Sexual Organs

For more information, consult your local civil defense office.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Hi, people.

Uh, April 28th. April 28th, man.

Month of April is done.

This is the last show of April.

Holy shit, man.

All right, well, hey, everybody.

Good evening.

This is the Madhouse Radio Show,

where I am Carlito, and Milkman here is him also.

Good to hear your melodious tones, my brother.

How's things going, man?

I know you've got some great tricks up your sleeve for us and for tonight.

Hey, I do have tricks up my sleeve.

Thank you.

Good point.

Hope you're doing well.

It's good to hear you too, milkman.

And welcome, good sir.

well everybody what we do here usually is a entertainment kind of thing where we do prank

calls and try to have a good time you know enjoy ourselves we aim to please and i'll be

i'll be taking your request here tonight you get a chance to send those in if you have any of those

you can do so by visiting madhouselive.com

and sending me a request to prank right there.

You can do it right there, guys.

You can also send those requests in the chat room over at madhouselive.com.

Go to the chat section.

It's pretty easy to find.

Click on chat on the main page.

You can join me and many of your fellow Madhouse fans

who are listening live right now to the show.

enjoying and behaving and having a good time they're all enjoying and behaving and having a

good time tonight milkman even prank master what did you say what did you bring him up what's why

you always so in him for he's in the chat man yay prank master

that's awesome well let's get right to it big lonesome loser is a long time contributor to

the show and a good friend of ours my personal friend and he happens to make good lasagna also

Also, I understand, makes a good lasagna and a good meat sauce.

He's sending in lots of numbers here,

and we're going to be getting to those throughout the night.

Here's the first prank of the night.

Get it out of the way.

Here's the first prank, man.

I like you, Milkman.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, don't pay attention to what he said.

Thanks, Milkman.

You had to say that right when she picked up, right?

And she hung up when she heard you say hey like that.

Yay, Milkman.

Pick up.

Remember the first call of the night.

Yay.

See, she didn't pick up, man.

I didn't even hear it close, man.

Jerk off.

All right.

I didn't even hear it close.

Well, here's Beauty Hair Salon in Thailand.

That's called Beauty Hair Salon.

I don't know.

Sorry.

It's okay.

They do Dominican-style beauty salon stuff.

Dominican-style.

Hey, honey baby, how are you?

Hi.

You speak English, honey baby?

Hello.

Hi, is this Honey Baby? How are you?

Hello.

How are you?

Who speaks English?

Who speaks English? Anyone speak English there? Anybody?

No one speaks English there?

Fucking shit. Stupid asshole.

Oh, my.

Hey, why are you hanging up?

Hmm? Don't hang up.

No one speak English there?

Yes.

Yes, no one? Or no yes, no one?

No one speaks English.

Oh, what do you speak? Thai?

Mangway?

Huh?

I hear you know I hear I get I want some I hear you know I hear well I hear I hear I hear do you

know what I hear is come on it's supposed to be a good word that means cunt the c-word milkman

man, but she doesn't want to respond to it.

Why, bitch woman?

Oh, my. She might be attracting

bears right now, you know, some honey bears.

Hey, I gotta report the video

feed's not up. What do you mean it's not up?

Oh, did I hit, I didn't hit start.

I didn't hit start. Somebody sent

a message that the video feed is still

showing meat bin, man. We gotta

reconnect to the proper feed.

Oh, I forgot to hit start on the

video. Shit. Well, now the

video's here. Sorry, I forgot to

hit start on the video, but here we are.

madhouse radio on the video yeah and i'm your host mr penis oh here's the next welcome anderson

salon they got to speak english there right anderson salon in bangkok oh my it's called

anderson hello hey how are you you speak english monkey yeah oh how are you doing honey baby i'm

sorry how are you doing honey baby i'm fine oh good and what how do you do the hair removal there

Do you have any hair removal service?

Hair removal?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

So what do you do exactly?

Do you do nails?

You mean like waxing?

Whatever.

How do you take hair off there?

Do you just do the head hair?

Hair on the head?

Yeah, normally.

You might want to call a place called Hanseek.

Oh, yeah?

Do they shave the balls and the eye here and all that?

I think they do waxing.

What is eye here?

What's that?

Eye here.

What's that?

I've never heard of that.

You've never heard of an eye here?

No.

Eye here, no?

Oh, how do you say what the girl has down there, you know?

How do you say that?

I'm not too sure what you're talking about.

You know the vagina?

You know what a vagina is?

Do you have that in Thailand?

All right, so how do you say that in Thai?

In Thai?

Yeah.

Why would you want to say that?

Well, because I'm going around the street.

I'm going to ask women for things, you know?

And that's one of the things I'm looking for.

So you're calling random people asking these questions?

Well, no.

I wanted to come in and get my hair cut.

But while I have you on the line,

I thought I'd ask you how you say vagina in Thai

so I can go out to older women.

It's not very appropriate.

Is it man or wife?

I mean, generally, worldwide,

you shouldn't be asking a person you've never met

those kinds of questions.

You think it's rude.

What about, how do you say love?

Love. What if I ask a woman for love?

I'm not just going to hang up, okay?

No, don't. Come on, stupid.

Hey, I sent you a number in the Skype chat, man, that was just sent in.

It probably sucks, but thank you.

I'm kidding. I'll get to it.

What is it?

She won't answer again, Milkman.

She was incredulous, incredulous that I would ask such a question,

and why would I need to know how to say that thing down there, you know?

That amazing thing girls have down there.

I had a feeling she was getting a little bit shy there.

She spoke really good English.

She had good diction, you know?

Well, she did quite well as well.

Good diction.

All right.

I bet she could get some, yeah.

These are numbers in Thailand I'm calling on behalf of Lonesome Loser,

our good friend who sent those in.

Be sure to send in your Request a Prank machines yourself.

Big Ken is a big fan of Request a Prank.

Frank, if you don't know how to use it because you're stupid, you can ask him.

He can tell you now.

He knows how.

Right?

The number's hit.

Yes, the number's hit, man.

How you doing, baby?

All right.

Are you picking up a customer tonight, there, big fella?

Oh, yeah, I got to run over somebody here a little bit later.

Run over someone.

Yeah, about 15 minutes or so.

I'll be able to go mobile.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

OK, here's a female woman machine looking to share looking for a roommate to share one bedroom machine apartment.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Sounds like a good time.

This one's from Big Ken that I was talking about.

Oh, the apartment chair.

Big Ken having fun on the air on Friday.

Right. Wasn't he on Friday?

I heard some of that show.

Big Ken has been on the air probably more than eight months lately.

Dude, he's been getting down.

Ken just got to start doing the show.

pretty funny butter calls, too, man.

I don't know what the hell they did. They got some kind

of, I don't know, Tabachi or one of them got some

kind of effects together, and it

felt pretty good, man, actually. They got

a tweet around pretty good, and they was using

that shit. It was funnier than shit. Yeah, Tabachi

was doing the science thing, and he's

the science, science.

He was working on it. He doesn't

sound as good as Brad does it yet, but

he's getting there. Whatever

voice it was that Tabachi was doing

sounded really weird. He kept talking

yeah yeah he he's using some audio effect with like a hardware setup which sounds pretty good

man that was good it sounds good man it was workable and it's real time so that's what

makes it fun he sounded like the freaking you know monster truck commercial guy he's like

sunday sunday that's what he said i'm like sunday sunday sunday

i understand jose did something on thursday i had no uh brent westwood last night dirty

doing a show last night yeah we heard from everybody this week man yeah um i cracked my

ass up because on the last dirty aaron show i finally got to hear it on monday last monday i

listened to it last week show and i don't know did you hear some weird ass freaking they called

some guy and they were they were called some guy about some bunk beds okay and aaron's fucking

with the guy and laugh track matt's fucking with the guy and cobra's fucking with a guy and all

of a sudden out of nowhere he goes he just made this weird it sounded like a mongoloid kid crying

whine like it sounded like it was so weird it was like

and they hung up they called him back and he started doing it like immediately i was like

oh i heard that it was weird yeah it was like recorded on there and then he called it one more

time like the next day or something later i was like recorded that was weird man i just

he's like

I don't know what the fuck

I was like

was it mechanical

or recording or if the guy was

just fucking retarded

I think somebody just like reprogrammed

her voicemail like a greeting message

all of a sudden

it was like they were like patrolling

somebody and all of a sudden that happened

yeah that shit was funny

yeah

yeah there you go so

So Ice Goose really holding it down, too.

Ice Goose asked me, was it Ice?

No, Giad is asking for a copy of that.

He's asking for a copy of that April 21st, Friday night.

Hey, okay, we're going to talk about that.

The only way this is going to happen, dude, is you're going to have to just file transfer directly with me

because my connection sucks so bad.

I have tried to reload this, the Dropbox now, ever since you said,

and every night it comes back, flash error, flash error, flash error.

all night so yeah i don't know we just got through a direct file transfer one of those shows they had

whatever they were doing um the encoder they were using was like coming and going so one of those

shows the only part of it came back it didn't all come back but everything i got i saved and so i'll

just give it all to you and you guys to figure it out all right sounds good we'll try that milk

man we'll try uh try something we'll try a direct transfer on skype maybe you know that's the only

only way it's gonna work for me man because they're like one of them's 54 megs uh-huh uh-huh

154 megs well one of them was 54 megs and it takes forever on dropbox i don't know why it's

so slow but 54 megs is just like crawling i don't know how's your bandwidth you're on that well i

54 megs shouldn't take all night and then have a flash here no should not

Hey, how are you? You speak English?

Milkman, try to reboot your modem.

Hey, how are you?

Hi, you speak English, honey baby?

Yep.

Oh, that's good. Hey, how do you say vagina in Thai?

No, do you know what a vagina is? Do you know what that is? Vagina?

No.

You don't know what vagina is?

Yes.

You do know what vagina is? Yes, you know vagina?

I don't know vagina and what you want to talk to someone. Yeah, right a girl's

Private parts, you know what that is. Wait a minute

Hello, thank you for waiting. Yeah, I was asking if she knows if you guys could let me know how to say vagina in Thai

I apologize, but we seem a little confused. How can I help you again?

do you know what a vagina is do you know what that is oh it's a female sex organ sir yeah very

good yeah and how do you say that word in thai uh hold on a second okay he is asking the word

for vagina vagina female sex organ how do you say that in thai vagina for female organ

where a baby comes out?

No, no, no, chicken.

Just the word.

Yeah, vagina.

In Chinese.

Yeah, how do you say vagina in Chinese?

Show her your vagina.

Maybe she'll see.

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yeah, can you...

Does that understand you?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

They told me the word is jim.

Jim?

Jim.

Apparently it's J-I-M.

Like Jim?

Is that the name?

Yeah.

Oh, are you a Westerner?

What are you doing there?

What's your problem?

them sorry why what are you like a tourist or something like how did you get on here and you

have such good diction i don't know i'm i'm i'm working in the in the hotel oh you have good

english that's a tourist oh okay so i'm just gonna i was just gonna ask around women about

gym then okay about their vaginas you know yep okay are you are you are you are you from the

a hotel by the way yeah uh-huh yeah i have your i have your name oh my name is cross cross are you

a hotel guest uh well yeah i was gonna be staying there and then i wanted to you know bring a

prostitute to the room so i wanted to know what to ask for you know oh i see um i think you have

to refer to the front office because i'm not sure if you will be allowed to bring something like

like that oh do they i'm not sure oh so the front office can send maybe a prostitute uh-huh they'll

send a prostitute for me are you the prostitute or what are you doing oh no no i'm not sir i'm

working in a in a hotel oh what do you do you don't do prostitution oh no no no sorry no

totally not oh would you be interested maybe or oh no sorry i'm sorry is there anything else i

I can help you with?

Yeah, are you a pretty girl?

Sir, I'm already married.

I know, me too,

but I'm on business

and you're working,

so it's okay.

No, sir.

No, thank you, sir.

But I will not be allowed

to further with this conversation.

What about just...

Unless you have anything of...

Anything from the spa

or the hotel, then...

Will you just wash me?

Just wash me?

What?

Shit.

He goes,

Jim.

That's hilarious.

It's Jim.

gin where's gin speaking of gin where is it i've talked to jim wednesday i think

jim i talked to jim wednesday and uh he's doing good that's right man somebody else caught that

too no he said jim with an m like the name she said no fan didn't you listen yeah he said jim

all right whatever jim let's call that lady back i'm gonna call the lady who didn't want to share

the info with me how did this girl this lady she i asked her do you know what a vagina is like

she didn't even stutter she's like yeah it's a female sex organ

you know i was looking in the headphones you could hear the whole thing man i was muted in

her eyes she wanted to know the word sexual organ for a woman vagina vagina how are you

she didn't even skip a beat she's just like oh yeah i know you mean oh she won't answer

her. Maybe I can at least leave her her voicemail, you know? Let's see if she has voicemail.

And it goes beeps and then fast beeps. Man, that means it didn't work. Big UFC fight last

night. Jon Bones Jones won in the first round. Beat the shit out of that Sonnen guy. Sonnen

sucks. They finally got to fight each other. I understand. Salmon? Yeah, Salmon got his

his ass kicked yeah he couldn't swim upstream and john jones kicked him in the face and the

nuts and the penis in the gym all right let's see what else we have here crazy fucker says

i'm a sick puppy with mental problems interesting what's that milkman what'd you say i said you know

grandpa always said don't you uh i'm having a heart attack it'll feel better when it quits

certain son okay thanks very weird uh very weird very creepy milkman thank you that's wisdom of

the ages for you man that's packed down from generations of generations upon generations of

generations of milkman family men ancient tradition there here's the next spa we gotta

find a good spa in thailand place that'll give us gym gym prepayment balance is insufficient

insufficient please make a payment your prepayment balance is insufficient please make a payment of

what oh look at now same number good morning how may i help you good morning there is this lady

boy sir yes is this the spa in thailand that i'm going to just a moment hello vagina

vagina hello hi how are you hi yes sir how are you hi say say hello say hello to me hi

fuck me man echo i'm gonna move for some fried chicken man fried chicken good morning

how may i help you do you hear me okay now yes oh what do you need sir how may i help you well

Well, I was wondering, what in Thai, what is the word for the penis?

Sorry, this is a pa.

All right, well.

You need to call the information center.

No, GM.

You know GM?

Who?

GM.

No, I don't know her.

You know her, GM?

No.

No?

Oh, do you know vagina then?

He sounds like a lady boy, doesn't he?

I think that's a word they're not quite yet.

Good morning, pa.

How may I help you?

Yeah, is it because you're a ladyboy? You don't understand? What's wrong?

If you will do the spa or whatever, I can entertain you.

But you're talking about rude things, which I don't understand.

Well, how will you entertain me if I go there?

Are you a boy or a girl? Can you answer that first? I need to know. Please.

It's none of your business.

You don't even know yourself? You're not sure? What's happening? What's the matter?

I know myself, but it's not for you to inform.

So you're a man?

Who cares?

I do.

You care?

Yeah, I care.

So shut up, okay?

Bye.

Wow, dude.

Oh, bye.

Very nice.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Hello?

I was going to tell him about the king of Thailand and having a jam,

but no answer there, you know what I mean?

All right, here's the guy who's funny.

He's like the Bill Bollocks of Thailand.

The Bill Bollocks of Thailand.

It is.

Geez.

Why do you care?

All right.

Here's a remote.

And I don't know if that's a person that we're calling or a business, but let's do it, Milkman.

Yay.

Is that the one I sent you or somebody sent me?

Hey, Boni Safa.

Take me by the hand.

How are you?

Hi.

Do you speak English?

Yes.

Oh, that's good.

Do you have a GM there?

GM T-Holiday.

GM.

Yes.

Do you have a GM?

No.

No?

You have a penis?

You have penis?

No.

Today, tea holiday.

Do you have penis or vagina?

Yes.

Yeah?

What about the king of Thailand?

Is he a stupid?

Hmm?

The king of Thailand, he's a stupid, right?

Don't you think?

No.

Oh, come on.

And you take your pants off, and the king of Thailand comes in, and he says, no, I

don't like that.

You're a girl.

I want a boy.

You know?

No.

Yes, come on.

You and me.

You and me together forever.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, come on.

Let's get married.

Come on.

And let's have...

Come on, let's have babies.

No, no.

Yes.

Yes, stupid.

And then I'll abuse you.

I'll punch you in the gut, you know?

And I'll be mean to you in front of my friends.

And I'll say, hey, slant-eye, go get me some rice and beer, you bitch.

That's what I'll say to you.

And I'll say, go get me another beer.

And I'll throw the empty beer bottle at you, and I'll tell you to get me another beer.

You know?

Poochie?

What?

Poochie.

Hmm?

Poochie?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, come on.

Oh.

Hello.

Hi.

Is this...

Mister.

Hey, how are you?

Is this a different person or the same person?

What do you want?

The king of Thailand.

He's handsome.

The king of Thailand is handsome.

He's a good-looking man.

Mister, now massage.

Yeah, can I give...

As much as I can, yes.

Yeah, do you give dirty massage?

What do you want?

Do you give happy ending massage?

Hmm?

Do you give happy ending massage?

Leg massage?

Yeah, a leg massage.

Yes.

There you go.

Yes, I have.

Do you give penis massage?

Yes.

Okay.

Do you give ass massage?

Head massage.

On the ass.

Ass.

Head.

Ass.

I don't understand.

Do you know what an ass is?

Is there someone else who speaks English there?

Oh, just one man, please.

Okay, honey.

my asshole.

Yeah, how are you? You speak English or no?

Uh, a little. Oh, okay.

Do you know how you massage the

asshole? You know that? What?

The asshole? You know what an asshole is?

No. Do you know the ass?

You know what an ass is or no?

Don't say uh-huh if you don't know. Damn it.

I

don't know.

Oh, fuck.

What about, uh, what, GN?

You know GN?

How do you spell it?

J-I-M.

Uh-huh.

No.

Oh, what about vagina? Do you know vagina?

Vagina.

Uh, the organ, right?

Yeah, the sexual organ.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

We don't have that, uh, massage.

Oh, but do the girls show, you know, show the vagina?

We only, uh, we have only the body massage, foot massage.

What about the penis massage?

No, no sexual massage.

Oh, come on.

What about, can we just kissing?

Sorry, we only have the normal massage.

No sexual organ massage then?

No.

No?

What if I bring in a piano, like an organ?

Can we massage, do a body massage on top of the organ?

They sure say that.

They keep saying organ.

Oh, yeah, I know the organ.

I know the organ.

They probably got a dictionary, and that's the first thing that comes up.

It comes up really fast.

Jeez.

Yeah.

It comes right up every time.

Because the two times they just rattle around.

I wonder what they'd say if you said pussy, man.

If they'd catch it or not.

Whenever I say, yeah, I say vagina.

Oh, yeah, the sexual organ of the woman.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

Yeah, you're pretty smart there, little lady.

A little polka melody, huh?

Whoop.

Polka melody.

Right.

You on the old squeeze box.

All right.

Off around like the month on my rascal scooter.

Yeah, man.

Look, man, I'd like to stuff you inside a piano.

You know?

Just throw you out.

That's after you take a poop in it, right?

Yeah.

Just stuff you inside.

Close the door real hard so you hit yourself.

It'll be good.

Oh, shit.

That'll make my fingers feel good.

I'll take your guitar and hit you over the head with it, too.

Oh, shit.

You are going to sabotage me.

Hey, man, what do you want to talk?

Yeah, hey, massage a spa?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is there a defecation rule there?

areas or if I have to use the bathroom? You mean, pardon? On the toilet, you know? You mean

bathroom, right? Yeah. Do you have toilet? Yes. Okay. And can I use the bath, the toilet over

there? Just only toilet, right? Well, I want to use massage while I'm using the toilet. Okay. Yeah.

All right. So I'm going to sit on the toilet and then the girl comes and massages me.

Serum 21.

Huh?

What?

Just for men's piss.

Hello.

Hi.

Aloha.

Yes.

Yeah, I wanted to sit on the toilet and use the toilet while the massage is happening.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Do you have a toilet or a hole on the floor?

You like to finish massage and take a shower, right?

No, and take a shit, you know?

You don't want to sit down on the toilet and, you know?

No. You know what it is when you sit down on the toilet?

No.

Do you know when you push out the shit out of your asshole?

I don't understand what you mean.

You know what kaka is?

You know poopy kaka? Kakaliki?

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, do you know what feces are? Do you know what that is?

And you want to use the toilet before massage, right?

No, while in the middle, during the massage.

No, we don't have.

You know make zukara? You know what that is?

Zukara?

Oh, excuse me, sorry, I don't understand.

Do you know what zookara is?

Do you know what that is?

Sookara?

Sookara, I don't know.

