Little Chicken

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense,

Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If a nuclear attack ever occurs, go to a public shelter if one is nearby.

Or if you have a home shelter, use it.

But if regular shelter isn't available, and even if your home has no basement,

you could still improvise some limited fallout protection in a first floor hall or room,

away from outer walls and windows.

Use doors off their hinges, furniture and appliances, plus stacks of other shielding material such as trunks or drawers filled with sand or earth to make an enclosure large enough to live in for a short time.

Some homes without basements have a crawl space between the first floor and the ground.

Select the crawl space area under the center of a house and place shielding material around it.

On the floor above, place other shielding material to provide additional protection for the shelter space.

For more information on how to improvise fallout protection, check with your local civil defense director.

This is rap music.

We're listening to rap music.

Hi, guys.

Good evening.

I'm Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio.

This just happens to be Madhouse Radio.

Amazing.

April 7th.

Motherfucker.

Yay.

Good evening, folks.

Thanks for joining us.

with me here as usual

is Milkman.

Milkman.

Oh!

Here's my D-Dog!

Hey, man, it's so good to hear

your melodious tones there,

my friend. It sounds like you've got

something up your sleeve there in store

for us, man, and I can't wait, man.

Cookin', my brother. How you been, man?

Rap music. Rap music is

cookin'.

Anyway.

Sounds good, man.

man. Thank you. All right, folks, we're going to have a good show tonight. I'm going to move my

chair to the side a little bit. I'm a little disconcerted because I didn't have any cigars

inside my humidor and I knew I had one in the car that I left for a few days and it's all messed up

because it dried out. I'm going to smoke it anyway, but it's probably going to get a nice

glass of water and have it here, man, because it might be a kid of a gag. No, it's fine. It'll

the word oh it's not completely dried out i've smoked those dried out ones before and they are

they're harsh on your throat man they beat it down yeah they can be this i don't think this

is too bad but the the uh the wrapper is starting to come out already towards the

oh okay okay the wrapper the wrapper is just starting to dry yeah and the problem is it's

gonna break up in my mouth and my mouth all apart yeah man well um yeah we're here a little

little on time for a change that's good good for us oh my goodness what time is it it is not 10

o'clock is it heck man it's still 10 o'clock dude what's wrong man good man we're doing good oh

hey you're right that is a good thing man yeah all right well uh i don't really want to talk

about nothing except for prank calls we could just do prank that sounds like i'm gonna talk

about i have no idea what's gonna happen tonight we usually don't have a plan we just kind of do

it well so let's call a hotel in indonesia how about that plan is is we're gonna have some

freaking fun speaking of fun milkman did you hear what happened to kdk poor dumb guy what no what

happened man don't tell me something bad happened to him i hope not no it's bad i when i shit fall

hit me up on facebook she was talking to me she said did you hear what happened to kdk

shit what is it like what happened this time oh you know he uh drunk bill beat him up and

slashed i'm sorry i mean to laugh drunk bill beat him up and slashed his face and i was like

you're kidding they said this is a stupid april fool's joke that he did four or five days after

the fact she's like no here's the video she's like no here's the video from last night i look

at the video sure enough kdk has a massive swollen black eye and uh and uh i don't i'm

I'm not trying to laugh.

I'm sorry.

It's not funny.

And I'm not making light of it.

I'm just, I feel bad for him.

Yeah, apparently that guy that lives next to him that he's been having sex with and stuff went nuts and tried to kill him, apparently.

Jesus Christ.

God damn it.

Are you kidding me?

So he really got his face cut, too?

Well, I was the same way.

You know, he's cried wolf so many times.

I know, dude.

I don't trust him, man, as far as that goes.

Because I remember the time he shot himself on the air and then turned around a little bit later and came back on the air.

That was real.

That was a real doozy.

Yeah.

So, you know, you don't know about that guy.

Seriously, man.

So, what?

He looks beat up or does he look like made up?

You know, he's beat up, dude.

That's not makeup.

Really?

Yeah, he's beat up.

Ouch.

He got beat up, man.

I feel bad for the guy.

Oh, man.

We talk shit about him.

That's too bad.

He's still...

Jesus Christ.

We talk shit about him, but still, man, he's not that bad a guy.

Dude, I got over it, man.

And you know what?

I forgave him after, what, six years?

Yeah.

Hi, girlfriend.

Welcome back.

Well, I hope you get better.

You know, a Moe's face is his most important thing.

You don't want to have any scars.

At least hopefully it ain't scarred.

Don't make fun of him in a gay voice, dude.

That's just wrong.

Oh, I'm not, dude.

No, man.

I'm not.

It's all good, man.

It's all fun.

Oh, this cigar is all fucked.

Look at this.

Look at the end of the cigar.

Look at this.

i don't know if it's coming on video okay look at this shit look at it god damn it

we're cigar oh you need you need a lewinsky man go man why don't you go ahead like take

your real quick break there man and uh play like one phone call go in there and do a monica

lewinsky you then deaners will help you out and then come back and enjoy your cigar oh no

oh no other than that i know i heard matt laugh track matt your buddy uh i know he

He was in the hospital.

I didn't realize he was in the hospital for over a month.

I knew he had hurt his leg.

He didn't hurt that long.

He broke his leg.

Yeah, he broke his leg, man.

And I think he finally got out this week.

I thought he was already out.

I thought he was only in there for one week.

Then I misunderstood because I hadn't heard shit about him after that first week.

He went back in and he was in for a while, apparently.

He had a whole bunch of physical therapy and problems with the knee machine.

Boy, man, here come the aces, man.

man. Well, I hope you get feeling better

there, Mr. Matt, dude.

Hang in there, man.

Yeah, man. Hopefully, I'll give you some opiates

and shit. That'd be cool.

Oh, God.

Follow the orders, man, and don't be pushing around

on that leg, man. Whatever you do,

do not use it. Keep the weight off it

as long as you can because them bones

take up to six months to

completely heal.

Even a year later, there's going to be some healing, too,

just depending on what you did.

Take it easy.

Well, he's back home with a wheelchair.

I know that.

Apparently, yeah, he was posting on Facebook that he had to pee.

And the wheelchair doesn't fit in the bathroom, so he has to do it on his couch into a bottle.

And he peed all over the couch.

He missed.

That happened to me when I was in the hospital two years ago.

One of the times I had to pee, they give you a thing to pee in, and I ended up peeing.

I missed, and it got all over the bed.

It was pretty embarrassing.

Man, I hate to hear that.

Yeah, I know you guys with short ones have problems like that, man.

I never had that, you know.

Very funny.

I'm trying to save this cigar here.

Give me a second.

You shut up.

Have you tried, like, seriously, like a clean paper, I mean, a clean, like, paper towel

or a clean, like, hand, you know, towel and, like, moisten it lightly and, like, put it

in the microwave for, like, 30 seconds because, like, it's going to create a little bit of

steam, like.

No, it's too late.

It's already lit, man.

Well, it's not too late

As long as the rag don't catch on fire

I think it's alright now

I think I saved it

It's just the wrapper in my mouth part was breaking up

So I couldn't get good suction on it

I think I got it now

Alright, well hey, we were going to call Indonesia

Before we mentioned KDK

So let's call Indonesia, right?

Okay

Get well soon, KDK and Matt

Get well

We're just horsing around

Is this the Indonesia hotel?

Yeah?

I hear there are lots of pretty ladies in Indonesia.

What?

Yeah?

There are lots of pretty ladies in Indonesia.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, so do you, if I get a hotel room there,

what's the policy about women coming to visit in the room for a few hours?

Wait a moment.

What?

Is Indonesia the place of the king?

You can't make fun of the king?

Am I right?

Or is it somewhere else?

Thailand, that's Thailand.

Thailand, Thailand.

Hi, little lady.

How are you doing there, pretty?

pretty sweetie baby how are you yes hi honey baby i was wanting to make a hotel reservation

but i wanted to see the rules about having a nice pretty girl nice honey baby come into my room

you know is there a rule can i have visitors in my room uh you want to reserve my reservation

well only if i can have a nice pretty sexy uh indonesian girl in my room for a while you know

Do you have a book there of women who provide nighttime services to warm up men and relax them?

Do you provide these services?

May I know your name, please, sir?

My name is Sook Cross.

Can you spell it, sorry?

C-R-O-S-S.

Please wait.

This is your reservation name, sorry?

No, I don't have a reservation yet.

I want to make the reservation only when I'm sure that I can have a nice, pretty, sexy girl come to my room, you know,

and just for a few hours, you know?

Yes.

Is that allowed?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Are you stupid or do you know what I'm saying?

Yes, I will take in two persons in a room, sorry.

No, no, the room is just for me, but for a little bit I'm going to have a girl come by from the street

and she's going to stay with me and take off her clothes, you know, and we'll take a shower together.

You know what I'm saying?

I think she dropped the phone there

you got her all excited here

I'm asking about a prostitute

yes I keep asking if I can bring

a prostitute to the room

okay she's transferring

big soups of showers

are not allowed

that was the whole contention point

wow we got one of our

one of our regular listeners down

Down in Rio on vacation.

Come run back to the room to tune in to the show tonight, man.

Welcome, DJ Tin.

Yay, man.

If I was in Rio, I'd be out looking for a prostitute.

I would be looking for bunda.

We love bunda, Tin.

Right, hermanito?

We love the bunda.

What the fuck is bunda?

Bunda, you know what is.

Coolo, man.

Come on.

I'm not Portuguese.

I don't speak Portuguese.

What do you think?

Well, man, bunda, man.

You got to know the good words in every language, dude.

dude. Nasty Brazilians.

They're nasty. Oh, I don't know

about that, dude. Everyone I ever seen,

dude, they are freaking smoking.

Some of my best customers,

dude. I'll have to show you a picture

of her. This girl.

Oh, my God. I would

have a heart attack every time

she hugged me. I was with a Brazilian girl once.

Shut up, you asshole.

They hung up because you were talking like a stupid...

I was with a Brazilian girl once. She was pretty cool.

Really? Awesome.

Shut up.

Yeah, hi, shut up.

Yeah?

Yeah, you were transferring me and they hung up.

Yeah?

Well, you...

This is my dog.

What?

May I know your name, sir?

This is Mr. Cross.

Mr.?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Yeah, what can I do for you, sir?

Well, I was wanting to make a reservation, but I want to confirm your prostitute policy.

Yeah?

Well, are you a prostitute?

Oh, you want to make a reservation with our hotel?

Uh, well, for me and one prostitute for three hours, yeah.

Every time you say prostitute, she says she wants to do a registration.

She asks you, do you want to make a reservation?

So there's something about that.

Yes, hi, what's the policy for prostitutes there?

The prostitution policy, what is it?

The policy for?

Prostitution.

Hello?

She doesn't want to talk about it, Milkman.

I have to give more Skype credit also, sir.

Okay?

all right brother i then will hold that hold your ass hey do you got any of the

barbara mansfield calls man like near just like throw one on debbie mansfield yeah deborah

mansfield man um we are working on that also still trying to get her back in the madhouse

man the arm is is uh diligently searching for her yeah we should you know the last time we

talked to her uh what happened the last time we talked to her she said the whole banana thing

remember she said kiss my pussy yeah that was and you was an asshole licking a asshole licker white

boy she called me a peckerwood yeah but she kept saying an asshole licker thing that was the one

thing she got stuck on white boys i don't know where that came from but it was darn good material

man she is a real comedian yeah she's like i hate you white boys you're peckerwood peckerwood is

like a 1970s freaking thing oh that's a real put down in the old days i know you don't hear that

that much at all i've seen that like yeah that's old 70s black books black exploitation movies

yeah that's kind of like a southern type of uh saying it technically yeah yeah when uh when i

was in college me and andy were driving and andy cut a black lady off an accident and she cut off

to him and called her called him a peckerwood and we started laughing we just started laughing

we started busted out laughing like this is like 1998 when it happened you know we're both like

Like, ah, Peckerwood.

She heard us laughing and she kind of smirked.

Like, she's like, yeah, I guess, you know, she kind of like, oh, it was kind of funny.

It's like calling you like a dick, man.

Like, you know, like a boner or something like that.

Similar to that.

A pecker is your doohickey.

Yeah.

And then they call Peckerwood, man.

I mean, you know, it's like wood.

Yeah.

Peckerwood.

All right.

Well, um.

Hey, boner.

Boner head.

I guess so.

Well, um, it doesn't take long to get Skype credit anymore.

more so but let me let me play it i'll play that uh i'll play that if i can find a kiss my pussy

i don't know oh and that's one of my favorites you know uh i don't i got you kiss my shoes i

don't think that's kiss my pussy hang on i don't remember what this i'm surprised i didn't isolate

that one dude if i would have isolated kiss my pussy interesting um what was her name bus driver

angry bus driver right what we used to call her when we first started doing her here we go governor

her out the bus we'll do the first one we ever did to her reckless bus driver here you go listen

to this and uh we'll continue the show let me get some skype credit one more thank you you're welcome

hello hey debbie yeah i'm calling with the department of motor vehicles how are you

yeah hi good we need you to come in tomorrow for a uh a driver's assessment we've received a few

complaints on your license plate we pulled them and we need you to come in to fill out a driver

Your driving privileges are in danger of being revoked.

We need you to come in for an alternate driver's assessment tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock.

Your driving privileges are going to be revoked unless you can come in tomorrow and pass your driver's assessment.

We're actually going to be drawing blood for an alcohol and abusive substance test.

Who are you? Is this legit?

Yes, it is. I'm Jack Masterson with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

You've had three complaints within the last 72 hours.

Three complaints of what?

Of reckless driving.

No, not me. You got the wrong one.

According to this, if you don't pass this test, we're going to be drawing blood,

and you have to do the written test.

If you fail, you're going to lose your driving...

Where was I cited for reckless driving?

I'm not allowed to give that information until you come into murder.

Where was I? This doesn't sound legitimate to me.

So I'll just contact the state representative or somebody and have them investigate it.

He can't help you.

I've never had a call at, no, 10 minutes to 12.

You can call your lawyer.

You can call your pastor.

It doesn't matter.

But if you don't come in tomorrow, you better not be driving.

Where was I reckless driving at?

Down the highway.

The interstate.

Interstate, Maine.

Where?

We got you on camera also.

Where is my license number?

Ma'am, I can't get that out over the phone.

You know that.

You know what?

You may be a mass murderer or anybody else.

You just don't have to take me to court to do what you got to do.

What's the big deal?

At 10 minutes to 12 tonight, you're going to call me and you jack Masterson

and you can't tell me what I've done.

