Madhouse LIVE Christmas Eve

from sony and play-doh and legos and skates and a pony that's all that i want and this year i've

been good so please fill t-minus 50 seconds the vehicle now pressurized and the vehicle is go

as is the spacecraft at this time coming up on the 40 second mark t-minus 40 seconds and counting

t-minus 40 all reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time all aspects of the

mission go t minus 30 seconds and counting we'll get ignition of those eight engines in the first

stage at the three second mark in the countdown t minus 50 seconds the vehicle now pressurized

and the vehicle is go as is the spacecraft at this time coming up on the 40 second mark t minus 40

seconds and counting t minus 40 all reports look good from here in the block house at this time

all aspects of the mission go t minus 30 seconds and counting we'll get ignition of those eight

engines in the first stage at the three second mark in the countdown now t-minus 21 seconds

and counting we have completed our power transfer the saturn 1v1 vehicle which now weighs 1.3

million pounds is ready to go coming up on the 10 second mark 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 we have ignition

five seconds we're here we're here we are yes it's us it's uh who's here i forget already it's me

i'm here that's probably i'm rbcp um i'm guess i'm co-hosting hosting co-hosting you're hosting

co-hosting milkman's here he's in the background he's just he's uh gonna be quiet for the majority

of the night yes hermanito and brad man happy holidays everybody man just wanted to say that

before we got too far along you too sir holidays today is that today it is christmas yay big

fucking deal um i say we dispense with the pleasantries and just get to the prank calls

because we're like way past the time we were supposed to start we're doing gin flaked out

gin uh he got a hair up his ass and say he didn't want to you know be around i guess i don't know

what was his excuse that i didn't i didn't email him back within 30 minutes so he i don't know i

I don't know.

Oh, no, the truth is he's got pain in his arm, man.

He's got a lot of pain in his arm for all the archery work he's been doing

ever since that guy, you know, was nearly killed.

I'm pissed off at him is what it is.

I'm really pissed off at him, man.

Seriously, if you guys see Jen around, tell him I'm disappointed in him

over the whole thing.

He was the one, he came out and said,

I'm going to host a show and Crowley, all you got to do is write Skype.

I'll tell you what, let's agree that he has a match.

Brad, how are you doing?

You're good?

Oh, super.

Merry Christmas to you, sir.

You too.

I don't celebrate Christmas, so please don't say that again.

Okay.

Happy holidays.

I'm just kidding.

Whatever you celebrate.

Just kidding.

You don't celebrate anything.

I bet you got a bunch of Christmas presents this year.

I bet you didn't have a problem opening those.

Hell yeah.

Oh, man.

Man, all the pills.

Pills are great.

All right.

We're going to do pranks.

Do you got a bunch of portrait studio?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

I called two portrait studios.

I guess I shouldn't say what state.

but um the first one gave me like 21 numbers the second one gave me like 12 numbers so we got a

bunch that's 33 i did that in my head yeah very good on the fly wow man rain man hey and then we

also let's see lonesome ascending numbers i think brad he has sent in a bunch of indian restaurants

which are definitely open because they're not christian they just believe in buddha and buddha

doesn't have a birthday so we got that i let me see what else he's sent here he's uh writing

lessons for horses also he sent in a few numbers i i put them in the skype chat there um i'll

handle the dialing okay i can do that so you don't have to waste your credits uh do you want

to do uh some portrait studios first or should we do the uh restaurants what do you think

well just so you know i haven't confirmed any of the portrait studios so they could be bad

numbers they could be just not answering because they're busy with christmas be a dry run okay well

um yeah paste some of those in the chat we'll do those first we'll see uh so it doesn't get

get too late on those okay oh if people in the chat room could let me know if the sound is okay

because um i haven't done this in a while yeah yeah let brad know i'm playing music right now

by the way it's just we can't hear it but they can yeah that's fine just if you're confused by

that that's fine i hear it fanciness okay it's okay no one's complaining yet so okay um all right

so who do you got here uh you called some portrait studios and these are people so they've left pick

they've had pictures taken i haven't picked them up yet is that the story um yeah on these first

ones uh it's all they all had their pictures taken yesterday okay so it's like every these

first 21 numbers are from yesterday people came in and had their pictures done yesterday probably

like families doing christmas stuff because they're all you know all together in the state

or whatever yeah i got you um is it hard to get these men the portrait ones or no it's it's so

easy it's one of the easiest it's just about as easy as pizza getting pizza enough customers wow

yeah and the dominoes ones are getting a little tough now because that mammal has been going

around for a few months yeah well that and i think something has changed um where skype now

broadcasts uh on home caller ids and it says uh skype caller now and that happens i've had that

happen to me at a ton of dominoes really so they know yeah they're like this says skype caller and

corporate office would never use skype but last night dirty aaron was doing his prank stuff was

that last night i think it was saturday night a few minutes ago yeah and i told him i'm like you

know you might want to go to pizza hut because they haven't got memos yet but he called dominoes

and got tons of numbers super easy so yeah and he was using a different technique than me so

what was he doing i didn't catch how he was getting them i just know he got them

i can't remember uh he was just saying something different yeah something completely different than

what i do but it worked it was actually i think it worked better i wish i could remember what he

did now because i completely forget something to keep making note of uh nitrous says he's giving

you a 96 out of 100 for production values that's pretty good i think that's fair not as good as

tabachi but tabachi okay uh let's do the first one what's her name yelena yelena yep you want

to do this one do this one do the first one okay yeah she didn't spell any of them out for me so i

guessed on a lot of them that's fine phonetic phonetic is good i kept snickering while i was

getting them after this call dark stranger is going to join us here she wants to be on

Oh, God, why?

Hi, you've reached Sean.

Sorry I missed your call.

Did you leave your name and number?

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Fuck you, Sean.

I'll retry him.

Okay.

Nunu's flashing.

Nunu suggests to say they weren't photogenic enough, so we have to Photoshop the pictures.

That's a great idea.

I love that.

That's a good idea.

Hey, Dark.

Hello.

Hi, I was calling for Yelena.

This is Roy from the Portrait Studio.

Yes.

This is her husband, Sean.

Oh, okay.

Is she around?

Yeah, give me just a minute.

Okay, I don't like talking to males.

Got it.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Hi, is this Yelena?

Yes, thank you.

Hi, this is Roy from the Portrait Studios.

Mm-hmm.

And we're having a small problem with our photos.

Our technician, Nunu, he was trying to use Photoshop on your pictures

because, you know, a lot of the faces in there weren't very photogenic.

They looked pretty bad in our opinions.

um but he he he was modifying the files and he was just playing around i'm sorry well he didn't

erase them he was you know it's like the holidays we're just having having a good time and he was

he was photoshopping funny things like i don't want you to get offended but like he he photoshopped

a dick on on one of the foreheads but then he saved them to the originals so that's all we

that's all we have now i'm sorry i don't know what to do here i i've never had to make this

kind of call before so i don't know i i guess we can give you like 10 off maybe hello oh she

dropped damn it that was funny i started laughing i'm out of practice here yeah let me see if i can

get maybe the guy i'll answer again he'll be pissed off let me try i'll be the manager now

okay and say dicks on the forehead yeah nindu says there's a photoshop fee that's perfect

Yes, hi.

This is the manager here at the Photoshop.

My associate, Roy, was just talking to someone there.

We have a problem with the prints.

Is Yelena still there?

Can I speak to her and apologize on behalf of the crew here?

Or do you know what happened?

Well, no.

Sorry, we had a party going on.

She's inside.

Is there somebody I can help with?

Because I'm her husband.

You can talk to me about it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you're not on here.

Normally, we don't speak to people who aren't listed as contact, but I'll make an exception.

uh basically we have uh one of our associates nunu uh he's the one that handles the prints

and um under his opinion some of the pictures weren't very photogenic so he was cleaning them

up uh using using photoshop and he's some of the guys they start drinking it's new year it's a

christmas eve and all that and he put some less than savory things there he had there was a he put

He put like a man's penis on the face of one of the faces, and then he had like a reindeer.

Where are your photos from?

Well, we're at the Sears Portrait Studio.

We're in the main headquarters.

We receive all the packages digitally, all the shots digitally, and then we develop them here,

and then we send them back out either for you to pick them up, or if you sign up for home delivery,

then they get sent to your home.

i'm not sure myself what this package has well basically we we receive these via email and we

we develop them we clean them up and we develop them so the associate he put a nasty stuff there

was a penis on a face and then he had like an aroused reindeer in the background and one of

them and i caught this but he saved them over the originals basically so the originals have these

pictures well it's just there's just one penis it's it's not it's pretty large it covers maybe

maybe about a third of the face around the forehead and part of the left eye.

And then the other picture, the reindeer has an aroused,

like an erection in the background, and it's very silly.

How did you guys find the reindeer with the erection?

I think he gets it through Google Images.

He placed it in there.

Sometimes you put little things, like little Easter eggs and stuff like that.

So I wanted to make, I mean, if you're okay with the pictures like this,

if you're okay with the the penis and the reindeer and all that then we will just deliver them like

this if not then you'd have to come back in and get new shots taken because the originals have

been saved over and then there would be a reshoot fee for that so there were you guys well well we

we wouldn't recharge for the whole package but there would be a 25 reshoot fee for the whole

thing the computer's locked out i can't undo it there's no way to to undo that fee you might be

be able to talk to someone when you come in but i can't i don't have any control over it's not my

problem it'd be your problem okay i'm supposed to talk to you about it yeah that's your problem i

just i'm just letting you know what the hell happened i mean it's not my response it's my

responsibility to tell you that there's a penis on one of these pictures and a horny reindeer

i mean if you're i mean i'll just send them to you like this if you want it's not a big deal

i mean what were you going to plant were these gifts that you were going to do or what were

you going to do with these pictures looking at them what do they look like it's not my business

i mean i'm not allowed to make any judgments are you are these for personal use or were you going

to give these out to family or what are you going to do with them everything about a private penis

on somebody's face or a reindeer with an erection but you can't tell me what's on the photo

this is pictures pictures of people there's a face here you know women men things like that

you can't tell me all of them got messed up no just just there's one face with a penis on it

and then there's the horny reindeer in the background it's just in the background it's

not that big of a deal it's like there's a ring oh yeah it's a natural why don't we just why don't

we just drop those two and just get the rest is there a problem with that i i mean we still have

to charge you for them i can't just delete them they they're printed i understand how it works

online we've ordered the prints before online it's not a big deal i can do that with a click

of my mouse i mean you guys don't have to upload the other ones though right i mean but i already

printed them you understand like they're i mean what if what i'm supposed to do once i print them

them i can't you know i can't recycle them or anything i mean no one's gonna of course you can

no no one's gonna want them on fire set them to shredders or i don't know whatever you guys like

to do no one's gonna want it can print you guys can shred i'm pretty sure yeah but then then what

we're gonna do with that is it may it's trash then it's trash well yeah then you're gonna throw it

away in the garbage like a good little boy no but then we can't do anything about it we can't do

anything and we'll lose money you can do anything about it sir i'm being are you being serious are

Are you drinking or something?

You said you're having a party.

What's going on?

Yes, sir.

We have a party here.

Brad, can you help this guy out?

He's really getting me pissed off.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

Hi.

Is there a problem?

He's just trying to help out.

Oh, yes.

No, there's no problem.

No problem.

Thank you.

What kind of accident is that supposed to be?

What do you mean?

Gay Hawaiian?

There you go.

Yes.

Do you have a pineapple ring around your cock?

No, sir.

I don't.

You want your kids to eat?

But I do have something uncomfortable.

and my anus.

Do you want to have your kids eat it out or something?

What's going on?

Maybe. That might help.

This guy's sick, man.

You should have one of the attractive kids from the pictures

eat it out of there, not one of the...

We can't hear you, ma'am.

Yeah, speak up.

I'm sorry. My hearing aids all the way up.

Oh, shut up. I hung up on him. He's an asshole.

I think he'll enjoy the chicken corn.

What was he doing there?

Was that funny?

I thought he was coming on to you guys.

We can barely hear you, Dark Stranger.

Yeah, what's going on, Dark Stranger?

What, in your iMac?

The microphone goes on the front of your face.

Yeah, not in your nose.

Let's try this.

No, I'm going to...

My computer just messed up.

How's this?

Make sure you work out all of your technical issues on the show.

That's good.

There you go.

All right, dear.

Much better.

Yeah, I don't get his deal.

He said that we're having a holiday party.

Maybe he's just drunk on the eggnog, or whatever they drink in Hawaii.

Some kind of Christmas punch.

Yeah, that's pretty horrible, whatever he was doing.

I mean, it didn't seem that funny.

He's talking about, yeah.

Pineapple butt plugs and stuff.

That's his voice.

He's all excited about horny reindeer in his pictures.

Okay, let's do the next one then.

I like that idea though.

It seems like that'd be a good thing to do again.

Just do Nunu's idea again and see where it goes.

I like the idea of an erect penis, reindeer penis on it.

It probably would have been better if I hadn't laughed.

Oh my god, you should say the guy in the pictures' penis was erect.

tell him to come back in we photoshopped off all the clothes and he was erect yeah you could just

see that he had an erection like with his kid on his lap or something you're trying to airbrush it

out but it won't it's too massive all right so rosemary is the next one let's do that and who's

talking i don't know who's talking someone better talk because it's gonna ring you should do it

you better write down the name folks i'm dumb you are i got it they're in a skype chat hello

look at that hello hello yeah is this rosemary yes speaking oh that's great hey this is cross

i'm calling from the sears portrait studio yeah hi yeah you had some pictures taken yesterday

yes all right we had a problem with one of the associates he was developing your prints

and he uh he photoshopped some things inside the pictures uh there's a photoshop of santa claus

with uh mrs santa claus in bed together and he's got like an erection and there's a there's a

photo he photoshopped him reindeers um mating together that he got the pictures on huh he

photoshopped uh he photoshopped like an erotic joke picture of mr santa claus and mrs claus in

bed having sex and then he has another picture in the background of two reindeers humping

shopping that he got out of national geographic online what is this where from where from the

portrait studio in your pictures portrait studio which is that the series yeah you know where you

take pictures and sit down and take the pictures yeah well we we're in the we're in the main

headquarters and we develop the pictures and send them out for pickup all right so nunu he's one of

our associates and he was photoshopping things inside your pictures he has uh santa claus having

Having sex with Mrs. Santa Claus inside a bed.

Yeah, and then there's these two reindeers having sex.

Like, the reindeers are mating.

How did he do that?

He used Photoshop and the internet and computers.

He used a computer machine.

He has a MacBook Pro 15-inch retina display he has.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, he just got it.

He was hacking into the pictures.

He hacked the pictures and everything.

Uh-huh, and they got our pictures in it?

Yeah, and then there's a picture of a woman.

You had your pictures taken, I think, right?

Yes.

yeah he has a picture he photoshopped your clothes out and he put like breasts on you

like like big breasts and big nipples yeah inside the pictures i know it's disgusting i know and

then the problem is he saved over the originals uh we usually do this just to joke around we we

photoshop the pictures and we pass them around like well like if we see like an attractive woman

we take out her clothes with photoshop but we make her have breasts like from a pornography

photography picture so it looks like you're naked like we imagine what you look like naked

and um so yeah but he saved over the originals um so we can either deliver the pictures like

this with the penises and stuff or you'd have to come back in and get new pictures taken oh my god

yeah i guess oh my god so what are you guys going to deliver to well it was i'm not sure

did you sign up to pick them up or did you sign up to have them delivered to the home

it depends on your package sign sign up to pick it up yeah yeah so um i was getting ready to send

these now it's for you to go pick them up but the problem is like one of these pictures it shows a

woman i guess it's you and it has breasts on we they he put breasts on the picture so it looks

like you're naked and topless in the picture ah and then there's these two reindeer having like

mating in the background are you okay maybe i can just send you those if you want to just pay have

have those that's cool okay i guess you can just send them then i'll pick it up yeah but we're not

going to take the but you're going to have to pay for them still is the problem what do you mean pay

for it you're going to have to i already what do you mean pay for it yeah you already paid for the

pictures right right yeah we're not going to give you a refund the pictures are all messed up like

they they show they have penises and breasts in them and stuff wait hold on hold on hold on

all right so for example the picture of you right they they took a they they used photoshop

and they took away your clothes they cut out the your your clothing from the from the chest up and

then he put over your clothing he put like breasts like a woman's tits on it so it looks like your

tits it looks like you have your like you were naked that's what it looks like it looks and it

looks perfect it looks real like it looks like it's really your tits and it looks like it looks

at what you look like and we were here jacking off looking at them and stuff like yeah like she

looks you know roseanne you know and then we accidentally hit f2 on the wrong file so we

can't get the old file back someone calling me someone calling me can you call me right back

i think this is more important can you call me right back someone calling me all right fine

bye okay bye anyway she's not paying much attention or she's really confused

that's great i'm putting in tits in her picture let's sell our pictures on the internet

She said, call her right back. Let's call her right back.

I think she was checking you.

Talk to somebody else.

Tell her they're big tits.

Hello?

Hello, ma'am?

Maybe she wanted a Star 5-7, yeah?

Hang up so I can Star 5-7 you.

Is it 5-7?

Yeah, it is 5-7.

Star 6-7 is to block it going out.

Yeah, Star 5-7 is call trace.

You know, back when that worked.

Before everyone had Skype and Google Voice.

Yeah.

yeah well you still even if you start and then you have to call your phone company you have to

do it three times anyway it doesn't matter oh not necessarily i got arrested just once really

well you had to go to court didn't you go to court once or something yeah yeah um i called a lady and

i talked her out of her credit card number i was demonstrating on a conference and it was just one

single call to her and she gave me her at&t card and her credit card number in one single phone

call and then the police showed up a day or two later oh shit i guess because it was such a

a serious thing, you know, like identity

theft or whatever. Yeah, that was

a long time ago, though, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the 90s.

The 90s. When we all had home phones.

Back in the day, yo. Back in the day.

Hey, can we do one more serious? I want to try

something. Yeah, we got a ton of them.

You want to do the next one on the list? Sure.

Can we call Santa later?

I got this one. That's my Zyklon

impression. Yeah.

I got this one. I got this one.

Now I'm going to fuck it up really bad.

Let's say a racist joke. Here's Sherry.

Sherry's next. Here's Sherry.

I bet you everyone's home tonight

because you know Christmas evening

awesome

this is my favorite ringback song

I love this one

royalty free

oh sherry

yeah you pronounced that wrong Carlito

god

are you leaving a message or not

nah we can try them

I'll try her again maybe she'll pick up the second time

like the first person

well we'll have to listen to the fucking music again

but that's the best part i like when laugh track matt sings the lyrics to the song where is that

guy oh hi is this sherry yeah hey this is paul from the portrait studio you had your pictures

done with us yesterday yeah and um we had a little problem here um well i mean kind of a big problem

um it seems like like all of your the clothing in your pictures it was pretty dark clothing right

red

and white on yeah red that's that's the bad one because we use to print these

out print out your pictures we use thermal printers and the the heads on them get really

hot and because of the color of your clothing and the pattern and all that uh basically it set the

printer on fire it set our printer on fire here at sears and the portrait studio is pretty much

in ruins it's um i mean all of your pictures are gone all the computer data is gone but uh you're

we've the the manager's telling me we're gonna have to file charges against you for the fire

because it was the your choice because we use a thermal printer and it set everything on fire

i mean it set the printer on fire the heat the heads of it heat up it's a really old printer

like a really old model and it doesn't have the safety stuff built in and it it caught on fire

when when nobody was in the room and it set the entire portrait studio on fire at sears i mean

The entire store had to close down today.

You know, one of the busiest Christmas shopping days of the year.

Okay.

But they're saying that we may have to...

I just wanted to kind of warn you, give you a heads up.

They're talking about filing charges against you because of...

For what?

Did anybody tell us that we weren't supposed to use that color just when we came in?

I would think it would just be common sense.

Because the color of clothing...

Common sense to who?

That particular shade of red.

It just, like, heats up on these old thermal printers that we use with Windows XP.

Okay, but we don't know what kind of computers you guys use.

And if you guys knew that, then you guys should have told us that before we did it.

So you're saying that your excuse is ignorance?

You should try that with a cop the next time you get pulled over.

I didn't know what the speed limit was.

And see how well that works, man.

How can it be that it's ignorance?

I'm a customer.

I don't know what kind of computers you folks use.

Did you hear my analogy with the cop getting pulled over?

Tell a cop you didn't know what the speed limit was and see what he says.

I thought that was pretty brilliant.

That's something different.

Right.

I know what the speed limit is, but I don't know how you can turn on a date that won't

be responsible for it.

I don't know, ma'am.

I'm really upset, because we, you know, people could have died today, and it would have been

all of your fault on Christmas.

Okay.

Because of the colors.

Because of the coding we chose to use to come and do our pictures?

Yes, and you wanted the darker background and everything, and it heat up the heads.

No, the darker background was brought down by your photographer.

But that's what you chose.

We didn't use that background.

Because we use white for everything.

Okay, wait a second.

Everyone uses white.

everybody uses white to take pictures most of them we had white on my husband had white on

no no i'm talking about the background of the pictures you dummy don't call me a dummy because

i'm not a dummy i'm sorry i'm really upset because basically i'm out of the job now because

this is christmas eve and you're telling me that we're going to be responsible for that

i'm i'm pissed well it's not me that's saying you're responsible it's the manager telling you

that we're going to be responsible your manager yeah the store manager at the portrait studio

Sears Madagascar, the entire store?

Yeah, because they had to close down the entire store.

We lost so much money on sales.

We make probably $90,000 in the evenings on Christmas Eve.

Okay, tell me where you are calling from.

Are you calling from the Sears Portrait Studio?

Are you calling from the Sears store?

No, it's caught on fire.

We're not allowed in there anymore.

It's been condemned until they can fix it.

You know, my husband's not going to be happy when he hears about this also

because it's like you guys are putting the blame on us.

And you know what?

There's no blame on us.

Our 123 employees aren't going to be happy not to have a job right after Christmas because of your clothing choices.

Okay, so Sears at Purr Ridge went on fire today, and they had to close the store down.

I know. You don't have to tell me all this. I already know all this. Why are you telling me?

This is what I just told you.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my husband.

Oh, you forgot to tell me that.

Because the printer that they seem to use does not work well with red clothing.

Red clothing? What is that?

So when nobody was in the printing office, the printer caught on fire and burned the store down.

So 125 employees are out of work and they closed down today on the busiest shopping day.

And they're going to put us responsible for it because of the clothing that we use to take our portraits.

The firemen are saying you're going to have to take fire safety training courses.

We have to take fire training safety courses.

What I'm saying is how do we know as customers what kind of printers you guys use to print out our pictures?

It's common sense.

Everybody knows this.

No matter who, everybody that knows not to come in to use red.

These printers are from the 90s.

Like everyone has always known this.

You know what?

we took christmas photos red is a christmas color oh don't be a smart ass ma'am being a smart ass

and don't tell me that i'm not to be not be a smart ass ma'am listen that's what we came in

to take was our christmas photos yeah obviously your workers knew that red wasn't going to work

and they should have told us oh you know what ma'am red is not a color that you should be using

we would have been happy to go on home and change she was she was a new employee so she didn't know

not to say red oh now you're saying she was a new employee she didn't know not she's a she was

Who's a teenager, practically, and you're an old person?

Like, old people should know.

You guys fought for hiring a teenager and not saying that to us.

Don't put the blame on us.

Don't try and pass the blame on us when you caught our store on fire.

No, don't put the blame on us.

We had your guys' store on fire.

We came in and provided, and you guys did us a service.

We paid $150 for a CD that we walked away with.

We didn't order any portraits.

And who's the idiot paying $150 for a CD?

Excuse me?

You heard me.

I need to let you know.

No, I didn't hear you.

I'm recording this call for quality assurance, and we have to pass it along to the police.

No, but you didn't tell me that before we started speaking, so therefore your call now,

you're supposed to tell me that before we even started speaking that you're recording this call.

What's a business calling you?

What do you think is going to happen?

Listen, ma'am, I have to go.

I have to call other people and tell them.

I have to tell the employees that they're out of a job now.

What is your name again?

Thanks to your negligence.

What is your name again?

Mike.

No, you told me your name was Paul when you first called.

Then why'd you ask?

Don't tell me your name is Mike now.

Why'd you ask?

What is your last name?

Why are you asking if you know what my name is?

Because I want to know your first and your last name.

This is the same kind of deceit you used to get our picture studio to catch on fire.

I used to have your studio catch on fire?

Ma'am, I have to go call other people.

I'm going to let you go.

But I'm just giving you a heads up, just to be nice.

So thank you very much for burning our...

Oh, she's gone.

She's gone.

Are you recording this, by the way?

I just realized.

That was awesome.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's recording.

Okay, good.

Are you not recording?

That was awesome.

I'm going to call her back and cry about her taking away my job.

Yeah, Dark Stranger, tell her that you're out of a job.

like a 16 year old girl oh my god oh my god oh my god hi it's me sheree

i'll call you back i'll try again i'll try again where is she like i don't have any of the

numbers that you put in earlier so i don't know where any of these places are

it's hawaii stop saying the name god damn it but yes

she's frantically calling the store to see if it's

by now they're closed that'd be funny do you think they're open i mean it's it's only 5 30 there

i think in hawaii right now so yeah man how are you milkman hi milkman milkman he's dead

happy holidays i'm sorry i was on mute i didn't want to make any noise there how we all doing

It's not Christmas yet, genius.

Bag of switches.

That's what I received in 1957.

All right.

So that's been going on ever since 1921.

I always get, like, soap and toothpaste from my grandmother.

She's cute like that.

What about the favorite one?

Socks and underwear.

Yep, yep.

That gives me practical stuff.

Probably an orange and an apple.

That's useful, though. Socks and underwear is useful.

That's good.

I'm not getting any gifts from my mom this year because she's dead.

Oh.

Oh, let's not go into there.

That's what she would send me, though.

Let's just do pranks.

Yeah.

I was too slow on the buttons.

I really wanted to do a rim shot when you said that.

Oh, well.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. We're not getting the band back together until MLK Day.

MLK Day.

Can I at least play my instrument?

Sure.

Yeah.

That's funny.

What are you going to do?

The next one on the list here?

We got lots of Lonesome Loser stuff, too.

He's sending in tons of numbers.

It's somebody's turn.

That's not me.

Because that was a long one.

That counts as two pranks.

I guess so.

Do one.

Dark Stranger, you want to do one of these?

Probably.

Right.

Do we know what pictures they have?

No, just probably Holiday.

This broad's name is Roblin.

Roblin.

What?

Roblin?

roblin roblin i don't know robble robble roblin or roblin roblin what a stupid name that's what

i say hi is this roblin yes hi this is sears portrait studio calling hello hi yeah we actually

had a had a problem with your pictures so i'm just calling you about that man yeah it seems

my co-worker was having some fun with the photoshop and he photoshopped himself into

all your pictures but what he did is he's nude in all the pictures now we're still gonna have to

have you come in and pick up these pictures and you're gonna have to pay full price for them

she's gone already she doesn't want you nude in all the pictures she's gone to the bitch i'll

try her back awesome though i want to see these pictures nudist party you've reached the voicemail

box of robbie pokeypala pokeypala oh now i have a bad uh visual image like we'll try sherry bad

MidHouse, PLA.

Wait, didn't we, wasn't Sherry mine?

Sherry?

Yeah, yeah, I want to see Sherry.

I want to see if she picks up.

Oh, okay.

I'm good.

It's the Riven ringback zone while your party is free.

Oh, it's my favorite ringback zone.

That's a good young person's name.

Sherry.

Bye.

Damn it, man.

I wanted to do that one.

I know.

I was so in the mood.

It'd be bubbly.

You know, I bet it would be the easiest thing in the world when I call Sears.

And I'm never going to do this because I think this takes it beyond a level that's

It's like, you know, super illegal, but I could get the login info because they just

write it right on the forums to go on the internet and look at their pictures.

Oh, yeah.

But I mean, that would be computer hacking, I think, instead of just innocent social engineering.

Yeah, I guess it would be hacking.

I think it's just more social engineering, but still kind of, yeah.

Yeah, unauthorized.

It's an extra step.

I'd be logging in on their accounts.

Yeah.

It would be so easy because I know that that's how they do it.

They just write it on the forums.

All right.

I got, here's one.

well you've got more of those they're working out pretty good so far yeah i've got tons um

yeah so uh rosemary she never picked up uh roblin sherry roblin didn't did we did we

we talked to her rosemary didn't we roblin picked up oh no yeah she ended up on dark

stranger oh they're back again sherry was a crazy one rosemary answered and i think rosemary

answered yelena was the guy who was like drunk and he didn't really give a shit rosemary i talked

to you i talked to rosemary didn't i i think i swore i forget already god i'm wasted okay there's

four more for you if you still want to do sears yeah yeah we can let me let me call this clown

here just to do something other family members it's kind of funny oh and this guy in the chat

room he really wants you to call something i told him to submit it to request a prank so you might

have something waiting um okay i'll check the room we're taking family members out it's also

kind of funny because you thought they were ugly should we tell them in the end that it's a prank

call since it's christmas to be nice or or is that stupid no they'll pick up their pictures

and they'll see it's fine yeah they'll drive over there and see that the mall's not burned down

they'll figure it out at some point when they get their pictures on the news right

well if it was on fire i'm sure it would be like you know a mall catches fire on christmas eve

i think that'd be news that was fucking awful yeah that would be awful um i think i'm gonna

stop playing background music because i was playing it throughout um dark strangers call

just then. I always forget.