Sookara.

No, I don't know.

What is it called when you sit on the toilet and you push out?

What is that called?

Excuse me, sorry.

What do you want to do in the toilet?

You want to come for massage and then go to toilet or?

No, at the same time.

No, we don't have.

Sorry.

We have just massage.

Will the woman watch me while I'm on the toilet?

We have only massage.

You have toilet though, right?

We have toilet and we have just massage.

And what's the toilet for?

What you want, I don't understand.

If I'm going to use the toilet, I want the woman to give me a massage while I'm on the toilet.

No, we don't have. We don't have.

Okay. All right. So just massage?

Yes.

Okay. And what if I use the bathroom during the massage on the table?

No, we don't have.

Okay. Well, can I... When do you use the toilet? When do you use it?

Excuse me. Sorry. I don't know what you want. Sorry.

Did you use the toilet today?

He took a cuckoo, I think.

He's telling on me.

He's saying he's going to take a shit while we massage him.

Fuck that.

Massage your cuckoo.

Hey, how are you doing?

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

I'm sorry that I said that about toilet.

No toilet, okay?

Yeah, we have definitely massage.

If you want, after massage, you want to go for, take a bath after massage, we have, we can prepare for you.

And the bathroom, the restroom bathroom, we have.

Okay, but not at the same time?

What, the same time?

Yeah, toilet and massage at the same time?

No, we don't have.

That's only massage on the bed.

After massage, you want to take a bath on the restroom, you can use.

But after that, if you don't want to take a shower or less room, that means finished.

Okay, can I fart and shit and piss on the bed?

Pardon?

Can I take a shit on the bed?

Cannot.

You know, can I use the bathroom on the bed?

Go to bathroom on the bed?

Bathroom on the bed, I don't understand.

You don't have, sorry.

I'm going to take off my clothes, right?

Take off my clothing?

Yeah.

And I'm going to clean my bowels, you know?

No, I'm going to clean and take a shit on the bed.

No, no.

I'm so sorry.

I don't understand.

You know, I wish, honey, that I knew how to say to take a shit.

You don't know what it is?

All right.

I don't know, really.

Thank you.

Sorry.

So sorry.

Maybe I'm stupid.

I don't know.

Maybe the king of...

That's only massage on the bed.

Then massage, we have the new hygiene underwear for you for massage.

After that, finish.

If you want to take a shower or use the restroom, you can use it.

After that, that means finish.

But I want to use the restroom on the bed.

Do you understand yet?

Bo-u-ki.

Oh, I don't understand.

I say sorry to you.

I'm really apologize.

I don't understand your meaning.

I don't understand.

Porua Jaipai Hongnam?

Yeah.

You mean during the massage, you want to go to the restroom, right?

Inside the bedroom, inside the bed.

Inside the bedroom, we have the room, have the restroom inside.

You can take a shower or something else inside the massage room.

We have the bathroom and yeah.

I want to do the bathroom business on the bed while the woman is massaging and then right there.

Oh, I don't know.

We don't have.

Listen, the woman massaging and I go.

No, no, no.

Yeah.

I cannot.

Yeah, I do that.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

And then.

Now we are full of booking.

I'm so sorry.

And then you eat it.

You eat it.

You know?

You know how to eat it.

Thank you.

Thank you for your calling.

One minute.

I'm sorry, we don't understand.

Wait, honey, the king of Thailand, you know the king of Thailand?

He's stupid.

The king of Thailand is stupid.

Oh.

Oh, I'm dying, man.

I mean, I'm stupid.

I don't understand.

Yes, yes.

The king of Thailand is an asshole.

Oh, man.

You're a nut, man.

Shit, the bad Brad target ain't Fred.

Okay.

Maybe I need to come up with...

I think she finally got it when you went up there.

She fully understood.

Oh, no.

No.

She's probably on that back.

All right.

Let's pick up a new premise here.

Here is a bedroom set and dinner table for $500.

Hank has a nice bedroom set, a little wear and tear, but nothing major.

Dinner table, not really been used, about to move, so that's why I'm selling it.

I'm going to keep the mattresses for the bed.

Really good

But call Hank or text anytime

Alright, 500-O-B-O

O-B-O

Yeah, is this Big Hank?

Yeah

Oh, hey, so you have this table and a bed set, right?

That's correct

But you're not giving away the mattress?

The mattress is private?

Yeah, I'm going to keep my mattress

Oh, are you going to sleep on the mattress on the floor?

No, I'm going to get another bed one for you

Oh, alright

So, can you sell them?

Do they have to be together?

or can I buy just the table?

I want to do a silver, but I'll do just table.

All right, because that's all I need, all right, Hank?

And don't give me a hard time.

All right, so I'm going to shoot you a figure here for $380 for that table.

Okay.

All right, and can I go see the table?

Is it in your house right now, or is it packed up, or where is it?

It's in my house.

All right, and I can come by and take a look.

You can show it to me?

Yeah.

All right, and then can I, like, pick you up and throw you on top of the table?

and kiss you all over your body.

Yeah.

You know, and touch your hair everywhere, wherever you have hair.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and you want to touch your bathing suit area.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

You like that idea?

So what the fuck do you want?

Do you want to bed a table or not?

Well, since you don't have the bed, no mattress,

then I'm going to have to fuck you on the table, you know?

Would that be all right?

No, I don't want to bed a table.

What?

Hey, are you stupid?

Why are you not talking?

Hey.

I was going to throw you on the table and kiss you all over your body.

What?

I wanted to throw him on the...

Oh, is there a girl there?

Are you down?

Maybe I could throw you on the table.

This is...

Oh, this is Cross.

I'm going to need for you to get a life and may God be with you.

No, there's no God.

There's no God.

Oh my

That guy was down for a few minutes man

He sounded like

I thought it was Ken

On the down low I did

Hello

Hey you just want to do this on the down low

Me and you

She doesn't have to know

No if you want to

You know

702-757-121

Just do it on the down low

Come on

That's what I'm going to do

what are you talking about he's got he's got my number watch out milkman he's gonna come

that's big hank and his in this kissing table terrifying development

hank and his kissing table okay all right let me find another number here then

big alicia i have a treeing walker coonhound 19 months old will run and tree own coon by himself

okay you know like a coonhound sir jackets heck damn is river bend roxy has a great mouth

what roxy has a great mouth i don't know what the fuck that means

Coonhound?

You're talking about a coonhound?

Coonhound, yeah, you know.

Follow the mark, man.

Follow the oop, oop.

That's important to coonhounds.

Yeah.

Yeah, they do the oop, oop.

And the red fern grows out where you bury them.

I was so sad, man, when that dog died.

But they always sniff each other's ass first.

Hey, you have a coonhound?

Yeah, it's a walker.

Yeah, I wanted to, will you chase black people?

I wanted to maybe have them chase some black people around the neighborhood.

no is he a racist dog no oh i i train racist dogs you know i have a black guy named buckwheat and i

pay him money to beat a dog all the time and the dog gets a feared anger at black people you know

you know what i mean you think this dog would be good for that no no do you is the dog gun shy can

i shoot guns around the dog yeah yeah can i say you stupid fucking dog and i'll shoot the gun in

in the air and i'll call him stupid and i'll throw stuff at the dog yeah do you have a toilet i can

you can i use your toilet who is this oh this is cross i was calling about the coonhound yeah what

about it well i wanted to come see him but i need to see if i can use your toilet while i'm there

yeah well why don't you go the fuck up well you shut up i want to go to the bathroom with the

coonhound and sit on the toilet and have him sit on my lap and i'll pet him like this go the fuck

I'm going to pet him like he's, like, my little chicken.

You're right, Ed.

Bubba there wasn't having no part of that chicken shit.

That scared him there.

Can you maybe I sit on you?

Dude, look, you probably don't know who you're talking to,

but I live in Hawkins County Sheriff's Department,

so I can get you for phone harassment.

Oh, my God.

I'll file in and go up.

Oh, my God.

But I can't get you for phone harassment.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

I'm scared.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm blocking my number.

You have no idea what it is.

I'm using a blocker, a phone blocker.

Yeah, okay.

I see your number, dumbass.

I can trace the call.

I'm with the sheriff's department.

Oh, everyone's with the sheriff's.

What's your ID number with the sheriff?

336.

Yeah, too bad it's a five-digit number.

Not in Dawkins County, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is, because I'm friends with the sheriff.

As a matter of fact, I play golf with him.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah.

What is it?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, who's the sheriff?

Joe Ross.

Yeah, that's him.

He's the secret sheriff.

Oh, is he?

He's the real sheriff.

Yeah, he's in command in the background.

The Illuminati placed him, and then the sheriff that serves that got elected, he doesn't call the shots.

I know the real sheriff.

The real sheriff, Raleigh Lawson.

You're a fucking dumbass.

If I could say it all again, I'll get you for phone harassment.

I dare you.

I don't like that guy.

He's threatening me.

Dude, close the fuck up.

Seriously.

God damn.

Well, you're going to get me traced now, or?

oh damn hey yeah would you like to talk to this guy because i can get him on the phone right now

uh you probably shouldn't do that now yeah i probably shouldn't you probably shouldn't call

back can i call like one more time at least just let me ask him if i can call again here

no i think we can do something he just picked up and hung up asshole

Well, I was going to say, I think we can do some

toon dog now. That'll really get

him going. I saw

Milkman. He was very

high. Alright. Is there

anyone who can do alone? I have a family

and I'm unemployed. I wish to

reinstate my CDL

and get back to work. If anyone will,

I will replay up to double.

Big Jim wants a loan so he can

bring... Oh, Jesus. Alright.

Why not? Just trying to get

that CDL license, you know?

Oh, my.

That's a lot of money right there.

Is it really?

I don't know.

Yeah, they're expensive, dude.

You make a lot of money.

Every year?

Fuck.

That's four.

Whenever you got a voice.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Come on, man.

I want to give you a loan, man.

Come on, man.

Hello?

Hey, big guy.

How you doing?

I'm losing.

Oh, this is Cross.

I see here someone, Jim there, was calling or asking about a loan.

Needed some money.

No, you've got the wrong number, sir.

No, I'm looking for Jim.

He wants to reinstate his CDL.

Oh, maybe you don't know about it.

Who?

Jim.

Jim, CDL?

Is this Jim?

Yeah.

Hey, Jim, you're looking for some money to reinstate your license?

I was, yeah.

You're not anymore?

You don't want any money?

I do.

You said you were.

Okay, why doesn't she know about that?

She doesn't know that you've got money problems?

I think she would know that I asked for a little help.

Oh, all right.

Alright, well, yeah, sure. I mean, what do you like to do? What do you get into?

Well, my profession is driving a truck.

Yeah?

And I know a lot about sheet metal fabrication and boilers.

Alright. Alright, I can come over and meet you, and maybe, you know, what we mean, you could have some time together, you know, and get to know each other a little better, and I can give you the money.

Alright.

How much do you need?

Well, it's about $700.

All right, and then for $700, then maybe I can kiss you, you know, for a few minutes, and then I can watch you masturbate?

No.

What about your wife? Is she willing to, you know?

No, I'm not interested in anything like that. I'm just looking, you know, for a while.

Well, if your wife, you and your wife, if you guys will have sex with each other while I watch and I masturbate, I won't get involved.

i'll just watch him masturbate you too and i'll give you a thousand dollars and you don't have

to pay it back ask her she'll do it no it's got to be now call back tomorrow it's got to be now

it's got to be now i'm horny now i'll give you a thousand and no payback it wasn't not even a loan

i'll give you a thousand dollars and you have make love to your wife and i'll watch ask her

let me talk to her i'm good with women i can work it out what i might do that you might do that you

well ask her it's got to be tonight it's got to be tonight you can't do anything tonight

oh man why not i i got kids you know i gotta get them up school that's bold are they sleeping now

i'll come over tonight and i'll watch y'all watch you two making love to each other beautiful love

how long you guys been married how long you been married for and he hung up dude he's thinking

about it look man you know who's gonna pork his wife for me it's awesome holy shit that was like

Like that movie, Indecent Proposal.

Shit.

Indecent Proposal.

Why not, Milkman?

I'd fuck my wife for $1,000.

I could do it for that.

Anyway, poor dumb guy.

Milkman, are you there?

I think Milkman's with his customer.

Oh, man, you got to hear the guy.

All right.

Dance classes.

Personal coach who will work with you to improve your appearance,

presentation

and confidence

this one comes from

Lonesome Loser Machine

hey how are you

you're Mr.

the dancing

the big dancing guy

yes

oh what kind

do you teach

salsa dancing

oh my name is

Cross

Hector Cross

how are you

okay

I'm good

my name is Almanzo

I teach salsa

not just salsa

I teach all you know

classes in America

dances

ballroom dances

ballroom

do you like to do

passionate dancing

and underwear

underwear passionate dancing

soon yeah okay so i've liked to dance with my underwear on only in a pair of socks all right

where do you live oh well i'm gonna be in the area here in about 12 hours uh stopped here the

gas station and i went on my iphone and i was looking for a partner for tonight so i don't

know if you're free tonight but maybe what we'll do is we'll get down in our underwear and we'll

We'll look at each other.

Yeah, and we'll smell each other, and we'll dance.

Oh, no, hey, no, no, professional dancer, and, you know, I'm not interested about that.

Oh, but underwear dancing, you know?

No, no, no, no.

I mean, you want, you know, I teach you underwear dancing, or, I mean, what is your goal?

Well, do you, you know when Tom Cruise was dancing in a t-shirt in his underwear, remember, in that movie?

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I want, I want to learn how to do that, so.

Oh, okay, okay, that's, you know, different conversation, because, you know, I'm very

serious about, you know, teaching dancing, so.

Yeah, so then I'm going to, I'm going to get, we'll both get in our underwear, and then

we'll dance.

Both, no, I'm not going, you know, to do that, so I can understand, you know, if you like,

you know, some movies, and, you know, if you like, you know, some popcorn movies, and,

you know, do choreography, you know, from there, and dance, that's possible, but.

All right, I have this piano keyboard that goes on the floor, you know,

and you play it with your feet.

Okay, and?

Well, you know, that was in that movie with Tom Cruise,

and he was in his underwear, and he came out,

and he was playing the piano in the mall, you know,

and he got in his underwear, and he was playing Great Balls of Fire

on the piano with his feet.

Okay, I understand.

So, I mean, where do you live?

Well, I told you, I'm from Alaska, and I'm doing a road trip.

Okay, good.

I got to dance.

I got ants in my pants, and I got to dance, and I want to take off my T-shirt and everything

and show you my underwear.

We'll smell each other first, you know?

Ah, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I'm not interested, so better for you, you know, to find another dance.

Do you like that old-time rock and roll?

Ah, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You heard it right.

I like the old-time rock and roll.

whatever i'm mixing a tom cruise movie and the tom hanks movie was it a tom hanks movie

what's the one with the piano on the floor in the mall was that tom cruise also no i know there

are two different movies i'm not stupid i'm just was that big yeah it was big it was right it was

a tom hanks movie what was it remember there was like big came out and then it was another

shitty version of it with that kid from the fucking uh wonder years that was like a k-mart

version of big where he became an adult it wasn't as cool as big vice versa he just switched with

his dad now what's the tom cruise movie in the underwear is it tom cruise that came out and he

was in his underwear i know it's a different movie i'm i'm thinking it was tom cruise i saw

a movie today i went to the movie theater i saw oblivion with tom cruise that tom cruise can make

make a good movie you know risky business is mikey 129 gold star for mikey 129 he called that first

i don't know if it's right everyone else seems to be confirming it so there you go all right

let's continue here that old time rock and roll i was that the right song from risky business that

is the song right that movie was jimmy savile jimmy savile with a cigar all right here's an

Indian restaurant. They're always fun. This one's

in Adelaide. Australia.

Australia, where

they invented soccer.

Hey, is this Indian food?

Indian restaurant? Yeah. Can I make orders?

We close every Monday night.

Monday means we don't open. Oh, when do you

have bhenchod available? Sorry?

When do you have bhenchod available?

Bhenchod?

Actually, today we are closed. Yeah, but

when is bhenchod there available?

When? I'm sorry, I couldn't understand.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Nunu just started posting a whole long curse in Indian.

my soul.

And when I'm thinking about the days of old,

I like that fucking rock and roll.

All right, let me catch up here to Lunsum, see where he's at.

Coffee Society, Thailand.

All right, Coffee Society Machine.

That's a good one for the UK later.

I'm calling from the Coffee Society.

United Coffee Society.

Hello, Coffee Show.

Sawasdee krap.

Is this Coffee Society?

Yes.

I'm calling from Coffee Machine.

I'm calling from the Coffee Machine.

Coffee Machine.

Yeah.

I don't know.

How big is your coffee machines?

This Coffee Society, yeah.

Machine, machine.

Machine.

Oh, machine.

Computer.

Yeah, computer machine.

Uh, Taiwan one more.

Yeah, and what about vagina?

Do you understand that, vagina?

Oh, I don't know a little bit.

Do you know sexual organs?

I don't know.

Oh, you listen to Snoop Dogg back there?

I hear sexual eruption, man.

Sexual eruption.

Hell yeah, man.

I'm down with that.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't know.

You smoke some drugs and you listen to Snoop Dogg, you know, and you drink some coffee?

Yeah, and Snoop Dogg and drugs.

Drugs. Marijuana. You smoke marijuana and drink coffee.

Mac.

McDonald's.

Good morning. I'm going to go out and speak to you.

Yes, hi. I'm calling about vagina.

Hello.

Yeah, I'm calling about vagina.

And Mac, no come here.

No go there?

Yeah.

Oh, okay. What about Gian? Gian?

Oh, okay. What is your name?

My name is Gian.

Huh?

Gian.

Gian?

Uh-huh.

Okay, okay.

I am Gian.

Damn.

Whatever.

Okay.

He seemed to like that one.

Where did you go, Milkman?

You disappeared.

Why didn't you talk to me?

Good morning, the Peninsula Chokespeak.

Hi, is this Bhenchod?

This is the Peninsula Bangkok Chokespeak, sir.

Okay, you know Peninsula sounds like penis.

Excuse me, sir?

You know what a penis is?

Penis?

Yeah.

Yes, how may I help you, sir?

Do you know the man's sexual organ?

Is this Penis Bangkok?

Is that who I'm calling?

No, this is the Peninsula Bangkok.

Okay, and are you a boy or a girl?

What can I do for you?

Well, I'm looking for...

This is the Peninsula Bangkok.

I think you've got the wrong number.

I'm looking for Penis Bangkok Cafe.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Peninsula.

Okay, it's Peninsula.

Yeah, this is the hotel.

Okay.

Not the one that you're looking for.

Okay, so then can I go down there and I take my pants off?

Yeah, okay.

For you?

You can on you.

You want to see my underwear?

No.

I want to show you my underwear.

I have nice underwear on tonight.

And he just plays music.

You can do while I'm holding the line, okay?

All right?

What can I do?

You can do while I'm holding the line.

You can listen to music, okay?

For how long?

Yeah.

How long?

I'll put you on hold.

Why?

He's been on you, okay?

I don't want to put...

No, don't put me on hold.

No.

Okay.

I can't see.

You put your hand on...

I put your hand on hold.

You listen to music.

What the fuck?

What did I ask?

You're talking to me with the music.

What a dickhead.

Musical punishment.

What a fucking asshole that guy is.

I'm going to hang up and call him back.

What a dickhead.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You can listen to music.

I'll put you a hole.

Morning, Japanese Rajhuk speaking.

Oh, I didn't want to listen to music.

I don't like that.

Oh, I see why you finish so fast.

Yeah, I don't like that.

Why you hang up so fast.

I don't like music.

Oh.

No.

I think you finish so fast now.

No, I'm not.

I take a long time.

I'm going to go take my pants off and take off my shirt.

Once again, huh?

For you.

this guy's little he's a little twit this guy

holy shit he really enjoys that man it's like entertaining what an asshole

yeah hi there's music playing on the phone

music music uh-huh yes can you play music

okay okay do you have music there that you play

shit okay if you can get them both on hold you can get stereo that's what i was gonna do

i wonder how long this guy's gonna keep me on hold for oh no dude he is really

really getting down that's why i said call on the other line man

hey well why what song is that it's a good song i like it um i'm really busy i'm sorry i got

and I'll talk to you right now, okay?

Who are you talking to?

Goodbye.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, man.

They have nice music there, Milkman.

I think they do.

Excellent quality, man.

Very entertaining.

Let's call back a gay dancing guy in Mississippi.

That guy lives in Mississippi, the gay dancing guy.

He's got to watch out.

There's not a very gay-friendly city.

Very state.

Oh, that's not the dog guy?

Yeah, the guy that we're going to dance in our underwear.

