Is the Water Hot or Cold? – 10/4/12 Show

call anymore if you call anymore it's a crank call stop it i don't give a fuck about archery okay

i i you send up a bitch and get no goddamn dollars

you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

hey man i'm hearing myself you fix it don't worry you fix it milkman connect did that work

or did he go to voicemail yeah i heard him i heard him he talked he said something

He said hi

Hermanito, what's your story?

El Manito

Hermanito

Hermano

Hermanito, que fue que fue?

Let's keep it running, my son

Am I even doing a show or not? I don't know

Let's just do a friggin' show, man

Cause we ain't playing no shit

I'm more excited than I am cause I don't want to do a show

I don't feel like doing a show

I'm emotionally compromised

Oh, Hermanito, come on, man

punch man it's never gonna hurt we're gonna let the pumping go on and then we'll just give him a

punch in the eye and move on okay what happened somebody beat you up nobody beat me up physically

no one's beat me up emotionally i'm just fucking dead weight tell me why i don't want to talk

about the work it's insane it's just is it a female no no no no not this time no then it's

not a problem my wife and i were doing a little no it's just some personal stuff related to work

work and shit you know how that shit goes man it's frustrating you know how to deal with shit

don't worry about it go to the cleaners take care of your stuff everything will be all right

we'll go ahead yay i think you and your wife should have a threesome with a really hot chick

i agree why even have a wife why even include the wife what's the point what's the hot chick

can i hold the camera no that's private time you dirty you dirty pig you would join in that's

private time we'll be like hang on a minute this we'll better be like yeah milk buster i'm just

just gonna record and next thing i know i look over he's over there

got his hand out

go to watch the video go to watch the video bouncing up and down the video is

it doesn't help it it's pretty hot man it's pretty hot looking at my ass going up and down

dirty jim what uh missionary doggy style how do you like oh yeah doggy is quite deep i don't think

I prefer spooning

spooning what are you a fag

oh my god

you like to kiss and hug

oh yeah

you love her

you made me laugh

you made me feel better

my cat can tell when I'm not happy

when I'm sad

why does she spoon you

no he starts acting funny

he'll headbutt me

and be really nice

but he made me laugh he was he went in the kitchen and started like rummaging in the

in the kitchen and i yelled at him i said hey davi stop it and he ran from the kitchen all

the way through the living room and down the stairs for no reason it's the weirdest thing

he's like okay and i said davi and he came running to me and he jumped up on my lap

and started headbutting me like in the face i'm like all right he's like what the hell is going

on here man i leave the room for five minutes and all hell breaks anyway well let's let's do shows

man uh death fox is sending in numbers milkman yeah yeah death fox says he's been confirming

some numbers man just a good old old school days man uh definitely good numbers out of it they got

uh they got lonesome loser in the house sending in numbers we got um request to pranks here sending

in numbers we got a lot of stuff going on that's awesome hey just wanted to give a big shout out

to BigEnigma420

who's working on a

new layout for the

Madhouse site. It's going to be a WordPress

site. Oh, that's exciting.

It's actually looking really good, man.

I took some screenshots

of it. It's still a work in progress.

Send it to me. Where can I find that?

I haven't posted them yet. I took

screenshots this afternoon, but I didn't post them

anywhere. I'm going to put them in the forum so you guys can

take a look. Who did you say is doing it?

Enigma420 is working on it.

He does a hell of a job, too, man.

he's good yeah he's putting we're putting some final touch what we did the most important thing

now is we need to migrate the forums we got to migrate all the posts and the users over to the

new forums and then we have to migrate the the bigger nightmare is going to be migrating all

the podcast episodes all the archives the pranks and the shows and all the descriptions and all

the pictures and and and all that but it's going to have a commenting system so now like when you

we've had a lot of people asking about this

how they'd like to be able to make a comment

or a tag, like tag

episodes so it's easier to find

like if you tag an episode

that has Charlie in it, you know we can tag

put Charlie in there and if you want to find all the

episodes with Charlie, you put in

Charlie and you get them all so

You could also like put in a tag cloud

so you can see all the tags and the ones

that are most popular. Yeah, they come up

bigger and all that, yeah, those are all options

the forums

We've got to move Request a Prank.

Request a Prank is working in there already.

I'm pretty sure it's working.

We've got to move the chat room into there and all that.

There's still quite a bit of work done, but I'd say it's a good 75% done.

So thanks to Enigma.

Hopefully, I'm hoping by the show next week, maybe we'll do inaugural party show machine for the new website, Launch Party.

That would be kind of cool.

So we'll see.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Enigma doing a good job.

Chat room's done, Enigma says, on the beta site.

uh so there you go good it looks sharp as shit man i'm you know i'm just telling you i looked

at it dude it's definitely got all our original flavor it looks like our original site was nice

and clean and tidy and very well done i like everything is linked and you know it's uh well

it's going to be easy for me to manage stuff with it now and i think the cool thing is like you'll

get to the site and you'll log in you'll log into madhouse you know and that's your login for the

the forums and for the comment system and and uh you're gonna we're gonna have the the a lot of the

social media stuff in there so when you're when you're checking out a an archive prank call if

you like it you can you know share it on facebook and twitter and google plus or gort we're gonna

get a gort button in there too yeah gort's working pretty good man i'll tell you man the speed's

working great tonight man uh thanks for that i also put a link to go on content to do it very

Very good.

Make sure, yeah.

I'm MadhouseRadio on Gort.

Milkman is Milkman420.

Jin, what are you?

Are you just Jin on Gort?

Did you grab that in time?

Yeah, I'm just Jin.

I'm just Jin.

Wow.

That's good.

Yeah, see, I should have just gotten Madhouse.

I'm going to see if that's still available on Gort.

There you go.

I was an early adopter to Twitter.

I grabbed Madhouse on Twitter, and I get a lot of people all the time messaging me on Twitter thinking I'm something else.

They think I'm a nightclub called Madhouse.

Nice.

there's a comedy club called madhouse there's there's that pants company uh you know what you

should is it is in the uk isn't there a a clothing store called madhouse or something

i don't know i didn't shop there i don't yeah well they they made a pair of pants

earlier in the year and if you looked at the tag it said um it had the instructions on how to wash

it and it was like you know tumble dry or just have your wife do it because it's her job or

something like that and it because i log into twitter one day and i got all these messages

like sexist pants at madhouse i'm like what the fuck what did i do so i just started rolling with

it i started making all these sexist comments and um like all these blogs picked up on it like oh

the madhouse uh people the madhouse pants people were uh making sexist comments good times i'm

sorry jen i i i rolled right over you were making some kind of i'm gonna um on on uh skype i'm gonna

going to send you an idea right for a domain that you could get right because i checked it last time

yeah okay check this out what do you think of that it's it's a domain hack right the first

part ignore the first part it's just like the the second and the end part that you would be

actually registered oh i've done that i've done that before i've done that oh you did that i and

i let it expire because no one ever went to it really good domain yeah i had that i had that

I think I had 6themouth.com, and I made the subdomain 98, so it went 98.6.

Yeah, nice.

It was there up for like three years, and I was like, I'll let it expire.

I was like, nine bucks.

I should have just kept it, but yeah, it looks cool.

It's a good domain.

Yeah.

Good domain.

You might be able to grab it.

I did take out a-

Yeah, it's available.

That's why I just put it in there, but now that you've blasted it out on live air, everybody's

going to go and buy it.

I'm not sure if that felt good when we get it.

98.6, the map I found.

I had it for a few years.

Yeah, whoops.

Anyway, I did take out a new domain last week because I'm trying to start a prank call network here.

We get some regular shows.

Jen, you were doing a show on Sunday, but then you had a problem last week, and you don't want to do a show anymore.

What's that about?

It was just the fact that it was a bit slow.

It was a good show.

I listened back to it.

It wasn't actually a bad show.

There's no such thing as a bad show.

the calls at the beginning were great

but I think it just got a little bit dull

because there was no responses

from the people and I just thought

fuck sake this is one of those days

so I just thought fuck it I'll end it

I'll carry on again next week

so probably I don't know if I'm going to do one on Sunday

or if I'm going to start doing a podcast

I don't know I haven't decided

maybe I'll do one on Sunday

feedback is important

we're trying to get hold of you

we've all lined up in the chat

I know you're using email

and that's one way

It seems like a lot of people in real time are just wanting to maybe be able to leave you messages or whatever.

So I don't know if that probably would help you.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

But I wanted to use Twitter.

I wanted to make the most of Twitter and Facebook and everything else rather than using the IRC

because not everybody knows how to use an IRC channel.

Well, then use TweetDeck and put your Facebook and Twitter both in there so those all come right at you.

and then IRC in the background

for the hardcore, because your

hardcore listeners, you know, for now

at least, until you start getting

you know, until the word starts

spreading, it's going to be us

you know, and these guys

absolutely right, and it's the Madhouse Network

that's going to be making it big

no one knows your back yet, that's the thing, and you've got a lot

of people out there in the winter

that are like you, Jen, and they are

friends with Madhouse, but they won't stop being regularly

and we don't have a way to notify

So getting jimstuart.com is an important thing,

plus getting other people talking about you, talking with you, could not hurt you.

Yeah, absolutely right.

I think it would give you more of a sense of fulfillment as you have input from people.

It makes you feel good, and when you're laughing, you're having fun.

Everybody else is having fun, and that makes it a good time for everybody.

I was actually thinking about getting somebody else onto the show like you, Milkman,

or just getting um just additional people on the show but then i got some feedback from a couple of

fans who said yeah um they don't really want to listen to a chat show they'd rather have like

just a prank cord show with just me so that probably gave me the idea to just like do it

by myself but i don't know yet maybe one one or two other people like we're doing now like

for the majority of the show uh it's always me and milkman and then you know and then i'll i'll

let like a third person who i know is is good like jen you or reclute or or talk or or you know one

of the you know the guys that i know they're you know good at this uh three's my limit for the

majority of shows you know what i do is at the last hour of the show i usually open up skype

then i'll have like up to eight people on sometimes and sometimes it's crazy and they get

complaints people like you know will email me like man that's way too many people at the end and

everyone's talking but we're just having fun and we have you know sometimes it works out

Sometimes it doesn't.

That's why I save it for the last hour.

But that's what they're like.

They're doing the live shows, you know.

Like, when you're doing them, you just cannot predict how it's going to go.

Yeah.

And, you know, that's kind of like been a mainstay, I always felt like, for our show.

Even when the calls are slow, we're providing some material, something to keep people interested, some entertainment, you know.

And it's just part of the whole thing of providing entertainment.

It's just, you know, one single specific thing, you know, we're doing.

We're just pranking someone.

They're either going to be pranks or nothing else.

And if they're bad, then that's the end of the show, or how does it go?

So that's just another way to look at it, you know, is offer a thing of entertainment.

So, you know, as the live thing ebbs and flows, you're going to have your three peaks,

and you're going to have your slowed-down middle stretches.

You just kind of have other things to do in the meantime.

I think that's a good way to approach it, you know, so I don't know.

Maybe that's something.

I think you're a great guy

You're talented

You're young

You're brand

You're handsome

You know

You're a budding talent

You know

I've always said that

You know that

From day one

I don't want that

To slow you down

You're taking the

Spotlight off Carlito

Good God

Blah blah blah

You need

To shut

The fuck

Carlito's my man

I love you man

But you know

We do

Okay faggot

Thanks man

Alright

Okay faggot

So hey

let's do some prank calls

I'm laughing at Clay's comment in the chat room

yeah complaints about a chat show

aka Nunu

basically that's a very true point

he gets real upset when we start talking too much

he just wants pranks

he jerks off to prank calls all day

what is it with him

I don't get it

he doesn't ever call into the show

we'd never hear his voice

but apparently KDK knows it

I have talked to him

No, he doesn't.

Are you serious?

I've talked to him.

Yeah, and KDK knows quite a little bit about him.

Apparently he lives with his parents kind of like in a basement, I guess.

And he has toys.

He plays with toys a lot, apparently.

And he likes prank calls.

He listens to Blue Planet and prank radio and Madhouse radio pranks and stuff.

And, you know, he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He's got bad case of Tourette's.

That's the one thing that I want to make people know about.

Is that actually true?

Come on.

Is that really true?

That's why he won't speak to nobody.

He has a real bad case of Tourette's.

He has those micromachines.

You remember those micromachines he plays?

He has 20-year-old micromachines, and he plays all the sets.

I thought he was like some kind of celebrity or something.

That's why he wants to never talk to anybody.

He's got like a double-decker bus, and he's got one of a lorry,

and he's got different ones.

Oh, man.

Anyway, so let's continue on with the show.

Let's do some prank calls.

Real quick, what I wanted to say was be sure if you're interested in doing a prank call show on the Yeti.

Well, I could give out.

I got a domain.

I'm not doing anything with it yet.

But I took out our domain for hopefully what becomes a prank call network.

Instead of calling the stream the Madhouse stream or Madhouse live stream or whatever, I like to call it Prank Call Nation.

I found that domain and I thought it would sound funny.

Prank Call Nation.

if not we can call it something else with the domains out there but i took out the prank call

nation.com domain and uh i'd like to make that kind of like a like the network uh page right

there um but i like to get a regular schedule of uh prank call shows i've been talking to the guys

from gilly cast uh they're thinking about maybe doing a show regularly on a weekly basis they've

got a podcast already the gilly cast podcast i believe we need more girls to do shows i want

I want to get, like, girls to do shows.

Well, Dark Stranger does conferences sometimes.

I don't know.

She hosts them.

Yeah, she sounds quite nice.

Maybe I should get her on to my show.

She's a cool dude.

Yeah, you should.

Neo used to do some shows.

Neo, Neo, Neo.

Yeah, what happened to Neo?

I remember Neo.

I think she on Tuesdays.

Big Neo?

She's not into pranks anymore or anything like that.

But, yeah, she grew up.

Anyway, let's do pranks.

Come on.

We'll talk more later.

Write down your ideas, Jen and Milkman, and we'll talk about them later.

Write down my ideas.

Write down your ideas.

Put them on the big board and gort, and we're going to call.

I got Gandhi, the most peaceful Indian food.

I bet you they won't be angry.

Gandhi's Indian cuisine.

Let me try this one here and see if I can make.

That'd be funny if Gandhi Indian cuisine was really mean.

Let's think about it because Gandhi was peaceful.

I saw a video where someone threw a rock at Gandhi.

I'm happy.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order for stupid food.

Yes.

Yeah, I'm going to go pick it up.

I don't want you to deliver it.

Okay, go ahead, sir.

All right, well, like, an order of papadums.

One of papadums, okay.

Uh-huh.

One pilau rice.

Okay, one steamed basmati.

We have steamed basmati rice.

Basmati rice?

Okay.

All right.

One phu.

One what?

Phu.

You don't have phu?

I don't have phu.

Huh?

You don't have phu.

No phu.

Okay.

One ba.

Uh-huh.

No ba, too.

Ba, too?

No ba.

All right, yeah.

Yeah, one noba.

One noba.

Okay.

Okay, what else?

One gandhu.

One gandhi, gandhu?

No, gandhu.

Okay.

All right, one bhenchod.

One what?

Bhenchod.

Okay, okay.

One ulu.

Okay.

All right.

One teramari lan.

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

One durulala.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And then my friend Jin, he has a phrase that he says.

It's like, sup maravilla.

I don't know what it is.

Jin, what is that?

Sit maranil fwa.

That's it.

Sit maranil fwa.

Okay.

not bengali he's in he's in indian you have to say to him something else like uh gandu

something i don't know do you know gandu what is gandu yeah you are gandu gandu gandu i think i

think how do you know gandu how do i know gandu i'm from bangladesh man i am from listen to me

i am from bangladesh gandu is a gay man yeah you are a gandu why are you laughing huh do you like

Yeah, do you like me?

I think you are a gay

No, I am not

I am not a gandu, you are a gandu

I'm a gandu

I'm gandu, you like me?

Yeah, yeah

Are you dark or light skin?

Alright, take care

Bye

See ya

That's a real nice guy

That was a nice start to the show

He was a happy gandu, wasn't he?

He was laughing at all the curses.

He was laughing.

Yeah, yeah.

He was happy gone do.

Oh, man.

Jeez.

Your pronunciation is shit, though.

You were like, you were like,

dur-la-la-la-la.

Dur-la-la-la-la.

What is it?

Dur-la-la?

What is it?

Dur-ha-la-ha-la.

And what's the other one?

Sud-ma-ra-what?

Sud-ma-ra-need-fu-a.

All right.

Yeah, it's the son of a pig.

But it's only Bengali, then, you're saying.

Yeah, it's only Bengali.

I don't know any Hindi or anything like that.

They're all similar, but Bengali is the only one I know

because every fucking Indian restaurant in the UK is run by Bangladeshis.

It's just fucking – I don't get it.

Okay, yeah.

I went to – me and two of the Indian guys from work and me and my boss,

my American boss, we went out for pizza and beer a few weeks ago after work,

and I was telling him, yeah, I know some Indian curse words.

We're just like, really?

And I started rattling off all, you know, Bantud and Gandu.

And one of them was like, I don't know what they are.

What's that?

And the other guy was like cracking up.

He was like, how did you know that?

And he explained to me, he's like, yeah, what you're saying is that's Hindu.

I forgot what dialect it is.