You were down I-70 and I-0, man.

You were tracked by the cameras at the intersections.

In what kind of car?

I don't have the color of your car.

I don't have time to do that.

I drive a school bus, so was it on my job or in my car?

It was a yellow bus.

No, and you know what?

You got me wrong there because I don't use interstate on my run.

Oh, really?

No, I don't.

Well, not according to this information here.

Not on the interstate.

I'm not on the interstate in my bus.

My route is in the city streets.

Let me ask you a question.

Would you pass a drug test if we were to ask you to do that right now?

Oh, yes.

I don't do drugs, and I do do alcohol.

And, you know, you call the hospital, and the hospital, where I am treated.

Well, that's not what your pastor says.

What pastor?

Your pastor of the church and your parole officer.

I ain't got no pastor, no parole officer.

I tell you, you got the wrong devil.

God damn it, woman.

man don't you talk to me like that oh god damn it don't you call my house no more and you better not

let me find out who you are you crazy ass something you better get off the phone because

i'm gonna call the real damn police well having problems processing the uh skype credit thing

here says it's not connecting i don't have internet connection which is incorrect oh damn

i does have internet i miss deborah i miss deborah yeah she she really got into the

Madhouse, man. She was

really one of the greater fans.

If you want to call it that,

into the Madhouse, I guess.

I'm going to have to play a couple more

prank calls while I go grab...

Well, what is cool

since we've started hopping

across the time zones here,

weekly time zones, that

we've never tried to reach her, so she

may not suspect if it's

a non-Thursday call.

She might not be expecting it, you're right.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

It always is Thursdays.

We haven't done any since then.

I'm going to have to go grab the iPad because I know for a fact it works on there

because I added credit to my other.

You got the original Charlie, the baptism, Charlie's phone baptism call?

Maybe I'll give you enough time.

Not in front of me right now, but I do have another Debbie Mansfield prank call.

We can play it.

Oh, you are the best.

And then after that, another one called the man pants.

Give me a second.

I'll be right back.

Sorry, guys.

I should have taken care of this earlier, but I'll be right back.

Hey, Debbie, what's going on?

How are you?

It's Jack Valente.

How are you, sister?

Hello?

Jack Valente.

Who?

We did a scan on your bus.

Apparently, you took the governor out of the bus.

Who did?

You did.

I took one out of the bus?

You paid someone to take the governor out of your bus.

Oh, here we go again.

I love that lady.

Oh, motherfucker.

Holding, this is Jackie, the general manager.

I was getting ready to hang up and call back, sir, because I haven't been put on hold so

So much, and I've been demanding to speak to the chef, the head chef in charge.

He's the person that takes the responsibility when it comes to steak and food.

I'm the general manager.

That's nice, honey.

Can I speak to the man in charge there in the kitchen, please?

We'll be happy to assist you.

I'm the general manager, so I've managed a whole restaurant.

That's nice.

So I will take full responsibility of everything.

That's nice, honey.

You just sit there and be pretty.

It's okay.

But go ahead and put Fernando on the phone again, please.

Sir, rudeness is not physical.

Guest complaints, I'm more than happy to do so.

Well, who cooked my steak then? Who's in charge of cooking back there?

Because this is the person I need to speak with. We've got to get to the root of the problem.

Not dealing with red tape with women answering the phone wearing man pants.

Sorry. I'm trying to assist you. I'm on your side here.

But making derogatory comments about me because I'm a female is unnecessary.

Take off your man pants, woman.

Tell me what reservation you're on.

This is Valente, and I came with a party from Valente and Associates.

And for the fifth time, I've gotten the messed up order with the steak.

I command you to apologize to me.

As a matter of fact, I want you to bring Fernando to the phone,

and I want him to say, I'm sorry, into the speakerphone.

Do you have speakerphone there, honey?

Hello?

Do you know how to use speakerphone?

Wow, this is going well.

It's Ted's song.

Who are you holding for?

I'm holding for the head chef man in charge.

Who am I speaking with, and why are you answering me?

This is the regional manager.

My name is Kim.

That's nice, honey.

This is Valente.

Valente, I need to speak to the chef, please.

There's a gentleman there I was working with before.

The chef passed your phone call along to me.

Yes, yes, honey.

Can I speak to your gentleman?

Could you not call me honey, please?

What is your name, sir?

This is Valente.

Valente is your first name?

That's right, sweetie.

Okay, please don't call me sweetie.

What can I help you with tonight?

I'm a little upset that I've come in for the fifth time,

and the steak is coming out in an inappropriate state of being cooked incorrectly,

correctly. Blood coming from the steak when it's been ordered medium well. And I, listen, this is

disgusting. You know what it looks like to me? You know, I used to follow a strict diet regimen

where you had to eat the food and it's absolutely not supposed to be raw because it's, I'm not going

to mention it, but it's certain passages in the Bible. I don't know if you have a Bible there. I

always have a Bible with me in my house, in my vehicle. I even have a small Bible I bring with

me sometimes when I know I'm going to be sitting waiting for to see the doctor or to play the

lottery in the gas station or something like that so what is this what is your name my name is kim

owen okay big kim so my deal here what i don't like is the fact that i was talking directly with

a person who i feel needs to make these corrections for when i come in and hopefully this will happen

a sixth time and now all of a sudden i'm being talked to by women over there that are telling

me that i can talk to them that are refusing to put me through to the person who messed up my

steak i just want to have a conversation with him because i want to teach him i want to teach

Teach Fernando over there how it is you're supposed to make this take.

Well, Fernando, quite frankly, was feeling rather disrespected because you were yelling, as was the general manager.

And I happened to be in town this evening, so she passed your call along to me.

I happen not to yell at anybody until I sort of get a run around from that lady.

I never raise my voice to Fernando.

And if you say that, then someone is lying.

And I have a feeling it might be you making up stories right now, trying to dissuade me from the situation, sweetie.

And I don't appreciate it.

I understand, sweetie.

Okay, hon.

I don't appreciate this, sweetie.

Well, you know, how many other, what are you, a regional manager, your assistant to the regional manager?

No, I'm the regional manager.

Is there a man above you somewhere that I can talk to that happens to be there?

My CEO is the man that's above me.

Well, good.

He's the only person that's above me.

Does he happen to be in there coincidentally?

No, he's not here tonight.

It seems to me like I'm speaking to some random woman who's working there who wants to impersonate that she's wearing the man pants here and is a regional manager.

Right, the regional manager.

The band pants.

You want to hear the rest of this, guys?

I'm going to play the rest of this because this is one of my favorite prank calls,

I'll be honest with you.

I'm so mean to this lady.

On so many levels, she gets so upset.

There's only 2 minutes 20 seconds left.

The Skype credit's through, so we got that ready.

But let's listen to the rest of this, and we'll continue in just a moment.

And it just happens to be on a Tuesday night.

Well, I happen to live in Las Vegas, so yes, I happen to be here on a Tuesday night.

Ridiculous.

You obviously do live in Las Vegas, and you're obviously new money.

Well, I don't know what any of this means.

You don't know what new money is.

When you're ready to tell me what the issues are and speak to me in a respectful manner that I'm speaking to you in,

then we can talk.

So you can give me a call anytime.

That's nice, honey.

Do you want to write down my phone number?

I don't know why you'd want me to call you back.

I am a woman.

Well, once you calm down, you can call me back.

I'm very calm.

You're the one that's not calm.

Well, pass this number on to the man in charge of things over there.

Well, I will give him your information,

but I'm quite sure that you're not going to get a phone call from him.

Then I'll call back in.

Where can I call him at?

Where is he at?

You can leave a message for him here.

No, where's the corporate headquarters?

Valente?

Valente is all you need, Valente.

I'm with Valente and Associates, yes,

and I happen to be a CEO myself of Valente and Associates in Oklahoma City.

And I don't have a habit of coming.

I come here once a month to handle business, and every time I come here and I get the most substandard steak

from apparent immigrants or something that was going on here with these people that work here named Fernando and Gonzalez.

But now you're speaking offensively about race.

I'm Hispanic, sir.

I'm not going to put up with it.

Why don't you give me your phone number, and you can call me back whenever you calm down and stop social slurs

and feminine slurs toward everyone on my team here.

I'm not going to tolerate it.

What is your phone number, Valente?

four zero five no wait a minute yeah four zero five six it's a new number six six okay great

and listen honey you just sit there and be pretty make sure you get that um message out to the ceo

as you said honey okay sweetie yeah okay thank you baby all right shut up milkman why don't you die

why don't you hurry up and die asshole um we're back she's so stupid she said feminine slur it's

It's not feminine slur.

It's sexist slur.

Stupid.

Because she's obviously new money.

Well, we're back.

There's a 7-Eleven here sent by Lonesome Loser with a live webcam.

This is in my old hometown.

It's in Winter Park, Florida, just outside of Orlando.

It's a suburb of Orlando.

What the fuck's your problem?

Are we back?

Pendejo.

Yeah, we're back, pendejo.

I took the headphones off for a second.

I was like, you need to come back.

And I'm not going to call you, man.

So I answered the call.

Go masturbate.

Uh, we got, this one is on Aloma.

Let me see if I, I think this is the one that's across the street from, yes, I hear you.

Hello.

Okay.

I'm going to call you right back.

Okay.

Because I got to go mobile.

Okay.

Bye.

Oakman's going mobile.

I just want to look up on the maps, which 7-Eleven this is.

I think it's the one that's, uh, over by one of the colleges there in Orlando.

I think it's the one by Rollins College.

Maybe 608.

uh no it's the one on corner of forsyth and aloma is there no 7-eleven on forsyth and aloma

i gotta think i don't i haven't lived there for a while so i don't remember uh okay i'm looking

i'm trying to remember let's see i used to take forsyth to work i used to take forsyth to aloma

to go to work maybe it's a new 7-eleven okay i see where it is i remember where it is i don't

remember there being a 7-eleven there but i guess it's new must be a new one i haven't been there

in two years three years almost now so now it's been two years since i've lived in orlando anyway

they have a drop cam there those are some interesting devices so we get a webcam that

we can watch launch them if you want to post in the chat room so everyone can watch with us watch

the drop cam as we prank call them that would be interesting let me pull it up myself here

and it's got audio okay all right let's call them then it's a pizza guy what's your problem

Your sound sounds like shit, Milkman.

Pizza guy?

Yeah, is that a pizza guy on the camera?

No, not a pizza guy.

I have no idea what you mean.

It's a 7-Eleven guy.

Oh, okay.

7-Eleven guy, not a pizza guy.

Thank you, though.

Thank you.

Tired.

I didn't get enough sleep last night.

I have a five-hour energy here.

I'm going to shoot it in a second so I can energize.

Saturn, don't do that energy thing.

Stop talking.

Susan, 7-Eleven, Richard speaking.

Hey, Big Richard.

How are you?

I'm all right.

How are you?

I need some energy drinks.

do you have those little nips of energy drink you know what i'm talking about edge huh you said edge

nips i'm sorry nips you have nips there uh sure can you hang on one second let me go double check

all right boy how do you spell it nips n-i-p-s okay hang on one second all right boy very rude

of me to call him boy right welcome to this camera man actually i do remember the 7-eleven

now that i think about it it used to be a sitco and they became a 7-eleven if i remember correctly

It just amazes me.

I can see the beer cooler.

Can't buy a beer in Pennsylvania here at the gas station.

But you can all over Florida.

Anywhere you want to go, you can buy a beer.

You know, this drop cam quality is really good.

You know, I had to call him back.

Do-do-do-do.

Now the phone's busy.

I hung up, tried to call back, and he left it off the hook.

Shit.

Brilliant.

Well, we'll have to let him wait for a while then.

All right, I see the guy looking around.

The manager.

That was the manager we were talking to.

He's looking all over the aisles.

I think that's him.

unless that's a customer looks like he's a manager no his shirt's on top i don't think so

it's a black guy just walking around look at that guy awesome black guy in the store with a white

top very good union all right i'm gonna call him call this guy back see if he answers already

and tell him to ask that guy if his name is boy i'm sorry my phone disconnected richard did you

find that i sent my friend uh over there to look for it yeah i don't i don't i don't have that one

oh can you tell my is my friend his phone isn't ringing can you tell his name is boy

that's what that's his nickname can you can you see boys there right now he might still be there

i don't know his african-american guy he was wearing a white shirt he just left work he had

his name tag on still around oh no nobody didn't have like that there's no black guy there with

a white shirt on or nothing nah damn it wasn't wearing a white shirt i don't know yeah there's

nobody in here by that one can you ask can you just ask anyone if their name is boy there's no

one in here by that name say it damn it i wanted him to call him boy he's getting a hot dog i think

yeah man you know what's good at 7-eleven you know what's good at 7-eleven man milkman you go

to 7-eleven you get the cuban sandwich and then they grill it for you it's good man the cuban

sandwich yeah they have a cuban sandwich at 7-eleven and they grill it for you right there

They have like this hot grill press thing

And they offer to do it

Is that PA or is that

Florida right

That's in Florida but the one in PA also has them

So I'm guessing it's corporate wise

We don't have that shit here

Instead of having a grill we just got like

These little stupid ass like rollers

Like made out of metal and they just like

Roll and they put these like

Imitation like burrito things

Full of chicken and shit like that

I wouldn't touch that and weenies

like that, you know, just rolling and spinning

on the roller

we don't got no cool ass grill

here, sandwiches

they put go-go taquitos in there, yeah

I know, yeah, they have them

in all of them, then two, stupid

I'm afraid there's two things, I don't know

what they are, man, but there's just no telling

how long they've been there, you know, so

I've never had one, man

my remain says they don't have the Cuban

sandwich in 7-Eleven, that sucks, I guess

Maybe it's just Florida, then.

They're good, though.

Oh, my God.

They're so good, man.

I was going to say Florida.

I would expect that because Florida's cool.

I remember Publix always had good shit.

Their sandwiches, their chicken, they always had good shit.

Publix has the best subs in the world, dude.

Fuck you if you don't like Publix.

Publix is good, man.

The chicken's good, too, man.

That fucking chicken kind of reminds me.

The fried chicken is good.

They marinate it in celery salt brine before they fry it.

It's really good.

Well, it kind of reminds me of the churches, mostly.

Okay.

They got that thick.

Well, Nunu says this isn't Fat Milkman Food Show, so we have to keep going.

Tell Nunu to get some Geritol, man.

Here's, we have another camera for the dodgy duck.

Looks like it's, I don't know what a dodgy duck is, maybe a bar.

