Milkman Zzzzzz

you asshole

my daughter in the jail

I fuck you

you son of a bitch

you

why you talk about you

you need to go straight to hell

I'm gonna cut the food

did she touch you

well she had to

didn't she

did she

she's not

to wash me

she's not

and to untrace me

I'm not playing

no fucking games

I

I fuck you

son of a bitch

stop making a stupid comment

you're out of your

crazy mind

you ain't getting

no goddamn dollars

I'll fuck you

all my books

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

that'd be something fucking coldplay what's he coming out milkman the president god be praised

god bless his name mr president's on the screen on the stage accepting the nomination you know

four years ago i was listening to this episode from four years ago when this happened right when

the show started he came out with me and tuck let's see how many times this thank you said it

once already thank you thank you so much that's two i say 12 thank you thank you three thank you

so much four thank you five thank you very much everybody six thank you seven michelle nah i love

you so much you know things are bad when you only got seven thank you is out milkman milkman you

there bastard hey how you doing there you old horse

and money

so

just like

this way

my brother

so good to hear

your joyous

melodious

kind of disease

yeah

them Obama

girls grew up

just looking

I haven't seen

them since like

a long time ago

the one older

one's got

the one older

one's got

where she

looked like a

fine young lady

look at that

alright awesome

well here we are

everybody

Madhouse Radio

September 6th

starting late

I didn't get home

until like maybe

40 minutes ago

and I literally

sat down

Scarfed my dinner down as I got everything set up.

And I got it on as soon as I could.

But here we are, Madhouse Radio for the night.

We'll be doing prank calls and doing things of that nature.

We're going to have a good old time, aren't we, Milkman?

How's your week been, sir?

Yee-haw! Yeah, my brother.

Yeah, you been going to school, Milkman?

Doing your training class machine?

Or what's been going on with you?

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I'm still training glass machines.

Absolutely, man.

And, you know, it's part of our new Rascal Scooters lineup coming up, man.

It's just going to be the style of the flag.

Yeah, there you go.

Coconut says, run, Paul, for president.

Hey, asshole, you're Canadian.

Shut up.

How about that?

Actually.

How about you worry about your elections, your boring elections?

Who's president?

Who's prime?

Who's the prime?

Who's Mr. Prime Minister of Canada?

Who knows?

Right, Milkman?

Who cares?

Who knows?

Who cares?

I just realized the laptop that handles the Skype machine.

The laptop that handles the Skype machine isn't plugged in.

I've got to fucking get out.

I've got to get up.

I've got to take my headphones off.

I've got to stand up and go fix that milkman.

I don't know.

Here, we'll play the president's speech for give me about 25 seconds.

I'll be right back.

Enjoy this.

Forward, even when the odds are great, even when the road is long.

Eight years later, that hope has been tested by the cost of war,

by one of the worst economic crises in history,

and by political gridlock that's left us wondering

whether it's still even possible to tackle the challenges of our time.

I know campaigns can seem small, even silly sometimes.

Trivial things become big distractions.

Serious issues become sound bites.

The truth gets buried under an avalanche of money and advertising.

If you're sick of hearing me approve this message, believe me, so am I.

What's he complaining about? What money? He's out of money?

He's asking for more money now?

I didn't hear it.

I had the headphones down.

Oh, well, whatever.

It's people crying in the crowd, whatever.

It's not that big of a deal anymore.

He was supposed to be in a stadium, right?

At first, I was applying in the big stadium, and then he moved to the arena.

I don't know, Milkman.

Last year, what?

A madhouse endorsed Obama.

I don't know.

I haven't made a decision.

I know I'm not voting for Romney.

I know that much.

That's out of the question.

Definitely because of Romney.

You're not feeling that bad.

I know I'm not voting for Romney for sure, especially after the Paul Ryan selection.

He's just a goofball.

That's about as bad as...

I love it, man.

They're the perfect choices, man.

Okay.

I'm not 100% sold on Obama.

I know it's not going to matter anyway, but I might vote for a Libertarian or Independent

or Green Party or something else.

I'll make a decision.

Usually by my...

Usually Halloween, Milkman, your birthday, Milkman Day, National Milkman Day.

that's my deadline for um yeah political selections yeah yeah right yeah by then uh

usually what i do um is around october i go online and i print out a sample ballot

right and it has all the selections that you know for my jurisdiction my district or whatever

and i research them all i google every single candidate that's on there i look at their

interviews i look at their news stories i look at their wikipedia page i look at their personal

on the web page i see all their platforms and that's and i and i i just i cross them out i

cross them out circle the ones i like and make a final decision i don't go down party lines i just

gotta go based on what they say and what their history is like for judges especially i'll look

up the judges and if i see like news stories that the judge is that the judge is an idiot he made

stupid decisions or made mistakes or something i won't vote to retain the judge you know uh

How often are judges elected, I guess, on the county basis?

It depends.

Usually it's every four years.

And you vote to retain your judge.

Like, you know, the judge is appointed and what you see is something like,

do you want Judge, you know, Bill, Bill Doe, Bill Doe, Dildo.

Do you want Judge Dildo Johnson to remain in, you know,

as judge of the 4th Juridical District or something like that.

That's what it goes.

you know johnny hound dog balls on the bench exactly there you go well death fox's coney 2012

awesome good deal good luck with that that that that whole movement sure fell off really fast

saw the coney thing people like what the after that after the one producer got caught naked

then it was the running down the street naked and in hollywood high off of his gourd was he drunk or

high one of the coney the two coney guys documentary people like he first came out they had pictures of

of them holding guns in africa and then like that next weekend he the guy is freaking running like a

nutball down uh down the street in hollywood or la naked uh and he was on something i don't know

it was on bath salts the goddamn bath salts or something and it makes you think it makes you

think man you know you know i'm the way i think about it the guy he he made enemies out of certain

people in the government who want to be militarily involved uh or want to have certain influences in

africa uh you know look up africom while you're at it anyway and they probably gave them the the

there's an injection that they give you to makes you crazy that's what they gave him um they gave

it to the uh the the guy that shot up the movie theater the batman movie uh shooter he got that

too he got brainwashed and they gave him the injection it makes you go crazy it makes you do

what they tell you to do uh sirhan sirhan you know him milkman that's another one he uh you're

did you just get injected are you turning right now oh my god yes yes absolutely

milkman i could be wrong you're older you you came from this era the guy that shot um what's

uh john lennon that was sir han sir and i'm not confusing him right that's not the guy that killed

rfk right oh that that's the guy did rfk yeah uh who who got um john lennon then who was it

uh it wasn't certain i confused the assassins yeah yeah anyway oh yeah i'll have a couple minutes

yeah but the uh the guy said he came out he said he was the a fan had every single beatles and

and john lennon album every song huge fan what would what do you think would drive a guy like

that to kill is that you know john lennon was on the bad side of the government you know with the

The whole him talking about peace and the whole movements that he was getting involved in

and different things that got in the way.

The FBI came out later on.

The FBI was monitoring John Lennon and his activities.

Same thing with, what's his face, with Martin Luther King.

They were monitoring and watching his activities.

They were using the FBI powers.

Yeah.

Herbert Hoover was doing that, monitoring all those guys, man.

They looked at him for decades.

I mean, they never got him for anything, but I mean, still, I mean, it's a fact that the government couldn't or would do that, but it says it does.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Crazy fucker says I'm a brainwashed zombie, so I'm a double agent.

All right, well, we'll get to prank calls here tonight.

I'm excited about those.

Milkman, there is a...

Yeah, we'll need to hear Crazy Fucker's opinion, man.

He needs to call in.

Crazy fucker, find a pay phone.

There's got to be a pay phone somewhere.

Come on, man.

I'll give you a quarter.

You got internet, man.

How do you have internet and not a phone?

What kind of shit is that?

I don't think that's the real question.

It's all Skype there.

Yeah.

Get Skype or something, dude.

How are you on the internet and chatting with us and everything?

Get Skype.

He's probably afraid of Skype.

I don't know if it may not actually be crazy fucker, but he kind of like sits on his character.

I don't know.

I think we hear him actually on the phone.

We don't know who it is.

There you go.

Well, look, Milkman, we got a clown convention, all right?

Alright. A clown convention

in progress per Nunu. We got the

details of the clown convention.

A Nunu convention.

There we go.

The arm also came through

during the week.

I got to try 17 boats

running, you know.

Madhouse secret source, the arm came through

during the week with some amazing information.

From what I understand,

Milkman, quite exciting.

We have a

more confirmed information,

a dossier of sorts.

on the turkish horse we found the facebook page for the woman um her facebook page is out there

now um we should maybe we should post that for people to see i don't know maybe people will start

freaking out and dropping dimes on us and stuff i don't know i don't know dude maybe they're just

kind of like just keep that one in private you know and then like you know look at him slowly

on the side keep that one close close to the chest you think maybe i don't know if i would

would be messing with facebook i mean you know how it is i guess so give it a little break you

know just like you know a little side action we also got charlie's real name and his daughter's

name um we got that to work with also and we got a request here also for a good friend of ours of

the show i won't say who it is he's listening tonight and we need to call he's staying up

actually to listen to this and i promised him i would take care of this for him so actually let

Let me go ahead and take care of that real quick.

Sorry, Mr. Secret, Mr. X out there.

You know who you are.

I promised you I was going to get this information for you here.

There's other people off on that crazy fucker here too.

Some other queer freaks.

All right, so I'm going to be calling from the Hotmail Emergency Support Team.

I urgently need to discuss illegal activities on the account.

You'll be really confused.

You might ask me for a whole bunch of questions, but try to stay on top of it.

Tell them I can't confirm any more details until I confirm I'm speaking with Mr. XXX

to confirm that he needs to answer his security question,

who is your favorite historical person?

Okay, here we go.

Is that Death Fox?

Is that his request to prank stuff?

Is what?

Who?

Death Fox?

Death Fox.

Yeah, I've got...

Is that his request to prank?

The one I'm talking about now?

Or are you saying?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I was wondering.

That's what he was just talking about.

No, I've got that one, too.

That's here also,

but this is something different.

I have to take care of it first, okay?

Right on, right on.

All right, big guy.

Tiger.

Big Tiger?

Alright, let me give him a call.

Where's the hat?

Oh, dude, the hat's on the other side

of the studio room.

Uh-oh.

I think it's time to put that on

Dobby there and have him

stroll it over your way.

No, Dobby's not allowed in here. Dobby's an asshole.

How about Chloe? Chloe!

She's even worse, Chloe is.

Last week, you know she woke me up last night

with that bullshit again?

she she um she insists and when i go to sleep she likes to lay in my chest so oh she loves you

i am fine okay fine she loves me and i say all right sure chloe come on go ahead whatever

next thing you know three o'clock in the morning and she wants to get out i don't know if she needs

to take a shit or a piss or whatever it is but she's she's banging she's knocking stuff down

and making noise and all this shit i'm like fine i get up open the door for her let her out i get

Get up, and when she hears I'm up, she starts meowing like crazy.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Okay.

The person you're calling is temporarily unavailable.

Please try later.

Oh, I don't know.

Mr. X.

Meow, meow, meow.

It's a busy, it says busy right now, the line.

The person you're calling is temporarily unavailable.

Please try later.

Okay, moving right along.

We'll have to re-cue that one then.

Yeah, confirm that, Mr. X.

Make sure you send me the right number.

I copy-pasted it from your email.

And we'll get to that, I promise.

Anyway, he's working on it.

I got confirmation he's working on it.

Okay, good.

All right, well, in the meantime, let's continue with the show.

Let's look at some requested pranks, see what we got here, Milkman.

How about that?

How about them apples?

All right.

And together, I promise you, we can out-educate and out-compete any nation on Earth.

Hey, fuck it!

All right, Gossam, whatever he says.

He sounds more emotional than normal, though, you know?

You know what I mean?

Last time around, he was all cold-collected.

this time he's got a little bit quivering that voice a little angry good give it to him barack

o barry barry obama hussein jr uh we got a number here for the brown win alan black coach in bantam

to what what what do we got here hi and alabama i looked all these up for you read the prank

premise okay nicole beautiful bassinet plays music smoke free home asking smoke free home

home what's a bassinet isn't it a toilet no that's like a thing a baby like like like a like

kind of like a baby bed thing you know it's got you know it's got like the carpet around it where

the baby takes the baby takes a shit there well yeah it's like it's kind of like a little kind

of like a little uh kind of thing you know like it's on legs usually and then they have to get

like the kids okay i got you i got you big guy all right let's try this number again i'm going

going to try the original number here for uh our friend secret source man uh and he sent me a second

number which is his landline but he said it'd be hard to explain why we're calling him on the

landline again we're going to be calling impersonating hotmail uh hotmail security

control machine the person you're calling is temporarily unavailable no worky no worky sir

i'll call this one now here we go trying the landline instead this mailbox is full it can't

accept any more messages uh mr x it's not working again man i don't know it's broken it's not working

all right let's call oh wow moving right along i'm trying man i'm trying to help him out with

this situation it's a secret situation we're not supposed to talk about it involves it involves

money it involves marijuana uh cannabis cannabis oil not just marijuana the oil that comes from

cannabis smoke yeah somebody owes somebody a lot of money for cannabis oil hello yes hi i was

looking for a neat nicole yeah this is iris hi yes sir um good evening i'm sorry to call you

hope it's not too late i understand you had a bassinet that plays music machine i have what

for sale a bassinet machine a bassinet for a baby yeah the the baby sits in the bassinet and plays

plays music and smoke yeah uh-huh okay and that's 35 dollars can you describe the bassinet machine

to me it's it's uh it's it's green and white and i mean i mean it's in mint condition i mean it's

in real good condition i mean and it just does it come with the box and instruction manual and

everything on how to use it no no i don't have any any instructions with it but i mean it's real

simple to put together i mean it just folds down okay all right so then so you put this

say in the bathroom and you fill it with water and then that's where you wash your hands

no no this is just for the baby to sleep in the baby sleeps and you wash your hands and you put

the baby in there is it required do you require that you wash the hands do what is it required

that you wash the hands and everything when you handle it i mean it just you know it's just for

the baby to sleep in and lay in and do you change can you change the baby's poopy diaper in it and

everything or would it be better to take them out before you did that oh i guess it would just

depend on how you wanted to do it all right does this stay the it's green right doesn't pick up

stains and scuff marks and all that well you can probably put a sheet on it and everything okay

um will it handle abuse like if i were to get let's say drunk i was holding the baby i haven't

been drinking and i put a baby in there maybe i kicked it i don't really have time for questions

like this i'm i have a sick baby here on myself so i'm in if you're not interested i'm really not

in the mood to have questions asked like that i'm sorry i sneeze um bless me you could say you know

by the way that'd be nice if you said that do what it'd be nice if you said bless you because

i sneeze well it would be nice if you wouldn't call and ask questions about getting drunk and

and putting a baby in a bassinet, so I'm really going to hang up now

because I'm really not in the mood for phone calls like this.

Thank you.

That's a normal call.

It's not out of the normal.

Come on.

I think I'm getting sick, man.

You know, there's this pregnant woman at work.

This is so disgusting.

You know, the moment a woman gets pregnant, she really should stop working, you know,

and just stay home and watch Oprah, whatever.

Is Oprah even on anymore?

She should watch Oprah.

No, it's O-Network or whatever the hell it is.

Well, Oprah has her own TV station now.

You don't even have to worry about the rest of the day.

Yeah, but you lost $125 million or $150 million this year because she's not doing her show no more.

Yeah, it's a stupid idea.

It's like, you know, whatever.

But what's the minute?

Yeah, but dude, just think how much she is making.

Well, anyway, this pregnant woman, you know, her immune system is already compromised because she's pregnant.

And she gets sick.

Of course she gets sick, right?

And then she comes in and she can't take anything because she's pregnant.

She can't take anything that's going to have any power to get rid of the symptoms or fight the sickness or anything like that.

She can't even take it.

Yeah, they don't let you when you're pregnant.

I think they'll let you take one thing.

I don't even know.

I think it's Zycam or something.

I don't even know what.

It's some bullshit.

It does nothing, you know.

And she comes in.

She comes in.

Not only is she sick, she's not taking care of it at all, you know.

And then now I get sick because of that shit.

And I can't stand it, you know.

And you know I think she's smoking cigarettes

I think I caught her smoking a cigarette today

Milkman and she's pregnant

I'm not joking

I swore and I saw her today out there smoking a cigarette

Out on the fucking balcony at work

I don't know

She's normally a smoker

And I don't know

Maybe she's stressed out and she had a cigarette

I don't know man

That's bad

Makes your baby retarded

Your mom smoked right when you were a baby

Inside her vagina

giant now somebody said claimed that the live stream's down live stream is down that's what

i'm being uh indicated here i'm ripping something let me see what i'm ripping well you're not

ripping the live stream you're ripping the uh the audio stream right yeah you know that's working i

don't know what's going on the video chat is working fine the video or the audio the video

looks to be down actually all the video man yeah hang on let me redo it you're just sitting there

let me redo it should be working now i hope got a fix i shut down i shut down the convention feeds

maybe that was interfering with the bandwidth or something all right all right problem solved

hopefully thank you uh everyone that was really good on you guys i want to thank uh all you guys

who reported that nice and quick milkman good job on your end watching mine in the store you let you

got through to me with important news as fast as possible good work milkman good work all of you

Good work on Madhouse team.

Good work tonight.

Thank you, Marito.

One gold star for all of you.

Share it.

I'm not giving out gold stars like I used to anymore.

You guys abuse the gold star system.

All right, let's see what else we got.

More numbers from Death Fox.

Death Fox sent in that last number.

We got a number here for Brownwind, Allen & Block, Coach & Bantam Chickens.

What?