He said that the majority of Indians speak that, but there's like 60 dialects in India.

So a lot of people won't know what you're saying when you say that.

But the majority of people know.

And he was laughing.

He couldn't believe I knew that.

He was like, how did you know?

I have a friend in the UK who taught me that, meaning you, Jim.

I was telling him that.

He started laughing.

I was like, oh, okay.

Sounds funny.

No one knows there that I do a show, but I don't know.

They were listening.

Yeah, that was funny.

It's the majority of Indians there where I work at.

I don't know how they would take it if they listened to one of the shows.

It's me saying, yeah, I'm going to do a bunch of getting the fights.

Himalayan cuisine here.

Indian.

Is that India also?

Himalayas?

Yeah, I guess so.

The Himalayas, isn't that like the Chinese borders?

Tibet.

Yeah, that's it, Tibet.

Yeah, Milkman had a Tibet girl.

Hey, little boy, how are you?

Good, how are you?

I want to make an order.

To order?

Yeah, for to go.

Chicken.

Well, what do you have that's like chicken?

Anything good?

Chicken curry, chicken mindalu, chicken tikka masala.

All right, I'll try the chicken.

Yeah, chicken tikka masala.

That's like the Indian version.

Okay, I'll have that.

You have papadums?

I do have it.

One of those?

and do you have pilau rice or jasmine or what do you have sorry what kind of rice do you have any

pilau or jasmine rice i have a pilau i have a rice i have a basmati or no i do have basmati

all right i'll have the pilau rice then okay and what's the what's what's the total maybe

and how long 15 okay sounds good how spicy you want me to make the food uh i like it um medium

medium medium spicy this is cross sorry mr cross may i have your number uh yeah sure give me a

second here it's uh okay sounds good well thank you thank you so much bye i want to try that

whole i don't like himalayan food thing i want to do one of those tonight because i don't think

he's going to get too angry that guy though yeah i don't think so i don't think so well i did it i

did it during the week i'm going to play something on if i do a show i'm going to play something on

sunday you're gonna scream yeah well absolutely incredible well i'll tell you jen you were doing

good because when you had all the taxes at the place last last week yeah that was good that was

good remember the one guy wasn't it wasn't bad but unfortunately they were not good sports so

obviously they they they didn't they didn't flip out the way i wanted them to but i did one during

the week where i sent i ordered a big amount of food like 150 pounds worth of food all together

from two different restaurants like i went one was a pizzeria and one was an indian and then i sent

taxis to both of them and i told the taxi drivers to deliver the food from one to the other but

obviously they weren't going to do that because um you know they're not getting paid for it so

they were like who's going to pay and who's going to pay for the food and everything and they got

so mad and the thing is because i was showing my caller id and my number i was getting people

calling me literally every time i hung up they just called back again and they were just like

breathing down the phone just to try and scare me or something and say yeah i'm gonna kill you

and all this it was crazy i can't wait to play it on sunday it's gonna be mad well i can't wait

either i look forward to that uh i'm very drunk just to let you know you might have to take over

milkman and gin uh tom tom but i'm having some insomnia problem i'm just all fucked up man i got

ever since i had these surgeries last year i've been suffering from a lot of pain in my arm and

and my knee, and it comes and goes, and I have good weeks and I have bad weeks,

and I'm in the middle of a good week right now.

I'm not going to get into why I've got the pain issues.

In your knee?

mostly in my arm my right shoulder is really bad um and i'm kind of like uh are you

sure it's not arthritis if it's in your knee and your arm and your shoulder yeah it's it's it's

kind of like it's uh it's rheumatoid kind of a room okay yeah rheumatoid arthritis okay all right

so working on getting it work worked out uh i have attacks i have flare-ups of it but i'm in

the middle of one right now and i can't when i do fall asleep i i don't have a good sleep you

You know, I can't get into a deep state.

You have RA, bro?

I have RA?

Kind of, yeah.

In a way, it's a long story.

I didn't know that.

But actually, all your illnesses are shit,

because in comparison to what I've been diagnosed with,

I make it all look stupid.

I have something called trigeminal neuralgia,

which is the most painful condition known in medical science.

So thank you very much.

What the hell?

Trigenital?

What's that?

Trigeminal neuralgia.

It's like a condition where the trigeminal nerve in the brain

uh it has some sort of inflammation or something and it's very very painful and i was getting it

for about six weeks and about four weeks in your neck uh no no in my in my eye and in my face on

one side of the face um and it's really bad and i i they put me on something called tegritol which

is like uh it's really good but like it's the first first couple of weeks were like really

drowsy and in fact sunday i was feeling really drowsy because of the tablets but i feel much

better now so yeah i don't get any headaches at the moment because the tablets are working but

it was really bad but whenever it's going on it feels like a headache yeah it was like yeah

they're sort of attacks so they come on as soon as i wake up uh really early in the morning and

it was fucking painful like several how long did it last are you able to see it um no you can't

really think straight when it happens um i i had to call an ambulance on two occasions it was that

that bad oh my god that is hardcore it's really really painful but it's bad it's it's bad but

it's okay now like i'm happy it's gone even these tablets are really good is that a genetic

condition or is that just something i don't know apparently apparently it's quite rare it doesn't

it doesn't happen a lot to many people um how how is it induced environmentally or just it's not

very much there's no there's no there's no findings there's not very much information

holy shit yeah h in the chat room h of g bull is putting a wikipedia also known the suicide

disease good god yeah because it's so painful um people that people have been known in the past

to commit suicide because it was that painful please don't do that don't do that there's an

there's an art no i don't worry i went there's an article somebody else man

what's the call what's the call where you tell the guy you're gonna kill yourself the

Indian guy, he's like, no, no, no, please, do not.

Oh, yeah.

Before you collect them.

Actually, I had Aftab talk to him as well.

I just transferred him in.

Yeah, that was quite funny.

Do not kill yourself.

That's right, man.

Bring your friends, or better yet, bring your enemies.

They're always welcome.

Hey, you know that.

In the chat room, Tabachi says, pussies, out of all of us.

Nunu says, Jin has the gay AIDS.

Clay says, diabetes is what he has.

and Kemp says

the cure for what I have is Ambien

in head, awesome, cool

alright, too bad my wife doesn't love me anymore

just real quick

before we go on and that's it for me

this shingles thing is starting to go around

I started seeing it on TV

my cousin had it man

and I don't know if most people realize

that it's not an old person's disease

it's another manifestation

of this virus called herpes zoster

when you're a kid

It is called chicken pox.

And then after you've had chicken pox later on, it comes out when you're sick.

Like, it's called cold sores.

And it's closer when you get old.

It comes out again with, like, a pustule type thing.

And it's really, really painful.

All your nerve endings are on fire.

And that's called shingles.

And people nowadays, I guess a lot of people are even younger getting that shit, man.

It's really, really paralyzing pain.

I don't think quite as bad as what Jen's got.

But, man, that's another thing, you know, to be looking out for, too.

i can't really explain to you how painful it is but i can tell you that basically the articles i

was reading after after the diagnosis uh some of them said like um in comparison to childbirth

it was it was like really it was more painful than childbirth and they're getting they're

getting anesthetics for that and you know i'm sat there thinking most painful medical condition

known to medical science yeah that feels really good you know that actually made me feel really

really bad when i read that you know my heart started pounding and i'm thinking fuck's sake

no you gotta calm down don't read that you get you give yourself an attack yeah no no it happens

actually like it happens on cue for some strange reason like every time i was waking up and it was

the same thing oh really strange that sucks man all right well take it easy man take yourself

oh it's all right it doesn't really because the blood flow increases to your brain when you wake

Yeah, you've got to jerk off when that happens.

Hey, we've got another Indian cuisine here.

That cured blindness, too.

You know what's the worst?

You ever jerk off when you've got a headache,

and it's all right when you're doing it,

and then when you stop, it comes back really pounding.

It's the worst.

I've never tried it.

One of the biggest headaches is trying to get the shit off the wall.

Next time you get a headache, jerk off,

and you'll see when you stop jerking off, it's bad.

I don't know, maybe that's just me.

That's a chat room.

So where's your sheets after that?

chat room tell us any guys in there if you ever done that it's true jerking off sometimes you

just gotta even if you got a headache gotta jerk off hey tamba indian cuisine we got a lot of indian

places here uh that's good there's nothing wrong with that here we go you want one jen you let me

know yeah let me do it all right tamba in las vegas yeah city of sex can i help you yes yes

hello how are you good good excellent excellent this is mr stewart i'm calling from the national

health service we're doing an inspection in las vegas to all the nice restaurants and everything

else and your restaurant has come up as one of the ones we need to take a look at because we've

got reports that you're filthy bastards um right now there's no manager so if you want to call

back in one hour you can uh no actually i need to come in immediately don't worry about the manager

or the manageress i will come in and i will inspect the kitchen and i will inspect i'll be

search on all the female members of staff i have to let them know sir yeah you could yeah yeah okay

get get there tell them yeah

hello oh yes who am i speaking with my name is rick how can i help you hello rick my name is

mr stewart i'm calling from the national health service we're doing an inspection in las vegas

all the restaurants and hotels in the area,

and your restaurant came up as one of the ones we need to have a look at

because we've had reports that you're very filthy.

Okay.

May I have your designation?

What designation? What do you mean?

What's your rank? What's your designation, you know, in the health department?

I'm a senior VIP.

Okay. So when are you planning to come over?

I would like to come over immediately because the reports are very serious,

and we need to have a look, and we need to be also inspecting the members of staff.

I will be doing a full-body cavity search on all female members of staff

to make sure they're not hiding any dirty things up there.

Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

I never heard about that before.

Well, you're going to see it in a minute when I get there.

Okay, that's perfectly fine. I'm waiting for you.

Okay, you're waiting for me. What's your name again?

Rick.

Rick, okay.

I need you to get all the members of female members of staff lined up in a line

so that when I get there, they will be stripped.

Make sure you're straight, all right?

What?

Make sure you're straight.

What do you mean, straight?

So I can line all the female staff.

No, you idiot.

Line them up now.

I'm coming.

Hello?

I'll call back.

He sounds...

It sounds like he's really...

Coral purchase, baby.

Salting his onions.

Jen, I heard that British term today.

Salting my onions.

You take over.

Salting onions.

You're salting my onions.

What was his name, Mark?

Rick.

It's funny how you can forget that within a second.

Got to wear your Rebel boots.

You're not available now.

Please leave your name.

Can't.

All right, hang on.

I'll call from the...

I've got a different number here

I can call

I was like

I'm a senior veep

he's like

okay

your designation

what

designation

your fucking borg

I'm seven of nine

borg designation

five of twelve

can I help you

yes

I need to speak with Rick please

you have the wrong number

no this is the Indian restaurant

it is yes

there's a Rick or a Mark there

the manager

you have the wrong number sir

this is restaurant

restaurant

damn it

they lie to me don't they what number did we call uh yeah we called tamba she picked up tamba

was it tamba and she said yeah yeah yeah yeah she said tamba was definitely tamba what a stupid

her all right saffron i like some saffron it's a good it's a good taste saffron i actually hate

indian food with a fucking impassion i don't like it yeah oh man they make it they make it a work

so we'll have a we'll have a potluck man and these indian guys will make and their wives will make a

a dish and they'll make a dish they got this one guy um we only have like maybe 20 to 30 people

max that work in our building and i'd say two-thirds of them are indian they piece people

brought so much food this guy brought in um such a large amount of of lawn bread like homemade

made lawn bread it was real oh my god it was like it was a huge bowl just full of lawn

they have one they have one called they have one called chicken 78 or chicken 69 or something

its name after the year was invented it's little it's little pieces of chicken that are fried

with like peppers and stuff oh my god chicken 69 sounds it's it's like it's chicken in a number i

don't know what number it is chicken 22 if it's 69 then you know it didn't come from uh the year

yeah i know a good asian joke if we get a chinese place here i like to give my asian joke i won't

give it out now i don't want to ruin it chinese food is not bad i like chinese and korean korean

i love korean food it's really nice oh kimchi rice ever have that yeah kimchi is a side dish

she normally goes with it but kimchi rice is something they do at the end of the meal where

like they've got rice they just throw it all in the pan how long does it take for you to shit in

the toilet after you eat that jen that's the famous prank i don't know if you heard that but

yeah i heard it i heard it that's ridiculous you asked that question so saffron yeah you do it oh

thanks i'm happy i did a show now hi saffron how are you very good can i make an order

Uh, sure, whenever you're ready.

No, I'm not ready yet.

Okay.

All right, I'll call back in a little bit.

Okay.

All right, bye.

I don't get why there's, like, never any Indian people.

Like, over here, you call up an Indian restaurant,

and it's guaranteed that it's going to be a man answering with a funny accent.

Over there, it's like, oh, hi, I'm a cute American girl.

Yeah, an American girl.

I'm going to talk to her.

Let's call the Himalayan place where I should be ready to make an order.

Yes, hi.

I called to make an order.

Two orders, sir.

To go order under Mr. Cross?

Okay, so what do you want, sir?

Huh?

One fish low rice, right?

Yes.

It should be almost ready, sir.

It is ready, sir, yeah.

Is it ready?

Yeah, it is ready.

Oh, yeah, I want to cancel.

I don't know.

I remembered I don't like Indian food.

I don't.

Do you want to cancel it?

Yeah, I don't want it.

It's stupid, nasty food, so.

Oh, just you talk with somebody else, okay?

We'll take an order.

Huh?

No.

Yeah, is my order ready?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's too bad because I decided I don't like, it's nasty food.

Sorry?

It's nasty food, it's not good food, it's bad food.

Why did you order them before?

Well, at first, but then I started doing the research and I heard about all these things that are in this food.

It's disgusting, you know?

So, Simon, careful, I'm in duty because...

Well, can I make a different order?

No, I can't get you any order.

No, just, I'm going to pick this one up.

You want one or you want me to get the other order?

A different order.

The same order?

No, a different one.

Fortunately, I can make it because I can't trust you.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

The order that you made, I'm going to come pick it up, but I want to add some more to it.

Okay, that's all.

Can you add something to it, please?

Did you say you had Rogan Josh?

It was a chicken.

Yes, I did.

Okay, we'll add a chicken Rogan Josh to it.

Okay, lamb.

Lamb's good.

And then you said, what did you have that's not pilau rice?

What was the other one?

You had a fried rice, was it?

Yeah, I did have it.

All right, I'll have a fried rice also.

Yes.

Do you have a vegetable biryani at all, or no?

Yeah, I do have a vegetable biryani.

Well, no, I think that's enough.

That's enough.

And how long will that be?

Next week.

All right.

I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Thanks.

And hang on to the other stuff.

I'm going to get it all, so I'm going to pay for it.

What was your name?

I'm sorry, Duga.

All right.

I'll be there in a short while.

Thank you.

I'll call him back in 15 minutes and cancel it.

He's going to be pissed.

How the fuck is he going to call you back?

He's probably going to call up that number, though.

oh yeah that'll ring to me that's that's a number here that rings here so oh really yeah

nice maybe get them to add the vegetable biryani that's why i asked him if you had it

do that again be sure you want this is you do that again

so obviously the order's up to like 40 bucks now it was 20 something before

it's gonna be up to 40 that's seriously that's nothing compared to what i did in the week but

that i really i shouldn't do that like i spent a lot of money i did pizza heart i did uh

Domino's pizza

and literally

150 pounds

worth of food

that's

that's over

is that not over

300 dollars

how much is that

let me find out

yeah

like 300 dollars

sounds about right

yeah

242 dollars

wow

yeah

you can imagine

they were pissed

yeah

I still really like

the one you put on

YouTube

where the

the first guy

that got

upset

yeah

don't like

Indian food

He's like, if you were in front of me, I would slap your face.

You'd like stomp.

Stomp it.

Here's a liquor store.

Jin, you can't do this because you don't drink liquor.

Sorry.

Yeah.

You wouldn't know what to do.

Close the liquor.

Yeah, is this Mexican stupid liquor people?

Excuse me?

Is this stupid Mexican liquor people?

Well, just say yes or no.

Well, definitely not Mexican.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order, please.

We don't fuck with that kind of shit.

I don't either, man.

Fuck Mexicans.

Vince, white power all the way.

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

What is it?

Can I make an order for delivery?

What's the order, bro?

Do you have any gin?

Which gins?

What's the, not the best gin, but like the middle range?

The middle range, obviously.

Well, you don't do delivery then, right?

Nah, not liquor.

All right, so what do you got?

Gin, you got Tangeray.

Bombay would be that mid-class one.

You can go New Amsterdam.

No!

Yep, and then August.

Okay, Tangeray, you thinking?

The Tangeray?

Yeah, Tangeray's good.

wow i'm really stupid tonight i just don't know what to do i've hung up on one person

off the bat ring the liquor store that guy just made weird noises and he giggled while i did it

gort yes this is the liquor store yeah this is gort liquor store yeah

no it's the same one

oh yes you're right milkman

yeah hi there

hello

I had one hiccup and hung up

he hung up man

that is extreme

extreme hang up is what he did

that was a stupid prank on mine

I apologize to all the madhouse listeners

Lonesome was upset about the

Cardinals

what did the Arizona Cardinals do

a fraught team should have never been 4-0

Ryan Williams

oh yeah they were the only undefeated team

game um what happened what happened to the arizona cardinals let me look real quick let's

play a song machine here game still going on we've got andre roberts in for arizona he's got

no touchdowns with seven points for me in the football league 30 yards very good my guess is

he's got four receptions and 30 yards my math is correct six points arizona cardinals defense

i got one interception all right cool we'll talk about this later but how funny is it

that Ken in the Fantasy Football League lost to Richie

who doesn't even pay attention to his team

and had two players that were not playing last week

and he still lost.

