Big Agnes Horse Thief – 11/8/12 Show

So, I'll tell you what.

I'll be up there tomorrow.

I'll raise you one on that.

Okay?

Please don't take my job.

Okay, my friend?

Please don't take my job.

Okay.

Why do you mean you go blow some champagne water up my ass?

Well, because women's brains are smaller.

It's a proven fact.

Okay, well, you have a very nice day, and I'm not going to take this.

Fuck it.

I'm not playing no fucking games, bitch.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're acting mine.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you.

All my blocks.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Glad you hear me.

I hear myself.

That's good.

Right?

That's normal.

Should be able to hear myself.

Hey, everybody.

Madhouse Radio's on the air.

Welcome, everybody.

Post-election night.

Well, not post-election night.

Well, election week, right?

In America.

Very interesting indeed.

Surprise how that went down.

I'll be honest with you.

Milkman, for a while there, I was surprised how it went down.

I'm happy.

Really?

I'm happy with it.

You really thought of this?

You had any doubt?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, because, you know.

I never did.

I didn't doubt it, man.

There's no way.

You know, as soon as they kicked out the yo-yos that they did, dude, I was so happy, man.

Because I was like, they could not pick a bigger idiot to be so, you know, so disconnected

than that guy.

It was perfect, man.

As soon as they kicked it, dude, I said, it's all over, man.

You're going to be re-elected.

That's the first thing I said.

I don't know if you remember me saying that or not.

Well, that's the first thing I've said to him all over now.

Ah, yeah, well, the Republicans are actually being kind of cool.

I heard John Boehner came out and said,

Obama, tonight, there was a news flash.

Oh, yeah, they have to. They have to. That's right. Go ahead.

What did he say?

He came out, John Boehner came out, I read it around, maybe around 6 p.m., 6.30.

he came out and said

Obamacare is the law of the land

he said

and he basically dropped the whole

you know

dragging by the nails

balls to the wall fight against Obamacare

he literally came out and said

Obamacare is the law of the land

and basically

to be understood that the Republican Party

isn't going to keep fighting it anymore

they have to, you're right

the people want it

the people just knew

the people just knew it was a waste of time and we got a lot more problems so i think that's the

message america gave i'm surprised man i was convinced that the shit was all rigged and

maybe it is maybe it is rigged for obama but i'll tell you what man this time we got the rigged

this time thank god man thank god we finally got a swing on it milkman milkman why don't you go

go drink beers and smoke

marijuana cigarettes, okay, and do

cocaine in your nose

and get in your rig

and crash it into a

fucking telephone pole. Why don't you do that?

Alright, man. I'm going

to hop in the car

here. Don't, don't, don't.

Don't do it. I was kidding.

No, don't do it. I'm kidding.

We'd miss you.

Come on, man, but just think how exciting it'd be.

The best show, me getting

emaciated in

In an accident on the air, everybody's laughing, having a good time, me in the hospital.

You've got to be the best show ever, man.

Yeah, listen, these stupid people that listen to this show, this group of assholes, they don't care about politics.

They just want prank calls, I'm sure.

Maybe we should just get right into the prank calls.

Is that what you want, guys?

Is that what you want?

Big Bob in the house.

When you go live, you should prank my buddy Mike.

His phone number is this.

He had a cat not long ago.

Still feels bad and is scared that the owner of the cat is going to find him

He hit the cat by a bridge and a white church was next to, I guess, next to it

Milkman, this will be the first prank of the night

Big Bob gets the honor of the first prank submission of the night

Milkman, he gets a prize from the prize hoopty over there

I don't know what we got, maybe you could take a look and reach out to him

Let him know what prize he gets, I don't know what we have this week

All right, okay.

I'll go through our prize.

I'll go through our prize catalog here, and we'll see what comes.

Yeah, I don't know who our sponsor is this week, so.

Who is our sponsor this week, Milkman?

Netflix.

Netflix is our long, long person.

You'll learn a lot of the work inside of us.

Good work.

Thank you, Milkman.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, Bob, do you know this guy's name?

Bob, what's the name?

Bobby.

Bobby, you're going to lose first prank of the night if I don't get a name.

I need a name.

Name.

Is that all you know?

it's your oh his name is mike okay i got you mike mike my bad all right i even read that out

everybody oh here we go well no peach fuzz for you guys uh-huh eat a peach fuzz dick right milkman

i guess we did a show last monday hello is this big mike yeah this is cross i understand that you

had some kind of problem with my brother-in-law and his cat you had some kind of problem with

with my brother-in-law you hit the cat this is crossed and my brother-in-law is the owner of a

cat that you foolishly and ravishly attacked on the street and you killed him by the bridge in

the white church we were out taking we were out taking pictures today of where it happened and

we did distance pictures with rulers and yardsticks and everything hey yeah today we were out there

Yeah, today, just to take it.

Get your cat laid.

Yeah, but I found out about this.

I came over to visit, and I said, where's the cat?

And he told me this story, and the wife is over there crying and sad.

And they're like, I don't know what's going to happen.

The nephews are going to come over for the two-year birthday.

One of the nephews are coming here, and they want to play with the cat.

They always love the cat.

And now we have to tell them that the cat is with God.

So I went out there today, and I took pictures and diagrams and everything.

thing and i want to let you know that you know we're going to do a lawsuit against you because

there's no reason why you should should not have been able to avoid from hitting the cat it's

obvious that you did it on purpose you're his whatever his brother-in-law driving i don't have

all the particulars about the car i just know that i went out there to take pictures and take

distance no shut up i want to talk to you i'm sorry what what's his number no i can't give up

my client's phone number and i'll talk i can't give out my client's phone i can't i can't give

out my client's phone number you can sit there and give me his number i'll talk to you no i'll

give you my number sir okay i'll be more than happy to give you my phone number okay all right

this is this is for my law firm my law firm is valentine associates wait under bbc because i'll

get on my fucking laptop and i'll look it up right now no well i'm wearing for from las vegas i don't

I don't think it's going to be registered with the BBC.

Why would it be registered with the BBC?

Oh, you're saying the Better Business Bureau?

Yeah.

Which one?

Every business is listed up under the BBC.

Look, your law is not...

Yeah, BBC...

I don't believe you.

The BBC is a television station, sir.

Maybe you have trouble...

It sounds like you have problems with your synapses.

No, no, I didn't go to a television show, you dipshit.

BBC is the British Broadcasting Company.

Sir, do you ever have epilepsies, or are you sensitive to light?

Did you have, like, an epileptic episode and you don't want to talk about it?

If you just tell me now, I'll smooth it.

If you tell me now, I'll talk to the judge, I'll smooth it over, and, you know, you'll be cool.

You can tell the judge to suck my left nut.

Well, tell me what happened.

Did you have a seizure or something?

And I'll just put that down on the paper, and then I'll tell the judge that.

No, I come down, I'm talking to you.

I'll talk to the owner of the cat.

Do you have a fax number, maybe, that I can send you this lawsuit paperwork for you to sign?

All right, sir.

Listen, just to let you know, the state of Nevada takes this very seriously, issues like this, and they will prosecute you.

I'm not scared of Nevada.

Come on now.

Or is it Pennsylvania?

Then I'll get you in Pennsylvania, too, because I'm friends with Robert McCord.

He's the treasurer of Pennsylvania.

He just got reelected.

As a matter of fact, I have lunch with him.

I love much with him on a monthly basis, as a matter of fact.

And I play golf with him at least four times a year.

I didn't know that he's my cousin.

Rob McCord is your cousin?

Yes, Rob McCord is my cousin.

How many children does he have?

I'm not going to play with him.

What are their ages?

What are their genders?

Huh?

That's what I thought.

You don't know, do you?

I didn't know.

Can I get your name and your social security number and your name and a fax number?

and then i want to give you some information my social security are you kidding i ain't gonna

give me my fucking social security number i'm a lawyer and this is for a lawsuit you have to

or you're going to be in contempt of lawyer you ain't no fucking lawyer i am a lawyer write that

down i am a lawyer you you find my fucking you tell me my address i just have a phone number

right now this is it was given to us it was given to us by an anonymous it was from an anonymous tip

That we got the phone number

I'm the brother-in-law who lives in Las Vegas

My brother-in-law lives in your neighborhood in Pennsylvania

And you did this to his cat

You intentionally pressed the gas down

You put the gas to the

You put the pedals to the metal

And killed that beautiful cat

You're a monster, sir

Did you know serial killers start by torturing animals?

Is that where you're headed?

Oh, did they?

Now you're telling me I'm a serial killer.

Who the fuck are you?

The majority, maybe, maybe we should have investigated for, for anything.

Where were you?

Where have you been recently?

You had take any trips lately?

You buy any masking tape lately and shovels?

Hmm?

Yes, I did buy a new shovel so I can plow my driveway.

I'm going to make it, I'm going to make a note of that.

Bought a new shovel recently.

What else?

Hmm?

Who the fuck is it?

Who's your fucking cousin?

Mike, I don't, I can't divulge the information of my client.

That's attorney client privilege.

privilege i can't do that you'll you'll get the paperwork which which house did you live in let's

see you know when you're coming down and there's a cat that sits there all nice and peaceful

and you're and you and you drive you drive by in front of me thank you very much you drive by and

you're drinking your snapple tea and your beer bottles and you throw them all over the street

thank you very much but you throw the bottles everywhere don't you you shouldn't have a problem

i'm doing that you think it's all jokes and then you killed the cat on purpose you're the tell me

tell me tell me about the beer bottles that you threw a few weeks ago oh he's gone i was trying

to implicate him on some more stuff hey that was the first prank of the night thank you you see uh

bob if i would have had more information like your brother-in-law's name or you know address

of where this guy lives that stuff like that bob would have helped out and that's why milkman it's

It's important for us to make a note.

And, Bob, we thank you.

That was a good call.

It was all right.

It was a good call.

It was a good number.

But it's always important to include as much information as you can.

You know, if you feel if it's your friend, we're not going to do anything stupid.

You know, we're not going to out you like, hey, Bob told us to call.

I would never do that.

But, you know, a neighborhood address, if you can, that could have gone even better because I would have had to stop against him.

It's hard to come up with an excuse.

I had to come out and throw out a left fielder.

How did I even get out of the first address, the first phone number?

I don't know, Titusville, Pennsylvania.

I thought that was in Florida.

Milk Manders to Titusville, Pennsylvania.

Holy shit.

Oh, wow, I didn't know that.

They must really like Florida.

Or a guy named Titus, you know?

That's a cool name, Titus.

Think about that.

That's important, though, really.

Somebody says, you want to provide as much information as possible

so that your money is up here too.

create some security

that the person actually knows

so we'll actually help

people achieve it longer and longer

so that we can have more fun for everybody

in our support.

Well then, RoyaleWithCheese

is asking, Captain, what are you drinking tonight?

I'm drinking Diet Sundrop.

Nothing alcoholic

because I'm tired.

No alcohol because I'm tired and I've been

trying to slow down with the drinking.

I haven't had anything to drink

since before the hurricane.

I think it's been at least a week since I've touched anything.

I'm not going to mow the wall, like.

Well, usually I have at least a glass of wine at night, you know.

And for the show, I usually get pretty buzzed.

You guys have seen I'll have whiskey out or something.

Yeah, man, I'm taking it easy, you know.

I wish he's going down the captain's route of gin.

Yeah, that's my drink of choice is gin.

I like it.

I started drinking gin before it was popular.

And people were still like, ew, gin, that tastes like pine cones, everyone used to say.

Now drinking gin is cool.

Like, back then, I was...

It does taste like pine cones, man.

It's from Juniper.

Yeah, I know.

But I just, I used to drink it.

I thought it tasted good with 7-Up or with Club Soda.

See, that's hardcore healthy shit right there, man.

If you're a gin drinker.

I love gin, man.

I, you know what I do?

I make a...

I probably talked about this already once, but I like these gin blossoms.

I make them.

I get the peach schnapps, and I put a shot of that, and then I put some gin, and then I mix it with a tonic or club soda.

It's called a gin blossom.

It's pretty good, man.

It's a good drink.

Oh, it's very good, very good.

How about a slow gin?

What's a slow gin?

Gin Stewart?

You know how slow gin is?

What?

No, what's that?

Slow gin, S-L-O-E.

It's basically like a slow berry.

It's kind of like really sweet.

It's kind of red.

Yeah, so how are you making, like, I don't know, kind of like a girl's dream.

There's really a little grenadine syrup in it with, like, seven-and-a-half percent onion.

Hey, you know, one thing that tastes really good is, um, Milkman, you know what?

You ever have passion fruit when you were down there in the Virgin Islands?

Oh, I have a whole pack.

Pasoa.

I had left that box in there, and that shit has been down there over nine years, man.

Milkman, I'll tell you what, Pessoa is, for everyone who's listening,

I've never talked about Pessoa, but I went a whole, I had, I was there,

here's, on my 21st birthday, I went to Puerto Rico, and in Puerto Rico,

Pessoa had just come out, which is a passion fruit liquor,

and in Puerto Rico, I don't know how they did it, in the Virgin Islands,

I don't know how they do it, but in Puerto Rico, they just mix like a shot or two of Pessoa

with orange juice or pineapple juice and is the fucking greatest thing ever uh yeah it's it's it

tastes so freaking good and you get drunk on it and you don't even know you can't tell it's

alcohol you get drunk on it really fast you know if you want um so yeah totally like oh hell man

when i get that judge i'll wet man okay so then i came back to florida and uh i went to the liquor

store and they told me yeah we just got it yeah it was you know in florida i was like hell yeah

i just turned 21 so like all the parties that i was going to around those around that year after

i turned 21 i always brought poso and everyone's like what's this and i used to come with so i

used to come with poso and one of those you know those big cans of pineapple juice that you use

when you're making uh pina coladas you know that that big can that you just you stick a quart can

yeah yeah yeah a pineapple juice and i would come up i would say hey you got any ice like yeah like

here you go try this and everyone's like oh my god that's awesome you know and with orange juice

is really good but i prefer with pineapple pineapple juice and then you had diced pineapples

milkman diced pineapples man oh that's good shit man i love i really love fresh pineapple

to get right yeah you can tell because the leaves kind of well they get this like very fruity smell

And then the color kind of gets more golden, like reddish.

And, you know, when it's really green, it's not as good.

But if you let it ripen, man, and you go, oh, my God, you just skin that sucker down,

it's just like heaven.

I mean, fresh pineapple slice, right?

Oh, man, yeah, fresh pineapple.

Listen.

You know, my buddy's down in, yeah, my buddy's down in,

holy, man, a whole bunch of, like, people with, like, rock slips.

And they're selling them?

Oh, like, oh, man, right there, give me a fight or what?

i had it yeah all right now new new saying that this is prank show not alcoholic show and he's

got a point milkman you know all right milkman no more alcohol we're cut off let's listen real

quick i want to mention everybody yes we did a show uh i did a show on monday and i did it i

didn't i missed thursday's show but then i did a show on saturday with jen and milkman who else is

on i don't even remember

holy shit was ted webber i don't even know why i don't remember that show ted webb is on that show

really

something like that yeah i gotta edit that um i'm still editing the monday show i started editing

it last night fell asleep in the middle of editing it yeah i got that going and then i'll

get to that shit if it's five hours it's gonna take a while i hope there were some good pranks

I think there were.

I don't remember anything about it.

I remember the first little bit.

I don't know why.

Well, you know what?

I was on some pain meds because my leg got hurt.

I was on some pain meds.

Maybe that's why.

I don't know.

Did I sound weird?

You were on calls.

Oh, wait.

Ken's reminding me.

Yeah.

How could I forget this?

Call, call, call.

The 357 to the dick.

Were you around for that?

When Jen Stewart, when the lady got really mad at Jen Stewart?

Were you there for that?

who got mad at jim stewart some lady got really mad at jim stewart we called back he called back

as the manager of a layaway store and she got so mad she said she's gonna put a 357 up to his dick

and and blow a bullet yeah yeah man she was pissed she had to get i swear to god i think

listen to that i think the broad got dragged out hey we got we should listen to that because her

Her reaction is epic.

The funny thing is the fact that we had already fully pissed her off a lot,

and she had already yelled at us, and we hung up, and we did a different call.

I said, let her calm down a little bit because she's off.

Right, let her think she got away.

Yeah, and then called her back, and she was, like, cordial with Jen.

Jen's like, I'm the supervisor.

I'm sorry about this.

I'm so sorry.

we're letting some people go they're in the office and they were doing prank calls and this

isn't acceptable you know and she's fine and at some point jen said one thing that set her off

and she just like went off on him verbally

yeah as a matter of fact i think i was kind of buzzed because wasn't i like i gotta get

Get the fuck out of here.

