Carlito and RBCPs New Years Eve

okay we're live on the air this is rbcp and with me is carlito hey carlito boner yay carlito hey

and um carlito it's completely carlito's fault that we didn't make it in time i wanted to do

a happy new year's for the central time zone people and you screwed it all up by being a

little late you still got mountain baby yeah yeah um hold on i gotta find something here

Ah, this.

It's the only Auld Lang Syne, whatever song I have.

So this is for Central Time Zone.

And I guess since we missed Central, this is for East Coast people, too.

I was going to say, fuck you, East Coast people.

But here, we're going to play a little bit of this for the New Year's Eve prank show.

All right, that's enough of that.

Let's make pranks.

So is this my show or your show?

Our show.

Can I make an announcement?

I can't do a show Thursday because I've got something going on Thursday night.

I'm going to be in a hotel room with a girl, so I won't be here.

with a 16 year old like jen no no no like jen no no she's uh are you gonna bring your

archery kit to the she turns she turns 18 on wednesday so okay well that's all right

it's cool man yeah um man i had an announcement and now i can't remember it because i'm all i'm

all thrown off by you being late the phone shows back yes no no no fuck that shit um that'll be

be nice uh linux is garbage.com i'm trolling linux users and it's really easy because they

take their operating system like too way too seriously oh my god i know right and and the

simpsons thing you're looking for people i am too oh yeah yeah that that was my announcement uh

everyone needs to get on their iphones and ipads uh linux users won't be able to do it because

linux users would never use an iphone or an ipad uh hold on i gotta make sure this doesn't turn

Turn it into music.

La, la, la, la.

There.

There's your music.

The train game music.

Yeah.

Yeah, so everyone get on the App Store.

Download Simpsons.

Tapped out.

Tapped out, yeah.

And add me and Carlito.

My name is RBCP, and Carlito is Carlitas hyphen X.

Yes.

That's a good way to make things easy.

Put hyphens all over the place.

I know.

Yeah, it's in Carlitos instead of

because of OS, US.

I'm surprised your domain name isn't like

matthouse-live-

Yeah.

Like blueplanetprankcall.info.com

Something, yeah.

Or 98.6themouth.com.

That was always fun.

People used to get mad at that.

We need to pay our respects to KDK

because this show is happening because of

Dr. Phil, who's a KDK listener

and he emailed me and said

are you going to do a show tonight just out of nowhere?

and uh actually why why why would i pay respects to kdk because this is why there's a respect to

us dr phil's an awesome guy hey doctor if you're listening to dr phil what's up man i haven't

talked to him in a while it's weird i met him completely uh outside of um you know madhouse

or kdk or anything uh you know i went into the ebombs uh tiny chat and started hanging out in

there like earlier this year and i met dr phil and then all of a sudden i see him in kdk's room

and that was what the fuck i knew that guy that's cool if i can drop a plug real quick i'm still

waiting for an ingress invite any android uh players any android people that got ingress

i could use an invite hit me up that's all what is ingress uh it's i don't know how to explain it

it's like google's trying to outsource uh they're trying to crowdsource some fine tuning of their

mapping thing so they made up this game where you go around with your android tablet or phone

with gps on and in the real world there's like little nodes and stuff and you can be on one

faction or the other and i've played it it's kind of like kind of like capture the flag in the real

world but like in a secret real world it's it's kind of yeah yeah i played it was a stupid little

iphone game it's something about robot doko bot or something and you you went around all these

these areas of your town and you collected batteries and it was pretty neat and then have

you heard about the one that's like it's kind of like an exercise type game uh you have to run

around your city and all these zombies are chasing you on your screen so you have to keep it on your

screen i think i heard about that yeah i heard about that yeah but i'm too fat for that yeah

i've never played that because fuck running but that sounds amazing right yeah that's when that

we came out i was like fuck that shit i want to sit on my ass and play a game who wants to play

that we dr phil is in the chat room he's saying he started listening to kdk around 1996 when kdk

invented internet prank call radio well i guess it's i guess it's true wow dr phil on the new

year show i remember before we started the show you said you wanted to prank um you wanted to do

convenience store survey pranks because you love those but you've never actually done one before

on the christmas eve show yes yeah we never got around to it because we were having so much fun

with sears yeah every one of those was a pickup every one of those is pretty good i think we only

had one that didn't pick up unlike the complete garbage i sent to your show the the you know days

before the week before yeah that's fine some days it's like that man that's cool um yeah 7-eleven

works and i'll see if i can scrounge up some numbers i was thinking um louisville kentucky

sounded hilarious but they apparently don't have 7-elevens but i have a bunch of circle k's

yeah that's cool that works

I kind of wanted to invite people to call in

and just tell us your resolutions

maybe is that too gay

no no that's fine

tell us all your broken promises

to yourself

the number is the old phone show number

I'm in charge tonight

it's 505-796-4020

or phone losers.org

on Skype

and then we'll hang up on them immediately

oh yeah that's another thing

I think I might have connection problems tonight.

So far it sounds okay, but please let me know somehow if connection issues arise.

Yeah, I've got a little monitoring tool.

If I see a dropout, I'll give you the high sign.

Okay.

I'll make sure to get that on right now.

I know it was choppy earlier when I was testing things, but since then it's been all right.

All right, cool.

Well, hopefully it stays.

All right, looks good so far.

All right.

Ready for our first failure?

Yes, let's fail.

Circle K.

How about if I get the customer on the line

and then you talk to the customer?

Okay.

Is that okay?

Sure, that's fine.

I've got to drink some real quick here.

I have to remember if I know how to do this.

You know, I really haven't done a show

that I've been in charge of since the phone show, really.

Since, like, August.

Well, here we are.

Return to the phone show.

Yeah, we did Christmas Eve, but that was yours.

I was just running the stream.

You were running the Skype.

Is that how?

I don't even remember much of that show.

I don't remember.

They wouldn't shut down Circle K's for New Year's, would they?

No, they're probably pretty busy.

That's probably what's going on.

I've worked at a bunch of convenience stores.

They never shut down any of them for us.

Mm-mm.

Nope.

There.

I found this website.

It's like the Craigslist of the UK, but their numbers aren't formatted for international,

and I always fuck it up.

Ah.

Well, I've got 11 cents credit if we want to...

Oh, shit.

That's right.

You don't have credits like that.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I might be up for, you know, putting ten bucks on there and making some UK calls.

Yeah, I got money locked in this account. I can't get her to help.

Hi, this is Paul from the Dairy Mart corporate office.

Yes?

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have any customers in there I could speak with?

No, not at the time. It's third shift, and we lock the doors on third shift and work through the drawer.

Oh, motherfucker. God damn it, shit.

Okay.

Cunt.

You don't need to laugh at me, ma'am. I'll put you out of a fucking job.

Excuse me?

You heard me. And don't use that tone of voice with me either, because I'm your boss. I'm basically your boss. I'm your boss's boss. I sign your paycheck. Do you have a paycheck stub with you? Look at the signature on it and see what it says. Goodbye. Happy New Year.

I get direct deposits, so I don't know.

I'm so old, I think that paychecks still arrive that way.

I don't even think, yeah. Most places, if you don't get direct deposits, they give you a debit card now. Everyone's like, fuck paper.

She answered Dairy Mart. Like, I guess they changed ownership.

You're changing the name. Dairy Mart. That's a place I want to go.

That's what we have here in Albany, Oregon. We have like three or four dairy marts.

I was going to think about tips.

Hi, this is Paul from the corporate office. I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have any customers there in the store I could speak with?

No, we don't. 1.30 in the morning.

Well, yeah, duh. Do you lock up at night, or are they allowed to come in?

No, we just had customers.

oh sorry you do have

I mean you just had customers in there but then

just a second ago you were talking to me like I'm retarded

for asking it's 1.30 in the

fucking morning why would we have customers you fucking

idiot I see how it is

I'm sorry I'll try back then later thank you

he's like I'm sorry

alright

maybe I should try a you know

west coast time zone

I'm sorry got any ideas

for a city uh yes I do

Kansas City

what's it what state is that in missouri or there we go yeah it's not kansas missouri that's it

well it's both isn't it doesn't it like is there kansas city kansas i don't know yeah my favorite

kansas city missouri st louis that's a good town too it's not even midnight yet there so they're

partying man yeah yeah the store should be full yeah people buying beer probably in that state

that's what i would do striking out yeah i'm gonna check that train game that railroad what do you

you do in that game you just put down railroad stakes oh yeah it's amazing it's uh it's like

two years old you ever played that one that it's like a circuit board and you have to put all the

circuits in the right direction to light up the lights i had a class like that yeah well it's a

game like that but instead of circuits it's railroad i guess it's nothing like that right

you can do uh yeah uh and and or circuit no no i'm sorry that was a horrible comparison

It's embarrassing. It's awesome. It's called Rail Maze.

And I was really addicted to it. Like, worse than The Simpsons, even.

Oh, yeah.

Now they're busy because I paused it.

I hated that class. Electronics.

It was fun, but the teacher was an asshole.

Polaris wants us to call some VFW halls. Do they do something?

Oh, yeah, man. They're partying.

Yes, Mark Richard. Can I help you?

Hi, this is Steven from the corporate office. I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I could do a survey with?

Pardon?

You heard me?

Yeah, sure.

Is there a customer in there I could speak with?

No, sir, not right now.

Oh, when was the last customer?

About five minutes ago.

Okay, bye.

Call him back.

Call him right back.

Ask him if there's another customer yet.

Just to be stupid.

You have a customer yet?

Man.

They know how to get us back.

The automatic second call.

It's weird.

7-Eleven and Circle K does that, you know, with the fax machine.

Gas Mart Richard, can I help you?

Is there a customer there yet?

No, you're just one pulling up.

Oh, perfect.

Perfect. I'd love to talk to him, because I'm calling from the corporate office, and it's a survey, and they get a free soft drink or hot dog or whatever you have in there.

Just a minute, sir.

Okay, thank you.

Yes, who, me or the customer?

Yes, hi, welcome to, I want someone to thank you. Welcome to Gas Mart. You're the 1,000th customer of the month.

You made it in just right before the New Year's. Did you have any plans for going to be picking up any alcohol today?

No.

What did you come in for? Maybe we can get you a deal, get you some free stuff for answering our survey.

I'm actually all right.

You're all right?

What did you come in for?

Just to come in and talk?

Or what do you want?

All right.

Thank you.

What did you come in for?

Would you like a sandwich?

A sandwich?

No.

We'll give you a sandwich.

Oh, come on.

I can do something for you.

Come on.

I'll suck you in.

I don't know either.

Loitering, I think.

Oh, okay.

Did he go in there to buy weed or something?

We probably just fucked up a drug deal.

You should call him back and accuse him of that.

Gaspar, Richard, can I help you?

Oh, hi.

This is the corporate office again.

I just need to talk to that guy real quick.

We just need to do one last thing with him.

It's totally legit.

In just a minute, sir.

Okay.

Tell him he can't loiter.

He doesn't want to talk, sir.

Okay.

You need to tell him that he needs to leave the store.

There's no loitering allowed.

Since he's not there to buy anything, he needs to be thrown out of the store.

Yes, sir.

You need to force him out physically.

Like, grab him by the arm and show him who's boss and lead him out the door.

Yes, sir.

Okay, just don't hang up the phone.

Go ahead and do it right now so I can hear it happen.

He's already gone.

He's not loitering.

