You Son of a Whore

Oakman, you dying? Stupid?

Oakman's gonna die. Yay!

I'm shiny. I'm gonna die tonight.

On air. Go ahead and

repair my grave.

Somebody, dig a hole and poop in it

first. Yeah, you should 69

with a dog before you die.

No, it has to be a horse.

It has to be a horse, my friend.

Gotta bring, yeah, we gotta bring

Ernie. Gotta bring Ernie.

You gotta get Ernie in on this.

You gotta call Ernie, yeah,

you're right. Alright, man.

Well, hey, guys.

Arn.

Services are needed, brother.

Your services are needed.

Everybody, I'm Carlito.

I'm the host of the show.

We're going to do a show.

Whoa, there goes the mic.

Now it's working.

We've got a show tonight here to do.

I say we get to it.

Got a lot of things to get to.

Request a prank's coming in.

Lonesome Losers in the house.

I'm all jazzed up, man.

Brad's sending in a request a prank also here about flowers, apparently.

apparently. A customer who called to complain about an order from Senda Flowers. Value call

about a sloppy arrangement. Okay. I'm confused. What happened? So a customer complained about an

order apparently from Senda Flowers. Probably Valentine's Day related. I have a complaint. I

got flowers for my wife and they didn't send her what I asked for. The picture was all nice. It was

was these tulips and they were supposed to be mixed with these blue flowers and they were really

nice and all she got was fucking tulips you just got the fucking tulips you know somebody intercepted

your order bro and she called me an asshole she said why was i so cheap and she took the tulips

and she hit me over the head with them oh man there was two somebody somebody intercepted your

order man i bet you right man probably one of them during pla uh clowns or somebody you know

Probably one of them Madhouse idiots.

Probably that Brad Carter guy.

He did it.

Bad Brad.

Let's see here.

Brad sends in a number.

It says, Carlos called complaining about a sloppy...

Oh, that's my number.

Wait a minute.

I'm kidding.

That's not me.

It's a South Florida number.

All right, so we get that to get to.

That'll be awesome.

Well, let's go into the world.

We got a new Pope coming in, man.

New Pope machine.

I got some ideas for prank calls.

We could call people named Pope in the UK. We've done that before when the Pope

I think we ought to bring out and revive father McWatters tonight

I think father recorder should make some calls the last time around when the Pope current Pope Pope Benedict

Visited the UK we prank called a lot of people named Pope in the UK and they got upset this time around we can tell

people named Pope that they're

Gonna be nominated

That'd be cool. I'd also like to call the Vatican lonesome

I don't know if you think there are any numbers in the Vatican we could prank call.

I don't know if they have telephones in the Vatican.

Oh, my Lord.

They have everything in the Vatican, bro, man.

They even got, like, the most advanced telescopes, everything, dude.

They've even got space vehicles.

Wow, man.

The Vatican's hooked up.

They got UFOs.

They got flying DeLoreans and everything.

They have satellites.

Yeah, they have satellites, dude.

Yeah, man.

Back to the future, though.

You know, a famous story, Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs, when they were younger, they prank called the Pope.

That's an old story. It's actually kind of a funny story.

He said it a thousand times, Steve Wozniak. I'm sure it's on YouTube in 20 different versions.

The Woz, he's cool, man. I saw some revolutionaries.

We've got this channel up here, like, you know, that has a lot of, like, Silicon Valley-like related stuff.

episodes like the pbs from that area like shows he's like ever once a week a couple times well

maybe a couple times a week revolutionaries of uh computers and science and technology

yeah and dude they've showed the waz they've showed uh jobs they've showed everybody man

and they had a really good interview with the waz man did they interview sonic the hedgehog

sonic the hedgehog no man i think mario brothers uh bumped him out man super super smash brothers

got it instead so that's cool all right i like the uh the hammer brothers are cool man they're

hard to beat man those hammer brothers they throw those hammers at you man you got to get under them

and hit the bricks under them you know don't mess with dragon wasn't i really like to man

remember double dragon yeah you know hammer brothers you don't mess with them when they're

on the bottom they have to make you have to make sure they're both on those on the bricks on the

top you know because if one of those hammer brother fuckers is on the bottom with you

you're fucked i gotta stay back until they jump oh no man you don't you don't want a hammer brother

for a power bottom then i guess no man and latiku like he too you know the guy that throws the

spiny fucking guys i hate that guy i hate latiku latiku i hate that i don't want the spike

man that sucks man he throws spiky dildos at you yeah and they chase you and everything is this

cloud is a little faggot on a cloud sucks man it's that painful yeah like he too i think i don't know

know uh what else happened no another prank calls we can do russia uh they had a meteor come in and

and killed it messed up but they didn't kill anybody but like a thousand people got injured

by this meteor that came in and crashed you know it was good it was funny look at us yeah man i

heard that some of them russians were like warming their hands up by this sucker man like if you

within like uh two feet of you could light a cigarette off of them they were like wow we can

can get power now we can get heat but what's really weird was that the cigarette the fire

on the you know on the tip of the cherry on the tip would glow green and it wasn't glowing the

normal red orange that's trippy man it's really spooky yeah man just the only within like you

know so many meters of it would the cigarette effect happen that's because of the boron in it

has boron boron cigarettes that's what they're smoking and then hey man what about uh here's

you know that crazy cop we talked about last week the cop that was killing all the people all the

police oh yeah man yeah they he is so lucky he didn't go up there in the mountains dude they

caught him for sure if he was stupid enough to go up there man they might burn him out so basically

even that man you know man you know remember what i said dude that guy is no way be that stupid to

go up there man i knew that he'd never catch him so today they came out and they say well they

They shot him in the head.

He shot himself in the head.

That's what they say.

He shot himself in the head.

I'll bet you the caliber is definitely service revolver rated, 9mm at least.

I bet you they shot his burnt body in the head after they fucking torched the place.

Well, you see, they just put it on the outside microwave, man,

and somebody took a shit in it, and there you go, man.

There he was.

if yeah you know that's probably what happened that dorner guy he took a shit in the microwave

and turned it on and it fucking he was like this well the whole day i was on the outside there was

there was this one scene i didn't see it again only when it actually happened on live feed on

cnn they put right over top of it you know they wrote it right on the side or side of it said

microwave a man a microwave man and then there he is inside of there man a big shit he burned

he had his ass in the microwave they found him with his ass inside the microwave um yeah but

anyway well when i when i saw when i heard the news i didn't watch it live but when i saw the

tweet come out that the cabin was on fire i was like that's waco all over again it's like that's

waco texas all over again they just went there that guy was crazy up there wacko man for sure

Sure, really.

But, hey, here's a prank call related to this.

Our good friend Captain Janks from the Howard Stern Show prank called CBS

in the middle of the big conclusion to this manhunt.

Let's take a listen to that, Milkman.

It's about 44 seconds long, this prank call.

Yes, sir.

Guy, I love Captain Janks.

Fish and game official, is that correct?

He made the initial spotting of Christopher Dorner.

We called law enforcement.

It was confirmed at the fire who it was.

We don't know at this point.

We believe it was Ronnie the limo driver firing at Mr. Donner,

and we believe that he hit him.

And, Mr. Tyler, you say Ronnie the limo driver?

Yes, ma'am, Ronnie the limo driver, Ronnie Mund.

He was on his way to a block party, and he got caught in a fight-out.

And it's your impression that one of the Fish and Game wardens

was the first person to spot Christopher Donner?

Dumbass, you still don't know that this is a prank?

All right, apparently.

There you go.

So that's a prank call by Captain Jax.

Invoking Ronnie the limo driver.

I love the way he beats around the bush, man.

Those kind of calls are great.

Yeah, Ronnie the limo driver.

Okay, that's Howard Stern's limo driver, who also moonlights as a security.

But there you go.

Pretty good stuff.

All right, well, let's get to some prank calls,

and let's see what Big Lonesome has here for us.

We got some Indian restaurants here.

that's good uh we got the shat house that's one of the indian indian places we got the vatican

switchboard here there we go that might be fun oh wow yeah man whoo and we got some greek

restaurants also got a lot of stuff to work with there um uh let's see what else we got here and

a request to prank also let me burn some of these requests to pranks real quick got someone then

that came in earlier tonight msg3

played a significant number

i got the ms3 man and sent one in

is that the one with the shish kebab

uh no

well this is duck parts what is this

now yeah

so what happened

a small freezer with

animal parts was stolen from carolina's

animal hospital oh my

god uh

the doctor regrets making

police report after

the report stated the cooler had

had $600 worth of dog parts

on a stick and cat parts

on a stick.

The truth is, the doctor says they were

cat-over-specimens used for practice

teaching of oral

dental surgery.

Alright, that's crazy.

So what happened? People are presuming that

it's cat removed.

So people think it's dog on a stick

and cat on a stick? Oh, man.

The doctor says she doesn't

know where the officer got the body parts

and a stick description.

uh and uh she's making sure people know the real story of what was in the cooler

i guess people are starting to presume that she was making animal shish kebabs oh man some stupid

club yeah they got uh they got a cat and dog on a stick there got stolen six hundred dollars worth

six hundred dollars worth jesus okay all right well let's see if she answers this is a veterinarian

who had her if they fit prepare that dish yaki neko she had her dog and cat shish kebab stolen

on here see if they'll prepare that dish yaki neko what's yaki neko what style is that

that's the grilled cat meat oh nice is that korean no it's japanese word

it's grilled meat yeah for uh i didn't know japanese grilled meat neko's yaki no

yaki neko instead of nikku it's a japanese joke never mind yeah all our japanese listeners are

howling this call is not going through i'm gonna try it again man that's crazy

what's the best dog to eat i say a pit bull they look they're nice and tough you know

they say the white dog is the best man why why would you even know that i was just kidding

hello this is your message at the tone one two three three one two three hi i'm calling for

For a doctor, the veterinarian, this is a problem that I'm having with my dog machine.

If you could please call back.

Thank you.

If something comes up on the caller ID, maybe they'll call back.

We got Ken sending in a few one-bedroom apartments.

These are always fun to mess with also.

We got a two-bedroom apartment.

Barry's looking to share his bedroom with a female.

Very creepy.

Another person.

See, I just don't understand.

Are people that desperate these days financially that they're needing to spend the space, you know,

where you've got one bedroom and you're just going to share that with somebody?

Maybe I'll get, you've got to see if Cross can get in on that.

Rafael, the 23-year-old, 420-friendly Latino, is looking for a roommate to share his studio apartment.

He's out of hell, man, you know?

Just let me be your pillow, you know?

Dude, Rafael doesn't even have a one-bedroom apartment.

He's got a studio apartment, which is just like a box, right?

Studio apartments don't even have a bed.

a bedroom right it's just one space kitchen's in the corner right the bed goes in one side

in the middle studio apartments just just a freaking room a big room not even a big room

shit and a few more of those that ken sent in we got more requests to practice we'll get to

these throughout the night um in the meantime take a look at this vatican switchboard let's

see if this works on skype i don't see why it wouldn't and says it'll i guess it will

try it later um that sucks no answer there oh hey real quick let me play one of these

these voicemails milkman did you hear those voicemails i forwarded over to you during the

week i afforded voicemail you and jen yeah you did i don't know i didn't realize that oh my

goodness i missed out man tell me about tell us about it this is from the turkish horse after our

show last week where he uh he thinks he figured out how to trace madhouse uh he left a whole

bunch of weird freaking voicemails uh calling me out here's one let me share this one with you

you guys he he rambles in arabic or turkish or whatever it is for a while then he starts cursing

oh i did hear that he did babble for a long time and he was like having a

seance or something dude got possessed there for a little bit check this out

there you go so more of that here's another one this is a little longer

but he goes off about how he's gonna fuck my wife i think you get his vibrator on his ass

The whole motherfuckin' wildlife

Like big, homogenous chickens

Dude was really gettin' it

He was possessed there for a little while, man

Speakin' Latin and tongues

Hell, man, he was

Yeah, he was enthralled, man

He was religious ecstasy

Ecstasy from ecstasy

Here's another one

I think he's his nigger and he's his bitch at the end.

You were talking over it.

I'm sorry.

That's not Trojan, dude.

I heard you say Trojan.

Well, how about, I wonder if we get another Turkish restaurant,

we should call them and just play that.

Yeah, patch it.

There you go.

turkish mafia connection turkish mafia here let me call a greek restaurant and play it they

probably won't understand but it'll be funny because it's greek they might yeah anybody from

eastern europe kind of knows most of those languages a little bit at least the worst

part we'll be quiet while i do it then hang on all right we should call that ball game

she'd probably go and kick his ass

her shit is too loud that's the problem over there bitch i couldn't hear him at all all i

heard was her stuff yeah i heard was her stuff too here's a different one uh can you like patch

him direct in no no you guys don't mix in okay it's got to mix in dude come on what do you think

this is i don't know how your setup is i'm just

oh it's funny yeah well we need to get that translated too i gotta i don't know anybody

speaks turkish though that's something we got to work on also you know getting that all translated

lit it up. See what all that means.

He says a whole bunch of shit.

Erbil made a good point

in the chat. Germany has a lot of

Turkish, but speak English

is the real question.

I can't hear you. This is Daphne

Samateo.

Very effective, man.

Very effective.

That one works.

That one works because that voicemail in particular is loud, so it works.

Oh, wow.

You know what?

Call him back with his own voicemail later or something.

That'd be funny.

Well, we used to have his home phone number, but we lost it.

Wait until we get in on the line, then we'll fuck with you.

Need some, Mattel?

Good Lord.

Car car is fucking right now.

That's not bad in the soundboard, man, because you can just play the call, man.

All right.

Let's call Turkish Kitchen with it.

Oh, yeah.

Let's try that.

Even though they know the number now,

so either they're not going to answer

or they're going to be expecting it.

That's all right.

Let's just see if they'll answer.

If you get an answer, answer.

They're going to add this to their lawsuit.

No, they hung right up.

That sucks.

I was going to say, they got our number, man.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Yeah, whoever it was listened for a little while

and hung right up.

That sucks.

Oh, that's funny.

Alright. Okay. Well, there

you go. That was fun. Here's a Vatican

number here. Angelo Sodano,

Cardinal Secretary of the State

of Vatican. Alright.

Let's get some answers here from the Vatican

machine. Who's cock are you sucking?

Call the dewdrop

pit and play that.

Yes, hi. Is this the Vatican

Cardinal, please? Hello?

Dammit! You hung up.

I'm up.

Well, I probably woke him up.

no hello god damn it hello god damn it this is the goddamn vatican god damn it

damn it someone's listening over there but they're not doing anything

this is the problem we're trying to translate it right now the goddamn vatican god damn it

hello yes hello yes i have harry henry kissinger on the line hello fuck they don't want to talk

we'll try the uh switchboard here again now then instead yeah you can hear the tapes

tape man the hissing of the tape uh they were that was that was burning they were burning the

uh catholic incense man exactly you know they get that little that little snifter thing they

swing around you swing it back and forth on the chain yeah man yeah what do you think that hat's

for man you can put you can put your weed in there you know yeah good stacks ah piece of

a shit switchboard doesn't answer the fucking phone okay that would have been cool to speak

to the cardinal that sucks he didn't answer man i really needed to speak to that cardinal

well call the ravens instead i guess they won man so you don't need to talk to the cardinals

if you can get a raven instead call the patriots yeah or any bird team for that matter the buzzards

the vultures, eagles.

The eagles.

The eagles suck.

The robins, the orioles.

Call the colts.

The colts suck, too.

Yeah, the sparrows.

All right, here's a one-bedroom apartment to share for $450.

How do you share a one-bedroom apartment for $450?

Oh, God.

$450 for a shared room.

Right.

I'll give you a discount.

Hey, big guy, how you doing?

Wonderful.

How can I help you?

Oh, so I hear you're looking to share a one-bedroom apartment?

Correct.

All right, and it's $450, and that throws me off a little bit because that's a lot for sharing a room.

What is included with that machine?

It's included in it.

In the machine?

It's not a one room. It's a living room and a bedroom.

Okay, so it's a two-room apartment.

Correct.

Two rooms, living room, and then the kitchen. Where is it, outside?

side uh no it's a one bedroom unit so the whole thing is all in one and how many kitchens are

there there's only one kitchen all right and does it have microwave all right okay and then

where would i sleep in the bed then i get the bedroom or what do i get yeah you can have the

bedroom that's fine with me and where are you going to sleep the living room did you want to

sleep in a bed like in the bedroom also we could you know bunk bed i have a bunk bed

No, I mean, there's two rooms.

There's no reason to do that.

Well, you don't want to maybe, we could, you know, sleep in the bedroom together,

and it's bunk beds, you know, you could be...

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me call you back.

I've got people knocking on the door.

God damn it.

Let me call you back.

Hurry up.

Or whatever.

He ain't going to call back, Milkman.

Fuck, man.

Dude, that was a blow.

Bitch.

See if he'll give you a discount on my performance.

I might give you changes clothes for a week.

Changes clothes?

Yeah.

Brush his hair, bathe him, or something.

Or shower him.

Thank you for calling.

Please leave a detailed message along with a phone number where you can best be reached.

Thank you.

At the tone, please record message.

message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for more options

that's a nice voicemail i just left for home there all right what the fuck are you doing

who's cock are you sucking on that guy man i tell you how does he keep getting in our line

man he keeps cutting in on our calls he's he's uh tracking us down dude it's all i do yeah

Yeah, man.

Guy's got technical expertise here, man.

He cracker land.

All right, here's John.

He wants to share his one-bedroom apartment for someone.

Yeah, is this Jonathan?

Yeah, how's it?

Oh, this is Cross.

I was calling about this one-bedroom that you're giving away.

One-bedroom apartment.

Oh, I'm not giving it to you.

All right, you want a roommate.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

Oh, your phone is a piece of shit.

What is that?

Your phone is a piece of shit because it comes in and out.

Who's that?

Your phone.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can I call?

God damn it.

All right, I'll call you back, asshole.

He went to say shit or something.

All right.

Now he probably won't answer.

That was stupid of me.

Here we go.

What's he saying?

It's not going through?

Not enough Skype credit.

Oh, I'm out of Skype credit.

I got to get Skype credit.

What a shit.

Okay.

All right, Milkman.

We'll have to play a prank call.

We'll have to get Skype credit, Milkman.

Oh, hell, man.

The infiltrator network, man.

Man, I think High One attacked us, man.

No, I just had to buy credit, man.

He deleted your credits.

He deleted your credits from your account, man.

Take it easy, all right?

You just got to buy credits.

That's it.

It's not a big deal.

I checked your account earlier, man.

It was full, man.

I don't know, man.

This guy's really crafty.

Well, I don't know.

You're the one that's in charge of, you know, making sure there's plenty of credits there.

So, I don't know.

Anyway, here's a prank call with Jack Masters and Milkman's favorite character based off of Milkman.

I'll be back shortly.

Thank you.

What do you mean? Didn't he just mail it to you?

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, hi.

Can I use your address?

I want to make a takeout order, please.

A what?

I want to make a takeout order, please.

A go order?

No, yeah, it's a takeout order.

Takeout. Okay, hang on just one second.

No, a takeout order.

A takeout order, yeah.

Pick up.

Pick up?

Pick it up.

Okay, hang on. I'll be right with you.

All right, thanks.

Okay, what would you like to have?

Listen, I want the special. I wanted three of the specials, please.

I'll pay for the oranges. That's okay.

What?

I'm faithful to orange juice, and then I wanted three to freeze pretzels.

Oh, they're not free now.

It ended at 2 o'clock this afternoon.

Yeah, well, it said it was from 6 to 2.

Yeah, 6 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon.

It says here 6 p.m.

I'm not faithful.

I wrote it down because Oprah was talking about it, and she said 6 p.m.

No, it's 6 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon.

It's all over with now.

Now, listen.

I'm here to pray this simple.

I'm not faithful.

Oprah said it was from 6 to 2 today and I stayed up hang on I'm gonna let you

talk to 730 she's refusing to take my order I want a carafe of juice and three

specials it's between 6 and 2 Oprah said it on the TV yesterday from 6 to 2 it

was gonna be free and everyone was clapping from 2 p.m. to 2 p.m. in the

afternoon no no no that's not what she said she said absolutely true i listen i slept in and made

sure i got up early at six come in now i took a shower and everything the nurse left and now i'm

gonna get trying i already ordered the transportation to take me because i'm in a wheelchair they have

to come special from the county to come take me because i'm on disability okay sir it was from

From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. this afternoon.

That's already over.

It's already right now.

2 a.m. morning.

Ended at 2 p.m.

Listen, I don't know if you know what is mandatory that you're supposed to have the sale today,

because that's what Oprah said, that that...

Okay, we ended 2 a.m.

2 p.m., it's already, it's 2 p.m. is how long from now?

It was 2 p.m.

That's 19 hours from now, is 2.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes.

This morning, this morning.

Why?

Please, sir, just take my order.

I want a carafo juice to go with three specials.

I think what I'm saying, it was done.

This is not, this isn't fair.

Well, let me speak to the manager, please.

You are.

No, is there a man I can speak to?

You're in charge.

Sure, because you're going to make me call,

what is the manager, the store manager,

big manager come in?

He will be here tomorrow morning.

Listen, that's not fair,

because then it's after two,

and I can't get the specials anymore.

But he's after two.

No, it's not.

It's 739, my clock, and it's tied to you.

Okay, do you understand that it is 9 p.m.?

Exactly, and it's over at 2 a.m.

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not.

It started 8 a.m. morning five and a half hours ago.

Listen, I made, I slept in because I was going to come in.

I'm sorry.

This is unfair.

I've been out, and I waited all day, took a shower and everything,

and my transportation is going to be here.

in about five minutes okay well i'm sorry i can cancel and there can do about oh listen i was

gonna order a craft for orange juice that was gonna pay for that because i didn't want you

people to say that i was there for charity i don't accept charity okay it's not before your charity

sir i don't first it's not charity sir and just listen i'm sorry i'm looking at the papers i'm

I'm looking at the sales here.

PM.

What was it?

What was the special?

You put me down for one special?

No, I cannot.

The sale, it ended.

I can put you down for one, but you'll have to buy it.

How much is it?

$5.99.

How much is the craft for orange juice?

Um.

Eat.

To go.

We don't have.

No, wait a minute.

Can't you sell me the craft?

I can order.

I can't take it with me?

What's happening?

No.

No, you can't.

Orange juices are in it.

I don't know.

How much is the craft if I drink it there?

Okay, it's ready, Milkman.

Hold on a second.

And I farted also on the phone.

Damn, man.

Jack had some gas, didn't he?

I was just busting one.

You heard me?

I love Jack.

I was like...

Like that.

I said...

He's so heartbroken, man.

He's so heartbroken.

Let's end that course.

Okay, anyway, let's be serious now.

All right, man.

Get the mic out of Chloe's butt.

Okay, let's call Jeannie Bra.

That was Chloe's snoring, really?

I can't believe that shit.

They're calling for the Genie Bra.

The Genie Bra is the ultimate in comfort for a bra.

If you're interested in purchasing a Genie Bra but have a question about our sizes,

please press 1 to hear more information about sizing.

If you want to place an order for the Genie Bra, please press 2.

Before I transfer you, I need to know if your shipping address is in the U.S. or in Canada.

For the U.S., press 1.

Hello, and thanks for calling to order your Genie Bras.

My name is Janice, and for quality assurance, the call will be recorded.

May I continue?

Yes.

Thank you.

May I start by getting your first name, please?

This is Cross Lopez.

Can you spell that first name?

C-R-O-S-S.

L-O-P-E-Z?

Yes.

Hello?

Yes, I say yes.

Okay.

Hey, and today with our exclusive offer, you will be receiving six Jeannie bras for just

This is three payments of $19.99 with free processing and handling.

And you do get to choose.

You can choose from our original genie bras, where you get black, white, and nude.