Hello, this is Omar.

I'm not available right now.

please leave a message and i'll call you back as soon as possible and remember dance and be happy

yeah dance and be happy yeah man yeah all right well he's not answering there now

hey everybody thought i'd yell on the microphone to scare you all in case you weren't paying

attention this is madhouse radio i am carlito the host we are continuing with our show here

but i do have to step out and get a little bit of water and urinate i gotta pee i gotta excrete

water and then i'm gonna drink water you know it's a whole thing but i gotta do it i gotta use

the bathroom and get something to drink real quick because i'm thirsty uh so then we'll play

a prank call man you know here's a prank call from 2010 no 2009 according to the computer machine

this one is called this is los angeles great prank call i'll be right back in about four or

five minutes i will be back with uh an empty bladder a full cup glass of ice water and i

might even get some chicken that's over there that's waiting for me all right i'll be right

back bye thursday night no it's not no it's not madhouse radio is most definitely not thursday

All those damn promos.

Madhouse Thursday night.

Can't even use them anymore.

Oh, I am back from toilet.

Back from using my male sexual organs in the toilet.

Yeah.

It's called See If Turkish Horse Answers.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Sure, how can I help you?

Yes, I would like the chicken dish.

What's that one chicken dish?

It's pretty popular.

It's got like a yogurt sauce.

Chicken shish kebab?

Yes, that's the one.

It's very good, I heard.

My friend had it.

Okay.

Okay, and that's it.

Why can't I come pick it up?

Chicken shish plate.

It's going to be ready in ten minutes.

All right, and will the owner put his male sexual organ on it?

All right.

Damn it.

Well, maybe he'll call back now.

Now, the horse likes to call after he gets a prank.

Lately, he's been doing that a lot.

You know what I mean?

Dude, I don't know, dude.

I think you put him in heart failure there for a while, man.

He's really not been calling back as much.

Yeah, man.

No, the last few weeks after I called this restaurant, he calls back after a few minutes to talk shit.

He calls back from a blocked number, but he calls from his cell phone, I think, Milkman.

Oh, he's just babbling that crazy Greek-ass Turkish shit or whatever the fuck he's talking about.

Then he'll say, you know, you called me a godless motherfucker last time.

You godless motherfucker.

The fuck do you mean godless motherfucker, you stupid shit?

I think this is Charlie.

Let's see what's up with Big Charlie.

I don't know.

No, I don't have any labels on these names, numbers anymore.

I just have the numbers, but I think this is the right area code.

Hello?

Hey, Charlie.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Kenny.

I'm Kenny.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm happy.

Yeah, listen, do you have a male sexual organ?

You know?

Say again?

Do you have your male sexual organ tonight?

Do you have your male sexual organs?

No.

You know what a penis is?

A dick?

A big dick?

You know?

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I'm not talking to you, okay?

Maybe you're a girl.

Maybe you're stupid.

Oh, come on, man.

You don't want to talk.

Yes, I know the video is private time.

It's private Carlito time right now over here.

You need to be watching what I was doing.

Male Sexual Organ.

Maybe that'll be the title of this show.

By the way, all the shows are pretty much edited.

I can upload them except for the next one in the sequence is cut off at the end of it.

Tabachi's working on fixing it.

He edited the shows for us.

Thanks, Tabachi.

But there's a problem with the next one in the order,

so I haven't uploaded all three of them.

The other two are ready to go.

There's just a slight issue with that one episode being cut off,

but as soon as Tabachi can get that fixed,

I'm going to upload all three at once,

so they will be caught up with the exception of tonight's show.

Yay.

Good.

So look out for that.

Charlie seems really calm, right?

He didn't seem to be in a bad mood.

He's like, no, no, no.

I don't have time to talk to you.

Goodbye.

He's been meditating.

Maybe he's playing a lot of golf.

It's calming him down, you know.

Maybe he's getting some strange.

Hello, may I help you?

Yeah.

Hi, can I make an order?

Sure.

What can I get for you?

Oh, the number three?

The number three?

Yeah.

Okay.

What is number three?

The number three, the spring roll.

Okay.

Okay, and then can I get Charlie's male sexual organ in the food also?

Hello?

Yeah, can I get Charlie's male sexual organs?

What are you trying to say?

Male sexual organ.

Male sexual organs.

No, we don't have that.

Hello?

Yeah, I would like the male sexual organ.

We don't have that.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, we don't have.

Sorry about that.

What about Charlie's, though?

I know Charlie has one, right?

You know who Charlie is, right?

He owns the place?

Yes, yes.

Yeah, who are you?

Are you his son?

No, I'm his worker.

Okay, he's kind of busy right now.

Are you in the family or you just work there?

No, I just work here.

Yeah, he's a real jerk to me all the time, you know?

Well, yeah, you are not living here.

And I think I was trying to take your order.

I've been nice to you.

So the word you were saying earlier is very insulting.

Male sexual organ?

Yeah, that is very insulting to me.

Okay, but some places have male sexual organs that they cook up, you know?

No, we don't have that.

Chinese plants.

Do you have a secret menu for Chinese people?

No, we don't have that.

Okay, what if you just show me your male sexual organs?

Show it, you know, pull down your pants a little bit and let me see it when I go there?

It's okay.

Yeah, actually we don't have that.

Yeah?

Okay.

No?

Yeah, I've been trying to be nice to you, so yeah, I just tell you that we don't have that organ.

So you don't have male sexual organ, what do you have?

you have a female sexual organ you do is that what you have uh no we don't have that too and

do you have do you have breasts and vagina no thank you okay yeah you're welcome yeah do you

want to see my my private parts oh no thank you you don't like that thing yeah you have girlfriend

vietnam nope i don't have no you have boyfriend no i don't have you want to talk maybe we have

have some coffee uh no i will try to do business here yeah so if you really want to talk and you

can talk to some other you know like uh private phone yeah we try to do business hey who's the

woman who's the woman that works there a lot is that charlie's wife yes indeed okay what's her

name uh becky becky is charlie's wife yes all right and they hang out is she there now no she's

not here right here right now so she's not there and charlie is cooking in the back right now yes

yes absolutely okay that's why i told you it's easy yeah do you like do you like do you like

working with him is he a nice guy to you yeah they are very nice to me does he do you know

what chinga to maleway means uh excuse me do you know what is chinga to maleway no i don't know

that he says that and third uh he says that oh yeah uh i'm kind of busy right now i was kind

I'm not taking other people's order.

Okay.

You might call some other time, okay?

Can I call?

Do you think Charlie will talk to me if I call later?

No.

Please.

I wish you would consider yourself, okay?

You want me to do what?

Did he say he wants me to punch myself?

The fuck did he say?

I want you to punch yourself.

Hey, that new guy you have there is pretty nice.

Hello?

Yeah, that new guy there is pretty nice.

You're pretty nice.

Yeah, I'm that new guy.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're a nice guy.

I like you.

Okay, thank you.

Why are you answering Charlie's cell phone?

Actually, that's not a cell phone.

That's the working place phone now.

Oh, this is the working place phone?

Yeah, yes.

Oh, is Charlie still busy?

Yes, he's cooking.

Oh, because I wanted to let him know you're pretty good.

What's your name?

I want to let him know you do a good job.

My name is Mark.

If there's anything you want me to help, I can help you, okay?

And you're Asian.

I have another phone call up.

I have to hang out, and it's nice to talk to you, okay?

Okay, nice to talk to you.

Bye.

All right, that was an easy nice guy.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

I'm forwarded to an automatic voice message system 8-0.

He kept me there.

What a stupid.

Oh, okay.

Wow, he volunteered quite a good bit of information there about Charles.

Well, now we know Becky's the wife, apparently, also.

Yeah.

And that they don't have male sexual organs on the menu.

They do not have male sexual organs, guys.

There we go.

Well, we learn something every show here with old Charlie when we call him.

You know, we don't call Charlie for like a month,

and the next thing you know, he's got some well-spoken young Asian boy toy over there.

Oh, well, now you know why the wife's not there.

Becky's at home, and you gave her a rest.

What was his name again?

Henry?

Henry? What's his name? I forgot already.

Andy? Anthony? What was his name?

Shit.

Ernie?

Billy.

Henry.

I don't know. I think it was Ernie.

Somebody rewind it, man. You get a gold star.

I forgot already his fucking name.

Mark.

Ernie.

Yeah.

Ken says Mark, okay?

All right.

Here is some information from Nunu.

Well, that was just the curse he had me do.

Never mind.

No information from Nunu.

Nothing new from Nunu.

No Nunu.

New, new, new, new.

Domino's Pizza in India.

They were doing a number from a long time ago from earlier.

Oh, you still want them in Skype chat, right, big guy?

Yeah, I think if somebody sent it to me, I didn't know if he did it or not because I got busy with our chats.

All right, so Major Chaos sent in a number for a guy named Dick Sack who's partially retarded.

Here you go, Chaos.

He's not in the chat room anymore.

Skip to the loo, my darling.

Leave a message after the tone.

Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Who is this?

Oh, this is Eddie.

How are you?

Is this Dick?

Richard?

You're my father, Richard?

Yeah.

What you doing there?

He said no.

Okay, bye.

What the fuck?

That sounds like a fucking hilarious family to talk to.

He said no.

Sounded like a Georgia retard.

Hello?

Hey, buddy.

How are you?

What's up, man?

Hey, what are you doing?

Why are you so upset?

Don't be mad.

I'm sleeping.

You're sleeping?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Hey, did you pull out your male sexual organs today and check them out?

No.

No, do you want to do that now?

No, I'm sleeping.

Do you have male sexual organs ready?

Sleeping.

No, penis.

No.

Stupid.

No, I'm sleeping.

No, wake up.

No.

No, fire.

There's fire.

There's a fire.

Okay.

Ooh.

Sure, bud.

Dude, good dog, man.

Good dog.

I don't think he's a man.

All right.

We got potential with him.

We can throw him in the mix every once in a while, man.

First bird.

Okay, well, sheep and deer burn.

I bet your nanny loved that one.

Did you get a response from Nanners?

I bet you so, Milkman.

I bet you so, buddy.

All right.

Well, a big what's up to everyone who is joining us in the chat room.

If you are not, be sure to head over to madhouselive.com and go to the chat link,

link madhouse live.com slash chat will also get you there you can listen to the show watch the

live video well let me turn the video on again you can listen to the show watch the live video

and chat with everyone there how many people in that chat now is there a way to tell real quick

how many can you don't have to count them is there something we can do to see how many people

in the channel i can do i can ask i can ask the server to give me a channel list right and it'll

48 people, thank you

48 people chatting with us right now

And we have 155 people

Listening on Shoutcast, that's good

That's on my network

As well as on Cacti Radio

And on

Blue Planet Prank Radio

Very good, we got 26 people

Watching the video, so we're doing pretty good

Nice

Someone lost a pair of keys

in Waikiki a la Moana or Kakakako.

This is Craigslist Honolulu posting.

Honolulu, Hawaii, home of Charlie.

Quote, the gentleman says,

I'm thinking, and I think it's a gentleman, I don't know.

I'm thinking I left my keys on top of my car

and they fell off as I was driving from Waikiki.

Shit.

Wow.

Okay.

How the hell did you get the car running

if the keys fell off, well, on top of it?

Yeah, that's actually, yeah, that's a good,

why would yeah that's why i've never had that problem before anyway well if you're stealing

the car you usually don't leave the keys on top you either try and pop the ignition yeah two lost

the keys two white fobs black lock key two gold keys a couple of silver keys and a mckay card what

is a mckay card let's look up mckay card mckay mckay okay i don't know it sounds like a hawaii

thing mike k uh i don't know might be a golf club according to this micah micah card save money and

earn rewards it looks like it's uh the name yeah it looks like it's the name of a grocery chain

there so one of those uh loyalty reward cards little cards you can put on your keychain that'd

be my guess okay uh yeah and after that we'll do that domino's pizza in india which i thought i

had called but i don't know what happened why anyway no name on this but a guy answered when

it was tested out by lonesome here we go lost key lost keys and the keys are lost and we're

gonna tell him that we found them but he's got to show us his male sexual organs to get him back

yes hi you lost a pair of keys because i think i found them really yeah they has these two white

White things, I guess, is like to open a door or something.

Yeah.

And then there's one of those loyalty cards for the store.

Yeah, where did you find them?

Well, I was in Waikiki.

I'm on vacation.

Oh, nice.

I was on Kaniki Puli.

What's it called?

Kanaki.

Oh, okay, okay.

Kanaki.

Kaniki Puli.

Hang on.

Kanaki.

What is it again?

Yeah, I know what that is.

Kaniki Puli.

All right, you want to meet me at this grocery store?

Because I need to go pick up some rolling papers.

I bought some marijuana.

Huh?

The food pantry?

Well, yeah.

Do you know if they sell those papers for smoking marijuana cigarettes?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm not sure about that.

Do you know where I can buy marijuana papers, cigarettes, papers for smoking marijuana?

Yeah, they should have them, actually.

They should.

Yeah, you think so?

All right.

You want to smoke marijuana?

marijuana, we can smoke some drugs, you know, and you can... No, I'm good. Is there a reward?

Yeah, so you want to meet at the food pantry? Yeah, when can you be there? I can be there in

10 minutes. I rented a van. We can sit in the van and we can talk and go in the back. Oh, man,

you didn't find my keys. Yeah, I did. I didn't have the keys, yeah, but I'm horny, you know,

and I just, I want to see your male sexual organs. Okay, man. You show up to me? Why don't you text

I don't have texting in Hawaii.

I don't have, you know, the international stuff.

International texting and stuff.

Because I'm on vacation.

Why don't you just come down and we'll sit in my van and we'll talk and I'll give you the keys.

You know?

And then I'll touch you, I'll pet you in the head, and I'll call you my little chicken.

You know?

Come on, man.

You really have my keys or not?

Yeah, I do.

I just, I don't know.

I'm just, I'm lonely, you know?

I stepped on the keys when I was walking.

I had some flip-flops on.

Okay.

Yeah, but come on.

We'll sit in my van and we can talk.

We can listen to...

Where do you want to meet, man?

Where do you want to meet?

In the parking lot.

I'm in my van.

And we'll listen to the basketball game on the radio.

So, how am I going to find your van?

It's a black van.

It's a black Honda Odyssey van.

I rented it.

Okay.

All right?

When you can be there.

there i'll be a couple blocks away i'll be right there are you walking yeah i am i'll i'll be on

my bike well how am i gonna know it's you well i'll give you a call when i'm there all right

okay call me back huh you got you in a black van yeah a black honda odyssey all right i think it's

okay honey all right wait for him to call back and then we'll have fun with him

milkman i think he's got if he's got a bike with one of those little bells on it

did he mean that kind of bike or uh i i don't know dude but i think it's a good question

i did call that indian place that's i was trying to say banshee remember to him

milkman and he wouldn't answer oh yeah yeah i said banshee shit motherfucker

i probably said male sexual organs also because that's the big thing tonight

Male sexual organs

Sexual organs

She'll play organ music

While we do those calls

Do I have organ music?

Hello, God bless you

Yes, hi

I wanted to make an order

Yes, sure

Yes

So what do you want to order today?

One bhenchod

One

Bhenchod

Oh, what's that?

You know

Is it pide?

Bhenchod is your sister

Or your mother

Your mother

It's your mother

You know

So what do you want to

What would you like to order today?

Your mother and your sister.

And you, you sound pretty.

You sound like a pretty girl.

Pretty girl.

Oh, that's stupid.

Male sexual organs, everybody.

Male sexual organs.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling about the organs.

Sorry?

I'm calling about organs.

I'm calling about male sexual organs.

That's what I've gotten down to.

Saying male sexual organs and playing YouTube video audio of an organ being played.

Nate. Excellent. Great show.

You gotta get a video up here

of the ATV thing.

Balls. He got balls.

And we got the biggest

balls of them all. Yeah, but that's not

organs. That's balls. And we're not going that far

with it, you know?

I'm not going that far.

Now, if I started calling about

the balls, Milkman,

then we could do that,

you know?

That's true. Yeah. Let's call

the guy back. See if he's still on his way.

I'm

going to be there like in about two minutes.

Yeah, I'll be there in about five, ten minutes.

In about five or ten?

Yeah.

Are you on a bicycle or a motorcycle?

I'm just going to walk there.

Oh, okay.

Because I can't get to my bike.

Do you want me to pick you up?

No, I don't need to get picked up.

Okay.

I'll just walk over there.

Well, give me a call when you're here.

I'm here and I'm going to be there in a few minutes.

I'm going to be waiting, all right?

Yeah.

All right.

I'll see you.

I'm going to be listening to some organ music.

You're going to be in a block.

Honda Odyssey.

Yep.

All right, bye.

All right, Neil Hartman,

after getting with you

from Grafton Piano and Organ Company

and Salad Company.

Organs.

When he gets there,

I'm going to ask him

about his sexual organs.

Ken, how you doing, Mr. Organs?

I always say to people,

I call it an organ,

the male organ.

Touch my organs.

I need more organs.

How does that relate to organ grinder?

Here's a pygmy goat for sale, $40, or a trade for young hens or horse stuff or female goats.

Pygmy goat?

Yeah.

It's a pygmy goat?

That's what I said.

Open your ears.

You got corn cobs in your ear, son?

No, in my mouth.

All right.

You know.

I'll take a call at these times.

I want goats, motherfucker.

Fucking Jimmy.

Yes, hi.

I was calling about these pygmy goats.

We're all in the bed, and I think the goat is sold.

We'll check back tomorrow about 7.30.

How big are the goat's sexual organs?

What question is that?

I'm interested in...

That's so funny.

You got nothing better to do than call somebody at midnight and ask them about the goat's sexual organs?

Seriously?

I love asking people about sexual organs.

Well, I love it, but you have a great night.

Hey, how big are yours?

I lost it.

I lost control.

I could...

Shit.

It finally happened dude

You gotta ask her if she's a pygmy too

Is this a pygmy family

Oh my god I couldn't stop laughing at that one

That's so fucking retarded

I ruined that prank call I could have been really good

Her response is awesome

What kind of questions is that

Sorry guys

How are you Ken we can hear you now

You weren't talking before

I was trying not to interrupt

Checking your microphone organs

That's your mouth organ.

Got a nine-incher.

Let me call back, see if the guy answers.

Pissed off.

She's probably in bed next to her husband.

You know what I'm better to do?

We're all in bed.

The same bed.

We're all in the bed.

I'll bear with that goat's sexual organ.

Jimmy, I'm not able to take a call at this time.

All right, he won't answer.

Damn it, man.

Fucking Jimmy.

Fuck Jimmy, man.

Well, let's continue here.

Oh, boy.

I can't think about goat sexual organs because it keeps making me want to laugh.

All right, Carrie is selling a boar goat buck.

Another goat.

Okay.

We got some pictures of it here.

Waylon was born in January last year.

100% pure boar.

Oh, this is not a goat.

Pure boar buck?

Okay.

Solid red.

I feed him high-quality hay and goat grower.

Nice.

I didn't know there was such a thing.

Did you say his name was Waylon?

Uh, Waylon.

That's the name of the goat.

Yep, Waylon.

Waylon Jennings.

All right, here we go.

Redneck is a git, Sam, man.

That's hardcore redneck.

You're Waylon Jennings, man.

Hey, you.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I was calling about the goat that you have for sale.

The goat, yes.

What's wrong?

What's wrong with this stupid kid?

Hello?

Excuse me?

What's wrong?

Hello?

Is everything okay?

Yes, did you just call my kid stupid?

No, no.

No, I thought I heard something, so...

Yeah, it was my daughter, but I could have told her I just heard you say,

what's wrong with this stupid kid, if you didn't say that, correct?

God, no, never say that. Lord Jesus, no.

Okay, yeah, because it was... I didn't know. Okay, yeah, I don't...

Okay, yes, I do. I still have to go.

Oh, I have an autistic daughter. I would never say anything like that. Okay.

Okay, well, good, because I swore I thought that's what I heard,

and I thought, no, no, no, there's just no way that someone would say that.

No way.

But, yes, are you calling about the boy goat that I have that's listed on Craigslist?

Yeah, the boy goat, yep.

Yeah, I still have him.

Yeah, and I can still hear that stupid idiot kid in the back.

Let me see.

So I saw the pics and everything, and it's a pretty healthy goat.

It's about a year and a half old.

Hello?

Damn it.

Oh, man.

I was hoping she'd bite right there.

Oh, yeah.

She hung up.

Hello?

Yeah, what happened?

I was calling about the goat.

Okay.

Okay, so it's about a year and a half old?

It is.

It was born in January of 2012, correct.

Okay, all right.

And you're asking for $200.

Very good.

And do you have a rule about siring the goat afterwards?

