Artie Had a Bisexual Threesome

I don't play no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to crying.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're my pussy.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Started just right now.

Right fucking now, eh?

That's when it started.

I'm Carlito, the host guy of the show.

On this show, we talk, we have a good time,

we do some prank calls.

I'll admit, that's the major focus of this show.

Very juvenile.

It's not for everybody.

There's also, for old people, there's Old Man Milkman.

Old Man Milkman's here.

He's an old man, and he represents your interests.

Hello, son.

How are you doing here?

Good to see you.

How are you doing?

Yes.

Milkman, man, have you stopped playing dominoes?

You used to be the domino champion back when you lived in the Virgin Islands.

You were like a three-time champion of the domino playing.

You were getting some money off that domino.

why'd you quit why'd you stop playing dominoes milkman you don't play dominoes in california at

all you never played dominoes but not as much there's not as many caribbeaners here so it's

not very competitive dominoing here but i do maintain my record on the island

i played milkman on yahoo games dominoes and he beat me every time man he was like he was like

Like, this is bullshit.

Bam, bam, bam.

Milkman does the thing where when you win the domino game,

but the last bone that you put down, you could have put it at either end.

Like, both sides of it could have won you the game.

He does it all the time, man.

Mathematical's crazy.

Milkman, you need to put that on that YouTube.

Show people how to domino.

Domino needs, you know, we need to bring dominoes back, man.

And I think Domino's is another lost art that the Hitler mustache that we talked about recently

and smoking jackets need to come back also.

I don't know what else.

We love the Hardy.

Yeah, the Hardy.

I think we also need to bring back Skin Bracer.

I think men should just be using Skin Bracer.

Remember Skin Bracer?

You ever use that stuff?

Oh, yeah.

How about Electric Shave?

Electric Shave, too.

Hey, man.

There you go.

I think we need to bring that back, too.

Hell, yeah.

Well, hi everybody. Send your prank call requests, please. That's how we get around here, you know.

You send me numbers and I prank call them. If it wasn't for that, we really wouldn't have much of a show.

I do have a lot of requested pranks that have come through this week, including some from today.

Yeah, several people have mentioned me in a money show, so I did tell them, and he requested pranks.

So hopefully the people that contacted me will be listening and will give me their pranks at any point in time.

All right, good.

Now, apparently the arm has been out there, Milkman.

If you can stop the music, please.

The arm's been out there, and he posted a job on Craigslist,

and people started replying to pick up some part-time job at a donut shop.

And we've got the phone numbers for people who are calling back looking for jobs.

That's been passed on to us, so we're going to be taking advantage of those numbers.

I'm quite excited about that.

The arm coming through.

The arm.

The arm always amazes us with his abilities to counter up interesting contact numbers and ideas and inside information.

We've got four different people who've replied in the affirmative and positive for a job machine selling those donuts.

Donuts, Milkman, you know, donut is a non, you know, a lot of things, you know, you're, you're, you know where I'm coming from with diabetes.

you know what i have to deal with you're not diabetic but you know what's up with that um

you know we we got a lot of sugar-free alternatives like for just about anything you can get a

a sugar-free alternative to everything uh that i can see out there with the exception of i still

haven't found a sugar-free alternative to the pop tart also known as the toaster pastry in the

the industry uh the kellogg's corporation i believe is interested in in it and they've

been doing little test focus groups where they've mentioned it a sugar-free version of the pop-tart

but as of yet it hasn't come out a lot of times these things these the the companies like like

coco pus was coming out sugar-free for a while or was reduced sugar was like 80 less sugar

and it went off the market because no one was buying it i bought the i bought like boxes and

boxes like hell yeah i can have cereal again you know without too much guilt people didn't know

about it either yeah i know that's the but i knew i was like i was on top of that kdk calls me the

the sugar-free drink uh expert because he can he can come you know he'll talk to me on the chat or

something and he'll always ask me like all right so what's new in the sugar-free drink uh you know

industry i keep on top with the it's really weird yeah it's it's i don't know why but i always keep

Keep on top of that, Milkman, sugar-free.

Well, you know, I guess, you know, you probably shouldn't let them know about our upcoming, you know, Madhouse flavor either.

You know, so don't get the out of the bag that we're going to have a Madhouse flavor drink.

Yeah, Clay has got a good story.

You got me muted.

No, no, no.

Dude, no.

There's no mute, man.

This is uncensored.

Madhouse Radio is uncensored.

I meant KDK flavor drink.

KDK flavor drink.

Milkman has a great story for us tonight.

Evil already has two stories.

He has one story he doesn't want to tell us out of the two, Milkman.

And I'm trying to convince him to say it anyway.

But, Milkman, I want to hear your story in a little bit.

But before we get to that, I want to mention madhouselive.com is the website that you should be at now.

There's a chat room interface there, a nice little applet that will run in your browser.

And you can chat with other people who are listening live right now.

uh what else we got there we got podcast links video feeds going there if you want to watch

music it's i laughed today brad rbcp posted a a prank call uh video on youtube and i noticed in

his description uh he it was him doing the prank calls and and he said in the description of the

video that uh you know video of a prank calls about as interesting as you know as you would

expect which is true it's not the video here is not critical it's not crucial it's it's my fat

head uh in the screen with a mic in my face while i prank call people and i smoke a cigar sometimes

it's been a while since i've had a cigar in the show a few weeks um anyway milk milkman uh give

give us what happened to you now you were doing the taxi cab can we can we say the story do you

want to keep this off off air this is k5 this this story is great milkman you you were driving

Driving the taxi, and a man in the backseat pulled out his wang and wanted you to...

What did he say?

He had something back there for you?

Is that what he said?

He said it's totally bugged.

Crazy story.

Yeah.

Well, tell the story.

It's a good story.

I'm going to lay it out here.

He turned with the butt there.

I'm on you.

I want you to hear about this.

It was back when I was driving.

Excuse me.

All right.

No worries.

Wow.

You know, but straw, but it was kind of like...

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

He's wearing a homo-looking hat and some weird-ass clothes.

Was it black, like a black kind of wicker kind of looking hat, cowboy hat kind of shaped?

Right, but it was that little thing, but it was light.

It had to be dyed black.

Okay, all right.

Oh, shit.

Okay, keep going.

All right, I'm getting the idea.

All right.

He's wearing a stupid hat, and he gets in, man.

He's got these dude-like eyes.

They take him, and they're like, hey, she leaves back here.

I got something back here.

And here comes up.

He's fumbling.

An idea.

All right, this guy's a fruitcake.

He's packing on something.

He had the dick meat out.

I didn't look, but I glanced enough that I could kind of, like, you know,

just change my angle enough to see he was a motherfucker.

And he's like, oh, it's okay.

It's all right.

You know, he said, you know, you can try.

I said, no, no, no.

I said, you need to calm fucking down.

I'm going to give you a ride and drop you off, man.

Okay.

I was almost there.

I wasn't going to fill it out because it was going to be like a buck.

Uh-huh.

We got there real close, you know, dude, and, like,

and he was really fucking, you know, it's like, oh, fuck, man.

Get out of here, dude.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah, man, some freaking slate ball, dude.

Did he tip you?

It was interesting.

Did he tip you at all?

How did he tip you?

Was it a good tip or a bad tip?

There was no female tipping, but, yeah, he did.

He gave me, like, about $8 on top of the fare.

Well, was it a normal tip, like what you'd expect, or better than normal, what he did tip?

All right, so he felt bad.

Yeah, yeah.

I think he felt bad.

Yeah.

He got, yeah, man, that's so, is that gay?

He was really fucked up.

I mean, that don't give me, that don't give me no excuses for his fucking homicidal shit,

but.

Yeah, I understand.

After all, though, we are very close.

We're not far within miles of the cataract, so, you know, I got a cataract and, you know,

floaters.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, Milkman, you know, that separate but equal is your mantra when it comes to that,

you know?

You don't have a problem with them as long as they're separate but equal.

I agree.

Anyway.

Your friend.

No, I don't care, dude.

I don't want to get fucking maritalized.

I don't care, but just leave me the fuck alone, dude,

because next time I push him out of the car, I'm going to back up over top of him.

Wow, you're very homophobic.

You would actually kill him because he's gay?

Is that why?

No, dude, I'm just going to do it for general purpose.

I didn't like his hat.

Yeah.

Well, I was telling you, for some extra money,

you should have told him for, you know, 20 bucks,

and what if he just touched the head?

You should have said to him.

It was a Puerto Rican dude that I knew was really into this sort of thing.

I was going to give him your number, dude.

He was really in a hurry, man.

I'm sorry I didn't give him your number.

Oh, well, you're an asshole.

Thanks.

Yeah, very funny.

Yeah, you're a Puerto Rican guy.

You're a lucky man.

I thought he was very gay, but I think you'd have been down on the feeling.

I'm sorry, dude.

Next fruitcake, I'll find you.

I'll make sure to give him your number.

Whatever.

Well, that's the end.

That's your story of the week.

That's very nice.

Yeah, I'm looking here mono, man.

I got to look out for my brother.

Yeah, okay.

Fruitcake patrol.

All right.

Hey, let's do some prank calls.

We got a little bit of talking under our belts,

and there's not a lot of room under those belts, man.

But, yeah, next time, dude, next time, man, I'll make sure.

All right, Lysol sent, Milkman, our friend Lysol,

sending in a number tonight for Billy Mitchell at Arcade Game Sales.

Now, Billy Mitchell's dead, Milkman.

You know Billy Mitchell.

Didn't he have cocaine in his body?

He used to have some pretty fucking good numbers, man.

didn't they didn't they say that billy mitchell had like what isn't he dead you know what i'm

talking about billy mitchell wasn't that his fucking name the the fucking i mean it's not

mitchell it's something else billy oh billy oh wait wait wait okay i'm thinking about the the

guy that used to sell shit okay never mind billy mitchell all right you're talking about orange

glow oh wait a minute wait a minute in fort lauderdale biddle isn't he the um the pac-man

guy i've seen i've seen two documentaries already about the video game uh old school

cool video game record oh yeah that's who it is billy mitchell okay he's the guy that you ever

seen who billy mitchell is he's got the the u.s flag um oh i think that's billy mays that's right

oh billy mays yeah billy mitchell i mean i don't know he's such a fucking dork billy mitchell

you got a milkman there's this documentary called uh i think it's called king of kong i think that's

what it is it's about this there's a small group of people that that have a majority of of the

the world records when it comes to like uh king uh the donkey kong and like the old school mario

brothers and like the old arcade games like 80s late 70s well early 80s arcade games like frogger

no i'm talking about tron shit like that those old school you know coin ops and they have this

weird culture and billy mitchell one gen one like eight yeah exactly yeah exactly well billy

Mitchell is like he's like their most revered one because he's he's like I think he's got the record

for for well he had at the time for Donkey Kong and Pac-Man and a whole bunch of them like he's

like like God like Jesus and he walks he looks like Jesus he walks around like Jesus and he's

really good at these old video games and uh well this outsider just like a regular guy he was really

good at Donkey Kong and he submitted he like submitted a tape and he and they gave him the

championship and a big fight erupted over it and a big challenge and you got you got to watch it

milkman it's on youtube you can watch it there or if you want a copy i can get it to you it's called

i think it's something like king of quarters what the fuck is that king of kong right

something like that man get back on your motorcycle yeah that yeah that uh that was a

really weird video that i saw that reminded me of milkman um i agree i think that's like a milkman

in the 80s like when that game those games i was just talking about when they were out

those are the games that was what milkman did he wrote he wrote around in a sidecar

motorcycle singing to kids i'm sorry it is king of kong milkman king of kong a fistful of quarters

fucker get that documentary go watch it on youtube it's on youtube milkman all right i

want you to watch they'll be like

your waterhead you know that no tell your head water comes out right right out stupid anyway

let's do some prank calls let's call this billy mitchell all right man he really he's really he

really pisses me off man what's the deal man what the fuck is his problem here money though

he's an ass no he's he's such like you gotta watch it you gotta watch the documentary he's a

He's a fucking dick.

He's a fucking dickhead, Milkman.

All right?

You got to watch the documentary.

He's got three or four cheeks.

Oh.

He's just one big.

If he's a four-cheeked ass, man, he's double.

I don't know.

Who has four cheeks of ass?

Even fat people have two cheeks, Milkman.

Well, those are the ones that leave their asses.

You don't know.

You don't know what you're talking about.

They got a pair of cheeks.

Rice and beans.

La, la, la.

Rice and beans.

La, la, la.

Rice and beans.

You're cheeky, isn't it?

Hello, can I help you?

This is Billy Mitchell.

How can I help you?

Who is this?

Hi, this is Rice and Beans.

We're calling from Rice and Beans.

From down the way, you have the wing area, the wing sauce kind of thing, you know.

We're calling from Rice and Beans.

We're curious if...

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Would you guys want to trade some food?

You know, or maybe...

Yeah, sure.

Huh?

What kind of food do you want to trade?

We have Hispanic food.

We got Rice and Beans.

Okay, great.

Rice and Beans.

That's awesome.

Do you like sofrito?

No, I don't think I do.

The only thing I like is Donkey Kong.

What?

Donkey Kong?

Donkey Kong.

The only thing...

That's it, Donkey Kong.

Would you like me to put Donkey Kong in there?

Yes, could you put some Donkey Kong in there?

Is this really Billy Mitchell, though?

Can you just tell me?

Is this the guy?

Wait, Billy Mitchell is right here.

Hold on.

Please, hurry.

Hey, Billy.

Hey, man.

If this is really you, Billy, I just want to say,

I like the whole look you've got where you look like Jesus.

It's really fucking cool, man.

Like, the Jesus look is, like, really cool.

You're like Jesus.

Well, like, you know how,

would you ever do the whole thing where you wear the white robe

and go to events or go to work.