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We have our pastel collection, where you get powder blue, heather, and barely pink.

Our neutral collection, where you get twilight blue, rich cocoa, and warm plum.

Did you know which set you wanted today?

Well, I understand it says genie bra is the most comfortable.

What does it say?

That it's the most comfortable bra for a woman?

Yes, sir.

What I found more comfortable is to take the bra off and let the breasts be exposed to the air and let them bounce.

You know what?

I think you're a little old for this.

Not only is the call recorded, but your telephone number with the 661 area code is also recorded.

Please don't call back.

I don't give you permission to record this.

i had to give her permission to record this she got me there how does i don't have a 661 area code

stupid woman well retract retract permission retract i retract permission i am kind of old

for this guys you know me you know we are kind of old for this aren't we milkman i don't know

about you man like i'm only 87 this year and nino is uh 97 shitty boy carlito there he's barely

even 27.

A young whippersnapper-ish.

You've got to think about what she said here. We are kind of

old for this. I don't think we should really be doing

this anymore, man. I didn't graduate

from high school.

He failed 9th grade.

Anyway, let's end the show, man, because it's

too old for this.

Alright, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. We'll catch you next week.

Alright, then. Monkey chimes.

You hear him, man. The Armanito.

Alright, we'll stay. We'll stay.

Alright, talk this into it.

The Armanito. Yeah!

Yeah, he's going to come back on air.

Are you convincing me?

We're not too old for this.

She's too old for that.

Oh, God, yeah, she is.

You heard her say that.

You're an abuela voice, man.

You don't want to call out what the...

My abuela voice?

I don't think I have...

I don't like doing that, man.

Oh, yeah, that's back there.

I just thought it was cute.

I don't like doing it anymore.

It makes me sad.

Yeah, no, that's...

We got plenty of comments here, man.

No, we're not joking.

It's serious.

All right, Andy Willis.

He doesn't even mouth.

I mean, I guess a few of them are convinced that you were wearing one of these bras.

That's not nice that I'm wearing one of these bras.

Andy Willis, I don't know how to knock you out.

Oh, knock you out.

I don't wear bras.

Anyway, let's continue with the show.

That's what?

Let's see what else we got here.

Let's see what Lonesome sent in.

Not a lot of numbers from Lonesome here since his last cardinal number.

or maybe he's working hard on some vaticans uh but we'll call uh we'll call the indians instead

what the hell child guard panda a transmitter that a kid wears that he used is used to track

them be funny to pretend you think it's an actual panda bear that will guard your kid

this is in guam camera in it you know all right let's call it little microphone cuts on you know

you know like you better put that down i'm gonna beat your ass panda bar panda bear kick your ass

Yes, man, panda bear will kill you if you let it.

We have a nightmare about panda for the next six weeks.

Nissa, you have a panda bear that will protect my child?

Hello?

Yes, you have a panda bear that will protect my children?

What?

You have a stupid panda bear?

Hello?

I don't understand what you're trying to ask me, sir.

You have child guard panda.

Oh, the child guard panda, yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, so how much is it for the panda bear?

Did you find the other chrysalis?

Yeah, yeah, because I deal in animals like that, endangered animals.

I give them, like, there's a Mexican drug lord in Miami who's looking for a panda bear, an actual panda.

So I could, you know, if you want to sell me your panda, I can give it to him.

He has a lot of pythons and rare snakes and stuff.

Are you talking about those safety things for the children?

Yeah, the child guard panda, yeah, because I'm going to tell him that I got a panda that he can have,

and it will even protect his children from the Mexicans.

there's this colombian cartels after his kids they said they were going to kidnap his children

so he wants a panda bear one he wants a illegal panda so he can have the panda bear from china

and then the panda is also trained to protect the child so then when the colombians when the

colombians come the panda will attack and kill the mechs the colombians uh sir the one that

Let me ask you, did you find this out at Craigslist by any chance when you asked me?

Yeah, yeah, I was looking for animals, poaching, animals for poaching.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't, no, no, no.

No, I'm selling here a child of panda, which is the safety thingy for a child.

Yeah.

It's an alarm thingy, it's not a real panda.

Oh, don't be afraid.

Look, I deal with poachers all the time.

I have a poacher in Uganda that I get giraffes from, and we bring the giraffes over,

and we masturbate the giraffe on videos and we sell the videos we masturbate zebras and giraffes

i'm sorry sir but i don't sell any pandas i'm selling the uh you know the one from the uh

security systems oh you know it's a it's electronic thingy it's a safety thingy

can you masturbate them no no no no oh do you have any animals other animals that we can

masturbate on on the video for people to watch sir look i'll pay you a lot of money well he

He loves masturbating giraffes and zebras.

Right.

He isn't going to answer now.

Okay, here's an Indian food.

Let's get some Indian food, you know?

Let's order a banchu, and maybe that'll turn this ship around a little bit.

Milkman, huh?

Gondu.

Little gondu banchu never hurts.

Might turn us around a little bit here, because...

Gondu, fuckers.

This show's in the toilet.

Herbal is talking about gawking at a horse fucking a potato sack.

What?

Yes, hi, I'd like to make an order for Indian food.

Yes, sir, what do you want?

Oh, the Indian food, yes.

I'd like to make an order.

Okay, yes, sir.

I'd like one chicken tikka masala.

Do you have that?

Masala?

Yes.

Can you hear me good now?

Do I sound better?

Hello?

Yes, do I sound better now?

Sorry, sorry, no.

Your voice is not...

Are you stupid?

Please, sir, why?

You want chicken tikka masala?

Yes, chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala, okay.

Do you have papadums?

Sorry?

You have Papa Dom's, but um, yes, okay one order of Papa Dom's. Okay, do I sound better now?

Okay, no, no manager one ban shoot one. Is it also one bunch of ban shoot?

Okay, okay one whoo. Okay. Yeah one gun do

Gun do

Shit on your mother. I don't know milkman. Can you not hear me dude?

You're like, I don't know, was you fucking with that guy because you switched to, like, the camera mic or the room mic there, like, that one time in the middle of the call, and then you came back on, you was like, kind of like earlier before you switched to that, you was kind of a little away from the mic, and then when you came back on to that studio mic, then you was really loud, but I think the call quality might have been down.

I was muted.

I think so, too.

What about now?

How does it sound now?

It's normal.

I don't know.

No, I thought you were just fucking with him.

Like, I don't know why you did that in the room.

I thought maybe he was walking around or something.

I don't know.

I was like, I can't see the camera, so I don't know what he's doing.

Well, I was trying to fix it because he said he couldn't hear it right.

How did your driver get switched?

Oh, I switched manually.

Because I heard the room mic.

Manual.

Damn it.

I switched it manual.

Okay.

I heard you were going on cordon some shit there for a second.

You were taking long in the journey.

All right.

Shut up now.

Yeah, you said to hang up the phone and connect the phone, repeat the phone.

Yeah, it's a good one.

Okay, one is a tikka masala?

Yeah, one bhenchod.

One dal soup, okay.

No, one bhenchod.

One is a?

Bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Is it bread again?

Bhenchod.

Are you okay?

One is a dal soup.

No, no, bhenchod.

B-A-H-N-C-H-O-D, bhenchod.

Dalsoup.

What about gandu?

Bhenchod.

Uh-huh, carpaccio?

Garbanzo bean.

Uh-huh.

Okay, sir.

All right, Bolivia.

All right, big balls big balls big balls. Okay. Yeah big fat pussy

Yes, hi, we're making an order and that idiot doesn't know what I'm saying

One banjo

And one did you get the banjo

Yeah, yeah, Gurbansus.

Yeah, tomato soup.

Okay, sir, you have ordered one chicken tikka masala, one dasoo, one...

Okay.

God, fuck that guy.

Milkman, fuck him.

Fuck him and his bunch.

He's not playing along at all, dude.

He was playing the non-passive act there on his fucking bass nugget.

He does like my dad does.

I was telling you to stick him to the Turkish guy and let him finish.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

My dad, when he wants to act like he doesn't know what you're saying to him in English,

he goes, uh-huh, uh-huh.

That's what he does.

I know.

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh he knows what you're saying he knows what you're saying

he does that shit all the time he thinks he's smart like i've seen well dude i've seen a

well man yeah all the time was growing especially like you know like the older people right because

they you know they don't know english you know a couple few words you know and definitely the

the bad words no i was a senior in high school we went to a chinese buffet and like my dad was like

i'm not leaving a tip because we know you had you had to go get your own food and all she did was

bring drinks i'm gonna leave a tip i'm like all right so we go and we pay and then the manager

this chinese guy he went up to my dad weren't relieved and he goes good customer leave tip for

waitress and my dad goes uh-huh yeah uh-huh uh-huh you're so stupid man he's like yeah uh-huh like

you didn't understand them like that's nice honey kind of thing yeah well fuck that i tip a dollar

and that's it i don't see if and that's that's if they get the drinks if they get me more than

one drink if they bring me i hate getting tips man really man sometimes i tell them just keep

it man really i didn't deserve it tangerine night yes i'd like to make an order okay what would you

like to have one bunch hood what one bunch hood i have your number here on the caller id sir

well yeah can you put the order for me please idiot what

she didn't seem to appreciate that i don't know there was some cross distortion there

it almost sounded like a curse hang on hang on hello

Hello?

Jeannie, right from the beginning, she's like, fuck that guy.

Do you have a problem with one of your cables or anything?

Like an audio cable?

Because I heard the hum come up.

No.

No, all my cables are good now, man.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm sorry, honey, but the lady got mad at me.

I don't know what happened.

So what do you want?

Do you want to order something?

Yeah, my friend, he said to put an order for Indian food, and the woman, she called me an idiot.

I don't know why.

Why did she say that?

No, what you want, you order.

What you want, you order.

One chicken tikka masala.

Uh-huh.

One bhenchod.

Uh-huh.

Is that your same thing, your sister?

You fuck to her?

It's okay?

Hey, listen, man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm just making an order.

No, you, you, hey, hey, motherfucker.

You listen to me.

You, this is the business.

You're...

I have your num- I have your number, so I'll give it to-

Kiss my penis. Kiss my penis. Kiss my penis.

I- I- I call you back, I- your number and I'll-

Fuck you.

Give you the police and- hold on, motherfucker.

Asshole, motherfucker. I'm blocking my number, asshole.

Son of a dog. Go fuck a dog. Wow.

Wow.

I throw my shoe at you.

Oh, man.

Kiss my penis.

Wow, he got pretty upset there, that gentleman.

I don't know what's his problem.

Let her teach him that.

I don't understand what the problem is.

I'm just making an order.

I know.

I think they have something against the Americans.

Hello?

Hello, Gondu?

Ulu Kapata?

Hello?

Oh, hanging right up now.

That guy was pretty funny, dude.

I definitely want to hear that one again.

Yeah.

We'll have to use that again, man.

Take that little sequence, man, and, like, fire that out there and, you know,

and get the Turkish guy kind of, like, on cue.

That'd be hilarious.

There you go.

Shit.

Oh, okay.

All right.

He said when he went off, it sounded like one of these Indian music things

that I got here.

uh let me see if i can find which one it is though it would take me a while to figure out

which one is which maybe it's the melee let's see if it's this one he went into this curse here that

i've heard before well not the melee the good the bad and the chutney my guru ganji's a gogo

like that he did that no he said no no no no he's a gun dude no he said something else let's see if

Listen real closely.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a gandu.

I gotta find it.

It's on one of these here.

Listen to that beat.

It's repetitive.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a gandu.

Shh, shh, shh.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a gandu.

Are you a daily friend?

That's not it.

I wanna, I wanna do the acid.

I gotta get some sample.

I want you guys to hear it

to see if you agree with me

that it sounds like it,

but I don't know which one it is.

Gandu?

Milkman, for the love of God,

it's not gandu.

Oh, forget it.

i can't find it all milkman's in there saying gandhi because that's so funny here we go

that's what it sounded like to me that's what wow now you know you could like

roll hitler right after that like a whole little sequence there would be beautiful

that's exactly what that guy is i think he said some of that part right there whatever that was

That shit that that Indian guy said in that song

Right there, that intro to that song

That guy said some of that shit

Damn it, call him back and play it

Hello, asshole

Mr. Penis

I was hoping he'd at least say on

I gotta play that for him

Oh well, we'll keep going here

We'll do the next one

Here's the shathouse where people shit

There we go

Chat, C-H-A-A-T

Any idea what that means? Milkman, look that up.

Chat. Chat. Take a chat.

Oh, chat. C-H-A-T.

That's French for pussy.

That's sweets.

Chat is sweets.

Yes, hi. Is this

a shithouse? Who is speaking?

Oh, this is Cross.

This is Cross?

I didn't hear, sir.

My name is Cross.

Mr. Cross.

Paul? Mr. Cross.

Mr. Cross.

Oh, fuck you.

Yes, sir.

Yes, hi, sir.

I was calling.

What happened?

Sir, your name, please.

Oh, this is Mr.

Once again, I didn't hear that.

Oh, okay, stupid.

My name is Mr. Cross.

Mr. Cross.

Telling.

C-R-O-S-S.

Okay.

C-R-O-S-S.

Okay.

Okay, and I want to make an order, please.

Okay, yes.

Okay.

I'm ready to.

one chicken tikka masala chicken masala yes we we don't have meat chicken you don't have chicken

no chicken what do you have only vegetarian oh one vegetable biryani okay okay one bhenchod

one one bhenchod what did you say bhenchod bhenchod yes you have the menu yeah it says bhenchod it has

a picture of you oh in which is a vegetable so other it's your sister's pussy huh your sister's

pussy? No, we have the vegetable biryani. Do you have sister? What about your sister? Huh? Your

sister. What happened? Are you just vegetarian? Yeah. You don't eat meat? No. Oh, so you're like

friendly, right? You don't get angry or anything? Do you ever get angry when people call and say

mean things or do you get angry at people? No, sir. We don't have any meat. No, but you,

Would you pay attention to me, dickhead?

Do you ever get mad at people for saying mean things to you?

No, sir.

You never get angry or lose your temper?

No, sir.

Oh, is there anything I could say that make you angry?

No, sir.

Nothing about your mother or your sister or nothing?

No.

Nothing I could say about your mother or your sister and nothing like that, right?

You don't care?

All right, go ahead.

Do you want to hang up now?

Okay, bye.

Well, just going to be honest with him, right?

You know, if he's not going to get mad, milkman, we don't need to talk to him, right?

right? There's no need. Milkman, take yourself off of mute, Milkman. Stupid. Anyway, let's call

India Express Livermore. They're in Livermore, California. In a little bit, we'll be opening the

phone line machines here for everyone to call in, everyone who wants to call in. I'm drinking a two

liter of Diet Mountain Dew straight out of the bottle to keep myself up. I also took some pain

pills here, and those make me kind of funny. Hopefully the pranks are doing good tonight. I

at least one during that last call we did get a call back from somebody but they only let it ring

for a quick second they did call blocked so i like that new element to the show where we can

get callbacks now again oh hi i'd like to make an order if you're not stupid yes ma'am yes sir

hello okay yes i want to make one order for chicken tikka masala okay mild medium spicy

uh spicy okay okay one labia what do you want labia babia yes can you please spell out for me

b-a-h-n-c-h-o-d b-a-c-h-o-d and what are you looking for our menu yeah it says

bhenchod and it has a picture of you here what is the number of that bhenchod sorry bhenchod

No, can you please tell me the number?

Number two?

Number two.

Yeah.

It's a chart.

Fried potato chart?

Yeah, yeah, Bhenchod.

What?

Sorry?

Bhenchod.

Sister fucker Bhenchod.

Oh, fuck you, man.

Asshole.

Okay?

Are you stupid?

Is that why you don't know what I'm saying?

You want me to transfer your number to the cops?

No, I don't give you permission, asshole.

You want me to give your number to the cops right now?

You don't have my number.

I didn't give you...

Do you want that?

I didn't give you...

Your number is coming in my number.

No, it's not coming in my number.

And please come, please do not call me back, okay?

Asshole, go fuck yourself.

Milkman, where are you?

Come on, Milkman, I need you.

Milkman, please, come back.

I think that guy was corn-fused.

Give the number to the cop.

Don't give the number to the cops, please.

Okay?

Oh, no, it's the cops calling in, man.

Don't answer.

Let's screen it.

Okay, I've sent the caller a voicemail.

Damn, that was a close call, man.

If you answered that, man, the Ossifers would have been busting.

10-4, Ozzy.

Quiet.

Hello?

Hello, I pick up phone.

Hello?

Well, someone called back, but they're not saying anything.

Damn it.

The Skype police says, Ken.

That's funny.

The Skype police.

The Skype police calling.

This is Ossifer at Skype.

Ossifer.

My wife is back.

I was going to have a night by myself here in the house.

so i was going to call a hooker and everything and now she came back sucks oh shit man your

private masturbation session dude has been canceled yeah well she was babysitting our

niece and nephews right with uh my mother-in-law her mom but the i did i saw that on the on the

minipad man i saw that that one night yeah but my uh niece she's only a year and a half old and

she was missing her mommy she was started crying so that they had a call yeah she poor thing she

was crying too much so she had to they had to cancel the sleepover so my wife is back home so

we i can't talk too loud now unfortunately you have to put your pants back on and smoke cigar

in bed tonight now see i was gonna have fun yeah i was gonna stay up really late now i gotta be

be responsible and shit yeah lonesome confirms he's not able to get any answers in the vatican

like he's been he's he's it's wasting his time because he keeps it's all the numbers go nowhere

no one picks up he did get an answer um after being put on hold for a few moments a few minutes

at the vatican parish office let's give that a call let's see if uh we can talk to a woman there

at the American parish office, you know?

Hmm. That is curious.

All right, Mr. Spock.

Report that technical error.

The operator is busy at the moment.

Please hold on. Thank you.

All right, we'll hold on, milkman.

The operator is busy at the moment.

Please hold on. Thank you.

All right, we'll hold on. Thank you.

L'operatore è al momento occupato, vi preghiamo di accendere in linea, grazie

The operator is busy at the moment, please hold on, thank you

L'operatore è al momento occupato, vi preghiamo di accendere in linea, grazie

The operator is busy at the moment, please hold on, thank you

Oh, this is driving me nuts

Alright, I can't do that

It just repeats way...

This is very happy

happy god this is repeating way too much let's try that cardinal again

hey that episode's gonna be updated tomorrow el barco de la madre my lord no pronto pronto

pronto pronto hi yes uh may i speak to the cardinal please hello hello what's the beeping

oh fucking bitch what a snooty stuck up but you know i'm catholic she should speak to me

that was cool man i like that man had the nasa beep all right well there you go um let's go back

to do that on the call and like like constantly like do like a a beep like that after every

thing you say man like act like you don't know what's going on you know milkman who is your

favorite who's your who's your favorite character fighting character in street fighter 2 did you

ever play that you know what i'm talking about uh uh only uh the yoshimitsu i think what the

fuck is yoshi mitsu who's yoshi mitsu you never played that did you any of that no and then any

in that one no yoshi mitsu he's in one of the popular games man he's like uh he's like a fighter

and he's like part robot no well you talk about king of fighters you're talking about that must

be a different one it was a popular one a few years ago man no man about well 15 years ago or

more street fighter 2 street fighter 2 came out in 1990 or 1991 you know ryu and ken blanca guile

you don't know who i'm talking about i never i don't know who yoshimitsu is man you're just

joking around you're too old go play pong no actually it was some kid man i was like babysitting

and i had it on there i just don't know the name of the game you were babysitting were you doing

poppers with the kid hello yes hi i'm doing poppers i'm sorry i'm doing poppers so i wanted

to have some indian food okay okay i'm sorry so i didn't know what you're saying i'm doing poppers

tonight poppers i don't know what that is oh it's when you do an injection under the skin with like

we crush up pills vicodin pills we crush them up and we mix them with water we put in a syringe and

and we put it in our arm muscle, and we inject it, and we get high.

Okay.

All right, so we're going to order some Indian food, okay?

All righty then.

Okay, all right, go ahead and put that down.

Two Indian food?

I'm sorry, sir, are you going to actually tell me what you want to order,

or am I just putting out Indian food?

Yeah, two Indian foods.

Okay, you called an Indian restaurant, but what exactly do you want as the food?

Oh, man, I'm really wasted.

Let me think here.

It all, like, tastes the same.

Ah, you know that stuff.

So are you sure it's not the right place?

Yeah, it's the Indian place, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I want two Indian foods.

Again, I don't know what you mean by two Indian foods.

It's like these little pieces of meat, you know?

So do you want a certain type of curry, sir?

Yeah, it's like these little pieces of meat and there's sauce.

Is it orange sauce?

It has like a color to it, yeah.

It's really good.

Spicy.

You know the spicy one?

Okay.

Well, we have a lot of curries, and a lot of them are spicy, so I really don't know.

Yeah, put that down.

Yeah, there's got to be like two or three of them.

I don't know what that is.

All right.

How long will it be?

How long would what be, sir?

The Indian food.

Three, two, or three.

Can you give me a second?

Yeah, sure, honey.

Okay.

You ready?

Yeah, hi.

We're doing skim poppers today, so we wanted to do some Indian food, and we want to eat it.

I'm sorry.

Just a minute.

Oh, okay.

What did you want to do now?

Uh, we're doing skim poppers, so we wanted to order Indian food.

One chicken masala, chicken tikka masala.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Do you have Papa Dams?

Yes, sir.

I just farted.

All right.

Uh, one bhenchod.

One what?

Bhenchod.

What is that?

It's a sister.

You want me to ask your mom, too?

No, was that your sister I was talking to?

She sounds sexy.

Uh, she wasn't my sister.

I'm just another worker here.

Oh, what does she do, though?

Ask your mom, she'll tell you.

Does she have dark pussy lips ask her for me real quick? I think I've just seen that in your mom

What else? Hey, don't talk about my mom. Okay, and bitch you started it. No, listen, I asked about sister

You said mom you took it to a different level man. There was both the females, right?

Does it make a fucking difference? No Indian females don't count because they're subhuman. So what the fuck are you bitch?

I'm Puerto Rican. I'm above Indians because I'm American citizen. No, we're not we're going to it

but I can't hang up your fucking illiterate motherfucker.

No.

He said me hang up, right, Milkman?

And who hung up?

Right?

Wow, man.

What a punk.

What a stupid.

I think he was very homosexual, man.

I heard the intonations there, man, in his cleft palate.

I don't let people talk about my mama.

That's all I got to say.

I know.

That's right.

You tell them, Elvis.

Talk about my mama.

That's all right, mama.

That's all right.

Alright kids

This is Madhouse Radio

We're doing prank calls

Or some semblance of them

Hope you're enjoying

Anyway Milkman

I was saying

That episode

El Balco de la Madre

The one where me

You and Jin

Were doing the prank calls

About the mothership

Coming to pick us up

For the Mayan apocalypse

No

Really

Awesome dude

That'll be

That'll be updated

Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning

Oh hell

That's a podcast man

The whole show

Yeah I wanna

Hey real quick

Real quick

I wanna give a big thanks

I want to give a thanks to Big Tabachi and RBCP.

They've been helping me.

I've been out of touch.

I haven't been able to edit any podcasts.

As you can tell, a lot of people out there.

Carlito, man, we miss the feed.

We miss the podcast.

They're catching up slowly.

I've been trying to release them one per day.

And I want to thank Tabachi and Brad.

