The Horse Strikes Back – Thanksgiving 2012 Show

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

And then, and then, and then, this fucking song every fucking year.

This fucking shit.

Fucking Alice.

Fuck Alice, uppercunt.

what's the appeal of this song possibility that we have this isn't a fucking song

hey hey you like alice's restaurant milkman yeah man house is cool it's a piece of shit

harlow guthrie's a piece of shit you probably like him hang on we're connecting everybody

yeah man shut up you would like alice you hear music stupid and i said oh yeah yeah

Yeah, it sounds like shit, man.

Excellent.

Yeah, good.

As usual.

Let me get Jen Stewart.

All right.

Thank you.

Tell those people to shut up.

There's no black people in that story.

How come?

Think about it.

Alice's racist restaurant.

T-minus 50 seconds.

The vehicle now pressurized, and the vehicle is go, as is the spacecraft at this time.

We're starting up in a second.

Hang on, people.

T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40.

All reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage at the three-second mark in the countdown.

T-minus 50 seconds, the vehicle now pressurized, and the vehicle is go, as is the spacecraft at this time.

Coming up on the 40-second mark, T-minus 40 seconds and counting.

T-minus 40, all reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time.

All aspects of the mission go, T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first stage at the three-second mark in the countdown.

T-minus 21 seconds and counting, we have completed our power transfer.

The Saturn 1B land vehicle, which now weighs 1.3 million pounds, is ready to go.

Coming up on the 10-second mark.

10, 9, 11, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13, 12, 13.

No, what about I need it for?

Whoa.

Hey everybody, good evening.

Madhouse Radio for Thanksgiving 2012.

I am the host Carlito.

Thursday nights as usual is a prank call night.

An even more special one when it's Thanksgiving.

Hi everybody, thanks for tuning in tonight.

Those of you who can make it, who are out of town or with family or whatever it might be.

It's late.

You shouldn't be at dinner.

You shouldn't be with your family.

if your family's visiting either you know they should be out uh doing something buying shit uh

it's uh madhouse radio and i'm here with uh milkman hey milkman how are you milkman

thank you

And it's a glorious occasion here we call Thanksgiving, man.

Thank you.

I hope everybody got their bellies full because tonight is the mouth-numbing of the 7th annual

Thanksgiving treat.

Yeah.

We'll be sure.

Yeah, yeah.

We've never missed a Thanksgiving show.

Also here is Jen Stewart.

Jen Stewart, how you doing?

Jen Stewart doesn't give a shit about Thanksgiving because he's in Britain and they're not Christian.

it's not a christian country hello good evening i don't know how what's it like you you live in a

non-christian country you don't celebrate that holiday so yeah it's all muslims over here now

they're dominating yeah typical american with the goya you know of course they're all so

yeah that's right we do and we have massive fireworks all over the place you guys don't

have but they tried some of the the the stupid kids here like oh yeah i'm in a guy fox because

Because I saw a V for Vendetta.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and I'm anonymous.

I go to B-chan, so hell yeah.

You know, it's the same group of kids that are Juggalos.

You know what a Juggalo is, Jen Stewart?

A Juggalo?

Yeah, Juggalo.

Like a clown?

Oh, Juggalo.

Yes.

No?

You don't have those in the UK?

Think, I got to move to the UK.

No, Juggalo's over there.

Milkman, you know what a Juggalo is.

You don't know.

Milkman's old.

Is it the same as a Jiggalo, but with an O?

have you ever heard of a rap group called insane clown posse yeah yeah ring the bell

well their followers are called juggalos and they're white trash people and we're black people

hanging out with white trash for some reason but normal yeah so pretty much that's uh like

black people that live like in tennessee and stuff but not in memphis so they're not ghetto

they're just kind of out there they're uh they're descendants of slaves that uh didn't necessarily

early leave the plantation i just kind of hung out did some sharecropping sharecropping stuff

that there you go very exciting yeah hey i'm excited to be here tonight thank god i'll real

quick uh milkman if you could i know we've been stopping in music but we need to actually do a

prayer here for someone uh milkman we need to pray i want everyone out there who's listening

uh butcher in muslim language or in no in jesus language in human language we're gonna give a

a prayer for tomorrow we're going to be uh we're not sending our brothers but some of our brothers

here are going to be going out on a mission uh tomorrow and we just want to give a prayer for

a good success for brad rbcp he's got a plan where he has acquired on ebay i believe i hope

i'm supposed to i hope i'm allowed to talk about this if not oops he acquired around on ebay one

of the walmart fucking vests milkman you uh you know what i'm talking about the vest that they

we're at walmart says how may i help you with the smiley face milkman yeah all right let's all

pretend yeah yeah okay you have the big bright yellow one yeah the green one the front door

sometimes where and sometimes it can be the elderly the yellow one the blue one milkman

you're confusing things you're thinking ikea anyway so he got a hold of one of those and

he's going to be going out tomorrow jen you don't understand but tomorrow's black friday

for some reason traditionally black friday is the unofficial start to the holiday shopping

It's the shopping season and everyone goes to stores.

And tomorrow, the day after Thanksgiving, just traditionally.

And then the biggest sales.

Why don't you go to Central London and everything on Black Friday?

Or tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you know, Black Friday.

You probably thought Black Friday was like Martin Luther King Day or something, right?

Something like that.

Yeah.

Or Black Connect Day.

I have no idea.

No, it's just the day after Thanksgiving.

Nothing to do with the stock market either.

Well, see, Jen, it gets crazy because there are stores that open at midnight.

They used to open at midnight.

Now they open at 8 p.m.

It's one of the only days today, usually, in the past, it's one of the only days that stores didn't open, you know, except for the grocery store, maybe, and gas and stuff like that.

Everyone else had the day off to be with family.

But now, because the big sales happen starting today, sometimes they do, like, a sale that's only at midnight.

You know, they'll have a ridiculously low price for, like, a big screen TV or a Blu-ray player or something like that nature, cameras.

Yeah, $50 off tonight only.

Yeah, tonight only, so people line up at midnight.

Traditionally at midnight, now it's earlier.

Now it's at 8 p.m., which is what I'm getting at.

But they line up, and there's riots sometimes at the stores.

They break into the stores.

It's fucking retarded.

This is the only one where they have the fights and the pepper spray and all that stuff.

The same kind of venue.

Yeah, and you see, they got to do away with this.

And it's a good thing that some of the stores are starting to open earlier now.

It's at that fucking midnight in Mad Dash.

midnight man that's what it is the fucking you just say what they call it midnight man

jen before then before the end of our show tonight one person at least one or two people

will have died in the united states because they were trying to get inside of a store to buy

something jen i kid you not absolute carnage no i got the animals over there i'm not exaggerating

at least one person will die under 12 walmart yeah several people will get trampled several

Several people will be in the hospital.

There'll be a few stores where a bunch of people get pepper sprayed.

Last year, Milkman, weren't there stores that people just pepper spraying

in the middle of crowds of people at Walmart?

There was a woman.

There was a woman was flipping out.

They were in line.

For a DVD player.

She pepper sprayed somebody and cut the line.

It was all on film and everything.

Yeah.

For a fucking DVD player.

She pepper sprayed on somebody.

Yeah.

You know, video and everything.

she was surrounded by by a good 20 30 people and she put a pepper spray thing in the air

and started spraying and everyone's like choking to death and she did it just to get her hands on

a fucking cheap fucking movie uh fucking machine that's incredible isn't it legal though over there

to carry a gun in some states so theoretically if you were like carrying you have to be registered

yeah but if you if you were registered let's say and you were carrying this big fucking

gun then you could walk into any bloody store nobody would touch you pretty much

yeah they're gonna arrest you you can't pull you can't even show your gun man surely you have like

i thought you had like an open carry uh over there i think they do you know who knows about

that is zyklon he could tell you but yeah there's people have open carries

yeah imagine if you were doing that you were not gonna get you you just walk straight through the

ride people just pass out of the way they'll be oh sir please come in you can't do that man

you know um yeah hey i made you know milkman have you ever had a rusty you know i'm trying

to scratch now and i made a rusty nail which is drambouille mixed with uh whiskey have you

had drambouille before jen you don't drink asshole you know never mind well i ask you

drambouille it's like it's it's a blend let's see a secret recipe of herbs spiced and heather

honey crafted with scotch whiskey it's a liqueur well it's made with whiskey and they mix it with

honey and some herbs and some spices uh so kind of like spice room no no i don't know i think

it's french or something but you mix 50 you mix equal parts this with uh just regular johnny

walker back here and it's called a rusty it's called a rusty nail and at first it tasted nasty

but now it actually tastes kind of good now that it combined that was damn good it's a rusty nail

I have some absinthe here.

Cut your ear off, Jim Stewart.

Yeah, man.

Let's go.

I really rarely don't touch it because I only have it when I'm sort of having a cold or something.

And then I put some into some paracetamol drink that I make, and I feel really good.

Well, Jim, we're all going to drink.

Have one shot.

One shot.

I can't because I've got to go to work in literally less than 10 hours.

So I'm meeting a client.

So if I turn up drunk, he's going to be like, oh, yeah, you're nice.

Do something.

You don't smoke.

you don't

go eat something bad

do you have anything

bad to eat

don't be silly

I'm having a lovely

cup of green tea

oh my god

what a homo

very nice

well turn some

porno on

and watch it

while we do the show

yeah okay

I like the sound of that

there you go

I won't be masturbating

on the show

you can if you will

yeah

because you got

milkman

be honest

don't be stupid

are you drinking anything

do you have anything

you don't have anything

he's got a big fat

spliff over there

I got a whole

oh he's smoking

hey man

I've got a whole

yeah you're drinking that g what is it the gsp what the hell you call it gdp i was editing

podcasts and you keep dropping that i'm like what the fuck are you talking about gdp gdp gdp god man

gross domestic product yeah right anyway so um what happened to this prayer what we were in the

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah, man.

The prayers for our good friend Brad Carter,

who tomorrow is going to be going out there to do some fucking pranks

and is going to videotape him.

He's going to go to Walmart dressed like a Walmart employee

on the busiest shopping day of the year.

And he's hoping that people go up to him and ask him questions

and he's going to fuck with them.

And he's going to be recording it, Jen, on audio and video.

I can't wait to see that.

yeah i told i gave him i told him just uh at random just tell a lady he has to go to take

a shit in the middle of a question you know i gotta go take a shit yeah

the manager yeah there you go yeah yeah and brad you should walk around with the box of tampons

like the entire time like go like just walk around with it you know people like do act like

you're working and stuff but just keep keep hanging out to a box of tampons like you're

You're meaning to put them back where they go, but you haven't gotten to it yet.

Just keep carrying it with you everywhere.

Like, if you stop and you act like you're working, you know, put it down on one of the shelves and go and, you know, be stupid with the customer and grab your box of tampons and keep moving.

I think that, Brad, come on.

You got to do it.

Start handing out the tampons to, like, all the really attractive girls and be like, yeah, hey.

It'll be like, yeah, you were looking for these, you ass.

Was that you?

You wanted, you needed this?

you like the heavy flow one the heavy one brad do that that's but that's balls just go up to the

hottest girl you could find but like you ma'am i got these you said you needed these like in front

of a bunch of people can you like oh i don't believe i don't need that no i don't believe

and when she says it's not that then go back and get the maxi pads or bring those to her

instead

can you imagine oh not the tampons

oh my bad wrong ones

get the pads instead

alright so we got

plenty of requests of pranks here Lonesome is sending

in numbers for stores that are opening

or are about to open tonight

we've been trying to track down this

Ernie guy that we missed talking about

horses for the last two

years Jen you probably don't

understand but I was

inspired by you two years ago

on thanksgiving and i just started talking about horses at random and yeah i got that yeah one guy

got really mad about it and because we accused him of masturbating a horse milkman you remember this

and then exactly right so then he had this whole affinity for that yeah so then exactly a year

later the next thanksgiving last year uh i tried to call and do it to him again and the first place

that he works for said no he he's gone he left but here's the phone number for the place he

works at now so call again and he remembers me and he's like you fucking i don't know why

what did he say he's like i don't know why you keep calling talking about a fucking horse okay

he's like why don't you go fuck yourself and quit yeah he's like yeah yeah and i was like really

like i called you before it's like yes like like a year ago yes like maybe last thanksgiving and

he's like he like thought about it for a second i think that's how it went down anyway so we've

We've tried to track him down.

Now, the restaurant he worked at last, the Hooters in Guam, is out of business.

The phone number doesn't go through.

And I know some people, I've been working on this, Lonesome and Baz,

and Brad even took a, I don't think Brad, I talked to Brad about it.

I don't think Brad was looking into it.

But we've been working on tracking him down again since our last place that we knew he worked at

has gone out of business.

We think we found his full name.

We might have a few numbers out there that we can try.

There's no guarantee.

And quickly, as a question, is the video stream a problem?

I got a message here.

Not that I have no reports of problems with the video stream.

I got 19 viewers on the video stream right now, so there should not be a problem.

And four.

Oh, there's a big Heineken can in front of me.

Whoops, I didn't even know I did that.

I just put the Heineken can up somewhere, and it was right in front of the camera.

Sorry.

That was an accident.

All right, so let's start the show.

Rather, let's start the pranks, I should say.

Oh, start the show.

I thought it was going to say show.

Yeah, show started.

Are we not live?

No, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're live, we're live.

Walmart's.

What's Walmart got on sale?

That's another question.

Let me look that up.

So let me educate myself, because every year I go, and I should have done this before,

but every year I go and I start calling these stores without having the information as to

what crazy deals they have.

But there are websites now, Jen Stewart, that are geared just for Black Friday.

Yeah, I'm looking.

I've already typed it into Google.

I'm seeing this craziness.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, we'll see, Milkman or Jen, if you guys want to keep your ear down to the news sites,

and I bet you someone's going to get trampled here before...

That trampling happened here, I think either in LA or in LA, one of the other days, but

yeah, it's like local.

Yeah, they'll fuck you up.

All right, let's see what Walmart's got here.

We got some Walmart numbers.

They got a $398, 30...

Whoa, wow, that's good, dude.

Dude, a Samsung 39-inch LED TV for $398.

I've got a 50-inch LED HD TV for $698, 50-inch.

That's actually a good deal, too, $698 for 50-inch.

That's a huge, massive thing.

What's the brand?

50 fucking inches.

What brand is it?

Samsung.

Samsung makes good shit.

I like Samsung's color depth.

They're Korean.

Yeah, I like their color palette, and they're not Japanese.

like you said they don't have shit quality but samsung i like yeah i i prefer samsung to uh sony

products when it comes to visual stuff um definitely well i don't know i mean the playstation

isn't made by samsung unfortunately no that's made by sony and that's there you go jen do you

you play ps3 do you play games i used to i now i know i just do on my computer because my computer

is such a beast i just always play modern warfare 3 and on steam games i beat black ops 2

single player. That's such a

shit game, Black Ops 2. Everybody was like,

yeah, go out, buy a bike. There was all these

fucking big traders. Everybody's on Facebook.

Get it, get it. It wasn't that good.

What a fucking waste of money. I opened a Facebook

a PayPal dispute, so I

get my money back. I love it.

Piece of shit. No, seriously,

yeah, I beat those single player and I

even bother with the multiplayer. I was like, oh, it's

going to happen. Like every single

game in this series, it's

popular for about three weeks

and then a bunch of kids get on there being stupid

and it gets boring really fast

and I stop playing it

and I wasn't about to start buying Mac packs

and all this shit for that

so then I started playing Assassin's Creed

the new one

have you ever played an Assassin's Creed game before?

no I've never played Assassin's Creed

my question for the chat audience

this is my first Assassin's Creed experience at all

in the series

are these games usually this boring?

because I'm maybe 4 or 5 hours into the game

and I'm extremely bored

with how monotonous

and linear it is.

We need Maven here tonight.

Yeah, tell me,

are they all like this?

Because I'm getting ready

to fucking stop playing

this game already.

I rented it.

I didn't buy this one.

I rented it at the Redbox

for the PS3

in lieu of buying it

just to check it out.

Pretty bad.

Pretty bad game.

Maybe a wise decision.

Slow burner.

Creeper, maybe.

Yeah, Herbal says

the second one

picked up the story a bit.

It's got a better story.

yeah this story sucks i don't know what the it's like you can't do nothing wrong it's like here

press just keep holding down x and and forward that's the whole fucking game so far and and tap

tap tap uh the square button every once in a while after an hour i'm like okay i guess this

is some part of some kind of tutorial it's just don't just watch a movie and the longest fucking

tutorial ever yeah i think i feel the same way about all sort of single player games i'd rather

to be like online and playing

competitively.

Maybe I'll look at the other ones.

Zyklon says try the new Hitman.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

I don't know. Okay, hey, let's

get to the prank calls. I know we have Walmart. They got that TV.

Let's be stupid.

What's Smash Brothers like this year, man?

What's what?

Smash Brothers.

I don't know. I don't know anything about Nintendo Wii or Wii U.

I don't think there has

been a Smash Brothers in like eight years, I don't think.

I think the last one they made was the one

that first came out for the Wii in 2008.

I don't think there's been another Smash Bros.

I'm sure there will be one now that a new system's coming out.

There's a new Mario Bros. game.

Like, Mario Bros. kind of HD-looking.

It's all tricked out.

Yeah.

On the new...

I love Mario, the...

What's the one with the capsules, man?

Dr. Mario.

Oh, the Tetris-y one, kind of?

Yeah.

Dr. Mario.

That was a good game.

Dr. Mario was good.

I like Tetris more, but I respect it.

I played some Dr. Mario.

on the NES. I admit that.

Good call. The fuck? Maybe this one didn't even

open. Well, Lonesome confirmed them.

So, maybe he's just busy. Let me try

a different one in the same state.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

This call will be monitored or recorded

for quality assurance. Thank you for calling

the Walmart home line director. I need to talk to

Electronics so fast. You have no

idea. Well, I don't know if you can get back that

fast. Today's Black Friday, sir, and

they're all out on the floor. Listen,

I don't care if it's Martin Luther King Day. I need

to talk to someone in Electronics.

By the way, Jin, did you hear you got some sound effects here?

Suit, but I need it for.

That one right there.

Yeah, yeah.

At the beginning of the show.

That was really good.

I want to put that on a new soundboard for Madhouse, for their permission.

But I need it for.

They got horse.

Suit, but.

Horse.

You know, if you played it at random intervals, people from the listeners would probably think I'm actually saying that.

Yeah, but years from now, I'll be playing it.

People will think, oh, Jin Stewart's always been on the show.

He's never missed a show in 20 fucking years.

would be playing them horse you will have died and moved on oh thanks a lot sorry i'm younger

than you and i'm fucking i'm gonna die before you you could get an accident because you're always

out there yeah yeah yeah with my bike yeah yeah so be careful don't go on that bike get a nice

big strong car that's what you need hey jen i told i don't know why i had never i had never

heard that what was the prank that i told you that was cracking me up i was crying feces

I don't know why I listen to that

and it's for some reason

when you tell the lady that you lost a feces

the way you say it

it's relatively new

it's quite new I did it this year

a lot of people haven't heard that

but that's one of my favorites

let me play it real quick

I want to hear this real quick

the lady gets so

I forgot a feces

you are the feces

Hello? Yeah, how are you?

I'm all right, mate. You just rang up just now, taking the piss. What's up?

What do you mean, taking the piss? What are you talking about? I said I left faeces there.

I didn't say anything about piss.

You left some faeces?

Faeces, faeces.

Listen, Alman, shush for a minute. What's your problem, mate?

What do you mean, what my problem is? I told you, I left faeces there. I want you to go and get it for me.

Yeah, where are you going to get them from?

What do you mean, where? Get what from?

You tell me. You said go and get it. When did you come here, mate?

I came there three hours ago.

Yeah, what table were you sitting on, mate?

I was sitting at the one next to the window.

Next to the window?

Yeah, where the chair is near the window.

You know, looking outside onto the road.

How many people were there?

Three of us.

Three of you?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no three people coming to this side next to this window.

Yeah, I think so.

I think you're lying bloody hell, that's why.

Sorry?

I left my feces in there.

I want you to go to the toilet and bring it to me.

Oh, you left your shit in the fucking toilet hole.

Yeah.

Very fucking clever, you piece of shit.

Why don't you come down and we'll talk about it, innit?

What do you mean, innit?

You think you're a big man on the phone.

Why don't you come down here, mate?

You know what that dress is, don't you?

You bastard.

I would punch you in the tooth.

You stupid little fucking piece of shit.

Do you know who you're talking to?

Yeah, who am I talking to?

You fucking arsehole.

Who do you think you are, mate?

Hello? Yes, can you help me?

Hello?

Hello? Yeah, how are you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you. May I help you?

Yes, yes. I left a faeces there.

All right. I think you're taking the mic, aren't you?

Yes.

Do you actually know who I am?

Yes.

Do you?

Yes.

Right.

If you do not stop ringing this number, we will put a trace, okay?

Yeah.

They will put a trace, Jen.

And to listen to the rest of that, go to your YouTube, right?

That's where it is.

Yeah, yeah.

YouTube.

So that was from this year, then?

Yeah, that was from this year.

How did we miss?

She goes crazy, and then she starts accusing me.

She said, you are the feces.

I'm telling her, like, what is it, Counselor Fletcher?

She says, I am good friends with Counselor Fletcher.

I just like

It's the way you said

You're like feces

Suddenly

You had this like

Quiver in your voice

I'm like oh god

I'm good friends

With Councillor Fletcher

I'm good friends with

Councillor Fletcher

Who's Councillor Fletcher?

Then I tell her

I'm

I am

Councillor Fletcher

Oh no you said you were

The wife

Or the husband

Or whatever

Yeah yeah yeah

I'm married to

Councillor Fletcher

Married

Yeah yeah

Councillor Fletcher

Sounds like

It's like a man

She's like

What does she say again

Oh um

Frida

No you're not

Frida is married

To Councillor Fletcher

I am free to.

Yeah.

Guys, check that out.

It's called Forgotten Feces, and it's over at jimstewart.com and is YouTube, youtube.com

dot slash James Stevens.

Check it out.

Jim Stewart.

James Stewart.

I wish there was a James Stewart channel on YouTube.

That would be amazing.

Yeah, and it was the dead instead of you.

Greatest actor in American history.

If it was the dead instead of you imitating you, the dead would make it.

I wonder what the dead sounds like with a British accent.

The dead was just trying to call in.

Oh, that'd be amazing.

I'm trying to get the dead on the line, Milkman.

Are you talking to him?

Tell him to get on.

Damn it.

Tell him to wake up.

Get on here.

Good.

The dead might be joining us here shortly.

In the meantime, let me call back that Walmart for just a moment ago.

We're going to have, since that lady answered before, I'm going to complain about the wait.

We're trying to organize a White Friday where we get rid of all the black people.

Hello?

Milkman!

Hey, it's the dad.

The dad.

This call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

The dad, we're doing prank calls.

What's up?

What's up, America?

Yo.

Thank you for calling me over there at Walmart.

How may I direct the call?

Yeah, listen.

You said you were going to transfer me really fast to electronics.

I did.

They took a very long...

They didn't even...

They're still on the other phone, ringing and ringing.

Well, let me keep in case for you, because I think most of them are out on the floor.

Hold on.

well can you do you know any of them personally you can get dad you got uh echo background

fix your shit man come on dad you you motherfucker

the dead go fuck yourself you bitch it's a motherfucking

motherfucking blood-pudding motherfucking piece of shit the dead's actually he's talking

He's talking to his dad, guys.

Just to let you know, he's talking to his dad, not to you.

He's got his war tomahawk out now, guys.

Yeah, you hear that?

Wow.

What is your problem?

You okay, man?

Oh, my God.

Nunu, did you really say that?

That's horrible, Nunu.

Is the dead's grandmother dead yet?

for quality oh my god please talk to them damn it i have to call a different one what happened

do you want to talk on air or off air yo i want to talk on here for a minute um you know what

carlito i fucked a 24 year old married chick two times two weeks ago how much um three hours each

each time okay good how many how many well did was that was breaks well hang on hang on hang on

the first time she had four orgasms the second time she had three orgasms are you sure she had

them because they're pretty good at faking those no you know what she did have them did you feel

the kegels you feel you can tell the kegel muscles get like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah jen you jen knows

is all jenzo he fucks like a rabbit what do you think all right for three hours at a time

well hang on the dad there's a different now okay when you say three hours is this

yeah but listen to dad i mean were you was was this skin on skin for three hours or was it

what was um there were like five to ten minutes break but yeah no condom oh yeah bad back all

all the way my friend that's yeah that's that was a bad call none of that fucking no i'll do that

don't be there we lost him he dropped out holy shit what

hang on yeah hang on what was that today go ahead you said so no condom for three for three hours

it's not no condom it's called barebacking yeah hey today he's uh man yeah he was doing

So he was doing a girl raw for about three hours.

Yeah.

Three hours.

We've got to get more of this, because that's hard to do, man.

You know, with a condom, you lost a little on the gin, right?

You know what I'm talking about.

Three hours.

You've got to pop two or three condoms.

Was he drinking?

Because I can understand, you know, you get the gin, you don't know, because you don't

drink, but Milkman gets the whiskey dick, you know, and it's, you know, when you can't

finish up, but you stay on.

Well, the dick can put the water, so it wouldn't be so bad.

I've done a lot of...

Three hours with no condom.

He had to have gotten her pregnant, right?

Wouldn't you think?

He could be infertile.

You never know.

He could be.

Good point.

All right.

Well, let's continue on.

Did we lose him on Skype, or is he still on?

He dropped out again.

I think he's having connection issues.

Let me try to dial him in here.

All right.

See what's going on.

Put him on speaker so we can hear him, his explanation.

Hello.

I'm bringing him back on then.

All right.

We've got to get him back on.

He's on fire.

He's drumming booze like scotch.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

It's got the same spices that they put in spiced rum,

like Captain Morgan's at Milkman, and a little bit of honey.

That's Drambuie. It's all right.

Yeah, we're not getting an answer to that.

I don't know if she's seeing the number and not answering it,

or they're way too busy there.

Here's a different one, another Walmart.

Any word from the dad there at Milkman?

Thank you for calling Walmart.

This call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for calling. I have my direct to call.

Yeah, listen, do you know anybody personally from electronics?

Electronics, maybe you can go out and see if they can come to the front real quick.

Uh-oh, sir, I can't leave this phone.

Well, is there someone, maybe?

Do you know someone who works there that you trust so you can page it in person?

Sir, if I transfer you right now, all I can do is page them overhead,

and hopefully they'll pick up, okay?

How long do you think it will be, like five minutes maybe?

I don't know, sir.

I really don't know, but I will try for you, okay?

Can you get on the radio and say, hey, come in and ask them how long they think it will be?

no i'm on page no i'm okay please i need the tv i need the tv please don't hold on please i need

the tv oh god you guys don't want to hear my story you're breaking up hang on yeah tell us

tell us while we wait for electronics all right come on dude you don't want to hear me

you're yeah we do i'm but we're in the middle of interviewing you over this

i was trying to bring him back on the phone you got him on skype now

I want to tell you my story, okay?

All right, we'll keep.

So the last we know, okay, we were...

Anyway, I fucked my grandmother's TNA.