You're really not part of my life.

Huh?

It's really not a part of my life.

Is Jesus a part of your life at all?

No, this whole thing you've got going on, this persona you invented.

No, I just think it would be so awesome to see you wearing a white...

I mean, it's a movie, but if they made a movie about you,

it probably wouldn't be you either.

Yeah, they made a lot of movies about Jesus, though.

Go for it, man. You've got to train that.

Well, hitch your star to...

That's like the big... He's Jesus Christ's superstar.

He's gone.

on i don't even know that was really him it sounded like hosers to me people hosing me

it sounded like hosers yeah yeah if you're a hoser go fuck yourself hoser sending in numbers

if you hose me that is what billy mitchell sounds like your credibility with us because

we're not going to do your calls if you continue to send in that kind of crap he sounds like he

sounds like that you wouldn't know because you haven't seen it yet you haven't seen the

fucking thing yet milkman right because you're stupid well dude you remind me you remind me

okay she we got a number here for someone who's actually looking for people to take care of uh

her new herman shepherd puppies never heard of herman shepherd puppies milkman herman shepherd

sounds like a good name for a young man well herman shepherd oh my goodness he like is that

like related to the herman herman i was thinking herman who was who was the guy who was george

was jefferson what was his name yeah george the actor the actor's stupid come on herman

shelmsley his name wasn't george god man i'm trying to be serious for a second milkman come

on man we're trying to elevate things here not just you sitting there like you're in the waterhead

herman shemley you never seen jefferson's before i've seen i love the jeffersons and jefferson

should jeff there should be a new jefferson's movie i would love to see that fuck yeah man

that would be funny as shit man we got a casio ctk 591 milkman any idea what that is

is it a calculator you think let's see where's it at it is a keyboard oh a keyboard with 61 keys

milkman yeah yeah we got yeah here we go it's been taken care of but has no no books got it

thinking either i would try to take lessons but i said shut up so what you didn't you didn't like

it now you're selling it we're gonna call mike big michael michael has a casio and then we have

to call evil arty big fat evil arty he's got something insane and quite interesting yeah i

am too well you stick your head in the toilet hello that number isn't ringing let's call evil

arty before i forget that way while he gives a story i can relight down at the center at least

give him an angle the phone away from his head man please he knows to do that he knows to do that

he knows the dude

well he might have

forgotten

hope he didn't

but I gotta find

the number

wow where

I knew his name

he had a name

for his name

oh man

tell me the name

of the band

maybe I know

you know

it wasn't

Bo George

was it

Dave

was it

Andy

oh Milkman

don't die on us

come on man

put your CPAP machine

on put it on

put your CPAP

on go

and talk

that won't work

man I gotta ask

oh no

do we need to

call 911

I think we're

gonna lose Milkman

tonight and we're

playing some nice

his festive music

to get our minds off of him.

Oh, he's dying.

All right.

Yeah, we're good.

All right.

Let's look at the request

of pranks again.

No, you need,

you need to,

don't have bananas.

Bananas make it worse.

Use citrus, man.

You have like three oranges.

I need some prune juice, man.

Who the hell

got some prune juice in there?

I need it, man.

Send me some prune juice, please, man.

Email me some

or private message me

some of your prune juice, bro.

I mean, I'm in need right now.

I'm down.

You know what's good?

You know, Milkman, you microwave the prune juice.

It tastes good.

Warm prune juice is good.

Yeah, man.

You should try it.

You know, all you got to do is microwave that prune juice, man, and don't mind the little

brown floaters in there, man.

That's just like chocolate flavor enhancers.

That's Milkman drinking prune juice.

I can't get calls to go out on Skype.

Fucker shit.

Come on, Skype.

Blow it out, Milkman.

Yes, hi.

I'm sorry.

We're having fun here with gas.

you're uh looking for some iphones you want an iphone what's your budget what's your budget is

hello did you have i don't really know i mean uh i have iphone 6 if you want to have early

release iphone 6 it's from japan it's good it works good it comes with a pen like a stylus pen

that's the new thing that's coming up well i don't know if it would work with sprint

no it's a sprint phone it's a sprint phone it is yeah yeah i could show you you want to show you

how it works and everything i could show you make a phone call in front of you and we'll sit down

on the couch i'll sit on the couch and i'll put i show you this button does this and that uh well

how much do you want for it uh i'm thinking 112 112 yeah and i can even get it connected for you

through sprint without the feed charging the feed because i'm an authorized dealer i can call

Sprint and say, hey, Mrs. So-and-so, Ms. People here wants us to connect and make it happen.

Because I'm a manager at, you know, I'm a manager level of an authorized dealer store for Sprint cell phone services machines, right?

Yeah.

My name is Jose.

So, which one do you want?

You want iPhone 4 or iPhone 5?

I give you the price.

You tell me how much I give you.

I tell you how much.

It's for my daughter.

She's wanting one for Christmas, and she don't really care which one.

You want iPhone 5?

That's a new one.

iPhone 5 for Sprint, I have it.

I got it for $115.

$115.

$115?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Can I talk to my husband and call you back?

Oh, you're...

So, would your husband want to be there when I'm showing you how to use the phone and everything?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, like, you can...

I want you to sit in the chair, and I want you to hold the phone with it on,

and I'll stand behind you with my arms around you,

and I'll show you where to touch the phone and where to touch the things.

I'll rub your back and your shoulders.

I'll pat you on the head and tell you you're doing a good job.

You're so good.

You're the best.

Well, you go to hell.

What do you mean, go to hell?

I want to show you when to do a good job showing you the phone.

What's wrong with you, motherfucker?

I want to show her the phone, how to use the phone and touch, you know, like I'll stand behind her and touch her shoulders.

Yeah, you want to stand behind me, too, probably.

No, not really.

I'm not into guys.

Do you want to watch or anything?

I mean.

No, but I'll tell you what I do want.

What do you want, baby?

I want you to hang that motherfucking phone up

and don't call this number again.

I've got a tracer on this phone.

Oh, which model tracer is it?

I'll give you less than 30 seconds, buddy.

What model tracer is it?

Do you have the Casio?

Just keep talking and you're going to get your ass in trouble.

I have a Samsung tracer.

I'm telling you now.

Hey, Mr. Stupid Redneck Guy,

why can't you afford an iPhone from the store?

he's got a tracer on this phone

and he get the name don't want it to go out on the feed uh well there you go christmas time

people out there man posted for iphones speaking of iphones great news today in the carlito world

when it comes to me i've been a long time subscriber to t-mobile announced today that

they're getting the iphone t-mobile finally getting the iphone and now all four of the

major carriers finally have the iphone machine milkman does that mean i'm gonna get an iphone

look man you know i travel with two phones right you know that i got two android phones on me at

all times i got my galaxy s3 and i got my older uh g2 i always do carry two phones so i think

what's going to happen is this older android phone it's going to the older one i have not

Not the Galaxy, but the older one.

It's gonna drop off in, uh, next summer.

I'll just get whatever new iPhone comes out.

Hey, Artie!

I got an iPhone, too.

Hey, Artie.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, I gotta call you back from Skype.

Well, I'm not gonna hold the phone up to the microphone, stupid shithead.

Alright, you're cheating.

Alright.

Bye.

No, I'm gonna stand here with the phone in my hand the whole fucking night.

Yeah, stupid.

I swear.

Alright, evil Artie.

And we'll continue here.

already has a great story

milkman

Milkman, hey, God bless you.

This is the plane speaking.

Hey.

Hello.

Hear me.

This is what?

Did you hear about the Australian radio people

who did the prank as the Queen?

Oh, they called the hospital to check on Kate Middleton?

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard about that.

I heard, yeah.

I like how they said that the Queen and Prince Charles

were coming to check, and like,

oh, yeah, sure, coming after nine, we'll be done.

She's not throwing up now, we're going to clean her up.

Like, oh, yeah.

Anyway, Artie.

We need to call some British people as the Queen.

Sure, but first, before that,

I want a story.

Do you have two stories?

Do you really don't want to tell us both of them?

You only want to say the one because the second one is even better than the first.

I know, but I don't know if I want people knowing that shit.

All right, give us the first one.

Milkman, are you ready?

Are you listening, Milkman?

All right, so Artie, just to bring you up to speed,

Milkman was driving his taxi, and a guy from Orlando was in his taxi in California

and pulled out his dick and wanted Milkman to reach back there and play with it.

and he said

seriously

yeah

milkman

what did you do

I told him he should have

touched the head

just the head

that's not gay

I don't know

I called a friend

from Puerto Rico

that was in that store

that was going to

give him his number

but he didn't

you know

he didn't end the call

anyway Artie

so what happened

so Artie

you met another girl online

yeah

I met her online

she's married too

that's the funny thing

alright

and this is

this is on OkCupid

yeah

she was in Claremont

okay

alright

And a couple nights ago, she invited me to come over, and she said I could cuddle with her, and she might give me a blowjob.

Wait, wait, before you got there, did you know she was married yet or no?

No, I knew she was married the whole time.

Okay, okay. All right, continue.

She's like in a polyamorous relationship.

Okay.

Yeah.

Did you know he was there when you came over, when you got there? Did you know?

Well, if they're married, I kind of assumed he was there.

All right, all right. Okay, continue. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

But anyways, I get there and I lay down with her.

I kind of shove my face in her tits right away.

And he comes and lays down on the other side of her.

Then she starts playing with my dick.

And she gives me head while he's laying there playing with himself the whole fucking time.

It was fucking weird.

So he did play with himself while you got head.

He was watching and you stayed.

You were down.

You were cool with that.

What do I do?

Say hey.

Get your mouth off my dick.

Your husband's creeping me out.

Oh, well, I don't know, man.

That's weird.

I think that's where it stops.

So what else happened then?

So then he came over and he put his hand on you?

Is that what happened?

He didn't put a hand on me or anything.

Well, actually, our legs were touching.

Oh!

That was the weird part.

Gay.

All right.

I wanted to fucking leave, but I didn't want to be rude.

But you had to get the blowjob out of the way.

You couldn't just go.

could you it was a weird city fucks her and busted all over her tits oh man he was watching

that too like you watch the whole thing wow and then i figured i i had to get a reason to leave

before she wanted to for all three of us to do something wow that's so i go to my phone and i

called my friend and um i'm like so um does that have to be tonight i mean it's two in the morning

do you need me to come out there tonight or i'm like okay i i gotta i'll call you on my way i

I guess.

Okay.

And I said, oh, yeah, I got to get going.

And you know what the first thing she says is?

Bullshit.

The life of a drug runner.

Really?

Yeah.

She thinks you're a drug runner?

Yeah, and I kind of just went with it.

I'm like, every weed.

Okay.

All right, anyway, so.

And then I heard.

All right, so, Milkman, in your opinion, is that gay?

What happened?

Did Artie, was he not supposed to have left when that started?

you know like first of all already you presume he was going to be there the whole time so what

did you think was going to happen i figured he'd stay in the other room you thought he was going

to stay in the other room really yeah no you're in a polyamorous relationship no poly means no no

that's that's not an open relationship is what you're thinking that's different where you open

other people separate but poly is like we're all together man multiple i don't think so is you had

had a bisexual threesome man you touch you touch his leg he touches the legs touched that's all it

takes our legs weren't touching when i came was his dick are you sure his dick wasn't out like

near yours at some point he didn't sneak it up there he was like his cross was at least three

feet from mine three feet yeah oh man all right i don't know that's borderline all right yeah well

name man that's cool so it sucks because she was fatter than i thought that's the part that sucks

yeah how was the head was that good then it was really it was one of the it's probably the top

three blowjobs i've ever gotten all right there you go well hell yeah he's been he's been teaching

her what to do guess what i passed on my way back what what bojangles the double tree the double

tree you passed the double tree yeah yeah because i got lost in downtown orlando on the way home

oh the place you pissed at yeah oh yeah okay yeah good times well already there you go man

nunu says you have gay aids you know what i was gonna do what i was gonna stop at the

double tree and i was gonna go in the middle of the lobby and drop my pants and start taking a

shit why not man step it up a notch you already took a piss might as well take a shit i'm like

i wasn't done last time i was here take a piss and shit uh let's let's i didn't do this last

last year all right we got uh we just did a call to a play uh a couple that was looking for an

iphone 5 they're upset because of how i handled it we have uh looking to babysit in my home i have

14 nieces and nephews holy shit and i watched three of my cousin's kids i don't charge a lot

to watch your kids any age so what she's got 14 nieces and nephews and she watches three more on

on top of that 17 kids at the house and she's looking to charge to babysit more isn't there a

legal limit how many kids can be in a house at once fuck can i call them as like a pervert

telling you when to come down and uh tell me you're a clown tell me you're a clown creepy clown

tell them you're a clown the pantsless clown pantsless clown don't jump into the pantless

pantsless tell me have a trick where your pants fall down at the suspenders and you pick them

back up but you have but you have underwear on all right here we go and then tell them and tell

about the gay threesome you had too that'd be good how about it just open body massage i can't

do that i can't say even if she might have picked up and i just want to go through that fucking

music looking for a used wood stove here someone else named big alan looking for a woolly uh big

owl yeah used wood stove in good condition large enough to heat 600 square feet machines let's do

Do it.

You taking this?

Unless you want to buy a stove.

You want to buy the stove?

No, I don't want a stove.

All right, man.

Women want the stove.

Yeah, women need the stoves.

Good point.

That's why I'll call.

Oh, man, my nose is getting all stuffed up.

I get into that milkman disease.

Milkman, are you there still, asshole?

Yeah, I'm here, man.

I'm not doing well.

Oh, man.

Unless you didn't get conned into a bisexual threesome.

You hung up and said busy.

That sucks.

All right, no wood stove.

We got fire wool for sale.

Instead, fire wool, fire wood.

That's what I meant.

