Little Black Sambo

I ain't no fucking game, dude.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

Perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Sorry I'm late. Too bad.

Thanks for tuning in, everybody.

Madhouse Radio.

I'm Carlito, the guy with the cigar behind the microphone.

Milkman is hiding under the covers in his mom's house,

in his old bedroom that he grew up in.

He's not allowed to use the phone after curfew, but he's here.

Milkman!

Yes!

Oh, he's so good looking for you, my brother.

Oh, wonderful to hear you, Melodious Tones, my friend.

And we surely have missed you, my friend.

I hope all is doing well.

Perhaps you could update us.

We surely have missed you.

And looking forward to some great activities right here in everybody's favorite place of mine, house!

Yeah, thank you, asshole.

Ha ha.

Ah, you're cool, Milkman.

You're all right.

You're all right, man.

All right, let's do this thing here.

I am Carlito, the host, as I said,

and Madhouse Radio will take your prank call requests all frickin' night

and send them all on in.

I prefer you do that.

That way I don't have to do a lot of thinking when it comes to things.

Send those requests of pranks in over at the madhouselive.com website.

Very easy to use.

Not hard at all.

It's very easy to use.

You can also send your requests over to me on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

madhouse radio is the screen name to do that on that was a that was an effeminate burp that was

a kdk style burp there that's right madhouse radio on aol and yahoo instant messenger and

if you're using msn messenger madhouse at live.com be sure to follow me on twitter madhouse on twitter

there's just a whole bunch of ways to follow us and have fun do it why don't you here's my lighter

i left my good lighter on the car milkman my torch lighter my butane lighter for lighting cigars left

left it in the car, left my cigar cutter in the car.

So I'm punching a hole in my cigar with a pen, a ballpoint pen,

and then I will light the cigar with a shitty Bic lighter

for cigar aficionados like myself.

That's what I got.

I spent a good chunk of money on it, you know, and left it in the car.

Everyone, I get compliments on my cigar lighter, my lighter all the time.

It's great.

before they light my steamer.

It's by the Xicar company.

X-I-C-A-R.

Xicar.

The problem when you use any

regular flame lighter,

it doesn't light right.

The proper way to light a lighter.

I'll tell you kids out there, if you even

fucking care, assholes.

Except for the butane ash. That black jam

that comes out of it, too.

The first thing you do is you hold your lighter.

I can try to do it. It's not going to be as good with this.

It'd be nice if I was doing this with a real lighter.

you don't you don't just stick it in the flame all right and start puffing away that's retarded

you're going to ruin the taste of it you're going to screw it up it's not going to burn even

and it'll probably mess up because i'm doing with this kind of lighter it's just to use a torch but

anyway you uh what you do is you want you burn what they call the foot the end of the cigar is

the foot you hold the flame you put the cigar in the flame and you just burn that until you start

getting embers it turns white until you want to get the whole thing covered in a small layer of

ash it's got to be nice and burnt you're basically charring charring the foot of the cigar that's

going to take so long with this stupid thing i'm gonna probably explode on my hand then after

you've done that after you've gotten a good uh layer of ash on the foot then you put the cigar

in your mouth and then you hold the cigar not in the fire you put it as close as you can to the

flame so the heat gets to it and then you puff slowly and you turn at the same time so that you

You go even around it.

See, there we go.

Like right now, you probably can't see it well on the camera,

but just about got a nice layer of gray going across the whole end of the cigar there.

Got one little spot there.

And this is what keeps it from burning on one side more than the other.

See, look at that.

Perfect.

Beautiful.

We're surprised I was able to light.

Oh, it's nice.

Nice, nice, nice gray back on the end.

Nice, yep.

That's all.

And then now I'm going to light and just roll it and puff at the same time.

Do not put the end of the cigar in the light.

Keep it away.

Pouring the heat.

Yep.

Oh, this lighter sucks.

There we go.

All right, good.

Now we're going to do a show.

I think I'll do a Jack Masterson call with a cigar instead of a highlighter toss.

All right.

Yeah, with a cigar in my mouth, right?

Yeah.

That's true.

I'd be choking and coughing anyway.

So I hope you're all having a great week.

Guys, I had my eye surgery.

My eye surgery went well.

I had a follow-up earlier in the weekend.

the day after the surgery on saturday had a follow-up they said everything was okay had

another follow-up today everything's still proceeding okay uh you probably can't tell

on camera but the one right eye is pretty red i put a picture on the madhouse facebook that

showed my eye the uh the day after the surgery i had a patch on it the whole first night so i

couldn't show up off what it looked like right after the surgery and i probably wouldn't be

able to it would have hurt to open my eye at that point um but there was a picture out there

um i don't know i don't have it ready i can't put it on the camera feed for you guys to see

you're gonna be awesome with your new board hi dude you'll be able to like see you know into

the future and the past and the present all in one vision that red eye the the red little laser

eye thing yeah yeah you know you're a stone with the card has been man now you know now the man

house eternally well the main man of the madhouse man no it looks freaky man i'm not kidding you

it does assimilate assimilate hang on i'm gonna put on the camera for those of you who don't have

access to that i'll put that on a camera for you here real quick give me a quick give me a second

we'll go to still images add file folder i'm gonna open the whole folder i want you guys to

see my other pictures my dirty pictures private private pictures here we go prayer to be surprised

that's my eye right there oh my goodness day after the surgery you see are you looking

that is bad right you see that i mean it looks painful dude i mean if i wouldn't know anything

for sure you'd be playing with uh photoshop my brother

i'm glad you're coming back welcome to the future that was about 24 hours after the surgery was over

i took the enterprise so much seven million dollar man right bionic eyes bionic lungs

yeah i heard the robo penis and all that stuff from old lady team there surgery cost probably

Probably cost that much for the insurance company, to be honest with you.

Knowing the way the medical industry is, probably did cost that much.

Anyway, so let's take a look here.

Thank goodness for that insurance benefits, man.

Right.

Anyway, let's take a look here, see if we got anybody in the chat room who's sending in requests to pranks.

Marsha Pink says, hey, Carlos, how did you know my real name?

Oh, my God.

i did a request to prank this week for marijuana for a bitch named sharon in arizona okay all right

we got that let me look at the request to prank sin lonesome isn't here yet oh yeah keep in mind

for those of you who are paying attention and who are involved not milkman because he's a girl

but uh for those of you who are involved with the madhouse draft it is going to be it's been

changed instead of uh instead of saturday it's been changed to uh sunday sunday night at 9 15

9-15 at night, 9-15 tomorrow night, the Madhouse Fantasy Football NFL Draft.

Milkman, you know, all you had to do, it just takes like an hour a week, not even,

like 15 minutes a week is all the time it takes to sit down and set your roster,

and that's it.

The NFL Draft.

I've heard all this, dude, but unfortunately, I don't keep up with fans.

I'm on a staff longer, and I'm not going to be able to keep up with you guys,

and I'm going to end up screwing up, and besides that, you know,

and my work is going to start changing here on the weekends.

I'm not going to even be able to really follow it.

I just thought I'd do the, I could have owed you the space and ruined it for everybody,

but I thought I'd do the crime thing and do the manly thing

and go ahead and give it to somebody that actually is going to appreciate your spot.

All right, well, we've done that.

Thank you, Milkman.

Very nice of you.

Gave up your spot.

Who won the spot, anyway.

Richie, Richie, Richie the Giggles.

Richie Giggles took it.

Richie, do me good, my brother.

Do me good, man.

Put in some good shots for me.

Yeah, get Warren Sapp and, fuck.

This is Warren Moon.

Get all the Warrens in there, you know.

Deion Sanders, good team right there.

That's what you should have done, Milkman.

You like Deion Sanders, right?

You could have had him on your team.

I like Deion, man.

Deion must have been a great sponsor.

Do you have any great coupons?

You could have had Dante Culpepper as your quarterback.

That would have been good.

Well, I want Terry Bradshaw, dude.

But, man, I've had a hard time finding him anywhere in the roster.

Okay.

All right, so we do have a request of pranks here to get to.

Chelsea, Manager's Chelsea, I tried to buy a large one-topping beef.

Beef on a pizza, huh?

By the way, which networks are we being carried upon tonight?

I see some other faces, and I'm wondering.

Well, let's see.

Right now we're on The Mouth, 98.6 The Mouth, as usual.

The World Famous Mouth.

We're on the, whatchamacallit, Blue Planet Prank Radio.

That's right, and we're on Syndicate Radio with zero watch, zero viewers.

Nobody.

One viewer.

One viewer on Syndicate.

I don't understand why there's only one viewer on Syndicate, but here we are.

I gave a shout-out to our good friend Dr. Lego, who's online, but he's not.

Dr. Lego.

How's it going, man?

He's good, man.

He's doing good.

See, yeah, he's doing good.

Last I heard from him, he's doing more of a music thing.

He doesn't do pranks, but he has his band, though.

He actually makes guitars, dude.

He's telling me like a lynch, dude.

He's actually making his own solid body Spanish-style electric guitar.

Yeah.

You know, solid body.

Yeah, Milkman, you're supposed to pee in the sink today live on the air,

according to Facebook.

You're going to be peeing in the sink.

Is that true?

It's true.

Are you really going to pee in the sink?

Nick, that'd be awesome.

I'd like to hear that.

I've got the hose right here unrolling.

It's pressurizing.

It won't be long before we have a nice, mad blast.

All right.

Well, whatever.

Andy wants to join the fantasy football.

See, Andy and I even talked about this on the air.

You made a big deal out of it.

Fantasy football's gay.

And those were fags.

And fags are fags.

I really wanted to win.

I should have had it.

And it's filled now.

What took him so long, you know?

You know, you made nasty comments about football and stuff,

and you said it was gay to like football, that football's a gay,

and now he wants in.

See what happened to Andy? Andy lost his chance.

Yeah, man.

Oh, man.

Most of these guys are about out, dude.

Well, we can, I can get, if we find one more person tonight

who wants to join the league, it has to be equal.

We're a 10, 10-player league,

so if one other person says they want to join Milkman,

Milkman, if you join the league, join it, man, and then Andy can join.

It has to be an even number.

So, Milkman, you can be the 11th.

If I ain't carrying the water, you ain't going to fuck everybody up.

Because everything I talk to, they tell me, you know, if I ain't moving the players around

and keeping my good ones, you know, on the bench and all that shit, it just ruins it for everyone.

I'll help you, man.

And this is how you learn football, you know.

You actually get in the league and stuff when you start seeing who's good and who's not.

It tells you the stats, man.

Like, when you go, when you log in, it tells you who's projected to have more points.

Let's do this.

Let's see if there's anybody worthy here in the chat who shows up who will actually be loyal to it.

I cannot promise loyalty.

That's why I have not done it.

There you go.

If nobody wants to join and Andy wants to get in, I'll limp through this thing.

There you go.

Well, Andy, you've got a spot here.

Here, Milkman will fill in the 11th spot and let you in.

If no one else will take it, I'll take the spot.

I mean, I'm just hopefully a worthy player.

I'll show up.

I just don't want to be dead wood and kill it.

But if it takes that to get from a brother in, then we'll do it.

Right.

So, everybody, you've got an opportunity, one last opportunity to join famous Madhouse

Fantasy Football League.

Yeah.

Fine.

All summer.

We still have their money, but it's generally from the Madhouse.

We've got a pretty good crew that's going to be in the Fantasy Football League.

We're looking for Matt.

Corrupt is asking, he has a draft on the 25th on Saturday at 8 Eastern.

Our draft was going to be the same day at 9, but we moved it to the 26th, Sunday.

So if you can make the draft the next day, Sunday night, this Sunday night at 9.15 p.m. Eastern, 6.15 p.m. Pacific.

specific the corrupt corruption corrupt send me a message at im or a email or something and i'll

add you in amd says football is gay there you go well of course the british you know of course they

would think it's gay yeah whatever all right so let's do some prank calls uh let's do a warm-up

here i'm going to be calling us corporate from dominoes oh by the way yeah the podcasts they're

behind i wanted to edit that i didn't have enough time last week because work got really crazy

we had the the one kid that i remember i i talked about that we had a kid um that worked with us

me and and it was three of us me my my team leader and um this young kid just turned 21

and he he was the one that i told him that in the new batman movie superman saved batman at the very

end of it and he got mad because he thought i ruined the i spoiled the movie for him the very

dumb kid not dumb just gullible anyway he quit he started crying he got in trouble at work and

started crying and quit because his daddy said he should quit so work got really crazy last week

because i was by myself because my team leave was on vacation so anyway because of that um i couldn't

i didn't have enough time to edit the podcast like i wanted to before the surgery and then after the

surgery it's just last night was the first day that it felt okay sitting in front of the monitor

uh for a long period of time and i did start editing the one of the shows we're behind two

not including this one i did start editing the editing that show and i fell asleep halfway

through it but there was a call that amd and me did which i didn't even remember where we called

from corporate we did a pretty good job with that so i'm gonna try to do this one in the

anyway what i'm trying to say what i'm trying to say is what i'm trying to say is i'm working on

on the podcast uh this weekend i hope to have uh at least one if not both of them edited by sunday

uh preferably tomorrow night i should have one edited and saturday during the day during the

day i'll have the other one edited so we'll be caught up well we won't be caught up because

then we'll have this show to edit too but fuck it there should be two podcasts coming this weekend

all right we appreciate you oh actually it's true so join us for our customer appreciation

Association Day is here this week and pick up a large one-topping pizza for just $5.99

or order three or more and we'll even deliver them.

We'll be right with you to take your order.

Thank you for choosing.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I got a little bit of an issue here.

I understand that you people don't want to accept the vanilla card.

I'm sorry?

Is Big Chelsea there?

Yes, this is Chelsea.

Chelsea, what's going on that you don't want to accept the vanilla card?

We're not saying we can't accept it.

It just wasn't going through for that one person.

Well, I'm with Visa Vanilla.

Okay.

These Visa cards get sold in our establishments and are also 7-Elevens all across the world.

Yes, I'm saying, I think we've used the Visa Vanilla cards here before.

We weren't accepting that one.

The order wasn't going through for that one.

Well, according to the information I have here, there's no reason that it would have been refused.

And it shows here that it was a problem because the manager,

The note here that came from the bank was that the manager, Chelsea, was rude and refused to take the charge.

Actually, I wasn't rude.

I gave him 50% off the order, so, I mean, it was half off, so he could pay in cash instead.

There was nothing we could do about it.

It wasn't approved.

The card just wasn't being approved.

I mean, there's nothing we can do about it.

What did the 50% come out to?

We didn't authorize that.

