Drilling Holes in the Bathroom

Taking the world, taking the world, 98.6, the mouth.

This is basic civil defense information from the Department of Defense, Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If a nuclear attack ever occurs, go to a public shelter if one is nearby.

Or if you have a home shelter, use it.

But if regular shelter isn't available, and even if your home has no basement,

you can still provide some limited fallout protection in a first floor hall or room,

away from outer walls and windows.

Use doors off their hinges, furniture and appliances, plus stacks of other shielding material, such as trunks or drawers, filled with sand or earth, to make an enclosure large enough to live in for a short time.

Some homes without basements have a crawl space between the first floor and the ground.

Select the crawl space area under the center of a house and place shielding material around it.

On the floor above, place other shielding material to provide additional protection for the shelter space.

space for more information on how to improvise fallout protection check with your local civil

defense director hey guys how you doing man i'm carlito man oh yeah man oh fuck yeah with me here

Here is Milkman.

Milkman.

Oh.

And a buck, though.

Okay, play, okay, play, okay, play.

I can hear your melodious tones, my brother.

I can hear that ornery, ornery little laugh there behind it all.

I know you've got some excellent things.

Sorberous, man.

Let's get it fired up, my brother.

How you doing?

I'm ornery.

Oh.

Ornery and ornery.

I'm horny.

Yeah, I'm good, man.

Freaking retards, man.

That's why I love this chat, man.

I've got the coolest retards.

You've got the coolest retards anywhere, man.

I love the chat.

You just cracked me up the way you said I'm horny.

I just...

Yeah.

You sounded like a leprechaun saying that.

Anyway.

You sounded like a leprechaun from the...

Freaking retard.

There's something wrong with that milkman clown, too.

You know, you're going to have to censor him, man.

God.

All right.

Well, we've got lots of show tonight here for you.

Exciting.

Exciting development.

in the fields of stem cell research president obama passed his new budget this cut list last

week will be taking your calls about that yeah man we're gonna be opening up the uh republican

line and the democrat line and also the independent line and the wild card line also

no libertarian line sorry guys well we're gonna get to prank calls that's what we're really gonna

gonna do no time for this isn't uh political talk time milkman it's prank call show that's what

nunu's seeing right now i bet you anything um oh man you're stuttering right now look at that

there goes nunu he's all fired up we got lots of numbers coming in from lonesome loser and your

request to pranks be sure to send those over at madhouselive.com if you're listening to the show

and you'd like to watch me sitting here with my thumb up my ass,

you can do that over there also.

Join the chat room if you're listening and not in the chat room.

There's a lot more people listening and watching the show than are chatting,

so you can do that.

You can join the chat room.

That would be appreciated also.

Don't be scared.

Don't be shy.

You can be anonymous, you know.

You can make yourself into anybody you want to be.

pretending is accepted practice here in the chat irc you know what it's all fun and game

we ain't playing no freaking games yeah you can be an office manager at a medical services company

you can pretend that if you want you can be that that's what you can do when you go to head beach

for all you know the head beach oh in charge the hbic exactly and that's okay too you know

there's nothing wrong with being the head beach oh in charge you get your pick of the girls milkman

man. Right. There you go, buddy.

That's right, man. Lead

head, man. You get

first pick in all the women in the office.

And that's good.

Hello. We are not

available now. Please leave your name

and phone number after the beep.

We will return your call. Hey,

we are Harney for you.

We're Harney for you, baby.

Just calling to leave you a message here

that lets you know that we're Harney for you.

Me and Milkman Boat.

It's not one of those where you can review the message at the end.

That's what I wanted to do.

Fuck.

Fuck, shit, ass.

I was just trying to jump into the prank calls really quick.

Lonesome Loser sending in numbers in and around a university campus.

I'm not sure which one.

The turds are rolling into the chat.

The office went out and here comes the turds to the chat.

How's that?

I mean, so the turds.

The turds and company.

Okay, whatever you're talking about, man.

That's cool.

Look at the bottom of the chat and tell me what you think.

Look at the bottom of the chat.

Big, big, big.

Fuck now, self-relater?

Yeah.

There you go.

Bottom.

Pink.

Make this a retard.

That's what it stands for.

Gotcha.

All right.

Cool.

Whatever you want to go off on, man.

Not at all.

Here's Smith & Wesson for sale.

Anyway, what I was saying is that Lonesome Loser has sent in numbers in and around a college campus.

I forget which one here.

not looking at it directly, but he also has

webcam links.

Purdue University.

Purdue. Where's Purdue at? Is that

in Pennsylvania? Where is Purdue?

I don't know. That's one I don't know.

They have a lot of chickens there, right?

Yeah, absolutely, man. They got some of the finest

chickens, man. Hottest chicks around.

They got chickens.

That's where the Purdue chicken

was invented. It was there in Purdue.

Yes. See, you've got these

guns for sale, this gun machine.

You got a Smith & Wesson.

Hello?

Is this you, little lady, that's selling it, or is it your old man?

My husband.

Yeah?

Why does he put you on the phone if you're expecting business?

Are you crazy?

How many chickens can you kill with the Smith & Wesson?

What?

How many chickens can you kill with the Smith & Wesson?

Who is this?

My name is Cross, Cross Lopez, and I'm looking to slaughter some chickens for feed.

I'm going to feed the cows chicken.

Oh.

So?

I'm not interested to tell it to you.

Don't call me back.

Oh, what?

Can I chase around some little ducks that have been going around my house, my property?

God damn it.

Say not to call me back, but I was not interested in telling it to you.

Listen, son of a bitch.

I'm not going to shoot him.

I'm just going to chase him and scare him with the gun.

Say, hey, duck.

Say, stupid duck.

Can you hear?

Maybe I'll...

I said not to call me back, and I'm not interested in telling it to you.

Okay?

I'm going to pistol whip a goat.

Hey, stupid.

I'm not going to shoot him.

I'm just going to pistol whip this stupid fuck.

All right.

I'm stupid.

It would be fun to pistol whip a goat in the head with one of those Smith & Wessons.

And I want to pistol whip my neighbor's cattle with it, too.

And I'm not going to shoot them because that would be illegal.

But I want to hit them over the head with the butt of the gun.

Like, hey, you stupid cow.

Like, bonk them right in the head.

Is it safe to do that?

Okay, yeah.

I don't really care.

I'm not selling the gun.

It's not for sale no more.

Yeah, it is. It's here in the internet that it's for sale.

It doesn't say that you sold it. God damn it.

Why is it that it's not for sale to me? Because I'm colored?

Hello?

Yeah, you sound colored.

Is that why you're not selling a gun to colored people?

Uh-uh.

Because my last name is...

Why are you calling somebody that has to work 12 hours a day at night?

What are you calling people this late for?

You didn't tell people what time to call and what time not to call, okay?

Okay, it doesn't matter. She done said that the gun wasn't for sale.

Do you have anything else that I could throw?

No, I don't.

Do you have any rocks, any big rocks?

Why don't you throw your goddamn self off a bridge with a rock tied to you?

Well, I had this idea.

You're the world's favorite.

Maybe I'll go to my neighbor's house, and I'm going to pick up his water fish aquarium,

his fish aquarium.

I'm going to pick it up and slam it onto the floor so it breaks.

Okay, that would be good.

Don't call us back again.

Yeah, you think that'll teach him not to mess with my daughter?

His son...

That sounds to me like you need to call the police if he's messing with your daughter.

No, his son is messing with my daughter.

They're both of the same age.

They're both 16.

Okay, well, that sounds to me like you need to take care of that yourself.

That's nothing I can do.

Well, I was over there, and I went to take care of it.

And then I saw this coyote in his backyard, and I pissed my pants, and I had to run away.

Hello?

You all right?

Well, I'm all right.

He's gone.

He ain't paying attention.

God damn it.

Milkman, I saw a coyote, and I ran away.

are there even coyotes on the east coast i don't think there's any oh hell yeah dude coyotes are

actually making a um comeback um they have uh not been pursued or hunted for quite a while

and they i think they actually came up from either new york or pennsylvania and they were

actually seen in ohio and west virginia i've actually seen coyotes well i actually got yeah

dude i was in the woods okay and i did and i was just up here scouting out for my my deer you know

know my deer hunting the next season there and this was like summer and i'm walking up through

the woods dude and all of a sudden man i hear this like what the fuck like growling sound and

it was like in this big like you know like really dense like vegetated area and i said what the

fuck is that me and my buddy were walking up through there and i said you said you heard that

man and give me the look so we walked on man and he told me there's he said there's a little den

Then a coyote's up there, and that was probably them in there fussing either because we got close to them

or, you know, they're fussing the mom and the baby.

So coyotes are there, and if you ever see one, I saw a stuffed one.

A guy had shot one in West Virginia just before I left back there in about like 99, 2000, something like that.

Fucking teeth on them things are like about an inch long, man.

They're freaking huge.

They're like a shark tooth attached to an oversized dog head.

head who'd win in a who went in a fight a coyote or a wolf who's uh oh without a doubt it would

have to be a wolf man because the wolf is much bigger coyotes are probably about the size of

like big collies or somewhere in that range but wolf dude gets up there you know a few hundred

pounds man wolves are pretty damn big all right what about uh oh let's say uh a crocodile and a

a coyote crocodile are you talking in the water out of the water that's a good that's a good

what about well in the uh out of the water water advantage is always crocodile out of the water

i'd still say crocodile if you could get a hold of a coyote would win because like dude like you

know if he gets a hold that son of a gun he's gonna run and drag him straight in the water

anyway yeah yeah there you go very good point yeah yeah i like that all right here's caitlin

who wants to ride a horse.

I love you, man.

You're the best.

There, mana.

Talking about coyotes.

You know, that's something you don't talk about.

I thought they were just a California problem.

You hear about them in California all the time.

Yeah, you wanted to ride a horse.

Do what?

You want to ride a horse now, is it?

Are you looking for a horse that's rideable under $250?

A horse machine?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you have any experience with horses?

the horse machine or are you new to this i have two horses okay what are their names what what

are their names star latin slash bar oh that's nice that's nice that's nice well we have a black

horse named negra and we also have a white horse named martura okay we have a lippin's honor also

the lippin's honor is 249 dollars he comes with all his papers and shots he's been fisted properly

a few times he's fist he's fist friendly he's been fisted yeah and he's not gun shy i shoot

guns around him all the time i i when we feed him i always shoot a gun straight into the air or

i point a gun with blanks in it i don't know he used to run away tear but now he's used to it

i point a gun with blanks and i fire the blanks in his general direction yeah well i don't know

Well, I thought you were serious.

Do you have a horse trailer machine to pick up the horse machine?

Yeah, a horse trailer machine.

Well, the horse machine goes inside the horse trailer machine.

Listen, if you don't want this horse, we're going to just shoot him out back.

I've been trying to sell him for a long time.

I'm just going to shoot the fucker tonight.

So do you want to at least come see him?

I'll give him to your cheaper.

He's fisted.

Come on.

No, he's fisted.

What do I got to do to get you inside this horse?

Do what?

What do I got to do to get you inside this horse machine?

I also have a five-story, it's five stories tall.

It's this large wooden horse.

Oh, no.

It's a large wooden horse, and one of the legs has a door on it.

You can go inside and climb up inside the horse, and you'll be inside the horse.

And we can push, you can drive it around.

Are you talking about a horse trailer?

Well, this is more of like a Trojan horse.

It's wooden.

It's a horse.

It's wooden.

It's on wheels.

And you can push it around.

You can drive it around and everything.

It's all automated.

It runs on steam.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

You can fit about five or six rednecks inside there.

You can put about five or six rednecks inside this horse.

And all you need is you get a nice wood fire going.

And you keep adding water.

And it turns.

and what the fuck am i talking about a large giant trojan horse that's five stories tall

she's so stupid it's two-legged it's two-legged too i don't want that

i don't even know why she's taking so long to fucking try to really is she from alabama too

she didn't sound like it no right as a damn dead bulb yeah matt hillock she was so horny

laugh track matt hillocks in the chat room supposedly uh he pulled a kobe he pulled a

kobe bryan on his leg you know i did like man somebody said he really like hurt himself man i

i remember the day he hurt himself but dude i didn't realize he really hurt himself man is that

right yeah dang how the hell did he do that i don't know okay well anyway get better man matt

get better buddy maybe he was uh playing basketball or something i don't know oh okay he wasn't

wanking too hard then it just got out of control okay cool he was he was playing basketball in the

ghetto he says oh okay okay he didn't get accidentally fisted though by one of the

opponents then no he got he got off the subway and these guys said they were playing on their

court and they challenged him these black guys were playing these brothers were playing basketball

and they were down one player and they told the guy he could pick anybody that he could pick

Pick anybody he wanted to go up against, and he chose the white guy.

Yep.

That's what Matt did.

Matt tried to slam dunk the basketball, and he came down, and he fell on his leg.

Fell, and he snapped it.

It sounded like a pencil snapping, like, you know, like that.

Yeah.

That's what happened, man.

Okay, let's see if Lonesome's got any other numbers here.

Well, hang on.

We've got the webcam.

You're better, Mr. Matt.

I don't know what happened to him.

It's something to do with his leg machine, okay?

Oh, okay.

Here's the Lawson Computer Science Building Room, 8160.

Here we go, man.

Let's give them a call.

What do you say there, buddy?

Oh, I think they await your melodious tongues.

Actually, I don't think that we have the number.

What do you say there, big guy?

How are you, buddy?

What's up?

How are you, buddy?

How are you doing?

I'm doing well.

Oh, man.

I think I found these blackberries.

I didn't find a notebook, but I was walking downtown, and I found these two BlackBerrys within about 10 feet of each other on the road, on the side of the road.

I was walking to buy marijuana, and I was smoking a marijuana cigarette when I was walking.

And I don't know if maybe you went by me or something, but they came off probably the top of your car because you left them on your car, these two BlackBerry machines.

Yeah, that would be them.

them so what's the unlock code on what's the unlock code on them so i can uh unlock the phones

i actually somebody that was a friend of mine i'll know the unlock code could you get i want

to get the unlock codes so i can unlock the phones you know i mean i'm trying to get the

phones back yeah but i want to unlock them first and look in the phone and see what's in there

and play around with the apps and maybe just see what kind of text messages and pictures are on

there any any pictures you know that they might have taken well yeah do they want the blackberries

back or no the blackberries back yeah what is reward what is reward what is the reward yeah

what is reward for this yeah um believe it something like that so 100 for both uh i would

have talked to my friend but could probably do that okay but can you can you conference your

friend can you connect them you do a three-way i cannot why are you putting it in yourself why

Are they old? Are they elderly? Is that what's going on, or what's happening?

I was just the one responsible for it, so I'm trying to recover them for them.

And you guys are good friends?

Personal question.

Well, I'm just curious if you're good friends.

That's a nice thing for you to do, to help out, you know?

I understand.

Are you employed by them? Are you like their chauffeur, and you left them on top?

No, not employed by them.

Okay. All right.

Well, is there any way I can reach them, or you can reach them at all?

Why can't you call them?

I don't understand.

Don't they want their shit back?

I mean...

I mean, we definitely want it back.

I don't know why it would be a difficult thing to get it back if you have the phones.

Well, I just, I want to, I need to talk to them first.

I need to get the unlock, you know, the unlock codes, unlock the screens on the phones.

Well, he's going to give you that.

What's the problem?

Why not?

It's his personal property.

Yeah, but I found it.

I'm giving it back.

I just want to unlock it first and look at the phone, look at the text messages.

That's illegal.

No, it's not.

No, it's not. No, it's not mail. And you left it on the road.

It's illegal, trust me.

You left it on public property, all right?

I understand that, but there's definitely, I can guarantee you that what you're asking is illegal.

So how are you responsible for the phone? Why is it you? What did you do? I don't understand that part of the story.

That's my question.

Are you part of a sexual threesome with them?

Ridiculous.

Well, that's the only thing I can think. You're part of the threesome between them, and you were supposed to watch the phones, and you didn't.

Is that what happened?

Not even close.

Is it two girls or two guys?

Two guys?

There's nothing interesting on the phones that you would want to see anyways.

Yeah, but are they two guys?

It's two guys, right?

Two guys' phone?

Are they a gay couple and you're not supposed to tell anybody?

Nothing along those lines.

Okay.

Are they bisexual?

Are you interested in returning the phones or are you not interested?

I'm interested, yeah, but we need to get the unlock code, you know?

That's not going to happen.

All right.

Then I'm keeping the phone.

All right.

Well, I'll see you later.

would want to be difficult i'm eating an orange right now that's good it's really good the seedless

you know gotcha yeah so it's juicy so what are we talking about i mean i'm just either you're

interested in returning the phone or you're not you gotta make that decision i'm interested i'm

in anything's possible if i i'm gonna keep trying to unlock the phone i'll let you know i mean if i

if i give up on unlocking the phone then i'll call you back and i'll get it to you guys or you

You can call me back and give me the unlock code,

and I'll give it back to you.

Well, you do realize that's illegal, correct?

It's not.

There's no law.

I mean, I know you don't care, but...

It's not.

How is it illegal?

I don't understand.

Because it's personal property, and it's private information.

But it's lost.

It's not like I'm stealing it.

I can...

If you went through and read the information,

I can guarantee you, or, you know,

went through and read personal text messages,

or looked at personal pictures,

I can guarantee you that that would be illegal.

I don't think so, because what if it didn't have a lock on it?

I could still look at it and everything.

Yeah, you'd be able to look into it, and that would be illegal.

Finders keepers.

What's that?

Finders keepers.

That's what I would say to that.

It's finders keepers.

Do you not have a conscience?

Yeah, I'm giving it back.

You don't seem to want to give it back, and you haven't tried to contact anybody or anything like that.

All I'm asking for is the unlock code, then I give it back.

You see?

It's a conditional give it back.

Not? Are you not interested in the reward?

No, actually.

Well, it depends what I find on the phone, you know?

If there's anything of value, you know?

Mm-mm-mm.

Oh, no.

Fucking oranges are delicious, man.

Mm.

Ah.

So what's it going to be?

Do you not want these phones back?

I mean, not with what you requested.

Well, connect those guys.

Come on.

Connect the couple, the people that own the phone.

Connect.

Call one of them now.

Let me hear them.

Then I give it back.

I'm just not sure I want to connect them with you

because you've been kind of difficult to meet up, talk to him, and see what he thinks.

Maybe they should make that determination themselves if it's there.

Come on.

I'll do what I can do.

Look, I'm just asking to give me a chance so I can give them their stuff back.

You want them to get their stuff back, right?

Connect them on the phone and let me talk to them.

I just don't see why you want to make this difficult to solve pretty simple thing.

You found something and asking you to do the right thing and return it.

Do you want to get the fubs back?

It's a pretty easy moral decision.

Either you want to return them to the rightful owner.

there do you want to get the phones right for the years or i'm asking you a question do you want to

get the phones back tell me yes or no um is that a serious question because yes do you think no oh

no obviously i want to get the phones back okay so then yes all right so then all you got to do man

is call one of them and make a three-way call now and connect them and i'm just gonna ask them

something real quick and then i'll tell you where to meet me you know we'll meet in public in a

a public place? What are you going

to tell them? What do you need to tell them?

That's private information. I guarantee you he's not

going to give you any code to unlock

a phone. I'm not. I promise. I'm just

going to tell them something important about this

phone. That's it. But it's private

and you need to talk to the person. Tell me you did

not find his notebook. Just the phones.

Just two phones. Yeah, there's no notebook

here. No. Come on. I'll wait. Call him.

I'll wait. I'll wait. I have no way to call you.

I thought you had a three-way phone.

I don't. What kind of phone you got?

Personal question. I mean, we have

I have iPhone, Android.

I have Android.

I have an Android phone.

I'll tell you what I got.

I have an Android phone.

Well, that's good.

Android's the way to go.

Come on, man.

I can't connect you to a three-way call.

You're probably calling me from Skype anyway, I assume, so I can't do it through Skype.

Forget it, then.

I don't know.

I've tried to do that before.

I mean, if you want to call me back, I'll give you a big number if you want to talk to me.

You want to give me the number now on that call?

I mean, I can't give you this number in a second.

It's probably sleeping right now.

Oh, forget it, then.

and rather than I'm going to keep the phones,

then you're so difficult, I'm keeping the BlackBerry machine.

That's it.

I mean...

Forget it.

No, forget it.

You don't want to work with me, so no.

All right?

I mean, basically, I thought that's your moral decision.

That's not what you want to do.

Okay, all right, bye.

Anyway, that was all for nothing.

I just really wanted to talk to the owner.