UK Godfather's calling like an asshole.

Let me take...

Oh, fucking guy.

You're not supposed to call at this point, UK Godfather.

And you pissed me off last week with your breathing.

Hang on, let me...

You called the Firewood Grill?

We got fire...

We got the wood for the grill.

Hey, UK Godfather, what do you want?

You pissed me off last week with the breathing and the microphone.

You shit.

Get out of here.

So I want to tag team the Firewood Grill.

I got an idea.

All right.

Well, no, no.

This is...

Okay, this is Firewood for sale, coño.

You hear that?

Firewood for sale.

All right.

All right, I'll take this.

Firewood for sale.

Okay, good.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

You're going to be funny.

David Broderick.

I want to talk to him.

Let me try him again.

He sounds funny as fuck.

This is going to be good.

David Broderick.

All right, never mind.

We're calling Milkman on the side here instead.

While I look for more numbers, let's play some Music Machine.

Is the Loken Loser off tonight?

He's not here yet.

Milkman, are you sick?

You want to take a night?

You want to take some sleep?

Sleep? You want to have a sleep?

I'm just going to kind of like, I'm going to just like chill out here in the background, man.

I'm not going to sleep yet.

I'm just going to like lay down.

I got a really bad fever right now.

I don't feel good, man.

Oh, man.

Why don't you go take a shower, man?

That's the best thing for a fever.

Take a shower.

Take a big shit in the shower.

I am on fire, dude.

I am like hell.

That's the best thing.

My ears are burning, man.

Oh, man.

I hope it's not your heart attack.

The best thing to do when you touch a man's penis is take a shower.

Like three hours.

Well, I heard if you have one of those gay trisexual encounters that you have, that does piece in the subject.

So I will take your advice on that.

Do you think maybe you got something from the dirty guy that was trying to get you to touch his wang?

Maybe he had something in the...

Yeah, that was probably about a year and a half ago, man.

I think he just caught up to me.

Yeah.

You got airborne AIDS.

Yeah, whenever I sit down on the car seat, man, I think, you know, you're like permeated.

uh you know the material of my clothing yeah because he you know he sat on he went like that

so he got deep inside all right we got we got a pizza place already you want to call pizza pizza

already no actually i got one more story for milkman milkman story the other story oh yes here

we go i met another chick i never met her i just i was messaging her online and then um she tells

me she's a tranny when we were texting and i'm like oh my god and i just stopped texting her

And she had big tits.

That's the only reason I messaged her, though.

I thought she was a woman.

But anyways, the next morning, I get a phone call from a private number.

And, well, there's this girl I hang out with.

We'll just call her Tokyo.

This is Japanese.

Tokyo.

And I answer the phone.

I'm like, hello?

And she had woken me.

This was, like, 7 in the morning.

I had gone to bed at, like, 4.

And I'm like, hello?

and this tranny was whispering like this girl Tokyo whispers.

It sounded just like her.

I'm like, hey, is this Tokyo?

She's like, oh, yeah, baby, it's Tokyo.

And I proceeded to have phone sex because I'm into this other woman,

but obviously not the tranny.

And then once I put two and two together, I'm like, oh, my God,

and I just hung up the phone.

Okay, so how long were you whooping off?

How far did you go with her?

Maybe about 60 seconds.

What did it?

What made it so you figured out?

She called me Mark.

She called you the wrong name?

Yeah.

So if she would have never said a name, you would have jerked off to completion with a tranny.

Man, love is in the air at Madhouse this week.

I wish I could do that right now.

That's just weird.

That's the thing.

see uh what happened you already you had the bisexual experience and you just start attracting

that karma the gay karma well the tranny was first oh the tranny well see that's what happened

see that see what happened the tranny planted the seed in your mind and you might usually not

be even entertained uh you know deleting my profile oh yeah man you gotta start from scratch

and you gotta be like dude you're slipping man come on oh me and tokyo had a good conversation

yeah that's good i think i'm gonna be with her by the end of the year hell yeah man it's been

three years in the making they said it wouldn't last all right guys let's do some more prank

calls lonesome losers into his in the hizzy he's sending in wise guys wise guys bail bonds yeah

wise guy bail bonds here we go let's call some bail bonds how do bill bonds work i don't even

even know so you go to jail and they make a bail bond they pay your bail and you pay them back with

interest basically you pay 10 of it or whatever the bail bondsman like says you know yeah and

they keep that no matter what sweet how they make their money and if you skip on bill they come

shoot you john mcafee's still on run evil already i know you're glued to that story that's a crazy

story john mcafee john mcafee already you're a big movie fan or you know you always talk about

you like to maybe get into writing movies

and stuff. You got any

picks for the holidays for movies

out there? Movies that are coming out?

I actually just watched that movie, The Watch.

Okay, The Watch.

With Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. That shit was

fucking funny. There you go. Alright.

Did you see Skyfall? Yeah, that

was fucking crazy. Yeah, man.

Skyfall. Man, did you see

the new

Star Trek movie? You probably don't care, but

the trailer got released

today, man. It looks like

it might be uh kind of dope you never know i like jj you know a movie i just saw like a couple weeks

ago that was probably one of the top 10 movies i've ever seen the avengers no that one flight

with denzel no which one flight where he where he survives the plane flight the crashing or whatever

yeah uh because okay yeah i was i was curious but then it sounds a lot like uh what was that

that movie with uh uh unbroken not broken what was it you know the the movie with um oh fuck

with bruce willis yeah where he survived it mr yeah um unbreakable unbreakable unbreakable yeah

yeah it kind of reminded me of that all right so i'm a big denzel fan man so i gotta check that

out you gotta never seen a bad movie with him never you got a point he always he's he's one

won a hell of an actor man and he deserves i don't think he doesn't he's never won best actor

you know that i don't think he ever has no he has he came close he has but not for best actor though

i won this for supporting i think oh yeah he won for training day did he get best actor for

training day i don't know if it was best actor or best supporting actor uh no i think he would

if he would have won it for that it would have been best actor because the other guy

yeah uh would have been kind of both the main character kind of that's a good movie too man

Yeah, I just watched that for the first time like six months ago.

Yeah, that's a good...

I know Denzel Washington.

I don't know.

I know he was...

He really should have gotten it for the Malcolm X movie back in the 90s, but he was...

Yeah, I never saw that.

He wasn't...

He didn't have his feet into the game that much yet.

I'm looking.

Now I got to know, man.

Now you got me.

Denzel Washington.

Let's see.

Oscars.

Yeah, you're in flight.

You basically play as a complete drunk.

Pretty entertaining.

Okay.

All right.

right? John Goodman plays his

Coke dealer. I think, well,

his Coke dealer? Really?

Yeah, he was...

John Goodman in that movie was fucking

hilarious every scene.

I'm trying to think of John Goodman

being a Coke dealer. That'd be kind of cool.

Actually, I... He's like, you're a hero,

man!

Alright, let's continue with more pranks.

You said you don't want to call a pizza place,

you said, right? No, we gotta call

Planet Fitness. Planet Fitness?

All right.

One of the judgment-free zones is Jack Masterfield.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

We did talk about that.

All right.

Let's do that.

Let me find a planet fitness.

It's got to be on the West Coast, though, probably.

Well, they're usually open 24-7.

I think mine closes one near me.

All right.

You know, over by the Kmart?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Is there one over there now?

Yeah.

That's changed hands so many times, that spot.

I know.

Oh, geez.

It was like errands.

The Kmart's gone.

Well, we got a porch for sale.

How do you sell a porch?

it has rails and everything has been treated

okay, whatever

let's ask if there's been any monkeys on the porch

alright, cool

alright, porch for sale

your call has been forwarded to a

automatic voice message

alright, let's see

what else we got, kitchen table

for sale, not much for sale

the ones that are for sale, usually they answer

pretty quick

that sucks, anyway, we'll have to refresh

fresh that page later are there any hungry howies up in um pennsylvania no man no that's that's a

good place for a cheap pizza you know i'm saying i just got one earlier cajun crust oh yeah dollar

can't be hungry howies man it's a good value i know and it's always it always hits the spot

they're a howie bread the cheese howie bread with cheese oh my god that's just amazing when you're

high and you get some howie bread with cheese man i discovered that about a year ago i've been to

a hunger house i've been a hunger house at one in the morning on the weekend sometimes like stone

off of my mind they go open that late yeah yeah the one over there and the one over there uh my

hometown uh no no there's a hungry see i don't know there's a lot of stores here that i don't

know over there by the public's where the uh um oh where where the blockbuster used to be you know

what i'm talking about you mean um the blockbuster next to the walgreens no no we're totally off

never mind all right i'm like there's never been a hungry alley bear now talking about down further

down south uh all right other side of the tracks other side of the tracks yeah bombay bistro indian

restaurant let's try that thank you and we got lots of request to pranks also already and we

also got the i don't know if you heard earlier but there is a few resumes we got from people

who are looking for a job um someone placed a fake ad in the pay in uh craigslist for a donut

it store i think it'll be fucked up it'll be good it'll be good man hello this is bomb baby yes

order please for our indian food excuse me i'll make an order for indian food

yeah hello yeah i'm sorry i was eating something can i make an order please um what is your phone

number we will call you back hang on i have a new phone you got to give me a second to get

out of here okay excuse me give me a second damn it shit it's uh you ready phone number

that's me trying to be funny chewing food while doing a prank and it doesn't really work

sound like i was trying to trying to do a different take on jack uh are you gonna hear

i don't know if you've heard our hurricane sandy show there was a really good jack masterson call

on that man yeah i looked at the um archives you're really backed up yeah backed up what do

you mean well i i think the most recent one was from september no november so i think i'm down

this is uh i'm gonna be one month behind after tonight's show uh yeah and the thanksgiving show

was good so yeah i didn't really make it on thanksgiving did i no you didn't you missed

a dad uh lost his virginity you lost you lost you missed that story wait he was a virgin he

was a virgin yeah of course well i guess duh yeah hello you can't be an evil arty it's not like

you all that shit anyway here's another number a planet fitness already huh planet fitness yeah

am i doing this for you because you do it better all right cool all right thank you for calling

planet fitness to sean how can i help you yeah sean um i before i come in uh will you guys show

me around the machines and everything so i could i don't will you show me around the machines so i

can see everything yeah we can give you a tour um how long does the tour take um not that long

maybe three four minutes all right and then so you have free pizza there one one night a month

first monday of the month and where's the where you guys get the pizza from i'm not too i'm not

too sure i don't work uh i don't work on mondays but we do get it in it comes in between 5 30 to 6

30 and it's like all you can eat buffet uh i mean it's it's there are other people we we normally

just ask members to get one or two slices each because there are other members coming in as well

Oh, here's my, all right, so how much is the minimum for a one-month membership?

We don't have memberships for just minimum one month.

But, like, what's, like, how much is a membership?

How much?

It's $59 to start up and then $15 a month with a $30 annual fee.

That's our white card membership.

What's the white card mean?

That's just the title that we give it.

but the other membership is another white card membership.

It's $99 to start up, $10 a month with a $29 annual fee,

and that one's a 12-month commitment.

That one's a 12-month contract.

Oh, so you've got the white plan and the other white plan.

Yes, and then there's also the black card membership.

It's $39 to start up, $19.99 a month with a $39 annual fee.

I thought that was free to start up.

Oh, I'm thinking, so you're saying the cheapest I can get is like $59 is the cheapest startup fee?

Well, for the $15, what do you think?

What's the black people fitness card plan?

How much is that startup?

$39 startup, $19.99 a month.

So that's the cheapest one, the black one?

That's the black card membership.

It's cheaper than the white, okay, and the other white.

I understand.

That's just for the startup.

That one is also a 12-month commitment.

Oh, God.

All right, so for $39, then I'll be a member.

At that point, I'll get access.

I'll be an official member of the gym.

And then in three weeks, you'll have the free pizza?

Yes.

All right, so $39.

So then I can come back.

I can come now and put the down payment, $39.

And then I can come back next week.

The Blackheart membership, that one is a 12-month commitment.

That was a 12-month commitment. That was a 12-month contract.

Yeah, but the first time I could come in for pizza is I could come in for...

That was a 12-month commitment.

But when can I come in for pizza, then?

Like, what would be the first date I could come in for pizza? Next month, right?

Yeah.

Well, yes, what?

I didn't quite catch that.

So, on January 7th, I can come in and get pizza, right?

Yes, if you were to sign up.

All right, and it's all I can eat, so let's say I get at least $40 worth of pizza, and then I break even.

Well, sir, we do ask our members just to take one or two.

It's not really all-you-can-eat because there are about probably 200 members in here as well working out and going for pizza as well.

Yeah, but they're all working out.

They don't care.

I'm just in it for the pizza.

I see that you've got all-you-can-eat pizza once a month if you're a member.

so i'm just figuring if i can get you guys to go if i can and then after the first month it's 19 a

month 19 a month for 12 months hello yes i'm right here so it's 19 a month for 12 months after that

after that it'd be up to you if you want to continue your membership or um yeah uh yeah it

can be completely up to you so but it's 19 a month after that for that yeah there'll still be 1999 a

So for $19.99 a month, I can come in once a month and get all the pizza that I needed for the month.

Sir, like I said, we only ask our members to get one or two slices.

This isn't a buffet, if that's what you're looking for.

Well, I'm saying, I don't want to say anywhere that I can't have all the pizza that I want.

There's no rules on the contract.

Hold on one second, sir.

There's someone on the other line.

Can you just hold on one second?

Can you get a copy of the contract?

Yes, you do.

Just hold on one second.

Okay, thank you.

yeah man ralph ralph master jack masterson rather has a good point she'd be able to get all the

pizza he wants tonight there what what kind of gym already what kind of gym gives out free pizza

i know hello yeah hello hello yes so um i'm sorry we were um yeah like i said yeah i need

if you can find there's a part of the contract where it says that it's only two pieces for pizza

because that's not in there.