This is in Granada in the West Indies.

seen georgia's island give them a call west indies which island was it granada

hey how you doing boy good hey that's good my little chicken uh just go there and pet you on

the head like my little chicken for a while would that be okay sure okay you can sit on my lap and

i'll pet you and i say you're my good little chicken good little black chicken boy you're

You're black? Are you a black?

The question is, are you a black? Are you a black?

Yeah.

Hello, sorry, I didn't hear what you said.

Are you a black?

If I'm black?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, do you have a black there? Any blacks there?

Hold on a second, please.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

That song's about nooners, man.

This is taking too long.

I'm going to call back instead.

Yeah, hi.

I was looking to go in.

Is there a black boy that I could sit with for a little while?

I'm not hearing you clearly.

Is there a black boy I can sit with if I come there?

A black boy?

Yeah, to sit with me and I can pet him on the head and say,

you're my little chicken.

My little chicken, like that, you know?

Um, no.

Are you a black?

No.

Oh.

Oh, I thought this is a black country with black people.

Yes, it is.

Well, where are the blacks at?

They're probably home sleeping or something.

Oh, can I bring, maybe find a black in the streets?

No, no, no, no.

A black boy?

They're not allowed here?

Is this a white, whites only?

No, no, no.

What exactly are you looking for?

I'm looking to come in and have a good time with a nice young black boy, a strong stud with good teeth.

That is actually illegal in this country, eh?

What do you mean? To be with a black boy?

Yes, it is. Hold on a minute, please. Hold on a minute.

Oh, okay.

Oh, boy.

Thanks for holding.

Yeah, so what's illegal exactly? To talk to a black boy? I don't understand. Why?

That is illegal in this country.

Talking to black people?

No.

Oh, so what's illegal? To touch a black boy?

What exactly do you need that for?

Oh, just want to pet him in the head like an animal, you know, and be like, hi, little black boy.

Well, no.

People are not animals, so you don't refer to people as animals.

Well, people aren't, but black boys are.

They're not human.

No, they're not.

They're human just like you.

Since when?

Since God created them that way.

But you said that this is a whites-only place, establishment.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not a whites-only establishment.

I didn't say that.

You said that.

Do you have a whites-only section there?

No, we don't.

Okay.

We're not racial.

That's good.

Good. You shouldn't be racial, because I like to experience black boys and white boys, you know?

Well, you can find a country that does that, but this country, we don't do that. We're not racial.

What will they do if I touch a black boy and kiss him and things like that?

Probably lock you up.

But that's not a... God made me that way. I was born this way. That's it.

Okay, well, I appreciate that, but in this country, it's actually illegal.

Because I want her to come and spread the gay disease to all the black boys there and the AIDS and give all the young boys there, teach them about having sex together, the boys, kissing boys and holding hands and touching, you know.

What country are you from?

I'm from the United States.

Okay, okay.

Uh-huh.

And it's legal in the United States, so I'm bringing that here.

Well, that's the United States.

This is Grenada and it's different here.

This is a monkey country, you know.

That's who?

Well, that's what Wikipedia says when I look at it.

It says monkey country.

It says Granada is a monkey country.

That's Granada.

This is not Granada.

This is Grenada.

It's totally different.

This is Granada.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's totally different.

Now, can I touch a little black girl, you know, a black woman, and kiss her?

Can I kiss a black woman?

Why not?

Why can't I kiss a black woman?

Because I'm definitely sure if you do that, they probably might smack you in the face or something.

I dare you to try to do it.

I'll smack you back.

You're a woman.

Well, then, I'm also because...

You don't raise your hand to me.

Really?

Yeah, in America, any woman that raises her hand to a man will lock her up.

And that's America, okay?

That's America.

It's only in America, okay?

We throw away the key and lock her up,

and then we make her eat all this food and give her a toilet

and not give her any toilet paper because...

Okay, what part of America are you actually from?

Because that's ridiculous.

Virginia.

it's a commonwealth and they're allowed to do that lock you up virginia well only in virginia

uh virginia and hawaii also i'm actually enjoying the conversation excuse me hawaii also okay well

that's probably in that in those states okay that's just virginia in america okay do you have

a policy that i have to wear a t-shirt hold on a minute please thank you for holding hey sweetie

how are you can i talk to the guy that's there that i was talking to before he's currently

Probably unavailable at the moment.

Well, he was telling me that he wanted me to come in and touch and kiss him and touch his shoulders.

I think you're lying about that.

No, no. Is there still a slave market here?

No.

Is there a place where they bring the slaves from Africa and you have like an auction?

Slavery was abolished many thousands of years ago, so I'm pretty sure that there are no slaves existing in Grenada at the moment.

Not in Grenada. There's still slaves going around serving the white man.

Excuse me?

There's still, you know, slaves around in Grenada, right?

No.

They work in the fields making sugar cane and rum and banana.

They sing the banana books.

We are in the 21st century. That no longer exists.

Oh, I was confused then.

Then you need to read up on your history then.

Okay. All right.

Well, you maybe, do you have the history book there I can read?

No, I don't. I work with my friends.

I don't do history. I'm not a teacher.

Oh, no? Okay.

You sound very pretty, though.

You're smart and pretty.

Do you have nice teeth?

Probably not.

Would you want to work in the big house?

I'll bring you to Master's Big House, and I can put you to work to mend clothes and clean.

No, thank you.

You get the best clothes if you work in the big house.

You can be a house slave, a house Negro.

It's better than being a field Negro, you know?

Don't you agree?

It would be better to be a house Negro than a field Negro?

I like you.

That's why I'm giving you this opportunity.

You come to America to become an American citizen,

No, thank you.

No, I already have my human rights.

You know?

Uh-uh.

I like to put it in my own bed.

Thank you.

My friend Dedede, his real name is Steven.

He went to the Caribbean, and he found himself a saucy black woman.

And he's getting married.

He got married, and she's going to steal all his money.

She's Dominican, you know?

Well, lucky him.

Yeah, she's a lesbian.

Lucky him, good for her.

Okay, that's good.

All right, honey, sweetie.

All right.

Okay.

Okay, honey, baby.

Whatever.

Good deal.

Yo, seriously, the milkman, is the dead not talking to you anymore after he got married?

Milkman, shove it up your ass and don't talk.

Asshole.

Jill, tell her you have running water from a tap.

Nice.

We have electricity here.

This is good.

Well, I had no idea that was super illegal down there.

All right.

Sorry, guys.

I'm looking over the numbers here.

I don't know why I'm talking about a black boy penning him in the head, calling him

my little chicken.

I don't even know where that came from, my little chicken.

I know I have a prank call where I said that.

I told the guy in Russia that I wanted him to be my little chicken.

I seriously still don't know where the fuck that comes from.

My little chicken.

I remember now.

I think it's an offshoot.

There's a Jerky Boys prank call where the guy said he wanted to pet some guy like his

little turtle.

I think Johnny B said, I want you to pet you like you're my little turtle.

I think that's where I got it from.

The little chicken thing.

I think that's the super gay prank call by the Jerky Boys.

Maybe we'll play it later.

That's my guess anyway.

Anyway, man, low energy tonight.

Again, same thing last week.

Eden House Hotel.

Where there is a live view of the pool area machine.

This is in Key West, Florida.

Very gay friendly.

New Year's Eve, they drop a transvestite named Sushi.

The first time I saw that on CNN, the fucking shoe fell apart.

The tranny almost fucking died.

That was funny.

Oh, we lost Milkman, fucker.

it's calling back hey little chicken hi my little chicken how are you my little chick oh you hear

me finally i've been i was out there trying to talk to you and you couldn't hear me oh did they

get married is he not talking to you anymore because you told him he shouldn't get married

i went i actually answered you know i said that um first he said he was going to marry this

prostitute and i told you about he said next time he said he's going to marry some other chick

and then and then next time i hear from him then he said he married that prostitute she's got kids

and that he's going to live with her or some dumb shit.

And since then, I haven't heard nothing.

I haven't confirmed it, but I suspect he's stupid enough to went through with it.

So good luck.

Well, dude, I don't know if you looked at his Facebook, but according to his Facebook, he did.

He's married, and they're moving to Chicago or some shit.

There you go.

So like I said, don't be surprised.

Hey, I'm going to pick you up now, man, so I'll be back here in about 10 minutes.

I'll just be muted.

Okay.

All right, buddy.

See you later, buddy guy.

All right, N4.

Bye.

All right, that's Milkman.

Milkman, fucker, asshole.

Milkman, where are you?

Milkman, come back.

I'm trying to fuck with Milkman.

Yeah, so the dad, he did go through with it.

He got married with a...

I didn't know she was a prostitute.

I don't know that part of it.

I don't know if that's true.

I just know it was some Dominican girl that he met in St. Martine.

Jesus Christ, that kid.

All right, let's continue with the show.

We were calling Key West, and the milkman sidetracked us.

Phone to dad.

Hi, you've reached the Eden House.

For reservations or the front desk, zero.

If you know your party's extension, enter it now.

Our website is...

Please hold a moment.

Shut up.

Eden House, this is Fritzie.

How may I help you?

Hey, big guy.

How you doing, big guy?

Hey.

Who?

Hey, big guy.

How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

How are you?

Doing well.

Oh, good.

I wanted to see, do you have any black boys there?

Any black boys here?

Yeah, I wanted to pet, go to see a black boy, pet him on the head, call him my little chicken.

What are you talking about?

No, just, is this a whites-only establishment, or do you let little black boys in there?

Are you bored tonight?

No, no, I'm just, I'm traveling. I was curious before I came by.

Oh.

I'm in Homestead right now.

Oh, okay. We have the same things they have in Homestead. We have the same thing here.

Well, this is a different country, right?

Why would it be a different country?

Someone told me that it was the Conk Republic or something, that it was a different country?

It was, but now it isn't. Part of Florida.

Is it? Oh, all right. So you still let little black boys and girls come in?

We have whatever Homestead has is what we have.

There aren't many black boys and girls here.

There's not many, which means that that implies that there's some.

There's Hispanics everywhere, and I started talking to this little black boy, and he started talking Spanish to me.

Oh, okay.

That sounds like a heck of a night.

Okay, do you send up black boys to the rooms if I have reservation?

Yeah, we do them just like Homestead does.

Do you have little black boys you can send to the room for me?

Anything you want.

To warm my bed?

Okay.

Do they have any bed warming skills, you know?

I don't know.

You can ask them when you get here.

Are you a girl or a boy?

I'm both.

What do you mean?

You're a transvestite or a trans...

Are you post-op or pre-op?

Both.

That doesn't make any sense.

You can't be post-op and pre-op.

Neither does this conversation, but we're having it.

You're a stupid, filthy woman.

Thank you.

You monkey.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Anything else?

No.

Oh, yeah, one thing.

You lovely person?

One thing.

I farted on the phone.

Oh, okay.

Great.

Smell it.

You smell it?

Oh, yeah.

It smells awesome, actually.

Yeah, you like?

Oh, yeah.

Anything else?

It smells good.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

You must be bored.

Have a good night.

Bye.

Stupid.

Those Key West people are so stuck up.

you go down there and you go to those fucking places they're so stuck up fucking key west full

of that all of them and they're all got attitude down in key west miami too are there native

floridians yes there are native floridians uk 10 they're called crackers i'm not kidding you

they are called crackers nuni reminding me to play audio the turkish horse that's right because

our good friend gunay gunay gunay is in there and he is turkish or he knows turkish at least he

He knows Turk.

He would understand those curses that the horse left for us a few weeks ago.

All right, Gane, turn up your headphones or your speakers.

We're going to play one of those right now.

And you can translate that.

Send it to me in an IM, in a private message, because I'm curious.

Also, on my Facebook page, I forget who it was.

Someone posted pics, apparently, of Faizan and the Turkish horse that they took yesterday.

day. They were apparently at the Turkish kitchen eating, and they took secret spy pics of both of

them. I don't know if that's correct, if that really was who we think it is, but that's what

I'm led to believe. That sounds cool. Where can we find this? I'm sorry, I'm looking for those

voicemails i don't remember how long ago it was shit uh ron no maybe this is it here's one

sound like he said neil anderson i think that's what he said i heard a part where he said neil

anderson maybe he thinks i'm neil anderson that's funny gune says i'll make you pay for it all right

well thanks for not helping and stupid i heard him say hi one i heard that part all right

right translator or not good name let me know if you're if you're just pulling my cock oh that's

what he was saying okay i'm sorry he said son of a bitch i thought good name was talking to me

son of a bitch where are you wake up i'll put it in your mouth i'll make you pay for it

i'm going to fuck your parents graveyard what yes animal all right yes animal yes i'm going

I'm going to fuck your parents' graveyard.

Wow, big time.

I'm going to fuck your parents graveyard

graveyard oh god all right now i want to call a turkish horse and tell him that shit hang on

let's see if i can find them fuck your parents graveyard turkish kitchen in berkeley let's find

them shit so they got a new website holy shit berkeley i just gotta get a area code five one

out here we go cool ganae glad ganae is cracking up at it he thinks they're funny i got more of

them i got another one i'll play it in a little bit ganae it's great girl holy shit what a mind

fuck yes i'm gonna fuck your parents graveyard excuse me i'm gonna fuck your parents graveyard

that's all they just hang right up nowadays it's stupid it's a stupid thing they don't want to

fuck around i know they have a different location here maybe you can call that other place look at

their contact page aha here's your alternate location i'm gonna ask them about this guy

we also have the home phone number uh dialer our good friend from the ghillie prank uh ghillie

Cast Prank Machine Party Nation sent in the details once again for the Turkish horse's home.

Excuse me.

That is no longer in service.

Please check the number and try again.

Well, so much for that.

Guess we won't be calling that location.

Maybe a close, son of a bitch.

Here's a number from Dialer.

The Turkish horse, a.k.a. his name is Mazlum Kanguzel.

I remember now.

We're just calling him Kanguzel.

Hello? Is this Mr. Kangoozle?

Hey, how you doing? I'm going to fuck your grandfather's grave.

I'm going to fuck it.

I'm going to dig a hole on top of his grave and fuck it.

You dog.

Yeah.

I went to your restaurant last night. I saw you.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Will you speak English?

Uh-huh. What else?

I'm having this all, you know, translated.

No, fuck your mom.

I'll put it in your mouth.

I'll make you pay for it.

I'll put it in your mouth.

I'll make you pay.

Fuck your kids.

I put it in your mouth and fuck your kids.

Stupid.

Uh-huh.

Horse.

Are you done?

Why don't you be a man and talk English?

Be a man and talk English.

I can understand that.

Suck my dick.

It's English, motherfucker.

I fuck Faizan.

