Two in the Pink, One in the Stink

Oh, motherfucker, how are you?

You guys are so impressed with my fucking growing up, okay?

Shut up, bitch.

Come over to the store and talk to me face to face.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

I'm not playing no fucking games, bitch.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get the callings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

because i can't stand my life trying to do scare me i need a life a year ago tantrum every time

you call and i'm not home look sister i'm out there in the jungle eight hours

You want it, Jack?

Hello?

How's the radio?

Talk like that.

Huh?

I'm stupid.

Stupid, man.

I'm a stupid idiot.

I don't get it.

I'm stupid.

Be careful.

Hold on.

Hey, are we on?

Yes, we are.

We are live.

Hey, stupid.

Can we hear you?

Yeah, we hear you.

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, now I'm here.

All right, hey, tell Jen, don't you have to go to work?

He said I was a bloody liar when I said it.

Yeah, he's fucking right.

No, I do.

I've got to be at work at four in the morning.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, but it's not 4 in the morning, you donkey.

It's fucking, what is it over there?

It's 10.30.

So what?

He said that you were going to make it.

Yeah, I had 4 a.m. my time, which will be what?

That'll be noon your time.

That'll be what my time?

Noon.

Noon?

Yeah.

Yeah, noon.

Noon my time.

It's fucking, it's 4 o'clock in the morning over here.

Yeah, so it's like in the second, three, three.

I'll be working at 4 a.m.

Yeah, and then you'll be working at 4 a.m. my time.

Tonight's savings time night, so then you lose an hour there,

and then you don't count the Atlantic time either.

Okay, whatever.

You guys are stupid with the time anyway.

GMT time, Milkman, what time are you working?

It's like in two hours.

I got to work, I don't know.

How many hours from now?

8.30 to 9.

Okay.

That's half hour, 9 to 7.

Seven and a half hours.

So you've got seven and a half hours before you have to do anything,

but it's important.

Before I have to get up and work for another 14 hours.

Oh, you fucking hell.

Why can't he be stupid, man?

Yeah.

He's not that stupid, but, man, you know what?

It's nice when you get money.

It's in two hours.

It's in two hours he's got to be at work.

That's bullshit.

He just said seven and a half hours.

No, it's like two hours we're saving because we're losing an hour tonight, Jen.

We're losing an hour.

It depends on if you're on this side of the international day line or on the other side.

That's probably where the confusion is.

Or if you're stupid.

Yeah, or stupid, man.

The international madhouse line.

Let me get the camera on so we can do some pranks.

You know what?

Lonesome doesn't show up on Saturday nights.

So what are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

Oh, cool.

I tried to Google you earlier, man.

Yeah, Google you and, but I couldn't get you, man.

I was trying to cam you earlier, bro.

I was calling you from my car.

I was cruising around.

I had a really good signal.

You're talking to him, not me.

Oh, and I don't have you on Skype.

And I don't have you on Google, but you're never on there, Jim.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, you have my personal account on Google, not my chain account.

Right.

But, I mean, I don't come over there and bother you.

I've always had your personal stuff.

I've got all your old ones, too.

But, I mean, like, normally you're not on there, so I don't type a message.

If you're on there, I may type.

Personally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you should leave more messages.

I'd like to chat with you, man.

Okay, cool.

I think I may be, like, commenting on your picture or, like, something on your log.

I saw something funny, man.

What happened on Facebook?

Was it not your birthday recently?

I left you a thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, Halloween was my birthday.

And a lot of people had sent in stuff,

and I didn't catch them until a little bit later.

So I'll have to actually officially thank people that did remember, man.

Yeah, Milkman.

That's pretty impressive, man.

Milkman, in my defense, I did bring it up last week.

You did, and I tried to dog it as usual, man.

Man, I tried to pretend like you're crazy and shit, but some people still figured it out.

Look, I had a really bad week.

I didn't call you or my friend Eddie, the real Eddie Garcia, that guy.

His birthday's on Halloween, too.

And I usually call him.

Well, I know you had a bad week, dude.

I didn't realize what was going on until we had that brief talk earlier, man.

I'm really sorry, man.

I didn't realize you were.

Right.

So we have a lot of requests.

I worry about you.

I kind of wonder, like, are you really okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

He's not alright. He's just like, I'm alright.

Yeah, I'm alright.

I know Hermano. I know Hermano.

That's his way.

That's his way. He just told me enough.

I'm kidding. RBCP sent in

a layaway number we could call.

I will do that.

Are we on the air now? Yeah, we are.

We've been dragging through the air.

I'm not doing intros or music or nothing.

Just doing pranks on the air.

Oh, okay.

Hermano, you know!

Kiss way, kiss way.

you know someone on the itunes uh store commented on the madhouse show saying they love the show

but they think it's gay when you say stuff like harmonious who said that someone said

oh god many people are so preoccupied with gay hey it's only a show someone uh made that comment

I laughed when I saw it.

I don't know where it is now.

Okay.

You having fun?

You good?

Yeah.

You psycho.

Oh, okay.

I'm trying to find this last little connection.

Let me push the button on that soundboard.

I guess you've got to turn it off so I can't push it.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe I should get that up.

I don't know.

I don't have the soundboard up.

I will.

Well, I'll get on it, too.

Well, never mind.

I'll tell you what.

Move right along.

And have some action on the air.

And everybody is to hear your mission.

Everybody on!

Okay.

I'm dying as well.

Listen, hey, Carlito, we should address the KDK thing, right?

I mean, he's on now.

I don't want him to be pissed off at me.

Why would he be?

Why would he?

You haven't talked to him in, like, five years.

Why would you care?

Well, because, you know, we're kind of stealing his limelight here.

I don't know.

Well, we might be, I think.

No, I don't know.

KDK's cool with me.

I don't got no problem with KDK.

He's alright, you know, we- we- we-

Alright, well, KDK, if you get a chance to listen to this,

we are not here to steal your limelight,

and I hope you forgive me, because I still like you.

I guess so.

KD knows better now. He knows we're all f***ed.

He knows still that we're sexual men, boy.

I don't care. KD who? Hm? Who?

Oh, shit.

KD who? I never heard of him.

You see, this is makeup. This is makeup for our misplaced f***ers.

Shut up.

Must have been a bad Thursday.

Who are you calling, man?

Some broad.

Do you make these numbers up when you just type them in?

You're like, oh yeah, let's see who picks up.

No, no, Brad sent this one.

Hi, this is Clay. Pleased to meet you.

Hi, this is Asshole. I can't answer the phone. Thank you.

Hey everybody, please welcome James Starr from JamesStarr.com!

Such a delayed introduction there.

Why did you bring me back in? I got in trouble because I got sent away.

It's all that shit you're smoking. You just delay everything by about ten minutes.

You first have a chat with me, yeah, how are you?

you and then you're like oh fuck it's jim stewart oh shit jim stewart's here and this is a random

number this is a random number let's see what happens plant prank roulette are we gonna reach

faizan tonight yeah we can if you want quite closer picture to chat i'm out of a relationship

now i have to ring him yeah we gotta have a picture here man hello we gotta have a precision

arching parking oh my god thank you milkman for that

Did somebody answer?

Yeah, they answered, and they hung up, because they hear you talking.

I didn't hear the answer. I apologize. I will mute.

That's such a brilliant prank. It's just Milkman talking away.

Like, they pick up, and just Milkman is just randomly talking to them.

If you did not hear the answer, I saw it was this ring, and I thought you cut it.

I thought you cut it for the ring. Come on.

Okay, I'm looking good. I'm going to go practice archery and be good.

I'll be back in a little bit.

I'm retarded. I'm Milkman.

you sound like ed rosenfeld

okay good tell them i am queer and pedophile who has a stranger this must be a quote

okay very hateful saying that yeah oh yeah it's in the chat

very hateful very mean to say yeah but it's filled with love

We're being pissed at.

It's filled with hate and venom.

All right, Milkman, shut up.

There's love behind that.

All right, you can't cry in the chat.

The number you dialed has been changed.

It's connected.

Who cares?

Damn it.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

We got all these people here.

I baked cookies, and we don't have any numbers.

Send in your request of pranks, but I've got old numbers I can get to also, I guess, since there's no loan.

Bring Faison.

I want to talk to her, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, she won't expect it, Jim?

because it's Saturday?

Yeah, man.

All right.

Let's do it.

I'm very excited.

Turkish kitchen.

Turkish horse.

You think who's going to...

What's her husband's name again?

Oh, Stallion.

I don't know his real name.

I got it somewhere.

Stallion.

Stallion, is it?

Is it?

Thank you for calling Turkish Kitchen.

Hello?

Hi.

Hello, yeah.

Can I speak to Faizan?

Sure.

She's on phone, actually.

She's what?

She's on the phone right now.

Yeah, I need to speak urgently with her.

It's a matter, because I'm calling from New York.

I'm one of her members of the family.

Okay, just a second.

Yeah, very important to get it to her.

Hello?

Hello, Faizan, it's Mr. Stewart. How are you?

Oh, motherfucker, how are you?

Yeah, actually, listen, I'm out of a relationship,

and I thought maybe I'd get in touch with you

to see if you could get out of your relationship

so that we could have a relationship together

and make relations.

Right on.

Hello?

Hello, motherfucker.

How are you?

Hello, motherfucker.

We'll try it again.

You know, they got an answer machine screening thing.

I don't know what that's about now.

Are they seeing your number?

Have you got a cool number?

No, no numbers.

Thank you for calling Turkish Kitchen for a takeout order.

Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Yeah, sometimes they'll pick it up.

That is shit.

Why have they got that now?

Sometimes they'll pick it up, but not that time.

let's call the uk the uk half past three in the morning yeah good idea i'm gonna wake some people

you know probably most people will actually just be getting out or just be getting in from a night

out rather old people though old people they're in the middle of the future man they have to go

to church tomorrow they'll be coming back from the club what do you have in the club water rain

water and green alcohol what the hell i don't go there yeah right give me a glass of rain water

That's what Jin drinks.

Rain water and grain alcohol together.

Grain alcohol, yeah.

Everclear.

Exactly.

Like a little splash of grain alcohol.

That's all you need.

You don't drink.

Well, no, Jin doesn't drink.

All Jin does is he watches porn.

I was getting absolutely wasted for the past week.

You know it.

He watches porn and he has sex with girls.

Yeah, apparently nobody approves that.

Do you want to talk about it?

Because it's a funny story, Jim.

I don't care.

We can talk about it, yeah.

Prank offer.

Welcome to the Skype voicemail of 014.

Shit.

Keep going.

But how do you expect them to pick up at this time in the morning?

I mean, seriously, they're going to be in the deepest part of their sleeping patterns.

They're going to be like...

That's the whole thing.

So you think six...

Yes, well, that's why I'm trying to interrupt that.

But you're thinking...

Yeah, it's impossible, though.

No.

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

If you called me at this time, I would never get off the phone.

What if it's an emergency?

I would say it's an emergency.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

I think I want to pick up.

Hey, this is an emergency.

Hello?

Yeah, this is an emergency.

You've got the wrong number, lad.

No, is this Sav... Sav... Saval?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's an emergency.

Yes, there is.

Have you drunk any of the water?

What?

I've never drunk any water.

When was the last time you drank the water?

Last night.

You had a cup of tea?

how long was it boiling for a long time or just a short time there's a bacteria in the water did

you have to take a shit in the night did it come out like diarrhea i don't know i'm blind how do

you feel now right now do you feel like you have to make a shit you don't have to see with your

eyes to take a shit in the toilet you'd have to what you don't have to see with your eyes

to take a shit in the toilet oh yeah no no please go over to your bucket and squat over and take a

shit no i just thought about what i was saying i'm sorry it's not funny i'm visually impaired too

i'm not laughing oh well no can you see lights don't don't fall into this time again uh just

can you go to you check the bathroom and see if it's solid or and in the anything do you live alone

or is your wife there hello oh shit oh i lost control i'm sorry i have a good question for him

though he's blind let's ask him can i just stick a finger up there welcome to bg answer 1571

i was gonna ask him if you're blind when do you know to stop wiping your ass right when do you

know to stop well it's a good question no don't try to argue it jen i'm just trying to imagine it

it's just i i'll feel really bad for him now well he'd be able to i'm sure he does he doesn't smell

like ass all the time he probably has a good trick you can help us because i'll be blind soon

yeah i think so from this from yes hi is this savel jay savel yeah it is good evening love

how are you i'm just calling on behalf of the uh question administration and i wanted to ask you

are you are you blind what have you done that you're blind or do you uh no uh do you know what

time it is it's like 11 o'clock i know it's a little late i don't mean to wake you up no i'm

Well, sorry, it isn't. It isn't 11 o'clock.

Oh, okay. Well, hey, man, if you're not blind,

do you know how when blind people know to stop wiping their ass

when they take a shit in the toilet?

No, I'm sorry. It's quarter to four in the morning.

We're over the time thing already, sir.

I'm asking my question to you, okay?

Sorry. Bye.

No, no. You didn't get given any consideration.

They can't hang up at this hour.

They're just, like, trying to find the whole receiver.

Where am I putting my phone?

You didn't even give it any consideration or thought.

Hey, Rana.

Hey.

Hi.

I invited you to my gourd.

Listen, you didn't even give my question consideration or, like, a thought or anything.

And that's the least you could have done.

You're already awake.

At the very least, you could think about the question and try to answer it for me, please.

At least he found the phone this time.

Yeah, Milkman, your gourd.

Yeah, I got it.

Look, it says right here, gourd.

Milkman's gourd.

Yep.

Okay, I don't see you in there.

I need this thing.

Oh, I'm not in there.

You don't know how to invite people to it.

You're very bad at Gort, Milkman.

It says you are invited.

No.

842.04, invited.

Yeah, but what time is it now?

It's 11.42.

It's not 8.42.

Yeah, well, three hours ago I invited you, man.

I mean, I don't know what the holdup is, but it's cool.

Get Death Fox to do it.

Death Fox, Milkman doesn't know how to make it work again.

How can it be 11, Plunker?

Have you not set your clocks back?

Not yet.

Yeah, you don't set it until 1 o'clock is when the change happens.

Yeah, last weekend.

Duh.

No, this weekend.

Today.

Tonight.

For a Europe once, it was last weekend.

No, it wasn't.

It fucking was last weekend.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

All right.

Milkman, when do we change the time?

When do we fall back?

I saw us on CNN.

Yeah?

We're about to find out.

Yeah.

Maybe the UK?

They do a little different.

I think you guys are always behind us.

Sunday, 28th of October, 2012.

Okay.

Yeah, but that's in the UK.

When does New York change the time machine?

New York.

Time.

I'm in, Milkman.

I got your gourd now.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

I got some numbers here for you.

Death Fox had to do it.

And also, we got a special announcement we got to make here.

Who cares?

We should make it early in the show.

We got a request here.

All right.

It's not a show, but okay.

What's up?

All right, Milkman.

Man, there's a need for Madhouse Frank archives.

He's announced it tonight.

Look, it's come to a stalemate.

I need more people to listen.

Thank you, Tabachi.

So if you've got any people out there who would like to help out with recovering the missing gold from the Madhouse,

man, we sure could use your help.

Beto, I might even sit down.

Man, there's a little hominy out there, folks.

Somebody would like to step up to the back and give us a hand.

We sure appreciate it.

Right there, Mano?

Yeah, good, good point.

What do we have left?

I understood that

Tabachi had finished

I got a link

I'm going to post a link

In my gourd here

Alright I thought I had a link

To it myself and I can't

I might have removed that on accident

Could have sworn I had a link to that shit

I got it now I got an index of Madhouse

Yeah

Well I've got 2007 but it's incomplete

I think we need 2008 still

I think that's what's going on

Tabachi you gotta let us know

No. Specifically, we need to know, so we can add to the announcement,

what years and months are still needed, need people to go through.

Just make a note of the time of the prank call starting

and pass it on to Tabachi by email, tabachi at madhouselive.com,

so that he can get those edited out.

We got one called Puerto Rican Joke.

Here's some, yeah, here's some 2009 one.

Green Day Sucks. I would have heard that recently.

Cute Greek Restaurant Girls.

There was some good shit in 2000.

Yeah. KDK Pizza Girl Crush? What the hell is that? What's KDK Pizza Girl Crush? Let's hear that.

Flying by Pizza Report, and it's Joel. What can I do for you?

Hey, how's you guys doing? I want to see, is that blonde girl working tonight?

Maybe. Which one?

Just the younger one, because I was in there, and she kind of smiled at me a couple times.

I was talking to her, and I just, you know, I'm kind of shy.

uh-huh but uh i want to stop down here and kind of show what's going on with myself

for the last couple weeks okay that's great that'll be great i appreciate it well i mean

that that's i mean i totally agree let's let's do it do what let's do it let's go for it i don't

know what you're talking about dude no i'm just stopping down there just gonna bring some i just

got some candies because i like candies i eat candies sometimes when i play my world what the

the fuck is reckless doing uh i gotta hear the rest of this

crap oh i like i like you give candy to pretty girls yeah that's i mean you know i'm saying i'm

kind of shy but you know sometimes beauty just it just inspires me to kind of go above and beyond

to kind of get with you know i'm saying so it's like that's the way i feel right now right well

Well, I can't really give out any information about anything.

No, that's cool.

I mean, I'll just show up.

It's cool.

I mean, I'm a more face-to-face kind of guy.

Oh, right on, man.

Because, like, I had this girl named Francine, but she kind of dumped me.

She always broke my heart, man.

I just never recovered from that.

But, you know, it's great.

So, I mean, it's just everything's great, man.

I mean, it's going really well.

That goes on.

Let's listen to some prank calls ourselves.

ourselves that goes on poor richie man he's just trying francine dumped him that really cool voice

yeah listen i got an issue here i want to bring in uh i want to make sure i have any trouble

and what the rules are exactly here but i brought in something what's your return policy

huh what is it that you purchased uh i got some brake pads and then i bought a five liter jug of

of um pens oil oil to put in my car and at this point i kind of decided this oil wasn't any good

i went online and did some research and then there was a youtube video and these people they put uh

they use the same oil and they put it in an engine and they put it in a like a water block of water

that was frozen and it didn't start and then their brand started it instead so i want to return the

depends oil i want to drain and return it and i've got the receipt and i'll put in the original

container and everything but i was wanting to make sure how many days is the return policy

pretty much on oil that has been open and well wait a minute what about the the brakes if they've

never been used if they're in the package original package have been used or nothing have been

installed you could bring them in just i'll bring them back in the package your original receipt

yeah but for how long how many days i believe you have 60 days all right but this oil i just got

like four days ago and i had i didn't even turn the car on yeah as far as the oil goes i don't

think we're gonna be able to take that back in no but i didn't use i didn't use this oil all right

and and it went up like two-thirds of the way in the bottle that's all i tried everything i could

to get it out and i was gonna flush water through the engine but then i thought better i don't think

think that's you know like a good idea to do yeah as far as that goes no i don't know i need to get

this it's a lot of money for five liters of this oil this jug it's a big jug i understand what

you're saying but as far as it goes i can't resell that back to a customer yeah but you don't you

don't have you can't resell the broken stuff that when it doesn't work you don't just put let's say

hey it broke and the customer buy it anyway but you know you just have to take it back to the

the recycling and everything and say, Penzo, hey, look, the customer, you know,

he found out that it's a bad oil and he wasn't going to put that in his car

and start his car.

I didn't even start my car.

The car never got started.

I just put the oil in there.

And while the oil was going in, while my cousin was putting the oil in,

I said, yo, let me check this out on my Samsung Galaxy S3.

Like, I'll put in Penzo oil.

and these people were like look the car doesn't start and there was like an audience they're like

oh my god and like this guy he's like i've been a mechanic for 30 years and this is bad oil this

is the good oil it was the stuff this other dura stuff so that's what i'm getting instead as

a matter of fact, I think you sell the stuff there.

And I want that stuff.

I want to put the real good oil in my car.

What's the oil you're looking for?

It's called Dura Last.

I've got a bookmark on my bookmarks.

Duraless or Duralube?

Duralube, yeah.

So you're looking for an oil additive?

Well, they say that when they used it with Duralube instead of the Pennzoil,

and then they had both of the engines out of the car and inside a freezer,

and they were encased in ice.

And then when they started the one with the Pennzoil,

it broke down and sparks and smoke came out of it and everything.

and the guy was seized up and there was this mechanic and he said he's a licensed mechanic

30 years and he said yeah that oil that oil seized up the engine because of the cold weather

and it's getting cold it's getting cold you guys getting any rain up there not really yeah i know

well look this bottom line is i never even started the car when i saw these crazy things i told my i

I told my cousin, I said, Guillermo, we need to get this oil out.

Get it out, son of a bitch.

And we put every drop that came out.

We let it drip-draw for like five hours.

And it came up to the whole bottle like two-thirds of the way.

All right?

And then I'm going to close it up again, the jug.

And I'm going to bring my receipt.

And I have the bag that I brought from the auto parts.

And I'm going to bring it back.

And we need to get this fixed.

Because your people, I need to fill up the, how much is that Duralube in comparison?

I'm not quite sure.

It should run you about, I would say about $18.

Oh, so $18, I'm going to put that in the car instead.

And then I need a refund on this 5 liter junk because this is just insane.

But are you just going to put Duralube by itself or with oil in there?

Well, that's what, it's Duralube is the oil.

They said Duralube, you know, this car runs on Duralube, they said.

That's the slogan that came up.

It said, this car runs on Duralube.

It runs on Duralube?

Yeah.

No additive, but I don't think Duralube makes oil.

It's an additive for your oil.

It said the car runs on Duralube, really big on the screen.

This car runs on Duralube, and it had a song and everything for it.

I don't know if you've seen it.

No, I have not, sir.

I saw it on my YouTube.

Okay.

I have the YouTube computers.

You're looking to return the oil with your brake pads.

The unused oil, yeah.

Yeah, no, the brake pads I need, but the unused oil I've got to return.

As far as that oil goes, I'm sorry, I cannot take that back.

We could probably try to reach an agreement with that,

but we would have to get approval from our store manager.

Well, maybe you've got to call Pennzoil and say, hey, look, the customer said,

what's up, the customer called and he came in, and this is on you, Pennzoil.

I would write them an invoice.

I mean, you give me the money back, and then I would say you need to write

pens oil company an invoice maybe find out if you have a computers over there on youtube

and put in who owner who's the owner of pens oil and i'll come up with names and address and

phone numbers and emails and i will just you can type a letter in the computer machine

and just and just like an invoice and it says like amount due and it says you know amount due

if paid by this date and you put down the same price of the refund and then just charge them

my late fee if they don't pay it by that date that's that's what i would do because that's not

on your that's not your fault either you know like that i believe uh corporate offers take

care of that but it's not your store don't deal with that it's not your it's it's not your guys

it's the oil but you know they you need to you know process the refund and then pick pick it up

with them it's on them well how long do i have to get down there to get this bring down the oil or

Yeah, the oil.

Well, pretty much like I said, it's at 60 days, but you said you opened it, you put it into your vehicle.

Yeah, it's drained.

I never turned the vehicle on.

I never used it.

It just went through one container to the other.

It never got used.

It's unused oil.

It might not be getting used, but the oil you have inside your engine block, you might have sludge in there, which is going to contaminate the oil.

