Toilet Flushing Show

No one flushed any toilet last night.

You never flushed the toilet?

No.

There was no connection between flushing a toilet, the way the flush goes, and the water coming in.

If you don't know who the police are, call the number again, and I'll give you to the police, and you'll see who the police are.

Do you understand?

Don't call the number again.

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to House Radio Podcast.

The motherfuckers!

Yay. Good evening, everybody. This bit here, the Madhouse Radio here. Over here. Madhouse Radio over here. Over here.

Good evening, everybody. I'm Carlito, the host of the show Machine. I'm here with the reinstated Milkman. Milkman.

Howdy. Howdy. Howdy, money. So, thank you for allowing me to grace your ways again.

I took my thanking, basically, and must apologize to the listeners out there. Sorry, but I had to burn my ass.

And I'm happy to be back at Amanito.

Thanks for the forgiveness.

We sure do love you, miss you, and look forward to a dynamite show as always, my brother.

Yeah, man.

I'm in the mood for potatoes.

I just want fried potatoes tonight.

But I can't because I'm on a diet, you know?

I'm not allowed to have potatoes.

I'm on a diet, Milkman.

It sucks.

Oh, man.

You know, you got to stay with it, brother, because you know what?

The numbers come down.

And the further the numbers come down, the bigger the smile gets.

It's the day to smile.

It's the happier we are, the happier we are, the healthier we are.

Thank you, Milkman.

All about the numbers with you.

You're a numbers man.

I love it.

I'm going to preface everything here with some information here.

We are running off of a new server.

I reconstructed the server from the ground up,

starting literally when the show ended last week.

Literally.

I started the process to migrate everything over.

I'm 90% certain I got everything moved over correctly.

I do see the microphones are a little hot.

The audio is a little hot.

It's going to take some fine-tuning adjustment over the next hour probably to get that correct.

So I apologize in advance if it sounds loud.

That would be the reason why there wasn't a podcast uploaded this week yet.

Last week's podcast isn't uploaded yet because of the simple fact that I haven't had the chance to edit it.

Because I've been doing nothing but working on this server.

but i finally got it and it looks like it's holding up pretty well uh all the win app settings

are good all the stream settings are rocking looks like everything's holding i'm watching

shoutcast because my fear was if the thing with the shoutcast stream uh that kept dropping in the

in the video feed that kept dropping it was either one of two things either a networking problem here

uh in the studio or a problem with that server machine i was hoping it was a server machine so

So far, everything's holding up.

And I did put it through some stress testing yesterday, Wednesday.

And it seemed to hold up for about 12 hours worth of stress testing.

So we'll see if it holds up.

So far, so good.

If you see anything that's missing, you let me know.

You know, anything that's not working, anything that drops out, anything that sounds not right, let me know.

And I'll get on it right away.

Anyway, so please pardon our dust.

Right, Milkman?

Pardon our dust.

Thank you.

We lost Milkman.

Oh, because I hit the mute button.

hey there milkman i got a new mute button what's that i got a new mute button and i hit it on

accident i muted you oh okay okay you know my my favorite looks good brother looks good yeah

all right um yeah if uh our visitors to the chat room or some of are noticing there's a new chat

widget it's a little more improved it's a little more lightweight i'm using the mibit uh popular

very popular mibit chat client uh now if for some reason you don't like it if you want to

go back to the old way if you click on the upper right on the top above the chat window you have

the option to go back to the old java chat but the mib is a little nicer i think it's a little

cleaner lightweight like i said doesn't use up as many resources and it actually is windowed so

before i noticed i don't know if it was just me uh but you couldn't send private messages in the

the old java client uh for the chat room on the chat page but i'm i at least not for me i couldn't

figure it out i tried it would come up with this pop-up window that was blank for me each time i

don't know maybe that was just my settings that were wrong with java you're right dude there was

some functionality it was reduced that was one thing that never worked right if you was in the

java but received uh a pm howdy how's you mate and looks like it's going good i'll respond and

and it goes well.

It looks like this could be a hit.

There you go.

Yeah, good.

Maybe you get the window, the tabs up top.

Now, there's an ad up there, but I figure that's small price.

Yeah, it's a tab that shows up on the right-hand side of the server,

the channel chat channel, the Nick Serve, and the security channel.

It shows up right next to them.

Yeah, there you go.

Not a big deal.

I think it's workable.

We can always switch back, but you have the option to move back there.

Also, I wanted to mention, I was trying to get a hold of Brad.

I kept looking up for him on Google.

I don't know if I was really busy at work today also.

um i decided now here's what i'm worried about and i thought i've been thinking about doing this

for a few months i don't even mention it but what what worries me about this decision that i took

wednesday seeing that i was working on the servers and all this stuff it worries me that people at

cacti radio are going to think that i'm ditching them i'm not ditching cacti radio i'm not leaving

the family i'm not unassociating madhouse or myself or the milkman in any shape or form away

away from cacti radio i'm still going to be as involved with cacti as i've always been every

madhouse show as long as brad and the rest of you will have me i'm still going to be just as

involved i'll still be listening to all the shows whenever i can uh but i did take out uh a madhouse

only shoutcast station because for the last year or so every once in a while i get an email i got

had a question saying carlito i remember on your site you used to have your station and all it did

was play madhouse pranks and shows and and now it's the cacti so it's it's it's it's not from

you guys from the hardcore this is more casual people who are like uh you know well there's this

other station now and it sounds funny and there's some madhouse stuff on it but it's not constantly

madhouse stuff you know what i mean uh so to cater to that crowd i decided to take out a

shoutcast station just a madhouse one just for the website it just plays on there so that when

i'm still going to go on cacti like always go on cacti like normal but whenever the show's over if

you're on the madhouse site you'll get your madhouse shows and pranks by themselves and

cacti keeps doing this thing i hope it's okay rbcp is calling you he can help us out rbcp

what are your thoughts about this please hey you big jerk i can't believe you're ditching us you're

ditching cacti i hate you you're right well this this whole cacti radio thing isn't working out

anymore brad so yeah whatever well hey do you want to come over to the uh my station that'd be cool

yeah maybe maybe i'll just shut down cacti and hang out with you guys yeah sounds cool no so

you understand you know what i'm coming for i'm not and i'm gonna be as involved as i've always

been with cacti that's not changing i just wanted to have uh yeah yeah of course yeah this

This is how we did it originally, and you needed to get rid of your stream for whatever reason.

Financial reasons, yeah.

Yeah, and I think that's an awesome idea.

All right, cool.

You've got to tailor things for your fans instead of me just playing PLA stuff at your fans all day.

There you go.

It makes sense.

But there are links still on my page.

People go to Cacti and on the show, it's still Cacti, man.

It's all good.

I think it's a great idea.

We are Cacti.

Madhouse and Cacti together.

Shake hands over the phone, over the Skype.

I do plan to turn all of my listeners against you for this, though.

Okay.

All right.

At least for a week.

You're missing hazing.

Sounds good.

All right.

And how's everything else going?

How are the kids and all that?

You know, not too bad.

That's good.

Good, man.

I'm actually going to listen to your show this week, so I'm excited about that.

I haven't listened in a couple weeks now.

I'm excited, too, Brad.

Thanks, man.

I'm going to have the biggest boner ever.

Oh, nice.

Do you take a Cialis?

I took a Cialis today, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Five of them.

Oh, fuck.

You're going to get that priapism, man.

hospital they got injected with a aspartame or something i don't know they inject you with

something in the dick i heard when the when the burner doesn't go down you gotta watch out for

that man yeah i'll be careful no true story a friend of mine he used to do x he used to do

ecstasy right and he would take sialis or viagra whatever he get his hands on because he wanted

to but he wanted to fuck on it but he's i've never done ecstasy before but he said when you're

rolling it's like impossible to have sex to stay hard because it's the feelings i don't know

know whatever it is he said it's hard so he he'd do this um sialis shit and viagra and he took like

four of them once i think he said i think he confused pills and he took the viagras or the

siles and it wasn't and he got he got the whole thing where they say if you have an erection the

last more than five hours he said that was him and they gave him a shot in his cock to bring it

down i think he said it was adrenaline yeah crazy crazy well thanks to that story i'm never ever

ever gonna try anything like that so thank you good stay off the drugs man all right rbcp sounds

Sounds like you're leaving.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, screw you, dickface.

Bye.

All right, bye, asshole.

All right.

Oh, wait a minute.

Milkman was...

Oh, see?

Milkman?

There you are.

I've been trying to message you.

Couldn't get to you, man.

Somehow I got promised on your name.

It's the damn new Skype.

This Skype update, it doesn't conference the calls.

You have to hit a different button.

I'm looking at the big green button, and now you have to hit more on the side and add to

conference.

So they added, like, three extra steps to the whole where you connect people together.

It was Brad.

Brad Carter was on.

He was saying that we're cool with the Madhouse only stream.

So the Mouthstream is here again, man.

I'm excited about that.

Did you hear anything that commented?

No.

What did you say?

I'm sorry, man.

What happened?

That's cool.

I kind of wandered there.

No, no, no.

I was just wanting to say, dude, I really appreciate the set with audio.

Because there's been a few times I wanted to demonstrate to some of my friends, like,

Hey, man, this is our show.

Check it out.

It has cacti material in it, and not that we don't love cacti.

I do want to thank everybody at Cacti for all their support,

their ship, all their camaraderie and friendship.

We do appreciate and do love you.

I do want to thank you for having the ability to listen to some of our madhouse stuff.

Love you, cacti, and thank you.

Adelmanito, the generalissimo.

Hey, thank you, man.

That's really cool of you.

And I appreciate that, Milkman.

I appreciate you going into such detail about the whole thing.

No, seriously, it's, yeah, we'll move on.

uh what else is there to talk about i think that's it changes the website uh new chat widget

still the same chat room that hasn't changed just a new widget to access it that's all there you go

well let's see if we got any numbers to call here unless there's something to talk about i don't

know my dad's birthday today happy birthday dad he's not listening but happy birthday

they say clipping they're saying all right let me try to bring this down this is going to be

a wacky show it's not going to be one of those i'm not going to try to make it like a test show

where I don't really talk.

I'm just going to be toying with levels and stuff tonight.

Hey, let me ask you a question here.

Yeah.

How do I do any operations in the chat?

Like, if I want to, you know, see who's URL,

what URL feed they're using, da-da-da-da,

any command line, how do I do that?

To see what URL they're using or what IP address?

Yeah, like, I want to send you a private message,

but there's not a button here

where I could just automatically send you a PM

or I want to change status or whatever.

However, I don't have no way to do that.

I don't know how to do it in this new format.

Oh, all right.

Well, private messages, isn't it?

Oh, boy.

Tell?

Slash tell, isn't it?

Is that what you're trying to do?

How you do it in command line?

Oh, you have to do it command line then?

Is that what it is?

You have to do command line to do it?

Yeah, but you can just double-click the name.

I thought you could just double-click the name.

Well, if I double-click the name, it just gives me who is on there.

Oh, really?

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Now I see.

Okay, I see.

Okay, you click it once.

Click it once.

Yeah, it's message.

Enigma, it's slash message, and then the name, and then the message.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

Okay, I got your command.

Okay, I see how it is.

Sorry about it.

Thanks, good.

Thank you, Enigma.

Very good.

Anyway, all right.

So, yeah, the one other thing I do remember,

at Milkman we had this conversation,

and being with what occurred yesterday,

I think I agree.

We should, and you know what?

I get a lot of complaints about this regardless anyway,

so it's not a bad complaint, really,

but uh we should work on not having as many people talking at the same time uh it's cool to have

maybe one person on earlier but i think we can open up the skype lines maybe the last hour of

the show so after midnight eastern 9 p.m pacific maybe for that last hour then we can have our fun

and have a lot of people on and we can talk over each other and just be goofy and shit i think

that's that's okay i think that's fair enough right but before that limit it maybe just to one

one or two, just one, I would say just one person on Skype at a time, you know, first come, first

serve, if you get dropped, or if you didn't make it in time, then you're done, yes, the video's

gone, I dropped the video, so, continuing on, let's see if we got any prank call requests here,

UK Godfather says, Carly, can you add me to Skype, please, if you send me a request, I will get to

it in a moment, when I go over to Skype, yes, sir, UK Godfather, you're on the board, Enigma

wants Nunu to stop being a girl in the chat room, that's another thing, Nunu, what's with

Both Nunu and Enigma, you know, they totally hate each other.

They do not like each other in the chat room.

Milkman, did I lose you?

Man, I don't understand that, man.

Chill out, Nunu.

Man, I love you, bro.

I really appreciate you keeping an eye on my chat room, man.

You are the man.

Please just be a little easier on these guys.

These guys are loyal listeners.

You don't have to lie.

They bust your chops.

We bust each other's chops, but, you know, it's all in fun.

It's not a menacing thing, so.

unless well then this is a reason maybe there's a reason for it i don't know you know it could

be a goddamn reason for it for all i know all right listen we got numbers coming in here from

uh i don't know i don't know that's uh the it's the ip address from last week that sent in the

police uh no that one's the same one here's one that isn't from them this one comes from i like

bed and it's a hospital a hospital in the united kingdom okay or we've got the local city

City Council, phone number.

Say that you're calling from the flooding department of the environmental agency

and say that there is a huge flood on the Gloucester Road near Zeeland Road.

Near Zeeland Road.

And then you need someone to close the road.

Sounds kind of wacky.

We got a busboy, a.k.a. Dave the Rave, speaks in a posh British accent.

Ask whether whoever answers the phone, if you could please speak to Dave the Rave.

Say it's about a car rental that is needed urgently.

Okay.

Sure.