Faizan?

Faizan is sexy.

Okay, man, you sound really angry.

You sound very angry.

Hello, is this a Greek restaurant?

I have a Turk on the line.

He's angry at you.

I have a Turk on the line.

He's angry at you.

Oh, I hear monkey noises.

What are you saying?

Mega, mega, mega, ma.

You're such a monkey

You're such a

You're a stupid monkey

That's what you are

You're a stupid

Uh-huh.

What up?

Come on, man.

Just stay with me.

Come on.

Did you have a lot to say?

You have a lot to say?

You have a lot?

A lot of anger.

He's on mute right now.

I'm just trying to connect him with another Turkish restaurant.

Yeah, they're going to keep him.

My Turkish friend is going to kick your ass.

I don't know if I'm still okay.

Gibson, man.

Hello.

Yeah, how are you?

Gibson.

Hey, Gibson.

What?

What happened?

Hello, sir.

Hello.

Hello, sir.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Cross.

How are you?

This is who?

Cross.

My name is Cross.

What are you calling, man?

Well, I was just calling to make an order.

Can I make an order?

Hello?

He's playing music now.

This guy's lost his mind.

Monkey.

Can you hear me?

Hey, Milkman.

I'm driving.

Don't say it out loud

Okay

He called back and started

He's playing Turkish music now

What the fuck is wrong with this guy

Did you read the message

No I didn't what message where

Read the message fag hurry up

Where asshole don't call me a fag what's your problem

Show some respect

Jesus Christ hang on

I'll fucking with you man I'm sorry

Hang on he's calling again

Man I'm driving goodbye there

Quiet.

I'm going to drive by.

and let's see if I can see.

Hello.

Hey.

Hey, monkey.

How are you?

You're harassing me?

Why are you harassing me?

Why are you calling me to harass me?

Why?

Godless motherfucker?

That's it.

Hello?

Ali Bablas?

What are you calling, man?

Oh, no, that's my friend.

He said he wanted me to call and talk about leaving you some kind of message.

I don't know.

What's he saying?

What happened?

You know what?

What?

Your brother is mean.

You know, you're an asshole.

That's what.

Why did you get this number, you son of a bitch?

Oh, my friend gave it to me.

He said to call and make an order for food.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Okay.

You're just a new brother.

No, you fuck yourself.

That's not...

Don't say those things.

Don't say those things to me.

That's not necessary.

Hello?

What's up, man?

What's up with my brother?

He's looking at me.

What's up with my brother?

Huh?

Hello, Alibaba's.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Hey.

Suck my dick.

Kiss me.

Why can't you speak?

Is it not cool with my dick, motherfucker?

No, no.

I'm not going to speak to you, son of a bitch.

Hey!

I'm going to talk to you, son of a bitch, and I'm going to catch you, son of a bitch.

You don't know me, do you?

No, it's been four days.

When we talk, you'll see.

All right, you're boring me.

Bye.

I'm going to talk to you, son of a bitch, and I'm going to catch you, son of a bitch.

All right, shut up.

You're boring me now.

I'm trying to connect to another Turkish restaurant.

What?

Is that him, dude?

I'm about ready to drive up by the front of the restaurant and see if I can see anybody in the window, dude.

What's the address on Shattuck, man?

I'm right, I think I'm right, I think I'm in front.

Let me look, it's, uh, 1986.

That was a good year.

Hello, monkey.

Son, did you finish your drink?

Did you finish your drink?

Did you eat your food?

Did you finish your drink?

Then you shut it down.

Why don't you, you don't have to hang up.

You can just, you know, keep talking.

I'll talk to you.

All right, yeah.

All right, I put them on hold.

I keep trying to connect them.

Yay, stupid.

I keep trying to connect them to another Turkish.

Calling Brita.

How can I help you?

Yes, are you Turkish?

I'm dying.

Are you a Turkish?

Yes.

No, I'm not Turkish.

You want to speak to a Turkish woman?

Yes, please.

It's important.

Okay.

Hey, asshole.

Okay.

Would you like to order, sir?

I don't mind about it.

I can't say what you're talking about exactly.

Yes, who are you?

Who are you?

Where did you find this ugly boy?

Who are you?

Hello?

Hello, don't fuck me up now.

Where did you come from?

Where did you find this son of a bitch?

Sir, am I right?

I'm going to ask the gentleman.

Who is this son of a bitch?

Who are you?

I'm just working here.

What do you need?

How do you need me?

Where are you working?

Tell me where you're working.

Who are you?

Tell me what kind of person you are.

Sir, where did you call me?

I couldn't find you anywhere. I called your son. He called me.

Who are you? Where did you come from? Where do you work?

This is a restaurant, sir. I work in a restaurant here. Unfortunately, I don't know who called you from here.

Where are you from? In which city are you?

San Francisco.

Who was that woman on the phone just now?

She was a foreign friend of ours. She spoke English with you.

If you have any questions...

I'll fuck her mother's sister.

Give me her name.

I'll find her and fuck her grave.

Tell that Russian kid not to look for these places again.

Okay? I'll fuck you too.

And then I'll fuck you too.

Don't take me out of religion and faith.

Who are you? Why are you talking like this?

She's done.

She left.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't say those...

Come on, Inga, how can I help you?

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you, what?

Can you put that Turkish lady on, please?

The Turkish lady is busy right now.

She can't talk to you.

I can help you if you had a problem.

What's wrong?

Her cousins...

He's very upset at her.

It's important that they talk.

He's upset at her.

He doesn't even know her.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, his wife is having sex with her, and he's real upset.

See?

Okay.

Mr. Horse, are you there?

Horse.

I think Horse left.

Horse.

All right, Horse left.

I don't know if that was funny or not.

It was when I finally got someone to talk to her.

Apparently, Gunai was reporting that she was just saying, I'm just a worker here.

I just work in the restaurant.

And he was saying that we keep calling to tell us to stop calling, to stop fucking with him.

Then they got into an argument.

Dude, I'm right out front, man.

I think I see him.

I think I may see him.

Does he look angry?

I can't tell, dude.

He looks like, yeah, yeah, okay, I see him.

I see him.

Oh, my God, I see him.

Take his picture.

Can you take his picture?

sure i i took a picture of the restaurant but he just walked by he's an old fucker dude he kind of

looks like onassis that's what he looks like i swear to god man i just saw him oh yeah yeah there's

yeah okay okay i can't get a picture dude clear i'm gonna try as fuck it's him man i know it is

man yell horse yell horse out the window no no i'm across the street so i can see in i'll open

the window and yell horse horse don't don't do that he's gonna kill you the window's open dude

dude, but I'm not going to fucking

stick my head in there, motherfucker.

He's fucking pissed.

Yeah, you guys, you had to be in the chat room

to catch that. We had the translator nurse

in there telling us everything as it was going down.

Now Milkman is there watching

as this goes down. This is hilarious.

Very funny.

I gotta take a piss.

It's too funny.

God.

Oh, shit. Okay.

Good times. Oh, this is Madhouse Radio

where Milkman

is out there.

Be careful, Milkman.

Seriously, Milkman, don't get yourself in trouble, all right?

No, Milkman's on mute.

Look, I got to pee.

Guys, I'll be right back.

I'm going to take a pee-pee real quick.

Listen to this prank call.

Be right back.

We'll continue a more show.

Now I'm energized.

Now I'm excited.

This is fun.

But listen, tell me, how long after I eat the food, the rice,

how long until it becomes feces and I have to use the bathroom to push it out?

I don't know.

How long do you eat the rice?

How long?

Oh, we can make it, and in just 15 minutes, you can pick it up.

Yeah, but after I eat the rice, when do I have to go to the bathroom?

But it's everybody different, right?

That is how I know.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

How long for you?

Excuse me?

Do you use the bathroom every morning?

Excuse me?

You want to just order?

This is a business point, okay?

I know.

I want to make an order, but I need to know when I have to use the bathroom.

Yeah, but if you don't want kimchi fried rice, you want to order different, okay?

But I want to get the rice that doesn't...

I have to use the bathroom very fast because I have to use the plane, airplane.

I don't know. Everybody depends, right?

I know, but is there...

Yeah, everybody depends. That's why I cannot talk to you, make sure kind.

Everybody different.

All right, but what about you? Like, which one would you eat?

No, I'm the Korean. That's why I'm in there every time.

Kimchi is so used. That's why I'm in there.

I'm not sure. I cannot talk to you.

maybe 12 hours after you eat rice do you go to the bathroom later excuse me that is and then i

don't know you gotta talking to doctor i don't know either i don't know listen yeah that's why

excuse me this is a business telephone okay listen help help me i ate pizza last week and i still

haven't gone to the bathroom i don't know you want to talking to somebody i'm either working

right now excuse me i'm sorry just a moment you want to talking to somebody too can i kiss you

Okay, hold it.

Bye.

I was on the phone.

I was fighting and I said I'd change it for you.

If you eat this rice, it'll be cheap in a few days.

What do you mean?

How much is your poop cheap?

Hello?

Hi.

Hello?

Yes, I'm asking how soon after I eat the Chinese fried rice until I have to go to the bathroom.

Excuse me, this is not Chinese.

Kimchi fried rice is Korean style?

Yeah, Korean kimchi fried rice.

So we cannot tell you after you eat how long you want to go bathroom.

So what kind of question is that?

Everybody different, yeah?

But kimchi is different, though.

And you're Korean.

I thought maybe you know.

Yeah, kimchi is different.

But, you know, like everybody different, right?

It doesn't matter what you eat.

You can go right away.

Some people, you know, you don't even go.

So, you know, you're not supposed to ask him that kind of question.

That's ridiculous.

I don't think that's the right question that you ask people.

I'm just, I'm worried that it's going to take me a long time.

Pardon me?

I'm worried that it's going to take me a long time to go to the bathroom after I eat the rice.

I don't want that to happen, okay?

Yeah, but this is the first time, you know, like a ridiculous question like this,

and you want to order for the food, so how long after I ate you go to the bathroom?

So if you worry that, you know, you worry that much, just don't order then.

Listen, do you eat the rice there or no?

I eat the rice.

And how long does it take you?

Excuse me, I guess you're asking wrong question, you know?

You better not order food, okay?

Thank you very much.

You hear how sick I was when we did that call.

I had a cold, I remember.

You can hear it in my voice all nasally.

Good evening, everybody.

We're back for more Madhouse Radio.

I am Carlito, the host of The Machine.

Milkman was with us, but I think Skype just took a crap.

But Milkman was with us here a moment ago.

He just dropped out completely.

Let me try to call him back.

He was on site of that last prank call.

Well, not that it was a prank call.

It was our friend, the Turkish horse, calling in very upset.

Very, very angry upset.

I was able to connect him to another Turkish restaurant.

Finally was able to get him connected to another Turkish restaurant

where they went back and forth for a while.

Our Turkish friend, Gunay, said it was epic.

Gunay said it was great on his end.

I don't know.

Problem being is, you know, not really understandable.

understandable maybe we can put that on video with the translation uh text you know closed

caption translation might be better that way but there we go turkish everybody the turkish horse

entertaining us once again super nice guy right don't you love that guy all right moving right

along i wanted to call zolar machine i usually don't like just calling people out of the blue

on skype but i got a chance here i hope he's not doing a show let me see hopefully i'm not bothering

i wanted to ask him if he really had someone crucified last week because if so i want to

catch that video zolar hey man what's going on hey man i'm doing a show but i wanted to catch

you real quick did you really have someone crucified last week uh last sunday on easter

did that go down yes i did yeah seriously how'd that go did it go well well yeah it went uh

swimmingly swimmingly okay all right is it on is there a video of that on battle cam that i can

catch i don't know uh uh hey um fucking my guy i gotta go on a three-way here dude is there any

video that he could look at i don't get it uh and i'll find something we'll send you a link in this

chat room cool all right zola i gotta go back to my show i just want to hit you up everyone visit

uh zolarvision.com check out our good friend zola i love you man take it easy bro yeah thanks for

the inquiry yeah god bless you man that's zola everybody see he did have someone crucified i

have to check that out all right let's continue with the show then this is some more prank calls

guys here's a hotel in russia let's give russia a call russia maybe i'll do another chicken prank

call since that seems to be the only idea i can come up with that and turkish people cursing me

out uh seriously milkman dropping out completely i really hope he's not being castrated by the

turkish horse right now let me call milkman on his phone instead man can you hear me yeah you

you okay dude i think you need to call him back can you can you see wait a minute wait a minute

wait a minute wait a minute hold on dude i think you need to call him back man because he was

standing up here but i'm but now i can't see him again man all right well he called me last so oh

he went i haven't seen him for a few minutes man i had this i've made a movie man it crashed my

fucking phone okay okay yeah so i'm trying to show you video live here from the sky piss but

but it's not fucking doing it.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Can you see?

Yeah, I see your video.

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

What happened?

The viewers can't see you.

Yeah, can't get any closer, man, in Skype.

That right there is the Turkish kitchen right there.

See it?

Okay, I see it.

I see it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Right there.

Right over here.

All right.

So I should call him back?

He's back there?

I don't know.

All right, let me try to call him back then.

Hang on.

Okay, if you call him again here.

Okay, I'm going to turn the video off,

and then I'm going to try and get a picture of him if he comes out in front of me.

He was standing there like fucking Onassis, man,

his arms spread out on the counter like, man, he was fucking on the counter down.

He looked pissed.

He was pissed.

Let me see if I can get him to talk.

He looked pissed.

Well, our translator left.

Our translator left, so, I mean, if I can get him to talk English and it's working.

Well, I mean, what am I doing all night?

I just want to see if I can get a video of him.

Okay.

So I'm going to mute.

Thank you for calling Circus Kitchen.

For a takeout order, please leave your name and number

and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

He's not answering, Milkman.

I'll call again.

It's busy.

Dude, they're there, man.

They must have took the phone off the hook.

Okay.

No, no, no.

Well, I mean, because I just called the answer machine picked up.

That's why.

Let me try it again.

Okay.

Well, there ain't nobody on the phone standing around.

It usually goes to a fax machine here probably.

See, told you.

That second ring, whenever we call him, the first one voicemails, second one goes to fax

every time.

Maybe he'll call back, dude.

I don't know.

We've got his home number.

If you see him leave, then I can call him.

Are you going to hang out there or are you going to leave?

No, I'm just going to, about five more minutes.

Dude, I've already figured it out.

I could do this.

If I had a real camera, I could stand here, like, look like a vagrant, stand back here in the shadow,

and film the whole fucking thing from across the street.

The windows are perfect for this.

