Jurassic Pork – 1/5/13 Show - Madhouse Live Search

Hello, good evening to you all, everybody, all of everybody, all every one of you, all of you, good evening.

This is Madhouse Radio, special Madhouse Radio for Saturday, January the 5th, 2013.

Yeah, I guess this is the first official show of the new year, although I did a Christmas, I did a New Year's Eve show with Brad last week.

But here we are. Thanks everyone for tuning in. I am Carlito, your host.

I've got Jen Stewart here Jen Stewart hello donkey and also milkman is here

the milkman oh yeah I milkman good to hear you man speaking of men yeah

that's fun hey hey it's my audio sufficient or is it

negligent sounds really good yeah sounds really good for a change because you're

on Skype finally got a month's time I just want to give a big thumb up in a

A high five.

A slap on the back.

That man's like,

everybody's done, man.

He hooked me up with some awesome audio gear, man.

And tonight we're testing out.

Yeah.

So I hope it doesn't let you down.

Thank you so much, brother.

Thank you so much.

Sounds good so far.

Very good.

All right.

Well, we're here to do a show.

We're going to break it down.

Nice and slow for you.

Very excited.

I don't know.

We don't have nothing planned.

We just kind of throw stuff at the wall,

see what sticks.

Works for me.

Yay.

I need to shave.

Guys, I'm going to shave.

I'm going to shave tonight.

Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going to shave.

Shave.

I'm going to shave the beard.

No more beard.

There you go.

Hey, Jen, how often do you shave, Jen?

Every day?

Every other day?

How often do you have to shave?

Maybe every three or four days.

That's good.

That's a good racket.

You know, I have fair hair, so I don't have to really worry.

Fair hair.

What's that mean?

You got blonde hair?

Is that what you said?

Yeah, I got blonde hair, so I don't have to worry.

As opposed to someone with ginger hair.

Close to the razor is the rest of the dark heads.

our dark heads yeah exactly i forgot you're an aryan so you don't have to worry about that you

got fair hair blue eyes you got blue eyes too jim yeah i got blue eyes yeah oh wow man you're

part of the master race he's got that viking blood in him man nordic yeah third reich blood

awesome

Hi-oh!

Hi-oh.

Deek, deek, hi-oh!

Baby, I'm going to raise the first high because this show is about to miss the militia.

It is now over.

All right, so requested pranks are coming in.

Lonesome Moose is in the house also.

We'll be getting to those numbers here pretty soon.

We're all excited about that.

We've got an announcement.

Jen, do we want to announce what we were talking about earlier tonight, about a possible Madhouse meetup?

Absolutely, yeah.

Let's talk about it.

We're talking about, yeah, we'll get right to the announcement.

I dropped a hint about it on Facebook.

but uh jen and i are thinking we're hoping this is going to work we're putting in plans

i had floated an idea for a madhouse meetup back a few weeks ago about a month ago got some feedback

possible locations and i put up a poll on a madhouse website and the city that got the most

votes was new york city and i agree it's probably best easy to fly to a lot of flights in and out of

new york city so we're thinking what for june third week of june or second week of june what

So what did you say?

Third week of June.

Third week of June, Jin's going to fly in from the U.K.

I'll take a train machine in, and hopefully if we get enough people interested,

we can get, like, a big madhouse meetup.

We'll hang out together maybe for a weekend, do a show together.

I think it would be fun.

It would be almost like a madhouse convention if we get enough people interested.

This is like we've been trying to do this since you tied the big knot, man,

and jumped the broom, man.

So, like, this would be awesome, man.

I really hope that we can get together.

yeah yeah so milkman you need to make it up too though this time because you were supposed to

come to the wedding and you couldn't make it for various reasons so you got plenty of time we're

talking about june june of this year i know so this is a little bit later in the year so this

may actually be possible i might be able to budget this yeah there you go so everyone listen up what

we're saying is for the third week of june we're going to have a meetup of all the manhouse people

milkman's going to plan to be there jen will be there i'll be there and hopefully as many

So are you really talking New York, or are you talking the center of the country like Chicago?

We're thinking New York, because there's a lot of cheap flights that come in and out of New York.

This is a big hub city.

Yeah, I looked at the prices.

Where would we stay at?

Well, that's the thing.

If we get enough interest in it, we'll think of a hotel so we can all kind of stay together in the whole hotel.

It would be almost like a convention, you know?

Okay.

I don't know.

If we get enough people, maybe we can get a group rate.

A whole group dedicated to the militia and the heads to the board, man, actually.

Yeah, the board.

Yeah, because we can get a whole group rate probably.

It starts on the board.

If we pick a decent hotel and get a group rate and stuff like that, that would be really cool.

I think it would be good.

I hope it works out.

Guys, let me know.

Yeah, man.

I want a 300-pound black hooker, including mine, too, man.

Yeah.

Well, we got Zolar's in that area, too, and Dr. Leggo's in the area,

so maybe they can make appearances and stuff like that.

They could help out.

Zolar could provide party favors.

That might work.

Yeah.

He could accommodate.

Oh, you've got some friends over at Syndicate possibly.

Yeah, that's true.

We've got a lot of New York friends at Syndicate.

That's right.

So, Royale with Fat says two men, one bed in New York City.

That's right.

Two men, one room, one bed in NYC.

It's going to be awesome.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

There you go.

What's going on with you?

You're breaking up a lot, Milkman.

You've got your connections coming in and out, Milkman.

Oh, yeah, I thought it was me.

Fucking, yeah, it was.

Yeah.

Milk, have you got anything else?

Shut everything else off.

What else do you have running in there?

You got any torrents?

You got porno going on?

I got nothing else.

That's it?

Nothing else?

No talk.

It's bad.

Maybe I should just call you on the cell phone.

What do you think?

All right, shut down.

All right, he's working on it.

All right, so Lonesome sending in numbers here.

Let's get to those real quick.

Hopefully things hold up as far as technical wise with the calling out.

All right, Jen, I'm going to copy-paste these in a Skype conference chat.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

I'm bringing you up to speed.

There we go.

Holy shit.

Quite a few of them, yeah.

If any of them jump at you, let me know.

I'm looking at the first one.

Phil Trujillo is offering January cow elk hunts.

So they're hunting for cows and elk, I guess, or cow elk.

What the hell is that?

What's a cow elk?

I know a cow.

I know an elk.

An elk is like a deer, like a moose kind of thing.

I don't know if they've got those in the UK.

It is a member of the deer family.

It's probably like second largest.

Is my audio any better now?

Yes, it is a little bit so far.

Okay.

I won't talk real loud.

I know that may possibly be it.

It could be clipping.

Filtering.

The clipping, yeah, because you're sending too many packets out.

You've got a big, wide mouth.

Big mouth, big voice.

I do have that problem.

I've got to take the microphone out.

You're breaking up again.

mouth you're ruined it you're breaking up again stupid asshole this blows man yeah listen uh if

you had if you weren't stealing your wi-fi from the neighbor that might help out too you know

maybe make a little bit investment in yourself in the future that helps that also hey all right so

uh january cow elk hunts i guess i don't know they own the racks and furs outfitters place in

cleveland and a hunter's large nearby so place where hunters hang out um i don't know it would

be a good warm-up let's give him a call filter yeah you you you warm yourself up man i'm fucking

i'm born ready yeah jenny almost had an accident today on your motorcycle machine i did yeah and

i'm still a bit fucking you know because i nearly died you know that was the closest call i've ever

had i've had close calls in the past but today it was really fucking close that would have been

an instant death too because i was going very fast i was speeding he was speeding and fuck me if i

don't know if that hit boy i'd have been dead that would have just been packed yeah do you wear a

leather jacket in case you fall off so that you don't scrape up yeah yeah i've got i've got a

full set of leathers and because it's winter i usually wear even more padding because it's quite

cold but nevertheless you know when you're going that speed it's you know if you hit something and

and it's coming at the same speed as you.

That's twice the speed, man.

That's dead, no matter what you're wearing.

Yeah, Jen, you know, maybe, I don't know.

I don't know, man.

Maybe something other than assless chaps might save you.

No, I just need to slow the fuck down.

Learn your lesson, Jen. Slow down.

I had a police officer tell me that once. Slow down.

Yeah, is this Phil Trujillo?

Yeah, it is.

I was looking about, you have a janitorial cow elk hunt machine going on?

I do.

Yeah, these cows are some of the most elusive animals in the world.

I was trying to find one.

I wanted a good steed to catch.

Now, can we live capture them?

Can I use a dart and live capture them?

No, these are cow elk.

Yeah, so I'm looking for it.

I want to catch one of them.

I'm going to tranquilize it, and I'm going to put it on a boat and bring it to San Diego.

And I built a theme park here, a large theme park where we want people to be able to come up close

with some of the most dangerous animals in the world, including the cow elk.

You know, I don't see the way the game of fish would let you do that over here in New Mexico.

Oh, wow.

Wow. See, I used to have a theme park off the coast of Costa Rica on an island called Isla Nublar.

I don't know if you ever heard of it.

Right.

Yeah, but things got crazy.

This tropical cyclone came through, and then there was this fat guy who stole all the semen from this frozen container that we had, all the animal sperms.

He put them in this container of shaving gel, and he put them in there, and he got in the Jeep, and he was driving.

and it was raining a lot and you fell out

and then this one dinosaur came out

and it raped him and killed him and ate him and fucked him

and we didn't find him at all.

Yeah, so we're just presuming

that he's not coming back.

Oh yeah, he'll be back. I don't know if he will.

So then we sent the black guy over to the

little...

He'll be back. Well, we sent the black guy

to the power station to turn on

the main... He'll be back in the morning, but...

You think so? In the morning, yeah.

Well, what if the dinosaur killed him

and fucked him and raped him and all that?

then he's pregnant yeah but you think you'll have dinosaur babies yeah probably well it's a boy

dinosaur and a boy man then they have boy human now he's gone boy human name name the movie jim

stewart any idea what movie that was i have fucking what with dinosaurs having sex with people

yeah you know the movie the fuck kind of movie is that no i haven't seen anything like that you

know the guy the fat guy stole the the sperms no and he and he hacked he hacked the fences you

You know, you know.

Free Willy?

I have no idea.

What are you talking about?

Come on.

We'll call his brother Ron.

Ron Trujillo is also a part of this scheme.

All right, let me talk to him, then.

I'll ask him about this movie.

They were for the iGen company.

InGen.

You never heard of InGen?

I don't care who they work for.

International Genetics.

That's the name of the company.

Yeah, man.

All right, then let's talk to these guys.

They're cloning dinosaurs out of amber, out of mosquitoes, and frost.

Yeah.

Shit.

Shit, it's fucking crazy, man.

Costa Rica, waiting on Skype.

Come on, Skype, you can do it, Skype.

Jim, can you hear me?

Milkman, you guys still hear me?

Uh-oh.

Skype froze.

Well, Skype is freezing.

Let me play music.

I think Skype crashed.

Well, that would suck.

Wouldn't have much of a show without a Skype.

I think Dennis Nedry hacked Skype.

Skype not responding.

Beautiful, brilliant.

All right, let me try to load Skype again.

You guys there?

Jim, you there?

It's dialing.

I'm still...

...manager and kill it.

I don't know what happened.

Jen's still reconnecting.

I don't know if it affected...

I don't know, dude.

Am I going to be able to make it or not?

I may have to go to the phone and tell her.

You might die.

You might die tonight.

Is it still chopping?

A little bit, yeah.

Yeah, it is kind of choppy.

You want to go to the cell phone?

Not really.

Yeah, I'm here.

If it sounds bad, go ahead and call.

Yeah, well, we'll keep it.

It's okay now.

Yeah, Jen, my Skype just froze on my laptop.

Yeah, I could still hear you.

You were chatting away there.

Like, oh, the Skype is frozen.

And then I was like, yeah, I can hear you.

and then you couldn't hear me.

And I couldn't hear you.

Oh, Girl Scout cookies.

Which ones you got?

The regular, the mint, mint chocolate?

What do you got?

Oh, the mint thins, man.

Girl Scout cookies, dude.

I'm about to partake, brother.

That's good, man.

You know what?

I like to put one in the milk, in the glass of milk,

and I leave it at the bottom, and I have it at the very end,

and it's all mushy.

Yeah, eat it with a spoon.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah, you definitely.

I'll save some.

I'll put these in the freezer.

I'll put some in the freezer for you and Jim, and then, like, when you guys come out to visit, man, we'll have some Grillscout.

I don't know.

I'm not too keen on this idea.

He's going to freeze something.

Jim, take my word for it, man.

Take my word for it.

You'll enjoy it, man.

What, the Milkman?

Yeah, okay, I'm with you.

Milkman freezes all his cunts.

You can trust me on this one, man.

Here's Ron Trujillo.

Ron Trujillo.

Grillscout cookies.

Yeah, this is mine.

Yeah, it's yours.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, this is Jim Stewart.

How are you?

I'm doing pretty good, and yourself?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I want to wish you a happy new year, first of all.

Thank you.

Yeah?

Okay, same to me.

Excellent.

Now, my friend Carlito, he's El Mano.

Do you know him?

No, I don't.

He talked to your brother recently, and he was telling him about a movie.

I don't know anything about this movie.

I was wondering if you knew about this movie.

It sounds like you're calling the wrong number as well.

No, I haven't even told you yet.

How can you be so sure?

Because I'm not looking at no movies, and I'm not soliciting no movies.

I'm not soliciting any type of movie.

No, I'm asking you. I'm asking you to know about this movie, and I haven't even started explaining the context of the movie yet, and already you're saying I've got the wrong number. How can you be so sure?

Well, go get to it, and I'll let you know.

So it's a movie about a man who has sex with a dinosaur and becomes impregnated by the dinosaur and then gives birth to little baby dinosaur humans.

Don't know anything about it.

How can you be so sure?

That doesn't sound like any kind of movie that I've seen.

But your brother, shut up, your brother told my friend something different.

Okay, so why are you calling me?

Because I thought perhaps you knew about the movie.

I thought you had the starring role.

I just replied to that, and no, I don't.

I'm sure with you and the starring, I want to get your autograph,

because I'm a secret fan, admirer of you in this movie.

You're not going to get a secret fan, and you need to remove this phone number

from any kind of solicitation that you're doing, okay?

Shut up, shut up, what do you mean I'm not going to get it?

No, then I'm going to report your ass, okay?

And then?

Are we clear on that?

No.

I want to get your signature, please, on my dinosaur.

You're not going to get nothing from me.

Hold on a second.

I've got a T-Rex.

Can you sign it across the chest?

Hello?

A T-Rex across the chest.

That rhymes.

I like that.

Right on its breast.

Right on its breast, Jim.

This is actually a leaked script for Jurassic Park 4.

The very glands of the T-Rex.

Hey, real quick, guys.

Guys, I wanted to mention, I just remembered, a good friend of ours' show, AMD, had a loss in his family.

AMD's dad passed away earlier today, I guess yesterday for him, over there in the U.K.

He's here in the U.K.?

Yeah, AMD's in the U.K., right?

Yeah, he is.

He's in Torquay.

He's from Wales, but he's in Torquay.

Actually, he's listening right now, I think.

He's in the chat room.

Yeah. Stopped in the chat. He's listening, man. I didn't say anything about it, but yeah, it's true, man. And, you know, much blessings and our condolences to the AMD and the family, man. Nothing but good wishes and best wishes for you from the Madhouse.

Yeah, prayers and wishes from me and the rest of us, yeah, for sure.

So, man, take it easy and try to enjoy the show.

Get your mind off of it.

I know how it is.

I lost my mom last year, and I found a lot of – yeah, it was all it could take just to try to laugh a little bit in a tough situation.

So there you go.

Cheers.

Smile and laugh with the Madhouse, brother.

There you go.

All right.

Hopefully he's not upset I brought that up.

I was just thinking about him.

You know, when KDK – when his dad died, we had condolences for him.

you know kdk he could help you out amd could call kdk he lost his dad once you know what it was a

request for somebody to uh from one of our uh militia members for somebody to call kdk's

answering machine again uh because he said he's gonna charge me and brad uh carter with hate

crimes for calling his voicemail on christmas eve oh never mind never mind that now we're

gonna do that trying to get us in trouble what's wrong with you man he's i don't know why somebody

Somebody sent me that message, but I typed back to him negative 10-4.

That's a horrible idea because we're, you know, it's hate crimes.

Leaving KDK a message is hate crimes.

We don't want hate crimes, man.

We love KDK.

Sure we do.

We don't hate.

He may have some attitude issues.

We still love him.

Yeah, sure.

Right?

We're praying for him, too.

Here's a request, a prank from Big Ken.

Two professional males wanting to rent out their living room for $600 a month.

do you can suggest do you we mind if if uh we could rub one out on the sofa at all times of

the day interesting okay let me um i'm gonna drop this request a prank here in the skype chat for

you if any you want to jump in on this okay so this is uh two gentlemen no names on this one

just uh two dudes looking uh professional males whatever that means it sounds like they're masseuses

to me uh wanting to run out my sir my sir i guess i will be right right my sir yeah yeah did you

know in france the name guys is is pronounced gee and that's stupid why is that stupid because it's

guys guy gee i am gee i'm gay you got french in youtube probably you probably do don't you

jen you got french what do you like better you like french people better or british people

I don't know

I'm not sure

I can't

I'm biased

I don't know

you hate them equally

well you're German

nah man

Norwegians are superior

yeah I agree

a lot of my customers

are from Norway

my wife's reminding me

I have to open a window

because I'm smoking a cigar

so after this

what is it with you

and these fucking cigars

hello

leave a message

after the beep

okay man

me

cigars are good

they're good man

you don't like cigars

Jen we're gonna have cigars

when we do our New York show

we're gonna have big cigars

yeah right

Right.

My big dick in your mouth.

Big old dog turd.

And I'll bite it off.

You would, monkey.

And you have to send it to High One.

Yeah, can we go and see her when I get there?

Well, she's in the other part of the country.

We'd have to go to San Francisco.

She's in Berkeley, man.

Pashmina, pussy here.

Yeah, definitely, man.

I'll take you there, right?

That's Tom.

Shit, she'll kill us, man.

She might kill you, but she already told me what she wanted to do with me.

So fuck you.

We'll be outside the window waving at her when we're on the phone, right?

Sure.

Give me a second.

I'll be right back.

Entertain the people for, like, 15 seconds while I open a window.

Hey, Jen, what we'll do is we'll set it up, and we'll call them,

and I'll have the taxi waiting out front, revved up and ready.

You guys will call and wave at them, and I'll be out there,

and I'll flip them the bird tune and hop in the taxi and scream out of there, man.

We'll put it out on the air.

This will be famous.

Scape her.

You sure that'll work?

Oh, yeah.

I think it'd be worth it, man.