Yeah, you always play the background music.

You're weird. Well, I forget. I want to

turn it off, but I forgot.

Yeah, it's kind of tricky

to get that down right.

If you were at Sears, there'd be weird music

playing anyway. True. Rap music.

That's true.

Whatever. Alright, here, real quick, let's do

Hermie the Clown. He's a Santa Claus.

Santa Claus clown. I was at some store

and they had Christmas in Harlem, like one of those

toys you press the sound on, and that's

That's what it's saying.

Who sent this number in?

Lonesome. He sent in a bunch of them. We've got to do something with them.

Shout out to Lonesome.

Big Lonesome. Lonesome was hooking it up

for Aaron on Saturday.

Sent him a lot of numbers.

That was a good show, man.

Martell, Santa's house.

Is this Santa?

How much does it cost for you to come make an appearance?

Is this an emergency? We need a Santa as soon as possible.

Now?

Well, yeah. See, this kid we have over here, his dad died.

We have a house full here.

Would he be drinking?

no no no what are you doing are you drunk because you can't come out if you're drunk

no no no no i just got back from business oh listen listen i don't know if you have a degree

in psychology but this kid's dad died tonight on christmas eve so we thought it'd be good if we

had santa claus come over and give him the news where you located uh we're in new prague new

prague we're new here prague yeah whereabouts uh all right you know where the uh taco bell is

yeah yeah it's right behind the taco bell there's a subdivision back there okay all right now this

kid's dad died in a car accident he doesn't know yet so we're going to wake him up and we went to

santa claus to tell him what happened and kind of explain it to him yeah i'm not not sure that

that would be something i would care to be a part of oh no i'm a psychologist i think this is totally

the way we should handle it i'm going to decline well what what if you just came there what if we

told him and you were just there to try to cheer him up afterwards five o'clock rising and uh

I think I'm going to decline.

Okay, what if you came, and then I want you to just say to the kid,

guess what, I'm Santa, and guess what, I got you for Christmas.

And he goes, what?

And then you say, your dad's dying.

That'd be the kind of thing I'd want to do.

Well, he's retarded.

He's like five years old.

I don't care.

Whatever it takes us to get him the news,

that's the only part of my job I've got to do.

Timmy's new daddy.

Are you up for a sexy Santa Claus party at all or something?

No.

I'm Timmy's mom.

Can you be Timmy's new daddy?

Yeah, Timmy's mom was on the line, and she's very distraught.

Her husband died today.

I'm very distraught.

I like people in big things.

Just a second, please.

Okay.

Nice.

Can you hear me now?

Yes.

Oh, there we go.

What a stupid piece of crap.

I think I will pass on this, sir.

Don't you want to come over to our sexy party?

Timmy needs a new brother or sister.

Can we come over to your party?

We're lonely.

Can we bring him over to you, maybe, and you explain it to him?

Santa.

He's giving us a silent treatment.

Santa sounded pretty nice.

Pass.

uh i don't know too soon after the uh shootings in connecticut i don't know and that crazy fire

holy shit what was that i heard about firefighters getting shot who the fuck some dude lit a house

on fire and then he like got up on a building and picked off some firefighters that's awesome

that's so creative that's i know that's what i was thinking it's both evil and that is horrible

it reminds me like the shield i used to watch that show and like there was an episode where

these dudes um called the cops and when the cops showed up they killed them uh like for blood money

it was really weird yeah if i was gonna be a psycho killer i would do something amazing like

that yeah i don't know i think it's staged don't you think it's kind of staged all this anti-gun

stuff like now they're not even the firefighters are safe anymore you know what i mean maybe i

don't know i don't know i'm sure that's yeah i don't know milkman has no opinion milkman's like

He's like, whatever, man.

As long as I can play my guitar, I'm happy.

That's the spirit.

As long as I ain't shooting guitar players, I'm happy.

You know, they're not going to be able to stop guns from being made.

Because you've heard this, right?

You can print them on 3D printers now?

That's what I've heard, yeah.

And they work.

They're good for a shot or two.

One shot, yeah.

Yeah, I know.

And before they explode.

Yeah.

3D printers are pretty expensive right now still, though.

Nah.

You can get one for like 500 bucks.

Some people have been making them themselves.

oh shit that's crazy crazy shit so what are they like they use like a resin kind of thing like a

plastic resin yeah yeah it's like a spool of plastic stuff and it just feeds it into the

machine and and builds whatever you want god it's pretty amazing that's insane uh all right so more

portrait studios or or all these indian restaurants that we've got we also let me tell you what

lonesome sent he sent in there's a guy on crisis looking for new chicks layered only whatever that

that means what's layered layered only sounds like a taco or something yeah he wants non-white

non-white chicks maybe call him up as eddie garcia i'll hook him up with some latina chicks

uh yeah this dark stranger you can be the chick there we go now we got a plan see it's good

having a girl um i can't do it you can't do a girl how intoxicated are you yes you know accent

did i said did i tell you i told you guys right kdk had a drunk conversation with me for 30

minutes um all pissed off and upset that he's getting trolled by phone losers i'm supposed to

tell everyone not to troll him anymore so there you go i did my part how's he who's trolling him

like i went in there on saturday and i i'm i'm like hey can you play some music from this century

and he kicked me out immediately that's the extent of my trolling this week what's the big deal

everyone trolls him though like even the people i don't know they troll him in his chat room

exactly yeah he gets he calls me like he talks to me for 30 minutes drunk and he's like

Like, tell him to stop.

Make him stop.

Tell all the phone losers to stop.

Don't hurt me.

He's like, I know you hate me, Carlito, but I'm your friend.

I've always liked you, and I gave you your start.

I'm like, dude, I don't hate you.

He was distracting me.

I was trying to listen to Dirty Aaron's show and trying to play Simpsons on the iPad,

and I had to deal with his drunk ass.

And it's like, you know, I tried to kill myself once, and Ted Webb saved me.

I'm like, what?

Did he really give you your start?

Yeah, well, I mean, he had the station, and he said,

he said if anybody wants to do a prank call show let me know and i said i want to do a prank call

show and i said okay and he gave me thursday night that was it that's only starting a i mean

then he got mad when i got popular and then he was like oh yeah it owes me everything he's just

jealous i wouldn't like you know i i gave roxy and and rob the hyena you know slots on my station

but i don't i would never say they i gave them their start exactly they did what they did on

their own merits yeah they they gave me content for my radio station that was awesome of them

them i miss rob and you did actually rob had a good show man yeah i really i miss that show i'm

more of a roxy person myself but i like both of both of their shows they were they were a lot of

fun to listen to they're a lot better than you carlito i know totally remember we used to be on

like super late at night with rob i remember uh doing a craigslist shit and all that man those

are those buddy wow over a year ago now whatever so what he just got scared of pranks or he just

got tired of it or nobody knows for sure that i know of he just kind of dropped out like right

right after DEF CON. I think he met us all

and he's like, wow, these guys are a bunch of dorks.

Such losers.

That's my guess. I really don't know, though.

He's never said anything. He's always saying,

yeah, I really want to come back and do my show

again, but he never does.

Did you say

you're not planning on going? You said you might go

to DEF CON in 2013, right?

I really want to. I wanted to this year

and I just couldn't. I didn't have the money

and a bunch of stuff came up.

I want to meet you guys.

I would have gone last year, but I was

I was in the hospital, so I couldn't go.

I really wanted to go to Hope last year,

but I don't know. Hope's more expensive for me.

Yeah, it's farther away.

Which is a trainer. I was about to do it,

but the only person I ended up showing up was Samantha.

She's boring.

Yeah, fuck her.

I hope you're listening.

She's cool. Samantha's cool.

She's cool.

Yeah, I'd go to Hope just to meet her.

She's an awesome person.

I'd go just to meet you too, Carlita.

Who was at DEF CON? It was a bunch of you, right?

Matt was there, Jen.

jen roxy rob the hyena uh me murdoch a bunch of pla people that nobody here probably knows but

like just tons like lots of people like 20 or 30 of us it wasn't roxy like hey you have a face

didn't roxy uh subsist on uh 99 cent tacos for the whole time or something like probably i don't

know probably though something like that stuff off people yeah i think it her and matt were like

doing the taco bell 99 cent tacos the whole time they were there it sounds like it was fun i'm

sorry i missed it but like i said i was in the hospital having a second surgery when i was going

down yeah fucking bullshit nice excuse whatever yeah whatever i was just on my on this door okay

uh oh there's a place that sells radio equipment also okay anyway come on focus let's do more

pranks yay uh dark stranger sent me the number for the norad santa center okay i heard about this

i saw those on youtube yeah i read that about that i didn't know it was so involved but norad

actually has like a

kind of a call center

and they take calls

for Santa while they

track where his

slaves.

We call and say

Santa didn't come to us.

Sure.

I was going to tell

him I think Santa

went down.

Go speak to

Nora right now.

Why didn't Santa

come to my house?

Oh, it's busy.

He came to the

neighbor's house.

I was going to tell

him this was

looking glass.

I was going to tell

him a bunch of

Cold War shit.

Come on, work.

Oh, there's more

than one number.

Now that we're

starting prank calls,

I'm going to start

up the music.

Do you want the

other phone number?

Thank you for

calling the

Nora Trek Santa

in a hotline. Radars indicate

Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

The NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you

in a moment. You may want to visit us online

for exciting Santa updates

at www.NORADSanta.org

www.NORADSanta.org

I want to call later and say I didn't visit my house.

Thank you for calling.

This is Sergeant Mesa. How may I help you?

Yeah, Sergeant Mesa. This is Looking Glass.

Alright, sir. How can I help you?

This is good. Confidence is high.

Oh, yeah. We have three inbound tracks

from the soviet union impact points what is your state of readiness please this is looking glass

what is your status please uh the norad uh yeah exactly this is nor this is norad and i'm looking

glass and i'm carrying out an order an executive order from the commander in chief we have three

impact points three incoming tracks from the soviet union can i have a confidence level report

please yeah i need a confidence level report please one second sir okay this is a horrible

idea carly you're gonna start a nuclear war and it's gonna be our fault oh shit you're gonna die

we are at defcon one just i just placed the fucking western seaboard on alert

they're gonna shoot santa out of the sky like in africa don't worry how i did it was quote a

fucking uh cold war movie i saw once it sounded like he's like he's this real world he's like

oh my god look at this you're scrambling fighters oh shit okay well this will be the

the last prank call for us ever.

Last prank call show. We better enjoy

it again. Thanks for doing that on the show where

I'm hosting. Oh, you're

hosting. I'm the one Skyping. It's my

Skype account. It's going to trace back to me.

Oh, shit.

I'm kind of freaked out now. That's like

when during your show this week, I called in

and we did something and

Zyklon took over, of course, and he gave

them my phone number, my Skype number.

I think it was a serious thing.

He said some... He said, like, I'm just joking around.

He said some horrible things

And then gave them my phone number

I forget what it was exactly

But god damn it

Oh man

Can I add Hitlick

Yeah add him that's cool

Add Matthew let me get him here

I had people to call

I'd piss on the spark plug if I thought it'd do any good

Seriously I think he took it serious

I think he's like yeah

You think you know the looking glass

Looking glass is basically like the

the E-whatever plane

that's supposed to be up 24-7.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, the command and control for NORAD.

I'd be crazy anyway.

Hey, Matt. Laugh Track Matt.

Merry holidays.

I just started a nuclear war.

How you doing, Matt?

It was an accident.

Did you do it with a Whopper computer?

No, I just called NORAD

and I told him that this is Looking Glass

and I needed a confidence level reporting.

He's like, what?

Oh, man.

Happy fucking Christmas.

It's fucking awesome until we never hear from Carlito again.

People are dumb.

yeah yeah well the new thing

true I did say Soviet Union

you know I didn't say it was like you know

Russia I did say Soviet Union so

hopefully

yeah I don't want you fucking getting

put in a cage buddy

they'll fuck me up like that guy that did the

WikiLeaks thing man

yeah he's still sitting in solitary

yeah they left him in a

fucking cage naked for three weeks they said

yeah fucking cat

yeah well he did what he did

what can I say alright more pranks

well we can

Merry Christmas

okay I'm going to go to the top of the list

here Brad of the

photo center or what is it

what are they called Portrait Studio

Ugly Kids

that's what I was thinking

Matt tell them you photoshopped yourself

they'll love that with the ugly kids

oh my god I want to tell them their kids are ugly

hello

hi this is Tina from the Sears Portrait Studio

yes

calling about your photos

It seems we have a problem with your photos.

What do you mean?

My co-worker, Matt, he seems to have gotten a hold of your photos and did a little photoshopping with them.

He thought your kids were rather ugly and he photoshopped them out.

And he replaced your children with pictures of himself.

Now they're beautiful.

Oh, that's nice.

I can start talking.

Hang on.

Now you should call back.

That's your hang-up on me, cunt.

Yeah, cunt.

Beautiful now.

How do you reach Ernst Day?

Yeah, I've reached fucking...

It went straight to voicemail.

She's calling someone.

Does your hat have a little cotton ball on top?

That's an old picture, but yeah, I found it finally.

I had to look through so many folders to find that picture.

Just for that crap?

Is this the same lady?

Yep, yep, yep.

Do you want to talk to her about your...

How do you reach Ernst Day?

Ernst Day.

Know what I mean?

with a name like that

you wouldn't expect her

to be a shitty cunt

you know what I mean

such a friendly name

you know what I mean

rest in peace Jim Barney

oh yeah man

I want to see the portrait

with Matt photoshopped

over all the kids

that sounds hilarious

we should do

we should get some kids

with ugly sweaters

anyone good

I'm cheating

photoshop

Tristan's good

I'll ask him to do it

who's doing this

Rowena

your call has been forwarded

to an automatic

voice message system

system of Hawaii.

It's full of fucking assheads.

So far with these, when I call a second time, they've always

been answering, so I'll try it again.

Oh, because they figure it's important?

You would think so. Everyone would be home

tonight because it's Christmas Eve. I really am

freaked out that Norad's going to go to

full alert.

This is my prank. It's a hilarious

way to do it. Yeah, hi, lady. He's upset

about Norad. What do you feel about it?

Rowena? What?

Oh, okay. I'm going to put Matt on the line. He's the supervisor

here at the portrait studio.

because I got a lot of shit to do.

Yeah, we got a situation with your portraits

at the Portrait Studio there, sweetheart, okay?

You brought photos in to get done

at the Portrait Studio, correct?

Really?

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.

This is the supervisor.

I'm going to need to ask you

to take the chopsticks out of your ears.

Okay, here you go, Matt.

Yeah, God fucking slopey fucks.

Hey, manager, manager, morning.

Hello.

Hello?

Yes.

Did you drop off some photos, or did you try to get some photos made at the portrait studio?

What photos?

I don't know.

The photos of your fucking abortions leaking down your leg, sweetheart.

I don't even know.

You're just too stupid.

All you do is go, I don't...

I'm driving, that's why.

I cannot understand.

I can't understand because you're driving?

This is serious business.

I need to learn to phone.

How does driving affect that, either way?

Oh, I'm going through a tunnel.

Bye.

I'm through a tunnel.

The chap sticks in the ears.

That's a nice one there.

Yeah, I like that.

That's a Musacha pranks line that I stole.

This is you again, Matt, throwing it.

What is it?

Same lady.

I'm sure I just threw it out the window to get rid of the devil.

The devil?

Oh, whatever.

oh fucker she's not answering right and what the fuck name is that anastasia what

anastasia just call her anastasia anastasia hey hey uh hey carlito hey tombstone just messaged

me he's like dex fix gas leaks and shuts down hotels carlito wipes out the entire eastern

seaboard yeah meet that and he claims he'll be at defcon yeah we're defcon all right

oh that's what he meant i get it shit just my luck i know they're taking it seriously

Like, welcome to the president.

The president's Hawaii.

Yeah, it's a holiday when such a threat would actually be relevant.

From the Soviet Union, yeah.

He probably didn't pay attention to the fact I said Soviet Union.

We wouldn't have taken this seriously, but after Sandy Hook.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I like Sandy Claus.

Sandy Claus?

Have your phone been forwarded to an automatic voice?

They've all answered at the second time.

Balls.

Christina with a K.

Yep.

That's a normal American name, finally.

That would be, yeah, but that's with a K.

That's like a meth.

That's like their parents did meth.

Or last time it was like, oh, my God.

These crystal, yo.

No, it's not.

Okay.

What's that, sir?

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling from the portrait studio.

Can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you.

I can't hear you.

Can you take me off speaker?

or maybe purchase a better cell phone?

I can barely understand you.

Can you tell the people in the background to be quiet

because I can't hear you very well.

Can you step outside, sir?

Call him back.

I think it was in his mouth.

I'm going to try that on someone soon.

Sorry, Mr. Paul.

Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Fuck you. I'll try one more time.

Everyone's partying tonight.

night yeah everyone's drinking it up in hawaii man it's way earlier there right yeah it's six

gonna be six o'clock yeah yeah i think it's i think they're three hours now hi man is this

christina i'm calling from the portrait studio yes can you tell those people in the background

to shut the fuck up because i really need to talk to you about your pictures go ahead can you maybe

go to a different room yeah okay i need to get you my supervisor because we have a major issue

issue with your photos and i don't know how to tell you myself it's kind of a devastating

horrible thing but i'm gonna i'm gonna put you on here with my supervisor if you're ready if you're

ready to hear what he has to say okay about your photos okay here you go can you can you please

go away from the party ma'am christina yeah i'm in my room go ahead okay well we can still hear

them can you close your door please go have a door you can close go in the closet go ahead

can you turn the lights off ma'am yes go ahead do you hear that man roy you were just speaking to

we had a christmas party and he got a little drunk he got into like the whiskey and he um he had to

go to the bathroom really bad and he was so drunk he he thought the computer that we had all the

photos stored on yeah he he urinated all over that and your your pictures were stored on there

and uh now they're destroyed ma'am and there's there's no way to get them back okay so you're

You're going to have to come back in and get them redone tomorrow.

And we're going to have to charge you for that, ma'am.

Again.

So he got drunk and what?

He got drunk and he urinated on the computer where your pictures are stored.

So we're going to have to charge you again.

You're going to have to come in tomorrow and get your pictures redone.

Stacy, we need you to be honest with this lady.

We need you to be honest with Christina.

Tell her about the masturbation.

It's all right.

It's fine.

Yeah.

It actually wasn't urine that was all over the computer.

He saw your photos and he thought they were so beautiful.

he he masturbated all over the computer you're a very sexy lady christina chunky salsa she's gone

so you masturbated again dark stranger masturbate oh my god i just came all over all over i wanted

to charge her twice she needs to come in again come in again come in again hello sir hey you

guys don't have anything else better to do don't you want christmas photos yes this is what you're

Is it your wife or your girlfriend, Christina?

We need her to come in again for another photo shoot.

Clear.

A little bat cracked me up.

We need a photo shoot.

Just her.

Well, that's how they sound very, very, very loud.

He sounds like a black Hawaiian.

Hello, Iraq.

We need her to come in.

That's an odd mix.

Hello there.

Is that like double lazy?

Don't you guys have nothing better to do on Christmas Eve?

Sorry, Mr. Paltese.

Don't we?

Right.

No, I guess not.

happy fucking christmas faggots yeah no offense to anyone who meets his criteria but there's

nothing i've i know a guy who's like asian and black mixed and it looks really bad i'm just

saying it's not a good look bad mix is a bad mix he's got the ugliest forehead he's uh he's

jamaican and korean i know jamaican and chinese and it's really ugly people that that that had

had to happen in like uh prison no no that happened no it can't happen in prison no there

they there were jamaica they're chinese people immigrated to jamaica and they

is china really that bad well it's like fucking jamaica's better they go everywhere like they

they seriously they have chinese restaurants in jamaica and they wait i would you go as far to

say they breed like rats i would say so they're everywhere man chinese are all over that milkman

And Milkman, I'll tell you, those Chinese people are in the Virgin Islands.

Milkman lived in the Virgin Islands, and they're there, too.

They're all over the place.

The Puerto Rico, there's just Chinese in Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico.

Whoa.

We need delicious food everywhere.

Black people.

Whoa.

I'll tell you what.

The best Chinese food that I've had is in Puerto Rico-style Chinese food.

Fuck, it's good.

Because they Puerto Rican up the Chinese food.

It's really good, man.

Well, most Chinese food you get is, like, American-style.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this guy, man, he's fucking...

he's i went over to his house he's a good friend of mine i went over to his house and

and like all these chinese people around like what the fuck's this it's like yeah that's my

uncle i'm like like what like like straight up chinese yellow fucking slanty eyes and like that's

your family he's like oh yeah man like wow all right that explains a lot that's great explains

the squinty eyes and the fucking weird forehead i just thought you were high all the time with

He's Jamaican

I figured he was stoned all the time

Oh my god

He's got like the fucking Predator forehead

Moving on

We used to call him Commander Worf

Yeah he used to get mad

We'd call him Worf all the time

He'd be like fuck you man

Fuck you Carlos

Tell Christina back

We'll get her to come in for a sexy photo shoot

Alright we'll get Christina here

Is she going to speak loudly

apparently her party is in every single room yeah that party seems pretty awesome i'd like

to be there i wonder if rappy's there what do we call it i didn't hear any croaky frogs though

you know that's the thing in miami and in puerto in puerto rico the cookies like so

loved in hawaii they do everything they can to kill it sorry mr call please leave a message

and I'll get back to you soon as I can.

Leave a message, Matt.

Stupid fucking gun parts.

That was good.

I'm a fucking comedy genius.

I think from now on, if the pranks aren't going well,

just have Matt do that.

I paste you more if you want to do more.

Or we can mix it up and do

Chinese whatever things.

Let's do some of his

so his don't get stale.

uh here's an indian restaurant fucker don't make him feel bad i don't want to make lonesome feel

bad man he he he works a lot for us you know i don't he doesn't ever send you numbers brad i

don't think right yeah what a what a dick i mean you don't even do shows and just get over and

start doing shows again brad stop being a pussy bitch man come on everyone knows you want look

at you right now you're doing the show yeah come on man bring it back even call call the snowplow

whatever you want to call it just do it even have a name for your show what's that looking glass

sexy nude girl call it looking glass and everyone will come

confidence level show confidence is high i repeat confidence is high the eagle has landed

i've got five i think i was freaking we're a confidence level request

Yes, hi. Let's make an order, please.

Yeah, an order. What do you think, stupid?

He's going to turn down our music. God.

Yeah, turn on the music, asshole.

Turn on the music. I don't need to hear that fucking shit.

Turn on the music, I said.

No, I still hear it. Turn it off.

Go to the radio. Turn it off right now.

I want food. Can I make an order?

Yeah, tell me what you need.

Yes, I need one order of chicken biryani.

Okay.

One order of ban chud.

What?

Ban chud.

One ban chud.

You got it on number...

No, I'm going to put my racist friend Matt on the line and talk to you.

Make fun of you.

Go ahead, Matt.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, shit foot?

You got that ban chud?

You want to turn down that goddamn music?

He's gone.

We're clear.

Hang on.

Let me call him back.

What an asshole.

He never turned it down, Matt.

What an asshole.

Seriously, I told him.

Tell him to turn it down.

Sounds like a goddamn bazaar.

what kind of music is that anyway your show could also be called electric

they had some pick up dick mac it's a fucking restaurant same one ain't answering yeah

as he sweats curry powder out of his pores oh right into the pot right into the food

and so it tastes so good yeah it's like extra flavoring milkman where's chino is chino near

are you at all milkman we gotta incorporate milkman he gets upset milkman oh it's not that

far it's uh probably within like a couple hours are there chinese people in chino oh of course

of course can you drive over there real quick yeah go over there real quick hello milkman

milkman say hi to matt left track man is a big fan of yours hello hello how you doing

And Dark Stranger's a big fan of yours, too.

She always has very good things to say about you, Milkman.

Oh, there's my sexy deer heart.

Hi, Dark Stranger.

Happy Christmas and holidays.

You guys are sounding good.

You should drive to a store.

You can do the question.

I'm fixing to go mobile here in a couple minutes,

so I'll be around the corner.

Hello?

Oh, yes.

This is Tamarind, Pakistani Indian.

Yes.

Who won in a fight, Pakistan or India?

I'm sorry?

Can I make an order, please?

Close at 9.

So what time is it now?

9.05.

Oh, come on, man.

Come on, man.

Pay him extra.

I'm hungry.

My wife will suck your dick.

She's on the line.

Come on.

Oh, I'm big and fat.

I'm hungry.

I'll pay you extra.

Yeah, she'll suck your dick, man.

Come on, please.

Yeah, she will.

I'll give you a bullet job.

Yeah, she does give a good head, man.

Yeah.

Suck yourself and respect her.

Do you like girls or boys?

What's wrong?

You like boys?

I got Matt.

Matt, you'll suck your dick.

Yeah.

He definitely wasn't into that.

Respect yourself and respect your wife.

I think us and all the listeners need to take that advice to heart.

Think about that this Christmas Eve.

Respect your wives.

Happy fucking birthday to little black baby Jesus.

Rocking and rolling in his crib.

Oh my God, I was hanging out with my nephew today.

He had a Christmas book.

He's like, Uncle Carlos, look at my Christmas book.

And I look in there and Joseph is black.

and mary is like uh fucking high yellow and jesus was like mulatto i'm like what the fuck is this

the fuck was that the cool kid with the race car yeah yeah he had a dude he loves that he

he keeps saying uncle carlos can we do more phone calls it was so he was so funny oh he had so much

fun he's like stupid i had to sit him down i said hey don't tell anyone we did that because

his parents would get mad oh there you go the uncle that says don't tell anyone

don't tell anyone

oh you're dirty uncle

welcome to being uncle flippy fist

don't tell him what you feel

Carly did you hear that I

did you see that I put that on YouTube

yeah that's awesome

I'm afraid that I'm going to show my wife

I should probably get mad

tell him he's a YouTube star

and there was a lot of positive comments

oh he's adorable

I love when he was mimicking

Coolerub

cowboy

Cowboy!

Which video was that on? I can't remember.

Oh, he did a carding call.

Yeah.

Oh, so it was like the very last carding or something?

Yeah.

No, not the very last. Maybe second to last.

Good times.

He's waiting to do the next one.

He's like, oh, Carlos, let me know when you're going to do some more calls.

Because when I bring my iPad over,

you guys are on Skype on my iPad.

I was like, can we call more people?

Don't tell anyone.

He's going to take over Madhouse in like 10 years.

It was a perfect time because he likes to play Knee for Speed on my iPad.

I bought it for him, and he plays it on my iPad.

And you guys started ringing in.

I said, here, do a phone call.

That was awesome.

He made fun of Cool Rob, right?

And then the lady was so rude to him.

She's making fun of the lady.

What did he say?

That the car smelled like poop or something?

Yeah, it was ugly.

And she was like, yeah.

He took a Hot Wheels and smashed it.

She was funny as hell.

And they're like, can we please speak to an adult?

old yeah that's just him man that's just the innocence of a six-year-old that's where they

you know that's what's funny for him is poop and farting and uh that's funny to me yeah he loves

i was playing i was playing with gi joes today and i made i was making the gi joe bend over and

fart and he was laughing his ass off that's awesome i'll turn around and go like that

Cobra Commander

His fucking hood

Blew up

He just billowed in the wind

And he talked like Starscream

Starscream

Too many farts

Apparently we all have the mentality of a six year old

Yeah here we are

It's still funny

It is funny

Farts are the most funniest thing in the world

International joke man

Fart is always funny

as is a fat kid falling down that too and kids in uh wheelchairs falling down is funny

yeah this should that's my ball fat kid fat kid in a wheelchair falling down and farting

that should be on youtube that would break fucking gundam gundam style 1 billion views

i get 2 billion views if you give me a fat kid in a wheelchair tripping and falling in the dirt

let's make that happen come on let's recruit a fact and and he farts and like a little

it's like dirt cloud

it makes a mushroom cloud

yeah

and then we'll call

double step

hello

good evening

this is one of the restaurants

in mackinac hall

how may I help you

good evening monkey

merry christmas

would you like to make

an order please

okay

what can I get for you sir

I'd like one chicken biryani

okay

alright

one order of papadums

okay sir

one order of banshood

excuse me

banshood

one bamshood

uh i believe we don't have that no you don't know what bunch it is no can you describe it to me

yeah this when your sister comes down and pulls her skirt up and i put my face in between her

legs i go blue you know happy christmas fucking goddamn immigrants i'll try them again some

there's some indians don't know what it means and it's not funny i don't know and we'll put

matt to be on race racist see that's that's a funny racist good evening

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm going to put Matt on.

He's going to talk to you.

He's racist.

Go ahead.

Yeah, we're here to talk to you about the bed sheet and your fucking dirty sister's crotch.

How you doing there?

Sugar tits.

All right, let's do more Portrait Studios here.

Try to hit, I don't know.

Where do we leave off?

RBCP Leanne?

Is that where we're at?

I think you finished the ones from before, and I just sent you Leanne.

Leanne through Elva.