You still lost to Richie, Ken.

You suck, man.

You're a suck.

So how many laggers you got now who's not playing?

Ken beat me.

Yeah, bring us up to speed here for us not in the league.

It's not that Richie isn't playing.

He logs in.

He's retarded, though.

He's like, I don't know what to do.

it'll tell him like this player

is sick

you should ring somebody up

I don't know what to do

what do I do

I'm stupid man

it's complex as hell man

we should do that oh my god

that is such a great idea

when I worked at an air conditioning company

I was the dispatcher and I got a call

from one of the technicians fixing an air

conditioner in some house

and the owners weren't there they left the house open

open for him and he busted a pipe inside the house when he was fixing the air conditioner

and on the second floor of a wood of a wood floored house and there's water going everywhere

and he can't shut it off and he calls me on the dispatch radio he's like carlos the water is

spilling everywhere i'm like what he's like i broke a pipe and water's going everywhere what

what do I do?

That's what he said.

And there's like 10 people standing around here

and we all started cracking up

and for like the rest of the year

all we kept saying was,

what do I do?

That was like our big thing

we would say when we panicked.

We were like,

what do I do?

Guys.

Yeah.

Seriously, we should do that.

We should call somebody

and be like,

I'll try to get you in the cool.

We're like stupid people.

I'm Mr. Stupid.

I don't know, man.

I'm really stupid.

We should call a Chinese place and see what they say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

I think this is Chinese.

It's American with a K.

Ni.

Ni and I.

I have no idea what that would be.

It doesn't matter because we're just going to do all the stupid things.

We're just stupid.

I don't make them know.

Yeah.

We're just stupid Americans.

That's all that matters.

I'm a stupid person.

Yeah.

All right.

I know this is a weird show tonight, guys.

I'm in a weird emotion.

It's a really weird show.

Yo, why the people are so stupid?

I'm in a weird emotional state.

I'm just happy to be here, happy to be alive.

Yeah.

A lot of my homies aren't alive right now.

American A Sushi, how can I help you?

Yeah, hi there, hello. Me and my stupid brother,

we wanna make an order there.

Hmm?

Okay, well what would you like to order?

Just tell me what's on the menu, cause I'm stupid, I can't weed it.

Hello?

Asshole? Asshole. You're a stupid ass, man.

Hello?

Hello.

Stop it.

Hello.

Fuck him.

He's American.

He's not going to go for it.

It's a Japanese restaurant.

They have sushi.

Yeah, but that guy's American.

You can hear it in his accent.

He's like, oh, yeah, right.

Well, we'll keep him on the line.

Yeah, fuck him.

Let's do another one.

Let's try the same thing with another.

I don't think it's Himalayan time yet.

Here we are.

Sefrani, Indian, and Pakistani.

You know they're really angry there because they're in conflict with each other all the time.

Well, let's try it.

Tell him you're from the Kashmir.

There we go.

Hey, Manu, did you order?

Yeah, I did.

He wants to call in.

Call in, DarkFoxMachine.

Call in on Skype.

Skype in.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know if you read my message or anything.

Yeah, or send in numbers.

Oh, I've got a good idea.

Perfect pick-up.

Yes, hello.

Who am I speaking with?

Yeah, I want to speak to any senior, senior person.

Are you senior?

Yes.

Excellent.

I'm Mr. Stewart.

I'm an arms dealer.

Do you know what that is?

No, I don't know.

Yeah, okay.

I deal arms.

and I was thinking about supplying weapons to both sides of the team.

Do you understand?

No, no, no. We're calling it the right place.

Basically, we're going to play a game.

It's called Capture the Flag

and your restaurant is in competition with another restaurant

and I'm going to give both restaurants a gun

and then you can just kill each other and capture the flag.

Do you understand?

No. Why would it be joking?

Why am I joking?

I'm not into this kind of game, sir.

It's a fun game. It's called Capture the Flag.

I'm going to give you a gun.

Other restaurant gets a gun as well.

Then there's a flag in the middle.

One of you grabs the flag and brings it back to your restaurant.

The winner gets $1,000.

Can you call my owner?

I want to talk to you now.

Why can't I?

The game starts in 10 minutes.

I don't want to be a part of this.

$1,000.

You don't want to be a part of this game.

Are you an idiot?

Excuse me?

You must be a stupid idiot.

Why?

Why you don't want to be a part of this game?

Please.

I don't want to talk to you.

You're an idiot.

That's why.

because nothing remains in its present form when fire touches it america must be burned

there you go jen is that what you're trying to say yeah something like that

i was a bit disappointed because uh jen you uh you broke the code of pranks you broke the code

of pranks there why what did i do the code of pranks you know threaten bodily harm and prank

I'm just saying

I'll let you slide

You're Jin fucking Stewart

Let's see what we got here

Lonesome has sent in

No more numbers

Alright Lonesome you're out of here

New news since

Make sure when we call Turks

To mention Atartuk

Ataturk

Accused people of being Dalits

Oh yeah Jin

Apparently the caste system

The Dalits

we've been trying to incorporate that lately

I don't know that a lot of them know

about the caste system

oh hell yeah they know about

your Brahma they don't even know who the fuck

that's top class bro

so you start talking like your Brahma dude

they ain't gonna be running no restaurants

they're gonna be servicing shit like that

they're gonna be lower class

so you start mentioning that shit you're gonna piss them off

how long after eat food to shit in the toilet

he says to make sure we ask also

he says to call Indians

Indians, accuse them of being Dalits and ask them to come and clean your toilet.

Accuse them of being what?

Dalit.

That's like the lowest, the untouchable on the, you know, the caste system.

You know what that is in the old Indian society over 100 years ago?

No, I don't know anything about that kind of thing.

What was it, five levels, milkman?

Like Brahmin?

Well, yeah, you know, at least.

You know, plus you get down and you get into, you know, like their actual, you know, the area they're born in and stuff.

you know a class middle class kind of thing but you know it's kind of expanded and it encompasses

like uh you know the origin like what area they're from and such like that so that would be like your

leaders your spiritual people uh your uh politicians and such and then you know on the

to whatever the lowest i don't know about whatever he's talking about but i definitely know brahma

is a top class

my ex

you're Obama

Obama

Obama or Obama

Obama

let me ask you

what is

what is a llama

llama is a

South American

quadruped

looks like

oh my god

kind of like a horse

with a long neck

yeah

like a wolf

it's a winamp animal

right

winamp

yeah

yeah there you go

they spit

this fucking llama

spit at me once

at the zoo

they did spit

this motherfucker

you're right you know what i did the motherfucker he spit at me at the zoo when i was in a field

trip you climbed over the fence and beat the shit out of him what did you know no i went to the gift

shop and i bought these hot uh candies these hot um sour candies and i fed him to it the motherfucker

i fed him the hot candy and he ate it oh yeah that's so cruel because they can't they can't

regurgitate that no but he spit it out but fuck him oh i can't you know

You know, horses can't regurgitate, so

so I don't know if llamas can either.

You told me that last week.

They probably can't.

But, yeah, I gave it to them.

They definitely can't.

I was like...

He's going over halfway down his neck.

He's got, like, a three-foot neck.

Son of a bitch.

I was like...

I was like, hey, llama.

Hey, hey, man.

Hey, hey there, guy.

Hey.

And I gave him a...

Have some of this candy, huh?

Yeah, hey, guy.

Hey, guy.

He's like...

The cat looked like a mule in the face, too.

I mean, it's really weird.

Slap the shit out of a llama.

He spit on me.

I was just sitting there, oh, cool llama.

Like, you motherfucker, you.

And everyone was laughing at me, like, oh, Carl's got spit on by the llama.

Like, fuck you, nigga.

He felt scared.

He scared himself out.

I gave him a freaking warning.

Can you give me some help here?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to confirm my order's ready.

Yes.

You got the full order.

What do you have there now, the whole thing?

I have a chicken tikka masala and your pithula rice and your raw mangoes.

It's still making.

It's not ready yet?

Yeah.

How long, how much longer?

Yeah, I mean, if you ask him, he will be here.

It will be ready next.

Okay, well, I think I'm going to cancel it.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah, I thought he didn't make it.

I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to do it.

Yeah, he's pissed.

I was hoping he would make it.

Okay, they just want me to come in so they can kick my ass.

Like, you call making jokes, huh?

You bastard.

Hey, we got a Kung Fu Academy.

Tat Wong Kung Fu Academy.

Kung Fu Academy, wow.

The only pranks I've ever done that have gone anywhere with, like, martial arts places is I ask them,

I want to, will you teach me how to karate chop a desk in half?

And they're like, no, we don't do that.

Let me try this then.

And then recently, though, I said one where, like, what?

All right, I already gave the story out, but I said that my dad, and it's true, my dad,

I wanted to join a kung fu place, a kung fu school, and my dad was like, oh, God.

Like, I kept talking about it.

like i saw karate kid when it first came out i'm like i want to be a karate kid i want to do karate

and he took me the karate thing and then we were leaving he like he let me talk the guy came the

man the the sensei came he was like yeah you know you come after school and we'll teach you respect

and you'll you know do karate and this and that we do trips together and then like my dad's like

you can't join like why not and i need it really was because he couldn't fucking afford it it was

It was too expensive, and we were poor.

But he was like, no, because you have to pray to the dragon.

I'm like, what are you talking about?

He's like, yeah, you know, if you join karate, you don't pray to God anymore.

They say they force you to pray to the dragon.

And if the dragon tells you to kill yourself, you have to kill yourself.

He's driving home, and he's like, the dragon could tell me right now to turn my –

we were going over a bridge, and he's like, the dragon could tell me to turn the wheel

and go over the bridge, and I'd have to do it.

i'm like what it's like yeah so the dragon could even tell you to kill mom and dad

i'm like oh my god i got all scared and shit yeah what a horrible father right

yeah that's pretty that's pretty bad yeah so then what i do is i i think once i recently

i called and i said that i heard you i just told that i heard you have to pray to the dragon

anyway you're doing you're gonna do this kung fu academy all right good luck good luck with that

jen thanks man yeah no pressure don't get the dragon on you yeah safe me you know i'm saying

like i'm gonna try and do this hello yeah safe man i need to speak to somebody about the kung fu

in it for yourself or for a child yes for me in it i'm i want to do some kung fu i want to

i want to know the type of kung fu that you guys is doing right there what does that mean though

i don't know what that means i've never done it and you can research all the history on it if

you'd like i don't have any private lesson yeah i would like to come in but let me ask you

something right i've been watching like lots of kung fu movies and that so i reckon i've got like

a lot of experience in this area yeah and i'm like i do know that film with bruce lee and chuck

norris with the way of the dragon where they do like the fight scene and their big arena and

they're like you know fighting and that are you interested in acting or are you interested in

training no i'm interested yeah in like beating people you know i mean like why don't you stop

Start by the school and we'll see what you've learned before and you can come in and um, well, it's not like

But i've never had lessons in that and I don't really like I don't like the idea of like being in a lesson

Where somebody like teach me something. I just want to be like a fighter, you know, I mean I want to go in there

All right

I gotta get back to teaching people that want to learn. Well, you're stupid then in it bitch. Yeah, it's not like a puerto rican kid

Yo, why are you so stupid?

What the fuck is that about?

Gosh.

Yo, why you stupid and shit?

She was not a good sport.

She was a cunt.

That could have been a lot better if it was like some guy.

It was a cunt.

She was like, why'd you Google it and shit?

Mira, hi, how you doing?

Yeah, yeah.

Why do you call up a place and they tell you to Google it?

That's fucking retarded.

Coño, why you Googling and shit?

You sound like Racine from Jerky Boys.

Ay, coño.

Coño.

I slapped myself in the pool, too.

Here's another Kung Fu Academy.

Let me try this one.

And you jump in, Jin.

You tell him.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll do Tamex because I've never done that before.

You were doing your Oli G impersonation.

That was cool.

What?

Yes, I am.

Is this the Kung Fu Academy?

What?

Yeah, is this Kung Fu Academy?

Yeah.

Are you the master?

Yeah, who are you?

My name is Cross.

I wanted to get a Kung Fu lesson.

All right, what can you tell me?

Huh?

What can you tell me?

I don't know what you want to talk in.

Is this Choy Lee?

Oh, hi.

Are you Choy Lee?

Yes, I want to learn Kung Fu, and I wanted to know, like,

I understand that when you start the Kung Fu class,

you guys, you pass around a dog, like a little puppy, around the class,

and that you say that the class can't start until the puppy is dead?

Sorry, I'm a little bit English.

Oh, okay.

And I want to kick you in the balls.

Oh, okay, if you're not here, you can come to my class and watch and better.

Can I touch you in the balls and kick you in the balls?

What are the balls?

And your balls, down there, I want to touch and kiss you and everything.

That's not a good kung fu, it's traditional kung fu.

Yeah, but do I get to hold you and kiss you and everything?

Oh, I'm sorry, I...

No, you're not busy, you just woke up, you're smoking marijuana.

Okay.

You stupid.

I'm nine o'clock close.

Shut up.

Stupid.

You have time, you come to watch it, okay?

I punch you.

Okay.

When can I come down?

Yeah, tomorrow you can come to looking.

What time?

10 to 4.

In the morning?

Okay.

Okay, and then you take my pants off?

Yeah, 10 to 4 open, okay?

And pants, my pants.

Yeah, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., okay?

Okay.

But I want to take my pants off.

I want you to see me like that and jump around.

Yeah, you can.

Okay, I hope you come to here.

talking, okay? Are you going to kick me

down there? I don't kick you.

Why you kick you? You kick me. I want you

to kick me with your foot.

I don't understand a lot

of English, okay? You know how to

punch? You can't come to talking. Listen.

You know punch? There's a punch,

okay? Punch me.

How do you punch you?

You punch me. I want you to punch me.

Why? I like it.

It's fun.

You pay money, I punch you?

you i pay you money you punch me you need to learn okay in that case i'm not punching you

okay oh please baby you're not saying that i don't like it punching you oh come on it makes

me horny i get off okay i like it okay sorry angry okay you tomorrow okay charlie seems like

a cool dude i love that part you were like he's gonna jump you're gonna jump around you're gonna

Why don't you make it and jump around?

That nearly killed me.

I had to mute, man.

That was brilliant.

Thanks.

All right.

Let's see.

We got some sushi bars.

You like sushi?

Yeah, I've got a massive echo, by the way.

I don't know what to do.

I don't either.

I don't know.

I've got a stick.

Hello.

Milkman, turn off your gourd.

All right, man.

Okay, I re-brewed it.

All right.

Good.

Thanks.

I sent you a new MOTD if you got it there.

All right.

Thanks.

I got a new MOTD.

Message of the day.

all right bass says australia tell them you ate some really spicy food and now your ass is

bleeding when you take a dump uh this is a hemorrhoid place hemorrhoid hemorrhoid and

rectal bleeding clinic in in melbourne australia oh god i got a sign you see i used to go i used

to go to um i used to go to like uh what was it like therapy like you know therapy sessions like

for talking about your being angry.

About 15, 10 years ago,

and I was walking in the office building on a Sunday.

I had an appointment on a Sunday,

so there was no one in there.

And I went by, and one of the offices said,

what was it?

Hemorrhoid Relief Center of Central Florida?

Something like that?

Central Florida Hemorrhoid Relief Center?

And I was really high.

I stole the sign.

And you know, the sign's in the bathroom.

I actually had the sign,

So it's in the bathroom, hanging on the wall.

Because I think it's funny.

Like the Hemorrhoid Relief Center, and it's in the bathroom.

That makes sense, right?

I think it makes sense.

But anyway, I saw that and I started laughing.

And remember, my therapist is like, what did you do?

Like, I stole the sign.

He's like, go put that back.

I'm like, no, man, it's so funny.

He's like, oh, my God.

I used to give that therapist a hard time.

Anyway.

I used to give that therapist a hard time.

anyway our hemorrhoid relief center here the hemorrhoid and rectal bleeding anybody want it

milkman you want to call it absolutely not all right jen you want to call it no man i've got

an echo and i can't stay too much longer either you gotta go to work oh you're not going on this

end now i hear something like that redo the call you want me to call back uh hello mr lincoln

still speaking yes hi is this about the asses sorry uh the hemorrhoids i'm sorry this is not

the clinic for it the doctor doesn't do them anymore oh what about rectal itch sorry when i

defecate my rectal muscles aren't aren't pinching off the feces um yeah well you need we don't deal

with that anymore you need to contact your gp to refer you to somebody else well what do you do

there then you don't touch it's hernias only hernias and that's the hernias to do hemorrhoids

but he's now stopped because he's 73 all right so hernias is what like when the ass the the tube

comes out too far from the asshole?

No, the hernias is a lump in your groin.

You need to go talk to your GP.

Thanks for calling. Bye.

How do you fix that?

I've got to call the GP, the general practitioner in charge.

Are you still getting echoes, bastards?