If I could just see back behind the curtain, we'd have him right now.

Nice, nice.

Well, you are a vagrant, Milkman, just about, so don't worry about it, okay?

Well, dude, I told you, I'm qualified, man.

That's what I said, man, on the streets.

Dude, what are you talking about?

Nature boy.

hi is this really like sexy russian girl hello don't go oh shit whoops whoops she didn't like

that one i got a boogie in my nose and i can't pick it because i'm on video it sucks there you

go all right damn it where's he at he's not gonna come out oh fuck you're getting less and less

people there's still a whole big party sitting back here in the corner right right well if you

see him leave let me know then i know he's leaving he's going home and i'll give him a call at home

Yeah, I'm just, like, gonna hang there a minute.

I don't think I'm gonna get him.

There's this little fucking midget-looking dude walking around here,

like a miniature head and big shoulders.

Hello?

I don't know what the fuck that is.

Looks like little Igor.

All right, quiet.

Yeah, how you doing?

Hello?

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Did I talk to you before?

I said something bad and you hung up.

Was that you?

you something bad yeah i said a bad thing i'm sorry i'm sorry i can't get you nothing is wrong

everything's fine thank you no you my friend we're friends you have pretty uh pretty girls

there that work that can come to my room i'm sorry do you have a pretty girl that can come

to my room there and i can play chicken with her sorry i can't get you i want to have a room there

i want to make a reservation you understand yeah which date oh for tomorrow but you have to send

a pretty girl that works there.

I want her to come by into my room.

I'm sorry to have such a service.

Do you know anyone who can provide

a nice, sexy little girl?

I'm sorry. Do you have any pretty boys?

I can help you. Do you have any boys?

Pretty boys there? We don't have.

No? Okay, so you have no boys,

no girls? No.

Do you look pretty? Are you a pretty girl

yourself?

You want a room?

No, I want a pretty girl, pretty Russian girl, you know?

All right.

I want to touch and kiss you, look at your beautiful hair and smell it.

I'm sorry, would you like to reserve a room or not?

I want to reserve a girl, a girlfriend, a new girlfriend.

friend sorry we don't have such a service come on does anyone you know the secret guy you know

the guy that provides that um sorry do you hear me no i mean yes okay neither them all right bye

go to hell fuck that i don't want to mess with that russians i've had one good russian prank

call in the history of the show and the rest of them are all the women are all cunty you know

what i mean there was one guy that was funny once the chicken the original chicken guy was funny

uh here's gilligan's backpackers in australia let's give them a call sometimes australians

get angry. Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes they're not.

Welcome to Gilligan's. Press 1 for all

accommodation inquiries. Press 2

for bars, nightclubs, events, and

gaming. Bars. Press 3 for

the tour desk. Press 4 for account

Rusty's Market and deliveries.

I'm pressing it. Press 5 for all inquiries

and reception. Let me call back

because it's not accepting my button presses.

Welcome to Gilligan's.

Please press 1 for all accommodation

inquiries. Press 2 for bars,

Oh, my God.

Let's just hold.

Hopefully, it'll transfer me automatically.

Yeah, how you doing, buddy?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Oh, good, yeah.

I wanted to make a reservation.

Sure, when for, mate?

Oh, for tomorrow.

So, what day do you want to arrive?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? No worries.

And how long are you looking to stay for?

Well, I just need a few hours.

I wanted to come and have a nice young boy, you know,

I could pet his head a little bit, touch him on the head,

and call him my nice little chicken.

God damn it.

Not working out, guys.

Not good at all, folks.

Not good at all.

Hang on, I've got to stretch.

What do these people have against chicken?

I don't understand it.

What do they have against petting boys in the head?

What's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Well, I mean, you know, as soon as you mention chicken, that's it, man.

I mean, we lose them after that.

What is it?

What is it with chicken, man?

Chicken's good.

it's a good meat you know it's uh i know man it should be turn them off should be exciting them

man it's a nice lean meat you know you got your dark meat your white meat milkman healthy food

hell yeah now fish is better for you has better omega-3s fish is one of the best oh yeah

hello yeah this is david yes how are you good evening i wanted to give you a call see how you

you were doing yeah i wanted to oh who is it oh i'm in my car i'm in a taxi i'm coming over

yeah i'm coming over and i wanted you to make me a breakfast you know some porridge do we porridge

no my name is cross i wanted to come by you make me porridge and then i want to lay in the bed with

you and i'll pet you in the head and tell you you're my little my pretty little chicken you

You know? And you can make chicken

noises. Milkman, what happened? You almost got

in a car accident? You're not paying attention in the road?

Hmm? No, I'm here, man.

I was just adding some sound effects there, man.

I was going through this big-ass tunnel, man.

Yeah, right. You almost got yourself killed.

I was! You almost got yourself killed. I can do it again, but

there's no tunnel, man, so...

Welcome to the sky, voicemail of

0-1-3.

Pay attention to your driving, Milkman.

Dude, I'm driving on a middle-fucking-night

honking in the neighborhood. Welcome to the sky,

voicemail of 0-

Open the window and yell rape.

Rape.

Charlie, I was getting raped.

Open the window and yell that.

This is a fucking ritzy ass neighborhood.

I'm going to fucking keep moving.

Shit, I got to watch out, man.

This is a rich ass neighborhood.

Come on, open the window and yell shit.

Say that you're Dan Rather and you're being raped.

Yell that.

My name is Nunu Dan Rather.

I just took it to the backside.

Hey, good morning. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. Who are you?

Oh, this is Cross.

Were you going to warm up some porridge for me?

I'm going to be there in a little bit.

Who?

Were you going to warm up some porridge for me?

I'm going to be there.

Who are you?

Who are you, please?

I'm Bill Cross.

Yes, and I'm...

I'm a friend of David's.

I don't think you are, actually.

But let me just put you through to him.

Oh, he said that I was going to come by and I was going to pet him on the head like my little chicken, you know?

Hey, David, it's Bill.

How are you?

Bill who?

Bill Cross.

I was wondering, is the porridge, are you guys warming up the porridge for me?

I'm going to come by and have some porridge, and then we're going to lay down in the bed together,

and I'll pet you on the head a little bit and tell you you're my little chicken, you know?

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the hotel.

Which hotel?

The Consulate Hotel in Eastbourne.

I don't know who you are or what you're talking about.

I have a taxi on the way.

He's going to honk his horn when he's here to pick me up, and I'm going to come by,

and you're going to make me some nice warm porridge, and I'm going to bring some orange juice,

and we're going to drink orange juice and eat porridge

and then we're going to lay down together in our knickers

and I'm going to pet you on the head while your wife watches

and call you my little chicken.

Say, little chicken baby, like that to you.

Call you little chicken baby, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee.

Please don't call me again.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Like that.

Please don't call again.

Your taxi's here, sir.

There's my ride.

welcome to voicemail oh god music oh this is ridiculous here it is another mobile episode man

remember i was doing this in la and i was driving around

careful with that let's do another porridge chicken call right we're always somewhere

here's another porridge chicken call for you guys

hey yes i was calling for david he told me to call i'm gonna come over for some breakfast

some porridge david invited me over for breakfast today to have porridge and orange juice i think

you've got the wrong number no david told me to call and said to make reservations yeah david did

i don't think so yeah he did you can put him online but he said that i was supposed to come

Come over, and we're going to have porridge, and then we're going to pork his wife.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, can I have the ass or the mouth?

Which part do I get?

The top.

No, no piss on.

Okay.

What, you're taking the bum, mate?

Yeah, do you have a big fanny?

How big is your fanny?

Oh, my God.

You lost her, dude.

What?

Maybe she feels guilty, dude, because you've seen right through the phone

and seen her big-ass, droopy fanny.

That's another 70s term, fanny.

My fanny.

There's the U.K. version, and there's the U.S. version.

That's right.

There's two different connotations to that.

They're completely opposite sides of the body, yeah.

U.K., the fanny's in the front.

That was U.K. Ted's mother, says Crazy.

Welcome to Guy's voicemail 1571.

That sounded different for a change.

Yes, hey, David, I was hoping you'd answer the phone.

Who the fuck are you?

Oh, this is Mr. Cross.

How are you?

Good evening.

I have pet chickens in my bathroom, and I like to get really drunk,

and I walk in there, and I piss on the chickens to teach them a lesson.

Do you realize this is the police you're phoning?

Oh, yeah?

What's your badge number?

You're being traced at the moment.

No, I don't give you permission to trace.

You're being traced.

No, don't do it.

I command you not to do it.

I order you.

So you're phoning me one more time?

Yeah, shut up.

Jesus.

Will you stop fucking phoning me?

You said the call one more time.

What happened?

Will you stop fucking phoning me?

I'm going to try.

I can't guarantee it, though.

I have Tourette's.

Will you stop fucking phoning me?

Where are you phoning from?

I'm calling from Chicago, Illinois.

Yeah.

Will you stop phoning?

I want to pet you in the head like my little chicken.

Stop phoning me.

Will you be my little chicken?

Stop phoning me.

I'm going to try.

I can't guarantee it, but I'll try, okay?

I like this guy, man.

He's a jolly old soul.

Hello?

Listen, I told you I couldn't guarantee it.

I'm sorry. I don't have control.

I heard him yell when he picked it up.

It slipped. Really, it slipped. Oops.

I heard him go,

when he picked it up.

Oh, boy. That was pretty good.

Should save that one there.

You know who we should call?

Well, I don't remember who it was, name-wise, but there was a guy we called twice in a week

in the UK who was really old, and he had nurses that came over, and I kept telling him that

he was harassing the nurses.

I don't know if you remember that one, Milkman.

I think you were sleeping for one of those episodes.

I'm not sure if I remember it or not.

I thought, oh, that was the one about nooners.

That's right.

That was nooners.

No, no, no.

It's old news.

Nooners nurses.

Yeah, that was the episode, nooners nurses.

Yeah, dude.

That was a good one, man.

I told him he was getting naked.

You still got it?

I told him he was getting naked in front of the nurses, and he's like, of course I'm naked.

They have to bathe me and wash me and give me breakfast.

He was, like, almost crying, like, I'm sorry.

I told him, oh, the nurse said you got naked, and you're enjoying it, I think, something like that.

He's like, I'm sorry.

He didn't like the way he looked at her funny.

Hello.

Hey, my little chicken.

How are you?

I think you have the wrong number.

No, I'm looking for David Sparrow.

Wrong number.

David Smith.

What do you want him for?

Well, my name is Mr. Frost, and he told me to call because I'm going to come over for porridge this morning for breakfast.

He invited me over.

Do you know the time it is here?

Well, yeah.

Where are you ringing?

Well, I'm on my way to work.

I'm going to get picked up here at the hotel.

I met him recently, and he said to come over, and I could meet his wife, and we were going to have porridge and orange juice.

I'm waiting for the taxi.

He's going to come pick me up.

He's going to honk his horn when he gets here.

Pick me up.

Hello?

That's very rude of her to hang up like that.

Hello?

Milkman, mute your shit.

Hello?

Milkman?

Hello?

Yeah.

Mute your mic.

Yes.

I thought it was muted.

No, no.

Hello, David?

All right.

Miss David?

She's not answering.

Let's call the last guy back then.

The guy who told us to fucking not call a fucking cunt.

The police guy.

Here he is.

hello hey how are you sir hello is it david is it david no oh well i'm looking for david he's

this handsome man that invited me over to have porridge tonight i have porridge and orange juice

and then we're gonna i think you have the wrong number are you a woman man that's not the right

david i think that's all they keep saying tonight i know what's got my nose going i got the window

I got the window open and there's a lot of pollen outside, you know?

There's a lot of pollen outside and I got the window open.

It's making my nose.

I got boogers in my nose.

It's not boogers, you know?

I was in the middle of explaining that.

Yeah, I think that's what it is.

Because I just got an alert on my iPad here that says high pollen count in my city.

So that would make sense.

But I always have to keep the window open because my wife will bitch at me for smoking a cigar with the windows closed.

Plus the cat's in here with me.

He loves hanging out with me during the show.

He's my buddy.

How you doing there, buddy?

Who's this?

Oh, this is Mr. Frost.

I'm sorry, are you still upset at me for calling you?

Not funny, yeah?

If you don't leave us alone,

the police is getting involved.

Kick your...

So you're going to call the police and then kick my ass

and I'll get you in trouble for touching me

and you put a hand on my person.

Have you got fucking problems or something?

I order you not to touch me on the person, private person.

Will you just fucking stop phoning?

Okay, well just answer my question about breakfast then.

They're the fucking McDonald's.

No, no.

I don't like that food.

I want porridge.

McDonald's.

You want to roll it all with cheese, damn it.

Just leave the fucking phone alone.

Listen, how long do I have to boil the porridge for until I can eat it?

Just tell me.

Oh, go on off, God.

He's a rather unhappy gay.

He does not want to deal with it at all.

Poor guy.

All right, here's David Sparrow,

who I accidentally referred to on a previous call.

This is the correct David Sparrow.

Just a moment, ladies and gents.

Big Fat Ken's calling in.

Hey, Ken!

Hey!

Fuck yeah.

Well, hello.

Is that David Sparrow?

Yeah.

Yeah, you invited me to see your family.

I was going to come over and have porridge and orange juice.

Who's that, Johnny?

Yeah, Johnny.

Hey, I wanted to come over in a little bit.

We're going to have some orange juice.

I'm going to bring orange juice, and you're going to make me some porridge, you know?

Yeah, you make the porridge, and I make the orange juice.

No, no, I've been smoking marijuana.

Yeah.

Did you want to smoke some reefers, some drugs?

Okay, well, I already did.

Listen, can I come over?

My head is spinning.

I've been smoking marijuana cigarettes.

Yeah, I got into a fight,

and this guy punched me in the eye

and he cut my face with a box cutter.

I fought him off.

I touched his penis and I started jerking it off

and he left me alone.

Listen, David, let me come over

and then we'll have porridge and orange juice

and then we'll take our pants off

and we'll sit together and we'll masturbate

and watch each other.

I think you better get your head showered out, boy.

Can I just see your penis for a little bit?

Oh, man.

He's not very cooperative.

house johnny's gonna be upset call him back hello he hung up he doesn't want to talk to me anymore

hey carly do we see uk ted's in the fucking house yeah uk ted's here yeah i saw that uk ted you want

to call in he's he was idling he was not idling but he was in the chat room all afternoon today

all day like were you sitting there about uh the time you went on he's like is he live make him

fucking say people's names in the chest so we know he's live i was like dude the video says

That's fucking live.

I was like, come on now.