For sale.

Oh, Black, Koch & Bantam Chickens.

Or is it Coach & Bantam Chickens?

What the fuck?

I have three hands, one rooster, and as of today, six baby chicks.

A seventh is hatching now.

Woo!

Yeah, baby chicken.

Bop, bop, bop.

Fuck you, milkman.

Fuck your call.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Two, zero.

Oh, try it again.

That would have been good.

I was going to ask if I could sacrifice or hunt the chickens.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Fucking chicken guy not answering the phone.

Fucking chicken himself.

He's a big chicken.

big time milkman level chicken hey milkman you ever drink scotch you ever drink scotch man

i'm drinking you ever drink uh i'm drinking johnny johnny walker black label i don't know

if that's oh i don't know that's a good scotch and i just picked it up i didn't want to get

the cheapest johnny walker and i want to get the most expensive one i made money so yeah i think

blue labels is high dollar one is a blue what about red johnny walker red red is black red and

blue i think all right red's the cheap one right or no red's the middle all right there's the black

red i think black is the cheapest and then red oh i got the shit stuff then man i'm not sure

i'm not sure i'm not i'm not a whiskey drinker man i think there's more that yeah but ken says

there's a green one now too he says get the green label t-dog says slow down and it's so

done i mean i mean here i had a last time i looked at blue was like about 200 some dollars

There's a freaking bottle here, Mano.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

I got...

The hell?

You need that and some of your cigar stash, man, and you'll really be rocking.

Yeah, I got almonds here.

Don't worry.

I got some almonds.

It's all good.

DC looks...

That's good.

That lowers your cholesterol, too, man.

There you go.

It tastes good.

I got raw almonds, you know.

Oh, I love almonds, too.

I eat the shit out of them.

I ain't putting my salad.

T-Dog is worried about me.

What's your problem, Tempide T-Dog?

Jesus Christ.

Don't worry about me.

All right, T-Law.

Thank you, man.

Thanks, Dad.

That's my dad.

Is that my dad there?

I'm sorry, Dad.

Anyway, I should do prank calls when I eat.

It's always fun.

It always pisses people off when I call them chewing the whole time.

Is something still going on with the video stream, dude?

Is it down again?

I don't know.

I keep clicking on it, and it's like this constantly, like, I'm not seeing shit.

No, it's working.

Listen.

No, it's working.

Okay.

I got zero bandwidth, I guess.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well.

Well, it's a piece of shit, the video, man.

Hey, let's call this guy Russ McPherson who said,

Subbro, hit me up, yo.

All right?

That's what he said.

I don't know where he said it.

Probably on a Facebook machine.

Let's give him a call.

Dick Peterson.

Russ McPherson.

Russ.

Peterson or is it Peter Dickson

Trying to call is not reachable

What the fuck man

ETS6180

What the fuck man

Pete Dickerson.

That's two bum numbers in a row, sir.

What's the matter, son?

We'll call your bassinet number one more time.

I'll complain and other people won't answer it.

Don't forget, we've got to call the Clown Convention.

Don't forget, Lonesome Loser will be here soon

with some of his numbers also, I'm sure.

First week of the

NFL kickoff

was last night.

Got a hotline directly

in the new news office.

Dallas beat the Giants last

last night. I couldn't believe that.

Tony Romo had a good game.

Lonesome Loser picked up, I think, 42,

47 points last night.

Hey, how's the fantasy football coming, man?

Lonesome Loser's kicking grass already.

Hello? Hello. Hi, Nicole.

Um, I've been trying to call

a few numbers for this bastion and some other

people, and nobody else has got anything.

I'm not picking up the phone.

Well, I mean, I can't help it. Would you like

to talk to my husband?

Well, yeah, sure, I'll talk to him.

Yeah, well, okay. Um, you just

I just woke him up from getting up at 3 o'clock in the morning,

so I'm sure he's going to be real pleased to talk to you.

So here he is.

Awesome, thanks.

Yeah, you need to go straight to hell.

Your mother?

How about your mother go to hell?

Hello?

How about you tell your wife not to be smart with the mouth

talking to men on the phone like that?

What's that?

No.

How about you tell your wife not to get smart with the mouth

with the men on the phone?

You're just telling me to go straight to hell.

What's that?

You call her and come late at night trying to sleep

and asking stupid-ass questions.

She said you woke up from being at work at 3 o'clock in the morning?

So you got home at 3 o'clock and you've been sleeping for 7, how long now?

Like 18 hours?

So you're supposed to be upset with me or something?

I'm calling about the stupid fucking bassinet.

Well, why put down that you're going to sell a bassinet when people call to buy things?

You're complaining that I'm calling too late and all this stuff.

She's the one that posted bassinet for sale.

Why doesn't she put no calls after this time?

Because my husband's an asshole.

Well.

You know what?

Well.

I'm reading here the ad.

If the bassinet's for a kid, if you're a fucking adult enough, you know, to understand about a kid, you know what it is.

You don't call and ask stupid-ass questions.

I thought the bassinet is where you put in the bathroom and you wash your hands.

In the bassinet.

Hopefully you don't know nothing about it.

Well, see, what I'm trying to do is.

You don't know what a bassinet is.

If you don't, then don't call about it.

Well, I'm looking for something to put in the bathroom of my mistress's wife after I have sex with her before I go home.

After I fuck her, I'll put my dick and balls in the bassinet and I'll wash my balls and dick off.

Because it's hard to get them in the sink.

Because you've got to go on your tippy toes and then the water doesn't reach.

So you're doing that thing where you're cupping the water and putting it over your dick and balls and you don't ever get it all.

I was thinking like a bassinet, if I had it at the right level, I could just dip my balls in there and just wash it off a little bit, you know?

Use some lavender, lavender soap.

Hello.

You get up at 3 in the morning to go see your mistress.

You know what I'm talking about.

I know you're not really going to work at 3 in the morning.

You're going to see the other girl, right?

That's cool.

I know who you mean, man.

I got to get up at 3, too.

I'm a working man just like you.

Well.

Maybe you'll be.

Maybe you'll enjoy your sheriff's department after I trace this phone call.

You're going to trace it now?

Yeah.

Should I hold?

Is this instant or do you need a few minutes to trace it?

We're tracing it right now.

Are you telling me what it is, what the number comes up as?

I'll let you know if it's right or not.

What is it?

Do you know how to spell numbers?

You must not be too smart if you have to wake up at 3 in the morning to go to work.

That's usually, you know, like low-class people.

Uh-huh.

0-4-0?

Yeah.

Well, you go ahead and trace that.

0-2-4-0.

Okay.

You got me.

All right.

Well, can I talk to your wife again?

She's gone.

Okay.

Milkman, you ever have to wash your balls in the sink before, Milkman?

You know, we've all been up to that at some point in our life.

Man, there's nothing finer than a nice little line.

It kind of feels good.

You know, you get the water, nice warm temperature.

Not scalding hot, but you get a nice warm temperature.

Yeah.

This is what that little stream of water does inside the bassinet, you know.

Mm-hmm.

You kind of like squat over top of it.

You straddle it, just dip down like you're teabagging it.

Got a little garden spring that comes out, spins around in a circle.

Oh, my God.

Quiet.

All right, let's see what else we got.

I was hoping that guy was going to be angry.

She had me all pumped up for an angry guy.

All right, Jimmy.

Jimmy, make up a joke and try to trade him for something stupid like a redneck.

He will probably rage at me.

For sale, John Deere die-cast cars and trucks.

Two minute and a half pictures.

Most have certificate of authenticity.

Will sell separately or all together.

They are still in original boxes.

All right, cool.

John Deere die-cast cars, Milkman.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I don't run like a deer, man.

That's something I don't see anymore.

You don't see people wearing the John Deere hat.

People don't wear that hat anymore like they used to.

You can get Kubota.

No, man.

That sounds Japanese.

Why would I want that?

Oh, hell, dude.

They got, like, the independent four-wheel drive, man.

These suckers.

They're like, you could actually be farming with that sucker, and it's just a little bit

bigger than...

When you have finished recording.

Yeah, I could wear your light and not more.

Hey, man.

That reminds me.

Where's Tuck been, man?

Huh?

What the fuck?

Where the fuck is Mike Tucker?

Where the hell is Tug at?

Yeah, man, I haven't heard from him for a while either.

Where has he been, man?

Not in the chat, not on Skype, not nothing, man.

Months and months, I didn't see...

What the fuck do you want, Mike Tucker?

I haven't seen him in a long time.

You think he got pissed off?

Gee, I just wonder if he's not holed up somewhere or some chick, man,

or got him a big old sack going on back here.

I don't know, dude.

I haven't seen him for a while.

You know, I kept doing prank calls and telling people that I was Mike Tucker.

Maybe someone tracked him down.

He was like, who is this?

I'm like, I'm Mike Tucker.

I live in Tennessee.

And he's hiding low right now.

Get too much, get too much.

All right, let's try to call him.

Let me get the Galaxy S3, the official cell phone of Madhouse Radio.

Good.

Call him.

Call him on a cell here real quick.

See if he answers.

Good times, too.

I already called a little bit ago, too.

Huh?

Already?

Yeah.

I called my cell.

Mike Tucker.

Well, he said, I think he says he's online, too.

Interesting.

There we go.

Let's give him a call.

I don't know.

I think this is his house number.

Maybe I shouldn't be calling his house number.

I don't know.

It is like 11 o'clock and I'm calling his house.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

Hey, Mike Tucker.

It's your old pal Carlito.

Give me a call sometime.

We're all here sitting around wondering where our good friend Tucker Mike's at.

See you, man.

Bye.

Hi, buddy.

HiBuddies.com.

I don't know.

I don't know where he's at, man.

Just missing.

Maybe he's on a Grateful Dead tour right now.

Well, he posted on his Facebook for the first time in a long time.

uh he usually posts like little videos and stuff but he did a personal post that said you know why

don't you call me anymore not directly to me or anything he just posted it in general i think he's

in emotional distress no plan uh-oh wow maybe andy should maybe andy should message him maybe

all right well no john deere guy he's unanswered we love you man cheer up all right now i don't

understand this mad raven raven uh did we have a is that the girl raven they used it wasn't her

girl named raven used to listen to the show or watch the show yeah that was my girl man i haven't

talked to her for a little bit in a while man she's been kind of busy i don't think this is

the same raven but raven sent in a hotel and wants us to call guests and tell them to view

shooting stars by opening their window curtain i don't know if this is okay this is special

delivery from hotel staff lopa she's beautiful it's a very cryptic and weird prank call request

here i don't even know if i really want to do it sounds like a trap but i'll do it the number they

said it says it's somewhere not even in the united states i'm gonna pass on this because the number's

all formatted wrong i don't understand never mind we got a number for uh the guy that's dating

snooki off of jersey shore someone sent this number in during the week who's jp uh gianni

laval they just had a baby yeah johnny johnny penis okay johnny penis all right you watch you

don't watch that show do you milkman yeah jp is that who you're talking about no jp what are you

talking about jp yeah jp johnny penis asbestos talking to tom on accident thinking it's me

stupid asshole we'll do that again and let it happen again so johnny from the jersey shore

machine apparently has the fax machine oh my oh wow okay they're good thank you whoever sent

sent that in that worked out perfectly hey lonesome losers here yay lonesome thank you god

all right we got a number for johnny rebs a woman answered complain about carlos he's a guy that

works there okay gotcha we got uncle tom's smoke shop or an arab guy answered all right

hey johnny reb and we got another johnny reb here southern johnny rebs southern do these people not

know johnny rebel was like a racist musician isn't that right didn't we used to play a lot

of johnny rebel on this show not a lot but every once in a while but they're redneck horse shit

man all about hey i don't like black people this and this and that yeah i remember that

all their redneck shit man there was this kid always used to tell me boy johnny rebel

johnny cornhole there you go i think i did a prank call with a guy who was a black guy in

alabama and i played that for him yeah yeah um what there's some better songs there the house

next door what's that so you know i'm talking about there's a johnny rebel stories song that's

like the house next door has been sold to negroes oh yeah that's that's the first i heard that on

howard like back in 99 and i cracked my fucking ass up just listen here we go i found it did i

i have oh god didn't i have an intro with that didn't i think i had a madhouse intro right like

we would come back from break and we play that song yeah yeah that was one of them yeah actually

that was like a 2006 somewhere around there maybe yeah oh man i don't know what it'd be called

oh man i couldn't tell you maybe idn let me see it'd be an old one for sure yeah it has to be

around that point in time

because that one

was clear back before

I came back

from the island.

That was one of the first ones.

Yeah, that was way back, man.

That was way back,

way back in the day.

All right, here we go.

I think it's this one.

Show ID in Black Man.

Yeah.

That's got to be it.

The house next door to me

has been sold to niggers.

That house is fire, bitch.

Wow, it's so shitty.

I'm PCU Radio.

Wow.

I'm bringing it back.

Hey, here's a magic...

Johnny Rebel.

awesome all right let's call thank you for calling sambo's uncle tom's uncle tom day that's

another we gotta call sambo see if they change the joke of the day uncle tom's atv repair let's

give him a call i need more ice for my whiskey no man do people do you drink whiskey without ice

or do people do that or you usually have to have ice with it yeah if you like if you like watery

you're just supposed to drink whiskey like sip it right is that that's all you're supposed to do

just sip on it yeah that's the best way that's the best way sure so you got your cigar man i got

puff your cigar and have a little sip um i didn't get a chance i i got busy really busy at work

today and i only had time to go to the cigar shop yesterday i picked up two cigars uh but i i smoked

half of one i kept half of it i didn't get a chance to go to the cigar shop today i go every

day usually so i i have a cigar only have half of it though and my good lighter is in the car

I left it in the car also, but I have a shitty lighter, Athena's shitty torch lighter,

which it doesn't matter at this point.

It's going to taste nasty anyway because it's half burnt.

I got the hand cannon, man.

I'll light that up in a moment.

Psycho.

That's what they say.

Whiskey, cigars, and golf all go together.

That's what I understand.

And pizza.

Ooh, wow.

Whiskey.

Good stuff.

Drinking like a man now, milkman.

I'm going to need ice.

I can't do that by myself.

I'm a pussy.

I admit it, all right?

I need the ice machine.

The ice machine.

I got his real name.

Milkman, his real name now we got.

Thanks to the arm.

Thank you, arm.

Jack Blaster's in the house.

Oh, please leave a message after the tone.

God, that sounds like the fucking, the voice at the monorail at Disney.

Hello.

Please.

Yeah, I was going to say that, and you could have hacked me, and you could have started ripping out the codes on that one.

Yeah, please hold on to the handrails.

That's what it sounded like.

It sounded just like the voice at Disney.

Yeah, please hold on.

Please hold on to the handrails.

The shuttle will be leaving momentarily for the Magic Kingdom and Epcot Center.

It's not called Epcot Center anymore.

Now it's just Epcot.

Have a magic evening.

Have a magical evening.

Please hold on to the handrails.

Actually, no, that's the one from the Orlando Airport.

Please leave a message.

First, I want to thank you for calling.

Yeah, it's the Orlando International Airport that has that voice.

It goes, please hold on to the handrails.

The shuttle will be leaving momentarily for Terminal A, B, and the main lobby.

and it goes i you've met if i remember that fucking thing and it goes like we hope if if

you're if you're headed if you're on the train that's headed from the from the main from the

main lobby towards the terminal it says we hope you enjoyed your stay in central florida you know

like you know and if you're coming in like if you're taking the trolley you're taking the the

monorail from uh the terminal back to the to the main gate main area you know the main hub area

main lobby it'll say welcome to orlando florida and like advertises disney and universal you'll

find a blah blah blah sometimes i miss orlando milkman but most of the times i do not sir

there are some things i miss about the place i miss i miss about what i miss ikea being close

we went to ikea um this last weekend we had to drive two hours to get to fucking ikea man

Uh-huh.

But we did it.

I miss Ikea being 15, 20 minutes away with traffic.

Yeah.

And I used to get really high.

Like, remember?

I used to get really.

Walk in there, too.

Dude, blaze.

And, like, it was awesome.

Why is this making?

This is not supposed to be making fucking ringtones.

Fucking Skype.

I would get really high.

And the first thing I would do, I would make a beeline for the cafe, right?

And I would buy, like, four orders of meatballs.

And I'd stuff myself full of meatballs because I had the munchies, like serious munchies.

And then I'm going to go back downstairs to the beginning.

I had to do it from start to end.

You know, then I'd go back downstairs, take it all over downstairs, and I'd start.

And I'd go, you know, you go through all the little living room sections, and I'd sit down.

I'm high off my ass.

I'm sitting there like, oh, yeah.

Once you get to the beds, man, the foam bed.

I don't like Ikea beds.

I love their kitchens.

I love their living rooms.

And I love the kitchen stuff, like the gadgets.

You know, like the cooking utensils and the pots and pans.

That shit's cool.

I don't like their bedding.

I don't like their sofas.

I think their sofas and their beddings are all tacky.

But I love their living room sets.

I love their kitchen sets.

What else do I like at Ikea?

The office furniture is cool.

That stuff is cool.

But the bedding and couches and sofas and chairs,

I'm not a big fan of...

I'll tell you, I find them kind of tacky.

All the beds are too low to the ground.

They're that European style, you know?

They're low to the ground.

I don't like that.

I like being high.

When I'm sleeping, I like to be high off the ground.

I don't like to be so close to the ground.

Because it gets cold, man.

It gets cold.

Fucker.

Uncle Tom's Cabin.

This is in Fresno, California.

Milkman, over there.

Close to you.

Yeah.

Not too far, man.

Go there now.

You, Uncle Tom.

Uncle Tom's Cabin.

Yeah, listen, you Uncle Tom cracker.