To apologize to me.

As a matter of fact, I want you to bring your hand...

He was weak.

All that work for nothing.

That dude was weak, man.

Yeah, he...

You know, we could have actually had, you know, a good time there,

and he was obscuring all of that, so...

You know what?

Oh, it's a good moral thing to return.

And take a shit inside the microwave and turn it on.

It's good moral.

Okay.

Send the microwave right on, man.

And turn it on.

Yeah, it's good morals, man.

Good bowels.

Absolutely.

Hellacious bowel movements, man.

I'll buy a bowel.

Massive bowel movement.

A for 300.

Massive bowel movement in the kitchen.

Hello?

Yeah.

You have this 79 Suzuki GS1000 tour bike.

Hello?

Yeah, you have the Suzuki?

No, you just called me on phones.

I thought you had a Suzuki.

I don't have a Suzuki.

Oh, did you want to give me the unlock code yet?

I'm not even sure that you have the phones or that there is an unlock code.

No, there is definitely an unlock code.

Why, did you talk to the guy already?

I haven't talked to him because I told you he's probably sleeping.

Why are you acting so, you know, like you got your nose in the air when you're talking to me?

I'm calling him right now.

You're calling who?

I'm calling him.

Because

you refused to connect him for me, so I'm going to have to call him myself.

You're a real asshole, you know that?

I'm not an asshole.

I'm just trying to make it simple.

Well, I'm trying to make it simple, too.

You put the owner of the phone, the phones, when I tell you to put the owner of the phones on the phone.

You don't tell me what you can and can't do.

You got a lot of excuses.

You're calling.

Not answering.

It's your fault that you didn't, you know, keep track of the phones.

It's your fault they got lost.

That's why you're putting in requests to get the phones back.

And now you're trying to be, you know, nasty with me and rude with me.

Stuck up.

That's not cool.

I'm not trying to be like that by any means.

I'm just trying to make things simple.

Well, I'm trying to tell you I want to get these phones back to the people that own them,

but I need those damn unlock codes first, you know?

I've got to unlock the phone and look in the mirror.

I won't do anything bad.

That doesn't make sense.

I've never had a phone like this.

I'm going on a date, and I want the girl to be impressed.

I want her to see I got BlackBerry, because all I have now is like a flip phone.

I can guarantee you you could buy a phone with whatever reward we're going to give you

for getting the phone back if you actually have phones.

My contract isn't up for, like, another year and a half.

Buy a refurbished phone off eBay.

They're pretty cheap.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

But then they charge me, you know, that fee, that early termination fee, right,

to put the new phone on it?

No, not if you just activate it.

Maybe, yes, maybe I'll just sell this phone.

How much do you think I can get for a BlackBerry on the Internet?

Well, how much do you think I can get for a BlackBerry on the Internet?

Don't know.

How much would you buy, pay for it?

Are they $50 each?

Obviously not.

I mean, are you calling?

I'm trying to call them and let them know.

Look, I want to...

Why did you want me to contact them if you have their number?

This guy Lysol wants to buy them.

You understand?

There's this dude Lysol, and he wants to...

Hello?

Yeah, yes, and I've got the guy on the line here about the female pit bull you're looking for.

Yeah.

Yeah, he won't give me the code, the unlock code to unlock them, though.

Oh.

Yeah, do you know how to unlock them?

Not really.

What are you trying to unlock?

The cage where the pit bull, female pit bull puppy's in.

Oh.

Listen, if I don't get the unlock code, I'm going to throw the cage into the fucking river.

Who else is on the phone?

That's Michelle.

Hey, Michelle.

Hey, Michelle, what's up?

You have nothing much.

Yeah, I got this guy on the line.

He doesn't want to give me the unlock codes for the blackberries.

The blackberries?

Yeah, but I told him I need a female pit bull.

uh puppy is that what you want yeah i'm looking for one but oh okay how about you get behind the

wheel of a golf cart and drive it into a pond why don't you do that you need to tell me i'm not

calling back hey hello oh hey man would you give me the unlock code yet uh i'm not giving you an

unlock code i don't i don't want to i'm just trying to get money for some stuff i'm looking

I'm looking for, you know, I want to get some pitbulls.

A female pitbull and a male pitbull, you know?

I mean, was $100 not enough for you?

Not for the pitbulls because they're AKC, you know?

You're talking about for the phones.

Yeah, yeah, but I need the unlock codes.

I get more money with the unlock codes, you know?

How do I even know you have the phones?

Well, do you want to hear them?

What kind of BlackBerry is it?

The BlackBerry, I think it says A270.

Okay.

Where'd you say you found it at?

It was on the road, on the side of the road.

I was walking and I saw one.

Where?

And I looked a little further and it was on Haynes Street.

On Haynes Street, which is...

In Charleston.

I found it downtown.

Yeah.

Do you want more than $100 for the phones?

Is that what you're saying?

Unlock codes.

I keep telling you I'll need unlock codes.

It would be illegal for me to give you the unlock codes.

Do you know what they are?

Now you know what they are.

I think you know what they are, don't you?

I don't know what they are.

I don't know.

There's something about the way you just said it now.

It sounded like you knew what they are.

Rather, if I did or not, I wouldn't.

Well, who are they?

Are they just friends?

Is it your parents?

Are they old and they don't know how to, you know?

I mean, do you have to do other stuff for them?

Are they senile?

I'm sorry, but the person you're calling doesn't want to talk to them if you want.

Well, give me the number and I'll call them already, you know?

We'll figure it out.

I'll get the...

I have the number written down.

I don't have the number right now.

So you just have it written down.

Where is it?

In the car?

I don't understand.

You just have it written down, but you don't know it.

Like, you don't have it written down nearby.

You have to go out of your way to get it.

It's just, your story is weird, man.

It's a really weird story.

It doesn't matter what my story is.

It's just weird, man.

It just really pisses me off, bro, you know?

You're sitting there.

You're fucking with me now about the phones, the goddamn BlackBerrys.

Hello?

Hello.

Mike, Mike, you're looking for the 96 Corolla?

The grill front lights and all that?

Hello?

Mike?

Stupid.

Who are you calling?

Why do you want to keep calling people who are on the phone?

Well, I've got a lot of people.

I've got a lot of errands to run today.

And you're not helping me out by getting me the numbers I need,

which is a stupid unlock code, so I can figure this whole thing out.

No, all I'm trying to do is get the phones back,

give you money for the phones as a reward

because you found them for your, you know, effort, and then that's it.

I want to help you.

I want to help you get the phones back because it's your mistake.

It's your mistake.

Is it your fault, you said, right?

That's not my fault.

It's not your fault?

Then why is it that you said before that you're in charge of getting it all straightened out?

It sounds to me like you, it's your fault that they got lost, and now they'd say, well, you better find them.

The people who founded it do not live in this town and would not be able to, I would have to be the one to get them.

Are they Mexican?

Are they Spanish?

Because I can speak Spanish.

I can talk Spanish to them.

Would that help out?

Are these guys connected?

Hello?

Yeah, you have a riding lawnmower for sale?

Yes.

Do you think I could run over two BlackBerrys and fuck them up really good and shred them really good with it?

Would the lawnmower be able to take it, or would it get damaged, do you think?

How heavy are they?

What?

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, do you think I could run over two BlackBerry cell phones with it and mess them up really good, break them, or would it not take it?

Call me back in the morning.

I was in bed.

Don't be an asshole.

Just answer the question.

I already hung up.

I hung up on them.

Look, man, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to find some fun way to destroy these BlackBerrys, all right?

If you don't start making with the goddamn codes, you start making with...

I'm going to start with one.

I'm going to break it right here, and you can hear me start.

I'm going to start.

I'm going to take it apart.

That's up to you.

I'm going to take it apart.

I've got a screwdriver right here.

Let me see.

I've got all the tools that I need.

Listen, listen.

You hear that?

I'm not going to sit here on the phone with you.

uh just want to return the phones all right i'm gonna open up do you think the the unlock code

is written inside the phone it is well come on just let me help you out with the phones i don't

want you to get in any more trouble than you already are are these people connected is that

what's going on the trouble we got on there's nothing interesting to see on the phones it's

just the fact that everyone takes pictures everyone takes pictures you know pictures i mean

I mean, you want to go online, there's plenty of pictures online, Facebook, you know.

I like seeing amateur pictures.

I like amateurs.

If there was something, I'm not even sure that's in the first place.

I totally do.

I just put one on the phone for you.

I mean, do you live in Charleston or where do you live?

Charleston.

Okay.

I was walking down, you know, to get some, you know, some munchy kind of foods, you know.

Do you have a charger for the phone?

I can get one real easy.

My friend works at the kiosk.

He works at a kiosk in the mall, and they have all the different chargers.

And he gets it from China, really cheap, $9 each, and he'll give it to me for free.

Hello?

Yeah, you have a Mossberg for sale?

Yeah, sure.

You think I could set up a cell phone and shoot it with it, like shoot a cell phone with it?

Is it possible to do that?

Yeah.

Just this guy.

Would it mess it up really good?

Do you think it would mess it up, or would it just ding it a little bit?

Why did you tell him that for, man?

Because.

I'm going to fuck up this phone, man, and you don't need to get in the way of this.

I'm calling people.

It's private business.

Nice talking to you.

I'm going to get off you.

Return the phone.

That's private business that you don't need to be getting into about what I'm going to do with these stupid phones.

He's finally gone.

What a dumb fuck.

Dude, man.

How long was he going to hang on?

How long did I have him on for?

I called like three people with him on the fucking line.

Do the moral thing.

Moral.

I'll do the value thing, man.

I'll go ahead and shred this.

and she ain't coming across with enough adobe.

We want adobos, son.

Yeah, I was just trying to make the fucking guy exciting, you know?

He was so dry as toes, that fucking guy.

I didn't even know how it started out.

All I know is I kept threatening his blackberries.

Yeah, well, he kept on going once he never really got totally pissed,

and that's why he kept going.

He was trying to convince you like hell.

Come on, give it back, give it back, come on, give it back.

I'm going to give it back now, you know.

$100 isn't enough.

He's sitting there, sir, whoever this is, I'll have to follow to hang off.

He's a sad bag, kid.

That's why I burped on him real quick.

I said, you punk, I don't burp.

Asshole.

That one lady was like, he's prank calling us.

You tell him to stop calling us.

That was the one with the pit bulls.

i don't want it to unlock yeah all right well uh here's one from lonesome that says hello lovely

people my partner and i are looking for someone to give us a 26 year old english guy and a 25

year old south korean guy they want to ride from charleston where we were just calling to atlanta

on april 20th they can't afford the delta tickets the bus will take too long okay whatever so what

What are you doing, Milkman?

How come you're not working tonight?

You're usually out driving.

I'm off.

I got off earlier.

I worked 14 hours today.

And I'm actually supposed to be in bed because I got to be back out in the morning at 4.

So I'll have less than 8 hours.

Did you do your taxes, Milkman, or do?

Yeah, dude.

You did those like second week of January.

Oh, I did them last year, man.

I did them already.

I did my taxes.

Today is the latest in my life I've ever waited.

I've never waited until the day before

ever in my life

I use H&R Block online

oh online oh okay

let me see e-file

well it costs a little bit more right

you pay 30 bucks to e-file

or you can just print and mail it

do you also pay for the rapid return

no that's a scam

just wait for your fucking money

don't pay for the rapid return

they take like 25% out of it

please leave your message for

No answer from the gays.

I got to pee really bad.

Anyway, this is the first time in 11 years that I've had to pay.

I actually have to pay quite a bit for taxes this year.

It sucks, man.

Oh, you messed up your, you messed up on your, yeah, your declarations there.

Plus, you're married, too, dude.

So you should, like, kick some of that marriage shit in there.

I guess so.

Hey, I got to pee, Milkman.

I got to go.

Cool, man.

I got an E, so if we could get one more E, man, what do we got?

A jug full of piss.

Right now we just have to pay.

All right, dude.

Play a call, man, and hurry up and go piss, man,

or whip the jug out and just, like, obscure the camera for a moment.

All right, cool.

But here's a prank call.

We'll turn around and just show your banner to the camera

and then piss in the jug and get it over with.

It'll be over in about 30 seconds.

Yeah.

Is KDK still sad that he got attacked?

Dude, I have not even went and looked on Facebook yet.

I think you told me to do this last week or some shit, and I have not.

I completely forgot about it.

Really, dude, I forgot he got hurt, man.

Yeah, this guy came into his house and went, ooh, like that.

I was like, oh, oh.

Was he on air when it happened, dude?

Is there, like, audio?

Is there, like, actual audio anywhere?

That shit didn't happen.

Some guy broke into his house to cut him live on the air.

No, no.

Look, I got to take a piss.

So here's having a fit, which I was thinking about earlier today.

Shut up.

Let's have a fit.

Right on the phone.

Talk to me, these malls.

Hello?

Hello, woman.

Yes, hi.

Could you please transfer me to a man?

Mm-hmm.

Just not a woman?

No, I mean...

What do they, um...

What do you do there?

Hotel operator.

Uh-huh.

And then, where's the cas...

Huh?

The casino house?

Well, I have problems with the casino, the pit boss, so I'd like to talk to you.

Okay, so...

So, who would you like...

I'm making a complaint about the hotel operator.

Okay, hold on one second.

Okay, thank you.

I'm making a complaint about the hotel operator.

Indulge yourself with a mouth-watering menu at River Buffet.

You'll enjoy your meal.

Listen, I asked to speak specifically to a man at the beginning of my conversations to your organization.

Okay, can I get what room you're in?

No, I want to speak to, I only give that information to a man.

Well, the only teacher available is myself, and I'm a woman.

Well, who's the highest-ranking gentleman there?

There isn't one on duty tonight.

How long have you been working for the county?

I don't want to work with this, you know, woman like that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Sorry?

I mean, if you don't know what's going on, like, you don't know how to handle situations and stuff.

You better go talk to a man.

Any situation that any man is...

That's nice, honey.

That's nice.

Okay, honey, that's nice.

This is Dolores at your service.

Hey, Big Dolores.

What do you say there, tits?

Hey, can you get me through to Kelly?

Is her name Kelly, the polite white manager girl?

Hold on.

Hey, listen.

Listen, remember when I told you that I didn't want to talk to a woman, not that I wanted to talk to a man?

How come I didn't talk to a woman again?

Who's the man?

Tell me.

I like you, Dolores.

We're okay, all right?

I wasn't listening.

I was making pee-pee.

Milkman, did I have a fit yet or no?

Not yet, no.

It's still in the calm phase, but it's getting warmed up.

The pain is starting to go up.

That's my favorite part where you have, you know, when he has a fit, he goes,

Listen, this isn't fair.

This isn't fair.

What is...

Keep getting put around and transferred around, speaking to women and all this stuff.

What's going on?

What's your deal?

Who are you talking to?

This is core cybersecurity.

I'm not for security.

Why am I talking to you?

Well, who are you calling for?

This is Valente.

I called to get information about some, you know, money that got misplaced that I lost,

and I got transferred to a woman who shouldn't be very rudely,

and I wanted to call back and make a complaint against her.

And then Dolores, who I think is, you know, has got something going on with this old woman,

you know who Dolores is?

Bless her heart.

She sounds like a nice, sweet old lady, but the woman mis-transferred me, and I got hung up on it.

Apparently, I'm supposed to speak to the beverage manager on duty.

Okay.

The first thing that I want to ask you, we have a centralized Vegas.

Which one are you trying to call?

I was speaking with Dolores, and she had all the information and all figured out.

We talked for 10 minutes.

She figured it out and everything.

Okay.

So are you telling me that I have to give you all this information again?

Because if I do, I'm going to have a fit right now on the phone.

I'm going to have a fit.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm going to get so sick.

Sick to my stomach.

Go ahead.

You through?

What the fuck, man?

Oh, man.

That's classic.

That's bullshit, man.

I love the fit.

The Corey fit is a classic, man.

You incorporate that every so often.

That would be hilarious, too, because it's just hilarious when you just flip them out.

Look, I'm not kidding.

My dad used to seriously do that when he got really mad.

He started going

Foo

Flipping the Tourette's

No he would just yell

Really loud

Foo

Like one

He'd just do it once

But if he

Yeah

Mumbling shit

Under his breath

Yeah

Cussing

No he would just say

Foo

Like that

Like it was like

Shut the fuck up already

Kind of thing

And uh

That's where I got that from

But I took it to another level

Cause I'm just sitting there

Foo

That was good

Mauling over

There's another fit coming up

Hang on I'm gonna hear the other one

This one's funny

The next one's funny

Sick

Alright

This isn't fair

But if you talk to me, then there's not really any reason for us to talk on the phone.

Go ahead.

What do you have to say?

Well, the first thing, I was trying to ask you, which property are you trying to get a hold of?

I want to make sure you have the right property.

The Aquarius.

For the fifth time tonight, you know, can I curse?

Is that okay, or should I not curse?

No, because I'm not going to talk with you, okay?

I have a curse.

Don't accuse me of cursing.

I'm just telling you before I do.

No, I'm not going to put up with it.

I'm trying to help you.

You can either cooperate with me or not.

At this point, I'm past caring whether you want to cooperate with me or not.

That's what I was waiting for.

That second fool.

I think there's another one when he answers the phone.

I like how it's like, are you done making noises?

Oh, man.

Fool.

Good times.

All right, here's the next prank call.

Enjoy.

Buffalo shit restaurant.

Anyway, I let that ring out for way too long.

Here's a redneck guy.

A redneck guy who, what now?

Want to come party in Myrtle Beach for the weekend, can't find a ride.

We are Myrtle Beach's number one limo shuttle service machine.

Oh, shit, that's Redneck City, man.

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, man.

There's a bunch of redneck shit down there, man.

I remember when I drove through South Carolina, it was all wood.

To go to Myrtle Beach, you got to go to a shitty road.

They don't even have a real interstate there.

if you want to go there there's like this real long ass bullshit ass out of the way way you got

to go really but driving through there's like all these like farms and cows and piles of shit and

woods and then i look over there in the middle of it all there must have been like fucking a

must have been a mile i'm going to say maybe a mile or every bit close of a mile on each side

square at least two of these motherfuckers just sitting there surrounded by trucks like 18

wheelers back then there's a freaking walmart transport uh hub oh yeah myrtle beach huh it was

massive dude this was in the 90s man so i can only imagine what's going on now man they got

them dropped everywhere they got a target one now little shithole place like that you know where no

one you know really wants to go to and they can pay a farmer a little bit of money and take over

shit man and then they got all these big ass truckers coming in on this unused road yeah

Yeah, it was a trip, dude.

Yeah.

Anyway, Myrtle Beach.

Yeah, man.

That's the Redneck Riviera.

Hello.

Hey, I wanted to go to Myrtle Beach in one of your car shuttle machines,

and we can drive down there and have a party, you know?

Oh, where you at?

Oh, well, what's your range for pickups?

That's my curiosity.

Or maybe you just take me out from Myrtle Beach somewheres, you know?

Oh, where are you going to?

Where are you coming from?

Well, I'm in Myrtle Beach.

I'm curious as to where this is going.

somewhere fun to go around here in Myrtle Beach.

I want to go around, you know, and see the things.

Are there any pretty ladies around here?

Where are the pretty ladies at?

Well, your best bet is probably just go to Broadway.

But if you call the number three number,

he'll be able to get you in touch with somebody because I'm all for that.

Fool, fool, fool, fool, fool.

Huh? Hello?

I don't know why I even did that.

I wanted to get a weird reaction to fool.

Cool. Here's the other number then. 843-3. That's the number. 843-3.

I know I usually don't get the phone numbers out, but that's a fun one.

3-3-3-3-3. That's cool, dude. I've seen that number in San Francisco, and every time I drive through there, I see that number.

Wow, man.

Taxi this Jim.

Hey, this is the taxi machines.

What's this?

Is this taxi machines?

No, this is Jim with Absolute Taxi.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking for.

Jason was telling me to give you a call that you'd help me out.

You'd give me a deal.

Okay, and where are you at?

Well, I'm in Myrtle Beach.

I want to go somewhere.

I don't know.

I'm new.

You know, I just came in here for some golfing,

and I want to drive around and be taken where some pretty girls are at, you know,

or some pretty boys.

Okay.

Do you have any...

Okay, and where are you at right now?

I'm in Myrtle Beach.

I was just at the golf course, you know.

I'm at the Hilton right now.

At the Hilton?

Yeah, you want to come down and come up to my room?

You sit down with me and we talk.

The one with the big golf course, you know the one?

I didn't realize there were three.