So it's live.

If the video's streaming, you know it's live.

If it says live on the YouTube thing, we're definitely live, sir.

Yeah, UK Ted, if you want to join in, get your mic.

We haven't talked to you in a while.

I understand it's your night off.

You had a weekend off from shooting guns and killing people and flying helicopters into buildings.

Raping people also.

Yeah, there you go.

Going into villages and shooting the women and raping the retarded girls.

Richard Diplock.

I also sent you a bunch of requests to bring.

That should be good.

Good, good, good.

Hey, you know what we can do?

Let me call the Turkish horse's house.

Let's see if he's at home yet.

He's a cool guy.

I really like the fact that we got to get a translation on that.

I was fucking busting up when you connected that lady to him.

I was like, he is chewing her ass out.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Nope.

He ain't there yet, or if he is, he isn't answering.

But when he gets home and looks at the caller ID, he'll probably call again and be angry.

yeah anyway uh what were we doing here we're calling the uk was it yep cool actually let

me do some of your requested pranks there was one that i was looking at and i wasn't even

going to send it to you i'm like uh babysitter boring boring boring you made a way down we

offered the uh let's get it on package i'm like what the let's get it on watch your kids for two

days overnight and i'm like we could have some fun with the let's get it on package in your

your fucking head holy shit um i'm looking for a request of pranks let me see here you sent them

earlier tonight yeah you did uh yeah it was probably five o'clock ish yeah okay uh here's

the first one i see ryan and the boys three other guys looking for a fifth guy to join their weird

little arrangement uh-huh for 470 you can share the master bedroom with one of them nice here we

go let's do it carlito am i too loud or sound okay to me someone was bitching in the chat i was just

on the fuck off then yeah i'll bring it down a little bit on my end it might be on my end

i've been trying to fine-tune the uh audio levels for a few weeks now so it could be my fault we

lost the manhouse stream hang on let me kick it again hello yeah how you doing there you have some

kind of arrangement you're trying to get figured out here what kind of arrangement oh living

arrangement you have uh one bedroom yeah all right so uh what where would i be staying at exactly how

How would that work out?

You'd be staying in the master bedroom with De Niro.

He's 20.

He's an art center student.

Yeah?

Is he handsome?

I would say yes, but I'm not attracted to men, so that would be up for debate.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I could probably figure that out when I see him.

That's cool.

And it's the master bedroom that I'd be sharing with him?

Correct.

All right.

Right. And how many beds? Do I bring my own bed? Do I share the bed?

You will bring your own bed, ideally.

We have a mattress in the garage that's up for dibs, but yeah.

Okay. Maybe for a little while, then I'll have a separate bed in there.

And then at some point, hopefully, just for space purposes, we can push the two beds together.

um i don't know you you you would have to uh arrange that with him is he there yes oh would

you like to speak to him sure thanks booster here's deniro all right hello hey rob how are

you doing uh my name is deniro oh yeah hey um i was just curious about this living arrangement

we're going to share the master bedroom together right would it be now the young man there was

was saying that i should bring my own bed ideally i mean yeah if you like to sleep comfortably on

the bed yeah i'd say bring the bed um if not how do you have a single or a double or a queen or

what do you have what do you mean well how big is the bed that we'll be sharing if i don't

hello they cracked themselves up

They had the fucking speakerphone on it.

That's hilarious.

They really enjoyed that, didn't they?

That's too funny.

Had like two or three bitches in the background

and then those guys.

This is how they were rolling on the ground, man.

It's just like, what the fuck?

Hey, Armando.

Hey.

Call me right back.

All right, bye.

Armando's in there banning people.

Ah.

Here we are.

Hello.

What happened?

Is that disconnected?

connected uh yeah we uh one of my friends made a funny joke so we all started busting up oh okay

that's that's all right you guys seem like you have nice a lot of fun oh yeah we have a good

time that's cool all right are you guys you is our marijuana cigarettes okay marijuana cigarettes

are are welcome in this household all right that's cool that's cool um so what we also like

have to smoke a lot of meth too so i mean i don't know if that would be a problem with uh you can

that's fine i don't i don't touch the stuff it's not natural no well but i mean if you think about

it everything is natural because everything comes from the earth you know from god and you know

that that's just how god made it true so what was the size of the bed then um well de niro actually

Actually, he has another boyfriend already right now.

So, you know, he's kind of jealous, too, and violent.

Is he Italian?

He sounds Italian.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore, sir.

You have a good night.

Okay.

Call him back.

Just let me answer.

Start talking.

Fuck, yeah.

I saw your fucking head on Craigslist.

They're really having a fun time there.

You hear him cracking up.

All right.

Let me see if he picks up, though.

We'll see if we can find him somewhere.

Marijuana cigarettes.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Right English.

Is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

I ain't about the living arrangement.

Share the bedroom.

Can't stick.

Call back, big boy.

We're done with that.

Not with the show.

We're just done with that.

Okay, good one.

Ken, much appreciated because they laughed and that was fun.

E. And I lost

Gmail. Fuck.

God damn it. Where'd my Gmail go?

Son of a cock. God damn shit.

Fuck. I got it open here. Just gotta find

the right window. It's hidden amongst

thousands of windows.

Here we go. Next one.

Hector. Big heck. His other male

roommate who live in a

144 square foot apartment

need another roommate. Jesus

Christ. That's pretty small, man.

That's like less than 60 square feet each.

Less than 50 square feet each.

I found another one that I sent you, too, about someone with a two-bedroom apartment,

but they share it with someone else, and they're willing to fucking rent you their futon in the living room.

Wow.

All right.

Hector says to call him or email Amanda, his girlfriend.

All right.

Here we go.

Tell Hector you and Amanda have an arrangement already set up.

Yeah.

It's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

5-6-2-5-0.

Oop, I'll try it again.

again? Call has been forwarded to an

automatic voice message system. Nope, no answer.

Bitch. Uh,

I will, let me look at,

I'll get back to those, Ken.

Excuse me, before that, let me look at the

Swap Shop page. See what we got.

Anything jumps up at me.

Bob Miller says he's got a 50-inch

flat-screen TV for sale. Two months old,

$450. Firm.

He wants to buy a hood for a

Chevy Venture and a Fender. Cool.

Fine. Let me give him a call about this,

see what porno channels he gets on this

It's a 50-inch TV.

This is Big Bob.

Hey, buddy, I see you have a 50-inch flat-screen TV machine that you're selling.

I was interested in that, and you said $450, and that's a firm offer.

You're not going to go down any lower than that.

A TV with about a month old, a little over, I bought it in February.

That's good.

What is it, a Sanyo?

What is it?

Sanyo.

No, Vizio.

Vizio?

Sony Vizio?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is it a 3D LCD HD TV with plasma and all that, or what is it?

1080 HP.

Is it LCD or plasma?

It's LCD.

LCD, very good, because the plasma leaks out of it, you know, and it gets dull.

Yeah, and how many pornos does it get?

Yeah, like how many porno movies does it have on it already?

Like how many does it get in through the air, through the antenna?

I don't know.

It's a hundred and some.

It gets 100 porno movies on it?

No.

How many pornos do you have on it right now?

Hello?

He's gone.

Hey, UK Ted, how are you, bastard?

Hey, Twinkle Tits.

Hi, welcome.

Thank you for being on.

I appreciate it.

Thank you for doing the show.

Thanks, man.

Yep.

Short crowd today, you know, just Ken and UK Ted so far.

Did you look at more than this?

Where's Milkman? Is he still around?

Uh, I think he just took a picture.

Hey, you got Bobby. You got me now. You know what to do. Leave me your name.

Shut up.

What the fuck kind of message is that? You got Bobby?

You got Bobby.

You know what to do, motherfucker.

I see that, uh, Milkman just uploaded some pictures of the Turkish kitchen for me.

Gyros for cuisine.

He may have been captured by the Turkish kitchen.

Now we got an issue like some kind of fucking swap.

It's a small place.

Hey, you got Bobby.

You got me, man.

You know what to do.

You got me.

We're going to have to give them Nunu so we can get Milkman back or some shit.

You got me, boy.

All right.

Yes, Nunu.

That's a good point.

Here's a Tempur-Pedic bed.

So Nunu is trying to get me to explain something about bedroom tax, but I haven't got a fucking

clue what he's talking about, so I can't help.

I'm sorry.

Bedroom tax.

I don't know either, dude.

I don't know.

It's a new tax system we've got in the UK where they're taxing you based on the number

of rooms you've got in your house as opposed to the value of your house oh god really i don't know

why that lady there's six fucking uh bathrooms will be out of out of fucking business because

you know she's gonna have about 12 fucking bedrooms then i had heard once in the uk like

originally there was a tax system where you were your property tax is only on how much like the

length and width of your home so you would see a lot of homes that were really like they went up

like three floors but they were really small you know i'm saying like they weren't they didn't cover

a lot of acreage but they went up really high so you could pay less taxes for them that's right

that's a pretty good end around on the tax law hello yes how are you good evening yes good yeah

i saw that you had a uh tempur-pedic bed for sale oh yes is that you or your spouse who has that

Yes, yes, yes.

Hold just a second.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

I see you have a Tempur-Pedic bed for sale.

I do, man, but it's about 1230 at night.

Oh, I know, yeah.

It's an emergency.

We need a bed.

It says it's only used four times.

Yeah.

Huh?

Come on.

Well, obviously he's not going to sell you his bed while he's asleep.

Yeah, he's asleep.

He's using it.

Yes.

Hello?

I was going to ask him, you know.

I bet there's stains all over that bed even though it's only used four times.

Did you have fucking on the bed a lot?

A lot of fucking on it?

Go to hell.

Did you make sex with your husband on it a few times?

Go to hell.

I love those people.

I love the people.

I think we know what...

The accent.

Fuck you.

I think this is Tennessee that we call or Kentucky, something like that.

Go to hell.

Tennessee.

Hello?

Hey.

Yep.

I don't know if IG-69's in there.

Nah, this is 89.

I think it's somebody trying to fucking impersonate him.

Probably some asshole named Polaris, you know?

I see Milkman's not too busy to fucking kick Polaris out.

Nope.

If that is IG...

No, I'm not that busy, man.

He's in a car.

We got love.

If that's really IG-69, then he can tell us the name of his fantasy football team.

Well, tell us, IG-89.

What was the name?

If you really are Richard Stupitz.

We're going to have some fun tomorrow in Michigan in the national finals for the basketball.

Yeah, go Michigan, you know.

Fuck Louisville.

Can't believe Louisville pulled it off.

Michigan really should be in the championship.

They pulled out a fucking miracle against Kansas.

Sucks about the Gators.

Oh, well, what can you do?

Fuck them anyway.

I'm a Hurricanes fan.

That's why I want her to go all the way.

Would they lose to Syracuse, I think?

Yeah, Michigan just beat Syracuse yesterday.

Yep.

So then go Michigan because of, you know, that's what I think.

If they were able to beat the team that beat Miami, then they should be able to win the whole thing.

That's what I said.

I see you trying to call me yesterday.

You didn't leave a voicemail or nothing?

No, I was just drunk Skyping yesterday.

Is Richie's fantasy football team called Charlie's Horses?

What was that?

Is Richie's fantasy football team called Charlie's Horses?

Oh, yeah.

That was it.

Yeah, it was Ernie's Horsemongers, actually.

That's close enough.

That must be him, then.

We got a text message from the last

I think from that last number we just called

This is sorry we can't fulfill your desires

Oh no

That's the one with the guys

That were cracking up

Hey Armano

I did I saw the pictures

Of the restaurant

Yeah I got them

When I get a Dropbox upload

It comes right up on my screen

So thanks man

I'm going to do the movie too

But it will probably take a little while

Yeah, probably.

You know what kind of pissed me off?

Carlito and Fantasy Football, that kicker that I had.

He fucking retired yesterday, so now after like seven years of Fantasy Football, I've

got to find a new kicker.

Damn.

Fucking kickers.

You know, if we keep that league, we can all keep one player from our roster this last

season.

We can keep it for the next one.

I don't know who I keep.

I don't even remember who I had on the team.

I would probably keep RG3 just to see what he does next year.

Yeah, he's probably going to have a good few seasons.

i can't believe tony romo got such a huge contract man i i saw a picture on uh facebook and right

after he signed his stuff it's like tony romo gets assigned to uh an extended contract and it

shows all these different like football teams fuck their fans are cheering and then they see

his fucking cowboy sit back in his seat with like what the fuck just happened look yeah i don't get

that whatever man isn't that the most lucrative contract in the history of football he's oldest

Well, his face is getting old, man.

How long has he been playing for Dallas?

Like five seasons now?

Four, maybe?

He's been there quite a while.

I assigned Reggie Bush to this offseason.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

There's a guy selling goats.

Let me try him again.

Mm-hmm.

Fantastic.

We'll get back to your request.

Hello?

Hey, you have some little goats for sale?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are they handsome goats?

Are they pretty?

No.

They're ugly?

They're just pigmy goats.

Okay.

All right.

What's their names?

do they have names already did you name them no okay and are they all boy goats or is there

girl goats also no just billy goats okay are they friendly yeah all right can i come over

and maybe see them first before i buy them i wanted to pet them on the head and call them

my little chicken say you're my little chicken you know and touch them and everything smell them

i saw this asshole he had an ad on craigslist earlier i wish he would have left a number to

to call back but he had for some reason uh like a freezer chest full of frozen fucking rats hey

buddy hey what happened i'm trying to sleep i gotta go to work at eight or seven o'clock in

the morning yeah but i want these goats i want to have some goats tomorrow you know well uh can you

call me back at a reasonable hour what time like in 30 minutes no like tomorrow are you porking

your wife right now fuck no i'm trying to sleep you dumb motherfucker are you porking one of the

goats right now? Is he in bed with you, the goat?

Fuck no,

little fucker.

I'm trying to sleep, motherfucker.

You don't spoil the goat.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, but this guy in Craigslist, he had

fucking rats in Ziploc baggies

in a fucking freezer chest, trying

to sell them. I was like, I wish you

had left it down. I might email him and try to get his number

for next week so we can fuck with him.

Sell them to the people who are in

snakes or something. He had a fucking picture of him.

He was like, yeah, I got a fucking freezer full of frozen

and rats. You guys want some? Gross, man.

For what? For, like, anaconda snakes or something?

What the fuck are you doing with that? He's like, I'm just selling

them. What the hell is he trying to do?

He's trying to spread, freaking, the bubonic

plague or some shit?

Like, he had numbers written on

them and stuff. I'm like, what? Is he fucking, like, dating

them so he knows when they're fresh and not

so he can eat them? Or what the fuck's going on here?