Man, she adores you, man.

She's probably definitely one of her best fans, man.

She loves you and she cares about you.

Yeah, but she's married.

That's all right, dude.

We can make an exception, right?

We can make an exception in certain cases.

I mean, come on.

I hope you're right, man, because I don't want to go out there for nothing, you know?

I want to get laid when I'm there.

Hey, I'm not very far at all from Oakland.

I'm very, very close to San Fran.

So, hey, man, there's always something fun.

You guys talking shit about me?

What happened?

Yeah, we were talking shit about you.

Dream.

I recorded this.

You need to get that damn captain's hat on, man, because your head's looking a little bit crooked tonight.

Crooked?

I just got a haircut, you asshole.

What do you mean crooked?

I got a great hat.

Crooked.

He told me that you need to put that hat on.

I agreed, man.

Let's make it unanimous.

I got a sexy haircut tonight.

Yesterday, I got a sexy haircut.

Eat up.

Very sexy haircut.

All right.

Go.

I'm going to try these professional males again and see if they answer.

All right, so here's a different number then.

Big Jen, we got a couple chicks, a 24-year-old working female,

quiet, laid-back rocker chick, and a Ford model.

I don't know what Ford.

Whoa, and what does she do?

A Bahamian spiritualist.

What the hell is a Bahamian spiritualist?

Looking for a roommate who is 420 friendly.

There you go.

You don't have to stop with that.

Milkman, you're 420 friendly.

You should do that.

that negative 10 what what does that mean 420 friendly that day you smoke marijuana that's you

smoke the weed never man that stuff's bad for you man is that what that means marijuana cigarettes

yeah yeah what the hell is 420 got to do with it then oh my god really you don't know that

yeah you should know that come on why would i know that because i don't know you're doing research

man i thought you was like the medium man yeah but i don't know anything about what is 420 i

I don't understand the significance of that.

You explain that to me.

Who knows?

420, it's a number that for some reason has connotation with marijuana smoking, smoking weed, you know?

But why?

Okay, all right.

We'll milk Manzun over there now.

No one really knows.

There's rumors.

No.

Story.

Four.

Most people used to work eight hours.

And you get off at four.

That was the old way.

This was before the economic crunch.

She got off at 4, 20 minutes later, you're boogieing down, man,

and out comes the number, 420.

That's not it.

I thought it was people used to smoke at 420 p.m. at Berkeley University.

I'm saying, you get off at 4 o'clock, 20 minutes later, 420.

No one knows.

It's Hitler's birthday also.

I thought you'd be a fan of that, Jim.

I thought you were into eugenics and all that.

Well, 420 is a code for weed.

You never heard on April 20th everyone smoking weed?

and oh yeah best militia in the industry man eugenically approved there you go all right so

a couple of chicks 420 friendly jen you want that you want to talk them ask them what you you talk

to them yeah okay i'll ask them what 420 is yeah yeah tell them you're from the uk and you're

confused and you're yeah tell them you're hot and that you're playing some kind of information

about a call here man did he send it to you hermano uh this came from ken big ken sent this

I got the information from him, but he hasn't verified it with me.

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

What's the name?

Okay, it doesn't matter.

Jen.

I'll go ahead and post it, and then I don't know if it's good yet.

North Hollywood.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

That's exciting, isn't it?

I'll try it again.

Don't worry.

What is the meaning of the 420?

What do you mean?

You went in and out of that place.

How do I post in this chat?

Just SMS?

This should be a little thing in the bottom.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

Did you get it?

Yeah.

All right.

Good, man.

That was from Jose.

He seems to believe that's a good one.

There's some information on another one.

It seems funny, but I don't have a number yet.

I don't know that I got it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Where'd you post it, man?

In gold.

It's in the chat, Skype.

I don't see it.

You see it, Jen.

I don't see shit.

Yeah, it's in gold.

Gort?

Oh, I mean, I got to fire up Gort, I guess.

Yeah.

Fucking Gort.

I don't see anything.

Yeah, I do see.

I don't know how I can do it.

I think this Skype...

You know I'm a fan of Skype, Piss.

I tried to send it. Okay, it says

call group video call. It's just got

our name in it.

Yeah, because I think you've got the wrong... No, he's got the wrong

madhouse.

You've got the other madhouse.

The old madhouse.

yeah

I see where you put it

I see. I put it in the new one.

Yeah, okay.

Because we started a new conference call when I crashed.

Okay. Here, okay. Maybe I can send it directly to Jan.

You can send it directly to me.

Is that right? Did it come?

Yeah, I've got something. Hold on.

I see. I'm sure you need to relax.

I see it in the old conference chat.

Yeah, I see this.

I'm sure you need to relax.

Blah, blah, blah.

All right. I got it from the other one, Milkman.

Milkman's learning how to use his computer still

for the first time.

Actually, yeah, man, I did switch to over.

I really want a Mac, man, because this PC shit is just way too hard for me.

It's got two buttons on the mouse, man.

You know, me and Carlito, we were talking about Macs earlier, weren't we?

We were saying about, you know, Macs and who they're for.

Who needs two buttons?

No one needs two buttons.

No one needs Flash.

Why can't they get rid of the one button and just make no buttons?

How about that?

They have that.

The Mac has the Magic Mouse with no buttons on it.

It's just the mouse, and it's all touch.

Well, you've got an old Mac.

it's only got one button on it man get the magic i don't like his computer shit it's too hard man

you gotta think man it really it really bums me out man all right speaking of bums here's jose's

number i'm sure you need to relax and enjoy every bit of satisfaction because i put this one out

here for you i'm never in a rush if you throw a bone and i ain't gonna be retrieved all right let

me let me talk damn it i'm never in a rush just want you totally relaxed and renewed call me and

you won't regret it i'm guessing this is a masseuse or a massage lady that's my guess that'd

be my guess i think that's a pretty accurate guess also hang on let me uh since he didn't

type this out right i got to type it in myself yeah there's no formatting here give me a second

here god damn it now what's skype doing i want to play doom i haven't played doom in a while

classic game gene you're too young for doom i don't think you ever played doom you ever played

game doom uh yeah i think maybe probably it's similar to wolfenstein jim you mad played played

wolfenstein right yeah yeah no yeah yeah that's the one that's the first one that started doom

it's got all the like nazi shit on it man it's pretty cool man oh yeah i never played it hello

yes hi this is the massage lady yes oh good and um were you available tonight for massage

Yeah, where are you located?

Let's see here.

Well, I'm new to the area.

I'm in a hotel right now.

Would you make a call to a hotel or does that scare you?

It's a nice hotel.

It's clean.

They have nice sheets and everything and there's a window in case you need to leave.

In case I need to leave?

Yeah, like if something bad happened, like a fire, that we could use the front door.

But also, just in case something bad happens, it has a window and it has like this exit out of the window.

Okay, what hotel, honey?

It's in the, you're near Kalamazoo, right?

No, not at this time.

Are you anywhere near? Can you make it to Kalamazoo?

I can meet you somewhere else.

What about if I drove over to South Haven?

Would that work for you?

Well, I want you to come a little bit further.

I'm in Benton Harbor and I have my own room,

so you don't have to rent another one.

How many, does it have any exits?

How many, is it just one door?

Yeah, no, it's two doors.

Two doors, so if there's something blocking,

one door that i could leave out of the other door right it's safe yeah okay all right and is there

smoking allowed inside the room and everything or yeah that's dangerous though because i don't want

anyone to fall asleep and uh like this you know sometimes you can if you know the most common way

for people to get on fire is if you drop a cigarette while you're sleeping there's a window

too so huh it has a window too yeah how is it like a third floor window or how high up is it

I'm on the second floor.

It's not that high up.

So I could jump and you think I'd make it?

Yeah.

Are there bushes right under the window?

What?

What's under the window?

Is it bushes or concrete or what is it?

Bushes.

Well, do they have thorny bushes?

Like, has it foliage or is it dry?

I don't know, Randy.

How many mattresses do you have there?

Because maybe we could put a mattress outside.

Like, if a fire happens, we could break the window and throw the mattress out.

Okay, is this a serious call or are you just...

yeah yeah i want to you know i'll pay double the time you know whatever it is okay because you want

to totally relax and everything and do the massage yes all right do you do you do deep tissue or

which swedish or what do you what's your like specialty deep all right deep tissue all right

cool now i have like a i have these rocks and i like to microwave them so they get warm and then

Okay, I have a microwave.

Okay.

And then what you do is you microwave the rocks and you put them on my back and they're nice and warm.

And then I have, like, some Bengay and Icy Hot and you put the Bengay and Icy Hot and you mix it together

and you rub that on my back and my ankles because I have swollen ankles.

I'm diabetic.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

And then do you have any Epsom salt?

No, I don't.

I mean, I'm sorry.

What if I bring Epsom salt?

Then maybe I can wash my feet and hands in Epsom salt.

Okay.

All right, and then you can wash my feet and kiss my feet.

Okay.

Like Jesus did.

Do you know in the Bible when Jesus kissed the people's feet, he washed the feet and he kissed them?

All right, yeah.

And then do you make foot pussy at all?

Like do you have lubricants and you make the foot pussy?

I'm not sure.

Do you put two feet together?

Then the heel of the feet, it makes like a vagina kind of, and you lube it up nice and good?

Sure, we can do that.

Yeah, my friend Jen has a bunch of weird fetishes.

He's German.

Go ahead, Jen.

Hello.

Yeah, how are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

I'm okay.

Happy New Year, first of all.

Happy New Year to you.

Yeah, did you have a nice celebration?

It was okay.

I got to see my sister.

You have a sister?

Is she nice?

How old is she?

She's 23, but she lives in Rockford.

She just came down to bring the New Year with me.

Would you consider it a threesome?

With you two?

No, no.

With me and your sister?

Yeah, but she lives in Rockford, Illinois.

annoying. Yeah, that doesn't matter. We can

go over there together. Yeah. I have a

helicopter. We can fly there.

You guys,

we're playing on the phone. What do

you mean? What? What do you mean?

Is this a serious call?

Of course it's serious. I'm trying

to arrange for my

sexual fantasies to be fulfilled.

And one of my sexual fantasies

is a girl and her sister.

And in order to achieve this, I'm willing

to spend money on a helicopter.

And foot pussy also for me.

hello hello hello mrs whore oh yeah mrs she's not a mrs anyway hang on let me call her back

she sounded really um she seemed pretty sounded quite nice actually quite friendly i don't know

she might yeah she was going along for the ride let's see if she want to hang out with us

in the chat room they're talking about an archer with a helicopter i know right

oh come on girl answer back hello hi yes this is the massage girl hello let me put my phone

on that service oh come on kidding leave a message oh what a bitch i hate it when people

do that it's a milkman thing what is that well i didn't talk to her man i didn't know this girl

before that was her message her message hang on let me get my phone in service oh i'm kidding

it's a message i really want to talk to her we should infiltrate this she's not gonna answer

now she's you know she's playing it's all over let it go i ruined it i ruined it i was stupid

but I was talking about Windows and

Foot Pussy. She went for a while

for a while, but I think the Foot Pussy

got her.

Hey, Hermano.

No, I had a helicopter.

You had a helicopter.

She got lost.

You could have said you were going to send a car.

I'll send a car.

Hermano, AMD says

thank you for his message on Facebook

and he hadn't had a chance to reply

to anybody today, but he will get back to you.

Oh, alright, AMD. You got it, man.

Take it easy. No need to reply.

Handle your thing. Handle your thing.

Your business and all this.

Stuff of this nature.

We got Wayne

from Addison.

Brangus Farm is selling Brangus bulls.

I guess he's selling cows. Alright.

Cows for sale. Nice. Milkman, there you go.

You can milk the bulls.

Hell yeah, man.

Let's get him out of here, man. I'm from Amish country.

I still want to know about this

fucking dinosaur movie you were talking about.

Oh, it's awesome. We'll get someone to film it.

that's a good show that's a good movie dude yeah bollocks it's called dinosaur zoo oh yeah

yeah that's is that zoo with a q or zoo with an s hello yeah hi you have the bulls yeah yeah um are

they milking age yet can we milk the bulls and all that we need some milk like we wanted to have

some moo cows and we can milk the bulls oh yeah yeah you can milk okay how much milk do they

produce each and do you just how do you do the pasteurization of the bulls milk a couple gallons

pounds a day from the bulls okay yeah all right all right how many teats do they have per bull

uh four four teats per bull yeah all right and you just kind of pull on them and the milk comes

out after a while yeah are you stupid or something you know bulls are boys the bulls don't have you

must be you're an idiot because i'm trying to do a stupid joke that the bull is a girl cow with

milk and what i'm talking about is jacking off a cow jacking off a boy cow you're really fucking

fucking dumb aren't you are you calling all the way from california yeah i am as a matter of fact

i'm calling from sunny california about what i figured yeah exactly yeah that's how y'all are

down there yeah so this is you do jerk off bulls don't he does jerk off cows boy cows

you goddamn city slickers man too bad death fox wasn't awake man he'd handle his ass

death fox knows how to milk a bull your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message

Hey, Ken, what do you want there, boy?

Fuck you, Dad.

Well, there you go.

Well, welcome.

I'm glad you found us here.

Good to hear you.

Hey, hey, Ken.

Hey, what's going on?

I sent in a couple requests of pranks.

People looking for roommates, but they were dumb enough to leave their addresses, too.

Oh, my God.

So I put also the local Domino's so we can have some pizza sent over, too.

Very good.

I think we tried to call one of them.

I think we did.

Did we?

The 420.

There was another one that I sent to you.

It was a guy with a one-bedroom apartment trying to rent out another part of it.

He wants to share his one-bedroom apartment with someone.

That is gay.

I'm just saying.

He wants like $600.

$600 for half a bedroom?

Hi.

Wow.

Is that New England states?

Is that where that is?

New England.

It's in California.

Is that Connecticut somewhere?

I bet you there's probably an address there related to an England state.

New Haven.

Not New Haven.

I don't know what town it is.

I don't know.

Inside joke.

Gene, you have no idea what we're talking about.

It's like a 420.

No, I never know what you're talking about anyway, man.

You don't understand my accent.

You don't get it.

All right, let me...

We'll translate later.

All right, I'm looking for that now, Ken.

Let me see here.

One bedroom, one bedroom.

Do you know the name that I can search for that you would have sent that with, like, or...

I want to see if his name was...

Andy.

Good Andy.

Andy, guy seems shady, wants to share his one bedroom apartment for $550.

dollars slim shady why doesn't he just become a manhole he should yeah you know it's not that

hard to make a make a glory hole all you need is a piece of plywood in a hole paint it white

maybe a little bit a little white yeah but man you gotta remember if it's plywood man don't you

gotta like like like you gotta sand it smooth the edges you don't want to get a splinter do you

that's part of it you gotta sand it you gotta sand it so you understand that how to route it

No, you trace the outline with a Coke can.

That's about as thick as you can find.

Dude, I would have a hard time there because your can is about the same dimension.

That's cool.

Thank you for that image.

Thank you, Milk Can.

And our meet-up, bro.

Yeah, yes, you have a one-bedroom for rent?

Not a bedroom.

It's an apartment to share.

It's a one-bedroom apartment?

It's a one-bedroom apartment.

So how many other rooms are there?

Just the bedroom?

There's not.

It's just one-bedroom apartment.

I mean, it's just one room.

Okay.

Does it have a separate living room and stuff, or is it just one box?

Yeah, but it has a living room in it.

It's a one-bedroom apartment.

Okay.

It's one bedroom and one bathroom.

So I get the bedroom, and then where do you sleep?

On the couch?

No, you don't get it.

It's two shares.

You're going to share everything.

So you are going to put your bed in the same bedroom that is my bed.

So we're going to share everything.

Okay.

Okay. And do we share the same bed? Can I use the bed?

No. How we can share? No. You don't have your own bed. I have my own bed.

We are going to share the place.

No, but at first, maybe separate beds, but maybe after a few months we can put them together and make one big bed.

No, no, no, no, no.

What if we're friends? If we're friends, maybe, no?

No, no.

No? Okay. Now, do you have a rule for the toilet, like how you use the bathroom?

Do you have any bathroom rules?

What do you mean?

Like for number one?

Yeah, but, like, if I do number one, I want you to sit down for number one

because I don't want pee-pee everywhere, you know?

Uh-huh.

Okay, and then when are you going to take out the trash?

Every week, or do we do one week me, one week you?

How did you want to do it?

The trash, it depends how it's full.

If you want to take it, you take it.

You don't, if I feel like it's full, so I take it.

Uh-huh, and what if I think it's full?

Do I just leave it for you?

To you.

It's your team that you're cleaning, so you're going to do it, right?

Yeah.

Now, do you have a laundry machine there, or no?

The building has.

All right.

So can you do my laundry for me sometimes if maybe I'm busy?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't do that.

That's sure.

You're going to do your stuff by yourself.

I don't do laundry.

I don't do nothing like that.

No?

Okay.

Now, what about for the TV?

What do you mean the TV?

I have a lot of cable.

But you don't want to pay the cable.

I'm not going to pay the cable?

No, you're not going to pay the cable, no utility.

You're just going to pay your rent, $5.50, and that's it.

And do you have Internet, too, or no?

I have Internet, too.

All right.

What speed Internet?

Do you have DSL, or what do you have?

No, it's not DSL.

It's Wi-Fi.

It's not wireless.

I don't know.

I have a router.

I have wireless.

You have wireless?

Yeah.

Do you have Internet Explorer?

Internet Explorer?

What do you mean?

Do you want to use my computer?

Well, I mean, do you have Internet Explorer?

Does it work there?

Yeah, so it depends on your computer.

Oh, do you have a YouTube computer that I can use,

or do I have to use my own YouTube computers?

No, you're not going to use your computer.

You're not going to use nothing that, for example,

like my computer, you're not going to use.

Okay.

You can use a TV.

You can use everything that's in the kitchen.

But, like, stuff like computers, stuff like that, no.

What about microwaves?

Like, you can use a microwave.

Like, paper towel, I mean, like, paper towel, you need to buy your own paper towel.

You don't want to share mine because I'm not going to buy it for you, right?

Well, maybe one time you buy it, and then next time I buy it, we share like that, maybe?

Maybe that can work, yeah.

Okay, and then sometimes then I can share the car.

We can carpool together.

No, my car, no, no, no, my car either.

You're not going to drive my car.

Well, how many cars can we have there then, two?

How many cars, what?

Like if, you know, one day I use the car, and then the next day you use the car?

No, no, no, no.

My car, you are not going to use my car.

If you have a car, if you want to use it.

You are not going to use my car.

Do you want to have an Audi you can use?

Do you want to borrow the car tonight?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, okay.

No, no, that's personal, so we don't share that.

Do you snore?

Huh?

Do you snore?

No, I don't.

