Banana Leaves Wrapped With Rubber Bands

the decision is always yours and your whole future may depend on making the right one

so no matter where you meet a stranger be careful if they are too friendly if they try to win your

confidence too quickly and if they become overly personal one never knows when the homosexual is

about he may appear normal and it may be too late when you discover he is mentally ill so keep with

your group and don't go off alone with strangers unless you have the permission of your parent

or teacher

I pay all my bills

motherfucker

I can buy you

and your wife

and your daughters

and fuck them all for you

you're not paying

for your business machines

I fuck you

send up a bitch

stop making us

get the cuttings

you're out of your

crazy mind

you ain't getting

no goddamn dollars

I'll fuck you

all night long

you're not perfect

why don't you

piss off

you're listening

to the Madhouse

Radio Prankcast

what do you want

Like, fucker.

Fuck you, bitch.

Bye-bye, fucker.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

Hey.

Oh, I forgot to turn the banner off.

Whoops.

Now I remember.

Yay.

Hope you're all having a great night.

I'm Carlito the guy on the microphone.

That's what Kermit the Frog would say if he was listening.

He'd be like, yay.

Isn't that what he used to always do, Milkman?

Remember Kermit?

Oh, Kermit.

Good old Kermit.

Always good for a fucking laugh.

Video glitching.

Is the video really glitching?

Shouldn't be glitching.

Won't be a lie.

Milkman, are you there?

I think I...

Oh, there we go.

Good point, Milkman.

Yes, I do.

I do have a lot of good things planned tonight.

Thank you.

Good point.

Thanks, man.

Man, that's nice of you to say.

Nothing but the finest.

That's a lot of pressure.

Thanks.

I hope you're all having a great night.

Yeah, we're having a good night.

It's a better night now.

But you know what?

I'm in the van.

Milkman's over there cooking.

That's good.

Hey, I would not cook on the air.

There's no way.

That's against the rules.

If you read the rules, you've got the Madhouse production.

It's not allowed.

It's not permitted.

No, not at all.

I will be called up against the board if I do.

Not at all.

So this is Madhouse Radio.

Radio, Carlito and the Milkman will be doing

prank calls and talking and having a good old time

entertaining people in audio

and video tonight.

We're on the extended Madhouse Radio Network

over at madhouselive.com

That's the main vein, the main

homepage. 98.6

The Mouth.

98.6

The Mouth.

Right, we're also on Cacti Radio.

Which I don't understand

what's going on. I don't know.

What's going on at Cacti Radio?

you know i hear brad last week's like hey man you should be on cacti radio first he doesn't want me

on cacti radio second day he wants me on cacti now now there isn't a cacti radio but there is

a cacti radio i don't understand what's going on with the cacti radio milkman i don't understand

what's going on with it uh brad got threatened at home people showed up at his house um apparently

uh probably should it be i'm probably gonna get in a lot of trouble for talking about this but

But it was really a crazy story, and I think we should all share the story

and just learn how you've got to be careful when you're prank calling, Milkman.

It's very important.

Absolutely.

There's some do's and don'ts, and we've already been down a couple of the alleys ourselves.

So, you know, let's share the info, man.

We don't want anybody to go down and complain.

Apparently, so Brad had messed with some people locally,

a local geek squad where he lives over there on the West Coast,

and a group of these people came by and i guess some of them were hispanics i think there was

mexican or nicaraguan or something and they were uh brad has like a gate outside of his house

and they were trying to use a like a pickup truck to run through the gate to break the gate down

and the guy the guy uh went to the bed of the truck and he pulled out a four by four and he was

He was, like, getting ready to go through with a 4x4 to break the gate.

And then Brad has a friend who has a carry concealed license, and he shot at them.

And the bullet, like, grazed, like, under the, like, in between his torso and his arm.

Like, right under his armpit, the bullet went through.

And they dropped the 4x4s and the crowbars and stuff and everything,

thing and they jumped in their cars and they sped off they lit a cloud of dust and they left a cloud

of dust and everything and brad freaked out you know brad freaked out and he uh contacted the

local police and they are investigating they have a lawsuit two people got arrested uh but now they're

talking about they might bring charges against brad because the guy that shot the gun i guess

where brad lives there's a there's a rule that you can't discharge or you can't have firearms

arms within the city limits um it's one of those towns where you're not supposed to have guns even

for protection even though he had a state light state issued carry conceal license um you know

so it's a big mess and understandably brad's trying to lay low and that's what happened

everyone keeps asking oh my god you need to get with amd man the madhouse lawyer man that

this is the case for him i'm tired of trying to um explain the whole thing that's what happened

Wow, and I'm really sorry to hear that, but I have to give you all the details that I left here and that's for you.

From what I understand, the regularly scheduled program that we've interrupted on Syndicate

is old white man drinking, sitting on the couch, yelling at the camera for two hours.

That's the show we just interrupted, and now we're on instead.

I don't know.

That guy, he was going on.

There's some white guy.

I don't know what's going on with Syndicate.

There's some white guy there.

Get in the chat room.

Get in.

He's like Milkman.

He looks like a skinny Milkman.

He's yelling at the people to get in the chat room and all this stuff.

and they have a they have a chat room no it's a black amish she's some white guy he's just

sitting there being all weird let me see if i can find oh you said you look like me i'm sorry

i misunderstood you no well yeah he looks like you know what you would think you'd look like

but you're not black milkman we all yes i am man yeah right i'm proud to be i'm proud to be come

on i don't i don't know i don't know if it kicked him off and put me on or if he's still on because

No, he's still on.

What is this guy?

Why is he on?

Listen to this guy.

I'm not playing an ad.

I'm not playing an ad, and that sucks.

Well, we'll have to round when the ad's over in 22 seconds.

I'll let you guys listen to what they have on Cinekin Cinema right now.

If I had Dino's phone number, I'd call him right now.

We're like, what the fuck?

Why is there some old guy over there yelling, screaming about numbers and shit?

Three seconds left of ads.

here we go he's got a camouflage hat on i think he's got a harley davidson shirt and he's staring

at the camera very fuzzy he's got a mustache and glasses he looks white he looks like he's in his

50s um he's gonna miss gary being in here but maybe i can get him on the phone he's he's got

a couch he's got like a big plush snoopy nobody important like in the background

So we're being preempted

For this

Listen to this guy

He's so stupid

I'm gonna call somebody now

I'm gonna do a prank call

Hello, are you shitting the toilet?

Look, he's on the phone

Let's see, who's he calling?

He looks like a NASCAR guy

He's doing laundry too

I think we're gonna have to sit

We're gonna have to send the heat squad over to him

I wonder who is this guy

I wish we knew who the fuck this was

Hey, everyone, if you're listening, keep the show, the Madhouse show, in the background, right?

And then go to stickcam.com slash syndicate radio TV live.

If you're in a chair, we're going to put it in there.

And all of you start at...

And then message if you want him to turn off his stream and go to the Madhouse.

Yeah, tell him to get the fuck off so we can go on syndicate.

So it's Vern the call, the elf call.

Vern, the fuck is he talking about?

Vern the call.

Everyone go in that chat room

And tell that old man to get the fuck out

Request that he sign off

But we got real entertain on the line

Yeah

There's no people in syndicate right now

What happened the member syndicate used to be so busy

There's three viewers

Live right now ten total

Since this guy started about two hours ago

Now it's up to us

We got eleven people back in the room

Alright let's get everybody on go

Somebody log in

Then go to stick'em.com and create a profile using your name, Sam Harriot, or whatever you want to use it as.

And create a profile.

I've got 11 people in there that are going up.

Tell them to shut the fuck up.

RBCP's in there.

RBCP, what's up, buddy?

Well, I'm sorry, but Gary's not here.

I apologize.

What a dumbass.

RBCB says this is gay

and he goes, I'm sorry, Gary's not here

we've been on the road

he's talking about Gary the retard, he's usually on

before I start on Thursdays

this is a good job for you

go run him out the channel

hey evil, what's up buddy

pure evil went in and left

I'll continue to monitor that, that's kind of funny

anyway, so

if you want to send in your prank request, you can

let's move on with our own show here

the prank request

form is available over

at madhouselive.com. Hit the

Request a Prank button. If you're

using AOL or Yahoo Instant

Messenger, Madhouse Radio

is the screen name.

Madhouse Radio on AOL

and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you're using MSN Messenger,

madhouseatlive.com.

You know,

Milkman, you missed a good time on Sunday.

We had our fantasy football

draft, man. Oh, cool, man.

It went well. Everyone showed up.

12 of us were in there

hanging out in the chat room

and some of us even got on

Skype. Andy got a spot.

Yeah, Andy got a spot. Andy was in the draft

and we were all on Skype. Not all of us

but about half of us made it on Skype.

Me, Dirty Aaron, Zyklon, Richie,

Ken, and me.

Who ended up taking my spot again?

Who ended up taking my spot?

What's the guy's name?

No, no.

some guy what's his name oh god damn it uh nitrous cookie that's who it was nitrous cookie yeah yeah

yeah thank you for that i appreciate that my brother make sure you go out there and show

him a good time man grow him up good for me and the one guy who who made me change the draft back

to sunday ended up getting caught in a rainstorm when he was at a red lobster and showed up late

to the draft and it got a bunch of shitty picks no quarterbacks suck all right they're giving

them shit in the chat room let's listen bye are you banning people it's manhouse time right now

you're in the wrong time zone he says you're in the wrong time zone oh man rbcp says could you

pretend to be carlita from manhouse and it says god you're a bad actor all right cool i like it

did he get off oh man i was just kidding i was only kidding gina i was only kidding that was

kind of fun to mess with them it doesn't look like we're gonna gain any listeners or viewers

by going on there all right give me a second while i load up syndicate for some reason

yeah well you missed a good draft man we had a good time i'm looking forward to a good season

starts next thursday a week from today the football season starts man or i think it's

wednesday the football season starts next wednesday i think it starts i'm pretty sure

sure it's next week yeah yeah next wednesday next wednesday i mean rather i think the kickoff game

i think the cowboys are playing the giants i think that's the first game of the season

anyway nunu says time for prank calls all right good send me some numbers uh smart guy cool guy

you have any numbers you do i don't have numbers that would help sir i got a request to prank so

hang on let me get to those give me just a second i'm gonna load up the request to pranks here and

and we'll do some prank calls.

How does that sound?

They're money, so hey, man, listen.

What?

I got a new cool song, man.

My cousin has found a Madhouse song for it,

so later on, I will send you a file, man.

It's pretty cool, man.

Maybe someone could use it.

What's it about?

Madhouse.

Madhouse Radio?

It's about Madhouse, yeah.

They say right in there, Madhouse.

Oh, cool, yeah.

Is it Anthrax?

Yeah, actually, yeah.

Yeah, really?

I already heard this stupid song.

It's stupid.

I don't want to hear it.

i'm kidding no yeah uh do you send it to me and um do you have uh uh gort milkman

can you send it send it to me on gort do you have a gort account

yeah you have a gort right now look for it here it's coming to you right now

all right gort g-o-r-t.com i'm serious have you ever used gort it's really good you can

transfer up to oh yeah i use it every day i'm talking to you on it right now man oh okay cool

Cool. Send it to me on Gort.

All right, man. Okay. One-eyed Snowsnake. I found you. There you are.

Yeah, good. Hang on. You've got to hit send transfer.

Okay. Okay. Sorry.

You have to Gort me.

Okay. Accept. Go ahead and accept.

Hang on. All right. I'm getting it. It's super fast transfers.

Look at that. See? The transfer's already done, Milkman. Oh, my God.

God, I didn't even see it. It's flicking my eyes.

It just flies. Yeah, Gort's awesome, man. I'm madhouse live on Gort.

I won't tell anybody your personal account.

All right, well, I won't give your board account.

Thank you.

All right, well, new news.

It's something here.

A number for Sophie Greek Restaurant.

A bird answered.

A bird.

Yeah.

We got a request for pranks, too.

Damn it.

Chloe's over here next to me.

She's having a good old time listening to the show, Milkman.

When did this say Madhouse, Milkman?

Thanks for calling Sophie Restaurant.

How can I help you?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to order a food, please.

For takeout?

I'd like to pick it up.

Is that okay?

Or do you not allow people in there

Washing their hands and stuff

You can come pick it up

What would you like

Wash my feet and hands

Do you have a sink

Is your sink low or is it high

Is your sink low or high

It's high

What would you like

Well do you have

Let's see here

You don't have chicken tikka masala

No

We have chicken souvlaki

Oh do you have that

Lemon orzo soup

That looks like

We do

The abgolemono soup

The lemonaco soup

Abgolemono

Lemonaco

Hang on

Let me write that down

Amalac

Amalonaco

Right

Abgolemono

Do you want to place an order

Or no sir

Yeah I'd like two

Abgolemonos

Two abgolemonos

Uh spicy

Can I get your name

Uh this is cross

And a phone number for you

Uh

Did you get my last name

I don't need your last name

Cross is your first name

I just need a phone number.

Malacca is my last name.

Your phone number?

Okay.

I'd like two orders.

Two agua lemonos.

Two malacca.

Okay.

I have two agua lemonos so far.

Two agua lemonos, two malaccas, two pustis.

What do you like?

The pustis, we like them to take their shirts off like they used to do in Greece.

Like they do in Greece.

You know how the men walk around with their shirts off?

Mm-hmm.

And they'll dance and they'll like do a genuflect for each other.

and they'll dance around the circle and in greece they put a they put a baby in in in the middle of

the street and then the men dance with their shirts off in a circle around the baby and then

they kick the baby and then they go the ha the the ha ha ha well no she's gone she's been gone

milkman i don't think she could well we've seen a lot of that when is it hey order milkman that

that song but you

goarded me when does

it start saying

madhouse because it's

been a minute now

a rip at the

beginning and then

probably about like

maybe 10 15 seconds

in you're like

snapped to it and

then i don't know

by about i think

about 30 seconds

maybe or so you

start getting some

shit about madhouse

it's a minute 15 and

i haven't heard any

madhouse yet hang on

oh he said they said

it milkman they

said it's a madhouse

thanks for sending

that to me i'm goared

man that's awesome

yeah man excellent

dude man i love this

transfer dude thanks

for turning me on

wow it's a madhouse it's a madhouse yeah that's a stupid song it's made by stupid white people

in the stupid 80s listen to this there's stupid white people uh with their shirts off uh jumping

around the stage with long hair and they used to use hairspray what was that about why were white

people like oh this is cool uh i'm in a band called scorpion and i use hairspray and i dress

dressed like a girl and i think it's rock and roll rock and roll i'm a gay if a madhouse

hey all those that was a gay agenda all those all those groups back then those hairspray hair

metal bands it was part of a jewish gay agenda conspiracy man what they learned they learned

from the old school rappers dude that's what we're telling the polaris confirms anthrax are

Jewish. See, that's what I'm saying.

Gay Jewish agenda. That's what the song is.

Milkman,

would you please un-gort this song from

my gort file?

Hold on here. Hold on. Let me

save it. Okay, okay, man. I got it.

Alright, thanks. I appreciate it. Instead of that,

we'll listen to Rappin' Duke instead,

which is more...

This is a song... Milkman, when I hear this

song, I think of you.

So you think you're bad

with your rap? Well, I'll

tell ya. I started

started the crap when you were in diapers and wetting the sheets i was at the ponderosa

rapping to the beat

sure i rustled some cattle and tended the sheep but my main concern was rapping to the beat i

don't bother nobody i'm a real nice guy kind of laid back like a dead fly

Da-ha, da-ha-ha.

There you go, man.

That's a classic.

I cannot believe it, man.

You got that old following.

No one's ever supposed to hear that.

It was just like a demo, man.

I'll send that to you on Gort.

