MadhouseSearch

The Recipe For Making Love

20 Sep 2012 · 3 h 16 min · 27,653 words · source

Calls (58, 2 h 1 min of 3 h 16 min)
  1. YouNow user asked about number live 55 s clip ↓
  2. Caller asks about Kenny Loggins and Vishnu live 3.4 min clip ↓
  3. Calls Zappos about Nike Air Sambo live 3.8 min clip ↓
  4. Zappos employee asked about shoe names and personal items live 4.1 min clip ↓
  5. Zappos customer service about song and recipe live 7.2 min clip ↓
  6. Radio station prank to James Grump's wife live 6.4 min clip ↓
  7. Taxi service in UK asked for pickup live 2.2 min clip ↓
  8. Car seller asked about truck mileage live 2.7 min clip ↓
  9. Woman selling used clothes and potty live 6.9 min clip ↓
  10. Taxi driver Rog at gym live 1.1 min clip ↓
  11. Taxi driver accused of being Gandu live 4.1 min clip ↓
  12. Burj Al Arab hotel asked about buildings live 2.5 min clip ↓
  13. Turkish Kitchen prank call live 2.0 min clip ↓
  14. Buick pickup threat call live 3.3 min clip ↓
  15. Taxi history inquiry live 34 s clip ↓
  16. Rottweiler pups and Chloe talk live 33 s clip ↓
  17. Mickey message call live 30 s clip ↓
  18. Army friends call about Milkman's table live 3.3 min clip ↓
  19. Call to UK Godfather about birthday live 56 s clip ↓
  20. Call to glass repair place live 1.6 min clip ↓
  21. John Batchelor residence birthday call live 2.1 min clip ↓
  22. Woody's Diner argument over muffins and food live 7.8 min clip ↓
  23. Eddie's place asking for sodium chloride live 1.6 min clip ↓
  24. Straw hat pizza UK call live 1.1 min clip ↓
  25. Turkish Cuisine confused with Turkish Kitchen live 1.8 min clip ↓
  26. Mongol Turkish Cuisine asked about Turkish Kitchen live 1.1 min clip ↓
  27. Chuck E. Cheese prank request live 5.9 min clip ↓
  28. Bobby's Family Services prank live 1.2 min clip ↓
  29. International Plumbing Machines water call live 42 s clip ↓
  30. Ireland water call with Michael Lehane live 1.1 min clip ↓
  31. Michael Cagney football scout call live 45 s clip ↓
  32. High School Football Scouting Machines tennis call live 1.1 min clip ↓
  33. Skype chat caller about Dalton Park live 40 s clip ↓
  34. Milkman's phone carrier call live 1.3 min clip ↓
  35. David Lillis call from UK live 32 s clip ↓
  36. David Constantine call from UK live 1.0 min clip ↓
  37. Customer demands computer back from store live 5.9 min clip ↓
  38. Called Shira about wrong computer live 1.6 min clip ↓
  39. Hatshit P. Kushma about computer live 1.1 min clip ↓
  40. Customer service about video files on device live 2.3 min clip ↓
  41. Misdirected call to female voice live 53 s clip ↓
  42. Wrong phone activation dispute live 3.4 min clip ↓
  43. Accusations and argument over phone theft live 1.1 min clip ↓
  44. Prank call explanation and confusion voicemail 2.4 min clip ↓
  45. Natalie Kaufman about computer feces live 2.5 min clip ↓
  46. Call to Breast Westwood head programmer live 1.8 min clip ↓
  47. Call to Charlie about prank history live 45 s clip ↓
  48. Call to Charlie about coke order prank live 1.2 min clip ↓
  49. Call to Do Drop In restaurant live 1.0 min clip ↓
  50. Call to Faizan about Jin's visit live 45 s clip ↓
  51. Call to Faizan about sex invitation live 47 s clip ↓
  52. Call to Frank Murphy about debt collection live 1.4 min clip ↓
  53. Call to John and Marie Connery live 34 s clip ↓
  54. Call to Jimbo from insane water machine ivr 30 s clip ↓
  55. Call to Brian Cadogan with southern accent live 47 s clip ↓
  56. Mr. Stewart prank call live 51 s clip ↓
  57. Automated voice messaging system ivr 39 s clip ↓
  58. Plumbing company Mr. Hanky Panky live 50 s clip ↓

Transcript

Have my computer at the...
Do you want any food?
No, I want pussy.
I'm going to hang up because that's very rude.
Why is that rude?
Do you...
Why do you think that's rude?
You asked.
It is.
Yeah, that's right.
Because you were standing over top of the computer taking a shit on it, weren't you?
What the...
What are you talking about, you...
Well, this is what happens, man.
I'm not playing no party games.
I'm starting to hang up the phone, lady.
I fucked you, son of a bitch.
Stop making us get to crying.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all my life long.
You're perfect.
Why don't you piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
Thank you, everybody.
Radio, September the 20th, 2012.
All night in America, and the rest of the world, for that matter.
I'm the host, Carlito.
You are the listener.
Insert name here.
Got the man, Nookman, here also.
Nookman!
Hey, money, too!
Give us a play, my friend.
And so good to hear you're one of these sons, my friend.
Having a wonderful journey as always.
How's things going?
I know you have some great things in store for us tonight.
I've got a lot of, yes, good point.
Oh, man, try to stay awake tonight, all right?
We're on a roll so far.
Huh?
For what?
So far, you've got one week without falling asleep.
Let's see if we can keep that going.
Huh?
Can you get that, Griff?
Yeah, whatever.
We also got...
Dude, are you still doing that recording?
Dude, that's kind of romantic, I want you.
you jim stewart's here also jim stewart oh my god that matters jim stewart.com oh my god welcome
back my brother yeah i had a milkman nice to be here again jim you had a i edited uh yesterday
i finally got to editing uh last week's show you you did really good man yeah really yeah you did
good yeah especially with the high one horse i don't know what to call that guy man and his
and his wife
and he just
wants to blow
your brains out
man
good stuff
nice
good times
poo poo
poo poo
did you get my
emails during the
weekend
yeah
yeah
Jin sent me a few
remix versions of
the poo poo guy
on youtube
brilliant
MC Hammer
that is so good
yeah makes you think
man
it's a video for
everything out there
uh yeah
so here we are
starting at a
decent time tonight
we're gonna have fun
doing prank quals quals wow send your request over over at madhouse live.com over there you
can use the request to prank form and send your prank call requests that's how it works uh if
you're using aol or yahoo still stuck five six seven years ago you can use those things they
work here still madhouse radio on aol and yahoo instant messenger and if you're using a send
Ben Messenger, madhouseatlive.com.
Of course, Twitter is out there, Twitterverse.
Twitter, you can tweet me, twit, twat, whatever, over at Madhouse.
Facebook also, Madhouse Live on Facebook.
All that's there.
Milkman, you having a good week this week, man?
How's it been?
Oh, yeah, my niece has been busy and busy and heck.
But, yeah, man, I've been having a great week, dude.
Happy to be alive.
It's been actually very pleasant, the weather and such, too, man.
So it's interesting change I'm getting used to.
All right, yeah, Dirty Aaron.
Andy messaged me already tonight.
Oh, you got to do something about Dirty Aaron.
I'm like, what happened?
I'm playing Dirty Aaron in fantasy football.
I'm like, okay.
You got his avatar.
He made his avatar of the team Goatsy.
You know, Goatsy, the guy.
I know, Jin, you know.
You're a big fan of Goatsy.
It's the guy spreading his ass cheeks.
Oh, God, man.
Aaron, change that.
Put Blue Waffle up there.
I don't know if I'm a fan, but yeah.
Dirty Aaron
Andy says he's grossed out
because in order for Andy
to watch his team he's got to
sit there and watch the scoreboard
while football's going on
I'm sure he shows the avatar
so he has to sit there and stare at Goatsy the whole time
change it to
Blue Waffle I think that's more
Andy's alley
up Andy's road there melts his butter a little bit
BlueWaffle.net
change that Dirty Aaron
right away
Anyway, last I looked, the Giants were pounding the Carolina Panthers.
I think it was like 17-0 for the show start down.
I don't know what the score is now, but holy shit.
Milkman, you're a big Panthers fan.
What's going on, huh?
I don't know what's going on, dude.
You don't know.
You're like, well, Carolina's got a team, what?
What team is that?
Yeah.
The Charlotte Hornets.
The Giants are up 23-0 right now with 12 minutes left in the third quarter.
Wow.
Wow, commanding lead.
I really wish I had Eli Manning on my team, but fucking Richie has him.
Giggles over there has him on his team, and he doesn't want to fucking participate right.
He's got people that are injured on his team and shit.
Asshole.
I'm going to dump his team.
I told him over the weekend.
I said, hey, I'm going to dump your team.
Shit for brains.
Why is he not playing anymore?
Well, he doesn't know what he's doing.
He's like, I don't know.
I don't know how to do it.
I am playing.
I check it every day.
But I have shit players.
Yeah, but if you've got a player who's not going to play that week,
you've got to put him on your bench
and replace him with someone who's going to play, stupid.
It's all right there, man.
ASB did a great job of showing you who's going to play,
who's going to make the points, who's not.
Even Jim Stewart could figure it out.
He's a British fag.
He doesn't know anything about American football.
I don't know anything about fake football either.
Yeah, fantasy football.
Jim Stewart's an Olympian.
I mean, what do you expect, dude?
Of course, he's a master sportsman.
There you go.
Hey, all right, so let me see what Nunu's got going on here.
The Stewart House Hotel.
And have you talked to the Stewart House Hotel in the past?
You have talked to the Stewart House Hotel in the past, haven't you?
Yeah, yeah, I made a massive prank on them.
I called up, like, 20 taxi companies around Aylesbury and sent them all to Hartwell House.
Oh, very nice.
Well, Nunu sent that number, and he wants you to call them tonight.
Special for Nunu's birthday tonight
So you should do that
Happy birthday
Happy birthday Nunu
Full star
We don't even know Nunu's name
We don't know if he's got cerebral palsy
We don't know if it's a girl or a boy
But it's his birthday
He doesn't have cerebral palsy
He's got Tourette's
There's something about Nunu
That we've never heard his voice
Or seen a picture or something
You know what I think Nunu is
Remember that movie, Mask?
Not the Jim Carrey version, but the 80s version with the guy with the big fucked-up, blown-up face?
I think Nunu has that.
I think that's what's up.
I don't know.
Maybe he has a really squeaky voice or something.
I think he has a prank mask or something like that with Tourette's.
Maybe he's got Bell's Palsy, like permanent Bell's Palsy.
Like his right corner of his mouth doesn't move, so he's like...
Oh, that's a smoke.
Hello.
Hello.
And he just dribbles all the time.
You've got to prank master with that.
And then throw also an English accent in there, Jim.
Can you do it?
I've heard Nunu's laugh.
He said the prank once.
It was a soundboard.
And he's laughing in the background.
You can hear him giggling a little bit.
And he sounded normal, but it was a long time ago.
Dude, that wasn't him, man.
That was a TV show he was watching, dude.
He's another soundboard.
he was playing a soundboard behind the soundboard to throw us off so you think he sounds normal when
he laughs oh dude who says ask your sister my voice sounds like oh wow milkman milkman has a
sister new dude don't say that she he's that serious talk or milkman's from he'll punch you
in the teeth an english queer all right look we got requests to pranks here including one
from last Friday that we didn't get to
in time for the show.
I didn't mean to divulge your issue, could I?
We have a prank here
from Dustin
for us to call Garrett to start a fight
with all our redneck friends on the phone.
We'll have to wait until the last hour of the show
when we get a lot of people on, I guess, for that one.
So that's on the board.
UK Godfather sent in a number yesterday.
Let's see.
There were a load of messages
and chat on YouNow.com.
Some people put up random numbers on there.
I have included the numbers below.
That's all we got.
We just got numbers.
All right, well, this will warm us up a little bit.
Let me see what I can do here.
I'll say, I saw your number and you chat.
YouNow.
What's YouNow.com?
That sounds fun.
Milkman, you hear that?
People chat.
You should go there and look for a girlfriend, right?
YouNow.com.
Write that down.
YouNow.com.
Milkman, you go there and, you know, wear a nice tie, you know, do your hair nice, and get on cam.
YouNow.com.
YouNow.com.
Yep.
Y-O-U-Now.com.
oh is that is that anything to do with gort man because like if they don't play with that company
dude it's my best half game account gort's getting shut down apparently they're getting bought out by
yahoo and they're gonna shut them down hello hi i was you saw your number on you now wait what i
saw your number on you now oh okay what's up you wanted to talk hi you're looking for someone to
talk with sorry i can't really hear you you're looking for someone to talk with no not really
Why'd you put your number on there, then?
You don't know?
Well, you won't be able to call you, right?
What are you doing?
I don't think he's going to call me.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
I'm at school.
Oh, what are you doing at school this time?
Back to school night.
Are you in college?
No.
You're in high school?
Yeah.
Oh, man, when do you graduate?
Are you senior?
No.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm a sophomore.
Oh, wow.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
Milkman might want to talk to you.
Milkman, talk to her.
What do you mean, Milkman?
I'm here, I'm here.
All right, Jen wants to talk to you.
You're now, bro.
Yeah, I think she's stupid.
Hello.
I heard that.
Thanks.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
How do you stupid do?
I don't want to talk to kids.
What's wrong with you?
How old is she?
She's a sophomore, so I don't know, 14, 15?
Oh, okay.
We're all excited.
Don't act like you didn't know, Jen.
Oh, she's 20.
She should be 20, right?
In some countries, that's legal.
Not here in America.
it's an american show but here we go another a teenager that uh uk godfather
hello hello yeah hi i saw you on you now yeah i saw your number in you now first of all before
we get anywhere how old are you you're not like 15 or something right this is cross
now my name is cross i'm confused my name is cross man you're so stupid you're so stupid
Can you touch your elbows behind your back?
Can you touch your nose with your elbow?
Can you try touching your elbows behind your back?
I can't. I'm on the phone.
Oh, well, put the phone down.
My name is Cross.
Yeah, cry.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
You put your number in you now for people to call you.
Interested men.
I did.
Yeah, you did.
Older men, though.
Oh, my God, you so did.
Jack, man.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
This could be interesting.
This could be good.
Hey, you want to stand in line and listen to us call people?
Doesn't that sound cool?
Oh, you ever heard of Kenny Loggins?
Hello?
What?
Have you ever heard of Kenny Loggins?
What?
Oh, have you ever heard of Kenny Loggins?
No.
Oh, he's a cool guy.
He's a music man.
He plays music on the guitar.
You there still?
Hey, don't go anywhere.
Listen to this.
It's going to be funny.
I promise you.
What's your name?
No.
Hi, is Vishnu there?
Yeah, hold on.
Hurry up.
Hello?
Yeah, Vishnu.
Yeah.
Listen, I was trying to buy some furniture.
Huh?
I sent my wife down there to buy furniture.
Who is this?
This is Cross.
Listen, I sent my wife down to that stupid store of yours to buy furniture.
She sat down on the couch and she said you sat down next to her.
You were holding her hands and telling her about how good it felt on the couch.
That's good.
Yeah, and she said that you said that it's good to have sex on a couch, that it feels good.
Hey, hey.
Fucking Vishnu.
Hey, girl, are you there still?
Is the girl gone?
No, I think she's still at it.
Girl, hey.
Hey, don't go anywhere, all right?
Hi.
Don't go anywhere.
We're calling Vishnu back.
Vishnu.
Vishnu.
Vishnu's not talking.
Hey, girl, don't go anywhere.
We're going to call Zappos.
You ever buy shoes on Zappos?
Do you like shoes?
Are shoes cool?
How many shoes you got in your closet?
Oh, you got a lot of them?
I don't know.
How many, if you had to think, how many shoes you have?
Like five?
Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.
I'm Perry, and I'm a member of...
I bet you got like 10 pairs of shoes because you're so cool.
Thank you for holding.
link for quality assurance this call can be monitored or recorded i know this girl's really
cool jen don't mess with her thank you for calling zappos.com this is hannah how may i help you hey
big hannah how you doing how you doing i'm good big girl how's zappos doing today zappos is doing
all right that's good talking with my i'm my name is cross listen yeah listen i usually don't talk
talk to women on the phone because my wife doesn't let me okay all right so you want me to deepen my
voice and change my name to mike that's not funny oh you're such a flirt what's up do you like you
like the party cross um i don't like to party oh you know what i mean by party right no like i don't
like to come home till like four in the morning oh wow you're a party harder yeah i have a skew
number i don't think it's gonna match what you're looking for do you guys have nike shoes we sure
sure do all right do you have the air the new air sambo i am not sure is this q number that
you have off zappos no okay um so it's the nike and what's it called air sambo air sandal or
sando sam s-a-m-b-o let's see it doesn't look like we have anything by the name of
nike air sambo oh are there any like uh brothers there they might know brothers yeah i'm not sure
I'm not sure what you mean.