Okay, and do you fart sometimes in the bed?

Like, you know, you ever do that?

That's in my bed, so what is wrong with that?

But I can smell it, you know, in the same room.

That's the problem if you make a fart.

Yeah, but I don't do that.

I'm very respectful of that, but I'm trying to go and do that.

Do you go to the bathroom and make a fart and all that?

Yeah.

Okay, now what about masturbation?

Dude, you know what?

I'm not interested anymore.

No, but listen, if I want to masturbate, what do you do?

just find our place

to

and thank you

I'm sorry

no but what about

when it comes to masturbate

these are all valid questions

let me see if I can get them back

cause I could

I fart in my sleep sometimes

guys

I'll be honest with you

I shit the bed sometimes

your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system

3

2

3

there you go guys

call him

I want everyone to call him

cause that guy's funny

no no no no

you know

like I said

at some point

we'll

push the beds together

just kidding

Dude, find more of those.

That's funny, Ken.

I like that.

One bedroom for rent.

I sent you like 10 different roommate numbers.

But are they all the same one bedroom?

That's awesome.

I love that.

That's so weird.

How desperate are you?

You're like, I'm going to rent half of my room out.

Jesus.

Only Mexicans would do that.

I'm just saying.

He's like, I could feel like four families in this room.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail.

It's going straight to voicemail now.

All right, good deal.

That was a good one.

We'll do some more of those in a second.

Second, we've got someone with a gorilla and monkey costumes from Lonesome Loser.

D is selling gorilla and monkey costumes for $8.

That's a good deal.

$8 is a bit cheap.

You think they're good?

No, I think they'd probably be pretty shit.

You have a gorilla costume, you said, right?

I do, yeah.

I do, and I was going to bring it with me if I come over there.

There you go.

And then I could use it over there, and you could film it or something like that.

And I'll have a horse costume?

We'll go into a restaurant or something and then use it.

Yeah, hi, you have a gorilla costume?

Yes, uh-huh.

Does it have real hair, or what kind of hair is it?

Hair.

It's got the mask, it's got the full body suit,

and then I've also got gloves available, too.

Gloves?

To touch it.

You touch it with gloves so it doesn't get messed up?

Uh-huh.

No?

All right.

How many times have people worn it?

Is it kind of funky inside?

No, it's good.

It's nice.

I've got one, let's see, I've got to remember if there's two or if there's one.

I think I sold one.

I've got one full one, and then I've got a half of one that's just the upper body and the mask.

And then I've got, you know, the children's ones that are, you know, kids-type costumes.

All right.

But the full gorilla is $45.

All right.

And then what's $8, the half one?

No, that's a kid's.

You know, I've got different kids' costumes.

Now, there's no way that those are $8 for the adult ones.

So the half one, how low does it go?

Does it go past the ding-dong or above it?

It would be probably longer, and these are large size.

These aren't for, you know, a small person.

They are a large size costume.

All right, because maybe, I mean, does it go down to the waist?

Is it above the waist, I mean?

Like, where does it cut off, the half one?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I don't remember.

I would have to pull it out and look.

I'd say it's going to be longer.

That's what she said.

Yeah, so it would be cool if it comes out of the waist, like to the belly,

then I could walk around, right, with the mask and the belly,

and then I'll just have my ding-dong flapping around

and put sneakers on and run around, and it would be like a monkey.

But I have a big dong, so I can make it slap on my knees back and forth,

like shake it, you know, just run around with my ding-dong out.

Would that be acceptable?

Hello?

No.

I'm just thinking about half monkey, half human.

It'd be like a banana.

I'm painting yellow.

Oh, look at that monkey's got a banana.

Hello?

Ding dong.

Hey, Carlito, we should call our favorite pizza tracker

and send some pizzas to Faison and then wait for them to be delivered

and have Jen call her and ask how she liked them.

Let's just call her.

Let's see how big Faison's doing.

Jin, I think you missed that show where I made the order to Faison and canceled it 15 minutes later.

She got pretty mad.

Okay, yes, I did miss that.

Let me talk to her then.

Tell her we're sorry.

I'll remind her.

Try to sneak Ding Dong in the call at some point.

All right.

Thanks.

Were they even open?

Should be on a Saturday, yeah.

I'd hope so.

Maybe they're very busy.

Maybe, maybe.

Give it a few more rings here.

Ding Dong.

See, I did it.

Here's a weird one.

We got a woman offering fur babysitting and care.

What?

Hello.

What?

Hello and happy to make your

acquaintance. 60 plus

woman owned by

two fur babies and happy to care

for your fur babies in your home.

What the fuck does that mean?

Fur babies? Yeah, what the fuck is

a fur baby? That sounds racist.

Maybe it's a baby with fur.

Like, I'm thinking furry,

like those furry people, but

holy shit. Alright, let's see. Fur babies.

Nothing.

Please leave your... Nothing.

All right, Karen says, we love to clean housewives.

Are you desperate to clean your house?

All right, cool.

We love to clean housewives.

Yeah, you know, clean them out, enemas and stuff, maybe?

I guess.

I don't know.

Okay, that's interesting.

The show's going, this is a weird show tonight.

Not much action, no super angry pranks yet.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, sorry, Matt.

I'm going to quit what I'm doing and listen to you.

You almost died, that's why, Jen.

Yeah, well, it's still on my mind.

Hi, this is Karen.

Hi, Karen.

You like to clean housewives, is it?

Yes, that's us.

Okay, so how many housewives, what, do you just hose them down and stuff?

Because I have some housewives that are kind of overworked and stuff.

Oh, it's only myself and my partner.

Okay, is it a girl partner?

Yeah.

All right, and then you come over and you clean.

Are we talking cleaning houses or are we talking something else?

Well, you said you like to clean housewives.

Oh, yeah, so I've got housewives already.

They need to be clean.

They're dirty.

They're not very clean.

They've been defecating on themselves and stuff,

so I thought maybe you could come and clean them up,

give them enemas and things like that.

No, that's not what we do.

Then what do you do?

You clean the toilets?

We clean an actual house.

What about the toilet?

We clean toilets in every part of the house.

All right, well, I have three bathrooms in the house.

Is that okay?

Mm-hmm.

There's no toilet paper in the whole house, though,

so we would need some help.

I don't think we'll be able to help you.

Well, I shit in the toilet, and then you come clean it.

I

got a better idea.

Let's see if I can get her back.

Well, splendid tonight.

Splendid show.

Hi, it's Karen, and you've reached...

Anyway, Joe wants some healthy goats.

big joe healthy goats for joe let's see something's got to stick here we're doing okay i guess i'm

gonna stop talking about it let me talk to joe joe healthy goats he wants goats he's looking for

healthy goats get it right yeah hi joe yeah how you doing there this is mr stewart yeah mr stewart

yeah yeah well not yet i'm a goat farmer and i heard you were looking for some goats

Yeah, okay, good, good, good, good.

I'm just hanging in there.

I'm about ready to sleep here.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Did I wake you up there?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's okay, Mr. Stewart.

I appreciate your call.

Okay.

How many goats you got?

Well, I got four little goats here, and they're in pristine condition.

Okay, you get a pet.

So tell me a little bit about why you want my goats.

What do you want to do with my goats?

Take care of them.

I used to have chickens, goats, rabbits, and all kinds of birds.

Ah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, I kind of like horses myself.

Ding dong.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

Oh, does she like horses up the ass?

Wow.

Okay, that's great.

Yeah.

But you prefer goats.

Well, I'm a number four hillbilly farm.

Yeah.

Number four.

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah, of course I'm serious. I got to name the place myself. See, I'm a multi-millionaire and I spend all the money on the name. That's where I live. I live at the Hillbilly Farm over here in Hillbilly Land. Fake street in fake street.

I want to talk a little bit more about the goats, okay,

before I give you my address, okay, because I don't trust you.

I want you to convince me that you're not going to do anything improper to my goats, sir.

Oh, you fucker.

Did he go?

Did you figure that one out, really?

That guy seems like he's...

Yeah, he seemed really stupid.

Sorry, I'm not with him at all.

I'm totally sidetracked.

Sorry.

Oh, that's cool.

That guy sounds funny.

I'm surprised he didn't catch on.

Yeah, call him back and you do it.

But we are not available to take your call at present.

Please leave your...

I thought it was an answering machine.

It's a voicemail.

Big Baby Baz is here.

Hey, Baz.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Hey, man.

We're doing our thing, you know, trying to prank around.

That guy was kind of funny.

He sounded like he had, like, two teeth in his mouth.

Happy lucky 13 year to Mr. Baz.

Hey, thanks, Milkman.

Lucky year 13.

You're the snake, everybody.

You're the snake.

Yeah.

Lucky 13.

Turn it inside out, brother.

All right, I'm looking here at adult books and video.

What else?

Angela is selling an exercise machine for $50.

Okay.

I mean, let me see.

I have an idea for Angela.

I want to see her use it, use the machine and take pictures.

Hi, Angela.

You have a machine for sale, a working out machine?

You have the working out machine for sale?

Oh, yes.

Oh, do you have any pictures of it?

Computer, I could email them.

Okay.

Okay, which machine is it?

Is it the Bowflex?

You know, I'm not even sure what it's called.

My ex, it was my ex's machine.

So I don't know what it's called.

Oh, are you single now, or what's up?

Huh?

You're single?

No.

Oh, no?

No.

You have a new girlfriend?

I have the machine, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I honestly don't know what it's called.

Oh, my friend Jim Stewart, he's an archer, so he's looking for a Bowflex machine.

He's my new boyfriend.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, don't tell anyone, because my mom doesn't know that I have it.

I could see, like, exactly, like, what it's called, but I don't know.

Is this a number that I could, like, send the pictures to, or do you want me to send them?

Yeah, you could text them right back to this.

Did you want to take a picture now?

Can anyone take a picture with you on it?

You know, maybe you could put some sweatpants on and show how it works, the different positions for the machine, just so I get an idea.

Okay.

All right, because I want, like, do you have sweatpants that you can wear, like gray sweatpants?

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

All right, go ahead and put on a pair of gray sweatpants, all right?

And then maybe, Ken, do you have a friend now who could take the picture?

Or your boyfriend could take the pictures now?

I'm trying to find somebody to take the picture.

Tonight, you think, or when?

Yeah.

All right, because I'm kind of lonely tonight.

Yeah, I'll be standing here.

Give me like 10, 15 minutes.

Oh, okay, honey.

I'll call you back in like 10, 15 minutes, and we'll talk about the pictures.

Okay.

All right, honey.

Okay.

And I'll call you back.

I'm going to give you like $60, all right?

okay all right bye wait for her to send the pictures because this would be funny i got

she's gonna send them where she's i don't know she's the number that comes up on skype i'll

just say oh yeah i got him i didn't get him but i'll say this thing she's actually gonna take

pictures of herself on it you might as well get her to do it yeah well i don't have a number she

could take i'm not gonna give her my numbers no no no no she asked for an email you could have

given her the um oh the man how does she know yeah i don't my wife will get real mad if she

She sees pictures of a girl in sweatpants, you know?

I don't know.

You want me to call her back?

I don't know.

Jin, you got an email address to send them to?

Milkman, what's your email address?

We'll have her send them there.

nodonkeysatjinstewart.com

All right.

How about I call her back and you tell her that?

Tell her to say, hey, I'm the boyfriend.

What's the name of this?

Can you do that, Jin?

Because I'm going to laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right.

I'll do it seriously so that she actually does it

because I want her to take the pictures and I want to see it.

Yeah, we'll look at her ass.

Hell yeah, man.

and we'll talk about it.

Here we go.

Jin, you've got to share it with us, though, right?

No, it's all for me.

Hello?

Hi, this is Jin.

You just spoke to my partner about the exercise machine.

Yeah, I was wondering, can you actually email us the pictures?

Can I give you my email address?

Yes, no?

Let me see if we can get a pin real fast.

Uh-huh, okay.

Okay, what's the email address?

Okay, my email address is nodonkeys,

N-O-D-O-N-K-E-Y-S

at

jinstewart

J-I-N-S-T-E-W-A-R-T

dot com.

Okay, I'll be sending them here

in another 5-10 minutes.

Great, thanks. I'm looking forward to it. Cheers.

Alright, cool. Let me know when those come in, Jen.

Am I lagging or what?

I must be really lagging

because she was way behind on that.

There was a little bit of a lag here, yeah.

Alright, I'm disconnect or reconnect.

We'll be back in a second.

Okay.

I want to see those pictures so I can rub one out.

There you go.

Rub one out.

I got some numbers in the Skype chat for you, Carlito.

Oh, yeah, I see these.

Let's see here.

All right, Jen's calling back in.

Let me reconnect her.

Hello, Jen.

Okay.

Hello.

Is it better?

Yeah, much better.

Much better.

I don't know.

Yeah, okay.

We'll find out soon enough.

Let me go to the top of Ken's number.

Bassens puts them in here, too.

Ken has no name, but she wants to babysit horses.

Nice.

All right, let's do it.

808.

Oh, wait, it's at Hawaii 808, I guess, right?

Yeah, Hawaii.

On a roo-roo.

Hello, Pam speaking.

Yes, hi.

You have babysitting horses, horse sitting for babies?

Pardon me, I couldn't hear.

There was an echo.

You come to the horses?

You watch my horse for me?

Yes, I'm available for watching horses, mucking cows.

Okay.

Do you talk to the horse and everything?

I haven't been trained in that.

Well, I write down a few things for you to say to the horse.

to relax the horse and everything oh yeah um i i can you know do that i i was trained in english

writing um but i've done western um but um yeah the um most a lot of my writing was in my youth

but so some of the terminology i'm i'm you know i'm not that familiar with anymore but um i i'm

You know, I'm used to working with horses, and if there's something, you know, that the horse is trained to do, then, you know, I don't go messing with that.

I work with the horse's training.

Oh, yeah, shut up.

Yeah, I've got Lippins on our horses.

They're from Portugal.

You ever heard of them?

They're all white.

What, you have Lippins on?

Yes.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, they're beautiful horses.

One of them, his name is Arturo, but you need to talk to him because he doesn't want to cooperate unless you say the right things to him.

Hello?

Hello, yeah.

Hello.

Hi, sweetie.

Are you there?

We've got, hello, yeah, I can't even echo, but yes, I'd be interested.

Yeah, have you ever worked with these?

They're beautiful horses.

Yeah, definitely.

I am familiar with Lipizzan.

is I've idolized them since childhood from Austria

and that they were saved from the Germans.

And, oh, yes, I'm very familiar with Le Pizan.

Yeah, this one.

He came here to Hawaii.

I go to see him, yes.

Yeah, this one horse, you have to be careful with him.

You have to talk to him.

I think they're the most magnificent breed of horse there is.

Yeah, so what we do, you have to tell Arturo,

you stupid fucking horse like that you have to tell him you stupid asshole oh she dropped okay

that skype says there's a problem with this call hold on while we try to get the call back

hey baz i think it might be on your end like when i connected you it started messing up

what the fuck's going on i can't even i can't even hear you guys are just like wow

really just chop chop chop chop chop chop yeah what about now is it still chopping

no now it's a lot better it might have been on baz's end i think baz no it's still

it's still a little bit choppy oh fuck all right let me uh i'm gonna redo this guy

let me redo this guy but i'll call you three back in a second

ha yourself ha your face all right let me redo the skype thing here so excited about the lipids

on her i just know the quote from uh what's that movie the movie i'm always talking about the

submarine nuclear war movie what's it called crimson tide speaking of which crimson tide

Aren't they playing Notre Dame tomorrow?

Tonight?

Are they playing tonight?

What happened?

You guys don't care.

You guys hate when I talk about sports.

Why am I even asking?

Madhouse listeners.

All you do is complain.

Hey, sports.

I'm Brad Carter.

I don't play sports.

I'm not a sportsman.

Hello.

Hey.

How is it now?

Any better?

Oh, of course.

Much better, yeah.

For like two minutes, it would be great.

But fuck Skype, man.

It's shit.

Skype is a piece of shit.

It is.

It's all we got.

Skype is.

Yeah.

welcome to sky piss got a little sky piss all right hey we're calling did you get the email yet

yeah she no she didn't send it are we sharing bandwidth is this what's going on i think i think

skype works like some kind of bandwidth sharing thing yeah because it's kind of reminding like

the gizmo days the more you know the more people you get then the more bandwidth is like spread

out or maybe their channel's just not that wide for that many i don't know but i noticed that

well no it used to be a whole peer-to-peer thing um and they moved away from it because

like would share that stuff yeah now i lost i lost the number hang on shit hey uh baz and ken

can you repost your numbers real quick so i can get yeah yeah whatever you put in before i think

i got them here already no i don't yeah mine was a resort on saipan that offers horseback riding

yeah you know that lady i was gonna ask her something you know because she was talking

about english riding i i know a thing or two about dressage so maybe i should ask her about that

dress hard you said your your parents used to do working out a lot right wasn't it uh my mom

my mom is crazy about horses she i've been around horses pretty much all my kid life uh also i know

i know a little bit very nice that's where it comes from i got you all right do you ever work

with the lippins honors you ever do that no we are all all what we had was uh arab crossbreeds and

And we had a Friesian as well sometime.

Do you know Friesian?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Arab horses are like the fastest horses, right?

Isn't that what they say?

Yeah, they make good dressage horses, I mean, from my perspective.

There you go.

But they're not true Arabs, so they're like crossbred.

Okay, Persians.

Gotcha.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

Ken, the horse lady.

Mongolian was smaller, though.

I knew the horse lady, Ken.

Was that on Skype before?

Yeah, it was.

Let me see.

No name.

Okay, here we go.

Babysitting horse.

Tell her that your horse is soothed when you touch his privates.

Hello, Pam speaking.

Hi, Big Pam.

I was calling about the lipids on our horses.

I had a bad connection.

Yes, I know.

Oh, I was so praying you would call me back.

Oh, I know.

I was hoping you would answer.

I was very...

I have adored the Lipizzan horses since I was a child and first read about them.

And just when you said Lipizzan, my heart just skipped a beat and my head went, whoa, this can't be true.

This is a joke.

It's a prank call.

No, not at all.

This is serious.

And my partner is on the line.

He's British, and he knows a lot about dressage.

You said you did British writing also?

Yeah, I did English.

I don't have the form I used to.

When I was a youngster, I won second place in a horse show in dressage.

So when you say British riding, Pam, when you say British riding, are you talking about dressage riding or are you talking about something else?

Yes, I have ridden dressage, polo ponies.

That's what I grew up riding was that manner of horse.

Yeah, you know, our horses are strictly dressage horses.

horses. We do a lot of lunging. We use a method called Roku. Do you know Roku?

No, I'm not familiar with it.