I'm looking at a copy of it online.

The corporate contract.

And it doesn't say that anywhere,

that it's only two slices of pizza.

Well, sir, it's also not saying that we are a buffet.

Well, if I take three pizzas,

that equals, that pays off the $19 right there.

And then I'll be out of your way.

I'll never come in and bother you guys.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You were saying you'd come in for unlimited pizza.

That's what you were saying.

Well, I mean...

You were saying for unlimited pizza.

Yeah, three slices, I mean, that's fine.

But so you were saying unlimited pizza.

You're saying, oh, it's like a buffet.

We are not that, sir.

Well, it's almost like it's unlimited pizza of the month club is what I'm seeing.

Once a month you get to come in and have a bunch of pizza and you just got to pay a monthly fee.

And you have tootsie rolls there also for free, right?

Yes.

Well, there you go.

And how many tootsie rolls are is the limit?

One piece?

That's it?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Sir,

this is this is where your conversation is taking to i really appreciate i'm thank you for

for calling and it's no judgment zone not what um no i was you know you're being you're talking

about food right now you you're being very judgmental against me and this is a no judgment

zone it says it on the contract sir i'm not being any i'm not being any type of judgmental i am

letting you know what we are and i'm letting you know the i'm just telling you um you were saying

unlimited pizza and that's where we not are i mean yes we do have um six year olds i mean if you

you want to take the whole thing go for it but um like i said there are other members who here

people try to be considerate and you know leave some for the other members when you start talking

about unlimited pizza and being a buffet that's when you know things that's not what we are so

um yeah uh well it's fresh pizza from five to seven you're saying there's fresh pizza yeah so

can i get can i leave at least leave my order for the pizzas ahead of time

No.

Like, can I tell you exactly what I want?

No.

Domino's has a gluten-free crust.

It's really good.

I'm pretty sure it is, sir, but we don't do that.

I'm sorry.

Oh, man.

All right.

Now, do you have a Lunk Alarm there?

Yes, we do.

All right.

Can you go hit that on yourself real quick?

No.

Thank you very much for calling.

You have a nice night.

You're being judgmental.

You know, Evil Artie, the Planet Fitness, has a big alarm called the Lunk Alarm.

Did you know that?

Lunk Alarm.

You're right.

All right, what kind of fucking gym gives out free pizza?

One looking for a fight with Jack Masterson when he wants to take five pizzas.

But think about it.

If you're paying $19 a month already, and you come in and you get three pizzas.

Let's say you get three Domino's large pizzas.

That's more than $19.99 a month, right?

If you do it once a month, that's more than $19.

There you go.

You made your profit.

That's what I would do if it was me.

I would use the gym all month.

but when it came to that i would i would take three pizzas off their little fucking table or

wherever they put it out like i don't know where they have a pizza station or something i will take

no i'm just i'm just saying it's it's a way that you know you can be more economical because it's

like you get free gym that that's you got that's a good that's a good tip right there join planet

fitness and then once a month just make sure you take as much pizza as it is you're paying for that

That month worth a gym membership.

I'm going to call him back as your lawyer.

All right, good.

Lunk alarm.

That's expensive, the startup fee.

They don't have a startup fee over here where I live.

It's cheaper than that.

What is it?

So much a month plus a yearly fee?

What the fuck?

I don't know.

They're not like that here.

PA.

Planet Fitness is cheap as fuck.

It's free.

It's $19.99 a month.

Hi, thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Sean Alcanopy.

Hi, this is Ralph Littlejohn.

I understand that you were just having a conversation with my client.

With your client?

I'm not aware of having a conversation with a client who...

He just called me hysterical because you were being judgmental with him?

I was being...

Was this the phone call that I just...

He was not being judgmental if that's what he was getting at.

Well, I'm his lawyer, and we are fixing the press charges on Planet Fitness, and you specifically?

Me specifically pressing charges for being judgmental?

Absolutely.

That is very good for the law, sir.

I mean, I know you're not a lawyer.

I mean, you're working at Planet Fitness.

You're obviously not a fucking lawyer.

You don't know these things.

Sir, please don't use that type of language with me.

What language?

I'm talking plain English.

This is enough.

What is enough?

I have no...

You're pressing charges against me for being judgmental?

Yeah.

My client has been judged over his weight for years and years.

He is 485 pounds, and he just wants to come in...

Sir, he called me over the phone.

How am I supposed to know that he is that...

Listen to me.

He wants to come into the goddamn gym so he can lose some weight and eat some fucking pizza.

I'm sorry.

He's really close to me.

Well, I'm sorry about that, sir.

But if you're going to speak to me in that type of language using those type of words,

I mean, it's more than happy you guys can come down and speak to me face-to-face.

But, you know, this is, I mean, your client was asking me if we were a buffet, if there was unlimited pizza.

I'm done with this conversation.

Thank you very much.

You have a nice night.

Well, you should get free pizza.

Your client was asking me if this was a buffet.

Call him back.

Planet Fitness buffet.

The Planet Fitness pizza buffet.

Fuck.

My favorite client at Planet Fitness is Sean Alkinopi.

Don't you hang up on me, you little fucking shit.

You there?

You better fucking listen to me.

I am going to come down there with the police.

He's gone.

Gone.

That was pretty funny, though.

Yeah, Planet Fitness, everybody.

All right.

He's obviously really sensitive.

He must be a woman.

Man.

You can't handle a couple F-bombs.

I know, right?

Zombie Potter was saying, can you put Tootsie Rolls on the pizza?

Or is there a limit to that?

Yeah, they got free Tootsie Rolls there, too.

Tootsie Rolls suck.

So lose some weight and eat some pizza.

You know, Tootsie Rolls suck.

Do you know that, man?

Don't you hate Tootsie Rolls?

I love Tootsie Rolls.

Fuck that.

They're not even chocolate.

They're like chocolate water candy.

You know what I tell my girlfriend all the time?

What?

I would do like a vanilla Tootsie Roll.

Vanilla Tootsie Roll.

All right.

My penis.

Are you going to spin her around?

Uh-huh.

There you go.

Cool.

All right, Carlito says,

Ken, we haven't heard any background music playing.

What is background music now?

In a half hour, we're going to call plans

of that same plan of fitness back to order a pizza.

Okay.

You order a pizza.

What do we order, please?

All right.

You're really low, Carlito.

Whatever, man.

I'm just trying to survive, man.

This is a pretty cool game.

Let's call some people that are applying for jobs.

Let's fuck with them.

a moment while i open up a resume here amanda big amanda she's an energetic girl named amanda one

she's an energetic individual seeking customer service opportunity which requires the use of

good interpersonal and communication skills within a customer's focus environment sounds

like it's a dating you want to um prank a black girl who just had a kid back in may

Yeah, man.

Who's that?

Your mammy?

She lives in the land.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, center.

She's worked at a health center.

Better on OJCupid.

She worked at a golf and country club.

Another golf course.

She's a golf course slut.

And she also worked at industrial roofing.

Crown Industrial Roofing.

Answered 10 lines, telephone call in a timely, courteous, and professional manner.

Ooh.

Wow.

That's awesome.

Hello.

Remember when you used the Ann Parlando set note to do pranks?

Dude, yeah, that's the thing.

That's what I want to do.

Now that I'm unemployed and I need to do that, I had some fun doing that shit, man.

Remember the guy that put me on speakerphone and I gave him shit?

I was like, am I on speakerphone?

He's like, he's my office and I put people on the speakerphone.

You don't like that?

He's like, have a nice day.

Have a nice day.

Oh, man.

You remember Soddy when I had you call the comic book guy?

The comic book store guy from where I grew up?

The best two, actually, are the Panty Dropper one and then the I Don't Live in New Smyrna.

I mean, I don't live in Smyrna.

Why does everyone like the Panty Dropper so much?

I think it's stupid.

Everyone loves that shit.

The Panty Dropper.

Milkman loves that call.

Like, Panty Dropper, Panty Dropper.

Whatever.

What was it anyway?

There was a guy with a mattress in the back of his truck.

It was called the Panty Dropper.

Yeah, yeah.

And then the one where he started rapping Tupac.

Oh, yeah, Hail Mary.

Come with me.

Hail Mary.

What is it?

Hello?

Yes, hi, is this Amanda?

Who's calling?

Hi, this is Cross.

I'm calling from...

You sent us a resume for a job?

Oh, hi.

I can hardly hear you.

Oh, do I sound better now?

Hang on, let me think.

I'm on one of those new things.

Hang on.

Okay, you sound so far away.

Oh, hang on.

There we go.

How's that work?

Is that better?

Yeah, that's better.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I had my Bluetooth on and I didn't.

So you want to sell donuts there, little lady?

Pardon?

Do you want to sell donuts, little lady?

Yeah, sure.

So what experience do you want to tell me about your experience?

Sorry, what's your name again?

This is Cross.

Cross?

Yes.

From Tim Hortons?

Yes.

Which location?

From the customer, the central location for several locations in this part of the country.

Oh, you normally call people at this time for a job interview?

We have an urgent need to fill a position for training tomorrow morning

and then to start working immediately.

It's $11.50 an hour.

Okay, and do you get benefits too?

You get benefits.

You get immediate medical benefits, of course,

and then you get the rest of your benefits after 30 days.

Oh, wow, that's great.

After your probationary period.

Okay.

So do you have money handling skills where you touch the money and everything?

Yeah, of course.

I was a supervisor.

Yeah?

Who do you know there?

I handled money all the time there.

What did you do?

What do you mean you handled money?

Well, we would have the restaurant, so we would have to cash customers out.

I would have to get change for different girls, like for the beverage carts or restaurants.

Yeah.

I did banquets.

Yeah?

So I handled money there, too.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah, I also worked at...

All right.

Oh, that's enough?

Yes.

So what was...

Same owner.

So you're involved in a thing, like that scene?

That's your thing?

Yeah, I was trying to get into, like, event management, but...

Yeah, it didn't work?

I was trying to go maybe a different way this time.

Oh, man.

All right, so then you worked at a roofing place, and you sound like a girl.

I mean, what did you do there?

there i was a receptionist there oh of course i just handled the phone calls directed them

oh that's so you did what you're supposed to do is that i'm sorry look i'm looking here it says

answering 10 lines telephone calls and in the timely courteous and professional manner right

well that's what you're supposed to do so i mean what's that supposed to mean to me like what does

that do for me like you know how to answer the phone dealing with customers so you know how to

answer the phone yes i know how to answer the phone all right and you know how to say hi hello

how are you yes of course all right so if i come great customer service let's say i come to you

and say i want i like some timbits right how would you interact i am customer i come in and

what do you how would you say how would you come to me what would you say well i would ask how many

which pack they would want and which flavors of donuts they would like very good very good and

And then, you know, not to touch your eyes when you're handling money because the money's dirty.

Right.

Okay, now let's say one of the customers says, hey, you're a nice-looking lady, you know,

and would you want to maybe talk to, come over here and have ice cream and coffee on the side?

And will you say yes or no?

I would say no, sorry, I can't.

I'm working right now.

Yeah, because looking at your work experience, it looks like you're a get-around, you know?

Um, I guess, if you want to put it that way.

How do you dress, usually?

I don't really think that's an appropriate question.

Well, no, I need to know if you're going to come dressed like a whore.

I need to know what's going on here.

Well, Tim Hortons has uniforms, so I don't think I would be dressing like a whore.

Yeah, but when you come in to pick up the uniform, how are you going to be dressed?

I would be dressed very professionally.

Okay, all right.

Do you wear glasses?

No, I don't wear glasses.

Okay, that's good.

That's cool.

Oh, you like to party and stuff?

I used to.

Yeah, you don't party anymore?

No.

Those days are over.

Oh, man, that sucks.

So we're looking for someone, you know, kind of, all right.

So, you know, there's a lot of partying that goes down at this store

that we're looking to bring you into.

I feel like this is a prank call.

No, no, there's a lot of partying that goes down here.

Oh, yeah, Tim Hortons?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, come on.

What else are we going to do?

Do we smoke a lot of pots?

Awesome.

Yeah.

The other day, I threw this big frozen bag of donut batter.

It comes frozen in a trash bag-sized bag, and I threw it at Artie.

At Artie?

Yeah, Artie.

He works here.

Who's Artie?

Artie.

He's this autistic kid that works here, and I threw it at him.

The bag exploded, and there was stuff all over the place.

Oh, that's not very nice.

He fell down, right, and then so he had to pass a drug test

because he fell down and he failed it.

So now we're looking to hire you.

But if we're going to bring you on the team, you've got to party.

You know, you can't be, you can't suck.

Okay, no problem.

All right, so what kind of things do you like to do?

Like, how, are you cool, like, smoking pinners and stuff?

Smoking dinners?

Pinners, you know, pinners.

Pinners, oh, yeah, for sure.

There you go.

Yeah, and what else, what else do you like?

Like, you've got to amaze me with something here about donuts or something.

There's got to be something, you know.

Tell me.

I don't know.

Oh, fuck you.

Whatever.

I don't know what else to do with that girl.

UK Godfather, what do you want, man?

Are you going to talk or are you just going to keep calling and hanging up?

I'm here.

You're a horrible person throwing batter at just the kids.

Yeah, right.

What do you want, Godfather?

Why do you keep calling and calling, man?

What is it?

What?

God.

Godfather's got something wrong with him, man.

And he keeps calling and hanging up, calling and hanging up.

Just stop, man.

I'm never going to put him back on.

That's it.

I'm done with UK Godfather.

He's out of here.

I want to talk to the Queen.

I don't want to.

I don't want to see him get on with Kate Middleton.

Kate Middleton in the hospital?

I think they're watching out for that now.

No, I'm sure we could get him again.

They're stupid.

They're British.

They're stupid.