Yeah, but that's why this oil can't be sold to anybody.

It's bad oil.

oil i agree that's why i'm returning it because it's bad oil this oil is so bad that i put it in

and it was like a golden color listen to me it was so bad and and when i drained it it had done

so much damage to the car already it came out like it had like black spots in it or it was

starting to eat up the engine inside and it was darker it had a different feeling to it it was

was horrible how bad this oil the minute it got there it just started corroding it from the inside

pretty much the black stuff might be engine sludge yeah yeah it created engine sludge the

minute it hit the the inside parts of the car of the engine it just started making this black

dirty mess that came out of that right i've never seen such a thing guillermo he put a pan under and

and he drained it all we left it there for like five hours and then we poured all of that into

a mixing bowl and then we let that drip for like an hour and then then we drained the mixing bowl

into like a funnel and then we remembered we hadn't gotten the five gallon jug and then we

lost some on the countertop but then we brought the gallon jug under the funnel and it all went

down there and then the countertop stuff it wasn't that much and we got some of it but some of us

stayed on top of the countertop we tried to return that part but we got everything else that came out

yeah it's it's crazy the turn almost like it evaporated into the air the minute we opened it

so i'm gonna come down what time is it closing over there you're closing at nine o'clock uh

Uh, it was, what, 8-something?

It's about 8, yeah.

8.50-something?

8.57.

Right.

Yeah, I'm going to come down.

I got a few minutes.

I think I'm going to come down.

Hey, I'm going to come with the gal, the jug, you know.

If it's me, if I make it a little late because I'm leaving,

I got, like, four minutes until the store closes.

Just, you know, you know it's me, all right?

Don't just not let me in like that.

All right, and what was your name?

My name is Juan.

All right, my name is Lopez.

Okay.

okay all right and i'll be in there i'm gonna ask for you juan all right we'll get this taken

care of because this gotta be paid and it's not your fault right yeah i'll be here all right i'll

see you buddy all right take it easy see you bye all right uh i love my bullshit stories sometimes

i know they bore you guys sometimes are you wasted man no i wasted man hell no i have got a number

but i i called a couple of weeks ago and i'll send it to you send it send it thank you that one

goes out to big ken we sent that request and that premise and it's it's got to be paid for guys

hey dirty aaron it's you got to pay for it you know yeah it's got to be paid for it's got to be

paid for what's the story on your show what you're talking about oh yeah well i was gonna i was gonna

sort of chat with you on the uh thing there uh so i need to get shoutcast obviously uh-huh

download the shellcast machine yeah and then what then what did you get a studio mic you sound

really clear tonight oh do i no uh i don't know maybe i turned my mic up a little bit

oh you sound really good man like a really proper studio oh yeah well no if you see well my new uh

picture there it's just a pair of uh cans uh that i got for gaming you know for uh like eve online

line or fucking some gaming shit right right you've online yeah i started playing even line

again two weeks ago right yeah you should go there and shoot shoot things i just play modern

warfare man i'm not into that fucking spacecraft shit shut up i like that stuff too jen store but

the problem is the those kids get mean and nasty and rude i play them when they first come out

you know i play the campaign and everything and i'll do a little multiplayer and the next thing

you know i'm like these stupid kids i can't do it anymore you can just troll with them it's fun

yeah maybe we should do an outreach program you know be like hey i'm cool i'm carlito you know

i'm from madhouse radio from what you should check it out that's not a bad idea it's good

i'm cool man so uh dirty aaron is working on the show and that's that's good you got my blessing

show isn't it fucking because he sounds like zola he's gonna he's gonna do the zola show

oh yeah no i was it okay so now is it winamp and then you use winamp to get the shoutcast

is that how you kick the stream or what how does that work winamp and then there's a plug-in for

shoutcast on the way yeah i got it just just get winamp and then i'll send you the uh the version

the link well we we have a a version that got paid for uh you're not using the sam plug-in

that one the sam plug-in yeah but yeah the sam encoder was a sam 5 or sam 4 one

uh i don't know yeah i got it in a special folder i'll send it to you i'll put it in drop i'm not

using that at all i'm just using um the standard uh the big sam yeah i use i use i use big sam

uh on the server that handles the rotation so now that's what that's what are you using jen

i know you're using uh i'm just yeah well yeah but i mean i've got a setup i'm not the the two

pcs the three pc setup don't worry about that but for the actual streaming i use um i use win

Winamp. I just used the Winamp

and the Shoutcast plugin.

That makes it easier. Very good.

It is really simple. That's what I do for the show.

The live show. The computer that handles the live show.

That's what I'm looking at right now. Winamp plus that plugin.

But I'll get you the plugin

Aaron and the code for it.

Internet code machines. Go.

I'll handle it. Because if you might get a version

that's different than the code I got, it won't work

for you.

Ted Webb is here.

You've been around for a while.

Ted, how do you stream?

Are you in a Linux box with your streaming?

What do you got going on?

I have an EPC in the closet

with a thumb drive in it.

I think the thumb is up your ass.

Hey, fuck you, you prick.

I'll thumb your drive.

That's Ted Webb.

You motherfucking...

No, seriously, I have an EPC in the closet

with a thumb drive in it, and it's running Linux,

and it streams the shit.

God damn impersonator.

What the fuck are you doing?

You guys don't sound like at all.

I don't know why people say that.

Yeah, he does.

Listen to Ted properly and then Ken.

What?

I do not.

Okay, speak.

Huh?

What?

Yeah, you speak.

Come on, man.

It's like there's one person talking there.

Anyway.

You got to take the arrow out of your ear.

All right, Ted.

Actually, you know what's funny about this?

Is that there's a guy at work who thinks my name is Ken.

and i couldn't i couldn't correct him because he was always with other people so he walked past me

with a group of people be like oh how you doing ken and i didn't want to be like a jerk my name

is fucking stop right there and be like oh sorry you got it wrong my name is you know ted and i

couldn't do that so it's been going on for about six months now that every time he passes me i just

let it go for too long and he thinks my name is fucking ken and i can't undo it now it's too late

You are Ken, see?

I am Ken.

One day you're going to be his boss.

They're going to be like, yeah, we're going to introduce you.

This is Ted.

He just got a promotion.

And the guys are going to be like, oh, fuck.

I've fucking this up for all this time.

Yeah.

It's screwed up because I wear a badge that has my real name on it.

You never fucking look at it.

You have a badge with your name.

That makes it even more stupid if you actually have a badge.

My name's Ted.

I have a badge.

Yeah.

That'll be like the time when I was like 21.

i worked at the bank and like the head president for the place that i was at the head bank guy

banking guy i was in a coffee room getting some coffee and he came by and said oh carlos how you

doing my guy not too good and he goes that's great and he patted my shoulder and he left

with this coffee he wasn't even listening i remember that and my mouth dropped like oh my

my god that really happened what a fucking dick he wasn't even listening yeah it wasn't malicious

like he did it to be a dick he really wasn't listening really fucking pathetic very sad ted

so wait a minute you got a you got a epc running linux on a stick and what does it connect to your

so do you get is it all like i imagine you're like scripting and command lining everything

for shoutcast is that right or do you have some just i just run cron jobs that check if the

the stream's down and if it's down it just um you know it reads all the mp3 files that are on the

thumb drive and creates a playlist and starts it excuse me well that's awesome great it's been

running without fail for like five months linux kicks ass yeah it's awesome very dependable yeah

it's good stuff to put like on a those older laptops when they start getting slow for windows

through Ubuntu on their Linux in some form

and try to get used to it and figure it out.

Okay.

Hey, I've got a question for the real Ted Webb.

Uh-huh.

Hey, I wanted to talk to the real Ted Webb for a minute.

I wanted to find out how I could get a hold of you later on.

I wanted to see if you could send me a couple of prank calls

sent out of your major archives.

Yeah, you can direct message me on Twitter.

or just look for Ted Webb or Blue Prank Radio.

Is there any other way I can have a Twitter account?

Is there any other way to get to you?

Yeah, I'll just, out on the air, though.

Yeah, off air, off air.

The chat room.

Yeah.

Okay, Carly, can you send me the chat or something, Carly?

Or you could just go to the Wild Horse brothel in Reno, Nevada.

I'll be there.

Oh, okay, okay.

We've got the Wild Horse over here on Telegram right here in Bartlett.

I was like, why are you listening to early kicking, man?

All right, I got a new request to prank.

Everyone, calm down.

All right.

Oh.

All right.

No.

Hey, Carlito, I sent you that number.

You sent me a number?

Yeah, in Skype.

It's like I put it in, so all you have to do is click it.

I got to click it in Skype.

Let me look.

Before you added Ted, Ken, and Dirty Aaron.

I know.

I heard.

Ken.

Who is this?

Can I add Ted in my Skype?

Is that okay?

Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Okay, well, send me his name.

I don't have it.

Somebody send me his name.

I'll find him better.

I'll throw away.

It's Ted Webb with three Ws.

No thank God.

Okay, gotcha.

Thank you, sir.

Bye-bye.

Jesus.

Jen, what number is this that you sent?

This is a taxi company.

I called them about a week ago

because I've started doing more YouTube calls

rather than doing shows

because I can't commit to a show at the moment,

so I've just been trying to do calls,

and I started one with this company,

and um well it's it's quite an interesting pretense basically i i said i was hit by one

of their drivers i was on my motorbike going down a road near where they are and um yeah he i kind

of told him he i he'd hit me and i'd come off and then the taxi just carried on driving away

and um you know he was like denying everything and we we got to a point where he got really angry

and i said i was coming around to smack him up and all this and i did it in a really high pitch

witch voice so it was it was quite funny all right so you want me to call it did you want

to talk to them let's just see if i can take it's probably going to be a different guy because it's

nighttime now so it's probably going to be somebody else maybe they've heard but it doesn't

that doesn't matter let's try it maybe they've heard of you hello taxis yes hello yeah yeah

it's mr stewart speaking is that the who's that speaking there the taxis mate yeah i know that

it's you donkey i i've been calling recently in the last week because i had an accident on my

motorcycle and it was actually the responsibility of one of your taxi

drivers over there and yeah I was just hoping to speak to somebody in the

senior level there well actually no I is it is the morning and I'm very I'm now

ready to come over and discuss this face to face and possibly come in and punch

your face yeah I'm coming now you donkey why did you what it was you wasn't it

Yeah, yeah, it was me. Come down.

Fucking, why did you do that, you donkey?

Eh?

Knocked me off my motorcycle.

What do you mean, come down?

I'm outside.

I hope you get run over in real life, you motherfucker.

What do you mean?

I hope someone runs you fucking over, you bastard.

I'll run you over, you cunt.

You donkey.

I wish someone fucking runs the fuck out of you, you motherfucker.

Why are you swearing at me, you fucker?

I was polite to you.

I never swore.

Yeah, whatever, mate.

Piss off.

Fuck you.

yeah i told you guys uh pretty uh said the same guy was

check in the gourd channel because i'm sending you some confirmed numbers here you can share

with the guys okay got it let's see mark reed all right what i'm gonna send some more here

he's been sending them to me but i can't they don't catch you all right so computer work

there's echo shit you're getting an echo yeah it's echoing from you it's coming from yours

yours madhouse mine is echo you fucked something up again no yeah no no hang on let's reconvene

let me disconnect and we'll reconvene still got an echo i don't hear it all right aaron you're

next any echo i'm good hey i fixed it let me get jim how far ahead is this is the is the are we

to the stream the video stream is pretty instantaneous maybe three seconds the audio

Audio stream is, depends on the night, a minute to 40 seconds, just depends.

Some nights is better than others.

Let's call some motherfuckers.

Nunu wants us to call Charlie about his Q5.

Milkman, are you back on?

Did I get Milkman back on yet?

Is he here?

It's ringing.

It's just ringing, dude.

Dude, I can't hear you.

I can't tell if you're there or not.

It's just ringing.

Are you on Android?

Yeah.

That's a bug.

It does it all the time.

Hang on.

call me then try it on my call me on my on my stuff i'm gonna try it here i hope they'll have

enough connection wait a minute no no hang on zyklon how's it going hey real quick yeah milkman's

got that problem that you get with uh android for skype skype for android what what do you do to get

that endless ringing this top you have to shut it down completely usually i just hit the uh end call

it won't let you mute but it'll get rid of the ringing and like you'll have you almost in a hang

hang state uh-huh it gets rid of it you can still talk i can still hear you just can't mute

you just can't mute yeah that's it'll do that in that whole hang state uh and if not then you just

gotta shut the shut it down just get out of the hall and recall hang on i backed out of it can

you hear me yeah i hear you yeah oh okay okay i wasn't sure i didn't know i can't tell my end

if i'm in or not yeah you're good i think that's i think you just did what zyklon was saying

All right, cool.

Backed out.

Good hit, man.

Thanks, Zyklon.

All right, hey.

You're welcome.

Dirty Aaron, you said we should do more pranks.

I got a 99 Yamaha 650 V-Star Classic for Trey.

Bring him on.

Put the info here, point.

Put it in the chat machine.

In the chat machine, yep.

Say something like it's not as good as a Harley.

It's not as good as a Harley.

It's a piece of shit.

Wait a minute, where's Jen?

I forgot Jen.

I was on Thursday with Tristan and PSA Cobra.

We called a few places.

We were calling, oh, that's right, we were calling Australian body shops

and telling them that we crashed our car, like, through the fence, like, in a school zone,

and it was, like, stuck on a slide.

On a slide?

Yeah, it was stuck in the...

Like, facing up the slide?

Yeah, yeah, it was, like, stuck, you know, in the elementary school,

and we didn't want to get them to call the police and shit.

It was good times.

Oh, yeah, Carlito, speaking of Avonline, the server is down again.

Is it?

Yes, it's been up like the past two friggin' hours.

You do this call, tell me that your truck has some love scenes and shit in the back,

Oh, yeah, gotcha.

No, no, no, better yet, if this sounds like a hit, tell them that you've been making meth in it.

Well, I have been. I just got done making meth in the bathtub, so.

Bathtub meth is better. Okay.

You ready for this?

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

I'm gonna fucking mute this.

you can't hello hello calling the yamaha yeah man it's a 99 yamaha 650 b-star class

uh-huh got 4,800 miles on it oh man you haven't ridden it that much huh

no it ain't been rode much it's been parked up guy bought it from i don't know

yeah so uh you're gonna trade it you want to what kind of atv are you looking for i got an old

a three-wheeler stupid three-wheeler i might have to trade it off for a 2007 arctic cat 500

i'm supposed to go look at it tomorrow okay gosh uh can you tell me about uh so uh some more about

the bike well i have a i have a four-wheel drive truck also that i'm looking to trade the chevrolet

yeah yeah it's a 19 it's uh it's got some 44s on it and a big block a canopy yeah you know

to something like that yeah man uh that's what i was looking for i was looking for me a four

drive pickup because what i'm trying to do is haul some firewood out for my dad uh-huh and uh

yeah well so the only problem with the truck is is that um i think that uh i think that my brother

was cooking meth in the back of it for a little while so it was in the police impound for about

six months i haven't i just got it back so i don't know what the hell is going on around there

you know i haven't really driven it since i got it back from the police yeah yeah so i mean there

might be some huh this is silverado 2500 big block yeah it's like uh it's like a 90 94 yeah

it's badass but there might be some condoms and some semen and some needles and stuff like that

hanging around inside the truck so i mean if you want to come down take a look you know you

definitely can that's my stupid my stupid redneck brother was cooking the meth in the back seat

and he was probably banging some prostitutes and you know doing that sort of things maybe having

sex with his sister you know those rednecks are you located nah i'm outside of louisiana somewhere

i'm way up here i'm way up here in fed alabama dude oh shit well my uh it was my cousin sent

me this number he knew i was looking for a motorcycle so yeah we a long way yeah yeah well

i don't know uh are you interested in something like that i mean you know i might find a way to

to get it up there i'm really looking for a bike yeah dude uh do you want to send me a picture of

it to this number right here okay to this 205 number yeah all right then after you send it i'll

send you one of the bikes i mean as far as the motorcycle dude i mean it's a great motorcycle

nothing wrong with it okay yeah my old lady really likes the motorcycle she especially likes

it when i uh when i bend her over it you know and bang her right over the handlebars she really

likes that so that's why i want to get rid of the i want to get rid of this truck and get this uh

get this uh handlebars you know be able to bang it out with her i got some i got some recordings

and shit like that of me with my old motorcycle you know till i wrecked it yeah so maybe i can

send you some of those you know maybe i can let you bang it out with her you know part trade

something like that no not into that no i'm not into that album all right then she's pretty

pretty slutty she's down with that sort of thing all right i'll text you all right then i i

absolutely love how like the needles and condoms and all that shit like he's like damn that's

pretty good it's like this sounds like a night on the town for me he was all like all right

i just came up with some uh some fucking uh southern state i had no fucking idea where he

was that wasn't bad they're all in northern alabama according to death fox okay now yeah

but at least with that it wasn't too bad you could you could see someone taking oh here's a

thing true yeah he's in a new tuscaloosa call them up and sit if you talk to him say you're

an auburn fan because auburn fans and alabama fans hate each other with a passion okay oh my

god today was the i live in oregon today was the oregon usc game oregon won yeah

I know they won, but the fucking, I've lived near Washington State University and University of Washington,

and no one is as fucking freaky about the goddamn college football as the people from Oregon.

They put these windsocks and fucking flags on their trucks and stickers all up the side

and paint themselves fucking green and orange and then just drive down the freeway

like assholes to the games every Saturday.

Yeah, well, it's literally everything in Oregon.

It used to be like that in Tennessee until the Titans moved in.

I mean, everybody was all up for Tennessee Volunteer football.

They're all going to get even fucking crazier when they do the vote on the marijuana and shit here on Tuesday.

tuesday well you're in michigan isn't that you're in michigan is it or is it or is it minnesota

where is that vote going or colorado colorado's gonna no i think it's uh colorado and oregon

are voting on legalizing it tuesday well oregon's already legalized well in oregon it's it's sort

of legal but is it decriminalized like where they won't cite for it's it's it's kind of like

call it's yeah i don't know i mean it's still a federal offense and you can have a card but

they're trying to yeah like decriminalize it make it so they can't search your house or a certain

amount more that the just a mere possession use is not a crime but selling and deal like dealing

it and of course importing it growing it all that shit's still illegal per se yeah hey aaron i got

a question that last call do you think if you told him that you had like aids filled needles

and shit in that truck he would have turned it down no i don't i think he would have been more

more excited about it yeah let me use them that's you can we call can we do uh another call i want

to do one okay can i just ask what what kind of bike did he say he had it was uh like a cruiser

like a 99 what is it's in the chat it's like a japanese harley 99 650 b star yeah it's like a

shit oh it's a cruiser bike yeah it's a wank machine yeah i thought maybe he'd like a bit of

my cbr 600 yeah what is this f4 yeah no yes cbr 600f and i've got it it's a 2012 edition so i got

it this year but i want to get rid of it father kobayashi jen stewart do you remember father

kobayashi do you um speak english yes no i don't can you what the hell is that was that me i have

a reservation there could you um oh turn it off man what the fuck that's an old jen stewart prank

called Father Kobayashi

Kobayashi Maru

No, it's not you

That's someone else

Yeah, it doesn't sound like Jin at all

Tabachi

It says it is you

It says Jin Stewart here

It sounds more like Artie or somebody

Yeah, I don't think that's Jin

Hold on

What would you like me to hold on to?

Kalita, you're going to die

Put it on, please

I like this voice.

No, you don't.

You're going to die.

That sounds real good.

Yeah.

I like the whole music.

Hi.

My name is Ricky.

This came out.

Are you a...

All right, I'll stop.

It's bothering Jin.

Jin's upset.

It is bothering me, man.

What the hell is that?

I got these pictures over here of Jin.

I swear, I'm going to get on the next fucking plane and I'm going to come over there.

jen there's there's a pic of you up on the website right now yeah oh yeah it's a picture

of jen from the i like i love madhouse do you want a woman to tell you where it is go look at

it hey is this the mansion mansion you want to see it yeah send it to me hang on you're gonna

get a laugh you'd be surprised i have found this picture of you the arm sent it over to me

yeah yeah i'll get to it i swear if it's me i'm gonna get really angry oh don't get mad hey jen

do you want to call it

David Lloyd

they're not gonna

yeah they're not gonna

be open at this hour

unfortunately

I thought they were

open 24 hours

like most of the

gyms here in the US

no not David Lloyd

David Lloyd will open

at 5

well there'll be

staff there at 5

but they won't open

until about 6

during the week

and then weekends

they open at 7

oh okay

because there's like

a lot of gyms in the US

that are open 24 hours

yeah because you guys

need it

the fucking obesity

but I

over here

it's not really a problem

and David Lloyd

is a very fancy

posh shitty club

so they always

they keep it closed

what's uh what's that crazy fucker already been up to i know you were trying to touch base with

him like two shows ago crazy fucker already bit or what he's been doing yeah like remember i told

you you what he said all day i want to be on the show he wouldn't stop calling me i'm gonna be on

the show i'm gonna be on the show when i got him on the show he was uh well i tried to get him on

the show he was on a date he had some weird date another weird date happened jen i posted the page

that has your picture

there in the website,

in the Skype chat.

I don't want you to be upset.

I'm not allowed to go to Skype chat.

He's got odd hair.

It's quite funny, but it's not.

He's got the Eminem 1999 hair color.

So, for that, Jin,

we got you.

We got your picture.

Are you mad?

You mad, bro?

I'm not.

Oh, you mad, bro?

Are you mad, bro?

Actually, I thought the real picture

was the one that was on

the 7th anniversary one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, it's the same guy.

Well, he's an Indian guy.

No, not an Indian guy.

Hey, Carlito, what's the name of your corporation in EO?

Oh, no, I cannot.

What is wrong with you, cunts?

I'm not in a corporation.

I've been soloing, but I've got to find a corporation, man.

Yeah, we should form a corporation.

Yes.

What corporation are you in, Ted?

I haven't played in a long time, but now that you guys are playing, I want to play again.

It's a corporation.

It's called Microsoft.

No, a corporation's like the name for a guild.

Cunts.

Fuck guild.

Wow.

Nerd talk.

Ted, how's Microsoft doing these days?

Or should I say Bill?

Microsoft is shit.

Hey, you should listen to the epic rap battle of Bill Gates versus Steve Jobs.

It was you.

Yeah, that was you.

That's right, that's right.

Well, that one's good, but the one that's, like, Einstein versus, fuck, what's his name?

Stephen Hawking, thank you.

Speaking of YouTube videos, has anybody seen the Mitt Romney-style video?

The parody of Gangnam Style?

Yeah, that one's fucking hilarious.

Oh, it was?

Hey, buddy ladies.

No, keep talking.

No, I'm trying to get Artie.

Call Artie.

Oh, okay.

So I'm going to be his ass at Fantasy Football this week.

I want him to know it.

Hey, Ken.

You and your Fantasy Football.

Have a nice McGonagall.

You still get over that last Richie?

Well, Jim, if it makes you feel any better,

I'm going to sign up for Fantasy Archery.

If it makes you feel any better.

Yeah, yeah.

You already signed on, you cunt.

You cunt.

Torbasur.

What were you saying now, Zyklon?

About losing to who?

Richie?