Both of them together have been editing those shows.

and even even coming up with the synopsis and the titles for the shows and everything that

really helps me out and it's helping you guys out so everyone big a big um i want to guys i want you

guys to give a big thumbs up big clap and go stars for tabachi and rbcp and if you guys and

tabachi and rbcp if you're listening i want you right now to give yourself a pat on the back man

thank you that's all right mama yeah man congratulations man thank you so much guys

no seriously man that is that is a major major uh accomplishment we do appreciate that yeah there

you go so uh they're catching up real quick man make sure if you uh if they need any help or

anybody like to help please get get all the bots you man because like uh there's no reason we can't

hook you right up yeah if you want to help out man we're still finishing trying to finish up that

project where we're getting all our prank calls edited out we're just about done i think we've

got the majority of the years but there's still some episodes that left um there's about a year

and a half worth left out of the eight years total i guess that we have here going on pretty soon

oh my god pasquale man pasquale man do you realize the trouble i wonder he even realizes

is the trouble he began yeah all those many things are good yeah we're halfway into our eighth season

right now he got lost and this is what started off his quality he's still missing yeah rbcpc

rbcp says he didn't want to but tabachi said if he didn't help he would release the naked

pics of rbcpm and i i got those pics and i was quite surprised rbcp um yeah i was quite

impressed rbcp has got a big member and i can say that the carpet smashed the drapes man that's

really cool wow if you guys were wondering hey yeah yeah all right let's keep going here more

prank calls more indians milkman samsar indians the samsar indians they're a group of indians

who live in the marshy areas in southern india milkman i don't know if you knew about that

yeah they make homes turkey one thing stimulated

they make they make homes out of a mix of uh clay uh elephant feces cow feces and hay

so yeah i'm not kidding like you see too they like your food very spicy man very southern

spicy yeah it makes a very strong house building material but it's also very flammable so that's

and that's why they started cooking in clay ovens outside and that's where the whole clay

other things started with indians true story milkman true story awesome dude it's hard to

try to beat some good doll suit man i like the spicy too real quick while we get that ready

want to remind you all that we do have quite a few shows here on manhouse radio now be sure to

check out death fox on friday nights 10 p.m eastern frank session radio what is it yeah

Yeah, Prank Session Radio.

Prank Session Radio.

Prank Radio Session.

Death Fox.

Is it Prank Radio Session?

I don't know.

It's Prank Radio Session Radio, man.

Prank Masturbation Radio.

Yeah, that's Death Fox, Dozier, and Dee, I guess.

Dee is also on there.

Of course, Brad does his show.

I think Brad was on before us tonight.

He likes to hold it down before we start.

Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad.

No Jen Stewart tonight, but he likes to make appearances occasionally.

also dirty aaron likes to make occasional appearances once every other week or once a

month i think he's filming again man he's back filming again jesus all right he is filming okay

yeah i think yeah there's some new episodes of arrow coming out here real soon arrow is that

yeah have you seen that yet the archery yeah that's archery uh reality show yeah

i mean you i mean if you can't see the likeness dude i mean you know they they they moved they

They made that whole movie about him, man.

It's his whole life about him, man.

Then he's starring in his own movie.

There you go.

And also, GillyCast has a prank cast.

Their own, the GillyCast kids, Dialer and the other guy.

They had an episode that they posted here recently.

Be sure to check them out.

I don't know their site exactly.

I think Dialer might be in the chat.

Maybe he'll give you a link.

But they're trying to get a regular show started here.

That's all fine and good, too.

They're starting to get a podcast out.

and then uh this gilly cast kids if you ever end up at a point where you can do a weekly schedule

let me know and uh you're more than welcome to take over the airwaves on madhouse uh station

as long as it doesn't conflict with any existing shows i would prefer here's i would prefer not to

have a thursday night show not that i'm trying to be an asshole but we could end up at a point

where we end up going back and i would hate for let's say someone to start doing a show

thursday and get really comfortable and for me to have to say uh psych i'm taking it from you i

don't want anybody to get into a groove so maybe we'll just keep thursdays open but to be honest

with you man i'm starting to dig saturday nights it's working out for me i think we should just

different people dude i think we should just stick to saturdays i bet you i think you know

we're going to get to a point where where i can do thursdays again and i think we'll stick to

saturdays i think the chat room would agree with that uh float that out there in the chat room

real quick see are you digging the saturday night thing over thursday i think we're all getting used

to and i think it's it's for the better to be honest with you i

started bringing out them gold stars man if you agree

man if you like the saturday gig too yeah because i just want to make you guys happy

you know podcasters don't care they listen to when they listen to it but that's right our live fans

you know gotta you guys are important too you know cutting edge raw raw right here in my house

now you're in the mouth 98.6 rad house radio net yes hi i'd like to make an order sexy lady

yeah you are okay just go ahead uh sexy lady hello sexy lady you know no uh one uh chicken

biryani hey one check hey how you like spice i like spicy okay one vegetable biryani okay

Okay, spicy?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

One banana?

One?

Banana.

One second.

One banana.

Banana.

One second, hold.

Hello?

Yeah, one banana.

What do you mean banana?

Do you have bananas?

Banana.

Bananas?

Banana?

Yeah.

No, we don't have that dish.

Oh, you don't have bananas at all?

No.

uh one bhenchod excuse me one bhenchod no bhenchod what does that mean bhenchod is uh you know a man

who makes love to the sister hold on hold on okay skype doesn't say she hung up

no she did hang up now god one banana banana phone ring ring ring banana phone

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Yes.

What happened to the phone?

No, no, because I don't understand what you're talking about.

You said one chicken biryani, one veggie biryani.

What else do you need?

One banana?

Excuse me.

Behave yourself.

Hey.

Hey, can you track the number, please?

No.

Can you track the number?

No, one bhenchod.

What do you mean?

Bhenchod is a sister, that you make love to the sister, you kiss your sister, and I watch.

I touch my carrot while you kiss your sister my banana. Okay

I'll hold the bananas in my hands my banana. Listen. I'm holding banana

These Indians are pretty funny tonight there some nice that don't get mad at all

But tonight they've been pretty antsy ain't seen the pantsy even the ladies. Hello

I'm holding, I'm holding the banana for you and your lady.

Hello.

Huh?

Yeah, would you like to make an order?

Yeah, we're closed right now.

No.

We want to be able to take an order now.

No, you stupid.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, go fuck your sister and your wife and let me watch at the same time.

You know?

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Come on, man.

Don't be like that.

Be friends.

Shut up.

Come on, be friends.

Come on, man.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't share some of the fucking people.

Fuck all these suckers right now.

Fuck nobody else.

You're going to fuck them.

i forgot about that one oh oh oh get that indian guy oh oh oh oh don't answer okay

i've sent the colored voicemail your collar just hung up goodbye oh they hung up we lost them darn

i just like them looking up i like them leaving voicemails because they they're they're assholes

like that you know anyway here's ken hi ken how are you true hi ken who's got you sucky in right

Hey, man, you have bananas.

I have a whole fucking tree full of bananas.

You got a whole tree.

Listen to this.

You're a dead asshole.

Why don't you go in and talk to me?

You can't be like shit-faced at home talking to me.

He sounds like he's like,

he called all week.

He only left four or five voicemails,

but he called all week long.

Let's listen to this one.

I didn't play all this one.

Hang on, let's listen.

There's 15 seconds left in this one.

You're not that easy.

Mother.

What?

You got no balls, huh?

That's it.

I have no balls, Ken.

That's some funny shit.

He was probably at home just drunk off his ass

and called this motherfucker.

Milkman, what do Turks drink?

Do they have Turkish whiskey?

I wonder if they do.

I know Iraqis have whiskey.

What's a Turkish drink?

Do they drink ouzo?

Like they drink...

I think they drink ouzo, yeah, yeah.

I think most of the people around there drink that.

That's a pretty strong concoction, man.

I don't like it.

I think it's one of the favorites.

Well, you know my wife is Greek, and they drink that ouzo shit.

I don't like it.

It tastes like liquor.

She's Athenian.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't like that ouzo shit.

It tastes like shit.

Well, it's not the real ouzo.

Have you ever drank the real ouzo?

Yeah, that's what my father-in-law, he came back from Greece a few months ago.

Him and his wife went over there for a few weeks, and they came back, and they brought

brought Ouzo, they brought Greek moonshine

in this big-ass water

bottle. Real Ouzo's

real Ouzo's is

laced, man. With an

ease. Is that what you're talking about?

No, no, that's the flavoring, but I mean, no, no, no.

It's got a...

The hell's a drug? I can't

remember now, man.

The milk, man, you know, you were

talking about Yosemite Shoe or whatever?

That's from Tekken, dude. Yeah.

Tekken, that's the game. I knew it was something like, sorry.

I knew it was a game I played.

i never got into attacking you know the the fighting games i got into street fighter two

i got you know the street fighter game i like double dragon mortal kombat i got into i got

into um what was the nintendo one ken you know i'm talking about with the combos combo breaker

why i forget it now i'm starting to get a loopy here what was it a combo breaker uh they did that

in street fighter um no no no there was one game killer instinct killer instinct i like killer

Killer Instinct, but that was more of a gimmick, because you would go and I'd play Killer Instinct

at the arcade, and there was always some dude there, and all he did was combos.

All he would sit there and beat your ass with the 80 fucking hit combos.

There was one game that was pretty funny, which was Battletoads vs. Double Dragon.

Yeah.

That was a pretty good game.

That game was hard as fuck.

All those Battletoads games were hard as fuck, man, including Battletoads vs. Double Dragon.

That was a hard game, sir.

Good old Contra.

I love that fucking game.

there you go uh yeah hey um milkman did you hear did you guys did you two hear milkman and ken did

you guys hear about the the olympic runner with the with the bendy legs that shot his uh his

girlfriend over there what yeah but i'm pretty i'm pretty sure he didn't mean to do it you think

so come on he shot her three four times though man like i could see the first time probably

wouldn't do the dishes so he was like all right we gotta take care of this problem yeah some uh

You know, she probably, I don't know, I think he probably found out she was cheating on him.

And that shit happened.

I don't know.

He's worth a shitload of money, though.

I would just tell the bitch to hit the road.

Well, yeah, if he got, she was hot as hell, too.

If he could get that pussy, he could have gotten someone else really easy.

They were saying he's worth about $500 million.

Yeah, because he had a Nike deal and all that stuff, you know.

But, you know, apparently this happened in South Africa,

and the police are trying to get as much evidence as they can.

uh but they're having trouble apparently they're stumped oh south africa that's gonna fucking fall

through you didn't catch my joke i said they're stumped yeah because he has no legs thank you

here all night thank you all right let's continue yeah i sent you in quite a quite a few requests

pranks there they're stumped because he doesn't have legs ken you know what i mean no fucking

never bendy legs those are like that nickname he's got the bendy legs oh man uh what was it

can you send me a few numbers i did some i did some of the uh one bedrooms yeah i sent you quite

a few there yeah we have more still all that fucking chucky cheese to get a bachelor party

set up there never happened uh zyklon i was calling in let me get him here yeah what's up

up milkman you said hermano i just tried the uh blood oranges they're in season now man are they

oh i should pick some up man that's i like to marinate meat with it it's really good dude you

put a lot of blood oranges you ever had a man you like them yeah they're good oh hell yeah no

seriously you marinate beef and blood oranges is really good it it not for too long because it

breaks down the meat the acidity breaks it down but if you do it for the right amount of time

and refrigerated oh it comes uh and you grill that motherfucker dude seriously marinate uh some

beef and uh blood orange sweet they're kind of low in sugar man but they're awesome that's kind

of what we do with uh what i'm gonna cook something i'll inject it with like an orange

juice or something to break the meat down a little bit yeah yeah here's another thing a

friend of mine he told me the other day he made uh he makes marijuana butter you know where you

where you melt the pot in butter.

Can of butter.

Can of butter, yeah.

Milkman, can you buy those?

I heard you can buy those in the dispensary now, right?

You can buy the butter itself already made?

You can get all that shit, shampoo, skin stuff,

pain reliever, like lotions, everything, dude.

Dude, well, he gets the cannabis butter, right?

And he says he injects it with a turkey baster.

He injects it into his chicken, and then he fries the chicken.

and and he gets really stoned he says eating fried chicken he said anything to do with butter

and it goes right in there like cookies anything there's different ways to use it there you go he

said he also makes a pasta with it he makes a pasta and it comes out good i would make a lasagna

with cannabis butter weed butter i'd be all over that motherfucker do you guys ever watch that show

the soup at all uh oh when it was talk soup back in the day yeah i did a lot a long time ago why

what's up uh they were showing just these fucked up like uh you know just regular tv show clips

they were showing these two people that were addicted and what they were addicted to were

coffee enemas oh oh man coffee enemas they said this fucking lady would sit there three to four

times a day and pour like 32 ounces of coffee up her ass if she does that does she then piss out

her mouth like in that south park episode yeah oh yeah yeah hey zyklon what's up remember yeah

remember that's the episode where yeah where they're eating uh reverse so they don't gain

weight and uh wasn't there a segment in that episode where martha stewart was showing you

how to eat a turkey through with her ass and she's like sitting on it and she's like

like groaning and i don't remember that part anyway after they'd used the marijuana butter

or do they take a big shit in the toilet?

Yeah, man.

It's a happy shit, though, Zyklon.

Because you're high, man.

Oh, there's nothing better than being high and taking a big shit.

You know what I'm talking about, Milkman.

You like shitting when you're high.

Oh, that's the best, man.

Oh, Carlito, look for the number of the...

They don't call it pot for nothing, dude.

They don't call it pot for...

They don't call it smoking a bowl for nothing.

Oh, boy.

Smoke weed every day.

I gotta get some weed.

It's been since December.

So, Carlito.

What's up?

I'm going to ask, have you played Dust 514 yet?

No, man, I haven't.

I heard it's still in beta, right?

It's in open beta.

For PlayStation, it's in open beta?

Yep.

So you dial in the PSN, free to play.

I'm a masturbator.

Masturbator.

Then I'm going to check that out after the show.

I'll fire up the old PS3 here, and we'll do that.

I did take a look at the new PlayStation 4, the new controller, the new DualShock.

It looks pretty nice, actually.

they've finally addressed some issues they're actually fixing the analog sticks so they're

not so shitty um are they gonna put trigger trigger buttons like hell on the xbox uh no no

not that the the this still has the shoulder buttons they redesigned those and then on the

very top it's got the um you know the move controller you know how the move controller

has those big blue it looks really stupid the big blue light up balls well it's it's just a little

component on the top of the controller so you don't have to have that big move

wand you can just move your controller around which I think is a gimmick anyway

that's stupid it also has a touchpad like a like on a laptop it's got a

touchpad on the controller so you can you're gonna you're gonna be able to do

some stuff with that on the center of it you can just move your finger around and

touch around and scroll and move and stuff and it has a built-in speaker and

a headphone jack like the Xbox does well the Xbox has the headphone jack right

and the Wii controllers

have the speaker.

Those are going to be on, and a microphone

built into the controller itself

as well. I don't know.

Dude, I haven't bought a console since a PS2

so I'm not up for that stuff. I'm a PC guy.

It's nice with the Kinetic

on the 360 where you can just talk

through the Kinetic and control your

Xbox 360 and stuff.

There you go, man. It's like

that movie where you talk to computers.

Star Trek. Alright, let's

have some prank calls.

Oh, man, this soda, you know?

I'm supposed to give it up for Lent.

I forgot, and I drank half a two-liter already.

I sent a Domino's number for you to apply to.

What's up with the Domino's?

You sent me a Domino's.

Are they hiring, or you just did that?

Yeah, they're hiring a driver.

All right, cool, man.

There you go.

We got people named Pope here also.

That's good.

Pope's in England.

We can give them a call, congratulate them on the pending Popehood.

Maybe they'll be hitting up.

But in the meantime, here's someone in the country who is wanting to clean houses.

Colin, congratulate them on becoming King Pope.

I'm going to do this here.

This person wants to clean houses.

I wonder if it's a woman or a man.

Hopefully it's a woman, because a man, dude, that's like a male nurse, you know?

Male nurse.

There you go.

Zyklon, you haven't been on in a while, dude.

What's going on?

People give me a lot of shit when you're on, Zyklon.

I'm just telling you.

I'm not trying to be an asshole.

Hey, dude.

What it is is my Skype's been bad on my phone.

People give death fucks shit.

They gave me shit about putting him on too much.

I like that fuck, too.

It's my show.

I do whatever I want.

I do what I want.

I do what I want when I want.

You don't like it?

Go listen to KDK.

Hey.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Four, two...

I'll try it again.

Yeah, I haven't been able to call through to the show for some reason.

It keeps doing that ringing thing whenever it connects.

Is that still not fixed?

I heard they fixed that, though.

No?

Still?

No, it's got worse.

No answer there.

Let's speak into KDK.

let's see what he's up to

I think he's actually

doing a prank call

he's playing something

from like 5, 6, 7 years ago

apparently

so much for that

let's make my penis soft

yeah that's ancient man

fucking monkey phone bro

well I guess you're stuck with us

then unless you want to hear that shit

I really want you to get a hold of the Vatican

it is over there right now man

I really want you to get a hold of the Vatican

so you can be like

is this the Vatican?

I got a lot of shit to do

you got a lot of shit to do

I got a question

since it's Saturday

does anybody know

Do you know what Saturday's joke of the day is?

Uh, no, but we can find out.

Let's call Zappos.

Good idea.

There's something we can do.

We're going to have to take a piss pretty soon.

There's some good shit to do.

Is Aaron around?

I haven't seen Aaron tonight yet.

El Balco de la Madre.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCLT scheduling team.

To better assist you with your shopping needs,

please press 1 for new orders.

I forgot the options.

2 for general questions.

3 for returns.

And 5 to hear the joke of the day.

There we go.

Hi, my name is Amanda, and I'm with the customer loyalty team here at Zappos, and here's your joke of the day.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Cuatro Cinco.

That is racist towards Mexicans. That is hog shit, sir.

Thank you for allowing us to put a little Zappos in your day.

That was stupid.

Thank you for holding. For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Cuatro Cinco.

Zappos needs to add a racist joke.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

This is Jenny.

How can I help you?

Yeah, Jenny, are you the one that left the joke of the day?

I didn't.

It sounds like you.

She said her name is Jenny.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No, I'm not that popular.

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Who am I speaking with?

Oh, this is Cross.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just chilling at work.

What did you say your name was?

Oh, Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Do you have me on speaker?

No.

Oh, okay.

What are you doing?

Are you hanging out?

out yep just hanging out at work you like the party no no you have do you have Tourette's or

anything like that no I don't how about you no no I've got diabetes oh that's unfortunate and

I have a cataract in my right eye and I had open uh I had an open abdominal surgery a year and a

half ago yeah and I have to wash my feet and hands in epsom salt I have swollen feet oh that's not

good i have elevated blood pressure and diabetic neuropathy yeah so what's going on tonight i'm

just calling to see what's up you know oh you're gonna do some shopping or what yeah yeah probably

hey so you guys when you get hired they offer you like a thousand dollars to quit or something like

that who told you that uh i was on a podcast they say that that if you when you get hired they say

Say, you can leave now if you don't like it, and we'll give you all this money, I heard.

Oh, well, you should try to get a job and see if that's true.

No, but tell me, what's the deal like when you start working there?

How much money do you get?

It depends on what kind of job you go for.

And what are you doing?

You answer the phone?

My good little girl?

Yeah, it's customer service.

Oh, so how much do you get paid?

It depends.

Have you ever had a customer service job before?

Yeah, I've had like four of them.

Oh, nice.

You should apply.

Yeah, well, how about you?

Is this your first customer service job?

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah?

Where'd you work at before?

What'd you say?

Where'd you work at before?

Well, work before, I used to serve cocktails at a casino.

Oh, that's hot.

And I used to work at a rec center.

You used to serve cocktails.

Oh, you used to work at a rec center?

Did you work out and stuff?

No, I was like the front desk supervisor.

Oh, you'd probably look really good if you served cocktails,

because cocktail grizzlers, you look nice and fit.

Oh, yeah, I do work out.

Yeah, do you wear, like, a pusher bra when you serve cocktails?

Because they get better tips that way, right?

No.

No?

You got a nice little body on you, though, I bet, right?

Nice ass, nice titties, nice ass.

You know, you look good.

You wear dark makeup.

Yeah, dark makeup.

Am I bothering you?

Are you looking for anything in particular on Zappos?

Anything Zappos-related I can help you with?

I just want to talk to a pretty girl, you know?

Talk to a pretty girl.

Huh?

I just want to talk to a pretty girl while I do this thing I'm doing right now.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Can you talk to me a little more?

Are you actually shopping or are you just calling to talk?

Oh, yes, whatever you want to call it, you know?

I have this fantasy that I'm in the call center and I'm the supervisor and I say,

Hey, you want to race?

Then you need to come in my office and close the door and close the vertical blinds

so no one can see what we're doing.

All right, Cass, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect the call.

You have yourself a good night, okay?

Hello?

Go, bitch.

Hello?

What happened?

Yeah, what happened?

Nothing happened.

Why are you calling over there and use bad language?

I don't know.

Listen, all I know is my friend Cross said the call and make an order.

He said that he went to India and he had food and he ordered.

He said that this stuff was good and to order for him and he was going to come back from the alcohol to come back with alcohol for us to drink and eat Indian food that he was going to tell me all about Indian food and Indian people because he went there.

He was a missionary, a Catholic missionary, and he said that he had this food when he was there.

And he wrote down here, Bhenchod.

He wrote down that he said it was a good food called Bhenchod, Indian food.

And then I called and you people made fun of me and you were rude and nasty to me.

Now I'm going to tell everyone I know about how mean you people and nasty you are.

No, listen.

You can, if you don't like it, you don't have any.

You don't like it, you don't order.

But you don't have any right to use bad language.

I didn't know it was bad language.

Someone told me that this is the name of an Indian food, damn it.

You don't understand? Are you stupid too?

You son of a bitch.

You don't know who you're talking about.

Your sister fucker is what you are.

You motherfucker, I can fuck you anytime.

You don't know who you're talking about.

Yes, I'm talking to stupid Indian idiots.

Yeah, there's stupid Indians smarter than you.

Yeah, right. All you Indians do is...

You bastard. You don't know, motherfucker.

All you Indians do is sit there and eat your chicken.

That's why we're doing the business.

You're not doing shit.

Your business is a piece of shit.

That's what it is.

Yeah, you mother fucker.

You should behave yourself.

Otherwise, I can put your gun in your ass and shoot you in your ass.

I do what I want when I want.

Yeah.

But you do whatever you want to do.

Yeah, and what you said to me, you're an asshole.

If you have a gun, you can come see me.

Then I can tell you.

Okay?

I'm going to show you

I'm going to fuck your mom

with my big car

I'm going to fuck your wife

so you can watch

uh huh

and then what

you're going to kiss me

in my ass

you're going to put your dick

in my ass

you're going to put your dick

in my ass

because you're a gandu

Yeah, cuz you're

No, no you bring your wife and I fuck

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Although, speaking of fucking, let's call Faizad.

It's Saturday.

I don't think they're screening for Saturdays yet.

We already tried.

That was last week.

It was Saturday.

Ah.

You missed a Carlitos and you don't pay attention.

Turkish Kitchen left Carlitos some really fucked up voicemails.

Was it Faizad or the husband?

The husband.

And if you're a real fan of the show, you would learn about that already and listen.

All right?

Yeah, bitch.

Sorry.

I usually listen to my podcast.

Oh, my Skype messed up.

But I can't call Ed.

My Skype messed up, and this messed up, and my computer, my...

We're getting an echo feedback on your end, Carlito.

Everything maxed up.

I got that guy's phone number.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system, 9-2.

I got that guy's phone number there.

We're going to save that.

Just call him back and let me talk to him real quick.

Let me try again.

He didn't answer that time.

I'll try him again.

He's funny.

Mother...

Oh, is that...

Mother...

Oh, fuck, yeah.

You put a gun in my ass.

Come in front of me in love.

Oh shit. Oh boy.

I'll leave him a voicemail.

I gotta block the number cause-

Hello?

Yeah, hey bro.

Oh fuck yeah. What are you doing you little bitch?

You motherfucker, you asshole. I'm telling you, you behave yourself. You son of a bitch. You better behave yourself. I could have every other guy just come see me.