I didn't authorize 50% off on the vanilla card.

card it wasn't on the vanilla card he paid in cash instead yeah but i didn't authorize that

discount unauthorized discount and no it wasn't an unauthorized discount he said he had only had

four dollars in cash so i said that's fine you can take we'll take that four dollars in cash

instead of the 811 that you owe yeah but that's not authorized so you don't have the permission

to do that without consulting us first consulting me i had to go into the books first and see that

we had room for that in the book no it wasn't he didn't pay with the visa vanilla he paid in

cash instead so he had authorized it he said that was okay to pay the four instead of the eight well

how am i supposed to enter this into the computer now because now he says it's eight dollars and

then went down to four dollars and i have it as a code 22l and i don't even know how to make the

computer go he only paid he paid in cash so i mean you shouldn't have to enter anything for

your car for the card what's the pay with the card what's the visa merchant code that i'm

going to use for this unauthorized discount now i don't know how to do it he paid i mean he paid

He paid in cash. It shouldn't have anything to do with you guys then.

Well, they said I have to talk to the manager, so...

Well, I mean, he paid in cash. What am I supposed to say to you?

Well, you have to get those $4 back, because I can't put that through.

He didn't pay with his card, so there's nothing I can do to talk to you about it.

Well, he's a cardholder, you understand? He paid the money to us up front first for the pizza.

Yes, he paid in cash, not with the card.

No, but he paid us to get the money on the card, and then there was a reversal on it, you see.

Okay, then just put it through as the $4 instead of the $8.

Hang on, let me try that.

Give me...

Oh, man.

You said put it down as $8?

No, we gave it to him for $4.

We gave him that pizza for $4.

All right, let me see.

And it's coming up.

It says decline by merchant.

Why are you declining this now?

Declining what?

I haven't touched anything.

Well, what's wrong with your machine?

Why is it declining it?

You said I have to put it through as $4, right?

$4 or $8?

$4.

We gave him that pizza for $4.

We have already put it in that he has paid $4 for that pizza with cash, not a card.

$4 even.

Yes, $4 even.

That's it.

Chelsea authorizes $4 discount.

All right.

Now it says declined by Domino's vendor.

It says here.

Yes, his card was declined.

Oh, but I'm trying to put it through now, and your computer machine won't let it go through.

Well, because he's already paid, it's not going to go through.

But it's connecting through the Visa network to your machine.

I don't understand why you're not letting it go through.

There's nothing I'm doing.

I can't talk to you because he paid in cash.

He didn't pay with a card.

Do you authorize the $4 discount then?

He already paid.

He paid $4 in cash, so it's paid.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Thank you.

Going roundabout with her.

How rude.

Rude.

I think we should have the Madhouse attorney call and speak with their general manager.

You just want AMD on so you can talk to him about sending you those drugs in the mail.

That's why.

Well, hell, man.

I mean, come on.

You can't be told by that.

Man, that's a secret.

That's why you want him on, because Milkman gets drugs in the mail from AMD.

Thanks for choosing that.

We appreciate you.

Why, Jack?

Really, it's true.

True. So join us for our customer appreciation day.

We'll be right with you to take your order.

Thank you for calling.

Yeah, I'm still trying to put this $4 discount here that Chelsea said to put through on the computer, but it's not working.

Sir, he paid with cash.

I know, and it's not... I'm trying to put it through, and it won't go through.

Put what through? What are you talking about?

You put in a $4 unauthorized discount. I'm trying to fix it off the books here.

What? I don't know what you're talking about, sir. It doesn't make any sense.

And you paid with cash.

You're the card company.

You have nothing to do with cash.

I know.

That's the whole problem.

He was supposed to pay with a card, and you guys forced him to pay with cash.

Because the card wouldn't go through.

So now we have to give him the $4 back, and now it's on us, and that's not fair.

Why do you have to give him $4?

Because he couldn't pay for it with a card.

He put $8 in and didn't get any use out of the card.

No, we didn't charge him.

We did not charge him with a card at all.

You know, the computer says here that your store got $4, and the customer had to give away $4, and the card never got put through.

Let me check again.

Well, I'm really sorry, because I cannot help you at all.

I don't know what's going on, and I'm going to hang up.

You people...

God, that dude sounds like a total freak.

Oh, man.

It does sound like...

Doesn't it say, like, oh, shit?

I don't know what happened, but I'm afraid I'm going to hang up.

Don't be afraid.

Just do it.

it sounds like the guy says oh shit in the recording listen thanks for choosing we appreciate

you oh shit so join us for our customer appreciation day we'll be right with you to

take your order may i help you yes is this chelsea again yes this this computer is still not working

right i don't i don't know what to tell you i mean it has nothing to do with us he paid in cash so

yeah but you have no connection to you guys you he had to give away four dollars that were supposed

supposed to be in the card and you people ended up with four dollars in the positive the customer's

four dollars in the negative and the charge and the card never went through so how are we going

to fix this well he is not four dollars in the negative yes he ordered a pizza so he had to pay

four dollars for it it's not on the card he didn't charge the card at all now the printer's out of

it's almost out of paper i've been trying to put this through so many times i'm sorry i can't help

if you have pizzas to make.

We'll call...

I had to keep calling her through the night

making stupid complaints.

All right.

We'll move on.

We had enough fun there.

God.

All right.

Well, there we go.

Who was that for?

Big Ryan.

There you go.

Hope you enjoyed your

first entry prank of the night.

The pizza where they stole $4 or something.

I don't know.

Okay.

Milkman needs a new pair of shoes

for his new Asian bride

from Zappos.

You know, Milkman, I was...

God damn it.

You know, I went today to buy some sneakers.

The last time I wore sneakers, I want to say, was my freshman year in college.

It was the last time I bought a pair of sneakers.

Man, are sneakers stupid and ugly now.

What happened in the last, what, 15 years?

97 was the last...

Air Jordan took over, man.

I'm like, you know, all that image.

Like, I want a pair of sneakers, right?

right i want a pair of sneakers because i want to you know i want to walk around you know be a

little more active maybe get on a treadmill a little more i need something with some support

right so i'm like all right let me go i'm like all right i'm gonna get some sneakers for that

right so you know last time i you know like back in 97 98 last time i bought a pair of sneakers

they had a good selection and i go now and all i went to footlocker and half the fucking walls

air jordans uh everything's air jordan air max jordan yeah everything you know and then they

had like a little bit they have some adidas that was it and everything else and they're all they're

all ugly you know if you're gonna get a pair if you're actually gonna pair a seriously you're

actually preparing a short shoe i think what's good gravity fire dot my neck well i was going

to go to zappos but then you have so i think isn't it with zappos they let you return them

for free if you don't like them or they don't fit you right well that's what gravity devourer has

these now with the special terminate springs and actually what they do is they um reduce the amount

of shock going in your spine and then they actually tell your foot forward so um they're

actually like returning 22 percent of the energy that you put into each step back to you naturally

as you walk look at that very fire.com be serious man they are shoes that's gonna be my next

Oh, well, yeah, they're confirming that Zappos, Dozer says Zappos has a good shoe selection,

and Nitrous Cookie says he bought his own Zappos, and they'll let you retest what I heard.

I had a really, had a really good...

shit and piss in the shoes and all that?

Probably they'll be less than new, so they may, you know, they may dock.

They may reward you, especially if you're going to have to stick in on new, new...

Well, let's call Zappos.

Let's get to the bottom of this whole shoe thing.

I don't know what I'm...

Seriously, I got to find a good pair of shoes and...

Shoe me.

Shoe?

Me.

Okay.

Shoot.

Okay.

F-H-O-E.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCLT scheduling team.

To better assist you with your shopping needs, please press 1 for new orders, 2 for general

questions, 3 for returns, and 5 to hear the joke of the day.

Joke of the day?

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Wait a minute.

No, fuck that.

I want to hear the joke of the day first.

I don't give a shit.

joke of the day yay oh milkman how can we not listen to the joke of the day i guess if i hang

up on milkman an accident that'd be how god damn it i gotta call milkman back shit whoops

hit the hang up button joke of the day that's it we used to do that in prank calls of the uk we

call in be like yeah we got the joke of the day five o'clock in the morning joke of the day we

should do that tonight when lonesome gets here i don't think he is here hey lonesome's here

Hey, have fun with that.

Hey, sorry, I hit the wrong button.

I'm a stupid kind of Spanish person.

Anyway, let's call back and get that joke of the day, Milkman.

You know what?

It wasn't Jack Masterson getting the fat thing every once in a while, baby.

Yeah, see if we can get an offensive joke of the day.

There have been some requests for Jack Masterson, but it's late.

I don't know if you can pull him out of the...

Put a little zap in your day.

He's dead.

I'm Carrie, and I'm a member of the ZCLT scheduling team.

To better assist you with your shopping needs, please press 1 for new orders.

Two for general questions, three for returns, and five to your joke of the day.

For all of your other shopping needs...

Quiet.

Hi, this is Tyler, and I'm a member of the ZCLT stat team, and I'm here with your joke of the day.

So two muffins are sitting in an oven, and one muffin says to the other,

Boy, it's sure hot in here.

And the other muffin says...

Wow.

Okay.

Thank you for the joke of the day.

Wow.

Did mine get you on another show?

Thank you for calling Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCLT scheduling.

Shut up.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com.

This is Miranda.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, I called to make an order, but let me tell you something.

I listened to that joke of the day that you got there, and it's so offensive.

Can you put a note, and I want to put down that I'm very offended by the joke of the day,

and that I will never do business with Zappos.

I'm so sorry about that.

I'd be happy to put that in for you.

Did you want my information?

Yes, I'm getting that set up right now.

Do you want us to email you when we've taken that down?

Yes.

And what is your email address?

MadHouseRadio at gmail.com.

You said MadHouseRadio at gmail.com?

Yes.

All right.

And what is your name?

My name is Cross.

Cross, so C-R-O-S-S?

Yes.

And do you want me to put your last name as well?

Valente.

All right.

And would you like me to also provide a telephone number?

No, no, that's not necessary.

And the problem is, if you want to put that in the notes, if you could start taking notes, please, honey.

The problem is, at the end of it, the man makes this joke, and he alludes to the Warner Brothers frog,

who's well known as being a racist caricature of Sambo, who was a racist joke character from the 1940s of a blackface.

Yes, I'm actually very familiar with that.

Yeah.

My father told me about that.

Little Sambo, yeah.

And Sambo is S-A-M-B-O?

Yes, S-A-M-B-O, Sambo, yes.

Thank you.

Okay.

Please take that down.

You're very welcome.

All right.

I'm going to report this to Operation Push and Minister Louis Farrakhan.

Okay.

Not a problem.

Thank you.

Bye.

You're very welcome again.

I'm sorry that you were offended.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

All right.

Whatever.

Mike, you bustled me.

Sambo at Madhouse, right?

Sambo.

She's like, oh, yeah, I've heard of that.

My father told me about Sambo.

What the hell?

Hey, somebody asked you to join this damn Madhouse fantasy league.

Come on, man.

You can even name your team Sambo.

Do you have a restaurant chain, Sambo's?

Can you imagine Sambo's?

Sambo's fried chicken.

I thought there was one like in the 80s and 90s.

Wasn't there really a restaurant chain called Sambo's?

I don't know.

I don't know when I was in high school

we played in football we played

a school

a school that was like down like

Okeechobee Florida like down

was nothing but cattle and

freaking rednecks and

the name of the school the mascot

was the crackers I kid you not

oh my god I think we've got our first

gold star of the night Scotland

says correct there was

there was what a Sambo

there was a Sambo

Sambo

Post a link if possible.

If that's correct, then we'll give you a gold star ding ding.

Well, let's play this since I had this ready to play for tonight,

and this is on the same band.

Let's listen to this milkman.

Have you been to McDonald's lately?

I'm not laughing, damn it, I'm not laughing.

And damn it, don't you laugh,

because they're killing you with your taste buds.

You don't understand Satan,

but you'll hate me for exposing them today.

There's a slime in the burger that's got silicon.

They've practiced how to deceive your taste buds and your nose.

You smell something that smells like chicken.

You taste something that tastes like chicken, but it's chemicals.

You want more fast food?

And I'm loving it.

Your children driving you out of your mind.

Take me to Mickey D's.

You lazy woman. You don't want to get in a damn kitchen and cook so you bring your children to these fast food places, killing them and yourself because you're too damn lazy and trifling to cook again.

who the hell wants a woman with a good shape and a fat behind that don't know how to prepare

no food for her husband and her children to hell with a woman like that you know he's got a point

milkman who the hell with a woman right that like that right i'm not thank you i posted a

couple links in here for sanders my gosh there was and there still is

There's some Sambos left.

Oh, man.

God, wow.

It looks like they've got some damn good food, man.

Take a link.

There's one here on Cabrillo Boulevard, Santa Barbara, California.

No way.

Do they have chicken?

I'm trying to sound racist.

Do they have chicken?

They got cheeseburgers, beer, twist, or lunch.

We're on the beach.

Sambos.

Great burger.

any way you want

that looks good

I'm looking at the menu now

I'll eat the shit out of some Sambo's

I'll eat the shit out of some racism

the fact is Sam

the founder was a real person

and Bo his partner was a real person

Sam is Sam Battlestone

and Bo is

Newell Bonet

that's how Sambo

really got its name

is that where Sam the Donut Man

Black Sambo by Helen Bannerham was an afterthought.

Sambo's restaurant already was established before the children's story was discovered.

Get out of here.

Yeah, okay.

Sambo.

I have a black cow over at Sambo's, man.

I should call them and complain.

How dare you bring up Sambo.

Ain't no better black cow over at Sambo's, man.

Sambo.

Oh, man.

I can't believe that place has to get, like, people demonstrating against it, right?

Am I wrong there?

Established in 1957.

The owner is Chad Stevens.

We're going to call up Chad Stevens.

Chad Stevens.

He probably lives in the Santa Barbara, California area.

His restaurant is 216 West Cabrillo Boulevard.

Oh, my God.

Possibly we'll get the numbers hit, man, and dig out some info on that guy.

His name is Sam Battistone.

Bo.

Or the owner, Chad Stevens.

His name is Sam Bo.

yeah oh man that is insane that's i mean it's i just can't believe it went down by 1979

shambles had 1200 outlets in 47 states and what happened they're just gone now there's only one

coffee verse you have to change name drew protests and lawsuits and communities as you

deter stampo the pejorative for african-americans and particularly in northern eastern states

Wow, that is insane.

So the restaurant was opened as or named as, re-opened or renamed as the Jolly Tiger,

a location where the community passed a resolution forbidding the use of the original name

and refused to grant the chain permit.

Sambo.

Jolly Tiger, that's racist against Aztecs, I think, if you ask me.

I don't know.

Anyway, so let's see.

I had a dog named Sambo.

He was cool as hell.

Wow, really?

You had a dog named Sambo?

Really?

Did that make any sense?

My first Beagle dog, man, his actual name was Samuel P. Adore.

Was he a black dog?

Was it a black dog?

He was a black dog.

I mean, what better way to do it than mixed, dude?

He was like, if you're a Beagle, you're going to buy it on black and white spots.

Black with red lips.

Come on, man.

Yeah.

Then you're better than that.

All flavors.

All right, we got a number here, and it says from, I guess it's from Facebook.