Big contract request, milkman

Alright guys, shut up everybody

Let me get those requested pranks back in front of me

Brad

Brad, you sent in

Layaway numbers, Brad

But I don't

I only got one, single one

Did you send more, Brad? Let me know, please

Please let me know

Did you send

Did you send an email account or did you send an email or did you send a request of pranks?

I'm curious.

Let me know.

Please, I'm trying to find them.

All right.

Says he fired off four via email, madhouse email account.

That means he didn't send them to the same one that I asked him to send them to directly.

We're just sending them to Brad.

Brad, you need to send it to madhouse.producer at gmail.com for the time being.

Yeah.

Yeah, madhouse.producer.gort.madhouselive.

.machine.

.exe.

.rt.

.us.

At geo.rt.

.pimp.

That'd be a good debate is .pimp.

Yeah, I would have that.

.ch.

Attention on the floor.

Listen, we've got Cosby's Therapy Animals.

they did not pick up uh during a thursday night show therapy animals therapy animals yep what

kind of animals say the darndest things they probably want to answer what is it therapy

yeah but what what the fuck hello hello yeah is this the therapy animals incorporated bill

cosby's therapy animals yes yes um my friend is having problems emotionally his name is jen

and he's he's not used to not getting you know medals and awards and ribbons in his sport uh

and now he's denying that he's been an archer for the last 20 years of his because i'm not

archie you stupid cunt you see what i mean so we're maybe what's that supposed to mean well

we're made one i'm one of them i want to put him on a horse uh what animals do you have do you have

horses there speaking huh that's okay matt it's all right if you have like uh horses i'm not sure

what what you're uh what you're really looking for what animals does matt have back there huh

like what animals do you work with he doesn't have any archery animals let me put it that way

you know i don't have archery animals yeah i don't do archery anyway he's he's lying to you

you see hypnotic i think he's the one who needs therapy animals he would have got there do you

Do you have any, like, iguanas or lemurs that can spit at him all day?

How about gerbils?

That would be a good thing, but no, I don't have that either.

And I really thought this might have been an emergency call.

It is an emergency call.

Do you have monkeys that masturbate while they watch you?

No, I don't have those either.

I need a monkey to jerk me off.

You guys have a great night.

Yeah, you too.

He needs a gerbil to put up his bum.

Nice.

Love it.

What could the emergency be with regard to the therapy animals?

What therapy animals?

If you don't have a horse and you don't have dogs, did anyone ask her if she has dogs?

I have a therapy animal stuck up my bum.

Can you help me get it?

Therapy gerbil up your ass.

I tried to have sex with a therapy animal.

It didn't work out yet.

After that ordeal, the fucking animal would need therapy.

Here's LeVar Burton, also known as Roots Guy.

One foot Roots Guy.

Hey, Droid of the Forge.

And, yeah, the nerd with the glasses.

The Star Trek guy, black guy with the glasses.

Droid of the Forge wasn't a nerd.

Star Trek? I like Star Trek.

The Visor.

Hey, assholes, shut up.

Okay, shut up. I want to do this.

Is this the Star Trek man?

It's going to be his answer machine, but maybe he'll pick up.

Planet Alpha.

Tell him I got it.

Yeah, tell him what.

He's got a phone for me.

This is Stephanie.

This number at entertainment is 818.

three four

shut up

space nerd

leave a message

yay

LeVar Burton

you said you were

doing it you cunt

well shut up

I'm leaving it now

LeVar Burton

I just want to say

I'm a big fan

of all your work

especially the

police academy movies

when you kept

making the voices

with your mouth

it was really funny

and awesome

thank you

I wanted to finish

at the end by saying

and Kurt would

kick Picard's ass

bitch

oh hey Carlito

we need to call

Zappos tonight since it's Saturday

we should have a new joke

where's that lady with the

spasms or the fits

that was Zappos

we want to talk to her

Dirk Stranger

who

oh yeah when Carlito called the

Zappos and you were all concerned

that the lady had a

she's having seizures or something

somebody else

yeah I remember

and I said

listen fuckers

i said to put a wall in her mouth and you know one of our good listeners yeah one of our good

listeners did the research like audi guy says and he said hey carlito just a just email me

recesses want to let you know i know you meant well but i actually found out today in a class

that you don't put a wall in their mouth because it can make it worse because they could eat the

wall i don't know why it'd be worse except that you get you know they could choke on it yeah no

No, well, as long as they're good-looking, you just shove a penis in their mouth, and then when they're seizing...

You could choke on it.

You'd realize that they would bite on your penis, right?

Yeah, I think that would be really painful.

Well, I'm not a fan of that sort of thing.

I'm not, you donkey.

I really like the chick from Zappos that told the fucking dirty joke, and opened up the whole can of worms for the whole situation.

Well, what's the number for Zappos? I don't know.

Does anyone know the number for Zappos?

I don't know.

I mean, seriously.

Yeah, hold on.

Hold on, I'm grabbing...

Hey, my wife is at a nightclub.

We should prank call it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, hold on.

Zappos.

Where is it?

Why is your number not readily available on your website?

Let's call Brad's number.

Let's call Brad's way away.

Let's call RBCP's number.

Did you give your wife instructions to be home by a certain time?

Or was that just...

No.

Okay.

She's going to come home smelling of canines.

She was on her way home.

What an asshole.

Is her breath going to smell like cock when she gets home?

She's going to come home smelling of Ken Webb.

Oh, my God.

Ken Webb.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, cute.

Jin, whatever it is you said made me laugh.

Hang on.

What did Jin say?

She's going to come home smelling like cologne.

What an asshole.

That's so mean.

Her breath is going to smell like cock.

I put Zappos separate in the Skype chat.

Here's Zappos.

your Zappos while I go pick up

the lamp that just fell over before the

house burns on fire.

So stretch it out.

I would start. I would start. Let me

do this.

Okay, fucking

Zyklon, you start then.

Allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of

DCLP's scheduling team. To better

assist you with your shopping needs, please press

1 for new orders. Thank you for

holding. For quality assurance,

call, be monitored or recorded.

good evening thank you for calling zappos my name is helene how may i help you

hi i was here to complain about the joke of the day it was incredibly bad and i did not find it

funny at all oh i'm so sorry about that sir um do you want uh did you want to speak to a supervisor

or something about it or call our corporate office yeah sure let me speak to the supervisor

okay one moment please sir you know what i want to get up with i want to get a character to speak

I speak just like John F. Kennedy, but it isn't John F. Kennedy, and I gotta call people.

I like John F. Kennedy.

I'm still saying Ted sounds like Bill Gates. We should call Microsoft.

We're on the- we're calling for a supervisor.

I'd like to call, uh, you know, my company every once in a while to see how everything's going.

Yeah, yeah, you could just start messing with them.

I'm gonna do that.

Could you put me through the headquarters?

Me and Melinda and I like to call every once in a while.

I knew- actually, I knew it. I knew it, you fucker.

How's the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation going?

I'm following you on Facebook

I'm seeing what's going on

Over there in Africa with your toilets

That's right

Everyone needs a place to shit

That's preferably not in their house

On the kitchen table

Then sir, why is it that you're for culling 20% of the population?

Culling?

Culling the herd

Culling or calling?

Culling

Killing off

I don't know

Sir?

Yes?

Thank you so much for being patient on hold.

I have my supervisor, Andreas, on the line, and he'll be able to assist you at this time.

Okay.

Yeah, I...

Hello?

Hi, this is Andreas from Devils.com.

Who am I speaking with today?

My name is Larry.

I had a problem with the joke of the day.

It wasn't funny at all, and it offended me.

I actually have some much better jokes, like, did you hear about this new drink?

It's called a Sandy.

It's a watered-down Manhattan.

I like it, though.

No, it's good.

That is funny.

Here's another one.

How do you tell if a black guy is well hung?

You can't get a finger between his neck and the rope.

That is interesting.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to use that one.

But thank you for sharing with us on your insight on the jokes.

I do apologize if any of them came off offensive.

Unfortunately, with jokes, you never know who they're going to accommodate.

We try to make them as simple as possible, you know what I mean?

Because at the end of the day, our goal is never to offend anyone.

one right well here's some other ones like uh oh wait i just forgot i've been drinking i'm sorry

i got let me put on my buddy cross yeah this is cross i got a joke for you the joke of the day

is how many black people died in vietnam the answer is not enough well uh is anything like

anything uh i have taken uh your jokes into consideration i appreciate it unfortunately

like those or any racial jokes being inappropriate for us to use um anything else that was related

that I can help you with?

Well, I do.

Is there a Jew I can speak to?

That is not possible, sir.

Could you use this one?

Hi, this is Bill.

My wife, Melinda, told me this one yesterday.

Last night, Lady Gaga dressed up as a marijuana plant.

Then 20 minutes later, she realized it was Halloween

and ran home and put on a costume.

Interesting.

Well, is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, I got a joke there, Mr. Sir.

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fuck's funny

Thank you so much

I will be in in a call

Thank you so much

That was a good one

That was my favorite one of all the ones

Fuck's funny

Yours is good too

The water down

Manhattan

Sandy's the water down Manhattan got me

I didn't get that

because manhattan hurricane sandy not supposed to be funny yet though hurricane i've heard i've

been told that one all day and every time people are cracking up but yeah jid uh is robinson way

24 7 what is robinson way 24 7 oh no no no no they only uh open business hours uh office hours

that sucks robinson i know there's like everything that i can't think of oh you're the uk because in

In the U.S., it's 24-7, so we might be able to call it.

Yeah, but in the U.S., the population is, what, fucking billions of 300 million people, right?

So, obviously, you need more jobs available, so you work 24 hours a day to solve that problem.

Oh, hey, I wanted to mention before I forget the big news during the week, fuckers, other than the hurricane,

was that Star Wars and LucasArts and Lucasfilm were all bought out by Disney.

and we're going to get a 2015

and it's not going to be directed by George Lucas

and I've already said

no it's not going to suck

the last three suck

because he didn't let anybody else get in there and help out

like he did with Empire Strikes Back

and Return of the Jedi

yeah he didn't do that

and Empire Strikes Back

is the best fucking one that there was

and he didn't direct it

that other guy that recently got problems with throat cancer

forgot his name but he directed that

hey

He's still alive?

Or maybe he died.

I don't know.

That guy, what's his name?

I forget.

I thought it was like in his 40s when Empire was made.

Steve Jobs.

No.

They were all friends back then.

Anyways, episode 15 directed by somebody else.

I'm hoping that it's J.J. Abrams.

Evan Keshner.

J.J. Abrams, man.

That's what I want to see.

Or the guy that directed 300 and he's directing Superman.

Is that Frank Miller?

Oh, no.

I don't think he directed it.

The new Superman that's coming out is directed by him.

I think we should have Guy Ritchie do Star Wars.

Have you guys got Skyfall over there in America, the new Bond film?

Yeah, it came out this weekend.

It's already out over here.

I already went to watch it.

It's really, really good.

It came out this weekend, I thought, didn't it, over here?

Yeah, that game came out Friday.

Was it any good, Jim?

Yeah, I really enjoyed it.

Who is it, Daniel Craig?

Is that the Bond?

He looks like me, man.

He looks like me.

He's a good Bond.

He does fucking look like me.

Look at my picture in Skype.

He's a good Bond.

Your picture in Skype is a question mark.

I don't want you to watch that English man.

Well, you're not...

They say that Daniel Craig is the closest to the actual Bond in the books

because he's, you know, self-deprecating, self-hating.

But that's not true at all because if you look at the...

What is it?

The drawing that Ian Fleming sort of...

Shut up, Dan Stewart.

Fuck you.

She's on the video

She's gonna fuck it all up again

At least it's not Matt McKellick

You know how bad his video is

Has anybody read any of the new Bond books

Like the latest ones are really good

I don't think Daniel Craig looks like Bond at all

Because he doesn't have black hair

And Ian Fleming specifically made that point

The last one I read was Casino Royale

Carlito got a couple of requests

Did you read that the night before you went to bed

Did you get off on that

You cocksucker

The actual prank of the day

And then also the peach fuzz

Zack Snyder

Is the director I'm talking about

You guys want another

Zappos call?

I want to actually hear the joke of the day

So we can make fun of it

I told you the joke of the day

Listen to the joke of the day, shut up

There's a lot of talking over each other

There's a lot of egos in here

I have the biggest penis

It's a sexy, sexy lady

Yeah, you love me.

I always thought Jimmy Darrow was the cop in sight.

Shut up.

Everyone shut up.

Who's doing this?

Why don't you do this?

I'll do it.

There you go.

He's got it.

Dirty Aaron, do it.

Shut the fuck up.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Beth.

How can I help you today?

Yeah, how's it going there, Big Bethy?

Good.

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

Okay, I'm looking for some Air Sambos.

Air Sambos?

Air Sambos.

Uh-huh.

Do you got them?

Do you have a SKU number?

No, I don't have a SKU number.

No, I don't know that we do.

I just called you.

Can you look it up?

I can check it, sure.

Is it S-A-M-B-O?

Yeah, S-A-M-B-O.

They're really popular with the blacks.

S-A-M...

No, we don't carry those.

I don't carry those.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Okay, how about...

uh yeah how about the the air uh here i'll have to spell it out for you it's n-i-g-a-r

air nigar uh no we don't carry those do you have anything serious you'd like to order yeah

because i want new nike shoes yeah we don't carry the brands you're uh referring to oh that's

unfortunate how about do you have adidas we do okay i like the ones with the um they're black

with the with the tan on the bottom and the three stripes on the side you know which ones i'm talking

about i don't no i think they're you don't have a skew number no are you having trouble they're

kind of breathing hard into the phone uh nope not breathing hard at all okay be my fan oh yeah

tan bottom yeah there's a lot of uh the millennium the samba millennium so the samba millennium yeah

Yeah, S-A-M-B-A, Millennium.

Yeah, do they have ones that they come with a shackle sort of on them?

No.

No?

Okay.

Well, the other reason I called is because the joke of the day is a piece of shit.

I don't want you to change it.

Oh, well, we'll work on that for you.

Hey, I've got an, I'm sorry, I'm his brother.

I've got a SKU number.

Could you look it up, please?

Tell me about this.

Sure.

What's your name?

Shut up.

7-2-6-6-4-2-4

What's your name?

This is Cross

Ross?

Yeah, sure, it's Ross

It's for the Oakley Dart sunglasses

Yeah, imagine if it said Oakley Fart

Imagine if it said Oakley Fart, right?

Wouldn't that be awesome?

That'd be awesome, yeah

Totally

I just saw that

I thought I'd share that with you

Hey, Cross

Okay, appreciate it

Cross

Yes?

Can you ask her about the Skechers shape-ups?

because i need to work on my bottom do you have the shape ups i heard they were bad for your back

uh that i don't know about what do you wear what do you like wearing there yeah yeah this is a

sister i've got a skew number go ahead eight zero two eight four five one zero two eight four five

one uh-huh for

the D-K-N-Y plus size

Color block shirt

Yeah, do you think that's big enough for you, Fatty?

Do you fit in the plus size?

Come on, that's not very nice

Listen, I'm the boyfriend of the girl there you spoke to

I would like to know, do you have any slippers or anything there?

So how many of you are there

Playing around tonight?

Well, there's plenty of us playing around

But I would like to wear some slippers tonight

So we can all play together in the house

Listen, I'm sorry, this is Cross

Ross, can you check one last...

Does she hang up?

I ruined it.

I was looking up

plus-sized underwear

and shit.

I'm really glad they got the air sandals

and they really requested them.

That's awesome. Let's find some stuff on there

we can call about. I was going to give her

the skew for the Life Stride dart

and I would do the joke again.

Here's some funny stuff.

Do you have any layaway numbers?

Some on sexy underwear.

wear. None of this underwear is very nice.

We're in the stair, perfect

pair. Send me the link, send me the link.

Zappos. Who the fuck does that?

Ooh, a nice camel toe, lady.

Doc, stranger, send me the bloody...

Okay, I'm sending you. Calm the hell down.

Does anyone have a tranquilizer?

Uh, yeah.

Except I left all the bullets in the car.

Those underwear that you linked

are not sexy at all.

That's what I just said.

I just told you none of the underwear

are very sexy on Zappos.

Look at her little crotch

I'm gonna put it

Has Brad sent you

Any layaway numbers yet

Yeah my browser is doing

Something weird on the laptop

Look at the

Customer items that they also bought

With the unsexy underwear

Birkenstocks

People bought like unsexy briefs

And Birkenstocks

RBCP does it sound good

It sounds great

Great.

How about the shoes I just lent the eager beaver wear?

I just saw that.

I thought that was pretty funny.

What's KDK doing?

Is he still on?

Did he give up?

Did he quit?

I'm not listening to it, but I'm in the chat room, and he keeps saying,

why do you hate me all of a sudden, RBCP?

What do you think?

Because you're a dick.

What's his number so we can prank him?

Yeah, let's call into his show.

I'm just done claiming what Brad was only getting blamed for.

I just posted a very disturbing pair of tights

This is the Jen Stewart show

We're calling to make fun of you

KDK

That looks like something

Call him but be nice to him

We'll say it's the Jen Stewart show

It's not the fucking

It's the Jen Stewart

Saturday Archery show

I found your archery

It's the Ken Webb show

I don't give a fuck

Oh, my, that Nike bra.

I found quality.

Oh, that was a Nike bra?

All right.

I'm ready to call it if you guys want to do that, you know,

call on some of those SKUs and work with it.

That sounds cool.

All right.

I want to do the layaway calls.

What's up with the layaway call?

We'll do the layaway call fine.

Fine.

That's like combat brawl.

White trash.

I want to find a way to get rid of the white trash.

All right, so Brad sent these in.

Brad could tell us what.

They all went to voicemail, though, unfortunately,

but maybe this time they'll pick up.

We'll see.

Did you finish all of the Death Fox calls?

I'll go back to it in a second.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Death Fox.

I'll go ahead.

Nunu is one crazy about some Audi Q5 call for Jim.

He keeps on messaging me.

Oh, it's because Charlie, we found out,

drives an audi q whatever whatever okay we'll do that for him i'll get to that because last time i

looked at death fox and gort the last time i was over there um it was fucking um just that oil call

that i did that went on forever okay i'm doing the first one dirty aaron all right jessica okay

ready jessica and then everybody don't fucking interrupt yes i'm not i don't know we flip

Shut up, Jim.

Jim?

Jim.

Who the fuck is Jim?

Jim Stevens.

Jim Nork.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm the supervisor here.

Did you get something on layaway?

No, I put something on layaway.

That's what I'm saying if you put it in layaway.

Come on.

I'm going to put my associate on.

He's going to help you out because I got a lot of shit I got to do.

Hello?

Jessica.

Yes, hello?

Jessica.

Can you shut your dogs up so I can talk to you?

Okay, my dogs are outside.

I can hear you just fine.

Okay, that's fine.

I'm calling about the clothes that you put on layaway.

Okay.

Okay, we had a bit of a mix-up here.

We had some toys and some boxes get knocked over here in the back.

Okay.

And we just want to make sure we have your clothes.

So what we have here is some...

Can you just sit back and let me get my receipt?

Oh, okay, yeah, that's fine.

First of all, I want to make note of this.

And what did you say your name was?

My name is Brent.

Brent?

Yeah.

And who was cussing?

Huh?

Who was the original caller?

That was Cross.

He's the supervisor.

I don't know who was cussing.

All I could hear was your dogs barking.

Okay, so I want to know who cussed at me.

I want your dogs to shut the fuck up.

so I can continue with this call.

You son of a bitch.

I'm turning you in, Brent.

Okay, go ahead.

I got your phone number.

Fuck you.

Listen, you white trash bitch.

I'm sick of your shit.

Can't afford to put clothes...

Let me call this a supervisor.

Damn, don't mess with my girl, though.

You don't know.

I put my Skype on mute

and I've been sitting here laughing my ass off

ever since those things

look at a lot of shit I know

I've got fucking tears in my eyes

I do too

yeah call her back let me call

the supervisor

I'm going to meet myself again

Brent

what the hell is that

hi this is Larry I'm the layaway supervisor

I just heard some commotion over at the

layaway desk I was calling to see what was going on

Hold on.

Who is this?

Now, who is this?

Hi, this is Larry.

I'm the layaway supervisor.

I just heard a commotion over at the layaway desk.

I was calling to see what was going on.

I don't believe you guys, okay?

And it was Larry.

I'm the layaway supervisor.

Uh-huh, right.

And if Brent is going to call me a white trash bitch, really?

I don't believe you.

Brent doesn't call people white trash unless they deserve it.

So you must have really been white trash.

Is that white trash bitch back on the phone?

Tell that stupid bitch to come down here and get her triple D bra and her triple XL panties.

Pick them up now.

Right.

They're probably for Excel anyway.

Well, you know what?

You guys are being recorded.

So I already have this on recording to report you to your store because you are all liars.

So get off your little fucking rocks and go to hell.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

I don't care.

I got my mail on the box.

Get off your little fucking rocks.

That's awesome.

I hope there's no one named Brent that works there

She didn't defend the fact you called her fat

Can you ring it back

And we'll try to be sincere

And I'll do it and I'll be sincere

Can I call back as Bubba the manager

She's pretty

Yeah Bubba Bubba

You're actually from the company and apologize

Yeah yeah yeah that's what I mean

That's what I'm going to do

I'm here and I found out

Idiot making prank calls

Can we give it a few minutes?

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, just so it's more believable.

Let's let her, because she's pretty heated right now.

Like, let's give it a few minutes so even that story is plausible so I can ache that up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, and then we'll call her back.

Yeah, let's call the next one.

Yeah.

The next one's Vanessa.

All right, with some toys.

Come on, little Jimmy.

I'm not doing this.

I don't know if I can do kids' toys.

everybody we got jim stevens on the on on the air tonight with us jim stevens jim stevens that's you

yeah jim steven i don't know dirty ron everyone's getting new names dirty ron

dirty ron oh clean ron maybe on the next one for kids toys find out what kind of toys they have

and try to turn it real dirty on them your name's no ban all right here's the next one

Quiet

Alright go Ken

Who's doing this

Who's doing this anyway

Ken

Ken's doing it

Alright Ken

Oh I didn't say I was doing it

Oh come on motherfucker

Where's Ted Webb

He's just

Sitting back

Yeah I'll

I'll do it

Ted Webb

Yeah

Kids toys

Oh this person put toys

On

On Lele

Yep kids toys

Vanessa

It's sad I know

K-Mark

Is this Vanessa

it's in the chat

why is that

yeah it's Vanessa

I don't know

it's the ringtone

she ain't gonna answer

that's so gay

yes

that is terribly

creepy

hi most likely

I'm not gonna check

my voice now

why don't you tell them

hi

tell them on their

phone

that it's gay

we have to leave

a message off

is that the cool thing

what it is

that's the music

Milkman's supposed to have

but he's been being

ripped off for the last

That's two and a half years.

Yeah, Milkman.

Why doesn't your shit work like that, girl?

How come Vanessa can make it work and you can't?

What happened?

I'm on Green Game, man.

That was me.

That was me playing the guitar.

No, we need to hack Milkman's ringback tone so it's Justin Bieber.

All right, we got Continence.

Cave your head, Milkman.

This lady's name really is Continence.

I'll pay for that, and then we'll have to do that.

Continence, fuckers.