You know, like, Africans, African-Americans?
There sure are here.
Can you ask one of them real quick?
Can you hold for me for just a second?
Are you going to ask or what are you doing?
I'm sure going to ask right now.
I sure am.
Okay, don't be trying to trick me and stuff, all right?
Just ask one.
Huh?
Cross, I'm definitely not going to be tricking you at all.
All right, you're so cool.
Thanks.
Okay, hold on one sec, okay?
Okay.
Hey, girl.
She sounds really fit, and the other girl is gone.
Shit.
Oh, man.
The other girl was really cool, Jen.
She sounded really fucking
confused. I don't know how old she was, man.
She was like 15.
What was her name? We didn't get it.
Hello? Sambo?
Oh, okay.
I actually don't sell
we don't sell the Nike Air
Sambos. No? You didn't ask any of the
black people around there and see if they knew?
You know, I don't really think it
but I sure did look into it for you,
okay? Oh, okay.
What about the Nike-itis?
The Nike-itis. I-T-I-S?
All righty, let's see here for you.
It actually doesn't look like we have the Nike Air-itis either.
Okay, what about the Ryan White?
The what?
A-R-Y-A-N White.
A-R-Y-A-N.
And is that the name of the shoe?
Yeah, it's a white shoe with like an iron cross on each side.
It doesn't look like we have those either.
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
We're just not doing very well for you right now with the things that you want.
How many shoes do you have in your closet?
How many shoes do I have in my closet?
yeah i have about maybe 20 you do okay are they pretty shoes you have nice pretty shoes
they are pretty they're very pretty how many purses you have i have maybe about 15 purses
do you have like stuff in one purse do you always move it over like do you have like yeah like
things in the older purses that you don't use uh-huh i think it's sexy when a girl has like a
nice small uh dark purse to wear with a night dress you know dress for going out at night
Like a clutch.
Like a clutch.
I was, you took the words.
That's what those are called.
Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah.
And what do you like, what do you usually carry in the purse?
Everything.
I'm kind of like Mary Poppins.
Right.
So what do you have?
You've got your credit cards in there, debit card?
Uh-huh.
Cell phone?
Yep.
Have any meds?
Like, you know, do you carry any emergency meds?
I don't, I do carry meds, yes.
You have like, are you diabetic?
I'm not a diabetic, no.
I have seizures.
Oh, you do?
So you got your seizure medication?
Mm-hmm.
Like feminine napkins, too, and stuff like that?
I don't carry feminine napkins.
Oh, you do the other thing.
But can you hold for me for one sec?
Where are you going now?
Are you going to check your purse?
I...
Kate, let's have some fun.
Let's take your purse and dump all the contents on the desk,
and let's see what you got.
Can you just hold for me for one quick sec?
Fine.
Cross, thank you.
Okay.
Aw, she's so nice.
She's like, yeah, I get seizures.
That's true.
I think she's having a seizure right now.
I'll go when she comes back if she had a seizure.
So from what I understand, I'd heard this before.
I didn't think it applied to all Zappos employees.
I thought it was just executives.
But apparently when you get hired there, they offer you $1,000.
$1,000?
From the beginning.
And they tell you you can leave and take the $1,000 or you can stay and work.
So plus your salary, you get $1,000?
No.
No, if you decide you don't like, like, if you start the first day,
let's say, look, if you want to leave right now, go out the door,
take $1,000 and go.
Wow, that's not bad.
I don't.
Supply to every Zappos store in America, and I might actually make some money.
Well, it's just a, it's the Internet shoes, Internet shoes.
I couldn't buy shoes on the Internet, man.
I only buy shoes on the Internet.
Really?
We can't all be archery champions.
What the hell is she doing?
That's why I didn't want us to hold
I think the feminine active thing pissed her off
Call back on the other line
The other thing
The other thing
I don't think she appreciates the feminine acting thing
But thank you for holding
And I'm going to go ahead and transfer you over
To somebody different now
Did you have a seizure?
Oh that's very inappropriate
No just tell me if you need help
Thank you so much for your patience
while being transferred over.
My name is Christiana in the resource desk.
Hi, Big Christiana.
Hi, am I speaking with Cross?
Yes, I think she needs someone to put a wallet in her mouth
because she's having a seizure, she said.
Who said?
The girl, the shoe girl that I was just talking to.
She said she was having a seizure.
Okay.
Can you check with her, please?
I'm very concerned about her.
Sure, sure.
Hold on just a moment, please.
Okay.
Her name was Hannah.
Oh, nice, nice music.
She passed to me.
I didn't appreciate that.
I've got the recipe for making love.
I got the recipe right here, Jim.
Yeah, I have too.
It's penis.
It doesn't work for me.
It's pussy and cock.
I'm offended by this song.
It's a great song.
Ken says it's a roofie and penis.
Making fuck.
You think they're really checking if she has a seizure?
They got to be thrown on the ground.
I'm not having one.
She is.
See?
She's screaming.
She's having one.
I like how Milkman's line came right as she picked up the phone.
I'm thinking, I did not.
That was really gross of you, Milkman.
You must be into that.
I'm getting gay just listening to that
I'm going to have sex to this song
Such a brilliant tune, wow
Carolina scored
26-7 now
We're catching up
Same singer
I love the chat room
Can't say we're on hold
old is your girl saying to me i really think they're checking to see you having a seizure
they're like at this old massive i touch it everyone we have an alert someone is having a
seizure thank you so much for holding is she okay yeah fine she wasn't having any kind of a seizure
i just talked to her did you are you sure because one of the signs of that is denial that they're
they say, oh, I'm not having a seizure because they lose their mentality.
Their mental stability goes away.
I've talked to her, and she's perfectly fine.
Okay.
Okay, and is there something that I can help you with?
Well, first of all, while I was on hold, there was a song.
I don't know if you heard it or you know what it is.
Okay.
It's called I Have a Recipe for Making Love.
Why would you play something like that?
That's offensive and disgusting.
I can definitely pass your feedback along.
It is just a song that does come up on occasion in the rotation,
but I can definitely let someone know that you don't appreciate it.
Well, I want an explanation what the recipe is for making love.
Sir, unfortunately, I'm not able to answer that question.
Do you not know?
So I can't answer that question.
I didn't write the song, so I don't really know what it's about.
Well, the song was written by Harry Connick Jr.
Okay.
I'm still not able to answer as to what particular recipe it is.
Now, is there something Zappos related that I can help you with?
Well, yes.
Well, the recipe basically you have some type of alcoholic drink to start off with.
Red wine, mostly for the women.
They like that to relax them.
And then you turn on the lights a little bit.
and you need it like a bed, you know, like a bed.
Or sometimes a couch works too, but preferably for the ladies, like a nice car.
I'm sure you would prefer, you know, something comfortable, right, like a bed.
You wouldn't just want to be a kind of girl that goes in the back seat or anything like that.
And then what you do is then the girl lays down, and the man kisses her
and tells her he loves her very much.
If there isn't anything that was related, I'm going to have to disconnect the call
because this is inappropriate.
The phone I was on, the phone was Zappos,
and the song said about the recipe for making love.
So this is Zappos related.
Zappos related would mean a product that's on the website.
It's not going to be based on the song
or what you feel is the recipe for making love.
I'm happy to help you look at items on the website,
but I'm not comfortable with this phone call,
and if you do persist in this,
they will disconnect the call.
Okay, but the most important thing,
and this is Zappos related, 100%,
is that it's only supposed to be for men and women who are married only.
You're supposed to save.
It's part of the beautiful sanctity of marriage
and the blessing of a marriage under God,
Christian marriage, Christian love.
And it's for procreation,
to spread the word of Jesus through procreating
and expressing love is one of the gifts that God gave us.
Sir, I'm going to disconnect the call.
I hope you have a good night.
And the man poses a wrecked penis inside of the vagina that's aroused.
That's it.
All right, cool.
I like how she's saying, I don't want to.
She's actually like, I'm not interested in talking about the recipe for making wine.
And I laugh because I'm thinking, why are we having this conversation?
She thought it was funny.
Yeah, she secretly wanted to have that discussion.
She secretly wanted to know the recipe.
I have a special recipe for that, guys.
Yeah, red wine, we heard all about it
Red wine, telling her you love her
And a comfortable location
Kissing her
Telling her you love her
Over here it kind of suffices if you just pull your trousers down
That's the prep work
I was just getting started
But she got all bashful
That's not even the beginning
That's just a scratch in the surface
Did you have any one of those young girls
Members there you was calling before?
Why Milkman, yes
What is your problem?
My God.
No, no, no.
I thought it was a good one for the next time.
Instead of being Cross, call Jack Masterson.
Send all the numbers to me, please.
I would like to call them privately when the show is over.
I do not have any more yet.
I'm sure UK Godfather will be more than happy.
Call him back, Cross, and then you can be Jack Masterson or introduce Jack Masterson.
Okay, sounds good.
Then we'll put you on the phone.
You sound just like Jack Masterson without the marker.
I also like Jack Asterson.
Right.
Oh, man.
Oh, milkman.
Oh, milky.
Look at the Fire Engine Pub.
Pub.
The Fire Engine Pub.
If they answer, sing to them and say it's their wake-up call from BT.
Okay.
BT.
British Telephone Machine.
Oh, BT.
BT, yep.
That's what you and Tad used to call BT a lot, right?
Give them shit?
Yeah, we used to call it because they can't hang up.
Well, they can.
if you swear but normally like if you just like say something that's completely unrelated they
don't they can't do anything about it they just have to um stay on the line and listen listen to
you and just for 20 or 30 minutes with these guys you'll get them going and keep asking questions
and then i'll try to cut and then you'll say no no no ted's acting like jack jack jack hi this is
jack yeah jack can you send the request to prank really i'll check it thank you ken phone network
work error try again it's trying still going through all right well it's not going through
we'll call this sauna here instead and bristol and bristol yeah we're ask if the village sauna
ask if they're open and ask for sheila ask if she's been in lately or the owner of the lounge
okay cool sauna sauna you know that's a place where you go and you sweat your body i know i
use this sauna every day you tap your feet is that the sign no i i lift the towel for the men
Without your hands.
It's a UK number.
Why would the sauna be open at 3 o'clock or 4 o'clock in the morning?
Hey, ask Ping Pong.
He sent that in.
Does he know what time it is?
Do you know what time it is?
Yeah.
Someone claiming to be Tabachi sent in a number for James Grump's wife.
Please call Ms. Grump as a radio station host and tell her her household won a prize.
Ask her why she has been calling you nonstop for the past week and claim harassment.
Who is James Grump?
Any idea?
No idea. Milkman, you know who that is?
Never heard of him.
Nah, me neither. Let's find out.
I know Tabachi's real name.
I'm going to use Tabachi's real name for this call.
But do you Jack Masterson know as a character?
You do it really good with the radio show thing.
I don't know.
I haven't imagined that.
It's almost like I do a radio show.
That's not the same thing.
Hello?
Yes, hi. May I speak with Ms. Grump?
Just a minute.
Yes.
Yes, is this Ms. Grump?
Yes.
Oh, what are you doing there?
I'm calling from the radio station.
What do you mean from the radio station?
I'm calling from KBBY.
You've just won a prize.
Congratulations.
Do you mind repeating that?
You won a prize from the radio station.
I'm not even sure I was listening to a radio station.
Well, your information was passed on here a few months ago,
and you're in the pool for the prize, the grand prize.
You've won three...
Shut up.
You've won three AMC tickets.
Three what kind of tickets?
tickets it's for amc american movie company machine it's for the movie theater yeah which
movie theater is this it's movie theater it's troy adult movies it's an adult movie theater
and peep show and magazine store it has we have adult there's adult books and adult movies that
play here 24 hours a day you're calling me at uh 11 35 minutes of 11 to tell me this well yeah
Yeah, we're open 24 hours, so we'd like you to come down and watch a movie
and give us your rating information of the movie theater and the movies and the sound quality.
And when is this supposed to happen?
Well, when can you get down here? We can send a car for you.
We're going to send a Lincoln Town car down there for you.
Milkman is going to be driving it.
Well, what time of day or night are you talking about?
Well, when are you interested in coming down and watching the film?
Well, now, where is this supposed to be?
uh you you kind of lost me there it's on church it's on church street it's in a red district area
it's next to the liquor store you get free popcorn you get free lubricant and you get to
use the facilities as much as you like four hours worth of adult video adult movie watching you sit
down and you watch an adult movie do you know what an adult movie is an adult movie yes is that what
what she said yes well in my younger days i thought adult movies was something i shouldn't
watch as a teenager well now you can because you're grown up see this is a movie theater
where men come and they sit down and they watch the adult movies together well appreciate uh the
offer but um do you like girls or do you like boys i'm sorry do you like girls or boys i like
girls yeah good well that's a strange question oh well no we have we have movies for boys that
like boys too if that's the problem don't feel bad i don't know i'm i really uh it's almost uh
would you prefer what if i sent you a few movies then for you to watch send them to me to watch
yeah and then you can tell me what you think of the adult movie well what do i play them on
Do you have a DVD player?
We can send you one also.
No, I think I will just pass on this.
You're interested in watching the adult movie, aren't you?
Just a little bit?
I'm watching, I really don't know what channel it is,
but I think it's called Mrs. Doubtfire or something like that.
Oh, yeah.
See, you like that movie because it's a boy who dresses like a girl.
Yeah, I just had company, which just left about 10 minutes ago,
and I'm just trying to catch up now,
and I'm not sure what part of the movie I'm in.
But I really am not interested in anything of that at this time of night.
The movie I want to send you is called The Recipe for Making Love.
That's what it's called.
Would you mind repeating that, please?
The movie we want to send you is an adult movie called The Recipe for Making Love.
It stars Jim Stewart.
He's a new adult film star from the United Kingdom,
them and a woman named hannah and another girl named amber waves and uh you're sending that to
where my house yes yes was it sent it to your house with the dvd player and you watch this
movie and you masturbate to it and do whatever you want and then when you're done watching and
you have an orgasm and everything then you uh want you to write down your thoughts of what the good
parts were and the bad parts were well i'll tell you your uh your invitation is very enticing but
i i think i'll just pass on this you would you be interested in just masturbating perhaps
perhaps you can call me at a later date so you're interested in masturbating but in the meantime i'm
really not uh in the mood for anything uh that i cannot completely understand so i think i will
Well, thank you very much for your offer, and I will decline with gracious thanks to you, sir.
And with that, I will say goodbye.
I will bid you adieu then.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome, sir.
Goodbye, sir.
Okay, that was kind of weird at the end there.
What the fuck?
It's enticing.
Alrighty.
I love how you were like, yeah, starring Jim Stewart and Hannah.
Who the fuck?
Hannah, that's the seizure girl from Zappos.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
We got a number for taxis here.
Jim, would you like to call a taxi in the United Kingdom?
Cab in the UK, yeah, all right.
No, a taxi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a cab, yeah, a taxi cab.
Let's call them.
I'm going to call them.
Milkman's going to pick up.
Oh.
Hang on, Milkman.
Hang on, Carlito.
I got a fare.
Yeah, hello, how are you?
Yeah, excellent.
I need a taxi, taxi.
From where?
From there.
I want to come there to you.
From where, sorry?
Yeah, from your place over there, where you are.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I want to go to the airport.
Okay, are you going to come over to the base?
I'm going to come to the base. How do I get there?
Well, I don't know whereabouts you are.
Well, from the town centre, how do I get there?
From the town centre? Whereabouts in the town centre are you?
Outside, outside WH Smith, do you know?
By the galleries?
Yeah, that's it, exactly there.
Okay, you need to go there, do you?
No, I'm going to walk.
It's not that hard, because I like walking in the cold.
What, so you can see McDonald's, can you?
Not yet, no, but I could walk and see McDonald's, yeah.
Give it to Smith for the gallery.
Okay, yeah.
So basically, there's a gym on the corner.
Excellent.
You need to take a left at that gym, walk up to the top of that road,
go right into Roundabout.
Is it?
10-minute walk from there to be fair, mate.
To Roundabout.
Excellent. Yeah, no, I'd...
Yeah, send somebody to the galleries.
Will you send a man to the gallery?
Yeah. Okay, what's your name?
Stuart, Mr. Stuart.
Give me the mobile number, mate.
I don't have one, because I'm calling from the air.
air i'm calling from the air it's a new thing it's a system right if you stand on the corner by the
gem yes um i'll try to be there in five minutes you're all right i will be waiting for him thank
you very much what was that about wait wait let him come let him send someone and then call him
back in 10 minutes and ask him where the cab is and we'll laugh at him yes okay good keep that
there my milkman keep that on gort if you don't mind on the gort list please i would appreciate
All right. Got it. Thank you.
Thank you. Send me a Gorton Alert.
In about five minutes, we'll call.
It's better if he does something first, and then we fuck with him.