Because some people, they say you can't for a certain amount of time

or you have to give a portion of the money or the proceeds.

Do you have anything like that?

Or is it okay to just, once I've got it, I do whatever with it, right?

Yes.

Okay, yes.

Yeah, you don't know him.

Then I can still hear that goddamn stupid kid in the background, you know?

It's really getting to me.

And how big are the goat's sexual organs?

Hello?

You have a good night, sir.

How big are the sexual organs on the boy goat?

I have a good night, sir.

Does it have a nice big pair of testicles and a penis?

God damn it.

I thought he was really going to flip out.

I thought so, too.

He paused there, and I was like, oh, we're going to hit fucking gold right here.

I think he's not because the girl's, the daughter's there.

You have a good, he said that through, like, his teeth.

You have a good hard shirt.

The sexual organs on the girl.

Hello?

Yeah, I think we got disconnected.

I'm not sure what happened there, buddy.

Yeah, I hung up on you.

I don't like the question.

Okay.

It's an inappropriate question.

Oh, is your daughter autistic, or I don't know what was going on.

Did I offend her, your wife?

No.

Well, why is she?

Do not call my number again, or I'll call the police and report you.

What about your sexual organs?

How are they?

Are they healthy?

Do you have any lumps?

He seems like he's got a lot of potential, but he's just not an angry guy.

I thought you were going to pull a dirty air in there.

Can you tell those kids to shut the fuck up?

God damn.

Perhaps he was in for an organ massage.

His sexual organs.

I just love saying that now.

Now, Brandzak wants to say hi from Canada without the bullshit.

Yay, no bullshit.

Okay.

We got a guy, Ice Goose has passed on to us, who you can hear on Friday nights here on Madhouse Radio.

This guy is selling his sister's panties, and he fucks his sister.

Okay.

Oh, that crazy bastard.

What was this?

Did I miss this one?

He put out an ad.

This is good, man.

This guy is really weird, man.

Dude, you're going to get a kick out of him.

I think he's a real freak, man.

Sorry, well, Kent, what happened then?

What were you going to say?

I came in the middle of it, but apparently he was selling his sister's panties and stuff,

and they started asking what size rack that his sister had, and he's like, oh, 34C.

And they're like, how do you fucking know that?

How do you know that?

Because we have six.

Ew.

Wow.

Okay.

Here we go.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You're selling panties?

Yes.

Okay, and how much for panties?

$5 each.

And they're dirty?

No.

Can I get dirty panties for more?

Just clean panties?

Yeah.

Then how do I know they're really hers?

Can I get the dirty ones and then I know they've been used, you know?

I don't know.

Okay.

Are they older panties or how many times has she worn them?

Hello?

About four times.

Is she Asian, Japanese?

What is she?

Asian.

She's Asian?

Oh, that's nice.

Okay.

And do you want to maybe let me see you wearing them?

them, you can put your male sexual

organs in the panties, you know?

What? I would like to see you

wearing the, um, the

panties to cover up your male sexual

organs. Yeah. Okay.

Would you, would they,

do you have a big sexual organ or

a small, or how is it? I hang up.

Yeah, I knew. I didn't want to take off tonight.

I didn't want to, I ruined, I'm

stupid. Where's our guy, wasn't there some

guy meeting us in a parking lot?

Where is this guy?

I lost his keys. Yeah, he's not going to be there

yet. He was on his way.

He was riding a bicycle.

Well, he was just gonna walk.

You're driving a black fucking rapist van?

I rented it.

It's a Honda. That's not a rapist van.

That'd be like a GMC van.

I got it.

In a good authority, there are no windows in this van.

Nope. Well, they are, but

they're covered in tinfoil.

Should've told them I'm in a Winnebago.

All right, anyway.

I gotta find that number and see what he's up to.

too, because I've been waiting here for a while,

man.

You should tell him it's bullshit. He's been waiting around

for so long. Well, let me

do one more call before I call

him back. He did say he would call,

and he sounded like he was

indeed on his way, so

let's not rush him. Hello? Yes,

hi. I was calling about the goat.

Okay. I had called before, and I was

asking about the male sexual organs

on the goat. How big are

they? You mean the grown one or the little

one? You have a baby

be male? I've got one six weeks old. And how big are the sexual organs? How big is what? The sexual

organs? Well, I don't know. How big do you want them? Well, I mean, you've been giving it this

goat feeder, right? Goat grower? No, it's been under this mama. Oh, okay. Did I call here earlier?

Is this a different person? Well, yeah. Somebody called a long ago and hung up. Oh, I called an

accident maybe before. I'm sorry. All right. So the goat's a nice little pretty goat. He's a nice

This cute little boy goat?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

And then maybe can I see, inspect him and his sexual organs?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Do you have any idea how big them...

Can you go see the goat now and take a look at his sexual parts?

I don't think so.

His private parts?

I don't think so.

All right.

Can I be alone with the goat for maybe about 30 minutes?

No.

I wanted to kiss it and touch it.

I guess that's the wrong goat place.

Hey, learn to hang up the phone, you stupid.

I don't think he did it yet.

Stupid.

This guy's got to pick back up.

Come on, man.

Hello, please leave a message after the tone.

Hello?

Hello, I know you're there.

Hello?

Answer phone.

Fuck.

Hello?

Hey.

How you doing?

How old are you?

Yeah?

Yeah, sexual organs.

Bleep.

Sexual organs.

Bleep.

Uh-huh.

Bleep.

All right, keep doing that.

Bleep.

Don't stop doing that.

I like it.

Bleep.

It's very nice.

Bleep.

Oh, he hung up.

That was funny.

Hello?

Yes, hey, is that Brian?

Yes.

Oh, okay, I was calling about your sexual organs.

Pardon?

I'm calling about your sexual organs.

Do you know what time it is right now?

No idea.

Oh, it's quarter past five, and I'm going back to bed.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Can you check your sexual organs, though?

He was polite about it, though, right?

Organ check.

Hello?

Yeah, can you check those sexual organs of yours, see if you have any lumps?

You know, want me to tell you how?

Yeah, I know.

Just reach down there, down in your pants and underwears, you know, pull them down.

I'll tell you what to do.

Well, check your organs when you go into bed.

Yeah, okay, right.

Don't give it much.

Fill them, your testicles for lumps and stuff, you know?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And just make sure, and if you do, then I'll call back,

and you let me know if you have anything, all right?

Okay, good.

Don't bother to call back.

No, I'm going to try to get in touch with my own doctor.

I'm going to call you back in about an hour and find out.

All right, I'll be out on time.

All right.

He said he will, and he'll call his doctor.

Very good.

There you go.

Who knows?

I sent you a couple of request pranks with some lost iPhones on there for you, too.

Okay, cool.

Cool, thanks.

What if we save that guy's desk?

What was that weird noise?

Was that oop?

Oop?

What was that, dude?

That was the lady that I cracked up at originally.

I called that place back, and some kid was going, meep.

Maybe the goat answered.

That was the goat.

The goat answered and was telling us about his organs.

I don't know what that means in goat, what we were hearing, but that'll let you know how big they are.

since that's what we're asking about.

Okay, guys?

I'm pretty proud, actually.

Okay.

How about more UK and another Brian?

Brian Hopkins now.

Let's give him a call

and remind him to check his sexual organs

for lumps and growths.

And then after that,

we'll do the request of pranks here,

including Ken's numbers for lost iPhone machine.

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

I need to speak with Brian, please.

Okay.

again? Brian, this is Brian.

Who's speaking? Oh, this is

Dr. Cross. Dr. Cross?

Yes. Where are you ringing from?

I'm calling from the association.

He needs to check his sexual organs

for lumps and growths. Hello?

Hello? Yeah, would you, can you

assist with that? What are you talking

about? The sexual organs.

Hello? Meow.

Hey. Meow. Yeah, hi. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Huh?

Meow. Meow. Meow. Yeah?

Yeah?

Meow.

Huh?

Meow.

Yeah?

Meow.

Yeah?

Meow.

Huh?

Meow.

Don't call here and bother me.

Don't call here bothering me.

You don't call here bothering me and harassing me.

Meow.

No.

Meow.

That's that guy.

Hello?

Meow.

They both left.

Anyway, someone called back in and was making funny noises again.

It's funny.

He's going, meow.

Meow.

It was meow.

Now it's meow.

Dobby likes that.

That Dobby's hanging out with me here, my cat, my male cat.

I like that one.

Is that the one that was going boop, boop a little while ago?

That's my guess.

I don't know.

Hello, Baz.

Hey, what's up?

Baz Luhrmann.

How you doing?

Meow.

All right.

Let me do these iPhones.

Big Alex lost a white iPhone.

Oh, what?

I was going to tell you, those request prints they sent you for the one bedrooms this week,

it's the ladies looking for some male roommates oh hey nice older ladies yeah one or two of them

actually included pictures in their fucking post too was it nice one of them looked nice

yeah oh yeah man yeah hello yeah hey how you doing hi yeah i was looking for alex i found his phone

i found a cell phone here and it looks like it belongs to alex um hold on okay honey

yeah hey can i see the uh information about the iphone i'm sorry can i see the information about

the iphone please can i get the codes all the different codes and stuff what you mean the codes

all the different codes for the iphone you know oh i got mine was a white one with a clear case

yeah right yeah but i just i need i need the unlock codes you know the unlock code for the

the iphone hello oh yeah i hear you we'll have to do that on person man because i don't know

you know that's some personal information in the phone yeah but no if you can let me unlock it and

then i just want to play with the phone for a little bit you know i want to see what you have

in here uh no oh come on i can't do that that's personal information is your birthday what happened

is your what's your birthday uh i can't tell you man sure you can what birthday what is birthday

I can't tell you, man.

They'll know and they'll let me know.

And then we could meet there.

Like I told you, we could meet somewhere and then I could unlock it right in front of you.

Nah, man.

I can't do it.

Yes.

Are there any sexual organs in the pictures?

No, but there's, you know, personal family pictures.

What's the big...

If it's not your sexual organs, then I can look, right?

It's nothing bad.

Right.

It's not your dirty parts, your sexual organs and stuff, right?

Oh, he's gone.

He's been gone.

Absolutely.

Hey, those are all natural parts.

Sexual organs.

Hello?

Yeah.

Do you just want to meet somewhere, then?

I'll go to the public place, and they'll have me at daytime, then.

Right after late.

It's got to be now, or I'm just going to, you know...

So I'm going to get my friend, Lopez.

He knows how to unlock them.

He uses a cable on the computer, and it unlocks the iPhone.

He does a jailbreak on it.

So what's the reward for iPhone?

What's the reward for the iPhone?

Yeah.

It's $80.

All right.

And how about I bring it to you now?

I come over now?

Yes.

All right.

Where do you live?

What is the address?

Tell me.

The address is, I think it's 543.

You don't know for sure?

No, I'm not, sir.

All right, what is it?

It's 543-73-St. Bernard Street.

It's an apartment or a house or what is it?

It's a house.

And you by yourself?

Yes.

Oh, that's good.

You know, no one's around to bother me.

You know, I can come over and there won't be anybody there to bother us, you know?

You know, we can be together finally.

I don't know if he really gave me his address.

That's pretty funny.

This is the perfect night.

night perfect night guys perfect night the perfect i'm just i'm just tuned in see you've had a

perfect night so far uh it's all right it's been good you know we did some thailand you know and

oh nice did you insult the king yeah no one bought the king but we talked we we talked about sexual

organs and we got started and i think every call so far tonight we brought up sexual organs

you know what you forgot to fire off in thailand wasn't peck peck one of their swear words

That's Philippines, right?

Peck, peck, yeah, Tagalog.

Tagalog.

But there's a lot of Filipinos in Guam and Saipan,

so you've got a pretty good chance of having somebody there.

I could only call the Philippines, though.

But you can call the Philippines.

I sold some shit on fucking eBay the other day

and said I would ship it to the United States

and some asshole from Saipan fucking bought it.

Goddamn money.

Wow.

Well, can't you just reverse it and say,

no, we'll not send the site?

I mean, I guess you got to put in...

By that time, I'd already spent money, you know, paying for shit.

And I was like, fuck a side pan.

And I think it only ended up costing me like $5.05 to send it over there.

Yeah, dude, one of the coolest things ever, like, I ordered like an HDMI cable.

Or was it an HDMI splitter?

Like a little splitter box for my living room.

For some reason, the TV I got, it has one HDMI input.

I don't know why.

The other one, it has two.

one of them doesn't work only only one works i don't know the other one just faulty or fried

or something used to work and it doesn't it stopped working when it when we moved up here

i think it got damaged in the move but anyway i said all that to say this i bought one on ebay

and i got um i was here and the mailman knocked on the door said i had a sign for it and it was

from hong kong and it had all these fucking stamps on it and fucking it took like three weeks like

two and a half three weeks to get here and oh yeah it came from hong kong like when i i'll go

go through and order something from ebay you know i'd call it u.s only and shit like that to make

sure it's not going to take a long time but yeah if if you're not in a big hurry man you get some

good deals out of hong kong man about half the price of the shit in the u.s yeah but you know

why it takes so long right well it's got to go through china first i bet yeah well they put them

on them fucking containers dude that's why they take forever to get here because it's on one of

them big boats wow yeah but i mean it looked really cool like i was like oh cool and i look

it had all these

cool stamps

but it looked like

it was real expensive

to send

it looked like

it took them a long time

but I don't know

I guess it's still

worth it for them

even if you want

they got these

big ass boats

they got these

big ass boats

that roll in here

man from China

dude

and they got like

all kinds of shit

on them man

some of the stuff

they put on there

like containers

of delivery

so that's so

fucking cheap

for them to ship

it over here

but it just

takes forever

alright

cool man

you put it in

those pods

you know

Hey, big Zyklon's here.

Hey, Zyklon.

Hey, hey.

I got to say, why have we not had any NFL discussion?

I mean, the draft was Thursday.

I didn't, I mean, the draft was, I mean, all I cared,

I was just interested in how Manti Teo would.

Yeah, not surprised by him going early second round.

Yeah, he went early second.

Where'd he end up at?

San Diego.

Yeah, Chargers.

Oh, that's right.

I was paying attention to where the quarterback from Michigan went.

and he ended up going to...

It looks like Mark Sanchez is without a job, huh?

Yeah, hold on. Let me call you right back.

Okay, bye.

This is the guy that was going to meet me in the parking lot.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, buddy. Where are you?

I was waiting in and...

No, you don't have my keys.

So you never came?

Do you have my keys?

Yeah, I said yeah.

Are you holding my keys?

Yeah, you don't...

Tell me the number.

One of those small silver keys has a number on it.

What's the number on that key?

That's kind of private information, you know?

I'll tell you, it's 12

No man, you don't have my keys

Well I just wanted you to come and show me

Your sexual organs, that was what it was

The whole time, you know

In the van, you know

He never left

What a little fucking liar guy, man

Oh yeah, I'm on the way, I'm walking

I'm walking, stupid

Hello? Your shit still rains, Zyklon

I know

You can hear it from here

Come on man, just get in the van

and I'll show you my sexual organs.

How about that?

Can you stop calling me?

Would you be,

do you know anyone who'd be interested at all?

I've got a lot of money.

I'm a good looking guy, you know?

Come on.

Can you stop calling me?

No, I can't.

I just, ever since I saw your ad,

it's like I know you, you know?

Okay, well, I have your phone number,

so I'm just going to call the police right now

and tell them that you keep calling me, okay?

Yeah, well, I'll tell them you keep,

I have you here, you know,

putting an ad, and Craig says for sex,

for sexual organs.

That's fine.

Yeah.

I'm going to tell them that you put an ad in Craigslist for sexual things.

Stop calling me, okay?

No.

I'm going to call again when you hang up.

All right.

Let me talk to him.

Get in the van.

Tell him you got some candy.

Candy van.

Stop calling me.

Candy, you want to get in the van?

He wants you to get in his van.

Yeah.

Bullshit.

All right.

Domino's Pizza in India.

Here we go.

In India?

Yeah.

I wonder if you can order a beef pizza.

Oh, boy.

Beef salami

Yes, hi, I'd like to make an order

Can I have your contact number so I can call you back

In 45 minutes

You're stupid, what happened?

No, we'll open by 11 o'clock

You're available at 9 o'clock?

No, we'll open by 11 o'clock

At 11 o'clock?

Yeah

Okay, and then you show me your sexual organs

Yeah, okay, good

And Banchu too, right?

Yeah, can I have your contact number so that I can call you back?

Yeah, my number is Bhenchod.

Yeah, my number is from which area?

Bhenchod.

Alchud.

Bhenchod.

Gul-ul.

Gandu.

Hello.

Yeah, hey, Gandu.

Yes, sir?

Yeah, are you Gandu?

Gandu!

Stupid!

Oh, fuck that.

He said, can I have your contact number and I'll call you back in 45 minutes?

Yeah.

Then he said 9 o'clock.

They said, oh, no, no, 11 o'clock.

Did you listen to the Brent Westwood show last night?

No, I did not, unfortunately.

We had a, I had a, I called in and I had a guy at an Indian restaurant in Australia

Australia threatened to turn me into Chicken Tandoori.

Chicken Tandoori?

He's going to turn you into Chicken Tandoori?

No, he said that he told me to come to his restaurant,

then he was going to chop me up and cook me into this daily special.

He was so pissed off.

Wow.

That was in Australia, wasn't it?

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Trying to call Bangalore.

Phone number's busy.

Oh, man.

An Indian affair.

This one is in Australia.

All right.

Actually, I know we already called them once.

Did we do Baba's Kebab and Cafe?

I'm not sure.

All right, give me a second.

Why is there no music playing?

Here we go.

Baba's Kebabs and Cafe.

Is that in Australia?

Yes.

Can I make an order?

Sure.

Here you go.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Yes, sure.

Yes, I'd like one order of chicken tikka masala.

Chicken masala?

Tikka masala, yes.

Sorry, we don't serve chicken masala.

We don't serve chicken curries or any other curries.

We just serve kebabs, pizza, pide, and open kebabs.

Are you Indian?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Can I get one lamb kebab?

One lamb kebab.

Lamb kebab?

Yes.

And do you do naan bread?

No, sorry.

No?

Okay.

We don't do it.

Just lamb.

We just do the kebabs and the pizza, pide, and the cheese.

Yeah.

Can I get, you said you have pizza.

Pizza, yeah.

Yeah, can I get one pizza with extra bhenchod?

One pizza?

Pizza?

Yeah, with extra bhenchod.

What are you talking about?

Who are you?

An extra gandu, please, too.

Who are you?

See, you've got to pronounce it bhenchod.

They know immediately what it is, and they get really pissed off.

Bhenchod?

Bhenchod.

because you called a guy one time and uh it was some younger guy at an indian place and he said

that he goes what you want to order banjo okay so i've been trying it with that pronunciation

and it works almost every time okay i dig i can dig that all right well i gotta call back and try

to sneak in sexual organs because that would be the first call tonight we didn't do yeah she didn't

give me a chance yeah hello yeah so let's make an order please this is eddie eddie yeah okay all

right uh one sexual organ what the f**k

Banchord

It is pronounced

Banchord

Right?

Yeah?

Banchord

Chord

Banchord

The emphasis on the chord

I'll keep them on the line

I'll call the next one

did you catch that subtle what the fuck

when she put the phone down

yeah I did

hey it's working

Zyklon you're working

how are you

it's pronounced Bhenchod

Bhenchod

so yeah when you were doing those

calls at first asking for a vagina

I thought it might be something like

Bhenchod you know different dialects and shit

yeah yeah

Yeah, but no.

They hung up over there finally.

By the way, did you hear about the U-Haul calls we did on the 420 show?

No.

What did you do?

I think it was John.

He called up a bunch of U-Hauls, got the customer info,

and then we called up saying they've been speeding

and we were going to have to charge their credit card.

Okay.

This one lady got really pissed because I said that we were going to have a stupid black fade.

She started going off like the blood of Jesus lady.

lady on crack she was a jesus lady on crack and she was pissed off that you said what now i'm

sorry i said there would be a 25 stupid black fee oh wow yeah that's that's very crass okay good

good who are we calling oh these people again bench hard i do hello yes hello hello yeah so

Select to make an order for Ben Chaud.

Damn it.

All right.

Can we call Charlie?

I already talked to him.

He probably won't answer, man.

I talked to him and his new boy toy named Mark at the restaurant.

They hired a new kid.

That's his house boy over there.

He's answering the phone instead of the broad now.

He's a nice guy, but he gave us some information.

We know the lady's name is Becky.

We know that.

Yeah.

I swear if I go to Honolulu, I'm going to go to the Dewdrop bed

and then try to get Charlie to yell at you guys.