I got shit to do.

I think I said something like that.

And I started cracking myself up because I was loopy in the head.

Hang on.

Let me find this.

Now I want to hear this.

See, now I'm starting to remember.

Well, they went on at least five minutes.

She was on.

Her husband.

No, she got mad.

No, she got mad that last time.

I swear to God, listening to it, I really think, Milkman,

I really think she got dragged away from the phone.

like it was i think i think her family like dragged her off like to calm her down because

she was that she sounded that like mental at that point huh this is this is all being recorded i

have an officer standing here i don't give a shit lady listen i've got your shit on layaway i'm gonna

throw it all in the fucking bin i'm gonna burn it do you understand okay that's fine i'm gonna burn

all your shit and then you can come tomorrow and we'll just tell you to fuck off how's that

that you stick your vouchers up your ass yeah that would be great bring your fucking dogs too

i can stick them okay all right that would be great yeah and i'd like to put a 357 bullet

right in your fucking dick all right fuck you too you've been growing up okay shut up bitch

come over to the store and talk to me face to face hold on hold on hold on hold on yeah we'll

talk face to face bitch talk to my man bubba he's gonna fuck you up hold on yo white lady

Yeah, it was too bad Ted didn't get in on that also,

but that might have been funny.

But doesn't it sound like she got dragged away, like angry?

Her family and friends are like,

all right, just get out.

Come on, relax.

All right, more prank calls of the live sort coming now.

Lonesome Loser isn't here yet.

But in the meantime, we got Passport Photo,

a person who has not picked up their photos,

you stupid asshole.

What happens when I don't pick up their photos, my friend?

man that's raw that's rude man very rude yes hi this is bill i'm calling from the photo center

yeah i understand that there's a passport photo down here that you people still haven't come to

get and what's happening i'll get it tomorrow you better get it tomorrow you better what

what time you're coming tomorrow because i want to talk to you in person when you come in why is

is this such a big deal because when you get your photo you come in and you pay for it and you pick

it up because of not as lost revenue on us you need to come in i bought plenty of photos from

you all i would never well then why is this photo still here tell me why i just i took the picture

tonight this morning this evening and i'll pick it up tomorrow i told the person that took it i

said can i pick it up tomorrow they said fine what time tomorrow are you coming i want to make sure

that you're here on time hey look i'll be there tomorrow don't worry about it you better be here

young man or it's going to be trouble for you who are the who the hell are you my name is bill i'm

the manager here and i'm trying to make the numbers before the end of the fiscal quarter

bill i mean you know what we took the picture and you haven't picked it up buddy

you lost the customer oh big deal my name is bill and it says it really big on my shirt

all right bill i i look forward to meeting you i'll put a i'll put a right in your face like

hey my name is bill what are you gonna do about it hello bill i'll see you tomorrow you better

be here tomorrow i'll tell you oh you're making me scared come get your photos out of here and

i'll bring your trashy people photos here with trashy people inside of them wearing little bits

of clothes and you're gonna lose the job buddy you got trashy people in the photos you take is

Is that your family?

Who

the hell are you

i bet you have trashy pictures all over the place that you take smoking marijuana cigarettes and

and coming in there and laughing and buying all these Cheetos

and leaving your pictures.

And then you pick them up late, like a week later,

and you go home and you look at these pictures

and you're smoking marijuana cigarettes and eating Cheetos.

Goodbye, Bill.

You better be here.

All right, that's a new character, Bill, I guess.

All right, Bill.

Bill's just running away every time I'm with you.

Bill's like a no-nonsense effeminate guy.

not gay just effeminate you know bill's married and has kids and stuff but he's just ultra

christian and he sounds like that like i hate bill bill's an asshole

jill says bill equals jim bob no who the guy's done the jim bob prank man what was that what

i can't i remember i was getting mixed up in so many years because of that guy

that's uh touchstone

touchstone terrorist

i don't know that i have any jim bob for you to hear i don't think so i don't have any touchstone

terror here that's actually what i was asking i'll stick him in our um you know

Yeah, and Bill will come down and say,

give those back, you didn't pay for them.

What do you think you are, taking music you didn't pay for?

You better delete that right now.

I love that.

That guy was like, you lost a customer.

You lost a customer, Bill.

I can't wait.

He's like, I can't wait.

I hope to God there's not a Bill that works there.

You lost your job.

I hope to God there's not a Bill that works there.

That'd be so mean.

Poor Bill.

I should call and get the name of someone that works there.

No, no.

That's bad.

Don't do that.

Hello, is this Don?

Yes.

Don, I'm the manager here at the photo lab, and you have pictures that you haven't picked up.

Why?

Talking about.

I'm here at the photo department, and why don't you pick up your pictures when you're supposed to pick them up?

I don't think this is a legitimate phone call.

You left pictures, and I haven't picked up these pictures yet.

You have 5x7s and 4x6s.

Who do you think you are?

I think I'm going to report you.

That's who I think I am.

My name is Bill.

I'll tell you what, Bill.

I'm going to come up there tomorrow in person, and I'm going to ask for you,

and I'm going to say that I got a phone call from a 661 area code.

That's right.

And I'm going to find out if it's legitimate,

and I'm going to say it wasn't a very professional phone call,

So I'm asking, is this legitimate, and is this the way that you want your photo lab represented?

Because I order a lot of stuff through you guys.

You order a lot of stuff, but when you order stuff and you don't pick it up, it's bad for me.

It's been up there for about three days.

That's what I'm saying.

Three days is incredulous.

You should have been here three days ago to pick it up.

I have to meet quarterly efforts by the end of the week,

and I'm calling and saying, please come and pick up your old pictures to all these people.

They'll pick up their pictures.

There's so many pictures here.

Did you know we're the number one store in the district for unpicked up pictures?

I'll tell you what, Bill.

I'm quite sure that we wouldn't want somebody representing themselves the way that you are,

so I can guarantee you I'll be up there tomorrow.

I've been pretty doggone busy, and it's been three days, and I can guarantee you this much.

You probably won't have a job when I get done with those people.

That's not fair.

Don't dare do that.

Please.

Don't call me like this and say these things to me because I think you're a scammer.

That's what I think.

No.

I'm Bill.

And I don't think you'd be calling me at 955 from a 661 area code.

So I'll tell you what.

I'll be up there tomorrow.

I'll raise you one on that.

Okay?

Please don't take my job.

Okay, my friend?

Please don't take my job.

Please.

Okay, Bill.

Bye.

I've been drinking.

She's.

Well, that was a good one, Bill.

Oh, I guess she's coming to the center.

Ashley?

Yes?

This is Bill.

I'm the manager at the photo lab.

You left some internet prints here to get picked up.

From where?

From the photo lab, and you have some pictures to pick up.

No, I don't.

Did you pick them up?

Hello?

Yes, you do.

The computer says you do.

She's gone.

Man.

Maybe she picked them up already.

Call Cindy instead.

dead i'm telling you that that lady knows that the last lady we talked to she is gonna go there

she's gonna be really she's gonna demand i know women like that she's gonna demand um satisfaction

she sounds like she would have been fun here's big diane with two internet greetings that went

to voicemail i went to voicemail let me try this one here this lady's name is funny her last name

but i don't want to give it out but it's funny yeah i don't know barucas 787 but hey that's cool

man i understand you guys voted for statehood i don't think it was a fair vote on the part of the

of the pnp the pnp yes hello this is bill i'm calling from the photo lab you have some internet

prints here okay i forgot to come pick them up when i come tomorrow oh my god you didn't come

come pick on why it take it's taking so long to come pick them up i stayed open and everything

who is this this is bill i work at the photo lab and jeez i'm sitting here thinking where is this

lady to go and get her pictures oh my god you never came oh why would you do that why would

you just call me and say hey bill go home why not go home bill can i go home you're not coming

Nope.

All right.

Do you need me to pick anything up for you?

No.

You want some milk?

I want you to stop fucking calling me.

Listen, I just looked at the pictures, and I think this is you in the pictures, and you look really cute.

Bye, Bill.

I just wanted to say I would like to maybe take you out for ice cream or something like that.

What do you like?

Ice cream?

You like Dipping Dots?

You ever have Dipping Dots?

No, she's gone.

dipping dots that's what this guy bill should offer to take girls out for dipping dots because

of the ice cream of the future new character named bill go home bill that's the uh title of the show

maybe i like bill man he's pretty he's pretty fresh man oh my god it's got a building impediment

and everything this is rad i like i think that's that's when i talk to the lady who we just played

the jim stewart prank i think i use that voice it was like because i'm the manager i gotta go

take care of a bunch of shit and i started cracking up and i think zyklon took over from

there or someone else did i don't know who the fuck it is hey milkman jose is going to be joining

us here in a little bit he's he's wanting to try out to be like a regular pranker on the show one

of our featured prankers okay okay okay i i thought i didn't know i didn't know i thought

I thought he was giving people a hard time or something.

I wasn't sure, man.

It's a cool man.

I'm going to let him on.

Jose, you're going to get like a few numbers,

and you're expected to be able to do something with them.

When you're a featured Madhouse Pranker, you're a higher level.

You know what I mean?

You get on the show more often to do pranks.

You get a chance to develop a prank career if you want.

But it's a different level when you come up to the big leagues, you know?

You know, you got to hang with people like Reclude, you know, Glow Worm, and Jen, and shit like that.

Who else?

Hollywood.

Hey, Monito.

Yeah, but I mean like our featured kind of guys.

Jack Valente.

Eddie Gonzalez.

Ted won.

Ted's won.

Cross.

Cloned Homegrown.

Valente.

Cloned Homegrown.

Bill.

Yeah, Bill.

How about a contest here for the last name for our new character, Bill?

Bill, if you get five Madhouse Gold Stars,

if you can come up with a good name, last name for Bill.

And don't say Cross.

Maybe not Bill.

I don't like Bill.

Well, Bill's all right.

It doesn't sound too generic, does it?

Well, Bill, if something better comes along, we'll retain it, man.

Somebody threw out some good stuff there.

You got your opportunity now.

Give him a name.

Match him up.

Post him in the chat, and we'll make a decision.

We got Bill Wiggins, Bill Buxton, Bill Goat.

Bill Goat.

Bill Slapster.

That's from RBCP.

East Bay had Bill Goat.

That says Bill Horse.

Bill Bilson we got from Tristan.

Bill Bilson.

Bill Buck says, do you like that?

Bill Buck.

Bill Braski.

And Mr. C3 Clay with the SNL reference.

Awesome.

Bill Bo Baggins.

There you go.

I was thinking about that, Bill Bo Baggins.

I'm going to put on one of my favorites, Bill Bogart.

Bill Bogart.

or Bill Paxton.

There you go, Bill Paxton.

That's actually a little more okay.

Yeah, it's cool, man.

Bogart.

I should talk like Bill Paxton and do prank calls

and name him Bill Paxton.

That would be cool.

You know, I'm going to do some research.

This next week, I'm losing my job tomorrow.

So this next week, I'm going to watch fucking,

what's Bill Paxton in?

And Twister and the NFL, the HBO movie about the fucking orgy family.

You know what I mean?

What's that called?

Big Love.

I'm going to watch that.

I'm going to get Bill Paxton's voice down.

I'm going to make it into a fucking character.

Billiam Willis, Bill Change, Bill Brannigan, Bill Thrill, Bill Gates, Bill the Bastard, Bill Sodomy, Bill Obama.

What else?

bill bonner bill motherfucker bill of rights bill williams bill maxwell bill bono how about

drunk bill drunk bill yeah jill that's funny bill bronco i like that

bill barker bill barker now that sounds cool pranks by the dozen said bill barker good one

i like that uh saffy's got bill dotrive i think that's how you pronounce it dotrive bill dotrive

uh there you go bill barker bill this is bill barker this is bill barker

bill barker i see i can't say barker good in that accent bill son of me no bill i already

forgot the voice i forgot how it goes milkman forget it forget it guys because i forgot the

voice i just lost it well just give it just whatever you know you do it just say the name

in your voice there.

It sounds good like he listens to it, you know.

Well, Bill Doetrieve

says, Bill Doetrieve.

Yeah, that's it. Bill Doetrieve.

I think Saffy gets it. Hey,

we got a winner, I think.

That's a contender. Bill Doetrieve.

Or Bill Doetrieve.

Doetrieve. I think that's how you

pronounce it. D-O-U-T-R-I-E-V-E.

Or maybe

Bill Dovetree.

There you go. Bill Dovetree.

Maybe that would work. Bill Dovetree.

I don't know. We'll have to work with it.

We'll play around with it, and I'll stick with something.

Bill Dovetree sounds funny.

All right, let's call Yvonne. Big Yvonne.

Man, I really hope there's no Bill that works there.

It is a pretty common name, dude.

Hi, this is Yvonne. I'm not here right now, but I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Go home, Bill.

All right, last number that we got from these.

Big Deanne. I don't think I called her yet.

By the way, Brad had suggestions.

Tell them you have to report all these pictures of their secret underground marijuana growing operation to the authorities.

Also, I'm looking through your pictures here, and in this one photo,

that's this girl that's not in the other photo, and she's really cute.

Do you think I could get her phone number?

Rant about love and first sight and being soulmates.

When they object, tell them they've obviously never been in love.

It was meant to be.

See, that's kind of along the lines of what I did with the black lady we talked to last.

At the end there, I was like, hey, you know, Bill liked her.

Bill's struggling with his sexual identity, and he found an African-American girl he liked.

Maybe that's what he needs.

Maybe that's what he likes.

You know, maybe he never considered being with a black girl before Milkman until then.

Maybe that's what he likes.

Black girl is hot.

Ain't got no problem with black girls.

Yeah, Bill might be happier with a black girl.

And I think we should all support Bill in that.

Man, sisters rock, dude.

I live in the ghetto.

You'll find out.

You live in the ghetto, I know.

Hello.

Is this Yvonne?

Huh?

Is this Deanne?

Deanne?

Hello?

Deanne?

I'm...

Hello?

Listen, I have pictures here at the photo lab.

You ordered pictures on the computer.

You ordered a 20-pack of pictures.

Hello?

Listen, you ordered...

There's a pack of 20 pictures that was ordered from this number for Deanne.

I'm sorry, this is my Deanne phone.

You got the wrong number.

So you put a fake name?

Is that what you did?

What are you talking about fake names?

You put a fake...

There's no beyond in the sun.

You put in a...

You got the wrong number.

Like, you dialed the wrong number, you know?

You messed up a digit.

You stupid.

You put in a...

You're the dumbass.

All I do is click on it.

You stupid Puerto Rican.

Oh, man.

See how Puerto Rican girls are with me?

No nice.

No good.

Never nice.

Ah, that Puerto Rican girls.

They make one hell of a fucking meal.

Hey, Milkman.

Yes, I.

Ah.

Dun, dun.

We got any contenders yet?

I don't know.

I'm still mulling it over.

maybe bill dovetree i'll do bill and ben bill and i boner bill says ken bill swallows bill will

bill gill bill gilliams nunu says bill bollocks that's kind of fun that'd be kind of cool in the

united states a lot of people know that this is bill bollocks there you go maybe bill bollocks

that's a good one bill bollocks oh my god i'll call it you can i'll say i'm bill bollocks we'll

see how that goes this is bill bollock all right here comes the next call in a little bit we're

gonna have jose on here and he's gonna talk and stuff hopefully he's got his mic working he he

left some voicemails for me on skype but his mic kept cutting in and out does he know about the

headphones and stuff he says he does but the mic kept getting in and out but i think that's just uh

that might just be a skype thing i hope yes hi is this savel

listen this is Bill

he remembers me

I was going to tell him it was Bill Pollux

the thing I talked to him about Saturday

he remembered me right off the bat

wake him up again

you're welcome

welcome to BT answer 1571

I just wanted to call

of the UK to test out

Bill Bollocks, which I believe in the UK

it's like 3 in the morning right now.

Yeah.

Alright.

World 15.

Okay. Never mind. I am an

asshole.

What time is it on your ass?

Welcome to the Sky Voicemail of...

Milkman, put a thermometer on your ass and then tell me what time it is.

Okay. In part?

World 16.

Not the Lancashire, England.

Sorry.

Bob says we should call prank people in PR because these damn people want statehood and they don't even know English, man.

That's what he said.

He said, man.

Yeah, man.

Biancus, man.

Home of the bombs.

Safi confirms it's pronounced do-tree.

UK Dave reporting on the video feed had a black screen and audio still working.

Yeah, I did that on purpose.

But it's fixed now.

Bob following up on the first prank of the night.

