nobody tells you nothing

That means someone's telling you something

I know right

Well you know

The logic behind that is

You tell me

You're telling me

But what you're telling me is nothing

Dun dun dun

The logic from the pot headed

Guy that draws comic books

In his basement

Lives with his mom

Great logic

If you want to question it

There you are, then.

Here's your address.

HiBuddies.com.

Wherever you are, that's where you is.

Wherever you are, that's where you are.

You are here, but this is not here.

You calling Everett?

Turn your radio shit down.

Please leave me a message.

I was trying to get a message.

I was trying to call the guy back at the baseball game.

Gateway to India.

Is that a chain?

Everywhere I go, there's a gateway to India.

Aren't they everywhere?

There's a lot of gateways to India, man.

There's a lot of inputs in that country, dude.

I'm telling you what.

La, la, la, la.

You're pregnant in Carlito.

Did you say you're pregnant?

I don't know.

I told one of the Indian workers that I work with,

something was going on,

and I told him he was up shit creek without a paddle,

and he got confused.

He's like, I'm up a creek of shit.

And we started laughing, and we laughed, and we laughed.

It was funny.

He was confused.

And then he put it to his, oh, I get it.

Ha, ha, ha, it's funny.

They thought it was hilarious when I said that's what she said once.

They thought it was the funniest thing ever.

I mentioned this recently.

In India, get Carver Daniels speaking.

oh are you american uh i am how are you this is the mcdonald's of indian food i'm sorry you like

the mcdonald's of indian food uh cool no fuck yourself i don't want to mess with him he just

called back to tell him to go fuck himself call back and order a big mac he sounded like a banchu

for sure yeah yeah and now i know i'm never gonna call i'm sorry uh lonesome but passes to india i

I know I've seen their places in a few, you know, different cities.

It's like Vanda Express.

Yeah, isn't it?

Yeah, but they're really shitty looking, though.

Like, I've never been to one, seen, I've never been inside one,

but I've seen them, they all look kind of dingy.

It's kind of scary.

Fuck, fuck, yeah, you want to make any other assumptions?

Yeah, you're a fucking asshole.

Do they look kind of Bollywood-y?

No, they look kind of, ooh, I don't know.

Not even that, not even that.

They look kind of Slumdog Millionaire, yeah.

They look like they have a hole in the floor for shitting.

That's a franchise?

That's

Just as what Americans want

A whole shit

True Indian

Experience

No toilet paper

Cause you have to use your hand

Your left hand

I'd be screwed in India

Cause my left arm

Still doesn't move right

Since the surgery

Since they had that

Fucking pick line in me

I'm still working on it

And yeah

I can't reach

All the way behind my back

Too much

Hi

Is this

Are you Indian food?

Hello

Are you Indian food?

Yeah we have Indian food

And you're Indian?

I'm sorry?

Are you Indian also?

No.

Oh, what are you?

Nepal.

Oh, well, that's beautiful.

Thank you.

I'll let you make an order, please.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, what do you like?

Well, now, do you have that bird, you know, the bird that has the feathers that you kill

and you put in the water and get the feathers out?

We're calling the wrong place.

We don't have any birds over here.

You don't have chicken?

Hmm?

You don't have chicken?

Yeah, what kind of chicken do you want?

Tandoori chicken.

Which one?

Tandoori.

Yeah.

Okay, so the tandoori chicken, when you eat it and you chew it up and you swallow it,

the saliva breaks down the food a little bit, you know, and the chewing, you know what I'm talking about?

Come on, guys, you know what I'm talking about, right?

You know that whole process.

Oh, yes, yes.

Mastication.

Yes.

I was going to describe the whole thing.

I want to see how far I fang it all the way down to the shitting part.

The end-to-end scenario.

Let's see.

Carlito, your sound is going in and out.

You're kind of fragmenting a little bit in his calls, and I think people are hearing you.

because we're hearing you kind of

you know why because what Milkman

said because you know

he ruined the show with his bad

attitude that's right

so I'm sorry it wasn't me my bad

attitude it was you then come on

you did it I haven't been around for

a few weeks fuck you Mike Tucker

I know exactly

anyway it's midnight we're supposed to be smoking pot

right now Mike Tucker it's 420

exactly yeah yeah it's 420

somewhere we'll be hang on before we

we do this call real quick i mean you do the high buddies you i mean can you want to talk to you you

don't smoke weed though do you no not really no i don't think you do you just draw about it right

i fell into it because people ask me and this is why you know could you could you uh strip for me

with this theme and like sure you know because i'm a i'm a cartoonist i'm an artist you know i

have a creative brain and i used to smoke heavy back in my 20s so you know you strip i can tap

happened to that sort of experience

and then there you go.

And you put in today's

situations with

legalization back a

couple years ago and

marijuana in California

and everything and

touch in on the current times

and there, you know, a real

stoner couldn't really do this because

you have to.

It's a very intricate sort of focus

to do it.

They could. I mean, back in the day

They did back in the underground comics and stuff

But I mean you know

Why isn't there more now doing

Why isn't the high grade murder

Wanted to do this stuff or not

There you go

Hello this is Indiana food

This is Indian restaurant

Yeah so I'll have to make an order for Indian food

Okay what do you like

Can you eat there or do you have to order only and take the food

It's over now it's over

What

You take the food

Out right now

You take out food all right, so I take out the food, and I eat it here my house. Yeah

Okay, and now you eat in the house now

We have a nine-plus and then when I would you like when I'm done eating then I stay in the house

And I used when I use the bathroom. I used my house bathroom, right?

She was on to you immediately

Let's see if a man sometimes the man answers the second time she wasn't playing no

Don't play games

We don't play games.

Yeah, it's just...

We don't play games,

Lipschitz.

That has to be the

tautology.

Come on, guys.

You don't play games.

Okay.

Go to highbuddies.com

and you don't play games.