Uh-huh.

You know, my grandmother died, right, on Sunday.

Yeah, sorry about that.

November 4th.

Yeah.

What's wrong after my grandma?

I fucked her on November 5th.

You fucked your grandmother?

No, I fucked her.

her nurse her nurse her nurse jim one of her nurses yeah yeah sure wait wait wait so they

did was it was it a nurse that came to the house or from the hospital or what nursing home she came

to the nursing home she was her nurse in the nursing home okay wow did you fuck her in the

nursing home okay all right all right so how did this work you went up to her you said hi let's

get it on and she was like okay baby let's uh she seduced me oh so she came to you and she's like

oh let's get it on and you were like okay yeah i'll fucking ride so so where'd you go to her

house was it your house was it in the my house in your um on your bed from costa rica uh-oh

all right listen come on let him talk all right so from costa rica

Oh, God, Carlito said, uh-oh.

No, listen.

Well, I'll tell you.

All right, so did you clean your room extra special for her?

Like, did you do any special steps?

No, you know what?

I fucked her in the spare bedroom, so.

Okay.

All right, that's cool.

All right, and that's a good idea.

All right, so three hours, were you in for three hours?

Like, in her for three hours and no condom?

No, I wasn't in her for exactly three hours.

We took like 10, 15-minute breaks.

Okay.

But then she shoved my penis back inside her.

Wow.

Okay.

And what would you do during a break?

Would you hold her?

Were you spooning, or what were you doing?

No, we were holding each other, and we were talking and shit.

You were embracing and talking.

All right, nice.

Okay, but can I just one question?

Yeah, go ahead.

How did you manage to keep it up for three hours like that?

Because I have this problem, you see.

After I've done it once, it generally goes flaccid for, well, quite a while.

I kept it up for three hours.

I don't know how.

But both times, I fucking kept it up.

I kept getting boners.

And I don't know how.

Yeah.

There is a magic recipe that no one really is really thinking about.

Stay a virgin for 28 years.

And then you got this result.

I don't know how the fuck I put...

I had the boner up for three hours.

I don't know that either.

I had the fucking boner up for...

Okay, that's cool.

So, all right, so hang on now.

So, like...

What did you ask?

Did you take her up the odds?

Did you do anything, you know...

Yeah, that's what...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, that's...

That's what I want to ask the dad.

All right, so how did you start?

like what did you take your shirt off like how to tell me how did this start she said that no i'm

gonna answer nunu first um she said that her ass is oppressive and i can't really do anything in

that area okay but you know i'm when we started on friday um i made the first move i said she

She was, like, motioning me to sit next to her on bed, right?

Uh-huh.

And I'm, like, okay, I'll sit next to her.

Then we were talking for a minute, and it was, like, silence for, like, another minute.

Okay.

And in my mind, I'm, like, fuck it.

And I leaned over to kiss her.

Uh-huh.

So we meet out and stuff, right?

Yeah.

Dad, like, took a uniform because she was in a nursing uniform.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She was in a nursing uniform?

Yeah, she was.

Oh.

Oh, ho, ho.

Okay.

All right, nice, nice.

She took off my pants and stuff, but she left her panties on.

I left my boxers on.

Okay, all right.

What are you holding for?

We're holding for electronics.

What are you holding for?

Electronics.

Electronics, and we're being very patient.

okay hold on one more all right all right go ahead oh yeah she was getting up when i was

rubbing against her okay so you were doing dry sex like dry humping dry humping yeah okay all

right she took my boxes she took her panties you know i thought i was gonna put the condom on

uh-huh but um then she's like i want to have some i want you to rub against me nice i'm like okay

all right and before you know it um she put my dick in her oh before you know it okay

all right so you were on top of her then was it um no she wasn't top of me wow okay

Let him talk, Milkman.

Come on, start with him.

Did you go down on that?

Sir, what is it that you're looking for in electronics?

We're looking for the TV to play this video

that we keep talking about.

Carlito.

Yeah.

I didn't go on that because she was on her period.

No, wait.

Oh, so you banged her on her period.

Yeah.

Oh.

What size television are you looking for?

There's one for $398

That's 39 inches

It's going to have the big cock on it

Not by choice

all right so sorry oh wow now that just changes now it's not so hot all of a sudden

let me turn this music off all right so for three hours and she went so did you switch

positions after that i'm guessing yeah we did a couple of positions yeah or would you finish

At one point, I was on the side, and she put my cock in her, and I was banning her from the side.

I was laying her in vertical, and she was laying her chandelier, and I was banning her that way, too.

You didn't lick her at any time?

No, she was on her period, Jim.

I didn't lick her because I didn't want to taste the blood.

Good idea.

You'd get red wings again for sure if you do that.

Yeah, all right, so the dad.

You know what?

I didn't want to lick her because I didn't want to practice.

Yeah, all right, so the dad.

Where did you finish at?

Ken's asking if I just gave her just the tip.

I gave her my full six inches.

All right.

Six inches, you fucking monster.

You monster.

Six inches of what?

Six inches.

All right.

So where did you finish at then?

That's the question.

I finished on her back, on her tummy.

Okay.

Almost in her mouth and shit like that.

So, yeah.

Oh, nice.

Was she fat?

Did she have a little bit of fat or was she like super slim?

She, no, she was really slim.

Okay.

All right.

I like bussy girls myself.

I like a bit of what's on mine.

You know those American chicks, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know them.

You know, because they were

more

foolish and shit, right?

Yeah.

So, you know them, right?

They're fucking slim as fuck, right?

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.

And they have tight ass boots and shit.

Okay, nice.

Nice. So what was your favorite position?

It sounds like the horizontal, the side when you got her from the side.

You know what I loved when she actually was facing the door

and I like seeing myself in her position of love.

Wait, wait, she's facing the door?

And you could see yourself in her?

What was that, like a fucking lucid moment?

And I think my dick is a pussy, so...

Okay, all right, so what was it?

She was on top and facing away from you?

So the reverse cowgirl is what you're saying?

That right there did it for you?

Yeah.

Okay, nice, nice, all right.

And you know what?

So, like, when she was facing me right, and she was on top, and when we were doing it,

uh-huh and she was about to have a orgasm yeah the look on her fucking face

what the fucking price oh there you go yeah it's a good moment that is and then

the fucking price i need to call a gallop right now yeah all right yeah now i'm thinking about

that face that's a good face that's the old face calling walmart this call will be monitored or

We're recorded for quality assurance.

Hang on, we'll get more.

We're going to go back.

Walmart, how may I direct a call?

Yeah, we're still waiting for electronics.

This is ridiculous.

You guys are waiting for electronics?

Yeah, we're waiting and waiting, and no one ever answers over there.

Let me just try to page them again.

Hold on one second.

All right.

Wait a second, lady.

Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you still there?

Lady, hello?

I can call her back.

You want me to call her back?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

I'll call her back.

Don't worry about it.

It's good.

What are the prices, Courtney, though?

What?

Thank you for calling Walmart.

This call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Let me talk to the lady.

Can I direct your call?

Yeah, hello, miss.

Yeah, me and my friends, we're talking about O-faces,

and I was just interested, you know, just out of curiosity,

what is your O-face?

What do you do?

Do you, like, scrunch up your whole face,

or do you open up and you go,

what do you do?

I'm sorry?

This is Walmart.

Yeah, I understand that.

That's right.

I know that.

But we are talking about orgasms and O-faces, and you're a female, presumably, so I'm...

Hello.

That's true.

That was a rather abrupt disconnect.

I didn't like that.

Maybe you should try.

Call her back, and then you ask her the same question.

Dede does a good job asking questions like that, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Please, Dede, ask her that question.

Dede, really, talk dirty to her, man.

Set her up like you're going to work her over, man.

Talk to her like you're a Costa Rican girl.

Be like a little baby.

Call her baby.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm mine.

You got something in your...

All right.

All right, cool.

Let's see.

Did you have turkey?

What did you do today?

I didn't do nothing.

Nothing?

You didn't see your dad or nothing?

You know what?

My dad went to his girlfriend's house and property to fuck her and shit.

So who cares?

Who cares?

Yeah, fuck it.

Yeah.

And you've had plenty of pussy lately.

at least you're good um yeah i actually did so thank you for calling walmart this call

yeah um you know what i would like to know if you would go out with me and

she's gone she's gone did you hear her go oh my god in the background

room she's like oh my god she's like oh my god these guys are good i love it because they're

so busy right now it's hilarious walmart this call will be monitored or recorded for quality

assurance i would i would have been like i want to make chocolate pudding baby chocolate pudding

don't worry i got more i got more walmart's no call her again all right it's the answer's

They must be really busy.

This is hilarious. I love this.

What was really funny

was that we have a whole conversation

going on and she comes on and we start telling her

about conversations we had on hold

including her in that.

She listened and

she heard

describing how she was on her period

and

it's like, so what kind of TV

are you looking for?

Thank you for calling Walmart. This call will be monitored

or recorded for quality assurance.

I couldn't hear you.

You're okay?

Oh, I hung up on him.

Oops.

Wrong guy.

Do we have a picture of him?

I want to see a picture of him.

Oh, he's got some pictures.

I disconnected him on accident.

He's on Facebook.

Give me a go.

Yeah, I'm going to go on Facebook right now.

Yeah.

Dad, answer.

The dad.

Come on.

I lost the dad.

Trying to get him back.

Milkman, tell the dad we're trying to get him back.

He hasn't called me yet.

He figured out he's off yet.

He might be sitting there talking.

There you go.

All right.

Right, that's cool.

I'm real happy for you, man.

My penis is the war machine.

That's six inches.

Ask him about his new girlfriend there.

He's getting set up here with a chick here in the Bay Area.

On the call or what?

What?

I'm hearing Nunu, right?

No, that's Jen Stewart.

No, no, that's not Nunu.

Yeah, you cussed out Nunu at the beginning.

No, no, you fucking, no, no, you are a coward.

Get on, fucking, stupid, fucking, coward, you piece of shit.

Hey, tell him, man.

That is bullshit.

He doesn't fucking.

No, no, you're a fucking coward, you piece of shit.

Wow.

You been drinking tonight?

Did I get anything?

I'm drinking whiskey.

You're a fucking coward, you piece of shit, anyway.

So, Dad, how do I find you on Facebook, man?

um thank you for calling walmart this call will um give you a link yeah yeah give me a link in

skype in skype yeah yeah put in the skype chat um okay um you know what i can't do it thank you

for calling walmart this call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance you seem like

like a jolly old bloke jolly old bloke yeah hey carlito hey jose jose's here you seem like you're

a fucking awesome because you know it's a piece of shit bitch thank you for calling walmart no no

it's a piece of fucking shit bitch yeah hi listen i've been waiting for electronics for a long time

and this is ridiculous you've been waiting on the phone for electronics i've been waiting on

the phone so much i'm about to go crazy i've pulled some of my leg hairs out and everything

on my feet i'm the phone operator i i don't recall taking your call recently the phone

hasn't even run for like 20 minutes is there a lot of people there uh actually now it's a good

time to come because it's the road before the next storm we had elbow to elbow room only when

When I came on duty at 10, I couldn't even get to the phone.

I tried to get in there, and this woman started talking to me,

and she was, like, getting all dirty with me.

Like, she was, like, I think she was attracted to me.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, you were here in the store?

I was in the store, and she was rubbing up against me and everything,

and she was like, oh, wow, yeah, what are you here for?

And I said, I was here for the TV.

And she's like, oh, you want to watch the TV with me, she was saying.

Oh, my goodness.

And she said, I've got movies with myself with no pants on with my husband, she said, having sex in the bed.

And she wanted me to watch the movie with her.

Well, I'm sorry that you had to experience that, sir.

Who was the girl that works there in electronics that was there?

I'm not sure.

We've got several women that work in electronics.

Yeah, it was one of them.

And I think if I could talk to one of them now, I think I'm going to do it.

I want her to come over.

We can watch the dirty movie she made with herself and her husband.

Thank you for calling, sir.

Well, can you put me through?

I really want to talk, see.

Seriously, I want to see that.

Did Den make a video next time?

And share it with me.

All right.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

I want to talk to them.

All right, go ahead.

You got it, man.

If you date, I'm going to fucking give you 100 pounds.

I don't know where I'm going to die.

I'm going to tell Vicky that you are.

Okay, good.

I'm going to tell Vicky.

Can I help you?

Yeah, if you want to go with me.

She's gone.

Today, you got to ease into it, you know?

Somebody else is breathing into the phone, man.

Is that you, Jose?

No.

Yeah, it is.

Bye, Jose.

See you later.

If you're not in the call, mute your call.

If you're not in the call, mute your mic.

Yeah, mute your mic when we're doing a call if you're not on it.

Yeah, if you're not in it, because you can accidentally do it and not realize it.

You could fart.

You know, I took a pee.

The dead knows how to ease into it after three hours.

After three hours, yeah.

He really shoehorns it in.

What the hell happened?

Call on hold.

Why?

I don't know why the call's going on hold.

There is a problem with this call.

That was strange.

Yeah.

Can I hear you?

You hear me, rather?

What's going on?

I hear you, but you're lagging a little bit.

A little bit?

Uh-oh.

I might have too many people connecting.

It's the internet connection over there in the United States.

Yeah, you guys get all the bandwidth.

Big deal.

All right, I got another Walmart then.

Let's try that.

Walmart Supercenter.

What's your big store over there, Jen?

Is it Sesk Tesco?

What is it called?

Oh, Tesco.

We have actually got a Walmart over here.

It's called Asda.

It's run by the same Walmart corporation.

But I go to Sainsbury's personally because it's very nice.

you guys having a good turkey day hey enigma's here yeah we're doing good hey what's up gonna

make a turkey sandwich hello all right okay hey um do you want a six inch shirt excuse me

do you want a six inch shirt she doesn't play she knows what you said

thank you for calling walmart

everything's going to shit i gotta i gotta get rid of some people and hello what

dad you okay yes to dad to dad hello what's going on

all right what's up with your mic you sound like you're far away all of a sudden what's going on

No, I'm on my iPad, so I don't know.

You're on your iPad?

Yeah.

Oh, you're covering the mic, I think, with your shit, with your, whatchamacallit?

With your six-inch penis, yeah.

I think you're, are you holding it in landscape mode?

I'm good now, right?

Yeah, the microphone is on, if you're holding it in landscape mode, it's on the right side.

I do it, I'll be Skyping, and I cover that stupid microphone all the time.

Okay.

All right.

What was that, Ken?

What happened?

Tomorrow when Brad goes to Walmart,

he needs to make it real obvious,

start adjusting his balls and stuff.

Sit there and just scratch him and shit.

Scratch his ass.

He's going to walk around scratching his ass.

And like, you're hiding, but not hiding.

You know what I mean?

Like, trying to act like, oh, yeah, no one saw that.

You know what you should do is get a gorilla suit.

You know, one of these big gorilla suits

and then put the Walmart jacket on top of that.

No, that's kind of weird.

Yeah, that's the point.

Gorilla suit.

You should go in blackface.

That'd be funny.

You should sit up in blackface and painted red lips.

Mammy.

And a name tag that said Sambo.

I want to ask if they have any chicks in Shirt Tops.

And hopefully they answer, Dad.

Hopefully they answer.

They're not answering here.

Let's call the previous Walmart we talked to.

with the one...

Where is Brent Westwood?

What's going on with him?

Hey, Ken, you're an Alliance fan, right?

Am I correct?

No, man. Don't cry.

This call will be monitored

or recorded for quality assurance.

Yeah, the Alliance

deserved that win, man. That sucked.

I saw that.

Hey, um, do you have

tickets to ensure justice?

Excuse me?

I can't understand what you're saying.

Can you please talk slowly and clear?

Okay, that's okay.

That's okay.

You hurt him.

That's okay.

My client came in and he got hurt.

My client came in and got hurt.

I want the information.

She's getting upset now.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

This call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Yeah, I want to talk to a manager.

Hang on.

Hermano.

Your boss is trying to call in, Hermano.

Hello?

Can you go get somebody to come answer the call?

Let me either talk to a manager or to security.

This is ridiculous.

Preferably a manager.

Hurry up.

Damn it.

I need redemption.

All right, so how many days after the first night event was the second night event?

The next day?

Was there a lot of pre-cum?

The first day was to Friday.

The second day was to Monday.

So you had a little break in between.

Yeah, a few days to rest.

Okay.

all right that's good was she was she off the period by uh by monday or no no no that sucks

wow that's why i thought she was pregnant with my kid because she never took a pill

and i probably kind of um i probably had some excess and i probably did so you've

hang on you've made her pregnant yeah that's the word on the street you definitely made her

pregnant oh jesus christ you'll never know you'll never know if i did so the day i think i will i

will in 10 15 years time i will know i think by next week's show we'll have a report

this is better than arty by far oh yeah the dad you're beating arty out what's up the dad what

were you saying add me to facebook you fuck yeah why me no you should like me on facebook i can't

You can't add people.

You have to like me.

Yeah, he's got a like page.

You can't add to me, you fucking...

I don't have an adding page.

The dead telling you how it is.

The dead give you the right act now.

I don't like the dead's reasoning, Jin.

You fucking...

Yeah, fuck you.

Make it work.

The dead is not afraid of any archery.

Yeah, the dead.

Look, Jin has a Facebook page, not a Facebook account.

You fucking British motherfucker.

motherfucker you know what that would do i would go over there and fuck your queen

and get their fuck up to america he doesn't care

you think she would last for three hours you know our queen is quite frail i think maybe

i would break your fucking who are you holding for it we're calling we're holding for the manager

who are you holding for for the manager the stupid manager one moment break your queen

bitch yeah i'm sure you would though oh man yeah we're still waiting for the manager here

this is taking a long time to get to a manager

no no it's a piece of shit yeah mike my mother death box is trying to call in man all right

quiet hey shut up listen manager no no it's a piece of shit hello is this the manager

Hello, can I help you?

Yes, it is.

You sound like the same woman.

This is a manager.

Can I help you?

What's the manager's name that I'm speaking with?

This is Tiffany.

All right, so I want a full report here, and I want to get the information

because my client was treated very rudely over there by black people.

Excuse me, sir?

My client was.

He's very upset.

Are you the same one that called and doing a prank call?

No, he's.

The police is tracing your call.

call if if y'all are the same one the police are tracing y'all call so how can i help y'all

where's the what's which trace are they using which one because they will they will let you

know which one they're using oh yeah so how can i help you my client was treated rudely and i want

the information to set up the lawsuit against your organization and yourself okay call 1-800

down 1-800 walmart sir all right and what do you how do you plead how do you plead guilty or not

Not guilty.

You go to a judge, and you complete guilt or not guilty.

Well, how do you plead?

I want victim's justice, you fucking bitch.

He's really upset at you.

You don't understand.

You people are really offending my client really bad.

Who is you people?

Sir.

Who is you people?

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Who is you people?

There's a group of black people there that were pushing my client and being rude to him.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, sir, sir, I'm not going to entertain these.

If you would like to go down 1-800-WALMART and talk with corporate, we're not going to entertain that.

I want the whole list of you people that did this.

You people that did this to him.

You people did this to him, not us.

You people.

Us people did not.

Wow, they really hate that you people.

They'll get you with that one.

don't get you in that one you can say

yeah just have him in the back just yelling

get the porno music get it queued up man that's funny

I don't want to kiss your beef curtains.

Hey, Milkman, I said the N-word, bro.

Oh, no.

That's bad.

You can't say that to black people.

You know what, hey, Milkman?

What?

I want to say, hey, Milkman, you know what I want to say?

Hey, Carlito, call back.

because i want to say i want to kiss you i want to suck on your eight inch nickel beef

oh my god okay all right all right all right hang on hang on that's wrong all right give me a sec

i'll call back but how long is there gonna be when he gets a hold of me hey he's gonna call

call death spot right now hermano before you get busy all right hang on yeah yeah i'll call

I'm on Walmart.

I was your agent.

I was hungry.

I didn't fucking hang up on us, so, yeah.

I had to take it.

You know what?

I get to be rude and crude, too, so, you know.

All right.

Come on.

I want to get a number for you.

You get a number for me, Jen?

What?

The dad's hungry.

He wants a chew.

Yeah.

I've got a number that I've got to send to me for a drop in the city, brother.

Uh-huh.

Oh, the dead needs to talk to the brothel.

Yeah.

That guy at the brothel, he's pretty cool.

He has no legs, and he put us on the phone with the whores last night.

All right.

Yeah, you're on now.

Hi, Death Fox.

Didn't even notice.

Yeah, Death Fox is here.

We'll be adding and dropping people as the night goes on.

I can't put too many people on Skype.

It starts jerking up.

Yeah, I never even noticed when you put them on.

Come on, man.

I want to know your pound.

Yeah, I got the dead.

He needs to discuss something with you.

Go ahead.

Hey, can I suck on your 8-inch nigger beef curtains?

Repeat that again, sir.

Can I suck on your 8-inch nigger beef curtains?

What department is that in?

Who the fuck are you?

I want to suck on your beef curtains.

I don't understand what you're saying, sir.

Repeat that one more time.

I want to suck on your 8-inch nigger beef curtains.

Let me give you the department.

Hold on.

What department is that?

You sounded like Wanda Sykes.

Did anybody hear that?

Wanda Sykes.

What department is that?

We're being transferred to where?

Call the curtains.

Where they got the towels and the curtains at.

Houseworks.

Where there's a department for that.

We're being transferred to the baby clothes department.

The wick department.

I got a six-inch dowel rod for your beef curtains, honey.

Yes, man.

Isn't this the fucking classic?

That's the fucking classic.

RBGB says, beef curtains, may I help you?

Wave curtains.

It's like that.

Oh, well, wave curtains.

Better try a different number.

I'm going to call my back.

I put a Walmart from my hometown in there.

It's a really small one.

Did Ed ask her what department it is?

I just want to know, and then we can move on.

This call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.

Tell her you called about the beef curtains.

What department is that?

Okay.

All right.

Hold on.

I'm going to ask what department make a beef curtain.

Use the word if you need to.

I'm not trying to be racist.

I'm going to change it.

Poor Amara.

Tell her you also have a WIC check to use.

I'm not racist.

Ask her if they have the cheese in for the WIC checks, also.

Huh?

Ask her if they have the cheese in for the WIC checks.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

None of you know that.

Deep curtains with cheese.

Ken, you're on WIC, right?

You've been on WIC before.

I don't know if you haven't seen it.

WIC is a welfare check that you get monthly.

Monthly?

That has.

It's just supposed to pay for, like, what, milk, cheese, and baby formula.

Women, infant, and children.

It's all for just, like, the very first couple years.

I like that.

Yeah.

Carlito Cole.

Milk, cereal, eggs.

You can get now.

It's just milk.

It's the cheapest milk in the store.

It's the store's brand of brick cheese, and it's, what's the other one?

And baby formula.

I'm not coming on to me.

See, Jen?

Why are you coming on to him on the side?

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, come on, man.

Every gen gets a hold of these young guys like the dad and just starts grooming them.

He's like Savile.

I'm getting a message from somebody that says I know you call Angie Blackstopper.

Won't you call a number?

What the fuck?

He wants to fuck me.

I'll put it in there.

Let's call the brothel.

Brothel guys.

Come on.

We'll get to everything.

Alright, so where is his brothel at, um, guys?

Hey, add me to the conversation.

Alright, you don't want to fuck me.

It's in Australia.

It's, um, when we talked to him last night.

Oh my god, I don't want to fuck you, Jim.

What the fuck?

I got the idea.

I got the message.

Yeah, but when we talked to him last night, he told us his name was Henry.

He gave us this long story about how he has no legs, but he's a bouncer.

He put a lady on the phone, but he took her off the phone.

we ask her how much she sells

her cunt for or something like that.

Alright. Well, hey, wait, wait, wait.

You know what? We might,

um, I properly

could, um,

put my dick up your ass

so, but you can put

your dick up my ass so,

so... Okay, I understand, but I don't

really want to dick up my ass for three hours.

That's, um... That's not necessary.

How about one in the stink and two in the pink?

There you go. The dead. But I don't have a

pink. You'd be putting it in my mouth. The dead is

double penetration gay if you would you ever do that you think would you try um you know what

carlito if you're game with your wife then i probably would like to do a treat some with

you guys all right yeah i'll let you know yeah yeah totally i'll bring that up i'll let you

know what she says all right yeah yeah no problem you got it man yeah i'll do that

all right i'll let you know i'll ask her honestly

Peter is a wild guy.

He's more forward than I am.

Yeah, that's why I respect him.

I don't get upset.

Yeah, I'll ask her.

You're covering the microphone to dad.

Double penetration, right, milkman?

There you go.

It's a hammer play.

It wasn't to be the baloney.

All right, guys.

Carlito, this girl says she knows you.

I put all the info in there for you that she said she talked to you about a prank call for.

Call another Walmart and ask if they would do double penetration.

All right, there's way too much going on in this conversation.

All right, before I forget, Death Fox, the number for the brothel, is it?

Jim, what did you post?

Yeah, it's the brothel that they call Gotham City.

It's really hilarious, the name of it, Gotham City.

Hey, Mono, add me to the Skype conversation.

Add you to the Skype conversation?

okay all right add milkman to the sky conversation is this this is in australia then hello this is

in australia yeah it's one of those australian legal brothels all right here we go legal

anybody in the chat yeah hi is this yes is this the brothel sorry is this huh this is the house

of ill repute okay yeah yeah um we were wondering you know about having you know ladies

uh for my friend he's a virgin he's 28 years old and he's you know wanting to maybe have the

embrace of a woman to talk to him and be with him yeah is there any of the ladies he can maybe

talk to real quick and get their information like just like see he likes to talk to them

we better come down and have a look uh well let's see what he says the dad go ahead what do you

think? I would like someone with black hair down to their back and black hair down to

the back and a Latin descent, he says. Yeah, we've got heaps of girls that are black hair

that are sort of similar to that description.

They're all gorgeous,

so you should really just come down and have a look and meet them.

Are they Mexican or are they Central and Southern American?

I'm not actually sure what nationalities they are.

There's heaps of different ladies here

and they all sort of vary from nationality to nationality.

I wouldn't like Mexicans, though.

So I would like more like, you know, around Costa Ricans and stuff.

Yeah, so they're sort of all very in nationality.

There isn't just sort of one set nationality we've got here.

We've got ladies from all different countries.

So the best thing for you to do would be to come down and just...

Yeah, but are they Mexicans or are they...

I don't know. There's all different types of ones.

Yeah, we've got all different types of the ladies, so you need to come and honestly meet them.

It's your business.

How do you not know?

It's your business to know.

How do you not know?

Because there's that many different ladies that if I sat here trying to remember all of their nationalities,

I'd probably honestly, like, lose my train of thought.

We've got heaps of gorgeous ladies, absolutely stunning ones.

I'm Mexican, too Spanish, too Central American.

So did you want me to answer the question?

Do you have like a menu or something?

Do you want for an hour over there?

Sorry?

Do you have like a menu?

For an hour.

There's no manual, no.

Do you know how much they would want for an hour?

During the day, it's $300 for one hour and it's $350 a night.

It's $350 a night?

Yep.

Um, what if I wanted to stay a weekend? Can I stay there and have a couple of drinks and, like, get a discount over there?