He says Big Mike called him and was pissed.

and yeah he i guess he's given more info now that he was a security officer and he hit the cat

on a certain road driving a red neon wow what a piece of shit

not saying they were nice when they first came out but they haven't made a neon since like 99

maybe 2000 i think was when was the last neon made yeah that was a good car when it came out

though it ran nice had the speakers in it stock speakers it was the first of those have like

pioneers in them i think they were pioneers remember it had a pretty good speaker system

for stock one of them had a big ass engine in it big indian one of them had a big ass engine man

i must have had a dog ass engine but one of them had a big engine like a 318 or something like

that yeah you got to get the special model you know the sporty model you know it's got like a

because usually they give a different trim also or a different color.

The Plymouth Dodge Neon, introduced in 94.

Was it really 94?

Holy shit.

Sure, but they had a 318 model.

I know they had an 8-cylinder one for sure.

Yeah, production ended in 2005.

They made them in Illinois, Mexico, and Venezuela.

Well, see, they had them in the Caribbean.

That's why I was asking, because there was a couple of guys

who had them down there on the island,

so they must have got them down there in Mexico or Venezuela.

Special model, the ACR was available with the single overhead cam or dual overhead cam engine.

Is that right?

DOHC?

Did I get that right?

Four-wheel disc brace, struts, ratio 394.

It doesn't say about the, what is it you're saying?

Is it the horsepower you're talking about?

It doesn't say.

They had some big engine in it, like a 318 or something they had.

Wow, an eight-cylinder neon.

that'd be something that's a pretty small frame car that thing must have booked are you sure it

was an eight cylinder eight cylinder one now the regular like the six four cylinder six cylinder

one were kind of doggy but the eight cylinder one that motherfucker flew i don't think there

was an eight cylinder one man they got here available engines were the uh single overhead

or dual overhead cam versions of chrysler's 2.0 liter four cylinder engine yeah okay we're

It's a Turbo 4.

Yeah.

Okay.

That might be it.

But they had a powerful engine.

The rest of them kind of sucked.

But they had one kick-ass engine.

Gotcha.

They were racing them down there against the Hondas and shit.

The Hondas smoking neon, though, man.

It was a good car back in the day.

So...

Well, the Accurates, the VTECs,

nobody had a Japan VTEC and blah, blah, blah.

They were all crazy about that shit.

And they were jacking them fuckers all up.

Yeah, not the car I have now,

but the car before was an Accord.

it had a VTEC engine.

It was nice.

Well, this guy had like

took out the air

fender walls

and had like a

fiberglass hood

or some shit.

Alright, cool.

All that shit.

Alright, we got more numbers.

We got Request to Pranks

to get to in a little bit.

We got some more numbers

here from Brad.

Infiltrated kind of

number things that he does.

I think that's a good number.

Yeah, sure, man.

But in the meantime,

let's do some

Lonesome Loser calls

because Lonesome is here.

Lonesome Loser!

Always a good thing.

Alright.

Mantra Masa...

masala is masala indian let's find out let's find out together look man here's here's something good

about tomorrow being the last day of me for work they're throwing me a potluck dinner a potluck

lunch and you know you know it's all indians i work with so it's going to be indian food potluck

and they're going to bring they bring a lot of food man you know you're going to get over the

papadums yeah they're going to bring papadums and oh man i should have brought the list i

I should have ordered some of this food.

A lot of biryanis.

There's a lot of biryanis.

Some of them are vegetarians.

Well, one of them is telling me she's vegetarian,

but she's bringing this Indian version of soy.

It's a biryani with this Indian version of soy.

No, it's a curry.

Bullshit.

You know, curry with the rice and all that.

But it's the Indian version of soy that they make with milk.

She said she thinks it's better than soy.

She's giving it to Americans who think it's better than soy.

I don't know.

No, I'm excited.

Jose, what kind of food do you have here?

What kind of food do you have here?

Italian food?

Indian food?

Oh, your name is Jose, though? I'm confused.

I'm good. Are you Indian, or what are you?

No, but are you an Indian, or are you, like, Mexican?

No, no, no. I am not Indian. I am Mexican, sir.

Is there Indians there, or do you make, like, Mexican version, which is stupid?

The person who is from India is not here at this moment, sir.

Thank you. Thank you, sir. Have a wonderful evening. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome, sir.

Hey.

Yes?

Let's take an order. Do you have chicken biryani?

We have a chicken biryani, sir. Yeah.

And, like, yeah. And then what curry do you recommend? Do you have any curries?

Yeah, we have curry.

We have chicken curry.

Curry.

Chicken curry.

Okay, put me down for chicken curry.

Okay, may I ask you for a number with the area code, please?

Okay.

And your name, sir?

This is Bill.

Bill Bollocks.

Okay.

Put

that down.

Bill Bollocks.

Okay, what would you like to order, sir?

I gave you the order.

Okay.

Do you want the vegetable biryani?

Yep.

How spicy, sir?

Mild.

Mild, mild, mild.

Mild.

Mild, okay.

Then one chicken curry.

Uh-huh.

How spicy, sir?

Mild also.

Mild.

Okay, any naan bread?

Do you have any papadums?

Papadums?

Yeah, we have papadums, sir.

Do you want to order a papadum?

Yeah.

Okay.

Anything else, sir?

No, that's it.

Thank you.

No naan bread.

I don't like that.

Thank you.

How long?

This is going to be ready in 20 minutes.

Okay.

Okay, your total is going to be $30 with $0.11.

Okay, mister.

Thank you.

Okay, it's a pleasure, sir.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Yeah, a pleasure in a minute.

How long did he say, Milkman?

How long did he say?

Now, whatever he said, 20 minutes.

Put that on the big board, Milkman.

20 minutes, okay?

The big board.

Quarter to, we need to call him back,

and you need to cancel the order

and tell him you don't like the food.

Thank you.

Very good.

Okay.

Let's keep on moving here

We're doing some more prank calls.

Indian Garden Restaurant's coming up now in Reno, Nevada.

Reno, Nevada, the biggest little city on the world, in the earth, isn't it, what it's called, or in the country?

I don't know.

It looks like a ship.

You're near Reno?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll go to Reno instead of going to San Francisco.

That would be a better idea.

Stay away from you.

Oh, brother.

Yes, hi.

This is Indian Cuisine.

Yeah.

Good, good.

Good. I'd like to make an order. Do you have chicken biryani?

Yeah, one chicken.

What do you mean? Hello? Hi, Ulu.

Order?

Yes, sir. Yes.

One chicken biryani? Yeah, milkman, shut up. One chicken biryani.

Do you have any tandoori chicken?

One tandoori chicken?

One tandoori chicken, yes.

Chicken.

Okay. And then I'd like you to take your shirt off when I come down.

So, in 15 minutes, should it be ready?

Will you take your shirt off for me, huh?

Will you take the shirt off, your shirt, take it off,

and I'll kiss you on your man nipples?

Hello?

Yes, I want you to take your shirt off when I come down.

Will you do that?

Can you accommodate me?

No?

Let's call back.

That was stupid.

Milkman, can we call yet to cancel the other order?

No?

Okay.

Not time yet.

He hung up again when we tried to call back.

Very rude of him.

India kebab and curry.

The kebab places seem to be very angry when I talk to them, I've noticed.

Maybe they're under a lot of stress to make kebabs.

I think kebabs are a hard thing to make, Milkman.

And that might be why.

Yeah, put some meat and veggies on a stick and roast them.

That's tough.

It takes a lot.

No, it takes a lot, Milkman.

It's a lot of pressure.

You've got to make that to order.

Or it'll dry out.

You've got to make it to order.

Do you know anything?

Yes, hi.

Is this kebabs?

Sorry?

Is this India kebab?

Yes.

And these kebabs, are they, like, is it like that Palestinian stuff they have down the street?

They put all this nice stuff on it and barbecue sauce, or what do you put on it?

Say again?

Do you put barbecue sauce on the kebabs like they do at the Palestinian place?

No.

What do you put on it?

Tomato sauce.

Cremata sauce?

Yeah.

Cremata what?

What?

Cremata what?

Your face?

Tomato sauce.

Oh, tomato sauce.

yes don't be nasty are you a bunchhood what bunchhood what is that that is you and your

sister bring your sister in front of me come front of me and i'll show you what is it i'll

show you what it is i'll punch you oh yeah i appreciate that i'll push you yeah that's that's

a good song get on top of you and i start kissing you and i rip your shirt off you have a hairy

chest or is it flat well what do you mean yes is it a hairy chest or no is that do you have hair

hair on your chest. I don't know. What is that? You know what hair is on your head? No, I never

see. You never see? Take your shirt off and get comfortable. Why don't you take your shirt off

and get comfortable with me? Anything else you need? Where are you from? Bengali or where are

you? Are you Bengali or where are you? I'm a Madrasi. Madrasi? Yeah. Are you a Dalit? What?

Are you a Dalit? What do you need? Are you a Dalit and you clean the shit? What do you need?

I need you to come clean my bathroom, Dalit.

Yeah, will you come over and clean my bathroom right away?

You dirty, disgusting Dalit, bottom of the system.

Yeah, you do a good job.

You know, we already got your number. We are recording right now, okay?

I don't give you permission, Dalit.

I'm recording. This is business, not for home fun.

I'm a Brahmin, and you're a Dalit.

I'm a Brahmin and you're a Dalit

Okay

You know what that means?

No, I don't

I'm better than you

What?

I'm better than you

Because you're a Dalit

Dalit

Yeah, that's nice

Uh-huh, okay

You're talking so sweet, that's why

Okay

Alright, Dalit

Anything else you need?

Come clean my bathroom

And do a good job this time

Cleaning the bathroom

Okay

I'm going to take a big shit

before i eat the yeah eat the food there i'll make you come then to my house and clean the

bathroom while i'm eating hello hello yes is this indian food yeah i want to make an order please

go ahead sir one chicken biryani uh-huh one sister one what one sister yes okay and no brother too

No, I just want your sister

Okay

One bhenchod

One ulu

And then I'm going to go down there

And look at you

And I want you to come front of me

And then I'm going to slap you in the face

No

Yes, I do this thing

I will do first

Are you a Dalit?

Are you Dalit?

Oh yeah

You are a Dalit

I have another Dalit on the phone

from india he's on the phone hello indian hello kebab indian kebab say something say something

in indian can you talk to the other guy please he hung up hey indian kebab are you still there

that was gandhis i called and gandhis they're like peaceful so they're not

indian kebab is still there listening like a pervert so hang on

hey i heard you himalayans don't like the indians is that right

Yeah, but where the Himalayas are, you guys hate the Indians, right?

Yeah, you don't like India though, right? Because they're bad people?

Yeah, you see, I have an Indian man who's listening now, and he said that he could kick any Tibet person's ass, he said.

Are you from Tibet?

Where are you from?

Oh, Nepal, that's what he said. He said anyone from Nepal.

I'm sorry.

I confused Tibet and Nepal because you people look the same.

You're all dark people.

Can I make an order, please?

Can I make a few orders?

Yeah.

Hey, Milkman, what is it?

My Barca, what is it, Milkman?

Barca.

Just Barca, okay?

Give me two minutes.

Barca.

Milkman, what is it in Nepalese?

Milkman, you told me.

Hello, yeah.

What does Barca mean?

Barca.

Barca, yeah.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm not getting you.

What is it?

There is a bad word that says something my Barca, you know what I mean?

What's that bad word?

What's the bad word in Nepalese?

Tell me a bad word.

It's just my Barca.

That one.

What would you like to have, sir?

Oh, do you have chicken biryani?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

One of those.

All right, one sister.

No, he's gone.

I'm going to get rid of the other guy because he's just sitting there.

Hey, kebab place.

Indy Kebab.

They're still there.

Indy Kebab.

Indy Kebab has been connected this whole time.

Yeah, it's busy.

They left it off the hook.

they were listening they probably had a speaker phone i'm calling gandhi's indian place and shit

oh that was the message hello indian kebab attention india kebab we need to speak

i won't i won't appreciate it that that man's voicemail or answer machine message is horrible

i thought it was him trying to talk like one that's how bad it was trying to act like he just

picked up and said oh hello yes this is answering voicemail and i cannot answer sir please do not

call again unless you're a customer and leave message thank you all right we're calling another

Another Tamba Indian cuisine.

I will call the police.

I'll call you police.

The bullies.

Bullies.

That's how they say it.

Bullies.

Tamba, I'm going to help you.

Yes, hi.

Hello, sir.

Is this Indian food or something stupid?

Uh-huh.

Well, is it Indian food?

Yes.

All right, stupid.

I'd like to make an order then, please.

You got it?

Yes.

That's right, stupid.

Hold on.

Thank you, stupid.

Hurry up.

The menu.

And why does it take so long for you to take my order?

What do you think?

I was not on the counter.

or I was on the back side.

Listen, stupid, I'd like to make an order.

You have chicken biryani?

One of those, damn it. Biryani?

Yes. One order?

Medium heat. Heat? Medium heat.

Medium? Yes. Okay.

One vegetable biryani?

Vegetable biryani.

Okay. One bhenchod?

What? One bhenchod?

What's it? One ulu? What?

One ulu. Just hold on, I don't understand

what he's... One gandu. Hello.

Yes, hi. I'm trying to make an order, and that stupid person doesn't understand.

Why don't you put Americans on the phone and take orders?

Yes, one chicken, what is it?

I want one chicken, oh, what's it called? Ask him, he knows.

Yes, one vegetable biryani.

Okay, one order, do you have papadums?

One order papadums.

One bhenchod.

One, yes, sir.

Bhenchod.

I didn't get you.

Bhenchod.

Okay.

Sorry, sir?

One Bhenchod.

Say it.

No, no, I didn't understand.

No, you know what Bhenchod is.

That's you, stupid.

Don't laugh.

It's not funny.

Listen, how many sisters do you have?

That was a quick disconnect there, man.

Whatever.

He cut right.

Is it time to call the first place yet?

I'm a cousin.

Yes, hi.

I'm sorry.

my name is patel and i was playing a joke oh your name is patel i am patel patel yes mr patel

mr patel and why are you saying like non-science thing because i just started learning indian i'm

i'm indian american but i don't know the language yes this is patel hit a star code i don't know

which one what's darker than the hand milkman you think star 69 i don't think so it was the

The tracing one.

Ooh, the tracing.

Star 69 code.

Hey, guys, let's get Jose.

Jose, are you ready, fucker?

Where's Jose at?

Milkman, Jose.

Jose, come over to the hose B.

Don't be stupid.

It's Jose, all right?

Don't complicate things, Milkman.

Bringing up Jose.

All right, I'm going to change to the hose B here.

I'm talking about hose A.

All right, I'm ready to be amazed.

Hey, Jose, you got to bring your volume up.

Okay, how do I do that?

nope how about me how about now i don't know it's okay what do you think milkman i think it should

be more i think it should be more i think we need more sound out of him well i'm using my webcam

mic right ah you see that's your problem right there well you need a regular mic this ain't

gonna work it's bad man yeah you gotta drive like arty yeah get yourself like a lapel like a five

$5 mic or a headset.

I do. It's the low-tech one,

but it doesn't work that much.

Oh, man. GDP.

Yeah, well, next time, man.

We'll work on it. We'll figure it out.

All right. See you later.

All right, bye. Bye. Poor Jose.

You know, you can't do

it with a webcam mic, right?

Isn't that bad? No, they don't sound good.

They do sound funky. You want a

dedicated mic. Preferably something

like a dynamic mic. No,

but just for him, he can

he can just get a freaking logitech headset it's fine something like that you know what i'm saying

yeah that's better than a usb mic those little ones in the camera those are not very good

you bring brighter days and i will rock this microphone hey guys guys guys hey biggins hey

can you guys hear me now oh jose yeah we hear you now man what's up all right sweet sweet sweet

you got this shit working fuck yeah hell yeah that's awesome now stop making so much noise

with it all right get yourself adjusted there and put your mic where you need it all right

did you go to the bathroom yep that's good very good very good awesome hey blackout you hear

blackout hey hang on jose shut up hey blackout how you doing man it's carlito from madhouse

I just saw you online.

I thought I'd say, hey.

I thought I'd say, hey, I think I don't know.

All right.

That's Blackout, everybody.

Blackout.com.

That's what he's had to say.

What a fucking retard Blackout is.

What the fuck is he talking about?

B-O.

What is he doing?

Wait, was he having a fucking stroke or something?

It sounded like he was having a stroke.

We had beer tonight.

We had beer tonight, huh?

I think Blackout was having a stroke.

Maybe someone needs to put their wallet in his mouth.

Jose, you here?

All right, who's that?

I'm here.

Fuck yeah, man.