Okay, big Leanne.

Who's going to take this?

Anybody want to call?

I'll do it.

All right.

Big land.

Just call me Zyklon.

Anyone else?

Can we add more people to the conference, Ken?

I think Ken wants to be on.

I've got a great idea.

All right, cool.

Zyklons.

I got this.

I'm in a pay phone.

I got a great idea.

He's persistent.

He's a good guy.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Try it again.

Again, that's been working all night.

There we go.

That always helps when you whisper that as it's ringing.

Back on the phone, back on the phone, back on the phone.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

All right.

Brooks.

I know a guy named Brooks.

Yeah, she kept accidentally giving me the last names,

so I think this is the first name, but it could be the last name.

You've reached Lisa Onishi with Prudential Locations.

What the hell?

Please leave your message.

I guess that's her last name.

Those names don't sound anything like what you're talking about.

That's no Brooks.

All right, let's try it again.

I hear my iPad somewhere.

I got to check out my Simpsons, man.

I've been playing that nonstop since you made me play that.

Yeah, you fuckers.

They need to get that to Android before I can play it.

That's how they get you, man.

I know, man.

I

it on at&t threat track

the kids the kids will get it because it's free but then they'll wrinkle a lot of money

with it it's like 99 dollars worth of donuts is that still on the threat track the cyber

yeah credential locations the at&t channel or the youtube it's also like on their page

that they have that threat track i love i love that one guy that david gross

that one little like weasley little cat that's a dark i haven't heard in a while but that sounds

cool i try to do like i try to compliment him but he never comes back to it like oh yeah

this is a ropella we're repelling you is it for me still yeah you still got it you're the boss

we are not available now please wow what a proper sounding gent hello he's got some good pipes on

on him, right?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Got me, you know,

got the dick moving a bit.

This guy in the chat room,

his name's HeyGuy.

He says he sent you

a request to prank.

I don't know if you're

set up to check this.

I gotta log into that account.

Hang on, let me go over here.

Are you making him log in?

He really wants us to call this.

He's been telling me about it

for like two hours now.

Jesus.

Okay.

He's really irritating.

I wish he'd just call it

to shut him the fuck up.

Yeah.

When it does nothing,

when it'll be great.

I'm going to use my KVM switch to log in there

Brad plays some music

It's going to be a while

I've got to do some shit here

Is that the music I'm supposed to be playing?

You can play your shit

What's the music in that game that you play?

Oh, I know exactly what that is

Here it goes

That railroad game?

Rail maze

Is that a good game?

It's a puzzle type game

You have to figure out little puzzle things

and it's all themed around railroads it's pretty neat is that the one that goes

and it kind of sounds like cowboy like yeah yeah it's it's awesome yeah i spent i spent all day

yesterday listening to cacti your stream your cacti stuff and that was playing and then that

fanny pack song that um rappy did that one gets annoying like yeah because you played it for a

a whole show for like three yeah yeah it was one of those times i didn't realize i was playing

music throughout all of our it ruined all the pizza calls we did i think it was like

yeah yeah i did like that uh the fucking double clicks had the giant red phone

yeah like that was pretty bizarre i've never i've never talked to rappy he seems like a cool dude i

like how his album is live from the amway arena and that's my hometown orlando oh that's where

where the amway arena is from it's it's they blew it up though they blew it up a few months ago now

it's the amway center yeah you know the the show that you were talking about earlier that you that

you saw like uh they we talked about that apparently because i looked in the show notes and

it's like you know rappy blew it up with his mind or something like that okay i didn't hear that

part but yeah yeah it was just in the show notes yeah i was here i watched that live streaming on

the orlando sentinel website the newspaper they were showing it live i was like fuck you that

That sucks, man.

The Amway Arena, I have so many memories.

I have so many concerts there, man.

I saw you two there.

I didn't even know it was.

I went to so many Magic games.

I had season tickets for three years to Magic.

And, man, yeah, I know you don't care about sports, Brad.

You're not like that.

Matt, you don't like sports either, right?

No, no, no.

But I do enjoy a game.

Going somewhere.

We'll keep our comments to ourselves, Carlito.

That's cool.

No, I won't bore you.

I know you guys hate it when I talk sports

I know

I like White Sox games

When I talk shit about your sports

I'm mostly just imitating Nunu

I'm like this is a prank show not a sports show

Not a gay sports football show

Even though Nunu gets into

That fucking soccer shit anyway

He's always like oh fucking soccer

We beat your guys

Who gives a shit soccer

Yeah I know

Soccer ain't been the same since the Chicago Sting

Chicago Sting

that shit did they did they fold whatever whatever who cares about american league

god damn they're trying to bring a team to orlando it was like a cheesy it was like a

turquoise colored it looked like the fucking hornets uh but it was this like gay little b

oh man i don't know i don't know soccer man that's never gonna i mean it always has a

following in America, but it's never going to take off

like they want.

Alright, so who's sending it? I got a

request a prank from Adam Barr. Is that

who it is, Brad? He would

have sent it within the past two hours. His

name is HeyGuy on the

Madhouse chat. Let me see. I got one

35 minutes ago. I got one an hour ago

from James. I got one

five days ago. So it's one of these.

Quick, HeyGuy, tell us

who you are. What's your real name?

Who did you send it under, HeyGuy? Come on.

Stop being an asshole. Be cool, man.

Let's call them both.

We got Rent-A-Grandpa. Let's try that.

Rent-A-Grandpa is a Request-A-Prank.

That sounds...

That's some weird old dude with dementia.

He assures us it's going to be amazing.

All right, let me copy-paste this.

I got to do some relaying here to get this over, so keep talking.

Talk it up, for God's sake.

People in the chat room, please tell me if I'm playing music over the next prank,

because i know i'm gonna forget and and i can't hear it like we can't hear it when it's playing

yeah let us know if it's working or not bray i think you're doing a pretty good job man this is

good i'm so short doing an amazing job i'm really i'm really disappointed in jinn i want to make it

known that i mean jinn's my my friend i love the guy but i'm really disappointed in the way he

acted he's he's the one this is his idea to do the show tonight and he came out and then he

fucking man milkman i'll tell you i shouldn't be i think there definitely needs to be a new

new year's eve fucking giant party call i don't know what i might be out that night i might find

out to get laid i might be the night man finally after all these years after all these years i

might have i get you know i get lucky yeah consummate my marriage finally hey you know

that um portrait studio call i did with the printer catching on fire yeah have you ever

like back in the day like in the 90s uh text files and all that there was actually a text

file about, you could do that to a fax machine.

You could loop a piece of black construction paper

and send it to someone's fax

and it would just, it would heat up the

head so badly that it would

catch the machine

on fire. They claimed. I don't know if it was real

or not. Anonymous has been

trying to do that. Yeah, they did that to the

Scientology people. Yeah, and they've been doing the same

thing to Syria and Iran lately. They've been

sending the black faxes out.

It either

wastes the ink or, best

case scenario, it burns out the

fax though the printer had yeah

I've never heard about it well this text file that I was

thinking of when I did that call it they claimed

it would actually catch the thing on fire

like you could burn someone's office down

like you know by phone

which is pretty amazing like some

revenge with the fucking

broad from the exorcist yeah

whatever that means that's what it was

what are you talking about

there's some I don't know on the fun footage

festival the revenge of the thing

of the exorcist that makes

That makes sense.

Facts, Machines, Exorcist.

There it is.

She does this thing talking about revenge,

doing shit to people,

and it's really fucked up.

I can't think of her name now.

I don't even think there were Facts, Machines

when that movie came out,

but I hear you, man.

Cool.

There you go.

If I had control of the applause sound effect,

I'd play it right now for you.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

I've been playing some sound effects,

but you guys can't hear them.

That's cool.

So right now, we're hearing applause.

Yay!

It's here for Laugh Track Matt.

Yeah.

Shit.

My setup's all retarded.

I'm forwarding this request to prank

mails to my other email address. Give me a second.

I'll be ready. Thanks for making it all complicated,

IRC person.

It's not my fault, man.

No, no, it's his fault. It's HeyGuy's fault.

Fuck you, HeyGuy.

Fuck you, HeyGuy, and fuck you, Jim Stewart also, man.

I'm really disappointed in him.

I know I've said it a few times

Can we make fun of him for fucking teenagers

Yeah that too man

He's a pedophile

It's okay to be a pedophile

Because the law says it's alright

It's totally legal

Yeah there's a lot of

Weird

Weird laws

That's the thing

I can't record it but I'm going to do it

Alright let me get a gmail here

We're almost ready

I'm getting the hiccups here because I've been drinking

Is that music really loud for you when I turn it on?

It's really loud for me.

Yeah, it's kind of loud.

I don't know how to turn it down for us.

It's not that loud for them, I don't think.

Are they commenting?

No, nobody's complaining so far.

If the music's too loud, everyone in IRC, please tell me and I'll just turn it off.

Yeah, please deal with it.

Alright, someone else sent a request to prank.

Chill with the request to pranks, man.

This is a lot of work right now.

Yeah, man, we got like 30 more Sears numbers here.

Or not Sears, I meant Portrait Studio.

I'm giving you a lot to edit Carly

I'm sorry

I'm not in a rush I don't have anything to do

I'm waiting on

Santa Claus and for fucking

the local Air Force base to send

someone out here to fucking bring me in

Norad

come take me in and question me why

I fucking alerted the fucking

fucking burn

their goddamn eyes out with the cigar buddy

god hell yeah

I gotta go grab a cigar real quick

Let me post this in the chat.

This is a rent-a-grandpa.

This has been sent in by Cactus

in the chat room. Rent-a-grandpa.

For like what?

If your grandpa's dead or something?

I don't know. What do you rent-a-grandpa?

To watch your kids and molest your kids, maybe.

Or like, yeah, you're a dirty person.

That sounds legit.

Matt should be our grandpa. No, Milkman should be our grandpa.

Resident old man.

Can you get a job there?

It's a hilarious car

that I found at a diner. I posted

the business card image here. We got a picture

of the image. It's got a smiley face.

Rent-A-Grandpa, John Schneider.

The fuck do I want to rent a grandpa for?

That's so plow. He doesn't know John Ritter.

That's sketchy. That's pretty weird.

What? A past life help

detective agency investigator?

He does everything.

Holy shit. Active licenses.

He's got a security license.

But what the hell? Rent-A-Grandpa?

Airport trips. He's a black belt.

Cool. What the fuck?

he does airport trips minor repairs wash rvs he's a very healthy 75 ish can i post a helping hand

yard work yeah i'm gonna have a 75 year old guy do yard work and have a heart attack in my front

one yeah i can't wait for that okay here we go rent a grandpa everybody since we're calling it

i'm gonna go ahead and post it in the chat room if that's all right with you what's that you're

gonna do what can i post the link to the the business card in the chat room yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, totally, man. Go for it.

Do your thing.

Who's taking this? Anyone want it?

I don't know what to say to him.

I don't want a grandpa. He's creepy.

Creepy grandpa.

I'll talk to him.

Maybe ask him questions related to being a hooker.

Like, how much for this?

How much for this?

He's a black belt.

If you know what I mean.

All the equipment works.

Plumbing is good.

My plumbing doesn't work.

I'm going to save that one, though.

That's going to be a good one.

Let me try them again.

Yeah, because I'm afraid chatroom people are going to try and call it now.

I like how he says, very healthy 75-ish.

Chatroom people are good people.

Can you imagine a 4'3 black belt, 75 years old?

Except for Nintendo whatever.

He's a bat.

Nintendo skater?

I mean, when you're that old, do you really need the ish?

you know yes hi is this rented grandpa may i speak with john please no he can't why not what's

he doing sleeping what do you think well he's he says he's a healthy 75 year old man wake him up

please screw you fuck you bitch wait is he in the grave already is he eternally sleeping in him

it's a slang term he's sleeping he never woke up she's a feisty one i bet you she's like a young

She's a young 50 or something.

Yeah.

She's a wet, wet pussy.

I'm going to ask her to check

to see if she's breathing.

She's a young 62-year-old hottie.

Do you like yourself, Big Hand?

Young, pre-retirement.

Yeah, I'm going to see if she can wake him up.

He'll wake up when he gets swatted.

Go check to make sure he's breathing.

He gets swatted.

This is not my fault.

This isn't an official Madhouse show.

Can we just swat him?

Let's swat his house.

Sure, yeah, man.

We'll blame it on you.

I already got NORAD on us.

Might as well.

We'll blame it on Dex like we always do.

Yeah, let's get NORAD swatted.

No, we'll blame it on Mike Tucker and KDK.

There we go.

There you go.

Mike Tucker.

You and Tuck had a falling out.

Yeah, he's weird, man.

He just turned weird, and I don't know.

I just keep blaming prank calls on him all the time.

You know, I asked Tucker Mike to design...

What's that?

I still like his reefer

look in their eyes.

I like the comic thing he puts on Facebook.

I asked him to do an album cover, because he did your album cover,

Carlito, and

he sends me back, like, it's

basically the Anonymous logo, and he

added a few extra things on it, and I'm like,

what the fuck is this?

Well, that's the thing, I'm like, hey, Mike,

look, Tuck, look, it's,

I know you've always done the art

for Madhouse, you've always done a good job,

I'll pay you some money,

can you design a banner for the new

madhouse site because i redid the badhouse site a few months ago and he got he did it and it was

to be honest it was horrible it was horrible horrible horrible fucking banner he didn't put

any effort into it as i was like dude all right i'll put it up and he's like yeah i usually are

charged 150 dollars i'm like you want me to pay you 150 dollars for this like dude seriously like

after all the plugs i gave you on the show like you can you can have one of my drawings a shot

that's what i was like dude you like you know i mean i'll pay you i was like maybe i'll give you

a few bucks you know like but you know for years you used to call into my show we used to plug your

site all the time and your comics and i thought we were cool i thought he even knew a pro bono

and if not but he was like he was kind of like a dick and then he pisses milk went off to no one

because he interrupted like he got into this fight with milkman on the air like he can't interrupt

milkman on madhouse all the time and milkman was like man that's not cool you know and i offered

to pay him like he didn't he was really nice to me and everything that's what i told him it's like

talk man i'll pay you but dude seriously 150 bucks for for that like then i told jen and just like

oh fuck that man i'll make it so he made the banner we got now it looks pretty good i'm not

supposed to tell him when jen made it but jen jen's a web designer on his off time we're gonna

have to edit this out because he doesn't like anyone knowing about that but uh i swear he sent

me the he sent me the anonymous logo the the black guy in the black suit and he put a hat on

him that was it really he sent you the guy fox mask and no not not the not the mask it's like

the black silhouette with the question mark with the question mark with the um the uh you know

decorative circle type stuff around him really and he wanted me to pay for that but i could have

made that even i could have i could have just downloaded from google images and put a hat on

you could have got that from 4chan i'm just saying what the hell tuck i don't know what's up with

of him he's been really weird lately i'll be very happy if 12chan ever turned back on

it's the weed you need to slow down on the weed tucker mike yeah dude i love tuck man i got lots

of love a lot of love for you tuck man you're my brother but dude yeah i do too i think he's a good

person yeah he's like i don't know what that maybe he was just messing with me i don't know

i don't know that's what i thought he was doing with me with the banner i saw and i was like dude

seriously this like what like like what but i don't know like i like i said i plugged the site

so much on the madhouse site and the madhouse shows like for years he he got free plugs and i

never scoffed about it i never had a big deal about it and he came out like that and so i said

all right dude if you're gonna be like that that's cool man whatever you know whenever he i'm sure

he'll come around but he's been missing for like a good year he doesn't care about prank calls

anymore i guess i don't know he's just he keeps posting beatles pictures all odd obscure beatles

pictures and that like matt said though the weed stuff right the weed comic yeah yeah he did he

draws like fucking stupid good i really like his drawings yeah he really likes the beetles way more

than i care to like uh but i do like the reefer drawings the little cartoons yeah fucking dope

what's it called uh he's got uh hi buddies hi buddy buddies and there's uh there's a character

one character particularly he does a lot it's pretty cool um everyone go to facebook and

search for high buddies and it's a it's a weird comic thing it's kind of neat let's look for a

tuck yeah if you're high it's funny it's fun you you guys smoke a lot of wee and you'll laugh for

you you'll laugh for us and you'll jerk off to be watching he's awesome it's awesome that he lives

on a plantation with real life slaves he does yeah no seriously that was an old it was a plantation

back in the day that the fact that he still owns slaves is fucking dope yeah i know we joke about

Yeah, we joke about it, but

Nunu, I'll tell you, he's got real slaves.

Yeah, man. Alright.

That request to prank didn't work.

The lady got in our way. She cock-blocked us.

We were trying to call

the grandpa. We got someone selling a

scooter. This was sent in by Ken.

Big Ken, good friend of the show.

That old lady was hilarious about it, though.

Yeah. What did she say?

Something you wouldn't

expect out of a 75-year-old.

You got weird

It got weird quick.

Yeah, so this lady got really pissed off

with Dirty Aaron during his show

over the weekend.

This guy's selling a scooter.

I remember this.

Do you remember the one where Dirty Aaron got...

The guy said he wanted to find him at Walmart.

I don't know if you remember that at all from the show.

There's always trouble at Walmart.

That's where you meet in the parking lot.

Walmart, and then back in the day

when Reckless used to do shows with us,

he used to fight at the strip club.

It was fun. It was a big place to fight at.

You've got to meet in the Walmart parking lot.

If you're going to battle,

you can't do it.

Because every town has one.

Yeah, every town has one.

And the problem is they've got security cameras at Walmart.

Yeah, well, that's why

we're calling people on the other side of the world.

And they don't know that we're not

really in the town, so it doesn't matter.

And all the security cameras

will pick up an idiot.

Scooter for sale.

This is Scooter.

In Arizona.

scooter sale in arizona how's that even funny somebody got something he's just angry hey hey

can you hear me yeah hey milkman hey buddy hi milkman happy christmas yeah what's going on

over there hey what's up sorry okay my phone right now that's fine give me a problem that

was a loud beep look what are you talking about yeah i know and he like he's like you could barely

hear the guy and his beep was it just seemed loud because you couldn't under he couldn't hear that

guy at all and i was like hey that's how they get you they're they're all about fucking he's like

he's like shy ronnie yeah yeah shy ronnie comes on fucking hard man shy ronnie i don't think i'm

familiar with that uh he he does songs with rihanna on saturday night live it's uh that that guy

lonely island guy i don't watch much on snl you know what i do is snl on uh the day on sunday

mornings i go on hulu and i watch like yeah that's how i watch it all i watch one or two

fancy you fuckers you're like i'm not running ad blocker i can watch hulu

snl like you you if you put in an hour you know you you get all the crappy fucking

bits and stuff like that it's not that funny anymore yeah i i tried to watch it

like recently you just can't it's stupid it's not funny at all i can't well i just can't

watch hulu it won't let me guys i'm having i don't know my keyboard died here what's going on

i lost my keyboard i don't know it's your keyboard's ugly somebody drove their car into it

it's norad they're they're sabotaging your communications

how about a nice game of tic-tac-toe man no let's play global thermonuclear war

no that's a nice tic-tac-toe let's go straight through falcon's maze

guys seriously i lost the i lost i don't know what's going on here i think it's my oh here we

go people in the chat room can you check on the fark and see if there's been any nuclear strikes

in the united states in the past hours tell me if we're on alert one please i really want to know

what have i done do what now check cnn check georgia port please tell me what i what the

fuck i've done this time it's a simulation god all right i'm trying to get control of my

my fucking shittigan here.

Did you try turning it off and on again?

Yeah, I did. No, no, it's a

That's referred to as power

cycling now.

Exactly, power cycle. Power cycle your modem.

Here we go, I got it.

You need to power cycle it.

Oh, this is a seriously dude guy.

Now I remember. Try pulling the phone off of

the acoustic coupler for just a second.

And try feeding pictures

of Einstein and Robot Girl

in Weird Science.

That move is so stupid.

where they took a playboy

and they connected

fucking alligator clips to it.

There's a Beethoven

in Einstein.

Yeah.

So she's smart

and fucking that.

Yeah, hi.

Yes, I was calling

about the scooter.

What about it?

Oh, I wanted to buy it.

Is the guy there

that sells the scooter?

Is there a man?

We're about to talk

to this stupid cunt.

Oh, hey, go fuck yourself, buddy,

and have a Merry Christmas.

Yeah, but I have a finger

all the way to the knuckle.

How about that?

Ooh, will you?

What else?

Yeah, fucking go balls deep.

Keep going, buddy.

Yeah, whatever.

What else are you going to do?

balls deep cream pie you mean we're gonna make you airtight me matt rbcp i thought i thought she had

you dude i thought she was gonna be like she was gonna be like keep saying shit faggot you know

what i'm saying airtight man man i get the pussy matt what you want the ass or the mouth i want to

stab my own hole all right go brad in the gut brad you can get the mouth then yay dark stranger

get the asshole there we go milkman get the ass milkman you want the ass right there you go

You're good.

Yes.

I'm Milkman.

Well, Dark Stranger get both ears with their fingers, and we're good, man.

Remember when you were Milkman?

Yeah, I played the Milkman one time.

I listened to that recently.

That's the first time I'd ever heard it.

The hijack?

The hijack show?

Yeah.

On some Craigslist?

Yeah.

A lot of Technic tape players?

That was pretty odd.

That was old.

I was still sitting on the toilet, not staring at a toilet back in those days.

It played on...

The whole dichotomy changed.

It played on the stream, like, right before Carlito's show this week.

Yeah, that's right.

I heard it.

I listened to it recently.

Matt, what do you know about Vicodin, man?

I'm on my phone.

It took four and it's starting to hit me.

I would advise you to drink a lot with them.

That's what I'm doing, yeah.

Vicodin and beer.

I'm having Vicodin and red wine, you know what I mean?

Yeah, rock on, man.

Oh, yeah, man.

Cheers.

I got prescribed some Vicodin.

You drinking some Paso Ribbit?

drink milwaukee's beast ice nice is it the wrong 5.9 alcohol that's what i'm saying no the ice

it's always got the best uh bang for your buck dude that's the way you go i know it's fucking

it's 13 for a 30 pack you can't fucking beat that can't beat that and it's got more alcohol

on it fuck it who cares what it tastes like you just pop some skittles and drink it

it tastes like totally fine that's right yeah you pop some i'm an alcoholic i don't eat skittles i

do like those uh jolly rancher crunch and choose whatever it takes man you know

when i still lived in florida i used to get the my lunch break i go out to the 7-eleven i get

some natty ice and i would drink those to some skittles and by the time i got i drove back to

of my uh my job um i was pretty drunk i had about two and a half of those tall boys 24 ounce one

you know wow yeah that's rocking especially on a lunch break and then just eating a bunch of

fucking games yeah you came back with a blue mouth and a buzz yeah i only had a 30 minute

lunch break too so i was rushing you know and you're like yeah don't even make it that cold

yeah sometimes what i would do next to the 7-eleven there was a car wash and i was sitting

in the car wash and i smoke a blunt uh i get my car wash in the in the smoke a blunt because i

figured like the cops wouldn't see me if it was the car wash they wouldn't suspect anything because

it's yeah oh i know it's perfect sense yeah i used to smoke weed in the car wash all the time

and then i drive to work that's an expensive joint yeah to go in the car wash yeah man it's

like 10 bucks tim i just did the whacking off when i was going back from and somewhere i took

of a work vehicle or something and uh i was like hey look nobody can see me in here all right when

i was 20 years old this one time i got in a car wash and then there was the car wash in front of

the car wash there were these vacuum cleaners and there was this hot ass girl and she was vacuuming

her car she was in a skirt and she was bending over and yeah i um you know nothing wrong with

that i was was saying that she didn't even know i was watching i was like hey man i was eating

in those little shitty chune tobaccos

of those bandits.

Yeah, I remember this, like, ridiculously well.

I didn't remember it that well.

There you go.

Me and Matt bonding right here,

talking about whacking off the car wash.

Whacking off the car wash.

At the car wash.

Yeah, you ever take the vacuum in the car wash

and put it on your dick?

Did you play the Christina Aguilera songs?

Seems like a bad idea.

I have put house vac...

Or I put...

And I put industrially vacuums

when I worked at the Wrigley Gump factory.

I was just kidding

you could have pulled your dick off

I would fuck you up

I made sure to keep it

so it didn't really get on

and I just used the vibrating conveyor belts

i lived in orlando the car wash by my house some

guy got arrested because he kept uh using the vacuum cleaner to masturbate and they it was by

school and he finally got arrested

and made the news and everyone was like

he really did that? He was putting his

dick on the vacuum and he came back

and he said like the news interviewed him

he was like look I got a problem I'm sorry

I got this thing I keep wanting to put

the vacuum cleaner in my dick and he kept

wasting quarters. I remember

fucking around with it because there were

like vacuum lines all around that factory.

We've all tried it at least once in our life.

I couldn't fit.

I couldn't honestly. I'm like a beer can.

Yeah, well, I think the gum factory, like, industrial lines created dirt.

As in wood.

Like a goddamn can of paint.

There's an idea, though.

Vacuum cleaner and a flush light at the end of it.

That might work out.

I'm going to try that one day.

I'm sure Japan's working on it.

Yeah, sure.

With anime face on it somewhere.

Anime face.

All right.

right uh adam bar sent in a request to prank for a lot of numbers i didn't think we sent a lacy who

works at a mental asylum call her and tell her there's been medicine reported missing she might

have been seen bringing a straight jacket home okay something these requests are kind of wacky

sometimes guys i'll be honest with you let me they're very they're very specific interesting

they are brad did you brad did you ever send up a uh set up a request to prank for your site you

You never did that, right?

No, no, I never got around to it.

People just emailed him.

He was a fucking boss, god damn it.

He hated his fans, and he still does.

Yeah, yeah.

I just, I got my own numbers.

I'm not lazy like you, Carlito.

I know.

Well, I want the people to get involved.

They seem to like it when you...

No, I agree.

That's a great idea.

I wish I would have done that.

But people emailed me stuff all the time.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, and the ding calls are great.

Oh, yeah.

I know you recently had to cut that out

because I heard those voicemails.

It was like,

That was a tiny fraction of all the fake calls I got.

It was like non-stop fake calls every day.

That was like a week or two worth of fake calls.

Fucking white boys.

A number and a fucking white boy.

God damn it.

God damn white boys.

Fucking white boys.

Does anybody want this?

That first year of carding calls was amazing, though.

We got some really awesome stuff.

Remember that guy in Canada, that black guy that was like, what happened, man?

Remember?

You know what I'm talking about?

The BMW guy or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The Audi.

Audi?

Him, the BMW guy, and the Audi guy.

Those were my two favorites.

Yeah.

That black guy that was like, what happened?

You know, that was funny.

And then I like the one that me and Matt and Samantha did together, where Matt hit her

in the eye and punched her in the eye, and then I was the lawyer.

I filed a lawsuit against this guy.

Wow.

because it's his fault because he got driven to it because of that i was like the whole mentality

about the audi thing i got mad at my wife i got into a fight in the car next to it so i came out

and kicked it and then i left and then i left to know that that picture was real of her putting

those fucking codes all over her as they call them pylon yeah i don't know if you heard about

that one carlito but like samantha surrounded his car with traffic cones and then took a picture of

of it and then that's the that's the mercedes guy oh wait no no no wait no i'm sorry that's

not the mercedes guy that's a different it's a very expensive car no no it's a different one

that's the one where samantha talked to him and she was high she's like i felt myself go up in

the seat and fall back down and she really was high when she made the call which was actually

funny is that the one where she gives her name was wa yeah that one yeah but roy it's pronounced

announced wah because i'm a female yeah wah okay does anybody want this mental asylum

chick that works mental asylum i'm pretty toasted right now i don't know what's going on

this scooter definitely hang out dealing with crazy people and feces we can hang out feces

man that's something i go for that pizza i know it's cheap shitty pizza but there's something

about all you can eat pizza said feces uh i thought you said cece close enough cece's close

enough might as well be the same thing yeah rock and roll every fucking christmas that taco pizza

is the bomb though man they put fucking taco meat jalapenos jalapenos and assholes jalapenos

jalapenos they're a motherfucker they're green yeah you want to eat greens i'm sorry but the

person you called has a voicemail box hold on hold on hold on wait wait call it back call it

back let's do some illegal hacking well well you know we've done norad already so why not oh it's

not set up yeah might as well fucking it's just getting real real it's not my show i don't give

a shit i think it just got real fuckers this is the tucker mike show hello hi what is hi is this

lacy yeah hi lacy you work at the mental asylum place right if you want to call it that yes i'm

sorry for lack of decorum um i work with the international pill machines and we've got a

report of medicine being reported you might have been bringing a straight do you have a straight

jacket at all that you brought home without permission uh no well there's no there was

there's a straight jacket that wasn't checked in and something and apparently you have some

kind of fetish where you wear the straight jacket while your husband puts like three fingers in you

knuckles deep my god really yeah really no seriously do you wear the straight jacket

while your husband takes control of you or do you have a husband again my name is roy some people

call me wah and they told you i have a straight jacket yeah no there was a straight jacket that

wasn't checked back in so this is management yeah what was that noise in the background what is that

i don't know i don't want to talk to you it's a little helicopter i'm gonna put someone else on

because I don't want to talk to you.

Matt, go ahead.