Hang on, let me see.

Is it near Broadway?

I was near Broadway before, you know?

Broadway Street, that's where I saw Jason.

He was looking for men in Broadway Street.

And I came up, I tapped my foot, you know,

and we were talking for a little while, you know,

and we got to know each other, and he said to give this number a call

and that you guys would take me around to see some things.

Okay.

All right.

You know, all right, the paper here says it's the Hilton Myrtle Beach Resort,

and it's 10,000 Beach Club Drive.

Okay, that's the one in the area we call Restaurant Row area.

Is that a good area?

Am I in a good area here?

Oh, yeah, that's a nice area.

Are there any clubs?

There's a hotel there called the Royal Palms.

It's part of your facility.

Yeah.

Yes, that's right.

That's right.

The Royal Palms.

Yes, they were telling me about that when I was checking in.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, wow.

You know where I'm at.

All right.

Yeah.

So is there anywhere, like, where there are colored girls, you know?

I heard about the Southern Colored Women.

Is there anywhere like that?

Southern what women?

Colored women.

You know, the colored women, colored girls.

Are you talking about black?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is there anywhere where I can go see some of them?

There's no place like that other than the regular strip club down here.

There's no one that, like, catered to colored people, particularly?

No.

No?

No, down here, if you call them colored down here, they'll slap you.

I can tell you right now.

They'll do what?

They'll slap you.

Oh, really?

That's an insult down here.

Oh, well, that's, they're colored, though.

I don't understand.

They're colored.

Yeah, but they don't, they take that as an insult.

They like to be called black.

Oh, okay.

I thought black wasn't, like, was a bad thing to say.

You should say African-American or colored.

No, they don't.

They take that as an insult.

What about Negro?

They take that as an insult.

Oh, boy.

Do you like golfing?

Do you want to do golfing with me?

I like the way you sound, boy.

Well, I'm from Chicago, so, I mean, I'm not from here.

You're a nice little boy, I think.

I like you, boy.

Oh, sir, you know, maybe you ought to call Jason.

Listen, boy, Jason said to call you, all right?

He said you were a good boy now.

That's good

He doesn't seem

He doesn't seem careful

We lost him right away

I don't know what the fuck I'm calling him, boy

This is a stupid show

I'm just talking the weirdest, dumbest fucking shit

Dude, but it's funny because you're into

Into this really kick-ass

Crazy, like, esoteric mode here

And it's funny as shit because you're actually having fun

I'm liking it

Hey, you're pretty safe

I already missed your calls with your name and number

And a brief message and I'll get back to you

at the tone please record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press

one for more options to leave a callback number press five listen boy i was talking to your

partner there your your co-captain whoever that is that you told me to call and he was so mean

and nasty i've never experienced anyone being so mean and rude and nasty i wish people weren't like

that jason they're not like you you seem like a nice boy you seem like a nice man i just told

I told them I wanted to find some place with colored girls and some nice pretty colored girls, you know, around to sit down and talk to and have them grind on my leg, you know.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

8-4-3-5-0-3-4-5-6-5 is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

and I've got your partner, Jason, on the other line,

and he's not answering either,

but he sounds like he's got a tight little asshole on him when I talk to him.

So I look forward to meeting with both of you.

Thank you.

All right there, Jason.

Well, I'm going to let you go too, man.

You have yourself a good night.

Bye.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1 to listen to your message.

Press 2 to erase and rerecord.

Press 3, message review.

Listen, boy, I was talking to your partner there,

your co-captain, whoever that is that you told me to call,

and he was so mean and nasty.

I've never experienced anyone being so mean and really nasty.

I wish people weren't like that, Jason.

They're not like you.

You seem like a nice boy.

You seem like a nice man.

I just told them I wanted to find some place with colored girls

and some nice people to show around.

Have them grind on my leg, you know.

I'm so uncomfortable with it.

Can I go to many boy's markets for fun?

This is still the voicemail, man.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

I've got your partner, Jason, on the other line.

And he's not answering either.

He sounds like he's got a tight little asshole on him when I talk to him.

So I look forward to meeting with both of you.

Thank you.

All right there, Jason.

Well, I'm going to let you go, too, man.

You have yourself a good night.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1 to listen to your message.

Press to send your message with normal delivery.

Press 1 to send your message with urgent delivery.

Thank you.

Your message has been sent.

Goodbye.

All right.

Left that message there for...

That was Jason that whole time.

I was just calling Jason.

Here's the next one.

You

stupid little boy, you.

All right, that number picked up and hung up really fast.

Assholes, right?

Not good.

Not good at all.

Moving right along, them bitches.

What's the area...

What's the area code where the Turkish horse is, Milkman?

Uh...

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, sir.

You're certainly welcome, my friend.

Asshole.

Onassis awaits you.

What is Onassis?

Do we have a name?

Or just hire Onassis?

Aristotle.

Onassis.

Aristotle Onassis.

Did you have my help here?

Yeah, I was looking to talk to Masram.

Excuse me?

What's his name again?

Magram.

Excuse me?

Hello?

Do you have Magram there?

Magram, is he there?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear you.

Can you speak more louder?

Magram.

magram you know hello i can't hear you you have my gram okay what can i get you i'm looking for

my gram the owner of magram you know what i mean magram the owner of magram you know who that is

excuse me i can't hear you can you speak more louder fuck fucking shit fuck fuck fuck fuck

hello you hear that you hear that i said fuck hello okay you want to order to go yeah one order

order to go okay so what's your order one fool i'm sorry what was that one fool i didn't get

that i need a fool one fool fool yes okay can you can you hold them hurry up okay just give me a

second okay roll with it dude yeah i'd like a large order what's that oh hello yeah i'm looking

for one order please sure yes what do you like one fool what do you want one fool what is that

Foo, foo, foo.

You know, I want foo.

I don't know about foo.

You want a high one?

That's a high one.

Give it to Carla.

You want foo?

Oh, that went down so quick, but so sweet.

Oh, man, bad medicine.

Oh, that was nice.

Bad medicine?

Are you serious this again?

No, man, it just got to my mind.

That was funny, man.

She's bad medicine, boy.

She took it right away.

Here, you got another dose, honey.

Oh, hell.

She don't like no fool.

All right.

I'm going to have to recon her, too, now.

I'm going to have to discover.

I hope she's not the little midget I saw walking around there with the real tiny head and the huge shoulders and about, like, three feet tall.

No, I heard she's sexy.

She has a nice little ass on her.

Okay.

Whoever that was, dude, all I could just barely see was just their shoulders and this, like, undersized head, man.

And I was like, what the fuck?

No, no, no.

She's got a nice little ass.

But serious, man.

It looked like you were installing that thing.

You know, and I saw another Turkish man, you know, probably in that same age range.

Dude, they all look kind of like that, man.

They all got kind of like grayed hair, got the glasses, and they all got that, like, look, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a common look, actually, I guess.

I mean, as I started seeing some of these Turks, I was looking around.

I was like, holy shit.

Did you get scared?

Well, actually, I did, man.

That's why whenever I parked and I, you know, I actually looked like I had, you know, vehicle trouble.

You made it look like you had vehicle trouble because you were scared?

Yeah, because I didn't want that motherfucker coming over there in high one and shooting a load on my windshield, man.

I wouldn't be able to see.

I'm going to put the dick in your horse's mother and shoot all over your windshield.

I don't know what the fuck that guy gets so angry about anyway.

He's a weird guy, man.

That's what's so funny, man.

And if you've seen him, you wouldn't believe.

Well, then, you know, I was thinking, like, some, like, dark-skinned, you know, big, dark-haired, like, cat with, like, you know, like, kind of a, you know, a mean look, you know, kind of maybe, you know, kind of tough looking.

Not at all, dude.

It was just a little midget little Onassis, dude.

Yeah, you think he's tall.

There's not a high one Onassis.

He's saying he's fucking.

He's a horny, horny.

He's saying all that shit, like, fucking, I'm a fucking horse or whatever, whatever the fuck he says.

I don't know.

And he starts into that whole Turkish like must be like a litany of like curses and stories talking about because he like and then he uses like broken English because I listened to some of it was like he was like using a little bit like broken English words and throwing them in and like, you know, it like as he paused like make a point.

And then he started begging blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and this is a little bit English.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I could listen to it like I almost get it, man.

Like, what the hell did he say?

I never got to see the transcript, man.

It's like Spanglish for Turkish.

Okay, that's what I thought.

Turk-er-glish.

Yeah, Turk-er-glish.

Okay.

Bored.

We could do, like, just offline and, like, sequences of deep MF tones.

And, like, do, you know, certain patterns.

You did them, like, on the computer, man.

You just, like, tap them all out and just, like, play them really quickly.

Did you remember actually getting the brute force crack on him, man?

Okay.

Nice, man.

Very cool.

I don't know if we tried to call Philip yet.

Let's try Philip.

He's got a pickup truck, and he's looking to get rides in his pickup truck.

I got a pickup truck.

He's got a Ford truck.

He's a Ford truck man.

I'll be a Ford truck man.

I pick what I drive.

I've got no boundaries.

No compromise, motherfucker.

You know, Milkman.

Please leave your message for Philip.

Okay, I'm going to take a ride with him.

That was weak as hell

Can you imagine him

Telling him to play the guitar while he's driving

That's for sure, man

Playing the guitar while he's driving

Yeah, man, he's

He crashes

Mr. Meat's fin

Let's see him spin a neck on that

Big Lonesome's girls here

Alright

Please leave your message for

that's our new theme song right there cut cut to the point nice short theme song that was so

hey man great we'll save that and you do that in our promo that'd be excellent so weak anyway

uh here's a guy whose partner and him are looking for someone to give them

i already talked about these guys i wanted to ride from charleston to atlanta they didn't answer

Never mind.

Would they be willing to share the seat with you?

Here's one.

Don't just get a cab.

Get a ride from this guy.

They got a Mercedes that they're using for this.

A Mercedes, a Yukon Denali, or a Lincoln Town Car.

Call and book your next ride, motherfucker.

Sounds fucking awesome.

That's better.

Yeah.

Yes, hi.

This is car machine, taxi machine.

Taxi machine?

Yeah.

This is a taxi company, sir.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking for, a taxi machine company, and I need a ride.

I was talking to Jason at another company, and he said that I was a stupid,

and he said that I can't get picked up and taken anywhere.

Where are you?

I'm at the airport.

Oh, you're at the airport right now?

Yeah, and then you come pick me up and take me to Hilton, Hilton Resort.

Oh, where? The Hilton Resort?

The stupid.

Okay.

Yeah, and then one fool, you know, you send the fool.

Yes, I'm here.

Send me a car.

Send me the foo, okay?

Foo.

Send you.

Foo.

So the foo-foo, you know?

You send foo?

You are at the airport now?

Yeah, and I need you to go foo.

Foo-foo.

Foo-foo what?

Foo-foo, you know?

With the car?

No.

You take a car and you go foo-foo, foo-foo, you know?

Hello?

Yeah.

Get in the car and you go foo-foo, like that, you know?

Hi, are you guys dark skin or light skin?

Then he hung up.

Stupid.

Yeah, get in the car and hit the steering wheel and make it go foo-foo.

I'm fucking retarded tonight, man.

Foo-foo.

You almost caught her.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, foo-foo.

What is it, y'all, motherfuckers?

Don't be like that, sweetie.

Hi, ponietta.

La mira.

La mira, right.

Okay, whatever that means.

I don't know why that guy's so upset.

I mean, that girl.

That is a girl.

uh maybe if you don't you don't speak like much of one more like a sailor yeah no shit

oh fuck yeah excellent music man which what movie was this from debbie does dallas

ah that's why it seems familiar remember watching this one oh yeah that was a youthful faps there

that was in the days of you know the wonderful and you know new vhs technology i guess so all

right i just wanted to mention to the guys that did the show friday night i cracked my ass off

up with the casting call fucking prank calls that they were doing and the one that took 10 minutes

and everyone in the chat room was involved it was like a big shootout between rbcp and well it wasn't

a tux ice goose and polka were sitting around the fireside having a chat and there were hoagies

slapping polka and then rbcp showed up in a trench coat and just started shooting everyone

in the chat room or stabbing them in the neck including you milkman oh that crazy ass geod

story man yeah that guy's mental it's hilarious and in the end sloth was jerking off in the end

sloth was jerking off to the story because he it was oh my god sloth was jerking off he was

He was filming his latest episode of bellyboner.com.

Yes, belly boner.

Nice.

Yeah, man.

That's fucking wicked.

Here's someone who needs a three-bedroom apartment, trailer, or house to rent as soon as possible.

Okay, here we go.

Dude, that's what's awesome about Ring of Fire, man.

Look at what you can do after a couple days of training.

You can find it.

Yeah.

Bellyboner.

There was a rumor in the chat room that you dropped acid tonight.

Is that true?

Did you drop acid tonight?

Oh, man, it's far out, man.

The collars are intense, man.

Every time Kenner's types on the screen, it explodes in collars, man,

like red all through my eyes, man, and it's burning my mind.

Okay.

Billy Badass says the Lakers won.

That sucks.

I was hoping they missed the playoffs.

No, they got one more game to go.

They can lose that, but Utah has to win two straight now.

We've got to know Kobe Bryant.

It would be awesome if they lose.

It would be awesome.

It would be great retribution for me being a Magic fan

and Dwight Howard being over there if they miss the playoffs altogether.

Yeah, it's funny, guys, because I'm actually a little bit awake.

Normally I'm tired now, and I'm real quiet.

I'm very tired and awake.

Well, Lonesome is ascending in numbers.

I don't know what's going on.

Maybe he's porking his girlfriend.

Lonesome's girl is in the house.

Maybe they're having a little PM here.

Hey, lonesome's girl, lonesome brother.

Maybe he's porking.

Number's getting mad.

They're porking right now.

That's why we're not getting numbers.

They've got their own channel, don't they, man?

Aw.

It's called pork.

Order it, kid.

All right.

Someone's selling a horse-drawn carriage.

Perfect for use in parades.

Yay.

There we go.

A horse-drawn carriage.

carriage perfect for parades my wife wanted to get a horse-drawn carriage to take us on our

wedding day from the church to the reception and i said if we did that i was gonna let her go by

herself because i was taking the fucking limo you can go bitch on the fucking horse a handsome cab

that is classic before you know kick the shit out of that horse that's what you had to do

get on the ride real quick i'd bring fireworks and let them off behind the horse so you go running

it's like if you think i'm going through downtown on a fucking horse with traffic

behind us honking their horns because we're pulling up traffic because my fat ass is sitting

on a horse-drawn carriage you got another thing coming to you i ain't gonna do that

That shit.

Nunu is stuttering his ass off, bro.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Webcam, webcam, webcam.

Okay, UK calls.

He is going crazy.

Who cares about the UK?

UK.

Yeah, UK gay.

We want some UK gay calls.

Wake up!

Put your teeth back in.

All right, be quiet, milkman.

This is Big Ben calling.

Shut up your mouth.

Here's a guy who delivers medical equipment.

Call from a hospital.

hospital tell him a machine went out on a patient holy shit dude that's a whore that's jay boy

sending in that request tell him a machine went out on the patient cpap machine leave me a message

fuck you dan motherfucker all right we got a little more numbers from lonesome loser but

new news making a big deal that he wants us to call the uh webcam numbers the university the

You see him in the chat, man.

He's flipping out, man.

The tyrant is going off, man.

Henry VIII is eating it.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

No shit, Henry VIII.

All right, let me look for the number then.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in the deep, dark jungles of Africa.

His name was Little Sambo.

So he sent in a number for room 8148.

What's he want us to do?

Hang on.

Bunch of live cams.

Here we go, nooner.

First thing, whiter.

Get people from one room to go to the other.

and we have the webcams okay all right uh let's do this thing this is the worst webcam at hotels

no they're uh they're at a uh purdue university i don't know these are dorm rooms or what exactly

well this is computer science building like other games or something man hang on 46 he sent me room

46 and 48 i don't see that i want to see this though if i'm gonna call oh here we go let me

Let me pull up the cams.

46 in front of me.

Let me get 48 in front of me.

Okay, so I got the webcam here in front of me.

There's a kid spinning around in a chair.

He's being lazy.

They're probably all playing Starcraft, Milkman,

because that's a cool game to play.

What else would you be at the university this late?

That's what I would do back then, back when I went to UCF.

Aiming me in, Scotty.

The late 90s.

That's all we did.

We were sitting there in a computer lab playing Starcraft.

He picked up the phone and hung it up.

You saw what he did?

he got up he picked up what is his problem what an asshole i saw him get up pick up the phone

and then like he he did the whole thing where you go like this you know he did that move what

do you call that what do you call doing that with your hands uh good ribbons like wiping the dust

off your hands dusting your hands off like good riddance to bad rubbish yes fucking the hand

dusting there's a fucking chink that did it it's a fucking jap he's sitting there now looks like

Look, he's Korean.

Here's a black guy getting up.

Maybe he's taking the jizz and he's spreading it on his hand palms liberally then.

What?

He picked it up and hung it up.

The black guy picked it up and hung it up.

Why is he picking up the phones and hanging them up like that?

God damn it, boy.

Watching him.

They're getting all pissed off.

They're trying to get quiet.

Yeah, he picks it up and hangs it up, asshole.

Hey, asshole.

Hey!

you hear him fucking dickhead this guy yeah the cat got loose

they can't hear me kitty cat yeah i like that kitty cat man that's cool man i heard her

well dobby boy they picked they picked up the phone and left it off the hook i can hear him

talking shit about it yeah i hear him called 50 times i didn't call 50 times i called three times

Yeah, that's a real meltdown.

A quiet meltdown.

Let's see what they're saying.

He said they're going to hang it up and see if he calls us back.

What a bunch of dickheads.

All right, let me call the room next door then.

If I can find it.

Here we go.

Hello?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

I'm calling from number 46 over here next door.

What's up?

Hey, can you bring that copy of StarCraft from over here?

Can you bring it over to our next door?

It needs to go over there on the main station.

Can I bring a copy of StarCraft over?

Yeah, we have it over here.

It needs to be left over there on one of the tables for the people that are coming in tomorrow for the competition.

And you're in room 46?

Yeah.

All right.

Could you just pick it up and just leave it on probably in the back table?

Who is this?

Oh, this is Cross.

This is Cross.

I'm calling from the staff

it's very important that we get this

they're having a LAN party competition machine tomorrow

alright can you come pick it up

I'm not going to be here much longer

I gotta leave it's top of the hour

by next door you mean like the lab right next to me right

yeah yeah 46

I don't mean to be a jerk

but can you just walk it over

no I'm not allowed to leave my station

that's why I just

do you mind do me a favor thanks buddy

alright yeah

I should have told him to

hang up the phone

also.

And now let's be quiet and listen and see if we can hear

him. Here he is.

How do you change rooms?

I only got the one here.

There he is.

Hey Ken, be quiet.

The guy's coming in looking for StarCraft.

I think it's on the left.

It's on the left.

Is it?

Tell the phone call

to bring StarCraft

over to the left.

They said, what are you talking about?

He went all the way and he asked everyone if anyone was the individual who ordered StarCraft.

They're fucking stupid, man.

Anyway, I should have told them to put that phone back on the hook, though.

That would have been even better, but oh well.

make a waste of this one-time loss.

I really hope it's just like a

not really a freeze. It's just like,

okay, you guys are here.

I really don't know.

I mean, I could work on it on my computer

and use it.

I'm running a little jam.

They're complaining about it.

Trying to get my shit done.

Okay.

There they're all bitching about it.

That's really funny.

Anyway, okay.

We'll keep that all in the background there.

Maybe they'll come back to it at some point.

In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, let's do another call here.

here uh well wait a minute what's this there's a guy in harkington hall tell him there's a problem

at the oh okay never mind we already did that hey anyway ken how you doing there big guy

oh fuck yeah fuck yeah man fuck yeah all right here's uh yogurt land in guam

Ooh, fantastic.

Yeah, canners, canners, oh, fuck yeah.

I'm a big milkman in a fucking yogurt land.

All over his face.

Hey, Yogurt Land, how much does it cost to get yogurt all over the face?

All over the face, all over the tits and face,

or maybe on the ass, you know, cover up the ass, glaze those.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't really understand.

I want to glaze my wife's hams with some yogurt, you know.

So you're going to purchase one cup of yogurt?

How much do you think it will take to glaze my wife's hams with it?

You know what I mean?

Glaze them hams nice and over.

Oh, baby, man.

I guess like three cups of yogurt, maybe two.

Is the yogurt chunky?

Yeah, maybe two.