Uh, can't places here or anything like that for the weekend. If you wanted to do that, like, you can have it there.

I've got a, um, he'd give you a couple of drinks when you come in for your intro and stuff, but if you wanted to stay, you'd have to pay by the hour.

Um, if I...

As I said, the best thing for you to do is to come down and have a look, okay?

Is there a strict condom policy in use?

I know you're being silly, saying you don't understand him because of his accent.

He has a condition, that's all.

You need to know.

Let's not make a big deal about it.

He's asking, do you have a strict condom use policy?

Can't hear you.

Do you have a strict condom use policy?

Yes, definitely.

Okay, and does that include sheepskin condoms or what?

Like, what can he use?

We supply them.

Latex.

He's allergic to the latex, and his concern is he's got a sheepskin one that's reusable that he uses,

and that's what he's going to bring in.

No, I can't do that.

Well, say that to him, because he's going to be really upset.

Yeah, I do apologize, but we can't do that.

If they are reusable, then that sort of defeats the purpose on the girls.

Can I ask you something?

What would happen if I accidentally impregnate one of the girls?

Hello?

What would happen if I accidentally impregnate one of the women over there?

She's gone.

Hello?

Hang on, I'll get her.

Well, listen, but this is lagging.

Like, it's really, like, lagging.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

Ask her what I would do if I accidentally impregnated her.

I don't know if I got dropped on purpose.

I was trying to get you to get Henry on there, dude.

He will get these girls on the phone to talk about anything you want.

Hang on, let me ask for Henry.

He's the dude with no legs.

Ask for the guy with no legs.

Let me try this, right?

All right, then ask for Henry, goddammit.

Yeah.

Hey, who are you?

Thank you, Vanessa.

How may I help you?

Hello, Vanessa. I'm a friend of Henry's. My name is Mr. Stewart. How are you this evening?

Good. How are you?

I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm very horny. You understand? I like to get it up.

Now, is Henry around this evening? Is he there?

Sweetheart, what are you up to?

What do you mean, what I'm up to? I'm up to?

I'm asking you.

You're calling a brothel. Are you aware of that?

Yes, of course. I told you I'm a friend of Henry's. You know Henry, your big boss man, the pimp.

The big boss man, the pimp, Henry.

There is nobody here by the name of Henry.

Don't lie to me.

Don't lie.

That is an insult to my intelligence.

Sweetheart.

Sweetheart, I don't have time for games.

Okay, let's not play games.

Let's get straight to the point.

Hold it.

I want to get over there and get my leg over.

Can I do it?

What was that?

I want to come in and have sex.

I want to have sex real hard.

So you're really after a dirty phone call,

and you just want to talk dirty on the phone,

and you're not interested in coming here.

Okay, so you might have to call a 1-800 number.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I want to come in.

I said I want to come in there, over there.

Okay, now address me to 72 to 74 Park Street, South Melbourne.

Wait, I want the prices.

I want all the information.

Let me tell you what I want.

What information would you like?

Right.

I have a fantasy.

I have a fantasy, right?

I want to get a nice young lady, blonde, preferably big boobs,

and I want to bareback.

Do you understand?

Sweetheart, the lady told you before,

and I'll tell you again one more time.

No sex without a condom.

Is that understood?

No sex without a condom.

What about feature play?

Can we do that?

You know, hard play?

You know what?

Sweetheart, Poppy,

if you're really serious,

you're coming to the establishment.

I want to take a shit all over your face

and rub it in your nose.

Can I do that?

You're really an idiot.

You're an idiot.

Shit all over your face.

you should have just told her

you had your own condom

I just keep using them

I don't put a hole in it

he got a reusable condom

that really got him going man

that was a good one

what do you think I am

a fucking millionaire

I keep buying condoms

why aren't we at a point

where we could

I want to call back

as a detective.

Alright, give me a second. Before that,

why is it we're not at a point yet

technologically with condoms where

we can have like a fleshlight

where we can have like a fleshlight

device that we just dip into once

and it's like a wax that forms around

it and it's like a tight seal

better than a condom and you don't have to worry about

unwrapping. You can get a spray that does

I want to call back as a detective.

Oh, Jesus, man.

Alright.

Please call back as a detective.

Alright, for God's sake.

The Dead, man, steals, man.

It's a goal.

It's like stripper fucking,

sounds like nasty fucking detectives

are playing a part.

The Dead, can you do any, like, accents

or anything like that?

Can you do, like, a British accent?

Do a British accent, yeah.

Yeah, can you do that?

The Dead used to have this really funny accent.

Did the funny accent used to do The Dead?

You could do a British accent.

That would just be hilarious.

Come on, you could do a British accent.

I can't.

You could do this one.

You could, like,

Hello!

This is The Dead.

Did I do this voice again, The Dead?

no i i can't really do one oh come on you can't do pd anymore you used to do pd it was pd i think

was the guy's name what a pd do a british accent dad come on try come on try i can do an american

here we go british accent from the dead yay do it tell you're from new zealand no yeah i'm from

Tell her you're in South Africa.

Yeah, this is

Detective Stephen

James.

You're rather abruptly disconnected.

Alright.

Alright, alright.

15 minutes

Black Friday sales will start on the East Coast.

On the West Coast?

Oh, on the East Coast.

Yeah, I just gave you one.

I have a good idea, Khalido.

What?

Call someone from Walmart.

I want to call a detective saying that I caught her having sexual intercourse on Black Friday.

Let me see if I can remember the one where it was the lady that talked to me and I told her that the lady was coming on to me.

Which one was that?

Oh, shit.

microphone microphone you gotta hold that bitch from the bottom to dad

the ipad that's the problem

do the walmart thing and then i gotta call toys r us get that monster in your pants

my name is detective stephen james and i'm calling

Because a short time ago someone asked you if they could have sex or intercourse with you before Black Friday to get in the doors earlier.

And someone at your store, if not you, agreed to the sex.

And I would like to know if I could get in contact with this person.

No one employed at this store is interested in having sex with anybody.

Okay? I appreciate it.

There was someone at your store that agreed to prostitution with someone to get into this store early for Black Friday.

date okay we're not aware of that so and there's no way for me to have any part of that okay

thank you you were lying to a detective man wait a minute she kept breathing

that was her that was her shut up that was her that was her the whole yeah the whole time that

Yeah, it was her fucking breathing, like...

That was the woman?

Yeah, she's a...

Holy shit, man.

She's like a ventilator or something, man.

She's like a mouth breather.

She was a big lady.

She was a mouth breather.

That's why.

I was going to say, the mouth breathing from fucking Georgia.

I'll call her back.

Yeah.

Call her back.

All right, I'll call her back.

All right.

He wants to work her beef curtains out, it sounds like, pretty often, right?

Milkman, help me out here.

Oh, Milkman is like a prank called Cancer.

Really?

Carlito, death, you help me back.

I'm getting it.

No, he can do it.

I'm just kidding.

I'm getting a call failed.

He can't talk when he talks.

Yeah.

AT&T security.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

There we go.

What a bitch.

Good evening, thanks for coming.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I have my partner here,

and he could probably explain to you better than I

how serious this crime is um detective carlito yes yes hello yeah listen i had called before

someone came up to my client who works there in electronics and proposition him

and he feels very uncomfortable about this i understand and i respect that but this is the

third call i've gotten about it i know it's disgusting what i can do he well who are the

It sounded like it was one of our employees that propositioned them.

Who are the people?

One of our employees with propositioning.

Who are the women in electronics?

He's really upset.

You can hear him in the background.

He's beyond upset.

I understand that.

But no one that works here would proposition anybody in that manner.

If there were prostitutes in this store trying to proposition someone,

that's something beyond our control.

No, she worked there.

None of our employees would do that.

She works there.

For three PlayStation 3s.

Hello?

Yeah, listen.

Listen, my son came in there, and he says that someone was trying to proposition him.

Say what?

My son came in there, and he said that someone tried to proposition him to sell him some PlayStation 3.

Someone tried to sell him PlayStation 3.

A woman came up to him and was touching his back and talking to him

and rubbing his leg and his arm, and she works there,

and she said that she would sell the PS3,

but that she wanted him to buy a TV,

and she was going to put a movie on it and watch it with him,

and that the movie was her and her husband.

Sir, I have the right to tell you what you're talking about.

All right, there's a woman who works there in electronics,

and she told my son that she wants my son to buy a television,

and she's going to come over and watch the new TV with him

and play a video of her and her husband in bed.

Okay, and you calling me to tell me what?

Well, because we want to know who this was

because my client is beyond upset and offended.

Okay, well, I don't have the slightest idea

who you're talking about.

Well, are you...

There's no one that I know that works or would do it.

So I don't know who you're talking about.

Are you the woman who did it?

Are you working in electronics?

Are you the one that did it?

She hung up.

Now, I have a good idea, Carlito.

I have a good idea, dude.

You know those Skylanders sets?

They're giving them away with the Xboxes.

You should say, like, your kid's getting his balls on the Skylanders.

It's all over the screen.

The fuck is the Skylander?

It's this Xbox 360 or PS3 game that has these little portals.

You buy those toys.

yeah and when you put the toys on the portal it scans them on the computer it scans them on the

screen so you should tell your kid put his balls on his balls and they won't come off and they

won't come off the picture won't come off hey let's all be quiet because i'm gonna do a prank

call now then we'll call the walmart bag okay uh carlitos it's carlito time now all right guys

carlito time all right uh take a break thank you i'm gonna do this one be quiet it'll probably

always suck. Thank you for now open

and for your convenience, we are

open all night tonight. For exciting

employment opportunities with Toys

R Us, visit our website

at www.ruscareers.com

www.ruscareers.com

For store location,

please press 1 now. To speak

with a guest service associate, press

2. Your call is important to

us. Please hold. Anyway,

Ken, sorry the Lions deserved to win that

game. That was bullshit. I'm happy

that, you know,

Romo loss. That's good. What's Dieter's

doing? RG3 had a good game today.

He's having a good season.

Denver got one more

point than RG3.

This is Linda. Can I help you?

Linda, I'm calling because I need to get a hold

of this horse that you got down there.

A horse. Who?

There's a horse. The horse. My kid wants

the horse. My kid Steven's

on the line. He'll tell you.

Steven, tell him it's called

Rocking Rider. What is it called? Rocking Rider

plus Twinkie

Twinkie horse. It's made out of

it's by Twinkie. Is it the one

that's in our sale ad? Let me see.

Dad, hey. I don't know

what it's called. I think

it's made out of

a Twinkie and I can

eat it. I don't have time to play

around today. He's just asking.

I can suck the cream out

of it. You know what he's talking about?

I want

to suck the cream out of it.

A keystone making fun of

disabled people.

Thank you for calling Toys R Us.

We are now open.

And for your convenience, we are open all night tonight.

For exciting employment opportunities with Toys R Us,

your call is important to us.

Please hold.

We got a lot of numbers.

This is awesome.

That girl in trouble.

Oh, God.

I asked if I could be with them someday,

and she's like, no, you cannot.

Nunu wants the dad to call the UK.

God damn, not by anybody.

You're not going to call anybody?

Oh, man.

Carlito, look at the chat.

An iPad we purchased for Black Friday.

You can get it home and find that some fucking comedian took pictures of his balls with it.

Served it as your background picture on the iPad.

That's awesome.

Oh, they're taking a long time here.

Oh, God.

Let's call somewhere else at random in the meantime.

Here's the Hotel Austria.

Hotel Austria is in Athens, Greece.

All right.

Athens, Greece, guys.

Call failed.

Why?

Thank you for calling Toys R Us.

Can I help you?

you yeah i was calling about the horse hello yeah i'm calling about the horse i'm sorry i was calling

about the horse okay somebody must be possibly helping you um yeah but why are you back on hold

why was she mean to me i'm sorry she was mean and nasty she said if you make me if you make me go

over there and find out the stupid horses and she said i could she thought she put me on hold and i

could hear her talking to someone she's like if this this a-hole she said who said that someone

Someone said it was some dirty, nasty woman.

Maybe it was you.

You're really cutting out, and I can barely hear you.

What kind of a horse are you looking for, buddy?

Yeah, my son's really upset.

He really wants his horse.

He's autistic, all right?

And he's yelling here.

He's autistic, and now he's set off.

He's having an autistic attack, and I can't do anything about it.

It's the Rocking Rider plush twinkle horse.

He really wants the horse.

Please just help me and tell me if you have it there

so I can pick it up again to shut the hell up.

You don't mind that I'm calling you autistic.

It's just for show. I'm sorry.

They're not having none of us.

No, I'm on hold, at least. We're cool.

She sounded offended that somebody messed with you.

Yeah, is this Grease?

Thank you for holding. Can I help you?

Yeah, listen, I went down there

and someone was really mean to my autistic child.

Yeah, I was down there

and someone was rude and mean to my autistic child.

Okay. What are you looking for?

I'm looking for the horse.

I'm going to get back on hold if you're not doing what you want.

Horse.

She's not hanging up.

She's like, I'm going to put you on hold until you answer.

I think that grease place is on the back.

Am I getting really choppy or something?

Your connection is really bad.

Yeah, it's getting bad.

Yeah, really choppy.

I'm going to have to reset Skypes.

I need to redo the conference.

Yeah.

All right, Milkman, hang on.

We've got to redo the conference.

I'm going to shut Skype down and everybody.

Milkman, stand by your phone, please.

All right.

All right, 10-4.

Well, happy Thanksgiving to you, guys.

Guys, yeah, hope you're enjoying it.

We're getting Milkman back on, and everyone else.

Don't listen to Jim.

Doom, I'm gonna...

No, you sent an email? Did you?

Oh, does it really? That's good.

Yeah, holy shit.

It was an audio clip to play for Jim.

Please enjoy the following music.

An audio clip for me.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, I didn't get to it in time,

but what scene is it from that movie?

Yellow.

That's Robin Hood, man.

Hey, Milkman, we're back.

We did it, fucker.

Yay.

Robin Hood, Men in Tights is what it's from.

Robin Hood, Men in Tights.

And is it just the whole, the endings?

Not the end of that big dance number?

Is that what it is?

No, it was basically saying it was talking,

they were going to kill you at this fair

and they were going to lure you there with an

archery contest

funny guy

alright so

we need to call Faizan

before we do anything and I wish her

a happy Black Friday

yeah Lonesome

if you're listening we need

we need the Ernie information

at least

what numbers we may have kind of

gotten here for Ernie

so we can give him a call.

It's just about that time in Guam.

Oh, I forgot to add the dead.

Faizan, Faizan.

Faizan first?

They're going to be closed, but I'll try.

You think they'll be closed?

They're Turkish.

They're probably closed because the holidays are dead in Berkeley, man, on Thanksgiving.

They may be open, but I'm almost out now.

But you have his home number.

Oh, true.

He may be home because he's here.

You're a welcome man.

That's the way to do it.

All right, let me do this, then.

Nobody say anything.

anything yeah is this them yep this is the store first oh you're doing the store

thank you for calling so i gotta find his number and i don't have it readily available

oh shit oh what is it let me think let me think here uh i got it you got it i think i do i think

i think i got an email with uh six seven turkish kitchen uh i gotta find the house number who

Who would have sent that? Yeah, I think it was FBI Steve.

Here we go. I found it.

I'm good. I got it. I just gotta find it

in his list.

You'll be happy to hear Carlito that I'm projected to beat

Dirty Aaron again this week.

You're projected to beat Dirty Aaron, but that's

the super predictions. You never know.

What the hell?

Oh, okay.

How about shit on your plate? You can eat that,

you dirty son of a bitch.

Food is a big eight-inch or hair hang

if you can gobble on it.

That's bigger than his six-inch, yeah.

Alright, this might be it. Hang on.

Now, Faison, possibly Faison at home.

Here, good luck.

All right, let me try it, then.

Nobody say anything, please.

Quiet.

Oh, please don't get him doing that.

I won't let him.

Shh, quiet now.

No one is available to take the call.

You can talk.

They might hear it.

They'll hear it.

Give me talk, bitch!

Hello?

Hello, Faison.

Hello, pick it up.

Faison.

Let me get some of that Faison.

Faison, if you get this, I wanted to wish you a happy Black Friday

and hoping that we can get together

soon and have some sex

with my friend.

Alright, they're gone.

Why is she not picking up, man?

They might not be there. They might be out

for Thanksgiving because it's Turkey.

So they're real excited about it.

Because, you know.

I don't know.

I just tune it out. Here we go.

Horse and cow. Let's see if this...

Alright, Dad.

Quiet now. Quiet.

I don't know.

Maybe mute?

Be serious, come on.

I'm not serious.

Come on now.

Be serious.

What would the girl say I want to be in you?

Yes, hi.

I'm trying to see, is Ernie there?

Is there an Ernie that works here?

I'm trying to, he, I have some of his stuff.

He left already.

He left?

What?

What happened?

No Ernie.

You have no Ernie, you're saying?

Hello?

Yeah, what are you saying?

The only people here are myself and Berlant.

Okay.

So there's no Ernie that works here or worked here?

No, not that I know of.

Are you new?

As of today, it's only going to be me and Berlant,

and then later it's going to be Jessup, but no Ernie.

What?

No Ernie.

Okay, wait a minute.

So have you worked there for a long time?

Are you new?

I'm looking at our phone list,

and right now i don't have any ernie on the list either oh man that sucks right because i'm trying

to find ernie but i think do you know where how that plays yeah i think he might work there what

do you think have you ever been there before but i don't know the bartenders personally oh okay

right yeah so hey what about hooters isn't there a hooters and over there i'm new to the base that's

why i'm asking no there's no more hooters um i'm gonna apologize in advance though if my phone goes

okay honey wait a minute so the whole that would there used to be one in his clothes

when did it close a long time ago or yeah um maybe last year sometime that's horrible okay

all right so well i'll try the house of brutus uh is anyone is there anyone there who's worked

there for a long time that you can ask if ernie used to work there or works there now

is any of those people that are there yeah do you can you ask one of them

only a jeremy jeremy how long has jeremy worked there for huh um well he's so i think he's been

here since the open can you ask him real quick is there did there used to be an ernie there

please um well he's not in at the moment i have to call him oh fuck that sucks man that fucking

sucks yeah you got nice at least on your fit like you got nice legs my friend's in the store he

He'd have a hell of a time with you, you know?

You think so?

He'd throw you around all over the bay.

He fucks like a rabbit.

He's got abs, too.

I do, yeah.

Very nice ones, too.

He likes to show off his abs all the time when we go out.

He lifts his shirt up all the time with a drink in his hand.

I'm less than 10% body fat.

He's hot, yeah.

I'm not bad, though.

Is there anything I can do for you?

My phone's going to die.

That's all right.

We could get together and, you know, we'll think of something.

Yeah, we'll have a threesome.

I like that.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah.

She's like, okay.

Uh, my phone...

Jeremy's the same owner from the last call I remember for some reason.

I don't know why.

Yeah?

Okay.

Cool.

Let me call the House of Brutus.

Are you calling...

Yeah, I'm doing this.

Working on Ernie.

Okay.

Yes, I'm trying to see if Ernie is there.

I have some of his stuff, and I'm going to be leaving the island for probably forever,

and I got some of his stuff.

Huh?

May I just call you?

Because Ernie doesn't work here anymore, and I can give you his contact number.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, hey, this is Cross.

Some friend of his, and I got a whole bunch of his stuff that he had left over here, but

I'm leaving.

Sorry, you're breaking up?

I just, yeah, I'm leaving, and I've got a whole bunch of his stuff in storage, and if

I can't get it, I want to either ship it to him or whatever.

Okay.

Did you want his contact number?

I can give it to you right now.

Yeah, totally, yeah.

All right, cool.

All right, well, thanks, man.

Thank you.

All right, be safe.

Yeah, bye.

You too, thanks.

Bye.

Oh, man, we're going to have fun.

Oh, it is fucking time.

It is fucking on like Donkey Kong.

Hi, Ernie.

It's getting on like Donkey Kong.

We're back.

Get your buddies in the madhouse.

All right, everyone, shut up.

Don't ruin this.

Don't ruin this for me, guys, okay?

You're dead, man.

Chill out, man.

Just listen on this one, bro.

He's gone.

I got rid of him for this.

Bring him back later.

Hello, Ernie?

Yeah.

Hey, Ernie, it's Cross.

What's up, man?

This is Cross.

Hey, listen, I was just calling.

I know we got into some beef the last two years,

but that horse really screwed up my head when I saw you masturbating the horse last year again

it fucked me up fucking permanently man I keep having conversations with people about horse

I keep saying horse all the time hello Ernie yes you know the whole horse thing what happened with

the horse a few years ago when I saw that I've been taught I've been in therapy and everything

about it and that's why I'm calling you I've been in therapy because of it and I'm calling

because my therapist said I should talk to you and get this get over this you know part of my

life where i saw a man who made love to a horse like that why did you do it ernie that's all i

want to know is why'd you do it he's gone i'll try him again that's his voice that's him that

prank last night that is his voice that's him this is weak this year though can i just give

a shout out to my man zughead who's listening zughead yeah represent old friend of mine hello

yeah ernie come on man don't be an asshole why'd you do it do what the horse why'd you touch the

horse like that the horse didn't like it do you know what i'm talking about do you remember

do you know do you remember me that i called you two years ago

i called you two years ago because you touched the horse in a bad way when i was at the i was

at the house of brutus i went to the house of brutus where you used to work at the house of

brutus yes you did you answered the phone and you told me that you were the one that was masturbating

a horse when i was there eating i i saw you and like on the side of the place in the dark and the

The horse was there tied up, and you were masturbating it.

And I saw you do this.

The next year I called you, you were working at Hooters.

I was at the Hooters, and I saw you again.

And you saw me two years ago.

It's terrorizing me.

Think of me.

Imagine me.

Imagine how I feel after seeing what you did to that poor horse.

That poor fucking horse.

he's really getting scared now man we touched a button on that one

on the cell phone going this is the third fucking year in a row i had fucking

jobs three goddamn times they're still

every year the same fucking same fucking day thanksgiving let me talk to him about that

that fucking horse.

Poor fucking horse.

Play some porno

down the line.

I'll just start going,

oh, fuck yeah,

and throw in some

horse sounds with it.

I'm going to let him rest

for just a little bit

and then I'll call him back.

I'll call him back then.

You've got to recover

from the shock.

This is three years.

Yeah, he's like,

click, click, click, click,

He's like this fucking guy.

He said it with burn trade.

Click, click, click, click.

What is it with Thanksgiving?

He's sitting there

looking at that cell phone

like, dude,

he's a motherfucker.

God, do they keep finding me.

All right.

Well, there we go.

That was positive.

See, we were all worried we weren't going to find that cat.

There he is.

Son of a bitch.

Three years in a row.

Why is this funny?

The arm for you right there.

The arm came through.

The arm of a lonesome loser helped out with that.

MSG3 Clay helped out with that.

No, Baz helped out.

Baz.

MSG3 Clay didn't do shit about that.

Carlito was sitting there breaking his wishbone after his turkey dinner,

and he wished I could find Ernie.

That son of a bitch.

Zyklon's trying to call in.

Let's get Zyklon in.

Who's more annoying, Zyklon or the dead?

It's about time for some gun talk.

Get his ass on the line.

Did the dead go to sleep or is he gone?

I disconnected because he kept making sex noises.

He's in the chat room saying

I'm so fucking drunk and shit like that.

It shows.

Zyklon.

Hey, Cactus.

Hey, man.

How's it going?

Let me get Brad here.

Hey, Brad.

Hi, Carlito.

Hey, man. You all ready for tomorrow?

Ma, we did a prayer for you.

We had a moment where we're thinking, wishing you luck.

I hope it helps.

I hope he keeps me out of jail for being punched in the face.

It sounded like a fucking evangelical radio show

where they were sending a missionary out,

and they just had a moment of prayer for him.

We're going to pray for him.

Do you have name tags and everything for when you do that?

Do you have, like, the name tags?

Yeah, I have Walmart name tags.

I'm not going to use those.

I'm going to use, like, 7-Eleven name tags and stuff for my beach jobs.

Okay.

Because I don't want to actually get in trouble

for impersonating Walmart, you know?

But you're wearing a vest.

How can you get in trouble for that?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

What you can do is kick you out.

We're going to wear a blue vest and a lanyard,

just nothing that has actual Walmart written on it.

I'm pretty sure all they'll make you do

is sign a paper saying you will not trespass

on the property again.

I've signed one of those before.

You can get someone trespassed.

If a business can get you trespassed for anything,

you just say,

I don't like the fucking dude.

Dude, he's trespassed, never come back, ever again.

But what they'll do is if you steal or do anything from Walmart and they don't like you,

they'll make you sign a paper saying you will not go in another Walmart.

And they'll send you a bill for like $1,000 if you steal something for like a dollar.

I know people when I was in high school that got caught shoplifting,

and they would take your picture with a Polaroid in the back and leave you in a wall in the back,

and you sign a paper promising you never come back.

Sometimes they will call the cops.

Sometimes they wouldn't.

I think they only did that in lieu of the police.

What?

I think that's only in the loo of the police.

And also, the code for the overhead page in Walmart is pound 960 or pound 961.

Well, Brad knows.

Oh, no, you were just using the phone.

You were picking up the phone lines once, right?

Yeah.

That's the code to the overhead page.

All right.

Everybody one at a time.

Hang on.

Brad, are you taking the suction cup thing for the phone also,

or you're not doing that this time?

Well, I'm going to.

It seems like most of the Walmarts have taken their phones off of the post,

but I'm going to bring it just in case.

It's a suction cup, but it's an induction coil that goes in your ear.

It looks like an old cell phone mic.

Oh, cool.

All right.

That works.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever works.

Whatever captures it.

Fuck yeah.

Well, good luck with that.

And turn those around real quick.

I'm going to be refreshing for that.

I will.

I'll try and get it put up this weekend if anything good happens.

Cool.

Awesome.

It'll probably just all suck, and it won't even be worth all the trouble.

Have faith.

We pray for you.

We'll see.

crazy stuff though yeah we'll try that whatever it was that i said that i thought was funny oh

yeah just walk around with the tampons like and also you told me a week or two ago i need to

like while i'm helping somebody i need to say excuse me hold on i gotta go take a shit yeah

and walk away like like you're holding your cheeks together and put like one hand like

on your ass cheek you know like i'll actually shit myself no really hot women you're from

loss prevention yeah do the ass cheek walk like you're you're keeping them together you're like

like oh shit like use the back of your head though yeah sexual harassment i want you to

carry around like a bunch of weird shit like a plunger some astral glide and like some condoms

different shit like that around the store we'll just carry like while you're talking to people

you know if you know if they have a extra in-depth question you know put it down and make it a point

to pick it up when you're done you know just like like you like you just found this you know

like i gotta put this back in his department but i'm gonna hold it a really big one because

because they'll know you don't work there

if it's a release from town.

I'll just lay out flyers for the strikers

and try to give them out to Walmart employees.

Oh, yeah, that'll be fun.

Even better is carry all that weird shit around

and then when a customer asks you something,

be like, oh, I'm off-duty,

I'm just doing some personal shopping right now,

but yeah, I'll go ahead and sell it to them.

Well, that's true.

He wouldn't be lying.