It's really cruel because it's actually very painful for the horse, but it's actually

necessary to get the horse to keep its head in the right position. So we would ask you

probably to help us out from time to time with that.

No, they haven't been fine.

Lunging horses, Matt, I haven't got a lot of experience, but I'm totally familiar with it, you know, and the procedures and everything.

And frankly, there's some things I've found YouTube can be very, very instructional when it comes to horse training and things like that.

They have really very good videos by the trainers.

Sometimes the trainers that I'm researching, that's one of my learning tools, shall we say.

But I'm open to learning whatever it takes.

Yeah, we want you to start using the Roka method on the horses that we have here.

And it basically involves you getting on the horse and pulling very tightly on the reins

until the horse's head is tipped in a certain position.

neck is bent back perfectly for an excellent dressage posture um so we would have you

probably sit on the horse for maybe 30 minutes 40 minutes and just you know really hold on quite

tightly um while we uh do other things with the horse no i that um i i can sit on the horse

perfectly i i decided long ago that falling off horses is way too painful so um i i yeah right

That's fine. I'll let you talk to my partner then again, because, you know, I just wanted to know if you were doing dressage and I can't hear you that well anyway, because my connection is absolutely terrible.

we'll say okay um i've i've done some in the past i um i wouldn't want to try and enter a show

with my form right now but i i can definitely you know sit a horse and um while you work with it

that type of thing and you know do some exercising and everything yes yeah what we do is so you would

hold the horse's head in that position and then what we do is we talk to the horse and we say

you stupid horse like that and we we touch him in his private parts a little bit and we make him

more comfortable and we extract the semen from the from the boy horse okay and we we masturbate

the horse and the horse becomes relaxed and then we we start kicking the horse until you keep

moving you stupid horse like that and the horse learns its lesson it learns that the human is the

the master on top of the food chain yeah and and the horse always has to know that the human is

the master because yeah they if they ever get it in their brain that they're the master and

then they take you for a ride yeah and then uh what jen does sometimes like what we'll do if we

have a horse that doesn't behave and we have to give up on the horse what we do is we uh we go

down here to the the kilowatt highway and we take the horse and we we hit it in this rear end really

hard with a broom and scare it and make it run out in the middle of traffic and you know usually

it's usually it's like natural selection the horse usually doesn't make it yeah and that's and that's

basically how the lippenzahner horses uh made it out of germany um the jews they they started

kicking the horses around the rectum and the vagina and the penises and the horses that were

the strongest were the ones that were able to survive and that's why there's such a strong

wrong line of horses the lippins honors oh i i know they are they are tremendous i um they uh

i they he used to have them on display at um the circus world museum in wisconsin i lived there and

boy i i'd go almost 100 miles to see that horse yeah and we have this this one horse arturo he

he loves apples you know how horses love apples oh yes and he went to bite me once and i said oh

oh, you stupid fucking horse.

And I threw apples at him.

I said, you like apples now?

How do you like them apples?

And I hit it.

And he doesn't like apples now.

Then we had this black guy will come out,

and we paid the black guy to yell at the horse and scare the horse.

And now the horse is afraid of black people.

I had a poodle that was something like that a long time ago.

His name was Ernie.

Did you train the poodle to be a racist dog?

No, I live down south, and I think she picked it up from my racist neighbor's dog.

Okay.

It's funny.

You could take a dog, and you pay a black man to beat the dog, and then the dogs hate black people forever.

Yeah, I know.

And I had a friend that was a black person, and my dog would go nuts at the sight of this guy.

Yeah.

You know, black people have...

You know, horses have a natural fear of black people.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

They naturally will run away from black people for the same reasons.

Because in Africa, when the horses came to Africa, the black people thought they were the devil,

and they would chase the horses and throw spears at them and everything,

and that's why there's no horses in Africa anymore.

Now it's just zebras.

They've only got the zebras.

Yeah, so did you...

Now, you mentioned Kilauea Highway.

What island are you on?

Are you on...

On the big island.

You...

Oh, shoot.

I'm on Oahu.

Oh, wow.

But we could send a car for you.

From Oahu to the Big Island?

Yeah.

If you're, what about the airfare and everything?

No, we could, I mean, if you're good, if you're so good, like you say, you go with the horses and everything.

I, well, I hate to claim that I'm really good because, as I said, most of my real, real hardcore riding is when I was young.

i'm you know i'm i've been working lately going back and taking lessons again um i volunteer at

a stable and in exchange i get writing lessons and so i've been taking advantage of that because

oh yeah you know i we could offer a similar package there you know you we could if you

wanted to come over here and work with us we could give you i could give you free lessons

in dressage oh that would be something um we wouldn't have you on the horse first time we'd

probably put you on another person and then we'd probably lead the person around by the reins and

we'd you know we'd put a saddle on someone's back and we'd have you you know sort of i'll

teach you the basics there no that um that would be fine i i i like i said uh to work with

but the Lipizzans would be such an honor.

I just hope and pray that I would be qualified enough.

Yeah, well, we've got four Lipizzans here,

and we've got three Frisians.

Do you know Frisians?

I've heard of them, yes,

but I'm not as familiar with them as the Lipizzans.

Long mane, long tail, completely black,

very, very beautiful, powerful horses.

They're very similar in size to Shire horses, huge.

And, yeah, we have three of those.

Yeah, but we won't, as I said, we won't put you on them, first of all.

I'll probably put you on my partner, if you don't mind.

And my partner, I'll lead him around on the reins.

Are you okay with that, Carlito?

You're okay with that?

Yeah, I'm good.

We're at the meat spit.

Do you have access to the Internet at all?

Did you maybe want to check it out?

Yes, I do.

I'm sitting in my computer right now.

Yes, I have computers and everything, phone, everything has access.

Can I have you go to our website now and just tell me what you think?

I just want you to see the horse.

Okay, what is your website?

We're the Meatspin Ranch.

It's Meatspin.com.

Yeah, get her email address.

Meatspin.com.

M-E-A-T?

Yeah, M-E-A-T-S-P-I-N.com.

I-N.com?

Yeah, Meatspin.com.

Okay, Meatspin.com.

Yeah, you might want to turn the sound up.

Yeah, and there's a beautiful video that comes up that shows the horse.

This is the horse that we're thinking about having you ride or help us out with.

Okay.

As I said, I would be honored.

I'm thrilled at the thought of being associated with leopizans

because they're, you know, from childhood I just idolized that horse.

The only other one I kind of like is the Tansy Walker

because they're a nice, smooth ride.

Did you get to the what?

Is it coming up at all?

Oh, I've got to open the Internet.

Hang on.

I'll take just a second.

Yeah, open Internet Explorer and then I'll...

So make sure your speakers are turned up so that you can hear the video.

Yeah, it's a very...

Okay, and...

Okay, speaker's up now.

Hang on.

Okay.

Oh, what I got is porn.

That's the horse.

Yeah, that's our website.

That's the horse riding video.

Oh, the one I've sat through 48, 50 spins?

Yeah.

That doesn't exactly look like it looks on.

Well, is that the kind of riding you're used to?

Um, that's not the job I'm applying for, no.

Oh, but have you ever ridden a horse ridden like that before?

Sorry, I don't think this conversation needs to go on.

But you agreed.

You said my partner, you said you would ride my partner.

Bye.

She's so let down.

I can't believe it, I can't believe it.

Oh, it is.

Oh, man.

I love the music.

The music and everything.

She let the beat spin go for about 30 seconds.

Yeah, yeah, we can hear it

in the background she's like oh 50 spins yeah at some point it must be on qualiants or something

god oh man that is the highlight that is uh i feel bad she really wanted to train those lipids

to get ernie into the conversation oh yeah he's the best painter master painter there ever was

man he started that's funny well there you go goodbye later she sat for 50 spins that's pretty

I bet she's back on it now.

You should ring her back, and when she picks up,

you'll hear that music in the background.

She's probably still listening to it.

She's gone back onto it, is what I'm saying.

You think so?

I like how she had no problem with you telling her

that you kick the horse and beat the horse

and show them who's master.

She's like, oh yeah, the horse needs to know.

Yeah, that was a bit messed up.

I don't think she understood it.

No, but she was saying the horse needs to know

who's the master.

She wasn't going to agree to anything.

Anything she could get with those horses, man.

Them freaking things are so wild, man.

They're trained, man.

They're masterful.

You ought to see them, man.

They're really fascinating for the listeners out there that haven't seen them.

Look them up, man.

They're really amazing.

Yeah, Meatspin.com.

You can see them right there.

That is scary right there, man.

It's such a kill.

I do kind of feel bad for her.

She's really praying.

You've got to count how many spins it is per minute.

You know, that'll give you the velocity and the rate, how good your connection is.

You watch the center really hard, you might even get a Gort connection.

Yeah.

God.

She's hypnotized right now.

Yeah, it'll offer you a Gort connection.

After a while, that was a pretty good number.

Yeah, that was good.

Good work, Ken.

Great number, Ken.

All right, let's see who's next.

I've got to go up to the top.

Let me do one of Baz's numbers here to mix it up.

We got Castle Resorts.

This is a resort in

Saipan.

Saipan. Alright, cool.

Aquarius Beach Tower.

They offer horseback riding.

Oh, really? Do they have any liposome?

I don't know.

You should ask.

Tell them you're going to try and train the Clydesdales

for dressage.

How do you do that?

Big Clydesdale.

Do you have liposome?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, do you have Lippenzahn's there?

Lippenzahn horse?

Lippenzahn.

Hello?

Lippizahn.

Do you have horses there?

Here in Saipan?

No, yeah, in Saipan.

Do you have any horses there?

In Saigon?

No.

Yeah, but I'm not too sure they're for rent.

It says you have horseback riding there.

It says that?

On the internet.

Oh, okay.

Well, we could call that number where you get that.

Info from and verify from them.

What's with Saipan and you people being really stupid and slow every time I call?

What's that?

What's in your water?

Do you have a lot of fluoride in your water or something?

No.

What do they put in the water there?

I don't know.

Do they dump a lot of chemicals in your water at some point?

No.

Our chemicals are, I mean, our beach is clean.

Yeah, but what are the drinking water, though?

What's in it?

Do you have a lot of, like, quaaludes that got flushed down the toilet at some point?

No.

So do you have horseback riding?

Hi, this is Cross Valente.

I'm the master of the Lipizzan horse.

Lipizzan horse.

Hey, so you don't have horseback riding there?

I'm looking here.

It says castle resorts, deep sea fishing, charters, golf courses, and horseback riding.

No, we don't have that.

So what do you do there?

You just have hotels?

Yeah, we just have a condo-style hotel.

The kitchen and living room.

All right, but can I bring a horse?

Yeah, no horseback riding, no.

Is there any space for horses?

No.

Oh, well, I don't know.

I don't know what I got for you because you're stupid because people say you have horseback riding.

What is this, Baz?

What is this?

Hey, I don't know.

You know, I think it's false advertising.

Hey, can I ask you a question, my good sir?

Okay.

Are you Filipino or are you Chamorro?

I'm Filipino.

Filipino.

Hey, if I stay there, are you Baclaw?

I mean, if we were in a room, will you come up to my room and visit me?

No?

You like kissing?

No.

No?

Do you have any Bacala employees there?

Yeah, we could find for you.

You can find for me?

For free, or do I have to pay?

Yeah, who's this?

My name is Jonathan Hargrove.

Is it?

Okay, what are you guys calling for?

Well, we're calling for information.

We want to make reservations.

All three of us are Bacala.

Jen, Cross, myself

Milkman

We're looking to have a party

Hey girl

We were hoping that you'd join us

No, not me

Why?

Will you play horse with us?

Sounds cute

You should check out our website

Can we give you my website?

No

We want to get bomba with you

We have a really great website

site listen to him giggle he's into it hello bye he's gone so i guess bakla is gay i wonder how

many people we could get to visit me spin yeah yeah what's the culture like in saipan are they

anti-gay there are they pretty accepting i have no idea it seems to be pretty accepting i've never

been there my wife lived there she went to school there somebody posted this here a little while

ago i just caught this what what's this it's open all night for canadian fans uh i go there all

the time what's this call for call this number petro canada by the 401 highway in ontario one

of the biggest gas stations in ontario wow man that's awesome they got a lot of exciting isn't

it open today seven ask about horses yeah all right here we go hey can i fuel my horse up there

man i gotta fuel my horse how you doing there i gotta fuel my horse i put the thing in his ass

Yeah, you can place an order for Domino's Pizza up there and then have Brad track it for us.

Where's Brad tonight?

Brad's busy, I guess.

Where is he, man?

What's he doing?

He's busy in and out of the church.

Man, I think he's busy pumping tonight, man.

Probably better leave him alone.

He was upset that KDK wasn't on tonight.

I know that much.

Busy pumping, man.

Like a horse in carriage.

You want to fuel your carriage.

Very few things could stop that guy from being here.

Probably.

uh jen you got this one or who's yeah i guess you i guess i've got it hello sir how are you

not too bad do you yeah i'm all right thanks happy new year to you you too excellent yeah

i want to come by there do you have fuel for uh carriages you know carriages hello uh what kind

of fuel are you talking looking for i'm looking for fuel for carriages okay what kind of fuel

would that be it's fuel for carriages carriage fuel do you have that like we just have regular

other gasoline if that's what you're looking for well i'm looking for i'm looking for carriage

fuel what are you fucking spastic or something listen carriage fuel do you have it uh hello

no we're losing the patient hello yeah don't go fucker hello sir

it's not having any of it we'll call them up tell me you want some leaded gasoline

you won't know what the fuck's going on i got one of them old cars with lead

but what car takes leaded gasoline?

Have you ever seen a car that takes,

or anywhere that you can buy unleaded?

I know some old tractors that take lead,

like you have to put a lead additive into them still.

Jeez.

But other than that, no.

They don't put that warning on cars anymore,

but jeez, I'm just saying.

Thank you for calling.

That's okay.

This is Steven speaking.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Do you have leaded gasoline for tractors?

Not leaded, no.

You only have unleaded?

We do.

Do you have the water,

the gasoline that you mix with water?

no oh because uh how much water can i put in the gasoline and thin it out make it last a little bit

more i'm not sure to be honest maybe you think it's like i think it's like two cans of gas for

one can of uh water honestly i have no idea oh hey did you know that there was a guy who made

a car that ran on water i've heard and they killed him yeah man think about it do you have

internet there nope uh what do you do like when when you're not answering the phone

yeah um i got there's a hose that i have that i can connect do you have bathrooms there public

bathroom yep i have this hose attachment that turns the sink into a shower uh but you know

i mean what if i didn't you know mean you make a deal hello no can i fill my water bed up uh there

i'm just gonna keep it simple like if you guys call again i will have you reported to who to

To the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, probably.

All right, hang on.

Ask if you can stick a Snickers candy bar up his ass.

He's keeping it simple.

He's really stingy with the water, man.

I'm keeping it simple.

Ask him how much a 12-pack of coconut is.

Hello?

O'shead.

Holzer.

How much is your beer?

How much is your beer, eh?

I was busy.

Fucker to answer again.

I want to hear one more time.

He's on to us, man.

We've got to wait 10 minutes.

Somebody start 15 minutes.

it so i'm gonna start to watch oh it's tracing us oh it's gonna be oh i bet she's gonna be yeah

facts yeah he just pulled the fucking fire on us motherfucker yeah screening the call uh we got a

girl looking for a room tv rent roommate what a looking for a room to rent i'm sorry a room to

torrent slash roommate according to this they live in colorado oofa actually i'm gonna have

to take a whiz i'm gonna have to play a song and take a pee man because i'm my bladders

take a piss while you're out you're on the call let's get a bottle man yeah check it out the

window that's strange some guy i know that's what katie does when you come back carlito i gotta

I've got to tell you about a very fucked up call that fucking Dirty Aaron and Cobra made.

What?

Really?

On Thursday.

Okay.

It was fucked.

How did you guys do on Thursday?

Did you guys?

The stream kept kicking them.

So we just started making calls on Skype and he was recording it.

Basically, I...

I fucking told you your stream was fucked, Carly.

So I told you.

Sorry.

I think the pizza delivery driver's ass beat on Thursday.

Okay.

All right.

I want to hear about this.

Let me play this Praises Zolar prank.

He sent this to me a few days ago.

Let's listen to this.

I'm going to go pee up right back there.

Let me turn it up.

Yeah, hold on a second.

All right, awesome.

Beetle, say hey to Zolar.

Yeah, what's up, bro?

Hey, what's up, brother?

Beetle.

Yeah, what's up?

Beetle, say you listen to Zolar Vision.

What?

Say Zolar Vision.

Beetlejuice listens to Zolar Vision.

I don't know.

Zolar Vision.

I don't know.

They might be winning.

I don't know.

Say Zolar Vision, Beat.

No, bro.

Zolar is losing, man.

Say Zolar. I love Zolar.

Zolar? I never know.

I don't know what the fuck he just said.

Louder, please.

Okay, I'm Shane. I'm going to order something. Do you have asshole sauce?

What?

Asshole sauce.

I mean, we got pizza vegetables with the vegetables.

Right, I like vegetables.

Okay, so you want extra vegetables with the pizza vegetables?

Well, yes, I like asshole sauce on all of that. Do you serve it with the asshole sauce?

If you live around here, please, maybe come and see our menu.

Okay, I would like to come in and see your vagina, please.

Okay, so you want to come?

Yeah, well, I could come as soon as you rub me enough.

Only broccoli?

Oh, yes, yes, I like broccoli in your vagina.

But we don't do only broccoli.

Oh, no, okay, well, what kind of vegetables can I put in your vagina, ma'am?

Okay, do you want steamed vegetable then?

Yeah, I would like to put the steam.

Won't that hurt you?

So you want steamed vegetable with only broccoli?

Right, exactly.

I want you to bend over while I insert the vegetables in your uterus.

So you want steamed vegetable with broccoli, right?

Right, if you can...

Hold on, let me check.

How much you...

Hold on, let me check.

All right, hold on.

It's okay.

Fried?

Yes, fried labia, please.

Just regular rice or fried rice?

We don't have any fried rice.

No.

No, no, I want a soul sauce on my fried labia, please.

Hello, I really can't do this. Hang on.

Rice, rice, baby.

All right, so we're calling over to Yang...

I don't even know how to say it.

Hi, I'm Phil. How can I help you?

Hey, Ro, I am Sessha Wan. Anybody speak Mandarin?

I don't know it.

Oh, my English, my English is very, very bad.

I am Mandarin.

Do you want to order some food? That's right.

Yeah, I would like to order some fried Szechuan scrotum.

What kind of...

How do you spell it?

Oh, I don't know how to spell because very bad English.

I need a schlong sucker, some big Bangkok from, you know, little Charlie.

Hold a second.

He put me on hold.

Fried Bangkok for Charlie.

Hello?