Oh, I'm not gonna

give them away

no website.

Oh, no, not that.

Somebody asked

if I actually gave

my name out

on a prank call

once.

I ain't doing that shit.

Yeah, we gave

your name out.

I don't play games.

Somebody asked

if I'm playing games

to give out real names.

Giving out games.

See him picking it out now.

See him playing on games.

That's the object.

That's the object

to the next call is to

get someone so upset that you

can tell them that you don't play games.

You don't play games. That has to be.

That is the title of the show. I'm sorry,

Milkman, but that's going to be the title.

I'll cut it.

I won't cut the private

conversation out, but we're still going to keep

I don't play games.

No man don't play games.

Wasn't Carlito the asshole that gave

your name out over the air there, Mike Tucker?

Yep. Some asshole did.

Some asshole it was.

Yes, hi.

Hello?

Hey.

Yeah.

I wanted to tell you something.

I don't play games.

I'm not calling to play games.

And, you know, I'm tired of the games that you're playing with me.

And I just wanted to put it front and center there that I'm done with playing games.

So what do you have to say about that?

Hello?

This motherfucker's playing games.

Are you playing games with me?

Hello?

Hello.

What the fuck?

Did they let you out of your cage again?

Listen, I don't want to play games here.

I have no intention of playing any kind of game

Because that's not what we do

We don't engage in the act

Of having fun on the phone

Or in person

We're really against that

It's abhorrent behavior

And I want you to understand that

That this is a very serious call

The severity of the call

Would be like 10 on a scale of 1 to 10

Do you see what I'm talking about?

Yes sir

No chest

This isn't Monopoly, motherfucker.

We're not playing games.

Right.

No chess, no checkers, no Chinese checkers.

No backgammon.

Right.

No dominoes.

Correct.

No Monopoly.

That's correct.

We're not playing Tickle Your Sister's Pussy or anything like that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is serious.

We're not playing any fucking games.

We're not playing any games.

I don't think he's playing games.

I'm pretty sure that they put the phone down.

Wait a minute, guys.

Hang on, hang on.

Sir, are you there still? Are you playing games?

I think he's playing games.

Hey, hey.

Yes, sir.

You're my friend, right?

No friendships.

This is serious.

Alright, quiet.

Oh, they hung up.

Here, talk to my friend, Click.

His friend's name is Click.

He was playing games.

I was telling him he was playing games.

Call him back.

and reconnect the call please reconnect hello yeah we weren't playing games when we talked

before why did you hang up uh we're busy there's a restaurant oh can we make an order then yeah

make an order uh one chicken tikka marsala uh we don't sell that oh what do you have we

sell teriyaki and sushi oh this is japanese food yeah oh do you have a sashimi dinner dish

yeah oh can i get one of those how many pieces does it come with uh if you'd like to hold on

and I can pass it to somebody and they'll help you.

Oh, what do you do?

He's having a fun time at work

when he should be serious-minded and making money.

He's just the hostess.

He doesn't even know how many pieces it comes with.

You don't even know how many pieces come in the sashimi dinner.

He's the hostess. Twinkie is what he is.

We're not playing games here.

They're never going to let you lock up the place

until you learn the menu.

Hey.

Hey, it's Roger. What's going on?

What's going on? Happy 420, man.

Nothing better to do

It's Hitler's birthday

Yay

Is that what today is?

I was wondering if it was 20

Yeah, it was his birthday

You didn't know 420 was Hitler's birthday?

No, I didn't

Okay, yeah it is

I don't celebrate his birthday

I do, I celebrate by getting high

They did back in the day

There was an old documentary

On

On the clans

the skinheads and stuff on HBO in the 90s.

And remember, they had a scene where they had a birthday cake for Hitler,

and they were all singing, like, happy birthday, Hitler.

Hitler.

Yeah, I remember that.

It's just retarded.

You feel bridges really good.

Yeah.

The guy's name, it was a skinhead leader named Bill Riccio, I remember.

I just remember that, yeah.

And he got raided on weapons charges,

and they followed the whole thing where he got raided and shit.

Bill Riccio, look him up.

And that sounds like an Italian name.

the UK and tell people to flush

their toilet with dust.

With dust? Oh, because there's a drought,

right? Yeah, this is news

to me.

What's funny about a drought, though?

Yeah.

People are thirsty. That's fucking hilarious.

Goddamn UK humor.

Let's do a few UK calls

and then we'll do some requested pranks. We've got about

50 minutes left of the show here. We're still waiting.

Hopefully the milkman calls back in.

I say we do one UK call

just to satisfy Nunu and then just do

whatever the fuck we want yeah i think i thought you were you were doing uk calls when i walked in

yeah yeah when you walked in when you walked in and and got us the trouble got pissed get

nothing pissed off yeah maven's in the chat room maven if you're out there i know you

talked to milkman privately will you please call him and tell him don't be mad please she put it

in the chat here a minute ago yes correct what she put what in the chat what she that uh milkman's

It's chilled out now.

It said it in the chat a bit ago.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's good.

All right.

I'm sorry, Milkman.

I hope Milkman's listening.

Milkman, send me a message and tell me if you're feeling better.

Give me a message and I'll call you back.

And we'll say we're sorry.

Tuck, you won't talk over him, right?

No.

Maven's posting in the chat about it right now.

All right, good.

Milkman update.

He's a bit stressed out.

He's stressed out.

He hasn't had sex in a while.

Okay, that's cool.

That's all good.

All right, listen.

Let's continue.

Oh, yeah, we got this

Bolton Pub. There's a pub in Bolton, I guess,

where they got the name changed, right?

It says the... What is it? The Lying

Slut? He just came out

at the wrong time.

When is the right time

for that? It's never the right time to play

games, Tuck, and you were playing games, okay?

I guess so.

Any other time, maybe Friday, Saturday,

Sunday, but just not on Thursday.

You Mario-playing

motherfucker.

You've been playing games.