If he's like, I'm not at work,

I'm doing some personal, or well, off-duty.

I'm just doing a bunch of weird shit.

I'm just doing some personal shopping myself.

You could walk up to a person at the register

and tell them you've got to switch out the register

and walk out.

I'll take a bunch of money.

What if you were helping somebody load up their car?

I'm sure that you were helping somebody load their car.

Brad, you've got to do the thing where you're like...

Am I on mute or something?

No, you're good.

Brad, you've got to do the thing where you go to the front

where the cash registers are

and you see one or two people who are all the way in the back

and you kind of just look at them and mention that come here with their hand

and they go up to one of the unopened registers, you know.

I can help you over here in five seconds.

Yeah, and they just walk off.

Well, you're just saying that they have a security camera on top of each register

that's pointed straight down at it.

Just say next and, you know, I could take the next person here

and just walk off, you know, and be like, well.

If you're really ballsy, you could check somebody out,

but just say

we don't take

any formal payments

since we have

we have rabbits

what is this

shirt

we're trying to

buy

we're gonna try to

buy brez

a fucking prison time

now is that

what this is

fucking turned into

no that's

there's nothing wrong

with going

being in a store

and saying

you know

mention like

come here to

somebody

just don't go

up to the register

don't go and

set the register

zone

but walk

towards it

like you know

like you're about

to walk around

and just keep

going

real busy area and just start mumbling real loud to himself about how this

fucking job sucks every swear word under the fucking sun just make sure you wear like one

of those lanyards and like kind of like a polo shirt or something they'll be looking for you

big time just be like these keep saying like these fucking people like really loud like god

God, these fucking people.

If you can get a little of all those stickers

with the little yellow smiley stickers on them,

then you'll catch it for sure.

It's like so many fucking people.

That would be awesome to see when they're walking around.

These fucking cocksuckers are never handy.

Another thing, though, is...

You're not going to a local one, are you?

Go to the overhead for Department 61.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's local to somebody.

All right.

Get Brad to help someone out,

and he can start walking around

and as the customers follow him,

I'll just start mumbling,

but he's a fucking customer

and never fucking happy.

He always asks me stupid shit.

That's a great idea.

I'm definitely going to do that.

I'll mutter cock-sucking customers a lot.

I don't think you can get in trouble

for messing with the carts in the park.

I'll just start stacking them up

and putting them in weird places.

We're going to get carts.

Definitely going to get carts.

Maybe we'll block the doors with them or something.

Yeah, make a big line of carts

and just push them in like you're helping out.

Leave them in the middle of all the doors.

Go and get a bunch of random items

And start stacking them in weird places

Like you find the place where the condoms are

Just get a couple tubs of baby oil

Put them over there too

Like a plunger right in the middle of it

Just stack them on the shelf

Make them real fucking weird

I really like the whole giving the tampons to the woman

Like weren't you looking for these

She's got to be by herself though

Yeah I don't want to get punched by a boyfriend

I know that's going to happen tomorrow

I can't wait

This is going to be awesome

Are you going to video record it?

Oh yeah, we got spy pins and video recorders

And digital recorders

You're not going to a local Walmart though, are you?

It's local to somewhere

If you stand outside and tell people

You're closed

What do you think they'll do?

I'm closed!

Certain people, you're closed dude

Storm off like, I'm closed

Even better is he positions himself in front

of the greeter to get customers before the

greeter. And it's like, hey, welcome to fucking Walmart.

How you doing? I'm the pre-greeter.

I'm the pre-greeter to the greeter.

You're like, what are you here for? I'll introduce

the greeter to everyone. I'm the pre-greeter

of this old bastard behind me. He doesn't know what he's doing.

Hey, Carlito, I sent you

customer numbers. Oh, yeah.

It's a couple. Yeah, yeah.

I gotta do those. Okay, yeah. So

they were open today. Well, yeah, there's

open today. A lot of them stay open.

Get them, Bill.

Two of the customers answered. I'm calling Grease and then we'll do

do that yeah congratulations on finding yeah hi this is greece this is the greece hotel that's

good listen i need to speak with malakasun what malakasun name malakasun there's no here

no no is uh is tony pustis there i know him here uh anthony malakas no the name is no

No Anthony Malacca's Pustis?

what's up how you doing what's up girl it's me uh one moment it's

what is it it's no name no name no what's your name what's your name my my yeah is gus there

gus what gus nico or gus can i talk to nico nico yeah nico is nico there it's no here what about

gus no no gus or nico wow that's crazy that's like uh you know yeah well i got nothing else

for you honey what about vagina you got vagina look up can you put vagina in the computer

I don't want to be.

Yeah.

And you put in vagina?

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself, lady.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Get rid of her.

Annoying.

That's right.

Here we go.

So, what, more of the photos non-picked up?

Yeah, they just placed their orders through the internet today.

Came in.

Okay, Julia Hoffman.

I have no idea.

It's called Julia first.

I was just annoyed that I couldn't get layaways.

If somebody knows the lower Sacramento area, we could call it Taxi Dan, dude.

I don't know his number.

man that sucks we couldn't get the no leg guy at the australian brothel sounded like it'd been fun

where's jen what happened to jen dropped out oh dropped out earlier it's because he hates me did

he have to go what happened i think he had to go hey how you doing there baby who's this calling

uh this is cross i'm calling from uh the photo uh photo lab you put some internet internet female

orders hey sweetie how are you hey look um you really were supposed to come in to pick those up

about 30 minutes ago and i've stayed open here waiting for you to come pick up the stupid

pictures when are you coming to pick these up because i want to go home it's thanksgiving

where are you calling from i'm calling from the photo lab you got these pictures that you put

through for internet internet pictures they said it'd be ready at 4 30 in the morning yeah well

i'm supposed to be in bed like 30 minutes ago but i'm stuck here i can't close because you said

you're going to pick up the pictures and you're late are you on your way or when you're going to

to be here what city are you in and i this is not uh correct this is not crack this is not correct

i mean you put in you put an internet phone uh internet orders for picture machines so what's

not correct what store are you from photo lab machine you're talking about the wrong state

i'm not in that state well maybe oh may you think the computer machine is wrong yes how do you fix

it what it could have had f5 i don't know maybe f5 right let me hang on let me try that let me

to see what happens it doesn't it says f5 says error it says please enter customer response so

are you coming in or not i have to put a response no and i'm not coming to iowa all right hang on

manager i can speak to uh yeah i can let me can i just get through the screens and i'll put the

manager on all right so no you're not going to come in and it says are you canceling your order

or are you still coming in late hello if you're coming if you're calling me from iowa i mean i

I want this order.

Okay.

Let me put that down.

Yes.

I'm kind of upset about this phone call because, you know.

Well, you opted in.

I ordered from a Walgreens two blocks from my house, not from Iowa.

Yeah, that's.

And the thing did not say anything about me picking it up in a half hour.

It said it's not going to be ready until 430 in the morning,

which I was going to get it when I woke up in the morning.

So you're calling me out of my sleep.

This is the new Mogula system here.

I'm from the call center.

That is not important to me.

Yeah, Mogulus came up.

What's important to me is that I need those photos,

and I don't know what is happening,

and it's upsetting to me that it's 11.40 at night,

and you're kind of asking me why you have to stay late for me to be there.

Yeah, I've got to do something about that,

because the Mogulus computer came up on the new system.

We have the new computers and it's a Mogulus system.

Can I talk to your manager?

Yeah, I just got, if, yeah, the system, I got to put you on hold, and it's the screen locks up with Mogul.

I can't, the computer won't until I answer the last two questions.

I have to put on hold on the computer system.

Well, you're going to have to think about how to answer that question then.

Well, you said you're not going to cancel it.

You're not going to cancel it.

So, all right, I'm putting yes that you're going to still pick it up.

I'm in the corporate call center in Iowa for Mogul's control,

and we're contracted out for the photo lab for the new computer system.

It's an awesome computer system.

Well, I don't know why you said that I was supposed to be there a half hour ago

and you were supposed to leave.

Yeah, we just, the system just rolled out on Tuesday for the first time.

So we still have some bugs, but it's near perfect right now.

Well, I'll talk to your manager.

All right, hang on.

All right, so the last two questions are, you're still coming in.

Will you be here by, will you pick up your photos within the next 24 hours?

I am not coming to Iowa to pick up them.

No, not Iowa.

Iowa, no, in your local, wherever you can pick it up.

I don't know.

Yes, I need it today.

Today, okay.

All right, and the other one I can just put N-A

because it's not required questions about your race and for demographics.

And just to save some time, instead of just asking you the two questions,

what I'm going to do is I'm going to send an email

so that we can waive that last question.

And I can just say continue here, I guess.

So I'm just going to put N-A for not applicable, okay?

Okay, it says ready.

all right so you want to talk to the super the my manager all right i'm gonna put him on the line

here um oh geez hang on give me just a second the phone you see because i have to put you on hold

with the computer now the computer it's on the screen a touch screen and it doesn't always work

like i said we just started this system here and that might be why there's some confusion here why

oh i found that i found that here we go hello oh mr ken yeah i've got an asshole customer here

on the line who's giving me a big fucking hard

time. Can you talk to her, please? Get off my fucking

line. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who taught you to have those

kind of customer service skills?

I'll send you the info and

messenger. She's a bitch. She won't

leave me the hell alone. She's mad because

of the modulus. I can hear you.

Excuse me? Oh, I thought I put her on hold.

I can hear your... Hang on. Let me put you on

hold real quick. No.

Yeah, she's... I didn't have her on hold.

She's such an asshole.

No, I'm still on the phone.

She's one of those bitches that sent their

They're photos to the wrong department, and now they're bitching about us not having them ready on time.

Hang on, let's take her off the hold.

Hello, ma'am.

Thanks for holding.

I'm sorry for the wait.

I've got my supervisor, Ken, and I brought him up to speed about what happened.

He's going to help you out.

Go ahead.

Hello, ma'am.

Yes.

I understand you're having some issues with your photos not being ready on time.

Is this correct?

That is not exactly correct.

No.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and let me have your side of the story there, and we'll try to figure out a solution here.

Okay, I ordered some photos to pick up at my Walgreens in the morning.

Okay, this is the Walgreens in Iowa, the central location?

No, no.

Is this the one on rent?

Yeah, and, you know, I'm very upset about this phone call

because I feel like there's something seriously wrong with this system.

Yeah, what happened, I mean, looking at the system,

system uh it looked like uh instead of actually clicking your store over on randolph ave uh you

selected the central location in iowa and so they were sent out there well that that's not the email

i got back so um the problem is uh i can go ahead and send those pictures to you uh but they're not

going to be available for about two weeks um because what i have to do is i have to reprocess

them through the iowa center uh and then i have to ship them off unfortunately they're going to

to go through texas and then they're going to come back up through tennessee they're going to

take about two weeks and that's just the process that we handle when we have you know asshole

customers on the line that don't fucking click the right buttons what's your company called yeah

this is operated i mean it's kind of ridiculous i can see how you click the wrong button you don't

even know what system you sent the photos through no i have a whole confirmation you do yeah all

right i mean it's kind of silly it must have been one of those buttons at the bottom that you

You should have clicked.

What is your...

Would you like my employee ID number?

I can give you that.

No, thank you.

Nope.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Is there some naked pictures you could possibly offer me?

I would definitely like those to come through our call center.

She's gone.

All right.

She told you he was deleting the pictures.

I think they're really important.

It should get in my head.

That's why I told her.

The mogulus problem.

The mogulus.

It's going to take two fucking weeks to get them.

Yeah, we're mogulus.

It's a mogulus problem.

Mogulus.

Okay.

the mogula system is not working it goes near perfect we're working on it we just rolled it

out this week you've done a good job with that mogula system so far i was thinking of

contracting out with some company of rednecks in arizona or something here we go yeah we work

we work here man we got mogula working good man that's where you need to fucking larry the

supervisor yeah actually death box would have been good for that because i was really surprised

probably she didn't hang up, but I kept calling her a bitch

and different things like that.

When I was sitting there, like, just...

She thought she was, like, hearing a home message.

It was just really funny.

She was like, I'm still here.

You guys should have, like, pretend like you didn't know

that she was still listening, you know, and kept talking.

That was really funny, because that was working.

I'm here. I'm here.

After all the shit-talking, and I bring her back,

and I'm like, oh, hi, ma'am.

I'm here with my supervisor, Ken.

You know we have some here.

Just call her back, say they're deleting pictures.

when i did my regular when i was just one-on-one with her as the manager i called her a bitch two

or three times i told her that's why i was gonna take two weeks to get it well you said

stupid assholes do that yeah i was like yeah that's that's the process for fucking stupid

ass stupid ass click the wrong button meanwhile i was telling her all the systems all screwed up

we're working on it that's awesome you should you should get the next person i don't do the

same shit put them on hold yeah sit there just talk you get this asshole fucking asshole

sole customer. It's probably been at least

30 minutes since Ernie has been

flabbergasted for a year in a row.

Yeah, yeah, I'll give him a moment.

We'll get to him. I want to get to

these... Let me call Ernie back.

I want you to play some porn. I wish some horse mixed in.

Oh, fuck yeah, Ernie.

Wow.

This is Mr. Red.

This is Mr. Red. I want Ernie

to touch me. Yeah, he was

trying to play, like, stupid. Like, oh, no,

I don't know what you're talking about. No,

I didn't work there. And then when I said Hooters,

he was just like what the fuck wait a minute

last year he was like

this sounds very familiar to a conversation I had

a while back

about a year ago

a year ago to the day

that was me

you think he understands that yet

you think he understands this is a Thanksgiving horse call

that he's been getting for three years now

he has to

you let me call him back and I told him something

about the waitress look like a horse

and I was asking if he wanted to touch her and shit

He's like, I don't know why you and this other guy keep calling me about this fucking horse that he's trying to get pissed.

Yeah, we got his Facebook page, so we're going to try to see if we can figure out where he works.

We're doing the details.

That's great.

I'm so happy we got a hold of him.

It's great.

He really was missing it bad.

Yeah, he sounded like it, but he figured it out.

I was like, what the fuck?

What did he say?

This is what?

He didn't say harassment.

This is terrorism.

this is terrorism

I mean he was like just about

gasping man

this is terrorizing

whatever it is

can you imagine what the police report would look like

I get a call once

every 365 days

about a fucking horse

about masturbating a horse

once every Thanksgiving

they're like okay Mr. Crazy

okay

some guy keeps calling saying I masturbated a horse

even better

Yeah, they're going to lock him up just for saying that shit.

He's obviously a bestiality guy.

Let's lock him up.

In Hawaii, man, they'll lock you up and throw away the key.

Right, Milkman?

Hell yeah.

That's even worse than beef fucking jerky.

Excuse me.

Oh, God.

There was this one newspaper article where a dude went to jail for fucking a sheet.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Yes, this is...

Well, I'm looking for Ann.

I'm calling from the photo lab computer machines.

You put an Internet order for photos, pictures.

Okay.

Yeah, listen, you haven't been to pick these up, and you're late,

and there's an employee waiting for the pictures.

What photo lab are you calling from?

From the photo lab.

I'm in the Mogula Center.

It's a new computer system for people who are ordering pictures on the Internet

to pick them up in their local store.

Oh, so you just ordered them today, though?

Well, yeah, but you put down you were going to,

the system has you down for pickup in one hour.

Oh, well, that must have been a mistake.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's not fair, because you made this stupid kid have to stay there all this time, late,

waiting for you to come and pick up those stupid pictures.

You understand?

It's Thanksgiving, and he's sitting there waiting to fucking go home.

Who is it?

This is Cross.

I work for the Mogulus line.

We run the computer system that handles the internet photo ordering from the photo lab.

Okay.

Yeah, and we help you down with your delinquent for your photos.

that you ordered.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

I guess we made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

Well, there's going to be big trouble.

This is big trouble now

because now this young man

had to stay at work an extra two hours

waiting for you to come pick up

the damn pictures.

Goodbye.

What do I do about this?

Call her back and tell her

that she's now on top of the regular photo fee.

She has to pay his double time

for staying at work on a holiday.

Or you'll delete him.

There's an extra additional $10 fee

for him staying over.

That's right.

It's an extra $10 fee, ma'am.

Stay after work.

All this fucking time this bitch isn't coming to get her goddamn photos.

She's gone now.

I don't know if she was listening or not, but whatever.

Okay, we got one left here.

Big Katie got some pictures on the internet.

She's about to get a prank call.

Flapjack titties.

You got a dog back there?

It's funny when dogs scratch their...

Shut up, dogs.

When they scratch under their nuts and they use their back leg and have to kick it out.

It looks funny.

Now, who knows what he's doing to those dogs back there.

That's why I was telling him to shut up

What happened? Did Jin just drop out?

Is he gone?

He's not in chat anymore either

That was a request I made earlier

That I just put in a thing

She said she told you the story about it

Big Angie's got a friend

Well remember he told us early from the beginning of the show

He wasn't going to stay for long

And he actually stayed a lot longer than I thought he would

Alright so some girl

Got caught using a

Really long black dildo

Do you know the story that Fox

you know what I'm talking about

no not really

she told me to tell you to call it earlier

she's not owned anymore so you can choose

to call it or not

I got her queued up it says giving people

her up man

we used some leftovers fucker I think it's time

no we're away for one

and that mogula system was trying out

to be a piece of shit

yeah it has failed man it's a big failure of a system

alright so that one didn't work

they need to switch to gore transfer

they need to switch to the gore transfer

really soon really soon they need to all right we got 2.0 we got uh this is someone from hang

on this is a prank request uh someone from their school named dj posted on facebook that he was

waiting in line to purchase some tvs with his dad on black friday he just got home and said thanks

for the tv say you're from you need to return the tv okay sounds good here we go dj got a tv

I wish I knew what kind of TV it was

their person who sent this.

You can tell him his dad stole it

and make him think his dad's a crook.

Yeah, exactly.

His dad didn't pay for it.

He used a debit card and it didn't go through.

And you only accept pesos, man.

That's stupid.

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

3-1-4-6-6

Anyway, no answer there.

Let's keep...

Actually, I think I'm going to take that stupid break I keep talking about.

I just have a problem.

hang on shit's all fucked up man

there we go hello guys you there good

alright I fixed it alright

so I'm thinking I'm going to take a break real quick

I'm going to come back in about 5 minutes

and we'll continue the show

take another break in about an hour

10 minutes ago a guy tried to break in my truck

be sure to visit us online

at madhouselive.com

yes it's a long way to test out

Puerto Rican

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this

1-888-278-8550

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Huh? Yeah.

I feel this motherfucker.

fuck up whatever everybody we're back madhouse radio has returned from a break thank you for

hanging in there if you did we're in the break if you didn't come on back come on back come on

down come on down to chinatown all right we got a lot more numbers to get to so let's just get

started no you're wrong he's a crap you're a piece of crap your mom's a piece of crap

I just had a toasted mashed potato sandwich.

I invented that three years ago on the Thanksgiving Madhouse show.

Just had one right now.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's so good, man.

Oh, the Masterson.

Whatever you want to call it.

Mashed potato sandwich, man.

Those are awesome.

Asshole.

Toasted mashed potato sandwich.

Yeah.

Yep.

As much as you can count, maybe every week or maybe every other day,

just post pictures of horses on his fucking wall.

Yeah, about horses.

All right, let me see if I can dial this Kuwaiti number.

It sounds expensive.

Milkman, just letting you know.

Huh?

It sounds expensive, this Kuwaiti number.

Let me try it.

Yeah, there's two of them.

Yeah, it's on the correct format.

I can't dial it that way.

That's what I asked.

I don't know how to dial it.

I can't even remember.

I've got to be disconnected for a second.

into that for the dialing format

on there.

Craig, number one,

send us a proper

way back from the United States with

international codes, because that's the way we have

to dial it. So if you can, send the proper

dialing sequence. Thank you.

All I know is plus zero one one, and from there

I get lost. And it's sad that I do a

prank call show where we call

overseas routinely,

and I still don't know how to fucking do it.

Let me try this. I don't know about

Kauai, dude. It's a great

Well, it went through, but there's no answer there.

So, what was that supposed to be for?

He said, RBC, Franklin, before, it's a quady country.

Oh, okay.

Well, no answer there.

Sorry, dude.

There's a second number from a guy named Tommy,

poor guy named Tommy.

All right, where's the number?

It's in that list there.

All right, I'll try that.

says tommy i got it no one i got it that should be quite too from what it said

please leave the message after the tone another voicemail sorry it's going through though she

said they should probably answer all right well we tried craig well what time is it over there

big craig it's it's like eight hour difference it's nine in the morning nine in the morning

They better be.

Why don't you get charged, Culler?

What are these guys?

It's like 13 cents a minute.

Not a big deal.

It's mobile number, too.

So, yeah, they would add up.

Yeah, yeah.

They're 13 cents a minute.

Come on.

They're not trying to bust balls.

You're not trying to lie, Craig.

I'm not trying to bust balls, but you're busting my balls.

Hang on.

Let me try this one.

See that right there?

It cost me 13 cents.

So, Craig, you know what to do with those numbers?

Milkman, you handle it, because if I say it, it's going to come across the wrong way.

Do you want to take those numbers and fold them up nice and neat and shove them up?

No, no, I'm kidding.

I'm just joking.

Thanks for contributing, Craig.

They didn't answer.

It's not your fault.

It's your friend's fault.

They're not really your friends.

Yeah, Craig said it's 9 a.m. over there.

Yeah, it's 9 a.m.

If I'm thick, it's 9 a.m.

8-hour difference.

That's right.

Yeah, I was right.

Fuck it.

So toasted mashed potato sandwich, if you guys want to make one now or if you got leftovers,

here's what I say.

You take two pieces of bread.

On the bread, you're going to put a layer of mashed potatoes.

you're going to put a layer of either the stuff that you um you use to fill up uh deviled eggs

or you could substitute if you really want i guess you could substitute just mayo and mustard

all right sprinkle a little bit of salt sprinkle a little bit of salt and from there if you want

if you want to get crazy you can add some turkey to it if you want if you're in a mood for if not

don't worry about it um you know if not you can go proteinless except for what's in the egg mix

from the deviled eggs but you toast that motherfucker for like four or five minutes

depending if it was on the fridge a little longer maybe it's a good meal man it's a good it's good

it's good like at 12 in the morning when you're listening to prank calls with carlito

yep like a big glass of ice cold milk you know you know when you fart where it sounds like a

a fucking diesel truck horn.

You know that?

That's what I'm going for tonight.

A fucking fog horn.

I love that one.

Convoy.

That's my favorite fart.

That warm fart.

That warm fucking...

That one.

You gotta be careful, man.

Those ones that start feeling good, man.

You gotta start to be concerned

when they start feeling too good, you know?

He doesn't want those ones

that would be here

to like clench your cheeks

and go, oh, shit.

Nah.

You're right.

Yeah, you're right in mid-gear

and all of a sudden

you feel that hydraulic act

So is anybody drinking who's on the line now?

What are we drinking?

I know, DeathFox, you're drinking.

You fuck.

DeathFox is not here anymore.

Oh, well, fuck him, then.

He went to go get a drink.

Enigma, what are you drinking?

He's drinking right now.

He's dreaming about it.

I'm not drinking anything.

DeathFox said he was going to bed.

He said he's going to lay down in bed and listen, which disturbs me.

You're drinking, Ken, or you're not?

You have kids, don't you, Ken?

You can't drink.

I'm fucking drinking.

I drink every show.

What are you talking about?

you have kids don't you have kids ken yeah i have a son they listen to the show you don't

let them listen right fuck no he's only 11 you think i'd let him listen to this exactly

if he's over on thursdays i'm like you need to go in the other room uh because i wonder some of

the shit you do like your porno voice that we've been doing lately the ken conniff pornos now

they've evolved into like this porno fucking music thing playing in the background which is

really funny i was i was listening to that uh a few days ago a replay of that yeah we did that

I was cracking up when you kept hitting the voice.

Who was it, Jen, that was talking to him?

I was sitting there, I was like, oh, yeah.

I mean, you're the queen and shit like that.

That was AMD, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was sitting there, I'm like, tug my balls.

Tug my balls, yeah.

Yeah, I hear you.

Okay, here's New Zealand numbers that I come across from Lonesome Loser.

There's a brothel.

I didn't know New Zealand had a brothel.

Dude, sis, we got to go to the fucking New Zealand and Australia, milkman.

We'll get some brothel action.

We'll get Brenda Dead with us, too.

We'll get some of that Bulgarian ass.

The Dead will get us fucking kicked out.

Hey, baby.

The Dead will get us all fucked up, man.

We'll fuck our shit all up.

We'll get them over there.

I don't know.

Part of the show tonight, you might have to call the Asiatics.

Wish them a happy Negro Friday and see what they do.

Happy Black Friday.

Happy Malcolm X Day.

It's kind of funny.

I actually have some friends that call Martin Luther King Day, James Earl Ray Day for the guy that fucking shot him.

Good evening, this is Sarah speaking.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good, thanks. How are you?

Good. I'm looking for, like, dark-haired girl.

A dark-haired girl?

Yeah.

Have you been on our website at all?

No, no.

Okay, well, we've got photographs of all of our women on our website.

If my wife calls, will you guys tell her I'm there or anything?

What was that, sorry?

If my wife calls, will you tell her I'm there?

No.

What about my mother-in-law?

No, sorry.

Okay, good.

Like, it's completely confidential when I go there.

You're not going to be like, yeah, so-and-so's here.

no questions absolutely not no do i have to show you an identification uh no you don't no that's

good that's good yeah so and then how how much is it to talk to the lady and be with the lady

and see the lady okay so we do one hour appointment minimum and it's uh 350 dollars for the hour and

for the 10 minutes okay have a shower and i can wash my my abs and everything afterwards yes yes

Yes, we have a full en-suite in each of our rooms.

Do I have to wear a t-shirt while I'm there?

No, you don't have to.

Well, I have a thing where I kind of want to keep a t-shirt on.

I don't like to take my t-shirt off.

Well, what you do is entirely up to you.

So I can keep my t-shirt on?

Yes.

What about my socks?

Like, I don't like to take my socks off because I'm afraid of things inside the bed.

And there's trains.

You can do whatever you like.

Whatever you're more comfortable with.

You can do whatever you like.

Are there any trains nearby?

No.

Oh, okay.

Is there a TV there?

No.

No?

No.

Do you have, like, construction paper?

A construction?

Like, construction paper and crayons and stuff?

We can organize that if that's what you wanted.

Yeah, yeah, I like some crayons and construction paper.

Okay, well, maybe you should go to, like, a play school or something.

They'll have that, and you can keep your socks on and t-shirt on and wash your hands.

No, it's not.

No, I'm just being serious.

I just want to make sure, like, can I bring my toys and everything?

Can I bring toys?

Unopened toys.

Bring whatever you like.

Unopened toys.

Unopened, unused.

Still in the package.

If you like.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right.

And can I, like, put the batteries in it and everything and turn it on?

If you like.

All right.

Now, is there a rule where I can't have the toys outside of the package if I come in?

What, sorry?

Is there a rule where I can't have the toys outside of the package when I come in first?

There's no rule.