Why not?

sounds like a hoot i'm guessing these are uk godfather's weird numbers his weird creepy

numbers that make me feel weird inside they give me feelings not good feeling they're good though

they can be good sometimes you're all right you get godfather you know nunu says no ambulance

or police and i agreed see this is a time you know nunu no caps how about that right there's

a filter milkman look up that filter that'll kick you if you use caps too much look it up milkman

please and implement that immediately thank you come on dave the rave we got like no numbers dog

i guess we could stop the ringing right i like this sound i said we keep listening to this

all right i'll stop see what else nunu won't you send in some numbers huh send in some numbers

nunu mr useful no ambulance hospital police calls this week and says nunu nunu the uh sponsor of

the show tonight who made the biggest donation ever is telling us not to do that all right

right milkman you got that i'm just i'm i'm in a weird mood look at that new didn't chat uh chat

and caps for a change all right anyway i'm going to go ahead and go into the lonesome loser logs

here see if i can find anything from years past uh while we wait on lonesome loser to show up again

i am still watching all right i i mean are we going to consider this is this is like a test

show milkman milkman are you even there god damn my fucking ass yes i'm here i'm here i'm trying

trying to figure out this panel and it's not working for me why is your audio so good like

how come i don't hear any background noise for a change where are you i'm not i'm not mobile yet

i'm not mobile yet i'm actually still at the home studio oh i was gonna say and so how are you

talking to me on the computer no i'm just talking over the telephone on the telephone landline phone

uh yeah mobile oh okay hey man so you got an android phone why don't you get skypes man

you know it cost me money to call you it takes up it doesn't cost me money but it eats up the

the minutes that they literally...

I got Skype on it.

I just don't have it set up for it yet.

You got a Skype username?

I have Skype on it.

I just never used it.

If anybody wants to call in and be on the show,

I'll let one person in who can explain to us well

how Milkman can get on Skype on his Android phone.

I think that's fair.

Milkman, if these children want to be on the phone,

you know,

if these guys want to be on the phone with us on Skype...

Yeah, I'll figure it out a bit,

and I'll get with you after this.

First person to call in gets five minutes.

Madhouse Dollars in the Madhouse Radio store.

It's coming online soon.

Milkman, we've been working on that really hard.

I know you did a lot of research.

Absolutely.

You personally donated.

Make it happen.

I mean, here's how, you know, me and Milkman,

we got into this huge fight last week after the show.

We cursed each other out.

He told me things.

I said some mean things, some that I didn't mean, Milkman,

but I'll tell you what, some that I meant, you know?

I know.

I said some mean, nasty things about you.

And then Milkman felt bad, and he agreed to my terms,

and he made promptly a donation of $200,

and we are using that to stock up the shelves.

Milkman, thank you for your $200 PayPal donation,

and I got that link to my checking account.

I want to thank the arm for helping me out, figure that out.

You're welcome, my brother.

We made a lot of upgrades.

We bought this new chat room.

We bought that this week.

I had that professionally made by a man on Fiverr.

He came out to about $35.

And we got that new chat room now, Milkman, you know.

And now we're making a move.

Now we're making a move.

We're making a serious move here on Madhouse Radio.

I'm very serious when I tell you about it.

This is a very serious situation what's going down with Madhouse Radio.

And this is just the beginning, just the beginning, Milkman.

And you know what I'm talking about.

We've put in several hundred dollars, several hundred dollars into this arsenal for us, I think.

And it's going to be shocking.

It's going to change the face of prank calls for all time when we come out with this information that we have on this person, Milkman.

We use this money to get the information on how to do special things for the website, right?

right we've got a new we've got a new and i've got assurances that this is top of the line java

he said is a version of java that isn't even out yet and he made a player widget for us a brand

new station now dr lego came through he's on our side dr lego came through brand new uh shell

casting and i've taken over that shell casting company i'm now an employee of dr legos and i'm

I'm very excited.

I've been griping about work here and there all this time,

and now I'm working for Dr. Lego.

I'm an outside consultant, and I manage his servers remotely.

Dr. Lego's going to be joining us here, hopefully, by the end of the show.

The plan comes together.

He's a real businessman, Milkman.

You understand that.

I wanted to give him a call, but he's actually on stage right now.

He said, hey, Carlito.

You know how he is.

He's like, hey, man, give me a call.

It's Pete.

and i said well i still get invites to go to his shows i wish i could go man yeah i've been to a

few of his shows we've been hanging out and stuff i met kim i met the kids and everything i got to

meet high pitch eric and uh you know it's funny that there's a certain someone out there he used

to be a good friend i'm not going to name any names milkman but he used to be a good friend of

us for many years you know we started yes you know let's just say that we started the same week

on pcu when we started started the same week this person and you'd have to be wow you have to be a

real man like a name he's got he's got a name that starts with a letter that's like at the end

of the alphabet so it's around it's in the back there the alphabet yeah oh my goodness so that

would be like starts with the name letter x oh my goodness certain people like that that aren't

aren't on our side apparently oh my goodness man that's one of my favorite plans too one of my

I've seen its former plans.

We're in favor of it, man.

I can hear that.

Kidding.

There's no beef with Zolar.

What the fuck?

I had a WWE moment there, Milkman.

My goodness.

I'm sorry, folks.

It's a tough world out there, man.

It's great.

They're coming at us from all angles here.

All angles.

Suckers coming at us.

Tell you what, man.

We be wheeling.

We be dealing, man.

We don't have to take nothing laying down, man, because we're going to clean it out.

Milkman, is there a special taxi jargon?

And we're going to call it V-Cars.

UK Godfather sending in the V-Cars.

Cool.

These are ambulance cars with doctors in them that work for the DHS in the British Parliament.

And we shouldn't be calling them.

That's what I understand from UK Godfather.

We're calling.

This company used to be the Queen Mother's transportation carrier.

They were in charge of her transportation and security also.

They had short security guards for the Queen Mother.

Shorter ones.

because it was the queen mother they had actually um they gave her a small detail a private contractor

detail she didn't have to go around with like actual uh you know whatever their secret services

over there that's v cars am i am i six or am i five or something like that i don't know what

i got this number out of format zero one one what am i supposed to do with that plus four four

there we go fine i'm learning i'll never figure that out let's get tired of this shit milkman

Yeah, AV cars.

How you doing?

I'm not playing any games here, alright?

I'm very upset at the way that my grandfather was treated tonight.

By you people.

You think that we're a piece of trash people?

You think that because of where we're from?

Because of our religion?

What are you going on about?

Because we're Protestant, that's how you treated us tonight.

Me and my grandfather.

He's on the line.

Right, okay.

My grandfather is on the line.

You know, he fought in World War II.

He saved your people's ass.

Your stupid, stupid person, monkey ass.

Okay, no worries.

Your stupid monkey ass.

You personally.

What's your name?

They need to give you it, sir, due to date protection.

It's shit for brains.

Yeah, not a problem.

I assume this is a prank, is it?

No, sir.

No, what journey was it then, sir?

Journey 25.

We went from 722-927.

What?

Baltimore.

You know, this is actually Bristol, UK.

It starts with a B.

Mate, this is a wind-up.

No, no, no, no, listen.

Yeah, this is a right wind-up.

Listen, I'm not from around here.

I'm confused and I'm upset and emotional and I'm diabetic, okay?

Okay, no worries.

I'm just a little bit confused, sir.

That's it.

Look, I'll put him on the phone.

Hey.

Yeah, no worries.

Grandpa.

Milkman.

There you go.

You all right?

How are you doing, mate?

Yeah, no worries.

All right, okay.

Everything's wonderful.

Wonderful. How's it with you and the land of sunshine?

Don't worry, Charlie, you're here, mate.

No worries.

What I'm going to do now is I'm going to hang up on you.

Because if you were legit, you wouldn't have phoned up on a withheld number.

B, you're telling me you're in Baltimore.

Well, this is not Baltimore. This is Bristol, UK.

C, I think you're on the wind-up.

You will make a mistake.

We will backlist your number, sir.

That's quite off the page, isn't it?

What?

No worries.

No doubt you were abused or something as a kid for you to do something like this.

So what I'll do is I'll leave you now, and at this point, we're having this conversation.

All right?

I'm hanging up now.

Have a great evening, and thank you for wasting my time.

Bye.

Oakman, was that any good?

I wasn't paying attention.

I was reading the chat room.

How'd you do?

I don't know.

I wasn't listening.

I thought you were always there, but it was still funny anyway.

You're probably weird.

He was going to hang up anyway.

I was just delaying the inevitable.

I didn't, I'm sorry, I didn't pay.

I don't know what happened the last two minutes.

I was reading the chat room, reading what people say there.

Okay, I'll take your word for it.

That guy has such a tight ass.

He's registering one on the Bristol chart.

It says Fuzzy Blowout.

Okay, that's a lot of reading right now, but thank you, Fuzzy.

Let's keep those chat room comments short, okay?

No more than one sentence, maybe seven, eight words, right?

There's a ban filter I'm going to put in.

More than seven, eight words, you get banned.

You get kicked.

they

kick you at the this computer kicks you

uh that milkman guy it's called a bot and you it's in the irc chat room now it's a bot like a

robot it runs automatic and if you're bad there's been a lot of bad people in the chat room bad

Bad people.

If you're a bad person, the bot will kick you and will ban you and will stop you and will report you.

Yeah.

Spanky, spanky, the lanky.

Milkman paid for that also.

It's been a big week here for Madhouse.

There's a secret robot chat machine that's in there now.

Fucking insane.

Thank you, UK Godfather.

Secret services M15 and MI5 and MI6.

Well, who's better, MI5 or MI6?

isn't milkman milkman james bond isn't he uh mi5 or am i he's mi6 right wow i don't know what the

m's are i know it's a tv show it's like m19 military intelligence something i don't know

what version it is now maybe it's mi6 i think mi6 is the one man and i like to see mi7 mi7

virgin 7 virgin x richie has sent in a request to print someone has been posting flyers all around

some near my school it's a dude looking for a one-night stand some of his date examples were

mcdonald's wendy's and walking dates maybe you want to call from the catholic church as a priest

saying he's bad or whatever you want p.s the ad said girls only just so you know good luck sir

Richie's sending that in all in caps

because that's all in caps, Richie.

You're now banned from the new Request a Prank machine.

We paid money.

We paid good money to get a new chat.

It looks the same,

but it runs different in the background,

and I click one button,

and Richie's completely banned from the chat.

He'll be completely banned from Request a Prank,

from Skype, from the forums, everything.

All of that.

They'll even ban your IP address

from receiving the podcast from that one

or the video or the audio can be done and the live stream and streams from too that'd be nice

dr lego has his program he set me up and it has hooks into all the system hooks he said he called

he's got hooks into all all your systems bro he said just like that i'm like really it's like

yeah bro i was like wow thank you all right richie try this number but if this isn't this

doesn't work we're gonna initiate that we gotta come up with a name for that you get ghost click

that's what it is ghost click i wouldn't want to be you if they don't answer just saying we got

lonesome losers in the chat room now good bookapoo i don't know bookapoo's with the listener chat

room listener keeps kicking everybody and i don't know who this guy is i'm like is this somebody i

know how'd bookapoo get i don't i know i kind of know bookapoo i suppose how's enigma uh an op in

the chat i thought enigma was the enemy well it seems like he's your buddy out of you i'm just

I'm confused I don't know I don't know how Enigma 420 is up I thought Enigma 420 was a problem

just confusing 420 is eight off right there oh he's a it's a marijuana thing milkman did you

know that yeah absolutely the people that smoke marijuana get together on that day and they talk

about how awesome it is to wake up at 4 20 a.m and smoke and then you know take the lunch break

What is it?

Eight to four and 20 minutes after you're smoking, you're blazing.

I guess.

Sure, man.

Sounds good, man.

That's what they said.

That's what that means.

20, 20 minutes after four, you work eight, 20 minutes after you're off.

I don't know where it comes from.

Rebecca Cockburn.

Her name is Cockburn.

What else do you need?

All hail the Madhouse Wind-Up Machines.

Brap, brap, smoke weed every day.

All right, cool.

We got a brap, brap there, Milkman.

That's awesome.

Brap, brap.

Yeah, Dark Stranger's cool.

cool she can be op she's cool amd you know him uh i don't know this other one

win apps in there wow win app i don't know i don't know who win map is this is weird yeah

straight what's going on in the chat room don't kick anybody out a little bit come on man don't

don't kick anybody here i just want to see what happens i want to see the chat room get really

really weird why either way i was checking dynamics i ain't kicking nobody you know people

well know me i don't kick people i don't ban people dude whenever i gotta bring out the big

stick just ease up with the kicking it's so confused dude this is so wacky it's a wacky

thing when he knows me that's all that matters okay he's done the impression and it's the only

thing that matters is his thoughts all right i think it's zolar i think that's what it is he's

trolling zolar's zolar has his hooks also into madhouse chat he's taking over the chat room

yeah we got a few on the bandwagon this is confusing dude i don't know looks like we

got a wide band oh there's talk talk should be talk should be opt but i'd opt talk but why

why bother oh richie your number you're getting ghost click ghost face killer is coming out to

click you uh i'd opt ted but i talk but there's a whole bunch of people i don't know there's

there's five kansas's one two three four five kens i why and there's the ken four four kens

named one two three and five and then there's the ken i don't know who the real ken is milkman

we got topar's ren no he's cool tug tug is an opt i don't know why uh there's three people

I didn't see Tug. I'm looking

for him. He needs to be up. He's definitely

peaked. There's three

people who are

named with the UK.

MikeyWin29 says, how about me? What about me,

Carlito? What about Raven? I have no idea

what you're talking about. Is that really

Tug? Because if that's really Tug, I'm laughing.

No, I don't know. I don't

trust anything in the chat room.

I wash my hands.

I'm going to get my real

real irc client and i'm gonna get the thing yeah i got to the bottom of it why are there two milkmen

there's milkman and one of them is me because uh i can do the uh channel on there but the other

client i don't know how to use it so i had to log in so i could see what was going on in the other

channel it's the same channel for god's sake it's the same yeah but the new the new one i can look

at the uh pms one i can't and i can only do one but not the new one so i'm in two places i don't

care about the chat room anymore i washed my hands of it leaves the city of wankers uh from

simo i think simo's is that really tough no no simo's blocked nope sorry simo you sent us police

we can't do your numbers now national building society bank whatever oh no that wasn't supposed

to happen what'd you do what the fuck no no no i gotta fix that sorry that's not that's not

Did you band talk?

No, I didn't mean to band talk.

I was trying to see who it is.

Oh, you kicked him.

Oh, man.

It kicked him.