Go to the door.

And yell at him, don't...

Yeah, what did he come in there for, sir?

Seriously.

I think he went in there to buy drugs.

I think that guy's selling drugs.

He's probably just like, fuck this place.

Gas mart.

What the hell's a gas mart, anyway?

Who wants to get something to eat at a gas mart?

Eat here and get gas.

Wow.

Great time.

That makes up for all the shittiness we started out with.

I noticed a little bit of choppiness, so if anyone notices any horrible sounding stuff,

please let me know.

Gas mart.

Hi, this is Steven from the corporate office with Gas Mart.

How you doing?

Oh, pretty good.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with?

There's no customers in here right now.

There's none outside maybe coming in?

No, it's been a slow night tonight.

Really?

The whole day's been slow.

New Year's?

Yeah, it's snowing.

Oh, it's snowing.

Is you here in Kansas City?

Oh, no, no.

We're in some other city that's not Kansas City.

We're in St. Louis.

It's ice in here.

This is the corporate office in St. Louis.

If you just want to close up, I know it's New Year's and everything.

We think if it's snowing, it's not safe for you to be there.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you want to go?

I mean, if you want, you can go.

You want to go home and be with your family.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, that's cool.

You think we can do that, Steve?

You think that's all right, Steve?

It's pretty evil, but sure.

Why not?

Yeah, that's cool.

Our boss might be mad.

Oh, no.

We'll talk to the boss.

Do you have a key to lock the door?

We have the mag locks and everything, so nobody will be able to get in.

You need the code to get in our store.

Perfect.

So once we lock down the store and everything, you need the code to get in.

Perfect.

Yeah.

out and go home it's fine yeah all right thanks sure all right happy new year thanks all right

happy new year all right you too this is that's wrong that shouldn't have happened

it's all wrong with that we did oh me and dark stranger spent a whole night doing that during

the uh hurricane sandy thing we kept sending people home in philly the seven elevens they're

like oh yeah thank you man oh i'm gonna go home but yeah it's pretty bad out there you should

probably be with your family yeah yeah you want to take something with you go ahead all right

uh i posted a number there i didn't format it but it's uh i can handle it i've hardly drank

anything there you go 85 gmc sierra i know nothing about cars you should definitely take it then

definitely i remembered to turn off the music for all of those calls so good i'm very good

proud of you oh yeah so vfws what did they do tonight like they have yeah they have parties

the vfw members free parties and okay it's like a veterans thing yeah vets yeah vets get into the

vfw yep and their and their spouses and their gumas is it mostly old people not anymore not

as much anymore it's a lot of you get a lot of iraqi vets now and stuff all right it used to

be an old crowd but now the uh i read an article where like the younger crowd because of the two

new wars uh yeah two new wars yeah all right yeah that's interesting i've never really been in one

before i know someone i worked as a bartender in one he used to get shitty tips from the old

people used to hate it so it's a bar they get like they had to have like a little bar there and

dance hall and stuff yeah my grandma used to go all the time is it open to the public

no well you can bring so you can bring a plus one you know with you if you want if you're a vet

some of them you can pay i think to get in if they have a special event like tonight they might have

like you know i'll just wear my jacket tonight usually it's probably vets i think yeah i was

was at the grocery store the other day i was wearing an army jacket and this old man's behind

me and he kept trying to talk to me and i don't like talking to people oh he would probably would

have paid for your shit man that's the big thing yeah but he actually said thank you for your

services to me and like like i look like an army person i'm old and fat that's what i look like

she's like well i'm gay she should have told me i got kicked out for gay it's the shitty old army

jacket i stole out of a car in 1992 that is awesome apparently it makes me look like a vet

Keep doing it.

You should go out to the restaurants and stuff.

Get free food.

Circle K here.

I guess I'll try and get back on, get a customer for you.

Thanks for calling Gas Mart.

This is Peggy.

May I help you?

Hi, this is Paul from the corporate office with Gas Mart.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with?

I do.

Okay, that'd be great.

If you let them know they get a free soda or a hot dog or whatever, we just do a survey.

It takes maybe a minute.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hold on one moment.

Gas Mart.

Okay.

Okay, dairy, Mark.

What a bitch.

I got two kids in the car.

Hello?

Okay, she didn't want to do the survey.

Oh, she didn't?

And there's no other customers?

No, she's got two kids in the car.

No, not this late, no.

Can you?

Yeah, she's got two kids in the car and a drunk boyfriend.

she doesn't have time a drunk boyfriend is the hey i'm sorry this is jim in the corporate office

how are you hon i'm fine peggy right hey are you sure does she really have kids in the car and all

that you go check i can't see him from here i knew it did she scan her did she use her loyalty

card um no oh she didn't okay all right because we're going to deactivate that for her being so

she was pretty rude pretty rude nasty to you i think it sounded like it from here yeah yeah

Yeah, asshole customers.

Well, do you have any other customers you think coming in?

Not at the moment.

Got a bunch of guys out there pushing a car into a parking spot

because they have a flat tire, but that's about it.

Oh, they can't do that.

They can't do that, though.

Yeah, if they come in, tell them they got to get that car.

They have 60 minutes to get that towed or a wheel towed at their expense.

Write that down.

Steve, write that down that we're going to have that car towed.

Okay, I'm writing it down.

Maybe, ma'am, you could go out there and tell them to push that back out into the street.

Yeah.

Okay.

But, I mean, if they're coming in, maybe we could talk to them.

Yeah, they either have to come in and explain, let us know how long they're going to keep the car there,

or, you know, because we need to document it, or they can't leave that car there for a long time.

Right.

Well, he came in and asked if he could leave it until morning.

What did you say?

Normally, we usually let them.

I'm not sure what company policy is.

And usually after 24 hours, they're still out there.

We call a tow truck.

Steve, we're going to have to write Peggy up, because that's not a lot.

Unless you can.

I'm printing out the write-up form.

Yeah, can you, listen, Peggy, I'm sorry,

but you're going to have to go out there and explain to them

that they need to get the car out of there,

or we're going to have to write you up.

I mean, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to, I know it's the holiday.

I understand.

Can you please do that, and we'll hang on the line.

We want to know whether or not they do it or not.

Or if you bring them in, we could talk to them even.

Yeah, we can make an arrangement.

I got this, bro.

I'm going to print out the tow form here.

Yeah, please.

Get that all ready.

All the paperwork.

Doing this for Polkja in tiny chat.

Hi, this is Ralph Littlejana with the corporate office.

I understand you have a disabled vehicle you're going to be leaving here?

Yes.

How long were you expecting to leave it there for?

Because it's usually not allowed.

It takes up space.

I understand, but sometime until the morning.

Were you going to do it?

Is this car insured?

Does it have insurance?

And you got valid plates on it?

Temporary tag as of right now.

temporary tag did you just buy it or what happened yeah i just bought it you just bought it and

already broke what's wrong with it is it a bad tire flat tire yeah um i mean you we can let you

leave it there for about 60 minutes and after that either either hey there has to go we're

gonna tow it at your expense because we you know we have a lot of bums you know leaving cars in

there and taking up the space and it's a space for just our customer were you planning on buying

buying anything just came over here because i was running funny so i pulled into the parking lot

all right well you think maybe you could buy a few things and we'll let you leave it there for

a few hours but if you're not going to buy anything we're going to have to ask you to

push the car out into the street not to the public right away what are you going to buy

you have to spend at least uh twenty dollars before taxes before sale you have to spend at

least twenty dollars before sales tax no don't curse because i'll have that car towed right

now my mom is on her way i'll figure out what i can do oh your mom's gonna your mom's gonna

gonna solve your problems is that what it is what your mom's gonna solve your problems you

have to call mommy to come fix the problem so who are you talking to i'm talking to stupid

customer that leaves a piece of shit car in my store that's who i'm talking to i don't know

but they're talking reckless and i'm about to tell them about himself because you can go fuck

yourself how about that why don't you go fuck your mom when she gets there i hope this calls

who are you talking to bitch ass nigga do you want me i'll beat the fuck out of you who the

fuck are you come up here if you want to right now whatever faggot ass nigga who you talking to

you bitch ass motherfucker man you're soft nigga you're soft you bitch ass nigga come over here if

you want to pussy nigga what's up all right get get that piece of car out of there hello yeah get

get that car i want that car out right now right now okay get the stupid car you need to leave and

get your car you gotta take your car out of here tell him to push that crappy ass car out of there

right now unbelievable yeah right is he afro is he black is he a black yes guilty you know what

you call black man running down the street guilty he's on the same she's on the same level as us

all right well i don't know what else we can do here steve you got anything for her does that guy

maybe want to do the customer survey no no you're pretty upset he's upset but i have another

customer coming in yeah no no all right i'm having a problem laughing too much so i keep having to

mute sir that's okay i understand just waiting to hear some gunshots or something ma'am are you

you still there yeah i'm still here ignore what i'm saying yeah ed did you want to see if the new

customer wants to do the survey uh yeah as soon as he comes to the counter all right sweetie thank

you are those men out there loitering those blacks are they out there still yeah they're

waiting on these two guys to run it again yeah they're waiting on two of their friends that are

getting some stuff oh they got no no sale tell them no sale okay carly

don't know you're gonna get her killed oh jesus okay they're leaving all right

good good all right well uh steve what should we do i'm doing a survey customer survey the free

soda oh my god no no they're not no sale tell them no sale they need to leave immediately leave

the premises a survey or nothing or no service no survey no service okay oh my god i'm i'm

sweating we gotta back up we gotta back out of this i can't we gotta what

nope all right well no sale can can we talk to him and just tell him it's not a survey it's it's

just the corporate office needs to have a quick word with him and he just went out the door can

you yell after him maybe or i mean it would just take a second i just wanted to let i wanted to get

him to let you know that you've been pwned but i mean if he's gone i guess we can't do that all

right peggy well thanks for your cooperation we'll follow up with you later tonight all right

all right well be safe be careful all right don't get shot yeah and make sure those guys get out of

there with that that junker car yeah they just left if you have to use physical force with them

that's fine you know let us know we'll send a you know we'll send security down there corporate

security okay all right well i'll be a happy new year happy new year happy new year peggy

bless her heart don't mind she kicked customers out for not doing the service

i'm like afraid for her like i know that's why i was like we get to get out

you imagine going into a 7-eleven and like either you talk on the phone or you're out of here

oh i wish we could have talked to him it's like do what i said man she she does not have a mind

of her own she was awesome though that was funny that guy was awesome too yeah the first guy the

guy with the car i thought i didn't know he's black i thought he's more redneck yeah at least

the n-word you can't you couldn't hear it but i was playing dueling banjos the whole time behind

you he did he sounds like a country black dude you know he was like man about to tell this nigga

who is it's all about himself wow okay there we go you and i are not we need to stop doing shows

together because i don't know we've been we're gonna end up like those australian djs and get

someone we've we've fucked up with norad recently god damn we've done some crazy shit last seven

seven days wow all right man i almost need a break all right oh yeah wait wait wait no wait

we gotta do something here hold on uh we gotta do this it's uh it's new year's eve it's fireworks

time in the mountain times um in kansas city is kansas city i think that's central maybe uh

maybe i don't know uh it's right on the border so you could be right it's like right on the border

maybe oh wait no it's not those poor guys pushing their cars and this song's dedicated to the men

who are pushing their car out of the circle k parking lot currently yes carlito you okay if

we take a quick break just a one song break yeah yeah go for it go for it okay we're back yay i

love that song yeah chat room loves it what are they saying i didn't even look is this hillary

duff fuck this shit why is he playing this shit and i want to know you're recording this that was

was a big question oh yeah yeah the whole thing's being recorded i will put it up i put up the

christmas show but i wasn't sure if you wanted me to really tell anyone about it because it hasn't

been edited at all yeah that's fine i don't care all right when i edited then we'll have you pull

it off take it up um actually the christmas show i think it's on my youtube too i think it's

yeah last i checked it was still up there but yeah i put the mp3 up for you to download

but i haven't told anyone else about it yeah that's cool yeah well my server i finally built

the new server so i'll start editing soon uh i'll pick that up but yeah as i edit shows and i'll

pull them off of youtube so i just wanted my youtube channel at least have something on there

people are complaining at me because you you're so behind on putting shows on the podcast feed

hey man it's not my fault i got hacked no i didn't get hacked but yeah but i got a life guys

yeah yeah see i was always good about that because i don't have a life carlito you do

You do things.