That's awesome, man.

I didn't even know that demo ever got out, man.

That's supposed to be top secret, dude.

The arm is madly at work here in the madhouse, dude.

They dug it out, man.

That's an old song, man.

If you all remember Biggie Smalls, when he had his song Juicy,

and he goes remember rapping duke the ha the ha that's what he's talking about he never thought

the hip-hop would take it this far now i'm in the limelight because they're on tight time to get

paid blow up like the world trade born thinner the opposite when i remember we used to eat sardines

for dinner no i'm done you're done all right good yes good you're done you're out of here

bye everyone say bye to milkman he's out of here okay man my cat you know what my cat is doing

she's trying to get my attention to open the door for her you know what she's doing

you know how milkman you know how on the door they put those little springy things so it doesn't

hit the wall and make a hole oh yeah yeah she's she's she's pawing it to make noise

open the door for her uh chloe come here chloe i'm busy i'm sorry i'm busy you're gonna have

to wait well till you're stuck here for two hours with me yeah i'm sorry you're the one

Decided not to leave the bedroom

When you had a chance

Now you're stuck here

Too bad

Drink some wine

All right

I was looking dumb

I've been drinking wine all night

If you can't tell

I'm a little drunk

So let's go ahead

And look at some

Request a prank

See who we can call

FBI Steve

Sends in a number

From President

Of the Turkish Kitchen

Oh yeah

Here Milkman

i forgot to mention uh we got information the turkish kitchen you know your your good friend

the turkish horse oh yeah yeah yeah yeah well uh the uh the arm has sent in information that

looks to be we haven't confirmed it he hasn't fully confirmed it but the arm thinks he has

found uh he or she thinks he has uh they have found the house number for the uh uh we got a

The first one I just gave out is versus the last name.

For the Turkish horse.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Excellent.

Amazing, man.

The mouth of the arm, dude.

You can't hide from the arm, man.

No one hides from the mouth for long.

The arm is coming through, and here's Unconfirmed is the name.

President, CEO, agent.

And we got a home address, a phone number, age 40 to 44 years old.

Also runs pet service, a pet boarding and sitting service.

Thank you.

Get it?

Because he's a horse.

All right, so let's call this guy here.

That's hilarious that the first call we did

where Jen Stewart was selling him,

he works for a horse insemination company,

and apparently this guy also runs,

if this pans out, he also runs that service.

But anyway, I digress.

Let's see if we can find the Turkish horse guy

at his house and mess with him.

Well, he probably is at work right now, isn't he?

He's probably getting close to closing time.

He might still be there, dude.

I don't know if he's masturbating the horse

He's in the wife there now instead of him.

I think he's cheating on his wife.

I think he's making out he's going to be somewhere.

I think he says to his wife, look, I have to go to the gym tonight.

And he's cheating on his wife.

Well, he's probably went down there to the steam house.

The Turkish steam house.

Yeah.

Hello.

No one is available today.

Well, let's call him first.

We'll see if that's his name.

I'll ask for him by name, see if he answers.

Yes.

Who's calling?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

From there?

This is Ralph Littlejohn from the International Business Machines.

It's confirmed.

Yes, am I speaking with Mr.

How do you pronounce that?

What are you calling for?

Well, I'm calling from International Business Machines,

and first I have to let you know that this is an attempt to collect a debt.

International Business Machines.

Yes, and this is an attempt to collect a debt,

and this call is being monitored and recorded.

Am I speaking with...

Yes, tell me what kind of machine is that.

Pet? I have no idea from what you say.

Your business machines that you have, we have you at Turkish Incorporated and pet services.

Pets?

Pet service, like animals and horses and stuff.

I have no idea. Can you mail it to me? I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Well, the business machines from Turkish Incorporated.

Yeah, but what kind of a business machine? This is a restaurant.

What kind of machine do you use?

Who did we leave it from? Bank of America? Because we mailed it a time ago.

We mailed the machine back to them a long time ago.

and that you're behind.

I mailed it to them.

If they didn't receive it, they should have called me.

You don't have to say the F word to me, sir,

because I have your information here, and we have your address.

Well, mail the goddamn thing to me, motherfucker,

and I'll use any word I want.

Well, we're going to put a lien in 30 days in your address on *** Street.

Mail it to me.

And I'm going to go take a big shit in your fucking house on *** Street,

and I'm going to kick in your door.

Why don't you come and fuck my cock?

You pay the fucking money.

You fucking Indian.

Where are you calling from?

Bombay?

Learn to speak some English.

I'm calling from Athens, Greece.

Yes, I can tell.

You know, you guys like to.

That's why.

You stupid monkey bastard not paying your bills.

Fuck you.

Go get a bank.

How bad is business that you can't pay your bills?

How bad is business you can't pay your bills?

What's wrong?

I pay all my bills, motherfucker.

I can buy you and your wife and your daughters and fuck them all for you.

You're not paying for your business machines.

Yeah, that was great.

He's back.

Gold star.

Ding, ding, ding.

Who reeled that one in, man?

Confirmed, huh?

FBI Steve did that.

FBI right on the nose, man.

Good work, FBI Steve.

You nailed it, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, you definitely went over our auspices in the arm.

There you have it.

Wow.

that wasn't that intense

that was good

they're always welcoming the madhouse

and your friends

that was awesome

there you go

rapping duke says it the best

that's awesome

let's try to call back

yes may I speak with

there's no need for that sir please

he usually goes home around like an hour from now chloe stop i'm not opening the fucking door cat

no oh no she needs to learn her respect she walks around his house like she owns the fucking place

sometimes i wake up in the morning and she starts meowing up a storm that won't leave me alone wants

me to feed her no chloe no i'm tired of it with chloe all the time if i if i sit down to eat

chicken she's starting she's begging for chicken she's pawing at me yeah pawing my leg and meowing

at me staring at me like i'm an asshole let me eat my chicken my mom's boy stop it stop chloe

no no god you know what she does sometimes too i'll go to sleep and she hides under the bed

and then i'll close the door to go to sleep i don't like sleeping with my door open bedroom

and then at two o'clock in the morning i'm woken up because she's sitting there pawing at that

the thing on the door, the springy thing on the door,

to wake me up, so I'll let her out

so she can go take a shit in the box.

Aww.

Too bad. Hold it.

Go shit in the corner there.

I'll have Athena pick it up later.

It's her job.

God.

Well, you know, if you get out the book bag,

you may end up getting some more unleaded attention.

I'll have to let her out a little bit.

I'm busy right now, Chloe.

You're going to have to wait.

Sit down and wait.

If I call her, she'll come running to me if I call her.

Chloe

Chloe chicken

come here get some tuna

she's right here she's next to me

she's a stupid

I don't I think I have

I don't have any treats here at the desk

I usually keep treats here

hang on let's put her on mic

Chloe what is it

she's gonna start pointing

meow

you can hear her meowing

I'm gonna have to play a prank

I'm gonna play something

something and get up and fucking let her go because she's gonna know the shit out of me for

the rest of the night you have to get the cat mic out dude so like whenever she starts ripping

me out man like you know remember how mika used to go in the air yeah well i put in the crate too

she gets out of hand but chloe gets really when you put davi like he's cheese if you put davi in

his crate he just like kind of he's like whatever he just lays down and he'll actually sprawl out

and get all comfortable inside his crate and stuff but you put chloe in there and she freaks

out for about 10 minutes she does nothing but meow and then she she keeps like pawing at the

at the gate trying to find a weakness she she tries to find a weakness in every corner it's

like remember jurassic park where where the uh the one guy is explaining that the raptors keep

attacking the gate the electrified fence and oh yeah i really find a way through it yeah until

they find a weakness yeah that's kind of what chloe does when you put on her crate she's like

like i gotta get out baby kitty and she's actually broken out once i remember she actually i was like

how the fuck did you do that cat she's like freedom like no she leaned on it so long they

shorted out the transformer i don't know yeah probably probably we'll put i give me a let me

see do i have a cat related prank call here i don't know i don't know if i have a cat related

prank call we'll play don't call me asshole i think this is a funny one and i'll be right back

Give me two minutes

Just real quick

I won't play the whole prank

Just a little bit at the beginning

So I can let this fucking cat out

Before she drives me nuts

Listen

I came in and I demanded to get paid out

In United States dollars

And you people refused to do it out of the machine

I'm sorry sir

I came in and I command you

Commanded them to pay me out in United States dollars

The only currency I recognize

Yes

Would you like to speak to somebody?

Yes I want to speak to a man in charge

They had Saipan in charge.

This is Valente, and I want my money back.

Valente?

Yes.

Hold on, I'll get the manager.

Make it so.

Listen, Ray, I commanded I was supposed to be paid back in the proper currency.

United States dollars.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

What?

This is Valente speaking.

Who is on the line?

Who wrote us your name?

Valente.

This is Rinaldo Perez, the operations manager.

How can I help you?

Listen.

Listen, I was refused service over there when I won money, and I was given the money in non-United States dollars.

It was given to me in some other kind of banana money.

Now, why is this?

Hard Rocker.

When did you come here?

Earlier today.

What time?

Earlier today.

What time is it now?

Yes, I'm on the United States time.

It's 11.34 p.m.

Four?

Yes.

And then?

And then what?

I won some money, and they refused to give me United States dollars, and they pushed me out of the door,

and didn't give me any of my money back, and I command you to give it to me in United States dollars.

It's the server person.

I don't have names. They refuse to give me their name.

Can I get some more information?

It was a boy, a feminine boy.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Listen, asshole. You don't understand what I'm saying the complaint is?

Excuse me. Don't call me asshole.

Don't call me asshole. You just call me that.

I don't call you asshole. You're the one who called me asshole.

You've said it four times.

you said it four times

I've only said it once

you monkey asshole

you said it

I'm talking to you nicely sir

you said it two more times

than I have during this conversation

I'm back

Chloe went running away

so did you get out the book

is that what Luder in the cage

no no Chloe went running away

went straight to the litter box

I went to get some wine

and now Dobby's here

Hey, Dobby.

Dobby came in.

Dobby's the man for Macanudo, brother.

Yeah, but Dobby's cool.

Dobby actually hangs out while I do.

He loves being here.

He usually doesn't like this room that much.

He doesn't hang out with me.

He usually hangs out with Athena during the show.

Chloe's the one that's always with me,

but for some reason during the show,

he loves being in here with me.

Every Thursday, he'll run in here,

but in a second, he's going to jump on the bed

and he'll just hang out.

I've actually had him on camera a few times.

He loves being in here when I do the show.

He just likes my voice, hearing me talk.

I'm not allowed to talk in the house.

Well, I know the rest of the week, you know, you're made to be shut up.

You have to walk out, you know, your mouth with a gag in.

Yep, with a gag in.

Oh, we don't hear?

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks, appreciate that.

Sorry, bro.

Okay, beep it.

Beep.

You didn't hear that.

Yeah, ever since my wife read Fifty Shades of Grey.

No, no, no.

Beep, beep.

Anyway.

That's not true.

100% untrue.

Yeah, sure.

Milkman, whatever.

Whatever. You're the pervert around here, Milkman.

You ever do anything freaky with a girl like that?

You ever do any pain?

Welcome to PrisonPlanet.com.

You ever do any pain stuff with a girl, Milkman?

Pain is good for you, man.

You gotta watch out for the bad stuff.

I had a girl, she told me when she wanted me to choke her

while we were having sex.

I was like, I don't know if I want to do that, man.

Because I've heard stories.

Oh, boy.

I read stories like, you know, she'll say that

and then the next day, cops show up like,

yo, we got so-and-so over here

who said you raped her.

she's got the bruises to prove it you know it's like your word against hers fuck it you know what

are you gonna do you're fucked oh my yeah you're fucked that's good to go thank you andy says

milkman eats ass i knew it he's what you eat ass that you like you know you eat ass you eat a girl's

ass would you do that milkman be honest i'm not joking around would you go down in a girl's ass

would you eat a girl's ass out a girl would you lick a girl's ass out you know like you'd eat a

girl's ass would you do that would you let a girl do that to you well i wouldn't tell her no most

likely you wouldn't tell her stop that's gay you wouldn't say that well no no i wouldn't want the

girl man i mean you know it's a girl what is gay there is no game when you're with a woman you're

a man come on okay all right i'm just thinking would you let a girl put her finger in the

asshole while she goes down on you no look i got a one-way street some of our some of our people

there like it but you know they don't mind that but you know just come on milkman milkman listen

Listen, Milkman, this is Carlos talking.

This is your buddy, Carlos, all right?

Not Carlito.

All right, we're not on the air?

We're off air, yeah.

Now, imagine your girlfriend, you've got a hot girl.

She's going down on you, and then she sticks her finger up in there

and pokes around a little bit.

Will you make her stop, or will you go for it?

Oh, yeah, I'd have to back her out over there, man.

Down the road, we don't go a-dippin'.

All right, there you go.

I'm on this show.

Milkman's gay.

I'm back on the air now.

Did you unmute it?

Milkman's obviously gay because he wouldn't let a girl touch him.

touch him so whatever and he says only milkman's boyfriend gets his ass

he said what i can't see what he's doing the chat i'm not able to get there what's going on

and he says only your boyfriend gets your ass that's what he says

well you know i don't i don't wear the belt man so i don't quite qualify man

polaris is carlita she would own a little piece of you sexually

put up with every week kid she'd come out with a little piece of me that's for sure

or they wouldn't get out of it any other way.

Lonesome Harriet, where's the lonesome?

Lonesome just signed in on Skype.

He just signed in on Skype, so we should be seeing him soon.

I know there was some preseason football action tonight.

I know Steelers and Carolina were playing,

and I know the Eagles were playing tonight also.

I was at the gym, and I was watching football.

The Emus, what do you call the Emus?

The Eagles, you asshole.

Oh, Eagles, the Eagles.

The Eagles and Jets, I think, were playing tonight.

night there's one i told him in concert in like 2010 man when he did the tour it was excellent

dude all right that's good did michael vick play did he get hurt no no no and if they did um

these weenie feeling you know south california they did all the good ones you know i think i've

from what i've heard kdk is a total power bottom uh you know what that means milkman you should

look that look that up look up power bottom and you'll see that's what kdk is hi nunu wants us

to call greek i don't want to call the greek restaurant we called before brother uh because

she was kind of meh you know what i mean she whenever i said something stupid she'd just stay

quiet and then she hung up i said malaka and she didn't say anything back and i said pustis and

she didn't say anything back they don't send that number on the kdk so we're gonna worry about

she didn't seem too crazy about the whole thing johnny bravo what's he saying hang on we got a

7-eleven store oh yeah lonesome if you're listening already i think you're already

listening starting to confirm some numbers uh we need some cumberland farms rest uh gas station

convenience store machines cumberland farms uh we got some inside intel from the arm on those also

that we could use to our advantage excited about that all right well i'm just sitting here waiting

for numbers so i'll go to the request a prank i don't know why i haven't figured that out yet

the request a prank is there for us to use well i think it's time for it then and maybe get a

Well, let me see if I can get to this guy's

answer machine, first of all.

There we go.

Now Davi's hitting the door.

...is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

I did it wrong. I don't know why I just sat here

without hitting it.

Is it 1-2-3-4-0-0-0-0?

Yeah, Q1, then you gotta go across the board.

7-8-9.

Yeah, it's still...

I hung up on a milkman in an accident.

Whoops, hit the wrong hang-up.

Davi, I swear to God, Davi,

If you make me get up and let you out, I'm going to kick you in the teeth.

I'm going to kick you in your cat fucking teeth.

Knock it off.

Don't you start, too, son of a bitch.

Jesus Christ.

And I was coming back in, and I looked at him and said, Davi, you want in or out?

That's what he did.

He goes, that's what he does.