Yeah, man, I want to glaze my wife's ass, and do you want to watch while I do it?

No, I'm good.

That's my wife's hams.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'll glaze them.

Yeah.

Here's Ken

He's a pervert

Oh fuck yeah

I'm gonna watch you glaze his wife

You wanna watch?

Nope I'm good

You pull up a chair right next to me

I could probably touch you

You touch me we watch the show

No that's okay

No milkman's gonna sit in

It's gonna be fucking great

Come on

Oh fuck

Well um

Maybe you'll put your mouse, I insert something, it'd be great.

Okay, no, it's okay.

Then we go to Circle K.

We're going to have to use the credit card machine, so I'm going to have to hang up the phone.

No, no, no, you're not allowed to use it.

We're going to go to Circle K and have a circle jerk.

All right.

How are you?

Thanks for the talk, John.

How are you doing?

Speaking, would you like to hear a special?

Yeah, is this the stupidest Papa John's in the world?

I'm sorry, sir?

Is this the stupidest Papa John's in the world with stupid people, or what is it?

I'll have to make an order, please.

Okay.

Okay, for pickup or delivery, sir?

For pickup.

Can you give me the contact number, sir?

Yes, it's 633-9595.

Okay, under what name, sir?

What do I want? What did you say?

Under what name?

Oh, put that under cross.

What's that noise? What's the noise going on?

Okay, cross, what would you like for today, sir?

I want one large pepperoni light sauce.

Would you like that with original cross or king grass?

Original, okay. You got it? One full?

Foo?

Yes, one full pepperoni, light sauce, original crust.

One full?

One full pepperoni, yes, sir.

No, one foo.

One foo.

Sorry?

Foo, foo, foo.

You know, one foo.

You need to get that.

No, I'm sorry, sir.

Can I get one foo?

Foo?

Yeah, foo.

Full pepperoni, large?

No.

What about papay people?

Papay people?

No, papay people.

Papay people.

Foo?

Sorry, sir, we don't have that here.

You don't have papay people?

Papay people?

Papay people, yeah.

Yeah, that's when you come, you put a peephole in the men's room and you look inside the hole

and it looks into the women's bathroom and you see them sitting on the toilet doing their business,

pulling out their tampons and doing their business, you know?

No, I'm sorry, we don't have that. We don't do that here.

Do you have a hole in the bathroom so you can look at the girls doing their business on the toilet?

No, I'm sorry, sir.

And if it's a dirty girl, she can look back and look at you in the hole in the bathroom.

Are

the men's room and the women's room next to each other, or are they separated?

They're next to each other, sir, but there's no hole, I guess.

Can I put a hole in the wall with a drill so I can look in there and see those Asian women in there

urinating and defecating and using the bathroom and washing their hands?

Do women go in there a lot and change their clothes?

I don't know of any information of that, sir.

Do you have employee women that go in there to use the bathroom?

And you watch them with me?

Do you like any of the girls that work there?

We can watch them together in a little hall in the bathroom that I put in there for you to look.

I want you to look at the girls, and I want you to see what they're doing when they do their business.

Come on. Let's do it. Let's do this.

I won't tell anyone. I'll do all the work.

You just got to give me the bathroom.

Give me access to the bathroom.

I'm sorry, sir. We don't do that here.

Can I just use the bathroom, then?

You can use the bathroom, but we don't put holes in the bathroom.

Is there a power outlet in the bathroom?

No, sir.

Is there one outside that I can connect an extension cord?

Yes, that's for company use only, sir.

Yeah, but just don't... I want you to... I want to use this. I can put a hole inside the bathroom wall, you know?

No, I'm sorry, sir.

What's the wall?

Is it tile in the wall, or is it, um, what is it?

Is it cement wall or tile, or what is it?

It's cement, sir.

Oh, what do we think we should use to make a hole?

A drill, right?

Then we need a drill.

We need a nice, strong drill.

No, I'm sorry, sir.

We cannot allow that in the bathroom.

Oh, man, come on.

What about, can I put, can I put a drill on the back wall so I can look inside,

inside the right, inside the back of the pizza, inside the Papa John's,

I can look in the back, you know, and then you can bring a pretty girl back there, you know,

and kiss her and touch her and smell her hair and everything, and I can watch from outside.

I'm right there, but that's inappropriate right now.

Is there any girls there you want to touch and kiss while I watch from outside?

Can you do me that favor?

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Wow, all of a sudden he cut the line.

What happened?

He was involved.

involved i don't know why he stood on for so long i know man it's amazing how you do that man that's

always amazed me that's why you're truly truly truly an artist man hi thank you for calling

papa john steve speaking nice to hear a special person yeah i wanted to come in and i wanted to

use the bathroom i'm sorry i wanted to use the bathroom i want to put a drill a hole in the wall

so i can see the women's bathroom from the men's room and i'll go in there and watch the girls do

do their business in the toilet you know no you cannot do that sir um can i just use the bathroom

for maybe an hour can i just use the bathroom for a little while hello hello yes what's your

question i wanted to use the bathroom for a little while sir one moment okay what's up princess how

are you hi princess how are you what the fuck i'm calling her princesses outside of the fucking

She wasn't feeling very noble, I guess.

God, Princess is the straw that broke the back right there.

That big camel.

Jesus.

Papa Day, thank you for calling Papa John.

Our hours of operation are from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.

Well, it ain't working now.

You fucking shut him down.

I still got the...

Your buddy's jerking themselves off still at that school.

They're still at school.

I just wait for them to hang up so I can call them back.

I like how that guy went over.

That was really funny.

Like, what are you talking about?

The fuck is your problem, dude?

We don't have StarCraft here.

We're working.

Anyway, here's Pizza Hut.

Let's ask them about putting holes in the bathroom.

I like that question.

Tell them you were in the bathroom and then you saw some guy tapping his foot next door and then you heard a drill.

Thanks so much for calling.

This is Mercedes speaking for Pickle for Delivery.

Oh, hey, Princess.

How are you?

Hello?

I'm sorry.

Hi, Princess.

How are you?

I'm sorry.

Maybe I have the wrong number.

No, this is Pizza Hut.

Yes.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Do you have a bathroom there that I could use when I come pick up the pizza?

I'm sorry.

Do you have a bathroom, a toilet?

I'm sorry.

You're breaking up.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck.

Hello?

Oh, fuck.

Hello.

Fuck.

I need to take a shit.

I don't know why she's getting...

Are you getting an echo, Big Ken?

Uh, not that I can...

All right.

She was getting an echo.

There, there, there, there.

Uh, Mercedes speaking.

How can I help you?

Hey, can you hear me, Big Mercedes?

Yes.

Oh, how are you? Hi. I wanted to make an order.

Oh, this is for pickup.

Well, can I ask first? I'll give you the contact number.

Do you have a bathroom, public bathroom that I can use when I pick up?

Is this a restaurant or just a pickup location? Do you have seating there?

Oh, that's good. And then does the bathroom have an electrical outlet inside or no?

No.

I'm sorry.

The men's room don't?

No.

Okay, because I wanted to, like, see if it was okay if I could drill a hole from the men's room

so I could look inside the women's room and just watch the women when they do their business, you know?

Yes, sir.

That is very inappropriate.

One moment.

Okay.

We need to know her cup size immediately.

Bring an extension cord with you.

Bring a fucking janitor with me.

Probably fucking hug up.

Suckers.

All right, I'll call back.

There's no electrical outlet in the bathroom?

I'll bring a fucking extension cord, no problem.

Just bring them a key to it.

You don't need it.

That's a real man you use.

Thanks for our pizza.

I can help you.

Can I speak to the manager?

Because I was asking a question and the woman hung up on me.

Okay, I'm actually one of the managers, sorry.

Oh, how are you, princess?

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How about you?

Oh, I'm so good.

Yeah, I was asking her if there's an electrical outlet in the bathroom there.

If there's what?

An electrical outlet in the bathroom where the toilet is

for the men to go sit down on the toilet and push out their bowels.

Electrical?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you mean electrical?

Like somewhere you can plug something in.

Do you have that?

Okay, let me just charge for you to my hiring manager, okay?

Can you go inside the bathroom and look for me?

Bitch is fresh off a boat.

I almost cracked myself up there.

Oh, my God.

We need access to the power for medical.

cool i almost lost it talked about the bowels push out my bowels yeah

get her to say it to answer to our answer to a higher manager a higher power shit but we need

her cup size man so when she comes hey how are you big guy how are you doing all right hey do

Do you have an electrical outlet in the toilet where the bathroom is?

Electrical outlet for what?

You know, so I can plug in some things.

I wanted to plug in some things in the bathroom so I can make a hole in there.

I wanted to do some work.

Okay, what company is this?

Oh, I'm just a customer.

I'm a regular man, regular person.

I have a toolbox, and I have an electrical drill that is strong.

I don't understand what you're saying.

What company are you at?

I'm with Valente and Associates.

You work where?

Valente.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

And I want to put a hole in the bathroom wall so I can look from the men's room to where the women are using the bathroom.

Where are you at right now?

Oh, I'm not there yet.

I'm at the hotel.

I'm on the base.

You work for the next door?

Yeah, I'm at the base.

At the base?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you calling Pizza Hut?

Okay.

Okay. What bathroom are you going to work on?

Well, the men's room, the men's bathroom.

I want to go in there and drill a hole in the wall so I can look at the girls in the women's bathroom from the men's room.

I can watch them do their business.

So you want to look at the women's bathroom?

Yeah, from the men's bathroom without them knowing.

Well, why is that?

Well, I guess I want to look and see them go pee and poo-poo and all that, sit on the toilet.

Can I put an extension cord in

And move the

What if I have a generator

Get it

What they do

They fucking get the person that speaks the best English

On the bottom of the totem pole

And they get the two fuckers fresh off the boat

That are the managers

He hung up

Get him to answer

That's two piece of places

since we've closed down today on the phone so far.

All right, let's continue on.

We've got a lot of numbers to get to.

This is great.

Thank you, Lawsome Loser, you stupid asshole.

Hey.

Shit man.

Yeah, we still got that school connected.

They still left the fucking phone off the hook, the stupid fucks.

Man, they must not have passed that fucking class

hanging a phone up, you cocksuckers.

Stupid.

But I got to interrupt them.

I sent someone there to ask them for StarCraft.

So that works.

That's the highlight of the show so far, fucker.

This is Sherry speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I wanted to come in with a drill.

I wanted to use the bathroom with the drill.

I want to bring some tools in the bathroom.

Okay, one moment, okay?

All right, stupid.

Sherry, we're going to need your cup size.

Report now.

Oh, I need her cup size, yeah.

So we can fit her with that new fucking work shirt.

Her big natural breasts.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, hi?

Yes, I was talking to that girl who has the big natural breasts.

I'm sorry, sir?

Yeah, I wanted to come in and see if I'm making an order, but do you have a public bathroom there or no?

Yes, we do.

Okay, and does this seat just one person or two or more than one?

One person at a time, Chief.

One person at a time in the bathroom?

I'm sorry?

Can it only be one person in the bathroom at one time or more?

No, it's a big bathroom.

Oh, that's nice.

I wanted to go into the men's bathroom.

I'm sorry?

I want to go into the men's bathroom.

And then I want to drill some holes inside the partitions and in the walls

so I could look in the girls' bathroom.

You know?

You know what I mean?

Do you get pretty women that go there from the beach?

Calling the wrong place.

And you're talking to the wrong person.

No, this is Pizza Hut, damn it.

Right?

Yeah, but I don't deal with those.

I only deal with pizza, yeah?

Yeah, but I want to put a hole in the wall in the bathroom in Pizza Hut

so I can look at the women in the bathroom.

Okay, I'm sorry, sir.

I don't deal with this, yeah?

Okay, bye.

Who deals with it?

Yeah.

Stupid.

I don't deal with this, yeah.

Ask if you can spread pizza sauce on her ass.

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, have you heard from Jen recently?

No.

That's three pizza places we've had got to not answer the phone anymore tonight.

All right.

They don't seem to be taking orders here, Mano.

I don't get it, man.

This is a coincidence?

I guess so, because I'm sitting there talking about drilling holes in the bathroom wall.

Here's William.

I'm not even getting to the order anymore.

William Boutte.

He's in the UK.

I'm going to do this prank call, and then I'm going to have to go get some water to drink, you know,

and a cup, and then maybe get some pizza or a sandwich.

Some French bread pizza.

Yeah, toasted mashed potato sandwich.

Shut up.

I don't ever want to hear you say that again, William Booty.

Hello?

I don't want you to get on talking that stupid nonsense about mashed potato sandwich anymore.

All right, there we go.

William Booty.

Hello?

That was you, Milkman.

Marley's going to fucking tell his buddies about that call.

That's what Milkman sounds like when I call him when he's sleeping.

I won't even remember.

Hello?

hey jen jenny

jen

jen's stupid

he's not talking

oh hey jen

fresh back from archery training

man god darn it man

welcome back

jen you ever do a wheelie with your

your fucking thing

you know what I'm saying

with your motorcycle

you ever do a wheelie

I don't own a motorcycle

cycle. You're an asshole. You're UK

Ted. I hope you die. Why'd you do that?

Why'd you do that, UK Ted?

I wanted to see if you could tell

the difference, because we all sound the same.

We do sound the same. No, I can tell the

difference. That's really rude of you.

You're banned. Milkman,

ban him from the chatroom right now. UK Ted's not

allowed to ban you. Alright, man, right now, you're banned.

Man, you're busted. I'm banned. And you're banned.

Alright, I was in the middle of getting up to

get something, UK Ted. Can I do that?

Would you like me to get it for you? No, no.

know you stay there and try to find jim stewart for us because i'll sit here and be pretty okay

thank you you learned you learned well man how are you anyway well i thought you were done i thought

you had to go back to the base and shoot or shoot uh people and stuff murder people you're shooting

rape people yeah weeks oh good good all right man well good enjoy your stay i'll be right back

Okay.

I'm a motherfucker.

I haven't heard that prank before.

I'm glad you like it.

Did you dig the Friday Night by the Fire show where they were interviewing people and this guy was unknowingly doing fucking prank calls?

I don't think I caught that part of it.

I missed it here.

No, he sat there for a good half hour, 40 minutes doing prank calls where he thought he was talking to someone in the crew.

Really?

And he was actually calling these different restaurants and shit, doing prank calls.

It's like, no, no, don't let John push you around, man.

When we call him back, tell him he's a fucking asshole for talking to you like that.

Oh, so they were like, okay, I gotcha.

Anyway, so I heard the one, there was a black guy, I guess,

who they told they were going to do a Columbine remake.

Oh, the dude from Detroit?

right he was on from the time i started getting ready to go to work until i actually had gotten

dressed got in the car and gotten to work and they were still talking to that fucking guy

sitting in the parking lot of work listening to him he kept asking if he had a problem with like

another male putting a gun to his head like putting their dick in his mouth he's like i

could do it man yeah yeah he was like i'll do whatever we're asked we're talking well we weren't

i'm sorry i i put that idea the one that you just said if you had he's like oh i'll do it they had

a whole bunch of them a whole bunch of weird shit they asked him if he would do creamy like really

fucking loud and like everyone's like god he lives in detroit nobody will give a fuck yeah it's true

it's true anyway domino's pizza motherfucker detroit pistons got pissed on oh hi you guys

have a steak there is it the delmonico steak machine hello you're shit i'll call you back

Asshole

And I don't have any controls

Yeah uh

Real bad echo

And I've lost control of stuff

Ooh yeah really bad echo

Those assholes at the school they're fucking manipulating us

Yeah I've been muted for a bit

Because of echo

Oh man I hung up on the school number

In an accident

Nah they left it busy

Left it off the hook it'll be like that for the rest of the fucking night

What a bunch of dicks

All right, let's try Delmonico again, see if there's no echo this time.

Hey, buddy, how are you?

What's up, man?

You hear me okay now, man?

Yes.

Oh, that's good.

Listen, do you guys have steak, Delmonico steak, or are you just called Delmonico?

We're called Delmonico.

Oh, do you have a steak then, stupid?

Sorry?

Do you have a stupid steak?

A stupid steak?

No, I'm sorry.

No, just a steak.

Do you have a steak?

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Do you have a steak?

Yes, we do.

Okay, do you have a toilet there that I can use when I'm visiting?

No, I'm sorry.

I mean, the hotel has a restroom.

Okay, and can I bring the food into the restroom?

No, sir.

If you take it to go, then I guess you can.

Yeah, there's no problem as I want to go have my meal and sit down in the toilet and eat my meal.

By all means, sir, as long as you can take it to go, it's fine.

Is there a handicap stall or no?

Sorry?

Is there a handicap station?

I need a little extra room for the elbows, you know?

I think it is handicap accessible for the rest of the patients.

Okay, and then I want to drill a hole in the wall.

Is there an outlet in the bathrooms there, like a power outlet that I can use?

I'm not too sure.

Because I want to put a little hole in the wall so I can look into the girls' bathroom,

to a women's bathroom, you know, and watch them.

Okay, sir, this is kind of getting appropriate.

So if you have something to ask, you know, I don't think you should call back anymore.

Yeah, but do you think it's okay if I take my meal in there and watch the women?

Then you should call the hotel lobby, sir, and they can answer your questions.

Do you have a number I can call, buddy?

Sorry?

Do you have the number, damn it?

You can look it up online.

No, it's not coming up.

Oh, I don't have the number. I'm sorry.

Okay, but come on, man.

Help me out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I want to put a hole and look at the pretty women.

That was good.

You should have thrown in somewhere in the story,

asking if the bathroom door is big enough to get your rascal scooter through.

And you need the outlet to charge your scooter.

Yeah, and they'd be like, oh, no, actually, it's for the drill.

I got an idea with the rascal scooter, but they got to answer.

Oh, shit.

We have four or five restaurants down now.

I haven't really.

The goddamn commercial says I can go anywhere, but I can't go in your goddamn bathroom.

It's about time that I think I'm going to do a Jack Masterson call.

It's been a while.

I got an idea for Jack here.

This is what our buddy Jack's been doing.

I heard they had to reinforce Jack's fucking scooter, though.

Oh, well.

Hello, and thank you for calling your 24-hour Super Kmart store.

For electronics, press 1.

Pharmacy, press 2.

Human resources, press 3.

Otherwise, press 0 to speak to an operator.

transferring please hold okay hello hey this is jack can you hear me hello you hear me yes may

help you my name is jack and i want to know if you have handicapped accessible store because

i'm in a motorized rascal scooter um okay let me transfer you to our customer servicer

Sir, can you hold it, okay?

Fuck.

Good afternoon, Sir Pistachio.

How are you?

Hello.

Hi, this is Jack.

How are you?

I'm okay.

What can I do for you?

Well, I'm in a motorized rascal's wheelchair scooter, you know?

Hello?

I'm in a motorized wheelchair rascal's scooter wheelchair.

Hold on.

Fuck.

We're getting that echo again.

God damn it.

Shit.

I'll hang up and call back.

This is how can I help you?

Hi, do you hear me?

Hello?

I was talking to someone about, is this place handicap accessible?

Regarding the registers or?

The bathroom and the aisles and the register.

The registers are, it's handicap accessible.

The aisles are handicap accessible to ride the, if you want to ride the, you know, the wheelchair cart, yes it is.

Oh, I have my own rascal scooter, wheelchair, you know?

Yes, it is, honey.

What about the bathroom?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

So I can drive into the bathroom and park the wheelchair, scooter, and get out, and I can sit in the toilet?

Yes.

And I can go to the toilet, use the toilet, defecate, urinate, and everything, and then clean myself and flush the toilet?

it and then can i wash my hands yes i want to wash my hands with soap then what i want to do

is i want to get in my scooter in my wheelchair hello uh hold on sir hold on i want to go

hi i want to use the bathroom but i need to use my rascal scooter i have a motorized wheelchair

I can barely hear you.

I want to use my wheelchair in the bathroom.

You're picking up.

Fuck.

Hello?

Shit, fuck, shit.

Hello?

I want to use my toilet.

The what?

My scooter, my wheelchair.

I am so sorry, but I can barely hear you.

I want to use my wheelchair.

Okay, you want to use your wheelchair for what?

I want to go to the bathroom.

You want to use your wheelchair to go to the restroom?

Yes.

I want to make sure that it's accessible.

And then in the bathroom, I get out, and I sit in the toilet,

and I pull down my pants and underwear and sit on the toilet.

I'm asking about using the bathroom if it's handicap accessible.

Well, damn it.

Listen, I want to use the toilet.

Okay.

So is it handicapped because I have a wheelchair, a motorized electric wheelchair?