I don't know. UK Ted, you sent

in a number for a 7-Eleven

in Japan. Do you happen to know what

country code I would use for that, sir?

Not off the top of my head, but I can find out for you if you want.

Yeah, if you could.

And I'll call that for you, buddy.

Sure.

It's a 7-Eleven I used to go to every day.

Really?

Oh, you're the one that used to live in Japan for a while.

That's right.

I remember.

Pretty girls there in Japan, huh?

You ever talk to the girls there?

Never have any girls with you?

Talk to them and hang out with them?

That's cool.

No?

No, Mr. Bashful now.

You were a kid back then, so probably no.

Let me find out what is the country code.

Shut up.

all right here's a in los angeles california the name of this company is red medicine it's a

restaurant on the news recently because they tweeted out the names of people that ended up

being no-shows when they had previously previously made reservations noah is the name of one of the

co-owners you have the power carlito i'm sure the madhouse clan can figure something to do with that

cheers from honduras okay honduras you know i said some really bad things about the

Indies, the Islands

tonight. I'm sorry

whoever that is in the Honduras.

Hopefully you know that we're just joking. We're equal

opportunity offenders. Here's your prank

call. If you ever fancy calling those

assholes in Argentina,

that would be fun. A bunch of racists.

I hate Argentinians.

What do you say there, buddy?

Hello, sir? Yeah, I wanted to make a

reservation, but I wanted to make sure there was no

problem with Noah. Is he there right now?

Big Noah? I'm sorry?

I'm looking for Noah.

You're looking for Noah?

Yeah.

Sure.

I'll ask you his call number.

This is Cross.

This is who?

Cross.

All right.

Look at that fucking Link MST T3 Clay put, Chad.

A friend for $1,000.

I just saw that.

Be your fucking friend.

Jose was hitting me up.

He wants to do a show.

Stop it.

Hello?

What was that?

Hello?

Is that Noah?

Yeah.

Hey, big guy.

How you doing?

Good.

Who is this?

Someone's hitting buttons on the phone.

Is that you?

This is who?

Is there someone hitting buttons on the phone over there?

What's going on?

He can't hear you at all.

My fart in his phone.

What?

Yeah, listen, I wanted to make a reservation,

but I want to get assurances that you won't give up my private information.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

Who?

Cross.

Fuck you.

Fuck him.

Too loud there.

Sorry.

Yeah, he was fucking like,

he must have been fat fingering that fucking dial pad like real hard.

Hitting all the fingers and then,

You hear him pick up.

He's like,

Are you fucking around with your pal?

All right, Ken sent in a number in Oahu, Hawaii.

Reading this, it seemed like a legit person who wanted to babysit.

This is your babysitter one with the let's get it on package?

Yeah, I put the link to the ad.

You can see what they're talking about in there.

You need a date night, huh?

Okay, here we go.

There we go.

All right, cool.

Let's do this in the vein of that babysitter date thing that I was doing a few weeks ago.

That was pretty funny.

I'm wondering about your let's get it on package.

Let's get it on.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I understand that you've got a date night package.

Let's get it on babysitter package.

Yeah.

All right.

That's cool.

Who watches the kid?

Who's the babysitter?

Is it a girl or a boy?

It's me and my wife.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

All right.

So I've been kind of wanting to try this out, you know?

Okay.

I'm a little nervous, but I've had the fantasy about the babysitter coming over, you know,

and, you know, this get-it-on package sounds really good.

Oh, okay.

You know, I'd like the babysitter to come over,

and I'll be pretending like I'm coming home and the babysitter is here and the kid's asleep,

and then we take our clothes off, you know, and talk about, drink some wine and all that.

Hold on, say that again?

Would you be joining us and all that?

Is it that kind of thing?

hmm hello um i'm a single father so what will happen is that my my son's gonna be sleeping

and then you and your wife i guess come over and then we pretend that you're the babysitters

and then i come home like i'm back from work and you have the baby's sleeping i'm like oh good and

let's have some wine you know we'll drink some wine and relax a little bit before you have to

leave and then i'll put on a video and it's accidentally it's a porno i thought it was a

movie and as a pornography movie and we get all hot and bothered and i take my pants off you know

when we look at each other is that how it works and then we get it on um no but this is this is

for a date night a babysitter get it on thing you know it's yeah it's a um it's a date night

for people who need child care you know like a date night yeah the child's you know taken care

of and then you guys come over and you know we give be together and everything nah not that

Let's have a party.

Oh, so what did you want to do then?

Okay.

I sent a call to voicemail.

Can we make it that kind of party?

You're calling.

Hello?

Can we make it that kind of party?

Are you okay, sir?

Are you bothered?

Hello?

Am I bothering you?

What's going on?

Hello?

Okay, let's have a party.

Am I bothering you?

What's going on?

Hello?

Am I bothering you?

What's going on?

Hello?

Can I talk to your wife?

All right, that was stupid.

You all of a sudden went really low, Carlito.

I don't think he could hear you.

Really?

Huh.

All right, let me check the mic.

then that's happened sometimes it just gets all fucked up here i don't know yeah you can be really

quiet for a bit yeah shit all right what about now is that better much better much better okay

good fixed it yay all right let's go by the way tabachi was on the air tonight with uh today

earlier today with polka or polk joe whatever it is and ice goose i think they did a pretty good

job i had fun listening to that although they ended their show abruptly i wasn't happy about

that. I got really upset. So they're

not allowed on the air anymore.

RBCP was on last night.

I heard he, I think he messed around with

Charlie a little bit. Oh, Charlie

from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Something like that, right?

I think he hacked his voicemail.

Sounds fun.

The fellas did on Friday. That was a good show.

Yeah. I didn't catch it.

I was at work, but I heard good things.

We were getting a call back from those

crazy guys over there with the

The one-bedroom, let's call them that.

Hey, did you give me a call back?

What happened?

Sorry about that.

Well, your phone is a stupid.

Yeah, it is.

Who is this?

Yeah, this is Cross, and I want to make a reservation.

Is this Noah?

It is.

Yeah, I want assurances you're not going to be putting my information all over for everyone to see if I don't make it over there.

That's my name.

I don't know.

Do I know you?

No, I'm going to be a customer.

Oh, okay.

But you're going to know me if you start putting my information out there for everyone to see.

You're going to know me big time.

Well, why would I put your name on a comment?

Well, that might happen sometimes if I can't get my babysitter to come by in time.

Well, I would let you know as early as I can.

But my friend said that you were putting people's information out.

You put private information.

You were putting their social security numbers out and everything.

Yeah, always the social security numbers.

Passport numbers.

Yeah, that's what Eddie said you were doing.

Yeah?

Yeah, so don't you dare do that.

I don't give you permission to do that.

Yeah, well, I'm going to...

Oh, it's fuck you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's fuck you stupid.

I can't make a reservation without that stuff.

I'm really sorry.

Okay.

All right.

Well, do you accept a Visa MasterCard?

Cash.

Cash?

Cash and Gold Bullion.

How do I send you the cash first?

Well, what we usually do is we do a $3,000 per deposit.

You stupid asshole.

And we just take that out of whatever you spend.

You know what?

I'm on live right now, and I'm putting negative review about you right now.

Oh, I love those.

I'm on you.

Make it zero stars.

It says Noah's a gay.

it says here

he spits into food

and he put AIDS

infected blood

in the chicken

it's saying right here

love that chicken though

it's our signature dish

yeah okay

bye

whatever

I hate that guy

I hate him even more

now that he called back

I also sent a request

to prank about

a lost iPhone

that I know you love

lost iPhone

we got some time

for that one though

that's over in Hawaii

Hawaii

the song's jam man

everyone loves this song

the botcher's playing

playing. Tariq needs a

halal responsible roommate to share his

bedroom for $350 a month. That's

me. I'm halal responsible. So is

this a normal thing in the States then to be

putting up your own bedroom

for rent? Share? I think

because of the economy it has been, yeah.

Because I know at university you guys have shared

bedrooms, don't you? Yeah, like dormitories.

Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Sometimes.

Not as much anymore. That's how bisexuality

gets started. Yeah, I can imagine.

Yes, is looking

You're looking for a halal responsible roommate?

Yes, sir. Who's this?

Hi, my name is Cross.

Your name?

My name is Cross. I'm Jewish. Is that okay?

Cross.

Tell that.

C-R-O-S-S.

Oh, Cross.

Yes, sir. How can I help you?

Yes, I'm Jewish. Is that okay, first of all?

That's okay. I'll let him in.

Yeah. Hey, can you stop making that stupid noise?

You're breaking, sir.

Yeah, you have bad noise on your phone, you stupid. Are you there?

I'm on Bluetooth. I'm driving, but I have the Bluetooth.

okay is uh gay is gay sex is that halal or no are you in class yes okay how do you work i don't work

i'm a student is gay sex halal or no gay sex is it halal fuck him that's giving me a headache

for god's sake sorry ken i can't do that one god damn thank you god anyway milkman dropped out

try him again milkman's having connection issues tonight uh here's big frank who read the ad but

But here's a heading, Man Seeks Transgender Roommate.

Hey, Milkman, transgender.

I lost you, man.

Yeah, tell them about your ring finders, you know, and the training courses and stuff.

Oh, yeah, the prostate thing.

Yeah, that's funny.

No.

No, Milkman.

Sloth got interested in it, man.

He was going to ask you for it.

I'll show him.

I think he wanted to go with it.

Hello, you have reached Media Pacific Adventures and Pamela Peek's corporate offices.

Record full name with area code first.

Why does it say Man Seeks Transgender Roommate?

I think that's for a porno.

Sounds like a porno studio, right?

Originally, it was supposed to be a straight video.

Hello, you have reached Media Pacific Adventures and Pamela Peek's corporate offices.

Yeah, the name is Pamela Peek's, and it's in Los Angeles.

Originally, he just had his name, and he said, we could talk about your payment later.

And I was like, eh, this might be a setup.

Yeah, I think it's a porno studio just reaching out for transgender people to be in videos.

That's what it sounds like to me.

Okay, Barry shares a two-bedroom apartment with another female and will rent you their futon.

That's the one you were talking about.

Oh, hell, they need to come over here.

There you go.

Milkman, sleep on the futon.

All right, here we go.

Futon time.

All right, I give up on this cigar.

It's not even drawing anymore.

What a piece of shit.

What an ass.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Yeah, RBCP had offered to send me some oil change numbers, but I'm trying to stay away from those for a while.

I hope you enjoyed them, guys.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail.

But Brad does plenty of them, you know?

He's always around, so that's cool.

Here's Sam.

I just have no fucking words.

I'm going to see the pics on and read.

All right, what's this about?

Holy shit.

What the hell?

Decent-sized shared room, California king bed, desk, drawer, large TV.

I'm going to clean their fucking room or house up next time they put an ad out.

Yeah, seriously.

They've got dirty laundry all over the place and books all over the place and shit.

good god no smoking dwp what's that what's dwp included no idea dwp no let's ask him right we

can ask him is that d-e-w-p no not dupe all right here uh we're calling sam fernando dp

is that what he said yeah someone's asking what the name of that song is it's it's the

track from debbie does dallas it's pretty widely available i know it's on youtube

You can get it off of there, download it.

Hello, you have reached Media Pacific Adventures and Pamela Peek's corporate office.

Dude, that's the same one.

That's the same number.

What the fuck?

Hang on.

Did I do that right?

Hello, you have reached Media Pacific Adventures.

Weird.

Very weird.

Yeah, same thing.

I don't get it.

Something's up.

Different numbers with the same thing?

I guess so.

Okay.

Overloader Nunu hooked him up with the song already.

Good deal.

There you go, man.

man. Anyway, I think I was saying before,

Jose wants to do a show. Jose, that's cool, but

I was telling you, you've got to get your audio.

You've got to get a good mic and stuff, because every time you call

in, your mic is a

mierda, you know? It's a shit.

I called that Angry Essex

guy back again. He was fun. Okay.

Let's see if I remember his number.

Or his name. You definitely

said he was a police officer, didn't he?

Yeah, he was. Sure he was.

Yeah, he did. He did say that. You'd like to know if he's

managed to trace us yet? We know

all the police officers yell, don't stop

Stop fucking phoning me.

Yeah, you fucking cunt.

Uh, David is his name.

Do you want to talk to him, or do you want me to take it?

I don't mind.

Give him away.

There you go.

David Harmer.

Hi, can I speak to David, please?

What David are you looking for, please?

David Harmer, please.

Wrong number, I'm afraid.

No, I definitely called him on this number about half an hour ago and spoke to him.

No, wrong number.

No, it's the right number.

Where are you phoning from?

Brighton.

Will you put David on, please?

Stop fucking me about it.

It's important.

important. Get David on the line now. Who are you, please? This is Ted. I want to speak

to David. And what would Ted like to speak to David about? I'm not sure that that's any

of your business. Well, I'm not sure. You've got some business phone in my phone number,

have you? It's not your phone number. It's David's phone number. Okay. I do think so.

Put David on the phone. He's obviously there. It's up to David whether or not he wants to

speak to me. It's not up to you. Where are you getting your phone number from? From

David. Really? And how do you know David? Listen to me, you gutter slut. Put David on

the phone right now. What are you, little prick? Who the fuck is your cunt? Is that

you, David? Why do you sound like a woman? Well, I suggest you hang up now, you prick,

before I come and fucking kick your head in. No, you hang up. You hang up. You're not going

to kick my head in, are you? Put David on the phone right now. Oh, you son of a posh

little English boy, are you? No. Put David on the phone. Stop fucking me about. Fuck

off, you little prick. Stop finding my fucking phone number before I come and kick your fucking

can i do come and kick my fucking head in you fucking pussy yeah right well i've got your phone

number i've got your name so maybe i have your address as well i don't think you have any of

that from me do you so you're not gonna kick my fucking head in are you fucking pussy where the

fuck are you getting my phone number from where are you calling from i found your number on the

door of a toilet did you yeah oh wow where are you getting my phone number from huh david this

This is dead air, right?

You're annoying me now.

Huh?

You missed David, didn't you?

Oh, David.

It is David.

He's just being annoying.

Yeah, you're annoying.

Mmm.

Man, I love trail mix.

I went to the store.

You can make your own trail mix.

They got, like, different things out.

It was good.

Oh, I had cranberry raisins for the first time.

They're amazing.

Yeah, I put cranberries and raisins in this trail mix.

And I put banana chips, peanuts, almonds, and cashews, and pumpkin seeds.

It was good, man.