Oh, man.

Yeah, right.

You did that on purpose.

Oh, come back, man.

That was not intentional, man.

I'm sorry.

I hate him.

I was trying to see who it is,

except I don't understand

this new interface.

My bad.

Because I don't see him, man.

Where did he go?

I'm sorry, Ty.

University Hospital, Bristol.

Oh, you again?

You people again?

What did you want, please?

I need those tongue depressors.

Do you have them?

Have what, sorry?

Tongue depressors there.

For what, children or adults?

Well, I'm making a craft project.

I'm making a lampshade out of popsicle sticks, and I ran out.

And I know you guys have those tongue depressors that are just like the same thing almost, right?

Yes, but they're for ill people.

Oh, I'm ill.

Hold on then, please.

Hello, new reception.

Yes, how can I get some tongue depressors, please?

Sorry?

Tongue depressors.

I need some tongue depressors.

Right.

Where are you calling from?

From my computers.

Just hold on.

Okay.

Hello, miners.

Who's this?

Miners.

What?

Miners?

Yeah.

What's that mean?

You're in the emergency department.

Why would I be talking to you?

I don't know.

You rang me.

Do you have tongue depressors there?

Yes, we do.

And what sizes?

Well, they're normal tongue depressor sizes.

Are they strong?

They're good tongue depressors, made of good balsa wood.

but no dents or splinters or chips in them.

I don't know.

Can I ask you speaking?

Yes.

My name is, what is my name?

Let me think.

Bruce DeGromolo.

Okay.

Can I help you?

I'm in need of tongue depressors, you see.

Okay.

Well, we can't give them out, sorry.

They use the medical.

What if I'm sick?

We don't have, are you a patient or are you?

Yes.

I'll come in.

I'll pay whatever.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll say I'm sick.

You don't hand them out, sorry, because they're medical equipment.

I'll go through the motions.

I'm going to be sick, and I think I need about 35 tongue depressors to finish my project.

There's no point coming in.

We're not going to give them to you.

We don't give them out.

They're medical equipment.

Yeah, but I need it.

I'm going in.

I have a problem with my tonsils.

You have to use tongue depressors.

Okay, well, we can assess you for your tonsil problem, but we won't give you any tongue depressors.

What are you going to do with the dirty ones that you're using today?

Well, we'll chuck them in the bin.

Well, why?

We're not going to give them to you.

Well, sure you can.

No, we're not going to give them to you.

This has been touched a little bit.

It's not a big deal.

I need to make a lampshade.

That's just maybe, but we're not going to give them to you.

Well, these are the kind of toner presses you can make a lampshade with some glue.

Possibly, yeah.

Well, that's what I need.

We're not going to give them to you.

Can you put me through to someone I can buy them from there?

No, you can't buy them.

We're an NHS hospital.

You can't buy them from us.

If you want to buy them, then you'll need to go to whatever website that sells them to yourself.

We're not going to sell them to you.

Can you put me through to the person who provides these tongue depressors to you?

Well, no, it's four o'clock in the morning.

They're not going to be up at this time.

Well, I could leave a message perhaps with them.

You could put me through.

I can't put you through.

Sorry, no.

It's your department, your tongue depressing department or something.

No, we're not the people that produce them.

They get sent to us from another department and from other areas in the country.

I'm just confused.

I don't understand this kind of treatment.

Well, we're not giving you tongue depressants.

We're not going to sell them to you.

Well, you'll use maybe one on me when I go in, right?

I'm coming in.

I'm going to say my throat hurts.

We'll use one, yes, more than likely.

Well, let me.

Can I give it to you after?

Oh, you can give it to me after.

Why not?

I'm paying for it, right?

Well, not necessarily, no.

You charge me for this service.

I don't have insurance.

I don't know the ins and outs of that.

Well, if I'm paying money for a tongue depressor,

then I should be able to keep it at the end.

You're not paying money for a tongue depressor.

You're paying money for treatment.

Including the use of a tongue depressor.

But we're not going to give you the tongue depressor after

because we don't know.

It's a piece of medical equipment.

Well, you're going to reuse it.

We don't have things like that.

You're going to use it?

I don't understand.

If you want to come in, we can argue this point out later,

but I can guarantee to you we're not going to give you a tongue depressor.

Can you put a reservation in for me?

No, it's an A&E department, so you don't book appointments.

You just turn up.

Oh, splendid.

It's a walk-in facility.

Yeah, that's what an A&E department is.

So you walk in and you can speak with a doctor and a nurse

and have tongue depressors used and all of this.

Okay.

That's good.

Is there Wi-Fi there that I can use?

No.

I'd like to check my Facebook while I'm there.

No.

Do you have computers?

Not for patient use, no.

Do you go on Facebook on it?

No.

What if I told you it's my username and password?

Just tell me what's going on.

We can't log on to Facebook.

Look, if you want to come into the hospital, that's fine,

but we're quite busy at the moment, so I can't carry on this conversation.

But if I say I give you my name and password,

you go in and you say, oh, Carl said this.

I'm stopping this conversation now, okay?

All right.

We don't have access to Facebook.

We're not going to use Facebook.

If you want to come in and get assessed, then you can.

Do you have MySpaces?

No.

Do you have Twitter?

No.

Yahoo.

No.

ICQ.

I am not carrying on this conversation.

Something that I can use to talk to the world.

They need to know what I'm doing.

You will not be using the computers here whilst you're here.

No tongue depressors, no computers.

What is this for, then?

What am I going to get out of it?

What's in it for me?

Well, I don't know.

It depends if there's anything wrong with you.

Are they good taste?

Are they the tongue depressors that taste like wood kind of taste to them?

I'm not going to carry on.

You either come in and get assessed, or you hang up the phone now.

I'm always scared that you're going to get a splinter from the tongue depressor

that'll have a chip in it, you know, and it'll go in your tongue.

That'd be bad.

All right.

Well, I'll see you tonight.

Good night, honey.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

All right.

They're an awful hot though, man.

Sorry, Nunu.

I know we're not supposed to talk to them, but whatever.

Dark Strangers has called more hospitals.

Nunu says, no prank hospitals.

UK Ted, stop calling our hospitals.

Carlio, stop calling our hospitals.

uh i don't know you uk godfather man look stop sending in hospitals why do you keep sending him

in you know we're saying we don't want to call hospitals that one snuck under the radar i mean

i wasn't watching paying attention you know we said we don't want to call hospitals tonight why

are you sending in numbers still why why is it still you know we're in the show and you're

sending the numbers for hospitals still and we said that last week we said that last week in

the week before don't send in hospital numbers you know and still uk godfather doesn't get it

he doesn't listen

you gotta listen man

private personal numbers

of nurses

that's for sure

alright

I'm trying to tell you

stop going sending

to stupid hospitals then

we won't do them

and the other guy

don't

the guy

you know who you are

that sent in the police

last week

in Britain or whatever

just don't

don't bother sending

him requested pranks

at least not for a while

I'm not gonna do them

yeah

not cops

you know

I mean

I'm not gonna call a cop

I'm not gonna call

your numbers for a while

you know

I'll probably call them

maybe in a few weeks

I'll get over it

but for right now

I'm not going to call

your numbers man

you're sending police

that's stupid man

why would you do that

that's true

Armando deserves to lay down

when he's in a vehicle

I mean you know

there's nothing wrong with that

but we don't want to call

the officer

maybe busy

eating donuts

or killing donuts

you know

found on Facebook yesterday

not confirmed

from

corrupt

corruption

well

Therese Smith

is wondering

where are you bitches

at now

that jumped my sister

just to let you know

this shit ain't over

meet me

someone

anywhere

anywhere call me and i'm on my way all right cool all right so this person got her sister

jump latrice smith i guess that's a is latrice is that a girl or a boy black person name i don't

know i think that's a girl right latrice it sounds like it'll be a boy's name right you never know

sometimes with the ethnics i don't know latrice smith got a name a little tree it's a good name

all right sorry latrice smith why am i giving out the whole name more for me to edit out already

already a week behind yes is this latrice yes yeah i understand there's some kind of problem

with your sister getting beat up yeah and why is your sister like that with people that they do

these things what why is your p your sister like this with people that they do these things why

what what do you say like that you're like i don't know what you're saying when you talk like that

high pitch like that what are you talking what do you raise your voice high pitch like that like a

a higher octave like that i just said i don't know because you're ignorant or something what's

the problem are you you're the ignorant one you change your voice like that come on man come on

man what's this what's that mean are you ignorant you don't know it's gone stupid tired of it milk

man i'm just tired tired tired tired uh amd band new new i just i don't get it anymore all right

i'm going through i'm gonna unban everybody nobody has ops except for me yeah why did you hang up

what's the problem you don't know how to use the phone well i'm just huh no just explain me what

happened with your sister why'd she get beat up what happened she's gone she didn't have cleaning

up is that really tuck i don't know if that's tuck i'm unbanning tuck i don't even know that's

tuck anymore i don't know what's going on here anymore everybody how did uk ted get kicked by

stallion stop repeating ah that's why yeah yeah see that's milkman's new chat bot work unban

everybody everybody unbanned so for lonesome and milkman we'll leave rbcp there you know what

rbcp doesn't even care for ops either there no rbcp ops and i don't know that if that's tuck

so no ops for tuck there you go rbcp says themselves don't trust me with ops you've said

that several times it's probably the problem here rbcp god swollen nuts will you call this guy who

who is flirting with my girlfriend in online chat rooms.

I logged in and he thinks I'm her.

Okay, sure.

Give me the info.

Why not?

I don't know if I trust you, but I'll do it.

All right.

We got a number here from Lonesome Loser.

We got several numbers here from Lonesome Loser.

Jimbo's Liquor Store.

Let's try the Egyptian Tea Room.

All right.

Is this the Egyptian Tea Room that does catering?

Correct.

What can we help you with?

Hot water.

Aye, sir.

I don't quite follow.

Hot water is what I need.

Are you a customer here right now?

No, no.

I would like to come in for hot water.

I'm in need of hot water to bathe with, and there's no hot water here in the hotel.

Their heater's system, their hot water system has failed.

It's malfunctioned.

Okay, this is a cafe, so you've called the wrong place.

No, you have hot water there.

This is the tea room.

We're going to have cafe and hot water and things like that.

Yeah, yeah, we, yeah.

Okay, so you can make this hot water for me.

I will pay for hot water.

And what do you need hot water for?

For bathing purposes? Cooking? Cleaning?

I don't have any vessel to give you that quantity of water.

No, I'm bringing a vessel.

I have a five-gallon container, and you can put hot water in there for me.

I don't have the facilities to make five gallons of hot water,

other than what comes out of my cap.

Well, how much water do you have there that you make?

Sir, I think you can just call elsewhere and find some other arrangements.

But good luck to you. Thank you.

No, please. Do you have anyone you can recommend?

Please.

What?

What's going on?

What?

Hi.

Logged into Madhouse.

You're logged into the Madhouse page?

No, it won't come up.

The train is stopped on you.

Hello, yes.

What's going on now?

Hello?

Yes, yes.

Can we help you?

Hi.

Is this the gentleman I was talking to before about the order for water?

That's correct.

So you don't have the ability to create or get me hot water in any way, shape, or form?

So here is hot and bottled water.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you find some other establishment that could take care of it?

We're not able to do that for you at this time.

Well, what's the amount?

phone call no no no i command you not to end my phone call what milkman the site's up what are

you talking about well man i keep trying to log into madhouse log.com it's not coming up

saying that can't be found it's madhouse radio.com it's been that for eight years

yes what happened with the website sir can i get your full name and your telephone number

This is a Hermano Cross.

Hermano Cross?

Yes.

Could you spell that for me?

H-E-R-M-A-N-O Cross.

T-R-O-S-S?

Yes.

And your phone number?

Let's see here.

231-526-1251.

And what's the problem?

What are you going to do with this?

Stop calling here?

Can I get your, I want your full information.

I want your full name, please.

Okay, I've got a police station right across the street.

I'm walking over to them right now.

I'm writing down a report.

Now, I require you.

You're under requirement.

He's under requirement.

Police station across the street.

Nothing.

Yes, V.S. is versus.

Versus.

Why do you call in?

You can't talk.

Stupid.

I'm not going to call in.

See that?

Whoever that was calling in Skype versus is off and banned from calling in again.

What?

For trying to call in and not fucking saying anything.

What's the point?

Why bother calling in?

Dirty Aaron's cool, I guess.

What do you want to do?

The thing is, you're talking about bandwidth.

Hey, Dirty Aaron.

Yo, dogs.

Don't talk over Milkman.

We'll get mad.

I'll be quiet.

All right.

You just sit there.

Milkman's swinging the chain in the chat.

I love that shit.

Yeah.

There you go.

Swinging the chain, Milkman.

You got a fan.

Oh, my.

Bad boy.

Thank you.

All right.

Well, we got a request to prank here.

Another one.

Ask about pizza.

This one comes from Ken, Ken, Ken, and Kenville.

All right.

Ask about pizza.

Whatever.

Do the dishes there, Dirty Aaron?

Not quite yet.

Not good at all.

i was calling

about the pizza wow that was great thank you an inside joke that we got to be a part of thank you

well whoever sent that in is cracking up right now they want some both the pizza but i don't get it

okay um all right look we got more lonesome loser numbers here i suppose swollen nuts

uh his there's a guy flirting with his girlfriend she's 19 this guy's like 40 tell me when you're

ready and i will send it just send it well i'm ready swollen nuts we're ready to send the number

just you just you don't i don't i don't have to hit an accept button thank you he sent it

it appreciate it pretend to be her boyfriend and let him and tell him he's twice what's what

swollen nuts why can't you uh defend your girlfriend what's going on man you know milkman

you know what it's like you know if you're a man you know you need to be able to uh take a hit

step up to the plate uh swollen nuts well what kind of and you got your screen name swollen nuts

but you don't have the swollen and they're not swollen enough to um stand up to some dude

flirting with your girlfriend you're pretty you're pretty 19 year old girlfriend with a

a pretty uh small little pussy and everything i'm sure and you can't stand up for that yeah

rethink your rethink your screen name so i'm not seriously it's a dating site she gets lots of

guys why is your girlfriend on a dating site that's something i don't understand no i don't

know what you're talking about my girlfriend's on a dating site she's not your girlfriend doc

that's not right i don't think she's a girlfriend anymore man because she's a

they swing okay i'm sorry swollen nuts right yes hi you were talking to my girlfriend

friend on the internet your girlfriend yes what would you be calling me well she said that you

keep bothering her that you're almost twice you're more than twice her age that you're an old man

and that you keep bothering her why you keep talking to my girlfriend what's that what's that

stupid man huh i'm not playing games here do you hear that that's our that's me that's our baby in

the background why does she be on me you keep chasing her around on different websites on

On Yahoo, on AOL, on Facebook, on MySpace, everywhere.