Oh, dude, I am, but I'm just going to point at stuff on the menu, I guess.

I don't know what I'll do.

You should tell them some shit Cross sent me.

I'd probably call you guys, like,

Hey, Charlie, I'll give you a tip if you swear at these guys.

He'll probably go postal if he recognizes your voice.

Holy shit, can you imagine him?

If I went to the Turkish kitchen like Milkman was,

was parked in front of his place a few days

ago. You should have actually gone in, Milkman,

and made an order, you know?

Or better yet, gave us a picture of the manager

and of Faizad. Yeah, Milkman

got some spy photos that night.

Milkman goes in, makes an order.

Okay, I'll be back in ten minutes to pick it up.

He comes back in. I'm going to have to cancel that order.

He comes in.

Oh, yeah. Why?

I don't like Turkish food. I don't like Turkish people.

I should get

Greek food instead.

instead actually that would probably be a good call to that say oh never mind it turns out i'd

rather have great food all right well here's a retired gentleman who needs extra income check

his prices compared to taxi to and from work grocery shopping doctor appointments call jack

at charleston and surrounding area charleston is this the carolina south carolina yep telling me

work at Northwoods

Barrel Barrel. Okay, you got it, Lonesome.

Alright, I can... Yeah, okay. Anyway,

here we go. This is big, uh...

Did I say Jack is his name? Jack.

You guys should, uh, see how much

it is to go pick up a prostitute or maybe

go get some drugs from Lysol.

He needs to get on that program, those

independent dudes that Milkman was bitching

about here that one day. The Gypsies?

I don't know. There's some

independent guys that use

an iPhone app to

do rides. And Milkman was like,

We're taking our jobs.

I thought Velkan wasn't a cab driver anymore.

Oh, he is, man.

He's doing limo driving also now.

Hello.

Yeah, is this Big Jack?

You got Jack.

Hey, I was looking at this information that you do taxi machine rides.

Not this time of night, that's...

Yeah, but tomorrow, you know?

Where do you live?

I live, well, you know...

I'm in West Ashley.

Yeah, you know Northwoods Boulevard Express?

North Charleston?

Yeah, Northwoods Boulevard Express, you know?

No, I can probably find it.

Where do you want to go to?

It's Ashley Phosphate Road.

What time?

Well, what's the earliest you do?

I work night shifts, so maybe you pick me up at 8 o'clock.

What kind of car do you have?

I can't remember.

Why don't you give me a call back at noon tomorrow?

Well, I need it earlier than that.

I need it in the morning.

Shit, Dan.

I can't help you there.

Shit, I want to go.

I'm going to have pancakes.

I'll bring you in, we'll have pancakes together, and you can show me.

I can help you that time of morning.

I'm telling you, you've got to talk to the point.

And what about your sexual organs?

Is that where you're going for the doctor for?

No.

What kind of appointment is it?

Not to you.

Son of a bitch.

Asshole.

Sexual organs.

He's an asshole like the king of Thailand.

Sexual organs, man.

You should ask him if it's okay if you take your sexual organs out.

I can't get off that topic tonight.

I should get the number out.

Y'all can fuck with him.

He sounds funny.

But you guys got to record.

If you guys are going to call, if I get that number out, you guys can call him, but you

have to record the good ones, man.

Record them and share them if you're going to prank people.

That's what I got to say.

When we do a prank call, they're not recording them.

That's stupid.

All those figurative calls, not recording them.

Have you talked to Jeem Stewart yet?

Jeem Stewart.

Not tonight.

i did wednesday ah is he busy doing archery yeah he's busy with the archery training and all this

stuff he's got a new house he's building also so he's busy that's 15 year old girlfriend 16

oh 16 sorry did he get some concentration camp labor to do it seeing as he's german

yeah like they're building the v2 rocket for him all right oh those germans taking advantage of

them Jews. Alright, here's some

numbers, I guess. I said I

wasn't going to do calls like this anymore, but

they're funny. Can I do a

call? I seem to have a good track

record with them. Alright, knock

yourself out, Lorraine.

I'll post it in Skype chat.

I don't think we're getting an answer. I'll do the

next one. You're looking at the Skype chat

or you're on the phone? You can't see. Yeah,

I see it. Second one, big Juan.

You're going to do Juan? No, you do

Juan. You wanted to do Juan, do Juan.

You said you got good luck. Okay, I'll do Juan. You're wicked

get smart at these shit damn it all right i'll do craig instead fuck come on give us one number to

answer you have you have anyway how's the gun business going business is busy a lot of people

coming in it started to taper off good you don't do walker uh no you're you're still on point

hello is this mr walker who's calling hi my name is larry i'm calling from yes okay it seems we

we have a problem. All our

vehicles have GPS sensors on

them, and the GPS sensor

on the registered to you

was speeding.

It was going 80 miles an hour

in a 65 zone, and

if you read your contract, if you speed by

more than 10 miles an hour, you will get charged

a $50 charge.

Where was it speeding? I do not know. It just

tells me that it was speeding.

At what time? I don't know the

time. It just says you were speeding.

Well, I don't get it. How do you...

If you have GPS tracking, it should be able to tell.

First off, I wasn't.

Let me just make that perfectly clear.

That's the first thing, okay?

Number two, if you have that ability to track, you should at least be able to tell me when I was speeding or where I was speeding.

It doesn't.

All I get is the, you were speeding this much.

This charges to be applied.

When?

It doesn't say.

The printout just says, speed, person, charge.

Sir, you have to have.

How do you suspend?

Finch, how do you back that up without any verifiable proof?

What kind of a system are you using that says that the truck was speeding at over 80 miles an hour?

We use a GPS.

Now, if you want to dispute this charge, you will have to call within the next two hours.

You have to call with an alibi as to where you were for the last 24 hours and what you were doing,

and they have all the additional information.

What's your name?

My name is Larry.

Larry, do you have a, you're with, yes.

Hey, do you have like an employee number or a direct, can I speak to a supervisor?

Sure, you can speak to Cross.

Okay, fine.

Yes, hi, this is Cross.

I'm the shift supervisor.

I understand you're having an issue because you were speeding.

We have you on the computer machine.

GPS clocked your speed here on the governor, on the vehicle.

If you have that kind of capability, first off, I wasn't speeding.

Well, the computer says, this is a perfect computer, and a perfect computer doesn't lie, and you're lying, sir.

Well, let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Two things.

First off, if you're in Las Vegas, why would you call me Eastern Standard Time at 1 o'clock in the morning?

Well, we need to reconcile this because we actually got a report that you actually cut someone off,

and that's what brought about us looking into the GPS to see how fast they were going.

Oh, wait, I cut someone off.

You got a police report?

Is that what you got?

We got a complaint from a person from the road who called the number when they saw it was ****** and they reported you.

And what did they say?

They said that you were speeding, that they said you were going 95 miles an hour, but we checked that it was only 80 miles an hour.

And where did they say this happened at?

I don't have the full report.

I'm not from the local area.

Who has the full report?

I'm not from the local area here, but I'm the supervisor.

Okay, no more than who?

Who, if you say a report, so who has the full report?

Well, you have two hours to come down to the center and they have the full report there.

But don't you come.

But our center is closed.

Yeah, you have two hours.

No, they're waiting now because the person is there.

She's very upset.

She's crying.

She said that.

Okay, I'll be right over.

Listen, listen to me, you little asshole.

What about the sexual organs that you had out while you were driving the vehicle also?

What about it?

Well, exactly.

Were you interested?

You were showing your sexual organs outside the window of the U-Haul truck.

How could I be speeding and showing my sexual organs outside the window in a U-Haul truck

and the window's much higher than the seat?

How do you figure that is?

It was at a different time.

You stopped at a red light and you had pulled your pants and underwears down.

When I was speeding on the expressway?

Is that when you're saying this happened?

You were at a red light later on and you pulled your pants and underwears down.

Later on when?

When?

When you first saw the woman.

You were at a red light, and you pulled your pants.

You pulled your pants.

You have GPS.

You should be able to tell.

What did the GPS tell you?

I don't have the full report.

It just said you pulled your pants and underwears down, and you stood up.

You kneeled up on the seat cushion.

Well, then how come she didn't call the police?

Because she went after you to get the license plate, and then you cut her off.

Oh, and I cut her off.

So, again, how come she didn't go to the police?

Well, she did a civil report because she's an illegal alien.

She's an actual immigrant, and she doesn't want to go through the police.

Oh, well, if you're blocking me, you guys are schmucks.

I know who this is.

It ain't working.

You guys are idiots.

You guys are showing your male sexual organs.

I'm going to the gym.

All right, well, I'm glad you're enjoying this.

Who are we?

I'm getting a kick out of it.

Who are we?

You said you know who we are.

Well, let me ask you one other question.

What facility did I rent this from?

You got that, Zyklon?

You got that, sir?

I don't know.

I don't know either, no.

Well, you guys work for, but you don't know where I rented the truck from?

Well, we're the nice shift on Sunday, to be honest.

Usually all we do is print invoices.

Well, if you have a GPS on my truck, you would have all the extra data on the truck, including how I paid for the truck.

Yeah.

Would you tell me that to verify that this call is legitimate?

Well, you paid with a card first to put the deposit down, then you resolved it with cash after.

You can do it that way.

I always pay cash.

You guys are bozos.

I know who did this.

Hey, would you do me a favor?

What?

Do me a small favor?

What's up?

Are you in your office now?

Yes.

Is your computer running?

Yes.

Then you better let me catch it.

Oh, man.

Too bad I caught you first.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Cross.

Yes, Mr. Bass.

This is David Snozzwell.

I'm with the engineering department, and we're just getting some confirmation as to some

of the areas that the speeding is over there.

we see that speeds of excess of 90 miles an hour were clocked in the Allegheny National Forest,

continuing on to Hart's Content Recreation Site, and then Chapman State Park.

Sir, are you still on the line with us?

Yeah, I am.

Are you familiar with these areas?

Oh, they're not even near where I'm at.

Well, if you're driving that fast, you probably could have gotten there, right?

Allegheny National Forest, continuing on to the Hart's Content Recreation Site,

And then finally, the GPS is showing you going off-road at Chapman State Park.

That's in Pennsylvania. I'm in New York State.

Well, if you're driving that fast, you can easily get to Pennsylvania.

You think I drove from Pennsylvania, which is six hours away from where I'm at?

Well, you had the vehicle for the whole day, didn't you?

Oh.

No? That's what our records are showing.

We got the wrong record, bozo.

And then it shows, actually, this fun ride started at Letchworth State Park

and then went to Stony Brook State Park,

and then we see some off-road activity occurring at Canacadia State Forest.

Is that correct?

Listen to what you're saying.

How far away is Letchworth State Park?

I have no idea.

I'm just showing what our computer records are showing from the GPS tracking.

So what do you have to say?

He's gone.

Damn.

That was pretty funny.

He went from getting really mad

to just being alright with it.

I don't think he ever really fully believed it was fake.

Well, I looked up

his area code

and I was trying to find

state parks in the general vicinity,

but I guess I was six hours off.

Yeah, that's still...

That was pretty funny.

I think he thought we were...

Not related.

Who does off-roading in the...

The actually kind of fun...

Kind of fun.

I don't know.

Do you guys have those popsicle trucks in your area?

Popsicle trucks.

You know, or ice cream trucks?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

I had a buddy that drove one here out of Seattle, and he got fired after he took it off-road.

Oh, shit.

He got bored one day, so he went off-roading.

Oh, shit.

Did he have ice cream in it while he was doing it?

Yeah.

he ate all the ice cream

I think he got fired for eating all the ice cream

versus going off road

this job lasted for one day

that would be awesome

eating all the ice cream

eating ice cream sandwiches while you're off roading

in an ice cream truck

and have the music playing the whole time

that would be like

go on reddit

weird ways to get fired from your job

rob that's awesome that's got to be in a movie at some point jackass kids should do that i don't

know yeah i would i don't think they're doing any more jackass sad face you don't think they

always say that they're not going to do another one and they end up doing it because they're done

because i don't know i don't think though just because he's gone that would be no yeah well

here's probably he did have the good yeah he did have some of the better pranks he he did the

the car toy in his ass.

Oh, God.

I think it's more because of how he died.

Yeah, because he was speeding in a car?

I mean, he was...

Because he was drunk.

He was drunk.

And speeding.

Wow.

Like that guy we just talked to.

Showing his private parts.

What got the whole thing on sexual organs?

Was it the first call?

The girl in Thailand where I asked her

if she knew what a vagina was

and she didn't even skip a beat.

She said, yeah, it's the male sexual...

the female sexual organs and i'm like okay i guess you do

like out of nowhere you should sit called say the king of thailand is a lady boy the king of thailand

has sexual organs that's a big fucking diss how dare you say that how dare you say he has sexual

organs all right here's a brian hopkins he's in england let me copy paste some england numbers

here for you guys to see in case you want to do any is brent westwood is brent around he's probably

probably taking a break from pranks, did a show.

He told me last night that he's helping

his mom move tonight, so he probably

wasn't going to be able to join in. What a nice boy.

Well, his mom lives right up

near Cobra. What a nice young man.

Yeah, he was actually broadcasting

from Cobra's house last night.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Is this Mr. Brian? No.

No? Who am I speaking with, please?

This is urgent. My name is David

Snozzwell. I'm from the Royal Service.

You're from the what? The Royal Service.

Am I calling

I think that was the speeding guy

I think I called the speeding guy an accident

I was about to say

wait a minute, that sounds like a U-Haul number

getting calls from the Royal Service

here's Brian Hopkins

call UK, say you're from

hello

I know you're there, I can hear you

I'll call the next one then

hello, Mr. James

yes, hi, my name is David Snozwell

I'm calling from the Royal Service

the Division of Testicular Cancer Machines.

How are you doing this evening?

Good evening.

Yes, my name is Mr. David Snoswell,

and I'm calling with an important service message for you.

You sound like you're a little bit elderly, am I correct?

Yes.

Yes, then I think it's imperative that you immediately check your sexual organs

for any lumps, bumps, or any other abnormalities.

You can do this yourself, or you may have your partner do it for you.

Oh, what are you bringing this time in the moment?

Yes. What time is it?

What time is it, eh?

Yeah, man, I saw that.

I'm a little dismayed at the fact that there wasn't a Superman trailer

before tonight's movie that I saw.

But there was the newest Star Trek trailer.

I thought I had seen all the Star Trek trailers,

but this one was different, the one that was attached to Oblivion today.

That looks like it's going to be a good movie, man.

Yeah, I can't wait for that.

Yeah, I'm real excited about the Star Trek machine.

And Star Wars.

Wars. Yeah, and then eventually

Mr. Abrams. Exactly. Very

good. Yes, Zyklon. You know that.

Yeah. And remember, though, too,

you have to, what do you get? Truck to

88 miles an hour. You have to turn on the

flux capacitor.

Can I do Jenkins

next UK call? Sure, man.

Welcome to voicemail. The person

you have called is unavailable.

Unavailable. All right, here's Brian.

Do we lose Ken? We lost Ken and Milkman, huh?

This call just dropped suddenly.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, this is Larry from

We seem to have a problem with your truck

Unfortunately

The GPS attached to it

Showed that you were speeding on the M1

So we're going to charge 50 pounds

To your credit card

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding

I've never been on the M1

Our GPS is flawless

It showed you were going 80 miles per hour

I'm going to take this number and I'm going to take it further

We're going to charge your credit card

and if you don't pay within two hours, we'll add 25 pounds onto it for being old.

You can do what you like. I'll get the police on this. I'll stay away.

The police will make you pay because our GPS is infallible.

They will not make me pay because I've never been on the M1.

You were on the M1. You will pay, sir.

Or we will get the police on you and the bailiffs.

He will not pay, sir. Let's try to call him back.

You've got to work the sexual organs in.

Oh, no. Sexual organs. You forgot it.

Okay. Someone else call the sexual organs.

if he answers

hello

sexual organs

man

sexual organs

he heard it

that time

okay

well

next number

here

which one was

that one

Thomas right

yeah here's

the next one

next one

should be

twos

twosy

saying he was

showing his

sexual organs

in a

yes hello

I'm calling

about sexual

organs

no

I won't

wake him up to say that i hate this song oh yay can i can i come over and show you my sexual organs

guess not sorry man he's not into it let me call milk before i forget i just had an idea let's call

zappos and ask if they have any products for sexual organs there we go a cough warmer sexual

Organs guys

Let me get milk

Sexual organs show

Should be

Hey there's Big Ken

Big Ken

Are you checking

Your sexual organs Ken

They're all intact

Good

Hey we lost you

What happened

I don't know what

Happened buddy

Okay was it

Your sexual organs

Yeah it was

Very organic

A little deeper

Nice

Hello

Yes hello sexual organs

I'm calling for Brian

What

Yes hello sexual organs

I'm calling for Brian

Brian. I'm sorry.

Who is speaking?

We're calling for Brian.

We need the definition of the sexual organs, please.

Who is speaking?

My name is Eddie. I'm calling for someone to describe

Brian's sexual organs to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you know what a sexual organ is?

The male sexual organs?

Oh, man.

I've got a question for her.

I keep cracking myself up

when I talk about that shit.

God damn.

We made this call last night.

It's all been called Nunu.

Nunu has small sexual organs.

Is this the same woman?

Nunu is a sexual organ.

I've got a question for her.

Losing control of Skype.

Don't die on Skype.

Fuck yeah.

Sexual organs.

Definitely in the title of the show,

sexual organs will have to be a part of it, I guess.

Well, last night on the...

It's a sexual organ.

Last night on The Brent Show, we called an IHOP,

and I asked them if they could make a dirty platter of food in the shape of a sexual organ,

and I lost it.

I cracked up too hard.

Last night on The Brent Show, Dirty Aaron took a big shit.

Hey, man, what's up, Dirty Aaron?

Yeah.

Hey, guy.

My audio probably sounds like shit.

Sounds like you're in the toilet.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yep, sexual organs.

Are you touching your sexual organs in the toilet?

No, not yet.

I'm going to poop and then masturbate there.

Nice.

Make sure you do it, Upper Decker.

For sure.

Or put that shit in the microwave.

You should ask if they have any hooker turds at these homes.

I'm telling you, you guys should at least once in your life

try microwaving a turd for like 10 minutes

That's because it smells really bad.

That's the plastic right there.

At some point, do that.

All right, James.

Hooker Turd is your Bit Dirty, Aaron.

We didn't want to steal it.

All right, here's James in the UK.

James in the UK.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I wasn't paying attention.

Is James there?

Is what?

James.

Is Big James there?

He doesn't die.

No, James.

I've got a question for you.

Can I ask you a question?

Hello.

Yes, I'm busy right now.

Now I'm stroking my sexual organs, and I was wondering what is better, baby oil or lotion?

What is your recommendation?

Hello?

Oh, that person's gone.

Oh, well.

Sorry.

No, that's cool.

Poor sexual organs got kicked.

Well, good.

Thanks for receiving that and remembering to include sexual organs, because I forgot about it.

The picture I just posted in Skype chat.

Skype chat picture.

Let's see here.

Organ news.

Wow.

Wow. Archaeologists discovered a giant human mummified penis.

Interesting.

Doesn't look like one, but looks funny, though.

Like that. Very nice. Very funny.

I can ask cheeseburger.com.

All right. Here's a different James.

Can I talk to them?

Yeah, you can. James Davies here.

And then we've got to do some more U-Hauls and some more Request a Pranks, okay?

Okay.

One moment, please.

That's not right.

Copy that way incorrectly.

Correct. Lee.

So, Carlito, have you played Dust 514 yet?

Nope, nope. Is that still in beta?

Yeah, it's supposed to go live sometime this year.

Well, I'm thinking about playing Eve again, though.

Who's that?

Hello, is this James?

Sorry?

I'm calling for James. Is this him or her?

No, it's Noah. It's not him. No, it's his wife.

Oh, okay. I'm calling from the Ministry of Health.

I have a very important health announcement.

Smith. Always check your sexual

organs for lumps or

growths, because that may indicate

you have cancer. We want everybody

to ensure they have perfect sexual

organ health so that they

can have lots of sexual intercourse.

Are your sexual organs healthy?

Uh, no. We go

to HBO. Well, good. You should

have them checked. Always check your sexual

organs. Right. And you

were also caught speeding on the M1.

You were going 88 miles an hour.

Did you activate your flux capacitor?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't understand. I don't understand what you're saying.

You were going too fast on the M1. You're going to be issued a 50-pound speeding fine.

I don't know if you are using the shape, but I know you are here on the phone.

I have a real concern about that. I've been fooled in a number of things.

What?

The fuck was that?

I was going to say, if she's old, you should recommend that she use a good water-based lubricant.

No, if she's too old to use her sexual organs, she needs to donate them to somebody that can use them.