They're only nurses.

They're not rocket scientists.

You got a point.

If they were smart, they'd be fucking doctors and shit.

If they were smart, they'd be men.

Here we go.

a Bombay restaurant.

That's so horrible. Bombay restaurant.

Here we go. Any plans for Christmas

there, Evil Artie? You gonna

have a Christmas tree in your house?

No, but my mom does. How come you don't

have a Christmas tree in your house? You don't like one?

You don't ever want one? Spend that money on pot.

What if your mom brought you one?

Yeah, I'd put it up. There you go. What if I

got you one? What if I told you I wanted to send you one?

I might try and return it and get money.

For pot.

hi i am cross i'd like to make an order for food

horse yes what do you like one chicken biryani okay one order chicken biryani

one spicy please one order chicken biryani spicy okay one tandoori raj one tandoori

what sir do you have tandoori raj we have tandoori item but the name you're asking

no we don't have that item tandoori chicken then do you have that we have tandoori chicken yes

Yes, we do have tandoori chicken, yes.

Two papadum?

One order of tandoori chicken, two order of papadum.

Yep.

Okay.

Let's see, do you have any, let's see here, chicken tikka masala, one of those?

Yes, sir, we do.

One of those, yeah, and that's it, that's it.

That's enough, that's too much food.

Want some rice, naan?

Some naan bread, yes.

Garlic naan?

Yeah, garlic naan, yeah.

How many garlic naan, sir?

Four, four.

Four garlic naan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about some rice?

No, no rice, no rice.

plain white rice fried rice nothing no no okay white rice then yeah one white rice two two white

rice yeah uh can you hold on one second please uh why why can you hold on just one second uh how

come nothing nothing sir oh okay nothing i just asked you to just hold on oh okay yeah i'll wait

Hold on.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Okay, and let me have your name, please.

My name is Cross.

How do you spell it, please?

C-R-O-S-S.

Yes.

It's 909-937-3673.

And Mr. Cross, how spicy would you like your meal?

medium please

not too much spices

not too much spices please

if you don't mind

I'd appreciate that

thank you

no problem

can I repeat your order

so that we know

what are you getting

oh yes

okay I got

two order of papadum

one order of chicken tandoori

one order of chicken bayani

one order of chicken tikka masala

four garlic naan

and two plain white rice

there you go

all right

okay it'll be ready

about in 25 minutes

okay

thank you

20 minutes

Bye-bye.

About 25 minutes.

25.

All right, then.

Bye.

What was the point of that?

Because in 20 minutes, I call and cancel it.

It's so bugged.

Now we'll do a Banchude call.

I think you need to put the fucking music off.

Good music.

Don't be an asshole.

Bah humbug.

When was the last time you went to church?

Was it your uncle's funeral?

Maybe Sunday, December.

How can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make an order for Banchude and Ulu.

You want an order to pick up?

Yep.

Okay, may I have your name and phone number, please?

My name is Ulu.

And your name and your phone number? I'm sorry.

909-937-1282.

One, two, eight. And your name?

This is Mr. Ulu.

Can you spell for me, please?

U-L-L-U.

U-L-U-L?

U-L-L-U.

Okay, I gotcha.

Okay, what would you like to order, sir?

One chicken biryani.

Okay.

One woman.

I'm sorry?

One woman.

One chicken biryani and what else?

One woman, you know?

You have?

No, I don't know.

You don't have woman there?

Excuse me?

You don't have woman to come to my house?

Or do I pick up woman for a few minutes to go to the bathroom with the woman?

No, you want order to pick up, right?

Yeah, but I want woman.

There's no woman.

There's Indian restaurant.

There's Indian food.

There's no woman there?

You're a woman.

Yeah, but you wanted food.

Yeah, I want food and woman.

No, there's only the food.

We don't serve the woman here.

Do you have sister or daughter?

No, we don't have no.

No. Hold on for a second.

They have mother. They don't have woman there.

Fucking guys. Milkman, you still here, sir?

Milkman's gone. Artie, you still here, sir?

Again.

Hey. Hello?

They picked up and mashed the buttons all rude and nasty.

What was that?

Indian foods.

Indian food, guy. Indian food.

Hey, let's do some more prank calls.

Yeah.

Where's Tuck?

Tuck doesn't like this show anymore.

Really?

Nope.

Did he grow a vagina?

Yep.

No, he drew himself a big vagina.

And he puts it in between his legs in the mirror when he's looking at himself in the mirror.

Speaking of that, you know the sounds of the land.

The sounds.

Goodbye, horses.

I'm happy.

Yes, hi.

Is this the KFC and Joe?

Joe, yes.

Yeah, how many pieces chicken come with dark only in the spaces?

We have a 12 piece and a 16.

And how many spaces come per piece?

I'm sorry?

How many spaces, stupid?

You have a 12-piece and a 6-piece that's all chicken drumstick and chicken thighs for me.

Yeah, all right.

And then if, let's say, someone gave me the wrong thing, how do I fix that?

I'm sorry?

How do I fix it if someone gave me the wrong thing?

Oh, you made an order earlier and they gave you the wrong order?

Yeah, yeah.

I got beef.

I'm sorry, sir.

Can I help you?

Do you have KFC there?

I called KFC and I made an order.

Then I went to McDonald's and picked it up.

Okay.

So what are we going to do now?

I'm sorry sir, I'm not

playing around here

I call you KFC

and I made an order and then I went to

McDonald's and I picked it up

ok so if you make an order at KFC, so what would you pick it up at

McDonald's? I know that's the confusion

that's the confusing part

I think the person I talked to told me to go pick it up

at McDonald's

ok, so what was your order at KFC?

I had a 16 piece all dark crispy

and 6

16 piece all dark?

yeah, just the meat

What time did you call earlier?

This is yesterday.

You called yesterday?

Did you order for today?

No, yesterday.

They picked it up yesterday, but you people told me to go to McDonald's.

And when I went to McDonald's, they said they didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

And I had to pay for hamburger.

Yeah, I had to pay for the hamburgers yesterday instead, the chicken.

Okay.

Because you sent me to the wrong place.

Did you know?

Who did you talk to yesterday, sir?

It was some girl.

She sent me to the wrong...

She told me to go pick this up at McDonald's.

And they said they didn't have fried chicken there.

Okay.

So what are we going to do about this?

How are we going to fix this?

You told me that you took an order at KFC and then they told you, someone told you to go pick it up at McDonald's?

Yeah, and then when I went there, they didn't have it.

You have the name of the employee?

No, it was a girl.

Who's the girl?

I heard a lot of girls that work here.

What's her name?

Tell me the name.

Hello?

Yeah, what's the name of the girls there?

I could tell you if you told me the name.

I'm sorry, sir.

Can I give you the name of the employee?

Okay.

So let's fix this.

I want you to make the 16-piece dark meat, and I'm going to come pick it up,

but I'm not paying for it.

It's not fair.

Because I ordered it yesterday.

Yeah, listen, that young man there said that I was supposed to go pick up my order somewhere else,

and when I got there, they didn't know what I was talking about.

They didn't have any fried chicken there, and I ended up having to buy hamburgers,

and now I'm calling to get my order straight out.

No, we need to get this fixed, because I need to get chicken.

And I'm sorry, who am I speaking with?

This is Cross, Mr. Cross, and I ordered chicken yesterday.

Okay, but let me check on the orders that I do have.

Look for all dark meat, all dark meat.

It's going to take a long time, and it's fucking stupid.

It's a fucking stupid idea.

I'm going to give a shit.

I'm going to take a break.

That's what I'm going to do.

You're staying on, Arnie.

You're going to drop.

You should drop, because...

Yeah, I'll stay there.

all right stay on that all right we got more resumes here for people who are looking for a

job at tim hortons i'm gonna take a break and we also got more numbers in guam we got uh uk numbers

coming up later i'm sure we got more indian places as well as an indian place uh arty that

we order food from that we have to cancel i'm excited about that don't forget that part man

that's gonna be good shit let's call it dead no i don't like dead you like that cat you like that

that cat the dead really he's just funny i like the dead the dead's a good kid

isn't he what in love with himself isn't he really intelligent oh yeah i think he said

in love with himself that too yeah anyway uh milkman will be back evil already will be back

carlita will be back in about five well i need about six minutes to be i got six minutes not

No, it's just five this week.

Six.

We'll be right back.

Thank you.

Yep.

It's going late.

Test the day I die.

I'm in here.

House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever make you who you are.

Wrong indeed.

It's called The Villages.

The Villages of Volusia County.

No, Lake County.

Lake County.

That's over there by Ocala or the horse.

The horse.

It's all the old people.

Hey Ken

How you doing Ken

Dude Artie

Who do we got with fantasy football

I didn't make the playoffs unfortunately

Well as usual

Wouldn't have been as usual

That was like third last year

That was actually fourth last year

Fuck yeah man

I think you got Ken

Who you playing man

I'm playing Dirty Aaron again

you beat him once already

I beat him twice already

Aaron has the best record in the league

though man

I've been on a fucking roll

yeah but dude what happened this week

you only got like 80 fucking points

did you see that already about Ken

you only got 80 fucking points

80 something 85

Mark Sanchez has zero fucking points

he's a piece of shit

no here's the correction

don't map Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is a piece of shit

That'd be zero points.

My kicker scored 18.

Come on now.

And I read today that they were still starting him.

He still has a starting job.

I'm about to release his ass here in a few minutes.

They benched him.

No, they're starting him.

He's starting next game.

Yeah, he's starting.

He came out today.

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

At first they said they were benching him, and then they came out and they started today.

They said, he's starting this week.

Whatever.

I don't get it.

Yes, and what team are you?

Thursday Night Teabaggers.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

But, yeah, I got a dirty Aaron again.

I just beat him about two weeks ago for the second time.

So you got to play him a third time.

Yeah, it's going to be fucking nuts.

I don't know.

So who is it now?

Who's up?

I guess it's Artie.

You're in the playoffs, Andy, Ken.

Artie's playing Zyklon, I believe.

Artie's got Zyklon.

Two-thirds of the league is in the playoffs.

What?

What happened?

Two-thirds of the league made the playoffs.

Yeah, because I wanted to, I don't know.

I thought it was going to be like, if you're in the loser's bracket, you really are a loser.

And I guess I fucking am.

I'm in the fucking loser's bracket.

Really bad, man.

Whatever, you know.

So be it.

So be it, dude.

Who are you playing?

The last time I played fucking Dirty Aaron, I only won by two points.

Who am I playing?

Who am I playing in the first round?

I got Eric, Atlanta Gators.

I play him, and whoever wins that basically wins the whole thing.

Well, no, then you got to play Rude Dogs.

I lost last week, so if you would have won, or I think Atlanta Gators won,

I would have been bumped out of the winner's bracket.

Yeah, well, had I won, Andy would have been bumped out.

So, fuck.

As far as points were concerned, I needed that win, and I ended up losing by 12 points.

Oh, well.

You know, so it's fucking...

What can you do?

You gotta thank Mike Vick.

I blame it all on Michael Vick, man.

All season.

Even when the Lions don't win, he at least gets you 40-some-odd points a fucking week.

well recently he has but not when i needed him i met when i needed him he was only getting but

he only got like 29 points once and 22 points once i think i know there was a game last week

he had gotten you a shitload he threw uh i think like 207 yards just to calvin johnson

yeah last week i think i got 59 points off of him or some shit like that yeah

yeah man whatever what can you do

You know I love him, I've been...

Who's that, what?

Artie, who do you love?

Adrian fucking Peterson.

Yeah.

210 yards this week.

He's having a good season.

I got a question.

Were you and Adrian Peterson touching legs?

Huh?

Were you guys touching legs?

Yeah, you were, faggot.

Yeah, um...

He got in the back of my cab, and he's like,

Hey, that's my big black penis.

Hey, faggot!

hey uh carlito i sent you a video on your uh fucking yahoo messenger for the next person

that tells you that they have a tracer oh okay i'll check that in a second you'll have to listen

to that it's fucking funny it's from uh the big hit or something like that where he's talking

about he's got a trace buster and a trace buster buster well that guy was funny he's like i'll go

yeah what model is it oh we're going to treasure all right let me cancel this indian order real

real quick here and we'll move on i'm exhausted no man that'll do it good evening yes i'm calling

to see about my order okay um can you give me now my name is mr cross okay okay 51 give me a second

right now so i will take it okay okay hello sir yeah uh you can come in like in 10 minutes so you

Do you need more time?

Is it going to take longer now?

Yeah, about five minutes.

All right.

I'm going to come back in ten minutes.

You better be ready.

No, I'm pretty sure that in five minutes it's going to be ready.

All right.

I hope so.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, okay.

Bye.

I'll call back again.

I'll call the place from last week.

Memory full.

Oh, no.

Memory full.

Hey, Carlito, I've got a fucking story for you.

All right.

went and uh ordered a fucking xbox 360 bundle for my son for christmas and shit yeah and uh one of

the games that comes with it it's at uh black ops call of duty or whatever yeah and uh so i'm

sitting here i'm like well i'm gonna take the xbox out i'm gonna get the downloads done get it all

updated just like you do anytime you get a new fucking system yeah so i do the update for the

game i'm sitting there i'm looking like what the fuck is this all in a different language i'm

sitting looking it's all spanish i'm like it's gotta be a place to fucking change the uh the

the language the setting like yeah i'm like fuck no there's not i grabbed the fucking gate the

fucking case i turn around to the back all spanish they sent me the fucking spanish version i'm like

you dumb motherfucker so i call them up they're like oh so you don't need the game and i'm like

um since nobody in my household speaks spanish i'm gonna go ahead and go with no no yeah i can't

understand what the fuck's happening yeah now they're trying to jerk me around trying to tell

me i gotta send the whole bundle back to them so they can resend me out a new bundle with the

correct game oh no fuck that send the game nah fuck that shit that's exactly what's it i'm like

they're like you're gonna have to call it xbox i believe i was like i didn't order for not from

xbox from microsoft i'm like no i ordered it from you i'm gonna deal with your dummies yeah exactly

no fuck that yeah i'm sitting there i'm like i didn't even know they made a spanish version of

is a black ops 2 or the first black ops uh black ops 2 black ops 2 the new one yeah it's a good

game it's pretty good man i must say i was quite surprised i was worried when it first came out

Arnie, you used to have a PS3, right?