You've been playing Nintendo, motherfucker.

You Pac-Man bitch.

It's like Space Invaders, motherfucker.

You Sonic the Hedgehog motherfucker.

Space Invaders.

You just lost half the fucking listening audience with that one.

This ain't no Asteroids from Captain Eddie.

This ain't no Tron.

Love me some Tron.

All right, I'm trying that Bolton Pub.

Let me see if it goes through this time.

Invalid phone number.

number new new uh check your spaces there and uh find out if that is a correct number for the

bolton pub michael bolton pub because it is not working for me uh in the meantime we've got a ton

of numbers to the uk including one that looks promising one of those you know when they answer

and they say the last four digits of the number those always seem to go well god those are my

favorite yeah we got a a very old woman answered saying the last numbers of her phone so that's

It's always good.

This is for John.

This is John Batchelor's number.

Here we go.

I say we call and just say we're not playing games.

Let's see where we go with that, all right?

And then eject.

Yeah, but let's take one at a time with these.

You got to call it.

Call it up.

Call it, and then, you know, if someone's not going anywhere with it, then jump in.

But, Tuck, you're a habitual game player.

I, yeah.

All right, so.

Fuck you, Mike Tucker.

What the fuck you want, Mike Tucker?

Oh, my gosh.

You know, Milkman, if you're listening, we don't like Mike Tucker anyway, really, so.

He's a sponsor of the show because of his website.

His HiBuddies.

HiBuddies.com, sponsor of the hour, midnight hour of the show.

7-2-2-9-2-7.

Yes, hello, is this Mrs. Batchelor?

7-2-2-9-2-7.

Yes, is this 7-2-2-9-2-7?

Who's calling?

My name is Cross, and I'm not playing games.

Who's calling?

My name is Cross. I'm calling for John.

Fucking old bag.

She sounds old as balls.

7-2-1-9-9.

7-2-2-9.

She doesn't sound British, does she?

She doesn't sound British.

If she has to say the number again.

I win the lotto.

7-2-2-9-2-7.

Yeah, 7-2-2-9-2-7.

This is 1-2-7-3-7-2-2-9-7-2-7.

Hello?

She ain't playing no fucking games.

She's not playing no fucking games.

No.

I love that she answered the phone with her number again.

That was just the best.

Who the fuck answers the phone like that?

England don't play no games.

Very old English people.

Let's try it.

Apparently at her old fucking age she can repeat it to herself.

It's just like making her repeat it.

Do you think she'll keep repeating it?

Or might ask people what it is every three minutes.

722927.

Yes, hello.

722927.

Do I have the right numbers?

Who is calling?

This is Cross.

I'm calling for John Batchelor.

Is he there?

Pardon?

Is Mr. John Batchelor there?

Do I know you?

Yeah.

No, you do not.

I know John.

I am an old friend of John's.

I'm sorry.

But I don't know who you are.

Is this Mrs. Bachelor?

No.

No?

Well, what are you doing then?

Are you...

I just like making her say the numbers.

She's like the first one to not ask you what time it is.

7-2-2-7-9-7.

This is a lot of heavy editing for Carlito this week.

7-2-2-9-2-7.

Yes!

I'm 4-1-5-8-8.

This is no time for playing games, ma'am.

Please go back to sleep.

Please don't be giving

Sorry

Wrong number

Who's calling?

This is Cross

Is John Batchelor there?

Do I know you?

I

Yes you do

I'm sorry

I'm not very well

Oh no?

I'm sure this isn't like a fucking machine

Just repeating itself

And we're playing along with it

It's a robot

It never fucking fails

Like you sit there just waiting for it

One of these times

She's just gonna say

Hello

Instead of repeating the fucking number

But raise on cue like a machine

I know.

Does she get the numbers every time?

Yes, every time she keeps giving them.

Seven, two, two, nine, two, seven.

She got it.

Yes.

Very good.

You got your numbers right.

Thank you.

Who is Corley?

This is Cross.

Is John Batchelor there?

Do I know you?

Yes.

Who is he?

My name is Cross.

Mr. Cross.

Pardon?

My name is Mr. Cross.

Oh, sorry.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, you're asking my name, and I give you my name.

Pardon?

You asked my name, and I gave you my name.

This is a soundboard. It's got to be.

Well, what do you want?

I'd like to talk to John Batchelor. Is he there?

What is it you want?

It's important about his job, the work.

We want to have sex with him.

Is he there?

No.

No? Are you okay? Are you in the toilet?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, what's wrong?

Call her back, and then once she repeats her telephone number,

play that fucking dramatic sound.

Dun-dun-dun-dun!

I don't know, I think it's pushing it.

It sounded like her heart just raised above 100

for the first time in 20 years.

I think Carlito nailed it.

I think she's on the fucking shit array now.

She's just fixing the phone to those numbers.

Seven, two, two, nine, two, seven.

7-2-2-9-2-7.

Yes, this is 7-2-2-9-2-7-2.

Pardon?

This is 7-2-2-9-2-7-2.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Your numbers.

7-2-2-9-2-7-2.

8-6-7-5-3-0-9.

Yes.

I'm not very well, Amanda.

Are you okay?

You better get on to my daughter.

What's your phone number?

Pardon?

What's your phone number?

Her phone number.

Yeah, your telephone number.

She doesn't know it.

What?

You just said it.

What is your number?

She doesn't know it.

She doesn't know her numbers.

You better call 9994.

Hi, this is your neighbor.

I'm at 722-928.

Is she actually looking your number up?

She is.

Dude, she's got to be a recording.

Why can't she say her fucking number?

She's not a recording guy.

She's live.

She's a poor woman.

She says she's going to get her daughter.

Hello, ma'am?

