I Just Wanna Play Angry Birds

No, like, I don't think it'll work out.

I think you're drunk.

You're not right.

I know.

I just want to play Anchor Birds on your iPhone, goddammit, and then I'll give it back.

No.

Fuck you, Mr. Suit.

I'm going to be his Jew, and he's going to put the gun in my mouth.

Mouth bullshit.

And I'm going to suck his dick.

I'm not playing no fucking game with you.

I fucking send up a bitch.

Stop making us get the carding.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you.

All night long.

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

what the fuck you want my fuckers no video huh beautiful hi everybody this is madhouse radio

for march the 16th celebrating the murder of 70 oh maybe over there in shit land in europe

godless europe and uh we're celebrating uh the uh anniversary of the murder of julius gaius caesar

right celebrating saint patrick's day when saint patrick raped all the snakes and uh yeah and that's

it mad and prank calls and madhouse radio and all that stuff thank you everyone for tuning in tonight

yeah the video is not working i guess i don't know it's just it's i don't know you guys tell

tell me is the video feed working there is no video all i see is a big uh fucking a big shit

that's what i see you took a big shit i took a big shit that's right very good that's what i say

that's what that guy said back in the day man um well thanks everyone for tuning in we're going to

be doing all your requests here make sure you send those in got a whole bunch of them here we

haven't done a show in about three weeks so i'm really looking forward to all this shit uh we

We've got some business to talk about also.

With me here tonight is Milkman.

Milkman.

Hey, Milkman.

All right.

Dobby, Dobby, Dobby and Joe, everybody.

Yeah, money, dough, fat, retirement, and long-term rent.

By golly, guys, you ought to be glad this guy's had a long, double-ass day.

Hey.

Ain't it?

He's fallen asleep five times already.

You got him on the air, by golly.

You guys better love this guy.

He's going way out on the lift tonight.

night welcome back oh man thank you thank you thank you lay it out thank you thank you shut

up thank you i'm sorry also we got big jen stewart jen stewart yeah you were very excited

to have me you're all clapping and everything i get there yeah go to hell jen stewart die in hell

go to the hell go to the hell and come there and go there stay stay there shake your gps and go to

the hell yeah go straight to the hell yeah um i got the video working now yeah yeah we gotta talk

man all right here's what's going on you want to tell me what the fuck happened man i always i did

a show i did my final show and i was like shit i was trying to get hold of you the day before

and i was like yeah there's no show there's no show and then i was like what the hell okay i

don't know what's happening and suddenly you know irc and i couldn't bring anybody into chat on my

show and i oh shit man drama well jen stewart got a girlfriend and say he can't do shows anymore

all right yeah jen stewart get some pussy get my pussy there you go man

No, that's not true.

He would never do that.

Hey, got a little bit of schmanky schmanky on the down schmanky low, baby.

Got your leg.

Hey, all right, so the reason I haven't done a show the last two weeks,

all right, here's what's been going on for the last two weeks.

I've been pulling double shifts at work, man, all right?

So I start working at 1130 at night, all right?

And I work until 8 o'clock in the morning.

I have about two and a half hours off.

and then i work a second show a second show i work a second shift all the way until 6 p.m

so i get home and i i'm like i'm gonna take a nap last two weeks that's exactly what happened

the same thing happened tonight i said i'm gonna take a nap and i'm gonna wake up refreshed i'm

gonna do the show and then milkman tries to call me and i the the first week the first week milkman

they called me and i i don't even remember the conversation my wife she said she heard me like

mumbling she's like you were mumbling at milkman last night i felt so bad for you i don't even

remember talking to him and i guess milkman you told me so don't worry about it man just sleep

last week i just turned the phone off like my phone was my battery died i blew the phone up

at some point and then i think i killed the back actually killed the battery people i they were

We're like, man, do something to this.

So I called.

I said, I'll ward out your ass.

I'll ward out you.

And I killed all the phone guys.

So it's my fault that he didn't answer because I actually ran his phone in the ground.

Yeah, basically.

So I said all that to say this.

We need to change the show tonight because this is not working out.

Because, again, today I came home and I sat here.

I started setting up things for the show.

And I put my head down for like 10 minutes while one of the PCs was rebooting.

And the next thing I knew, 30 minutes went by.

and i was like oh shit the show was supposed to start five minutes ago so we need to change

the show night to sunday night uh okay yeah i think it sucks because i really like saturday

night it's a really hot night man but i can't i can't because right now i've i've been up

i've been up for getting paid for this uh from madhouse no nothing but at this rate uh what's

going on right now for example except for that 30 minutes where i just fell asleep i've been up for

over 24 hours straight right now i'm not kidding you i just people to 24 you're you're you're not

you can't do this you cannot be sustained i'm a superman you're there monita johnny

some of the captain but shit dude you're gonna kill yourself i got my red bull here so hopefully

my red bull is going to keep me awake hopefully i can't do a show for that long guys i really want

to i just felt bad because we haven't done a show in the last three weeks excuse me so

how about this we show as long as you can and then like here in a little bit and you start

getting punchy we'll just bow out gracefully man we got gin here gin is ready to get active

and wild i hear his muscles are really flexing right now so yeah how do you know man i went

back into archery that's that's why i did the last show yeah jizz back in archery man i heard

I heard that you're out for the next medal, dude, and I'm so proud, man.

Awesome, man.

Get that.

You're going to be in Rio.

Hopefully, you're going to make it to the Rio Olympics.

I'm excited about that.

Get some orgy sex in the Olympic Village.

You want to know how much sex is going to be going on?

I know some chicks down there, man.

Yeah, man.

The next Olympics in Brazil is going to be so much fucking gin.

You want to go there, man.

I'm already there, man.

We want you to go.

We want you to go, man.

Get the gold for USA.

USA, yeah, man.

Yeah, I'm going to be there for the USA.

I don't know how that will work, but yeah.

USA, USA, USA.

Madhouse sponsorship for not much.

Yeah, we'll put the big fist logo on you, on your ass.

All right, and then, so Jins, say what happened with this whole thing.

Man, all right, it's a big nasty mess, right?

I don't want to blow...

What was his name again?

I don't know who he is.

I forgot his name.

Deathfights.

He wanted to leave

and he left and he did it in a stupid

asshole way.

He's a son of a bitch.

He's dead to me.

Dead.

Burn the bitches, man, and cut the throats

on the way out.

I got a knife in my back here, dude.

We'll put that in there.

And all the fame is gone.

Can I just say something?

You know, Swollen Dome, just to make this very clear, I do not use condoms.

Thank you very much.

All right.

That's cool.

Ah, Raudon!

Raudon!

Yeah!

There you go.

Man.

I had you for three and four when I was your age, and that fucking snapped all of them.

No, no, I don't use them.

They're fucking stupid.

They're just...

Why would you...

It just defies the whole point.

Milkman, you wore three or four because you come so fast.

you had to put like three or four so take down the sensitivity oh man i'll tell you something

i'm working out for anyway i said for another day

so basically what happened like three weeks ago death fox i don't know what the fuck happened

with him he was like he wanted to merge the madhouse chat room with something called hq

q chat room and he called me first and i said well i don't know it's i mean you gotta talk to

milkman first i mean i guess it's okay but it sounds kind of stupid and he's like well you know

if it doesn't work we can reverse it i'm like all right well we gotta talk to milkman first

all right and this is while i'm getting ready for work and you know i get this skype call because

i went to go get i was getting ready for work and i wanted to take a shower and then when i

get out of the shower my wife's like someone keeps calling you on fucking sky they've been

calling for the last 25 30 minutes you know because she could hear it from the living room

and i finally went in the living room i went to the office room here and i see that i've missed

like 20 freaking skype calls from death fox so i finally answered it and i'm like yeah yeah look i

gotta go to work you know whatever let's you know talk with a milkman whatever figure it out

and as i keep getting ready for work milkman calls me he's like what the fuck man like this

is retarded this is stupid milkman put it in perspective for me like yeah you got a point

that's that doesn't make any sense man that's kind of stupid you're basically death fox wanted

to force us to merge the madhouse chat room with the chat room of his friends who have nothing to

do with madhouse and aren't prank call fans or anything like that um it would have been you know

And it wouldn't be the Madhouse chat room anymore.

It would be this HQ chat room.

It just made it...

The name was going to be removed.

It didn't make any sense.

So Milkman spent a good 30 minutes talking to DeathFox,

telling him, hey, it doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

And all DeathFox was like, oh, man, but I'm just trying to get more...

I don't understand, and I'm trying to get more listeners,

and I'm trying to get more listeners.