Never did.

Listen, I have friends.

There's a police station right across the street.

I'll go over there and I'll have your phone number traced.

She is not here and I've never emailed her anywhere but here.

What is it that you think she's going to do with you?

She's my girlfriend.

What are you expecting?

Nothing more than anybody else wants me.

Why are you bringing her to my site?

To that site?

Why are you making her go there?

Because she's with me.

She's not with you.

I'm making her go there.

Why is she on there?

What site is this?

You don't even know?

It's a site for people that talk to each other to have sex.

It's called X-Match.

Uh-huh.

She doesn't.

Yeah.

And what's, what is that?

She has a profile up with all her naked pictures and everything else.

And I'm on camera right now.

And you're able to view my camera.

All you have to do is click under my name.

And you view it.

She paged me and asked me for a phone number.

What's this site again?

X-Match?

Well, I think you better take it up with her.

No, listen.

Listen, man.

I mean, if what you're telling me is true, then I have a problem with her, and I'm going to beat her up, okay?

You don't want that.

Yeah, I do.

What's your name on there?

It doesn't matter.

What's your name on there, ex-man?

It doesn't matter.

I command you to give her a name.

Then I'm going to beat her up.

If it's a concern with you, you need to address it.

I'm going to beat her up if you don't give me your name on there, and let me see you.

I hope you're going to feel good sleeping tonight

That a woman got beat up by her boyfriend

Because you didn't want to

I beat her up all the time

She's afraid of me

Oh you're going to take her from me

Maybe I'll beat you up

Either you give me your name on the X match

And I leave her alone

Or I'm going to beat her up

And then I'm going to come find you

And I'm going to beat you up

My friend Milkman is a hacker.

He knows he has bots and everything.

I don't give a fuck who you need.

What are you going to do?

Some old man is going to hurt me.

Oh, yeah.

40 years old, old man.

Do you use Viagra?

Do you have Viagra?

Is that what's going on?

Better get this straightened out.

How long do you live in Alberta for?

Oh, man.

Damn.

Straightened out with a girlfriend.

He was jerking off on the camera.

Hello?

Mikey129 shooting up his cock with Viagra.

yeah there's an injection there's an injection now that you put in the cock that makes it harder

i saw that there's a few porno actors that use that yeah it's like a small little needle

what daily mail article from nunu that it just says outrage egypt plans farewell intercourse

law husbands sex dead wives hours after death what you can have sex with your is this mean

you can have sex with your dead wife a few hours after her death to say goodbye it can't be

Outrage has Egypt plans farewell intercourse laws so husbands can have sex with dead wives up to six hours after their death.

Uh-huh.

Egyptian husbands will soon be illegally allowed to have sex with their dead wives for up to six hours after their death.

The controversial new law is part of a raft of measures being introduced by the Islamist-dominated parliament.

It will also see the minimum age of marriage lowered to 14 and the ridding of women's rights of getting education and employed.

Wow, the subject of a husband having sex with his dead wife arose in May 2011

when Moroccan cleric Zanzami Abdu'l-Bari said marriage remains valid even after death.

Wow, okay.

He also said that women have the right to have sex with their dead husband.

husband oh i think blood flow equals swang no swang no blood flow what would you do with a

dead husband well don't they say don't you get an erection when you die i heard that though i've

heard that story you shit your pants and you get a hard-on i heard you shit yourself and piss

yourself i heard nothing about an erection i think you get an erection i think i think when you die

um you shit yourself you piss yourself and you get a hard-on you everyone dies to the boner i'll

I think all men die with hard-ons, I think.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it happens, man.

I'm not taking your word on that one.

I never heard that, but I can't dispute that.

I have no evidence.

Oh, no, this is a fact.

No, this is a fact.

No, it's reported.

Science.

There was a scientist who was talking about it.

A scientist in Egypt.

There you go.

He mummified his peter.

Good.

He mummified his dick.

That's what they do, Milkman.

Well, you're right.

They mummify the...

That's what they do.

They mummify the cock of the dead husband,

and the woman gets to ride it one last time.

They wrap it in bandages and let it dry up.

It's dry and hard, man.

Oh, boy.

They inject cement into the urethra.

Holy shit.

God.

He's dead.

It doesn't hurt me.

Ouch.

You'll never feel it.

When I die, do whatever you want.

My butt.

I don't care.

It's my...

I don't need...

I don't care.

I don't know.

I want to be...

If I die here,

here. I want you all to know at some point if

Corleo dies, I want to be cremated.

I don't want to be buried.

I don't want to be buried. Wasting all that space.

Trust me, that's a lot of space when it comes to me.

Dermian ashes, throw me somewhere.

Throw me... Just leave me on the coffee

table. Make my wife watch me

all the time. Clean me. I want

my urn cleaned and

shined every Saturday. Alright?

You guys got that? Write that

down. Make sure Athena does that.

I want it nice and clean

every Thursday.

Thursdays, I want her to turn on the Madhouse computer

and put the microphone on the urn and just make it sit there for an hour.

No pranks, no, just silence.

Just shake it off the ash so you can be heard.

Shake off the ashes on Thursday,

laughing on the microphone and hanging up.

A special Madhouse live episode, spreading Carlito's ashes.

There you go.

Could have been me last year.

About this time last year, I was just about dead.

Ted, actually, I got released out of the hospital on April 26th last year,

so today I was coming out of it.

Yeah, I think it was a plot by our absconders, man, the haters, man.

They were trying to do you in, man.

But being the ever-fairless generalist that you are, here you are still.

Invincible, thank you.

We got more prank calls to get to.

Lonesome Loser is sending in more numbers.

In the meantime, UK Ted will be joining us shortly.

has sent in a number that him and Tristan

aka Sooty from the

Australia land

did where they woke up someone in a hotel

Milkman it's this rave

this

it's this rave

idea that's sweeping the prank call nation

within the last few weeks

of waking up people in their hotel rooms

and recording it and playing it like a

prank call I think it's an awesome idea

that we should

that we should look into that

Yeah, yeah, here we go.

UK and City, we'll hold till wake-up call.

Apparently it got recorded halfway through, but here we go.

I mean, do you suffer from night tremors at all or sleepwalk or anything like that, Ms. Earnshaw?

This is unbelievable.

I'm going back to sleep.

I'm shaking with anger, and I will be right downstairs at 6 o'clock in the morning

to talk to the management about this.

Well, I am a top manager, Ms. Earnshaw, and like I said,

I'm responsible for the safety and comfort of all our guests.

And as long as I keep receiving noise complaints

Like I said, I didn't want to come knocking on your door

But I wanted to discuss this over the phone

And find out, you know, get to the bottom of this

Without causing any more issues

For the other guests in the hotel tonight

I'm absolutely 100% astounded

That we're even having this conversation

I've been fast asleep since 11 o'clock tonight

You've woken me up at 4 o'clock in the morning

It is not coming from my room

So if you'd like to send a security card back

You can check my phone

I've not been on the phone since 10 o'clock this evening.

So are you telling me that you weren't shouting loudly on the phone

and using profanities at 10 to 4 this morning?

I tell you what, can you come up to my room?

I would like to prove to you, now I'm wide awake,

I would like to prove to you that that is not me.

Can you come up to my room, please?

Well, I mean, would you prefer to come down to the desk so we can talk about this?

I mean, James, I'm in my pyjamas fast asleep in bed.

No, I wouldn't like to come down to reception.

I've been asleep since 4 o'clock this morning, so I would like to prove to you that it's not me.

And then maybe you can go find the real source of the problem.

So, I'm now shaking with anger. Would you like to come up to my room, please?

I'm a married man. It's not for me to come up and see you in that state.

But if you would like to come down to the front desk, I'd be more than happy to discuss it.

I could send security to escort you if you'd like.

but I'd really rather not have to have this discussion again.

I mean, if I can get your assurance, you'll stop with the loud noises.

It's not me.

I was apologising and saying that.

It's not me.

I believe you're not hearing me or understanding.

It's not me.

It's genuinely not coming from me.

I've been fast five hours and I've disturbed my sleep.

I am now a guest in your hotel as well.

I'm telling you, it's not coming from me and I don't sleep from night tremors

and I'm not shouting.

I'm fast asleep in bed. I'm ashamed to listen to me. I've been fast asleep since 11 o'clock.

I'm a professional management consultant. I came to a hotel. I specifically asked reception

to put me in a quiet room so that I could get at least a night's sleep, and I went to

bed at 11 o'clock, and he's woken me at four in the morning. He's woken me at four in the

morning.

The quieter section of the hotel is the reason why I have to be a little less lenient with

regards to noise complaints, and we take them very seriously.

Can you accept that it's not coming from me, please?

Otherwise, I'm just going to have to come downstairs

and then there's going to be one hell of a complaint on my behalf.

But you're waking me up at four in the morning.

It is not, James, it is not coming from me.

It is not. I have not been on the phone.

I've been asleep since 11. I'm not lying to you.

I've been asleep since 11 o'clock. You've woken me up at four in the morning.

I'm now wide awake. I'm probably likely not to get back to sleep again.

Thank you, brother.

I don't know what your security guard was listening to,

but it's not coming from me.

Well, like I said, the only evidence I have is

is from the noise complaints I've got from your adjacent rooms.

I remember the security guard who was stood outside your door

who came back and told me about this.

So I'm, you know, I'm not...

I'm sitting here. I'm not even...

Hello?

Are you saying that I'm lying?

No, not at all, but, I mean, perhaps you're confused.

Kind of a wind-up.

I'm confused because we're coming up at four o'clock in the morning.

I'm thinking about the same room.

I'm in 408, and I'm...

Well, are you, um...

Sorry, are you aware of the time, Sergeant Shaw?

It's 4 o'clock in the morning.

I've just checked my phone.

Awesome.

Is that time?

No?

That was good.

Okay.

Would you like me to...

That was good.

Thank you.

That made me laugh.

Let's continue.

Oh, my.

I'm really concerned for the occupation with the time.

Is that not...

God.

...like a behavior?

Well, when you left in disgust last week, we started...

Well, you were around for one of those where I played that sound on accident when they

asked what time it was.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's almost done.

I like this.

This is good.

Good, good so far.

Are you okay, Ted?

We'll have a full review at the end of it.

Put you through to the security guard.

He's just come back to the desk now.

Yeah, right.

That would be great.

Okay.

Grimace, can you just speak to Mr. Henshaw, please,

and explain to me what you explained to me?

Hello, how are you doing?

Hi, I'm in room 408, and I've been asleep since 11 o'clock.

Yeah.

And I've been now woken up.

Yeah, I know.

I've been asleep since 11 o'clock.

Yeah, I know.

I walked past your door.

Is his name the Grimace?

The Grimace.

I walked past your door later, lady, and I heard a noise.

I put my ear on the door.

I heard a moaning.

You heard a noise?

Yeah, I heard a noise.

It's 11 o'clock.

Yeah, no, no.

I heard a noise.

I walked past your house.

I listened to the door.

I heard a noise.

I heard a moaning noise.

You're making a noise very loud.

I'm going to go back to sleep.

And if anybody has...

No.

This is serious, lady.

You can't do it.

If you don't listen, you don't comply.

I have to take you out of your room, lady.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, hey!

Yeah.

Sorry, this is just a prank call.

You've been set up by your daughter, Gracie.

You're actually streaming live on the radio now.

Woo!

91.3, Gold FM.

What are you going to say?

Well done.

You've been a great sport there.

What are you going to say to Gracie?

What on earth is this?

You've been set up by your daughter, Gracie,

for a prank call on 93.1 FM.

Oh, aren't you just going to kill her?

I don't even know what is going on.

Oh, what a crazy little rug rat you've got there.

Keep her on a leash, ma'am.

Thanks for being such a great sport there, Sally.

All right, well, good work, UK Ted.

Nice, good work.

I'm more of a 98.6 a mouth guy myself.

98.6 a mouth.

That would have been better, I think.

but good enough good enough all right cool well that was good richie sent in a number richie

wanted to let swollen nuts uh know that he will defend your girlfriend if needed uh we have sophia

stupid girl don't mention my name being richie don't say richie milkman all right don't say

richie don't say it don't say richie maybe i will say richie richie maybe i'll teach you a lesson

for playing games your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system three four

Alright, 3-4.

3-4!

Yeah, keep going on here.

Keep moving on, rather.

Moving right along.

Oh, boy, I'm tired!

Ooh, tired.

Did those guys say what they recorded that on?

I don't know.

I need a good Skype recorder.

I can't seem to find one that works.

There's a famous one called MP3 Skype Recorder, I thought.

I didn't know.

I'm going to get it right now.

MP3 Skype Recorder?

I think that's what it's called.

I used it, but I didn't really have a need for it.

I've used it.

It works.

seems to work it automatically records every single call you make kidding now i think it's

called mp3 skype record altogether look it up i'm sure the chat room can help you out uh dustin

sent in a number for used cows ask him if he does trade-ins okay used cows all cows used for

something sexual things eating bartering milk milking your call has been forwarded to an

automatic voice message system no cows there for now also have a different number here no we don't

same thing used cows can big can in the chat room likes our link on facebook that's good thank you

much appreciated for liking that uh ken ken ken sent in a number to ask about a tv license in the

uk the name of the company is milky that makes no sense the name or company's milky uh-huh all right

here we go friend of milkman's probably i don't know no answer there but uh corrupt corruption

has sent in a lady named deborah not mansfield who posted on facebook asking quote anybody know

of some good building material that you would like to give get rid of giveaway or cheap give

me a call phone number and uh it was about 30 minutes ago a black woman religious manager at

It's Subway in the process of buying a house.