I got a job.

I got a wife.

Madhouse chat.

Like, during that call, Mr. Clay was, he was saying these, or what did he say?

I've got bronchitis.

I'm coughing and laughing over here.

That was awesome.

I really, you got to put that on YouTube really fast.

That, you know what I mean?

I need a quick turnaround on that one.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, that was a good one.

The usual rate, correct?

Yes.

Yes, at the usual rate.

Yes.

Someone's in the chat room

with Sweet16. They say 2013

is the year of the botnet. Indeed.

It's one awesome thing about TinyChat.

You can just see everyone cracking up

over your people's stupidity

on convenience stores.

Polaris, yeah.

See Polaris real quick.

Tabachi hit me up about editing some of those shows.

I might take them up on that offer

so I can catch up quicker.

They're offering to edit the shows that are behind.

I've got one edited

and ready to go. I just didn't get a chance to

to upload it before the old server went down uh but i've got it on an external hard drive i'll

try to push that out uh tomorrow i don't know if you want to put shows up out of order but maybe

if you want i could go through the christmas show because i know where most of the stuff

is on that one and yeah like what do you want to edit it out like just the word yeah the word

sears yeah i think sears i think that's yeah because yeah that one's like five and a half

hours if you guys missed the christmas eve show you missed some really good stuff it was a lot

lot of fun yeah but it's on the it's uh on the madhouse youtube and there's a mp3 version that

brad's got out also so we might maybe tomorrow night i'll go through it and start editing out

all those words yeah that's right if it's out or it's not a big deal because i can always change

posting dates on my website as long as they get out i think that's what people want they just want

something so yeah that's fine we'll do it we'll make it happen it'll be a group effort oh yeah

So we got one girl to go home and another girl to chase off, you know, the coloreds from her store.

Coloreds with the stolen car with temporary tags.

She chased off two people out of her store for no reason at all.

And the way she said it, too, like, she's just completely insulting to them.

Like, you got to leave.

You got to get out of here.

You got to leave.

And it sounds like she's by herself.

I really am kind of worried about her.

What is it called?

Gasmart?

Gasmart, yeah.

I've never heard of that.

Gasmart.

Yeah, it seems like every single Circle K in Kansas City is now Gas Mart.

There you go.

I don't know.

I guess, I don't know if that's a separate company or changing their name.

Circle K, you think that's a pretty good, you know, because of the movies.

Well, with Bill and Ted, you think they keep that Circle K name.

I worked at a Circle K that got bought out by a 7-Eleven back in mid-90s, 95.

They fucked it all up?

No, not really.

they just change the signs and that was it when i the first circle k i worked at um it was just a

year or two after the movies came out and uh you know the company newsletter i'm sure i've said

this on the air i remember saying this so i'm sorry if i'm repeating myself but uh the newsletter

is like uh you know one of the headlines articles were like uh you know strange things are afoot and

started talking about changes coming to circle k they were quoting bill and ted all over the place

they apparently really love that i wonder if they dropped any money for that or if the you

You know what I mean?

For those shows.

Did the second one have Circle K?

Did they say Circle K in the second one?

There wasn't much at the Circle K going on.

I don't remember any Circle K stuff.

There was a hardware store.

I don't know if it was real or not.

Circle K was a big part of the first one.

Yeah.

I know someone else has done this,

but I've always wanted to do this.

Call up every Circle K in the United States

and ask them when the Mongols ruled China.

There you go.

Ask about Socrates.

crates yeah you know my mom for the longest she called it k she thought it was just k because

it was just a k in the circle i used to yell at her like it's circle k not k yeah polaris is

saying like all circle k's are owned by 7-eleven i don't think it's all of them it's i know in texas

it was something like that like they merged like they were partners but then they wanted to brand

everything at 7-eleven oh that makes sense i like 7-eleven has good sandwiches you know the the

The Cuban sandwich, I was hooked on those for a long time.

I don't know if you ever...

Did they have the Cuban sandwich at Circle K when you worked there,

where you had to press it and all that?

No, no, nothing like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I knew you used to piss them off when they get a Cuban sandwich,

because the guy used to have to open the sandwich

and put it in the fucking sandwich press and all that.

I was like, I'm going to give a shit, man.

That's not why I want my sandwich warm.

There was a year or two ago when we...

I forget who it was, but we were called all these Circle Ks,

and we said that Circle K, it was a racist term,

and we were changing the name of the store to Circle O.

We had some foreign guy saying,

we made him stay on the phone.

We're like, next person that comes in,

you need to say, welcome to Circle O.

Thank you for shopping at Circle O.

Stop being a racist.

Oh, man.

That's okay.

It's okay now.

No, it's not Circle K.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Well, I think the rumor back in the day

was that it was a Klan sign.

Whenever you saw the K symbol anywhere,

it was a front for the Klan.

Did you ever hear that?

Remember they used to say Snapple had a – remember the old Snapple bottle had a ship from the tea party on it from the original Boston Tea Party?

And people used to say, oh, that's a slave ship.

They used to say.

Of course it is.

That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, and it had the kosher thing.

It was a K symbol that meant kosher.

And everyone was like, see, that's the Klan.

That's what it stands for.

And these people were also convinced that KFC chicken had something that made black people sick or a dictator or something.

It reminds me of, there was an old Eddie Murphy movie from, I think, maybe the mid-90s, where he's just some crazy Hollywood star, and he's like, I just read this new script you gave me, I ran it through the word processor, and there are exactly this number of K's in it, and that's divisible by three, so this script is racist.

That movie is Bowfinger. That is one of the most unrated movies ever, man. That's Steve Martin, right?

Yeah, I haven't seen it since back then. I really kind of want to see that again.

yeah that's an awesome movie

what was his name remember that was where they're making the fake movie

and they kept following him around and he was crazy

yeah and that was brilliant

and at some point he admitted that he had plutonium

like what was it

they came up to him and they're like

told us about the plutonium

I was like how did you know about the plutonium

I got the plutonium

for religious purposes

I gotta see that now

it was all Scientology wasn't it

yeah it was Mindhead

yeah and it was supposed to be Scientology

yeah

he kept flashing the Laker girls or something

they kept saying like you know about the Laker

girls don't flash the Laker girls anymore

you remember more of this than I do I need to watch

that's an awesome movie

Steve Martin and

that one chick was the one girl

she was a roller girl in Boogie

Nights I forgot her name she's hot

she was in a second Austin Powers

movie she was in that too

Michelle Williams

if I was right I was going to be like why the hell do I remember that

that Michelle Williams no I think she was in one of the she was in something yeah Boogie Nights

that's a good movie too I want to see that now I'm gonna watch that let's just quit the show and

watch movies let's watch Boogie Nights yeah there you go you should put it on tiny chat we'll put

Bowfinger up that's right Boogie Nights and Austin Powers the second one I'm writing down Bowfinger

because I'm not gonna remember that title yeah it's been so long I had that on VHS once but I

never watched it yeah I shared that movie with a lot of people and they were like this movie's

awesome i never heard about it yeah yeah good times man yep yep i could do circle k's all night

if you don't have any other ideas ah i'm coming up blank with numbers so yeah yeah we could do that

if anyone wants to submit things i guess they could send them to me phone losers.org on skype

yeah just make them domestic numbers because we don't have any international

yeah if people really want to do international like depending on how long we go i i could put

put 10 bucks on there i've got paypal money right now there you go paypal money all right cool all

right any circle case in hawaii i wonder i wonder that's pretty early over there yeah i want to call

that lady back from just a while ago and say by the way that was prank call man dude well some

guy on that youtube christmas eve uh video you put up the guy's like it's what did he say some weird

guys in there saying that he wants to make a new thing in 2013 we're all prank calls early

only you know we need to come to agreement that at the end of it what was it like everyone had

can joke about at the end that you he only accepts he only thinks prank call should be done if you

call back a second time and tell him that it was a prank i i usually claim to people that i do that

oh shit um if we're off the air somebody say something like right now i think it's just my

stats are off the air but i think we're on the air so everything's okay uh i'm showing online

on both networks so we should be okay i don't know what's wrong with my sam broadcaster on this new

computer it's it does weird things yeah it's this rail maze theme right now so all right all right

we're probably fine then yeah we're good uh what were we even talking about circle k yeah um yeah

i don't even know what you're talking about where's where's this at that someone said who

uh comment in there what this guy say some idiot was it on youtube or your form yeah no it was on

on youtube this guy was trolling something troll association i guess i don't know troll alliance

yeah he's a weirdo and and i went to see is this guy a prank caller i never heard of him before

and he doesn't have anything on his channel so i don't think i don't know where he's coming from

he might have been the one i had to uh block on youtube i you know i blocked i get trolled

constantly on youtube so i just i block people i don't want to see haters man yeah i know

know harry man all right every day man all right so let's see i'm looking for numbers don't worry

i'm on the side i just got three messages on skype oh yeah uh okay miriam sending a link that

looks uh okay fine i'll i'll click it this might be the this is an article this isn't a oh okay

this is the guy with the car oh i've seen this already it's where you connect two domino's

pizzas together it's just an idea it's not a number it's never worked for me that that trick

I used to do that in the early 90s.

I'd connect Chinese restaurants together and taxi cab companies together.

And get them to say the order back.

It seems fine.

Oh, no, I didn't do that.

I would just connect them together and listen to the confusion.

If one answered before the other, I'd say,

this is the AT&T operator.

I'm connecting your call.

Please hold.

Good idea.

Tabachi wants us to call a timeshare condominium in, I think, maybe Kentucky.

All right, cool.

Let's do it.

Sounds like a plan.

As of this morning, all rooms answered.

Have fun.

Okay, he gave me the wrong number.

Thank you, Tabachi.

Okay, he says, try calling this timeshare condominium.

You can call into any room in building A, B, or C.

All right.

And he says all rooms have answered.

I guess he's tried it.

He's tried it.

Oh, you can bounce around.

FBI, can I help you?

That's what they're going to answer.

Yeah.

Welcome to the Peter Ledge Condominium Resort.

You want it?

if you know your party's attention to search by unit number press one for reservations press two

for bookkeeping what should i hit like two oh three okay he didn't tell me the format they're

in i know stupid tabachi come on tabachi give us the whole picture man god damn it hi you have

reached the cathedral ledge resort we are unable to answer yeah tabachi tell us what to do what's

What's the code? What's the plan?