No.

there's no rule like that no it is not you sound very saucy are you do you just take answer the

phone or are you just staff or what do you yeah no i just answer the phone i run the place i'm

the manager i've been doing this a number of years oh wow you're really cool i really like you i dig

you brilliant that's really cool yeah so hey i'm cross what's your name okay all right if you want

to make a booking then you can have a look online and give us a call back do you have your chairs

What are they like?

Do you have nice chairs?

Are they leather?

Okay, thank you very much.

Are they leather?

Bye.

Fucking fuck you shit.

Fuck you.

Such friendly greetings there.

Tari, you need a chair you can handle.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm going to have to come to the phone right now, or you're called outside of our hours.

Oh, I called outside their hours.

Sure.

Tari, you need someone that can handle three inches of hard dick.

Hard dick.

My name's Da Dead.

I have three inches of hard dick that lasts for hours.

Dude, three hours, six inches.

That's like 18 inches for one hour.

Think about it.

Like he was dry humping for fucking three hours.

Oh, you're so tight.

Yeah, because I still have my jeans on, motherfucker.

He's like one of Death Fox's wiener dogs.

one is latched onto one of her legs oh you're so tight baby it's like hey you want to let me

get my panties off first that's my belly button three hours later oh still going hey let's take

a 15 minute break and have cuddle session it's fucking her belly button hey it's dirty air and

hi yo dog coming in fresh all right good we're calling grease i drank an entire bottle of

martinelli's i'm so drunk oh wait wait a bottle of what martinelli's oh really martinelli's hey

you like that shit you like that shit really like how and what size bottle i don't know

39 11 ounces hey uh hey aaron um are you drinking because of the show are you drinking

because i'm gonna beat your ass in fantasy football dude i don't know i noticed that

your backup quarterback hello can you hear me yeah hello who is this hello yeah this is brent

what are you doing hello hello god damn it hello yeah stupid greek are you there is this a stupid

greek can you perform genuflect for me we need to have brent westwood talk to ernie yeah she's gone

martinelli's man you must be so fucked up on that shit oh my god dude you you uh missed it uh dirty

we fucking say track down fucking ernie oh no way the arm came through got his fucking cell phone

number and his facebook holy shit his facebook his cell phone he got he's upset he said we're

terrorizing is it milkman terrorizing him wow that is amazing terrorist yeah he said you're

terrorists that's terrorism is what he said terrorism yeah and again for the second year

in a row the information was given by a previous employer all fucking willy willy nilly with the

some fucking contact information.

We'll give you his contact number.

Here you go.

Call him.

If he didn't get the proper two weeks notice

and didn't say fuck you,

it never happened.

Well, that's what I was telling Carlito last week.

I was like,

we need to go back to the first place

and try to act like we're getting a job reference

and try to get his fucking contact info.

That's awesome.

All right, I guess...

Yeah, no, I noticed that RG3 got 58 points,

but your backup quarterback got negative three,

so it's close.

No, he didn't.

He got 33.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I just looked at it earlier.

Negative three.

You got 33 points.

Hey, I don't have a backup quarterback, and there's, like, no one available.

Great.

Isn't that super?

Yeah, I know.

Alex Smith got knocked out, and then fucking Harbaugh is not going to start him.

Yeah.

He's going to start that other motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm fucked.

Yeah.

When Roethlisberger comes back, I'll give you Sancho's.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

All right.

All right, anyway, here we go.

I'm doing a call to Suzette here.

She's a Facebooker.

She posted her number for Facebook.

Beef curtain lady.

This shit does not look very well.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is this Suzette?

How are you?

Hey, Suzette.

How are you?

This ain't Suzette.

It's Teresa.

Who's this?

Oh, Teresa.

Suzette told me to give her a call at this number.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

I'm looking for Suzette.

I'm supposed to be having a date with her tonight.

We're going to go to the hotel.

Oh, no.

She said...

You got the wrong number.

No, this is Teresa then.

Her friend Teresa.

She always talks to me about you.

What's her name?

Suzette.

No, you got the wrong number, dude.

No, this is Teresa and Fingers, right?

Hello?

Yeah, hey, is this Big Teresa?

Who is it?

I'm looking to talk to Big Teresa and Big Suzette.

Who is this?

Who are you?

This is Cross, and I'm supposed to talk to Teresa about her big panties.

About what?

Her big panties that she has for me.

She's selling me a pair of her panties that she wore.

You're a fucking retard.

Don't ever call her again.

Hey, asshole, give me my panties, please.

is ask her about the panties.

Ask her about the panty dropper.

She can tell you all about it.

Okay.

Call her again

and we'll have you

charge full of her ass, dude.

Hey, motherfucker,

don't talk to me like that.

Don't fucking call her again, boy.

Hey, if you're reneging on our deal,

I want her big, wet panties.

I want them for...

I think I heard him say,

Will Brent Westwood

please call me back?

I wanted to tell him

I wanted to wear them

on my head and shit,

but he cut me off.

I didn't want to put them

in your tea.

Brent.

Let me tell you something, you son of a bitch.

Hey, hey, hey, you stupid redneck motherfucker.

You call in one more time, I'll call the sheriff.

That's a fucking problem, you fucking pervert.

I am the fucking sheriff, you pervert motherfucker.

Listen, you redneck piece of shit.

You hear me?

This guy is fucking gold, man.

You call her again, you got to keep her.

You got a friendly gentleman there.

Well, you notice how he keeps changing his threat to,

one more time, motherfucker.

Just one more time.

I'm a believer in the persuasive ways of the mad.

Just one more gig, motherfucker.

One more gig, motherfucker.

You goddamn pervert.

Perverted motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, I notice you keep messaging me that Brent.

Brent.

Accents on the...

Because that must have been...

I think you messaged me like last week.

You must have been editing that Saturday Night Show or something.

Yeah, I was, and I kept listening to it.

It's hilarious.

Isn't that the one that told me that she was going to shove the .357 up my pee hole?

She said that to Jin, but yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Jin called her and apologized.

Oh, it's so fake.

Yeah.

Oh, it cracked me up when fucking Carlito started to,

here, talk to so-and-so because I got a lot of shit to do.

I got a lot of shit to do.

There should be fucking Brad on set.

He's just like, who was that?

I got a lot of shit to do.

She's like, okay, Brent, wait a minute.

Who was that?

Who cursed at him?

Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Fuck you.

Hey, Carlito, call that guy back that was all pissed off.

But as soon as you call, play the porno music and let me just start going, oh, fuck, yeah, down the line to him and see what he does.

All right, you want to do that now?

Damn it.

Yeah, to that pissed off guy who called us a pervert.

Okay.

Teresa's man.

Play the porno music down the line and I'll start fucking doing that to him.

All right, I will.

Here it is.

You've reached Teresa with InFinger 1-1.

Oh, she's out.

Either they turn the phone off or they're actually calling the sheriff.

Yeah, the line was shit, too.

Yeah.

Sheriff Bobo.

Any of you know who Hector Macho Camacho is, the boxer?

I mean, I've heard his name before.

Did he die or he got shot in the face?

I didn't know he got shot in the face.

He got shot in the face and they pulled him off life support today.

Did they pull him off?

I heard they were going to try to keep him off for one of his sisters to go see him.

Yeah, his dad said he wanted him off, and they pulled him off.

That's what Fox is reporting.

Well, that sucks, man.

I grew up watching him.

He was the Puerto Rican boxer from the 80s and early 90s,

and he always sucked, but we always used to cheer behind him.

He died in Mexico, didn't he?

I'm not sure.

I know he lived in Orlando for a while.

His son boxed.

I don't know.

I believe it was down in Mexico that he got shot.

He probably had like 10 pounds of coke in his car or one on him.

He had a big drug problem

He used to beat up his wife all the time

Hi, thank you for calling

This is your number one beauty consultant

He's a beauty consultant

Wow, great

We got a number

There's a number in chat I just posted

That guy's irate when you call him

He's irate when you call him?

Yeah, we called him last night and he was really irate with us

Who was he? Just some random guy?

Yeah, some random guy

I don't know his name

We need to call Ernie Beck

until your party answers the phone oh this is who let the dogs out yeah

you might have to call sometimes

your call has been forwarded to it i'll try them again really who's still blasting that

fucking song on their shit he's like i love this song oh my god they call me dog

Milkman's bobbing his head over there.

Milkman's like, oh man, I'm feeling this.

I love that shit.

This is my jam.

Milkman, you there?

Yeah, he fell asleep.

Confirmed.

He called me the other day talking about fireflies.

Long story.

Wow.

Fireflies?

Fireflies.

what do you think carlito time for ernie let brent talk to him about a horse ernie yes it's

call ernie back i got his number right here fucker let's do it hey milkman there you are

milkman said whenever he exhales he sees uh fireflies and he thinks they're funny he tries

to catch him he runs around oh you know what i'll tell you after this call funny i think i saw an

intervention the other day there you go brent all right i'm on this question thank you it's

It's coughing, but yes.

I'll leave him a message.

Ernie.

Sorry.

Ernie.

I'm going back.

I want to talk about your gelding.

It's a castrated male horse of any age.

I'm calling it back because it hung up.

Maybe he'll pick up this time.

You never know.

I actually know a lot about horses.

That's good.

Ernie.

You there?

Connecting.

What are they doing that?

I don't know.

I'll try one more time.

Hang on.

Because I'm busy doing something else.

It didn't even go to voicemail.

I know.

I just kind of sat there and limbo, right?

There we go.

Ernie.

It's Brent.

Brent.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about my pony, my horse.

I got a yearling.

Are you there?

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you know that the gestation lasts approximately 340 days before a horse foals?

And the horse skeleton averages 205 bones.

Okay.

And then a horse does not have a collarbone.

Okay.

What do you think about that?

I don't really care.

Why not?

Why should I care?

Because I love horses.

I love to pet them and touch them and sometimes put my mouth on them.

I only like purebred horses, though.

I don't like to mix race, if you know what I mean.

I guess.

No, you don't know what I mean?

No.

I don't want to mate a black horse with a white horse.

I want to make sure to keep their gene pool pure.

What do you think about that?

I don't really care.

My favorite part of the horse is their tail.

Except for sometimes it can get in the way of certain things.

So you got to wrap it up.

with like a, you gotta wrap it up with

a towel. Make sure you don't get

whipped, you know? Did you know that modern horses

are often used to reenact many

of their historical work

purposes?

Okay, here's the deal. I just like to fuck horses.

Okay, and I wanted to call and tell you about it.

Huh? I especially like the black

ones.

He's gone.

He's gone. I looked over, he was gone.

Oh, man.

He's probably terrified to fucking pick his phone up.

He's terrified of horses.

He looks at his phone and says, like,

unnamed number or unknown number he's just like god damn it do i take the gamble and answer this

fucker or not oh no horse he's gonna have a dream you know the godfather where they put the horse

wakes up with a horse he's gonna have the dream that that's happening to him

that dude freaked out that was an awesome scene the way he freaked out like that he's like

very well i was just watching uh uh i don't know i think like i think audi did a commercial or

something like that with the they put the they put the grill of like an audi like in his bed

or something like that instead of a horse head oh yeah that's cool or is a volkswagen or something

i can't remember oh that's good though i like that you know an audi is better than i forget

get what the fuck he compared it to put together do the research let's just say i played that for

some people that i might know and they really liked it really and they might these people

might know a lot about audis okay all right then we're frowny that's awesome it's kind of funny i

told my brother the other day about the whole thing about you know with ernie and then i was

like uh he fucking the hooters closed we can't fucking find him i just went there and told him

I was like, they fucking tracked him down.

He started busting up laughing.

Yeah, I love it.

I love it, man.

I love being able to talk to that cat.

This makes me so happy.

It was a great Thanksgiving, man.

See, I listened to the prank yesterday.

And as soon as he started talking, I'm like, that's him.

And he tried to play it off like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And then he started naming off his jobs.

He's like, so you know where I've worked the past three years?

This is 100 times better than cracking an answering machine, though, Armando.

yeah yeah cracking a guy down like that yeah terror i think his house of brutus is the one

that gives a gave what the hooters fucking info and his cell phone number this year yeah the one

girl at house of brutus is like oh yeah yeah he doesn't work anymore but here's his new number

like okay cool and then we call house of brutus i mean we called the hooters and at first he wasn't

in yet for the for the day to work because we were calling around like you know 11 a.m uh over

over there it probably works the afternoon shift or whatever the girl was like call and call back

in an hour and a half you should be here really all right and that reaction is you can run but

you can't so really what comes there have you guys called the toys rs yet no the house of brutus is

really the arm when it comes up the house is brutus is the house of brutus is really the arm

it's the arm when it comes to earning oh yeah the information yeah basically they're they're

the weak link in his social protection scheme i know any restaurant i've worked in they're always

like don't give out personal information as far as schedules phone numbers for any employees these

fuckers are just willy-nilly man yeah let me fire off his number for you yeah here you go fucker

anyway anyone watching the video feed on youtube it's about to cut off whilst i uh prepare a new

broadcast so let's take a quick three minute uh break here listen to the vince giraldi trio

Trio playing Christmas balls.

Be right back.

Just another moment.

I'm getting there.

Takes a while to set it all up.

RBCP has tried to enter a Walmart at midnight.

Kenny Loggins CD on layaway.

Oh, man.

We lost him.

Lost our nigger.

Did you see that they're allowing people to come in for Black Friday,

get the POs and go and put them on fucking layaway?

No, really?

They're really pushing that.

I thought they were going to let you pay right now once you get the item.

They're letting them take them back to layaway and put them on layaway.

Yeah, they're really pushing that layaway thing at Walmart and the others.

I think Target is doing layaway for the first time ever.

Kmart brought it back.

Toys R Us is charging an upfront fee on it.

Yeah, Toys R Us is doing it for the first time.

I don't think Target does it.

Kmart was the only of the major ones that had layaway,

and they were the only ones that keep it.

And last year they actually made a killing over Walmart in some demographics

graphics as far as what they track for uh holiday sales and it was partly because they were the only

of the big boxes left that was doing layaway and walmart caught on you know they they just saw the

printout they saw the end of year you know result for the holiday season and they said we're doing

wayway again they brought it back i think they had they had canceled layaway in 2007 i think and

it was gone for four years it was a while back it was probably one of the biggest mistakes they ever

yeah yeah totally and then uh i think sears did it for layaway for the first time last year

and this year they're doing it again uh target is considering it according to this article here

for next year uh toys r us is doing layaway for the first time this year k martin their blue ball

special oh no wait that's the blue light special blue light blue balls too you know if you're

getting your clothes at kmart you got fucking blue balls right there i'll wait for the cyber

monday bullshit they usually have a good lot of shit you don't have to deal with the line

any of that stuff either my wife went out tonight she i gave her fucking 300 bucks she got all the

shopping done nice tonight she went out she did that yeah 300 bucks done how many people did she

pepper spray how many people i don't know i was gonna send her with my fucking 30-06

just turn my old people down i couldn't believe last year that fucking lady uh pepper sprayed

everybody over with xbox 360 yeah that old fucking palette out she wanted one of the first

ones she's fucking she pepper sprayed like 20 people and they never fucking charged her do you

see that shit yeah yeah yeah i remember yeah yeah they yeah and then every once in a while there's

there's people that'll fake like oh i got trampled on when they didn't you think about that so one

of those you know white trash people and shit like that they want to take advantage to game the system

to do a lawsuit they figure out well i'll go to walmart since it's going to be big chaotic

so many people i can act like you know i got trampled when i didn't you know and uh try to

get some kind of lawsuit fucking money going they catch people all the time if we have any uh other

walmart numbers uh we should call and like say someone left a car over in like the kids toy

department with like condoms all this different shit tell me i want to get over here to fucking

take it out of there right well here's real quick here's what i got according to the door again

yeah pumping it and tapping the feet milkman listen uh we already got news man threatened

to stab people in line at kmart tonight interesting uh let's uh i gotta i'm trying

to get some news reports here just to take a look scuffles break out at two indianapolis stores over

early kmart sale police had to be called in a breakup scuffling that erupted at two indianapolis

kmart stores early thanksgiving morning shoppers waited in line overnight at kmarts across the

country to get vouchers for a 32 inch plasma tv for less than 200 dollars 32 inches less than 200

dollars yeah but what's the brand i wonder you know it's a stupid cheap chinese shit anyway so

people were fighting over the fucking tvs wow even better is i know we don't don't try to

pretend to be any type of government agency but we could have called them off so easy if this

shit happened pretend to be some type of detective and stuff and fucking with them that or something

You can say you're a private investigator.

That's fine.

It's okay to say you're a private investigator.

I think that's something we should stick to instead of, you know, saying police.

Yeah, because anybody can be a dick.

Yeah, anybody can be a pet dick.

Private dick.

Yeah, private dick.

A shopper threatened to stab people while in line for Kmart doorbuster deals in South Sacramento.

A line of hundreds had formed somewhere in Sacramento,

and this guy threatened people with a knife over the same deal, apparently.

the two other once people came out to give vouchers for those tvs uh the crowds began

yelling cutting and screaming obscenities that's when one man threatened to stab others

they laughed but he said he wasn't joking the people entered the store without any problems

however i laughed at him he was some kind of nerd some skinny ass nerd

yeah there's like some nerds like horrors like the dead you know like i'll cut you if you get

in front of me like ah you crazy mom i got a dick i was drafted for three fucking hours

yeah or just some skinny nerdy white richie randall looking kid uh fucking in a ghetto

kmart you know so everyone else is black and you know like thugged out the doorbuster deals

aren't even that great.

I saw one that was like,

oh, you can get

a $38 Blu-ray player.

And I'm like,

what do you fucking do?

I got two of them

that I don't use.

And one in my new PC

has got a Blu-ray drive.

Blu-ray burner.

I got a Blu-ray burner, son.

I don't burn shit.

I just put it in there

because I can, motherfucker.

Like a madhouse bunny.

Just burn one picture

to Blu-ray.

Yeah, but fuck it.

Up your ass.

Yo, check out this Blu-ray.

You gotta slide that

to somebody

that don't have a Blu-ray.

No, that's my Blu-ray.

fucking thing i don't think i've used that optical drive once since i built this pc in in july and i

haven't used i haven't put a disc in there for anything not even drivers that's my blu-ray

player i'll fucking cut you yeah i posted in the sky chat that uh three is rs i don't know if they

have any uh the big horse i don't know i'm searching uh they're still about an hour out

from black friday sales aren't they yeah hey milk milkman why don't you get in the in the milk

milk milkmobile and why don't you go down to walmart do you have a walmart close by

why don't you report yeah no they're open right now yeah milk are you sleeping a lot is packed

right now man i can't even get in man i'm like driving around the outside of your

the service road it's still full right now are you at work right now what are you doing

yeah it's packed dude why not get into it man you're gonna have to walk all the way up to there

and it's drizzling i can't go walk all right even better let's get walmart in the parking

let's see if we can get an employee to go outside and yell

for somebody that we need to speak to

about a medical emergency

I want to know what's going on

if anybody wants to volunteer

to go out on the cell phone

in the car now and report

on the west coast, I'm just curious if there's big

crowds and shit, I don't think there are

because those places open at 8 o'clock

I don't know who does midnight sales anymore

I don't think many places do

some of them do, some of them don't

I think they're busting open

It's not him, but I think they changed it this year.

I think it's just getting a little too crazy.

Old Navy.

It's almost 11 right now.

Yeah.

Just call the Richmond one and find out what they got cooking, man,

because it's packed right now.

Are you there now?

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Well, I was.

I had to turn around, man.

I didn't want to get stuck there and sit there and wait.

Are you seriously driving around?

What are you doing?

You're not.

You're at your house, I thought.

He's high as fuck.

No, he's on his phone.

He's probably just sleeping.

No, I went and got some milk, man.

I'm on the way back home now, man.

You went and got some fucking milk?

Milkman, how'd you run out of milk, dude?

Seriously? The milkman ran out of milk.

What the fuck?

I had to go get some milk, yeah, man.

I went out to the barn.

I think it was Dirty posted a couple

Toys R Us in the Skype chat

to get Carlito a call

about the Rocker Rider from last year

where he tried to put the man juice on it.

Well, it's on sale again right now.

It's on sale right now, fucker.

I mean, it's 1999 this year.

He's like, you know, I touched the horse.

I want to know, take the horse outside.

I want to take the horse out and bring it back in 30 minutes.

Like, why?

Oh, no, no.

They got the chart.

You know, they have those.

I'm looking at the Toys R Us website right now, and they have, like, those bouncy balls that you grab onto the handle and jump up and down.

But it has a horse on it.

Last year cracked me the fuck up.

he was sitting there he's like i want to touch the horse she's like you want to punch the horse

he's like no i want to touch and then at the end she was just like you're disgusting

i told her there were going to be stains on the fucking they look like glue on the horse

and she's like like what do you mean like glue like you know like what are they going to be like

well let's say man juice isn't that what i said man juice man juice she's like click yeah evil

Evil Artie was calling.

He did want to be here.

So, everyone, hold your ears.

We're having a great show tonight, I think.

I'm having a good time.

How's the chat room taking things?

Artie's pretty good when he holds that phone at a fucking 45-degree angle.

He's not too loud then.

That's right.

You got to get him a test.

A test.

He's like sitting on it with his ass, man, instead of having it injected into his ass.

That was his thing about a year ago.

He's like, I found if I hold my phone at a 45-degree angle.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Great then, yeah.

It's like, okay, then do that, whatever.

Whatever it takes, asshole, do it.

Don't destroy my ear.

Unless he has the fans running in the air.

Hey, guys!

Hey, Artie.

What the hell is up?

What's up, Artie?

45 degrees, motherfucker, 45.

The phone, the phone.

Tilt the phone.

Not a good sign.

Milkman's already grumbling right now.

I'm a goddamn phone.

I'm a goddamn fucking wall.

Artie, lean with it.

all right arty we're doing prank calls what else can i say you guys i'm doing bong hits all right

arty yeah do it do drugs we talked to ernie earlier and he told us to pass on a message

to you to uh fuck off smoke weed every day arty we're talking about horses and walmart and

and stuff that's great night tonight you're missing it have you been listening

Yeah well I'm busy

Got a whole list of things we're doing

And special guests

It's a big night

I remember last year

When I was trying to fuck with people at Toys R Us 2

Trying to get them to give me a Wii game

Like My Little Pony or something

I told them I was going to have assless chats

And playing with it

But the dumb bitch kept going

What are you looking for

And we ended up waiting on hold for like a half hour

And it never fucking ate him

Yeah, I think Jack Masterson is going to use that bouncy ball.

I need more information on that bouncy ball.

I got it in the Skype chat.

I got the click on the link there, and then I have three Toys R Us.

I was hoping Jack could do a call tonight, man.

Yeah, Milkman's going to do a call, guys.

Yeah.

Jack's three of those bouncy balls in order to support me.

I got a Facebook message from him, man, so I figured, man, I was like, that'd be pretty cool.

What the fuck are you talking about, Milkman?

Milkman, are you all right?

You high motherfucker.

80s driver.

Hey, you talking about Jack Masterson, motherfucker?

Man, pay attention.

Oh, yeah.

Now I got it.

Thank you for doing this.

All right.

But in Spanish,

open your mouth.

We ain't fucking around, damn it.

You're playing games.

I'm playing no games.

Get it right, milkman.

Stop playing games.

I learned Toys R Us always hit two.

Pink Smurf, or Smurf it.

Don't yawn, you cocksucker.

Did you call me back in like 10 minutes?

Okay, bye.

Bye.

I'll tag you then, bitch.

You're burnt.

Don't go brushing your teeth, man.

Thank God.

Art is going through a breakup, guys.

He's, you know, he's sensitive.

That's why he hasn't talked to us because he's been getting pussy.

He's been getting some.

Yeah, they always come back, man.

All these nerds always come back.

All these prank call listeners are losers.

Was who the girl he talked about last week?

He ended up helping her move after two days?

Horseradish sauce.

No, he met these meth heads through the Dunkin' Donuts he goes to late at night for his fucking fixes when he gets the munchies.

and yeah

he met these methods that work there

or whatever and ended up like

they said give me a ride here and he took them there

to like one of these ghettos in this town

that me and him grew up in

and they came back with all this shit all

packed up and stuff and he didn't even know

they were going to be using him to move

and I was like dude they probably had shit

they probably had like fucking you know

fucking meth and paraphernalia

or something on them

you know he's driving around

yeah

a fucking crime yeah he's sitting there oh yeah i'm the fucking mule fucking i told him what you

think think about that already come on man as i try to help him out man i know you had days of

course i'll help you move some shit no not a few days fucker no it wasn't even that that's why he

didn't i don't know if he explained it i he kind of did but here he went to dunkin donuts a few

times thought the girl that was there was kind of you know he could he could make a move on the

a girl that worked the drive-thru asked for her number she gave him her number her cell phone

when he called it a few days later her boyfriend picks up and invites him to come over to smoke

weed with him and asks him all these weird questions like yeah you're banging my wife

aren't you banging my girl and i was like no man like she just said i didn't know you were married

but so how awkward is it that art is like yeah sure i'll come over and smoke weed with you mr

Mr. Stranger.

Mr. Stranger?

You know?

Like, I'm like, dude, he doesn't.

He's looking for an ass raping.

He's, I was.

Mr. Stranger is soon to be my best friend.

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm going to, we're going to talk to him about this when we call him back.

That's fucking stupid.

You don't do that shit.

And you're fucking driving him around and stuff.

He's like, yeah.

I was like, wasn't it awkward?

He's like, no, we just sat there and smoked pot and watched fucking Judge Judy.

I'm like, wow.

Okay.

Judge fucking Judy.

That's what he said.

I was watching Judge Judy.

fucking the other guy the angry black dude he doesn't play you know the guy that used to be

on the streets but now he's uh fucking clean and he's a judge what's that guy's name fucking judge

mathis yeah judge mathis yeah he's a dick he's an asshole he's an asshole i don't like him i tell

him to shut up i tell him to shut the gavel up his ass you know what i was i was gonna tell you

about this shit i saw an intervention the other day it has to do with bath salts carlito okay what

it's this fucking guy he was sitting there every day non-stop for i mean like anywhere from two to

three days at a time he sits there and fucking snorts bath salts and showing this fucking he

was wandering around his house he was sitting there telling us about these fucking like invisible

aliens that are like in his house and they're like piling in the tree yeah they're piling dead

bodies in his house and he has his flashlight with like a fucking red light on it and he has

some type of spray he's like see this is a reflector and i sprayed this and they die and

and they go away.

And I was like,

wow.

Shit,

bath salts are a bad motherfucker.

Don't fuck your shit up.

He was climbing up

on the roof of his house

and shit,

and he's like,

I just stepped on one.

And his fucking mom was like,

what are you talking about?

And he's like,

there's dead bodies behind me.

And I was like,

Jesus Christ.

Yeah,

he's fucked up,

man,

that sucks.

That shit's crazy,

that fucking bath salt thing.

He was climbing trees?

Yeah,

he was climbing trees

at night out in the park

and shit.

He was trying to escape

the fucking little alien people and shit.

He's like, I'm going to hide up here.

All right.

We got numbers to get to, guys.

We got a lot of requests still here.

So if you guys want to prank call anything while we're at it.

Put it on fire, yeah.

Yeah.

Let's stick to some stores here for a little bit.