He meows like that.

Fine, get comfortable.

I'm not getting back up.

I'm a stupid gay orange cat.

Sorry about that.

I hit the wrong hang-up button.

Oops.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was a different number.

That's good.

Is it like zero?

I don't know.

It depends on what...

Yeah, that's one of the back door numbers there.

Hello.

He's got to lock down, man.

Anyway.

Are you there, Milkman?

Did I hang up on you again?

I'm here.

Oh, okay.

Got my niece home.

All right, Milkman, what did you cook for your mom?

What did you make for your big mom?

I'm making Moscow at home.

What?

Bollocks with elves?

What's that?

Dow soup.

Dow soup?

Yeah.

What's that?

You ever had Dow soup?

Lentil soup?

No, yeah, lentil soup.

Yeah, I know what that is.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not American lentil soup, though.

No?

What's in it?

Soy sauce?

I don't know, dude.

It's got coriander, garam masala, turmeric, salt, moong dhal, muscat dhal, ginger, and

then top it off with ghee and roasted cumin seeds.

You put pea?

Pea.

Yeah, that's what you rinse your mouth out afterwards.

Yeah, anyway.

All right.

All right, let's look at some more requested pranks here.

Including Big Daddy, who sent in a number here.

Big Daddy, I guess, is Johnny Bravo.

7-Eleven, he wants us to call.

I lost $165 in the store.

Holy shit.

He lost $165.

That's a lot of lottery tickets, man.

I'm just saying.

Holy shit, that's a lot of scratch-offs, man.

Let's give them a call.

Yes, hi.

Hi.

Is this 7-Eleven?

No, it's 7-Eleven.

What is it?

I just have a day.

Did you wash your hands?

Huh?

Did you wash your hands?

What?

Did you wash your hands?

My hands?

Uh-huh.

I ran out.

Yeah.

Tomorrow come here with my hands.

No, what do you speak?

Spanish?

You monkey, asshole, immigrant, stupid?

I don't know.

What language are you?

Are you Espanol?

No, I don't know.

Are you Indian?

No, Indian.

What are you?

Yeah.

Are you Maricon?

Huh?

Are you Maricon?

Well, can you put the customer on the phone?

I'm calling from the corporate office.

I command you.

Nobody.

I'm sorry.

Okay, bye.

What do you even answer the phone, you stupid asshole?

Stupid asshole.

Milkman, we got breaking news here from the arm.

This just keeps getting better and better, man.

All right, so apparently we got a picture.

I don't know if it's been posted in the chat room yet,

but we got a picture of the Turkish horse woman,

the woman who says she wants to fuck us all the time.

there's a picture too bad you're not in the chat room asshole huh you could be looking at her now

jacking off and everything you could you look at you look at that i let her fuck me i let her fuck

me look at her did we put that on yet that guys here i don't know if it's been on yet but there

you go apparently that is a picture of the turkish horse wife woman and she's yeah i'd hit that milk

Milkman, if you hear how she talks to me all the time,

is she a, yeah, I'll fuck you all the time?

No, no, somebody needs to set her straight.

I mean, I'm going back, I'm going by the,

I'm going by the honor seat right now.

I got to see this.

Well, you got to see it, Milkman.

Get in there and see it.

Please, hurry.

Hurry up.

You're done cooking dinner.

Did you clean the dishes and everything?

Did you clear the plate?

Clear the plates off?

Okay, I see it.

Milkman, did you, I know it's your last,

your last night with your mom.

Did you want to spend, you know, am I keeping you?

Maybe you should hang out with her or something.

Huh?

I know it's your last night

Hanging out with your mom

Before you go back home

Did you want to hang out with her

I just thought about that

I lost my mom

And the last thing I'd be wanting to do

Is a show

If I had one last night with her

Are you sure you're okay

Doing the show

You're okay

Just looking out for her

Oh that's her

Oh that's horse lady

Yes hi

hi um is the owner lady there at all or the who is this is this i can't hear you sir i want to

speak to the owner is the owner there i forgot who i'm surprised she didn't answer that's why

i was trying to get her to answer shit but that's a good sign that means it's probably the guy's

probably on his way home and he'll pick up when i call the house i'm serious look at her imagine

her telling you she'll fuck you that's what she says man that's what she looks like she doesn't

look angry when you hear when you look at her but damn i'm just saying unless that's his daughter

maybe that's his daughter i don't know still i don't think so she's kind of older looking

i think that's the wife dude it's just that you know anybody you know all asian people rarely

show their age especially women yeah well there you go well cool there you go man thank you the

arm for uh sharing that with us we appreciate it excellent fine gold star right there in the arm

That's FBI Steve sending it in, not the arm.

Possible pick of horse man.

Apparently we've got a possible pick of the guy now, Milkman.

Oh, my.

No, that can't be him.

We've got a possible picture of the horse man.

I'm going to put that in the chat room for everyone to see.

There we go.

I don't know if that's him.

That doesn't look like it'd be him.

A little too young.

I could be wrong.

That's a rumored picture of him at the headquarters of Turkish Horse Incorporated.

There you go.

Here's me.

Well, look, I'm going to try to keep it down, man.

I'm kidding.

I said try to keep it down.

I was being a jerk.

All right, so 7-Eleven that we just called was kind of retarded.

Those people are stupid.

Lonesome Loser is sending in numbers.

We'll get to those in a second.

Dozer sent in a number earlier.

It says, call from Twitter corporate.

Tell this guy how much you love his Twitter page.

Go on to say how well and professionally written his tweets are

and that you would like to sponsor him only to let him down.

Don't mean to be annoying

But don't forget the restaurants

I sent in

One closes around 11pm

Well too late for that

Because it's 11 o'clock on the dot

But anyway let's call Ryan

I guess he won't be doing that

Sorry

But we can call your guy

Who apparently has a beautiful twitter page

A pretty twitter page

I don't even know what his Twitter account is for me to see it or vouch for it, but here we go.

It'd be nice if I could tell him, oh, yeah, your Twitter account is this, but whatever.

Here we go.

Nice glitter page, man.

I like it.

I

swear to God, Dobby, stop.

Stop it.

He's doing the same thing Chloe does with the springy door thing.

Sorry about it.

I can't.

Oh, you want an asshole.

They never call back.

Anyway.

We got a number for Big Diane.

CKC Radio.

Oh, well, gas station.

The gas station we used to call?

The gas station?

Yeah, the chick you used to answer.

Is that who we're talking about?

No.

The mean lady?

The mean girl who was like, I got your number?

That girl you're talking about?

Okay, maybe I got it mixed up.

I was talking about that girl we used to call.

Who was it?

A girl at the gas station.

Whatever it was.

Yeah, I think I know who it was.

The Citgo?

It was a Citgo, I think, right?

Yeah, that's what it was.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I haven't called that place in a while.

Hang on.

She's in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and I told her to get the Jews out.

Yeah, I don't care, Davi.

Mail all you want.

Shove it up your ass.

Why don't you shove your tail up your ass and clean it out?

Clean out your ass with your tail and then lick her tail.

Yeah, Jason, I just want to say the Jews get out of Palestine, okay?

I want all the Jews out of Palestine.

Okay, see what I can do.

Well, I want all the Jews out, and Palestine is for the Palestinians.

All right, and will you also, do you have the icing machine there?

Will you put it in an extrude mode for me?

What mode was that?

Extrude.

How long will that take?

I'm quite sure I haven't done it before.

You've never done it before?

No.

It has three modes.

It has vend, it has clean, and it has mode number three.

Mode number three is secret mode.

It's extrude.

What that does, it separates the ice from the juice, from the syrup and the juices.

It separates them.

It extrudes one from the other, the elements together, and extrudes them out.

I got you.

So could you do that for me and come back and tell me what's happening?

I got a customer.

Hold on a second.

Who's the customer?

What are they doing?

Yeah.

What are they doing?

We're on the phone.

You're healing up.

Never mind.

Lonesome, if you're listening, Cumberland Farms.

That's what I'm in need of.

at Cumberland Farms Gas Station Convenience Store Machines.

That would be awesome.

Davi, why do you want to get out of here, Davi?

Maybe because I'm smoking a cigar.

He's like, I don't like that.

I smell bad.

He's a Davidoff fan.

Davidoff.

You know what?

Davidoff.

Yeah, I think Davi would smoke Davidoffs.

You know that?

Wouldn't he?

That's it.

I won't smoke Davidoff.

Look, man, last show I spoke about Davidoff.

They got this cigar shop that I go to.

um his premier selection is davidoff and i was looking he's he's got this davidoff cigar

it's like a braided three cigars braided on each other it's three cigars in one all like wrapped

around each other it costs it costs 50 i i can't justify buying that unless it's like a special

occasion like maybe my birthday or something or maybe christmas i might get a davidoff cigar or

something like that, or maybe when my divorce goes

through. Something like that. I'll get

that. I'm thinking about getting

that Davidoff 3. It's like

this braided 3 cigar thing. It looks really

cool. And you think it would be hard to

smoke, but the guys there are saying,

oh, no, this is actually a good, easy smoke,

man. But they're like, but get ready.

It's like a good 2

hours worth of cigar.

This one's cool. Yeah, man.

Man, that thing would be rough at the

end, man. I guarantee you all that nicotine

down there. Oh, nicotine, I know, right?

Make you sick.

You better eat something before you smoke that.

Eat some pizza.

Pasta.

Hey, I'm getting out of your chest, man.

I'm going to put pubes on your dick.

I have to take that one.

All right.

Lonesome sends in a number for a French restaurant where a gay-sounding Frenchman.

Don't they all sound gay?

Answer.

Let's give them a call.

I want to answer their signal a minute ago.

This show's gone to shit tonight, man.

I just, I'm drunk.

Rule of pick restaurant may I help you?

Yeah, so, uh, rule of pick French?

Hello?

Is this Rue Lepic, French?

Yes, Rue Lepic restaurant. May I help you?

Are you a France?

Yes.

What part of France do you come from?

Oh, actually, the Pomponza, like Lyon.

Lyon, Lyon, France?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome, man. That's cool.

So, do you ever take your shirt off?

Hello?

Yes.

Do you ever take your shirts off?

What do you mean?

Your shirt, do you ever, like, walk around with no shirt on, walk around, no shirt?

What kind of shirt?

You know how you wear a t-shirt or what are you wearing now?

What do you have on your chest that covers you?

Just a white shirt.

Do you ever take that off, that thing?

No, no.

When you get home, you don't take it off?

What are you talking about?

This is a restaurant.

Yeah, I know.

Why are you asking me such questions?

But when you're done with the restaurant, you take the shirt off?

Okay.

Well, come on, please.

I'm trying to be Herbert the pervert.

Herbert, you take your shirt off.

I'm taking your shirt off.

Hello?

You want to take your shirt off and be more comfortable while we're talking?

You can do that on the phone.

This is Rush on.

I have no time to talk with you like that.

I know, but if you want to take your shirt off while you're talking to me,

get more comfortable and take my order.

Milkman, take your shirt off, all right?

Milkman, when you swim in a pool, do you take your shirt off or do you keep it on?

Oh, no, man.

I take off my shirt.

I leave my shirt on.

You leave your shirt on?

Yeah, but I can't wear my boots.

Yeah, Chantilly is French, right?

Yeah.

Okay, what uniforms do you have on?

What was your next question?

Do you ever take your shirt off?

Sometimes, once in a while, yeah.

Oh, if you want to take your shirt off while we're talking on the phone, it would be more comfortable.

That's okay.

I'm rather abrupt.

I think we lost connection.

One of these guys has got to get mad.

That's really odd, man.

We lost connection rather abruptly.

It would be cool to call Bruno and tell him that.

Bruno, get all mad at me.

Aw, come on, man.

Oh, my.

I think we interrupted there, man.

He didn't want to take his shirt off, man, because he had his pants off.

Why am I calling French restaurants asking the guys to take their shirt off?

I don't know, but hey.

It seems like it's something they do on a regular basis.

Just me.

Just me talking out loud.

Hello, this is Tony.

I'm calling from Retallix customer point-of-sale support.

Is this the location in...

It is.

Okay, we're having a problem syncing up the system back over to your Retallix ISS-45.

Do you have store point POS or ISS-45?

I have no idea.

Do you have the Retallix system there then?

Yes, we do.

All right, it doesn't seem to be working right.

When was the last time that you had a purchase go through?

I don't know, a couple minutes ago.

All right, can we have you on the back of that?

there should be a serial number. Could you please

read that out to me? I'm not going to do

that. Why?

This is Sue. How can I help you?

Yes, I'm calling from Cumberland Farms

Technical Support for the Retallix system.

Okay. We're having problems

with syncing up to the Retallix

StorePoint POS system there at the

store that I'm calling. Okay.

When was the last time that you had a purchase

come through? A purchase?

That a customer went through the

purchasing system?

system um as far as i know very recently i i just got here so i'm not really sure well this is

going to be what do you need to just a sale per se right well can you read the there should be

a serial number on that could you please read that out to me sure thank you no worries on the

italics the one in the in the back yes okay hang on just got out of the freezer so i'm freezing

Oh, wow.

No, this is good.

Well, you should probably wear like a sweater or something or a jacket.

No, it's all good.

It's all good.

That's not good for you.

It makes your nipples hard.

Metallics.

Your nipples get hard.

Is that the big white box in the back?

Yes.

It's not the one AC 1300?

Possibly.

Is there a number on that?

Like a readout actual number?

Yes.

Does it have power cables going into it?

Any cables going into it?

Yeah, we got lots of cables.

Yeah, I'm sure that, yeah.

All right, so you just want a reading, babe?

Yes.

Okay, all right, because I have the 180, which is the backup computer.

Then I have the HyperEdge, the Verizon.

Yeah, go ahead and do this.

Can you disconnect the Verizon one for 10 seconds and then plug it back in, please?

Okay, all right, I can do that if I can find where.

All right, but it's hooked up to Bell Atlantic, so is that going to disconnect us?

No, it shouldn't, no.

All right, all right.

The black box on the Verizon?

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right, no worries.

Okay, and then plug it back in?

Wait about 10 seconds, plug it back in, yes.

Okay, all right.

We're counting, we're counting, we're counting.

What do you think, good?

That should be enough, yeah, that's good.

Any other power cables back there you can see connected to anything?

anything um well i mean what are you what are you specifically looking for i think we need to do a

master reboot of the whole system hopefully we can do one by one here and then okay um yeah because

usually they have me turn off the one ac the uh big yellow box okay that does all the codes um

but that will really screw us up right well i um well we'll try yeah try the um if the rise

someone doesn't work unfortunately we might have to actually do that we'll disconnect that for 10

seconds it should be a quick boot if you only do it for 10 seconds it should be a quick boot instead

of the master boot and it should come back up really fast okay well we disconnected that do

you want me to just turn it off yes okay hang on all right done deal okay all right now do you

know where your breakers are the main breakers for the building like where the power switches

are can you make sure none of them are tripped or do you will this phone get there or no no i'm

I'm good.

I'm right here.

It's all in the same room.

That's good.

We're all in the same closet.

Oh, excellent.

That's good.

Whatever 25 is, it's tripped.

I don't know what that is because it's not marked.

Do you see the biggest one that's there?

Yeah, the top one?

The main?

Yeah, go ahead.

Can you trip that for five seconds and then turn that back on?

Okay.

All righty.

You sure?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Easier said than done.

What is this going to do?

What is this going to do to me?

This hopefully should restart the T1 telephone line outside and get this problem resolved for us.

All right.

I just don't want it to shut off all my power.

No, no, no.

The backup generator will definitely pick up.

You're in a second power lead coming in.

I'd take care of the criticals.

All right.

Well, because I've got two main junctions, I'm wondering which one I should turn off.

Start with the first one.