It says to call or text Rick, but the owner of the car is John Devine.

Don't say it to him, but he is the real owner.

He just didn't post on...

Okay, there's an ad?

Please do this prank.

He's selling his shitty car that he tried to pimp out.

Here's a link.

Okay, someone's trying to sell a car on Craigslist.

Let's take a look at that here.

Let me post a link here for everyone to see in the chat room.

Oh, they have to give the chain a new image.

They renamed it as No Place Like Sambos.

There's No Place Like Sambos.

Wow.

The name change of the bankruptcy protection reversed the downward.

Did they really go in?

Is this their website that goes into this detail?

No, I'm speaking on the wiki.

I posted the wiki.

I'll post it again, man.

Oh, I thought it was like their website had their history.

I posted the link to the restaurant that lives, the original one.

Then I also reposted this link on the one now that has the wiki on it.

It gives the details.

All right.

Anyway, while we work on that.

February 83, 618, the location was renamed

Season's Friendly Eating.

So that whole location was sold to Denny's.

Send it to Denny's Sambo, please.

Oh, because Denny's is so...

Oh, man, I bet you'll make them salt in the neck.

Yeah, because Denny's is so known for their lack of racism.

Not that I had never bought that Denny's was a racist chain.

I was like Jack Denny.

What was the name? Charles?

What was the guy's name?

I don't know.

You know, remember these...

What was the whole controversy that they would make black people wait a long time?

Do you really think Denny's was like our corporate policy is black people come and make them sit there for a whole hour?

Come on, man.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I'm going to call this guy who's selling a car, and then we'll see if we can call Sambo's.

We're going to talk to Sambo, please.

On a time, there was a little boy who lived in the deep, dark jungles of Africa.

His name was Little Sambo.

Beautiful, beautiful thing.

Let me try the guy again.

I'm going straight to voicemail.

Maybe he's on the line already.

Let me try him again.

That's right.

Only I hear him at half.

Everyone's stopped.

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

No, he's not.

He's going straight to voicemail.

I'll give him a few minutes.

Cracker's a shark, and we'll see if he answers.

That's the guy who sent that in, by the way.

Excuse me, by the way.

Cracker's a shark.

If you have a little Sambo, please call in, or at least check in the chat.

Little Sambo.

He's got a gold Starfleet kicking around so long.

Little Sambo.

I can't believe it.

All right, come on.

Let's get off the Sambo kick.

Teresa, a number that we got here from A.B.S. Dark Knight.

Get back to horses, man.

Let's get back to where it really is all about, horses.

A.B.S. Dark Knight sends in a number.

Teresa is apparently some girl from a dating website who called me.

You should call her back and harass her for trying to flirt with your boyfriend.

And I would pretend to be gay.

and talk shit to Teresa and say how her number showed up on your boyfriend's caller ID

and that I don't appreciate Teresa calling me like that since I'm engaged

and I don't need that kind of drama in the house.

This would confuse Teresa and it'd be a mint call.

She has pranked a friend of mine before acting like she was from a dating site

asking him if he masturbates.

Nice.

And if he's single and random shit like that,

She thought she was being clever and witty.

Time to turn that around on her and bust the number one Carlita prank skills on her ass.

Okay, good.

So this goes for AVS Dark Knight.

Who wants us to call Big Teresa and complain about a dating website call thing?

Okay, gotcha.

I'm confused because Teresa pranked about the dating site, but this is a serious one?

I don't know.

Milkman, I'm in the mood for rice and beans.

I really want rice and beans, Milkman.

Red beans, white rice.

I'd be all over that.

some fried chicken on top fried chicken fried to a crisp you have reached the voicemail box of

seven oh man in scotland yeah there was a case involving secret service yeah there was um there

were black members of the secret service who were in president clinton's detail and i think they

were in virginia or something and they were taking a break from their detail of protecting president

clinton and and they went to denny's and they came out and that as far as i know that was the

the only complaint that ever came and they were like oh well it was because we were black he was

like oh okay yeah man i never understood by the way i've been playing tonight you guys probably

didn't notice but uh this is mf doom's new um album a collaboration which is called jj doom

it's mf doom or doom as it is now all caps when you spell the villain's name and jj jury i don't

know who JJ is. But some

of the songs are pretty good, and we're playing

them tonight.

This one's called Bite the Thong.

This album came out Monday,

and I bought it on iTunes. It's a nice

album. It has good musics.

Let's get to some Lonesome Loser numbers

here real quick, before they go stale.

You're listening to Madhouse Radio, the

Sambo Show.

Sambo Radio.

Oh my god.

All I found

We've got some good stuff here.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, some good stuff.

Okay, I'm posting now.

We've got the Tacky Horse Saddle Ring Stable in Ohio.

Let's talk horses.

Thanks for that.

That's the only thing I can watch.

I found some original spandos commercially.

All right, send me a like.

Hello, you've reached the Tacky Horse and Coobander Stable.

Our normal business hours are Monday through Friday, 10 to 8,

Saturday 10 to 6

and Sunday noon to 4

I don't want to answer me man

come on man

Sambo's commercials are hilarious

okay does it have a black Sambo

or no right

dude I'm just posting them dude they're freaking hilarious

alright Milkman

Milkman's having a good old time

watching YouTube tonight

alright Horse Haven

they're commercials actually it's not YouTube man

I'm posting them man

somebody had saved original old commercials

commercials all right do they sound funny or what's is it worth playing the audio or is it

stupid i don't have it i don't have it turned up i've got it turned down so but i'm just close

from watching the video of it all right i'll play one of them make it a little white guy in a hat

they got this tiger jumping around and shit with this kind of cute in honor to sandbos i wanted

to mention zorlar had an homage to me uh last night he was doing his uh wednesday night show

He does a show Wednesdays and Saturdays now, Zolar does.

And he said he used machines in one of his pranks as an homage to Madhouse.

I thought that was kind of cool.

t-shirt iron on or coloring book but you must be accompanied by an adult

seriously look at the third one man they got this 25 cent burger man and they sat down in front of

this kid it's hilarious he's five big a little bit bigger than a quarter like a 50 cent piece

all right

The third commercial I just posted, man.

I'll post it again.

It's so cool.

I have a fan.

It's going to be like a sesame seed for Jack.

A sesame seed falling.

He'll lose it in the mower.

All right.

It's going to be like a 50-cent piece.

Remember when the quarter went up?

Oh, no, I don't remember.

These days, it doesn't even go a short way.

Better than inflation.

There you go, sport.

You must eat this more than I do.

At Sambo's, a quarter still goes a long way.

Every time an adult has dinner at Sambo's, a little adult also gets a meal.

The Samburger Jr., a delicious double burger for just 25 cents.

Sambo's, we're bringing down the high price of bringing up your kids.

The high price of bringing up your kids.

What an asshole, that dad, making him waste his quarter in a fucking hamburger.

Look at the little tiny hamburger.

I like to eat it in a soda can, man.

It's like a Dixie cup.

That's something my dad would do.

Here, you payroll hamburger nut.

He's like, all right, we're all going to go out.

We're going to see if I can get you a 25-cent sandwich and a hamburger.

That's that.

He's such an asshole, my dad.

He'd do that, too.

He'd be like, all right, here's your damn quarter board,

fire on hamburger, faggot.

That would be my dad.

All right.

I feel like hamburgers are better than poor boys' restaurants.

Poor boys' is always funny, but, you know, hamburgers have to be better.

All right, we're going to call an Indian place

because we're not getting anybody picking up some of these numbers tonight.

it's one of those nights but we're still having fun talking about racist commercials

and zappos being racist i wonder i wonder how fast they'll react to changing the

we'll call later see if they've changed the joke of the day yet and if not we'll complain

like i was just like oh yeah my dad told me about sambo can i help you yes hi i like to make an order

for food that's not stupid i want to make an order for food yeah that's not stupid hello yes

Yes.

Can I take your order, sir?

Yes, I'd like one order of papadums.

Uh-huh.

Two chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

Three pilau rice.

Basmati rice.

Okay, I'll have the basmati then.

It's like a herbal.

It smells good, that rice, right?

Yes.

Okay.

So one basmati rice, please.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, one hambu.

I think you're having the wrong place.

No, this is Punjabi dhaba.

Yes.

Okay, do you have the other things I ordered, right? Is there a problem?

We have a papadum, we have a chicken tikka masala, we have a basmati rice.

Okay, so why do I have the wrong place?

I don't have the fourth place that you just said, fourth number.

You don't have hambu. All you have to say is we don't have that. That's okay.

Are you looking at our menu?

No, I'm just, I know what Indian food is. I went to India recently. I was in Bengali.

Okay.

Okay. One madar chawd.

We don't have that also.

Can you go to my website and you can look at my menu?

Was Banshoot there? Do you have Banshoot?

No.

What is the website?

It's mydhaba.net, and you can order online.

Oh, this is a stupid website. Look at this.

Who made this website?

All right, sir. Thank you very much.

The Indians are usually better at making Internet computers.

Those women. They don't have a sense of humor.

Dude, I'm posting some hilarious

I found the cartoon, man

Oh, for God's sake, you're in Sambo now

You're just waiting any chance you can get

To be racist, Milkman

There's a

There's a Sambo Supermarket

Yeah, hi, my name is Sambo

I was making an order

Okay, um, I'm looking at the

Website now

It's mydaba.com

Wait a minute

M-Y-D-H-A-B-A

Yes, .net.

Okay, did you get my other orders that I wanted already?

Yeah, pop it down.

Two chicken tikka masala, one basmati rice.

Those three basmati rice.

Three basmati rice, okay.

Okay, and then you have traditional Punjabi here?

Yeah.

All right, I want cheese with spices.

I want fish pakora.

You want a shahi paneer?

Cheese and rice.

Cheese with spices, it says.

Can you tell me which number are you looking at?

Uh, it's the first page. It says menu. It says cheese with spices, tandoori chicken.

Okay, so that is tandoori chicken.

I want number 999.

Number 9 is, uh...

No, it says 999.

Okay, I don't think you're looking at my menu.

It says chicken. Chicken curry, number 999.

Oh, that's amount, 999. Number 10, chicken curry.

Nine pieces? How many pieces come with the chicken curry?

Oh, there's four or five.

About four or five?

Mm-hmm.

All right, and the naan?

And you want one chicken curry?

Yes.

Okay.

One roti.

Okay.

The ulu.

Okay.

Okay, and then I would like a sister also.

Okay.

How many sisters do you have?

How many you have?

None.

I ate my sisters.

I have two sisters and I ate them.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Listen, when I was born, when I was 15 years old, I went to the doctor because I had something on the side of my leg.

And when they opened it up, there was a tooth and some hair.

And they said that when I was in my mother, that I had a twin sister and that I killed her and it combined with my body.

So I ate my sister.

So do you have sister?

No, I don't.

Do you have brother?

No, I don't.

You have a mother though, right?

No, I don't.

You have a father?

No.

You don't like to talk about your father?

No.

Did he do something to you?

No, he's a very good father.

Uh-huh.

Did you ever see him in the bathroom when he'd take a shit in the bathroom?

Did you ever see that on accident?

I just wanted to let you know that your call is being recorded.

Is it being traced also?

I don't know about that, but it's being recorded.

I just wanted to let you know.

Can you play it back if it's being recorded?

I'd like to hear it.

Yeah, sure.

When I call the 911, then you will hear it.

They don't care.

If you're going to play for them, what's going to happen?

They're stupid.

Check your Google window, man.

That is the cutest little JPEG I've seen.

Yes, hello, Bhenchod.

How are you?

Hello, Bhenchod.

How are you?

Hello?

This is Bhenchod.

Are you Bhenchod?

Okay, they're stupid.

No.

Didn't I get into an argument recently with an Indian place

where the guy was like,

Like, I kept asking him if he was, the caste system, who, what, which.

I have no idea which one that was.

I kept asking.

Oh, yeah, we did do that one.

We called somewhere, and then he was posing as Obama.

And most of the people that are Obama class would never be running a restaurant.

They're, like, either social leaders, scholars, or government officials.

Normally, that's the class then.

And so, as soon as we started talking about caste and being Obama, you know,

and usually the Punjab and all that stuff

is way down the list.

Yeah, he got upset.

I have no idea which one it was.

Let's see if it was this one.

I think it was Al Watan.

No, it wasn't him.

No, I don't think it was that.

At the time, all I know is that guy

got pretty happy with us.

No, he got mad, yeah, with the crazy...

He was pleased, very pleased.

Let me see if I can find it.

I don't know if Lonesome,

if you remember which one it is.

I didn't mark that shit.

And I just got so many Indian places in here

from that one show.

It'd be kind of picking and choosing.

Let's try this one.

Shit, I forgot the cash system.

Hello, Sean?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Uh-huh.

One second.

Hello?

One second.

Yes, ma'am.

Hello?

What happened?

Excuse me, mate?

What happened?

Nothing.

I was calling to make an order.

Oh, okay, no problem.

Give me the order.

Okay, yes.

I would like one sudra.

What do you need?

Are you a sudra?

I cannot hear you, brother.

Are you Sudra?

Sudra?

Yes, is that you? Are you a Sudra?

I think you got it wrong number, brother.

No, no, wait a minute. Where are you on the system?

Where are you on the racist system?

Are you a Sudra or Vasya or Kashitra? Where are you?

I don't know what you're speaking.

Are you Indian? Aren't you Indian?

I am from India, yeah.

Okay, do you know that in India they classify all the people, the dirty people on the bottom,

the Sudra on the pyramid, there's a triangle,

and you go on the bottom and you clean the toilet, you know?

I don't know, brother.

Wait a minute.

What about, are you a Bhenchod then?

Is that the problem?

I think you got it wrong, brother.

No, you're Bhenchod, Maruchud?

Huh?

Come on, sister.

Whatever, I don't think that was the place.

I don't think it was the place.

God, for the life of me, I wouldn't be able to tell you where it was, man.

That sucks.

We got a different Indian place, though, here.

Maybe Shah.

Oh, okay.

Lonesome thinks this is the place.

Yeah, I think it was Indian and Pakistani.

Yeah, that might have been right.

I think you're on the right ball there.

They're a big lonesome.

Thank you, sir.

Let's try that.

I think he did say we're Indian and Pakistani.

I think I remember him saying that at some point.

Come on, ring.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, so let's make an order, please.

Yeah.

All right, are you ready?

Do you need more information?

Yeah, I'm ready.

All right.

What do you want?

One order of papadums.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah.

One order of papadums.

Do you have naan bread?

They hung up already.

They remember me.

Calling them back.

Thank you.

Yeah, so let's make an order, please.

Hello?

yes make an order please hello order please bullshit well whatever uh we got the elixir

well elixir elixir restaurant and lounge authentic indian cuisine is it cuisine or cuisine or

cuisine how do you even say that milkman i always say it differently i guess i don't think i ever

say it right i don't know now you're not talking milkman thank god never mind why am i complaining

Hello

Oh, there you are

Yes, hi lady

I'd like to make an order for Indian food

This is for picking up

One Papadums

One what?