I'm filling the stores in.

We got some numbers in Turkey and Greece and shit we can get to.

That'll be exciting when we get to them.

Yeah, I got three Toys R Us in the Oregon area,

and then the link to that bouncy horse thing in Skype chat.

All right, got it.

I'm calling one of these.

Do you want to do one of these?

Can anybody call it?

Let me know.

You lead off and then we'll follow.

All right, bouncy horse.

Problem with the call.

I'm going to have to restart Skype again.

Thank you for calling.

Joe, how may I help you?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling because I want to make sure you have the charm.

Hello?

How can I help you?

Hey, can you hear me?

I hear you.

The sky is fucking...

let me restart skype again guys okay we will reconvene just a moment all right skype has a

memory leak problem you know so after a while of running it just starts degrading it's a well-known

thing i think tabachi was talking to me once about how we were discussing it uh how skype has so many

issues and it's so this is very leaky as far as memory wise i think which version i think it's the

the apple version of it the mac version of it you can't run video for longer than 45 minutes or it'll

literally like it becomes really unstable you get that beach ball thing and i think it's it's like

been a problem for a while and there's been no fix yet for it anyway we're gonna get the guys back

here just a moment keep listening more pranks happy thanksgiving by the way updating skype now

Now I'm being forced to update Skype.

Yay.

It'll just be a while, man.

Hang in there, guys.

Yo.

Yep.

I had a Skype update forced on me.

Hey, Microsoft's really doing some changes to Skype.

The Android version updated yesterday.

I don't know if you tried out.

Did you update your Android Skype yet?

I don't know if you had any improvement with the issue you had with that ringing bug.

I don't know if they addressed it.

I haven't called.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got you.

It looks like they made some, it actually looks hard to explain.

There's some little nuances that are a little different in Skype here that I'm looking at.

It looks pretty good.

It is some good things with the colors.

Have you checked out that Surface, man?

They've got the three phases of that thing, the Surface.

Yeah, I know the Surface.

I've seen it.

I know it comes with free Microsoft Office on it.

Yeah, it's got like three implementations of it, like a 64 or 32.

and some other downgraded version.

Yeah, no, I don't know.

I know there's an RT version.

Is that what you're talking about?

There's three different versions of it.

Something like that.

Yeah, the RT one, has it come out yet?

I knew that it was going to come out later.

I think it's coming out this month or next month.

What were you saying?

Hang on.

The one looks like a tablet,

and it's got like a little plastic-looking,

I don't know, kind of like a skin or something.

It's got a keyboard.

Yeah.

I think they all come with that.

You can either get the keyboard or just the cloth plastic,

the cloth cover.

Yeah, that's an option, that's an option, because they've got that clicky keyboard, the really strong magnet one, yeah.

So they're like kind of like a hybrid then between, you know, the good points of a computer and then, like, the fun and convenient to touch.

Yeah, yeah, it comes with, it's really nifty with the keyboard option there, even though, like, my iPad has a keyboard option, but it's kind of clunky.

I've got that for my iPad for when I go to work or travel or am I here.

Anyway, but, yeah, the Surface, I don't know.

I'd like to get my hands on one and test it out before.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I was in there, so I was like, you know, what's going on with the hardware, man?

It's Windows 8.

It's a Windows 8 tablet.

But the Windows 8...

They're doing, like, i7, i5, that kind of architecture.

What kind of shit is working with it?

Oh, man, I couldn't...

I know that the RT...

It doesn't affect any kind of optical drive.

All right, listen, there's no optical drive on it, first of all.

The RT version is for ARM processors.

I know that.

The other one, I can't remember offhand.

I think it's an i5, dude.

I don't know.

I think it's an i9.

Is it an i9?

No.

Is it?

Maybe it's an i11.

Oh, whatever.

That's just a thing.

Maybe it's a double i07, though.

I think that's what they're talking about, the double i07.

It'll be like the super hot rod version.

Yeah, I think it runs 28 horsepower.

power how many spaces does that that's the that's the major question though 31 megahertz spaces 31

mhs only what 25 people yeah it's it's got it's 10 mics 10 mics how many gibs does it have

only 11 11 gibs that's not a lot of gibs i'm waiting for the 21 gib to come out yeah man

that's yeah 11 gibs that's not much you can fill that up my friend he filled up 11 gives with just

just with his Tupac compilation that he downloaded on Torrance.

Yeah, he went to Torrance, torrance.com, something like that.

Torrance.com, yeah.

Something like that.

www.torrance.com.

And you've got to download RAM, too.

He showed me a site where you can download RAM for free.

Fucking A.

Upgrade your RAM, and it makes everything faster.

It installs these things to clean your computer.

All you have to do is download new RAM, man.

Major improvement.

You're downloading RAM, you're in time, man.

Yeah, you might have spent some time downloading the RAM,

but it's worth it it's it pays for itself in time like you know within five minutes of installing

the exe i got i actually got i got my ran from duran duran wow duran duran ran makes some good

ram yeah totally yeah that's that used to be a korean company and then they got bought out

that's really well you know they did they were like from bus architecture all right shut up

enough i don't want to bullshit anymore it's a lot of pressure sometimes all right man enough

Now, fuck you, then.

I don't want to say what the fucking processor is on this shit.

Operating system, Windows RT and Windows 8 Pro.

Power system on a chip.

CPU, quad-core ARM Cortex.

It's an i5, milkman.

It's a dual-core Intel Core i5.

32 gigs.

32 gigs storage capacity or 16 gigs or 64 gigs.

Dude, I was just listening to the podcast.

Dude, that's the SDS drive, right?

Solid-state drive.

Did we have this conversation a month ago?

Probably did.

You and Oakman were going over the last computer you built,

and he was like, what's the cache?

What's the cache?

He was like, does it have hyper-threading?

Yeah, it's going on and on.

Yeah, hyper-threading.

Hyper-threading.

Oakman, hyper-threading is, yeah.

And I have an i7 that has hyper-threading.

It's the K version.

Okay, let's do pranks, because Dirty Aaron's like,

how'd you pick up?

Like, no, no.

Best Buy is open, but when you call,

you get a message saying to call back at 4 a.m.

to speak to an employee.

what a bunch of shit man seriously dodging us they knew they that's a madhouse uh fucking

response response to madhouse toys r us and and uh where is this seattle washington where is it

uh they're oregon okay fine fine let's do it and i gotta find the chat they got a horse ball

fucking horse ball nice horse balls toys man i got a giant ball right next to the ball

oh hi yes um i have a problem i one of your objects that i brought there um i was wondering

if you still have any because it it it broke on me what's that it broke the i got the horse

the end of the giant horse wall okay um you're gonna we're actually tonight we're not doing

getting any returns or anything like that that you're gonna have to come back in tomorrow and

oh well i don't know what are my chances of being able to get it back i sat on the wall and it broke

what did you lose uh well i fell i sat down on the horse wall i brought this big wall that is

has a horse on it and you sit on the wall and you bounce up and down i think you might have

the wrong number this is towards the rust oh yeah the lloyd center though what the lloyd center

out twice a rest. Yeah, that's the ones. We don't have a big horse on the wall. Not on

the wall, it's a wall. I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time hearing you. A big wall. Ball,

ball. Ball? Yeah, you sit on the wall. I'm sorry, I'm having, um, turkey. I'm sorry.

Listen, the ball, I sat on the ball and it broke and it, like, fell, I fell down and

I landed on my back, my legs in the air. And it didn't say anywhere that this thing

thing had a weight limit on it it's just a ball okay um i'm seeing that i'm not really i'm not

really sure what your it's the charm is the hopper ball pd pony charm company hopper ball um that's

something you have to take up with the district manager i would not know well why how why did it

break on me like that it like it was inflated and it broke um well we don't even have a big

ball that you sit on here so i'm really not sure what you're talking about it's called the charm

Farm Company hopper wall.

We don't have that.

But I bought it there.

I bought it.

And the box, if you bought it here and if you sat on it and broke it, it will have a weight limit on the box.

No, it doesn't.

It's just a horse.

Okay.

Well, this is something that I'm going to have to deal with as a parent.

I mean, I'm not, I don't have any answers for you.

Oh, God.

Why?

Well, so if we're getting ready for Black Friday, I don't have the answers for you.

If that's, I would call the district offices for Toys R Us.

I don't care that it's Black Friday.

i don't care that the black people are coming in and that is martin luther king day okay but i can't

do anything for you sir so i'm gonna have to let you go i order you to do something for me

i hate jack masterson has a weight limit on the box

another wall

alright no answer there I don't know why I let it ring for so long

sorry I wasn't paying attention

for a second catching up on conversations

hey here's another Toys R Us

fucker oh good

anybody on the line wants to call Toys R Us

now's the time I'll give it a try

okay how's my microphone I've been

fucking around with the settings but I don't know if it's coming in

hot or what sounds alright you sound more

yeah you sound alright thank you for calling

Toys R Us we are now open

and your call is important to us.

Please hold.

Oh, here we are waiting.

I thought it maybe crashed.

Yeah, it's still there.

No hold music, though.

Or if there is hold music, it's very loud.

You can't hear it.

I can't hear anything.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, just in case, we're not sitting here waiting.

Who's that, Nintendo Skater?

Yeah.

Yo, what's up?

Oh, what's up with you, man?

Trying to figure out my volume control.

It sounds like you're whispering or something.

You're always having problems with the computer, you know?

If it was Nintendo, it wouldn't be a problem.

Thank you for calling Toys R Us.

We are now open.

And for your convenience, we are open all night tonight.

Your answer is important to us.

Please hold.

Are there people at 4 o'clock in the morning that are still doing this shit?

I don't know.

You think they'll be in Russia first and they'll all leave?

At least we know we're on hold here.

Hey, what the hell song is this?

It sounds like it's Barney.

It sounds like Barney the Dinosaur is singing this.

Let's call England while we wait.

Hello?

Hello, love.

How are you?

you is that is that peter no listen it's actually early in the morning yeah but peter's there right

got the right number huh hello hello sweetie sweetie yeah listen sweetie i'm sorry don't get

upset please hello yeah but it's only seven o'clock in the morning here and the phone went

off and i gotta go as well well what time do you usually wake up won't be a good time to talk

how long do you need like you just tell me maybe nine o'clock nine o'clock i'm just trying to talk

Doctor, romance her a little bit.

I mean, it's 7 o'clock in the morning.

What the fuck else does she want?

We usually call about 4 or 5.

Yeah, no shit.

Hey, didn't you forget to call back Artie?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Good call, man.

Are we still connected to those guys?

Yeah, yeah, we're still waiting.

I'm just going to chill.

Let's ask Artie if he's able to throw down a three-hour marathon like the dead or not.

Yeah, right.

Him?

Are you accusing Artie of being a two-pump chump?

Nothing wrong with that.

I like how the dead describes reverse cowgirl

how much she likes it

when she faces the door

like oh yeah

oh man dead

were you here for that

you don't know what we're talking about

do you know what we're talking about at all dirty

do you know that

the dead was on for a while

and he's drunk

and apparently he lost his virginity

to a what was it a 29 year old Costa Rican

nurse

a nurse that worked in his grandma's

his fucking nursing home.

No, I was cooking him

and I did the dishes and I had to beat the kids

and now I'm here.

He said he had six inches of hard cock he was working with.

He said he lasted

three hours

with the occasional 10 to 15 minute break.

Thank you for calling

To Cuddle and have a conversation.

We are now open.

And for your convenience, we are open all night tonight.

For exciting employment opportunities

with Toys R Us, visit our

Our website at www.ruscareers.com.

For your location, press 1 now.

To speak with a guest service, your call is important to us.

Please hold.

Get that motherfucker.

Yeah, she was also on her period.

And he did not use a condom.

He was bareback.

He's pretty sure he fucking got her pregnant, too.

It's quite interesting, this story.

Oh, you missed all those.

Yeah, you've got to listen to those, because the dead's in the background just ranting and raving,

and I'm calling people and saying, yeah, my client's upset.

Yeah, he went up to people for a good two hours.

Then he started doing the horny sounds for a little while, and then after that he just went crazy.

We had to let him go, yeah.

I don't know about the horny sounds.

That's my fucking gig.

What's he trying to pull here?

Yeah, he has a girl version of it.

It's kind of weird.

We're still on hold.

We'll do another call here.

here we're going pb for a few minutes that one character with the high voice and then after that

it was just he went weird i probably got too drunk here's anybody want to talk to a kfc in australia

absolutely all right good gobble your bones what if they got the colonel good afternoon

mitchum yeah how you going i'm good thanks who's this hey this is brent uh who is this

brent brent yep right do you hear me yep what would you like i'm looking for some finger

You're licking chicken.

What's your name?

If you would like to place an order, you have to come into the store.

Why?

I can't give you the order now?

No, we don't place orders over the phone.

You have to come into the store.

Well, why do you have a telephone machine then?

Sorry?

Do you just have a telephone machine for when your employees are late?

Or is this the phone where you call the colonel?

Look, I'm going to hang up on you, okay?

Why?

I want a chicken.

Well, then come into the store.

No, listen.

I'm too busy to be dealing with prank calls at the moment, so I'm going to hang up on you.

I'm not a prank caller.

I'm hungry, bitch.

Man, you're just hungry, man.

Why can't she help you out?

What a fucking bitch, man.

All right.

Let me talk to her.

I'll straight her out.

Why the fuck didn't we get up to that firm?

Let me talk to that cunt.

Busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

Hiding from their problems.

As for Colonel Chicken, I need to speak to Mr. Colonel.

I can hang up on that goddamn...

It's like playing country music and shit.

Now's when we need to do it.

Just like fucking Ernie.

Hiding from his problems.

Changing jobs every goddamn day.

Changing jobs.

Can't hide man I know what you did

I know what you did

You know how creepy that would be if you called him

And just whispered into his phone as he answered

You can run but you can't hide

You can not hide

From the horse man

Play the recordings

Of Nobles on there

I don't have them man

You know where they were

They were on Google voice

Before Google voice was Google voice

They were on

Before Google but

But what company was that?

Shit, I forgot the name of them.

Grand Central.

Grand Central, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I used to use.

Is that before Gort came out?

What are you kidding?

Gort?

There was no Gort back then.

Grand Central, MSN Messenger, man.

That's how we did it.

My space.

Is this Australia again?

I don't know.

Who am I calling?

Oh, no, this is someone who's got my tickets.

I got tickets.

They got tickets.

Let's see the answer.

Hey, it's Kerry here.

Leave a message.

Leave your...

way to fucking think out your message

this is Gary

if you could leave a message

if you got my fucking phone number

call me up

my number

call me back and let me know what it is

what is

my number

that guy is like hey I'm calling you for your number

Milkman said to call you for your number.

Here it is.

Thank you.

Hey, it's Kerry here.

Leave a message.

Leave your phone number.

Let's all imitate him on the message, all right?

Okay, bye.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

This is us.

This is Kerry.

This is Brent.

And I go, ah, my back.

I forgot who that was calling.

Seriously, Kerry.

Carrie, we heard that you lost someone in your family

and that you had tickets for the Purdue game.

That's pretty cool.

Your friend died.

Let us know, all right?

Give us a call, and let me know if we can get those tickets.

To reset your message, press 1.

This is 2.

To delete and re-record your message, press 3.

For delivery options, press 4.

I want to hear it.

Replay it.

To send this message now, press pound 4.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, this is...

Jerry?

Uh, Jerry?

This is Brandon.

I forgot who that was calling.

Jerry, you heard that you lost someone in your family

and that you had tickets for the Purdue game.

That's pretty cool your friend died, though.

That's pretty cool your friend died.

To replay your message, your message has been sent.

That's pretty cool your friend died.

What an asshole.

Yeah.

All right, anyway.

Anyway, what's going on?

Jose is trying to call in.

Jose, I don't know.

It would have been even better if he answered, and you're like, yeah, it's cool.

Your friend died, and then try to Jew him down on the fucking price of the tickets.

But I know you can't use them, so, I mean, I'd give you about $20.

Yeah.

I think he's giving them away.

Is he giving them away?

Hey, what's up, Cardio?

Hey, Jose.

How are you, Jose?

Yeah, don't breathe in your fucking microphone this time, Jose.

That wasn't him.

That was someone else.

anyway happy thanksgiving says this person named uh mal mal m-a-l i'm selling my iphone 4 it has

original box charger headphones and car charger asking 200 wow man that's bullshit iphone 4 tell

me you're giving the 200 if he fucking blows you i wonder how much does gazelle have an iphone 4

4 right now.

Creating a game selling my iPhone on eBay.

iPhone 5.

Sell it on Gazelle.

You'll probably get more money, man.

I heard Brad.

I'm thinking about gazelling my iPad.

Nintendo Skater requested a callback.

Nintendo Skater's shit has Echo.

God damn it.

He's an Echo fucker.

He's Echo shit.

He's a learn.

He said he fixed the problem.

Yeah, sure.

He can't hear us.

I can't hear you.

Hello.

You've reached the voicemail of Mel Bailiff.

Sorry I can't personally take your call.

Bye-bye.

Must mean I'm pretty busy right now.

Oh, let me talk to this guy.

I'm leaving him a message.

All right.

You're home, bro.

Remember a lot more, Melvin.

Oh, seriously, tell us.

your message when you finish recording you may hang up or press one for more options listen here

melvin i don't give a how fucking busy you are you cocksuck if i call you answer the goddamn phone

i don't care if you're sitting back there with your fucking boyfriend talking your dick between

your legs trying to pin your woman you answer that goddamn phone brent you got anything for him

i don't like people who don't answer their phones but i love horses i like their tails i like their

their tongues, and I especially like

the man pieces of the

horses. Milkman's method should

be longer.

Shut up, Milkman. Shut up. Stop it.

Milkman went to get milk.

Milkman went to get milk, and he's still stuck in line.

The Milkman's fucking your mom

right now.

Milkman, where are you? Tell us. Tell us where you are right now.

Where are you? Yeah, I'm driving around the mall right now,

dude. We should call this

asshole back a few more times to try to fucking

fill his voicemail box up for him.

Yeah, we should. Just keep calling.

It's just full of people's voicemail boxes.

All right.

All right, fine.

We'll call them back.

Well, you know, I like Carrie.

I personally like Carrie.

Carrie's cool.

Carrie's like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I think you're calling me.

It means I'm not here, probably.

No, Nintendo Skate is still sitting there.

I swear, I got my headset on now.

I didn't before.

I wasn't expecting a call.

I don't know.

I lost my virginity two weeks ago

just like the dead did.

What?

I only performed for about 35 seconds.

What the fuck?

He's a weird fuck, Nintendo Skater is.

Nintendo Skater, you're kind of weird, man.

It's not like Jose was leaving you fucking messages.

Oh, yeah, Carlito, you got your shirt off.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Now we can't hear you, Nintendo Skater.

We can't hear you now, man.

That's a hell of a headset, you motherfucker.

Yeah, you suck.

I put my neck out on the line for you

and you pulled this shit.

Cut him off.

Where'd you get your headset from?

He got his headset from a box of Fruity Pebbles.

Came from the box.

Are you calling from Guam or something?

I don't know what the fuck he's doing.

I think that's a fucking plan.

I think Ernie fucking planned it.

No, he's talking in the top of his iPad, man.

He's got his finger in the hole.

Yeah.

He did that.

Kept doing that.

That's the dead.

He put his fucking balls right on top of the thing.

Here's a different KFC.

Let's see if they pick up.

In Australia.

finger dicking take your six incher out of the hole there's a video out there of this muslim

kid who gets upset shut up hello hey is this kfc oh good and do you guys have any pork

and have any pork anything with bacon no bacon do you have anything with bacon and pork anything

A bacon? I don't think so, no.

Bacon? God, man, bacon. You know ham? Hello?

I'm not sure what I can help you with, Yuri. If we have any of bacon, did you say?

Bacon, not vegan, bacon.

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

You know what, a pig? You know you take a pig? Stop.

No, no, but you are welcome to come over and we can serve something out. If you can eat meat, then we have it.

Where are you from? Are you Jewish? What are you?

No, I'm not, no.

What are you?

This has nothing to do with your question.

Well, I want to know if it's clean food, because Jewish people have clean food.

They're kosher.

Ah, all right, all right.

Now I understand.

No, we don't have any of the, we don't have kosher things, we don't have halal things.

We don't have any of these things.

Oh, is that because you're going to hell?

Because

Because what?

You're going to go to hell?

No, we don't do these things.

We do just normal food.

So you don't eat...

Without any excess.

So you're going to hell because you're feeding people bad food to make them go to hell.

You're like the devil food, right?

No.

Yes, you do.

No.

If I eat your food, it's not halal, and I'm going to go to hell, right?

Okay.

Wow.

Look, I'm not sure what it is all about.

Here, listen, here's what I want to do.

I'm going to bring in chicken.

I'm going to take the chicken in back of the Kentucky Fried Chicken, the KFC.

I'm going to take them back there, and I'm going to kill the chicken facing Mecca.

It's going to be facing west, okay?

We can't do that.

And then I'm going to clean the chicken, and then I give it to you,

and then I want you to fry the chicken.

No, we won't.

We won't do that.

Why not?

I'll bring the chicken.

We're not doing this.

Come on, please.

Come on, I'll suck your dick.

Okay?

See?

Okay, yeah.

Is it okay?

You know when he's sitting there, if you eat meat, you can come in?

He should have been like, well, do you eat meat?

That's what he said.

Yes, he should have been like, I got a six-inch salami for you, motherfucker.

Is this the same KFC?

No, this is Milkman.

This is the same Milkman.

Oh.

I see now he's calling me as stupid stupid hey I'm calling you back already I'm calling you back

call call waiting milkman god man hello fuck you I hate this fucking voicemail thing yeah that's

really I hate people hello hey how's it going he's like I can't come to my phone

motherfucker I'm so cool

you notice how when you call him now he doesn't say enjoy the music while we

We contact this person.

Yeah, now it's just Milkman.

It doesn't even say, please hold until we reach your party.

It doesn't say that anymore now.

Why?

Our party is...

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

You know the music?

Why haven't you fixed that yet, man?

All right.

Don't moan into the phone.

Don't moan into the phone on me.

That's fantastic.

You know I'm pissed off.

I like to hear that same song over and over again every night.

What is it?

Little Wing?

Little Wing.

Isn't that the one?

That's a good song, man.

Hendrix, Little Wing.

Let's play that shit.

You like Little Wing?

Yeah.

Artie's unanswering as fuck.

You have reached...

He said call him back in ten minutes.

He's probably calling that girl again.

Probably in fucking jail right now.

He's sobbing.

Hey, Booka.

Well, who is this?

Bazooka Man.

What the fuck is this?

Hey, it's Baz.

Baz, man.

What's up, man?

Hey, we found Ernie.

Did you hear?

You said you were going to be late.

Yeah, you know, I popped in for a few minutes a couple hours ago in between holiday guests

and got the lowdown from the guys in the chat room.

Yes

Yes sir

Awesome

Yeah which I can't wait

To hear that on the podcast

Yeah we were horsing around

With Porter

Awesome

The best part

Was when he was sitting there

Trying to play fucking dumb

About the whole thing

And no that's not me

That's not me

And you could tell by his voice

Oh that was fucking

That was Sam

Of course

The second he talked

For like more than

More than like three words

You knew it was fucking him

It's like obviously

He's a weird guy man

He's a weird guy

You call him like once a year

And he gets all up

and uh dizzy about that yeah he's still working on a picture terror yeah we're terrorizing him

terrorism this is terrorism i'm gonna have you reported touchstone terrors yeah that's it that's

what i like everybody's sitting there we're gonna put a trace on the song we need to feed them the

line i got a trace buster just to fuck with them my god it's not gonna work i got a trace buster

man baz are you the one that made the horse logo for this uh the last year's show or was that

someone else that was clay i think right i think that was clay probably clay yeah that was clay

hey what do you what do you say there guy how are you i'm sorry you're cutting in and out i'm having

trouble hearing you yeah i wanted to see if you have halal meat there is it the food safety is it

clean or we're gonna you know is it that kind of food that's not clean by a rabbi is this a prank

no i want to know if you have like halal food or if it's kosher or not i need to have it's

It's important for you to know.

The only thing that isn't kosher is anything with bacon in it.

And what do you have with bacon there?

The Double Down Sandwich?

Just the bacon and cheeseburgers.

The bacon cheese?

And the barbecue rollers.

You've got bacon cheeseburgers?

The bacon and cheeseburgers and the barbecue rollers and the bacon and cheeseburgers.

Oh, wow.

You should be fine.

But we do have a nutritional information board in store.

So if you just wanted to come in and double check that to make sure.

Yeah.

Because I wouldn't want to give you this information and find out that I was wrong.

No, back home, I'm from New York, okay?

And, like, for my KFC, I can bring in my halal meat,

and they'll make it for me there with the KFC spices and extra special care

and all the recipes that you have there and the special fryer.

I'm sorry, but we can't actually do that, unfortunately.

It's so good.

So can you give me the special stuff that you put on it then?

No, we can't do that, sorry.

How does chicken come?

How does it come?

Does it already have the breading?

Our chicken?

No, no.

Our chicken comes from our supplier, and we bread it up in store.

Oh, so you've got the good breading.

That's what I need.

Because you're trying to use a different...

Pardon?

I want the breading is what I need.

The breading?

Yeah.

Well, because you're trying to bring in a different meat, I'm sorry.

I can't do that because we have to pair special flour and then throw it out.

No, I just want the stuff that you use now for the breading.

Can I get some of it?

Can I buy that?

Breading, no.

Sorry, we don't sell that.

Well, how much do you have, like, around, you know, you get a little container of it

on the side maybe you can give me?

Just a little bit of it.

Just like a little cup of it.

That's all I want.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm not allowed to do that.

Come on.

Just very, like, a tablespoon-sized amount.

You can ask as much as you want.

The answer is still no, I can't give you our breading.

Oh, you're not allowed to, like, contract or something?

Well, yes.

Yes, also the safety of all of my other customers as well as the secret herbs and spices.

Yeah, but listen, here's what I do.

All right, what I do is I go around and I work for a company and we put it in a big computer machine

and it analyzes it with radiation and it analyzes it with lasers and we can determine what's in the recipe.

All right.

And that right there is why I'm not going to be giving it to you.

Yeah, but if you can just...

Just a small amount is all we need.

It's not going to happen, Max.

We've been trying with the chicken, and after you process it, the computer can't...

Look, I mean, I'm trying it right now, and it doesn't work.

The computer doesn't...

It won't register everything because you've introduced the combustion to it.

We're not getting anything, all right?

This is the key.

This is a prank. You're wasting my time.

No, how much money?

How much money?

Well, I mean, I have United States dollars.

You're not getting anything, mate.

$50,000 United States dollars.

Which means about bug rule here at the moment.

So, look, mate, I don't want money.

I'm not going to give you the recipe.

I'm not going to give you any breading.

I'm not going to give you anything.

So do you have a breading station there?

Look, mate, I'm not going to tell you anything.

So you throw away some of the breading at the end of the night, right?

Look, you're cutting out now.