You hear me?

What's that?

You're a sellout.

How come?

Because you're an Uncle Tom.

This is Uncle Tom's, right?

Nuh-uh.

This is Uncle Tom's cabin?

No.

Who's this?

I'm calling for Uncle Tom's cabin.

Who is this?

What place is this?

You called me.

This isn't Uncle Tom's.

Who is this, then?

Who are you?

You called me.

I'm Cross.

You're who?

Cross.

I don't know you.

Well, I got his number here.

It says Uncle Tom's.

Goodbye.

Uncle Tom's cabin.

haven't ain't nobody here but those chickens that's ain't no one here but those chickens

ain't nobody here but those field negroes oh man i can't believe i did a whole show about

house negroes and field negroes god damn it man telling you what boy here we go so lonesome is

looking for numbers for Uncle Tom and Johnny Rebel. Perfect. You can tell someone's conflicted

inside their heart. That's pretty nice. Yeah, listen, you sell out, Uncle Tom. This is Uncle

Tom, right? No, he's at the house. What do you mean? You just said it's Uncle Tom when

you answered the phone. It's Uncle Tom. So you're a sellout, Uncle Tom, then? No. Yes,

you are. Listen, why do you sell out your people like this? Well, hello? Monkey. Stupid

Stupid asshole monkey shit.

Milkman, what is it with you?

No one wants to submit.

It's Uncle Tom.

This is Uncle Tom.

No.

It's twice in a row.

This ain't no Uncle Tom.

What are you talking about?

I'm not Uncle Tom.

God.

Big deal.

So what?

You're an Uncle Tom.

Admit it.

We've got more requested pranks coming in.

We'll be getting to that in a moment.

We've got more numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser also.

Just wanted to apologize.

I'm behind on the requested pranks.

I am behind on the podcast again.

Whoops, my bad.

But I'll get to it.

Look, man, the cigar won't light.

Huh?

It's not lighting.

It has too much ash at the end of it.

Hang on.

Uh-oh.

Long ashes?

Lashes.

I have long lashes.

Girls like that about me.

I have nice long lashes.

Yeah, don't be a asshole.

As the girls say, they like my long, my eyes, eyes.

Look, man, you were making this noise last week.

What are you doing?

What is that?

What are you doing?

You did this last week on the show, and it drove me nuts.

It sounds like you're messing with cellophane.

Oh, okay.

I didn't hear that.

I better change the channel back.

Are you self-asphyxiating yourself again?

Jerking off?

I like to see...

I like to jerk myself out when I'm jerking off.

I like to see tunnel vision when I'm jerking off in orgasm.

You gotta do Chuck Bosherson voice.

Sorry about the pause there.

I was lighting my cigar.

That was Milkman's turn to jump in with something funny,

and he made a quick joke and didn't continue.

Sleeping at the wheel like Nunu.

We got a number for Bucca di Beppo.

I don't know if you've ever been to one.

That's a great restaurant.

That's another thing I miss about Orlando, having a bucca di beppo.

Two of them in town.

Oh.

You ever been to one of those, man?

No, but I like how far you look, though.

Bucca di beppo is an Italian restaurant.

Uh-huh.

And you should go with more than, you can go with two people.

But the best way that goes with a large group, like four or more people, right?

And what you do is you order off the menu, but everything is like serving for four or six or eight.

So, like, if you order the lasagna and they bring out a massive, large lasagna, that fades.

You know, so what you do is everyone picks one or two things.

And they bring it out and you eat family style.

Everyone takes a bit of this, a bit of that.

It's like an Italian family eating at home, basically.

It's a really cool experience.

Yeah, it's cool.

It's like, you know, tapas?

You know what tapas are?

I don't like tapas.

I'm not a big fan of tapas style.

That's a Spanish thing where the restaurant has three kitchens or whatever.

And everyone orders something

And you all share

It's like little plates of something

It's stupid I hate tapas

It's so expensive it's so stupid

And they got this place where you cook your own meat

The fuck is that about

There's a Korean place in Orlando where you have to cook your own meat

You know

They bring out this fucking charcoal thing

And they bring out raw meat

And you gotta cook it yourself and all this shit

The fuck is that

Yeah and it's expensive as hell

It's more expensive and you're doing all the work

Just bring it out here

We'll light this table on fire for you

Here's some raw meat

The fuck is that about

Now I will tell you in north of Orlando

There's this place

It's called Dillion Springs right

It's a natural spring that you go swimming in

And there's nothing

In Florida I would

In a heartbeat I would go

Instead of going to the beach

With the salt water and the waves

and the fucking dirty fish and the sharks and all that shit instead of jellyfish yeah jellyfish

stinging your legs and all that and the fucking people uh being assholes on the beach and shit

instead of that you can go to the springs and like especially like north of orlando there's a lot of

springs and the water comes out naturally from the ground it's clear fresh water from under the

ground purified water it's you know like the that bottled water that you buy like zephyrhills and

deer park same water just but imagine bathing in it right so there's this place dillion spring so

they took the natural spring and they walled it off like a pool with cement

it's it's a sand

It's a sand floor, but it's walled off like a pool on the outside.

And they got picnic tables and all this stuff.

But you go, dude, on a hot day, it is the most relaxed.

You come out and your skin feels so smooth and stuff because you've been swimming in

fucking spring water, you know?

Mineral water.

Yeah, basically.

Super hot mineral water.

Yeah.

It's not even hot.

It's cold.

You got a cool one?

It's cold.

It's like ice cold, man.

You get in, it's ice, ice cold.

Is there anything like the Crystal River and like Homosassa Springs?

Probably, yeah, that same thing.

All those springs are the same, the same system.

They're all linked to the same.

Okay, yeah, I swam all those, man, when I got my diving card.

Well, yeah, anyway, listen.

The cool thing is this one spring, they have this ancient Spanish sawmill

from back in like the 1500s, and it's still there,

but instead of what they did, this family bought it

maybe like a hundred years ago and they built a restaurant inside it's a pancake restaurant

and all the tables you know like the hibachi style japanese thing where you sit down and

they cook in front of you you know i'm talking about teppanyaki yeah yeah that but instead of

that they have the same yeah i mean not you know i mean the real bullshit you're talking about the

bullshit at benihana like benihana and kobe that bullshit yeah basically it's it's that's actually

for sure yeah i know i know but it's those same tables and everyone sits around the table that's

really it's a grill and they don't cook for you though what they do is they bring out batter

they bring out pictures of batter and they bring out eggs and they bring out bacon if you want and

they bring out all your toppings they bring out the apples and all this shit and you make your

own pancakes you bring out the spray the pam spraying shit no shit oh dude it is so awesome

We would sit there.

We'd make massive, huge pancakes and put everything in them.

You can make your pancakes, and then you make your bacon.

I'd like an omelet.

You can make an omelet.

Yeah, sure.

They tell you, do you want scrambled eggs or do you want the whole eggs?

You say, bring me a pitcher of scrambled eggs.

Here you go, a pitcher of scrambled eggs.

You want cheese?

Yeah, sure.

What kind of cheese do you want?

Cheddar?

Here's your cheddar cheese.

You pay one price to get in.

You're like, you want bacon?

Sure, I'll take bacon.

They bring you a thing of bacon.

You just throw it on the grill and cook it.

But the pancakes, you know, they have the wheat pancakes and the regular pancakes, you know.

And then, you know, they bring out the apple cinnamon stuff if you want to mix it in.

Oh, it's so, the chocolate chips and all that shit.

Yeah, it's awesome, dude.

That place is the bomb.

That's another place I miss from back home.

Back home.

I'm going to make a place like that here in Pennsylvania.

There's no place that I know of like that.

Make your own pancakes, man.

Awesome.

That sounds good.

I love pancakes, man.

There's nothing better than pancakes.

pancakes everyone you gotta eat no one can say they don't like pancakes i don't know who you are

good for you man not really man it's a lot of flour and one jack masterson's favorites yeah

all right and uh let's call uncle tom's quick stop where a mexican guy answered he's probably

gonna say we're no no we're no we're no uncle tom here hey that's the rap music

yeah i want to hear mush mouth man you got that album

hey how you doing is this uncle tom's quick stop and ice machine what is up with what is it with

uncle i what did i say milkman right i i don't think they're in the ice there man i think they're

anti-ice ice he said ice he said uncle tom's ice that's what he said did he say that maybe he said

Uncle Tom's rice.

I don't know.

Uncle Ben's rice.

They got coffee

with the name

Uncle Tom's.

Why doesn't

I just hang up

the phone

as soon as I say that?

Fucking idiot.

Scared the shot.

Pancakes over there,

Milkman?

What's going on?

Huh?

You having pancakes

over there?

I'm having coffee, dude.

You having pancakes

over there, Milkman?

Oh.

Perfect.

No, no, no.

I want some.

Listen.

So that pancake

talking reminds me

when I was a kid.

I used to have

Saturday mornings

my parents would

but my parents always had this church group thing

that was Saturdays, 8 o'clock until noon.

So every morning from when I was in middle school,

like sixth grade up until I was 17, let's say,

I had Saturday mornings to myself.

So I'd wake up and I'd watch some cartoons

and then I'd make my own breakfast.

And I'll never forget the first, what's the sandwich?

What is it called when you take the sandwich

sandwich and you dip it in pancake batter what's that called again del fresco pancake batter

no no no no no no not tempura there's a sandwich style where you dip you dip the sand you make a

sandwich you dip it in pancake batter and you put that you know what i'm talking about what's the

fuck is that called wow man never heard of that one oh man it's good i was making pancakes i was

getting ready to make pancakes and i just happened to look at the box and it had this recipe it's

It's like you make a sandwich, and you dip it in the pancake batter.

It's a French style, and you dip it in pancake batter,

and then you put that on the grill.

Oh, man, I remember the first.

Monte Carlo, yes, DJ 10.

Thank you, DJ TIN.

You got a gold star, and I'm not fucking crazy.

Monte Carlo style, milkman.

What the hell is that crazy shit, man?

It's good is what it is.

And, you know, as a matter of fact, if you go to California Pizza Kitchen,

they have a version of it.

Oh, dude, it's awesome, man.

Monte Carlo sandwich.

Monte Carlo.

Yeah.

Monte Carlo, man.

How the hell do you get the dough to cook that quick, man?

Wouldn't that be like all deli?

No, you're just dipping it like French toast.

You're just getting a slight layer of pancake batter on the sandwich.

You know, and then you put that.

Then it's good.

It's good stuff, man.

What kind of sandwich is it, Tim?

I'm trying to imagine.

It sounds disgusting, but what kind of sandwich is it?

Any sandwich.

I did a bologna sandwich.

Probably, I guess I did a bologna sandwich.

I don't know.

You can make whatever.

And you just dip it in pancake.

cake so just you like a little bit of pancake i'll be a new sandwich oh my god i'm gonna have

to google it now just to get you to understand let me see this there's got to be a story behind

the monty carlo let's see let's see monty i always like city chicken that was good monty

carlo there we go monty carlo milkman and monito carlito milkman i want you to make one of these

this weekend you're gonna love it bro bro i'm telling you there we go monty carlo disambiguation

Let's see.

You've got to find a sandwich.

Special events.

Food.

Monte Carlo.

Trademark.

That's not right.

Monte Carlo stock.

Oh, man.

Oh, they're cooking it now.

Oh, here we go.

It's Monte Cristo.

Monte Cristo, not Monte Carlo.

You know what?

Milkman, take that gold star back from who got that?

DJ10?

You're wrong.

You're wrong, man.

It's Monte Cristo.

Here we go.

Monte Cristo, a fried ham and cheese sandwich.

the cheese uses a memento or a gruyere the sandwich regional varieties include sliced

turkey with the ham and cheese the sandwich is deep in egg batter and fried in some regions

of the united states is grilled and some regions is served as an open sandwich with only the bread

battered it can also be served as an open sandwich using french toast as a base well come on it's

This is supposed to be a pancake.

Well, whatever.

Well, the recipe I follow had you dip it in pancake batter.

But I guess you could do it with egg instead, you know, scrambled egg.

But, yeah, basically you take the sandwich and you dip it in egg or pancake batter

and you grill it or you fry it and you eat it.

You deep fry it?

You can deep fry it if you want.

I wouldn't like to do that.

It gets too oily.

I'd be, like, drenched in all that.

No, I wouldn't deep fry it.

I would just put it on the grill like you're making a French toast,

and then the inside's all melty and warm.

You've got to eat that with a fork and knife, though.

That's a fork and knife sandwich right there, Milkman.

You can't just, you know.

Fried ham and cheese sandwich.

Oh, man.

Yeah, like a fried bologna sandwich.

Fried bologna sandwich.

You ever have that?

Fried bologna?

Oh, yeah.

That's real good food there, dude.

Yeah.

Well, I'm telling you.

Fried bologna with mustard.

I'm telling you that the recipe I followed was a pancake batter,

her and it was delish okay nuna says nuna says this is a prank show not fat bastard milkman show

milkman's a fat bastard oh one time me and my bro were banging this broad and she asked my bro

you like the cleveland steamer my bro was like hell yeah and she stood up top of the glass table

and shat while my bro jacked it underneath that's bookapoo for you bookapoo all right thank you good

Good God.

Cleveland Steamers, man.

They've been there.

They've happened on this show live a few times.

I believe so.

Nunu, I know you eat, Nunu.

Nunu always comes.

Crazy fucker says Carlito loves tube steak.

What an asshole, that guy.

I don't think that's a real crazy fucker, dude.

Have you actually talked to this new one?

Take away his voice, please.

Take away his voice, Chevron, there.

If you don't, crazy fucker, put him on voice timeout, please.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

All right, let's get some more prank calls here

because obviously we can't talk about food for more than five minutes

when people say, you're fucked, asshole.

We got a number for Goopreet Nigger.

Okay.

And British Columbia, someone has the last name N-I-G-G-E-R.

An Arab woman answered here, confirmed by Lonesome the Loser.

Let's give them a call.

Yeah, here we go.

Crappy show tonight.

Anyway, Lonesome, you got lucky with Tony Romo.

When I saw you pick Tony Romo in the draft, I was like, oh, man,

what a shitty pick.

I think 42, 47 points.

Yeah.

I wish the Cowboys would go to the Super Bowl now.

I'd be so pissed off.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is this Mr. Niger?

Yeah.

Good.

Gooperit?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Yes, I had some questions about Ramadan and what you are supposed to do and not do.

Could you help me out with that?

Do you follow Ramadan?

Ramadan, folks.

Are we in the middle of Ramadan?

Are we in Ramadan right now?

No, we're way off.

Ramadan's not good.

I don't think I have the voice of the faithful.

Hello?

Hey, stupid.

Listen, why'd you hang up the phone, you monkey?

What?

Who is this?

Yes, Pooni

Hello?

Hello!

What's your problem?

What?

What's your problem, you stupid bitch?

You stupid bitch, shut up

People learn young, don't they?

Do you read the Quran?

What the hell is yours?

The Quran, you know what the Quran is?

The book, the Quran

What the hell is this?

Me, but you stop phoning.

Do you eat pork?

Hello?

My whole family is going to see what you do.

Would you put your parents on the phone, stupid?

Hello, what?

Stupid shit.

Would you put your parents on the phone?

I get a lot.

I don't have to get something on our TV.

You don't, man.

You're stupid.

Put your father on the phone, asshole.

Why?

Because you're a...

Are you a girl or a boy?

Are you a little girl or a little boy?

Tell me.

Me?

No.

Food.

Got it.

Oh, man.

You see what that kid made me do?

I burned a hole through my pop filter, milkman.

Look.

Oh, shit.

I burned a fucking hole in my pop filter.

Oh, my God.

Now, see, that's what happens with children without guidance these days.

Damn it.

Burnt a hole right...

What's that little punk's name, anyway?

I don't know.

Goopreet Nigger.

Shit.

Sambo.

Damn it, man.

Sambo.

Dang it.

Goopreet Sambo.

All right.

Buka to Beppo.

In Honolulu, Hawaii, we got that here also.

Here we go.

Little young Sambo was brought, man.

Well, thanks for calling Buka to Beppo, Honolulu.

This is Chad speaking on us.

Hello, Chad.

I'm sorry, sir.

Is this Chad?

I'm sorry.

Chad, is this Chad?

Yeah, it is.

Hey, Chad.

My name is Cross.

How are you?

I'm sorry.

This is Jack Masterson.

Yes, sir.

I had an incident there.

This is the Vook of the Vepo, right?

Right.

On Oahu Street.

Oh, I had a problem.

I went in there, and these people made fun of me.

Right.

Chad, I went in and I went in to order for the, you know, the big recipe that you have there.

That's the macaronis.

Sir, I can barely understand you. Is there any way you can speak clear?

This is how I talk. I weigh 450 pounds. I weigh 450 pounds.

Oh, and what did you want, sir?

I went in and these people made fun of me.

Oh, which people?

The Hawaiian people that were there.

Oh, they made fun of you here at work?

Yes.

Oh, um, do you know who the people were that made fun of you?

The stupid, some stupid Hawaiian people.

Oh, that was sitting next to you guys, or?

No, the sitting next to me.

And then they brought the waiter over and they said, we don't want to sit next to this fat man.

And the waiter was like, I know, it's disgusting that.

Oh, really?

They said, I know, the person said to the waiter, how do you let disgusting people like this hurt?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, did you want to talk to the manager, sir, about your problem?

Yes.

Okay, can I just get a name, please?

This is Jack Masterson.

Jack? Okay, give me one second, Jack.

Okay.

Mr. Bryan, can I help you?

My name is Jack, and I went in there to eat, and these rude people sat next to me.

I'm sorry?

I went in there to eat, and these rude people sat next to me.