So I thought you had like a Mexican accent.

Did you just put that on?

No, I do.

Oh, you do?

I see.

I have a British accent.

I think this would work pretty good if he does a Mexican accent, Milkman.

I think you should work with that.

Okay, let's try.

Let's see what that'll do.

I don't know what you think, but I think maybe that might be a good thing.

All right, let's try it.

Yeah.

Hey, all I got is Indian restaurants.

Are you okay with that?

I got a bail bonds place or a pizza place.

which one of those sounds good to you pizza place all right a pizza place can you see the

skype chat from where you're at like are you watching it although not really wait there's

um you're on a computer right all right i got it you got it you see the name of the place there

and the address yeah yeah yeah don't give out too much information okay all right so that's

what i'm going to call so now if they ask you know if you need to know like you know where it's at

ad or whatever you got some help all right so remember don't try not to give out the name of

the business entirely if you can it helps me out editing what else milkman just uh if you follow

that list of rules no threatening of violence no uh no uh sexual overtures to uh any juveniles

or threatening of children to rape them no uh request to bomb them or shoot them or pretending

like you're an ossifer so just do everything funny but don't do any bad stuff all right good

luck because here you go you're on your own see you later all failed oh what did i do it's my

fault that is not your fault jose that is my fault hang on i forgot the one huh go bitch go i help

you yeah is this tony's pizza place hello yeah is this tony's pizza place yes it is okay i live

I live right now in Illinois, and I see you're from Columbia, Missouri.

And I used to live there, and I'm just wondering if you could, like, deliver a pizza.

I'm having a hard time hearing you.

Your phone's kind of cut now.

I didn't hear what you said.

Well, I live in Illinois, close to Missouri, right?

Okay.

And I'm just wondering if you could deliver a pizza to me.

Where, yeah?

In Illinois right now.

St. Louis, yeah.

How am I going to do that?

Well, you could, like, get inside the car with a pizza and drive up here.

No, he didn't like that.

Oh, wow.

It's all right.

It's your first call.

Hey, I'm going to call an Indian place.

Stay on the line.

All right.

This is Indian Tech Support from Pranks by the Dozen, he says.

His name is.

I've never heard of this guy.

Very good.

We should call Blackout later and have him do some more funny noises.

Welcome to Google Aid.

Customers, press 1.

Oh.

Google Aids.

Thank you for calling.

Thank you for contacting Google.

This is Indian Tech Support.

This is Ashini.

How can I help you?

Hey, big girl.

How you doing there?

Yeah.

This is Google Aids.

How are you?

Huh?

Yes, this is Guru, right? How can I help you?

And you fix computer machines?

Yes, sir. We do fix computer machines.

Oh, that's awesome. Is Mr. Gondu there?

Mr.?

Gondu.

Let me check. Can you help me with your first name and the last name, please?

First name is Gondu?

No, no. Your name. Your name.

Oh, yeah. My first name is Bill.

B-E-L?

Uh-huh.

Bill. And the last name?

It's Bhenchod. It's B-A-H-N.

B-A-H-N

Uh-huh, C-H-O-D

C-H-O-D

Uh-huh

Okay, do you have any contract with Guru 8?

I'm supposed to, I'm on the computer

There's a website I can't get to on this stupid computer

And I'm going to throw it out the window

Can you confirm if the website is down?

Or is my computer having a problem?

Yeah, sure, we will check

Before that, let me just check

Who is the person working on your computer?

no no this is for a question for you this is the number they gave in a call

please just check this website make sure it's working okay well i can inform you that this

is guru 8 the leader in tech support we will do help you to get this issue fixed okay thank you

but uh before before that may i know do you have any contract with guru 8 i'm supposed to from my

My business.

You're supposed to have a contract with your business.

Yes, and I can't get to the business website.

We have a conference tomorrow.

It's bad.

I have to make an update.

If you can just make sure that it's not my computer and it's the website.

Because if it's the website, someone's going to be in big trouble in the server room.

I'm going to throw coffee in his face tomorrow.

Okay.

He's in.

Can you help me with your email address?

It's meatspin.com.

dot com

m-i

can you spell it

for me

no it's

bill

uh huh

at

meet spin

dot com

meet c-e

m-e-a-t

s-p-i-n

dot com

s-p-i-n

uh huh

dot com

spin dot

com

okay let me check

is patel there

is mr patel there

mr patel

yes

let me check

you better hurry up

do it now

thank you

okay

my thumb

Thumb. It's the thumb I put in my ass.

What do you think, Jose? How are we doing? I'm trying.

Trying to get him to go to Meatspin.

Yeah, I just hate this whole thing.

I don't know if it's going to work.

Probably work.

Oh, we got to cancel that order. Let me keep it on the line.

Hello? Supervisor?

Hello, sir.

No.

Thank you for calling Montero Mazzola. Is this Jose?

Yes. Hey, man. I'm calling. My name is Bill, and I made an order.

Yes, sir.

Do you have my order there?

Yeah, your order is ready, sir.

Oh, yeah, I'm calling to cancel it.

I don't want it because, I don't know, I changed my mind.

Let

me talk to the manager, okay?

Just give me one second.

Okay.

And why did you change your mind, sir?

Because I found out that I don't like Indian food.

Pardon me?

I realized that I don't like Indian food.

Let me explain to the manager.

Hold on.

Okay, thank you.

Waiting on the manager here.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Hi.

Hi, who's this?

This is Tapan.

Okay, yeah.

How can I help you?

Okay, you ordered some food, right?

Yeah, and I need to cancel that.

I don't think I like Indian food.

I'm not sure.

I'm kind of worried about it.

I think I'm just going to make some eggs and have some bread, a little bit of toast.

Did you already make the food?

Yeah, you already made the food for yourself.

All right, so what do I need to do then?

You tell me what you want to do, boss.

Well, I want to eat some eggs, you know.

I don't like Indian food.

So what did you order then?

I've never had it before.

So I understand that you didn't have it before.

Now you ordered and you're saying you don't like it.

So how about you try it and then say you don't like it.

Listen, I'm going to make some eggs and some toast and I'm sorry.

Don't get nasty with me, asshole.

Okay?

He's going to make eggs.

I've got this connected.

Man, she's all pissed off.

Please come and try it.

i think in england uh they get much angrier maybe lonesome if you're listening try to find some of

those indian well they're probably closed now maybe london has some 24-hour places i don't know

you never know lonesome always pulls them lonesome lonesome always finds them you know

hey big ken hello hi hi i'm having some problems on my system so uh go fuck yourself

basically that's what she was trying to do oh yeah i got fucking problems on this end too man

so go ahead and try back in like an hour yeah try rebooting your computer and i used to do that

shit all the time when i was working for when i wanted a break i'd tell people hey reboot your

computer okay i'd sit there chilling especially when i knew they had an old computer if a customer

called me like i got windows 98 said oh let's reboot that let's reboot that it would be like

like about two or three times it's chilling chilling on the internet hello yes hi is this

mcshane sorry is this d mcshane yes oh pleasant that's excellent my name is bill i'm calling from

the united kingdom water administration we're a subcontractor like we there's a call center and

we call our the bad customers of the water administration for the united kingdom the

The computer shows that there's a leak of water in your house.

Are you wasting water?

No.

Do you have any of your taps that are on or off right now?

Are they all off right now?

What about your refrigerators?

Is there any water leaking from the back?

No.

What do you mean, no?

Who are you?

I'm with the Water Administration of the United Kingdom.

I represent.

And there's water rationing going on because of the weather this year.

Yeah.

And we've got a computer machine here that tells us if anybody has a water leak

or a problem with the water table in their home.

Where are you based?

Where is your place of work?

International Business Machines in Chicago, Illinois.

But we're on a contract from the government of the United Kingdom.

Right.

Yeah, we watch it.

After hours, we watch it, and then they take over in their central office.

this i think it's somewhere near cambridge that's the cambridge the main cambridge branch

but after hours for emergency calls and they send it over here to the united states

because it's not so late over here you see yeah okay all right so i get the point i get the point

you get the point now i need you to go check the refrigerator because the computer fucker guy

fucking asshole that's why we have to deal with him well yeah i don't you're too polite so we

We've got to be dicks to him.

I don't care that he figured out the point.

What he needs to do is check the refrigerator is what it is,

and I'm trying to get someone tonight, it's my goal,

to get someone to unplug the refrigerator at some point.

That will be a win for the night.

I don't know why I said that as a bar for the night,

but it's what I've done, guys.

I've got a couple quotes for you to try to get through on calls.

By the end of the night, try to tell someone

that you're going to slap the cum out of their mouth.

Slap the cun out of their mouth.

The cum, rather.

or if you get somebody

that's being real nasty

and you're calling representing a business

tell them do I come to

your work and slap the cock out of your mouth

do I come down to where

you work and jump up and down

on the bed

I like that one but come in the mouth is good

welcome to voicemail

the person you have called is

unavailable please leave a message

shut up

it is also nice that we are less than two weeks now

from the thanksgiving show oh my god i know doesn't it seem thanksgiving is coming earlier

this year than normal it does yes it does it does right yeah i did somebody ask earlier they're like

oh what are you guys doing a thanksgiving show i'm like uh here's last year's why don't you

give that a listen to that all five hours but then i understand we did a five hour show on

saturday which i don't remember like more than 10 percent of yeah because i had to tell you because

the YouTube

cuts off in four hours

and you had to restart it for like another

hour. Holy shit.

So what else got done?

I can't believe I can't remember this.

I was out of time.

Definitely the 357 to the dick

was the number one.

I think Brent Westwood

was the other one that got in on that call that you were

searching for. Okay. Brent Westwood.

I think Brent was either the first

or second one. I think Brent may have called to

to apologize brett yeah well he was basically the the primary one on that one dirty aaron playing

brent westwood because i just passed him right off to him because i started cracking up for

some stupid reason i said something entirely stupid i i had fucking tears in my eyes like

the whole call i had my fucking mic unit out so i was sitting there like oh my god yeah because

aaron's this dirty aaron's is like you tell your dogs to shut the fuck up you know basically she's

like what they're outside first of all yeah and then zyklon called back as a manager zyklon

actually came through with a normal voice and it worked out for him maybe like the third call

like three minutes later she's got the imaginary cops fucking hanging out dragging her away from

the phone and shit oh man that lady's a trip uh nunu wants us nunu wants us to call the six

toilets lady from a few weeks ago but i have no idea which of her numbers it was that we called

that's a shame because you could either uh call and say that uh you're from a plumbing company

or some shit or you're checking on her toilet she'd be like i have six and there's like are

you checking on this one no i'm checking on this fucking other one to keep calling her

about these same toilets oh either that or if you could find her number and address you could

call a plumbing company and try to send a fucking six plumber six is the number hello

Is this old man McShane?

Good.

I'm from the computer, and the computer says that your water in your refrigerator is leaking.

The water in your refrigerator is leaking.

I'm from the computer.

Can you go to the kitchen and check your refrigerator and unplug it?

No.

Don't hang up.

No.

Or if I hang up, I can call you back.

Okay.

He follows directions pretty well.

He does.

Hey, it's Dirty Aaron.

Hang on.

That dirty motherfucker.

Hey, boy.

He's still connecting.

He's trying to connect them.

Look at his picture.

He is fucking dirty.

Yep.

What the fuck is going on?

Hey, dirty.

Something's wrong with my microphone not working.

Sounds like enemy.

Oh, yeah?

Sounds good to me, too.

Yep.

Hey, Jose says it sounds good.

There you go.

Now we need Zyklon.

Hang on.

Let me get Zyklon here.

Stand by.

Yeah, and Jose is the fucking authority on microphones.

microphones who's these microphones he doesn't even have one you know you got to talk right

into it that's the problem with his yeah hi is this international cactus machines hey they're

big zyklon how are you hey how's it going ready to throw down this weekend oh yeah it's you and

me boy and i think i got a strong team i think i finally came under my bi-week droughts so i think

ESPN says you're losing by five.

Bullshit.

That's the current projection.

I don't buy it.

I looked at our lineup, and I think my players are way more consistent.

And some of your –

Yeah, yeah, totally.

And your projections, I think your players, quite frankly,

some of them are way over-projected, to be honest with you.

Yeah, probably.

Kenny Britt plays Baltimore, but apart from that,

I've pretty much got an easy slate on defense.

Man, I wish I had Bears defense.

That would be awesome.

You see, the last week or two weeks ago,

I was projected to lose by, like, 50,

and I ended up winning by about 70.

You're according to the messaging, Sammy.

Oh, sorry.

Snuck that one in on you guys.

Yeah, you did?

Here's a funny story that happened today.

So the truck that is supposed to deliver the gun,

the normal Thursday shipment, got lost and got stuck in the ghetto.

Did they take his guns?

no he's calling like yeah this looks like a bad neighborhood how do i get your store again

high risk delivery are you near a bad neighborhood or something like is it easy to get lost in the

hood it's literally like 20 miles away oh wow he was way off he got stuck in the ghetto is beyond

me maybe he was out looking for weed or something and then you know i figured i got guns no one's

gonna fuck with me and maybe he'd like trade a gun you know that could be it you should have

have told them you're gonna have an investigator for going to the hood to trade guns yeah yeah

we keep pretty tight inventory so it's pretty hard for him to try to do something like that

maybe a clean gun though man that's what they call in the streets a clean gun

clean gun i don't even know what the fucking clean gun is i'm talking about i'm talking like

the fucking shield the clean gun is that gun is a good color shield it's really really popular

okay all right yeah cool all right hey there you go we'll check that out shieldgun.com

here's a number that we're going to call numbers those are always fun my favorite pc repair yeah

computers you know pc your repair computer repair i don't know if you have to you have to okay

whatever make make an effort make some kind of an effort not to it helps me edit the show you

know all it does is make it so the shows come out earlier that's all so what do sandy and

and Snooki have in common?

Jersey blowing.

What is it?

They blew half the East Coast.

There you go.

Knew it.

I heard a variation.

They both came into Jersey Shore

and blew everything in a 50-mile radius

or something like that.

I have Tiger Woods jokes, but they're old.

Yeah, do you see Artie fucking destroyed me

in fantasy football last week, Carlito?

Oh, fuck him, really?

Why tie that?

Who's going to be benched on this?

259 to 171.

I was losing by one until Michael Vilk played

And he just got me my win

That's all I needed

Fuck the Eagles

I'm a chick

He's got a computer

Slow computer

Who's taking it

Please leave your message

Too late

How stupid is it

You got a slow computer

Just gotta back up your stuff and fucking blast it

That's it what else you gonna do

Play for Magnum baby

Here's the thing

is actually, I highly recommend

44 Magnums for data security.

You know, you wipe your hard drive, but you still

think there may be sensitive stuff, just take it

out and put a couple 44 Magnum rounds through it.

Nobody will get that drive.

The lady last week on Saturday, I take her method.

I recommend a .357 myself.

.357 in the dick.

Wow. In the hole, the dick

hole. Yeah.

She's going to put the gun in the

dick hole and then blast. That's

fucking... Oh, do you still have her

it's gonna be like a peeled banana a peeled banana uh skin what's this lady oh i don't know

same number from before i was gonna take it hang on i'm copying the list at the tone

all right if you're just joining us just repeating what we just said the top of the

segment here we are calling uh numbers these are people that have left their computer machines to

to be repaired hopefully some of them answer put an updated list there in a skype chat for you guys

who are joining on skype tonight i think uh maybe one of the stories is bill works in the uh

con and got drunk and back and pissed in one of the computers and it's fucking destroyed now

there you go jose you want to try one of these men yeah i'll take it i'm gonna do the first one

on the list which is amy there you go good luck bill bill's just out of fucking control tonight

Do it, hoes.

Get it, hoes.

Hoes.

All right.

Josie?

Hello?

Yeah, is this Amy?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm calling from the tech support, and right now you're suffering from a blue waffle screen of death.

What?

You are suffering right now from a blue waffle screen of death.

Am I right?

Blue waffle?

Yes.

Screen of death.

Who are you?

I'm Felipe from the customer tech support.

report and right now it only says right now on my computer that you are suffering from a blue

waffle screen of death oh on my computer yes or it might be you but can you tell yeah can you tell

me what is that exactly my mom's computer like where are you it's like almost midnight i know

i know i'm right now in new york yeah okay okay but i'm trying to help you right now i'm like in

in bed i'm sound asleep but can you get up out of bed and get to your computer it's gonna be a

quick easy process why not it's not my computer it's my mom's you know i don't care i you someone

gave me the number and i had to call it okay but it's the middle of the night and i work at seven

in the morning i'm it's not my computer i don't know what you want me i know it's a middle of

lady don't cut me off because that's rude but uh i know it's my job to help you the customer is

is always right okay then call in the morning when i'm awake yeah but they gave me the number

to call you right now because this is a blue waffle screen up that what okay well can you

get out of bed and get to the fucking computer please yeah too bad it was her mom's computer

what's even better is you should have you know when she said it was her mom's computer start

telling her well i think the issue is there's a lot of porn on this computer what has your mom

been doing? You should have said you were in the

call center in Mexico. I think that'd be funny.