Oh, do you see your sister's pussy with that?

Oh, you fucker, motherfucker.

Let it be what I've got.

See me, okay?

I'm a fucking little bitch, y'all.

I'll come see you, you little bitch.

all right a little fucking riled up definitely saving i saw i think he was getting hot

definitely saving that number what should i save it as angry indian i guess i mean there's like we

have so many we probably have like a bunch of angry indians or indian charlie yeah yeah isn't

there one saved as indian charlie uh save it as you don't know me because he was driving that

point home he's like yeah you don't know me otherwise angry indian you don't know me there

There we go.

That sounds like a plan.

All right, let me save that.

Hang on.

Before we go any further, I'm going to play a song here.

I don't want to forget that one.

He's a Kiefer.

I was going to say anyway while I was calling him, if he didn't pick up, I had to block the number.

Because next thing you know, if that number gets out, then you got Gilly Cass keeps calling him.

And Artie and everyone and their fucking mother starts pranking him.

And the next thing you know, he's laughing and thinking that we're funny.

Like Charlie.

Get some poppers.

the reason the numbers aren't even posted in the chat everyone wants to be like carlito and milk

man and then madhouse everyone no one comes with the original idea nobody everyone wants to do what

we do still kind of cracking me up from last week when we kept calling those uh walmart people and

telling them that we put chicken and chips dude that was funny we're all pissed off about it yeah

Yeah, but the whole thing, we got, everything got confused because the fucking, the guy, what is it, the employee transferred, right?

He got promoted.

Yeah, I said Reggie was supposed to empty the chicken fat from the food court, and he put it next to the oil barrels, and shit got mixed up.

Angry Indian, you don't know me.

That's what we're calling it, right?

Yeah, and I called that one lady.

She was all pissed.

She's like, what are you calling this lady a night for?

I'm like, I'm trying to save my fucking job.

somebody tell them you accidentally poured chicken fat into their car when they had it

taken for a lube service yeah imagine that that would have been a great idea you should have been

here last week to suggest that sir and then i'm sorry i had to work last week yeah and how about

the guy that the guy that i told him not to bring the condom back to the walmart he's like man what

the fuck you talking about man that guy man broke out laughter just to bring the condom home

he's like wait man

you're gonna be fucking around cause first of all you tell me

don't bring no condom back

second of all

you moved here from Las Vegas to

change oil and fuck bitches

like what are you talking about

man this is dope

he told you if you caught the ring he was gonna keep it

I told him I moved from

Vegas to California

to change oil and fuck bitches

he's like man

wait when did he have a better taste

getting laid in the car man

He didn't seem too upset until you got about the condom part.

Yeah, the condom part.

At first, he had my back.

Sorry, I'm going to check now for the ring and what you want me to do.

I said, yeah, bring it back, but don't bring back the condom.

He was like, meh.

He told me not to bring back the condom because it was evidence.

Yeah, and I turned out to laugh.

You can see me on the video on the YouTube.

On the YouTube video, you can see me laughing.

Just keep me not trying to...

I ended up cracking up anyway.

Guys, I really do have to make a pee.

unfortunately. Sorry, I can't hold them.

My pee-pee's flailing my bladder.

Alright? I'm starting to dribble out a little bit

and that's bad. We'll play a prank call,

alright, man? How about that? You like that

idea? Yeah! Absolutely.

Okay. I don't know what we're gonna do.

Let's see. I'm gonna look at my list.

Play a Charlie call. Uh, no.

How about don't call me asshole? That's a good one.

There's one called here, don't call me asshole.

And there's, uh, here's one, the man pants.

Dude, I haven't heard that in a while. I like that prank call.

Man pants. Man pants. Man pants is funny.

All right, here's Man Pants, guys.

We'll be right back.

I'm going to go urinate.

I was getting ready to hang up and call back, sir, because I haven't been put on hold so much,

and I've been demanding to speak to the chef, the head chef in charge.

He's the person that takes the responsibility when it comes to steak and food.

Well, I'm the general manager, sir.

That's nice, honey.

Can I speak to the man in charge there in the kitchen, please?

I will be happy to assist you.

I'm the general manager, so I've managed a whole restaurant.

That's nice.

I will take full responsibility in every restaurant.

That's nice, honey.

You just sit there and be pretty.

It's okay.

Okay, but go ahead and put Fernando on the phone again, please.

Sir, rudeness is not necessary at this point in time,

and he doesn't deal with any kind of guest complaints.

I'm more than happy to do so.

Well, who cooked my steak then?

Who's in charge of cooking back there?

Because this is the person I need to speak with.

We've got to get to the root of the problem,

not dealing with red tape with women answering the phone wearing man pants.

Unnecessary.

I'm trying to assist you.

I'm on your side here.

But making derogatory comments about me because I'm a female is unnecessary.

Take off your man pants, woman.

Tell me what reservation you were on.

This is Valente, and I came with a party from Valente and Associates.

And for the fifth time, I've gotten the messed up order with this take.

I command you to apologize to me.

As a matter of fact, I want you to bring Fernando to the phone.

And I want him to say, I'm sorry, into the speakerphone.

Do you have speakerphone there, honey?

Hello?

Do you know how to use it?

Wow.

This is going well.

This is Ted Song.

Hi.

Who are you holding for?

I'm holding for the head chef man in charge.

Who am I speaking with?

And why are you answering?

This is the regional manager.

My name is Kim.

That's nice, honey.

This is Valente.

I need to speak to the chef, please.

There's a gentleman there who I was working with before.

The chef passed your phone call along to me.

That's nice, honey.

If I can speak to your gentleman.

Could you not call me honey, please?

What is your name, sir?

This is Valente.

Valente is your first name?

That's right, sweetie.

Okay, please don't call me sweetie.

And what can I help you with tonight?

I'm a little upset that I've come in for the fifth time,

and the steak is coming out in an inappropriate state of being cooked incorrectly,

blood coming from the steak when it's been ordered medium well.

And listen, this is disgusting.

You know what it looks like to me?

I used to follow a strict diet regimen where you had to eat the food,

and is absolutely not supposed to be raw because it's, I'm not going to mention it,

but it's certain passages in the Bible.

I don't know if you have a Bible there.

I always have a Bible with me in my house, in my vehicle.

I even have a small Bible that I bring with me sometimes when I know I'm going to be sitting

waiting for to see the doctor or to play the lottery in the gas station or something like that.

So what is this?

What is your name?

My name is Kim Owens.

Okay, big Kim.

So my deal here, what I don't like is the fact that I was talking directly with a person

who I feel needs to make these corrections for when I come in

and hopefully this doesn't happen a sixth time.

And now all of a sudden I'm being talked to by women over there

that are telling me that I can talk to them,

that are refusing to put me through to the person who messed up my steak.

I just want to have a conversation with him because I want to teach him.

I want to teach Fernando over there how it is you're supposed to make the steak.

Well, Fernando, quite frankly, was feeling rather disrespected

because you were yelling, as was the general manager,

and I happened to be in town this evening, so she passed your call along to me.

I happen not to yell at anybody until I sort of get in the runaround from that lady.

I never raise my voice to Fernando.

And if you say that, then someone is lying.

And I have a feeling it might be you making up stories right now,

trying to dissuade me from the situation, sweetie.

And I don't appreciate it.

Again, sweetie.

Okay, hon.

I don't appreciate this, sweetie.

Well, you know, what are you, a regional manager, your assistant to the regional manager?

No, I'm the regional manager.

Is there a man above you somewhere that I can talk to that happens to be there?

My CEO is the man that's above me.

Well, good.

He's the only person that's above me.

Does he happen to be in there coincidentally?

No, he's not here tonight.

Seems to me like I'm speaking to some random woman who's working there who wants to impersonate that she's wearing the man pants here and is a regional manager.

Right.

The regional manager just happens to be in on a Tuesday night.

Well, I happen to live in Las Vegas, so yes, I happen to be here on a Tuesday night.

Ridiculous.

You obviously do live in Las Vegas, and you're obviously new money.

Well, I don't know what any of this means.

You don't know what new money is?

When you're ready to tell me what the issues are and speak to me in a respectful manner,

in the manner that I'm speaking to you in, then we can talk.

So you can give me a call anytime.

That's nice, honey.

Do you want to write down my phone number?

I don't know why you'd want me to call you back.

I am a woman.

Well, once you calm down, you can call me back.

I'm very calm.

You're the one that's not calm.

Well, pass this number on to the man in charge of things over there.

well i will give him your information but i'm not i'm quite sure that you're not going to get

a phone call from him then i'll call back in he doesn't where can i call him at where's he at

you can leave a message for him here what no where's the corporate headquarters valenta

valente is all you need valente i'm with valente and associates yes and i happen to be a ceo myself

of valente and associates great in oklahoma city and i and i don't have a habit of i come here

here once a month to handle business and every time i come here and i get the most substandard

stake from from apparent immigrants or something that was going on here with these people that

work here named fernando and gonzalez now now you're now you're speaking offensively about

race i'm hispanic sir put up with it why don't you give me your phone number and you can call

me back whenever you calm down and stop racial slurs and feminine slurs toward everyone on my

team here i'm not going to tolerate it what is your phone number valente 405 no wait a minute

yeah 405 six it's a new number six six okay great and listen honey you just sit there and be pretty

and make sure you get that um message out to the ceo as you said honey okay sweetie yeah okay thank

you baby all right that's a firecracker right there wow that's that's the worst ever

ever gone with me and my winning women she felt she's a firecracker right there that's what i said

right did you guys hear that part firecracker girls like to be called that she really wasn't

having a dude from the she's like don't please don't call me honey dude she had them panties

all notched up tight they were clear up around that waist panty pants she's one of those don't

call me a chick chicks you know what i mean code 1137 we have lost cyclone cyclones i wear cotton

Cotton panties because they're not sexy.

What the fuck?

Where'd that come from?

All right.

Because she's wearing man pants.

And then, you know, she's got cotton panties, the granny ones.

You know, the big tall ones.

Not the sexy sat ones, you know, the hot girls wear.

You can't tell me granny panties aren't sexy.

Come on now.

Oh, man.

When they get those stains, those brown stains.

Yeah, man.

It's good.

Oh, yeah.

Little clips on them.

Hanging them down, you know, the garter clips.

There you go.

Garter clips.

Oh, garter clips are sexy though, Morkman.

What are you talking about?

Hey, we're calling your favorite guy, Zyclon.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

He didn't answer.

Your buddy, Charlie, didn't answer.

Sorry, guy.

Hi, Zyclon.

Talking to you.

Hey, I'm back.

Okay.

Another problem is the constant crashing.

Gotta love it.

Why don't you answer your phone?

Whose cock are you sucking?

You son of a whore.

Speaking of which, we have a Turkish restaurant here.

let's play some of that audio let me get it ready here some of that uh turkish horse audio yeah you

missed some good voicemails there zyklon that was part of it i just repeated to you

oh uh if i give you my if carlito i'll send you my email address by skype i am can you send them

to me sure you have an email address yeah i'll i'll skype i am you oh that's cool man where'd

you get it that's just like carlito begging on me for still having a hotmail account

it's still Comcast

or I should say

Bombcast

oh my god

get away from that

get a gmail account

what's this turkey's

real name anyway

good evening

I'm Tony Antebo

hello

yes hello

can you hear me

yes

yes I'm going to

put my friend on the phone

who do you want to speak to

I'm going to put my friend

on the phone

to make an order

at the moment

we're closing sir

they sure are too fucking loud there for this to work at fucking assholes god damn it

yeah next time tell them ask them hey anybody speak turkish well of course they do they're

just a turkish restaurant right we're closing it's like you sound pretty fucking open to me

gonna say yeah hold on can i call him please i i think i can piss him off no hang on let's do

this one first and we'll call that guy okay you sit there and be pretty hello turkish yes i do

speak turkish yes sir i'm gonna put my friend on the line to make an order sorry it's too loud

there can you make it quiet can i make quite what make people quiet tell the people to be quiet so

so i can play this for you to listen it is a little bit can you speak a lot louder i cannot

hear you i want you to shut up and may tell the people to shut up asshole too loud too loud for

me all right she doesn't know how to operate a goddamn phone it's a problem it's really loud

in the kitchen telling you that's where the women are you're right good point zyklon that's right

she's got a problem with her hearing aid here's sofa sofa kebab the next person that refuses

Take your order tell me we want to put their ass cheeks on the flat grill in the back

Okay, can I take this one? Nope. Not yet. Not yet. Hang on buddy. Okay

Let me help you. Yes. Do you speak Turkish? Yes, I do. Okay, I'm gonna put my friend on the phone

It's too fucking loud go fuck yourself

Asshole.

Here, Zyklon, you do it because it's so fucking loud they can't hear the recording.

They're so stupid.

Got a fucking jet plane in the back of the restaurant.

God, all of them do.

What's with these Turkish people?

I don't know.

On the fucking phone.

Jesus.

All of them have cheap phones.

Five dollar phone.

Thanks for calling Suffolk Abogacet.

How may I help you?

Hi, is this a Greek restaurant?

This is a Turkish restaurant.

Are you sure you're not Greek?

Because, you know, Greeks are like civilized and all that.

No, I'm sure this is Turkish.

So you're like dirty Muslims then, and not civilized Greeks?

Yes, that's what it means.

So what do you have? Do you have Malacca, or do you have like dirty Turkish food?

Um, we have like the gyros, which is like Greek.

Like Greek, so it's like Christian Turkish food then?

I'm sorry?

So it's like only half dirty then?

Yeah, only half.

Do you have your sister?

No.

You don't have your sister? What about your mother?

Not tonight. No, I was only yesterday.

Ah, can you come in front of me in love?

Yeah, sorry, that's special. We're not yesterday.

Come on. What do you guys have?

Um, is there anything you're actually gonna order?

Uh, I don't know. What's your menu?

Um, well, we have, like, lamb, chicken, beef. We have plates, sandwiches, wraps. Like, what kind of, what are you interested in? Like, what kind of food do you want?

Do you have penis?

um nope um if you're not gonna order anything i have some better things to do are you actually

gonna order anything yes i'm gonna order the penis how about the turkey oh boo i definitely

liked how he said don't fight thank you zyclone for that that was great sorry i was just trying

to get him to get somehow pissed off the greek thing was okay and then you know i don't know

all right man don't worry here's a place in san diego maybe it won't be so loud there

it'll probably be staffed with Mexicans though because of San Diego I have the

vapors yes hi do you folks speak Turkish there do you speak Turkish no oh what is

this people I'm sorry what people are you where are you from what is your

peoples let me get the manager hold on ask mexican mexican man hello this is ramon

i'm the manager not sure if woman or money and cotton

let's go back cause she's not gonna come back

oh yeah yeah now it's busy oh fuck that place so at least it wasn't super loud but they don't

speak greek there or whatever turkish so that's like yeah you gotta probably give about 10 minutes

for the manager to come back in and hang the phone up and then try it well i wanted to mention

he'll be looking for the call then i milkman i want to ask you for a dream interpretation here

i keep i've had this dream in the last month or so i've had it a few times this last week

i had it about three times it's really weird i'm in a plane okay like a regular like a boeing plane

you know like a regular airliner taking a flight somewhere i don't know in the air like in the air

yeah okay there's other passengers there's a regular plane flight but the plane doesn't leave

like it takes off from the airport and i'm looking out the window and it's it stays like almost on

street level like it's right above the street traffic and it's the plane is flying okay and

it's going over the cars but it doesn't like go high enough it stays like the over it's going

under overpasses yeah i know yeah going it's going under the street signs like you know the

highway is too close to the ground man close to the ground barely got off the ground and never

and it looks like it's going to hit the overpasses and people start screaming and it still makes it

and and it never was other people what yeah there it never crashes but everyone's like oh my god

it's there's a pilot yeah there's well i mean i'm like well the last few times the first few times

that i had it um i couldn't see the pilots i was just in a seat you know no cockpit sealed up the

last time that last time the last time i had it i was up like in the in the front section of the

plane i could see the pilots and they're just like chilling like it was nothing like oh don't

worry we'll be up in a moment and and we're like we're going near mountains and stuff and

like we're still flying there's no accident but people some people are scared some people like

oh who cares like some people like chill out i have no idea what i don't know destination or

where you departed or the last time for some reason the destination the last time the destination was

alaska i have no idea why like i knew for a fact we were going to alaska i don't know why

it was like to a wedding i think some kind of big event some kind of wedding he's dressed for

alaska weather he was wearing parker or some shit or camera lines or just i don't even know what i

was i wasn't dressed special i didn't remember it but the plane never gets off the ground super

high it takes off but it never fucking gets up you know to normal yeah no what you're the one

the only one that you know in the dream everybody else are strangers so far yeah but but the last

Last time my mom was on the plane in, like, three rows of back.

Are you seated?

Are you seated, like, strapped to a seat, or how are you visualizing yourself?

I'm in the seat, like, normal with the seat belt on.

Yeah, regular plane, just, you know, just like a normal takeoff.

Yeah, it's really, really tricky.

Problems, man.

Yeah.

There's some kind of problem that's confronting you,

and usually, like, ones, like, where you're, like, in the air,

but you're, like, kind of, like, very close to the ground,

but you're like trying to go over a problem like whatever your obstacle is is something that's

difficult and it's going on in your conscious thing in your life and then in your dream then

like when you're trying to fly over these things you're trying to get over an obstacle so there's

something that's in your in your way or blocking you in your life your dream is your escape from

it to like try and like you know you're almost gonna hit but you're barely gonna get over it

you know it's just like it's so dangerous in the dream because like you know you're very

close to this obstacle you know you're gonna hit it you know head on or you're gonna actually

gonna sail over it you know so that's usually what the flying dreams are and being close to

ground shit sits yeah so that's what i gather from is just like i'm not able to over yeah

just kind of parallel to any obstacle or something that was in your mind you know

during the time before or you know with the dream usually it gets triggered i get the flying dream

mine is like i'll be you know something gonna be happening i'll be in traffic or whatever i'll be

walking and all of a sudden man these people where everybody's going to salon like damn i get so

darn mad i just think so hard like i just start flying up in the air you know you know kind of

like you know it's like a bird all of a sudden like you're just flying over all these people

and the harder you think the higher you get right and then right then you start to like

you know you're not paying attention then you like get scared you're gonna start falling down

you almost hit the ground and you start flying it's the same one dude it's trying to get over

an obstacle it's weird man i just thought i'd bring that up it's weird that it's happened

and this week especially if it's very loud you're getting uh uh some kind of uh you know

answering your dreams so there could be some solutions in your dream as you see how it

resolves and you know the adventure continues but it's an obstacle it might mean that i'm just gay

also you know well if you definitely seen yourself in the bathroom man and you had blue stuff on your

on your pee pee there that could be an indication is up to something carnal nature i don't know man

dream interpretations with milkman i thought he'd be good at that you know you know what i want to

do i want to do one of those native american sweat tents i want to do that i want to you know

You know, go in the tent.

Fuck, yeah.

Yeah.

And fucking sit in that tent there and see what's there, man.

Yeah, because it's really the other side of the world, man.

It's the one most people don't see.

Yeah, what's peyote do?

Do you ever take peyote milk, man?

Does it really fuck you up a lot?

What is it, like a cactus, right?

It's like a cactus.

Oh, that's the ultimate.

That's the ultimate one right there, man.

Yeah, there you go.

That's the one.

You ever get the outer mask on, that's the one that does it all.

it's like it's very intense man it's like i can't how can i explain it you get like time like uh

diverge uh converging so like future as in past all kind of like like merging the one and it's

like it's a real it's a strange state you know you kind of like you know you kind of know what's

going to happen and it's like you know it's all in one you see everything at once it's just

how you explain it i don't know sounds trippy that's what that sounds like to me how about

that it is very far out yeah yeah like like like i've seen stuff in the sky like like planet look

like saturn and yeah it was just like oh lord yeah that's so fun yeah man this one tomorrow

this one time i was on acid i was on acid once and like i looked up in the sky and this this

big zipper came was in the sky and it started unzipping and i got scared about what was going

gonna come out and i ran and i hit no that's there's a giant penis coming out i didn't get

to see it i was scared i just ran inside of mcdonald's

that's actually a lewis black it's a lewis black joke i just said that's really

when he said that in the stand-up was funny hello speaking of

Hello

Yes hello Mr. Pope

Congratulations

I want you to know that you've been nominated

As a Pope candidate

Coming up here for the new Vatican conclave

That's going to be happening next month

We're going to get lost

Well you're going to be the Pope

I was very

I was wondering if you have any suggestions

Play that Turkish guy too

If you can get him to play along

No no no let's make Pope

Can I talk to him

Sure, yeah. Same guy.

Hello?

Mr. Pope?

Will you stop ringing up, please?

No, this is the Vatican. You have to be the Pope.

We need a leader.

No, no, no. We need you, because you're the Pope.

Well, I'm not the Pope.

No, but you're Pope.

It says in the phone book, Pope.

Well, so what are you going to be?

John Paul III? Benedict XVII?

What's it going to be?

Excuse me, Mr. Pope, are you there?

Hello, this is Larry's supervisor.

What we need you to do is we need you to go to your fireplace

and do you have any presto logs?

If you have any presto logs, we need you to light one

and then go outside and look to see what color smoke is coming out of your chimney.

If it's black smoke, you're out.

If it's white smoke, you're confirmed.

He's gone, he's gone.

When you were naming off names

You should have asked him

If he was Reggie the Fifth

Tell him you're Cardinal Larry

I like that

Here's another Pope

Here's a different Pope now

A lot of Popes out there, you know

Can I take this one?

Sure, man

Do you see I found the plane

That you were on in your dream there, Carlito?

Yeah

I've

never been flying a plane in a dream.

I've just been in the passenger.

Yeah, it was your passenger.

I got the video.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Pope.

Speaking.

Yes, hi.

My name is Mr. Snozzwell.

I'm calling from Vatican City in Rome.

and we're pleased to inform you that you've been listed on the shortlist of

candidates for the the new papacy how do you feel about that do I know what that

you're on the shortlist for becoming the new Pope in Rome so do you have a

fireplace in your house do I know what a fireplace in your house no no no can you

do you have a backyard or a front yard someplace where you can go outside which

Well, what we need you to do is we need you to go outside, or preferably if you had a fireplace,

we need you to light a small fire and then observe the smoke that's coming out of the fire

and then report back to us what the color of that smoke is.

If it's black smoke, you're off the list.

If it's white smoke, we will be pleased to inform you that you are now the new Pope.

I ain't got nothing like that.

No? Why not?

Pardon?

Why not? Can you go outside? Do you have a porch?

I have a porch, yes.

Yes, can you go out on your porch and take a piece of newspaper?

Can you go out onto your porch and take a piece of newspaper and light it on fire?

Take a piece of what?

Newspaper.

You know, the paper that has the news on it?

Yes.

And light it on fire.

I'm not with you.

And then you need to observe the color of the smoke.

You know what?

Here, let me put my supervisor, Mr. Cross, on the phone.

He can explain it better than me.

Mr. Cross, are you there?

Yes, hello, my son.

This is Mr. Cross.

Hello.

Yes, hi.

We're trying to see if you're going to be the new pope.

You're Mr. Pope, correct?

Yes.

Well, you're on a short list of people who will become the new pope of the Catholic Church.

We're going to promote you to pope, full pope, instead of just last name pope.

Isn't that exciting?

You understand the pope is retiring, the old pope, and you can be the new pope.

Now, since you don't have a fireplace or anything to burn, can you fart in your hand and smell it?

I ain't got nothing like that.

Do you have an ass?

Pardon?

Do you have an ass?

I have an ass.

An ass?

Yes.

Pardon?

Can you put your hand on your ass and fart and then smell it on your bum?

It shouldn't be so bad.