Yeah, seriously, you know?

Or just die.

The cat wants to leave the room.

I'm going to have to take a break, let him out.

Because if I'm getting up, I'm going to

get some more water machine here.

What's wrong, Davi?

If I'm too old to have sex, you might as well die.

Davi, boy.

Oh, he's with me now.

I'm petting him now. He's alright.

It's okay, Davi. You can stay.

Alright, we'll try a different one there.

I'm calling.

By the way, I'm going from the bottom up.

Most customers didn't know about those

Those flux capacitors fucking tracking them all the way around.

All right, no answer there.

Here's the other one.

We only got one of these answers so far, right?

Yeah, we got the speeding guy.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Is that Rebus?

Yes, hi.

Speaking.

All right, very good.

Yes, I'm calling from Rental Services Machines.

We had a complaint that came here from the local rental center.

They had us pull the records on the GPS on your vehicle that you had rented.

and apparently you were speeding.

We have you going 80 miles an hour

for an extended period of time.

Hello?

Ma'am?

Try her back.

Why would she just hang up and not answer?

Damn her.

She must have been speeding, little bitch.

Okay, next one.

So, Carlito, my cat is just sitting,

looking at me with that look of the,

I want you to pet me,

but I want you to come over and pet me

instead of I'm coming to you.

No, no, forget that.

That's fucking jammed.

Damn it, man. I'll try her again.

Hello? No. I think she

picked up and hung up that time. And

uh, Craig Walker, we

already did, so that's it. No more

y'all. I'm all out.

Can we call Zappos? Uh, do you

know the number offhand? I don't have it saved

currently. Let me see. Uh, I thought

we were supposed to know call and ask about us products for sexual organs you have any skew

numbers man you know on my phone you don't have a computer or maybe not oh you're in bed what are

you doing now you're on the phone you don't want to say what are you doing hello not my man my

computer okay no i'm just being stupid i'm getting the number here hang on yeah figure it out on the

fly that's how we do it you know right you still here there brent yeah you hear me dirty brent

Yep.

I'm just curious if you're here.

That's all.

I paired my Bluetooth.

Yeah, mine is very unreliable.

I'm wearing a little Zappos in your day.

Good evening.

Think of recalling Zappos.com.

My name is Elsie.

How can I help you?

Oh, hey.

Good evening, Big Elsie.

How are you?

Very good.

Thanks for asking.

And yourself?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm interested in some of these products you have here.

Okay.

And I was curious, maybe I give you the SKU number and you look it up there in your little

computer.

You ready?

I'm truly sorry.

You're cutting off in and out.

I can barely understand you.

Oh, that's happening.

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah, I hear you fine.

Yep, yep.

You sound good to me, honey.

Hello.

I'll just restart Skype.

Hello.

No, why don't you just be quiet, all right?

Hello.

I don't want to talk to you.

Son of a bitch.

I'm going to restart Skype.

Hey, Ken and Baz.

You guys are here.

I think Aaron's here also, maybe.

Ah!

And we're waiting on Milkman.

Ah!

Hey, man.

What's up?

Yeah, man.

My stomach got a lot of pain.

It was like, pow, pow, kind of shot you guys or something.

Yeah.

Well, I let the cat out, got some more water, and then I remembered I had a sandwich that

I had made yesterday that I didn't eat, and I ate it.

Yeah, it was so good.

This is the Bogdan prank call.

This is Bogdan.

Did I have to pay you the sandwich?

No.

No, I really wish you'd stop talking about that.

I can't talk about a sandwich ever without you bringing that stupid call up.

I hate that call.

I'm hungry every time I hear it.

Mashed potatoes soon.

Anyway, I was thinking about stopping the show,

but I guess I'll keep doing a little bit more, you know?

Why the hell not?

Well, yeah, Davi didn't want to be here anymore.

Here's a British number to call.

I still got to get those requested pranks.

Got quite a few.

I got some skews for Zappos, too.

Oh, they got Zappos?

All right.

I think that's where we left off, was Zappos, right?

Shit.

Yep.

All right, I guess we'll do that.

Boom, boom, boom.

Fifth number.

Remember, I'm putting a little Zappos in your day.

I put a little Zappos in your day.

I'm Terry, and I'm a member of the VCL.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com.

My name's Alan.

How may I help you?

Yes, I was wanting to get some information on a SKU or two that I have here

that I'm looking at on this computer.

Okay, I'll do my best.

Go ahead.

All right, I got 818-0063.

All right, thank you.

One moment.

May I have your name?

My name is Cross.

Cross?

Okay, thank you.

All right, let's see.

Scooby-Doo Amy comes up as the Ariat Horse Love No Shows.

Ariat Horse Love No Shows, yeah.

Okay, how can I help you?

Yeah, so those only come up to the ankle, it looks like, right?

It does.

Only comes up to the ankle.

And these won't cover up the sexual organs whatsoever?

I don't think so.

All right, now, could a man put these on his sexual organs, you think?

I don't know.

It would depend on the person.

Well, it would depend on the elastic also.

I would hope so, yeah.

Yeah, would you ever maybe try putting that on your site, like around covering the sexual organs with the socks?

I don't think so, but your conversation is appropriate, so I'm going to release your call, okay?

It's appropriate? Yeah, thanks.

No, it's inappropriate. Thank you.

You said it's appropriate, though. Like, you said the wrong thing.

Stupid.

You did.

Asshole.

You said it was appropriate.

You said it's appropriate.

Sexual socks.

Those ones starting at like 7, 8, 1 are about fat bitches.

Okay.

You know, the ready-to-eat chili peppers do that.

Zappos in your day.

I'm Terry, and I'm a member of the ZCLP.

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

My name is Michelle.

How may I help you out tonight?

Oh, hello.

I'm calling about SKU number 7736388.

Great thinking.

Again, I'd be more than happy to help you out.

And that was 773-6388.

Yes.

And how may I help you out?

What is it that you have this down as?

It's Butter London Nail Fertilizer, horsepower.

All right.

So this is a butter fertilizer from the horse.

So my guess is that they took the horse's sexual organs and they masturbated them

and then made butter out of the semen that came out and all that

after you had an ejaculation no it's just a name um pretty much so they didn't masturbate a horse

for this no okay is there anything there that would come from the horse being masturbated

as an effect of it no there's no byproducts at all no we're animal friendly here okay well that's

yeah it's it's from the horse he likes it yeah did you have any more questions yeah when i grew

grew up in puerto rico there was this guy he used to masturbate the horses the whole the whole

neighborhood knew about it you know like we knew about it we never said anything but when you we

always said that guy masturbates horses okay that's cool that is cool i'm glad you like it

yeah you know some women call me a horse the condom filler yeah okay so i fill up condoms

with meat and sperm was there anything like zappos related i can help you out with or

Yeah, do you have anything cream pie related?

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, nothing at all?

Can you search for cream pie?

Cream pie, like a...

What exactly are you looking for?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, cream pies.

Cream pie is when the man finishes inside the woman, you know?

Yeah, so I'm going to disconnect the call, okay?

All right.

I'll see you later.

All right.

She knew before she fucking asked.

She knew what you were looking for.

She's a dirty girl.

She knows what cream pie is.

She sounded kind of hot.

Yeah, I don't think my wife would know.

I should wake up my wife and ask her,

you know what a cream pie is?

What?

Throw something at me.

Must be down with a cream pie.

Anybody want to talk to Zappos?

The line of skews all at the bottom

with a whole bunch of them in one row.

Those have, like, fat girls and stuff like that.

I'm Perry, and I'm a member of the ZCLP scheduling team.

To better assist you with your shopping needs,

please press 1 for new orders, 2 for general questions,

3 for...

Thank you for holding.

For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded.

Sexual organs.

Let me help you.

Yes, hi, this is Eddie.

How you doing, Eddie?

I'm good.

I have a SKU number for you.

seven nine three

four two

five eight

and that's the bliss fat girl soap

yes and that is the bliss fat

girl soap there now what I

wanted to see was this soap

itself does it have anything

that would um irritate

or possibly harm a woman's

sexual organs

um let me watch the video can I

play some brief holds any uh you're gonna watch

a video yeah you like it's

It's got, like, the pictures of the item, and then it's got the video.

Oh, play the video, yeah.

Let's see if there's any sexual organ problems, any problems in the video with sexual organs.

Okay.

All right.

Give me one moment so I can listen to it, okay?

Okay, buddy.

How long is this video?

I'm not 100% sure, but I'm going to go with no.

So you think I can put this down there, my wife's sexual organs, and it won't bother her?

I would say yes, but I'm not 100% sure.

I don't know if you want to take that risk.

I don't think it will harm her.

Okay, all right.

And then, like, it's safer, all the different parts in the body, the anus, the nipples?

Yes.

What are some of your favorite parts?

My favorite parts of what?

Of the girl's body.

Her eyes.

Her eyes?

Do you like her ass?

It depends, Eddie.

Do you like the back of the neck?

You know what I like to do?

Is there anything else?

Go ahead.

I like to give a girl a massage.

I like to give a girl a massage, you know?

Well, that's good.

And then I sneak a finger in there, you know?

That's my move.

When I get to the legs, I sneak a finger in, you know, and then it's on, you know?

Then it's time.

I don't know that.

That's not my move at all.

There's a girl back there.

Ask her if she wants some massage.

Ask her.

Does she have pretty knees, pretty legs and knees?

Do you like girls with nice legs?

Do you like that?

Not at all.

You don't like girls?

Mm-mm.

Do you like boys?

Is there anything else that I can help you with?

Oh, tell me.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, did I offend you? I didn't know you liked boys. I'm sorry, don't be mad.

No, you're not offending me at all.

Oh, so you like boys? What is your favorite part on the boy? The sexual organs?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here, Eddie.

What's your favorite part on a man? His sexual organs?

No.

No? Do you like his eyes?

Mm-hmm.

You like a man's eyes?

Eyes.

Yes.

You like men's mouth also?

Yeah.

Mouths? No, you don't like mouth? No?

Do you like to hold hands with a man?

Eddie, is there anything else about this soap or anything else Zappos related I can help you with?

How many cute young men are there right now at the Zappos?

Is there a special man there you like?

Okay, Eddie, I am going to go ahead and release the call, okay?

Is there a special man? Tell me.

That you think about every...

That was weird and awkward.

Hang on, I've got to redo the video stream.

I've got to get a second copy of it going because it looks like the time on this one is running out.

Shit.

Give me a moment, please.

Let me just play some more organ music here.

He likes the girl's eyes.

You see that?

That's so cliche.

That says, oh, look at your eyes.

Oh, look at your eyes.

He's using the answer that he would give to the chick.

You talk to another dude, you're like, oh, she has some good tits.

Yeah, man.

Big boobies.

They're like big pussy labs.

Big fat pussy pumpers.

Yep.

Or big black pussy pumpers.

That's what it was.

That's a good movie.

I'm almost done with this.

this music's fucking stupid i'll have the bass beat on that anyway we've been there and done

that okay we'll call zappos back maybe in a little bit maybe maybe before that let's look

at request a prank see what's going on there what's to do for uh we already did this last

white iphone let me refresh it first roommates all right fine we'll do roommates let me go to

The older messages, I think I tried to do one already, but it didn't work.

Okay, so we'll do this one then.

Female looking for a male to share bedroom.

That's all we got here from the ad.

No problem.

Here it is.

Just a moment.

Aaron, you want to do a prank or are you good?

All right, Aaron.

Beating his wife.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

I think that went right to voicemail.

I would expect guys are just jumping on this whole opportunity.

Oh, hell yeah.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

You know, if they're legit, it just seems weird.

Like a honeypot.

It's too good to be true.

There's one that has a studio apartment, and I think that's the one that included her picture in it also.

Could be the old bait and switch.

Yeah.

Female studio apartment looking for a roommate to share.

And as Ken said, a pick is included.

Very nice.

Here we go.

Nice futon there in that pick, looks like.

Nice Walmart furniture.

Very nice.

Nice Walmart furniture.

Looks like for an end table, you get one of those Tupperware container stacks.

Yeah, hi, I'm looking at this roommate for a one room roommate you're looking for.

Is it $100 a week?

That's $100 a week, $400 a month, right?

Yep.

Put that in there, too.

I was really straightforward about that.

Oh, no, I was a little confused about if it was $100 a month or, you know, a week.

You don't have to be rude, you know.

So is this Walmart furniture you have there and sexual organs?

I do.

Walmart furniture I have.

Yeah, and sexual organs?

Walmart furniture and widow.

Sexual organs?

Sexual organs.

Yeah, there's a picture here with sexual organs in it.

I have ads.

Yeah, there's you.

You, you're outside on, like, a balcony, and you're showing your sexual organs.

Sign on to it on paper.

In reality...

No, I'm not.

Yeah, and then...

That'd be if you were naked.

No, I can see your sexual organs in here.

Me and, as Mike says, there's always a chance of further acting out by your partner.

So it's very, you're very promiscuous, it looks like.

That's the ugly top you're wearing in the picture, though.

You look like an old lady, you know?

Why did you start this in the first place?

What?

So you look like that top that you're wearing in this picture.

You're kind of just scaring me.

You're scaring me.

You look like an old lady that's like a polka dot, pink on black.

It looks like it's something out of the 70s.

Are you happy that you're scaring me?

No, I'm just...

You're scaring me, personally.

Because I'm telling you that...

I'm really normal.

Girls and guys go around wearing clothes and bodies.

Sexual organs.

You're scaring me.

Sexual organs.

Are you going to scare me?

I'm not meaning to scare you, honey, baby.

You are scaring me.

Don't call me honey.

Can I get your address so I can come by and look at the apartment?

No.

Well, you said, yeah, that it's $400 a week.

No.

You're already wrong.

Is this in a hotel room?

It's $100 a week and $400 a month if you live here for four weeks.

Yeah.

Well, some months have five weeks in them instead of four.

So what happens then?

What's your name?

This is Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, you already scared me.

Oh, can we start from the beginning?

I said you already scared me.

We're not going to get along.

No, but I'm just not going to bother you or anything.

I just, you know, want to stay there.

I don't have to give you my address.

I don't, you don't, would you want me to come to your address and talk to you?

No.

Well, yeah, sure, you can come over and everything.

Just don't wear that ugly top of yours, that's all.

And you can show me your sexual organs all you want.

Why are you saying sexual organs?

What else am I supposed to call it?

Something disgusting?

You know, there's a porno industry, like, blasphemy, like, over in Catsworth,

but it's not really my problem.

We all have sexual organs.

We all have mouths and eyes and hands and feet and tongues.

Yeah, I can see them all on you.

And I wouldn't let you come over here after what you just said.

You totally just flunked.

I'm sorry.

Why would you say that to me?

I was trying to be...

I'm really cute and pretty and I'm single.

I don't want some guy to come fucking hurt me sexually.

No, I don't.

I would never do that.

God, no.

I would never dream of doing that.

Are you sure?

I hope.

You promise?

Yeah, have a girlfriend.

I mean, like, I'm cute and single and nice and pretty.

I mean, you wouldn't come and hurt me because I look happy, cute, nice, and single, right?

No, not at all.

Okay, good.

No, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Can we start over again, you know?

Can we go back to, you know, before I met you and everything?

There's only one bathroom, right?

Are you comfortable when you're taking a shower if I can use the toilet?

No.

But I won't flush it while you're using the hot water because that gets cold.

No, no. No, actually you wouldn't. The hot water here never runs out.

Oh, that's good.

That's good, but...

No, this isn't like that.

I had a boyfriend like that, and the apartment one was really like that.

He died.

He died when I was 30.

Uh-huh.

I'm 42.

He died when I was 30.

Oh, you're pretty old.

I wasn't with him.

He has a baby, and the baby's, like, a Mexican thing.

Like, I come from total white people, and these total white guys are, like, flipping out.

They're, like, Hispanic culture.

truth well you could be dumb like white cultures too or dumb black cultures or dumb asian cultures

you know i mean i don't know what to tell you no yeah you see if you if you came and pee if you

came in if you if i was taking a shower i and you came and peed when i was in there i'd be really

mad well i was telling you because i would be desperate because i need rent money and if you

flush the toilet um the hot water wouldn't run out the hot water never runs out here okay

No, I am not those people.

I don't know if it was me and a guy I knew when I was like 20 years old,

or if it's you or something you want.

Do you think that's kind of sad and weird?

You can just only have nice things going on.

Don't you know how to be a roommate with a girl?

Like if she's your co-worker or your boss or your sister?

No, you sound like you're a little crazy.

You sound like you're a little crazy.

I'm a little worried now.

Why? Because you called and said you wanted to come to my sexual organs?

No, I said I could see your sexual organs hanging out of this top

and these pants that you're wearing in this picture.

I'm just letting you know. I don't know if you would want that.

No, you can't. I'm not wearing a low-cut bra or tight pants.

It's not very modest.

Well, I'll tell you what else.

I hate Spics, but I like Mexicans, you know?

You hate Facebook or Spics? What did you say?

I hate spics, but I like Mexicans, and I hate niggers, but...

What does spics mean?

I hate niggers, but I like black people, you know?

like there's

there's black people and there's n words you know and there's mexicans good mexicans and then

there's spix out there you know and i don't like them i like where are you calling from i'm calling

I'm calling from my cell phone.

I'm living in my car.

I'm staying in my car.

I was just using...

Are you leaving L.A. or something?

Yeah, I came from Las Vegas.

I came down...

Where are you?

Where are you from?

From Las Vegas.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

I'm from Vegas.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

I'm from Vegas.

Yep.

Why would you say I'm not?

I know where I'm from.

What are you talking about?

You born there?

I was born there and raised, but I left.

My mom's always on my case.

you know my girlfriend left me okay well i'm sorry i probably i'm i'm english white that's cool

i like that that's that's good no you don't you said i'm you do you think i'm like a spick a

spick is a slang for italians 100 years ago in new york oh whatever there's no spicky italian

immigrants here it's a lot of mexican brown people around here oh i like that that's good

you know do you like to cook and i'm a girl female am i supposed to be like the immigrants

and minorities i mean i'm i mean it's really weird yeah i can't deal i can't deal you what

you already said i look like a spick i look like a spick but i'm a girl and my mom was blonde and

i lived at my mom's house and that's like old school like if you're in new york or something

you're really weird yeah do you do you like working yeah where do you work i don't have a

a job that's what scares me so how are you getting money are you like doing tricks on the street and

stuff like that huh i already like i got money i keep getting money in the nice right ways i will

do some work or i'll split my apartment or something like that or i'll get a job or i'll

do something it's nothing illegal what are you a cop the cops have checked me out so many times

and they're like michelle's okay because i am no i'm cool no i just i was wondering you know about

I've got these pictures and sexual organs showing, you know, and a vibrator on your desk and all that.

There's not a vibrator on my desk.

Yeah, do you have a vibrator?

Do you use one?

Would you shut up?

No, tell me.

I don't want to talk to you.

There's no vibrator on my desk.

Where do you keep it?

Do you keep it under the cushions or the futon?

I have a vibrator.

You're gross.

Do you have a dildo then?

No.

Do you ever use, like, vegetables and stuff, like a cucumber?

No.

Oh, do you like sex?

I'm not going to tell you if I did or I didn't.

You just scared me.

It's going to be hot when we're sleeping together in the same bed and all that.

I'm going to...

No, you're not going to be here.

I'm not going to ever meet you.

I don't know how I'm going to keep my hands off of you, you know?

I'm just going to keep touching...

You're gross.

Touching and touching.

Do you know you're scaring me?

Why?

Don't be scared.

I'm cool.

I'm a cool guy.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I'm a cool guy.

I'm just trying to, you know, figure all this out, man.

man. Everyone's stressing me

out, you know? Stressing me out about this.

I need to reduce my

spending, so that's why I'm looking for a place to

split with this sexy girl, you know?

No. Yeah, come on.

You're not decent, and you scare me.

I'm a decent human being.

You scare me. I came across guys just like you when I was

a teenager, and you were scary, and I'm 42

right now, and my picture's real.

I go to church every week, too.

You want to go with me? We can go to church

together, sit together, and, you know,

maybe later on we get to know each

We can hold hands in the church, and I can introduce you to the pastor.

Why are you doing this?

What?

Why don't you shut the fuck up and stop saying stuff that will scare me?

No, I'm just saying it'd be nice if you could come to church with me and I'll introduce you to the pastor.

Hello?

You have reached Muhammad's voice.

Oh, we're at Hawama, yeah?

Oh, you make me laugh.

You have such a good sense of humor.