It's not a big deal

And finally Milkman lost it

And started yelling at him

Telling him no fucking no

We don't want to fucking merge the shit

And you know stop asking about it

And Death Fox

Started getting all emotional

And stuff

This is in a one on one conversation

Don't question me I'm sensitive

Yeah he was saying he was sensitive

That he didn't want to

This is a one on one conversation

it was a conference call and and i'm i'm sitting yeah i was on my cell phone you know driving to

work listening to this going down trying to get to work and i'm listening to death

death death logs has been to the whole town whining you know about the whole thing and

milkman's finally had so much uh so fucking tired of trying to tell him no in a nice way that he's

is fucking yelling at him telling him no at this point and then the next day death fox is comes on

the air on his regular night this is thursday night and friday night death fox comes on on the

madhouse station and says basically uh you know our prank session radio show we're not going to

do in the madhouse anymore and don't listen to madhouse we're going to be over here at prank

session radio and come over here and then he starts what he started taking the the chat traffic

the chat room traffic yeah yeah redirected the chat so anybody that logged into madhouse was

already going in this new suckhead chat that he's trying to take over man and run up from their side

yeah so that was that was the bullshit right there so then i'm at work when that started

happening i was like fuck this so when the fate you know you know i i went into the servers and

i started you know i said all right fine well death fox doesn't want us around and he doesn't

going to be with us and we're not going to be with him

we're going to be sitting around with someone

who doesn't want to be affiliated with us

you know it's alright fine

that's stupid

and then it just became

this whole nasty Facebook war

and then

I just said you know what

if it's that big a deal then just go ahead and shut the chat

down it's no problem man

thank you

can I just say regardless of all that shit I'm still

neutral ground because he's punching

Jen Stewart and obviously

Obviously, I'm just interested in the number that I see of subscribers I get on YouTube and likes I get on Facebook.

So this doesn't affect me at all.

I still like you, and I've got nothing against him.

So I'm just completely neutral on this ground.

You're all about the numbers, Jim Stewart.

I'm just about the numbers.

I'm just about the fans.

I just want to entertain people.

I'm not interested in anything else.

All right.

That's good.

And you shouldn't be.

So, you know, it became childish on Facebook, you know, for the most part.

I thought it was funny to mess with Death Foss because, you know, the guy is emotional.

He's got drug problems, all right?

He's got eating problems.

He's a cutter.

He cuts himself.

I'm just sorry it came to this, guys.

I really am.

I tried everything I could to bring him along, keep him in the fold.

It's like, man, we don't have to split up, but the dude is just not listening.

He got so drunk that day, he couldn't even speak.

He was slurring his words so bad.

And I couldn't even talk to him.

And I'm sorry that it ended that way for my listeners, not the way it happened.

I had to do what I had to do, guys, because I'm never going to let nobody take down my brother, man.

Hermano, you challenged him.

I got his back.

You got me now.

You got me to go get to him.

There you go.

Very good.

Very well put.

All right, so now that we're done, we had to talk about it.

So there you go.

That's what it was.

Who cares anymore?

I don't have no problem with letting go.

You just don't spend much time doing your thing.

There you go.

Alright, well, let's continue with the show.

People are calling you a traitor in the chatroom,

Jim Stewart. I didn't give a shit.

No, I see it. It's funny.

You're either with us

or you're against us, Jim Stewart.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

The numbers are up against Jim Stewart. Be nice.

Come on. You know, and then I heard that

Death Fox is talking with

Dr. Lego, and they were going to start

PCU again. PCU? Yeah.

That's a long, long

Oh my lord, look what the cat dragged in.

Ted Webbo, welcome.

Ted Webbo.

Is he in?

Is he?

He's in.

Where is he?

That's awesome.

Oh, he's in the...

John, stop.

We got a missing bike here.

Anyway, Lonesome Loser sending in numbers.

Let's do a few of these here to start off the night.

Aaron posted, my bike turned up missing on Wednesday night, March the 13th,

around North Lombard and something.

I don't get it. What happened?

His bike went missing. He lost

his bike. It's a black... What kind of bike?

A black Marin Larkspur

Pearl. I guess it's a bicycle,

not a motorcycle. Sorry, man.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Because you're Mr. Motorcycle Guy.

We could just say

we fucking... You wanted parts.

Cut it apart. Yeah, I cut it.

I chopped it up in little pieces.

And we welded

the fucking... We welded it

to a shuttle. Yeah.

there you go oh that reminds dude i saw this youtube video this fucking guy is hilarious this

guy he took his he took he he took a pt cruiser and he put a fucking train train horn a horn

that's on a freaking freight train he mounted it on the bottom of the pt cruiser and he he drives

around fucking town blowing it at people and people jump and children jump and he like there's

cats crossing the street and he blares it at the cats go freaking out running away and

at one point some guy starts chasing him and throwing shit at his car because he's pissed

off about the train whistle it's funny man that sounds pretty awesome i forgot what was that one

that you sent to me the other day with that guy who did the the farting thing he had like a little

thing attached to his back and he was just walking up to random people just farting well yeah see

See, there's this guy, Jack Vale, who made that thing.

It's called a pooter.

It's this little thing you hold.

It's like a little sponge in your hand.

It makes a really realistic fart noise.

And he's got a ton of those videos where he does that.

He's in Walmart, and he farts, and people are like, oh, my God, he farted.

But this guy did it funny because he was doing it in people's food.

He was actually going up to people's food and farting in it, you know?

And people were taking swings at him.

Yeah, apparently that guy's done a few pretty funny videos out there.

um i forgot the guy's name but that was good too like the black guy was getting ready to kick his

ass yeah at the end that was brilliant i really thought that was so funny man i tried we here man

come on man yeah and he did it again he did it fucking twice oh shit yeah all right well let's

call up some material there and it was submitted by one of our listeners i posted in the chat here

okay thank you thank you so are we okay i mean sunday night it's uh i know it's not as cool as

saturday night what's our time frame looking like dude sunday time was good because that means you

forget how many hours rest we actually get before you go on that's the key question well i won't

have to work the next day and i'll have um the whole day sunday off as it is so yeah it's good

okay all right then that's better it's good like did you know get back to you aaron you don't get

shit that guy sounds like dirty aaron it probably was he put his own number in fucking yeah and a

A big thank you to Jen Stewart for helping me fix the audio on the show here before we started.

That was very good.

You're very smart, Jen Stewart.

That's really cool, man.

Jen Stewart!

That's right.

The Trader, man.

We love you.

Thanks for saving us, man.

See how big a Trader he is, guys.

No more shows from Jen for a long while, but you'll do pranks here and there, you said, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I said I'd continue to do, like, two pranks and maybe upload them from time to time,

but I definitely don't have

enough time to do the shows and the reason for that

is I go through and edit the show

after I've done it and it takes hours and hours

and hours on end. I spent all fucking Sunday

just literally half

the night going through and editing that show

to make it one hour long. It was like a four

hour show and it came down to one hour

just editing out all those parts in between

that I didn't really want on the show and I just can't

keep doing that so I'm just going

to do the chords instead and edit them and then

upload them straight away as much quicker.

Good idea. Do it on your own time?

Do any of your listeners help you edit anymore, Jen?

I remember you used to have a...

Yeah, there was a bunch of them.

But you know what?

I'm just such a prick because I want it to be perfect

and I want it to be my own work.

And if somebody else is doing it,

it's just not going to be the same.

That's your name on it.

They're going to keep something else that I don't want.

That's right.

That's right, you know.

You want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

That's true.

Got your name on it.

Ron posted lost phone at casino.

This guy lost his iPhone machine at the casino.

If you found it, please contact him.

Cool.

I didn't ask him how to unlock it.

I'm going to ask him if he's got pictures on it.

Hello?

Yeah, is Ron there?

Yeah, just one moment.

Hurry up, please.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hi.

You lost this iPhone here at the casino?

I think I found it.

You think you found it?

You lost an iPhone machine a few days ago?

Right.

Yeah, I was at the casino and I found it.

I found a iPhone.

How do you unlock it?

I've been trying to unlock it for a while.

I can't get into the phone.

Right.

Oh, can you tell them to unlock it so I can go in and see, you know, the things in there?

Yeah, because do you have any, do you take pictures with it?

Pardon?

Did you take pictures with it?

Yes.

I wanted to just take a look at the pictures, you know, see what you have in there.

I like to, when I, I like to find phones and I look at the pictures.

I look for any naked pictures and, you know, most people take a picture of their wife.

Was that your wife I was just talking to?

Uh-huh.

She sounds really pretty.

pretty you have any pictures of her in the phone no no do you have any pictures of uh your mistress

or another girl you're having relations with no no any other people naked no any bank account

numbers in this phone not that you yeah well if you can unlock it for me i'd be able to see all

that stuff you know yeah i'm not gonna unlock it well then maybe i won't be able to give it back to

well you want the iphone machine come on man just like give me five minutes with it i just you know

i really always wanted one of these i can't afford it you know i'm on prepaid then we don't

have you don't get an iphone on prepaid it's too expensive they don't let you get it you know i

don't have good credit maybe you know if you can just call verizon and tell them to unlock it for

like 24 hours and i just want to go around and play with the phone and you know act like i have

I have an iPhone, you know, go to the bar and talk to girls, you know,

and take pictures with them with the iPhone, and then I'll give it back.

Then I'll give it back.

I don't think so, bud.

Well, either you let me just use it for 24 hours and give it back,

or I'm just going to put it in the drawer here forever.

You're being kind of an asshole.

Look, if I find your phone and I'm being nice enough to keep it

and take care of it for you, the least you can do is let me play with it.

I want to put some games on it.

If you're nice, you can return the phone.

Okay, I want to play Angry Birds.

It's not going to do you a damn bit of good.

Can I play Angry...

Just let me play Angry Birds on it for, like, a few days.

No, I'm going to keep it locked up.