You sold it for weed?

No, I sold it for pussy.

All right.

There you go.

Same thing.

Same difference.

Pussy that I didn't get.

You didn't get the pussy, but you didn't have a PS3 at the end, see?

You dummy.

You dumb-dumb.

I'm getting a new one for Christmas.

New pussy?

Hell yeah.

Oh, a new PS3.

Oh, man.

I'd rather have a new pussy.

I want Madden.

Dude, yeah.

Hey, we can play Madden.

I got my PS3.

We can play Madden, man.

You want to do that?

I'm on the internet.

I'm unemployed.

You fucking suck.

Get internet.

Why don't you get internet for Christmas?

Yeah, that's true.

I'm working on that shit.

That's some bullshit.

You don't got internet, man.

Shut up.

Let's see.

Let's call Charlie.

Okay, yeah.

Let's see what Big Zyklon's got going on.

Big Zyklon.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey.

So, by the way, I have heard some good new jokes.

Oh, yeah?

Racist jokes?

What's up?

Racist, bad collar.

Oh, but I do have a story, if you don't mind me breaking my normal rule.

Okay.

Go ahead.

ahead okay so somebody bought a used french rifle and i had to say this was never fired dropped once

guy that points at the stock it's got a gouge yes it was wait a minute oh yeah so i've heard

the joke before are you saying did they did you really sell a french rifle or you're just joking

that really happened no no someone else bought one someone else bought one and then you you

implemented the french rifle joke never shot once never what was it drop one never fired drop once

I was just giving the guy that bought it

It was a fellow employee

A little ribbing on the fact it was a French rifle

Was it not from Full Metal Jacket?

No

Never fired but only dropped once

That's like way before that

That's from World War II

Not the Doughboys, that's World War I

But the vets in World War II were saying that in France

They were like, oh, French rifle

Never fired, dropped once

Yeah

My grandfather thought it was a hilarious joke

joke it still is all right well it's anyway uh you want to oh did you get my uh request a prank

did you oh dude i've been slacking on request of pranks i have not really been looking at him

tonight let me go to that unfortunately it's probably too late to a call it's someone that's

been uh advertising for archery lessons oh shit man save it for like if uh you get jen jen the

perfect one for him yeah yeah i was talking to jen during a week and i forgot to mention to him

hey try to come on the show um i don't know hey real quick uh zyklon are you on the madhouse

website or did you see the countdown was it working correctly tonight like no i was saying

like six days something earlier when i was in chat yeah it's automatically resetting itself

but now i don't have to go in there and reset it each week and forget it um yeah the next show

will be then i guess that's what the whole thing is uh yeah and by the way you remember that uh

poo-poo video the ugandan poo-poo video yes i do yes sir why somebody did a a uh they mixed it up

to a mc hammers can't touch this okay all right cool all right i linked it in the chat like around

10 30 or so okay cool cool that's good i'll have to share that with jenny's a big fan of that

play that video down the line that i sent you it's gonna fucking crack a lot of people let me

let me grab that now because i'll forget let me do it now i got you over here uh youtube all right

so for the next person

that says they're tracing us

we should play this to them

alright

come on YouTube

UK Godfather here

hey

don't breathe into the mic

and shit man

did you really piss me off

hello UK Godfather

Milkman you here

you feeling alright

he's getting sick

I am too

I'm getting stuffed up

why does

what

why does Tim Tebow

like the national anthem

so much

why

because it's the only part

of the game

that he can't stand up

oh ok

alright listen

said that's funny here here's uh here's a video be quiet you ready to uh do it that's my word

we get this right fuck that whack ass no one wrote early all right all right my phone is

plugged into here this mother trace buster is gonna keep that motherfucker from uh uh

tracing our shit know what i'm saying and not only does this trace buster keep a buster from

tracing your call but it can also uh uh uh trace the motherfucker that's tracing your shit all

All right, so what if they got a Trace Buster, too, huh?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, that's why I got this Trace Buster Buster.

See, when a motherfucker try to bust your trace with a Trace Buster,

this motherfucker is going to bust the motherfucking Trace Buster.

That's busting, y'all.

Uh, uh.

All right, I'm going to use my cell phone.

Pass that shit over here.

What movie is that from?

That's weird.

Uh, The Big Hit.

I don't know.

The Big Hit, all right.

Oh, by the way, on the tracer.

You think a tracer can start B?

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's got Luke Diamond Phillips and Mark Wahlberg in it.

Mark Wahlberg's in that movie, too?

All right, cool, whatever.

All right, so let's do some more prank calls.

How's that sound?

It's been 10 minutes.

I'm getting the big sign here.

It's been 10 minutes.

It's called Bombay Back, about canceling that order.

I hope it's not the guy that answered the last time,

because he's still kind of...

Let me just talk to him.

Well, let me cancel the order first.

Hang on.

You wait.

Okay, yeah, you wait, so...

And then I'll, like, apologize for something.

Yeah, after we get upset and fight and argue with each other.

Oh, shit, milkman's off.

Totally.

Yes, was my order ready now?

My name is Cross.

I'm Mr. Cross.

Yes, sir, it's ready.

I want to cancel that.

You want to cancel it?

Yeah.

Okay, well, what we can do is you want to cancel it,

so because of the order, it's over, you know.

What?

What did you say?

Well, what we can do is you want to cancel it,

So what are you going to do with it?

What are you going to do with the food?

What are you going to do with it?

Well, if you look where we're sitting, like over there,

what are we going to do with that?

What?

Is it going to sit in the window?

We cannot sell it to somebody else.

We cannot sell it to you.

So what are you going to do?

Are you going to throw it away?

No, that is your question, so I can talk to you with my manager.

Oh, yeah, hurry up, because I don't need to talk to you, stupid.

Put the manager on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand, but I mean, I already told you, it's ready.

I don't care.

Put the manager on.

Yeah, it's ready, so that, I mean...

No.

No, I don't want it.

Put the manager on the phone.

Okay, if you'd like to come to pick it up, because it's already, I already told you,

it's already five minutes.

I talked to the manager first.

I want to talk to the manager first

before I come

hurry up

okay

good point

not yet that's now

that's now

I want to call the Steam Shark people again

oh hell we had so much fun

hell yeah man

that's the fucking closer call to Ben Chute

Steam Shark

let me call them and then try to tell them a really racist joke

joke or zappos zappos is always good for a laugh so i'll call the steam shark people and then just

start telling about my tranny story what what is this he was zyklon got zyklon already got

conned into jerking off with the tranny hello hello yes hi is this the manager yes sir okay

yeah my name is mr cross i put an order did i talk to you yes sir yeah i'm gonna cancel that

order i'm not gonna come get it what happened because i don't want to have this indian food

I don't think I'm going to like it.

Excuse me?

I don't think I like Indian people, Indian food.

I'm sorry, what did you say, sir?

That I don't like Indian people.

I don't think I'm going to like the Indian food either.

You don't like Indian people, you don't like Indian food.

That's why you don't like Indian food, because if you don't like Indian people,

then why do you like Indian people?

Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to like the Indian food.

I don't like Indian people, and I said maybe I'll like their food.

But then I started thinking about it, and my mom said,

He said, you know, if you don't like Indian people, you're probably not going to like Indian food.

I said, yeah, Mom, you're right.

So I don't think it's for me.

But what are you going to do with the food now, though?

What's your plan?

What else are you going to do?

You're going to throw it away now, or are you going to wait?

We're going to wait for you to have at least another half hour.

If you don't show up, we're going to throw it away.

Food is already made. Food is already ready.

But if you're going to throw away 30 minutes, let's say if I come in like an hour, can I have it?

I'm sorry?

Can I have it for free when you throw it away?

Why do you want it for free?

You don't like Indian people?

You don't like Indian food?

Why do you want to eat free Indian food?

Well, maybe just to try it.

Maybe I'll like it.

If you're going to eat free Indian food, you might going to get sick.

Well, I don't want to, you know, if you're going to have, you already have a bad feeling

about Indian people and you don't like Indian people.

That's what you're telling me.

Let me ask you something very quick.

Don't worry about the food, okay?

Hey, don't worry about the food.

Let me ask you, why you don't like Indian people?

Have you had a bad experience with Indian people or how?

Yeah, Indian people, they're assholes.

They're stupid jerks.

They're sister.

They sleep with their sister.

Bhenchod, they do.

Matrachud, Bhenchod.

I think it's totally opposite what you're thinking.

It's totally opposite what you're talking about Indian people.

This is exactly what about you guys.

Well, when I was working...

Thank you very much.

Don't even come show up to the restaurant, okay?

Okay, I'm going to buy.

I'm going to buy the food, okay?

It's true what I said.

Everything I said is true.

That took a while to get him upset.

Yeah, and to get transferred and everything.

Wasn't there like one guy that was like Indian Charlie?

There was one a few months ago, yeah.

Good evening, this is Bombay Restaurant.

Hi, is this Patel?

Patel?

Patel.

Pajal.

Who are you looking for, Pajal?

Uh, Ravi?

No, sir.

Who's the manager?

Montani.

Montani?

Montani, yes.

Montani.

Can you put him back on?

He's a little shit.

He's not available right here at this time, sir.

What?

If you'd like to.

He's not available right here at this time, but if you'd like...

But I was just talking to him.

I transferred the call for you.

That's what we did.

Okay, then put him back on, because I need to talk more with him.

Damn it.

Okay, give me a second.

Well, don't give me that attitude, please.

Hurry up, you little monkey.

Don't give me that attitude, son of a bitch.

He's taking a big shit out of the toilet.

Damn, the customer service at these places, that's hot shit.

That's why I don't like Indian people.

Monkey has an office.

I told you, monkey has an office.

Actually, I wonder if that guy's still working there.

The Burger King?

Burger King guy.

Yeah, that was funny.

Let's call that Burger King.

If I like Arnie's idea, we should call some of the old classics.

Hey, Ernie, were you aware that we did track down old fucking Ernie on Thanksgiving?

Yeah, we found him.

Ernie, the horse guy from Thanksgiving for the last two years,

we tracked him down, his personal cell phone.

He got pissed.

Yeah, hey, so, Ernie, who are you playing this week?

I think it's you and Zyklon, right?

No, I'm playing Lonesome.

Who do you got, Andy?

Be careful playing Lonesome.

He gets pretty pissed when he loses.

Oh, yeah.

Lonesome gets pissed.

Yeah, dude, I'm on a friggin' hot streak.

I'm on a five-game winning streak right now.

Lonesome's going down.

I won by 110 points last week.

Who'd you play?

Oh, yeah, you played Nitrous Cookie.

He's just backed in, dude.

The East is the shitty division this year.

Yeah, we got, yeah, East is the shitty division.

He's my ass.

Yeah.

Dude, but come on.

Ken, you know the games I lost were like by little slim margins.

I lost like one-point games, three-point games.

Look at bullshit, man.

I beat you.

Yeah, I have.

I have the most points from anyone in the league.

Hello, call Indian Food?

Yes, sir.

Your order's ready.

You want to go in and come pick it up?

The owner's not answering the phone right now.

Well, why won't he answer the phone?

I need to talk to him.

If we need to come to an agreement if I'm going to come pick it up.

If not, then I guess you're going to throw it away.

I don't know.

Well, the least I can do, I'm telling you, the order's ready.

You could have gone in and come in and paid for it.

Yeah, but I don't like Indian food.

Then why would you pay the order, sir?

I wasn't sure.

Sure. Then I realize I hate Indian people so much, I'm probably not going to like the food, you know?

Okay. Well, at least I can tell you right now, I'm telling you, you can go come in and pick up your food.

There's nothing I can do.

But how long until you throw it away? How long do I have?

Excuse me?

How long do I have until you throw it away? Huh? Well?

Sir, we'll be close at 10. You can go ahead and come in. We'll have the food ready for you.

And at 10 o'clock, you're going to throw it away in the trash? Well?

No, we're not.

You're not going to keep it?

Can I get it tomorrow?

We're not.

Why don't you go ahead and come in and come pick up your food?

Can I put a different order?

Can I change my line and get something different?

No, we don't do that, sir.

What do you mean?

You don't take order?

Okay, just...

No, no, we're not doing that, sir.

Sorry.

Why don't you go ahead and come in and pick up your food, please?

If you like to.

If not, that's fine.

Okay?

Okay.

Can you just save it?

Save it.

Put it in the refrigerator for me.

I'll come get it later.

I'll come tomorrow.

No, sorry about that.

No, tomorrow, I said.

Thank you.

Bye.

No, tomorrow, please.

Hold on.

Let's call him back and make an order.

I think we can push the first guy over the edge.

Hang on.

Let me call Charlie first, and then we'll call him.

Yeah, because we were making another order, man.

That's just funny.

Yeah, we don't know how to.

I'm going to order, like, me, too.

If you ask me, you know who I think is going to win the whole thing?

Fantasy football-wise, I think Zyklon's doing good late in the season.

and I think he might make a run.

Nah, I don't know about you already.

Well, you got AP, so...

Hello, Charlie?

Well, I think the thing is,

if I get loaned to him,

he's going to be pissed

because I traded...

The only thing I'm worried about is...

Charlie's not going through.

If they rest in that shop at the end,

I'm fucked.

Yeah, that's the thing.