The first one that you see there, if that one doesn't work,

I should be able to tell here pretty quickly on the computer.

There you go.

Right one.

she got it all right i'm the holy water mono she found the holy water she found the holy water

all right cool yeah all right well that's good now let's come on the farms that i'd be interested

to see if we can get anybody else to do that wow i should have had to do both of them uh

nothing wrong with that right doing that we're not going to be in any kind of trouble

Bookaboo says,

shut it all off and start a fire in the store.

Sit nearby the fire until someone passes by

and calls the insane asylum.

I like that.

I like the way...

You know, every Friday,

I go through the chat logs

to see what I missed in the chat room during the show.

It's hard for me to follow the chat,

to be honest with you.

I'm dialing numbers and checking sound levels

and playing the songs

and checking request to prank

and Lonesome and communicating with Milkman

on the back end chat room

we have a private chat room and Gort

we talk on Gort a lot

and everything so I don't follow

everything in the chat room but

on Fridays I look at the chat log

just to see what I missed, see what people liked

and what people didn't like and I must say

Bookapoo has some of the

most interesting chat

posts, I just want to say

Bookapoo you do pretty good in the chat room

you crack me up, I'll be the next

stand, I'll be sitting here cracking up

with something Bookaboo said. It's very funny.

Very good stuff.

He chipped me out

last week, didn't I?

I don't know him, but I like

him already. Bookaboo did

crack me up last week. I was looking at

the shit Bookaboo. I don't remember exactly what it

says, but it was funny. A bunch of sharp cookies

out there. That's why I gave him the gold star, man.

There you go. I'm out of gold stars, Milkman.

I'm sorry. I can't give

him out tonight, guys. Let's do another

Cumberland Farm, see if we can get him to shut down the store

again little doobie brothers instrumental beat i don't know the words of that song but i can sing

the shit out of it yes hello i'm calling from cumberland farms retallix customer support

regarding your pos store point pos system say that again i'm calling from retalix uh retallix

store next customer support for the store point pos system okay um what was we're having trouble

syncing up with the store point pos there is it currently turned on and active hello one of my

registers is acting out how long has that been happening before uh it started acting weird

probably around like six yeah the computer machine over here the master alarm went off

Apparently, several people have not had their charges go through,

that they've went through with debit cards,

and some cash transactions haven't even been registered correctly.

Did anybody report this before, or were you just going to let it go?

I don't understand.

Well, I've never seen this problem before.

I've worked here for almost four years,

and I've never seen that code come up on the screen.

Do you know, is the code still there?

Do you know what it says?

No, it's not there anymore.

and i rebooted the system thinking maybe that would help because sometimes i'm sorry i'm trying

to get this what was your name again uh rebecca rebecca code on just one of the registers just

one of the registers because the other one's functioning full it's fine all right and it

started around 6 p.m yeah today my manager said she's gonna put a work order in when she gets

comes in tomorrow but i don't know well yeah the the there's an automated system now in place and

And if it detects a critical error that's affecting company profits and it's critical to the store,

that it will actually let us know and it gets automatically generated.

This is a critical error that's going on with the machine.

Okay.

Do you have access to the back of that where the cables are going into it, the lines and all that?

I'm sure I could get to it.

I just have to move something.

Could you please see if we can get that restored?

If not, we might have to do a master reset of the system.

Like restart my whole entire system?

Yes.

I know I'm sorry but this needs to be done

It's not your fault it's just

I've had a bad day and it's just like

Oh you're telling me

I was talking to a location in Wilmington

And the person called me bad words

Oh well I would never call you bad words

I know you're just doing your job

Oh thanks girl

I don't know one would think people who work at a convenience store would understand that

That's bad

There's a cover on the back of the register

I can't open it

You can't open the cover you don't have access to it

Maybe I don't want to break it though

It shouldn't break.

Okay.

Do you know how to open it?

Yeah.

I'm going to put it here.

I'm giving you permission.

Hang on.

Let me write that here.

You're giving me permission to break it?

No, no, that you can open it so you're not liable.

I'm putting it in a ticket.

Well, I only have access to one plug.

The rest of the wires go underneath.

Okay.

Go ahead and disconnect that plug.

Do you have access?

Can you get to it?

Yeah, kind of.

All right.

Go ahead.

Please.

Thank you.

I don't know.

There's so many wires in there.

I can't even get my fingers in there.

I don't want to break something.

i can't get it out that's what she said i can't pull it out oh man um do you have access to where

the main breakers are the power yeah but i'm not sure which breakers which oh yeah i've got it it's

all documented here in the plan the floor plan i got it here and i just gotta i'm not really sure

that i have customers and all that i don't know oh you're by yourself yeah we're not a 24-hour

store we close at midnight oh we kind of got to get this fixed i don't yeah it should it would

would take less than less than a minute i can give you exact instructions what you need to do

we'll reset my whole thing won't it uh just it should just affect the one um machine that's

giving you trouble because i don't i don't know if everything's in the same well you're not lying

it's okay don't be afraid i know what i'm doing i've been working for the company for 15 years

so it's i know i just i'm really apprehensive well don't be i don't want to get fired for

doing something stupid no no no it's this is on ticket number 2 2 12 it's fine 22 12 you want

want to write that down my name is cross valente i don't want to write it down i just eh no we got

to get this fixed if not then it's going to be big trouble for everybody tomorrow yeah you have

a customer now or what's going on yeah i have customers in the store they're like grocery

shopping i don't know if it'll shut off the register that i'm using no no no it's not i i

assure you it's not going to shut off the register you're using i've got a map layout exactly which

ones are connected to which here from the floor plan it'll tell you exactly which ones to get

get reset it should just it won't even restart the system it's just going to restart the the

phone line box the what the phone line box it's it's under there you probably can't see that's

what i need you to restart but you don't you don't have some of the models you don't have access to

it it's i don't even know what it is yeah i know but i i know exactly which breaker it's connected

to i'll let you know which one it is it'll take maybe at the most it's going to take 30 seconds

well write this down you probably get written up but whatever

What was your name again?

Rebecca?

Yeah.

Rebecca refuses to cooperate.

I just don't want to get in trouble for doing something that I don't know what I'm doing.

I understand that you're doing your business.

You're probably going to get in trouble for this, Rebecca.

No, I'm not saying you're going to get in trouble.

I just don't want to get in trouble.

I want to talk to my manager before I do anything.

Oh, yeah.

If this doesn't get taken care of tonight, you're probably going to get in trouble for not taking care of this tonight.

Rebecca is not cooperating.

Well, I called the help desk that's on the register, and nobody answered.

I understand, because it's after hours.

I'm calling from after hours, actually.

I'm calling from the Network Outage Center.

Well, that's fine if you don't want to cooperate.

Well, I'll do it.

It's just I don't, I don't know.

I'm just worried that it's going to turn off one functional register.

The register will not go down, I assure you.

I'm sorry.

I'm being a pain in the ass.

You've already had one so many times.

No, it's okay.

We've had several stores having this problem today.

There's a bug in the system.

system yeah well do you need me to call you back when the customer is gone um no yeah that'd

probably be better all right i'm gonna call you back all right in a few minutes thank you i'm

sorry thank you bye bye i feel bad she's doing the right thing milkman you know she's trying

she's not supposed to do this this thing i'm trying to get her to do smart girl very smart

good for her got more control than i would got a different one here to call enigma 420 she sounds

Sounds like she needs a big cock in that ass.

Cumberland Farms, Michael speaking.

Yes, hi, Michael.

This is Cross.

I'm calling from Retallix Customer Support for the call center with the help desk.

Are you having any trouble with any of the StorePoint PLS today?

I don't know.

I haven't been told anything.

Have any error codes come up?

Because we're not getting any transmissions back,

and none of your transactions have been going through for the last hour.

They haven't gotten any error codes coming up.

Has there been any trouble with transactions?

Anything not working there at all?

Nope.

I don't understand.

Nobody called from over there reporting a problem?

What?

Nobody called.

I'm sorry, the printer's going on in the background

because we're getting a serious problem with this.

So the critical error is coming from your location.

Huh.

Well, I just started my shift about an hour ago

and nothing's been gotten any problems yet

and I wasn't told about anyone having any problems.

When was the last time you had a purchase go through

or a POS transaction?

So about seven minutes ago?

Yeah.

All right.

Do you know where the back of that is, the cables?

It should be maybe a Verizon line or a Sprint line, something like that.

Do you know where that is?

Can you look at the back of that computer?

I don't know where it is even.

I'm really not told anything.

I'm sorry.

I'm just the third shift guy.

You don't know where the point of sale, where you make the purchase,

the check the customers out is?

Hold on.

I can't really hear what you're saying.

Do you know where you check the customers out, where you do the transactions for payments?

On the back of that, you should have some cables going into that.

It should be a serial number.

I can't get to the back of it.

You don't have access to it?

there's a shelf in the way oh how we're

supposed to fix this and if you can't do that what are we what are we supposed to do huh i

had a problem with it yeah none of these transactions are going through every single

transaction is going through isn't going to record is people aren't paying for it it's telling you

approved but it's not going through the computer they're not they're basically any debit card

credit cards are not being charged and anybody that pays at the pump it's not going it's telling

letting them go but we're not getting the money for it you want me to give you my manager because

well we tried to call the who's the manager that you have there just we'll check on my computer

here see if it's the same person i got um rebecca yeah rebecca i spoke to her earlier and i couldn't

get i couldn't get through to anybody of rebecca's number when i tried to call oh boy this is bad

this is very bad do you have access to where the breakers are at all we can restart the one box i

I can tell you exactly which breaker it is.

I don't know where.

I know that I was told.

I'm just not sure where they'd be.

You don't have a, can you locate, there's either a closet or a back room or the employee area?

I'm not able to leave the main store room right now.

There's customers in here.

How many customers are there?

Like five.

Can you just, none of these can go through until we get the system rebooted.

You can't let any customers check out unless they're paying cash.

So should I go down the...

I'm not sure what to really do here because I'm the only person on.

Can you ask if they're all paying with cash?

I can't get to them.

They're not listening.

All right, then just shut down the whole thing.

Okay.

He just said, fuck it.

I think he just quit.

No, I think he just walked off his job, Milkman.

You heard him?

He's like, ah, fuck it.

I'm going to quit.

they're like screw this this job sucks i remember when i first started doing madhouse i needed some

extra money i wasn't making a lot of money back then and i picked up this part-time job after

work i was crazy i was out of my mind because i was like i was working a full-time job from like

7 30 in the morning until like five right and then i was going to school part-time half-time

i had two classes and then i was doing madhouse on thursday nights and then on top of that i was

i picked up a part-time job at kmart or basically it was a sweet deal but i only did it for like

two months because it was i ended up like this is fucking for a little bit of money i'm making

it's not worth all the aggravation and it was kind of cool because i would get off my my regular job

at five and i would drive to the kmart that was like 10 minutes away i was stopping the gas station

shit on the way and i buy like a i would buy uh about two 32 ounce beers and i would drink one

i would drink one in the parking lot and about half of another one and i start my shift i was

pretty lit i'd be pretty drunk and they basically told me all right carlito all you're gonna do

you're the night shift guy all you do you're you're in charge of watching the electronics

department so whenever some some kid wants a video game you come and you unlock and you

You give them the video game and you go, right?

Or, you know, every once in a while you might sell a portable DVD player

or you might sell a radio or something that's locked up.

Other than that, all you got to do, you start,

they would have me start in the back of the store, the back corner,

where the fucking, the fishing stuff was and the sporting goods were.

And, like, you just straighten everything out.

You start one end of the store and go from one end to the other.

So I would start out in sporting goods, like the boating.

the very end was like boating and camping gear and shit and you just start from there and you

straighten up everything and you you go with a cart and you so basically here's what i would do

i would be drunk i'd be pretty drunk man and no one would bother me for like the usually for like

the first two hours of the shift i didn't have to deal with any customers because this fucking

kmart no one goes to fucking kmart no one fucking bothers going in that fucking store let alone like

the sporting goods section at the very back end corner of it so i what i would do here's what i

would do i would be drunk and i'll grab a shopping cart and i would go all the way to the end of the

store and on the way in the sporting goods section they had these radios that were like wind up

radios like for in case there was a storm uh so if the power was out it had a crank on it and you

could wind it up and it played uh and it was like an fm radio right so i would get one of those

and i would wind it up they sold them there were products that they sold but if you wanted to test

it out it was made so you could the package is made so you could test it out you know so wow

look it works so i would wind one of these up and i will put it in the grocery cart and i'd be

listening to me i'd be listening to talk radio um i'd be listening to the real radio talk station

station in orlando and i'll be drunk and i would just go through and strain out stuff and if i

found something that belonged in another department it wasn't in the aisle that it was supposed to be

in i would throw in the cart and i would start from one of the store make it all the way in i

would rarely every once in a while they call me and say yeah we got a customer who needs a piece

of furniture and i was like oh fuck i gotta work i go to the furniture section it's usually some

some stupid puerto rican like yeah what the i want the fucking that's all puerto rican's up

buying furniture at kmart because it's cheap and they're like yeah i want the uh desk you know i

have to go to the back find the desk and put it in a cart and bring it up and they would say oh

can you bring it to the front and help me put it in the car and you know sometimes it'd be big

pieces of furniture like sometimes it'd be like these kitchen sets it'd be like uh not kids it'd

be like dining room sets like a big dining table and four chairs you know so i had to load all this

heavy ass like four or five boxes i had to find them because they didn't put it all in one box

like it would be like the table was in one box and you had to match it up with box a b c and d

and all this shit i had this flat panel cart and i'd be like all right i gotta take it all the way

to the front wait for them to pay and then you know i'll be like all right i'll wait for you

from the store no problem man you know they get to the front of the store and they show up in a

a fucking honda civic and they got like they got a fucking speakers in the back trunk there's no

how do you think i'm gonna fit a five fucking boxes of furniture and a fucking two-door honda

civic coupe that pissed me off man so a lot of times what i would do i would i was just i would

go back there and say no we don't we're out of stock that's what i'd say out of stock bicycles

Bicycles were cool.

Bicycles were easy.

Those were easy to move around and shit.

I didn't mind doing a bicycle carry out, but when I can't, you know, and like some of the

furniture wasn't bad, like desks and bookshelf bookcases weren't, aren't bad.

Um, the chairs weren't too bad, like office chairs weren't bad, but when they start getting

into dining tables and shit, I was like, ah, file, you know, the TV, the, uh, entertainment

centers and shit for the TV.

I, oh no, no, we don't have those.

We're out.

i go back there and i disappear for like 15 minutes i'd hide and yeah so that was a cool

job but it wasn't like i got my first one or two paychecks and it's like 80 bucks oh my god fuck

like i'm losing my nights like i instead of going straight home from work i gotta come to

fucking kmart until 10 o'clock at night walking around all fucking day this is for 80 bucks

nah no thanks i just quit got tired of it and quit it was fun while it lasted that was kind

kind of cool you know walking around listening to talk radio and dealing with that it was cool

and you know get a lunch break and in the cane mart there was a the plaza had a burger king in

it so i would get a 15 minute break so i would uh walk to the burger king and get something to eat

real quick and then sometimes i'll go to my car and i'd smoke some weed and come back it was fun

man you there still there milkman i'm just talking i'm a good time what time is it ken's

calling in can't call back i missed your call i'm sorry there we go hey big ken hey big ken

hello hi hi sounds like a lot of pain in that story there carlito yeah it was fun it was fun

you know i just i didn't like taking out the fucking furniture it was a bunch of bullshit

oh that dude that reminds me exactly when i worked at best buy and people come by these

big ass tvs and they're like yeah i'm putting it in here i'm like what the fuck is this she's like

I was like, how the fuck are you going to get this fuck right here?