Oh, was it recently, or?

It was yesterday.

Yesterday.

And I discussed it with my mom, and she said I should call the report and tell you you need to run a reversal on the credit card because it's not for how it's treated.

And that if you don't, that I'm going to make a lawsuit on you, and I'm going to call the TV and the newspaper.

Okay.

When did you come?

Do you have your receipt with you, sir?

I have to look for it.

And I think I left it there because I was so embarrassed.

The people that sat next to me, they accused me of eating, being ugly and gross.

And they called the waiter over, and they said it real loud so I could hear it.

They didn't even try to keep it quiet.

They called this guy.

His name was Chad.

Right.

And they said, they asked, what was your name?

And he said, Chad.

So I wrote that down, and I kept it in my papers.

and then they said they said why do you let this uh disgusting man like this he's so big and he's

eating so much and he came here and they he said yeah i know it's disgusting but we have to let

we're supposed to let everyone come in who wants to come in right can i have your name sir and he

apologized uh he said i'm sorry that he's bothering you i'm sorry that you're disgusted

it and the right the woman said she felt like throwing up and he said that he understood because

i was so big and i ate so much and he understood that right okay i asked sir what was your name

my name is jack jack jack matthewson can you spell your last name please m-a-s-t-e-r-s-o-n

N.

S-O.

N.

Oh, hey.

It's S-O-L.

N.

And your phone number?

I'm from out of town.

I'm visiting.

Okay, I can take your number.

Let me get it for you.

Hang on.

I'm on a cell phone that I rented because my normal cell phone doesn't work in Hawaii.

Okay, what was that number?

You have to give me a moment.

I have to go into the papers from AT&T real quick.

Okay, no problem.

Why did the man say that, that he thought I was disgusting, that he agreed with them?

He agreed with them, and he said he was sorry that he refunded the people's money and everything.

And then I said I was embarrassed because there were kids who were making fun of me,

and they were throwing salt and pepper at me and everything.

Okay, I mean, I will document it then.

They took a picture from the wall that was there, and it was an obese woman.

Right.

And they said, oh, look, it's your girlfriend.

They said that to me.

And then Chad was laughing.

Okay, well, I need a phone number to get back in touch with you.

Okay, here we go.

Two, one, okay.

Like I said, I will make a report about it, though.

Okay, I want you to reverse the charges, please.

Sir, I would need to check for it, and I need to look it up.

So I'll give you a call back.

Do you have a computer at home?

I have to look into it.

We don't have the accessibility right now.

I want you to take care of it now or there's going to be big trouble.

I'll give you a call back, sir.

How long is it going to take?

Honestly, I have to look up the information.

I'm writing up the report right now.

What's your name?

Okay.

My name is Brian.

Brian is refusing to listen to my story.

Brian is making fun of me.

Brian is threatening me.

Hello.

I'm going to call back.

Brian.

Hello.

This is Selena.

How may I help you?

I'm writing all this down, what your people are doing to me.

What was your name?

I'm so sorry, what?

What's your name?

My name is Selena.

Selena, answer the phone.

I need to talk to Brian, please.

Okay, I'll see if he's available.

Can I ask your name, please?

This is Jack Mastershead, and I'm adding you to the lawsuit also.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay.

It's starting to hurt my mouth.

Yeah.

This is going to take a long time.

He's calling back another phone.

Yes, hi, is this Jack?

I'm on the other line trying to talk to you.

Excuse me?

I'm on the other phone line trying to get a hold of you.

Okay, you got disconnected. I was trying to call you back.

Why did you hang up the phone?

We got disconnected.

I'm writing this down.

Okay.

Ryan disconnected, hung up the phone on me, and is refusing to take responsibility.

Okay, what did you find out?

No, I'm just calling you back because we got disconnected.

I'm taking care of this entire situation.

Okay.

I'm monitoring the call.

I'm listening to what's going on.

I'm talking to Selena, and Selena just told me to shut up, she said.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

And what else?

Are you going to hang up the phone on me again?

What do you like, sir?

I'm trying to get a hold of Selena now.

Aloha.

Thank you for calling Bucca di Baffano Lewis.

Chad speaking.

I'm helping you today.

Is this Chad?

Yes, sir.

Chad, you're in big trouble.

I have your manager, Ryan, on the other line, and he heard everything you did.

I'm sorry?

I have Chad.

Chad, hang up the phone.

No, don't hang up the phone, Chad. Don't do it. Don't listen to him.

Chad, Chad, are you guilty or not guilty?

Ryan? Ryan.

Ryan's gone.

Chad terminated the call.

They can't do security.

Chad terminated the call. That's awesome.

Oh, man.

Chad, hang up.

Chad, you're the reason this is all happening. Hang up the phone.

I dropped my marker on the floor. Hang on.

Hello, this is Selena. How may I help you?

Oh, Selena, you hung up the phone on me?

me? I didn't hang up the phone on you.

Well, where's Brian at?

Just tell him that we'll be making a report.

Is this Mr. Masterson?

Yes. Okay, yeah.

Brian's my boss. He just told me to let you know

he is going to file a report.

He's going to take care of it. I command you

to put him on the phone. I'm sorry?

I command you. I order you to put him on

the phone. You command

me to what? To put him on the phone.

Damn it. Ken, you're right.

Some women do like being commanded.

I'm not going to do that.

like that hello ah we're permahold as we used to call it back oh i think he just hung up too

shit let's call him the other line man hello this is brian how may i help you brian i was

holding on the line for you i ordered uh selena to put you on the phone okay and what can i help

you with sir i want to get more information about you for my report that i'm typing up here

okay that's fine my name is brian i'm the general manager all right and what's your id number there

for the company. I don't have an ID

number, sir. My name is Brian. I'm the general

manager. What store number is this?

Uh-huh. Bucca di Peppo in Honolulu.

That's the only one in here in Honolulu?

Yes. You're in big trouble,

Brian. I hope you understand.

Okay. I'm going to be in touch with you. Who's your

superior officer? Okay.

Thank you very much. Who's your superior officer,

goddammit? Okay, I'm sorry.

I order you to give me... I don't have to listen to you.

What's your social security number?

I don't have to listen to you.

My message gets all frustrated, sir.

I want to know Brian's social security number right now.

Tell him I asked for that.

Well, they hung up.

All right.

They're trying to guess in a chat room if she's hot or not.

They're playing hot or not in the chat room right now.

Hello, Ken.

Is it just me or is Brian and Chad got a little thing going?

I think so.

Brian, Chad, and Selena, they're by.

A little Brokeback Mountain shit going on.

Selena watches.

Did you have any players in yesterday's show, yesterday's game?

Yeah, Miles Austin played.

He got me 17.

I had a good game last night.

You know who else had a good game that I passed on in the draft was Des Bryant.

You know, I almost took him, too.

And I fucking didn't.

I think I'm beating you right now 17-7.

Yeah, you actually projected over me on points right now.

That's only because I changed my tight end.

It don't mean shit.

Yeah, because Hakeem Nicks played like shit.

He was hurt.

He's got a bum foot.

I almost didn't put Austin in because he didn't play any preseason.

He's had a bum fucking hamstring.

Look at that.

Yeah, the hamstring's bullshit.

Hamstring injuries are bullshit.

You get a little bit of adrenaline in you, you can run right through a hamstring injury.

Look how many players were sitting out this year with bullshit injuries

just so they didn't have to play preseason.

That's what they do.

Nobody wants to get there because look what happened last year in the preseason.

A bunch of people got hurt before the season even started.

They were out for weeks and weeks at a time.

They didn't do that shit.

I'm going to be conflicted as hell on Sunday sitting there watching my Lions going,

Yeah, Stanford going up.

Fuck!

Carlitos got him as his quarterback.

back son of a bitch yeah that's right man all right well here we are let's get to you do some

more prank calls having a good old time madhouse radio madhouse live.com is a website i never got

to that but request a prank is there milkman you're a big fan of request a prank you use it

all the time you paid uh milkman paid that guy quite a bit of money to set up our new request

prank forum it's awesome absolutely man crank him up uses flash the best in flash technology

I sent you a prank request over Yahoo Messenger there, Carlito, for Uncle Tom's Tavern in Alaska.

We've called them before, and they've been pretty fucking rowdy.

Yeah, the guy and the girl the week after that was abroad there.

It was pretty cool.

Oh, hey, I also wanted to mention this week in the realm of technology.

Yesterday, the Lumia, the new Lumia phone from Nokia, the Windows Phone Milkman.

I don't know if you saw that.

Did we lose Milkman?

Yeah, we did lose Milkman.

Milkman is MIA.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

That's some false advertising.

He told me to enjoy the music and then he didn't fucking play any.

Right?

It's another thing.

He needs to speak with his fucking phone carrier.

Yeah, because they sent milk back.

What happened with your, um, whenever you called, we used to get, um,

Jimi Hendrix when we used to call you.

And now it says, you know, please enjoy the music while your party is reached.

And it just rings.

Did you, um, what happened with that?

You got to look into that, man.

man. You're probably paying monthly for the ring number,

the ring song, and you're not getting it,

man. You gotta call Sprint.

Look, man. You didn't know that?

I guess you don't call yourself often, do you?

You probably didn't know. Yeah, but

God, it's been like a few, like maybe six months now

that whenever I call your number, it doesn't play

Jimi Hendrix. Oh, it doesn't?

No, it says

please enjoy the music

while your party's reached, and it just

rings. What? The motherfuckers,

you haven't been paying them, too? Really? For six months?

It's been like six

It's gotta be at least that

Every time I hear you call him

It just rings in, no music

No music at all

Oh man

Dude, you better get some credit

I'm not complaining now

You're gonna tell him that you want the iPhone

I'm gonna tell him

You better credit my account, man

Tell him I want the iPhone

iPhone 5

Anyway, Milkman, I was trying to mention to you

I don't know if you saw in the Rumble Technology

yesterday microsoft and nokia announced their the new windows phone the lumia nine something

something uh i'm not impressed i must say my uh myself it's it's a windows phone and it looks

like a shit um the interface is shit and supposedly has a good camera an hd something

camera touch smooth touch smooth vision super eye camera and and there's no blur when you

You slide the screens across the touchscreen, but it's bullshit.

On top of that, Milkman, I finally got around over the weekend, this last weekend.

I finally installed Windows 8 in a virtual machine on my new computer.

Yeah.

It's stupid.

Windows 8 sucks, man.

Yeah, it's like a shitty Apple iOS thing.

It's like a shitty version of Windows 7.

It's like, let's take Windows 7 and make it impossible to get to the desktop and to the control panel and to your applications.

That's what it is.

To get to the start, you know, like normally now, you click on start, right, to get your apps?

Yeah.

The start button is gone.

You got to put your mouse on the very bottom left corner and hover your mouse for like a second,

and then it comes up with a little button that you click,

and it's this full screen thing with colorful tiles and all this shit impossible man yeah

get here's the other thing i'm sitting there i'm like i need to reboot this how do i reboot how do

you be reboot windows 8 you know and and windows since since since i first used windows since i

first used windows and like windows 3.1 start shut down right that's it right to restart windows

or shut down your computer you click on start you click on shut down it comes up you do reboot or

shut down or log off or sleep whatever you want to do now you gotta you look now you gotta you

gotta hit can you gotta hit windows key plus c and it comes up with the charms menu on the right

side then you gotta then you click on settings then you click on power then you then you do

reboot you gotta go like through five steps to reboot or turn off the fucking computer

let's take the most simple fucking settings we ever had and just say fuck that i i could i didn't

know i was like how the fuck do we start warming that warm out seeing it i'm going to the to the

start the metro interface i'm looking for reboot restart can't find it i had to google it i had

to google that i'm like i gotta google to find out how to turn the fucking computer off fucking

retarded it i'll tell you windows 8 it'll be great if you have a tablet or a cell phone

beautiful it works like a charm if you're on a desktop just uh i don't know you'd be better off

just keep a windows 7 it's ridiculous i don't think it's going to take off man and the thing

is microsoft is putting all their chips in and windows 8 they're going balls to the wall with

windows 8 this time around and i unless unless unless they're figuring no one's going to use

desktop anymore and they're going to use touchscreens that's the only thing i could

What about that new Google that's coming out, man, that new Google book?

Ah, new Google book?

I don't know.

Well, here's, and then today, Amazon did their announcement, the new Kindles, three new Kindles, Milkman.

So here's, and I'm kind of excited about this, the high-end Kindle.

It's the same size as the iPad for $200 cheaper, $299.

and it's it's got a sd card slot it's got a bunch of improvements it has the the same resolution as

the new ipad i think it's it maybe has four or less pixels per inch i think it's 25 instead of

28 pixels per inch something like that beautiful beautiful looking piece of hardware here's the

the kicker for two for two hundred dollars more for the same price as the 499 ipad you can get

the new high-end uh amazon uh kindle fire it comes with lte right and for for 50 a year you get lte

service 50 a year you get lte on it like the data plan now it's capped at 250 megs which doesn't

make any sense to me it's good like i guess what they they figure is you stay on wi-fi as much as

you can but if you're out on the road and you want to check your email real quick you can jump on the

lte and maybe download a kindle book real quick or you can check your email or do some browsing

a little bit but you don't want you don't want to do any video because you're capped monthly 250

250 megs a month but dude 50 50 a year no contract or anything like that just 50 a year

for, you know, high-speed LTE.

Not bad for $400.

That's not bad at all.

And I think it's 64 gig.

I think it's a 64 gig storage on it.

And you can expand that, I'm pretty sure, with a micro.

As a matter of fact, which you can't do on the iPad.

So we're all going to have to see what Apple does now

because Apple's announcement is next Wednesday on September 12th.

Apple is going to probably redo the iPhone, iPhone 5.

It doesn't look any different, apparently, from what I understand, though.

It's going to be pretty much the same thing.

A lot of people are speculating it might not do as good as the other iPhones

because there's not much of a difference.

But they're also talking about an iPad mini coming out, Milkman.

I know you're excited about that.

A mini pad.

That's the whole thing.

Yep.

Ooh, line up, ladies.

Yeah.

A big disappointment in the tech world, they were expecting an Amazon phone.

It did not get announced.

announced but apparently that's coming out soon too amazon kindle phone or amazon's going to

release a phone apparently pretty soon so i guess they use that amazon credit card then you could

start using that phone you know well that's the thing with amazon what they're doing they're

they're they're taking a loss on the new kindles uh when they sell it because they know you're

going to get on there and the way amazon is set up you're going to go on there you're going to

be buying the books and buying the music and amazon has their own app store you know so they

it's kind of like with the video game consoles

like Microsoft and

Sony and Nintendo they always take

a loss on the hardware

when they sell you the console but they make their money up

when you start buying the little apps and the

downloaded games and content in the

games themselves they get a cut

from the

third parties and all that

stuff so pretty exciting

times when it comes to tech and technology

and all this stuff now Nunu

saying this is prank show not geeky milkman

Pillock, boring show.

Ah, Milkman.

Boring, geeky Pillock.

I was just about to ask you, Carlito,

take a wild guess at who's bitching in the chat room.

Yeah, man, I can't wait for the Zappos phone.

He probably got pissed last week.

We didn't call UK.

We were too busy with Zappos.

Zappos.

I wonder if they did change that fucking joke of the week this week.

We'll check it out before the end of the show.

I hear they should change Zappos to Zambos.

That's what they should change the name of.

It was funny when that chick opened that whole fucking can of worms

With that joke that she told us

Like oh wait a minute

I said that joke all week man

For the last seven days I've been telling people that joke

Like ho ho ho

Like it's funny

She tried to get a little bit sexual with it

But oh wait a second now

Then we really got offended

Alright well let's continue on

Doing some more prank calls here

You know I wouldn't do it for Nunu

But for Lonesome Loser

and for DeathFox and everyone else in the chat room,

I'll do prank calls for you guys.

All right?

How's that sound?

All right.

Good.

DeathFox said he sent some confirmed numbers to Lonesome Loser already.

Yeah, I saw that.

The one he sent in a number for an Indian restaurant called Taste of India.

When he called the guy, he was really rude.

Bando phone.

Yep.

But I don't have the number, though.

Lonesome.

Oh, where is it?

DeathFox said he sent the number for an Indian.

Oh.

Oh, okay, he did.

All right, let me check.

Let me check.

Let me refresh the request of pranks here.

Welcome to the Sambo Network.

We should change Sambo to Sambo.com.

We got some Tabachi numbers also.

Tabachi's sending in some request of pranks.

That's good.

All right, Death Fox, Taste of India in California.

We got their number here.

All right, good.

Good, woo, San Diego, Republic of San Diego.

What was that?

Remember that place in San Diego?

What was that?

Wasn't there a cigar shop in San Diego to call and they get all about the Cohibas?

You get mad at me.

What was that place called?

Ah, shit, I love to call that place.

Forgot the name of that place.

So our chat room, in a few minutes, our chat room will be able to tell us who that was.

What was the name of that place?

India.

Yes, hi.

Is this Indian food?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

I'd like to make an order.

That's great.

I'm so excited.

I never had Indian food before.

My friend's from India, and he gave me some things to order.

Uh-huh.

We are already closed.

We open tomorrow.

What time?

We open 11 o'clock.

Do you do catering?

Yeah, we do.

How much advance notice do you need for catering?

I need two days before.

Can you do for Saturday?

Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to have an event in my apartment complex, and we want Indian food.

Okay.

No problem.

Just let me know.

All right.

You ready?

Okay.

You want Saturday food?

Yes.

Okay, what do you like?

Do you have papadums?

Yes.

Papadums?

Uh-huh.

I need like two trays of papadums.

How many people?

For 20 people.

How many?

20.

20, okay.

All right, papadums.