You can't touch it.

You can't use it.

In fact, I'm going in and get a load of Apple,

and they will tell me exactly where it is.

Oh, but no, I took the battery out.

I'll find it.

no not unless i turn it on with the battery inside i i turned it off because i was trying

to unlock it and i don't know the code you know you can't unlock it well that's what i said if

you just tell verizon unlock it and i can i'm not gonna i'm not gonna unlock it for you hell no i

want to play some racing games you know and uh let's let me play some racing games and play

angry birds a little bit and then then i'll then we'll meet you know in a neutral location and

i'll shake your hand and i'll give it back to you i don't think so i don't think so hang up

do you want to just give it back to you then that's right all right well how about i'll i'll

come i'll bring it back to you but when i give it to you then you let me use it for a little bit

while i'm with you like i just want to play games a few games for a little bit like maybe a half

hour i can play angry birds on it would that be okay no i won't play a racing game no do you

Do you have any games on the phone?

Maybe.

Come on, I want to play.

I've never had an iPhone before.

I heard they have nice games.

That's too bad.

You don't have one now.

You've got mine, and it's not working and won't work until I say it will.

Well, my friend, he's from Korea.

He said he could put a bootloader on it, and he can hack it, and I can use it.

I can unlock it, and I can put it on Sprint.

If you can't switch it to Sprint, I'll guarantee you that.

No, he puts a new chip in it.

He opens it up and solders a new chip inside.

But he doesn't.

He can't screw with that phone.

Yeah, he can.

The phone's locked.

He has all the tools.

He used to work in Korea.

He was in the Army, and he learned how to do it all there.

Yeah, he did.

He could either turn the phone or get off the phone.

I'm not on the phone now.

I'm on my phone because I...

Well, we're talking right now.

Uh-huh.

Oh, right now.

You can either tell me or give me my phone back.

Uh-huh.

Or you can, you can, I've got your number now, but I got to do it again and would not give it to me.

No, I'm on my Motorola track phone right now.

This is my Motorola track phone.

They got a way to find you.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, they can, but still, I mean, I just say that, you know, this isn't, I don't have the iPhone.

I don't have it, I'll say.

I don't have it.

Yeah, I have a very good friend on the police department who's on the SWAT team.

Is he going to shoot me?

Are you threatening me?

I'm going to get a hold of him.

Are you threatening me with your Gestapo tactics?

They're going to come here and break into my house?

And what are they going to do?

Are they going to empty out all my drawers everywhere

and rip holes with knives in my seat cushions looking for the iPhone?

Are they going to plant marijuana plants everywhere to get me to talk?

What are they going to do?

I don't know what the hell you're on, but

you're not right.

Look, I smoked a marijuana cigarette, and I really just want to play Angry Birds on your iPhone, goddammit, and then I'll give it back.

You ever play Angry Birds?

Yep.

You have? Come on, is it fun?

Let me know where my phone is, or I'm calling the cops.

It's right here.

Hey, are you going to return it to me?

If you let me play Angry Birds for a few minutes.

Play a damn thing.

well then no phone no okay no anger no anger birds no phone all right cool

everyone has a friend on the cops jen you know oh my my brother's on the cops he's gonna get you

yeah that guy i called actually um last week and he was like yeah actually i was in uh

Where were you last week?

And he was like, no, I didn't steal anything from the mosque

because I was with a fucking East Anglian constabulary.

A fucking...

What?

He was with the police.

Ah, stupid.

That's funny.

Oh, man.

I just want to play some Angry Birds, man.

What's wrong with that?

Jin, you ever play Angry Birds?

You play Angry Birds?

No, I've never played Angry Birds.

I played this other game.

What the hell is it called?

It's like where you take over the world with a virus.

Have you tried Angry Baba yet?

No.

no angry baba no it's fucking funny man try it angry baba man i was playing this shit

what'd you jim what'd you play ingress is that what you're talking about uh no i'll tell you

no ingress isn't out yet is it it's on it's on invite only um have you got it have you got it

yeah you want me to send you an invite i got it yeah shit send me an invite you've got me on

facebook um so if you need my number i'll i'll give it to you as long as as long as i can send

you didn't buy in the uh in outside of the u.s you know what i mean like it's yeah you will okay

all right yeah i'll take care of that in a little bit no problem the other game the game i play is

called plague inc okay it's really cool you get it you take over the world you create a virus and

you have to take over the world it's like a strategy game it's really cool oh i like i'm a

satisfied nice very nice ingress is fun you'll like it you know i was playing it i was at the

mall and i was like trying to do these portals and i started walking and the next thing i know

i'm out in the parking lot and we're really far out in the parking lot and it was kind of dangerous

with black people around and stuff and i was like what the fuck am i doing here man you know i turned

around and i went back i was it was a lot of walking too you know and that's when i dropped

my phone i dropped it and it's all crack now son of a bitch um that's what i get all right so

So moving right along here, we had fun with that iPhone call, didn't we, guys?

Be careful.

Fucking SWAT team is going to raid your place in a minute.

Keep the door open.

Police, police, police.

Yeah, all for an iPhone.

We've got Rich who found a box of old family pictures.

I found a full box of family pictures about 20 years ago in an old shower house.

What the hell is a shower house?

milkman you know what a shower house is man this is a place where people go take a shower

is that where did you ever go there got them they've got shower houses dude yeah hell yeah

yeah but really want to look for the action you gotta go to the bathhouse yeah you go you go to

the shower house and you jerk off in front of the guys right milkman we got a bathhouse right

down here in berkeley dude man there's quite a few regular customers down there yeah well you know

how come hey because they don't let their ass beat nobody goes to a bathhouse to take a bath

dude um anyway this guy found pictures okay no there's a little boy playing in the sand on the

back of one of the pictures and it said 16 months old in 1978 very fun idea here again a man who has

found a set of family pictures 20 years ago and he's still trying to track down who has these

pictures wow man what kind of weird bizarre shit is that that wow i don't get it i have an idea for

this hello yes hi is this rich it sure is you found a box of old family pictures yes and how

long ago was it yeah yeah there was a tornado that hit my parents house and a lot of things

went flying everywhere and in the rubble we never found the box of family pictures you know and

And I know that a lot of the wreckage fell down on this old shower house down the way where the men used to meet up.

Men from the neighborhood used to go there, and they would take showers, you know?

Okay.

And I think maybe that these are the family pictures that got lost in the tornado.

You remember that tornado 20 years ago?

The great tornado of 1993?

No, I don't.

It was an F2 on the Fujita scale.

where was the tornado at what town oh man it was in boise and the wreckage went all over the place

all over the state they found pieces all over okay i don't think this stuff went through a

tornado because it was all in a box so no that that happens sometimes that happens sometimes

like a friend of mine he was in a tornado and he was in a car and the car landed perfectly

perfectly 30 miles away like it didn't even affect the car he like literally he was in the car he was

driving and the tornado picked him up and he landed 30 miles away and he landed and he just

turned the key and he started driving again like what year was the tornado well that tornado was

in 82 this tornado here was in 93 okay um i found this stuff in february of 92 okay yeah that makes

sense because the tornado probably you know you ever see that star trek where they went back in

time to save the whales and they went they went around the sun really fast and they went back

into 1987 they they were they spun around really fast in that klingon ship and they went back in

time okay because that might be what happened was because the tornado when you go around so fast

theory of relativity

you actually slow down time

and you go backwards

so my theory is maybe

the pictures went so fast

that they actually went back

went forward in time

I don't know what you're smoking

but that's not what happened here

no it's a proven fact

that can't happen

it happened like Captain Kirk and everything

they got those humpback whales

in San Francisco

there was that big

there was that big dildo ship

it was like

you know that one

you're smoking something

I want some of whatever you're having man

milkman what are we

smoking tonight milkman

who am I talking to

oh this is cross

I think these pictures might be nice

I like to make cut them into pieces

and stuff you know

I just want to cut them into little pieces

cut them into little pieces

Yeah, I like to put some people...

You've got to hold the wrong person, buddy.

I like to put one person's head on a different person's body.

Like, I'll put a boy's head on a girl's body.

Yeah.

Well, how much for the pictures?

Not your pictures, dude, so...

How much for the pictures?

Yeah, they're not for sale.

You've been holding on for them for 20 years,

and all of a sudden now you want to get rid of them?

Yeah, I like to give them to the real person that they belong to.

Somebody that's got some mental issues.

But 20 years later, you think someone's going to...

How did you get my number?

Were you looking on Craigslist?

Yeah, you posted it.

You had these pictures.

Yeah, I do.

But they're not...

It doesn't sound like your story adds up, dude.

Are there any hot pictures in it, you know?

What?

Are there any girls in the pictures?

No.

Are there any old women?

Hey, I'm going to end this conversation.

You have a nice day.

Are there any cute little boys with their shirts off?

Don't call me again.

Have a good day.