She needs building material, Milkman.

All right, let's do it.

Got a bunch of beer cans.

You know, UK Ted says beer can is bacon in Jamaican.

Beer can.

320, number 549, El Cerrito Plaza.

Hello.

This is Debra.

Yes.

Hi, Debra.

I understand you're looking for some building material,

good material to build with for your house, housing.

Yes.

What kind of things were you looking for exactly?

Exactly. Let's see if I can help you out.

I need a few sheets of tin, and I need something to go around the bottom of the house.

Yeah, I've got a lot of tarp.

I've got some tin that you can use to make a roof.

I've got tin that these Africans use to make houses with and colored people.

I've got that stuff.

I've got cement blocks that are here.

Most of them, not all of them are broken.

Some are, but most of them are not too broken.

I have toilets also.

Would you like a toilet to sit on, a toilet?

Who is this?

Huh?

Who is this?

This is Cross.

No, I saw you post on Facebook you're looking for some material to build a house, building a house.

Right, right.

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Where do you live at, here?

Yeah, I live there.

And, you know, I was just hoping that you could help me get this.

This is a good tent, a good quality tent.

I have a few toilets also that you can use.

You can sit down on the toilet.

You can have the toilet, if you like.

They're clean toilets.

They're new.

They haven't been used.

We've got the tarp.

You think you could put the...

What do you have?

Like, it's like a house with the under, the crawl space underneath?

You know, I really don't know what's under there.

I really don't.

Are there snakes and spiders down there, maybe?

Is it like a crawl space?

Like, what's it like?

I don't...

Is there like...

Oh, she hung up.

Yeah, she probably hung up.

Well, my Debra didn't last for too long, right?

I thought it was Debbie Mansfield for a second there.

It sounds like.

It sounds sure as hell like it, dude.

Yeah, I was like, wait a minute.

I'm going to blow up your house.

Kiss my face.

I'll play one of those Deborah Mansfield calls and I'm on the break.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is it like a space underneath, like a crawl space under the house like that

that you need to cover from animals and things?

Because I have like the netting and all that.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, I'll even help you out.

I'll take care of that for you.

What I do is I use about two foot stakes of wood, and I put them down, and then the wiring goes around it, and it's like a netting.

And nothing gets through that.

No animals, no squirrels, raccoons, nothing gets through that.

Okay, so what did you say your name was?

This is Cross.

Cross.

Yeah.

No RSS?

Yeah, and how many toilets?

Is it just you?

You know, would you just need one toilet?

Well, you can't use it one at a time.

I don't think no one can.

I mean, is there more than one person?

How many people are going to be there?

I'll give you a toilet for each person.

I'll put in toilets and everything everywhere.

No, we don't want enough for each person.

What's that?

We don't want more for each person.

No, we don't want that.

Oh, well, you can wash your face and your hands in the toilet also.

Yeah, okay.

So, is this a joke?

No, no.

Yeah, so, but I'll take it anyway, okay?

Listen, do you want me to help you out with the netting to cover the animals so they don't come in?

No, no, no thanks.

You know what can happen?

A friend of mine, he had a snake come through the toilet and bite him in the vagina.

Yeah, that's okay.

The snake will bite you.

It will go inside your vagina and make babies.

Your friend got bit in the vagina?

Yeah, his friend.

His friend, that's right.

My friend, he got bit in the vagina.

Right on the vaginal phobia.

me uh tabachi sending me a message saying he sent you some uh something skype send me some

toilets he's trying to get rid of hello uh she doesn't want to play anymore uh the lady that

needs free things i like that thanks corrupt corruption you you've been a long time friend

of the show and uh you're deserving of a pat on the back i appreciate that um tabachi sending

Are they sound effects? What are these?

One of them says, Banchode Beeps.

Banchode Beeps.

And one minute remaining for the download right now.

Another one that says,

Womanger can sue you.

I don't know.

He just said to open the file or something like that.

It's probably...

I don't know. He needs to try to resend some of them

because not all of them are coming through.

Some of them got canceled because I wasn't paying attention.

So, Tabachi, I'll keep that up there.

Please go ahead and resend those files.

and also let me know what they are i like to know please please report okay just probably easier to

send them in an email isn't it yeah email you know email's ganky skype's fine as long as i get a heads

up then i will go in there i'll i'll pay attention don't cancel the transfers just send them in there

i gotta itch my ear which means you guys on skype are gonna hear some rustling because the

microphone's in my ear god damn it the microphone's in my ear you know sorry oh is that how you get

around it you just stick it in the headphone just stick it in the headphone so you and well

Well, mostly for Milkman, you know, Milkman.

Remember Milkman used to have to hear that crazy echo and all that shit back in the day?

Remember how...

Milkman used to sound like shit.

Yeah, it was wild.

Yeah.

Crazy.

I was listening to some 07-08 stuff, and Milkman sounded terrible.

Oh, you should have heard the 05 stuff, man.

They used to use Gizmo.

Gizmo doesn't even exist anymore.

I think, who bought Gizmo?

wasn't that um that was uh google about gizmo right so the google microsoft they buy everything

yeah and it went to some kind of fifth client too for the toward the end but back then i think my

maximum speed was like 300 so i was like that was like dynamite on the island man so it's no

wonder when i'm getting under 100 up you know that i was sounding like shit holy crap you were

were getting 300k wow yeah remember you had that remember you had that wireless dsl or whatever

remember for a while yeah that one was so bad that was better but we wasn't using gizmo down

that was towards the end yeah towards the end you had that dsl provider that was wireless because

yeah it was a climax provider actually yeah that was wicked i remember that yeah i wish we had

that shit here because that thing was really nice man you could just take it you could take that

that modem anywhere and point out the window at the mountain,

and then you had the signal.

Oh, that reminds me.

These guys, they do one of the Twitch shows.

They do the radio guys, Ham Nation.

They do the ham radio guys.

One of them is on a new –

he's one of the people that are testing out this new satellite internet.

He's in a remote area.

I want to say he's like in a remote area like in Minnesota or some shit like that or Montana and a vacation house that he has there with his wife.

And he's got a satellite connection that's like, I think he said it's like 50 down and 50 up, 50 megs down and 50 megs up on satellite.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I'm trying to remember.

I've got rockets on that shit.

Yeah, I was like, whoa, what the fuck?

What protocol is that?

I get like maximum is like 600 per use, man.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, yeah, Hughes sucks, too.

Like, if that satellite, the dish isn't pointing right, it's shit.

And I think you have to use a phone line for the upload, right?

Like, it's dial-up speed upload, and the download's, like, maybe, like,

like you said, 600K down or something.

I'm trying to see what Ham Nation satellite.

What was he saying?

What provider?

He was talking about this.

Yeah, I don't know.

He said it was new, that they were still trying it out,

but he was one of the test people, and he was getting, like,

50 or 20 or something whatever it was it's like that's pretty goddamn decent for satellite i'd

jump on it in a minute get on anything that's in the mags man it's got to be working no it was

several mags it was comparable you know half a half a k whatever it was it was comparable to what

um you know i get now from comcast i was pretty impressed i was like wow satellite satellite's

fucking jinky like i know what my mother-in-law has it and in the winter time it's fine but when

When the trees grow and shit, the leaves, it fucks it all up.

Yeah.

And rain, too.

You get the rain.

Fucking snow and fucking clouds.

You're done.

It's over.

This is a video stream.

Someone says the video stream.

UK test says the video stream is down.

It better not be.

It's been on and off.

Has it?

It's okay to me.

It's never been perfect.

At least it's working okay.

Better than it was before.

At least it's working.

Well, he's in the fucking UK.

Who knows what's happening in the ocean.

He's fucking stupid.

Sorry.

No, that was a good prank you did, UK Ted.

And I appreciate everything you do for Madhouse.

Hermano.

Yes.

Did you ever get a hold of the kidney mangoes there back home?

What was that?

I'm sorry, any what?

Kidney mangoes.

No, kidney mangoes, no.

Can't say I'm familiar with that, no.

What's that?

Oh, my God, dude.

They grow all over Virgin Island and Puerto Rico, like, you know, indigenously.

Well, I found a source of them up here, man.

They got a different name, but they're the same thing we call kidney mangoes.

The guava, mango, oh, my gosh, dude, they are so good.

Yeah, mangoes are all right, you know.

After a while, they start tasting like, how do you say, like carrots to me for some reason.

I don't know.

I get that.

Yeah, don't eat the skin, number one.

Oh, no, I don't eat the skin, no.

Some you can, but that's not one of them.

It does kind of taste carrot to me.

All right, so Banchu'd Beeps.

Let's see what this is from Tabachi.

Let's listen to this.

Hey, man, how you doing?

Hey, this is Gary.

I'm in room 110, and we're just wondering if we could get some room service, please.

110?

Yeah, I'm looking at the menu right now, trying to make a place and order.

We'd like a side of bacon, please, two sides of bacon.

And I also would like, where did that go, the veggie omelette.

So two sides of bacon and a veggie omelette, please.

Okie dokie.

Hello.

You okay, buddy?

I know, Bonchon.

Bonchon.

what is this noise your batteries are running dead sir well let's set up a

you can be making money right now sir all it's got is hanging up

it was just a little loud um the guy was going nuts in the background though it sucks it was

was beeping whatever beeping he was how was he doing that holy shit sounds like he had some

soundboard shit going on too god yeah it's like moderate shut all right here's one called haha

maybe this is more of tabachi uh giggling do you think a tracer can stop me yep called it all right

tabachi i don't know what's going on with that man i just don't know man you're really messing

with my zen thing tonight dude special chinese rice come on let's turn it around hello i'm trying

trying to place an order why do you hang up well i just say hello but no right and i'm like i'm

trying to tell you man all right well here's the order you ready pick out the rubber uh it's gonna

be for uh takeout you mean you will come to come my restaurant for pickup right no i come to you

duh yes i want an order of general sauce chicken uh-huh uh-huh spring roll on the side what kind

I don't know, Chinese rice?

Whatever you usually put on there.

Whenever I see Asian women, all I can think about is getting jerked off by them.

After the flip, that's all I think about now.

I was really hoping we'd be able to hear from 722927, but no answer tonight.

No answer there, Milkman.

Well, anyway, any thoughts, Milkman, on how the show is going or not going?

It's going good, man.

Actually, it's going very good, man.

Thanks.

I'm glad you're here to tell me that.

Lonesome sending in more numbers

More request a pranks coming in also

We got stuff all around the board to work with

We got an hour left to show

I am mobile at the moment so that's why my audio

Quality's changed

We're about 33.333%

Through with this show

For now

Alright let's see

Brandon Vegas is calling

I'm going to talk to him

Brandon Vegas

Is my mic too loud or is it alright

it yeah it sounds okay to me don't worry about it everything's too loud tonight so it's all good

okay anyway so yeah drew garabo's got a new show huh yeah i called into it this morning yeah that's

good that's good i haven't heard it yet is it do you know is there a podcast feed of it like his

morning one or no uh no not on this radio station yet there isn't but i have the first day i have

the entire first day stream ripped oh that's good that's good how did you ever get into like

I like Drew Garabo and the Atlanta radio stuff.

You live out in Vegas and stuff.

I'm confused.

Did you hear him on XM or something?

Yeah, because TKS used to be on XM 152, so that's how I started listening to those guys.

Oh, okay.

Cool.

Because Bubba used to be on there, too, until Clear Channel fired him, so I used to even

listen to Bubba on XM back in the day.

Right.

I remember those days.

Bubba, the pig incident.

Now they're all on the same radio station.

You've got Bubba Mornings, Drew Middays, Cowhead, some guy from San Antonio.

That show kind of sucks, though.

Nick and Artie.

Well, Nick and Artie is on right now.

Yeah.

That show is good.

Yeah, I've got the podcast, and I catch it sometimes.

I listen because the podcast is hourly, so I'll listen to an hour of it sometimes.

It comes up in my rotation at work.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyway, so look, looking for more requested pranks here.

See if you've got anything.

thing you're welcome to stay on the line if you'd like all right just don't talk about my mic though

because it sounds like shit i don't know is it's okay you said it sounds like shit on my end but

it doesn't sound that bad to me it's okay all right uh we got that number already done

let's see what else we got here that's deborah the house she's buying uk godfather wants us to

call the bbc hospital no he wants us to call the bbc bristol local bbc station sorry about hospital

numbers uh also can you please unblock me in chat room how did uk godfather got blocked in the chat

room with that oh god why is uk godfather blocked in the chat room what am i missing here brendan

are you in the chat room what's going on the chat room are you there they're just talking i don't

really see any shenanigans going on jeez unban him i don't have time for that right now uh but

he sent in a number for b unless there's a reason for i mean i don't know was there a reason for

For banning him?

I don't see anything.

I'll have to review the logs.

I don't know.

It's just getting a little out of hand.

Mugman's mobile.

This number is in the UK, supposedly.

Comes up with the flag of a country I've never seen before.

I don't know what country is that.

Let's call it a foreign country.

Russia.

All right.

Let's call it Russia.

If this works.

Invalid phone number.

Never mind.

I don't know why I still can't figure out how you do the 011.

i think it's i did the plus four four and take out the zero one one or the plus zero i just did

it a minute ago plus let's see i see plus four fours in the little log here yeah it's like plus

four four one one all right let's see good is that crazy fucker crazy fucker is that you there's a

there's a gentleman in the chat room as cffc is that crazy fucker we've been i've been watching

out for crazy fucker i know he comes in sometimes crazy fucker is that you identify yourself and

and get me a phone number to give you a call at send me an email send a request to prank in the

chat room with your phone number crazy fucker that's really you i really would like to talk

to you got a lot of things to talk to you about so if in the chat room if cffc is crazy fucker

from california uh please contact me uh through new new uh you use the request to prank button

there in the chat room that you're looking at there's a button that says request a prank click

Click on it and fill out your phone number in there.

Put me a quick message or if you can figure out how to send a private message in there,

if you click my name once in the chat room, you can send me a private message.