I'd also like to have pilau rice or jasmine rice.

Pilau rice, okay.

Okay.

Do you have chicken tikka masala?

Uh-huh.

All right, how much does it feed?

Can you make enough for that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

And also I have here for ban chud.

Which one?

Ban chud.

Ban chud?

Ban chud.

No, we don't have ban chud.

Okay.

Do you have ulu?

No.

You don't have ulu.

All right.

Do you have gandu?

No.

Do you have chicken?

Any gandu chicken?

Yeah, we have chicken curry.

But no gandu?

No.

All right.

Do you have, let's see here.

Do you have sister?

Huh?

You have a sister?

Uh-huh.

How many sisters?

Who, you?

No, you.

How many sisters could come?

I don't have any sisters.

You have sisters available?

No, that's what I'm asking.

So you can have your sisters come and give the food and show their tits to the guys when they get the food.

No, I don't have it.

Oh, do you have any women there?

No.

How about your mother?

I want you send me to over here your mother.

I can teach her.

No, but your mother might not have big tits.

Oh, shit.

He won't pick up the second time.

Let's try.

Joe keeps making up domains

Now it's youhavesister.in

Is that the TLD for India

IN that's awesome

Good one Joe I like that gold star for you

I gotta find him

I like T-Dog asking teach what

He wants to know what he's gonna teach you

Yeah what are you gonna teach us sir

Hello

I think he picked up and hung up real quick

Milkman we're running

We gotta put an order for gold stars

Because I'm like I can't find it anymore

Who's that

gold stars

there's one

oh man look in the back of the drawer

I think he was running low even last week

you might have used him

that's Jill's gold star

running low on gold stars

if you guys have gold stars that you're not using

please return them send them to me by email

send them to milkman at madhouselive.com

also I appreciate it

yeah noon you got the brown star

the brown star yeah

there you go

you know

No, Milkman-Nunu relations are at an all-time low lately.

Huh?

Yeah, Milkman-Nunu relations are at an all-time low lately.

Why would you say that, man?

I don't know.

You're an idiot.

All right.

Nunu is a fucking rebel.

He's a Johnny Rebel.

He's an idiot.

Jeanette Otts posted three hours ago.

Hey, man, I've known you for even a few years.

I already know this from Gidgo.

This guy's an idiot.

Jeanette is selling a Chevy Malibu, a 2004 Chevy Malibu,

with 145,000 miles asking $4,500.

That's a lot of money for a Chevy Malibu A, B for a car with 145,000 miles.

I was about to say, she's shooting a little fucking high there.

What are you talking about, lady?

Don't try to talk her down Arab style.

That's what happens when women don't know anything about vehicles.

Not to sound racist, but here's a little, for all our young,

I always try to give advice to the young listeners, the young guys.

if you're ever buying anything from a muslim or from someone from the middle east you're expected

to haggle with them all right yeah they they always set a price and you're always expected

to bring that down and i'm not kidding you that's how they do business i'm not being racist or being

an asshole i'm just saying intentionally they they expect you to talk them down and then they'll be

like no no no no no at first like no no no it is that is how much it is you're expected to haggle

them and all this stuff you you know that's part of the culture i don't know why they can't just

be up front say this is how much very true that's a lot of money man that's she's she's asking for

way too much that's like what three bucks a mile 30 do the math milkman divide 145 000 by 4500

hello yes hi is this jeanette big jeanette hello yes is this jeanette it is hi i understand you

You have a 2004 Chevy Malibu machine for sale?

Yes.

And how many miles is on that?

145,000.

And you want 4,500 for it?

Yes.

That's a lot for that much, a lot of miles.

Is it in good shape?

Because it's a lot of miles for that much money.

Yes, it is.

It's in good shape.

Yeah, but it's a Chevy Malibu.

It's not that good of a car.

That's a lot of miles.

What were you doing in the car you were driving so much?

She hung right up.

That's not that good of a car.

The T-Dog had a real good suggestion to ask for the Carfax.

The Carfax.

Hello?

Hi, Jeanette.

Yes.

I didn't mean to be rude.

I'm just trying to make sure it's a good car and maybe I can give you $40,000, $40,000, $4,000 maybe?

How much?

Maybe $4,000?

No, I have to have enough to do payoffs and it's a little bit more than that.

Oh, wow.

So it's a 2004 and you're still paying on it?

Yes.

That's a lot.

lot did you did you lease it or how did you what did you get it how did you get it i'm just curious

what did you lease it or did you finance it outright no we were buying it they did a buy

and they still owe 45 yeah they were just buying it but they bought something else so that's why

they're selling it oh that's nice that's very nice um so i don't i know you're a woman maybe

you don't know a lot about cars what did you drive it a lot more than you're supposed to

Is that what happened?

No, it wasn't mine.

It belonged to my niece.

Oh, so she was, it's a woman's car?

Yes.

Okay.

Do you smoke cigarettes in it?

Do what?

Did you smoke, did she smoke cigarettes in it?

Do what?

Was there any smoking, smoking cigarettes or anything else in it?

No, no, no smoking.

Oh, you don't smoke either or anything?

No, none of us do.

Okay, because I have a kit that'll check for tobacco on the, like on the carpet and the roof and everything.

Uh-huh.

And I just want to let you know I'm going to be swapping the car inside for that and for drugs and things like that,

just to make sure that it doesn't have anything that I'm going to get drunk on.

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

Okay.

All right.

And then does she know how to turn the car on and everything?

Does she know how to drive the car like, you know, normal?

She didn't get into any accidents or anything?

No.

No?

All right.

But what does she get instead?

What's the new car?

She got a Ford Mustang.

A new Ford Mustang or an older one?

2005

So it's just a year older

That's kind of weird

If you're interested in the car

You're welcome to come look at it

Oh yeah I'd love to come

Would you only accept cash

Or do you want it some other way

I would prefer cash

Okay that sounds good

And the upholstery in the back seat

Is it in good shape

As far as I know it's all fine

I was reading an article

That most women

When they own a car

What happens is they, does she use the backseat a lot?

You know what I mean?

Does she lay down in the backseat?

I don't know about that.

You know, does she have a boyfriend?

Is she married?

No, she's going to college.

Does she have boyfriends?

Like she has a lot of boyfriends?

I don't know about that.

Well, because maybe that's why she sleeps with the, she has sex with the men in the backseat.

So it could be.

Excuse me, excuse me.

If you're interested in the car, you're welcome to come look at it.

I'm not going to take a 100 degree question from you

and I don't appreciate you

insinuating things like that

so please do not call me back

it's too late and I have to work tomorrow

listen if your niece is a whore

then I need to know

oh shit

alright we got the Haifa restaurant

that would be a Palestinian restaurant

if my information is correct

in Los Angeles California

Haifa is a Palestinian

territory or at least

It's populated with a lot of Palestinians.

Ken, it sounds like you're taking a shower again.

Shalom.

Yes, shalom.

Hi.

I was calling to see about making an order.

Yeah, one second, please.

Okay.

God damn it.

Hello.

Hello, yes.

Yes.

This is Haifa restaurant.

What?

This is the Haifa restaurant.

Yeah, this is the Haifa restaurant, sir.

Are you from Haifa, Israel?

What?

Are you from Haifa in Israel?

It's the name of the restaurant, sir.

But is it Haifa-style food, like from the sea?

It's from Israel, yes.

It's like the city in Israel.

Do you have a lot of seafood there, like in Haifa?

No, we carry some seafood, salmon, trout.

We carry tilapia, but we have other main dishes as well.

Is it Israeli or Palestinian-style?

It's Israeli-style.

Oh, that's the problem.

Yeah.

Because I don't agree with Israel.

I appreciate that.

Do you want to order something?

Do you want to come here?

How can I help you?

Yes, I would like to make sure, first of all, that no Jews touch my food.

What would you like?

That no Jewish people touch my food.

Yes, sir, but do you want to order something?

Do you want to come to the restaurant?

I understand you reported people and everything, but how can I help you?

Okay, yeah, I want to make an order,

But I just want to make sure that no animals are like Jewish animals touch my food. That's not clean

Hello, yes, hi, what do you need? I wanted to order some food, but I understand this is a Jewish Israeli

Is that Jewish only Jewish here? That's the problem because you have animals there then, right?

You're Jewish?

No, I'm Palestinian.

I'm descended.

Okay.

You're coming here?

You're welcome.

Well, yeah, but I wanted to make sure there's no animals, evil people.

Okay.

It's more telephone for me, please.

I'm sorry.

It's more telephone?

You stupid?

Right.

You stupid asshole.

It's small telephone for me.

That ain't better for you, Carlito?

Yes.

Good.

Thank you.

Milkman fell asleep, I think.

Milkman, you all right there?

You breathing with your mouth?

Sounds like, yeah, sounds like he's snoring or some shit over there.

He's jerking off.

He's trying that whole choke yourself out, jerking off thing.

He's trying a little bit of a jerk, man.

I think he fell asleep.

Milkman's doing, he's taking those classes.

I think he's tired.

Milkman, are you tired?

You want to go to bed?

Milkman.

Of course.

He did fall asleep.

Listen, he fell asleep.

Milkman.

He fell asleep.

He is asleep.

Aw.

Poor Milkman.

Pretty little Milkman.

He's been studying a lot for his test.

Milkman, wake up, pendejo.

Hey.

You're sleeping, huh?

You're missing a great show

You missed the best prank call of the night

You just missed it

Dude, it was awesome

It was in my dream, you were talking to Israel

Oh yeah

Wow, you've been doing your

Did you take your classes, or are you taking it this week?

Or what's going on with that?

Yeah, I was up at real early 30 here, man

That's why I got

You can go take a break, it's good

Let me keep you up, man

I got a mint milk, man

I got sad last week

At some point

I realized you were cooking dinner for your mom

And I felt bad

I kind of mentioned

I felt bad

It was true

If I could have one last night

Where I was cooking for my mom

I would give anything

To spend one more night with my mom

I felt bad

I almost wanted to let you go

You never know what could happen

I'm not trying to sound morbid

Look at me, momless

Shalom, yes, do I have to make an order?

Yeah, for now

Salmon, do you have salmon there?

Salmon?

Okay, but when are you going to come?

In about 10 minutes

10 minutes, okay

Salmon, yeah, what side orders?

Let's see, I like pork

What? Pork salad

Salad? Pork salad

What? Pork salad

Like Israeli salad, tomato and cucumber?

and pork and what pork pork yes no i know but that's stupid that's the problem that's stupid

that's the it's a stupid idea mr x wants us to try calling his number again all right mr x you

got it bro let's try it he

said he should be up all right good mobile first all right give me a moment let

me play this song real quick while i get that number again it was like two hours ago my friend

You gotta give me a second.

Affirm.

Is Mokeman still conscious?

Mokeman?

Nope.

He's sleeping.

Mokeman, you're late for class.

Ah.

Pull my finger, man.

The person you're calling is temporarily unavailable.

Please try later.

The cell phone doesn't work, Mr. X.

I keep trying it, man.

Let me try the landline you sent me.

Oh, the fucker.

I don't know, man.

I'll try the landline.

Oh, I gotta hit add to conference call.

Duh.

Welcome to BT answer 1571.

The person you're calling isn't available at the moment.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Well, sorry, Mr. X.

It didn't seem to work out.

I tried, man, and I'm a little drunk,

so maybe I didn't sound too professional.

I messed up the chance.

I messed it up.

What can I say?

I fucked it up.

What the fuck is that guy's problem?

We're not playing any fucking games here.

I'm not playing games.

Call Zappo and see what the fuck their deal is.

Thank you.

I got a lawsuit with Buka to Bappo already.

I'm going to have a lawsuit with Mr. Lee.

Also, we got to call Charlie because I got his real name.

Ask some people some questions, and when they fucking answer you, you buzzer.

That is incorrect.

Wrong.

All right, I'm getting Zappos, so let me do Charlie while the search goes through for Zappos.

I'll sleep again.

Better, he's giving head.

Hello, do you want me to help you?

Oh, yes, I'm looking for Junior.

Who is calling?

This is Bill.

I'm calling from Hotmail Emergency Support Team.

Hold on a minute.

Are you listening?

Hello?

Yes, this is Junior.

Who is calling?

My name is Bill.

I'm calling from the Hotmail Emergency Support Team regarding an...

Do you know who that is?

Yes, my daughter.

Yes, she has your phone number listed as a contact in her cell phone.

Okay, not because my daughter not working for Russia.

She's in Russia?

Yeah, she working in Russia.

Okay, are you aware that she was involved in some activities in Russia?

Mexico.

No, in Russia.

In Russia, yeah.

Yeah, she's in Russia, and she got involved in a protest in the Orthodox Church in Russia, in Moscow.

And she's been arrested, sir. I'm calling from the embassy.

Listen, I'm calling from the United States embassy, sir.

Your daughter has been arrested in Russia.

She's under arrest. The police arrested.

arrested yes she's arrested they took her to jail in russia yes what happened she led a protest

in a church in russia against the president of russia vladimir putin she was what day huh this

happened this happened about two hours ago she was arrested and she called the embassy asking

for assistance okay can you call my son uh i don't know if i have authorization to do that

what i'm trying to do you understand what arrested is that she's in jail in russia she's under arrest

no i don't understand do you know what jail is yeah i know jail yeah your daughter is in jail

in russia in russia in russia yes give you my number she gave your number to us in the united

states embassy in moscow in russia moscow russia she gave us your number to call you to let you

know that she's in jail in russia okay and uh how to do that now i i want how to do that what do we

do we can't get her out she's going to probably be in russia for the next 20 years well we need

you to come to russia to take her to help to defend her to take her out and what okay and

because she uh went she went to the church and she took a big shit in the church and she said

that her dad's food tasted like shit in front of all the people okay and and then the russians

found out that it's true that the food and the dew drop in has shit and piss in it and the people

take a shit there and they don't wash your hands why you talk about you your daughter took a shit

in the church she pulled on her pants and her panties and she took a piss and shit inside the

church can you give me can you give me your phone number uh let's see here can you give me your

phone number okay you stupid are you stupid what are you talking about you you're stupid this is

serious your daughter's in jail you don't care you asshole my daughter in the jail i fuck you

son of a bitch you what are you talking about you your daughter's in jail forever and we're

not going to help her out you son of a bitch you you every time you you you want to call a son

of a bitch you yeah what are you talking about yeah

I got you good this time, didn't I, you stupid asshole?

You're a dickhead.

I'm surprised they didn't wake Milkman up as much as he was fucking going.

What are you talking about?

I fuck you, you son of a bitch.

What are you talking about?

i thought he knew more english than that he actually took him a while to understand what

was going on well i what what made me laugh was he didn't recognize your voice you've been calling

him like every thursday for like 16 years yeah and he's like yo my best friend's on the fucking

phone how you doing all right there you go good work that was from the arm who got us

not only charlie's real name but his daughter's name and we use it against him i said wow man

that family gets around he's all over uh la and speaks spanish and his daughter's in russia look

at that wow i bet you his daughter's a nice piece of ass i didn't know if he really even cared about

his daughter there for a second he's like yeah and then and and what what do you want me to do

he's like i'm over here cooking shitty food i can't fucking go to russia to save my

fucking daughter now he's all busy trying to find out oh man listen to me it sounds like a baby

be really relaxing kind of reminds me of the time i think i might have talked about this when we

prank called one of my friend's parents and called them and uh i might have talked about this before

a friend of ours he uh went to the army he was stationed in bosnia and i called from a block

number i called his family like at two in the morning and i took the cordless phone and i to

make it sound like it was like in a faraway country i i he's snoring i i stuck the phone

and my head inside the freezer so and it was running you know and and i said yeah is this

the family of michael sites and they're like yes i guess i'm calling from the army base and they're

like yes i like there's been a horrible accident and i'm like what no yes your your son's been in

a horrible accident and i hung up i just hung up right and then a week about five days later uh

uh my eddie my friend eddie eddie eddie garcia that's i named a character after him he actually

does talk was like yo what's up kid that's what he talks like he came over to my house

it was like yo carlito what's up like hey eddie what's up and he goes

yo did you do a prank call to mike's parents like no

why it's like yo yo someone called and said that mike got uh in trouble in bosnia

neither and and they they send a helicopter out for him in the field he was out in the field

and they picked him up and they flew him all the way to germany to confirm he was alive

i was like are you kidding it's like yo yeah they were scared yo and they they they cut they

called this commander they landed a helicopter in the war zone and they they put him on and they

flew him to but they flew him to the base in germany and and shit they confirmed he was who

he was and all this shit that guy uh fucking i played it dumb was like oh i don't know what

you're talking about man that's crazy i was like but he's is he okay is he okay he's like yeah they

they all knew i did it like they knew i was they knew me in prank calls even back then before this

is way before the show this is like in 2000 i did this and but it's like you're uh you're

fucking prank you were holy shit no man uh that prank you were telling us about how you were

we're going to pull the double-decker at that party and shit

and, you know, put it in the microwave and stuff.

I still fucking play that podcast for my friends.

I was like, you got to fucking listen to this.

Yeah, that was the same clique.

That was one of their parties that I did that at.

And they never knew that I did that.

That should be the title of the show right there,

just fucking Milkman's name and just a bunch of Zs and shit.