Are there any 18-year-old boys with their shirts off?

eating your boys with their shirts off

oh shit you were like

fucking brilliant man

this is like going back in time

theory of relativity and all this shit

the great fucking tornado in 93

yeah and star trek

star trek 4 the origin home

he was going along with it

for quite some time as well

I think he's a star trek fan

what the fuck are you talking about

get out of here

that guy was a good sports sloth

good point

anyway well here we are doing prank calls i hope you're all having a great night new news says do

pranks based on this and he sends me an article that says most popular porn site search terms

revealed americans favor milf syrians like ant what oh that's interesting yeah i'm looking at

the same thing there's a wow romanians are a little bit scary but whether in the shit

scat no romanians uh like mom and son hey netherlands like uh milf there you go wow

yeah romanians mom and son huh that's kind of weird what's tuga slang for portuguese oh that's

stupid i like how uh uk number one search term is british i have to admit i've looked for that

a couple of times so vain god denmark casting is one of them like oh yeah i wanted to see the

casting canadians are into teens and milfs and asians wow man where's germany germany's not even

uh mexico's number one is gay

mexico's gay mississippi number two is black gay there you go kentucky's number one is free gay

porn it's quite the interesting list man it's funny how teen spreads across all of them yeah

Yeah, we're into our teens here in the United States, and our MILFs, apparently.

California, number one, Asian, number two, massage, number three, teen.

Into an Asian teen massage.

We've got a call back here.

All right.

Call back.

I can't get the callers with me.

You have our telephone.

Would you please just call me back so I can talk to you about our telephone?

Hello.

Hi, sweetie.

How are you?

Hi.

Oh, I was in the toilet.

I was in the toilet.

I heard you on the answer machine.

Okay.

I was pushing out.

I was wondering where we can meet you to get my phone.

The iPhone?

Yeah.

Well, would you let me play a video game on it for a little bit first?

I just want to play a game.

I know.

I know you want to play on the phone, but that's not right.

We just want our phone back.

We're 70-year-old people.

We don't have naked pictures on there or anything else that you'd want.

We just got our grandkids, and we're old people.

We want our phone back.

I know.

Why can't you be nice and give us our phone back?

I will.

Why can't you be nice and let me?

I mean, if you're a grandmother, you know,

do you know sometimes your grandkids want to play video games,

and you let them play on the phone?

No, they've got their own phones.

They're all teenagers, and they've got their own phones,

and they play with their own phones.

But that's the whole thing.

They don't want any of our old stuff.

I don't get to do that thing.

I'm a poor person, and I never got to play Nintendo

nintendos or anything like that and i've got this phone would you just let me play for like a few

minutes and then i'll give it back please oh i'm not gonna do that because i won't get it back

but i'll tell you what i'll give you some money if you'll give let me have my phone back can i

will you give me like a nintendo wii or something i'm not gonna give you i can go get a goddamn

phone for a hundred dollars and replace it so i don't need to do that oh i'll give you i'll give

I'll give you $50, and you give me my phone back.

Okay.

And that's fair.

You don't have any naked pictures you said or anything like that on it?

I swear I don't have.

Why would I want any naked pictures?

Do you have any prescription?

I'm not interested in that kind of stuff, honey.

Do you have any prescription medicine?

Oh, I don't.

I'm not on any drugs.

Oh.

It doesn't do you any good.

Do you have any syringes?

I don't drink.

I don't have pills.

I don't have anything.

I'm just boring.

Oh.

I just want my back, okay?

Um, yeah, well, I'm going to...

You can either spot it.

If not, I'll have to do something drastic, you know?

No, no, no.

Please, no.

Just to be nice, tell us where you are.

We'll come pick up the phone.

I'll give you $50, and then we're square, okay?

Okay, well...

Either say yes or no.

Say yes or no.

Huh?

Tell me yes or no.

Huh?

Can I...

Well, one thing, though.

I'm going to say yes or no.

Maybe just the iPhone.

phone can i play that with the iphone like it's a car you know just move it around on the floor

like i make believe like it's a car toy and go meet me like that is that okay i don't understand

what you're talking about like like you know like i'll push the iphone around on the floor

like it's a car or a spaceship i use i use my imagination yeah can i do that why because i just

like to play you know plays the toys yeah and you don't let me play the video games i want to play

angry birds and stuff yeah well not on that phone can you play it and i can watch and see

how fun it is no i've played that game it's stupid to me oh what do you like to do with the phone

i like to talk to people on it oh that sounds really cool yeah that's i have a motorola track

phone yeah yeah and that's all i can do i can't even i don't even have tech stick on it all i can

do is have you got a grandmother no you do too no yes you do no i know you do okay why is the

guilty thing like that like i was supposed to tell you would you do this to your grandmother

she would let me she would let me play yeah i know but would you do this to your grandmother

what you're doing to me well if she didn't let me play i'd be pretty upset and you know i'd be like

damn grandma that's bad i'm ready to grandmother like this well yes or no i would say grandma you

really should at least just a dumb kid he just wants to play a video game for a little bit let

him play anger birds for five or ten minutes and he's gonna give it back that's all last time i'm

gonna ask you are you gonna tell me where you're at would you like to pick up my would you deny

I'm asking you.

This is it.

Would you deny your grandsons to play a video game if they really wanted to really bad?

Yes or no right now.

Will you be my grandma?

Are you going to tell me where my phone's at so I can come pick it up?

Yes or no?

If you'll be my grandma and I can talk to you sometimes, then yes.

Sure, you betcha.

I'll be your grandma.

Are you being sincere?

I am.

Do you swear in the Bible?

I like kids.

Do you swear in the Bible?

I've got grandchildren.

I love every one of them.

Swear on your grandchildren.

High school, college.

No, I said swear on your grandchildren's lives that you'll be my grandma.

Why?

I want to make sure you're serious because this iPhone is pretty hot.

You know, it's pretty cool.

That's nice.

Now, you're going to tell me yes or no where the phone's at.

Yes, if you swear on your grandchildren that you'll, like, adopt me, you know,

and i can be like honorary grandchild because you sound anything on my grandchildren's life

well i think too much well i'm gonna keep trying to unlock this thing maybe i can play anchor birds

and i'll call you when i can play when i unlock it then i'll call you say all right i'm done

bored with this you know ford you go for it little guy okay um but i'll talk to you later

thanks for calling back i really appreciate it grandma so you're not gonna so you're not

gonna give me your address so i can pick up my phone i can't give you my that's that's

It's dangerous to get my address out like that.

Why would I do that?

You come over.

You could be perverts or something like that, sexual predators and stuff.

Stranger.

You could be a stranger.

I don't even know what you have on this phone.

Who knows what kind of things.

You want to meet a Taco Bell?

Let's meet at Taco Bell.

Okay.

Which Taco Bell?

Which one do you like?

Are you on the north side, south side of this town or what?

North side.

What area of town?

North side, but I have a car.

I can get in the car and drive a little bit.

I don't have a license, but I can drive.

Okay.

Did you want to pick me up and, you know, then we'd pick me up and pick me up.

I'll call you tomorrow and we'll arrange a place, okay?

I'll tell you what, pick me up and we'll go to Taco Bell

and I'll give you the iPhone at the Taco Bell

because I don't want to meet in my house because it's dangerous.

Okay, that's fine.

so you pick come over to my house and pick me up and then we'll go to a safe location

and i'll give you the iphone and then maybe you think about letting me watch play a racing game

a car game on there we'll see we'll talk about that i just want the phone back okay okay so i'll

we'll do this tomorrow yeah give me a call tomorrow i'll be around yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna

yeah i'll be around i'm gonna watch cartoons in the morning and then give me a call

Okay, sounds good.

All right, bye.

Thank you.

All right, bye.

Bye-bye.

Wow.

Okay.

Damn, a hard-line grand.

What you do is to your grandma, too.

I did get that message you sent me.

Good job, man.

That's a good grandma.

She gilded you down.

Good night.

You're 12-year-old self.

I got your message to tell her to adopt me.

That's why I said, will you pee my crotch?

I was hoping that she did that because she said it to me and I started laughing at herself.

Will you be my grandpa?

Oh, boy.

How are you holding out on Armando, man?

You're sounding real good, dude, but I hear you're into the weakness coming back.

I'm getting tired.

I'm all right, man.

That was fun.

I know you're tired.

That uplifted me.

Next week will be our news game.

I guess Sunday.

Baz, what do you think?

Big Baz is here.

Hey, what's up?

Big Booty Baz.

Hey, the sexy voice.

Hey, Jen, you're trying to molest me, dude.

Yeah, of course.

He does have a sexy voice.

just don't tell my wife yeah oh she's involved mate we're doing it three way

sunday sounds good dude what time do you think you're going on uh three in the morning three

in the morning that's midnight my time no three pacific yeah that's a good point three in the

morning yeah that would be good my time too actually if you did that no no uh same time

you know 10 10 p.m more like 11 p.m so yeah three in the morning my time three in the morning your

time yeah same time same manhouse time different night stay up for 24 hours before every show

because your calls tonight have been great i would hope so because i haven't done calls in

three freaking weeks man jeez god last time i did a show we were all friends still on this station

now we're all freaking so much has happened god man it's been fun though i've sat back and watched

watch most of it brad's been cracking me up with his shit yeah brad's been brilliant

he's really masterful dude he's really shit his character dude he's freaking awesome

everyone's backing us up though you know i really appreciate it ken was real upset

ken how you doing ken hey ken yeah ken was pissed ken he's always pissed ken gets mad

when you miss a madhouse man you don't fuck a madhouse when it comes to ken i got pissed

would fucking, what's his face, fucking

DOS attack me for like a half hour.