I can't actually hear what you're saying.

no i'm just saying if you throw away the burning at the end of the night i should be able to go

into your garbage after after hours um our garbage is locked away yeah but i can we are i can get

into that yeah i can get into that do you even know where we are yeah yeah i don't know what's

the address of the store you're in australia what's the address of the store uh australia

is a big place mate there's lots of characters yeah but there's like two or three there it's on

on uh hanley beach road 251 in australia yeah this like well it's like four or five kfc the

wrong store then we're not on hanley beach road okay well then let's make a deal then come on

there's only like four or five of them in australia so um this is the stupidest prank

i've ever heard i don't i'm going to hang up listen i because you're not getting anything

from me i have a can of hollowed out shape it's a shaving gel cream can and it's hollowed out and

that's got a little space and it's refrigerated

to hold the chicken sample

and then to hold some of the breading.

I'm sorry, but you just told me that your chicken

sample fucked up your computer and doesn't

work. No. Why would I give you that?

The chicken sample, what I need is the raw

chicken before you bread it just so we can find out

what kind of chicken it is.

What strain.

So you want the chicken before

we bread it. And then some of the breading.

I need a small

amount. I need like a

tablespoon worth. You're not getting anything from

me, mate. Now you're distracting me

from... No one's going to know.

Listen, they can't even...

I'm going to end this conversation

right here. You're not getting anything

from me. They could even check it in customs.

The shaving cream works. It comes out of

the can and everything. You're not getting...

Oh, fuck it.

That's the way to end the conversation.

He's like, I'm going to hang

up. I'm going to hang up.

You're not getting...

Oh, fuck it. Fuck it.

Oh, finally. I don't know if

if you guys caught the jurassic park reference there play the porno music for him and uh i'll

just start fucking with him down the line i'm trying to where did skype go fucking shit there

it is fucking disappearing actor yeah disappeared on me for a second there it is anyway yeah just

just call him back and play the porno shit down the line i'll fuck with him all right i got it

let me queue it up all right we're ready hey this is christian faking how can i help you

does the music come through okay on the phone on the skype oh yeah yeah yeah it's okay it's okay

you just didn't know what the fuck to think what the fuck you know it's about the same

quality you would expect in a porno yeah that's good i got i got a like i got four or five they're

called classical 70s porn music, and I think...

I have to sit there and adjust my mic to, like, below my chin

and then, like, cut my mouth to try to make it sound like a 70s porno and shit, too.

You think your kid ever hears you doing that shit

and he thinks, what the hell is Daddy doing talking like that?

I'd be worried about that.

You need a white noise machine.

What'd you say now?

You need a white noise machine.

Aren't you ever worried that your kid's going to hear you saying that

and wonder why Daddy's talking like that on the computer?

He's never over here on a Thursday

For a fucking reason

That's good

We shouldn't have our kids around on Thursday

Well we got a lot of kids

I think we got a huge contingent

Of high school age kids

That listen to the show

I don't know if they'd be in the majority

There's 37 people

Can I take this one?

Yeah sure

I don't know what this is

Rhonda's got a TV for sale

I don't know Jose

a no answer all right no problem we got we got i got i got tons of numbers lonesome came through

with a lot of numbers here um sucks that best buy is closed because they're always like really

jerk ass is there they're closed well they're open but they're not taking calls until after 4 a.m

i saw a lot of ads online around here about them being open from midnight yeah yeah well so i think

some open at eight o'clock uh how about england how about some england calls here real quick

Hang on a second.

I'll see if I can get you a Best Buy around here.

I think there's one close by that's open.

All right.

Let's do that.

Milkman, are you snoring?

What's going on?

Yeah, I think I hear him.

Yeah, he's got some sleep apnea over there.

Wait, but he was fucking driving last we knew.

Is he fucking sleeping?

Yeah, he's running to the car.

He's not driving.

Milkman isn't driving.

He's crazy.

As soon as he can sit there, five more minutes.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Five more minutes, yeah.

All right, so, all right.

all right uh jose if you said you want to do a prank i can i can call england or uh toys r us

uh i don't know which one's better i don't know let's do england because toys r us is

putting us on hold forever all right uh i fucking lost it my scroll too fast england england england

let me play something there

okay finally oh that that is a music all right posting in this jose i'm posting in a skype chat

at the info for these numbers i got all right or anyone else who wants to do them jose's got the

first jesus yeah well let's get that that's like we've called maybe a total of we've called less

than 50 of the numbers lonesome sent over tonight so yeah do it three six four seven

hello hello good morning david ors yes what are you why are you calling i'm calling about your

water because right now i'm sensing like a strong power against your water right now can you say

that again please your water pipe leaking and we need to tell you that to shut down your water

water yes water what are you talking why are you talking about water your water's not purified

enough what do you mean it's not certified yeah we're not like we don't we couldn't like put in

a lot of chlorine in it so right now we have to tell you to return the water that you have been

been using. Are you serious? Yes, I am serious. Where are you telephoning from? I'm from the UK

right now. You're in the UK? Yes. Whereabouts? In Cambridge, England. Are you? Yes. And what do

you think the problem is with the water? It's not purified enough. You're kidding. I'm not kidding.

Okay, so what are you going to do about it? Okay, let me just tell you that Israel just poisoned

the water supply in England, and right now we need you to return all the water you have been

using why don't you talk to the water companies i am the water company and what is the name of

the water company it's a water company what is the name of it it's one two three sesame street

water co one two three sesame street yes this is getting funnier as we as we as we continue

okay tell me a phone number okay it is zero one eight six two eight nine three eight five four

0-1-8-6-2-8-9-3-8-5-4.

Okay, and your name?

My name is Roy.

How do you spell that?

R-O-Y.

Okay, Roy. What's your first surname?

Blue Waffle. Do you know how to spell Blue Waffle?

Say that again?

Do you know how to spell Blue Waffle, you fucking Jew?

Waffle?

Yes, Blue. Can you say Blue Waffle?

What nationality are you?

I am from the UK.

Which part of the UK?

Cambridge, England.

You're living in Cambridge, England, are you?

Yes.

There isn't a Sesame Street in Cambridge.

Why are you fucking lying to me?

Sorry?

You're a fucking beaner. You know that, right?

I'm talking what?

You're a beaner.

Have you been smoking that crack pipe?

I don't understand what you're saying.

God damn it, you fucking retard-ass motherfucker.

Just tell me something.

Is your water supply not purified enough?

That's all I want to know.

My water supply's fine.

It has been before.

Okay, right now you have to turn off your fridge.

Why do I have to turn off my fridge?

Because does your fridge have the water supply in it?

Because my sources tell me that they are.

They do.

Who tells you this?

Who tells you?

Oh, and by the way, I ate Big Bird for Thanksgiving dinner.

Yes.

You need some help, I think.

No, I don't need your fucking help.

By the way, you know how...

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, David.

Yes, this is Supervisor Brent.

David, are you there?

Hello.

Hello, this is the Supervisor.

I've been monitoring the call.

We're from the call center from Cambridge Water.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Are you understanding what's happening on this call, sir?

Yes.

He's crazy.

Well, I'm sorry about that, sir.

Sometimes we employ temporary personnel, and that's why I was alerted to monitor this call.

So the reason we're calling from Cambridge Water is...

What's your telephone number at Cambridge Water?

Cambridge Water?

Do you want the text phone or the 24-hour emergency line?

Either one will do.

0-1-2-2-3-7-0-6-0-5-0.

Okay.

And your name?

My name is Brent.

Brent.

Westwood.

Brunch, as in tree.

Brent.

Brent, okay.

B, Bravo, Romeo, Echo, November, Tango.

Okay, got it.

Brent.

Got it, Brent.

Westwood.

Okay.

Now, tell me what the call is about.

What the call is about?

The call is about we're worried about there's maybe a sulfur contamination in the water,

and we need you to go ahead and give the loo a flush and see if it smells like sulfur.

We seem to have a plume, some sort of a plume in the water.

You have a problem.

I'm just getting the reports from my machine.

What?

You have a problem.

Whereabouts in Cambridge are you?

I don't have a problem.

Are you there?

I'm in a call center.

Yeah, I'm here.

You're at a call center in Cambridge.

Whereabouts is that?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm in a call center.

Okay.

Calling.

I am under contract from Cambridge Water to make these calls.

I don't have to tell you where I am.

Whereabouts are you based?

I don't have to tell you where I am.

Well, if you want to get anywhere with this phone call, you need to give me some information.

I've given you all the information.

I'm with Cambridge Water.

Before I hang up, because this is wasting my time, I need to know a little bit more.

Whereabouts is the call center?

We're actually based in the United States.

Yeah, that's what it sounds like to me.

Oh, okay.

We're in Florida.

Yeah, in Florida.

Okay.

So why did I have a telephone number from Cambridge for me?

Huh?

I'm giving you the number.

These are the numbers.

I'm not going to give you my phone number.

I'm contracted for many water companies.

We have alerts.

They come through the machines.

I need you to go and flush the toilet.

See if it smells like sulfur so I can call the next stupid English motherfucker.

Why do I get all these questions?

What are you, Welsh?

Is that the problem?

I don't have a problem, no.

Except for you.

Are you a pikey?

Is that the problem?

You don't understand to go flush the toilet?

Did I wank you?

Are you having a wank?

You have a hurricane.

Sorry?

Are you having a wank?

Is that what the problem is?

You don't understand?

I just need you to go and flush the toilet.

See if it smells like sulfur.

Are you having a wank?

No, I'm not having a wank.

Unbelievable if I'm called this.

Have you called it a fall?

No.

Well, I'm going to hang up.

Let me check my computer.

I'm not wasting my time.

Go and flush the goddamn toilet.

And what will that do?

To see if it smells like sulfur.

You know what sulfur smells like?

Imagine this asshole I am on the other side.

Of course I know.

And I flushed it all about ten minutes ago, and it was fine.

Jesus fucking Christ, and why are you wasting my goddamn time?

You could have had this over with moments ago.

You're wasting my fucking time.

All right, that's it.

I'm reporting you, David.

I'm reporting you to Cambridge Water,

and we're going to have to go ahead and have you shut off.

I'm making a report now

print ticket off

water shut off

I command you hang up the phone

David

that wasn't weird it went from one to the other

you should have fucking ripped him one tongue

if you don't flush it we will fucking send

someone to flush it for you

you know what we should do

do you know we should do is uh so i have the i pulled up the cambridge water uh phone numbers

uh when jose was struggling there we should call and report a problem with his water from his

address yeah there you go there you go they'll come out yeah they'll come out they'll come out

yeah all right yeah did you post this already in the chat or here let me see uh yeah this is

complaint to park hold on yeah i've actually been to cambridge a couple of times and

and it's in a pretty rural area of England.

There's a lot of farmland surrounding it.

So my idea was you could call and tell them that some college students got really fucked up,

and they went out and they cut the fences to some of the local farms,

and the cows got out, and they shat in the reservoir.

In the reservoir.

They defecated.

And the water is now contaminated.

Or just the college students did it.

Pardon?

Or a bunch of college students.

You did the college students shit everywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, Carlito, I found a confirmed open Best Buy post as a number there.

Awesome, thanks.

I also put the number for the, this is the Cambridge Water UK complaint line,

but I don't know if I got the country code right.

It's plus 44.

Yeah, I think that's how it works.

I think that's right, yeah.

Is that the one when I do the customer complaint line?

I think so, yeah, complain.

Tell them that there's water.

Yeah, we can even say, look, you know.

That water smells like sulfur.

Yeah, there you go.

Oh, here's the, here's the, oh wait, here's the other, here's, and then I'll post the

customer service, the 24-hour line.

Water smells like silver.

That's going to be hilarious if someone shows up and says, yeah, we're here, we've got to

call someone, the water smells like silver.

All right.

Oh my God.

All right.

Are you going to do this?

Because you have more direct memory than I do.

Yeah, sure.

I was double-tasking, but I was paying attention to this.

Both of you guys, Jose even has some good parts.

Jose, you had some good parts.

Thank you for calling me.

Our office hours are 8.30 a.m. to 5.00 p.m., Monday to Friday, excluding public holidays.

If you have a supply interruption or emergency, please hold and you will be transferred to our 24-hour control room.

For customer service inquiries, please call back during office hours.

It's 8.04 in the UK right now, so it's only 26 minutes until they open.

Oh, really?

We're going to try this.

David Owens.

Can we talk to 24-hour service?

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Good morning.

Yes, this is David Owens calling from Ostho-Malanga.

From where?

From Ostho-Malting.

Yeah.

Yeah, and my water smells like sulfur.

Sorry?

My water smells of sulfur.

And what address are you, sir?

Oh, my God.

Uh, it's...

Oh, shit.

Uh, I forgot.

Okay, it's 20 Hicks Lane.

Sorry, Hicks?

Hicks Hotel.

Hotel, H-I-C-K-S.

I can't, I can't, I, you've got the very bad line here, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't, I can't understand, I can't hear.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me right now?

No, sorry?

God damn it.

Okay, here, let me give you my phone number. Can you hear me?

Okay.

Okay, 0-1-2-2-3-36-47-77.

Can you call me back on this line?

Yes, certainly can.

Okay, call me right back.

Okay, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, I just noticed that address came up all messed up.

Yeah, it's all fucking weird.

Damn it, that sucks.

Yeah, we could have done the other one.

I just gave him the guy's phone number.

Yes, he's going to call back like right now.

Right now he's going to call back.

Milkman's over there snoring.

I guess maybe we need to restart Skype again.

That means we'll probably lose Milkman.

Milkman, is RBCP still here?

RBCP, what happened?

Tell me what happened with breaking news from RBCP.

Oh, okay. I called the layaway department, and I got them to give me three layaway numbers, this lady.

But there was only one computer there, and she had this giant line of people.

And I made her, she's like, I can't do that right now because my computer's in register mode,

and I'd have to take it out of register mode and go into the layaway mode.

And I told her this was more important than her customers.

And there's this guy yelling at her, and he stormed off. He was really pissed.

Oh, my God.

That poor lady.

Yeah, I tried to get her to put someone on the phone so I could apologize.

Oh, and the whole time your show was running in the background and she could hear it.

She could hear it the whole time.

That's awesome.

I love it.

You recorded that, though.

Can you play that back to us edited some point someday, possibly?

Yeah, hopefully I'll remember.

Awesome.

That's awesome.

I've got three numbers for you if you want to call them.

I want to hear that so bad.

I want to hear the guy.

You fucking bitch.

God.

I've been waiting.

I've got to put my fucking underwear on layaway.

God damn it.

I've been waiting.

What did you say?

You said you sent numbers in, Brad?

Or you want to post them?

I submitted them and I just put them in Skype for you.

Okay, cool.

Skype works for me.

All right, cool.

All right.

Where's it at?

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Put that in there.

There, right there.

Okay, right there.

All right, I got you.

There's it.

Apparently.

probably just like the pennsylvania one well all right uh but i gotta restart skype right

whoever wants to stay on um when you see me pop back in call back in okay yes all right

right back i love you no you get the last word i love you how disgusting all right well here we

gotta play a little bit more music while i restart skype again i don't know what's up with skype

it's because i have a lot of people on and of course memory leaks memory leaks you know i'm

side um yeah we're still kind of going okay i don't i don't feel like we need to cut off anytime

soon all right sky was restarted so if you're listening and you wanted to be on call in now

we'll leave uh we'll leave milkman to sleep we'll play this for milkman here

so he can get back to sleep all right we're playing lulu fuck milkman yeah i know right

fuck him in his stupid ass we should just never have him on anymore who else is on i got baz

has an rbcp uh they can call in whoever it was i don't remember now enigma they'll call in they'll

call erin and ken oh they'll call you gotta call 925 when you repost them for you oh shit that's

right i lost the chat yeah yeah do that shit copy paste like quite a bit of it if you can

yeah i got three numbers nice i didn't even think about that i just wanted to say um i'm in awe of

up your social engineering skills it's awesome oh gee thanks shucks god damn it all right we've

reconvened you know what i noticed is i did horrible tonight it was i'm stupid and drunk

and i kept laughing at her while she's giving me it's like did you play it back no no i was

gonna edit it you say like you're gonna social engineering like no i'm not this lady's just

extra stupid well i'm drunk too so that's probably why i'm not right now you know what i noticed is

that when i call in the sound quality is twice as good as when you call me really that too

all right this this laptop is getting ready to get nuked uh this weekend so dirty arian the host

of the show from now on dirty arian's gonna be the host of the show basically and when

are you doing a show this weekend

at all? I think I'm going to try and do one

on Sunday. I've been trying to fuck around with more

audio shit, but it's just going to be

just because I like to play music. I mean, I think that

that's why I like this show

so much is because there's music and shit.

Hey, what time is your show, Aaron?

Let's see.

I'm probably not going to start until

9 or 10 Pacific.

PM, right? Yeah.

Pacific, so awesome.

It's like midnight my time.

time yeah that works for me i'm an unemployed motherfucker so it works for me the main problem

with me doing a show is that the main problem with my me is that i don't really have a like

a stockpile of numbers you know yeah so i need somebody to either engineer some numbers for the

show or i'd do it myself i guess i could i can try to help you out there okay cool we can always

call anything that's you know 24 hours and shit yeah i left and it got better yay okay

Okay.

Did Brad ever send the name of the address?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's right.

I just mentioned California.

That's probably as shitty as Pennsylvania.

You want me to copy and paste them?

I got them.

Brad did it.

I got it here.

Yeah, we're good.

Oh, you can copy and repaste the British numbers, though.

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from Layaway.

Is this Constance?

Thanks.

This is Ralph.

I'm calling from the Layaway department.

Is this Constance?

the 360 on the way yes okay and how were you expecting to pay for this because you put it

through in the payment you put through didn't go through were you expecting for us to hold us for

you without you um paying money sorry were you expecting us to pay you know put hold us for you

here without you paying the money by giving us a bad uh payment i didn't pay the money what did

you pay with you didn't pay with cash yes i did it says here you pay with a card and the card didn't

go through i didn't pay with no card well you need to get this fixed because right now you have zero

you have zero balance paid into it we were messing around we were messing around in the back room and

we're a horse around we're throwing away uh around a nerf football and we knocked over the computer

and right now we got the all the receipts mixed up and it's showing that whatever the the 360 you

got and the spider-mans that you didn't pay anything for it at all like there's no record

at all yeah but i'm just saying it doesn't come up anymore now now it's messed up i'm gonna look

it up again here how much do you put how much did you put down i put 41 dollars down 41 yes

let me try hang on all right yeah it's it says zero it has you down that you put down

this is ralph ralph little john ralph ralph little john okay well can you come back please

please, because right now,

we were, like I said, we were missing...

Huh?

I didn't even see it, because I had

paid my $49. Yeah, well, you're not

going to be able to get this. Right now

it says that you paid $40 in cash

and that your cash bounced

and they got reversed, so then

now you have zero paid into it.

So where's my money?

I don't know. I don't know. It goes in the computer.

I don't know. It's electronic. I don't know what

happens to it. You don't know what

happens to it? We have a paperless

system here, so I don't know.

Okay, I paid cash for it, and I have my receipt at the house.

Oh, so you're here now, though?

Yeah, I work for McDonald's.

Oh, you work at the McDonald's?

Yeah.

Oh, you want to come back here and try to figure this out?

Because if not, I'm going to put this stuff back.

Why would you put it back if I paid my money for it?

Well, because there's a line of people waiting for 360s right now,

and you don't have anything.

There's a guy here.

He's really nice.

He's being really nice and everything.

thing i'm okay i'm gonna go get sherry we will come back here yeah because he's being really

nice about it and he really wants the 360 and yours is the only one okay okay i already paid

my money for your solution shouldn't be like that but like i said the computer it erased it

i don't know what to do can you help me figure out a problem because i put a 360 and i can make

on hold right now and he's calling me he told me when i did it today earlier today and now

Now they're trying to get my 360 away.

No, if you don't have it, it's over.

It's over.

Hello?

Yeah, listen, this is Ralph.

We were horsing around back here in the layaway,

and someone threw the Nerf ball,

and right now Constance's money that she put down for the 360 is canceled,

and there's a guy back here being really nice.

And he's a really nice guy, and he wants the 360,

so I got to give it to him.

Who is it?

This is Ralph.

That doesn't ring a bell.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Okay, so she...

Can you just come...

She put it on layaway and secured her payment.

She came in and made a payment today.

Yeah, but the payment bounced.

The payment bounced and returned.

It didn't have any funds, but she left.

Oh, so, okay.

She wrote a bad...

Give me one second, okay?

Yeah, she writes bad checks, too.

Oh, they hung up.

That's good shit right there.

Oh, bruh, it started over there at the McDonald's.

You see, everybody's getting to collaborate on the issue.

Oh my god, what a weird fucking story.

Oh, okay.

That's crazy she was in the store right then.

Yeah, I know.

That's almost as good as last, what was it, on Thursday, was it last week?

We called the guy, and he said his, we told him about his visa, and he's like, I lost my card yesterday.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I lost my card.

Yeah, I just lost my card.

Brent Westwood in the, oh, fuck yeah.

Are 7-Elevens open?

Oh, yeah, for the most part, I'd say so.

Oh, yeah, 24-7.

They kind of sucked to call because it's always Haji that answered.

He didn't want to talk.

The Habibi motherfuckers.

You know what's hard to find now?

But they were always open every day.

365, no matter what, was Blockbuster video.

Blockbusters.

And I don't think there's many left.

There's only a few left now.

Yeah, there's not very many.

They all shut down here.

They probably didn't open on Thanksgiving anyway.

Brad should get some Plaid Pantry numbers.

It's like 7-Eleven, but only in Portland.

or something like that.

It's weird.

Plaid Pantry.

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

We have a queue up here in Washington.

All right.

Well, let's move right along here.

Let's do some more pranks.

Why not?

Let's go back to the Cambridge one.

One of the Cambridge numbers.

Yeah, we only did one Cambridge.

So the next one this time,

if we're able to get this guy to bite about the sulfur problem,

we can call back and we'll actually have an address for him.

That helps out.

Yeah, the address is fucking weird.

Yeah, I don't know.

That just happens sometimes.

Can you repost the info in Skype?

because we lost it.

I thought Jose was going to get it.

Jose, did you get that?

Oh, no.

You want me to get it right now?

Slacker, man.

Hey, you're sleeping behind the wheel, man.

Go get it.

Yeah, come on, man.

Sleeping on the job.

Sleeping on the mouse.

You right-click, select all.

That was a classic line from a classic call, dude.

Yeah, that's adorable.

Sleeping on the job.

We've got to call that place back sometime.

Did any of you catch the Jurassic Park reference

in that Australia KFC call?

Oh, no, yeah.

Yeah, I totally could.

Dennis Nedry had the hollowed out can of shaving cream for the dino embryos.

Yeah, that's what I thought when you said that.

Yeah, that's what I was doing.

Oh, Brad posted a Plaid Pantry number in the Skype chat.

Oh, yeah, Plaid Pantry, motherfucker.

They sell those.

I don't know if they have them out there, but they sell those magazines of, like, mugshot people, you know?

They sell magazines with those?

Holy shit.

Yeah, so, yeah, it's like public record.

so they just basically download them into a magazine so they got all the crazy fucking

people that got arrested last week that's and it's it's a dollar for each one but it's hilarious

remind me not to get arrested there oh i've heard of those yeah orlando has one yeah like i i used

to go to this ghetto ass gas station by my job in orlando and uh and there'd always be like you

know some some you know some homies in there they're checking out like yo you got that new

whatever it's called and like yeah they're looking through it and and uh like the owner used to get

mad i remember he told some guy you know you know if you're gonna read it it's to read not to buy

it's to buy not to read here he told him and then he and then he ended up i remember he put him on

the counter but with a big sign that said this is for you know this is not a library you must buy

and yeah well that's what they they sell them right on the counter they don't like sell them

yeah with the so people will just look through them yeah yeah he used to have them in the

fucking magazine section and he had to get stop that because they were all over the place i

remember all half open and shit and people will tear out pages of their homies that were in there

and shit like yo i was gonna say that to see who they knew i'm not i'm not trying to sound stupid

so you'd see them like laying down there on someone that were like half ripped and it's like

oh yeah they must have seen someone in there you know someone that they know family member or

something was you know got pinched and they're they're ripping it out like it's a fucking yearbook

book photo or something i don't know it's funny shit anyway roberta culver culver uh that's the

next one on the list that we didn't do right yeah no no no bullshit david snozzwell oh god damn

snozzwell snozzberries it just tastes like snozzberries that name snozzwell snow that

reminds me of fucking game of thrones back in march motherfucker can't we throw oh hell yeah

it's winter's coming tell these people tell them winter's coming show oh yeah there's uh no you

you are thanks okay hello we're unable to come to the phone right now hello hello hello david

uh yes yes yes this is brent calling from cambridge water oh okay grant yes hello yes

hello uh just want to make sure confirm i'm speaking to the right person is davis snozzwell

at 20 hicks lane cambridge 20 i'm 29 29 okay let me check my computer here that's correct yes you

You're 29.

So what we're having is we're having a bit of a sulfur complaint on Hicks.

Okay.

So what we need you to do is we're calling everybody on your street to see if we can confirm or deny the sulfur complaints or the water smell.

Okay.

And especially when you flush the loo.

So we're going to need you to go in and flush the loo and tell me if it smells like sulfur.

hmm okay um no i don't think i can detect any sulfur there no no it's all good now what about

does your now different toilets does yours have the back where you can take off the lid

toilet oh i see yeah um no no nothing no you took the lid off and it doesn't know smell

no not that i can detect no okay is the water coming into the toilet is it hot or cold because

i think maybe we got some lines crossed up i don't know what's happening i think we had a

we had a filtration breakdown well hold on let me put my uh phone down for you okay don't drop it

in the toilet it's cold no it's cold okay just making sure now so here's what we're going to

need you to do for right now is until we can uh we're going to put you down uh let me make a note

here on my computer uh and then do a printout uh is that uh what we're going to need you to do for

right now is we're going to need you to not flush the loo you know if it's if it's yellow

yellow we're gonna let it mellow and if it's brown you can flush it down but we're trying to

minimize the amount of flushes uh today okay okay can you go with that yep all right well

we'll call you back with an update later sorry we'll call you back with an update so

if you have a bowel movement if you have a bowel movement you need to take a shit

just wait okay yeah okay bye all right bye he laughed at the end there i don't think he was

was taking the exercise seriously i know but he fucking flushed his hand in the back

i was gonna i was gonna try to break in as your supervisor and uh appraise you of uh recent

development in the situation regarding the college students maybe we can do that oh yeah

shitting in the fucking water reservoir all right the reservoir yeah um here we go more numbers more

where to do it or did you want it did you want to were you aiming to call um cambridge water to go

out there for him uh oh to call for this guy yeah he's good yeah no you can't we got the right

address this time do yep okay 24 hour emergency line it's thanksgiving they're not going to be

open in the uk not in cambridge they're not christians neither were the fucking pilgrims

you don't celebrate it pilgrims are christians come on the original christians in america the

the pilgrims those weirdos you know i could probably find it i think i don't know how do

i go i can go to recent i can find it echo echo yeah i got it right here in front of me this

whole time i'm being a dick yeah just now it's now it's in the skype chat okay cool why are you

being a dick bro come on bro oh yeah add to conference call helps where's milkman we lost

milkman oh yeah that's right forgot he's asleep not that one sleeping sleeping on the job he's

Hooked up to a CPAP right now.