Milkman Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, that's it.

he's fucking sawed sawed

there's fucking logs over there

I'm gonna call Eddie one day

he listens to the show sometimes

I'm gonna get him on here and have him talk about it

I remember they told him

they're like Eddie

go to Carlos' house, go to Carlito's house

and find out, see what you can find out

ask him, be honest

see if that's him

because it made this big mess

so I'm just

imagining

over this stupid prank call I did

at two in the morning from my girlfriend's house a fucking apache helicopter got sent out to the

field and all these resources got diverted to fly his fucking ass all the way out to fucking

germany for like three days he's hiding out in the fucking bush somewhere and all of a sudden

a fucking helicopter like fucking lights him up can you imagine like the helicopter would have

got like shut down or crashed that shit happens all the time those fucking helicopters crash like

fucking all every every other month whether whether it's somebody shooting them down or

they just got a bunch of sand and shit in their motors god man oh i feel horrible that shit

happened but he was stupid that kid actually you know he ended up he ended up uh he ended up

getting stationed in korea i think and he he fell in love and then he he ran off and he fell in love

and got married and went awol for like a whole year no it was like it was in south america it

wasn't some i didn't even know we had bases in south america it was stationed in south america

a i think it was in an embassy and he fell in love with like some local broad like in nicaragua

and then he fucking went awol and like was living in the mountains and shit and he was like

communicating back on shortwave radio it was really weird and like they ended up finding him and they

like the the mps arrested him and shit and then they gave him clemency he had a some they made

some kind of deal where like they they they were gonna discharge him give him a dishonorable

discharge, but he wouldn't have

to serve any time for

going AWOL and shit.

Yeah, that's what they usually do in something like that.

Yeah, they gave him the benefit of the doubt.

They're like, alright, well,

I think it was less than

honorable discharge, something like that.

Okay, because a dishonorable

discharge is pretty much

the equivalent of getting a felony.

Yeah, you can't get jobs

or shit. I think they cut a deal where it was

less than honorable, so

So it's like he, you know, pled no contest or, you know what I mean, to a crime supposed to.

Well, here's the thing, though, is that if you get a dishonorable discharge, I mean, you can't buy guns or it's really about the equivalent of getting a felony.

Might as well. Can you vote? I wonder if you can vote with a dishonorable. Probably not.

I think so. I think you can still vote with a dishonorable.

That's cool.

I really want Milkman to start talking in his sleep right now.

So Curly, did you catch the game last night?

I did I wasn't happy

You know the Giants should have lost more than

Hello Charlie

This is Bill again

Listen we made a mistake

We made a mistake we got the wrong person

I don't want you to be worried about your daughter and all that

This is stupid

Hello

Hey Charlie I'm ching-a-ing her right now

Huh?

I'm ching-a-ing your daughter right now

I'll kill you stand up a bitch

You can't hear her snoring

I'm doing her in her sleep

sleep she's sleeping next to us right now you hear your daughter irene she's right here right now

sleeping with us she's saying oh oh oh zyklon you're so big but the disturbing thing is why

is she yelling oh charlie in her sleep yeah she says we kiss better than her dad does

but fuck you son of a bitch did you ever kiss your daughter that's bad it's dirty you're a

dirty man fuck you fuck you you son of a bitch be honest with me though is your daughter she's

cute right she have a cute daughter fuck you son of a bitch you want to say come on listen i'll

marry your daughter and i'll give her a citizenship he finally got him mad charlie's back to his old

fucking ways again mess with his daughter you don't mess with charlie's daughter

you realize that now every time we call him we're gonna have to do that just to get him mad

yeah we're gonna keep turning up the volume each time he's back there fucking sharpening machete

of his shit right now, fucking Jason style and shit.

He's making Pungi sticks and shit.

But, yeah, as a Cowboys fan, I'm happy they won.

Yeah, whatever.

But to be honest with you, I'm surprised it was only a seven-point game

because Tony Romo had a good game and the Giants played like shit.

So they got, I don't know, got lucky.

Well, I think it was a good game.

I mean, the best game of that whole weekend was in college,

and that was the Georgia Tech-Virginia Tech game.

Monday. I think it was

Zyklon. You might want to look at your lineup.

It was somebody in our league left

one of their spots

with a guy that has a bye.

He's not even on a team. I think it was

yours, Zyklon. Not me.

I check that shit every day, man.

I'm on that like, why don't I?

Yeah, I looked through and somebody

was leaving somebody open.

Who was the one that got the shitload of points?

It wasn't me. They had Romo.

Who was that? Lonesome.

That's who's leaving a spot open

with a fucking bye.

Molts him.

Really?

He'll fix it.

He'll probably fix it.

I know.

I'm just happy I'm not playing.

But, yeah, Andy had Ahmad Bradshaw, so I'm crossing fingers.

I like Megatron, and they didn't have huge games.

There you go, Megatron.

You got Megatron on a good pick.

You were, like, pick number 10 with Megatron, weren't you?

Yeah.

You picked him in front of me and took him, you asshole.

Oh, damn.

Hey, he was the best player on the board.

Fucking Carlito takes fucking Stafford from me.

You took fucking Megatron from me.

You cocksuckers.

already picked up Nick Foles today

it looks like

guess what the first thing

I did right after the game was

went in and claimed Vogel Tree

ah good idea

yes if anybody claims

him and I lose him I'm going to hunt you down

with a rusty machete

excuse me start making stooping

callings fucking Nunu

alright let's call Zapples

fuck the UK

I tried to send Richie a shitty trade request

quest for uh for eli manning now i'm glad he didn't accept eli or agent eli eli i i i offered

him uh michael vick tim tebow and willis mcgahey i think it was i was like he's watch him do it

watch him do it he didn't he didn't do it well here's the thing though is that i is that as soon

as i i mean my the big thing that i got in waivers was getting locker that gives me a solid third

quarterback particularly not 100 set on dalton i mean i don't even have him starting this way

because they're playing baltimore okay what's i try to offer carlito ben roethlisberger for

stafford straight up i'm starting cardinals d instead of steelers because they're ranked with

two more points i don't know hello yes how are you yes i'm calling from high one and associates

we are closing actually i know but i'm calling from international business telephone machines

and Hiawanan Associates?

They asked me to give you a call?

No? Hello?

Are we that boring milkman series?

Call them back and say you're from the Greek

Embassy. We got Death Fox

wanting to Skype him, but he doesn't have

the name.

Holy Jesus,

if that doesn't wake Milkman up, he's

fucking dead. Right?

Madhouse.radio on Skype.

Madhouse.radio.

Oh, by the way, does anybody live near

a Brick's Pizza at all?

Bricks? Brick Oven Pizza?

Or what?

Yeah, B-R-I-X-X.

Oh, no.

It's like a chain.

No, no, why? What's up?

They have two-for-one pizzas after 10 p.m.

That's good.

Sounds good.

Let's call England.

We got Brian Furlong in England.

Yeah, they got a bunch of all around here.

And then, like, say soccer is like pushy football or something.

You do it.

Here you go.

Brian Furlong.

Go for it.

Welcome to BT Answer 1571.

Ryan, turn your shit down.

Holy shit, get a headset.

Jesus Christ, hung up on him.

You gotta get a headset, and you gotta turn down the background when you're on it.

You gotta have a headset, number one, right?

That's the number one thing, get a headset.

And you gotta become a man.

That's number two.

And preferably not a headset that makes a lot of noise, like what's this face has here?

Enable all sounds.

I don't know why this started doing this shit where it's making noises again.

Two Milkman?

I heard Milkman talking.

He may be getting up to take a piss.

We may get it live right here on the radio.

Milkman, right there.

I do not know what is going on.

Me neither, Mr. Brown.

Me neither.

Hey, Ryan Brown.

Ryan, come and ask me.

You know what happened?

I have two Skypes open.

One on one computer, one on the other.

That's where the sound effects are.

I was looking.

I was like, there's no sounds enabled on here.

That was weird.

Anyway. Milkman is now live

on the shitter, and he has now

fell back asleep. He fell asleep on the

shitter with his pants off.

What's up, man? Hey, who's this?

Death Fox. Hey, Death Fox.

Thanks for sending in numbers. Appreciate

it, man. Yeah, no problem.

It's a big help. He was sending in drug

dealers, man. He was trying to get you fucked up.

I know, right? All right, we got Thomas McCormick

here in England. Let's give them a call.

Death Fox, do you just

listen, or do you do prank calls?

I'll do it. All right, good.

I'm going to hang up on you.

Ryan, get a headset.

Hello. Your call cannot be taken at the moment,

so please leave your message after the tone.

Talking to your sleep milkman? What's going on?

Yeah, I don't know. I confirmed I heard him.

I heard him. I'm not imagining shit.

I can give you a number to a 24-7 gay bar.

Go for it. 24-7. Do they really need to be open that late?

Yeah, we found it.

That's a lot of gay rubbing around right there.

Milkman, are you awake?

What was that, Milkman?

What are you talking about?

I heard Milkman say something about five more minutes and then he was fucking back out.

He was like, five more minutes, Bob.

Milkman's probably smoking the reefer.

When I was a kid, my mom would wake me up in the morning and go to school, like, five more minutes.

It's in your private, man.

All right, thanks.

It's in my privates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't be putting shit in the fucking Carlitos' privates.

I'll get it, man.

Give me a second.

Is this like a Texas gay bar by chance?

No, it's in San Diego.

It's supposed to be 24-7.

My mom's the one that did it.

San Diego?

I would think something like that would be in San Diego.

Good morning, Roxy.

Yeah, is this the Roxy Diner?

Yep.

It's in the heart of the gay scene, right?

Pretty much.

It's 24-hour gay food?

Yeah, well, it's just a diner.

It's not gay food.

Well, it says it's a gay restaurant, gay diner and all that.

We don't have cocktails, so we kind of serve everybody, not just gay people.

Do you have mimosas?

Huh? No.

No alcohol.

No? Okay.

All right, so you serve everybody.

I don't have to be a gay to come in?

No.

Is there any, is the bathroom clean?

Yes.

I went to this gay place once, and they, like, the bathroom, like, the men, like, several men in the bathroom.

Okay, you seem to have a gay issue, so maybe you just shouldn't come there.

No, no, no, I don't have an issue.

I love gay people.

I love them a lot.

Mm-hmm.

I love gay people.

Mm-hmm.

I love them so much, I'm meeting them at work, so people don't know that I like gay people.

Mm-hmm.

But I like gay people.

I like them a lot.

All right.

All right?

All right.

All right, so ham and eggs, right?

Yeah, we have ham and eggs.

Do you guys throw glitter on it?

No.

Okay, I'm going to hang up on you.

Goodbye.

You almost made me spit my beer out.

Did they fucking put glitter on it?

Oh, shit.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me talk to this guy.

I bet you $10 if you were gay, they would have fucking alcohol for you.

I'm looking up another 24-hour fitness center while y'all do that.

Yeah, we're going to need to call Zappos real quick while you do that.

Oh, shit, keep forgetting Zappos.

It's like throwing glitter on the fucking food.

It's WB.

What was that when we kept calling those 24-hour gyms?

Hey, is this the Roxy?

Hello?

Yes, the Roxy, yes.

I heard this place is in the middle of the gay community.

Is this true?

Oh, my God.

Would you just stop calling?

Are there a bunch of faggots there?

Jesus Christ.

Would you stop calling?

Yeah, those fitness clubs we used to call,

Those were pretty fucking funny

Talking about getting naked in the saunas and shit

They start flipping out on us

Yes, yes

I remember those

Was that our show?

That was ours

I did a couple calls with you on that

We were talking about tapping the foots and shit

Yeah, like what's the code for the game?

We did it on the phone show as well

I know, yeah, we did 24-hour places on the phone show once

On a Saturday

It was like a Saturday phone show thing

call this number and i'll do it

i'm doing zappos zappos first gotta check the fucking joke of the day or

week whatever the one they want joke of the year okay after zappos do that okay

allowing us to put a little zappos in your day

hi this is tyler and i'm a member of the zclt stat team and i'm here with your joke of the day

So two muffins are sitting in an oven.

And one muffins to the other.

Boy, it's sure hot.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Terry, and I'm a member of the DCLP scheduling.

Any of you want to talk to them?

I do.

Let's put a little Sambo's in your day, bitch.

Hey, I was going to say something like that.

Let me talk to them.

Scab is really fucking up here.

Command a new joke.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

Oh, man.

I'm going to redo the Skype call.

Guys, call back in.

It's messing up a lot.

Let me also play this real quick while I try to redo the...

See if I can shut down some things that are running in the background.

Something's missing on the bandwidth here.

Like a sieve.

a sieve, the bandwidth is leaking.

Dirty Aaron.

Yo, dog.

What's going on?

Michael McDonald was fucking killing it there.

Hey, this is little Zambos, formerly known as Zambos.

How may I help you?

Zambos.

Hey, sorry I dropped off last week so quick.

My wife appeared in the computer room with some hooker shoes on, so I had to bail.

And big John Holmes dildo?

Yes.

She was about to get to work?

Yeah.

Oh, you sick motherfucker.

Crack this one for old milkman there who's snoring away.

Oh, we lost him, too.

We'll let him sleep.

Did you catch that, Dirty?

He was snoring like a motherfucker.

Oh, I missed it.

I was at the preschool orientation.

Oh, for about the past 45 minutes, he's been on the air just fucking snoring away.

That's fucking awesome.

He's tired.

If we'll call that 24-hour fitness place, I'll tell him when he's trying to start to get up.

Yeah, can you resend that, man?

because I lost it

when I killed

I think I did

yeah here it is

I'll do it

yeah Dirty

he was just

sitting there

and every few

like every like

ten minutes

you'd hear him say

something about

five more minutes

at one point

we thought

he may have

got up to take

a shit on the

toilet

and then went

back to sleep

with his pants

down around his

ankles

typical milkman

you know

that's happened

to me before

cactus

yeah Skype

is horrible

that might be

my bandwidth

anyway

Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

With more than 400 locations open up to 24 hours, state-of-the-art equipment, and more than 3,000 certified personal trainers on staff,

we've cleared a path straight to your fitness goals.

It's time to get results on your terms.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.

For new membership information, press 1.

What's a homosexual extension?

What's the Sam Bell extension?

It's colon, pound, colon, pound.

24-Hour Fitness of the Pearl.

Hey, who's speaking?

Sorry?

Who is speaking?

This is John.

Yeah, I have a problem.

I was on the treadmill.

I was having problems.

I'm about 600 pounds.

I was trying to walk on the treadmill.

Wow.

John knows all about you.

Yeah.

You got like a fan going on too.

Someone's got like a fan or something.

It's making noise.

You sound far away too.

Me?

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, I'm not sure where it's coming from,

but yeah you can hear it how about now that's a little better that's good okay it's a little

quieter i'll try them again for you see if you'll go somewhere this time all right okay good good

buddy let me get my fan off thank you for calling 24 hour fitness with more than 400 locations open

up to 24 hours state-of-the-art equipment and more than three tell me you don't appreciate

people saying nice ass while you're on the treadmill just let it fucking mature buddy

I gotta ask him.

He's like, keep going.

Fucking two-stepping into his sauna right now.

He's mopping up the cum.

Fucking Nunu has a clown fetish, I think.

He keeps wanting us to call this convention like a motherfucker here.

Did he send me the numbers?

I think he did.

Call him and ask if one of the clowns is IT.

I can find another number real quick.

Hold on.

Yeah, Nunu, you gotta send me the number.

Did you send me the number for the clowns?

I don't think so.

Send me the info on IRC.

You can't.

You're snoring again.

Again, Milkman isn't back on here, you lying bastards.

Yeah, I was listening to the Sambo episode.

I find it funny how the first half, every time I say the N-word, it got replaced with Sambo.

And the second half was just left as the N-word.

All right, we're calling Target for Mary Juana.

Send in a Target for me to call.

I will call this at first, and you guys can join in later.

There's an effeminate manager there named Morgan.

No, no, the N-word wasn't really...

Thank you for calling the Encinitas Target Store.

Our normal store business hours are Monday through Saturday, 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.,

and Sunday, 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.

It's located one mile north of Encinitas Boulevard at El Camino Real.

For the pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 4.

For the photo lab, press 5.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Some incriminating photos are coming about.

No, I was actually going to say

call the phone lab and ask if they do nudes.

Thank you for calling...

Thank you for calling Target...

Excuse me?

What did you say?

This is Target...

This is Target and Sanita, Sandra speaking.

What did you say before that?

Thank you for calling Target and Sanita.

You went...

What's that?

I'm sorry, what?

You went, thank you for...

What did you say that's making fun of me like that?

Thank you for calling Target and Sanita.

This is Sandra speaking.

Well, you said it different.

You said, thank you for...

Like that.

You said something...

Oh, sorry, I messed up a word.

Sorry about that.

Well, it sounded like you were making fun of me or something.

No, sorry.

I'm looking for my boyfriend, Morgan.

Is he there?

Your who?

My boyfriend, Morgan.

Not available at the moment.

Is he there?

No, he's not.

What, did he leave already?

Thanks for calling Target Influence.

This is Sandra speaking.

You said it different.

You said thank you for...

Like that.

You said something.

Oh, sorry, I missed...

That's what you said before.

Oh, that was gay.

I think she heard the part about nudes,

And that's what fucking made her giggle

Truth or dare

The Encinitas Target Store

Our normal store

We did not receive a valid response

For the pharmacy

Press 1

For electronics

Press 4

For the photo lab

Press 5

Please wait

Please stay on the line

While your call is transferred to photo

Yes my name is John

I'm from Fujifilm, and I'm having problems with our ordering system.

Can you please give me the last five orders you had, last name and phone number, please?

Do you have a printer that can take online orders?

That's what the problem is.

We are not receiving the orders on our computer.

So can you please give me the last five orders, just the last name and the phone number?

not here anymore. We're closed at 9, but

because I was around here, I picked up the phone.

So I can't. Okay. Well,

thank you very much. What good are you?

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Aww.

Call her back, and since she's just

picking the phone up willy-nilly,

we need to ask her how much the condoms are.