You need to talk to somebody?

Yeah, Matt's going to talk to you.

Matt!

Yeah, how you doing?

Bring back the straitjacket.

I don't have a straitjacket.

Bring it back.

Bring it back, Mike.

Bring it back.

Okay, well, if I happen to have a straitjacket.

Yeah, is it what?

Or do you want to close your job?

If I just bring it back.

That'll be a happy fucking Christmas

if you don't bring it back.

Really?

Yeah.

uh shit i get hard thinking about shit sooner children in the background i like that i like

that they're not asleep at night hang on what's up girl you smoke you smoke her yeah i'm smoking

yeah what do you smoke you smoke newports no i'm smoking more bro yeah how you get down what else

you do huh what else you do you like you got to get you let the get down you know the party

Let's go grab a party, yeah.

Yeah, me and Matt are taking Vicodins tonight and fucking drinking beers.

What are you doing?

You want to hang out?

I haven't taken any Vicodins.

Who is this?

You ever been airtight?

Yeah, you had some guys make you airtight.

Me and Matt.

And we need one more.

Like a Chinese finger drip, sweetheart.

Yeah, man.

Finger cuffs.

You ever done that?

No.

You know what finger cuffs is?

You don't have to be ashamed.

You can admit it.

We're all cool with it.

It's fine.

Yeah, that's cool.

Well, we'll make your airtight or finger cuffs.

If you're scared of three, we'll make two guys only.

Finger cuffs, man.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, goodness.

Hold on just a second.

Hang on.

Hey, you like IV bags?

No.

So if I bring the straitjacket back, if I had it,

if I didn't add some carapace on it, would that be a problem?

No, that would be a plus.

We're still going to make you airtight.

Bonus.

Yeah.

Well, we're just trying to get you back here.

Or, like, we'll come pick you up.

This isn't management.

Yeah, this isn't management.

We're calling from the corporate office, ma'am.

Where is that located at?

Hey, why did you steal a straitjacket?

I didn't steal it.

I just borrowed it.

You're in so much fucking trouble right now.

I don't know.

I really don't have a straitjacket.

You borrowed it.

You just admitted that you borrowed it.

So, do you have it or not?

I already took it back.

It never arrived back here, so...

She's sitting with you.

I took it out of the closet,

and then I put it back in the closet.

If you know what I mean.

It's there.

Ma'am.

Yeah?

We're going to have to take care of this one way or another.

We'll make you airtight.

It'll take care of it.

We won't tell anybody.

I get the mouth, you guys.

I get the ass.

I'm an ass guy.

Matt, you get the pussy, you know?

What?

Yeah.

Whatever.

What about your ears?

I don't want to suck on her belly

The fake person

Milkman will put his fingers in your ears

And then Dark Strange is going to get your belly button

If she does have that

Straight jacket

I think she should use it on our children

Can you wear the straight jacket

While we do all this

Yeah we'll make you airtight

Get the straight jacket

It'll be hot

We'll videotape

Do you have any pills from the mental hospital?

No.

Well, we don't have a little pill party.

I got some.

It's okay.

We got plenty here.

We'll bring it with us.

What?

We didn't ask if you were drunk.

Oh.

We're all bunches.

Oh, you must be drunk.

Look, we're just horny.

We want to make you airtight.

We even got a chick here.

If that's what you're into, well, you know, it's going to happen tonight.

You're going to get fired for taking a straight jacket.

What do you want?

Airtight or fired?

like 10 minutes of you know or no you guys are fucking with me yeah we're gonna be fucking

who is this really not yet we're not fucking it's all about fucking could you please say

do it now do it yeah do it do what now do what now do it like a true stupid fucking

I'm trying to figure out which one of y'all fuckers this is.

Seriously, who is this?

I'm Tucker Mike.

I'm Mike Tucker, and I live in Tennessee.

We're calling from the corporate office.

The corporate office is in Little Rock.

Ma'am, we know the corporate office better than you do.

No.

Can you shut your kids the fuck up?

Shut your kids up.

That's a total turnoff.

I'm losing my mind.

Don't talk about my kids.

Have more shitty children out of wedlock.

Put the kid on the phone.

Yeah, put your kid on the phone.

What?

You just made your kids cry.

Put your kid on the phone right now, or else.

Do you want to talk to my kids?

Yeah, I want to talk to your kids.

We'll make him airtight.

You want to be airtight?

Santa's not real.

Santa's fake.

Santa just had a heart attack.

He crashed.

Ho, ho, ho, show your titties

Hey, it's Tuck, yay

Who is this?

It's Tuck, Tucker Mike

It's not Santa, because Santa's not real

I'm Tucker Mike, and I'm an artist

I check for high buddies

I'm a pervert

Listen, get on the internet, ma'am, and search for high buddies

Yeah, search for high buddies

That's us

That's who you should file charges against

He's a serial, serial rapist

all right sweetie we're gonna let you go bye we'll see you in about 20 minutes

i want to do that man alone hey everyone i do bad things tucks here my uh tucks here everybody

hey dog hello we're just talking shit about you talk yeah i've heard it so i had to come on

all right defend your shit my golden shit by the way my golden shit do i owe you money tuck i'm

sorry for you honey man i'll pay you money what kind of shit do you have based on the bristol

I'm going to pay value $50 right now.

$50, thank you.

That's what I need.

For the anonymous thing.

I'll give you 100 pesos.

I'm going to give you three bitcoins.

That's almost a laugh from the guy from the hotel.

Talk seriously.

We all love you, but you turn your back on the prank call people.

No, I'm the only one that loves you.

Why'd you turn your back on us prank call people, man?

man, what happened? You got too good for us? What happened?

No, no, no. It was like,

I let you guys have

a great show, and

I guess it was

the whole we're not playing games

episode. I was like,

yeah, I'll take a little break for a while.

Milkman's fault for not playing games.

No.

Fucking Milkman.

Why did I act like that guy?

He seems like a bad guy. I think he's asleep.

Any guy who's not playing games

seriously Milkman

why aren't you playing games Milkman

play some games

play the game

master game player

you can't

if you're not going to be playing games

there you go

we're making girls airtight tonight

what do you want

I already cleaned the ass

Matt you want the mouth

no no I get the mouth

is that because you're the host

that rocks this town

Well, I could get the cooch

if I wanted, but I'm going for the ass.

I'm being generous.

Brad's

Dark Stranger has the belly button for whatever

reason. Brad's got the mouth.

You're a fucking weirdo, Dark Stranger.

I'd probably go for feet.

What's left? Ear?

Or ears?

I don't know what else to do.

You can stick your...

You can get some foot pussy, too.

You can put the feet together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like feet.

Okay, I take them with me.

I'm not a big feet person.

That's easy. You just take a lot of lube and you lube up the feet

and you put them together and there you go.

I fucks feet.

You fuck that fucks feet.

I fucks feet.

How wide is your butthole?

There you go.

Hang out with us, man. Do some pranks, man.

It's been a long time.

I'm here. It's a Christmas Eve

and, you know, having some Christmas Eve.

Oh, so you just have pity on us.

You're just going to do it because it's Christmas Eve.

Whatever.

He's bestowing his fucking

High Buddies art on us now tonight

everybody

What's your website tonight?

Happy Christmas

TuckerMike.com

TuckerMike.com everybody

What's High Buddies? Is it HighBuddies.com

or has it got it's own domain?

Yeah, HighBuddies.com

has it's own domain

LemonParty.org

It's still up

I haven't done a high body

in a year

Tuck, tonight I was

watching a documentary about Muhammad Ali

and they were showing a segment where Muhammad Ali

hung out with the Beatles

there were some really funny pictures

I think you should post on Facebook

because you're really into that stuff

yeah, I know the pictures you were

referring to, it was like picking up Ringo

or whatever

and then yeah, do that

because those assholes were like

Like, we don't want to hang out with Muhammad.

We want to hang out with Sonny Liston.

Really?

Yeah, and then Muhammad came out, and they were like,

we'll cash this clay back then.

And they were like, oh, we'll hang out with him instead, whatever.

And then he beat the shit out of Sonny Liston

because Sonny Liston was a big fucking gorilla.

Oh, yeah, that fight.

Yeah, that's right.

There you go.

That was a big fight, man.

Yeah, that made him.

Gorilla.

The racism comes out.

No, that's what Muhammad Ali said.

He called him a big fucking gorilla.

He called everybody, he called everyone he thought he was a gorilla because he's a little lighter skinned than most of these other guys, so it was like inner fight.

So I get it, so I was exactly right.

Yeah, yeah, I was very racist.

Mahalo Nelly is a very racist man.

Oh, he was hilarious, he'd come out.

And that's why God stroke him down and make him shake all the time.

Yeah, that's right, now he's got the fucking cake.

Happy fucking birthday, Jesus.

Thank you for striking that goddamn mulatto down and making him shake.

for the whole future.

He's got the Michael J. Foxes now.

Yeah, right.

Another goddamn race traitor.

Michael J. Fox? What did he do?

Well, what was it?

He played a young Republican

in the 80s.

Oh, yeah.

All he did was go back

in time, man.

Anyway, Sherry, we need to call her back.

Brad, you say Sherry?

Yeah, the lady that burned down Sears

that cost

127 jobs she needs to be talked to it's up to 127 now yeah i wasn't counting the janitors before

janitors i don't know they might be pulling some overtime to clean up the fire damage

yeah they got a job for hi it's sheree

i'll try her again those hawaiians like to pick up on the second ring because you're lazy and

shiftless all hawaiians enjoy this horizon ring back on while your party is sweet matt matt what's

the lyrics to this song i'm mad and i'm like this hi it's sheree fuck sheree man come on

yo you don't want sheree i think we ruined sheree we ruined her christmas eve

All right, we got a lot of more numbers.

Guys, listen, we got UK numbers if you want,

and we got some gas stations here.

Just do it.

We got some more Santa Clauses.

Gas stations.

All right.

Just call NORAD.

Hurry me up, sir.

Let's not call NORAD again, please.

I already fucked with them enough.

I already got the fucking NORAD on alert.

All right, Circle S Mart.

Well, it's just Santa Claus Circle S-Mart.

I don't know what that means.

Who sent these?

Lonesome.

Ah, okay.

It's been confirming numbers all night.

We haven't hit many of them.

Yep.

Because we got so many of my stupid numbers.

You got more, too, don't you?

You got more?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got a ton more.

I got, like, at least 20 more.

Yeah, pay some more.

They're in your butt, boy.

They're in your butt.

Pay some more, because it's getting late, and we want to make sure they answer, bro.

What time is it in Hawaii?

7 o'clock now?

6 o'clock?

We tried Elva, right?

And Elva didn't answer?

Uh, yeah, I got through the last batch.

Okay, Elva, so let me put in the next...

There's the next four for you.

We got Garrick.

What kind of name is that, Garrick?

It could be Garrick.

You know, like, I didn't ask her to spell anything.

I just wanted her to go through real fast.

It's a very Tennessee name.

Here we go.

I'll mute, uh, kissing.

That's nice.

Talk, do you ever take Vicodins?

You ever do Vicodins, man?

I don't think so.

Not really, no.

Hello?

You're going.

Hello, is this Garrick?

Hello?

Is this Garrick?

Yes.

Oh, hi, this is, um...

This is Roy from the Portrait Studio.

You had some pictures done here today? Yesterday?

Uh, no. I bought

some, uh, gift certificates.

Yeah, but you were here. You were doing business

with the Portrait Studio, correct?

Yes, okay.

Well, the gift certificates, they're not going to be any good.

They're not going to work.

Were you buying them as a gift for somebody for Christmas tomorrow?

Yeah.

One of our employees,

he's always been a pretty

shifty person, and I

I think what he did, he just printed some fake gift certificates on his home computer

and brought them into work, and he sold those to you.

So basically, he sold you a piece of paper that's worth nothing.

Like, who were you going to give these to?

Two of my friends.

Two different friends.

Really?

Did you give them out already?

One of them out already.

Yeah, you're going to want to let them know that...

The other one I haven't given yet.

You're going to want to let them know that the Christmas gift you gave them is garbage.

Tell them to throw it in the trash.

Okay, so what do I do from here?

That's pretty much it.

just let them know it's garbage and maybe buy them something else no but i must be able to get

my refund back or something right um our computer's not set up for this we don't have any way to deal

with this we've never had to we've never had this problem before we've let him go though so it's not

going to happen to anyone else so just so you know you're the last well no but i'm like i just paid

120 something dollars for this you know right but what are we supposed to do about it i mean it's

it's just a piece of paper it's not real and he already took the money we can't get the money

No, but I should be able to get another gift certificate or something, right?

To replace the ones that I lost, right?

If this was a happy little movie with the perfect little ending, that's how it would work.

But this is real life.

There's nothing we can do.

I'm sorry.

I wish we could.

I feel horrible.

What was your name again?

My name is Roy.

And you're the manager?

Right.

Correct.

Okay.

Is there a number I can reach you back at?

Definitely call up your friend, let him know that that gift certificate's no good.

Just have him throw it in the trash.

No, but what's your number?

Here at the Portrait Studio?

Yes.

808-512-01513.

512 what?

01513.

015, too many numbers.

No, it's one of the new 11-digit numbers because Hawaii's running out of numbers,

so they put an extra digit on the end.

Okay, so let your friend know.

I have to call up some more customers and let them know about this problem.

So I'm going to have to let you go.

But just let them know that that's no good.

And buy them something else.

Well, this is not acceptable.

And I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.

And have a nice Christmas.

Merry Christmas and everything.

Thank you for shopping at the Portrait Studio.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's your last name?

Gerbel.

Roy?

Gerbel.

Did you spell that?

G-E-R-B-I-L.

Can you believe that Nitrous is posting phone numbers in the chat room?

he just posted a number

I can't believe

Nitrous is able

to do that

as a compound

it doesn't seem right

like it's a very

it's common sense

you don't post numbers

in the chat room

what the fuck Nitrous

yeah

you're in trouble

for that Nitrous

you're banned

ghost click him

Merry Christmas sir

have a nice

have a good Christmas

oh yeah

hey Merry Christmas sir

you guys

that bought the

fraudulent things

wait what's going on

happy

no

happy fucking Christmas

we're just saying

Merry Christmas

we're sorry for the

inconvenience and have a nice night and sorry to call so late and goodbye hey hang up or put your

daughter on the phone yeah this is where you hang up the phone unless you have something to offer

us like a daughter yeah can we make her airtight we got a few guys abroad i get the mouth i dibs

on the mouth everyone i got the ass and dirty ass stupid night i got the armpits and he's gone

Lube up the pits

Alright, let me call him back

See if he answers

I had a fucking armpit

It's alright

They had a little

As long as it's not shaved

As long as it is shaved

I'm kind of an old fashioned guy

I like unshaved armpits

Really? You're French

He's a dirty fucking hippie

Dirty Frenchman

Yeah, hi, we were talking about making your daughter airtight

Hey, you got anything going on?

You guys like the party?

I love the party.

Is it just that I start talking late, or do they hang up the second they hear me?

I think he's just sad because his daughter...

I think it's just that...

It might be the daughter part.

Yeah, his daughter died last Christmas, so he's just kind of depressed.

She is our tight fucker.

She's on the ground.

Silent night, Asian night.

Four.

That's me yellowing.

You can't get any more airtight than in a casket underground, I guess.

Right.

Sorry.

You know, I can say that my mom died this year.

The worms crawl out.

The worms play pinnacle on your snout.

Yeah, Carly, that's like black people who think they're allowed to be racist because they're black.

There's no such thing as racist black people.

Come on, man.

No, no, I'm just saying.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, I don't think that they like to be referred to as people.

They're animals of some sort.

They're property.

You know, I'll tell you what Matt can relate to me.

I went to the black part of town

to get a haircut and I sat down

and they sat three people ahead of me

and that's bullshit

yeah that's how they get you

that's reverse racism

yeah they're savages

they're animals

they belong in the fucking jungle

right Matt?

Tuck must be a slave owner

right?

my great great great great

where did this used to be come from

Tuck still owns slaves

yeah he's like how what christy has he calls him a indent i'll call him an indentured servants now

well okay technical things sickles medical right yeah how are you gonna get through that round

you call it as i call him indentured servants yeah y'all know that you live on a plantation

with indentured servants yeah he pays him fucking minimum wage to pick cotton

he chains them

and makes them live in a shack

and controls how they breed

he makes the stronger ones

breed together

and they all have his last name

Hey, Tuck, tell me

Big plans for New Year's? Black Eyed Peas this year?

What's going on, man?

Yeah, I haven't thought about it

Yeah, of course.

What do you do?

Shrimp and black eyed peas?

What's the story?

No, not together.

That'd be like shrimp on Christmas and black eyed peas on New Year's Day.

Separate but equal.

The black eyed peas.

Man, am I fucked up.

All right, let's do some more prank calls.

I love it.

I like to poop.

Okay.

All right, so we already got the mental silent lady.

She's out of the way.

She just wanted to laugh.

Screw the lady.

That seemed dodgy.

Yeah, I hear you.

We got a hilarious card.

She was way too talkative.

I think whoever fucking posted that number

is in the chat room

and sitting right next to her.

Yeah, probably.

Like, hey, are you going to get a funny phone call?

Play around with it.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Here's some UK calls.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Brad, you send in more Sears.

I've got enough Sears to last us the entire night

We can just go till 5 in the morning

Yeah I'm good

5 in the morning

That's when the fucking yeas come out

UK time of course

Dude I got unemployment money

Me and Matt both on unemployment man

We're rocking it

I haven't had unemployment money forever

I just have pity

You got the Obama phone Matt

Yeah I do still have the Obama phone

Did you vote for Obama for your phone

I don't vote

You're a felon

I don't want to be part of the goddamn problem

Good thing, best idea

Best thing you can do

Did we call Samantha already for the

No, we haven't called her

Facebook.com slash the Samantha

The Samantha

I've got all kinds of videos where I'm like

Trying to go over skirt and shit

You didn't put those up yet

No I haven't, I've got like a lot

I was going through like

Videos the other day and I have all kinds of shit

Well, she came over to your house, didn't she, Matt?

Yeah, I've hung her out with Samantha a couple times.

There you go.

She seems really cool.

She seems like a cool person, man.

Matt gets all the action.

He gets all the spoils.

Civil War.

Yeah.

Everybody loves to hang out with Manny.

People like to watch somebody drink themselves to death.

Hey, one of the streams is offline.

Brad, which one is it?

Let me see.

Everything looks good to me.

It says everything's working.

working your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system seven

i'll try it again yeah i don't see any problems with the stream everything looks fine to me

it's back who was the hacker again i forget what's his name the famous hacker guy

kevin minnick yeah minnick mitnick yeah i think we all need to be minnick for the rest of it

I'll be Captain Crunch.

He was actually in her.

He was like...

Whatever.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Well, fuck your automated shit.

Carissa's next.

I'll automate this.

Captain Crunch is coming at you, motherfucker.

And then we'll whistle right in the phone.

And John Draper's gonna fucking rape you.

And then he'll wipe out the eastern seaboard with nukes.

Yeah.

Confidence is high.

I want to be Snuggles, the fabric softener.

What?

we're gonna be something there you go is that how you talk to slaves

no one is available to take your call please leave a message after the tone all right i'll

try them again three two one i thought he wanted to talk to him about fucking slave snuggles who

was the one who was who was the one that wasn't set up yet i gotta call that one so we can hack

it oh i forget um it wasn't three one two i don't know really yeah i think i may have deleted it

after they answered. I've been deleting them.

Ah, Chipmunk.

It would have been the last four that I sent you.

I'll figure it out.

Nitrous says he wants to drive Matt Hillock around for New Year's Eve.

Is that Nitrous Cookie, same person, or what?

I don't know who he is.

He's the guy that posts phone numbers.

Phone number error? What the fuck?

It's NORAD.

They're intercepting your calls.

Shall we play a game?

I have to do it or you'll hear my inner sanctum door.

I still can't believe I did that.

I seriously wonder what happened over there.

I'm like, oh, we're in a confidence report.

Ken's here.

Hey, Big Kenneth.

How you doing?

What's the frequency, man?

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

Yeah.

Ken's over there.

Ken's here.

All right.

Applause.

Yay.

Clap, clap, clap.

Give me approximately 20 seconds and the applause will start.

There you go.

Okay.

Rock and roll.

You've got to start

Handlining it

Crank it up

Alright

Well I'm a

He's like

He drops a weight

Off the destiny

And it

And it goes down

A rope

And starts a

Crank crank crank crank crank

It sounds like

The monster in Lost

Yeah

Lost

That was retarded

That fucking monster

They just made a fucking joke

Locke's walking around dead

I watched

Like a part of one

Cause I thought

There was supposed to be

A monster

And it was

Stupid bear

I'll call it again

but I'll explain I got to the point where

I really liked it at the beginning and they started

fucking around then I got to the point

where all I would

well I got to the point where all I would do was

I would watch the last episode because

they would have an hour before where they recap

the whole season

that's all I needed to do was

alright give me the Cliffstones version

the hour before and I'll watch the last

Last episode of this season.

They're okay.

I'll take a break until the next season's over.

Because other than that, I was fucking just masturbating yourself watching, waiting for something to happen.

Fuck that shit.

I loved Lost.

Except for the last season.

It was a good show.

I mean, I've caught up on Netflix, but fucking shit, man.

God.

I thought it was for gays.

That's why I loved it so much.

There you go.

It's a closeted homosexual show, Brad.

Think about it.

I've been messing with Brad about work and marriage.

I'm sorry, Brad.

That's messed up.

it's okay i got you back by what i posted on facebook tonight about your show that's true

i don't know if you saw that or not i haven't seen it yet let me check can you read it on the

air for extra humiliation yeah let me go it's on the phone losers um facebook the phone was

just facebook or play some music because i can find it it's playing prank phone calls no phone

is it a page i don't know i'm drunk uh cheers buddy here i'll find it and i'll read it to you

Yeah, oh, that'll be even better

It'll be coming from the venomous mouth

The horse's mouth

Oh, I think I'm wrong anyway

I think it's the cacti

It's gonna come from your

Venom-spitting

Shitty mouth

Tonight, Carlito is doing a very special Christmas Eve show

Because nobody loves him

And he's got nothing better to do tonight

The start time will be around 7pm

Come and listen to him drink all his problems away

It's pretty weak

That's pretty much expected

Yeah, I thought he did something

because that made me get on it.

That's weak sauce.

I thought I did really good on that.

No, he thought that was

a real zing. Really? Would you say

zing after that? I wouldn't.

That's weak sauce.

Brad, did you say zing after you

typed that? I said it out loud.

I didn't type it on the Facebook.

Alright, let's listen to UK calls real quick.

We're going to do plenty of show more.

I'm pretty good. Are you guys good at keeping

going on? I'm good for three more

four more hours i'm gonna i'm gonna go pee right now and get a new beer

but i would like the whole brad carter's cock in my mouth right now hey i'll take pics but

i'm turning music off and you guys can do prank calls and i'll be back in two minutes

all right man we're gonna make brad airtight that's the thing you make a guy airtight you

need one less person man that's even yeah well i guess it's i don't know there's actually really

really a lot of holes in somebody if you really think about it if you think what with a chick you

got you know the cooch or the ass still there's there's a hole two hands things there's there's

ears and eyes and noses and mouth what the fuck you're gonna do with that ear or mouth the ear

but that's where airs could escape you gotta make them airtight but when you do in the mouth you

You plug the ears up.

You grab her like, hmm.

That's your shit.

I'm just trying to get my head around it.

He's trying to get your head around it.

All right, let me leave you some prank calls here.

Here's, let me post.

I'm going to put them in the chat, who we're calling,

in case you guys want to know who we're calling.

Matt, have you ever prank called the UK with us?

You never have.

I don't think you've had the honor yet.

No, and I, oddly enough, have.

I have called the UK, and I never use it.

All right, here we go.

Hey, let's put a couple of hospitals in there for dude.

What are you planning on doing with this?

I don't know.

We just fuck with them.

Have them flush the toilet or something.

Very polite.

They're nice people.

They are very nice people.

When Brian gets back, I got to grab a cigar.

I'm going to go grab a cigar.

Welcome to voicemail.

The person you have called is on the phone.

I'll try it again.

Go grab a cigar.

I'll fag out.

All right, let me try this first.

and roll and get shit happening actually where is it i don't even know where my humidor is

somewhere right there welcome to voicemail all right uh matt entertaining people while i go to

my humidor grab a cigar no that's up i'm the king of the castle look at me everybody you

fucking jackass look at matt how you doing getting fucking drunk what the fuck are you doing i'm

sitting in a chair staring

in the toilet. I want Carlito to go get

a cigar and, like, a fucking blowtorch

to see if we can't burn this motherfucker down.

Oh, what motherfucker are we burning

down there? Well, Carlito's fucking

partner. He already started this in Clearwater.

I went and sent some numbers in

for the UK hospitals to piss Nunu

off. Anybody with O-O

in their name sucks. Hi,

I'm back. I peed a lot.

Hey, Carlito

went to go grab a cigar.

Here I am. I'm back.

Everybody's

I'm waiting to see

who pops out of that fucking closet.

Good to rock and roll.

We should

start whacking.

I think Carlito's

hiding Milkman in that fucking closet.

I'm waiting for him to come out of it.

Milkman's in the closet eternally, man.

He'll never admit.

I'm looking at Carlito's fucking camera

for the show and it's staring right at his closet

door.

I didn't even know there was a camera move

Hang on let me move that back

I'm sure Skype is such an out of focus

Horrible

Are you broadcasting on YouTube Carly does

Yeah yeah I started up

I'm pretty sure

The phone call audio goes out

You guys we should do that

Brad you know with YouTube

We can set up so you can join YouTube

And we can all broadcast together

And switch cameras back and forth

Like a TV production

Sounds crazy

sounds crazy

sounds awesome I got a YouTube channel

let's do it look I'm on video right now

I did notice and like it on your

video now it's zoomed in more

instead of being all short and shit on your video

yeah I know I don't know how to control that

oh is that how easy that is on YouTube now

you can just hit like a broadcast button

some broadcast thing

yeah it's Google Plus technically

it's Hangouts on Air I don't know but it works

it's probably the Google Plus thing

gotcha

check that out

You should check that out

You should draw comic books

Marijuana comic books

Live on Google Hangouts

You could smoke marijuana cigarettes

And draw and everything

But you're probably kidding actually

That would probably take you off like quick

Oh that's just the paranoia talking

That's the marijuana

No I mean YouTube policy

Your YouTube policy could be anything in that

What you send them a fucking sample of it

Yeah it could be K2

Yeah no one knows man

That could be god damn

That could just be wood shavings

Wood shavings

I'm smoking tea leaves and sawdust

There you go

Like a fucking gay wood

There you go

Tuck what's up with Mug Sticky

Are you hanging out with him anymore

Or do you guys have a falling out

No we're not falling out

Everyone just moves on to the next gig

Who would in a fight

Mug Sticky or fucking Rappi McRapperson

I think that would be a good fight

Mug Sticky would be the shit

I don't know, man.

Happy Maker Everson,

he has a concealed

carry permit, and he likes

to serve fires.

Muggles just want to hug him.

Muggles is really a fighter.

So then how is he going to win?

I don't know.

You're getting blown by his flavor right now.

Yeah, it looks like the Beatles are winning with love,

and look what happened to John Lennon. That sure got

him far, huh?

Quit trying to get Raffy killed.

Sorry, dude.

Sorry, that was messed up.

All right, here's a British guy named Savile.

Why wouldn't they be named Savile?

Oh, that guy.

You talking about the top of the pot presenter that pitched Little Girls?

Yep.

Yeah, is this Savile?

Yes.

Hey, you like to party?

What's up, man?

No, it's nuts.

Is this Seville or Savile?

What's your name?

Savile.

Okay, good.

What's on TV?

What are you watching?

Is Santa Claus on his way?

Santa Claus is coming?

What did you get for Christmas?

Tell me.

Did you get anything nice?

Or are you upset at your husband?

We can make it better.

What's this called about?

It's about Christmas and love.

Yeah.

Help me if you can.

I'm feeling down.

And I need something to bring me around.

Talk, how's the song go?

Help me if you want my feet off the ground.

It's the Beatles, you know

You're English, you like the Beatles, right?

You're old

You're having a good time over there?

Alright, God bless the Queen

Make sure you live another 80 years

Aren't you excited about Kate Middleton

still having the baby?

Are you excited?

You're not excited about the baby?

You don't have to take care of it, why do you care?

She has to care about it

She's got to pay her taxes

What if someone molested Kate Middleton

And William's baby

Wouldn't that be horrible

No it wouldn't be

Answer the question ma'am

We're thinking about kidnapping the baby

And kissing him

I don't care

That's why we're doing it

That was bizarre

How bizarre

Just like that song from 97

Are we losing gas

ass? Should we keep going? That's the only

lyric I know from that song. How bizarre.

The whole fucking song.

How bizarre.

Have you watched that documentary

about that guy that ran the Bazaar

Bazaar? It was like a gay killer

guy that tortured dudes.

Quit making up lies, Matt. Come on.

Yeah, what are you talking about? Gay people don't run

Bazaars.

Yeah, he fucked

these dudes up and one got away

and climbed away and

got this guy locked up.

But he was doing all kinds of wild shit, man.

There's a lot of crazy faggy cats out there.