I don't know what it is, even.

It's a timeshare.

Oh, so it's just people on vacation or something?

Yeah, timeshares.

It's a property, and you lease it for a week out of the year,

and you book it for that week.

Everyone shares ownership of the property, something like that.

It's black out there.

It's a scam.

My wife signed us up for one of those.

Free vacation.

Just listen to our timeshare shit.

They're trying to hard sell us.

This is a horrible deal.

Just get a hotel room.

yeah my dad back in orlando they have tons of timeshares and my dad was like oh we can go to

this timeshare place and watch their movie and they'll give us a free answering machine and they

they hard sold them for like three hours like you gotta buy this and you gotta get this timeshare

and they got turned into a big argument but my dad ended up getting that answering machine nice

yeah we got like a free three nights or something maybe two nights uh stay in branson missouri

oh boy

it's like a place where old people go for entertainment

it's like Las Vegas of the midwest

yeah that and Dollywood

I don't even know is Dollywood even still open

I don't even know what that is I've heard of it

Dolly Parton had a town

yeah

yeah there we go

I'm looking up Craigslist there's a moving sale

here let me see they got a phone number

yes they do LCD TV

and shit in Arizona

I'll post this we'll see if they

Tabachi's saying, listen to the menu carefully.

There's an option to dial

1, 2, 3 for building A, B, C.

You reach the front desk extension in building

B, room 1. Tabachi, we've been drinking.

Come on.

Spell it out for us. Tell us exactly

what to dial. You listen to it, Tabachi,

and tell us. You listen carefully.

We'll try it again. Maybe I can wing it.

That's it.

I don't mean to be a jerk, Tabachi.

I don't know. I've got too much going on here.

I can't concentrate on numbers.

I'm not going to drink any more scotch.

Welcome to Cathedral Ledge Condominium Resort.

If you know your party's extension, you may enter it now.

Okay, I'm going to hit 2.

To search by unit number, press 1.

For reservations, press 2.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, we both hit it.

For Building A, it's 1.

You do it.

For Building B, press 1.

Building A.

For Unit A-1, press 1.

For Unit A-2, press 2.

Okay, all right, all right, that's easy.

Sorry, Tabachi, for doubting you.

What do you want me to do?

Please wait a moment.

I have no idea.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what you want me to do.

Let's just fail with this one and the next one.

Maybe we'll do awesome at one.

Oh, shit.

To leave a message, press 1.

To enter another extension, press star.

Okay, I'm going to hit star.

For unit A1, press 1.

For unit A2, press 2.

I hit 1 before I'm hitting 2.

So A2.

All right.

Do they have like a front desk or something we can be?

Yeah, they didn't answer.

We tried already.

Okay.

This is East Coast.

It's like Massachusetts or something, maybe.

East side till I die.

To leave a message, press 1.

to enter another extension press star oh shit star for unit a1 okay we hit the first three in

building a and he says they're all answering oh all answering i think tabachi used them up they're

like afraid to answer because he already fucked with them maybe tell him to shut off stop doing

fireworks out of their window yeah new year's has been over for a couple hours now message press one

to enter another extension for unit a1 polaris just uh had the exact same idea as me at the

the same time wait a moment you just posted it in the chat room i swear i wasn't stealing that

from you polaris we just think alike hi yes hi uh this is the uh front desk here at the

condominiums we have a noise complaint are you shooting off fireworks for new year's at all

uh well who's making all the firework noise out there out of your front window someone's shooting

off fireworks out of the front window and we've narrowed it down to your unit here in this

building well there's well if you remember when you signed the the agreement there's no smoking

and there's no fireworks

unless you have a permit.

No, this is the front desk.

This is the front desk.

Why don't you come to the front door

and I'll be downstairs waiting for you.

Why don't you come to the front desk?

How about that?

I'm not allowed to leave the front desk.

I'm the only person here.

I think that was

option 4?

Yeah, A4.

So send A5 to A4 now.

Welcome to Cathedral Ledge

Condominium Resort.

So there is a five.

For building B, press two.

Building A again.

For unit A1, press one.

For unit A2, press two.

Okay, I'm going to hit five, and we'll just hope that it's there.

Please wait a moment.

You want to take it again?

You send them over.

Or do something.

I don't know what to do.

Fireworks.

All right, all right.

I should have told them to control their kids.

You need to go out there and check on your kids, because they're...

To leave a message, press one.

Oh.

To enter another...

For unit A1...

I'm going to do four again.

I hope they have an answering machine

since they give away free answering machines

to those places, apparently.

To leave a message, press 1.

Damn it.

It's not going to be an answering machine

so we can yell through it.

For unit A1, press 1.

Okay, 6.

Please wait a moment.

To leave a message, press 1.

Okay.

To enter another...

Turn the phone.

For unit A1, press 1.

For unit A...

Thank you for calling.

Oh, no.

That might be a limit.

That's weird.

Well, I was trying to go backwards.

I wanted to get to building B.

B, yeah.

Yeah.

In the Madhouse chat,

Evil Ideas is talking...

Did you ever call Hooked on Phonics

back in the day?

No.

1-800-ABCDEFG. We used to troll them a lot, too.

Okay, yeah. Actually, I think I've been on conferences

where people have called them

a long, long time ago.

Man, I was in high school. We used to call from the

football games, high school football games.

We used to pay phone at the high school

to prank them all.

Everyone's posting numbers in Madhouse.

polaris is gonna just ban everyone oh yeah one time for polaris he's got a heavy hand jenny

yeah anybody with that number is used to getting pranked usually they have funny men if you call

those numbers the 92 jenny whatever um area code you choose they usually um either play the song

on their answer machine or they're used to it you know they roll with the punches i think that's

jenny craig isn't it oh you're right yeah 192 you're right you're right i'm thinking 916 what

What was it?

5-3-0-9.

4-3-0-9.

5-3-0-9.

8-6-7.

5-3-0-9.

I want to talk to this lady real quick.

This is the car towing circle.

Okay.

Sweet.

Gas Mart.

Thank you for calling Gas Mart.

This is Peg.

You may help you.

Oh, hello.

This is Glenn from the corporate office with Gas Mart.

Yeah.

We just want to warn you.

We've had some reports that some prank callers are calling up some of our locations and

pretending to be the corporate office and making clerks do crazy things.

I just wanted to make sure you knew about that.

and just don't believe anything if anyone calls in for any reason?

It's already happened.

Oh, what? Really?

Yes.

Because we just had another one, another location in Kansas City.

What happened there?

Well, I had these guys out here with the flat tire,

and they wanted to talk to them,

and the guys with the flat tire ended up cussing at them.

Oh, they cussed. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like, and I mean, they wanted to have customers talk to them. And if they

wouldn't talk to them, they told me, oh, no sale. Make them leave.

Oh my.

Yeah.

So, but nothing bad happened out of that? I mean, nobody got shot?

No. Freaked me out a little bit.

Yeah. I can imagine. But that's it? I mean, like they haven't been back or anything? Did

they get rid of their car? Did they take the car out of the parking lot?

Yeah.

How'd they get it out if it had a flat tire?

Well, they bought some fix-a-flat, and last I knew, they were over the air pumps.

Oh, I see. Okay.

In that situation, what should I tell customers with flat tires?

Should I let them leave it, or?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.

They're never allowed to leave their car.

They have to have it gone within 30 minutes.

Yeah, because they said, because at first, because normally what we did,

see, I don't know the company policies on that, but now I do.

My boss just told me they have 24 hours to get it out of here.

24, that's crazy talk.

Yeah.

Maybe that really was the Circle K office, because it sounds like they were quoting our policy.

And, yeah, they said they were going to write me up if they weren't out of here.

Oh, we would never do that, no.

I don't know.

Are there any customers in there right now?

No, I'm closed now.

Oh, you're closed for the night?

Yeah, we closed at 1.30.

Oh, okay.

Okay, well, I'll let you get back to doing your, you know, closing out and everything.

Okay.

But I hope you have a good New Year's.

Oh, thank you.

You too.

Sure, no problem.

And I'm the prank caller, by the way.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

I was thinking about telling the guy

that he had to buy a fix-a-flat

so that worked out.

We just hurried everything along,

basically.

Got him out of there. Got him back on the road.

They'd probably still

be sitting there fucking around otherwise.

You did everyone a favor,

basically.

We got them moving.

We motivated them. Get the fix-a-flat.

Go to the pumps. Get moving.

She seems cool.

I like her. We saved that number.

her um we can call her probably because she does anything yeah in the future that'd be funny if we

said you gotta i was it would have been funny you would have tried to have done another uh survey

yeah i wanted to that's why i asked if anyone was there oh by the way if we call a third time

like you know right now let's see hey this is the corporate office for real this time we need to

warn you about this problem well let me i'll do it my voice i call her again and i'll start i got i

I got, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have an idea.

I won't screw her up.

Oh, fuck it.

I don't care.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Dialing.

Gas Mart, this is Peggy.

May I help you?

Yes, hi.

This is Valente.

I'm with the corporate office.

We just wanted to give you a heads up.

There's some callers making harassing calls to different gas marts in the area.

If you do get that, please don't give any customer information.

Don't put any customers on the phone.

um and have you had any incidents because i just took a call from an african-american man and he's

he said he was starting to drive his vehicle through the store and do donuts inside the store

like did you ever see that um that movie um oh what's the movie blues brothers where they drove

through the mall now he was saying he was going to do blues brothers all up in that ass he said

you have any idea why that would have happened i don't follow yeah the guy had a flat tire

and i got that call you got the call yeah all right well he said he's going to drive his car

through the front window and he's going to like do donuts like in the car is going to spin it out

inside the car the car inside the inside the store and then drive it out back out um is he there

still like do you think he might do that no i don't think he's here anymore oh that's good

thank god thank god and jesus yeah uh peggy um but you're close we have down at this location

closes closes at 1 30 is that correct all right good good well just be on the lookout if if you

see any cars like in front of the front door revving their engines don't let them don't

lock the door and tell them they can't come in in the car they have to keep the car outside of

the store okay and you're also going to be reprimanded for laughing at racist jokes but

that's going to come later on okay okay and peggy do you like sex or do you like sex that was the

a big 90s uh uh come on to women in the chat rooms do you like sex asl yes every woman just

loves it when you say shit like that to them do you like sex man yeah i miss yahoo chat back when

yahoo chat was cool you know oh yeah yeah yeah it felt like the future back there like holy shit

we're video chatting yeah even before that for a while was his voice chat for a while remember when

when you can use the microphones that was a big thing i don't think i was no yeah yeah yeah i don't

know i just remember when i had cameras cameras yeah yeah that was fun polk ja the girl's name i

can't pronounce um she she says you should have told her she would be reprimanded for laughing

at the racial joke that's what i said yeah i was that was for polka is that a that's a chick

what's up what's up girl uh will you like sex polka

joe will william p's like i don't know if you're reading madhouse jabs like we should get a circle

k employee to um segregate the store you know we can do that you know we could convince someone to

do that they have them put a sign up in the bathroom that says whites only most of them

don't have bathrooms but i don't know like maybe colored tape on the ground

white's only register all right coloreds yeah coloreds there's a coloreds register and a

white's register yeah i was gonna say water fountains but those don't exist anymore either

that's just gross he's like god i can't believe he used to drink out of water fountains how gross

is that right i still do sometimes ew really gross man yeah yeah now it's all bottled water

man that's a big thing yep yeah all right in the day bottled water meant you

were a homosexual yeah or French you got any more numbers should I just continue

in the circle case oh wait you've got a 55 inch LCD yeah some guy wants to sell

us TV so he can get out of the toilet bowl which is Tucson Arizona okay that's

what he said I format I finally got the formatting

right oh that's nice of you oh yeah that's not Tucson though that's that's a

the tennessee area he could maybe he's in tucson i don't know maybe he's going back to yeah there

you go to get out of the tucson oh yeah he wants to get out of tucson go back to tennessee i have

to get out of the toilet bowl tucson toilet bowl it's kind of rude it's all yours right yeah yeah

i'll just run the dot matrix yeah hey you said you got a tv for sale so you can get out of tucson

yeah i got tv yeah tv for sale yeah uh when are you are you are you headed to tennessee that's

That's where I live.