Or even out on the

West Coast. That would have bought him three hours.

Yeah, California.

Carly DeRoy. I meant to ask you this.

East L.A.

East L.A.?

Jose from East L.A.?

Jose from East L.A., there you go.

Hold on,

let me do one.

I'll do another one.

This is a virus one.

Virus. Alright, William

William McFarlane.

Yeah, you got that one?

Next one on the list there, boy.

William McFarlane.

What's the problem?

Oh, man.

You know what I want to watch now?

Ford Fairlane.

That's a good movie, man.

You see old William has a slow-running unit.

I don't know if that has to do with the computer or a personal problem.

His tower is slow.

Yeah, tower is slow.

The tower.

Oh, hi.

Is this Larry?

Hello, who is this?

Who is this?

William.

Oh, hi.

My name is Larry.

I'm from tech support.

and I was calling about your computer.

At 1124 9th?

I'm in Hawaii, sir. It is...

Okay, what about it?

Yeah, unfortunately, we've had to do a few modifications to your computer.

Mainly put a couple 44 Magnum rounds to it, because it is unsalvageable.

Will that bite me again?

Put simply, your computer has about 544 Magnum holes in it.

Wonderful. I like that.

We couldn't salvage it, I'm sorry.

And because, I mean, it was such a horrible, crappy piece of shit,

so we just took it out and decided to put it out of its misery.

I like that, too.

But could you do me a favor?

Replace the whole thing.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Okay, thank you.

Goodbye.

I don't think he bothers.

I'm just confused.

Are the computers in the actual store, or are they tech support over in a call center?

I don't know.

I don't know, right, because it says tech support.

Hello, my name is Frank, and I'm tech support from a MediCat.

All right, let me try to call one.

Hang on.

Hang on, guys.

Brent, you want to do one later?

You want to do one next?

Yeah, let's do it.

All right, big Brent.

Hold off.

Not this one.

This one, me.

Okay.

This one, you.

Earliest time.

I'm ringing, cunt.

Oh, hey, I was just thinking we should do some Puerto Rico calls and say, hey, we're

from the government, and there's no way to hell you're getting statehood.

Exactly.

I don't want Puerto Rico to become a state.

Fuck that shit, man.

Will it be cheaper to fly there if they become a state?

No.

It's pretty cheap now.

Nah, that won't care.

it'll be the same price yep so hey we're calling spanish is like five words i've got england here

who wants to call any of that uh aaron you got to call i do i want to call it aaron's up aaron's up

he's a wiener okay you get jumped after the last time you called seville all the time yeah he got

pretty mad all right here we go first one on the list good luck with that are we calling

again yep that's all i get from these guys it's the same person how is your new hello

Hello, Sovel. Is this P. Sovel?

Yes.

Yeah, how's it going?

This is Brent Westwood calling from International Water Machines.

I'm not interested in this. I'm in bed.

I'm sorry, you're going to have to take the phone.

I'm not interested in water machines.

You're going to have to speak into the phone, stupid.

I don't have time for your mumbling.

Bye-bye.

All right.

These are the numbers.

Lonesome is resending one of them so we can try to find...

You want six toilet ladies?

Yeah, six toilet lady we're trying to find, yeah.

I don't remember who she was

I just gotta ask for Bruno Vega

Bruno Vega what

do you remember Bruno Vega

yeah I remember Bruno Vega sure

be right back

you know the story right

yeah yeah the water guy

he's from Puerto Rico he's like a gangster dude

right

Bruno Vega

Tristan sent in a number for the archery club in Australia

Jen Stewart isn't here but he says we should call

and let them know that Jen Stewart

Jen Stewart is calling

to teach classes to stupid...

I got some Puerto Rican numbers

here, bro. One of the listeners sent

in, man. So check the board.

Who did? Broccoli? Boricua.

Was it Broccoli? Boricua.

Yeah, Boricua. Boricua.

Oh, Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah.

Hey, Carlito, when you call that

archery number, start telling them

your demand is...

Demand what?

I was about to say, let me talk to him and say that

archery is for sissies.

And that real men use guns.

Stop talking about guns so much, for God's sake.

You're freaking me out.

Who's taking it?

I forgot.

You want it? Take it.

Yeah, sure. I'll take it.

Hello?

Hi, is this the archery store?

Yes, can I help you?

Yes, hi.

There's a British guy coming in.

His name is Jim Stewart, and I'm supposed to be having lessons with him.

Sorry?

There's a British guy coming in.

His name is Jim Stewart, and I'm supposed to be having lessons from him.

When's he having lessons?

It's supposed to be at 1800 tomorrow.

At what time, sorry?

Eighteen hundred.

What time's that?

Six o'clock is it?

I don't know.

I thought y'all used 24th hour time like the rest of the world does.

Yeah, but is that the clock?

Is that correct?

Right.

Has he booked already?

I don't know.

Who's supposed to take care of that?

He's supposed to be showing up with a bunch of bows, crossbows, a bunch of vodka, and

we were going to get drunk and do some archery together.

Right.

So what's the phone call about?

What's the phone call about to tell me that this gentleman's coming or?

He's coming at six.

He's supposed to have called y'all.

No, he hasn't called me.

No.

Oh, what the fuck, man?

Seriously.

He's supposed to make all the arrangements.

I don't know anything about it.

Hmm.

Well, maybe I must have called the wrong place.

This is archery, right?

It is.

This is Mrabin Archery Club.

Oh, wait a minute.

I know what was the problem.

I was supposed to call the Thousand Yard Range.

I'm thinking of the completely wrong country.

And you know what?

I was supposed to call my golf club.

Whoops.

Zyclon, if I can interrupt.

Sir, is it because you're a stupid Australian, maybe?

This is the archery club.

He's done no booking with me.

Yeah, but because you're a stupid Australian,

you don't know what it is, what's happening?

Is it because your grandpa was a prisoner?

Is that why you're stupid?

Archer.

Fucking a ruse.

Sorry, I was trying to work the whole drunk thing.

What the hell happens?

You ended up in the KDK zone having a conversation.

Yeah, I was trying to get a piss off about the whole drunk thing.

I've heard awesome ideas in the Skype chat for you

if you had some problems.

I'm on my phone.

I can't read the Skype chat.

Your phone.

Your phone is aged.

Dennis McShane is the name of a corrupt Labor Party politician who lost his job this week for fraudulent expense claims.

That's why we were just calling so many McShanes that Lonesome Loser was sending.

Now it makes sense.

I knew there was something going on.

Holy shit.

Thank God.

I've been calling Seville for two weeks.

Wow.

Wait, what party is this guy?

I don't know.

We got Puerto Ricans, though.

So Puerto Rican's the call from, yeah, from Boriqua, whatever that means.

Boriqua.

I know.

It's fucking hog shit.

We got lonesome over there fucking standing back at us.

Whatever, Boriqua, I know.

Call the Puerto Rican and ask if they'd vote for Mitt Romney

and say Mitt Romney would great you statehood.

I got so mad at some guy in high school who thought it was really cool

to make a fucking, like, a graffiti tag that said Boriqua on it.

and he put it on his book bag

and he spelt it with a Q-U-A instead of a C-U-A

and I told him how stupid he was.

I was like, hey, you know, you're so stupid,

you didn't even spell it right.

So ignorant.

He slapped the shit out of him.

He didn't have Google back then.

He was a pendejo.

Hey, this is Cross.

How are you doing there, big guy?

Okay, I'm fine.

I'd like to know about these donuts.

Donuts, are they the same as American donuts?

How many holes do they have in them?

Kiss me, what am I?

Hurry up.

Go count the holes, boy.

Okay.

Hey, damn it.

How are you?

Fine.

How is it?

How many holes on your donuts?

This is Bill Bollocks.

I'm coming on vacation from the United States.

And I understand you people have a Dunkin' Donuts just like in America.

And I want to come down and have some donuts and some coffee.

Hello.

How many holes do your donuts have?

How many holes does she have?

How many inputs is she?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Ask her how big her holes are.

I would say, yeah, I would say about 80% of Puerto Rico speaks English now.

Either that or tell her you're looking for a job and you're an expert in glazing things.

I'm sorry.

Hello.

Are you still?

Hello, yes.

I was asking a question about the donuts.

What do you want to know?

How many holes are in the donuts here?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to tell you right now.

I don't know.

One hole.

One.

Looks like one or maybe two.

It's a zero, though.

Zero.

Looks like a zero.

Did I fuck it?

You did more than just donuts inside my coffee.

I was going to ask you if it was a two-hole guy.

What?

Can we call Turkish guy, please?

Hang on.

They don't ever answer anymore.

They got the answering machine running on Thursday night.

We surprised them on fucking Saturday.

That was funny as fuck, too.

I'll just call and say.

This is the Republican campaign.

Thank you for your vote for Mitt Romney.

You know what?

Another call was on Saturday.

Carlitos, we called Zappos, kept telling him a bunch of racist-ass jokes.

Did we really do that?

Yes, we did.

We were firing him off.

We had the manager, and he still wanted to get off the line.

I could get through the racist joke after I told the Sandy one.

I'm not sure.

Yes, hi.

I'm an American, and I'm coming to Dunkin' Donuts.

Okay, don't worry.

Okay, we have quesitos, we have strawberry donuts.

Oh my God, you do quesitos here, man, at Dunkin' Donuts?

Yes.

Oh, what else you got that's different? Tell me.

We have quesitos with guayaba, guayaba cheese.

Oh, shit. That's so odd. It's different. They don't have that in the United States, fucker.

What else you got?

We have strawberry, marbles, vanilla, and chocolate, and we have almost everything you want to order.

And the donuts have one hole?

What?

The donuts only have one hole in them, right?

Yes.

Okay, and then are you a one-hole or a two-hole kind of guy yourself?

One hole.

So which one?

I don't know which one you want.

I don't know, your mouth maybe. I don't trust you.

Now you order whatever you want.

All right, so I'll come down with that.

We'll do some poppers.

You want to reserve any donut or everything?

Yeah, I'll have your whole.

How many do you want?

One thousand, half?

I just want one cherry donut.

We don't have cherry donut.

We have jelly donut.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, and then I'll take that for you.

I'll buy you a donut.

We'll sit down and we'll talk and we'll drink coffee and have a donut.

So you want how many?

Well, how many donuts can you eat with me?

Whatever you want.

You want six?

I want what?

How many donuts do you want?

I'm coming down to eat with you.

Okay, you want to come to give me donuts?

With you.

Okay.

Like I want to sit down at the table and have donuts with you.

Okay, is this a joke or?

No, I like you.

You're nice.

You're a nice little Puerto Rican boy.

Hey, Aaron's going to say something to you because I'm losing it.

Hang on.

Aaron.

Does your sister like donuts?

Hey.

I'm sorry, man. I don't understand you.

Hey, is this...

You don't understand me because I don't speak Mexican?

No, no. I speak Spanish.

Okay.

Oh, I don't know how to speak Mexican.

What's your name, Gonzales?

Thank you for calling.

Bye.

Kimchi?

That is fucking customer service right there.

What hole do you want? I want your hole.

Anything you want.

Anything you want. No problem.

I was getting all those jokes, but they were going to say...

Yeah, I think you're ready to do a ring toss there, man.

He wants you to get out the hole box today.

dude listen they've got quesitos there and that's a puerto rican dessert at the duncan donuts i bet

you that's good as fuck and then the guava cheese one is good as fuck it's like a phyllo dough kind

of triangle thing milkman it's almost like a turnover but it isn't really glazed like that

and it's just a simple like it's a like a sweet cream cheese and uh and a fruit jelly oh yeah it's

good. They got guava

ones there. Oh, dude, you gotta look

at KC doing this. Why are all the

baked goods when they get at the carniceria, why do they

all taste the fucking same? Dry

and with just the sugar on top.

And oily? No, no, I mean that's

the fried stuff.

Where are you going? Is that Mexican

or where are you going? Yeah, it's a Mexican

carniceria. Ah, Mexicans have

shit for fucking

desserts.

Desserts.

The cheese fly.

That's the one, man, the cheese flan.

You need Cuban or Puerto Rican, we'd make some good fucking cheese flan.

Conjito?

Oh, shit, man, I missed that.

Listen, all those Mexicans, all they ever had, don't tell them I said this,

all they ever have is corn.

That's all they got is corn, and they're corning this and corning that.

You know, in the islands, we have, yeah, I was going to say, yeah, I forgot.

It's true, man, come on.

You know, in the islands, we got our fruits and stuff, you know, and we make.

Like fish, yeah.

I think it's all depending on where they developed from.

Like in Mexico, the cultivation of corn was important.

But there's also this awesome Mexican place near where I work.

They serve what they call the mi abuelos manjar, which is...

My grandfather's dick?

Is that really what it is?

What is it?

Yeah, tell me.

What's in it?

Oh, man, I'm going to ask that next time I'm there.

But it's three enchiladas, ground beef with two eggs on top,

and then all of it covered with chili con carne.

Oh, shit, that sounds good.

Wow.

Yes, it is.

I'll put some cheese on that, too, motherfucker.

Some Monterey.

You can call it Dunkin' Donuts back and tell them that you bought the coffee,

and it tastes like somebody shit in a filter and just ran some water through it.

All right, here's the 7-Eleven.

The 7-Elevens are...

All right, 7-Eleven, Puerto Rico.

Do the same shit with 7-Eleven, dirty.

Dirty.

It's fucking dope.

I wanted to talk to him.

Oh, God.

All right, call.

There you go.

Dirty's got it.

Yay.

You're next, Zyklon, bitch.

Fucking rogue employee shitting in filters on a coffee.

Your call cannot be connected.

Please call again.

Your call did not go through.

Would you please try your call again?

See?

Exactly what I said.

I'm on the fly.

Tristan, make that call.

It must be some Australian numbers.

Fucking flying fast and loose.

Here's Levi's Restaurant and Grill.

Do you still want this or are you going to defer to the man?

I'll go for Levi.

All right.

Levees or Levi's?

I don't know.

Probably some Jews in Puerto Rico.

Jewing it up and taking advantage of the good Puerto Rican people.

Just like a good Jew does.

Yeah, don't let me talk to Jews.

I was kidding, but okay.

Kick ass.

Zappos go.

Big birthday to Harvey CP.

Happy birthday, Harvey CP.

A few days ago.

I sent you a cactus cake.

egg cinema virus it's funny gort virus yeah hello is levi there sorry yeah can you hear me

hello hello is levi there hello hello are you there i'd like to make an order yes yeah what

kind of food do you have there we're gonna have food yeah well we actually have churaco we have

We have a 10 pounds, 22 pounds, and we have a 16 pounds.

16 pounds?

Yeah.

We have fried chicken.

Fried chicken?

We have rice, seasoned rice.

Uh-huh.

Do you make it?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, I don't want any fried chicken that's touched by Puerto Ricans.

Do you have any Americans there that can make it for me?

We have six.

Six Americans?

We have steak.

We have ribs.

Are you listening to me?

I'm looking for, how about a cheese sandwich?

Cheese.

Oh, you want a sandwich?

Yeah, cheese and bread and then cheese.

That's all I want on the sandwich.

Okay, you want bread, right?

Yes, I want bread.

No ham or nothing?

Dirty Puerto Rican fingers.

You want bread, cheese, and bread.

Only that.

That's it.

No lettuce, no tomato, no chicken, no nothing.

Yeah, can you hear me okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

I don't think you're understanding.

I don't want any Puerto Rican fingers on my food.

So you got to make sure they have bread.

Exactly, that's what I'm letting you know.

I'm letting you know.

I'm reading what you're asking me.

I'm reading that you told me you want bread, cheese, and bread.

I'm telling you, you don't want no tomato.

You don't want no lettuce.

Yeah, that's right.

Brent, can you order me something, Brent, too?

Yeah, hold on.

My friend wants to order something, too.

You ready?

Okay.

I want a sandwich also.

You got sandwiches?

Yes, we have turkey sandwich.

We have cheeseburger sandwich.

Or if you really want the sandwich with ham and cheese.

I'm looking for a dick cheese sandwich.

Do you have one of those?

Ham and cheese alone?

No, the dick cheese.