I would love to talk to you.

It's been years, man, and everyone asks about you.

It would be great.

Thank you.

How many downloads does the podcast get?

Because I ran into someone that actually heard of me a while ago,

and I was like, what from what?

Really?

Because I always remember the old shows.

I only had like 30, 40 live listeners, and we knew who all of them were.

So when this person came up to me, I had no idea who they were.

It kind of freaked me out a little bit.

The last time I had stats running on it, it was, mind you, this is a year and a half ago.

It was right before I moved and then got sick.

I think there were a few hundred.

I want to say it was hovering around 350 to 380 on average of daily hits unique to the podcast feed.

So that means there was people that had it subscribed, and their feeds were checking at least 24 hours a day, every day at least once.

Looking for updates and stuff?

Yeah.

But I think we lost a lot of them when I had that long period when I was sick, when I didn't do shows for a few months.

And with the move, I had like two months off, and I came back, and then I got sick.

I think it's picked up pretty quickly.

But my problem is I went to go check recently, and I logged into my hosting control panel, and the stats were disabled.

I don't remember ever disabling the stats.

I re-enabled them, and I don't know if – I've got to go in there and check and see if I can find out.

They changed the control panel, and for some reason, I can't figure out how to determine who hit that subfolder where it is.

so i'm i'm working on it i am curious and we're for a while they were hovering with 300 i would

say we're probably at the same right now just on feedback i don't know so that's cool it's mostly

i mean well actually our live listeners we i hit over 100 every week now that's good okay we've

been hitting combined not just on one station combined cacti and blue planet uh 100 we might

maybe we have two or three maybe we have about five or ten unique people just on live stream also

so we're over a hundred each each week that's that's pretty good that's really good i didn't

expect that to happen anytime soon yeah for a live show especially yeah so that's good that

gives you an idea there's probably a lot more i would say there's probably a lot more uh podcast

listeners than there used to be anyway okay the thing is up until this week i've been good i've

been i've kept it updated i haven't missed a week always once a week once a week and i i didn't have

have a chance so it sucks i'll catch up all right we're calling the uk milton sills is the first

number we got other businesses we can call also but it's getting that time kind of warm in here

thinking about going turning on the fan thanks hello hello this is milton or is milton there

i'm the man is in charge of watching the toilets being flushed too much um i'm in charge of

watching the water usage here in this area of london on robin hood lane and there's a report

There's a lot of flushing from this home, a lot of water usage.

I don't know, is there a leaky faucet there perhaps?

I'm joking.

What time is 5 o'clock in the morning?

Well, I know.

It woke me out of bed.

The alarm came on, and I'm on call, and it said there's a water leakage from this home.

I know.

Hang on a second.

What?

What's your name?

My name is Cross.

I'm with Valentin Associates.

We're contracted with the U.K. government, the Department of Water Association.

Yeah.

well it there i if there's a water leak there's a drought right now drought conditions in england

i don't know if you're aware the united kingdom okay yes am i speaking with milton sales great

this is uh cross cross valente i'm with valente and associates and uh we're contracted by the uk

government specifically london uh because of the drought conditions if there's a water leakage in

any residence or building uh the computer notifies someone on staff and i'm the on-call person for

tonight and within the last hour there's been a large amount of water leakage from your home

so we're calling to ask you to please correct that i don't know if you have a leaky faucet

or do you have a spout outside a source of water outside of your home that might be on that someone

left on perhaps or any of your thoughts can you check your faucets then perhaps maybe one of them

is dripping or leaking water the water pressure is is not staying constant it's been fluctuating

and dropping can you can you you know you know what happens sometimes is that there's some air

in the toilet and the pipes leaving uh out through the toilet machine can you can you

you do me a favor can you ring me at nine o'clock in the morning well could you just to solve this

so i don't have to bother you again can you just flush the toilet and i'll watch on the computer

and it should go down and i can just leave you alone and this will be over well if you just

flush the toilet i'll see the drop and it should and if it comes back to normal then that's all it

is there's there's air in the pipe sir i think that's what it is i have your number i will bring

you back in the morning sir you have air in the toilet machine and what this is valente and

associates yeah and i will speak to we get our water from thames water yeah and i will speak

to them in the morning can i have your name we're contracted with thames water sir you need to abide

by this we're going to shut your water off in the next 60 minutes we're going to shut your water

off from the from the street in the next 60 minutes if you don't get this solved but there's

nothing happening well i'm telling you what 70 of the time that this is happening there's some air

that got into the toilet pipe the pipe that leads out from the toilet and if you flush it it'll

resolve itself the computer will show me and that'll be it all right i'll flush the toilet

go ahead please all right let me do a check coming up now all right okay this says here that well

Well, it's going down a little bit.

Is it still filling up, the bassinet in the back, the holes in the water tank?

Is it still filling?

Well, tell me, can you let me know when it stops, please?

Obviously, the water pressure is still fluctuating.

Ridiculous.

Is it still going?

Do you have one of those slow ones?

No wonder.

Is it done?

No.

Can you close the valve under the toilet?

It's full now?

All right, let me do a check here.

Hang on.

Don't flush.

Please don't flush the toilet again.

Actually, no, it's not full now.

Okay.

It's a very slow...

Wow, goodness.

Goodness, how old is that?

You know, Thames Water will subsidize new toilets and fixtures for you

if you need help financially to do that, more efficient ones.

You can get them to ring me.

Is it done? Is it done, sir?

No, it's still...

How long does it usually take?

There's a valve under the toilet that you can turn to close it.

Can you do that for me?

Why would I want to turn it off? It hasn't filled up yet.

Well, that's fine.

Just to stop it, and I'll do the check,

and if it's okay, then you can turn it back on and let it finish.

No.

Jesus.

You have to work with me here, sir.

You have to work with me.

We're going to shut the water off in ourselves.

We're going to shut it off.

I'm sending a technician out right now.

Okay, you do.

Well, dispatching technician.

Kind of pretty cooperative of them.

Nice.

Slowest toilet ever.

Good God.

Tell me about it.

Slow fucking toilet.

I think it was one of them hand pump deals where you got to hand pump the well to get the water.

I know.

One of those ones, the lever on the chain.

You know, the pulley.

They got the water bottle.

You know, they got the tank clip over your head.

Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking

Attack with the chain on it

Yeah

It's kind of like a shower

It flushes your toilet

That was a good one

Alright let me let Tristan

It's the last

Are we okay to have more people on now Milkman

It's the last 45 minutes of the show

Go for it man

It's been a great show man

I'm sure everybody enjoyed themselves

Hey Crikey

Crikey, Crikey, Ken and the Australian are here.

Hey, gentlemen.

Hey, what's going on?

What the hell was that guy doing, filling his toilet by hand?

God, I don't know.

He's sitting there spitting in the back of the tank trying to fill that fucker up.

It's still going.

He had a little one-quart pail, man.

He was taking a bucket, you know, scooping it out.

He was in a cup, sitting there, taking it out of the bowl.

Yeah, exactly.

Holy shit.

Wow.

All right.

Well, we're buying his fuzz with cotton.

Don't have the flushing bow.

That's a shitty toilet.

And as always, the wife's in the background.

It's a wind-up.

Don't hang up.

Don't flush the toilet.

What do you think I'm going to do?

Yeah, it's a prank.

I'm going to hack their house with the toilet flushing.

Imagine you just get an in-home video of them

and look on their faces while they're home.

I saw this on TV.

They come in through the toilet when you're flushing.

Yes, hi, sir.

I'm calling from the United Kingdom Water Administration.

My name is Cross.

I just got an alarm here on the computer that there's some type of water leak.

I hope you know with the emergency acts with the drought in the United Kingdom,

water is a scarce and protected source.

Yes.

Do you have a toilet that's not flushed correctly?

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe you're phoning me at 5 o'clock in the morning

to tell me that I have a flushing toilet.

This is a national emergency.

Do you have one of those toilets that keeps leaking water all the time?

I can't believe this.

This is nonsense.

How have you got a record?

Hello?

Yes, it's all on computers.

We're watching the water usage from your home right now.

How can you do that?

This is nonsense.

Don't be so stupid.

The water pressure from the house and the meter outside.

It's electronic.

There isn't a meter outside.

I'm not metered.

Yes, everyone is metered on this street, sir.

No one's metered on this street.

Well, I'm watching here on the computer, and it says 132 Babington Road has a water leak.

Why are you phoning me at 5 o'clock in the morning?

Because this is an emergency.

I was woken up out of bed to handle this.

How can it be an emergency?

Don't be so stupid.

Emergency?

You phone someone at 5 o'clock in the morning because the water is supposingly running?

That's right.

There's a drought right now, and wasting water is a crime.

We'll shut your water off from the street, sir.

Okay, shut my fucking water off from the street.

I can't believe you're phoning me at this time in the morning.

Can I have your name?

This is Cross Lopez.

Cross Lopez, and you're phoning me from where?

I'm phoning you from the call center representing Valentin Associates,

contracted by the United Kingdom government and Thames Water.

Five o'clock in the morning?

Yes, sir. Five o'clock in the morning.

You have a water leak. You're wasting water.

It's a hoax, because I can't believe this nonsense.

Wasting water.

Yeah, Connie, at five in the morning,

have you heard the early bird gets the worm, you son of a bitch?

Hoax call. Oh, boy.

Yeah, I've never heard anybody refer to it as a coax call before.

It's pretty funny.

Hoax call.

Yeah, that's the first time.

It's a fucking hoax call today.

The hoax caller's on the phone.

I like it when they're in there.

It's a wind-up.

Hang up.

It's a wind-up.

Don't listen to him.

The hoax caller.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

This is Valente.

I'm calling from the United Kingdom Water Administration, represented by Thames Water.

You're a customer of Thames Water, and you have a water leak, ma'am.

Were you aware of this?

Hello?

Yes, you have a leak in your water.

The computer here is showing that there's a water leak in your home.

You're wasting water.

We would like you to correct that, please.

Do you have a toilet that keeps flowing right now, or do you have a faucet?

Who are you?

My name is Valente.

I'm calling for Roger Brown.

The computer here is showing 34 Hays has a water leak.

Well, I mean, that can't be right.

Do you have a faucet, or is there something going on with your water there right now?

There's a waste of water happening for the last 60 minutes.

Where are you phoning from?

I'm calling from, well, Valentin Associates is the company.

We're contracted by Thames Water because of the national emergency because of the drought.

The United Kingdom government basically enacted emergency powers,

and we're monitoring everyone's water usage.

The computer here shows that your home has a water leak

that's been going on for the last 60 minutes.

I'd like you to check all your faucets if you could at least.

Sometimes, most of the time, this is the toilet that has air in the system.

Where are you phoning from?

Well, I'm in the United States.

We're in a call center, and we're working on contract with Thames Water.

Well, do you know what the time is here?

5.20 in the morning, I believe.

Yeah, well, I mean, we don't have a phone call 5.20 in the morning.

The computer gives me an alarm and tells me we need to call you immediately.

You need to fix this problem.

You're wasting water and there's a drought, sir.

Well, there's no tap on.

Well, like I said, when was the last time someone flushed the toilet?

Because what happens is...

Well, I mean, I'll go and check, but I don't think that you've got...

I think you've got a mistake.

Well, what happens sometimes, air gets in the toilet when you flush it,

and it stays in there like a large bubble,

and that causes the water to keep leaking.

that might 90 about 80 percent of the time eight out of ten times that's what happens and if you

flush the toilet it just resolves the problem the computer will show me immediately and then

then we can just forget about this uh would you mind flushing the toilet with me on the line i'll

watch on the computer and let you know okay all right let me know when it's done flushing

is it done it's flushed one all right let me uh run the test here all

right, it's coming through.

Wait, is your tank still filling up right now, sir?

Yeah.

Is the toilet tank full yet, or is it still filling up?

It'll be filling up.

Can you let me know?

I need it.

Oh, did you just flush it again?

I flushed another toilet.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Oh, you just messed up the numbers.

What?

You messed up the numbers on the computer.

Oh, your numbers are way out of whack now.

I wasn't expecting another flush.

Did I instruct you to flush the toilet again, sir?

You did instruct me, yes.

Listen, sir, to the words when I say them to you.

You flush toilets when I ask you to, sir, please.

I know you're trying to help.

You did. You did ask me to.

I'm a professional. I asked you to flush one toilet.

Well, I'll flush two for you. That's even better.

Well, no, that's not right, sir, because now the computer's all messed up.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Well, you know what? I'm going to have to send someone out there to shut your water off right now.

No, don't be silly.

Well, no, we're going to shut it off from the street, sir.

He should be there within the next 60 minutes.

Well, that's very nice of him.

Well, you're going to be without water.

No, I mean, I can't believe it.

There's going to be a full review of your water account,

and then once you've made the repairs to your home, to your plumbing system,

then we'll turn it on.

There's nothing wrong with our plumbing system.

Well, I have information I'm supposed to read to you now

because of this infraction and this violation that you made.

This is no violation.

I regret to inform you, sir, that your water within the next 60 minutes

will be shut down by Tim's Water Association.

It is recommended that you go out and purchase

at least a quart or day or more of water

per person in your household for the next seven days,

after which time there will be a full review

after you've been allowed seven days

for repairs to your home,

particularly your plumbing system.

After a water inspector has inspected your home and passed,

you will be able to return to normal usage

of the water grid.

Check to see whether there's a leak.

now uh sure let me check coming up now it says here now that you're retaining water

on what you're negative water now what do you mean negative water i've never seen this come

up before on the computer i'm confused you're negative water you're producing water now

apparently how are you doing that that's very good i don't understand how that's possible

well it sounds to me as though the technology is not working very well well let's run it again

All right, here we go.

All right, it says...

Okay, it says here that...

No, you're okay now.

Your water's back to normal.

Good.

Okay.

No, no, no.

We've got the water...

I think flushing the second toilet actually is what did it.

There was air in the water system,

and it was causing a slight leak through the bowl of the water of the toilet

where you actually defecate in.

When you sit down in the toilet, you urinate, you defecate inside of it,

and you wipe to clean, and you put papers in there,

and you flush the toilet, and it moves the bowels.