Yeah, there is.

Speaking of which, Chuck, you listen to KDK lately?

He's all over the place.

No, what's happening with him?

Hey, he's crazy.

He was waving a gun around the other day.

Well, that's nothing new.

I mean, what's new is what's happening with KDK.

Exactly, yeah.

Can we call him up?

The online number.

Do you have his own phone number?

I've got a Skype. He called me.

He had a 30-minute

drunken conversation with me recently.

Someone posted his home

cell number. Hold on.

He's been giving it out to guys

looking for hookups.

Wow.

I should talk to this cat.

You ever heard of him, Matt? You know who we're talking about?

I've heard of him. I've never listened

to his damn thing. I've heard of him.

You're not a big fan?

I've never listened to his damn show.

uh i normally hear like you guys complain about it uh oh well those are the prank calls to make

your own uh judgment hey but i forgot not brad's here hey not brad what's going on hey man yeah

what's up what's up not brad in the conversation hey brad what's up everybody merry christmas

wait a minute so there's brad and not brad so i'm confused because it's internal circle right

Yeah, I'm a big fan. I like not Brad's.

Are you like the mirror? I'm not Brad.

Are you like Brad's mirror, like the mirror image?

Like when he looks at Mary, he sees you.

Is that what we were talking to?

Exactly. Basically,

I trick you into thinking.

It looks like when you look in your slave pen.

Right.

It basically looks exactly like that.

That's how Matt

looks at me.

All right.

Let me read this here.

I got five from that house, by the way.

which is exactly why

Shane's

in a number of crossroads bar and grill

in Illinois call it give

me a call I'll talk I'm banned

from his bar

Shane says

how do you get banned from a bar you gotta really be

fucked up man you gotta really fuck around a lot

to get banned from a bar

I've been thrown out

come on Matt you gotta be an asshole to get thrown

out of a bar

I've done

I've been thrown out I've never been like

I've never re-went

because I've been thrown out

and went back to places.

Yeah, but you were

hanging out with the white lady

in the bathroom

and you came out with attitude.

You know how that goes.

Yeah.

Hanging out with China White

and or the white lady.

All right.

I got thrown in a bar this year.

You did?

No.

They called the police on me.

For what?

What did you do?

I destroyed the plumbing

in their bathroom.

What?

Why?

You take a shit?

He dropped a giant dump.

You take a shit in the toilet?

Mr. Specy, he's like a really bad influence on me.

BBs.

What's that, man?

I said you eat BBs.

So I would expect you to wreck a toilet.

Yeah, that's true.

No, but what did Mr. Specy do?

Like, is he still alive, by the way?

Yeah, yeah, he's still around.

He just doesn't like me anymore.

But, like, he started this thing where he started going into bars.

Like, me and him would hang out at bars together.

And he would go into the bathroom and, like,

He would take the tank off of the toilet

and crack open

the valve thing

and it would spray up in the ceiling.

It would basically be raining in the bathrooms.

We did this in

a bunch of different bars.

Me and him and Mrs. Spezza.

I did it by myself

with some other friends.

They suspected it.

They were like, you were the last one in there.

Yeah, basically.

He would go to the bathroom, hack the toilet, and make it rain.

Like a gangster at a strip club.

yeah and you would get kicked out all right yeah they're like we're gonna call the police

and i'm like go ahead and call the police what are they gonna do they're not gonna believe you

and i was right you know the police came and talked to me like what i didn't do it there's

a lot of people in this bar it wasn't me and they let me go wow but i'm not allowed in that bar

anymore because you have bad ass yeah see i usually just take a shit in the floor or stuff

like that that's where did you shit in a pool in the floor yeah and church what when i was

to church in catholic church once i was a kid and i took a shit in the floor and i got caught

in the middle of the shit by a nun she was she was like what are you doing here and i was like

squatting in the stall what could you possibly say to that other than i'm sorry it was more

fuck you he also had a he also had a party shit in a paper towel and microwaved it that was epic

yes i wanted to do damage at a party once and i was 18 17 years old and i was at a house party

and i was gonna i shit on this table in the bathroom and then i got embarrassed like here

i am shitting on it and then i said so i gotta do something i gotta do something so they don't i

because i knew there were people lined up to use the bathroom and i was drunk for like the first

time and i took a shit on this table i was gonna leave the turd on there but i was like when i

leave they're gonna know carlos took a shit in the bathroom on a table so i wrapped it up into

in paper towels and then i went to the kitchen right and then i put it in the microwave and i

I turned it on, like, for 10 minutes, and I left the party.

You must have had a healthy diet to have such a nice, solid meal.

It was a solid turd, yeah, because all my mom fed me was rice and beans, fucker.

Yeah.

It was full of fucking fiber.

So I put this turd in the microwave, and I burnt it.

They never knew it was me, but I heard this story, like, on Monday after school.

Like, someone came to the party, someone put a bunch of shit in the microwave,

wave and it and it because the turd lit on fire and it smelled like bird shit oh really the flaming

turd smelled like bird shit yeah well it turned the fire alarm they said the fire alarm was going

off and it was turd smoke and it broke the party up and i was gone i want to see turd smoke yeah

on my way out like i grabbed a bottle of whiskey and i got in my friend's car and we drove off and

and we laughed the whole way.

You had a whiskey enema all the way home.

That show titled Microwave Turd.

Microwave Turd.

Turd smoke.

But seriously, I didn't wipe my ass after that,

and I messed up my friend's car.

He was like, dude, it smells like shit in here,

and I told him what happened.

He thought it was funny, but he was like, dude,

my car smells like shit now because you didn't wipe your ass.

That was crazy.

I think it was my first or second time getting drunk.

Carly, do I remember one of your shows

you talked about how you would take the batteries

out of parties' cordless phones?

Yeah, that was my thing. I was a couple of days.

I was fucking stupid.

And then I went to that house

two days later, and they were like,

oh, the phone's ringing.

They're trying to pick up the cordless phone,

and it's not answering.

It's the best thing ever.

Like, it's been charging all day.

I was sitting there like a dumbass.

Yeah, like, yeah, charge it

in a fucking goddamn shit

microwave bag.

That was the turd smoke thing.

That was right before graduation, I remember.

That was like a party right before graduation.

No, I don't even know if I can

deal with you anymore, mister.

I graduated high school.

I graduated.

Ooh, I graduated high school.

I'm smart. I don't know.

Fuck you, fancy.

La-di-da, Mr. Carleo.

I'm gonna go listen to

The Beatles and The Slaves.

I'm gonna go watch Animal House

if I'd gotten invited to parties

when I was a teenager that's what I would've done

taking a shit in the microwave

stolen batteries out of cordless phones

I started

fires a lot

every party

I would steal shit

we would go through cars and steal

money out of the ashtrays in people's cars

and shit we were fucking stupid

back then I used to get a lot

of calling cards out of cars

calling cards really people leave those things there yeah they used to leave under the fire in

the glove box or under the fucking visor you think phone cards yeah i used to call it yeah

calling well you know like the old like yeah the phone cards yeah i don't know cards or whatever

yeah like the priest got days yes yeah hey that was big business back in the day back i know i

know we know we know very well yeah no one gives a shit anymore back in the day phone cards were

of the way it went. Someone posted

KDK's number in the chat.

Alright. Who did?

Someone. I don't know. Who did that?

Urinal.

Asshole. You're out of here.

Ban him. No, no, not in the

chat. In the Skype.

In the Skype. Not in the chat.

Oh, okay.

It wasn't Nitrous'

shenanigans again. Alright, good.

Our recipe, his cell.

KDK, let's do it. Let's call KDK,

guys. Let's do it.

Tell him the PLA is out to get him.

He said he doesn't answer this during the week.

Let's find out.

Okay.

Well, is it during the week?

It's a holiday.

It's Tuesday.

That doesn't count because it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah, it's a fucking goddamn holiday for everybody.

Every goddamn true white person.

I don't know if gays...

Do gays count as white people?

No.

Yeah, it's very white people.

I've been playing the Simpsons iPhone game nonstop since the show started.

Tuck, you're an Apple boy.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system of Hack Me In and Dave Caron.

It's not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

To leave a callback number, press 5.

Hey, KDK.

Everyone say hi to KDK.

P.O.A. is out to get you, faggot.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Sleep with one eye open.

We love you anyway.

We know we do.

I'm Tucker Mike, I live in Tennessee

I love listening to your show

about all the gay sex talk, it's the best

yeah, about the Korean guy that eats your cats

oh yeah, the Korean guy

he's got a Korean boyfriend

he's really hot apparently

he's googly-eyed

oh yeah?

alright, KDK

we're talking about you KDK

we really like you a lot man

you're like the greatest prank caller ever

They should listen to your show, apparently.

Yeah.

Hi, girlfriend.

You should do a show like five times a week, KDK.

We'd listen to it all the time.

Yep, we would.

If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.

To listen to your message, press 2.

To erase and re-record, press 3.

To continue recording where you left off, press 4.

I like that option.

You have pressed an incorrect key.

Fuck you.

If you're satisfied with the message, press 1.

to send your message with normal delivery press one to send your message with urgent delivery

press two urgent urgent thank you your message has been sent i don't know well done i said that

milkman milkman used to leave me voicemails and mark it urgent and private like what the

fuck's i can do for you yeah and i'm gonna real urgent oh my god urgent if i call they call you

and usually probably regarding

business, you know, our business

business, then, yeah, I do put urgent.

If it's just, like, bullshit.

Why don't you drink aspartame?

Extra, we don't want to, I get

an extra voicemail, an urgent voicemail,

I extra ignore it. How about that, Milkman?

You ever think about that? That's why you never

answer someone's question, don't you, bastard?

Because you don't know how many times I try to call this

son of a bitch. All these guys don't know how much

I got to go through from this air money that we

left. Who needs voicemails anymore?

Just text. Right.

he knows now because he probably has a super long ring and he won't answer anyway even if he does

he won't call back so i just just hang up anyway if it rings after about like you know five ring

i think i'll get to you hey by the way already you know what already evil already told me not

to talk about this but you know that motherfucker let hit that fucking psycho girlfriend he's got

he let he let he's got a brand new car two month old brand new car mitsubishi fucking eclipse

hey already sold is not brand new yeah whatever he yeah he did yeah exactly

yeah exactly you know what he did he let his girl that asian fucking crazy girlfriend bitch of his

let it he he let her drive it and she was messing with the ipod and she looked down and she fucking

wrecked it and totaled the fucking car too much totaled it and he wasn't driving it she's not on

the fucking insurance of course cars oh man yeah this is a loss fucking asshole i can't i got so

mad at him man i couldn't i'm not supposed to talk about this on the air but fuck him i'm drunk i

don't give a shit about my problem well okay if he was up in a balloon right now you wouldn't be

there but you're sitting down so i guess this is acceptable but man oh man i don't know how

many times i told him not to talk to that bitch god damn him god damn how old is he 20 something

god damn god damn 20 23 22 23. the person you have called is unavailable

oh you sounded lovely fake voicemail woman lovely all right let me try katie k again

maybe he'll answer this time david corin katie gay players of sam favor

motherfuckers just talking crazy nursing for the anal mission everybody book up

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system

now you know his real name if you didn't know dave quran everybody knows his real name he's

related to uh liz quran he's a meslem the uh classic uh movie starlet named after the

fucking quran is what he is ala akbar ala akbar exactly andrew saville saville that's a british

guy he's right here we're gonna call him maybe he'll pick up you got any more of those uh phone

those photo numbers

there, Bradley? Tons. I don't know where we

left off. They're in your butt,

boy. They're in your butt.

The last one you sent is the one

last one I called.

They're in your butt. I'm all out

of help. Did we call someone named...

Hi. Hello? Yeah, is this

the Savile Residence? Oh, hi.

This is Carlito. I'm with the United

Water Machines of the United

Kingdom. What are you doing? I'm playing.

She's like eating dick.

It's like, fuck you, nigga.

Fuck you in from shit.

You're from Hawaii.

Came to light town.

Hang on.

Can't send requests to Branks, he said.

Oh, shit.

But I got Sears.

I mean.

Savile.

Bitch.

Photo Studios.

Savile, you cunt.

All right.

Yeah.

Post him in the chat.

Did you post him yet?

Okay.

Did we call someone named Rommel?

Okay.

I'm going to post.

Yes.

That was the last one.

I think Rommel.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, there's Ryan, Sharon, and Kristen.

Kristen. Kristen spelled like

a stripper. I want the

mouth.

Ryan first. Let's work our way

towards Kristen, the hooker.

This mailbox is unable to accept

voicemail messages. These are all from

yesterday. Later. What?

Unable to accept. My ass. Accept

my dick. Accept it.

This mailbox is unable to accept.

Not even ringing. What a bitch. Alright, Sharon

with a double R, C-H

A-double R. Probably Charon.

That's how she pronounced it anyway. I don't know.

who knows is hawaiians they got fucking bullshit yeah that's true yeah they're all dancing around

looking for fucking tourists to rob last time i was taking vicodins and drinking red wine i

got really drunk and i threw up on the air dirty air and hopefully that doesn't happen again

ken remember that ken yeah that's when you had your second child

Ken thinks that was hilarious.

I'll try it again.

Sharon.

Oh, you were fucking epic during that show.

I was laughing my ass off.

I refuse to listen to that because I'm going to be so embarrassed.

Wasn't I talking about titty fucking bitches and stuff like that?

Yeah, you were sitting there like, I want a titty fucking bitch.

Just letting you guys know.

I started fucking laughing.

Sometimes you get nut.

You get nut.

Even better is like you were getting up to take a piss, but it sounded like you crashed and burned.

I did.

literally i fell down on my ass i what's all this this is a few weeks ago i missed this i didn't

hear this secret show oh secret show for gays only for viking and taking you should all know

where it is then way to way to mumble and sound

All right, we've worked our way up to Kristen.

Here we go.

Kristen?

Is that Jesus, Kristen?

Kristen.

The little Jesus Christ?

How do you not love little baby Jesus for his birthday?

You know, his birthday was in June.

What?

Yeah.

can we

Jesus' birthday is off

because of the Mayan calendar

they didn't use leap years

god damn

fucking god damn

Mexican

we can water

salsas

what

are you talking

salsas talk

hello

little itty bitty

hello is this

Kristen

Kristen this is

the portrait studio

hello

oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah can I talk to

Kristen you don't

sound like Kristen

I'm her husband

hold on

well we have to

talk to the person

on the forum

god

hello

Hello? Hello? Hello? Yes?

Hello? I am big.

Hello? Hi, we're calling from the Portrait Studio.

You had some pictures done yesterday?

Yes. Our name is

Roy. I'm sorry, what's that?

I'll put Tucker Roy back on the phone.

It's the Portrait Studio, Tucker Roy.

Okay.

I will picture a big

picture of me

going...

Before Tucker Roy

puts this up, hi, we're calling from

the Portrait Studio. You had some pictures

taken within the last 24 hours our name is roy okay yes hi listen there's a problem with the

pictures they were very indecent apparently you were you have some clothes on that you you came

to sears for these pictures correct no i don't where did you go then that that lady needed two

haircuts for that outfit if you know what i'm saying yeah you were wearing clothes that you

didn't buy at sears but you got your pictures taken at sears hey listen okay yes listen pay

Pay attention.

This is serious, okay?

Listen.

Can I help you?

What is it?

Yes, you got your pictures taken at the portrait studio.

Okay.

Okay, and why did you come in clothes that you didn't buy in our store?

I don't understand what you're talking about.

You were wearing clothes.

You weren't naked, were you, in these pictures?

You were wearing clothing?

Think about it.

What are we talking about?

Think about it for a little bit, okay?

Listen, the pictures you were wearing for the portraits that you took with your family for Christmas?

Who are we talking to?

I'm talking to Kristen, who had pictures taken here for Christmas at the Portrait Studio, Sears Portrait Studio.

And I'm talking to you.

Yeah, my name is Cross.

My Cross Roy.

And we got Tucker Roy here in the line.

Hey.

Cross Roy and Tucker Roy?

Yeah, that's right.

Listen, the pictures you took.

Were your mom and dad related?

Don't be stupid, asshole.

Listen, I'm from Tennessee.

Hey, I can't do this.

You guys talk to him because if I'm going to curse on him, you guys take it over.

Sir, this is Roy from the corporate office.

Shit!

The Tennessee corporate office?

That's right.

Look, we have a problem with your photos.

And we have all your...

Maybe you need some new tar paper on it.

I don't appreciate your comments about our people here.

You got rednecks there.

What people?

Why are you asking if our pictures were naked or not?

Because that's a problem.

We're not allowed.

Sir, that's been done.

Way too much.

We're not allowed to sell naked.

Give us some.

At least it's back to fucking

heighten the art form a little bit.

Come on, man.

Sir, we have all your information right here

from the Sears.

What is it, then?

Do you have a problem with the pictures

that you've taken today? Yesterday.

Right, we took the pictures.

That's right. Quit trying to take credit for

our work.

We can't even talk to you because you're not on

the form here. We need to talk to your wife.

You called my name. You called my phone

number. Put that on

and shut the fucking shit up.

But your name's not on here

so we need to talk to your wife.

Can you put Kristen on? The girl with the stripper name?

Why don't you give us that callback number?

or we'll call you back on Christmas Day.

Are you guys having, like, sex on Christmas Eve or something?

Is that what you do?

I do that sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah, me and my wife, we assume we're going to...

I'm going to wake her up and pork her.

No, don't wake her up.

Just do it.

Yeah, that's...

No, not if you go to the Porsche studio.

You're just a weirdo.

I tell your kids to shut the fuck up while you're at it.

Yeah.

Let's fuck it with this loud, shitty kid.

Like, fucking every idiot in the world wants to pop a couple kids up.

pure she's gone what the fuck they're having a good old time with it we're falling back

we weren't too professional there at the beginning we were all just screaming

you're all interrelated

fucking camera keeps moving what a cocksucker camera god damn camera

okay so please just how how long is my baby being bagged in the dirt how many how many weeks

for the last year

but

super gay

whenever my prank calls go bad I blame it on you

or Dave Coran

like who is this

I'm Tucker Mike I live in

stupid Dave Coran

oh you

so

even better

was one week when

Carlito went on break

I sent Carlito probably

close to 10 numbers with the

The guy's name being Tucker Mike and Tony.

Right.

Awesome.

Wonderful.

All right, Tuck, real quick.

I know we're getting off crazy subject here, but did you write a comic book?

Did you create a comic book for KDK and he totally shit on you about it?

Oh, well, I mean, you know, there's that, yeah.

Oh, whoa, what happened?

I mean, how many projects did you do for someone and never seen a lot of Dave Warren recently?

Yeah, he was like...

I mean, yeah, well, it was just one

that didn't work out, so...

Hey, Tucker, can we see the comic?

Can you put it up somewhere for us to see?

Or do we need to set that guy on fire?

Just because I'm a professional,

I wouldn't do it.

Yeah, talk to him.

I'm not an asshole.

You guys are still getting out

on Skype or whatever.

Yeah, you're a professional that tries to sell me Google images.

No, no, no.

uh i'm sorry sorry kids all right shane i love you it'd be an awesome thing to do just to be

an asshole but yeah i don't know talk to you a bunch of me an asshole these days that's

that's one part of it all right shane is saying hey called us we already called the bar they

didn't answer there right the the bar he got banned at i'll try it again shane shane's messaging

me about this bar that he got banned from let me see here we go i'm shane i got banned i

I hacked the toilet.

Milkman needs in as a good cop guy.

Milkman's not a good cop.

Milkman's a corrupt cop, man.

What are you talking about?

Stupid milkman.

Man, he's the most corrupt cop there ever was, if he was a cop.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, is this the bar?

No, no, no.

This is Shane.

Oh, Shane.

What's up, man?

So why'd you get banned from the bar?

What'd you do, man?

I called one of their bartenders a whore.

For what?

Why'd you do that?

That's horrible.

Why?

Was she fucking with you?

horrible i would assume probably she's working at a bar well matt matt knows what you want every

bartender is a whore they just like they tease you like a stripper yeah yeah they get but they

put their tits in your face i'm like oh hey give me a smile tell you bullshit about their stupid

kids yeah you don't care if they fucking eat or not yeah you always you always think this lady's

got a coke problem or something yeah oh if they got a coke problem that's uh that's a good time

Was it a strip club bar?

Was it a strip club fucking bar?

No, no, it's a shit bar in the middle of nowhere, but it's open later than most bars.

All right, so what happened?

What happened exactly?

Tell me.

You called her a whore, and what happened?

Did they come fuck you up and shit?

Did they beat you up?

No, no, no, no, no one beat me up.

This, like, short, fat, bald guy come out.

But you got to go, and he's like, oh, you know, just be a cop kind of guy, you know.

but uh he apparently left his cop job to uh own a bar with his fat cow redheaded wife that's cool

and i think it'd be funny if we if we talked to him and told him that his uh his big old wife was

selling drinks to young kids all right well i'll try i'll try again what let me see what number it

was did you ever send me the number where did you send it in the request a prank shit no no i

shot it in uh in a private chat uh it'd be the same number that i just called try it again all

Give me a call. I'll talk

in band. Send it again.

Put the number in the private

message, and I'll call it for you if you want, man.

Well, hang on. I'm using fucking iPod.

Fucking drunk.

Goddamn virgin.

Come on, Shane. I'll keep you on.

Work it out. Work on it, man. Come on.

Hold on. I'm working on it.

Goddamn machine.

You gotta work with us, man.

You gotta work with us.

All right.

Here's another UK number to say. Let's call some more

people in the uk well shane gets his shit together here oh you want to talk to the uk

that's the one shane cheyenne there you go what ken shane wants to talk to uk yeah there you go

whatever man good luck with that give me the number and private message we'll call the uk

in the meantime all right all right get it get it all right hurry up i'll keep in line if you

want to hang up if you want i don't give a shit i'm not hanging up jane are you a madhouse fan

Are you a fan or a cacti fan?

No, I like Madhouse. Cactus is good, though.

Whatever, asshole.

Hold on, hold on.

Oh, Savile?

Eat shit, Shane.

Oh, come on, Robocop.

Let's eat this faggot.

Is this Savile?

Sounds like aliens.

Savile just hung up.

Good, we're talking over the term again.

I miss Savile.

Yeah, rest in peace, Savile.

Did you say rest in peace?

Rest in peace, I'm sorry.

wasn't an old mega album matt what's the recipe is it two vikings in a beer or one viking in two

beers i would say all the vikings and all the beers and then happy fucking christmas hell yeah

man do it live all right cool fuck it we're doing it live during dirty errand show i got really

fucked up well number one it started at fucking midnight and uh by fucking three or four a.m i

i was just fucking shit you have a kid doesn't your kid hear you yelling and shit like i hear

you do some shit no he's not he's not over on the nights that i fucking listen to the shows are you

crazy another another fucking horrible horrible child from a broken broken mare broken home his

custody schedule revolves around madhouse's schedule and ken's got priorities but ken

what'd you get your kid for christmas you get him a 3ds where'd you get him you remember what i was

I was telling you about that 360 situation

with the fucking Call of Duty Black Ops 2

fucking Spanish version.

Sure.

They told me they couldn't fucking

ship me the right version. Well, all of a sudden

last Saturday, the right game showed up

and they gave me a fucking $60 credit.

Nice. There you go.

Yeah, so I came up on top on that fucking deal.

So you got your kid an Xbox 360?

Way to go, because the 360

is about to be phased out in two months.

Yeah, but he's been sitting

with a fucking PS2 forever, and I told

him he wasn't getting jack shit until you learned to take care of it dude the 360 came out like what

eight fucking years ago i hope you hit him when you said that he's fucking he's fucking ruined in

the fucking 20 dollar ps2 games i'm not getting him the 60 dollar fucking you know yeah man let

your ex-wife buy that shit fuck that shit yeah i'm still i'm still i'm still a fan of fucking

fucking skyrim's new deal dlc the skyrim the new deal what did it ever come out the the fucking

fucking werewolf shit oh the werewolf came off um shit are you on ps3 or 360 i don't know i don't

know i was a way to gay and fucking stagger out is that on the game gear is that on the atari links

what is that hey what is that hey before i forget well hang on you guys brought something up brad

hi who's the guy who's the guy that did the walmart pranks with you who's the guy

You know who I'm talking about? The guy that was with you?

Yeah, that's Joe. That's Evie's friend, Joe.

He was really bearded.

Is he cool?

He drives my ex-girlfriend crazy.

Like, tearing her conspiracy theories apart.

Well, hey, he posted on Facebook that he had a Saturn,

Sega Saturn for free, and I told him I'd pay the shipping if he sent it to me.

But now he wants my address. Is he cool?

Oh, yeah. You can trust Joe. Joe's a good person.

and i hang out with him all the time joe joe's a joe's a cool well he's he's gonna he's gonna send

me a fucking sega saturn and a game gear and an n64 for um i'm gonna pay the shipping yeah well

i dude i'm fucking all over that i want a fucking sega saturn man i always wanted to play that

knights in the dreams game yeah saturn had some fucking good games well i that's the one i was

going to play that night you could game gear though he's got a game gear too he's gonna send

i mean yeah game gear was an awesome i used to have like a like a like almost a game gear but

like it folded down your right eye and it blinded your right eye i don't remember that

like a game gear it always sounds like a fucking lie game gear was cool as fuck as game gear had

a tv tuner and shit you could put in it remember you watched it on your game gear i didn't have

one but i i know that it looked cool i used to go to target yeah i had a stupid fucking goddamn

damn what virtual boy i used to fucking oh i used to put a belt around it and put it on my head and

eat a lot of acid and just play the game you know what they get my head when i lay down the virtual

boy was the virtual boy was cool but the fucking nintendo was like we don't want to spend the

money to get anything except for red yeah well that's yeah that it did look 3d like someone

like wario world on that looks cool so yeah man there was the roller coasters the roller coasters

were great yeah game gear and it had the the tennis game and it had the the fucking bowling

game was cool um but yeah they nintendo they they that was one of their systems that failed

that's the original one i think that's the idea uh yeah well yeah because yeah about a year later

they started selling it for 20 bucks and that's that's when i bought it yeah all the

like yeah well originally they were gonna let you it was gonna fit on your head like virtual

fucking and then like some fucking it was too heavy that it was so massive and they couldn't

make it fit on your head so you had to have those fucking tripod things that yeah and then they did

that on the commercial with the feet like it was walking around kind of like the tripods from

from World of Worlds.

That was fucking retarded.

Actually, that's what I'm talking about.

Like what he said with the red,

but they did it in one eye

and someone else did it

and thinking it was like a great idea.

Yeah, it didn't work with one eye.

Sounds like shit.

Yeah, how could you see 3D with one eye?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

It was like a half-half.

You know, I live in the Midwest.

Everyone's poor.

Yeah, I got you.

I only have one eye right now.

That's all I got.

It would be perfect for you.

Yeah, you almost had no eyes.

Was it the left eye?

If it was the right eye, then I'd be fucked.

If it was the left eye, then I'd be good.

It's only configured for the left eye.

Yeah.

So you get nothing. You lose.

I lose.

I'll chastise you.

Good day, sir.

Okay, okay.

You stole fizzy lipstick drinks.

In the room.

We've got a lot of shit to do.

I would fuck that Augusta kid, man.

Oh yeah, he was a hottie

Yeah, he was

And then second after

After the fat boy

Was for assault

Alright, here's

James Johnson lives in Australia

Oh no

Australian

There we go

Those people are no good

They're fucking kangaroos all day

What's the story though?

I don't know, here's an around the horn

wow right now absolutely ridiculous i really think there might be a ghost in here a uh a

fucking a cap just popped off a bottle i've proven to that down the counter i think you

moved it with your mind matt it goes to christmas i didn't even look at it can we talk can we talk

to him about what what's he's uh what what he's looking for for christmas yeah we can do that

all right yeah that's right because it's already christmas day over there all right real quick

around the home we got laugh track matt rbcp's here big shane tucker mike's here rock and roll

uh dark stranger are you still here uh homie she's menstruating all over the place hang up

on that hoe what the hell yeah taking up our spaces yes yeah and then milkman milkman you

here still milkman milkman oh no milkman milkman's still i don't know what milkman's doing

milkman he's on new york being gay i think he's using his flashlight right now i think the stream

died for a second there uh let me check again no we're online we're online now but i think it died

for a second because on the on irc a stupid asshole machine said yeah that that piece of

shit fucking shoutcast i gotta get a new shoutcast i brad let me know when your shoutcast provider

comes back with more invites or whatever because that fucking shit looks your your shoutcast

provider looks like it's really fucking boss yeah he has good stability i never have any problems

and yeah it's a good stuff that shit i got is fucking weak then i got i got to change all the

players over and everyone's getting bookmarked i emailed my provider and i'm like hey i know

you're not accepting new customers right now but i've got this friend you know i've been listening

yeah this guy carlito wow that's weird he never responded though a friend somebody in you wink

It's weird that I'm even talking to you guys

Because like seriously

A cap just popped off a fucking god damn

Aspirin bottle

How's it happen Matt

What you got a microwave turned on or something

No it's in the bathroom

I turned it in my fucking god damn videos

It's because of the fallout

From the nuclear strikes

Against the east coast

It's like because his name's Carlito though

It's like he's like a fucking

Colombian drug lord

that's the emp blast yeah the emp would have fried it really was weird like it's just a bottle

of generic ibuprofen and the cap just on top of it for some reason you should take all those

ibuprofen right now yeah it's a sign it's a sign send them to tucker mike slaves there we go by the

the way in case you didn't know we got 161 listeners on shoutcast right now and uh whoever

else is watching on youtube which i don't think is very many people but uh yeah we got about 170

i would estimate how come the number uh

we

got 10 people so 171 people watching man uh watching this show right now hey everybody

hey hi together for you hi are you not what is this show of us i don't know what is the show uh

Well, on YouTube, it's just me with snow in the background.