Yeah, they show up in these little ass bitch cars, and the cars are full of trash, and

they have fucking subwoofers in the back, and they have fucking bass systems and shit.

Like, I can't fucking, how are you going to fit this shit?

Like, oh, we can just tie it, right?

We can just tie the hood.

Like, whatever, man.

Go ahead and tie all the shit you want.

Here, here's a fucking rope.

Go nuts.

I'm going inside.

I'm going to go listen to more radio.

you my job is to bring this shit out here you worry about getting it old oh my god you know

what else drove me nuts they told me like they got mad at me because i um i would put they told

me you gotta um you gotta make sure you gotta make sure that the tv is always playing a movie

you know the tvs you had there was a special dvd that you had to put in and i had to keep playing

and usually it was it was all right the dvd it was just this dvd that um had um like commercials

you know kmart you know this is on sale and here's a music video from tony stewart i don't know you

know whatever it's just you know demos and stuff and that was cool but then then that movie that

fucking movie man that fucking movie high school musical came out and they're like y'all you gotta

you gotta keep playing high school musical 24 7 all the time don't know what you know and i'm like

oh fuck that movie i saw that movie just working there and having to walk around the electronic

section in bits and pieces i saw that whole movie like a thousand times never all the way through

but i could tell you everything that happened the fucking move i could tell you some kid grew up and

he moved to a new town but he saw the girl in the summer and then they went to high school and they

They played basketball, and there was some fat girl who liked to dance.

And the basketball team played, and they almost lost.

And the kid was going to quit, and the girlfriend broke up.

Ah, Jesus Christ, that fucking high school musical shit.

You wanted to break that fucking disc in half, didn't you?

Well, I threw it away.

I acted like I got lost.

And then I put Star Wars, I put Phantom Menace in there instead.

There was a loose, some kid tried, I caught some kid shoplifting, trying to shop.

I used to catch kids shoplifting all the time.

And I usually, I let them go.

I, to be honest with you, I was actually kind of cool.

Like, I would catch kids choplifting, and instead I was supposed to tell the dude, the security guy, the loss prevention guy.

Loss prevention.

Yeah, loss prevention.

But to be cool, I was always like, I was like, hey, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Like, oh, I'm not doing anything.

Like, get the fuck out of here, man.

You know, that's what I usually would do.

You know, but this one, this kid was trying to steal the Star Wars Phantom Menace.

i remember i caught him like i've seen this i've seen the kid right he starts off and he's he's in

the fucking office like the stationary section and shit and where he doesn't belong well he yeah

he grabs a pair of scissors oh that's kind of weird you know then i see him and he's looking

at the movies and shit and he and then i'm like i'm looking that kid took the star wars movie

movie and then you know sure enough when i when i hit the i start walking and i hit the toy section

and he's over there cutting up the fucking he's using the scissors to cut into the fucking dvd

case and shit and i caught him like what the fuck what what what are you doing he's like

i was like if you're gonna i i didn't tell him but i felt like telling if you're gonna shoplift

something don't shoplift this fucking cock shit movie you know i mean it's like god damn it what

Get a real, like, here.

I should have grabbed, like, Return of the Jedi or, like, Empire Strikes Back.

Here, take this shit.

You're just a fag.

Get the fuck out of here.

Watch a real movie.

Why don't you just fucking hang out around here for a little while,

and we'll fucking play it on the screen for you.

Basically, yeah.

I remember once, yeah, I'd catch people shoplifting.

The toy section in Kmart, shoplifting all the time, man.

All the time I go in there, I see broken packages, fucking Transformers,

shit's all broken up.

How long have I been talking about Kmart?

Wow, haven't I?

Wow.

Anyway.

$11.56.

Let's see what we got.

We got a lot of Greek restaurants here.

Give me just a second.

I got to take a piss.

Got to pee.

You need to also call Zappos back.

See if they changed that joke of the day.

Oh, hey, man.

Yeah, we should listen to the joke of the day, right?

And then complain about the new joke of the day.

Here's a prank.

I don't even know what it means.

It says Tangier Ranch.

I have no idea what it's about.

Let's listen to it.

I'll be right back.

Hey, good.

Hey, how many house Negroes do you guys have there?

House negroes or field negroes?

Do you guys carry house negroes or field negroes over there?

Which one?

What's that?

Which ones do you have, the house negroes or the field negroes?

House.

You have house?

What dressing?

That's all?

You got blue cheese or anything?

Do you have a house brand?

No.

No?

Is it which kind?

Is it fresh made or is it like you have in little tubs?

Already made.

Is it Ken's?

Yeah.

Ken's brand?

Yeah, it's my fucking.

Can you go get it real quick?

Hey, wait.

Hey, listen.

Huh?

Hey, listen, bring it back because I need to know about the gluten content and stuff like that.

I'm gluten sensitive.

All right, hurry up.

Don't fuck around with this, man.

It's serious.

It's serious business.

Also got numbers here.

Let's see for Jackass Cafe and Convenience Store, which is going to be the next one that I call.

So if you have any ideas for that, please call Jackass, which is a cafe and a convenience store.

Send them on down right now to me.

If you're on AOL or Yahoo Messenger, you can message me.

My screen name is Madhouse Radio.

Send me a message on Twitter, twitter.com.

My name there, I am at Madhouse.

Madhouse on Twitter.

No radio, that one.

Someone else took it.

KDK took it.

What's that gluten?

Is there a H-C-F-L?

C-F-L?

High fructose corn syrup.

H-C-F-L.

Is it like a big container you're holding, or what do you got?

Yeah, it's a gallon container.

Open it up real quick.

Yeah, open it up real quick.

Can you smell?

I mean, do you smell, is it sweet, or just taste it?

Just put your finger in, you're like, I don't know, you can't put your finger in it, right?

Yeah, I know.

Well, you got a spoon?

No, it smells sweet.

Well, but taste it, you got to taste it, though.

Like, I don't know, seriously, because if I put that on my salad, if it's, you know, has gluten in it, I'm in big trouble.

Like, I'd kill me.

On your what?

On my salad.

Oh, salad, no, no, I'm sorry, we don't have salad.

So where are they going to put this on?

We usually get this for, like, onion rings.

Uh-huh, onion rings?

Yeah.

Are they breaded?

Chicken strips, are they breaded, too?

Yeah, the chicken strips are breaded.

But the onion rings are breaded also, then.

The onion rings are breaded also.

What else you got that's fried?

Burritos, deep-fried burrito, like a bean and a beef burrito.

You fry it?

Yeah.

You dip that in the dressing, though, right?

You can.

It tastes that dressing real good.

Just tell me if it's sweet or not, because if not, then it's not going to work out.

It said that you guys were gluten-friendly at glutenmenus.com.

It had a review, and it said that you guys were gluten-friendly.

so but yeah but i mean i don't know if it's the it said that the that to check the dressing that

they weren't sure it said not unsure like it has uncomplete on the form yeah i'm sure i mean

could you just taste it real quick for me yeah i tasted it it doesn't really taste sweet no you

did did you taste it come on man like dude let me hear it i want to make sure that you're you know

no i did i grabbed this spoon right here and put it in your mouth like you know like i'm gonna hear

Yeah, it just tastes like...

Yeah?

To me, it tastes tangy.

Salty?

Yeah.

Like protein in your mouth?

You like it?

Do that to you?

Huh?

I do that to you?

Because I've been here touching it.

I've been here touching it and making you eat that,

so I think it's like sperm, like my sperm.

Did you want to order anything or what?

No, because I was touching myself.

And I pretend, like, I wanted you to do it so you could pretend it's like, you know.

I beat in your mouth.

Beat.

All right.

Beat.

Anything else?

Beat.

I do it in your mouth.

I'm like, beat.

Have a good night.

The sound a man makes when he comes

That's what I do when I do

When I get off I go

It's fun to do that

Adds a little bit to it

Well we're back

I guess we'll do pranks

I've been talking about Kmart for the longest time

Here we go

Hey Ken

Ken you wanna do a prank call man

I'm feeling weird

I've had too much to drink

And I'm just in a weird mood

My jaw hurts for some reason

I don't know if I got that tension

Tension jaw syndrome or something

I don't know

Uh yeah give me just uh

Give me just a minute

I gotta run and grab another beer

Fuck the beer

I've got to make them run.

I'm running dry.

Hurry up.

I've got to call Cumberland Farms.

See, the first one that we talked to that I had them shut off, let me see if they've recovered.

Yeah, tell her she hit the wrong one.

She needs to hit the other one.

All right.

Good point.

Thanks, Ken.

Thank you for calling Cumberland Farms.

Sue speaking.

How may I help you?

Yes, this is Cross.

I'm calling from the point of sale support.

Mm-hmm.

Did that resolve the issue you were having?

Well, nobody seems to know that you called.

And you're calling from POS?

Yes.

Okay.

Because I don't know that it resolved any issues.

It just created me problems.

What happened exactly?

What were you trying to solve?

Well, the point-of-sale system isn't registering back.

It's not transmitting back to us here, unfortunately.

Were you getting any error codes at all while it was restarting?

Did anything come up?

Did you document them at all?

I can write them down.

No.

There were no problems.

What happened?

You guys didn't have any POS problems, right?

There were no problems.

All right, so what occurred when you were restarting the system?

Did it come back up?

Yeah, it was fine.

Hang on.

System came back up normal, and no issues reported by the user.

All right, and you said it created problems, or what happened exactly?

The computer?

Well, the power went out by the gas pump.

Oh, goodness.

Wow.

Were there customers pumping at the time?

Yeah.

Let me write that.

Customers, pumping, gas, fuel, and power.

Power went out completely.

Yeah, the lights went out.

The power went out momentarily.

And then it just came back on with the emergency backup system.

Let me write that down.

Emergency.

And what's your name?

Backup system.

Hang on.

Emergency backup system came up.

My name is Cross.

Okay.

And I'm from the Internet.

Okay, because we didn't have any problems, so I don't know.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't have any problems registered here.

We were just trying to get you to see if we could restart the system

and see if that will work or not.

Okay.

All right.

Everything's working normally now, though?

There's no problems?

Were there any customers upset or anything like that?

No, we're fine.

As far as I know, we were fine before you called.

You're going to write that down.

What was your name?

Sue.

Sue was not cooperating.

Sue was upset about the situation.

No, I'm cooperating.

I did everything you asked me to do.

Sue is rude, disrespect, disrespectful.

All right, I got you down here with my comments on how you're treating me about this.

It looks like obviously you pushed the wrong button there and you restarted the whole system.

I didn't tell you to do that.

You were telling me there were two there, that there were two, and I told you to hit the right one.

And obviously you took me literally for my word and you hit the right one and it turned off the whole system.

The whole power went out.

No, the power came right back on, but...

Put that down.

Sue did not follow instructions and turned off all the power to the store.

All right, I got my report here.

I'll be filing this tomorrow, okay?

All righty.

Bye.

Good night.

Have a good night.

Thank you.

All right, I'm just curious to see what happened.

See if she got into any shit.

Apparently, the customers got into some shit.

You need to call the one guy back and make sure he closed that fucking store down, too.

Yeah, the guy that said, fuck it, right?

Like, he was like, oh, fuck it.

I think you've

loaded up the

fucking slurpy

machine in this

car and just

fucking loaded

up and left.

If I can remember

which one that

was, that was

this one here.

Let's call there.

This lady, she

was kind of upset

wasn't she?

She was like,

you guys are

a problem.

Well, she was

already having a

bad day.

She just

fucking

light split

it off.

I made her

shut the

power off.

Cameron

Barnes.

Yes, hello.

Hi.

I think we

were just

speaking before.

Becca.

Yes, Rebecca,

yes.

We needed you

to restart the

the master computer system?

Yes.

Could I just ask your name?

I called my manager, and she told me to just get a name down

so that she can confirm with her boss.

Sure, sure.

It's Cross Valente.

Can you spell that for me?

C-R-O-S-S.

C-O-R-S-S?

R-O-S-S.

Last name is Valente, V-A-L-E-N-T-E.

Thank you.

Okay, so what do I need to do?

Do you have access to where those breakers are?

Yes.

If you can go there, tell me if any of them are labeled.

Some of them.

All right.

Do you see the largest one that's there?

The big breaker on top?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Do you have just one or two?

One.

All right.

And I know that shuts down the whole store and turns it back on.

Well, the critical systems stay on.

There's a backup generator that keeps the critical systems on,

but what this does, it's going to restart the T1 phone line that comes into the store.

I thought we didn't have a generator.

You do.

All the stores have generators that were upgraded.

Well, I know this store is one of the older stores.

No, no, they all, I think, within July 22nd of this year,

your store was upgraded to a backup diesel generator,

and it's already been activated in preparation for this.

Well, where is it supposed to be?

Is it supposed to be, like, on the roof?

It is on the roof, yes.

All right, because I don't see it in the back.

No, no, it's on the roof to prevent it from being vandalized.

Listen, see, we have problems with some of those stores getting vandalized.

People are breaking in to get copper out of it.

I think so.

Yeah.

So, anyway, what you need to do is you need to trip that for about five to ten seconds.

It'll probably cut off the phone, won't it?

No, the critical systems, the phone line, the gas pumps, and the majority of the lights will stay on.

We don't have gas pumps.

Okay, perfect.

That's good.

It won't be an issue.

And we're closed now, so nobody's in here.

Oh, excellent.

All right, go ahead and turn off the breaker then.

five to ten seconds okay there you go rebecca are you there rebecca you bitch rebecca did the wrong

thing that

That was the wrong Price is Right thing

But anyway

Rebecca hit the wrong thing

That sucks they don't have any gas pumps

What kind of Cumberland Farms is that

It's one of those boring Cumberland Farms

With no gas stations

If they don't have gas I'll find them

That's just pretty much called a fucking liquor store or something

Yeah there you go

Hey you know what here's something

Ken I don't know where you live

You don't have to say

but i was in you know a few months a few weeks ago my uh my wife and i we decided i didn't even

talk about this on the air we went to the jersey shore uh the one where they right where they filmed

the fucking jersey shore tv show we're at that beach whatever it's called we spent we spent a

saturday and sunday there fourth of july weekend and we went there um and on the way back we stopped

to buy gas in jersey and i got out of the car with my debit card you know and i went to put

in the machine and the guy came out i was like oh you can't do that i'm like why not he goes yeah

you're not from here are you and he looks at my car and my car still has florida plates on it's

like oh you're from florida like well pennsylvania but yeah florida sure whatever you know he's like

yeah um yeah you state new jersey you know it's it's a law you can't pump your own gas i'm like

I'm like, are you kidding me?

He's like, yeah.

You can't pump your own gas in New Jersey?

Like, it's a law.

Like, no one is, unless you have a motorcycle, he told me.

You're not allowed to pump your own gas in your car.

What the fuck's up with that?

I've never heard of any wacky shit like that.

I live in Michigan.

I've never fucking heard of that.

Yeah, this guy told me that.

He's like, entire state of New Jersey.

I thought I would have heard about that in the past.

He's like, New Jersey, and he says some other state.

I think it was Vermont.

I thought he was going to say something about, like, you couldn't use your car to hit the pump or something.

I'm sure you had to come inside.

I've never heard, hey, you can't pump your own gas into your own fucking car.

Yeah, at first I thought that's what it was.

I thought it was like, oh, no, the card system is down or, you know, you got to pay inside or whatever.

He's like, no, no, you can't pump your own gas.

He's like, unless you have a motorcycle, you can't pump gas.

I'm like, okay, sure.

All of a sudden here comes Ronnie from fucking Jersey Shore out to pump your gas and shit.

Forget it.