Yes, okay, no problem. I need fried Bangkok balls from Little Charlie Gook Man.

Do you want the meat, chicken, or pork?

Yes, I would like to pork you. Yes, I'd like to pork you.

What kind of pork do you want?

Oh, I want dry pork. Dry pork, please.

Light?

Yes, dry pork.

I like pork, that's right.

Yes, I'd like to dry pork you and pork you, yes.

Pork sir with the...

Yes.

Pork sir with the fire...

Yes, yes, pork, pork, pork, pork, pork, pork.

Hello, can I speak to you?

Oh, I need one fried sweet and sour nut sack.

Oh, JJ.

I need some tea bag soup, please.

Yes, can I poke you in your anus hole?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Sweetie Ting.

Are you speaking Szechuan?

Are you going to make an order, sir?

Yes, I pick up.

I pick up your skirt and fuck you little boog-ass.

Go on, okay?

She said, hold on, okay?

Hello?

Hello.

What?

Yes.

And she keeps, like, asking me, what, what?

How come she doesn't speak English?

Okay.

Well, I can take your order.

What can I get you?

Well, that girl was very mean to me.

I think she called me a cunt.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm not a cunt.

I'm sorry, we apologize.

Okay, no problem.

Now, can I have some cum sauce on my foreskin?

Okay, so what do you want?

What do you want to order today?

The steamed vegetables.

Okay.

Right.

I want to get some cum sauce on my foreskin.

Salmoskin?

Right.

Do you have foreskin?

No, I have only Salmoskin.

Oh, you don't have foreskin?

You were circumcised?

Yeah, I don't have it.

I have only Salmoskin.

Oh, how big are you when you're hard?

No, it's not that big.

Like, all the Salmoskins, you know, you can put it down there, or you can put it, you

know, make some rolls.

Oh, you can roll it?

Yes.

Oh, can I roll my cock around in your mouth?

It's really crispy, though.

Oh, my cock is really tasty?

Yeah, it's like a salmon skin is gonna be like crispy.

Oh, so your foreskin is gonna be crispy? Will it have condense sauce on it?

Yeah, I mean we have a salmon skin roll.

Oh, is it crispy?

Yes.

How big is it? Is it little dick?

Yeah, little. It's not so big, like they slice it.

Oh, Chinese man has little dick?

You know, I think you got the wrong number.

I think you're as stupid as the fucking day is long, you dumb fucking...

You know what? Have a nice day. Bye.

Have a nice day, Joe. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye, Joe.

Charlie's a fucking idiot, boy.

What the hell happened to the prank call?

I went to take a pee.

It finished.

Was it good?

I haven't heard it yet.

Was it any good?

It was just typical, you know, calling a restaurant, asking for fried labia and deep fried foreskin,

that kind of stuff.

Oh, Zolar.

I couldn't even hear it.

How could you hear it?

I had to turn my volume way up.

That's why I just got my ears blasted when you guys talked.

I didn't flip over the stream.

I don't have enough bandwidth.

Anyway, Carlito, we were wondering if you were taking an upper decker.

No, no. I just had to pee, and my wife was yelling at me about stuff.

So, Jack, this is what happened on your show when you tried to substitute on Thursday.

They called the favorite pizza tracking company of ours and called a customer up,

basically alluding to he ordered a Coke with his pizza and wanted to know if he wanted some other things with it.

Basically, the call started getting down to where Cobra was telling him that he was going to be bringing the pizza

over and he wanted the guy to answer

his door in his robe

and he wanted to come in and fucking

hang out with the guy and eat the pizza and shit.

And the guy's like,

I don't want the fucking pizza.

Don't knock on my door, motherfucker.

And he hung up and we never heard

anything else ever again.

So the real

delivery guy shows up and who knows

what happens. Holy shit. Did he really

send a delivery guy there then in the end?

Holy shit. Well, he said he was the delivery guy

but yeah, this guy had ordered a pizza

and he was coming oh dear yeah see what's what's the trick what's the trick that um that uh aaron

is doing to get the numbers because brad says it's different than what he employs and he thinks it

works better how is how is aaron getting what does he say he basically says like uh the track

is broken he needs to send some surveys out and they just rifle out these fucking numbers to him

left and right without question all right that's awesome yeah so if you jen if you get these are

people who actually have ordered pizza and uh yeah i wish they had something like that over

here like if they'd ordered indian food or something that would just be brilliant i i

swear i don't yeah but you have dominoes there you can call that in history but you can call

the dominoes in the pizza hut uh chains and say i'm from yeah i can but i i can't get any

information on on you know who's ordered no you can't just say hey can i get the last three people

that ordered a pizza because the computer's not working and they'll be like okay here you go you

You don't think that would work?

No, not at all.

I don't think that would work.

It might work over there, but I doubt it would work over here.

You guys are too smart for that.

A little social engineering.

Yeah, it all takes a little social engineering, you know?

You've got to put some effort into it, Jen.

Come on, man.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, like I never put effort in.

The biggest bitch was I wanted Aaron to hang on and call the dude back after it had been delivered,

but he was like, I've got to go to bed.

And I'm like, you can't leave it hanging there.

I was like, come on now.

Yeah, there you go.

Alright, well, let's

see. Who was I calling?

I said I was going to call someone. I already lost

my train of thought. I had the number ready.

Somebody just sent me an email saying

breaking news, Eminem

has become a born-again Christian.

What? Yeah, what the hell

is that about? What? Seriously?

Yeah.

We'll have to check the...

I'll give you the link in Skype.

That's pretty breaking news,

I'd say. Holy shit.

Good. A born-again

Christian. So he's not going to rap like crazy?

Yeah. Maybe he'll start

rapping about, I don't know, Jesus

or something. Here we go.

Eminem has become a born-again

Christian. Picking up on a report.

A report from the

Christian Post. Eminem has turned

his life over to Christ and is building a

relationship with God.

Way crazy.

Wow. Wow.

That's a big change. That's good

though, man. Maybe something good will

come out of it.

Yeah, I thought there was an album coming out, a Jay-Z and Eminem album, like they were

going to do an album together.

Where does that stand then?

I heard good things about that.

Or I don't know if they were doing an album.

Yeah, maybe they will, but it'll be about, they'll be preaching and everything.

Oh, God, Jay-Z's a fucking devil worshiper anyway.

He's a fucking Satanist.

It doesn't matter.

Is he?

Yeah, of course he is.

You don't know all that shit.

Jay-Z into Satanism and all that, and Kanye's into that shit, and all those big, some of

those big rappers are really into Satanism.

As soon as you put in Jay-Z into Google, the first thing you get is Jay-Z Illuminati.

Yeah, see?

Yeah, you know that diamond symbol, the diamond that he's always making?

Oh, no, I guess it's a song.

Okay, I understand.

No, it's not a song.

He is an Illuminati.

He's a member of the fucking, what's it called?

What's the group, guys?

The secret group, you know what I'm talking about?

The Illuminati.

That's the secret group.

No, no, not the Illuminati.

The fucking, oh, God.

What am I talking about?

There's a secret society where you can become a member, but you have to be a friend.

The Freemasons?

The Freemasons.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, he's a member of that.

So Shaq's a member of that, too.

So that's not a bad organization, though.

You understand that?

Yes, it is.

The hell it isn't.

It absolutely is not.

Okay, whatever.

Are you a member of the Freemasons?

You can't tell us.

Even if I was, I wouldn't say, like, yeah, I'm a member of the Freemasons.

I'm not, but, you know, I wouldn't say it if I was, because they're not supposed to talk about it.

Exactly.

You see what I mean?

Yeah, but they don't do bad things, believe me.

They don't do bad things.

It's not an evil organization.

Okay.

They just have a lot of weird rituals and stuff like that.

Weird rituals, were there rituals about burying Jesus Christ and stuff like that?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Reverse Easter's, that's one of their rituals.

Most of the founding fathers were Masons, weren't they?

Yeah, most of them are right now.

Yeah, actually, I know Obama wasn't one.

Bill Clinton wasn't one, but, yeah.

I mean, like, you know, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin.

George Washington.

Yeah.

Yeah, they all were.

Well, look at your dollar bill.

Come on, you know the whole story.

Look at the symbols on the dollar bill and all that stuff.

I don't know.

You know, I think the Illuminati killed Tupac.

So that's just what I think.

Call me crazy.

Yeah, I thought I remember hearing you tell the angry Asiatics that you thought Tupac was still alive.

alive yeah did they agree with me at all i you know he could be alive still he's in hiding in

cuba yeah yeah man yeah anyway um okay so prank calls let's continue i got a lot of numbers in

england that we can do here if you guys are interested uh we got a lot a lot of request

of pranks also here let me let me weed out some request of pranksters so they're not lost and

then we'll do the uk calls and we'll probably call it a night or a morning that too his name

name was little sambo little sambo you know i'm just clearing up some tabs eminem born again

christian that'll last like a fucking six months it's like isn't snoop dogg a born again rastafarian

now isn't he snoop lion isn't that the whole what really yeah yeah he because he just wants to smoke

weed so he went to jamaica and he hooked up with some rastafarian priest and he was like yeah your

name is now snoop lion and he's coming out with a reggae album yeah oh shit really yeah that's

That's so cool.

He'd make a good Rastafarian, though.

Come on, think about it.

Snoop looks pretty high.

He used to have dreadlocks.

Yeah, I'm seeing this now.

This looks really cool.

I can't wait to see this.

Yeah, I think I want to see what the album sounds like.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

He smokes as much weed as most Rastas do.

That's what I'm saying.

That's probably why he's got an excuse for him to smoke more weed.

Yeah.

There you go.

I think this Eminem thing is just one of his publicity stunts,

like when um sasha cohen as bruno came down from the ceiling at that award show yeah that

put his crotch in his face then he got pissed off yeah that looks so fake from the beginning like

you could so tell it was fake you know uh yeah yeah yeah i think i think the funniest thing was

when eminem uh beat up uh the uh the the dog puppet what the fuck uh triumph when he hit when

he hit the guy's hand i was holding triumph the the the dog you know triumph the the insult the

the insult dog yeah the insult comic dog he he beat it up or whatever because it got in his face

because i guess eminem like moby eminem accepted a an award and moby was yelling at him from the

crowd and eminem was like i will hit a man with glasses and then he was all pissed off and he

came down and that one guy just smiegel what's his name john siegel john smiegel whatever his

name is that guy's funny as hell uh he put he put the triumph uh insult comic dog puppet in his

his face and eminem like punched it or whatever i missed that yeah carlito uh that guy i told you

about that prank with cobra and dirty errand show yeah there's his phone number do a follow-up to

him just to see take his temperature see what happened yeah i hear you all right all right we

got uh can you send that a number for a guy who's a real winner looking for a roommate to move in

but instead of posting pics of the house he posted pics of himself apparently he put a picture of

of himself is of the house

that he's trying to get a roommate into.

Oh, so he's trying to get him.

Okay, is he hot? I don't know.

Black dude. Nice.

Very nice. A little bit of black sugar

there, eh? I'm sorry. I was giving him a call.

I'm going to ask him about black sugar.

Ask him if he's baklava.

Baklava. That'd be funny if there's a Greek place

in Saipan that sells baklava, because I bet

you people laugh about it.

And the owner doesn't understand the joke.

The mailbox belonging to...

Boo, boo, boo.

We got a room next at Disneyland.

There was a young kid in the home, so it should be easy to freak out the woman.

Story about the room being perfect because you have to keep an eye on Cinderella.

Okay.

That bitch is an alien.

What's that from, that bitch is an alien?

That sounds like something Dave Chappelle would say.

I don't know.

Just made some shit up.

That bitch is an alien.

That's funny.

Here we go.

That Domino's call was Thursday, right?

The Corbett did?

Yeah, Thursday.

Yeah, hi.

You have an apartment for rent or a room for rent, is it?

Yeah, it's a room for rent.

Oh, that's cool.

Cool. And how close to Disneyland is it? Can you see Disneyland from there?

Pretty much. I mean, like, downtown Disney is, like, if you know the area at all,

I live, like, right off of Fallen Woman, like, literally in the next street up.

Oh, yeah. Can you see Epcot from there?

Uh, what?

Can I see Epcot from there? I like Epcot.

Epcot?

Epcot.

I don't know what that is.

Epcot and the MGM Studios. Can you see it from there?

I'm not sure.

Oh, what about Universal Studios?

Can you see it from there?

No.

Oh, so Epcot isn't there at all?

No.

Oh, shoot, man.

All right, so can you see the fireworks at night from there?

Yeah.

Do you open the window and the fireworks are there,

or do I have to go out in the parking, or where can I see them from?

You can see them from the front porch.

From the front porch?

Do you guys ever hang out there and stuff and look at the fireworks?

Occasionally.

All right, and who would I be living with?

Is it just you?

me and my family oh and what kind of family is the white people oh yeah all right that's good

that's good nice clean aryan very good and any children uh yeah uh well yeah i just i just got

the my record just got expunged i had something on my record but did you want to do a background

check and all that um probably yeah uh can you wait like a week to do it because the the the

The sexual offense thing is going to drop off from my record in about two or three weeks.

Yeah, is this a joke or what?

No, I mean, you can't discriminate if it's not on the record.

If it doesn't come up anymore, right, you can't do anything?

Oh, I don't know.

Like, well, I mean, I could probably set up a time for you to look at it or something.

All right, and how many bedrooms do you have there?

There's just two.

All right, so I'd be in one bedroom with the child,

and then you would be in the other bedroom with your girlfriend?

Yeah.

All right, and how old is the child?

I'm 14.

Girl child or boy child?

Boy child.

A hole's a hole, you know?

It doesn't matter, I guess.

Any port in a storm, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Do you think maybe I could sit down with a child and interview the child

and we could watch the fireworks together and he could sit on my lap?

Can we talk about that?

Does the child drink whiskey?

No, he's gone.

That was extreme, man.

He's fucking tripping out right now.

Like, what the fuck?

Wow, man.

Our chat's packing up, man.

Ted.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

I'm going to join the chat.

Oh, he's on Skype right now already, man.

He just joined the chat.

No, the IRC Ted Webb report.

Oh, Ted Webb.

Yay.

Yeah, somebody send him in.

Bye.

Ted will get mad if he heard that prank.

I'm sorry, Ted.

That was a joke.

Yeah, I'll get Ted Webb hanging.

He'll get mad.

You are Ted Webb, you fucker.

Fuck.

We'll get Ted Webb over there again.

There is me.

All right.

He's not on Skype.

He's got to add my new...

I sent the new request for the new Skype username.

So, Ted, be sure to add that when you get a chance, when you jump on the Skype there, buddy.

Thank you, sir.

Give me a second.

I'm looking at something here that might have come from Brad.

Jim, did you get those pics from that girl in the...

No, I didn't.

I still haven't got anything.

Why don't we ring her back and ask her?

Yeah, let's call her back.

We're now going to see if I can remember where she was.

Let's see.

Women selling cloth.

Let me go through these here.

Cloth diapers, no.

Big girl selling Ed Hardy's women's plus-size jeans.

Women selling a rare-to-find Fisher-Price dancing monkey.

No, that wasn't it.

Tell her you need the pictures real soon because the Viagra's going to wear off.

I only get one of these a week.

I got to sift through these numbers here, see if I can find...

I think that was one that Lonesome sent.

What was it?

It was a fitness thing, right?

Yeah.

Here we go. Exercise Machine.

Angela, that was her name. There we go.

Hopefully she answers.

I'm praying that she answers.

Are you going to start or am I going to?

I don't care. You want to start? Go ahead.

Yeah, let me do it. Because I did it in my normal voice.

Yeah, there you go. So it should work for you.

What's her name? What's her name? What's her name?

Angela Sanchez.

Hey, I'm Ted, the new Skype name.

I sent them a request over here.

What's the new Skype name?

P, dammit, don't read it out.

Hello.

Yeah, hi, this is Jin Stewart.

I think I spoke to your wife earlier to talk about the exercise machine.

Hello.

Yeah, we're still waiting for some pictures.

Did she get the right email address?

We just want to check.

Let me ask my wife.

Yeah, get her on the phone, man.

Don't tell me what to do.

I'm saying get your lady friend on the phone, please.

You cunt.

Here she is.

Thanks.

Hello.

Angela, this is Jin.

Gin, I called you earlier to talk about the exercise machine.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you didn't send us any pictures.

We were still waiting.

You said you were going to send us some pictures.

I sent you an email.

What's the email address you've got there?

What's the email?

I have nodonkeysatginstewart.com.

Yeah, Gin, J-I-N, N for November, not M for Mike.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I put J-I-N as in mom.

Yeah, it's Jin, November.

Can you try it again and send it to us?

Okay, sure.

Yeah, J-I-N, yeah?

Yes, I will send them right on.

Great, thanks.

I'll call you back when we've got them.

Cheers.

Okay.

Bye.

What was the husband on about here?

I don't know.

He was like, don't tell me what to do.

And I'm like, yeah, okay.

Don't tell me what to do.

Please, you cunt.

i don't know what to do dude you should fucking survey there uh carlito

oh fucking lagging again or what oh fuck balls hey ted ted

hey jen look at this i'm lucky 13 in the uh chat here i'm in the skype chat i'm posting a brad just

sent me a twitter account that's a bot that looks for people that leave phone numbers you might want

want to use that in the future okay uh it's a bot that looks for people tweeting their phone

numbers publicly and and it tweets back at them for doing so nice but if you can click on the uh

he said i think brad says you can click on the uh on the at symbol like you can click on the

yeah yeah on the reply that's awesome very cool okay cool do the do the corporate survey there

Yeah, but not all of them.

Obviously, as soon as you get a tweet saying, thanks for your number,

you're obviously going to delete it, aren't you?

So this is stupid.

Some people, if you catch it fast enough, you know.

There's no logic behind this at all.

No, you're stupid, Brad Carty.

You're stupid.

Hey, Carlito is going to call now the Domino's from Thursday.

All right.

Well, the person that got really upset at the Domino's guy on Thursday.

Here we are.

It's the high-risk delivery.

One of those, yep.

How are you doing, Ted?

Good to hear from you there, buddy.

Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be on.

I just...

It's a surprise.

Yeah, a surprise.

Happy birthday, Ted.

Oh, thanks, you wanker.

Do we have a name for this one, Ken?

Any idea?

Coburg.

His name is Coburg.

We could not complete your call.

Please try again.

All right, I'll try again.

That's what she said.

All the domino circuits are currently busy.

Brian, terminate the call, please.

Brian.

Yeah, Ryan.

What's the difference?

Brian, Brian.

Brian.

Any email you got, Jim?

No.

Come on.

Hey, I updated my Skype picture.

It's a recent picture of me using my computer outdoors.

That's one hell of a computer.

You couldn't complete your call.