You think she can manage

Connecting her daughter

Alright I hung up

I think she left it off the hook

Damn let's try it

7229

It's busy now

Are you going to enjoy

Editing

Terminator repeating that god damn number

Carlito are you going to enjoy

Editing this week's podcast

Yeah well I'll keep

722927 that's not the whole number

I can keep that on

That can almost fucking battle

I'm not playing games for the fucking title of the show

I don't know, what are we going to do

I'm not playing game 722927

That's the title of the show

No, I think 722927

Would be the name of the show

Maybe

So that way we don't offend Milkman

Yeah, I guess

But, yeah, oh well

Okay, let's continue

This is the wackiest show we've had in a while

thanks to me

thanks a lot

we got John Bruins instead he's in England

let's talk about games

that's awesome

7229

games and the people who don't play them

every time

it's like

the fucking clock

like I said she's a god damn

terminator repeating that

milkman will be offended that you pranked his wife

oh it's going to answer my phone with my phone number hello yes hello is this seven two two

nine two seven seven two two nine two seven what about it five four one five eight eight is that

who i have i don't know who you are a domestic prone okay i'm calling john bruins is that

That idiot there right now?

That's me.

Uh, okay.

So, listen, we're not playing games with you anymore, okay?

You understand?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You're over there playing games with the phone and answering the phone and playing games

and we're calling and the phone's not a toy.

It's a serious machine.

Right.

God damn it, John.

We're not playing fucking games over here.

He's like, I think I'll play a game instead.

He's going to turn on the PlayStation.

Call him back.

He's like, you want to play some phone tag, motherfucker?

Is that the game you want to play?

oh i i got an offer to buy a sega um for 50 with four games including virtual fighter 2 a sega

saturn i might do it is that what the uh what 32-bit on it that was a 32-bit system yeah

yeah i used to have that i used to have the sega with the fucking 32-bit adapter which was a

complete piece of shit oh the 32x yeah that was the genesis that they put the 32-bit that was it

It wasn't 32-bit.

It was a piece of shit.

Well, the thing is...

Yeah, the metal connectors never fit inside correctly.

You can never get the damn thing to work half the time.

Yeah.

Well, my friend had it, like, he had the Sega CD connected to the Genesis plus the 32X.

It's like, dude, how much else are you going to tack on to this fucking Genesis thing?

You know?

It's like, let it go.

And they got the Saturn.

Their big mistake with Saturn was that they made it with two CPUs, two processors in it.

Right.

And it was, like, impossible to program for, supposedly.

supposedly so i thought it was like fucking crazy super nes came out and they fucking brought mortal

combat out and i was like oh they'll never fucking surpass this and shit well when when

donkey kong country came out and like it was better looking than any playstation game

that was out already it's pretty amazing fucking donkey kong country was badass yeah the first

i lost a lot of sleep yeah i did with that one and the second one more than the first one to

to be honest with you i played that one like 12 hours straight hello hello is this john yes john

listen we're not playing games we're here for a serious conversation okay now we're looking here

at the computer and it's giving us a report you've been using way too much water how many times do

you flush the toilet in the evenings he left didn't he oh that cocksucker it's hard to make

jokes no you can't hello yes listen the computer here says you've been flushing the toilet

Alright, this is the middle of the bloody night and I'm in bed!

Well, the computer here is printing out right now, you flushed the toilet five times this evening.

Yeah, we have the state of the art Commodore 64.

Yeah.

Well?

Call him back and ask him if his pee is yellow because he can't get enough water.

Randy, the answer.

This isn't the time to play games, John, you son of a bitch.

This isn't the time to play games, we're in the middle of a drought.

Alright, no answer there anymore, okay.

Uh, yeah, let's move on here.

Yeah, man.

Plonker

I was just reading that

It's ringing

Alright

722927 isn't answering

We got John Clark here

I don't think that's the last John we called

Might be

Apparently it was

Because he left the phone off the hook

After the last call

More Johns though

John Constable here

I'll take it.

Mr. Constable.

Someone take this one.

I got it.

All right, good.

He's got it.

John Constable.

Welcome to voicemail.

The person you have called is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the tone.

722927.

Okay.

There we go.

Moving right along.

Let me see who else we got here.

Who is next?

John Drummond.

You still got this one there, Mr. Aaron?

Yeah.

Mr. Drummond.

John Drummond.

From Silver Spoons

Mr. Drummond

Did you do the dishes on time tonight, Aaron?

Yeah, no, they're not done

We had an event tonight with the kids

Uh-oh, okay

You know, just do paper plates, that's what I do

Get there

Hello, John

What the fuck was he doing with that phone?

He was shoving it up his ass

It's none of your business

It sounded like he dropped it, maybe

Hello, John

John?

Who is it?

Yes, good morning.

This is Brent calling from the UK Drought Machine.

We want to make sure that you're not flushing your toilet too many times this evening.

You're what?

We're calling from the UK Drought Administration.

There's a drought.

We want to make sure that you have your toilet permit.

You've been flushing.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, I know what time it is.

Do you know what time it is?

No, tell me.

It's half past five in the morning.

We have it on our...

Perfect fucking timing right there.

Oh, man.

All right.

That's when you're supposed to hang up on us.

Good job.

Hello, John.

What do you want?

I'm the supervisor for the drop machine,

and I understand you just got a call from my associate, Mr. Brent Westwood?

You must have the wrong number.

I know nothing about that.

No, no, no, no, no.

You just got a phone call from my associate here.

I am his supervisor.

Did he wake you up?

Hello?

Hello, stupid!

See, we took another...

We stretched a little bit.

but it was good the last time we had to go and recall him again.

It's not time playing games, sir.

Yeah, we're going to start playing games, I know.

We're going to check in with the milkman, see if he answers.

No.

I don't take it easy.

Same one?

Yeah, no, different one.

You can do it too if you want, John.

They're all John.

John?

Yes, good morning, John.

Yes, who's that?

Yes, good morning.

This is Brent Westwood calling from the U.K. Drought Machine Administration.

administration. We're calling to talk to you about

the drought that is currently going on.