Before that, I gotta play a prank call

because I actually gotta go and

let the cat out because she's starting

to fuck around again. After how

those two cats treated you last week,

you're gonna fucking help them out? Well, they wanna get

it out so hey throw them fuckers right out the window hey when you get back i gave you a number

for a dude wanting a washer and dryer call him i'm gonna tell him i have one but he don't have

a lid on it it doesn't have a lid on it yeah i want to see if he wants it oh you guys he's a top

loader yeah you guys gotta look up there's a youtube video out there where this guy put a

bowling ball instead of a washer uh a dryer and let a he ran it outside and the thing just like

Like it starts smoking and freaking burning.

Okay, yeah, that sounds awesome.

It's loud.

Turn your speakers down.

But when you watch it, it's like bowling ball in clothes dryer,

something like that.

You'll find it out there.

It's good stuff.

It actually gives me a great idea to test one of my store's products.

There you go.

More specifically, the 500 Smith & Wesson Super Magnum Revolver.

Okay, all right.

Yes, I now work at a gun store.

Oh, that's right.

Now, is he the one that's a sociopath, or is that Ken?

Probably Ken.

With all the guns.

Oh, that would be me.

Yes, I have guns.

That's true.

But I'm not a sociopath.

I'll be right back.

Who is this?

Hello.

Good morning.

I'm Regent for Jacksonville.

I'm a front-standard to service.

Yes, I'm calling from United Taxi Machines.

I guess there's a resident here that I'm supposed to talk to.

Unfortunately, they didn't give me their room information.

and I'm trying to see if I can get confirmation if at least I have the right hotel.

Some type of convention, the person needs transportation, I guess it's like a two-hour trip.

Is there someone there by the name of Earl Chaney, I believe, or Charlie Earl Chaney?

She had the balls to hang up on you. What kind of shit is that?

Because they know, they know.

Call that one I just gave you in private, dude.

Private?

I'll mess with him.

He gave it to you in Skype?

No, I gave you one in scop and I gave you one in private in the chat.

Do the one in chat first.

No, do the one in chat.

Somebody do the one in scop.

Okay.

It's a girl saying she'll do any work.

Turn on the camera.

Asking if he'll do something sexual.

Turn on the camera.

Carlito's getting crazy over there burning fucking holes through his little filter and shit with his cigar.

He's got...

I'm so pissed.

I've got to order one on Amazon now.

Damn it.

Yeah, that break was actually kind of fortunate. My cat was wanting his treats.

Yeah, I saw an ad on the Townsend Trader saying he was looking for a wash and dryer.

Yo, can you call me back tomorrow?

No, this is American. I'll call it any time I want.

Um, would you like this wash and dryer? It's $25.

He fucking shut you down real goddamn quick.

Wow, that's sick.

Hey, have we done any bond shoot calls yet?

Um, I tried.

It didn't go.

I got a mother call.

I got a man on the mother part.

Well, here's an idea, though.

Are there, like, any 7-Elevens that we know are run by Indians?

Oh, yeah, give me a second.

I'll get you one.

Just give me five seconds.

I was about to say, let's try calling 7-Elevens.

I'll get you the number.

Hang on a second.

In the meantime, here's a silly call to England I'm going to do.

I got some good ideas on the England calls.

That one I put in Skype chat, she said call her anytime, she'll do anything for a job.

Okay, but I do this first.

Hello?

David Sylvester?

Steven, yes, he's here, yes.

Oh, good, put him on the phone, please, then.

Yes, of course.

So polite at five in the morning.

Hello?

This is David Sylvester.

Who, sorry?

This is David Sylvester.

David?

Yes.

uh no who is this calling this is bill cross i was looking for david sylvester the woman just

said that they said excuse me david david your wife just said that you're david sylvester uh

no that that's wrong uh i think she misheard you um no that's impossible she said of course

she didn't mishear me because she said of course uh yeah but um i'm sure she misheard you

I don't think so.

I don't know who you are, but I can take a message for someone else that's here.

So I'll pass you back.

Hello?

What's going on here? What's the big idea?

Pardon?

What's the big idea here?

I need to talk to David Sylvester, and you said David's there,

and then David says he's not a David, and he's going to put me back?

I thought you said Stephen.

Yeah, that's what I said, Stephen.

That Stephen you were just talking to.

Yeah, he says he's not Stephen. What's going on?

Stephen? He seems to think you want David.

No, Stephen. I'm saying Stephen.

You want Stephen?

Yes.

Right.

He does want you, don't he, Stephen?

No, you want Stephen, you say?

Well, I don't know. He's just saying, uh...

Oh, it's so confusing.

Can I take a message, please, because he's in the Great Harry?

Uh, where's he going?

He's going to work.

Already? This time? It's going to take two seconds.

I need really... It's really important. Please tell him.

Tell him I order you to put him on the phone.

Tell him that.

He thinks it's really urgent to see him on everything.

I command you to put him on the phone.

Tell him.

Pardon?

Tell him that I command you to put him on the phone.

Tell him that.

I got you a 7-Eleven and Skype chat there, Carlito.

I can't stop eating these almonds.

Are they raw or are they cooked?

They're raw, man.

Fucking theirs are so good.

Oh, man.

One of the other nice things to do with 7-Elevens with the Indians is get them to do crazy stuff.

men's health says if you eat a lot of almonds it makes your penis bigger hey um call that girl that

i put in there i'm on her facebook and i'm gonna say i'm one of her friends friends and i'm gonna

try to get her to do some stupid work tell her you're one of her friends uh boyfriends that she's

a slut or some shit like that yeah offer her offer her a job in exchange for a blow job

okay okay just give me a second yeah we're not we're sandbagging you

Hey, at least I have pussy right now.

I have the feline variety.

Is it weird I'm taking raw almonds and putting them in my mouth?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Hold on, let me make the message.

0-5-5-7-0-8-4.

Available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Hey, Rachel, this is Kayla Thomas' boyfriend.

And she told me he was looking for a job.

and i need somebody to dig potholes and she said she was a pretty fat and burly girl so

um just you know just hit me up if you think you can dig some potholes for you know

or whatever i mean or you can suck my dick and i give you an office job or something

you know just hit me up later there you go good work is it what is it what's kokanee saying stop

kokanee is just to call that bassinet guy back and give him a fucking wake-up call since he has

It has to be up in an hour and a half.

Yeah, dude, dude.

I'll do it, too.

I'll do it, because I know where he lives.

I know that dude.

Oh, that's your number.

That's right.

Hey, is it weird that I'm taking raw almonds and I'm putting horseradish in them, mixing

it with them and eating them?

It tastes great.

I mean, as long as you're not shitting...

It would only be weird if you were doing that and then shoving them in your ass.

That would be fucking weird.

No, I'm eating them with my mouth.

Spices and shit only make things taste even better, man.

Have you ever tried a tartar sauce?

No, tartar sauce might be good, too.

Hey.

There's only one roll in food.

if it tastes great eat it eat it it's like that old bag from the frank's uh red hot fucking

commercials she's like i put that shit on everything that's like hold on right let me

call him and i have a southern accent and i'll tell him where i'm at and i'll try to buy it from

him how do you spell bassinet b-a-s-s-n-e-t b-s-i-n okay gotcha coconut grease it is b-a-s-o-n-e-t-t-e

That's bossin' that

It's getting late

I'm doing extra hours because I started late

But we gotta wrap it up here man

Yeah we gotta call the UK

I got a great idea for the UK

Rapid fire the UK

Fuck yeah

I wanna do a wake up call

I got the idea for my wife

We got a 7-11 here from Lonesome also that's Indian

So we got a few of those

You wanna take this? I got it

Okay this is bassinet

Let me do it

Go ahead as dog how to dad

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

2-0-5-4-5-2-3-4.

I'll leave a message.

I think a message is in order from everyone.

That is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Listen here, you fucking country cunt.

You stole that bassinet from my flea market, and I want it back.

And if you don't give it back to me, I'm going to call the police and report you on the Hamilton Trader.

I'm going to get a hold of Deputy Lee

And you know who I'm talking about

He's the sheriff of Hamilton, Alabama

And I'm going to phone the deputy

Let the deputy talk to you right now

Alright, deputy

Fuck you, bitch

Your husband's a bitch

Milkman, fucking settle down

God damn it

So uh

Fellow southern accent guy

Are you a Bama fan by chance

I don't like football man I'm a drunk

Oh what a gay

Fuck Alabama they fucking destroyed Michigan

I fucking hate Alabama you cocksuckers

Are you talking about Crimson Tide

Are you talking about Crimson Tide and Auburn

Yes I'm talking about the Crimson Tide

If I had to pick I would go Crimson Tide

If I had to pick

Aw fuck you

Big orange for life

Dude, Auburn's just like a wall school.

Who cares about Auburn?

Is it 7-Eleven?

I'm not talking about Auburn.

I'm talking about the walls.

7-Eleven.

Is it 7-Eleven?

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

Hello?

Is it 7-Eleven?

Yeah.

Yeah, what's going on?

How come you didn't answer the phone, 7-Eleven?

Huh?

How come you didn't answer the phone, 7-Eleven?

I'm trying to call you.

Are you there?

Hmm?

Hey.

God, they're stupid.

Oh.

You can't understand English.

Call him back.

I'll fucking talk to him.

We need an epic prank.

Let me give it a shot.

Hang on.

Okay, I'm asking to pull all the Playboys off the shelf.

I miss those cacti shows with the 7-Elevens.

The Slurpee machines being dumped out in my buckets.

Oh, yeah, it turns the thing on the back.

I think that was RTH that did the Slurpees.

Free game switch, the knobs.

They don't answer, and they always do this.

You know what I want to get a copy of?

there was um there was an episode of the prank show that it was uh i know i was on it for a while

that night it was a late late late show and we kept like messing with the papa johns with the

we all found a papa johns somewhere in california and then we posted their number on craigslist

about a car for sale i think it was a car giving away a car or some shit and people will call the

number like yeah yeah just come to the come to the papa johns here and you know i think like a

a good 20 people showed up at this fucking Papa John's

looking for this free car.

Oh, that's awesome.

Give me one minute, and I'll find a 7-Eleven in Chinatown.

It got to the point where, like, we called the Papa John's,

and they were like, yeah, you fucking assholes keep sending people over here.

And I remember at the very end, we got one last guy to go,

and we had him on the cell phone.

He's like, I'm here at the Papa John's.

It looks closed.

and they're like no no no go up to the door and ask for tina or whatever and and the knock the

guy knocks on the glass door and the girl comes the door she's like we're closed it goes oh no

i'm here for tina about the mustang and she's like yeah these people put the ad up on craigslist

they're pranking us and he's like where the fuck are you i know you're fucking out here watching

right now you fucking asshole i know you're fucking sober laughing you fucking thank you for

saying that i'm not gonna go put up a bunch of random craigslist to random places i remember

remember when Carlito called one time

and they put up a bunch of Craigslist

ads and was talking about these

big-ass TVs they were

giving away for free, and they were trying to

get them to go to the...

No, they were trying to get them to go to the

where the fuck the Lakers play, I forget where it is.

Oh, the Staples Center.

There you go, the Staples Center. And he was trying to get them

to fucking help him steal the

fucking Jumbotron TVs.

Yeah.

And he was like, oh yeah, man,

we'll fucking load one up in your

truck and shit you can fucking take that as your payment and all this shit here the ones i just

posted supposed to be in chinatown i looked up zip code and everything chinatown which chinatown

there's a lot of them new york oh man that you get we get some uh bootleg dvds there too man

let's do it fuck yeah the chinese chicken i posted two in case one don't work right good idea

very good you see that you guys if the chinatown is on 11 then the invention probably won't work

You guys should take an example from New Tuck over here.

That's his name, New Tuck.

Now on, your name is New Tuck.

This is all kinds of prepared.

We have a new Ted Webb, a new Tuck.

We're auditioning for a new Milkman, so.

Yeah, we got Aaron Dirty.

There's only one of me.

Someone's breathing hard.

That could be the new Milkman.

Hello, please leave a message after this call.

That's why I posted two numbers.

Hey, go fuck yourself, buddy.

You might be closed, man.

There's your message.

Well, it is New York.

I guess it wouldn't be closed.

Yeah.

It's 7-Eleven.

It can't be close.

I'd put one into the Skype chat that's 24 hours.

Where the hell is it?

Yeah, that's why I said 24-hour 7-Elevens would be the best.

Well, there's one 7-Eleven we called on the phone show

that was right across the street from Laugh Track Match,

and he went over there to see if they did whatever it was we called them.

Did they?

Did they do it?

Did they?

Yeah.

I found a Chinese restaurant that's called Woe Hop Restaurant 24-7 hours a day.

24-7 hours?

That's what it says.

Who the fuck does 247 hours? That's fucking ridiculous.

24 days and 7 hours.

Yeah, I got one on Skype chat that I just put in. I know it's 24 hours. They're always there.

Chinese people don't know how to use a telephone.

They're poking at it.

How does this fucking work?

Not answering a 7-Eleven, you fucking dicks.

Try that Woe Hop Restaurant.

I'm going to try to call the con convention again real quick, Bill.

Clown fuckers.

I got those seven love numbers off their official website under 24 hours a day.

That's kind of weird.

At the con convention, if you don't have, like, red fucking lipstick marks on your dick, you're not cool.

This is Clown Convention, Bill.

Good morning.

I'm Regency Jackson Bear River Front.

This is for your service.

Yes, I need to speak with Sherry Venturi, please.

What's the last name?

V-E-N-T-U-R-I.

Brought up.

Disconnected us?

What the fuck is that?

I know Zolar was calling

Earlier in the week

Maybe that's what's up

Asshole burning the numbers on us

Do we get some more new

Recycled numbers

Well the thing is Zolar comes in earlier in the week

So we're the recycled

Party

We're the second generation

Well let's party in the UK

Let's and let's call it a night

Let's get out of here after this

Because I'm tired

I gotta work tomorrow

Tired from eating all those almonds

almonds those almonds are so good today's my friday so i got tomorrow off those those almonds

are making fucking carlio's dick strong like bull you want to hear it i heard it's celery is what

makes your dick uh hard it gives you hard the hardness well yeah that's when you when you tape

the celery to your dick yeah it's hard all right i know some losers sending in numbers here in the

uk we're gonna start with jack lucas this is the old guy from last week who has a penis and all

all that stuff remember maybe you remember i don't know i was using my penis last week oh yeah

that's good send me some goddamn fire send some pics to your wife i see that yeah no problem

what's his name lucas hello

Hello.

Good morning, sir.

This is your joke of the day.

How do you tell if a black man is well hung?

You can't get a finger between his neck and the rope.

I cannot hear you

I still can't hear you

You're an asshole Jack

You're an asshole

I'm calling from the nurses station

I'm calling from the

I had to yell at him last week

If I remember correctly

Let's try him again

I'm going to have to yell right into the fucking mic

Incoherent fucking bastard

I'm going to turn my shit down

Yeah turn your shit down

Because it's going to be loud in a second

Fuck yeah

It's all a racist joke.

I'm sorry, I'm disabled.

I'm disabled.

An old age pensioner.

And I'm suffering

with no end of trouble.

I'm going deaf

in the ears. I cannot hear you.

I'm calling from the nurses.

I'm very, very sorry.

I still can't hear you.

I'm calling from the nurse people.

the nurse you're the nurse yes where from from the hospital yes we have a complaint about you

pardon we have a complaint about you about what the way you treated the nurse that came yesterday

the nurse yes the the nurse never come only the uh the one who's looking after me yes her

She had a complaint about you.

She's not coming again.

We have to replace her.

She says that you got aroused and you were making comments, sexual comments to her.

I didn't.

Well.

I didn't.

Did you take your clothes off for her?

I had to because she had to give me a strip.

She says you're not supposed to, that you took your pants off without permission.

All the others didn't.

But all the others didn't matter.

That doesn't mean that you should harass her and make her look at your naked body.

I didn't.

I was quite nice.

And she was quite nice to me.

Did she touch you?

Pardon?

Did she touch you?

Well, she had to, didn't she?

To wash me.

She's not...

And to undress me.

She's not supposed to touch your penis, and you told her to touch your penis.

I did not.

Well, she did, didn't she?

Well, she's telling lies.

Well, we have a recording.

We have video recording of you with your pants off as she's telling you.

Well, I had to wash.

I had to strip to wash.

You're going to have to wash yourself from now on.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

One's coming today, and one's giving me a shower.

Not anymore.

So I've got to sit in the chair, and she showers me all over.

Not anymore. It's over.

You're going to make your own breakfast and make your own shower.

Can't hear you.

What? I feel bad.

I think he was crying.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Carlito, click on the link that I just sent you in the Skype chat.

That's the old man right there.

I think he was crying, man. I feel horrible.

Have you heard him?

He was like, what?

Oh.

Aww.

I posted some picture of my wife in the Skype chat, Carlito.

This is my pee-pee.

I've seen that before somewhere on the internet.

I think I saw it once.

This is my pee-pee.

Well, thank you for that.

I feel really bad.

I'm not going to mess with that guy anymore.

I got him crying.

The nurse is going to show up tomorrow.

I have to wash.

He may slap a bitch or two tomorrow when the nurse comes.

He's going to say, you can't look at my penis.

I don't want to.

Dude, those old guys that live in the nursing homes, they're fucked up.

They'll grab whatever.

They'll grab handfuls of shit.

The girls come home bruised and beat up.

I'm falling down.

Let me grab your ass.

He's like, I'm an old ass man.

I don't know.

I just shit my pants and I'm grabbing some titty.

MSC 3 Clay.

Aw, poor old disabled, disabled, disabled, disabled guy.

guy that's it that's pretty sad when you gotta fucking shit your pants in order to grab the

titties you know that's a sad day you gotta do here's the thing though is that i mean they could

probably pay for some yeah i posted some pictures of my wife in the skype chat

yeah pictures of your wife in the skype chat are you i was just kidding you didn't have to do that

yeah the site's a thousand

What's up with your wife? She has a pee-pee.