Well, we want to see if you're the Pope, so if you fart in your ass, if you fart out

of your ass into your hand and smell it and you tell us what it smells like, we can run

it through the computer here and see if you're the new Pope.

No, I don't want none of that.

Come on, fart in your hand.

Just fart in your hand.

All right.

Smell it.

Fart.

Nobody got time for that.

He's just too hard of hearing.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

He does have an ass, though.

It smells better than my mouth.

I laughed in the beginning of that because I was reading FedEx, his comment in the chat,

for you to talk with a heavy accent and pronounce it as poop instead of poof.

The poop.

What is this all about?

Mr. Poop.

There's not poop.

Mr. Poop.

We're the hook, line, and sinker.

Oh, why am I talking there?

What the fuck?

Listen.

Hi.

I'm a very fast lady.

I have a poop.

I was going to start running the printer, but then I figured I guess he actually would have

to fart in his hand and smell it to analyze it.

That wouldn't work.

More poops then?

More poops?

Might as well.

Why not?

Fat's in the fire.

Here we go.

KJ Poop.

I call this one.

Oh, speaking of the fat in the fire, man.

Fuck you, I want it.

I know.

How about that?

No, I don't.

I don't want to know

Oh man, it's a big fight over the number

You guys

I don't care, can't deny it

Have Ralph do it, Ralph is going to do it

Do Zyklon, you want him so bad

Hi, is this Mr. Poop?

My name is Larry, I'm from the Vatican

I'm calling to let him know

That he is the next candidate to be Pope

Dreadful

It is dreadful

Try it again

How dare you

Say poop after a while

you're from the vatican nomination machine

that's what she said you heard her

all right here's another pope gh pope i'll do this one how about that unless you want a can

because you're next you haven't done one you're a chicken i'll do it probably isn't gonna be

very good

let's see what we got here come front of us

what's his name pope hello mr pope available pardon mr pope

from the vatican machines nomination services

hello that's my fault that's my fault i think the audio is low on their end mr pope

what are you doing can't we watch it sunday morning well we're calling what time is it

we're calling to let you know that you've been nominated for the next papacy because you're a

a pope do what you're one of the popes right am i what you're a pope yes yeah so we want you to

come to the vatican and you're going to be in the running to be the next catholic pope you like that

one yes bye bye all right good you had a good time with that hey you gave me a good laugh you know

yeah good chuckle yeah i love the timing of the sound effect that was a good one good timing on

that thank you if i don't mind so you know what time it is okay overseas every goddamn time you

know what time it is actually he was just he was the first one of the night we've been we usually

hear quite a few of those from the beginning all through the night that's usually uk where

where were they from speaking of pope

so let's hope john paul ii really loud we were in we were in rome and we went to uh

uh visit the vatican and we saw him crossing the street did he say send us your boys send us your

boys virginity send us your boys god send us your boys walk to the sky voicemail of zero

evil arties but cherry here's a joke what do michael jackson and catholic priest have in common

the sense of little boys oh wait fuck i really messed that one up

it's what's the difference between michael jackson and a catholic priest

where the hush money comes from

you're about as good as fucking zappos

i've been drinking that should be joking today what are you drinking there beer

that would explain it beer that's poor man's drink you know that's why i'm drinking some

crown royal some fine canadian whiskey there you go you see and ken what are you drinking

in there poor people uh beer also right yeah they're pretty shitty stuff 211 that chew the

stuff you chew yeah i'm chewing the can i didn't even open the shit i'm fucking billy goating it

i'm just chewing through the fucking can get the liquid yeah you know sometimes i like to poke a

hole in a soda can and just drink it through the hole i don't know why it just feels good we can't

all be sophisticated and be drinking that fucking johnny walker stuff i haven't touched i haven't

yeah i haven't had a drink in a few weeks now since the holidays i need to get some moonshine

moonshine's good shit fuck you make some i should it's a rock cut

is that your recording hello is this mrs poop mrs pope who's that oh this is cross i'm calling

I'm calling from the Vatican. Is this Mrs. Pope?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Is this Mrs. Pope? Damn it.

Who are you?

I'm calling from the Vatican. This is Cardinal Cross.

Calling from where?

The Vatican City in Rome.

Rome?

Yes. Um, is this Mrs. Pope?

You can't be the next Pope because you're a woman. Is the man of the house there?

I'm sorry, I can't quite understand you, sir. I'm afraid I'll have to put the phone down.

No, no, don't put it down. Keep it up. Okay? Don't do it. Please? Okay?

okay hello why why is mr pope there oh jesus christ yeah are they all hard of hearing all

the popes you're dying they're all right it's loud we all know old people can't keep it up

not so loud milkman hello can you hear me now damn it who is it this is the cross i'm cross

i'm mr cross who i'm mr cross what's wrong with you why don't you hear me fucking shit you hear

hear me now fucking shit hello jesus it's mr crotch damn it mr crotch fucking yell at your

ears lady god get the corn cobs out i don't know johnny b would say get the corn cobs out of your

ears honey jesus zola would say get the cum drops out of your ears you're picking good

Talk to Zolar. He's going to buy

a Porsche 944.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, 1985 Porsche 944.

Tell him to get a turbo.

Well, let me run it by you, because I don't know

much about cars, but I told him I'd ask

some people. Let me tell you

what it was. Hang on.

I don't think this one's going to answer. It's a Porsche,

a 1985 Porsche 944

with 92,000 miles on it.

Damn. Seems pretty low mileage.

It's a good deal. Yeah, it's

It's always been in a heated garage.

The interior is nice and new.

Cherry baby kit.

They're asking $5,800 for it.

Hell, yeah.

$5,800.

That's a good price.

How much?

$5,800.

Wow.

He's like, he doesn't know much about cars.

I know a little more, but not that much.

And I told him, well, it looks like a good deal for a Porsche 944, 1985.

He said it's old, but it's barely been used.

He said it still looks mint condition inside.

The interior is mint condition.

uh yeah here's the thing though red tell him to find his nearest porsche dealership

or not but a nearby shop that handles in porsches because at that age it's going to be going in for

maintenance or service pretty often yeah you're going to want to get it maintained well the thing

is is that uh people that own those cars usually take pretty good care of them so it's not like

you're buying uh you know what's the car you always say you've got uh in the pint calls i forget

Ford Focus 92,000 miles.

That's it, man.

And it's just barely broken.

Yeah, in my case, I've got to take my car in fairly regularly to get looked at

because it's an older turbo model.

Well, this guy, the guy that's selling it told Zola that he takes it to shows

and stuff like that.

So, you know, he's taking care of it.

Right.

So that's what I told him.

I said, dude, if that's the case, I told him,

I would test drive it just because of the age,

but if it looks like it's handling, okay, I'd get it.

Yeah, a good mechanic could look at it over a year or two, man.

I'd get one mechanic.

And get the Carfax.

Get the Carfax to him, you know?

Carfax for sure.

Yeah, I'd get more than one mechanic to look at it, ideally.

Get a Mexican mechanic because they know what they're doing, too.

That's right.

Mexican mechanics do know what they're doing.

They do know what they're doing.

Who am I kidding?

They know.

Mexicans know, man.

The problem is you don't know what they're doing.

That is the problem

They're scoping out the car

So they can tell their cousin Jose

Hey man

Hey Jose

Bring Jose in the seat man

We got some nice real shit man

Leaving condoms in the trunk of the car

Bitches in the backseat

Is this another Pope?

Of course

Oh shit

I forgot that number Brad sent

Oh.

Hi, is this Mr. Pope?

Yes.

Hi, this is Larry from Vatican Clearinghouse.

I'm calling to let you know you are on the short list to be the next Pope of the Catholic Church.

How do you feel?

That's how he feels.

He said, oh, go away.

Oh, go away.

He's calling back and asking what time it is.

Hang on.

Before that, let me do this number that Brad sent in.

I totally forgot.

And Ken, you're complaining too.

You should have called him the N-word before you hung up.

That's right.

I haven't said the N-word at least once.

What's going on?

It's like...

It is Lent, you know.

Fuck Lent.

Hello.

We are not available now.

Fuck Lent.

That's an N-word holiday.

Okay.

The person you have called at 5-1.

Win, win, win.

Oh, Hermano.

Hey, did you hear about Dieters?

Hermano?

The dead?

No.

What?

He lost his virginity.

Can you knock one back?

Check up.

In St. Martin.

He's in St. Martin?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is this Peter Del Duca?

Speaking, yes.

Yeah, listen, we got a complaint here about the flowers.

Yeah.

You left a complaint.

What's the problem here?

You know, it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but you caused a really big problem here with this complaint.

They're pulling people into the office, and someone's getting fired.

Is that what you wanted?

I don't know exactly what it was.

You said a sloppy arrangement.

What's the big deal, that someone's going to lose their job over this?

Listen, it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

I don't care.

Why don't you take your flyers and shove them up your ass?

You should have accused him for calling your customer service rep and-

Hey, I was gonna say, don't complain like some uppity-

Ah, Zyklon, you could have just not said that word for once.

I said it the one time, now you can edit it out.

Well, nigger nigger's pick joke.

You know, it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

Listen, you called my customer service associate and-

I didn't call your customer service.

Your customer service called me.

Yeah, and you called him an a**hole, it says here.

I said what?

You said that you called him an a**hole, it says here.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

You used, you throw this word around.

I did not.

You use this word every day.

I did not use that word.

Say it.

Say it now, just to get it out of the way.

That's what kind of nasty person you are.

I did not.

Just say it.

Say it, brother.

I'm on it.

Truth will set you free.

It's one o'clock in the morning anyway, whatever.

It's one fifteen nine o'clock.

Hello?

we are not available who's vibrating he's vibrating there milkman milkman hey baby what is

that hey honey jesus sound like a good i actually surprised milkman hasn't fallen asleep yet

i know right milkman what's up man you partying no work tomorrow president's day off oh no i got

a work man this is my shit time okay it was pretty funny actually i put me uh on the flowers i got

my wife on the on the card a little you know you can put a little card on there i put a happy

president's day and she thought it was funny her co-workers thought it was funny too no i want to

tell you you realize or hear about eaters i was asking you that uh no what he's in saint martin

really in the caribbean yeah yeah i talked to him he's in saint martin this crazy motherfucker he

was going to uh the big easy and whatever the people he had lined up man like canceled on his

ass at the last minute he said got pissed off he said i'll change my tickets man he went to

saint martin dude he's talking to me down there that's cool i've been there twice it's a really

cool place because it's half french and half dutch you know yeah yeah yeah you can yeah it's

it's a really cool side that's uh yeah it's a cool the island itself is only a few miles long

you can get from the island where like 747s like land right over the beach yeah yeah there's a one

the prince whatever there's a beach and the airport uh yeah they're literally like yeah

you could think you could yeah they're coming about as low as in my dream yeah basically

it's funny he had me talking to this uh uh one of these chicks there man at the bar man he was

that was hilarious man suzanne yeah last time i wanted to see martin it was on my cruise and we

took a excursion on these jeeps it was really cool we toured the whole island and then it was

It was really dope.

The Suzuki's?

Yeah.

I don't know if it was Suzuki.

Did you get the Suzuki's?

Didn't have the...

Yeah, I had one of those, man.

That's where I drove when I lived in St. Croix, man.

I drove one of those.

Yeah, yeah.

We drove one of those.

We'd have to put the top down all the time, man.

Yeah.

You just flip it up.

The rest time, you get that motherfucker down.

We had the top down, and we were playing at a local radio station.

It was reggae, and it was just cursing.

It was reggae music and all this.

It was fuck, bitch, fucking, bitch, bitch, fucking, bitch, motherfucker.

98.7, man.

and that yeah that's right out of that's how yeah i mean i know exactly that station it's

off the air now yeah it was out of bvi it was a hell of a good station i was cursing and we're

driving around and we got to this beach and then we took these little these um uh what are they

called what are those boats uh zodiac boats we got to drive these zodiac boats to the to this

private beach and the water was so oh yeah there's straight to the bottom dude it was so fucking

dope man we have so much foot visibility when you get in that level when you're

down there at that latitude man you get a hundred foot visibility easily man

didn't look like bright like like turquoise like brand-blue yeah yeah man

it was really cool say we got a hundred feet of water and that's what a hundred

foot of water looks like over top of white sand it was really cool this run

the zodiac boats and then you would land on the beach you would beat him and I

was like hell yeah I felt like a Navy SEAL was like fuck yeah I'm a Navy SEAL

beach and i was like we're gonna milkman did you ever go out to any reefs in uh the virgin islands

oh hell yeah i got my i had my c card man and i've been out there i did the drift and

did the you know the snorkeling they got some pretty cool ones over this place called buck

island right off of uh um christian stead harbor man it's pretty a lot one of the better probably

one of the best they say uh snorkel tours with the reef you can see uh they got a moray they

They've got different places you go to, like stations.

It's got, like, map underwater, so you just, like, swim along.

And they've got a nice boat, and you can get drunk on rum.

Hell, yeah, man.

Yeah, I saw some nice reefs.

Canaan Bay's got some great reefs.

That's cool.

Yeah, I remember going snorkeling in Mexico.

Watch out with Mexico, man.

Things are bad.

You said you're going to Mexico?

Cancun, baby.

Cancun's not too bad, but everywhere else in Mexico is just bad.

Yeah, you want to be careful in Mexico, man.

Man, if you even get a little bit out on the outskirts of that place there,

that Cancun, you can get in trouble.

Yeah, even in Cancun, it's all about the rustica.

Everywhere in Mexico is bad.

Even some parts of Cancun, like Tijuana, is bad.

Even, like, Monterey, Mexico used to be so nice.

It's still a bad place to go.

They used to say Monterey, Mexico was the safest place in Latin America

a few years ago.

Now it's really dangerous.

I would say go to the Caribbean, dude,

If you're going to do anything, go to the Caribbean, man.

Yeah, I'd probably go to Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico's not bad.

Some of the other islands are fun, too, man.

You go to St. Martin's.

It's American, too.

You don't have to have a passport.

Virgin Islands, too.

You go to the Virgin Islands.

You guys drive on the regular side of the road, don't you?

Yeah, Puerto Rico, yeah.

That's right.

If you go to the Virgin Islands, you're going to be driving the left side of the road.

You'll get confused.

Side right-hand car.

Yeah, Puerto Rico, it's the same side as on the States.

Yeah, it's no different.

Yeah, Virgin Islands is the opposite side.

Virgin Islands, you're going to be driving on the English side, man.

It's hilarious, dude.

You got the, you're like driving a postal vehicle.

Because basically, man, like, okay, like, everybody, you know, that's driving on the left lane, shit, we'd be driving along.

And you see somebody standing on the side of the road, man, walking their horse or, you know, with their goats or whatever.

You stop there and just sit there and chat, my son, you know.

Nigga, hell, we got fucking traffic back up, man.

These fucking goats backing up over the road, shit, and sheep shitting everywhere.

where it's just like,

eh, man,

they're sitting there

bullshitting,

you know,

no big deal, man.

Got the fucking lane blocked.

Virgin Islands is cool.

Either of those,

Zyklon.

Puerto Rico's fun to use.

That was the first thing

I saw.

I laughed my ass off

those fucking goats

when I first got off

in St. Croix.

There were goats

going across the road,

shitting everywhere,

and people just sitting there

just like,

you know,

not batting an eye

like it's a regular.

You could fuck them.

Yeah, Zyklon,

if you go to Puerto Rico,

let me know.

Get with me,

and I'll tell you

some places to go.

I know that place

It's in the back of my hand, so...

Oh, yeah.

Go up the radar, man.

Listen, we got a dog sitter here that was sent in by a Mizzou fan.

Dog sitter.

Here we go.

Dog sitting.

Oh, fuck.

It means a piece of shit.

Don't call his number.

It means a piece of shit.

Because he likes Missouri.

He likes St. Louis Blues, fucker.

Yeah, high speeds make it a good point.

Yeah, they drive on the left side, but in American cars.

That would suck.

Yeah, it's...

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not a good idea.

so you really there's really bad blind spots i've never driven in virgin islands but yeah it's like

driving everybody's driving mail everyone drives crazy there anyway but you can just

the google subscriber you have called is not available you reach right out i mean

the mail right in the box if you wanted to you reach out to take a guy's hand man

driving on the left side is hard enough um i went to sydney australia and i rented a car there

and so i got my car in downtown sydney at rush hour on monday morning and we had to drive out

of the city and i nearly had a heart attack it was it sucked yeah yeah well hey you remember

milkman you remember when you when you first left uh the virgin islands when you got that job in

colorado and yeah i told you about that you called me and you're like shit i was driving on the wrong

side of the road i've been driving on the fucking interstate dude i went up the wrong way on the

fucking interstate i'm about you're like dude i've been on the virgin island for like 10 fucking

fucking years i've been driving on the left hand side of the road you know man like you know and i

know like i it was natural as soon as i got there man i just burn out took off because just like

driving in the country roads out in the country where i used to where i grew up at man it's

fucking hilarious man oh my god i did that when i first got on st croix too man i got out there

you know i it would have been by getting some rum so i test out and i'm like oh man big shot

coming right out in the wrong fucking lane everybody's and i'm like oh shit yeah i did

I did that in Australia a couple of times.

I nearly gave my wife a heart attack.

Yeah, yeah.

Milkman Claus was like, dude, I'm here in Colorado three days,

and I already freaking went down the wrong side of the road a few times.

So I started laughing like, oh, man.

Hey, Carlito, I sent you a couple numbers for hotels in the city in Russia

that got hit by the meteor.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, cool.

Sounds good.

Did you send those to me on the IM, right?

Yeah, actually there's one in the Skype chat right now, Hotel Meridian.

I've got a question for them.

Okay, it's in the Skype chat.

You want to call them?

Sure.

Here you go.

Hello, do you speak English?

Yes.

Yes, hello.

I just recently arrived in your city.

I can't pronounce it.

I had a couple of questions.

Do you have any accommodations?

I'd like to make a reservation.

Well, we have accommodations and what number you would like.

What number? I'd like one.

I mean, the luxury room or the bedroom.

Luxury room. What do you get with the luxury room?

There's two rooms. There is a bedroom and other room.

There is a TV and sofas.

Nice. Now, I've got some issues. I'm a little bit nervous.

I mean, am I correct in this is the city that the meteor came down the other day? Is that correct?

correct? Yes, two days ago. Was there any damage to the room? Are the windows intact? No, no, no,

everything is okay. Okay, but I'm kind of scared. Have you had more meteors coming down since

yesterday? No. I mean, I really would like to come. I mean, I'm actually already here. I need

a place to stay, but I'm kind of scared. Would you have somebody that could come up and stay with me

tonight and kind of hold my hand because i'm very scared very nervous about this everything will be

okay so don't worry will you come up will you come up and stay with me and hold my hand until i fall

asleep tonight you would yeah i wouldn't do you have a like a concierge that can come up could

he come up and i mean i'm very scared i've got a lot of money

we don't have very.

Listen, I'm American, so I have a lot of money to spend.

And there's a very good tip involved.

If you could come up and just stay with me and maybe just stroke my head,

maybe whisper to me that everything's going to be okay everything's going to be okay but we don't

have this service you don't you don't have a like a bellboy that could come up and do that service

for me no no well let me just ask you this could you would you just like to come up and stay with

me i'm not really scared i i came in earlier today and i saw you and i really liked you and

i just want you to come up i'm sorry but we don't have the service it's okay i mean if if i know if

If you really want to, just hit the number one.

I know that there's probably other people around and you can't say anything.

Maybe your boss is there.

If you want to come up and stay in my room, hit the number one.

If you don't, hit the number two.

Sorry, nobody wants to come up to your room because we don't have the service that you mentioned.

No, do you know somebody that I could call that does have that service?

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

You don't know? Why not?

You can come up to the room, stay in our hotel, so if you like, but there is no service in our hotel.

How about if I call down to the front desk and I use a code word?

How about if I call down and I'll say, the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring,

and that means that it's okay to come up, and then you can come up.

How about that? I'll do that.

Yeah, that's right. I'll go up to the room, and I know that you're probably just a little bit shy

because you have your boss around or there's other customers around

and you can't say anything right now.

But if I go up to the room at about 1 in the morning,

I'll call down to the front desk and I'll say,

the rivers in Volgograd are cold in the spring.

And then you'll know it's okay to come up.

Do we have an understanding?

I'm sorry, not just by...

Well, what's the issue?

I mean, you never know.

A meteor might come down and hit the city again and we could all die.

I mean, I might as well just live for today.

We could not die because everything is fine.

Well, how do you know that?

I didn't know that one meteor was coming down.

Sorry.

Was that you hitting the number one?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I will expect you up here at 1 a.m.

Okay?

Hello?

I guess she's coming up at 1.

I like the sturping, sturping the head.

Hold on.

Can I take the next one?

Sure.

You want to talk to her, too?

You want to get your heads?

Actually, yes.

Yes.

Let me talk to her.

I'm going to rub your head.

Which one, man?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I wasn't real specific about that, was I?

Yes, do you speak English?

Yes.

This is Comrade Larry with State Security.

We were intercepting that phone call and understood that an American tried to ask you for sex.

Is this correct?

Yes.

Okay, can you describe the American to me, please?

Sorry, I don't understand you.

Will you describe this American?

Sorry, there's some problem on the line.

I can't hear you, what you're saying.

Why are you accepting an American's offer for sex?

Are you not a good patriotic woman?

Sorry, I don't hear you, what you're saying.

Could you just call back?

Stupid line.

What a bullshit about the line.

Well, yeah, that was pretty funny.

All right, let me try to talk to her now.

Marianne.

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from the American Embassy.

Can you hear me?

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, hi.

Hi, my friend was telling me that this is a good hotel to come, that the women come to the bed with you and tell you everything's going to be okay.

Sorry, but we don't have this service.

Well, do you have any suggestion?

Maybe a man, is there a man who can come and touch and kiss me and say, hey, it's okay, honey, baby?

No, we don't have this service.

I have American money.

It's the best money in the world.

I will give you some.

uh sorry not money doesn't matter because we don't have this service um i'll let you marry

me and then you can become an american citizen that's every dream of every girl in the world

is to become no not mine thank you very much why would you want to be a russian citizen it's so

dirty they're nasty you know i love my city i love my country yeah but you're bad people you're uh

soviet union you know it's bad country evil the evil empire no you know you come with me

and sit in the hotel room and if I'll make you a woman and then I'll bring you

home sorry we don't have this service do you have a husband now sorry we don't

have this service you have nobody knows about that do you have husband sorry you

don't have husband then it's okay honey don't be you don't be scared maybe don't

you wouldn't you call here because we don't have this service and I suppose

that you wouldn't like our hotel because of this service you that we don't have

I like girls, sexy girls like you.

You know, you sound sexy, you know?

I'm sorry.

She's getting turned on.

She's getting turned on, guys.

You heard her?

She wants...

I think so.

I don't understand.

How come there's all these Russian mail-order brides

who are just dying to get out of Russia,

and she likes her so much?

Mob.

You know?

Doesn't make...

The mob, yeah, right.

She sounds hot, though.

She sounds fit.

She does.

Yeah.

You know, they speak pretty good English over there.

Mm-hmm.

Is that Moscow, I think we're recalling?

I don't know.

No, it's like Chernobylisk or something like that.

Chernobylisk.

Oh, that's true.

That's close to, it's like 100 miles away from Moscow or something.

Is it?

Well, I heard wherever the shit hit, wherever the shit hit the fan, it was like about 100

miles away.

Maybe not.

Maybe it would have been closer.

I don't know.

10 miles away?

The fuck do I know?

The meteor or Chernobyl?

The meteor.

Not Chernobyl.

The meteor.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, apparently, I didn't know that Russians were so into having the dashboard cams because

because insurance fraud is so bad over there.

I guess people throw themselves in the middle of traffic

to try to get false insurance claims.

And they have bad cops that make bad traffic stops.