Yeah, that was bullshit.

Was I wrong with that? Yeah, I remember that.

And he threatened you

on chat. He did it right

in chat. He was like, oh, Ken won't be talking in five

minutes and all of a sudden DOS attack.

Some people were like, I don't think it was him. I'm like,

oh, I'm pretty fucking sure it was him.

Wow. It was obvious. Power cycle your

router, man. Get a new DHCP,

man. Take it off static.

Dynamic DHCP. Power cycle

your router, man.

Yeah, I cycled it and fucking went through all that bullshit

and fucking came back.

You got to change your router's MAC address.

You got to go in a clone MAC address.

Clone the fucking computer you're on.

Yeah, yeah.

And you can just put any MAC address in there,

then restart your modem,

and then you'll pick up a new IP address from whoever you got.

Comcast, Charger, Cox, whatever.

I was sitting there, I'm like, you know, you can talk shit,

and I'm talking shit back,

so you can't take it so you fucking

DOS attack me. That's pretty weak, man.

He actually managed to do it.

He did. Oh, he shut me down for about a half hour.

Really?

Yeah, he'll probably do it to me now.

I mean, what's the point, dude? I mean, it's a bunch

of fucking bullshit anyway, because

it's not going anywhere, dude.

I mean, everybody's done

her story. Y'all know the

truth out there, so...

Sorry, I wasn't listening

because of fucking looking at the chat. Who DOS'd you?

the asshole man

the guy that quit

well he threatened to

he threatened to do it

and mysteriously Ken wasn't able to

get online for 30 minutes

afterwards

and he's not the only one

there were several other victims in our other chat

too so he's not the only one

it's been confirmed by several people

and you know also

I was told that he was also behind

the attack on the madhouse server

last night when the new guys came on

Yeah, I don't know, Jim, if you heard, there's a new group of young'uns there

who came on.

They're doing a Friday night show again.

So, pretty promising, man.

Madhouse server, because Panty Waste de-dossed our server off.

Finally, we got it back on today.

Are you sure he dodged it, though?

Yeah, of course, man.

Who else is doing it?

He's doing it to everybody.

He's going around.

It requires a certain skill level.

I don't know.

I always change my IP anyway.

land another thing is i'd never go to a site remember if you check into a site wherever you

are you got your ip so just beware of that that was a big thing when uh he created that other uh

chat room i didn't like how it showed like people's ips and shit when they came in that's

good that you know that was not supposed to be that way that actually can i mean i was involved

with the creation of that chat room originally and it was not supposed to be that way but their

Mibbit has a problem

that was why I was doing that

but I believe our new guru here

has got it straight

because the fact is I'm steering the IPs directly

with a prefix

so I think we're alright now

only certain people have like

me and Milkman and Carlito

yeah of course you had it

then you fucking used it

yeah you abused it

anyway who's

Baz is bringing up in the chat

here between us

Who's doing that?

Tux is doing that Friday night show, the Fridays at 10 Eastern.

Is it Tux?

They were pretty funny.

I listened to them last night.

Oh, yeah.

But Tux, Polk John, Ice Scoots, they were pretty funny, man.

I mean, especially for a front-runner show.

They did pretty darn good, actually.

Yeah.

I was digging it, man.

They did this hotel call where they were telling the guy he had to bring a sample of the water to the front desk.

They were doing a lot of signature calls, dude, but it was funny because they were doing them well, man.

Yeah, it was good stuff.

You know, before the split, I called in a couple of times to PSR, and Polkia came on, and she does some pretty good pranks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's on the show, man.

She's good, man.

She did a lot of calls last night.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

She's like Dark Stranger, but with different...

So we're going to do a different time Sunday.

Same time, you know, just Sunday.

Just moving the date.

Same time, just moving the date.

uh this is beyond man because you know like i don't want to go tell you guys i'm gonna be on

and i fall asleep and then you know we get 70 80 people sitting around waiting for a show and all

pissed off well i was cracking up with milkman's like i'm trying to get him on the line he was

like yeah you're a fucking liar i wore dialed his ass for like an hour and a half you guys and i

literally i killed his phone off man i i couldn't believe it i kind of figured it though after the

kind of like the way the ringing sequence changed i kind of thought i killed his phone but i did

I did non-stop for a little while

and he was gone

Carlito, did you get the

voicemails I left on your Skype

of doing the Turkish horse

who's duck are you sucking

we need to call that guy tonight

oh ok, let's call him

before it gets too late

speaking of the Turkish horse

I called this Greek restaurant

in Colorado

and this guy that answered

sounds just like the Turkish horse

but he's a Greek

and he hates turks i sent you the number in um chat and um google chat okay all right i think

i see that here now okay did jim ever hear those voicemails uh yeah yeah he sent them okay yeah

yeah all right you tell this guy that you're a turk he will instantly get pissed off we should

connect those two guys together then obviously yeah i was gonna suggest that play the voicemail

down the line to him yeah i emailed you a prank that i made to him you should check it out

sometime all right all

right.

Well, let me get that.

I got the number.

You said you sent the number in Google Talk.

You want me to put it in Skype chat?

Yeah, put it in Skype chat just so it makes it a little easier for me.

And, uh, Jen, you want to talk to the kitchen?

Yeah, okay, I'll talk to them right now.

Yeah, if you're ready.

Yeah, you should.

So they don't close up, you know.

We haven't talked to them in three weeks.

I'm getting hard on already, man.

I want to see if Faizan is there.

Yeah, she should put her guard down.

Hi, Ma.

Good evening, Turkish Kitchen.

Hello, Faizan.

This is Mr. Stewart.

Fuck you, Mr. Stewart.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Stewart.

And, uh, hello.

Fuck you.

That was short and to the point.

Fuck you, Mr. Stewart.

We're rather abruptly disconnected.

Oh, my.

Let me try it again.

That's a new beginning to fucking Jen's next show.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Mr. Stewart.

You don't remember him, do you?

I don't remember you.

The rest is a fact.

Take the fucking facts on, Mr. Stewart.

That's awesome.

She's so angry with me.

She loves you, Jen.

She said she wanted to have sex.

I think she's just really torn between her husband

and Jin is what the problem is

that's what I think

her husband does have a big cock

does anybody still have a picture

that link to her profile

or to his profile

I'm sure someone in the chat can dig it up real quick

I haven't seen it in a while

but sure it's out there

I'd like to see that picture again

I don't know

some guys said I wouldn't do her

I wouldn't do her

she looks like she has some angry sex

call that a Greek restaurant

I just posted in Skype chat

it's far from here

Greek to me

that's only like about like

3 miles from here

we should send you there Milkman

Jesus you can go there

that's fucking brilliant

and then I'll call and say

hey Jim Stewart's there

on a Saturday night when we're calling

yes hi

is this the Greek restaurant

hello hi this is greek restaurant hello hello what the fuck that's her that's her you need to ask for

the chef oh okay because he's the greek okay and he told me that he was gonna fuck me in the ass

when i called him a couple weeks ago all right i'll try again that's sweet he said he was gonna

put a chain around my neck and drag me around town as his bitch greek to me yes hi may i speak

Speak to the chef, please.

Hello, can you hear me?

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

Can you hear me?

Hello, hello, sweetie.

Hello, is this the chef?

Hello.

Yes, hey, I'm the Turk that called you a couple weeks ago.

I'd like to order some malacca.

Yeah.

Can you make me malacca?

Send the malacca in the mail.

You send it in the mail?

You didn't get it?

No, I didn't get it yet.

Maybe because you're a pussy.

No.

I remember I told you that I have a 14-inch dick, remember?

Yeah, the one you turn around and you fuck your ass.

Well, no, that's not as...

You get about 10 inches of dick.

You know, you've got to be a porn star, man.

No, I'm a Turk.

We all have that length of dick.

And you're a Turk.

Yes, I am a Turk.

Are you a Greek?

What?

You fuck asses as a Turk.

That's what you do, right?

Yes.

It's the future of the push of the future.

Oh, yeah?

Hello, I'm still here.

You're still here, okay.

Yeah, I was just listening to what you have to say to me.

i don't believe it so gilbert do you know what that means no what does that mean please

i'm i'm from the ottoman empire so gilbert you speak turkish no i don't i'm well i do speak

turkish i know that you i want you you are a bastard you are a bastard high one do the high

one you you you're a bastard right you're not the tank but you you claim you are a

Well, whatever you, you might say that, but my ancestors are from Turkey.

Yeah, my mother is your mother.

Yeah, because my mother went to Greece and she met your father.

I think so. Does your mother know you? Because we have the same mother, you know.

That means in my language, you're not sure.

I don't know, the Greek language is kind of screwed up.

It is?

Yeah, Turk language is the best language.

What are you majoring in?

What's that?

You're still in school, right?

I'm still in school?

Yeah, you're still in school, or what do you major?

Yeah, my major is in Greek philosophy.

Greek philosophy?

Yes.

That's where you learned the Malacca language?

Yes, they taught us that Turks make, or Greeks make Malacca.

The what?

They taught us in college that Greeks make Malacca.

Okay. So, how do you like your Malacca? Over easy? Over hard? How do you like it?