It's real salty.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, go ahead and fire one of those up for me. Go ahead, Brett. I got my order.

Yeah, you got yours? Okay, so we got a cheese bread and cheese sandwich, and then a Big Dick cheese sandwich, and then do you have some drink with there?

Yes, we have Coke, we have Sprite, we have Marlboro, we have Mystic, we have Cola Champagne, we have water.

Oh yeah, can I get a Champagne?

We have Diet Coke and...

I like my Big Dick cheese sandwich with some Champagne.

A Cola Champagne?

Yeah, and then the big dick cheese sandwich, and then a cheese and bread and cheese sandwich.

Oh, and what your friend wants to drink.

Huh?

What your friend wants to drink.

We're going to share, and then when I'm done, I'm going to shove the champagne bottle up his ass.

When we're done, I'm going to shove the champagne bottle up his ass.

Hey, Brent, you think we can get her to piss in a bottle?

I'd love to drink that.

Yeah, maybe we can come over and we can put the champagne bottle up your ass, too.

Oh, would you piss in a champagne bottle for us?

I'd love to drink that.

Why do you mean you go pour some champagne water up my ass?

Because it's hot.

Are you disrespecting me?

Huh?

Are you disrespecting me?

No, I would never disrespect you.

I think you look at me.

Excuse me.

Would you like me to disrespect you?

I got 10 inches of heart.

No, exactly, but that's what you're doing.

Well, I would never disrespect a stupid Puerto Rican woman.

I mean, you know.

I'm not a Puerto Rican woman, so I'm sorry.

Go make the food.

Oh, are you stinking Mexican?

Oh, you're Jewish.

Is that right?

Excuse me?

I'd like you to go on back and put your butt cheeks on.

Wait a minute.

What are you?

are you dominican yes i am you piece of shit do you see what i said guys remember what i said

earlier about these dominicans that ruined puerto rico here's one right now they're coming to take

over the country i don't want to drink dominican piss that's fucking gross who cares i'm fucking

hungry i told you it was a fucking dominic i knew it i could tell the little accent of hers

she wasn't listening at all you see what i mean you see how you know when we call the restaurants

and over on the West Coast, it's Mexicans

that answer all the time? There you go.

That's what I told you, fuckers, right?

I really enjoyed this.

I'll ask another one and we'll talk to them.

Dirty ass, nasty ass.

It's really funny that they have a dick cheese sandwich

at their fucking restaurant.

She was starting to let loose, though.

She was like, I hope you're not disrespecting me.

You're not disrespecting me.

She got all Rosie Perez up on her ass.

What do you mean you're going to put

a champagne bottle up my ass?

Billy, where's my money, Billy?

When I say I'm thirsty, that doesn't mean I want some water.

I want you to sympathize.

I just watched that fucking movie the other day.

Yeah, didn't you?

I haven't seen it in so long.

Why?

Why would you do that?

I watched it online.

It's a good fucking older movie.

I mean, if you want to watch Wesley Snipes, all those crazy fuckers.

Is Wesley Snipes out of jail yet?

For the tax evasion?

I don't know that he ever went.

Did he ever go?

He went. I didn't hear how long

he got, though. He got a few years.

I think he's got to be out by now, because that was way back

in 2005, right?

Wasn't it? 2006?

Who knows? The whole Wesley Sands thing?

It was around that area.

Yeah.

Anyway, I was going to say, I hope...

I saw him in a couple movies

two years ago.

Oh, well, then he's out. Did you see any

unedited version

of that movie? Because that's

worth it for Rosie Perez's Big Nips.

she's got some big silver dollar nips oh yeah i like that huge nips i got the dvd yeah big nips

man i want to get a story right he's got the dvd and he paused it i did that with the vhs when i

was a kid i was like hell yeah i watched his jerk off and rosie and that's how i knew where's my

money billy billy where's the money i was just too she was wasn't she she was smart because she

wanted to be on jeopardy yeah she was yeah that's funny she had the shitty um she had the shitty

accent, and one of the questions, they didn't

understand what she said, and they were about to give her

it wrong to her, and the judge just let her go

through.

What's the problem, Billy?

Mont Vesuvius. Whatever the fuck that was.

Mont Vesuvius.

Hey, Tristan said he sent in some

numbers for the Request a Pink.

Oh, yeah.

You fucking liar.

Yeah, can we call a Puerto Rican place?

Because I want to do a whole order game thing.

I'm out of Puerto Rican numbers for now.

I'm sure we'll get more.

in 2010 snipers began serving a three-year prison sentence in in pennsylvania for a misdemeanor

god damn three years for misdemeanor misdemeanor failure to file tax income tax returns i'll give

you that for misdemeanor three years he must have got out early like a misdemeanor that makes it a

felony because a misdemeanor by law is anything under a year yeah i'm trying to see he got sent

He sent this in 2008.

He didn't start serving in 2010.

I'm getting there.

Because he can afford good lawyers.

On June 6, 2011, the United States Supreme Court declined to hear Snipes' appeal.

Snipes is being held at McKean Correctional Institution,

a federal prison in Pennsylvania,

scheduled for release on July 19, 2013.

He must have did those movies before he went in.

Yeah.

Could you imagine the type of fucking tax fucking bill he would have

from all those movies he did?

It was a few years, I thought.

So, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, it was like multiple years.

It might be this.

There's a movie called Gallow Walker where he's –

filming began in 2006 and it was released in 2011.

But the year in IMDb says 2012, so I'm confused why they would say that.

I don't know if it came out this year or last year,

but that might be what you were thinking there, Ken, with Big Wessie Snipes.

Yeah, there was – I can't remember what was even in it.

I know he was in it.

All right.

How about some more prank calls?

Let's see what we got here.

No, no.

One social prank call at Walmart.

No, no.

Yeah.

Prank at Walmart.

No, no.

I want to.

You should figure it out.

That makes me happy.

Make sure to tell me your name is.

There's a video going viral of employees at a Walmart throwing iPads around.

Maybe be ignorant of the video.

Call saying you bought an iPad and it's not working.

See how long it takes for them to admit what they do.

oh yes i just want to do this okay cool the the way walmarts are i bet you anything they

fucking uh the night shift doesn't even know what the fuck it's about that's my servant

what are you talking about i never heard of it i was just gonna say that i lost my kid there

you're what i lost my kid yeah that doesn't work friday cracks did that but that's just

did they do a code adam yep uh well friday night cracks i mean did they do a code adam

them uh i don't i don't remember i just remember yeah they did you did mention oh they did that's

not good man i don't know about that shame on those kids those kids know better i have to talk

with them yes can i speak to electronics one minute please yes i bought an ipad from y'all

yesterday uh and when i took it out of the packaging the screen was cracked can you tell

Tell me, what the fuck is going on?

Uh, hold on.

My managers are right over next to me,

so they should be able to pick up the phone right here in a minute.

No, because there's something going on with them,

and managers have been taking care of it.

Hold on, I'll get to him.

Sounds just like the guy from the video.

Yes, I bought an iPad from y'all yesterday,

and I took it out of the box, and the screen was cracked.

Is there any reason why the fuck that would happen?

I haven't a clue.

I know we've seen some videos on YouTube.

I'm sure you have as well.

But if you've got a damaged iPad, you can bring it back and be more than glad to replace it.

What is this YouTube?

I bought it just for the wife so she could watch her Netflix.

All I know is the screen was cracked.

And I don't know how the hell one of those got out of the security room.

Yeah.

Well, like I said, if the screen's cracked, we'd be more than glad to take care of you.

Just bring it back, box and receive, and we'll take care of you right again.

Well, I'm more concerned about why this would happen.

I mean, I got half my...

What's your name?

My name is Matt.

Matt, well, I've got half my mind to call corporate and let them know about this

and say, nobody's giving me any answers.

I bet they'd have all your asses fired.

Matt, we're KDK.

That's who we are.

Have you ever heard of KDK?

I'm KDK, and that's Bill.

Yeah, we run kdkprintcalls.com.

Okay.

And I want you to know that you're on there, KDK, kdkprintcalls.com.

You're talking to Bill Messigan.

Don't mess with us again.

I don't know why I did that, Zyklon.

It wasn't going anywhere, that's why.

Yeah, that was all right.

I figured I was going to push the old call corporate,

and corporate doesn't give a shit as long as the customer is happy.

Yeah, you should have told them there was a giant picture of a penis on your fucking iPad,

and you could delete it, and there's crap.

Speaking of that, speaking of penis,

we're all going to shut up while I watch the video for 48 seconds.

This is why you don't buy an iPad from Walmart.

I'll go pet the cat.

Shut up.

I want a car so low.

Shut up.

See, we like to throw shit.

Shit, that's iPad number three we've thrown.

I think the next one's going to hit the ground.

I don't know.

It's hard telling.

We get all kinds of shit.

Oh, there's one.

Oh, oh, there's another iPad.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

Maybe.

Oh, dang.

Oh, wow.

Sorry about that iPad.

Oh, I hope nobody buys that.

Oh, oh.

That's not going to do nothing to an iPad, especially when it's in a box.

Who cares?

Did you see the link that Josie posted about a stolen Roadster or a stolen Go-Kart?

Stolen go-kart?

Yeah, they got a number up here for you to call.

Let's catch a thief.

Somebody stole this shit.

Hey, God, tell me what happened.

Someone stole a golf cart.

It says, this has been stolen between the hours of 8 p.m. Thursday, July 19th, and the morning of July 20th.

Five-horsepower go-kart with fiberglass roaster body.

Awesome fun for kids.

New clutch and chain.

If anyone has seen or knows where this item is, please call someone's own number.

Let's catch a thief.

Thank you, and I'm sorry, who sent this again?

uh josie was he in the time warp jose jose sent it oh yeah was jose in a time warp because that

said july i don't know the fucker hasn't found it i'm using the calendar you found it in the ghetto

it's in the ghetto i called him like like two days ago and told him that uh i was gonna take

it to california because i'm a trucker and he got all mad at me so probably he will get mad again

still available numbers we got a tiny turkish hang on we'll get to that but right now we got

a tiny turkish cafe always brimming with peckish party goers thanks to the lovely

family atmosphere and comforting home-cooked meals it's a 24-hour turkish place in the united

kingdom let's give them a call i will call this let's see fucking you fucking you remember they

are all high one high one high one high two and your name is stallion jose where'd you put that

that number jose in the chat in the yep all right i said i sent it in yes hello i'd like to make an

order yes i want to make an order you high one yes brother you have any rice dishes no no on the

soup what do you have sheep on the soup lamb they have on the soup do you do kebabs we're doing the

kebabs you're stupid listen oh come on man get me a steak lamb steak uh right i just posted his uh

link to that has pictures and everything refer to the uh prank yeah all right instead we get a

chinese restaurant in london open 24 hours fuckers how much of london make sure london

might be a cool place to go out drinking or england i think that's a good drinking area

you know what i mean scotland yeah everyone make sure to tune in next week when carlito

pranks his former place of employment no probably not for a few weeks man but i'm going to be doing

daytime shows.

Those guys are douches. They deserve it.

I'm going to be doing some daytime shows.

Fuckers.

Hey, who wants to do the Chinese restaurant

in England? I got it.

I got this.

I fucking fell asleep.

You probably did.

Hello? Hello, it's Charlie.

We'll be close.

What? No, I want some

food.

We'll be close.

What time?

time oh wow right i like the whole charlie charlie yeah charlie charlie charlie charlie

champ let's get milkman back on before he gets mad then we get the san juan marriott resort and

stelaris casino i've been there before oh let me call them i don't like it that much it's not that

good it's right in the middle of old san juan it's not in a nice stretch hello sorry i'm unable

able to take it well i don't know milkman answer the phone he's asleep did he fall asleep uh i

hate that any more turkish got any more turkish restaurants because i found the turkish swear

words for one that i found like a xenocyste i will shit in your mouth oh fuck a nani ami

your mommy's pussy yes i think it's that type that i found on saturday oh hey man welcome back

all right how about i call that turkish london place and you use some of them all right okay

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

I'll order some anani sikarim.

There you go.

What's that?

Your mother's what?

I'll fuck your mom.

Ooh, fantastic.

Hello.

Hello, how's it going?

Hello.

I'd like to make an order.

We don't deliver, mate.

We don't deliver.

We don't deliver?

No?

Do you have any?

Hey.

I think it's a cafe.

I don't know.

Just tell them the curse words here.

Just tell them the curse words.

Ooh, a monster.

Let's try Turkish Kitchen.

See?

Remember, because they got two locations.

Have we tried the other one?

No.

Aaron, just...

Dirty, call him the curse word.

Okay.

Throw it at him.

Hello?

Pardon?

Huh?

I'll fuck your mom.

What?

Huh?

Bring your mom over here and I'll fuck her.

I'll fuck her, you idiot, man.

I'll fuck your sister already, man.

What are you talking about?

Huh?

Bring your mom in front of me.

I'll fuck her first year.

Sister, your mom, your everybody,

I live, motherfucker.

Fuckin' idiot, dickhead.

It's the British version.

I swear, like, all Turkish people are angry or something, if you get them right.

You talking to him, Ken?

What's going on?

Let me talk to him.

I can't do it.

Ken hasn't done it yet.

You're next.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, you dirty motherfucker.

I didn't even need to use the turkey's where we're at.

I just told him I was going to fuck his mom.

He's like, hey, dickhead.

What?

I'm going to fuck your mom.

What?

I was going to talk to you about I heard the rumor that Brent Westwood fucked his mom.

Enigma's on here.

Hello, Enigma.

What's up, fuckers?

Hey, man.

Hey, bud.

All right, we already called the archery club.

I'm going through the request of pranks here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, we got the golf cart, right?

Who was doing the golf cart?

I thought we were going to call the casino.

Oh, the go-kart that was fucking Josie.

Jose is going to do it, yeah.

Zyklon, I'm going to, Jose, you're going to do your golf cart.

You're going to do your golf cart, and then we'll do the casino for Zyklon.

Jose, when did you send that?

Was it a while ago?

I'm looking here.

I just copied the link within the last few minutes and reposted it in Skype chat.

And it has the number in it, right?

Yep, exactly.

Okay, cool.

All right, I'm on it.

Give me a second here.

Let's catch a thief.

Cath.

Let's cath a thief.

They want to put a catheter in the thief's penis.

That is disgusting.

Penis.

Exactly.

You should tell them something along the lines that you brokered a deal with the thief.

It's going to cost them like $2,000 and you're going to make $500 off the deal or some shit like that.

Five catheters.

Clean catheters with catheters nonetheless.

Here we go.

Man, I had a catheter once.

That sucked.

Did you really?

When you had your surgery last year?

Yeah, when I had my surgery last year.

My first one.

Pulling out was the worst part.

I don't remember going in.

That's what she said.

She's pulling out.

Yeah, hello?

Yeah.

Okay, is this the guy with the billboards stolen?

Yeah, who is this?

Okay, I think you remember me.

I was the guy, the trucker.

I called you, like, two or three days ago saying that I bought your go-kart from another guy,

and I still have it if you want it.

Yeah, but it's going to cost you $5,000.

You're nuts.

I am not nuts, sir.

I'm honestly, $5,000.

I paid $2,000.

I'm trying to make another $3,000 to pay for my puppy's surgery.

This fucker trying to haggle the price again.

I'm just going to cut this motherfucker up if he doesn't want to pay the money.

No I'm not

And do you want it yes or no

Or else I'll just take it back to California

Fuck this guy Jose let's cut this bitch off

Fuck this guy bye

I got a call right here

In Skype chat there Carlito

Nintendo wants us to call this

Walmart says it'll be a legendary call

If it is not he has agreed

That we can fucking ban him forever

Okay

I think it's a good fucking deal

I don't know. He just put a number. He put the

store manager. Said they're a bunch of

dumbasses. He just got

here for the first time. What's the store

manager's name? Is it like an African

one? Like that one

where he stuck his fist under

the dressing room? Oh, that's what Milkman

called it and gave me the receipt.

The name of the manager from the receipt.

It's a woman wearing the man pants

named Dana.

Did you put it in the chat yet? I don't see it yet, damn it.

Yeah, it's in Skype chat right now.

Oh, fuck. Let me look.

Okay, I got it.

Is anyone doing this?

What's going on here?

Anyone?

Are we going to do Walmart first or the casino first?

Oh, yeah, the casino.

You're right.

When it comes to the Walmart call, though, if we don't get offered a 357 to the dickhole,

it is not legendary, you will be banned.

It doesn't count.

Milkman, are you still connected?

I haven't heard anything from you in a while.

You there?

He's on there.

He's on there?

Okay.

If it's a good call, Milkman will take one of the gold stars off his dimples

and put it on your forehead.