Yes, because that wastes the resources. Very good.
And then he gets angry, and then we have something to go on.
And then we have something to play with.
Very good. Milkman, you can learn something from Jim Stewart, you know?
Milkman's always, oh, do it now.
Do it now.
Do it now.
Tell him to crash the taxi.
Yeah.
It's a new thing.
Yes, this is McCracken.
Yeah.
Hi, I understand you have a four-pickup truck that's for sale with a factory-wheeled four-wheel drive?
Uh-huh.
All right, and how much are you asking for this stupid shit?
How much are you asking for this?
This.
This stupid shit.
$6,000?
How many stupid miles does it have on it?
Stupid miles?
Yeah.
This is Phil.
Who?
Phil.
I don't know exactly how many miles is on it.
I guess that's a little been rebuilt.
Are you near the truck right now?
No.
Can you check for me real quick?
quick no it's in the garage i'm gonna be it oh well i'll give you what if i were to give you
eight thousand for it if you were to help me out huh i'll give you eight thousand for it who is
this this is phil well yeah well sir can we please talk about the truck uh yeah we'll go check it
just tell me what the mileage is real quick i'm going to put in the computer are you there i'm
here three thousand oh you're at the truck now no i'm back in the house well i thought you were at
the truck then how would you know huh does the horn work on the truck yeah can i hear it does
The horn, the horn on the stupid truck.
Can you honk it?
I don't know.
I want to make sure it's working.
This is a phone.
This is a company's phone.
So?
Now honk the horn.
What's that got to do with the horn?
If you want to talk, you're going to talk about tomorrow, please.
You're stupid.
You know that?
Anyway, here's someone who's selling a 1995 blue Chevy for $3,500.
His name is Greg.
Let's do it.
I got a whole list of people selling things.
Jen, did you know that?
No.
It's very good.
Yeah.
Yep, people sell things.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system for...
Shut up.
Let's see, we have for sale 18 scrub tops, 2 pants, 2 jackets, size L and XL, asking $30 for all.
I also have a child potty, very clean, for $3.
All right, there you go.
Hey, a child potty.
That's where the kid takes a shit.
It's very low to the ground.
I think that's how it works, right?
Take a poop.
okay i got a good idea for this your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system
four two three that would have been a good one let me try it again yes hi i'm looking for the
scrub tops for sale two pants and a jacket machine hey okay all right and she wore these before
yeah she wore them before claimed they don't have furnace oh that's too bad um how many times does
she wear them a lot um i think they more like a couple of them she wore more than she did the
others okay does she have any that she hasn't washed yet that she wore any clothes any panties
or anything that she had to what that she hasn't washed yet like any panties or anything no that
she'd be willing to sell do you think she'd maybe sell her panties that she's worn why just because
i like to have the panties after a girl wears them does she have anything like that i give like
like 20 per panties for each one uh no do you have any panties maybe you sell uh no oh you don't
wear panties you don't half the time oh that's good how old are you i'm 54 oh you don't wear
panties a lot you like it oh that's nice i like that that's nice you take good care down there
and everything you're clean yeah oh but so you're like you're you're privates they go on your on
on your pants oh can't you maybe sell some of your pants like that after before you uh wash them
well i'll give you maybe like fifty dollars if you wear like the pants for like two days without
washing them like your sleeping pants yeah that you wear to sleep yeah mostly wear shorts oh
that's nice you're wearing a pair of uh shorts right now oh and how long were you wearing for
just tonight yeah i played a mile and i took a shower okay and then like so in the morning you
You don't take a shower, right?
You just take your pants off, your little shorts?
Do you do anything, like, when you sleep?
No.
You, like, touch yourself down there or anything with the pants on, the shorts on, anything?
Not that I know of.
Oh, you don't know if you do that?
Okay.
Well, would you, you wouldn't be willing to sell your dirty pants or anything like that?
I ain't never had nobody come right out and say stuff like that, but, you know, I don't knock, you know, like that.
You don't knock.
That's good.
You're very open-minded.
did i like that do you have a husband or anything or no i have a boyfriend oh you don't think he'd
care now he he doesn't live too far he lives further from me okay well that's cool that's
nice and convenient you know yeah i like that all right and then so and you also have a child
potty yeah okay and that's you're only asking for three dollars for that all right and then
And that's where you sit down and you take a shit in the potty?
Yeah, but the top come off and set it on a commode.
Okay, so maybe, I don't know, have you used it before?
Me?
Yeah.
No, my grandson did.
Oh, because I could maybe make a special wooden chair and we could put that on top and you could sit on it and I could watch you?
I don't know if I'd go that far or not.
Oh, well maybe just pee, not poop, but maybe a little pee-pee?
uh no no would you be willing to have your um is it your grandson's no who's it belong to who
who's who uses your son my daughter your daughter uses it no but my grandson used the potty oh do
you think maybe your grandson can use it before you sell it to me about that my daughter has it
i give you like a hundred dollars if your grandson like would go uh potty on it well i don't know how
How do you feel about that?
Oh, you want to, what's, do you want to, maybe we can call her and ask?
No, I can't.
She's working.
Oh, she's in the hospital?
Is that where she works?
Is she a nurse?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's very nice.
Very nice.
Well, do you think maybe when would be a good time to call you about getting this dirty underwear?
Ah, evening would be fine.
Okay.
Will your daughter be there maybe tomorrow evening?
Maybe.
Maybe.
Can you ask her for me tomorrow, during the day?
Hey, ask her, tell her that someone called for her dirty underwear and see if she'd be interested.
I'll pay like $50 per underwear, like whatever she wears tonight.
Whatever, tell her not to wash it, okay?
Okay, I'll tell her.
All right, I appreciate it.
Okay.
All right, you have a good night.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Holy shit.
She sounded really sophisticated, like what the fuck.
She sounded really, like, medicated.
We need to rent our taxi, babe.
Oh, yes, the taxi.
Thank you, Jin, see?
Milkman, you should send down a gort.
What happened?
Milkman, you see?
No, we left Milkman.
You didn't see?
No.
Yeah, he dropped out.
Why?
He's upset about that prank call.
He doesn't like it.
I don't know.
He's upset.
I don't like that.
That's not funny.
That's a lady.
That's a female.
Why are you talking to her like that?
Let me add him back first because he gets upset, Jin.
Do the show without him.
He gets mad.
Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.
Hey Milkman
Hey
Lost you there
We were talking to an old lady
About her panties
Did you hear that?
I heard part of that
Yeah man
I was like
I was like
I was like
Great call man
Yeah I'll save that for you
Because I know you like that
Older ladies
Yeah
I was hoping you'd ask
If she'd pee in the
Toilet
Toilet
Taxis
Hello
Yeah yeah
I ordered a taxi
I told you
Where are you waiting?
He's waiting
Where is he?
No mate
He's waiting outside the gym
Where are you?
He's waiting outside the gym
Is he?
Yeah, that's the 248, Jim.
Is it?
Can you give me his telephone number?
Yeah, yeah.
4-4, I'm going to give him your number so he can ring you, all right?
Ready?
Yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
Give it to me.
What is it?
Yeah, Rog.
It is 9-2-0.
Yeah?
4.
Right, we'll ring him straight away.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, bye-bye.
His name is Rog.
You heard him.
He's in the back.
I'm reading it again.
Oh, shit.
This is going to be great.
How do I...
Okay, I do plus 4-1-1 and then...
Yeah, plus 411 and then the rest of the number.
Do you need me to put it into the chat?
I think I can do it.
I think I finally learned how to do this.
I've got the number.
I'll put it into Skype.
All right.
And then you just have to click it.
Oh, cool.
Shit.
Shit.
One, two, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
There you go.
Try that.
Let's see.
Oops.
Oh, wait, wait.
Sorry.
That was my fault.
Hang on.
Let me try.
Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen listening.
uh where are you yeah i'm here i'm outside in the gym uh which side i'm in in the
inside of the out into the gym okay just let me come up from the car yeah yeah i'm standing by
the lights come where are you i can't see you are you in the light by the lights yes you are which
light are you by i'm just coming up now can you jump or wave so i can see jump you jump are you
jumping yeah i can't i can't see any jumping man are you jumping where are you you can see anybody
no i can see two people but i can't see anybody is jumping can you jump i'm in the middle of the
road oh no no oh in the middle of the road can you wave or something so i can see yeah no no
oh you are waving you are the waving man i see you yeah i see you yeah i'm coming do you see me
Which side?
Do you see me?
No.
Which side are you on?
I'm this side.
Look into the side.
Left or right?
Your right side.
That's it.
Yeah.
Keep walking that direction.
Can you see?
You need to give me a hand.
I'm in a wheelchair.
I need some assistance from you.
So can you give me the hand?
No problem.
No problem.
Walk this way.
I see you.
I can see you.
I see you.
Just keep coming that way.
I'm coming right way?
Yeah, yeah.
You're coming right way.
Keep coming.
Keep coming.
That's it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are almost there.
Almost there, man.
Yeah, nearly, that's it.
There you are.
Ah, yeah, excellent.
Actually, let me tell you something, my friend.
I lied to you.
I'm afraid I'm a liar and a cheat.
Huh?
I'm lying.
I cheated.
I told you a lie.
I'm not there.
I'm actually here.
Yeah.
I'm outside.
I'm in the Lawford Street.
Do you know Lawford Street?
Lawford Street?
I know Lawford Street, yeah.
Yeah, I'm there.
I'm actually there.
I mean, that's Lawford Street is my base.
Yeah, I know, I know.
You're at number five, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm number five, yeah.
Yeah, I'm above in the flat.
Do you know?
Yeah, but where are you now?
Yeah, I'm there, and what I'd like you to do,
I'd like to get inside the taxi, you know, your taxi,
and I want you to honk loudly the horn.
Do you understand?
You're confusing me, my friend.
Why do you mean?
Why are you confused?
Because it's nighttime, I can't beep.
But I want you to beep and wake people.
No, I can't, because it's nighttime.
I think.
Not allowed to be before 7.
Oh, that's not good, man.
But, okay, let me ask you something else.
Can I, if I come into the taxi, can I sit in the back and do dirty things?
No, mate.
Why?
I know who you are now.
I want to pee all over the back seat.
Can I do that?
Yeah, if you pay me 1,000 quid.
I won't pay you any money.
Don't be silly.
I want to get in there and pee all over the back seat, the front seat, the window, the dashboard.
Then you have to find somebody else, mate.
But I want to, can I pee with you?
I want to pee on you.
Can I do that?
No, man, I can't pee onto you.
What do you mean you want to pee onto me?
What are you, are you Gandu?
What is wrong with you?
I'm not Gandu.
The way I'm looking, I think you're Gandu, dude, innit?
What do you mean I'm Gandu, idiot?
Why are you swearing at me?
Yeah, I'm there, Lawford Street.
Hello?
Hello?
That's right, I mean, that's right.
Huh?
Yes, it's me.
What did he say?
He was all, I'll go run a, are you staying?
What the bloody hell?
Hello?
Rodney!
Do you want to eat that?
Yes, yes, yes.
Hang on.
Thank you, mate, thank you.
Oh my God.
Can I disconnect?
You can try that.
No, no, yeah, yeah, you can try and then call him back, I don't know.
Yeah?
How about I call the headquarters with him on the line?
Yeah, yeah, try that, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are we going to hit him on the back?
Any good? Any good?
Why is he done? He's done.
What's going on?
I don't know. I'm getting a number.
Yeah, I'm on. Yeah, I'm on.
Hello, yeah, yeah. It's Mr. Stewart.
I'm inside your taxi man with your taxi man, but he's not, he didn't, he's being rude.
Really? What's the problem?
Well, I said to him, I said, could I pee on the back seat?
And he said, no.
And he said, can he pee on me?
Well, yeah.
What do you mean?
Why are you saying that?
Shit, man.
You are shit, you idiot.
Hello?
Hello?
All right, I'm going to disconnect him.
And I'll try calling him back.
Oh, my God.
You should have just said that.
You were still waiting for him.
He would have tried to call him.
We could have heard him on the radio.
Hello?
Hello, yeah, yeah.
What happened?
You didn't pick me up.
Hello?
Randy?
Nothing.
Oh.
Have you talked to them before?
They seem to recognize you for some reason.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe?
I've called a lot of taxi companies.
I think he's like, I know who you are now.
UK Godfather, what's going on, man?
Do you know those people?
UK Godfather?
UK.
Yeah, he's not talking either.
You're stupid, UK Godfather.
Bye.
I want a call.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to be right here.
All right, let's see what else we got then.
Tabachi sending in a number.
No, he didn't.
That's the same one.
Same stupid number from stupid Tabachi.
Let's see here.
here. UK Godfather
sent in other taxis,
okay?
We got a number for the hotel, the
Burj, Dubai, all Arab,
the tallest building in the world.
That's a really big...
Hey, Godfather. Hi.
Hi. Well done.
Well done. Thank you. That's it?
The Burj Al Arab is a fucking amazing
hotel. Isn't it?
Just brilliant, beyond belief.
Yeah. We should go there one day.
We should?
should we all yeah we should all go there and get eat some pork yeah good morning virtual
arab this is alfred of matthew yes hi i'd like to have a pork sandwich please sorry sir i want
a big pork sandwich a big pig are you calling virtual arab uh-huh yeah well that's what you
said right stupid uh this is virtual arab hotel sir yeah that stupid big building that piece of
shit it's up to you well it is a stupid piece of shit it's up to you sir that's your opinion
okay yeah listen you know what the most beautiful building in the world is
i don't know sir the independence hall in philadelphia the what independence hall in
philadelphia okay it's a beautiful i've ever been there they signed the declaration of independence
there no i haven't been there it's in america you know it's the greatest country in the world
i agree sir you do that's nice that's very nice of him i need to know what the hell that he just
Just, like, literally disconnected the second he said that.
Oh, no, he's got, like, an auto-call block thing.
Holy crap, no, not enough Skype credit.
That took away the cost for, like, two bucks to call that fucking place.
Holy shit, really?
Holy shit, yeah, now I've got to get more Skype credit.
We're going to call the UK later.
Shit.
I mean, I'm going to play a prank call and get more credits.
Aw, man.
All right, well, we've got a glass repair in Ireland.
I can't call them because we don't have credits.
Aw, shit.
God damn it.
Damn it.
We're never calling Dubai again, that's for sure.
too expensive
what do we got here
we got some numbers in the United States
San Jose
we got a diner
in California
alright well hang on let me play a prank call
let me buy some more Skype credits real quick
take my
Turkish wife
what's his name
what's his wife called again
Faison
unwanted attribute now
okay great thank you Skype
I have an unwanted attribute.
That means a bug.
We should call Faizan.
He's probably expecting us.
Who did?
Come out, lady.
Here's your lady, Jin.
Thanks.
242429.
Try to drag it out.
I'll try.
Good evening, Turkish Kitchen.
Hello, Faizan.
It's Jin Stewart.
How are you?
Good, how are you?
Yeah, I'm doing excellently, excellently.
Do you remember me from last week?
I do.
You said you want to come here, but you didn't come, right?
No, I didn't come because I was scared of you.
I had a fear of you.
I had a Faisan-phobia.
Faisan what?
Faisan-phobia.
You know phobia?
No, I don't know.
What is that?
It's like a fear, like people who are scared of flying or spiders.
You're scared of me?
Yeah, I have Faisan-a-phobia.
Oh, I see.
You understand?
Can you call later?
I am busy right now.
I don't care.
That's the whole point of me calling you.
I want to disturb you while you're busy.
Oh, that's why. I see.
Okay, I'll turn off the phone.
I want you to get naked.
I'm going to come today, this time, I promise.
And I want you to get all naked, no clothing.
Do you understand?
Okay, I'm waiting for you.
On the table with the legs apart.
Do you understand?
She's something else. That fight is on.
She's really nice.
I don't know. I don't get it.
Hello?
Hello?
This is Mr. Stewart.
Yeah, yeah. How are you?
Good to be here.
Yeah, I'm excellent. Excellent.
What happened?
and you didn't get naked.
Faizan.
Faizan.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, Faizan.
I'm still here.
You can't disconnect me.
I've stolen your phone.
Okay, come.
Stole it then.
No, no.
I stole it already.
I've taken the phone line.
So when you pick it up again,
I'll still be there.
Oh, okay.
Okay, see you.
Yeah, yeah.
It's mine now.
What's your big room?
She's going to pick it up again in a second.
She has to.
She has to.
Well, let me play a prank call real quick.
A longer one.
Yeah.
Longer one, and I'll see if I can maybe get some Skype right here.
Give me a second.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hello?
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Yeah.
Have you guys got a Buick in there?
Pardon?
My brother Richie's got a Buick in there, and I just want to know if I can come pick it up.
Well, nobody's coming here tonight.
I've already told him that.
I've been really nice, and I'm really...
Listen, listen.
I don't like to search you, Dave.
This is my brother Richie, and he's really sad and upset.