Oh, well, I just wanted to tell you that I know I'm a personal friend of Diogenes.

Okay.

And Diogenes tells me that your restaurant makes the best Malacca.

My restaurant makes everything the best.

Yeah. If Diogenes was still alive, he would come to your restaurant for Malacca.

I have a Greek accent.

I have a Greek? Yeah, I have a Greek.

Like my yaya, my papu.

Well, do you want to hear a real Greek-English accent?

Yeah.

Do you want to talk to my friend, Jin?

Jin, lover?

Yeah, yeah.

I am the lover.

How are you, man?

He's my lover.

You're the lover?

Yeah, yeah.

You sound like the girlfriend, man.

You sound like an idiot.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

How did you figure that out?

Because I asked your sister after we made love in your restaurant,

and she said to me,

yeah, my brother is an idiot.

And you're a fucking Indian, man.

You're an Indian, you idiot.

You sound like an Indian.

I am in the 7 millionth generation

of Diogenes the Cynic.

You are?

Yes.

Oh, that's nice, man.

So what do you want?

You want a malacca too?

No, no, I want to understand

why your sister dumped me.

Why did she dump me?

My sister?

Yeah.

First of all, I don't have a sister.

What about your brother?

If I had a sister, I could relate why she dumped you.

Tell me, why did it happen, you idiot?

I know, actually, you are a liar, because your sister is called Faizan.

Don't lie, don't deny it.

Faizan?

Yeah, Faizan.

Yeah, Faizan the Great.

She's also, she's half Greek.

Tell that idiot in the back there to be quiet.

Tell me what kind of drugs you use, you know, so I don't get that.

We use poppers.

We sniff them, and then we put them into the back, you know?

Remember, I told you about the poppers last time I talked to you.

Are you from Sri Lanka?

No, no, I'm from Uzbekistan.

I think if you claim you are Greek, Alexander the Great.

Yeah, Alexander is an idiot.

Alexander the Great made a trip over there, so maybe you are Greek.

What are you laughing about, you idiot?

I'm laughing because you're funny.

Would you laugh if I came in there and spanked you?

And spanked me?

Yes, yes.

That would be nice, man.

I think you would stop laughing.

I think you would, you know, ha, ha, ha, ha, and then, ah, ah, ah, shit, stop, and everything.

Would you please come in here and spank me?

I will, after you, yeah.

That's what we Greeks do to Turks.

I will bury you in my own restaurant and shit over your grave, too.

That's how I do it.

is it all right what if i buried you first and then peed on you come over here and show your

face oh i don't i'm coming and then i'm gonna bury you in your own restaurant you're coming

but you're coming on your friend you're not coming over here yeah the two of us will come

there together and bury you that's what we that's what we turks do to greeks you love them i like

you guys are pretty good there you're coming where you're my own restaurant that's how i do it

And then shit on it, yeah.

He goes, you're coming, but you're coming with your friend.

There you go, you've got a new Greek horse.

He was fucking cracking himself up.

He said, who is Jin? Is he your lover?

Yeah.

That was pretty cool, man.

You sound like a girl.

He was on point.

It's funny, he had an audience the whole time.

Somebody to listen to the whole time.

He was laughing with, you know.

Yeah, there was somebody else.

He's like, making fun of the...

Making fun of the...

Well, when I called them a couple weeks ago, he put, I think it was his wife on the phone,

and she chewed me up for a bit and told me to get fucked, and then he came back on the line,

and then I could hear her laughing in the background, so that was probably her.

Yeah, in the back.

He was sitting there going, he goes, does your mother know you?

Like his body's cracking up.

I'm like, what the fuck was so funny about that?

That's a big joke there in Greece.

All right, well, here's Ben.

Ben is selling a World War II German officer .25 automatic pistol with holster made in 1911 to 1914.

Geil.

Shit, I want it, man.

Being automatic, what does that make it an antique so he's able to possess it?

I would like to be a Nazi.

I want to understand Hitler.

Ja, hol.

I will be the German if you want me to come into the conversation.

Okay.

hey big ben hey ben hey hey ben were you catching catfish earlier today

were you fishing today no not today oh hey buddy uh you got that world war ii kraut uh

gun for sale yeah listen i got a friend of mine and we get down we get crazy we smoke

marijuana cigarettes and he's german i like to dress him up like a little german officer

officer uh i got the whole outfit and that's is that an authentic uh pistol and that's a bouncer

it's a what mauser it's a mauser where did you take it off of a dead german at all i bought it

yeah who'd you get did the guy you should kill the the german all right buddy you want to buy it or

what yeah i do buddy yeah um the thing is my german friend he's gonna wear it he's got the

Hitler outfit and everything and then

I wanted to wave the gun

around and I'm going to be his

Jew and he's going to put the gun in my mouth

and I'm going to suck his dick.

Oh shit, please

bring him back.

That guy had a

mouth full of dick.

Oh boozy.

He had a mouth full of dick next to his

cow body.

That is just brilliant.

Hello.

This is Mr. Stewart.

My friend called you a moment ago.

We want to buy the Mauser gun from you.

He does, huh?

Well, bring $600 over here and come on.

But hold on a moment there.

I want to tie you to the bed and put the leather hose on you.

I'm going to call the law and you're harassing me, buddy.

Going to shoot you with the Mauser.

Hello?

I'm going to call the law, buddy.

MPS Cobra

wanted to know

if that was

Death Fox on the line.

That's Death Fox.

Is there any difference?

I think Zyklon's

the better redneck anyway.

And he knows more

about guns too.

We could fucking

use him right here too.

Yeah.

Death Fox would've

eaten the gun by now.

Put barbecue sauce on him.

I don't know.

I think it was

last week

or two weeks ago

when you didn't go on.

He did a show

and like he was

pissed drunk

and we heard him

throw up about

three to four times oh shit i'm just like oh my god well he yeah another thing death fox like

carlito always hated me he talked shit about me one time because it was a saturday before the show

this show and he was drunk off his ass doing pranks and being real belligerent and as soon

as i started the show uh he started calling like immediately right at 10 o'clock to be on

and i was like oh man he's really drunk and people had already told me people had already told me

death fox is really drunk watch out i remember that night dude yeah yeah so while he was doing

i was like you know death fox keeps calling in i'm not gonna put him on because he's drunk off

his ass i'm gonna let him sober up and then he and then he never called again i figured he passed

out or something and then the next like two days later death fox gets hit he starts hitting me up

And it's like, yeah, people telling me that you was talking shit about me on the air

and that you hate me and you don't like me.

It's like, it's not that.

I was saying I didn't want you on because you were a piss-ass drunk, man.

It's going to be annoying.

And there you are.

Got to be slightly inebriated like me, goddammit.

Yeah.

But I understand he stopped drinking and stuff.

That's good.

Good for him, man.

I didn't know he threw up and stuff.

He doesn't have an SS uniform.

I want to shoot the Germans.

Yeah, what's that movie?

Wasn't there a movie where the guy was teaching the kid, mentoring the kid?

Oh, what the fuck was that?

Oh, I remember this film.

Yes, yes.

Apt Pupil.

Yeah, that was cool.

He put the cat in the oven.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Stewart again.

It is.

Well, this is Mr. Cat.

And you better not call this phone no more, buddy, because I'm calling the law right now.

The law.

But I want to tie you to the bed.

Uh-huh.

With the mouser in the ass.

Hello?

Mr. Cuck.

You're such a goddamn idiot.

Uh-huh.

What?

You heard me.

You are stupid asshole.

If I was anything to say, you wouldn't block your number so we couldn't call you.

We did block the number.

We are from the Gestapo.

Why are you standing?

Yeah, I know you're from the Gestapo.

And you're a bunch of idiots.

We're Aryans.

We are dressed with the SS uniform.

Yeah, you're dressed in a dress because that's the way you dress.

Yeah, you're in a dress, Jen.

We are coming to tie you to the bed.

Well, just come right on.

Don't nobody care.

You're an idiot.

Let me have some Mauser.

I want it.

Unless you have something, come on down here.

It don't bother me at all.

Thank you with the Mauser.

Yeah, go to hell, you little bitch.

I will bring you with me to the hell.

Come on.

And we will face Hitler together.

Yeah, we'll face Hitler.

Hitler, I'll stick Hitler up your ass, is what'll happen.

Damn freak.

What's this look like?

Call people in the middle of the night and say, hey, you get off you fucking faggot.

Yes, we get off you faggot.

That's right.

That's exactly what you are.

We are the people of life.

He's got a...

He's...

Hey, Carlito, call him back.

Play the porno music and let me just put an end to his ass.

He's got a point, Jen.

You're in the dress.

We're going to stick Hitler up your ass.

He called the fucking faggot and just played that shit down the line.

Oh, fuck yeah.

We're going to stick Hitler up your ass.

All right.

I'm going to stick it up your ass.

That is fucking classic.

What the hell?

Alright, yeah. We'll play the

porno music. I forgot what it was called in these

last three weeks.

This is Mr. Cop.

That's fucking believable.

Yeah, Mr. Cop. Hey,

Milkman, what are those...

Name some of those old classic

porno movies.

Meatspin.

Did you know Meatspin's...