Yeah, no. Yes, yeah.

Yes, yes, no?

Yeah, I am.

Slightly.

All right, well, let's...

Because you haven't got your shit sorted, that's all.

Oh, shit.

All right, I'm going to hang up the call,

and then i'll call milkman and gin back all right good all right what yay all right actually if i

remember correctly the best way to do this is for me to shut down skype completely shut down skype

on the computers and then go to task manager and shut down the process because what the problem is

when what i've learned it's a memory leak with skype that they haven't fixed for six fucking

years there we go now i can open skype machine again here we are let's get gin back gin story

we got echo still american probably not no excellent yeah you you did it you are a fucking

genius i know the fix you uh please enjoy the following party is being reached what did you do

i mean your setup is what you have i have three computers here to do my thing i have three i only

use two for the show but i have three i i got it kind of uh i got a laptop that handles skype

And my messaging, so...

Oh, I see.

And then the audio out from that goes into the audio in from the new computer.

I got this new machine.

Oh, you have a new machine?

Oh, yeah.

I got 32 gigs of RAM on it.

32 gigs of RAM.

I think I'm kidding.

It's as much as me.

Yeah, but people are like,

you never used 32 gigs of RAM.

You never used 32 gigs of RAM.

It's bullshit.

At some point, everyone's like,

oh, you'll never need 4 gigs of RAM.

You'll never need a gig of RAM.

You know, at some point we'll be hitting 32 gigs of RAM, A.

B, I run a virtual machine on there, on this machine here.

It runs, I've got Windows 8.

I don't run that too much.

But I also have a virtual machine that runs Mac OS X Mountain Lion.

And you can allocate RAM specifically to that.

So I allocate 8 gigs of RAM to the virtual machine.

What do you use for the, do you use VMware?

No, I'm using the Oracle version.

What's it called?

Oh, VBox, VBox.

VirtualBox, VirtualBox, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because getting Mountain Lion to run in VMware is a freaking nightmare,

so I just stuck to VBox.

I found a nice tutorial on it.

Yeah, VBox is great.

RAM works all right, man.

RAM is fire.

When I was a customer, man, when you're buying RAM, you're buying time.

You know, you can do more things at once quicker.

You can do each process individually quicker.

you know more processing always you're buying time when you're buying ram yeah so for me like

i can allocate eight gigs of ram and i still have plenty of ram left over for the uh for the main

windows 7 operating system on the machine itself so it runs nice yeah it runs nice i forgot what

what else do i have on here i got a i got a pretty good so you got the supercomputer over there man

it's about how many thousand what's the guy um i've got an i7 uh processor so yeah yeah what did

which one uh what is it the fuck the eye oh my god i gotta look i got on my google doc here

it is the i i know it's the k version so it's the one that's unlocked first of all the 3770

k it's a sandy bridge first of all or what's the newer one sandy bridge is new one right

ivy bridge ivy bridge yeah sandy bridge or is it yeah yeah whichever is the newest of the two

the sandy i think it's sandy bridge it's that one it's it's a nicer one it's the i think it's the

the i7 uh this is i one five five fifty seven fifty seventy five fifty i forgot i i stopped

paying attention to it after i built it i i don't keep up on like i went and i mean i know enough

i got the 3770k i know enough of computer hardware like how it works and what the specs do and stuff

but i'm not the guy that's like oh did you hear about the new 5220k i7 like i don't keep up with

that like you know i i seriously like i know what i'm doing when it comes down to but i'm not going

to keep up with everything about hardware like i know what's out there but i'm not like every

single piece of hardware on a motherboard to make it work yeah exactly i built the damn thing by

myself without a problem how much lp cash does that thing have uh milkman you're asking me things

that i don't remember now i could have told you a month ago when i built the stupid thing but right

right now i can't tell you what is a quad core it's a quad core yes it is a quad core like 12

maybe 12 megs maybe here we go i got it here i built it in june uh i'll tell you i've got an

intel core i7 3770k yeah that's the same as what i've got yeah it cost me 350 bucks on ueg um

got the uh what 32 gigs of ram i got my my gpu is a geforce gtx 670 i remember because i was

I was thinking about getting the 680, but it was, like, an extra $150 for, like, a minimal increase in performance.

So what I figure is when the time comes, I'll either run two 670s and SLI, or I'll just upgrade it all together and get rid of the 670.

But, yeah, the GTX 670 runs pretty nice, man.

I'm pretty happy with it.

Got an Asus motherboard.

Runs well.

What are you looking for?

or you want the specs on the chip, on the CPU?

Yeah, the CPU with the L2 cache on board.

Let's see here.

I think that's like 12 on the quad, something like that.

They're double digits, I believe.

It's an Ivy Bridge 3.5 gigahertz, 3.9 gigahertz turbo.

Dude, they have an odd case for it.

Quad core, and it's unlocked,

so I haven't even dealt with going into overclocking it,

but when the time comes, it'll be easier to do.

it'll be better supported because it's the when you got the k version at the end of the chip name

it's the unlock version uh l2 cache milkman i'd have to look here in the specs somewhere i couldn't

tell you off hand what did what did you what case have you got for that i got an okay case it's one

of these um antec cases yeah i've got an antec 300 what have you got i got the 900 okay yeah it's i

like because i like blue blue's my color okay um and it's it's got all the the blue lights came

with it and everything and i got my uh my power supply has a built-in it's a cool max and it's

got the blue the blue um light led in it too so it's all blued out you can see it on the video

nice it looks really nice um yeah it looks good man i can just tuck it away under the desk you

know like i just got this monster under the table just nothing doing it actually i've got it up it's

it's mine sits right next to me like everyone can see when you come in the window you know

oversee right through it and i got all the cables are nice and clean like all tucked away i did

really good cable management got some good airflow in there you know nice that's good to have good

airflow yeah good airflow i like that on the on the antique 300 it's got like a filter on the front

so like you don't get too much dust and that's just what i got yeah i got nice so i just pull

it out filter and i wiped it off with a cloth and put it right back in good to go yeah make

you a filter if you don't have one make you one that's what i did on all of mine yeah you know i

I know your PC is pretty good, but I think

my PC is better still, even though

I've got only half the RAM you've got

on the same CPU, but I'm using

the 5970, and I still

think it's better than what you've got.

The 5970? Yeah, the

HD 5970. Oh, okay.

Also, did you not see on

Facebook, on my thing, like

my computer setup, my monitors?

No, I did not. You didn't see that?

No. Yeah, it's in one of my

galleries in my photos. If you go in, you'll

see, like,

Like, the monitor setup, I've got three monitors.

Really, really nice.

Very nice.

Two 24-inch and one 30-inch in the middle.

Tabachis says, Athena hates probably all of my computers.

No, she doesn't hate them, but she says,

if I ever cheat on her, she's taking a hammer to every single monitor and computer.

She said that.

She was like, I won't leave you if I catch you once.

You get one chance.

I won't leave you if you cheat on me,

but i'm taking a hammer to fucking every piece of computer equipment that you have every madhouse

freaking sound card sound uh board and shit i'm like i guess i'm not cheating on you anytime soon

yeah man if that happens i gotta wear a hard hat when i come over yeah well i mean if if if she

doesn't count my android phone i might do it i don't know but i got the i and if she doesn't

count my ipad that's bullshit because she didn't make that deal before i got the ipad

The iPad doesn't count.

I'll keep the iPad.

I'll hide the iPad.

You want to grow that to protect yourself.

God, I was doing the math today.

How many Wi-Fi devices do I have in my house?

We have all together, I'll tell you.

We've got two laptops.

We have two desktop computers.

We have a PlayStation 3.

We have three smartphones.

We have one tablet and a second tablet on the way.

Athena's going to get the new Kindle for her birthday

when they come out in November.

And what else?

I think that's it.

Oh, I got a DLNA-enabled surround sound system

so I can watch Netflix and get music off DLNA in the living room.

That's 11 Wi-Fi devices altogether here.

I was going to say 10, but I don't know.

Maybe 11, yeah.

If you were like, who's that guy, Uri Geller, who bends spoons?

You know, he walks around with a tin cap.

Yeah.

Like a fucking

He doesn't have any

Wi-Fi shit in his house

Madness

I'm sorry man

What do you got

An N network?

No I just got a G

I gotta

That's my next step

I gotta upgrade the Wi-Fi here

I was gonna say

Yeah get you on an N

What's the fastest one

300 or something like that

N300

I think so

And is

And even an approved standard yet

Or is that still

Oh yeah

It's all been straightened out now

Finally

I think they've got

There's not like

Three levels of it at least

I think 300 is about

Yeah I gotta do that

And put a tomato on that shit

Yeah, they fleshed it out now.

Everybody's agreed on it now.

That draft and all that kind of shit kind of went away.

I don't know how to pay $6 or $9 on any one of them.

All right, it's midnight.

We can get Ken on here.

Hey, Big Ken, how you doing?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, man.

Hey.

More fucking.

It's not Ken.

It's bloody Ted Webb.

Ted Webb.

Impressionist.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

I just realized.

Look, man, I just catch it up two months ago when we realized that.

Ted, man, how'd you lose to Richie, man?

Come on.

What was that about?

Mark Sanchez is a piece of shit.

I can't believe three goddamn points from a quarterback.

He threw for 97 yards, and that's it.

You know what?

Just saying.

I dropped Tim Tebow.

He's in free agency right now.

I'm just saying.

Well, Roethlisberger was on a fucking bye.

That's how that debacle happened.

All right, cool.

I picked up Hasselbeck.

Was it Hasselbeck?

What's his name?

What's his face for Seattle?

That's Hasselbeck.

Yeah, I picked him up for my bye weeks.

I got a bye week this week and next week for my two QBs.

I was watching Monday Night Football, and fucking I had Miles Austin playing.

The only way I was going to get saved is if he got me 19 points and he got me 15.

And he could have got me more on the last, like, two minutes,

but they pulled all the starters out.

And I was like, you son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch.

Fucking ass.

Like, no, don't you know I've got a fantasy game?

You guys are going to try to drive in the last two fucking minutes.

You put the backup QB in and take all the starters out.

I was like, all I needed was about 20 more fucking yards,

and he would have got me the points I needed.

But, hey, good to see the refs back.

I'll tell you what.

Good to see the damn refs.

All right, well, we've got to do pranks.

Nunu's having a fit.

Did you see his trading card in the forums?

Yeah, yeah, Milkman, there's manhouse trading cards,

Magic the Gathering cards.

Oh, I blew it.

Yeah, Milkman, you've got one, I've got one.

I think Jin might have one.

Does Jin have one yet?

Lonesome's in there.

I don't have one.

What do you mean I have one?

What do I have?

You have a trading card.

I have a trading card.

Yeah, in Madhouse.

Someone, I forget who it is, is designing them.

You have to have it with his archery.

Yeah, it's an archery.

That's what it is.

It is an archery.

I don't do archery.

What is it with you fucking weirdos?

I've had everyone thinking you do archery all this time.

Yeah, it's because of you.

You keep saying fucking archery.

I don't do archery

You guys are fucking weird

I don't do archery

You just see me with a fucking bow and arrow or something

That's just stupid shit

I'm going to tell this person

Whoever you're calling

I don't do archery

Archery

There's a link for you right there on Skype there

Archery

Let me talk to these people

Hello

Who are you

Hello

Who

Yeah yeah

Who is this

It's Winnie

What do you mean it's Winning

Winnie

Winning

Winnie

Uh huh

Like Winnie the Pooh

Oh yeah

Yeah okay listen

How can I help you

Yeah, my friend is stupid.

He keeps telling me that I do archery or something, right?

And I don't do archery.

Can you like...

Yeah, are you...

What the hell is your problem?

Are you stupid?

Can you say it again?

Yeah, my friend is about as stupid as you.

And he keeps telling everybody I do archery.

I'm trying to explain to him that I don't do archery, but he won't listen.

I want you to tell him that I don't do archery.

Can you just say that?

Oh, I don't have an idea for you.

What do you mean you don't have ideas for me?

I'm not asking you for an idea.

I'm asking you to tell him that I don't do archery.

Archery?

Archery.

You know, the people with the bow and arrow.

You must be really thick.

Have you got an IQ under 10?

Oh, sorry, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Yeah, well, anybody with an IQ under 10

doesn't possibly understand what I'm saying

because you're thick as pig shit, right?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, thick as pig shit.

Listen to me.

What do you do over there?

Sir, do you have anything we can help you?

Yeah, yeah, what do you do?

you do what exactly what let me try it with an accent what are you doing over there

maybe you should let her say with the accent right there in the uh skype chat there's a link

to your uh trading card yeah it's probably got some fucking archery on it robin hood uh the the

no one knows what you look like you're like no no and i told you right i taught in the show last

last week everybody was like oh where's jim stewart where's his name come from and i said

from my two favorite athlete well no actually from from two very inspirational people to me

and i said one of them was chen jin who is a friend of mine and who is a really good athlete

and the other one was um james stewart who is a very famous uh american actor a classic actor

oh jimmy stewart yeah he's yeah i love that guy and um yeah yeah so you could you could have put

put a picture of him on there or or something and instead you've got some fucking archer what

are you like black and white movies for what's that about the only black and white movie i like

is dr strange love i don't know what's your problem did you see harvey have you seen harvey

nope no you should watch that was it black and white yeah nope nope didn't see it nope nope

i'm kidding uh he he is a good actor james stewart uh jimmy stewart he did the the christmas movie

Where it's like, your movie's in my pants

Your money's in my mattress

And it's in my pants

And it's in Martha's pants

What is that called again?

What's it called?

It's a Wonderful Life

It's a Wonderful Life.

It's a Wonderful Life, yeah.

God, I'm so smart.

I'm so fucking smart.

Look, here's the cards we got so far

that have been made by Scotland

are The Angry Asiatic,

Jerry Mansfield, Lonesome Loser,

Milkman, Nunu.

Nunu's Winston Churchill.

Mike Tucker's in there.

Nunu's Churchill.

And Jin Stewart.

who's this i think this is rbcp ken ken has a card can you have a card i didn't know you had

a card rbcp has a card zyklon has a card now too that's cool awesome zyklon's like the the nerd

that's awesome look at that hey carlito i was gonna tell you to check uh request a prank i

sent a number in the other day for this chinese restaurant got shut down because they were

apparently dragging a dead deer in a trash can through the middle of the restaurant with a blood

trail behind it and some guy mopping it as they went yeah nunu peeped me to that also he let me

know about that number the rest chinese restaurant got they got closed down because they it was a

roadkill fucking deer too like they didn't the guy didn't go out and shoot it like it was on the side

of the road dead right they fucking put it in the back of a car in a bin and brought it to the

chinese restaurant and willed it in in front of all the people like oh this is normal gross tried

tried claiming oh no no we don't serve it to the people here bullshit yeah right anyway so hey god

that's nasty roadkill did you hear from death fox yet no he hasn't said he hasn't sent me anything

no man oh no yeah death fox is asking me he said i got numbers milkman knows me can i call in on

skype and i said yeah call in on skype uh i don't have his name so i don't know i don't know what

I'm trying to call him.

I thought you had it.

No, and I haven't gotten any requests.

Oh, I have gotten a contact request.

Is that him?

I did get one.

I just noticed.

I'm sorry.

Maybe that's him.

I'll add this contact request if that's him.

Call in.

Death Foxx, that's you.

Yeah, call in.

Call him and see if he's there.

I tried getting all of them.

I don't know if it's on my end or if it's on his end.

Let me see.

This guy has numbers, you say.

Confirmation numbers.

He sent me a couple, but I didn't post my date to him to you.

That's why I didn't say anything on there.

We need to get a hold of Rick from Pawn Stars again this week

and see if we can get him on the horn.

I got to get Leo Laporte on the horn.

I really want to give him shit.

I got his cell phone.

We really need to give him shit.

Anyway, Ken, I got your number here.

I got some more from Lonesome Loser.

Let's do some more prank calls.

We got an hour left to show.

I'm getting one of those Jen Stewart headaches, you know.

I don't think so.

You wouldn't be thinking straight.

We'd be talking like the dead.

I think it's the eruption of the anal

fissure there from that call you did earlier, dude.

What's up with the dead?

Have you guys talked to the dead? Milkman,

have you talked to the dead lately?

He called me. Oh, he messaged me.

He was dating some chick.

And we tried calling him that week. We tried calling him last week.

Yeah.

He was dating some chick, going out with her.

And I bet I hadn't heard from him.

So I don't know if he got tied up, got some

mid-year, what happened.

Oh, he got tied up, alright. My man.

Boy, the dead, getting some.

Tie it up in some tied stick.

Yeah, I've heard.

Anyway, all right, let's see.

I know Paul.

I know my sister's in there.

Maybe she's with Chaz.

You can say her date's on the dead.

I don't know.

She talks to him every now and then, maybe.

Big fall.

Yeah.

Paul McFall.

Slow on the pranks tonight.

Death Fox is, no, that wasn't the, a new Death Fox.

Never mind.

Nothing from Death Fox.

Sorry.

I prefer Star Fox.

You got to call that furry place.

You don't want to answer, man.

I'm not sad.

Really would like to talk to that guy.

Hey, you've got the dead's Skype, see if he's answering.

I don't know if he's on there or not right now.

I haven't seen him for a little while.

I don't think he's on online.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

I can't see that now.