Yeah, and just voices.

Yeah, and they can hear us, yeah.

Well, Carlito, it's about you in the chat room.

It's about you and who's in your closet.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Speaking of weird shit, the camera keeps moving by itself over to the closet.

Who's in the closet?

Milkman's in the closet.

Australia.

We're calling Australia.

Dude, is Milkman eating aspirin from the closet?

is all our ghosts

coming together?

Is it like

why we're

together now?

He's using

the floor.

Milkman's

flushlighting

in the closet.

It's weird.

I have a

flushlight.

The aliens

reveal themselves

on the

show

when it

comes out

of the closet.

The flushlight's

fun, but I

gotta try those

egg things

that Milkman

and Jin keep

talking about.

I'll give you

guys a review.

you i've never came in it i have some guys you hear the guy had outdated from most of the place

new contact all right so they get you damn it we could even blaze all oh my ass we can open up the

skype conference anyone who wants to reach me on skype and you can join the conference

PrinceMetHouse.radio on Skype.

Jump on, faggots.

Hey guys, you can Skype.

Anyone want Skype?

I'm bored.

Anyone want Skype?

Nitrous from IRC wants to know how Charlie's doing tonight.

He's great.

But fuck that guy.

He posts numbers in the chat.

Yeah, right?

Fuck him.

We can call Charlie.

That's fine.

I'll call Charlie.

Brad Carter's keep shit relevant.

Read night cookie shit.

i like mad songs yeah

where's legend we should call legend man legends cool people

i am a virus neck i thought that was epic so cold

that was a really fun song so charlie charlie you there oh that's just like

charlie i see it hung there looked hung up to me i really don't know why that

That fucking, like, really, that bottle popped out of that aspirin.

I don't know if it really could have been a temperature change.

Or I don't know why a ghost would just want to take it.

Why would a ghost need your hours?

Please leave your message for 808-372-3393.

That's the best ever.

It was the best ever.

All right, Brad, you got any more Sears?

Eat me, Ram.

Yeah, I just posted a couple, Melka and Nazeen.

Malika, or here's Malika.

Oh, if you guys got Sears, I used to be a Sears manager, so I can fucking chime in and start talking Sears lingo.

Perfect, Shane.

Who's taking this?

Who's starting this one off?

Let's focus.

Let's start to get something professional.

I'm looking at this thing.

Let's see if the fucking ghost comes out of it.

I'm staring.

Staring at a little bottle of that.

I'm like, I'm haunting your ass, friend.

I like it

Brad Carter echo voice

White Devils

Inside

White Devils

Alright Malika

Who's doing Malika Brad you want Malika

Hell yeah I do

Alright Malika here you go airtight

Airtight that bitch

There's a lot of demand for a 24 hour show

We're gonna have to do that man

oh yeah yeah we got to do it on uh black history month again or weekend or yeah martin luther king

that's what it was yeah what can the jackasses do 24 hours that's right yeah it's martin luther

king yeah i'm up for doing a shift i'll do like you know as much as you guys need me to

message system eight i almost did the majority of the 24-hour marathon you uh rob did a lot

brad and then me and tuck and brad took like the last few hours yeah and dark stranger we were

doing the band yeah i slept through the band i went and took a nap and it was hilarious

let's try nazine all right shane what's this number you just sent over here what is it what

is that that was that was the bar that's the bar all right i'll try it that was a bar whether you

You got kicked out?

Oh, yeah.

Like, several times, actually.

When you drink drop,

it's about to kick you

out of the bar.

Put your head in.

Dude.

You might as well say

derp at the end of that.

Derp.

It's so bad.

Oh, you're calling locally.

That's always a good idea.

All right.

Yeah, keeping it real, yo.

Crossroads.

Oh, it's Crossroads?

Yes.

Hey, can I talk to a man?

To who?

A man.

This is a man.

Oh, okay.

Okay, you, can I speak to the owner then?

Yes.

Okay, thank you.

Did you want the owner?

Well, I'm looking for the owner, the guy owner, the short bald guy.

Apparently that's what my son said his name was, or looked like, I don't know.

All right, I'm in the bathroom, now I can hear you a little better.

I'm in the bathroom.

Yeah, it's the only place I can hear you.

And that's professional?

Yeah, it sure is.

Are you drawing on the chalkboard?

I'm looking for the owner that's a guy.

I am the owner.

Oh, you're the owner, you're the guy?

Yes.

Okay, my son, he was in there, he was driving his buddies around,

and they've been drinking, and he's only 17,

and apparently he got in and he drank tonight.

What was this?

Talking about, he got in, he drank, he said some red-headed lady,

he said she was the owner.

Apparently you're the owner, but you're in the bathroom.

Well, no, Teresa. Teresa and I are the owners.

Who's Teresa? What's the deal?

Why is she serving my 17-year-old son?

What do you want?

I want to know why my son was served.

Hey, did he, did he, sure you got it here?

Uh, yeah, he drove his friends there.

And you know what?

You know, I'm home right now.

I've got a whole family here, and we're pissed about it.

I'm going to let my brother Roy get on the phone.

Roy?

I ain't talking to nobody.

You guys served my son.

Hi, I'm Roy.

We, we card very hard here, son.

Okay, I just wondered if you appreciated this phone call

Are not appreciated

Spunko

We're taking a poll

I'll call him back

Don't worry

Wow

Then uh

What was this supposed to be?

Other

What the fuck was Brad?

What was

Brad worries

What's the point of this?

So

I didn't get a chance

Like

I don't know

Yeah

Faggy

Brad's sleeping at the wheel

I was right here

Someone else was talking

Yeah

Faggy

Hello? Hi, this is Roy.

Run.

We're taking a poll.

Could we be transferred to the restroom, please?

I'm sorry?

We need to be transferred to the restroom.

Yes, can you do that? Yes or no?

I am in the bathroom.

Jesus Christ!

Oh my God.

On the door it says, like, women slash office.

What the fuck is this about?

well this is i'm taking a shit roll chair in the bathroom and answer the phone the fuck is wrong

how does anyone get kicked out of this bar when all the owners are in the fucking shitter

i don't understand what the fuck i'll try them again these people are weird they're freaks

god i've just we'll call this guy calling for a bed cover hello all right that was interesting

interesting it was definitely something i sure enjoyed it all right we got someone selling a

bed cover for a chevrolet colorado pickup truck will fit years 2004 to 2011 extended cab selling

for 175 dollars uh you skype people everyone on the conference can see this in the chat

on the skype chat room thing i'm just serious how many how many bodies will fit under it

I don't know how many

you can fit

six

six bodies

six six six

he says it three times

god damn masonic

boss

we're sitting around talking about

sacred shapes

triangles

where they put

put that they put that into the future they're forwarding your calls into the future when they

have control of you just look at it you guys know the the all the rappers famous rappers are all

devil worshipers right they're all yeah they're all illuminati they're all claiming and all that

and uh i thought that was common knowledge jc and the fucking diamonds in the sky that's all

baffling it man what it is i thought why do you think it was all common knowledge yeah why do you

think kanye west mom's side man uh yeah exactly sacrificed her to the you think you think the

yes sacrifice the goddamn illuminati overlords they're all they're all raining raining cash

gold who's all now down the fucking got a 95 nissan van oh rock and roll

Oh, 95 Nissan, man.

I don't know if Nissan had any.

Yeah, hi, you got a 1995 Nissan van machine for sale?

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to fill a full bunch of niggers and run it down a fucking cliff.

Would that work out?

Oh, this is Cross.

I'm racist, and Matt's here.

He's a racist also.

Hey, how you doing?

Let's get that goddamn van.

Yeah, we want to fill it full of black people.

You stupid fucking cunt.

We're going to push that shit down the hill.

That was for you, Matt.

That was a shout-out to you.

Rock on.

We need to get a racist show going on between Matt

and who else is racist?

No, I'm not racist.

I got a little bit in me.

We're all racist at heart.

Crazy fucker, Matt, and we need one more person.

We got a good racist show going on here.

A little racist.

Goddamn fucking fuck you.

I just think black girls are hot.

Black girls can't be hot, man.

Skinny girls with a black big ass?

I'm game for that.

You know you do, man.

Yeah, hi.

I'm going to call the next time you call.

Fuck the law.

Through the wall.

I just want to say I'm open to all cultures.

I don't know about these other...

I just put the country on Defcon 1.

Tucker Mike's going to put you in there.

Stop.

You know that name.

You there, ma'am?

Do not call back no more.

One more time.

can we go one more time you're gonna live in stable

what i think you're like listen ma'am i fill up my gas and i smoke cigarettes together too

she would fucking be like oh that's my neighbor trying to get your stable full

i know you got a couple out there so gosh

anyway for those who wonder why these these i i bookmarked the swap shop the the one that the

howard stern show calls all the time i got there i figured out their website and i and i call their

fucking the people just literally they you can post to the website i got this shit for sales

it's a small town and i think it's alabama or something and uh there's one over here just one

over here actually yeah all you southern states down there yeah he's got that yeah there's a new

local one here yeah do you ever listen to that show no my brother has recently oh yeah they still

make those so he had it all right well matt here what's your opinion we got a person named loretta

williams uh guilty what are we there guilty guilty or not guilty guilty sounds like a colored yeah

guilty that's what i say all right that's what i'm talking about you know like raccoons they can

They can wash their hands in water, but they're still dirty.

Happy fucking Christmas.

There you go.

It's true.

My grandson just learned to pump off.

Yeah, there you go.

You want to jerk off, you want to pump on off.

A full-size bed, dresser, and mirror giving away.

Needs little work.

30 years old.

There you go.

Good luck with this.

now let's let's just try to organize and have a good plan here because the last

few okay you you want shane to white white trash it

dresser for sale okay okay i got a plan let me let me start this one okay you guys behave

yeah hi loretta yeah hey sweetie how you doing uh how you doing merry christmas

Who is this?

Hey, this is Carlito.

I'm Puerto Rican.

I'm cool.

We're cool.

I see you have a full-size bed for sale and a dresser and a mirror.

Do you know what time it is?

I have no idea.

I've been drinking and taking Vicodin.

Well, I think you've drank too much and too much Vicodin.

What if I kiss you all over your private parts?

What?

I don't know.

Do you have a...

What?

How you doing?

Do what now?

Why don't you kiss my ass?

Oh, that's what we're talking about.

That's what we're talking about.

Cater.

We got three babies.

I'll cut Cater.

I'll cut your mom in front of us.

We got three babies.

Okay, okay.

Hello?

Hold on, hold on.

Is my boys on the phone again?

Hello?

Daddy.

We're all in trouble.

All right, let's call her back.

Why don't you guys kiss my ass?

nice let's get her goddamn pussy wet seriously she got the wrong end i thought it was in the

kisser private bar and something yeah i know that was nice that was a fucking nice thing to say

if anybody said they would do that to me i would uh i would i would definitely uh it's sensual

sensual hello loretta yeah hi is this mr williams uh no oh i was i wanted to talk to

loretta about about the bed that she has in the dresser in the mirror oh this is cross i'm puerto

rican i'm cool no i'm cool i'm cool man i'm colored listen i wanted to uh layer down on the

bed and take pictures to see if the bed's good and then i want to kiss her all over her private

parts but the bed is free right hey man that's not cool wow what kind of loretta's whoa wow

Wow, that's racist, man.

That guy crossed a line there.

Hey, everybody cool out.

Cool down, man.

Okay.

You there, Mr. Williams?

Yeah, I'm waiting on you to translate something.

Oh, is Loretta, Loretta's black.

Come on, Loretta Williams is a black girl, right?

No.

Oh, that's cool.

Cool, man.

That's cool.

Well, she obviously had parents that hated her, naming her Loretta, nigger name.

Whoa, whoa, hey.

hey hey come on man yeah man that's not cool slow down man we're cool so if i come pick up

the bed do you think it'd be a good time i want to give him for a christmas gift

come on there's no need for that i'm not you're cool i'm offended right we're cool man we're cool

we're all puerto rican well we're done with that already now we're calling for

It sounds like a goddamn fluffy party.

After we suck each other off, then it's Craigslist calls.

We can do that.

Come on up here.

All right.

Well, are you down?

You want to party?

Yeah, we'll party.

All right.

Can I run my fingers through your hair?

Oh, what can we do then?

You can come up here, and I'll shoot you.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What gauge?

Seriously, what gauge?

Vehicle.

All right.

45, 22.

What do you got there, big guy?

12.

sent in to a 12mm

or English.

You got like a 3D printer

with one of those two shotguns?

Yeah.

Matt, thank you for throwing out the N-word

early because, yeah, that guy was just

not having it.

Are you still a star?

He's gone.

I'll shoot you.

We're the damn nerds.

Matt just retaliated.

with it brought some dirty words dirty racist fucking words racist god bless them all really

upsets matt he really hates that punch me in the face next time we get together listen here

motherfucker you got one more time hey say do what now tell me do what now

I think he asked you to call him back.

Yeah, he didn't.

He's going to put his thumbs in his pockets.

He said something about calling back.

He said he was going to...

Hey, how you doing, Sugar Bridges?

Sugar Bridges.

Yeah, I guarantee he's got some nice crusty jeans on and he's a handsome guy.

I guarantee.

Listen, here, I'll just wash your sleeve off.

Yeah, do one.

Okay, all right.

Okay, we believe you.

Paul, we believe you.

Now, I'm going to brief you.

Oh, wait.

That sounds like he's not been set up yet.

A brief message.

I'll try them one more time.

Why do they have...

Let me see.

Do they have voicemail down there?

Do what now?

do what

do what now

oh my god

Jesus

no pun intended

I didn't mean to

offend Jesus

sorry

I'm offended

I'm totally offended

I'm offended for you

I'm hanging up

happy Christmas buddy

I love ya

hey faggot

yeah

what you gonna do

you gonna hang up again

it's legend

yeah

at least you know that

pipe theater man

God can suck my dick

how am I gonna pay for it

with uh

coon shit

or uh

fat back

you gotta save that phone number that's great that's a good one yeah i'll save that loretta

williams all right cool all right here's loretta loretta

there we go

that's what i'm saying i thought it was one of them guilty people but i guess not

I guess I should have brought a pack back.

What's up?

You know, I've never had any back fat.

Is that good stuff?

Like, what do you fry that?

I guess we got to fry it, right?

I guess that's fucking cooking up.

It's good.

You put that in some ham hocks.

Yeah, back fat.

Get some blackhead peas.

Green beans.

Greens.

Yeah.

Onions.

We got them in the mouth.

Death Fox.

Hey, Death Fox.

We got a racist.

It's just, I heard a racist show, I thought I'd call him.

That's racist that I would call him.

Probably I'll just call her.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Set it up.

How do you set it up, Brad?

What do we do?

Hit the pound button.

Hang on, let me call it back.

Watch him answer.

Either pound or star.

What happened?

We lost Ken at some point.

Oh, thank God.

I was sick of that motherfucker.

I'm all right.

Talk so much.

What the fuck is that goddamn Nazi band?

I had a ridiculous voicemail for like six months getting my thing out.

I'm sorry.

You pressed an incorrect key to hear your mail.

No.

English.

Press Y.

Okay, Matt's doing the prompts.

You pressed an incorrect key to hear your mail.

Goodbye.

Ah.

What happened?

We'll try it again.

Let's try to be quiet while we hit the buttons.

Okay, and Matt.

Matt's doing all the buttons, right, Matt?

Nope.

No?

You do it, Brad.

You do the buttons.

Okay, I'll do it.

You're the phone loser.

Did you hit pound, Matt?

Is it pound?

I did.

Yeah, it's pound.

I did both.

The one that did something, but then somebody else pressed one after it.

That was me.

Sorry.

God damn it, Carly.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has pressed an incorrect key to hit goodbye.

No.

Okay, try it one more time.

I'm going to hit star this time.

I hit pound and it said to pick a language.

I think it's pound.

I hit pound that time and it said invalid.

What should we call him?

No, he's naked.

I guess he should call a hashtag.

And be a little kid.

I'm sorry, but the person you called

is a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

Hi.

What?

Wow.

He didn't like the sound of you.

I should have just listened and said what I was going to say.

That didn't make sense what I just said.

No, no, we've done this like a bunch of times before

and we can just set up their voicemails.

I'll try it one more time.

When I hit pound, I hit pound, or someone hit pound, and I hit...

No, he's hitting star, then he's hitting something while I was trying to talk.

Maybe you guys should try it, because it's not working for me.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Because I'm down.

Good, good, I'm a killer.

Breaking federal laws on madhouselive.com.

Tuckermike.com.

Dot dot gov dot ee

Kdkprankfalls.com

And searsportraitstudio.com

Alright shh

You hear your mailbox prompts in English

Press 1

Press 1 press 1

There you go you're in there

You will hear your mailbox prompts in English

To confirm this change

Press count to cancel

Press stop

Language changed

Welcome to your new mailbox

Woo!

Tutorial will help you set up your mailbox

You should've said I'm panicked

Only you will know

Now, please think of a convenient password now.

This is a fuck.

Words must contain at least four digits.

Please enter a longer password.

Then press 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

That's what I use in my luggage.

For your password, you have entered 5, 4, 2, 1.

Now you can select the kind of greeting that will be played to callers before they leave you a message.

To select a standard greeting with your telephone number, which will tell callers that you are unavailable, press 1.

To select a standard greeting with your name, which will tell callers that you are unavailable,

Press 2. Personal greeting.

Press 3.

At the tone, please say only your first and last name.

Then press pound.

Do what now?

My name is Jackass Magoo.

name has been recorded

Do what now?

My name is Jackass Magoo

Okay, you guys, who's doing the message?

Who's doing the message?

If you would like to re-record your name, press star

If you like it the way it is, press pound

Sounds good

Thank you, personal greeting

this brief message will play to callers before they leave you a message it's a

good idea to ask callers to leave you a detailed message rather than just their

name and number when you are ready to record your greeting press to at the

tone record your greeting at the end of your greeting press pound well God's

listening to you

madhouse love

yeah

no no

no I shouldn't

have said that

in this fucking movie

asshole

here's how your

personal greeting

will sound

hold on let me

do the other one

madhouse love

what an asshole

no I shouldn't

have said that

in this fucking movie

asshole

if you are satisfied

with your greeting

alright we'll

re-record it

I'm being quiet

everyone should be quiet

yeah let me

let me say something

to replay your greeting

all right if you guys shut up i can hear the option well that's the option to redo it now

are you still there if you are satisfied with your greeting press pound if you would like to

re-record the 11 key press star to read personal greeting erased when you are ready to re-record

don't say madhouse or anything press two carlito what i do press two or check a mic

at the tone at the end of your greeting say kitty k kitty kitty calls this is getting back

I'll get back to you after the KDK.

I'll get back to you when I'm done sucking some dick.

Yeah, Dave Coran.

Connect your voicemail.

KDK prank calls.

You can't stop us.

Here's how your personal greeting will sound.

KDK prank calls.

This is Dave.

I'll get back to you after the KDK.

We sound a little intoxicated here.

Connect your voicemail.

KDK prank calls.

You can't stop us.

If you're satisfied with your greeting, press pound.

If you would like to re-

Thank you.

Let me give you a few final reminders.

Just hang up.

Anytime you want to cancel your previous entry, just press star.

Sure.

Yeah, it's good.

If you ever need help or more explanation, press star.

It's on there.

All right, there we go.

All right, cool.

Katie, can you take the heat for that?

All right.

What's the next one here?

If anyone has a Boston Terrier they want to give away, please call or text me.

Here's a number for Robert.

Why would you give away a Boston Terrier?

Jesus.

God, that's pretty specific.

and instead of asking okay you got a dog no boston terrier okay here we go do you want me to call

you want me to talk i got yeah whatever i don't care hey guys i got this hey this is robert

no not the tone i'll try it again i think his phone's off because it only rang real quick yeah

yeah it's gone yes hey this is robert leave me a message and i'll get back to you and i'm gonna

to work okay next let's see what else i got here uh wanted someone to scald and block out hog what

the fuck does that mean i want someone to scald and block out hog i don't know is it a a biker

thing or do they really want us to burn and kill a fucking whatever it is i'm really turned on

yeah that's fucked up i i don't know if you don't if you want me to play biker i'll play biker

all right cool play biker i guess that's what it is unless they really have a like a pig they

one slaughter or something yeah that's a little torture they're about to torture my pig that's

something for carl's jr to do i hear the number brought to you by carl's jr this awesome shit

you guys wanted done to hog you want me to wipe this fucker out or what i mean what are you paying

something about burning out hog i got a team with me we can clean it quick

What did you say, man?

I read some shit about you wanting to burn out Hogg.

I mean, I'll clean the fucker up.

Hang on, hang on.

Let me get Roy on.

Let me get Roy.

He'll do you in the Pacific.

He's smarter than I am about this whole plan shit.

Hold on.

Roy?

Hi, I'm Roy.

I'm the supervisor here.

And who?

I'm Roy.

I'm the supervisor.

Do you have a different phone that doesn't sound like garbage?

Oh, yes.

They call me at 552-4403.

I had a mask on there.

Are you hearing that back now?

Yeah, it's a lot better now that you took the mask off.

Okay.

Someone sounds like Dane.

I don't know why he put me on, because I have no idea what this call's about.

Maybe I should have put my supervisor on.

I don't either.

I thought it was a burning hog.

I figured you'd explain the whole hitman kind of thing.

What do you mean burning the hog?

I ain't wanting him burnt.

I'm wanting him scalded.

You don't need to be a smartass, sir.

We're just asking questions.

Where you scaldin' hogs at?

No, I'm saying you don't need to be smartass.

Stop talking down to us like that.

I don't appreciate it.

Appreciate what?

You heard me.

Say what now?

I'm going to transfer you to the corporate office just a minute.

Here you go.

Oh, bullshit.

What are you going to call me at 3 o'clock in the morning?

Yeah, you needed a hog scalded?

I need a hog scalded.

Who's doing it?

Oh, yeah, this is Cross.

I've got plenty of dried wood, and I heat up a large barrel with half a barrel to boiling.

You didn't know a hog scalded a 300-pound hog with a barrel, did you?

Yeah, no, I take the hog, and I fuck him in the ass, and then I fucking scald him while I'm doing it.

And then I remove and scrape the hair off with a sharp knife.

Where do you do this at?

At the smokehouse, of course.

Yeah, well, we do a lot of drugs and acid, and we fuck the hog.

Is the hog dead, or is he alive still?

he's alive he's alive can we fuck him a little bit and then we scald him for you

can we fuck him a little bit you know we finger his asshole and fuck the hog and then we scald

we dip it oh get out that was hot you stupid idiot you son of a bitch you know you want to

watch me so are we gonna get to fuck that dog what the fuck i want to know what kind of mask

mask he had on. Who the hell

scalds a hog? What's that about?

I would, uh, if I was gonna

have to guess, I would think it's sleep

apnea mask. I just googled

that Rokey had a mask on. What the fuck was

that about, too? I would, uh, like

I said, if I had to guess, I would think it's sleep

apnea. I, I just, I just

googled scald a hog, and I guess it's something

where you take a hog and you, you boil

the hair off of him? Yeah.

Can you call him back and we can find out about this

mask thing? Yeah, there was...

I'm gonna apologize right now. I thought

thought the call was over i don't apologize god damn people god damn people they're not even

people they're them people they're hard for hello hello yeah hi there genius wanted to ask about

your mask why do you wear a mask in the evening you have to sleep well wait you have a sleep

yeah you have you guys have sleep apnea

Huh?

Yes, are you gay guys that have sleep apnea and you sleep in the same bed together?

Is that what's going on?

Hey, I don't want to fuck with you.

No, I wanted to scald your hog.

You have a hog to scald?

Yeah.

Yeah, can we fuck him a little bit first and then we scald him?

Well, I guess if you want to do it.

I don't think you understand.

Yeah, you want to watch and jerk off?

Rock on, rock on, we got a party, boy.

See, you're right when you guessed when this man was talking about masks.

He's talking about them pretty fucking Mardi Gras masks with the flowers and the pink lipstick.

Yeah, rock on, cowboy.

We'll be there soon.

Yeah, you got that.

Wouldn't you want that hog fucking skull?

It doesn't matter who we are.

What matters is the blood.

What is wrong with this world?

I think you should never call anything outside of Tennessee.

Do what now?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I would have, like, totally baned his ass right there.

Do what now?

Do what now, sir?

Like, babe, it doesn't matter who we are.

What's in the plan?

I feel like I need to be a Dark Knight.

Yeah, I'm very drunk.

All right, I'm going to hang up on him.

He's just sitting there.

What a weird fucking guy.

I put some numbers in the chat down there.

I'm going to call him again.

He sounded funny.

Talk to him.

He's sleeping with his sleep apnea mask,

but his buddy's right next to him.

Yeah.

Say something racist.

Yeah.

No, that's such a...

Oh, you're twitching my arm.

I gotta say racist shit.

Why not?

That doesn't come easy.

You'd be down for it.

It doesn't come easy.

Hold on.

Hey, guys, entertain the people

because I gotta restart the YouTube video.

We hit our four-hour limit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man, that's fucking...

That's King Big Dick.

He must fucking roll that thing up

I've been a big fire hose.

It doesn't seem like four hours.

The thing that you do when you want to sing the blues,

you know it don't come easy.

You're pulling that big dick in.

You're like, yeah, four hours.

Watch it, faggot.

So, come on.

You know anything about scalding hogs?

Like, you're from the country.

What's going on?

Scalding hogs?

I'm from the country.

I don't know.

I think it's like, you know,

when they prepare the hog,

No, it's not that.

I'm going to have that one.

I've never heard of that.

It's an old way of doing it.

Yeah, it's my cast on shit.

I'm from a shit town in Illinois.

I've never heard of roasting them.

There's no country in Illinois.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Everyone in Illinois lives in Chicago.

Whatever.

I've checked their back pages.

Illinois is a big...

it's illinois is a big fucking liberal fucking union state anyone there's liberal

lincoln things on there you know i have a damn you know yeah no we're not you know what i thought

you know i knew this country i loved it i worked in the union okay let's get someone at as i got

this like place i used to uh frequent when i was drunk i need to get in there and uh

i use a number okay hang on it's actually a restaurant like a open sunrise to sundown

restaurant YouTube video should be posting in four seconds three two one

we're back on YouTube all right should we keep going are we burned out we still

got like a dozen Sears numbers to call happy Christmas it's not even two in the

morning yet got a cold minutes left all right Brad more photo okay it's like

it's like seven at night to Brad I don't think I don't think I'm still out

Everything's still happy there

Oh, geez, yeah

Like, playing around in the fucking yard

Everybody's happy

Yeah

Good times

Alright, Death Fox

While we get that

Death Fox sent their name

What is it?

Jules 510 of all

Yeah, they're like

Backpacks

Really ugly black hookers

Nice

There we go

You know, Christmas Eve

I'm sorry

Christmas Eve is cold

You want to be warmed up

You get a nice black hooker

I remember that

Matt, you've been there before, man

aware of it

the person you are trying to reach

is not accepting calls at this time

please try your call again later

you get the one I posted in there?

yes I did

yeah I'm sorry

I'm sorry

death fox that number was disconnected

death fox you're stupid

I do that really fast

it was posted like an hour ago

I don't know that was quite

I feel the quota fast I guess

I guess so Nazneen

Wow

Nazneem

Sears photo call

Here we go

Who's taking this?

Okay

If they actually pick up

Let me know

I'll talk Sears lingo

Well if you listen

You hear him pick up

Yeah

Let him

Yeah

I would be

Everyone needs to alert him

That they pick up

Do what now?

Do it

Yeah

How would that happen

Other than just hearing them pick up?

Alert

They picked up

Hi you

80856

It's

Oh

Okay

Okay, I got more.

That's fine. I'll try this one again.

Now be ready there, Shane.

Pick up. I'm ready. I'm ready.

If anyone else... You need to alert him.

If his

sub's ringing and they say hello, there you go.

I assume that.

He alerts him.

We'll leave a link in the mail.

Thank you.

Nazneen? Hey, he picked up.

Hello? Nazneen.

Is this Sears? Is this the Sears Photo

Studio? Yes. Hi, I'm

I'm looking for your ASM.

I have an issue I need to discuss with him.

What?

Do you have an ASM on duty or a store manager or SGM?

Sir, we're calling from the Sears Portrait Studio.

You had some photos done yesterday, sir?

Nazeem?

Oh, fuck.

I thought we were on reverse.

I thought we were calling Sears.

No.

What are you talking about?

We're calling the customer.

Yeah, man.

Oh, fuck my life.

You're missing a great show here, Shane.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

I was like, wow, that fucking, like, has somebody been fucking with these people that much?

I was confused.

They got mad.

God, Shane.

That's fucking cat.