The bowel movements?

Who's what?

Huh?

There was no connection between flushing a toilet,

the way the flush goes, and the water coming in.

Well, that's why I was confused.

That's why it looks like you had air in the system,

in the toilet system that you use there.

I don't know, are these older toilets that you have?

What do you mean by older?

Well, do you have, are they more than 10 years old?

This is a ridiculous conversation since I have a cup in the morning.

Well, I just want to take down the details

because I think it's been very useful to me.

Yeah, see, with these older toilets...

Can you give me your details? Can you give me your phone number?

Well, I'm sure it came up there.

What's your contract number with Thames Water?

The contract number is 020-8556.

020-8556.

No, 020-8556.

And your name?

Okay, my name is Valente.

Who?

Valente.

How do you spell that?

V as in Victor, A-L-E-N-T-E.

Right.

Okay.

And what's your phone number?

Well, then...

You have a wonderful phone number.

That number, you don't have caller ID there?

No, but I just wanted to be able to phone you up.

Okay.

What's your number?

Number is, let's see, 1-1-0-1-1-0-2-0-8-9.

8-9-4-6

6-0-5-2

and where are you?

well that supposedly gets you here to the call center

I'm in Chicago, Illinois

but we do contract work

with Thames Water

that's a company in the United Kingdom

that provides water services

we're not on Thames Water

I know but

the United Kingdom government

we're on Southern Water

water. Exactly, yeah. Southern water is also...

Sorry, it was Anglian water. We're on. Okay, yeah. The United Kingdom government

has basically taken over... Yeah, who's the Prime Minister?

David Brown. I'm American. I don't know.

Who's the President of the United States? Barack Hussein Obama.

Well, is he a good guy? Absolutely, yes. Yeah, okay. Is he crazy?

No, no. He's... What are you trying to say? Well, I'm trying to say that

There's one or two people in the United States who are crazy.

Are you trying to make a threat against the President of the United States?

No, I just want assessing your opinion.

Watch your language, sir.

Don't get snippy with me.

Are you going to vote for him or are you going to vote for Mitt Romney?

I'm going to vote for Barack Obama.

Are you?

Well, okay, good luck.

Anyway, it's been nice talking to you.

What I want to let you know is that if there's air in the system,

you might be having a lot of fiber in your diet.

It might be something like that.

That may be gas when you flush the toilet.

Try to not sit on the toilet and expel gas.

Stand up, do that, then sit down and have your bowel movement.

Some gas is okay, but not too much.

It's been a real pleasure talking to you.

I'm amazed at the sophistication of American technology,

but I'm disappointed in the fact that you don't know anything.

It's Gordon David.

What's his name?

He's got funny teeth, the prime minister.

You know the guy, Gordon...

Tony Blair.

Berlusconi.

That guy?

Tony Blair.

No, he's gone.

He's been gone.

Has he?

Yes, he's gone.

Well, you're ahead of me.

What about the Queen Mother?

Yeah, there's a Queen...

Okay, anyway, it's nice having a chat.

Did you know the Queen Mother is dead?

What?

I didn't know you had a Queen Mother.

You don't have a Queen Mother anymore.

We haven't got a Queen Mother.

Get your facts right, please.

David Cameron.

It's been nice to talk to you.

All right, well, God bless you, sir.

Yeah.

you know British people aren't very religious

I've noticed

have you noticed that you never

run into a religious British

person or that say god bless you

you know I say this all the time people all the time

have a blessed day god bless you

god this

they're all crazy fucks like UK Ted and Nunu

why aren't they into the church

I think if you really pressed it

you could have got him to take a piss or a shit

and get an accurate test

I'm sure he would have did it

I got upset about him flushing a toilet without permission.

His wife kept chiming in in the background.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

All you wanted to do is give one toilet flush, he goes and fires off fucking two.

Yeah.

All right, that was fun.

Nunu says we should guard that number, keep that number.

Okay, I'll put you in charge of that.

Marijuana.

Yo, Carlito, I always put this in Request a Prank, but you never get to it.

Best buy in San Diego, and the manager, Donna, is a cunty old bitch.

All right.

You think they're open?

Fuck it, today's your day.

I think Best Buy is usually closed at 9.

It's 9.30 right now in California.

It depends down there.

You never know.

Yeah, see, he sent this number right at 9 o'clock.

I'll try it.

I doubt it, though.

I think you're right.

I'm going to have to make a note of this for next week,

and I did realize, I did see that in the chat room last week.

He kept saying, call the Best Buy that you sent.

I don't know why I don't see that.

Request a prank when you send it.

Marijuana.

No se, porque no lo veo.

Aquí?

key okay como invalid phone number it's got a two in there what's going on let me try again

they're a fucking q and a one niner did i catch a niner in there somewhere was that guy on a cb

what was that was the old team speak server still around oh shit no wow team speak that's old school

thank you for calling best buy and insanitas ranch town center home of the geek squad did

you know you can make a purchase you have pressed an invalid

we are currently closed

for store hours

press 1

for directions

press 2

if you

yeah marijuana

I'm gonna have to call it next week

please make a note

I'm gonna try to make

I'm gonna write it down in a post-it note

and put it on my screen

on the side of the monitor

I wanna make sure

she probably used to work there

I know

by the time we get to her

she won't work there anymore

Enigma says

you know

this is fucking bullshit

I'm banned from IRC

for doing nothing

a milkman op me for some reason then when you asked why i was up and banned me amd banned me

i've been a long time listener even supported madhouse with donations as well set the live

banner on my prank archive.com site and i even idle irc new new kicks for no reason it's bullshit

unbanned me i don't know what's going on what new what is new new why do you kick enigma so much

what did what did enigma do to you tell me i want to know i'm going to get to the bottom we're going

gonna have a mediation here all right kicked him because he's my mulatto yeah there was a lot of

nunu was doing a lot of uh he was swinging the chain early in the chat yeah he was spamming the

shit out of it earlier too yeah he was spamming and killing kicking people off especially uh the

420 guy is that the enigma guy uh yeah 420 enigma yeah but what was 420 enigma doing

uh nothing really he just talked shit about nunu because nunu's a wanker yeah no no nunu's kicked

me before too man yeah nunu come on knock it off man he says that a new enigma is a cunt

i'll let him back in because nunu doesn't like him there you go look at you he was sitting there

keeping a reconnect reconnect crazy fucker from california i believe it's him says christian

fellow fucking fascists okay very it's a tongue twister crazy fuck i really hope that's you

dude dude come on man if that's you call in let me call you please give me your number send me

an email madhouse radio at gmail.com crazy fucker madhouse radio gmail.com tell me it's you with

your phone number and i will call you i would love to talk to you it's been forever if it's

really you is even listening yeah just in the chat room typing random typing shit i'll put a

chat message there madhouseratedhuman.com

crazy fucker send your number there we go

alright I'm gonna get a bunch of

random numbers I don't have a phone and live in my

van okay

that must be crazy fucker then huh

stealing some wifi from McDonald's

that must be crazy fucker yeah I guess so

that crazy fucker

that crazy fucker milkman you hear that

you're doing better than him man

alright

milkman's cruising around getting

fucking blowjobs in his cab I know man

Ben Bojoff's from French Whores all the time.

Crazy fuckers in his van down the river.

Bulgarian, damn it.

Whatever, Bulgarian.

It's all the same.

They all got hairy pussies.

And hairy armpits.

Yeah, you know, Artie called me yesterday.

Went on a date with a big girl.

Oh, yeah?

And he's like, I don't know if there's a problem.

I'm like, what?

And he's like, she has SBS.

And I'm like, SBS?

What is SBS?

bs he goes stinky box syndrome like oh yuck there's nothing worse than that i know and i'm

like as long as they keep it clean i don't care but yeah well then he's like well that's the whole

thing he said it looks like she hasn't shaved since she last got laid i'm like oh really jesus

yeah so i was like well dude just be nice he's like he likes her she's pretty cool but that

and i said we'll just drop a hint just say hey um i like my girls down you know cleaned up a

little bit down there you know and he's like i don't know i'm gonna let her down easily and

you know already still fucking went for it though that's hard to do he says he didn't he said he got

had the first date and then the second date he got ahead again and then he was trying to trying

to get in that and then he got a whiff and he stopped that's what he that's what he says that's

That's what he told me.

I got to go with what the man says.

Maybe she can't reach it, man.

Oh, God.

Some of these girls, they got big bellies.

It needs to be a sensual thing.

You have to already help her out.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, great.

She needs to get a rag on a stick, man.

Something get in there.

All right.

She might have a tampon in there she forgot about, too.

That's what happens.

Oh, fuck.

Might find a lost remote somewhere.

All right.

Let's go more UK here.

uh frederick bring me on some uk frederick agia pong that doesn't even sound british

sounds like a vietnamese that lives in britain let's call him show take it yeah yeah you can

do a call sure all right give me a break thanks man what's frederick what was it frederick agia

pong agia pong yeah i got something i'm gonna get richie on here yes ready frederick hello frederick

Who the fuck?

Hello?

Hello, sir?

What's getting on?

Hello, Frederick?

Foo.

Answer the phone.

Frederick!

Yes?

Are you there, sir?

Who?

Have you flushed your toilet today?

Who is talking?

My name is Brent.

Your name is what?

My name is Brent.

Looking for who?

Frederick?

Is this you, sir?

Okay, listen.

Do you have your car in the automotive shop?

Where is your vehicle parked right now?

What is your problem with my vehicle?

Well, I just need to know where it is.

It's too early for this, yeah?

My kid will get up because of this conversation.

Don't get to this number at this time, please.

Oh, I don't understand.

Can you speak English?

I'll call back.

That was messing me up because it was coming in as Richie on my Skype machine.

Yeah, I saw that too.

I was like, what the fuck?

Is Richie fucking with him or what?

I thought he was fucking with me too.

I'm on mute here.

Oh, thank you.

Richie, thank you.

Welcome, Richie.

Hello.

Hello, is Freddy there?

Not to quote at this time again, no?

No?

No? No? I don't understand. Are you French?

Don't call this number again.

Are you from France?

Are you okay?

No, that's not true. I'm just fine. How about you?

Is this Freddy's wife? Freddy's woman?

What's your name?

I think we're going to get

either no answer or they're going to be

really mad here.

I'm hoping for the worst.

Yes, is this Freddy's wife? Are you nice to him?

I think you have a problem, yeah?

You are very stupid.

I told you not to call this number again.

No, I'm smart. I called it again.

So what do you want?

I just want to talk to Freddy. See if he's flushed his toilet.

He can't talk to you.

Oh, he can't flush the toilet either?

Are you French? Bulgarian?

You know, if you call this number again...

Hey, if you call this number again, I will give you a number to the police.

Do you understand?

Which police?

No, I don't understand.

Which police? You don't know police?

Okay, if you don't know police, just call again and you'll see what the police...

Policita? Por que?

okay? I said, if you don't know

police, if you don't know who the

police are, call the number again

and I'll give you to the police and you see who

the police are. Do you understand?

Don't call the number again. You think

a tracer can stop me? Huh?

Tell me, are you banjoed? Huh? Is that where you're

from? You know about that?

No, please. Don't

call the police. I don't want you to.

Are you going to put the man on the phone?

Hello? Maybe he just didn't drop.

Let's see if it rings.

Ask him what the police is.

Just ask them what the place is.

He sounds French.

Yeah, something.

Oh, African.

Oh, I got it.

Well, Zaire.

You know there's some French colonies that were in Africa?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

African, French.

South African, French.

Or Haitian, maybe Haitian.

Fucking Freddy let his wife fucking fight his battles.

Do you guys know who this Haitian guy is that added me on Skype?

No.

Did he send you cock pics?

You sent your picture of his butthole, Richie?

Not yet, not yet.

His bleached anus.

Jesus Christ.

His name is El Hachano.

Jesus Christ.

So is he, what, is he scaring you?

Or do you feel threatened?

I don't know, I just got it the second I logged on.

I was like, that was weird.

I was like, why the hell is there a guy in Haiti?

Is it Kony?

Get his Skype name.

You're going to be a child soldier.

He's going to recruit you.

Okay, I got it right here.

I'm going to see his Skype name.

Is he online? Let's call him up.

Yeah, let's call him.

This is a nice guy. Maybe he's listening to the show.

He might be a gay. You're going to watch out.

A lot of AIDS in Haiti.

I'm not trying to talk bad.

You know what?

I was talking to my wife, Athena,

and I said, you know, one of those jackass kids,

if they really wanted to make a good stunt,

stunt, they should go to Africa

and they should be like, I'm Johnny Knoxville

and this is the African bareback and he has

unprotected sex with a random

African woman.

And then six months later, he gets

an HIV test and see if he gets the hit.

Now that

would be the most epic of all

Jack House pranks ever because then,

you know, think about it.

You better watch out, Richie. This guy might try to teach you

the ways.

The ways.

Can you do a handstand?

that's his name i put it in the chat let's escape we should uh call richie's friend over there uh

chill fag boy down there in florida see what he's up to chill cool guy chill fag what's it post that

number in the chat i got it classy chill fag we haven't called him in uh i don't know probably

about a month so he should be ready there you go nothing was ever as good as the first time i

called him it was just like he was creep he was like literally scared that i was like i went to

jail he used the line for that one movie where he's where joe pesci was like i'm gonna go to jail

come back all right milkman the number or code you have dialed is incorrect please

he closed his number he closed his number off oh that sucks fuck he was threatening he's like i'm

gonna kick your ass but i'll try and i'll get my ass kicked and then i'll come back and kick your

your ass again we're calling fred on freddie back in the uk different fred yes good morning fred

yes it's fred there yes hello fred yes good morning i'm calling from the uk water administration

we want to know how many times you flushed your toilet today i'll call you from where

the uk water administration fred can you hear me i can't hear you wake the fuck up fred you

understand stupid calling about the water how many times have you flushed your toilet this morning

me god damn it hello what's the problem with your toilet huh you don't understand the big one the

one you take a shit which house i've got so many houses which house are you referring oh the one

that you're at right now you take a shit in the toilet are you stupid yes i'm stupid huh yes how

many times you take a shit in that toilet tonight tell me how many times you tell me i gotta know

because we're gonna shut your water off you take a shit in there again sir we're looking we're

We're looking at the computer, and it shows feces but no paper.