Motorized kid's car.

All right?

Alright, no guarantee, because when Brad tested the numbers, they went to voicemail.

The first one, luckily, did not.

This is a layaway, yeah?

Yes, and her name is Continent.

What's her name?

Well, that ain't gonna happen, is what it is, okay?

Aw, I was gonna tell them they had to get a specialized license.

They can drive their kid's car.

Bradley Porter, Kid's Toys, last one.

We can't just say the name?

No, whatever.

Sometimes it lets you do that.

All right.

Here it goes.

Whoever had it, I forgot who it was, has it.

Jen.

Ken Webb.

Ted.

Ted or Jen.

Ted.

Write down what they are.

Type in what they are so we know.

Bradley has toys.

You can remember.

What are you, stupid?

Bradley.

Yep.

It's in the Skype chat.

Bradley Porter.

Toy car.

Yeah, see?

It worked for Brad.

What store is it?

Microsoft.

Oh, God damn it.

All right.

We can call the first one again.

Ted, we'll have you call it.

bubba johnson again her name was jessica wait wait wait is this the lady who got really angry

yes all right let me talk to her let me talk to her because i'm gonna be

no i'll relate i'll relate to you how about that i'll say i was gonna relate to you come on oh

because i can be sincere and if i got british accent she might stay on yeah and then you

relate to bubba johnson and it'd be crude i like that good idea good plan guys all right let's see

she picks up yeah everyone else shut up like me shut your hole now you have reached uh try it

again try it again zero hi this is jim stewart jim stewart yeah jim stewart speaking i believe

you got some uh harassing calls earlier this evening is that right yeah we've gotten quite

a few of them yes i'd just like to apologize sincerely on behalf of uh everybody here um

we uh we don't normally have this happen but we've had a team of people who let go this evening

and um basically they've been sitting in the office making very annoying calls to uh members

of the public people from layaways etc etc so we would just like to sincerely apologize uh

if there's anything we can do for you the number that they've been calling from is the number

you're calling from that's right yeah because it's the same office okay well the first call

when i don't know who was the first time they called cross was the first guy that called and

he told my uh wife to tell her dogs to shut the fuck up but like they called me hung up they

called back um oh my mother-in-law white trash bitch and then larry called back who's the

a layaway supervisor and said

that wouldn't... Well, actually,

there is no layaway supervisor. There's only a

senior supervisor, which is myself, Mr. Stewart.

I just... I'm really, really sorry

that this has happened to you, and

at this hour, particularly, this is very

unprofessional, and certainly we would never allow

something like this to happen.

Is it possible to speak to

your wife there? I believe she was

harassed as well. I'd just like to express my

sincerest apologies to her. Actually,

we've got you on speakerphone, so...

Oh, okay. Okay, great. So you're both there.

Thank you very much.

Well, if you've got a few seconds, then I'd just like to apologize sincerely.

And there is actually, if I can do anything, if I can give you some tokens or something,

perhaps you'd like to come by and spend some tokens over here.

Would you like that?

What are you talking about, tokens?

They're sort of vouchers, gift vouchers, if we can give you gift vouchers or any such thing.

Clothing vouchers, perhaps, something.

As an apology, we'd like to extend that to you.

Okay. Can you give me the information, what store were we at tonight?

I'm not sure what store you were at this evening because we've only got here that this team have been calling up certain numbers

and all I have is a list of numbers that have been called this evening by this team.

So I don't actually know where you're from or who you are.

All I know is that you've been called this evening by members of the team who were let go tonight.

night okay and so how can you verify to me who you really are i can only tell you that i'm the

senior supervisor um if there's anything less i can tell you i okay who who is the manager that

i can speak to at that store tomorrow because i am going down there i'll be here at the store

tomorrow i'll be here at the store tomorrow i'm here every day my name is mr stewart you can talk

to me but in terms of your um the call what was it regarding what was the pretense of the call

so I can, you know, I can make some notes.

Okay.

When they first called,

they stated that there was some mix-up with the layaway

that we put on layaway today,

that the boxes had fallen over and it was a big mess.

So they needed to know exactly what items we had put on layaway

so they could get the boxes straightened out.

And so my dogs are outside.

I'm in the house with the doors closed.

They could hear the dogs, and that's when they proceeded to tell my daughter to shut her effing dogs up.

Your daughter?

So I heard what they said to her.

I took the phone from her, and that's when Brent got on the phone with me,

and he told me that if I didn't shut up the effing dogs, and then he proceeded to tell me.

Okay, well, hold on a second.

Shut up, please.

I want you to identify the voice of the person that did this.

Can you do that?

Okay.

I think that you're just messing with me, too.

What do you mean I'm messing with you?

If you're the senior supervisor, why would you be calling me from a number?

What does it matter?

This is all being recorded.

I have an officer standing here.

I don't give a shit, lady.

Listen, I've got your shit on layaway.

I'm going to throw it all in the fucking bin.

I'm going to burn it.

Do you understand?

Okay.

That's fine.

I'm going to burn all your shit and then you can come tomorrow and we'll just tell you to fuck off.

How's that?

You stick your vouchers up your ass.

Yeah, that would be great.

And bring your fucking dogs, too.

Fucking stick them up your ass.

Okay.

All right.

That would be great.

Yeah.

And I'd like to put a .357 bullet right in your fucking dick.

All right?

Fuck you, too.

You've been fucking growing up, okay?

Shut up, bitch.

Come over to the store and talk to me face to face.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

I'll be there.

Yeah, we'll talk face to face, bitch.

Bitch, talk to my man Bubba.

He's going to fuck you up.

Hold on.

Yo, white lady.

I'm going to piss on my bitch's dogs.

I'm going to put a .357 Magnum in your dick.

In your dick.

Oh, my God.

I just, I imagined.

Colin, you need to talk to the cop.

The fake cop.

For some reason, I imagine her being dragged away from the kitchen.

Remember, kids, real men use .44 Magnums.

at the end there i just imagine they were dragging away from the kitchen

yeah because you can hear it going away in the background i'm sorry i didn't bring you in ted

it was just dragging on a bit too long i just thought carlito i got the name of the show right

there 357 bullet in your dick that is the best quote ever come on she tried to keep her she was

trying to keep her composer but it bubbled up she's an angry person she's trying to keep her

Composer there at that last part

And she's like in your fucking dick

Why do we always talk about doing shit to men's dicks

Yeah right isn't that fucked up man

Like

I'm gonna leave the damn dick alone

I'm gonna shoot you in the dick

That's fucking

Nightmarish

That's gorish

We never talk about jamming a gun up there

Yeah

You never shoot a guy

Just do it

You guys have never done gunplay before?

You guys have done gunplay

Milkman does gunplay

Sometimes

It's fun

Gunplay in bed?

I do gunplay with arrows

Milkman started fucking cracking up

Right in the middle of the fucking call

He couldn't even help it

I have myself on mute for the whole thing

Because that lady is too fun

fun i can just imagine actually arlito let's call the turk is the turkish horse still open

yeah oh she she said one sentence to jen and started blocking the number i think it's because

she was on the phone i knew he wanted to have an audi q5 call charlie call it keep bugging me and

was messaging me i don't know if that's on the books or is that off the slate yeah what's what's

the name good point milkman what's the name audi q5 i don't know how many times you said it over

Over and over.

Out of Q5.

I can do this one.

I was going to let you know also.

Can I do one last call before I have to go?

Yeah.

I got you.

Death Fox sent me a thing about free horses, 52 thoroughbred horses need a home.

Sent a number.

They're going to fucking slaughter tomorrow.

What?

Really?

Give it to me, the number.

I'll talk to those fucking cunts.

That's horrible.

All right, listen, guys.

Guys, calm down.

Give me that number.

We have to call that now.

Fucking Zyklon, you have to wait.

All right.

Zyklon has to wait, I guess.

Well, we're supposed to call Charlie.

Call this number.

I'll fucking call him.

This is a serious call.

God.

Hi, you don't like glue?

You don't like glue?

You don't like glue, lady?

All right.

52 thoroughbred horses need homes where they're going to get shot.

Yeah, let me talk to them.

That sucks.

Yeah, man.

Thoroughbreds also?

Wow, man.

All you have to do is masturbate them, right?

Where did you find that ad?

Duff Fox sent it over.

Probably North Alabama.

That's where almost all the other ones are.

Pull that number.

Didn't you say you could just masturbate a horse and he could pay for himself?

I'll masturbate you.

Yeah.

If the shoes don't get in the way.

Hang on, guys.

Jen's serious about animal cruelty.

I got that.

Hang on, guys.

We've reached Flynn.

All the horses have either been adopted or sold.

There are no remaining horses.

We're killed.

Thank you for calling.

Let me leave a message in.

Do you have a message for me for anything else?

please leave it

after the tone

at the tone

tell me one proof

when you have

finished recording

you may hang up

or press one

for more options

yeah bitch

you're lucky

you got rid of

all those 52 horses

cause I would've

come over there

with a .357 magnum

and put a bullet

in your dick

you understand

alright kill it

wow Jen

yeah

that's pretty bad

even for me

yeah

can we stop

with the shooting stuff

jeez

with the penises

Violence on a phone call

is never a good outcome.

The penises on a phone call also gives me

problems, but I'll let you guys slide.

It's Saturday night.

Remember, guys. Nothing near my dick.

That's not funny.

There's one firearm for every 12 men,

women, and children in the world.

The question is, how do we arm the other 11?

Okay. And on that note, I gotta head

off, because I have to be at work in my

gun store early tomorrow morning.

Thank you all for the great calls, and I will see you

you next week.

Bye.

Let's play funny,

not funny.

Come on over

and I'll hook you up.

Yeah, yeah.

It's time to get off

because it's not funny.

You're not funny.

Oh, I know.

Give me the Q5.

Let's do the

Charlie Q5.

All right.

Charlie it is.

Who's going to

pound this?

I got this.

I want to talk

to Faison.

I want to talk

to the bird.

Well, listen,

Faison isn't answering

much lately.

I'll try her again,

but we should really

try to find Faison's

cell phone number.

Definitely.

Yes.

We need to find out the parrot's name.

Where does she live, anyway? I want to maybe go over there.

California.

You want to hit that?

I would, actually. I really would.

Hello, it's a mate.

Charlie. Hello, hello.

You killed it, mate.

Try him back.

Uh, okay.

Is his name actually Charlie?

Charlie's easier.

That's why he tells people to call him Charlie.

A lot of people do that when they moved to North America.

Because people are dumb and can't pronounce people's real names.

A lot of Asians in there.

He's got to turn into the long.

Middle Eastern people.

Indians.

It's like, your name is not Bob.

No, Charlie.

Sorry.

Please leave your message for...

Let's see.

Vietnam.

All right.

I think he's...

He's on.

Jesus Christ.

Asshole.

I think Charlie...

A lot of people have just been calling Charlie off the hook, so...

Yeah, he's been getting those GillyCastKids.com and stuff like that.

Time to find a new Charlie.

Yep.

Time to move on.

Faizan?

Yes, Faizan.

Faizan's closed now.

Excuse me, can I get an answer?

Yes, hello, how are you?

I'm good.

Excellent, I'm good as well.

But how is Faizan?

Faizan is not here, man.

Why is she not there?

What happened?

Is she coming to me?

Hello?

That's an obvious yes.

You know, we've been calling them for almost a year straight.

Yeah.

Yeah, in November.

Yeah, that'll be...

Thanksgiving show, yeah.

Was it Thanksgiving show?

Yeah, it was Thanksgiving show.

I've been calling A1 taxis for like

5-6 years

Yeah we're going to have some horse shows

What are we 3 weeks away from Thanksgiving or so?

I heard it was only 2 or something

I don't know

1, 2, 3

I actually got

Just confirmed I got Friday off

After Thanksgiving

Aren't we all supposed to get shit faced for that show?

Yeah pretty much

What show?

Thanksgiving show

When is it?

It's on Thanksgiving, when your people came and killed the Indians.

We don't have Thanksgiving over here.

Give me the date.

It was, well, it was the 24th.

24th of November.

No, it's not the 24th of November.

It's a Saturday.

Is that what they're doing on a Saturday?

No, it's always a Thursday.

Yeah, it's always a Thursday.

22nd.

It's the 22nd this year.

22nd, yes.

I'll make sure I'm right.

Yeah, because Friday's my last day at work,

and me and andy were thinking about going out to visit milkman for a week but it's coming to the

west coast or what west coast yeah but we were that that week the week that thanksgiving falls

on is only three weeks out so that whole week's out of the picture for travel um so we were

thinking either we're thinking yeah we're not gonna do it until uh december probably you know

that'd be good to get away from the cold weather get to california you need to get in on the

Yeah, Thanksgiving show, Jin.

Fucking everybody wilds out on that one.

Yep.

Yeah, sounds interesting.

If I can, I don't know.

Yeah, maybe.

If I've not got archery practice on the Friday, then definitely I'll do it.

I'm not very thankful then either, so.

We'll introduce you to Ernie.

Ernie, the horse guy.

The brother of Bert?

Yes.

Did you guys want to talk to KDK?

Someone sent me a number that says it's his phone number.

Yeah, let's call KDK.

He's not going to like it.

Do you want to talk?

You do, Jin?

Yeah, I want to talk to KDK. I haven't talked to him in ages to see how he's doing.

All right, talk to him. See how he's doing.

Make RBCD get on with it.

Somebody's laundry's done. Go get the laundry.

That's me. Dishes are done, too.

Laundry time.

Oh, wait.

The number

you have dialed

Is not in service

Well that was a good job

Thanks a lot Brand Frog

I wish someone would take a brand frog

and step on him

I think I have his cell phone number

he gave it out once

maybe it's best not to

because he'll just blow up

his ego will go like a balloon

oh my god they love me

still

this is the way his thinking is

let me go into some

lonesome loser numbers

I'm just saying

this is going to blow me up

coming from the heart

Real men have pride.

Yeah, okay.

Real men have archery arrows.

Are Indian restaurants open over there in Washington right now, do you think, over there where you live, Aaron?

Yeah, in the West Coast, yeah.

I'm talking like some of them might be.

Yeah, the Seattle ones might be, especially on a Saturday night.

Look at San Francisco.

They'll be planning to open in San Francisco tonight.

San Francisco.

Okay.

I live in Oregon.

Ooh, fantastic.

I live in London.

London.

calling? I'm sorry. Private number.

You're sorry that he lives in London?

Yes.

Hello? Yes, is this East

India Grill, my friend?

No, sir. Huh?

No, sir. Then who is this exactly?

This is not East India Grill.

This is my cell phone. Okay, but

they told me that you're the East India

Grill man. You make great bananas.

You killed it, man.

You killed it. He's the guy that I fought with.

The last show that I did, I argued with him

for like a good two minutes really yeah i don't know how i got his loans and sent a number and

it goes to some indian guys so random dude yes but he's still indian which i think is hilarious

so it still works out but he went off yeah i'm trying again i think he kind of remembered your

voice a little bit he kind of like oh man i don't want to get pissed off this guy again

maybe he's in church let me try to talk to him first and then i'll put jen on as my supervisor

supervisor oh shit the supervisor call i like being the supervisor probably won't answer this

time supervise my bow and arrow but i've never done archery in my life i don't even know where

this comes from you're so worried about it gench yeah i'm just because i don't get it i where does

it fucking who came up with that i don't archery of all the sports that you i could have you could

have picked golf for fuck's sake and i would have been happier than archery fucking archery archery

is a gentlemen's sport what do you mean they got the best of the meats it's offensive it's gay it's

like there's nothing involved yes there is wars are won by the archers there's no fitness required

wars are won through archery okay what are you talking about man wars were won through archery

skills compound bow we have to change that's a nobleman sport jen it's not it's a hundred yards

i know you're upset that you fell out with the archery team after the loss but you don't have

have to go around telling everybody that you never played archery we all know because it's

not being an asshole we all know that you're an archer and you're falling from grace but we're

praying for you we got your back stop lying you're gonna come back jen it's a crossbow it's

a crossbow you're gonna do it jen we got your back but it's an insult because those guys have

no fitness and i'm really fit so how can that be i can't be one of them jen real man have pride

Archers have really strong wrists

Mostly from wanking

Yeah I'd be good at

Pleasing myself

We can please the ladies better

Also right Dark Stranger

Use some good wrist action

Two in the stink and one in the pink

I put about three in the stink

Oh wow that's a great picture

Again man

I think that should be your avatar

Is that from his new series

I'm a three in the pink kind of guy.

They're going to love that.

That's fucking brilliant.

Three dicks.

Who are we calling?

Indian Place.

I heard that.

Indian Place.

Airtight.

Hello.

You have reached an Integra mailbox.

Sorry.

This mailbox is full.

That's a piece of shit.

Airtight.

You know,

all we need with that picture is right across.

I don't do archery.

Two in the pink and one in the pink

I like it

Catherine Seville

Here we are, this is a British one

These are all old numbers

I want to do this two in the pink

You saw that picture didn't you Carlito

When I put the

Trending thing up for Twitter

It said Seville sex scandal

And then right across front was

Radio host attacked

That was so you

Catherine's her name

Welcome to voicemail

The person you have called is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Donald Duck spanked his muck on the kitchen floor.

Daisy Duck licked it up, and then Donald spanked some more.

Did Uncle Saville touch you?

Did he touch you good?

And then Darth Vader came in because Disney bought it out,

and he, like, jerked off everywhere.

It was like, ugh.

Here's a de-savile.

You're doing it.

Savile?

Yep.

Yes, good morning.

De-savile.

Do you know what time it is here?

No.

It's time to wake up.

It's time to wake up

I don't give a shit

It's time to get touched

By Uncle Savelle

We want to be touched

We've already called

We've called all those people

A week and a half ago

So they're just like

Oh god these guys again

Probably

These are all the numbers

That I have

Call her back

It's time to wake up

Uh okay

It is

Is it?

Yeah

Over there

I don't know what time it is

Over there

But it's time to wake up

It's time to wake up

You know what

I think

I think she's the one

with the six toilets that's such a great one i'm so gonna use that you've never heard that before

man oh god brilliant genius hello salvo how would you like how would you like two in the pink and

one other stink hello i'm gonna tongue punch your fart box no that's not as good the two in the

thing all right she didn't like that i actually i made that up jen yeah no you didn't yeah i did

and then the whole United States.

Yep, dirty, invented bowling ball grip.

Do you like fish sticks?

That's also one that he came up with.

One in the stink, two in the pink.

Do you like fish sticks, Jin?

No, I don't like fish.

Of course you don't.

You don't like anything.

I'm actually allergic to shellfish.

I can't eat, like, scampi and prawn and all that shit.

That sucks.

Do you like flounder?

No, it doesn't suck.

You like a flounder?

You like that?

Do you like one on the stink?

Two in the pink?

Well, I'm good, boy.

Pink stink.

it's also known as uh the shocker because you kind of you spring it on them yep i used to have

a foam little thing that was the shocker symbol yeah a lot of the race car guys or honda fuckers

have stickers of the shocker yeah on their cars there you go because it's the honda shocker

shockers are also a delicious sour candy uh wow you can buy here in canada i don't know

do not put them on someone's pussy because i don't that would also be a shock you hear that

don't put them on jim's pussy no i'll put two on the stink stick them up inside there you'd like

that wouldn't you we'll talk about along with the gun is this a hello this is a saville all right

i'm putting stupid jim stewart asshole on go ahead yeah hello how are you mr sir how are you this

morning mr several i'm fine how are you i'm mr stewart i've been i've been rehearsing my rhymes

and we've been I've learned a new one I've actually a very sensible one about

two in the stink and one in the pink or one in the pink in two of this is that

is the same thing really isn't it mr. several yeah yeah do you have a nice

young lady there that I can talk to why not I don't have any young ladies in

this house oh are you alone yeah why are you why are you alone I am indeed why

Why? Why? Why? Why is it that way?

Why am I alone?

Yes.

Well, I've got no one to live with, no one else.

What you should do is you should find a nice young lady

and you should put two in the pink and one in the stink to try it.

I mean, I believe it. I'm a bit too old for that.

No, I think you'd be fine. I think they would like it, sir.

Ah, ah.

Have you ever done that before?

Have you ever put one in the stink and one in the pink

and then tried to touch your fingertips together?

Have you tried that before?

You can feel it almost a little bit, you know?

It's an interesting feeling, isn't it?

Indeed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So why are you ringing?

Because I wanted to tell you about my rhymes.

Would you like to listen to one of my rhymes?

I like, I like.

Shut up, let me tell you one.

There was a young man from Quebec who was actually born in the Czech.

His mother's a slut and his father's a mutt, but he's just a pain in the neck.

Yeah.

You like it?

Not bad, not bad.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky-panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill, and now there's little Frankie.

You like that one, don't you, yeah?

Not bad, not bad.

Why is your name Mr. Savile?

Are you related to the Mr. Savile that is on the television?

To which?

You know that man who did strange things to the children with two and a piece?

Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy Savile, yeah.

Yeah, are you related to Jimmy?

No.

Why not?

He spelled his name wrong.

What do you mean if he spelled his name wrong?

Yeah, he has one L.

Oh, is it two L's?

Two L's in my name.

Two in the pink and one in the stink then, isn't it?

Yeah? You fancy a bum this morning, old boy?

No, thank you.

Why not?

I'm still in bed, I'm fussed.

But you should awaken yourself and get up in this nice hour.

Oh, good lord.

What?

Before it rains, I'm not interested in getting up.

But I want you to be interested, I want you to wake yourself up and levitate yourself.

Have you ever levitated?

No, don't, don't, it's dangerous.

What?

Oh. Why not? I want you to do it.

I have a lady friend here. She took two of the... in the stink earlier. I want you to talk to her.

She's a nice lady. She will come and see you and satisfy your desires.

She's a young lady. You like young ladies, don't you?

Yes, yes and no.

Yes, of course. Yeah, so talk to my lady friend there. Her name is...

Hi.

Yeah.

I think he likes young gentlemen by the sound of it.

He's more interested in you.

What are you interested in, sir?

sir. No. No.

Thank you very much.

No, no, no. Do you like sitting

on potatoes, sir?

Yes, you do.

Sod me. Vegetables?

Sod me. Sod you, you fucker.

He's like, sod you? Sod me.

Sod me.

That's the guy that told me, that's the guy that said to sod

off a few weeks ago. Same guy.

Is it really? Isn't that the guy, that's the guy who got to

flush the toilets, isn't it? Sure, he's still on the line.

I think he did flush a toilet or two.

He flushed one, yeah. And he said, oh,

Oh, shut up.

I'm the one who stuck his fingers in the water.

Yeah, that's right.

He did.

He stuck his finger in the water.

Is it cold?

Did he stuck his two fingers in the wink?

Was it the one that I asked how if the water was hot or cold and he told me it was boiling?

Yeah.

That might be it.

Who was that?

Barling.

He stuck his two fingers in the sink.

Two in the sink, one in the pink.

Jen, you're cracking up over a joke that I heard, honestly.

Honestly, I think I was in high school when I heard it, back in the 90s.

Yeah, but you're fucking American.

Yeah, but you're really, really, really old.

Yeah, but you're really old.

If you have a problem with James, just refer to it as the bowling ball.

It's the same thing.

Whatever, man.

If he finds it funny, he finds it funny.

I think it's brilliant.