I'm sorry.

I feel bad now.

I really do.

God, Shane.

I'm so thankful for Matt and talking all that.

Come on.

All right.

I need to go to a dark hole.

Here's, you know.

Go ahead.

Giovanni.

Here we go.

Giovanni got pictures.

Done.

Yay.

Okay.

Okay, I'll get Giovanni.

This is the customer.

Giovanni.

you are sears use your manager skills you're the asm go everywhere here tell me that y'all

maxed out your ugly people limit for the year and you have to come get your money

but the person you called

goodbye uh let me do it i think it only it only works if i do it i think

i'll do the prompts i'll do the prompts your face is out that hurt my face is a prompt

it says enter here that's the prompt yeah i know my mouth was waiting my gun i'm sorry

but the thing you called has a voice mailbox that hasn't been up yet goodbye oh yeah some of them

now they just don't work they don't respond to anything like they're gonna lose milkman at some

point yeah so get upset the newer one to do that let me get like a long time ago i think

yeah because he'll get it for an hour now he'll blame tuck for the whole thing of course

I was online and talks are talking.

You're talking, yeah, yeah, yeah, on that weird music.

Please enjoy the following music while your party is being reached.

Wow.

What do I feel like talking to you?

I can't hear a word of what you're saying.

That's bullshit.

He's told him a thousand times to get that shit fixed.

I wanted to hear...

Hey, you're back, man.

I'm sorry.

There you are, man.

Hey, man.

I love you.

I love you, guys.

I love you.

I love you, baby.

Hi, girlfriend.

How you doing?

There you go.

All right.

Let's continue.

No more calls.

Continuing, man.

The major onslaught is still ongoing, folks.

Do you believe it?

Well, only right here in the madhouse.

98.5 with the crew.

We started around 11 o'clock my time, and it's 3 o'clock, so about four hours.

Good.

Let's keep going.

Sean.

Sean's next.

Big Sean.

Sean.

Okay.

Sean is a Photoshop guy.

Oh, okay.

Is he from Sears or what?

Yep, Big Sears.

He got his pictures on 12-23.

That was like yesterday.

Oh, yeah, yesterday.

Hello, is this Sean?

Sean?

Hey, this is Kyle from Hoffman Estates, Sears Home Office.

What?

This is Kyle from Sears Home Office, Hoffman Estates, Chicago.

Okay, who are you looking for?

No, no, I'm calling for Sean.

Big Sean?

Yeah, but what are you talking about?

It's about some photos I saw.

Can you step outside? There's a lot of women or something in the background. I need to be able to hear you. I can't.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Hello?

Hi, I was looking... Is this Big Sean?

No, this is his girlfriend.

Okay, Sean, it's great to hear from you. How are you doing?

In the middle of, um...

Sex.

No!

Are you Christmas partying, Sean?

Not yet.

Sean, it sounds like you're partying.

I wanted to talk to you about some photos.

Okay.

This is Brett from my office.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

We got some stuff loaded up from Sean.

And, you know, my boss, he's actually impressed with what we saw.

Photos of, because, you know, we thought they were great.

But, you know, they've been coming through very burly.

Okay.

Okay, I'm not hearing the girl noises.

It sounded like somebody was playing some kind of game on me.

Oh, no, sorry, yeah.

I had to take the phone upstairs.

Oh, okay, okay.

It was too noisy downstairs.

You've got some photos taken, but they're coming through blurry.

But my boss, he said they looked great.

And maybe, you know, we were talking maybe model scenario kind of thing, if you guys were interested.

For the boys?

Yes, the boys.

Naked.

We didn't really think of anything.

What would you have to do?

Well, they would just have to come in and take more photos, maybe take off a little more clothes.

Oh, my God.

Well, no, no, no, no, no.

No, not like that.

Not like that.

Let me transfer you to my boss, Carlito.

He's actually working overnight.

I didn't see the photos, but apparently he's interested,

and I think we could really do something to pay you guys for what you're doing.

Oh, quit.

Well, just hang on.

Listen to what he has to say.

Let me transfer you.

Yes, hi.

Hi, good afternoon.

Good morning.

Rather, hi, this is Carlito.

I'm the supervisor here at the photo center for Sears.

Uh-huh.

Hi, you had some pictures taken recently.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's nice, honey.

Listen, we noticed the color of your lips seemed very like a nice change between your skin color and your lip color.

Uh-huh.

Did you have it all of makeup on or lipstick?

I did.

Yeah, that's the problem.

They're not coming up very good because there's a big difference between your lips color and your skin color.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, so we're going to need you to come down and retake the pictures.

I don't know if you're available at all tomorrow to come down

and get the pictures retaken at all.

Tomorrow?

What time?

Are you guys going to be open on Christmas?

Yeah, yeah, we're totally open for you.

We're going to open special for you because you're very sexy and beautiful.

Okay.

No, no, no.

We want you to come down and take pictures.

I mean, if you're interested, we wanted to give you,

we wanted you to do some modeling work, you know,

and lay down and everything.

And then we wanted to see the color of your lips

because we notice like the you have like a darker you know how your lips are kind of darker than the

rest of your skin uh-huh so usually girls like that you know on their pussy lips are like darker

colored than their rest you know so then we're what the hell yeah well like do you shave your

pussy at all like your hair down there do you share it shave it at all or is it natural um

what the fuck is this no i'm a horny guy and i was looking at your pictures here we're developing

or making the prints for you is this illegal no it's not very legal but we just sometimes we do

this on the side we offer you two thousand dollars see we work for sears right but see what happens

is when we see very sexy girls like you and we offer you like five thousand dollars to take

naked pictures oh no thank you do you have dark pussy lips or light are they pink or what are they

like no man that was the best ever that's a good question she thought about it for a second she's

The kids were kind of a boner kill, though.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, always.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

All I had was kids to work with, so it went from pedophile to that.

Pedophile work.

Yeah, that was funny.

We want your kids to be naked.

What'd you just say?

She's right there.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Maybe your kids can get naked.

Do they have nice, dark pussy lips?

What was that?

Do your kids have nice, dark pussy lips?

Yes, my kids have nice, dark pussy lips.

Do they?

I don't know.

They sound like girls.

Are they boys or girls?

Do you know who the fuck you're talking to, you sick fucking bastard?

No, I'm perverted.

I'm a pervert.

You're perverted.

Yeah, then you should stop calling before we trace your call.

Okay, turn on the tracer.

And then while you do that, I'll jerk Jack off.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

What's up?

Yeah, you fuck not.

What, boy?

Oh, I think that's the tracer.

Yeah, listen.

You fucker.

Don't trace this, man.

Fuck you, cuz.

Let me...

Fuck, hold my number back.

I'm blocked.

One more time?

Where the fuck you find you?

Can I talk to your-

Because I'll fucking shoot you, you fucking clown.

Hey, hey, hey.

Listen, let me talk to your girlfriend.

She has nice dark pussy lips, I bet, right?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Tell me.

What's her look like?

Oh, yeah?

He doesn't appear to know.

What, you fucker?

Huh?

I want her to spread eagle.

You fucking clown.

What's up, boy?

I want to put a spotlight on her pussy.

Talk out of shit your leg, boy.

Talk out of shit your leg.

All right.

You're a fucking pussy for blocking your number, you fucking clown.

No, no, no.

I'm not blocking.

What?

You fucking scared?

Huh?

No, no shit.

I'm gonna find you.

No, no, no, I'm not into this shit.

Call him back, dude.

Call him back with your fucking number on the block.

Okay.

The tracer is activated now.

I am tracing everything.

Hi, this is Kenneth from AT&T.

He's gone.

I was actually...

Shut up, he's gone.

Oh, damn it.

They're calling back.

Sean, don't you have Skype so you can read stuff?

Yeah, you gotta watch.

If it turns green, they're gone, man.

Please step in.

Yeah, well, not really.

Yeah, if you, Sean, phone, sorry, can't get to you right now.

I'm either busy or just can't take your phone call.

Oh, he's busy, all right.

How many times are you going to get threatened

to be shot tonight, Carly?

That was like

real dark.

I'm so

really...

I'm just

really happy with the NORAD call.

That was fucking epic.

Use the excuse, though. It's Christmas.

I still think we scrambled jets

in Alaska right now.

I really hope we did.

Man, I hate all those yelling kids

in the background. That's annoying.

God, I know. It's so annoying, man.

As soon as you started talking about pussy lips,

she left the room and went back into where the kids were.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was kind of strange.

Yeah, it was kind of weird, right?

It's like, I need to expose the kids to this.

Early.

She was like, oh, children came from these fucking goddamn...

I think we need to call Child Protective Services on this lady.

Children came out with these pink black lips.

I posted some more for you.

uh yeah yeah let me get it we're up to kimberly now let me call fred you're posting pictures of

big black fuzzy lips yep yep that's what i just posted for carlita i'm talking about

merry christmas should we call more out again that's something of course we should act like

a kid and tell him your parents done you sit down close i can't hear you what the fuck is he man

i'm 42 and i won't say it i'm divorced

voice hey i'll try again that's a weird voicemail okay hey you know i i kind of hope for that

voicemail hi

is this kimberly yeah i'm calling from uh the photo studio you had some pictures

done yesterday i need to put my supervisor on here just a minute hello this is santa claus

merry christmas from the sears portrait studio we want to offer you a discount on your photos

photos hello kimberly yes are those your kids in the photos yes they are we'll give you twenty

dollars off if you come back for retakes and they're naked i need to transfer you to my

supervisor yes hi um this is cross i'm the supervisor hello how you doing sugar tits

hello yeah hi hey this is cross i'm the supervisor i'm gonna put you to my other

their supervisor racist supervisor matt because i got a lot of shit to matt go ahead got all this

paperwork matt hey this is matt the supervisor was there a problem what did you need sir you

called me no you called me my phone rang you called sears no you called me at 11 o'clock at

night yeah i know what time it is genius um you had the kids in the photos right yeah and then

you said oh we'll give you 20 off if you bring them back and take pictures of them that's

That's disgusting. We would not say that here.

We're a professional company. Come on.

You don't need to be making those kind of allegations against us.

Are you kidding? I just heard it right now.

No, no. You're hearing things. You're obviously on marijuana or something.

How many marijuanas have you smoked?

How many reefers are you smoking, sir?

I don't appreciate you trying to say that about our company.

I have a lot of pride in this company I work for. You don't need to say that about us, sir.

Can you put Kimberly back on the phone?

This is Sears Roebuck. We have a long history from the 1800s.

We used to have a catalog with naked children in it.

Our company was run by slaves 100 years ago.

We did not molest children.

Tucker Mike in Tennessee on the mall.

American icon.

You need to put Kimberly back on the phone.

At least she's not going to accuse us of things like that.

She has nice dark pussy lips.

Dark.

Put Kimberly's pussy lips on the phone immediately.

Let's talk to the lips.

That's what it sounds like.

That's Kim right there.

Did you send it up?

Hi, can I speak with Kimberly, please?

Hi, this is...

Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. That's my supervisor. Go ahead, sir.

Hi, this is Ken Schrader from Speak Out about guns, but brought to you by Sears.

I wanted to talk to you about the calls you've been getting from my employees.

What were they saying?

What are you calling for right now?

Well, I'm calling about the photos.

What about them?

Well, apparently you had gotten some photos taken,

and some of my employees had said some stuff that was,

they claimed offenses, but they quit and walked out on me.

Hey, man, I don't know what's going on right now,

why you're playing games or whatever, but it's 11 o'clock at night.

I'm trying to sleep.

Listen, listen, listen.

It's not 11.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We're still at work, and that's all that matters.

And your satisfaction does too.

All right, well, listen, my satisfaction is at least your words right now.

You know what, sir? Fuck your satisfaction.

I want the money.

What do you want money for?

For the pictures we took of your little perverted children.

Your children are perverted.

Hello?

Who the hell says your children are perverted?

He didn't like that.

Can anyone tell us where it's 11 o'clock?

Like, where is it 11 o'clock?

Yeah, in Hawaii.

No, no, not even in Hawaii.

It's got to be like 10 or something there, right?

I guess.

It's 3.20 a.m. where I am.

I can't believe I'm still here.

I'm in Oregon.

We're on the west coast and it's 12.20.

Where is it? 11 o'clock.

It should be 10.

He's in the past. He's a time traveler.

I don't know, but wherever he is,

his goddamn kids are fucking verted.

I'm offended by his children.

I saw what they did in those pictures.

All right, here.

Before we continue with the series,

here's a Lonesome Loser number.

Remember, Andrea is selling a giant plush monkey for $90.

He's five foot tall and his arms stretch five feet wide.

Holy shit.

Holy $90.

$90 for a monkey.

That's a steal.

I would just call and just pretend like, you know, that, you know, I don't care.

That's a steal the entire time.

Just talk about how great a deal it is.

Don't say anything but, yeah.

Just act like you're ripping her off.

Be like, are you sure you want me to buy this?

It's such a deal.

i don't want brad carter to pee on me things are gonna get awkward in alaska hello yeah andrea

yes sir hi you have a big giant plush monkey with pussy lips for 98 dollars oh yes sir all right and

i thought i was just getting away from the uh oh yeah shut up it has five foot tall yes sir all

right and five the the legs are five foot wide he has soft soft blue fur and giant red boxing

gloves on his hands yeah that's it uh are you interested in buying it yeah i am how big are

the pussy lips on it oh can you check and you look between the legs see how big the pussy lips are

dude that shit was funny because the first time it uh it was like there was another

another bunch of shit in it.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Alright, and, uh...

Hi.

Have my gifts out.

I've got a

giant stuffed monkey

with giant pussy lips.

Whatever.

Hi.

Is it a girl monkey or a boy monkey?

Hello?

Is it funky?

Hi.

It's the brass monkey.

It is the Funky Monkey.

You guys are so stupid.

We got Mark.

His wife's name is Sabrina.

They're selling martial arts weapons and shit

for $100.

Oh, God. That sounds great.

Ask them, like, ridiculous questions.

Ask them if they're Ninja Turtles.

Ninja Turtles.

Or Alabama. Does anybody want this?

Martial arts and shit.

We got a bunch of guys

and we all need weapons for each other.

We need scythes, bows, swords,

nunchucks yeah there's everyone needs to get on and discuss what they want and how good they are

all ninja turtles yeah how good are these

yeah mark oh no man oh well do you have ninja turtles they have martial arts weapons and

shit for sale yes that's all me oh i thought your name was mark oh it's johnny oh then why

does it say mark here my papers it's because mark yeah it says mark your name is mark denson

homosexual man selling arts

martial art weapons with Sabrina

you're a fag hag

shut up asshole I'm going to put someone else on the line

go ahead Matt

Matt go ahead

oh yeah Tyler

you got into shit like the Ninja Turtles

uh huh

oh man I was

going to talk to you to tell him that we was going chupacabra

hunting and you made it

chupacabra hunting

you can't hunt no chupacabra

I'm sorry I just saw that at you

you should be sorry

motherfuckers

people hate me

I'll throw a death fox

I know I hate you

yeah

happy Christmas

man has big pussy lips

I saw him at Defcon

he saw him at Defcon

they talk about every 30 minutes

the stream dies for a second

and it comes right back.

What?

Yeah, it did that.

When I was listening

and laying on the bed,

it did that like five times.

Tell them to listen to

Blue Planet

or the phonelosers.org.

There's a stream

up on the top of the page.

Yeah,

Phone Losers

or Blue Planet.

Or the YouTube.

You're on YouTube, right?

YouTube, yeah.

There's only like

nine or ten people

on YouTube,

so whatever.

Four right now,

assholes.

Assholes.

I'm going to stop

using it, you people.

Use it or lose it,

assholes.

all right i need to get to be your buddy on uh the stupid fucking google plus do that yeah

because then i can add you in a video yeah that'd be awesome because i'm the fucking you know i'll

show my fucking pussy lips all right here's their hot pink dark black like a fucking a dog in a

a nightmare happy christmas baby jesus hello hi yes is this uh what's your name lihua you're with

uh you have some pictures taken a serious portrait studio yeah oh hi yes i was bringing

everybody up to speed uh we have seem to have a problem with your pictures um were you making

the finger in one of these pictures or did you do something bad in one of them no i well who else

else was in these pictures that made dirty uh picture it made a dirty gesture in it nobody did

well somebody did someone snuck a finger in this one um because we're not gonna accept this we can't

print this and we're not gonna refund your money if you put dirty uh images in this at all we have

um i can tell you for a matter of fact that you looking at the wrong person's picture because

that's not mine well do you have children maybe that were showing their pussy lips or something

like that like big black pussy lips what is that what is that does someone have a skirt on and we're

opening their legs in the picture hello listen attention no yes listen you guys took these

pictures at the sears portrait studio we have you we're developing the pictures yeah so someone

Someone showed a dirty gesture with the middle finger, and then there was a woman who opened her legs, and she had her big black pussy lips showing.

Big hairy pussy lips.

Who are you talking about?

Yeah, there was a woman who has dark pussy lips, and she spread her legs, and she was showing them in the picture, and then she's putting the middle finger.

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Sears Portrait Studio.

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

You know what a picture is, you stupid monkey?

You dirty monkey.

Bruh, come talk to me in person and say that.

I don't need to go there in person, you perverted person.

How dare you make women show their pussy vagina lips in the pictures?

You little faggot.

Meet me at Conway in Winter City right now and talk to me in person.

I'm talking to you in person right now on the phone, stupid monkey.

Can I talk to the woman again?

Is she the one with the big pussy lips?

Is that her?

No, but you know what?

You little faggot.

No.

When you want to get up in person, you let me know.

All you can do is hide behind a phone.

Yeah.

I'm a Sears right now.

You want to come meet me at Sears?

Yeah.

Okay, come over.

What Sears are you at?

At the Sears in Hawaii.

Come bring your girl, the girl with the big fat pussy lips with her.

All right?

You don't even know what you're talking about, you stupid Howley.

Howley?

You racist motherfucker.

You think I don't know what Howley means.

You stupid, slanty-eyed, slopey, fucking nasty Hawaiian.

Pineapple eating this pussy lip motherfucker when you grow some balls

Are here I'm gonna grow some balls

He called me a Howley

What the fuck is that way how is a race how I it's a racist word

Americans oh

God it's like white boy. You've never seen the movie North Shore

uh no you need to see the 80s movie north shore

it's something to do with howard mandel i'm offended

deal or no deal yeah hello hello howie no hi this is howie mandel deal or no deal

You guys have no life to do this all night, huh?

Listen, it's Christmas and we're masturbating and we're drinking eggnog

and we're here having a good old time looking at your wife and we're jacking off.

Yeah.

The dark pig in the room.

Or is she the one who's in front of the kill point?

What the fuck is going on?

Turn that shit down, man.

It's a little dog, a bounty hunter on you.

They're going to find the ice.

the true sound

of trashy people is loud

loud loud

didn't he get taken off the air for beating up somebody or something

yeah he did a bunch of shit

he made racist comments and then he beat someone up

he went to Mexico

and then they arrested him in Mexico

for entering illegally

all kinds of weird shit

I thought he was stupid the whole time

he was a dumbass

he's a fucking criminal he's a felon himself

he's a fucking hypocrite

he's a felon

The South Park version was so much better.

I don't watch that shit.

I mean, it's a cool show, but it's just, I don't know.

I got out of it.

South Park is still September 10th.

It's old.

It's actually great on Netflix because you don't have to watch it and watch commercials.

You just kind of, eh.

If you want to watch South Park, just go to SouthParksTOS.com and you can watch all of them for free.

On the website, you can watch it all for free.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you've got a point.

I'll watch it here and there.

I mean, it's a great show.

oh, I'll watch it here and there, but I'm not

that into it anymore. But back when it first came out

in, like, in 98 and shit, I'd watch it.

That movie they made was pretty good.

That was a good movie, yeah.

Good songs. There was a good documentary

they made about the making of South Park,

like how they turn it around in six days

and make it into an episode.

Oh, God, yeah. I would never, ever do that

show because I watched that show.

That would be crazy. It looks very

stressful, yeah. We got more.

We got Kim... Who's next? Let me see who's next

on this list here. Kimberly Adams, is that who we got

next?

I think Crystal's next, isn't it?

Kimberly Adams. Kimberly, that's old, isn't it?

I don't know. I think that's the top

of the list of the next one.

Crystal? The last one I called was

Lima.

I think you repasted some.

Oh, yeah. I may have done that. I'm sorry.

That's cool.

I don't know.

Every person we're calling seems like a very

educated African man

from the United Kingdom.

Crystal's next.

next well apparently crystal apparently from hawaii you know the howie is oh my god who cares

shut up shut up we're calling it's how lee and they're a bunch of fucking reefer heads there

don't worry about it crystals are i don't know what you call them what's the correct term for

a native american monkey islander charlie's charlie charlie who's got you have reached

the sprint voice mailbox of eight oh try it again who's taking it oh god i hate that shit

yeah voicemail sucks man you wouldn't think you'd get voicemails calling phone numbers like that but

yeah they do all right i'm gonna smoke two more marlboro lights and then i'm gonna i'm gonna sleep

i'll just sleep now yeah marlboro light okay bye no no hi crystal yes hi i'm the supervisor

at the photo um portrait studio in sears how are you oh hello i'm fine oh hi sexy little girl i'm

the line because i got a lot of shit to do uh we're gonna put brad on the line he seems to be

doing a good job tonight good uh brad go ahead hi this is brad am i talking about what the fuck i

fucked it up did you like i thought i think she's going i think it was this this sexy this sexy

little girl either that or you got shit to do you can be something like you wait too much for

these photos you just look way too fat to be in these photos brad just hold the phone away from

your face and just be like hold on i'll be done shitting in a minute okay that sounds hilarious

yeah stop it oh shit she had to trace her own yeah she dialed the virus she dialed all the

numbers in order and then she went backwards she showed us a thing or two trying her again

hello crystal this is oh fuck you crystal you bitch no that's bitch god she's showing us a

thing or two all right then we lose tucker mike tuck's gone bye talk oh thank god thank god him

and his fucking anonymous logo from google images him and his big sob story oh i'm starving orders

i just quit i quit doing prank calls he was having fun doing them now hi is this christy

so that hurts my ears billboard showed up using personal if only you were on skype you would know

that'll teach her i think her too maybe everyone do your touch tones i heard myself saying shit

about a stillborn it's really weird doesn't know is we just made a fucking album me and her just

made a baby it was both pressing the button lol jk it's stillborn faggot no all right have you

got darren's number i've got like uh eight more numbers here yeah let's do it let's keep going man

They seem to be answering.

Here's three for you.

All right, three.

Darren.

Darren time.

You guys take this.

I'm a little burnt out.

Somebody pronounce that dude's last name.

I don't know.

Sugimoto.

Yeah, it's Japanese.

Just say Darren.

It doesn't matter.

Really messed it up on purpose.

You want me to do it?

Yeah.

It's Darren Sugi Pussy.

I'm pretty sure that's how it's pronounced.

Like tank and black and glistening.

Please leave your message for 808.

All the back because they always seem to answer the second ring here fucking Hawaiians. They always do that

Lazy shit. That guy's like one of those Americanized Japanese guys. Well first name Darren

His real name is Tommy. I just want to tell him that white people are taking over why sir

We already have we own all the real estate do it now. I said we already have we own all the real estate

He said what people's gonna take over Hawaii I said we already do we own all the real estate

Oh, yeah. It's awesome. I love it. Rock and roll.

Please leave your message for 8-0-8-2.

They had a documentary I saw on TV about that,

that, like, no natives own any of the land anymore.

Good.

Yeah.

I assume. We kicked their asses like we didn't Vietnam.

That's right.

I just think it would be great if we call a Hawaiian

and, like, try and pitch white supremacy in a black voice.

Who?

Nick.

Nick, hey, what? Give a dog a drink?

Yes, sir.

Hello, mister.

That maybe a fair convict?

What?

This is Lehua. Sorry I missed your call. Leave me a message.

This is Legla?

Like, Legla.

Le-lua.

The Sears lady pronounced it Lehua.

I got this.

She's a Lehua.

Okay, Zyklon, go ahead.

Lehua.

My name is Bonica Khalifa.

This is Lehua. Sorry I missed your call.

Bitch.

All right, Jenna.

Look, Jenna.

God, I hate her.

I hate her.

Is she from Hawaii, though?

she's always been trouble is the worst we've called all night yes she's the worst thing

since hitler aids hitler aids was a big problem until i heard about her there was this aids that

went around and it was fucking very prolific jews only uh yeah well no it went everywhere

hello hi jenna i'm gonna put my supervisor on the line i'm with sears portrait studio did you

Do you have pictures taken recently?

Yes.

Oh, there's a big problem with this.

It's disgusting.

I'm going to put someone else.

Brad, did you need to talk to her?

Who was talking to her?

I guess I can.

If I have to talk to this scum of the earth, I'll deal with this.

But I'm not going to be happy about it.

Hey, Jenna, I'm going to put Brad on the line.

Go ahead, Brad.

Thank you.

Hi, Jenna.

It's Brad from the Portrait Studio.

Hi.

You had these pictures done on the 18th, it looks like.

You didn't pick them up yet, did you?

No.

Because we're not going to be able to print these.

Oh, how come?

Someone in these pictures, I'm not sure if it's your kids or you or what,

but someone was showing their genitalia in these photos and, you know,

smiling and thinking it's hilarious.

And I don't think it's hilarious.

It's very vulgar and disgusting.

Yes.

And it would be okay if...

Okay, because that wasn't us.

No, it was definitely you.

It's got your name on it and it's got your...

Yeah, these are your photos, without a doubt.

out no they can't be and it wouldn't be so bad if they had attractive genitalia but this is

disgusting i can't even hear can you shut your kids the fuck up i can barely hear you ma'am

you go ahead and take it hello did you use your shop your way rewards on this picture

no you are you remember of shop your way you remember shop your way rewards whatever he's

saying would be really hilarious if we understood no we're not prank callers we're calling from the

portrait studio ma'am yeah man i'm calling about you're talking about see a shop your way rewards

you use them on the photo that way we can really nobody on planet earth knows what shop your way

blah blah blah is chop listen what the fuck were you showing him did you show him were you showing

your hemorrhoids on this picture no that must have been your hemorrhoids no shut up asshole

listen you're showing genitalia big fat pussy lips and hemorrhoids on here no actually no i'm not

that was you are you a haole girl must be you oh shut up am i haole yeah like you no i'm not i'm

not haole i'm puerto rican oh puerto rican i'm a sexy puerto rican in hawaii yeah i play the

spanish guitar and i play beautiful songs for girls and i you know they get attracted they

throw their panties at me oh yeah yeah but when they have nasty big pussy lips like you in this

picture then i don't develop them yeah

there's a surgery they do now that where they tighten up the pussy lips it's interesting

it's interesting how you folks want to call people on christmas and talk vulgar with the

The last number about Sears Porsche Studio.

Yeah, we're Satanists, that's why.

That's real interesting, real interesting.

We're Wiccans and Satanists, that's why we're here.

That's a great way to ruin people's Christmas, by the way.

Raise the dog, Lord.

Really, we ruin your Christmas?

We're going to put Matt on the line.

He's a racist.

He doesn't really make your Christmas.

Go ahead, Matt.

Yeah, happy Christmas.

Hola.

Happy Christmas to you.

How you doing?

Sugar tics.

Not so good, actually.

I know because you got a screaming fucking goddamn rat kid. Oh, I do

Are you willing to sell that screaming thing or is that not yours? No, it happens to be my neighbors. Oh, yeah

So you're still without

It's a block number, hon.

Infernal mortal.

You're a block number, hon.

I'm sorry?

Your pussy lips are a block number.

Oh my God, shut that.

Can you get rid of them?

Throw them outside.

Maybe you'd like to try and call my husband.

You want to talk to my husband?

Yeah.

That sounds hilarious.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's really threatening.

Ma'am, it's called a pillow and a coat hanger.

What is it?

I've heard it before.

before and they're talking about not being able to print my photos and we took on the 18th because

of my mom just put him on the phone we'll tell him on the phone cunt you stupid do it oh he just

called me a cunt no he didn't liar are you talking to snuffy are you talking to stumble up again

yeah who are you talking to oh they hung up oh that was funny she's like they say i got big fat

I was just thinking

I've never seen an attractive Hawaiian girl

Did you hear her say that her husband

To her husband that we were white people

Yeah I always

I'm offended I'm not white

God damn it

She's the whitest guy I know Brad

You guys really need us

I want to kiss you please

Can I kiss you

No you totally ruined my Christmas

for me and my family

so you need to

lose my number and stop

you're infertile why do you care

God hates you

oh me

I don't have to worry about that

you do actually

God's gonna strike you down with cancer

you can't have babies because you have big fat pussy lip

we ruined her Christmas

we really ruined her Christmas

yeah it's Christmas

Did you hear me? I was like, mission accomplished.

Mission accomplished.

That's what I'm talking about.

Happy Christmas, faggot.

Well, if you call after, watch.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Eight.

Fuck, I'll try it one more time.

See, I want to get the husband on.

He sounds like he's a...

Yeah, well, he sounds like he's a...

There's a blood knot.

He's a beta husband.

He's one named the one...

There's a big fat Hawaiian.

Try to be like a charming guy.