I'm headed there myself.

No, I live in Tucson.

Oh, okay.

But where are you going to?

Tennessee?

I'm not sure where I'm going to, but right now, no.

I've got job offers in West Virginia and California.

Oh, that explains it.

West Virginia.

Yeah, so you've got an LCD TV and furniture refrigerator.

Yeah, I've got a bunch of stuff, yeah.

How much furniture does it hold?

You lost me there.

I didn't hear you.

it says you have a furniture refrigerator for sale furniture and a refrigerator yeah no that's

not what it says you didn't put and or a comma you just put lcd tv furniture refrigerator okay

then okay that's a pretty big refrigerator i think you think i gotta put like a couch

and the tv inside the refrigerator or keep it cold it's like a big reefer truck he's gonna

seriously though he didn't put any um yeah that should be a thing calling up craigslist people

and just bitching

about their grammar

and punctuation

I'm an English teacher

and I need to let you know

just reel it

I give you a

fucking D-minus

on this

call them back

see if you can answer

just click it

I wish they

yeah I got it

you can just click it

I wish they'd just

stay in the window

an extra

you know

minute or something

yeah I think

they'll only give you

like 15 seconds

as soon as he said

West Virginia

I put Dooling Banjo

your call has been

forwarded to an

automatic voice

message system

one

oh let me try once more someone just came in the chat room again in sweet 16

do what now that was a fun christmas eve show man oh yeah i'll try and get that edited tomorrow

there was so much so many lines uh do what now pussy lips a lot of the sears stuff is on my

youtube your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message there's two sears calls

the second one i put up sears videos is all me and you and whatever else happened that night

yeah yeah so the first one was ones you did on your own i think right yeah yeah okay i was just

trying them out cool cool fun stuff do what now i think i still have the list somewhere i should

call them all back and apologize yeah because i know we had some like

didn't we didn't new new photoshop stuff we were saying

the photoshop reindeers with erections and

yeah yeah you said they had they photoshopped boobs on them and we were all laughing at them

and accidentally saved that as the original file yeah because we're all jerked off because it

looked like it was her like it was really her i didn't write down which person was which you know

like all right uh i'm gonna look for some more numbers hang on let me see just saying we should

to do more pussy lip prank calls i i thought about that i didn't remember how that came up

was that did i bring that up it sounds like something i would say that sounds like something

you would say and then i said it after you started saying it but i know matt matt really

liked that you're saying their kids were showing their pussy lips on the pictures

we just now noticed it that is horrible oh yeah and i i said i'm like it would be okay

if they had attractive genitalia but these are gross

there was a nip slip one too i think uh circle k here i'll try and get a customer on the line

yeah it's after midnight though so i oh wait yeah we should we should get out of kansas city

because they said they're having ice yeah as i was in arizona for that one i think arizona's

central i mean uh pacific no i don't think so uh arizona is mountain mountain yeah that's one

One boring time is on a mountain.

Okay, here.

Yeah, let me get...

So here's a question, Brad, real quick.

You're on the West Coast,

so when Saturday Night Live comes on,

is it on at 9 p.m. for you and shit?

I'm pretty sure...

Oh, wait.

No, it's live.

I'm pretty sure it comes on at 10.30.

10.30 to 12,

because I remember I tried to watch it a few years ago.

Yeah.

Me and my kids...

It's back when we still had cable.

Me and my kids were up late,

and I'm like,

hey, have you guys ever seen Saturday Night Live?

And they were like, no.

I'm like, oh, it's hilarious.

Let's try and watch it.

and it was so boring

all political stuff

I forgot that you have to watch

just a ton of boring shit

to get to the good stuff

I had stopped watching it for a long time

until I got a DVR and I was like

well I can fast forward through the shitty bits

and stuff

yeah just watch it on Hulu

watch the good stuff

yeah that's what I do now

Sunday morning watch it on Hulu

I want to stay out of Oregon

on the Circle K

yeah let's go to washington seattle i'm sure i've done washington now and idaho is wait no

udaho okay yeah part of idaho is um here let me go up to the part of idaho that's

our time zone i mean my time zone yeah oh but they apparently don't have circle caves

fuckers uh i got seven they got seven loves they got i think those are called holiday stores

oh that sucks yep yep here's a couple so uh the name of the store is called holiday so you're

the holiday corporate office i guess all right are you doing you're opening it oh yeah i'm no

good at that i gotta learn i was thinking i should make a soundboard of me getting customers

on the line and just put it up and tell people to use that yeah dirty aaron was doing amazing

with dominoes the other night doing his own yeah his own his own invention i think i don't know if

he came up with it or he was getting customers i was probably doing it on the air so yeah actually

Actually, I was going to call one, and I think I gave someone else the idea, and they did that.

They called and warned them that he was about to call.

It wasn't me.

You're calling Holiday and Hayden. This is Jamie.

Hi, this is Carl from the corporate office with Holiday.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer there that I could speak with just for a quick survey?

There's one over getting hot dogs, I think.

Okay, that would work.

Actually, they get a free hot dog and drink if they'd like just to do the survey.

Okay, cool.

Okay, great, thanks.

I want to do a quick survey.

We've given people free beers and cigarettes and stuff this way.

So if you want to move it up to that.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll graduate up.

Okay, sir?

Yeah.

She has her kids running around like that, and she kind of refused.

She's the only customer in here.

If one of the kids want to do the survey, like how old are they?

Oh, they're really little.

Like five.

Oh, five.

Yeah, they can speak.

Yeah, we could talk to one of the kids.

Okay, all right.

Let's see if I can get one of them.

One of the kids do it?

What's the guy's name?

Was it Jamie?

I'm not sure. Chat room, what was the name?

Okay, here she is.

What was your name, sir?

Yes.

Yes, hi. Is this a customer?

Yes, it is.

Oh, hi, yes. I understand you had some children there?

Yeah, my grandchildren, uh-huh.

Oh, that's good. Are you a member of our customer loyalty rewards program?

No, I'm not.

Oh, would you like? You should do that.

Why haven't you become a loyal? You can get free hot dogs and free drinks.

I don't think I want to do that tonight. I don't have time to mess with that tonight.

Oh, that's fine, but if you can answer two quick questions for our survey,

you can actually get a free hot dog, three of them.

And if you have, you said you have two,

were they going to have hot dogs, the kids, or is this just for you?

For my kids, yeah, the grandkids.

Okay, well, I can get you two free hot dogs and two free drinks,

two free 20-ounce sodas if you're interested.

I just have two questions.

Okay.

All right, so the first one was,

do you have, are you a member of the loyalty program?

And you said no.

All right, good.

And the second one is,

Liz, would you be open if the holiday stores started selling pornographic

and adult magazines in front of the counter?

We were thinking about starting that.

Would you think that would be allowable?

Would that be okay?

Very offensive.

No, that would be enough to make me not come here anymore.

Really?

Just because of that?

Now, even if we covered the front of the magazine?

No, I wouldn't want that anywhere near my grandchildren.

Absolutely not.

I understand.

We've heard that from a few customers also.

Also, are you a registered Republican or Democrat?

I don't see where that would have any influence on a survey.

I don't think you need to know that.

Because if you're conservative, then we would understand why you would have a problem with that.

Would you consider yourself conservative?

I'm sorry, I'm not going to answer that question.

I've got to go here.

Wait, wait, wait.

Free hot dogs.

Ask her if she wants the free hot dogs.

um ma'am did you want free hot dogs she said that's fine okay but i have one last can you

just tell her i just have one last question and then she can have the free hot dogs hold on

what's the deal what's going on here's my corporate office

Sir, I'm guessing for the customer service.

Okay.

And I don't know what you're asking.

If you just want to ask you one more question, you can't be free hot dogs.

I don't know what's going on.

He wanted to know what that was.

Oh.

He said I have to do a check-in to a convenience store.

I don't know.

Please don't leave on Thursday.

Okay.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

She says she'd rather pay for a hot dog.

All right.

Well, tell her no sale, and please, she doesn't have to be rude like that with you.

We don't need poor, sir, bad customers in there.

Okay.

Can you please tell her right now, no sale?

Like, ask her to leave.

Ask her to leave?

Yes, please.

Yeah, hold on.

Oh, shit.

There, I did it.

All right, so tell them no survey, no sale.

Okay.

All right, thank you.

No problem.

All right, bye-bye.

Bye.

She had a husband there, too.

You heard, what's going on?

I didn't hear him.

I could just barely make out at the end.

I just heard a guy like, what's going on?

And she's over there.

Let me ask me about the propaganda.

Because I was going to ask the pussy.

so that I was going to tell her the magazine was called

Black Pussy Lips.

But we can do that in the next one if I get another one.

Yeah, you should ask about her pussy lips.

That's like, in that town,

that's, you know, I used to

visit that town a lot, and that's the major

convenience store in the area that's like the biggest, nicest

one, and she's going to,

where is she going to go now? She's so offended.

Is that even offensive

to ask if you're Republican or Democrat?

Like, I don't understand where the

offensiveness is. The big deal.

When did that become like the thing, like, that's

my business i don't get that at all i was really surprised that she had a problem with that like

it kind of makes sense like you want to know what kind of customers you have in there demographics

man totally i really don't get that why she was i don't either you don't even vote brad so yeah i

don't understand politics but that doesn't make sense exactly all right all right well this is

is fun you're making me laugh a lot tonight ruining all these customer experiences on new

year's what time is it over there she has kids five-year-olds running around the fucking yeah

what the hell it's it's uh it's it's eight minutes till midnight right now where she is

yeah right it's almost new year's god what a horrible grandmother in in about five minutes

i'm gonna open my window and maybe we'll start hearing fireworks gunshots yeah that's the best

people just shoot guns straight into the air oh yeah yeah i was telling um oh man i'm

don't know who i was telling like earlier tonight i was telling how um i had neighbors when i lived

in texas they were they were running out on their front porch and shooting guns up into the air we

were like on the porch with the two-year-old no they were just like running back in the house and

getting another gun just trying them all out it's horrible they were super excited about new year's

yeah that's so fucking wrong yeah because even in florida i know they they have a whole last year at

least they had this whole thing where they were like on the radio saying don't do it you know

It's not worth ruining someone's life.

Because I know there was one year,

there was some lady was out on the lakefront watching fireworks

and a bullet came right from five miles away.

The bullet came down.

Do you know how fast those come down when you shoot a gun up in the air?

Speed of gravity, that's it.

Whatever terminal velocity is.

I think I heard on that show that you were talking about,

someone was arguing that it doesn't do anything, that it's bullshit.

But it's not.