Well, if he comes up here, he's going to jail.
No.
It doesn't matter.
Keep his ass away from here, because if he comes up here tonight, he's going to jail.
A dead lawyer, it doesn't matter.
Nobody's going to jail.
We've got enough money to pay anybody else.
I don't want him up here trading me and my dog.
No, I'm not trying to.
We just want to get to Buick.
No, no, he lives.
It's okay.
Listen, it's okay.
We're just going to come and get to Buick.
Nobody's trying to beat us.
No, you're not coming up here tonight.
It's okay.
I'm telling you, just like I told him, my business hours are from 10 to 12.
the door it's okay just open up before you come no nobody says anything we're just going to open
just open the gate for it it's okay no everybody be happy all right open it now all right this is
the only way i'll do it and you hear you listening to me okay yeah you call the sheriff's office you
come up here with a deputy they will go into the backfield but if you don't show if you show up
without a deputy somebody's going to jail um listen do you understand me okay yeah hey we're
showing up i don't like i don't like being threatened i'm actually like my dog being
threatened and i don't like my buddy i'll tell you what what about a city cop well there ain't
no city cop that'll come out here because newport is the uh sheriff's department you'll have to call
and make it well actually actually my sister is a state trooper so maybe she can come out
But listen, it's okay.
Just open the gate for us, okay?
I want a uniformed officer in a patrol car.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay.
If there's not, then I'm going to have my gun in my hand.
Do I make myself clear?
And I will not take any crap.
And I will not be correct.
I got Kevlar.
I used to live in England.
I don't give a damn what you got.
Mister, I don't know what the problem is between your brother and his girlfriend.
Okay.
But it's not something that's worth all this bullshit.
You follow me?
Listen.
You come up here in a peaceful mood with an officer, and I'll go in there tonight,
and I'm going out of my way for this.
This is going to happen.
But if you don't show up with an officer, you're going to get turned around or go to jail.
Holy shit.
No, we're not going to jail.
We got a connection.
So, listen, let me just spell it out for you, buddy.
Let me spell it out.
Let me spell it out for you.
All right, good.
We got more credit.
We got $25.
Oh, that'll be cool, man.
Yeah.
You like that?
UK Godfather?
It's going to happen.
Yeah, that taxi sounded fucking good.
Do you have a history with that taxi place that you sent in, or just random taxi?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Long history.
Long history.
Okay.
Yes.
Look at that.
Are you in Bristol?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
There you go.
You guys should hang out.
New York Giants, 36.
I'm quite far from Bristol, I should say.
Giants won 36 to 7.
Yeah, I'm in London.
36-7, Jin.
What happened?
Giants beat Carolina 36-7.
What does that mean?
That means the Giants won.
Yay.
Yay.
All right, we got Michelle.
That means Richie screwed up again.
Probably.
Well, that means Richie got some points probably because he's got their quarterback.
Michelle selling two Rottweiler pups for sale, asking 203 kittens to give away.
And if someone wants the mama, she is free too.
Yay! The mama kitten, the mama dog.
Who? Chloe?
No, Chloe. Chloe's mine.
If I got divorced, I'll keep Chloe.
I'll never give Chloe away.
Yeah.
I'll get my wife and Davi away if I give Chloe away.
Something about singing for you, Kelly?
I'm in the book bag first.
You heard me sing before?
Hello?
Hi, you got Mickey.
Leave me a message and I'll holler back at you.
It's on. Please record your message.
When you have finished recording...
Let me holler, holler, holler.
off i had a good idea for those rottweiler pups we have for sale one coffee table and two end
tables they're made of oak and are very sturdy and great condition you can send a pic if we want
this is angie with some tables milkman you were looking for some tables right there you go
yeah there you go milkman's gonna make the call make you call milkman watch milk was like
I got that
Rascal Scooter
Milkman please do the call
It would be so funny
Listen how Milkman does prank calls
It's so weird
He just puts out his weird voice
Oh I'm Milkman
I heard you got some tables for sale
Oh my Rascal Scooter
Milkman
Get a coffee table
Do it
Yes, hi. I understand you have a table, two end tables for sale?
She talked to my mom about them.
Oh. How old's your mom?
I'm not sure I'm her name.
Oh, yeah, Milkman. You should do it when his mom comes on.
Come on, Milkman. Do it.
Hello?
Yes, hi.
My friend Milkman wants to buy the tables. He's a little shy.
The Milkman?
Yeah, that's his nickname. That's what we all call him.
We're from back in the Army. We all have codenames.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
All right. Milkman!
Do I need to send you guys a picture of him?
Well, yeah.
The pictures, were anybody being on the table on the pictures?
No.
Would you lay down on the table?
Who's going to take the picture, your son?
Probably.
Can he get on the table?
No, no, quick.
Oh, here's Milkman.
Now, you don't want to do prank calls, Milkman?
Batchful?
Yeah, I'm up there.
Go ahead, man.
You guys keep them going.
We try to get you to do it.
You're like, oh, my phone's not working now.
All right.
You call the UK, and I'll do one.
Here's one.
My name is Madison.
I'm looking for a way to make some extra money.
I would like to babysit or do some yard work like raking leaves.
Like raking leaves.
I am 14 years old, so I can't get a real job, but I'm very dependable and independent.
All right, here we go.
Let's call Madison.
Are you going to give him a job?
Yeah, I'll give him a job.
Give him a job.
Wait, what the hell is with all these people we're calling tonight?
It is a weird accent.
Like the hooker lady, the first one you talk to.
She sounds like she's some trailer park whore.
The hooker lady?
Yeah, yeah.
There's a website out there.
It's not such a weird accent.
What is that?
I think it's Alabama.
Oh, that's horrible.
What's the language?
Hello?
Hello, yeah.
Is Madison there?
She's not here right now.
Can I take a message?
Well, Madison's supposed to come over here to do some work.
Why is Madison late again?
What's the matter?
or stupid Madison.
He didn't like that.
Can you hear me?
Nope.
Nope.
It's the UK?
You want us to call the UK?
You want me to sing?
UK Godfather wants to sing.
You want to sing to somebody.
You can call them up and say
happy birthday to you.
I'll call Ireland and sing
because they have such a good
track record for patience and humor
When it comes to stuff like that
Give me a second
I'm shit today
What the fuck
You know I'm having
A really bad week
It's okay
You gotta practice
It's nearly the weekend mate
I'm gonna complain
To this bastard
Whoever picks up
Let me talk to this guy
Hello
Hello
How are you
Good
Yeah I'm doing alright
Actually I'm not alright man
I've had a really shit weekend
I need to talk to somebody
I'm feeling really depressed
You know this
Hello
Yeah
Yeah I'm there yeah
Yeah good
Well I had this girl
Right
She is like the absolute girl of my dreams.
She is absolutely gorgeous.
You can't believe it.
And you know what happened?
I disabled my Facebook and then I came back on
and it said she is now in a relationship.
She went from being single to being in a relationship.
Do you know how much that hurts?
Yeah, yeah.
It fucking, you know, I really, I wanted to kill myself.
I still do.
Do you know that feeling?
Don't do that, anyway.
It's bad, though.
Do you not think?
That is just a fucking horrible feeling.
That is just terrible.
It's had an effect on everything, you know, I can't even talk to people anymore, I'm just a shit now, I'm just a cunt.
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so...
Yeah, what's wrong with you anyway?
What do you mean, what's wrong with you?
You want to get cast on or what?
What do I want to get?
You want to get cast on.
I don't want to get cast on, I want to get a girlfriend.
I know the fuck I'm having to get a girlfriend, I know I'm fucking mad.
Well, fucking, what's wrong with you, you cunt? Go and get me a girl.
What's wrong with you, you fucking bastard?
You stupid prick.
I need you to get me a girl.
I just fucking told you.
Hey, baby.
What?
Hello?
It's a glass repair place.
That's funny.
What the fuck?
I didn't even know you were calling.
I'll call.
Let me try.
Let me try.
I burnt my lip.
See, this girl has had an effect on me.
I can't do anything.
Sorry, guys.
Guy talks like he's Pasquale.
Pasquale.
Hello?
Yeah.
Is this a glass repair?
Yeah.
Yeah, listen.
I was drinking some Irish whiskey,
and I dropped the glass,
and there's glass everywhere.
Yeah, I need you to come clean
all those glass up.
I dropped a bottle of whiskey
and the glass went everywhere.
Can you fix it, please?
All right, stop.
Get off the phone then, right?
You're a prick licker.
Right, right.
And a cunt.
Come fix the glass.
Do your job.
I did.
I burnt myself like a dumbass.
Oh, God.
How did you do that?
Because I was lighting my cigar
and the cigar was almost low.
Oh, man.
Ow.
That hurts so much.
I'm going to put whiskey on it.
Can I speak?
I'm sorry
We are currently having technical difficulties
I need aloe
Aloe chapstick
I burnt my mustache
You have a mustache?
Kinda
I'm sorry
We are currently having technical difficulties
Bye
Bye
That was technical difficulties
It didn't answer the phone
That's what it was
Yeah so it was like
Look this
I only have this much left on my cigar
And I wasn't thinking
And I had it in my mouth
And I went to light it
but again i'm not using my cheapie lighter i'm using this fucking flame lighter like it has a
pretty long range on it i didn't know so i stuck my the cigar in my mouth and i lit it and the
flame went shooting right into my top of my lip and i haven't shaved in a week so burnt it singed
all the little mustache little puby hairs that i had because i hadn't shaved yet so it smells like
Like, burnt flesh and hair.
And it hurts, man.
It's burnt my lip.
Oh, it hurts so bad.
Oh.
Smell like kitty litter?
Kind of.
It hurts, man.
You don't know.
Can you call the 24242922 lady?
Uh, what number?
No, that was 722927.
That funny lady.
They never pick up.
Let me try.
Okay, no worries.
I'll try, I'll try.
I don't mind.
Thank you.
Let's see.
Jack Masterson on them.
Come on.
All right, this is the John Batchelor residence
where the lady answers with the number.
But, um...
If I pick up, can I speak?
UK Godfather.
Yeah, sure, UK Godfather.
Why not, man?
It's your birthday.
You can speak.
It's your birthday.
It's not my birthday now.
That was two weeks ago, mate.
All right, never mind.
Was it really?
My birthday was two weeks ago.
Holy shit.
9th of September?
Yeah, 9th of September.
What the fuck?
Jeez.
Oh, my God.
So cool, man.
Oh, it's still in 87.
81 here.
Thank you.
For a second there, I thought you guys were twins.
Gene, you on Facebook?
I am, yeah.
No answer.
You fucked the number up, Carlito.
You've got a zero in there.
It should be 44127, not 440127.
Oh, that's ringing.
I know, but I don't think it's right.
Probably in office.
It took her a long time the first time.
Give her three more rings.
One.
One more.
One more.
All right, last one.
One more.
Two minute now.
I'm trying to get the other number here.
I'm not ready.
Woody's Diner.
We'll call Woody's Diner instead.
I
think the U.S. ring's some way cooler than the British one.
Yeah, it sounds a bit better.
yeah i want to make an order for french toast no yeah i want you to put splenda on it okay
okay powdered splenda uh-huh and i want mayonnaise a side of mayonnaise uh about
four orders of bacon four orders of bacon diner uh the whole diner the diner kind of would be
either french toast or pancakes and then you can get bacon or sausage and ape and an ape what can
Can I have an ape?
How did you want it cooked?
The ape, I would like it with bananas.
Do you want the egg over easy or scrambled, over hard, poached?
You know the thing where the egg has the thing in the middle?
What do you mean, poached?
Well, you know the thing's in the middle, the egg has the thing in the middle,
and it's got white stuff on it.
Cooked on both sides or just on one side?
Well, preferably I like it so it isn't raw.
You like it so it's not raw is what you said?
Medium well.
Okay.
And did you want bacon or sausage?
Let's see here.
Now, which one has more sodium?
I don't know, actually.
I'd probably go with the sausage.
For more sodium or less sodium?
More.
Do you want to put more sodium in it?
To give you some salt packets.
Okay.
Do you have any sodium chloride?
No.
You just have salt?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
How many salt packets can I get?
However many you would like.
How many come in a case?
I have, like, just little packets, so I can give you, like, 10 or, like, 5, however many.
Uh, 52.
Fifty-two?
Yes.
Anything else?
I need about a pitcher of water.
I can give you to-go cups, but not like a pitcher.
You have a to-go pitcher?
No, we don't.
How many cups of water in a pitcher?
Probably about two.
Two cups of water in one pitcher?
Mm-hmm.
That seems pretty small.
Do you need any?
Well, the water, yeah, but I want to make sure.
Is that with ice or without ice?
Okay.
I'm going to double-check your order real quick.
So I have French toast with no powdered sugar, and then I have eggs that you want medium well,
and then a side of mayo and bananas and sausage.
You forgot the Splenda.
With Splenda.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then also the salt.
What is your name?
My name is Cross.
And the numbers?
Well, my friend Jen Stewart is going to make some more orders here because I don't know where I'm going with this, okay?
Hello.
Thank you.
Jen, help me.
Yeah, hi.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
I'm not too good.
I'm angry.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
Sorry?
You're sorry.
Do you know what you want to eat?
Yeah, I do know what I want to eat.
I want to eat pussy.
Do you want any food?
No, I want pussy.
Because that's very rude.
Why is that rude?
Why do you think that's rude?
You asked.
It is.
You asked me what I wanted.
I told you what I wanted.
That's not rude.
How is that rude?
Should I say vagina?
Because it's not off of our menu.
So if you're going to be rude like that, I'm going to hang up.
It's on your special menu between your legs.
Can we cancel your whole order, please?
No!
Don't be silly, why would you do that?
Come on, please.
Then order food only.
Okay, how old are you?
That's none of your business.
But I think you sound very nice, why can I not come in there and talk to you?
Okay, you need to hold on a second, okay?
Okay, I'm holding.
What the fuck is she doing?
She's checking her menu.
She's getting a vibrator.
Look at that pussy.
Yeah, we don't have to pussy.
What the hell is she doing over there, man?
She's checking.
Sounds like she's moaning.
Do you think so?
She's getting it with some black chef in the back,
cooking or eating her out.
She won't give Jen the time of day.
I made a horny and I didn't get it.
Some black guy back there.
Oh, yeah, I'm hungry.
I'm going to get some booze.
Hello?
Hello, yeah, I'm still here.
Where have you been?
Okay, what food would you like to order?
I'd like to, well, first of all, where have you been?
Why have I been waiting?
What did you do?
I'm very busy right now because I have tables to serve.
So if you want food, can you please tell me?
because otherwise I'm going to hang up the phone.
Okay, all right.
I want some food.
Let me make an order.
I want two pilau rice.
You want what?
Two rice.
Do you know rice?
Rice?
Yeah, rice.
Yeah, normal rice dish.
Pilau with, I don't know, maybe chips.
Do you have any muffins?
No, forget about the muffins.
You're already fat, man.
You don't need to eat anymore.
Don't be rude.
Listen, this is a good one.
Do you have muffins?
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Do you?
Listen, you don't have to give him any muffins.
He's already got high cholesterol.
Don't give him any muffins.
Okay, so a side of rice and then no muffins.
No muffins.
I want the muffin.
Come on.
Two muffins in the oven.
Say it again?
Do you have a special muffin?
No.
The special muffin between your legs.
That one, you know?
Okay, I'm going to get off the phone now.
No, come on.
Don't.
Are you sure you're not just going to get off?
How do you get between me and my muffins, Jen?
I wanted to, because that was pretty good.
I used to do that with Ted.
We used to, like, argue, and there'd be somebody on the phone,
and we'd just be having this argument.
It's a big argument.
So, like, my wife.
You can't have muffins.
You're diabetic, and you're fat.
You can't have muffins.
Oh, man.
All right.
The sharpest katana that can cut anyone smooth.
That's what Maven says.
What's that about, Maven?
What are you talking about, Maven?
Hey, Milkman, is he still here?
Milkman.
You're talking.
Yes, that's a god.
She does have a katana.
Tell her not to start talking stuff we don't understand.
These secret things about katanas.
Katanas.
She cannot help it, man.
I mean, the beauty is amazing.
Well, you know, katana swords used to be this special thing
where you had to go to the special Japanese man to make it for the family.
And now, like, every single nerd out there will have a katana now.
That's not cool.
All those katanas are made in China.
These were the heirloom material.
Maven's katana is probably made like in Korea.
It sucks.
I heard it sucks.
If she tried to use it, it'd probably break.
You know?
That's what I think.
I don't know, man.
I have a feeling she could do a pretty good circumcision on you.
I don't need one.
Thank you.
Anyway, we got Eddie's place.
Eddie.
Eddie's place.
Eddie's place is in Mecca, California.
It's a food place.
Oh, let's find out.
Ask them for sodium chloride again.
That was quite funny.
And they were like, we don't have that.
We just have salt.
This is Eddie.