Sounds like it.

Alright, UK.

Please, Nunu, we got a fucking rapid-fire room.

Oh my god, look at your wife.

Holy jeez, that's awesome.

Alright, let's see if I have any more UK numbers.

It's almost time. It is time to go.

Rapid-fire, we said, though.

We should find Nunu's house and call him.

Good luck with that.

We don't even have a picture of him.

We don't have anything on Noonoo.

He doesn't fucking get on the fucking voice.

You don't know what he sounds like.

I think I heard that he works at some supermarket or something over there.

Isn't that right?

Yeah, the homosexual supermarket.

Hello?

Hello, good morning.

Is Mark there?

Hello, this is Brent Westwood calling for Mark.

Sorry, it's quarter to seven in the morning.

Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry.

I'm calling from the credit card company.

We have some unauthorized purchases on your account.

I'd like to read them off to you if you have a moment.

What, for Mark Cuthbert's card?

Yes, that's correct.

Are you Mark's wife?

Are you authorized to speak on his behalf?

Yes.

All right, well, I'm in a call center in the United States,

and I just want to make sure we got this right.

So we have some charges here at 7-Eleven.

Are you familiar with this?

I've just got something coming off the printer.

I don't know exactly where it is.

It just has a transaction ID number, and that's about it.

I don't want to have these unauthorized purchases.

So there are some more at Victoria's Secrets and also at, I think it says something here.

This is a bit graphic about the, something about an escort service and this sort of thing.

So do you know anything about this?

No.

What card number is this?

What card number?

It's the one ending in, hold on, let me check my printer again.

It's the Visa.

So what we've got here is...

I'm sorry, who are you phoning from?

Who am I phoning from?

I'm phoning from the Visa card company in the United States.

My name is Brent Westwood.

So what we have here is some shopping at, it looks like 7-Eleven,

possibly at Victoria's Secret, which is a lingerie store,

and it says something about big black booty escorts.

Right.

And then also immediately following that at Sambo's dildo store.

right so do you know anything about these charges or can you speak to them no well i think you

better talk to your husband about these charges because it looks like he went out and did some

drinking maybe and and got a prostitute and what in the states are we talking about in the states

well it's either him or i'm not exactly sure who it would be but the charges are in america are

they um i think some of them are in america some of them are then in the uk i don't think so thank

Thank you.

No, you don't think so?

I do.

I did.

I did the charges.

I couldn't say this, but it's like, if you're going to do that,

start running off the list of all those porn titles from clerks.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that would have been good.

I didn't think of it.

These don't look for you.

They're for your husband.

I can see her kidney.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling regarding the card for Mark Cuthbert.

I'm the supervisor here at Visa.

Just a minute.

Okay.

Hello?

I'm the supervisor here with the Bank Visa Card Machine Center.

I understand that you made purchases that you're refusing to pay for now for lingerie and for an escort.

So your card's been stolen, it's been taken?

I have no idea. I haven't been to America.

Well, these are bought over the phone, so you're having them shipped to your address in Lidorking, Hamstead, Ivy Cot, Hamstead, Lidorking, England?

That is my address, yes.

All right, so apparently you ordered a prostitute from the United States on a plane to come.

I did what?

That there's an escort, like a female prostitute that's a legal prostitute with a license.

No, I didn't.

What about the lingerie and the gas?

No, no, no, no, no. I've done nothing like that at all.

All right, I'm going to connect on the line the person here who did make the charges without your permission.

Sir, are you there?

Pardon?

Zyklon.

Oh, I can't understand.

Hello?

Yeah, I have the guy on the line here who used your card.

Hey, man.

I got to say, that lady from Big Booty Escorts, oh, so fine.

Your credit card goes through so nicely.

That's the guy who's using your card.

I have him on the phone.

I picked up a couple copies of All Anal Gangbangs.

What's the card number?

We can't give that over the phone.

It's private.

So I was in the States in March, and I might have used my Visa card in March in Florida.

Yeah, it says here you were in Florida and you ordered two prostitutes.

No, no, no, nothing like that at all.

Well, that's what the charge is for, and you're refusing to pay for it.

I have the man in charge of the prostitute company here.

He was just talking to you.

Yes, hello.

Well, I don't understand this at all because I have not used my card.

What about the prostitutes that you paid for with your card?

I did not pay for anything with my car.

Anything what?

Why can't you say it?

Because your wife is there.

She's going to tell you.

You're afraid to say prostitutes because you're married, right?

Amen and wrong.

What company are you from?

We're calling from...

Why are you hassling me?

Because you're ordered prostitutes and you're refusing to pay for the bill.

You ordered prostitutes when you came to visit the United States in Florida.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

This is my pee-pee.

Give it back to your wife.

She was sucking it better.

Okay, Douglas Greensmith.

Douglas Greensmith.

Unauthorized purchase machines.

Wow.

Today's weather.

Hello.

This is today's joke of the day.

Are you ready for it?

If you don't pause and give him a chance to answer,

you're just fucking rapid-fire that shit.

Yeah, my phone decided to do something weird.

No, no phone.

Skype. Jazz Hasbundi.

Don't blame it on your phone when you don't have a

phone machine. I know better than that.

I'm using Skype on my phone.

You froze. You were thinking of a racist joke.

Jazz Hanbury.

Yeah, it's a Sambo joke.

Sambo.

Is this Sambo?

Jazz.

Hello?

Yes, good morning. Is Jazz there?

Sorry, yes, this is

Brent Westwood calling from the credit card company.

Are you available to speak on behalf of these

unauthorized purchases?

she says? Oh, she didn't want to play.

Oh, man. She was an old lady, too.

Oh, man. Next.

James Melbourne. Next.

Yeah, that sounds like the type of guy that would

order some male prostitutes.

Two males. Yes,

she males. If somebody can post

the list of those numbers in the

Skype, or those porn titles

in Skype chat, that'd be awesome.

Hello. Are you ready for today's joke

of the day? There's a black man

and a Mexican in a car. Who's driving?

The cop.

Ugh, fuck, yeah.

Is this James Melbourne?

No, I'm sorry.

Is this Mrs. Melbourne?

No.

Give me your name then, stupid bitch.

Answer the fucking phone, Wally Wankers.

Wally Wankers, that's a good one.

Fuck off.

Are you having a wank?

Huh, you tosser?

Yeah, good, who are you?

Huh?

This is Brent Westwood.

Everybody knows you don't fuck with Brent Westwood, you bitch.

Bye, asshole.

I'm calling about the unauthorized purchases.

Gone.

Next one.

Harold Bonner.

I'm on this.

Call it.

I'm calling him now.

Hello, Harold.

Hello.

Hello, Harold.

Good morning.

This is Brent Westwood calling from the credit card company of Unauthorized Purchase Machines.

Do you have time to speak about these purchases we're finding on your credit card statement?

Credit card company.

Do you know what time of the morning it is?

Well, this is a very important call, sir.

I'm 90 years of age.

I don't want you calling again.

Good day.

Well, here's the thing, is that you've been using your credit card to order male prostitutes,

and we need to make sure that they're being delivered.

It's gone.

I'll call him back.

Let me try.

Hello, Harold.

Harold.

Damn it.

All right.

I got Kevin here.

Let me call Kevin real quick.

I will call.

Let me try Kevin first, and then you guys jump in.

May I go for a hot dog right now with some almonds sprinkled on top and mustard?

I'm going to put almonds in everything from now on.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this Kevin Pernat?

We're speaking, please.

This is William Beresford.

Yes, can I take a message?

No, you can put them on. I don't speak to the woman.

Hello?

I don't think he's around.

Mr. Marmot, who is it again? Sorry.

This is William Beresford.

I'm calling from Seafood and Crab Machines.

He's got crabs.

I got this nice scotch glass at Ikea.

It's very nice. Look at it.

Is there any scotch in it?

Yeah, I've been drinking scotch all night, fucker.

Hey, man, I've been at work.

What do you do again? What's your new job?

I work at a gun store.

Uh-huh.

It's all shit.

You're going to apply to the post office next, you crazy bastard.

Hell no.

What's the best gun I can get as a first-time gun owner?

Glock 9?

What should I get?

22.

A 22?

I can shoot this?

Model 1911-45.

Hello?

Yeah, what happened?

Why are you here still?

Pardon?

Why are you here still?

Do you have a hole in your head because you're stupid?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hello?

All right.

It's nothing at the moment.

All right.

it about can you take a message yeah all right kevin pernett you're a stupid shit asshole does

he know you yeah he's my friend i think you've got the wrong number no kevin pernett you already

said i had the right number 57 alfredton road where are you calling from i'm calling from

illinois what what is that about then well i have information about him i have pictures of him with

his pants down with his what he sent pictures on the internet with no pants on no yes he did

Instead, he sent pictures with his penis on the internet, on the computer.

Yes, he did, bitch.

Anyway, so what are you saying?

Get a 22?

Yep.

No, no, no, no.

You got to get the 1911.

What the fuck is that?

Model 45.

It's got three safeties on it, and it'll blow the fucking head off of anything, mate.

Yeah, but the problem is if you start off with it, you're going to develop a flinch like nothing else.

That might be true.

All right, so here's a question then.

Do they sell a gun holster for my foot, like I can put it around my ankle?

Yeah.

That's what I want.

I want to walk around with it on my ankle.

Yeah, if you want to do something like that,

that means you have to get a super tiny one that's going to hold.

For all of the 300 murder shows that my wife and I have watched,

you want to have something that doesn't eject shell casings,

so a revolver would be key, but it only has six shots.

Or you just wrap a plastic fucking shopping bag around your gun,

Boom, boom, boom, the plastic bag collects all your shell casing.

Just that.

Yeah, without a shell casing, without a witness, you're getting away with murder.

Well, I'm just looking because, you know, it's a bad area where my car is parked every day.

So I want to have a gun when I go to the garage, you know.

Was there a bunch of Puerto Ricans down there?

No, it was a bunch of blacks.

I'm not saying anything, but you know how they are.

Well, no, because recently there's been a thing where the parking garage that I use,

If you get out there at night

And you go to get to your car

They wait inside the garage

And they wait for someone to go to their car

And then they come up and they beat you up

So I want to shoot them

That's what I want to do

I want them to come to beat me up

And I want to shoot all the black people

You're not in Florida anymore

Where you can just get away with that

You'll get fucking pinched in Pennsylvania

How am I going to get pinched if I'm getting beat up

What am I going to do

I've got to shoot them right

Yeah, let's call somebody from the UK and ask them.

Why?

Why can't I shoot someone who's beating me up?

This is a free country.

I care if they're beating you up and you can't escape.

Yeah, she can shoot them.

I hope Romney wins the presidential election.

A Republican in the office, then I can.

I hope Zimmerman fucking gets off.

This is my pee-pee.

Tell me they need a catchy song.

This is my pee-pee.

It is very large.

That's what she said.

Williams

William Burns

Confirm

Report

William

I object

Objection

Get your penis out of your hand

This is ridiculous

This is the last one

This is William

Oh we got two left

This is it

No more lonesome

No more numbers

Man I gotta go to bed

It's past two o'clock

What's wrong with you

You're working man

Car wash being fucking racist

William Leaney

I'll get this

Hello

Hello is William there

Yeah

Who's this

Yes, good morning, Mom. This is Brent Westwood calling from the Unauthorized Purchase Machines.

I'm in a call center in the United States.

Are you available to speak about some charges on your visa?

Oh, I believe so, yes. Are you an authorized user on the visa account?

Yes.

And what is your name, ma'am?

Lene, Joyce Lene.

All right, Joyce. I'm going to read off you some charges here and see if you can speak to any of these.

these are purchases made um and it goes uh something like this uh it looks like these

were purchased at a at a movie store there is uh schindler's fist shaving ryan's privates

glad he ate here driving into miss daisy riding miss daisy batman in robin blowjob impossible

dyke hard star whores sorest rump edward penis hands do you know anything about these purchases

is made at the at the movie store no we don't go to the movies no you don't are you sure your

husband hasn't been ordering something online or maybe your grandson or something like that

isn't making them no no not at all no here are some more of the uh of the of the purchases here

um six degrees of penetration legally boned throbbing hood when harry ate sally no don't

carry on we we don't go at all to the any movies oh no i've not been for years oh you haven't been

for years huh well uh here's the here's the problem man these purchases are being made at

the at the picture shows uh on your credit card account uh there's also been some purchases made

uh for uh uh what looks like an escort service for something about two girls one cup you know

anything about this no nothing no we're we're just well we're we're 80 years old

just some pensions in the village huh well i'm very sorry to hear about this ma'am i hope that

this won't uh i hope this won't uh affect your affect your credit rating or anything of that

nature what do i do about it uh well i think that you should really talk to your husband and see if

he's been ordering these behind your back no he hasn't because he doesn't no no is he blind

No, but he's, uh, no, he doesn't mess about with anything like that.

Is he stupid?

Sorry?

Oh, sorry, let me put my supervisor on the phone. Go ahead.

Yes, hi, um, you said your husband isn't blind, but he doesn't know about things?

No, he's 85. He doesn't do anything like that himself.

Is he stupid, then?

Sorry?

Is he a stupid person?

No.

Are you sure? If he doesn't know about movies, he doesn't know what it is, maybe he's stupid.

No, not at all.

Does he have a potato that he thinks is a cat?

Sorry?

Does he have a potato that he thinks is a cat?

Don't be silly.

Yeah, he does.

He calls it, the cat's name is Chester, and it's a potato.

No.

I had a potato once, and I called it Chester.

I put it in the microwave, and I made it blow up.

Mr. Cross, Mr. Cross, we have another report coming in.

What?

This particular account just rented another movie, Free My Willie.

Why are you being funny?

I mean, I don't know anything about these things.

They're dirty movies, Mom.

Your husband's been renting the dirty movies behind your back.

Oh, don't be silly.

That's true.

We have the proof.

This is my pee-pee.

This is one of the movies you're playing at right now.

This is my pee-pee.

That's the movie This Is My Pee-Pee.

He got that movie also.

I'm going to play some of it right now.

This is the intro.

Are you there?

Yeah.

This is my pee-pee.

I think you're being silly now, so just ring us and behave yourself.

Okay.

Sorry.

Bye.

At least he was polite.

Told me to go to Wank Off and behave myself.

That's fantastic.

Wank Off and behave yourself.

That's nice.

He should go masturbate and be good.

She just hung up.

3182.

Yes, hello.

2182.

3182.

This is William Fart.

Hello.

Hi, William Fart.

I'm calling from the United Movie Machines

we have you down for a bill

of movies that you haven't paid for

and Dirty Aaron is now going to read the list of movies

go ahead

yes sir are you there

yes good morning this is the supervisor

I have these charges on your account

I have some charges on your account

charges on my account

at the movies

yes yes let me name off some of these titles

Schindler's Fist

Shaving Ryan's Privates

Glad He Ate Here

Do you know anything about these movies?

I don't know anything.

Who is this person?

This is Brent Westwood.

Then the other one is This Is My Pee-Pee Here.

It's playing here right now.

It's what?

Well, the movie's called This Is My Pee-Pee.

This is my pee-pee.

Are you aware of these charges on your account?

Mr. Westwood, are you still there?

Yes.

This person just purchased two more movies, one called Rambone and the other one's called

Buttman and Frobbin.

Oh, you're going to need to take care of this account, sir.

We got another one pending, School of Cock.

I'm not sure what that one's about.

You're going to have to take care of this account very soon, sir, because right now

it's up above about 160 quid of charges on your account.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your dirty movies.

Are you stupid?

he just ordered a little black

Sambo also.

Wait a minute. He also just

purchased on pay-per-view Black Cockdown.

Yeah, it looks like you've been having a wank

and trying to make me pay for it.

I'm not down with that. He also got Titanic.

Oh, and he got Titanic.

Did you have a wank right there at the end of the Titanic too?

You know the scene in the car?

Rub one out to

Leonardo DiCaprio right there.

He your type?

Captain. Captain John Smith.

Alright, we're done.

Alright. Bye. See you guys.

See you, Zach Klein, on your ass.

Ken, Big Ken, on your ass.

Go on down this week, Carlito.

Whatever. He's still on the line.

What is it, old man?

Hang up the phone. I command you.

He wants some more names.

Hang on right here.

Buffy the Vampire Lair.

Blown in 60 seconds.

Breast side story.

Was that enough for you, Chief?

chief he's like i want to know more about these movies all right bye see you bye cat dirty aaron

you're out of here too see you later man bye laters yeah bye too bad ken's gonna lose this

week all right everybody well thanks for listening to madhouse radio it was a weird show but we had

fun all right good uh be sure to tune in later on for a podcast update that'll be coming up on

the website uh tomorrow is friday that's all i got for you saturday uh keep in mind zolar

zolar vision.tv saturday night zolar will be doing a show he starts i believe at 11 or 10 p.m

be sure to check him out a good buddy zolar zolar vision.tv kdk also kdk prank calls.com

does a show tomorrow uh saturday night also as well and be sure also to look out on uh the pla

TLA website.

Brad's got a new collection.

He stopped the phone show podcast, but he's renamed it the Snow Plow Show.

Yeah.

Be sure to check that out.

Excuse me.

Be sure to check that out.

Subscribe to that as well.

And we're out of here.

Have a good night, everybody.

Have a good weekend.

I am bisexual.

I'm fat.

I took a big shit.

We eat every day.

You want, Mike Tucker?

Get my pussy.

Here's Milkman.

Calls (44, 1 h 48 min of 3 h 33 min)

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