Oh, yes, yes, we do have.

Then I use the toilet.

I pull down my pants and underwear and sit on the toilet.

Hello?

Where are you at?

I'm in the parking lot.

I want to come inside and use the toilet.

I want to sit on the toilet with my pants and underwear and my feet pulled down on the floor.

Hello?

Yeah, is there enough room for me to pull down my underwear and pants and sit down on the toilet?

Sir, I am so sorry, but you don't have anybody with you?

No.

Okay, because we don't do that.

We can't do that kind.

I don't want to do that.

I just want to use the toilet if I can bring in my motorized wheelchair, you know, my electric wheelchair.

chair sure you can and use the restroom sure why not is there enough room for me to turn around and

pull down my pants and my underwears i believe so okay and i sit on sit on the toilet and i push out

my bowels i clean my myself after with i guess that's a men's restroom but there is no one that

gonna be there to assist you we we we don't do no we can't do that but no i can then i take i clean

Clean myself with papers, you know, and flush the toilet?

Yes, you may.

All right.

And then I want to get back on my electric wheelchair and I want to tie a line to the

door handle and start driving and rip off the door.

Are you playing around, sir?

No.

I need to use the bathroom.

Okay.

So just come into the store and use the restroom.

Okay?

But there's nobody who can pull down my pants and underwears for me.

No, sir.

Sir, there is no assistance for that here in T-Mart.

I am so sorry.

Is there a machine that I can borrow?

No, there's no machine.

Is there any holes in the bathroom, in the wall, so I can look into the women's bathroom?

No, sir. No, sir.

Can I bring in unpaid merchandise?

No.

Just to try it. I want to bring in the Nintendo and a TV.

Is this a prank calling?

No.

Because it sounds like a prank calling.

No, I need to use...

I am sorry, anything else, you know, if anything is going to use the restroom, our restroom is available for you, okay?

Can you put me through to Human Resources? Because I want a job.

Excuse me?

I want to apply for a job. Can I talk to Human Resources?

Okay, we don't do it, but you need to go by the internet.

But I have questions. I have questions for Human Resources.

In order for you to apply, you need to go to www.kmar.com.

It's not for you.

It's not for you, stupid.

It's for a human resource I have to talk to, stupid.

Damn it.

Shit, damn it.

You understand?

Oh.

Damn it.

I'm sure there's a legal requirement to duty of care,

but they need to assist disabled customers.

So if you make a mess, it's their responsibility

if they're not providing facilities.

Yeah.

I want them to pull down the pants and underwears, you know?

It's not too much to ask.

I'm getting buns and pulled on my zipper.

That's going to wipe your ass.

Hello, and thank you for calling your 24-hour Super Kmart door.

For electronics, press 1.

Pharmacy, press 2.

Human resources, press 3.

Otherwise, press 0 to speak to an operator.

Hit the buttons and it'll go through.

Transferring, please hold.

Not a very Super Kmart.

They won't wipe your ass.

Super my ass.

Yeah, can someone at least just pull up my zipper for me?

What?

Can someone pull up my zipper for me?

Sorry, sorry, no.

Well, I'm handicapped and I'm going to use the bathroom and they said they don't have anyone who can help me.

I just need to be able for someone to pull up my zipper when I'm done, you know?

I'm so sorry, sorry, no.

Are you in the pharmacy?

I'm in the pharmacy, but I'm not the pharmacist.

Yeah, are you a pharmacy assistant?

Yes.

Oh, do you have, like, a bucket over there that I can use, that you can prescribe me,

that I can pull down my pants and underwear and I can squat over it and push out my feces inside the...

We should get to the toy department and start asking them.

You're not doing the Sharpie in the mouth anymore.

Those fuckers couldn't understand anyway, that's why.

I think I frustrated with it.

Oh, man.

You cocksuckers.

Push someone down.

As soon as we get rid of them,

I do have the number in Skype chat

for a fucking hover ride.

Hello, and thank you for calling

your 24-hour Super Kmart tour.

For electronics, press 1.

Pharmacy, press 2.

Human resources, press 3.

Otherwise, press 0 to speak to an operator.

Transferring, please hold.

I think we're going to Electronics.

I've been laughing all night.

Electronics.

Yes, hi, Electronics.

I was trying to see about a bucket that I could use for using the bathroom.

Hello?

Excuse me.

Yeah, hi.

I was talking to the pharmacy, and they were going to transfer me over to see if you could find a bucket that I can use to go to the bathroom in.

I want to call it back and start asking about vibrators after you're done.

Vibrators.

My old lady said to call you motherfuckers.

Jill in the chat room makes a good point.

She said it's about time for the UK to get up and do the work.

Thanks for calling.

You're on camera.

Yes, hi.

Are you in customer service?

One moment, please.

Where are you?

Electronics, bitch.

He's asking her.

Call and tell me you're in the bathroom.

I need a scooter and there's no toilet paper in the bathroom.

So what's Margaret Thatcher's problem?

She's dead.

That's funny, yo.

Come on, answer.

Answer, bitch.

Bitch.

I sent her some request prints about people wanting roommates for you.

Good, good.

No one's answered the phone anymore at this place.

Another place shut down.

They probably went across the fucking loudspeaker.

All employees, don't answer the goddamn phone.

Some drunk fucking Howley calling.

Hello, and thank you for calling your 24-hour Super Kmart tour.

For electronics, press 1.

Pharmacy, press 2.

Human resources, press 3.

Transferring, please hold.

I don't know why it is Carlito, but when you press it, it doesn't say nothing, but when I hit it, it does.

Yeah. Well, thank you.

Electronics.

Yeah, hi, electronics. You're transferring me over to someone about the bathroom?

Bathroom?

The toilet?

Hello?

Bitch.

Call K-Mark.

I'm calling about the toilet, please.

Hello?

Stop.

Hi.

Hi. Bye.

She hits buttons on me.

I think it's time for fucking White Devil.

Bathroom.

um wow we really stuck to that k-mart for a while here's a place that's simply food that

sounds simply stupid but everyone wants us to call the uk all right let's call a few uk

here guys is that the real ted webb webbo in the chat room i will presume so

ted webb's right here on the uh fucking line right now yeah you hear him he's in the chat

room and he's talking to us on skype dull all right proxy yeah yeah yeah good simulacron there

God damn it.

Milkman, I smoke drugs.

I love that, Dalton.

Drugs.

Ron, hello.

Hey, I'm doing drugs in the bathroom tonight.

Do you want to have some drugs with me?

Hello.

Okay.

I'm going to wake up.

Time to go to work.

Hello.

All right.

Hello.

Yeah, are you awake?

This isn't funny.

this is that's how i laugh where i come from i go all right i'm from ontario canada i go

oh she's angry guys she's angry at me her her uk ted she's angry i think that was my mom because

i woke her up oh how's your mom doing i haven't talked to her in a while she says hi oh hi mom

Mama Ted.

Okay, Robert Charnley.

Does anyone else want to talk to the UK, stupid?

How about you, UK Ted?

You're British.

You speak their language.

You all sound the same.

They probably recognize me.

Yeah.

Caulfield.

Motherfucker.

Oh, man.

You know what?

I'm going to buy some dental dams this week.

This week.

Dental dams.

Are they for Kenny Lingus?

Yep, yep.

Hey, how are you, buddy?

You awake?

Yeah.

It's me.

How you doing?

Who's that?

Oh, it's Cross.

Ross, I'm coming over, like you said, for some fried eggs and some porridge.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm coming over for some fried eggs and porridge and bacon.

I think you've got the wrong number.

How little for a day?

Yeah, yeah, how are you?

I'm fine.

I didn't know you were supposed to come for breakfast.

Well, that's what you guys said, to come over for breakfast, Robert.

And I wanted to come over and have a little bit of food, porridge, you know?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, do you want to then lay down on the carpet in the basement and you can stand on my back, you know?

Please.

Yeah.

I'm going to waste my time.

I've been smoking marijuana cigarettes.

Yeah, well, who the devil do you want to eat?

I really want to masturbate you.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Dirty Aaron, how are you?

Yo, dogs.

Hey, did you get your laptop fixed?

Oh, you were on last night, I heard.

I didn't hear it.

I was sleeping, but I heard you were on.

So that answered my question.

You did get your laptop fixed.

Yay!

Actually, he sounded pretty good.

I guess his audio did sound good.

And we lost the dirty.

How's it going?

There's Dirty Aaron.

You hear him?

Yeah.

Oh, Christ.

Well, he'll call back, thank God.

Let's call that last guy back.

God damn.

See if we can embarrass him

With his friend or his son or whatever

A little further

I already told one of them

That I'm stoned

I fucking had one of those

On Friday when I made a call

Called this black guy

He's like I know who this is

Your name starts with an R

Like this ain't Reggie motherfucker

I saw the comments on that one

In the chat room

I saw people quoting him

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please...

Aaron, I...

Hey, what are you doing?

You're making a lot of noise.

You should fix that $150 mic you got.

Hey, Aaron, how's it going?

Hey, it's Ted.

It's Jim.

Jim, that's not...

Jim, this is Ted Webb.

Ted Webb, Jimmy Stewart.

No, I took back the $150 mic, and I got to change my whole setup again.

Jesus, all right.

All right, well, get us straight, man, because you're, like, making it easy.

Yep, sounds good, man.

You're fucking Arty-ing it over there.

Sounds like you're in the bathroom.

Oh, Arty texted me, said he wanted to be on tonight.

Sounds like it's a microphone in a shoebox rattling around, you know, whatever.

So this number should be going out with a caller.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, big girl.

How you doing?

Is that Robert?

I want to talk to Robert.

Hey, it's me.

I want to talk to Robert.

Robert, I'm supposed to come over for breakfast today and have ice cream for breakfast.

I think you've got the wrong number.

Robert, Robert, Robert's there, right?

Robert.

Yeah.

Yeah, me and Robert were holding hands and kissing,

and he told me to call for breakfast today to get breakfast.

Is she gone?

I guess so.

I called back.

Me and Robert were kissing.

I don't think she liked the holding hands part at all, dude.

Oh, that's cheating, though, man.

That's why.

Welcome to BT Answer 15.

1-5, the person you're calling is not available.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hey, come on, answer the phone again.

It was fun.

Remember, we talked about ice cream?

Anyway, left her a weird message.

That's good.

Very good on us.

Very good for us.

Let's do another UK call here.

Next one, Robert.

Nice, coarse, nappy.

You know?

Here it is.

I think we should ask if fucking Jose's there.

Jose.

Welcome to BT Answer.

The person you called is on the phone.

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck you.

Welcome to DC Answer.

Poop.

Who the fuck's on the phone this time of the morning?

They left it off the hook after Lonesome's confirmation call.

That happens sometimes, unfortunately.

They fuck with him so much.

Lonesome gets so mad when that happens.

He says, shit, damn it.

All right, you said you sent in numbers, right, Big Kenneth?

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

me. Music. Nice funky track

for you there, Ken. So how'd the show

go last night, Bruce?

It went excellent, actually.

Good. I heard damn

it was pretty good.

Yeah, a lot of stuff came through. We had some good

band shoot calls. We had just some

for the first time ever, I called

a UK guy and he just told me to

fuck off right away.

I love that Indian guy that

told you that he was going to fuck your life

up and you'll regret it and all this shit.

So then I called him.

Yeah, it was that Aaron's kind of screaming and cussing,

and then, like, later you gave him the number,

and he was, like, on a call back,

he acted like all, like, you know, really whippedy,

like he got bitched out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was funny as shit.

Yeah, I got called back and apologized.

It was hilarious, man.

Here's Rudy Gonzalo's set

of Rudy Gonzalo's Brothers Wood Products.

I'll send you the MP3, uh, phone number.

Do it, man.

I want to hear these.

Because I got to sleep.

I can't stay up Saturday, man.

It sucks.

Sorry.

Oh, well.

I guess the problem is that I lost, uh, well, it's not lost.

It's on the hard drive of the, the left drive of the motherboard crashed on, so.

It's that weird sound that you called and it was, like, coming back like a vibrator

or something.

I'm like, who's that?

It's very intense.

Goodbye.

Some guy was fucking with me.

I was talking to him on the phone and he knew it was a prank call, so he, I don't

know, started screaming into the phone or something.

Oh, I thought he changed his voicemail.

That was freaking weird.

Hello, this is Gonzalez.

It is.

Oh, hey, man.

And you do wood products?

We do.

Oh, what kind of wood products?

Do you do any horses?

We do what?

Do you do horses?

No.

No?

What do you do with the woods exactly?

Flooring?

No, we make wood steaks for land surveyors.

Okay, that's it?

That's all you do is wood steaks?

That's it.

How long do you have to cook the wood steak for?

How long do you have to cook it for?

Yeah.

Oh, it depends on how well you like it.

I'm Puerto Rican.

Are you Puerto Rican or are you Chicano or what are you?

Yeah, I'm Chicano.

Do you know Jose?

He told me to call.

Jose.

Yeah, he told me to call.

I don't.

I know his brother, Jose B.

Oh, that's funny, yo.

Wow, you're so funny.

No, this is Eddie, man.

This is Eddie.

Well, look, are you there still?

Did you hang up?

No, I'm here.

Oh, good.

All right, so here's what happened.

I was at Taco Bell and I drilled a hole in the men's room so I could look into the women's

room like a peephole.

and then i worked there and then my boss found out and he's trying to figure out who did it so i'm

i wanted to kind of fix it repair it all right but here we close at two o'clock in the morning

how long do you think it would take you to patch up a wall and put a piece of wood on the wall

it's drywall how long would it take you to put it on and maybe drill it in four spots

to cover up the hole yeah he said if i get it fixed and he won't you know he said whoever did

did this you have until tomorrow to fix this or i'm gonna find out who it was and they're gonna

be fired and i'm gonna call the authorities he said like that and he'll do it and he says he'll

do it you know and the problem is my mom doesn't have papers you know and i'm afraid la migra is

gonna come and take her away i don't want her if i get in trouble i'm afraid they're gonna

come to my house and they'll find her my dad and they'll you know they just got here again three

three months ago they were here they went back to mexico for a few weeks for a quinceanera you know

you know what i mean you're hispanic you know what quinceanera is yeah my cousin's quinceanera

and they flew back to mexico to be there for and then they they got with they have a coyote you

know that they go through to get over um you know all the time yeah so they came back but i don't

want them to go back because they're getting old and sick and my dad almost died this time trying

across he was really slow this time you know coming over the border well i don't know what

to tell you no either man they're from chihuahua will you help me out man come on just put piece

of wood on the bathroom wall and screw it in there but we need to come like at three in the

morning after we close i'm gonna leave the door in the back open and then you can come in and i

got i got a piece of woods and everything all you need to do is put it in there you have the tools

What do you need?

Well, how do you do it?

I don't know how.

You know how to make the holes.

You just don't know how to fix it.

All I have is a drill.

I just started using a drill until I could get through.

But I don't know how to nail anything or put anything out there.

I have no idea.

Well, if you don't want your family to go back home, you better learn quick.

Come on, man.

Help me out.

I'll give you anything.

I'll give you money.

Which one are you?

What Taco Bell are you at?

I took video of the girls in the bathroom.

Do you want those?

those i'll give you all the pictures on the sd card i took like no no no i don't want none of

that i took like 10 videos of women you know using the bathroom and everything and naked and

and moving out their tampons and everything i did all the pictures and video of it man dude you need

to go to jail no come on don't put come on man just help me out i'll pay you whatever i'll suck

I'll suck your dick, even, you know?

No.

I'll suck your dick, man.

Well, which Uncle Bill you at?

Oh, the one on 17th?

17th, you know?

In what?

In Rosecrans.

Rosecrans?

Rosecrans.

When do you need it?

Done.

Right now?

Yeah.

Can I text you the address?

I'm going to text you the address you put in your GPS.

No.

Call somebody else.

I'll give you all these pictures of girls in there with their pants.

I don't want any of those.

Their pants down and their panties down.

They're good pictures.

No, don't want none of that.

Don't need that.

Look, Ken saw them.

He'll tell you.

Ken, you like the pictures, Ken?

Oh, they're fucking fantastic.

See?

They're good pictures.

The panties are down.

They're good.

They're very good.

See?

It's a good picture.

No, I don't need...

No, don't want those.

Have your buddy do it.

Have Ken do it.

He doesn't know.

He's got, like, one hand only.

I don't do patchwork.

I got my hand on my dick at all times.

Come on.

I got one hand.

I can't do the work.

Well, then you don't need any whips for me.

You got your whip in your hand.

You're floating the hole.

Well, we take pictures in the bathroom, the men's bathroom, too, if you want to see them.

No, I don't want to see them.

You want to see my dick?

Come on, man.

No, that's all right.

Come on, man.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Go away.

It's my penis.

Did he hang up?

No, he did.

Anyway, abortion.

Here's another UK number here.

Mr. Robert Emanuel.

That's a valuable name, Emanuel.

you want to do a prank call dirty aaron yell at me does he want to does he want to donate

there you go are you there what huh hey man donate that video's off because i want it all

hello this is mr brant westwood calling from the memorial and statue fund for margaret thatcher

margaret thatcher from the toilet from the toilet what we have you down for a pledge for 75 pounds

Who do you want to vote?

I'm all about the Margaret Thatcher statue, sir.

We have you down for 75 pence.

Huh?

Fuck you.

They don't like Margaret Thatcher.

I'm sorry I said that, Aaron.

I was being stupid.

That's okay.

He's very strongly divided on Margaret Thatcher.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't give me his fucking name, though.

You have an echo.

It sounds like you're in the toilet, so I said you're...

Get those fucking kids up.

Start calling.

Hello.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment.

Hello.

I'm team leader.

Toilet.

Heron's like, yes, I want a toilet.

Thank you, Crowley, for ruining my call.

Let's get a statue and talk about toilet.

It's not like Deathfog's talking over people's calls.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Oh, you ragamuffin.

Oh, fat fuck, goddammit.

Hello.

Hello, sir.

Lord.

Hello, good lord.

Nope.

we had milkman jr on the line last night and straight snoring on the fucking line jose was

oh jose i expected milkman to fucking be out by now well it was funny it's because i was like

he started real faint and i thought so it was fucking around with me straight snoring

wow and i was like who the fuck is sleeping and he's like let's be let's be uh don't hang up don't

What does he want to be on?

He's sleeping.

Mute.

We were playing the sound effect in the background.

Same thing that they did to me here.

And, you know, Hermano set me up, too.

Hey, Robert.

Hello.

Is it Robert?

Yes.

Oh, good.

I'm calling from the Margaret Thatcher Memorial Service.

I wanted to know if you wanted to be involved and come on the TV

and talk about how much you love Margaret Thatcher and her iron panties.

Not really.

Good morning to you.

You know, she wore metallic panties and underwear.

She wore chainmail panties.

Just call me, man.

Put that little rifle, little something off to her.

He said good morning to you.

That's nice.

Good morning to you.

Good day.

Yes.

Hello?

Robert?

Yes?

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

Good morning to you, sir.

This is Mr. Westwood.

Hello?

Do you hear me, fucker?

Who is this?

This is Mr. Westwood calling from Margaret Thatcher Memorial Statue Fund.

We have you down for a pledge of 100 pence.

Toilet.

in the toilet. What we're doing is

we're having a, in Buckingham Palace

they're going to dedicate a toilet

to Margaret Thatcher and we want

it's going to be made of gold. And we have you down

for 100 pounds as a

donation. Do you understand, Robert?

I don't think you understand, sir.

Do we need a translator? I think so.

I have a British translator here.

I think he's just put down the phone, actually.

I think he died. Good day to you, sir.

Good morrow. Good day, sir.

Fucking asshole. Good day,

I am, dude.

All right, next one.

Here's another Robert.

Who just killed a guy?

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Request a prank.

You guys like...

Oh, yeah, request a prank.

Here's another Robert first, though, okay?

Take it easy there, buddy.

Ken, you ever wear Stetson cologne?

Negative.

I don't wear that shit.

He's only 73 and he doesn't wear Stetson.

No?

Yeah, Ken wears a skin bracer instead of cologne.

He puts a little bit of aftershave down on his balls and testicles.

His ball sack, you know?

That's bullshit.

I put high karate down there.

You got that, Robert?

Baby powder.

I use GoBond.

Medicated GoBond.

Your wife fucking loves it.

It burns my pee pee a little bit.

The burning goes away after a while, Robert.

Hey, Robert, how far can your wife open her mouth?

Because I got two big balls for her.

I got a fistful.

That did it.

You don't talk about her wife.