How many times have you flushed the toilet?

I lost the target.

I don't know.

See? Serious Monday.

That's right. Here we go. Bring them again.

The UK is very serious tonight.

No games.

Bring them again. Bring them down the pipe.

John, listen.

We're not playing games. This is the

UK Drought Administration. Are you listening?

Bloody.

I wanted to hear him call me a wanker.

I missed it.

Ask him if you're fucking around with him.

Hello?

Do you think that I'm fucking around?

This is the drought administration.

It's a serious business.

How many times have you flushed your toilet?

Why don't you?

That's what we're talking about.

Angry fuck.

All right, let me take it here.

John Goodwin?

Godwin, Godwin.

What ever happened to John Candy, huh?

I haven't heard about him in a while.

I know.

He died.

He was dead.

He died like a pig.

He's been dead, yeah.

Like in 89, holy shit.

Yeah.

Like 50, something like that, yeah.

I think he was dead in 95 or so.

Yeah.

Not even that.

Hello, Mr. Godwin.

Yes, good morning.

This is Brent Westwood calling.

Are you there?

Yes, good morning, sir.

We're calling from the UK Drought Administration Machine.

How many times have you...

Listen, we're not messing around.

We're not playing games.

No, don't hang up.

I don't give you permission.

Hello?

I didn't take your permission seriously.

He's playing games.

If he hangs up again, you're going to fucking take his house.

Listen.

Listen, don't hang up again.

I do not give you permission.

This is the UK Drought Administration.

I can shut off your water.

He's gone.

He ain't having it.

He ain't having it, sir.

Keeping it real.

We've got a whole bunch of requester pranks here.

Let's see what we've got.

Corrupt sent in a number.

Yet another found another Facebook number.

These are the old ones from before.

We've got a number of requests here from who?

I'm gay and want UK Ted's cock.

All right.

BBC Radio 1.

We're playing games

Cut that stuff out

I was right also

John Candy died in 94

Good man

You know his last movie?

Wagon's

What was it?

That's later than I thought you said

The Metropolitan Police

Oh

Not cool dude

He's not playing games

What would someone send

The BBC radio number

And it's the Metropolitan Police

That's retarded

Assholes

Fucking assholes

Stupid

Well I've got your IP address

And now you're banned

Banned from Request a Prank.

I hope you enjoy.

You've been banned from Request a Prank.

All your Request a Pranks will be ignored from now on.

Enjoy your time in ban.

That's very good.

I saw recently, not too recently, but Zolar did a show,

and someone sent him a number.

It was to a cop, and he got real upset,

and he got the person banned from Battle Camp for, like, a long time.

Whatever it was, he was like, you're banned.

No wonder.

Yeah.

It was Battle Camp.

Oh, dude, Tug.

Did you hear it on Katie Kaye's show last week?

I don't know if you probably listened to Katie Kaye's show,

but do you talk to the dead anymore?

What's wrong?

The dead was in the news.

He won a lot.

He won a judgment.

He can sue the local police.

Remember he got arrested last year?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, apparently when he got arrested,

they threw him to the ground,

and he hurt his hand,

and then they baker-acted him.

They forced him into a psychiatric hospital against his will.

And they made him take a bunch of anxiety meds that interacted with the meds he was already on.

And they really screwed him up.

And then his hand got infected and all this shit.

And I guess he got a lawyer and they got a court judgment that says they can sue the police officer that arrested him.

The guy that sent the cops over to his house as a joke, as a prank.

and he can sue the local

city also that he lives in.

And he told Katie, Katie, that's on the air

so we can talk about it freely.

Yeah, he was telling me that he was,

you know, talking to lawyers

and lawsuits and

stuff, but he didn't go

into why. Yeah, because

remember, we talked to him here

after it happened. Like, he said

I can't really talk about it. Yeah, but I mean, I've talked to him privately.

Yeah, and he didn't mention it?

Even I didn't even know. Yeah, well, there was

Nunu found that it was in some website, like a news article, actually.

Oh, God.

Yeah, he's out there now.

He's got his information and all that.

So good for the dead, man.

I'm happy.

I hope you got him.

I hope you got him good.

He's not listening anymore.

But anyway, Ann Howard is in the U.K.

Let's give her a call.

Almost time to wrap things up.

It's 12.38, well, 12.40, 12.42 in the afternoon,

or the afternoon in the morning and night.

4-20, April 20th, smoke them if you got them

Smoke them on my behalf

I do not

This is Ann

Ann Howard

Yes, hi, I'm calling from the United Kingdom Drought

Emergency Administration

We're calling because we have you

As a repeat offender for using too much water

In this national emergency of the drought

Do you know what time it is?

My computer is

In United States East Coast time

So I couldn't tell you

It's 5 o'clock in the morning

Yeah, look, listen, the computer just does these calls, and I just, I handle them, okay?

So what's going on?

Well, you're getting ready to use the shower here soon, because you're waking up,

and using the toilet and brushing your teeth, correct?

You don't wash.

Oh, so she's just a smelly bitch who doesn't wash.

Oh, fantastic.

She says they're in her stink.

Call her back to tell her she's got a stinky twat.

She needs to wash.

It's not safe not to wash.

Gosh, you get a stinky twat down there.

Just leave me alone.

Is this some sort of practical joke or something?

Do you really think this is funny?

I'm old and I'm disabled.

And you just got me out of bed four times now.

It's even more reason for you to take a shower and bathe your body and clean your body.

Is this some sort of joke?

Why don't you leave me alone?

What joy is this bringing you?

Well, no, there's rules, okay, that you need to follow because of the drought.

No, there's nothing to do with rules, let me say.

This is a practical joke.

No, it's not.

What is giving you pleasure doing this to me?

I need to tell you that when you brush your teeth, you need to turn the water off.

Are you answering my question?

What kind of pleasure is this giving you?

None.