Yeah.
Hey, big guy, how you doing?
Who's this?
I'd like to make an order, please.
Whip it out, man.
I'd like some sodium chloride.
What else?
Special muffins.
Okay.
16.
16?
That comes after 15.
Okay.
You just counted up to 15.
What are you counting, money?
Yeah.
Oh, why?
This.
This is cross.
What are you counting money for?
This is cross.
Huh?
Cross Lopez.
Cross?
Yes.
C-R-O-S-S?
Very good.
You can spell.
Okay.
What do you need?
I need to make an order, I said.
We're closed.
When do you open again?
5 o'clock in the morning.
Do you have muffins?
No.
What do you do there?
What do you make?
We got burrito stuff.
And stuff?
Yeah, burritos.
Coffee.
What's the secret code?
The cheapest Coke?
The secret code.
Call tomorrow.
No, listen.
My friend said you call Eddie.
He's got the best shit, and there's a secret code.
How do I get that?
I don't know, buddy.
Call tomorrow.
Come on.
I got that.
Oh, man.
Some places have a secret code, Milkman.
You know what I'm talking about.
out you need to call you know what was the name of that place in breaking bad um
you call there and ask them for meth i've only seen the first three episodes of that so far
please don't ruin it because that's so fucking cool that whole series there were some assholes
and i started watching it and there's some assholes in the chat room here in madhouse
were like oh i can't believe so so die like you fucking dickhead thanks a lot i was gonna watch
Watched it on Netflix this weekend, and now I'm fucking pissed off.
Hey, we got a straw hat pizza.
Let me call them.
Are you doing UK later?
You really want the UK, this guy.
All right, fine, we'll call it UK.
I'm actually nervous to hear what you've got to say, UK Godfather.
All right, let's see.
Did we already call the Fire Engine Pub?
You want us to sing.
That's what.
Was that you that said that?
No.
Yeah, you said that.
UK Godfather, you said you want to sing.
I think you're involved in this.
No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got to sing now.
You have to sing.
This isn't some kind of emergency number, is it, UK Godfather?
No.
All right.
Get there.
UK Godfather.
If this is like emergency services, I'm going to be really disappointed with you, UK Godfather.
This ain't no stupid meeting.
I'm out of your chat.
Lonesome getting Ireland numbers, Nunu says.
That.
You read that in the...
Cross these nuts.
We lost milkman again.
I don't know if that's...
Oh, my God.
It's so funny.
I hung up the phone.
We're just an old couple.
I'll speak to any old couple.
Please enjoy the following music while your party is being read.
Here's an old man.
Talk to them.
Hey, old man.
Hey, no, you hung up the phone.
Don't do it again.
No, I'm right here, man.
I was talking to you, and then all of a sudden you was gone.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm kidding.
So what happened?
What's so funny?
Maven's joke?
You thought it was funny?
Yeah, did you read that in there when Maven wrote the chat?
About these nuts?
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay, Milkman.
Milkman had a good old time.
All right.
So here we go.
And speaking of Milkman and Berkley
We got the Turkish Cuisine
This is a competitor
We should ask about
See if they know about Faizan
Faizan
What's her name?
Faizan
Faizan
Yeah
So they're
Milkman
Berkley is like what?
Across the bay
From San Francisco?
Yeah
Cool
What the hell?
I don't hear Milkman
I just hear Chopper
Yeah, Milkman
You're choppy
Your phone's herky-jerky
Good evening, Turkish Cuisine
Turkish Cuisine?
Yes
Do you
Are you aware
Do you know who the Turkish kitchen is?
What?
Do you know who the Turkish kitchen is?
I am.
You are the Turkish kitchen?
I thought this was Turkish cuisine.
No, Turkish kitchen.
Oh, I was looking for Turkish cuisine.
I think you dialed the wrong number.
Oh, you have Turkish food there?
Yes, we do have Turkish food here.
Okay, does it taste like shit?
If you want, I can give it to you.
No, I was wanting to give it to you.
Faizan!
Yes?
It's me again.
Come here, man.
I want you to get naked
I want to see your ball
Come here
I want to see your boobies
And I want to see them
Yeah come
I want to see your boobies
Where's Charlie?
Is Charlie there?
She wants to see your ball
I thought that was a different Turkish place
Sorry
Yeah I'm sorry
I interrupted you
No that's okay
You can interrupt me
Bitch
That's okay bitch
Alright
Anyway
She was so funny though
She was like
I wanted to put the
Recommendation out there
Not a recommendation
A request out there
for many Madhouse listeners
or chatters or fans of the show
if you're interested
I'd like to see about us trying to get some other
prank call shows on the mouth stream
on a regular basis
so if anybody out there wants to take a shot
at I guess we're pretty much
open all week right
preferably not Saturday night because KDK is on there
and we all like to listen to KDK
Saturday nights
but if anybody
wants to
take a shot
and do a show
I'm bisexual and I'm trying
I'm bisexual I'm fabulous
I am bisexual
I'm fabulous
just on that night on the bisexual night
but if anybody out there is interested
hit me up on twitter
not twitter hit me up on facebook
that's the best way facebook
what are we hitting you with what happens
if anybody wants to maybe
take a crack at doing a show
every once in a while
You know, I should do that again.
I should make a show again.
You should, yeah.
Sunday lunch.
What did you do?
Sunday lunch, was it?
Yeah, Sunday lunch with Jen Stewart.
That was a good time.
Yeah.
We had good times back then.
If you're interested, Jen, anytime, I'll send you the details.
Yeah, we'll talk about it.
Maybe it's possible, but I think we have to talk about the time differences.
I don't really want to do it like at this time in the morning.
It would have to be during the day.
Yeah, that's fine.
Over the weekend, that would work out perfectly.
If it was this time, oh, you know, a good time for you, you know, in the afternoon,
be cool sunday okay yeah we'll see we'll talk about it and it doesn't have to be to be live
it could be just to make a podcast out of it and just you know but when you do it do it live
on the air the night or something i just see a lot of people you know miss you know because
brad stopped doing his show and um i don't know a lot of we got a pretty good crowd here so yeah
i have time now that's the thing i mean i'm i'm not doing what i was doing before so i could
could probably do it it goes to anybody out there somebody should entice me though i'm very depressed
at the moment somebody should give me some boost red bull red bull there you go drink a red bull
and you'll be good all right here's a different uh turkish place they're in berlin ripple berlin
game california is that near you is that near uh berkeley at all berlin game do you know oh yeah
berlin game was just uh south of the airport so it's about uh probably about like t maybe 20 miles
All right, let's see if they heard a Turkish kitchen.
We're about 27.
Mongol Turkish Cuisine, this is Kitty.
How can I help you?
Hey, Big Kitty, how are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Oh, I'm kind of depressed, but that's a different story.
Do you know the people that run the Turkish kitchen in Berkeley?
No, I have no idea.
Maybe Giorgio will know.
Hold on just a minute.
Thank you.
This is Giorgio.
Yeah, do you know who does the Turkish kitchen in Berkeley?
You don't know who Faizan is?
I don't know who he is.
I'm sorry.
You don't know?
No, I don't.
You don't go to the same church or anything?
I'm sorry?
You don't go to the same church?
Church?
Yes.
No, I don't.
Oh, so you don't know the...
I thought all you people know each other.
No?
I'm kind of busy right now.
This is a restaurant, you know?
I'm sorry.
Well, don't be stupid.
I'd like to make an order, please.
Not tonight.
Sorry.
Bye.
Come on.
I want a horse.
Good timing with the horse.
I appreciate it.
Well, that didn't work out.
I'm trying to get some dirt on them also.
Dirty Aaron keeps calling in.
Let's connect Dirty Aaron.
Hey, stupid.
Hey, stupid.
stupid hey you change your avatar yet because andy's gonna freaking kill himself i know i
should i really i thought it was uh in the uh true dirty or uh dirty errant fashion i don't know man
that's kind of freaky i scarred my friend he was looking over my shoulder at my fantasy team and he
was like what the fuck is that that is gross that is really i'm called for and gross anyway so i
imagine so he's probably at work just looking at his fantasy football league and his boss looks
looks over the shoulder, and sees Goetze.
Sees Goetze.
Yeah, take that.
Because then I'm going to be at work trying to check out scores,
and Goetze's there, and I'm going to get in trouble.
All right, I'll change it up.
I'll change it up.
He's going to whip my ass, it looks like, anyway.
And he is, you think?
I don't know.
I think I got a tough game this week with Eric.
It's going to be a close one.
Andre Brown just scored 28 points.
His fucking running back got 28 points.
Holy shit.
Just one of his running backs.
Sorry, I hear you.
Just one running back, yeah.
Richie got 35, 33 points off of Eli Manning
and another 10 from Victor Cruz.
Interesting.
Oh, shit.
I was mad.
I got pissed off because Hakeem Nicks.
I was like, oh, man, he got me 35 points last week.
I was like, hell, yeah.
Now zero.
And then I was like, just for some reason,
I decided to go just to make absolutely sure for the Thursday night game.
And I look in there, and he hurt his foot again.
I'm like, yeah, you've got to be kidding me, man.
Out.
Fuck, I know.
Fuck.
I found out 10 minutes before the game started that silly fucking, what's his name, was out.
Let's see.
He's on my R. Antonio Gates.
Fucking asshole.
Yeah, and that's who Brown's playing for him.
Did he play?
Brown, what's his face?
Brown, right?
Isn't that the guy that's up for him or whatever?
Yeah, I tried to put him in there.
He didn't do very well.
Balls, man.
Balls, man.
Balls.
I'll put the cigar.
I already burnt myself three times already with this stupid cigar tonight.
Fucking worst ever.
Ken's here also.
Hey, Big Kenneth.
I got my ass thoroughly beat last week by 44 fucking points.
Good.
You deserve it because you beat me the first week, so I'm happy.
I'm projected to lose by 16 this week, but I don't think it's going to happen.
Yeah, that's nothing.
You never know.
I don't buy those predictions, and the predictions change anyway.
Sunday, it'll be way different sometimes.
I had to dump Jonathan Stewart because he was a game-time decision.
Jonathan Stewart, that's my brother.
There you go.
Awesome.
Tell your brother to get his fucking shit together.
I'll punish him.
We got a number here.
Someone's looking for a caretaker for an elderly lady.
Located 10 miles away.
Hours are 10 to 6.
Can use you every Sunday.
If willing to work meal preparation and lighthouse work included in job.
Must be dependable and drug-free.
and we need to call joan okay let's wake joan up see if she picks up who's doing this you're doing
this or uk godfather's doing that no no i won't take this one out okay uk godfather only wants
to do uh the uk apparently tonight he's like me then isn't he we'd like to piss the uk off don't
we you have reached two three five no we didn't all right let me check out request a prank here
I got one that I sent you for a Chuck E. Cheese out in California that might be fun to fuck with.
Did you request to prank it, or how did you send it?
Yeah, I sent it in through request to prank, I think at the top of the show, actually.
Let me see.
Did you put Ken as your username?
It'll make it easier for me to find it that way.
Yeah, I put it as Ken.
It's Ken.
K-E-N.
There we go.
Last time I checked.
All right.
Chuck E. Cheese.
I suggest you call complaining about the person dressed like Chuck E. Cheese.
Either he was calling your kid inappropriate names
Or maybe you gave that damn mouse $20
For a lap dance
And then no lap dances received
What an asshole
Maybe he was feeling up to the wife
That could be one too
I just got done with the Chuck E. Cheese birthday
About a month ago for my youngest
I can't remember
I haven't been to one since I was a kid
Is that pizza any good
They actually just changed it up a while back
I mean it's not bad
It's not bad
I took my son to one
A magical day at Chuck E. Cheese's in Lancaster on Valley Central Way.
For instructions in English, press 1.
Para las instrucciones en espanol, marqué dos.
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's reservation and information center.
You should tell them it's racist that they don't have Creole.
Chinese.
Asian Creole.
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's reservation and information center.
You can also make party reservations online at www.chuckecese.com.
And receive 20 free tokens for booking online.
To properly direct your call, please list to all...
Press 3 for the Queen's English.
You must make a selection from one of the options to get to a...
Yeah, yeah.
...for further assistance with reservations or any questions you may have.
For birthday information, including organizations, press 1.
For fundraising, don't forget, you can also make your party reservations online...
That's for bachelor parties.
Jesus Christ, this is the longest menu ever.
...and receive 20 free tokens for booking online.
I think Jack Masterson just needs to smash his fat hand on the book of dials.
I wonder if that might be french fries for the Chuck E. Cheese.
The fingers you have used to dial are too fat.
I do think Jack needs to call Red Robin.
Oh my god, how long is this menu?
The end of it is going to be like, it's closed.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No, it's closed.
They're open for another hour.
I'll press 1 for information about our party.
Oh, my God.
Finally.
I think it's a national number.
Oh, it just connects you to the local one or what?
It sounds like there's a reservation control center.
Reservation machines?
Chuck E. Cheese reservation machines?
I'm going to book a bachelor party.
I'm going to book a bachelor party.
Come on, Chuck E. Cheese.
Chuck E. Cheese.
Chuck E. Cheese.
For holding, my name is Cindy.
How can I help you?
Yeah, Cindy, I got me and my friends on the line.
and we're looking to book reservations for Chuck E. Cheese.
For what day would you be interested in?
Well, the wedding's going to be this weekend,
so hopefully for tomorrow we can book a reservation for the bachelor party.
Okay, we don't book reservations for that.
Tomorrow you're more than welcome to just come in
and order anything you'd like from our menu,
and the seating would be a first-come, first-served.
Well, this is for about 20 children that are going to be coming in for the bachelor party.
Give me one second, okay?
Don't do that.
Is that going to be funny?
I don't
She
What
Did she laugh at us
This UK godfather
Is running in the call
Oh
Sorry
Mute you dipshit
Some weirdo
Wants to do a bachelor party
With kids
And he's got a
Giggling English friend
In the background
Bring a stripper
Into this man
No I am
High on life
Chuck E. Cheese to strip
And that's where the mouse
Comes into play
We got
We got 20 kids
And we're gonna bring a stripper
Jim when you get
When you get married
I know you're depressed
About women
But when you get married
We're gonna do a bachelor party
For you on the air
That's not even nice
Hello
Yeah, you know, I have work to do, so if you're just going to be joking around, it's just best you don't do this prank.
I mean, y'all are some grown men.
No, it's serious. We want to do a bachelor party at Chuck E. Cheese.
No, I just heard your whole conversation. I have customers on the phone that actually want to book a party.
What the fuck were you doing listening to our conversation, you silly cunt?
You should have been fucking, hello?
You should have been fucking working.
She's got so many people on the whole, why is she just sitting there listening to us?
Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with her?
She had good intuition, that's what it was
I'd call back, but it takes
10 minutes to get through to somebody
Don't do
reservation, that should go directly to
the Chuck E. Cheese
Or Wendy's
Or Wendy's, what are you talking about
UK Godfather, you're so weird, man
When you did it
a couple weeks ago
Did we, I don't know
Have a magical day at Chuck E. Cheese's in...
For instructions in English, press 1.
Para las instrucciones en espanol...
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's Reservation and Information Center.
You can also make party reservations online at www.chucketheese.com.
She was like, she was like, no, don't do that, that's disgusting.
To properly direct your call, please listen to all options before making your selection.
You must make a selection from one of the options to get to a StarCast member
with reservations or any questions you may have.
For birthday information, including organizations, press 1.
For fundraising information, press 2.
You may press pound at any time to skip this message.
Chuck E. Cheese's is the magical place.
Oh, my God.
All right, I'm not doing it.
I can't.
I'm not going to ask.
I just want the fucking phone number.
I sent that in.
Yeah, it was supposed to be the fucking direct line to that goddamn Chuck E. Cheese.
It's the number to get the number after you listen.
I'll do a little more research.
I'll get back to you.
No kidding.
All right.
What are you smoking pot there, Milkman?
What's going on?
Smoking drugs?
Are you coughing?
He's on the pot.
He's on the pot again.
Milkman is a highly intellectual individual.
Individual?
Individual.
man are you an individual i am an individual and you're a highly intellectual individual i am
intellectual not highly well here's the moment y'all been waiting for i got a uk number for
plumbing in in the united kingdom and this is uk godfathers big time to make a shine
or make make him shine whatever you know what i mean shine boy shine make a shine make a shit
shine shitty shine all over robert's number work yes oh yeah there you go see here we go no
No pressure.
It's better to be good.
When in doubt, shout.
Hello, you can call
Bobby's Family Services.
Unfortunately, we're not able
to take your call at the minute.
Oh, you...
I really suck, UK Godfather.
You really suck, man.
All right, new number
in the Skype chat
for Chuck E. Cheese
right there.
All right.
We'll see.
What is Chuck E. Cheese?
Is it like a fast food thing?
It's different from the other one.
Oh, no, Chuck E. Cheese
is like you take your kids
there for birthday parties.