Papadum

We do not have that here

This is Indian food, damn it

Are you Sudra?

What am I?

Sudra, are you a Sudra?

No, Sudra, she never works here

Oh no?

No, Indian food means samosa, veggie pakora, chicken curry, butter chicken, chicken tikka masala.

Yeah, I like chicken tikka masala and tandoori.

Okay, you want to have chicken tikka masala?

Yeah, but the sudra, I don't want to talk to anyone who's a sudra, you know?

No, sudra doesn't work here.

Oh, what are you, Brahmin?

Oh, okay, I believe in one God, sir. I'm sorry.

What do you mean one God?

Believe in one God.

Sikhism is my religion.

Oh, you're a Sikh?

Uh-huh.

All right, so I don't want to offend you or anything.

I just don't want to talk to dirty people, you know.

Okay, can you hold on?

Okay.

Let me take the pantoo for your order.

Okay.

Where are you from?

Does the woman usually talk to the man like that?

Where I am from?

I'm from America, and my country is India.

Yeah, I know, but the women are not supposed to talk to the man like that, right?

The woman isn't supposed to talk to the man like that.

No?

Then why are you talking like that, you know?

What I'm talking?

You know, they say that when a man and a woman are alone,

the devil is the third person in the room.

You know what I mean?

Can you hold on for a second, sir?

Because the man kisses the woman,

and the woman can't control the feelings that she has for the man.

Whatever.

Oh, fuck.

It's an old Arabic saying.

Where did milkman go?

Asshole.

anyway i don't know if we're doing good or not tonight i'm just here blabbing away listen to

this beat listen to this beat guys i like this beat this song here it's called rhyming slang

has a good beat machine what happened you're in the chat room talking chatting on the phone

no dude i was on the phone and it hung up on me and then i got called right i thought it was you

that email girl was on the line dude your name was uh carmen did you call for carmen

So I thought she was on the line.

I was placing an order.

I placed an order for a papadum, a tangerine chicken, and a large order of ranchos.

Like, what?

You're talking to Carmen?

And I said, yes, I'd like to place that order, please.

I'll repeat that for you.

She's like, what?

You're calling for Carmen?

I asked her to call you back.

So we called, called back.

Somehow it all flopped up, and it transferred the call to me.

And you was on the line talking to somebody else.

Hello.

How can I help you?

This is Little Sambo.

Yes, it is.

Once in the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa, there was a little colored boy named Sambo.

Yeah, that's what we're named after.

Why would you be named after a black-faced person that's racist?

He's like, yeah, that's what we're named after.

Where is that?

Lincoln City, Oregon.

Yeah, there's a racist living in Oregon.

That makes sense.

Everyone I know that's from Oregon is a racist.

A big racist.

Big, big racist.

Big racist.

He's like, yeah, I know.

That's who we're named after.

Duh.

Anyway, so, here we are.

Doing a show, still.

RBCP is a racist in all caps, man.

Let's take a look and see what's going on in the chat room here real quick as far as instant messages are concerned.

Marsha Pink sent in that request for marijuana earlier in the week.

Oh, yeah, you did?

Did you?

No, you did.

Look at that.

Guess I'll have to get to that.

All right, marijuana wants to do the prank.

AMD says, look at this, and sends a YouTube video.

all right let's i will look at this and uh we will all listen to this little black sambo it says

here is the name of the video god you guys are what's this oh is that the cartoon you were

talking about milkman an actual little black sambo cartoon i wish you guys could see this too

bad you can't oh this is racist it's an old like 40s or 50s maybe cartoon that looks extremely

extremely racist, and it's called Little Black Sambo.

I'll save that.

I'm going to add that to my YouTube playlist here.

I'll watch that tomorrow at work.

It's from 1935.

A cartoon version of the Little Black Sambo story produced in 1935.

The story of Little Black Sambo, a children's book by Helen Bannerman.

A Scot living in India was first published in 1899.

The cartoon has been banned from public display in the U.S.

due to the racist nature of its content.

All right, cool, awesome.

Awesome. That sounds like something I can't wait to watch at work tomorrow.

Let me add that there.

Cool. Saved. Thank you.

All right. Well, not again.

New song, please.

AMD, thank you for sharing that.

Nitrous Cookie. Hey, Carlito, would you like to join the league if you have an extra spot?

I'm just a listener, but I'd be very, very competitive and would take it serious.

You see, Milkman, they're rare. We've got a serious competitor.

Awesome. Nitrous Cookie, if you're still interested, send me your email address

and I will be sure to send you an invite tonight.

Andy, that's good news for you.

Andy, I will send you an invite also, and then we'll have a 12-member league.

We're going to have a big league, man.

And that might not be good.

You get a lot of people playing, and it becomes slim pickings in the draft and stuff

and the actual rosters.

It gets kind of tough.

I don't know.

We'll see.

Mattress Cookie, send me your email address, and I am,

and I'll get you an invite tonight.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Horror sends in a number for John Devine.

Gay squarehead gets angry easily.

All right, cool.

And I lost Milkman again.

Shit.

Hey, Sambo.

Hey, what the hell happened?

I lost you, man.

Did you see that second one, dude?

It's like a jackass has been working out there.

It's hilarious.

Okay, no.

God.

You're out of a cannon tonight, Milkman.

Marty, update.

Talked to him today.

He's dating a girl who's a virgin.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Got it just in time for that.

Well, yeah, Artie's dating a virgin, Milkman.

How about that, huh?

Isn't that awesome?

I've never heard that one before.

Exactly.

She's probably been with, like, ten girls.

If he believes that, he'll be over a tub of water and I'll sell him.

Yeah, she probably has had, like, anal sex and stuff.

So she says, I'm still a virgin.

That's what the kids do.

I hear in high school they have anal sex all the time now.

Because it doesn't count.

But my bangs don't count, right?

It doesn't count.

Yeah, it doesn't count.

Nitrous Cookie sent in his email address.

Sounds good.

Good. I got you here.

I will get the invite to you here.

Nitro's got my spot.

Nitro's got your spot, and we'll get Andy a spot also.

Thank you, Nitro.

I hope that you are worthy, and we are looking forward to your exploits.

Do us well, and also welcome Andy, the next member, to the final member.

I'm going to put him right here in the house.

Hosted by the channel he can love himself.

He's the captain of the team.

Captain of the team.

Captain of the team, right.

Okay.

Okay, so let me take a look here.

Someone's messaging me somewhere else also.

Give me a second.

You know, I had a prank call that I wanted to play by Jen Stewart, a new one.

Can't find it anywhere.

I've been looking for it everywhere, and I can't find it, Milkman.

Damn it, man.

Did we find that call about cats?

About what?

Did we find the call about cats?

Cats?

Yeah, you got rid of the cats, you know, the cats.

No, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

You ain't got to go all mad because you're a cat.

No, oh, CAST.

The CAST system.

Is that what you're talking about?

That number?

Yeah, the CAST, yes.

I don't know.

I'll have to listen, like, you know, when I'm editing the podcast.

I'll make a note to write down the name of the place.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

I got cut off, like, three times.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's all right, big guy.

Don't worry, big guy.

All right?

That's my doctor.

The guy that did my eye surgery.

That's what he calls me.

He sees me.

He calls me big guy.

and i told you are the big guy man well if he knew if he knew was like me and i told him wouldn't be

funny if when the next time he does that i'm like what's up you yellow yellow fucking chinky

eyes he's korean it'd be funny if i call him a yellow chinky eyed uh rice eater or something

you know make like an asian you're gonna call your doctor that well he calls me big guy all

the time why can't i call him what's up well you better wait till after all your surgery you don't

I don't want to get flan-eyed.

He's like, I need to give you Asian eyes.

You wouldn't quite look as good.

Answer here.

Sam-bo.

That's a good answer.

All right.

Let me call Little Sam-bo's restaurant again.

I want to make sure I call them.

Yeah, I'm not racist, but that is the funniest shit.

Man, I just did the whole hot dog shit.

Yes, hi.

Is this Sam-bo's?

Yes, this is.

Did we talk earlier and you hung up the phone on me?

Yes.

Why?

I'm sorry.

I just didn't understand why you're asking this kind of question.

Oh, because you said the name of the place is named after the blackface guy, right?

Yes.

But why would they name it after that?

Are there a lot of black people in this town?

No, it's because it's like an inspirational story.

It's about tigers that took little Sambo's clothes, and he got them back, and they were angry, so they were running around the tree.

Yeah.

They turned into butter, and they mom-made pancakes out of the butter.

Yeah, but then they took the little black kid, and they strung him up and everything, and they hung him.

I don't know where you got that from, because that's not in the book.

Yes, it is. That's why they're demonstrating against it in Times Square this weekend.

Really?

Yeah, they had you down. That's why I'm calling. It's all over the Internet.

They had a bunch of businesses that are named after the book,

and at the end of the book, they take Sambo, and they castrated him, and then they hung him from a tree.

Well, here, you can talk to the owner about that.

All right.

Hello?

Yeah, they took Sambo. At the end of the story, they castrated him, and they hung him from the tree.

they lynched him like a like a escape slave uh can i help you with something yeah the name of

the store i don't want the name of the restaurant i think it's racist it's not good it's bad it's

not the name of the restaurant it's restaurant family incorporated it says little sambo's

restaurant family incorporated is our name okay then why is the lady saying you racist stupid

bitch she knows the whole story i didn't know that story sounds like a fun story i want to

to read that story now. It sounds fun.

If I had weed, I'd smoke a lot of weed and watch that

cartoon. It'd be a good old time.

Making pancakes and butter and stuff?

What's that about? It sounds fun.

They make butter out of the tigers?

How do they make butter? Milkman, find out. Watch that.

Watch the video. How do they make... Find out the

story. Look it up. How do they make butter

for pancakes? Why were tigers eating

pancakes? That's just... That's not right.

Tigers should have eaten the Sambo.

Right?

I don't think tigers like dark meat.

I think it was charbroiled.

it's so rude yeah my my uh dad speaking more about my dad did we were at the beach once

at the beach once this is uh how it was when i was growing up we were at the beach and there

was a a black guy and my dad said you see in spanish stupid asshole he yells in spanish you

see i told that guy not to stand in the sun for too long he did that the guy was dominican and

He knew Spanish, and he got really mad.

He told him what?

Don't be in the what?

There was a black guy at the beach, okay, and my dad didn't think he knew Spanish.

This is like, it was still the 80s, all right, and not everyone was walking around speaking

Spanish, at least, and especially not in this part of Florida.

And my dad said, he said, you see, I told that guy not to stay out in the sun too long.

We were at the beach, and he saw a black guy.

Do you get it yet?

The black man walking around the beach.

so he's like saying he was white at first and he stayed in the sun too long and he got burnt yeah

and the guy got all upset at him i was like bro that's very god he's told him like god you're

sick sir you're sick my mom was like you see that's what you get so you get for making fun

For the negros.

The negros.

Oh, boy.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this Sambo's?

Yes, it is.

Did you know that this is a racist thing that you are?

To what?

It's racist to say Sambo.

Why is that?

Because Sambo was this, there was this story.

It's this kid that went to the beach and he stayed out too long and he turned to a black.

Who is this?

Huh?

Who is this?

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from the Nation of Islam.

What?

Listen, this is Sambo's storage, right?

Yes.

Sambo's Racist Storage

we're putting a list together

of all these racist places that have Sambo

in their name

because Sambo's a racist

it's a racist story

did you know

it was about this black kid

he was a white kid

and he went to the beach

and he stayed out too long and he became black

and the whole town went after him

and they let these tigers loose

from the zoo to go after him

And at the end they castrated the little boy

And they lynched him and everything

He hung up

How do these people not know

Sam was racist

The tiger scene

A lot of you said the n-word in the chat room

Jesus Christ

Yes hi what happened to the gentleman

The racist man that hung up the phone on me

The racist man that hung up the phone on you

Mister I don't know where you're calling from

Do you know what time it is here

It's 8.52 where I'm at

Okay, well, it's 11 o'clock where I am.

Where do you live?

A racist town?

I don't know who you want to talk to or what your problem is, but you need to stop calling this number.

I want you to change the name of your business, your racist business, because Sambo is racist.

I am not going to change the name of my business.

I order you.

Because you said so.

I command you to.

I order you to.

Oh, you command me to?

Yes, I'm a man.

Missy, you don't talk like that to men on the phone.

They get smart with their mouth.

Well, I don't know what your problem is.

it's a racist story it's about a white boy that went to the beach and got burnt and turned black

and at the end of it they lynched him and they hung him and they castrated him because they

thought he was a black kid oh i agree i agree just sex is i agree just see god come on william

does ask if my father ever made fun of irish or polacks no no never your call has been forwarded

to an auto no just black people just black people and he didn't he is he isn't very fond of cubans

i know that much he hates them he thinks their shit doesn't stick that's his and again that's

we i think that oh my god i'm in trouble my dad thinks that of cubans i grew up being taught that

of cubans who live in the united states not cubans from cuba we learned that the cubans in miami that

those cubans think their shit doesn't stink because they should have stayed in cuba if they're so proud

of being cuban and all this stuff why didn't they stay there and if the cuban revolution was so bad

then why didn't they do something about it that's what my dad says and he's convinced that the cubans

that came to the united states after the cuban revolution led by fidel castro and comandante

che guevara uh were nothing but corrupt rich people that's what he says what he taught me

now mr fix says let's rag on the fridge cuban cigars you know i'll be honest with you cuban

cigars are okay i've had a few cuban cigars in my day there's a lot of bad cuban cigars out there

all right i don't i think the whole thing about cuban cigars i mean they're good cigars yeah i

guess that's where you'd say where the the heart of the cigar industry came from but uh it's a lot

of cuban cigars aren't that good they're mass produced a lot of them are counterfeit to be

be honest with you when you when you when you go if you go outside of cuba and i'm not saying

necessarily the necessarily the united states but i read an article once where if you go to

the caribbean you know a lot of these american tourists they go to um on cruises and stuff and

they go to the bahamas or they go to freaking all those islands down there aruba and shit and

they're smoking what to think are cuban cigars like oh i can get cuban cigars because i'm not

not in america anymore look at me and my cuban cigar um i think it's something like 70 of those

cigars are all counterfeit anyway they're not really cuban cigars they're usually just um

dominican cigars and they have fake wrappers on them think about it it makes sense right do you

think they really get those many cuban cigars out of cuba not that they can't but the cuban it just

doesn't it's not like that it's not yeah you kind of have to know who you're getting from you get a

get from a reputable provider if when the tourists are going to places where all the tourists are

they're getting usually getting counterfeit the more seven out of ten times you're if you're

buying a cuban cigar when you're on vacation outside of the united states it's not a cuban

cigar i'm just saying and

and they're walking

oh look at oh god it's the best fucking cigar now the best cigar ever the best cigar that i've ever

had the best cigar you can get in the united states is the brand called davidoff davidoff

D-A-V-I-D-O-F-F

excellent cigar

very good cigar

expensive

they get

they get expensive

Milkman

I don't know if you're there

they make good cologne though

they make some of the best cologne

they've got

um

they've got this

Davidoff has this

one cigar

it's like three cigars

entwined

with each other

I haven't smoked one yet

awesome

but they're like

three cigars

curled into one

and you light it

as one cigar

and you just

you know

that's good stuff man

Baz wants a North Korean cigar

nice

Nice. That probably isn't even tobacco.