The bowling ball.

I like that thought.

How could I not have thought of that?

How could you not have thought of that?

Where's that number?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You should call that number that Dark

Stranger just put in with a stolen bike.

You also have the one from Death Fox about

someone looking for a truck under a

grain. Yeah. Anybody

want that truck? Can you do a prank?

You haven't done a prank all night, I don't

think, have you?

No, probably not. Fine.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. This guy lost his bike.

Hold on a second. This is a guy who's had his

bike stolen. No, it's a woman who

lost her bike. Well, we could just say

we stole it. Yeah, I was about to say

claim you stole it and you're holding it for

Yeah, yeah, yeah, call her.

I'm done.

Yeah, brilliant idea.

Brilliant.

Here we go.

You got to call the truck.

Are you going to call the bike or the truck?

No, the bike, the bike.

Call the bike.

Jim, tell me if you can get top-down and out of the country.

No, I'm taking it back to the UK to pick up.

You have reached Chris Trico's voicemail with Nick Peninsula Young Life.

If you please leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll...

Sorry, man.

That's such a shame.

I would really have done that well.

Well, maybe the second...

Sometimes tonight, they've been answering the second time.

So here, retry this.

Yes, let me try.

Let's say I didn't try.

What's the time over there?

It's about to change back.

12.30, isn't it?

I don't know if it's 1.30 or 12.30.

I don't know if time changed yet.

One of those.

2 o'clock, the time will change.

So then it's still 1.30.

You have reached Chris Treacon's voicemail with the mid-convention of your line.

Oh, that's a pain in the ass, isn't it, really?

Please leave your name, number, and a brief message.

Do you want to leave a message or no?

I'll leave a message, yeah.

At the tell-in, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

yeah hi this is

jim stewart i stole

your bike and i'm

keeping it and i'm

taking it with me

back to the united

kingdom that's

everything hi fuck

you bye

like i'm running

it right now

straight to the

point

it'll be funny i'm

calling you from

your bike right now

i'm running it

oh that's so

good

right in front of

your fucking house

right up and down

the street

i just start ringing

the bell on it or

something you know

oh but yeah

i'd start going

oh bike i even

put a little

bell on it. What do you think?

I love it.

Dildo seat.

Alright, call that one

with the truck now and let old Dirty Aaron

get a hold of him. Truck.

Poor Dirty Aaron. I am looking for a

decent looking truck that runs good

for my son who is turning 16

for under $1,000.

Please text or inbox.

Well, I don't know if he's going to answer

this son of a bitch. Let's see.

We'll see. I'm going to tell him that

my son lost his virginity in the

truck and so his son can do

the same. Yeah.

And you've got the love stains to

fucking prove it dirty. Gross.

Gross. Hey, talk to your son about it.

He's the one that did it. Hey, that's

gross. Tell him that your

son keeps his used

condoms as trophies under his mattress.

See what he says.

I knew someone in high school that was

rumored that he did that. And he showed it to a

girl and she decided not to fuck him.

And she, he was threatened to get a .357 in the penis.

In a pink.

That was the best quote ever.

Come on, that is so good.

In the penis.

Were these Alabama?

Where do we say they are?

Yep.

Just one of those things that pops out of something.

Like a penis.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

0-5-2-6-9-2-0.

Shut up.

I just really can't believe the first thing that came to her mind out of everything was,

I'm going to take a .357 bullet

and put it in your penis

that's so random isn't it

I would think of something more like

I'm going to take a fucking plastic fork

for my McDonald's breakfast to cut your dick off

or something like that

I swear to god I have said it before but I just imagine

her like she was on

speakerphone just listening and

being calm and then she's like

well I've been here anyway

from what I remember of it and it got to another argument

but she was trying to remain civil

like I got a deputy here

here and i'm listening and i'm recording and all of a sudden like she like realized like

just lost it but she's been getting fucked over for an hour yeah she's like i'm gonna get a

fucking 357 and i'm gonna show you but he's just saying the cock well i don't know i don't remember

what she said that's who's fucking hauling her away as the fucking deputy just showed up in three

minutes man man you can't fucking she's like talking to the speaker like this the phone like

Like, what's up? What's up?

But, like, the weather taking her away, you know?

Her husband's taking the phone to the other room.

She's fucking getting pulled outside by the cop.

It sounded just like she was being dragged away.

Like, all right, get her out of here.

She's gone nuts.

She's yelling at the cop, hold me back.

Hold me back.

She never denied the 4XL panties.

She didn't get mad about that.

She was defending her dogs.

Actually, she sounded quite fit.

I'm sure she was.

Quite fit. Quite so.

You say that about, like, lots of women.

Oh, I say that about all women, baby, because I love women.

They make me very horny.

No matter what size?

I don't really care.

I'd fucking pound anything.

Anything.

Someone's going to record that.

Would you fuck a milkman?

No, he's a man.

Are you sure?

If he was a milkwoman, I might.

We've heard from many of his sexual victims from his cab days.

honey all right listen shut up we're that's what we're doing everyone's shut up jose claims he's

trying to call in he's fucking throwing a fit i because jose bothered me all day for the last

three days so i put him on call block because he doesn't stop calling he's weird that's why

oh shit just got real jose he's weird jose you're weird man i would have let you on but

I look around like, Jose, and he's like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's how he talks.

Jose, or Jose.

Jose.

So he kind of sounds like Richie.

He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, he's going to town in the chat.

He's like, hey.

He left me a voice.

You want to hear Jose's weird, creepy voicemail?

I'll play it for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I'm saying I heard it and I got scared.

I was half-dressed when I heard it.

I was getting ready in the morning.

Maybe you're playing to piss people off.

That really freaked me out, man.

There you go.

I'll be looking behind you.

Remember the Jim Nobles call?

What?

Jim?

Jim Nobles, the guy that called you out and was like saying,

I'll be standing behind you.

Yeah, you really fucked with me.

I'm going to kill you.

Some weird shit, that guy, Milkman's friend.

I got paid, man, and I'm trying to get some new information on him, man,

getting back on the line, man.

He was a lot of fun.

All right, listen.

Shut up.

Yeah, damn it.

Two beeps.

Nice.

I'm ready to eat something.

Am I?

Yeah.

Okay.

It keeps cutting in and out.

Jose, I don't know about you.

Yeah.

God damn it.

I'm drunk as hell, and I don't know what I'm doing right now.

What are you doing?

I'm back, salt and everything, and yeah.

I'm, like, sure happy right now.

I'm the, like, sure happy right now.

Oh, two beeps.

Nice.

It keeps cutting in and out.

That's how it recorded.

That's another problem.

I caught his shit.

yeah but he's saying when he starts whatever you hear about it's like oh weird i don't know

because he's getting cut out or maybe just because you know whatever i thought maybe it was

maybe it is just because it was cutting out like that um but you know dude it creeped me out it

made me feel weird i was you know in the middle brushing my teeth and all i had was my underwear

on and i heard that and i don't need to hear that first thing in the morning jose when i'm getting

getting ready to go to work, and it kind of creeped me out.

You heard some shit like, oh, fuck, yeah, Carly, I'm going to talk to you.

And then the next few days he kept trying to call on Scuppin,

and I was scared he was going to leave more rude, crass.

Was he trying to video chat with you?

I don't know.

I don't know, man.

Oh, get on the camera.

Hey.

Man, stay away from any penis images, man.

You get too many on your computer, you know what happens.

I just really quick on a serious note, our good friend the dad,

We got breaking news.

He just found out his grandma is about to die, and he's on his way to the hospital.

So we just want to say, D-Dad, your prayers for you and your family and your grandma are with us.

Yeah, well, I didn't pray, but, yeah.

And Grandma D-Dad fixed the best pierogies, too, man.

She rocked, man.

We all be happy, D-Dad.

Yeah, he's real close to his grandma.

That's bad, man.

I'm sorry, D-Dad.

Yeah, man.

Bad ass pierogies.

any fucking family member of yours is a family member of the pollution there you go so ted webb

dropped out but we got ken dirty aaron dark stranger jen stewart uh milkman of course and

death box yeah i'll send some numbers to y'all since y'all need numbers i'll start looking up

numbers hold on make it so you know what we should do is you should bring that motel 6 again and see

if we can like uh arrange an orgy in a certain room again i'd really like to get that working

me hey be nice to jose i'm just i was just kidding i'll take him off a block he was just

he called me a few times today and i was in a bad mood and i said god damn it son of a bitch

yeah that's what we'll call her that's the ticket that's what you want sure mr guy hey i'm looking

for a different number sure to call in the meantime while you work on that oh here you go

This was just an hour ago

It was posted one hour ago

So it should answer

Should it?

Purses for sale

Yeah

Alright put it on

You saw that it was a misprint

You thought it was pussies for sale

I got the swap shop numbers here also

I forgot about that

Those are good to stand by on

We got for sale

Extra large

Extra large wire dog crate

Let me know if any of these stick out at you

Call the wire dog crate

And tell them you want to stick

Like your fucking retarded brother

Or some shit in there

Tell them you want to stick

Two in the pink

and one in the stink oh god i'm looking to buy some eight slim boys jeans i posted some numbers

in chat that's really disturbing jim you keep repeating that that's like a because that's so

cool i'm just the start i'm actually gonna use that how old are you man it's a homosexual term

jen i don't think i'm gonna be homosexual you plonker you donkey you think about it you donkey

you fucking you archer you think about it i am thinking about it you plonker you think you

He's an archer. He didn't

deny it. Large tank

aquarium pumps, filters,

rocks, and greenery for $50.

Hell yeah, man. Let's get us

off an aquarium, man. We'll cover

in cellophane and we'll make a bong out of it.

Let's tell this guy. Yeah, and grow marijuana in it.

I just put some in the chat, too.

You get a bucket of water.

Yeah, I saw today that the big fad

for marijuana growing is that

they receive strains now

that are self-

flowering so you don't they don't need the light photosynthesis oh yeah plenty of those yeah that's

an awesome idea you know you gotta do this plan and then yeah wow three in the pink i said that

one i said that's more my style hello can you this is bob yeah bob you have for sale the large

tank aquarium pumps filters and all that all the insides oh yeah yeah do you have the tank also or

or just the aquarium pumps?

No, we don't have the tank.

We have just the setup for it.

Did you break the tank?

Uh, no.

That's what happened.

No, the tank got sold.

Okay.

Oh, man, because, well, I could use the pump still,

but I take those tanks, and I weld them,

and I put glass on top, and I seal it with epoxy,

and we put marijuana in it,

and then we smoke all the marijuana out of the aquarium tank.

Yeah.

You got rid of the glass then?

I don't got anything, any glass.

Well, the pumps, I can probably put some stuff in there, right?

You think that maybe that's just all airtight, right?

You can do whatever you want to do.

That sounds good.

I could plug it in and just put it in my mouth and sit there and be like,

you know, and get baked.

Hey, you know that, you know, you ever heard the saying,

two in the pink, one in the stink?

You ever heard that before?

Isn't that, like, old?

killed him man

I just wanted to prove to Jim how old I was

and the question of the evening is

where's your tranny

have you done the two in the pink one in the stink

without knowing what it was

of course man but I've never said that

like that

that well what was his name jen come on share with us next time jen's doing is gonna be your

mother next time he's just gonna yell it out he's just gonna start screaming two in the pink

oh what next time i'm gonna say that i'm gonna actually say that next time he's gonna start

he's gonna start giggling down there that's it let me bring some bed and i'm gonna fucking jen's

fucking sitting there with her he yells out two in the pink one of the stinks he rears back his

fucking hand and just fucking gives her the shiver right the shiver okay well it's gonna

gonna be difficult when she's sitting but i'm gonna fucking it's gonna be great the shiver you're

not supposed to do it in the supermarket that's called rape no fuck that i'll do in the supermarket

we're just going to change your room or something why don't you go to your house i put a number for

boring me i'll fuck her everywhere you can fuck her in the kitchen how are you gonna take her

bowling kitchen a living room i'll do it in the shed put her head in the stove no man i'm not like

you man you're a sadist is she jewish put her in the oven like you take a shower then i will put

Put your head into the oven.

That's what your grandfather would do.

Gotta keep the woman in the kitchen.

Look at that number that somebody sent in about the piano.

We takes a shower, Juden.

Time for a shower.

And then push your girlfriend into the shower.

Do that, Jen, next time.

Keep calling her Juden and tell her to get in the shower.

You know where the two in the pink, one of the stink type thing is coming from, you know, being so old?

I bet Jen hasn't even heard of Meatspin.com yet.

Yeah, you should go to Meatspin.com.

Okay, I'm going to log out.

One second, one second.

Hey, Jim, why did the chicken

cross the road?

Whoa, shit!

That's old as fuck, too, man.

Seriously.

Lemon party?

Yeah, I know that one.

What about Blue Waffle? BlueWaffle.net.

You ever been there?

Jim, have you seen Two Girls, One Cup?

No, I know about it, but that's not my thing, man.

I know some people are really fucked up.

I'm not into that.

That's nasty.

You got a Blue Waffle on BlueWaffle.net?

Hurry up.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, I called a guy about a car on Thursday and told him that...

That's fucking disgusting.

Fucking horribly disgusting.

Yeah, it's the Blue Waffle.

Oh, no.

I called a guy about a car on Thursday and told him that that was my website,

and he must have looked it up while I was on the phone.

Oh, shit.

He was like, you know what that website is, right?

And I was like, yeah, that's my website.

Jesus Christ.

Which website was it?

Blue Waffle or Meat Spin?

Blue Waffle.

I loved the one we called the Asian Addicts.

What's wrong with people who make these kind of websites?

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

We need to call those kind of people.

Yeah, I got the Asian Addicts to go to that.

They're like, what's up with the show, man?

There's some faggot shit out here, man.

The Meat Spin, he was like, man, there's some faggot shit here now.

And then a week later, he went to Blue Waffle.

And then he's like, man, this is nasty here to some girl with her pussy all out.

anyway listen yeah jim we kept telling we were on the beat spin network actually then we have we

had a uk water now we had a uk water call where the guy we told them i was in blue waffle um

water machines or something and he went to look it up on the he went to look up the website so

look up our website if you don't believe me he's like fine i'm looking it up what's the website

and i sent it to blue waffle.net and he's like you're he's like you're lying to me blue waffles

was a porn site i could see it right here it's right in front of me he was like aghast about it

kind of but he was keeping his composure you could kind of tell he was shaking good times i was a

younger guy in the uk you don't we don't get those a lot anymore we seem just to get the older crowd

yeah they're all pensioners yeah they're the only ones that have you're not bringing the right

places young people you should ask for the young people do you know what time it is so it's because

It's Nunu's just calling all of his friends,

the 80-year-old pensioners.

Yeah, I got that.

Hey, Carlito, we need you to call some of the UK numbers

and then do that.

Do you know what time it is you bust out that dramatic music

on them again?

Yeah, gotcha.

No, let's have Jin call a Wurlitzer.

Free piano.

Yeah, yeah, call that one.

Is that in the chat?

Play Big Ben's bells in the background when you call.

Play Big Ben.

Don't play anything.

I want to get them to play.

That's the idea.

idea what are we doing here this computer no uh last thing i put the piano in oh i gotta scroll

down jewish deli no hang on let me go up rbcp says he's trying to get down most customer numbers

right now hell yeah dude i found a list of 24-hour restaurants in the uk do you want me to

list some of them 24-hour restaurants in the uk yeah and those bastards who in their right mind

who in their right okay this is again no business at three o'clock in the morning

Yeah, shh, everybody shh

Hello, hello

Hello

Yeah, hi, I'm calling about the piano

Yeah, is it still available?

It is

Okay, can you tell me a little bit about it?

Is it in tune? When was the last time it was tuned?

Tell me about it

Um, we've never had it tuned

You've never had it tuned

Can you go over and like, maybe, I don't know, play on it a little bit?

Or just press a few keys down so I can hear it?

Yeah, perfect

Yeah, she's really bad

Okay

Yeah, it sounds terrible

It sounds really bad

It would probably make better firewood than it would anything else

Are you sure you don't want to just, like, make a firewood out of it?

Thank you.

Bye.

Yeah, bye.

Man.

Oh, holy shit, Carlito.

Maybe she wants to be in our bed, Carlito.

Hey, Carlito, it's fucking 1 o'clock again.

What the fuck just happened?

Oh, man, it's trippy.

Yeah.

Well, I'm two minutes behind.

2.30 again.

It's not.

It's 6 o'clock in the morning, and I've been up since 3, and I've slept five hours.

So?

So what?

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

So you guys don't have any issues.

Yeah, well, hey, that's right.

right remember we called last year during daylight savings time we called the uk because they have

daylight savings time like a day like three days before us no not three days it's a week apparently

because you guys said you're having it today right yeah we had it last week it changes every

year the you one of them doesn't stay the same i think it's the uh the american one keeps bouncing

around yeah the u.s one they made it to go after the fuel cost uh a couple years ago bush had that

That thing changed from the original times.

Which way is it going?

Are we going to gain an hour or are we going to lose an hour?

Lose an hour.

I'm supposed to take 24 hours.

It's a rollback.

You fall back.

So at 2 o'clock, after we come 1 o'clock?

Again, yeah.

It's 1 o'clock now on the East Coast.

Yeah, you got me.

I'm at 11.

Cool.

Thank you.

The real reason is that the candy companies lobbied the Congress and the President to

keep it open

longer for Halloween.

So it's dark? Oh, it's lighter

for Halloween. Okay, yeah, yeah, totally.

You got a point. Yeah, because

I remember being nighttime

when I used to go to trick-or-treat and stuff,

and it always kind of made it kind of cool.

You know, you get that darkness out there

and it's scary, you know.

Right, and then you get

raped and finger-blasted.

You get two in the pink shop.

You get two in the pink.

You get four in the brown.

four in the stink

you guys just get a whole fist up your ass

and you get a

357 in your dick

you get a fist up your ass

and a gun in your dick

anybody want a hotel in England

or Scotland anybody

let me speak to

those two numbers I just

posted or 24 hour restaurants

in London

before that we got the

hang on I'll post it

it sounds like a better idea we're still gonna do the truck for under a gram well it can't be

plus one can it that that's the wrong number you put in there i don't know how to do i don't know

the area because i just it's plus four four and then the rest of the number well then there you

can fix them you fix it that's what i'm calling there big guy yeah you call it then i'm talking

to um ted while you while you get well people will figure out those numbers i'll get to him

in a second this one ted wants is a hotel in england all right all right you see it in the

the chat it's in the chat i put it for you sasha's hotel in greater the greater manchester

yeah i know a girl called sasha i'm gonna ask her if she likes the pink you do that trust me

wear a glove when you do that man you don't know where she's gonna give a shit

portland thistle hotel same place different number she called people in great list

who are looking for friends.

Why would you go to Craigslist for that?

All the weird friggin' murderers and shit.

Well, that's why.

That's scary.

You know Gillycast guy?

Yeah.

He calls up people on Craigslist

who are looking for companionship.

Nice.

Hello, reception.

Hello.

Hi, can I help?

Hi, yes.

I would like to stay at your hotel there.

Right.

When would you like to stay?

I would like to arrive on November 14th, 2012.

12.

Nyanya nya nya.

Hello?

What the fuck?

All you do is sing like a cat.

You're a bad person.

You can sense it.

I imagine Ted just holding a cat.

Nyanya nya nya nya.

That's a terrible song.

That's the kind of song I sing to my cat when I'm holding her.

You see Ted with a cat.

Holding it like nyanya nya nya nya.

That's something I would do.

Nyan Cat, yeah.

Nyan, nyan, nyan.

It's a cute thing.

Is that the same number?

Yep.

Let me do it, then.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, we'd like to...

Yeah, we'd like to order a room there, please.

Would you like to check in there on the 14th of November?

Nyan, nyan, nyan.

Is that right?

Yeah, I would like to...

Can I book that room, please?

I'm not taking your shit.

Nyan, nyan, nyan.

14th of November, nyan, nyan, nyan.

here's scotland they're the friendliest people there the ardo hotel i love the scots you can

take out a flag i'm wheelie hey we never got to calling zappos with the uh the weird um

fucking shit for sale like the underwear what happened yeah it was the other thing

spastic lady the uh what was it seizures we never even heard the joke of the day

Yeah, we got to call back.

The hell, man.

The hell.

It's Sunday now, depending on where they're at, so we're going to get a new joke of the day.

Oh, they're West Coast.

That's a West Coast kind of place, man.

You can tell.

They got toys and bicycles and tricycles in the workplace.

They think they're so fancy.

They're Web 2.0.

20 Thief shit going on.

Web 2.0.

You can bring your dog to work and shit.

Come off right in the office.

Rob's a good boy.

Good morning, Arta Hotel here, speaking, how can I help?

Hello?

Hi, it's Arta Hotel, how can I help?

Yeah, I'd like to book a room for...

Arriving on November 14, 2012.

November 14?

Yes, 2012.

Hello?

Just give me a second, I'm just going to do the system, okay?

Alright, hurry up, I'm a busy man.

Nyah, nyah, nyah.

No, you can't say that.

Is it a double room you're looking for, or a...

Yeah, because I'm coming with my wife, I need two beds.

That would be 95 pounds

Yeah I kick and punch in my sleep

So we have to have separate beds

Yeah man

I think hotels are used to prank calls though

They're just going to get it every day

Speaking of hotel prank calls

Where the fuck is UK Ted

I was just about to say the same fucking thing

He's a soldier now

You can't fuck with that guy

What do they call it

Is it the SS or something like that

Isn't that the Special Forces?

Special Services?

Aren't they the same page as Domino's customers in the chat?

Oh, shit.

Yes.

Yeah, the SS is the German Nazi one, stupid.

First of all.

You like my lamp?

I love lamp.

If UK Ted gets upset at you now, like Jim was saying, he'll shoot you in the dick.

So think about it before you do it.

They don't have guns.

They just have those in the UK.

They just have those little rubber things with rocks in them, and they hit you with them, like the bobbies.

Yeah, they're called dildos.

They use paintballs now.

Black fists.

Hey, we got Buga Korean BBQ in San Diego.

Maybe they're open still, right?

Maybe not.

Oh, wow, wow.

Hey, Stockcraft.

It's 54 in Hawaii.

Yeah, those weird people.

No, it's 357.

It's a decent hour.

That's in your dick.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's in your dick.

How's your pizza, lady?

We had a caller, and you guys talked over it.

You lost him because you were talking about dicks.

That's what I said.

Let me find...

I gotta pee.

What do we do?

I gotta pee really bad.

Oh, go pee.

We'll just bicker among ourselves.

Probably.

I'll play a prank, but don't you guys start talking over it.

Like, every time that I try to play a prank for the people, when I go to edit, it's like

trying to hurt cats.

No, you guys are still out there.

It pisses me off when you do this.

Lemon powder.

I don't want to hate that prank.

I'm going to mute myself.

Good.

I'm going to go pee-pee, too, I think.

Yay, my pee-pee.

Remember, if you shake it more than three times, it's masturbation.

No, I'm going to have a wank.

All right, Dr. Nargis here.

Everyone shut up for three minutes while I pee and wash my hands.

Are you trying to get us to bicker?

What a stupid hit.

Brad forgot how to make phone calls.

That's why he doesn't want to come on.

Hello?

Shut up.