So how do you clean?

Do you use your hand?

Or do you use the three shells?

God bless you.

God gives you all the energy to do all what you are doing.

Uh-huh.

But can you use...

You know, God will bless and keep you and give you the energy to do all what you are doing.

Okay?

Oh, yes.

May God bless you entirely and your family.

Bye-bye.

You too.

God bless you too.

I object.

Yo, I got to get a shot at that.

That was a perfect idea.

You know, it's funny.

I just mentioned that the UK people

don't seem very religious except for the

ethnic ones you know the immigrants

when you look at a string there was like

the French person this guy's

South African yeah and then

if you remember the blood of Jesus lady it was like

Jamaican sounding those are the only ones

that are religious over there I think it's a godless

country godless

black people love this

Richie you're on

hello sir please enjoy the following

music while you're

Those are important for the UK Fecal Matter Association.

We found out you actually took 11 shits today.

You're only allowed to take 10 today.

You're going to have to make up that fine of about 540 pounds, okay?

Sir?

Hello, sir.

Yes?

540 pounds per extra shit.

That's ridiculous.

Sir, we're complaining...

What are you talking about?

We're complaining you're going to be billed double time, okay?

You're going to get...

I don't believe this.

Fine triple time.

You're going to be $1,500 to the order of the UK Fecal Matters Association, okay?

You're winding me up.

No, I'm not.

You're actually supposed to wait.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Tell me you knew that was Tristan the whole time, right?

I don't think it was Tristan.

No, you didn't.

I don't.

No, you didn't.

I saw this thing lighting up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't lie.

Hey, horse.

You hear me?

I got your back.

Horse.

Yeah, I'm in Friday Big Garage, Underground Garage.

I'm coming out.

The signal may bounce and hang up.

All right.

That's what happened.

I went inside this garage and dropped some rocks.

Okay, no problem.

Well, I got your back.

You got any recommendation for Artie?

He's dating a girl, but she's got a smelly pussy?

Hopefully.

I don't know.

Artie?

Not one.

All right.

Milkman?

Does she drink a lot?

Okay, now I'm out.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, Milkman.

Artie's, yeah, hey, we got your back.

Milkman, Artie's got a girl he's dating, but she has a very smelly pussy all the time.

Do you have any recommendations about that?

Yeah, wash that shit.

All right, douche.

Yeah, well, something Artie could say is that he's turned on by performing douche on women

and bring a douche in everything, you know?

That might help him.

That's a rough job, man.

Especially when it comes out funny, man.

I don't know, man.

He's a piece of shit.

I'm more active.

He's like, I prefer him to go ahead and take care of that shit,

and I take care of all the sloppy parts after.

I let them take care of these little hoes off.

Hey, man, eat your own, man.

And it's better than K2.

Ah, K2.

Nice.

I'm thinking what he needs to do is...

You mix the K2 with the douche

and it's all good.

K2 enema.

He needs to grab her up,

take her over to the car wash

and just clean her up a little bit.

For the rest of it?

For the back of a truck.

Yeah, yeah.

800 PSI, them things you use, man.

Yeah, that actually works.

I didn't have to pay that shit either.

Get the brush out for the soap and shit.

She doesn't feel anything after.

Yeah, if you turn on the steaming function, you know, then you, you know, burn the shark steamer.

Yeah, is this Fred?

Hello?

Yeah, it's Fred there.

Yeah.

Well, why don't you put him on, honey?

Hello.

Hello, Fred.

Yeah.

Fred Billiny.

Yeah.

Hi, sir.

I'm calling from the Water Administration, and were you aware that it's best that when you have a bowel movement to let that sit until you urinate again?

The point being, you flush the water less.

No, wait a minute.

How does it work?

You don't flush when you urinate.

If it's yellow, you let it stay there for a while.

You can urinate up to three times in the toilet without it causing any dangers of bacteria forming or ammonia forming.

Up to three urinations before you flush.

Now, bowel movements, you want to flush immediately because they do carry a lot of bacteria.

QRM.

Hello?

Fred?

I don't know if you would be willing to practice that for us.

Yeah.

Well.

Thank you.

Oh, please.

No.

No, stupid.

Ah, shit.

You should call back.

Get the real person in charge.

Get his wife on the phone.

Ah, fine.

Shouldn't your wife be in the kitchen?

Black and enthusiasm.

Wonder up.

What is the matter with you?

What's wrong?

Well, he needs to not flush the toilet as much.

That's what we're trying to convey to him.

What are you talking about?

He flushes the toilet too much.

We have it on the computer here that he flushes the toilet every time he pees, every time he urinates.

That's not necessary.

Who are you?

I'm with the water administration.

But no one flushes the toilet.

No one flushed any toilet last night.

No, no, we're still in bed.

How many P's? Two or three?

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm trying to make a record of how many P's until you flush the toilet.

There should be at least three P's in there.

No, more than that.

Four?

More than that.

Wow. Well, now, how about, uh,

Dookie? Kaka?

Shit.

She is a filthy bitch.

No, we got four or five peas in that fuckin' toilet

before we let her fly.

Jesus Christ. That's cheap.

It's also important to find out if they have the toilet paper,

because that'll absorb some of the smell as well.

Oh.

Good God, that's nasty.

Tossin' fuckin' cat litter and shittin' the toilet

to keep the smell down.

They're just shittin' in boxes, shittin' in sand.

Man, they're shitting outside of the big sand fucking box.

Kids are flipping out.

I'm dead.

What the fuck is this?

A bigger cuckoo than, you know, if it's SBD, silent but deadly, you can leave that one, right?

But if it's like a heavy-duty cuckoo, then you better flush.

You better flush that.

You use toilet paper.

What if you don't throw the toilet paper in the toilet, but you throw it in the trash can and recite it?

Oh, I've heard of people that do that.

I think Greece, I think everyone in Greece uses the trash can.

You know about that story, right?

Because you lived in the Caribbean, dude.

I ran into that, too.

Yeah.

I finally figured it out, and I finally actually verified that.

But you know the reason why that's done.

They wipe their ass, put it in a commode, and put it in a trash can.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

My family never did that, but I knew a family that did that.

It was really nasty.

There is quite a few island people.

Well, the reason why is that the toilet and the plumbing is so,

it's like a couple of weeks out of duty and it stops.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop up the whole neighborhood's toilet.

They think that, okay, well, we'll just put it in the trash.

Yeah, and I hear grease is.

That's the bouquet, obviously, the bouquet.

Yeah.

Well, the UK has got good water.

They're a good toilet.

They flush the toilet.

They flush two or three times after they pee.

Well, I'll be honest.

You've got one of them double flushers.

I'll be honest with you.

I double, if I'm going to, well, listen, if I'm going to poop after I pee, um, I'll pee

first and then I'll flush the second time.

Uh, because there's a little left in there sometimes it's a little, it looks a little

foamy sometimes after you're done peeing sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes.

And like, I don't want none of that coming back up.

I don't want to sit on that.

I'm weird like that.

So, and then also if I ever use like a toilet at work or a public toilet, I always flush

before I sit down.

It gives a shotgun in action.

You got to give it two barrels.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

You don't want that to get splashed up in your ass, man.

Somebody else done evacuated there.

Yeah, I always do a clear-out flush before I use a toilet,

and that's not mine.

Every time.

Do you place paper on the seat,

or if it's somebody's house,

at least wipe it down with a piece of toilet paper?

I don't know.

I put saran wrap on the toilet.

You've got to sit on it, man.

Sit on it.

If it's somewhere in public,

they don't know about it.

You just hover.

You can hover.

hang your ass over you know but you gotta kind of like duck because if not you're gonna cover

all the whole back yeah but you know what you know what i don't like touching those hand bars

because i just i i feel i don't think they get cleaned very often and i just imagine them covered

in shit brown fingerprints yeah i never touched in the fucking handicap bathroom doing fucking

gymnastics

he's got his cover all over the flushing part everything man it's wicked man you know you know

The handicapped one is the most dangerous.

The handicapped one is the most dangerous

because if they're coming in and off the chair,

you get a big stream of shit.

You're not careful.

That's a snail trail.

The worst is their colostomy bag is raised above.

They don't quite make it.

The best thing about the public bathrooms

is read the shit people write all over the walls of stuff.

Sometimes.

And the glory hole, yes.

We got a call.

Who are we calling now, Carlos?

George?

George Zimmerman?

No.

Who are we calling?

This is Frederick.

Frederick does this.

Why does that water go when they flush the toilet over there?

Hello?

Hello, Frederick.

Who's that?

Yes, is Freddy there?

Sorry, it's the wrong number.

It's 6 in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What number did I call?

Sorry, I'm cheating.

Don't call again, please.

Is this 4942?

No, please, hello?

Sorry, don't call again.

I'm trying to reach Freddy.

My cousin.

Help me.

Oh, we've got to call that one lady from last week, give her one more shot, the one who

refused her phone number.

77292, I tried calling her and shooting at her.

Yeah, we've got to do a new poll.

I was talking to these chicks, man, and they talk like they've got a pitch.

Yeah, UTI.

Yeah, that's true.

So maybe you can come back to find out if any.

Oh, that makes sense.

Is that particular to the area of Oakland, California, or is that worldwide UK phenomenon?

Is that American phenomenon, or what is it?

The problem with the Oakland girls is that they go back to front

and then back again.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good basis for a good pulp.

These girls are pretty clean.

I don't know.

I don't like it if a girl pees in front of us like,

God, I've got to stick my dick and fingers and face in that after you peed.

You know, like, you better wash it really good.

You know, they've got to do something with that.

They've got to use the wet wipes, the wet ones on that afterwards.

Well, man, you get the clippings, man.

You get that clitty litter, man.

And then you're like, oh, man, that's not good.

Oh boy, that's the worst.

Did he just say clitty litter?

Yeah, that's when you're going down on a girl

and she's been wiping herself with toilet paper.

You get the dingleberries

when you're going down.

Oh, they go dags.

Girls, keep them clean down there.

Is this Freddy again?

Yeah, this is 722927.

Oh my god.

She probably had a heart attack.

I already tried calling her once. She didn't answer.

We're going to do one more after this and that's it.

And here we go. Nope.

Nope. No game from her.

Maybe we'll leave her alone for a month and call her back.

She died after last week's call.

She was like a robot. It was classic.

Yeah, I can't imagine what was going on there.

Well, she mentioned a daughter, and that was the last time I ever heard from her.

I don't know what that was about, but...

She keeled over.

This is William. Everyone, feel free to jump in on...

Hello?

Hey, William.

Yes?

Is this William or William's Mrs. William?

No, this is William. Who am I speaking to?

Hi, my name is Abbott.

I am with the United Kingdom Water Administration.

There are several of us on here.

We're on a conference call.

We wanted to let you know that you've won an award for being one of the most conservative people with water use in the last 24 hours.

And that's very good.

Very good.

We're very proud of you.

Congratulations.

So I see you've only flushed the toilet about once in the last 24 hours.

Sorry?

I see that you've only flushed the toilet about once in the last 24 hours.

That's very good

Are you practicing yellow let it mellow

When you urinate you let it sit there

And only flush when it's brown

You don't flush

Are you on some sort of diet where you don't have to

Eat low on fiber

Or kind of backed up a little bit

Maybe you should see the doctor about that

What do you think

I don't think so

You've got to be kind of like a camel

Holding all that water in

You'll be posting out your invitation

To the golden toilet award

It's made of actual 999 gold

What's this all about, Keith?

19-carat gold toilet award.

Well, we're looking on the computer,

and it shows here that you haven't flushed your toilet too much.

You've been a model citizen and a model water user.

We want to thank you in this time of the United Kingdom drought

for conserving water like that.

It's very good, very good.

Thank you very much.

We appreciate it.

Bye.

Okay? All right.

And just so you know,

you'll be receiving your next three months of water service for free.

For free, absolutely free.

Feel free to flush your toilet as much as you want now.

Good work.

i want you to feel free to go outside with your water hose fucking just spray it all over the

place laugh at your neighbors because they can't do it yeah feel free feel free sell the water

bottle it and sell it all right william take it easy he was actually like oh thank you

well now it's getting to that time of the day when people are actually waking up over there

yeah a little more coherent yeah all right well um you know wake up call yeah thank you well it's

It's time for everyone to go out on their ass here.

Brandon Vegas, you're out of here on your ass.

Thank you, man.

Yep.

See you later.

Ken, Big Ken, out on your ass.

Thank you.

Richie.

Peace.

Out on your ass.

Who else is here?

Tristan.

I'm here.

Snooty.

Pick a name.

You're out of here on your ass.

See you, man.

One name only.

All right.

And Dirty Aaron, last but not least, on your ass.

Thank you, sir.

Good night.

Thank you for kicking me in my ass.

Milkman, we did it.

Hey, my brother.

Get us out.

I dare you a lot, folks.

We will never forget you.

We love you always.

Thank you for all the wonderful things that you do to help keep this

world a whole brand.

I'd like to thank you.

That's right.

You.

That's right.

Just for you.

That's right.

The most fun to join into on the internet or anywhere for that matter.

That's right.

And the enemy right here in the mountain house.

Yep.

That's right.

But what we desire.

That's right.

Thank you so much, my brother.

I appreciate you forgiving me.

And my black eye is almost gone now.

Oh, sure.

No problem.

Thank you, man.

And I'm sorry for putting you on the air last night and today.

It was a terrible night.

Somebody has to do it.

All right.

Well, everybody, thanks for listening.

As Milkman said, thanks to Lonesome Loser, everyone who sent in numbers, everyone in the chat room, everyone who listened, everyone who will listen on the podcast.

podcasts and more most importantly um everyone who got prank called bus tonight thank you for

being such uh likely targets i don't know whatever thanks thanks for dealing with good sports all

right milkman you have a good night i'll talk to you later on i'll try to get you in the weekend

all right see you later man all right we'll catch you next week everybody see you later

Calls (21, 1 h 18 min of 2 h 44 min)

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