You're so hot when you're angry, Michelle.

show no i'm not yeah you are you're like the nightmare of me you make me sick you make me

sick and scared and fuck up you're really hot when you're angry no i'm not yeah do you like

makeup sex it's not like the best sex it's yeah no you you i would never have sex with you and

you make me scared you're like um can i just sit i'll sit there in a chair and look at you

On people that had a beer.

I had a beer.

I can see that.

All I did was have a beer.

You're like my worst nightmare.

You were a really scary dude.

Okay.

What did you say?

All you've had is a beer?

What?

I said all I did was have a beer.

I am not evil or bad.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean all you had was a beer?

I'm never going to meet you and you cannot come with me.

Asshole, what are you saying all you had was a beer?

I don't, what are you talking about?

I had a beer.

Where?

I drank a beer.

A beer makes me drunk.

So you're drunk?

Yeah.

Why are you spending money on beer when you don't have a job and you can barely afford your rent and stuff?

Cost less than a lot of other stuff.

It's only 50 cents a beer.

Oh, what'd you get?

The beer is only 50 cents a beer.

What beer is it?

God.

It's soda cost more than beer.

What fucking beer is it?

It's not about the money cost.

What fucking beer is it?

What kind?

What brand?

What label?

Why?

Why do you want to know?

I just want to know what the cheap beer is because I'm going to get that.

It sounds good.

It's cheap.

Oh, for yourself?

Yeah, for me, I drink beer.

Well, what kind?

Do you have cable TV?

No.

Did you buy a 40?

I don't.

I don't have cable TV.

Did you buy a 40?

What did you get?

No.

They're really cheap beers, and there's light beer in the lager version, and I switched

from the light to the lager, and I was astounded how drunk the lager makes me, but I'm a skinny

girl.

I put this thing on my Facebook.

Look, beer makes girls drunk faster.

Yeah.

And girls got to really watch out for not driving and drinking and stuff like that.

Yeah, you got to be careful.

And girls got to watch out for women.

I know I'm a woman.

You know I'm age 42.

And I have to watch out to not wander around some people when I'm drunk.

Yeah, you're pretty old, so you got to be careful.

I'm sitting at my desk too long when I was a student or a girl in high school or college.

Okay.

And I just, like, had a beer.

And I'm just, like, of course, like, exercise or, excuse me, exercise or eating or going to sleep is better than that.

Hey, what's your Facebook?

Just so I can check that out.

I don't want to tell you my Facebook.

Oh, man.

All right.

Can I give you my website?

You can go to it and check it out.

See, I'm cool.

I'm just joking around.

I'm serious.

I've been drinking, too, you know.

But I had to spend a lot more for beer.

This 50-cent beer thing sounds good.

It is.

They sell it at Walgreens.

Yeah, but what's the brand?

So I know.

The Big Flats.

Big Flats?

All right, I'll check it out.

All right.

Do you want, can you?

And it's Kansas beer.

It's Kansas beer at Walgreens.

I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to be a beer addict.

It's so good, and I happen to keep having money, and no one cares if I drink it.

Hey, who cares?

People at the store laugh whenever I'm on to be a beer ghetto fat-ass edit girl, but...

Don't you hate it?

I mean, it's cheap and big flats.

Who cares?

Yeah, who cares?

At Walgreens.

Big flats at Walgreens.

So I have a blog and...

It's legal.

It's two minutes a shot.

Okay, all right, all right, honey.

You can have lighter lager.

Okay.

Lighter regular.

I don't care anymore.

Okay, look.

I usually go to the light beer and I drink a lager and the lager makes me...

I'm like, whoo!

This is like my wife when she gets drunk.

But I don't do anything weird.

I just sit there going, oh, my God, I'm drunk.

And I laugh with my friends or laugh at music videos on the Internet.

Michelle.

Yeah?

I'm a blogger.

That's why I don't get a lot of money for my work.

I have a blog, you know, a news blog.

It's a local blog.

I don't know.

Do you have a computer?

Do you have Internet?

Yeah.

You want to check it out just so you can go to it and see I'm not that bad of a guy?

Does it have a picture of you on it?

Yeah, I'm on there.

Why do you think my photo was about sex organs?

I don't know.

You don't scare me.

You know how much hatred can be done on women that look pretty?

I'm like being healthy and pretty.

Actually, I don't care if I'm drunk or sober.

And there's been like hatred around on women that just look cute.

I mean, I'm not even wearing a low-cut shirt, and I have boobs.

I know a girl.

I'm a girl.

I'm not wearing shorts.

Yeah, you want to check out the website?

fine either way i mean if i don't really need like i've been afraid like someone was mean to me in

high school michelle went to high school and i don't i don't really want anybody being mean to

me i'm like no i do not okay no i don't can you check the website out what is it it's uh

meatspin.com meatspin yeah meatspin.com make sure you turn your speakers up www.meatspin.com

Yeah, the meat spin is all together, one word, no spaces, you know.

Me or meat?

Meat, like you eat meat, spin.

Meat, M-E-E-T?

M-E-A-T, spin.

It sounds like you're a gay rights activist.

No.

Yeah, you're too much like, just like total fucking and porno and stuff.

Yeah, that's the video.

That's why I wanted to show you sexual organs.

I don't really care.

You saw the sexual organs, isn't it nice to look at them?

Really, I don't really, I need to tell you what I really think of that.

I know what pornos and stuff are.

Oh, it's sexy, though, right?

Doesn't it make you all hot and bothered?

No.

Have you really only had one beer?

You're really lying, Michelle.

No, it doesn't.

You've had more than one beer, dude.

Seriously?

No, it doesn't make me hot and bothered.

No.

Okay, have you really had more?

You really haven't had more than one beer?

Because you sound like you're so drunk.

Why are you doing this?

You really are drunk.

Do you have a drinking problem at all?

Or do you just drink a lot tonight?

No, but I drink a bunch of beers.

That doesn't mean that I have a drinking problem.

I just drink a bunch of beers.

Then why did you tell me that you...

I know what sex and pornos are.

Why did you tell me you only had one beer?

Why did you tell me you only had one beer when you had more than that?

I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You said, I only had one beer.

Now, right now, you just said you had a bunch of beers.

I know you're not that drunk off of one beer.

Hello?

You're scaring me.

Did you know that?

Hey, Brian.

Brian.

Yes?

Hey, Michelle's on the line, and she's drunk, and she's horny, and she wants to sleep with you.

Oh, forget it.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

Shut up.

He's wrong.

Ryan, she says she's horny for you.

No, I don't.

She just went to your website.

She got all hot and bothered because she's been drinking.

Yeah.

Now he knows.

I told him.

Oh, shit.

I hung up on her.

Damn it.

I hung up on the wrong one.

Dude.

Call her back.

Oh, shit.

I hit the wrong one.

Fuck.

I found her Facebook page.

Oh, you did?

How'd you do that?

She put her email address in the ad.

Oh, God.

She's fucking drunk off her ass.

She's sitting there.

She's down to fuck, for sure.

Holy shit.

What the hell, man?

Call her back.

She's probably so shit-faced she doesn't know that you hung up on her.

Yeah.

This is business.

She lives in Canoop Park.

That's a fucking keeper.

Hello?

Hey, I found you.

Michelle Clevenger, right?

Eddie?

Yeah.

You just called me back.

Yeah, I hung up.

Why did you do that?

I heard his name, Brian, on the other line.

Don't fuck around.

Yeah, he was interested, but I told him that you were telling me that you wanted to sleep with him or something.

No, I don't.

You're Michelle Clevenger, right?

No, I don't.

You're making me mad.

Yeah, I'm Michelle Clevenger.

What do you want to do?

So what's up?

No, I'm just saying it's cool.

You know, I like you.

You heard me say that, too.

Why did you do that?

You never said that was your name.

What do you mean?

or that uh not say that to brian i know two guys named brian i'm friends with two different guys

named brian yeah well not it's probably not the same brian you know yeah i'm gonna call the other

brian right now let him know what you've been talking you know about your sexual organs would

you shut up i did slangy pissy stuff like what am i a piece of poor ass you like sexual organs

you were watching on the computer just now i caught you you dirty girl why didn't you shut up

Well, it's true.

Why would you bug with me this way?

Oh, you're sitting there looking at dirty pictures on the computer.

I caught you.

No.

You like doing that.

No, I don't.

Okay, whatever.

Welcome to the message.

You say so.

So did you find your vibrator or did you want to tell me the truth about...

I bet you pissed off your friend Brian and you're pissing me off and scaring me.

Well, don't be angry.

I just wanted you to hear me do a call, a phone call, you know?

You're scaring me, and that guy Brian that you're talking about knows you're a dumbass.

Yeah, maybe.

You're wrong.

Maybe.

So how many beers did you have?

Five?

You had like five beers, didn't you?

No, I had five taco weenies.

Taco weenies?

Uh-huh.

You're going to get fat.

You know, you got to be careful.

A woman your age.

I know I'm not going to get fat.

Yeah, a woman when you're...

You're scaring the fucking shit out of me.

When you're 42 years old...

You want to tell me your phone number, Eddie?

When you're 42 years old, you start getting fat, you know?

Old and fat and rumply.

What's your phone number?

You have it on the caller ID, stupid.

No, I don't.

My caller ID's broken.

What do you mean?

Your screen on your phone's broken?

This is how I make friends with people.

I put Craigslist ads saying I need a roommate, and my caller ID's broken.

It doesn't work.

I'm like, why doesn't my caller ID show up?

It doesn't say who's calling me.

I'm sorry.

You have to tell me who you are.

Okay, so your name is Eddie, and what's your phone number?

I don't know.

Wait a minute.

Why?

Are you a police?

No, but they might be listening, stupid.

fuck and i don't really appreciate what you did why what are you doing i'm like i'm a really nice

woman uh who cares if i had a beer i'm not driving or walking around you had more than one beer

ate too much sugar would you fucking kill me for that too you had like five beers you said your

name's eddie what's your phone number eddie i don't want to give it to you because i'm afraid

that you're too drunk to write it down anyway don't worry i'll call you back myself no i'm not

Not you stupid fuck.

I remember everything and all the neighbors can hear me.

And I remember things if I have a beer or sugar or coffee or alcohol.

I remember everything.

Yeah, you don't remember where you're from.

You know that?

What do you think?

You like to go around finding out who had a beer?

What do you want me to do?

Go sober because of you?

Yeah, I'm writing.

Are you sober?

Did you drink a beer?

No.

You stupid fuck.

No, I didn't drink.

Did you drink a fucking beer?

No.

What the fuck are you doing fucking with me?

Fuck you.

Did you drink a beer?

Or did you have a fucking donut?

You're going to get fat.

Don't eat donuts or drink beers?

Why are you calling me and bothering me?

Who are you?

Yeah, you're going to get fat.

You're old.

You're 42.

I'm not that old.

I'm younger than you.

That's really ghetto if you're white, black, brown, or Asian.

I'm young.

You can be young and dumb and die when you're young, idiot.

Yeah.

Well, you're going to die in a few years of alcoholism.

Your liver is going to explode because you're so sick drinking beers all the time, cheap beers.

So why did you call me to tell me that?

Well, you know, and I like you.

You look cute, you know.

So you want to, like, fuck me first, and then I could go die somewhere?

No, I need to get a room.

Why did you call me?

Why do you want to, like, you think I'm, like, my liver's fine.

Okay.

So you want to, like, fuck me first, and then I could just go die somewhere conveniently,

and you just will go around fucking more chicks.

Yeah.

You're drunk and dumb and don't remember.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

You said your name's Eddie.

What, is your name Eddie?

Yeah, I told you that already.

Where are you bugging me?

You said you live in your car.

Do you live in your car?

Yeah.

Why are you bugging me?

Well, I told you I was on my iPhone, and I saw that you are, you know, looking for a roommate.

Well, I, I, why are you torturing me because of my, my aunt?

I just want to make a deal.

I want to come get the, take a look at the place and give you $100 a week.

You can't live here.

You're already fucking scared the hell out of me.

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

You're already fucking scared the hell out of me, and there's another guy here.

What?

You can't fuck me.

I don't want you to fuck me, you stupid little fuck.

Do you get that?

What?

You shut the fuck up and fuck off.

What did I...

I don't need somebody to come fuck me and there'll be another guy here.

Didn't you fucking get that?

What did I ruin that?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Why?

Because I'm by myself?

Or I had a beer?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

What about cream pie?

I think you're an asshole.

Do you know what cream pie is?

And I'm listening to the fucking neighbors running around.

If I start screaming, they're fucking coming.

The police will come in a minute.

They'd be like, what's going on?

I'm not saying the neighbors are my gangbanger friends,

but they'd be like, what the fuck?

You can't fuck with me like that.

Do you understand that yet?

They hate you.

Where's my sex organs, you fucking faggot ass?

I'm wearing normal clothes in a photo.

Where's my fucking sex organs, you fucking little freak?

They're showing.

If you lighten up the picture, if you lighten the contrast,

you can see your sexual organs.

No, they're not.

I am a girl wearing pants and a shirt.

No, your sexual organs.

I'm walking around in a pants and a shirt.

You fucking weirdo.

Who are you?

What's your phone number?

That old lady top of yours.

I don't want you to fucking come near here.

You could be an old fucking lady.

There's a lot of ugly old ladies.

And a lot of ugly little weird dudes.

It doesn't matter what age you are.

You could be ugly or happy or nice or healthy.

You got a clue?

This isn't funny.

You bring up the worst in me and you're weird.

And my caller ID really doesn't work on my phone.

I was pissed today.

It didn't work.

Well, chill out.

Don't be a whore.

There's another guy here renting to live here, and this isn't a joke.

Would you stop?

Would you get a clue on that?

You're a liar.

No, I'm not.

You are.

I'm not lying.

I just told you the truth.

Hey, I'm looking at a...

You're scaring the fucking hell out of me.

I'm looking at a picture...

You can never come here.

How does this...

You can never come here.

Okay, shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Or even, like, age 15.

You're a fucking scary dude.

Here we go again.

Listen, honey, I'm looking at a...

Fuck off, honey, faggot ass.

What are you calling me honey for?

Who in the fuck do you think you are?

You will never come here, and I will never know you.

Do you get that, you little motherfucker?

You fucking stupid little freak.

You will never come here, and I will never be friends with you.

How dare you call me honey?

You're a fucking weirdo.

And I'm glad I'm not alone with you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I've only just made friends with the nicest guys around here.

Okay.

And some women, too.

And I am a woman.

Okay, that's fine.

You are a scary motherfucker.

Then you go call somebody else, honey, you little fucking faggot ass.

What the fuck do you think I'm like, honey?

My sex organ parts?

I'm wearing baggy shorts and a t-shirt, you stupid fuck.

Don't ever fucking talk to me like that again.

You're the fucking honey.

Get the fuck away from me.

You can't ever come here.

And you think this is funny?

You're scaring me from my body and my life.

Okay.

You want me to dress ugly and die because you think I look hot

and you're going to come and fuck me or fuck me

and you think that's what I'm for?

What if I was alone with you?

You're my worst fucking nightmare.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I didn't mean to make you upset, okay?

Don't fucking call me sweetie.

You're my worst fucking nightmare.

You said honey.

You think because I'm pretty that I'm here for you to fuck?

You can't come here for me to fuck.

You can fucking fuck off.

So don't call you honey.

You're my worst nightmare.

Don't call you honey or sweetie.

And if it wasn't you, somebody else, somebody did this to me when I was a teenager.

I was just, like, being happy and doing aerobics in school.

I was, like, a teenage girl.

And some fucking weirdo goes, you know you want it.

You know you want it.

And I was, like, fuck off, dude.

I know, right?

I'm so wrong.

You're freaking me out.

That's bullshit, man.

Fuck off, right?

Don't you hate that shit?

No, I mean it.

Like, fuck off.

Like, you're not going to be my friend.

You're not helping me really fix my problem.

You just want to come fuck with me and make something scary, and I'm 42.

Like, I look like, sometimes I look really cute, and people think I'm young, which sucks when you're trying to make money.

You're trying to make money and be like, I'm experienced and a professional, and blah, blah, blah.

That's what I'm trying to do.

I'm 42 years old.

It scared the hell out of me.

Well, I'm...

I'm lucky that I didn't just get in trouble because you're scaring me,

and the neighbors can hear me yelling at you on my phone.

All right, well, maybe you should calm down, honey.

I'm sorry.

Don't get so mad.

No, maybe you should shut up and stop saying honey.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, baby.

No, you should shut up and stop saying baby.

You just caused it.

You caused it on me.

Baby.

You caused it on any girl.

Baby, baby, baby.

And I wouldn't care.

I know when I have a beer or not,

And I know when I'm hungry, tired, skinny, sometimes my ass gets on the fat side.

I'm still skinny when I even want to ask the fat.

I'm still like, no, what's up?

And you're just mean.

I don't need any mean dude.

I really never want any mean dude.

You're mean.

You're like an anon.

You're like an al-anon.

You're a twitty who will prank around scared people.

What if I never had a beer again and you'd still be a jerk to me?

You go find someone else to be a jerk to.

Don't be a jerk.

You've got some kind of an Al-Anon problem towards women.

An Al-Anon problem?

What?

Towards women.

Oh, an Alcoholics Anonymous problem?

You have some kind of a problem.

You want to just fuck with somebody, me.

It's not cool.

You can't do that.

Well, you need to calm down, sweetie.

I'm not trying to make you upset, you know, and yell and stuff

and mess up your...

I'm lucky that the police or the manager

or the neighbors didn't just get me in trouble

right now. You could really fuck me up

and you'd scare me. I don't want you...

You won't even listen to what I just said.

I'm, like, walking outside right now.

Everything's fine where I live in my apartment building.

That's good.

You're not supposed to scare me like that.

Who the fuck do you think you are, like, talking to me like that?

I'm looking at a picture of you.

What is your problem with me? Like, everything's fine

where I actually live. I could get in trouble

for being a loud mouth right now

because you're scaring

the fucking shit out of me.

I'm looking at a picture.

You're scaring the shit out of me.

Shut up.

You want to make me homeless?

Who in the fuck are you?

Why would you do this?

Michelle.

And you still say,

honey, baby?

What is wrong with you?

Michelle.

You caused a reaction

like this out of me.

Michelle.

You're wrong.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Michelle,

I'm looking at this picture of you

at USC

and you're sitting down

like in front of the steps.

You look really young there.

Is that like 10 years old?

How old were you in that picture?

You look really cute in that picture.

Oh, me? Like, a day yesterday?

It was yesterday?

Uh-huh.

It says March...

When you're sitting down on the steps?

It says, yeah, March 20th. Was it back in March?

Uh, yeah, that's, like, me now.

Oh, wow, you look...

I come from, I come from, I come from this. I come from here.

Oh, you look...

That's really me.

You look really cute.

You get it?

You're really pretty.

Huh? I am really cute and nice.

Yeah, and I can...

So are the neighbors. So are a lot of people.

Yeah, so you...

You don't go fuck with them because they're cute and nice.

Yeah, you shouldn't be showing your sexual organs out to everybody, you know, when you're...

I'm not.

And your porno link was really disgusting.

That is porno.

That is sexual organs.

I'm glad you know what they are.

Yeah, you told me, like, people fucking.

That's what your picture looks just like that.

I know you said people fucking.

Like, it looked like a penis and a vagina just fucking getting it on fucking.

I know what that is.

And it's like, dude, I don't...

I don't...

That's not my hobby.

I know how to have sex.

I don't need anybody harassing me.

It's really weird.

You're freaking me out.

When's the last time you had a sex?

Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago?

I'm really great for having sex.

I know how to have sex.

It's not my problem.

Don't mess with me.

Do you like to get on top?

What's your favorite position?

I'm none.

I don't care.

Do you like doggy?

Do you do that?

No.

No, you don't?

No.

I thought you just said you're good for having sex.

What do you mean?

No, I'm not then.

I'm not.

I suck.

I hate sex.

You hate sex.

You're lying.

You like sex.

You're a dirty girl.

I know you are.

Come on.

You're showing your sexual organs in these pictures.

You're a dirty girl.

No.

No, I'm not.

You are not.

I am fully covered.

You're a sexy little dirty girl.

I'm not naked.

You mean like naked?

And you're not supposed to really harass naked people, actually, anyways.

Why not?

Because it's rude.

You're not supposed to harass naked people.

If I see a pretty woman on the street, I go, hey, baby.

Hey, sweetie, auntie, baby.

No.

Yeah.

You're not supposed to harass people on the street.

You really aren't.

Whenever I see a sexy girl, I yell, go, woo, honey, baby, like that.

Well, I would be running if you were yelling because of me.

I would be running, and you really shouldn't do that.

Well, I do.

What do you do?

You go around chasing all the neighbors with teenage daughters or wives, too, or me?

I'm single, and I'm fine by myself.

Do you understand this?

Yeah, but I can take it.