Mmm.

Yeah, it was good.

I should have called her a cum dumpster too

I'm not sure that was a she

That was him, he was making a funny voice

He's very good at that

Good at making

Feminine voices

We've got a bunch of Richards' here

I'm going to post these in the Skype chat

In case you want to see who we're calling

I'll start with the first one

Richard Diplock

Why are they all in Eastbourne of all places?

I don't know

That's lonesome, he's the one that does it

You know

I just do what he says

He's the boss around here

Once his girlfriend

Isn't in the house

That'll suck

She was here last week

You guys scared her off

Kept asking her

Some sexual things

Let's screen this

Okay

I've sent the caller

A voicemail

Let's see who this is

Sure you can call me back

Now I'm in the parking lot

My phone number's 4

Alright I don't want

To give that out

Hmm

Reagan he said

Who's Reagan

Did we call a Reagan

You remember that

I don't remember a Reagan

I don't recall

He said he was calling back

I don't know

Probably be wrapping up

The show here pretty soon too

Milkman's back.

Let me get the rest.

Of course.

Yo.

We got UKTid back here.

We can continue.

Yo.

Hey, man.

Welcome back.

Had a bit of a Skype issue there, but we're back.

Back to the Richardses.

Richard Dixon.

It might just be me, but I don't think the video stream's up anymore.

It should be back up in a second.

I was blanking the screen out.

Hey, he's there.

Yep.

Hey, is Richard there?

Just a minute.

Thank you.

Mm-mm.

Mm.

Richard, how you doing?

It's Kosh.

I'm coming over.

I got some peanuts.

What?

I got some food, some peanuts for us to eat.

With your wife.

You said to come over and we're going to have breakfast.

Remember?

Where are you?

No, this is Cross.

What?

I'm coming over and we're going to have breakfast.

I'm bringing orange juice and peanuts.

You can make some pork.

You were the person that called the other day.

Uh-huh.

Maybe.

You're from a consumer company, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

Yep.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, and I'm going to come over.

I'm going to come over and show you some things, you know?

Over to where?

I'm over your house.

I'm going to come over to your house and show you how to make this peanut butter,

fresh peanut butter using our machine.

I'm very keen.

If you can give me the address, I'll come over.

No, I'm coming over to your house.

I have your information here.

Which is what?

52 Swinburne Avenue.

It's so good.

It tastes so good.

We're really going to like the stuff that you can make with this machine that I'm going to sell you.

Okay.

That's very good of you.

And then we're going to...

When are you coming?

I'll be there in about 15 minutes.

What?

In about 15 minutes.

What time are you coming?

In about 15 minutes, I'll be there.

Okay, great.

I'll be ready, yep.

Warm up some tea.

Warm up some tea and some porridge.

I'll bring orange juice and peanuts.

No, well, you're bringing it.

Yep, I'm bringing it.

And then we're all going to sit down on the floor together, me, you, and your wife,

and I'll give you a demonstration.

Yeah.

And I'll pull down my pants for you and show you my underwear?

Yeah, and my else.

Anything else interesting that you've got to show me there?

Do you have anything else you want to see?

I start charging after the underwear.

If you want to see my nipples, my hairy chest and salami nipples, that's not free.

That's private.

I don't expect you've got a prick there, have you?

I do, but that's private parts.

You have to pay for that.

Are you sure?

You're saying to me as though you probably don't have one.

No, it's average.

It's not too big, but it's there.

Brush over, please, because I would like to see it,

because I don't really believe you've got one.

Okay.

Will you show me yours?

Not likely.

Maybe we can touch them together.

I'll touch yours against mine.

No, I'm not into that sort of stuff,

but I'd like to have a look at yours.

As I say, I just don't believe you've got one.

Okay, what about your wife?

Would she like to see it?

No, she wouldn't.

As I say, if you have got one, I'm sure it's pretty disgusting.

It's probably too small.

No, it's small, but I have actually got a little magnifying glass inside the bed.

I have a pretty penis.

I have a very pretty penis.

Anyway, if you'd like to just hurry up and get over here,

because I'm pretty anxious to see what it is you've got to offer.

I bet you are anxious.

You're frothing at the mouth.

I'll be ready and waking and looking.

You're foaming at the mouth or chewing my foreskin.

Maybe your wife can compare our penises and tell us which one is more handsome.

Wow.

Geez.

That guy was interesting.

Let's try to call him back.

I about spit my beer everywhere when you're like, yeah, I want you to chew on my foreskin.

That's sexy.

I like when girls do that.

No, I don't have a foreskin.

Sorry.

Circumcision is child abuse.

Okay.

It looks pretty.

It looks nice.

Hello?

Hey.

Will you think your wife will chew on my foreskin a little bit and taste it?

Hello?

Okay.

You thinking about it now?

Are you getting all bothered?

Haunting bothered?

Hello?

Hello, sir.

Just a tip.

I think they're back there looking for wee-wee.

you heard it sounded like them right sounded like her at least wee wee what do you have with this

wee wee why is sloth talking about uncut dog penis oh no idea i didn't even know dogs had

foreskins makes you think sloth how'd you know that british dudes have dog wieners that's kind

of weird man anyway let's continue wrapping up the show here at one o'clock in about three minutes

that was richard dixon richard ford coming up next uk ted if you want to do one you better

We're calling.

We're wrapping up.

You too, Ken.

Dick Richardson?

Richard Dixon Sider.

Yeah.

Hey, is Richard there?

Yeah, who's calling?

This is Cross.

I'm calling for sex.

What?

Bloody hell.

That's one of the best reactions all night.

That was quite provocative.

Right out the gate.

Sorry.

Cross is calling about the age.

She wasn't in the opening.

Hello?

Yeah, it's Richard.

Yeah.

I'm calling for sex.

How are you?

Ah.

Hmm?

Bloody morning.

What's the matter with you?

I want to come over and touch you on the penis and your heads.

Yeah.

Pet your head and muss up your hair and say, you crazy little mucky, you.

You're fucking mental, mate.

No, no, I.

Oh, yes, you are.

No.

No, I.

Don't you dare fuck yourself.

I've been drinking and I've been doing that, but I need something better.

I need a nice piece of, I need a nice warm fanny.

How about that?

How about your wife's big fanny?

Can I have that?

Give me that big

British tight fanny.

I'll put some HP sauce in

and lick it off first.

Hello?

Jeez.

I love that.

Hi, you bastard.

I think she was

hanging up

and then you mentioned

HP sauce

and she changed her mind.

I'm going to call this

motherfucker back later.

Put that in the black book.

Alright.

Let me stop eating.

that's rude sorry guys here's richard hards oh fuck yeah fuck yeah i'm talking about the sex

dick hards get it richard hards dick hards sounds like a porno name

that is a porno name richard hards

hey buddy how are you is this dick hards this is dick hards yes oh good man i wanted to come

I thought I'd come over and sleep in the bed with you.

Who is this?

This is Cross.

I wanted a nice warm fanny for the night, so I thought I'd come over and sleep in the bed with you.

Why don't you get in touch with the police if you've thrown up this tile again?

Why don't you get in touch with my penis?

Who is this?

This is Cross.

I'm Cross.

I'm from Spain, and I'm going to come sleep in your bed next to you and touch you in the penis

and put my hard dick in your big, fat, warm fanny, right?

Right? And you touch it.

Don't be so filthy.

I'm going to phone the police up after this.

No, don't call police. I just come over and we'll kiss.

And we'll make up.

You're so hot when you're angry.

I love it when you get mad.

We can make up. Make up sex is the best.

Okay?

Who is it, please? Give me your name.

Cross. Cross. This is Cross.

I'm a sexy boy.

I'm a sexy young man.

I have a pretty penis.

Where did you get my number from?

From the city book.

The city book has you down as a handsome man with a nice big bed and a warm fanny.

Yeah, so I come over and be in the bed with you.

Come on, let's play.

Let's have fun.

Okay?

Good.

Who is it?

I told you, it's Cross.

Bye.

God damn it.

Call him back.

That was funny.

I know he's worried about it.

I'm just ordering, you know, trying to offer love, you know?

Who is this?

I'm just trying to offer some love to you.

This is Cross. I'm Cross. I'm a handsome man. I have a pretty, nice, pretty penis.

That's very pretty, you know?

And I come over and we have breakfast.

He's saying the number.

A nice, pretty penis.

725523. Pretty penis.

Please leave a message after the time. Thank you.

I have a pretty penis.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

all right that'll entertain him at his house all right that'll be the last call tonight

let me get through these here that was um richard hards right here's richard hide dick hide dick

hide all right here we go jesus very polite behind them it's a weird show hello hello richard

Hello

Hello sir

Sir give me the command codes

Hello

Beep beep

Beep beep beep beep beep

It'll be even weirder here

Two weeks when we do the big birthday special

The what?

The birthday

Two weeks

It'll be actually

On the day of the show

There's a birthday special?

Whose birthday?

Who?

Me?

Mine

Yours?

Oh cool man

On the 21st

Okay

421

you're born on the day after hitler was born nice missed that bullet choked on a freaking almond

hello hey richard hello hey you hear me hello richard wake up come on bastard stupid whatever

he's just breathing in the phone let's be welcome up uh here's the last one from lonesome loser this

is richard nunny after that we'll call uh the turkish horse at home and that'll be the end of

the show just a moment here we go last uh uk call the night next to last prank of the night

hello hey is richard there sorry is richard there this is who i'm cross i'm looking for richard

i think he's got the wrong number no it's richard nunny there it's important

bullshit we'll call back maybe he'll answer hello hello hello yeah richard what are you doing

Why are you ringing me at this time of the day?

Because Richard told me to call before I came over for breakfast.

Richard hasn't called anyone here, so you've obviously got the wrong number.

He told me to call, stupid.

He said to come over for breakfast to call before I came over.

One more time.

Will you please stop calling this number?

Well, you told me to come over for breakfast.

I'm calling to let you know I'm on the way.

You've got the wrong number, man.

This is a private house you're phoning.

Of course it's a private house.

Where else would I come, stupid?

Well, you carry that.

Where do you think you're phoning?

Richard...

Where are you speaking from?

Richard Nunney.

I'm calling from the hotel.

You're at 14 Gloucester Close.

Well, what are you calling me for?

Because I'm going to come over.

We're going to eat porridge.

I'm bringing some orange juice.

And we're going to sit down and talk and have breakfast together.

Well, who are you?

I'm Cross.

Who?

Cross.

My name is Cross.

How would I know you?

We met a few weeks ago at the store.

You said to come over today on April 8th and to come over and we were going to talk about cars

and you were going to have your wife sit on my lap and I was going to pet her on the head

and tell her she's my little chicken, you know?

You're not very well, man.

No.

You're not very well.

I'm horny.

I want to get in that big, nice, warm fanny of your wife.

Your wife's big, nice, warm fanny, you know?

Well, I'm putting this phone down there, man.

Where are you going to put it?

Exactly.

Jack, you've got the wrong number.

I don't know how the hell you got hold of this.

Put the phone down.

Put the phone down there.

Let me hear it.

Okay.

All right, all right, all right.

Turkish horse time.

And we're done.

I don't think I called all of your requested pranks, Ken.

Sorry.

What is High Ones?

Is there a name for him?

Onassis?

He looks like fucking Onassis, dude.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

No one is available to make your calls.

Please leave.

All right, I'll try him again.

Is the restaurant still open?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

If you, perhaps when it is open,

you know that recording that you played

to the guy who translated it for you earlier?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would happen if you called the restaurant

when he's not in and just played that to them?

Because I'd obviously recognize his voice.

Yeah, they'd think it's him.

Good idea.

Just insulting them.

I'm going to call the house first,

see if he answers.

Well, it's busy, so.

Answer machine's redoing itself.

Must be a workster.

Hello, no one is available to...

All right, he's not answering there.

All right, we'll call the business then,

And we'll try that.

I don't think they'll answer, but we can try it.

Here we go.

Calling it right now.

Pow.

Oh, I've got to get the voicemail ready.

Whoops.

Hello?

Yes.

Hello, how are you?

Hello?

They hung up right in time.

All right, UK Tech.

Great idea.

yeah UK Ted

bye UK Ted

I'm sorry

good luck with the military and the work

whatever it is you're doing okay

thank you good luck with your show

and I try and keep up with it

when I get a chance

I can't be on the

I can't be listening live very often

but I catch up with the YouTube and stuff

that helps out a lot

thank you man tell your friends there in the military

I will do

see you later

Bye, man.

Night, guys.

All right.

Big Ken, you're out of here on your ass.

Bye.

See you later.

Smell you later.

Milkman.

You hear, Milkman?

Milkman.

Time to go.

Milkman.

No, Milkman.

We'll have to wrap it up with that Milkman.

Unless we're with a customer.

All right.

Well, thank you for everyone who tuned in tonight.

Thank you especially to Lonesome Loser who sent in a lot of numbers to prank call.

Appreciate it.

Thanks for that guy who sent in the number.

What was it?

Was that restaurant?

ron that guy noah he was interesting thanks to ken for sending in your numbers also thanks for

being on the show thanks to uk ted for joining us hey milkman here you are i was wrapping it up man

oh okay all right i had i went and got me a some milk arrow yeah cock in the face wrap it up then

hurry up you gotta be fast well damn it be true all right so sorry hey man i want to thank

everybody for stopping in all our friends right there 90.6 the mouth especially our numbers hit

Hitman, that's right.

Lonesome loser, all fists held high for a brother.

And all our friends that stopped by and joined in tonight, guest callers.

And I'd definitely like to thank everybody over at the kitchen.

Mr. Onassis, it was a pleasure and an honor.

And I'd like to thank especially you.

That's right, our listeners.

Every week we do the most interactive show that you can find right here on the Internet in your ear balls.

We drop a dime.

We ask that you only give us the time and bring a friend or bring an enemy.

I mean, they're always welcome right here in the Madhouse.

All right, everyone, Eno, to you, brother.

Yay!

Whatever Milkman said.

Yeah, man.

I'm about to clonk out.

Be sure to visit MadhouseLive.com.

We're also tonight on Blue Planet Radio.

Be sure to visit BluePlanetPrankRadio.net, CactiRadio.com.

Thank you, Brad, and the rest for having us there.

And be sure to tune in Friday for Tuck's Fireside Prank Call Chat Machine.

Saturdays for Brent Westwood.

and rbcp and we're here every sunday take it easy guys i'll update that podcast soon anyway bye i

love you guys love you my little chickens i don't know where it is you gotta get chicken

Calls (51, 1 h 43 min of 2 h 50 min)

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