Yeah, so everyone, for the most part,

well, a lot of people put those dash cams there to protect themselves.

And I guess there's a lot of YouTube videos out there

of all the crazy shit that happens.

People drive like shit.

It's third world, what do you expect?

What do you expect?

Yeah, I think you get a lot of crooked cops that will pull you over and shake you down for 100 rubles or whatever.

It's like that everywhere, though, except for any country you go to.

Well, not Europe as much.

I got pulled over in Germany, and the guy comes out.

He tells me, look, normally this is a 100-euro fine, but I have a big heart, and if you give me 20 euros cash, I'll let you go.

What a dick.

Wow.

So I gave him 20 euros.

i just wanted to get the hell out of there i'm gonna fuck that yeah pay him the 20 euros

yeah that was nice of him then yeah the big part on the other hand though is that if you're not

from the eu it's almost impossible to make you pay yeah well i don't think like in well like

in africa and south america like it's either you pay or you go fucking in prison you get

imprisoned or killed or worse that's like the united states if you get a ticket to another

state if you can't pay it right then and there then you fucking go to jail yeah it's not like

that anymore for the most part because if you get a ticket in another state and don't pay they jack

your license hey we're gonna call who do we call in south florida and someone get mad i think the

beater woman's calling back hello what is this this is cross who's this and why are you asking

like that are you with a company well yeah what's the problem what company are you with

there's none of your business i called on personal business and you're putting your

out there for personal business so what's the problem i don't know who you are

But you don't make these kind of phone calls.

I want to tell you what.

You don't go around saying racist things to my customer service associates.

I never said anything to your customer service people.

What was the problem with the stupid flowers?

You didn't like the flowers?

They weren't arranged nice and neat for you?

You're so perfect.

Let me tell you something.

I never saw the flowers.

So why are you complaining?

Why are you complaining, asshole?

You don't talk to me like that.

I said asshole, asshole, like that.

That's what I said.

You're going to be reported to the police.

Whatever.

You do that.

But you never get any flowers from us again.

You're going to be reported to the police.

You take your flowers.

I don't know who you are.

I don't know who you are, but you don't call people up at this time of the morning and speak the way you speak to people.

You don't do that sort of thing.

I'll do what I want when I want.

No, you don't do what you want to do.

I'm doing it right now, asshole.

Why don't you take your flowers and shove them up your ass?

I don't know who you are.

I'm with the flowers.

You're going to be in a lot of trouble.

I'm with the flowers.

I got your telephone number, and you're going to be in a lot of trouble.

You're in big trouble for saying racist things to my employees about the flowers.

I've never said any racist thing to anybody.

I've never said anything racist thing to anybody in my entire life.

You made it big completely.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You said, who put these flowers together?

A nigger spick, you said.

He called me a nigger.

I heard him.

Yeah.

Why did you call me a nigger?

He's gone.

I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.

He sounds Jewish, doesn't he?

You'd know.

Like they said, I'm with the flowers.

I'm with the flowers.

I'm with the pizza.

I'm with the flowers.

Oh, man.

I forgot.

I was like, I know we got a number from that area.

What was it about? I was, like, thinking, like,

what was it? Oh, yeah, the flower.

Maybe that's what this show should be. I'm with the

flowers. I'm with the flowers. There you go. There's a

contender. IMD says

that the guy sounded like a Jewish

ball smuggler. Oh, man.

What's up with him getting flowers and being upset

about them? They were sloppy.

Big deal. It was on Valentine's Day. You know how many

flower arrangements those goddamn poor florists

have to go through on Valentine's Day?

Jesus Christ. All those deliveries

and shit. Where I work...

That's probably the reason they stay in business.

Where I work, that office building, they had, like, two freaking folding tables full of flower arrangements that kept coming in all day.

They had the tables just set up with them when, you know, they would have to call up to the offices and say,

Hey, so-and-so, you got a flower delivery.

Coming and going, flowers, this, and balloons, and chocolates, and all this shit.

Jeez.

Edible panties here.

Fucking edible panties over there.

Fucking everywhere.

Edible body lotions.

So did you send Athena flowers?

on Valentine's Day, Carlito?

Yeah, I did, and I got her the stupid tulips

that were supposed to...

I said about this, the tulips who came,

it was supposed to be tulips

and these other brown larger flowers

that look really dope on the picture

on Pro Flowers,

and all she got were the tulips,

and she liked it.

She likes tulips.

I don't want to get her roses

because everyone gets roses, you know,

so I always like to do something different.

You know, so I got her tulips.

The order got hijacked.

Yeah, I think Brad intercepted the order.

I think Brad intercepted that order, man.

Somebody else got those flowers

You were supposed to receive

And order dandelions too

Well anyway

Isn't there a cactus that has flowers

Oh yeah

Flower cactus

And you can chew them and you get high

I did

But I'm not the Gotham

You can chew on them

Chew the flowers

Why is that guy calling again

Leave me alone asshole

Jesus

jesus let me talk to him he hung up already he let it which one was it which color it didn't

even it didn't have enough time to come through in the id oh okay okay didn't go through and they

flashed for a second oh it was the same same number same number again you want me to call

him i'll call him hang on let me talk to him i'm not afraid of him one answer now maybe he'll call

back again maybe he'll call back again okay guys i'm about to pass out here on the phone i'm gonna

to go ahead and go to bed great talking to y'all see you next week bye there we go there goes

zyklon damn it okay let's look at some more numbers here that we got so uh lonesome is sending

in more numbers it's always helpful rick harrison the guy from pond stars uh he never answers though

this guy well i'll try him hey uh carlito before you call i just wanted to um ask you did you um

hear the breaking news about the new star wars movie i know you're a star wars fan about jj

abrams no that um the word on the street is not supposed to be confirmed any day now that harrison

ford is signed on and to reprise his role as han solo that's good yeah i know that uh the word had

been before the sale to disney that he uh there was a dinner in florida between george lucas george

harrison uh oh god no i forget the actor's names whoever played leah help me out i'm sorry fisher

carrie fisher and the guy that plays luke and um mark hamill yeah they had a dinner together where

they came to an agreement about something no one wanted to talk about it but i think what happened

was lucas is like look i'm gonna do this you know will you guys sign up for the new trilogy

well you know the street beat is also that han is gonna die in the first movie for what i hear

also in the the next movie he will die uh which is fine by me but yeah it's funny because he

talked he talked a lot of shit about star wars afterwards he was like i wish i hate that i wish

i was never in it and you know he can't say it was typecast because he's been in a whole bunch

of shit indiana jones for one and so many other movies that he's been in and he did did that

shitty indiana jones movie not just a few years ago so i don't know why he's like i don't want

want to go back to old roles and shit like that but that's cool that's cool i'm excited about that

you know yeah and they said that the next announcement will be that um like you said

carrie fisher and mark hamill are on board as well that's cool so i can imagine that this is

going to be set some years past the battle of endor then you know if they're going to be older

that'd be i think it's supposed to be about their kids okay all right now so are they going to break

from the novels because i know in the novels that there's there's twins right like uh what is it you

know han and they have twins and what the fuck milkman shut up they have twins and even luke

has a kid and all that stuff are they going to stick to that the new jedi order are they going

to branch off no idea i don't know either well thank you yeah i kind of hope that they uh that

they branch off a bit yeah do their own thing right i really want to see a boba fett movie

you know boba fett movie would be really cool that'd be sweet yeah mandalorian movie kind of

thing that'd be cool you know they should have like a christmas special and it should be where

like they have to go back to the eowookie planet that'd be awesome one can only hope yeah that'd

be the best fucking thing ever that would be chicks are hot there could be a dancing wookie

and i carry fisher that's so high on coke that she doesn't know what the hell she's doing

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

I don't care that Carrie Fisher gained weight

That Star Wars Holiday Special

I read that Carrie Fisher was so

Whacked out on coke at that time

That she was just higher in a kite

When they filmed that

Really? I never knew about that

Wow, yeah

That would explain a lot

But anyway, I was saying

I don't care if Carrie Fisher gained some weight

I'd still pork her

Yeah, you're breaking up real bad Carlito

now let me redo skype i'm gonna redo the skype just in case guys all right milkman baz can

stand by we'll recap here hang on folks nope nope goddamn skype in the memory leak problem

fucking memory leak skype memory leak my dick it's there folks stand by be sure you're visiting

madhouse live.com if you're listening to us in some other source subscribe to the podcast because

they are being updated finally finally getting around to it thanks to the help of tabachi and

rbcp as i mentioned earlier caught up before you know it doesn't that make you guys all happy yo

baz milkman well milkman's still connecting damn that memory leap

much better oh i tried to get deeters on man he's getting late man he couldn't talk

he's getting laid ew is that that costa rican nurse again oh no he's in saint martin man oh

Oh, that's right, yeah.

He's getting some hookup, man.

He did, man.

He's getting some Bulgarian.

Sowing his wild oats.

Man, no, he's in the Caribbean now,

so he's having some...

He's getting some of that Bulgarian.

Some of them herpes.

Let's call Rick from Pawn Stars.

When I've called him in the past, he doesn't pick up

because I think his voice smells pretty cool

because this is like, you know,

send me texts, I don't check my messages.

Yeah, but you can definitely tell that's his voice.

Yeah.

Oh, it's forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Oh, what happened to his voicemail message?

He doesn't even have the voicemail on there anymore.

That'd be a different phone for him also.

You know those celebrities that have several lines, you know?

Like we were getting, someone was sending in Leo Laporte's cell phone number,

but then I realized Leo Laporte has a lot of phone plans

because he reviews cell phones a lot and he has a T-Mobile line,

he has an AT&T line, a Verizon line.

because you hear i watch his podcast and he he says you know i'm reviewing a t-mobile phone but

i you know i have an 18t line prince of petaluma petaluma man when i go visit you milkman in san

francisco we're gonna take a trip see twit on a sunday oh fuck yeah man that's just up the road

man that's just a skip man we'll go in style brother and then we'll kick his ass leo laporte

for being a dick afterwards man and we're gonna tell him man you know we're gonna take a mac

Mac tattoo and X it out, man.

Put Intel right back on there, man.

PC's, baby.

There you go.

All going to give him shit for firing Eric Lanigan.

Like an asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't even know what I'm talking about, Mopin.

Yeah, he can't be a Mac fanboy now, man.

Forever.

Apple fanboy.

Yeah.

We'll call him that.

We'll call him A-boy.

We'll say that to him.

A-boy.

Fanboy.

Apple fanboy.

No, just boy.

I like just boy.

You know, that's a racist.

A-boy.

RACIST PEOPLE SAY THAT TO BLACK PEOPLE SOMETIMES, NO OFFENSE.

THEY DO.

THEY GET UPSET.

OH MY.

THEY GET ALL UPPITY AND UPSET.

SO HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

YES, HI.

THIS IS KHABAB PLACES.

YES.

OH, GOOD.

AND THIS IS KIND OF MEDITERRANEAN OR WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?

YES, TURKISH MEDITERRANEAN MIDDLE EASTERN.

OH, THAT'S DISGUSTING FOOD.

THAT'S WHAT?

IT'S DISGUSTING FOOD BY DISGUSTING PEOPLE.

UH, DON'T CALL HERE THEN.

NO, I'M GONNA CALL A FEW MORE TIMES.

OKAY.

I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER.

How would you know?

Doesn't matter.

We're close.

Oh.

Good evening, sir.

When do you open?

And have a good karma.

Bye.

Stupid bitch.

Fucking hell.

Have a good karma.

Oh, I know, man.

Have a good karma.

Karma Sunday.

Oh, man.

Karma.

I don't like karma on a Sunday.

I like chocolate sauce.

Yeah, those are good, too.

I think that's hilarious.

I like chocolate and hot fudge, man.

And the karma has to be undertone, right?

You know what I like on a Sunday?

I'll tell you.

Hot fudge.

Peanuts.

and uh pineapple that's it that's my and a cherry on top of course nice that's it that's

i like the pineapple strawberry ice cream's nice too bro oh that's a good idea i don't think i've

ever tried that you know that sounds yeah you gotta live man you gotta live there you go man

i was addicted to those mcdonald's sundaes before i became diabetes you know i used to get those

man hagan does she's been in my thing back there for a while in the days man

fuck haggard i don't do too much too addicted too because they have it for like a dollar an

hour for those fucking sundays what they're only a dollar now that's on their dollar menu oh man

that's up you know what's on their dog you can get two you know you get two hash browns

for a dollar now so i go there and on my way home with some third ship so i that's my dinner

and I say the other day I said I want four I told him I wanted four hash

browns so I thought they were just gonna give me two of the $1 orders and they

gave me eight of them a total I was like oh fuck it

oh man yeah healthy does the cholesterol in the starch is really salted here's

what FedEx has a pretty good comment call that lady but tell you have some

some caramel will lick off her tooth.

I got some good caramel.

So anyway, I took those hash browns

and I got home and I put them in a microwave

bowl and I cut it up with a spoon

and I put some

shredded cheese that was

left over from when we made fajitas

and some pieces of chopped

white onion and I microwaved it.

It tasted good.

That was my breakfast two nights ago.

Two days ago. Two mornings ago.

You know, you should write a Madhouse cookbook, dude.

then we're always talking about food here the mashed potato sandwich hash browns with cheese

yeah man always food every show we got talk about food I'm sure Nunu will love that book

might be his favorite book ever oh yeah yeah all right so what's going on here now what we

were doing we're gonna call back the lady we just talked to yeah medication you know Kim

Ken, why do you hate Mizzou fans so much?

Because he's a fucking St. Louis Blues fan.

You like hockey? That's even stupider.

I like all sports, I guess.

Hockey.

It's like I get dogged by the fucking Madhouse Nation for like a football and shit.

Hello?

What was I about?

Yes, hi.

You have caramel.

Someone said to eat caramel off that woman and her tits.

I'm sorry, say that one more time.

You have a woman that works there that answers the phone with a dirty mouth?

Uh, I don't know.

She said dirty things to me on the phone?

Why did you want to tell her to tell you those things?

Well, I didn't tell her she said that she was gonna put caramel good caramel on her body

And I was gonna lick it off. She wanted me to she said

No, this is the kebab place. Well, this is the kebab place and I hear in the background. They're talking she's getting ready

She's getting warmed up for me. You know, I'm so busy right now. I have time for these things. Are you alright?

Are you open bitch?

bitch oh fuck yeah stupid bitch who cares i didn't go uh yeah dude you know what i heard

about for the first time tonight blind hockey blind people playing hockey oh god yeah yeah i

guess they put some kind of component in the in the pucks it makes a noise and they go at it i

haven't seen it but i think that should be on fucking pay-per-view dude i was gonna say they

had to have some kind of sensor i bet yeah can you imagine a fighting though like they'd yeah

it'd be like three punches for every hit they'd be swinging for like two hours thing is though dude

they had they had to be wicked accurate because that'd be probably all they could see if they

could see that and that's all they could see there's nothing else that's all they could see

oh man anyway yeah you can't look at the other dude's face or how he's skiing all you can see

see that

fucking

bug

here's the

news story

Toronto's

hosting

there's 10

guys man

come run

them over

that'd be

awesome

Toronto

there's a

news story

Toronto's

hosting

Canada's

first

national

blind

hockey

tourney

this came

out a

few hours

ago

yeah man

that's

something

sided

hockey

guys

anyway

they gotta

gotta be brave anyway man they're missing more than a few teeth in their head hang on let me

play the video let me see what they say about this i want to be like uh what's next blind

skate shooting yeah

yeah yeah that'd be pretty inaccurate yeah i can't imagine i know that they said that they put some

some kind of sound in the puck and they just go for it dude i don't know i can't even skate

just normal i can see that i can't ice skate can you imagine being blind trying to ice skate man

this is fucking wrong that's hard for them hard for dude they start getting those people that

cheat and they really see and they start just like fucking playing the people that are blind

not making fun of me my head's off dude that's amazing seriously listen listen

are blind it is the first tournament of its kind in the country ctv's ashley rowe has that story

this looks like your typical canadian hockey tournament what you can't see is that these

people have little sight if at all this is the first ever true national blind hockey tournament

and uh it's a big stepping stone among the fifth stepping stone he said that in canadian that's

funny in the video that's definitely canadian i blame canada for the stupid video not working

can think you see tv you shit all right well there you get the idea did you see that video i posted

uh about the guy that hacked a tv station and did an emergency broadcast about the dead rise

into life and like eating people yeah yeah i saw your mention that but i didn't uh i didn't hear

you know in depth about that but i did see about that yes thank you well they had the video at the

bottom of the article it was pretty funny there you go all right cool all right hey uh you were

were saying request a prank you got some request a pranks right a handful of them in there yeah we

did some of them earlier but i saw you sent some later on uh on the evening so let me uh scoot over

there we got one from nova here also that we can get to anyway 30 puerto rican and italian mix

posting ad any real black woman want video what what her pussy ate and fuck trying to meet now

very good this guy's name is domino that was almost incomprehensible what was that again

30 Puerto Ricans

I'm going to say this again

This is exactly

Is this

Thorgy

I'll do it in a Spanish accent

30 Puerto Ricans

An Italian mix

Posting ad

Any real

BLK woman

Want her pussy

Ate and fuck

Trying to meet now

There you go

Okay that made more sense

With the accent

Yeah

That wasn't a good accent

I really don't have much

Of a Spanish accent

Unless I'm talking

Speaking in Spanish

Well I think you should

Do this call

In your accent

I talk like a woman

yeah hi this is dominoes dude why are you calling my fucking phone bro well because you have your

ad here i was looking to have a black girl come over this is dominoes okay man i don't even try

to talk to no dude are you serious are you clowning on me you want me to bring it back

same too man dude don't call my phone listen i'll tuck my peepee back and you won't even know

i'll tape it to my leg i promise but you keep calling heaps answering

damn it i was gonna tell him i'll suck your dick but he's gone i guess we won't do that all right

chucky cheese is calling try to get a bachelor party set up is this going to be the super

holding again like that uh they're gonna be close by now don't bother with that one yeah true

too late sorry uh papa john's guy was kind of a dick he posts on the ad don't call the story

asking the managers questions they don't have time to be on the phone what really but then he put his

cell phone if you need direction so it's his personal cell phone so what is this is this a

job posting or what's going on exactly yeah yeah some they're trying to hire somebody for the

pop-up dons but they said don't call the store asking the managers all kinds of questions they

don't have time to be on the phone but then put his personal cell phone on there to call for

directions yeah all right sounds like a smart guy yeah we had a good show tonight we had a call

about bananas that pissed off a few angry indians tonight bananas are usually successful yeah hi

this is the papa john's guy oh yes it is i wanted to drive a car and deliver pizza i'm sorry i'm a

little nervous i'm a little nervous hi hello hello yeah hi i'm a little nervous i'm sorry

Sorry, you have the job for Pizza Hut Delivery?

Hello?

This is, hello, this is Papa John's.

Yeah, yeah, Papa John's Pizza?

Yes.

Yeah, I wanted to do the delivery, the Pizza Hut delivery for people from Papa John's.

Okay.

What is your name?

This is Cross.

Paul?

Cross.

Okay, how can I help you?

Well, you tell me.

It says to call this number for the interview.

Okay.

So we're in.

It's 1103 in the evening.

so you're gonna it's in the evenings and you pay 1103 an hour that's pretty good that's not bad

so evening shift 1103 an hour does that include delivery fees like do i get the delivery fee

this guy's not very helpful man i don't know man maybe he's gonna hire one of his buddies

i'm gonna have to call back i think he asked you to call back he wants to be interviewed

you have a good shot at this job dude dude i got it because the voicemail is going to be really

mean I want the job asshole if it goes to voicemail and then play the kitchen

guys yes all right let me get that ready that reminds me of the prank that you

made you were calling for a job and you said I don't need to be polite I'm

I'm calling for a job, damn it.

That series of calls, those Monday morning calls I would do.

Yeah.

I'd be sitting with the newspaper.

Well, not here in Orlando.

I would sit with the newspaper and do the calls.

Oh, Jesus.

I would call asking.

Hello?

Yes, what happened?

Why are you...

You got cut off.

My phone cut off.

I'm sorry.

First of all, I just left you a voicemail.

Don't listen to it because I said something mean.

Okay. Hello. Okay. Okay. Can we just, all right, don't write me down. Don't write me up. I'm

sorry. Okay. So you said $11 and three cents evening shift. And what time does that start and

end? Okay, sir. What I was saying to you is it's 11 o'clock in the evening right now. So I work

until 11 o'clock. Sir, can I ask where you're calling from? I'm calling from my cell phone.

Okay. Are you, it's a Nevada number. Are you in Nevada or are you in California? No,

i moved to california a while ago i came here to you know be with women and stuff there was a lot

of women here and i used to do oil changes so i experienced a car i used to work at walmart

i used to work at the walmart tire lube center and i got laid off well i got fired because i had

i slept with the manager's wife inside one of the cars while we're doing the oil changes a long

Long story.

Did you need me to put that down on the application as a reference?

Because you can't call them because they're going to give a bad recommendation.

Okay.

That's all right.

Listen, can I take your number?

Can I give you a call tomorrow, please?

Because I'm about ready to go to bed.

Do you have the caller ID that will come up there?

I try to let it go through these things.

Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

All right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to wake you up.

Were you porking your wife or something?

He's cracking up.

He was fucking digging it.

Yeah, he's very upset.

I would think that calling at 11 p.m. would really show that you're interested in the job.

He's laughing his ass off.

That's awesome.

And they always say you've got to set yourself apart from the other applicants.

I'd say, when I told them I got fired for sleeping with my manager's wife in a car.

That's a throwback to last week's prank.

I know.

I'm an old man.

What, Darren?

You're a little bit old.

That was a good one.

the flower guy was funny tonight the indian guy was funny tonight the russian guy the bass

little sentence and then that last one that got cussing well he got really honest

got another uh hotel number in that russian city yeah do that because that yeah i like that idea

bass you had a good prank with that one man let me uh at some point you ask her to tongue your

balls when your wife's not i know i know i was gonna do that but my my wife walked into the

the room and i would have gotten in big trouble if she heard me saying that he's on his fucking

microphone would you tug my ball let me let me find that number all right do that and what

happened to death just tell her you was talking to her at the beginning at the beginning of the

show death fox was really drunk begging to be on the show and drunk and i wanted him to sober up

first so i didn't answer his calls and well speaking of death fox i got a confession to make

Last week I called in and I'll have to admit I farted

And the microphone picked it up and I think everybody blamed Death Fox for that

But it was really me

He farted?

I'm sorry

I don't know

Fox farted?

I farted, but Death Fox got blamed for it

Did Death Fox shit himself?

Smelled for the feller

Yeah, well, didn't he admit, didn't he say he did it anyway?

I thought he said he did

You know what the old saying is?