I don't need to see some porno fucking shit.

I already know what pornos and sex are.

Everybody does.

I could take care of you.

No, you couldn't.

Yeah, I could.

I could take care of you.

Come on.

Come on, I'll take care of you.

I'll give you $300 a week.

For what?

For roommate rent.

And I'll get cable connected in my name and I'll pay for it.

Cable TV.

I'll get all the channels.

You want to watch Game of Thrones on HBO?

I'll get HBO and you can watch it with me.

You can be my little chicken.

I would be great at being a little chicken, but I don't believe you.

I think you're fucking me over.

Well, you can sit on my lap.

I think you're being mean.

You can sit on my lap and I'll pet you like my little chicken.

Like I'm your little chicken?

Yeah.

Why not a cat or a dog?

Then I look more like a mammal.

No, I want you to be my little chicken.

Chickens are like birds.

You're too mean.

You're mean.

You're mean, though.

You just were mean.

I'm making you laugh.

You like me.

you're attracted to me i don't really care like are you being you wanted to give me your phone

number yeah you smoke a lot of cigarettes i can tell you got big smoker cough that's bad i know

i'm too sexed out with cigarettes and alcohol oh wow why don't you tell me is your name really eddie

yeah i'm eddie then why don't you give me your phone number this is a problem this is not cool

you're acting really weird towards me and i'm acting freaky back at you i don't care how old

viewer i am or what what the hell um if you don't give me your phone number then it's really weird

and my caller id really doesn't work what's wrong with the landline it's and you don't you can't

afford it i have a landline and a cell phone so my landline doesn't work you have to give me your

phone number oh okay i don't know maybe i'll just call you later when are you going to be home

alone no why didn't you call me give me your give me your phone number oh are you going to call me

Yeah.

Yeah?

Possibly.

To hang out?

I think that you don't want me to hang out with you.

I think you're weird.

Oh, I want to hang out.

I like you.

I want to hang out with you.

Yeah, totally.

No, Eddie, are you weird?

No, I'm cool.

I'm cool.

I'm straight.

I'm good.

You're coming off really fucking weird.

I could have just got in trouble for yelling.

Like, the manager of my building, the neighbors, the police, and people that know me could have just fucking just been like,

why is Michelle yelling?

You're not supposed to be yelling at, like, 1130 at night here.

All right, I'll give you my number.

I'll give you my number.

Before I start yelling.

I'll give you my number.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

It's, uh...

7512-702-7...

Yep.

You know, like, here, like, you know that there's an entertainment industry and media industry from Hollywood and Los Angeles, California, right?

So, yeah.

And then there's been an employee around there, and I know what's up with that, right?

And the porno?

They made a bunch of laws, like, they just passed a bunch of laws, like, you have to wear your condom in pornos.

Yeah.

And I was laughing because the porno people obviously tried to go to Ventura, and Ventura was freaking out.

Like, because you need film permits and stuff.

Okay.

I used to go get film permits and work on films, but I wasn't nudity.

I was mostly, like, rated R stuff.

And I was, like, 25, too.

Oh, wow.

You're awesome.

Don't fuck with me, though.

I don't.

No, I don't need you to show me porno fucking, like, penis, vagina.

I don't.

That's not.

You didn't really need to do that.

All right.

But you'll be my little chicken, at least, right?

I don't know.

No.

I rented, like, I actually just shared my apartment with this guy.

His name is Mark, and he's really nice.

So what?

And before that, I should...

So what?

Who cares?

So Reggie just left.

Reggie just left.

Reggie's my friend on Facebook, and I don't need anyone pressuring me about sex ever.

I know how to have sex.

And so what?

Who cares, right?

Did you fuck Reggie?

No.

Yeah?

Why not?

No, I didn't.

Why not?

And you know what?

Hey, Brian.

You know how many guys...

I got Michelle on the line, and she's saying she wants to fuck you.

Shut up.

up would you stop doing that eddie eddie would you fuck off eddie would you shut up stop doing that

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i won't do it again you should be sorry okay i'm sorry i'll just let

you talk i'm sorry go ahead what were you saying reggie came over and he fingered you should be

sorry i dudes were gonna get mad at you worse than i am um reggie came over you can keep my

voice down and not get in trouble in my neighborhood where i live in my apartment

For being loud on my phone

Dude, you should fuck off

You're an idiot

You're going to piss off Brian and a bunch of men

That are bigger than you

Besides me

You're dumb, you're wrong

Okay, Tiger, I'm sorry

You're going to piss off more people besides me

And I'm a girl

And I know you'd win me in a wrestling arm contest

Like a fucking wrestling contest

Yeah, you'd win, dude

You're a dude, you're bigger than me

But it's like, you're going to piss off a lot of men

and you're going to be a weirdo.

What about masturbation contests?

I start at the same time you do.

Well, this is a love line on K-Rock, dude.

Oh, that's a good job.

Yeah, is Brian there?

I have a woman here who's fucking him on the phone.

Shut up.

No, he doesn't.

Would he stop doing that?

Why did you do that?

Because you're fucking Brian.

Huh?

You're fucking Brian.

No, I'm not.

I do not have a lover named Brian.

You're totally wrong.

You just have a fucker named Brian.

You know, you're fucking a guy named Brian

and it's dirty, filthy.

Would you stop it?

You're showing your private parts all over.

Would you stop doing this?

Brian.

Are you going to call me again?

Brian.

Dude, fuck off.

Are you going to call me again?

Brian, Michelle's pissed off that you have a wife because she wanted to fuck you.

No, I don't.

Why are you doing that?

I'm telling everyone.

You're the one with the problem.

I'm telling everyone.

I don't care if I had a beer or not.

And I look glowy-faced, eyed, happy, pretty, with or without a beer or a boyfriend.

Yeah, you're going to look fat.

And I have women friends, and you're being really weird.

Are you going to do this again?

You're going to look fat pretty soon, too, because you're old.

Old and wrinkly.

You're going to get those wrinkles under your chin.

I am fat and old.

Yeah.

Now I'm a size 7 instead of 4.

Would you stop it?

You're getting up there, aren't you?

You're getting up there in the age, old lady.

Old crow.

bro.

Delete,

stop doing that.

What?

Don't fuck people.

Okay.

You're gonna piss off men

a lot more than me,

dude.

Who?

Dude,

don't fuck with me

because I'm a woman.

There'll be some guys

that'll come after you,

I swear to God,

and I don't even need

to tell them to.

They just will

because you're a fucking rude.

I'll tell them

that you're gonna fuck them

so that they'll leave me alone.

No,

they won't.

Yeah,

you will.

No,

they won't.

You'd fuck everybody.

Huh?

You'd fuck anybody.

Any man with a hard dick

you would get with.

No,

I wouldn't.

and why are you saying that to me?

Well, even Reggie came over

and got some pee today from you, you know?

Who?

Reggie.

Telling us to put a little Zappos in your nose, baby.

You gave it up to Reggie.

Yes, you did.

You gave it up to Reggie.

And I'm a member of the ZCLB.

You gave him some of that stink.

How do I make you fuck off?

Thank you for holding.

I don't know.

Well, it's, you know,

you just gotta chill out.

We're recording.

Maybe, you know,

I'll get what I need, honey.

Hi, thank you for calling Zappos.com.

My name is Tabitha.

How can I help you today?

I have Michelle on the phone

and she's being a dirty little girl.

She wants me to get her something.

Okay.

Michelle, hello.

Hello.

Hey, Michelle, I have, what's your name?

Will you stop scaring me?

I don't really need to.

Don't talk to me like that.

You're wrong.

You, hey, look, honey.

And I have a ton of guy friends

and we don't go fucking each other.

I have like a hundred friends on Facebook

and I don't go around fucking all the guys I know

and the girls don't all run around

fucking the guys that they know

and there's people who are just sensible friends.

I mean, like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You're totally rude.

You're rude and you're scaring me.

Uh, Tabitha?

Mm-hmm?

Did you hear that?

How can I help you with Zappos?

Michelle, what can she...

Why are you fucking with me or some girl talking about Zappos, dude?

Could you fuck off?

Yeah, she wants you to hang up, stupid Zappos girl.

Go to hell.

Michelle's gonna, um, have sex with Reggie.

What are you doing?

Don't fuck with me, dude.

Michelle's gonna fuck Reggie tonight again.

He's coming back over.

No, he's not.

What do you want me to say, like Benny or Dorky or Johnny or Maddie or Marky or what the fuck are you doing?

Jose.

Stop messing around.

I'm sorry to the girl.

You're scaring the girl on me.

When's the girl like 21?

Did you fuck Jose?

Did you fuck off?

Did you fuck Jose?

Dude, Eddie, stop doing this.

Did you fuck Jose?

Huh?

Did you fuck Jose?

OJ?

Jose.

No, not Nicole Simpson, dude.

No, Jose.

Did you fuck Jose?

OJ.

OJ?

You mean like OJ, like orange juice?

Jose.

J-O-S-E.

Jose.

No.

Oh, you didn't?

Nope.

What about a hose B?

Nope.

Oh, okay.

All right, what else?

Are you going to delete this picture of you with your genitals hanging out?

I'm going to have to put a little Zappos in your day.

Hello?

I'm married.

There is no picture of me with my genitals,

and I bet you're going to piss off a lot of other women and men besides me.

Please, for quality assurance, this call...

Well, Michelle, there's nothing you can do about it, all right?

Don't be a dirty little girl, a little bitch.

You're weird, dude.

I'm an adult. I'm age 42.

Listen, hi.

Hello?

Hey, I've got Michelle on the line, and she has a cock.

Oh, she does?

No, I don't. That dude is doing prank calls, and he's an idiot.

Michelle has a...

You guys are idiots doing prank calls.

All right, I'm going to have to let this phone call go.

Michelle has a penis.

No, I don't. That guy's doing a prank call right now.

No, I'm not.

Don't say, don't do that.

Don't fuck up the calls, all right?

Don't do that.

Shut up, dude.

Why did you do this?

Don't be a bitch.

How do I make you shut up?

Stop saying the bitch word.

You're stupid.

You don't really call people you're talking to.

You don't really go, I say what the fuck, bitch, on Twitter, but I didn't say it to anybody.

Yeah.

You don't really say bitch to people that you're really dealing with or jerk or dude.

Stop fucking scaring me.

You know what?

You're a cunt.

And I can smell your cunt by looking at this picture.

I can smell it.

That's nice.

Is it stinky or bad?

What are you going to do, come kill me?

Are you, like, the Unabomber?

It smells like strawberries.

Yeah, you work with a bunch of fucking little whores that write my Twitter.

Yeah.

I was bitching on Twitter, too.

I was like, those little stupid candle-cooling cunts.

I mean, it's like, smart people don't really, they wouldn't even really believe any of that

or do that or react to that.

Okay.

All right, that's cool.

All right.

I don't know any people like that.

actually. Hey, why don't you shut up?

And I'm 42. Why don't you shut

up? Why don't you sit there and shut up, huh?

Why don't you not talk so much

like a stupid woman and shut up

and stop talking so much like a woman

that's drunk? You just sit there and be quiet,

honey, all right? You sit there

and you be pretty. Who are you? Where do you work?

You just sit there and be pretty, honey

baby. No, who

are you and where do you work? I don't know.

Look, you got my number. My name's Eddie.

You give me a call later, all right?

we've been talking for too long

it's nice and mean

but why did you do all of this

it'll make sense to you in the morning okay

no it won't

yeah well give me a call tomorrow

no it won't

it's legal for me to drink some wine or beer

a lot of people

when I have a wine or a beer

do I need some psycho

now it's a wine or a beer

what are you an al-anon

what are you a psycho

for girls that are

or looked easy to fuck with,

and I always looked wide-eyed and cute

with or without a beer as a child.

Was I drunk when I was a little girl?

No.

Am I drunk when I didn't drink?

No.

What are you, a fucking psycho

for cute people walking around?

Are you?

Because that's what scares me.

You're not that cute.

And I already know what the porno industry is,

and entertainment, or media, or sex is.

I live in Los Angeles,

and I'm from Los Angeles.

I mean, it's like, come on, man.

And, I mean, what are you doing?

You've been in a few pornos, haven't you?

No.

No?

Okay.

You got a good face for it, you know?

No, I don't.

You probably do.

Why don't you go do that instead of putting it on me?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

And you're the last thing of my answer to God that I want.

You didn't come here to give me 300.

All right, I can't anymore, dude.

I mean, she keeps spitting out funny stuff.

But it's, how long has that been going on for?

Good God.

Oh, 30, 40 minutes?

fucking headache she did oh god she's an annoying drunk woman right now she has not had one beer

then she was saying beer and wine just now no longer i keep her on the i love i love connecting

her with people in the uk he's like shut up no this guy's fucking lying stop she's psycho

stop good god i think she knew that conversation in some weird codependent way

way she's like how do i make you shut up it's like all you gotta do is hang up yeah dummy yeah

but i'm looking at this picture of her on facebook and she looks pretty cute in this picture i don't

know if it really is the one she looks psycho on some of the other ones i only saw the one

anyway wow maybe when she sobers up i can call her back and have her come back on the show yeah

Yeah.

She was quite interesting.

Anyway.

I fucked up with the, I'm wondering if she got on music.

I know a lot today, she did.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, man.

I think she's trying to, someone's just trying to call back in.

I bet it's her.

Might have been.

Yeah.

Did you try to call me?

Fuck you.

Call me, bitch.

Calling her honey and baby and sweetie.

I'd love to know what Brian and his wife in the UK are talking about right now.

Okay.

Well, those were Ken's.

That was the last of your numbers, man, that I finally got a chance to get to.

And that fucking took us in all the way to 2.43 in the morning here.

Holy shit.

Yeah, but I think if you called her any earlier, she probably was fucking sober.

Yeah, it would not have been funny.

As funny.

Wow.

Anyway, I'm going to call it a night, man.

It's 3 in the morning, just about.

And I think we should end it on a high note.

I think I successfully, I just about almost.

running down my face. It was fucking

fantastic. Yeah, it was good.

It just took a long time. Could have

kept going. I probably could have kept going for another hour.

Oh, shoot. Go on as long as

you could. Yeah. Yep.

Alright, guys. Well, there.

Big Baz. See you later. Take it

easy. Bye. Take care, man. Good show.

Thanks for being on. Yeah. Alright, Ken. See you

later, man. Bye. Just remember, that's

how you make friends. If you need a roommate,

you post it on Craigslist. Yeah, that's

how she makes friends. Right. God.

She really has a twisted way of

making friends milkman milkman hey did we lose you during all that probably

take a long time milkman call him back i should we could do the whole thing where

we call everyone hey how you doing there brian hello

Hello?

Hey, Toro.

Hey.

We're calling everybody.

Motherfucker.

Hello?

Your call has been canceled.

Please enter your message often.

Welcome to DC answer 1571.

146.

Available.

146.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hello?

Hey.

Hello?

Call insurance this time.

I'm sorry.

I might be able to get a reach for .

How you doing?

Your SMS notification will include your number.

7027.

7-5-7-1.

Your SMS has been sent.

Thank you for visiting T-Mobile Voicemail.

Goodbye.

Hello, Michelle.

Yeah, I have Michelle on the line here, and she wants to fuck.

No, I don't.

Okay, you guys just called.

Yeah.

Why are you hanging out with a prank caller?

Are you a real person?

Why are you doing that?

It's like do prank calling.

Okay, how can I help you?

How can I help you?

Thank you for calling.

Hello?

I'm still here.

How can I help you?

you can't there's like some guy that called you on a third party call he said his name is eddie

he's kind of fucking around it's not really i don't think it's funny at all at all i'm like

come on don't do this to me ever sober drunk tired awake ever it's really rude have you

started ignoring his phone calls

You guys have come around now.

I would recommend maybe blocking his phone calls.

No.

You should probably look into that if you don't want to talk to him.

Are you his friend?

Why did you do this?

I know he's listening to a party call or something like that.

Your messages have been saved.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

And these are recorded conversations.

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, I'd advise you to do that.

Recorded conversations of what?

Somebody's answering my Craigslist ad and scaring me that I would never let live here.

My ad is for roommates on Craigslist, and I'm a really nice woman and girl or anything.

That's it.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

You may want to take that Craigslist down or maybe report the phone number that you're calling from.

No.

I tried to call the phone number back, and it just had a girl babbling on the voicemail.

So that's it.

Sorry.

Who are you?

Where are you?

you? This is Zappos.com. What are you, like a psychic hotline or something? Like, I haven't

started to imagine. What are you? We're an online retailer. You're an online what? Retailer.

An online retailer for what? Clothing, accessories, things of that nature. Groping? What'd you

say? Tea? What'd you say? Shoes, clothing, accessories, things of that nature. Oh my

God. There goes the sirens outside by outside. You can't fuck around here. I'm like, don't

fuck with me you're like she's my language don't mess around mess mess screw around

was there anything i could help you with what company do you work for

zappos.com what zappos.com zappos correct what is that online retailer is there anything that's

okay what are you saying is it like sex or something is it a sexual nature like sex toys

or something shoes and clothing are not sexual in nature and i guess but that's what we sell

No, no, no, there's not.

No, no, there's some guy called me off an ad off Craigslist and connected me to you.

I'm not, no, I don't need anything from you.

And I want to make sure, I don't want him to do that.

He's like a punk.

He's like a punk and a hacker.

You know what punkers, hackers?

Haven't you ever heard of punkers and hackers?

And shit like that, I'm like, punker, don't hate on me and hurt me.

Try to tell him he said his name was Eddie.

Like, Eddie, dude, don't do this to me.

Don't fuck with me.

I need to really live here, and I'm going to keep using ads on Craigslist.

That's all.

I don't need anything from you.

I don't need...

He's the one that connected the call of you to me, okay?

Okay.

If your boss is listening to this, like, could your boss help me?

I mean, oh, my God, why does this guy, Eddie, do this?

I'm like, gross, you know?

Yep, you should probably report him to the police, okay?

And maybe you should...

Really?

Yeah, seriously.

Oh, my God, this is scary.

I don't really appreciate that.

having to record stuff for the police.

Yeah, I don't.

I don't.

Okay, well, these calls are recorded for that kind of need.

Play it for your boss.

Yeah, you can record everything I'm saying.

I'm like, this guy named Eddie, though, I saw your ad.

Your sexual organs are...

I'm not naked.

I know what sexual organs are.

It means you're naked.

I'm not naked.

I don't really appreciate that.

And I'm sorry.

I don't need anything from you or your company.

And I'm sure he's sitting there.

What is he, your friend or something?

I have no idea who this Eddie person is.

Okay, his name's Eddie, and he's the one who put the call.

I didn't directly dial my cell phone number to where you work.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Maybe you should stop answering for him, then.

I'll try to figure it out.

I'm so sorry.

She said to call you.

She told me to call you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, okay.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, I'm done with you.

Thank you, though.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, cool.

Holy shit.

What the fuck?

oh it's uh yeah that lady's a trip i almost hate to stop calling her because i don't think she's

gonna be like this when she sobers up unless she's just always drinking or always just kind

of dumb like this god she is something else man oh my god what are you calling me i knew she was

gonna stick with when all those calls went through i knew when they all dropped out michelle was

is gonna be there in the end sure enough her and the fucking zappos guy that's recorded on like

four different people's voicemails and answer machines right now most of them in the uk i

really probably should save that number that lady was a trip um anyway milkman didn't answer

during that so we're just gonna have to move on without him this has been madhouse radio machine

sheen for april 28th moving into april 29th and i want to thank everyone who sent the numbers

tonight including uh his hippie i didn't get to your numbers sorry sir or ma'am the pablo tron

sentence uh number i believe and i didn't get to it uh tabachi also contributed again apologies to

all the numbers i didn't get but a big thanks to big ken for sending in numbers including that

That crazy last lady we just talked to.

Of course, Lonesome Loser sent in a lot of numbers as he normally does.

He does a good job all the time.

Love you, man.

You're the man.

And Big Ice Goose for sending in those numbers.

That helped out.

Major Chaos also sending in a number tonight.

Thank you, sir.

And everyone who was here in the chat room with us, give yourselves a nice pat on the back.

Thanks for tuning in live.

Be sure to catch manhouselive.com for more updates, podcasts, prank calls, etc.

post on the forums when you get a chance

and

other than that, Blue Planet

Prank Radio, thanks for having us on

as well as Brad and Cacti Radio

shows Friday night

here on Madhouse Radio

Friday nights by the fire with Ice Goose

and the others, Saturday shows

as well, Brent Westwood show

with Dirty Aaron and RBCP's show

occasionally, and then we're here

next Sunday, alright good, bye guys

have a good night, have a good week

Calls (51, 2 h 42 min of 3 h 54 min)

Transcript

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