I can't log in.

All right.

The England numbers, the UK numbers are coming in.

That's good.

Got those coming in.

UK Godfather's coming in.

Here, watch out, ladies.

Yeah, I can't stay too much longer.

The King of Wankershire is on.

Wankershire?

Yeah.

Wankershire?

Isn't that where you live?

Yeah.

Yeah, Kingdom of Wankersauce.

Hey, UK Godfather.

And we lost him.

Good work.

Stupid.

Yeah, he can't message me.

He wants to come on.

Okay, good.

All right, here's a number from Request a Prank.

In Kuwait, Senior Chef Haverner,

tell him he has been extended due to him doing such a bad job.

What?

Tell him he has been extended.

Huh?

He got fired.

Therefore, he needs to try again.

He is just a weird, weird man.

Man, every conversation he has with anyone is just plain awkward.

I don't, whatever.

All right, Kuwait.

I'm guessing this is going to be, the guy works for Navy Customs in Kuwait.

I guess he's an American.

What's this guy's name?

Extended.

Oh, I guess so.

Extended means like his tour of duty has been extended or something like that.

Yeah, but then you have to call.

He's going to ask some sort of military question.

You're going to be like, oh, okay.

Tell him you're from the Whiskey Tango Delta Squadron.

And the call's failing anyway, Craig, because you sent in an extra digit with a stupid number.

Craig?

What the hell?

That's it.

You're fired.

You're out of here.

Ghost click him, Milkman.

Ghost click.

God damn it, Craig.

This is hog shit.

Hello, colleague.

Thicker than pig shit.

Yes, hi.

It's UK Godfather.

UK Godfather.

Hey, you're here.

Hello.

Just in time for us to end the show.

See you later, man.

Hey, you're out of your ass.

Out of your ass.

Yeah.

Jessica suits the first

What's this

Jessica suits

Call her up asking for sexual favors

Once she's very good at giving them

Oh sweet

This one comes from Acapulco

I love the names on these

Look at this guy sincerely

Sincerely

Bishop look at this

Bishop look at this guy sincerely

When you have a law

Against homosexuality

do you say except eating a poo poo i don't know when he fucks it up because he's like he puts his

hand through his hand and he's like they put their hand into the other man's hand and then the other

guy corrects him he's like oh into the anus all the way oh yeah the anus yeah yeah that's such a

great video man i hope in the next barack obama debate that's one of the questions the presidential

Angela Bates here.

Man, did Obama get his ass handed to him last night.

Holy shit.

Holy Christ.

Wow.

He just looked bad, bad, bad, bad.

Bad.

Jim Stewart, bad.

Bad.

Obama, bad.

What's happening to Obama?

I don't know, man.

He's turning less black, therefore less popular.

He did look kind of pale last night.

It must have been a lot of makeup.

Do you think he's bleaching?

He's getting a bit of lago.

We have reached the Sprint Boys mailbox of...

Shut up!

What the hell?

Who's making all that noise?

Milkman?

It's Milkman.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know.

You're just taking a big shit.

I'm all about taking shit.

What the fuck was that?

It was you.

Huh?

You farted on the phone, you nasty bastard.

You dirty little monkey.

I didn't fart, man.

Yeah, right.

You were trying to play a didgeridoo, Aussie style.

Oh, my God.

Did you really put the phone in your ass

And it sounded like a tuba

You got a problem man

You got some bowel problems

If you just put the phone to your ass

That's him farting

He just put the phone to his ass

That's dirty shit

There's over 50 people listening

You put the phone to your ass and farted

That's fucking dirty

It was like a low fucking

Low warm fart

I farted

but I cover the microphone

so that nobody hears it.

That's fucking disgusting

what you do.

No, no, no.

I did it in a bag

and then I opened it up

in my stag

and that's what it sounded like.

Yeah, right.

That's what it sounded like.

It sounded like

Prankmaster and his tugboat.

You should do it

down the phone to the Indians

and then they'll get really angry.

Sybil's Bakery.

Caribbean place in Queens.

In Queens.

They're going to be closed now.

Here we go again.

Shut up!

Is he fucking driving

750 dead on the freeway with his phone out the window or some shit?

Nickman, are you nuts?

What's wrong with you?

While playing a tuba.

He's playing a tuba driving 50 miles an hour.

I haven't heard sounds like that since J-Battle stole Milkman's fucking phone and he was chasing him down.

Yeah, man.

Give me that phone, man.

Yeah, man, this is J-Battle.

I took your phone.

I took your phone, motherfucker.

What's up?

It's my phone now, nigga.

What you gonna do, cracker?

Yeah, nigga.

It's my phone now, nigga.

This is what it is, nigga.

That's what he said, though.

All right.

Oh, yeah, there's a definite struggle for the phone right there.

You can hear it.

There's a big snake.

Shut up, Milkman.

There's a big snake coming out of Milkman's ass.

Hi, Dropdeck.

This is Kelly.

How may I help you?

Yeah, Big Kelly.

Joe is supposed to be on the phone with me.

Big Joe.

Joe.

What's your name?

Joe.

What?

I'm Cross.

I need to talk to Joe.

He's not working tonight.

You know who Joe is?

You know who I'm talking about?

Joe that works here?

Yes.

Yeah, he's not working tonight.

Is the doc there, Doc Pinkle?

No.

What are you doing there?

I'm working.

Who is it?

You got a nice little thing on you?

Yeah, it's hanging up.

It sounded very nice, though.

Wow, I have to admit.

She sounded kind of hot here for a second.

Yeah, I'm partial to voices like that.

Polaris sends in a number.

That's what that reminds me of.

We talked to the Turkish woman yet tonight.

We did a Turkish woman call.

By Zan.

Not yet, not yet.

Yeah, they're blocking.

They're screening the numbers.

and no jen last week on the show on madhouse you said you said yes send me the number so i

can prank her on sunday and i sent you the number on sunday and you're like

i'm british well it's the it's the it's the uh yeah i just had i had a day of rest so you know

yeah yeah jewish i don't think it was jewish are they jewish no they don't like jews i was

gonna say i thought it was something else but no i because i had such a fucking plan for sunday

everything was like yeah i'm gonna do this this is and i had my that's your mistake that's your

mistake don't plan just do yeah i had my evernote and all the notes for the show and i was ready and

i wanted to do this that and the other and then all the numbers sucked oh my god you use evernote

that's so awesome man i see where you get your numbers from where you sourcing from i i look

for them on google look for people who have had bad experiences with restaurants and you know

just places that are generally really bad yeah you might want to change strategy then that could

Your strategy is flawed.

All right, here's Turkish Kitchen.

And by the way, Turkey attacked Syria yesterday.

Didn't they do something?

Those motherfuckers.

Let me talk to Faizan.

See what she thinks about it.

Yes, hello.

Can I speak to Faizan?

Who are you speaking to, Faizan?

It's Ginny Stewart.

Just a second.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello, Faizan.

It's Mr. Stewart.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

Long time no see, man.

What's up, Faizan?

Yeah, long time.

Last time I...

I miss you.

I know, I miss you too

Last time I spoke to you, you told me to fuck off

But this time, I want to tell you

I was going to ask you your opinion

Because yesterday, you know, Syria attacked Turkey

What do you know about that?

And we'll attack you too

What?

We are going to attack you too

What do you mean you're going to suck me too?

I'm not even talking about that

Attack, attack, I didn't say attack

Oh, attack, I thought you said you wanted to suck it

You know, tell your mom

What mother? You are my mother

Your mother

My mother is your mother

No, it's okay.

My mother is...

If your mother is my mother,

she can do it for you.

It's free.

Yeah, yeah.

We can, all three of us,

we can do that.

But listen,

what happened there with Syria?

Was that your fault?

It's your fault, man.

No, it's your fault.

What did you do?

Why did you do it?

Because we hate people.

That's why.

But you are stupid.

Why did you tell them to attack you?

Because you're stupid, man.

No, no, you are stupid.

You're an idiot.

You won't call here.

What do you mean I don't call there?

Because you're crazy

Yeah, but I love you

Is that funny?

What?

Because you're crazy, that's why

No, I'm a Syrian, that's why

I'm from Syria

Oh, I hate Syrians, sorry man

And because the Turkish...

Hello, what?

Wrong choice of words, Jin

That was quick

I think you've just ruined all chances of her

Ramming you up the ass with a dodo

I'm pretty sure it was Syria

I know that there was a retribution for some mortar attacks

I think it was Syria

Syria is the heart of the Hezbollah and all that shit.

They're kind of like that one other terrorist group that's out there kind of less.

They're out there like Lebanon area, kind of north of Israel, right?

Yeah, right next to Israel.

Oh, that's what I thought.

Someone was trying to tell me, no, they're in Africa.

I'm like, we're not in fucking Africa.

No, no, no.

I don't know.

They're Middle Eastern neighbors.

Yeah, it's just south of Turkey and west of Iraq.

So, yeah, like next to Lebanon and Iraq and Jordan and all those.

I'm pretty sure.

It's all in that terrible part of the world.

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, here's what I do.

I like box wine, but when it gets low, it's hard to get out of the box.

So I take the bag out of the box and I drink out of the bag.

I thought you were supposed to take the bag out of the box.

right away. Have you ever seen

boxed wine, Jen? No, what is he

doing? Okay, so there's

they literally take a box and

have a bladder inside of it

with a little dispenser for the wine.

That's disgusting. And so now

what he's doing is taking the plastic

bottle and

he's going to pour it into his mouth.

Yeah, that's awesome. No, that's fucking

disgusting. Why is it disgusting?

Is that a form of tea bagging or what is that?

It's wine bagging. And why is it disgusting?

This is the best way to drink wine.

because the milkman

wine bagging that's it

the reason why

boxes of wine

the bagged wine is good

is because it doesn't spoil

because the air doesn't hit it

and it doesn't spoil as fast

is that why it's $11 for 16 liters

that too

and that's why I get it too

you can dispense it like Kool-Aid

right out of your refrigerator

I get a nice one

it's $25 for this box

you're getting that crazy fucker

brand oh you need some seven up now oh god god don't remind me of franzia boxed wine singles

no i don't get the i don't get the franzia should we talk i go brand i think it's called

crazy fuck always got that box line man what's that expensive uh logan davis

he was going to the dollar store buying md 440 or 420

yeah he went he went to the dollar store and came up with a dollar store of freaking cocktail

it was like you get this i didn't even know dollar store had alcoholic drinks i guess i didn't either

i don't know either yeah well yeah there you go this is how you do it man right here bag one i'm

drinking water so yeah cheers whatever water yeah jen's drinking his smug water with his smug uk-ness

oh thanks man smug you smug little bastard you all right let's call the uk speaking of which

it's just

excuse me

is there any way

to get this video

off of the video stream

this commercial

that always shows up

on here for a half hour

no but I'm thinking

about a certain

YouTube video

the live YouTube shit

oh yeah

yeah yeah

I hate this

this is bored man

yeah

I just refreshed

my page

and now I gotta go

re-click it again

and watch another

half hour commercial

with my bandwidth

no

30 seconds

half hour

you should get adblock

I'm not seeing any commercials

uh huh

there you go

milkman you stupid

You mean Adblock will work

over top of this commercial for years?

Yeah, yeah.

If you do it through Chrome, it works.

The person you called is on the phone.

I didn't know you could do that.

Alright, I'll put it in then. Thanks, Jen.

Get to it, man. Yeah, you get it through Gord.

Yeah, I got mine through Gord.

Oh, you got it Gord?

Okay, okay. You guys put me in the network.

Please Gord it to me, man. I'll be quicker.

Yeah, well, that's where I'll work with.

Alright, I got it. Thanks.

Hey, man, I don't need 10 copies, man.

And don't everybody send it once.

That's plenty.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Open mine up.

I sent the Jim Stewart trading card along with it.

I got Jim Stewart archery picks.

Ah, okay.

I wonder what the RAR was here.

I thought it was some porn or something.

Oh, look at that.

What?

Riding on a horseback.

Is this JF Shit?

Yes.

Oh, hi.

Yes, I was calling from the administration of water and wine machines.

I understand you're having a problem with your water today.

Have you flushed the toilet?

When was the last time you flushed the toilet?

Well, because I'm calling from water administration,

and there's a problem in the computer.

It shows that you have a water leak.

There's a leak in the system, and it's coming from your home.

This is 11 Heather Avenue?

Yeah, it's coming from your home.

The computer's showing there's a leak of water from your home.

Do you have any faucets on the outside of your home, maybe, that are open?

Maybe someone opened it up and, like, left?

No, anything inside?

All right, go ahead and flush, and I'll listen.

I'll listen here.

Let me hear you flush the loo.

oh yeah that's where the problem is it's coming up that's the source of the problem is your your

toilet your loo yeah yeah what was a lot before this flush was it about four or five hours ago

or more that you flushed it you know yeah there's a problem with it can you can you take the lid

off of the tank of the toilet please no well you have to look to see if there's any there's a

probably something in there right now it's leaking listen if you don't do this i'm going to shut

Shut your water off from the street, and I'm in the next 20 minutes.

Well, where are you?

Well, I'm on the computer, the main computer center,

but I can shut it off from here, and I'm entering in the code right now.

We have, we can, this is all computerized.

The thing is, my toilet is a built-in one.

I can't get into the system.

Okay, well, what about where the actual, the bowl is in there?

Do you see anything in there?

No, there's nothing in my toilet.

In the toilet, can you check to see if the water is warm or cold?

Hang on.

Did you stick your hand in there?

Yeah.

Were people pee and poop in there and you stuck your hand?

There's nothing in there.

I just washed the toilet.

Yeah, but people poo-poo and pee-pee in there and you put your hand in there?

Are you like an animal?

Who are you?

You're a dirty animal.

You put your hand in the toilet.

You're a prat.

You're a disgusting lady.

Go wash your hands.

Shut up.

Wash your filthy hands before you touch yourself down there.

She's washing her hands.

Oh, jeez.

You heard her washing her hands.

You're a prat

Shut your face

Unless she goes to wash her hands

I love it

That is actually brilliant

You got her to flush it

There were two people talking at the beginning of the call

And she heard that

You can even hear her dip the water

When you said is water hot or cold

You can either touch the water

You heard the plop

Someone in the chat said you should have asked her to taste the water

Yeah, does it taste salty?

Is it sour or sweet?

Does this taste salty?

Can I get a call?

Yeah.

One lump or two?

You can do a call.

G.H. Ship, okay?

In London.

Who's doing that?

This guy here.

Speak up, damn it.

UK Godfather.

Speak up, UK Godfather.

Oh, we can't hear you, man.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, fix your microphone.

And, Jin, you want to do this one?

No, no.

I want a UK Godfather to do it.

I'm not doing any more.

Put your big boy pants on and do the call, Godfather.

What the fuck?

Come on, Godfather.

Speak up.

There you go.

Do it.

Damn it.

Kind of sound like Richie over there.

G-H-Ship.

Hello?

Hello, G-H-Ship?

Hello?

G-H-Ship.

Hello?

I'm supposed to be UK Godfather.

I'm fucking amazing.

He's so stupid.

Guess who's not doing any more prank calls tonight?

UK Godfather.

That looks almost like my number.

Oh, you said that last week.

Can I speak to Mrs. Ship?

What is your problem?

You're like 10 minutes late, mate.

She hung up.

Oh, my God.

You're about as slow as Milton.

You're so slow.

You do risk calling my house with all these London numbers.

Hello?

Hello, Arthur Shipp.

I think you've got the wrong number.

No, this is Arthur Shipp.

Yeah, this is his...

He owns...

He runs an apartment.

Uh-huh.

Hang on, I'll get you his right number.

Well, he told me to give you a call.

You live here, right?

No, no, he's got the wrong...

He's got the wrong one.

He needs the floor underneath us.

Okay.

So why have you got a payphone there?

Why has he got what?

He's got a payphone.

You just picked up on a payphone.

Payphone?

Yeah, you're on a payphone right now.

We can't ring out.

You can only ring in here.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You've got a payphone.

I'm just wondering why.

Don't worry.

Yeah, no, you've got the wrong...

It's the people underneath us that need to be woken up.

Okay, go ahead.

Head, give us that number.

Hurry up.

Hang on, I'll just see what I can find it.

You're in the toilet?

It's the people underneath us that need to be woken up.

Rude bastard.

It's just quite extreme, isn't it?

Look, I think the easiest way, I'll go down and knock on their door.

That's probably the easiest way.

Yeah, okay.

All right, that sounds good.

Okay, man.

Thank you.

Bye.

Thanks, man.

What?

Knock on their door?

I hope they knock really fucking loud, too.

That would be fantastic.

What is he going to do?

Knock on their door?

Oh, yeah, someone called you.

Okay, bye.