A fox smells his own asshole first

That's true

i thought he said yeah it was me why would he do that what a dummy yeah okay here let me put that

number in skype chat here for you it's like the time that i was i was taking a piss in a bathroom

stall at colton college and some guy before me had taken a nasty shit and it smelled really bad

i was like i gotta take a piss and i don't like peeing in the urinals and i was in there peeing

and then like this these other guys came in together and they're like oh my god man you're

taking a nasty shit you stick and like i i was embarrassed but it wasn't me but i don't know

what else to do so i just sat down and waited for them to leave well eventually when i get a good

when i get a good cell phone i'm gonna start taping i'm gonna go into public restrooms go

into there and take piss on the stalls and just start going oh fuck yeah see if we can get some

people giggling yeah that's kind of like what was that um uh the gross tapes yeah yeah me and see

see that was the thing before i even met dr lego uh he he made that gross tape i bought it at

dispensers gifts and in high school me and my me and andy and our other friend mike we would go

into the we had this little tape player you know they had the speaker on it and we would go in

there playing the gross tape you know really loud well you know during lunch and people like be in

there like oh man you're taking a shit like they thought it was funny and the black guys just don't

think they were funny the black dudes are being like oh this nigga's taking a shit up in here

oh shit like that and it's like you hear dr lego and oh like that yeah and who would have

landed like you know 15 years later and actually you know got to meet dr lego it was pretty cool

dude yeah where'd you get that at where did you buy that spencers or where was it i bought it at

spencers in like 1995 i think it was in altamont springs florida the altamont mall i bought it man

well that's a collector's item yeah dude i got it's a green tape i still have it here somewhere

i told bug i wanted him to autograph it for me he said he'd he was like dude yeah because like

those he said the master tapes disappeared wow is he still doing pranks or is he doing anything

these days he was doing he was doing guitars like crazy dude and he's rocking out man he's getting

down he's probably got all that insurance money now he's really getting yeah geared up he still

started a server farm going right yeah he still has that going and then he was doing your money

show for a while and i think he stopped that and yeah but now it's his band it's the what's it

called the dark horse but what are they called steel horses steel horse yeah they've been doing

a lot of gigs horses yeah here's dr lego's uh shitting sound of shitting oh that's it

i really enjoyed his pranks he would always get so vulgar

yeah so you can imagine me playing this in my high school bathroom stall

all i remember a prank by dr lego where he was trying to get uh some tow company to tow

this car out of some old man's house with a homeless guy in it

i was busting up they're like yeah he's all clicked the cans this is the time to tow the

car out of the house oh man yeah it was yeah i remember man there used to be those

I just remember those nights

when it was me, Zolar, and Ligo

sometimes up to like 3 in the morning doing pranks

on PCU like super ass late

just fucking around

man we used to have a lot of fun back then

and then Katie

I've said it before and I'll say it again

you and Zolar do the best

tag team prank calls

yeah we tag team it

some of the better ones are those hotels

that one time we did that hotel

the black lady and we kept saying that she flushed

a feminine napkin on the toilet.

It's not your business, but I'm not in my period.

Or that dude that you called

and Solar said that

his wife had been missing

and he wanted somebody to come

with a backhoe. You called him the backhoe guy

to come dig up his backyard. Remember that?

No. You were saying that you

were trying to open a Subway sandwich

or something like that.

Remember that.

It's just epic.

I have it somewhere.

i should send that call to you oh man that sounds good i think i kind of remember that now what the

fuck i remember something about a backhoe and a body i think solar said that his wife had been

missing for a couple of weeks and there's a foul odor coming from his backyard he wanted the guy

to come to dig up his backyard and the guy just was not having it yeah so imd in the chat room

says that uh zolar uploaded something on youtube today that's cool yeah he's not online now watch

and he said he's not online now but i did talk about him i was talking to him earlier in the

week uh he's on and off be sure to check him out

call him and get him on the show you guys got to do some pranks together again

he joined our he joined our call a couple weeks ago but i don't know man he just

he joined last week but he said his mic wasn't working right so he oh that's what it was he

just listened to the prank that we did last week and then he disconnected because he couldn't talk

but uh he did say what's up to everybody um all right uh what do we got here a another russian

hotel here baz yeah the hotel gloria in that same chernobylisk or whatever the hell they call it

i'm going to take it yeah good morning do you speak english uh yes i speak english hello i just

arrived in your fair fair i just arrived in your fair city and i need to make a reservation do

have any accommodations? For how many days? For two nights. For two nights and just a second.

We have a room available. 5,000 rubles. 5,000? Yes. Okay. Well, what's the exchange rate for

American dollars right now? Do you know? It's 30 rubles per dollar. No problem. I have an issue

though this is gonna be it's gonna be 330 perfect but I have a problem this is

the city that then you have the meteor hit yesterday is that correct yes okay

I'm kind of scared I'm here on business and I have to be here my boss told me I

had to come but I'm very scared there are more mediums coming down I'm really

really scared. It was only once. It was only once. Okay. I mean, I'm just terrified of

that kind of thing. Would you be able to, if I stay at your hotel, would you be able

to come up to my room and hold my hand until I fall asleep? Because I'm so scared. I'm

not sure about that. Come on. I just need somebody to come hold my hand and pat my head

and tell me everything will be okay. There's nothing to worry about. I've got a lot of

money how much how much would you charge i'll pay you 20 000 rubles no problem would you would

you so will you be coming here yes well you know what really helped me sleep well is would you hold

my my penis okay goodbye oh come on there's nothing wrong with holding penises uh real quick

i'm gonna use my mind uh real quick i have to uh have to restart the youtube video this one has

run out of space so let's listen to this while i do that one moment this is the supreme sound

of shitting oh this is the very distinctive sound of pissing and uh part two of the video

has now started uh here we are it's actually this february 17th i can't believe we're this

late in the year already hey everybody madhouse radio is back thank you uh more prank calls then

eh yeah yeah let's see what lonesome's got here lonesome has sent in a number for alan russell

ask if he's related to austin russell the aka chun liam porn on pond stars excuse me uh we also

have bing si ju an angry asian guy let's call him i like angry asians i'm not quite the angry

asiatics but it's all we get gotta be happy with what you get take what you get take what you get

man can't always get what you want take it bitch yeah hello hi yes hi how are you hello

Hello? Ni hao?

Where are you from?

Ni hao ma? Hi. Where are you from?

Sweetie? Honey, sweetie, baby. Hello?

Hello, Bing? Can you put Bing on?

Hello?

oh shishi didi now they're speaking yeah they're speaking vietnamese hello

mushi mushi they were speaking vietnamese sex for money mushi mushi's japanese yeah i know

i forgot how to say hello i say hello vietnamese mouth i could tell you he used to be there

the only vietnamese i know is dd now hurry up yeah mouth used to say that to me all the time

say dd now hurry up and your proper response is mouth say tongue yeah definitely that's not funny

hey yeah milkman you're so racist you think all the asians look alike right you think they're the

same dude no man they just got the slant on things that's all whatever you're asian how dare you say

that about your own people no i'm not dude i'm black man yeah man i'm black amish farmer man

you know that all right that was bing ju that's why it was so prolific in the virgin violence

who's that asian dude you guys used to piss off was that long dong or what was his name

That was more KDK.

Yeah, that was a KDK deal.

That was a KDK, okay.

Supposedly passed away now.

Yeah, supposedly.

They tried calling his house.

KDK passed away too, I heard, but then I heard he came back to life.

So I don't know, is he still alive or dead, or what is he doing these days?

No idea.

I already died, and the next thing I know he came back to life, so I don't know what's up now.

All I know is he stopped being funny about four years ago.

He might as well die.

I might as well be dead rest in peace or peaceful rest whichever way you want to have it

I guess it depends on if he's you know top or bottom I don't know how you want to do it yeah

I mean you started out on kdk's show didn't you Carlito I remember hearing you I would call in

way back in the day I would call in and then he put the call out for people to do shows yeah

so you got to give him a few props I mean he he was funny back in the day but not anymore first

First time we went on with KDK, we went on with them, and then it was cool, man, but the problem was that KDK eventually became KDK, so we had to bear the brunt of it, as well as most long-term KDK fans, it's just part of doing business with that guy, man, so you get KDK'd, and you're on the outs, and next thing you know, yeehaw.

Yeah, man, just shut your dirty, whorish mouth.

Yeah, he became an asshole.

I don't work with anybody.

I've watched this guy for a long time, and I noticed that he cannot work with anybody.

He can't do calls with anybody else.

He cannot have a group of guys or a network like we got going on.

I mean, he just can't do any of that.

He's too competitive or much of a loner.

And lately, I think that he's mostly a crier.

It cracked me up one show when Carlito had a mod,

and if KDK was accusing Carlito of sandbagging him and shit,

You're sandbagging me

Like what are you talking about

He was like so drunk too

And he was like oh I'm not drunk

I don't drink at all

You're sandbagging me

Didn't Dirty Aaron prank him

A couple times recently didn't he

No really I didn't know that

Yeah he tried calling him but he wasn't

Really having any of it

Oh no I missed that I know that we all called him

And left him the voicemails on Christmas Eve

And he said that

that he told me and Brad that he was going to get us on hate crimes

for something that Hillock and Milkman said.

Those two started saying something.

I think Milkman just was going, hey, girlfriend,

and Hillock was saying, you fucking faggot or something.

This is so too sensitive, dude.

God, you're a prank caller, dude.

Yeah, the truth was I was half gone down,

and like i woke up and i heard somebody talking about kdk or someone and that's why i said hey

yeah so he got a hold of brad is like oh hey dumb ass good work leaving threatening voicemails

you know now i got it recorded i'm gonna get you guys he also convinced that me and and brad and

the phone losers are are hacking him for some weird reason yeah it's okay yeah that's what we

We do.

That's some Turkish kitchen shit.

If nobody were to know, I would call the police on you.

Can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Exactly.

He should just stay out of the kitchen.

Why even?

Has anybody heard from Jen, man?

Is he going to be finished up next week with this episode, the latest episode of Arrow?

Or is he going to be able to join us?

Or is he still going to be out on location?

That's a good show.

It is.

Fair.

Yeah, fair call.

Your call may be recorded for quality and training purposes.

Thank you.

And not Egyptian for fear either.

Thank you for calling.

This is Clarissa speaking.

Hi, purposes?

This is...

Oh, I heard that you guys had bait and tackle there, like, that you guys had...

I'm sorry?

Do you have...

I have this down as Uncle Hoser's Bait and Tackle.

I do apologize.

You have the wrong number.

Oh, so this is how you take care of elderly people?

Yes, sir.

oh so um you just cut them up in pieces and and use that for bait um sir do you realize your

caller id is showing no it's it's not supposed to show because we called you know i don't like

it doesn't matter it still shows you're calling into an answering service where we have the

ability to unblock it oh no and what you're calling about is not a humorous issue this is

so if you continue to call back we'll report it to the police and let them come out to your

Your location to talk to you about how important it is not to do that, okay?

You colored women are so uppity.

So are the white men.

You're enabled, okay?

You're incapable and incompetent, okay?

You're ignorant and black.

So is your mom, and she probably got with a black man, okay?

Sapphire now

That was not recorded with the way she fucking carried on Sapphire

games at Thomas

thank you for calling your call may be recorded for quality and training purposes

thank you for calling why are you saying it's so slow this time did it bother you that i said

something about your mom yeah i did i want you to apologize because i'm recording this

i'll tell you what i'm gonna go get a million dollars and bank on it and see if it happens

okay this is the police i want you to bank on it or bank on it and see if it happens you house

That's okay.

You're Uncle Tom.

That's okay.

You Yahoo Cracker.

You Yahoo Trailer Park White Trash.

Anchor Chief Head Uncle Tom House Nigger.

She called you a cracker.

Wow.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

I'm going to save that too because that lady is fucking awesome.

Wow.

She is up in here.

She makes this shit about your mom.

She was sassy.

God damn.

I love when Carly to call into her house.

That's all right.

I got a question for her now.

She was ready to fight.

I got a good question for her.

Call her flapjack tits.

Thank you for calling.

Your call may be recorded for quality and training purposes.

Okay.

I've sent the caller voicemail.

She's unanswered because she's calling over here.

Oops.

Your caller just hung up.

Goodbye.

Oh, you see?

You see, I tried calling her.

She was calling on the other end.

No, she was calling on the incoming.

coming you look if you look in the skype chat we have jen on the prowl here the link i just posted

all right jen stay thank you for calling your call may be recorded for quality and training

purposes is this how he came out on location can there's shut up hello hello thank you the

girlfriend to occupy your time instead of calling up here do you have a good recipe for collard

greens i don't know does your mom no she's not black she's a human it doesn't matter she's

probably some white trash from alabama no and probably know some black people because she

probably is nasty no and think she's better because she's white she's probably lower than

a snake no she doesn't she had a snake okay she isn't an animal it takes a son of one to make one

right do you know why black people are faster because they're animals that's where they run

run faster, and play basketball.

Oh, man.

I'll fix your tits, baby.

You almost messed that up, though, man.

Look in the Skype chat, Carlito.

That would have been a good one for you.

As for some sloppy hippo nigger pussy.

All right.

She's fun.

That lady's fun, but she's a little mean.

She's a plug here.

She's fucking, she's in the game.

She can hang.

She's sexy.

She's slamming out them punches, little boy.

Jab.

She's almost as good as that lady from the fucking

Sick going in

She's laughing and rope-a-doping there too

You're making her night

I get to tell her what I'm ready to think

In that motherfucker

You cracker

Wow

I love it

Go girl

Hey let's see if that Indian guy

From earlier answers

We haven't talked to him in about two hours now

Maybe he'll answer

The gravelly voice

maybe stop hyperventilating

oh the question is

what did I save him as

oh shit

Indian

angry

RCP is saying

he's offended

in chat

oh bye

go ahead

go get us for hate crimes

RCP

I'm offended

hey

you're welcome

game to please

well

quiet little family

do you hear a ringing

what do you need

a little boy

oh hi listen

we wanted to apologize

apologize you know we're humans and i know you're not human you're subhuman um and it's not good to

treat you know people who are small and small-minded and not on the same level as human

beings like americans like that you know we don't want to make you feel bad because you're inferior

to us you understand yeah i do okay and how many bunch hoods are in your family bunch hood do you

have one sister and you all have have her or do you have more than one sister you asshole what

Well, how many sisters are in the family?

How many girls?

Do you share?

How many do you have?

I have two.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

And what do you need?

Hey, white boy.

Hello.

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, white boy.

Uh-huh.

I got your number, okay?

I got your number, so.

Do you have a tracing machine?

You got a business number, okay?

But I got your cell phone number.

So guess what's gonna happen?

Hey, what's up, black jacked kids?

I'm gonna show you what black people can do, okay?

Oh, no.

I know exactly how to get you, okay?

Are they going to steal my cell phone?

Thank you for calling, Carrie.

She's answering all professional.

In the back.

What a bitch.

She's going to show me what black people do.

Yeah, they're going to steal my phone.

Okay, she's got my cell phone number.

That's awesome.

You're fucked now.

Yeah, fuck.

I'm fucked up now.

Get your dress on now.

We're going to come over and steal your rims tonight, boy.

Call that bitch back.

I want to let her hear a little something.

do the porno bit ken oh jesus i could do that yeah go ahead call her back all right let me

make sure i got the right number dude get the porno music ready though okay i was i was trying

to get her to argue with the indian guy it almost went off but yeah that would have been that back

yeah and then he's like i'm yeah yeah this is good this is uh lonesome sent him that number

he said he's telling me was a bait and tackle obviously not as an answering service for better

bait and tackle getting confused that's exactly what she did though man she bade you out real

nice man next thing you know man she's tackling bait and switch thank you for calling your call

may be reported for quality and training purposes thank you for calling this is eve speaking look

yeah eve i'm looking for this lady she's a black lady i need to speak to her she's been calling

me all kinds of names oh okay they're out of the office at this time are you a doctor or staff

calling from a medical facility oh yeah i'm a doctor they call me dr hard on oh okay oh fuck

yeah oh where's she at i need her now oh god damn oh your nipples are in flapjack toots

put some flour on that wet shit put some flour on that wet shit she's gone

oh man and she's gone though that sucks the other girl i guess i got more than a person

and answers there she got really hot man she's she's calling all her black friends right now

that's why what's up she's like answer this damn phone cracker because

yeah she's like hey cracker answer the phones

i was going on my lunch break this cracker kept calling me

this cracker thank you for calling your call may be recorded for quality and

training purposes thank you for calling yeah hi honey how

are you just fine how can i help you listen i

was calling earlier and there's this african lady there she's very mean do

Do you know who she is?

I do not.

This is an answering service, so you could...

Are you all together, or do they ring to, like, your house and stuff?

I don't understand.

Oh, can I say that again?

Are you all together in one facility, or does it ring to different places?

Is that her?

That's the nasty woman beast that's back there, right?

I heard her.

Listen, be careful with her.

She's racist, and she's violent.

Give her all your bananas.

Did you hear her in the background?

Was that her in the background?

She was.

Yeah, that was her.

That was her.

YOU'RE ON THE PHONE, SHIT!

When you- when you told her to- when you told her to be careful, you should've been like,

SHE HAS H.R.I.V.E.

She- she said-

She had to get off the phone.

She's like, oh- oh no, Laquisha's mad!

Oh, I'm sorry, Laquisha, no!

I didn't mean it, Shaniqua, no!

Shaniqua- Shaniqua, no!

Miss Shaniqua, no, man.

Wow.

No shit's getting revealed.

Goddamn.

Shaniqua's tough, man, she's a- she's a tough- tough- tough Sapphire boy,

she put them jabs right out there now.

put our butt on blast

whoa girl

let's continue here

you got her hot man ken has got her awful hot

yeah i can

alright so here's the dominoes is looking for a pizza driver

it's really late this is california

though so it's what 10pm

10.30

if you're really interested in the job you would be calling

at this hour wouldn't you

The milkman's gotta get it up in the morning.

I've got to get up in five hours, man.

I'm actually full, but...

Dude, sleep is overrated, milkman.

I've got to get up in five hours, too.

I'm going to stay on the fucking line.

I don't, assholes.

I'm going to be sleeping in five hours.

I've got to get up in seven hours.

Are you going to church, Ken?

And you're here doing all this bad stuff now?

No, I actually have to take my son

to his wrestling tournament tomorrow.

nice and you're gonna play this dancing up in the fucking bleachers

shit on daddy's lap humping the air uh mr ken's up there doing weird stuff

ken jr's dad's up there our call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

three two three four four zero that song's awesome i love this song and that brings back memories of

sneaking into porno theaters when i was 16 can't believe this i had to go down back in the day

You had to go to the theater to watch that shit.

You know, I'm probably as old as Milkman, literally.

And back in the day, the only place to see them were the theaters.

It used to crack me up.

I watched that movie.

Are you always in Canada?

What's that, Milkman?

Was you always in Canada?

No, I'm in Seattle, dude.

I'm an American.

Close enough.

Oh, I thought you'd be serious.

I cracked up when I watched Boogie.

Watched Boogie Nights.

And you used to see these guys.

They're sitting there showing the fucking, like, porno theaters.

and the guy's grabbing the girlfriend's hand like hey let's fucking go watch no back in the day we

used to use fake ids to get into the theaters because that was the only place you could see

them and uh you'd hear that same music unless you had like a reel-to-reel all right they had

the booths too man and they and they would project them from the rear yeah remember those oh yeah

oh yeah those are scary because man you're walking in your your tennis you'd get stuck

with the fucking floor i mean you can feel like oh yeah yeah man you don't dare want to sit down

in one of the places either man you gotta like they're nasty so what people are all yeah there's

a it's a brutal scene man what's really weird is you got you got some weird dude out there

hovering around always man you know and you're like oh we did one time when i was a kid as i was

was about 60 and we snuck into one of those theaters and we had a squirt gun and we scored

a dude that was sitting about three rows in front of us i'm coming and then scored the dude in the

back of the head with a fucking warm squirt gun yeah you know how those stores are man over and

fat you know over enthusiastic attendance like kenners you know oh yeah so wait a minute so wait

a minute wait a minute wait a minute so you guys you would have to jerk off in a theater and it was

was like normal like that's what he did but uh there were dudes that would be jerking off in

those theaters i mean my first ones were that actually we had them they had them on the super

eight and yeah those tiny rolls of film that's what actually my buddy's dad had and i mean just

the old shit no sound you know no sound at all and you know black and white so what but they had

the peep shows too like the boost and stuff that was just you know you didn't have to be with other

other people right that's you have to be in a big town and that was later but you know in the old

old days man the only thing you could see in the 70s would be usually like your dad's film and

stuff you know unless you lived in a city where they had you know theaters that's gonna be boring

okay yeah with revealing my age i'm a child of the uh 70s and the 80s so when i was a teenager

in the early 80s we would be able to go into these sneak into these

porno shows.

Yeah, they didn't really have that where I was at.

They used it in a much more developed area

where they had cool...

In Seattle, yeah.

So we would be able to go in

and you'd go in and you'd put a quarter in

and be able to see the movie

or you'd put in a dollar

and the screen would go up

and some chick would come in

and you'd pay three bucks

and you'd go in and watch the movie

in a theater.

Nice.

Old fuck.

Well, I think they still have those peep shows

in some places.

I hear about them.

I don't know.

No, I mean, with the advent of DVD, all that stuff pretty much died, didn't it?

Well, the thing is, they bust guys all the time,

because now what you've got is a whole fetish community

where they just want to jerk off together now still, you know?

Stay the fuck away from that glory hole, man.

That's in San Francisco.

Yeah, probably, yeah.

Oh, go to the truck stop.

Up in Seattle, there's actually no adult theaters left.

Wow.

I can't imagine there's no adult theaters left.

No, around here, the biggest deal lately is the old, like, you know,

flagrant homo dudes man insist to walk around naked you know it's like about

in san francisco but these guys are just like living naked man and people are actually starting

to like get bummed and shit and uh so they're gonna try and uh you know they're gonna try

making the ordinance these guys gonna have to they're warning them now you know you guys are

They're going to have to back.

We have to back out.

I read about that up here.

The flagrant guys, man.

Yeah, they're lurking in Castro, you know, and shit, man.

I love San Francisco.

There's so many fucking weird...

Well, we got a lot of the news stories coming up from San Francisco up here in Seattle.

Yeah, I get a lot of people from Seattle because you guys do a lot of training and shit down here as well, man.

A lot of burkas.

I think we've got some affiliate news stations down there where you live.

are you in the business

no no not at all

I used to be

alright Ken

you're really enjoying this

we got need a ride here Ken sent this

TV and radio

oh yeah need a ride

Chris is offering a ride from LA

to Santa Fe but if you do most of the

driving for him it's free

hey there you go

I've been invited to ride in the panty drop

do most of the driving

You can. I'm trying not to crack up with your porno shit.

Do the driving, alright?

The rear. Driving into the rear.

Okay, alright, cool.

Well, that's what we're going to go with here.

We're going to go with the Ken style here.

I'm going to do all the innuendos.

I'm going to play the music, too, in the background.

So it sounds like I'm watching.

I'm just kind of like...

I ate up and stuff, you know.

I'm watching the-

Fuck you, you need a break!

At YourScreenPlayMentor.com and AMillionDollarScreenWriting.com, please leave a message at the end of the show.

He's a screenwriter?

Okay.

Yeah, just thought he writes for Zoom, though.

I think he hung up before he said he was a cocksucker, too.

Yeah, so loud.

Power bottom and cocksucker.

You also sent in a number for an orgy here.

Ken, you just need to let loose with your promo show.

Ken, you should do a prank show where all you do is just that voice.

Not even prank people, just do that for an hour.

That'd be epic.

So Ken, you sent in a married guy who's hosting a group orgy all day long,

open door policy, you show up, you walk in and start sucking and fucking.

Just need to bring a cock in your ass.

Yeah, just your cock in your ass.

What did I say?

That was Guatemalan?

Where did I say it was from?

Costa Rica?

Venezuela.

whatever hey i gotta pee then we'll do that the dude the dude was a filipino he was into it

oh eric this is hilarious man i got i got one you got a call here i'm gonna send it to

where can i send it to you at uh uh send it put in the skype chat can you

no mizzou fan is right you said you were from nicaragua nicaraguan nicaraguan oh okay

the filipino he was he was into it all right hey uh i got a piece i'm gonna go up here again

all right quick uh let's uh milkman put that in the skype chat and i'm gonna i'm gonna play this

prank call called hide the banana shut up hollywood devania who cares you traitor he's a

a traitor he turned all christian on us man i don't know if you notice he's all christian

charlie church hanging out with his wife and his family and all these good things now who does he

think he is uncle tom that's who he is anyway milkman did you send me that number pendejo

oh there we go i disconnected the cable i'm back i posted it in the chat oh did you i don't see

Hey, we got a number calling in.

Coming, let's screen it.

Where the fuck's...

Okay.

Quiet, quiet.