They have fucking video games
and pizza,
and it's like a buffet.
Or no, they don't have a buffet.
They have pizza,
and they have like a salad bar.
You take your kids to birthday parties and shit.
They've got some fucking robot animals up on stage
and they're like a band and shit and they move around and sing.
And Chuck E. Cheese is like a six-foot-tall mouse
that dresses up and pats the kids on the ass
as they play the video games.
Do they still have the ballroom there?
You know, the balls?
No, they don't have the ball pits anymore,
but they do have the thing where you stand in the ticket fucking thing
and you try and catch the tickets.
That sounds stupid.
I miss the ball pit, you know?
I guess they got rid of that because of AIDS.
And urine, yeah, and feces.
We should ask her.
Ask her about the ball pit in the feces.
Wait, I'm going to do it.
What about the giant mouse that is fucking
patting children on the ass?
I got this.
Okay, I'm listening.
Another one.
Yeah, it's the same fucking message
even though the numbers are different.
Fuck that. Next.
to get to a stop.
Okay.
God.
Nice going, Ken,
you fucking asshole.
And what if you were...
Two different numbers
got the same fucking message.
What the fuck do you want?
I don't know.
I want the right number.
That's what I want from you, Ken.
They're fucking making it
to where nobody wants
to show up there.
It's so hard to make
a reservation.
Shit.
God.
Can't do that.
Can't use the ball pit anymore.
Nothing.
Be like,
my kid's not that fucking special.
I'm not hanging around
on the phone.
Click.
You know what was even nastier
because remember McDonald's
for a while outside
that would have the ball pit outside right that was even worse clean that i know right clean
a clean that be like got a bunch of druggies in there you know probably hanging out having sex
and you know what matter of fact there's a fucking mcdonald's right around the corner
24 hours of the ball pit i'll fucking get there i'd smoke pot in the ball pit man what's this i
never did that hello yes hi is this michael pattison this is cross and i've got the godfather
Father, he's going to talk to you.
Pardon?
Go ahead.
Sir, International Plumbing Machines.
Hello?
Hi.
Yes, this is International Plumbing Machines,
and I am calling to talk about your water.
I sleep in bed.
Don't be disturbing me, will you?
No, no, no.
I'm afraid we have to cut off your water
if you do not answer this call.
Are you listening, sir?
Hello, sir?
Wow.
All right.
You killed it.
I kind of sandbagged you there,
so we'll give you one from the beginning.
This is in Ireland.
Hey, hang up the phone
Pick it up the phone and then we're still here
This is in Ireland
This is Michael Lehane
I know how you just keep them connected
It's so funny
I don't give a shit
It's so good
Hello, can I speak to Michael Lehane
Do you realise the time of the night it is
Yes, I'm calling from
International Water Machines
About your water
Because I'm afraid there's a problem with your water
4 a.m., at 4 a.m. in the morning.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but we're going to cut off your water at 5 if you don't pick up the phone.
Have you picked up the phone?
Yeah, okay, sorry.
I couldn't hear you there for a second.
Can you go to your toilet and flush it for me?
I think they're gone.
Sorry?
They're gone.
Yeah, yeah, she killed it.
No, she's there, yeah.
Oh, hello?
She's in and she's out, all right.
We'll do Michael Cagney instead here, just a moment.
Let me try this.
Let me try, let me come on, let me do one.
Let Jin do this one.
Yeah, Jin, go on, Jin.
Invalid phone number
Shit
Alright Michael Hillary
Instead
Michael Hillary
Hillary the guy
That went to the top
Of the mountain
The other Michael stuff
Morning
How are ya
Yeah morning
Are you awake
Alright Michael Cagney
Instead
You take it again
Yeah yeah yeah
I love how they're both
Still connected
Like if they picked up
They would just like
Be free audience
More numbers man
I've got a really
Good one too
For fuck's sake
Do we have any
UK numbers
Isn't this the same thing
Ireland
Is it the same thing, Ireland, UK?
I don't know.
Maybe.
No, totally different.
Totally different.
Not to me, no.
You could try the 2 plus 2 plus equals 4, 5, 8, ma'am.
I haven't got any more numbers.
Oh, please.
Yes, send that in.
God, help.
Help me.
No, no.
2 plus 2 equals 4.
That was a guy.
Can you put 2 and 2 together?
Whatever, that guy.
Chupa Carbison's in a number in Vegas.
Call up Steve Corbin.
He's 34.
Four, say you're across from Dateline and that you have called Stephen out of being concerned about his activities.
Say you're aware of his activities.
He spoke to underage girls in the chat room.
This thing again?
He dispersed.
We tried this last week.
It went nowhere.
He sent it to KDK also.
KDK didn't think it was funny either.
Larry Schultz, please talk to this man about his son, Kellen.
Tell him you're from a high school football scouting machine.
and tell them you'd like to write an article for the website
about JV football, quarterbacks, ask them weird questions and more.
Okay, cool.
Let's do it.
Yay, football.
I don't know anything about football.
You do it.
Yay!
I don't understand.
I guess the British guys won't be doing this one.
Good.
That's a good number.
You got your show right.
Good.
No, not true.
I'll find a phone number for you, okay?
Yeah, like an individual.
An individual.
An individual number.
Hello?
Yes, hi.
Hi, I'm calling from High School Football Scouting Machines.
I'm looking for Larry Schultz.
What do you want?
I'm calling regarding your son, Kellen.
He's a football player.
No, we don't have, my son does not play football.
He doesn't play high school football, junior varsity, quarterback?
No.
Well, I'm a football scout.
I'd like to see him play football, maybe.
Yeah, but my son doesn't play football.
What does he do?
Is he a girl?
He plays tennis.
I think you've got the wrong person
He's a boy that plays tennis?
He plays tennis
That's for girls though, tennis
Well, boys too
Well, yeah, but the boys are kind of, you know
kind of fruity a little bit
You don't think?
No, I'm okay
Well, thanks, Atomic
That made no sense
because he doesn't play football
Hey, Carlito just ran across a story here on Yahoo
U.S. Postal Service asking Floridians
to stop crashing into post offices
Isn't that your old stomping grounds down there?
Yeah, they're really asking people to stop doing that.
It's because the old people get confused between the brake pedal and the gas pedal.
That's why Milkman isn't driving taxis anymore.
He got suspended.
Some of these...
He blasted through too many windows.
Some of these, how they did it is fucking funny.
Customer pressed the gas instead of the brakes, ran into the building, hitting a front pillar.
Told you.
Oh, this is the funniest one.
Customer, she says she was startled by something falling from the sky and accelerated into the post office lobby.
something fell from the sky was was chicken little driving or what
just mashed on the gas it's like the runaway there's number a number skype chat skype chat
skype chat good all right let me do one before that all right let me do this first damn it
in covina california we got jj talks the shit about dalton park talk shit about dalton park
He does.
He thinks he knows how to play basketball.
He also thinks he's badass because he rides a motorcycle.
Well, in that case.
Oh, he rides a motorcycle.
I have a motorcycle.
Very good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm a motorcyclist.
You should take it.
What do you have, Jen?
I have a CBR 600.
Oh, yeah.
That's shit.
Okay.
That's a shit.
I'm not doing this.
I just want to say.
I have an 89 CBR 600.
I'll talk to him.
Yeah, you talk to him.
JJ.
JJ?
Plays basketball.
basketball Dalton Park Dalton 89 CBI 600 fucking old hurricane on the hurricane you're my ringtone
that's some deris up in there what is that is that a Nokia 6100 you're rocking there with that
ringtone Carlito hi you've reached 909276 I don't know there's there's there's three too many people
on the line for milkman god milkman's phone's been the shit tonight man it's disconnected like
good five times already i don't know one i mean there's only like one out of five podcasts where
you're like and then on the line we have milkman hello hello what the fuck happened while your
party is being we still have to talk to his phone carrier jipping in with those fucking
is it the music sound or whatever we should call for him hey oh there you are hey milkman what
You got to call Sprint.
Tell them to fix your fucking ringtone, man.
Got to get that ringback tone.
Dolly Parton.
You're still not playing that?
No.
Fuck, easy now.
Easy, man.
Calm down, Artie.
Fucking warden.
I've been paying for it for months, too, man.
This motherfucker just figured it's not playing.
You've been getting ripped off for months.
Calling in requesting credits for 45 minutes.
All right, we're going to have to organize a petition now.
You want us to call him right now?
Let's call him right now, Mosman.
Get your account number.
Let's call him.
All right, okay, go ahead.
All right, we got David Little.
David Lillis
is in Ireland
who wants to call Ireland you bastards
Aaron's got it
Aaron beat you to it
I haven't had the chance to pee anybody off yet
shut up
you pissed me off
David Lillis
I'm an mp3 player
shut up man
David
hello good morning David
can you hear me
Yes.
All right.
This is Brent Westwood calling from the UK Water Administration Machines.
How are you, David?
Hi.
Sorry, do you understand English, or do I have to talk like I'm real drunk, like I've
had a few too many pints?
Hello?
David, why don't you breathe hard into the phone for me?
Hello?
Asshole.
Nope.
He's gone.
He's gone.
Here's David.
Fucking mouth breather.
Here's David Constantine.
Wasn't that a movie, Constantine?
David Constantine?
Are you serious?
Yes.
Was that your brother, Jen?
No, but I know a badminton player called David Constantine.
No, he's dead, isn't he?
Dead, isn't he?
Badminton?
Yeah.
That sounds like it's all Jen.
Busy.
Call your buddy.
It's busy.
I would not, if it was him.
I don't think it is.
He's not in Ireland, but Jesus Christ, that would be...
Yeah, you guys are friends from the Olympics.
Yeah, try the one on the...
Skype chat.
Yes, yes.
Skype chat, yes.
904?
Uh, him.
He's Irish.
Oh, what?
Well, 904.
Okay, I got you.
Who is this now?
Jim.
He's Irish, and he's in Bristol.
Okay.
Jim.
Oh, wicked.
Let me do it.
Let me do it.
Right, I'm going to do it.
Yeah, you do it.
Nope.
Fuck, you do it.
Nope.
Jimmy.
That pick up.
I hope he does.
I'm going to get some money off him.
Hello, your call can not be taken at the moment.
Oh, you can't.
So please leave your message after the tone.
Of course it didn't pick up because UK Godfather sent the number.
God damn you, UK Godfather.
Some of my numbers work, man.
Your shit numbers.
Lonesome is getting more Irish numbers
So let's try David Constantine again
Gin's buddy
Because he may not be busy anymore
Milkman are you still there
Or did we lose you again
Good good keep talking
Keep clapping your hands
No see at 4.30 in the morning in Ireland
Most people are on the phone
Busy
No they're drunk in the pub
Drinking Guinness
Yeah they're just a little late to their own funeral
you guys like Guinness
I've never had a Guinness before
it looks too syrupy for me
I don't know
I don't drink
of course
it's not syrupy
no
it tastes like iron
he's a teetotaler
it tastes like cum
alright well
boy cum or girl cum
girl cum
girl cum
good
good
I think we're out of numbers
I'm going to look at
request a prank here
see what we got
yeah I think
I think
RB
RB Kibby
sent in some numbers
oh shit
RBCP sent in numbers
that
yeah
have uh maybe all right hang on let's see what brad says hey the idea tell customers your employee
you've taken their computer to your house to use for the night and could just take home a customer's
computers each night each night say you're browsing through their photos and a girl in one of the
pictures look really cute and you want her phone number oh and if anyone complains about money to
replace their computer tell them money is clearly no object to them because it was if it was they
they would have bought Adele.
Good point.
15 phone numbers of customers
who've taken their computers
and one for...
Jesus Christ, that's work.
Nice work.
I know.
The lady I talked to
would have given me
as many numbers as I wanted,
but I had her stop at 15
to avoid suspicion.
Brad's idea is on top
of what I already mentioned.
Tell someone that a person
pretending to be them
came in and picked up
their computer.
It was your co-worker
that let them have it,
but then you notice
it was the wrong person
that picked it up.
The computer is gone forever,
but you'll give them
a 10% discount.
count uh we also have towards the purchase of a new computer yeah you accidentally gave their
computer to another customer who was also there for repair tell them it's okay though because
the other person's computer had a bigger hard drive so they shouldn't care uh you erase their
hard drives because that's standard procedure for any repair when they object tell them the
only reason they can possibly have for objecting is because they're pirating software all right
Alright, good deal.
Or you found something illegal on there.
Yeah, MP3s.
Uh-huh.
You found penises on there.
You found penises on a computer.
There's a whole lot of penises on there.
Four penises.
Okay, so here we go.
Black ones this time, Asian ones.
Why are you looking at these little penises?
Of the Americas.
God, I wish you could start yelling at them.
I would like to yell, but I don't know.
I do have to forward the email to the other email address of mine.
the madhouse production email give me a second here forward forward forward murder murder murder
kill kill kill so do you uh go with the same whiskey there carlito was last time or did you
try something a little different no same one about the same one the black label like label
i had the green label in my hand for a while but i couldn't justify it 60 bucks 65 dollars i think
shit whiskey i buy is about 15 fucking dollars see what i mean do you call you call the liquor
store and ask them what the blacks buy and then get that ken no i get a canadian mist it's pretty
good whiskey didn't i do that once in a prank ask what yeah you did you asked her what what the
bombay sapphire or the uh i can't remember what it was sea grooms sea grooms or bombay sapphire
which ones do the blacks buy yeah it really depends on what whiskey you buy if you're gonna
mix it it really doesn't fucking matter if you're drinking straight then it matters the hell do you
who makes whisky with, though.
Ice and water.
How are we all?
I've seen people mix 7-Up with it.
There you go.
Hey, Jack is here.
Jack, how are you doing, Jack?
Yo.
Yo, it's Ted Webb.
How are ya?
Ted Webb.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Stewart.
Oh, fuck.
He's trying to defend their meat.
Mr. Stewart.
No, Mr. Ted.
Yeah, Mr. Gates.
You would like this.
Mr. Gates.
I do not look like Bill Gates.
You don't look like him.
you just sound like him
and Ken sounds like you
that's the thing
you sound like Bill Gates
yep
you sound
you are Bill Gates
you can't
you can't tell anybody
you're not anymore
you can't hide it
any longer
quiet on the set
calling Chris
calls
what
yes hello
may I speak with Chris please
this is your style
my name is Cross
I'm calling
how you doing
oh good
yeah there seems to be a problem
I brought the m*** here
home with me tonight
to do some work on it overnight
see if I can get it out
to you early
and I seem to have
dropped it
has what
I seem to have dropped and I broke the screen.
No, the screen isn't that broke.
No, I dropped it.
I brought it home with me.
I brought it home with me to play with it, and I dropped it.
I dropped it on the floor.
Well, see, I'm not supposed to bring customers home,
so I just wanted to speak with you personally.
Maybe we could come up with some kind of an agreement.
What agreement would that be?
well i have a dell here that i got from the university recently here and i put i put windows
xp on it for you already and i have about 200 mp3s on there that i put on and i was looking
around and i found some older gift cards uh twenty dollars on one and there's thirteen dollars and
fifty cents left on the other so maybe if i give you those then we'll be
That's impossible.
This is my business.
Hello?
This is my business computer.
Yeah, but the Dell's better for business, I think.
No, no, I can't do that.
I have to have it.
Why?
You want to question me about my own computer?
Well, it's not a computer.
It's better than a computer.
Well, whatever the case may be, the computer's all out there.
I want my computer back at the store tomorrow.
Well, the computer's broken, and I'm not going to bring it back to the store
because I'm going to get in trouble, so I'm not doing that.
I thought maybe it...
I need my computer back to the store, or I'm going to press charges.
You're not going to press charges because you signed a waiver,
you signed the agreement when you left it here, or what?
Have my computer at that store.
It's not going to be at the store.
I'm going to come over tonight, or maybe you can meet me at the mall right now
in the parking lot where the Applebee's is,
and I'll give you the Dell laptop.
It's a Dell Inspiron.
on i want my computer well i want my sir it's broken you don't have a computer anymore i don't
care i don't care if it's broken i want that one back it's in 50 pieces stupid i don't care you're
really stupid hello chris yeah i'm here yeah so i'm putting my manager on the line maybe he can
help out jen i'm here i'm here yeah hi hi there is that chris this is chris how you doing there
there, Chris. This is Mr. Stewart. I'm the general manager here for the... How are you?
I'm doing not good right now. I want my...
Okay, I understand, but this is a bit of a problem for all of us here. It's kind of an
embarrassing situation. See, we really didn't want to get ourselves involved, but unfortunately,
you know, our employees are sometimes taking the equipment home with them to repair the
the equipment, but unfortunately
in this case, the
laptop was damaged
and we can't
replace it, and because it's
not part of our policy, it's not
really something we can do, so I'm
afraid we can't help you there. The
agreement is here that we can give
you the Dell as an alternative.