We were there for the last day of filming of that show.

we didn't see him out there but my wife and her girlfriend decided to stand vigil out there it

was like 50 there was like good 30 people it's so stupid like we all we went out and then like it

was us and a couple that's friend of ours and they have a kid and we're splitting a hotel room

and you know the girls were like oh we want to go on party tonight you know so we're like the guys

is me and the guy we're like all right we're gonna stay we'll stay and we're gonna watch ufc

and you know from the hotel we watched it on my laptop and i brought the laptop and i got the

pirate stream and we're all right watch ufc watch the kid and you two girls go out get drunk whatever

on the strip on the on the boardwalk the shore or whatever and all they did they got drunk and then

they went to the fucking jersey shore across the street from the jersey shore house it was like 30

people and they they stood there waiting for like ronnie and snooki to come outside or something to

make an appearance like it's the fucking pope i'm like i'm like i think that's how everybody does

when they go to the boardwalk out there get drunk and stand out there doing retarded shit oh my god

i was like are you serious you spent your fucking time you could have gone to all these places like

oh yeah we they went to all the different bars that they go to on the show and they got they

had a drink at each one and then went to stand a fucking the fucking mtv jersey shore house to

to sit there and wait for Ronnie to come out like he's the fucking pope,

or the situation to come out, or something.

Get some balls, go out there and knock on the door.

Well, they have security there outside and all that,

but I'm like, you've got to be, what a fucking waste of fucking life,

what a waste of time.

And they weren't the only ones.

And they got, like, my wife got mad at me,

because, like, during the day, they were like,

oh, we've got to stop there, we've got to stop and look,

we've got to stop and look.

But we go, you know, we stop there during the day and stuff,

and there's a whole group of people there taking pictures of the house

and all this shit.

And I started saying

Oh my god

I'm so emotional

And everyone was like

Why?

And I'm like

Because we finally got to come

To see the Jersey Shore house

And

This one guy

I was like

Oh this guy's funny

You know

My wife was like

You're such an asshole Carlos

You're such a dick

You're on the fucking couch

For a week man

You're such a dick

I'm like serious

There's like

A whole bunch of people

Out there taking

Like it's the fucking

Vatican

Did you finally go over

And blow some smoke

In your cat's face

To show him who the fuck bought

I don't know where he went

I don't know what he did.

I'm going to find him.

I don't know.

I think he's sitting by the door.

I can't see him from this angle.

He's waiting for me to open the door for him.

In the chatroom going nuts because we're not calling the UK.

Yeah.

Enigma says, JWoww is hot.

JWoww has some nice tits, man.

You saw old What's-Her-Face nookie setup.

You know, yeah, I saw that.

I don't like people making fun of...

What's even better is...

I don't like people making fun of...

What's even better is...

Ah, sorry.

What's even better is they have their own show and shit.

And they're sitting there,

Oh, next show we're going to find out if it's a boy or a girl.

and it's already been out in magazines.

I'm like, way to fucking ruin that.

Nice spoiler alert there.

Is that show on right now?

That show's not on right now, is it?

Oh, Snooki and J-Wall got their own fucking show.

Oh, yeah.

I don't let people give a shit to her.

She doesn't seem that...

She gets a real bad rap.

Yeah, I don't know if on that show

she's just playing a fucking role

or if she's actually that dumb.

Pretty crazy.

Yeah, anyway.

So let's do some pranks, man.

I'm just swallowing in shit.

Shit, Kostas Opa Greek Restaurant.

Here we go.

I feel like shit.

I really feel like shit right now.

Yeah, Zappos is next.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got to find the number, but yeah, Zappos is next.

It's the WP.

Grace's, Zappos, and their joke of the day.

Samantha confirms, New Jersey and Oregon.

Kostas, look, I can help you.

Yes, hi.

This is Kostas Opa Greek Restaurant.

Yes.

Oh, good.

I'd like to make an order for food, please.

Our kitchen is actually already closed tonight.

When are they open?

Tomorrow morning.

In the morning?

Are you giving me some prices?

Sure.

I would like the price for Pustis and Malacca.

That's very funny.

Have you ordered that fucking food yet, Carlos?

Yeah, I want the price for Pustis and Malacca food.

That's some good shit right there.

Yeah.

Milkman, you've been quiet for like 30 minutes.

Where's Milkman?

Milkman!

I'm calling back.

Son of a bitch.

We got some UK numbers.

We got UK numbers.

All right, fucker.

Give me some Indian numbers, too.

Indians.

Hey, Malaka.

I was, you weren't talking, so I hung up and called you back.

Oh, okay.

No, I've been cooking, man, and I was listening on the side.

Yeah, I just finished cooking.

Are you on the air still?

Oh, my God.

I've usually been cooking for like two hours.

I've been cooking since we started the show.

I told you, this is a major, a major deal.

God.

Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving dinner over there, man.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit.

Hi, Carlito.

Hey, Mama Milk.

Milk Mom, hey.

Hey, this is Michelle.

Yes, hi, I'd like to make an order for Greek food.

I'm sorry, hello?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay.

All right, how many do you have there of these dogs, the schnauzers?

What?

The miniature schnauzers.

I have nothing of that kind, and our kitchen is closed.

Thank you.

When is the kitchen open again?

Oh, I was completely wrong.

No, no, no.

You're not welcome.

I called the wrong number.

I called the last lady back again.

Whoops.

She was ready to offer up something, so she heard you on there.

Oh, no.

It's closed.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Racist.

That's Ted.

That's Ken.

Sounds like Ted.

You know, he gets that a lot.

Ken, you should just say your name.

Yes.

Hi.

Is this Diane?

Yes, it is.

Hi, Diane.

This is Cross.

I'm interested in purchasing some of your miniature Schnauzers that you have for sale.

How many do you have?

still right now i have three you have three and they go for 200 each yes would you be i got two

girls and a boy okay uh would you be willing to sell the three for 550 oh where are you from

well i'm i'm from uh birmingham is that near hamilton at all i'm not familiar with hamilton

no it's pretty good little piece from hamilton okay and these are good dogs they behave well

Oh, yeah. These are just puppies.

Oh, that's good.

And how long until they're full of size where they can run around and we can chase them?

Oh, about a year.

Well, no, they don't get full of size until they're about a year old.

All right. Well, I'm still in training now.

So I think in about a year or two, I'd be ready to start practicing with the Schnauzers.

Okay.

Right now, I'm sticking mostly to rabbits and squirrels.

but i will like to practice with schnauzers because they're the the hardest to catch okay

these are miniature schnauzers correct idiot on the phone i'm not an idiot hey cunt you should

have told her you want to start dog fighting customer you have called is unavailable to take

your uh that's how i was gonna hunt the schnauzers make a message there's a beat stupid oh that's a

nice fucking message to jack customer you have lick my ass after the beep that customer you have

called is unavailable to take your call please leave a message i don't get it dirty errands here

hey ken i'm playing you in the in the next week right are we getting first yeah me and you week

one whoa man a bullshit trade for stafford and you want to take nope why would i want to trade

my first pig leave a message yeah yeah after the beep i got a lot of lines are there path oriented

and a team.

Who did you even offer him?

I was like, I didn't even know.

I tried to give you Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger, Ben Roethlisberger, Big Ben for, yeah, Matt Stafford, yeah.

Well, see, tonight I picked up Detroit's defense.

They had fucking like two or three interceptions

and a fucking touchdown tonight.

Need to carry that over to next week, though.

I don't know, man.

That's preseason, though.

You never know.

Yeah, they're playing against guys right now

that'll be back in groceries next week.

Yeah, playing against third stringers or worse, man.

How's Dirty Aaron doing?

Dirty.

How's Dirty already going?

I mean, Aaron.

Brent Westwood is not answering.

All right, cool.

All right, well, nothing with the Schnauzers, unfortunately.

That didn't go anywhere.

We got a lot of numbers here from Lonesome Loser.

We're about to get to here and start knocking things out.

About 30 minutes left of show or less.

Yeah, but first we bring you Zappos.

Yes, thank you for reminding me.

Let me find that Zappos number.

They're fucking racist jokes of the day.

Let's find Zappos.

what's the ones that have the uh number that went we care about you oh shocks and it sounded like

oh shit yeah that was the pizza place last week that's what it was i agree they sound like they

said oh shit yeah it's like oh shit d12 m&m hello d12 m&m hey it's enigma enigma 420 hi

hey what's going on good oh shit ig69 just got online oh shit everybody prepare to giggle

Prepare for giggles.

All right, Zappos, let's see what the joke of the day is today.

How am I supposed to call in every day for this joke of the day?

I guarantee you it's some racist shit.

Option five, right?

If I remember correctly.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Carrie.

Hi, this is Tyler, and I'm a member of the ZCLT stat team,

and I'm here with your joke of the day.

So two muffins are sitting in an oven.

Oh, my God.

And one muffin says to the other,

Boy, it's sure hot in here.

And the other muffin says,

that was wildly inappropriate thank you for allowing us to put a little zappos in your day

i'm perry and i'm a member of disease thank you for holding for quality assurance this call may

be monitored or recorded zappos thank you for calling zappos this is tiffany how can i help

you hey big tiffany is uh tyler there um i'm not sure who tyler is but i'd be more than happy to

help you well no i need to speak specifically with tyler he's the person that leaves the joke

of the day on the computer phone and transfer you to the joke of the day line well this is the same

joke of the day that was last week i'm not sure who tyler is but i can definitely transfer you

to the joke of the day i told you already i already heard the joke of the day and it's the

same goddamn joke that was yesterday um okay well i'm really sorry but i don't know who tyler is

we want you to tell a joke right now yeah because tyler's a fucking liar do you know any jokes

it's not joke of the day it's joke of the week or even worse joke of the month

We're not playing any fucking games here.

No.

Can you tell a joke or not?

No.

I have a joke.

One time, there was this shitty shoe store that went on the internet.

It's called Zappos.

And then this, what was your name?

Miss Tiffany.

Big Tiffany.

And then Tiffany took a shit with the shoes on, and the shit got in the shoes, and then

she tried to return it.

And the company was so stupid, they accepted it.

And then it got in her mouth.

write that down and put the suggestion at the email tyler at zappos.com

okay i will do that do you have outlook explorer do what do you have outlook there i don't know

what you're saying but i'm gonna go ahead and disconnect no no no you're not allowed to

disconnect the call i don't give you permission yeah i am no don't do it no

i guess they're allowed to hang up the phone oh look at that shit joke of the day it's

It's fucking been a week.

I don't care if it's racist or not.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

What is Zappos?

Look it up.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

I command you to tell me.

No.

Thank you for choosing Zappos.

This is Christina.

How can I help you?

Yes, what is the joke of the day?

I'm so sorry?

Yes, the joke of the day.

What's that about?

The joke of the day.

I don't know what the joke of the day is,

but I can definitely transfer you over to it if you'd like to hear it.

It's been the same joke the last five, seven days that I've been calling.

Well, that's no fun.

We should find you a different joke.

Will you tell me a joke?

I will.

Let me find one because me and jokes don't really go that well together.

Oh, what's up?

Do you like to party?

Let's see.

Do you have a list of jokes?

I can tell you that my coworker is currently shooting Nerf guns

in my general direction.

you see he's shitting he's in the toilet

he's shitting okay so why does the little mermaid wear seashells oh because her tits

gotta get covered up you gotta cover her breasts from coming out and people see your breasts

yeah because she's too big for b shells ah that's pretty good

I got a joke.

You want to hear mine?

Sure.

Yeah, you ready?

Okay, so the stupid woman answered the phone.

It sounded like she had shit in her mouth,

and she told us a stupid joke

because she has shit in her shoes,

and she sells shitty shoes.

Do you know her?

Did you hear that one?

No, I haven't.

How big of a shell do you wear, bitch?

Yeah, what size are your shells?

Tell me, please.

I'm an Jew.

Show me your boobies.

We got you on your seashells.

That was a dirty joke.

You're a dirty girl.

You're at the party, aren't you?

She doesn't know the seashell trick.

This doesn't matter to them yet.

For allowing us to put a little...

Are you going to get somebody new this time?

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Goddamn, Tyler.

Good evening.

It's a great day at Zappos.com.

My name is Carol.

How can I help you?

Yes, I was just talking to this girl.

How many girls are there on the floor?

Oh, I don't know.

we have a lot of people on the floor so i'm not sure of an exact number or anything oh she was so

cute she was really nice and she told me the joke of the day oh awesome it was about seashells it

was yeah i here i'll give it to you it's the official zappos joke why does the mermaid wear

seashells why so her tits don't come out and show everybody sees her tits yeah i doubt that that was

the joke of the day that's how she said to me she did because she said because her tits were so big

that they didn't fit in the b shells and then she wipes her ass with the three seat shells

is there anything zappos related that i can help you with today yeah so i have to make an order

for shoes please all right do you have the uh skew number for that item no i don't know what

the skew number is i would like to make an order for the air jordans the air jordan i don't know

if we carry those you don't carry air jordans i kick a look for you what's the black the shoe

That the black people wear

Those are Trayvon Martins

I don't

That I don't know

What's the most popular shoes

Amongst the black people

That work there

I couldn't tell you that

Do you mind if I play

Sean Holm for just a moment

Yeah ask him if it's

Banana leaves

Wrapped with rubber bands

Alrighty

Fucking banana leaves

Banana leaves

You should drink

Wine more often Carlito

I'm having fun

I don't know

If it's a good show

I've just been

Blabbing away

The whole time

Yeah fucking Tyler

Is out of control though

Oh, man, we need to get a hold of him.

Is that RBCP that won't accept my friend request on?

Rubikip?

Rubikip, RBCP.

Rubikip.

Won't accept my friend request on Skype?

RBCP.

I think he's a Robocop.

You're cool, man.

I don't think you're going to be in trouble with the Puerto Ricans that came over to your house to beat you up.

Well, that's the thing.

I'm calling to tell you they say you're next because you participated in those.

Oh.

And they're like, I never even called one in Oregon before.

But they all network and, you know, have each other's back.

So they sent the employees from Salem down.

And they say they're going to do the same thing to you.

They know where you live.

These geek squatters are serious.

Hello.

Thank you for holding.

Yes, hi.

What did you find?

Hi.

What's your first name, please?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to transfer over to Christina, and she's going to assist you further, okay?

What's Christina do?

Be just a moment.

That's what she does?

Thank you so much.

You're going to answer my question.

Hello.

Yes, who's this?

Hi, my name's Christina.

I'm a lead here at Zappos, and I hear you need assistance placing an order.

Yeah, I was trying to confirm if you have banana leaves wrapped in rubber bands.

If I have what?

Banana leaves wrapped in rubber bands.

Banana leaves wrapped in rubber bands?

Yeah, that's the most popular shoe amongst black people.

Nope, unfortunately I don't.

Is there anything, is there an SKU number that you can give me of anything you're interested in?

440-406.

That doesn't sound like an SKU number.

Yeah, that's a number.

That's Jack Lucas's phone number in England.

That's what?

That's Jack Lucas's phone number.

He lives in England.

Do you have an SKU number for a specific item?

All right, listen, listen.

I'll be honest with you, all right?

I've been calling for the joke of the day,

and it's been the same joke for, like, over a week.

Okay.