Yeah.

Only his balls go in there.

Yeah, you don't talk about his wife.

They're a big mouth.

Hello.

Shut up.

Oh, man.

Gold Bond's great stuff.

Robert's not fucking having it.

Nope.

He's just hitting the buttons.

Hitting buttons, motherfucker.

Here's a song.

He's hitting the switches for the bitches.

Request a prank.

Here we go.

Margaret Thatcher.

God bless her.

I don't see your request a pranks yet.

Let me go back.

I sent them about a half hour before showtime.

Okay, that's why.

So are you available on Saturday night, CK10?

Say that again?

Are you available on Saturday nights?

Usually. Saturday night, Saturday's

hangover day, so I'm usually awake at

stupid o'clock, certainly.

British time.

See, Ted's the better UK guy.

He gets gin, he's like, I don't drink,

I don't do this, I just suck a lot

of cock. Gin's super

healthy, though. He's like, he's an athlete,

I'm just a soldier.

Don't make excuses for him, come on.

Oh, man.

You gotta train harder for the arrows.

How many push-ups can you do,

uk tip in a minute how many the minimum requirement depends no hey how are you you had chinese family

looking for roommate machine yeah oh that's good yeah do you have daughter or no hello

hey fucker i hit hold on accident i know you did ah try it again i actually have when everybody

at least wants a show i think you can probably pay just a few bucks more if you get their daughter

to love you long time wow no that's how you pay the rent yeah are you still looking for the

place for rent a roommate you have a roommate looking for a roommate yes okay and what kind

of family is this that you have chinese family yes chinese how many people in the family

two just you and your husband oh and then my daughter you and your daughter okay yeah okay

Okay, and then what kind of food?

Do you have all American food only, or do you make Chinese food?

Maybe you have something wrong.

We don't make food.

No?

Because I don't want to, I'm just worried about the smell,

because I heard Chinese people make very stinky food.

You don't like the smell of Chinese food, right?

Yeah, but what do you make?

What do you eat?

What kind of food?

Oh, we make Chinese food.

You eat Chinese, what kind of Chinese food?

Does it smell strong?

Is it bad food?

I don't know either.

People don't like Chinese food, I think.

You have papay people?

What people?

Papay people?

Sabi, but it's it.

Huh?

What did you say?

Did you just make something up, UK Ted?

Or is that legit?

No.

You did a call once where you were talking to China,

and you were just making random noises.

I'm curious to know how old the daughter is, that's all.

I don't know.

If she's old enough to go to the store,

she's old enough to get bread.

Wow.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

All right, here's someone who needs a roommate to share a one-inch bedroom condo.

Okay, cool.

No, it's a one-bedroom condo.

Oh, it says inches there.

All right.

I was going to say one inches, man.

I was listening to a podcast all day,

the one where you sort of talk to the Mexican

guy about sharing a room with him.

Oh, Baz is here.

Hey, Big Baz. Hey, what's up,

guys? Big Baby Baz.

Big Baloney Baz.

I got the big baloney.

You have reached the voicemail box of 4242.

You've reached the gay voicemail box.

Look at the chat.

Scotland 1.

Carlito UK Ted and Ken move to share an apartment with two Chinese women equals creepy.

Yeah, kinda.

Kinda.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

Then Skype police is being awful creepy, screaming,

I want to see the video.

Oh, ew, man.

The video.

The secret video right now.

You don't want to know what's going on here.

Nothing for you to see here.

here. It's like the end of that movie

7 right now. Alright, let's

see. Female wants to

share a studio apartment.

Did not specify if

preferred, and male or female.

Alright, here we

go.

Let's fucking

laugh track that in. If anyone

on the conference wants to do this, let me know

now before I dial it. Anybody?

Call them.

We're in a room? Is that it? Yep, any of you.

I'll do it.

Alright, LA

You have reached the voicemail box of

I'll try again

Hello, this is

I'm calling to rent a room

I'm sorry, it's gone

No, it's not, I'll pay extra

I'm sorry, it's gone

I suck your dick

So what if I mount your big hairy pussy

To rent the room, will that work?

Sick

That was nasty, thank you

Thank you for that visual

like that fucking sound effect right there that was pretty good yeah man keep doing stuff like

that that's a good sound effect gross okay alonzo wants to share a studio apartment with three other

males holy shit oh god alonzo is a fucking security guard i remember that one he's a security guard

and an actor dude really wow don't forget the actor part that's even more fucking dual threat

Right, right, there.

Actor, man.

He's an extra on Univision.

I'm pretty sure in this one he's got, like, two other roommates.

He wants an additional one.

So, yeah.

He dances in the background of Salvador Gigante.

Hey, Alonso.

You have a studio apartment for sharing with people?

Oh, Diabalon.

Yeah, you have it?

Hello?

Oh, it's right here.

Hold on.

Hello?

Hey, is that Alonso?

Hey, what's your name?

Oh, this is Valente.

I see you have a studio apartment you're sharing.

Yeah, actually, I'm just renting out space in my studio,

and I just charged a guy $275,

so I'm turning my studio into, like, a living place for a guy

for, like, a low spot in my apartment.

Oh, why are you doing that? I don't understand. What?

Well, I'm only charging space for bed space in my apartment.

Okay, so then what about the toilet?

it oh of course i wouldn't know so i'm gonna be a little clear um basically i'm running out

i'm dancing in my apartment and of course you welcome to the kitchen um to the restroom that's

legal so i'm gonna go to that kitchen so it's like a group of guys of four sometimes i have five

to have a big um master studio so where it works for pretty much everybody else i try to keep a

limit of four even um five guys oh you have like is this one of those my friend was telling me

sometimes you call and they say these things

and you go down there and

you start offering more money if I

masturbate on the couch, on the video

and all that. Oh my gosh.

I've never heard of that. Yeah. Do you have

like the whole masturbation party

that you take a video and pictures of?

Oh no. No.

No. I don't do that. Do you

guys have girlfriends and stuff or

like what's up? Hold on.

Do you have a girlfriend? Hello?

Hi. It's Daniel. I'm

one of Alonzo's roommates.

mate uh no it's a legit place to rent to lay your head down at night and go to bed i have a

girlfriend i'm straight it's not a porno place right like that like like where they know hell

yeah hell no i call for one and i showed up and the guy was telling me he was like yeah we have

cameras in all the rooms and you're going to be moving in and here's here's this guy his name is

pickle boy they said pickle boy yeah that was his nickname or something i was real confused and then

Oh, fuck no, dude.

That is not this.

This is a legit, you want to rent and stay kind of a place.

And then they had a confession couch,

and we had to sit there in front of the camera in the confession couch.

Oh, hell no, dude.

This guy started...

No, that sounds weird.

The guy started, like, trying to...

He said how much to watch him,

and he said that he likes kissing guys.

I've ever kissed a guy.

He asked me, and he offered to kiss me just to try it out, he said,

just to practice.

He's like...

No, no.

Let's pretend we're each other's girlfriends, he said.

And he said that we could kiss for practicing.

And I said, no, I don't like that kind of thing, you know?

No, no, no.

You got this all confused.

We are a legit place.

We rent to you if you want to rent.

You stay there.

You do whatever you need to do throughout the day.

And that's basically it.

Can I bring my girlfriend back and have privacy?

Sure, I guess.

I mean, yeah, you can have a girlfriend over.

Yeah, but, you know, like, the bathroom itself.

Can I bring her into the bathroom while you guys are there,

or can I have the bed and you guys wait outside?

Well, people aren't there all the time.

People are usually out, so, I mean, that's not always going to be a problem.

All right, and what's the policy for using the bathroom?

Using the bathroom.

If you have to go to the bathroom, use the bathroom.

I mean, common courtesy stuff.

You know what I mean?

Is there a limit to how many toilets you can make?

No.

It's just one toilet, right, and it's private?

Just one toilet is private.

If you're using it, use it.

If you're not, you're not.

Okay.

And do you all sit down on the toilet or to everything, or do you just stand?

Do we sit down on the toilet?

I have to go pee.

Do you all share?

You're asking if we sit down?

Yeah.

What do you mean if we sit down on the toilet?

I don't understand the question.

If you have a lot of guys who stand to pee, there's a lot of urine that gets on the floor and on the side.

Oh, I understand what you're saying.

and you're worried about that.

No, no, no, no.

We keep it clean.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

That's what I mean.

Do you stand up or guys stand up?

All of you stand up to your pee?

I stand up when I pee.

Well, the rest of you, everyone there, like, how does it work?

I mean, I stand up when I pee.

I don't know what they do because I don't watch them.

We'll pee.

Are the beds all separate?

Yeah, the beds are separate.

You're not even sleeping in the same bed with somebody.

Yeah, I know that, but at some point, if we get comfortable,

can we push all the beds together

make one big bed

you want to push all the beds together

lay around you know

and have like sleepover parties

on Saturday night

we talk about kissing our girlfriends

you know

and how much

oh fuck yeah

oh god damn

we can talk about how cool it is

to kiss our girlfriends

and how awesome our girlfriends are

and then I'll say to you like

Like, oh, hey, have you ever kissed a guy?

Maybe it feels the same way.

Let's try.

How old are you?

I'm 18.

You're 18?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, we're a clean group of guys, you know?

I mean, I don't think we're going to push the bets together, but...

We'll push the bets together, and then I'll tell you, like,

hey, let's kiss and see if it feels the same way.

And then we, you know...

Yeah, but I'm straight.

I wouldn't do that.

I don't know about the other guys.

They might.

I mean...

It doesn't mean you're gay.

It's just, you know, we're just doing it for the cameras.

cameras have money no no no no cameras my friend no because i can sit on my laptop and i'm on this

webcam site and you don't they well but we don't i i mean that's kind of a piracy thing i mean

people don't want to be on film they don't have to be on film the men don't pay they just they

just give you tips for whatever you're doing and you actually get a lot you can get a lot of money

we can split it up like if me and you we can play pretend we'll just pretend we're gay you know

and have...

How do you pretend you're gay?

No, we just, like, you know,

we just hold hands

and maybe I'll give you a massage

and you give me a massage

on the back massage.

But I'm not actually gay.

But it's for my...

The other roommates are gay.

I'm not...

The landlord is bisexual,

but I'm not gay.

He's bisexual.

The other roommates are...

Some of them are gay.

I mean, like I said,

you're welcome to come over

We're living in a place in the Bay, but there's nothing weird that goes on.

Yeah, I know.

The website is called straightguycam.com.

That's what it's straightguyfirsttimecam.com.

Okay, and what is it?

Can I ask you a question?

What is your name again?

This is Valente.

Valente.

I'm watching the site now.

There's a guy on there right now.

You're watching what?

I'm watching the website now.

There's a guy on there.

But anyway, what I'm saying is, like, I've got the webcam and everything, and then we can make some extra money, you know, if, you know, we pretend that we know each other, that we're roommates, let's say, we'll pretend, you know.

If I'm your roommate, then we can be for real, and then we hold hands on the bed, and we talk.

All you do is you sit there, and you talk and type to the people and ask for tips.

And if they send you a tip, then maybe we kiss each other.

We take our shirts off, you know, just our T-shirts off.

Yeah, but I'm not, and I would not probably be open to something like that.

They can see our pectoral muscles, you know.

And then we can smell each other, you know, on the camera, and people will send us money.

We can smell each other's hair.

We can do what now?

We can smell each other's hair.

Hello?

Yeah.

Excuse me, one take.

Can I break in?

Hello?

Yeah, my buddy's going to break in.

Yeah, he's my supervisor.

He's going to help out because I got a lot of stuff.

Yeah, no, I'm actually the producer here at straightguysfirsttime.com.

Hello, are you listening to me?

You're calling from Etta, yeah.

Yeah, my name is Doug Jesperson.

I'm the producer here at straightguysfirsttime.com.

And one of your roommates sent us your picture.

They thought that you might be interested in appearing on our website.

So my man, Valente, here called you up to try to see if he might be able to get a room.

And we'll just cut to the chase, you know, for a thousand bucks, would you do it with Valente on camera for our viewing audience?

What do you say?

The guy with the shades, you want him to do a scene with a gay guy for an audience?

No, we want you to do a scene with Valente for our audience on straightguyfirsttime.com.

I'm straight, but I'm not interested in being with a man.

Well, you just, you know, it doesn't make you gay if you just do it one time for the camera.

and you never know

the world of straight pornography

well here's the problem

my friend

if I was to do this

you know what I would ask for

I'd probably ask for a million bucks

I really would

I'm not kidding

that would be my limit

you write me a check

you gotta be kidding

even the big box stars don't make that kind of money

is that your soft limit or hard limit

well I thought the phone call

Oh, it was if somebody was looking for a place to rent.

I had no idea there was some advertisement for a sex lot.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I want to rent your asshole, and I got a big dick to put it in.

Here, let me let you talk to one of our top performers, Big Ken here.

He can give you a flow-by-flow account of what it's like to be on our website.

I want to rent your asshole.

You sound fantastic.

Uh-huh.

Oh, fuck yeah.

You know, we get the job done.

We get put in Redbox.

You know, we're at CVS and Walgreens all over the nation.

People will be renting our video.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Your parents would be so proud of you.

You know, we can give you some poppers that will make it a little bit easier for the first time.

You know, it kind of loosens things up.

Poppers?

Yeah.

Poppers.

You know what poppers are?

Fuck yeah.

Poppers are a little drug that you inhale, and they loosen the anal sphincter,

and it allows it easier to penetrate in the first time.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I could put a baseball bat in there.

It'd be fantastic.

Yeah.

You could put a baseball bat in there.

That's interesting.

Yeah, if you put some poppers in there.

Oh, fuck yeah.

No problem.

Ben knows all about poppers.

So does Valente.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Are you guys in...

We're in California.

You guys seem like you're out in Nevada.

Yeah, we're in Vegas.

But that's the company based out of Vegas,

but we got a new house in california it's called the straight guy first time house yeah we're in

the san fernando valley you know corn valley we have we have 120 000 subscribers paying $19.99

a month to watch the cams inside the house yeah what's up yeah that's what i'm saying that's what

's up yeah hello i mean valente and ken are two of our um successful performers you know they

they'll be real gentle on you the first time

so what do you say

are you interested

I imagine us out in the car

I'm taking you for a ride

maybe slamming your head in the car door

that type of thing

alright he's going to do it

get the contract that motherfucker's going to sign it

yeah if you can provide us

do you have access to faxes there

at this number

we can fax over the details and the contract

this sounded like you verbally agreed

agreed so we can we can get the ball rolling on this right now hello hello would one of the

bi would the bisexual landlord be interested or the gay guys you said that live there i mean i'm

the other roommate that has one that's going to rent it but i don't know are you guys are you

interested in renting or not the fuck yeah i am yeah we're gonna put in some webcams and everything

there for you yeah we got the hardwires and then kind of the gay jersey shore thing going on you

You know, to make them as natural.

Are you some kind of porn director or something?

Say it again.

Are you some kind of porn director?

Yeah, we're the producers of the website StraightGuyFirstTime.com.

We specialize in highlighting straight guys who do it, do gay sex for the first time.

Oh, okay.

And we come out with maybe one or two new videos per week.

We have, you know, thousands of subscribers that subscribe, and they log on to our website.

Well, we offer about $1,000 for the first-time appearance.

Okay.

So does that sound like something you might be interested in?

Yeah, what do you pay for DL guys?

Sorry, you've got a bad connection. Say again, please.

Okay, what do you pay for DL guys?

DL guys?

Yeah.

Oh, we pay about $2,000 for them.

Okay. I got one question.

Do you, like if I just wanted a park or two, will I be able to use a condom?

Oh, absolutely not.

We specialize in being all natural.

Okay.

Will I be able to see these guys, you know, their paper and if they want to go get checked?

Yeah, we have a Mexican nurse that comes in and tests them.

And the samples are sent off to Mexico, where they're analyzed by a first-rate clinic down in Mexico.

You've probably heard about the quality of these laboratories in Mexico.

And the turnaround time on the testing is about two days, and we get the report stacks back to us.

And the Mexican nurse comes in, and she tells us whether or not they're healthy or not.

You know, we try to keep our overhead low by outsourcing that to Mexico.

You know, the testing that they do down there in Mexico has about an 85%, you know, certainty rate.

So, you know, there's only a 15% chance that the result might come back wrong.

But, you know, 15%, you know, that's not too bad.

Okay.

So, I'm a black dude.

I'm a good looking.

So, are you looking to hire a black dude?

Sure, we hire for all races.

So how much will I start off, I guess?

Well, you know, our usual $1,000.

Okay, what do you got?

What do you got in mind now?

Sometimes, you know, we might have to, we have an affiliate website that specializes in black guys doing it with farm animals.

So we might need to start you out there.

So, you know, a dog or a pig or a cow.

I can't do that.

You can do that?

No, I cannot do that.

Well, you know, Valente and Ken got their start with that.

They can give you a little bit of perspective.

It's not so bad, right, Ken?

Yeah, Ken was in a movie called Cream Street,

and he was also in a movie called Pass the Chicken.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

And I think Valente here got his start with A Prized Heifer.

I was also on Cream Street.

Yo, that's not my real voice.

You know, I had these chickens, you know.

They offered me the opportunity to take these chickens on,

And it's really led to places, you know, I make a good amount of money, you know, about, you know, $1,200 or so a fill.

Are you crazy? Are you serious?

Hey, it got me my start.

What do you want?

It's a tough industry to bust into.

Everyone has to start at that level.

We all, all gay porno.

It's not as if I didn't wear a condom or something.

You know, I wore a condom when I fucked a chick.

Well, let me fuck you then.

No, I'm not a bottom.

That's not possible.

Would you be okay with not having sex with a horse, but having sex with a man with a horse, like, right next to you guys, just kind of looking at you guys?

Nah.

Like, in front of the horse.

Oh, you're talking about Ernie.

Oh, we could get Ernie.

That would be a good show.

If he actually doesn't want to be penetrated, maybe he can just masturbate the horse.

Yeah.

While Ken does him from behind.

Yeah, we're also looking for a man who'll have anal sex with another man in a room with about six dogs inside of it.

Well, like, a few dogs.

You're not going to do anything sexual with the animals,

but the dogs will just, you know, hang out, lay down, and watch.

It's kind of a take on, you know, that show Warriors.

Somebody's hoarding all these dogs, and you're just in there just fucking pumping away,

and the dogs are watching.

I don't know.

It's six Rottweilers and a Doberman Pinscher.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

No, they're good dogs.

They're good dogs.

Some of our actors actually say it's, you know, quite erotic with all those dogs around, you know, strangely enough.

Well, whatever it is, it's got to be weird, freaky, and it's crazy, because I expect, like, I'll be in too much fear if you try to get busy.

The money's good, motherfucker. Oh, fuck yeah.

The dogs are just going to be hanging out in the room. That's it. They're not going to do nothing but the dogs.

They're movie dogs. They're fucking professionally trained. That's what they do.

Well, let them sniff your hand first, and you can pet them and kind of get to know them.

And, you know, they only bite every once in a while, so.

Yeah, you can feed them and everything.

They might kind of nip at you.

They kind of tend to nip at black guys.

I think they've been trained that way.

Yeah, and we have a guy who has a stun gun behind camera,

so if anything happens, he'll just shoot the dog.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Yeah, I mean, the NPSA or the, you know, the animal cruelty people can't really touch us there

because that would be considered self-defense if we had to tase the dogs.

when they start attacking.

The other thing is we can put a lion

on a chain outside.

We're going to put a lion on a chain

and put you and the other guy, Ernie,

just outside of the reach,

maximum reach of that chain.

And then you guys have sex

and it looks...

And then we'll edit out the chain

so you can't see in post-production.

You know, we'll clean it out in post.

Hello?

It'll look like the lion's just sitting there laying

watching you guys, you know, fuck.

Yeah, the lion enjoys it quite much, quite a lot.

Yeah, and he can't reach you.

He's just out of reach.

He's just outside of reach.

Ain't that fun, like, having sex in front of a lion

and just daring that lion to come over there to bite us and kill us?

No, it's because, no, you're not listening.