I know for a fact there was a big story in Orlando that year.

they were saying you know it was a it was an illegal immigrant she was in the hospital and

she'd have insurance and all these people were like we'll pay for her you know her medical bills

and stuff they felt bad yeah so i guess it's worse if is if you throw like a penny off of

the empire state building or something yeah well i don't know i don't know how it works i imagine

it's pretty bad imagine a bullet coming down from the sky is pretty bad man oh shit two people are

saying uh 9.8 miles per second and then someone else's oh yeah 9.8 miles per second yeah because

because nothing can go faster in the speed unless well yeah that makes sense wow that's really fast

isn't it unless you're shooting it down from the sky that doesn't what would someone be in a

helicopter just shooting down yeah and here's another thing you what why does it why is it so

bad for people to have laser lights and shining them and police helicopters that happens a lot too

people got arrested for that someone got arrested for that recently in florida i saw a video of that

happening like uh of you know from the point of view of the police helicopter and i mean they

they were like you know really really far away they zoomed right in on them they they got like

uh infrared of them they they tracked them and they sent the cops right to them wow they watched

the cop pull up and arrest the guy is it that big of a deal though like what is it that's like i'm

not gonna was a blind it's just gonna blind the pilot for a little bit it's not like you can

really focus unless you got like a well yeah i don't know it's definitely not a good thing but

i don't know if it's worth i don't know what happens to the people that get arrested for that

do they do jail time i guess i don't know was that a misdemeanor i don't know it's probably

It's probably bad if you're fucking trying to do something at a cop.

That probably breaks some FAA regulations, too.

A few years ago, the airport made some guy take down all his Christmas lights

because they were too bright for the pilots.

Oh, God.

Bah humbug.

I just heard my front door just slammed.

I think my kids are running outside to run around the block with fireworks.

Shoot guns in the air.

They're grabbing their guns.

We got daddy's guns.

i found his clock let's shoot it yeah uh can we take a quick break i'm gonna go see how they're

doing and stuff yeah i'm gonna go pee sounds good i'll be right back too all right uh we'll

be back everyone maybe maybe one two maybe three songs definitely not more than three

some hillary duff songs coming at you yeah yeah let's play sweet 16 since somebody in the chat

room likes that so much banging song so uh yeah three songs tops we'll see you guys in a minute

back on the air emotionally abusive billy joel yeah i said i was going to open my window for

fireworks but instead we went off the air and i ran outside and yell shut the fuck up you bastards

and i could hear the um people in the apartment um near us like i could hear them through the

floor or the wall or whatever and it sounds like they have a billion kids in there and they're

all counting down to the you know to the new year but but what the hell i mean go outside and look

Look at the fireworks.

If you've got little kids, take them outside and see the fireworks.

Sit there in that stupid box.

Countdown numbers like a fucking shuttle launch.

Yeah, it sounds like they're having fun and everything,

but it'd be cool to go out and see the flashing lights.

Totally.

So what have you built lately on your Simpsons?

I haven't looked.

I'm going to try to harvest your stuff.

I just got the bowling alley done.

I just got the White House done.

The White House, yeah.

I need enough of these Santa coins

before it's over so I can build a bowling alley.

How do you get donuts?

I don't know.

I don't understand.

You can get one or two for leveling up.

It seems like it takes a long time.

You've got to pay for them, basically.

I feel like an idiot.

I paid $20 for donuts.

Virtual donuts.

I paid $20 for virtual donuts.

I'm retarded.

I feel like an idiot for that.

It was cool to get some things.

I paid $9.99.

and I haven't used them.

I've got 102 donuts right now.

Yeah.

I haven't used them.

Never going to do it again.

So, can you get donuts if you build Lard Lad Donuts?

Will it make donuts?

I haven't built it yet.

Oh, maybe that's it, because I haven't gotten that far.

No, you have a Lard Lad.

You've got one already.

Oh, yeah, I just got it, and I haven't gotten...

No, I got it, like, yesterday,

and I haven't received a bunch of donuts from it, so...

Well, that's bullshit.

I don't know.

There's a Facebook page for the Simpsons game,

maybe, if we go on there and look on the forums.

Yeah, we need some cheats.

I don't know if I told you this, but if you go to the Facebook for this game, and you look at any comments, you know, they make posts, you look at the comments on any post, it's just people begging for you to add them on their Simpsons game, because they want more friends.

Right, that's cool.

I've done that to, I've gotten maybe 10 or 15 friends that way, I didn't feel like adding any more.

Yeah, I gotta do that, because you're the only friend I've gotten, and I think the game gives you like a fake friend to start out with?

Yeah, the original alternate universe Simpsons.

yeah oh is that what it's supposed to be you didn't get added by phone losers because no

no just just rbcp samantha from canada she's phone losers and oh she added me yeah i had that

same problem i had with you where we both added each other and and it it messed up so we had to

cancel each other and re-add each other yeah i'll check that out i'll reach out to her yep it's a

cool game i like it i i don't know why because i usually hate that kind of game i i it's kind

kind of like farmville and i fucking hated farmville i thought it was stupid i've never

played any game like this before but i saw i think it was i saw leo laporte playing it

and i was like oh shit sims it looked fun yep i tried it i played a zombies game where you had

to grow zombies and different zombie things but i got bored with that after a couple days it's just

not it's stupid yeah because these kind of games is like it's not like you just play a game you

You actually have to schedule your life around and stuff.

I refuse to do that.

I woke up at four in the morning last night just by accident, whatever.

I woke up before the morning like, oh, man, I've got some things that are getting ready to happen.

I'm going to get on my game.

Yeah.

I felt like an idiot doing it, but I did it, and then I went back to sleep.

There you go.

That's cool.

All right, 7-Elevens in Spokane.

Spokane?

Spokane.

Samantha, she seriously thought it was pronounced Spokane.

Spokane, is she really?

Yeah, she was really surprised when I called it Spokane.

The party you are trying to reach has declined to receive this call.

Please try your call...

That's weird, because that's a 7-Eleven on Google Maps.

Oh, dear.

Do you ever use Google Maps to look up your numbers?

Sometimes, yeah.

That's how I found Charlie in Honolulu.

It was a Google Maps thing.

Yeah, that's like the easiest way to do things.

You just move Google Maps.

You know, just move it over a few miles and start doing another city.

Zoom in and find

Pick a town

I figured that out recently

I think after I quit the phone show

Well remember there was a time on Google Maps

You could automatically have it call you

And stuff

They got rid of that

Hi this is

I can barely hear you

This is Paul from the corporate office

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with

Actually we're empty right now

Oh there's nobody out in the parking lot

Well it sounds like your phone's

Just all messed up anyway

I can barely hear you

Or maybe you're just

Really soft spoken

The only phone we got.

Like, if Laugh Track Matt was on it,

he'd tell you to put some fucking bass in your voice.

grow some balls maybe oh wow he didn't let me get any of that out did he you put some base in your

mouth and what's the burning bush doing this game oh i don't know i just it just sits there yeah

i mean you know what burning bush is well from the bible i don't know the simpsons version of it no

yeah it must be from an episode or something but yeah i haven't really watched the simpsons

regularly for a few years so i watched the one from uh two weeks ago it had the

the two people from Portlandia in it,

and it was a really good episode.

It was?

Yeah.

Have you ever watched Portlandia?

No.

I've heard of it, but I haven't watched it.

Anyone listening, they pretty much turned the Simpsons,

they turned Springfield into a Portland-type city,

and everybody was hipsters and everything.

It was really, I don't know, it was kind of clever, I guess.

Yeah.

I used to have every single episode on VHS.

VHS.

7-Eleven, I'm fine.

This is Devin.

Hi, this is Greg from the corporate office.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I can speak with?

Let me see if one of them wants to talk to you real quick.

Okay, yeah, they get a free hot dog or soft drink.

I'm calling to do a customer survey.

Just one second, here she is.

Okay.

Hello?

Yes, hi, Charlie?

Hey, yes, hi.

This is the corporate office.

We're doing a customer survey.

How are you tonight?

Okay.

That's good.

Are you a member of our...

Well, if you have time to do the survey, we have three questions.

and if you have time to complete the survey we can give you a free item do you were you planning

on getting hot dogs or what were you buying today milk milk i think we could swing that

is it what kind of milk you got uh number two percent hold on before you charge this for that

yeah so you're saying if i answer three questions okay let's do this then all right the first are

you oh the first question is you well are you a member of a rewards program and i think you said

you're not my knowledge no okay well when you're checking out ask them to give you one of the

the rewards cards, 7-Eleven, Douchebag?

The douche card, tell them.

They don't do that here.

Okay, well, we'll get you one.

We can get you one.

All right, the second question is, would you be offended?

We're thinking about starting to roll out some of our own adult magazines

and novelties inside the stores.

Would you be opposed if we were selling adult magazines

in front of the counter again like we used to?

No, we could do that now.

You don't have gas pumps, so you don't have to store down.

There you go, yeah.

Yeah, so we're going to sell adult magazines, lubricants, and dildos and stuff like that.

That wouldn't offend you at all?

Sure, not at all.

Okay, are you a registered Republican, Democrat, or neither?

What do you mean no?

No, I'm registered, but not for a particular party.

You're independent?

Yes, sir.

And who did you vote for in the last election?

Probably the last time I voted was Ross Perot.

Ross Perot, about 92 or 96?

Oh, probably. It's been a while.

It's been a while for you?

I would say yes.

Okay, that's good, that's good.

Oh, where was I going to go with this?

Oh, man, I'll forget.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah, I take that back.

Oh, Hillary Clinton there.

I did vote, what was it, a few years back.

It's been a little more recent than that.

You voted for Hillary for president in the primaries then?

Oh, absolutely.

Because she didn't run in the general election.

All right.

That's good.

All right.

No, she didn't, but, you know, they sent me some ballots in the mail when I lived in Arizona.

Yeah, illegal ballots?

Yeah, it was by mail at the house there.

So we didn't even have to go to the polls.

It was all early.

Oh, those are probably illegal ballots.

Oh, man, well, I doubt that, but...

Oh, all right, well, that's...

They had prepaid postage, so...

They had prepaid postage on and everything?

Sure.

Great, okay, all right, so, well, thanks for answering the questions,

and so you got your gallon of milk.

Now, what you're going to get is you get two minutes to go around the store

and grab everything, as much as you can, in your hands.

And anything that you...

You're funny, aren't you?

Hmm?

You're funny now.

No, no, no, no, you actually win the spree.

actually as a matter of fact you're the thousands customer for the month and it's the end of the

year uh so you you can go around the story we're gonna we have a countdown uh this is cross valente

with the corporate office yes i'm not gonna get fired if you know no no no well i mean we're the

corporate of course you know we're the corporate office yeah so you have two minutes well i got

this doesn't include any alcohol or tobacco but you can grab anything you get in your hands in

In the next two minutes, we'll tell you when to start, and we'll tell him when to stop,

and anything you grab is free.

Are you ready to go?

Should I hand him the phone so he knows this?

Because, you know, I don't feel like going to jail this evening, that's for sure.

Well, no, nothing's going to—I'm going to tell you time, and then you go and grab everything you want,

and then he will tell you on the phone when time is up.

Okay.

You ready?

Hold on, here he is.

Yeah, tell him that—could you tell him to go?

Time. Tell him it's time.

Can you tell him it's time? Tell him to go. It starts.

Starts. Tell them start. Yes, right now.