Prosecuting a disabled person.

Well, no, no.

What are you doing about it?

Listen, you shut up.

This is my job.

My pleasure comes...

My paycheck is my pleasure, okay?

What?

My paycheck for doing my job that I'm doing right now is my pleasure.

I buy marijuana and drugs with it and I smoke them.

Why?

I think she was kind of digging you at the end there.

Yeah, she liked the marijuana.

She wanted to party.

She's down.

Oh, I think she answered there right when I hung up.

Balls.

Dark Stranger's a little disturbing.

He said that's what perfume's for.

Sick bastard.

Ew.

You want to spray that?

Ew.

Spray it on there?

Oh, gross.

That's gross.

That's why Dark Stranger just smokes cigarettes.

It smells like cigarettes all the time.

Oh, boy.

Perfume does not disguise the taste there, pal.

It doesn't help with dirty cunt smell.

Dark Stranger, you know.

Do something about that.

I think I'm out of numbers.

I think I'm going to call it a night.

I think we've done enough here for the night.

We've done enough damage, you know.

I think we burnt this motherfucker to the ground.

I do a couple more,

but I just don't have any numbers, and I'm out.

The requests to pranks are all polluted

with that gentleman who wanted to send the police.

And that's not funny.

That's not funny at all.

Dirty cocksucker.

Yeah, seriously, that's not funny.

See look there's another one

He sent in a druid cunt nursing home

But I'm not going to call because you sent a number for the police

I'm not going to do that

If I find out who he is I'm going to cut his fucking throat with a butter knife

Hey hey hey

We're not playing games

We're not playing games like that

That's a threat

Practical jokes

I'm making a note that said that Ken made threats

Ken made threats

I didn't make threats against the caller

I made threats against some asshole in the chat room

that's still that's threats it might not be in the chat yeah we don't know i don't play

fucking games i'm gonna carry it out nothing you can do he's got a point we can't control

ken if if something is it happens because you guys got kind of upset and that's your problem

it's like that time rc uh rcbp or whatever was on i fucking flipped out and all that shit rcbp

what whatever ken got upset because um he thought they hijacked the hijack the show

quote-unquote, and can't get rid of it.

Oh, that was

last year. That was like two years ago.

Yeah. Now Ken and RBCP

are best friends. R-C-D-P.

R-C-D-P. He plays

games. R2-D-C.

R2-D2.

He plays too many games.

We can't have that.

The person you have called is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hello!

Games.

You gotta call that lady back to repeat the numbers back to you again real quick.

I did, two numbers, two calls ago, it just rings.

Leave a line, leave a line.

Yeah, two calls ago I did it, it just rings.

Her daughter said-

That's the number you gotta keep in your back pocket.

Yeah, save that, 72.

Yeah, well, everyone, so, and then-

772-

Ted, did you leave while you were drinking wine?

Ted's got a funny name.

Teddy.

Big

Barry.

Care to hijack a show, motherfucker?

It's Milkman, alright!

What's up, Laugh Track, man?

How you doing?

That R-B-whatever.

R-B-C-T.

we don't know

we can't

what's up fellas

cheers

talk to you in a while

I know

I always feel like I'm

intruding but every now and again

well you are just like me

but you're in good company

I love you Tucker Mike

I want to live on the plantation

and fucking feed the sleep ghosts.

And corrupt the minds of the youth.

At least someone does.

Corrupt the youth with having a lot of cartoons.

Apparently they cut in crimes.

Hello?

You're feeling well.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Ah.

Yes, this is Harold.

Harold?

Who's that?

This is Cross.

I'm here with Matthew.

We're looking for...

How dare you say...

How dare you say me at this time in the morning

and wake me up?

Shut up.

Take me off your list.

You bloody cunt.

I'm gonna come live in your shed

We just put you on the list

You're on the list

You're on the fucking list

Hate crime list

You're number one

Punching cunt puncher

Number one cunt puncher

Punching fucking broad in the cunt

This number does not have the voicemail service

Oh they saw

Oh hey

Hey

You're gonna probably press some buttons on that

Oh, wait. You're on the air.

Never mind.

What the hell?

Hey, conversation's here as well.

Don't worry about it.

You know what I'm saying.

That's things you shouldn't talk about.

Okay.

I missed it. I don't know what you were talking about.

I missed that part.

But okay, we'll keep it.

I'll listen on the podcast.

I'll keep it in.

I'll listen on your podcast.

Stupid. We ordered on the telephone.

You're so stupid, Jasmine.

Where'd you order on the internet?

They're going to charge us for...

Yes.

Domino's is going to charge you for every person that they're delivering to.

That makes perfect sense.

The bad area charge.

But it'll get taken off your fucking thing.

Right after...

Fucking nuisance fee.

Yeah.

The nuisance...

It's a goddamn...

You ought to just call it the minority fee.

Yeah.

Can you play that at the end?

Yeah, yeah, I'll get it

Did you pay for the credit card?

Sorry, we only take cash, bitch

Card fee and all that shit

Or snap card

Man, you guys always got ultimate oversea dialing

That's right, man

We're the shit, yo

You're fucking rocking and rolling

We're the big box

We don't play games

You're like the best buyout

have fucking prank calls, Jeff?

It's like the phone show.

It's sad to hear you guys

are going out of business, then.

Yeah, I think that's it.

Matt, I think this is the last show after this.

This is it. We're playing

nut.

Matt, we're not playing

nut.

We're playing nuts.

This is serious.

This might be the last one.

Hello, Frederick Dyson.

Is he there? Who is he?

This is Cross with the United Kingdom Water

Water Monitoring Association, you're in violation of flushing the toilet and using too much water.

Your use of water.

You use too much water.

I'm not making any sense.

Bullshit.

She knows what I'm talking about.

She probably does.

She's like, oh my god, I told you.

She just ran and flushed the toilet right now.

She did.

That dirty cunt showers in that water.