Tea. Put tea in it.

North Korea is very famous for its tea.

Speaking of which, I'm going to light my cigar again.

Speaking of which, I have to take a wee.

I got to pee, Milkman. You got to pee?

You want to pee, Milkman? I got to pee.

I know that much. So we're going to take a break

here real quick. Give me about five minutes so I can go

get up and use the bathroom.

At that point, when we come back, in about five minutes

it'll be the last hour of the show

and we will open up the Skype lines

for anybody who wants to join us.

Madhouse Radio for August the 23rd.

yeah man when we come back we got more numbers to get to including that craigslist ad the car

for sale that was submitted we got to get to mary juana's number we got more low numbers

some lonesome losers that we haven't called yet we got a few sambo locations we got a few indian

restaurants we got nirvana indian food to get to sambo supermarket we haven't done yet we also got

the howdy doody drive-in grocery and loony bins haven't called them yet we'll give them i have

I have no idea what Looney Bins is about, but we'll give them a try.

Milkman's going to sit there and look up more Sambo stuff and laugh his racist ass off.

And, yeah, we'll generally have fun.

Be back in about five minutes.

Thank you, God damn it.

We haven't taken a break in, like, nine months on the show.

Oh, well.

I'm an ass.

Classy doll, man.

You're a checker hanging out in your pocket.

When you die, you open a trap door at the bottom.

You check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Just my pussy.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman, ever, ever, make you who you are.

Girl, you gotta let it bump like that, yeah.

Come on, bring the chorus in.

Alrighty, urination complete.

Milkman, I have urinated.

Wow, that's cool, man, because I just got finished, man.

My tank is full.

Oh, God.

Everybody will be proud to know that.

You gotta get that hair out.

They got you some Drano on that, man.

I got the plunger out there that didn't help, man.

It was just smoking and steaming, and therefore, I think it's always cool off a little bit.

Mm, right.

I want to say, I do want to give a shout-out, man, to a great old, old-time, long friend there, Mr. Fix, man.

Buddy, man, he's a member of the faction of the dangling, angling man from Cy-Am, man, that's dang.

It was Mr. Fix, okay.

Mr. Fix, there you go.

Boy, yeah.

He's up there at the top with me, man.

He's definitely one of our brothers.

I didn't notice Andy wasn't opting there.

I didn't even take a look at who needed opts in this motherfucker here.

Let's see.

RBCP doesn't like being opt.

Oh, opt him.

He'll probably go, eh, eh, eh.

I think opt him, dude.

He's dropped out.

He's a weirdo.

He's a pervert.

He is, this guy.

I like RBCP.

I was looking for an update on what was going on with the Cacti Network, but I didn't quite

catch one.

I don't know if you're up for a premiere.

It's over.

It's gone.

Zach says RBC

peep-blocked him on YouTube.

You asshole.

Everyone, congratulate Milkman for setting the world

record for most pictures of penises

on his computer. Milkman, alright, man!

Right on, man!

Did you congratulate

Milkman for getting a golden

fortune wanky?

You know, the Paralympics are

starting up in London now.

Now that the normal people

had their chance, now the

the invalids get their chance.

I'm excited about that.

I watch so much coverage of the Paralympics,

you can't unglue me from the TV.

I can't wait to watch.

Wow, so we did get a picture.

I'm so happy.

Just a heads up, Big Andy,

you've been invited to the Madhouse Fantasy Football League,

and who else was it?

Nitrous Cookie, you got your invite also,

so hurry up and join us.

Yeah, all right, man.

Excellent, man.

I'm so pleased to be here.

Here we've got some strong competitors in there.

I'm telling you, man.

We've got a big crowd this time around.

I hope it's not too thinned out for the league because it can get...

It doesn't have the best buzz amount there.

12 teams in that, man.

Oh, my God.

Congratulate Nunu for a gold in English horse and wine.

Congratulations, Nunu.

Gold star.

Awesome, Nunu.

Gold star.

Yeah, where's my gold stars at?

There you go.

Yeah.

So we've got some...

We got some U.K. numbers coming in.

That's good.

So far in the league, here's the name of the teams.

My team is called The Mouth.

Thursday Night Teabagger, I think that's Big Ken.

I'm not sure.

See, I don't know half these people.

I know who they are.

I just don't know who picked what for their team.

New Bridge Tennis Rackets, I don't know who that is out of all of those.

My Vic in a Box, I think that's Big Eric.

Chicago Rude Dogs, and that's his dog.

oh that's the guy yeah yeah yeah that's that's the dog dude from last time that's earth dog

seattle supersonic suck that i think that's dirty aaron zyklon is eye of the zyklon uh lightning

legionnaires is lonesome loser uh maddest fish is postal maddest fish uh evil already is san

san francisco 69ers and then we got the uh two teams yet to be named andy's team i think last

year he was white power which i thought was an awesome name and then he changed it to fat power

I think or something like that

And I told him dude change it back

Andy B White Power this year

I think that was an awesome name for a team

White Power is an awesome fantasy football team

Name White Power

And uh

Hey I'm sending you a message right now

Oh my god

Thank you

Thank you for bothering me

Let's have a look here and see what's going on

Oh god

You and Nunu getting down

Nunu don't de-opt with Milkman

He gets upset

You're losing your ops.

You're losing your ops this week.

I'm going to make sure you're losing your ops tonight.

So enjoy it while you can.

Everybody out there,

it's hard to believe in bullshit.

It's the opposite of it.

All right.

Stop with the opping and de-opping, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that's cool.

That's because I said in your side of the name,

he's not going to be opping my chat.

Oh, yeah.

See?

See what you did?

Mike, he's Mike's new apologizer.

Yeah.

Appropriately, I'm letting him come back to be an op.

But if not,

I'll have to be a five-standard, because I cannot be messing around in my chat.

I don't know.

Yeah, I think the ESPN invites take a little bit of time.

When you send them out, I think they do take a good five, ten minutes sometimes.

I've noticed it's a little slow.

Am I not right, Mr. Hermano?

Didn't we have this discussion previously?

What about right?

Are you right?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, yeah, don't fuck around with the ops and kicking and stuff.

Yeah, either I am or I'm wrong.

If I'm wrong, then we'll have a private discussion.

All right.

All right, is that really you, Milkman?

Did you just change your nickname from Milkmon to Milkman?

Yeah, he opted me for that.

All right, well, you're off.

I opted back.

I said the next time, I told you the next time,

I'm going to have to change his outfit.

All right, children.

Back to the show.

We got Harry Jones in England.

Let's call him with the joke of the day, which he's subscribed for.

I should call him from the Paralympics.

The joke of the day.

It's called Little Sambo.

Little Sambo.

How did we get on Little Sambo?

It was Zappos.

The joke of the day at Zappos.

But we also got to see if they changed that joke of the day.

And I got to get to Mary Juana's number also.

That's loud.

Mary Juana's number.

Don't let me forget that.

Hello?

Yes, is Harry there?

Who?

Harry.

Just call us for Harry.

Harry who?

Harry Jones.

Who's calling?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

I'm calling from the computer machine.

No, I'm sorry.

No, Harry Jones.

I'm Ralph.

He's expecting a call from me.

I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.

This is Harry Jones on Newton Avenue, Denton, Manchester, England.

Yes.

Okay, so I don't have the wrong number.

I need to speak to Harry, or do you accept this call?

No.

Harry died.

Oh, no.

Really?

Yes.

Someone signed him up for the telephone service here.

No, sorry.

Well, I need to give you the information then so we can cancel it.

Because if not, the computer is going to call you automatically every hour

until it's the joke of the day that happens automatically but if you don't accept the joke

you can you can cancel opt out of the joke of the day and it'll stop calling you but if not

the computer will keep calling you i'm trying to i'm i'm explaining that correctly right isn't

that how it works i've had people opt out hitting buttons combinations of buttons before hello yes

hi i'm calling from joke of the day for harry jones i'm sorry please can you just leave it

No, the problem with the computer, I can't control it.

Unless you cancel out, I can't control it.

Right, well, I want to cancel it.

Or will you have to hit the unopt option?

I'm sorry, no.

Okay, well, listen, I'll just give you the joke of the day and then...

Oh, my God.

She's not understanding.

Come on, lady.

I won't give you a joke.

Hello?

Yes, calling from Harry Jones.

For Harry Jones, this is the joke of the day.

Computer machine?

On the telephone?

Tell me how to stop this, please.

Okay, well, first I have to give you the joke of the day,

and then after that, all you have to do is give the,

you have to say opt out while I'm recording it,

and it'll cancel you, okay?

Are you ready for the joke of the day?

Right.

All right.

Two black men are walking down the street,

and they see a sign that says,

turn white for $5.

The one black man says to the other,

I have $6.

the other black man says i only have four the first black man says okay i'm gonna go in and

become i'm gonna go in and become white and when i come out i'll give you the dollar and you'll

have five and you go in and the second black man says good okay so the first black man goes in

and he comes back out and he's white and the second black man says that's amazing

can i have my dollar now she didn't let me get to the punchline come on i was right there

here hello god it's a good joke went till you guys here it's awesome you guys hello hello yes

i can i finish the joke so we can opt you out please i have no control over the computer

all right how far did you get did you hear the part where the black man became white and came

back out yes yes yes okay so the black man that went in originally was six dollars comes up with

one dollar left and the other black man has four and it costs five dollars to become white

so he asks he says can i have my dollar now and you know what the the the white guy said to the

black guy okay fuck you ensemble that's the joke of the day all right now would you like to opt out

yes uh you need to hit star two pound one can't do that why not i'm blind you're blind yeah i i

guess that you're gonna get another phone call with another joke i don't know i don't know what

tell you what else do we do then i don't know do you have someone there who can hit the buttons on

the phone no can you hit them randomly no we'll hit can you do you know where number one is

there must be another way can you just time the call okay all right what i can start the recording

and you can say the the phrase that so they cancel it okay okay all right let me start it up hang on

it's it takes me about two seconds to start i thank you for your patience i'm sorry that maybe this

someone's playing a practical joke on you

where they did this to you.

Do you have any children in the family

that might be doing that?

No, I don't.

No, nobody would do that.

Oh, this is horrible.

I'm very sorry,

but the computer just...

Okay.

All right, we're ready here.

All right, I'm starting recording now.

Okay, so I need you to say,

I, Harry Jones...

Do you realize I cannot say this?

My husband died.

Oh, I...

Okay, well, I, the spouse of Harry Jones,

can you say that?

I really don't...

This is so upsetting.

All right, then just say, I authorize telephone computer machines to discontinue the service.

And I understand that I have failed to meet to the agreements, and I will be fined 200 pounds.

You have to say that.

I understand, and I will be fined 200 pounds.

Okay.

And what are you wearing right now?

Also, I need to write that down.

I'm not answering any more questions, right?

Listen, you know why I asked that?

Because if you're blind, you wouldn't know what you're wearing.

And then I know you're lying or not.

So do you know what you're wearing?

What color is your underwear?

Tell me.

All right, cool.

There you go.

My delivery on the joke of the day wasn't that good, but, you know.

I sent you a message.

I got your message, Milkman.

All right.

son of a bitch zyklon wants to join in big zyklon hello zyklon hey hey guy how are you yeah

let me recall you uh skype is doing its usual thing oh okay cool recall zyklon will recall me

in the meantime we'll call reverend dj weston hermano yo hey let me know let me know when

when you got that message, man?

Well, yeah, it's not that easy.

It's a long story.

I'll have to explain it to you

in a moment after the show.

I can't do it now, you know?

It doesn't work.

Computer machine works different.

There's things that are automatic set

and I can't change them

without looking up on the computer

how to change them, you know?

Well, I can help you there.

Well, look at that guy.

Look at him.

Cactus?

hello cactus hello all right you're here cactus how's it going trying to get reverend dj weston

dj bj dj hello father david weston isn't available at this moment no please leave a message please

speak very clearly and slowly giving your name and telephone number and i will return the call

if i'm not available and this is an emergency sit please ring father j o'brien on 733 thank you yes

Yes, I'm going to call your other guy.

Thank you.

733.

There you go.

I wonder how I would get that to work, though.

733.

I think it needs a few more numbers, but I think if I add his number and delete some at the end and add that, I think it'll work.

So is this guy, like, a Catholic priest?

I don't know.

Are there any Catholic priests over there in England?

I thought they all got, like, hung.

No, they're from Catholics.

Irish.

And according, actually, according to English law, no Catholic can be king or queen of England.

Well, that's bullshit.

How am I going to be king, then?

I think it lasted since the last time they had a major fight in, like, the 1600s, I believe.

With Spain, with Spain, yeah.

No, James, I think it was James II was Catholic, and he was the last one.

I thought it was Mary, Queen of Scots was the last one.

She was supposed to be.

God, she was supposed to be queen, but Elizabeth took her from her son.

Right. Mary was a Catholic then.

Hello, mommy?

Yes, hello. Is this the reverend?

Hello?

Yes, is this the reverend?

Yes, mommy.

Yes, hello. Reverend D.J. Weston told me to give you a call.

Who's D.J. Weston?

The reverend, the other reverend, the minister, you know, the religious man, you know who I'm talking about?

Yes, he told me to give you a call. He signed you up for a joke of the day, computer machines.

Oh.

Okay.

Good night. God bless.

Are you ready for the joke of the day?

No, I'm not. I'm in bed.

Oh, well, I can give you the weather.

The weather.

No.

But, yeah, I think over there they call them Father,

whether they're Catholic or Church of England.

Well, I mean, I call my priests.

I thought all Catholic priests are called Father.

Right.

I'm saying Catholic priests and Church of England priests are called Father.

Oh, Father.

Okay. Wasn't one of the

kings, he made up a religion? He was like, I don't like

the Catholics because the Spanish... That was Henry

VIII, and that was the Church of England.

It was because he didn't want to follow the Vatican's

telling him what to do or whatever.

The Vatican. So he said, well,

see you later. We've got our own church.

Pretty much. It was related to divorce.

Ever heard the Henry VIII song about

his wives? That's right. He wanted to get

divorced. Okay. I hear you. Right.

The Catholics were like, nope. He was like,

F you. I'm starting my own religion.