Oh, nice.

It's Bill Gates in 1902.

1902.

That guy.

Wow.

Yeah, Ken, not answering, man.

I'll give it a few seconds and I'll try it again.

That sucks.

That was a real wonderful call.

That guy's probably in jail.

Probably.

He probably beat the crap out of the delivery guy when he showed up.

All right.

UK calls.

Time for UK calls.

I was going to post a whole mess of them here in the Skype chat

as we wrap things up for the Madhouse show for the night.

Caroline James is the first one.

UK Godfather.

Might be trying to call in.

He always has really crappy audio anyway.

He sounds goofy.

UK Godfather.

Call in.

Here he is.

UK Godfather calling in.

UK Godfather.

Hello, shit man.

Hello.

Goodbye.

All right.

Caroline, I got this one.

The first one's mine.

Hello, yes, Caroline there.

Yeah, Caroline there.

Oh, yeah, this is...

I'm calling from United Water Machines.

Can I speak with Caroline?

Something very important.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I realize that,

but there's a problem with the water here.

It's leaking, and it's messing up the whole system

in the area, and no one's going to have

have water in the morning and i got a lot of shit to do oh i told you up again

i took the water to hang up do something

she was like do you think she even has a phone that you gotta hang up like that now

well i think i think what was going on is he was bitching he was bitching at her for having

someone call so late

All they ever do is complain

You know what time it is

Do you know what time it is

You're ringing me

Goodness

Bastard people

I'm an old age pensioner

This is making me ill it is

Called the meat spin lady back

You really want that job

That pizza call

That's why I was like

I'm gonna fucking hop out

Like that guy

He's like don't fucking come here

you're so mad caroline hello hello you you caroline you yeah we'll keep him on the line

uh james davis is next james davis all right james davis is that is that show recorded ken

i want to get a copy of that uh yeah yeah yeah he was had to record the whole fucking day ted

you are in the chat room for

Pam. She is a good time.

She's going to

babysit some horses.

We got a lady to hit up

Meatspin.com on the air and she had the music

blasting. It was epic. It was pretty good.

Oh my god.

She's like, all I see is porn.

Her soul

got crushed because she knew

she wouldn't ride any fucking horses.

That she had been wound up on a call.

Oh, she was all excited.

She was like, oh, I was praying you'd call me back.

I idolized Lipa's honors.

Oh, yeah, whatever the fuck.

God, the horses.

She was on about and, like, whatever.

Crazy horse lady.

Crazy lady living in Hawaii thinking about horses.

She needs to get down with the croaky frogs, man.

Cokies.

Hello?

Roy Davidson, I need to speak with him.

This is urgent about the water.

No, he's not in it in a minute.

Oh, what are you doing there?

Olivia.

Oh, I hear him in the background, though.

No, no, that's my mama.

That's your...

Can I speak to her, then?

Yeah, put her on, yeah.

Oh, hurry up.

Who's this?

Calling.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from United Water Machines, and I have Roy Davidson.

What time got mine?

What?

What time is it?

What?

What time is it?

It's 20 to 7.

She hung up.

What time is it?

She asked what time we were visiting.

They always have to ask the requisite what time is it.

What time is it?

It's been the time.

Always with the time.

Do you know what time it is?

Can you light whiskey on fires?

If I knew, I wouldn't be calling, though.

Would I?

I think so.

It's time for you, creepy daughter, not to be watching telly.

Hello.

Wake up, cool.

Hello.

Pop.

Oh, I don't know.

Sorry.

One person at a time, right?

Yeah.

Sorry, dude.

That's all right.

David, Barry, Karen.

Who wants it?

Jen, you want it?

David, Barry, Karen?

Not yet.

Ted Webb.

I'll do it.

All right.

Let Ted do one.

All right.

David, Barry.

The last show Ted was on, he never got to do a call.

David, if you can see the Skype chat's fourth one down.

Here we go.

My name is B.

Give me a B.

This is an answering machine.

No.

Absolutely not.

Fuck it, awesome.

Get out.

That's the way Armando likes it right there.

I've got to change my net.

This is an answering machine.

All right, David, B instead.

Good luck, Ted.

I'll screw this up by having him not answer.

Turn my headphones up.

Didn't the Nasty Boys song start off with, give me a beat?

I just remember Chubby Checker was hanging out.

I was singing Nasty Good.

What the fuck?

No good at all.

Try him again.

Ryan, connect the call, please.

Initiate the call.

Ryan.

Hello?

Hi, this is Jack calling from Blizzard Entertainment.

I have, hello?

She's like, whatever.

She's like, I don't play WoW.

Work, Jack.

I don't feel in the entertainment at all.

Tell her it's StarCraft, not what.

Okay.

StarCraft 2.

Fuckers.

Get free Tescos for a month.

Or Aldi's.

Panties.

This is zero to four.

Hello.

Hello, love.

All right, Richard Walker.

I saw Richard Walker here.

Well, no.

No.

Talk to me.

Hello, your house is full of shit and so are you.

Oh, it's not just you, mate.

Zing!

Alright, I want to try something else here.

You've got that guy, Anthony, right?

Anthony Richardson.

That last one there.

Yeah, you want that one now?

Yeah, just let me try something, because I've just done something.

So, see if you get this.

Can you just take a shit?

How you find out how I did this.

He's like, I just took a shit.

Watch this, guys.

Alright.

18 toilet bowls.

I'm here to clean housewives.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Richardson?

Yes.

This is Mr. Stewart.

Do you own a black car, a black Toyota?

yota no why is there one parked outside your house then it isn't mine it bloody well is and it bloody

hit me hello mr richardson this is mr stewart i know you own a black car and it was the same

black car that hits me earlier yesterday and i'm calling you now to discuss legal action that will

be taken against you very shortly who's she consulting with her her lawyer how did you figure

out how did you what did you do exactly i went i went to google map street view and i saw a black

car outside the residence it's probably anthony's mistress dude that's stalking that's creepy

but you can do that if we do that that's a nice start i was just thinking maybe i can find

Find out.

Just something to use against them in the call.

That's creepy as it can be.

What can I say?

Creepy works, man.

Prime calls are pretty creepy.

I know.

Mrs. Richardson, this is Mr. Stewart again for the second time.

I would like to inform you.

No, shut up and listen to me, right?

There will be legal action.

Hello?

You get her letter.

She rather abruptly left the conversation.

Good, great.

I'll try her again.

Maybe more UK numbers.

Can I call back as the lawyer?

There you go.

Yeah, I'll get you there in a minute.

Don't worry.

I'll try to increase it.

I think they left it off the hook.

I've got an urgent water situation.

Uh-oh.

You got pee?

No, in the UK.

You got pee-pee diaper?

I still think the phrase water machine just cracks me up to no end.

What am I calling about the water machine?

The dirty water machine.

Dirty.

All right.

Richard Walker. Did you stalk Richard Walker yet, Jim?

No, no. Where is Richard Walker?

Eight Walpurgis.

Walpurgis Circle.

Oh, I see him now. Wait, wait, wait.

Look him up. Tell him what kind of car he's got.

Oh, you don't have a house number there. I can't get anything.

Richard Pryor.

Richard Pryor?

Which one are we doing? Hang on a second.

Oh, I'm way up at the top there. Jesus.

You're stupid.

Richard Walker.

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Richard Walker's name is... Yeah, he's up there. He's up there.

Richard Pryor is in your list there.

Oh, shit. Let me call him. Where's your fucking

number that you just pasted? I don't see it.

Hang on. I've got to call Richard Pryor.

Some

Pryor rat could get all fucking angry.

Richard Pryor's

dead.

Oh, he's been dead.

Is he? Yeah, hi. Is Richard there?

Yeah, hang on a minute, please.

Oh, please, yes. Dead rich.

Oh, God.

got house phones and multiple

V-volves. It's great.

Hello? Hey, Richard. Hello?

Richard Pryor. Hey, kid. Hey, you remember

that time you were freebasing cocaine

and you lit your face on fire?

You know what I'm talking about? Remember?

Yeah, you remember that time Richard was

freebasing cocaine and the lighter exploded

and he caught on fire?

Yeah. The best is

right to the kill, man.

I thought you were going to quote

a film or something, like tell him you were

deaf or blind. I can't remember which one.

Yeah, he put the pot on his own.

Hear no evil, see no evil, that one.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, what was he?

He was the deaf one, right?

No, he was the blind one.

He couldn't see.

Yeah, he couldn't see.

He was the black one in the movie.

He was the black one.

I was going to tell him that I loved him as Jojo Dancer.

His life was going.

Did he ever dress in drag?

Because, you know, every black comedian ends up in drag at some point.

You ever heard that story?

I know.

I've, uh, yeah.

Every major black actor, somehow the industry makes them.

You've got to dress them up and fucking point your finger at them and laugh.

Goddamn Freemasons.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Except for Dave Chappelle was the only one that's ever done it.

He stuck by his guns.

I've got a bunch of numbers in Skype chat there.

A bunch of stolen shit.

Oh, wow, we're way up there.

Lysol stole this trailer.

$2,000 stolen trailer in, where is this?

In Honolulu.

Wow, they've got trailers in Honolulu.

They even have the license plate number and the VIN number.

You can be like, yep, I VIN the shit that Lysol has it.

Lysol.

I'm going to call Richard Pryor back then.

Lysol's a good name.

I'm going to ask Richard Pryor about the time he shot the car.

What else did Richard Pryor do?

He did some crazy shit.

He went to Africa.

He was a star in Car Wash 3.

He was in something called Super Nigger.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You remember that you were in that movie called That Nigger's Crazy?

and then you shot

who's this

bloody

who is it

oh I'm that guy

the guy that played

Willy Wonka

what's his name guys

you're some asshole

no no

you know what

bloody time it is

listen

you stole Fizzy List

you drinks

it's

Gene Wilder

I was gonna say it

but I

should call him back

alright

you lose

I got something

I wanna ask him

good day sir

and that's like

he blew

Bicentennial Digger

Reprise

Hello

You're not available now

This is an answering machine

I was going to tell him

This is your life calling

I heard a joke once

At one of those Comedy Central rows

Where Mike Tyson was there

And it said there's nothing

That you can't say about Mike Tyson

That hasn't been the title of a Richard Pryor album

like that nigger's crazy and like if you look at the list of richard pryor uh album titles it's

kind of funny you think about mike tyson let me see let me see here let me see what they are

richard pryor all that racist talk's a little weird to me yeah right well i'm offended her

oh yeah right that's a good thing i haven't heard anybody say that oh yeah right yeah is it

something i said bicentennial nigger what else live on a sunset strip here and now gene wilder

he's still alive i think right or he's look at skype chat gene wilder's no he's alive he's old

he was born in 33 he's 79 years old holy shit wow rudy the tabby oh you're talking about here

that says something eight eight bat actually can you can you get charlie to answer these days or

Or does he just ignore you?

I could try.

Let's see.

We can accuse him of taking Rudy the tabby cat and asking if he cooked him.

Okay.

You probably did.

I'm wearing a nice glow bracelet.

Glow bracelet?

Yeah, it looks great.

Let's check to see if you're drinking.

It could always be on then, right?

I don't know.

I tried to turn my game on.

Hello, Charlie.

Who is it?

Charlie, this is Jonathan.

Hey, man.

This is Jonathan. What are you doing?

We have a report that Rudy, the tabby cat, is still missing.

He has an ear tattoo.

The word on the street is that you may have cooked him in your restaurant.

Do you know anything about the cat?

Well, this is not a joking matter.

There's a family that is heartbroken because their tabby cat is still missing.

Do you know anything about this?

Can

you take a look

in that last order

of chow mein you cooked?

See if there's

a piece of meat that has an ear tattoo

on it. He's stupid.

I was going to say stupid.

He gets mad when you say stupid.

He's not stupid. I missed that. He's smart.

Yeah, he's very smart.

Like when I convinced him his daughter was in jail in Russia.

He won't answer.

He never answers a second time.

You're going to do the one where Lysol stole the trailer and tried to fence it for some ice.

For some ice?

For diamonds or like the drug ice?

The drug.

I've asked about that before.

That was a big thing in the 80s and you never hear about ice anymore.

Is that meth?

That's meth, right?

I don't know.

That's a dog to probably honor your term.

Speedy stuff.

I just remember when I was a kid

and cops first came on TV for the first time

and everything was like, ice, oh, we got an ice bust

this guy has ice

I posted another number

they gave us two numbers, stolen dog that had the

GPS in there, call them up and tell them

that you have the dog and you cut the

fucking chip out of the dog

oh my god, that's horrible

yeah, I guess you could just sell them back the chip

not the whole dog

yeah, a lot of good that chip did you

my capsule chip

It's a loud ring. That ring's got authority.

Hello? Hello?

Goodbye.

No, I'm alright.

I like that that's some kind of weirdo

that picks up the phone and just sits there.

Like, I don't know if that's weirder

than that broad earlier that

picked up and announced her name.

Is it weirder to just pick up

and sit there?

When we got there was a

fucking contrast from that woman

that was so brokenhearted.

Goodbye.

And now we get this guy.

Goodbye.

He's very assertive,

goodbye, that guy.

We're getting out of those numbers,

Ken, don't worry.

What a random person.

Hello.

I didn't even know who you were.

Richard Vaughn?

Thank you.

Why do you spell Vaughn like that?

V-A-U-G-H-A-N

is like Vaughan?

That's correct.

It makes your mouth

do dirty things

when you say it.

It's like you have

a dick in your mouth.

Hey, get your shit together, buddy.

Yeah, I said it

and then I had to go see a priest.

Do you fancy a bum?

And then it got worse.

It actually makes me want to jerk off.

All right, bye.

He was just going to take every bit of abuse he gave him.

He was like, oh, all right.

Apparently that was a funny old guy who Dirty Aaron called,

and he told him he could meet the queen and receive a knighthood.

Oh, yeah.

That's who that was.

Dirty Aaron.

That's right.

It was actually a new caller from the UK.

What was his name?

The Dark Overlord.

He called in Dirty Aaron's show

And they called that guy

And said that we were with the Knights of the British Order

And that he's been

Nominated for a knighthood

And they kept him on the line for like 20 minutes

He was getting really excited

They were going to pay his way down

To Buckingham Palace

So he could meet with the Queen

Wow man

Here's Anthony Richardson

Sounds like a basketball player

UK Godfather

Anthony hey do you want to play basketball

do you like to play basketball

no

oh my name is Bill

would you like to play basketball with me

I'm on Dana Street I'm on number 44

no

do you have an air pump for my basketball

that was the same guy we called with the black car

was it no

oh yeah it was

I've still got the fucking google page

alright tough guy I'm sorry

hey yeah that's right

Right, yeah, we fucked with that guy.

Stolen dog that has GPS?

Yeah.

We're getting there.

We're going to try Richard Pryor one more time.

That was pretty funny.

Want to try a coupe?

I don't know.

Okay.

Just panties.

You know.

Amish panties.

Hello?

Hello.

Hi, is this Richard Pryor?

Come on in, please.

Oh, hi.

This is Gene Wilder?

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Yeah, it is.

I wanted to do a new movie.

Yeah.

Okay.

Where I hang Richard Pryor.

Not the other one.

I'm going to hang Richard Pryor.

It's called Willy Wanker.

UK Godfather got two words out

and then you kind of just went straight in there

because I remember UK Godfather

you can barely hear him

and they hang up

I was like oh wait a minute this shit again

I like that Ted Willy Wanker

Willy Wanker and the Hershey Highway

by the way Jim

the dinosaur movie with the dinosaur rapes the fat guy

it's called Jurassic Pork

it actually exists

really

Leave it to the porn industry.

Really?

Is it a new dinosaur?

I'm sure.

It's Christ Almighty.

It's Jurassic Park.

Oh, you're making it up.

Just like you said, I'm sure, like, it doesn't really exist, but you figure it must exist.

It's just like that movie, Forest Home.

All right, Ken, where's this call Pam for a good time?

Where'd you get this from, the bathroom?

That's that lady we crushed her fucking dreams with the horse.

Oh, her.

I thought you got it from, like, the bathroom.

She's probably on meat spin right now.

Well, I don't understand this.

Yeah, we noticed a lot of connections coming from your website.

This is not a lip-a-zonder.

I don't understand.

Poor girl's trying to figure it out.

Why don't we just say we're sorry?

Hello, Pam speaking.

Yes, hi, Pam.

Yes?

I'm sorry about the joke about the meat spin.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

Not me.

Great, thank you.

Can I give you a different website

to go to for horses?

You expect me to believe you after that bullshit?

Don't say that.

It's bluewaffle.net.

What do you mean, don't say that?

Filthy fucking mouth.

It's not nice, because I'm a Christian boy.

I'm an altar boy.

I'm his pastor,

and I can vouch for that.

I'm an altar boy. We have mass tomorrow.

We were just hanging out drinking wine.

He is not a good trick.

You losers lose this phone number.

You losers.

What kind of loser?

We're not the phone losers.

We're better than them.

We've been just horsing around.

Phone winners.

We've been horsing around.

Horsing.

Bye, Pam.

Pony.

Hey, Pam, you have tickets to El Barco de la Mare?

That's awesome.

You need to save her a number.

She is full of fucking piss and vinegar.

She told me to lose the number, though.

That would make a good phone losers promo.

You losers.

How can you specifically lose something?

I don't know.

Would you have to write it on a piece of paper with a whole lot of other numbers and then mix them all together?

Yeah, and then burn it.

One that you wouldn't pick and you'd be like, I don't know, it's fucking lost.

You'd have to shred it and then take that shredded paper and put it in a thing of water to mash it up and then burn that.

Write it down on a piece of paper, put it in your pocket, then have it fall out of your pocket.

Okay, I know a crazy guy.

He shreds all his private documents.

He shreds them.

then he puts that paper in a bucket of water

so it becomes like pulp

and then he dries it out and then he burns it like once a month

guy's fucking nuts

oh my god that guy's nuts

well the fact that you called him crazy guy

makes me think that he's nuts

there you go

hey did you ever call back that Canadian gas station

that was threatening to call

to report us to the RCMP

no I didn't call him back

did you hear me call him back

let me see

it's been more than 15 minutes

How many horses can they have that all of them have fucking horses, right?

What you should ask them is if you can pour some fucking beer in your, like, E85 fucking car to make it run or some stupid shit like that.

Ask them how much for a case of kokanee, man.

Let me find the number, though.

Let me see where that come in.

Oh, you want me to send it again?

Oh, you send it.

Yeah, post it again because it's way up on the chat.

Way up there, man.

Post it, bitch.

Okay, we're up to panties now

Used panties

Selling plan-made panties

Used panties?

What the fuck is wrong with people?