I heard Meatspin's down.

like the the domain registration is gone you crashed it no i probably was that lady yeah that

lady kept going back on it she crashed it no the domain registration expired i i read yeah i read

an article that said a piece of the internet has died today the domain registration for meatspin

has expired yeah yeah whoever had it let it expire that's a shame isn't it it's a sad day indeed

now what do we do

can't send people to meat spin anymore I guess

I don't know

it's always bluewaffle.net

yeah or the lemon party

what's the lemon party

there's tub girl also

behind the green door

is it behind the green door

I'm trying to think

this one's called I like to watch

maybe this is one this is a different one

oh that's really cool what's that

this one's called I like to watch

classic 70s porn

There's a whole album of 70s porn music.

Dude, I like that music.

That sounds like that, you know, from that movie, Drive.

That sounds really good.

That's Dallas.

There's, like, tons of them.

Milkman, you probably remember the days when you had to go to the theaters, huh?

I remember the days when they didn't have, like, audio, man.

Hello.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

I got a sheet for you to fuck.

You what?

Stick your dick in.

Oh, fuck yeah.

You have a problem taking that phone off.

The ship is dressed in the Hitler uniform.

And the prize for the quickest hang-up goes to me.

Well, there you go.

I have one pygmy billy, four pygmy nannies.

Oh, these are goats.

Okay.

Right?

Goats, right?

A pygmy billy and a pygmy nanny.

That'd be my guess.

Can we dress them in the uniform?

farm will trade only for turkeys or big laying hens no game chickens geez this guy's got a whole

bunch of uh fucking rules sounds demanding pygmies oh you got a whole bunch of guinea hens you'll

trade him i don't think that's what this person wants dude i know that's why i said tell him that

because it's not what he asked for but if he knows anything he knows that's exactly what he done

There you go. Milkman's on the ball, man.

You heard him? That's why he said it.

Because it's what they do.

Funny enough, the next ad here says

the person wants to buy one or two guinea pigs.

You're not available now. Name a number after the beep.

Hello?

Where is my mouser?

Hello?

That's great.

Someone's looking for a chain link fence.

I have two grandkids under the age of three.

I need my backyard fenced in.

All right.

right uh okay i just need to fence in the polls if possible okay cool see if this works here i

should be playing the porno music in the background i still can't believe that lady called back the

grandma called back about the iphone feel bad feel bad she's pulling the guilt trip with me

hello skype skype oh maybe we got a skype freeze fuck oh yeah skype froze all right this will be

are we doing skype give me a second ladies and gentlemen i think i fixed it yeah there we go

skype should be good now we're good yeah i got that ken good let me get the rest of these guys

in here so we have milkman we have ken jen what else do we have do we have one more person that

was it right i think that was it i can still hear you while you were going on yeah i know it does

that it freezes for me and you guys can still hear me so jen milkman ken and baz that was it

in this music

I'm back sorry I stepped out of the room

sucks I can't find

a corner music selection

what's the face show

one time from my phone

I was like oh fuck yeah I'm like every other

person I called in from that point

I know that you can and I'm sitting there like

that's not me

oh man

alright let me get back to Lonesome's numbers

here he's been sending a lot of them

I am starting to get tired

Fuck man

Sorry guys

I tried

I tried to stay on

You're doing good

Armando man

I can't believe

Yeah

I'm really enjoying it

I'm fucking amazed

You really got gassed up though man

You've been doing a great job

This is Dirty Aaron

Thanks London

Loser

You rock

Yeah is Dirty Aaron around

I haven't seen him

I saw Cobra around

He was in

He logged on to Skype earlier

I know that

Yeah

I know Cobra was around

Cobra was around in chat

Yeah

Cobra was around in chat

But

Oh yeah

By the way, guys, register your NICs in the new IRC server.

I'm already in there.

Yeah, make sure you're registered.

How the fuck do you do that again?

I already did it once.

You send an IM to NICSERV.

Play.

Right, and that's it.

And it's got to say register.

Slash message NICSERV, register your NIC, I mean your password, and then your email.

Yeah, you just made it real confusing, Milkman.

Get with me.

I'll help you out, Ken.

So that no one can go in there and steal it from me, you know?

Slash message Nick serve register your password, your email.

Okay.

Easy enough.

There you go.

I'll talk to you about that later.

Clay's got it.

It's easy.

Yeah.

We'll help you, dude.

We'll get you.

We'll get you going.

I wish it was easier.

Anyway, we got someone, a son who was in need of a residence this summer for approximately

mid-May to mid-August.

He's a Christian and currently a student at college in Colorado Springs.

Majoring in professional golf management.

Wow.

Simple enough.

There you go.

All right.

Internee, currently looking for a residence in the area.

Little success for the summer.

I'm just going to paste this up here in the chat.

Anybody want this?

This guy, kid, I guess this is mom posting on his behalf.

How do you?

He's majoring in golf.

Wow.

Can you do that?

Boy, he's got a bright fucking future in front of him.

I guess he can.

Fucking Tiger Woods on the way.

Jesus.

It could provide great references, and you may call me or respond to this ad if you think you could help us out.

Dude, guys, this kid's in college, and his mommy's got to be like, oh, I'll find you a place, honey.

Tell him he's got to live with Big Ken.

There you go.

Why don't you interview him, Ken?

Or tell him you're like an assistant to Tiger Woods and you want to get like a lecture going or something.

You want to be a roommate and have him share your bed.

Yeah.

Tiger's looking for an intern.

That's good.

Please leave your name, number, and a short message.

Because if you don't...

What the fuck?

Okay, then we're trying it again.

That was very homo.

His mama should slap the shit out of him.

with a golf club my mom loves that all right here's a different ad it has to be a joke

i mean i don't know this can't be real in very broken english a guy named max who's 27 years

old and works at a safeway uh is looking for a student girl or any girl of college age to be his

roommate uh

To quote him,

My name is Max, 27 years old.

I work in Safeway.

I'm almost working all the day if I have full time.

Again, it is a nice apartment, clean, and the roommate

will share the internet and the Vista fees.

The fuck is a Vista fee?

this is really good because you can say if it's serious then you can say you've got a sister of

college age or something and you want to get her out of the house so you want to sort of get her

hooked up with him tell me that doesn't sound real rapey though it's brilliant it's just

That's like those guys that I send in.

They're like, oh, I have a studio apartment

or a one-bedroom apartment I'd like to share.

I want only bitches.

Yeah, only women.

It's usually Muslim guys, too.

Have you ever noticed that?

It's like these Muslim dudes.

Yeah, it's like Koreatown and different shit.

I'm like, oh, my God.

I only want a woman.

What's the success rate, though, for these people?

Has anybody done it?

There's got to be something.

They're all doing it, man.

Is it worth me trying it?

There you go.

Go for it.

You're in the wrong section of Craigslist, man.

It's in Spokane.

Get out of erotic services.

I sent some Alaskan numbers for Carlito tonight, too.

Does anyone want this?

Jen, you want this?

No, you take it.

Go on.

Tell them it's your sister.

Okay.

You know what?

I'm going to whore her out.

Is that it?

Yes.

Hi.

Is this Big Max?

Yes.

Hey, yes.

You're looking for a girl for roommate?

Yeah, I still am.

You still are?

Yeah.

Oh, I have my sister.

I wanted to rent her out for a roommate, you know?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Why don't you want to call me tomorrow at 9 o'clock?

Oh, why are you doing now?

Because I...

Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now on the computer.

Oh, okay, but listen, I can send her now.

She can go over there and talk to you right now

and show you her lingerie, you know?

Okay.

Do you want her to come over now?

I thought you were going to say,

okay, I'm not that busy, so do the rover.

He's busy on the computer?

Yeah, I think he's got his knob in his hand.

That's what he's got on.

Yeah.

I'm busy jacking off.

I'm busy

You sounded Samoan or something

Man-tay-tay

This is Man-tay

I thought we'd date for a year and a half

And not meet

So I could find out you're fake

Because I'm gay

Hello this is Max

Here

It's you

You fucking stupid Max

Nice fucking message

You really thought that one out

I just had a

Yeah

I might not be here

So

Yeah you think

I might not be here

I might

I might not

I might be home

Okay see you

bye

oh yeah leave a message thank you

he probably had to re-record that three times

he forgot to keep

saying leave a message

what do I say

I forgot to say leave a message

fiance and a guy

looking for a small house to call home

they have a lease up in June

will be moving beginning of May

both have stable income

would prefer the monthly rent to be $600 or less

no $800 or less

okay it's a nice quote stuff there in the chat jim you have two extremely behaved chihuahuas

you watching that yeah i'm a nice guy bridge texas 10 body fat none of that none of that is a lie

okay 10 percent you're always flaunting that 10 body fat but that is that i i maintain that 10

body fat i've maintained that for like a year and i've got scales that tell me exactly how much

body fat i've got uh jim we kept it around 10 there was a guy that was sharing a fucking

apartment earlier i wish he would have left a number he was like oh i'm gay but i hope you're

like sexually experienced like me and like just had this off the wall fucking head and i was like

leave a number to call i was like son of a bitch jim i hope you're not here in the afternoon

because that's when i like to have my sex and i'm like oh my god jenna why not uh nine percent

percent body fat what's up no i i'm yeah i'd have to i'd have to train a lot harder and i have to

watch out for my well my things i eat you know i'm already on a massive protein-based diet you

need to be serious if you get aids it'll help you yeah top athletes are between like six and ten

percent yes hi i understand you're looking for a house to rent for you and your fiancée yeah oh

yeah and you can come over and rent the house you know and do you guys like to clean the house and

everything i'm sorry what was that do you like to clean the house um are we clean people yeah

you like to clean yeah we're yeah we're very clean actually all right so which one of you

cleans what exactly like do you have a plan for cleaning uh-huh when is the trash taken out who

takes it out um it's kind of just like an adult thing like we clean everything like we're neat

freaks you have an adult cleaning thing like what i don't get what you're asking like who takes

takes trash out yeah like when do you know it's time to take out the trash when you take the trash

out once a week when the garbage man comes very good very good okay and then when do you know

it's time to uh mop the floor where the toilet is um every other week wait i'm sorry do you own a

house uh-huh yeah i own three houses okay uh every other week that's not very clean you know

Does the man of the house, does he sit down to pee or stand?