How is that? That's, you know, that's
acceptable? Not going to happen. But I
think that's the only option that we have here.
I don't see anything else.
When I come back to that
My computer's about to be there.
It's not going to be there.
I'm afraid it's not going to be there.
Okay, well, I'm going to let you know.
I'm bringing the police there.
My father is the police of the chief.
He's the police of the chief.
It's going to be a problem.
I'm the general manager here.
Okay, so I'm telling you that's not going to, you know, we can't do anything.
No, you can't just take somebody's computer and work on their computer and fuck it up.
You can't do that.
I understand that.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
We can't do that.
And I apologize sincerely, but, you know, there's nothing I can do further
because it's been done and that's it.
What's done is done.
Exactly.
Joe, I'm coming into that place tomorrow.
No, you're not.
You could come by here and talk to us, but, you know, it's not going to change anything.
Your laptop is broken and we can't get it back.
I want my broken laptop.
Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you.
You didn't leave a broken laptop with us, so you're not getting one.
Well, you know what you just did?
What you just did, what you just did was you created a big problem.
You created a big problem.
We created a problem.
Okay, well, what are you going to do about it?
What are you going to do?
You created a big problem.
You know what?
For one, you're calling my home almost at midnight right now.
That's one of your first problems that you're making.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's outside of hours, so, you know, we're out of hours business, out of hours, you know.
It's an accident.
What can we say?
I want my computer there.
I want my money for that computer.
Okay, Jimmy. Okay, Jimmy.
Well, we could give you the money for the computer.
Hello, you son of a bitch. I'll let you out of your fucking cage again.
Excuse me?
You sound like Jimmy Carter, sir.
Have a good night, y'all.
Are you a peanut farmer?
Hello, dummy.
Aw, Ted, you cunt.
Ted? What's wrong with you, Ted?
Fucker.
Fucking bastard. He sabotaged the whole thing.
I know.
That was going so well, and Ted fucking came in.
It was going towards the gutter anyways.
oh my god somebody's getting fired dude police of the chief is coming tomorrow the police of
the chief should have asked him if his business was dealing drugs he did sound like jimmy carter
didn't he
jimmy i'm bringing the police of the chief my my computer will be there so
Amado.
Why?
Yeah, he sounded like a psych there.
Amado.
Right on the set.
Milkman's trying to talk.
Come on.
Let Milkman talk.
Yes.
Hey, Amado.
Yeah.
Sorry to interrupt.
What's up?
Hey, check your G-Talk here.
I just sent you a message.
A G-Talk?
A Google Talk?
Yeah.
Okay.
You guys having private conversation and private touches?
Yeah, you can tell everyone.
You can talk in front of us, Milkman.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, everybody, I just sent Carlito a G-Talk message.
All right.
Milkman.
Milkman, I don't think...
Let me see.
Oh, God, I got some of these windows open.
Where did you send it, Milkman?
It's really, Milkman.
Come on.
I just sent it right there to you to talk.
LOL zombie, call that Skype name now, bro.
It's the dead.
Hey, the dead.
Yay.
What do you want, asshole?
The dead.
Hey, it's the dead, man.
All right, let me call the dead.
I like when Ted played that fucking clip.
Bob let him out of his cage.
He's like, excuse me?
Anyway, let me call Brianna here.
We'll talk over each other.
Don't fuck up, Ted.
Did you try this?
Yep, I'll try again.
Yeah, all right.
Thank you for calling.
You cannot get to the phone.
I'm sorry, I didn't know we had fucking limits here on the madhouse.
Now, let me go ahead and take that back.
All right, we got Raymond.
Raymond has a MacBook.
Raymond.
Raymond.
Raymond.
There's an Indian person who loves the MacBook, too.
This is going to be good.
Really?
There's an Indian guy?
Yes.
It looks Indian to me.
All right, Ted, don't play your fucking soundboard.
Yeah.
Your mom's fucking cage at the end.
he lost it
dookie
damn
alright Christina
and stick
we are calling
from the department
of the like
place
maybe something
about a couple
employees
fighting and
fucking
tell me sir
what is scam
what is scam
mean to you
oh
we're not trying
to scam you
we just want
to take some money
what is wrong
with you
I would like
your money
sir
hello you
reached Christina
I'm sorry
I can't answer my phone right now, but if you
leave me a message, I would love to get back
to you just as soon as possible.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Oh my god. Hi, Christina.
Everyone's here.
Hello, Christina.
You have the most annoying voice in the world.
Hello, Christina.
Hello. Claire. We're Claire.
We're from California.
Brian, terminate the call, please.
Alright, Shira and Seth.
What are you playing, Ted? What is that?
I'm playing a game.
Oh, it's Frank Garrett.
Frank Garrett?
Frank Garrett.
Who's Frank Garrett?
Is that a country singer?
Frank Garrett, he's an internet legend.
Oh.
He ran a business called Dunkin' Construction.
Frank called repeatedly over three years.
Oh, man.
And now he's dead.
Hello?
Yes, hi, is this Shira?
Yes.
Hi, Shira, this is Cross.
Yes.
Yes, you left the hair that I've been working on tonight.
You got it back?
Yes.
Yeah, you got the wrong...
What?
You have the wrong computer machine.
Why did they do that?
Well, because we gave you the wrong one.
We gave you one that's supposed to be for somebody else.
Oh, my gosh.
So what do I have to do?
Well, I think we can let it slide if you don't tell anybody.
Is this a new one?
Yeah, you got a brand new one, but it belongs to somebody else, though.
Mine belongs to?
It doesn't belong to you.
I didn't steal it.
They gave it to me.
Yeah, but that's not your.
It belongs to somebody else.
Is this a joke or are you serious?
No, this is someone else's that you got.
Okay, wait.
So what do I have to do?
Tell me what to do.
Well, we need you to bring them back tomorrow.
Okay.
And there's going to be a $25 restocking fee, and then you'll get yours back.
Wait, no, I don't need to pay.
You gave it to me.
No, there's a restocking fee because you're returning it.
I understand.
Why would I have to pay if it's your fault?
Well, it's not our fault.
You took it.
You left the store without it.
You were supposed to check your papers.
I checked my papers.
It says you're a fiend.
Yeah, it has your name on it, but did you check the serial number on it?
Are you joking?
This is completely your fault.
No, it's not.
You didn't check.
how are you calling me at 11 48 at night well you left the information here and you gave us
permission to contact you you have someone else's serial number no it's not you have a different one
there hold on one second you have the wrong one and you're really stupid what i'm smart and you're
not you're not as smart as me i know what i'm talking about okay oh he loves those mean sounded
really cute too what the fuck man she sounded a bit she sounded a bit like a brit didn't she
No, she sounded really sweet.
I think she sounded nice.
I don't like to have her sit on my face.
I'm taking her number.
I'm going to call her in my private time.
Private time.
Oh, when you have your little private time.
Yeah, I'm going to talk to her.
Hello, Jonathan.
Yes.
Jonathan, you left a mirror with us today.
I did not.
I have it with me.
You have the wrong one.
Awful.
Yes, it is.
Check the serial number on it, stupid.
Sorry.
No, sir.
I'm calling for you.
He actually liked that.
That's good.
He's listening to Madhouse right now.
What's happening?
A lady speaking perfect English, though.
So there goes Jen.
Jen, would you get with an Indian girl?
Yeah.
Right now, I'd get with any girl.
How does an Indian girl work?
I'll let her sit on my face.
Hello?
Yes, hi.
Is this Hatshit P. Kushma?
Yes, it is.
Yes, and you left an...
Yes, I got it.
How did you get it back?
I went over to the store and got it.
it well you need to bring it back because you weren't supposed to get it back yet i wasn't
supposed to get them i wasn't supposed to get my computer back no you don't have permission to have
that computer no what do you mean i don't have permission to have it because i didn't finish
working with it i didn't finish using it it's it didn't finish it doesn't go right now it's not
going and you don't know you're a lady you don't know a lot about computers i understand you don't
know how to make computers go like i do okay all right what's the problem so i need you i need
need you to bring that back so we can put windows xp on it my name is cross okay why are you calling
me this way well because you made a big mistake when you brought it in it became ours until we
were done fixing it how dare you take it away from our store oh okay well i command you to bring it
back no bring it back don't call just bring it you understand yeah okay just come with it i tell
you what please i'll go to hell and i'll talk to a stupid bitch bitch don't know how to work
Oh, Teresa.
She only thinks she's going to work as a vacuum.
No, Teresa.
Paula Bright instead.
I don't know.
Maria.
All these people brought him back, right?
They're fucking stupid.
They all got him back.
Who is this?
I'll take it.
Paula.
Fuck you, man.
Paula?
Hi, this is Paula.
Please leave a message.
Fuck you.
Most of them.
Yeah, I don't think they've got it, though.
Hello?
Yes, good evening, Amanda.
Yes.
Yes, hello.
I'm calling about this is Mr. Westwood from the...
I got my laptop?
Yes.
Okay.
Have you received it back from an excellent condition?
I'm sorry?
Can you understand me, ma'am?
Yeah, you said, is that everything I'm calling right now?
Yes. Well, there seems to be a bit of a problem with that. Do you have a minute to talk about it?
Okay.
Okay, so here's the thing is that I'm, and what I did is I went ahead and took it home,
and I had some other, we frequently bring them home to work on them,
and sometimes we record videos and post them on YouTube just to test them and this sort of a thing,
but something happened with your computer
and we can't seem to delete
some of the videos off of there
so I hope that's okay
if we can return them back to you
with the videos still on there.
That's fine.
That's fine.
There seems to be...
Go ahead.
I mean, that's fine.
I mean, it's midnight.
Well, yes.
We just want to make sure
that you're getting all the service
that you deserve here at the...
So the problem is
is that some of these videos,
you know, there are some animal videos
and this sort of a thing.
I hope that's going to be all right with you.
Maybe some dog-on-dog, you know, videos.
Maybe some horse-on-man videos.
This sort of a thing.
I'm sorry, are you having trouble hearing me?
And so...
She disconnected.
You had it good, though.
I was going to give you some good tips
because that number,
they're probably only about a half hour from me.
Hi.
Hi.
Is that a woman?
Yeah, that sounds like a female.
Is that a female?
Oh, my God, it's a female.
You're not allowed to have females on here.
It's dark stranger.
Get out of here, God damn it.
You're really nice, kid.
Get out of here, God damn it.
Ken's all jazzed.
Nobody's ever accused me of being nice.
What the fuck is this?
Yeah.
I'll leave then.
Okay.
No, no, don't leave.
What are you doing?
Stay.
See, Jen, you can get it all up if you want to.
You can have your little...
No, no, he's fake.
No, no, we need to, we need women now.
Don't love women.
You sound sexy.
Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
God, UK Godfather, you're so creepy sometimes, man.
Wait, is he the one that's always trying to get a girlfriend?
Who was that?
That's Tombstone.
No, no, that's me, that's me.
No, no, it was another guy who was always asking to get a date, like back in the spring.
Tombstone.
Tombstone, that's right.
He's like, I'll donate money to you.
God, Tombstone.
God.
UK Test, maybe?
I ended up banning him on Skype because he just kept messaging me.
Oh, I want a girl.
How the fuck am I going to get you a girl?
Get me a girl first.
I'm like a matchmaker now.
Okay, what do we got here?
Kayla Dalton.
You got this.
Yeah, is this Kayla?
Yeah, who's this?
Yeah, this is Cross.
Listen, you had...
Yeah, I have it on me right now.
Oh, yeah?
You got the wrong one, honey.
Well, this is what happened.
I got back home and it still wasn't activated, so I went to the store and they activated it for me.
Yeah, but they activated the wrong one.
What do you mean?
Well, you didn't take the right phone.
You took the wrong phone.
It has the wrong SIM card inside of it.
Well, I mean, they gave it to me, so I didn't know.
Well, you made a big mistake because now you're against the warranty
and you're going to get charged $850 plus a restocking fee.
You have to send the phone.
That's not my fault, though.
Well, who gave you permission to go to the store?
We didn't tell you to do that.
You guys gave me the phone and you told me,
Hey, this is your phone.
It's activated.
Leave.
No, you weren't supposed to go to the store.
You're supposed to bring it back here.
Here, here, here, here, here.
How dare you?
No, that's not my fault.
Nobody told me that.
No, he gave me the phone, and he said, you're good to go.
That was not my fault.
I didn't purposely take the wrong phone.
He gave me the phone and told me to leave.
You messed up big time, Kayla, because now you have a stolen iPhone.
Now you don't have permission to be using.
That is not my fault, though.
That's not my fault.
He gave me the phone and said, here, here's your phone.
You're good.
Now you can leave.
That's not my fault.
Was it working when you left?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why did you say it wasn't activated then?
I'm on it right now.
And he said, he said, he said,
Who the fuck is this?
That's my manager.
He's on the line.
He's really upset because you got him in trouble.
That's not my fucking fault.
I don't know who the fuck you are.
Don't call me a fucking cocksucker.
Listen, little girl, don't you talk like that to the men when we're on the phone, all right?
You show some respect.
I didn't like that when she came in the store, too.
It's fucking four o'clock in the morning, you little fucking asshole.
Listen, you little bitch.
Bring that back tomorrow.
He's calling me a little bitch.
This is going to be trouble for you.
Missy.
I swear to God, Missy, I will fucking go to fucking corporate and I will get your ass fired, you fucking asshole.
Listen, I'm the manager here, so do whatever you want.
I don't give a shit.
It's real.
Well, don't fucking swear then, you cunt.
I'm being called a cunt right now by employees.
I'm being called a cunt right now.
Why are you calling me at midnight?
Because you took the phone without permission and we're all going to get in trouble tomorrow now.
I did not take no phone.
No, listen, listen, listen to me.
How dare you?
He activated this shit and gave it to me and told me to leave with it.
It's not my fucking fault.
You're going to blame somebody.
You're going to blame swearing.
You're going to blame the fucking employer that gave it to me, you little fucking dick.
Can you shut up a minute?
Don't sit here and call me names.
Do not fucking swear.
Who is this?
Who the fuck is this?
What's your name?
What's your name?
Who are you?
My name is Jim Stewart.
Do not fucking swear.
Who are you?
Who is this?
Who is this?
Stop fucking swearing at us.
What was that?
I don't recognize you when I get through with you.
ma'am you are a thief we have you on camera robbing our store you have me on camera robbing
this is a joke i'm getting it i'm getting a drunk guilty i'm another right now you can feel off like
you have nothing you have nothing else to do but frank phone call me from another fucking state is
that what's going on right now listen i have a windows phone here you can use maybe that'll be
better since you're a woman you understand it more because it's for stupid people where have
be like on five way girl oh she's into the five way you could tell listen to her voice
hey you guys done let me tell your girlfriend in the background to shut the fuck up you guys
sound like fucking idiots dude no why are you calling a random ass number in a different state
you have nothing better to do at midnight we don't need you raising your voice getting all
all pitchy on us.
Put the man back on the clock.
This is like,
obviously,
this is not a real person.
No, we're real people.
Listen, listen, listen.
Here's the deal, alright, listen.
Every once in a while, we start drinking, we get bored.
Oh, I was going to explain the whole thing there.
It was fun, but he got on the line there.
I like when they have to get their man.
They can't handle it.
Yeah, there you go.
Dark Stranger wears the mid-pants.
Mr. Stewart.
Jen.
Jen disappeared as she...
Mr. Stewart.
I'm nine balls of steel.
No, I'm still here.
Well, thank God you kicked Godfather's ears.
I forget who I'm calling.
Hey, you've reached Hayley Sal.
I'm not here right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Thanks.
It's like it wasn't activated, then it was activated, and she went and didn't...
Dirty thief.
She is.
I know.
It's all by her name and her attitude.
Nasty attitude.
too. Your call has been forwarded
to an automated voice messaging system.
Who cares? Edgar's here.
We got two left. Edgar being one of them.
I'll take Edgar. I think we'll
all take Edgar, but you can start it out.
I'll lead on the Edgar.
Mr. Westwood. And then you guys can have my sloppy
seconds. Nice. Westwood.
Ted, you here still? Ted?
Yes. Anybody named Ted?
Who is this? Who are you? What's his name
again? Who are you?
Edgar. Edgar.
Eddie. Eddie Spaghetti.
Whiskey drunk.
Smoked some pinners.
My cousin Edgar.
Pinners.
Hello.
You've reached it.
Cannot take your call.
Fuck you.
We know your name's Edgar.
And the last one, Natalie Kaufman.
Natalie Kaufman.
Kaufman.
She sounds like a good, uh, good time.
Also.
A Kaufman.
Natalie.
Autobots.
Cannot use the phone.
Hello.
Hello, Natalie.
Yes.
Yes, hello.
This is Brent Westwood calling from...
How are you?
Yes.
Yes, we're calling you about your computer.
Yes.
Yes, there seems to be a bit of a problem with it.
Have you received it back yet?