Thank you for calling Cambridge Water.

Our office hours are 8.30 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.

They open in one minute?

One minute.

If you have a supply interruption or emergency,

please hold and you will be transferred to our 24-hour control room.

For customer service inquiries, please call back during office hours.

Hurry up.

It's an emergency.

Cambridge Water, 24-hour service.

Please hold.

Okay.

Does it keep transferring?

right? Or is that the hold sound? I think that was a live

guy. Sounded like it, right? Oh, it was.

It was the same guy. Yeah. He's on the

phone with David Owers. That's true.

Yeah, that's horrible. The first call.

Cambridge Water, 24

hour service, please hold. What the fuck?

What the fuck? Is it on repeat?

It's a fucking pikey.

This is Cambridge Water. This is Lee Seakin. How can I help?

Yes, good morning, Lee. Hi. Hello.

Hi, yeah, how can I help? Hello, this is

yes, hello, this is David Snozzwell calling.

Yeah, good morning there.

Yeah, and how can I help today? Yes, we're having

Having a bit of a problem with the water.

Smells of sulfur.

Sulfur?

Yes.

Okay, what's your postcode?

Shit, I don't know the fucking postcode.

It's 20 Hicks Lane.

29 Hicks Lane, Cambridge.

So you don't live there, or you do live there?

It's my cousin's place.

One moment.

I've got to try and find your location.

That was 29 Hicks Lane.

Yeah, Snozzwell.

Can you spell Snozzwell for me?

S-N-O-S-W-E-L-L.

Smells of sulfur.

It better be better if you want to call me back.

Can you call me back?

What's your number?

Let's see here.

We're 012-23-27-77-48.

What's the last name of the person that owns that proposition?

Snoswell.

That's the last name of...

Yeah, yeah.

One moment.

David, David.

Are you going to call me back?

Yeah, absolutely.

Thank you.

All right, bye.

Creating massive confusion out there.

I wish we could just make an order for them to come out.

Well, we can call these fuckers back in a little bit and find out.

Let's call the first one back and see what happened.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, there we go.

Yeah, the 24-hour guy was like, I ain't answering that shit.

I'm done.

Yeah, he's fucking off.

Yeah, he literally was just clocking off right when we were calling in.

That's awesome.

um first one david owens orders orders okay yeah what's up with the we need postcodes lonesome

i don't think he gets them and this is a gort hello yes hello is that david yes what's the call

yes i'm calling from the cambridge water uh cambridge water association you understand you

were having some trouble with your water smelling like sulfur did you get a call already yes uh have

you received one call or more than that more than one okay and the last one was that handled to

your satisfaction i'm just with a brief survey just make sure your service is okay you're calling

from florida no no i am not where are you calling from i'm calling from chicago illinois are you

yes well uh call center the call there's a why are you calling well there's a call center chicago

i'm just calling to follow on to make sure your last interaction with the company was satisfactory

if you get ready on a scale of one to ten one uh one as lowest or highest as low low is like better

or worse worse as in bad or not good as in downright rude um that doesn't come up on the

computer to put in rude would you say negative or positive offensive you're offended if you have

this problem with your water you know what we don't have any problem with our water there's a

sulfur problem there is why do you say that well because children were defecating in the water

supply where were they doing that there's some college kids from cambridge they went they got

together for thanksgiving they were just having they were smoking marijuana cigarettes and they

were drinking alcohol and they went down to like the rata reservoir and they pulled prank they

pulled their pants down they defecated it's a ritual it's a ritual among this group this fraternal

order of men how do you make an income well i'm the supervisor here and i also work part-time at

dunkin donuts i'm a manager there i create the i clean out the machines regularly yeah well i'm

going to have to hang up how do you make how do you make a living just curious you're an asshole

he's a professional asshole that's what upset him he knows he's probably a lawyer i hate like i said

florida okay so should have told sold marijuana cigarettes marijuana cigarettes i keep saying

that all the time now marijuana cigarettes plaid pantry you guys talk so good about this place

they got good sandwiches there let's find out no i don't think so they're well they do for

From Portland Sandwich Company.

So they're made by a Mexican guy in, like, Washington, probably.

Was it Portland Sandwich Company?

What is it?

It's literally called Portland Sandwich Company.

That was the nastiest video I've seen.

What?

That's pretty funny.

There's a video?

What?

Yeah, I posted a video in Skype chat.

Oh, no.

Gross.

Chip makes love to a poor frog's mouth.

watch it you gotta watch it hello hello hey this is brent what's going on over there uh not a whole

lot no hey uh i'm looking for the uh y'all got wired for the what wired energy drink can you

hear hello so i'm on a cell phone that's right hello you got wired energy drink yeah is this

yes it is hey you son of a bitch i'm trying to tell you stupid man what a guy that's because i

I was trying to go to that stupid video website with the monkey fucking a four-ug or whatever.

Yeah, great monkey fucker.

Fucked up the monkey call.

Yeah, sorry.

Pervert monkey.

Pantry, can I help you?

Yeah, listen, I'm sorry.

My friend was watching a monkey, a man-fucking-monkey video, and it screwed up my phone.

So, do you have wired energy drink?

No, we don't.

No?

No.

Do you have balls energy drink?

No.

Are you sure?

Are you hanging up on me?

Yeah, he did.

Fucker.

Fucking hung up on you.

I'm calling back.

I'm calling back, dude.

Some pretty bad customer service there.

I'll tell you what.

Don't take it, Dirty.

Can I talk to him?

Yeah.

I don't think I'll see him.

It probably won't work.

It's an outrage.

Hey, Anthony, can I help you?

Hi, this is Paul from the corporate office.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer there I could speak with?

I'm sorry, no, I don't.

There's no customers in the store right now?

No, there isn't.

Because we have to do the survey before the end of your shift.

Is there anyone coming in?

I'm sure there is.

Oh, okay, because I can wait if you just want to set the phone down

and give the next customer to me.

No, you can just try calling back.

Thank you.

Listen, goddammit.

What a dick.

Let me call a different one.

Maybe that'll work on a different one.

Ah, shit.

I hung up on RBCP.

Why do I keep doing that?

I keep hanging up on the people I'm talking to.

Fuck, sorry, Brad.

God.

I'm a dumbass.

Sorry, I got a different player that we can call instead.

Try that with.

Hang on.

American whiskey tonight, Carlito?

Yeah, whiskey.

Me too.

I don't like it with that Drambuie, though.

I don't know.

The Drambuie, I need ice.

Actually, I might do an ice run here in a little bit.

I'm doing a crown rail block on ice.

No, I didn't.

Oh, he dropped out then.

He doesn't want to be on.

Fine.

Yay, he's going to be on.

Hey, Neil.

Yeah.

Are you there?

Yeah, this is Brent.

How's it going?

Hey.

I'm looking for some energy drinks.

Okay.

I'm looking for a specific kind.

You ready?

Just in the moment.

I have to deal with a customer right now.

Oh, okay.

You got a customer standing right there?

Hello?

Can you put the phone down?

Yeah, he says he's got a customer.

See, this would have been perfect for the customer survey, but...

I know.

Yeah?

We can call back and I'll do it.

All right.

Well, he left the phone down.

Let me call everyone, then we'll loop back to this guy.

Okay.

You there?

Yep.

Hello?

Hello.

What was your name?

Neil.

Okay, I'm going to report you to the corporate office.

Oh, okay.

Because you're not giving me good service.

I'm with a customer right now.

Oh, okay.

Well, hold on.

While you put me on hold, I actually called the corporate office.

Here, let's talk to Paul.

You ready?

Ready for what?

Hello, this is Paul from the corporate office.

Can I help you?

Yes, sir.

I was speaking to number six here.

You weren't giving me good customer service.

Yeah, we've had this problem with him before.

Tell him.

Tell him how you want to look for my drink.

Sir, are you not looking for his drink?

There he's gone.

Here's another one.

A whole different one.

Holy shit.

Go ahead, Brad.

Thanks for calling.

I'll be here.

Hi, my name's Hal, too. I'm from the corporate office with Plaid Pantry.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer there I could speak with real quick to do a survey,

and they'll get a free soft drink and or hot dog?

No, I don't have any customers here.

Oh, there's none coming in, none out in the parking lot?

Well, I'm looking out in the parking lot. Yeah, nobody.

Oh, really? Why is the door beeping then?

That was me.

Oh, because you're looking in the parking lot.

Do you have a cordless phone?

Yeah.

Could you start walking kind of out along the perimeter?

Maybe around the block.

Nobody's here.

No, like, start going around the block, maybe around the corner, and see if you can find somebody that'll do a survey.

And who's this again?

My name's Hal, also, from the corporate.

And what's your name?

And last name?

Stuart.

Stuart, okay.

Yeah, nobody's here, dude.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, just start walking around the block.

Well, somebody just pulled up.

Down the street.

Just see how far the phone will take you.

I'm not walking down the street, but somebody just pulled up.

I'll give you...

Oh, they did.

Okay, that's perfect.

Okay, nope, he's going to Heavenly Donuts.

Oh, fucking shit.

So, you can call back tomorrow.

Maybe start going around the block.

Or you can set the phone down.

No, I can't leave the counter.

Wait for a customer to show up.

What?

No, no, no.

Just set the phone on the counter, and when a customer comes in, we'll talk to them.

Okay, okay.

You know that I'm on the corner block, right?

Right.

So when I'm looking down, well, somebody just came to me.

Oh, thank God.

Thank fucking God.

Why is this important?

Well, we have to do one before the end of every shift, at least twice a week.

We haven't done your shift at all this week.

would it matter if they don't speak english oh that's fine whatever carlito loves that me too

so hey guys carlito i'll take this one i guess one of my corporate is on the phone and they

want you to do a survey would you like to do one they might be russian they get free cigarettes

free cigarettes we have a spanish speaker i'm a spanish speaker yeah i'm a translator well they

They said no.

I'm not going to ask them.

Can you just ask them in Spanish?

Do you want to ask them donde es loche?

I guess my corporate is on the phone, and I have to do a customer survey.

Would you like to do one?

Sounds great.

Okay.

Okay, here's somebody.

All right.

Oh, thank God.

Thank you.

Thank the baby Jesus.

Hello?

Someone take it.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hello, yeah.

Yeah, go ahead.

This is Carlito.

Hi, this is Carlito.

I'm with Corporate Control.

I wanted to ask you a few questions.

You're going to get, huh, this is Carlito.

do i want the corporate office for planetary and by taking part in this survey you get to have a

free five minute uh spree uh shopping spree in the store you get to grab whatever you can

uh and for five minutes and walk out the door with it for free completely free so we can just

ask you five questions real quick how would you can you tell me uh uh from one to low five to

high how do you rate the cleanliness of the store oh man it's cool man it's good five you see five

All right.

How many times a week would you say you come here?

Every day?

Every day, bro.

Okay.

Do you usually purchase alcohol or cigarettes here?

Cigarettes.

Cigarettes you do?

Okay.

Do you ever purchase any of the sandwiches?

uh-uh.

Okay.

I get a pack of Marlboro 72 Blues.

Uh-huh.

What are they, $4.48, $35, $45?

Okay.

You can take all this, bro.

You got it.

Oh, you good.

And the last question,

we're interested in opening a Subway sandwich

here in this restaurant.

Would you be interested possibly

in purchasing sandwiches that were sold here?

Yeah, I guess.

It don't matter, bro.

Okay.

Well, yeah, we might accept WIC as food stamps.

Okay, so thank you for taking part in the survey.

You actually get five minutes when we say go to put as much stuff as you can in your arms,

and you can go without having to pay for it.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

All right.

Take the phone with you and let us know what you're getting as you're getting it,

just so we can write it down.

We're interested in what you're interested in, okay?

Hello?

Yeah.

All right, man.

I'm about to take all the cigarettes and everything.

No, no.

It can't be alcohol, though.

It can be items from the store, though.

Just no cigarettes, right?

No, I won't, though.

All right, well, ask him for...

It's not really supposed to be for cigarettes.

Man, this is a prank call, man.

Calm down, man.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm going to holler at you, boy.

All right, one.

One.

I knew he was going to say one.

Oh, what the fuck?

I don't know what that means anyway.

I knew he was going to say one.

That's awesome.

One.

Oh, shit.

That was good shit.

Whatever.

Sounded like he was going to rob the place.

I got scared.

Yo, give me all the

motherfucking pandemonium there.

Will your restaurant take food stamps?

Yeah, someone's going to take food stamps.

I'm not sure if that was your real brother, though.

He said, my bro.

That motherfucker's buying DuPort. He's a lying motherfucker.

Yo, man.

My bro blew 75, motherfucker.

Give me all the motherfucking

ma-sugar, now, motherfucker.

I kind of lost it

when Brad's like, oh, fucking shit.

When a guy's like, he wants to do that.

How did this guy keep believing me?

He's like, no, I can't go around the block.

I can't go around the block, no, but...

I'm not going to harass my customers.

Here's another one.

You're just a believable dude, RBCP.

I guess so.

Hi, this is Neil.

Hello, Neil.

This is Brent from the corporate office.

Hello.

Hey, good evening.

We're doing a Thanksgiving customer survey.

Is there a customer there in the store that we can talk to?

Just ask them if they want to take a quick survey.

That doesn't sound legitimate.

Yeah, this is Brent Westwood.

Because I'm telling you I'm from corporate.

Do I need to make a report here that you're not complying?

Okay, we have a translator here if they don't speak English.

I'm writing a report to make sure that you're going to comply.

Are you guys having a good night?

Are you calling me illegitimate?

I don't really like this job, but I've got to do it.

Hello?

No, what's happening now is I'm writing a report that Plaid Pantry No. 7 did not comply.

And what was your name?

I need your name for the report.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

Do you have a customer there that I can speak with?

What was your first name?

This doesn't sound legitimate.

If you need to get a hold of the store, you should show it through other means.

No, I did.

I called you.

I called the store.

This phone number here.

What was your first name?

I need to write down that you're not cooperating with the survey.

Hello?

He's gone.

Yeah.

I thought that he was one that we called already once.

I don't know why he did that.

He sounded kind of on the fence.

He kind of believed it was real, but he was suspicious.

Don't believe the typing helped seal the deal.

He was actually suspicious of it.

He's a smart cat.

We need somebody to come in as a supervisor, a corporate official that's monitoring the call.

Yeah.

I mean, it is 1 o'clock in the morning, so.

so you've probably heard that sound bite before.

I will.

Let somebody else do it.

Okay, I will.

I can come in as the supervisor if you want.

Stuck trying to find other numbers to call.

I'm a quick trip.

I guess this is the convenience store, maybe gas even.

Dave answered there just a little bit ago.

Dave.

Big Dave.

Dave's not here, man.

Strawberry.

How long are we going to do this show for?

I don't know.

Maybe another 15 minutes or so.

Four in the morning.

That's it.

Started at 10.

The night is quite young on the West Coast.

Ten, six, six hours, right?

Yep.

Is that a record?

No, I don't think so.

Quicker, this is Dave.

Yes, this is Brad from Corporation.

I'm sorry?

This is Brad from Corporation.

Okay.

And right now, your CPU on your computer hard drive doesn't match our CPU in our computer hard drive.

And right now, we have to reset your computers.

Okay.

Okay, what our protocol asks for is to shut off the main breakers.

Where are you from?

I'm from the corporation of Quick Trip, Quickie Mart.

Okay.

And right now you're supposed to comply with my demands.

You're from Quick Trip?

Yes, I'm from the corporation of Quick Trip.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Where are you calling from?

Excuse me, my name is Mr. David Snozzwell, and I'm a supervisor here at the corporation,

and I'd like you to comply with my association.

What corporation?

What my associate said.

No, goodbye.

Quick trip.

Oh, man, I blew it.

It was a horrible one.

No, you didn't know.

I didn't paste the info.

That's my fault.

You came in a little strong there.

I've been drinking Crown Royal profusely tonight.

Yeah, the corporation.

They're not corporate.

You guys see the corporation.

Yeah, it's not the corporation.

Corporation's a freaking...

It sounds like a WWE thing, the corporation.

What? What are you at? What number?

Do you notice what name I said?

Oh, the Best Buy fucker. Okay.

Quick trip.

I added it in chat where you should click it.

Yay!

Hello, this is Jerome speaking.

Yeah, hi. This is Mr. Loblob with Corporate.

I was calling to see if we could get our monthly employee survey

and preferably the monthly customer survey taken care of.

Yeah, you would probably have to call back when the manager's here, because I don't know where any of that is at.

Well, no, do you have a, we just speak to the customer and ask them five quick questions from one to five, lowest to highest?

Yeah, I have no customers in here at the moment.

Have you been getting any customers? You think you get one in the next few minutes, you think?

Yeah, I'm not really too sure, to be honest with you. It's pretty quiet tonight.

All right, can I ask you the five questions, then?

Yeah, I'm actually in the middle of doing an inventory right now.

Yeah, I got people coming in dropping stuff off right now.

So, yeah, I'm in the middle of that at the moment.

Oh, I can't just ask for it.

Yeah, I checked in all the milk.

So, yeah, you can take the milk already.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of doing some stuff right now.

So, yeah, if you might want to try it back in a little bit or something, yeah, I'm in the middle of doing this right now.

All right, Pony.

All right, boy.

Okay.

All right, thanks.

Pony.

All right, boy.

yeah he's like oh yeah man yeah put that milk over there man that's the code for cocaine

yeah you can put that milk right there man all right that guy's interesting we'll call it best

buy what do they got on sale this year who knows hey they've got uh the best buy that's got the

toshiba 40 inch widescreen on sale for 149 what yep oh my god and people have been lining up for

for like four days for that.

Well, I would have lined up for that.

There are actually like some tents set up over there now.

You should say you bought one and you got it home and it doesn't work

and you've got a Mexican dude that's messing with it in the back.

He's messing with it in the back.

It's like torture in the back.

No sé cómo trabajas, chingadera.

Yeah, 179, 40-inch.

But it's like five years ago, Toshiba.

It's not even a fresh one.

My favorite part of that call.

Pull the plug.

He's not dead yet.

It's all dead good, isn't it?

Pull the plug.

It's all dead good.

That's my mobile iPhone.

It's Jill speaking.

How can I help you?

Oh, what's up?

Hey, I got a problem with this stupid TV that I got.

This is just the mobile department.

If you want, I can give you the phone number to the big best line.

They can help you out with that.

I don't have any more money for people.

Call more people.

I ran out of minutes now.

Well, unfortunately, we don't deal with the TVs.

We just do cell phones and tablets and cases and stuff.

This isn't fair, because I got the TV, and it's right across the way.

You can see the stupid things from where you are, and you're refusing to help me.

Actually, this is the one inside the mall.

Yeah, I know.

You can see the TVs.

This is on Lower Road.

And the TVs you can see over there by the mall.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

This is inside the mall, not on Lower Road.

You goddamn people.

This is in Briarwood Mall.

I get treated by you people so bad.

I don't know why they let you people work there.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, sir.

Yeah, I want you to fix this right now, little missy.

What's your name?

Jill.

Who's the manager there?

Justin.

Are you sleeping with him?

That was a yes.

Are you sleeping with him?

What was your name?

I forgot already.

Cassandra?

Cassandra.

Oh, my.

LaShonda?

LaShonda.

that makes you want to go over to the best buy and buy a fucking tv

shit oh shit we got a best buy mobile and buy it and there's no lines there yeah that's what it is

my boys said this place is just like going to best buy but you don't have to be in line then

i get there's no tvs i stood at the wrong line best buy mobile oh it's in store only god damn

it because i was thinking because they got best buy mobile inside the fucking best buy now the

The mobile section is just like a little mini Best Buy mobile station.

Yeah, these TVs, what they do is that they get like, it's not the newest, latest, greatest panel.

It's just like last year's TV, the year before's TV, and they put it on sale.

That makes sense.

That's why they sell it for so cheap.

I mean, the fucking one for $179 only has two HDMI, barely has shit.

Wow.

See, but I get to here for like where I've got the studio here.

This is my little office area where I hang out all day, basically.

i'd put it on my wall and watch the monitor yeah i would hook up a roku box on it and shit and

use it as a monitor it's a serial input on the back yeah yeah i would i would do a i would set

up kind of send a switch and i could do a monitor to tv device maybe even put my ps3 on it that'd

be pretty cool i'd be right here then i wouldn't then i just all i need is a fridge and had the

perfect fucking room and then you wouldn't even need a wife anymore i gotta get a fridge because

Because right now, look, I'm drinking scotch and I'm out of ice.

But what am I going to do?

I can't.

I've got to stop doing this show to go and get ice.

Drink it straight out of the bottle like a man.

I sip it.

I don't drink it straight out.

I can't.

I am.

Assholes are you.

I don't have any ice in it right now.

I'm drinking it right.

You people.

What kind of scotch are you drinking, dude?

Johnny Walker Black Label.

Nice.

It's all right.

Oh, yeah.

Nintendo Skater is running us.

Did we call all those layaway customers or just the one?

We called two.

Oh, okay.

And the third one that I got didn't answer.

Brad was only able to get three.

Here's another Best Buy.

What about England?

I got a Best Buy from Lonesome here.

He just confirmed.

A black guy named Avery answered.

Absolutely.

Avery.

Wind him up.

Yeah, we get to get going.

Four o'clock.

That's my limit.

I can't.

Complain about the 40-inch.

Thank you for calling.

That's my number.

Speaking of, I hope you.

Yeah.

Hello?

I had a complaint.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, it's about the 40-inch.

uh that's for 100 what is it i think you paid 179 yeah 179 yeah we paid 179 for the 48 and it only

has how many inputs does it have on it two hdmi inputs that's it yeah do you have the receipt

with you no oh you don't all right when did when did you purchase it sir today all right cool hold

on let me i got that i might have the receipt maybe i don't know why the problem is is it don't

work we need more we need like five inputs on this thing you sold it to the right you sold

us the wrong one all right give me one i told the guy i had to connect five things to it he said no

problem and the first thing was big pussy pumpers all right cool what's your what's your phone

number sir uh 918-761-6463 um let me try something else what's your first name this is cross cross

Cross?

Yeah.

Like C-R-O-S-S?

Yeah, like Jesus Cross.

All we can get is audio out of it, no picture.

And we still need more fucking room.

We need more inputs on this.

We need, like, five HDMI inputs.

Cross, we got the Mexican guy working with it on the back.

We got a Mexican guy who's trying to fix it in the back.

I don't know how to work with this shit.

Yeah, it's not working.

Cool, give me one second.

I believe customer service is open.

I mean, let me...

Yeah, that black guy doesn't know anything.

You can definitely return the TV if you need to.

Yeah, but can they just put the new inputs on it?

Because I got Mexican.

His name is Pico.

He's over here.

He's putting inputs on it.

Man, it's sparking in the back, man.

It's sparking out.

We put extra inputs on it.

You can purchase it.

I know you can purchase, like, a little hub.

Like, you have HDMI inputs you want to use?

Yeah, we need, like, five of them.

All right.

We have, like, a little hub, like an HDMI hub, where you can plug, like, five different devices up.

We have that for sale, which you can connect to your TV.

Big Pussy Pumpers won't play.

We're just getting audio.

Cross, there's sparks coming out the back.

Listen, there's sparks coming out of the TV.

I got a Mexican kid trying to add more inputs to it.

We're trying to watch Big Pussy Pumpers,

and we can barely hear the audio,

and there's no video coming through.

All right, cool.

Give me one second.

Let me go talk to my manager.

Yeah, hurry up.

Yeah, we got to get this sorted out.

What the fuck?

You think he's explaining all that to the manager?

All right, so...

All right, so I'm the Mexican?

Yeah, no, you're clearly the Mexican.

No, no, you're not the Mexican.

You're Pico.

Are you able to hear me all right, Carlito?

You're Pico.

Yeah, I kind of hear you.

Thank you for holding.

How can I help you?

This is customer service.

We're trying to play this video.

It's only audio coming out of it.

I'm sorry, what?

I can't hear.

Your phone is cutting out.

We're playing the video, and it's only audio coming out of this stupid TV that you sold.

okay are you sure it's not are you using an hdmi cable or using the

component table or a composite i have a monster hdmi cable it's the best one you can get

okay if it's not working it's a return um it's under the holiday return policy you have until

january 24th when did you purchase it well now pico's in the back trying to fix it i'm sorry

pico pico's trying i'm sorry there's multiple people talking your phone is staticky

no hang on when was the tv purchase that's the video we're trying to play

24th. Oh, 24th is me.

Hello? We're trying to play the video.

Let me pause the video.

24th is where you need to be.

Oh, God. All right, bye.

It's too late.

Payback!

Oh, my God.

I was laughing.

I was trying to cut my mouth

enough to where it could make it towards the background.

Yeah.

I got that music just like...

She was like,

Like, is it a component cable?

Is it a compositor?

Is it HDMI?

She's all fucking high on fucking five-meter energy.

Oh, my God.

She's probably all stressed out.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Is it a monster cable?

I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a monster cable.

Five inputs, yeah.

All right, we're done.

That's it.

It's past four o'clock.

That's my limit.

I got to go.

I got to get up early.

I got to go to work tomorrow.

See you guys.

You have a job?

No, I have a job.

I'm just going to go to work tomorrow.

I thought you were on an extended vacation, dude.

Who's going to take you out, buddy?

Who's going to take me out?

Who's going to end the show?

Who's going to call that man back?

I don't know.

Too bad.

I think this is your big chance, Dirty Aaron.

Dirty Aaron's going to take us out.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, if you want, no.

Do you want to?

Hey, my honey, too.

Case work, case work.

This is the show.

Good night.

It's just a thanks, like, 50,000 people.

Okay, we've got to thank D12M&M, Jose, Bazooka.

all the people we got uh mr plow tabachi space machines just want to thank space machines for

all the hard work look at this dirty motherfuckers don't forget that you got the dime we got the

time hold on jeremiah milk plow mr plow naposa cobra my man titus the ant thinker and the dead

Who the hell's called in?

R-B-C-P

Jim Stewart

We gotta thank

all those people

R-B-C-P, look at my pee-pee

Enigma, my 420

Horse Machines

Tabachi, Space Machines

That's it

That's it, that's all we got

Don't forget that you got the time

It's a wrap

you got the time

we got the time

I'm gonna fucking

that's all we got

we're going for it

see you later

I got a boner

hey Brad

that was filthy Brad

yeah

look at my pee pee

alright bye everybody

see you guys

bye

you're out of your ass

have a good one

good show

don't leave

don't hang up on me

okay hang on

i will hang up on you all right so anyway uh i am out of here as i said this has been madhouse radio

thanks to jim for calling in earlier tonight a little bit of d d uh the dead dd action that was

fun all the people we prank called wanted to say a big thanks to uh ernie uh thanks to baz who was

on just a moment ago but thanks to you for uh helping out trying to track ernie down lonesome

did a good job very good job with numbers tonight everyone who sent a request to pranks even the

the ones we didn't get to it's been a fun show thanks for tuning in everybody who tuned in

we'll catch you next week next thursday thursday it is thursday it is bye

The Horse Strikes Back – Thanksgiving 2012 Show

Calls (49, 2 h 17 min of 4 h 51 min)

Transcript

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