They start resting, like,

some of the better players

get rest weeks that last week

and you get fucked right at the land of those.

And right at the end, yeah, it sucks.

Charlie, hey, listen.

hello yeah i'm calling about your audi q5 i'm calling about your audi q5 hello hello sir uh

i'm calling about your audi q7 your yeah that one there's a recall it's in the parking lot

it's a piece of shit hello sir hello sir yeah you have the audi q7 hello q7 you have the audi q7 in

in the parking lot yes yes yes okay now i live now okay get out of here and don't you come back

you hear me where are you now where are you now i'm driving you know i'm driving around

hey cross did you just hit that audi what maybe you want it i think sir are you now i'm outside

for where i'm driving in there i'm driving around i'm driving around on the street on the street

About, you got to keep walking.

Do you see me?

No, you're so...

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, who's this?

Yeah, this is he.

So, what can I help you?

You have the Audi Q7?

Audi Q, what's the Audi Q7?

Yeah.

How do you get this number, brother?

No, because you have the Audi Q7.

Do you need me to come bring it to you?

Well, hello?

Where do you get this number?

uh he charlie gave this me this phone number to me charlie give you your number who is this

what's your name this is cross

this is you don't have shown your phone number right here you know put charlie on stupid asshole

okay you know what stupid head lala kind you are one of the fucking stupid you

asshole fucking dickhead is that his son i think that's his son right he's got a son that speaks

It's got to be some relation, the way he was popping off.

Do you know why?

Hey, Carlito, is it your birthday today?

No.

Who said?

Scott said, under your name, he has a little present thing that says you turned 34.

Oh, it's because it's December 7th.

That's why.

That's my fake birthday.

Yeah, that's the only thing I keep.

Whenever I have to do something that requires you to put your birthday in,

I put December 7th, 1941, because it's like a date that I remember.

That's funny.

I've forgotten Charlie about Pearl Harbor.

Yeah, literally, there's tons of registrations out there that I've made

that say I'm 60-something years old, 70, 72.

Wow, man, 72 years since Pearl Harbor.

71.

71 years, yeah, 71 years since Pearl Harbor today.

I'm pretty sure Charlie was involved in it all.

Oh, shit, that's right.

Charlie's over there in Hawaii.

He's in Honolulu.

You should fucking accuse him of being a spy in Pearl Harbor.

He's a Chinese spy.

well that was

he was so confused

I think he like

left the poker game

it sounded like

he was playing poker

he was at a poker game

that's what it sounded like

I don't know

either that or

yeah he's probably

back in the kitchen

at the Honolulu Inn

fucking playing poker

he plays golf

like a motherfucker

apparently

he's got a bunch of

golf pictures of him

already

I don't know if you knew that

someone had found

his Facebook

and made a

he has a Facebook

well I guess

he has a personal Facebook

the arm found it

and we

and there was a

fake Facebook page for having him going around

for the Drew drop-in,

but it got shut down. Why?

Because some of the pictures

had, like, stupid shit. Like, there was

one that said he had a boner for his daughter

or something in the picture, the description

said daughter boner or

something. I don't know. Something like that.

He's out there playing fucking golf. He's got

his fucking pair of his shit on his

shoulder. But, yeah.

But the funny thing is he drives an Audi.

Already we found out through this Facebook thing.

he does he does he drives an audi q7 yeah so damn new new passed on the information that the audi

q5 has a recall and i was trying to give him shit about that but he ended up just getting all

confused i'm not putting look i'm not putting godfather i'm getting ready to block uk godfather

seriously he keeps trying to call in and he does nothing he blows on the fucking microphone and

makes noise i don't want to learn already did you hear about the whole episode where they uh

found out the information about Charlie's daughter

and then Carlito was telling him

that his daughter was in a Russian prison.

Yeah. Really?

His daughter got naked in a church or something

in Russia, I think I said, and

he believed it for a little while, and then when he

realized it was me, he started cursing.

Chinga tu male.

Chinga tu male way. I'm the one who found

his cell number. Yep.

You and the lonesome.

I'm mining a cigar. Give me a second.

Is it a cigar? Yep. A fancy cigar.

No, a tobacco cigar.

It's pretty fancy, though, man.

All right.

I'm going to look at the request to prank.

Sir Zyklon was saying he sent a request to prank.

Let's check on Milkman, though.

He dropped out.

I didn't call him back because I wanted him to rest.

But let me...

Because now I'm thinking maybe he might think I didn't want him on.

I think he's got that CPAP machine, like, attached to his balls right now.

Well, he said he can't use it if he's sick.

I think what he did is he threw it in reverse, so now it's in suction mode.

He should put it in his dick hole.

Yeah, let him sleep.

sleep milkman sleep well he's probably listening get better man i'm getting sick here too now fuck

anyway i'm tired as hell you want to go already you can go all right i've been up since seven

and i just ate a whole fucking pizza oh shit you get the itis well i finished the last three

slices in the last couple hours uh set a whole pizza then what are you talking about but i i

only got it like three hours ago what's he got the jack master jack master no me and arty were

what is it now? The

five sausage pizza? It's a fucking

bomb, man. Fuck.

You guys got to try it.

I heard that's something to eat with salami.

Salami, it's

tastes just like pepperoni, but it's like darker.

You know, Carlito,

you know the five salami

sausage or whatever there? I heard that's something

that Artie's into after that three-way.

Yeah, probably. That's why he started eating that.

You see, Artie?

How long until

after you eat that whole pizza, you take a shit

Toilet.

Yes, good point.

Hi, please send a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thank you.

Done.

Stupid.

Hey, Carlito, did you get my email over the week?

Email?

Maybe?

What was it about?

Carlito, Carlito said text.

Is that the right one or what?

Yeah, yeah.

What happened?

What happened with that?

What did you say?

Well, I was trying to email you like a link to my show or send you the MP3, but it was

too big.

I was drunk.

so what happened i was drunk on on the air with you last saturday yeah man you know do you know

yeah so aaron you were doing a show with mpsa cobra and i connected and i was really drunk like

i was i was you were really fucking drunk it was actually hilarious like you got up in the middle

of the call to go throw up in the toilet yeah and then we thought you died yeah all i heard

i heard like somebody jump up and it sounded like some pens fell on the ground and i was like what

What the fuck was that?

No, no pants.

No pants fell on the ground.

So Carlito was fucking blotto, huh?

Yeah, dude, I threw up.

And then I think I sat on the bathroom floor with wine vomit all over me.

And then I got up and I came back to the chair.

Then I come back and I said, yeah, I just threw up.

Yeah, you came back.

And the funny thing was is you're like, what the?

Like you couldn't figure out there was an echo, but you're playing the stream?

on let me see if i can uh i've

I've got the one.

Hang on.

I think I can play that.

Yeah, play that.

I sent you an email.

Yeah, you sent me an email with it.

Tell the salami story before I go to bed.

The what?

Oh, what?

I want to hear it again.

Well, I was ordering a pizza today, and then this lady, I ordered salami on it on the Domino's website.

And what happened?

They called me.

Yeah, the girl called me, and she left a voicemail saying, we're out of salami.

So we want to know if you want pepperoni or something else.

and i was talking to artie on the phone at the time so when i clicked over you know i didn't

get to the time anyway so i heard the voicemail and i called her back and i was like yeah you

called me about your salami and she's like uh yeah but we actually found our salami and it's

on your pizza and it's on the way i'm like oh you lost your salami and she started laughing

she's like yeah i said where'd you find your salami it's like oh it was in it was in the

the back and i said as and i said you had your salami in the back and that was already wasn't

that funny it came across funnier when i said i thought it was funny i don't know i was flirting

with the girl it was more flirting i was more flirtatious flirtatious i wasn't you know trying

to make a joke did she sound hot yeah she said but you know the girls up here in pennsylvania

aren't that they're probably biggest jack masters thing because she works at the pizza place

nah i don't think so you'll scare the customers away you know the girls in the girls in

Pennsylvania probably aren't that hot, but, you know, they're not fucking trainy, phone-sex jack-off hot.

Right, yeah, or they don't have husbands that want you to come and jerk off with their shit like that, you know?

That's the other thing.

They move some furniture for them.

Dude, Aaron, what email did you send it from, Aaron?

I'm looking here.

Volkswagen, Aaron.

Let me see.

Let me try Volks.

Sam still baffled that Planet Fitness has a pizza day.

Yeah, and the Tootsie Rolls.

Don't forget the Tootsie Rolls, man.

Here we go.

The Brent Westwood Show Drunk Carlos, apparently.

Didn't I have a prank where I said I was Carlos on your show?

Yeah, you're like, fucking Carlitos not here.

Fucking Carlos.

So what we were doing is we were calling Red Robin because they had the gin and burger.

And we told them it was racist because people, Puerto Ricans, wouldn't get to go on them.

That's right.

You busted in a few times with some choice

Screaming at them and such

But I got like a couple

Hours of it so

Cool here let's listen to me drunk on Saturday

Hey is the echo gone

Yep it was gone that wasn't my fault

The whole time

Was it your fault

Yeah it was my fault

What do you mean

I was playing a stream

I'm sorry

When I got up to go throw out by

I decided to play the stream.

Yeah, I'm going to turn it off.

I got to get to sleep.

See you, Artie.

I was going to ask you that, but I figured that you're the expert and everything.

Yeah, I figured it out now.

Okay, good.

That's okay.

Yeah, well, maybe when you're less drunk,

you can help me figure out why I have to enter the fucking encoder every single time.

Maybe when you're less drunk.

Very nice, Aaron.

Yeah, you're recording like...

I just noticed that you're on the left side,

and I'm on the right side the whole time.

So you can only hear one side of that on Skype.

Oh, on Skype.

So the people on the stream can hear it, but we can't.

Yeah, on the stream they were hearing both sides,

but you were only hearing the left side.

That's right.

Because my Skype input's a mono input.

Anyway, let's see here.

Big Baz says the Morning Sun Ranch.

What's this now?

Morning Sun Ranch in Australia.

Carlito, who was the 909 number?

I don't know.

Where'd that come from?

What was that?

I don't know.

They just hung up.

They've been hanging on the line all this time.

909.

Who would I have called from 909?

Oh, man, I don't know.

I wonder how long.

I just noticed the hang-up.

How long were they connected for?

like minutes they've been on for like the last i'd say 10 minutes oh that's that's the indian

place the the one that i said i was gonna cancel the they they heard i think they heard a prank

and everything they heard me talk to charlie they might have these motherfuckers these bastards hey

let's call england all right hey let's call about the royal baby there's a little baby coming it's

It's going to be so cute.

I'm so excited.

So how do I send you?

Do I have to, like, condense the MP3 files down to, like?

Well, that's a Gmail thing.

Gmail doesn't like you, anyone sending in large MP3s and stuff.

You got to, fuck, you got to post them somewhere, man.

You got to Dropbox.

Dropbox is the way to go.

You got to get Dropbox.

Okay.

I'll work that out.

Yeah, get Dropbox, and then you upload them on your Dropbox,

and you'll get a link that you can share with people.

Got it.

That's the way to do it.

And then you got to get, like, a hosting account or something for your show.

Okay.

you know make a website or something i don't know if you if you take it that far i think you should

man you do pretty good when you have a show i was supposed to come out and fucking help you

with numbers i totally fucking forgot about it yeah so the next i want to advertise a little

bit the next show is going to be on the 22nd for sure so put that down nice holiday show very good

idea yeah i'll be right before the holiday i can stay up super late and uh i got i have a list of

ideas um to do so that's cool that's cool how's everything else going there uh aaron you doing

all ready for the holiday you have kids right where you got one kid just one right i have two

kids a eight-year-old and a four-year-old oh that's fun that's i was a little late because

we had an episode at the restaurant i i got a question for you dirty how how bad is it going

to be to explain to your two kids after sunday when i beat your ass fancy football and you're

out of the playoffs.

That's going to suck.

That's like a 65-point spread on you

though right now. I think that's because

they just are going to start counting

Big Ben's points because he was out

up until today. Now he's starting.

Ah, shit. Well, but still

Ben Roethlisberger, after coming

off of two weeks for the concussion

Was it a concussion?

It was a shoulder and rib injury.

I thought it was a concussion.

Michael Vick had the concussion. He had like a dislocated

dislocated rib and a fucking shoulder injury and they said if he played with that dislocated rib

he could possibly die yeah what's going on the backer with mike mike vick like did he really

get that rung up that fucked up and that one hit that he's because the like the week after was

saying he could the guy couldn't even fucking drive yet two weeks ago they were saying he

couldn't drive a car the guy that replaced him foals whatever he got my fucking deshaun jackson

killed he's on injury reserve now yeah i i had that that was the only quarterback available

available because uh uh alex smith is fucking out for uh san francisco yeah i had i was i picked up

charlie batch who was covering for uh rothlisberger but uh he is no longer starting they've got big

ben back in so i am uh down a quarterback i i give up i give up schedule for the playoffs

how is it where's the front ladder i can't find it on the website going to standings three weeks

Yeah, well, the playoffs are three a week, so it's one game per week.

So basically, you know, if you win, you advance to the next one,

and then, you know, so you've got to win three games in a row here

to win the whole thing, basically, right?

One, two, three, yep.

You've got to win three games in a row, and I forget who you're up against again.

I keep forgetting who's up against who.

He's up against me, that motherfucker.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

Is this the first week of playoffs right now?

Yeah, first week is this week, yep.

Started today, technically started today, I guess.

All right, let's call England.

I'm calling for lucky number three on you.

It's not going to happen.

Lucky number England.

How about that?

I'm taking a shit cut right now.

No, because that'll please Nuju.

Don't be calling the UK and shit.

Come on.

That'll make him happy.

Call some UK hostels.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Is this Clifford?

Is that Clifford?

Yeah.

Who's calling to speak to her?

Yeah, this is Cross.