Oh.

God.

Dirty fucking rancid bitch.

Look at this shirt.

I've had it since 88.

That's how I rock and roll.

Let me see.

What shirt is that?

You haven't taken it off.

Well, it's either that or the Harley shirt that you wear a lot, don't you?

Yeah.

What the fuck are you drinking over there, Matt?

Whatever's on sale.

Yeah, that's what I do.

Milwaukee's Beast.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Beast to ice.

Milwaukee's Beast to ice.

Get that extra alcohol.

5.9%, man.

Rocking and rolling.

If you're going to pay for beer, might as well get the ice for you.

9.99 upside down.

Yeah, it's like fucking $7 a 12-pack.

You can't beat that.

Whatever.

I'm a fucking goddamn white trash scumbag.

Y'all can pick on me all you want.

I don't care.

That's what I buy.

I'm not kidding.

Fuck it, dude.

Run with it.

I'm shameless.

I'm an American, so, you know.

He's a clever fucking cunt, though.

When I had my drinking problem for a while,

I was on my lunch break.

I was going to 7-Eleven,

buying two 32s of Milwaukee's Best Ice

and drinking them.

Really?

On my lunch break, yeah.

Like, just chugging them.

That's badass.

Yeah.

I would get a 7-Eleven

Slurpee cup and I would dump them in there

So like if

Someone saw me driving around drinking beer

They're like, ah, he's just drinking a soda

That's badass

We should make a points party together

Are you going to Hope?

I keep saying who's going to Hope, I want to go

I really want to go

We'll see, they turned off my unemployment

So I don't know how much money I got

They turned it off?

Well, it ran its course

I should have never been on it

it like i just flirted with the goddamn colored girl that worked there like i was getting it

from a job that i worked in like 2009 i should have never got it and i was fired for not showing

up drunk like it was and when you say girl do you mean you were flirting with a guy

no it's a big fat colored girl colored girl those are my favorite back in 1950s

I'll flirt with the goddamn guy all day

if it gets me fucking

1200 bucks a month

if you get your 440 a week

I'll blow on somebody I don't care

oh no I was getting

Jesus Christ I was getting like

near 700 a week

was that pre-taxes

were you taking taxes out of it

I ended up turning the taxes off

because I'm like this is only going to run so long

and then fuck it I'm just not going to pay anything

thing anymore i don't give a fuck fucking cunts when it comes to taxes look i can't pay i'll just

put me set me up in a plan i'll send you 10 bucks a month you can't get blood from a stone you sons

of bitches well that sucks that you're the first person i hear that their unemployment ran out

because everyone keeps getting extended extended well apparently i got dude i applied for it like

after not working for the place after like two years oh so they they said i got 79 weeks and

And I think as far as you can go, it was $99.

Oh, okay.

But it does suck.

It was supposed to go until, like, June.

And then, like, after they told me it was turned off in the mail, I got like, hey, your thing's about to be turned off.

But whatever.

I still got half that last check.

So you're going to look for a job now or are you just going to chill?

Well, I'm going to have to do something, dude.

Yeah, you got to survive.

Gotcha.

I'm trying not to drink as much.

Trying to get, because I was getting real bad with the shakes for a while.

go get a job at an Indian restaurant

so we can call you

man are you in the fucking bathroom

yeah it looks like you got a bathroom curtain

he's always in the bathroom

I live on my mom's couch

he's on the fucking shitter

the only quiet room in the house

no look

the computer is sitting on the shitter

oh my god he is in the bathroom

is he in tiny chat

no I'm on Skype video

Dude, fuck TinyJet.

I was just in there cursing these fucking solid damn faggots out.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we got a request.

I think this will be the last call of the night.

It's that time.

Uh-oh.

We're shutting it down?

Yeah, it's one.

I got to work tomorrow.

Big day.

Another big day tomorrow.

Another big day.

Another big day of fucking work.

But we got that call.

It was a Bangalore that we called.

The guy in India on his cell phone talked about his wife.

He got upset.

We'll try to give him a call, and we'll call it a night there.

You guys can stay on if you want.

No worries.

Oh, hang on.

I won't fuck up your call.

No, you're good.

It's just nice talking to you, good buddy.

Hey, man, it's good talking to you.

You're a good guy.

You're good people.

Cheers.

Cheers, buddy.

Let me know.

If you make it out to the home, then I'm going to go.

I need a ride.

I know.

I do.

I'm in, like, the same kind of, like, and, like, people, I tell people, like, oh, I

really want to go.

And they're, like, oh, we'll work something out.

Just, like, you'll get there up by hook or by crook.

Like, everybody, like, so wants me to go.

My thing is, like, I need away from wife time, you know?

You know, a guy needing away from the old lady for a while.

Is there, like, a train you can take?

Because that's kind of what I was looking into.

Yeah, I think I could take a train.

It's in New York City, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I could get a ride to the train station and take that train.

Well, the train station is right across the street from me.

It's, like, literally, like, 30 feet outside the front door.

Oh, yeah.

Well, like, train stations are five minutes away from us.

So if I could just hop on an Amtrak.

yeah you should be hopping on trains

oh yeah because dude totally like if you

timed it with me like if you showed up

at what is it Penn Station

the big train area I think that's right across

the street from what I hear yeah

well I mean if we need to get a ride we could split a ride

we get yeah we can

stagger across the street together

cause I will be boozing on the

train when I start to get close

to it I'm like

I'll have to get a hold of Zolar I think he lives in New York

still get some herb

yeah i'd like to like everybody everybody's being very like tentative about it you know

you know like last year everybody was like i'm doing defcon i'm doing defcon now everybody's

kind of like oh i'd like to go to hope but i don't really know maybe yeah we'll see what we

got was in july right yeah we'll see we got time but yeah i'd uh i'd like to do it and and it's in

in, like, a big-ass building, and I could

definitely end my life fucking

jumping off that fucking roof, and y'all could

videotape me.