And you people started this,

because if you hadn't been putting joke of the day on your phone machine,

then you wouldn't be inviting these funny people like me

and the rest of my friends

who are on the phone right now

to be calling in and joking around

and having fun with their staff

so then they'll get upset at me and my friends

because we're calling with a sense of humor

and looking for jokes on the phone

and then you don't deliver

because we heard the one stupid racist joke that they left

and then we call

who's the girl over there that said the dirty joke

about the seashells when I called earlier

I'm not sure actually

we have different people in a huge company of people

that help us with the jokes well here's uh you know what you want to hear the joke that she told

me she said what was her joke what did the mermaid have seashells it's where seashells

say why because her tits are so big that they don't fit in the b shells and you said that a

rep told you this joke yeah and then she said that the other guy was shitting nerf balls at her

like he was putting nerf balls in her ass and they were coming out she was shitting he was

shitting him out her co he's like oh ha ha ha my co-worker is shitting nerf balls at me and did

you call from the phone number when that conversation happened yes i i redialed almost

immediately because i told her i was offended and she's like oh my god don't tell my boss and she

hung up the phone i like to have a little fun um it's something that we love to do at our company

however we don't want to offend anyone with inappropriate jokes and we we uh put the same

name respect in return um if there's something i can definitely put the call and uh team member

however um if there's not anything zappos related that i can help you with i am gonna have to

disconnect the call i want to know about this asshole named tyler who's doing the joke of the

day he's out of fucking mind i'm gonna have to disconnect the call um we're sorry anything

zappos related please go ahead and give us a call it's a racist joke it's a racist joke that's on

on the little joke of the day.

Have you heard it?

She hung up.

You like that, Bradley?

That was the best.

That was stupid.

I started yelling and that was stupid.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCLT schedule.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thanks for calling Zappos.

This is Meg.

How can I help you?

Yes, I have the joke of the day.

Okay, what's the joke of the day?

What did one Jewish muffin say in the oven to the other Jewish muffin?

What did he say?

I don't know.

Just take a shower.

Oh, that's fantastic.

You like that?

You know, because they would tell the Nazis, tell the Jews to go take a shower.

And then they would gas them.

And then they would put them in the oven.

I see.

And they burn them.

They burn their little bodies.

Is there anything Zappos related I can help you with today?

Could you recommend that for joke of the day?

No, I would not.

I have a clean joke.

Okay, is there anything Zappos-related I can help you with?

Yes.

Okay, what's that?

It's regarding two black guys that are walking down the street and they see a sign.

All right, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect the call, sir.

If there's nothing Zappos-related, I can help you with.

It's about the joke of the day.

It's a Zappos-related thing.

Oh, but it's kind of inappropriate.

Do you understand?

Well, listen, just hear me out about this,

and maybe I think it would be good for Zappos to put this on joke of the day.

I don't think that's going to happen,

But if there's anything I can help you with Zappos related, I'd be happy to help you.

I have a clean one.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

I don't think I want to hear any more jokes, sir.

Because.

Is there maybe a purchase or anything that I can help you with?

Cross, cross.

I need to order some shoes.

Let me talk.

Come on.

All right, go ahead.

All right.

Do you guys carry the little Sambo shoes?

I'm sorry.

What kind of shoes?

Little Sambo.

Come on.

You know the old tale.

Little Sambo.

They just need some shoes.

I'm going to go ahead and disconnect the call, okay?

Why? What did we say? They're called Little Sambo.

You'd be happy to call us back.

I'd be happy to help you if there's anything

Zappos related I can help you with.

They've got the fucking tiger stripes on them too.

I call and I never get the same person.

Those shoes are black, and they got tiger stripes on them.

She knows about Little Sambo.

It's a restaurant.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCOP scheduling.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Good evening.

It's a great day at Zappos.com.

My name is Carol.

Carol. How can I help you? Gort. Hello. Gort. Hello. Yes. Can you hear me? Yes. Hi. I hear you.

This is big Carol. This is Carol. Hi, big Carol. I was calling when I hit number five, I get joke

of the day. Um, is there any way you guys could change it? Cause it's been the same for quite a

while. It's been the same joke. Yeah. Oh, well I don't, uh, I can let them know that it needs to

be changed. I don't have a way to change it myself, but I'd be glad to pass that along.

long all right well how many how many days has it been the same seven days it has oh okay i will

definitely let them know that's joke of the week okay uh yeah it is joke of the week you're right

i will tell them that uh they haven't changed it recently is there anything else i can help you

with today and who are they really pardon me who are they really who are they that you're going to

tell who are them who are they really the people who would update that in the department the people

Who are these people?

Well, it would be a separate department from this,

but I would pass along the information that they need to update that.

I don't know specifically who does that.

The racist joke department?

Because it's a racist joke that's on there now.

It is?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's about Little Black Sambo.

Okay, is there anything Zappos related that I can help you with?

Oh, yes, my friend Ken's going to order some shoes.

Go ahead, Ken.

Yeah, I need to order some shoes.

Okay, do you have the SKU number for them?

I don't.

They're the Little Sambo shoes.

They're black. They have tiger stripes on them.

Okay, I'm not sure what shoe. I would need the number in order to place an order.

You can't look it up. You've heard of Little Tail, you know, Little Black Sambo.

They're black shoes, tiger stripes.

Yeah, the moon cricket.

They have the word Africa or some shit like that in the title.

Do you mind if I place you on hold for just a moment, please?

Could I have your first name?

That's, um, I don't know. Yeah, well, I'm Cross. I'm Cross.

Are you getting Christina? Is that your team lead?

Okay, just a moment, please, okay?

He doesn't ever answer when I ask, stupid.

Yeah, fucking wildly inappropriate, too.

Oh, yeah, it is Joke of the Week.

I know, bitch, that's why I called.

She didn't like Big Carol at all.

You could tell she was like,

this is Carol.

You should ask her to three-way that line on

so you can listen to the joke with her.

Yeah.

I wish she'd let me make suggestions.

Like, sure, you like recommendations?

Sure.

Racist has jokes.

And you should get Tyler's last name

so we can track him down and ruin his life.

How big, do you think Zappos really has that big of a call center?

they're a fucking internet company

who calls like oh I'm going to order shoes online

no let me call

I guess I'll get on the phone and call

what a dick whoever does that

Tabachi probably does that

fucking Tabachi

he doesn't trust me

call us the

we're not calling the Turkish horse

Tabachi's like back in my day

called on the phone

alright let me find the

well we wait see if we can call

Turkish horse's house

Maybe this other place will pick up while we're on the line.

Can I give you a joke to tell her?

Yes.

Okay, how does Hitler tie his shoes?

How?

In little Nazis.

That's not bad.

That's appropriate.

Yeah, no, it's not going to hurt anyone's feelings.

Not anymore.

I think we're over the whole thing.

The whole Hitler thing, you know?

I think I'm better than Michigan J. Frog, that fucking asshole.

That's racist.

Hello?

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message.

Yeah, I can't get...

I can't get...

I can't figure out his password.

They're having a fucking powwow right now about what the fuck we're going to do about Cross.

This guy keeps calling her racist jokes.

Well, that one girl was all game.

She's the one that opened up a whole can of worms, saying they're throwing her on Nerf balls.

Why do they wear seashells?

Because they can't fit in the bees.

Yeah, think about it.

Yeah, I didn't know there were still places like that in existence,

that, you know, the workers just sit around and play with toys.

They got big screen, you know, TVs hanging out, free arcade, break room.

Tomcat.

Oh, yeah?

Do they?

We got TVs in each cubicle.

Fucking, you go into the break room, they got pinball, fucking air hockey.

You got golden tee golf, shit like that.

You got your own weight room and shit, basketball court.

Nice.

Basketball court.

That's good.

Well, let's call the UK while we wait here for a team lead to get on and be all rude to us.

I'm calling Jack Lucas.

UK Godfather's trying to call in, and he hung up.

Stupid UK Godfather.

Thank you for holding, sir.

Who's this?

Thank you for holding I appreciate your patience. I'm actually gonna transfer you over to Justin. Okay, and he's gonna assist you

Okay, all right be just a moment. Thank you

Holding this is Justin. I'm the lead here at Zappos. May I ask who I'm speaking to please?

This is cross the lady should have told you my name already. Oh, that's understandable

Just want to make sure I speak to the right person. So it's cross. Yeah, did she do a transfer on the phone?

Yeah, it was transferred to me.

So then you want to make sure you're talking to the right person?

Well, I just want to make it personal to make sure I'm speaking to the right, you know, the individual that's on the other line.

Or you could have said, hello, is this Cross?

Excuse me?

You could have said, hello, is this Cross?

Well, I also just want to also just hear from you. I'm sorry.

My name is Justin. I'm here. I'm a lead here at Zappos.

And is there anything I can assist you with this evening in placing an order or?

Well, there's a problem with the joke of the day.

Okay.

It's a racist joke.

Okay.

It's a racist joke, and it hasn't been changed.

It's hard, man.

It hasn't been changed in like seven days.

Okay.

Well, we definitely can have it changed.

It's not something personally that I can do myself,

but I've obviously got resources available to me to contact my upper management

to have it possibly removed by tomorrow.

But, of course, it's late in the evening.

I'm on the night shift, so it's obviously not something I have the power right away to do.

But I can reach out to them via e-mail this evening

and have that possibly removed by tomorrow if that's okay.

Well, yeah, my partner Brad has a joke that he'd like to suggest to be put on there.

Could you make a note of it?

You can definitely email it to our customer service department.

You can write it down for your report.

Okay, if you'd like to go ahead and say it, I'll listen.

Go ahead, Brad.

Hey, I'm Brad.

Okay, here's the joke.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

I have no idea.

Little Nazis.

Oh, that's nice.

Get it?

It's not even offensive.

That's, like, good for kids.

Oh, cool.

All right, well, I appreciate your suggestion.

That's not something that we'll be putting on our site.

Have you heard the current joke of the day?

I'm not interested, actually.

After hearing that one, I'm not interested in all of your jokes.

Well, it's not our joke.

It's your dirty joke that you put on there.

No.

I'm going to tell you what it is.

It's Zappos' joke.

Okay, go ahead.

It says, what did one muffin say to the other muffin?

Okay.

Oh, my God, it's hot in here.

And it's like, oh, it's a talking muffin.

Okay, well, I do apologize if that joke is offensive to you.

I can take measures with my management to have that removed off the site.

Well, here's a better version of it.

What did one Jewish muffin say to the other Jewish muffin?

That's not what the joke says.

But it's a suggestion.

Okay, well, again, we definitely appreciate the feedback from our customers,

and we can take measures to have that removed.

We have no means to make you feel offensive, and that's not what we're about.

We're very much a service company.

Jason, listen, Jason, the joke is...

Okay, my name is Justin.

Jason, I know.

My name is Justin.

I understand, Jason.

Listen, one Jewish muffin said...

Hey, sir, is there anything I can assist you regarding Zappos.com?

Yes.

Because your offensive jokes I'm not going to tolerate.

So if you don't have anything Zappos related, I'm going to go and disconnect the call.

The muffin said, let's go take a shower.

Have a good night, sir.

I couldn't stand his fucking tone.

Hi, how are you today?

Hi.

Can I help you with something Zappos related?

Hello.

He reminded me of Eric the Piano Tuner.

For the two people that get that.

Is that Jerky Boys you're talking about?

Yeah.

Wasn't that where there was a dog and a jerk?

And the piano wire thing.

It was a Rottweiler, right?

A Rottweiler?

Oh my god, no. I'm sorry.

He's biting and snapping at me.

He's baring his teeth.

The wife's in the background.

God damn.

I want to hear that.

I wish What's-His-Face would have been on our shows.

You know? We tried, Brad.

Rad, we tried.

Yeah, so the only next logical step is to track down his home numbers and his family numbers

and just start harassing and calling.

Yeah, and send pizzas.

Turn him into a victim instead of a friend.

Racist jokes.

Yeah, that's good.

Another thing is we could find the one guy that only does the one voice that everyone likes.

What's his name?

Oh, God.

You know what I'm talking about?

The other jerky boy.

Oh, Kamal.

Kamal, yeah.

I think he'd be game.

What the hell is he doing, right?

He's not doing anything.

He does something now.

I remember I was surprised to see whatever he did.

Really?

But still, I think he'd be easier.

He seems more easier going than Johnny.

Yeah, Johnny Brennan.

You know, he's...

Yeah, is Eric there?

It's me.

Eric, how are you?

Listen, you're the piano tuning guy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, the butt nut.

Listen, I need you to do me a favor.

The butt nut.

Who is this?

This is Frank Rizzo.

I got a problem over here.

I'm calling you because I need a little help.

No, you haven't we got it out of the but I'll tell you what I got a problem here

My fucking dog is inside the piano

He jumped he must have jumped up there and got wedged down in the fucking wires

And I need you to help me do something. I don't know shit about this tuning get him out of there

He jumped inside there. He scared of me. I'm always beating him and whatnot

I got my wife over here screaming to get the fucking dog from the piano. I could really use the help there Eric

He's fucking he's wedged in there. I don't know how to get him out of there. He's snapping

He stripped his fucking teeth. He's snapping. He's really in bad shape.

He's a little too tough for me to Eric. Come on. I need your help here, Fruitcake.

Please. He's a Rottweiler.

Christ, I can't count on you people?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Okay.

There they go, the clown and the toothed dog.

All right, calling the UK.

Probably one of my favorites one day. I think he has Mexicans on the roof.

UK Godfather here.

Hey, UK Godfather.

How are you?

Good.

This is Ted Webb.

Jim Stewart, too.

Hi, Ted Webb.

Yeah, Ted Webb, Jim Stewart on the line tonight.

Yeah, he was like, I'm joining the military, I quit my job, I'll be around all the time.

He's never around.

Never fucking around, that guy.

Hello, is this Jack? Jack Lucas?

Hi, I hope I didn't wake you up.

Oh, that's great.

Sir, I'm calling with your joke of the day that you signed up for during the Olympics.

Pardon?

You signed up for joke of the day

And we're calling with your joke of the day

6am wake up call with the joke of the day

What did one Jewish muffin say to the other Jewish muffin?

I cannot hardly hear you

What did one Jewish muffin

You speak too fast

What did one Jewish muffin say to the other Jewish muffin?

Pardon?

What did one Jewish muffin say to the other Jewish muffin?

Jewish?

Muffin

I don't know what you're on about

You know a muffin?

You know what a muffin is?

No.

It's like a pastry that you put in the oven, you know?

No.

All right, what did one Jewish piece of bread say to the other piece of bread?

It's Jewish in the oven.

They were in the oven together.

You know what they said?

He said, let's take a shower together.

I can't put together what you're saying.

What's it all about?

It's Jack Lucas is a stupid old man.

I think I am.

Yeah, now you understand what I said.

And I hear perfectly, don't you, stupid?

I've been here for two and a half bloody years.

What?

I've been in hospital for two...

I don't know how long.

I've only just been out of hospital for four days.

What's wrong?

What happened?

Do you have AIDS?

Well, I got in touch with the doctor.

I've got a splitting headache,

and I was bringing up some blood.

Oh, what's your...

Dark brown stuff.

off it can't be great because i haven't heard anything from the doctors but uh you were in for

two years i'm a celiac disease and i've got carers coming in two twice a day dressing me

and dressing me and then dressing me uh putting me to bed and dressing me in the morning then

i'm dressing me in the evening oh do they get you naked and they touch you pardon do they touch you

when you and they undress you they touch you do they touch me yes yeah of course i do because

they gotta dress me and undress me oh so they touch your privates and everything yeah they

give me a bath every other day okay i'm not i'm not allowed i'm not allowed to go down the town

shopping i've got to get somebody to help me uh to go down there for me okay they go down for you

That's good.

Do they kiss you?

Do they what?

Do they kiss you?

Kiss me?

Yes, and touch you and kiss you.

They don't have to.

Well, let's say you said they touch you.

Do they kiss you also?

Touch and kiss you?

Well, they touch me, you know.

They got to, because they're going to wash me.

And they touch your penis?

Do what?

You know your penis?

You have a penis still?

Sure I have.

Well, they touch me.

I think you've got one.

Yes, of course.

A big one.

Yes, well, what's that?

What's that to do with it?

Oh, they see your, you show them your penis, and they don't want to see that.