Actually, I'm a lesbian, and I have a domestic partner.

Oh, that's...

So it's just two women.

Oh, you're a sinner.

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

So then there's no problem with the pee getting on the floor too much then?

I'm sorry.

I don't think it'll work out.

I think you're drunk.

No, $400.

i rent it for 400 nice house has a pool all right is a five bedroom two bath it's really nice

okay um can you uh can you just give me a call tomorrow then or um right now it's not a really

great time are you kissing and touching your fiancee over her pretty sexy body or natural

breasts and everything that was a fucking trap you fell into i'm a lesbian oh god that's like

I'll reduce your red if one of you sucks me out

Oh shit

You're gonna cure them

There we go

All four of us should have started talking

Oh we got the cure

Which one of you has a butch haircut bitch

She heard my sinner comment

She's kinda like uh

I don't think

I don't think this is gonna work out

that's funny that's pretty good you sound drunk i'm sitting here saying stupid shit like yeah

what what's the adult plan for taking out the trash and you sit there's your certificate

another sit down and pee that's important important questions should i ask them how

often they fucking wash between their butt cheeks well i was gonna ask her like if one of them is

Is there lesbians, when they squirt, do they clean it up real quick and stuff?

Because you come in with a black light once a week to fucking check the situation.

When you eat your fiancé out, do you put a towel down on the bed?

You're going to check for vaginal secretions.

Have you tried the fisting?

The poo-poo.

Ain't no licking.

I'm going to try to call her back, man.

could have told him about the bowling ball grip i just learned about this yeah i'll tell her

let me talk to her i'll tell her okay hello hello hello yeah how are you good excellent

my name is mr stewart can i talk to the lady please um i'm sorry i think you have the right

number no no i have a right number and i just i want to talk to your friend there let me talk to

the lady well i think you do not call this number anymore okay can i can i put my fist into the

into your back into the lady uh no no you know fisting fisting you know that one

i thought they were lesbos i thought they were lesbos yeah that's interesting

they put fucking captain save a hoe on the line to fucking no i think you know what happened i

think it was her partner just taking loads of uh hormone tablets i don't think you should call

his phone anymore this is terzer good point wow that was mandy on the line right now mandy all

right my family fiance six month old three year old having to move out of our house because the

state is going to bulldoze our house to widen the highway oh shit that sucks yeah they're desperately

need of a two or three bedroom house

that will accept one small dog and

one 30 pound dog.

We would like, but not necessarily, a

fenced yard because of the stupid dogs

and our stupid three year old

willing to sign

a year lease. This is in

Spokane, Washington. A bunch of rednecks

in Spokane. Spokane?

Is that how it is? Spokane.

Yep. Spokane.

Second biggest city in Washington.

Ooh, right after D.C.

Yep. Enjoy this horizon

What about Redmond? Redmond's not as big?

Oh, nice!

Vivaldi!

He's been ripped off for years with his written back.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, how are you?

Uh, good. Who is this?

Mr. Stewart, who is this?

Not who you're calling.

It is indeed.

Well, how can it not be who I'm calling, you idiot?

Hello?

Did you forget what it was, Jim?

you jumped in

I would let you go

sorry man

I started singing

and then you were like

enjoy this horizon ring

back down

while your party is reached

so did you get

forsaken

straight chin

that was quite rude

yeah

you want me to do this again

yeah dude

yeah you gotta

stand up for yourself

your call has been

forwarded

to a dramatic voice

oh shit

start singing

into his fucking voice

yeah

alright maybe

he'll even pick up

let's try it

if not sing

okay

enjoy this horizon ring

back down

while your party is reached

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

trevor let's all fucking see yeah yeah this will sing please record your message when you have

finished recording you may hang up or press one for more options to leave a callback number press

S5.

You're an asshole, Trevor.

I'll be watching you every step you take.

Every move you make.

All right.

Big Virginia selling a retro trike.

$100.

My kiddo is much too big for this retro tricycle.

You got some fat-ass kid?

Yeah, that's my idea.

idea there we go a couple little scratches on the shit too bad dirty wasn't i don't need to be in

there shut your fucking kid up shut your dogs up shut your kid up everyone shut up that's what he

would say also ask if it comes with a basket lonesome recommends we should ask if it comes

with a basket so we can use it to do our grocery shopping okay and if there's no fucking bell on

there too that's a deal breaker okay all right lonesome mostly just tell him he can't afford a

car anymore normal size bike it's just too scary ask if they think this would be good enough to get

you to or to and from work interesting all right here we go i haven't even looked at request a

prank my eyes are burning out of tiredness i think this is it this is the last one guys

i'm burning i'm burning i'm burning for you yeah is that herpes and did aaron want to go on because

there's a ton of numbers here alone some sense automatic voice message system is on skype right

Yeah, I hate to give out these

Lonesome sent me a shit ton of numbers

Here that I did not get to tonight

Restaurants out the ass

I sent you a handful of numbers from Alaska too

Yeah, you got all those that you sent

That I didn't get to

I'm far too tired, far too tired

Dirty says he's not going on tonight

Aw, suffer bitches

Alright, well, I don't know

There you go

He went on last week

there you go right he's only contractually

obligated for

he said no and then fucking went

offline

no

leave me alone alright well I'm out of here

and you guys are out of here also

so see you later

Baz you're out of here on your ass

I'm out of here on my ass

see you Dexter

I'm out of here on my penis

yeah he took

he took the other way out

gin always stays so milkman you take us out of here cocksucker man oh man oh man oh man oh man

what an episode what i tell you guys i told you if the air money no comes out of his coma

good things are to abound and what did we have a mighty great show that's right

we got funky chimes do we have funky chimes anymore is that anywhere in our repertoire man

can we roll the funky chimes again i've never heard of funky chimes oh okay all right here we

Anyway, we've never heard of Funky Chinese.

I haven't either.

Funky Chinese is good, too, man.

I love Chinese, man.

But I'd like to thank the Lonesome Loser.

That's right.

Our numbers hit, man.

My goodness gracious.

Oh, Mr. Eldai, man, my brother.

Thank you so much.

You rock, man.

I want to thank everybody for stopping in, especially our special guest tonight, George,

the man of the hour, the man on the spot, the man with the killer mouser.

The killer mouser.

Hell yeah, man.

man.

You can move it from archery into mouser work.

You know,

there's all kinds of things up in the future.

Stay tuned right on the Madhouse,

because I'm sure Jake will have an update for you at some point here in the future,

probably here in just a couple of minutes.

I want to thank you,

our listeners.

That's right.

Everybody for stopping in,

joining our channel,

8.6 the mouth.

Thank especially Mr.

Zed Zed Zed.

Man,

thank you so much.

We really appreciate all your services.

Everybody to contribute to getting this whole thing rolling again.

Man,

we thank you.

That's right.

Our dearest listeners,

We do this every week.

We do the most interactive show you can find right here on the Internet.

That's right.

You drop the dime.

We ask that you give us a time.

Drop by, share, laugh, bring a friend, bury up, bring an enemy.

You're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

We do it at our fearless leader, the Airmanito.

The Gently Simone, the Madhouse, man.

He's going to get some rest.

We're going to go to a new schedule, and everybody's going to be freaking laughing right big at

our Manito over to you.

Thank you.

All right.

There you go.

Great show.

Everyone go to ginsteward.com

where there's a big bunch of nothing.

Big donkey.

Big donkey and no donkey.

There's a link to his YouTube channel where there's some

stuff. The Gestapo is happy

to oblige. Alright. Thanks for being

on, Gin. Thanks for

doing the show, man. I'm happy it worked

out in the end. Yeah. Alright.

Thanks, Milkman. Thanks, Lawsome. Thanks

everyone who sent the numbers, even the ones that didn't get to.

Thanks everyone for tuning

in. Oh, Carlito, wait. You've got

to send me something. I'll talk to you on Facebook shortly.

Yeah, I'll send it to you.

You got it, man.

All right.

Anyway, seriously, we're out of here.

Good night, everybody.

Ciao.

Hey, good night, everybody.

Ciao.

Yay.

Peace out.

Calls (14, 56 min of 1 h 49 min)

Transcript

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