Start what? The spree. Tell them

start. Start. Tell them start. What are you talking about?

Tell them go. Start. Go

what? Start what? Go start

grabbing stuff. That's what.

That's right.

You just happened to get one

that was just, wouldn't

fall for it. Oh man, my game

crashed. Fuck. Yeah, have

you noticed that? Like, Simpsons crashes

like, it's the only program I've ever had

for the iPhone that crashes. So much.

Like, nothing ever crashes on my

my iPhone. And I had the iPhone

3 until just yesterday. I upgraded to the iPhone

4, and I figured that

I bought an iPhone 4 so I could play Simpsons

more efficiently. No, you didn't. Really?

No, I needed a new iPhone.

But yeah, it still does that.

Every once in a while, when you do certain things,

it just shuts down. Well, I had heard

this game came out in October, and they took it off

because it was crashing so much, and they made changes,

and apparently they're... Wow. It's completely

frozen. Well, I'm glad it's not just

me. It's you, too. Yeah,

you're good. Well, this is not good.

the last time this happened none of the buildings i made saved i need to keep this quiet though i

can't let android users know that my iphone crashes or i'll never hear the end of it yeah

exactly yeah because they're linux linux is android so linux and android people they they

just very religious about their devices yeah well i use both let's see you know i get that ipad

ios for tablet only and android for phone only that's it that that reminds me i want to get

Oh, no, I just left maps to do this.

Man, I suck.

Okay, on Linux is garbage, on Facebook,

I want to give you a quote by Solotun from the chat room.

He's like, this is what he said in one of the comment threads.

He's like, eventually Linux will be the only operating system,

so you all may as well get used to it.

Evolution will take out Microsoft and crapple.

Crapple.

Right.

So everyone be waiting for that.

That's going to come.

Linux is going to completely wipe Apple and Microsoft off the map.

We're not going to have a choice in operating systems anymore.

It's all going to be Linux.

When I first got the email that said you had suggested that page,

I was like, Linux is garbage?

What?

Who would do such a thing?

And I really laughed at the Netflix stuff.

I didn't even know you couldn't watch Netflix on Linux.

Yeah, I didn't know that either.

I thought it worked in any browser.

You would think it would.

It's just Flash running there, or HTML5, I guess.

Stupid.

Honestly, I don't hate Linux.

but i wouldn't i mean why is it home for normal things the only use i could find i mean it's cool

but i wouldn't make it my daily use unless i mean i've put it on laptops that really don't run

anything good except for linux you know after a laptop gets old oh yeah you know that that's good

so you can get some use out of it yeah i have friends that are just like like just diehard linux

freaks that they very much into linux and ashamed to use windows but they still have to boot into

windows to play games and do certain things yeah that's just that's the way it is they're like

hardcore linux people yeah yeah that's everyone who's face who uses face do you ever use facetime

i don't know anybody on facetime oh no no a friend of mine was staying in my house a while back she

was using facetime to talk to her boyfriend every single night and can't you just use skype isn't

it the same thing well it's kind of convenient to be holding your oh i mean i guess skype does

the video thing too same thing yeah yeah i don't know i don't know they just used it because it

was there i guess that's the only person i've ever seen use it ever gotcha i don't even know

if i'm you know it's configured to use it i've never had a friend to try it with yeah here and

i didn't know that they've re-released they're re-releasing all of the old school final fantasy

games for uh ios and android i had no idea they were doing that yeah i got final fantasy 3 uh

which is a nes game they redid it in 3d and it's up for ios i've been playing that a lot too

In between Simpsons, I play Final Fantasy now.

That's crazy.

That's just so awesome that you can do all this stuff now.

Yep.

Like, my kids, they have their 3DSs and their Nintendo DSs.

And, you know, they can play every single game on the NES, on the Super NES.

I think they have all of the original Atari games on those things.

Really?

Like, emulated or, like, on a store?

Yeah, emulated.

It's, like, one of those Ace cards I set up.

That's cool.

I've been doing that on Android for a while.

My Android phone has my SD cards

full of every single Atari ROM

and NES, SNES.

We've got that on our Wii, too. We can play all of the

original Atari 2600 games.

All of the NES,

except for Duck Hunt, because no light gun.

Yeah.

On Android, I play

Duck Hunt, and instead of the light gun, you can just tap

on the screen. It makes it really super easy, though.

That's cool.

It's like playing Duck Hunt

where you put the gun up against

the tv it's like cheating so it's like you get a perfect score each time oh yeah that makes but

that's how all the games are now if you have to shoot something you hit the screen it is yeah

exactly man people got it easy now yeah it's true polaris helped me out though he sent me a duck hunt

for an nes that someone else sent me like gabby and the cart and he has card yeah he sent me the

original game cartridge mario brothers slash duck hunt and my son has a an nes in his room now with

a bunch of old nes games it's kind of awesome yeah i haven't any i i bought one on uh there's

a hardware store here that they like if you have like if you're moving out or you have a garage

sale they'll come in they'll give you a few bucks and they'll take everything you don't sell

um or they'll go to like houses that are being foreclosed and buy all the stuff out and then

they sell the shit really cheap afterwards and i was walking downtown and i think they had two ps1s

I think I already talked about this recently.

I had two PS1s, an NES and an SNES

for sale, and I offered her $20

and she gave them to me. I'm like, fine, yeah.

Hell yeah. I've got the NES in my

closet. I don't even know if it works, but it's

there. I just need games for

it. It's been kind of cool playing it

again.

Really, since the late 80s

or something. Yep. Those are

classic timeless games, man.

Hell yeah. I had an Atari Jaguar.

My kids have every game system,

like Xbox, Wii,

all the 3DSs and all that crap, they still love playing NES.

They have a great time doing that.

Yeah, that's cool.

Awesome.

Well, what's next?

7-Eleven.

Hopefully I'm not calling...

No, I'm not calling the same one.

Let me try and get a customer again.

All right.

You try the shopping spree one.

Kevin, can I help you?

Hi, this is Daryl from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there we could just talk with and do a quick survey with?

No, not tonight.

Oh, is there nobody coming in right now?

No.

pretty dead yeah you'll just have to call back tomorrow thanks for calling bye well hey hey

i wonder um that was in the same city i wonder if they got warned about us that was pretty fast

that kind of sounds like that could happen word gets around fast that's happened before like with

dominoes are like oh we just got warned by the other dominoes we know what you're up to

call the police on you we're out to get you i can hear you playing your your simpsons thing the

the whole time you were talking to that last guy.

Yeah, I'm going to grab some of these sound effects for a soundboard.

They put out a text alert to all the 7-Eleven employees.

Morning, morning.

Hello.

Hi, how are you doing?

Good.

Oh, that's great.

Great.

Did I reach 7-Eleven?

Because you didn't answer with 7-Eleven.

Yeah, I'm going to 7-Eleven.

Oh, okay, I thought I got the wrong number.

I'm calling from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

Are you following me so far?

Marlboro Reds, which one?

Marlboro Reds, I'm sorry.

What?

Hello, hello?

Are you having a seizure?

Fuck!

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Hello?

Hello, sir.

I'm calling from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

Yeah.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

I just need to talk to a customer so we can do a survey with them.

Howdy.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi.

So what's your answer?

Could I please talk to a customer to do a survey?

My name Harry.

Yeah, you're Harry.

I'm calling from the corporate office with Southland, 7-Eleven, Southland.

Yeah.

I'm calling to do a survey.

do you have a customer there I need to talk to the customer so yeah just ask

the customer if they want to do a survey and put them on the phone please are you

asking them because I don't hear you asking you are you asking a customer to

do the survey and put them on the phone you're working sir hello hi is there a

customer there oh there was like you know 12 minutes ago when I first started

to this conversation you could have put them on is there a customer coming in clean up in all the

aisles is there customer outside coming in yeah there is affirmative no customer here no coming

yes no yeah bhenchod yeah bhenchod listen if you're alone let's get sexy will you have sister there

for sex sister but you asking i'm asking about sister you have a sister there if you're alone

maybe we close the store and put the lights down and have your sister you know sister push the

the button that brings the disco ball down from above the ceiling tiles?

Yeah.

Oh, you speak only, okay?

Do you have a customer there?

Is there a customer?

Hey, what the?

Customer no here.

Really?

Customer is going.

Go chase the customer.

I've been going for like five minutes.

Go get them.

Say hey.

I don't understand why boss call.

I have no understanding, but you ask him.

Bhenchod.

Bhenchod, motherchud, you know that?

You're mother's son, your mother's sister is your mother.

Your mother's son

Your mother's your mother's sister.

Who the hell are you calling?

Rascal

Your mother's your mother's daughter.

I don't want to see your mother.

Shut the fuck up.

Did you just order a terrorist attack on American soil?

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Yeah, fuck your mother, monkey.

They will go to jail.

Son of a donkey.

I'll have your son to work for you.

Whip him and whip him, whip him.

Ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong.

Ping-pong.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Could you write all this down?

Elaborate on that, please.

We need more information.

Okay.

Has that ever happened before?

He understood that part, I guess.

Yeah.

Shit.

I think he just made some sort of a deal.

A deal for, yeah, opium.

Very good opium here.

Polaris is like, he's speaking in tongues.

The Holy Spirit took him over.

I think he just gave that man a religious experience

He should be happy about that

Happy New Year

What the hell was that?

Oh, this one's closed

It says right on Google Maps

Oh wow, I've been to that one

Alright, uh, yeah

I should find another area

I'm all out of them here

You want to wrap it up? It's getting late

I just looked at the clock, it's 3.30, holy shit

It's only 12.30 here

I'm ready to go for another 8 hours or so

So if we're shutting down the show, it's all your fault

Well you can keep going

Nah I think I'm

Like yeah that's a great idea

Third shift

Hey when here's something fucked up

When I worked at all these different convenience stores

If you worked

On a daylight savings day

Third shift

They would actually dock your pay for one hour

If they lost an hour

And they would increase your pay for an hour

If you worked on the night

Where the clock went back or whatever

Yeah so then you'd want to work on the night

you want to work in the fall

you want to work that night

and you end up with a bonus hour for the year

I would get the shift where I lost an hour

often because I was always the new employee

I never lasted that long

which I didn't care because I just stole money out of the register

to make up for it

yeah exactly

you get your money somehow

they'd always tell me

you stay here 6 months and you'll be the one that works

to get an extra hour

get an extra $5 or whatever

ok massa

I should have just told him straight out

here's my counter offer

I don't care, I'll just take money out of the register

but I still

five dollars out of the register, we're even

we should try

maybe just like a couple more

yeah, yeah, sure

let's do like three tops

alright, let's do it

South Seattle, like Kent area

Washington, Tacoma, here we go

we're getting into

to Polkja's area.

I'm giving out her docs

to tell everyone where she lives.

Polkja.

Alright, I'll try and get one on the phone for you.

Do the same old shtick.

Hi, this is Steven from the corporate office

with 7-Eleven.

How are you today?

Oh, pretty good.

I'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there

that we could do the quick survey with?

I've got a few.

Let me say I would like to talk to you.

Yeah, just let them know

they can get a free soft drink

or hot dog or whatever.

Magazine.

Cigarettes.

The gentleman here just said no, that's okay

Oh, okay

Tell him no survey, no sale

No, we could up the offer to a pack of Marlboros

If he wants to do that way

Yeah, we can do that

Yeah, I'll have you come around here

Okay

Hopefully he'll be louder than you, I can barely hear you

He'll be right here

Okay, great, I can't wait

Hello, hello

Yes, hi sir

Hi.