He'll take a 357 in the day.

No, he'll probably give me a gold star.

Zyklon.

Yes, I'm here.

Casino.

Yes, good luck.

Thank you for calling back,

all free sector speaking.

How may I help you?

Is this the casino?

Okay, you want to transfer to the casino?

Yes, do you accept American money?

When you mean American money,

you mean dollars?

Yes, do you accept dollars?

Yes, sir, we do.

Oh, good.

I thought you accept like pesos or something,

like the mexicans no no no no we use american dollars here in the island oh wait you say i'm

spanish does that make you one of the mexican immigrants they're stealing our jobs sorry sir

are you one of those mexicans they're stealing our jobs are you making a joke or or

are you a pendejo that's good you speak good spanish you speak good spanish man

Are you a mannequin?

You forgot a word.

What word is that?

Can I teach you a new one?

Sure.

Can I teach...

Are you a cabrón?

Of course.

Oh, me too.

I'm a fucking whore.

I'm going to fuck your fucking mother, man.

My mom is dead.

I'm going to fuck your dead wife, man.

Take care, dad.

Call me later.

He's a big whore.

Damn it.

Lost him.

That's one for Puerto Rican curse.

I'm sorry.

I had to do that.

That's fine.

That was awesome.

them what am i what am i yeah i figured i'd shut up cyclone

carlito doesn't do it very often but i remember he called those uh those people and talked to

them in spanish and he told them that that you could tell that they were mexican and they eat

the inside of the pig or something like that they eat the innards of the of the pigs right yeah

yeah that's true well actually it's not mexicans that do that though it's the south americans

They'll eat anything.

Colombians and shit, they'll eat the insides of the chicken.

You know what comes in a little paper bag?

That's for them.

Oh, man.

Oh, they eat all that.

I always thought that cheap liquor bottles came in those paper bags.

No, sir.

Sorry.

Not in Puerto Rico.

It's dinner.

All right.

So is anyone doing the Walmart?

I wasn't planning on doing it.

Anybody?

Ken, you want to do a prank?

I may eat.

I'll take it.

It's Aaron.

and my drinking ability is decreasing as the alcohol consumption increases.

What are you drinking? Gin?

Budweiser.

Orange juice.

Orange juice really kills me.

Hey, Dirty, I put the address to Walmart in case you need it.

Hi, how may I help you?

Yeah, hey, how's it going there?

Good, how are you?

I'm okay. This is Brent Westwood calling.

Hi.

Hi. I have my TV. It was broken.

I got it 91 days ago.

Okay.

I'd like to talk to somebody about that.

Okay, after the 90 days, it goes to the manufacturer's warranty.

Nope, I'm bringing it to you.

Okay, it's the 90-day policy.

All right, it's been 91 days.

Do you have the receipt for it?

Of course I have the receipt.

What, do you think I'm stupid?

Okay, sorry, I was just asking a question.

Okay, all right.

No, I do not think you're stupid.

I hope not.

I mean, it took me two weeks to save up to buy this TV, and it broke in 91 days.

Are you there?

What's your name?

Yeah, I'm here.

My name is Crystal.

Okay, Crystal.

need to talk to a man about this

problem because I don't think you're going to be able to handle

this. Really? Yeah. Why is that?

Well, because women's brains

are smaller. It's a proven fact. Okay.

Well, you have a very nice day and I'm not going to take

this.

Hey, Dirty,

I'd like Carlito to call back.

You see the story I put in there?

Call and complain about your iPad you just bought

and pictures of penises all over it.

You believe it's a Walmart employee because

you see the blue vest dignally next to the car.

Thank you for calling. How may I help you? Yes, hi.

Look, my brother-in-law I just called, Brent, he's a little upset.

That's fine, but I don't appreciate being insulted.

And I am the assistant manager, so he would be dealing with me.

Oh, that's important.

Yeah, kind of, but my brain's smaller.

No, I don't believe that.

It's 91 days, and no, I will not take it back.

No, I don't believe that, that your brain is smaller, sweetie.

Okay, I'm sorry.

That's fine.

That he said that, honey.

Okay, but listen, do you count, like, today as one of the days?

No, right?

right? Well, it depends on if we scan the receipt. It depends on if our system will

return it. If our system will not let us return it because it is after the 90 days, I cannot

return it. Well, if the manufacturer's warranty, that's when you call the manufacturer. Well,

I put my finger on the date and I counted, you know, on the calendar and we got to 91,

but we're counting today as one of the days. So I think you can, you should still take care of

this and i'm an attorney i'm an attorney and you're just an assistant manager take the tv

back i'm an attorney you're just a stupid assistant manager so i think maybe you should listen

you should get someone else to call and get to like electronics

and then fucking start yelling at him

about an iPad, though.

Well, hold on.

Oh, that's important.

Yeah, kind of.

You started going with the sweetie and the honey

and I just started dying, dude.

Let's get fucking Enigma to call in.

I'm the assistant manager at the Walmart in Montana.

Get Enigma to ask for the fucking electronics department

and we can start talking to them

about penises on the iPad.

Maybe she's assistant to the manager.

I think that'd be funny to...

The assistant to the manager?

Yeah.

You should accept that.

The assistant for blowjobs.

The assistant to the man-ager.

Yeah.

The fucking manager is a man.

You're just the assistant to the man.

My line is, there's no W-O in manager.

Jin loves that one.

He's used that quite a bit, too.

After you heard me say that, he cracked up once, I remember.

There's no W-O in manager, because woman.

Get somebody...

Let me talk to her.

Tell her it's manager, not womanager.

Get to electronics on her, and then argue with them, and then get back to her through them transferring.

Thank you for calling, Mark. How may I help you?

Yes, one of my friends, he was...

I'm going to call the police if you keep on calling and harassing me.

That's what I'm about to do.

I'm trying to help you, and I don't appreciate being insulted over the phone and all this stuff.

I'm trying to help you.

there's no there's no woman and manager i'm sorry there's no woman and manager it's manager not woman

manager i just wanted to get it out there yeah they know the number i think that's what's going

on i'll try hang on try to get to electronics and then come back to her yeah we'll scrub the

number good idea it's not going through yet hang on that's what we call in the prank call game is

scrubbing the number you know yeah but yeah you can enter transfers like individual cash registers

thank you for calling walmart how may i help you hola senorita i can speak spanish no i do not

speak spanish okay can uh do sales again i thought you're gonna ask for electronics

call back i'll i'll ask for electronics somebody can take it from electronics

Electronics.

Yeah, we all like trucks.

Just ask for electronics.

Hey, get a 7-Eleven and I might be able to get one.

Death Fox is cracking me up in the chat room.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

Thank you for calling, Mark.

Can I have electronics, please?

Just one second.

Thank you.

You realize that most Walmarts, the manager never answers the phone.

Death Fox, just for those who are just listening.

Oh, they cracked me the fuck up.

I just read that.

Transfer to housewares and ask for a manager

and then tell her to stay there.

That's where you belong.

Death box just cracks me up

listening to him talk.

The fabric department.

Parts and crafts.

Do it if there's a woman at an electronics site.

Why aren't you at housewares?

What order do you have to cancel?

Cancel the order.

Take your shoes off.

Do I have an order to cancel?

No, I shouldn't have one to cancel, right?

Nobody called. They got a little upset.

He got a little pissy, but not really.

You're on the ball, Jose.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Does a bitch even know how to operate a phone

that transmits through electronics?

Obviously not.

Phones are for men.

A lot of those Walmarts, they close electronics off at night.

Well, not anymore.

No, they don't.

The Walmart I worked at was 24 hours

and electronic, there won't be somebody by the phone,

but there's always somebody back there.

Well, in the super centers, they don't,

but I remember in the regular Walmarts

when those are still around.

Some of them will close it off.

They rope it off or they put up plexiglass.

Well, the thing is, it's overnights when they do all their stocking.

Yeah.

When I looked up the address and stuff, it was a super center,

so they shouldn't be open.

This is Luca. How may I help you?

Hello?

Hi. What is a woman doing in electronics?

Shouldn't she be in housewares?

Let me talk to a man.

I apologize, sir, but I'm in electronics.

You can come in.

Let me talk to a man, a jerk, dad.

Oh, just settle down, Bill. Let me talk to her.

whatever uh ma'am i came in there the other day and i bought an ipad and i came home and i uh

charged it up and opened it up and everything can you explain to me why i found pictures of

male genitalia on my ipad uh i would assume they didn't get that from here if it was a new product

that would never happen oh no it was a brand new product right out of the box i had put it on

layaway finished painted off brought it home i had genitalia all over my ipad and i assume it's

I mean, I know you probably didn't do it because you're a woman,

but it has, like, a blue vest hanging around by the genitalia.

Kind of looks like a Walmart employee.

That's all I'm saying.

Ah, she left.

Bitch.

What a bitch.

Sorry, nobody was taking that.

It's like, oh, I'm trying to pull the whole thing.

That's fine because we would have lost it.

I guess Nintendo Skater came through.

Look at that.

He's new in the chat room for the first time,

listening live for the first time,

and he sent in a good number.

Remember, that should be an example for everybody, all you listeners out there.

Silver star.

You might even try it back and maybe try going to the house.

Why don't you call the manager over just for shits and giggles?

Yeah.

I want you to go in and just drop, like, a big fucking deuce in the toilet and take a picture of it and send that to your avatar right there.

Take a big shit.

I should take an upper decker.

Someone said that at work to me today.

One of my co-workers, an American co-worker, she said I should take an upper decker.

I'm like, wow, I didn't know you.

I was like, oh, that's kind of cool

You didn't know she was down like that

I didn't know she was down like that, yeah, I was like, oh, that's kind of cool

Tomorrow, Carlito, just do like you did at that party

Shit in a fucking towel

Go put it in the fucking microwave, heat it up

And leave

Having a potluck

And I'm excited about veggies for the grill

Carlito's disgusted

When he's fucking done it before

Come on

I should

Speaking of which, it's about

You know, the good thing about this, like I said, I can do some early daytime shows now during the week,

and I can also start going until, like, you know, 3 in the morning like I used to all the time last year.

I don't know if you guys remember.

We had some long-ass shows towards the end of last year.

Thanksgiving.

Yeah, Thanksgiving.

Oh, Thanksgiving.

Is it three weeks?

Thanksgiving.

It was fucking crazy.

Oh, that's right.

So check it out.

Thanksgiving.

That show on Monday was five hours and ten minutes, I think.

Holy shit, yeah.

I counted it out.

saturday was fucking over five hours i know that yeah i was very yeah saturday i was so tired on

saturday oh dude i i had to fucking leave i crashed out i was fucking drunk as fuck i was

like i mean it's time for bed you had to leave because i had to be at work early the next day

is that gonna go into a podcast oh yeah yeah yeah it is i'll get to it's gonna take me a while to

edit well no it won't yeah well it'll take me a while to edit that one um i can switch it on on

youtube for until i edit it i saw you made it private i went to go watch it the next day i was

like fuck yeah because i get worried about because the the business names and full names and numbers

get out on it so what might yeah that brings up what i want to say is my plan to do with the

youtube stuff like i'm doing the hangout now and then what i'll do is uh for like for a week i'll

keep it on youtube so you know or at least the weekend people who miss the show can go in there

and see it unedited really quick you know i mean uh within the next few days and and if not then

my plan is to have the podcast come out at the same time uh that the youtube video gets pulled

uh because i don't want to make them public right now um but then what i'll do is i will i what i

want to start doing is taking the un the edited episodes and putting those on youtube it's my plan

um i'll probably just have a black background on the video i don't know i guess it was it was

is pretty funny. Like I said, when we called

Zappos, too, and

everybody was just letting off a bunch

of racist jokes to the manager, and

he was like,

he was like, well, if you don't even think

Zappos related, and I was like, well,

can I speak to the fucking Jew manager?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold on,

hold on, let's just call Zappos.

I mean, if it was so funny, let's do it again.

Alright, fine.

Well, I don't know, it's late.

Okay, fine. Because tomorrow

Tomorrow's the slacker day, because tomorrow I don't expect to do any work.

I'm going to go in, probably going to take one of my Vicodins for my pain.

I'm going to take one of those, and I'm going to chill, man.

I'm going to chill like fucking, I'm going to tune out.

I'm going to sit there on YouTube.

Are you going to take a big shit to the toilet?

Oh, I'm still going to drop a big shit in the toilet, yes.

A Death Fox wants to call in.

Death Fox, then call in, Death Fox, hurry up.

I'm going to cart lead her to drop a shit in a fucking paper towel, roll it up like a joint, light it, leave it in the bathroom.

That's a peace out.

But make sure to take your shit after you eat the kimchi fried rice.

Good morning, Burger Bank.

Oh, yes, Brick Lane Beagle Bank?

Yes, that's right, darling.

Oh, that's good.

And what is this?

You've been open since the French Revolution.

Sorry?

You've been open since the French Revolution.

Yeah, that's right.

We have.

All right.

And then is this French food, or what is it exactly?

No, my darling.

No?

No, we're not French.

What do you do there?

Why do you put French in the name?

Sorry?

Why does it say French?

Would you like to order something?

Because I'm very busy.

Yeah, I'd like some French fries, French toast, French toast, French dressing, French kissing.

If you'd like to come to the shop and see what we've got, I'm busy at the moment.

All right, darling.

Look, French food is...

Bye-bye.

159 Brick Lane.

Hang on.

Wait.

Dude, if you're going to call French Fries, ask for white flags.

Oh.

You never called me darling.

I'm not your darling.

Big Death Fox is here.

What are you drinking tonight?

Nothing no more.

You were drinking earlier, though.

You said you were drunk.

All day.

Yeah, all day.

Oh, my God.

You never got around to my numbers, but there's some right there that I have.

It was really late, though.

You sent numbers?

Oh, dude, you did.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm an asshole.

It's cool.

You can try this if you want, though.

We'll use them on Saturday.

Asshole machines.

Motorcycle for sale.

Suzuki?

That one?

Is that one of tonight's?

There's two of them, yeah.

Wait, hold up.

There's a Saturday show?

There was a Saturday.

No, not a regular one.

I did a surprise Saturday show last week.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's when I joined in and you thought I was a star.

What type of Suzuki is it?

Is it like a jigsaw?

It's in the chat.

Look in the Skype chat.

I'm on my phone, so I can't look in the chat.

Suzuki GZ250.

Get a computer.

3,600 miles, asking $2,500.

He'll blow you if you take it.

Yeah.

Aaron, did you decide on a night for your show?

Are you still going to do it?

I never got to you with the Showcast show.

Yeah, no, I'm just going to do maybe some Wednesday nights

or maybe some Sunday nights, something like that,

because I'm actually off on Mondays.

I probably can't be consistent weekly, but maybe twice a month at least.

Maybe I'll start doing Monday.

I always have fun with Monday shows.

I'll get the newspaper and go through the want ads and prank call

all of them being an asshole looking for a job.

It's always fun.

Maybe you can join in if you're around.

Yeah, well, I downloaded whatever that fucking program is,

so I just need the authorization machines.

I'll email you tomorrow.

The International Cactus Machine.

All right, yeah, email.

If I don't get it to you tomorrow by, like, the afternoon, email me.

Yeah, because I got nothing.

Literally, I'm not doing any work tomorrow at work.

I'm going in to get paid my $30 an hour just to sit there in my ass,

so that's it.

Or you can email the asshole that told you that you're getting laid off

I'll say, fuck you.

There's also somebody looking for a small

house dog. You can call them

and be like, you got a baby

St. Bernard that's small.

A baby St. Bernard, yeah.

It's small, man. It's small now.

It's like two weeks old.

A St. Bernard wants

280 pounds.

Even better, we'd call them and tell them that

you'll be their dog. You put the collar on

yourself and everything, they could walk you around.

Alright, who's doing a Suzuki?

Zyklon, it sounds like you want to do the Suzuki.

Am I right?

Yeah, I'll do the Suzuki.

They might not answer, man.

I came to you really early.

It's like one, but try it.

Are they wanting to buy a Suzuki or sell it?

Sell it.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay, and the small house dog.

I was going to offer them Beth for it.

All right, there you go.

No, they're not.

Oh, for the bike.

That's crazy.

I wanted to talk to that lady and get her in the housewares.

You need to go to housewares.

That's what the Walmart is.

Is this housewares?

No, it's not housewares.

Oh, well, I'm surprised I'm talking to you.

Yeah, it's college.

Yes, hi.

You're looking for a small house dog?

Not in the movie, I ain't.

Why not?

What'd you get?

I have a St. Bernard.

Yeah, a little couple of chihuahuas.

Yeah, they're bad dogs.