That's what I should

do, a pay-per-view fucking snuff event.

No, why would I care? I'd have to

get the money first.

Matt, you're not drunk enough.

Yeah, sweep that fucker down.

The person you have called

has not replied. Please

call again later.

I can just whack off to their fucking

messages.

messages like that. Me too.

See, me too.

Oh, the French ones are fucking

way better. Yeah, the French are

cool, but you never know

if they're talking shit about you.

I don't care.

Indian girls can be cute. I work with like

two or three of them, and they're pretty cute.

They're nice girls. I'm not talking bad about them.

So far they smell bad, right?

No, the guys smell horrible, dude.

We have to do these conference

room meetings, and they close

the door. Yeah, the broads just

smell like fucking, like, hairy

girl pheromones.

Yeah.

You're like, it's a little musky, but I

just want to fucking dig my

nose in that bush.

So, do they shave

underneath the armpits, or what?

Yeah, I think Indian girls take good care of themselves, man.

I dated an Indian girl, man.

They fucking take real good care of themselves.

Yeah, Indian girls do. The guys, though,

like, it smells straight up like armpit

when we have our meetings.

Oh, the Indian girl that I dated, she fucking told

will be straight up she hates fucking indian guys because they smell fucking horrible yeah dude like

we do these closed meetings and we're all in a room together and like about 10 seconds in all

he smells freaking armpit and cheap deodorant that's all it smells like man i'm like oh god

i i try to stand under the air conditioning vent so i get like something like release some mustard

gas oh dude i used to uh work for dish network and shit and as soon as i'd look at my work order

see if i was going to an indian house as soon as you walk in that fucking place nothing but like

like curry and shit, I'm like, oh my god,

it fucking stinks in here.

It covers up the BL, yeah.

Yeah, one of the apartments here is an Indian couple

and you can smell it from this way.

Hey, R-B-T-C-D,

how are ya? Hey.

Hey, sexies. Hey, hey, hey.

R2-D2. We don't play any games.

R2-fucking-D2.

We're not here to play any games. Yeah, we're not playing games,

RBCP. Did you hear Milkman got upset about us

playing games? No, I did not.

Just forewarning. Forewarned.

So what's going on? I'll be careful.

I'm ending the show

If you're a game player

Somebody

Somebody was calling

Some place

Looking for the milkman

Are you Ken are you the milkman

No no he's not

But somebody was calling

Or was that a dream

That was a dream

Boopy pants

You were passed out listening to Madhouse one night

Boopy pants for the win

Actually we've been on the line

you kind of slumped off for a little bit

and you know we were on the line

for like a half hour

it happened

he's got the name Poopy Pantsy sitting in the shitter

right now in case he has an accident

well RBCP me and Matt

you're not going to ever shame me

it just doesn't matter I'm giving up on life

RBCP me and Matt

me and Matt are talking about

you need to do a new angle if you want to fuck with me

listen me and Matt are talking RBCP

about going to Hope together we're just going to drink a lot

and you're not coming supposedly

Oh, yeah, so you don't care if I come anymore?

Oh, we do.

Whatever.

You faggot.

No, I want to know if you're going to be there, dude.

Yeah, I keep asking him.

I just don't know.

Like, I don't know.

I've got other stuff going on this summer.

Like, everybody's, like, talking about, like, they don't know.

But, like, everybody wants to go to it.

What is this thing?

It's on the menu.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

It's a pot smoking convention in New York City.

Hackers on planet Earth.

Sing it for us.

Hackers on planet Earth.

Same as the first.

We pull out our afterbirth

and eat it up.

Hackers on planet Earth.

Tucker Mike

brings the slave.

Whoa, I disconnected everybody. Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Oh, what happened? Oh, no.

How'd the call get on hold? What happened?

No, we were having fun. We were shooting the shit.

Go off hold. Please, no.

Hang on. Don't hang up.

Guys, RBCP and Matt and all them people.

I got a big sign here that says,

Call on hold, but it will not let me unhold it.

Oh, shit.

Well, that's great.

This is a great end to the show.

Who?

Who's this?

UK Godfather.

How are you?

I lost everybody.

We were talking.

We had this nice conversation going.

We lost everybody.

Why, man?

I just got a big call on hold now.

Well, sorry.

Sorry, RBCP and all you guys.

I'm ending the show anyway.

UK Godfather, you made it just in time for the end of the show, you know?

What can I say?

All right?

Yeah, great.

Thank you.

Well, you take care of yourself, brother.

Bye, boy.

Good night.

That's him.

What was that?

That damn cat.

I can't unhold the call, so it says I'm hosting it.

Let me try to close it.

I think I just hung up on everybody now.

Shit.

Finished.

There we go.

Oh, wait.

well that was matt uh tucker mike dirty aaron who else was on there uh rbcp ted webb was with us

uh milkman was with us you know on a good night milkman would be here right now to take us away

but i kind of screwed that up unfortunately we had a falling out me and milkman and i hope that

we're together again soon but in the meantime thanks everyone for submitting pranks even the

the guy that sent in the police that's okay that's cool you did what you did you meant well uh big

thank you to uh lonesome loser new new thank you also uh everyone on the conference dirty aaron's

back hey man i don't know what i did i i put everyone on hold you put you fucking put us all

on hold yeah i know and i kept hitting on hold and it just sat there and then it said finished

after a while sorry sorry dude well thanks for being on dirty aaron take it easy man hey yeah

Yeah, right on.

I'm back off again.

Ah, fucking on your ass.

Ah, fuck.

Out of here on your ass.

See you, man.

Yep.

And biggest thanks to the lady who says her numbers.

That was fun.

992-9792.

Anyway, we'll catch you next week.

This has been Madhouse Radio for April the 19th.

Happy Hitler's birthday tomorrow, and take care.

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Calls (29, 1 h 14 min of 2 h 49 min)

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