We're going to see if you want to do our customer survey for a free carton of cigarettes.

Oh, a free carton?

Yeah.

What do you smoke, usually?

Marlboros?

Marlboros 100s.

Mental or regulars?

Regulars.

All right, sure.

Yeah, we could do that.

All right.

Are you behind the counter now?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

So the three questions.

Number one, are you a member of our loyalty, customer loyalty rewards program, the card?

No, I don't have a card, though.

okay that's fine well we can get one later and the second question i want to talk to richard

no no no no and that's it now and you can get the free if you can grab the carton okay do you see

it there uh i'll give it to richard and you tell him okay oh you tell him we haven't done the

survey yet you still have to do the survey to get the free cigarettes okay what do i do now

all right so do you if you're not a loyalty member would you be interested if we were

We're selling adult magazines there again like we're used to.

Would you buy any, or would you be offended?

Well, I don't read those.

Would you be offended if we sold them now?

No, I don't want to get them.

Okay.

But would it upset you, or would it be okay?

You just wouldn't ignore them?

You wouldn't ignore them?

Well, that's okay.

I'd rather not.

Okay.

And then the next question is, do what now?

Sir?

Yeah, are you stupid?

Here's Richard.

Oh, wait, no, sir, sir.

It's multiple choice.

Do what now?

How you doing?

Oh, hey, we just need to finish the survey.

It'll just, one more question with him.

One more.

What's the last question?

Oh, no, we have to ask him here so we can write it down.

Just one more for the free cigarettes.

Yes, yes.

Sir, hello, I'm Gary.

Hi, we have a computer here that detects, you know, alcohol levels and voices,

and we've detected that you're drunk, and I hope you're not, are you driving?

No, I'm not even, I don't drink liquor, and I don't drive.

Oh, you smoke marijuana?

I've been drinking coffee.

I just got coffee.

Well, I better let you go.

No.

Oh, do you want a carton of cigarettes, sir?

Well, if it's okay with you.

Yeah, go ahead.

Put Richard on the line.

We'll make it happen.

All right.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Richard.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Richard.

Yeah, go ahead and give him that carton of Marlboro 100s.

Okay.

All right.

And that's it.

There you go.

Yes, sir.

Have a great day.

Yes, sir.

Just save the receipt.

Save the receipt for the Marlboro 100s.

Okay, and what do I write on there, sir?

Just write...

Sorry, go ahead.

I'm sorry, I missed your...

It's going to come out of your paychecks.

Put that down.

Have a good day.

All right, cool.

I don't know.

What were you going to say?

I jumped in there.

I don't know.

I was just going to say write free.

Free.

Survey.

Do you think he did it?

I mean, he sounded like he was going to do it, but...

They both sounded like idiots, so I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, what the hell was that?

I was playing dueling banjos again in the background.

Very appropriate.

Oh, and I accidentally played some of

I Dream of Jeannie in the background

by accident in the beginning.

Stupid me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sorry, don't beat yourself up.

We got two left to call.

Do it.

As you play Simpsons.

I think on the Christmas Eve show, didn't I play Simpsons the entire time?

You said you did.

I don't know if that was true.

For the most part, I played it non-stop.

I haven't played it at all tonight because I'm in control of the

calls, so I can't...

I don't have that level of mind.

Multitasking-ness.

Calling 7-Eleven. How can we help you?

Hi, this is Daniel from the corporate office.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer service.

Hi, can you hear me?

What?

He lies.

That doesn't count.

Nope, it does not.

Wait, let me...

Ah, fuck it.

Yeah, I love the poo noises on that other call.

Yeah.

Alright, listeners, keep your fingers crossed.

This may be the last call.

Maybe I can talk Carlito into one more.

Maybe.

because that one i don't know if that one counted just now i don't think it did hi this is hi this

is kevin from the corporate office with 7-eleven you forgot to say 7-eleven when you picked up um

i'm calling to do the weekly customer survey do you have a customer in there i could speak with

you can tell them to get a free free drink which one i'm sorry what was that why okay did you

understand anything i just said huh okay i'm calling to do the weekly customer survey do you

have a customer there i could speak with for the survey hello is this a customer okay i need to

to put you on the phone with our our survey um uh leader guy and uh i'm gonna put carlito on cross i

mean it's gonna be a survey you get you get free stuff okay uh yes hi this is mr carlito the survey

guy uh we're doing a corporate survey congratulations you've been selected i hope you're having a happy

new year so far uh were you coming in for uh food or drinks or both uh today we're just uh coming in

for some beers and cigarettes beers and cigarettes so what kind what brand do you smoke marlboros or

or camels, or what?

Camel crush.

Camel, okay, excellent.

Would you be interested in a free carton of those?

Sure.

All right, we just need to answer two more questions.

We're thinking about starting to sell adult novelties

and magazines again in the store like we used to.

Would you be offended if we had adult magazines

in front of the counter?

Yes, just for the simple fact that there's a lot of kids

that are coming to this 7-Eleven.

Okay, okay.

On a daily basis, there's a lot of parents that bring their kids in here,

and if they see that, they're going to be like,

Mommy, what's that?

And that would be somewhat offensive.

Well, now we would cover the covers would be covered with plastic,

so you wouldn't be able to see what they are.

It would just be a label that says what it is.

Would that still offend you if you couldn't see the pictures?

Well, if you couldn't see it, then, yeah, then it would be acceptable.

okay now the one magazine that in particular we're looking it's corporately we're starting

it ourselves it's called 7-eleven's big fat black nigger pussy lips would that offend you

no it wouldn't you wouldn't have a problem with big flat black nigger pussy lips nope all right

would you buy this magazine big fat black nigger pussy lips yeah you would okay all right well

yeah there you go um go ahead can you tell the gentleman you like your free carton of cigarettes

Yeah, this is a prank call, huh?

No, no, no, not at all.

No, this is serious.

We actually are releasing our own line of novelty items and magazines and things like that.

All right, hold on.

Don't hang up.

Don't listen to him.

I guess he's going to.

I'm sorry I used the N-word.

I know this is not yours.

Yeah, it offends me pretty badly.

It's like Michael Richards.

The only N-word.

All right.

Last one.

Just one more.

Last one, last one.

Okay.

No more after this.

Unless it's disconnected, then it doesn't count.

all right okay or if he's foreign yeah

that must be nice i have to scroll all over the place on my phone

it's big yeah you're compensating for things i don't have to compensate for my small phone i

remember uh one night for one of my shows i i played the uh plants versus zombies uh theme

song i just played it straight from my phone for the entire you know three hours or whatever

that works yeah it's still ringing it's still ringing i didn't do a new one or anything crazy

like that i can't believe nobody called in like not a single person called in yeah that's a record

like like they didn't even try nobody called in i would have taken calls not even zyklon could

have been a fun new year's conference but whatever you guys if you don't want to talk to us whatever

fine maybe we'll shut off the calling in tombstone wanted to call in and i tried to

to call him before because you were you were running late and i was gonna start the show with

him i was like fuck carlito i didn't even know he was around anymore because i blocked him months

ago because he wouldn't shut up no he's he's uh he started meds or something he sounds better

these days did he get laid finally so he can stop asking me to get him laid that's all i can think

later he's on new meds god i upped his dosage he's like i'm in canada how am i gonna get you

like get me laid i heard rappy mcrappers and he was calling me he's like what do i do about this

This guy, he won't...

He texts me, he calls me, he won't stop.

Oh, man.

I'm happy.

It's still ringing.

I'm pretty sure it's still ringing.

Hold on.

I think it's still ringing.

It's going beep, beep, beep, beep.

No, no.

I think you're hearing things.

Yeah, look at this.

I'm hearing things.

It's ringing.

I know what you're doing.

Look, I'm preoccupied.

Hey, not Brad.

Hey, you said no one called in, so I had to change that.

Thanks for proving me a liar.

Oh, yeah.

You're here.

We've got to go on for another hour now.

Exactly.

Hello?

I'm calling from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer there that I could speak with to do the survey with?

I'm calling to do a customer survey.

Is there a customer in the store?

I need to talk to the customer.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Is this an overseas call center that I reached?

Fuck.

God damn it.

Hey, since not Brad's here, can we just call one more, Carlito?

Just one more.

Oh, I guess.

You and your rules.

Yes.

You didn't read your contract.

I mean, that's clearly stated on Section 4, Line 3.

I don't read contracts.

I just sign.

If you want your $30 for the night, just one more.

Come on, we did like five and a half hours Christmas Eve.

True.

7-Eleven, that's Vanessa.

Hi, this is James from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Okay.

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with to do the quick survey with?

No, I'm just kidding.

joke. Have a great night. You don't buy my joke.

Oh.

Dun dun da dun.

Smart one there in a plantation.

Oh, where's my goddamn sound

effects?

I don't buy your joke. Man, I don't even have sound effects

on here anymore.

I don't buy your joke.

There, that's good enough.

Well, you guys can keep going.

Because I can't, man. If I don't go to sleep now,

I'll lose my day.

I'll let you go as long as we try one more, because

because that one didn't count.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Just the last one.

Like, there's not going to be any more after this.

And I'm going to go, too.

Yeah, actually, I'm tired.

Last one.

No exceptions.

This one has three reviews, and they're all positive.

7-Eleven?

Hi, this is Mark from the corporate office.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Yeah?

Do you have a customer in there I could speak with?

No, no customer right now.

There's none coming in or anything?

No.

Can you go outside and just pull someone inside?

No, nobody. I can't see anybody outside. It's all dead right now.

Yeah, I can see the whole parking lot. Nobody's there.

Who's your name is?

My name is Sister. I'm calling from the corporate office with 7-Eleven.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know, we're showing that the alarm, we're having an issue with the alarm system.

We're going to need to do a reset on that.

Do you know where the circuit breakers are?

The big gray box on the wall?

No.

You know, the power switches to shut off the power, because we have to reset the power

to make the alarm to fix it all.

Oh, he's gone.

I don't know why they said that.

Right now it says you're getting robbed.

Are you getting robbed right now?

No, no, it's not saying that.

Do you know where the back room is?

Yeah, I know the back room.

And there's a big gray box on the wall with switches?

Yeah.

Yeah, the circuit breaker box, the fuse box.

You want me to call the police right now?

No, no, that's ridiculous.

Why would you call the police?

Can you call your mother to come kiss me?

Okay, but I'll have a good one.

Sir, we're going to need your mother to kiss us on the penis.

Oh.

Okay, but I'll try.

Do you want me to call the police?

Yeah, thanks for that.

Yeah, go ahead.

Jerk.

You said last one, last one.

He even insulted us, that counts.

Yep, yep.

I guess that's it.

I'm just going to do that for an hour.

Alright, I'm leaving. See you guys.

Everyone, watch the Madhouse stream for the Christmas Eve show soon.

I'll try and get that edited tomorrow.

I'm going to help you, Carlito.

I'm going to help you get your stream caught up.

We'll figure it out together.

Yep, yep. It'll be amazing.

Bye, Brad, and bye, not Brad.

Bye-bye, Carlito.

Thanks for, yeah, that was great.

That was awesome.

Have fun.

Thanks for having me.

We did fun things.

Calls (18, 1 h 7 min of 2 h 7 min)

Transcript

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