What's he doing?

call back in two minutes be like did you bang on their fucking door for me or what

yeah did you kick the door in what is he knocking on the door for is that beeping

from the payphone is that how you knew that jen yeah yeah yeah at the beginning of the call

jen used to hack a payphone that's like rbcp did back in the day yeah did you get my request a

prank i don't know when did you send them like 10 hours ago about two hours oh they'll probably

be here in a few minutes let's see did i call would you send them on gort did you send them

on gort that's important thing you got a gort no ah you have to send it yeah they gotta send

if you want to become the speedy fish you gotta do it on gort otherwise it takes a little bit

longer gort is where is that wts gort you gotta download gort listen what numbers you said i

don't see any numbers from you much faster i don't see anything this is uk godfather here damn it

from tonight i find them again oh please hurry hurry okay all right yeah we'll ring that number

bag we'll see if he knocked on that door all right uh who was it calling it's on the thing

it's on the thing it's still on oh thank you you need to get their number too and if you do then

find out the people that gave you the name the number is their name and then tell them that

you're them calling good idea that's wicked smart man he's really clever isn't he he knows a lot

of things yeah hello hello hello yeah yeah who's that hello hello hello yeah who am i speaking to

hello who is this this is mr stewart what do you mean who the who the who who don't you from

downstairs did you come up there's somebody from upstairs yeah i came upstairs and why are you

calling yeah because i wanted to get you out of bed you lazy twat oh it's a crank call it's a

It's a prank call.

Stop it.

Stop it?

Stop it.

Fire right back to that number again.

Don't fucking harass him.

That's awesome.

I made him get out of bed, come upstairs,

and they're probably talking to him for the last five minutes.

Hello?

Hello, yeah, you've been out of bed, you lazy cunt.

Hello?

Wake it up.

He just called you horrible.

You're a horrible person.

Dude,

are you all saying in the back there?

You know, there's like five of us here,

and there's fucking ten of you over there.

Why don't we all get together and make a prank call?

Maybe we could all get together and have a wink.

Yeah, let's play Soggy Biscuit.

He's apologizing.

Dirty Aaron.

Yeah, no, I played Soggy Biscuit like an hour ago.

That's why I was late for the show.

Yeah, that's what we need to play with them.

Biscuit?

Soggy Biscuit, do you not know that?

Oh, God, I don't want to talk about that.

He's traumatized.

Don't let that lazy fucker leave.

Get him back on the horn.

Hello, Arthur.

Yeah.

Awful.

Did they hang up?

No, they're still there.

They're just chatting around, having tea

and crumpets.

Brushing their teeth with powdered sugar.

Oh, yes, lovely.

We got a prank call.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear heavens.

How absurd.

Winding me up.

I think they finally hung up.

Yeah, that was a prank call.

What the hell was that?

Sounds like an Atari game.

Busy.

How can a number be busy at 5.30 in the morning?

They kept it off the hook just now.

Oh, yeah, it's them again.

I thought you were ringing one of his numbers.

I was like, what the hell?

No, no, I'm not calling his numbers because he's stupid.

No, hang on.

It's UK Godfather.

These better be good.

These better not be emergency numbers.

UK Godfather.

Cell phones.

Or cell phones.

No, no, they're landlines.

Taxis, taxis.

Taxi.

All right, you do it.

I'm going to leave.

What happened to UK Ted?

Did he leave yet?

Hello?

Hello, yes.

Hello.

Can I book a cab?

Terrible, man.

The usual great job by UK Godfather.

What happened to UK?

Did UK Ted leave for the military yet or not?

UK Ted left for the military.

That was his plan, and he kept saying, I'm going.

He was like, I quit work to get ready for the military.

I'm going to be around for Madhouse all the time, and he never called in once.

breaking news in the chat

Nunu just got kicked

Nunu got kicked

by Stallion

Stallion kicked Nunu

there you go

what did he do he was flooding

yeah just repeating

you can't repeat Nunu no

no Nunu no

look I'm gonna put that on the computer

Stallion just made Nunu's bitch

Nunu doesn't like

Crystal Taxi

I'm worried about UK Ted

Ted, I don't think that's going to go good for him, man.

It's UK Ted and UK Godfather.

Do you two know each other or something?

I chat to him quite regularly.

Oh, right.

I don't know him that well.

The fuck is it there's a little UK network and I'm not part of it?

You are, kind of.

Are you guys all neighbors?

Isn't it like 30 miles from one side of the country?

Now, where are you again?

Where are you, Godfather?

Bristol.

Yeah, you're in Bristol.

Right, yeah.

I'm in London, so I'm quite far away.

Yeah, and then what's his face?

UK Ted's in the gay town, right?

Right, where all the gay beach...

He's now in Sandhurst.

Ah.

What's that, a military town?

Something?

Base?

Yeah, Gamerson Town.

Oh, boy.

All right, here's the other number.

You put the Washington Hotel.

Mm-hmm.

Are you doing this?

Yeah, I'm as well.

Okay.

Don't fuck it up, or I'm going to take over.

I'm calling about a 23-second phone call before he's hung up on me.

Hey, Sixton Midnight Lounge is here.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

I like that guy.

He's a cool guy.

Did I call...

Oh, duh.

Oh, I forgot to hit add.

There we go.

Put the number in the machine.

Whoops.

Put the lotion on the skin.

Oh.

Put the mullet out the door.

Where are you holding that wrapper?

No, man.

It's my wine.

Hotel.

Hello, hotel.

Hotel.

Hello.

Hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Hear me?

Yeah, can I book a room, please?

Um, yeah, sure.

I thought it was just like a prank call or something like that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is very serious.

I have to book a room for tomorrow.

Can you hear me?

Um, what's your name, please?

Just give me a second, please.

Thank you.

Okay, so that's for the 6th of October, right?

Uh, yeah, tomorrow.

Uh, what time can I book in from?

Um, well, you mean what time you can check in, right?

Yeah.

Um, any time after 2 o'clock.

Or any time after 3 p.m.

And, uh, do you offer a personal service?

Do I offer what?

Like, uh, monsieur?

What?

Monsieur.

Who is it?

No, no, no, no.

Do you offer, like, entertainment?

No, we don't offer any room entertainment.

the same as okay so you don't have like we don't actually okay plumbing all good in there so what

plumbing um listen if it does a prank call it's just like the wrong number okay no no it's not

okay no it's not it's not okay i want you to come on up to the room and shake your titties

get your willy out mate get your willy out mate we got a lot of uk people in the chat i just

just realized we got uh jins here right uk godfather jill nunu well it's incredible because

at this time of the you know at this time of the month something wrong with you people yeah

scotland i guess isn't scotland that's my guess saint by scotland i mean scotland

Scootland

Oh he's awesome

He's an Aussie

Was what?

The latest episodes

Oh yeah

I'm way behind

You guys can help out

Edit a show for me

That would be great

Send it to me on Gort

Alright you got it

I'll Gort it to you thanks

Thanks. Good idea.

All right. Thanks. Appreciate that.

Very nice.

You have that already now. Look.

I'll have it edited up, and then I'll send it to

Milkman for

approval, administration

for approval machines.

There you go.

Nunu reminding us that Lonesome found UK people with the last name

Ship, because if you say Ship fast,

it kind of sounds like shit. Therefore, when you

phone them, you can say, Hello, Mr.

Shit. That's right. I already did that. Good point.

Thank you, Nunu.

Mr. Shit.

I think Nunu's name is Mr. Shit.

That's probably what it is.

We got T-Ship.

Danny.

That's his name, Danny.

Dan.

T-Ship on Hermitage Road in England.

Woo!

I'll take it.

There's only one Hermitage Road.

T-Shit.

That's Nunu's real name, Danny.

T-Shit.

T-Shit?

T as in just like T as in the letter?

T as in Mr. T.

Mr. T.

T as in apple.

Got it.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Mr. Shit?

Yes.

Yes, hello, this is Mr. Westwood.

How are you doing this morning, Mom?

Who is it?

Mr. Westwood.

Who's that?

That's me.

I'm calling from the UK Water Administration Machines.

Oh, hello?

Hello.

Hello, is there something wrong with your line?

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay.

Yes, hello, is this Mr. Shit?

Yeah.

Hello, this is Brent Westwood calling from the UK Water Administration Machines.

Yes, so we seem to be having a problem with the water in your area.

Excuse me, don't hang up.

Bye.

I'm going to shut your water off.

Bye.

I'm going to shut your water off.

You're a shit bitch.

Hello, bye.

They have some problems with your water

I guarantee you that

You having a wank

Why doesn't Mr. Shit bend over Mrs. Shit

And you guys can have a shit

You can mix your poo together

Now all you need to do is have that boob there

You need to get the bag and now you need the boob

Then you can be in business

Put the person in charge on

You know what I'd go for

I'd buy the plane

You know what I'd go for is a good titty fucker

Yeah I am

Good point thank you

I could use a good titty fucking, you know, nice big-breasted girls.

Oh, man, Carlito, you're going to get me off, mate.

We're going to get you off, okay?

Yeah, I'm going to have to bash one out in a minute.

I'm just saying.

I just had that thought.

Call the payphone.

I am, damn you.

Thank you, damn you.

It's okay.

I'm waiting for it.

What are you doing with the bag, Carlito?

What's that noise?

Is that somebody with a vibrator?

Listen, listen, listen.

There's a Jack Matheson call now.

Perfect.

Oh, it's gone now.

What happened?

What was that?

It was one of the last number we called that was sitting there.

Take a big hit off the bag.

I'm shaking the wine bag.

It sounded like there was somebody with a helicopter or something.

Yeah, I know.

Helicopter.

They're definitely not picking.

Nah, they're done.

They're done.

Done deal.

Oh, well.

Let's see.

I'm Mary Juana.

I went to watch Taken 2 yesterday.

You watched what?

Taken 2.

how was that movie

I thought it was shit in comparison to the first one

to be honest with you

I loved to see Liam Neeson kicking ass

but I didn't think it was half as good as the first one

so did they kidnap the daughter again

what happens exactly

well actually the mother and him gets kidnapped

and then the daughter is the one that ends up

saving the day

pretty much with a little help from

Liam Neeson who simply has this little

spy phone in his sock

I don't know

fucking bullshit well i didn't like it did you get to see her tits yeah a little bit actually

i thought it was really good yeah liam in that regard yeah liam neeson's cock ever heard the

jokes about liam neeson's cock no tell us there's a podcast by kevin smith called uh hollywood

babylon it's a movie kind of uh movie industry podcast and every episode they make jokes about

liam lees liam neeson's cock because liam neeson is i guess known in hollywood for having a huge

huge enormous penis really and you look at him you know he's got a big cock right you look at

that guy come on man he's a badass that doesn't mean that doesn't mean anything okay well it means

something to me okay i want him to have a big cock maybe printing off he's printing out the

cock right now

big dot matrix cock you know fucking uh yeah

airfax it to us i'm out of shits i got king and king in manchester manchester home of the angries

manchester united angry angry people in manchester they get mad over there

wanking wanking and king oh wanking i got it very good very good good point hey so what is it like

have you ever been to a soccer game or what do you call a football game jen no i'm not into that

shit you're not i heard that they make bricks footballers i heard they make bricks out of uh

newspapers and they hit each other in the head is that true yeah yeah they probably do this stupid

football hooligans yeah that's so funny football is crap yeah you can get ready for that and king

all right who's doing it oh this fucking hey scotland listen this is a shout out to scotland

fuck you you cunt yeah you cunt he's like gins into archery

I love it.

That was awesome.

I love these guys.

I love these listeners of ours.

Jin's into archery.

It's true, Jin.

Come on, man.

Oh, fuck off.

You're trying to deflect now because you sucked at archery in the Olympics.

That's why.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I flunked it.

Because you fucking just about hit the other fucking guys.

Come on, man.

No, you got to go on.

Don't be embarrassed, man.

We supported you.

you know jim they used to have uh they used oh that was you was it that streaker with the

fucking big sign saying jim we love you i didn't go i was watching on nbcolympics.com man i was

watching and i was like oh man jim stewart sucks they had you had your real name yeah justin uh

kevinson it said and it said shittiest archer ever no he takes a shit with the footballers

He took a shit on the archery thing

The archery thing and he shot it

I still walked away with a bronze medal

No you didn't

Those Koreans are some badass archers

Why can't you shoot archery like those Koreans do?

What's wrong?

I don't know, my coach is Korean

So he doesn't like me being like the Koreans

So he trained me like an English person

Yo, why do you suck so bad?

Yo, B, why do you fucking suck so bad?

Yo, you suck, yo

you know jen they used to have this this uh uh thing kind of like archery in the u.s it was

called lawn darts i don't give a fuck about archery okay i read the chat now jen oh my goodness

oh right there that's going at the beginning of the fucking show right there

jen scratches his ass with the arrows so they can stick better

that's why you suck so bad

no go on carry on with what you were saying

cause it's really interesting

oh no they had the lawn darts

and the Americans are so fucking stupid

they'd throw this big weighted dart up in the air

and it'd come down and hit him on top

so they had an outlaw that's game

yeah

those are great they penetrate your skull

yeah

in physical education my freshman year in high school

we were doing archery

and the coach

some of us really like the archery shit

and he will let us stay after

he was like alright we're going to do some cool stuff

and he put the archery targets

upside like flat

and he said alright you got to shoot up

and like you got to shoot up

and land it on the ground

you know straight up and come down

on the arch or whatever

and I did it and I shot it like I'm so stupid

I shot it straight up like straight

fucking up in the air

oh shit come right down over here

people were like oh like we all started running

left and scattered

scattered oh man that was epic i remember that coach is like all right carly the coach is like

carly you're never doing archery again he's like oh man come on man give me a chance i like it

i was good i was good at archery but i kept like i kept shooting i kept like uh streaking the arrow

through like between my thumb and my forefinger like it kept going through there all the time

i had that i can't make that mistake i will put my hand way too up so when the arrow would leave

it would like skim like my skin between my oh yeah you gotta wear that brace man you gotta

wear that little like it's like a little string guard man oh my god that shit hurts so bad man

hey i can't remember ones for your fingertips too a lot now we got the ones with little hold

compound does they got a little string holder a little nox clip it on there and you pull that

a little foot back in the mouth.

Yeah, Jim, don't you have one of those, Jim?

I don't know anything about darts.

Fuck you.

He's got one of those

compound crossbow motherfuckers.

Yeah, man.

I'm going to come and shoot you with a fucking crossbow

with the archery bullshit.

We're not too worried about it. You suck so bad at it.

You suck so bad at it, you won't hit us.

The outfit, man, either hell

or English darts.

You got for sale a table with two chairs.

Anybody want that? Table with two chairs?

There's bar-style rustic cart iron with primitive stars.

Primitive stars.

Why don't you accuse him of doing archery?

I will.

I'll see if he knows how to do anal tongue darts.

Get a fucking table dance out of the wife on this one.

Accusing him of doing archery.

This is awesome.

Jen, that's going to be...

Where's the set?

I don't know.

Redneck Town somewhere.

Somewhere in the United States?

Yeah.

Indytown, USA.

Whatever the 423 area code is.

Oh, fuck.

They're probably asleep.

423, isn't that Washington?

No.

Tennessee.

I was guessing.

Your call has been called to an automatic voice message system.

4-2.

425 is Washington, right?

425?

No.

425 is Washington.

2-1-2.

Is that 2-1-2?

Or 2-1-3?

No, you're...

3-1-2?

425, because I used to have a number that was a calling number for Sunday lunch.

425 area code.

425 is...

Yeah, it's Washington.

425 is Washington.

Because I was right.

See, I'm a genius.

Yeah, but I'm sure there's another one for Washington, D.C. that starts with a 2.

Oh, he's talking about Washington State.

Oh, fuck that place.

It's near Seattle.

Yeah, fuck that.

Anyway, it was there.

Yeah, you had a 45 number, I think.

Oh, you thought I was talking about the president's house.

Yeah, D.C.

You said Washington, D.C.

I thought you said D.C.

I didn't say D.C.

Yeah, you did, asshole.

No, I didn't.

I would have said D.C.

You should have.

Yeah, Washington is 360-509-206.

Yeah, 360-709-206.

Aren't you going to go practice archery,

Jen?

Justin? Your real name is Justin.

I have...

Ronald has a warm morning gas heater

for sale.

Where are these cards at? I cannot find these cards here

in the forum.

In the forums, pendejo.

Where at? I'm in the forum. General category or what?

Sorry, can somebody tell me who did these stupid cards?

Uh...

I'm in general discussion for that.

In, um, Magic the Gathering

Madhouse of Militia cards?

Oh, if he's listening, fuck you and do a new card for me

because I don't want to be an archer.

Scotland did it.

Robin Hood.

What the fuck is that about?

Hey, what's up, sir?

You got the heater for sale?

I'm sorry, I do what?

You got the heater for sale?

Hey.

I'm not hardly understanding you.

What did you say?

Can you hear me okay now, sir?

Yeah, it's one o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

You got the heater for sale?

Yeah.

Yeah, does it work?

How many BTUs is it?

I didn't even look.

It's in a storage locker.

Well, how are you going to put something up for sale

you don't even know what it looks like well i bought a storage locker they was in there that's

oh you're just selling stuff out of the storage locker like a yeah storage wars or something no

no it was uh-huh you ever seen those shows with the storage people yep the moccasins i don't believe

no that ain't real those guys are fucking assholes well i'll talk to you later no i don't want to

talk to you you're a shit you're a shit i don't want to talk to you anymore you're trying to sell

me a shitty heater that doesn't even work well let me tell you something it's one o'clock in

in the morning and I was in the sleep. Why don't you go

get some other better time than this to call

somebody in the first place? Well, because I

wanted to buy a heater, but I come to find out you don't even

know if it works. You're trying to sell it to me.

I'm not.

Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr.

Nobody fucking understands you.