Uh-huh.

After you explained everything that was going on with him, you should be like,

oh, that doesn't sound very serious.

It doesn't.

So you're faking it, sorry.

Did you get my number about Dave?

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Dave the Rival?

Is he going to pick up?

Yes, this is Jack.

Yes.

Jack, you didn't tell me now.

Do they touch you in the bum?

Do they touch me with what?

In your bum, with their hands.

Yeah, they wash me all over.

Okay, do they squeeze your buttocks, your bum?

They test it and all that, make sure it's all right, yeah.

All right, when they touch your bum, do they go honk, honk, like that?

That's what?

Do they grab your buttocks, your bum, and they go honk, honk, honk, like that?

Do they do that?

No, they just wash the bum and that's it.

Oh, is it ladies that come in?

Pardon?

Is it ladies, women?

Ladies, ladies and men.

Are they attractive women?

Pardon?

Are they good-looking, attractive women?

Well, what's that got to do with it?

It doesn't matter what they look like.

Well, it's good if you get naked in front of them and they look good.

And you show them your private parts, you know?

If you can't explain what you're going to do or what they're going to do, don't ring again, because I can hardly hear you.

Listen, next time when they take your clothes off, you need to say, look at this, look at this, look at this, like that.

Say, look at this, look at this, look at this.

No.

Do it.

They're going to take the bloody clothes off to bath me, ain't they?

And then when they do that, you go, look at this, look at this, and you move your penis up and down.

Look at this, look at this, look at this.

It's nice of the guy, women and men, coming in there to sue his bisexual lifestyle.

I'm not kidding you.

I've said that before in the show, but when I lived in Orlando,

there was a guy that was in the news who was going around at night.

He would knock on doors, and people would answer the door,

and he'd pull his pecker out, and he'd shine a light flash out on it,

and he would say, look at this, look at this, and he'd run away.

They finally caught him after three years,

but he would go, like, random neighborhoods and do this.

Hey, Packer, we're not interested in Packer.

He pulled his dick up like, look at this, look at this.

That's so nasty.

Look at this, look at this.

Can you call Dave to rave?

Huh?

Call Dave to rave.

I sent you a plank.

Yeah, is this Brian?

UK Godfather.

No, I'm talking to Brian.

Brian!

I'm fucking around, Brian.

Brian.

Answer the phone.

Hello?

Brian?

Yes, hi, Brian.

This is Brian Davidson.

Brian Davidson!

Bugger off.

Where did you send that, UK Godfather?

Where did you send it?

Request a prank.

Ten minutes ago.

On the internet?

Yeah.

Okay, let me see.

That guy had a heart attack.

I don't know if he was trying to hang up the phone

or whether you're fucking pounding numbers right there.

David the Rave, tell them it's an emergency

that he's the father of a king

and that, no, of a kid

that his mother has asked for you to call

to say that you're going to pick him up

from sunny side what is this about what all right whatever you say he better hope he picks up i hope

i hope he does too uk godfather seriously i hope he picks up the one the other week yes the uh

toria yes toria was good he was an asshole to me he was a real jerk he was good yeah yeah that was

embarrassing mate it was embarrassing it was embarrassing i don't know it's not ringing yet

UK Godfather

I don't know

plus four

yep

one one

yeah I got it here

Torea

there we go

I'll try it again

I texted it in Skype to you

yeah you can

I got it here

now it's busy

he picked up

and didn't say anything

is this a friend of yours

or what's going on

uh

he's just numpty

busy

I'll give it a few

remind me again

in a moment alright

I have an appointment

at six

I have an appointment

at six o'clock in the morning

I'm gonna be so tired

alright we're called

it's six o'clock

yeah already

I know

Oh, think about that.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yes.

Makes you think.

Brian, let's call Brian here.

Another Brian, a different one.

Any of you want this, call it.

Yes, is Brian there?

Brian Davison?

Who are you phoning at this time?

I'm Cross, and don't talk to me like that all sassy.

Have you?

Don't talk to me all sassy.

I'm a friend of Brian's, and I need to talk to him.

It's about six in the morning.

I don't care.

The men don't talk to women and have women talk to them like that.

What's that about?

You respect me, woman?

What are you doing, son?

Hello?

Yes.

Hello.

Shut up, UK Godfather.

I know it's you.

Brian!

Hold your ears, guys.

Nothing.

Yeah, I think they left the phone off the hook.

All together, round three.

Somebody heard her in the background.

Respect me, woman.

What are you saying, man?

This is the hour that the men converse at, bitch.

The person you have called is on the phone.

Please leave a message.

Yeah, they're on the phone because they left it off the hook.

They're assholes.

uh again yeah i'll call dave the rave or that taxi number i gave you taxi you say

change them i hope damn it yeah so low is this dave what dave david is it david no it's not david

dave the rave who are you we need david who are you uh my name is uh i am emerging huh

Huh?

Yeah, wait.

What?

You're the father of a kid?

What was that about?

Fucking asshole.

What a fucking dick.

He's not David.

You can't go further.

Why did you say he's David?

He's not David.

He's a father.

Oh, David Boyce?

No, that's his dad.

Yeah, right.

No CP left?

What a jerk.

What do you want?

Listen, I need to speak to your son, all right?

Don't be a stupid shit.

Goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Call him back.

I want to talk to him.

I spoke to him a while ago.

The two plus two equals five, guys.

Ah.

Oh, I want to talk to his dad.

He's probably the UK guy.

Oh, you fucking fool.

Oh, man.

Nunu saying that Milkman is the old man we talked about the penis.

The Lucas guy.

That's awesome.

Does Nunu ever come on?

Of course not.

He's a pussy.

He's a chicken.

Yellow chicken pussy.

He's a chatroom terrorist is what he is.

He's mean to Milkman.

He's rude and nasty to Milkman.

Milkman gets mad.

Milkman was in the middle of making dinner for his mom the other night.

and Nunu was all mean to him.

He got mad and he burnt the waffles.

He burnt the dinner waffles.

Brian

This is Brian

Hi Brian, my name is Cross

I'm from Mary Nurses

We're going to be coming over to give you a bath

And bathe you and pamper you

Powder you and touch you in the privates

And all that

I'm calling from Mary Nurses

The nurse

The nurse machine

I know

Good thing you came

Good thing you came up for this here to tell us.

It's available to take your call at the moment.

Please leave a message after the tone.

No, I will not.

No.

I will not follow your commands, asshole.

We got a different Brian here.

Let's call him Brian Meal.

You can't go further.

Why don't you do a prank?

Can I send you a taxi number?

Uh, no.

You can't go further.

You do a prank.

You're going to talk to Brian Malloy and make us laugh.

Morning.

Hi, Brian, please.

Brian speaking.

speaking from the uk administration for water what time it is i want you to check your uh yes

it's about 6 20 in the morning too early is that right sir well i've got a problem with your water

supply yes they're the wife of the bad guy who is it you know what time it is who is it number

one question in the uk i'll try to see if i can call and apologize on your behalf let's see yes

Yes, Brian. My name is Cross. I'm the manager here at the UK Water Supply.

I wanted to call and apologize. I understand you got a phone call from my associate just now.

Hello? Come on, man.

Can I do one more?

Yes.

I never... This is fun.

No, you've been listening all this time. It's about time you did a prank call.

Andrew Gordon.

Andrew Gordon. Here you go.

Andrew Gordon.

I'll tell you what city he lives in.

Dorking, England. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He already has a pet gerbil used.

Hello?

Hello, can I speak Gordon Andrews?

Sorry, Andrew Gordon?

Calling.

Brazen for gas and electricity?

Do you know what time in the morning it is?

Yes, it's 6.20 in the morning.

Do you think that's a reasonable time to ring someone up?

Yes, it is, because, like, midday in the UK.

Er, in the USA, sorry.

Yeah, midday in the USA.

And I think it's very bad manners to ring somebody up at this time.

It's day.

day. And so if I was

to ring you when it was three in the

morning in the States, but

it happened to be two in the

afternoon here or whatever, that would not

be unreasonable then.

No, no, I'm up all the time.

Well, you can talk

to me, you'll probably get snarled up, I feel

very upset. Yeah, I would like to talk to you

about quintessential

UK cup of tea. You drink tea?

I'm just about to say something very rude.

Go away.

Bye. Bye.

you made her laugh

that's nice

what did she say

she's about to

sound like she's

in another bourbon

yeah

she starts drinking

early god

a few mimosas

in the six o'clock

in the morning

thank you

that was funny

I'm calling her

see if I can get

one more prank

we're gonna call it

a night

I gotta be up early

I gotta be up

and I got about

four hours of sleep

behind me

hello

yes hi

I'm calling to

apologize on behalf

of my associate

is this Andrew

Gordon's residence

yes it's me

I'm calling from

from the united states telephone machine for the water and gases gases anomalies and it's an

emergency is it yes it is yeah we're shutting off your water and gas right i thought uh it was in

scotland but still never mind what's gone wrong uh well you have you've been mixing your gas line

with your water line apparently uh gas with uh with water there's uh gas fuel coming through the

water line apparently do you have a toilet there in your home yes all right there's gas coming out

of the toilet apparently according to my computer according to what research the according to the

master computer the gas is mixing with the water and it's coming through your toilet it says

i'm printing it out now to report it says there's been 22 cubic liters of gas coming through your

But the two systems are completely not related.

Not recently.

You've just woken me up.

I know, but it's either this or we shut your water off and your gas off completely for five days.

You're not the supplier of my water again.

Yes, we are.

Are you?

Yes, we're through United Kingdom.

We have a master contract through the government.

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you in the bathroom?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Can you flush the toilet once, and I'll show you what I'm talking about?

Yes.

All right.

So, you see, what happens, you know when you sit down on the toilet to use a toilet?

No, I don't sit down flushed.

All right.

Can you sit down on the toilet like you're using it?

Yeah.

Do you have your, you don't have to take your pants down, sir.

I don't have one.

All right, you don't have any pants on?

Yes, on.

All right, good.

Keep your pants on, please.

I can see you through the water lines.

The computer can see you, what you're doing right now.

All right, don't be nasty.

So basically what happens, the gas is mixing in there.

Now, when you push out your feces, have you been having the bowel movements that you have?

Do you expel gas through your anus into the water?

Well, do you?

I really meant to read that aspect of things.

I'm still not quite what you're...

I'm sorry, I'm sort of half asleep, so I'm not quite...

Are you dead?

Is there a link?

Is there a tank lid?

Like, is there a tank that you have there?

No.

No, there's no tank?

What, did you pull a chain?

That's right, yeah.

Oh, you pull a chain.

Is there a tank?

I'm not quite sure.

Yeah, it...

It's there.

We have gone six o'clock now, yeah.

What?

I'm not sure what the emergency's meant to be.

Well, basically what's going on is when you're, either you or your wife, when you're using the toilet, you're farting into the gas, into the water, and it's creating a problem with the gas.

Because you're introducing gas into the water system.

Gas from your body, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like when you fart.

Yeah, like I said, you know, what are we meant to be doing? What's the emergency?

Well, because you're putting gas into the water and it's dangerous. You're contaminating the water for the whole neighborhood.

Right, okay.

So what we want you to do is, from now on, we don't want you to use,

can you refrain from doing bowel movements in the toilet, just urinating only, please?

Yeah, we'll take it home to the garden.

Yeah, that's fine.

All right, so from now on, we want you to go outside into your garden

and pull down your pants, and that's where you take a shit in the garden, okay?

Yeah, that sounds good.

That's good for my big pot.

Yeah, perfect.

All right, and if you promise to do that, then we won't shut your water off.

Okay.

But if I have here in the computer that you made a shit in the toilet,

we're going to come and shut your water off.

Right, okay.

Okay?

Yep.

And then we're going to make you clean it up.

Yep, that's fine.

Okay.

Yep.

Well, you have a good night.

Bye.

Do you want to try Dave Rafer man again just to piss him off more?

Uh, no, I'm going to go to sleep.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's cool.

That has to go.

I'm sorry.

Bye, UK Godfather.

It's good talking to you.

Thanks for doing some pranks.

Bye-bye.

I like you, man.

You're a cool dude.

Seriously, all right?

Thank you.

I like you better than you, K-Tag.

All right?

Thanks.

All right, you're out of here.

Bye.

On your ass.

Bye.

D12 M&M, who's also known as Enigma420.

See you later.

Bye.

Ken, bye.

On your ass.

I would like to profess that Carlito is going down week one of fantasy football.

Whatever.

Going down big.

Yeah, because you've got Big Ben.

Yeah, he's such a threat.

See you later.

Bye.

I hung up on him.

Out of here.

And Milkman, are you still here?

Speaking of losers?

No?

Milkman!

I don't have to end the show without Milkman.

All right, well, everybody, thanks for tuning in tonight.

This has been Madhouse Radio, and we've had a great time.

Great super time.

It's been Madhouse Radio for August the 30th, and the month is upon us.

It's Friday, everybody.

Didn't know if you realized.

August the 31st, end of the month.

September's on us.

Y'all have a great Labor Day weekend.

Thank you, everyone, who sent in requests to pranks tonight.

night thank you for lonesome loser for being the uh gentleman and scholar that you are i'm gonna

give a big shout out to everyone who's in the madhouse fantasy football league thanks to all

of you who showed up last sunday all our fans and listeners all the requested prankers tonight

too many of you to name i won't even try doing it because i'm toasted i'm serious i gotta be i gotta

be somewhere at six o'clock in the morning you asshole fucks i can't get out of this one this

This one I can't get out of, all right, madhouse people?

I hope you know you're ruining my life.

You're ruining my Friday because after this 6 o'clock thing, then I got to go to work.

And I'm stuck there for 8 hours with a bunch of Indian assholes.

Then I get to come home and sleep.

And then my wife says I can't sleep in on Saturday morning because we got to go some fucking place.

So there.

I hope you all are happy.

I don't get to sleep in.

I don't get a decent night of sleep until Sunday morning.

And I was planning on getting up Sunday morning.

and i was planning on going to the breakfast buffet but you know what they shut down the

breakfast buffet at 10 o'clock in the morning you think my 11 o'clock in the morning and i'm

not gonna be able to get up that early the latest you can get to the breakfast buffet is 10 30

because by then they start shutting it down and putting in the lunch stuff i don't want lunch

i don't want lunch buffets are nasty breakfast buffets are the bomb man you go to breakfast

buffet you know you get yourself your omelet you know they made to order omelet you get yourself

if you got a big tray of bacon, you know, home fries, get yourself some coffee, you know, like

go in there, go on my iPad. I sit at the breakfast buffet with my iPad, you know, and usually what I

do is I load it with the unedited Madhouse show from the week before, from the Thursday before.

Usually it's Saturday morning or Sunday morning, you know, and I go there and I listen. I listen

to the Madhouse show from unedited from a few days before and I read the news on my iPad, you

know and i might play some games on my ipad sometimes i read a comic book on my ipad i buy

a dc comics app and i buy a comic book anyway let's see what you guys are doing anyway because

you guys no sleep tomorrow tomorrow i'm gonna be grumpy and mean and um i don't get my breakfast

with faith this is putting me back all weekend that's how much i sacrifice for you good night

bye see you guys fuckers i need a good outro song there we go bye

I'm sorry.

Fuck you, big motherfucker.

I took a big break.

You have used to dial.

Are too fast.

Take a special dialing wand.

Please mash the keypad with your palm now.

It's now being traced by AT&T Security and Call Tracing Network.

You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Boring.

Only the preparers will vote under the earth to defeat the devil.

You will stand next to me if this hour ever comes.

You will stand next to me and stand behind me.

Victory again!

Banana Leaves Wrapped With Rubber Bands

Calls (32, 1 h 35 min of 3 h 17 min)

Transcript

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