You guys are in a position where we'll measure it,

and it'll be right outside the reach of the chain, the maximum reach.

so he won't be able to come near you

as long as you stay within

no closer than where we tell you

we'll put a mark on the ground

that you can't see on camera

but it's obvious, don't go behind this mark

and then the lion

the chain

you told me that same shit

and I got a fucking lion fucking claw mark

across my ass

no that's not

well the whole thing is

I've been thinking about getting my leg bit off

and doing something wrong

off we'll start off we'll give you a spear we'll put you in a loincloth and and ernie's black we'll

put them in the same thing and maybe have a you know maybe a bone going through your nose or some

shell in your earlobes cells in your earlobe that'd be really nice yeah when he come on my

when he come on my thigh well whatever you feel comfortable with but it'll look like it'll look

like you're on the african savannah and there's a line there you know you guys are like fuck it

If I've been dying for a guy

Just to come

Put some milk on my eyes

And then have an animal

Maybe like a snake

Maybe just bite me

That's the kind of

I want to feel pain

On one side of my body

The other side

I can turn it on

Alright

Fuck yeah

Maybe we'll get an

Endoconder or some shit

You got some good ideas

Alonzo

I like that

Yeah you know

I think this might work out

Yeah maybe we can give you

Ass release

And thigh release also

Would you like to

Repeat that again

We'll give you

Ding ding ding

We'll give you a scene

a thigh release scene

to start off

for your first scene

the thigh release

what about some

type of medication

no a thigh release

is just when you

when you finish

you release on the thighs

of the guy

that'll be your first

oh yeah

first scene ever

you're addicted

now we need to get

a name for you

was there a name

what about Kamala

the Ugandan giant

I'm not

well that's Tiffany

I'm not a giant

you know

well how big are you

I got his name

I'm 5'11

little black Sambo

I mean how big are you

that's what we need to do

right there

Oh, how big is my dick?

Yeah.

It's 9 inches, but I think it's like 13.

I can stretch it.

Are you cut?

I am 9 inches, but I can stretch it, so it gets to 13.

Yeah.

Would you be willing to wear some weights on it?

You know, do some training.

We can stretch it out to maybe like 10 or 11.

Yeah.

On my balls, yeah.

I can wear some weights on my balls.

No.

We're talking about putting...

Are you cut or uncut?

I'm uncut.

Uncut.

Perfect.

Okay, so we'd have to retract the foreskin, then we can tie some fishing line around the

a tip and then put like a couple

of three-pound fishing baits on it.

I love that.

Yeah. Do you feel

okay with that name, Kamala the Ugandan

Giant? You think that you don't like

giant? Yeah, I am a giant.

Alright, so Kamala the...

Kamala the Ugandan Giant. That'll be

your star name,

your adult film name.

Really? My adult? Yeah, I've been thinking

about something really crazy, but when I have sex

and, you know, it's a guy that's pushing me down and

like getting some good head, I like to push

It's my way.

If I run all over furniture, because I'm kind of like, I get crazy when I have bomb packs.

We'll tell people you're from Uganda, that you escaped Uganda, all right?

Actually, you know, we do have some other actors that are quite a bit bigger than nine inches,

so Giant might be pushing it, because our clients, you know, our customers are used to seeing these guys.

Would you be opposed to using the trade name of Little Black Sambo?

Hello?

Yeah, would you be willing to use the trade name Little Black Sambo?

No.

No, this is his friend, Daniel.

Oh, hey, Daniel.

Hey, handsome.

How are you, guy?

He was thinking we could have sex with homeless people.

Oh, that's out there.

Yeah, you know.

You don't know.

What do you think, Ken?

Well, what if, what if, what if.

That's pretty fucked up.

What if we put him.

Is this Daniel the Malacca?

Is that who this is?

Whatever.

Listen, what if we put him, we'll put him in a loincloth and give him the spear and

the nose and his bone, and then we pretend like we brought him to Los Angeles.

Like, you know.

like for the first time from the african savannah what fucking planet are you guys from this is

funny and we'll show him around town and he'll be like oh wow look at the car the car moving you

know and he's amazed and we show him a urinal that flushes by itself you know when you hit the

when you trip the sensor and he'll be amazed and then we'll have a homeless guy and we'll say hey

homeless man we'll give you this liquor if you have sex with this guy from a tribe from

from a slab in Africa.

It'll be kind of like that movie

that God Must Be Crazy

where the African bushman

went to the big city.

I'm glad you're getting

some amusement out of this,

but we're strictly business here.

We're going to call it Cream Street.

In the end, the guy becomes

like a human being.

Are you saying you guys

are strictly business?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is a web business.

We're strictly thinking

in terms of profit, bottom line.

What's the name of your website?

site? StraightGuysFirstTime.com

CreamStreet.com

Yeah, CreamStreet.com

CreamStreet.com

AfricanPygmySex.com

Yeah, you know, the guys

in the loincloth with the bone in there.

Yeah, and then our associate Milkman,

he has another website that he

directs. What is that, Milkman? It's for lactated

women. Yeah, this is

This is actually a Katie Gay site.

It's bellyboners.com.

Bellyboners.com.

That's where we get a bunch of gay guys to pop on one straight guy's belly.

Oh, wow.

That's pretty interesting.

Yeah, poppers.

Poppers.

Oh, God damn.

But like we said in the beginning, you know, most of our guys get their starts with the

farm animals.

So, you know, there's probably a cow or a pig or maybe a sheep.

Yeah, like a cow.

That sounds interesting.

For the first shoot only.

What about a monkey?

We could do monkeys, too.

Don't have a fucking monkey?

That's how I got AIDS.

You know, we'll get a bunch of monkeys, and first they can throw shit at you.

What about, like, in a rainy day?

Don't have that motherfucker fuck monkeys.

That's how I got AIDS, you motherfuckers.

Yeah.

Well, you remember we put you in the middle of the circle, Ken,

and then the monkeys threw other shit at you, and you rubbed it all over yourself?

Yeah.

Oh, I remember.

The monkeys did shit at me.

Yeah.

And I rubbed it all over me.

You know, some of our...

Is this motherfucker on drugs?

Some of our customers really get into that.

Hello?

What the fuck is this?

What is this, a circle jerk?

Got a pivot, man?

Hello?

You got any more points?

Because I have a nine and six.

I have a nine.

You have a nine.

You are a lying motherfucker.

No, don't even talk anymore.

You are a lying bitch.

Pass the phone on.

What?

Pass the fucking phone on.

You don't have shit.

You gotta be kidding me, dude.

Hey, I can judge talent.

I can judge talent.

We'll be talking to your buddy on the other end.

Hey, if you don't pass the fucking phone on, you're going to be judging my fist up your ass on the other end.

Pass the phone on, pal.

Oh, y'all still talking to each other?

Well, put my dick in the fucking hole in here if you don't shut your mouth.

You're out.

Hello?

Hello.

Who are we talking to now?

Yeah, um, have you guys got any more partners?

I would like to bend over and let the cow to take the shit out of my ass.

Yeah, you can be Lysol.

That would be your name.

Lysol would be your name.

Yeah, you can have sex with a cow, isn't it?

You want a cow?

You want some cow ass or cow pussy?

What do you want?

Cow pussy and, you know, and I want the farther back of your ass.

Okay, yeah, I'll get my tight little asshole all ready for you.

I train my asshole with poppers.

You got cake?

You got a fat-ass booty?

Yeah, I got a nice pound cake booty.

Apple-shaped booty.

Nice, tight, virgin assholes.

I'll bang the shit out of you.

Oh, yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

You can even handle it.

This is a black banana.

Ew.

It's over.

Black bananas are rotten, and they fall apart.

And they're soft.

You have a black banana.

You have a disease.

You say dudes with bananas, they fall apart?

Yeah, black bananas are soft, and they're rotten, and they have flies flying around them, gnats.

Oh, not this, buddy.

Oh, that's why you've got a black banana.

It starts out with spots, and then it just turns black.

Okay, what about a dude that has a half a banana and a straight dick that just stands straight up?

Well, that's different, yeah.

Hey, man, I'm going to go play basketball, all right?

Yeah, you know what?

We'll basically have a conference and talk about everything that we've talked about with you guys.

And, you know, if we're interested in casting you, we'll contact you in the next, say, 48 hours.

How does that sound?

Okay.

Yeah?

Just remember, you know, it'll probably be with some kind of a farm animal to begin with,

but only for the first shoot.

Okay.

But then when Mark wins back, I would like to do a scene with him with Mark

and he can hang with me.

We'll just have to see how you guys handle the cows and the pigs first.

Then we'll go from there.

Hmm.

You know, maybe a chicken or two.

Well, you're doing too much.

Well, you know, that's the hoops you've got to jump through.

You say it, then how?

You say it.

Okay.

You know, I've got a conference, another conference call I've got to take,

so I'm going to let you wrap up with my associate Valente here.

Yeah, would you?

We'll be in touch.

Would you kick a chicken while you're masturbating, standing up?

Uh, no.

Like a live chicken?

Like, just go up to her?

No.

Oh, are you crazy?

Like, you'd have your dick in your hand and you're jerking it,

and then there's a chicken in front of you going,

bark, bark, bark, and you kick him.

Hell no, I can't do that.

That's crazy.

He goes like, bark, bark, bark, bark,

and then he flies away.

No, I don't do that.

I'll ding you over.

And you chase him with your pecker out,

like you got a heart on and it's flopping everywhere

and the chicken's scared of it.

You know what?

I don't know who you are,

but I'd like to ding your ass over

and give you a couple of spankings

and take my dick and stick it all in your mouth.

Yeah, but will you run around with your boner hanging out, run after me for a little while, and we'll tape it?

Nah, I don't know nothing about that.

Oh, come on.

I like how he draws the line, running.

You know what, you got diarrhea at the mouth, I would like to tape it.

I'll drive you in person or around the market, all up in your mouth, and then tape a shirt and go to sleep.

All right.

Hopefully you don't bite.

Could we strip all your clothes off and have you carry around a peach basket on your head?

Oh, you got to be crazy.

Yeah, no clothing or makeup, just you walking around outside on a hill

with a peach basket full of peaches on it.

That's some crazy stuff.

I can't do all that.

I'm about to say something about how crazy it's like.

It's a Civil War avant-garde noir movie I'm making about the dichotomy of man.

I got one question.

Is this really, you guys, high for, like, the new porn?

Yeah.

No, we're just throwing out ideas out there that we have for movies.

I bet people do do this stuff.

Yeah, we just need to know where the line is, like what's acceptable.

So far, it seems like you're up to anything.

No, I'm not going to fuck no about anything involving exercise you're not too keen on.

Yeah, we're looking for your hard limits and soft limits, that's all.

Oh, you know, you're a freak.

You're going too much.

Now, I was thinking about letting a cow lick my ass.

How about that?

Is that good enough?

A cow has a big tongue, yeah.

Do you have a big tongue?

No, a cow does.

I'm not a cow.

Would you lick my ass?

No, I don't do that.

No, I don't like messing with the ass.

That's not my thing.

That's Ken's thing.

He likes a nice ass.

What if he likes a...

Ken's got a 69er cow.

He'll put ketchup on it.

You gotta be kidding.

People catch wet?

I don't know.

Fuck yeah.

I put my elbow all the way in from the back.

It's no big deal.

Ken has this famous...

You gotta be kidding me.

Ken has a famous scene.

He took like three ketchup packets and put them in his ass.

And he squeezed really hard.

He has a nice run for his ass.

I put it in my ass and I squeezed real hard

and as soon as they popped I went

oh fuck yeah I mean that's my catchphrase

they popped and he said oh fuck yeah

and then this guy his cousin

came over and licked all the

ketchup yeah man

oh that's some nasty ass shit I don't do that

stuff like that I'm just saying

cause he's got such a nice hard firm ass

he can pop ketchup packets in his ass

and have guys come over and eat it all out

that was a that was a salad tossing scene we had in cream street

that's the name of the movie cream street yeah we made that movie oh you wouldn't believe it

we did a scene where i was a worker at mcdonald's and uh somebody ordered a salad and they wanted

some ranch i said coming right up and i put the packets in my ass and just pop right out there

on the salad and they were like thank you sir oh i would do that oh yeah hey real quick i'm gonna

i'm gonna play you a scene from that movie this is a cream street this is where there's a scene

here which is the one where um where ken over there he did the whole move you know with the

ketchup packets oh yeah he was like oh fuck yeah i'm gonna see if i can find that i want you to

hear he's he's really talented it's an older movie though i bet he is doing bullshit like that you

You've probably never heard of the movie, you know, but here it is.

I'm going to play it real quick for you.

It's one of our proudest moments here.

How many packets of ketchup would you like, sir?

Two, please.

Let me give you three.

All right.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah, man.

I'd like some fucking mustard with that, too.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Here we go.

Some mustard.

dude see there it is that's that's the scene oh my god that's some crazy shit yeah man that's

crazy so hey are you down you know you gotta send us your social security number and the w2 w4

we'll send you a w9 and you need to put in your social security number we also need a valid

valid credit card number, too, so that we can

make an initial

payment on your worker's comp insurance.

Yeah, and your mother's maiden name.

Well, that's too much

information. I'm going to need your

mother's cock size, also. You need to bring

a blood test? We'll take blood here.

We'll have someone take some blood.

We have our Mexican nurse that will do that.

Yeah, she'll take the test. Oh, no.

Yeah.

She's quite gentle.

She usually only has to poke somebody

three or four times to find the vein.

I don't know

Oh fuck yeah though

Fuck yeah is the right term

I would like to fuck you all over the place

Whoever that little white dude

Hey motherfucker I'm going to pop your ass

Just like this

You seem like a freak but you ain't out of frequency

You really have me because I make your legs pop

Wow fuck yeah man

Alright sounds good

Alright so

Well when can I make this happen

Well we'll be sending the Mexican nurse over tomorrow

About say 1pm

Does that work for you?

Yeah.

I'll put you on the new Cream Street 2.

I'll put you on Cream Street 2.

Yeah.

God damn.

Cream Street Part 2.

Hello?

Cream Street Part 2.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, you have an apartment, one-bedroom apartment.

Do I have a what?

You have a one-bedroom apartment over there.

No, I have a master studio over here.

You understand what he's saying?

Does he understand what I'm saying?

Hello?

Yeah, what's up?

I was talking to someone else, you know?

Oh, okay, excuse me?

Why were you interrupting?

That's rude.

Yeah.

I would love to get you in a bed so I can dick you down to a little smart-ass mom.

All right, whatever.

You're a smart little boy.

That's what your problem is.

You know what?

You need some dick in your ass.

All right, whatever.

I'm hanging up on him.

How long has that call been going on for?

Fuck, a long time.

This guy just wouldn't hang up.

Someone said that YouTube died.

Yeah, we hit the time limit.

That's why I had to go there

I thought when I brought up the

I thought I brought up the farm animals

That would be enough to get him to hang out

I don't know

I don't know if he was still thinking

We were being serious

You motherfuckers are fucked up

I was like

This guy still hasn't got the fucking clue

Or what

He still hasn't figured it out

Well that was fun

Give me a second here

I am setting up the new video

I don't know why

No he actually does

You're actually on the list

I put all of them

They're not all working

I don't know why

I'm working on them today

You have to make sure

You're identifying yourself

Before you go in the chat

Yeah

You gotta identify

Then chat

Identify then

And join the chatroom

Not the other way around

Right

So just log into

The status window first

Oh okay

Identify

Then join the chat

The mailbox

Belonging to

Where did you put it last time

Nick

Where did it work

Dick, he didn't answer the second time.

I put him on the line with an effeminate black man earlier, and he hung up.

That was towards the end of that call.

Hey, Carlito.

Yeah, I had an idea for a prank.

Just to make a long story short, I just got done with spending a week with my wife in the hospital.

You know, she had pneumonia, and she was in the hospital for a week.

But one of the nurses there told us a pretty funny story.

There's a 7-Eleven that's about a block away from the hospital.

And I guess a couple of months ago, one of the patients actually got loose and he was in his gown

and he rolled his IV pack down to the 7-Eleven, went in there and bought a 40 and a pack of cigarettes

and he hung the bag of groceries on the IV tree.

And hospital security found him smoking a cigarette and drinking the 40 out in the parking lot.

It would be funny to call that 7-Eleven and say that you're a patient there in the hospital.

And you want to come down there and buy a 40 and some smokes,

but you want them to promise you you're not going to turn them in.

Holy shit.

Ask them if they'll do a curbside delivery.

Yeah, I've got the phone number for that 7-Eleven if you want to try calling them.

Yeah, do that.

And the funny thing is, you know, he showed up with the IV and they still sold him a 40.

And a pack of cigarettes.

cigarettes and i'm guessing security caught him smoking the cigarette was he in a hospital gown

he was wearing a gown and he had an ivy and the ivy you know that ivy tree with the wheels you

know yeah yeah yeah that's awesome because it's not just oh that's a great store staff right there

it's not just an ivy tree now they don't just have a bag on it they carry they put the fucking

computer a little box on there that yeah monitors your you know the digital drip you like for

yeah my wife had that for a week yeah you got to keep it it's got a charge or be plugged in i guess

when i spent six months in the hospital back in 2011 i was hooked up to one so much i used to

hate it if i had a walk wanted to walk around i had to bring this stupid thing with me yeah

yeah they got a battery on them don't they that lasts about half hour something like that something

Something like that.

Then it starts beeping at you when it's getting low and then, you know, you got to go back

to your room.

It sucks balls.

Anyway, well, I'm glad your wife's out of the hospital.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

She's doing better.

She's on the mend.

Good.

Pneumonia will take it out of you.

That's good news.

Yeah.

It makes you real tired.

It's a long, you got to recuperate for a little while, man.

Oh, yeah.

Help her out.

Yep.

Definitely.

Pat her on the head and tell her.

Tell her it's going to be okay.

Yeah.

You say, that's nice, honey.

I mean, when she's complaining about something, you just nod your head.

Good little chicken.

Smile and nod your head and be like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah, it's going to be okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

There you go.

So she's a good little chicken.

Yeah, you can eat my little chicken.

And you feed her food out of your hand like a little chicken.

I also think that little chicken call the other day, that was hilarious.

And then you tease her.

Hey, I think I'm going to send me straight there.

So we got that all set up now, Milkman.

Also, flop your bone on her face.

That helps out, too.

Yeah, yeah, that was in the discharge orders.

Have husband flop boner in place.

Yeah.

All right.

Sugar Daddy here in Utah.

What's this now?

Misty has an older boyfriend, a.k.a. Sugar Daddy, a doctor.

He says he has no kids.

Have Cross call up acting as his son and tell her to get out of his way of the inheritance.

Okay.

All right, Tiz Hippie.

here you go you made me chuckle with that premise i probably won't be able to pull it off i've been

doing nothing but laughing during the pranks all night tonight i don't know why we've been able to

have like the longest lasting prank calls tonight because i'm just talking stupid shit have you

spoken to those um black supremacists hello uh hey uh see listen i know that you're with

your boyfriend and you have this thing with him and it is whatever it is but i'm his wait

Wait, I'm sorry, what was that?

I'm his son. I'm your boyfriend's son.

The doctor. I'm the doctor's son.

Okay.

And I don't want any crap because I want to get the inheritance

and I don't need you moving in and getting him to sign papers

to give up any part of my inheritance.

Hold on.

Okay, let's backtrack again.

What are you talking about?

I'm your boyfriend's son and I don't want you...

And who's your dad?

You know who it is.

How many men are you sleeping with, you whore, you slut?

Wait, who is he?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Okay.

So, how did you get my number?

And how do you know whether...

My mom told me that you're the person that's with him, the doctor.

Okay.

Okay, like, I am lost.

How did you get my number?

She gave me the phone.

My mom gave me the phone.

How did your mom know me?

Because you've been sleeping with her ex-husband.

Do you, okay, so my boyfriend don't have a son.

Yes, he does to me.

And what's your name?

My name is Cross.

And how old are you?

I'd rather not say.

Better not say?

So are you in your teens?

I'm 15.

You're 15?

Um, wow, because he's not even that old.

So that would have made him...

He's not 15.

Shoot, that would have made him, wow, young, like 11 when he had you.

No, he's older than that, actually.

Yeah?

Well, this isn't the one.

I think you got him mixed up, though.

I don't know how you got my number.

Can I see your...

And I don't have a boyfriend.

Can I see your...

I'm just dating, honey.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Can I see your big natural breasts?

A what?

Your big natural breasts.

My big natural what?

Your big natural breasts.

My big...

Okay, who is this?

Who is this?

Seriously.

This is Cross, and you're my new mommy.

No, I think you know, I think this is, like, something totally different because, for one, you live in Nevada.

Yeah.

So, I'm dating, so I don't have a boyfriend, but I have dated, like, been on dates with a doctor, but, like, he's way young, and I know him.

Hey, where are you from?

Like, where is he from?

The guy that I dated, where is he from?

He's a doctor, right?

Your dad?

Where's your dad from?

He was in a convention, and he had sex with my mom and had me.