Yeah, but I need to speak to Clifford

because we have a problem here with the requests that Clifford made.

It's not going to work out, all right?

No, it's not going to work out, mate.

Come on, get up.

Don't do that.

Come on.

I'm a fucking guy.

I went in unarmed.

I was thinking, isn't there a big dog named Clifford?

Big red dog?

Yeah.

Maybe they know.

Yep.

That's what I expected.

We got G Clifford instead.

Call them.

And Ken, what do you got?

A kid, right?

Ken, don't you have a boy?

One boy?

Something like that.

Ken?

He must be pooping.

I guess so.

Hello?

No go.

though it's been kind of a weak show for me tonight not ashamed to say that not ashamed to

say i might i might uh wrap it up quick as a matter of fact that's how weak it's been uh but

before i do that i will still try to get fucking uh some requester pranks out of the way rapid fire

wise let's do it uh i just i can't breathe i don't know why i just can't can't fucking i'm

not enjoying my cigar at all because i'm getting stuffed up i'm going to open this one up for

carlito here yeah past blue ribbon there you go that coke there you go just a moment while i

i switch google accounts and i'll be able to see the request of pranks hey dirty were you listening

earlier when uh uh arty was talking about his latrini account no i was uh that's good

essentially he was having a fucking phone sex tranny yeah for about 60 seconds where he realized

it wasn't his uh long time girlfriend not girlfriend girl that he's always talking to

he said he said tokyo he said that name before he said tasha before a thousand times on the air

i don't know what he's trying to hide then something about he banged out a three-way and

uh carlito was questioning him about if they were touching well they were touching i don't know why

he met a girl online who said she was married and wanted him to come over so they could snuggle

together in bed so he went over to the girl's house knowing that she's married and the guy

wanted in on it so she started giving him head in the bed and the fucking guy was there jerking

off watching the whole time and he doesn't think that's uh kind of borderline gay he thinks that's

what he's like what was i supposed to do what do you say what am i supposed to do turn down the the

brain like yeah man i'm down with it i'm good you never know if the guy was actually fucking

looking at him jerking that's what i think it was happening then he starts freaking out if you ask

him if they were touching you we didn't touch legs no no no he said they touched legs he's saying that

now. He slipped up and he said

that. He said they were touching legs at some point.

And he said that...

Roger the Toss-Up.

Roger has a 2003 Acura.

I think it may have went a little further than

Artie wants to admit. I think they've started

brushing balls together.

He probably had his blindfold on and then they had

he was actually getting head from the man.

Well, there was a little DP going on, I think,

if you ask me. That's what I think.

A little bit of DP and that's gay.

That reminds me of

the call that we made on saturday because you just started going off you're like i want a

titty fuck you're like i want a titty fuck a bitch and then so we called this personal number

it was like the personal section that i got from somebody who's giving me numbers and

it was in and i ended up getting threatened with a gun from the husband for asking for a titty fuck

oh that's stupid did you get another fucking 357 to the dick hole fucking threat is that what

hip like that nine millimeter i think is what he said that's the way to go nine millimeter i want

to hear that i want to hear that shit dude totally uh d12 m&m just sent me a place to drop the shit

so i'll uh i'll drop it in this file mob or whatever yeah and then i'll uh post a link in the

uh uh forum yeah for sure and we can even actually if you want fuck if you put if you want i'll even

even upload it to the madhouse site under like a little mini section for you just of your your show

or your pranks yeah that way you get so if you have a link you can just do it there yeah yeah

yeah if you give me a link i'll grab and i'll put it up there for you i don't have and that way

more people can get to it um until until you start you know maybe down the road you'll get

your own website or something yeah do your own thing yeah and then you can take over well i

I appreciate the help, and I also, I was like five podcasts behind.

Right.

So I've been catching up in those, and I noticed I made it into the intro and even into the description.

Man, I've got to get those podcasts caught up, man.

I've been doing so much.

I've been doing little projects.

I put up a bunch of furniture and stuff.

I noticed the one podcast that's up, The Horse Thief.

Carlito threw me in on that one.

Big Agnes Horse Thief.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That was the weirdest product, man.

weird fucking product

alright look Lysol sent in another

number here for Rick Rick Stafford

Ogden is a southern FNAT

guy who was kicked out for not

being smart enough

okay oh he was

there was a Mensa room on FNAT

I didn't know that anyway

fuck my shit

we need to call for a bail bond place and get Lysol

bailed out of jail

fuck man Lysol is going to kick our ass

I imagine Lysol going around like Biff Tandon

Brandon beating up a cross.

Is it a cross that he beats up?

Fuck.

The whole story when we called Rosecrans KFC down.

No, what did I call it?

Pizza place?

Something like that?

Anyway, in the meantime, this is Rick.

All right, I'll be right back.

All right, we'll be right here.

Hello?

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message.

Bullshit.

So, now it's just me and Ken.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Let's see if Serena wants to talk about her job application.

she created her resume and pdf that's stupid bitch like she's special you're supposed to

resumes are supposed to be in word docs only that i know of yeah because if you go and apply on most

uh sites and stuff they want them in doc format if you want to submit them doc or doc x yeah fuck

that's some bullshit right there i know because i'm looking for work right now i'm on unemployment

chilling chilling any more weeks before we start calling your former employer i'm trying to work

Work something out with him when I start working again soon.

Hopefully not.

I really want to take a break.

I actually had an interview Monday, and I kind of just didn't take it seriously.

To be honest with you, I still want a break.

Hello.

All right.

No job for you, Big Serena.

That fucking voice greeting is a little too creepy for me.

Hello.

Stephanie is the last of these who's applied in Canada for a job at Tim Hortons.

Another good point to run across

When you're trying to fuck with her

Is ask her her fucking bra size

Then she asks why

I say well it's so we get the right size shirt for you

Yeah I think that's for the uniform

We need to know her bra size

There you go

Hello the person you are calling

Has bell call privacy service

And does not accept calls from private or unknown numbers

Please stay on the line to continue

To have your call completed

Hello, we are not available now.

Please leave your name and phone number after.

Sorry, Brad.

I sat on those resumes for too long.

But I got one of them to go through because I called it early enough.

Got more requests for pranks here.

More numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser.

Also, don't worry.

Don't panic.

We got a few more chances for pranks for the night ends here.

I was going to panic.

Don't panic, man.

Shane sent in a number for Big Deb.

He wants me to pretend to be her boyfriend, pretend her boyfriend drank with me when we were out on motorcycles a few months ago and wanted to have a three-way.

She's blonde, curly hair, has a bike.

Her boyfriend's name is Dan.

All right, here we go.

Let's do it.

But change the story around.

Your name is Artie, and the three-way does not involve her.

Nope.

It's me, my sock puppet, and her husband.

My stiff socks.

enjoy this verizon ringback tone while your party is free oh thank you hi this is debbie sorry i

miss you happy to be your name and number me too me too sorry next should skew the fucking

porn music on her on the left or a nice little voicemail next time you gotta remind me early

before i hit that button sir preferably a female he's a horny old man that we got here always

pilled out his name is johnny johnny burris always pilled out see if we can get him angry or

something because there's no women here that i know of nope nope ken i was asking you before

you have one son right you don't have any other kids you just got a boy yeah just got a boy you

guys play baseball no he does no not me no he pretty much does all the same sports and shit

that i did when i was younger that's cool archery badminton hello johnny hey hey hey did you want

to meet up with my girl she's says that you were down a party this weekend do what now my girl

girl wants to know if you want to party what are you talking about my girl my girl stacy she wants

to know if you wanted a party i but like we have an open relationship so you could come over and

party with her if you want she said to give you a call first before anything do you get the right

number yes i'm johnny johnny yeah johnny burrs who am i speaking with oh this is cross my girl

stacy she says she knows you that maybe you want to come over and you have you know have sex with

and I can watch?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, would you do that?

Like, would you fuck my wife and let me watch?

Say it again now?

Would you fuck my wife and let me watch?

I've never even thought of such a thing in my life.

Well, have you thought of fuck?

Say it again?

Have you thought of fuck?

Have you thought of fuck before?

No, I like making love to a woman, not fucking them.

All right, so do you want to make love then and I can watch?

I'll put air.

I'm glad you might get excited.

I'll put my wife, Ken, on the line.

He'll let you know what's up.

Ken?

Hey.

Who?

Because that's the guy we're going to fuck.

He, he, he.

Who?

Yeah, he heard.

He's like, wait a minute, Ken, that was a...

Call her back.

Let me fuck.

We talked again.

Ken's a man's name, man.

I don't do that, man.

All right, here we go.

Come on, dial, bitch.

Oh, Skype is Skyping it up.

We also got a number here for a strip club.

what's it say there busy no answer what did it say let me try again busy i think he left it off

the hook this is an old man senile senile old man i think he scared him another rama could get a

call mill a knife for a threesome you know that happens sometimes sometimes that's before the

internet man that's how people used to hook up just you know he's all sitting there he's like

you got the right number i'm johnny i'm johnny i used to live in this town and they said you

You know, you always meet, like, this is a restroom, something like that.

Yeah.

Restroom, like, at this local park.

Where you talk?

Like, Saturday night.

That was a big joke.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's what Artie did.

Yeah, I showed up there and nobody came.

If you want to contact that fitness place and do some toe tapping in the sauna.

There you go.

Should I redo Skype?

Is it fucking up on you guys?

Is it choppy?

It's choppy a little bit.

It's about as normal as it is.

Let me try redoing it.

Give me a second.

I'm going to reconnect.

All right, I'm going to reconnect them in a second.

getting in the meantime oh man i'm getting sicker and sicker gotta take some uh uh fucking vitamins

tonight before i go to sleep not doing good anyway i know it's a week show tonight guys

doing the best i can we've had several good shows in the last few weeks but

unless you heard them live you haven't heard them because i've been behind my editing machine

all right big dirties here wait for big ken he should be reconnecting penis all day man

Man, what's that frequency, Kenneth?

It's like the mother of the mouth.

No, it's 64 megabytes per second at 24 kilohertz.

I got that shit memorized.

You have to enter it every fucking time.

You got to edit each time.

I got to enter it every time in the fucking encoder.

That doesn't make any sense why that happens, dog.

I don't know.

I know.

I'm going to need to hook up with you before the 22nd to get that.

The audio quality of the show sounds like shit because I have to just use my speakers.

Oh, man.

You need a Chromebook.

Hey, let's call Clifford Addy.

There we go.

There's an England number.

You want to do it, Brent?

Yeah, what's the name?

It's in the chat.

Clifford Addy.

There's a list in the chat.

Swoopied.

Clifford Addy.

Welcome to voicemail.

Oh, boy.

The person you have called is unavailable.

I think this is going to be the last three calls I do, because I am...

What the fuck is it with people tonight not picking their phones up?

Yeah, not a lot of pickups tonight, and I feel like shit.

Clifford.

Cool Rob has messaged me, wondering why he got banned from ARC.

I have no...

Cool Rob got banned from the ARC?

Why?

The number's in the chat multiple times.

Uh, it's an accident.

Don't do it, Cool Rob.

Let him back in.

You told him to do it, and then he fucking did it again.

Well, Cool Rob, I don't know.

I banned him, matter of fact, fucker.

Hello?

Clifford?

Pick up the phone, motherfucker.

Yeah, fuck him.

I'll leave him on.

Big red fucking dog.

I'll leave him on while we do the next one.

Another Clifford.

It's Jay Ross.

Yep.

Hello?

Hello, Clifford?

Who is it?

Yeah, hey there. This is Brent?

No, wrong number.

Oh, this is Brent. Hey, Rostron. Is that you? Hey, bitch.

All right, we'll call her back. We'll call her back for being a bitch. That's why.

Yeah, why don't you take a little more time to hang up that phone number, bitch?

Uh, this guy's being gay.

No, I think that's Ken. He's gay.

Ken, don't be gay.

Who is it?

Yeah, this is Brent. What happened? Why did you hang up the phone on me, bitch?

Who is it?

This is Brent.

Who is it? You got the wrong number.

No, I don't. This is Brent. This is Clifford.

You got the wrong number.

Listen, you stupid bitch, I dialed the number.

Oh, man.

I think it's a Skype problem at this point.

I'm going to try the other Clifford.

Yeah.

I got a plan to fix this stuff.

You got the wrong number.

Why doesn't...

Fucking what's his name?

That saucy...

Why wouldn't he let his voice...

Is that Clifford Stevenson?

Hello?

Yes?

Can anybody fucking hear me?

This is Clifford.

Clifford.

She wants to talk to you both.

Clifford.

Yes?

Listen, motherfucker.

Motherfuckers, speak up when I talk to you.

Look, you don't really sound like a Clifford lady.

Where's Clifford?

When you want to talk to him, man.

Come on.

Speak up.

Put the man on the phone.

Put your mouth into the phone.

Jesus Christ, what's wrong with these people?

I don't know.

I give up for the night.

Hey, guys, thanks for being on.

They're from the fucking UK.

That's a problem.

No fluoride in the water fucks up in your brain.

That's what it is.

No, no, no.

You don't fucking talk to us.

Anyway.

What do you get for listening to Noonoo?

All right, I'm going to disconnect here.

See you guys.

Bye.

Aaron, bye, Ken.

See ya.

All right, everybody.

Oh, man.

I'm going to go blow my nose for like five minutes is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take some shit from my nasal passages, you know.

I'm going to get some camphor oil on my nose.

Something like that.

I got to do something.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for hanging in there.

This has been Madhouse Radio for November 6th into November 7th.

December.

December 6th.

December 6th into December 7th.

I've been your host, Carlito.

more podcasts coming soon

and uh yeah

keep going to

madhouselive.com

y'all have a good week

good weekend

whatever

catch you here next week

bye

Calls (24, 56 min of 2 h 25 min)

Transcript

Comments 0