Now, are Protestants the same as Church of

of england was that different no no okay protest church of england is considered protestant

because it broke off from the catholic church around the same time okay well it's really not

related to the protestant reformation okay all right yeah pretty much most of your protestant

reformation is either based off of luther teachings or john calvin yeah you see i got

got to learn all these like lutheran and protestant and all these you know different ones basically

protestant is anything that's broke off from catholicism yeah but then what's the one there's

there's one that's really close to like all like a lot of catholic priests end up leaving and they

become this one religion yes eastern orthodox no no eastern orthodox no there's a different one

that that broke off in about in that was that was a great schism yeah there's another one that's

That's really prevalent in America.

I'm trying to think.

Episcopalians?

Episcopalian, yeah, that might be it, I guess.

You know what Episcopalians are?

No, what?

Church of England.

They don't call it that over here.

Oh, okay.

That's what they call it.

Episcopal equals Anglican equals Church of England.

There you go.

Well, thank you.

There you go.

It's all the same thing.

You should give this information in our joke of the day, or fact of the day, or something when we call people.

Fact of the day.

R.M. Poole is coming up.

Let's see here.

You do that.

Go ahead.

Give him fact of the day.

R.M. Poole.

Okay.

Feel comfortable.

Or joke of the day.

Joke of the day.

If you have a racist joke you can give, that's fine also.

It's a very racist episode of Madhouse Radio.

This number's not going through.

I'll try again.

Okay.

How do you tell if a black guy is well hung?

Well, they'll keep it secret until we get to say it.

It makes it fun.

True.

It's fun because then sometimes they don't let you finish it and everyone's on bated breath.

breath. Racist call of the day.

Come on up.

I'm serious. I'm serious.

Hello? I thought the call had gone through.

Never mind. I thought it did too.

I thought the call was there.

It didn't say anything.

I thought it dropped for some reason.

Try it again.

To BT answer 1571.

The person you're calling

is not available. Please leave a message.

They picked up the first time.

Let me get the next number in line here.

Fact of the day.

E.J. Young

E.J. Young is in Brighton

Give them a call

Gay capital of England

That's what I hear

I got a beach there

A lot of pebbles

And rocks and stuff

Where's UK Ted?

UK Ted would tell us all about it

Yeah

Speaking of Brighton

Where's UK Ted?

He could tell us all about the things on those pebbles

I thought UK Ted was like

Already gone

Like to the military

Alright Milkman

Just taken care of

Angry man

Hello?

aww

alright we'll try again

see if they pick up

or talk this time

EJ Young

let's see

milkman's mad at Nunu

really mad

he left

what is Nunu doing now

he de-opted him

without permission

I don't know why

Nunu was doing that

Nunu says it was an accident

and milkman got upset

and I agree with milkman

milkman shouldn't have to

sit there and get de-opted

and stuff

and now Nunu's all

it was an accident.

Nunu, you messed up, man.

You pissed off the milkman.

Actually, speaking of Nunu, that kind of reminded me of

a certain stallion.

I fixed it, milkman.

Hello? Yes. This is

today's joke of the day. How do you

tell if a black person

is well hung? You can't get a

finger between his neck and the rope.

That was

Alan King, everybody. Alright, let me call him back

and apologize on behalf of

our joke of the day.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Yes, this is Brad Carter.

I understand.

I'm with International Business Telephone Machines.

I understand my associate just gave you your joke of the day,

and you might have been a little...

You don't know what time of the day it is here.

Yeah, I understand.

There's a problem with the computer machine, the telephone machine.

Well, I'm not interested.

Well, you were signed up for the London Paralympics for the joke of the day.

Well, I'm not interested.

I don't want one.

Thank you very much.

Well, there was an accident.

Were you okay?

I had to mute, I was laughing too hard

That's probably the most offensive thing I know

That doesn't take a long time to tell

Hello, Mr. Young

Mr. King

What do you want?

Yes, I'm sorry, did you need us to cancel Joke of the Day?

Yes

Alright, I'll put you through for the Fact of the Day

Zyklon's gonna give it, go ahead Zyklon

Fact of the Day

I was going to say

Fact of the day

The word

Today's fact of the day

The word

Comes from the country Niger

Where the majority of slaves

Imported to America came from

Here's your fact of the day sir

Is that sufficient?

Hello sir

Of course

Sidney's not saying anything

Alright I'll leave him alone

He seems a little agitated

Alright we'll call

Oh, and King instead.

Give me a second.

Big Ken's calling in.

Dirty Aaron's calling in.

Oh, I missed Dirty Aaron.

I got Ken, though.

Kenneth.

Horse.

How you doing there?

Good.

How's it going?

Good.

Let's see if we get Milkman back on.

He might be a little more calm now.

I don't know.

He's going buck wild in his chat right now.

We're going to get Milkman to say, we're not playing any games here.

Milkman's mad.

He's key bagging Nunu in the fucking chat right now.

Hello?

By the way, speaking of things,

why did the football draft have to be removed to Sunday?

Saturday was perfect.

I had people...

Yeah, Thursday was good, too.

There were people complaining about Saturday.

Who's complaining about Saturday?

I don't know.

Hey, Milkman, are you there?

What's up, man?

Are you all right now?

Are you okay?

I did what you wanted me to do, all right?

Don't be mad.

Please, don't.

No, dude, it's what we agreed to.

That's all.

That's all I was asking you to do.

All right.

No, man.

I'm going to ask him to fill in for my place, okay?

I'll just go ahead and tell you now.

I'm going to say it, and I'll say it so everybody can hear it.

When I was out mobile, traveling a lot and working a lot,

there was nobody to run my chat, so I did press Noonan

because he's been with a buddy of mine for a long time to run my chat.

In the meantime, he's been pissing people off.

He started going crazy.

The power went to his head, and now he's even fucking with me.

So all I said was, look, next time it happens, we're going to have to back down on his power.

So, thanks.

He said it was an accident.

Those crazy foreign bastards, I'll tell you.

Yeah, it's a problem.

Hey, Milkman, are we playing games here?

We're not playing games.

We ain't playing no fucking games, my man.

If you call pun the idiot around the poker face, it's talking about football.

Yes, hello, Anne King.

Yes.

I'm calling with your weather of the day report from International Business Telephone Machines.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's 5 o'clock in the morning in the UK.

You signed up for the 5 o'clock in the morning International Business Telephone Machines weather of the day?

No, I don't know anything about it.

Well, the temperature is going to be 92 degrees centigrade.

That's very hot.

Very hot.

At where?

Huh?

Where at?

In Manchester, England.

Okay, I'll leave it.

Thank you.

Okay.

And then we also have...

You know what you need to do Carlito

Is when they pick up the phone

Blast the little bone thugs in harmony

I think it's called the first of the month

Where he yells wake up wake up

And then start talking to them

It's not word face of the month though

But okay I could do that

Is this Alan King or Ann King rather

No bye bye

Hi no don't go please it's important

It's important stupid monkey shit

I'm calling with joke of the day now

I had the weather of the day and you also signed up for joke of the day

Are you ready for the joke of the day?

Nah

I was just thinking

Today's weather

It's fucking dark

Bee Queenie instead

The fucking weather

But you're telling them it's light or dark

I think that'd be like

We're getting rain or some shit

Actually then that's based off of George Carlin

Bee Queenie

Who wants this?

Take it

I got it

I'll take it

I'll let someone else do it then

That's fine

Bee Queenie

We'll never take your call at the moment

But if you leave me your name and number

We'll get back to you soon. Bye.

Shit.

That's the wrong fucking number.

I guess not.

All right, so...

Carlito, can we call the Turkish horse?

Sure, yeah. Sushi's still there.

It's before one, I think.

Still open.

It's always the lady there.

The high one lady.

I got her really excited.

It doesn't matter. They're both spotty.

The Turkish mayor.

If they take it, let me take it.

I got a good idea.

Good evening, Turkish kitchen.

Hi, my name is King Leonidas,

and I need to bring 300 of my Spartans in to eat.

Which of you will be our slaves and make us food?

I couldn't hear you very well.

What did you say?

I am King Leonidas of Sparta,

and I am bringing 300 Spartans with me.

Which of you will be our slaves and make us food

to kick some Persian ass?

Yeah, I can kick your ass.

When you want to come.

Yes, you can.

Come right now.

Me and my 300 Spartans.

You want to come now, or are you going to kick your ass?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, come in.

I'm waiting for you.

You've never seen 300, bitch?

You've never seen 300?

Spartans kick everybody's ass.

I'll kick all of yours ass.

Yeah, right.

Go watch 300, lady.

Watch 300. See what the Spartans do.

Motherfuckers.

No, I believe it.

No, that's Turks. Turks fuck their mothers.

No, Greeks fuck their mothers.

We are defenders of democracy.

You're the motherfuckers.

I don't think so. I'm not Turkish.

Huh? Greek motherfuckers?

Not Turkish? Stupid asshole?

I'm not stupid. I'm a smarted.

Oh, my God. I think she's better than he is.

She is, yeah. In her own way, she is.

It's just the fact that she's a woman and she brings it, man.

It's kind of hot.

Yeah, I know.

I'd rather get on top, you know, be all angry.

Get on top, honey.

I'm not sure if she was offering to kick his ass or lick his ass.

I couldn't quite hear right.

Let me try to talk to him.

Yeah, I know.

If it goes through.

I think it really could have went either way.

Let me try to talk to him.

I should call back and apologize.

I got an idea. Hang on, let me try this.

Hello? Yes, hello.

I'm calling because I saw on TV

that the Turks in the

1800s, they used to have sex with the

boys all the time.

Fuck you, motherfucker. Is it true that the Turks

are homosexual?

Homosexual?

He doesn't want to play.

There's that third guy.

He's more calm, but he's also mean.

Geez.

That fucking turned the fax machine on on you.

Turned the fax machine on!

Hey, wait, does anybody have a Mobius strip to fax them?

A Mobius strip?

Yeah, you know on those old fax machines, you take a piece of paper and you write random crap on it?

Oh, yeah.

And you circle it so it just runs all the thermal paper out?

Oh, you would tape it end-to-end. Yeah, I heard about that prank.

I never did it, but I heard that you could tape it end-to-end and just let it go overnight.

night yeah yeah i wonder if mr brad carter has ever done this yeah i read about that in maxim

magazine and that in maxim magazine that's where i got the idea to tape the um the hose i did this

it's good talking about my dad tonight i learned to tape the hose on the um on the old kitchen

sink down and he got up in the morning to make coffee sprayed him with cold water

oh shit carly are you reading the uh breaking news in the uh chat room here from milkman

Milkman's breaking news.

No, what's the breaking news?

Says, much love to all.

Nunu will actually call in in his real Tourette's voice

and apologize he will reconsider the app privileges.

Oh, wow.

There you go.

I don't think that will...

I do not think that will happen.

You never know.

It might happen.

God damn it, that's loud.

Jesus Christ.

Why are you playing the phone music?

That was fucking Artie loud right there.

Yeah, that was Artie.

Artie, play that song again, would you?

Please.

Oh, by the way, guys,

Evil Artie's real name is

Beep.

I heard Brad Carter's dead.

That's what I understand.

He's around. He's a zombie.

He's in prison, last I heard.

Man, I heard he just got bored.

Something went down.

I don't know if I'm supposed to talk about it.

I don't want to talk.

probably should god i wouldn't know just tell it about it just tell us i mean if he asks you to

take it out then just take it like leave it out of the podcast or something there's like there's

86 people listening right now i'm gonna go out and tell his no let him right i don't mind don't

mind those motherfuckers nobody go ahead there ain't nobody yeah no one cares if he says like

100 billion people in the world those 86 people you know yeah there you go all right so andy

He created his team, the Bombay Bhenchods.

All right, cool.

That's awesome.

So is Milkman in then?

I don't know.

I was going to ask if there was finally an 11th team so we could go to 12.

Yeah, we're up to 12 now.

What the hell?

I think we're at 12, aren't we?

Who's vacuuming?

Yeah, it's 10 now, isn't it?

It's 12.

Oh, it's 12 now.

We would have to expand to 14 after that.

Holy shit.

Nah, I don't know about that.

Who's got the static?

Yeah, what is that?

Milkman.

It's static

It's not me with static, dude

I got Miami

And I'm just sitting here quietly

Oh, good

You sit there, be quiet

Behave, okay?

You're like a good woman

Don't get me started, man

Because I ain't playing no fucking game

Go make me a sandwich real quick

Go make me some ribs

I was looking for him going on a racist tirade again

Yeah, I know

You heard about the Sambo?

It was a tirade

Let me tell this guy

Hubba bubba hubba bubba hubba bubba

I love my brothers, man.

I love my brothers.

Blue, black, green, purple, blue, black.

All right.

Where the fuck are these purple people at?

Those are the black guys.

I'm probably with Milkman's High.

Yeah.

Okay.

So white people are having a little fun.

All right.

Let's focus here.

We got the Feminist Majority Foundation.

Carly is going to do this one.

Who confirmed this?

Picking in, he confirmed this, and a feminine-sounding man answered.

Call is sexist Carlito.

Okay, all right.

I'm sure we're going to get some bitches with some man pants on.

I don't know if it's a guy.

What's that?

So many man pants.

Speaking of effeminate men, I think it was on the phone show where they called a brothel, Nevada,

and it was a gay guy that answered.

That makes sense.

It's safe.

Hello?

Is this the Feminist Majority Foundation?

Yes, it is.

And you're a man?

Who?

You're a man.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, I am, yes, yes.

But you said man there for a minute.

Seriously, okay, you're confused now.

All right, what's going on, dude?

Why are you playing for the other team?

Women's rights are human rights.

Yeah, women's rights are human rights, but they're evil.

It's true.

Dude, call Zach and ask him if he's gay.

Seriously.

I swear that guy's gay.

It's a proven fact.

It's science.

I really like how he had to question if he was a man or not.

That was fantastic.

Maybe he's a tranny.

You didn't know.

Let me talk this time.

Feminist majority.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you happen to be gay?

Uh, no.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I don't know.

You certainly sound...

Oh, shit.

Accused Zyklon of being a fucking homo.

That's fantastic.

We got you there.

Okay, so can I tell my joke now, please?

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, it's kind of long.

Okay, white guy walks into a bar.

Goes up to the black bartender and goes,

Yo, nigger, get me a drink.

Bartender gets him a drink and goes,

He goes, you know, I don't like being called racist names, neither would anybody else.

How would you like it if you were behind the bar?

And I came in and started calling you racist names.

White guy goes, I don't know.

Let's find out.

So white guy goes behind the bar.

White guy walks out, walks in and goes, yo, you cracky honky motherfucker, get me a drink.

And the white guy goes, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers here.

I get it.

He brought it right back to him.

That's good.