They're violent.

They'll bite you.

They hate black people.

Yeah, they hate black people, and they'll bite you in the penis.

No.

Well, do you have a penis?

Yes.

Well, you got to watch out, because those chihuahuas will get you in the sleep.

They'll bite your penis off.

I had one bite me in the asshole.

The only one I saw ate tacos.

You're a queer taco bear.

Aw.

You know, I had sex outside once, and I got bit by a mosquito in my asshole.

Oh, my God.

That happened to me.

I used to have a girlfriend.

I used to have a bang in the car, but because we couldn't go to our parents' house,

and I got mosquito bites all over my ass.

It was terrible.

That sounds like some shit that fucking Carlito needs to share with fucking Zappos.

Just say that at random.

Hey, Carlito, come over, guys.

I got fucking mosquito bites in my ass.

Come over, guys.

I'm going to fuck your girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place.

A very uncomfortable place.

They posted that dog at four hours ago.

Like in the back of a Volkswagen.

Yeah.

hey i was like i knew someone would do that i watched this one time i was unemployed not this

time around but uh maybe like uh no wow like eight years ago i was unemployed for like six months and

for about three of those months all i would wake up i would watch i would get stoned i would watch

that movie mall rats i'll watch mall rats again usually or maybe like kill bill i think i watched

a lot for some reason and then i would watch uh the screen servers of leo laporte that was like

my daily that's all i did at home and i would i would get those frozen uh chicken breasts in the

bag from walmart they're like nine bucks for a bag of like five or six or six or seven of them

i would take those and fucking i would microwave them with hot sauce all over them and that was

my lunch and then we're from i want to come home and she cooked how can we don't call into leo

Laporte's show. Uh, what show?

He has a call-in show?

Yeah. Which one? He's the tech guy, right?

Oh, his radio show.

Carlito has his fucking, like, home number

or some shit. I know, but

I mean, you know, like

all those, uh, like, uh,

what's the, uh, Stern, you know,

all the Stern people call into the fucking

uh, to the radio shows, you know?

Yeah.

Does anybody have the Stern number?

I wonder what they would do if, uh,

They got pranked.

888-9-asshole.

That's the number.

You know who has a good number for Stern?

We should make more friends with KDK

because he has a number that they give only to the

to the Whack Packers and stuff.

The hotline number

for the studio.

He's got it.

The one that like, you know.

It rings right to Gary.

To Baba Boo.

Don't every one of them have a code word?

No, no.

No, you're going to give a code word to frickin' the Whack Pack?

Like, frickin' Needlejuice is going to be like,

Yeah, I don't think that's a code word.

Well, Carlito, have you heard about the wacky wine DJ

that RBCP found everything out about?

Yeah, I read that in the book.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Yeah, it's good stuff.

All right, Zappos.

Does he still sell the book?

There's a number for a purse right there.

I just posted in the sketch.

All right, I'll do that, and then we're going to do Zappos,

and we're out of here because I'm tired.

That's it.

The thing about Zappos and Saturday,

we were finding a bunch of fucked up items on their

website like they just started getting

the fucking sand bowl

remember the sand bowls are coming in

now I remember didn't I look up the

Oakley dart sunglasses

And she said, I gave her the SKU number, and she's like,

The Oakley dart, like, yeah, hey, would it be funny

if it was the Oakley fart and she started laughing?

What about the ones

that Dirt Stranger found? Some of those were

pretty funny. Like a big-ass

pants?

I'll look that up right now so you can use it.

She found, like, a 3X or a 4X pair

of underwear or something for her.

She got kind of upset.

I remember this. I want to hear that, too.

I'll get you a fucking SKU number to use

and put it in chat here.

here this sold more than shoes on there i was quite surprised your call has been forwarded to

an automatic voice message system two zero sorry man sorry man and now we have zappos now it's time

for zappos all right so did you get a skew number yet uh kenneth i'm working on it if you got one

put it in there at some point the last who's doing this i don't want to talk to zappos whoever

whoever whatever anyone got it yay i'll talk to zappos 30 i got it shut up zyklon yeah shut up

zyklon you don't have it yeah you you know i'll just tell racist jokes oh wait is it at the whole

point thank you for allowing us put a little zappos in your day i'm terry and i'm a member

of the vclp scheduling thank you for holding for quality assurance this call can be monitored or

recorded calling zappos this is terry how can i help you yeah hey terry how's it going brent

Hi.

Can you hear me?

I can, yes.

B-R-E-N-T?

That's right.

Hello?

Okay.

Yes.

I can hear you at first.

I couldn't, but now you're coming in okay.

Okay.

What can I do for you, Brent?

I was looking for something online for my wife.

Okay.

I can go ahead and help you.

Are you looking at something in particular that you want me to help you with in order?

Yeah.

I have a SKU number.

Okay.

Go ahead and give that to me.

It is 780-4396.

All right.

Let me take a look at it.

We're looking at a tour classic bottom in that sailor blue multi.

Yeah.

Is that the item?

Okay.

Well, what can I do for you?

Yes.

I was wondering, what sizes does it come in or what sizes are available?

Let's take a look here.

Hold on just a second.

I'm just trying to check all the sizes here.

Is there a certain one that you're looking at or a certain size?

Well, I'm looking for something pretty big.

I'm looking for a two-piece for my wife for Christmas because we're going to Hawaii for Christmas.

Nice, that's where I'm from.

Oh, really?

Okay, yeah.

I hate Hawaiians.

But she's about 270 pounds, but she really wants a two-piece bathing suit.

So I don't know.

I'm just looking online.

You know, she doesn't want to go to the stores and try them on or anything.

Yeah.

That particular item, that bottom, it goes up to a size extra large, which is a US size 14.

Okay.

So I don't know exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, do you know anything about that size I can work with?

Let me take a look.

So you're just looking for, like, for a bathing suit for her?

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah, I think it's extra huge and fat.

Okay, let's take a look.

Well, what we can do is we can easily go ahead and see what we can find for her in our women's section.

Let's look here, and if we were to look under some swimwear, let me take a look here.

And you want to just do a one-piece, or you said you wanted to do a two-piece?

She really wants a two-piece.

I don't know why she wants her fat rolls hanging all over the place, but I'm just trying to buy it for her, you know.

I try and hide the candy and stuff from her.

I try and hide the candy and, you know, the sweet rolls from her, but she keeps finding them.

I tell her, I buy you the extra large.

She likes the pattern on the one I showed you, but I told her if she wasn't such a fat bitch,

maybe she could get into that one.

All right.

Well, you know what I did and what might be easier for you, too, and maybe she can, you know, look at this with you.

If you were to go onto the Zappos homepage, and if you were to just hit on,

there's a tab up there that shows shoes, clothing, bags, and handbags.

If you click on clothing and look under women's,

and you can actually look under a swimsuit category,

and if you know her size, I mean, you could just click on the size that you think she is,

and it'll actually pop up with everything that we have that's in her size,

and then she'd be able to pick from there, whether it be, yeah,

Yeah, you could go with color, brand, dollar amount that you want to spend, everything.

And if you click on each one of those, each one of the criteria, it will actually narrow down and search for you

and help you to search for something, you know, in her size range.

And maybe if she was to look at the pictures with you, you could find something that she may like for your trip.

Okay.

Do they have a spot to pick for huge fat wife?

Is that on there?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure there is, but it's just not listed that way.

But, yeah, there is a size.

You'd have to just look under clothing size,

and, like, it starts from an extra, extra small all the way up to, like, a size,

according to this size 42.

I got something here for my sister, too, another cute number.

Okay, you want to give me?

She's going with us.

Yeah, go ahead.

yeah seven six nine five five five five okay and now the the she's not now what is there how many

colors is that available in um seven seven okay and then uh what is it uh so uh this is for my

sister she thinks that this is a bathing suit but i don't think it is no it's not actually it's not

no you might you might want to have yeah yeah she she kind of has these are these are just

just undergarments she's not fat i like i like looking at her when she's running around the

house and these she's got a couple of them yeah yeah but yeah this is these are just like um

women's intimate apparel so you might want to the way i showed you how to actually look for like

something for your wife if you're trying to look for a suit for your sister it would probably be

best to do it the same way you know just look for something in her whatever whatever um size she

wears okay and have you wear these ones like these narrow narrow the surgeon nope not at all

No, no, you don't like the thongs?

No.

Nope, not at all.

You just wear the full-size panties, the big ones?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

All of them, it covers everything?

Yes.

Yeah, that's probably a good call, so.

Yeah.

What about you?

You sound nice.

You like, you want to go to Hawaii with me?

No.

No, you don't think so?

No.

Is there anything else I can look up for you, though?

I think that's, well, here we go.

How about 774-1002?

Okay.

The computer is being really slow.

Okay, I've got that pulled up.

Okay.

Yeah, I've got this one pulled up.

Is this a sleeping bag?

Yeah, is that what this is?

I think so.

Yeah, let's see.

I think I'm going to put my wife in a roll or up like a fat sausage.

What's the – oh, man.

Is your phone line messed up?

I'm not sure if you jumped onto a speakerphone or something,

thing but you're coming in like really really broken up yeah just really really bad connection

you want to try and call back because like oh my gosh i can't even hear you when i do hear you it's

like like i said coming in and out and it goes loud soft loud stuff you want to try and call back

uh yeah maybe i'll call back i mean i gotta uh i gotta tell my wife to get off the fucking couch

and then i'll call back okay sounds good we'll we'll look forward to calling back we're here 24

7 so as soon as you're ready and she's ready give us a call yeah that connection oh my gosh

is terrible. That sounds terrible.

Alright, big girl. We'll talk to you later.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I think Skype's trying to

get retarded, right?

I wanted to

read that.

I was trying to get you to say

you should have asked him for a wife-beater.

I was going to tell him. Hang on.

Let me try one real quick.

What it was called was a

Peter Hackett.

Alright. Bye, Zyklon.

See you later. Peace, guys.

Bye.

So, Carlito, how did I do?

Huh?

How did I do?

You did pretty good, man.

You need a little more fine-tuning of the audio, I think.

And you need to come in your own a little bit.

But I think it's pretty – you're all right.

You did okay, I guess.

You had a few chuckles here and there.

I don't know.

What did you guys think?

How did he do?

Did he do okay?

He did okay.

Not bad for his first time.

No, not bad.

I mean, you know, he's no Richie, but, you know.

He's no Richie, that motherfucker.

horse thief sleeping bag

yeah that's what it was

that you were trying to talk about

it was a horse thief sleeping bag

and I was trying to get her to say the fucking name

yeah and before that

you said that Dark Stranger forwarded me

the hanky panky plus sized

thongs

yeah that's the one that I had her look at

I had her look at those ones up too

yeah alright let me try one here

see if I can get a lady

get her to say the name of that

That sleeping bag, she won't know what it is.

Ask her what it is.

Put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Terry, and I'm a member of the business.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Melissa.

How may I help you?

Oh, hi, Melissa.

This is Bill, and I saw an item.

I have the SKU number here.

I was wondering if I could get some information about it.

I'd be happy to take a look at this for you.

And you said your name is Dan?

Bill.

I'm sorry.

already there's a little bit of um disruption in the line if i can get that sku number please

yeah it's seven six nine five five five seven six nine five five five five five five i'm sorry

all right and how may i help you uh does this what did it come up as on your end there because

i'm confused these are coming up as ladies uh under your clothes oh yeah so you see the picture

there that comes up i i just masturbated to it is there anything i can help you as far as

zappos is concerned i just wanted to show you what i was looking at i love the picture with

the camel toe it's nice it's hot it's a hot picture can you put can you pass it on there

can you pass on that it's a hot picture to masturbate to maybe if there's nothing else

i can help you with the zappos uh-huh well any more any more pictures that zappos can put up

up like this it'd be great this would be a great little you you assholes i need to order something

you guys are fucking around come on i i do have a skew number i need you to look up for me so i

can make an order i'm sorry who's this this is john okay john you're wanting to order something

something with appos yeah i got a skew number is 774-1002 i hear vicky in the background you

You might want to tell her to hush it up a little bit.

She's a little loud.

Okay.

You're running to order a sleeping bag, John?

Right.

What's the name bringing up on that?

The Big Agnes Horse Thief?

Right.

Wait a minute.

What was the second part of it?

The Big Agnes what?

Is there something I can help you gentlemen with?

Are you running to order tonight?

No, I didn't hear the second part.

It was Big Agnes.

I didn't hear the second part.

It cut out.

The Horse Thief, as in the animal?

Horse Thief.

Who the fuck is stealing my horses?

I have a fucking sleeping bag of horse

things.

Gentlemen, I'm going to go ahead and end the call

if there's nothing else I can help you with.

Wait, wait, wait.

Baby food.

There's one other thing. Horse.

Is this popular with Peruvian villagers

or something?

They steal horses

and turn them into that thing.

Whatever. Okay, so...

I just remember

something from the Saturday show.

Wasn't there people selling baby food

And they didn't answer

And Death Fox goes baby food

And another voicemail

Like really loud

Baby food

That was a funny one

Alright well I gotta go

It's late

Big Agnes Horse Thief

Maybe that'll be the title of the show

I don't know

Death Fox see you later

You're out of here bye

Go work with the chat

Keep pulling it down

You're the man

Alright who's next

Jose good work you know

First effort

big effort there a for effort get a microphone jose for effort see you later all right good

whatever bye ken see you later man horse feet bye cad good luck fantasy ball i forgot to tell

zyklon i was going to beat his ass in fantasy football tonight and dirty air and you're out

of here on your ass peace man see you later penis and balls all right penis and balls good

wow skyper's really taking it up milkman can you hear this still is that working

working phone working on your end he might have dropped that all together milkman hello hey does

it sound like shit on your end or what's going on well it sounds good now if you call back it

sounds good first time there's just some kind of i don't know some digital raft that came along

like right after you stopped talking and something right wise you was uh well take us out of here

milkman we're done it's over it's time oh wow okay wow man that was a pretty exciting episode

episode right there another fine episode right here in the madhouse that's right well hey man

uh great show uh had lots of great guests and people showed up tonight had a lot of fun

i'd like to thank our numbers hit man that's right our numbers hit man oh this tell hi for

numbers hit man like that also thank you my friends right here in the madhouse and uh 98.6

The chat is loaded up tonight, my goodness gracious, 50-plus members tonight.

Oh, man, if I'm to read the list, it'd take me another half an hour.

So we'll just say thanks a lot to all our friends at Stop There Over Here in the Mouth,

like our friends over at Cactus Radio, Cacti Radio, and all our friends over at the Syndicate,

and also Blue Planet.

Hey, thanks a lot.

And we'd also like to thank you, that's right, our listeners.

That's right, our dear listeners, I'd be glad to thank you for coming in here every week, sharing your time.

We drop a dime, we ask you to bring a friend, or bring an enemy, man.

You're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

I'd like to thank, that's right, the Joe Nishimura, man, the leader of our Madhouse, the fearless leader of the militia.

And I'm not going to do it without you, man.

And you know how many rides a week you save that people that aren't going to get beat down, sent to jail, or possibly expired from unbeaten?

Thank you so much for saving on those rides.

And I'm going to tell you what we do without you, my brother.

Expired is what you would do without me.

Thank you.

All right.

Expired, my brother.

All right, we're out of here.

Yeah, thanks for joining us tonight.

Thanks to everyone who sent the numbers.

Yeah, you guys are a good job, man.

Good job, man.

Yeah, thanks Lonesome Loser, Nunu, everyone else who sent the numbers and contributed,

Def Fox, all that stuff.

All of you, tell me the name.

I did want to ask, what was your decision?

Was there a decision made on the name for Bill?

Is it Bill Bollocks or we still got like a smaller list to look at?

I think Bill Bollocks for now.

Bill Bollocks.

That was pretty, man, they need to pull some things out of their ass, man.

Ken, tomorrow, I'll turn the Saturday show public tomorrow morning.

I'll take care of that.

I'll write that down on my sticky pad here.

I'll make sure I take care of that when I get to work tomorrow.

Maybe I'll do a show Saturday.

I don't know.

What?

Let me know if you guys do another show, please.

Yeah, yeah.

If we do another show Saturday, I'll call you.

I'll let you know, man.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, Milkman, I'll talk to you probably tomorrow.

and everyone else

you have a good

weekend

if I don't talk

to you over the

weekend

yeah

yeah man

okay bye

peace out

love y'all

hey man

also hey

thanks for

a new friend

man

pretty cool

dude

yeah yeah

thanks

bar

quill

right

Big Agnes Horse Thief – 11/8/12 Show

Calls (45, 1 h 51 min of 3 h 21 min)

Transcript

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