No, where's your dad from?

Oh, Utah.

No, he's not.

Well, he was just passing through Las Vegas at a doctor's convention,

and he made me with my mom, and then he moved to wherever.

I don't know where exactly.

Well, he wasn't born.

He wasn't born here.

He was born in Switzerland.

He's older than you.

He's really young.

He's not old.

Yes, he's older than you know.

He's older than you know.

You don't know.

Really?

Because I've seen his graduate, the year he graduated.

So he's a really smart guy, I can tell you that.

But I know he doesn't have any kids.

And I know this is a joke.

And I know that you somehow know me from somewhere because you threw out my number off Facebook.

Do you ever take a shower?

Or somewhere else.

I think you got the wrong impression on me.

And I'm not a gold digger.

So before you call me.

do you ever take a shower with him i'll enjoy dating your good looking young young father that

you don't have goodbye whatever anyway that's right little she's stupid i don't know how she

bought that i didn't have the doctor's name that would have helped out tizzy hippie you stupid you

stupid asshole stupid dumb fucking stupid asshole that didn't send all the information you son of a

a bitch? That woman is just cool.

She needs to learn how to shut her whole mouth.

Yeah. Anyway,

Josh is the person who

Cross needs to call up and let him know

that he has a job offering for him

as a stripper. Alright,

stripper man, more gay.

This is the gay show tonight.

Everything is gay this and

gay that tonight.

Where's my chicken?

It's a homosexual friendly show.

Wow.

I got a CPAP machine, guys.

guys. It's great. It makes my back hurt. Thank you. Yeah. How's that going? It's going good.

But the problem is I started out with a lot of pain in my diaphragm and that from the air pressure

being so high, you know, I'm breathing deeply for the first time in a long time. And then now my

back's bothered me. And I don't know if it's from breathing deeply also, or it's from not moving

around as much when I sleep since I'm actually getting good REM sleep now, but I'm waking up

up great, man. I have energy. I feel

great. You ever wake up, like,

in the morning, like, all of a sudden, like, you could

never crack your neck or bowels. Like,

that's when things start happening when you get

that rest, dude. You'd be amazed how your

body will actually relax. I actually

should lose a little bit of weight also with that

machine. Yeah, and I gotta take a big shit.

I lost a lot of weight when I took that machine

on. Look, man, how much weight did you lose?

60 pounds, was it? Yeah, about 60

pounds, yeah. Someone was saying...

You have reached Sprint Boy's mailbox.

Who was saying? There was someone... Because, supposedly,

when you you know you wake up and you have that adrenaline and shit when you wake up from not

breathing they convert it converts all over to sugar so when you don't have that happening then

you start losing a bunch of weight you don't have that excess sugar yeah man this is gonna be yeah

you know i need sleep that's a fact and as soon as you don't get more than five hours sleep then

your body goes into like severe like decline stress mode and it's fact that you know all your

Your body systems are expected by sleep, you know.

We really do need sleep.

And once you get healthy sleep, all of a sudden, you know, you're awake, you know, you're bright, you're clear on everything.

And you're fucking bitches.

It's like you got a new battery, basically.

You feel like a kid again.

Yeah.

I felt like a teenager again.

Like, I felt like I did in high school.

I was like, wow, man.

Yeah.

I mean, you feel like you're riding around on a fucking rascal scooter.

It's fantastic.

Yeah, man.

Cool.

You know, I've got one, too, but I haven't been able to get used to it.

So maybe I'll give it another try.

Give it a try.

I mean, when I was ripping, it was just like I was, like, using a regular hand-propelled scooter before the rascalization.

Yeah, man, it was just like a kid, man.

Good.

All right, I want my rascal scooter, too.

I'll start using mine.

I got my 65.

Call the Hover Round people.

For some reason, I woke up this morning, though, and I had taken it off.

Like, I woke up and I didn't have it on.

At some point last night, I yanked it off my head.

Well, that's my problem.

In the middle of the night, you were like, fuck this shit, and you fucking ripped it off.

Well, that's my problem.

I wake up in the morning, and it's bad.

Yeah, that's when I get so tired that when I come back that I'll lay back down

and I'll actually fall asleep before I get the mask back on.

So what I do is keep the mask on, but just unhook the hose, dude.

Just like it'll snap.

You can pull the hose off, but leave the mask on.

If you do that, it's so much easier to go right back to sleep

and not let that mask fall off.

I used to have to help my dad with his mask,

like putting it on and fucking hooking it and shit.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I mean, it seems great.

The only other thing is the noise isn't too bad,

Yeah, but it's just that back pain, but I'm told it'll go away.

It'll get better, but it really killed me today, man.

I was just, like, fucking suffering all day today.

What kind of unit do you have?

I don't know the name of it.

It just goes over the nose.

Nose only.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The box.

Is it a Phillips?

Is it a Phillips safe?

Actually, what is it?

I don't know.

I had to look.

I don't know.

How long is it, or how big is it?

It's about nine inches.

It's about, I'd say it's about the size of a fucking, I don't know, of the first generation

Sega Genesis.

about that size let's say oh yours is kind of black and it's not like a shoebox then uh maybe

it's shoebox size i felt like a shoebox it's a philips a flex yeah anyway all right well that's

cool man you got a decent machine yeah now you're going to start getting results and also you know

not moving around like that also it can make your back get forward like that but you'll get used to

you can actually learn to sleep on your side sleep on your side once you uh start getting used to it

But, like, just don't unhook it, man.

If you get up or whatever, only snap off the hose part.

And then that way, it's always staying on your face sealed.

You get the best rest.

All right, cool.

That's what I'm going to do.

It's my only other problem.

I'm on that Ambien.

I have sleeping problems, and I'm working night shifts.

It's hard for me to fall asleep during the day, so I take Ambien.

And they say that it makes you, like, you can start sleepwalking or sleepdriving, and I'm scared of that.

What about the sleep sex thing, dude?

I mean, that could be cool.

Google, as long as it's with Dina.

If it's Dobby, it might not be so cool.

Yeah, if it's with my downstairs neighbor, I don't think he would like that.

I sure wouldn't.

Definitely don't want to head over to KDK's neighbor because there's something going on over there, man.

KDK would like that.

It's not rough.

I'm going to get up and walk downstairs and rape the downstairs redneck neighbor.

He might be in the freezer with one of the cats.

Remember that cat that was in the freezer?

Well, that's what KDK thought.

He put his cat in the freezer anyway.

Seriously, the neighbor

If he's listening

Remember Zolar got that

Confession out of him

The neighbor listens to the show

He might be listening now

He's a nice guy, he's a redneck guy

Sorry, I'm sorry

He's a good neighbor

I'm sorry

I like Republicans

He could probably hear me yelling in here all the time

He probably knew about the show before he even knew about it

The Puerto Rican guy upstairs

stairs is yelling at the fucking computer

again. He's pounding on the, he's jumping

up and down on the floor on KDK's

fire and the lights and stuff are falling down

and he's so mad. I'm emotional,

damn it. Um, do you want to, do we want to

keep doing pranks? Man, it's 2.30 in the

morning, speaking of sleep, here's some more

UK numbers and, uh, well,

let me, let me look at Request a Prank first.

I don't think there's anything else there.

I think we got enough. Oh, we got

some new people joining the chat.

Well, welcome to, uh, whatever's

that be. Yeah, welcome, whatever.

We already did the horse-drawn carriage.

I don't think they answered there.

Okay, so Request a Prank is tapped out

as far as I can tell.

Here's...

Did we already talk to William Booty?

Yeah, so here's William Bowen.

William Bowen.

We also got a hotel in Guam.

I hear some UK shit.

Are you guys still here?

I feel like I've been talking shit for a while.

Let's get some peck-peck from Guam.

That's what I had.

That visual string out.

Dirty Aaron dropped out.

Hello?

Oh, hey.

I was going to let you know.

I was going to show you this.

Hello?

I'm going to show you a CPAP machine, William.

I have a machine to put on your nose so you can breathe when you're sleeping.

Sorry, try again, Alan.

I got a machine for your nose.

What is it?

It's a CPAP.

It goes on your nose and it blows hot air in your nose and you breathe it in.

No, I don't want that.

Thank you.

Yeah, you can put the hose in your ass and fart and smell it.

Oh, it's true, though.

Don't hang up.

You could do it.

You could also put your penis in it.

I don't think it's funny.

I don't think that's funny.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

We thought it was funny.

I don't know.

Hello.

Who's that?

Yeah, my name is Jonathan Winters.

Who are you?

I don't care who you are. Get off the line.

No, we have a very important message for you from the Royal Service.

It's regarding CPAP machines.

We're trying to encourage all older gentlemen in the United Kingdom to consider using a CPAP machine.

Okay, I don't want that.

Do you suffer from sleep apnea?

I don't want to. Get off the line or I'm ringing the police straight away.

No, this is important.

Please don't ring the police.

We mean, we're not, we don't mean harm to you.

Oh, well, go where the bullet, go bar.

Man, you know what I'm in the mood for is Cinnabon.

Hell yeah, man.

Oh, yeah.

You get that extra frosting for 25 cents.

We should call Cinnabon.

I worked at a Cinnabon.

That was my first job at a Cinnabon.

Sorry, we are not available to answer your call at this moment.

Yeah, they are.

They're there.

We just talked to them, remember?

Okay, moving right along.

Let's do another UK number here.

William Bradley.

Big William Bradley.

Oh, William Bradley.

Billy Bradley.

Bill Bradley.

Ran for president, former basketball player, professional basketball player, Democrat.

Was somewhat a good coach.

Hello.

Hey, William Bradley.

I used to watch you play basketball, sir.

I'd like you to sign a basketball that I have.

I want you to sign it, and then I'll put it on the ground and kick it at you and hit you in the head.

Then I'll say, you're out of there.

You missed that free throw in the big game 10 years ago.

Yeah.

You lost us 20 bucks in a bet we had with our buddy Ken.

Yeah, throwing up bricks.

I'll kick you.

I'll put the ball on the ground and kick it at your head and hit you.

Yeah, I had a fucking goat because of you, pal.

We're pissed off at you.

And then you'll get behind the wheel of a car thinking you're okay,

and you'll have an epileptic seizure because of the head trauma, and you'll crash.

And then this guy named Artie, as soon as he sees that, he'll come over and fuck you.

You're going to shower.

What is the temperature of the water in your toilet, sir?

98.

It's the mouth, motherfucker.

Hello.

Hello, old man.

How are you?

Good morning.

Yes.

Would you like...

Sorry, who is this, please?

Would you make some porridge for me, please?

Oh, let's not be like that.

Don't be that way.

Rude motherfucker.

That was William Bradley again.

Now he's all talk.

That was another guy, I think.

Hmm.

This is K-Lover.

Baby, you know, it's a gentleman caller.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, speaking of which, here's the Northwood.

He just had an orgasm in his sleep.

Northwood Boulevard Express, where there's a live Kiam outside right now.

Tell them you lost something outside and try to get them to go out and look for it.

All right, I'm going to tell them I left my ham-boo outside.

That's stupid.

Ham-boo.

You know that ham-boo?

Ham-boo.

Looks like it's been raining in South Carolina.

Telephone number eight.

Here, we'll try it again.

Telephone number...

No answer there, unfortunately.

Damn it.

We had a camera feed and everything.

Instead, here's Mr. William John Berurton, who lives in Wales.

Wales, there you go.

They get kind of angry there in Wales, don't they?

Oh, yeah, man.

That's the home of King Charles, you know?

Yeah.

Don't forget that.

All right, here we go.

I'll tell him my name is Charles if he answers, or she.

It could be a she.

Hello, yes, my name is Charles.

How are you, sir?

Good morning.

What can I do for you?

Good morning, yes.

I'm going to come by, and I would like you to genuflect for me and get down on one knee.

I want you to, I'm going to come by, and I want you to genuflect for me,

and don't look me in the eye and say, good morrow, good sir, you know.

What do you want?

I am Charles, and I'm coming by.

Yes?

I'm coming by to make an inspection of your home.

For what reason?

I want you to genuflect in front of me when I get there, and then kneel down and walk by.

Why are you coming to do an inspection of your home? For what reason?

We have a bad report that this is a bad home. Bad people are here, and now you're doing bad things.

So I'm coming to do an inspection right now. I'll be there in 20 minutes.

You're violating the royal code.

The king of England is coming, guys.

Can I talk to him?

Just imagine the King of England with a white glove.

Hello?

Hello, please do not hang up.

My name is Sir Roger Wickham, and I'm with the Royal Service.

And we're calling because you have been found to be in violation of the Royal Code.

So we need to come and inspect your house.

In violation of what code?

The Royal Code.

The Royal Code of what?

The Royal Code of Great Britain.

Are you properly displaying the Union Jack?

This is a scam. Goodbye.

No, are you properly displaying the union check in your home?

You're in violation of code 369.

I guess it's a scam.

Just throw a bunch of niners in there.

He'll fucking believe it.

Yeah.

Oh.

All right, and here's what I presume will be the last number of the night.

This is the Bayview Hotel Guam, where the Delmonica kitchen and bar is that we spoke to earlier tonight,

asking if they have steak machines.

Well, here we go.

This is now the hotel.

What did I ask for?

Wasn't I asked for something weird?

I wanted to put the bathroom.

That's right.

That was the first of the people calls that we did tonight.

Yeah, and I know I have to edit the podcast.

I'll get to it.

Yeah, you told somebody it was in their fucking foot tampon.

Because you had a medical device in there.

Yes, hi.

Hi.

Someone drilled a hole in the bathroom by the Delmonica restaurant, you know?

Drilled a hole?

They've drilled a hole in it, and you can look inside the hole in the bathroom

and look at the girls in the women's bathroom from the men's bathroom.

Are you for real?

And there was a man masturbating.

At the restroom?

Yeah, and this man was.

At the restroom in the lobby?

Yeah, and this man was masturbating, looking at it.

And when I walked in, he saw me, and he gasped, and he ran out,

and his erection was hanging out of his pants, and everything was flapping back and forth.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it was going up and down.

It was slapping him in the belly.

It sounded like that when it was running out the...

He had a large erection.

Here, hold on.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Yes, listen.

There was a man with an erection in the bathroom.

There's a male with what?

An erection.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Now?

Yes.

Okay, I'll have somebody check.

Listen, he put...

There was a...

Someone drilled a hole in the bathroom,

and he's looking at the girls in the women's bathroom.

He's looking at the women when they use the toilet.

it and i think he was masturbating and he had an erection and when he saw me he turned around and

he gasped he went like that and then he ran out the door and and his penis was hitting his it was

hitting his belly and it was because it was hard and erect and engorged with blood and it was making

like like that he was running it was bouncing up and down a big penis a hairy penis and testicles

were out and everything his testicles were showing and his penis and his pubic hair hello did you get

all that hello hello hello can you hear me please stop please pay attention to me hello yes this is

serious why are you people laughing about it i'm sorry sir um but it's here in the restroom we'll

have somebody check it out he had a large erection he has his testicles and his penis and his private

Every part, you know, were hanging out of his pants and jumping up and down when he was running.

And I could see, like, his pubic hair and everything.

Oh, where were you, sir?

I walked into the bathroom, and he had an erection, and his pants were at his ankles.

And when he saw me, he turned around when he heard me come in, and he gasped.

And he was holding his penis, and he was looking in this hole that he drilled in the wall to look in the women's bathroom.

And he ran away.

He ran away really fast.

And you're saying this is in the restroom in the lobby of Bayview?

Yeah, he came out running with a large, massive erection.

Why? When did this happen?

Oh, it was not too long ago. It was maybe 15 minutes ago. He was showing off.

I think he was looking at the girls in the women's bathroom. He was looking at women.

Okay, let me send somebody to go check out the hole in the restroom.

Yeah, maybe you can go to the women's restroom, go in there, and then sit on the toilet and pull down your pants and your panties, and he might start watching and you can catch him.

Oh, okay.

Like, if you go in and then sit on the toilet and pull down your little panties, you know, you'll do that.

Is it a serious matter or are you just joking around?

No, it's serious.

I want you to sit on the toilet and pull down your panties.

And then he'll be watching and he'll be masturbating.

And then you can come in and say,

Aha, we found you.

The jig is up.

And show him your peck peck.

What?

Show him your peck peck.

Who's this?

My name is David Sonswell.

Oh, you're going to have somebody check out the girl's restroom, sir.

Have her girl check it out.

Okay.

A woman, a nice woman with natural breasts, big natural breasts.

And a big succulent peck peck.

nice big lips

you know

alright she's done

alright that was fun

we had so much fun

I was gonna say

you should call back

and um

I could tell them

that my wife

was in the restroom

and she noticed a hole

in the stall next to her

and all of a sudden

a big black penis

pressed in through the hole

alright

let's get the glory hole

yeah

dump the penis

through the

oh fuck yeah

oh you heard me

I think

this song

hello

yeah

I'd like to lodge a complaint

May I speak with the manager, please?

Yes, hurry.

Hurry the fuck up.

Hello?

Okay.

Hello, is this the manager?

Yes.

Yes, I'd like to lodge a complaint.

We were eating at the restaurant, and my wife went in to use the restroom, and she was sitting

at the stall, and she noticed that there was a hole in the wall, and suddenly a big black

penis came busting through the hole, and it was just dangling in her face.

She was horrified.

We're so traumatized, we can't even remember the name of the restaurant.

your restaurant okay all right well we are done thank you gentlemen joining baz you're out of here

on your fucking ass can i all right ass too asshole bye bye uk ted you're out of here too

oh if i stayed quiet you'd forget to kick me yeah nope see you bye because you lied about

shut up news hey ken see you later bye he took himself out milkman stop masturbating and take

Take us out of here.

Oh, hey.

All right, man.

I'm back.

The money toy.

Hey, my brother.

That last call was just fucking up.

That's a great ender, man.

That was a nice call, man.

That was a good one, man.

Oh, yeah, man.

Hey, let's get ready to roll them funky chimes.

I want to thank all our friends for stopping in tonight.

That's right.

All of our friends right here in the madhouse want to especially thank you.

It's the Oats and Blues or our numbers hit man.

That's right, man.

And thank you so much.

All this hill's high for a brother.

And don't you lose yours.

Girl, hold it.

Also like to thank all our guests.

Give my pussy.

Jim Stewart, Ted Webb, and Baz, and just about everybody else in the chat room.

Awesome.

So far.

Dirty Aaron, I think, too.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Okay.

Hey, Ben.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

I'd like to thank all our friends over there at Cactus and Phone Losers and on the other

other channel and everybody else in the other chat room and everywhere else thank you so much

for joining in we sure do love you too i'd like to thank a lot of friends right there in the mouth

i need 0.6 the mouth madhouse chat thank you so much man we loaded up tonight had a good time man

thank you so much everybody for helping out and a big shout out to our colonel clay out there

thank you so much and also like to thank you that's right our listeners we do this every

week for you. The most interactive show you can find

right here on the internet.

Tickle on your ear balls. We drop the dime.

We just ask that you give us the time.

Bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy

because they're always welcome right here in the mad

house. What do we do without our fearless

leader of the generalissimo

of the militia of the madhouse?

What do we do without him? Man, hermanito,

thank you so much, man. This was a

great episode, man.

Alright, yay.

That's, uh...

You was cool tonight, man.

You got me cracking up.

You was laughing and having a good time, man.

And I don't give a shit from freaking heck what anybody thinks, man.

I enjoyed listening to you have a good time, man.

Thanks.

That's audio Matt Hillock, by the way, breaking his leg.

Back home, man.

That's him.

That's the other video that they were doing.

Oh, I didn't get the link for that.

Oh, shit.

I had to hurt.

You know what?

I got the video right here.

I'll send it to you on Gort Milk, man.

You can watch it.

It's funny.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Just put Papa Gort's channel.

I'm going to send it to America's Funniest

Video

It's better than the time that I

Kicked you in the balls and I recorded it in the Senate

Okay I appreciate that man

Thank you man because I've been wanting to copy

Alright well anyway

We're out of here everybody

Thank you for listening tonight

Also be sure to

Catch Dirty Aaron on Saturdays

As well as RBCP

And of course Tux

And the Fireside Pranks by the Fire

fireside chat by the fire you know that's a good show fuckers you know thanks a lot it's better

than uh you know anything else that's out there on a friday night prank call wise i'd say check

it out unless you're getting you know porking your girlfriend or something or a girl or a good

boy the best channel in town man right here man the best show in town be found this show in town

Found to be found.

Okay, we're out of here.

Good night, everybody.

Calls (40, 2 h 21 min of 3 h 42 min)

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