Exactly.

think about it

a lot of young people probably don't get it

because Civil Rights Movement

ancient history

it's a smart joke

that's all I gotta say

let's call this gay guy one more time

we need someone else to ask him if he's a tranny

he's confused

he doesn't want to play

he's not having it

by the way

Lonesome Loser

is Lonesome Loser on tonight

night uh he is he's he's in the chat room yeah why what's up yeah lonesome loser if you can find

like some uh prayer line numbers that would be awesome prayer lines yeah okay yeah like the 700

club and shit yeah all right it's not freaking commercial for one of those the other day i was

like fuck them i just want a prank column all right now brett sent in a number he won't he

wants to call zappos again let's see if they change the joke of the day i don't think so

You know, Sambo needs some watermelon after hearing the joke of the day.

All right, cool.

It's a goddamn WB.

India, okay, here's a question for all the viewers.

What do you think Sambo likes more?

KFC, Bojangles, Popeyes, or some other fried chicken joint?

That's a fucking Christmas to them.

Hi, Terry, and I'm a member of the ZCOB scheduling.

No, black people prefer Popeyes.

I know that's right.

Hi, this is Tyler, and I'm a member of the ZCLT stat team, and I'm here with your joke of the day.

So two muffins are sitting in an oven, and one muff-

I think he's a muffin, for God's sake. Jesus Christ.

I think that's okay. Your next complaint, you need to call in and say that his feminine voice offends you.

Yeah, why is he talking about muffins? Why do you get the guy-

Change the version of the joke to, uh, two Jews are sitting in a muffin.

Yeah.

Something about him calling you a cunt at the end.

polaris's bojangles i don't know you see but i didn't i never

bojangles didn't open until like my last year that i lived in orlando there's none around where i live

but for one hundred at least maybe more of a south thing yeah i don't know at least like when i

where i was growing up uh where you had your options the black people always said they

preferred popeyes that's from what i understand too many white people people like kfc i don't

No.

If you ask me, I prefer KFC.

Popeye's chicken always seems to be a bit dry for me, especially the...

Yeah, that happened to me the last time I was at a Popeye's.

Yeah.

There was a Wishbones near where I live that was run.

It was, like, all black people that worked there.

It was really good.

Oh, they know their stuff, man.

I like this, yeah.

God damn it.

Wow.

Stop it, Ken.

Yeah.

Hang up on Ken.

Suck, Ken.

Fix your vacuum cleaner.

Jesus Christ.

yeah and then now they're putting a yeah popeyes up i'm like hey if it's the same people that

worked at the wishbone hopefully the chicken will be good yeah it you know the dark meat is

good at popeyes but the the white meat is way too dry like the chicken breast it's never really

liked it's too dry i don't like that i always like the bojangles because it had the good had

the spicy bratting yeah that's true you get the spicy version of it and their sides the sides are

are better at Popeye's.

The biscuits are better.

I'll give you the church's chicken has the best biscuits.

Yeah, there aren't any churches

where I'm around. Church's chickens are at the back.

Not any chicken, but way too much of the

Bible thumpers. There's a story

I heard years ago about

one of the restaurants, or one of the

supermarkets in

the South had, for Black History

Month, fried chicken and watermelon on sale.

Or was it Martin Luther? I remember the one that had

for Martin Luther King Day, they put fried chicken on

sale. I remember. Yeah.

every once in a while you hear that

every three or four years

MLK day that comes out

here's the thing though

in Virginia they actually get the whole weekend off

they get Friday off for

Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson day

no really?

yeah

of course it's interesting around here

that Friday is usually when

the KKK comes out and has a rally

great, followed by

Martin Luther King day

Yeah, they deliberately do it that day because, I mean, it is the KKK.

Yeah, so they have to show a front.

You've got to compete, I guess.

I think it's more because they can piss people off by doing it before Martin Luther King Day.

All right.

I'm looking for marijuana's phone submission here.

Yeah, got it.

Marijuana.

There's one from Frank Figgs, a Toronto number.

Corey's really cheap and hates when he has to spend money.

also he watches a lot of porn

I was thinking we could call

saying we are from the porn site

that he has been viewing and that he has

an outstanding bill of $300 for use of the site

explaining to him that he signed

one of those internet contracts

and if he does not pay us

we will be taking legal action

but feel free to change it around

if we can think of something to make it funnier

it would help if I knew the name of the site though

Frank Figgs

just pretend it's RedTube

I mean that's like a big site

Ken, are you calling from inside of your shower?

Where are you calling from, man?

Are you, like, vacuuming?

Negative.

Is it raining where you live?

Are you inside of a tin shed?

No.

Tell the guy that if he doesn't pay, you'll tell his wife.

Is he married?

We'll see.

Car wash.

We'll tell his work.

Car wash.

He's in the car.

647-296-166.

If you're unavailable, take your call.

or I'll get back to you.

There you go, guys.

Call Corey and tell him about his porno addiction.

Everybody call this guy.

But hold on.

Speaking of car washes,

there's actually this guy in Texas

that got executed for shooting three people at a car wash.

Shooting?

Yeah, no.

He was basically flashing chicks there,

and he got fired,

so he came back and shot the place up.

What the fuck?

Really?

I know.

Wow.

All right, we got another number here.

Mexican Fiesta.

They're probably closed by now.

They're in Dearborn, home of the Arabs.

Yeah, they're not open.

Yeah, that's closed by now.

That came in earlier during the week.

I should have called that earlier.

I'll star that here in Gmail.

Dozer had sent in a number.

That was Dozer's number, actually.

Dozer, I'm sorry I never got to that in time, man.

I'm looking at the older numbers here.

Here we go.

Mary's.

I'm guessing this is it.

Marijuana, maybe?

Pretty Downs.

Let's call it.

She just turned 50 today.

Today, I want to call her to see if she has joined ARP.

Check on a wheelchair that she may need.

Check to see if she needs dentures or any other thing that old people start needing as they get older.

Milkman, you could help us out with that.

What do you need?

Any respect in the chat room?

We'll ask about that when you get old.

Milkman, what do old farts need?

Yeah, you would know.

Maalox.

Yes.

Axis Viagra.

We can't take your call right now

But please leave a message after the beep

And we'll get back with you

No answer

She sounds kind of cute

Sounds like a southern belle

For 50 years old, yeah

Nice blonde

Here's Marijuana's number

Sharon, she owns an angel store in Phoenix

You can see some of the photos on her store

On her Facebook page called the Angel Store

And more

She is a yoga teacher

Angels?

store yeah the angels she's a yoga teacher and mega psycho okay cool this is for marijuana

marijuana ask her for some marijuana well no no marijuana is the listener oh oh i thought this is

the victim no no no marijuana is our friend but we're calling the angel store abroad to do it

yeah what's an angel store anyway it's to sell those figurines so maybe they're affiliated with

as pat robertson maybe they have that figurine that's the guy with the big his arms open and

he's like i love you this much you ever see that one hello yes hi is this the lady who owns the

angel store big sharon who's calling my name is cross and i need a big angel the biggest angel

how big what's the biggest angel you have your name is cross yes yes my parents named me after

jesus our lord and savior what my parents named me after jesus our lord savior my name is cross

You acted like it was weird that my name was Cross or something.

Yeah, how'd you get this number?

Well, I saw your information about your angel store on Facebook.

Oh, okay.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I live in Arizona.

I'm in Phoenix.

I think you're in the area.

That's what my Android phone says.

And you're what?

My Android phone.

I went into the Facebook app on Android, and I put down angel store in Facebook in Phoenix, Arizona,

and it said that you were the closest one.

That's right.

I'm curious how you got my cell number.

Is that on Facebook?

No, that's on a different website that has,

you can look for the number for all the businesses

and the people that own this business.

Well, I just find it odd you're calling me at 10 o'clock at night for an angel.

This is important because we're having a special service tomorrow.

Okay.

Well, the shop opens tomorrow at 10.

Yeah, well, the service is at 11, so that's why, you know, we have less than 12 hours for me to go pick it up.

I was hoping, do you have any large angels or just the small nipple angels?

No, well, how tall do you need it?

I've got four foot down to, you know, four inches, so.

Four foot probably, I mean, it has to be as big because there's going to be a lot of people at this service.

They're going to be expecting about 2,000 people, and we're going to need to perform the ritual sacrifice on the angel for everyone to watch.

What are you going to sacrifice?

What?

The angel.

We actually perform a service with the angel.

You're going to sacrifice the angel?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

There's a child named Sambo,

and he's actually going to deface the angel and break it in front of everybody.

You know, who told you to call me?

No, the Android did.

The telephone?

The Android, the telephone told you to call me.

You know what Android is? It's like a phone, a telephone, a smartphone, and I can actually talk to the phone or it gives me information.

I can say, Android phone, hello, and it'll actually tell me, like, what do you want?

And I'll say, yeah, I need to talk to angel people in Phoenix, Arizona.

It'll actually tell me all the information that I need. Hello?

Okay. You said your name was Cross. Do we have any mutual friends?

No, no, I'm new to the area, and actually, I just need this.

That's why I'm calling.

That's why I had to use my phone.

I don't know who has any of these angels.

We need to perform the sacrifice.

We break the angel figurine.

Yeah, I think, I'm sorry.

I mean, that's called bullshit, all you're saying.

Don't say that, please.

Well, it's sacrificing an angel, please.

Who put you up to calling me?

Well, the telephone said to call you.

And I really don't appreciate you calling me at 10 o'clock wanting an angel that you can sacrifice.

Well, why don't you have the small ones, maybe?

You know, that's not what my angels are for.

Well, listen, if I give you the money, you're not supposed to be asking all these things about why I can't do this for this.

You volunteered the information to me.

Call me at 10 o'clock, please.

I don't know who you are.

Listen, how about maybe if I can fill a garbage bag full of small angel figurines,

and I'll take a shit in the bag, and I'll break it?

Like, I'll jump up and down the bag after I take a shit and piss on it?

Are these angels?

Do you have a priest who can bless the figurines before I do that?

Hello, sir?

Look, I'm going to use the phone.

Hello, computer.

Telephone.

You have iris.

That's the Samsung with the S-Talk.

They made their own Siri version

It actually works pretty well

Actually I heard the Android version

It's Iris Siri backwards

It's supposed to be even better than Siri

Yeah that's free

That's been out for a while

Iris is Android better than

iPhone

You have like an app that's like

Fuck yes

I fuck suck my dick

That's why I started playing this

Let me call her back and see

By the way I do have a request for a Mr. Lonesome Loser

If you can find those, you should get, like, ten gold stars.

There's an old phone show where they call us Grouchy Old Man.

It's, like, on PLA Radio 28, I think, from 2010.

I've been trying to find this guy's phone number with no luck

because apparently he changed it.

So if you could find it, that would be, like, super awesome.

That's a hard one, man, Grouchy Old Man.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm saying.

You should get a lot of gold stars if you can find it.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

4-8-0-7-7-3-1-3 is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Yes, hi.

We've already started the service.

There's a man in the background.

He's already, I don't know if you can hear, he's already starting the service.

He's already started.

That's Milkman.

He's real upset.

Hey, Cross.

I have to take a big shit in the toilet

This is real audio

Anyway, this is real audio

Of Milkman that I got here from the arm

Just now

When he left the show for a little while there

When he got mad because of Nunu

Let's listen to that

Okay, what the hell is with all that static?

It's got a lot of static.

Oh.

It's Mel Gibson ranting.

I thought it would be funny to think of Milkman in the back yelling about Nunu.

All right, that joke didn't go far.

I think of Milkman as a Polynesian Mel Gibson.

Hey.

Polynesian.

Yeah.

I almost thought, no.

So instead of anti-Semitic, instead of anti-Semitic is anti-Sambo, I guess.

All right, well.

We should just call this show Sambo.

He loves the Jews, but he hates the blacks.

All right.

It says, Nitrous Cookie says, oh, Nitrous Cookie is the Bombay Bunchodes.

So we're still waiting on Andy.

He needs to join still.

Andy, you're the last one, man.

Don't make me have to drop somebody because you're the last one.

You better join, man, because we have to spot it for him.

Come on, Andy.

Come on.

Did all that work for you, Andy?

Come on, man.

Check your...

Who's next?

It's Cookie.

You've got to join.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Nitrous Cookie is just some guy.

He says he wants to be part of it, so there you go.

Yeah, jump in.

I mean, I'm doing the draft on my wedding anniversary and all, but...

Oh, man.

I was going to be drinking for it, but I can't because it's on a fucking Sunday.

That's big...

Oh, come on, man.

Come on, man.

I know.

It's just my five-year wedding anniversary and my son's birthday on the same day.

Oh my god

I will say this though

Is that we should do an impromptu show

For draft like Madhouse Radio

Oh yeah

I think that would be awesome

Aaron you're celebrating your anniversary 9 months early

Is that what happened

No

It doesn't even have to be related to the Madhouse anniversary

Just draft special

Alright I got a message from Andy

Let me see if he failed

Never got an invite

I was having that problem too early on

Really?

Did you check your spam and all that, Andy?

I don't know.

Yeah, I checked my spam.

I mean, I didn't get it for like a week.

For a week?

Unless you were...

Because I got it like...

That's weird.

Yeah.

Did I spell it?

I know, because I got my spam right on.

I go to the spam box and double check.

A lot of actually good is in the spam box if you don't regularly talk to somebody.

Yeah.

Well, what...

Oh, you know what?

I think I can send a custom...

I can actually do a link.

I could send it in a link instead.

I'll have to do that, but it's going to take me a second.

Can you send it to Andy like through Facebook?

No, Andy doesn't use Facebook.

He doesn't believe in Facebook and shit.

He's got this anti-Facebook thing.

But I think I can...

It lets me actually send a copy-paste a link

instead of the email instead, something like that.

I'll get it to him.

And if you don't get it by tonight,

by tomorrow morning, then I'll get it to you somehow.

Just check the spam box, Andy says.

Nothing in there. Not there.

There you go.

Can't you just send an email

from your own box and then paste the link

with his invite, then that way it won't recognize

Is it possible?

That's what he just said.

Yeah, well, no, it's not that.

With ESPN, it gives you the option, instead of an email,

it says, you know, invite people with a direct link instead.

But I don't see the option.

Right, you use that, but if they think it's spam.

Well, does Andy use, like, MSN Messenger or AOL?

He says he has me marked, I have you marked as spam.

Well, that's nice, Andy. Thanks, I appreciate it.

That might be the right thing.

Clearly the ultimate spam bot.

God.

so mikey129 is reporting there's a valenteassociates.com

is there really look at that valente and associates is a website get us a fucking number

valente yeah it's right here it's it's a freaking lawyer firm valente and associates is a bipartisan

washington dc based government affairs firm specializing in federal representation

legislative analysis international affairs god damn it that's awesome okay these guys

Yeah, we need to call some congressmen and say we're from Valente and Associates.

We're from Valente and Associates.

We're the original Valente.

That's funny, though, that Pete.

I wonder if anybody's ever tracked down, like, Valente and Associates prank called me.

There's got to be a Jack Valente over there.

Yeah, there's got to be someone named Jack.

Yeah, look at that.

Hamilton Square, fifth floor in Washington, D.C.

Wow, man.