Message me in the chat, somebody.

I've sent the caller a voicemail.

That was her again.

I should have answered.

Was that the black lady?

Yeah, that was the black lady calling again.

Call her back.

Let me talk to that bitch.

You got her all worked up.

She calls blocked, so...

But I can call...

We can call the business, though.

What did you say her name was?

I don't know.

I don't think I ever got the name.

Just call and I'll say,

let me talk to the black bitch.

That's for Tawanda.

Oh, Shaniqua.

Can I speak with Tawanda?

Shaniqua.

Shaniqua there, Tawanda.

Kenya.

Lawanda.

Lafonda.

Thank you for calling.

Your call may be recorded for quality and training purposes.

Oh, you're fucking welcome.

Porno going.

Definitely.

It was your break, bitch.

Thank you for calling.

I love it.

Can I speak with the colored lady of the room?

Hello?

The colored lady of the room?

Hey.

Hey, is this my white boy?

No, this is your age.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

Because I wanted to see how he felt about the fact that he said, you know, black people are stupid and stuff.

But I got his number, but it's just on this business number.

Oh, he fucking loves it.

I put in his tip every night.

Oh, he loves it.

Oh, you're so pitiful.

You're so pitiful sitting at home on a Saturday night by yourself and your boyfriend.

I got some chick degrees somewhere.

Making these little games.

Playing these little games, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm fucking playing them.

Oh, poor thing.

With his girlfriend at home.

That's unfortunate.

Oh, okay.

Go get a job or get something to do

or go talk to your mom again, like I said,

and tell her how she messed up with you.

Okay?

And then let her know that she needs to teach you

on how to be a man,

and maybe she can refer to some African-American people

that she can get a reference for, okay?

So you go learn that, okay?

I'm going to call you on my other line, okay?

Thank you.

How big are your dicks, baby?

Don't be big, bitch.

You need to learn how to talk to African-Americans, Ken.

Hey, Baz.

She wouldn't shut the fuck up so I could get something to eat.

Baz, when she's going to call back on the other line,

you just talk to her normal.

Don't let anybody else talk because she hasn't heard you yet.

Okay.

Hermano, did you see it in the chat?

Did it go to you?

What chat?

Were it Skype chat, IRC?

No, I am here in Skype where my pictures are.

Here she is.

All right, here she is.

Quiet now.

Baz has got this one.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Okay, let's go ahead and talk about what the issue is at hand here, right?

What are you talking about? I just woke up.

Okay, you did? Really? Really? That's what happened?

I was asleep. You just woke me up.

Okay.

What are you talking about?

Uh-huh. Okay. We'll play stupid.

What?

We'll play stupid.

What are you talking about?

Talking about? What am I talking about? You don't understand?

fan what what are you calling an idiot you just woke me up i was sound asleep no she's gone

this sounds like she was like laughing with her co-workers yeah they're all like

it's a war what is their deal they'll just keep calling these crackers back but the other lady

is white the lady's white and she's i was really intimidated by him by her rather and that's

to something else oh it's a race war now it was a race war that poor white girl these bitches are

almost worse than the asianics man yeah you know black girls are really good at interrupting you

when people try to talk on the phone you know what i mean like when they when they get their

poison cross on the phone well you know i don't mean to man they talk right over your ass

they do not listen man so you gotta you gotta catch them man you gotta

to throw something out there to get them to stop what their flow is you know that's it

you know i'm not i'm not racist and i'm not trying to sound racist but they're just louder than us

than white people i hate to say that carly what can you call them they're loud i can play the

turkish kitchen guy who's are you sucking all right all right here we go it's different when

you actually meet them you know in in their you know their natural environment they are very loud

man all my caribbean friends were in africa all of them were yeah high speed is saying in chat that

she wants to fuck her that he wants to fuck her nice we should hook him up yeah we need to find

out what size her tits are so next time get on that a good point dozer has a real good black

voice or she could fucking dozer and talk to her dozer was here thank you for calling your call

may be recorded for quality and training purposes

I was here, she could handle this.

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Hello?

Why do you keep waking me up?

They're going to let her out of jail, man.

I don't think I'm going to have her out of there.

They can't get girlfriends.

I have a wife.

Well, she ain't doing you a bit of good.

All of us except for one is married, and he's just, he gets pussy a lot, a lot of pussy, so.

Bulgarians.

Yeah.

You are one.

You ought to know a lot about him, because you are one.

I'm knee-deep in pussy, black pussy, all the black girls like me.

It ain't a woman, it ain't a black woman in the world.

that would give you the time of day off of a broken watch.

Okay, remember that.

Her name is Mika, and she's really hot.

We had sex a few times.

Yeah,

she's gone now.

Off a broken watch, huh?

Oh, boy.

She is a sapphire puncher, boy.

She must be really bored at work.

She is fucking enjoying herself.

They said they're all night doing nothing.

Now she's got to get away the fucker.

Yeah, it's making her night.

Oh, man.

She's enjoying it.

She thinks she has my cell phone, and she's like, oh, I'm going to get this guy.

I'm going to make him real sorry.

Like, yeah.

Okay.

you're really fucking me up man you think a tracer can stop me

all right milkman where did you send this do you say you sent it in chat

there's a im is that what that thing is i don't know dude it's like wherever

pictures keep appearing whenever they're talking didn't oh my god i don't know i cannot find a

chat in here i don't know how skype is dude okay i see your pictures on top uh-huh and canon

and Baz are underneath.

Yeah.

And there's a little place here

where you can enter text.

So I just pasted it in there

and it's called

The Lion's Den.

Oh, there it is.

I see it.

It's like 24-hour

porno store

with booths

and whole bit, dude.

It goes back

exactly what Baz

and I was talking about earlier.

It's the real thing

because I remember this

for years.

When I was traveling

up and down to Florida,

I'd pass this motherfucker

all the time.

It's open all the fucking time, dude.

There's always something

going on.

there and they got a truck stop right next door and you go there and you jerk off oh hell yeah

you get jerked off if you want yeah you just go to the truck stop you would jerk off and watch

the video and install all that well they had these puerto rican guys are really friendly

yeah hi there's this guy called the milkman and he drives a taxi in california and he goes there

a lot and he said that you can go there and he meets up with puerto rican men and they

uh watch the movies together he does that here yeah he watches the movies with all the men and

they that they open the doors and he opens his door to his stall and the other guys come in

and the truckers come in and there's a trucker named andy and he's got his belt his the back

of the belt has his name on it and then he said that he can know his name when he's standing

in behind him because it says andy on the back he said and that sometimes he goes into the his

truck outside and you have trucks you have a truck parking there too right uh yeah yeah he said that

he he gets with the lot lizards and he gets with andy inside his truck and his peterbilt and they

they get together and everything and they watch movies and the inside and then they go together

and they talk about the movie and discuss it and stuff they talk about girls about their

girlfriends and what they would do with their girlfriends and why do you let milkman go in

there and do that thing i don't know either he does no one knows his real name he just goes

around calling himself the milkman he has all these all these all over the place i mean i've

never had anybody say yeah well he says he goes there a lot that he meets he meets guys there a

lot do your stalls have the walls go all the way to the floor or they have a space underneath uh

Uh, there's a small space, but it's...

Yeah, what? I can't hear you.

I mean, they practically go all the way to the floor. There's just a little gap.

And you can tap your foot? Is that the sign?

Yeah, do you leave this... Do they leave the stall open? Do you have doors on the stalls?

No, the doors have, like, a automatically mixed shut.

Can they open it and let other people inside?

I mean, if you didn't lock the door...

How many people can fit in the stall?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, comfortably, really, only one person.

I mean, there's a couple booths that are a little bit bigger that could fit maybe two to three people, but the handicapped

Okay, so you can put two or three guys in there and watch a movie together

Any boost they have can we have a party can it bring a pyro drill with me to make holes inside the stalls

Do any of the stalls have plugs for me to plug in my power drill, or should I bring in like a long extension cord?

Okay, come on, I'm a good carpenter

Yeah, I sand the hole down so it doesn't get splinters, you know when you stick things through it like hot dogs

I'm going to get off the phone

Don't go

Yeah I'm on the job

I don't get paid to jack it

We're doing a job and we're going to get off on the phone

I'm almost there

Here we go

Hi girlfriend

I'm tricep

Jesus

Alright

That guy was pretty chummy

See Milkman what happened you made fun of me being Puerto Rican

And I got you back because I told him all your business

That guy right there dude

He was, like, freaking out, man, because he's, like, this is some country bumpkin out in the fucking middle of nowhere, and here's such this fucking porn, like, mecca.

And you know him, right?

What's he look like?

Got him all the way into Pennsylvania.

They got him clear through Ohio, West Virginia.

I've seen him in Virginia.

They got him all over that area.

There's probably some close to you.

You've been to these places?

I've been to probably, like, about two of them.

I know I stopped at that one before, and I stopped at a couple of them in Ohio.

This was about, like, college days.

These have been here before I was even in high school, dude.

Nice.

Oh, dude.

That's nice.

Hey, we got someone said thanks.

Who did this?

Someone sent a text that said thanks for the laughs.

I don't know who it was.

It's a 619 area code.

I don't know who we called at 619 that's saying thanks for the laughs.

It's a black lady.

It might be the black lady.

She says thanks for the laughs.

I think we made her night

Yeah I think we did

She was kind of laughing there towards the end a little bit

You know hospice care at 3 in the morning

It's got to be kind of boring

I guess so yeah

Thanks for the laugh

Well that's nice for her to say

You know

Matt House Radio doing the service

The number would be

Ended in 2485

2485 yes

Yep that'd be her

That's her? Yeah

Yeah, that's that girl.

What was her name?

Shaniqua?

Shaniqua.

Really?

You got to look good by yourself, dude.

You made somebody's night.

I read goat.

There you go.

Two, four, eight, five.

Shanay named Red Goat.

How did you know it was two, four, eight, five?

I didn't know she called in with her number at all, did she?

Well, I scrolled up and you had added her.

We called her first.

Oh, okay.

Stop it.

It's got to be a boring job in the middle of the night.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, especially on a Saturday, you know, you got to get bored.

It's got to get pretty bad after a while.

Call her back. Just tell her she's walking. I don't know. Maybe I have a romance with her now. Yeah, she's probably horny

She's in San Diego though, dude

Ask her if you take her to the IHOP for some fucking chicken and waffles

Ask her if she's into Cleveland Steamers. There you go. Yeah space docking. Yeah. Well, let's continue

Do some more prank calls and call it a night here. I'm starting to get tired

It's 3 in the morning past 3 in the morning

Lonesome has slowed down with the numbers.

Actually, I think we'll just finish with a request to prank, so we'll call it a night.

You got any UK numbers?

I got a few.

I think I got one or two popes left here.

Here's Reverend C.G. Pope.

Oh, Reverend.

Yeah, Reverend Pope.

He's got to be on the short list.

Dude, he's already a reverend.

He's halfway there.

He's already an ordained minister.

Put in the Anglican Church, so, you know.

They're pretty close to Catholics.

Sorry, I can't speak to you at the moment.

If you'd like to leave a message, I will get back to you as soon as I...

he sounds pretty chipper i can't speak to you at the moment i can't speak to you at the moment

please leave me a muscle sounds like a pleasant chop probably taking a shower for church for

service you know or shit or taking a shit and enema getting all cleaned up put his vestments on

uh here's another pope then in manchester oh manchester my favorite pub they get pretty

worked up there especially the pope this could be good i just sent the black girl back i said okay

Okay. Thanks for the laughs, and I said, okay.

She was cool.

She was kind of mean about my mom, you know.

Yeah. You know, my mom died, too.

I can understand.

Call her bait, call her gutter, slut.

I take offense to that.

We were kind of mean to her, too.

Well, she's the one that got worked up because I said,

asked her if they cut up the old people into bait.

That's where it all started.

That was pretty extreme.

Legend of a thing.

Hello? Oh, come on. Hello?

They picked up.

you're still there

hello

fucking gutter slut

answer the phone

hello

come slut

come on

shit or get off the pot

are you gonna hang up or not

you gutter slut

if you were in line

to be the pope

you'd think you'd

wanna take the call

god

hung up like three times

god damn

Jose's in the chat now

son of a bitch

oh

it's in the show

hey Jose

there he is

hanging up again

hello

jerking his dick

with the phone

hello

hey

put it up to your ear

you cocksucker

hey

why can't you hang up

the phone right you hang it up like three times you're gonna pick it up once that time let's

try them again it's like this epic hang up calls man didn't smoke a cigar tonight fuck no hello

oh dude you know i could just um go for a cigar right about now the best thing is they keep

answering them and putting the phone up to your head what's going on at least you hope they get

angry and have to tell me stop calling you know what time it is stop calling you get a

a lot of old people in the uk like they have to answer yeah we're teaching the uk must be about

78 he's unanswering he's busy training his asshole anal anal night yeah you're talking

about knots i'm really excited we just heard in seattle that um they're expecting the marijuana

distribution laws to be in place by december 1st meaning by this time next year we are going to

have stores that sell legal marijuana in washington state that will be a first in the united states

for recreational use basically yeah recreational green card or medical card needed anybody over

the age of 21 can go in and buy whatever they want up to an ounce did you see uh the other day

and the canadian congress whatever the fuck it's called that uh they were sitting there speaking

about the uh fucking zombie apocalypse they're like if it happens in the u.s it could cause a

problem here in canada and they actually want to put like a fucking bill like in the works to

fucking put protection between canada and the u.s in case that shit happened it's the zombie

apocalypse it was fucking stupid i sat there and read the article and i'm like really seriously

seriously

they have them up in Canada too

those dumb people

they just don't get it

yeah hi

you have a room to rent in the Vatican?

yeah I do

well I'm going to become the next Pope I think

I'm looking to put my name in

for consideration

so when are you coming to Rome?

well the conclave

is going to be next month

in about 2 or 3 weeks

I wanted to be there

before the 28th because that's when benedict is going to be stepping down but how long are you

gonna be in rome well you know i'm gonna be there for the conclave i don't know how long it's gonna

be you know they're okay yeah but i'm renting it for a year six months like someone that wants to

live there not yeah well no i'm gonna be there and if i become the pope then i'll be there

permanently you know then what i'll have is i have um a boy that is kind of like my lover and

and he can stay there, because he can't stay in the Vatican with me.

But then what I'll do is, if I become the Pope,

then I'll come visit him and sit down on the bed with him and talk,

and he can put his head in my lap, and I'll stroke his head, you know,

and tell him everything's going to be okay.

So when can you come to see the room?

Well, I can be there next, I can be there on Wednesday.

I'm going to come, and I'll come, and I'm going to bless the room.

I'm going to bless the room, you know, and put holy water and pray the rosary.

and then if God says it's okay then I would like it how many euro is it because

of the room is it's 500 euro per month oh that's good that's very nice okay and

is there room for masturbation there and everything yeah well the room has a bed

and has everything you need to live in the room for masturbating I don't know

I don't know if I'm going to rent it before Wednesday or not, so I will tell you to call me back on Tuesday.

Well, can I see the Vatican?

Asshole.

What's that?

Can I see the Vatican from the window?

Yeah, you can see the Pope and say hello to him.

No, but can I see the Vatican? Does it have a view?

Of the Vatican?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course you see the Vatican. You can see the Pope and everything.

Really? Is that close?

Of course you can't see the Vatican, but it's really close.

okay and can I like touch myself

looking at the window and like

out the window and look at the people

no not really

I mean

excuse me

so you can call me back on Tuesday

and I'll let you know if it is

do you have a fireplace in your room

excuse me do you have a fireplace in your room

do you know what fireplace is

I don't know what it is but I'm sure

I don't have it okay so call me back on Tuesday

and I'll let you know if it is okay

Hey, wait.

Bye-bye.

Hang on.

Hello.

Are you still there?

It's the thing where you masturbate in.

I was going to ask him if they had a fireplace.

He could light a fire and see if white smoke comes out.

Yeah, and if it does, then you could fool everybody.

He wants to call in, but he thinks Carlito blocked him.

Then you could have a white devil call in.

That was a weird call.

My guy was like, he's having it.

This is the white devil.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

10-4.

There you go.

Don't take a white devil in his ass and call that guy back.

Sorry, but I didn't mean to do that.

There's a 1-800-SOS-TACO.

What is this?

Taco Bell Restaurant Help Desk.

Wow.

Try to get the store helpline to deliver Indian food to your house.

That's a weird one, Nova.

I don't know.

Do you think they're open?

I'm sure they are, right?

Because the West Coast Taco Bells are still open for at least a few more hours.

It should be.

That website I sent you, dude, there is a ton of them in here that are open 24 hours.

seven man yeah because it's kiev so many mexicans there and that's all they eat is tacos you know

we have a lot of mexicans where i live yeah that's nice yeah that's very good

one of the one of the helplines tell me you found a fucking pecan of a new taco

oh they got a lion's den in florida dude okay yeah do you have good uh mexican food there

milkman in san francisco we got lots of it i'm not as much as you do in la man obviously

Obviously, you know, we're much further from the border up here.

You've got the great Chinese food there.

Oh, shit, we've got everything, all kinds of oriental stuff.

Fresh, though, man.

That's way, way, way nice.

Cool.

Whatever you want, man.

Fish, seafood.

Either that or call the Taco Bells and tell them that you went through the drive-thru

and the drive-thru guy told you to fuck off or something like that.

There you go.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure.

I can't see a dial pad here for me to punch numbers in and it's it's those letters you know

what I mean hang on 1-800 yeah where is that is that what you're looking for well no yeah where

yeah where you can actually say I could see what abcd yeah at least you have a dial pad

yeah why can't I use a dial pad just to punch a number in fucker god damn it where is this

a couple days ago I think they got rid of that well somebody can you tell me what sos taco is

and letters. I know PRS is 7,

right?

Let me grab my phone.

Hey, where is Shippenburg at?

I have no idea.

Shippensburg. Old Scotland

Road. Alright, go ahead and read

the letters off. I'll tell you what they are.

Alright. SOS?

It's 17257.

What? SOS?

Yeah.

Shippensburg.

767.

Okay.

8226.

I got it now. There we go.

Logan, what are you talking about

Shippensburg? Were you crazy?

You know where Michael State Forest is?

I don't know where Michael State... What are you talking about?

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Say it, Phil.

Are you talking about Pennsylvania or Franklin County?

Welcome to the Taco Bell Restaurant Helpline.

We have simplified our menu,

so please listen carefully.

Selecting the right menu option

will save you time.

Calls may be recorded to ensure quality service.

For taco computer-related issues, press 1.

For register-related issues, press 2.

For HR, register, or payroll, press 3.

For HME timer-related issues, press 4.

Southwest of Harrisburg.

Yeah, I think I kind of know where Shippensburg is.

Yeah, it's kind of near Gettysburg.

Near the forest, close to Chambersburg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, why, why, what's up?

Before you get to Hagerstown, Maryland.

E-Poll, MDU, email, and non-taco users, please press 1.

For front of house register related issues.

Is there a porno place there for me to go to?

Non-taco users?

Yeah, that's what the nearest lion's den is to you, man.

Well, this is Jason.

Can I get your store number, please?

This is store number 7724.

Oh, that's not what came up.

Give me one second here.

Oh, man.

You said 7724?

Yeah.

I'm calling from my cell phone.

and look i'm trying to make one of these tacos i'm not sure hold on with that 7724 is not coming

up as a store number in our system i don't know listen i'm in the shippensburg pennsylvania

location i'm new here and i'm the i'm it's just me and two other new persons the manager left for

the night we're supposed to make these chalupas i'm trying to figure out exactly what order the

beans go in here the guy is arguing with me he says that i have it all wrong he's returned it

twice yeah we say it's the meat yeah i think the meat the meat goes first then the beans then the

sauce he says no we got it wrong and he said he's holding he's holding a brick and he said

he's gonna throw through the window i'm pissed give me a second here he's gonna go first right

hold on no the shell goes first come on baz shell shell right meat no shell shell first

and the beans and you're full of shit it's the meat no but you have to you got to put everything

in the shell first now you broke the shell again god damn it oh i'm stoned okay we're gonna run

out of shells you know i was taking some poppers i'll put some poppers in it maybe they'll calm

down offer some poppers yeah sorry should we put poppers in

the shell first i'm telling him hang on i'm telling him shell first

right no meat meat goes first right yeah well we don't you don't give out

operational on how to do things as far as making the food at us right now yeah

the manager something you guys need to talk to your management about the

manager said that this is the number to call for help desk he said that you guys

would answer the questions we do not we do not tell you guys how to make your

your food listen poppers right now yeah we can't get him on the phone he said just to get it taken

care of that he was busy this guy's gonna throw a brick through the windows here in a second

do we put guacamole in it oh hello yeah i'm still here yeah what's uh how do we put in guacamole on

the computer then i don't even know that we have guacamole here all right that's fine well what

What do we do to put it in?

Don't hang up.

Come on, man.

Don't do this.

You can do the right thing here.

Come on.

Pinto beans.

We're going to put the guacamole in.

Can we please put black olives back on the menu?

We have black olives?

Can we put them back on?

That's not very right.

That's Negro olive.

Sir, help desk.

I think we lost the patient.

Yeah, he's gone.

That's funny.

He's like, oh, we don't know.

We don't know how to work the food.

We're just IT.

We want white olives.

I want to get one of those taco computers

They sound delicious

It said taco related issues

Put the meat on them

Put the fucking meat

Didn't it say like dial one for taco related

Computer issues

Taco computer

And it said if you're a non-taco computer user

Like what the fuck

What the hell

I'll try to get some Taco Bell store numbers

And we'll start just dialing a bunch of them

Alright

Well, I'm tired, man.

I don't think that's going to happen, man.

No talking, not tonight.

Next week.

Save it. It's late, man.

It's 3.30.

It's only 12.30 here, but yeah,

you're on the east coast, dude.

Yeah, I think I'm done.

It's only four hours from now.

I'm going to go.

We had a few more requested pranks here.

I just can't, man. It's late.

It's been a late show.

We've had fun.

We've been on for 11, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

hours right that's enough you guys had enough i had enough all right see you guys see you ken

bye you're out of here on your ass bye see you baz goodbye bye all right milkman see you bye

you're out of here on your ass no i'm kidding go ahead man take us out of here take us out of here

dude just you oh oh hermanito man's a fucking kick-ass show man that was some fun shit dude

You know, I laughed all night, man.

I can't wait to hear something that's on the replay.

I'm sure everybody out there enjoyed it.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

It's really great having you on here, everybody.

I'd like to thank First and Formalist.

I'd like to thank everybody that joined in on our show tonight.

All our mystery callers, everybody.

I'm going to have to stop by everybody over there in the mountain.

98.6 the mountain.

That's right, everybody.

joining in here on the madhouse radio network all our friends and fiends over there let's see we got

the friday night show no definitely don't miss the uh frank uh frank session radio and the guys

over there they're sure to have some laughs man definitely though uh we'd like to thank all our

friends at pla cactus and all of our friends at this and they can everybody else out there

listening around the globe because we care about you our listeners that's right you're dear to us

us we do this every week most interactive show you can find right here on the internet that's right

we drop the dime we just ask that you give us the time stop by share a laugh bring a friend

better yet bring an enemy because they're always welcome right here in the madhouse that's right

what we do without our fearless leader the generalissimo of the madhouse my brother

and arms also man thank you so much my brother for all that you do for us saving lives out there

able to be a big brother potatoes all right good thanks everyone for listening tonight

everyone who's sending a request of pranks including lonesome losers sending the confirmations

ken everyone who joined in the chat baz zyquan ken milkman and me thank you to be especially

thank you to me and thanks everyone who listened keep your eyes peeled to the podcast madhouse

live.com and that's it we're out of here good night enjoy your president's day weekend and

And cha-cha-cha.

And now Quick Pick.

Calls (52, 2 h 36 min of 5 h)

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