You've thought about it

You never thought about jerking off with used panties

Like you put it on top

Okay, here it is

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

That's somebody else I've never met

I've done that with my wife panties before

You know

I've stayed at people's houses

And stayed in the young gutter

Definitely

But the panties of the 16-year-old

are...

They were nowhere near 16.

If you keep following that list

down, there's a number from Matt.

Yeah, you never jerk off with a pair of used

panties before, Jen. Try it, man. It's good.

It's good stuff. There it is.

Yeah.

It's like a love sock. Love panties.

Wow, I just stayed somewhere

with that no heroin medicine, and I'm

fucking spinning. Oh, what the...

What's it called? Suboxone.

uh subutex you talking about calling some box yeah it's like you put it on your tongue

yeah hello hello yeah do you have uh playmate panties yes i do oh yeah yeah ken says he wants

you to wear them for me first because i like them used fuck yeah you wear them for me you know i

mean that's his idea not mine so but it's his birthday he's got the catwalk all set up

and everything. The catwalk.

The catwalk? Where do we go?

The UK again?

The person freshly kissed by some

beef curds.

Use panty size 0-4.

Oh, you're a little fucked up.

You're going to roll up here with your van,

man. Just get the address. There's a van

pulling up out in front of your address right now, ma'am.

Let's go.

What are you talking about, Milkman? You're nuts.

Yeah, the van. Notice the

lettering. Panty dropper.

Milkman joined the mafia.

I guess so.

Pay no attention to the van.

Use panties sizes 0 through 4.

Buy them for myself.

Says Ken.

Ken.

Ken's idea.

I think Matt should take that call.

There you go.

What?

Who am I talking to?

Oh, the fucker's on the side.

Size 0.

Yeah, that's little girl panties.

Or a supermodel.

It could be.

Yes.

I want to know how they vary so much.

Confusing for ages.

Pick up.

The mailbox belonging to...

Damn it.

Oh, it has not been set up yet.

Oh, I forgot to try it.

Anyway, we got someone selling 15 pairs of 6-year-old panties.

Wait a minute.

So panties from a 6-year-old or the panties are 6 years old?

I'm confused.

All right, let's try it.

Let's try that.

You should ask for clarification on that.

I think it would be very strange for a 6-year-old.

Yeah.

I wonder how many Japanese collars she's gotten.

Same person with the panties.

Well, different panties, but yeah.

Same idea.

They're not going to move these panties if they don't answer the phone.

You have reached the Sprint Voice mailbox of 8-0.

I was hoping it was a Japanese in the center name.

Akiru.

Konnichiwa.

Ken's selling DVDs.

He's asking if they have any good porn.

This is from Ken.

DVDs for sale.

DVDs.

Kalita, we still don't have that picture from that lady.

Fuck that girl, man.

Oh, that fucking color.

call her back yeah we're gonna have to call her back and uh selling dvds yeah dvds how many

make up a number how many dvs and what is it make up yes hello yeah hi you the cat with the dvds

hey what's going on yeah you the guy with the dvds yeah yep i am yeah how many you boosted man

i'm sorry how many of them did you boost how many you got for sale oh i sold i probably sold about

about uh about 20 of them i uh if you did you check the list on craigslist oh you're like

you sold 20 and you're still holding holy shit no i didn't yeah yeah my buddy said that you got

the dvds you got the good smut in there nah nah nah nah nah nah i don't have i'll have any of

that bro hollywood type shit hey man hey man nah nah i'll have any of that stuff do you have

big pussy lip pumpers yeah you're big black pussy pumpers what's the deal what big black

like pussy lip pumpers?

Nah, I don't have any of that.

They bootlegs?

You got anything from

Nigger Wig Productions?

Just get real.

What about Simon Meets the Pyman?

Do you have that? Simon Meets the Pyman?

Nah, dude.

You could go to

Chinatown. I'm sure they got all that good stuff.

Do you have Jurassic Pork?

So these are all store-bought?

You got any bucks?

Nah, these are like Disney movies, bro.

You got any unreleased Tupac albums?

You know, a few, man.

No, I don't have any unreleased Tupac albums.

Hey, look, I'm in a little bit of business right now.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Do you have Dallas Does Dallas?

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

I don't even want to know if they made a movie like that.

I know Debbie did it, but I don't want to know about Dallas or Dallas.

Do you have a movie with, do you have that movie with you and your wife that-

That piece of fag shit, Dallas Does Dallas.

Now you're trying-

Hey, now you're going too far, brother.

I want to see you mount your gorilla wife.

Rock on, this is a cool fucking game.

Do you have a sister?

Gorilla wife.

I like that guy.

He was nice.

He sounded like the angriest he had a guy.

He said he had a good...

Brendan, we should get him on.

I was going to ask him if he had...

He said he had Disney movies.

I was going to ask if he had Song of the South.

Song of the South.

It's our baby song.

I recently watched...

Why the fuck does a grown man have Disney movies?

get them in the house why does ted collect fabergé eggs why is ted pretending to be ted when he's

actually not ted but he's fucking bill gaze hey brother hello you said you had just some disney

movies yo what do you want i just finished talking to somebody about this i don't have no porn

right now fam i'm talking to you brother listen i want dallas does dallas and i know you've got

So don't fucking lie to me

Quit talking over the phone. I'll do that telephone games this shit. I'm gonna touch you my address right now

You can't talk to me like that in person for your stupid idiot. Come and come

He's gonna

Let me text you.

I can't receive text.

Tell me your screen's

broken. Let me do this.

Tell me you brought the screen over a black guy's

headset. You have reached

the Sprint voicemail box of

shit.

I was gonna say, I don't do that texting

shit. You better tell me the address.

You ought to do that gangster telephone shit, yo.

I don't do that.

I only text gangsters.

Oh, shit.

It's hard trying to watch all these things

that people are talking about at one time.

Right.

Yo, you got my address?

Yeah, no, I didn't, because, listen,

I don't have a fucking text on my phone.

You have to tell me your address, you idiot.

Alright, are you ready to write this down?

Yeah, I'm writing it down. Give it to me.

You cunt. Give it to me.

9-8-6-5-0

1-4, shut up, Ted. 1-4 what?

I said 9-8-6-5-0

Shut the fuck up. Listen.

Listen, talk to me properly, right?

Give it to me properly.

You're a sucker.

You're a real sucker, dude.

You're a prick.

You don't even have the balls to give me your number.

You don't have the fucking balls.

Shut up!

If you're not coming to come see me, then shut up.

Hang on, Jen.

I want you to know that.

You're a real pussy, dude.

You're a real pussy.

Don't call my phone talking shit, man.

Don't call my phone talking shit.

You can't do nothing over the phone.

I'm giving you my address.

You want my address?

Don't give it to me.

Yeah, give it to me.

Yo, 98650 Moanalua Loop.

What?

I hear you.

96701.

Come see me, you fucking punk.

You understand me?

I understand you perfectly.

Call me when you're out front of my building.

I dare you to call me like that, partner.

Other than that, don't call my motherfucking phone.

No more, G.

You soft, nigga.

Yeah, all right.

I'm coming.

Yo, nigga, you soft.

While you're there, can you pick up Aristocat?

Well, let him give the address out, G.

He just gave out!

He interrupted one four times.

Is he in Hawaii?

Moana, Luoluo?

Well, yeah, he said like Moana, but he sounded

like local.

He sounded Negro.

He must have got a dream.

Especially when bootleg

videos came up and he said

I'm trying it down.

I've been hitting the motherfuckers with the numbers tonight.

That's funny, Jim.

I don't

got text.

Man, most of the numbers I've been coming up with tonight have been right on the fucking money.

I'll try them again.

Jim, talk to him again.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Ask him how to spell it.

Yeah, and ask him if he's got Lady and the Tramp.

You have reached the spring.

I'll give him a few seconds.

He'll answer in a little bit.

Yeah, give him a couple minutes, and then I'll outside his house.

Let him relax.

Well, you know, he's trying to represent my na-na-na-na-woo.

Well, he told you to call him when you're out in front of his house.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That'll be funny

Jed'll be like

I'm outside motherfucker

Just dirt you

Yeah

I could do it

I could really scream

Yeah

You could scream

Yeah

I could scream

I could tell him

You're out in front of his house

Run motherfucker

Run

Wow

Look what his car looks like

Yeah yeah

Google his car

Google his address

A black auto

Google his car

It's a black auto

Oh man

Alright

All right. Stolen min-pin dog.

$500 reward. Jumped out of van

while loading food from Walmart.

Oh, boy.

I could say that we were in the parking lot at the same time

and the dog bit us while it was running away.

And then we kicked it.

I was porking my wife in the car.

Bit me. Again.

Again.

The dog bit your wife in the ass.

Dog bit your cock.

I remember it was freaking me.

This one broad was blowing me

when I was waiting to go see Cabin Boy.

in the theater yeah you have the stolen min pin yes yeah i was in the walmart parking lot and uh

i was getting a blow job for my wife and this dog jumped into the car and bit me it's a it was it's

like a miniature doberman pincher how long ago was this a few days ago yeah so i kicked the

fucking dog and i don't know it's sort of like convulsing a little bit you got him well he's

He's not doing too good.

We put him in a laundry basket.

Did he have a tag on his neck?

Yeah, but we hocked it.

We took the tag off.

I got mad and I threw it away.

What's the dog's name?

Maybe I can ask and see if the dog responds to me.

Hello?

Yeah, what's the stupid dog's name?

His name was Tiny.

It was Tiny?

Yeah, and it wasn't a stupid dog.

Tiny.

He probably understood more words than you.

Tiny.

Yeah, it's wagging its tail when I say tiny.

Where?

Well, I can't tell you.

It's a secret location.

Did you want to meet at the Walmart?

Yeah, to bring the dog, yeah.

Well, you're going to bring the $500?

If it's her.

Well.

And if she's still alive.

Well, she's a little hurt.

She's got a broken leg that's kind of dragging back there.

Yeah, well, look at the dog bit me in the ass.

Dog's color.

Well, I had my pants down on my ankles in the front seat.

My wife was going, you know, like that.

and the dog jammed in the car the dog doesn't have permission to be inside my car and why did

you bring a dog to walmart anyway what's that about uh and my grandson opened the side door

and she got out and was putting the groceries in the car oh but you know dogs she goes she

she goes with us for a ride oh that's that's pretty stupid and your grandson's stupid for

opening the door like that right that part is stupid yeah we're bringing the dog to walmart

to be with us.

That's not stupid.

That dog's probably as smart as you.

No, that's probably stupid too

because the dog should be at the house

by itself

because now look what happens.

The dog ran...

Did you slap your grandson on the face?

We'll hire you at that point.

I hope you slap your grandson

for being stupid.

Yeah, I can meet you at Walmart.

All right.

And is it normal for us

to put cigars and cigarettes out on the dog?

Put cigars and cigarettes out on the dog.

Yeah, like after we're done smoking it,

we use it like an ashtray?

Not my baby.

No, hell no.

That was my child.

That's not just a fucking dog.

That's part of our family.

You might not be happy about this.

What if I dye the hair black, the dog's hair black?

You hear the dog?

Tiny, tiny, tiny.

I asked Tiny.

Tiny's responding.

See?

The color of the dog, you're looking at it.

Well, I just dyed the hair black because of all the ashes.

We just figured we'd make it one solid color.

Black with brown.

Yep.

All right, when are you going to be at Walmart?

Well, when are you going to have the money?

It's a little blue, too, because...

I've got the money in my goddamn pocket.

I ain't worried about that.

I'm worried about the dog if that's tiny.

What kind of condition?

What could people put him in?

Well, I mean, again, like I said, the dog jumped in the car and bit me.

I understand that.

So we taught it a lesson, and the leg got a little broken.

like when i went to pull the dog out of my car i grabbed it by the feet all right and it got some

we put some cigars right leg is broken uh yeah uh-huh that's from your kick well no when i grabbed

it out of the car it wasn't listening to me because they didn't know me i said you stupid

fucking dog like that i said and i grabbed it okay so you got him then her her what are you

saying who is it what is it a male or female you got it's a female it has a vagina yeah okay kind

Get a full-grown min-pen.

Well, I mean, as big as they get, yeah.

When are you going to be there?

How about you got 20 minutes.

20 minutes?

Okay.

20 minutes if you ever want to see the dog again.

Now, the dog's a little blue because we kind of dropped it in a chemical toilet.

I hope that's okay.

We're trying to wash it.

Yeah, we'll wash it off.

All right.

We'll be there about 10, 5, 10, 15, 20.

For 25 to 30 minutes, we'll be there.

All right.

Well, we'll see you then.

All right.

And no police.

What am I going to look for?

What kind of a car?

I'll be in a red van.

We're going to be there with the only car that has a dog.

We're going to be standing outside.

Now, are you going to bring cash or a check?

I'll bring cash.

It's cash.

I never deal in checks.

It's not counterfeit, is it?

We only take money.

We don't want any police involved, either.

there we don't believe ever we don't take discover though yeah i said i said it's cash regular

hundred dollar bills all right and we won't we won't we want 20s we want pesos i don't have 20s

well you have to go to the bank you get 20s you know no you get the no forget it forget we're

keeping the dog huh we're keeping the dog then oh fuck it keep it then well then 20s or no dog

i don't have 20 what the hell am i supposed to do there i know bank open this fucking late

Go to Walmart.

Come on, bro.

Wake up.

Go to Walmart.

Wake the fuck up.

Go to Walmart.

Watch your fucking mouth.

I want my part in pesos.

The ATM machine gives out 20s.

Well, I'll find out if I can get it at Walmart.

There's an ATM there.

Okay, and I want you to bring your grandson.

I want to have a good talking to him about why we don't do these things with the dog.

He's five years old.

He was touching the dog in the private parts, I think.

Hey, old man.

No, no, no.

That's what I got.

I don't know where you got that.

He said he was touching the dog in the private parts.

Come on, man.

Where did you get that from?

Why did you think the dog ran away?

It was a fucking scam, I think.

Oh.

The dog told us he was touching the private parts.

The dog said it was being abused sexually by the boy and it ran away.

Now, just to make sure this is the right dog, was your dog homosexual?

Because we found this dog humping another girl dog.

It's a lesbian dog.

That's a gesture.

All right, we'll be there in about 25 minutes.

All right, $600.

$10, $15, $20, $25.

$600.

$10, $15, $20, $25.

Make your mind up, man.

$600 in 20s.

I said $25 the first time.

Yeah, right.

$10, $25.

Okay, so you're going to come in 25 minutes with $20 bills.

$600.

Well, I'm going to have to go inside the store and cash them.

That might take 5, 10 minutes more.

I don't know if the hell you guys got against $100 bills.

I don't make money.

I don't trust $100 bills.

Listen here, I want $500 of $1 bills right now.

$500 $1 bills.

How about you bring us $400 and a bottle of Jack?

No, I don't even know where to get that stuff.

I'm not a drinker.

You don't know where to get it?

Just go to Walgreens or something.

I'll bring the $500.

You can buy your own Jack.

No, no, no.

I'll make it better.

Then I'll give you $20, then.

The problem is that I'm underage and I can't buy my own Jack.

So buy me some Jack and like a pack of cigarettes.

What we'll do is $300 and you blow me.

Do you have any weed?

No, I don't have any weed.

Oh, my God.

You sure about that?

Hey, you bring the jack or I'm touching the dog.

We're touching the dog now.

Wait, who's that talking in the background there, sir?

Let me talk to your wife.

What did she say?

I'm bringing you $500.

You know what?

Bring your wife, man.

I'm bringing you fucking $500.

No, no, bring your wife.

I'm bringing you $500.

If it's my dog, you've got $500.

Bring me $400 and your wife.

What's your cell phone number?

Well, you really wouldn't want that

because I'll cremate you fuckers.

Oh.

Yeah, I know exactly,

but I got really scared.

You ain't playing with no stupid dog.

Hold on.

We're Christians.

I'm just...

Hey, you're incriminating me, fucker.

Listen, right?

You get my father's dog or what?

You get the money.

What the fuck wrong with you?

Get your own fuckery with him.

Your grandson was masturbating the dog.

You know what?

Let's fuck, because you know what?

Keep him.

Kiss my ass, you fucker.

They don't really want the dog

She sounded Jamaican

I was like

She sounded Jamaican

That's Hawaiian

She was like

They could take it or leave it

They're like

You're trying to sell them

An Xbox game or something

I cremate you motherfuckers.

The best part is the grandson touching the dog in a private part, sir, ran away.

He's like, what are you talking about, the dog?

How do you know?

Tell me how you figured that one out.

How do you know?

The dog told us.

I liked your sound effects, Ken.

Was that Ken or was that Matt?

Matt, the thing you were both doing was a sound effect.

I was hearing Matt say it.

Yeah, see?

Okay.

Can't take credit where it's not due.

Can't shame on you.

Good job, Matt.

Who are we calling back?

Angela?

Or was it Angela?

Who are we calling back?

Yeah, Angela, because we wanted to get the...

The pictures.

Yeah, and we still don't have those.

So I want to, again, check the email address.

That little tease.

Let's give her a call.

I bet she looks good in sweatpants.

She's got to go to the website and submit it to the website.

Did you say she's in sweatpants?

I told her to take pics of sweatpants.

That's what I told her.

She looked good.

Nice big ass.

Sweaty ass.

You're funny.

Matt likes girls in sweatpants.

It's good.

It looks good.

I can get her husband pissed off.

Keep the fucking dog.

Keep the sweatpants.

Your call has been forwarded to...

I'll try again.

Do you have a call or ID?

Something comes up at random.

Milkman, did you repost that gas station?

Yeah.

All right.

I see.

Do you want me to repost it again?

No, no, no.

I got it.

The gas station.

The biggest gas station.

The biggest gas station in the country.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

Well, guess we missed out on those pics.

There goes the circle jerk.

Oh.

Sorry, guys.

Guess we'll be going to U-Porn instead.

That lady and her dog.

They had a special relationship.

That's a five-year-old kid.

Hey, can you shut that fucking racket off in the background?

Hello?

Hello. Yeah, you said earlier not to call back or something, that something was going to happen.

Did you report us yet?

What matter? Like, did you not get the hint? Like, why are you doing it?

No, that's why I'm calling again. Is your name Ernie?

No.

Oh, okay, you sound like Ernie.

So, no, I'm just wondering, what was going to happen?

Were you called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or what was going to happen?

There he's gone.

I called that black guy back.

Oh, DVDs. That's who it was you were going to call back. Yeah, DVD guy.

I'm going to tell him I'm outside his place.

That's right.

And we're still working.

I'm working.

I've got a lot of numbers.

I've got to get to Lysol.

Stole the trailer.

Lysol.

The coolest black guy name ever, Lysol.

Lysol.

Meet my wife, Formula 409.

Fantastic.

With a K.

Hello?

Yeah, it's Jin.

I'm outside, man.