Yes, hello.

Hello, this is Dr. Nargas. May I speak with Don Carlos, please?

Yeah, this is Juan Carlos.

Juan Carlos, this is Dr. Nargas. How are you?

Fuck you.

Hey, fuck you, man. Come on. Come do my painting for me, please.

You gotta be fucking shitting me, you fucking stupid-ass, dumb-ass, fucking whore-ass doctor.

Is that all you know how to say to a doctor? You know I'm the man of the call.

Yeah, shut the fuck up. You probably gotta be a fucking beaner to be doing this at this fucking time.

Hey man, my shoes cost more than you get paid this week.

Shut the fuck up you fucking crimey ass dick.

How much you get paid this week?

Bitch, more than you, that's for sure.

I'm a doctor, how is that possible?

How is that a doctor and then what are you a fucking dumbass dick?

Look, I'm a bad doctor, I do bad things.

I know you're a fucking bad doctor, you fucking like to stick your finger up your asshole.

I do and then I make people smell my finger.

You do the fucking prostatic sense to yourself.

I make people smell my finger.

Yeah, go suck a dick, bitch.

Yours? How much is it?

How much is what?

Your dick.

My dick?

How much is it? How much?

It doesn't have a price for you, you fucking gay queer bastard.

I'm a gay queer doctor and I make abortions.

Yeah, why don't you go fucking sit on a black dick?

I do. But you don't tell me what to do because I'm a doctor.

I'll tell you what to do. I'll tell you to go suck a fucking dick, motherfucker.

How many times are you gonna say that word, man?

You don't know anything else to say?

Yeah, I can tell you I'll fuck your mother.

Yeah? How many times are you going to fuck her?

Hold on a second.

Okay.

How?

Yes, hi, this is Dr. Nargas, and someone was calling me here making bad noises.

Yo, yeah, it's me, motherfucker. What the fuck are you doing this time for?

What do you sound so high for, man?

Is that all you do? You sit around drinking Corona, painting houses, getting high?

Reef of madness?

Yeah, motherfucker, what do I do for you?

How do you money make, man?

Excuse me?

How do you money make?

How do I make my money?

Well, how you money make?

What do you mean, how my money make?

How you money make, stupid.

It's not that hard to listen, how you money make.

You must, man, you're a bad, you smoke, you sniff the paint.

I think you put a straw in the paint bucket and you drink it, man.

Yo, why don't you go suck a dick if you can't even fucking spit?

My homie already that, and I said, I don't do that, because I'm a dog.

Yeah, why don't you go suck a dick, that's what he said.

Hey, man, I'm back, I even got some pretzel logs.

I'm so excited, I'm gonna eat some pretzels.

hey guys yo dog come back let's do this shit no it's a high risk area dark stranger what's going

on with the top one is uh still is it in prep mode is it what stage is it under report is she

peeing oh she'll take forever she's a girl right she's got to take her cotton pony out if it's

already been delivered you can say that uh uh an employee had an accident fucking blood got in the

the sauce but it slipped through the cracks and got delivered anyway there's a condom there's a

condom only has two out of the three major stds her pacific on aids all right who's doing this

anyway i'll do it all right here you go fine do that start off with that get him some dick cheese

pizza it's vicky yep yes hello is this big vicky yes it is vicky this is brent calling from oh yes

okay uh yeah how's it going here we seem to be having a problem with the tracker with the pizza

It's a tracker. I have down here that you have a hand-tossed pizza with pepperoni, large, 14-inch. Is that right?

17th for 10 pizzas.

Oh, I see what's happened.

So that's what's happening with the tracker is that I think we've accidentally delivered 10 pizzas to somebody else's house.

So can you go ahead and just go ahead?

ahead okay it's set up for the 17th and we're going to come pick it up it's for school yeah

yeah okay well right now i'm in washington dc so that's why it's throwing me oh yeah i understand

well that's why it's not coming up in the tracker right now because they're not being made yet

oh good yeah that is good so um yeah so probably what's going to have to happen is that we're

going to have to bill you for these pizzas that uh some of them have already been made

and then we'll have to go back later and see if we can fix that.

I'll check with you. I'm back into town on Wednesday.

So I'll come back and buy at the store and check and make sure everything got cleared up.

Okay, that's fine.

Well, we'll just go ahead and debit you for the full amount now

and then take care of the rest.

You couldn't debit me because you have no credit card or anything.

We're paying cash.

Oh, well, I better talk to the manager about taking an order like this

without confirmations.

Hello?

Let me get the manager.

Hold on a second.

Cross?

Yeah, hey, this is the manager here.

All right, so you made an order on the 17th, was it?

Yes.

For 17 pizzas?

No, on the 17th we're having 10 pizzas,

and we're going to come in and pick them up.

All right.

10 pizzas on the 17th.

17th, 10th, 17 pizzas.

No, 10 pizzas on the 17th.

right exactly all right so the computer put down an order here for you now and we made a bunch of

pieces and we have a driver halfway over to the home well she doesn't have a home address well

they're on the school they're probably sending them to the school now then well well this is

going to have to be paid for then that's not fair i'm not paying for your mistake no you didn't put

it in right you put it you should submit and it did the order you're going to check it right for

For a different date?

You didn't save that option.

Nope.

Is it a joke?

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm eating breadsticks because my sugar's low.

They're dry.

They're the old ones.

Look, you put an order in for 17 pizzas or something on the 17th.

All those pizzas are halfway on the way to this elementary school.

And I noticed there wasn't a payment made for it yet.

Yeah, and when I got on Brent's case here, because he keeps screwing up and running around

and screwing up, and he knows not to put down the orders that don't have a credit card on file

if it's for more than four pizzas.

I'm sorry, I was smoking marijuana on my break.

Yeah, and they're over here smoking marijuana cigarettes all the time.

Gross, gross, gross, gross.

I went out on a delivery, man.

There ain't nobody at that fucking school.

Is this some kind of joke?

The school's closed right now, isn't it?

Yeah, somebody's playing fucking games with us.

Lady, what's the deal here?

We're ordering all these fucking pizzas.

Are you running a joke on these people?

We're people, too.

Hey, lady.

Hello?

Is this a joke?

Vicky, you need to pay for these 17 pizzas, 10 pizzas, or whatever it is, 17.

I don't even know.

Okay, well, check the calendar today, November 17th.

No, you put an order for 17 pizzas today.

Bitch making me run out of my gas and shit, fucking prank calling us.

Yeah, now he didn't get his delivery fee or his tip or anything like that.

Now I've got a tip in myself out of my pocket.

God damn it.

I'm canceling the whole order right now.

You're not getting anything on the 17th until you pay tonight's balance.

At the very least, you could apologize to the driver and offer to cover his gas on the 17th.

This bitch is probably eating five of the fucking pizzas herself.

Well, hello, Vicky.

Okay, you know what?

I've just recorded this

phone call

I'm just going to go ahead

and send it on to National

because you know what this is incredible

yeah

they pretty much let us do whatever we do here

they got like very little

oversight from corporate on us

I'm just going to let you know

if you can find a phone number let me know

because I'd love to be able to talk to one of those motherfuckers

but they never answer my calls

put her on hold for a second

All right, I'm going to put you on hold for just a moment, Vicky.

Thank you.

Hey, Toro still delivered the pizzas on the 17th,

but I'm going to put my balls in the pizza.

All right.

Okay, Vicky, are you there?

Whoa.

No, she's gone now.

I'm going to put my balls in the pizza.

I can't believe she stayed on for that long.

Sorry, when I get tired, I start to ramble.

I forget what I'm doing.

That was good.

She didn't say it.

Hey, Hermano.

Yes.

I'm on a looking at a Gort channel real quick, man.

No.

Real quick.

Why?

You got a problem with Nunu?

It's called a...

Yeah.

I got a long article here, man, of accusations.

Check it out.

You got to sleep now because you're working four hours from now.

Sorry, bro.

All right.

Bye, Milkman.

Take care.

Bye, Milkman.

Hey, man.

Y'all doing a great show.

Sounding very good.

So good to hear all our classic, classic members here.

Man, what a great night, guys.

Guys, keep on keeping on.

Everybody's doing a good job, man.

We'll holler at you later, man.

Go take a sleep.

Finger in the butt.

Two in the pink.

See you, man.

Bye.

Do the pizza.

Jen, check your email.

Two in the pink.

One in the pink.

Jen, check your email.

He's us, okay?

Milkman's gone.

He's dead.

Bye, Milkman.

Ted, you still here?

Ted Webb?

The real Ted Webb?

Yeah, I'm going to die.

Good, good.

Jen, you still here?

I don't know if we got Jen anymore.

Where's the guy?

I'll sleep.

Is he snoring?

Oh, I was saying, oh, goodbye to Milkman and stuff, and I was muted.

Oh.

He doesn't care.

Jose's going to try to call in.

Are you yelling at the computer?

I haven't had a chance to get Jose in.

I was telling him how awesome he was and hollering back to him.

Oh, poor guy.

That would have made his night.

You know, he was about to go to sleep.

Sleep well, old man, wherever you are.

Carlito, Jen says you have him muted.

Nope, nope, nope, I do not.

Sleep well.

He doesn't know how to use the machine.

Jen, I'm going to hang up on you and reconnect you, see if that fixes it.

I love Bran Frog's message in chat.

Milkman woke up and realized it's time to hang up.

Let's call those pizza numbers.

They're going to run out.

They're going to be delivered.

Here comes the next one.

Can you hit me?

Yes, now we do.

Yep, we got you.

Big Lynn.

You're choppy.

We got Big Jeremy Lynn here in the chat.

Jim's doing this one.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

I'm annoying.

Stop being annoying, everybody.

Go ahead.

Your tips are all up and forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

No answer, no pizza.

I will.

I'll do it.

Show me them nips.

You want to see?

Talk to me.

I don't want to play with your nipples.

What the fuck's going on?

I don't know.

No, we've come to the creepy hour.

6-3-3-2.

Yep, next one. This is the third one on the list.

Oh, well.

Is this Lynn or Alberta?

It went to busy. It should have been Alberta.

I'll try it again.

I blame Brad Carter for the numbers being busy and not answering.

I'm on desk.

Oh.

Is my camera on again?

Yeah, I'm just waiting for you to get your tits out.

That's what I'm saying.

What do you do with your camera on?

You're not going to get them out.

I don't know.

Oh, I think I pressed a button by accident when I'm pressing the on mute button.

Good thing I'm not actually nude and just pressing that.

That's why I turned the camera away.

Stupid.

I should at least put something in it like a robot or something.

No, but it's possible.

Yes, hello, is this Alberta?

Hello, Alberta?

Yeah.

Hello.

Two in the pink.

I'm calling about your pizzas.

Yeah, have you got your pizza yet?

Yeah.

Hello.

Earlier today.

Stupid Hawaiian, did you get your pizza?

yeah one large hand tossed pepper with pepperoni no no what did you have did you have a canadian

bacon and pineapple did you have a hawaiian pizza no four large pizzas today four large pizzas did

you eat them all to yourself we came to get them this is brent west what i'm calling from corporate

uh for to do a survey oh how was uh go ahead i ordered i ordered four large pizzas twice today

Oh, really?

Eight pizzas in one day?

Yeah, for football.

Yeah, did...

Oh, for football?

Yeah, was it just you?

Did you eat them all to yourself?

No.

About 40, 50 people ate them.

Oh, you had 40, 50 stupid Hawaiians sitting around eating pizza, talking about surfing?

Is that what happened?

I think it's college time.

Good luck.

No talking to the Howleys.

God damn it.

I don't talk to Howleys.

I mean, not to be rude, but I think she had a crush on you, Dirty.

I don't want to see your abs.

She was, um...

She was having trouble hearing because

she had pizza stuffed in her ears.

Oh yeah, her jowls were

fucking up there clogging her ears.

Jowls.

Nice.

That's hot.

Like a turkey.

She sounded like Jabba the Hutt.

No, she didn't sound that cute.

We got someone looking for any good

rabbits to give away, looking for

a good shape at a reasonable price.

Click that number I put in there.

Look how desperate Jan is.

He's like, I'll show you my abs if you show me your tits.

Go play with your own tits.

You love it, bitch.

All right, what is this, Death Fox?

What is this?

24-Hour Restaurant in London.

In London, 24-Hour Restaurant.

Here we go.

Turn this around.

Here we go.

Turn this mug off.

All up in Jin's hometown.

Somebody was talking shit to you.

I'm not doing it.

I'm going to use Jin's real name.

He's afraid.

When that's me, who I am, I'm going to say I'm Mike Tucker,

and I'm here with, and I'm going to say Jim's real name.

Coming up next.

Hi, this is Vicky O'Dwana speaking.

How can I help?

Yes, hi, this is Jim Stevens.

Hello.

This is Jim Stevens.

Hi.

I'll have to make an order.

Yes.

I'm sorry, we don't take orders for the phone, sir.

Oh, what do you do with the phone, then?

I can't hear you, sir.

Sorry.

What do you do with the phone?

How busy is it in there at 6 a.m.?

God, what a busy.

Jesus Christ.

Frickin', it's like frickin' Mel's Diner in the 1950s.

God.

There's another one right there.

After the athletes get up and get ready for training.

Sounds like they got a bunch of frickin' kids

drinking soda pops and stuff.

We'll send it to the frickin' boombox in the corner.

The next number there, Carlito.

Somebody mistreated you, a waitress,

and you want her butt cheeks put on the grill

and back as punishment.

What?

That's even one of your sadist remarks.

marks. Jin, you archer motherfucker,

do I need to talk to you again? No.

Someone needs to shoot him with an arrow.

I'm gonna put two in Jin's pink.

I'll shoot you with an arrow. Oh, I said I'd get

you first. Jin, I'll make a cut in your

back, and then you'll have a pink, and I'll

put two in it.

Cut you. Look at you, you got a pink.

I guess that's not working. Try that other one.

Look at you, Jin, I put a pink in you.

I will make you laugh.

I'll put my two fingers on your pink, and I will make you

laugh.

I'll put my two fingers on your ass

Listen, damn it.

Let's give Jose

a shot. He's begging.

I don't like Jose, man.

Give him a shot.

The only shot he's going to get is a fucking circle jerk.

And Jayden's going to give him two in a pink

and one in a pink.

Exactly.

Here's that number you people wanted.

What is it?

You people. What do you mean by you people?

I don't know.

Fucking racist.

What do you mean you people?

Stupid Hawaiians.

oh it's okay to make fun of hawaiians they're basically like in the same class as white people

when it comes to insults so it's all right no japanese charlie wouldn't stand for this shit

charlie fuck you fuck you fuck you i fuck you son of a bitch which one is this the number that

death fox has put out oh it's hawaiian number

i want to let jose on but then i want to change his name to raul

Oh, that didn't sound very UK-ish, did it?

The smooth sound of Raul.

I made a mistake.

No, that was a Hawaiian number.

Sorry, I made a mistake.

My bad.

Here we go again.

Idiot.

Jose's unblocked.

He can call him whenever he wants.

Come front of me, Jose.

Come front of me.

I'll show you how to make that.

Come do it.

But your new name, Jose, is Raul.

I'm going to make a joke.

What did it just say at me?

It said some shit.

You can't call this hombre on Skype right now.

But I have credits.

I don't know.

I can't call him on Skype right now.

Now it says, that last one you put there.

Doesn't make any sense.

These are local rates, so you're paying a lot more than what you would on a landline number.

Call that one.

What do you want, Jose?

Hi, Jose.

It's for Tranny.

Call it Tranny.

Hello, you annoying dick.

Big crush.

Amigo.

Jose.

Amigo.

Jose.

Hola.

Adios, amigo.

Yeah.

We're so good.

We gave him a chance and he's just sitting there

Just listening

Hey, have Jen call that tranny

I just posted the number to you

She's looking for a good time

Wait, we need Jose to say something first

Or he's going back

Oh, he's saying hello

Oh, he's so cute

Oh yeah, that's a little fucking Richie

In action right there

Talk then, Jose, what are you saying?

How old are you, Jose?

Come on, man

So he gets to get on, he's like, let me on, let me on

Now he's on, he's like, hello

He'll open up

Give him a while

Long time comic book collector

Looking to buy some comic books

And we got his number and stuff here

Mostly from 1977 and back

He wants some old book machines

Wow

That'd be a good person to connect to fucking Asiatics too

How the black men invented the comic book

King Solomon's a faggot

Who are some of the famous

To the old school comic people

I know the guy that's in all the movies now

No, he keeps showing up everywhere, that asshole.

Tell him you have an Action Comics number three.

It's not a number one or two, just a three.

Hey, number one is only so many people now.

Give me a comic book.

All right, who's going to do the comic book?

It's going through.

Oh, my God.

Not me.

I'm doing it.

Jose, take it.

Yeah, Jose.

Oh, he sucks.

Who's Jose?

I can't even hear him.

Hello, yes, is this Charles Bond?

Yes, it's his wife.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bond.

Is he around at all?

I have some comic books that I wanted for him.

Just a moment.

He owes me like five comic books.

Listen.

Hey, he wants Dell titles.

Tell him you have an XPS.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I have a copy of Action Comics number three.

I don't know if you were maybe interested in that.

It's the latest, 130 in the morning.

Yeah, but what were you doing?

Were you porking your wife?

I'm in bed.

Porking your wife?

What's your name, man?

This is Cross.

hey um maybe i could come by and show you the comic books that i have and you can keep as many

as you want but i just get to watch you pork your wife well when was the last time you porked your

wife tell me i bet he's more into porking the fucking comic books in his life i don't know

what to do about comic books i'm not i think he was considering it yeah well he's got action

You should call him with no retweets.

Just ask him how good the condition they're in and shit like that.

Ask him.

Just all over them.

Beginner's acoustic.

He probably likes them more than his wife.

A beginner's acoustic guitar.

Hey.

This guy's name is Lonzo.

Lonzo.

The one I just posed to see if Jen can talk.

Not me, man.

Well, you can't do pranks now.

Just say that.

Just say you can't do pranks for a while.

Yeah, I can't do pranks for a while.

They'll be like, not me, not me.

what jose you need a better microphone yeah we can't hear you man you see what i mean

what the fuck are you doing yelling from trying to call is not reachable pps 618 your tranny is

not reachable there buddy yeah see oh it was on back pages you were gonna make me fail yo i'm

calling lonzo he's the guy with he's got for sale back in june he's got for sale beginners

Beginners, acoustic guitar, extra strings, carrying case, tuner, shoulder strap.

What else do you need, man?

$60.

I'm going to play it.

$60.

I'm on a cycle.

I want to learn to play the guitar.

That and piano.

Which one gets you laid the most?

I don't have to say guitar.

The sitar.

Yeah, that gets you laid more.

The sitar.

But you can get yourself a smart.

Yeah, that gets you laid more.

You can get yourself a smart, high-class girl if you know the piano.

But good luck with that.

Oh, yeah.

That's harder than a horse

That's gonna get you laid

What the fuck

That's the sound

That sounded like a rabbit

Do you have a rabbit

She's got it right next to the computer

That is scary

She's got a rabbit

She's using a rabbit

Show me your rabbit love

Using the rabbit

Squeeze that rabbit

Do it

automatic voice message system do it rather confused wait a minute i'm just looking in uh

skype here who is this josie fucking character that's on here

that's the member of the pussycats josie i'm gonna drop you man

josie i'm gonna drop because you're not saying anything man oh shit there he is

what do you get a microphone why you call so much josie tell me what happened why you call so much

Now you've got to answer to me for a few minutes, and then you can stay on.

Why are you caught so much like that?

You're crazy.

Why are you contacting Carlito when he's naked?

Yeah, what was that about, man?

I didn't know.

This is weird, man.

I'm sorry.

You've got to be cool, man.

Disculpa me.

Disculpa.

Are you Mexican or Islander?

What are you?

Yes, I am Mexican.

Okay, that's cool.

So South Cali, am I guessing?

Or Tex?

No.

Tex-Mex.

Definitely not.

He's in Colorado because they kicked him all out of Arizona.

That's where they ended up now.

It's Colorado.

That's why that ballot's going through.

That's why that ballot's...

Yeah, I know, right?

Those Mexicans are like,

Come on, Holmes.

We had this in California.

He's being all creepy with Dart.

Jen?

Yeah, man.

I think they're having a private chat.

I know.

It's kind of creepy.

Shut up, man.

You love it.

Matt, I mean, Big Daddy, 260, ATV.

We got an ATV here.

two wheel drive atv jen's talking to dark showing him his fucking

trying to pick one of the stink grip he's right here this side

hell no this is how you gotta do it right here you gotta fucking right here

you know jen's just hearing about you know jen this is the first time jen hears about the whole

thing so he's probably like got a wrong perception of how you do it for me man come on i need to try

it what do you use the thumb or do you use your pinky for the stink what would you what do you

you use jim depends what way i'm coming from um i would prefer to use uh no no it doesn't it's

it's not on the bowling ball grip there's only one way to do it jim it's pinky man you gotta do

with the pink the pinky goes the pinky goes in the stink and the other two big toe

jim's over there doing fucking like yoga these guys fucking like leg over his head

and shit. This is an origami

shit. Like, oh man, I gotta get this

right. I put a SUV

for sale in Hawaii on the chat.

Hawaii. Alright, anyway,

well, SUV and I got an ATV.

Let's see, what can we get?

Here we go. Try to trade a candy bar for the

SUV or something, Steve.

Trade him a Ford Pinto

from the 80s. A Gremlin.

A Gremlin.

Why not make it have a Gremlin?

This is all you.

Yes, hi. This is

his cross. I'm looking

for Scotty. You're fucking

wasted, man.

This guy's wasted, man.

He's looking to buy

something from your Craigslist ad,

but I'm not really following

the fucking

conversation.

This conversation ruined by Jim.

Thank you.

Why did you guys just interrupt me?

It's revenge, man. You did that to me before.

No, I didn't. What did I do to you, asshole?

Yeah, you did. You've done it before.

What are you doing, Jen?

That's really rude, Jen.

I'm really disappointed in you.

Try to set a better example for the younger ones around here.

We're going to take Jen.

You know better than that, Jen.

I think you should go play with your abs.

You're supposed to be nice.

You're supposed to be nice and very professional here

and be proud of being on Madhouse, right?

Yeah.

The rest of the guys here are.

Jen, you're in the number one seat because Milkman's gone now.

You've got a big seat to fill.

You're fucking wasted, man.

Big pants

He's got big pants to fill

Big penis

He's got big pants to fill right now

Jen

Milkman's not here

I've got the biggest one in the room

So you

If Carlito and Jen

Were fucking face to face

Right now

Carlito would be blowing

Fucking cigar smoke

Right in Jen's face

You need to fucking

Get your shit together

Jen reminds me

Of one of them dogs

That get in heat

Like one of them puppies

But they just can't stall

Okay

Nissan Pathfinder

Who wants that one

Me

Oh hello

Hello

Oh look at

Jose jumping in

Josie

Hey, can we hear you?

Josie Pranks.

Alright, microphone.

It's all you.

No death threats.

Hello? Yeah, hello, sir?

I'm calling about your Craigslist ad.

Yeah, okay.

I'm just wondering, how many mess cans

does your truck fit?

What kind of question is that?

It's my kind of question, not your kind of question.

Okay, I don't know. I don't know any Mexican.