No, I brought it in today.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
On another problem.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Can you tell me a little bit about what's going on with it?
Yes, I can tell you that they are replacing the disk reader, I believe it is.
Right.
Well, see, the reason that I'm calling is because we're replacing the disk reader
because we found feces inside of the disk drive.
Inside the disk drive?
Yeah, that's right, because you were standing over top of the computer
taking a shit on it, weren't you?
What the hell are you talking about, you...
Well, this is what happens, man.
Learn to hang up your phone, lady.
Hang up her phone.
Why don't you leave it off the hook?
What the hell are you talking about?
Someone took a poo-poo on their dick.
She went from super sweet to so mean.
Well, not mean, but just like...
God, fuck.
Finally.
I'm going to get the police on this.
Listen, Natalie, I'm sorry.
I'm the supervisor here.
Can you get off of this phone?
Shut up.
I'm the supervisor.
Listen.
Yes, I'm the supervisor, and I understand my associate just made a bad call to you.
You better get the hell off this calling the police now.
You're a stupid.
Excuse me.
Is this the lady that took the poo-poo on her dick drug?
Hey, listen, you dumb cunt.
If I find out where you are
I'm going to come over
And take you and your family apart
Don't you ever call this number again
It's my penis
That's what I'm saying
Now shut up
Go out and sell your ass somewhere else
Put the man back on the line you son of a bitch
Why are there penises on this computer
Good point Belfed
Were you anal leaking again on this computer sir
Anal leaking
I hear a lady on the phone
Right she's gone
That's awesome
But yeah, she went from really nice to, wow, she just went up in flames.
She's exploded.
What's going on?
We got, what is her video?
I don't know.
I bet if you call again, she'll fucking go.
Oh, Dark Strange, you turned her video on.
Okay, that's what's up.
Dirty Aaron's got video.
We got video on here now.
Holy shit.
Aaron, you look weird.
I know you look like that.
I don't like that.
You look weird.
You're a very weird person.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, there you go, Ted.
head that's not nice dirty dirty aaron has kids come on man new news says call back 42
all right oh man it's been a while since i've had a good one fuck all right i got a question
yes you ready for this go ahead so i mean should i always feel like we should be generating new
content but it seems like the ban shoot and the jokes just keep getting i mean they get the same
reaction every time so it's hard to move away i know man it's hard to it's hard to get new stuff
i'm trying out new stuff and it usually fails miserably yeah so you gotta stick to how about
sometimes how about calling like i'm following a rock calling a what a bar in iraq the hotel in
dubai they're all it's pretty fun fancy yeah two dollars a minute oh jen got dropped yeah the video
Yeah, video kills the bandwidth, I think,
because I've got so many people connected.
Oh, man.
Anyway.
Who's on Skype?
Huh?
What?
Who's on Skype?
It keeps puffing out.
Your Skype?
I don't know.
Who's on Skype right now?
Ted?
Ted left.
Ken, UK Godfather, and Dark Stranger.
Bye, Ted.
Come back, Ted.
If you want to come back, Ted, you can come back.
We'd like you back.
Yeah, Jin got his audio working
and then it fucking dropped him.
Okay, Ted, how's everybody doing?
Dark Stranger's here.
Milkman, you here still?
Oh, it's all my fault.
Milkman's here.
Ah!
Yay, Milkman.
Horse!
That's all we need is Milkman.
Hi, Mooman.
It's nice to talk to you.
Aw, look at that.
Holy shit, what is this?
Two episodes in a row that...
What the fuck is going on with Skype?
I don't know.
I can restart Skype.
It's time to end the show.
It's like 1.15, guys.
Come on.
No, it's fine.
And we fired up the video
And it fucked everything up
Yeah
Who the fuck
Somebody
Yeah
Fucked up
It was you
The silly Brits
Took a shit on the computer
We didn't even get to see any
Stop your anal leaking
All over Skype
That lady really got mad
I'm gonna call the first guy back here
And then we'll move on
From the Apple stuff
God
I really wanna hear that prank again
That last lady
That was hilarious
You gotta call
You gotta call her back
Before we end the show
I just tried to
She didn't answer but
Yeah that was
That was an excellent turnaround
around hello yeah is this chris again yeah chris listen i i think i fixed the screen i think this
is going to work out what i what and then i hope we can get by you know you don't tell my supervisor
about what happened with the computer but i think i fixed it are you there yeah i'm here i took the
insides of it and i put it inside the dell the case so it looked you lost it you son of a bitch
It looks like Adele.
I'm going to tell you something.
Yes.
Jesus is going to get you.
Okay.
You're going to lose.
You're going to lose.
Good night.
Hey, excuse me.
Don't hang up, sir.
I have a question.
One more question for you.
Are you there?
What do you want?
Yes, this is Breast Westwood.
I'm the head programmer over here.
We're just having a good time over here.
We get a little bored and get a little drunk.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, fuck.
Ah, you killed him.
Wow.
I bet he knows the angry Asiatics.
King Solomon's a faggot
I don't lose it much on pranks
But for some reason just the thought of
Jamming in on the side of
Abdel just cracked me up
What the fuck is going on with this
Gay Skype
Suddenly like
What did I do
The problem is that you're calling
The sound is going under the water
And uh
No I just clicked something and now you're all fucking
You're just flashing up randomly
Every time somebody speaks they come up on the screen
Oh, yeah, you flick screen options
for this call, dynamic view.
Fuck.
Everyone's confused now.
Oh, I got it, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on. Got it.
Everybody stop the show until Jin can get his Skype.
I got it. No.
I'm going to silence Jin's Skype.
Jin can't handle
the Skype.
You can't handle the truth.
Bad sis Crowe pulled a Richie and giggled.
That's true. Isn't it just about time, Jin,
for you to get up and brush your teeth with powdered
sugar or what yeah just about let's call charlie let me talk to him then all right
i'll let you yeah i'd like to hear you talk to charlie you really are creepy tonight uk
godfather more than usual i know i'm sorry i'm uh let me tell you
hello charlie it's mr stewart how are you yeah i know wait wait wait i talked to faizan hello
Charlie is fucking short and to the point
He's had enough of us
Jesus
How long has it been we've been calling him?
Two years?
Maybe he went to the restaurant after I called Faizan
And she was naked on the table as I asked her to be
And he got very angry
It has to be more than two years
I was still in Florida
For a long time
I think
I started listening to the show about two years ago
And that was one of the first prank calls I ever heard
was you calling charlie yeah when he called him for the coke order that was it yeah he was sitting
there he talked him into a three thousand dollar coke order or pepsi order you know he had all the
orange juices and all that shit trying to say oh fuck that three thousand dollars you crazy you
crazy you said he had like a back balance that he didn't pay and all this shit he started flipping
out and that was about i had called him a few times already before that but yeah i remember
because he got pissed off that uh yeah you know that was a random number i think i think what it
was i looked on i didn't have numbers and i went to google maps and i said i'm gonna look at
honolulu and i saw a place called do drop in i was like it must be a hotel let's call it and it
ended up being a chinese restaurant went from there a fucking gold mine right there yeah a lot
of people call them like kdk all the cacti people have called them that gilly prank guy gilly pranks
He calls them a lot
Good evening, Turkish Kitchen
Yes, hi, Turkish Kitchen
Yes
Is this Faizan?
Yeah
Yeah, Jin wanted me to call
He said he's been trying to talk to you for a while
He messes with you, but he kind of likes you
Who?
Jin Stewart, the guy that calls you sometimes
About you?
No, not about me, no
He likes you
He went there and he saw you
He went to eat there once or twice
Okay, can I speak to him?
Yes, you can speak to me
I'm here, I'm always here
Oh, you're there too
Yeah, I'm there. I'm always here.
Why don't you tell me?
Because I'm shy. I'm very shy.
Aww.
But I think I like you.
I've seen you and I like it.
Yeah, can you come here?
I want to come there, but only for sex.
Yeah, come here.
No strings attached. Are you sure you want to do that?
Hello?
I think she would, Jen.
She probably fucking would as well.
We're a little bit too far away to try it, though.
A little variety in her life
The problem is
I think Jen would be the one
Getting it up the ass
Hey you gotta wear the horse mask
And she'll bend you over the table
With her high one dick
She'll fuck you
She'll be the fucker
Alright let's see if Lonson's got any numbers here
Probably does and we gotta get out of here
It was better last week when she was fucking staring at me
Oh fuck yeah
All right, let's do some rapid-fire numbers to Ireland.
Frank Murphy's the first.
Here we go, Frank Murphy.
Let me talk to him.
Speaking of Murphy, I saw, I don't know, I'm a big, you guys probably know, I'm a big Robocop fan.
Oh, Robocop, love it.
The pics from the set, the new Robocop suit got shown this week, earlier this week.
I don't know.
Oh, this is mine, this is mine.
Frank Murphy.
The next one.
No.
Hello, is that Mrs. Murphy?
Who's calling?
This is Mr Stewart. I'm calling from DLC Collections. We've got a collection to make there within about the next 20 minutes.
Collection of what?
A collection. We're collecting money with Debt Collection Agency. There's a £5,000 outstanding to PayPal.
No, I'm sorry. I think you've got the wrong address.
Well, it doesn't matter. We just actually called to confirm that somebody's at the premises, so it doesn't matter.
We know somebody's there, so if you don't answer the door, we can force entry.
We have a police officer with us, and we'll be there shortly.
I'll try again
Okay, next one
It's the same one
Wait, wait, wait
It didn't go through
I got John and Marie Connery
Man, I sucked tonight
What the hell is going on?
You've been alright
I've sucked
We've all sucked tonight
It's okay
I have to do a show
You do
You will
You will do a show
That's the attitude
We believe in you
We believe in the story
And it says you will do a joke.
Yeah, this is mine.
Okay.
My name is Jimbo.
I am calling from the International Insane Water Machine.
Hang on.
They hung up.
They hung up on Jimbo.
I'm so unbelievable.
Oh.
Yeah, that Jimbo thing isn't going to do it.
That was a bit too unbelievable.
What you should do is you should call the UK with a really slow southern accent.
What do you mean southern accent?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, this is Jim. I'm calling with a very small accent from the south.
What are you doing?
Can you imagine the look on her face when the fucking four of us were doing that?
Let me do one just to fuck with him.
See how long he can drag the conversation out.
Brian, this is Brian Cadogan. Cadogan? Cadogan?
Yeah, let me talk to him. See what we're getting into.
Talk really slow.
This is so funny sometimes when people don't actually say anything.
Just imagining what they're gonna look like.
Oh, come on. What the fuck? Nobody said anything!
Hello?
Who's this?
Mr. Stewart. Who is this?
Yeah, yeah. It's Mr. Stewart. How are you?
Stewart?
Mr. Stewart. Yeah, yeah. How are you?
Talk to me, you cunt.
Who are you?
I'm just... I'm Mr. Stewart. I'm calling you at 620...
Hello, yeah, I'm calling you this morning just to fuck with you.
How are you feeling?
What do you mean, go and man yourself, bud?
Hello?
The hell's man yourself?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
Go jerk off.
Man yourself.
None of you talked.
He picked up, and you were just all, like, quiet, and I just thought, what the fuck?
Ken fucking called it.
That's Ken's retard ass.
I was trying to talk.
Yeah, fucking hell, Ken.
No, I was talking, but I got cut off.
You were not talking.
We waited hours.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
All right, I'll get the next one.
All right, you get to call.
Well, let me do this one.
This is a special request from that guy.
That's his name, that guy.
Like that.
Like that.
A guy called Om.
Rhymes with foam.
Om.
Should we just chant to him?
Start with the Lord's Prayer.
Oh, Father.
It's been a while.
It's been a while.
Check your G-Talk.
Hail Satan.
Dear Satan.
Emmanuel.
Hail Satan.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
4, 1, 9, 3.
I'll try it again.
Again, Milkman, that's the same one that I'm calling that you just G-talked me.
I'm Gort.
Let me try it.
Oh, okay.
He's sending me something to PM here.
Yep.
I'm trying it again.
Maybe it's good.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice.
Nope.
Nope.
All right, here's William Hankey.
Hanley.
William Hankey.
Hankey.
Hey, I almost said Hankey.
William Hankey.
Hankey.
Hankey.
Hankey.
William Hanley.
Are you going to do the water guy again?
No.
Plumbing guy?
Go ahead, plumber.
Good.
Go ahead. There you go.
Speak to Mr. Hanky Panky, please.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Yes, it's six o'clock in the morning.
Do you have a computer?
No, no, no, no, no. This is serious.
Do you have a computer?
Do you have one?
Do you have a computer?
Do you have one?
Yes, yes, yes.
I can see that you've got a virus.
Stick it there, would you?
No, no, no. You've got a virus on your computer?
Can I speak to Mr. Hanky Panky, please?
She's gone.
You know where to stick it.
I'm tired of game over. I know you are, but what am I?
You stick it.
All right.
This is everyone.
Who wants the last number of the night?
William.
Me, me, me, Julie.
We should give it to the lady.
Let's talk strangers.
Everybody.
So fucking late.
Let's do it all together.
All right.
Yeah, let's all do it.
All right.
Here we go.
We're all going to do William and Carmel Tracy.
Party line.
Voicemail.
I say entering machine.
My grandmother still has one.
She has an entering machine.
An entering machine?
An answering machine.
Oh, an answering machine.
I thought you said an entering machine.
don't answer the phone she has like a physical box press the button phone box phone box
mine is built into the phone so i can hear people wow most people have here's the last
one williams old school williams slattery bitches let's do it okay find a number find
a number that answers god curly we should just microsoft or something and then just
Just like, because they can't hang up.
Right, you just call tech support.
And sit on hold for ten minutes.
Yeah, and say there's so many of us, and we just all have different problems.
We don't want to hold.
Hello?
Yes, hi, William Slattery.
Hello.
Morning.
How are you doing?
What time it is?
Hello.
William.
Do you know the time, sir?
Terry, who is this?
We need to know the time.
Yeah, it's 6.20 in the morning.
It's just you.
Yeah.
And friends.
6.20 in the morning.
Can you cook me some breakfast, please?
I'm hungry.
ASL first.
isn't it time to get up and brush your teeth
probably some coffee too
it's pretty early
you lost him
you lost me
you lost me because I'm leaving
I'm going to sleep
bye UK Godfather
bye Dark Strangler
goodnight fuckers
goodnight
what's your name
Dark Aaron
Dark and Dirty
Black Negro
bye Ken
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Okay.
Jeez.
And, uh,
Jen, you're out of here
on your ass.
See you later, man.
Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, man.
Great show.
Thank you.
Yay, thanks.
Bye.
See you soon.
Take care.
See you soon.
All right, have a good weekend.
See you, man.
Bye.
Yeah, you too.
All right, and, uh,
Milkman, are you awake?
Oh, no, you almost made it.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
I made it for 30 seconds.
Did I miss anything?
You were so close
not falling asleep
the whole show.
Oh, shit.
You bastard.
Milkman, take us out of here.
We're done.
I got to go.
Talk to that man and give me attention next time, man.
Special attention from me.
I'll be the luckiest guy in the whole damn room.
Yeah!
All right, kids.
There you go.
Another fun film installment right here in the mouth.
What's that, bro?
Nothing, nothing.
Nothing, nothing.
Is that it?
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Oh, okay, okay.
Another fun film installment right here in the mouth, man.
8.6 style, that's what I'm talking about.
out and i'd like to thank our number six man they're trying to have my hands
sorry nothing nothing i'm sorry i'm in a weird mood then yeah go ahead go ahead
are you spanking the manky or what the heck yeah
i'm thinking about faizan are you firing one up all right dude i got one fired up too man we'll
do one here we'll go out and fire him my brother all right i definitely want to thank our number
Number's Hitman there, that's right.
Number's Hitman.
Everybody, hold up.
There's something about Number's Hitman.
I know it's a loser.
Thank you, our listeners.
That's right.
Everybody right here in the mouth chat.
All our friends at Cacti.
We'll maybe laugh at anybody.
Imagine they get from the syndicate.
We love you all.
We have the most active show right here on the air now.
We're weak.
We need the time.
We just ask that you give us the time.
They're always invited and welcome right here in the madhouse.
That's right, you saw that big flying finger.
Hey, one of them.
One of them, you're all welcome.
Thank you, that's right, you especially.
You are listening to our view, and we do it every week through right here.
This is the Milkman, your brother here, and the Admonito, our good and cleanest,
delicious, awesome man.
How awesome we do it about you, Admonito.
Glad we met you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Over to me, and over to you, Milkman.
Thank you.
Over there.
There you go.
Over there.
Yeah, we're all out of here, everybody.
thanks for joining us here thanks everyone who sent in numbers uh sorry for the numbers i didn't
get to tonight lonesome and the rest of the request to prankers i did the best i could
good work all across the board we had fun tonight that's what's important everyone have a good
weekend bye milkman monkey chimes oh man
there you go funky chimes see you later guys bye

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