That's big time.

What part of D.C. does it say, like, N-E-N-W-S-E-S-W?

N-W?

oh it's in the they're rich then that's the nice part of dc oh shit 614 street northwest and we

got a phone number and everything all right let's see if they say i want to hear that hang on yeah

well of course they're lawyers they're not going to be at the freaking ghetto no that's true unless

they're bad lawyers the the kind of lawyers that represent you for free well it's kind of like this

it's like northwest is georgetown like where all the rich people live southeast is the ghetto

ghetto north northeast is kind of like kind of ghetto-y and kind of not middle class and then

southwest is kind of like working middle class but southeast is where the whole ghetto is

it's like if you can avoid southeast you don't go there i hear bad things like you give me dc in one

second you're in a good part next second you're like in a ghetto yeah that's you're probably in

southeast then my buddy grew up in dc and he got his coat jack from a couple years ago

go all right let's see i want to say though is atlanta is definitely like that it's like one

minute you're in a nice neighborhood next minute you're in a ghetto as my buddy likes to call it

atlanta doesn't have a ghetto it just has a bunch of micro ghettos you have reached the offices of

valencia and associates our normal business hours oh my god it's true dude you need to record that

you need to record their uh answering machine message and put it on yours and the voicemail

yeah the the callback voicemail yeah totally yeah hold on i wonder if we could hack it uh

it's a voicemail i doubt it i mean oh yeah damn well there you go all right what time is it oh

it's 113 dude i gotta go to work tomorrow come on it's over you'd fuck work oh come on all right

we'll do one more uk number i did start to show late so we'll do we'll do some rapid fire uk

numbers all right we got us who wanted a prayer prayer line we got a 700 club 24 hour that would

It would have been me.

I was one of the religious prank calls.

All right, here you go.

Fuck the 700 Club.

I've never watched that show.

You know about bullshit.

When I was sick last year and I was stuck at home,

I would end up watching the 700 Club, and it was so weird.

There was a comedian, a Christian comedian.

I've never heard of Christian comedians.

Stand-up comedians.

It's busy.

It's scary.

Wow, man.

Looks like God doesn't like the 700 Club.

Fuck, he shouldn't.

Actually, hold on.

I will say this.

It looks like God doesn't like the Republican National Convention either.

Who would think that?

Yeah, they're going to fucking blow it up with a hurricane.

It's all good for me, you know what?

Because I don't live in Orlando anymore.

I can give a shit.

No more hurricane.

Yep.

It's one of the many reasons I would not live in Florida.

Yeah, well, one of the reasons I left.

Those goddamn hurricanes.

There's two places in Florida I might consider living.

One is Daytona, and the other is where all the rednecks are.

Ew, Daytona?

God.

Thank you for calling the 700 Club.

We're so glad you called.

Thank you.

All of our prayer representatives are currently assisting other callers.

Please stay on the line and we'll be with you in just a moment.

Let's hopefully get in a parade at the Hurricane Destroys Florida.

Why would you want to...

Ask them about masturbating a horse.

Why would you want to live in Daytona Beach?

Are you serious?

Ask them for a lot of masturbating your horse.

Tell them you just beat your wife and you're looking for forgiveness.

Daytona Beach is so nasty, man.

oh i gotta say it's where i live you go like 10 miles like middle of wife country i'm not doing

that sorry yeah fuck yeah fuck up yeah well me me and andy grew up really close to daytona beach

and this is such a dirty town i can't i don't know why you said that man

it's probably because i like nascar oh god yeah yeah yeah there's a there's a joke where

Where we came from, in Orlando, in Central Florida, they say, like, it's a bunch of people that sit in their cars for, you know, four hours to watch, you know, cars drive around in a circle for four hours.

Because the traffic is horrendous trying to get there.

I-4 backs up for, like, goddamn near five cities.

I go to Bristol, where it's a short trek, and we have a secret parking spot that gets us out in about half an hour.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, because of the traction of Valley and the way where our secret parking spot is out of the way,

you have to hike up this big, steep-ass hill.

I remember skipping school during spring break and going to Daytona Beach back when it used to be happening.

It was fun.

Yeah.

Good times.

In the back of Andy's truck, as a matter of fact, I remember we were going.

Yeah, I remember.

Andy had this green Nissan pickup truck.

Yeah.

Hello?

Is this, who is this, Allison Michael?

Yes.

Is this Allison, Michael?

Yes.

And you have a girl's name?

That's part of the issue.

Well, you've just got the names the wrong way around, haven't you?

This is Michael Allison, then?

Correct.

So your last name is Allison?

So you have a girl's name for a last name?

No.

Oh.

But Allison's a girl's name, though.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

I'm with Valentin Associates in Washington, D.C.

Have you got anything better to do?

No, no.

No, I was trying to clarify, because your name came up in a lawsuit, and it said that you were...

You know what time it is in England?

No, I don't care. It's stupid mouth-breathing...

Well, I do. Bye.

It's animals that live there.

Mouth-breathing animals.

They're a bunch of hywad.

Richie was trying to call me.

They brush their teeth with powdered sugar.

As far as I understand, I think Richie's the only person that can't make it to the life raft.

That's probably just a skunk.

That was a Ford. Annie says it was a Ford pickup.

That Ford, that green Ford pickup.

I think Andy had, like, a six-pack of beer that had been back there for, like, six months.

Was it Red Dog?

I think it was.

It had to have been Red Dog.

Andy, I don't think you're around for that,

but I was talking about how you had your black friend that would buy us beer but only Red Dog.

He told you literally, like, oh, I ain't going to buy nothing but Red Dog.

All we ended up drinking was Red Dog.

Yeah.

When I started drinking, it was in college, and everybody was on Natty Light.

Now you get more bang for your buck there.

Richie, so you can't make it for the draft?

What's going on?

I can now.

You can? All right, man.

Clearing a schedule, see?

See, Milkman?

How come Richie can do that and you can't?

See?

Hey, man, you know what?

I've got to learn.

I've got to have somebody look up to you.

Well, you're not playing games.

I guess you're not playing football either.

I ain't playing no frigging games.

All right.

Let's get that fucking straight.

Yeah, he straightened us out a while back on the games thing.

Football is also included in a game.

No checkers, no chess.

Don't even get me started about football's game.

No water polo.

He doesn't even play with himself.

Hey, what about women's beach volleyball?

Um, yes.

I didn't watch any of that this Olympics.

I heard it sucked.

I heard they had clothes on this time.

Hello?

Yes, this is John Bennion.

Yes, well, no, you didn't get me this time in the bloody ball game.

Don't yell like that to me, mister, okay?

I'm calling you with the joke of the day.

Hello?

God.

I think he wants us to call him back.

I think that's what he said.

That is what he said.

This time let me talk.

All right.

Hello.

Oh, boy.

What's playing in the background?

He's watching TV.

He's watching RedTube.

I'll try him again.

I think he left it off the hook.

Yeah, he did.

Yep.

Give it a few seconds.

Try it again.

Do you think...

Oh, Carlito, you think Charlie might be interested in some fantasy football?

The what?

You think Charlie might be interested in getting a team?

Oh, yeah.

I should be excited.

He doesn't know what football is.

I don't know.

Let's call him and ask.

Oh, well, I'll call them last.

I've got two U.K. numbers left here.

All right, well, you probably won't answer.

We might be able to get something funny.

John Andrews.

John Anderson.

Andrews.

Un.

Plus 4-4.

Yay.

Good morning.

Good morning, John.

Yeah?

Yes, this is Brent Valente calling from Valente & Associates in Washington, D.C.

You know what time it is?

No.

6.15 in the morning.

Is it time for you to get up and brush your teeth with powdered sugar?

No.

That's all you Brits do over there, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah?

What did you want?

Oh, I wanted to see if you wanted to make a donation to Mitt Romney's campaign, because we represent him.

No, I don't think you do.

Why not?

No, you don't think so?

Hey, wait a second.

Oh, God.

He said yes.

They do powder sugar.

I get it.

Wait, wait, wait.

I just had an idea.

We should call Barack Obama's campaign asking him to donate to Mitt Romney.

They called me today.

Who?

Obama or Romney?

Obama's campaign

call me

it's the same guy

yeah

another

individual

Obama's campaign

beef Obama

he's not answering there

we got one last number here

John Ackland

Ackland

oh can we do

the special Olympics thing

what about it

what are we gonna do

it's like

where you call

and say you're

a representative

for the special Olympics

and say

Gertie Aron

will come on

with like a

weird voice

and you'll say

or something like that

sounds awesome

do it

Easter Seals

The hell are Easter Seals?

What do they do?

I don't know.

Isn't that like one that says...

They give computers to retards.

What does the Lions Club do?

Nothing.

They give glasses out.

Oh, they're cool then.

I like that.

Welcome to BT Answer 1571.

The person you're calling...

Nope.

And Charlie, right?

That's what we said.

See if he answers.

Yeah.

See if he wants to do fantasy football.

He's not very friendly.

Not friendly, but just not very complacent, I should say.

He's not getting angry.

Yeah, what do you mean anger?

Charlie.

Let's just try like the old standby, you know, of like Ralph Lil Jon and Pepsi water.

Oh, Chucky.

Charlie.

Charlie, what you doing?

You playing poker?

Who's this?

This is Cross.

You're playing poker?

You know you Asian people got problem with gambling, huh?

What are you talking about?

You look something?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you getting ice cream?

What?

Are you getting ice cream?

Ice cream.

No, I think that you're wrong number.

No, this is Charlie.

Charlie, shut that shit off in the back.

This is stupid shit.

What is it?

This is stupid shit, Charlie, I'm talking to you.

Shut up, you.

You stupid asshole.

Charlie, turn that love shit off.

Well, I got him to say shut up, you, finally.

That's angriest you've heard him in a few months.

I think he was connected on the same line as Ken.

Yeah, I guess so.

He sounded like he was buying ice cream.

Did you call the cell or did you call the restaurant?

The cell, the cell.

No, the lady doesn't do anything.

So tell me, Richie, you're going to make it for the draft.

I think everyone's going to make it now.

Sunday, I think, works out.

Yeah.

9-15.

Yeah, all right, we're good.

All right, cool.

All right, awesome.

All right, cool.

Richie, good luck.

6-15 on the fucking West Coast.

Yeah, all right.

By the way, my team is the New Bridge Tennis Rackets.

That's who you are, the New Bridge Tennis Rackets.

What is that?

Why?

Why? What does that mean?

Isn't that on the lady that got arrested

for killing her husband or something like that?

Maybe.

Well, is it or isn't it?

It's not. It's not a real case.

Okay.

Bye, guys.

Bye, creepy.

All right, so listen.

I was going to say,

I'm thinking about broadcasting the giraffe

on Skype, like putting it on the stream.

That would be kind of fun.

Yeah, there you go.

Well, if you guys are around, Skype in.

We can do our selections together.

Of course, always when it's a dull moment, we can make a couple calls.

Yeah, I'm thinking so.

I'm going to pick Felix Hernandez as my quarterback.

Felix Hernandez.

Because he threw a perfect game.

Yeah, I'm going to pick him.

Martin Gramatica is going to be my quarterback totally all the way, man.

Hell yeah.

And then Usain Bolt is going to be my running back.

Hey, dude, he'd be a good running back, you know?

They can put Jamaicans in a bobsled.

They can put him on a fucking football uniform

Exactly, why not

Hey, Jeffrey Demps

With the Patriots, won a silver medal

In sprinting at the Olympics

Except he's from fucking Florida

Gators suck

Alright, I'm out of here

O.J. Simpson

Alright, bye Rich, you're out of here on your ass

See you later, man

Later guys, did you put up the podcast yet?

No, I'm on it, I'm working on it

Fuck, two weeks

Three weeks

See you. Bye, Dirty Arid.

Later.

Zyklon, out of your ass, too.

I got one last word I gotta say.

Niggas?

Wow. Horrible.

Milkman, king of racists tonight.

Are you there? Angry man?

Angry Milkman? Look at that.

We lost Milkman, too. Milkman!

Damn it. I guess Milkman's not here.

Milkman.

I'll thank everyone who submitted prank requests,

including the great lonesome loser,

Marijuana.

I don't know, Mr. Horsinth in one, right?

I had a few of them there, I don't know.

If you send in a number, thank you.

Thank you everyone who tuned in and had a great time with me tonight.

I got a lot of editing to do, a lot of bleeps for this show,

like Mikey129 is saying.

Racism and the N-word just being thrown around.

I don't think we have many black people listening to this show.

And I think the ones that do probably just know this is a joke.

Scotland says we're back in form, good.

All right, so, yeah, I guess, so, yeah, why not?

Sunday night, so 9.15, around 9 o'clock, I'll start a broadcast.

Most of you aren't going to care to hear it.

I think it'll just be fun to do.

We'll broadcast the draft, and then after that, we'll do prank calls.

So around 10 p.m. Eastern, this coming Sunday, we'll hopefully have some prank calls,

everything working normal.

It won't be a long show because we'll have to work on Monday,

but maybe I'll do an hour of show.

So check out for that.

And, Andy, I'll try to get with you on making sure you're able to get on the draft.

In time.

Well, there you go.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you for tuning in and have yourselves a wonderful weekend.

Monkey chan.

There you are.

What's wrong with you?

What took you so long?

It's too late now.

I already signed off the show, though.

Don't be trying to come in here late.

Signing off the show.

I stepped out from that.

I'm looking good now.

And I just wanted to tell you, man, thank you.

Much love.

And then, fuck.

I'm kidding.

You want to sign off the show?

You can.

Go ahead.

No one can...

All right, all right.

Oh, okay.

All right.

And, okay, well, I like this.

Thank you, everybody.

Hope you enjoyed it.

I think it's good here tonight.

Man, how...

Huh?

Milkman, you sound like you're jerking off.

I'm going to let you go.

Just, we're dope.

No, I ain't.

No.

They did with all of our friends right here in 98.6 to Mount.

All our friends over at Cacti, wherever you may be.

All our friends over at Blue Planet.

All our friends over there at Send Me Cape Radio.

Thank you so much.

All hands held high.

Ha, oh, the numbers hit, man.

That's right.

I want something to lose up.

I thank everybody for tonight, especially you.

That's right, our listeners, our dear, beloved listeners, militia.

Every week, we give you the most interactive show you can find right here on the Internet.

Bring your friends, or better yet, bring your enemies.

You're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

Drop the dime, all we ask is you give the time, share, laugh, and come and join us.

We do it out of our money.

The leader, the generalissimo, the captain.

Fantasy Football League in the Madhouse.

Monito!

My brother, thank you so much.

Again, for sharing joy with all of our beloved.

We've got to thank Nunu also, Milkman.

Come on, don't be mean.

Thank you, Nunu.

I love you.

I just wanted to...

All right, bye, Milkman.

Take care.

Good night.

Love you.

You.

Calls (29, 1 h 11 min of 2 h 56 min)

Transcript

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