Like, trying to hit on her.

like be like a stud oh it's been forwarded to an honor set her phone off yeah oh it's because

christmas is ruined shop your way rewards shop your way rewards like a sears club program

yeah make sure to say that to her because a good prank call means you use lots of buzzwords that

nobody but you knows about yeah nobody but sears people that makes it extra hilarious

i was just gonna say it'd be really fun if you call one of these get to speak to the husband

get the wife give you the phone of the husband and then you use buzzwords

then be like your husband

was hitting on me

here's a number while

Brett how many more

you got you got about three more

he's got a butt full

not too many looking at right now

we didn't call Jamie Lee did we

no okay hold on let me paste

well you get that I'm gonna call Donald Gayman

Donald Gayman

lives in Iowa

that's a great name

Donald Gaiman

that poor bastard

you know you got picked on

you guys should ask him what it was like for him in grade school

do what now

it's a do what now Christmas show

do what now

now

is this Donald Gaiman

hello

he's like ah not this shit again

I'm sorry dude

you should have been like oh I'm sorry

is this Donald Fagerman

Donald Fagerman

I said it left.

It's KDK.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Gaiman lived up to the name.

Don't whistle Dixie.

I was trying to whistle the meat.

Don't, Gaiman.

You want to do it now?

I'm thinking about how mad KDK is going to be at me when he realizes I'm drunk.

When he hears his voicemail and hears all the shit we said to him.

And he's going to be mad at Tuck, too.

Poor Tuck.

That's terrible.

he's in the doghouse

of a lot of people

that make them forget

like that whole

like especially

with

that Django

Unchained

like about

the slave

fighting his way

to freedom

coming out tomorrow

I imagine

there's gonna be

a lot of hubbub

around the

goddamn plantation

tomorrow

if those

fucking coots

cause

yeah cause

yeah

Tuck taught him

how to read

and everything

forget it

there's a black guy

that went to

his master

in that movie

They're all uppity.

Here's Walter Midget.

They don't want to be

known as Toby. They want to be

Kunta.

You can't

make prank calls anymore.

You can't make Kunta without

cunt. That's very true.

Let's talk some dark pussy lips.

Dark cunty lips.

Fucking

happy goddamn birthday hello hey is this uh mr midget malter midget yeah oh do you have big

dark pussy lips around anywhere i'll tell you what dude i got your telephone number what is it

find out who you are what is it what is it nigger bitch oh he's awesome you should hey you sound

pretty cool mr midget you're laughing i heard you laugh oh is he small or is it just like about his

feet or his dick he's proportionate phone number yet I won't tell it to you

that scared the shit out of me when he said he had our phone number I was not

I would say, dude...

If you could say, not again.

Yeah, again.

Not again.

Come on, midget.

All right, guys, I'm taking off.

See ya.

Oh, thank God.

All right, have a good time.

See ya.

We're going to put a number down there.

With him gone, who's going to say buzzwords that nobody knows what he's talking about?

Who's going to say Sears code words?

What should I say?

What is it, DeathFox?

is this is contact me addison farmers branch gallery at north park are they going to be open

man it's like i just posted what it is she'll be open four in the morning on christmas all right

what is it age 20 you're like all right if they don't pick up from hanging up she looks like a

truck hit her in the face so what is she looking for sex what's going on it's a back page um stand

at five two away 133 love to have fun she has a party fun open-minded all right whatever i'm down

i'm already turned on oh yeah man no she's she looks like a truck hitter in the face

i'll show y'all pictures trucker in the face i'll truck her in the face

trucker i hardly knew her trucker whoa that's the picture do it hi is this uh what's your name

addison hi what's up baby what's going on you got the party oh not much hey we want to make

Thank you. Airtight. You ever done that before?

What is that?

Well, we got like five guys. I'm gonna get the ass.

I don't know what you guys...

Who wants the pussy?

I want the lips. I mean, I want the mouth.

Yeah, which lips?

What all lips are we looking for?

Shut up, bitch. You got big fat pussy lips?

You like that one, right?

Okay.

Can I stab a hole in her gut and fuck it?

And get some goddamn

stomach acid up her mouth.

oh fuck your bile yeah whatever i'm talking about fucking bile and i care about how this

bro looks and you spread your green bile on my cock oh do what now do what now sweetie

yeah hey you said big pussy lips right is that are you down with that or you don't have that

oh i got this machine that injects air into your pussy and it makes your

lips get real fat shut up and speak up you sound like dark stranger it injects hydrogen

Yeah, I'm gonna fill you full of propane.

It might've matched.

So you know when it blows out.

When I hear it.

Oh, she's having a good old time.

What's up?

Merry Christmas.

What's up?

Hey there, pussy lips.

Merry Christmas to y'all too.

Oh, what's up?

Yeah.

You ever been with five black guys at the same time?

It's like a basketball game.

Yeah, she's a fucking spook.

You don't hear her voice.

We'll make you the ball.

We'll be the five black guys.

She is a black girl.

No, I've never done that before.

You never been with black guys before?

Five.

five oh well just four what about four and one black girl i don't know oh yeah you do come on

come on you've had that fantasy you ever you ever get into them are you using metro pcs is that why

everything echoes back at us not actually i'm using at&t what kind of phone we got we got

track phone we have these special new phones that don't echo everything back at us it's amazing

seriously do you ever get into gunplay like we hold guns against you and putting you inside

your pussy lips and stuff?

No, I've never done that.

Last time we did that, it sucked because we accidentally

used real bullets.

It was like, you know that movie, The Crow?

It was embarrassing.

It's like the hooker's name was Brandon Lee.

The hooker's name was Brandon Lee.

What the hell?

I posted another number.

That's when he killed the hooker.

When the hooker was in The Crow.

Yeah, that's right.

When Brandon Lee got shot with the

blanks.

And fucking dummy I mean that's a shitty way to go

But it's like it's really a good way to go because there was no fear behind it. He thought he was just fucking around

I bet you the props guy was his face was really red that day

What ended up happening what did they say there were blanks and misfired or were they really

Blank did it

it was just the fucking dumb

fucking god damn nigger put it to his head

yep definitely

that was the exact quote

yeah that was in

the movie magazine

I read that

the headline

nigger kills Brandon Lee

that was

that was a big quote

what was it just entitled

the movie magazine

in Empire magazine

it was the movie magazine you know all the leads did movies and stuff none of them ever got to do

a sequel never lived to do a sequel this whole family they made a sequel a movie sucked there's

like a hundred of the crow and a reboot i never you know i never saw i don't think i've ever seen

the crow i never saw it i just but it was good but the crow two three four five six seven eight

nine ten wasn't made a bunch of them really did they yeah yeah and i think there's a there's a

reboot recently the crow's soundtrack's uh kind of better than the movie the only really good

thing about the movie is the guy from uh the warriors the warriors come out and play a guy

like swallowing bullets and being like shit all crazy i don't know i just know a bunch of white

kids were into that movie when i was in high school and turned me right off yeah white boys

like this movie i don't want to watch it bunch of they're like yeah put some put some buttons

on your shirt, you fucking white faggot.

There you go.

I've got some more numbers.

Here's the one you did before this one.

More numbers of fucking

faggoty white kids.

Mandy, big Mandy. Hello. Hi, Mandy.

Yes, how are you doing tonight?

I'm good. Are you a tranny because you have man in your name?

Excuse me?

Are you a tranny since man is in your name?

Don't be ashamed. It's alright.

That's cool. We're cool with that.

You know what? Fuck you

and get off my car.

Oh, no, that shit was really all right.

I liked how he said Big Manny at first.

Because he's seen a picture of you.

Somebody repost that number I just put there.

Hey, big girl.

How you doing?

She's gone.

But that was funny.

Like, off the bat, he said, hey, Big Manny.

Do you want me to look up some trannies?

No.

Look up some trannies.

Oh, no, we got a fucking plethora of them if we want to talk to trannies.

Listen to Death Fox pretending he doesn't have a bunch of their numbers already.

Yeah, I heard. Oh, I can look him up.

Yeah, I can look him up.

He pulled out his black book out of his pocket.

Yeah, I could have.

What's up?

Hey, what's up, girl?

Man, sorry, let me tell you to get the fuck off my phone, my nigga, like real shit.

All right, are you blood or crip?

Ah, shit's fat, nigga, stupid.

What the fuck is her deal, man?

You look like a dog, man.

I don't know.

Goddamn stupid coon shit.

Alright so here's Big Carmen

Big Carmen's got

Looking for sex

I like when you call him big

Girls love that

That's a big turn on for them

You know

They love to be known as big

I've been doing it for like

Eight years now

Giant

Fussy lips

And call him very big girl

Giant

Fussy lips

It's like Audrey 2 down there

It's the same girl

You just called

She's a fuck off my line

Oh it's the same girl

like a trap. You're like Audrey

2. You're like Audrey 2.

Death Foxx. She's got two numbers.

Double posting. It was different

names. I know. She's double posting.

She's got like a Google Voice number. I think we need to

report it to Craigslist or whatever

you're pulling us on.

I think Death Foxx is setting people

up. Death Foxx needs to update his

little black book.

That's where these numbers are coming from.

Death Foxx, you need to get a new Bunny Ranch, man.

What's going on?

Give me a second. Here you go.

what's up karma yeah it's the same girl you just called my home yeah i just i want to be good

down you know i'm sorry i've been drinking it's christmas you know well y'all on promotion i

don't play when i i really don't i don't know what you're saying nigger look we're just having

a bachelor party for one i'm not a nigger oh that's cool that's even better look we're you

Let you ask if I'm a blood or a crisp, I'm a fine non-fine rule.

And if you don't stand for nothing in your life and you stay with playing these

ho-ass little kid games, that's all you're ever going to be looked at.

Listen, are we getting lectured by a whore?

We're airing white people having a bachelor party.

Did we just get lectured by a whore?

I guess so.

How much lower can we go?

Pretty much not at all.

That's awesome.

That's awesome, dude.

Dude, that's fucking, that's Christmas Eve fucking encapsulated.

I just told you one good that's good for Matt.

Yeah, exactly.

Getting lectured by a whore on Christmas Eve.

Seriously, we have hit a low point.

All right, Jamie Lee, Jamie Lee Cruz.

I think it's awesome.

I think it's awesome, man.

It's a fun thing.

It's the good stuff.

Cool Rob is here.

Hey, Cool Rob.

Oh, shit.

Shit just got real then.

Yeah, Jamie Lee is coming up.

Let's see Jamie Lee.

No shit.

Jamie Lee's a Portrait Studio customer, so I recognize that.

Oh, I recognize that.

Is somebody still stupid enough to go to his Portrait Studio?

Who does that still?

I don't know.

These idiots.

Hi, is this Jamie?

Jamie Lee?

Hello?

Hi, is this Jamie Lee?

I'm calling from the Portrait Studio.

You got some pictures done here?

And it looks like you did those on the 20th.

You haven't picked those up yet, have you?

No, I haven't.

Okay, well, yeah, we're not going to be able to do these pictures for you

because of the obscene gestures

and the pussy lips that were shown

in the pictures, in the photos.

We have a strict policy against nudity.

Big pussy lip.

I'm very sorry, ma'am. It's our policy.

If you want to come back in, we can give you a refund.

And a general

policy

against a big pussy lip.

How hard

were you, like,

sitting there trying not to laugh

as you said that we have a policy

against big pussy lips?

you motherfucker

we're like nice thin pussies

that's hard to do

if you know what I mean

if we had to name this show

would we call it say what now

or big pussy lips I have no idea

I like pussy lips

I would say big pussy lips

I'm on dark pussy lips

big dark pussy lips say what now

leathery

like you know like every now and again

when you're at a farm

and you're a fucking animal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

I totally understand what you mean.

I've never, ever had that desire,

but how about a beefy, low-glow...

The fly lands on them?

Oh, man.

I just came.

You just came right in your pants.

Those flies are...

Those flies are like a pain in the ass

because they're like,

you fucking...

I'm a pecker, man.

They lay eggs and maggots.

Yeah, I know.

Eggs and maggots all up my...

All the little fuckers.

They'll crawl up.

who's taking it i took the last one it's the same lady i'm trying to get her answer

all right hey boys i'm maryland a big and what was transsexual oh yeah under it but under it's

It's the one you wanted to.

Adult Entertainment Bars? Carson City?

No, read what it's called.

That's the name of it.

Moon Knight Bunny Ranch?

Yeah, ain't that what you wanted?

Nah, yeah, sure, man.

The Bunny Ranch, that's like a TV show.

That's the Bunny Ranch.

Did they make a reality show for the Bunny Ranch?

Yeah, they did.

It's all scripted.

It's the super fancy one.

That'll be the one that won't be super fun to call.

because they check your dick when you get there and it's bullshit i know dude it's really awkward

when they nose around your dick with a flashlight yeah i hate that it pisses me off i never pass

yeah it's humiliating they send you out like oh you got a boil here yeah it's weird like you have

one tick or like and the stink they say

Yeah, because we all get dig zits, you know?

No, I said a tick.

A tick.

Yeah, but dig zits.

Come on, you've had a dig zit.

A tick.

Dig zits.

You got like two of them.

Moonlight Bunny Ranch, how can I help you?

Yeah, do you guys check for dig zits and stuff like that?

Can you report that?

I mean, repeat that.

No, don't report it.

I just want to see if you do check for dig zits, because I have like two of them right now.

But it's not anything bad.

It's just like...

Yes, we do dig checks.

is that what you're asking no but like the zits because like i i shaved and it was the first time

and i got like an ingrown hair or two it's up to the girl if it looks bad to her she'll show more

than likely not well i squeezed it i got most of the stuff pus out and stuff this is you know what

what hey i don't it's up to the girl they're independent contractors and they do them and

if they're not comfortable with it they will not oh can i talk to the girl with the biggest big

big fat pussy lips you got i knew that was happening wow when they when she said their

contract you should ask if they do roofing independent contractors right that's fucking

awesome you're all about you're all about giant pussy lips there's another number the one above

it if you then i was gonna i got that from matt the tranny one so this is the tranny is out of

your personal stash hey boys i'm marilyn a beautiful and passable transsexual sure that's

what she thinks that's what he thinks if interested in seeing a true ts lady and having an awesome

time then call me out and this is the phone number okay cool i'm just a man of making friends

with the tranny probably yeah the uh remember we were talking on the one uh i don't know if

anywhere we were talking to one that fucker's still popping around my facebook is the bunny

no one tranny eddie murphy no it's uh it's eddie murphy eddie murphy has history so it's a little

cool i know i know eddie wow wow that was very angry i was pissed off because i went to eddie

murphy's wikipedia page it was a one mention of that tranny thing the tranny arrest yeah and

you're so angry like you think you would like uh be a little more positive in your like leave a

a message. Like, hey, would you like to leave

a message?

Suck a dick and

whatever. And tranny it out.

She seemed pretty passable, though.

She sounded cunty like a woman, a real woman.

Yeah, like, yeah, the cunt.

The cunt really came through.

The cunt is coming.

It's cool rock there.

Alright, here's Danielle. Man, it's past 4.

It's cool rock. Say hello.

It's past 4 a.m. for me. I can't believe I'm still gone.

This is great.

Gotta love those vikings.

man you should they put me to sleep send me some cocaine

i just want to thank dr martinez for prescribing i get in hi this is uh danielle i was looking for

danielle uh yeah call me oh this is cross i'm with the sears photo center lab portrait studio

oh okay hold on hurry up this is dr martinez yeah hi this is dr martinez i'm calling from

from the sears portrait studio yeah yeah i've been taking a few vikings and i noticed your

pictures there's some dirty things going on here were you making like a sexual gesture in one of

these pictures before i print this out i want to make sure you know that you agree with this

what are you talking about well like you you were like you had your legs open in one of these i

don't know if it was an accident or did you mean to make a sexual gesture with your picture before

we print them i want to make sure that it wasn't a mistake because we normally don't we normally

Well, we normally don't do erotic poses, but, I mean, if that's what you're into, we'll print these.

But we were looking at them, we were, you know, taking Vicodins and masturbating to the pictures.

They were really hot.

You're a very sexy, very sexual, sensual woman.

Do you understand?

No, no, no.

What I'm trying to explain is that you took these portrait studio pictures, and one of them, we could see your nipples in one of them.

And the other one, you had your legs spread open, and we could see your panties.

Hello? Who is this?

yeah is that your wife danielle or okay well in one of the pictures that she took here at the

sears portrait studio um we can see her one of her nipples in one of the pictures and then

we can also see her her um her panties and another one um was that on purpose like does

she want to take erotic pictures or was it an accident no um this is dr martinez and

Yeah, Doc

Doc, talk to him

Let's get the meds

One of the pictures has her nipples showing

And her panties

So how the fuck did you get this number?

Ah, whatever

Hey, genius

She gave it to us on the paperwork

Dirty little fucking tramp

Okay, do you want to know what's funny about this?

No

You got a trace on the line, is that it?

Is that what's funny?

No, that's not all it is

i got a fucking lawyer you dumb shit oh shit wow you have a jew then yeah i have a fucking lawyer

and i'm gonna figure out what the fuck's going on wait have a good say it again say what you

hear in the background this is your mask yeah that was great

dude you actually you did the fucking i hadn't heard the dun dun dun in a while

Wow, that was good.

I like it.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic...

Oh, yeah.

And he dropped a bombshell on us.

I should...

We should quit this.

Leave a voicemail and somebody should say a lawyer,

and then the music should play.

A lawyer? I hardly knew her.

He's going to lawyer up.

Those numbers I'm posting in the thing are 24 hours long.

Oh, shit.

That means I got food.

Yeah, did you say you were going to lawyer up or something?

thing no i don't have to lawyer up i actually have a lawyer and i do have connections to doing

stuff so i'm gonna fucking take care of it and i'm gonna figure out what the fuck's going on

with you guys we're afraid of you about it oh we can edit the we can edit the nipples out

we can no i don't need anything edited because everything's all done up but as far as what i'm

going to take care of i'm going to be going through series and figuring out what the fuck's

going on because i do have a lawyer hey it's not our fault that her nipples are on there

They're crooked, you know.

Yeah, it's not our fault that her nipples are showing.

They're just, oh, fuck.

It's crooked.

Control your wife.

She's got a hairy nipple.

She needs a nipple job, you know that.

It's like, it's like, goddamn.

Ask if the lawyer's there yet.

It's like, pipe cleaner.

a call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice deliver a message zero eight two two one two four at the tone please

record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for

more options i hear there's gonna be a lawyer this is the mechanical lawyer we're talking

I'm just giving mechanical lawyers.

It records our depositions.

What?

Beep, beep, beep, boop, boop.

Beep, boop.

I am a robot.

And the virus.

Jade, Jade.

This is the last one we got, Brad?

No, there's like two more after this.

Sweet.

Here, let me paste them.

I'm still posting numbers.

Oh, Jade?

Who cares about your dumb numbers?

My numbers are cool, right?

You didn't reach the number that I've been disconnected from.

What?

That wouldn't sound

as weird as shit.

It sounded like it hit the switching station wrong.

It banged off

a fucking old soup can.

They're still using mechanical switches.

Yeah.

Yeah, like a big

old Cosmo switches.

And they were like

clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.

They were really weird because they used to

sleep above one of them for a while.

Here's one.

We got Chuck Queer towing.

wow i got that here really chuck queer there's an old man named chuck queer who's always angry

chuck where i said this can't be chuck where i said

all right this is from lonesome loser chuck where let's do it isn't the day let's all let's say a

moment of silence for a lonesome loser we all like we expect dead and it's nice to do it all

I'll miss him most of all

Hello

Hi is this Chuck Fagg

Who

Chuck Queer

You completely shocked her

It's in your butt

I'm sorry I came off a little strong

It's in your butt

It doesn't even matter anymore

Just say fuck you

hello chuck yeah hey what is your last name is queer right yeah and what's that say about you

what's that say about you dickhead no i have big fat pussy but you wouldn't be

whoa oh yeah that too i got one of those yeah is that what you prefer

yeah you're an asshole that's all right i'll make it nice and tight

yeah you're a fucking asshole what do you use for lube egg whites or what do you like

he is pretty angry

oh dude he

yeah he was furious

the second he picked up the phone

that guy was

oh come on that guy grew up with less than queer

dude and it's fucking

it's like a boy named

four or five in the morning

grade school must have been hell for him

yeah but this guy has no

he has no charisma

he's just an honorary angry person

is this him again

or who is this somebody else

This is Joseph photolab Joseph Joseph photolab gay

Damn case

Leave your message for

Wyatt what?

For who why it doesn't sound like a Joseph do what now do what do it now? No shit zones 420

Look it's cool. Please leave your message. Yeah, cool. Robbing us anything is gonna sit there or

Hang up on that motherfucker.

Dark Stranger's another one that's been sitting there all this time.

Taking up bandwidth.

She was actually

on the talking.

Like three hours ago.

She typed something

that said she had to go and do something.

I forget what.

I think she's his family.

Here's the last one then. Catherine's the last

Sears. I think she had

a boyfriend. His name had

something to do with novels or something.

He was coming from the States.

Book.

Something with a book.

Yeah.

Book is something.

No.

That guy.

He was coming to visit her.

Book-a-lips.

This is going to be a good time.

Yeah.

You're going to put their lips together.

LOL.

Just kidding.

It's still working.

Sorry I missed you.

Leave a message after.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dude.

No, it's Lily.

You have a baby boy.

LOL.

Sorry.

Dude, that's nice of you to just have that, like, ready to go.

I don't have anything ready to go on this

computer anymore, but I still have that.

Well, you should, Brad. You should make a comeback.

That's funny that you have that.

You should put that on the zip drive.

You should just join Carlito Show everywhere.

That's like one of the few things I have left.

You should put that

on a zip drive, an optical

disk. Zip drive?

Sorry, I missed you.

What was the whole zip drive? That was so stupid.

Zip drive. I'm going to get a floppy disk

that holds three tons of capacity.

i had a zip drive i had 100 it came with a pc that i bought once and i never used the bitch

i was like what i had one the external blue ones with the little knobs on the side it was like 20

bucks per disc i was like this is i'll burn a cd i stole some from my employer wow i started the

whole thing that's what i do i brainwash fuckers yeah now we're talking about zip drives i almost

forgot about that shit i omega 24 hour markets and stuff in there if you want i heard i heard

yeah space market did we get the last uh sears person yeah they didn't answer ah balls that was

the last one we're out that was fun we had fun all night with those um lonesome is sending in

another number i think i'm going to be done here pretty soon man so it's 4 30 almost man for me

yeah you're an hour that restaurant we call that one a jewish one called tabirius

wow they prefer to be called african-american not jewish all right here's this is the embassy of

the Democratic People's Republic of Korea?

Of course it is.

Of course it's Democratic.

I've been playing

the Simpsons game for a full five hours

now. How many of those fucking

Christmas coins are retarded?

I finally figured those out.

What are they for?

You can build a Mapple store.

That's all I know.

Random God said he put a number in Request a Prank.

Carly is way too drunk to check

Request a Prank. Come on.

Yeah, it's just the Democratic People's Republic of Korea embassy machine.

Is this the North Korean embassy?

Machine.

He said the number he's taking is the Archdiocese of Baltimore.

That sounds exciting.

Yeah, that'll ring for a fucking hour on Christmas Eve.

I'm sure they're really fantastic.

I'm sure church people.

people yeah well they're probably just wrapping up midnight mass right now i'll have another one

in about two hours there's one thing we hate here on these calls it's fucking jesus and christians

and catholics yeah and anyone yeah i just put i just posted a number that uh dark stranger

tried to talk to earlier at sears and uh they hung up on her so maybe now that she's gone we

can get through maybe she won't she won't be around to fuck it up rod isn't around dark

Chuck Stranger's a fucking cool broad.

Yeah, except when she fucks up all the calls.

Hello, Queers.

Hey, Chuck Queer, faggot.

It's a shame that people like you have to ruin the holidays for people.

Why don't you grow the hell up?

You're an accomplice.

Holy shit, lady.

Holy shit.

You picked up the phone at this time of night.

You've ruined two holidays now, Carlito.

Why do you do it?

You've got to get great before you end the show.

What the fuck up?

what the fuck up is with that rod

she picked it up instantly

and screamed

she was just ready for it

that's the only kind of call she gets anymore

try to talk somebody get through

hi

oh wait that was no that was a clink

and that was an actual phone too

the big ring

yeah I think I hear it

random guy says that's a personal cell phone

for the priest

that's at that church

Yeah, but I don't, I mean, for me to get to request a practice

I'm just telling you

Just give me your password, Carlito, I'll get it

Yep, one, two, three, four

Five

It's your luggage, luggage password

Yeah, how'd you know?

What the fuck?

Hi, I'm the voice note boss of Robbie Pokeypala

Sorry I missed your call

Pokeypala?

Feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible

Sounds erotic

At the tone, please

Lick-a-mock-a-mick-as-miss, I love you

I lick-a-lick-a-luck-a

It's a wise way to say stop fucking calling.

Mel, it goes like a lock.

It's the thing to do from Bobby Malaka Boobadoo.

I told him to give me the name and number in private.

All right.

Yeah.

Go private.

Now we got Mike Boner and some logging.

All right, let's try that.

Poop, poop button.

Mike Boner.

TV.

That's funny.

Anyway, you get it.

boner dude imagine your last name being boner you probably have a good rap yeah i know you would

like hi it's mike boner ho ho ho hi this is mike boner and son logging hello oh this is oh several

of us here but we're looking to talk to mike is he available or is it too late to call him talk to

him where are you calling from oh i'm calling from the north korean embassy the democratic people's

republic of korea and i'm calling from israel dear so is mike around he passed away three years

ago oh shit ouch

have you did you check those cherries that he ate before he died because we have reason to

believe they were poisoned with arsenic did you know have you heard have you heard of chuck queer

towing happy christmas lovely lady yeah have a nice christmas yeah seriously ho ho ho it can

It's going to be nice if we swoon.

Trying to fax on us?

There's that number from Random Guy.

Oh, Random Guy.

This is going to be the last one.

This is my last call because I'm tired.

That went well, didn't it?

Did Samantha put that number in there?

I'm all depressed now.

Joseph Tran the Pastor.

Tranny Pastor.

Did Samantha put that number in that poor woman

with the dead husband?

No, that's fine.

It really kind of was.

I bet we reached her at her hospital room.

Fucking goddammit.

She's like, I got my teeth taken out.

Jason Scott wants to fuck me.

The hell with all of y'all.

Excuse me, these are the archdiocese of Baltimore.

Wow.

Wow, is it?

Is it?

I'll call a cell phone.

This is the last call that I'm doing.

You guys can keep going if you want.

I think I'm ready to quit.

Yeah, I'm checking out here.

Yeah, I'm going to go to sleep.

Fuck this.

Make him say you were the holidays.

I'll stand all by myself.

and can not call out, I'll just sit here

and talk and talk and talk.

I'll leave you on the air, Matt.

No.

I can't believe Cool Rob hasn't talked.

Alright, what'd he call for?

Hello, this is a pairing

of Our Lady of La Vang.

Ah, it's such a pairing.

Really? How can you talk

Christmas shit with that?

God damn it! Cool Rob

is here. God damn it.

I am so happy that you accidentally had it on mute,

Cool Rob.

Jesus Christ, man.

Alright, here's the last one.

We got the Vatican switchboard.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not going to leave you hanging there, Matt.

It's Christmas Eve.

I'm not going to leave you hanging there, cowboy.

Alright, cowboy.

Vatican switchboard.

Let's just tell them.

And fuck all those people in the chat.

God damn.

Watch your mouth, sweetheart.

I'm sorry I woke the dragon.

Pronto, Vaticano?

cool Rob I think she said something about your mom I would say just keep hitting zeros yeah hi

is this the vatican switchboard machine oh yes hello I just let random weirdos talk to the boat

it was an italian you had it said to hit zero oh I just heard pronto I thought it was hello

Hey Carlito, before we quit, can we call hospitals in the UK?

You can.

No, I want you to dial them.

Hey Fred, I can call hospitals in the UK.

Pronto.

Ah, stupid Vatican.

Pronto.

Fucking fuck you and your goddamn Jesus.

Happy birthday to shit, you fucking faggot.

Wow.

His birthday's Easter.

What are you talking about?

And on that note...

And on that note, Merry Christmas, everybody.

That's when he came out.

Well, well, well, because I said...

Well, Merry Christmas!

Damn!

I said F word, and I got kicked.

I don't care.

Well, baby, you ought to talk to my buddy, Tug, man.

You sound like my brother, Tug, man.

You know what I mean?

And I got a friend here named Fox, man.

He's such a straight.

Wow.

God damn.

What's happening?

I don't know what the hell this is.

I don't know.

It's something kind of weird.

We'll hang up and let you guys...

Battle it out

We need to make some calls

It was fun, yeah, it was a fun show. All right guys

What I say, oh, that's nice, that's nice

Bookapoo

All right, we're off air. We can't hear you can't hear. All right, I'm leaving bye guys

Seriously have a good Christmas. I heard you the first

Later, Carly.

Bye, DeathFox.

See ya.

Bye.

Bye, Matt.

Merry Christmas.

See ya.

Bye.

Bye, StrangerDark, if you're there and you're not.

Bye.

Bye, Brad.

See ya, Brad.

Thanks for everything.

Bye.

Calls (61, 2 h 44 min of 5 h 49 min)

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