Fuck you, that's why.

Which accent was that?

He was like, uh, Tennessee.

That's a tuck accent.

I just spoke to the video

of Jim Stewart's new show on CW

there. Fucking cowboy.

blah blah blah this is the other number that's listed yep major uh six midnight

i'm not hearing anything no oh yeah is this ronald mosier hello ronald hello ronald ronald

ronald hey buddy you got a heater for sale there you're breaking up i can't really hear you you

have a heater for sale there buddy you're the one who called a while ago aren't you no i'm someone

else i'm puerto rican well i don't know what kind of did or not i don't want to do that it's one

o'clock in the morning where are you going off on his own show shut up you people shut up ronald

are you listening to me we can't hear him will you shut up i'm doing a call you suck at archery

jen stewart huh ronald are you there well what would you do that guys why seriously

so what well they gotta hear you i can't do a prank call on the side you gotta be in

Because we want to hear it on the show.

They can hear it.

Of course they can hear it.

You can't hear it.

Everyone else can't hear it.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

You guys are so selfish.

I swear to God, you're so selfish.

I sacrifice so much.

You're fine.

I'll call it on Skype.

Here we go.

He wants to talk about the food that he likes to eat and the drinks he likes to drink.

And the archery he does.

You guys are going to complain.

You didn't hear him.

He's like, hey, you got to call me before.

Don't call anymore.

If you call anymore.

Why won't he swear at me?

He's Christian.

I am, son.

Don't call back now.

All right.

We got a three-bedroom house with basement for sale in Church Hill,

Mount Carmel area.

Not in the city.

Sits on an acre lot.

Well, that sounds like a nice property.

Hardwood laminate floors throughout the house,

except master bedroom has real hardwood floors.

Shut up about the floor, asshole.

God damn.

Is there any semen on the floor?

Trying to read this.

It's floor floor.

The floor.

Love stains all over the place.

Did I tell you about the floor?

Are there any arches in there?

Had a large utility room.

You got a nice card there.

It's a shit card.

Oh, man.

It's not for rent.

It's for sale.

It's got a house for sale.

Three-bedroom house for sale with beautiful floors.

Wow.

He has a whole paragraph.

The fucking floors.

Did I tell you about the floors?

All right.

Here we go.

Floors.

The house of the floors.

You taking this, floor fucker?

Sure, man.

Jen, you buy a house.

Buy a house.

Go on.

They don't own houses in New Jersey.

What do you want me to buy a house for?

I want to buy an arrow.

Go shoot an arrow in your ass.

I'll shoot an arrow in your ass.

Nope.

I could be right in front of you.

You'd miss.

Yeah, I probably would.

I've never done archery in my life.

Yeah.

No, you haven't.

Leave a message after the tone.

Shit.

I'm going to get a nice message.

Yeah.

All right.

So what this is, this site, I got it bookmarked.

It's a radio station in a small town in Tennessee.

and people basically they have a radio show once a week where people call in or post on the website

stuff they have for sale like hey i'm selling a barbecue all right well hey i'm selling an

archery kit there you go i'm selling an arrow that jim stewart missed with so then they uh

so on the website they the people they post all their information they pull out the name the date

email address the whole email address phone number and what's for sale so i just i you know

when things get slow on the show i start calling them let's see lonesome's got some more numbers

here we go we got some hotels anybody want to talk to some hotels anybody fuck yeah give me a

hotel all right they got the arto hotel coming up in scootland scootland way up there in the

scotland yes i want to love want to wear freedom i love you madame i always have i always well

well it's bullshit you're not gonna pick up reception how can i help you uh yeah hey can

you speak up there i can barely hear you hi there hotel reception how can i help you uh yeah i was

wondering uh you guys got any rooms available tomorrow tomorrow let me just check for you

Okay.

There's nothing left, I'm afraid, sorry.

Nothing? Do you think we could maybe call one of the people there?

Maybe I could bunk with them or something like that?

No, I don't think that's going to be possible, I'm afraid. Sorry.

No, okay. Do you guys have a bar there?

For hotel residents only.

Oh, is it inside? Oh, so I can't just come in and have a drink or something?

Maybe make friends with somebody there?

Maybe try and sleep with one of the women that are staying at your hotel?

No, thank you very much. Bye now.

No, thank you.

All right, here's the Saudi and Arabian embassy in Vienna, Austria.

I think Jim would have got in with the guy if he all started to spoon with him or something.

He likes to get down.

Oh, you're a cunt.

He likes archery.

It's not going to stop being funny.

All right, let's make it funny, right?

Ring one of the...

Hello?

Oh, they're speaking German.

Do you know German, Jin?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's such a dirty language.

There's smelly people, too.

I was going to say, you can call a hotel,

and then I'll mess with them at the archery.

Jin's grandfather shooting...

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yeah, we were shooting arrows at Jews.

That's what my friend just said.

I'm from the British archery team.

Do you speak English?

Yes.

Yeah, who are you?

Please.

Please what? Huh?

The signal is not so good, I think.

Yeah, no, I think your signal is in your brain.

Not so good.

Listen, I'm with the British archery team.

We want to come in there and we want to shoot some arrows.

Okay.

Yeah, can we do that?

We can stand you up somewhere and we can put a little target on you

and just fucking fire an arrow at you.

Excuse me, what do you need exactly?

I need you to start,

I basically need you to put an apple on top of your head, right?

And then I'm going to stand you against the wall,

and I'm going to stand about 10 meters away,

and I'm going to fire an arrow at the apple,

and then split the apple in half.

Can I do that?

You're thinking about it.

You're thinking you're envisioning yourself with an apple on your head, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're thinking about it.

Exactly.

You see yourself with the apple,

and then you see me with this big

fuck

I was waiting for you

to accuse him of being a Jew or something

to get him all fired up

because Carlito was like the first thing he heard

was something about Jews and Arabs

I heard German

and it said your grandfather back in the day

was shooting Arabs and Jews

I looked over at the video

and you could see fucking Carlito

did you press 2?

I could have done it in German

yeah we want to hear a German prank

yeah yeah on the stream yeah let me do this hello this is hotel please hold the line to

process your call ask them ask them if we can go in there with the archery team we want to go in

there and set up an archery thing and then just like practice before we go to the okay please

wait a moment let me handle this watch this yes hi i'm from the israeli archery team i would like

to come in and have a room for the archery team for israel we're gonna come in

No, I don't like it.

It sounded wasted.

We're calling Iran, by the way.

Just to let you know, we're calling Iran.

Yeah, isn't this the home hotel?

Yeah, we're calling the Republican Guard right now.

The Jews are going.

They had a really bad day in Iran yesterday.

Their currency fell 30% this week.

Yeah, but they have nuclear weapons.

That's a problem.

That's it.

It is a problem.

Just let Israel loose on them.

Just let them fucking...

Are they all stoned or something?

Why do they not...

A chewing cat.

Yeah, cut.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's too, too long.

I'll call him back.

I hope we do get a word with Iran.

It would be awesome to call him.

It would be awesome to call him while we attack.

We're at war with them.

Hold the line.

Calling the operator.

Please wait a moment.

Hello, hello.

Yeah, you stupid.

I was trying to call and you put me on hold forever, asshole.

Hold the line for me.

No, no, no, no hold.

Damn it.

I don't know.

What do we do?

Let's call them Jews.

Accusing them of being Jews and archers.

Yes, hello.

I am Israeli and I'm with the archery team.

You are?

I'm an archer from Israel, and I'm coming to stay in the hotel.

Where are you from?

From Israel.

What would you like to have?

I would like to have two Iranian women in my room.

I'm sorry, your voice is weak. Could you please, yes.

Yes, I want two Iranian women in my room for me to have relations with, okay?

What? You want two women?

Uh-huh, from Iran, two virgins.

Are there any left in Iran?

Are they all here?

Your accent is not good.

Could you speak okay?

Better.

My accent...

Your accent is not good.

My accent is perfect, okay, asshole?

Listen.

Yes, it is, stupid shit.

Oh, man.

I think that may be a gay archer with his fucking limp bow and limp arrows and shit over there.

Hey, do you have another hotel?

I want to try one.

In Iran or...

Anywhere.

Anywhere, yeah.

Yeah, I got one here in England, Manchester,

Saatchi's Hotel, you know?

Yeah, let's do it.

Saatchi's Hotel.

Saatchi's Hotel, fantastic, let's do it.

Saatchi, Saatchi time.

Sounds like a place to do coke off a hooker's tits.

We're in the bathroom off the toilet seat,

so I'll get down.

I'm going to blow off her ass.

Saatchi's Hotel, please, anything I can help you?

Yes, hello, how are you?

Fine.

This is Mr. Stewart,

I'm calling from the British archery team.

I'm a member of the archery team,

I recently won a gold medal in the Olympics.

Did you see that?

Yes.

Excellent.

Yeah, I want to get a room there.

I want to get several rooms, actually.

Is it possible?

You want to book a room?

Yeah, not just one.

I think I need about five.

Can I do that?

Actually, you know, I give you a second graduation number.

We know a lot of booking here.

But wait a second.

What I want to do, actually, I want to knock all the walls down between.

I need all the five rooms next to each other.

Can I do that?

Just ask in second graduation.

You know, we don't have too much room left here tonight.

What are you doing there? What's your job?

My job is night porter.

Oh, night porter.

Okay, can I, maybe you can help me then.

What I'd like to do, perhaps, I'd like to, in the night, I'd like to...

I'm not, I'm not, I'm sure, I checked in yesterday, availability.

We have a 40 room.

You have 40 rooms?

Yeah, but I'm not sure...

Perfect.

I'm not sure you next door...

I only need five, then you have 35.

Yeah, 35, yeah.

But you have to book in central reservation, then they book for you.

Yeah, don't worry about the booking.

I'm more interested in what I can do with those rooms.

And I want to knock the walls down between the rooms

so that we have enough length for me to shoot indoors with the arrows.

So I need some practice, you know?

Yeah, I know.

You know?

You want the next door to your rooms, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, next door, exactly.

And I want to put the walls down.

So you understand?

I want to knock down the walls.

Can you check in?

What?

If you book in room, so which time you check in?

I don't understand, but yeah, I want to knock the walls down.

What are you saying, man?

What do you, what do you, eh?

No, no.

So you want to book in room tonight, yes?

Yeah, no, not, yeah, not tonight.

I want to come in there, and I want to use the hotel for archery practice.

Okay, archery practice.

Yeah, archery practice.

And I'm going to stand you against one of the walls, okay?

And we're going to put a big banana on your head, and we're going to try and shoot it.

What about a cherry? Can I put a cherry on your head?

No way.

I could do it. I'm that good. I could do it. I could shoot a cherry from five rooms away.

Really?

Yeah, I could do it. I could do it. If you put it between your legs, I could shoot it between your legs.

No, you put it between legs of my friend.

Do you have big gahones? I could shoot right through them.

No, I don't want like this thing.

No? Okay.

So tell me, can I get the room?

And can I put the wall down?

I've got a big hammer.

I've got, you know, a sledgehammer?

You have to call in centralization.

Yeah, but don't worry.

I think you can help me.

Don't worry about the central.

You are the man.

You are the night porter.

That means you have the biggest go-ahead in the building.

Which day do you want the room?

Tell me which day.

Which day?

Now.

Immediately.

Not now.

What do you mean not now?

Yes, immediately now.

Now, I said to you, now.

No, we don't have a room tonight.

But you said you had 40 rooms.

Why did you lie to me then?

Are you a liar?

Last night is for you.

But you lied to me.

You said you had 40.

I know what you're saying.

I know who is speaking.

Why did you lie then?

I'm going to come in there with my arrow.

And I'm going to shoot you with the arrow because you lied.

Okay, you call in after.

You want to talk with my boss?

I'll shoot you in the ear.

Do you understand?

I know who is speaking to me now.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Stewart.

How many?

I say, what's your name, sir?

My name is Mr. Stewart.

Stewart.

So, sorry.

No, Mr. Mr. Stewart, you idiot.

I'm going to come in there, right?

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

And we're going to stand you...

All right, that sucked.

He wasn't too happy about that.

Here's a request to pray for a 6-2 midnight lounge machine.

It's a Turkish restaurant somewhere else in the United States of America.

Oh, let me take it.

Okay, call him High One.

High One, High One.

High One, I got it.

No, it's Animal.

That also means Archer.

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

God, have you ever looked at pictures of Turkish food?

It looks like somebody's shit on a plate.

No, I can't say I've ever had Turkish food or been inclined to have Turkish food.

I don't think they'd be known for their food.

Uh, maybe they're Turkey.

I don't know.

That's a pretty hot woman, though.

Yeah, that are dirty.

God damn, she's hot.

They have dirty fucking mouths.

Come here, I fuck you.

I'd fuck her mouth.

I'd make her kneel in front of me.

I'd fuck her mouth.

and all the fuck

the shit out of her mouth.

I bet she'd dig it.

She's a filthy little bitch.

She'd be like,

what?

Post her picture again.

Who's got a picture?

Somebody's got a picture.

Post it again.

Oakland wants to jerk off

to the picture.

I bet she'd be into

that real shit, man.

She'd be like,

yeah.

How about a Ken Kniff call?

That'd be cool.

You know,

we've got to wrap things up here.

It's getting late.

I'm doing a little extra time

because I started

about 30 minutes late.

That's why I'm still

on right now.

Here we go.

We've got a lot of hotels,

though, right?

So we've got

Portland Thistle Hotel.

Tell who wants this.

Call it.

I got it.

All right.

Portland Thistle.

Is it in Portland?

No, it's in Manchester.

It's in archery land.

Oh, in UK?

Where they all love archery and football?

They don't love archery here.

That's bollocks.

Horseshoes.

They like Bill Ball.

Bill.

Good morning.

Thank you for calling the Portland by Thistle.

Lazarus speaking.

Yes, hello.

What was your name?

Lazarus.

Lazarus, good morning.

This is Mr. Westwood.

How are you?

I'm all right, Mr. Westwood.

How are you doing?

I'm doing fine, sir.

How could I help?

Oh, yes.

What I'm looking for is a room.

Could you describe me some of your rooms?

Right.

Several different kinds?

What type of room are you looking for, sir?

Well, the particular type of room I'm looking for is one that I could bring a woman to

and possibly have intercourse with her.

So nothing too expensive, but also nice, you know.

Right.

For when, sir?

All right, or when do you have available?

Tomorrow or the next day?

Do you have one tonight?

Yeah, tonight we do have rooms available.

A double room would cost you, let me have a look,

I think the best for our rooms, if you want a description,

$95 for a double room would be the cost.

Okay, that seems reasonable.

Yeah, okay.

Now, do you guys have a bar there in the hotel?

Yeah, there's a bar that opens at 11 o'clock in the morning.

and check-in time, if you were to book in to stay today,

check-in time is 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

That's fine.

Do you guys have...

For our facilities, we've got, obviously, if you're booking a double room,

there's a double-sized bed with a TV, a cabinet with a tea and coffee-making facilities,

bathroom with shower or the bath.

Here's what...

Here's the thing is that what I'm looking for...

What I'm looking for is most likely a prostitute.

Do you guys have listings of prostitutes there?

I'm probably going to tie her up to the bed and maybe whip her a little bit.

Right.

I'm afraid we don't so much provide that kind of service.

It's up to you what you want.

So you guys don't have a listing of prostitutes there for the hotel?

No, we don't do that service, I'm afraid.

Okay, okay. Do you know anybody? I mean, you got a cousin or anything like that that's a prostitute? Maybe your sister?

No, thank you very much. We don't do such, sir.

Okay, all right. How about you?

Lazarus, come forth.

Maybe I can get you in front of me. Maybe I can tie you up.

Lazarus, come forth.

You want to come front of me?

Sorry?

You want to come front of me?

No, that won't happen, sir.

But there's three of us here. We'd like to tie you up in one of your hotel rooms.

Yeah, you have three holes, right?

If you'd like to request a brochure, please leave a request available right now to be emailed or requested. Reservations at Thistle.

His name's Lazarus. That's awesome.

He's not gonna pick it up again. He's a night boy, isn't he?

Yeah, that's such a good name.

You should've told him, Aaron, that technically when you were having intercourse, you were one person, so the double room...

Yeah, that was funny.

Stupid YouTube.

Were you watching YouTube in the middle of my prank call, fucker?

Yeah, it was awesome.

better than archery what the fuck what's wrong with this movie why doesn't jesus say lazarus

come forth that's what the bible says that he jesus got mad and they were like hey jesus lazarus

died he's like so what it's like lazarus man he's dead and they're like whatever he's like fine what

is the last time i'm doing this shit and he's like lazarus come forth and lazarus came out

of the of the tomb closet he came out of the closet he shut uh he came out of the closet

With an archery thing.

He came out of the closet

with King Solomon with a fucking

archery bow.

Out of the cave, from the back of the cave.

That's where the Cupid thing

comes from.

Is it? No, it's not.

Lazarus? No.

He came out of the closet with an arrow

and shot him. He shot his girlfriend?

Yeah, yeah, and then she

became pregnant with a donkey.

Ooh, nice.

His girlfriend, and then

Then Jesus wept.

Jesus wept.

I think the angry Asiatics

was fucking arguing with you a little bit about that.

Oh, man. Angry Asiatics.

They'd be like, fuck an archer.