Oh, you racist bastard.

Okay, so when can I pick it up?

Whenever you got the cash, man.

All right, how much does it cost?

What is that? I'm sorry?

How much does it cost?

What are you calling about? Say again.

You're the Nissan Pathfinder.

Yeah, okay.

You have the ad in front of you?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, whatever I'm asking, that's the price.

All right, how many years of it?

You know our black people?

Hello?

That guy was Mexican.

I was wondering, how many paths could it find in a typical day?

You get kind of upset when you ask the first, how many Mexicans does it fit?

He's like, excuse me?

What do you mean?

It's a Dodie mix.

What do you mean?

Well done.

Popped your cherry.

Nice work.

I got a feeling he wasn't Mexican.

All I can say is it was better than Richie who fucking giggled all the way through his first.

Oh, my God.

Hang on.

Let me do that.

Calling this guy back?

Yeah, go ahead.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Zero.

Baby, come back.

Oh, that was Hawaii we were calling?

Oh, it could have been Hawaii.

That was Hawaii then.

Yeah, my bad.

Sounds a lot the same.

The Mexicans? Yeah.

Fucking Hawaiians.

Hawaiians are just a little more Asian.

Why is it that people from Hawaii

and then the native Alaskans

and people from Minnesota all talk the same?

Well, he might be telling the truth.

He might not know no Mexicans being from Hawaii.

Wow.

You can't really swim over.

I don't think there's any mix.

There's a lot of Asians there.

A lot of Americans.

Charlie floated over on a boat.

Maybe he floated over

on the Pathfinder.

Two tires for sale, $40 for both.

I'm going to look up some funny ads.

You can ask the tires to buy one, get one free.

We're doing Hawaii, right?

Ask how much the tires are.

Anywhere.

Yeah, Hawaii is best.

When they give you a big price, then tell them,

well, I heard tomorrow they're going to be half price because the tires are going to be slit.

I'm drunk and don't know my alphabet anymore.

There's another Toyota in there.

Hello?

Hey, Harriet, there's another Toyota in there.

Toyota in the Skype chat.

Yeah, I'm looking for it.

I got to stretch away from the mic to look at the Skype chat.

Oh, shit, where is it?

Is it...

So, are we posting the entire ad?

If you look at the email...

Just the link.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Oh, you want the link?

Yeah, just the link.

It's fine.

The link and the number.

And a little bit of the ad.

Before the show closes out, we got to call the 357 lady back.

Like this.

Stolen Toyota.

Stolen!

1991 blue Acura Integra

It's a funny ad

If you see this ad

I want you to know your bitch ass

Mufka

Catch you on the fly

What? Okay someone just hijacked

My car

It's blue

I have a LS

Non V motor 5 speed

I got black drag rims

15 inch

License plate

plate he actually put his license plate up there his license plate is is j nair j n a r e

someone needs to call and say they saw it in the neighborhood and act real sincere and then we'll

call him back with like brant westwood saying yeah i stole your shit start fucking with him

try to sell it to him try to sell his own car back to him it's got no tent got a loud cracked

cracked exhaust guy rolled up in a maroon toyota van from wayan manalo license plate blah blah

blah i already made a police report so the car is reported stolen for the guy that stole my car

and if you see this ad i want you to know you're a bitch ass mafka motherfucker i guess catch you

on the fly bitch just as what's his face just said and it says call me or text me my email me

me okay this guy's obviously very upset that his car got jacked in hawaii and you can tell him he

found it broke down and it has nothing not even not even tires just the tag on it yeah the engine's

gone somebody left it in front of your house yeah the tires are popped you should do that

and tell him come pick it up oh my god wait a minute is this hawaii yeah they're all hawaii

hey okay get me uh well give me charlie's number get me charlie's uh address for the do drop in

Charlie's

and then tell him that's where it's at?

Yes.

And it's been stripped.

What would be even greater

if somebody called him up and said they stole it

and be like, I don't want this piece of shit.

Come pick it up.

Charlie's, tell him you're Charlie's son.

And

what's a good Asian name?

Bill.

Bill? No Bill's name.

Lou.

Tell him you're Lou-san.

Sonson

That's your name, Chow

But listen, if you tell him it's been stripped

He might cry on the phone if he really loved it

Tell him you're Lee

Who's doing it?

Whoever, I don't know

Aaron

You have the best serious sounding voice

In my opinion

I gotta go have a poop, I'll be right back

Alright, then I'll do it, then fuck it

Say it's been stripped

someone spray painted faggot

across the front of it

someone spray painted faggot

faggot

someone spray painted bitch

in white letters

bitch

that's so stupid why would you spray paint bitch

like okay

you couldn't think of anything else worse than bitch

I saw that on graffiti

in the Caribbean once I was on a cruise

on an excursion we were going through one of those

neighborhoods and like I noticed

there was graffiti

but none of it was as intricate as the stuff

in the United States it wasn't all colorful

and blobby and you can't read it

but you can kind of read it

not symbols it was actually just words

like someone would

spray paint it on the side of a house

bitch like really big

just shitty

are you looking at this shit in skype chat there

Carlito fucking dark stranger

going to town with the stolen shit

that's what I'm on now

I am a craigslist whore

Once I get started

Fuck yeah

We have reached the voicemail box of

808

Fuck yeah

Are you still looking in Hawaii?

Not gonna leave a voice message to pick it up at Charlie's

Are you finding them in Hawaii?

Seriously?

You can call the motorcycle and do the same thing

Give Charlie

Now this is a different area code but it's posted in Hawaii

Yeah I like the look of that

It's quite hard to just

That's

a really nice motorcycle.

That's a nice looking motorcycle.

That looks cool, man.

If I weighed about half my weight.

Yeah, the R1 is really good.

It's quite fast, too.

And he's got some non-standard features on that.

Yeah, man.

That looks boss.

That's fucking fantastic.

There's a lot of shit getting stolen over there in Hawaii.

And they go on Craigslist like, you bitch motherfucker.

You motherfucker.

I'm going to fuck you.

This isn't a lot, actually.

This one is the same much.

Yamaha R1.

Well, that guy with the stolen R1.

Is it the same number?

No, it's a different number.

It's a different bike.

Charlie's fucking posting shit on Craigslist.

Chinga tamale.

I heard Charlie was back.

Is that true?

Charlie on Facebook is back.

I understand.

Someone was telling me they got his page back.

I'd like to see that.

This is an older ad.

His actual page or the...

Here's the R1, Jen.

I thought you were doing it.

Well, you can't.

Who's doing it?

I'm doing it.

Okay.

Hey, man, this is Jin. How are you?

How are you doing?

This is Jin. Somebody stole your R1, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, how did that happen exactly? Can you explain that to me?

Oh, well, it was parked in my parking and they cut the lock.

So how did they break the steering lock? How did they break the steering lock?

I don't know, man.

Well, you don't know, but you're sure it was stolen.

You're sure you didn't just hide it somewhere and you just want to do this as an insurance scam?

Oh, hell no, dog.

We got a surveillance too, so...

Is it?

So you know who did it?

Nope.

We don't know who did it.

You didn't see them do it?

So your bike is pretty much gone?

Yep.

And I saw you put some enhancements on it, like the non-standard exhaust.

What's that?

The non-standard exhaust on the back.

You put that on.

The four exhaust on there?

Yeah, you did that.

Yeah, I did that.

Yeah, how much did that cost you?

It was like a couple hundred.

Why was that?

How much do you think they would sell for? That's the question.

Why are you asking me about this?

Because I'm just curious, because if I know, I maybe know where your bike is,

but I'm wondering if I could flog it myself, because you have absolutely no idea where it is,

and you don't know how it was stolen, etc.

So I'm thinking I'd probably make more money selling your bike than giving it back to you.

What's that?

I say I'd make more money selling your bike than giving it back to you.

So, you're saying that if you grab the bike, you'll make more money instead of giving it back to me?

Exactly, yeah.

It's a nice bike.

I mean, how fast do you think you can go on it?

170, 180?

Somewhat.

How much have you had out of it?

180?

Somewhat.

I've taken an R1 on a spin before.

I had about 160 out of it.

Couldn't really do much faster than that.

But how much do you think I could sell your bike for, man?

If you buy the R1?

No, I'm saying if I sold your R1.

Maybe, like, they can sell it for a good 12 grand.

Okay, great, yeah, so where should I sell your bike?

Where should you sell my bike?

Yeah, yeah, would you buy it from me for 12 grand?

Hell no, what? Wait, hold on, what?

What do you mean, hell no? Do you want your bike back or not, you plonker?

The fuck?

Listen, buddy, I'll sell you your bike for 12 grand.

You sell me my bike for 12 grand, are you fucking kidding me?

What do you mean? Don't fucking swear at me, you cunt, I've got your bike.

Yeah, you want to buy it back or not?

You know, you know any calls a block calls are connected to PMO right now, right because of what happened

Yeah, it doesn't matter. I don't care about that

You would never find me because I'm British so I can just take your bike back to the UK and flog it over in the UK

I got no problem doing that then so you want to buy your bike back or not?

You know what man? How about I just call the cops right now?

You could do that, but then you'll never see your bike again. So that's probably a stupid thing to do

doing i don't really care obviously if you were smart then you would turn around and say yeah i'll

buy the bike let's talk about it let's talk about finance maybe you could pay me i don't know ten

dollars a week for maybe the next 15 years and then i'll give you your bike back all right man

i mean if you're nice enough i mean if you could do that but what i'm saying man hey come on man

i just got my bike stolen and i'm saying i've got your bike your bike is with me i've got your bike

here I took it for a spin I got 160 out of it the exhausts were pretty shitty but I might replace

them put my own ones on there you mind if I make some modifications to it I don't I want to get

like a tin yours and shit I liked her at the end when he was starting to realize that you were the

one that had his bike what what the fuck it took him a while too like you kept dropping hints

he was a little slow he was a little slow lions are stupid yeah just imagine his bulk that's

dangerous i imagine him on the bike if he's that slow i think you should call him back and tell him

to spread his butt cheeks and give him two in the stink and you offer back to him for nine grand

rims and tires yeah let's make a deal with him i'll go down in price i'll say all right let's

do it for six grand how much can you afford yeah tell him to spread his butt cheeks you give him

two in the stink and for nine grand yeah yeah call him back call him back you want me to call him

back yeah yeah oh shit which one was he here we go his name is darren by the way all right

skypey here we go my time has changed hey time change go through no oh shit whoops here we go

all right the sprint voice mailbox of 80831 he's probably calling the police

yeah yeah probably shouldn't have done that but whatever well he's not has he got your number

no it's on skype yes he's not gonna get it back hope not don't worry he's not it would be really

difficult for the police to trace a void call so let's say it's overseas technically i've done it

before yeah what were you using when they knocked on your door carlito google voice

calling time was a joke they sent another number here in this one this is for stolen tires tire

machines i had an idea that'd be kind of funny for me to do it but you want to put them on the

phone just gotta tell them that i tossed their tires down down the mountainside well i wouldn't

even post about somebody stole my tires you're not gonna get tires but we're in boy's mailbox of

You've reached Steven and Penny.

We're not available at the moment.

Well, fuck you, then.

We're stupid.

Yeah.

We live in paradise.

Were they drunk when they did the voicemail?

God.

Like, see them holding, yeah, pina coladas in Hawaii in the backyard, which heads right to the beach.

This is Steven and Penny.

We won the lottery and came out here.

We're here to annoy the locals.

Shocker paintball gun, anybody?

Absolutely.

That's two in the pink, one in the shocker.

Wow.

Blast in her mouth.

Oh, I get it, because it's a shotgun.

Well, this is in Washington.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

What?

How did that?

Well, it's a cell phone number.

Oh, it was posted in...

Honolulu?

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, how's it going?

You got the paintball gun stolen?

Still have the paintball guns?

Did you get your paintball gun stolen?

Stolen.

Or are you selling the stolen ones?

Are you selling stolen ones?

Yes.

Yeah, I got it on Craigslist.

oh right i haven't got it no well that's my paintball gun uh it's the shocker paintball gun

that's mine stolen from my no because you stole it from me i have an officer i have an officer

on the line with me now his name is jim stewart officer jim stewart are you badge number zero six

there he is sir hello yes this is officer jim stewart and we i have received confirmation that

That paintball gun that you're selling right there is, in fact, the gentleman that's sitting next to me.

Brent Westwood.

And I'm just wondering if you could, like, ship it to him?

Those stupid Hawaiians are always stealing shit. Sick of them.

Jim, Jim.

Where are you calling from?

I got the serial number of the gun.

Sir, what is the serial number of the paintball gun you have?

Officer.

This is Officer Johnson.

I want to know what the number of the paintball gun you have that you stole from Mr. Westwood.

Are you trying to jerk me around, sir?

I have the authority to fucking handcuff you,

take you to the jail steps, stairs,

and fucking toss you down to jail.

Keep fucking with me.

See what happens.

Sorry.

That went well.

Was that for sale or stolen, Dark Stranger?

That was for sale.

For sale.

Sorry.

Try not to say you're a cop.

I found one on Craigslist.

Try not to say you're a cop, guys.

Come on, you know better than that.

Sorry about that.

Durr.

Jose, why are you sitting here with police?

You started it.

I never said.

He's actually a believable cop, though.

It sounded like he'd be a cop, like a rookie cop.

He probably is a cop.

He's spying on us.

So he did come off cross-cut of official.

If you're a cop, you have to tell us you're a cop.

Are you a cop?

No, I'm not, sir.

Are you a cop?

Jose, you know what?

I am a police officer.

Unfortunately, I am a police officer.

Jose, you know what?

You sound like you'd be a good casino security guy,

like a regular casino security guy.

guy if i ever have to do a prank where i need to put the casino security guy online to vouch for me

you're my guy jose okay call that call that it's not in the shower call that verizon droid person

and ask them if they know the um the password to the phone no i'm calling the hand carved statue

first god damn it fine then we'll do that fine i'll call it fine hand sculpted freestanding

semi-nude all right come on after that then yeah that's about a computer is there a picture that

jim stewart can have a wank to yeah it's in the chat i'm all that's a picture and thanks jose for

taking my uh spot there after he's jim stewart jim yeah jim jim jimb j-i-m-b that's where the

name comes from anyway jim jimmy stewart like jimmy stewart yeah jim stewart fucking greatest

This actor in American history.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

I was calling about this sexy statue that you have that you're selling.

Yeah, that's a mahogany statue.

It's my father's, and he knows more about it.

I wrote up a little wording for it.

Yeah, shut up.

You're interested in that?

Yeah, shut up.

Basically, I know he probably got a little bit of mahogany himself when he looked at that.

It looks really hot.

I was here just looking at the pictures, and I kind of stood up a little bit.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a really nice statue, and it's a freestanding work.

It's really, really nice and ornate, and I like it because it's simple and it's graceful.

Would you mind if I come down, and I want to look at it and touch it and smell it a little bit

and touch it around its back legs?

Well, we could definitely check that out.

We can check out the ass and all that.

It looks like it has a nice ass on it.

I want to grab it, hold it in my hands, and touch it.

But I want it on the floor.

How tall is it, like four foot, three, three and a half foot?

No, no, no, it's not big.

It's a small piece.

It's about 16 and a half inches.

Oh, I thought it was bigger.

That's horrible.

Yeah, I wanted something I could lay down and touch and kiss and talk to.

So are you guys

In the scene are you in the scene also

Or is your grandfather in the scene

No

Can you give me a call

Back tomorrow sometime

Listen you're not into the scene at all

The woodhumper scene

I'm sorry sir no

Oh my

No

I'm sorry no

I'm going to call him back

His dad is it's a secret

His grandpa

grandpa he was trying to help me by describing it look i'm sorry i'm very embarrassed i thought

you were one of us because what you have posted is something that in our culture we sell and trade

for favors and just for companionship and i'm sorry oh yeah i don't know anything about that i

my father is an art collector and and i'm somewhat of a art collector but i i collect uh two

two-dimensional stuff i like drawing and painting yeah well yeah it's just it's it's really hard

sometimes we get no pun intended but you know we like to lay down and and do our thing with like

life-size or almost life-size uh wooden sculptures like uh like i i personally had a five-year run

with uh with an indian that i stole uh one of those standing wooden indians i stole him from

a cigar shop and then after and then after that there was a furniture store that had a

a woman indian uh and it was about life-size height and i went there three in the morning

and when i tried to put it in the trunk of my car police saw me and he came around and i tried to

leave but they got me and i got in trouble for it and everything so it's been it's a hard life

yeah well it is kind of late does your grand does your granddad have anything else maybe at it is

Is he into the sand well?

No, actually, that's one of the last pieces that he has,

and he's just trying to get rid of it.

Okay.

All right, that's cool.

So maybe if you're interested in art,

do you want to see some of my wooden sculptures that I have around?

Well, I'm trying to not purchase.

You've got to see, it's just the economy right now.

Well, they're all my ex-girlfriends.

I don't care for them anymore.

That's how I feel about that kind of thing.

If you can, just give me a call next week or something, and if you're further interested in it, I'd appreciate that.

I'm just kind of sleepy right now.

I'll tell you, before I let you go, just something to think that I ran into today.

I went to the bank today, you know, and I went, I got in my car, and I parked, and they had my checks,

everything I was going to deposit, and my money and everything, and my slip.

And I went inside and opened the bank door.

They're open on Saturdays.

it's these nice ladies that work there and i said ladies yeah it makes you think yeah all right

buddy well thanks i appreciate it i'll get a hold of you later we could talk i was trying to see

how long i could keep him on he's he's like i don't want to go to sleep you motherfucker

like my ladies i actually think he was interested in you carlito he was interested in the uh the

the scene i thought you're i'm sorry i thought you were in the scene even better what if you're

in the scene oh fuck yeah oh shit fuck yeah all right uh where do we leave off here because now

i'm at death fox's number yeah a lot of numbers from dark stranger about after yeah we're at

death fox's number after the computer after the the verizon droid no before that hang on

it's just a link oh i'll post it again i can't find it right there it is oh i did have it in

front of me it's just a link intel dual core desktop eight gigabytes label them dude ram

RAM, two hard drives.

RAM, two hard drives, yeah.

400 gigs, 160 gig.

RAM, two hard drives in the pink.

DVD burn.

Well, I just messaged four girls over Facebook to see if they want it in the pink.

Pretty much ask them how the computer handles watching a ton of porn.

One of them is going to say yes.

Once they're like, yeah, it can handle that, switch it up on them and tell them,

I'm looking for gay porn.

What?

I'm looking for gay porn.

Maybe you should do this one.

Yeah, because that made no sense.

Oh, you sit there and tell them,

how does a computer handle watching porn?

Okay, okay.

Then you fucking flip it on them.

Tell them you're looking for gay shit.

That'll be very stupid here.

State your name after the tone,

and Google Voice will try to connect with you.

Richie!

Clay says remind you of 357, lady.

What?

Whatever you have called is not available.

Please leave a message after the tone.

the guy's a google subscriber he knows his shit maybe he's a prank caller maybe he's trying to

trap us maybe it's kdk oh he's a fucker oh fuck if it's kdk he will not call us back because he

don't do pranks well i just pasted everything again you don't do pranks sure i'll start pasting

it again now didn't you post something earlier death fox about a computer repair or something

then you post some computer repair

$25 computer repair

or some shit

I don't know what you're talking about

I could have sworn

Michael Watkins

that was the 99 Yamaha

650

something about computer repair

hold up let me paste that again

I know what you're talking about

leave your computer work on

then just let me

clean your PC for $20

Reinstall Windows and Antivirus

It's like 1am here

I don't know if he's going to answer

But he posted like 4 hours ago

Do you just want someone that repairs your computer?

I just want my

If he wants our fucking business

He'll answer the phone

I have a perfect idea that ties into my afternoon here

So if you people

Of course

Let me start this one off

Thank you

He's got all that static

Yeah someone does

this would be a redneck

talk strange has got the static

mute god damn it

god that static was horrible

I got used to it

now it's gone

damn it I had an idea for the computer repair

that would have been good

they posted another one

I've got a whole list of them

what are they open now

that's just some guy

he should answer

just some dude in his basement asking really technical questions that's who's

no i don't got static hello hello yes hi is this computer repair machine i'm sorry i i i cannot

understand you well could you please repeat is this computer repair machine yeah yeah i do

computer repair yeah okay i need you to fix my computer because they broke it they messed it up

and it's in it's my office computer now where do i download the ram i need to download more ram

download you need to download more ram yes uh what where do i go to download the ram

to make the memory bigger well you cannot you cannot download the memory you have you have to

to you have to buy buy memory and add it up well i'm at a website that says download right now for

free down free download ram cannot cannot download the memory because memory is so hardware it is

kind of like a cart little car how much you pay for the uh for the gibs of ram how much per gib

it depends what kind of memory you need if you need ddr 2dr 3 ddr it says ddr 2 800

mhz mhz ddr 2 800 mhz uh ram and then i'm looking here and it did a ram check on my computer

and i went to the site and installed uh repair your computer it started the toolbar it said

repair doctor toro bar and it did clean your pc out now it installed that and installed bonzi

buddy and installed a remote desktop protocol uh-huh and then now it says to click here to

download the ram and i downloaded it and it said uh install complete a reboot computer and now the

The computer comes up, and it has pop-ups everywhere.

I think I installed the wrong RAM.

I downloaded the wrong RAM.

As I said, you cannot download and install the RAM.

The RAM is a physical hardware.

You must have probably misunderstood something there.

Oh, no. What did I do?

I don't know. I don't know.

No, but from my view, you cannot just download the RAM.

Can you just fix this so the blue E comes out to go to the Internet?

No, you cannot download the RAM over the Internet.

How much do you sell the RAM?

Will the RAM fix it?

Because I need to be able to have the blue E back on here.

Yeah, I sell one gigabyte of DDR2 memory, which is PC, to 400, 800 megahertz for, I believe it is $11 for one gigabyte stick.

Okay, because here it says 99 cents for download.

That is something else.

That is something else you cannot download memory.

okay then while i'm at it all right then can you can you upgrade my dvd burner so that it does

blu-ray because i did a download that said upgrade uh dvd uh to blu-ray and i did it and it never

worked then it stopped playing video altogether like if i put a disc in there it doesn't want

want to release it it doesn't want to release it yeah that's something cannot also the the upgrade

the dv the dvd drive must be already a blu-ray player yeah but i installed it inside the uh i

ran the download download it was like download.exe and it came up and said hey man this will come

make your computer go blu-ray like that and this is a click here yeah and that's west when the

problem started i downloaded blu-rays for my dvd and i put a blu-ray in there i went out and i

bought a blu-ray of tron to celebrate i put it in and it didn't play it and and then it wouldn't

even give it back out it wouldn't come out like yeah it's locked and that's a that's a bad one

well no if i turn off the computer it comes out in and out whenever but when it goes into windows

It takes, like, 20 minutes to get into Windows because I need to download the RAM.

And then it just sits there.

It just sits there.

When I put the disk in, it just sits there.

It goes slow.

It goes like slow.

Yeah.

So I'm thinking I'll bring it to you, and you can install.

You can download the RAM for me.

and you can download the Blu-ray upgrades, all right?

I will.

I need to first see what machine you have,

and, yeah, of course you can bring it here,

and we can talk about it, what you want.