Where are you?

Hello?

Yeah, where are you?

Huh?

I don't see you.

You're nowhere outside, brother.

What do you mean I'm nowhere outside?

I'm outside.

Where the fuck are you?

I hope you're getting paid for this, man.

There's got to be some type of prank show, because no man could really be this stupid.

What kind of sick idiot would do a prank call in there?

It just has to be a prank show, because no man could really be this foolish, dude.

Oh, why?

Because you're this big fucking...

Listen, listen, hold on a minute, right?

Even if you were this big fucking big show, right, and we're these prank callers, yeah?

He's the most as big, dude.

Have a good night.

This is KDK Prank Calls.

You're Mr. Tough Guy, you cunt.

This is KDK Prank Calls, bro.

I would have really...

Check our website.

I would have gone to his fucking house.

Meet the Finns, our website.

website yeah meat spins our website go to it blue planet prank call blue planet what blue

waffle.net prank blue planet waffle blue planet prank waffle the blue planet prank waffle show

oh boy um where are we at uk uk no no lysol first uk godfather you relax over there

we don't play i had enough for the uk for one night you hear that yeah do you know what

time it is. That's all we're going to get.

You know what it is, dude. Lysol.

Soul Trigger.

It's up on seven now.

Oh my god.

Sound of the cock.

No answer there. We'll give one more ring.

Come on. Nope.

We're losing the patient.

He's gone. Patient's gone.

UK Godfather, you sent in a number in the UK for missing

pets. UK Godfather.

What are you losing?

What happened, UK Godfather?

They have missing pets?

They had the pets or they're missing the pets?

The fun show.

It's the fun show.

They deal in missing pets.

They deal in missing pets, okay.

They're scammers.

I don't know if it works.

Do you think the guy's going to show up at the Walmart and exchange his $100 bills for 20s?

Ah, that old man.

Not after the wife got on.

Yeah, but just the fact that he has a whole lot of cash and he had these $100 bills laying around.

and he was like ready to go out.

He's like, I don't know what problem you've got with $100 bills.

Hello?

Hello? Missing pets?

Why are you breathing on the phone, you kiddo?

You're so stupid, man.

Why do you always do that?

What's wrong? You got epilepsy or something?

I call them.

He always does that shit.

God, you kill me.

Somebody was doing that the other day.

I used to do it and I didn't know.

When I was short, I was

talking about it.

Bye, Milkman. You're out of here. See ya.

That's not me now.

UK, stop it, UK Godfather.

I'm not breathing.

I hear you.

No, use the force.

Stop it.

Alright, use condom for sale. What? Seriously?

Yeah, for art purposes.

Expired.

Is it used, though?

Seriously?

Is it used or just expired?

It's soiled.

And expired.

Two horny boys for the Midland.

What? Got used rubbers on offer

posted direct to your door

discreetly.

Huge nice loads

for ten pounds.

Disgusting. Ten pounds including

postage.

I wouldn't possibly guarantee

that's a really semen in that thing.

That can't be legal.

Selling filled condoms.

Use condoms.

There's no way

Hey, he's fucking, whatever.

You could fucking clone him or some shit off that.

He doesn't want a little random post right now.

Is there a number on that, UK Godfather?

I'm looking at that page.

For sale, use spunk-filled condom.

Nice.

It's listed under sleepwear underwear category.

That's unbelievable.

That is horrible.

He said he's spunk-filled, so he's definitely in the UK.

Yeah.

Spunk, I don't think.

I don't see a number

were you just sharing that because you were interested

or what happened

I'm kidding

outdogging and collecting them

in the lodge

oh god there's like pictures they made of

cum everywhere

what the hell

I sent the cat

link

well thanks for sharing that UK Godfather

it was a good topic

good conversational piece at least

we got something out of that

Isn't that awesome?

It's probably wrong.

Too many whiskeys.

I'm looking at the list here.

Lonesome sent in a lot more numbers

that we can get to.

I'm seeing your comments about the homosexual dog.

Lysol stole the trailer. We tried that. They didn't answer.

I'm seeing your comments about the

homosexual dog.

Yeah, man.

I like how you just

rattled that off like it wouldn't even

anything. It's commonplace.

It's commonplace on this show.

Another day in the office.

Use the white devil voice on somebody

Oh yeah the white devil

The white devil voice

I got a shirt that says white devil

But ironically enough I spilled bleach on it

And wrote it

That's what you get

This is the bleach devil

Alright here's some

The last of the UK numbers for the night

I think we'll wrap it up after this

Even though I said I was going to wrap it up an hour ago

UK numbers

William Bennett here we go let's rapid fire

The extra white devil

Ken, I saw that. That's a good comment.

The bleach white devil.

You're going to take this one?

Oh, I did that.

That's nice.

What's the bottom of the song?

It's the white devil in your women's hair.

William King, here we go.

William King.

I love her sweet.

This is the white devil.

Hello, good morning.

This is Mr. King.

Yes, hello, my name is

This is David Hargrove. I'm calling with UK Water Ministry Machine.

You seem to be having a situation with the water in your area.

This is a courtesy call.

It seems that some local kids in the college nearby broke into the reservoir.

They were partying pretty heavily, and they were vomiting into the reservoir,

and some of them were actually urinating.

So the water is now unfit to drink.

Yes, where are you calling from?

Yeah, I'm calling from the UK water ministry machine.

We're calling from the call center in Chicago, Illinois.

We contract with the UK water ministry machine.

So we basically just get...

I think you are totally out of order.

I don't think so.

The toilet's out of order.

What time is it?

Sorry.

I guess I'm totally out of order.

Who wants a body massage machine?

The water has been contaminated by the white devil.

Hello?

Who wants a body massage?

Do you fancy a bum?

You've had some multiple bums.

Would you like a body massage machine in your house?

I'll install it for you.

Oh, yeah.

All right, let me just...

You know that last number you've got?

Let me try this on number 53, Overton Drive.

David Bennett, do you see that?

Yes.

All right, ring that number.

I'm going to do the same thing with the car,

because I think he...

I think I've got one.

The black car?

Yeah, yeah, exactly, the black car.

This looks a little bit dark blue.

I don't know if that's black or dark blue.

What's up, boys?

and don't don't interrupt you don't interrupt hello yeah mr bennett yeah mr bennett you drive

a black voxel vectra don't you yeah this is mr stewart your voxel vectra yesterday afternoon

was cruising along our ride and it hit me your car hit me yesterday afternoon

No, you're talking to the wrong person, mate.

No, it's totally not.

You're a fucking liar and a cheat, and I'm coming over there to kick your ass.

I haven't got a Vauxhall Vectra.

So why is it parked outside your house, then, you cunt?

I haven't got a Vauxhall Vectra.

What have you got, then?

All right, fuck it.

So how old are those pictures, I wonder?

I don't know.

Maybe too old.

2009.

Hey, Mano.

Fox asked that you call back that guy

and tell him that

the dog was put down

and find him in a dumpster

if he wants him

oh my god that's horrible

Fox asked me for that man

so I said alright I'll pass

I already told him no

he said pass it

alright let me see if I can find

tell him you gave the dog some bad weed

tell him your associate

Yeah, your associate already was dealing with him with some K2,

and next thing you know, man, the doctor...

Hi, this is Nick. I'm not available.

Leave a voicemail.

Wow.

How great is it to do it in your own voicemail?

It was such a long message that I had to pause.

What was next?

Hi, this is Nick. I'm not available.

He's on the way.

He's on the way, man.

Man, he's probably doing about 80 to get over it right now.

I can tell he was pretty shook up.

Do what now?

Gay dog will travel.

Alright.

Shit.

We didn't do Reveley.

We just did William King, right?

Yeah, no, we did Reveley.

Stobbs now.

William Stobbs.

Wrapping it up here.

Rapid fire, you fuckers.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

William Stobbs.

Oh, that's good.

I'm calling from UK Water Machines.

We have an issue with your water.

There's a university in town, and some gentlemen were vomiting.

They were having a party, and they vomited to the water reservoir.

The water is unsafe to drink.

Have you had any water to drink yet today?

No, I haven't.

We're still in bed.

Oh.

It's Sunday.

Oh, yeah, I know, but don't drink the water because you could get herpes and AIDS.

Yeah.

So don't drink any water.

Yeah, now, I need you to check.

Do you have any water in your toilet?

I have no idea. I'm still in bed.

I'll go and have a look.

No, it's fucking clean.

I'll ruin it.

Piss off.

No, piss in.

No, that's the issue.

You're taking the piss.

That's the issue.

Some college kids took a piss in the reservoir.

You're taking the piss.

No, we're trying to save you from drinking this water.

It's a great thing you got out of bed and went and flushed the toilet.

Incidentally, have you taken an upper decker before?

You're taking the piss now.

Piss off.

Did you ever shit in the toilet tank?

You piss off.

Just wind it in the up.

I'm going to have to ask you to piss in the tank for now.

Just wind up.

You're taking the piss.

after you got out

of your fucking warm bed

how many times did he flush the toilet

it was like flushing the whole time

massive flush

it was funny he was cooperating with you

and then the minute you asked him

that asked to be in the toilet

he immediately just went from 0 to 60

you're talking to a pest

get out of here

it's like he had an epiphany

he was being wound up

your toilet water browned

that wasn't at all suspicious

He gets to the bathroom really fast, too.

He's like, ran.

Oh, my God, the toilet.

Please leave your message

after the beep.

This is an answering machine.

I like Ken's idea

of calling back the DVD guy

with the white devil voice.

Alright, let me do these

UK ones and we'll wrap up with that.

Mr. Bates David. Mr. David Bates.

Hello? Hello, Mr. Bates, please.

Not here at the moment. Where is he?

Who's calling? My name is David Hargrove.

I'm calling with the UK Water Ministry Machine,

and we needed to talk to him about a serious issue with the water supply.

Where, sorry?

We're calling from the UK Water Ministry Machine.

We have a situation with the water.

It seems that some college students broke into the reservoir.

They were having a wild party, and some of them urinated.

I think a couple of them might have ejaculated into the water, and the water is now unfit to drink.

Can you please check your water to see if it's clear or cloudy?

You're wanting David back?

Well, whoever's the resident of this house, we're just passing on some critical information.

Are you wanting me where we work?

No, we're talking about the residential water service.

Listen, would you like to speak with my supervisor, Mr. Stewart?

He's standing by.

Aye. Mr. Stewart, can you please explain the situation?

Yes, hello? Mrs. Bates?

Yes.

Hello? Yeah, Mrs. Bates, yeah. This is Mr. Stewart.

I'm the National Administrator for the Water Administration Machine.

Now, you're on Watlington Road, yes? Watling Road?

Yes.

Right. The whole road has a problem with the water supply, okay?

Right.

So we need you to check if your water is on the same line.

Right.

So can you go and check that for us?

Yes.

Yeah, excellent. We'll wait while you do that.

How can I check the water?

Simply turn on the taps and wait for the color to change.

Yes, hello, yes?

Are you turning the tap?

Yes.

And what's the color?

Hello?

Oh, damn it.

She was doing it.

What the hell?

Maybe she hung up an accident.

I was going to say, she was going to say clear.

I would have said, yes, you idiot.

Of course it's clear.

I think she hung up an accident because she was doing it.

She's in heels.

You hear her?

She's in heels.

I can wind her up some more.

It's like she was in heels at 7 in the morning.

That's hot.

Hello?

Yes, Mrs. Bates, it's Mr. Stewart again.

I think we got cut off.

This is a hawk's call, isn't it?

A hawk's call?

No, ma'am, it's not.

We just received some additional information

that the college students may have had a small dog

with the name Tiny,

and the dog might have defecated in the water supply.

Hello?

The water's clear.

Of course it is, you idiot.

What did you turn it on for?

Is it Mr. Bates or Master Bates?

Oh, so, so, so, so.

Oh, shush, shush, shush.

Kill them all.

Burn them.

Burn them all.

Burn them all, Ralphie.

Okay.

Masturbates.

Okay, very childish of me.

We already did David Bennett.

Let's call him again, David Bennett.

All right.

I'm not doing anymore.

I've been up way too long.

I can't even concentrate.

Bye, loser.

Phone loser.

I'm still here.

I'm staying, but I'm not doing any calls.

Okay.

Winning.

Still here.

Oh, shush, shush.

You know, is that it?

You should do uh in your voicemail thing.

This is uh.

This is your captain speaking uh.

Ronald Peterson is looking for a stolen personal wallet.

My van was parked in front of my home in the southeast part of OKC.

That explains it.

Right, man.

I'll teach you to park your van in the southeast part of Oklahoma.

A band down by the river.

Down by the Oklahoma City River.

I bet you that's over there by the arena where the Thunder play.

That'd be my guess.

Just saying.

They always build those arenas in that part of town.

Well, let's try to get some income in there.

Niggatown.

Whoa.

Niggatown.

That's a bad town.

Hey.

I thought you liked it.

That one was for you, Matt.

Thanks, buddy.

Confidence is high.

What are you talking about, Ken?

Is there any of you guys in trouble with Norad again?

again yeah you might not be happy ted i did a call to norad on christmas you know hello hi how

are you that's good i was calling uh what was i calling about you remember that wallet we got

yeah the wallet we got a wallet and a purse okay yeah we found it inside a van okay yeah are you

do i smell bacon hello yeah do you smell bacon yeah are you the pigs you're gonna be cool about

it yeah i'm yeah you gotta tell us if you are or it's entrapment i was a cop wasn't it was not the

the cop? That was the cop. What an asshole.

It sounded like, right?

I smelled bacon, man.

Nah, he would have asked more questions.

He hung up and was like, oh, no, they're on us.

They fucking infiltrated

our elaborate booby trap

we set up on Craigslist.

Craigslist booby trap.

Alright, and last but not least,

I think all those panty numbers

were like traps to catch all the

perverts. Probably, right?

Or the 420-friendly one we had earlier.

That's a total trap.

That's not a bad idea, actually, to put up a fake ad

to get stupid people to call in.

That's a really good idea.

Yeah, welcome to three years ago.

Craigslist.

No, I mean, you may have done that over there,

but I'm going to do that over here.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

You guys have Craigslist UK?

There's that one new Gumtree.

No, no, I won't.

Yeah, exactly.

I was going to suggest that.

I was going to say Gumtree is full of stupid people,

so I could probably try that.

Yeah, there you go.

and let's uh we're doing the dvd guy and that's it see if he answers boys all right if i can

scrolling up here dvd in the bottom of something dude dude stolen min pin getting warm selling

dvds here we go all right last call of the night hey boys it's the devil boys uh we can all jump

in i can devil it up too yeah try it with the devil at the start all right well we're done

Well, thanks, everyone, for being on.

That was a thunderous end to a great show.

There you go.

All right.

Hillock, thank you, Mr. Matt, Laugh Track Matt.

Hey, it was actually super funny.

Thank you, LaughTrackMatt.com.

All right.

See you.

Well done.

UK Godfather, thanks for behaving tonight.

You only breathe into the microphone like four times.

Very good.

There you go.

Yay.

All right, good.

Now speak up.

That's what he's got to work on.

Ted Webb, BluePlanetPrank.net radio.

Planetprankwaffle.com

Planetbluewaffle.net

slash pranks

forward slash the internet

take it easy man, God bless you

you don't believe in God, never mind

I'm a heathen

bye

Kenneth, see you later

Ken, hey who won the

fantasy football league anyway

did Aaron win the whole thing

fucking dirty won it

he had a good season

I ended up taking eighth

but great show tonight

and fuck you all

and work with you and Aaron

give me a heads up when there's a copy of that

floating around I want to hear that show that I missed

when I was in the

hospital I was having a sleep study

he's supposed to be working on it

he recorded it all on Skype

I heard he sent me a copy of the intro

where he has me drunk talking about titty fucking bitches

that was pretty good and I laughed

when I heard that

there goes Ken alright Baz see you later

later, man. Thanks for cycling. Right, I'm out of here on my ass.

All right, out on your ass.

Jin, thanks, man. Good night. Yeah, wait a second.

Everybody, bear in mind

the third week of June

when I'm coming over to the

United States, and we will be doing

a Madhouse special. Together,

in person. Together, yeah, in person, yeah.

And we want to get as many people in as possible.

Definitely. We have plenty of time. We've got to make that happen.

What's up? Yeah, I'll probably try and come

on a little bit more until

then, but probably not every week. So, I'll

come on from time to time, as usual. Cool. All right,

man be careful driving all right right see you later see ya see ya milkman cheers cheers

all right milkman it's time wow look at that you were on skype the whole night actually

you're on skype the whole night not bad man it worked out sounded good yeah i just uh

yeah i'll tell you about it later oh i'm lucky i made it this far oh well you had a heart

Heart attack?

Chest pains?

I think chest pains.

Heart, small, son.

Bowel pains.

All right, well, take us out of here.

Yeah, bowel movement.

Sometimes I'll do that.

All right, man.

What an amazing show.

See, folks?

Special interest show.

Everybody showed up.

My goodness.

I'd like to thank everybody for showing up.

I'd like to thank Jen Stewart.

I'd like to thank especially our numbers hit man, the Lonesome Loser.

We had quite a few guests in there tonight.

And who else did we have on there?

Ted Webb.

We had some of our old friends show up in the chat.

I saw Brandon Vegas, Gabby Falls.

We had a bunch of our old friends.

And I'd like to really thank you for stopping by.

All our friends at 98.6 The Mouth.

And I'd like to thank all the listeners out there.

Friends over at the Syndicate, Cactus Radio, wherever you might be.

Thank you and happy Lucky 13.

And I'd also like to thank you.

That's right, our listeners.

We do this every week.

the most interactive show you can find right here

on the internet it's all free

that's right we drop the dime all we ask

you give us the time bring a friend

or better yet bring in your welcome right here

in the madhouse we got room for more

friends right here

what we do without our fearless leader

the generalissimo of the madhouse

hermanito man

thanks a lot man really appreciate it

great show man and really

thanks for the equipment I hope it works out

for you man god bless brother

thank you all on god bless

S-A-M-D, and the family, man.

Our hearts are with you, man.

Over to you, Hermanito.

Whatever.

All right, thanks, Milkman.

Thanks to everyone who sent the numbers, like Milkman said.

All the Requested Prankers, Ken, Lonesome, everyone else, even UK Godfather, I guess.

Not bad.

Yeah, show on Thursday.

Hopefully we'll get Thursday going on again.

That should be happening this week.

Yay.

All right, Milkman, you have a good night.

I'll try to catch up with you tomorrow, all right, sir?

Yes, sir, brother.

Bye.

Bye, everybody.

Good night.

Behave yourselves, guys.

Fuck your bitch, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Jurassic Pork – 1/5/13 Show

Calls (51, 1 h 57 min of 3 h 33 min)

Transcript

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