They'd tell you all about archery, how archery is the fucking bullshit.

Yeah, it's a black man's sport.

The black man invented archery.

I absolutely agree with you.

The black man invented archery.

I didn't get it.

The black man invented archery.

If they ever did get into the archery

They'd take over

Because they have the extra leg muscle

They invented spears

Yeah, they're spear chuckers

Yo, what's up?

Is this the place?

Sorry?

Is this the place?

This is the place

Yo, I'm up in the place

What's up, yo?

Yo, I'm here

I'm here

Okay

I'm here, yo

Where are you?

I'm here in the place

Yeah, I'm up in the place

What's up?

You're up in the place

Yeah, man

Okay

Okay.

What's up?

What are you doing?

One moment.

Come bring me some cheese.

Hello?

Hello, yo, what's up?

I'm up in the place.

It's Eddie Garcia.

Sorry?

I'm up in this place.

I'm up in this piece.

You're the police?

No, what's up?

I'm up in the place.

You what?

Sorry, I can't understand you.

I'm up in the place.

Eddie Garcia's up in the place, yo.

I don't understand what you're saying, mate.

Are you the place?

The place?

No, we're not the police.

No, the place.

The place hotel?

Yeah, we are.

Yo, I'm up in the place.

Your brother's in here.

No, me, yo.

I'm up in the place, yo.

You're up in the place?

Yeah, man.

I'm up in the place.

So, what do you want, sir?

Because I'm excited.

I was in the place.

Right.

Okay.

How can I help you?

I just want you to know Eddie Garcia's up in the place, yo.

All right.

No problem.

I'm going to be eating shrimp cocktail in the pool.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fine, man.

No worries.

All right, man.

All right.

See you later.

Peace.

Bye.

Hey, man.

This is Eddie.

you know you know if you went a little bit deeper with that voice with that accent you would sound

a little bit like biggie smalls yeah that's what i was going for i was i was thinking about

rapping a little bit there but as jesus peeps i was thinking about it do you know any of the

lyrics off by heart i know a lot of biggie smalls lyrics yes i see you could sound like biggie man

you could you could pull it off if i did you know this big young back from the dead i think

Eddie Garcia mixed with Jack Masterson

would be a biggie, actually.

As a matter of fact, yeah, I should try that one day.

That sounds sassy.

Is this the Malmaison?

Sorry?

Is this the Malmaison?

It is, yes.

Yo, this is Eddie Garcia.

I'm up in the Malmaison.

Okay, how can I help?

I just want you to know I'm up in this bitch.

This is awesome, man.

This is great.

You have a nice bed here.

I'm on the bed.

Okay, cool.

This is a good bed, man.

Man, I'm jumping up on top of the bed.

Good.

I'm up and down on the bed.

Good, and enjoy it, my friend.

Oh, man, it's so good.

Hey, I can use all the water I want here?

In the taps, you can, yes.

Oh, man, that's so awesome.

I'm using all the water tonight.

I'm going to leave the water on all night.

Just buy that ass.

Well, don't leave it on all night, because it could just flood the place if you're not careful.

Oh, so what, yo?

I don't care, yo.

Well, you'd be used to get billed for it.

This ain't my house.

No, you ain't billing me for nothing, man.

This is not my house.

So I do what I want.

I do what I want.

You're all that Brooklyn bullshit.

You're on it.

All right, cool.

We're done.

We're done with that one.

That was stupid.

Gardens Hotel.

Anybody want to go to the Gardens Hotel?

I'll take the gardens.

Of course you will.

I love them.

Where is that?

In England.

Somewhere in the stinky UK.

Manchester.

Where they shoot arrows.

Manchester.

The good part of Manchester.

I once shot an arrow from Manchester all the way to America and it hit your mother in the ass.

Wow.

That's rude.

That's not nice. My mom's disabled.

Good morning, gardeners.

Yeah, that's why, because I shut the fucking door.

That was brilliant.

That was a good joke. I like that, Jim.

That was really good.

Shut your mouth.

Sorry, man. I didn't mean it. She really is disabled.

You know, my mom's dead.

Good morning, the Gardens Hotel.

Yeah, hello.

Hi.

How's it going? Is this the Gardens?

It is.

All right, check it out. I'm in a bit...

My name's Brant. I got a bit of a problem.

them so i you there yep go on all right so here's what's happened is that i'm i'm in one of these

rooms i i don't exactly know which one i followed a woman in here and uh i i'm calling from my cell

phone she said we're at the gardens and she was a she was a prostitute and i woke up and i think

she's dead right well look on the front of the door tell me the room number okay hold on let me

to go look no i don't want to come out you're going to call the police no you don't have to

close the door behind you just open the door look at the room number it's all smoky in here i can't

really see i'm pretty fucked up i was taking mushrooms and and pills and uh you know we were

okay just open the open the bedroom door and look at the number on the front okay hold on hold on

can you hang on a second yeah all right hold on i gotta it's kind of smoky in here i'm a little

little drunk

armed and dangerous

ain't too many

can bang with us

straight up weed

no angel dust

label us

notorious

thanks to us

niggas that love

the bus

it's strange to us

y'all niggas

we scrabble it

gavel it

up in restaurants

of vandalism

violence

we just sit here

trying to win

trying not to sin

high off weed

and lots of gin

some of us

folk need oxygen

so we can't

get no interest

nigga you should

do what you do

what this game

will do to you

Living this shit since 92

Look at all the bullshit I've been through

So call me if you know who

Nigga move like, nigga move like white shit

Not to be fucked with

I told you I knew Biggie Smalls rap

Hey, I just fucking jizzed all over your hallway

You want me to send somebody out?

This guy's still here

Hello?

That was Biggie Smalls

You've got a good idea for a call though

Get rid of that guy

You've got a really good idea

Like calling some hotel

and saying that

you're trapped in there and you're calling from a cell phone

yeah yeah yeah exactly you're calling from a cell phone

and she's tied you up to the bed and you can't

undo the cuffs or something

you were cheating on your wife or something

like that and then

you got stuck yeah you fucking ruined it

I'm sorry I'm sorry

even better is the

wife hired the hooker to fucking

handcuff you and shit and you can't get loose

Nunu's having a

shit in the chat about the dead person

yeah what is it with him

What? What's the matter, Nunu?

I don't do dead people pranks. I don't ever do that again.

I don't do dead...

Nunu is in charge of the

Ten Commandments of

Carlito. Carlito went all

biggie.

He's in charge of the ethics department.

Nunu is in the ethics department.

The ethics

department of Nunu

involved no stupid

football, no stupid sports.

No tech talk.

But don't ever do any bomb threats

Or any dead people

No food talk and all that shit

Yeah, no food talk

I won't stop rapping

Unless you guys tell me to, I'm sorry

This is a new one?

Cash was everything around me

Shit, nigga, we're lyrically

Niggas can't see

Yes, hello

Mr. Stewart is here

Aaron, let me take care of this shit

Listen, I got a problem

Oh, yeah

I want to come up in there, man

I want to tie you to the bed and you know fucking slap you like a little bitch. Oh, yeah, you like that

All right, fuck you then listen to my friend rap

Yeah, also, you know fuck that luck shit string the aim no aspirations to quit the game fit your game

Talk your shit grab your gear call your click squeeze your clip hit the right one faster

We that got to lock one all them niggas that got to flat one all them holes

Like I select one our situation is that one what you're gonna do fight or run seems to me that you'll take me

Well, no big nigga. That's no Lee. I will tell you like a nigga told me castles everything

We're out me shit directly niggas can't see me. Fuck it by the coke cook the coke cut the coke cook

I forgot that song. I forgot that part. I'm usually pretty good. That's all I had round. It's my favorite Biggie Smalls song

man come on give a shit biggie smalls come on biggie smalls and and and and fucking bone thugs

in harmony you can't get any better than that man he was fucking hanging in there too until

about two seconds ago and then he cut out yeah yeah i don't like rap i don't like that music

i don't like that shit this guy sucks yeah man biggie smalls and and and and fucking bone thugs

and that was that was the epitome of the 90s that song where there was for me it was epitome

me in my high school years man you know biggie smalls and busy bone fucking he would just fucking

go on and on man oh man that was the one of my favorite songs is the one where it was uh

there was bone and uh and a notorious big that's why i'm i'm rapping it right now man it was like

he's talking about by which one was the one where like he got shot with an arrow

that was on his

life after death

no no what he's talking about

is when Biggie actually got killed

that's when he got shot

no the one where he went to like an archery competition

and somebody shot him

I don't think that ever happened

they shot him right up his ass

I don't think it ever could fit

Carlito before you end the show

you definitely gotta call Zappos and fuck with them

at least once

you can't let those fuckers slide

No.

Not for all the shit they've done to me.

By the way, if you join

the thugs,

if you join the, um...

You are wasted, man. Yeah, I am.

If you join... Did you drink that whole bag,

motherfucker? Yeah, Derek, what was left

in the bag. There's not anything in it, and this guy's

pissed off his tits, man.

No, I drank a bunch of whiskey, too, asshole.

You wouldn't know because you don't drink. You drank that much

whiskey and you'd be on the floor right now you'd be like right yeah he had that bottle of fucking

johnny walker black label up there on the computer yeah i've had whiskey and wine what

you had tonight water yeah what the faggot i fucking love you suck so bad you can't shoot

archery balls this fuck is fucking awesome arrow thugs in harmony what were we doing what was

going on what'd you guys say uh zappos zappos thank you i think that trading card is fucking

I could write on for a gin story.

I've got the picture of the guy from Robin Hood Men in Tights and shit.

I think that's right on target.

All right, thanks.

Right on target.

It should be a compliment.

You see that fucker sitting there trying to shoot four or five arrows at a time?

I mean, if you could pull that off, come on now.

That's a freaking male.

What's that guy's name?

That's a freaking joke.

That's hot ass, man.

That's badass.

I wish I could do that.

Girls love archers.

I mean, I guess these archers, they go to the after party or whatever,

and fucking they just get crowded and flooded by all these girls.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I heard archers, they all drive, you know, big BMWs and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah.

They all drive footballer cars.

Hey, Carlito, you ever watch a show on MTV called Guy Code?

Do what?

You ever watch what?

The show Guy Code on MTV.

No.

Oh, dude, you've got to watch it twice.

It's fucking hilarious.

No, I've got to watch it.

They sit there and basically break down different things like...

Autry sticks.

Yeah, well, you have that.

I mean, shit.

Anal beads.

Jim Stewart's favorite show.

Yeah.

You've got to catch it once or twice.

They break down a bunch of different things that are like in guy codes,

like not fucking your best friend's ex-girlfriend and shit,

but it's got a bunch of comedians on there, and they're fucking hilarious.

Oh, it's a guy code on MTV.

I don't watch much MTV.

I know my wife started watching MTV again because that fucking, what's the, that show started again today.

What was it?

Jersey Shore.

That started again today.

Bullshit.

Everywhere it turns, every channel I'm watching, it's not MTV, but they're fucking showing advertisements for it.

I'm like, what the fuck?

They trying to drop the last dime to build as much money as they can?

I guess so.

I heard this season's going to suck.

You should do if you do what the shit will do to you.

Been in the shit since 92.

Look at all the bullshit I've been through.

So-called beef with you-know-who.

Talk about Tupac.

He's like, you know that beef with you-know-who.

I bet you're going to edit this show and you're going to take out the whole last bit.

Probably.

I'm so stupid.

Okay, are we doing any more pranks?

I'm done.

Oh, Sappos.

That's right.

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

I got to queue it up.

And this is it.

No more.

This is it.

It's over.

You sure you don't want to call Faison?

No, she's dirty.

She's lovely.

She is dirty.

She's got a filthy mouth.

I love to fill.

She's got nice tits in that picture.

Does she have nice tits?

I'm Terry, and I'm a member of the ZCL team.

Should we see if we can get her to do that?

To better assist you with your shopping needs,

please press 1 for new orders,

2 for general questions,

3 for returns,

and 5 to hear the joke of the day.

It's different.

It won't be.

I'd like to donkey punch Faizan.

She's a dirty bitch.

Hi, my name is Jewel,

and I'm with the customer loyalty team here at Zappos.

Here is your joke of the day.

What's a new joke?

Animal needs oiling.

A donkey.

A mouse.

Because it's squeak.

I get it.

Wow.

At least it isn't fucking Tyler on there.

Put a little Zappos in your...

Fuck Tyler.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

We'll broadcast it at the end of it.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Andrew speaking.

How may I help you?

Yeah, fuck you, Zappos.

Okay, I'm disconnected the call.

Thank you.

Where the fuck is Tyler, you piece of shit?

That one goes up the book-a-poo.

Thank you.

Nothing like you have to go,

Hey, how may I help you?

Fuck you, Zappos.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Thank you.

And I'm going to go now.

All right.

I'm done.

Bye.

See you guys.

Leave me on.

Don't kill me.

Okay, I won't kill you.

Bye.

No, don't kill me either.

Who do I like more?

You can kill me, but I'm going to say fuck you, Richie,

and your piece of shit fantasy football team.

Good luck.

Who you got this week, Ken?

You got Andy?

Who's who you playing?

I think Big Fish, I want to say.

Yeah, the Fish.

Yeah, I beat him.

I beat him by two, three points.

After tonight's game, I'm up 30-nothing.

69ers?

That's Artie.

Fucking Artie's got a bye week.

He's still got a guy in his fucking shit.

He needs to change it.

Yeah, Artie.

Come on, Artie.

Don't tell him until Sunday you son of a bitch

Oh hey

Ken I think I play you not this week but next week

We both have a bye

Two byes

In that week we should just work it out

Where we just roll with it

I am bisexual I'm fabulous

Jin

Keep it down we're trying to have a conversation

We're talking about real men's sports

Over here

We sit behind the computer

And fake like we're coaches

Archery is a sport guys

Archery is a legitimate sport

You guys are talking about buys

Wait a minute

Milkman is still awake

What the fuck is this situation

How can you play your virtual sports

I'm gonna

Alright bye Ken

See you later

See you Ken

Bye Dirty Aaron on your ass

See you later man

Good luck this week

I guess I'll keep

John

whatever

bye

yeah you man

I love you man

take us out of here

milkman

woohoo

what an exciting

episode

right here

the favorite place

to be

mad out

9.6 a mile

hey I'd like to

thank everybody

for stopping

especially I'd like

to thank our

numbers hit man

that's right

lonesome loser

I'd like to thank

all our friends

right here in the

mouth

right here in the

stop by in the

chat

goodbye for

joining us

tonight on the

line

And especially our guest host, Mr. Jim Stewart.

Woo-hoo!

Sandy's going to give you an update on where this will be.

I'd also like to thank everybody over at Catfish Network, whoever's left.

I'd like to thank everybody at Syndicate.

I'd like to thank everybody that joined in tonight.

Especially you.

That's right.

We do this every week, most of the time, so you can find right here on the Internet.

That's right, my friends.

Every week for you.

We drop the dime.

All we ask is that you give us the time.

Bye.

See you.

Share.

Laugh.

Bring a friend or bring an enemy.

They're always welcome right here at the Madhouse.

That's right.

And what we do is send our fearless leader of the Madhouse,

Joe Lisi, more of the Madhouse, everybody.

So, my brother, excellent, excellent show, my friend.

Thank you, big guy.

Thank you.

Over to me.

Thanks to everybody who sent in numbers, Lonesome Loser,

and all them guys who called in tonight.

Those are good.

All the requested pranks, all that stuff.

We almost forgot someone tonight.

Yeah, I hear you're texting me now.

I'll get a podcast next time.

Hello, Charlie.

Charlie.

Oh, he doesn't want to talk anymore.

more i'm i'm sad i'm sad because the charlie facebook the charlie sigh facebook got taken

down uh unfortunately over the weekend and that's really sucks because it was really fun to watch

all i don't know how fucking the arm got all these pictures of charlie sigh charlie's pictures were

awesome he's got some big hands got pictures of him as a birds and oddies and all the stuff in

his and his daughter it's awesome stuff but it's gone now i don't know if it's back yet but it's

gone now. Fuck. Man, gort me

the pictures, dude. I don't have them now.

Now we gotta find them somewhere. We gotta find

them on the gort archive. Alright, we're outta here.

Goodnight, everybody. Have a good night.

See ya, Cali Jeff. I'll miss you guys.

I'll miss you guys. Jim Stewart. Jim Stewart. Jim Stewart.

When's your next show, brother? Yeah, stupid.

Yeah, maybe Sunday. I don't know. I'll update everybody

on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube.

Hey, fuck it!

Fuck it. Alright, go

have archery time. Do that.

You can talk about archery if you want

on Sunday. Yeah, I will. Yeah, I'm going to get

you on the show. I'm going to fucking talk about it on the street.

There you go.

You're a good sport, Jen. I love you, man. You're my

bro. Thanks. Yeah, you're mine, too.

Milkman's more my bro. I mean, I

want to get jealous. Yeah, man.

I got both your backs, man.

I love you guys.

Thanks, Milkman.

Bye, Jen. See you, Milkman.

Good night, everybody. Have a good weekend.

And we'll catch you next week.

PrankCast coming out this week.

I'll try to catch up this weekend, alright?

All right, bye.

Is the Water Hot or Cold? – 10/4/12 Show

Calls (34, 1 h 21 min of 3 h 9 min)

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