You will show me the machine,

I will check it out and do whatever you want.

And my computer says it's a NVIDIA computer, model 7300GS.

That's the computer.

NVIDIA 7300GS.

That's the computer I have, yep.

That's the video card.

Yeah, it has video too, but it's not working now.

Yeah. It's a YouTube computer. It has a sticker that says, ready for Windows Vista.

And it says, YouTube computers on it also. YouTube computers.

And it says, YouTube.com for YouTube computers. Approved, it says.

And I go to YouTube. I get everything there.

That's where I saw the video that said, download the RAM and fix your computers.

Yeah, no, you cannot do stuff like that over the Internet, yeah.

I can't do YouTube? All right, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Yeah.

Because I'm not paying for those YouTube videos.

I figured it was illegal.

Yeah.

I am available tomorrow for the whole day,

and of course you are welcome to stop by here with your machine,

and I can check it out and see what we can do.

Okay.

To upgrade the memory, that's the trivial task.

That shouldn't be a problem.

And we will see what else.

Yeah, you put that Windows 8 on it, too, you know?

Get a copy of that and put it on there.

That'd be great.

Yeah, look, where are you from?

Can I ask?

I come from Czech Republic, Europe.

Oh, yeah, you sounded, yeah.

Yeah, I had a girlfriend who was from the Czech Republic.

Oh, you do?

Her friend was from the Czech Republic, but she was from Ukraine.

And, yeah, she had an ass on her, and then she used to, like, wrestle,

and then she would end up straddling my face a little bit, you know?

and she did it once in her in her in her panties she did it once in her panties and and i i moved

i moved the the panties to the side and i gave her the shocker and you know the shocker is two

in the pink and one of the stink you know what i mean i gave her that two fingers and one in the

back right yeah hey did you want to i have a website out there for a christian band that i'm

working on that's why i was trying to get it working because church is tomorrow uh-huh do you

if you want to see it it's blue blue waffle.net we're the blue waffle christian uh band if you

ever get a chance have you ever been to the site we're big here in honolulu no yeah blue waffle

blue waffle.net okay and i'll go check it out and leave a message there on gore if you have

You have Gort, you leave a message.

All right.

All right, buddy.

Well, hey, thanks for the help of the computer.

I'm sure it's good.

You are welcome.

I'm going to come one time tomorrow.

I call you and I come.

When?

Okay, good.

Okay.

Do you do this in your house or in a store?

Yes, from there, yeah.

All right, can you wear, like, a white T-shirt and, like, cargo pants?

White T-shirt?

Yeah, and cargo pants, like brown khaki cargo pants.

and then tuck the and then tuck the uh tuck the white t-shirt into the pants and then i want you

to pretend like you're a czech czech czechoslovakian soldier who's captured me all right i think that'd

be hot you'd be like hey we caught this one trying to run away and we're gonna teach you how we do

stuff here in fucking bosnia right will you say that oh yeah you'd be like hey you serbian i'm

I'm going to rape you, and then, you know, you start playing that music, the music, like that.

Right.

All right.

Computer tomorrow.

It's going to be a big day.

Okay.

All right, man.

I'll see you later there, Bogdan.

All right.

I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Bye.

Geez.

Nothing faces that guy.

You see that?

He would have gone off.

You see that, Jim?

He knew about the two-to-peak, one-of-a-thin shit.

Yeah.

You just now got schooled on it.

I was trying not to crack up.

You don't get much more European than freaking Czech.

Yeah.

How did he get in Hawaii?

That's pimp.

He's the boss.

He's a fucking Czech mafia.

Soon to pick one to stink.

Oh, I know all about that shit.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

I did that all the time.

I think he was just agreeing to what you were saying.

He probably hung up if he knew.

Jim, don't try to justify yourself.

He knew.

Yeah.

Come on.

You don't think if...

Hey, Dark Stranger, would you watch a porno with a guy who had that accent

and a decent build

and he was wearing khakis

cargo pants.

That's a really strange question to be honest.

I don't know where this is going.

Doesn't that appeal to women?

And then he starts eating the borscht

and hauls out the vodka.

It's like he's soldiering.

You don't need to justify your fantasies, Carly.

He wants to put the vodka bottle in your ass.

Women dig that. That's why I was saying that.

And then the girl takes out

a gun and sticks it up his

I think what the deal breaker is

He has to have a clean mustache

You haven't had much sex have you

I love sex guys

Really I do

Your wife's in bed and you're on here

Fucking talking with us man

You should get in there

Alright don't be rude

Don't be nasty

Did you hear the intro when he left his mic on

He was fucking yelling at her to get a job

And do the dishes and shit

Open the fucking window

I love that shit man

Get a job

Anyway

Buy some flowers and makeup

I'm looking for the next number

Baby food for sale

Yes nothing is stolen

Stolen baby food

Sorry

Someone do this I can't right now

Alright

Why are you still sorry about it

It was funny

Dark stranger

I'm sorry

Alright, here's the number. Do it.

I'll do it. I don't care.

Go.

Why are you sorry?

Do it.

Damn your self-esteem.

Stop feeling sorry.

I'm tired and I'm not sorry anymore.

I drank like two liters of water.

What? So you're, I don't know.

Hydrated.

Please leave your message after the call.

Too hydrated?

Mm-hmm.

Baby food.

Dirty errands.

Sorry.

Who the hell's idea was that?

Baby food.

I did that.

Baby food.

We can move somewhere else.

Like some redneck just called begging for

baby food like a cracker.

Oh, I like...

That's what he wants to eat.

Baby fucks!

I'm hungry.

Dude, Death Fox Giggle

makes me giggle.

It's retarded, that's why I'm eating it.

Just imagine

a paw bunion

looking redneck just getting the voicemail

beating up.

This is Larry

Larry from Kmart fucking Lightweight.

Fuck you, bitch.

The Lightweight call is so good.

You calling cock rooster?

No.

Who am I calling here?

Vibrator, light vibrator, and music switch.

What's this?

Shit.

He's sleeping, kind of loopy, so I'm going to start doing some calls.

Yeah, I know.

Just yell at him.

Who do I want to call about the pigs?

Baby food.

Bacon.

And the cock.

Bacon.

Baby food.

They're all excited.

9.30?

Yeah, yeah, quiet.

Death Fox.

Yo, playpen.

Yo, playpen, Death Fox.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

I said playpen.

It was a playpen.

Audio.

Oh, playpen.

Playpen.

But it's a vibrating playpen.

Oh, shit.

That's awesome.

I'd play in that.

Cock rooster.

All right.

I'm on this.

I'm the cock and the rooster.

I bet you're on the cock.

How about a pink potty chair with a squishy seat?

I want that.

I get it.

I'll actually call them.

You can put two turds in a pig.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Talk.

Japanese.

Pot belly pigs.

Man's second best friend.

He's all over that bacon.

Enigma said the YouTube

stream stopped.

There's a limit of four hours.

Oh, shut up.

Start again. Just start it again.

Restart that mofo.

Thanks.

Thanks. Good looking out.

Here's the, uh, what was it again?

I just met somebody else, John. Who was it?

Potbelly Pig. I know I had to. Potbelly Pig.

It's really a Potbelly Pig?

Yeah, they're cute. There's a bunch of them.

God, they squeal.

I want to ask if they're good to eat.

Hello? Hello, I'm calling about the pig.

Yeah? Are you there? Yeah, hello?

Yeah, how much does the pig weigh?

Um, right now, they weigh

about three pounds.

Okay, so you got a bunch of them, right?

I mean, my cousin just sent me this number.

Yeah, you might want to look at our ad on Craigslist.

It kind of explains a lot more.

Okay, just explain it to me?

Yeah, sure.

I have to explain it to a lot of people.

I'm kind of tired.

Oh, yeah, I'd be tired of explaining how pigs work.

So you breed them, is that right?

Is that the deal?

Yeah, so mom is about 40 to 50 pounds.

She's full grown, two years old.

old the dad is about 30 pounds he's about half the size so keep them in the house or do you have

them on the outside yeah yeah they're healthy and do you so how long do they live for um they can

live about 8 to 12 years yeah so i'm looking to start sort of a little petting zoo thing you know

so i have i've been calling on like chickens and a potbelly pig stuff like that you know what i'm

saying maybe a small pony do you guys raise some of your pigs to eat or not or do you have more

all our pigs are just they're small pot belly pet pigs uh yeah they're not really for eating

huh uh so uh yeah we have the miniature horse and uh called on a cock so what it is though it's kind

of a spin on uh my my uh farm it's gonna kind of be you know a little racy we're gonna have

sort of men dressed up you know with some bondage on and stuff like that and it's gonna be sort of

a x-rated uh sort of an x-rated petting zoo not for kids though just for grown-ups um

what's that what are you gonna be doing with the pigs oh well i mean you know it's what it is is

you kind of come out and you pick the animal

that you want.

Well, there's that.

But

you pick the room that you want with the animal,

which animal you want, and you pay a fee

and whatever you do in there

is, you know, it's your business.

I'm just the facilitator.

I think I want to sell my pigs to you.

How many bucks sound just

for a pig? Well, what's the matter?

I mean, do you ever diddle your pigs or anything

like that or no?

no

let's go nowhere

fuck him

what really

disturbed me is

death fox had

no problem

fucking

I'm gonna fuck him

I just like

he's like

of all the

of all the voices

in that moment

when it's

when it's Aaron

with his accent

and then you hear

death fox with that

hillbilly son

and redneck accent

fuck you

like the devil just like connected on the line said fuck

so so far uh death fox has a pot willy pig he's fucking next to his computer and dark stranger

has a vibrator sitting next to her computer nice i'm learning things let's call it let me talk to

this person about this miniature horse miniature horse miniature horse a miniature whore horse

we're gonna have a whore when's the whore show is that thanksgiving show thanksgiving three weeks

yep one miniature horse and ernie's getting a fucking call when we gotta start working on him

now make sure he hasn't moved again okay start getting numbers too horse okay keep it a fucking

track at ernie that cocksucker don't tell me whenever i just like this can you get out of

one horse please leave your message after the tone we'll never know we'll never know man no

How many tacos can you get at a one-on-one?

Yeah, but how many horses talk to you?

There's no cat or a cat for sale ad.

There's a cat phone.

Just look at that picture of the dogs.

Hey, the cat ad won't call them.

We'll catch any wild pigs.

We will not harm them.

What about making love to them?

Let's see.

Yeah.

Hey, that guy catches wild pigs asking me if we can dress the fat lady up.

That's exactly what was my idea.

yeah to catch your wife what no that's good it was your idea too we're all like mind melting you

know it's a good thing i'm sorry god damn it stop saying you're sorry i'm leaving sorry sorry

i'm sorry sorry for being alive he is too look you have reached the print boy mailbox sorry

sorry for being a bad person and mean to you call the ab rocket i would i would tell him i'm like

like, 900 pounds, and I was wondering if I could fit in it.

The Ab Rocket.

It looks sexy.

You sound the part.

What are you trying to say?

Call 7-Eleven.

I'm going under, like, the desperate, like, things to call now.

I should have followed up,

see if those guys really closed at the 7-Elevens during the storm.

Because, yeah, you want to go home, go ahead.

Hello?

I was calling about the Ab Rocket.

What kind of fuel does it take?

Hello?

Ab Rocket.

I didn't want to play.

I was cracking up at that question.

What kind of fuel does it take to have a rocket?

It's a rocket.

Fly me to the moon.

So what about these fucking stupid people that put ads on Craigslist,

but they don't put the number down?

Like, they write it out?

What the fuck are they trying to...

Actually, you can email them, I guess.

No, it says, like, they'll put the number, and they'll write the...

367 or something.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Oh, yeah, that's because of spamming.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing there?

I understand you had something on the Craigslist, some rims.

Yes.

These rims, are they copper, or what color do they look like?

Oh, hold on.

I'll have you talk to my husband.

Oh, yeah?

That sucks you got a husband.

This is a better one.

Rims and speakers.

And you've got a wife.

Are they two-pin?

Yeah, hi.

That's your wife that was on the phone?

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, cool.

How much?

Well, does she like the rims?

Does she like the rims or not like them?

Oh, no, no.

The vans are perfect, man.

We just want to put the socks on because we got a new child.

Oh, well, forget that one because then did you have the baby already or is she still pregnant?

No, we had the baby already.

Oh, man, because if she's still pregnant, I'd like to watch you two.

I'm sorry?

If she was still pregnant, it would be cool to watch you two go at it a little bit.

I'm so sorry.

It's hard to hear you.

I have a van that I put people, couples in, and they have sex while we drive around the city, and I offer them cash.

But now you ruined it, so it's no good anymore.

The offer's off the table.

Rip jobs.

Your wife's, she's post-pregnant.

She's, like, fatty, you know?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm good.

That was horrible on my end.

What time is it in California?

I have a way out at 12, 1245.

Carlito, call one of these people

And just start getting more and more personal

With the questions

Like try to know more and more about them

And just keep digging and digging

Until I hit my head

Try that, I want to see how far it goes

I'll dig until I hit pink

For real, say like Pilates you can

But just keep asking personal questions

Alright, 22 inch rims with tires

10 inch

Kenwood band pass

band. Yeah.

12-inch old Polks.

Holy shit. You gotta ask

if she likes the cars that go boom.

Got some kickers in there.

Wow, man. Ask about the

capacity of the speakers in the box

because you want to store some

cocaine and you should in there to smuggle it.

Cocaine. The best place

to put it is inside the tire.

You will. And we have to catch

the packets around it.

You have reached the voicemail box

of... Nope. Next.

Wow.

More rims.

Here we go.

There's that hissiness again.

It's Jose.

Bye, Jose.

My bad.

See you, Jose.

Get up and Josie.

Bye, Josie.

He's not even here.

Jose.

It wasn't him.

Talk stranger with a rabbit.

I'm going to move on to California so we can wait.

I'm going to go for stolen stuff.

They get angry.

There's a little kid driving this thing.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

Call that Tahoe and be like, man, I found your hoe.

But look at the Tahoe

There's a little kid driving it

Oh, they got a reward for everything

Look at that

$1 reward? What?

Fuck you

They only put $1 reward

Stupid Mexicans, they're stupid Tahoes

Tell them you're going to report them for child endangerment

My GoPed?

What's a GoPed?

It's like a fake motorcycle

That goes like 50 miles an hour

Oh, GoPed

GoPed

Coleman stuff, Swiss gear, hunting scope rifle.

Damn, that was a game.

Game is nice, Nikon.

Man, they had a bunch of shit in here.

Nikes, Little League baseball bats.

Aw, man, that's fucked up, man.

At least give that shit back, you know?

At least give the kids some.

When you look and you see you got that, just leave that on the side of the road.

You fucking dick.

What are you going to do with that?

Tahoe, here we go.

Anybody want it?

I'll take it.

I'm going to go to bed.

yeah oh so you're sorry i'm sorry i'll hit you because you're a bad boy i was calling out the

tahoe stolen two-door burgundy tahoe reward yeah yeah so it's full of stuff is that right it's what

it was full of stuff no i didn't have stuff in it i just put the truck because it was stolen okay

okay well i saw this ad and then i just um i just bought some rims off of craigslist uh-huh and i

I was just shopping to see if I got a good deal, and these are the rims that are on this

truck, the ones I just bought.

Well, actually, it didn't have those rims exactly.

Oh, it didn't?

No, not exactly those.

Which ones did it have?

It had some 20s, but it was smaller than those, because those are 24s, I think.

Oh, okay.

You had the 24s on there?

Yeah, but I didn't have them when they took it.

They had, like, 20s.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I got you.

Yeah, I mean, I have a similar truck, you know, as that.

Oh, okay.

And I just bought some, I think they're 24, I think they're 22s, but, you know, I was making sure I wasn't going to buy something stolen, you know?

Yeah, thank you, thank you, man. I appreciate it.

Yeah, that's okay. It's usually the Mexicans that come and steal all this shit, you know?

Yeah, I have no idea what took it, but, yeah.

Yeah, that or the blacks. You know, they're taking over, you know?

Yeah. Well, actually, I had it there for, like, eight years already because I took it from my job, so it was something random because I'd been taking it there for, like, eight years already.

Oh, they didn't want to destroy it and took it, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's weird.

You got a job.

You sound kind of ethnic.

Yeah.

Most of you people don't work that, so.

Yeah, I have a business I play.

Okay.

All right, well, next time don't be so stupid and leave it unlocked, huh?

It was locked, though.

Well, why would I leave it unlocked?

I don't know.

Because you wanted to get stolen?

Because you're stupid?

Are you serious?

I'm not the moron.

I don't have a stolen truck.

I got some rims.

I don't worry about it.

I got other trucks, too.

it's not a worry about it so not a big deal it's not a big deal yeah you're just a baller

maybe you stole that maybe you stole the other trucks what are you talking about huh why are

you swearing at me because you're fucking calling me stupidity that's why no that's not nice i'm

i don't swear okay nice for you yeah that's okay mitt romney's gonna come and he's gonna

deport all you people even better brand hurt dirty call him back and act like you ass dialed him

like you're talking to someone in the background

about how you stole his shit and the guy you just called

is a dumb fuck

I just posted a motorcycle

1983 Yahama

did I almost say Yahama?

Yahama

the sound just went to shit

alright I'm bailing

bye

see ya

that's for life

I'm sorry

it doesn't matter they just

just...

They don't always say in the ad.

That bounce house looks like it has a

Colombian flag on it.

You have reached the Sprint Voice mailbox

of...

How are you going to steal a bounce house that big?

You got a symbiote pulling out of it?

I don't know. You fill it with helium and you

float away.

I've called many of these.

Yeah, man.

It's like my thing.

Someone stole a giant gorilla off the top of

a furniture store.

Bigger than that.

Fuck it.

They're going to fuck it.

Yeah, probably.

What else would you do with it?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You have the that you think might be here.

They have stuff installed on it and have it cleaned out.

I've been working after work.

We get to drink on Saturdays and work on the computers.

And this one came back saying that it was possibly stolen.

Okay.

When did you lose this? Is this today?

No, this is back in the middle of September.

Well, they've sent it to the headquarters to get replaced.

Any lids, any dents on the lid of the machine?

Let me take a look.

I know we write them down on a diagram because this isn't going to pass warranty.

There's like two, maybe three.

There's two dents and like an indentation on the cover.

I think there's one on the back.

The cover's like kind of indentation.

And then on the top here, there's also another one.

If you're looking at the back of it, on the corner, there's also a dent.

Yeah, the indentation kind of here, yeah.

Oh, really?

Like next to the, on the right side?

It's like an indentation, yes.

Yeah, like somebody dropped it on the corner.

Maybe.

Yeah, and when it comes to that, because of the indentation,

and then I just need to let you know that it's not going to be covered under warranty

because this fell on the ground intentionally, you know.

We're not going to cover this by warranty.

So we're going to send it back, and you need to go pick it up,

but they're going to charge you for this, for you sending it in under warranty

when it's clearly, you know, what's going on here is due to your miscare of the product.

contacting me

well you're on the computer here you're down under this the uh computer information the serial and

the check and your copy of os that you're running on here it gives you information showing up that

it's your computer we're here in the warranty department okay well so but you're the owner of

of this you're saying yes all right yes yeah well you're like i mean you sent this in then

you sent no you sent it in go ahead you said you sent it into us here and we're not going to cover

if it's not working because it has dents on it and you know yes i'm telling you i did not send

it to you because it was from me in late september let me take let me see here there was a few notes

and stuff that were in here i don't know if you included this or you think someone else sent this

in you said okay is it hang on i'm looking how old does it look yeah how old it is the machine

it says here i found this i i found this mac book hang on i can't read looks like a kid wrote this

found this macbook in the library no one was around and i shipped it and it looks like it

was a kid and they found it and they shipped it to to us here then no it says it's some kid i

don't know how the box is destroyed all right they just give me whatever paperwork came with it

and any uh equipment that you send in a blue plastic bin that's how they do that's how they

they do it here i'm in the depot the repair depot here so yeah um you know so then i guess a kid

found your in the library that's bizarre so you missed you misplaced it then you lost it it was

well obviously it was just lost because they found that it was found where you left it at

i'm telling you it's behind in a library it was stolen uh smash and grab robbery from my car

on september 19th well the paperwork the note that you sent doesn't say anything like this

yeah i don't know what whoever sent the note i don't know who sent it to you but it wasn't me

but you're saying that my machine is in your shop yeah but i'm not returning it um until you

understand that we're not covering this warranty it's not under warranty repair yeah that's fine

you're gonna get charged for this what's that you're gonna get charged for this is gonna be

be a bill sent to you for this it's going to go to your local your closest the one of your choosing

and we'll send it straight there and then you have to come in and um handle the payment of the bill

you say the computer is uh it's been cleaned i'm not allowed to turn it on without your permission

okay but you have the machine in your possession yeah we're on the machine yeah but my information

You dropped it on a corner, and it's got a bunch of dents.

It has two dents and a depression on it.

There's water damage here, too, when I did the water test.

Damage on it?

Yeah, I did a swab on it, and it came up that it had water on it at some point.

Oh, it happened after it had been stolen.

But in any case, I'll do it for my house.

All right, but, yeah, I'll send it over, but just a card or whatever,

and, you know, you've got to take care of that.

They won't release it until then, and they're only going to hold it for two weeks,

and then it's going to come back here for perma-storage.

Okay.

Will somebody contact me when it arrives at the store?

I think you should contact the store and handle that.

I can give you a remittance number, and you can ask them if this came in.

Go ahead.

What's the remittance number?

3384.

153M.

Like Mary?

Yeah.

Okay.

A-C-H-1.

Okay.

You got the 1.

N is in November.

e that's it could you read that back to me please five three e yes okay i'm speaking with again

this is cross i'm with uh repair depot warranty repair i'm sorry we couldn't cover your apple

because you dropped it and you lost it okay have you been listening to me as i've been explaining

that yeah i heard what you said sir but this is what i'm putting in my report that you lost you

irresponsible, and you lost

this stupid thing, and

a kid at the library found it

where you left it, where who knows what you were doing

with it there.

Okay, thank you for your help. I'll look

at the store for the computer when it

arrives. Had it shipped back

like an asshole. Alright, he's gone.

That was cool. Long story, but that was

cool. It worked.

I don't know if you caught the remittance number of the word

machine. Yeah, I got that.

Computer machine.

I found this number of this kid begging for a free Xbox Live Gold membership.

Okay, okay, give it to me.

You want it?

Yes.

Here it is.

Give it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I want it to be done.

Well, do this one, then we're done.

I'm tired, too.

Do what I want.

There it is.

All right, this is the last call of the night.

Looking for Xbox Live Gold membership, and who is it again?

Jose?

Yep.

Josie?

Okay.

Oh, Josie.

Not looking good.

Nope.

That is that.

Please leave your message for

Alright anyway see you guys

Bye Jen

Goodnight everybody

Alright goodnight guys

Hey Carlito

I'm sorry for creeping you out man

It's okay man

Carlito I'm gonna call you bro

Bye Jose

Carlito

Black hyenas

Bye

See you later dark stranger

ranger whatever whatever all right jen bye jen have a good day jen yeah you put your clock back

yeah he's called me back well bye bye and you listening bye it's over

go away leave me alone find something else to do

Calls (49, 2 h 20 min of 4 h 38 min)

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